#bc my mom is trying to encourage me getting a job for me to get work experience but shes also part of the problem and its a mess and its

[mars-ipan]

was super overwhelmed earlier trying to schedule out my meds bc i have 6 new prescriptions plus my standard home meds i’m trying to keep track of. took a nap which helped and i’m less freaked out now but i am for sure still waugh frazzled

[real-life-cloud]

U know I'm deciding rn. If I'm still single at 30 then I am just Having a goddamn baby

[strongermonster]

this is a really weird thing to complain about perhaps + has a really simple fix of "why don't you just switch banks then bc no one cares??"

but last year (maybe the year before?) my bank switched from a very conservative navy blue, berry red, and steel grey colour scheme that had a sort of feel of professional detachment to it that i've come to associate with dry corporate things like banking, to this "fun" new thing that's lime green and hot pink, with (mostly) light grey text on dark grey backgrounds, and uses exclusively black and white pictures of Attractive Diverse Youths of an Indeterminate Age Doing Fun Millennial-Appealing Non-Banking Activities to try and jazz it up, and i... i don't... hate it, but it feels... wrong?

it feels too very specifically engineered. calculated. like, you're a bank. you're a financial institution owned by a larger one that has all the money in the world and does not care to help a single soul with it, but you know it doesn't matter because we're stuck with you anyways.

"free spirited photography" "old-fashioned competition" "energetic black-and-white imagery" why does it feel like they're trying to convince me of something?? this is like a new wave social media app that hasn't figured out how manipulative phrasing has worked yet.

the whole thing feels disingenuous and tacky. they're an online only bank, so they're trying to appeal to millennials and younger by being Hip and Cool with the Youths, but it just feels sour. reminds me a bit of 'they live (1988)'-ish, or when you get a new job and they're like "we're a family here! 🥰" and everything is really sleek and buzzfeed/tech startup-esq and counter-productively techy in a really inhuman way and you end up getting fired over zoom by a bohemian chic hr woman wearing fashion glasses she doesn't need with bangles that jingle the entire time she gesticulates while telling you she's really-really sorry your mom has cancer, but you did break company policy by taking 10 days off this year 😢

also when i say "i don't hate it" i mean uhm. if this was the kind of colours and imagery that someone was using to promote a community-based event that involved interacting with other people, i would find it enjoyable and engaging. but there's something about it being used to encourage engagement with an app designed to take my money that makes me feel uhh well all of the above i guess.

i don't know. corporations have more access to us on a deeply personal level than ever before, so when i see things like this it makes me nervous to think about how many greedy corporate execs sat in a room workshopping the best way to seem like Your Cool Friend like some sort of shapeshifting social parasite. but maybe i'm just paranoid.

[duncebento]

forgive me for randomly bringing this up in your inbox but u are one of the only people on this website i have ever seen actually understand hannibal lecter so i have to ask you. do you think he would legitimately find joy in helping a person get better or would he rather see them get worse and weirder like will did

ooh thank you! perhaps it’s because i find hannibal to be a relatable character, but do with that what you will…

anyway, my two cents is that will is a fringe case, and hannibal is generally interested in helping his patients “get better,” yes. it’s just that “better” for him is philosophically opposed to that of the psychiatric mainstream.

consider CBT, whose goal is to help patients move through their societies and lives without obstacle. it’s criticized for it’s passivity— “try to perceive your problems differently”— which ultimately relegates the systems and situations that oppress a subject and the jungian/freudian underlying bits of their psyche to an unerring tunnel that the subject must simply move through as best they can. you’ve probably heard this crit before, like, someone depressed because they’re working an oppressive job under an oppressive system might benefit from feeling calmer and more positive, but is ultimately not going to be meaningfully aided by much other than liberation, and the ideology of CBT has to largely ignore that fact.

hannibal doesn’t, though. he cares far less about getting people through their days and far more about what could be called the narrative of a patient, i think— revenge, desire, retribution, trauma, doom. he’s obsessed with the chimeric nature of man as god-imbued animal; he is constantly implicitly reminding his patients that the taboo only exists to censor that which occurs naturally to humanity. “getting better” cannot mean moving through the tunnel, then, it must mean excavation, destruction of that which constricts you in its evil or its opposition! chains off and mask untied for the god-animal!

as such, when hannibal’s advice is to commit murder, it seems to me boring and unnecessary to interpret that as the simple logic of an evil villain or a jokeresque agent of chaos. he is not even encouraging his patient to do something wrong, to his eyes. nor to do exactly what he does in rejecting all that he considers rude and ugly. he wants them to do the unique thing that compels them. in short, hannibal’s interest is that his patients live truthfully. taking jung’s “let things happen” to it’s deep-end conclusion. when killing is the only thing that satisfies you, kill: you are living according to god’s design, though you must be aware that the kind of creature you are cannot live for long in this society. it is as such that he is often not manipulating people to his ends, but to their own.

until will is concerned. will is his pet and plaything, and marks an illogic in hannibal’s philosophy of care. hannibal wants will’s truth to match his own, and his disinterest in will’s clarity is typified by his maintenance of will’s hallucinatory state. hannibal’s love for will is what i call “cave love” with my therapist: one lover, isolated from their society and living in a dark cave, achieves happiness by convincing a second lover of the beauty and safety of their isolation, creating a codependency in which each is the only path toward salvation for the other. hannibal wants desperately for will to be his, and for this reason he hobbles him.

this is just the lens through which i view him though. i haven’t seen the show in a while (and, in fact, i haven’t finished it yet bc i watch with my mom ^^;) so this is definitely a memory-based explanation. but i hope it’s interesting to you ^_^

[joseimukeaddict]

Probably gonna fail a class so here are random headcanons for Izumi Tachibana from A3!

(It’s pretty long IMO and not proofread, sorry)

(I also am not caught up with the JP main story past Act 10 so sorry if anything contradicts sth that happens later)

CW: it gets kinda depressing near the end, my mood kinda seeped in 😓; mostly backstory stuff

——

- my girl is bi (more so bc I want a chance)

- her mom was always a stickler for a clean house so she’s super serious about making sure everyone does their chores, even more than Sakyo

- this one is more about Yukio and her mother but that man’s taste is women is definitely serious women in charge (they say you tend to fall for someone similar to your parents *winkwonk* SakyoIzu being the gender bent ver *winkwonk*

- Women on top tho, the men are simps (Yukio has to call at least once a week or else)

- On that note, her mom definitely holds grudges by the way she doesn’t even want Yukio to be mentioned in her household; Izumi holds mini-grudges too but they eventually fade with time bc she’s forgetful and just really nice

- not one to scream at a person when she’s angry, just raises her voice and speaks in a firm tone (she’s really good at choosing the right words though so it’s kinda worse to get her mad bc she’s usually so tolerant and her words hit deep)

- always speaks from the heart so this skill not transfer to acting 😭

- when her dad left so suddenly, she tried watching plays to cope but then started crying in the middle of the performance bc she thought of what her dad would think of a specific scene bc they used to do daddy-daughter play trips

- briefly tried to take up a different artistic hobby instead of theatre but when that failed, she just threw herself into her studies

- average student but she can get higher scores if she really tries

- scores into a pretty good college but a friend encourages her to go to a decent college that at least has a good arts program bc they’re worried Izumi is gonna throw away her life’s passion

- although she had that horrible experience where the theatre head told her she has no acting talent, at least being able to help create plays with backstage work rekindles her love of theatre and gives her an even greater appreciation for behind the scenes positions

- she works her way up the back stage ladder, trying out all sorts of different jobs to get a feel for each of them and eventually gets to an assistant director position

- and she’s absolutely in love with it (my girl is a career woman through and through)

- she gets why her father loved it so much although he was a great actor himself

- so thankful to the friend who encouraged her to go to that college, they’re still in contact (long distance bc she’s still at their home town) and they text and do late night calls often (they’re platonic soulmates dw)

- She was decently popular before daddy issues happened and lost a lot of the fair weather friends and only has a few close ones she’s made and kept over the years; she’s making more connections via theatre nowadays bc MANKAI keeps her so busy (it’s a crime that Liber doesn’t even give Izumi just one friend outside of her relation with MANKAI)

- Although MANKAI and her friend have never met, they refer to each other by nicknames at this point bc of how often Izumi catches them up on what the other is doing

- I know for a fact this girl is a praiser, she’s just so proud about them like a mother (especially when it comes to MANKAI)

- Takes almost no credit for them however, my girl has some insecurity issues being around such immensely talented people 😢

- She’s very talented in managerial aspects but she only found out after years of no talent in various arts

- She’s not one to tell people about her troubles (she knows she should) but people who know her well can tell when she needs a pick me up

- and one last happy one bc wow it got depressing and long: at least every few months, she schedules a weekend off and goes back to her hometown to spend time with her mother, after realizing that she should cherish more the family she has close by after moving into the MANKAI dorm and being reminded of family by the boys (both mother and daughter look forward to this event every time) (what do they do? Just relax and chat over Japanese snacks while her mother gives Izumi some tips on how to better run the dorm) (If you think Izumi is a praiser, her mother is worse, 1000% yaps about her wonderful daughter all the time to her friends behind Izumi’s back)

——

Sorry it was so long… too many thoughts for MANKAI’s one and only Director…

I have so many more but no one would want to read that much in one sitting. IDK Part 2 when I fail another major assignment that will cost me my grade?

[spurgie-cousin]

A friend just threatened to ban my fiance and I from ever seeing her kids again if we choose to ask that the only kids present at our wedding are immediate family and kids in the wedding party. Her kids would be in the wedding party, but because we’d be implying that parents get a sitter, we’re encouraging unsafe parenting and are no longer safe to be around her kids if we go through with this choice.

I want so badly to tell you this is an April Fool’s day joke but this girl is already 1 foot on the tradwife/fundie/doomsday mom track so I’m not surprised yet I’m absolutely dumbfounded at the same time about how she jumped to that conclusion.

oh wow that's a headscratcher tbh, when I first read this I was like "ok well that woman is uniquely crazy" but the more I thought about it, the more it 100% sounds like a trad or fundie move to deem any and all babysitters dangerous and freak out about that.

not gonna lie I'd have no idea what to tell this woman either....... it sounds like she's far enough down the trad pipeline that's she's been convinced her children aren't safe with any person on the planet outside of their immediate family (very statistically untrue sadly) which is giving me like, Karissa Collins vibes. that's a few steps past the raw milk stage I feel.

i'm really trying to think of what I'd say in that situation bc I highly doubt there's any chance of making her be introspective about why she feels that way........ if she's a good friend I'd probably ask her to explain that thinking too me, because I don't understand?

I would also probably say something along the lines of, I'm really sorry you feel that way, but it is not my job to police how every single person I know parents, and I have to do what I need to do for my wedding set up/venue. And if she still feels that way then that's her prerogative as a parent but that's very upsetting for you, obviously.

idk that's a tough one and I'm sorry you have to deal with that. That's a really unfair and shitty position she's put you in.

[bookishjules]

🎱 ⇢ post your AO3 total stats 

🛼 ⇢ describe your latest wip with five emojis

🥑 ⇢ you accidentally killed somebody, which mutual(s) do you text for help?

🧃 ⇢ share some personal lore you never posted about before

🪐 ⇢ name three good things going on in your life right now

🔪 ⇢ what's the weirdest topic you researched for a writing project?

🥐 ⇢ name one internet reference that will always make you laugh 

🐝 ⇢ tag your biggest supporter(s) and say one nice thing about them

<3

🎱 ⇢ post your AO3 total stats 

🛼 ⇢ describe your latest wip with five emojis

hmm 🤴🏻🔃⛺🤫💕

🥑 ⇢ you accidentally killed somebody, which mutual(s) do you text for help?

lena @ann-perkins4 . does she count as a mutual? idk she'd definitely be the first and possibly only call. second .. might actually be nero @potato-jem bc ik they can keep a secret and keep a cool enough head in the situation. also idk.. i feel like they'd have some good instincts. also australia is very far from the us, which has benefits. okay actually i'm adding marissa @dontdoitfrancis bc she can get to me in an hour and also idk her favorite book literally starts with covering up a death so... i'm trusting my scorpio bestie here.

🧃 ⇢ share some personal lore you never posted about before

have i talked before about the trauma nurse that came to our school in 6th grade (age 11) and the assembly we had where she showed us videos of what could happen if you don't wear your helmet, or if even one person is unbuckled in a car? yeah turns out everyone dies. needless to say the bus ride home was torture. i cried the whole time and then immediately put a helmet on when i got home and refused to take it off the rest of the night. and still to this day i refuse to put my car out of park unless everyone in it is firmly buckled in. and every time an uber driver tries to be efficient and starts driving away before i've even found the seatbelt, my anxiety starts spiking so high. forever thankful that my mom did not make me go to school when the same assembly came around the next year.

🪐 ⇢ name three good things going on in your life right now

i made a friend at my new job. i'm going to oregon and seeing my whole family next weekend. bc of my new job i have a free gym membership and i'm finally starting to try and get back in shape <3

🔪 ⇢ what's the weirdest topic you researched for a writing project?

genuinely i would not remember. i am constantly googling anyway, so nothing really feels weird to me to look up, and i kinda tend to avoid writing anything that would require heavy research tbh 🙈

🥐 ⇢ name one internet reference that will always make you laugh 

just one? look at all those chickens!! (used to refer to literally anything)

🐝 ⇢ tag your biggest supporter(s) and say one nice thing about them

okay i could tag so many people but i really want to shout out @thephonyqueenofengland who i think has read and commented on more of my fics than probably anyone outside of my close mutuals. every time i see a notif from them i smile, and their sweet comments during my 12 days of christmas thing were so encouraging and really made the whole thing feel like it was worth it. <33 (i've been wanting to say something to you awhile. to thank you. but i didn't know how, so here is an official thank you for being you <3)

writing truth & dare ask game >:)

[eluvixns]

'your job must be really easy since all you do is personal care' 'i couldnt do your job i couldnt spend the day wiping assholes and cleaning up shit'

did u know my ward is nurse led and there are no doctors or emergency teams so if there IS an emergency its me who will be there??? its me who will notice first bc the nurses dont spend time with patients?? did u know that if a patient is unwell and receiving help its probably bc i was paying enough attention to see it? did u know that in the last year i have been assaulted multiple times with two instances needing me to take time off work for recovery??? did u know that i have had to stand between an aggressive patient and ur dying end of life mother multiple times bc id rather get clapped than have ur moms last moments be getting whacked by a person in alcohol withdrawal? did u know i have to bc we have no security at my hospital and the big bosses refuse to give us any bc our cases of aggressive patients arent considered good enough to have the funds given to us for us to be safe?? did u know i am the frontlines person before the nurses?? i am in charge of preventing pressure sores and moisture damage and making sure ur dad doesnt fall and break his hips and feeding and encouraging fluids and personal hygiene and checking blood sugars and blood pressure and monitoring outputs and inputs and if your mom goes into cardiac arrest its ME who will be there to try and give her a fighting chance??? its me who has to constantly be aware of signs of stroke??? or uti's that can be fatal in the elderly??? I HAVE TO BE ALERT FOR SIGNS OF SEPSIS. THERE IS A ONE HOUR WINDOW TO DETERMINE WHICH WAY SEPSIS WILL GO. ONE HOUR.

'your job is so simple and easy' i will shake u like a dogs chew toy between my teeth

[deviantartdramahub]

Not to kick a dead horse, but sense DADN's little minions are still desperately begging for the drama to stay alive, I decided a good way to push them further down the grave they've dug themselves is by pointing out something I've been thinking of talking about for a while.

So, yet another terrible thing about DADN is that they seem to support helicopter parenting. For example, remember when they urged me to talk all about Club to my mom, and then I made fun of them for it? Well maybe it's a genuine problem...

They seem to try to encourage kids to have no privacy, and think parents should be constantly looking at what their kids are doing. This is toxic for obvious reasons, bc of course parents should be doing their job to make sure their kids are safe, but there's a line between ensuring that and being, well, a helicopter parent. DADN crosses that line.

Me and other kids should be able to make friends on the internet without having to alert their parents EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. a new person interacts with them. They shouldn't have to tell the parents about every little detail about all the people they meet on the internet. Not only is this exhausting for kids to deal with while also denying them any privacy and freedom, but it also prevents any trust between the kid and all the friends they'll try to make, bc their friends won't be able to share anything without risking some other person knowing about it. The parents might judge said friends, or say rude things about them, and very possibly without a justified reason. There's also a chance a kid has bigoted parents, and by enabling said bigoted parents to helicopter their child, they'll never be able to achieve a safe space on there where they can find accepting people. imagine an LGBT kid wanting to block out the mental torture they deal with in their IRL family and find others like them, caring people who accept and understand them, and might even be in the same situation as them...or if a parent's just plain abusive in general and the kid wants to seek help or comfort from others, then people like YOU, DADN, step in and decide to push the kid to tell everything, or find a way for the parents to know about everything, and then the kid may be isolated, yelled at, having any source of comfort and happiness taken away, or may even be physically abused bc of any of it! You see where I'm getting at, right? Everyone HAS to see how damaging ALL OF THIS is, right??

I'm old enough to be on the websites I am, and my mom knows I talk to people, knows I have basic education of internet safety, knows I post art, ect, and that's good enough. She doesn't try to push more than what's required, bc she's an actual respectful mother. And I'm not gonna let you try to change anything about that. I may be lucky enough to have a mom like her, but there's HUNDREDS of kids who aren't. And allowing and encouraging their awful parents to helicopter those unfortunate children will do more harm than good at the end. I pray non of you ever have any children, I really do... -^-

And yes, I'm sure there's more examples than the one I provided, it's just I wanted to spend my effort on wording everything and providing all necessary points rather than remembering each example, the one I provided is good enough. Though if anyone would like to share more examples, that'd be lovely <3

That, combined with their antinatalism, makes it seem to some of us like they just hate kids.

[moonjxsung]

pls brain either keep doing mini skz fics in my dreams or stop altogether bc every time i wake up from one i can’t think straight😪

and frrr with religious trauma!! my religious trauma doesn’t even revolve around my fam forcing religion on me but like everyone else around me. my mother in law is super catholic and im not baptized so for like a year or two in our relationship she was trying to get me to get baptized. and in a way i’ve always thought of doing it bc of my guilt but i don’t want to do it by force, yk?

so yeah i guiltily love stories that contain blasphemous aspects!! (juno has an anon that wrote priest!hyune🛐). so almost having sex with changbin at a church was top tier. i still think about it all the time. i also dreamt that i dryhumped jeongin at a church once at minho’s orders🛐🛐🛐.

and let’s be honest!!! jisung would love blasphemous sex bc bro is the biggest freak (idk if he’s religious or not bc he’s made like references about jesus and has a jesus shirt) so it’s either a humor thing or religious but either way he’d love it but maybe with a lil guilt too. i think you’d write a fantastic blasphemous sexy story but i get the apprehension as well.

past lives is so good! im so glad your mom enjoyed it! i cried sooooo much as well. it’s such an interesting story. and so beautifully written and directed too. (my bf spent the whole movie saying yoo teo looks like an older version of taehyung and i cannot unsee it).

and i am also so keeping up with 🦢🧡🌙 and star drama and im living for it. my fav long-term storytelling.

the fact that you said that you’d read a dissertation from me, im crying. ilysm bb💜

-🐈‍⬛

No I totally get that! It should be on your terms and whenever you feel ready!

TW below the cut: long blurb about my impending religious trauma 🫶 (seriously if anyone struggles with religious trauma please proceed with caution lol)

I struggle so bad with religious ocd which is strange because I grew up attending church and I was baptized AND confirmed into my church so I was a very active participant and my parents never forced anything on me, but in college when I began questioning specifics and taking lots of science courses I became like a raging atheist and I would get so annoyed whenever religion was brought up and I just shut it out completely. Navigating my sexuality and just being a young adult and not understanding religion/feeling very detached from it was super difficult. And then in sophomore year of college was when I began getting really bad religious themed intrusive thoughts (I won’t bore you with the details) but basically I began developing ocd rituals that began to take a toll on my physical health and I was hospitalized twice for it and put on medication for about 5 years (I stopped about one year ago now!) and I felt like it was God punishing me in a sense. For 2 years straight I could hardly leave my house without feeling like I was under the watchful eye of a higher power and I would keep a BIBLE in my purse, it got so bad that I quit my job and almost took a year off college just to to engage in my ocd rituals 😭 luckily I had a really good support system so I got intensive therapy and I was really close to a writing professor of mine who was very understanding about it and encouraged me to write about what I was feeling so I have notebooks full of my 5 year struggle with religion and it was just…….. not fun LOL

Luckily I’m much better now (I still struggle with it, just not to a debilitating extent!) and I think that’s where a lot of the attraction to blasphemy comes from, because I already have been funneling my religious guilt into writing for so long and I already write smut after being so sexually repressed as a result of my medication (and fear that god was going to punish me for exploring my sexuality) so I think combining the two would be a fairly easy task. I’m always just worried that if I spiral again I’m going to equate it to my writing and blame myself 😭 BUT if you guys ever see themes of religious guilt in my writing, that’s a little backstory to it because it’s a huge part of my personal identity and I think it’s going to follow me around forever. ALSO THE JISUNG BIT…… I could so see him in a blasphemy themed story, he so gives off church crush vibes 😭😭😭😭 my brain is FUZZY I may very well have to write something about it 👼

I still need to get around to watching Past Lives BUT it seems so good and tragic from what I’ve heard!! I personally love media with sad endings too, it just scratches an itch on my brain 😭

Also thank you for keeping up with 🧡🌙🦢 drama we are a chaotic MESS right now……. I think I’m technically cheating on so many of my virtual partners right now (I still love u all) but their silly little messages keep me going fr

I love u so much pookie!!!! Also of COURSE I would read a dissertation by you it would be FANTASTIC like all your messages always are 👼💓🩷💕 I hope you’re having the best day ily ily

[pinkspiraling]

vent about sister A! cause things seem to be going downhill

well. welllllllll. sister A (i’ll start differentiating between my sisters again bc it’s confusing) called me today while i was at a friends house. first she called to tell me about a dream she had which was fine but annoying since she knew i was with a friend. thennn she called and left a VM that said “mom sent me money for food, should i use it to buy weed?” and i was like uhh no but also why tf are you asking me. when i’m at a friends house too. then i get a text of a screenshot of her placing her order at the dispensary. listen, i know i can’t judge and i’m not really judging about the weed. i’m more irked that she used my mothers money for FOOD on weed…like…dude cmon. i don’t think i’ve ever asked my parents for money unless it was an emergency or something i had to pay but couldn’t, like a textbook. this bitch asks my parents for money constantly and asks me to ask them for money for her. it’s so out of hand and she’s asking me for money too and she literally has a big girl job with a salary. like get a grip bro oh my fucking god. she is wrecking her relationships right now and thinking it’s fine and that we owe her this overly generous help. she also doesn’t smoke weed. like at all. it gives her panic attacks but she tried it with a friend the other day and was fine so ig she’s smoking now. she doesn’t even drink much. idk wtf is going on. also, as a guy who’s trying to get sober or at least mostly sober, this is a stressful ass thing for me to hear. this is the sister who has bribed me with alcohol knowing full well i have a serious problem with it. this is the bitch that gave me a full bottle of adderall when i asked for a couple pills. she knows i have substance abuse issues she just doesn’t give a fuck. bitch has rifled through her prescription pills offering me xanax and painkillers and shit bc i asked for advil. she’s so fucking toxic for me like she’s so bad for me and idfk i just don’t need her to be smoking around me when i’m trying to stop like this is one of those things that i’ll have to actively turn down and fight against her about and i don’t have the energy like fuck dude. she’s already texted me that she wants to smoke with me but i literally just told her yesterday that i have to quit to start meds. ik i seem to be overreacting but i know her and i know the way she encourages and uses my substance abuse against me and i think shes in a manic episode rn and im trying to get better, i just don't need her shit i have enough of my own

[perks-of-being-a-nurse]

What made you want to become a nurse ?

hey @coldbrewman1 ! sorry I'm not sure when you sent this, I'm not super active on this blog anymore and mostly just post a mash up of things on my main @starfish-enterprise .

anyway! I don't have a super profound answer to this question. I've always been interested in medical things/the human body as long as I can remember. I remember looking at human body books I had as a little kid and stuff like that. this turned into watching medical shows, reading lots of random stuff, and sneakily watching medical reality/reenactment shows when I wasn't supposed to be watching TLC 😆

I've been pretty involved in scouts Canada since I was six going up through the program, and through scouts I had opportunities to do first aid training which I really liked. I also met a lot of amazing people who are lifelong friends who shared my same interests, and starting in highschool I was able to be involved in a "vocational program" focused on first aid and medical training and providing volunteer first aid for camps, scouting events, and community events. I have been able to be part of the medical service for three national scout camps with thousands of kids and it's amazing!

doing this volunteering kind of solidified in my mind like okay something medical is definitely what I want to do. originally I really wanted to be a paramedic, and the year after I graduated from high school I got my emergency medical responder license. I never ended up getting paid to work with that license (I did volunteer,) but I did volunteer under that scope. where I live it can be difficult to make a good wage starting out as a paramedic. BC has a provincial paramedic service, and it's a union (which is great) so it's all seniority based, so getting a full time position in a city can take a long time. on call hourly pay is terrible, and you usually start in a rural area where you might not get a lot of calls, so if you don't get any calls you could make just $14 for a 12 hour shift.

my mom discouraged me from pursuing that for various reasons, and she also really encouraged me to get a university degree, which is what most people do in my family. I didn't want to do just like a random biology degree, because I don't necessarily work well when I can't see a clear trajectory and a concrete end goal of what I'm working towards, if that makes sense. even doing a degree with the goal of med school still has a lot of possible routes to get there, and it's so much school, which is not my favourite lol. I also knew I still wanted to do something medical/health care related, so that led me to nursing! I applied to a few universities in my last year of high school, and I was accepted to nursing programs at Queens and Western universities in Ontario. I almost went to Queens, but I didn't feel ready to go straight into university after high school.

I took a year off, did that EMR course and licensing, worked at a grocery store and as a nanny, and did volunteer ski patrol (more first aid) at my local ski hill.

during that year I applied to my local nursing program which I wasn't able to apply to straight out of high school due to various course credit stuff which they have since changed. I was lucky enough to get in on my first try, which is amazing because there's often a long wait-list for this program. then I finished and became a nurse!

tldr: I like medical stuff, becoming a doctor is a lot of school, and paramedics don't make as much money 😆

anyway, I don't a have a super profound answer or anything, it was just a good career choice that worked for me. nursing wasn't a calling to me, its not really my passion, it's my job. it's a job that I really like and sometimes love, but it's my job, not my life. I think we need to hear more of that because it will help nurses get paid more and change public perception. I'm not nursing for altruistic reasons, and honestly I don't know anyone who is. the narrative of nursing being a calling or whatever needs to change imo.

sorry about my little diversion at the end there! there's the long convoluted answer 😆

[girlvinland]

I have so many emotions every day. I’ll have moments when I’m content or even feeling joyful, but then a huge wave of guilt or sadness or resentment will wash over me. I know it’s normal, so I have to just let it happen and let it go.

Yesterday I was listening to an older woman talk about how she didn’t start understanding her sexuality until she was 56, and that from there it took another 8-10 years of working on being okay with it bc of the things she’d done in life (marriage, kids, and all that), and bc of her own internalized homophobia. I felt like I related so much, even though I’m not as old as her, even though I haven’t chosen to do those things, and even though we’ve had different journeys (she said she’d never questioned her sexuality before then, which is a hard thing for me to understand, but I know it’s different for older generations).

I had things I always knew about in myself as a teenager and even as a child, but then something would always push me back from being okay with it. I think I was 23-25 when I finally started slowly putting my toes in the water more, even though the thing that persisted in my mind was always “no, you can’t do this. What would your parents think? Dad wants a son-in-law he can do things with. Mom wants a grandchild that she is related to. They want this one life for you that they envisioned, so just stick with the program until someday you can be free from their expectations.” And it’s really sad that someday would always = when my parents are no longer here. With that knowledge, how long would this need to be endured? It’s sad that so many other people have felt like this, too.

My guilt doesn’t all stem from that, though. I had been in a relationship with someone for so long, to the point of becoming engaged because we felt so much pressure to do it, and bc it felt safe. Plus, the idea of a wedding is often so fun and exciting, it’s hard to not get all wrapped up in that. I’m lucky that this person has always treated me with so much kindness and respect, I don’t know if I could have learned to accept myself so much otherwise, because they encouraged my self-exploration so much, and never with any judgment. So when I’ve taken these dips into the water, I’ve had to consider how badly it must still hurt them, how badly it must have hurt to have been on the other side of this. The only consolation is knowing that we both made the decision to stay due to comfort/stagnation/safety/etc. And now, we both want the best for one another. It is a weird journey, but maybe it’s not that abnormal, either. It helps when there are mutual understandings and few hard feelings.

I used to imagine life as a really big peak to climb, like you’d just keep making decisions to go up and up and up. Graduate high school. Go to college. Find someone. Get a job. Get married. Have kids. Stay at your job. See kids have kids. Retire. Die.

I’ve realized it’s not like that at all, that it’s not one big peak, but rather a series of hills, and I see it in myself and in my family and friends- we all make choices, but the choices can always change. Nothing is permanent, no rule book has to be followed (bc no rule book actually exists). You can change your mind at any time. Even if it hurts, even if it hurts other people. Of course, I think trying to diminish the hurt is usually a very good thing to do, even if it can’t always be done.

But I am so tired of this whole life skeleton that seems to be so set in place for everyone to adhere to. And I couldn’t keep using the sunk-cost fallacy to justify my decisions like, well, I’ve been doing this for this long, so I can’t turn around now. I could always turn around, I always can. Everyone can. I’ve watched my mom change her career completely in her 40s-50s. I’ve seen friends get divorced in their late twenties after realizing marriage or the person they were with wasn’t right for them, but they hadn’t had the knowledge to know that before. I’ve seen people like the woman I mentioned earlier, who discovered more about their identities later than expected.

Each day I become more accepting of the idea that change is possible and even expected, and I feel more and more okay with throwing the weird life rule book into the water. I was losing myself so much by trying to stick to it, but now I know I don’t have to do that any longer. I’ve had a lot lately going on outside of all of this, but the moments I can reflect on it get easier each time. My self-acceptance grows stronger each time. It’s still extremely hard some days, but I don’t fear it so much anymore.

[potentiallypolyglot]

Career Change Update #2

Alright, it’s been another two weeks so I’ve told a lot of important people in my life the plan and made some changes.

I told a few friends 1-1 to practice and was met with a lot of support and positive reception. They are sad that I’d be gone for a while, but they all thought it was really fitting for me and thought I would do well. Told my parents and siblings who were also supportive although also sad that I’ll be gone for sometime. Definitely worries my mom but not enough to try to hold me back. Told my big group of friends and they had the same feelings. I was really touched by the support and encouragement.

Importantly, one of the friends I informed is Chinese and she was able to share some good perspective and insight. She is very practical and methodical, and she suggested I work to put something more concrete on my resume during my experience in China. She suggested either getting a Master’s degree or trying to get a job working abroad. I don’t feel super confident that I’d get the type of experience I want abroad if I were working a job. Esp bc I don’t speak Chinese now so I likely would spend most of my days speaking English (this was also an objection she had to the idea of me teaching English).

So at this time, I’ve decided to pursue the idea of getting a Master’s in Translation. Then, I’d be able to enter my new career with some level of training and certification. As I understand, since I’d be studying in China, their program would primarily focus on English->Chinese translation, but I believe there will be enough crossover to justify it. Plus, I imagine, I’d be able to find a lot of common ground with the other translation students. I hope we’d be able to meet in the middle and consequently aid one another in our mutual pursuit of understanding each others’ language better.

The universities I am most seriously considering are East China Normal University and Shanghai Jiao Tong University. Both universities have Master’s programs in translation, decent information available on their website, very good reputations, and are located in Shanghai. Costs for these programs are also much cheaper than in the States and both have really good government scholarships available. They don’t seem to have specific parameters for what type of students they award the scholarship to, aside from being healthy and not having a criminal record. I had decent grades in college so hopefully that will help. I plan to apply for the Fall 2024 semester so I’m also thinking they may still(?) be low(?) on applications but that’s complete guessing.

My friend’s parents live in a smaller city in northern China and are very willing and excited to potentially host me. As a result, my friend has been suggesting that I apply to a university in their city (limited options and I don’t think they have my major) or in Beijing, which is only a few hours away so I could visit them often. And as nice as that is, part of this adventure is strongly rooted in not being around people I know or feel responsibility towards. I love the people I’m around and my friends parents seem super cool, but these are the kinds of things that would just sit in the back of my head and weigh me down a bit I think. Maybe not, but I think this is something I want to do very much on my own. At least in terms of my living situation? Maybe it doesn’t make sense but it’s how I feel. (See last full paragraph at the end for more details)

Also Shanghai just seems cooler than Beijing. If being a translator doesn’t work out, I could then get a job as a representative or liaison for a company and my feeling is that Shanghai is more of an international business hub than Beijing, which feels like it might be more of a political hub (obviously?). Shanghai seems more of like a young people’s place with more cool things to do. Also it’s warmer which might be cool.

However some of the upsides to Shanghai might also be downsides. Since it is a very international city, my friend said that I might have difficulty practicing Chinese with people there. She said many people will speak English and very strongly want to practice their English with me rather than let me practice Chinese. I’m in support of balance and tradeoff, but it is important that I get to practice Chinese. She said she knows a lot of foreigners who have come to China and not learned Chinese. However, I feel that Beijing would be pretty much this same in this regard. Plus, in either place, my classes will be taught in Chinese so even if I speak some English in my day to day, the majority of my day will be in Chinese by necessity.

Secondly, while I really like the idea of a warmer climate, it makes me a little nervous. I’m from a temperate mountainous climate with all four seasons. This is a tiny concern compared to all other things, but I don’t want to be super uncomfortable in the environment if it’s sweltering hot and there are tons of mosquitos and bugs. Like, I know it’s more tropical, but is it going to be like Florida and super humid all the time? I’m sure I could adjust even if this were the case, but I would like to know.

I’ve begun to make more concrete preparations for the adventure as well. For one thing, I don’t speak Chinese well enough to take classes in it. (Especially since the entrance requirement is HSK 5 with a 210+ score or HSK 6 with a 180+ score.) Despite almost a year on Duolingo, I have only a few phrases in my repertoire. I’m not confident I could even pass HSK 1 at this point. Maybe, but probably not. And as inspired as I am, I know I cannot make all the progress I need to make on my own. So I signed up for a private tutoring course to learn Chinese with a native speaker and I have my first trial/evaluation class tomorrow, which I am excited for. If my Chinese still isn’t good enough in time (a very likely possibility), the Chinese government scholarship does offer a year of language learning at the university prior to beginning my studies. But I’d have to get the scholarship (probability unknown) and I’d have to be in China for 3 years rather than 2 (not a deal breaker and would be really cool, but longer than I’d liek to be away).

Lastly, I did end up telling my boss about my long term plan. He was very surprised and he wasn’t super pleased. However, he does want me to do what makes me happy. He was worried that my performance may decline since I’m not planning to be with them long-term anymore (esp. since I’m in leadership), but I know I need to work hard so I can get bonuses to pay for the upcoming adventure. We had a second conversation about my current position that didn’t go as well. Part of it was him trying to convince me that my current position could give me the things that I want in a career, and we could make some changes to get that desired result. And part of me believed it for a bit. But then I went back to work today and was reminded of how I feel while I’m at work.

I feel like I’ve perfected energy management in being able to put on a happy and excited face when I need to run meetings. I even got some personal bad news this morning and still ran good meetings today, despite being low on sleep and having travelled all yesterday. But that doesn’t mean I don’t dread the meetings beforehand and feel even more drained afterward. I’ll even say that it was a bit of a rude awakening for me to realize that my sincerity and energy in my meetings and conversations hasn’t really changed even since I’ve made these career change plans. It’s making me question whether I was ever really excited about what I do.

A lot of the things I’ve done in my life up to this point were determined by what “made sense” or even what my friends were doing. I chose the college I went to because I was familiar with it and because my brother and my friends were going there. I didn’t really have a plan past wanting to go to college. I studied international business it required me to study abroad. I did not pursue linguistics because that school didn’t offer it and I didn’t want to do go to grad school (lol). I took my current job because I’d been working with them throughout college, and they offered me a full time job. 

I’ve taken a lot of pride and maybe put too much of my identity in being a good friend. Now, a several of my close friends are married or hang out for “guys night” and so I find myself a little bit alone. I’m still very grateful to have the friends I have, but since they rely on me less, I spend less time with them. Ultimately, I think this is a good thing because now I need to make my own decisions without regard for what others are doing. And I’m excited to work on things that I have a genuine passion for so I can be genuinely excited when I share my life and experiences with them.

Really long post so it’s mostly public journaling/void screaming, but I’ve organized some questions in case anyone made it to the end and has insight or encouragement to share. Might make a separate shorter post for these questions later.

1.) Any opinions/insight on East China Normal University or Shanghai Jiao Tong University? 2.) Opinions/insight on cultural experience of Beijing vs Shanghai? 3.)  Do you think people will be willing to talk to me in Chinese? (Beijing or Shanghai) 4.) Opinions/insight on Shanghai climate? 5.) Insight on applying to Chinese universities or scholarships? 6.) General insight on going to grad school? (bonus points if it was a foreign esp, Chinese grad school, but I’m open to any and all insights) 7.) Insight on studying translation/becoming a translator?

P.S. On an unrelated note, I’ve learned through some research and talking to another friend that some of the toilets in China are squat toilets. I just can’t figure out in my brain how this will work (as a girl) without making a huge mess. I’m sure I’ll be able to figure it out quickly through research (hopefully with trial and no errors). Obviously, many cultures have been doing this for a long time, and I’m actually pretty sure it’s healthier for you that sitting toilets. I just wanted to add this silly comment at the end so that I can look back and laugh about how silly my apprehensions were.

[taegularities]

ah Rid Rid Rid i missed you 😭🧡 there's so much i wanna cover, i tried do catch up on all you've been up to and my god honey i'm so sorry that you were feeling down 🫂 it's absolutely okay and understandable because tumblr is not the same, engagement is not the same and it does get lonely here, i wish you wouldn't have to encourage anyone to give feedback for what you post, for teasers or ideas but i'm really hoping that it did and does help 🥺 I AM ABSOLUTELY 100000% EXCITED FOR CMI AND YOUR WIPS, there're so many times throughout each day when i think about you and your stories and lately cmi has been really occupying my thoughts bc i try to imagine what's gonna happen 🥹

and happy birthday to taegularities 🧡🎉💫 i'm so amazed that you've done so much, wrote so many stories and have this community here, love, you deserve a huge applause for those 2 years and i wish you all the years to come (as many as you want) to be happy, colourful, full of lovely messages and feedbacks, and the least lonely, like at all 🫂 I CAN'T REMEMBER EXACTLY IF I FOLLOWED YOU AFTER READING JUST CHANGES IN BETWEEN OR RIGHT AMOUNT OF WRONGS TOO but i felt so much in my heart, i was hit instantly with this sense that my heart knows your type of storytelling as if it was my own thought, emotion, i'd never felt this much connection with any writing ever before and i instantly followed you, i knew i had to eat up every word you'd written and i'm on this journey ever since, following taegularities back then was the best i could've done on tumblr but months later i set up this new blog and decided to show myself to you and it's the close 2nd place 🥹 as for many it took a lot of courage but you know it already i adore you and you're so amazing and lovely and so worth leaving the comfort zone to be able to show you the appreciation and love we have for you 🧡

ah godddd with that being said i'm so so sorry that i've been mia so much, and not responsive to what you've been putting up, i have to catch up on the 2nd cmi teaser and i'm waiting for a better time to write you a feedback of silk&stones that it deserves BC IT DESERVES A LOT OF AMAZING WORDS 😭 it's just a rough time for me in every aspect bc i'm moving this week (and i always hate doing that) and i'm managing my last days here with my mum that i love dearly, andd.. i'm gonna start a new job that i got, in a week and a half... it's not exactly in a place that i've wanted but it is the new profession that i said i wanted, so i'm excited that i can start working in that new field and learn and maybe later end up in a place that i'd want 🙏 but i'm also extremely nervous bc it's very new and not what i've studied for all those years 😂 so i'm just very overwhelmed but i know that i will come back as much as possible and try to be active (lowkey i'm checking if you're alive daily 🫶) and catch up and also be here to support you 🧡

I'M ABSOLUTELY NOT GOING ANYWHERE

so sorry for this being so long to everyone, love you Rid so so much 🧡 i missed you really, how's the situation with your new job? and how're THE DATES??? I'M SO NOSY AM I NOT 😈

C! HI, I MISSED YOU, TOO !!!!! ahhh, thank you 🫂 things (not just on tumblr, but irl, too) are still not the way they should be, but i've decided to not be too negative about everything and just vibe. i want to show y'all my best side, but i'll still always be honest about everything. i've also been talking to my mom a lot and doing stuff irl, so that helps a bit. you do so much for me, though, c !! i'm so so thankful for every message, every review and every lovely comment from you. and i know how much you love cmi, so that's definitely inspiring and helpful when i lose faith in myself or my writing 🥺

gosh, yes happy birthday to taegularities 😭 !! i'm genuinely so thankful for this lovely community... i don't think i'd still be here without you guys <3 so thank you. and gosh, whether you came after cib or raow, i'm just so damn thankful that you're here. your presence has been a great comfort. i'm worth leaving the comfort zone? i'm so so happy to hear that, and so happy i can provide such a safe space for you 🥺

and don't apologise about being mia at all !!! god, you've been doing so much, i'm so proud of you for powering through it all. a new place to live, a new job, are you kidding, that's amazing !!! please take your time with the teaser, feedback or any writing at all, you sound hella busy 🥺 i hope you get to relax properly very soon, and that you rest and hydrate enough. manifesting a good time at your job and an even better place later on !! thank you for checking on me btw 😭 i'm, surprisingly, still alive :') </3

my new job is probably going to start in april! i sent an email accepting it just today, so i'll see how that pans out. and the dates ugh. we went iceskating last week and it was genuinely beautiful. but rn, tbh... we're on a break, and not really talking to each other, bc he said a few things that don't align with my thinking and mentality at all, so... no particular updates so far. i'll let you know what happens in the future, though :') i love you, dearest c <333

[compassionatereminders]

Hi sorry for the long ask. i think i might have depression or something. I just feel like im always looking at people through some kind of mask, idk. Like i dont fit in anywhere. And sure at work that might just be normal for me bc ive always been a bit different than everyone else but i also feel like i have to pretend to be someone im not even with my best friend. Im just very low on energy all the time. I used to like art i think? I dont even remember if i actually liked it or just pretend i like it. Right now i feel like ive just been saying i like art because it's always been like that but do i really still like it? I sometimes dont draw for months. I feel like im not good enough at work, im a graphic designer but im not creative at all and im being compared to my coworker by my boss and it sucks. I just started my job 2 months ago but i already want to quit but i dont know what else i want to do. The only thing im maybe a bit decent and interested in is design and art even though i dont know if i even like it or if i just pretended to like it for too long that i dont know the difference anymore. On top of this my dad is sick and its incurable and he's literally gonna die soon and he's too young to die.

I just feel like something is wrong with me, at this point im hoping something is wrong with me so it can be fixed. I dont want this to just be my personality. But i dont really want to seek professional help because i dont want my mom to worry. There's so much going on for her already, im the person she depends on the most right now and i dont want to make this more difficult. And of course i also feel like its not bad enough to really count as any mental illness or something. I mean it's not that bad, it might just the the winter season that's making me sadder than usual. And the entire situation im in. And also the fact that i just dont know what i want regarding my job. So its not that weird that im low on energy and i dont want to draw something for my friend that he asked for even though i have 4 days in the week i dont have to work. But i dont draw on those days, i only watch series all day. In the morning i lie down on the couch and in the evening i get up to go back to bed and that was my entire day yesterday and Wednesday. Just no motivation to do anything fun other than this.

You dont have to diagnose me or anything but any personal thoughts on this?

Btw i started following your blog because somewhere last year when i could feel myself just needing some encouragement and positivity. The posts really did cheer me up a little for a while.

While I won't try to diagnose you, it does sound like you are genuinely struggling - and even if this does not qualify as mental illness, that should not prevent you from seeking help and answers. Because the earlier you reach out for support, the better are your odds of avoiding a severe mental health episode. And it's better to worry your mom a bit to get better than to bottle all of this up until it reaches the point of no return. Because you're right that something is going on here. And even if you aren't mentally ill, losing a parent is by itself a major life crisis and a very good reason to seek out therapy and support