#bc reflecting is GOOD. thinking abt stuff and feeling stuff (even when its a sad or angry feeling) is GOOD and healthy!!

[strawberryseeded]

.

[solargeist]

Does Grian reflect some of the manerisms Aether treated him with when he was with the Watchers onto baby Xelqua? I think you said before that he didn't really have parents so him only kinda knowing how to parent because of being treated like a child back with the Watchers is really sad and really cute

Also since after season eight Xelqua can come and go as he pleases does that mean that Aether and Flora can to? Or at least see what's going on there with Watcher magic and stuff?

oh yes ! i've thought abt that before !! but wasn't sure how to draw it, but yes ! Grian does accidentally mimic Aether, even with things he didn't like.

Like, the Watchers used to coo over how cute he is, showing off his wings or commenting on his height, making him feel small and embarrassed--but they did this out of genuine adoration. Grian sorta does mimic this with Xelqua, he's so small its ridiculous, isn't it ? But look at his ears, they're so big ! Grian does this bc he does think its cute. (xelqua likes the attention at least haha)

Tho with some things, Grian remembers and purposely does the opposite, even tho its not exactly the best choice either. Like with food, he only got food if the Watchers allowed it/he asked, but Xelqua can pick and eat whatever he wants, whenever, and yes this would be good--but sometimes kids make bad choices and eat a lot of candy and get sick to their stomach, like, no you can't have the entire bag, lets put a few in a bowl, yknow ? He has to learn this, hard way ! Xelqua throws up on his rug.

Grian used to get upset abt people messing with his food cabinets, bc he has a food hoarding issue due to food insecurity, but hes gotten more steady abt it.

But with a lot of parenting things, Grians sorta learned along his entire life, he's already 30 by time Xelquas around, and he raised Pearl--even if they were kids at the same time--it sorta helps now.

Grians also learning to relax and take things slower, not stress and overwork himself, thats something he also struggled with the Watchers, and he has to bite his tongue and swallow his disdain when Xelqua is being lazy (being a kid, rly) bc he's aware enough to know thats just the Watchers in his head, not his actual feelings.

Theres probably other moments, like i think when Xelqua hugs Grian's leg or leans against him, Grian ruffles his hair in a specific way he remembers Aether doing to him. But i can't think too much rn i'm sleepy !!

And !!! Thats an interesting thought, Xelqua..... in his natural form... is on his own level, he can do what he wants, rly. The Watchers........ Don't necessarily have a reason to go in and out of Hermitcraft, but they're aware of it now post s8. Since Watchers are based off viewers, i think they Watch the Hermits, but don't interact or control anything, its a sturdy world. I haven't rly thought abt this, i've had a few random ideas, like grian writing letters, but i dont know anything for sure. The AU around this point becomes a badly drawn horse i think ADGKAJK

[sugar-omi]

Which part of Baxter's confession did you like? A lot of people liked the after-wedding confession.

Morning confession is popular too (after clearing the air between you and him)

I like the office confession just cuz it fits my mc who's nervous. Plus I love it when he does it. He just keeps complimenting you and adding more feelings to his confession to you. The longing and need to be with you. It adds to how he feels that he'd regret it more if he stayed quiet than being afraid rejection from you.

he makes my heart swell 😭

OKAY SORRY I TOOK SO LONG I HAD TO REPLAY AND OMFG I FINALLY PUT THE WHORE ACTIVITY ON PAUSE TO LET BAXTER CONFESS FIRST LMAO

okay I am going to tell u everything I like abt each confession ok? that's definitely not what you asked but idc anymore I am CRAZY ABT HIM

office confession: okay this has to be my favorite bc it gives me the time to bitch at him and have a heart to heart. HES SO CUTE TOO THE WAY HES BLUSHING SO MUCH AND LOST FOR WORDS.... MY BABY

the kiss is so delicious btw... so gentle and passionate and full of love.... I've never felt more loved and seem than w baxter I'm ngl. cove is great, n I love him sm n he's always on my mind but baxter. man oh man

anyway this is Actually the best confession and fleshes out the story so much compared to the other 2 even tho those are good as well n I love having him as my boyfriend for longer

whoever wrote baxters dlc, you are a legend n the loml. it's so beautifully written. every word n step and it swallows me every time... this confession rlly just swallows me whole like I cannot explain the feelings I have without sounding Actually lovesick

morning after confession: he's so cute in the morning ofc....

i love when you kiss or tell him how you feel n you have the whole heart to heart thing, yk how it is same stuff blah blah and he goes "I should sit down now. in a place where a backrest can catch me" LIKE LMAO MY BOY IS ABT TO FAINT HES SO IN LOVE ITS SO CUTE I LOVE IT SO SO SO MUCH

wedding confession: ngl my thought every time is "im not reading all that. I'm happy for you tho. or sorry that happened" LIKE I LOVE YOU N STUFF AND ITS AMAZING BUT ALSO PLEASE IK YOURE TRAUMATIZED JUST KISS ME ALREADY YOU FUCKING IDIOT

I also love when he's like "yk your friends are watching right"

(PRO TIP THO. DONT HAVE COVE AT CRUSH BC YOUR HEART W BREAK..... I WILL NEVER RECOVER BC ALL ICAN THINK ABT IS ANGST AND PAIN..... the way the dialogue is different at fond and crush/love... my heart is ruined.)

BUT HE SEEMS SO SENSITIVE AND EXTRA SMALL WHEN YOU CONFESS/KISS HIM

he's all "🦋✨️💞🦋💞✨️💓" ITS SO CUTE

anyway. I love when he's like abt to faint or loses feeling in his body or holds you too tight bc "omg they love me back!!!!"

I also love how expresses so much regret but eagerness for your future. and how he keeps talking abt how much he loves you, and wants you, and assures you no matter what he has regrets and wants to be in your life for real. that even after he left, he still wanted to be in your life...

just the self reflection is so beautiful and I really get it. bc if I was him, I'd be way too scared to apologize bc what if I ruin your progress since I left? or I upset you, etc?? it's just so beautiful. and so sad but baxters dlc is like finally being loved. being cold and wrapped up in a warm blanket and held.... it's just so lovely

[avidaraku]

Hi!!!! ʕ •̀ o •́ ʔ

welcome to my pinned post I honestly still dont know what to do with my blog like ever but still :) nice stuff. This blog contains whatever the fuck I reblog, including fandom and 18+ stuff - I do not tag my porn reblogs so if you're following me for fandom things, this is an all in one blog bc i do what i want <3 you are warned! leave if you dislike my beloved freak blog

|･ω･)

just be nice and kind babygirls, that's all i ask of <3 human decency lets go!!!! (ღ˘⌣˘ღ)

my ao3 account is https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daimashiko :) I like writing porn, my brain is constantly on khr mode :) I also never have any consistent name for my accounts, so thats also why my names are different. Hi to any discord friends who know me from well, discord <3 im sure u guys are familiar with my socials in this case

TAGS. ─=≡Σ((( つ＞＜)つ ／(＞×＜)＼

#my art (very self explanatory I am not a creative person with names?? sorryyyyy - i also considered making my art tag into artvidaraku but like. thats too much effort jklsjgkldKJDF:SJ:JKL:JK:LDG ;;)

#khr (that is my main fandom ofc <333 - overlaps with my art but also other people's khr stuff so haha... its a mess but oh well)

#poll (i like answering them! or just reblogging polls i wanted to volunteer in but its too late </3)

#lotta tags (i tend to comment a lot in tags but these are the ones where i usually write like. a lot of commentary to the point im like ohhhh i should tag this right? curious if anyone's ever went through them but also i've never talked abt these things so. oopsssss <3 - lot of it is kinda sad / depressing but usually i am pretty reflective. kinda?)

#animals (self explanatory. i love me some fucking creatures. respect nature babygirls i adore them fellas <3)

#tumblr classic (i love getting to see the classics / things i'd personally consider a classic on my feed)

#fandom (this one's pretty commonly used! yadda yadda, talks abt fanfic and stuff / sometimes i get disappointed with fandom but that's not new lol)

#fashion (i don't use this as much as I should be?? but if you want to check out what i think is fun / a vibe <3)

#avidarecs (****i literally just made this on impulse so there's not much rn but i want to share more of my recs for things in general! fandom / songs / whatever other thing comes to mind?***// will probably be rarely used? but you never know~)

there might be more tags I haven't included but from the top of my head this is it?? Might add more, i have no clue. But anyways back to my other interests and what I'm into!

media i like: khr (its number one bc i am unable to pry reborn's hands on my stupid silly little soul so i cannot escape even if i wanted to), slay the princess + scarlet hollow (games made by the same studio. i love the art and vibes sooo much and also the fanart is sooo beautiful), Jenna Marbles (i've been obsessed w her stuff recently and I hope she's having a good time w her dogs and Julien :), kpop (honestly its only just loona bc im tired and feel old as fuck despite only being in my 20s so i am not gonna get into another thing lol), and sanrio!!! i love my melody she's a cutie patootie <3

-probably more stuff I like but this post would be a lot longer

I'm certain its obvious but I am a proshipper (also i am always in rarepair hell girl HELP. but also i will chain myself to that random mix of characters without prompting. ah....), if you don't like proshippers, leave my page and block me <3

But anyways my fav tropes (i definitely have more i just cant think of them but in general im chill with lots of stuff!)

incest (i am so fr when i say somehow i always revolve around incest ships they're just soooo good. my brain is absolutely destroyed in favor of tasty fucking food. shout out to incest shippers you guys rock luv yall :3)

age gap / size difference (these tropes are lovers and they're already fucking each other within one yard of each other. good fucking food yk?)

any toxic/problematic food (necro + lolisho rights!!!) in general. i am just. yeahhhhhhhhhhh MMMM LOAD THAT SHIT UP. i also have very little memory but still whatever

genderbend - i know it's a dwindling trope in popularity but there is nothing better than mindlessly turning a guy chara into a girl like wow..... so hot.... <3 this has also been a long time trope i've adored and i'll probably never stop using it bc its just that good for me <3 mmm. girls. cute.

monsterfucker stuff is great! (does this include animal hybrids? im going to include it with that soooo)

i think this is enough, but also before you go explore whatever maze my blog is in bc i cant be bothered enough by my blog, i will also reblog things in tandem to politics / real world things (I support Palestine <3). Am American. Am Mess. But I hope the world is kinder even just a little bit more. This world is cruel, but I hope we can continue to offer each other support and love, even when times are harrowing as always.

(っ ᵔ◡ᵔ)っ have a hug/kiss!!!! (i like gifs hehe)

[last-answer]

okayyso i dont Know what the name for most body parts are on english Uhh uhh almost. a little below my ears. ITS JUST THAT SHORT GAAAAAA FJWRJJWMRNFNF i had the biggest jumpscare ever because she did it on the morning and i was like half asleep so i didnt even notice how odd it was that she was cutting so much of my hair (i kinda just assumed she was cutting extra bits??? ignoring how much of my hair was falling out???) and then i looked at my reflection on the window on the car when i was leaving for school and DEAR GOD ITS SO MUCH SHORTER NOW RJSJGNWNGN aaa my hair also gets curly as hell JDKANFNSN part of the reason my grandma and my mom like it so much and insist on not cutting it ever So Yeaj actually i think i should feel grateful about the hair cut because now i don't have to ask for a hair cut again in like. a lot of time. hooray ? FJSJGJWN

OHHH MAN i haven't gotten out of school yet so my grandma hasnt been as annoying about cleaning stuff these days but i fear she might be once i get out of school and im SO SCARED GAh actually i also got my phone taken away for like a bit because i did bad on my grades (i got two 60's and that was really it) so nowadays i have to put in extra effort into school aaa LUCKILY FOR LIL OL ME MY TESTS HAVE BEEN GOING VERY WELL!!! i just have like two kinda annoying ones on the way and im done!!! with the tests that is. im still going to school. for some reason. Man. ALSO GOOD LUCK ON FINISHING YOUR GAME kiss that guy a lot you can do this 🎉

WOAH that's pretty short :O !? i too wld be pretty surprised if i saw that happening to me first thing in the mornign WNSKDFJSJ also i suppose thats a good part abt getting ur hair cut question mark i think i need a haircut soon actually bc ive noticed i have a ton of split ends el oh el

ALSO GOOD LUCK ON THE REST OF UR TESTS !!! getting out of school is always exciting but then the Horrors of doing cleaning that was ignored during the school year comes up . . . so sad :[ hopefully uu dont have too much to clean tho if ur grandma does ask uu to clean !! alsoaslo yippee thank uu !!! im not even on takerus route ( since i alr finished it ) but he's super relevant in the route im currently in so like. everytime he talks im just like holy shit can we kiss right now man. please

[schtrawberry]

[2] personal astrology observations

[!] this is mostly an introspective view into my chart; in no way, shape, or form am i saying that any of this is fact or set in stone, nor am i saying that i am a professional astrologer. these are just presences that exist within my chart that i've felt manifest themselves in real life. simply put, take what resonates and leave what doesn't :)

— moon negatively aspecting venus may indicate a turbulent relationship with the mother. venus-related things such as physical appearance, love and relationships, along with material possessions may be a source of contention between one and their mother.

[in my personal experience, as someone w my venus squaring my moon, it manifests itself in my mother often bullying/making fun of my physical appearance; i.e. always making jabs at my skin color, pressuring me to stay a certain weight, and making fun of my non-eurocentric facial features... and all unprovoked too???]

═ moon in twelfth house natives may experience muddled emotions and an inability to show these emotions effectively. bystanders may also have a difficult time identifying these emotions as these natives have the ability, whether consciously or unconsciously, to keep them hidden— perhaps due to their lack of ability to understand them themselves.

☰ aquarius lilith conjunct uranus 🤝🏽 having very unconventional kinks— like unconventional to the point of there being little to no available horny media bc of how niche their tastes are 💀

☱ cancer ascendant can be just a material girl as a venusian! in ancient indian astrology, the water was used to symbolize life. and while the crab dwells in water, it also comes out of it in order to dig holes; therefore concerning itself in more earthly matters. it is through this connection that it can be seen why cancer is definitely the most grounded out of the water signs as well. but this earthly energy also affects their appreciation for the material goods that they reach out of the water to experience.

the level of materialism, however, is greatly affected by the environment in which the ascendant exists. after all, water is only reflective of its surroundings.

☲ tw: slightly dark observation, suicide i don't think we talk enough abt how likely it is for a cancer ascendant to be suicidal. aside from the innate nature of the crab to bury itself away from the earth— saturn, the planet of constrictions, resides in the 7th and/or 8th houses (houses of sex and death) of this ascendant, enhancing that already gloomy, brooding energy.

it is said, however, that with enlightened detachment, this individual can focus this energy on the more positive aspects of saturn which encourage a life of renunciation, dedication and altruism.

[being a cancer ascendant myself, i have been suicidal in the past and feel like i can be very gloomy by default, which often makes my feelings of despair only worse. i feel like ppl talk abt how soft cancers are, but not enough abt how much that softness can lead to a greater, often deeper, sadness.]

☴ sun conjunct mercury individuals may constantly receive compliments or even formal recognition for their speaking voice and/or way of speaking!

[as someone w my taurus sun conjunct my taurus mercury, i feel like i'm always recognized for my speaking voice! i received the oral language award at school for like 8 yrs in a row, always get chosen by teachers when they want stuff read, and constantly get told by my classmates that they just like the way i talk bc i apparently have such a distinct way of saying things— coincidence? i think not.]

[`] film: オーディション audition (1999) dir. takashi miike

last / next

[scribbledeck]

[WIP] June n Jade post-canon semi-contentious semi-miserable all-love and eventually-fun-and-cathartic road trip

Slightly edited noodling of June+Jade roadtrip AU from my twitter:

June feels like she owes Jade one after inadvertently causing Jade to be alone on the 3-yr trip and Jade wants June to get Out of the house (and on some level make up for the lost 3yr spacetrip) and they are both kind of resentful of each other for it

On one level Jade just wants to have Fun and spend time with June in addition to dragging June by the ears out of her depression but how it ends up is Jade just gets more and more frustrated and guilty and disappointed even tho June is trying her hardest (reflection of Jade’s frustration with Jadesprite who was too busy being sad to do anything for others)

June is Tired and Guilty and doing anything just makes her more tired and disconnected…Jade is as worried as she is pissed and majorly disappointed so shes alternating b/t coddling and passive aggressiveness and it sucks 

But they have friends helping talk thru it and urging them to talk to each other so they can meet in the middle and they eventually figure out a fraught but slightly more illuminating conversation 

They gradually talk abt why Jade is mad (i.e. disappointment in herself, anger and grief over being deprived of relationships and intimacy even when she thought she would have those during the game, disappointment and loneliness that she still doesn’t know exactly how to belong with other people without feeling like she’s on the outside)

and how June just can’t be positive and happy all the time (grieving her dad and what her childhood could’ve been if the game hadn’t happened. realizations about what was so stifling about being stuck at home with her dad who was without bad intention reinforcing that she’d someday become a Man he’d be proud of. feeling guilty she didn’t appreciate him enough while she had him and guilty she’s become someone he would be disappointed in. oh boy when she starts growing facial hair and forgets to shave bc depression makes it hard its like layers and layers of discomfort and misplaced guilt.

keeps second-guessing her place in the reality she helped make and is terrified she’ll have to be in a position to retcon again someday and somehow fuck it up bc she’s not smart enough)

and they both get to discuss their grief and trauma and say FUCK the game!!! And maybe get matching one side shave haircuts to commemorate working to let things go haha 

Ok so i thought of June getting the cathartic genders half shave already but wow Jade with that but the other side is a *concept*

anyway there’s so much good dave and rose sibling content but not enough in depth june and jade stuff and i think that’s just such a shame

[itssideria]

srry for doing this in your inbox but ykk the phrase “character assassination” rlly kinda sums up my issue with cdream in the final stream bc on reflection ctommy was really not the problem there. i think a Lot of things couldve been fixed if, when ctommy tried empathizing, cdream went really quiet (leaving ctommy to argue w cpunz) and then lashed out when ctommy hit the nail on the head…. yk? like hes always done up until now because he doesnt like it when people that are Against Him understand him. and it coming from ctommy in particular would make him feel unsafe. but by getting mad abt it, it would reinforce to the audience that ctommys analysis is right And would highlight a similarity in both of their personalities (irrational aggression as a coping mechanism to deal with unwanted emotions). like i dunno i think it would make the stuff they were going for more poignant if they made cdream act like ctommy at his worst while ctommy is, at least emotionally, at his most clear. it would be a really nice mirror without muddying the original intent, which was to highlight cdreams humanity after the aggressive deification they did directly beforehand . iiiiii dunnnooo (hi mari)

HELIII HI BACK!!!!

and. yeah, man. there is so much that could have saved that ending scene for me and even this right here is one of those things. like, i love cdream as a character! for the longest time i thought he was really, really cool and i got excited to see him on screen!! and a massive part of that excitement was that he was unequivocally A Guy That Went Too Far. that is cdreams character summary—a man that maybe could have been good, but let his obsession with the fixing the past and taking control take him farther than he could ever hope to he redeemed. and i loved the little moments that made him human in the story!! the parts when he was afraid, or emotional, or had his plans foiled—those were GOOD. they made him REAL. i did not like cdream bc i wanted him to win all the time.

character assassination is the phrase i chose and character assassination is right. cdream is obsessed with control. he Cannot, under any circumstances, be wrong. his need for control makes him scary and sadistic and ready to do THE most fucked up bullshit (refer to the LITERAL SAW TRAP FROM FINALE STREAM #3) anyone on the server has done. this guarded, angry, fucked-up-beyond-recognition man will not bend because some kid almost got him right. and if he did bend, he certainly would not go soft. the irrational aggression you mentioned is so much better snd makes SO much more sense because like—I CAN SEE THAT! i can SEE cdream lashing out doubling down, i can see him throwing every angry phrase against the wall to see what sticks, i can see him desperate to hurt ctommy one last time. and it functions beyond that, too, because it doesn't leave punz (who tbh having him do staged disc finale was a bad decision but eh) useless, it doesn't make cdreams final moments sympathetic, it doesn't make us feel sorry for a literal abuser. or at least, not sorry in an "oh youre so sad and baby :(" way but more of a "man. this obsessive fucker lost everything, huh" sorta way.

its so sad because SO many little changes could have had us keep the exact same plot and redeem that ending but. Man. ty for talking heli <3

[friiday-thirteenth]

right right right c a m p

ok. ok so it was very long and I'm unbelievably tired but also my head says write it down so uh

day one- five hour bus ride. it was fun, bc the person I was sitting beside slept the whole time and I got to joke around with the guys, who were surprisingly chill. they only brought up p*rn once, which is like.... good for them all things considered lmao

then we had the tramp in. the campsite where we were staying at the first night was the farthest from base, and one group biked in while the other tramped.

my groups tramp took s i x h o u r s. no other groups went over five. we had to keep stopping bc a) one kid was feeling sick, b) one kid rolled her ankle and c) we weren't allowed to sprint off into the Bush and potentially die without an instructor with us.

so there were like, four of us who were constantly at the front, and they were: me, my crush, my crushes best friend, bitch-who-bullied-me.

twas interesting.

we got the campsite in the dark, after a river crossing in which my socks got soaked, as did my shoes, and the tents and food were already sorted for us so that was great. food was shit, though. mince that was half brown water and cold pasta.kept us going, though, and as became my motto throughout camp, food is food.

that night was the only time I cried. kinda sad, tbh, but it was bc on the 'girls' side (as we all know that if the boys and girls tents were together, absolutely everyone would just be going at it, of course (jfc they have a low opinion of year tens (we sorta deserve it though, stuff happened with last years year tens...))) everyone else was paired up and even the people in three person tents didnt want me in there 🥰🥰🥰🥰 really felt the love there, guys.... jokes on them I slept by myself each night and was ready within five minutes each morning. actually really glad they showed how much they didnt care abt me bc it was really nice being alone in the wilderness, and that's not sarcasm.

anyway. day two.

woke up, was ready within ten minutes bc I woke with the leaders, who wake ten minutes before we're meant to and get themselves and breakfast ready before we're up. (I'm really fast at waking up, but take ages to go to sleep. like, everyone has to stfu before my body's able to start shutting down, and as soon as there's people moving around I'm up like a shot.)

anyway. I had eaten breakfast and was washing up before anyone else came out. next kid out was my crush, and we bitched about people taking forever for a while, which was fun.

then we waited for ages for everyone else to get sorted out, blah blah blah, and we had the bike ride back. 11.5 kilometers, I think,mostly downhill for us.

it was fun! I'm not a brilliant biker, but I kept near the middle-front of the group, and i just. let go of the brakes going downhill. and these hills were bloody steep and gravelly, plus the dips and river crossings.

I didnt fall off the bike, but one kid did lmao. there was this sharp turn before a metal gate, and He saw the gate and started pulling kn the brakes, but he hit the front brakes and just. flipped. the bike crashed into me and he went to the ground.

it was funny in the afterwards, but the kid got rather grazed lmao. he's not dead though, so that's good.

we were at the campsite that was, in my opinion, the coldest that night. also I slept in a three person instead of a two person, and by myself that meant more body heat was going into the tent. brrr. but we also did the nightline activity(hold onto a rope and follow it through the dark forest while blindfolded and with a helmet on. highly recommend it. go do it with friends u trust lmao)

I was behind this slow kid and he tripped at one point so I just. went ahead of him. then I spent around half an hour walking through the dark by myself (I walked into five trees. each time I took a step back, glared at it through the blindfold fifty five seconds and then continued around it with a muttered bitch. I'm nothing if not dramatic.) before I crashed into my crush hehe. it was near the end and we just got to the end at the same time, where two others already were. it was chill, we talked for a while. bullied people who were going through it by whacking trees they were near with sticks and shaking the line as they tried to use it. (we were allowed to, dw)

the next day, we went canyoning and holy frick frack fuckedy fuck fuck, that was c o l d. freezing. I jumped into the water and nearly died (exaggerated) but my crush jumped through a fricken waterfall and couldnt feel his hands or feet for ten minutes. another kid was walking funny bc he'd waited in the water for five minutes, and this shit was cold enough that we were wearing wet suits and thermals.

once we were dry and dressed (we got to have showers. h e a v e n (I only took 10 seconds bc like, why tf would you need a longer one? people took fifteen minutes, like wtf)) we went rock climbing! which was brilliant, honestly. I liked the belaying more (I've got this thing where I prefer people trust me than me trusting them, hmmm I wonder why) but also climbed the hardest one! it was really fun, and I only fell like fourteen time at one point (lmao,the rope caught me each time but I looked like a fuvking idiot hehe)

then we slept at a campsite which had a fire kn the beach!! if was so much fun. we also did a solo, which involved us sitting in the wild for twenty minutes and reflecting upon camp. I lay on the ground and stared at the moon. it was lovely and peaceful, until two kids started talking.

side note, guys voices are lovely and deep and rumbly and very nice (in general) but girls are generally higher pitched and ugh, it can be v e r y bloody annoying when ur trying to contemplate life.

possums visited camp that night. woke up in the middle of it to a possum crashing into the side if my tent, and I just. stopped breathing for a minute while I listened to it. a possum growling sounds terrifying. look it up!

also heard cows that night. cows are good.

day four, we abseiled. holy s h i t, it was fun. just... sitting there and watching the river and and rock and dangling in midair.... god, I loved it.

then we went to the high ropes course. this was b r i l l i a n t. we'd done low ropes st some point, but high ropes involved more belaying, which involved, and then at one point, we did a thing called the leap of faith, which was around eight meters high and you climbed to the top of this cylinder of wood before jumping for a trapeze. I knew I wouldn't get it, so I jumped on two when they counted down for me, and I missed lmao. but it was bloody brilliant.

then we had to do a whole shitton of cleanup,which they don't normally get groups to do, but we were s p e c i a l (as in our school gets to clean things we dont even use, sigh) before camping one last night. I had go share with someone, it was gell, packed up at least four tents in the morning bc I was very good at that for some reason,before we hot back to camp and went to the bus and oh, that was brilliant.

I finished my book, chatted with the guys, chatted with my crush for .5 of a second, had that thkng happen where people see you talking to a guy and are like ooOOooohhHHHHHhhh they're dAtiNG bc we're all stupid year tens and it was fucking hilarious (I've never dated anyone, so peopke bloody obsess over pairing me up with someone and I'm just like??? fuckers I'ma child how abt no (sidenote there was a couple on camp and they were cute but uh. year ten relationships dont really last, according to my year 13 camp leader (she was chill af, and basically showed me a whole new perspective on being friends with guys and so in conclusion she's bloody brilliant))) anyway they came up with a ship name for me and the guy and I nearly pissed myself laughing bc its best to laugh along with it and it was really funny tbh

anyway. we also for some reason talked abt sex and porn a lot and it was weird but also kinda chill bc most of the boys are relatively respectful of the girls,in the sense that we all make dirty jokes to each other but don't cross the line, so it was pretty funny and chill. also guys apparently never stop making dick jokes and that type of shit and it was kinda funny tbh

then we got home, grabbed our shit, and legged it away from there.

now I'm gonna rant abt my crush hehe

he was like, oh who's this? when we were walking to dinner in the dark one night (I was in front of him and his friend and he couldn't see my face) and then fucking knew who I was from the way that I walked like mate, why tf do you know how i walk and how to describe it, hmm?

I flipped him off after he said that though it was fucking funny

also!! he just. stared at my eyes and was like, are your eyes different colors? and I was like yeah. and he just nodded slowly and we maintained eye contact for a while. twas weird.

we have staring contests a lot too?? like, he'll look at me or I'll look at him and then at one point he was like, you just stare at people and then tilt ur head, dont you! and I was like wtf dude,but also I kept eye contact bc its a Thing.

also on the bus ride home he just mimicked my facial expressions and it was really bloody funny and j broke out laughed and he smiled

yeah basically I'm hopelessly crushing on him bc he's smart and sarcastic but it never gonna happen so I just wanna be friends type thing. sigh.

ANYWAY. camp was kinda great, at some points it left me feeling like I was so bloody alone and also I felt really shitty mentally but I kept going and i really enjoyed it! yeah! also i nearly cried when i said goodbye to my instructors bc they were brilliant and I'm gonna miss them so bloody much, I'm sad I'll never see them again.

yeah.

[iraprince]

i saw your advice on breaking down tasks to be so small that you can handle them, any advice for when the task of breaking down a task feels too big? specifically i am in my first semester of college and im about 4 weeks behind in one of my classes and its stressing me out so bad i cant do any of my homework now. thanks

hmm... i have LOTS of experience with being behind on stuff lmao and have only started making breakthroughs on it recently. i’ll try to list some stuff that has been helping

1. no more “should.” you’re not allowed to say “should” anymore. “i Should be doing my homework” when you’re doing whatever (laying in bed being sad, scrolling tumblr, whatever) is not the helpful mantra you think it is. it’s just a guilt trip. instead you have to figure out how to give REASONS why you should do it. for me, that’s framing it as beneficial to me. “it would be in your best interest to go do the work you’re behind on. you’ll feel better if you do some of it, you’ll feel less guilty, and you’ll be able to enjoy your leisure time instead of just feeling Dread.” 

2. deciding on a plan has been helpful for me. what i’m working on getting caught up on right now is patreon rewards. it got to the point -- and i’m embarrassed even saying this -- where i owed almost ONE HUNDRED doodles!! (aaagh! what the fuck!!!! isn’t that fucking awful?) that is a disgusting number! that’s so fucking scary! i felt overwhelmed when it was HALF of that and felt like i was just standing there frozen watching the number go up and up and up. what finally snapped me out of it was i sat myself down and tried to spend as much of a day working on the stuff i was behind on as i could. i found out i can get about 10 of these done, if i work all day on them and don’t fuck around too much. so, hey, actually... if i get ten done per work day, i’m caught up on all 100 of them in 10 work sessions, which is about two weeks if i give myself two days off per week. that’s... literally not so bad, right? breaking it down into “you will finish this by X if you do Y amount per day,” instead of just frantically saying “YOU’RE BEHIND! IT’S LATE! CATCH UP AS FAST AS YOU CAN GO GO GO, WORK AS MUCH AS YOU CAN UNTIL IT’S DONE” is so much less scary and feels DOABLE and makes me feel like i have things under control.

3. BUT, you don’t just have the stuff you’re behind on. you have other new stuff you have to do too. you can’t just put all that on hold while you do the stuff you’re behind on, or now you’re behind on the new stuff too! i saw someone (i can’t remember who, i’m sorry) give advice that says even tho the urge is to do stuff in the order it came to you (the older the task, the sooner you do it), actually the only way to keep your head above water in cases like this is to do the stuff you have to do TODAY first, then use EXTRA time after that stuff is done to work on the stuff you’re behind on. to put that into my example, the stuff i have to keep doing day to day is.... i have to make enough money for the month. so i spent the first two weeks of this month doing commissions faster than i normally do, and made enough money to feel Safe, so that i felt like that part was Done, and now i’m using the second two weeks to catch up on stuff. if i’d tried to put the stuff i was behind on First, i would’ve been in a way worse situation this month and i might have fucked myself over.

4. communicate about stuff you’re behind on! explain stuff to your professors! i’m so bad at this. i was bad at this in school, and until recently i wasnt as good abt it w my patrons as i wanted to be. it’s because it feels embarrassing to say “im fucking up and it’s taking me a long time to get to this, i’m sorry.” but doing that reflects better on you than radio silence, no matter how it feels. you don’t look stupid and irresponsible for being honest about being behind on stuff - you look irresponsible if you just suddenly clam up and refuse to admit that you need time and that you’re working on it. it’s better to be as open as you can, and it makes you feel less like you have to Hide, which in my case just makes me freeze up again

that’s kind of all i’ve got rn bc i’m still figuring it out myself, but this is the stuff that’s made it easier for me

[tonysopranosfeverdreams]

kinda sad but how do you cope with the weight of everything? :( its so painful. sending u love

You know the only things that have really helped me i think has been finding more ways to try and live in the present and keep my mind/body occupied enough for it not to stray to the scary and overwhelming stuff as much as possible when there's so much of it. None of this will cure or fix anything of course, but I think just listening to how you feel when you do/consume something and building little habits that incorporate doing the things that make you feel good into your routine. Even if its just been like, taking time in the morning to sit my cat before (remote) work and use a new flavored coffee creamer in my my coffee or like, it's a reminder of little things that are nice in daily life and that we can expend almost no energy to put yourself in a little brighter of a situation on a regular basis.

On top of that, I found myself mindlessly scrolling through media and social media but not really absorbing it like. All day every day and im still terrible abt it but I noticed I feel good if I engage with a movie or book or show and really process it and give it my full attention for like. The smallest amount of an episode or like I make myself read 25 pages a day now because I feel better when I watch something I find stimulating or like at least with a pretty actress or something and when I work my imagination a little bit reading than when I browse YouTube vlogs for hourse that I don't care about or whatever and hating myself for not engaging with content I find interesting and finding it even harder to make myself do anything bc i feel inexplicably guilty about it lol.

I also noticed I am more likely to come thru anxiety better if when I start getting really nervous at 3 in the afternoon I do a quick workout that I know well and enjoy rather than having 2 bottles of wine you know lol? Ive been obsessed with ballet barre workouts personally lmso. I guess trying to develop and hold myself to my weird routines has been really helpful and moreover gives you a sense of control and that at the very least you can adapt bring yourself little joys no matter whst.

Sorry this turned into a ramble, it was a really interesting question to reflect on.. I hope you find ways to make happinese and find lighter times soon too, sending my love 💓

[cherrysunflowers]

nsfw for kiss the canvas babes 👀👀

ok i am SO READY FOR THIS 

kiss the canvas babies

• who kissed who first?  

n&m: okay sO I feel like nicky PLANNED on kissing mo first??? but every time he tried during their first date, something would come up and the mood would just DIE and he'd get so frustrated abt it??? but lbr mo would’ve honestly just been like ‘fUCK IT’ and kissed him im cackling

j&m: i think jesse did?? bc it was during the power outage when margo was over rmr, and they were surrounded by candles and :’(( 

• who made the first move?

n&m: why,,, do i get the feeling mo did,,,, bc lets face it even tho nicky wants to fuCK he would most definitely wait until mo gives him a sign that she's down?? like yea they'd joke abt fucking and stuff like that, but he would most definitely not do anything crazy until she shows signs that she wants it, and even then, he would’ve asked for consent bc he is a Good Boy

j&m: okay so since jess is also a Good Boy, I feel like he would’ve also waited for margo to make the first move. and I feel like after lots of reassurance and affirmations, she would've finally gotten enough confidence to make the first move?? it wouldve definitely been a little thing tho, like maybe setting a hand on his chest, or nibbling his bottom lip or smth as they made out. just small things.

• what’s the relationship like?

n&m: ridiculously adventurous. spontaneous. not much is planned between the two of them. I feel like they wouldn't even plan dates, nick would just pick mo up at her apartment, and they just see where it goes. but they can also be rlly lazy and domestic?? like, when mo’s slammed with work, and nick is busy at the warehouse, they have date night at home and do takeout and a movie while wearing pyjamas y’know??

j&m: soft, really domestic and sweet. since jess’ got danny, it kind of already feels like they're married, really. since margo takes care of danny like she's his mother, and they already kind of have the whole family dynamic. so I feel the relationship consists of small acts of affection, like knowing smiles, and gentle touches, stuff like that. and since they aren't able to go out as much, their date nights mostly consist of home cooked meals, watching netflix and falling asleep on the couch at 11pm.

• who’s the most possessive?

n&m: nicky. definitely. he knows that girls like mo never ever give guys like him a chance. he doesn’t fuck around when it comes to guys flirting with her or trying to make moves. she’s the most special thing he’s ever had in his life, and hes absolutely terrified of her leaving him, even if it doesn't show.

j&m: I feel like its jess. since he knows everything about margo’s past, he’s dead set on protecting her. and that shows whenever he sees someone trying to talk to her in a way he knows isn’t all that innocent, or something like that. and all he'd even have to do is shoot them a look and thats it. 

• what is their favourite way to kiss?

n&m: ok lbr when they kiss, they fucking mAKE OUT. like fuckin’ all tongue or nothing, nicky does Not Fuck Around okay he thinks pecking is for pussies

j&m: softly. I feel like they wouldn't feel the need for all that passion and craze. margo would love leaving little kisses all over jess, whether its his shoulder, or back, or cheek, or lips. anywhere she can reach to show him her affection.

• who tops during sex?

n&m: I wanna say it’s pretty even? like before mo, he'd definitely be used to topping but when he and mo are together, I feel like both of them are good with whatever, and its pretty even on that front. just whoever wants to top goes for it lMAO

j&m: we’ve def talked about this and I think your answer to that was that jess always tops bc hes a dominant lil shIT !! but I feel like every RARE moment, margo would playfully roll them over and try to top, bc she just wants to tease him and :’)

• thoughts on sex toys?

n&m: nick would joke about using ropes n handcuffs n shit but I feel like mo would b the one to be like ‘listen buddy I hope ur fuckin serious and if not imma be pisSED’ 

j&m: the thought of sex toys would fLUSTER THE H E L L OUTTA MARGO??? like even though she ain’t a virgin, she's still !! such a lil prude !! and whenever the conversation comes up, she’d just get all flustered and would blush up a storm and !!!!

• most sensitive areas?

n&m: for nick, I wanna say its his neck and the spot right behind his ear, or where his jaw connects to his neck???

j&m: for margo, it would most definitely be her hair. if jess tugs her hair even the slightest bit, bITCH IS ON HEFJNK but also she would most definitely have a thing for him biting her lower lip while kissing :))

• do they shower/bathe together? if so, how far does anything go?

n&m: lets be real, they've fucked in the shower and the bath, these kids are like bunnies ok I stg. but there are times where its just soft and tender, and all they wanna do is be cute and wash the other’s hair yknow??

j&m: I feel they’d def shower and bathe together, and maybe yeah they'd fuck in the shower, but I cant see them having sex in the bathtub?? like I feel like margo only ever rlly takes baths when she's stressed or sad, so whenever jess joins her, its to cheer her up yknow??? iDK LMK WHAT U THINK OF THAT

• how do they like their sex?

n&m: I honestly feel like sex for them is a reflection of who they are as people. super passionate, exciting, full of love and affection for the other person. like, nicky would do nothing but try to please mo, and I feel like that would be the same thing the other way around. 

j&m: margo is lowkey plain as fuck when it comes to sex, just bc she's so nervous about trying new things?? jess probably has to suggest that they try new stuff bc she would’ve been brainwashed by v*nce that sex isn’t fun and that its a way for the guy to take out his frustrations and ://

• how rough can sex get before its taken too far?

n&m: okay honestly, nicky would be really careful when it comes to getting rough, bc even though hes been fighting for this whole life, he still doesn't know his own strength, and he would keep himself on a tight leash when it comes to that. like, when he feels himself getting out of hand with spanking, or just plain gripping her, he would have to pull back and take a breather, bc the last thing he would EVER wanna do is hurt her. but back in his fighting days, he wouldn't have cared, nor realized how rough he was bc baby boy was always on drugs. :// thats why hes so careful with mo, I feel like.

j&m: once again, this is a doozy bc like I said before, margo is pretty nervous when it comes to sex already, so I feel like she wouldn’t be able to handle too much rough stuff before getting triggered and having a panic attack. she’d be able to handle ur average groping and light spanking and would like having her hair pulled, but anything more rough than that, and she would freak out.

• favourite sex position

n&m: when mo is on top :)

j&m: margo tryna playfully get in control n topping but then jess rolling them over to show her who's boss :)

• if they could have a threesome, who would their third choice be?

n&m: jeSsE, obviously !1! lmAO im kidding. but I honestly don't know if nicky would wanna have a threesome?? like, to him, sex would be such an intimate thing, and he wouldn't wanna share that ( or mo ) with anyone else. hes definitely had threesomes in the past during his addict days tho oop-

j&m: def don't think margo or jess would’ve ever thought of having a third person join them? like nick, margo def believes that sex is a super intimate thing between two people ( unless they're poly, homegirl is an lgbt+ ally don't get it tWISTED ), and she wouldn’t wanna share jess with anyone else.

___ 

LET ME KNOW IF THIS WAS GOOD OR SHITTY IDK WHAT THE HELL IM DOING AAAA

[artnerd1123]

hey arty, I know nothing abt fnaf except for what i've observed through cultural osmosis, so gimme your headcanons abt the animatronics. Nothing canon lore wise (bc from what i've heard, canon lore post 2015 is a //mess//), just your own ramblings abt these Robot Children

I can def do no canon!!! I’m about as lost on current canon as u are tbh ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

I’ll do a super short crash course of all the ones I’m familiar enough with atm!!!

Classic foxy: adventurous and self assured, always quick to welcome people and explore new things. Fiercely loyal to his crew/family. Has a bit of a temper. Stays relatively levelheaded under pressure, but is a big risk taker (and often gets himself broken :/)

Classic Freddy: has anger issues, but is doing his best to reign it in! The leader of the gang, very responsible, just wants everyone to be comfortable n feel safe. A stickler for schedules, needs everything in its place. Has a soft spot for cake and little kids. 

Classic Bonnie: kinda anxious and very self conscious, but loves to give a good rock show. Uses music to cope, and finds comfort in it. Loves spending time with his friends, but also alone. Thumps his foot when happy. Almost a photographic memory. Is a v good bun. 

Classic Chica: the upbeat peacekeeper/cheer leader of the gang!!! Always does her best to make people happy, though she’s not above giving people a stern talking to when needed. Very good at cooking. Loves pizza and her cupcake, carl. 

Classic golden Freddy: mysterious ghost bear. Everyone goes to him for advice. Knows all the secrets. He’s very gentle, and very good at comfort. Cagey about his past. Just wants the best for the gang. Everyone looks to him for orders/etc in crisis/difficult times, even if he doesn’t like the title of leader

Toy Freddy: actually a rlly suave dude with a knack for show n party planning. Holds grudges and very good at messing with animatronic mechanical stuff. Loves his friends, but finds it hard to read them sometimes. Is too hard on himself when he messes up. Very reflective. 

Toy Bonnie: kinda crazy, but everyone loves him. Always loud and proud, but never hogs the stage unless he’s allowed to! Loves candy. Loves sour things. Somewhat scatterbrained and leaves lots of messes around. Disaster bun just wants to have fun with people!!! Gets sad if alone too long. 

Toy Chica: more of a party gal than classic. Somewhat of a mediator. Likes playing dress up in flashy things, and enjoys pranks. Takes off her face to scare people bc she feels like they don’t take her seriously. Is actually very kind. Has a good heart. Likes to make people laugh. 

Mangle: Self Image Issues ™. Makes static noises if they don’t know what to say/are confused/are distressed. Loves bows and the color pink. Gives really good hugs. Doesn’t like bullies. Very sweet and caring. Very silly, too, if they’re comfy enough! Needs time to warm up to people. Extremely nervous/easily frightened around kids 

Shadow Bonnie: *insert zalgo text here* 

(he’s an enigma but just really wants friends. Even if he’s unsure how to go about it n gets things wrong a lot) 

Springtrap: literally just acts really edgy. Is a separate entity from pur/ple guy cuz he sucks. Hates said purple man. Acts distant and aloof, but cares deeply about his friends n what they think of him. Short temper, tends to throw punches and ask questions later. Has a secret soft spot for arcade games. Has past trauma and needs to be respected. Wants to be loved. Humor is sarcasm, but loves jokes. He’s really nice once u get to know him under that tough guy exterior. 

Plushtrap: a literal gremlin. Likes to play hide n seek, and sneak up on people. Loves gummy worms almost more than life. Very playful and hands on. Makes rivalries easily, but just wants to have fun. He’s a kid. Needs love and affection as well as affirmation that he’s “scary”

Helpy: a good baby who’s doing his BEST.

Thank u for coming to my Ted talk

[shipmvns]

Hey what tips can u give for people who want to be better writers? What helps u? Ur writing is so good

AH IM HONORED THIS IS SO SWEET im definitely not like an expert but i mean i like to write and there are certain things that help me and i wanna help so!! hold on ill put this under a cut

i think the very first thing when writing is just making sure u have a grasp on grammar and punctuation etc. so that your writing is coherent and readable. new paragraph breaks with each new speaker, commas instead of periods after quotes if it’s followed by other words, etc. also just make sure u have commas where they belong bc sentences look really weird if a comma is missed and its kinda distracting

and then something that helps me is i’ll always have some just bombastic stupid thing im writing on the side thats only for me cause then im still writing but im not stressing abt perfectionism just expanding my brain (think like. self insert greys anatomy fanfiction. not speaking from experience.)

when it comes to actually writing the like ‘good stuff’ that ur serious abt i think something that ups the story a lot is really finding a clear voice for the story so that you feel like you’re really getting the story from the perspective of the character. not like first person, i usually like third person (sometimes second person but not so much these days) but you can still really fall into a swing of the inner thoughts of the character even in third person to emphasize how they feel. 

even with third person i feel like you can be kind of informal about the writing to imply a voice/speaker. like in my own writing i use phrases like “so, okay,” even when it’s third person because it gives off vibes from the character because i don’t want the narration to be detached from the feelings of the main character. i think this is good for situations with denial, like saying “and she absolutely isn’t mad” but that obviously not being true or something, because i don’t think the third person narrator needs to just be like. telling she truth. like shes mad but we’ll see it in the actions in the dialogue and in the fact that the text is denying it in a way that suggests its unreliable

basically i guess just imagine its someone being a dork and narrating their own life but in third person but just sometimes be a little more honest than they would because even with the voice of the character coming through, certain descriptions and feelings wouldnt come through if they were actually behind the narration. so maybe this analogy is not great but ill leave it in in case it helps u out 

i think descriptions in general are really important! i honestly have a tendency to go off on tangents and get a little too flowery with my word choice, which is okay every once in a while, especially if it fits the character, but i go overboard, so maybe dont do that as often as me. keeping a description detailed but mostly concise is good, and setting a scene is just really important generally. 

with dialogue it sometimes helps to read it out loud to see if it sounds like something real people would say or if it sounds kinda goofy, at least for me, bc my first drafts almost always lean towards goofy

if theres one most important thing i’d say it’s trying to make the person reading your story feel the emotions your character is feeling by explaining the inner monologue of the character, and the complexities of the emotions, and why they aren’t just black and white like happy or sad, and why they’re hard to deal with, because if that hits home enough hopefully people will like remember that. just really fleshing out the situation, the consequences of actions, and the way a character feels or why they do something that they do it 

sorry i wrote u a grays writing tips novel anyways if u have any more questions always feel free to ask also i think u inadvertantly helped me write my english reflection

[ofphcenixes]

BLUE & LIBBY - text thread 001

texts from 3:55pm to 7:01pm

blue

hey lib. (: havent talked today. just wanted to drop in and see if u were doin alright i have memes if u need them

libby

i mean, technically we did talk. i reminded you of the moment the world stood still: when valentine and you made contact (1) time. are you okay though? you seem a little, weird

blue

i maintain that valentine was an alien in a spider suit that wanted to destroy me but u know what I mean djdjdjd just chats between us. the gc has been a june holden fest lately lmao hope it works out for them tho anyways i am always weird in ur eyes djdjhd. but im fine. shit was crazy that night and we never really got to talk about what happenedand if u wanted to talk i just want u to kno im here ABOUT NADIA bc yeah kdjdjjd

libby

don't talk to me or my son ever again yeah, wow, okay so holden stayed over the night. i only know that because i saw his stuff in her room? i think she mentioned that like, it was a one time thing but i feel like... he might be coming over again which.. is Interesting oh. yeah, no i think i'm okay. i guess just in shock. june is very broken up over it, so i'm doing my best to be a good pal, and bring loads of ice cream and kisses. /: do you wanna talk? about nadia? i know that she like, meant something to you

blue

ok good luck getting me to stop talkin to u but as for valentine? bye Felecia! is that right. hmm well he doesn’t seem like much is goin on so maybe they were just,, hanging out. bringing a bag over is pretty damning tho. and if he does come over and u see him tell that bih he owes me $ bc he ate my fucking chorizo salad ): r u proud lib?? I ate a salad by choice well I would have if Holden wasn’t a lil birch bitch DONT CENSOR ME fuck. im sorry. ): i actually wanted to see june today tbh. but if u need anyone pls let me know alright? id skip practice if u needed me, lib WELL. i mean ok i was sorta close with her in middle school and she’s always been a friend and I just. I’m just fucking numb tbh. I really can’t believe it

libby

i'll have you know that valentine died shortly after my 18th birthday so ): idk idk, why would they hang out in her room if they were "hanging out"? like they have history. i feel like thats, a little too ... suspicious given the context. in a good way though. like i hope it works out theyre both so miserable without each other. oh my god!! look at you go! so proud of you, dude! ( even if you never got to it lmao ) no, no, it's okay. june needs all the support she can get, and i don't wanna impede. i'm really fine, i just sort of need to accept it and i guess reflect on how terrible it is. she was a really sweet person and fuck i really cant believe any of it i guess

blue

fuck what kdjdjdnd I thought valentine just yeeted shit that’s not a good way to put it fuck but. im sorry lib ): ok I take it back Valentine was alright. still scared the fuck out of me tho all i know is that if i loved someone as much as holden loves june, i wouldn’t let you go **THEM fuck Damn phone Typos Djdjhdi can’t believe u make me eat green stuff its truly CRUEL whomst? I only know nadia just didn’t fucking deserve any of this. shit even daisey didn’t. i just want to protect everyone and i don’t know HOW it goes without saying that im happy to be ur uber driver for the indefinite future

libby

no omg, i took good care of my boy. idk what happened, they can live up to like 15 years so i was pretty bummed tbh. i was a bad mom he appreciates your support from the grave though i mean, i guess. but not everyone you love is going to love you back, i think that's where holden's at. not everyone wants to be clung to, and june seems reluctant besides, you know all about that. holden, the love of your life, loves june. how sad it's good for you!!! i'm helping i ... feel so badly for both of them. i can't imagine how their families must be feeling, fuck. i hate this. i'm moving to spain ah, dude you don't have to do all that. you probably are busy with practice, and holden, and work. thank you tho

blue

im sure ur a great mother. ): but still valentine was lucky to have u. and im sure he misses u in his weird spider heaven web of flies and whatever it is spiders like idk ill dm peter parker and find out i mean... guess that’s true. I suppose I dont get to see how june feels most of the time. i just wish they’d talk about it and sort it out at least. they both deserve to be happy holden is the loml that is true aksjjsjd. holden has enough room for both me and june in his heart. so i mean technically i can love someone else too?? but enough about that lmfao you definitely are helping. even coach has noticed dkdjd. making me better without even trying u can’t move without me who’s gonna get me free popcorn ): you’re just as important as practise and holden to me, lib.

libby

god, i miss him. you think the girls would be mad if i bought another one? like, to keep in my room.  i know! they're both obviously still in love, you can tell. i can't wait for them to overcome this and get to be together. also, im grateful for the amount of sleep i'm able to get now that... the room next to mine is less loud welp, i hope you find someone who is willing to share you with holden lol oMG, REALLY? IDK WHY THAT MADE ME IRRATIONALLY HAPPY LOL. WE CAN GET SALAD LATER let's go, we'll go to spain and take on a new identity. we can live along the coast and work in a bakery or something. get a puppy don't show holden that text he might cry. but dsjflk thank you, you're very important to me too. kinda my best pal

blue

u would have to ask. but if you did get another what would u call it? thanksgiving? funnily enough valentine is only a few weeks away. a sign?? i mean fuck ive known holden for years and can confirm he is happiest when he’s with june. when she’s not roasting him at least lmfao. and if my MasterPlan works im afraid things will get bad again djdjdj. I can take one for the team and try to get them to come over here tho - u don’t need to deal with that shit i hope i do too tbh. and who would I want it to be u ask? that’s right. danny devito. LETS NOT GET TOO CRAZY IVE ALREADY HAD THREE VEGETABLES THIS WERK AND ITS ONLY TUESDAY. I think it’s popcorn time 8) bold of u to assume i know where Spain is dkdjdjdjdj well he’s gonna catch on soon enough we spend every day together at this point lol

libby

i was gonna name this one patrick, after st patricks day actually lol. yes you know what's also approaching that is more important? your birthday! i know, it doesnt take a rocket scientist to figure that out. he's v much a relationship kinda dude, actually bc he's also kinda slutty lol. but even june is sad and its just, SO HARD. i hate when people are clearly, happiest together are like, nO IM GOING TO PROLONG THE MISERY. i feel like we're in a rom-com. how do we get them back together? i'll let him know. my v-day gift from me to you oooo, should i get the skittles ready too then? popcorn is kinda of a veggie if you think abt it omg, okay well now you can't come with me. offer rescinded. im going with the hot cop lslsfkjdjkldfs i mean its not like we're doing anything weird, so its okay, right?

blue

ur so cute wtf. although if u did do this i hope u know im calling him patrick star. also how the fuck do u tell if its a female or a male spider theyre so small and gross. fuck it is too lol. i dont have any money so im gonna let ppl down on the party front lmao. ud still come tho, right? how can he be both slutty and relationshippy. like not to be weird bc i know hes ur cousin and all dkfjgg but he doesnt.. have people over anymore. unless hes someone learned not to stomp around the house WHICH I DONT BELIEVE. and ha hA im already on plan 384 to get them back together get on my level lmao.  we just gotta force them to spend time together tbh. does that mean i have to give u the hot cop for valentines bc i mean. i would if that's what u wanted but im sure u can do much better than him OH FUCK UR RIGHT OUR WHOLE RELATIONSHIP HAS BEEN A LIE TO CONVERT ME TO VEGGIES HASNT IT r u breaking up with me? well fine, ill take the dog ): it's... it's not weird unless we make it weird. and we haven't. have we?

libby

fdsjfjdsl shhhhh, back at you. Patrick Star will be his full name, i promise you this much. as for gender idfk, i am honestly assuming its pronouns lol. i'd be sued by the LGBT community if they knew. also dude, of course. i'll make you cupcakes. plus i know what i wanna buy you! i  can't wait dude what? really?? i thought he was seeing people this whole time, holy shit. dude he's really messed up over this huh? wow, okay, we need to kick this into high gear and have them get back together. tell me your plans. omg, no you clown. i don't even like him that much, he's just pretty. i do like... some personality and he has 0 GOD MY PLAN HAS BEEN FOILED. I CANT BELIEVE IT like i'd ever let you take the dog. she's mine sdfjlkdsfjlk iDK DUDE. I MAY HAVE MADE IT WEIRD BUT WE'RE BAD AT TALKING ABT STUFF, SO WE DONT HAVE TO LOL.

blue

do spiders even have gender i thought they were just the minions of evil lmfao lib u rly dont have to get me anything, really. altho now im curious tbh. but get ready for me to get a lit gift in june >:) ill even wrap it myself which says a lot bc i cant wrap for shit but i want it to be personal lmao not many that im aware of atm. will give u info is this changes. huh we r spies lib. >:) but i dont have any current plans except trying to force them to go in a photo booth together or something when we eventually go to the arcade djsjdh omg how did u know. but idk everyone speaks about him like hes gOD he’s just a dude. eyebrows on fleek tho I will say that IM SO HURT UD USE ME LIKE THIS LIB. ALL THIS TIME WE WERE GETTING CLOSE AND U WERE ONLY HERE FOR THE VEGGIES so u get Spain AND the dog. what do I get, sadness ???? you haven’t made it weird lib, i promise. not to me, anyway. maybe we both wanted the same thing. maybe. oR MAYBE NOT LMFAO but yeah we can talk about whatever lol

libby

don't talk about nate like that omg! i want to, plus its a surprise so no asking what it is. also wow i cant believe you remember my birthday, lol. you dont have to get me anything. you can buy me an ice cream though oh my gOD THAT'S BRILLIANT! aw, what if they take one of those cute kiss pictures in the photobooth like in the movies? i can't wait for them to love each other again, they're so cute. are you jealous that no one is talking about your eyebrows? you have nice eyebrows and nothing to be jealous abt GOD, IM SO SORRY. ROY HIRED ME. HE WAS WORRIED ABT YOUR HEALTH. IM SORRY YOU HAD TO FIND OUT THIS WAY. I THOUGHT YOU NEVER WOULD /: you get the memory of what we were to keep you warm right, cool. noted

blue

why do u talk about the string bean all the time i know u grew up with him but seriously he's like a pale pipe cleaner that i dont need in my life ofc i remeber ur birthday lib. dont u remember ur 10th?? probably the best day of my life lmao. and if u get me something i get u something thats how this works as long as june doesnt say anything mean and holden say anything stupid, its a pretty solid plan tbh. im not jealous HOW DARE ROY PLAY ME LIKE THIS. cant believe u betrayed me lib, after all we've been through ;-; but what if i want something to sell off now that u took the house oh fuck lib i didn't mean it like that. just... pretend i said nothing ok and. yeah talk about something else

libby

hey sorry, i gotta go. talk tomorrow.

blue

oh is everything ok? but alright talk tomorrow then i guess bye lib

libby

night

blue

its 6pm lib but okay night

blue

lib if i did something u dont have to tell me but pls know i didnt mean it, whatever it was. i hope youre okay. but i wont bother u again i promise. just. yeah

libby

it's okay, dude. i'm fine. it's honestly my own fault, it's not you. you're always great. i'm sorry. it's fine

blue

i dont understand what ur talking about but i can tell u dont want to so ill just... leave this. but you're always great too lib. the greatest, in fact. just let me know if ur still coming to the arcade later or not yeah

libby

i guess i'll go. i like pacman.

blue

if u... if u change ur mind i understand. but i really hope u can make it.

[haeroniel-doliet]

whoo boy i wanna talk again. besides what is my blog besides me reblogging sometimes pretty things and then sending out rambly self reflections to my 200 odd followers. ah yes. validation of venting to someone without burdening anyone. and maybe i think clearer when ive gotten a budding emotion out of my system. today im sappy about my graduation and how nice it was ;/ 

yes oh man the read more; love it. anyway ive had this bud up sometimes and i do like it but i dont get it out so im trying now to get out this feeling bc i dont function with held in feelings v well. 

this summer (2017. wow its not this year anymore) was emotional as hell for me, like, finishing school p shittily, traveling on my own (to family members and friends and to france?) and then being so in between with ib over and i knew i did badly and nobody believing me to when my results came and joy fell v quickly to tears. bc even though i surpassed my expectations in most of my subjects, my two most important ones ofc where two whole grades lower than they shouldve been. and i cried bc it meant to me i didnt get into university. i was bugged to call a uni who bluntly turned me down obviously, and i cried some more. struggling to sort out my social security being 18 and not in parents care apparently and difficult to explain why the fuck im abroad if i dont have a job or education going on. making plans to move to my brothers apartment to work and study and retake my exams from finland and take a forced gap year. 

bc of this i was so deflated for planning my stupid graduation bc feeling like a failure is not something to celebrate. id decided years ago my graduation was going to be important. bc graduation pictures are whet live on my grandparents walls and my parents house for years to come. i of course must have a beautiful flattering dress and the finnish grad cap (i didnt officially earn but hush) and to just be best me bc it’d make up for my shitty confirmation and might be the last time im celebrated by family. (ps my confirmation dress was a horrid lime strapless dress that makes me look naked in pictures where the flower bunch hid the top of the dress *shiver*. as well as being a sad 15 yr old who couldnt handle events being abt me and made it suck) and im not planning on getting married soon if ever. (joking to my dad its the last time hell see me in a white dress) but anyway, my brothers was a big ol deal bc he was the first of our gen to graduate, my cousins had a bit more casual things bc they are more casual and didnt think its such a big deal. which is maybe true. but for me. whoo boy. if theres gonna be one thing im gonna be celebrating i thought itd be my graduation and earning my god damn grad cap to be one of the adults. 

so anyway my whole situation is god damn peculiar being an international raised kid. i ofc went to ib highschool in london, “graduated” the same day as my last exam bc people needed to fly home the next day. graduate knowing nothing of your results or the future and with the fringe of impending failure over you. didnt even get properly drunk. never have been so i guess thats on me. no. thats another rant. anyway. all my 10 other classmates and i goodbye poof. no togetherness and fairwell thats it. we were kinda done (all but for my few good friends) so results day we message a lil into the group chat and then stop. we were not involved in each others graduation celebrations, not sure if some had any. in finland you do your exams, get your results then graduate all together get your hats and everyone has parties in the next few days so yea its party season. not for me. we celebrated late ish summer. (timed to my dads 50th so that i could have a little less spotlight and less pressure) and god everythings a blur and i dont wanna do invitations i dont wanna plan games to make it fun i dont wanna think of decorations or graduation presents or food bc UGH im a failure and nope. maybe in a better time i couldve. but parents plan food and get a venue (my request; nature and in finland bc like hell im dragging my grandparents to london or anyone else) and it is a military recreation spot but the by the sea and theres like nobody else so 8/10 . and i was hoping maybe they pull together entertainment like the way i made a quiz all about my brother for his graduation and hosted it. well. nah. they did try, a short quiz i helped make bc nobody knows me, my mom made a map game and ill get to the rest later. and the dress. bc it had to be good it just had to be. but like fuck do i want to go dress shopping. all i knew it had to be long (bc hello ugly legs) and with straps bc no more fake nakey. and tbh. the good stuff start happening when i only have to go to like one shop. my mom was there before hand, we try a few, and then damn. heres a flowy maxi dress. its a bit tight but super flattering (ended up getting larger one which was not as flattering but more comfortable) and my moms almost crying and she ends up buying it anyway  which im thankful for bc i found nothing that tops it. 

here it is btw, i have no clue if pics will stay under read more so i hope so but hahhah lucky yall

i know my face is  so attractive as is my posture but shhh were here for the dress right. also my uncle did actual photography bc hes an actual professional photographer but hes also depressed and doing it for free so havent seen those yet and just waiting patiently hopefully ill look tons more attractive in them. 

anyway were starting to get to the sappy part. so everyone says my dress is wonderful and gorgeous and everything right? and i genuinely agree i looked like the finnish maiden in blue and white and it suited the hat so well (pictured too) and i was so glad that was the dress, and that the world is so green behind me. things couldbe better but this was good. really good. people were dressed casual dressy with flowers featuered bc they know me that much and almost only people who i know and love were there. 

and i mean by this my cousin whos pretty much like a big sister to me <3 and helps me get my makeup right and my hair when moms too busy, my ‘auntie’ the only person i’d elevate to the honorary status not in the family, one of my moms highschool friends who came to my life in the past to years and is the most inspiring and spirited person i’ve ever met who treats me like an equal but is so passionate and caring and i can only dream to be like her, single, badass as fuck and confident in myself when i get older. (i admire her so much and it made me so incredibly happy that she was there and could come when most eveyone else is just my parents friend or family) then theres ofc my parents friends who have become close to all of us bc theyve been friends since before even my older brother was born. ive seen them more than some uncles and extended family tbh. and though theyre more mature and obviously my parents friends (while my ‘auntie’ is my moms friend and mine) and theyre hilarious supportive people who im so glad to see always, even if my own god parents couldnt make it (were in spirit and my godfather now messages me for christmas and new years to wish good luck and god im surrounded by supportive people my life is luckier than youd think) 

im not always close to the rest of my family, bc rather than being fully finnish like all them, ive grown up so international im a bit detached and its a lil sad but i know they dont mind so much and just like seeing me, i.e. my grandparents and great aunts and etc.(and ofc, dads words, more people you invite the more money you get. since i was doubting inviting people i dont rly know. but it all turned out hella well) and while in my last post i was bitter about how predictable and unimaginative my parents are at making surprises (yknow making things exciting like pinterest and media tells is right) apparently my extended family can fill these boots in their stead. cue the singing!  goodness so i think they sang a lot more than i can remember, but two stuck out. my aunt (the only real one and with a fantastic singing voice) soloed me the song of the bird that got up and flew away to see the world and homesickness. idk it was so sweet and she hugged me after saying it reminded her of me, and it was just genuine and sweet as hell. as well as her teaming up with every musical soul in the family to sing gaudeamus igitur- the song aparently sung at every highschool graduation/capping ceremony to celebrate our graduates. but since guess who didnt have that! they sang it for me, and it was the most unexpected sweet thing, bc they realised it during the party, scurried off to practice and sang the whole latin thing off their phones p much! god it meant so much for me. its incredible how much it means when someone subtly makes an observation about you (that is also correct) and then goes through surprising you with something so genuine and nice? gah! good shit. did i mention my ‘auntie’ remembered me once mentioning  a yarn i loved so much i hadnt dared to knit with it? she took a sample, went to find the yarn and made me the largest most amazing scarf (which i swear takes forever and im so thankful for) that she apparently just finished on the way there and it was perfect? maybe my absolute favourite graduation present. bc who else paid such attention to me, and didnt just take it literally, but took it to a new amazing level? heck.( also to everyone who now gives my artsy postcards to add to my collection. special ;* to you)

so- though it was a little bit of a hassle with some awkward bits, my brother only coming for an hour in the evening and conversations that went eeehhhh and etc, (plus at some point a lot of the memories of sharing a happy day with my dad and him being so proud of me were tainted by a big argument we had like a week and a half later ;( it was solved but tension stayed and its still slightly there) i managed to look p good, had my uncle hopefully take wonderful pictures of me and make me feel beautiful even if i wished i was skinnier and looked different and everything. i had people who really care about me hang out for a whole weekend and be good to me, and things went pretty darn well over all leaving me with good memories to gush over apparently! 

ohhh i totally forgot to mention huh, my lamenting above was resolved!!! i called my second uni (Aberdeen) and asked them softly like hi when will i know? bc you havent yet rejected and im uncertain bc i dont meet one of your requirements but exceed the others so? and theyre the sweetest. i gush about my uni all the time (partly to make me feel better about being there, but besides the point) about how many letters they sent me, how their entire vibe is so welcoming and accepting and like they value their students as important individuals and not just as figures to up their ratings. theyve been so caring- so open to understanding and taking the students under their wing without too much academic stress in the first term... so good and they genuinely are checking with people in charge and looking me up in their systems before telling me how they look at each case individually and will be back to me within a week and if not to call back! what uni says that. but they do- they get back to me in like 3 days. which happens to be my first day back in finland and 2 days before the graduation party. i get an email middle of the day while out with a friend but no i mustnt read it! i get back to her house, bc im staying with them, were doing dinner and.... i check and refresh and oh god im university!!! i did it!! im in!!!! holy fucking god!!! yes i jump a little and make them read it and yes i just found out right now and they bring out some champagne and i call my dad who apparently got tears in his eyes (which is so important, bc id felt him lose pride in me when my results came and id actually failed myself just like id said- aka what ended up to the argument. nope. i gotta stop spoiling good memories like this :[ ) and i suddenly felt pride in an achievement that my grades werent (now passing ib is an achievement. and the 75% of my grades that were fuckin bangin and i can be proud of) im IN. thats all that mattered, 

i was now resolved, i had a plan, i had something to tell the people who never see me so they can think well of me. i can have people congratulate me on getting to uni rather than ask about the ib! it was utterly perfect timing and made everything a little better. and im sure ive ranted about uni before, it being yknow the really right place for me, in almost every aspect except for chemistry (big part of course, makes me shaky in my whole degree choice) but im sorting things out. things are only getting better. bc im gonna see someone about maybe depression and not gonna have to vent here too much maybe. 

yikes tho, i wonder sometimes why i dont put these to my vent blog. but. my vent blog is so upsetting and horrible, like chest you scream into and shut. this is good. this is a diary entry i might want to see again. i dont wanna look into that hell pit to find this. im sorry if you’ve read this. but congratulations you now know me better as a person than most people who ever meet me. well not wholly, but getting there ;) . maybe if i ever date anyone in some future, i’ll find and edit these to give over as a summative glimpse into who i am. then again in some future id find a person who would never get sick of me talking all these feelings out in as many descriptive words as i can bc it eases me and theyd care. and do the same for me. yea. im changing. am i? maybe. things are blurry fuzzy and a little gray now. but my futures gonna be so colorful and clear i cant wait.