#bc its like the most depressing sounding band i can think of; i feel like he would enjoy it

[darabeatha]

/  pov: u go to jurassic park with him

[innocencelives]

continuing retrospectives: whats new, and what has always been —infinite reflections on the truth

past few months have been hard, the episode is ongoing bc insurance and doctors have failed at getting me on a new med. a month ago i finally got prescribed a new one and im still trying to figure out how to get my insurance to pay for it, they have arbitrary rules abt what meds to take with other meds.

the episode is…all over the place. the depression is obviously the most excruciating, silent and unknowingly creeping its way through my veins until its all ive known and all i ever will know-until it ends, also silent, also unknowingly. the anxiety: paranoia more like, intense paralyzing social fear that defies all logic and lapses into absurdity but never stretches into psychosis or delusion. never. terrible, painful bodily fear that everything i do is wrong and everyone knows it. im eating nachos wrong, im walking wrong, my hair, my sweater, my face, im moving my hands wrong, there all thinking it, your friends think it, the stranger across the street he thinks it. everytime i ask my friends “wtf are u talking abt we love you your acting the same as always!” (hands shaking as i throw the nachos away bc im spilling all over myself and consider it too hard to continue).

the sleep, oh my god the sleep. i dont think there is a human on earth with a sleep schedule as erratic and random and life-ruining as mine. slept 20 hours a day for 4 days, then i couldnt sleep an hour a day for a few days. slept all day-up all night, slept in two 6 hour shifts, cant fall asleep, cant wake up, cant stay asleep, cant stay awake, cant be remotely normal. the fatigue, and the brain fog is worse than losing a limb. i know i know that sounds mad, its how i feel. the sleep doctor i see every 3 few months for 20 minutes who reccomends me a podcast: “i just dont buy it….i dont buy it”. okay. i mean…gaslighting??? medical gaslighting?? so your telling me, a person with 3rd degree burns, to put a band aid on it shutup and dont be delusional? get in line dude. ive seen worse than you.

and the trauma…oh the trauma. the undercurrent of my broken life till 16 yrs old, then the drowning, all consuming, omnipresent anvil for the next 10 yrs. how, how do you expect me to disentangle the symptoms of life altering complex trauma from the symptoms of various or perhaps a few life altering physical ailments? they both overlap constantly. and both, hilariously, remain undiagnosed.

yep you read that right, the person whos been on meds since 14 yrs old, experienced incestuous rape, unrelenting brain fog and fatigue, foot pain since a child that immobilizes me everyday, various experiences w excruciating stomach pain, low back pain, upper back/neck pain, i was diagnosed w adhd and tic disorder officially, they threw severe sleep apnea and a couple sleep disorders on top recently, what am i missing. oh yea my lazy eye is so terrible i close one eye to see most of the day. a lot of those remain mysteries, or undiagnosed.

my psych tried to put it one way: my mental health symptoms are a little bit of this and a little bit of that, i have bits and pieces of different things. maybe i have complex trauma and a specific rare insane gene disorder, or a few chronic conditions, or a PD and complex trauma, or complex trauma and schizotypal and avpd and lyme disease or complex trauma and fibro and bpd and a piece of my brain missing, who knows man. one things true: (not according to my family) i have complex trauma. and that can have far reaching physical implications.

ive been talking to the psych and my social worker friends abt perhaps flying to the mayo clinic or something similar. a bunch of appointments in a week or two w tons of specialists and tests with an integrated approach to get (as they call it) “the right answer, the first time”. or essentially some diagnosis/es

. . .

a horrible, liberating truth. there is no going back, there is no closing pandoras box. once i knew, i couldnt unknow.

how can i be believed enough to dispell the internalized disbelief,

validated enough to erase the gaslighting,

tell enough people my perverted past to erase the feelings of secrecy,

have enough chosen family to forget every relative,

recieve every ounce of love and care for the infinite time i spent denied of it,

jack off enough times to gross porn until i understand the abuse,

cry enough tears till im empty, empty enough blood till im dry,

fall through enough rocks till i hit the bottom,

when will it ever be enough.

im so tired of it, im so sick of it. im done with it. you can have it back. 16 year old jamie, seduced by the feelings of freedom and truth, put it back, dont read it, dont look too hard, dont think about it too much, do not pull that string it will all unravel i promise you.

im a barren husk of a boy. a shell of who i once thought i was. a paralyzed, broken, catatonic, defective 26 yr old failure who peeked at the man behind the curtain and saw something they could not unsee. i could have never in my wildest fears predicted a life quite as chaotic as this one. it feels like a curse, that i’ll never know a life without a childhood like mine.

its like a poisonous music to my ears, hypnotic and sweet while it tears me apart, hearing just what it truly was. i feel a bit more free, a bit more whole everytime i tell someone. everytime i use the dirty words, incest, sex abuse, sexual violence, molestation blech blech blech gross yuck. nasty. but the disgust, the shock, the genuine look of horror on anyones face as they react to those words is like a hug!-they know. they feel that way to. it was that bad. it did happen. the mere thought of it to a stranger is enough to ruin the vibe. ohhhhhhh if you only knew, if you only knew.

scream it from the roof tops, tattoo it on me, put it right under jamie on my hello my name is sticker, put it in the first sentence of my biography and the first sentence of my obituary. as long as they know my name they will know my truth. my horrible, liberating, truth.

[radioactivecatboy]

was tagged by @princess-of-purple-prose to list five songs i actually listen to and tag ten mutuals. WAOG A CHANCE TO TALK ABT MUSIC THANKS KAY SURELY I WILL BE SO SO FUCKING NORMAL ABT THIS (no caps: woag a chance to talk abt music thanks kay surely i will be so so fucking normal abt this)

Hell’s Comin’ With Me by Poor Man’s Poison. this is one of my songs ever tbh. the depressing slow start that sounds like its going to be a normal depressing country song, but suddenly ramps up in fury and pace into something almost joyful in its violence. as soon as i hear the sharp cords to prep “there is a hill at the bottom of the valley” i am full screaming the lyrics. “i paid the devil twice as much to keep your soul” mph. chefs kiss. delicious. also its about killing a corrupt priest which i hoot and holler and bang the table for

the jester by ratz. hi ratz if you have any reason to see this post for whatever reason though i cannot imagine why. i love ur music. esp this song. i vibrate slightly when it plays. vocals outta this world. anyway. the parallel between the lyrics “Oh, I know / It’s a dangerous game i play with my soul / I know / It’s a dangerous game / But my self preservation is tepid at best” and “He knows / It’s a dangerous game he plays with his soul / I know / It’s a dangerous game / My morality is shaky at best” is so !!!!!!!! for me

Santa Fe by Autoheart. “and when i saw you i should have kept on going but i couldnt move the gods of justice spoke and i got what i deserve and when you saw me your hand became an angry fist i agree with everything that’s coming my way but forgive me if you can” oooooooo BABY i love angst i love self recrimination i love the knowledge you fucked up so bad and you have no way to protest that you Don’t deserve the pain the other party might choose to inflict back on you. Punch (Special Edition) is one of my favorite albums ever genuinely banger after banger

Pray by The Amazing Devil. oh man i LOVE this band i dont think theres a single damn song by them i don’t like or even feel ambivalent about but Pray is one that makes me want to start sprinting through the streets screaming my heart out. i can’t even give you some favorite lyrics from it bc everything feeds into everything else it’s so visceral and evocative of a desperation and determination and frustration and the thrum of something trapped inside you desperate for freedom. madeleine hyland fucking ROCKED it so hard. ma’am i am so in love with you. please listen to this song fr

The Hand That Feeds by The Crane Wives. another song by one of my bands ever. it’s been consistently at or near the top of my spotify most played artists for years u should check them out. this is truly a song of all time, it makes me feel the need to break capitalism’s spine over my knee, throw its corpse on a bonfire, and dance around the flames. the narrator is soooooo fucking bitter and determined to keep their autonomy and soul in a society where money is impossible to live without and nearly impossible to get without being treated cruelly and dehumanized for. “no man should get more of my time than me, than me, i may never be a rich man but i can make sure that i am free. the rich man can never have me” literally songs to gnaw your arm off to

so that was music corner with jellyfish thanks for tagging me kay ily <33 uhh i’ll go ahead and tag @gnomebud @whale-blanket @angelslant @tjuvmon @freijan @ragefear @frogliftcertified and anyone else who might want to just say i tagged u and go wild <33

[james-fun-in-the-sunderland]

Erm general questions

Fave food

Fave activities and why

Cuddler?

Scars? From what?

Type?

Favorite people

Type of humor

hi hello my bestie im gonna answer these for vicky bc he was on my mind

Fave food

vicky LOVES a good steak (he likes it cooked medium rare in case anyone asks), his mom would always make steaks on special occasions and so not only did it taste SUPER good to him but he always associated it w good times :) he has never tried to grill up som steak himself bc he knows it wont taste as good so he goes to nicer restaurants on special occasions to get some steak!

Fave activities and why

I feel like i barely ever talk abt it but vicky LOVES to sing and play guitar! its like the second part of his whole thing, he also collects records and in general loves to collect good sound systems to listen to music! hes always loved music ever since he was a kid and looked up alot to like singers and bands and stuff bc he saw that as like ... peak lifestyle, exactly what he wanted to be and do when he grew up... he tried to break out and become some kind of singer songwriter but nothing ever went through and when his daughter was born he basically gave up that dream but he still sings and all of that bc it makes him happy :)

Cuddler?

YES.... INTENSELY. his boyfriend gets his cuddles in FULL FORCE !!! hes very touchy and will sort of passively cuddle his bf when theyre just like . doin nothin. just standing next to each other he'll have his arms around him n stuff (note this does NOT happen in public places bc vicky HATES pda but in their own home and in private moments he is INSUFFERABLE) hes also very cuddly with his daughter! he would OFTEN fall asleep w her on his chest when she was littler c: shes also a cuddler bc of this ofc

Scars? From what?

oh boy does he have scars, i have a whole section on his ref sheet for his scars

(i put it in here twice so that the post doesnt KILL dashboards w how long it is lmao)

i also have alot of like explainations for some of em, the burns on his arm are from when he went to dispose of some evidence for a boss and was a BIT fucked up (drunk) and so he didnt notice there was some lighter fluid that got on him until he already lit the fuckin match (hes a lil dumb <3)

the scar that goes across his stomach and on his arm was when he was doing a hit and thought the person was dead but they WERENT they were tricking him so when he didnt expect it they could slash the fuck outta him and get away (he still ended up killing them in the end but it was a GOOD try <3)

his facial scar, his most noticable one since the rest he tends to cover with clothes, was from when he got fucked up on alot of stuff and went for a drive during the WORST period of his life (he had SEVERE depression man he was NOT doing well) and he ended up hitting a pole at like 100 mph and of course didnt have a seatbelt (this was in like the 60s so .) so he flew out the window and MIRACULOUSLY was not hurt outside of alot of bruises and small cuts along with a shard of glass getting stuck in his face as he skidded scross the pavement like a skipping stone (which is what caused the huge scar) he doesnt like people to ask about it bc he finds that part of his life embarrassing (guy doesnt like having emotions :/)

HI EDITING BC I REALIZED I MISSED THI s his missing pinky got cut off as a punishment from a boss he had <3 not much more developed than that as of rn

Type?

i am GUESSING u mean type in like dating partners... in which case ... i havent really thought abt it! i suppose he likes people that are different from him! smaller, got more meat on their bones, more thinkers rather than impulse type people like he is, also hairy-er people. he doesnt grow body hair and i imagine the first time he kissed his bf (who has a beard) he was like AHHHH OK . I GET IT. I LOVE THIS

mostly i think he also really loves people he can do things for... like people he can care for... hes terminally someone to has to be doing things for people (as long as he agrees w the things bc otherwise he wont!) his bf makes sure to give him stuff to take care of w him (he has chronic pain in one of his legs and used to just rub some pain reliever on himself but now he and vicky have a whole routine in the morning w it :) )

Favorite people

his boyfriend abel and his daughter rosa! they are his EVERYTHING.. like literally if he lost them he would PLUMMET back into the depression he had when his mom died but EVEN WORSE bc he prides himself on taking good care of his daughter, if he worries about her its all he can think about, rn in universe shes being held hostage for him to do a job and hes WORRIED SICK like she is ALL he is thinking abt rn :(

Type of humor

oh he would definitely be called problematic . i wouldnt say he has an offensive sense of humor but its for sure darker than usual, growing up as a bully who took quite a bit of joy in suffering will do that to ya :/

[all-the-fun-of-the-cirkus]

album #7 of the year, and i'm back on my neil young bullshit with after the gold rush

i really hate talking about albums like this. not because it's bad, not at all, it's really good. i just... don't quite like it as much as i'm supposed to on initial listen

most albums sag in the middle imo, and the start of side 2 is the problem here; the oh lonesome me cover is sluggish to the point where it loses me, and birds kinda passes me by, except for that gorgeous chorus. throw in the full band arrangement of don't let it bring you down, which is a great song but oddly sounds less intense than in its guitar-only guise on young shakespeare than here and it drags ever so slightly

the rest of it rules though. it's interesting coming back to early neil, given i've mostly been listening to the ditch trilogy onward, there's a very different vibe to it. it's not really less sad, per se; there's just as much humour on his later albums, and just as much sadness here, but it feels... less desolate in its sadness, i don't know. the sadness on this album feels like being alone on a dark wet evening, where sure, you feel it as much as any other time, but you know the sun's just around the corner, whereas later on it becomes outright depression. until it blasts into a rocker about growing your own weed, at least, but you get the gist

anyway, the start of side 2 is only so disappointing bc side 1 is flat-out jawdropping, especially since it has the good grace to start with two of the most beautiful songs ever written. tell me why is just stunning, absolutely note-perfect, saturated in that lovely melancholic optimism from the raggedly beautiful harmonies (i love the harmonies so much on this album) to the lyrics. i'm so weak for simple summaries of profound emotion, and by-and-large i find neil's lyrics more interesting when he's waxing wry intricate metaphor than when he's being straightforward, but the second verse of this song is such a pure and delightful description of love, it's wonderful

nothing else on here quite compares, but there's a lot of bangers yet. i've been familiar with the title track all my life, and i haven't got bored of it yet. mind you, how could anyone get bored of a song with a flugelhorn solo like that? only love can break your heart is the saddest "cheer up mate" song ever written (i have no idea if this actually cheered graham nash up, maybe he needed the sympathy rather than the pepping up) but it's so tuneful, and the heavy-hearted piano, particularly in the chorus, twists your gut

and then southern man smacks your around the face. i'd like to think these days it'd be a fairly uncontroversial, if blunt, attack on racism but, uh, lmao. i'm sure a lot of the backlash came from people indignantly going "#NotAllSouthernMen" or something, so nothing changes there, i guess. tbh there are many people vastly more qualified than me to talk about this song and racism as a whole, so i'll just say i don't particularly find this song unreasonable and move on to the music. it's the only time on the album you get Guitar Hero Neil, and it's not a bad showcase; the repeated hammering onto that dissonant chord just before the fadeout is just breathtaking. the chorus is the real kicker here, with neil's screaming angry vocals and that bass! in years i'd never noticed that bass, why was this the only album of neil's this guy played on?

the other seriously great song here is when you dance you can really love, which has more top-notch melodies and harmonies and some real strange decisions that kinda pay off? idk why neil didn't bother to write a second verse, but the desperate repetition of "i can really love, i can really love" weirdly ups the intensity so much, and the piano kind of clutters the place up some of the time but makes the chorus with that incessant banging. i'd love to hear an acoustic version of this, actually, the vocals are really gorgeous again. beyond that, i believe in you is nice, and the two snippets at the end of either side are goofy and cute

i must admit, after till the morning comes i was ready to rave about this album. i still love the vibe, and there's some absolutely wonderful stuff on here, it's just a little sad it doesn't manage to maintain its momentum

[randombubblegum]

sorry to be depressing but do you think there’s any chance for awsten to improve? I was a baby in the 2000s but from what I understand certain members fob, mcr, panic etc were incredibly messy and behaved in kind of obnoxious ways throughout their 20s and even into their early 30s and acted out due to combo of fame and mental illness but as they aged, had kids etc they calmed down and are now really respectful generally……pete in particular acted pretty misogynistic when his mental health was at his worst (and he was also subjected to insane amounts of media and fan scrutiny) and he was like 25ish but now obviously has grown up and matured since then. obviously tiktok didn’t exist back then but there was a similar fame-obsessed culture back in the 2000s. I know awsten definitely doesn’t have even a fraction of the kind of success that fob had at their peak but do you think there’s a chance of awsten following a similar trajectory and growing up? or do you think he’ll act like a dick forever? lol

no this is a good question!!! disclaimer i was not around following fob/mcr in the 2000s lol i am just a very dedicated student looking back across time. that being said the comparison between pete wentz and awsten is one ive talked about before because obviously awsten idolized pete and their lyrics are comparable (in a way that makes awsten come up short lol)…… but frankly i dont think they make a great comparison in this way.

like you mention fob reached much higher levels of fame than parx ever has (or will) but i think its hard to contextualize that if you werent there. pete was literally in EVERY mainstream tabloid constantly for a period of like 5 years. his dick pics leaking and then dating/marrying ashlee simpson while fob simultaneously became hugely popular AND hugely hated as an “emo band” defined a generation of celebrity. he was quite literally an A/B-lister. people magazine payed millions for exclusive photography rights for his first child. pete was one of the most papped people in america…. he was like FAMOUS (in)famous. in a very difficult way where it truly was like fame < infamy lol

awsten frankly invents most of his “celebrity problems” himself by being too online. that sounds harsh, but like, if he just Logged Off a little he can live a completely normal unhindered life in the real world. sure some fans might stop him for pics every now and again but he wont be literally tailed and SHOUTED AT by paparazzi like pete was lol. for all he gripes about the internet being too invasive to him he has actively curated and invited that for his whole ~career~ lol

so going back to your main question….. i dont know if hell get better? i think its hard because….. tiktok and the level of instant powerful crushing online fame it brings is NEW. the level of (sorry to use this word but literally) “cancel culture” on twitter and shit is unprecedented. did yall see allie x get instantly cancelled then redeemed in 24 hours the other day? shit is out of control. i cant even imagine what that stress feels like when every fan is willing to go for your throat for clout at any moment, esp with parx fans on …other websites being famous for shit-stirring every chance they get.

he might get better, and stop down this path of neurosis and being an ass online, but its gonna take something shifting him off that path. we cant use bands like fob/mcr as a blueprint bc this is so wildly different, imo. i think deep down he hates what hes become and what hes doing isnt fun for him either……. i just dont think he feels he has a choice. hes addicted to clout and virality as a lifeline tied to his perceived career now, and when he doesnt get the amount of attenion he expects you can literally WITNESS him panic and rage and melt down about it. i understand why, given the environment hes trying to operate in. but its a rough transformation to watch. im not saying theres no hope for him, but i think its gonna take something drastic to get him off this path lol :( hes also not showing any sign of “growing up” so its not like thats something that just automatically happens to people lol

[awsugar]

I think a large part of the “fuck it” thing was how rapidly everyone’s life shifted and Gerard refocusing his priorities for the first time since 2001. I’m not sure when they (he) came up with the concept, but dead kids and parents mourning isn’t something many people can even consider but especially not new parents. If that was his last big concept then he decided it wasn’t what he wanted, he may have decided the band in general wasn’t where his energy had to be anymore. The Kevin Smith interview was when he played that cute as fuck song he wrote about Bandit and it was so different to anything he ever shared, even scarecrow was dark, that I feel like the stuff he took inspiration from had changed entirely too. Also, he very possibly just wasn’t vibing with the death and sickness and loss that MCR had become associated with. I can’t imagine the emotional toll it would take to be accused of encouraging teenagers to do these awful things, while being overworked and exhausted, while having these new personal responsibilities. They resorted to letting Glee do Sing just to spread the song as far as possible and then said it was a song for the fans which high-key beaks my heart. HA being him in a suit with Britpop-ish songs right after MCR ended kind of cements for me that he was determined to separate himself entirely and form something newer, lighter, more lively. He was a harsh bitch for dumping them via open letter, though. MCR x group therapy collab when.

i agree that the paper kingdom sounded extremely dark obviously. and definitely had to be hard for all of them who were parents of young children, except mikey. but like it didn't HAVE to be like that. imo. i mean danger days, like you said scarecrow is dark, but honestly i don't think of dd as a depressing/dark record. its really bright and lively and a celebration to me, for most of it. so like. and im just gonna be like stream of consciousness here sorry. but yea i wonder why they would go back to something so dark, when they knew what touring tbp and playing it every night did to them. and i was saying to a friend recently, i wonder how much the backlash and negative reaction to tbp had an impact on what they ended up doing with dd. and then now, i wonder if gerard thought he had to go back to a place of darkness and depression post-dd bc it wasn't as much of a commercial success or whatever, the way that tbp was. i kind of never thought that that mattered to them that much, but now im wondering..bc like even at the shrine, the way that most of the crowd further back than the front like 4 or 5 rows was mostly silent for dd songs...like i wonder if that mattered to them and they wanted to like appeal to the fans that were fans of the first 3 albums again. much to think about.

but like. i don't believe that the paper kingdom was the only concept that gerard had in his mind at the time, or that he could have come up with. and on that note, i don't think it had to be a concept album at all? i mean thats what they were known for at that point i guess, even though gerard until like 2020 insisted that dd wasn't a concept album. lol. but like cw, as far as we know, wasn't a concept album. but THAT also raises another question, like was it;'s lack of concept part of why it was scrapped? more questions we don't have an answer to..but yea like. i just don't believe that the paper kingdom concept was their only option. but i have had an assumption for a while that is like. PART of the breakup (which i think is extremely multifaceted and like probably a million things contributed to it) was that gerard felt disconnected from the message that the band set out with intially to change the world with. he said the band saved him, and maybe he didn't need that anymore? but he's also said that the breakup time period was like his worst depression since he DID start the band. so like...idk there's a disconnect for me there. but "i stopped bleeding three years ago while you kept screaming for revolution' from tomorrow's money is totally about that. him feeling disconnected from what the fans expected out of mcr. which ties into like what i already said, did he try to reconnect with that old part of himself to please the fans, and it was like a detrimental decision for his mental health, which then led to the breakup? idk!!!! im just thinking. and thinking hard.

all of that was me mostly responding to the paper kingdom stuff you said but now that i read the rest of the ask i feel like we kind of came to similar conclusions.

i do think they need group therapy tho. like im almost convinced that they had to have at least a few heavy conversations in order to do the band again. i mean how do you write THOSE songs about each other and then be like *twirls hair* lets go on tour...

[denjisbf]

Random older! Hiro headcanons

Keep in mind that this is my interpretation of 18 y/o hiro! Pls bare in mind that its been ages since ive watched the series and as a trauma survivor i like incorporating my angst lol

Feel free to comment/request or reblog for more! Feedback is really important to me :)

TW: mentions of grief/death, loss of a family member and common mental health triggers

- appearance wise, i think Hiro would grow be 5'7-5'9 at the most, purely because i also hc Tadashi and their parents as pretty average height folks.

- he wouldnt have any facial hair except for the occasional mini mustache, purely because he thinks he doesnt looks good with facial hair.

- i also think he would go through phases of wanting to keep his hair shaggy and long and also wanting to cut it so its out of his eyes. I think as Hiro grows older he becomes a lot more aware of how he looks and eventually changes up his style to appear more presentable.

- emo ass hiro check❗❗i know his ass had a die hard MCR and Panic phase so i wouldnt put it past him to want snake bites or get his ears done. By the time hes 18 he'll have had small stretchers in his ears as well as industrial piercings on his left ear. Aunt Cas went with him to get the latter done.

- definitely paints his nails, though they're always chipped because he doesnt own a top coat and fiddles with his nails when hes nervous (which he is often)

- i also believe Hiro will dress a little like Tadashi, only because he was his only male role model for a while (hiro's pretty disillusioned amd doesnt fall for celeb influence that easily) but also because it makes him feel closer to his brother after his death.

- that means skinny jeans, vans and button-ups/t shirts onna daily basis but i hc that Hiro also indulges in more skater/indie/grunge aesthetics on a day out or when he feels particularly handsome.

- try picture hiro dressed as (phase 1/2) 2D from gorillaz lol, kinda like that! Wide cut jeans, scribbled-on vans and juvenile slogan shirts.

- Hiro definitely likes darker aesthetics. At home he often wears black, thinking he looks badass but really just looks emo lol

- moving on from appearances, Hiro loves indie music!

- lemon demon, girl in red, Mitski, Ricky Montgomery etc, though he still listens to bands like MCR, Oasis and Tally Hall.

- definitely has a secret love for nu metal. Idk i just see it in him. I can imagine him headbanging to slipknot on the shower lmaoo

- he has a secret playlist he listens to when the loss of his family is ripe in his mind. Its more ambient and sadder artists like flower face, nicole dollanganger and mother mother

- speaking of grief, tadashis death was a catalyst for hiro's now diagnosed depression. He takes a small dosage of anti depressants that help him with his productivity when hes particularly low.

- 18 year old hiro definitely has a sizable following on his socials, nothing in the 1000s but his Instagram has a good 900 followers.

- posts alot abt his friends and his projects and has recently learned how to take those really aesthetic looking blurry photos when he goes on walks or skates (yes my hiro is a skater boy)

- really embarrassed abt the fact he has a tik tok. His fyp is extremely funny but hella cursed. 100% on queer frog tiktok and thinks its straight tiktok lol

- OH YEA SPEAKING OF THE ALPHABET MAFIA,,,, yea hes bi 🤗🤗 its canon bro trust me

- HAS A FLAG ON HIS DESK!! Baymax embarrassed the FUCK outta him when he saw it (gave a whole speech abt acceptance and errything lord 😩)

- went to his first pride parade when he was 17 and a half, really enjoyed it but doesnt like going alone. It sucks bc he has a lot of internalized biphobia to get through before he can be trully out to himself.

- So far only Wasabi, aunt Cas and GoGo (because theyre all bi too lol) know. They bought hiro all his pride stuff ( to be exact he has a woven bi bracelet, a desk flag and some laces for his vans)

- also i think hiro alternates between they/them and he/him pronouns because he likes the sound of them, though he does identify with his bio sex (maybe gender diverse? Isogender? Idk maybe!)

[eurydicees]

so. about platonic atsuiwa........

i believe they would have that weird kind of friendship where they don't know each other's favorite color but do know about their deepest trauma lol

like, atsumu will constantly rant about his love life (or lack thereof) and iwaizumi will listen with full commitment but pause him to ask things like, "wait, who was that guy again?" or "huh what high school were you from btw?" "what was your brothers name?" etc.

(and somehow its not awkward at all. atsumu answers and they move on)

i might be a bit obsessed with iwa's mom friend energy but can you blame me. he needs to take care of other people all the time or he will die. and with oikawa living overseas now he needs a new brat to take care of, you know.

but its not the same as it was with oikawa, because atsumu gets offended when people try to be caring with him. so iwa has to be sneaky about it, too. like instead of outward saying "don't overwork yourself" he has to go out of his way to invite him to do stuff when he knows the little shit's gonna spend the whole weekend at gym practicing serves again. and atsumu always agrees when iwa asks to hang out because he's a friendless lonely bastard who cries when people show him the slightest bit of love and attention

also atsumu calls iwa to rant about how much he hates samu twice a week. iwa tried to tell him once that he actually loves his brother very much and it's obvious but atsumu brushed it off by saying iwa wouldn't understand lmao

for iwa, tsumu is mostly a brat who needs him but he's also one of the most understanding people on earth. when iwa rants on the phone about his work or his family, he feels like he reaveals too much at the end and tries to cover it like "i mean i dont even know why i get so damn depressed over it this is so stupid" and atsumu will be like "nah i get it. want me to drop by with ice cream?"

and he does!! everybody wants to eat ice cream and cry sometimes!!! iwa needs to be babied too, thank you very much

tsumu's way of caring isnt as clear as iwa's but iwa gets it. instead of dragging him outside (like iwa does) tsumu will come over to his house, order pizza and put a random episode of friends or gilmore girls and sit silently with him and iwa it will be more than enough for iwa.

i feel like this is getting too out of the canon storyline and sounds more like an au but idk

one time iwa said he wanted to try dying his hair and they did it using grocery store hair supplies and at the end it looked so horrible that they both laughed until their eyes watered and the next day they went out to buy brown hair dye to fix it. then atsumu messed something up and the dye didn't work, iwa decided to get a buzzcut..

one time they sent a selfie to oikawa and he was.....not happy about it :D

iwa teaches atsumu how to cook some basic meals and atsumu tries to show off to samu with them

the first time iwa remembered atsumu's birthday and got him a little present atsumu cried and then said a bug got into his eye

they make fun of each other's choices of men

they go to gym together and atsumu always listens to music as he works out so one day iwa asked him to share a link to his gym playlist and it was just full of anime opening and some female kpop bands

i think this is all i have. its like 1.30 am rn so i think i'll go to sleep. hope you like these xx

oh my god yess yesssss yess YESSS !!!! i am YELLING !!!!!!! loveeeeeeeee all of this oh my god. gym buds atsuiwa is so good. iwaizumi teaching atsumu to cook (osamu is deeply offended that atsumu didn't ask him). atsumu forcing iwaizumi to watch romcoms and tv shows of the like (oikawa is deeply offended bc iwa refuses to watch telenovelas with him, but he'll watch friends with atsumu miya).

you're also so right that they literally know about each other's worst fears but atsumu would not be able to tell you what "aoba johsai" is if a gun was put to his head. iwaizumi could tell you the worst memory of atsumu's life but absolutely could not tell you what his favorite animal is.

like, atsumu: yeah i know iwaizumi best out of the whole national team we go to the gym together all the time

kageyama: what middle school did he go to then.

atsumu: ....

hinata: kageyama you went to the same middle school, that's cheating. atsumu, he went to kitagawa daiichi btw

atsumu: i'm quitting this team

and you have the way iwaizumi takes cares of atsumu vs oikawa so right tbh, like oikawa can get the tough love yell at rant kinda thing going on, but atsumu gets a more subtle kind of care. so true. man. i'm obsessed w all of this THANK YOU

[bananiell]

rapper hc part 1

hi guys!!! so i’ve had this idea in my head forever and just didn’t have anyone to share it with but i told hedy about it yesterday and she scammed me into creating tumblr acc and sharing it here lol but when i went to write it down i  realized that i have a lot more to share so it’s gonna be just the 1st part for now, which was the only thing i had in my mind originally but now i’m working on expanding it.

i have a lot of ideas from the songs and this is no exception. this time the inspiration was NF - an amazing rapper and song writer. his songs uncover so much trauma and the things he raps and sings about are so real for a lot of us that you can’t help relating to them. NF’s real name is Nathan which also played part in this idea. lyrics of the songs are what the hc is based on so please listen to the songs i mention and pay attention to the lyrics.

ok i don’t wanna waste more of your time bc the hc is big as it is so without further ado let’s dive into it. p.s. it’s the first time i do a thing like that so im sorry in advance for any inconsistencies or the general drama:)))

TW!! (everything is just mentioned, nothing too graphic) physical abuse, verbal/emotional abuse, alcohol, drinking, drug addiction, overdose, death from overdose, kidnapping, torture (beating, skin burning, cuts – all of it not descriptive), violence, breaking one’s own bones, putting bastards to prison. also NF’s lyrics got a lot of triggers and cover very serious issues so if you decide to listen to some more of his music be careful with that. some of the things mentioned in the songs i’ve used here: depression, grave digging, guns, blood (in a non-violent way).

neil’s story: he grew up in an abusive family. his father was drinking a lot and abused him physically and verbally saying that he was nothing and nobody and would not amount to anything in his life. he despised neil’s love for music and laughed at him. he also hit him more when he noticed anything related to neil’s passion (neil humming some melody or listening to music in his headphones or trying to create smth). his mother tried to protect him but she couldn’t do much bc of her drug addiction. she overdosed during his last year in hs and surprisingly left him some money. when Nathan found out about that he was enraged and beat the shit out of neil so he would give him that money. to run away from his father neil goes to university to study his passion – music. he’s always had some kind of knack for creating music and rapping and now he could explore it more and not be afraid of nathan. he tries to overcome his trauma and even makes some friends (the foxes).

during the freshman year andrew and neil spend a lot of time together. they find the reflections of their hurt in each other and they find understanding. they share some of their past and their traumas; their view of the world and their dreams. andrew feels like he is falling because he’s never met anyone like neil. slowly there are soft touches and furtive glances but neither is ready yet to cross that line.

neil seemingly gets better even though there are a lot of hard moments on the way. however at the end of his freshman year nathan finds him and he and his cronies kidnap and beat neil up for Mary’s money keeping him in the basement for several days. this money is all neil’s got to survive and build his life so he doesn’t say anything and thinks of the ways to run. im not good with making up torture techniques and nathan is not so imaginative here but they still leave neil with scars on his face, his torso and hands (mostly burns from cigarettes, iron, cuts from glass bottles). by the end of the third day neil is physically and morally exhausted so he gives up and transfers all the money to them (he’s got a little of it left on his other acc) and they drunk on their win leave him in the basement. he breaks his fingers to get out of the handcuffs and gets out through the small basement window and runs outside. not long after that he collapses from all the exhaustion and blood loss and someone notices him. they call the cops and the ambulance. after that nathan and his cronies are put into prison and neil is left with almost no money. he leaves the state and a year later with a lot of effort, practicing and self-advertising he successfully signs with a music label under the name N/A.

andrew’s story: tilda didn’t give him up but was a shitty mother (obv) with drug addiction. andrew and aaron’s parents were divorced and their father didn’t live with them but tried to be there when he could. andrew started creating music as an outlet bc tilda’s boyfriends were physically abusing him and he tried to protect aaron from that. he and aaron were close bc they only had each other but andrew still didn’t share his trauma with aaron trying to protect him from that hell. of course he was only a child and couldn’t always take aaron’s place in beating but most of it lay on him. while at hs they became a band with the help of nicky and performed with their songs were they could and tried to self-advertise and wymack (he’s the head of the music dep at uni and also one of the profs) noticed them and offered them partial scholarships. they had some money left after tilda’s overdose (they lived for some time with their father after her death) so they went to get actual education on music production (at this point I don’t care how plausible it sounds, just don’t think too much about it ok lol)

the story:

ok so nathaniel once went to uni with the foxes (is there such a major as music production and singing or smth?) but at the end of his freshman year he disappeared. he was not very sociable so no one really cared where’d he go except for the foxes with whom he became somewhat friends. 1-2 years later he pops up as a new young and very talented rapper named N/A and he’s got burn scars all over his face and hands which he doesn’t hide so very intriguing right??? nobody knows much about him and that his name stands for Neil Abram so they take it literally as ‘no data available’ or smth (hedy also proposed “not applicable”!). foxes are like WTF we know that guy!! and wymack is also like isn’t that nathaniel??

Andrew’s become a huge fan of neil’s music. only renee knows that andrew’s been listening to neil’s songs non stop bc he can relate so hard to them and they just hit him right where it hurts. at the end of their last year they have like a huge final concert or smth and wymack organizes it to be held in one of the palmetto clubs. at the same time neil is coming back to Palmetto bc he is nostalgic of the time he spent in the uni with the foxes and he wants to escape his real life for a moment. he wants to visit the city and reminisce and he believes that none of the foxes really remembers him bc he was a nobody. I know the plot is getting ridiculous but bear with me

so it’s the evening of the gig and the students perform their music (songs, instrumentals, as solos/duets/bands etc). andrew majorly produces rap songs at this point and he performs in duet with renee with their song (NF’s “Can you hold me”). everyone is like shit it was so good but then andrew performs his solo song (NF’s “How could you leave us”). aaron is standing there and is a fucking mess bc he never knew andrew was that affected by their past and their mother’s death bc he never showed it and didn’t ever want to talk about his issues. (be warned this is a heart-wrenching song and it fits fucking perfectly). after that andrew almost runs outside for a smoke, trying to light a cigarette with his shaking fingers and thats when he sees a strange all covered up figure in a black hoodie entering the club but also cautiously looking over their shoulder like they don’t want to be caught. andrew ever the protective one follows him but loses in the crowd of the low lit club. 10 mins later there is quiet and the figure goes on stage – obv its neil. “Intro III” starts playing.

andrew is in awe and he’s never heard this song before so it must be new. he also never saw neil perform live so he cant really move bc the performance is so powerful and magnetic. *neils sitting on one of the disconnected amplifiers in the dark and the music starts building up. At 2:00 of the song after the words “I mean, what are you, outta your mind? 'Cause both of us will be, come on, let's go outside!” he pulls off his hood, his movements are fierce and aggressive and he’s almost screaming in the mic. at words “You had me scared for a second, I thought we were diggin' my grave” theres his fathers smile, vicious, crazy and cruel – thats how he remembered it spending 3 days in that basement. (fyi in the song NF’s talking to his fear and they go back and forth).* 

andrew is mesmerized, the foxes are in shock, the whole crowd does not understand who that is but they watch with open mouths. the song ends and the crowd goes wild. that’s when neil starts talking.

“hello palmetto. this is a great concert you got and some of you guys are fucking talented. my name is neil and I used to go to PSU a long time ago so you prolly don’t know me but professor wymack out there let me come here on this stage and sing a couple of my songs for you. one of them is my old song, and another is new but they both tell my story and I hope you like’em”. 

people cheer and applaud and after a moment another song starts playing. its the one andrew knows (it’s Paralyzed). the atmosphere gets way calmer but everyone is just as hypnotized. during the chorus neil is standing under the dim lights, head turned up facing the ceiling, eyes closed, his scars are illuminated. he looks almost peaceful but there’s pain and apathy showing on his face and in his posture. the song ends and neil leaves the stage. andrew cant make his legs move but he has to meet neil (he just realized that neil’s shared his name with them and it wasn’t “nathaniel” and andrew’s got so many questions).

he forces himself to move and almost runs backstage. neil is already leaving but andrew stops him by grabbing him by his arm. they stand there looking at each other, andrew panting, his body shaking a little, neil wide-eyed.

“Andrew…” he whispers obviously surprised by seeing Andrew here.

“Nath- Neil.” suddenly Andrew cant ask a single question. he’s got so many that it feels like a waste of time to ask them one by one. Neil looks down at where Andrew is still grabbing his arm and Andrew lets go off him like its burnt him. “You are here” he lets out on the exhale like he still can’t believe it.

Neil averts his eyes and puts the hood of his sweater on his head so that the shadows obscure half of his face. “Yeah” he replies and after a few seconds follows with hesitant “How are you?” It is a stupid question, Andrew thinks but he answers nonetheless with simple fine. Neil holds his head low, and Andrew can’t help but wonder if Neil doesn’t wanna look him in the eyes after his disappearance so many years ago or if he simply doesn’t want to see Andrew’s face. Both options hurt him but he doesn’t have the heart to ask.

the end of part 1. come yell at me on twt or here hihi

[meibemeibelline]

highlights from that 32k word doc i wrote when i marathoned gazette’s songs (2002-2007)

PART 2 | PART 3

Some quick notes:

This is a combo of thoughts on music, lyrics and sometimes just funny things I found while I was hurriedly typing at 11pm listening to these songs. Not every song will be featured in these, sorry

At times I directly quote translations and when I do I’ll specify who I’m quoting, but just so you know first they are all either Defective Tragedy, Heresiarchy or Trauma Radio

Also, I’m planning on writing some longer essay-type things with these notes so there might be some things I skip over (such as a recurring theme in their songs) bc I want to use them elsewhere

CONTENT WARNING FOR LYRIC DISCUSSIONS: suicide (Ganges ni Akai Bara). i will bold the title so you can skip it if you want. it’s one paragraph long

HHHH this is already 2k words but anyway hope u enjoy my ramblings

 “I’d have to take a break from feminism to appreciate [Akai One Piece]”

“His delivery is still highly emotional and [Okuribi] overall is really emotional. Like the fact you can still hear and FEEL the sheer bittersweet feelings (mostly sadness) of someone you love passing away is like...really telling of 2002 gazette’s potential”

(Doro Darake no Seishun) “Bitch Aoi and Uruha are serving LOOKS like the red tartan blazer with the black shorts???? And Uruha with the red tank top and the pleather skirt with the garters THE OTHER GIRLS WISH THEY WERE HIM”

(Haru ni Chirikeri, Mi wa Kareru de Gozaimasu) “it’s about a flower that’s in love with a one-winged butterfly, and i imagine the point is that even though they sing songs for each other, they’re just so different that they don’t understand each other and they can’t be together. and they’re just...fated to end, and maybe try again next spring. and you can see that in human relationships too.”

“Akuyuukai i think is such a significant turning point musically like i just FELT a significant shift where they were really painting with their music and having it be more closely connected with the lyrics”

“[Linda Candydive Pinky Heaven] is a happy and fun song!! it’s doro darake no seishun’s cuter and cooler older sister. this also gave me a lot of serotonin and i’m glad this is a classic. it’s also this band’s first fan song (or closest to a fan song) and i think it’s quite meaningful because they were picking up as a band and were starting to really connect with people which is always so so great. and i think it’s cool that many songs before this were fun songs to jam out to but linda is specially DEDICATED to that. it’s so carefree and i think like...this is the exact thing many musicians love about performing and what fans love about concerts. it’s the escapism and just the SPACE to be yourself and have fun. it’s so freeing.”

(Black Spangle Gang) “I can’t believe GazettE were doing 2005 Miyavi before Miyavi did 2005 Miyavi”

(The Murder’s TV) “I think it’s cool how playful they make it sound -> like a creepy show that kids might see and the last chorus is pretty good. it’s a bop AND THE BASS AND GUITAR SOLOS SLAP. The lyrics are really interesting too and I LOVE the way Ruki embodies them with his voice”

“BITCHHH MAD MARBLE HELL VISION SLAPS. THIS IS WHAT I CALL NOISE MUSIC!!!!!!!”

“The composition on Kawareta Haru, Kawaneru Haru is actually SO good (and the costumes are fucking ICONIC). And Ruki is STILL getting better at singing. The chorus is melodic and the effects on the guitar just go so well like I think the others (probably since Akuyuukai actually) have been really getting to play with all sorts of effects on their instruments to make this new variety of sounds which is super rad. AOI SOLO SUPERIORITY BTW.”

“Indie gazette really love their key changes in the bittersweet songs in the last choruses.”

“Comparing the lyrics of [Sumire] to many of the last ‘goodbye’ songs, there’s a lot more imagery and scene-painting as opposed to like, just direct thoughts and feelings. And that’s really Ruki developing as a writer, I think, as his lyrics are becoming more subtle and open to different interpretations which is super cool! Like this is really him finding his voice and I know he’s going to be doing more of this over the years.”

“ANATA NO TAME NO KONO INOCHI SLAPS BUT THE LYRICS ARE FUCKED. LIKE, I KNEW THIS FROM THE BEGINNING BUT I REALLY WISH I WAS JARED, 19.”

“I LOVE MISEINEN SO FUCKING MUCHHHHH. I can only begin to imagine just HOW significant this song is for Ruki. This is him acknowledging his weaknesses and his flaws, looking around him and seeing the people he has, he writes about what he’s afraid of, he writes about how he’s going to change and move forward, what is MOST VALUABLE to him. This is A LOT. This is A LOT for anyone. It is a song about GROWTH – how he wants to grow yet is terrified of change, but even so is going to do it with the help of his support system. This is EVERYTHING. It’s raw and brave and so very beautiful. It has Wakaremichi and BEST FRIENDS energy. These three songs are best friends. And also like, for the last couple of releases Ruki’s been doing lots of wordplay and metaphors and using euphemisms, but this set of lyrics is just completely honest and STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART. Like, there ARE metaphors and symbols but he’s talking COMPLETELY about himself and his FEELINGS. I get emo whenever I listen to this song.”

(Carry?) “Apparently it’s about Frankenstein’s monster, so I guess this is another Concept Song. So this explains the flat vocals – the monster is undead but also…very sad and confused about what it is and its place in the world. ISN’T THAT ALL OF US ON SOME LEVEL…HAHA…”

“Zakurogata no Yuutsu is that 2010 fb meme where someone sees their partner right before going into a heart surgery only to wake up to find they’re gone and the doctor is like ‘omg who do you think gave you the heart😔’”

“WHAT THE FUCK WHY DID I SLEEP ON HANAKOTOBA. THIS IS AOI SONG SUPERIORITY. THE GUITAR SOLO IS ALSO GORGEOUS. Also love what he did with the melody getting higher in the end when the narrator questions the existence of the love they lost. AND THEY DIDN’T RESOLVE THE FUCKING CHORD PROGRESSION OHHH MY GODDDD BECAUSE “I’LL WITHER AWAY, NEVER KNOWING THE ANSWER” //THROWS. THESE GENIUSES. THIS IS THE BEST SONG ON THE ALBUM SO FAR AND THAT’S👏ON👏AOI👏SUPERIORITY👏Also I know that, literally, Hanakotoba is a flower on the side of the road but LISTEN. This is a soul that just wants love...This is the anthem for us lonely invisible bitches <3 This song has the MOST yearning. Thank u Aoi for my life. Like he is TRULY the composer with the most emotionality.”

(Tokyo Shinjuu) “I LOVEEEE THE BASS. This has a very old, classic Japanese style and it’s just…so good. You can really hear it in the melody. Also there’s just something SO feminine about it and I KNOW it’s that classic Japanese sound and like…god I love this gender bending with music. I adore the guitars too I think there’s such a good balance between them.”

(Shichigatsu no Youka) “I love how the lyrics are between sections too – the most emotional parts are in the big, emotional chorus, and the verses are more mellow when the narrator is sort of…more detached and Not Crying… The guitar melodies are really pretty and the solo is just GORGEOUS. It’s such a bittersweet song as well (god GazettE just do bittersweet EXTREMELY WELL) like bruh…already being sad over a breakup and OH DOUBLE WHAMMY THEY’VE MOVED ON like. Ruki sweetie I’m so sorry.”

[a rant about how I know Saraba is well-meaning and is about the peace and unity of a nation and is EXPLICITLY anti-war which I can definitely appreciate but my Chinese ass was just NOT having the whole painting the Japanese army as heroes deal]

(Reila) “Ruki’s vocals are SO GOOD here. ALSO YELLING AT THE BASS AND KICK DRUM BEFORE THE SECOND VERSE WITH THE PIANO. THE WAY THE KICK DRUM PANS THRU THE EARS. MOTHERFUCKER. AND THEN TO COME IN WITH THE GUITAR SOLO HOW DARE!!!!! YOU PLAY WITH MY EMOTIONS LIKE THIS!!!!!”

“COCKROACH SLAPS. Love that he reframes being compared to a cockroach as like, resilient (I’ll never break through -> I want to believe I’ll break through), and he’s embracing his crudeness and taking a huge dose of PHUCEMOL.” (Cr: Defective Tragedy)

(Sugar Pain) “God Aoi’s intro though………..I HATE THE BREATHING SO MUCH. No I’m actually really angry right now why is it actually good. YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO BE GOOD.” (I then had to stop after the first chorus for obvious reasons)

“Idk why the first thing I thought of when Bite to All started was ‘yeehaw’…[Also] I hate how I know exactly who is screaming at the end and when.”

“BTS 🤝 GazettE Gunshots in songs”

[My personal interpretation of Nausea & Shudder is not that it’s about the pressure of being true to oneself in the face of success, but rather that success itself is not what Ruki expected it to be and he’s figuring out how to navigate that and move forward. It is also just a really good set of lyrics.]

“There’s just a hopelessness that’s so profound in [Bath Room]. Like if depression was a song IT WOULD SOUND A LOT LIKE THIS… Up until this point this is the Darkest song AND WE’RE ONLY GONNA GET DARKER FROM HERE *sweats in DIM*”

“I love these unsaid words Ruki leaves in the booklets. Adds layers and messages for the listener (usually of hope)”

(Silly God Disco) “After reading the lyrics I love this song soo much more. Like it’s actually really nice to think about dancing and living life because you have rock music and it makes you happy. Also the FUNK. The flavour. Not only that, but the way Ruki SWEARS he will live happily, without fear, and always moving past pain and towards freedom and glory. And he INVITES the listener with him. This is just SO nice.”

“I think it’s interesting that like…for an album that is sort of Known to be depressing as hell, there are quite a lot of songs about resilience and just…living and moving forward. Depending on what the rest of the albums are about, NIL might actually be, weirdly, the one with the most hope in it.”

(Worthless War) ““Do you shoot first so you won’t get hurt? / Do you call that sort of thing ‘justice’” damn Worthless War spilled. This sounds like a whole lot of anxiety surrounding war, and a very strong criticism against the government for caring more about power than people. Even though violence is despair, he also says that this age of political tension and FEAR is also despair. And he is correct. Ruki: ALSO THE EARTH IS DYING???” (Cr: Defective Tragedy)

(Rich Excrement) ““Lyric killer is erectile dysfunction” + “Biters should check it out too” -> you’re a limp dick who rips off other people’s work I AM SCREAMINGGGGGG.”” (Cr: Defective Tragedy)

(Crucify Sorrow) “The main metaphor here is someone who is an insect with a broken shell – an empty person. With depression, probably…And I cannot help but think about Utsusemi, in which he uses this EXACT metaphor to describe himself and his own depression, his loneliness and his desire to disappear. Was this a coincidence??🤔”

(GANGES NI AKAI BARA) “I really like this song – music and lyrics both. Like even though it’s sad that the girl was in a lot of pain, kills herself and is condemned by her church, the narrator bringing her to Ganges and doing a sacred ritual for her so that she can find salvation is actually really really kind and meaningful??? Not only because it’s an act of kindness but also because the pain she was experiencing was emotional/mental (with the constant tsu-tsu-tsura-tsura-tsurai), salvation could relieve her soul from exactly that.” (Apparently Ruki said the narrator is Buddhist but in the context of the song Hindu makes more sense, so I’m just going with that)

(Calm Envy) ““If you could love even these words I’ve thrown your way / I could keep trusting only you as you stand in front of me / It hurts every time you bring up the past you’ve suddenly shown me / I want to love even that empty space where I don’t exist / I’ll wipe away my tears so you wouldn’t notice them / So don’t smile in front of me anymore than this” – SHUT UP THIS SHIT IS REALLY UNCONDITIONAL BUT THEY’RE TIRED OF BEING HURT. GOODBYE. GOODBYEEEEE.” (Cr: Heresiarchy)

(Circle of Swindler) “Ruki writing "how much do you buy us for? let's negotiate [the] value of pain" in circle of swindler to demand respect and acknowledgement of his worth from the higher ups of the music industry because it's the music born from his pain that's making their money is Quite sexy” (Cr: Defective Tragedy)

“[Stacked Rubbish] is about the baggage we have, the baggage we give each other, the Errors we make precisely because we are People who have souls. I think the point (of this album being like an anthology) is that everyone could find something in this album that speaks to them.”

[sinceileftyoublog]

New Bums Interview: Married Couple Vibe

BY JORDAN MAINZER

Unlike the mathematical approach of Six Organs of Admittance or the wound jangly pop of Skygreen Leopards, Ben Chasny and Donovan Quinn’s New Bums is like its name: contemporary slacker vibes, loose playing, easy, gorgeous tunes. The band’s first record, Voices in a Rented Room, came out in 2014, and almost immediately afterwards, they started recording its follow-up. It wouldn’t be released until this March, as the more layered but just as lackadaisical Last Time I Saw Grace (Drag City). Both Chasny and Quinn write songs, and each plays off the other one’s style as much as presenting their own. For instance, on the energetic “Oblieration Time”, which juxtaposes soloing and acoustic strumming, Chasny attempted to write lyrics like Quinn. As for Quinn’s lyrics, more generally, Chasny’s instrumentation shifts them. “One of the great things about songwriting [is] the way the lyrics come across versus what they actually mean,” Quinn said on a Zoom call earlier this year with me and Chasny. “The same words can be funny, sad, [or] ironic depending on the instrumentation behind [them]. It’s really fun to see what Ben does.” Chasny agrees that instrumentation matters, not citing a general philosophy but rather a YouTube video with almost 10 million views that overlays a scene of Darth Vader visiting the Death Star with a snippet of Spandau Ballet’s “True”.

Indeed, the buddy quality of New Bums shines through when they’re in the same room--even a virtual one. They laugh and play with each other and finish each other’s sentences, having been friends for a long time. But such a laid-back feeling wouldn’t be possible without each member’s distinct personalities. Chasny, knowing I was set to interview Chris Corsano later that day about his and Bill Orcutt’s excellent Made Out Of Sound, had me communicate an inside joke to Corsano, with whom he shares a band, Rangda. (The joke? Telling Corsano that he should make a pack of beats called “Chris Corsano’s Breakbeats,” to which Corsano cackled and replied, “You’ve been talking to Chasny.”) Chasny’s also self-deprecating: “I’m not a very good violin player, but the last song has me on the violin,” he shrugs about Last Time’s “Follow Them Up the Slope”. And he forgets the titles of the songs, facetiously chalking it up to the album’s lyrical themes of decay. Quinn, simply, is humble and go-with-the-flow.

Underneath it all are some serious aesthetic and instrumental chops from the both of them, a mix of guitars, harmonium (the circular “So Long, Kus”), violin, and keyboards. Opener “Billy, God Damn” is twangy and layered. “Onward to Devastation” features tasty riffing following the lilting folk of “Marlene Left California”. “Wild Dogs” shimmers, while “Hermitage Song” stuns with deep string textures. All in all, Chasny and Quinn talk about these songs with the same exuberance they do their other projects, or music by Corsano and Orcutt, or even legendary records by 90′s German drone artists. Music fans make music makers, and music bums never fade.

Read my conversation with them below, edited for length and clarity.

Since I Left You: What’s unique about Last Time I Saw Grace as compared to Voices in a Rented Room?

Donovan Quinn: I think both of the records come from the same place. A buddy record is the way I would put it, where it grew out of me and Ben in a room, playing two guitars, talking about ideas and records we admired. This one, we built the songs up a little bit more, added some layers to the songs with overdubs, and really added some depth to a lot of the compositions with vocal and guitar work and different synths, whereas the first one we tried to keep it as barebones as possible.

Ben Chasny: Yeah. I would say the first one was more slopdog, like a mutt running wild, and this one isn’t showdog level, but trimming up the dog a little bit, teaching it a couple tricks.

SILY: Maybe album 3 will be showdog. 

BC: Yeah. I think it’ll probably take a poop right in front of everybody, but it will still be up there.

SILY: Those layers are what I noticed from the get-go, on [opener] “Billy. God Damn”. Is that why you decided to have it first on the record and release it ahead of time?

BC: We ran through a number of sequences on the record. It just felt like a good one to start out with. There are definitely more vocal layers on this than the other record we did for sure.

DQ: Yeah, I don’t have a clear memory of recording a lot of these songs because we did it over a long period of time, and “Billy God Damn” is one of those songs. I think we put it first because it set a good tone for the rest of the record.

SILY: The sequencing definitely struck me. It goes back and forth between more up-tempo tracks like “Obliteration Time Two” and more lilting tracks like “Marlene Left California”. Is that something you had in mind when ultimately deciding on the order of the tracks?

BC: I think so, yeah, trying to balance it out without having one of the sides of the records being too much one direction.

SILY: I love records like this where the palate is mostly vocals and guitars but you throw in a wildcard like the harmonium, or the cello on “Street of Spies”. It makes those songs stand out.

DQ: “Street of Spies” has our buddy Jason Quever on cello who has a band called Papercuts. I work a lot with Jason and he was kind enough to put some cello on that one.

BC: He did the drums and some of the strings on the first record, too.

SILY: You could say the whole album has a loose quality, but on that song especially, you kept the false start and the countdown from the live recording.

DQ: We do like that kind of sketchbook vibe with our records.

BC: [laughs] I have a feeling I know what you’re gonna say, Donovan.

DQ: I’m not gonna say what you think I’m gonna say...Me and Ben have known each other for so long, it’s a married couple vibe where we know what the other person is gonna say or is thinking...With the way you can record records now, it’s pretty easy to really get things lined up and cleaned up. We thought with New Bums, it would be kind of a nice contrast to not do that, to keep things a little bit frayed.

SILY: It goes with the aesthetic suggested by the band name, too.

DQ: Yeah, exactly.

SILY: Did anything inspire the lyrics specifically?

DQ: Not anything specifically, but over time, both me and Ben writing, we kind of developed a sense of a type of record lyrically, and it seemed to be a lot of songs about decay and certain kinds of desperation. We built from that, not totally consciously, but everything seemed to gravitate towards it.

BC: I will say, when I wrote some of the lyrics to the song “Obliteration Time”, I was actually trying to write songs like Donovan’s band Skygreen Leopards, and I was hoping he would pick up on it. I was like, “Did you pick up on it?” He was like, “No, I didn’t at all.” That was what I was trying to do.

SILY: In some ways, you still have a ways to go in your marriage, then.

BC: Yeah, a lot of ways.

SILY: What were you going for on the first line of “Street of Spies”, “Who gives a fuck about clemency?”

DQ: You know, I don’t remember. And when we were listening back to different vocal takes, there was one that was so unusually angry for me that Ben was saying I sounded like Rage Against the Machine or something, so we changed it. I don’t know. It’s just meant to have the language contrast the mellow vibe of the song. I like that style when if you have a mellow song with lyrics that contradict that feel.

SILY: What’s the inspiration behind the album title?

BC: It’s a line [on the album]. When you listen to [the] song, you realize it’s the name of a woman, Grace, but in context on the front of the record, it has a different meaning, which we thought would be kind of fun. You listen to the record, and you realize, “Ah, I see what they’re talking about.” 

DQ: That was kind of a last-minute title. I think we got lucky with it. It fits really well with the kind of themes developed in the record: decay, desperation, etc.

SILY: Is Grace a real person or just a character?

Both: Just a character.

SILY: What’s the inspiration behind the cover art?

BC: Donovan had the concept behind the art.

DQ: We were gonna see if anyone noticed this, but if you look at the first cover and the second cover, it’s basically the same elements, but we took things away. The first one has the two triangles, and it’s pictures of me and Ben, and this one doesn’t have any pictures. The idea is for every album to have the same basic design that takes elements away to eventually have nothing at all.

SILY: What are you gonna lose on the next one? One of the triangles?

BC: Possibly. That’s when I get kicked out of the band.

SILY: Or it’s self-titled, and you can use New Bums as the band and the title.

DQ: The other day, something cool happened that reminded me of the cover and the two triangles. It doesn’t totally work, but I did this video that heavily references ZZ Top. For the video, we bought a couple of ZZ Top magical keychains, and I was trying to open a box with it, but the fucking thing broke! But the two extreme points of the keys broke off, and what’s left looks a lot like the two triangles.

BC: The original record cover from the first record was based on one of my favorite records, pretty much a tribute to it, a band called The Black Vial. He did a record called Frozen Morning in maybe the mid-90s. He did 300 of them, this German guy, Liebried Loch. They were wrapped in black electric tape, and that’s what held the photograph on. This really gorgeous looking record, one of the most dark, depressing records I’ve ever heard in my life. It’s just droning on electric guitar on a practice amp, really distorted, singing songs like, “Black crows, flying no more!” We based the original artwork off that record and then modified it.

SILY: Have you thought about doing a live stream or socially distant show?

BC: We should try to figure out how to do it together. We still have to figure out Zoom. We may not do Zoom a lot. We’re more Google. We know technology.

SILY: You’re not Luddites?

BC: We have most of our meetings on Google Hangouts. 

DQ: New Bums has a lot of meetings, and we spend a lot of time together, so it’s surprising it’s taken us 5 years to do two albums and two tours. 

BC: We do have some great video footage from that tour a couple years back filmed at a bookstore in San Francisco called Adobe Books, and I think we’re gonna put that out for people to check out.

SILY: Were some of the songs from this record performed there?

BC: Yeah, we [did] “Cover Band”.

SILY: Anything you’ve been listening to, watching, or reading lately that’s caught your attention?

DQ: I’ve been watching a lot of movies more than anything else. I have the Criterion Channel service, so I’ve been finding a lot of inspiration in that. I was just recommending the movie Close-up to Ben, if you want to feel that doing any kind of artistic endeavor might have some meaning, it’s worth it.

BC: I’ve been watching a lot of Poirot. That guy’s great. His relationship with Hastings is quite similar to Donovan and me, though I won’t say who is Poirot and who’s Hastings.

Last Time I Saw Grace by New Bums

[juuheizou]

i may have went a bit overboard with choosing numbers. i just love those asks a lot. here they are: 4, 9, 13, 23, 28, 34, 36, 38, 47, 49, 51, 53, 63, 79, 83, 84, 97, 99

ash your overboard numbers are the best thing that ever happened to me dw about it tysm!!

4: how do you take your coffee/tea?

i’ll drink it black/plain if i really want a caffeine fix and have nothing to put in it, but i have a big sweet tooth and i like it w sugar and/or flavored syrup, and milk is nice but not a requirement

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?

yES. i love to sing. like really love it. not to be emo but music has always been therapy to me. i was in a choir too for abt 4 years, and did some talent shows/open mics, and would really love to be in a band or something someday. i sing and hum around my house all the time

13: what’s something that made you smile today?

when i got home from work and laid in my bed for almost an hour straight (i’m running on critically low spoons ok don’t judge me) peachie followed me into my room as he always does when i get home, and hopped up and sniffed/licked me as he always does when i get home, but this time he stepped up onto my torso and laid down on me and we cuddled for a long time and it was v nice  :)

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?

listen to music and nap, maybe draw/write/do something creative if i have the spoons

28: sunrise or sunset?

sunset

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?

i don’t really remember the stuffed animals i had when i was v young, but when i was 16 i found this cute little stuffed giraffe at a thrift store and just had to have it. it’s not called anything. i tried thinking of a name and all i ever call it is ‘my giraffe’ but its a big comfort object of mine and i keep it in my backpack in case i need something to self-soothe with. i love stuffed animals and highkey want more

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now?

idk probaby like... velvet acid christ or some weird edgy ebm band like that. bc i am just CHILLIN and idk what i’m doing but i still like knives and blood and stuff

38: tell us about your pet peeves!

the list would be so long if i listed all of them, so imma just pick one and rant abt it a little. it really cheeses me off when ppl question u on irrelevant, personal stuff that i don’t wanna share and they don’t need to know. idk like the guy that helped my roommate move knew me for a few minutes and was immediately asking what i did for work, how many hours do i work, am i going to school, am i planning on going to school, why am i not in school, and i’m like ‘none of ur beeswax stranger.’ stuff like that. maybe its just bc i’m a v private person irl and have always been the person ppl share things with while not knowing much abt me, so it just seems unnatural and honestly intrusive when ppl i’m not all that close to start asking me personal stuff that i don’t readily share, esp when they get all pissy that i don’t wanna tell a stranger, my landlord, my coworker, etc a bunch of stuff they don’t need to know.

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?

fried onions in any kind of breading. they look so crispy and delicious, then u bite into them and onions.

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?

love it!! usually i’ll download the mp3s bc i’m broke, but when i can get them, i love having an album to hold and i love the little notes and lyrics inside the case and it’s just great. i haven’t bought a cd in a long time though bc money. the last cd i burned though was that ‘caress of steel’ one that i was so excited about

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them?

person: my mom. song: idek the name of the song or what verses are from which songs, but she played and sang patty griffin all the time so whenever i hear one of the songs of hers that i would hear so many times growing up i think of my mom

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them?

all of them but heathers. beetlejuice was ok. didn’t like pulp fiction but i might have liked it better if my pretentious film bro brother didn’t talk it up so much. for all it’s flaws, though, i love rocky horror and have it on dvd so i can watch it as much as i want

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?

ehh i like to be able to find what i want, but my bookshelf is a mess and so is my music library and i just... don’t do anything about it. not successfully anyway

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?

irl not much cute stuff happens to me, but i thought it was v sweet when my homie @nipnaap drew me a suzuya for my birthday last year!!

83: what’s some of your favorite album art?

i like one-eyed doll’s album art a lot, both the drawn covers and the ones w photos. they just look super artsy and cool. sinister also has nice album art, which is not something i often say abt death metal bands, but its really well-drawn and the color schemes are cohesive and i like it. idk i like bands w kinda ugly album art lowkey, but those are the most consistent producers of album art i like.

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?

i want tattoos all over my fricking body. i’m not gonna go into a tattoo shop and breathe my pathogens everywhere during a pandemic seeing as enough ppl in my area are already selfish enough to do that, but i hope to get my first one soon.

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house?

istp, libra, gryffindor

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.

honestly i don’t have the foggiest idea lately. i’ve been kinda having a problem w any music really making me feel much. am i in a depressed spiral or do i need to listen to more music, who knows?

send me some cute asks!!

[bl00dh0rs3]

I think ive finally figured out how to put my feelings of disappointment towards modern music into words, but it sounds so simple im almost worried it wont fully get my point across.

Modern music always feels like its in mourning.

The slow tempos. The perpetual search for songs that convey "Deep" feelings, often negative ones such as sadness, frustration, loss, and even just apathy. The heavy leaning towards mumble rap, and artists who sound like theyve spent their whole lives whispering.

Music is getting extremely thought provoking most days, if only by reminding us of the way the world is right now, and the things we see and do and deal with on a day to day basis. And that isn't necessarily a bad thing, definitely not! If anything im sure its evidence of humanities further evolution or whatever, but that's not what im talking about.

The reason i don't like modern music is bc this "genre" of Endlessly Depressing, Too Real, Makes-You-Sit-in-Bed-And-Stare-At-A-Wall-For-Three-Hours-While-Dissassociating music is bc it has saturated the musical market so heavily.

I miss party music. I miss music that you don't have to think about, music that you can just jump around to and pretend everything is ok bc dammit we NEED that kind of shit, especially now.

We're only civilians.

The most we can do the change the world at any given time is to vote, and when the polls aren't open, it does us no good to keep stressing about the way the world is and all the tragedy going on everywhere. Luckily, we already know abt compassion fatigue, so i Hope at least that ppl have that mindset under control.

But it goes beyond that too. Ppl are lonely. Ppl have anxieties, trauma theyre going through n recovering, depression, chronic illnesses, THOUSANDS of other issues--mental, physical, social, you name it. Everyone always just seems so stressed, everyone is running themselves ragged, and i know that everyone usually has their own ways to cope with it all too, and try not to let themselves spiral, which is fantastic! But i just.

I guess i just wonder sometimes what society would be like now if music about mindless fun and carefree lifestyles and partying had never god out of style?

Anyway, this is a long winded way of saying can we PLEASE bring back those boppin ass 2011 flipnote songs and bands like Basshunter's "I can walk on water i can fly", Numa Numa, Dam Dadi Do, and Nightcores of britney spears, lady gaga, and ke$ha songs now that its the rawring 20s and cringe culture is dead

[michaelmilkers]

I saw in one of your tags that you mentioned how 21 pilots made emo pretentious and im actually curious about why you say that (not hate i just never knew about them that much)

my friend you have asked me about a topic i am very knowledgeable and very angry about so prepare yourself for what you have wrought

it isnt just twenty one pilots but theyre just the biggest and most popular example

like. take my chemical romance in the early-mid 2000s aka the peak of emo. it was very melodramatic and theatrical, the way emo should be. there was a presence of “we are not like other people” in a lot of the songs, but it was never just that. it was more of a “we have been cast out and we kinda suck but thats okay.” one of the best examples of this is, ironically, i’m not okay.

take, for example, the opening to the mtv music video:

[Ray] You like D&D, Audrey Hepburn, Fangoria, Harry Houdini and croquet. You can't swim, you can't dance and you don't know karate. Face it, you're never gonna make it. [Gerard] I don't wanna make it, I just wanna...

this immediately establishes the song as being about social outcasts and people who dont fit the mold. the fucking tag line of the song is “i’m not okay” ffs, that really tells you all you need to know about the song. but the important thing is it doesnt take itself too seriously either. the music video takes place in a private school, and shows scenes of the band members eating lunch alone, being bullied by jocks and preps, etc., but it ALSO shows scenes of frank putting swim goggles on in chemistry class and ray drawing on his test with a crayon and then licking it, and at the end they all ambush and beat the shit out of a guy in a mascot costume. all of this is cut up by text saying things like “if you ever felt alone” “if you ever felt wronged” “if you ever felt anxious”

do you see the juxtaposition here? the music video could very very easily be a fake deep bullying psa, but its not, because while theyre getting bullied and playing their music in a garage they are also, unequivocally, total fucking losers for obvious comedic effect. it is a very exaggerated and lighthearted version of real phenomena, which makes it more relatable to a wider audience.

the same can be said about the song itself. it has some pretty heavy and angsty lyrics (”i’m not o-fucking-kay”) but the instrumentals are punchy and energetic and catchy and gerard’s vocal delivery is very theatrical but also very deliberate and he still puts real emotion in the words. it sounds like its taking the piss out of not being okay, which is exactly what i as a clinically depressed 13 year old needed, and i bet a lot of other people can say the same. i’m a loser and thats okay. i fucking suck in school and thats okay. i feel shitty and thats okay. i’m not okay and that, in itself, is okay.

with twenty one pilots, on the other hand, there is no theatrics, theres no taking the piss, theres no over-the-top melodrama that made emo what it was. 

take, for comparison, the opening lines of heathens:

All my friends are heathens, take it slow Wait for them to ask you who you know Please don't make any sudden moves You don't know the half of the abuse

and this presents, immediately, one of my biggest criticisms of twenty one pilots: their rampant appropriation of mental illness.

because my first thought when hearing this is as an abuse survivor and someone with ptsd they can kiss every single square inch of my ass.

Welcome to the room of people Who have rooms of people that they loved one day Docked away Just because we check the guns at the door Doesn't mean our brains will change from hand grenades You're loving on the psychopath sitting next to you You're loving on the murderer sitting next to you You'll think, "How'd I get here, sitting next to you?"

they try to do the same kind of nuanced poetic lyrics that my chemical romance did and in my opinion is just doesnt fucking work because they take themselves SO. FUCKING. SERIOUSLY. it sounds JOYLESS. 

and the song closes out with this:

Why'd you come? You knew you should have stayed (It's blasphemy) I tried to warn you just to stay away (Away) And now they're outside ready to bust (To bust) It looks like you might be one of us

this is what i mean by pretentious. there is a clear separation of the person/people from whose point of view the song is told and the people the song is meant to be listened to by from the greater population, but theres no high energy or comedic self deprecation to counteract it. 

now take some lyrics from heavydirtysoul, a song i actually really like the sound of, im not just shitting on this band bc its not to my taste yall:

There's an infestation in my mind's imagination I hope that they choke on smoke 'cause I'm smoking them out the basement This is not rap, this is not hip-hop Just another attempt to make the voices stop

Nah, I didn't understand a thing you said If I didn't know better I'd guess you're all already dead Mindless zombies walking around with a limp and a hunch Saying stuff like, "You only live once." You've got one time to figure it out One time to twist and one time to shout One time to think and I say we start now Sing it with me if you know what I'm talking about

right back at it again with that appropriation of mental illness symptoms! and some dumbass critique of our generation that doesnt fit in with the rest of the song at all, closing out the verse with “we are not like you” shit. the vocal delivery at least has more energy than heathens, but the lyrics just feel like a mishmash of different points theyre trying to make that have nothing to do with each other.

the best line of the song is undoubtedly “death inspires me like a dog inspires a rabbit” but its poetic just... for the sake of being poetic? its one of those lyrics that sounds like someone came up with and was like “bro we gotta put that in a song” but then couldnt actually figure out how to fit it into a song in a way that would flow. another example of this is “i cant drown my demons they know how to swim” in bring me the horizon’s can you feel my heart. not shitting on bring me the horizon, i really like sempiternal, but thats another line thats just poetic for the sake of being poetic. and to be put on t-shirts. i know this because when i was 12 i had a shirt that said “i cant drown my demons they know how to swim” on it.

i could do more analysis on other mcr songs, namely welcome to the black parade and famous last words, but i would be here for literal hours and idk if people actually care that much.

to sum my points up:

they take themselves too seriously. they appropriate and romanticize mental illness (forgot to mention that top’s website, at one time, described their music as “schizoid pop” lol). they pull a lot of “We Are Not Like Other People..,.,.,,...” shit. 

that last point is not inherently a bad thing, for example the new slipknot album is literally called “we are not your kind” but the song that contains that line as a lyric is all out life, and corey taylor is screaming that entire song and the instrumentals are reminiscent of speed metal with how fucking energetic they are. its edgy and its GREAT. twenty one pilots just sounds like they think theyre the shit.

also, and i want you to read the following sentence in a bass boosted voice to best understand how i feel when i say this:

the twenty one pilots cover of cancer is an embarrassment that completely misses the point of the original song and changed it into a weird amalgamation of lo-fi synth pop.

emo music is dead. thank u and goodnight.

[kvndeathmusic]

my favorite records of the 2010s pt 1 (the less great stuff/honorable mentions)

Neither this post or its followup are going to be in any particular order, however all the records I talk about here are, in my opinion, not as good as the records i will talk about in my part 2. they’re all fantastic but these ones slightly a little less fantastic than the ones in my “top 10″. none of this is based on stuff like 'influence' or whatever other critics base their lists on, this is solely how much I enjoyed these records. And keep in mind, I'm only human, I havent listened to a good lot of records I've heard others describe as top 10 worthy, these are just records I found and that I resonate with. long post ahead. 

Vacation - Bomb the Music Industry (2011)

If you asked me what my favorite band is i will either say bomb the music industry or jeff rosenstock, but considering those are pretty much the same things it doesnt matter lol. While Vacation isnt a perfect record, it is one I love. It lacks some of the ska elements that I love about earlier BTMI records, but at the same time, it is the first record where Jeff’s “””solo””” career sound starts to form in tracks like Sick, Later, Hurricane Waves, Everybody That You Love, Everybody That Loves You, and Vocal Coach. And these tracks are all fantastic, especially the absolutely explosive opener Campaign For a Better Weekend. Where this album suffers in my mind is the fact that it exists as a weird hybrid middle ground between BTMI and modern Jeff Rosenstock, it isn’t really ska like old BTMI and it’s not quite to the same standard as the tracks on We Cool?. And some of the songs are just, not as good as the others, like Why, Oh Why, Oh Why (Oh Oh Oh Oh), which is washed out almost entirely in reverb, and tracks like Savers feeling barren and missing additional instrumentation. But fuck man I can not dislike this record or just call it “ok” because despite this I still listen to this record a lot, it’s so catchy and fun and Im a bit too chronically addicted to btmi. 

Reflektor - Arcade Fire (2013)

i dont really get the hate/mixed feelings others have with this record. there’s so many good tracks dude!!!! sure theres a bit of a slump in the middle and it doesnt reach the same emotional heights as their previous records you gotta be ignorant to overlook this records strengths. while i do like The Suburbs more than Reflektor, man i just vibe HARD with some of these tracks; the title track, We Exist, Here Comes The Night Time, Normal Person, Awful Sound (Oh Eurydice), Porno, and ESPECIALLY Afterlife. Plus the cover art is cool and I like it. However Flashbulb Eyes is one of the worst tracks Arcade Fire has ever put out and I hate it immensely. And while far less offensive, tracks like You Already Know, It’s Never Over (Hey Orpheus), and Joan of Arc are just kinda boring and/or uninteresting. Now granted, I'm extremely biased when it comes to Arcade fire in general unless were talking about the trainwreck that is Everything Now. I started listening to Arcade Fire just before Reflektor came out, and I have a kinda sentimental attachment to the record. ill explain the feeling more when i talk about The Suburbs. anticipation oooooo.

good kid m.A.A.d city - Kendrick Lamar (2012)

i might get crucified by some for not putting this in my top 10, but whatever come at me i guess. gkmc is a fantastic record, but i do think the ending is weak, which is why it’s here instead of in the top 10. i mean, let’s be real, Real is a mediocre track, and while Dying of Thirst is an important track to the whole narrative of the record, it feels way too long. almost everything else about this record is fantastic, from the beats, to kendrick’s nasally flows, to the overall structure of the record spinning a tale of a young man battling demons both inside and out, and his eventual redemption. even if i find this record at times to drop pace, it really is flawless otherwise. it felt like a disservice to put this in the 20-10s, bc it’s a good record, but i had to make some compromises and this was one of them. 

RTJ2 - Run The Jewels (2014)

el-p and killer mike are a perfect duo, and the tracks they make together are always total bangers. and for me, RTJ2 is the best overall, with RTJ3 in a close second. it’s hard to put this on the lower half of the list, some of the tracks just don’t work as well as the others, but despite that there’s not really any tracks i hate or dislike on this record, minus maybe crown. the pure aggression in the opening track Jeopardy sets the tone for an aggressive yet highly focused record. This is some of the best rap out there right now if you want some music to fuck shit up to. 

Pure Comedy - Father John Misty (2017)

This record is both hilarious and extremely bleak. Josh Tillman is a master of satire and sarcasm, and Pure Comedy is the peak of his songwriting skills. The title track is one of the best tracks of the decade, period. And he keeps up the momentum on the following few tracks. The main problem with this record is its weaker second half, but even then it’s criminal to suggest that those songs aren’t good regardless. And despite the bleakness, the one line that sticks in my head after all this time is the line this album fades out to: There’s nothing to fear.

Knife Man - AJJ (2011)

Continuing on the trend of folky, satirical, and bleak records, Knife Man is AJJ’s defining record (next to their debut LP). AJJ blends loud, punky anthems with quieter, folk tracks that touch on sensitive issues in a way only AJJ manages to get away with. And there’s some genuine heart mixed in as well, with the final track Big Bird always striking a chord with me. However, I do feel the record is, let’s just say, padded at times in my opinion. Still, I can’t deny how much i enjoy tracks like Gift of the Magi 2, Hate Rain on Me, The Distance, and Skate Park. Speaking of which when I saw AJJ live recently they played none of those songs and that kinda sucked but hey it was like $20 I can’t complain. And speaking of not getting what I wanted...

You Won’t Get What You Want - Daughters (2018)

It was hard choosing between this record and their 2010 self titled record, but in terms of the overall narrative and variety this record shines through. If there was a number 11 spot in this unorganized list this would probably take that spot. It’s noisey, it’s abrasive, and it’s like nothing you’ve heard before unless you’ve listened to Daughter’s previous records. Tracks like The Reason They Hate Me are catchy in the weirdest and most unwelcoming of ways, Less Sex sounds like a long lost Trent Reznor NIN track, and Guest House is a masochistic and gut wrenching finisher. Fantastic record aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

We Cool? - Jeff Rosenstock (2015)

It’s obvious that I had to include this record somewhere on these list. It’s like a more refined version of the sounds that Jeff experimented with on Vacation. Definitely more punk than ska, but still some of those roots still shine through, especially in the track Nausea. Some of Jeff’s best songs are on this record, from the loud opening tracks Get Old Forever and You, In Weird Cities, to tracks dripping with bittersweet and moody lyrics like I’m Serious, I’m Sorry and Polar Bear or Africa. The main reason this record is on the back end of the top 20 is because the deeper cuts on the record do not match the energy and heights of the best tracks. Tracks like All Blissed Out, The Lows, Darkness Records and Beers Again Alone don’t feel like they belong and stick out a bit. They remind me more of the material Jeff put out on his 2012 EP I Look Like Shit. Mind you they aren’t bad tracks, but I’ll be honest I skip them often when listening to the record because i just wanna get back to the good good stuff. 

Sports - Modern Baseball (2012)

Sports is one of the best pop punk records ever, if you can even consider it as such. It’s like a blend of emo and folk punk, and it works so well. A good majority of this record is on my main shuffle playlist. Is it pushing boundaries? Not really, but tracks like Re-Do, Tears Over Beers, and See Ya, Sucker are undeniably catchy and memorable. I NEED MODERN BASEBALL BACK TOGETHER RN. There’s not really anything that wrong with the record, besides maybe lacking in variety, but at 30 minutes, it’s a record that feels nostalgic even on a first listen, and continues to feel that way even after numerous re-listens. Speaking of nostalgia...

The Suburbs - Arcade Fire (2010)

Some background, when I was 13 (circa 2013), I only really listened to whatever my parents put on for me. From my mom, I “inherited” a taste for classic pop and 80s new wave. From my dad, I got metal and hard rock. The first time I made the conscious decision to listen to a record fully, based on my own curiousity, was when I sat and listened to Sgt. Pepper in the summer of 2013, which broadened the scope of what I thought music could even be. And later that year, the first band I got into after The Beatles? Arcade Fire. When I think of my early teens, the memories are set to this record. I remember listening to Ready to Start in my brother’s old hot ass car while driving to the local fair with some friends on a chill fall night, eating tons of junk and staying up past midnight back when doing that was edgy and cool and not a symptom of my depression. 

If I was judging this record solely by its best tracks, it would easily be in the top 3. But I couldn’t place it in my top 10 because, frankly, some of the deeper cuts are lacking. I can’t say I like Deep Blue. I really don’t like Rococo. And Half Light I kills the pace of the record. But man, that title track, Ready to Start, Modern Man, Empty Room, Half Light II, Sprawl II... these songs defined my early teen years. I still tear up listening to the title track. Sure I have to skip a few songs when I re-listen, but I can’t place it any lower or my heart will break. It existing outside of the top 10 already hurts. And that’s all that’s left now. The top 10. 

But first, some random honorable mentions that didn’t make this list:

Sound & Color - Alabama Shakes

Black Star - David Bowie

Saturation II - BROCKHAMPTON

Melophobia - Cage the Elephant

Teens of Style - Car Seat Headrest

How to Leave Town - Car Seat Headrest

Daughters - Daughters

Sunbather - Deafheaven

Bottomless Pit - Death Grips

Year of the Snitch - Death Grips (should be on this list tbh)

Doris - Earl Sweatshirt

I Love You, Honeybear - Father John Misty

Helplessness Blues - Fleet Foxes

Plastic Beach - Gorillaz

Boarding House Reach - Jack White

POST- - Jeff Rosenstock

S/T - Joyce Manor

Firepower - Judas Priest

ye - Kanye West

KIDS SEE GHOSTS - KSG

You Were There - Kill Lincoln

Flying Microtonal Banana - King Gizzard

Infest The Rats’ Nest - King Gizzard

No New World - Mass of the Fermenting Dregs

Bury Me At Makeout Creek - Mitski

Puberty 2 - Mitski

Unsilent Death - Nails

Itekoma Hits - Otoboke Beaver

Morbid Stuff - PUP

A Moon Shaped Pool - Radiohead

RTJ3 - Run the Jewels

Angles - The Strokes

To Be Kind - Swans

Undertale OST - Toby Fox

Scum Fuck Flower Boy - Tyler, The Creator 

Igor - Tyler, The Creator

Weezer (White Album) - Weezer

nightlife - yuragi