#bc more and more it seems to be an unacceptable stance

[shinjaeha]

bad buddy ep 8 (thoughts)

so this ep really took us for a ride. i’m still reeling over the end of the ep even though i had a feeling that something like that was going to go down (though maybe not as publicly as what actually happened...). i have so many thoughts and questions...but most of them prob won’t end up being answered until at least next ep.

i think we’ll really have to strap ourselves in for a bumpy ride from hereon in, but FIRST let’s talk about all the things i loved about this ep as usual :)

as fun as last ep was, nothing beats seeing them as ACTUAL boyfriends and the domesticity that comes with that :’) they’re so CUTE i can’t stand them omg. pat making pran breakfast in bed!!!!!!!! i love the little details like the pics/post its on pran’s wall, or their uniforms hanging on the hooks in his room together. the ketchup kiss was so adorable (esp knowing that that was improv on nanon’s part and ohm’s reaction was very real 😂). it’s just so sweet to me that pran can be as playful as he wants with pat now (at least when they’re alone). he’s spent his whole life repressing all these feelings, but now he has the chance to actually indulge and fully be himself around the boy that he’s been in love with for years. you can already see how different he is from previous eps when he was more closed off. he doesn’t have to be like that around pat anymore bc they’ve laid all their cards on the table. they’re BOYFRIENDS now and i’ll never get sick of saying that!!

something i really like about this show is, even though there’s obviously an overarching narrative throughout, it feels episodic bc many of the conflicts they deal with are introduced and resolved in a single episode (and sometimes another conflict is introduced at the end of the ep). like last episode, it was the challenge and who would cave first (resolved at the end when they both become boyfriends). this ep, it’s the struggle of having to keep their secret relationship under wraps, whilst also dealing with their differing personalities and stances within their relationship. this is a fairly common and realistic thing for people in same sex relationships to have to deal with, but it’s obviously more complicated for pat and pran given the situation with their friends and family. as we’ve already seen, pran’s friends and family seem very accepting of whatever he chooses to identify as, so i feel like it’s fair to assume that pran’s as scared as he is to reveal their relationship not bc he likes a guy, but bc that guy is PAT. he’s also experienced firsthand how unaccepting his parents have been about him just being in the same band as pat before (let alone boyfriends) so he has a very valid reason to be as scared as he is.

the hand holding scene is SO sweet bc although pran pulled away initially (and pat was super understanding about it), he couldn’t even bear pat being sad for a moment longer and gave in almost immediately. it’s the little concessions they make for one another that i’m absolutely in love with. just these little things they do to make one another smile bc they know it means a lot to the other.

paa with her arms around the both of them as they held hands behind her back made me weep THEY’RE SO ADORABLE...i’ve watched this scene way too many times to count at this point.

literally this whole rehearsal scene i just felt bad for toto 😂 no idea how he was able to make them get anything done in the end. but also, watching this back, how DIDN’T he know there was something going on with them bc they weren’t even a little bit subtle. just constantly flirting on that stage.

inkpaa!!!!!!!!! i love that paa’s the one always knocking some kind of sense into her brother, but the second she’s with ink she becomes this cute, bumbling mess. and you can tell that ink finds it so endearing. wai though...that’s a no from me :/ it’s so funny to me how ink keeps shooing away all these boys buzzing around paa like their flies...she was NOT here for wai’s interrogation whatsoever.

omg so i full on burst out laughing the moment i heard the sizzy song and saw pat doing the moves in his car (love score has been and always will be a certified BOP). even better when pat starting rapping nanon’s part with the moves bc YOU KNOW that ohm had a great time with that and that pran’s reaction was really just 100% nanon being embarrassed haha.

i was having fun laughing along and then they hit us with whoever it was that saw them in the car...and i will circle back to this again at the end of this post bc i have MANY thoughts about this...

anyway, this is a great ep for us inkpaa stans :) paa continues to be the clumsiest person on earth, but she’s so SOFT around ink. if i were ink, i would be totally enamoured too. interesting how she paid attention to what pat supposedly said about how much paa likes shrimp (and peeling them for her!!!!!)...and their cute little ~moment!! i love them ;;;

i like how the scene right after this is pat and pran’s rooftop dinner date. it’s a great contrast. the rooftop is obviously a special place for them, but i love that this is the first time that we’ve seen them on it when the sun’s still up (now that they’re both awakened to their feelings for each other). it’s lovely, but there’s still that underlying sadness there that they can’t date each other in public (or just hang out in general) the way that pat sees ink and paa doing on their hotpot date. this is clearly something that’s quite difficult for pat esp to deal with since he’s the type of person that WANTS to show off who he’s dating/that he’s taken. i just really love how pran can see how much it affects pat and quickly tries to cheer him up. they’re stuck being a rock and a hard place, but they’re both so understanding of one another as they’re able to see things from the other’s perspective.

pat’s ig posts remind me of how jealous he was when he saw that ig story of pran and wai drunk at the bar together. and even that ig story he just saw of paa with ink. THAT’S what he wants...to be able to post freely about his boyfriend, but he can’t do that. so he settles for these cryptic shots relating to pran bc he needs an outlet of sorts. he’s never been able to suppress his feelings in the same way that pran can bc that’s just not how he deals with things. on the other hand, pran’s just a lot more private in general. and he’s understandably worried that someone might be able to link all these posts to him, so he can’t help but panic on reflex when pat teases him with the kiss (even though logically i’m sure he knows pat would never post something that obvious without his express consent). either way, it broke my heart a little that they’ve been forced into this situation where they have to hide their love like this.

pran trying to make it up to pat with all those little post it notes (and the toilet paper)...MY POOR HEART CAN’T TAKE THIS. pran using his love of smiley faces to make pat smile too!! they really, really just can’t stand to see the other sad at all. honestly, this is the type of cute, domestic relationship stuff that we tend to miss when couples only get together at the end of a drama. i LOVE that we’ve gotten to see their dynamic morph from their playful ‘not friends’ bickering at the start, to them still playfully bickering, but being in an established relationship now. how could you stay sulky after that :’) impossible.

every single one of their friends are so dense it would almost be sad if it didn’t makes it that much easier for them to hide their relationship, i guess 😭

the way we go from pat being sulky to pran being sulky though. but you can already see how the conflict will start ramping up more and more from here as pran gets more paranoid about pat’s posts (esp as they get more daring). that being said, it’s so endearing to see the different methods the both of them use to cheer the other up. they hate seeing each other sad, and they can’t stay mad at each other for very long either.

the line reading back hug scene though!!!!! no matter how many times i’ve seen it, i can never stop smiling during it. it’s just so damn adorable. poor pran squirming in pat’s arms as he reads his lines ahhh...again, how could you stay sulky after that...there’s just no way. also, the behind the scenes for this particular scene was so CUTE...nanon was really going through it omg 😂

it’s so weird to me how obsessed wai is with paa when he literally only talked to her like that ONE time they bumped into each other (and almost fought her before he saw her)?? and then wanting to fight pat when he thought paa was his girlfriend?? this boy doesn’t need a love interest, he needs anger management classes...

not how wai called pran dramatic in ep 6 when HE’S being as dramatic as he is. pran using wai/paa for his monologue on why his relationship with pat is so exhausting bc of all the hiding :((( pran tends to do this a lot. confide in his friends SOME of his feelings (without them really realising), but never telling them the whole truth. pat is the only person he ever tells everything to, but pat is also the one who’s the most patient and perceptive of pran’s feelings when he’s not saying what he means.

i have more to say about wai’s involvement in all this, but i’ll leave that until the end...

pat’s argument with his dad absolutely broke my heart. pat is such an interesting character to me bc on the surface he seems easygoing and carefree. he’s honest and wears his heart on his sleeve. but there’s also a lot more bubbling under the surface with him. and we’ve gotten to see more and more of this with each new ep.

originally, i thought that pat had more freedom than pran (even pran mentioned that pat’s family was more ‘flexible’ than his own), but i think i might have been wrong on that front. pat SEEMS like he has more freedom than pran, but it’s bc he’s always followed the path that his dad has set for him. his dad is constantly talking about his own reputation and how he needs pat to uphold it, and so far, that’s what pat’s been doing. up until this point he’s been the ‘perfect son’. he’s always been involved in the things that his dad WANTS him to be involved in and has been rewarded for it (eg. the drum set, the car). he’s living out his dad’s dreams. but by participating in the architecture play, he’s deviating off this set path that’s been laid out for him by his dad. i hate parents like this. they want to live vicariously through their children instead of acknowledging that their children are their own individual people with their own interests and wants in life.

it’s interesting when he says that he doesn’t intervene in pat’s life much when truthfully he does seem to be keeping pretty close tabs on what his son has been doing. in ep 2, he goes to pat’s dorm and pokes around his room, then tells pat that one of pat’s professors was his senior in school. he’s there during the bus stop opening, and again when pat was talking to pran’s mum. and now he knows about pat skipping rugby practice. all of this could just be him being a supportive parent, sure, but looking at if from this context...it does feel a lot more controlling than it appears on the surface. esp given how his father’s acting towards him now just bc pat is in a university PLAY. maybe he skipped some rugby practices, but he’s STILL on the team. he’s still doing what his father wants of him...only he’s doing something else HE wants on top of that.

i think what really gets to me is just how torn up pat is about disappointing his father like this. he very clearly looks up to and respects his father a lot, and he SO wants his father to be proud of him :( like he couldn’t even outright say that he didn’t want to play rugby last ep...he just kept saying he was too lazy, even when paa pressed him on why he was going for tryouts when he didn’t even want to play anymore. he’s followed his dad’s footsteps for so long, that now that he’s taken his own steps, his dad has intervened in a way that he’s never outright done before...and it’s really shaken pat. i get the feeling that pat might never have realised just how much he needed his father’s approval until this moment (since his priorities have always aligned with what was expected of him by his dad). this is the first time that this hasn’t been the case, which explains why it’s so crushing for him. he feels like he’s letting his dad down for the first time in his life. i just want to hug him :(((

i feel like this scene also lays the groundwork for how pat’s dad is going to react once he finds out about pat and pran’s relationship (esp if he’s already blowing up at pat for being in a PLAY). it’s not boding well for them...but i think we all knew that :/

OF COURSE the first person he thinks of calling is pran...he’s the only person in the world that can give him the comfort he needs. the only person that will understand. i read another post somewhere that basically said that the love that pat and pran’s friends and family have for each of them come with conditions/expectations, but the love they have for each other is unconditional bc they love each other for who they actually ARE and not what they expect from each other, and i just thought that was so beautiful and true ;;; they’re each other’s safe zones.

something i adore about this scene is how pat always come across as super confident and sure of himself, but when he calls pran up and hears that he’s out drinking, he seems to get kind of insecure in that moment. like he doesn’t want to burden pran with his problems/feelings (esp when he’s out having a good time). this is a pretty relatable feeling to have when you’re in a new relationship too. you just don’t want to come across as too much so you end up keeping things to yourself. i just like seeing this more vulnerable side of pat. that he’s not always confident all of the time.

but i also love that pran just knew something was up from the tone of pat’s voice and rushed back home to comfort him. this was actually my fave thing about this whole ep. in previous eps, it was mostly pat that was the one to come over and comfort/cheer pran up...we see so much of pran doing this for pat this ep, and it makes their relationship feel much more balanced and reciprocal.

pran presses a little bit bc he knows that pat’s upset about something, and pat folds immediately which is just so in line with his personality. he can try, but he’s just not the type to hold his emotions in like that. he’s way too communicative, and never wants things to be lost in translation. it’s so consistent with his character and what he previously said in ep 6 (”if you don’t say it, how will i figure it out? how can i possibly understand you?”).

THE BALCONY SCENE!!!!!!!!!! i. can’t. stop. smiling. pran being all cute and trying to make pat happy just shows how comfortable and stable he feels in their relationship now (he would never have done this before they became official). he just wants to make pat feel how pat makes HIM feel...wants to make him smile too. it’s always been really evident how much pat loves pran bc he’s not subtle about it at all. he conveys so much of his love in grand gestures. pran might be more quiet about it, but things like this really prove how much pran loves pat too. it’s just so cute seeing pran be silly and playful in order to make pat laugh. they’re both so madly in love with each other. i’m glad that pat gets to sniff pran’s shirt as much as he wants now too :’)

this is just my head canon, but i feel like pat specifically got pran the earphone bag with their initials on it bc he knows how much pran likes things with the first letter of his name on them (his bag, the giant ‘p’ light in his room)...and idk i just think that’s adorable.

oh god, the montage with kacha’s ost!!!!!!!!!!!! they’re both so gone for one another (and i’m gone for them). at least they gave us a giant slice of happiness before everything came crashing down...

pran’s anxiety about people finding out about their relationship when he heard his classmates talking about it...we knew it was coming bc it’s been building up but still :((( their fight hurt to watch.

i think this drama does a really good job of making us feel for BOTH pat and pran. it’s easy to empathise with either side as both their feelings are absolutely valid, and that’s why it hurts so much. their conflicting feelings in this ep remind me a lot of the ep 5 kiss. since pat’s living in the present, he wants to be loud and proud about the boy he’s in love with, but pran’s paranoid and worried about their future...so he lashes out and panics as soon as he realises that people could potentially be putting the pieces together through pat’s ig that they’re together.

okay but ohm’s acting in the xylophone scene!!!!!!!!! outsold!!!!!!!! gave me goosebumps and everything 😭 i really love that they didn’t use a score here...it was pure xylophone. they just let pat play out the anger he was feeling. art reflecting life. it made this scene so much more effective imo.

pran watching in the audience and thinking back to the history of their entire romance up until this point while pat played...then pat looking up at him with those eyes, so angry, and pran thinking back to what a huge thing it was that pat did for him (taking on the role of riam), making him reflect on how he shouldn’t have blown up at pat like that before walking away. ouch.

and the clarity in pat’s eyes. how he goes from furious to realisation to regret as he remembers the shirt and what it means to him (how much pran means to him). the way the fury in his eyes just dissipates like that as his xylophone playing simmers down to a stop. i just really, really love this scene so much. it says so much without any words at all.

THEIR APOLOGIES TO ONE ANOTHER. they REALLY can’t stay mad at each other for too long ;;; i love that they both knew exactly what they were apologising for, admitted their faults, and just realised that their anger wasn’t worth it in the end. they’re competitive, but they’ve never been too stubborn to admit when they’ve been in the wrong. this is what a loving relationship is. can’t believe pat and pran invented romance AND healthy relationships :’)))

the communication between the two is just soooooo incredibly refreshing and satisfying to see. but the way they compromise with one another is just as important. pat wants to tell the world that he’s taken, but as always, he takes into account pran’s feelings above his own (only posts cryptically, tells pran that he’ll stop posting if it’s what he wants). pran is terrified about anyone finding out about them, but he can also see how much it hurts pat having to keep their relationship a secret...he can see how stifling it is for him, so even though he’s scared...he still takes these baby steps forward (holding pat’s hand, letting him post vague posts alluding to them on ig, the hand holding pic) bc he knows how much that means to pat. they put each other first in so many ways. constantly make an effort to adjust to the needs and wants of the other. genuinely care about and want one another to be happy. if that’s not true love, i don’t know what is.

i also like that while it was pran that needed assurance in previous eps, it’s pat that needed more of it in this ep. i feel like that’s partially the reason he kept posting about them on social media. although pran shows his love in actions (acts of service), he’s not very vocal when it comes to how he feels. i really think pat needed to hear it from pran’s mouth himself, so when he says “just because i’m not telling people doesn’t mean i don’t like you” and admits to being pat’s boyfriend (which he’s never really said properly before), it provides pat with the assurance and security he needs...bc it’s one thing knowing someone loves you/thinks about you in a certain way, but it’s another thing hearing the person that you love say the words out loud like that.

OKAY. so now let’s talk about the big reveal. it was always coming but...it really had to be in the most dramatic and revealing way ever huh.

so there’s a lot of speculation that it was wai that revealed them (possibly turned up the mic on stage/dropped the curtain)...and he does seem like the most likely candidate seeing the way he was overseeing them in the sound booth...like they were just puppets on his stage. he, at the very least, most DEFINITELY heard everything from the look on his face. i know one of the screenwriters tweeted about it too before deleting their tweet. it would also fit with the more villainous trajectory of his character development seeing as how he’s been racking up the red flags for awhile now (and esp since last ep). i’m sure he’s also angry at pran for telling him to give up on paa when pran’s been secretly dating pat this whole time.

what i’m having trouble fitting with the narrative though is, if he really was the one that saw them in the car, does that mean he was acting the entire time he went drinking with pran?? he knew the whole time but was just waiting to reveal it?? i know that wai’s pretty manipulative, but that’s plain diabolical. that’s so much more deliberate (and evil) than if he’d just found out at the theatre and revealed them impulsively...also imo it would have made more sense for him to have confronted pran immediately after seeing him in the car bc that seems more in line with his personality. since he’s the type to act first, think later.

unless he just saw pran get in the car and didn’t know who it was with?? so he went drinking with him to try to figure things out, maybe saw that the phone call pran received wasn’t from his mum, but still wasn’t able to quite pinpoint who pran was being so secretive about until seeing/hearing the two of them in the theatre (and then exposing them in an impulsive fit of anger).

or maybe someone else entirely saw them in the car?? ngl at first i thought korn...like why was he in the theatre in the first place? but then he didn’t seem very sus when they were teasing pat about dating an architecture ‘girl’ so...who knows. i guess we’ll only get answers with ep 9.

either way, what happened to them made my heart stop :( i’m so upset for the both of them that it had to happen like this. and i know their friends are gonna make this REAL hard for them next ep, but i hope they can power through everything together as they’ve been doing so far.

bless ink :’) and i know that the preview has paa looking kind of shady, but i do think she’ll come around. she’s grown up in the same heteronormative environment that pat has...she’s likely never even thought about her brother liking another boy (let alone PRAN) in that way so it might take her some time to adjust. esp given their family histories. and who knows, it might also make her question her own feelings and admiration for ink in more detail...js.

anyway, i do think we’ll get a resolution for the friend drama by the end of ep 9 (since that’ll be their main conflict next ep). they’ll prob have to wrap it up by the end so they can get to the family drama, which is likely going to be a thousand times worse... :/// i’m so worried for them but so invested...here’s hoping we’re all able to get through this storm okay. i just want them to be happy together, that’s it!!!!!

[zoryany]

@kaitodetective1412 sent me 45 -- You may technically be an adult, but you’re still my child.

(an anon did as well and I do plan to answer both in different ways and I will tag kaito in the anon answer as well bc I feel like this isn’t what either of you wanted but it’s what you’re gonna get, for now)

Imperial Royal Skywalker Family AU Pt 1 || Pt 2

send me ficlet prompts – optionally include characters

Dessert passed in relative silence, the atmosphere in the dining room having grown decidedly tense. Luke had really been hoping he could have delayed Han meeting his father until after he’d spoken to his parents, but the Force seemed to be set on toying with him. At least Mother had been able to placate Father before he’d done anything rash, but Luke wasn’t sure that had been entirely preferable, either.

When they’d all finished, Luke moved to usher Han back to his suite, but his mother raised her hand before he had the chance to even rise from his chair. “Leia? Sweetheart, can you please escort Captain Solo to his rooms while your father and I talk to Luke?”

“Yes, Mother.” Leia looked as though she would rather swallow a bantha whole, but she knew better than to argue with their mother, especially when she was already in a dangerous enough mood. She was also probably hoping she’d get to be in on the whole conversation that was to come, which added to her disappointment. Not that it mattered, anyways, because one way or another, she would know exactly what was said, but her expression and presence in the Force soured significantly as she turned her gaze to Han. “Let’s go, Captain. I don’t have all night.”

Han threw a final, withering look over his shoulder as Leia led him from the room, leaving Luke alone with his mother at last. With a severe expression, she turned to face him, and Luke felt his stomach drop out from under him. Out of the eyes of company, it was entirely clear just how upset she really was. All of the guilt that had been eating at him for the past weeks rose back up in him all at once.

“Come, dear,” said his mother as she stood. “Let’s not keep your father waiting.”

Hanging his head, Luke followed his mother with heavy steps to his father’s study. Unlike the rooms of the Palace occupied largely by the Empress, Darth Vader’s spaces, both planetside and on his flagship, tended to be dim and spartan, possessing little in the way of embellishments. He claimed it as practicality -- and, on most occasions, Luke would agree with that -- but right about now, he was convinced that it was meant to make facing him all that more intimidating.

Luke had never been afraid of his father. He understood why people were, and why they should be, and he was all too aware of what someone as powerful as Darth Vader was capable of, but he’d never feared him. His father would never hurt him or Leia, especially not with Mother around to rein in his temper, but there was always a certain anxiety that overtook him whenever his father was angry. He hated the feeling, the sudden urge to cower in submission before a man he’d idolized all his life and who loved him deeply. Leia had always been better than Luke at standing strong in the face of his emotions, perhaps because she had never felt the same level of hero-worship towards him, but Luke was finding himself longing for some of her strength right about now.

His father had been pacing the length of the room when they’d arrived, but the moment they crossed the threshold, he stopped in his tracks and whirled around. The movement was so abrupt that most would assume that kind of speed impossible from a man as large as Vader, but he moved quick enough to send his cape billowing behind him. “Sit,” he commanded, pointing to a chair in the centre of the room.

As he complied, his mother walked to stand to the right of her husband, both parents folding their arms across their chests. His cheeks burned in shame as he avoided looking directly at them. How was it that they could so easily make him feel like he was five years old again?

“You know why you are here, son.” The modulated voice carried a tranquil rage, one that affected him far more than being shouted at ever would. “Explain.”

‘You can do this, Luke,’ he thought silently, sucking in a shuddering breath in an attempt to steady himself. ‘You’ve been practicing this speech in your head since you left.’

"I -- I can’t apologize enough for leaving without warning like that. I know I put you through needless worry, and I’m sure that nothing I can do will make up for that. I just... needed to get away.” Stars, it sounded even lamer saying it out loud than it did in his head. Neither parent looked pleased. He pressed on. “You know I’ve never really liked -- never really been comfortable with any of... well, our status.” Once again, he was jealous of Leia. She wouldn’t be stumbling over her words like this. “I’ve never liked being the Prince, never really liked making public appearances. Never been good at them, either. Leia’s always been better suited for it. And after twenty years of it, I was feeling... claustrophobic. I needed some freedom.”

“Freedom?” It had always been a touchy subject for his father, Luke knew, but he had to hope he could use that to his advantage. “As the Imperial Prince, you have been granted every want, every desire you could hope for. Your mother and I fought tirelessly, made endless sacrifices to create this life for you and your sister. There has never been more freedom in the galaxy, and you stand at the head of it all.”

Was his father being serious? “You... actually expect me to believe that being rich and powerful is the same as being free?” But then, of course his father did. “Maybe you just don’t realize this gilded cage you’ve put me in, Father. I can’t go anywhere beyond our private quarters without an excessive number of guards accompanying me. You and mother have to be aware of my location at every given moment. I’m not allowed to fly or talk to people or do anything without express permission! It’s suffocating! It’s -- ”

“For your safety,” his father growled, hands falling from his chest to form clenched fists at his sides. Next to him, his mother tensed slightly, pursing her lips, but she did nothing more than focus on watching him just a bit more closely. “Everything I have ever done has been to keep you and your mother and your sister safe. The life we live has come at a great cost, and I will not see you throw it all away out of some foolish rebellion. If something would have happened to you -- ”

“But it didn’t!” Luke cried, his voice pitching upward. Any fear or anxiety he’d been feeling had evaporated, and he was prepared to staunchly defend himself. He was not an idiot. He knew exactly how his parents would feel and how they would react to his departure. The decision he made was conscious and purposeful, and he had every intention of justifying it. “I can take care of myself, you know. All that training hasn’t been for nothing. I was careful. I took every precaution. And I’m twenty years old, now, I’m not a little kid anymore.”

While his mother’s face had relaxed a bit, his father did not appear to be convinced. “You may technically be an adult,” he said, slowly, “but you are still my child -- our child. I have torn down the galaxy once to protect you, and I would do it a thousand times over if it keeps you from harm.”

Letting out a noise of frustration, Luke leapt up from his seat. “But that’s just it! I know you have and I know that you were trying to do it again! Don’t think I didn’t notice the swath of destruction you left in your wake when you tried to track me down this time. It’s too much! I love you both so much, but I don’t want the galaxy to grind to a halt just because I ask for some time alone. I can’t stand all the attention, the pomp and circumstance that surrounds everything I do, the formality I’m forced to endure just to attend dinner! I just -- ” His voice broke, and he was embarrassed to find his eyes stinging as he looked imploringly at his parents. “All I wanted was a little bit of normalcy.”

Slumping back in his chair, Luke realized he may not have processed all of this quite as successfully as he’d initially thought. Running away, it turned out, had only served as a distraction from genuinely confronting what was really bothering him.

“Normalcy?” The vocoder’s tone was dull and flat, and his father seemed to have relaxed his stance, somewhat, almost in disbelief. “You wish to be ordinary? Like every other being in this galaxy?” Disbelief was evident, now. His father’s fists had uncurled, his shoulders slackened, and though he could not see his face, Luke got the impression of wide eyes and raised brows. “That... is unacceptable. You are the furthest thing from ordinary, son. You are above those lesser beings, and I would not see you receive anything less than you deserve. ”

"No,” Luke said, quietly but firmly, “I am not above them.” He’d spent countless hours in the Coruscant underground, on treks both known and unknown to his parents, and he’d spent several weeks touring the galaxy. He had interacted with their citizens on a regular basis, and he knew who they really were. They were people, beings with dreams and aspirations and ideals, and they were magnificent. “My abilities and my status don’t make me any better than anyone else. Aren’t we supposed to be ruling the galaxy for them?”

A stubborn set worked its way through his father’s frame, unyielding as ever. “We do. The galaxy has never fared better.” And he could not be certain if that was a truth or a lie, but his father certainly believed it. “But I cannot allow you to stoop to the level of those below your status. The future of our benevolent Empire rests upon you and your sister. You must maintain a particular image if you wish for your control over them to endure.”

“Are you not listening to me?” But Luke already knew the answer to that. Of course his father wasn’t listening to him. Anything that contradicted his very specific view of the universe rarely made it through. “I don’t want that power to rest on me! I’m not interested in having people grovel at my feet or flinch away from me in fear. I don’t want people to worship me or treat me like... like -- ”

“Royalty?” His father’s arms were folded across his chest again. “That is what you are.”

Luke was prepared to cut in, and his father looked like he had more to say, but before either of them could speak up again, his mother stepped up and placed a gentle hand on his father’s shoulder.

“Ani, wait.” Even after twenty years, Luke could still not believe just how quickly his father seemed to settle when his mother intervened. “I think I know what this is about.” His mother’s expression grew tender as she stepped towards him, crouching down before his chair and cupping his face in her hands. “Dearest,” she said with unparalleled tenderness, “was this because of your birthday?”

Reading the sympathy and understanding in his mother’s deep brown eyes, Luke found himself leaning into her touch. She was radiating compassion, searching for understanding, and Luke knew that this was the reason he’d always intended to return home when he’d left. His parents loved him. They cared for him. They wanted what was best for him, even if they didn’t know how to go about it. All he’d wanted was to do something on his own terms.

“Yes...”

Because his birthday had not been on his terms. It hadn’t been on Leia’s, either, but she could adapt to it much easier than her brother. He’d been overwhelmed, surrounded by sycophants who only wanted to know him because he was an heir, and his status meant that he could not enjoy even the smallest of pleasantries at a party that was meant to be for him and his twin. And then the scene during the speeches...

He’d never wanted to leave his family. Luke loved his mother, father and sister with his entire being. But their status had always weighed on him, and that night had been a breaking point.

“Oh, sweetheart...” His mother shifted her grip and pulled him close. Luke squeezed his eyes shut. Tears had been threatening to spring forth since he’d sat back down, and they ran freely down his cheeks when his mother’s arms enveloped him. “Why didn’t you say anything? We could have talked this out. You didn’t need to run away.”

At this point, his father had taken a single step forward, appearing somewhat hesitant but still refusing to relent. Luke chose to focus on his mother, and he found himself sinking in on himself even more. It felt nearly impossible to convey how he felt and what he wanted without hurting their feelings. His mother’s sympathetic gaze coupled with his father’s unyielding stance only served to elevate his guilt. 

But there was this sneaking feeling within him that the conversation his mother suggested wouldn’t have gone well regardless.

“I didn’t think you would listen to me,” he said quietly. “You’re still not really listening to me. I had to do something drastic. It felt like the only option, at the time, and I still feel like it’s not enough. Han makes me happy in a way that all that spectacle just - doesn’t. So I just - I need you to understand why - and I mean actually understand. Because I didn’t want to run. And I don’t want to do it again. But I can’t keep going like this...”

For a long moment, his mother looked at him with large, sad eyes before finally withdrawing her hands and stepping away. “Alright,” she said, a quiet resignation working its way into her voice. “I... don’t think we’ll get much further tonight. Why don’t you go wash up for bed, and your father and I will discuss what you’ve told us.” She pressed her lips together and gave him a long, steady look. “We want what’s best for you, Luke. Please know this.”

And he did. The trouble was, their idea of what was best for him didn’t always match up to his own.

“Luke.” His father seemed uncharacteristically hesitant. “Please do not resort to this again.”

There was more his father wanted to say - more they all wanted to say - but Luke felt satisfied that they had, at the very least, made some manner of progress tonight.

“I won’t, Father. I promise.”

[foyernormanchapel]

re: “it is also proof that style, that prose itself, can control morality.”

minimoonstar replied to your photo ““ Martin Amis, “Vladimir Nabokov and the Problem from Hell”

I think so; but “style” and “writer’s ability to hold and convey complex and nuanced ideas, including ethical ones” have a lot of Venn overlap. Ursula K Leguin wrote that she was cautious about writing essays bc she was used to going where fiction took her and that toolset applied to non-fiction could lead to a text that convincingly made arguments she didn’t want to make. If I think of e.g. fandom antis a lot of them are at an age where I myself had no experienced discernment re literary style.

(2/2) So limited ability to parse “this text makes me feel bad bc Problematic” vs “this text makes me feel bad bc the writer *wants* me to feel bad” vs “the writer wants me to feel good about a bad thing *and* be troubled by my own response” (a la Nabokov). Visual art is another dynamic, but I definitely think really good, mature fic writers don’t get called out for the content of their stories in isolation (as opposed to what they might post on social media, say).

gonna selfishly reblog this for me to keep forever cause it’s so good THANK YOU THANK YOU. that venn overlap definitely exists, and im curious whether there are any works in literary theory? literary criticism? aesthetics?? philosophy??? that deal with why and how that venn overlap exists... so if anyone has an idea where to look pls let me know!

+ just thinking to myself, i’ve recently come to watch some booktubers (ppl who  talk about books on youtube) bc listening to people rant about YA novels i’ll never read is super entertaining, and turns out a lot of these are comically bad. like think fifty shades in terms of both literary quality + and bad bdsm/dating/relationship messaging. like straightup an idiot oaf treating a girl horribly and the book saying that it’s lurve. and i thought if say 80% of a person’s literary history consists of YA novels like this, i could understand why they would eventually develop an anti mentality; read a lot of trashy books wt trashy messaging and that’s what you come to think works of fiction/authors in general are out to ‘do to you.’ i’m not saying that the current younger generation is reading more YA than previous generations, that is in no way a reasonable conjecture bc YA has been around forever, and even if they are reading more YA, that doesnt mean that their literary discernment would be any lacking compared to those who read more traditional lit..

but i couldn’t help but notice, a lot of YA novels exist in the venn overlap of bad style and bad ‘morality’, and a lot of YA readers (at least by looking at booktube) seem to come to develop a ‘depiction of abuse in fiction that is not outright condemnatory is unacceptable’ kind of stance (v reasonably & understandably) and im wondering whether that would have any effect on ppl developing anti mentality within fandom spaces

so yeah... just thinking aloud trying to understand where the anti trend is coming from but it could’ve been there since the 80s and im just noticing it now and being completely off the mark XD 

[askovertherainbowblog]

Bisexuals and Queer Youth in Canadian Classrooms

One of my guilty pleasures back in the day was the TV show, Glee. This TV show followed a group of students navigating the difficulties of high school with the support of a Glee club, kind of like a choir but nerdier. There were a few different depictions of queer youth in this TV show. In the earlier seasons I recall two prominent examples. The first was Kurt Hummel, a fashion-loving, musical-singing, stereotypical gay boy who was bullied by the popular kids. He was shoved against lockers and called names. He was one of the first members of the Glee club because he had nothing to lose: he was already unabashedly who he was. The other example was Santana Lopez who was a popular cheerleader and took much longer to come out. In contrast to Kurt Hummel she was the instigator of much of the bullying in the show. Among other queer characters, Brittany Pierce is another popular cheerleader and a bisexual girl. Brittany is casual and comfortable with her bisexuality and is romantically involved with Santana who struggles to accept her own lesbianism, despite her popularity and social dominance. These are common characterizations of young, queer TV characters. But do these characterizations represent the experience of queer youth in schools?

I was intrigued when I came across a 2011 report written by Canadian researchers about the experience of queer youth in Canadian schools. When reading the report, Every Class in Every School: Final Report on the First National Climate Survey on Homophobia, Biphobia and Transphobia in Canadian Schools I was originally intending to write a post on the sections that specifically addressed bisexual youth experience in Canadian schools. However, after reading the report I felt it would not be doing it justice to only address the sections discussing bisexuality. I wanted to bring to light some of the really interesting findings in their research and provide a wider context for any bisexual-specific sections.

The first thing that struck me was the impressively large scope of the project: both in number of individuals surveyed; the number of issues covered in the report; and the future implications. The survey included over 3700 students from across Canada. Responses were gathered from an open-access online survey as well as through in-school sessions with randomly selected school districts. (13) Issues addressed in the report include homophobic, transphobic, biphobic and sexist comments; verbal, physical, sexual and other harassment; distress experienced by students; feelings of safety based on different areas of the school building; predictors of school attachment; responses of teachers; students’ awareness of school’s anti-homophobia policies; inclusion of LGBTQ topics and individuals in curriculum; etc. The scope of this project is also captured in the title Every Class in Every School. I have heard previous estimates of the LGBTQ population put at less than 5% of the population. According to this study, and a similar large-scale study conducted in BC in 2007, the rate of students self-declaring as LGBTQ is 14%! (22) In other words, there are very few classes in Canada that don’t have an LGBTQ student in them. These issues impact far more Canadian youth than many previously thought.

Bisexual Youth

The title the authors originally chose for the study only named homophobia in schools. However, based on the findings that “school climates for bisexual and trans students are equally – and in some ways even more hostile,” they chose to change the title of the study to include biphobia and transphobia. (135) In a section entitled Bisexual Youth the authors reject the false assumption that “society in general tolerates lesbians more than gay males, and that being a lesbian or a bisexual female is even trendy” (25, 86) with some striking statistics. The authors highlighted responses separated by female bisexual, lesbian, male bisexual and gay youth respondents. Six out of eight of the measures indicated that on average female bisexual and lesbian youth, i.e. female sexual minority youth, are more vulnerable in school settings. Female sexual minorities had a higher rate of physical harassment about being LGBTQ; experiencing mean rumors or lies about being LGBTQ; feeling unsafe at school because of actual or perceived sexual orientation; feeling generally unsafe at school; not knowing anyone out as LGBTQ at school; and not knowing of any school staff members who are supportive of LGBTQ matters. Specifically, out of all four of these LGBTQ subgroups, female bisexual youth had the highest rate of physical harassment about being LGBTQ; experiencing mean rumors or lies about being LGBTQ; skipping school due to feeling unsafe; feeling generally unsafe at school; not knowing of anyone out as LGBTQ at school; and not knowing of any school staff members who are supportive of LGBTQ matters. It strikes me that the measures where bisexual females fare the worst can be some of the most invisible, for example having lies spread about you; feeling isolated because you don’t know other students or teachers who are out or supportive of LGBTQ; and skipping school. Sadly, the rates for vulnerable youth are not just marginally higher. Three out of 4 female bisexual youth feel unsafe at school compared to only 3.4% of non-LGBTQ respondents! (85) That is a huge gap. The picture painted here for bisexual youth and female sexual minorities is absolutely nothing like the portrayal in Glee. These lesbian and bisexual female youth were not cheerleaders, at the top of the social-food chain at school, reveling in the trendiness of their sexualities. Female-sexual minorities were actually far more at-risk than the average student, even the average LGBTQ student.

Other Vulnerable Groups

As mentioned, I would not do this report justice if I only discussed the findings relating to bisexual youth. I will also highlight trends with other LGBTQ or LGBTQ-associated respondents that I found notable:

·       Trans Youth – Reading the responses by trans youth was heartbreaking. Consider that 2 in 5 trans youth have been physically harassed or assaulted (!!) because of their gender expression (more than any other sexual minority or non-LGBTQ students); almost 8 out of 10 trans youth indicate feeling unsafe in some way at school (85)*; and 9 out of 10 of trans youth hear transphobic comments daily or weekly. (23) On top of these abysmal statistics, trans youth were the least comfortable talking about LGBTQ matters with teachers, principals, counsellors, school coaches, classmates, parents, other relatives and even close friends. (101) Trans. Youth. Are. At. Very. High. Risk. Regardless of a teacher, administrator, or school board’s stance on the “LGBTQ lifestyle” I imagine everyone can agree that an environment of fear, and harassment is unacceptable for anyone.

·       Female versus Male Sexual Minorities – Female sexual minorities reported much higher rates of verbal and physical harassment and feeling unsafe at school than male sexual minorities. Oddly, female sexual minorities seemed to attribute feeling unsafe at school to sexual orientation or perceived sexual orientation more than twice as often than they attributed these feelings of lack of safety to their gender or gender expression.** Essentially, if you are a female sexual minority you are especially vulnerable in school environments... And even if you don’t realize your gender puts you at higher risk, statistically it does. Again, this goes against the stereotype that queer females are somehow less vulnerable. It is important for teachers and administrators to know who the most vulnerable youth in their care are to respond appropriately.

·        Youth with LGBTQ Parents – One vulnerable group that I had not previously considered were students who had LGBTQ parents. Students with at least one LGBTQ parent were more than double as likely to feel unsafe at school which led more than three times as many to have skipped school because of feeling unsafe. (88, 89) These youth noticed a lot more of the homophobic comments made in school. They also experienced far higher rates of verbal and physical harassment because of the sexual orientation of their parents and their own perceived sexual orientation. One participant wrote “I am not out about my family members because people are so stupid that they think that if you know someone who is LGBTQ then that means you are too.” (62) Similarly to other vulnerable groups, youth with at least one LGBTQ parent were less likely to feel comfortable talking to teachers, counsellors, classmates or close friends. (104)

·       Ethnicity – A theme amongst youth of colour was that they were a lot more susceptible to feelings of isolation. (100) Almost half of youth of colour reported knowing no teachers or staff who were supportive of LGBTQ students, a rate higher than their Caucasian and Aboriginal counterparts. Youth of colour were less likely to know of open LGBTQ students or have friends who were open about being LGBTQ. Youth of colour also reported lower rates of comfort with discussing LGBTQ matters with teachers, coaches, classmates, parents, or even close friends. Youth of colour were less likely to report that staff or classmates intervened when homophobic comments were made. (112) These trends held for LGBTQ and non-LGBTQ youth of colour. (104, 105) I was a little surprised at how few conclusive findings there were regarding Aboriginal youth. Sometimes Aboriginal youth seemed to respond more similarly to Caucasian youth and other times more similarly to youth of colour.

·       Regional Variation – The regions within Canada surveyed were the North, Atlantic, Prairies, Ontario and BC. Quebec was excluded because they had a separate study. There was regional variation on a variety of the youth’s responses. Youth in the North were 50% more likely to report feeling unsafe at school than youth in the Atlantic provinces.*** (82) When it came to comfort in speaking to teachers, coaches, classmates and parents, again the Atlantic provinces came out on top, with students feeling more comfortable. BC students reported the highest rates of staff’s effectiveness in addressing anti-LGBTQ harassment and in seeing their school communities as supportive of LGBTQ people. There was significant regional variation in students reporting the presence of Gay-Straight Alliances (GSAs): less than 5% of students in the North and in the Atlantic provinces reported a GSA compared to 14% in the Prairies, 37% in Ontario and 40% in BC.**** (127) Keeping track of these regional variations and the corresponding policies and cultural attitudes in different regions can give us queues to helpful ways forward.

·       Intersectionality – Most of the above point to the importance of intersectionality. Risk factors that overlap don’t just make someone a bit more at-risk. They often make someone way more at-risk. For example, if you are a trans youth and you are living in a region of Canada with very few GSAs or supportive teachers and staff, life gets a lot harder not just a little bit harder. Something I found interesting though was that individuals with intersecting vulnerable identities were more likely to experience harassment related to other areas of life. This is a whole other aspect of intersectionality. For example, students with one or more LGBTQ parent were three times more likely to be physically harassed or assaulted due to their religion, race or ethnicity. (65)*****

Religion

I grew up in Alberta and attended a Catholic school for a few years. In Alberta there are two separate school systems: the public and the Catholic school system (which also receives public funding). With a bit of assistance of my nearest search engine I gather that six of the thirteen provinces and territories allow faith-based school boards to be publically funded (AB, ON, SK, NWT, YK). Knowing how prominent these schools are, how many students attend them, and that certain officials from the Catholic divisions appeared willing to participate in the survey, I was appalled to read that they were “instructed not to participate by their governing Bishops’ councils” because “Catholic schools should not be involved in activities that affirm the viability of a ‘homosexual lifestyle,’ such as filling out a homophobia survey.” (132) The argument went that generic safe school policies protect all students equally. Sadly, all of the evidence in this report shows otherwise. Knowing that LGBTQ students are being verbally and physically harassed at exceptionally higher rates, but that this kind of harassment is reduced significantly with simple actions taken by schools is hopeful. However, in cases, such as this one with the Catholic school boards, it is also infuriating. It is one thing for teachers, and staff to inadvertently create unsafe environment for students but to be willing to hear ways to improve this environment. It is another thing to stick your head in the sand, and avert your eyes from abuse occurring to youth in your care in the name of your faith. Unfortunately we know this isn’t the first time this has happened with the Catholic church. But when will it be the last?

But It’s Not My Problem!

As I read through descriptions given by students of their attempts to start GSAs, I was struck by the tendency of staff to either not see it as a pressing issue or to not want to rock the boat. The problem with this is that the visibility of the objections to “affirming the viability of a homosexual lifestyle” ends up trumping the invisibility of the far more vulnerable youth who are in distress because of social isolation; verbal, physical and sexual harassment; and who are far less likely to feel like they are a part of their schools. Parents, administrators or, unfortunately, church officials, have the impunity to state their opinions on homosexuality and then walk out of the classroom. Students, however, are forced to stay in those same, sometimes dangerous, classrooms. Check out some of the responses by students who wanted to start GSAs:

·       “I tried to start one, and approached staff to ask for assistance and help. I was told that in theory, although it was a nice idea, they believed that a) our school probably didn’t have enough interest ‘in that topic’; and b) there wasn’t a budget for it.”

·       “I attempted to start a GSA in my school, but the principal simply replied, ‘I do not think that many students would be interested. Also, most people may find it offensive.’”

·       “There were obstacles from the administration for fear of backlash from parents or ‘creating a problem where there wasn’t one.’ Though generally supportive, they were afraid of explicitly queer events for fear of ‘giving bullies ideas.’”

This reminds me of an interview with an occupational therapist who discussed a similar problem with healthcare providers. Some healthcare providers see themselves as open to LGBTQ folks because they are willing to provide the same services to LGBTQ people without discrimination, but because they don’t know of any of their patients being LGBTQ, they do not see the need to, for example, educate themselves on LGBTQ relevant healthcare, create inclusive forms, or put up rainbow flags in their offices to signal acceptance. The problem with this is that some LGBTQ people will not be willing to disclose their gender or sexuality in an environment that does not provide signals of acknowledgement or acceptance. Maybe these healthcare providers do have queer patients but they don’t even know! Similarly, these schools may not see the demand for GSAs because LGBTQ students are not currently out. It is unreasonable to expect LGBTQ folks to out themselves in potentially unsafe environments simply to gain access to the same quality of education, healthcare, and so on.

These are CHILDREN

Of course I knew I was reading about youth as I was reading this report. However, it really hit me when I read the Ethics Protocol section of the report. The challenge of collecting data ethically was a question the researchers needed to face: would they ask students under 18 years of age to put themselves in harm’s way to seek permission from parents to participate, or otherwise deny them the benefits of participating in research? Ultimately the Ethics Committee agreed that “LGBTQ adolescents who lack a supportive parent or guardian to act as mature minors able to provide their own consent” lest they be exposed to the scholarly documented “reactions of parents to disclosure of LGBTQ identity.” Reading the list of references following that statement on the adverse “reactions of parents” leaves a lump in your throat. Studies from 2005, 2001, 2003, 2004, 2001, 2008… All studies outlining how cruel your own family can be if you disclose your sexual or gender to them. It’s easy to forget how vulnerable you are as a youth: your parents, teachers, and other adults are expected to be your caregivers. Often these adults make many of your life choices for you until you are old enough to legally decide for yourself. Yet here they are: students being clearly targeted for verbal and physical harassment, without supportive adults around, and yet still dependent on these adults for something as simple as filling out a survey.

Change is Possible

Despite all of these depressing statistics there is a strong message of hope in this report. Generic safe school policies that do not include specific measures on homophobia are ineffective at improving the school climate for LGBTQ students. (115) But in schools with safe school policies that explicitly address homophobia and where students are aware of these policies LGBTQ students and students with LGBTQ parents were:

·       More likely to feel like they are respected as a part of the school;

·       More likely to feel like they can talk to teachers, principals, counsellors, coaches and classmates about LGBTQ matters;

·       Less likely to be exposed to homophobia and transphobic comments;

·       Less likely to be targeted by verbal and physical attacks;

·       More likely to report incidents when they are targeted; and

·       More likely to find their teachers effective in addressing incidents. (115)

Other factors that were indicative of a more supportive and less abusive environment for LGBTQ students was the presence of GSAs and respectful depictions of LGBTQ examples in the curriculum. (128) Another very hopeful finding was that 58% of non-LGBTQ students were distressed at homophobic comments. (137) The authors ask the brilliant question: what can adults do to activate this silent majority “in finding the courage to move from being distressed and ashamed bystanders to becoming allies who intervene in abusive situations”? (137)

One of the first things you learn in any sort of statistics class is that correlation is not causation. For this reason, I’d be curious to know which came first – the chicken or the egg. Were the school climates that were the most tolerant and supportive of LGBTQ folks the most likely to implement these policies and create GSAs? Or did the policy implementation truly change the environment? What we can be certain of though is that it is possible to create micro-climates where LGBTQ students feel safer. We do not have to wait for all of society to be on the same page. We can make our youth safer today.

Dorothy

xxoo

References and Notes

Taylor, C., & Peter, T., with McMinn, T. L., Elliott, T., Beldom, S., Ferry, A., Gross, Z., Paquin, S., & Schacter, K. (2011). Every class in every school: The first national climate survey on homophobia, biphobia, and transphobia in Canadian schools. Final report. Toronto, ON: Egale Canada Human Rights Trust.

*Compare almost 8 out of 10 trans youth indicating feeling unsafe in some way at school to only 15% of non-LGBTQ youth. (85)

**Percentages of students attribute feeling unsafe to gender versus sexual orientation in the graph below (87).

*** Specifically youth in the North reported feeling unsafe 62.4% of the time and students in the Atlantic reported feeling unsafe 42.1% of the time.

****Gay-Straight Alliances, as defined in the report, are “official student clubs with LGBTQ and heterosexual student membership and typically one or two teachers who serve as faculty advisors. […] Some GSAs go by other names such as Rainbow Clubs, Human Rights Clubs, or Social Justice Clubs. This is sometimes done to signal openness to non-LGBTQ membership (though, of course, some of these are not GSAs and might not address homophobia, biphobia, and transphobia), and sometimes because ‘Gay-Straight Alliance’ seems problematic in that ‘gay’ does not necessarily refer to lesbians or bisexuals and trans identities are not explicitly encompassed by the expression. However, using the acronym ‘GSA’ to represent any student group concerned with LGBTQ matters has become commonplace.” (19) Thank you to the authors of the report for acknowledging “gay” does not encompass all LGBTQ identities!

[cxrmacmclaggen]

i burn, i pine, i perish

pairing: ginny weasley x blaise zabini

setting: post-war canon, but where blaise’s wealth supposedly can’t support his extravagant habits…please just go with this one lol. also based on this except i replaced michael corner w ginny bc fuck michael corner

wc: 1788

link: ff

written for: @provocative-envy, belated happy birthday, this is like 4 days late sorry!

also: this is the first fanfic i’ve written since i was like, 12. it’s 4 a.m. please god help me  and please excuse the tense changes bc im sure they are THERE and GLARINGLY OBVIOUS to everyone except for me

It all begins at the Dragon’s Breath on a Tuesday—

Well, that’s not quite right. It all begins during sixth year in a train compartment on the way to Hogwarts.

Blaise should have known that somehow word of him calling Ginny a blood traitor would have reached her. At the time, Ginny’s opinion of him hadn’t seemed pertinent.

Not that anything’s changed present day.

It begins in a train compartment on the way to Hogwarts, but it doesn’t really start until the Dragon’s Breath on a Tuesday.

It’s a pretty average Tuesday afternoon at the Dragon’s Breath, which means that there’s a scattering of rough-looking men drinking alone and two thirty-something women, a little bit too old to still be hanging around the Dragon’s Breath, in the corner giggling over butterbeers, casting glances that Blaise is pretty sure they intend to be furtive.

They’re not. One of them looks vaguely familiar in a way that probably means Blaise has fucked her before. Or not. He doesn’t exactly quite keep a body count, but he gets this sort of feeling somewhere in his gut when he sees one of them.

His gut is telling him to stay the fuck out. He doesn’t do seconds, doesn’t do romance or emotional intimacy or really emotions, which is definitely what this woman wants.

His Gringotts overdraft notice is cataloging the delicate chantilly lace edging her robes, the muted green raw silk scarf tied around her neck, and the determined look in her eye.

Bottles of 1952 Chateau Margauxs don’t pay for themselves, and things like moral objections and walking a very blurry line between prostitution and, well, not-prostitution, have never really bothered him anyways.

The strange similarity between his mother’s methods and his—well. Some things don’t have to be thought about.

He tosses away the dirty rag he’d been using to clean a glass and is about to saunter over when the door creaks open. Curiously, he turns his head. Most of the regulars are already drinking their way into a stupor, and more women could fuck up his plans.

Ginny fucking Weasley is standing by the bar.

He doesn’t even remember the soccer moms in the corner table until the next morning.

He doesn’t want to think about the last time something—or someone—has so fully captured his attention.

Ginny Weasley, it turns out, had a mutual breakup with Harry fucking Potter and is now at the Dragon’s Breath to drown her sorrows.

Blaise pours three fingers of Firewhiskey into a tumbler. Ginny narrows her eyes at him. “More.”

He pulls out the bottle again. “If you wanted to get drunk, you could have gone to any single pub,” he says casually. Why the fuck would you come to the Dragon’s Breath is left unsaid.

She shrugs. “Won’t get recognized here,” she says, throwing back the drink without a grimace. Even Blaise is surprised.

Blaise considers her. Her statement could be true. As the Chosen One’s girlfriend—or ex-girlfriend—she would get a lot of attention, especially right after a breakup. But it doesn’t ring exactly true.

He’s a fucking bartender. He knows, understands the seediness of the Dragon’s Breath, how easily conversation flows and the convenience of a motel right next door that rents rooms out by the hour. And he considers the fact that Ginny Weasley, of all people, is trolling at the Dragon’s Breath for sex, and, well—

He had always thought she was too hot for Potter.

The thing is, Blaise is competitive. He knows how to win, how to purse his lips in a way that make his cheekbones look sharp enough to cut glass, how to say the right things and the right moment to smirk, knows, inherently, that he is beautiful and charming and knows exactly how to use that in his favor.

He’s used to being wanted. To being adored. He’s used to being the one that leaves in the morning, that wants less, that pulls away.

Ginny Weasley is nobody. She’s poor. She wears worn, plain black robes. Doesn’t do her makeup or hair, doesn’t know the right people or the right things to say. The fact that Blaise even wants her is a goddammned blessing upon her. He should have been the one to leave.

When Blaise wakes up in the morning, fists curled in the sheets and a case of morning wood that he suspects has more to do with the memory of Ginny than just biological regularities, Ginny Weasley is gone. No note on the bed table begging him to call her, no panties left in the corner with a cheeky request to “remember her.” And that is just—unacceptable.

He owls her again, fucks her again because God knows he’s always loved a challenge and he’s determined to make her like him more than he likes her.

It’s just sex. Neither of them even like each other. He doesn’t tell his friends about her. She doesn’t bring him to meet her parents. It’s not a relationship. Her toothbrush is in his bathroom because it’s just more convenient, and God of course he’s not going to kiss her before she brushes her teeth, her fucking morning breath is insane. And the fact that her ratty T-shirts have begun fighting for closet space with his carefully color-coded cashmere sweaters—well, he’s not going to give her his shirts to wear when she leaves, that’s a cliche and she’d just ruin them (he’s pretty sure she would spontaneously combust if anything other than polyester or cotton touched her skin).

And the worming, sinking feeling in his gut—his gut feeling’s been pretty fucking spot-on for most of the time he’s known her—that he’s way over his head, well. Nobody ever accused Blaise of being honest with himself.

It’s just sex, until it’s not.

Their first fight happens three months in. Well, technically, they fight over everything. Who should make another pot of coffee, which brand of yogurt to buy, which TV channel to watch. (Blaise is pretty sure that it’s a form of fucked up foreplay for Ginny, which makes him wonder about Potter.) But they’ve never really fought.

Then he gets a letter from his mother.

“What do you mean, you don’t want to meet my mother? She’s my fucking mother,” Blaise sputters over dinner.

Ginny stabs her fork into a piece of prosciutto (what the fuck is prosciutto, Blaise, it’s literally just ham but 5 galleons more expensive, why would we buy prosciutto, was her stance in the grocery market. She had lost the argument). “Exactly,” she snaps. “She’s your mother. That’s not—that’s not what we do. Why the fuck does your mother know about—have you been writing your mother about me?”

Blaise is momentarily thankful for his dark skin as his face heats. “I talk to my mother about my life, it’s pretty hard to escape the fact that I’m fucking you half the time,” he bites out. “She’s curious, she wants to meet you, can’t you just get it fucking together for an hour and meet her?”

Ginny slams her fork down. “What happened to boundaries? I am fucking you, Blaise. I don’t—we are not in the type of relationship where I meet your mother. I can’t meet your mother. We’re fuck buddies. It's—temporary.”

He doesn’t hear how her voice hesitates, cracks before temporary. He’s too zeroed in on the word itself, and it sounds more like failure to him. Because he’s kept himself safe his entire life by wanting less and he didn’t want to admit it but he wants more, he wants Ginny like he’s never wanted before, and he doesn’t know if it’s like or if it’s love, or maybe neither, he just knows that he wants.

And the fact that she doesn’t. Well. It stings. More than stings, if he’s being honest.

His gut is rolling when he says, “I don’t think my mother would approve of a blood traitor like you, anyways.”

He hears himself echoing those sixth-year words, and he’s vaguely surprised once again by his capability for cruelty. He’s not surprised when he hears the door slam behind him.

When he goes to her, he doesn’t apologize. Doesn’t bring flowers or a big teddy bear or a guitar. He’s not even sure that he’s sorry, only that there is something that clicks when Ginny’s around and seeing her stupid probiotic yogurt in his fridge go uneaten makes him. Well. it makes him—unhappy.

When she opens the door she doesn’t expect him to be standing there. He knows that because there’s a light in her eyes that dims when she sees him, and he doesn’t think about how that feels like a stab in the gut. Doesn’t think about the fact that it’s been two months, she might be dating someone else, that that someone else might be the one she was waiting for.

Instead, he opens his mouth and the words come out in a rush. “It is—conflicting. Or was conflicting. Being with you. Because.” He swallows before this. “I like…you. A lot, and I’m not used to liking people, my mother didn’t exactly provide me with a model for a healthy relationship, and. I realize now that I’ve been repeating what I’ve seen. Which was fine, until it wasn’t fine, because I met you and I didn’t. Want. To move on from you. Because I could have moved on, maybe, and been fine, but that’s not what I wanted. And I want you.” He stops. She looks at him, unimpressed by the equivalent of practically a fucking declaration of love from him. So he swallows and continues. “And you being a Weasley—your family—is confusing. Because I’ve been raised to know the right families. Malfoy. Greengrass. Parkinson. To see them as better. But I don’t want Daphne or Pansy or Draco. I want you, and coming to terms with your family, and its, uh, way of life. I see now that it’s not. Bad. In a way. Just different. And maybe, uh, better. Or something.”

The words at this point are coming out so stiltedly that when he finally trails off he’s not sure if any more are going to come out or not. She studies him for a minute, maybe two.

“That was the worst apology of all time,” she finally says after what constitutes as the longest silence in the world, probably. “You didn’t even apologize.”

He opens his mouth to say something, defend himself, but she beats him to it. “We’ll work on it, though.”

It begins in a train compartment. Starts at the Dragon’s Breath.

Where it ends, though—

Blaise hopes to God it doesn’t.

[iiisle]

dang...I am supposed to be studying, but it doesn’t seem that I will do so until I get a certain frustration off my mind. 

I have a mutual on another blog, and sometimes it seems like she vagues me. she already showed signs of belittling my interests tbh, and said that there was no usage in understanding who you are. so, there is some grounds to believe this. she reblogged a post that spoke of how the current wave of introspection through typology and pseudoscience systems can be more of a harm than a help. it spoke of how it can become obsessive and hinder your growth forward. and she reblogged it soon after reblogging two of my posts. I told her before how I hadn’t been the happiest recently. and I agree with the posts. 

but the thing is,,,a lot of my blog is actually about my characters. and, the parts that do refer to myself are actually allowing me to finally accept a few aspects of myself and process my feelings. I actually feel like my self-concept is something that will get in the way of my life if I don’t observe well. I don’t have a personality that well meshes with others. neglecting to observe, I've just recently found, got me into a toxic friendship of 8 years. I am in the process of getting over that actually. finally giving myself the time to get over it. like, I’ve found that either people have complaints about me or I float through life feeling unfulfilled. I have compromised what it is that I want and my happiness from being unaware. I actually did let go of observing myself through these systems multiple times, but I don’t find that it does any better for me. plus, I really haven’t been discovered all that much about me lately. I was actually realizing how other-focused I had been.

it isn’t her assumed actions that really pose the issue in this. this is a threefold issue. the first is my upbringing: my mom has wanted to make a mold out of her kids. as an effect, it’s given me messages that my natural leanings are unacceptable or even evil. the second is I actually feel like I had a harsh break with myself? it felt something like how people describe ego death. I wanted my self to dissolve...I dont particularly care about having a self, but how else am I supposed to get along in this world? third is that I have had a lot of comments on my interests. I won’t get into that. but, I think I’ve watered myself down too much...makes me feel that I don’t exist for any useful purpose sometimes. and as a bonus half reason, I finally did process that friendship and it made me feel lonely. one thing I neglect to do within friendships is share my interests,,,and there’s nothing more that I want that to share them with other people. I just lost a lot of confidence in that aspect,,,man. so, over the past few days, ive been feeling real lonely in that respect.

like, Im sure she views me as self-absorbed and that’s why it’s weird to her,,,i dont really care. if it seems like she continues to push this sort of commentary, I will definitely consider blocking her. it’s really for my mental health at this point. i’m not even being touchy. I just feel pretty disconnected from others around me because it never feels as though they valued whatever I had to say. it’s hard to realize what I try to bring up as a connecting point right off the bat. bro,,,,what I really want right now is a friend. just one. because I feel so disconnected and like my life has and will always be building up into the most disappointing climax. I feel pretty unloved :(

(boyyy. one important point to mention is I stand in such an atypical stance towards the world that I don’t notice how my view of the world is so different from others’. that causes problems to say the least. bc of the lack of overlap. if I am going to exist in society, this is important to have an awareness of)

Like...Budd é my appetite is suffering over this. It's not the introspection I promise. It's just called lonely nerd syndrome