#bc im a fucking perfectionist
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#sketching is so fun#finishing stuff isn’t#i get so tired while doing linearts or painting stuff#bc im a fucking perfectionist#its exhausting#more sketches#bucky barnes#steve rogers#stucky#kinda#lmao#my poor boys
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reflection
#anyways so i think samus has major survivors guilt and is a super perfectionist. The type of girl who reimagines scenarios in her mind#And thinks about how she could have done better. like ‘if i had woken up sooner maybe i could have saved everyone in prime 3’#so i think she says she doesnt know anything about herself because shes so hypercritical of her actions she doesnt see herself as a person#while also her hyper critical-ness shows how she says she wants to ignore herself but she literally cant because she has so many criticisms#oh i wanted to include the ppl from the prime 2 manga in that one shot but was like ‘i dont think ppl will recognize them’.#also lol the existence of dark samus would fuck her up SOOOO bad like it only exists bc she exists & its responsible for the gang’s deaths#okay im done rambling tldr MENTAL ILLNESS.#metroid#samus aran#loneart#metroid dread#metroid prime#super metroid#metroid series#i dont wanna tag all the games. There just those games is enough#hall of fame#gray voice
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I love when I post colored sketches and people are like 'ooooh the lines oooh the textures' because I'm like oh you like when I put less effort into cleaning things up and making them smooth and fancy huh 👀
#genuinely it makes me happy bc im like YAYYYY I CAN PUT LESS EFFORT INTO STUFF AND STILL HAVE IT LIKED WOOHOO#I do like the sketchy look too I follow some artists that only do it#but I still get in the habit of being like ok polishing a piece for posting means Smooth Lineart#and I love to be wrong in that regard#I do also just like the smooth look sometimes depending! I wouldnt do it ever if I hated it#some real crisp lines can just be so good#but also I do so adore saying fuck it we ball and coloring my scribbles#rainy rambles#i should do it more#i used to way back when#idk what changed or why i got all perfectionist even more than usual#especially since i love sketching more than any other part of the process
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Went into a frenzy and wrote out an entire random scene thats now made me completely reconsider the outline of my modern au.
#that + thr fanart i reblogged again a few days ago..#also grinding my teeth tryign to figure out how to balance the amount of realism i want with the timeline ive set#like when hiccup loses his leg then moves to burgess shortly after and he prefers his prosthesis to crutches but realistically that wouldn'#be a good idea so soon + hassle of setting up with a new prosthetist after moving etc etc and i know i can literally choose to just.#not go that in detail with it like if i dont bring it up too much ppl probably wouldn't notice but im a chronic over thinker grhash#fuck it other stories r never realistic with recovery timelines for traumatic amputations sighs like sad ant with bindle and ambles away#moth.txt#my aus#grrgr i need a name for this au i think abt it almost as much as the fantasy au i dont talk abt bc im a perfectionist
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half a Saïx (and thumbnail) done on twitch
#kingdom hearts#kingdom hearts saix#kh saix#this was actually really fun!#for a while ive been dreading over more complicated art#since i got out of practice and thought retraining myself was too daunting#but like everything i just had to try n shit#my skills fell into place and suddenly im not lost anymore. really helps im not tryna be a perfectionist#fuck all that it was bc of the thumbnail pose
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...
#aye. in another life i would have loved to be an illustrator#i dont like to do digital tho and i dont wanna b a starving artist and i like science too much#but it would make me so hsppy if i was allowed to draw all day everyday#forever and ever drawing#but nooo i wanted to get a phd in microbial evolution. and im procrastinating working on my preproposal#literally doing anything to not work on it. i coulf have been a illustrator. an endocrinologist. a neurobiologist. a paleontologist. but i#chose microbial ecologist then thought no fuck ecology and went for photosynthetic mechanisms#bc i do love my lil cyanos and i do love Microbiology. i love those underapprecated lil guys#the world is so big and beautiful and all i wanna do is understand. but my stupid brain doesnt work right and ive burried my wonder for so#long i wonder if ill ever have it back. i was reading a bunch of lil notes i wrote this semester and i go from#everything is so beautiful i cant stand it. there are angels in the sunbeams and they feel like healing. to im the world around me is#warping beyond my control. i cant feel any joy. my head is sending me terrible ideas but im not even scared. it feels inevitable#but last week i was so full of energy i couldnt sleep. nothing changed but the chemicals in my head#hopefully next semester will b better and i can stop feeling like damaged goods and feel bad fro my advisor#for having to deal with me. hes v nice and has a bip0lar brother so he's sympathetic but i wish he didn't have to b#i want to stop fantasizing about being something else and just focus on being better at what i am#but im such a pathological perfectionist that its so difficult to make any progress. but whatever ive been feeling alright for the#past week or so. hopefully that carries through. and maybe somedsy i can illustrate something for my precious baby cyanobacteria#unrelated
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this is. an EXTREME long shot. but im trying to make a transcript for yu yu hakusho and i need subtitles to help for parts that i cant make out, but ive come to an issue:
the box set i got just. doesnt have subtitles for the dub for some fucking reason
hulu, which is being payed for, only has 2 seasons of yu yu hakusho, for some fuckign reason
funimation/crunchyroll, while once having the show available for free with ads, now has everything after season 1 locked, and everything from episode 4 onward locked specifically for the dub
any 🏴☠️ sites im finding online does not have subtitles for the dub
so that brings me to the point of this post: since i have the yu yu hakusho box set, i am NOT giving crunchyroll/funimation any more money. and so even though its a long shot, would anyone be okay with me using their already-subscribed account on crunchyroll or funimation so i can use the subtitles for my transcripting?
EDIT: someone very awesome and sweet is helping me and sharing their account now!!! so ig disregard this post now!
#i would just watch it without subtitles but i dont wanna guesstimate whats being said if i cant quite make smthn out (looking at YOU jin)#and i also cant type out the subtitles 1:1 bc sometimes the wording is just sliiiightly off#and ofc i have to be a fucking perfectionist#anyways. i dont expect anyone to be comfortable to share their account but if there is anyone id appreciste it SO much#bc its so unfair that to get dub subtitles id have to pay MORE money so i can watch it online when i already got the box set :(#lame as fuck that they limited the show to subscribers once the box set dropped bc it USED to be available for free#and they just blocked unsubscribed ppl without any warning#literally before i got the box set i was in the middle of a rewatch#and when i went back to continue after just a few days i just couldnt watch anymore#im gonna be posting this transcript online btw so itll be available for everyone#im hoping others will find it useful too
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I am once again eyeballing the weekly singer-songwriter events at my local music venue... when am i gonna restring my guitar and quit being a scaredy pants.....
#i have....songse.....#but idkkkkkk#i can't say i've never performed in front of ppl before. that would be the biggest lie of all time.#i've done theatre actively since i was 9 years old.#but likeee.... im shyy (i am not)#and i know these events have to be like so lowkey....#but i am a perfectionist#and i think i would die if i fucked up playing my basic guitar chords in front of a bunch of local strangers#so i have to get my shit back together with guitar#and i would maybeee have my sis go with me the first time... i need reassurance aghghgh#i just have lowkey low self esteem as a performer bc of my theatre past. and i have 2 believe that i am good actually...#.txt#goals for next year!!! i will do that!!!!!!!
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raises my hand i actually like the concept of a shitty parent getting better i just hate when its used to be like "im good now so you should forgive me."
people grow and change and hurt people!!! and those hurt people deserve to move on without having to forgive their abuser!!!
#this is why i get defensive when ppl make all sorts of reasons why rhinedottir did what she did#if she killed dorian for being imperfect then whatever!! i hate her for that but you dont have to#not only does it go with her little mental break that she 100% had lets be honest#it also fits the “Perfectionist” thing that the sinners were trying so hard to achieve#it MAKES SENSE#even if its nuanced that doesnt make it ok!!! but at the same time i dont think shes 100% stuck to being a terrible person nor do i think++#shes always been a bad mother#i think she was a great mother before everything went downhill and honestly if she gained a sense of apathy towards her kids itd MAKE SENSE#ofc im not saying this is true. im just saying its possible and it doesnt take away from her as a character#elynas is just as reliable a source as albedo dare i say!!! he was not in a strange mindset bc he wasnt corrupt like durin#the way he described her was valid. so was albedos when he said she threatened to leave him.#if the trauma from the cataclysm is what caused everything#that makes sense#but its not an excuse and it doenst mean she had some extra hidden reason for what she did. sometimes people are bad people!!! clearly she+#did SOMETHING right with albedo because he has a sense of morality. but even so you can TELL shes not a good mom EVEN TO HIM#i dont know where im going with this im getting turned around UHM#TLDR; shes a terrible mother. and a pretty bad person. but that doesnt mean im saying shes evil without nuance#it just means what it sounds like#plenty of parents fucking SUCK without meaning to. whether she cared or not she was still a pretty bad mother. thats all im saying#im willing ot talk about her but im NOT willing to have people argue that any of her children deserved what they got.#not albedo and NOT dorian.#elynas to dorian to albedo is a great pipeline for her as a character. which is why i like to believe elynas came first;#alfisol and dorian came close to last#and then albedo came last long after the others#every character has nuance however i am allowed to dislike them despite that#tzu rambles#that said i understand how it comes off as biased when i only talk about her children but unfortunately her children are the only reason i+#know about her at all. thye are my favorites and my content centers around them </3
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these research papers are literally killing me
#i can be a lit major i said. it will be easy for me bc i write good i said.#WELL I CANT WRITE GOOD FOR THIS MANY PROJECTS AND PAGES#fuck#okay i know i can do it im just. everything is working against me im not even kidding#home and work life and transportation and childcare does not make much room for uni#SCREAMING THRASHING#and im a perfectionist on top of this#im gonna kill#anyway#rant in the tags
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am i really gonna make drawings where the love live, bandori, revue starlight, d4dj and project sekai characters interact? mayhaps.......
there is only. 4 boys not counting kaito and len that will be in the drawings lmao
#crow talks#not gonna be big just something silly for me to do bc ik im gonna be a perfectionist#first thing im gonna be doing tho is figure out how im gonna draw the μ girls........#bushiverse real man--#i just need to reach leah and the sato hinata collection will be true lmao#noa and towa will fucking explode thinking abt it.......#also muni and nico would be a funny interaction. those two look similar and stuff hehe#ichika is the only non geki protag (unless the stories say otherwise) which. is a funny thought.#I GOTTA DRAW KAORU AND CHISATO INTERACTING W THE REVSTAR GIRLS#idk if im putting a few relive girls but if i want to then they'll be there
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buried under academic shit and tssm obsession. why?
#im not even doing all my homework 😭😭#composition takes everything from me#like i spent a whole weekend doing only composition and im STILL not even half ready for tomorrows class bc i want to get it Perfectly Righ#my fishbowl genius bestie deserves only the best and im half dissociating from the Vibe in the process 😔#anyway. yeah. i aint gon show up much because i have so much shit due every week i barely get to rest. also have chronic no energy illness#not even a burnout bc i fucking love my speciality but just. yeah. wish i could fucking stop the time#(also the basic subjects are shit and i despise them except for english and it classes bc im fucking nailing it and want to learn more)#ALSO yeah tssm.i have So many thoughts on norman but i cant post them because i didnt rewatch season 2 yet. and theres no time for that now#also ALSO i have an analysis of mysterios themes and i want to look into ottos themes but i have to extract#both of those first which idek how to do properly and trying will take ages and im chronically perfectionist so.
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#letting go. rather. been doing things in a day lately.#if it goes past 2 days im not allowing it. bc i need to stop obsessing over everything.#so ofc i took the time to have my daily doodle be bullshit as always.#i do need a break tho. pain bad. very bad. need to charge up bc this month is fucking busy. need to stop drawing .#ghost stories quote popped up in my head with this one. it is what it is.#irony of this one. forced myself to draw something about trying to quell the Perfectionist demon in a single day.#acceptable.#fk#m fk#c-c fk#i honestly cant remember the last time my pain was at a 6 or lower. its just been. 7-9 range for months now. im miserable. its whatever. i#kind of doubt i'll ever be that low again at this rate. its like. 2020 all over again. i cant. take it.#kinda hopeless but still here unfortunately#future isnt scary. its terrifying. its petrifying. dont want to live in this much pain anymore#sigh.#thats why doodles done in one day are good. less stress on drawn-out things.#hard for me tho.#ngl tho i found it unreasonably funny drawing this. i was quite physically cracking up imagining like. ok. youre quite literally choking to#death. and your face is all red. but only one half on account of the Syndromes. idk. idk why i found that so comical. i couldnt contain#my shit. so much so that i almost became the very picture i was drawing. bc i began to choke on the pizza i was eating. only for a#fleeting second. but still. saw my life flash b4 my eyes.#also a firm believer that pretentious artists are fucking stupid and annoying and at times quite ableist. and i personally revel in how i#literally am just like.oh. my anatomy i drew looks fucked up? botched hands? flat collar? asymmetrical eyes? like jokes on you. those thing#in my irl LEGIT are like that so technically my 'wrong/bad' anatomy is correct. suck it. however me drawing the brachial region vs me#drawing anything else is silly.#bc the amount of knowledge i have for the anatomy there specifically in comparison is so much more vast. so like i hyper render collars#and necks. meanwhile whenever i try and draw anything else im crying bc its such a struggle due to the fact that i dont fucking understand#how these other places work.
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Thank you, younger me, for drawing so many things in which the lines were never quite right. It is quite literally the only reason I ever figured out how to get them right.
#And I imagine future me will have a very similar thing to say when I am them and they are no longer me.#original#something about zyr improved composition and speed hopefully#i keep wanting to use she pronouns for future me. probably bc that is what i do for past me sometimes.#but i really don't think I'm ever going to want she her pronouns again#I still don't get my lines exactly how I want them a lot of the time but I am at a point where I'm fairly confident I can#produce nearly anything I see in my head and capture the spirit of it in a way that makes me proud.#even if it takes a really really long time sometimes.#and although I don't think the art I made growing up was bad i love the phrase#' the road to good art is paved with bad art.' I think I saw it in a video by Bobby Chiu? idk.#and I like it because whenever I'm not sure about what I'm making and I get to insecure or perfectionist about it#*too insecure#I remember that if I want to get good at the thing I'm struggling with I'm going to have to do it poorly or just okay a bunch of times#and that doing this is my ticket to this skill I'm placing value on. also doesn't hurt that Im drawing things I love and I enjoy doing it#although at this point I really really should just sit down and study leg muscles for like a hundred years#it's one of the more longstanding blindspots of mine. that and literally everything that is not people.#as in locations animals objects scenery... did you know that most graphic novels have some or all of those things???#how homophobic that in order to show my characters experiencing such luxuries as plot action and context I couldn't just#drop them on a gradient and be done with it!#I've been drawing for like 20 years and only a couple years ago was i like... OH MY GOD I CAN'T DRAW A FUCKING TREE
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hitting the same realization that i do every few weeks: if i want my story and my characters to exist i do in fact have to write them. god damn it. and it wont work this time either
#i have the plot i have important scenes but i can not for the life of me connect it all together. the inbetweens are killing me#much like in real life i dont know how to get from one point to another#a big problem is im writing a plot about a revolution and i want it to be slightly nuanced but i am too stupid for realistic nuance#cuz like ill be real i dont enjoy historical politics because theres to much to keep up with#im not going for les miserables im going for star wars. a nuanced star wars.#but star wars nonetheless. i am not a chess master nor do i want to be. but i feel like i have to be#we love being such a perfectionist you cant even start smth bc you think itll be not good enough#and if thats an ocd symptom ill fucking lose it#wails#n e ways
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I gave up for a few days but im so so so close to being done with the lineart for this drawing now I can almost taste my freedom......
#i need to stop being such a fucking perfectionist literally no one will notice half the edits I make. but iiiii notice 😭#but nah I just have like. one more decorative bit thats fairly simple and a couple tiny outfit tweaks + to add placeholder text....#and then I can colour it in which should be fuuunnnn :D I already know the vibe im going for + have a couple filter gradients prepped#my head hurts im so tireddd. bedtime i fink#.diaries#my main motivation to finish the lineart atm is that im gonna show it to friends once its at that stage ive been sitting on it so long#i feel like im gonna explode if i dont get any artistic attention sjdkdn esp bc my flatmate keeps showing me so much of her sickass art 😭 l#she printed out a bunch and gave some to me 😭😭😭😭😭😭 idc that its all bg3 stuff its so cuuuuttteee :3#id love to print this one when its done but id need to find somewhere that would print decently sized on nice paper#bc i dont think the details would come out very well if it was postcard sized like her prints. hmmmm
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