#bc like being here has transformed my view of myself for the better

[robvandamdatass]

today pluto left capricorn, and entered aquarius where it will be for the next twenty years. i felt the transition .. or maybe it was sleep deprivation. either way, i'm feeling bittersweet about it. here are some unorganized reflections about this time for me:

in astrology, pluto represents transformations and rebirth to whatever it touches. in capricorn, which represents societal structures and government, i think we've all witnessed and woke up to the fuckery of it all.

pluto entered capricorn back in 2008. sixteen years ago! i was either 16 or 17. while in capricorn, pluto transited my seventh house of relationships (whole sign- this could mean any form of relationships. platonic, intimate, enemies, etc.), and transiting my eighth house of death/taxes (placidus- from feb 2019 on until current day where it will journey for the next ten years i believe), really anything money and paperwork related. i guided my mom on how to handle money during this time/mainly 2020 and i began to save for the first time in my life.

a lot has happened to me personally during this time frame, and i grew in so many ways that i cannot articulate. even when i was fighting change, felt unsure or confused, i eventually surrendered to the realities of life and watch society change and crumble around (and not benefit) me at the same time. it was for the best. i had to learn to trust myself in making decisions and to prove to my authoritarian counterparts that i can be trusted in those decisions. being a female, you're forever viewed as inferior and no one ever takes you seriously until its too late. its something i've been challenging since i was 10.

i made many unforgettable connections. i met people i look up to, and engaged in conversations with them (i still can't get over peter buck from rem and meeting s club omgomgomg) and even formed friendships. if you know me irl, i am reserved and uncomfortably shy with a resting bitch face. i look unapproachable. but i am far from this. i realize, everyone is human and feels like this as well. no matter their position in life.

i lost a few friendships too. one in particular was incredibly difficult. but that's when i knew i had to set BOUNDARIES on how i wanted to be treated, and remain firm in them. change was coming at me in different ways. i'm pretty sure the election that year was the culprit as well.

paramore's "after laughter" woke me tf up to a lot of the mentioned above. i cried many nights to that album. i finally understood why i was feeling the way i was. it is still on constant replay to this day.

in january 2017 i was diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). a chronic hormonal disorder where my ovaries became enlarged and formed small cysts to the outer edges of my ovaries. this put me at risk of diabetes, high cholesterol and infertility.

i began to have irregular bleeding around feb 2011. i was 19 omw to 20. i was having menstrual cycles/periods that lasted more than one month. the longest i experienced had to be approaching three months. i went to the hospital where they tried pushing birth control at me. i refused this as an option. i was not sexually active. why would i use something not for its intended use? i knew the risk of taking birth control, especially as a black woman, how it would react to my body (blood clots, weight gain and other complications). i also knew whatever was happening to my body, BC would further complicate it. i ended up researching home remedies and alternatives, and it worked for a few years. i kept track of how long my periods lasted and/or when i missed cycles. but eventually the irregular bleeding returned in late 2016. pushing one of my many fears aside. i went to the gynecologist for the first time where i was diagnosed.

i was at my highest weight, depressed and ready to end my life. my mom, bless her, guided and reassured me i can and will get better. her unwavering support of me, not only during this time, just in general, is unfathomable. i'm an anxious mess.

i had only told a few people about this. mind you, i was still reeling from the end of said friendships and my trust in people, even to those closest to me, was nonexistent at this time.

i thought it was the end of my dream before it even began. i wanted to be able to have children in a "traditional" way one day. as a child of adoption, in my head, i wanted to prove i can do something natural and right in my lifetime. as an identifying female, and choosing to be celibate from a young age (for non religious reasons), until i found someone who matched my convictions, along with childbearing, it was all i have control as this gender. it was a harsh wake up call to my convictions. it also brought a huge awareness on how i was treating my body and my relationship to food and my psychological being.

since the diagnosis, i lost 32 pounds and have maintained this for four years now (even after covid/2020 where i gained 15 of those pounds back- i lost it quickly the next year as the world began to "open" up again). i want to lose more. but no matter how much exercise i implement, or walks i take, it remains stagnant.

this past summer, i took it upon myself to see every basic doctor. a fear i developed over time: taking care of myself. i hadn't seen most of these doctors since i was a child. i saw regular (blood work was good!), dentist (fear- insecure about my teeth/got some fixed and a very thorough cleaning i've been maintaining since), eye (fear- i developed trichotillomania in 2012 due to financial stress my mom and i were experiencing at the time/i can tell you now since july 2024 i now have eyelashes again and i wear glasses after finding out i have slight astigmatism in my left eye and only having 20/40 vision- something i knew i had a long time ago i just didn't want it confirmed), dermatologist (fear- related to my menstrual cycle/around 13 (pluto in sagittarius was a wild trauma forming time btw more on that for another time) i developed hidradenitis suppurativa- i don't think it had a name at the time and i had no idea how to treat it beyond home remedies/after 20 years, seeing the dermatologist saved my life) and the gynecologist. as of september 2024, after a very painful and annoying ultrasound checkup on my uterus, according to my gynecologist my ovaries were back to normal!!!!!! phew.

it is true if your mental health isn't right, your physical health reflects it. and my life hasn't been an easy one. i do believe everything i've lived through did not help my mental and physical health and growth (scars left on my heart, formed patterns in my mind- is a pmore lyric that comes to mind every time). i internalize like no one's business. but i realize suppressing and avoiding is the wrong route. it has to be released and addressed.

i will continue to manage, and do what i've been doing since being diagnosed, to help my body release and heal from life's hovering death grip and learn to love itself. its astonishing the stress and trauma our bodies store from the time we are born, and builds up over time. we don't notice until its late, and an illness has formed from it.

i took a break from astrology in the early 10's. but i eventually returned to it during my progressed lunar return around 2016/2017/during the beginning stages of my diagnosis. i was looking for answers as to why life was happening so much during those years, and gained a deeper understanding on how it works. lo and behold i was officially becoming an adult who was approaching her saturn return (which coincided with covid/shut down- i was freaking the fuck out but i was prepared mentally because i knew it was coming .. just not in the way it presented itself: the pandemilovato). with pluto creeping up right alongside saturn, it has been a double whammy on my psyche for sure.

as i mentioned above pluto is about transformations. saturn is all about karma and accountability. its about growing the fuck up. for REAL. you cannot avoid what it continuously puts in front of you for so long. the moon is your emotions, and mines were being amplified strongly whether i wanted it to or not.

understanding myself, my life and the way its played out so far and understanding others in this form is a privilege not everyone has and i'm not pushy nor braggy about it. if you know about it, cool. if you know i do readings and interpretations, cool. whenever you're ready to know more, i am more than happy to discuss astrology with you. but i would never try to persuade you. you have to come to that conclusion yourself. i'm just trying to make sense of this world, and be a guidance to those who need an ear to hear.

there was loss on many levels throughout this journey. but i gained knowledge, perspective and so much love for myself.

i come out of all of this knowing my boundaries and who i am in my convictions. to remain calm and still within chaos, internally and externally. accept change, and learn to let go.

[c0rpseductor]

i realize im preaching to the choir here but it is extremely bold of the autogynephilia guy to insist that the VAST MAJORITY of adult trans women are, like, outright lying about their own experiences based on his having sorted them into arbitrary, unscientific categories AS A STRANGER. extremely fucking deranged

also obviously speaking on a more personal level the proposed "autohomoerotic" type of trans guy is so fucking infuriating to me. it's like, obviously that's going to be the explanation for gay trans men this idiot comes up with because of the view that being gay is "feminine male" behavior, so how do you victor victoria around that if your understanding of how gender and sexuality interact is from the stone age? Well Clearly It's A Total Separate Other Thing.

it's obviously a talking point every gay trans man on earth has heard at least once, like "you're trans because you're interested in pretending to be a gay man" rather than like. the actual situation. you know. i'm very tired i feel like garbage bc it's a bad migraine brain day but like it just frustrates me bc like...i mean clearly it's cruel and uncharitable and transphobic.

my own experience is that i grew up experiencing a lot of "typical" markers of dysphoria and preferring to be seen as a boy or at least "not a girl" and wanting to hang out with other boys and puberty sucking etc etc you have certainly heard the narrative people trot out and i did fit a number of those points. but it was difficult for me to pin down how i felt and who i actually felt i was without also wrangling the fact that i was struggling with a lot of internalized homophobia. growing up even before consciously understanding myself as male i felt a lot of guilt about being interested in guys and felt it was "wrong." for a good number of years i attempted to transform "i guess girls are pretty" into "i'm DEFINITELY attracted to women, a very socially acceptable thing for a man!" while also trying to deny being trans, which resulted in this really absurd attempt to convince myself i was An Lesbian despite having genuinely no fucking interest in women whatsoever beyond liking their clothes. ("slay bitch!" is not actually attraction to women, but try telling 19 year old lestat that, he will not agree.) and, of course, i absorbed a lot of surface level feminist talking points about how Bad And Yucky men are that made me feel that it would be, like...misogynist to not be a woman.

so i did have to reconcile all those things at once, but ESPECIALLY the fact that i was attracted to men to finally, like, be ready to just call myself a trans man. it was finally realizing that despite my shame about it growing up and the feeling that it was "bad" or "wrong" or "not feminist" (????) (my internalized homophobia was weird sometimes) i did like men, but only if they'd also treat me like a man, because i didn't really want to be having relationships with men as a woman. i was like "huh...this kind of sounds like i don't want to have relationships with ANYONE as a woman." and then i kind of realized after a short stint of identifying as bi that i was also like. just not interested in women at all. i had been making that shit up for notes.

so like, i think in that regard it's like...it's hard to separate my understanding of myself as a man who likes men from my understanding of myself as a man more generally, which is why it's especially frustrating to me to hear that twisted into "it's because you have a fetish for gay men" when i had to like. fight myself tooth and nail for Literally 22 years to accept that i am a man AND that i am attracted to men. i was so uncomfortable with who i was and tried so hard to be cis (or at least Not a man) and straight (or at least Not into men) at the same time that i tried to force myself to be a lesbian. despite having no interest in women. to me that was better than being the person i actually was, which was somebody i felt a lot of shame and discomfort about. accepting that i was binary trans and gay was not like "being gay seems cool can i play" so much as having to tell myself "maybe liking men and being male does not make you some kind of disgusting aberrant monster, dude." but god forbid anybody have any compassion about that when it's way easier to get mad at a straw fujo

[itsamatterofmind]

Disruptive thoughts layer past experiences onto the present moment.

I, unfortunately, have relationship trauma.  And because of this I was looking at the world through a shattered window. I never realized it until I tried to enter another relationship after three years of being away from my abusive ex.  I will from here on out call him “My Qualifier” or “My Q” I will explain more about that later. It will be titled “My Q”

When I entered into a new relationship that is when I realized I have been DROWNING unconsciously in fear. And not just in relationships but in LIFE. My whole life was stuck because of fear. I am not a fearful person. I dont ask for external validation but with everything I was experiencing it was so heavy that I sought from friends who I know would give me the cold hard truth. Even if it isnt what I want to hear, “Who am I?”  They knew be before the trauma so asking them I feel I could get a clearer view on how much I've changed. It was depressing to say the least that everyone I asked mentioned all of the qualities I no longer lived through.  This was a call to action. When I finally became aware that my mind had been so distorted I realized that I was screaming inside, and my inner child was slowly suffocating.  I am freeing her now through re-framing my mind, and looking towards God. I couldn't continue on the way I was living I was heavy, mean, and suspicious of everything, but why?  I've never been this way before?  I was stuck in confusion and it showed through the steps I took in life, and how I reacted to situations that I could’ve responded to better.  I stopped giving myself the care that I needed, and I was punishing myself and my opportunities because of the way someone treated me.  My ego had me trapped in this vicious cycle of karmic fire, and because my ego was in control I was operating in deceptive ways. Something had to be done about this, and God was waiting for an invitation from me; I know this because I see it.  As soon as I realized my disconnection from God and sought ways of connecting with God my view of life is transforming.  I am no longer holding on to past pain, and I feel much lighter.  It is through forgiveness that has helped me feel at ease again.  7 years of being trapped is much too long and I dont want to feel guilty about it being that much time because life is short and time is precious.   Thankfully, time does not exist, we have this moment and that is it.  Celebrate this moment and let it go, forgive it if it needs forgiving and help each other heal through forgiveness.  It takes time, and it is a concept that your ego just will not allow, but the great thing about that is acknowledging the ways in which your ego disrupts your life, awareness is the first step, the next step is surrendering what you think you know about life.   I had serious control issues after the trauma because WTF WAS THAT?  My Q’s mom would always say “you are a safe space for him, and he will keep coming back.”  I would cry out “Please tell him to LEAVE ME ALONE” but still, he came back.  I hated my life in those moments but God never failed to show me that I am on the correct path, and soon my pain would end. 

After starting to date someone new I was experiencing nightmares, panic attacks, waking up sweating, crying a lot, and I just couldnt understand WTF was happening because this guy was great.  I couldnt understand why I was ripping this connection to shreds.  Why am I destroying this beautiful connection when all I want is to hold his hand and walk into the future together?  It was disturbing.

I was disturbed, and I immediately sought help in anyway I could, and anything that remotely promoted healing I was ON it or signing up for it.  I will discuss these healing modalities at a later time because they were great help to rebuilding my sense of peace and safety.

I kept trying to explain something I didnt even understand (and I went through it) to someone who never experienced it. It is unfortunate bc I felt like I was just coming across crazy, and that I would never heal from this but with determination you can overcome anything.  I am currently overcoming this and it is beautiful!!!  I was never meant to be here for long. I was supposed to learn these important lessons to solidify what my purpose in life is,  I know that this particular situation is in alignment with what God has planned for me because I can feel it.  The more I heal the more the path opens for me.  I am destined to help others who went through a similar situation and reach my hand, and my heart out to them to get them out of the darkness they suffer from daily.  The deception I was operating in WAS this. It was continuing to walk through life thinking “I guess this is just who I am now because of _______ this.”  No. that is never the case.  The thorn is a gift, and I never understood that until I started healing my connection with God.  Now I no longer suffer everyday from the weight that I was carrying around, and everyday I now look for opportunities to learn, and to forgive and I feel blessed that I am strong enough to see this trauma as an opportunity to  grow.  I never thought I would be here.  I am no longer suffocating from what was done to me and I am freeing my inner child so she can come out and play with the world around me.

[oh-katsuki]

it’s my blog’s birthday

happy birthday to the blog arlerted/oh-katsuki. here’s a little (i’m lying, it’s long) message to commemorate. 

okay, i just want to say that having this blog and this space to share my creative ideas and insane thoughts has been so amazing. i didn’t expect to find running a blog to be this rewarding at times and i certainly didn’t expect to meet the amazing people i did. 

things got a little weird (like that one time tumblr just deleted my whole ass blog for five minutes) but overall, being here has been a pleasure. i’ve met so many wonderful people, read so many wonderful pieces, and seen so many shit ass garbage takes. it warms my heart.

like tumblr can be odd and there were def some not so great times and i definitely saw some of the worst takes ive ever seen in my life, but i feel like ive grown a lot as a person (and gotten worse) since making this blog. it’s absolutely helped with my sexual liberation and has definitely helped me to be a more confident person. i’ve learned a lot about what it means to just be me and be okay with that and im so so grateful to have a space like that. 

writing has always been a hobby of mine, but i feel like since creating this blog it has come a little closer to a passion and a way to share a part of myself. i feel like i have grown immensely as an author and i am so beyond grateful for that. 

not to mention, you all are fucking fantastic. you’re so supportive and kind to me and i honestly couldn’t have wished for a better group of people. i feel like i have room to grow and i feel supported in that creative growth. i’m comfortable branching out and writing new things because you all are so so beyond supportive. 

i’ve met some of my forever friends on here and they are people that i truly believe are meant to be in my life. like... genuinely some of the most lovely people i’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. i’m just very very happy to have this blog and this place where i can be myself entirely and totally without fear. 

sooo thank you, happy birthday to this blog. aaaaannnddd here’s to another year hopefully if i live that long (i suspect i might die in a freak accident. the way god intended.) 

in all seriousness, i hope this blog continues to be a safe space for both myself and all of you. thank you <3

[iraprince]

hello! do you have any advice for switching from traditional art to digital? (i recently ran out of supplies so im relegated to my computer lol) i hope youre having a good day!

i sure do!

first off i really recommend clip studio paint, but i also recommend u wait for it to go on sale. it goes 50% off a few times a year, so imo it’s worth waiting, but it also is usually on sale for only a few days so u have to stay on top of it. they usually announce on twitter etc. the tools don’t make the artist and obviously it doesn’t Really matter what program u end up settling on, i’ve just been really pleased with CSP and i wanted to recommend it

second: nothing that u can do with digital art programs/tools is cheating and it took me way too long to really internalize + understand that. copy-pasting stuff instead of redrawing it, using symmetry rulers, using transform/ctrl+T to stretch or squash slightly off anatomy instead of starting over -- when i was first getting into digital i A. didn’t know u could do this stuff and B. felt weirdly guilty doing it once i figured it out, as if i was a worse artist for using the tools that are literally built into the software or that it was lazy or dishonest to do so. that, it turns out, is bullshit. any drawing is just a constant series of decision-making and a lot of digital tools just help u make or retract or edit those decisions faster than traditional does. it’s not better or worse, it’s just different, and it’s worth ur time to figure out which of those differences are the most convenient and useful. this stuff exists for a reason! use it! save ur wrists and ur patience and ur time!

figure out file organization early, because it’s something u don’t have to deal with irt traditional art and so it probably won’t come naturally, but it also makes ur life harder to have a desktop swarming with wip files that are all titled “kjsrhrfgdhgj.psd” or whatever. some ppl sort into folders by date; for me it works better to sort by content (i.e. i have folders for tvrn stuff, patreon stuff, different fandoms, dnd/ttrpg stuff, “misc ocs” for characters i don’t draw much and “misc fandoms” for one-off fanart that doesn’t merit its own folder, etc etc; this is what makes it easiest for me to find stuff, but ur system might end up different.) i admittedly still name my files keysmashes if it’s personal stuff rather than work/commissions, but at least it’s all sorted into a category where i can quickly find it again anyway

also, u can hybridize traditional and digital! i frequently like my traditional pencil lines better than what i can do digitally, so i often scan them in, turn them into lineart, and color digitally (here’s a tutorial on how i prep that). but even if u don’t have a scanner, a carefully taken phone photo with high contrast can still be used the same way. i tend to lay my sketchbook flat on the floor in front of a window, squat down and hold my phone as level as i can while i’m taking the pic, and then i blast it in my phone’s built in gallery editor (highlights/shadows and contrast) before sending it to myself and doing the same thing w tone curve/levels in csp. it’s not perfect, but it’s presentable, and it can be a good way to ease urself in if ur feeling frustrated w the learning curve on digital draftsmanship.

oh, and this tip is really small but it’s ended up being rly helpful for me: resist the urge to zoom in way past 100% scale view just bc u can. if there are times where u absolutely need to, sure, whatever, but there’s no point in regularly tweaking tiny things pixel by pixel at 250% zoom bc nobody who looks at ur art is gonna see that and ur just bloating ur own time spent on things and creating unnecessary stress for urself!! if 100% zoom doesn’t give u the control u want, that may just mean u need to work larger to begin with.

set up a comfortable workspace with a Good chair. look up proper posture and try to stick to it. i know we’re all gay and it sucks to sit in a chair properly but otherwise ur gonna hurt urself. take even more frequent breaks than u do when drawing traditionally! screen bad!

also, if ur tablet has a way to calibrate pressure, try that out. a lot of them are set in a way where you have to press really hard to get full line width and over time it can really seriously strain ur wrist; u can’t manually set pressure in traditional tools (besides like. using softer lead i guess lmfao) but u can with tablet pens and u should try it, bc if u can use a lighter touch overall it really goes a long way towards preventing injury in the long term.

this is all the stuff that came to mind immediately; i’m sure there are tons of basics i haven’t covered, depending on how much of a transition this is for u, but there are a lot of tutorials out there written by ppl more patient and more educationally-oriented than myself so you’d be doing a better service to urself seeking those out than if i were to try to clumsily emulate them lol. good luck + have fun!

[donheisenberg]

Better Call Saul Season 5 Review

The difficult penultimate season. It is a somewhat under-discussed but common occurrence in TV drama. FX greats:  Justified, The Americans and The Shield all had near faultless runs, but in their second to last seasons stumbled to different degrees. Depending on how you break it up The Sopranos experienced its weakest run of episodes in 6A before hitting its classic final stretch.  Add to the list Six Feet Under and probably quite a few others and you can see that it resembles something of an obstacle for long-form TV drama. Why is this? In the aforementioned show they spend much of their penultimate season table-setting for their final run of episodes. It can sometimes be forgotten about because all of these shows stuck the landing (similarly Game of Thrones’ weak first half of its last season is largely forgotten about because the last 7 episodes are even worse) but nevertheless there can be a difficult balancing act between setting-up the all-important final season and delivering hours of TV that are satisfying in and of themselves. Thankfully it is a balance Better Call Saul strikes, not only managing to not falter but in fact exceeding with its strongest season yet.

So how does Better Call Saul succeed where others struggled? I think the answer is indicative of very nature of the show. Where the shows mentioned above spent 10 or so episodes, making sure all the dominos were set-up before they were to come crashing down, for BCS the end has always been in place. While Breaking Bad was a propulsive ride full of events; BCS has always been less concerned with getting to the next big moment, instead favouring the times in between. As a prequel we have always know the destination of this journey, admittedly with a couple of significant caveats.

The most significant of which being Kim Wexler. More than just the MVP of BCS, Kim is one of the most compelling characters on any TV series at the moment. Of course her story has the biggest question mark over it because she is the most major character in BCS not to appear in Breaking Bad, but through this season and in particular in the finale a whole new ambiguity comes over her arc.

Mimicking the finger guns gesture Jimmy made toward  her at the end of the last season, which had signified his identity shift to Saul Goodman (as he made it official with a name change) Kim truly turns the tables here. After a night of appearing to be jokingly discussing the ways in which they may sabotage Howard’s career, it turns out Kim may not have really been joking. Despite everything Jimmy has done to Howard this season he is taken aback by the notion Kim would actually consider ruining a man’s career and life. Where we had always thought that this was the story of all the things that break Jimmy down into becoming Saul, the question now becomes whether this is in fact the story of Kim’s transformation?

The other key strength of Season Five was the way in which the show was finally able to intertwine its two halves. My biggest criticism of BCS in the past has always been that it felt like two separate shows edited together. On the one hand you have the Jimmy and Kim show and on the other you have the Mike show. The Mike show has always felt like more of a direct prequel to Breaking Bad, sometimes to its detriment. It is not to say it hasn’t been responsible for some great scenes or whole episodes in the case of season one’s Five-0 but at its worst it can sometimes feel like it is just filling in gaps in the Breaking Bad mythology (e.g. how did Hector lose the use of his legs). In the second half of this season though there’s none of that fragmentation. By finally having the two often separate strands linked the Mike show feels more vital than ever and we get the best run of BCS episodes yet (from about 5-9 I would say).

A large part of that is certainly down to Lalo Salamanca. Breaking Bad loved a big bad, whether it was Tuco, the cousins or a certain Gus Fring, the show was populated by some of the greatest villains in TV history. BCS in its earlier seasons had a fantastic villain but of a very different variety in the form of Chuck but with Tony Dalton’s scene-stealing turn as Lalo they have a truly great out and out antagonist.

The fact he is not in Breaking Bad would seem to point to only one conclusion when it comes to what exactly his fate will be, but the question remains just exactly what havoc he will wreak on his way there. Many expected this season to end with the death of Nacho, but while Gilligan and Gould spared him for now only time will tell. The finale itself actually felt a tad underwhelming on first viewing after the above mentioned run of classic episodes. In some ways it was frustrating but in a way that is typical of BCS.

Having said that, this season BCS was more willing than ever to embrace aspects of its predecessor. This season’s outstanding eighth episode (directed by Gilligan) largely set in the desert evokes some of Breaking Bad’s best hours. At the same time though BCS always feels distinct in various ways. In the penultimate episode Kim and Jimmy are backed into a corner when Lalo arrives and are forced to work some way out of it, much in the way Jesse and Walt so often  were, but unlike Breaking Bad BCS revels in the anti-climax. No blood is shed in that scene. The finale is similar in this sense, while Lalo does admittedly massacre a small army of guys, the tragedy of this story lies beneath the surface. After their big confrontation with Lalo, Jimmy and Kim spend most of the finale in a hotel room not even discussing what had happened. Yet the show still mines a great power out of the smallest of gestures. No planes come down, no hospital rooms explode but this show never lacks in emotional depth.

While I recently re-watched Breaking Bad in its entirety, reminding myself what a clinically perfect piece of storytelling and film-making that show still is, season 5 goes some way to legitimizing the BCS vs Breaking Bad conversation. While I personally can never see myself subscribing to the view that BCS is a better show than Breaking Bad,  the quality of this season on top of the already excellent previous four  seasons, makes it seems a somewhat less outlandish claim, which I don’t believe could ever have been anticipated five years ago when this started.

Grade A 

[tonyglowheart]

This entire thing is a rant, feel free to ignore it, but I saw your post about how destiel fans can’t win in this context, and yeah. So have some rambles.

I’ve been thinking about the fact we (current spn/destiel fans) can’t win all night... I’ve seen so many people talking about how homophobic it is - and while I would very much like to argue, as every point I’ve seen made by a non-spn fan has been wrong so far, if I did everyone inside the fandom would agree and everyone outside would either call me straight or pity me for believing it’s okay.

(Cas wasn’t even sent to hell lmao. He was sent to angel death (the empty), a place he has escaped in the past. Other points, like that meta about spn has been predicting exactly this for months, that Dean ended up sobbing on the floor because he was so upset, like that death means next to nothing on spn, like that there is two episodes left, etc etc. you feel me right? I just don’t want to post wank to other spn blogs atm, we’re getting enough frustration as it is, no need to add to it.

It’s also worth pointing out that the bar is very, very low. Spn is a prominent TV show - not a Netflix show, or indie, or whatever - and it just said “main character in gay love saved the world”. [insert gif of ghostfacers dude saying that gay love can pierce through the veil of death and save the day here]

I just saw someone saying that spn having Naomi try to brainwash Cas out of loving dean makes spn homophobic (it is a conversion therapy parallel). My first response to that is that Naomi was the villain lmao? I guess we can’t write villains doing anything homophobic because having villains do homophobic things makes, uh - checks notes - villains look homophobic, and clearly we can’t have that.

There certainly are legitimate things to criticise spn about, but this isn’t it lol.

Also now some people are unironically trying to cancel Jensen because “his acting was homophobic, and so he’s clearly homophobic”, nevermind that he’s an actor and his character struggles with understanding his emotions (which I think he played excellently, myself. That scene had a very Dean delayed emotional response), nevermind the support he’s given to us queers in the past. Like. Idek man.

We would have been laughed at if we got no destiel, too.

It would have been worse, had the writers pulled a dumbledore. At this point I also trust the writers not to pull a GoT - they have explicitly criticised that ending in spn’s canon.

Spn’s writers did that by making the main villain of this season, Chuck / God, say GoT had a good ending. To reiterate a previous point I had: villains do bad things because they’re bad. And the bad things they do make them bad. For the people out there not still following, if someone does something in a story and it makes them a villain, that is explicitly telling you the story (and probably the writers) thinks that thing is bad. In this case, Chuck likes to write things for him, and we the audience have been shown and told that is bad.

Apparently thinking a gay confession is good in 2020 makes me straight. Seems unlikely, but whatever. Sorry for the length, I guess I went overboard, I’ve been holding it in lol. Anyway, DESTIEL IS CANON 💚💙 hope you have a good night

Helloo supernatural anon I hope you are living your best life right now. Yeah I’m like..... skeptical and leery myself but having lived through some absolute garbage discourse that is general purity wank, as well as the C/QL greater fandom here and on Twitter I find myself... much more wanting to question the “general wisdom” of things esp in terms of negativity, bc a lot of the time I find.... it’s wrong? Like so wrong. Or at least presents such an incomplete picture of the whole situation and also presents it in such a removed context that words that have meaning and are operationalized in a certain way for a reason, no longer have meaningful usage.

Anyway I don’t... know too much about the specifics of Spn but someone I follow is into it and talks a lot about the Gnostic stuff and that all was very fascinating to me, and I also have been grappling a lot with cultural Christianity bc of cmedia and the way ppl just *clenches fist* unthinkingly or uncritically slap some Christian norms on it and call it a day 😩 help I’m Tired. My thing here being... I actually got tired of the uncritical “superhell”s at some pt bc I am, in fact, incredibly exhausted with cultural Christianity, and because it does seem like, even possibly(?) without the Gnostic stuff it’s different from a “hell” or other Protestant-derived afterlife concept, and also yeah that it wasn’t seeded out of nowhere, it was set up to happen, which then... lends credence to the idea that whatever the current era of Spn is doing, the current showrunners are doing it with purpose.

And idk I just... refuse to believe the concept that ALL of the fans of Spn - esp the ones who have been following it still, or got back into it and are following it currently, are acting under delusion or are fooling themselves into liking it or thinking it’s good or whatever. I personally find that kinda infantilizing and patronizing and playing into issues of dismissing things women and/or other marginalized identities like.

Plus I find the concept that (from what I think I’ve been seeing Spn fans say) that the current era of the show is quite actively grappling with itself, its past, its legacy. to be very interesting and compelling; it hearkens back to like an old lore kind of feeling, of a thing that has grown into a nigh undefeatable monster and realizing that, also realizing that the only way to defeat itself is through grappling with its own nature and transforming and transmuting itself into something else. I personally find that more plausible and compelling than “Supernatural has been actively and continuously queerbaiting for 15 homophobic homophobic years., so right now we’re all very sorry for you because this maybe is no longer queerbaiting but it’s still homophobic and it can never be anything different ever.” I’ve been sort of tangentially aware of Spn thru the years and didn’t we agree, around the time of that in-universe play about Spn and with the lil Destiel shoutout, that Spn has come a ways as far as coming to terms with its fandom and working to treat its fans better? Why the sudden regression into “oh no, Supernatural is and forever will be homophobic and a hate crime”? 🤔 

The rest under a cut bc the ask is already long and then my rambling will get longer-

But yeah I mean..... I get that the legacy of Supernatural has been certifiably Rough, but I think people also forget how different of a time 2005 was? Hell, how different of a time 2015 was, even, prior to, say, Obergefell v. Hodges. Now I’m not saying that to blanket-excuse Supernatural, but like, you look at mainstream shows from the era and... there’s a lot of shit lmao. The fact that Supernatural has existed this long seems to me like.... maybe we CAN look at how it’s developed through the years vs just insisting it is what it was 15, 10, hell, 5 years ago. Especially since, to my knowledge, there’s been showrunner changes? Which seems to me like it would... affect things? I mean honestly, I remember back when I got into Spn for a hot second because of Castiel, I remember watching panel, Q&A, etc vids thru the years, and like... I thought we agreed that... it was the fans who were going a bit far pushing the shipping question like literally ALL the time to the actors, who are not in control of the show and.... like at the time.... that could have had personal implications for them? And yes homophobia bad, and people can still be allies despite that, but again like.... I do feel like - from what I’ve seen - that these guys were NOT ready to deal with a lot of that but they’ve (okay Jensen I’m talking about Jensen here) genuinely grown and learned? Also how many years ago was the essay autograph thing that people keep trotting out, like what year was it in and what year of spn was it, and what were the prevailing opinions on LGBT issues and bisexuality then.

I’ve been seeing some murmurings of identity politicsing surrounding ppl who enjoy Supernatural, and I’m sorry that that’s happening to you, it really fucking sucks and it’s also the dumbest way to “make” or “win” an argument because it shouldn’t ever be a final determiner, just factors to consider when considering what life experiences might have informed someone else’s PoV and views as well as maybe how you can better communicate with them. Instead of it being a “weapon” or “tool” to either dismiss someone or de facto validate an argument.

Also yeah I get it that you don’t want to send discourse to spn blogs bc I imagine you guys ARE actively grappling with all the bs rn and it’s a lot. Even just from like, the stuff I see around, I’m like tired of it. I’m genuinely having more fun with ppl who are having a good time with Supernatural than the ppl who are hating on it, even in this sort of backhanded “oh we’re not clowning YOU we’re clowning the writers and showrunners who think you should be satisfied with this,” when... yeah? the people who HAVE been watching the show and therefore... know what’s up.. DO seem to be? And all this based on *fake gasp* context. And that’s where the backhandedness becomes kind of poisonous to me, because it implies that it IS bad, and that you SHOULDN’T be satisfied, but poor little you are but don’t worry, we’re not making fun of YOU for liking garbage, you’re just the hapless victim who is consuming the garbage bc... idk, whatever reasons ppl are coming up with ig.

idk man it’s 2020. Fandom isn’t activism, performative or otherwise, it’s okay to let people enjoy things even if you think they’re “objectively” bad, and like... I don’t know if people can call something bad when they’re not even working with the whole context and instead are dealing with rumor and reputation. 

[kpopfanfictrash]

A Lie of Omission

Author: kpopfanfictrash 

Creative Content Contributor: @baebae-goodnight (thank u for this moodboard I keep using bc it’s so good)

Pairing: You / Jimin

Rating: PG-13 [ fluff + enemies to lovers!AU + Hogwarts!AU ]

Word Count: 3,655

Summary:  A series of drabbles about Slytherin!Jimin and Hufflepuff!Y/N, the sister of his self-declared mortal enemy.

A/N: These drabbles are non-sequential.

“I’m not going,” you mutter, slumped low in your chair. Before you, the Hufflepuff common room fire roars cheerily, as only a Hufflepuff fire can.

Sandra sits in the chair next to you, scribbling notes on a fresh sheet of parchment. “And why not?” she hums, not looking up from her book. “Why aren’t you attending the Yule Ball, again?”

“Because,” you inform, groaning out loud. “In order to attend, I would need a date.” Slouching even lower, you stare at the flames of the fire. “And in order to have a date, someone would need to ask me.”

Finally, Sandra snaps the book shut. “Ridiculous,” she announces.

Glancing sideways, you frown. “There’s no boggart here, San.”

Sandra rolls her eyes. “Not Riddikulus, I am calling you ridiculous. As in, your way of thinking is absurd.”

Slightly offended, you push yourself higher. “And how am I being absurd?” you demand, crossing both arms over the table. “I would be fine going solo, if anyone else were. But even you have a date,” you complain, nudging her elbow. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for you and Hoseok but it leaves me as the third wheel. That’s no fun.”

Sandra sighs, poking you back. “That leaves you as a chicken, not the third wheel.” Standing up from the table, she stretches both arms overhead. “If you really don’t want to go, you don’t have to. But you’re selling yourself short here – there are plenty of guys without dates. Or,” Sandra brightens, “you could ask Lucas to set you up with someone! What about Seokjin, in Gryffindor? He’s super dreamy, and isn’t he close to your brother?”

With a grimace, you shrug. “I guess so, but Lucas’ friends all see me as a kid.” With hesitance, you remove a certain not-friend of Lucas’ from mind. “I would sooner die than attend the Yule Ball with Seokjin and have him curse potential suitors because their ties were askew, or something.”

Sandra snorts, picking up her bag. “Well,” she accepts. “You’re on your own, then. I just feel like this is a total waste of dress robes.”

Sighing dramatically, you stare into the fireplace. Sandra is correct, you know this – you are being a giant chicken. The Yule Ball does not happen often and Filch, along with the rest of the staff, have been decorating for weeks. It has become somewhat dangerous to venture down a hallway alone, for fear of mistletoe popping into being above you.

With a twist of your lips, you scan the common room and consider your options. By the fireplace stands Greg, a fellow Sixth-year in a few of your classes. He is nice enough, semi-cute and you hear he is not taking anyone to the ball yet. When you open your mouth to mention his name as an option, Sandra cuts you off.

“Not Greg,” she responds, shoving books in her bag. When you blink up at her, Sandra laughs and shrugs. “Sorry, I saw you looking. But anyways, Greg asked Julie Quinn to the Yule Ball this morning.”

“Oh,” you exhale, slumping back in your seat. “Then I guess I’m screwed, huh?”

Even as you bemoan, a nagging voice inside you whispers you could always ask Jimin. The two of you have not spoken for weeks, not since you realized during your last um, meeting that you were becoming too attached to said fuck buddy. Shifting uncomfortably, you attempt to push his face from mind. Jimin has not asked anyone else to the ball the last that you heard and you cannot help but wonder if this is because of you.

It is a silly thought, a baseless one and you banish it instantly. Jimin does not care and yet, for some reason you continue to wonder. Your relationship has been clear from the start. A way for him to get off, and a way for you to get practice – but now, you find yourself staring down at the table. Towards the end, it seemed as though there might be more. Jimin lingered once or twice after you hooked up, helped you with spells a couple of times and then there was the feeling you had, when Jimin fucked you from behind and pulled you against his chest.

Pressing your thighs tightly together, you attempt to forget the brush of his lips on your neck, his hands hot on your body. It felt strangely intimate, in a way it never had before and you do not know what to do with that piece of information. Shaking your head, you look up from the table. Sandra is right about two things, although she does not realize that fact.

You are being a chicken about the ball, just as you are being a chicken about Park Jimin. You should have told him you did not want to see him and instead, you fed him excuse after excuse. None of which were truthful. It is only – you did not want to tell Jimin it is over. You still do not want to tell Jimin it is over.

Why that is so, you have not allowed yourself to consider.

Drumming your fingertips over the table, you stare into the fireplace and frown. “I don’t think I’m going to go,” you announce. “I’ll just stay in the common room, conjure some Butterbeer and drink myself to sleep, or something.”

“And miss the ball?” a voice asks, sliding into the empty chair at your table.

Both you and Sandra glance sideways, surprised to find none other than Kim Taehyung, Hufflepuff’s golden boy in the seat. He grins in your direction, shaking honeyed-blonde hair from his gaze.

Without meaning to, your heart beats a tiny bit faster. Upon your arrival at Hogwarts, Taehyung was one of the first people to be kind to you – to you, Y/N and not you, Lucas’ sister. He sat beside you during the sorting ceremony and cheered when you got into Hufflepuff after he did. Taehyung is sweet, kind and it does not help that he transformed overnight into one of the most attractive men you have ever laid eyes on.

“I – Taehyung,” you blink, surprised by the suddenness of his appearance. You two used to be close, but have not talked much in years. “How are you doing?”

“Oh, you know,” Taehyung sighs, waving a hand. “I’ve been better. Been so busy studying for exams, the ball completely slipped my mind.”

“Oh?” Straightening, Sandra stares meaningfully at you. “Does that mean you don’t have a date, Taehyung?”

Sadly, he shakes his head. “Afraid not,” Taehyung explains, peering at you from beneath his lashes. “And – not to be weird, but did you just say the same, Y/N?”

Staring, heat creeps up the back of your neck. Things are a bit fuzzy and for a moment, you are about to say yes – until Jimin’s face flashes, unbidden, through your mind. With a frown, you attempt to shove this aside. Jimin is not relevant to this conversation, nor is he a realistic option.

Even if you two were more than fuck buddies – which you are not, you remind yourself – Jimin could never bring you as his date to the ball. For one, dances are not his scene and for another, Lucas would be absolutely furious. If his little sister were to show up on the arm of his mortal enemy, Lucas would lose his shit and to be honest, you could not blame him. Jimin has done some shitty things to him in the past (the spaghetti hair comes to mind) but then again, so has Lucas to Jimin.

Shaking free from your reverie, you glance at Taehyung. “I – uh, yeah,” you nod. “I wasn’t planning on going at all, actually.”

Taehyung seems surprised by this. “You’re not? Why?”

Slinging her bag over her shoulder, Sandra moves to leave. “Looks like I’m not needed here anymore,” she declares. “Y/N, I’ll be getting ready in the tower, okay?”

“Okay,” you agree, watching her go. Once she has disappeared, you return to Taehyung. “I don’t know,” you admit, trying not to look embarrassed. “I guess there was just no one I wanted to ask.”

“Oh.” Taehyung pauses, thoughtful. The yellow in his robe sets off the golden brown of his hair, making you stare. “What about me?”

“What about you?” you blurt out, surprised.

Taehyung chuckles, leaning in conspiratorially. “Would you want to go to the Yule Ball with me, Y/N?”

For a moment, you can only stare. “Are you shitting me?” you blurt, as Taehyung grins.

“No,” he insists, shaking his head. His expression turns incredulous. “Why would you think that? You don’t have a date, I don’t have a date and I’ve always liked you, Y/N.”

The way he says this – so easily, so casually, gives you pause. For a moment, you are floored. “As a friend?” you squeak out.

Taehyung blinks, his confidence somewhat shaken. “Yeah,” he breathes, tilting his head. “As a friend, I like you.”

His voice is soft, adamant and you stare at him for a moment. Jimin’s face flashes again through your mind, which is becoming annoying, to be honest. Here is a great guy, asking you to a dance and all you can think about is that tiny, little dent about Park Jimin’s lips.

It makes you tilt your chin up and nod. “Alright,” you say, standing up from the table. “I’d love to go with you, Taehyung.”

Expression brightening, he stands as well. “Great,” Taehyung beams. “I’ll meet you in the common room tonight, okay?”

“Sure,” you agree, turning to head towards the stairs. At the bottom, you pause with one hand on the railing. “My dress robes are silver,” you say, turning to face him. Taehyung smiles, having been caught watching you go. “In case you wanted to know.”

“Silver sounds good,” he responds, nodding as you turn and disappear out of view.

Sandra, obviously, is ecstatic about this turn of events. She helps you get ready, chattering incessantly about meaningless things while twisting your hair around competent fingers. At the end of it all, you barley recognize yourself in the mirror – in a good way. Marveling, you turn your face side to side and wonder what, exactly, Sandra did. Your eyes look larger, skin dewier and fresher.

“Wow,” you exhale, glancing at Sandra. “You outdid yourself.”

“Taehyung is gonna freak,” she grins.

She is not wrong, exactly. As you descend to the common room and find Taehyung and Hoseok already waiting, he does a double take at your entrance. “Wow,” Taehyung exhales, eyes wide. “Bet everyone is kicking themselves about not asking you first, huh?”

Ducking your head, you hide a smile. “Stop that,” you chide him, without really meaning it.

Taehyung laughs, taking your arm in his to exit the common room. A group of students head towards the Yule Ball together, talking and laughing the entire way to the Hall. Taehyung walks slower than the rest, falling behind so you can walk side by side.

“So,” he exhales, looking at you. He is beautiful in his slim, black robes and bright silver accents – Taehyung has always been adept at charms, you recall. “I’m glad you said yes. I don’t want you to think that… my bad timing means I’m any less happy to be here.”

He seems nervous, which is sweet and you smile. “You don’t need to explain anything,” you assure Taehyung, entering the Great Hall. “I’m just happy to be…”

You trail off when you see Jimin.

He looks up at the same time you do, freezing in place. While Taehyung recovered quickly from your visual though, Jimin remains frozen in shock.

He is alone, dressed entirely in black with nothing to accent his clothing. Despite this, you find you cannot look away. The blonde of his hair is swept back, a style Jimin seldom wears. You once told him you liked it. You wonder if he remembers.

Realizing you are motionless, you turn. You are not here alone, you remind yourself – Taehyung is your date and, looking upwards, you manage a smile. “The decorations are lovely,” you finish, lamely.

They are; this is true, but they are not the thing which makes your heart pound.

Taehyung glances around the room as you walk. “True,” he agrees, pulling you closer. It could just be your imagination, but you swear he looks at Jimin.

Jimin is not looking at you, though, having turned away as quickly as you did. When you leave, you glance backwards to spot him taking a sip of his drink. Jimin’s grip on the glass is tight, his jaw is clenched and you worry about this for a moment before turning away.

Tonight, Jimin is not your problem.

“Punch?” Taehyung offers, coming to a stop at the bowl.

Gently, you nod and remove your arm from his grasp. “Please,” you agree.

For the first time, you notice the room you are in. The Great Hall has truly been transformed overnight. Great, sparkling icicles hang down from the ceiling and golden baubles float by, dancing on air. The room is spiced somehow and you draw in a deep breath, reveling in the crisp feeling of winter.  

Leaning forward, Taehyung hands you a cup. “Y/N?” he asks, a note of concern in his voice.

Startled, you did not realize you were staring elsewhere. “Sorry,” you respond, accepting the drink. “I was just... looking at the decorations.”

Chuckling quietly, Taehyung follows when you exit the table. “Right,” he nods, glancing at you. “You do seem kind of distracted, Y/N. Maybe I’m overstepping, but… was there someone else you were hoping would ask you?”

The way he says this, with a gentle arch of his brow, makes you wonder if he knows. You wonder if Taehyung saw the way you stared at Jimin when you entered; stomach sinking, you hope he did not because Taehyung does not deserve that.

Tonight, he is your date and you resolve to be better. “I,” you exhale, shrugging a shoulder. “Maybe, yes. There was someone else. But the point is – he didn’t ask me, right?”

Shyly, Taehyung ducks his head. “I guess,” he admits, glancing up. “I’m glad you’re here with me, anyways.”

Warmth spreads through your chest, a second away from something more when a hand closes over your elbow. You whirl, expecting to see Jimin and instead, find your brother.

“I need to talk to you,” Lucas hisses. Glancing over your shoulder, he spots Taehyung and forces a smile. “I’m sorry, man. Could you give me a minute alone with my sister?”

Taehyung slowly nods, looking to you for approval. “If Y/N wants to, sure.”

Gratefully, you appreciate his distinction of word choice. “Yeah,” you agree, allowing Lucas to pull you sideways. “I’ll be right back, okay?”

Taehyung nods, watching you go as Lucas drags you across the length of the Great Hall. “Ow,” you complain, turning to swat at his arm. “Watch the robe, Lucas. I’m – oh,” you blink, as he suddenly turns.

“Is it true?” Lucas demands. He glares at you down the slope of his nose.

Staring back, uncertainty unfurls in your stomach. “Is what true?” you ask, suddenly afraid what he means.

Lucas could not know about Jimin; that would be impossible. You have not seen Jimin in weeks and the last time you two hooked up, no one saw. Your stomach churns though, wondering if you messed up. Perhaps someone saw you both exit the classroom; maybe someone saw, and maybe someone told Lucas.

Rolling his eyes, your brother lets out a huff. “Is it true,” he repeats, “that mom sent candy cane cookies in the holiday packages?”

A bubble of relief pops inside. “Oh my god,” you complain, pushing his hand from your arm. “Are you serious, Lucas? You’re pissed off at me because of candy cane cookies?”

“Ah!” Lucas declares, pointing a finger. “So, it is true! I should have known the moment you offered to pick up my package from the Owlery! I should have known when you took two days to give me mine! You stole my cookies, didn’t you?” he demands, thoroughly cross.

Fleetingly, it crosses your mind that if Lucas is so mad about this, god knows what might happen were he to ever find out about Jimin. This thought makes your stomach sink, heart twisting for reasons you do not understand. If Lucas is so mad over stolen cookies, you can only imagine how hurt he would be if you – literally – slept with the enemy.

Slowly, you swallow. The corners of your eyes burn and for the first time tonight, you regret accepting Taehyung’s invitation. He is a nice guy, yes but he is not – stopping yourself, you do not think his name.

“Fine, whatever,” you exhale, returning to Lucas. “Yes, I ate the dumb cookies. I’ll have mom make you more, okay?”

Lucas squints. “With extra sprinkles and frosting?”

“Yes, your highness.”

He grins, folding his arms. “Okay, fine. I declare this sibling fight over.”

“Was there ever one to begin with?” you groan, patting his cheek as you move to walk past. “Anyways, you can consider the delay in cookies payback!” you call over your shoulder, stepping out of the alcove.

“For what?” Lucas responds, his expression one of pure disbelief.

“Remember that time you broke my Rememberall?” you yell, nearly out of earshot.

“We were five!” Lucas cries, as you slip around the corner.

Laughing, you move until someone else grabs your elbow. Really, you think as you are tugged into a hallway, this is starting to become an unfortunate habit.

Jimin pushes you against the wall. “Hey,” he exhales, before kissing you.

You yelp, a tiny noise of exclamation before sinking into his kiss, thoroughly distracted by how good he feels. Without thinking, your arms rise to wrap around his neck and pull him closer. The stone behind you is cold; rough, like his hands on your body, so eager to have you.

“W-wait,” you gasp, turning your head.

Releasing a groan, Jimin’s fists clutch at your robes. “What is it?” he mumbles, pressing his lips to your neck.

Eyes fluttering, you let your head hit the wall. Jimin feels so good, you are drowning in him after being apart for so long. Something twists in your stomach at this, realizing how regularly you met up with him before.

“Jimin,” you exhale, panting from only his kiss. His hands fumble at your dress robes, needing you closer. “We can’t.”

“Oh, I disagree,” he laughs, gently caging your hips with his own. “The way you look tonight – shit, Y/N.” He says your name in a whine, a desperate groan of desire. “I’ve wanted you since you walked through the door.”

“I-I’m on a date,” you blurt out, silencing him.

Jimin slowly opens his eyes. “Oh,” he responds, careful.

Chest rising and falling, you stare at him through the silence. “I’m here with someone else, Jimin,” you mutter, not knowing where else to look. “I know that we fuck around, sometimes – but not here, okay? Not while my date is waiting for me out there.”

Jimin stiffens. “Right,” he responds, entirely unreadable. There is something dark, almost angry to his gaze. “Right, of course. We only fuck sometimes.”

When he says the last two words, they sound like a mockery. Frowning, you search his face for an answer. “I,” you pause. “I don’t know what you mean by that.”

After a brief pause, Jimin wrenches himself away. Shoving his hand through his hair, he looks out at the Hall. People are dancing now, whirling around the decorations in couples and partners.

“Sure,” Jimin states, oddly cold. This is when you realize that before, he was not cold. In the past few months, Park Jimin has not been cold to you at all. “Of course, you wouldn’t.” Jimin turns back to you. “Why are you here with him, anyways?”

For a moment, you can only stare. “I – what do you mean? Because Taehyung asked me, that’s why.”

Jimin’s eyes narrow, as he takes a step closer. “And why have you been avoiding me, then?”

“I haven’t been avoiding you,” you respond, automatic.

He snorts. “Don’t bullshit me, Y/N. It won’t work.”

Staring at him, you consider your words. “Fine,” you respond through gritted teeth. If you wanted to, you could reach out and kiss him, but you do not. “I haven’t wanted to hook up lately, that’s all.”

At this, Jimin’s nostrils flare. “Oh?” he responds, sounding strangled. “And why is that? Because of Taehyung?”

He looks up to scan the hall but you do not follow his gaze. “Maybe,” you grind out, so angry your blood boils. Every inch of you aches for him. “Why do you care, anyways?”

“I don’t care,” grunts Jimin, grabbing your waist. He yanks you forward, chests thudding together as a tiny moan escapes you. Jimin pushes a hand through your hair, dislodging bobby pins as he hovers over your ear. “I just,” he murmurs, softer. “Why him?”

“What?” you freeze, heart catching.

Jimin inhales, his breath shaky. “Why… him?”

Slowly, you turn your head to look at him. Jimin stares back, unabashed. “Who else?” you ask him, confused.

For a long moment, Jimin does not respond. Then, his grip tightens briefly on your waist before releasing. “If,” Jimin hesitates, glancing around. Never before, have you seen him look like this – uneven, uncertain. “If you have to ask me that, then you’re right. I don’t care.”

With that, he spins on his heel and stalks out of the hall.

You stare after him, finding it difficult to breathe and wondering what in the hell just happened. You did the right thing, you remind yourself. Lucas would have been livid, if he found out and you were growing too attached. Jimin means nothing to you in the long run.

And yet – if Jimin truly meant nothing to you, your heart would not constrict so tightly. Your legs would not shake as they do and you would not reach out to steady yourself on the wall.

You would not feel as though your entire world has crumbled, simply because Jimin said he does not care.

A/N: [ Master List ]

© kpopfanfictrash, 2019. Do not copy or repost without permission.

[dawnfelagund]

So I just listened to your presentation about the Tolkien fandom - which is really good btw, very informative - and the point that transformational fanfiction is mostly female got me thinking (mainly bc in my experience fanfiction in general seems more female, I have knowingly read only three authors who identified as male). Do you think that's bc most fandoms have a distinct lack of fem characters, so fem writers have an incentive to write transformational fics that male writers don't?

Oh my, oh my this is such a good question that I fear I will not answer it as well as it deserves. But I’ll try!

(Here is the presentation mentioned in the ask, for anyone who wants context. Both video and text are available at the link.)

Why transformational fandom trends female is complicated and has been the subject of much discussion/debate since the advent of fanfic studies back in the early ‘90s. Early scholarship focused on women using fanfic to expand the original texts so that the better reflected the women/author’s own experiences, especially where emotions and relationships were concerned. From Jenkins’ Textual Poachers (1991):

Fans want not simply internal consistency but also what Ien Ang has described as “emotional realism.” Ang (1985) suggests that Dallas fans viewed the program not as “empirically” true to real-world experiences of upper-class Texans but rather as “emotionally” true to the viewers’ personal lives…. (107)

Female readers entered directly into the fictional world, focusing less on the extratextual process of its writing than on the relationships and events. … The female reader saw her own “tacit inferences” as a legitimate part of the story …. Moreover, male readers tended to maintain the narrative’s pre-existing focus on a central protagonist, while female readers expressed a greater eagerness to explore a broader ranger of social relationships …. (108-9, citing David Bleich [1986])

Camille Bacon-Smith, author of Enterprising Women (also 1991) writes:

Fanwriters, like soap opera fans, want to see characters change and evolve, have families, and rise to the challenge of internal and external crises in a nonlinear, dense tapestry of experience. Whether because of innate qualities or socialization, women perceive their lives in this way, and they like to see that structure reproduced in their literature. The writing experience becomes one of participation in the lives of the characters. (64)

Jenkins and Bacon-Smith really established fanfic studies as we know it, so I include these ideas to show how foundational they are and, I believe, underlie more recent resistant/reparative motives. Underlying this early assumption is that mainstream media and literature doesn’t represent the experiences of women, so we have to create it ourselves. Hence what we’d now call transformational fandom: the shifting of authority onto the fanwriter to rework a fictional universe according to her own experience of reality. I think this holds true in Tolkienfic fandom, although it is more complex than the theories above (rooted in media, not book, fandom) suggest, in that my research shows that Tolkienfic authors engage in much more negotiation with canon details and (most importantly) Tolkien’s authority. In other words, they care about how to create that “emotional realism” but within the confines of the canon, which many would take to include Tolkien’s views, unstated in the texts, on the canon and even his moral prerogatives.

My sense is that there is a definite connection between the early ideas of women creating fanworks to see their realities and experiences represented in the fictional universes they love and the present-day idea of fanfiction as a form of resistant reading. (Here, I am perfectly willing to have my hand smacked by people better versed in fan studies history if I’m mangling or missing key pieces of the relationship between these two schools of thought. Just speak up.) Because part of the experience of being a woman is opening a history book and not seeing the lives of women represented or going to a film where women usually make up a minority of the cast (and are often cast into stereotyped roles). Part of our experience as Tolkien fans is coming to terms with our love of a book (LotR) where, to borrow the wince-inducing stat cited by Una McCormick, there are more named horses than women. (The Silmarillion fares better in terms of named women but still isn’t great, as I have argued elsewhere, in providing those named women with roles and agency equal to that of the men.)

(Here I’m going to focus on the Tolkienfic fandom. I know your question was broader than that, but I study the Tolkienfic fandom, and as a fan, I’m monofandom myself, so I’m hesitant to speak about the norms and practices in other fandoms, nor am I as familiar with their scholarship. Others with insights about other present-day fandoms, please do add on.)

Una McCormick has a fabulous essay in Perilous and Fair that positions Tolkienfic as a form of what she calls “reparative reading”:

The complexity of such reading and writing practices and the ambivalence of the creative labor involved in making repairs upon such texts have driven some women readers to find a presence for themselves in The Lord of the Rings through writing fanfiction as a creative-critical response to Tolkien’s text. By weaving female characters into the familiar narrative, or else focusing upon marginalized characters such as nurses, servants, and non-combatants, these authors write themselves–or those like themselves–into the events of the War of the Ring. (310)

Una is a fanfic writer herself and a Tolkien scholar, and her work is unique in this sense, because she is intimately familiar with the Tolkienfic community as a participant and also because she has written one of the rare fanfic studies pieces focusing exclusively on our fandom. However–and I don’t think Una would disagree–reparative reading is just a part of Tolkienfic fandom, so I don’t think it fully explains the “transformational is female” trend. It is certainly part of it. My survey data shows a strong interest among Tolkienfic authors; 78% agree that “Writing fan fiction lets me explore the perspectives of female characters.” (80% of readers “like reading fan fiction about female characters.”)

What is interesting is that there is not a big difference in how women and men respond to the statement “Writing fan fiction allows me to explore the perspectives of femalecharacters.” 78% of women agreed; 73% of men agreed. Where there is a significant difference: 90% of nonbinary survey participants agreed with this survey item. (It’s worth noting that the sample of men was small. Less than 4% of survey participants identified as male.)

I also feel that I have to note that, historically, Tolkienfic fandom has had contingents hostile to including women characters in Tolkien-based fanfiction. Many who started in the fandom when I did (mid-2000s) will remember when “OFC = Mary Sue” (itself a term that I find sexist since the number of scrawny, nerdy dudes who become superheroes in comics attests that adding a dose of Awesome to a whopping pile of Ordinary is not inherently deserving of derision), and many people avoided writing women characters because they were a flame magnet. Key to this piece of history, too, is that, in my experience, the detractors and bullies of creators who wrote about women? Were, like the rest of the Tolkienfic fandom, a majority women. This was not guys trying to preserve a boys-only treehouse in the canon; this was women policing other women’s production of fanfiction, often using the canon itself as a tool to do so.

It’s also worth noting that changes in fandom perception of women characters has been due to the concerted effort of fans to draw attention to sexism in the canon and in the fandom and to celebrate fanworks that feature strong women characters. @vefanyar‘s concept of the textual ghost is the prime example in my mind, in that she not only drew attention to the problems in the canon–simply scrolling through her Textual Ghost Project is a visually provoking experience–but the potential for fanworks creators to address those problems in the reparative way that Una McCormick identifies. @vefanyar, among others, has paired this work with the canon with a concerted, years-long effort to encourage and celebrate fanworks about Tolkien’s women, creating a climate where, finally, it feels like writing about women comes with more rewards than risks.

So. To conclude. I think that the scholarship, my data, and my own experience as a Tolkienfic author/archive owner points to an answer to “Why is transformational fandom overwhelmingly female?” in the context of Tolkienfic fandom, as: It’s complicated. Yes, some of us are working to address the inequality both in the number and quality of female characters in the canon. But as my presentation states, this is just a partial picture because Tolkienfic fandom is not fully transformational, and women are attracted to this fandom for reasons that have nothing to do with establishing gender parity in the canon. I earlier held up the stats of 78% of authors (and 80% of readers) enjoying fanfiction about women to suggest that there is an interest in telling women’s stories in the fandom, but I’d also say that the one in five not interested (or not sure if they’re interested) in stories about women aren’t insignificant. This is still a sizable contingent of the fandom, a majority of whom are women. The desire to produce transformational fanworks runs deep in women fans and may hearken back to Jenkins’ and Bacon-Smith’s broader ideas about women’s experiences, may suggest a difference in how girls/women are socialized, may reflect barriers to entering more affirmationally oriented fan communities, or may come down to something else (like the social/community aspect of fandom) entirely.

[holocene-days]

hey jemma, would really love some tips about how you've been figuring yourself out, would love to get to that place but difficult to know where to start

ahh hi! 

i should probably preface this by saying that this has been a hella long process that’s taken place over the past 2 years. 

a lot of this post is gonna be me talking about my experiences bc i’m not really good at the whole second person advice thing. so i hope this is helpful in some way!! also lol sorry this got really long, i just had lots of thoughts 

*tw mention of eating disorders, nothing too in depth but just like talk about anorexia and such things*

i kinda started this journey in fall of 2017 when i realized i had lost myself and was struggling severely with an eating disorder and went to see the therapist at my uni who specializes in eating disorders. she diagnosed me with anorexia which was like a major wake up call and i was like jfc who am i what am i doing to myself how did i get this way. i had lost over 20 pounds and was completely focused on how i looked and i felt so out of control of my life and my desires and ambitions that i coped with it through controlling my weight and how i looked. long story short, saw this therapist through fall of 2017 and at the beginning of december had a breakthrough, which was when i said “i don’t want to be thin, i want the things i think being thin will get me”, thus the start of my recovery began. 

i then spent 8 months of 2018 studying abroad in london and traveling around europe and met the most amazing people and had some of the best experiences of my life (shout out to my girls matilde @timobeechalamet and megan @blxckisthecolor) and because i was so focused on traveling and school i didn’t really have any sense of self, which actually was quite beneficial because i was trying to recover from this traumatic thing and the distraction of travel and school were very helpful.

went back to the states in dec and graduated from uni this may. spent my last semester focused on myself and finishing my degree and spending lots of time with my friends. and here’s where i really started to work on myself.

i’ve always had lots of anxiety around school and perfection (which is why i initially started seeing a therapist 4 years ago) and it took me a lil while but i’ve realized that i don’t feel these kinds of pressures anymore because i’m out of this environment which was stifling and stressful, i’m able to be myself more. which brings us up to the present day where i now feel like i have the time and comfortable environment to enjoy myself and explore new things.

1. focus on your passions. what do you love? what do you love to do? are there classes you can take to learn more? books you can read? my big love is acting so i got a degree in it and then went to LA this summer for a month and a half to go to a film acting school and through that program learned SO much about what i want from myself as an artist. i watch lots of movies and series. find way to incorporate what you love into your daily life. take just 30 minutes for it and just focus on it. i find that keeping a tag on here of things that inspire me artistically can be really helpful bc if i’m ever feeling uninspired or stuck i can go back and look through the posts and get mentally back on track with my passion.

2. writing. i’ve been keeping a journal since i was about 15. i don’t really make diary entries in it but i love lists and making lists about concepts or themes or aesthetics. i recently made a list of all of my favorite meals this way in case i don’t know what to make, i have a basis to go back to of things i know my body loves. some nights i just come up with an idea and i take out my journal and just write and don’t edit myself. just keep the ideas going. no detail is too small. it’s just really nice to have a place with all my thoughts and ideas and feelings. writing is really cathartic for me. 

3. bullet journaling. my bullet journal is separate from my other journal and in it i keep my month and mind in check. i draw out each month and write down thoughts and goals of things i want to do for the month. i have pages about the law of attraction and new things i want to try and quotes about acting and being an artist. it’s such a great way for me to customize my life in a sense and have a book of my current life and thoughts to refer to.

4. your space. i am that girl who always has clothes on her bedroom floor, and everything is typically very messy. but that shit stresses me out so much. and so in an effort to try to have more peace in my life, i’m trying to do better about it. literally yesterday i deep cleaned and redecorated half of my bedroom and put in a bookshelf from my dad’s office and put lots of plants and books on it and wow it really transformed my room. it was SUCH a simple thing that took like an hour but really changed the whole vibe of my room. your room is you lil home in ur apartment or house and it needs to be your happy, chill space where you feel comfortable. putting in effort in your room seriously changes so much about your mental attitude. i’m trying to get in the habit of making my bed each morning and it’s been v helpful!!

5. ya body. i think taking care of your body is so incredibly important in your self discovery journey because it affects how your brain works and your outlook on yourself and the greater world. bc of my ed my sense of body has been real fucked for so long (i’m talking like 10 years :))))) ). here’s how i got to a better place with it 1. lots of therapy lol. 2. reminding myself that my body is a living, breathing animal that requires food to function and movement to feel good. breaking the idea of movement (i.e. working out) away from the idea of being skinny has been hard but intensely helpful and effective in the way i view my body. i focus on movement. not working out, not burning calories. things like walking, biking, dancing, ice skating are all physical activities i really enjoy that don’t feel like working out. food is a whole other beast. i totally still struggle with food sometimes but it’s getting better. i’ve been focusing a lot on intuitive eating over the past couple months (these posts by @heavyweightheart have been so incredibly helpful in teaching me about this) and that food list i made a few days ago is also really helpful. my advice would be eat what feels good to your body and makes you have energy and feel good. stay active in your life and move in ways that also feel good. the more i take care of my body, the better my mind feels and the more in touch with myself i am.

6. back off instagram. that shit is... not great. i mean, it def has its moments (and memes) but overall i just feel like insta is a place where people post photos of their “perfect life moments” and want their friends to validate it. and then there’s all those influencers on there and so many insta stories and it’s just really overwhelming. if you really like instagram and don’t feel like it’s anxiety inducing then def keep it! but also know that it’s okay to step back from it for a lil bit. it really helped me to feel more present and not continuously compare myself to others and feel a need to post if a cool thing happened. it’s been nice to be more private and keep things for myself. 

7. patience. remembering that things take time and what you want is achievable you just have to keep goings. try new things. change your approach, allow yourself to fail. learn from the failure and do better next time. 

8. kindness. towards yourself and others. really putting in the effort to be kind to people in your everyday life makes SUCH a difference and really brightens their day and yours as well. putting out good vibes brings back good vibes, which then allows you to feel better about yourself and more in tune with others around you.

i’m going to stop this here bc this is so fucking long at this point lol i’m so sorry for that but i hope some of this was helpful pls let me know!!

[firebirdsdaughter]

Ryusoulger Raw post #1…

… Will there be a #2? Who knows! Not me!

But I’m rather tired and I got really excited, so here ya go.

Spoilers abound.

In no order, and I apologise for any nonsense that may ensue:

We just go straight into the opening again. How they decide that? Flip a coin?

Recap the previous … Yay, Touwa’s not dead. I’m so shocked. XD

I’m kidding. But I don’t know why we needed Melto to tell us that.

Banba’s doing his arm folding thing again. Oh my god he’s pretty. DX

Kou smile!

Naohisa is back! And I still think I’m spelling that wrong…

Come to think of it… Who the hell did he take that stuff to? Where was he? Are he and the Elder in cahoots?

Actually, that’s… Not impossible.

Already know that it turns out they need a sample to make the antidote, so I presume that’s what he’s telling them.

Oh. Oh, yeah, pretty sure I was right. He looks gorgeous, but Banba is very much in pain right now. I mean, from his point of view, he just got told he destroyed the only way to save his brother. That’s gotta hurt. And he’s probably already blaming himself for letting this happen in the first place…

Ah! My little green gremlin son! DX

I already want to hug Banba, but now I really want to hug him. He looks so upset… All these kids have their own brand of puppy dog eyes, I think.

Poor Kou has spent roughly half of this two parter rushing after Banba whenever Black runs out the door abruptly. XD

Is… Is mushroom crayon man starting his own YouTube channel?

Gods, I really love mook suit actors in Sentai. Can always count on them for comic relief and just going all out in getting dramatically beat up.

Big Brother Mode –– ACTIVATED.

And now, in which, were it not for outside circumstance, Crayon would be dead.

The fact that Kou was like ‘likelihood I find Banba trying to kill something indicates I should transform even before I find him’ is hilarious to me.

I love the fact that Asuna and Ui spend the entire time sitting up and Banba spends it standing. Like, what, we couldn’t let these three lie down, too? I mean, I guess Touwa was the one who was bitten, but… Did no one really think to get Banba a chair?

Then again, would he have sat in it?

HOW DID KOU OPEN THE DOOR?

Banba is glaring like ‘if I wasn’t in literal agony right now and actually dying, I would so be killing all of you for this humiliation.’ Boy does not like having to be carried. XD

Shocked Kou is really cute and I want to pinch his cheeks. ^^

Banba might be dying of poison, but he still has to be grumpy. It’s his brand.

I hate the ‘poisoned’ Toku makeup, but even it cannot stop Tatsuya from being amazingly beautiful. XD

Hmm… Well, Melto just said something that made Banba think of something. Not sure what though.

Smiley Kou! ^^

Congrats, Melto! You have now been promoted to being directly addressed!

Banba, I’m sure you have something important to say, but… Do you have to almost threateningly lurch over here to say it?

Why are y’all goofing off like this all of a sudden?

Crayon, don’t break the fourth wall, you disturb me.

Okay, given context, what I think Melto says is that Banba told him where he found the Minusaur before.

Context bc the two of them immediately run there.

Crayon says something about ‘otoutou�� but I don’t know if that meant what I thought it meant?

Dude, I know you’re goo, but… Seriously? Don’t put your hand in an untrained animal’s mouth.

You go, boys! ^^

Aaaaand… Melto’s down!

Actually, though, out of all of them, Melto’s the one being most crazy whilst dying of poison… Like he got back up and was fighting untransformed. Yes, Kou let himself get bitten, but let’s give Melto some credit, too.

I really think Banba would have been more inclined to wait and give them more of a chance if it weren’t for Touwa. But Touwa is the most important person to him in the world, and, coupled w/ his other trust issues, he’s scared to rely on, essentially, strangers for this.

But, more importantly, where was he keeping the sword??? In his sleeve?

Same place Akashi kept Zuuban, I suppose.

Yeah, this is a perfect storm of Banba is afraid to trust or have faith in anyone else and the fact that the person he would absolutely sacrifice everything for is at risk.

I really want to know what Banba and Touwa say in this scene… Like, I think I get what Asuna says, she’s saying that she has faith in Kou and Melto, and they should, too, but… I dunno. Maybe it’s nothing. Maybe it’s Maybel––wait, no.

But, like… Banba seems like he’s having some sort of dramatic reaction to what Touwa is saying? And whether that’s just floating drama bc they’re all dying of poison and he’s desperate to save his brother or whatnot, or if there’s something big here… I wanna know! DX

Pretty sure he’s saying if they all die there’d be no one to stop the Druidon. But I still think that he’d be more willing (even if only incremently so) to wait it out if it were just him and/or some combination of the others. Touwa being in danger (and him probably blaming himself for part of it) is likely throwing him even more off balance.

So, we all know from the magazine that Banba doesn’t trust anyone but Touwa bc he was betrayed before, and I definitely think this is setting up the path to that being revealed? If that makes sense? Hopefully they do it steadily/don’t wait too long.

Tatsuya still rocking the awful poison makeup like a boss. XD

I feel like you can see the switch flip when Asuna brings up believing/trusting the other two (at least, I presume that’s what she’s saying?). Like, by the end of her speech, Banba almost looks like he’s having war flashbacks or something? Esp when Touwa weighs in… I dunno how to describe it. Maybe after I’ve rested.

Oh, baby… He’s so upset and scared and in pain. Like, no, don’t stab the nice animal lady, but I do get you’re not rational rn…

That took tremendous effort. Like, he’s having to force himself to rely/something sort of like trust others. (I don’t think we can quite call it trust yet)

But he definitely looks like he’s having some sort of trauma reaction to the concept of ‘trust.’

Aaaaaand… Kou is down!

Aaaaaand… Kou has a dumb plan.

Throwing the sword was not necessary. You could have forced it to bite the sword.

WHY. WHY KEBABS. WHAT. WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING.

Also, nice save, Tyramigo!

Yes, yes, I see the Gold foreshadowing. But how deep does it go?

Melto’s like ‘I was afraid of you before, but not in that outfit, and not while I’m dying of poison.’

But also, WHY.

Banba can’t do anything w/out looking majestic. It’s in his contract. He’s the Knight of Majesty for a reason. XD

I feel like the other four are giving a speech, and then Banba’s just like ‘I’m only here bc I am thoroughly pissed off!’

I love MirNeedle and his honking noise.

He spin!

Double sword attack, while Banba and Asuna each get their own thing.

Also, only Touwa’s gets a cool name. XD

Touwa gets payback. ^^

Ui’s so perky. God love you, sweetie. Acting like you weren’t dying two minutes ago, too. <3

WHEN DID THEY GET IN THE AIR???

I feel like the sword is about to eat me…

For a balloon thing, that was pretty tame, actually.

Banba says something, and then Touwa, I think, something like, ‘don’t you mean ‘thank you’?’ and then Banba gets awkward and it’s SO CUTE! DX

Smiley Kou again!

Kou is like ‘we’re friends!’ and Banba is like ‘oh no, he’s adorable’ but then immediately switches back to ‘I’m sorry, you must be a level 4 friend to unlock my tragic backstory.’

Like, he literally stares at him for moment, like… I dunno. I’ll have to think more about what I think that moment means. He looks kinda… Shocked?

Then he, like, has to recollect himself to brush him off.

Did he just say that all in one breath?

Touwa’s shrug there tells me he either doesn’t know anything about the betrayal, or doesn’t know how badly it effected his brother. My guess is the former.

Love how the trio are already getting fond of Banba’s standoffishness.

They’re teasing her, but I can’t figure out about what…

Oh, I’m sorry, mr Elder whose wig doesn’t match? Are my sons not included in your cryptic prophesying? Well fine then. I’ll do it myself. XP

And believe me, they don’t want me doing that, so you’d better include my boys in whatever it is.

Well, the sisters are def suspicious, way frillier than I thought they’d be, and there seems to be a mind control plot? Wonder how the brothers are going to react to the apparent situation?

Sigh. Watching Sentai live is so painful. Now I have to wait until next week. DX

That’s all, folks! Digital chocolate torte for anyone who read all that.

Really tired, don’t have much else to say. Even more curious about Banba’s backstory. Pettily annoyed that whatever dramaticness the Elder was musing on at the end apparently doesn’t include my sons. (Petty, I know, but they’re Ryusoulgers, too, shouldn’t they be part of whatever yours prophesying? XP).

So, anyway. Curious about what these sisters are up to next week. Seems like their voices control people, or maybe I’m misinterpreting. Still loving this series.

Very tired.

[rorykillmore]

so this is a birthday present for @numinousbones  that also doubles as like. a general... congratulatory thing, i guess, because they’ve gotten through a lot this year and i wanted to do something nice for the end of their semester.

it also happened bc we haven’t rped together in ages now but we HAVE wistfully talked about a few ideas and dynamics and this crossover thing just kinda popped into my head. it will never rival the legendary transformers/grey’s anatomy masterpiece but ENJOY IT ANYWAY

storm...  i know life often seems like. A Lot right now for way too many reasons, but i have seen you persevere through so much and i will never stop admiring that about you. right now it might feel like there’s no end in sight but you’re so talented and so smart and so passionate and!! one day that’s all gonna come together and feel less like “persevering” and more like. living the life you deserve. okay this is getting way too sappy but i just felt like maybe you needed some sappy in your life, ANYWAYS. happy birthday!!! <3

Ivan Becke is dead before Villanelle can get to him.

It would actually be kind of cool, if the idea of competition didn’t piss her off so much. His throat has been cut, and the wound is neat and deliberate but a little too broad to be from the kitchen knife on the ground a few feet away.

Is it someone’s deliberate attempt at deception? It might work on a less trained eye, but she muses idly on why the other assassin would need to cover up their method if they were going to let him bleed out anyway.

She pouts down at the pale, lifeless face petulantly.  “Look at you. You’re a mess. See what happens when you don’t wait for me?”

As if she’d been planning on leaving him much better off.

Sighing, Villanelle begins to straighten up. Agitation and pent up energy cling to her like static electricity. She hates being denied a kill when she’s already built it up this much, it’s like --

“They told me to leave a mess. I’m usually much cleaner.”  A voice Villanelle doesn’t recognize echoes from -- not behind her, but in front of her, and she doesn’t know how she could have missed the figure in the shadows of the apartment, the pair of unnatural red eyes suddenly glowing back at her.  “Something about making an impression.”

Villanelle wonders whether this is one of those times - so frequent, in her line of work - when it’s better to shoot first and ask questions later. But what the mysterious assailant just said sinks in, and her curiosity gets the better of her. She straightens fully.  “Were you trying to show off for me?” she asks, mockingly flattered.

“...Hardly.”  The eerie gaze never leaves her.  “Or at least, strictly in the most professional sense.”

The figure ripples into full view, and Villanelle can’t him but start at it -- him? Openly. The other assassin is not a person, but a machine. A robot. He’s more cat-like than anything, although he’s much closer to the size of a car than a cat, and now Villanelle is certain there is no way she could have missed him unless he came equipped with some kind of... invisibility trick.  

There are a lot of questions she could ask, right in this moment. A normal person would have probably been sputtering with hundreds of them. But Villanelle knows she would not be the Twelve’s favorite if she was not so extraordinary with things like this: compartmentalizing shock, confusion, fear, no matter how unprecedented. 

So what she says instead is, “Wow. Wasn’t sending you kind of overkill?”

The robot-cat-assassin stares at her, unimpressed.  “Trust me. He wasn’t my usual variety of target.”

“Wait! Let me guess.” Villanelle hardly lets him finish.  “You’re here from the future. Your target was the father of some heroic asshole who’s going to lead a revolution, and you had to come all the way back here to stop him because just killing him as a baby would have been too easy, or something.”

She gets no response this time, but she swears something dubious flickers in the other assassin’s eyes.   “Seriously? You really need to be more genre-savvy.”

“Right,” the cat says. “You know, I don’t know how you can be half as effective as I’m told you are. You never seem to shut up.”

“I’m just trying to make conversation! Getting to know the people in your field is always so awkward.” She leans back on her heels, eyeing him speculatively, wondering what might be her best chance at taking him down if he proves to be a threat. She doesn’t have any weapons on her currently that seem as though they’d be remotely effective against a giant metal predator.  Perhaps she could try electrocuting him, but that would require some luck and some very quick thinking.  “Did the Twelve send you?  They’ve really been holding out on me.”

Some kind of bizarre, technological experiment on their part would be... well, maybe not the strangest thing Villanelle has ever heard, but up there. The other option is that someone else sent him, in which case her life is almost definitely in danger. She watches him carefully despite her casual outward demeanor.

“Not exactly.” The cat’s tail flicks slowly to one side, but he has yet to make a hostile move. “But it turns out that my superiors are interested in yours. Insofar as my superiors can be interested in yours.”

“Are they robots too?” Villanelle asks, taking his dig at the Twelve in stride.

He sniffs disdainfully.  “We’re not robots. We’re Cybertronians. Aliens, as you would call them.”

“Oh. Okay.” Villanelle guesses that isn’t really much weirder than assassin robots from the future. Or the secret, mechanical army the Twelve had suddenly been building in her head.  But a thought suddenly strikes her, and she leans in just a little, quirking a brow.  “Are you invading?”

The thought of the Twelve getting wrapped up in something like this is mildly hilarious. Villanelle can’t think of any other reason aliens would take such an immediate interest in them, though.

“It’s more complicated than that,” the cat says impatiently, which Villanelle is pretty sure is just bullshit. He probably just doesn’t want to admit that whatever devious scheme his superiors have conducted has been done a hundred times in science fiction movies before.  “We’re in the middle of a war, and we could use your organization’s information, and your resources. And no doubt you could use ours.”

There’s definite disdain dripping from his words, this time. Villanelle can’t help but grin a little.  “Oh, you hate this.”

“I’m not particularly fond of working with humans.”

“You’re so much better than us. So much older, so much more technologically advanced... right?”

“Something like that.”

“And yet... you and I do the same work.”

He eyes her coolly for a long moment.  “I do mine better.”

Villanelle laughs. She wanted to hate him - she really did - but he’s making it difficult for her.  “So why did you do this?” She gestures to the corpse on the floor.  “Why bother making an impression on an inferior species?”

Something rumbles in his throat, like a growl.  “Your handler seems to think that getting your attention is the only way to keep you manageable.”

Ah. That does sound like something Konstantin would say. But why --

“...And if we’re going to be working together, I had to think of something that wouldn’t necessitate immediately mauling you.”

Just like that, Villanelle’s smile drops. Working together?

“I work alone,” she states with simple finality.

“You think I like it any more than you do?” he snaps irritably. “Orders are orders. I hear you don’t like following them, but if you make this more difficult than it has to be - draw it out, make things complicated - I really will kill you.”

Inwardly, Villanelle seethes, though more of her anger is directed at Konstantin than her new coworker. He knows she doesn’t play well with others. What is he doing? What are the Twelve doing?

“It sounds like you know all about me already,” Villanelle notes with a clear voice and a smile that is now forced.  “What about you? Do I even get to know your name?”

He watches her for awhile without answering, and Villanelle suddenly starts to feel that he can see through her. She doesn’t like it.   “Ravage,” he says finally.

“Huh. Good name.”

“You may be obnoxious, but I know you’re also talented. For a human.” Ravage gives the half-compliment begrudgingly, seeming to relent a little, and Villanelle can’t help but feel suspicious of that too. “Don’t cause problems, and maybe we’ll even work halfway decently together. Then this will be over more quickly for both of us.”

Villanelle is already thinking of a million and one ways she can cause problems. But she sighs.  If nothing else, she’s curious about Ravage, the way he works, the way he kills. Maybe that will keep her entertained, for a little while.

At least until she gets her next chance to complain to Konstantin.

“Okay, partner!” she says at last, deliberately too cheery.  “What do you say we get out of here before this body starts to smell?”

“Technically, you all smell,” Ravage tells her. She shoots him an offended look.

“I do not smell. Badly, at least.”

“You’ve sprayed something chemical all over yourself. It almost drowns out the reek of your emotions.”

The idea that he can somehow smell her feelings brings Villanelle up short. 

Maybe she’ll start overdoing the perfume, from now on.

“Hey, you’re not going to do that invisibility thing again when we go outside, right?” she asks over her shoulder, heading for the fire escape and already filing away her prickling concerns.

“Yes, actually,” Ravage responds dryly. “Seeing as keeping a low profile would be ideal for both of us.”

“But then it’ll just look like I am talking to myself,” Villanelle complains. “I will look crazy!”

“I don’t think you need my help with that.”

Villanelle laughs again, because he hasn’t seen anything yet. Maybe while she’s trying to learn everything she can from Ravage, she’ll teach him a thing or two as well.

[shimmering-firmament]

:)

Being alone doesn't mean you are left behind nor forgotten. It's simply people using their time in a different way with you. We only need to respect each other bussiness.

Well, I describe myself as "a person who has a lot of friends but not belong to anywhere". And it was a problem for me. Please noted that I use "was", because it's no longer a problem. I used to perceive that as my weakness, which also transformed into my threat. Sometimes I'm feeling worthless because of that, it was like, no one love me, no one really care about me, no one notice my present nor my absent. I myself need to take care about me because nobody are there, for me. Right, this lead me into depression symptoms (well, this is a self-diagnosis, of course bcs I'm a coward HAHA).

And in this recent time, during the co-assistant life, my life has changing. I saw the world in a slightly different point of view and I open my eyes bigger and now, here I am. I'm turning those weakness and threat into my strenght and opportunity. It's a bit late, perhaps, but late is always better than never. Earlier this year, I faced a problem that screwed up my values, my point of views, my minds, and well (basically) my life. But in the end, all is well. I learned a lot. I changed a lot. And I found me, again, finally. Been a long time, myself, it took me 5 years for this life-growing experience.

Just like every mainstream story, the superhero always comes nearly late. But a superhero is a superhero, the man of the match, and so I thank Lulu for being Lulu. Super 'cito' but her presence, matters a lot. Best I ever had.

[hagiographically]

coolest stanford courses?

!! theyre so cool. theyre all so cool. every introsem or thinking matters is cool, every interdisciplinary lecture or seminar is cool, the workshops are cool, the d.school, grad school of education, language courses, one-unit lectures….literally everything is amazing and i could spend 4 more years here taking everything i want to take. if you just go on explorecourses and browse, they’re all so great (in humanities and social sciences. i avoid stem like the plague unless it seems interdisciplinary or applicable in some way). like, i just saw this 2 unit dance course called “hot mess” where the goal is to dance badly. amazing

but in terms of classes ive actually taken and can speak for in detail:

self theories - psych introsem w/ carol dweck. a great class

cell phone photography - art in the age of social media. AMAZING class

how to learn mathematics - education introsem about math disparities. a great time!

the practices of happiness - our wellness department is sensational

anthro 1 - first half of the quarter is eh, second half is gr8 and fun

reflections - freshman seminar where u just talk about what u want out of college. therapeutic. i ta’ed this last year and took it as a frosh.

designing your stanford - i LOVED this class. one of my faves

stories everywhere - my second thinking matters. taught by adam johnson. also one of my all time fave classes

social psych - with alia crum! a fun, easy class

a new millennium mix - this was my soco and if i had to sum up my four years at stanford with one class it would be this. not only did i meet some really amazing people (including professor michele elam, a rock star) i was able to use my personal identity and story to connect with the larger world, discussions about contemporary politics, race, gender, and culture, and express that through words and art. 10000/10 highly recommend

english 90/91/92/190/191/192: the creative writing track (fiction, creative nonfiction, poetry). 191 was the only one i didn’t stay in bc no room in my schedule. creative writing is my favorite dept at stanford. ive had the best memories in these classes and met wonderful people and did work im so proud of. all my nonwriter friends have taken 91 (nonfiction) bc ive begged them and theyve all loved it. my 91 was in nature writing so we went on field trips and wrote and there were 6 people in my class and we got close and i loved it. 190t was about young adult lit and we started a group chat where we complained about boys. a healing process

psych 75 - cultural psych, super easy and some of it is pretty cool. its kinda like self theories bc hazel markus has ideas about culture similar to dweck’s mindsets and so the class basically presents their views as correct, but i liked learning about regional cultures and certain values of ethnic cultures that informed how people thought abt themselves and their relationships

i took this great class about feminism and film when i was in italy

over the summer i took personality psych, the psychology of bias, the psychology of women, and queer poetry. all of these classes were wonderful and so interesting/relevant to what i do

and last quarter my faves were transformational design, in the d. school, and “reimagining american borders” which i audited in the american studies department. both were really interdisciplinary and allowed me to apply knowledge to myself and connect myself with the world as a whole. TD especially encouraged out of class participation which i love.

also shopped designing ur life, acting for non-majors, this great class about democracy in different cities, this intimidating class about anthro and linguistics with jonathan rosa, a genius, and im sure some other things

basically my favorite thing about stanford is the coursework and i truly love so much of what ive taken and its just made me a way better person in all aspects of the world bc my favorite courses arent just about me as a student but me as a fully fledged being and i love that our courses appeal to that too, its not just about learning, but existing in a modified way

[freshginandtonic]

My Watch is.. still going

Since starting a new position at work and waking up at 2:30 every morning I have become a hermit - bad for my social life and general wellbeing, but a great time to start watching a new TV series. Or rather, a show that’s not new at all, just one that everyone has been watching for 8 years, and I’m just jumping on the bandwagon now. Yes, I have finally gotten into Game of Thrones. As I write this I have five more episodes of the final season to watch, so I figured now was as good a time as any for some self-reflection on the fact that, in between working ten hours a day, the rest of my time has been devoted to finding out who will end up on the Iron Throne and sleeping.

I’ve always been of the credence that yes, one day when I’m 60 and have enough time, I will in fact sit down and watch Game of Thrones. That all changed at 4am in the last week of May, when I arrived at work to find a package on my desk -  w the words ‘unbowed, unbent, unbroken’ written on it - I later learned that was the motto of one of the great houses of GoT - and a USB inside, with the first season all ready for me. Thanks to my colleague Will, my watch had begun.

Throughout each episode I’ve live texted Will my thoughts, emotions and reactions to just about every scene - usually in all capitals. I’ve noticed this has greatly added to the quality of my viewing - it’s nice to know you can send a one line quote from Season 2 episode six and he’ll know exactly where I am in which episode and can respond in kind with a follow up line, appropriate gif or meme. It’s different to the normal viewing experience because while you don’t have the immediacy and intimacy of an in-person response, the anticipation of a text reaction feels like more of a shared, special event - I’m taking time while watching this thing to let you know I’m watching the thing: here are my raw thoughts. Far more exciting.

My phone had to be put down for some moments though - particularly for the Battle of the Bastards - it was such a sensory overload I couldn’t be trusted to text properly AND keep track of Jon Snow. 

So I began, a novice in season one (in love with Jon and Robb and protective of Ned - how well did THAT turn out?) and I quickly realised I wasn’t going to be able to get through this without some help. So I had some red wine to cope with the first big death of the season (it’s been so long I can’t really remember who it is now) and got on with it. Then came Ned’s death (cue gasps) and onwards to the most important part of season three - no, not the Red Wedding - you better believe I’m talking about Robb Stark’s first relationship and sex scene w cute healer Talisa. I will say I never thought a scene with a leg amputation could be choked with sexual tension, but let me tell you GoT made it happen (context: Robb is on the battlefield being smouldery, Talisa comes to help a wounded enemy soldier and has to cut his leg off while she and Robb exchange heated flanter) and then they finally get it on after she tells some heart wrenching story about her brother (sad but it went right out of my head as soon as I saw Robb’s bum. It’s the important things).

There’s been a lot written about the shock value of Game of Thrones - killing main characters for the sake of killing them, using sexual violence as a plot device, and gratuitous violence. Regarding the sex and violence; first, there’s a Lot if it. A lot more than I thought. Lots of boobs and bums and moments where I had to pause when a family member came into the room. I was pretty surprised at how normalised this became for me - before long I found myself glad and inwardly cheering when someone got axed, poisoned, or ripped apart by dogs (you all know who I mean here.) 

When violence was used, sometimes in not-so-great moments (shall we be reminded of Sansa’s awful rape scene) - it did  sometimes serve as a real catharsis to see some truly terrible people be given their comeuppance (Ramsay’s great ending, Joffrey’s wedding, ) Other people who don’t deserve it are brutalised as well (once again Sansa, and how many others I can’t remember). There’s definitely no discrimination on that front.

 There’s also a weird sense of redemption. Not in every character (obvs - what show is this again?) but being able to follow a character’s arc in one go without break has made their journey all the more meaningful. Particularly for the character of Theon: (a brief summation: he betrays his adopted family and best friend, then gets mutilated and psychologically tortured and broken down before he breaks down and changes). Seeing him come to back to life and find his morals again has been a real highlight and emotional strongpoint of the show for me. I cheered and teared up for each bout of progress he made - fair play to him, he took his fucking time and made loads of mistakes along the way, but he got there.

Regarding the controversial Ending™ my dad told me he read about one guy who binged the whole show like I’ve done, and he had a markedly improved opinion of the final season compared to other people. Everyone I’ve spoken to has, in their own words, said there’s a Golden Period (roughly seasons 2 - 6), and then everything from then on is basically horse shit. I don’t know if that’s right or I’m in a position to judge yet, but right now there’s nothing more satisfying to see characters who have been on separate journeys for literally 8 seasons come together and interact after so long.

So to sum up watching seven and a half seasons, roughly 68 hours and 4080 minutes of TV in under a month - it’s been A Lot. I think I have popular and unpopular opinions about the characters and storylines (pop: Jaimie and Brienne need to bang) vs (unpop: Dany’s character development - nope and she needs to stop conquering cities pls). I am glad I’ve waited this long to watch it all in one go (if I had to wait a year to find out what happened to Jon Snow after the season five finale I would have fucking RIOTED). I’ve appreciated the small moments: the Night’s Watch banter, the dire pups, Jon and Ygritte’s excellent enemies to lovers relationship (a personal favourite trope of mine), and everything Varys says, to the bigger pieces of the puzzle: Jon’s true heritage, the Stark’s getting avenged, Arya’s and mainly Sansa’s transformation from the girl who wanted to marry Joffrey to the absolute badass bish she is from where I currently sit.

So is my life changed? Nope. But at least now I’m part of the cultural carpet. My watch is nearly over, but what an absolute time its been.

HONOURABLE MENTIONS OF GREAT MOMENTS FOR THOSE IN THE KNOW (AKA EVERYONE ON EARTH)

Sam getting ripped for reading by all the dudes in the Night’s Watch

Dany’s excellent outfit choices in s7/8 - a particular shoutout to the winter outfit of season 7 episode 8 and the grey frock with the red dragon cape (LIVING for the texture)

Ditto Cersei - taking power suits to a whole new level since taking the Iron Throne (this particular outfit is an absolute LEWK and the picture doesn’t do the spiky shoulders justice)

Jon’s transition to the man bun post-resurrection (I personally detest man buns but I absolutely loved this change for him)

Sansa’s dead straight curtain of hair - there’s something super satisfying about it after years of her wearing those Padme Amidala style ‘Southern Style’ hair

The entirety of House Tyrell (particular mention to Lady Olenna who deserves all the awards in the world for only killing one character in this show)

Lady Margaery’s sassy backless dresses (she knows how to make the most of the King’s Landing climate)

Jaime and Brienne’s entire relationship (from the enemies to friends trope to him GIVING HER HIS SWORD AND A WHOLE SUIT OF ARMOUR) - if that’s not a love confession then I will just cut off my own damn hand

The entirety of the shirtless Flex Scene™ of the pilot

Sansa saying the iconique phrase ‘How do you answer these charges, Lord BaELISH’

Any time anyone said the words ‘King in the North’

Battle of the Bastards - need I say more. I won’t big it up like so many of the magazines and entertainment websites did, but it felt like one of the most realistic depictions of a medieval battle you could find. I felt it in my gut. I don’t know how you couldn’t. When Jon couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t breathe.

Bran literally being the group member of the assignment who drags you down bc he just sits in a cave

[chellyfishing]

ok i finished kona so as promised my lil* post on walking simulators i’ve played. (*it’s not lil.)

first things first: a lot of these give off a creepy vibe because it involves you investigating a deserted place piecing together What Happened. i don’t personally consider them scary, as such, but i guess some people might? with minimal spoilers, i can say that unless noted there are no jump scares or battles and you can’t get a game over at any point. none of these except flower and maybe gone home are exactly the cheeriest of games, they’re not total downers and you can take away a lot from each of them, but there’s almost always death involved. also these are all short games, many can easily be completed in a few hours, some you might want to spread out over a couple days.

i’m a little hesitant to put gone home on here bc i haven’t actually played it myself, but i did watch a full LP. i don’t think it’s a spoiler at this point to say that there was a bit of a bait-and-switch with advertising and it’s not a horror game. it is actually a very sweet, heartfelt coming-of-age story about a teenage girl who left behind notes for her visiting sister. while this might be a bit of a spoiler, i saw a review that called it “a lesbian scavenger hunt,” which i think is pm all anybody needs to know to decide to play it.

the vanishing of ethan carter is the first one i played and probably still my favorite. i played through it possibly half a dozen times that first week, and it’s not necessarily that sort of game. at the risk of overselling here, i can’t tell you how much this had an effect on me. you play a detective who’s come to a small seemingly deserted town at the behest of a young boy (ethan). what follows are a series of visions, stories, and light puzzle-solving to get to the bottom of what happened to ethan carter. as the story unfolds things get pretty disturbing and there is some blood (stain variety, not gushing). there’s nothing that would, i think, rate more than a PG-13 though. i could go in-depth but just play it okay.

dear esther is credited with being the first walking simulator. you can hear about its humble beginnings as a mod for some other game i forget by listening to the audio commentary, which you have to do for one of the trophies. dear esther is, the most out of these, not what it appears. it’s almost more of a poem than a story, and there is a lot left abstract and open-ended; death of the author is encouraged. it’s probably got the slowest start, but i like the peacefulness of it. it has a sequence that is the most beautiful and transformative thing which then leads up to the climax, and by then you are definitely in a different game than you started. no puzzle-solving, you don’t pick up or interact with any items, no keys or secret passages to suss out. you just walk and look and listen. definitely melancholy, but then, the whole thing is what you make of it. also apparently there are loads are little background details that can change randomly each time you play it, if you’re into that.

firewatch is another one that seems creepy, but (i’m sorry to spoil, i just want people to be okay when they play!!) i promise you, if you can handle some sadness and bittersweetness, you’ll be fine. this game is a little treasure. i saw someone complain about the graphics and i like??? couldn’t disagree more? i mean first of all what do you expect but second all it’s got more of a painted feel to it than a hundred laboriously-created computer models. there are some views and areas that are just beyond lovely. anyway you play as henry, who’s come to sit alone in a tower in the middle of the wilderness for summer 1989? to watch for fires. henry’s a bit snarky and sad and would probably be played by paul giamatti. the other man character is his boss, delilah. the rapport the two develop is probably the high point of the game tbh. their banter is topnotch. while firewatch seems a little overwhelming in scope but it’s actually not. there’s not much gained by extraneously exploring but you’re welcome to it if you want. it’s mostly just a lot of walking with very easily navigable roads and rappelling and such while around you all this weird shit starts happening. henry and delilah discuss what it all means and what to do about it. all questions are answered by the end, except for the ones any good story leaves open for you to decide.

beyond eyes... i don’t quite want to say that i wished i never paid for or touched this game, because my reasons for my violent rejection of it are very personal. so, here it is neutrally. it seems like a colorful, peaceful game about a blind girl, rae, looking for her lost cat, nani. the catch is that rae is blind, and so you have to sort of “fill out” the world by walking around (laboriously slowly, bring patience). it really is lovely, kind of painterly-feeling with so many vibrant colors, and i was very pleased with it for a long while. and again, i don’t want to spoil it, but the ending caught me so off-guard, threw me for such a loop, and triggered me so unexpectedly that i immediately turned it off and deleted it from my system. suffice it to say the tone is a bit different from the rest of the game. so, i won’t tell anyone not to check it out. it is pretty and simple and it seems like the kind of game people might want to support financially. just... not me. it made me disproportionately angry and upset and ruined my day. if someone has played or does end up doing so, my reaction might seem a little extreme, but it was one of those things that struck hard without any warning and it was just not what i needed at the time.

i tried to wait for what remains of edith finch to go on sale and i failed. while i’m not convinced it has $20 worth of content (it’s possibly even shorter than dear esther but i’d have to check), it’s also gorgeous, so i guess we all make sacrifices. anyway i’m still sort of processing my feelings for this game. most of it is completely genius. it’s about a girl, edith, who’s returning to her family home for the first time in years. she’s the last finch left alive; they have a habit of dying young, most not even making it to adulthood. you find out the story of each finch and each is interactive in a different way, one you’re different animals, another it’s in the format of a comic book, it’s all really neat how it’s done. anyway, obviously this game talks about death a lot but never shows it; in fact, some of the sequences are so abstract you have to interpret them yourselves to decide what even happened. my main continuing reservation is... i don’t know what it’s trying to say. i don’t know what it’s all supposed to mean. i mean maybe it’s some crap about the value of life no matter how short or idk, but for the most part at the end i was kinda like, “ok.” i keep thinking i must be missing something, but i’ve no idea what. it’s kind of just a collection of interesting stories whose only discernible thread is they all happened to the same unfortunate family for some reason. it’s the kind of “open to interpretation” that makes me feel like something is lacking.  anyway i still loved it and do recommend.

kona. oh kona. let me start off by saying you can die in this one. they’re not that ubiquitous but there are creatures that can and will kill you, and sometimes they might startle you as well, and of course there’s the cold, which can also kill you. i kept getting pissed off at that fucking inventory because it was JUST BARELY too small and you never knew when you were going to need something. now that i actually do know it’ll probably be waaay less infuriating. there’s also a final boss, but the “fight” is basically you going “jesus christ it’s a lion get in the car.” it’s very intense, but i wouldn’t really call it scary. you don’t even have to do anything offensive at all to win, just run like hell. a couple more words about the gameplay: i mentioned the better coat. you actually can find the components you need for that early on and possibly go straight and get it? like i’m not sure if the game lets you but if it does, it makes exploration SO much easier. you still have to be careful but like. type b careful rather than type a. anyway it’s pretty much a must. um, you probably want to take your car for the sake of convenience, and also you can get a snowmobile later! there are a number of little achievements to earn, some of which make this game a lot more involved than any other on this list. like, it’s a very big area with poor visibility and you’re looking for very very small things WITH A CHEAP-ASS SWEATER CARL. anyway, as for what it’s actually about: you’re a detective again, come to québec in 1970 to find some seriously fucked up shit. this game isn’t really horror, it’s mostly just what the hell is going on this is so fucking bizarre. there narrative has a lot of stuff about colonialism and racism and a lot of Cree culture and lore driving it. it was funded by kickstarter btw. so yeah, a little too game-y, most intense and involved of the bunch, unsettled even me at times, but not meant to invoke terror or keep you up at night, only make you think about the circumstances that created this event.

flower is your friend. i’ve only played a little bit of it but honestly that’s all you need. you can just go back and do that bit as many times as you want cause this is a game that’s all about being a petal on the wind. it’s cute, it’s playful, both the score and visuals are charming and lovely. this is the game you play after running for your life in kona. recommended to have in your library if for no other reason than to know it’s always there when you need something simple and beautiful and andy dwyer is unavailable.