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glittercracker · 5 years ago

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Kingkiller Crap

So, I’ve never really posted much here that involves my own thoughts. There are a number of reasons why, but whatever. I feel the need NOW to post some thoughts, and having no working independent blog (yet!) I suppose this is the place to dump them. PSA: none of this is about anime. None of this is frivolous or fun. TW for sexual abuse. You have been warned! So. I’ve been rereading the Kingkiller Chronicles. aka “Name of the Wind” and “The Wise Man’s Fear” and “That Other One That Shall Not Be Named.” This reread was, at the beginning, almost an afterthought. A way to keep my 13 yo happy on a 7 hour car ride. Except, he could not have cared less, and I got sucked back into the story (and okay, if that is how all our audiobook car rides go, meh? At least it keeps me sharp!) I raced through book one, and bought book 2 on audible with an eye to my upcoming surgery and recooperation. Book one was problematic in the places I remembered, but also as generally engaging as I remembered. And then book 2 happened, and surgery happened, and I have had weeks to lie in bed listening to this bloody interminable sequel, and I find myself lost in a morass of, “WTF was I ever THINKING?” Namely, how did I ever love this book enough to pine for the next? It’s been hard to put a finger on exactly what is making this time through book 2 both a slog and also vaguely, creepily uncomfortable, but if you’re interested, my rather stream-of-consciousness ramble of thoughts ensues. First, the male gaze that rears its head at times in book 1 predominates here. But while I don’t love the way Kvothe describes women, I also have 2 degrees in literature, and I’m beyond that being a reason not to read an otherwise engaging book. Second, Kvothe is a Gary Stu, for all of Rothfuss’s protestations to the contrary. Again, so far, so much traditional high fantasy. But while, say, Aragorn is content to just quietly be Awesome At Everything, Kvothe is a braggy little shit of a Gary Stu: the person you hated for announcing their perfect scores in that hs class you could never quite master. I could fill several pages with examples, but for some reason what really made me want to kick him in the head was not Felurian’s disbelief of his virginity (though really, jfc, REALLY?) Nope, it was the end of his time w the Ademrae (sp may be off, remember, I’m listening not reading!) when he crows about having learned the history of his sword 2 days earlier than expected. Why does this stick out? Oh, idk. Maybe bc he sucks so hard he can’t even get past the first obstacle in his practical final exam? Yet he still has to tell us how fucking awesome he is for remembering 6000 names of previous owners.

I know, I’m supposed to forgive his teenage idiocy. The internet sympathists (no pun intended!) keep telling me this. And I suppose that I would, IF this were a simple first-person narrative - but it isn’t. Let’s repeat that, and really think about it. This story is being narrated by an older and presumably wiser Kvothe who has lost everything - whose abilities have been expunged to the extent that he can’t open his own chest of Cool Stuff. He shows humility in his actions, mostly. And yet when discussing his 16 yo self, the humility evaporates, and he speaks with no kind of perspective or lens of accrued wisdom. He still compares women to instruments waiting for the “right” player (i.e. him) and defends this choice of words by saying, essentially, “You aren’t a musician, you don’t know!”

Interesting assumption for an innkeeper in a medieval-esque world. Interesting assumption if this is in fact authorial interjection, too, because I suspect the majority of this book’s audience *are* musicians to at least an extent, and I also suspect that the majority of us (yes, us - I own several beloved instruments, including a harp custom made for me as a wedding present from my husband) would not equate a human lover to even the most beloved of instruments.

But all of this is well-trodden critical ground. As far as I can tell, though, my third issue isn’t: although it’s perhaps the most glaringly tone-deaf example of all of Rothfuss’s excruciatingly tone-deaf portrayal of his world’s women. Namely, the two girls kidnapped and gang-raped by the fake Ruh.

Almost all of the criticism I’ve read on this section of TWMF concentrates on Kvothe’s treatment of the girls’ abusers. What’s interesting is that no one ever seems to write about Kvothe’s treatment of the girls themselves. Yes, he treats them kindly. He tends their wounds, he feeds them, he tries (and succeeds, of course) to draw Ellie out of her shocked stupor.

Yet what he never once does, from the moment he takes control of the situation, is ask their opinions on any of this, including what their next step should be. He just decides to bring them back to their families - families who, in this type of society, might well disown them for being “ruined”. And the girls themselves, namely the intelligent and savvy Krin, seem to go blindly along with what he says. Why? Would Krin at least not question this, or object to his making decisions for her, when a group of men had so recently and brutally taken away all of her agency? Would she not question whether being brought back to her family is the best thing for the catatonic Ellie?

Okay, apparently not. So they return to their apparently very forgiving town. Kvothe stands up for the girls against the village shithead: thank you, Kvothe, bc I’m sure Krin could not have said those words herself. He assures the reader that they are with people who will love and care for them despite what has happened to them: thank you, Kvothe, though it’s stretching my credulity a bit that you would assume that no one will take issue with their deflowering. But then he “gifts” the girls the spoils of his slaughter: the horses, the valuables, the wagons. And I was about to give him a (grudging) pass for being decent about this, EXCEPT: he goes on to say that these goods are meant for the girls’ dowries. Specifically, to make them worth enough financially for potential husbands to overlook their loss of virginity. He even tells Krin not to settle for a less-than-lucrative marriage.

And suddenly, I was outraged. Why? Because a man who had witnessed the full extend of these women’s abuse brought them back to a backwater town believing that he was being magnanimous both in doing so, and in giving up whatever share he might have taken of the spoils of the debacle to make them financially lucrative marriage prospects. Because he never asked these traumatized girls if they might rather cut and run with the money than use it to make some man overlook their abuse in order to make them his property. He never even questions the idea that they will be grateful to submit to marriage contracts that will no doubt require them to have sex with their husbands, even though these women have been abused to the extent that they cannot sit a horse for *two days* after being rescued. And the worst part is that 20-something frame-story Kvothe doesn’t question this either; he just goes on to gloat about people singing songs about his daring rescue. Maybe I was just ready for a straw to break my benefit of the doubt. Or maybe this really is as outrageous as it feels. Either way, I can’t help being angry at Rothfuss. As a writer, I am very well aware that character and author are not the same thing; that authorial intent is not the same as authorial beliefs. But there are moments in some books when I have to wonder if that line is blurring, and this is one of them. Kvothe has literally JUST left a female-dominated country full of independent women happily doing their own thing. He has given these girls the means to find themselves a situation that will never require them to be beholden to a man again - even houses ffs, in the shape of those 2 wagons, should they want them. There are so many options beyond marriage: I can’t, for instance, think of a medieval society that didn’t have its version of a convent. Or, for Krin at least, why not the University? For that matter, why not marry her himself, and then set her free to do as she likes under the awning of a respectable marriage?

Instead he returns them to their fathers, and likewise gives their fathers the means to marry them off with no argument. Who, after all, holds the reins of the horses at the end? Why does Kvothe assume that these families will actually use the wealth even in the dubious way that he recommends?

And in this, I think, I am justified in giving Rothfuss the stink-eye. This is one more instance for Kvothe to play the hero with no real attention given to the consequences. Kvothe himself, I think, would be appalled. He has suffered so much deprivation in his life, so often been marginalized, scapegoated, powerless, how on earth could he so easily consign others to that fate? How could he think, loving Denna as he does, having heard her words to the beaten girl in Severin, that buying these girls husbands who will “overlook” their abuse for the sake of wealth is anything but a wretched life sentence for them?

Sigh. There was a time when I desperate awaited book three. Now, given the other women’s lives at stake in this series, I’m not so sure I want to know.

#kingkiller chronicle #kvothe #patrick rothfuss #wise man's fear #Kingkiller chronicles sexism #kvothe gary stu #kkc sexism

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1000-directions · 4 years ago

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You and Angel (alexenglish on ao3) are some of my favorite writers and I'd love if you could spare any writing advice? I esp like how much research you put into your works but how do you strike the balance between infodump and cool detail? I'd also love some pointers on just the general narrative building you do, it's so good. Anyway I hope this isn't too weird bc i sent a similar ask to @queerindeed and you totally don't have to answer this if you're uncomfortable

hi!! first of all, @alexenglish is sooooo fucking talented, so good at world-building and characterization, such a genuine GIFT to the written word. it is heartbreaking that we have ended up in different fandoms, but they are someone whose friendship i really cherish, and someone who had a huge impact on the way i write and the way i think about the stories i choose to tell, and it’s an honor just to be mentioned in the same breath as them 💚

in terms of detail, i see myself as a less-is-more kind of writer. i don’t normally go into a lot of descriptions of what people look like, or what people are wearing, or how the room is set up, unless it feels really important to the story OR it’s something that i am genuinely excited to describe. i know some people really like those details, and that’s awesome, that’s why everyone’s style is different and every story is a fun surprise. personally, i just don’t like writing that kind of stuff, and i’m a very big advocate of writing what you enjoy. obviously, not every single moment of the writing process is going to be fun, so i really try to maximize the parts that are fun and skip over things i’m not thrilled about, to the degree that a story allows.

in terms of research and infodumping...sometimes it’s okay for you to know things that you don’t explicitly put into the story. like for one of my stories, i looked into historical halloween celebrations in the united states, and i know trick-or-treating probably isn’t something bucky barnes would have any personal connection to because it didn’t exist as we know it when he was a child. it’s not something i need to know for most stories, but it’s still something i keep in the back of my head, and if i do ever need that detail, i have it. and even if i don’t use it, it’s still something i know, something that informs how i treat this character and the disparity between the world he grew up in and the world he currently lives in. another similar detail that many writers have used is that the bananas that are commercially available today are a different (and allegedly inferior) cultivar from what bucky and steve would have eaten in the 40s. i’ve never needed to use this detail in a story, but it’s something i know, so if i ever do write a story that involves a banana, it’s something i can draw on.

in terms of structuring how to share info with your reader, i think it helps to have a super strong pov. though to be fair, i think a super strong pov always helps everything! if you’re seeing things through a character’s perspective, then the details that they focus on can do double work: you are revealing information to the reader, and you are also revealing something about the character by showing what is important or eye-catching or noteworthy to them. example: character A walks into a room and sees characters B, C, and D. in one story, maybe we give equal weight to their impressions of everyone, describing where everyone is sitting, what they are wearing, what’s on the TV, what the lighting looks like, all of it. in another story, maybe A starts some of that stuff and then gets so transfixed on describing character C that everything else kind of melts away into the background. that tells you something about A and C’s relationship that is absent from the first version.

a lot of times, i will start a fic with dialogue, or an action, or right before an action is about to happen. i think it builds nice momentum and sucks a reader into a scene before they even necessarily understand what’s happening. so maybe i let a little something play out, a few lines of dialogue, someone walking into a room, someone about to do something they’re nervous about, and then i can hit the reader with a few sentences or a paragraph of “here’s what you need to know to get to the next point in this fic.”

all that being said...i always, always, always think the most important thing about writing is to enjoy it. if you’ve done a lot of research for something and you really want to incorporate those details, do it!! you can do it in narration, you can do it in dialogue (one character explaining to someone else is a classic place to hide an infodump), you can do it in endnotes if you just can’t make it work in the story but still want to share your information with the reader. and by that same token...if you don’t like doing research? someone’s probably gonna yell at me for saying this, but like...you don’t have to do research if you don’t wanna! we do this for fun, for free. no one should be grading your work and giving you points off for historical inaccuracy or whatever. i know that for some writers, it is very important for every detail to be correct. i am not one of those writers. i like for my details to feel correct within the context of the story, i don’t want anything to be so jarring and egregious that it pulls readers out, but i’m also not that bothered about getting all the minutiae accurate. and sometimes, i think focusing too much on small details can really pull attention away from what i like the most about stories, which is emotional connections between people.

i don’t know if i even came CLOSE to answering the questions you asked! thank you so much for your very kind words, and i hope you have a nice rest of your day!

#asks #writing #long post #Anonymous

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thoughtsofanexcitedspacechild · 4 years ago

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My (Un)Official Gf application

Hi! So...um...I’m lonely tonight. Thought I’d just go ahead and submit my gf application for anyone who sees it.

The Basics:

Name: Hana Lee Zainea

Age: 17 (Still a minor y'all. Back off creeps)

Gender: Female

Height: 4′7.5 (yeah, yeah. I get it. I’m the little spoon.)

Weight: 125. I know it’s a bit heavy, but I’m working on it. I’ve cleaned up my diet entirely and work out almost every day now! We’re working towards 110 by spring.

Build: Curvy. (Hourglass figure? Not sure really) I’m not quite mid size either, but I’m working towards slimming down and building a more toned/muscular physique. Korra from lok is the end goal haha

Pronouns: She/her

Sexual preference: Bicurious? I’m not quite sure just yet, but right now specifically, I’m looking for a guy. I haven’t really come out yet and I’m not sure how my parents would react if I did.

Enneagram type: Shifts between 6 on bad days and 9 on good ones

Meyers Briggs: INFJ (So rare, I know)

Zodiac Sign: I mean I’m catholic, so I don’t really believe in that sorta stuff, but uh, Libra if that makes any difference.

Reasons to date me:

I’m small, so I’d always be the little spoon when cuddling.

I LOVE making gifts and will NOT hesitate to send you letters in the mail, give you candy, make you drawings and handmade cards, and make you any kind of crochet/sewn stuffed animal ur heart desires.

I do relatively good in school and can probably help you with homework judgement free.

I’m an artist, so once you’re my so, there’s a good chance you'll be used as a photo reference for a piece. You might get a sick portrait out of this.

I’m laid back as heck and can pretty much vibe with whatever

I already made us matching bracelets.

Available pretty much 24/7 to talk or at least text

I can cook pretty well and I personally think I thrive in a well stocked kitchen.

Reasons that you might not want to date me:

I’m waiting ‘til marriage. You don’t have to be a virgin at all, just know that you won’t get anything out of me until you put a ring on it and have seen me in a white dress walking down the isle. I just don’t want to give my body away to someone who isn’t willing to commit to me and my personality rather than just my body. We can cuddle, hug, kiss, etc but as soon as it gets dirty, it’s no. I’m sorry :(

I’m a bit clingy. I don’t mean to. I just get really excited about new people and want to spend time with them.

I cry a lot. I’m a bit depressed and will sometimes cry for no reason. It’s not anything ur doing. I just need to cry.

I’m also anxious as HECK and sometimes it gets so bad that I’ll think I’m sick. I’m prone to intrusive thoughts and OCD too and will often worry excessively about if people actually like me or not. If you get a text that says “are you upset with me?” it’s not because u did anything to make me feel that way. I just do and if I’m not actually bugging you, just respond “not at all!” or something else consoling and I’ll be fine.

As far as looks go, I don’t have much to offer. I have huge brown eyes that I think are pretty, and I kinda like my small lips, but otherwise I’m not a stunner. I’m not super ugly, I just don’t look good unless I put effort into my appearance.

I have a CRIPPLING case of body dysmorphia. I avoid looking in mirrors a lot and often beat myself up for missing workouts even if I’m sore and could hurt myself/eating something mildly unhealthy, so that’s fun.

Things we can do together:

Watch our favorite shows together. I like and will rotate between atla, the mandalorian, LoK, the office, the clone wars, and sw rebels, but we can watch pretty much anything together. I’m totally down for anything and I’d love to get into more mainstream and conventional shows. I attach to shows pretty quickly and the night will mostly involve us wrapped in a blanket and me pointing at fictional couples (mostly Kataang and sukka) and going “hey babe look! It’s us!”

Cook together! If u don’t know how, that’s ok! I’ll teach you! We can cook your favorite together! My repertoire ranges anywhere from fried rice and spring rolls, to tacos, to pasta.

Bake! Cookies, cake, whatever u want! My favorite are lava cakes that have an oozy chocolate center and lemon cakes with thick icing on them!

Work out together! Not sure what u like, but I really love yoga, and I’m trying to get into more light weight-high rep. stuff. Not full on bench press, but I’m working towards a heavier handheld weight. My goal by the end of 2021 is 20 pound weights, but we’ll see!

If you do art, we can create stuff together! If you don’t that’s ok too!

Go to all ur sporting events and kiss u before for good luck and afterwards for a job well done (even if u don’t win, you’re still my winner)

Road trips to Chicago! I live in MI, but I love going down there to spend the day. We can shop, go ice skating, go to the ghiradeli store and get ice cream, go to the art institute, go out to eat, etc. Then we can stay the night, have a nice breakfast in the morning, and drive back.

While we’re in quarantine, write letters! I make mine look really nice. U don't have to at all, and I just like getting stuff in the mail!

Couples costumes for halloween! I have wayyyy to many ideas lol. Depending on what u like and what u look like, I can pretty much do whatever, but my top choice is Sokka and Suki from atla.

Coffee and study dates around exam time

Movie night with each other’s families. Once ur in my life, ur in my family’s too! Come over and we can make popcorn and play with my dog and u can meet my younger siblings! They’ll love u I promise!

My requirements:

Be taller than me (I mean, it’s not that hard. I’m 4′7. I don’t think it’s too much to ask)

I get to be the little spoon. (Again, it makes more sense bc I’m really small. U can try to be the little spoon, but physically it makes more sense.

U don’t need to remember any dates EXCEPT for my birthday, (October 12) and our anniversary. (Don’t know when that’ll be) I don’t need gifts, just a nice text or a hug and a kiss.

Be 16 or older. Sorry youngsters.

That’s literally it. That’s it.

A little warning/extra tip: My expectations are kinda “high” bc of fictional men, but honestly, if u pick up on their romantic gestures, it’s really not that hard to please me. Some examples of things u can do that’ll completely have me simping for u:

Hugs!

Kisses! (Especially when YOU initiate)

Holding me

bringing me a tea

Stay loyal! I know I’m going to be. Like, for REAL. U got no competition

CONSENT. Again, I’m waiting til marriage, but still! I’ve never done this before, so if u touch me in a way that makes me uncomfortable, please respect my boundaries. I’ll respect urs too!

That’s literally it. That’s the application.

#girlfriend application

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fandom-will-be-my-fall · 5 years ago

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Spill your heart out about Walter.

Okay so I basically got this question in what, January?? but I’m answering it now since I just rewatched the movie and have inspiration, sorry for the late reply Anon

Okay so, to start off this post with some keyboard smashing because that my primary go-to for expressing my emotions

sgklhfsgjksdlgdghkjlgjhOHUFLUSKHDGSLIDRGKJGKFSDHGlhjglksdhkglshglllllfa. knjcthxiudhusmnvsoidhéytbvonjyxclkkvbr. haeylicfvshdkgikc

HANDSOME BOY. HANDSOME. ‘NUFF SAID.

I could legit stare all day at his beautiful face… look at him. Enchanting sky blue eyes… fluffy, wavy brown hair, cute round cheeks, lovely smile… those hidden freckles that you can hardly spot and only in certain screenshots but nevertheless they’re there to raise the cuteness factor… ALSO HIS LASHES. MAYBE IT’S NATURAL?? MAYBE IT’S MAYBELLINE?? WE SHALL NEVER KNOW

Here you may be able to spot the freckles if you squint hard enough. I have 77 screenshots but this is the best example I could find.

Secondly… well, he’s a sticc. A short sticc at that (though still slightly taller than me bc I’m smol), but a sticc regardless! And that seems to be the most attractive cartoon body type for me. Don’t judge me, I just have a thing for twinks, I’m… twinksexual or whatever.

Look at him! He would fit through my doorcrack.

(Maaaybe the reason for me liking sticcs so much is partially the fact that I like the idea of a boyfriend I can protect and support, physically and emotionally. I’m mad at the universe for not letting me scoop him up in my arms bridal style and smooch the HECK outta him.)

I’ve encountered a few posts that claimed he’s got cake but, come on. That concept has canonically been proven to be false, even by Lance. This man is flat and you can pry this opinion off my cold, dead hands.

Speaking of hands! I like his big ol hands. Nice shape. They look soft. I wanna hold them.

According to a DVD commentary, and the visual facts, he has no shoulders whatsoever. Back in Venice Killian was able to restrain him effortlessly with only one foot on his chest, even as he kept struggling ans squirming and generally put in as much effort as he possibly could. Before then, he claimed the database was the first thing he has ever caught in his life.

Conclusion, our boi’s very much NOT athletic. Which makes sense for a scientist, braining all day and stuff, and because he probably barely even eats, or sleeps which are by the way both pretty concerning implications but anyway.

STOP BEATING UP THIS POOR FRAGILE LAD FOR GOD’S SAKE. Makes me want to protect him even more. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but you get what I mean.

Now, on to the actual reason I’m so head over heels for him, a.k.a his personality.

He is one of the sweetest, kindest, purest boy characters I have ever seen in fiction, if not THE number one himself. (All my other cinnamon roll crushes are, or have been a villain at some point and WILL resort to violence if provoked.) Look at him, his pacifism… is unbreakable. He’s dead set on making the world a better place, by peaceful ways, and helping humanity. If that’s not a quality to be cherished then IDK what is.

And he’s just such a refreshing character. He likes pink, K-dramas, glitter, kittens, things that aren’t traditionally “masculine” (but is never made fun of those things in particular in the movie) and I love that. Nothing’s sexier than a man who’s, despite society’s shitty standards, openly and unashamedly himself!

His femininity is, if anything, just another turn-on. (This didn’t intend to sound sexual… but oh well.) I love his little hand gestures and mannerisms, dorky ramblings, the way he says “yep” popping the “p” at the end, all the small yet significant traits that were incorporated into his character. Bless you, SiD creators, bless you.

Have I said that he’s a genius?? Which is pretty obvious but c’mon, he graduated at 15!! He can modify human genes!! He successfully turned a man into a pigeon on the first try!! (The serum wasn’t the first prototype but we can assume he didn’t experiment on living humans with the previous ones.) And he’s still just 20!! Like what is that if not hella fucking impressive???!??

His inventions, to the untrained eye, may seem “stupid” or “childish” but alas! The observer couldn’t be more wrong! Because despite the odd designs and themes they’re all highly effective, as we have witnessed in the battle against Killian. And he is extremely creative for coming up with such ideas! Told you he’s brilliant!!

Which makes me all the sadder about how much they underappreciated him at the agency. In his words, nobody ever listened to him, or gave him a chance. They just left him and his “weird” ideas next to the men’s bathroom and called it a day. How could they be so blind? Didn’t they see the potential in his inventions? Oh well. Maybe I’m just being a smartass bc I have more knowledge, living outside that universe. But I’m totally right.

And I was honestly ready to throw hands with Lance for hurting the boi even further. (I’d stand no chance whatsoever, but still.)

Oh no baby please don’t cry.

He did cry in that scene though… you could see a tear rolling down his cheek and if it wasn’t for the machine beeping… He did have a pretty rough day afterall. But HEY, if we dwell on it too much the scene loses its comedic effect!! A guy gets sad over a stupid soap opera, har har har!! Now let’s move on, keep it fast and snappy for the kids, don’t let them overthink it!! Can’t have any emotional breakdowns onscreen. Keep it lighthearted y’know. Then let’s kill a random side character and have our dear protagonist almost die twice.

(Well jokes on you Blue Sky! I’m no kid, but a devoted fangirl who can and will overthink any material of my fictional faves at any given opportunity.)

You know what else I love about him though?? His love for animals!! And pigeons, especially Lovey!! He loves her so much, gives her gluten free breadcrumbs, nuzzles her, the first thing he does when he finds out Lance can talk to the pigeons is ask if she loves him too!! Like… That’s so pure and wholesome.

This here. THIS RIGHT HERE. BROTP forever.

(Not gonna lie, I used to be crazy for pigeons for like, an entire year or something. Not as in looking up all the facts there are about pigeons as I do nowadays with cartoons, but I’d feed them regularly and write my little observations on their behaviors. Did you know they sometimes scratch their neck with their leggies like dogs do?)

I think I’ve summed up mostly everything I love about this nerd. Oh wait, almost forgot the sass!! I love how sassy and smug he can be sometimes, in like, a really harmless way but it’s still a very nice characteristic.

Since I’ve ran out of coherent things to say, here’s an incomplete list of things I want to do to Walter Beckett. Put at the end of this post so those of you who were only here for the analysis part and not the selfshippy gushing don’t have to read further:

kiss he

like seriously

just kiss he a whole lot

cover his whole face in kisses

one kiss for each of his freckles. a finishing kiss onto the tip of his nose. then repeat the cycle

hug him. hug him like the world is ending. hug him so tight he can barely breathe

then ofc let go and apologize bc I would never hurt him on purpose

cuddle him

hold him close, let him lay his head on my chest

run my fingers through his hair

listen to his breathing

discover that he’s fallen asleep on me and smile fondly, then soon drift off to sleep myself so we can wake up entangled in eachother the next morning

fuck he

pin him to a wall and snog he

make him go cherry red

fluster he

compliment him. praise him. appreciate him. he’s a prince, a hero, an angel, a wonderful human being and he needs to know this

feed pigeons together

listen to his scientific ramblings and bird facts

write him love letters and give them to him. maybe read it aloud myself if I’m feeling brave so I can see his reaction in real time

serenade he

be the love of his life, and have him be mine

just… soft things, man

cook something for this malnourished sticc

make him small handmade gifts

they’re nothing like his gadgets but I tried

draw he

have him be my muse in general

not like he isn’t now but it would be lovely if he was real too

carry him bridal style

be the feral cryptid that lurks in his house when he isn’t around

sing along to cheesy pop-song together really badly

watch cheesy rom coms

flirt with eachother clumsily until we’re both laughing at our awkwardness

or, alternatively, shower him with compliments until he literally cannot handle it

have sleepovers together

give him hand kisses

be of emotional support

#picpost #fangirl #walter beckett #F/O #didn't plan to make an entire essay #though on the other hand I exactly knew this would happen

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despovoador · 5 years ago

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classic nico maneuver but i got drunk at my mother's birthday so i'll just write a lot of incongruous updates on my life in a humongous post so like. i've definitely lost my mind these last months but i feel like i was due for it & am finally getting through a protacted molting/mutation process (which i always go thru, should've dived into this one earlier but whatever) so it's all good bc now i'm decided to write more this year and in the way i want to (ie unhinged). carreer-wise i don't have a single coherent plan so i'll just go insane & wing it lmao. band is gud (we'll record 2 albums this year hopefully but let's see......). last ballet presentation was great, people seem to have really loved it/i'm more & more Getting dance and being moved by it. i'm back to drawing again and plan to do it more, including my own tattoos. btw i'm getting the paul celan quote tattoo i've been meaning to, just decided it now. also dancing till i exhaust myself + putting cryptic drawings/phrases on my skin is/has been so good like what the fuck. literally the 2 Things that make me feel like "i am my body. i'm this moving feeling marked thing with its/my own will & desires" and counter a lot of my self esteem/self image crisis. people remain an absolute mystery but it's fun..... hope it remains like that; i'm travelling for a couple of days with my friends this year's end & i'm excited for it. and i've been missing my brother a lot. it really is an infinite sadness and wound but also i constantly think about when he last visited me to tell me 'you're alive and so your path for now is life and i'm dead and so my path is death but we'll always be a part of each other. we'll always haunt each other' and i don't think we'll meet again in our siamese dreams and communicate in our own language but i'm fine with it tbh bc this was such a gift. the most important one, the only one i've ever really wanted or needed. strange radiant kid running free through the dark changing its own form. i touch my chest where your heart used to touch when we hugged as children and you're there.

#me: ok let's keep this short and casual. ........#*6 mins later*#' so my entire spiritual system is i believe in my brother and in death. i don't care about anything else'

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pavlovers · 6 years ago

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amaryllis, bluebell, daisy, white jasmine, calla lily, magnolia, pansy, WISTERIA, wisteria, wisteria

amaryllis - name an attribute of yourself that you are proud of.

i always say this jfbcj but uhh yeah i like that im a thoughtful person i guess,, i always try to be super considerate and sweet to people, and in general i do put a lot of thought and effort into assignments and how i present myself yknow,, meticulous as the report cards call it. sometimes it's a pain bc obviously i overthink but it also pays off a lot of the time

bluebell - what keeps you humble?

i mean it is still an ongoing struggle for me to hold myself in good esteem, but that’s yknow a mental illness/bad childhood thing.

idk,,i wouldnt say im extremely humble or anything; while i dont think of myself as superior or whatever, im still pretty bad w coping with failure and dealing with my weaknesses. but ive been going to therapy for the past year and its definitely helped me try to have a better perspective on stuff so,, ya girl’s progressing!

daisy - describe something that gives you hope when things seem bleak.

i mean,, even when i feel like absolutely wrecked because i overwork myself at school and even then i dont get the grades i want, and im sleep deprived, and my mother treats me pretty terribly, and ive got a pretty limited social life, and im so uncertain about my future and college and all this other stuff high school makes seem like life or death decisions,, at the end of the day im still like 15 going on 16,, like literally it kinda wakes me up how much life i still have left to live and experience and learn from like oh my god,, i have so much time to improve. i gotta calm down once in a while.

white jasmine - what is something that never fails to make you laugh?

maybe this is a childish answer but alex turner’s the one who literally decided to sing “kiss me underneath the moon’s sideboob” in a weird breathy falsetto so,,,

calla lily - what traits do you find beautiful in others? in yourself?

idk if there's anything specific that draws me to people but in general I find most people who are super understanding and friendly and patient to be ✨💖 yknow,, i guess i also like people who are clearly very passionate about something,, like i love asking about someone's interests and they'll go on a rant about something they like and it's so clear that their thoughts are well-rehearsed and you can like feel their excitement as they're talking. and guess all that also applies to me too lol

magnolia - describe your favorite thing to do outdoors.

hmm taking high school classes that require ridiculous amounts of work to be done in a single evening has turned me into a bit of a hermit tbh,, my dad’s one of those old people who just got a fitbit and thus is super obsessed with walking everywhere so sometimes he makes me do that if i have the time, but i guess my absolute favorite thing to do outdoors is probably bike. i still ride this stupidly pink bike from when i was like 10 because im a short person and i get freaked out if im on a bike and my tip toes can’t touch the ground so i refuse to ride my dad’s bike, but oh man idk biking feels so freeing especially if its like summer and youre doing it while the sun is slowly setting.

pansy - what is the most thoughtful thing that anyone has done for you?

i mean i cant recall being on the receiving end of any super grand gestures or anything but. i really can’t thank enough any and everyone in my life who ever went a lot out of their way to show that they cared about me, even if we weren’t/aren’t super close. whether it’s just messaging me regularly or making sure to talk to me whenever they have the chance, or giving me personalized gifts for my birthday or christmas at school even though i dont really celebrate either so i never think to give people things unless its for a party or something. yknow?? small stuff like that.

wisteria - do you like poetry? if so, describe your favorite poem(s)

i do like it!! i wouldnt say im super invested in it or anything but i think it’s a beautiful form of literature to read and digest yknow

idk if i necessarily have too many all time favorite poems i can list off the top of my head, but a sylvia plath one that i read a few weeks ago that i really liked would have to be black rook in rainy weather! of course the imagery is absolutely beautiful, but i just really like the theme of finding inspiration, and how its like “a brief respite from fear of total neutrality”, like a rare moment of feeling purposeful instead of her usual depressed state,, i mean not that i can relate since i don't create anything in my free time anymore but i just love the way she expresses it

#ask #diana thank u!! sorry this is uh 24 hrs late and i rambled kinda incoherently at points but u know how it is

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ethospathoslogan · 7 years ago

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heavy crown, heavy heart: part three; a royalty!logince/sanders sides fanfic

A/N: so this was originally going to be a side part but, since it is in the canon timeline and goes into things i mentioned in the previous chapter, i decided to make it an actual chapter!!! this is just some sibling bonding bc it is a dynamic i wanted to go into and also important!!!

summary: Roman cared for his brothers. His mother, when he was still young and adapting to not being the main center of attention anymore, preached familial values. With her passing and his relationship with his father growing more and more strained, he emphasized his focus on getting along with his brothers. They fought, yes, as brothers do; sometimes Patton’s heightened sensitivity and Virgil’s knack at being extremely grating was tiring, but overall, Roman could not imagine the castle without them. Living a life where everyone seemed ready to use him for their own personal fortunes, it was pleasant to have two people who understood exactly what Roman experienced.

ships: the fic itself is logince, but this chapter has no ship

WC: 5,639

content: mentions of anxiety & possible depression, major mention of family death

masterlist!!!

previous chapter!!!

read on ao3!!!

tag list: @definentlynotjustanotherlemon , @peachie-keeen , @red-the-ruler , @syndianites , @mirror2thespirit , @ravenclawunicorn1, @urte1108 , @monikastec , @princeyssash , @princelogical

Roman had been sitting by candlelight, a book gifted to him by Logan open on his lap and one of his fingers absentmindedly playing with the corner of a page, when he heard one of doors further down the wing be pushed open. The hinges slowly creaked, as if the person had wished to make a quiet escape and failed.

The Prince looked up and narrowed his eyes. Glancing at the clock at his wall, he saw it was well past one in the morning. Everyone else had already gone to their beds hours ago, or at least it was what Roman had assumed. Roman was typically the one who stayed awake well into the night and preferred to sleep into late morning, much to the chagrin of his father and his father’s adviser, who believed that the eldest prince should be up the earliest to get a start on the day’s activities.

However, Roman knew it was also not uncommon for his brothers to wake in the middle of the night. Roman had caught Patton multiple times sneaking out of his own room to visit the gardens when they were undisturbed by the bustle of humans. Roman would always let him past, he refused to stop his brother when he wished for one moment of true solidarity, but would inevitably have to tell the guards for the night shift that, no, the person they were seeing wandering the garden was not an intruder but, in fact, a prince.

As Roman heard tired footsteps trek down the corridor, his mind travelled to his other brother. Virgil, Roman believed, slept the least out of all of them, it evident with the dark circles constantly under his eyes. Ever since he was a child, the youngest prince had been plagued with night terrors and terrible anxieties. Without their mother alive and their father emotionally present, Roman, as a child, took it upon himself to comfort his brother. The castle staff, specifically whatever nurse they had at the time, saw it as some form of adorable brotherly bonding, and that once Roman left, an adult would take over and handle the situation properly. However, Roman’s true reasoning was because his mother took it upon herself to be the primary caretaker of her children. She did not believe in being detached from her children and would rather them be following her around all day, clinging to her skirts, than them be forming a better bond with a nurse.

In Roman’s eyes, the least he could do for his mother, and his brother, was be there for them.

When the tired footsteps stopped in front of Roman’s door, he was positive that it was Virgil and not Patton. He kept his eyes on the door, waiting for the knock. Virgil had the tendency to be extremely reclusive, and if Roman opened the door now and ushered him in, there was a huge possibility of Virgil just turning around and retreating to his room.

Finally, after long enough that Roman started to think that maybe it was not Virgil and that whoever it was had left, there was the softest of knocks on his door. He bookmarked his page, not wanting to crease any of the pages of Logan’s books, before standing and opening his door. Virgil stood on the other side of it, looking anywhere but at Roman. His eyes were gaunt and something in Roman twinged at seeing how completely exhausted his brother looked.

“Cannot sleep?” Roman asked. Virgil shook his head, his hair falling into his eyes. Roman stepped aside and opened the door wider, and Virgil wordlessly stepped in. He slumped tiredly into one of Roman’s chairs, staring through his bangs and out the window at the moon hanging in the night sky.

“Would you like to talk about it?” Roman leaned on the wall next to Virgil, staring down at him.

“Not really,” Virgil mumbled and Roman nodded, returning to his own chair not too far from Virgil.

Occasionally, when Virgil could not sleep, he came to Roman’s room. Roman’s childhood tradition of being a caretaker for his brother had not faded in adolescence and, on nights when Virgil’s insomnia reached peak frustration, he often went to find his eldest brother. It was not that Patton was no help; hell, sometimes Roman found himself relying on Patton for help. It was just that, when coming to Roman’s room, Virgil would not be bombarded with questions the moment he walked in. As Virgil sat in the same vicinity, Roman would return to whatever he previously had been doing and either wait for Virgil to initiate the conversation himself or wait for him to return to his room again.

Despite the fact that Roman and Virgil argued much more than either of them did with Patton, Roman understood not wanting to explain every thought in his head. He understood just wanting to sit near someone so that the world did not seem so large and him so infinitely small.

Roman cared for his brothers. His mother, when he was still young and adapting to not being the main center of attention anymore, preached familial values. With her passing and his relationship with his father growing more and more strained, he emphasized his focus on getting along with his brothers. They fought, yes, as brothers do; sometimes Patton’s heightened sensitivity and Virgil’s knack at being extremely grating was tiring, but overall, Roman could not imagine the castle without them. Living a life where everyone seemed ready to use him for their own personal fortunes, it was pleasant to have two people who understood exactly what Roman experienced.

“I will be here if you need anything,” Roman said, retrieving his book from where he left it. He flipped back open to where he left off, flicking his eyes back to wear Virgil was and saw him, still, keeping his eyes on the starry sky. A deeper concern twisted in Roman’s gut. He knew of his brother’s trouble with sleeping and of his excessive worries, but something about him seemed off, and more than usual.

Roman attempted to return to reading his book, but Virgil had begun tapping erratically on the arm of the chair and the dull, quick tapping along with his brooding atmosphere pulled too much at Roman’s mind. Typically, the tapping irked him and he usually had to bite his tongue to keep from saying anything, because he knew it was just a nervous tick that his brother was barely conscious of, but now it was different. Frankly, he was too concerned to be annoyed.

Roman glanced back up at Virgil and, this time, Virgil looked back. Roman quickly looked away and Virgil sighed.

“I am exhausted,” Virgil finally said.

“Would you like to try sleeping again?” Roman asked. “You are free to stay here, I do not plan on sleeping anytime soon.”

Virgil shook his head and ran a hand through his hair, pushing his bangs up and away from his face. “No, it is not that,” he said. He worried his bottom lip and Roman, frowning, put his book back down.

“Then what is it?” Roman asked before quickly following with, “You do not have to tell me if you are not comfortable, Virgil.”

Virgil huffed out a deep sigh again and stared up into the high ceiling. “I am exhausted, Roman,” he said. “All these fears and worries that I have just feel like they are consuming me. Sometimes I think that they are choking me, and that the world might as well be ending.”

Roman’s eyebrows furrowed and he shifted his chair closer. “What are you scared of? I do not think that there is anything in this castle that can harm you.”

“That is exactly it,” Virgil said, scratching at his cuticles. “Everything just seems… off. As if something is not sitting right. I… I understand that there is probably nothing in this castle that can do anything. But I still cannot shake the feeling that something is going to go wrong, that there is something I should be preparing myself for. I thought that it was because Logan and his family were coming back, and it would be the first time in a while that we have had guests stay for more than a few days but…” He trailed off and Roman cocked his head.

“You still feel the same way,” Roman finished for him. Virgil hesitated before nodding. “Virgil, I am sure that there is something we can do for you. Perhaps the apothecary has something, or-”

Virgil shook his head vehemently. “No, no, we cannot do that,” he rushed out.

“Why? If there is someone who can help you, I think that it would be best-”

“No one can know that something is wrong,” Virgil said, his words so quick that Roman’s mind almost did not process them. “Father is already stressed enough as it is, and to go out for an apothecary would draw attention, and I do not want anyone to know that I am the freak of this family-”

“Virgil,” Roman interrupted, his voice stern. Virgil tensed at his sudden tone change and snapped his mouth shut. “Do not ever say that about yourself,” he continued. “What you are experiencing does not make you odd. You are a tad more fearful than most, that is all. It does not make you bad or wrong. Plus, it is not like myself and Patton are without our eccentricities.”

“But…” Virgil sighed. “I already worry too many people because I do not sleep and I panic. I cannot be more of a burden than I already am.”

“Who said you are a burden?” Roman asked with a raised eyebrow. “We all worry about you because we care. If you believe anything I say, believe that. Oh, sure, you can be quite irritating at times with the fact that you always have some snarky thing to say and can never let me have the last word, which should be rightfully mine-” Virgil snorted and Roman could not help but smile, “-But you are still my brother.”

“Thank you, Roman,” Virgil said, giving a small smile. However, when his eyes flicked back to his hands and he still looked rather uncomfortable in his seat, Roman had a feeling that there was still more his brother had to say.

“Is there anything else?” Roman asked, not wanting to push but also not wanting to sound like he was dismissing his brother.

Virgil frowned and did not say anything for a couple of moments. He clenched his hands into fists and unclenched multiple times, retreating back to looking at everything in Roman’s room besides Roman. “It is really stupid,” he finally said.

“I assure you it is not,” Roman said before breaking out into a grin. “Besides, I am enjoying being the brother who is able to give emotional support. Typically, I am just there as the pretty face and the occasional clever and witty comment, but now-”

“I took our mother away from you,” Virgil interrupted and Roman’s words died in his throat.

Roman blinked a few times at his brother. Virgil’s words washed over him in waves that started to bring too many memories back. “What?” he finally choked out.

“I took our mother away from you,” Virgil repeated. “She died having me, and you should hate me for that. I hear the way you speak of her, every amazing and wonderful thing she was. And I took that away from you, and I do not know why you have forgiven me for that.”

Roman stared at his brother, finding himself at a loss for words.

Roman was six. His mother was pregnant and expecting soon, and he was excited for this one. He was not when Patton was first born. He did not like not being the sole deserver of his mother’s attention. But his mother had told him that now he had another child to play with, and Roman grew to love the bouncing toddler. Now, he was ready to be the eldest. His mother told him that now, with two younger siblings, he would have to be the best role model for them that he could be.

Roman was six and very excited. He showed his mother all the toys he could share with Patton and the new baby, fumbling blocks that spelled his name (he was missing the letter M) and figures and marbles in his small hands. She smiled down at him and her bright blue eyes shone and Roman felt safe. His mother was warm and soft and was a lot less scarier than his father, sitting one-thousand miles up on his throne. Roman told his mother he did not know how he could get high enough to reach it. She laughed and told him that he would, she would make sure of it.

Roman was six and it was a bright and warm day when one of the servants screamed down the corridor that they needed the medic. The baby was coming three weeks earlier than everyone else thought. The family medic had had to return to his own home for a family emergency, but he told his father and mother that he would be back in time. Roman did not know why he lied. His father’s adviser and some of the guards had to be sent out into the city to fetch one of the local medics. Patton cried at the commotion and Roman held his hand and gave him one of his miniature horse figurines. It had wheels and the two wheeled it back and forth in Roman’s room as people outside ran back and forth. He told Patton that they should be happy, they were going to have another person to play with, and that mother was excited for them to be the best older brothers ever.

Roman was six when his father told them that their mother died. Died. A four letter word that Roman did not like. He heard it used about soldiers that did not go back to their families. Or about the city, like when Roman heard the knights talking about a fight breaking out in the streets and how someone died. But never for his mother. She was his mother. His mother was not supposed to die when Roman still had so much to show her. He and Patton finally found the M block underneath one of his chairs.

Roman was six when their nurse, the one that his mother did not want but their father insisted upon, showed them the baby wrapped in a blanket and said that his name was Virgil. He did not look anything like their mother. No red hair and his eyes had too much brown in them. Patton, who did not understand fully what happened, gave the baby his finger to hold. Roman, who did understand, ran away and cried in his room.

Roman was six and, despite everything, Roman was alone. The throne towered over him. He did not know how he could reach it now.

After sixteen years, Roman still wondered if he was falling too short.

Roman was too surprised by Virgil’s words to pay mind to the tears that had sprung to his eyes. “V-Virgil,” he managed out. His voice was choked and he rubbed at his eyes. “You… you did not take her from me.”

“Yes, I did,” Virgil insisted. “I know that you needed her then. I think you still do, Roman. Everything you say of her… she was warm, and soft, and bright. I… I know that you do not get along with our father. We all have our disagreements with him, even Patton, but for you… something is different. There is something tenser between you two that I do not think would be there if our mother was still here. I just keep thinking that I took away the parent you needed, and I do not understand why you do not hate me.”

Roman gaped at his brother. He would be the first to admit that, even after sixteen years, he missed his mother more than anything. However, knowing that Virgil had blamed himself this entire time and expected Roman to hate him -oh God how long has he thought this?- is what Roman found himself more upset by. He learned to cope and accept his mother’s death, he could not do the same for Virgil blaming himself.

“Virgil,” Roman finally said. “I… I could never blame you. You… it was not you that took her away. I do not think anyone did. She… I think she was under a lot more stress than she let on, and maybe she was in more pain, too, but her death was not your fault. You never did anything wrong, and you still have not. And the fact that you think that I could hate you for that?” Roman shook his head in disbelief. “Virgil, that is insane. If I hated you, I would not have just given you this long speech about how we all care about you. If I hate you, I probably would have said something along the lines of be afraid that I will hit you, because I can be an asshole like that.”

Virgil let out a laugh that sounded more like a watery cough, and Roman pretended to not notice how he rubbed at his eyes, glistening with unshed tears.

“I am so sorry, Roman,” Virgil said, shaking his head. He tilted his head away and Roman saw a tear or two escape and tread down Roman’s face, but he called no attention to it.

“You do not have to be,” Roman assured. “We have all moved forward, and, yes, we miss her, but we also learned to cope. No one here hates you because there is no reason to, and if anyone ever says anything, or has said anything, you send them to me, okay?” Virgil nodded and sniffed, rubbing at his eyes again. “And, please, do not let this be something you lose sleep over. Pretty people should be what does that, not things that are not your fault.”

Virgil sighed and swallowed thickly. “Okay,” he said quietly. The conversation then trailed off and Roman started to think that Virgil was getting ready to leave when his brother said, “Speaking of people that you find, to quote, pretty, you and Lo-”

Roman was quick to cut his brother off, “You are pushing your limits, and I suggest that you either stop talking or prepare for me to kick you out in the next two seconds.”

Virgil laughed but did not say anything more.

Patton and their father had gotten into an argument that morning. Roman had believed he was up far too early (their guests were still resting in the comfort of their beds, why did he have to be up?), and was bitterly nursing a cup of coffee in the parlor adjacent to the throne room, when the fight started. Even through the walls, he heard words like “over excited” and “melancholic” and “mature” and “Patton, I expect more of you than these ever changing emotions”, and Roman believed that he could accurately piece together what his father was nagging Patton about. He could not hear what Patton was saying, but from his father’s disappointed reactions, he assumed that whatever Patton was feeling was getting the best of him.

Finally, after a couple minutes of Roman eavesdropping, being disappointed that he could not hear everything properly, and then feeling guilty about eavesdropping in the first place, the throne room door swung open and out walked Patton. Roman watched as Patton began to walk past, and did not miss how he frantically wiped at his eyes, though when Patton finally caught his brother staring, he straightened as if nothing was happening and forced a grin that did not meet his eyes.

“Oh, Roman,” Patton said, his voice artificially cheerful. “Good morning, I did not expect to see you up so soon.”

“I am improving my skills of being a responsible adult,” Roman said, setting his now empty cup on one of the table’s coasters. “Are you alright, Patton? I believe it is a bit early for our father to be berating us.”

“Oh, that?” Patton questioned and forced a laugh. “Do not worry, that was nothing. Just… just an average conversation.”

Roman did not believe him at all. “It sounded a bit more than average,” he pressed.

“Well, it was not,” Patton said, his tone suddenly tired and clipped. “I have to go to my room.”

Roman blinked at his brother as he walked away. “Okay, then,” he huffed out.

For a while, Roman let Patton be on his own. As much as he felt ashamed to admit it, he did not know what to do with Patton and his obvious hidings of something troubling him. Usually, it was Virgil who went to Roman or Patton, depending on the situation, Patton who helped, and Roman who went to Patton with petty, dramatic problems. Occasionally, when intoxicated and rather melancholic, Roman rambled about everything that troubled him to his brother and then, in the morning, he acted as if nothing was ever wrong in the first place.

Roman realized with a sinking feeling that Patton rarely came to either Roman or Virgil. Over the years, Roman had seen Patton in foul moods and, even when he offered his ear to Patton, his younger brother never complied.

He began to run through everything in his mind. He tried to see if he could find something that would give Patton reason to not trust either of his brothers. If there was something that he or Virgil had said, or a fight that was left unresolved, but all that Roman could remember was forced smiles and Patton claiming that nothing was wrong, that nothing was ever wrong.

At half past noon, Roman decided it was time that he did something. The castle was now alive, everyone jostling through with activities for the day, meals to prepare, training to be done, but Patton had yet to leave his room. Roman decided that now was the time to go confront his brother; now was when they would not be disturbed by anyone else. Their father had meetings all throughout the day, and Virgil and Logan just headed to the library to look over books and journals together.

Roman approached Patton’s door and, with only slight hesitation, softly knocked. “Patton?” he called through. “It is Roman.”

On the other side of the door, there was a long enough silence that Roman considered that Patton was possibly sleeping, or perhaps he had left his room and Roman had not noticed. When Roman thought about either knocking again or walking away, a small voice finally said, “Come in.”

Roman pushed his brother’s door open and found Patton seated in one of his chairs, looking out the window. It seemed that his eyes were not actually seeing anything, and he did not turn to look at Roman when he entered.

“I just wanted to check in on you after this morning,” Roman said, shuffling his feet awkwardly. “You seemed… troubled.”

“Thank you, Roman,” Patton said. His tone was quite unsettling to Roman; usually, Patton was bright and cheerful, his words bringing light back into the castle when there was none. Though, Patton now, just sounded so… tired, so dejected. “But I am fine.”

Roman did not believe him, but he did not know if pressing would do either of them any good. “Would you like to go outside, then?” he asked. “It is probably one of the most beautiful days of the season, and you are keeping yourself in here.” When Patton looked doubtful and ready to reject Roman’s idea, he quickly continued, “We could go to the garden. I know how much you like to go there. No one else would be there.”

Patton considered for a minute, and when Roman feared that he would just be dismissed, Patton sighed and stood. “I think that will be nice,” he said and Roman grinned.

“Perfect,” Roman beamed. “Well, onwards then! We have not a moment to waste of this beautiful day.”

Roman lead Patton out of his bedroom, falling into step besides his brother as they walked. Something about Patton still seemed so off, so reserved, but Roman believed it to be a victory to have been able to convince his brother to join him. He did not want to ruin it by forcing Patton to speak when he was not ready.

Fortunately, when they arrived at the garden, Roman was correct in saying that no one else would be there. He let Patton decide where they would sit, and Patton chose a bench situated in the shade under one of the trees. The flowers bloomed brightly in front of them and small groups of butterflies flitted from each on.

“It really is wonderful out,” Patton quietly commented as they sat down.

“It is,” Roman agreed. “I could not simply let you sit inside all day.”

“Thank you, Roman,” Patton said. “I just get so… off sometimes, and I just isolate myself. I know it is not particularly the best thing to do, but sometimes it seems like the only thing to do.”

Roman furrowed his eyebrows. “What do you mean?”

Patton sighed and carded a hand through his hair. “I get so melancholy sometimes, Roman,” he started, staring ahead of them at the flowers. “I just sometimes start feeling as if the light in the world has gone out and that there is nothing left than to just let things pass. Honestly, it is quite draining. I fall into these moods where I feel like I am trapped in this… hopeless trance. I force myself to put on a smile and laugh because it is what people expect of me, but I feel like I am just lying to everyone. That this is all some huge play and I have to constantly wear a mask to please everyone.”

Roman frowned and turned fully to face his brother. “Patton, I… I did not know that you felt like this.”

Patton forced out a laugh that sounded more pained than not. “Because I did not want you to,” he said. Roman pretended as if that did not sting. “I did not want anyone to know. Not you, not Virgil nor our father, anyone. We live such luxurious lives where we can have what we choose. There are so many people who are truly hurting and suffering, and here I am, Prince Patton Sanders, moping about because I am sad more often than not.”

“Patton, you do not have to think that,” Roman said. “It does not matter how you live. That does not change how you feel. There will always be people suffering more, and people suffering less. If you based your feelings solely off of other people, you would only drive yourself to exhaustion and madness. I am not a profession, but I do not think it is healthy to hold in what you feel. Virgil and I are here for you when you are overcome with these melancholic thoughts. You are allowed to feel them, and what you feel, while painful, yes, is real and should not be ignored.”

Patton shook his head. “But it is not who I am supposed to be Roman,” he said, his lower lip wobbling. “I am just going to end up disappointing everyone.”

“Disappointing us?” Roman questioned. “Patton, you could never-”

“Yes, I could, Roman!” Patton exclaimed, pushing up his glasses to rub at his eyes. “I am supposed to be put together and cheerful. It is what people expect of me. Everyone expects me to be the perfect son who keeps our father happy and is the mediator for you and Virgil. I am not supposed to be so sad and… empty. When I am, I force myself to be this over excited person so that people do not see me be unfit in the one thing I am meant to do.” He let out a wet laugh and shook his head. “I am already disappointing our father and, soon, everyone else.”

“Patton,” Roman sighed and, slowly, carefully, placed a hand on his brother’s shoulder. “Do not say that. Just because you and father had an… an argument, it does not mean that you disappointed him.”

“Oh, really?” Patton asked. “So him telling me that I need to mature is not disappointing him? Him telling me that I need to sedate these ever changing emotions, that I need to get a firm grip on myself? Him telling me that it is time for me to be responsible and reliable, and not so childish? That is all not disappointing him? That is not being the son that everyone expects me to be? You said it yourself, Roman, I am supposed to be the son that makes our father proud, the son that does everything he is told and the one that our father listens to.”

“He was clearly talking to Roman and I, Patton. You cannot do anything wrong in his eyes.”

“That is not true.”

“Of course it is! You could spit in the Duke’s face and our father would ban him from the kingdom for offending you.”

“Roman-”

“Ask for anything and it is yours, that is the way it has always been. Do you think that, if Patton asked our father to call off whatever marriage he had planned for me, he would do it?”

“Roman, stop.”

Roman suddenly felt like a complete and utter asshole. “Patton, I-I am so sorry,” Roman stammered out, struggling to find words. He and his brothers had fought before, yes, but Roman never wanted to be the person that hurt one of them.

Patton shook his head. “No, I am sorry,” he sighed. “You did not know, it is unfair of me to put this on you.”

“No, Patton, that is completely fair,” Roman pushed. “I… I hurt you. I made you feel like you had to live up to these expectations. Even if it was not entirely me making you feel like this, I played a part, and you can be mad. You should be mad. Lord knows anyone else would be.”

Patton sighed a deep, shuddering breath and rubbed at his eyes again. “You did not purposely intend to do that, Roman,” he said. “I cannot be mad at you if you did not intend it. Well, I can, but it feels wrong. I just… I do not want to worry people. I want to be what people want me to be and help everyone else. I feel like, if I start showing people what I truly am, I am just going to burden people.”

Roman shook his head. “Patton, what people expect you to be is human,” he said. “I think people would be more worried if you were happy all the time. You are a living, human being. You are allowed to feel sad and aggravated and everything else that may not be as delightful as being happy. Whatever you feel is real. You are allowed to feel how you do, and you are allowed to be your own person. If you spend your entire life just trying to live up to unfair expectations, you are just going to end up unhappy. And as your brother, I do not think I could handle seeing you live an unhappy life.”

Patton smiled and rubbed away one last tear that fell out of his eyes. “Thank you, Roman.”

Roman smiled back. “You do not have to thank me,” he said. “And you know that myself and Virgil are here for you too, yes? I know that we tend to come to you a lot with our many, many problems, but that does not mean that you cannot do the same to us. The three of us have to have each other’s backs, which means that we cannot let you be suffering alone.”

Surprisingly, Roman had not expected Patton to throw himself at Roman in a hug. “Thank you,” he mumbled into Roman’s shoulder and Roman smiled, giving Patton a tight squeeze back.

“Of course,” Roman said as the two pulled away. “Trust me, in a castle where we are surrounded by adults, I think we need to be there for each other.”

Patton smiled. “But Roman, you are also an adult.”

Roman sighed and threw his head back. “Patton, do not ruin this moment by reminding me of my responsibilities and of my mortality,” he groaned and Patton laughed. He then looked back at his brother. “And you know you can tell me if I am saying too much bullshit, right? I am not sure if you have noticed, but I have the habit of just speaking without applying thought to what I am saying. There needs to be someone to reign me in, and it cannot be Virgil, because I might hit him.”

Patton laughed again. “I will make sure to let you know,” he said, looking back towards the garden.

“Now, should we leave all this sentimentality behind and return to enjoying the day?” Roman asked. “I am hoping that this is making you feel… somewhat better.”

Patton nodded. “We should, and it is,” he said. “Thank you, Roman.”

Roman beamed. “You do not have to keep thanking me, it is just what I do,” he said.

Roman knew that he could not always be the best brother, and perhaps sometimes not even a good brother. But, damn it all, he was going to try and support his brothers as much as they support him; it was the least he could do.

#sanders sides #thomas sanders #roman sanders #virgil sanders #patton sanders #stuff i write

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butterfly-child99 · 6 years ago

Text

Gosh the summer completely flew by and took us all by surprise!

July and August came and went and now it feels like it is nearly – dare I say it – CHRISTMAS! We had so many wonderful kaleidoscope adventures, if you follow any of my social medias you have hopefully seen some of the amazing things we got up to.

I haven’t written over the summer as I love being in the moment with the kids and taking lots of photos to have as memories and then I thought it would be nice to have one blog post full of all our memories as a keepsake to look back in time.

I hope you enjoy our recap of summer fun! What did you guys get up to over Summer?

Our summer of fun really started with BTS in wembley but I have covered that so this is everything after that, until schools started back. I have included some Wembley adjacent memories as I made some amazing friends. Speaking of….

Over the last few months, I have made some amazing new friends – who are ARMY – we have made friends over our mutual love of BTS. We met up with some at Wembley and our friendship has grown and they fell in love with my two children, because lets be honest why wouldn’t you! They are both amazing and adorable. So much so that one beautiful lady sent poppet and monkey some bunny rabbit hats, that appear in an episode of RUN BTS, if you press the paws, the ears will move. As you can see below, they loved them!

We also went to the seaside and enjoyed playing on the beach and some rides that were on Weymouth sea front. We love Weymouth and any chance we get to go over is always a good day. I love to swim in the sea but we didn’t get to do that on this trip as it was quite late when we arrived. We did get to bury the kids and have fish and chips by the sea!

Poppet loves to dance, sing and a variety of other things and goes to a lot of after school clubs. Monkey is not so bothered by any organised clubs or events as he likes to do his own thing. He has taken to climbing and loves to hit the local climbing centre. Poppet comes along as well on occasion as again she quite enjoys it. But this visit at the start of the summer holidays – monkey managed to climb higher than he has ever been and he jumped off the top yellow pole, which is quite daunting really. I am not sure I could do it.

We are all still very obsessed with BTS and enjoy watching music videos and their variety show RUN BTS. We have also started family quiz nights, which have been Harry Potter and BTS related so far. On one of these nights the challenge was to do the BTS fan chant as fast as we could. Monkeys practise was rather funny.

Poppet was still learning by this point but has it perfect now. I shall have to re-video them so you can all see how well they can do it now. And yes, it does sound funny but hearing it in Wembley being chanted by 60,000 people was cool but still somewhat creepy! But mostly amazing and we are ready for (hopefully) when they return next year.

We visited a local National Trust site called Barrington Court. It is a beautiful house and grounds. We love to visit and go a fair few times each year, as they always have something for the kids to do, Christmas is always beautiful and I love the grounds. It is a a lovely place to walk around, let me know if you have been. And if you haven’t, you should come and have a visit. It is beautiful.

Before school finished, Poppet entered a solo dance into her school talent show. It was a shortened version of one of our favourite BTS songs – Anpanman. She was really brave to do it all by herself, as most of her friends were doing dances, singing etc in groups. But Poppet is not shy and she loves to dance and has been on stage lots of times before. I am so proud of her just for entering. But not only did she do us proud just by entering. She also won for her key stage. She is my little superstar and Monkey said he cheered the loudest and he got all his friends to cheer too, but then told me secretly he didn’t have to ask them as they all thought Poppet was the best anyway. But what an amazing big brother he is??

Poppet also did her Grade 1 ballet exam before the end of term and passed with distinction or honours. I am not sure what its called in Ballet, But she did amazingly, whatever it was. 🙂 Monkey thought he would give it a go in her skirt and not surprisingly it fit perfectly. 😂

I love how random and weird my children can be. It makes me feel very connected to them as I am very weird and random. 🙂 We are all very happy in our own skin and personalities and we definitely all fall from the same tree. They both came downstairs in their jurassic coast t-shirts and green shorts and declared that for today they were twins.

BTS new movie Bring the Soul played at Yeovil – so we got ourselves all dressed up and headed to the Cinema, I didn’t think there would be many people there as I have never met any ARMY near us. But the cinema was packed out with tons of ARMY of all ages. We met some lovely new people and really enjoyed the film. The kids did get a little bored as it was quite a lot of subtitled talking for them to keep up with. So they didn’t quite make it to the end and had to be picked up by Mr BC, but me and Mamma Butterfly really enjoyed it.

Speaking of me and Mamma Butterfly, we got a very rare child free weekend as the kids went camping for a weekend with my sister, brother in law and nephew. So we got the chance to have some adventures of our own. We went for cocktails (mocktails for Mamma) for one evening and watched some episodes of RUN BTS. We went to the new cocktail bar in our town, Kikis. It was lovely and my cocktail went down way too easy so I gladly had a second one. We also took a train into Bournemouth to visit the kids camping and have a look around as they were supposed to be going to the air festival. But they didn’t make it, so me and Mamma just had a nice walk around the town. I introduced her to bubble tea, which she loved.

We re-watched BTS live at Wembley when it became available on VLIVE. Kids loved it just as much the second time around, so much so, I had to keep asking them to move back, as they were so close to the screen, no one else could see it.

Before Mr BC headed off for a business trip, he took us all to the Car Show as he knows me and Poppet love a good car show. Heres some of our favourites:

This is a reminder for myself not to let Poppet eat cherries, it looked a little bit like the start of a really scary horror movie looking at her after she had finished.

I made a new friend over the Wembley BTS weekend because I asked if anyone would be around on the Sunday to keep me company as I would be attending Day 2 on my own as the kids and Mr BC had gone off to sightsee around London. My friends all jumped at the chance to spend the afternoon with me and they all told me where they would be meeting etc so I wouldn’t be alone but I was also asked if I wanted to meet up with a lady who had been let down and wasn’t sure she would feel comfortable going on her own. I offered to meet her and we could go for food etc, and she offered me her ticket which was going spare anyway, and it was better seats than mine and as she didn’t want to go on her own, I said I would love too. And it was one of the best decisions I have ever made. I would happily have sat on my own, I really just wanted some company for the afternoon, but after hearing she might not go as she didn’t feel brave enough to go on her own, I could not have that and as I am neither shy nor scared to make new friends, I accepted this silent challenge to befriend her. It was a good decision as it lead to a few happy accidents. I made a friend for life, she is truly wonderful person and I can’t imagine not talking to her now. Not only is she a great friend but she’s a wonderful crafter. I told her how Mamma Butterfly was sad she hadn’t made it to Wembley and she kindly made and sent this commemorative pillow to her for her birthday. How amazing is this? And such a thoughtful and beautiful gift.

And secondly, I now had a spare ticket. I had won my ticket in a prize draw and I really wanted to give it away so someone else could enjoy the concert too. I was meeting with some friends I had made online, as well as my friend above. They are all a wonderful group of Ladies and I am so happy to be included in their group. One of my friends had a friend who didn’t have a ticket and I offered him mine. He was really excited and pleased to be able to go and I think, at least I hope he enjoyed himself. I felt wonderful being able to give my ticket to someone who deserved one. All of these acts of kindness, stemmed from me simply asking if anyone would mind if I joined them as I didn’t fancy spending all afternoon on the run up to the concert on my own. It always pays to speak up and I discovered I have made some remarkable friends who have welcomed and accepted me and taken me under their wing. What an amazing start to the Summer it was?

Everyone we met, also fell in love with kids – which is always wonderful as its nice to hear that you have nice children from people you meet, it makes me worry less than I am doing a bad job.

I think that is it for our summer of fun. We did go to Legoland for a weekend but that was so exciting and amazing, I have an individual post to write about that.

I hope you enjoyed my round up of all the fun things we did. If you have any questions about any of the places we visited or if you just want to say hi! Please do drop me a comment or find me on facebook/instagram or twitter.

House of Butterflies: Summer of Fun. Want to know what we got up to over the summer - check out my latest blog post to find out. #summeroffun #summer #kaleidoscopeadventures #BTS #BTSxWembley #newfriends Gosh the summer completely flew by and took us all by surprise! July and August came and went and now it feels like it is nearly - dare I say it - CHRISTMAS!

#Barrington Court #BTS #BTS Wembley #Family fun #Kaleidoscope adventures #Ready 2 Climb #RUN BTS #summer #summer of fun #Weymouth

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lysitheaioandeuropa · 7 years ago

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1-100 cute questions

:~)

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk?- more cereal than milk! it has to be crunchy and milk is fucking gross, even though i use almond milk instead

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?- FUCK yeah, especially if it's also sunny outside

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?- grocery receipts are the usual culprit. maybe i should make my own bookmarks!

4: how do you take your coffee/tea?- rn i'm having sugar free white chocolate w half & half and 3 splenda

5: are you self-conscious of your smile?- i'm self conscious of my entire existence my friend

6: do you keep plants?- yes! she gave me and orchid and a bamboo plant a while back, and i have ian my aloe/succulent

7: do you name your plants?- lmfao yes, ian! she named the bamboo melman, and i never named the orchid. zack and sabrina are no longer w us unfortunately

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?- i used to write and draw a lot. i don't get a chance to do it as often now but i rly am trying more. i'll even try my hand at inktober this year but yikes scared bc i can't actually draw

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?- hell yeah bitch if i am in the mood for it

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?- all of the above? lmao. my back is most cozy but sleep paralysis, so a mix of side stomach like its a specific diagonal ass position on my bed lol

11: what's an inner joke you have with your friends?- "coming this soon"

12: what's your favorite planet?- FUCKING JUPITER BRO OMFG MY URL ARE TWO OF MY FAVE MOONS OF JUPITER TEST ME BITCH

13: what's something that made you smile today?- i don't think i've smiled today? maybe something michelle said earlier when we went to lowe's

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?- *takes pics of my current place*might have a little more aesthetic to it just bc location though. and if i live in a bigger city than orlando that means i have more money to REALLY fulfill my aesthetic wishes

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is!- Recent work by planetary scientists has indicated that the deep atmospheres of Jupiter and Saturn may contain chunks of diamond floating in a liquid hydrogen-helium fluid. MEANING, it rains diamonds on jupiter

16: what's your favorite pasta dish?- permission crusted chicken, w angel hair in a lemon butter sauce

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair?- i was going for a magenta over the summer and was p successful but my mom paid for me to not keep lightening and shit, that wasn't my money so idc lol rn its auburn-ish. i rly do still want a light blond/almost gray though

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.- the time i got incredibly drunk, like, throwing up and dying can't even walk drunk like wow i'm not like that lmao so when that happens it's wild

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it?- i have multiple journals and a sketch book. the sketch book is whatever i feel inspired to draw atm and bc thats so rare i just be picking it up and going lmao. i hardly write anymore, these questions kinda keep me going

20: what's your favorite eye color?- light brown is vastly underrated tbh, like yeah green is cool but i have always been a sucker for hazel or just noticeably lighter brown eyes. i remember this one boy in the 8th grade had me swooning w that alone lmao and ofc my gf now its soo nice

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that's been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces.- i no longer have it, but i had the same jansport since the seventh grade. i used to customize it and sew on letters or iron on, change it up ever so often, and got rid of it senior year of high school

22: are you a morning person?- i really am not, but everyone thinks i am since i'm up at 6am even the days i ain't got shit to do

23: what's your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?- PLAY VIDEO GAMES. draw, do these questions, sometimes even brainstorm ideas about books i'll never write

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?- shit every single one of them? well nvm, yeah there is. jordan. that's my ride or die forreal and honestly i think she does know ABSOLUTELY everything there is to know about me. timmy too actually!

25: what's the weirdest place you've ever broken into?- hmm idk if it counts but this one "abandoned house" in the gables to smoke, and the rooftop of merrick park late at night

26: what are the shoes you've had for forever and wear with every single outfit?- bro i had these low top black and white converse that i got for christmas one year from this boy that rly liked me lmao i kept them for a hotttt minute, through college i think but had to throw them away when the sole finally gave out

27: what's your favorite bubblegum flavor?- just mint is fine

28: sunrise or sunset?- sunset

29: what's something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?- just how she remembers and notices absolutely everything. i moved a pin in my room once and after not having been over for a week she asked me where it was as soon as she walked in

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared?- yeah last night when i was home alone and i swear i thought i heard knocks on my bedroom door which would be impossible. fuck no i didn't open it

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.- i think socks are cool, they make my feet soft if i put them on immediately after showering & moisturizing. they protect your heels from getting too cracked as well. i don't care for white socks, but am a slut for black no show ones. i sometimes have to buy kids socks bc my feet are so fucking small that no show, still show. i like aesthetic socks! like the ones w cartoons and stuff like that. and knee high socks can be sexy, just maybe not on me?

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.- i don't be w friends like that? OH but this one night we went to see Laidback Luke at Space and then we went to Nikki beach to drink some more and watch the sun rise and we all rly bonded and i learned some shit about my friends i def ain't know before it was rly nice. there was a dog we met there named molly LMFAO

33: what's your fave pastry?- i like lemon and red velvet stuff. guava and cheese pastries are good too i miss them

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?- okay i didn't rly have any stuffed animals as a kid, but that boy i was obsessed with, omar, he gave me a plush lil puppy one year for christmas and omg i cherished it lmao. but then my dog got it and i was so sad :(

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?- FUCK YEAH I DO. i use them often, though not as often as before like i need to get back on track w being organized

36: which band's sound would fit your mood right now?- arctic monkeys, always

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean?- clean!!!! i finished cleaning it completely today and wow i feel like a brand new person

38: tell us about your pet peeves!- messes stress me outtttttt, like gross unhygienic messes omfg

39: what color do you wear the most?- black bitch, next

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what's it's story? does it have any meaning to you?- i have these 1/4 carat diamond earrings that i received as a christmas gift last year from one of my kids and it was just so sweet and i rly love them, they're the only earrings i wear now

41: what's the last book you remember really, really loving?- the zodiac series! and lord of shadows!

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!- no i don't, not yet at least. i would like to find a rly rly nice one, maybe we'll go hunting for one next weekend. there are two rly good boba places i like though!

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?- michelle maybe? and no gaze, we just noticed the starts were nice during that hurricane lmao

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?- july 8, 2017 it was short lived limited to just that day lmao but it was nice

45: do you trust your instincts a lot?- some times? my instincts don't be telling me a lot tbh

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of.- "what did the cell say to his sister when she stepped on his foot? Mitosis"

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?- sea food? fucking pickles!! mustard too

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?- roaches, and possibly hell yeah

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?- i do! but i have apple music now so i do not buy music or anything any more

50: what's an odd thing you collect?- tickets. plane tickets, parking tickets, concert tickets, admission tickets, sometimes even receipts, if it has a nice enough memory attached to it i collect it

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them?- nothing i can think of at the moment

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far?- salt bae, all the "it" memes, the neo yokio memes, "i had to do it to em," x-files memes

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them?- i'm familiar w rocky horror & the heathers, love beattle juice, haven't watched pulp fiction

54: who's the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face?- myself whenever i look in the mirror

55: what's the most dramatic thing you've ever done to prove a point?- i don't rly be doing shit "just to prove a point" thats rly petty

56: what are some things you find endearing in people?- love when their faces light up talking about some shit that gets them hype

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics?- i rly don't fucking care for bohemian rhapsody like why is that a thing

58: who's the wine mom and who's the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why?- i am vodka aunt

59: what's your favorite myth?- I LOVE ALL GREEK MYTHOLOGY EQUALLY. norse mythology is cool too, as is celtic but i think greek is my fave

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?- poetry is hard to get into bc so much of it doesn't resonate w me or comes off as fake deep tumblr posts (i'm looking @ you milk and honey). howl by allen ginsberg is still my fave

61: what's the stupidest gift you've ever given? the stupidest one you've ever received?- i'm always surprised to be getting any gifts at all, i don't think i have ever received anything "stupid." my gf used to love giving me food and candy though but like i'm fat so no. and i don't give gifts without putting any thought into it so i have never given a "stupid" gift either.

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind?- no, i drink ice cold water and coffee. sometimes crystal light which isn't rly juice to me i think its just flavored water

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?- nigga YES! i just reorganized my entire bookshelf and my itunes is not as neat bc i'm behind but i also keep that rly meticulously done

64: what color is the sky where you are right now?- blue-ish gray

65: is there anyone you haven't seen in a long time who you'd love to hang out with?- my gf, lmao. thuy!!!! nick and andres too omg!!

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like?- not roses, it'd be an assortment of a ton of flowers, lots of pink and green and white

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?- i fucking THRIVE it's nice, scary movie and reading weather

68: what's winter like where you live?- it's FAKE AS HELL. i wish it just a tad cooler, like ten or fifteen degrees

69: what are your favorite board games?- i like scategories and the game of life. candyland!

70: have you ever used a ouija board?- those are caucasian activities no thank you

71: what's your favorite kind of tea?- great tea or tazo passion tea

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you'll forget it?- HELL YEAH and i'll note it down multiple times like written, typed, phone agenda, etc it's hard and i hate my shit memory

73: what are some of your worst habits?- procrastination is the worst i think

75: tell us about your pets!- i don't have any :( i would count zeus but i'm also deathly allergic to him

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren't?- yeah!!!!! smh

77: pink or yellow lemonade?- "why not both?" probably pink more

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?- hate that shit they're so ugly and annoying and gross and hate how they talk like bro

79: what's one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?- i never thought my mom cared about me tbh but she threw me a huge graduation/birthday party i cried.

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?- they're a nude/beige, i didn't pick it but i'm also not painting over. its nice though

81: describe one of your friend's eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.- this sounds nice in theory but i dont rly have the energy for it rn lol

82: are/were you good in school?- i was but i coasted, had i tried a lot harder and dedicated more time to it i could have been better

83: what's some of your favorite album art?-i can't think of any rly

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?- i have to add to what i have on my back, and have a few more i would like but am not sure about

85: do you read comics? what are your faves?- i do! i'm actually reading one now on tumblr, its called countdown to countdown and its rather interesting. i like twd comics, and am also reading the OoT manga. i rly love manga too actually, inuyasha was the first one i read that got me into it

86: do you like concept albums? which ones?- BECAUSE THE INTERNET, CHILDISH GAMBINO

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?- i've seen a ton of movies dude. i think spirited away or kiki's delivery service, or princess mononoke. ghibli movies w strong female leads. howl's moving castle too but it does focus more on romance. i should reread the book

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy?- i'm not familiar enough w art to tell you! i think art is rly interesting though, and don't particularly care for modern art

89: are you close to your parents?- not rly, but am more so as an adult. i don't tell them my business or anything like that though

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities.- seattle just really resonates w me and the more i talk about it the stupider it sounds. but i have been to quite a few cities, DC, atlanta, Tallahassee, miami, san diego, vegas, the list goes on. none of them made me feel the way seattle does. maybe bc i went alone? maybe the time period that i went? some of the memories attached to the city kind of suck now, lol, but still rly important to me

91: where do you plan on traveling this year?- nowhere in particular this year, but i'm def going back to seattle next year guaranteed, maybe doing paradiso

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch?- if its my own sauce then no cheese at all, otherwise olive garden def hates me

93: what's the hairstyle you wear the most?- i just wash it and wear it down

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?- today is felisha's bday apparently

95: what are your plans for this weekend?- uh idk, ig see my gf. i'm avoiding a baby shower but idk what we'll do instead

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot?- i procrastinate on them a ton lmfao "remind me later" yeah bitch in like a century

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house?- INTP, gemini, ravenclaw

98: when's the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it?- i don't think i ever have gone hiking

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.- i'm sure there are a few but nothing i can think of off the top of my head. reflection by 5h actually lol

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why?- FIVE YEARS INTO THE PAST and five years ago is a rly good time to go back to!!! i was 20 and going through suchhhhh a bad break up but i wish i could have gotten up and been a bad bitch sooner lol i love the stuff i experienced that year, went to my first edc and whatnot. 2013 was rough on me but i pushed through it! 2014 i made some bad choices that i would change, 2015 wan alright but i can do it better and i'm not even sure what 2016 was. i would have started teaching sooner had i known it was something i could do i think. i would have worked harder and been more responsible especially financially, though tbh i did pretty well. i'd just do adulthood a lot better and start off a lot stronger. I WOULD REDO THAT LOCKHEED INTERVIEW AND ROCK THE SHIT OUT OF IT.

#personal #inthemoodforlovee #asks

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sapphicluxanna · 6 years ago

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1-100 pls 🌹💕

BABE. oh my god. okay here we go, it’s gonna be long!!

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? more cereal than milk I think?

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day? I love winter and everything about it, I’d rather be cold than hot

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books? post it notes, receipts, I’ve used flowers a few times, really anything that’s in reach

4: how do you take your coffee/tea? tea with a little bit of milk and honey, coffee depends on the day? typically with a lil bit of vanilla creamer. when I make my ‘fancy’ coffee at home with frothy milk on top I always top them off with a dusting of cinnamon

5: are you self-conscious of your smile? always

6: do you keep plants? ye! I have a succulent/cacti terrarium, some sunflowers, jasmine, african violets, tomato plants, hanging planters, and a few more I forget the names of!

7: do you name your plants? not the ones I have currently

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? I love ink. I haven't been able to paint with ink in a while, but the movement of that and watercolor are just.. freeing? I dunno how to explain it. that and drawing using ink, every mark you make is permanent and I just kinda zone out when doing it

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself? aight listen. my future s/o is gonna have to deal with this a lot. shower? singing. car ride? singing. cooking? singing. y'all aint getting a break even if I sound like a dying cat

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? primarily side and stomach!

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends? I cant think of many at the moment but uhhhh. hmm. a few guys and I play a game together and I run the group (in rdr2), and we don't let people join it if their horse’s tail isn't braided so we’ll hunt them down and kill them instead

12: what’s your favorite planet? neptune looks beautiful

13: what’s something that made you smile today? the fact that you wanted to know more about me

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? lots and lots of plants, kinda modern, a few fish tanks, smells like lavender and coffee

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! mars has the biggest known volcano!

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish? stupidly basic, but chicken parmesan

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair? I’ve always wanted to impulsively dye it some shade of blue just for a few weeks

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. I got ridiculously drunk off tequila at a house party and was given my first mojito, thought he picked leaves off the tree out back and threw them in so I dug them out and threw them around the yard in disgust. I have a very vague memory of this but they always give me crap for it

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? I have a couple! one is my bujo where I keep lists of things like self care ideas, favorite movies and books, quotes, friend stuff, etc. another I use to draw in and like to recreate van gogh sketches, others are private

20: what’s your favorite eye color? y'all ever really see brown eyes? oof

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. I don't have this?

22: are you a morning person? I could be if I woke up next to the right person

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? netflix binging, reading, aquarium shopping, walks with my dog in the woods, making stupid pancakes, and league with a babe

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? it takes time for me to trust people, so probably all my life at some point with a girl. as for family? no

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into? I’ve locked myself outta my place a few times and had to go through the window

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit? several pairs of sandals and slides!

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor? just regular mint?

28: sunrise or sunset? watching the sunset on a blanket in the grass with a girl I care about

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? her voice gets a lil louder and she talks fast when she's excited about something and its flipping adorable

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? yes.

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. I love fluffy socks and patterned socks and ones with dinosaurs and stuff and I love socks so much, don't sleep in them though

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. we played a drinking game based off how we did in a split screen game, one drink for every kill, got v drunk that night

33: what’s your fave pastry? I love baclava but I’m horribly allergic to walnuts

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? I still have it! my dad went down to south carolina a lot and I was, and still am, very much in love with alligators. I think I was six or something but he came home with this giant garbage bag and was moving it like there was an animal inside and when I opened it, it was a giant stuffed alligator. he's currently sitting on my bed, but seems a lot smaller now

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? I really wanna get into using thicker paper for letters with pressed wax seals and pressed flowers

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now? I don’t really focus on individual bands too much tbh, I bounce around a lot within genres. anything happy and country atm

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean? I’m tryna keep it cleaner, better habit to make myself get into

38: tell us about your pet peeves! people smoking around me (I don't care that you smoke whatever, I just ask you don't do it around me bc it makes me feel sick), a group of people that takes up the whole sidewalk going incredibly slow, people that cut me off in traffic without turn signals, people who f around in the tsa line and don't get ready then stand there for ten minutes taking everything off for the scanner and hold us up, “there” and “their” and “they’re” misuses, etc. jeez, didn't realize I had so many and that's not even all of them

39: what color do you wear the most? blue?

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you? I love my claddagh ring, my mom and sister both have the same one and we all match. currently not wearing it bc it was like 100 degrees F then other day and it burned my finger?????

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving? asoiaf!!!!

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! I like this lil coffee shop about half an hour away, every drink has an individual and funny name and the workers are nice

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? I honestly can’t remember, but I could really go for this right now

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? uhhhh it’s been a bit? lotta stressors recently

45: do you trust your instincts a lot? I try to, should've listened to them regarding some stuff and I didn’t

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of. what do you call a blind dinosaur? a do-you-think-he-saurus.

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe? broccoli

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? santa and the dark, no on both accounts now

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? no, I just use apple music

50: what’s an odd thing you collect? I dunno about odd, but I keep seashells and shark teeth I find on beaches

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them? somebody to love

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? uhhhh I’m bad at keeping up with when these come out but probably the “wait was anyone going to tell me ___ or was I supposed to find out in this ___”

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? I haven't seen these sorry!

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? my dad

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point? I honestly cannot think of this right now

56: what are some things you find endearing in people? when they get excited about something, when their eyes sparkle a bit in sunlight, when they’re touchy (only certain ones), compassion, weird hobbies and interests, etc

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? it’s an experience. listen with headphones on high or don't listen to it at all

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? I guess I’d be the wine mom bc I don't drink heavily too often with my friends cause I’m usually the dd, vodka aunt would go to my friend S cause hell she puts that shit away fast

59: what’s your favorite myth? I love greek mythology

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? sappho

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received? a lil cat bank that grabs a coin with its paw and drags it into the box and a potato, respectively

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind? not usually

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? I kept all of my books on a shelf before the move but idk what imma do with them now bc I have no room for a bookcase so they're kinda messy rn

64: what color is the sky where you are right now? pale blue and cloudy

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with? a friend who moved away a few years ago, I miss her

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? oooooh. hmm. lots of blues and pinks and purples with lil twisty brown vines?

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel? I love them, 10/10, perfect.

68: what’s winter like where you live? we either get 3 feet of snow overnight or a dusting, there’s no in between

69: what are your favorite board games? I cant remember the last time I played a board game??? I liked the game of life and monopoly when I was a kid

70: have you ever used a ouija board? nope

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea? whatever happens to be in the cabinet!

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it? I have the memory of a goldfish

73: what are some of your worst habits? letting people get away with things they've done to me, being too lenient with people that make me uncomfortable, etc

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. they’re such a good friend and we have enough years built into our friendship that we can go a few weeks without talking and be right where we left off. they’re kind and caring and ready to help people when they need it

75: tell us about your pets! my cat is an 8 year old lil grump, but he gets so freaking affectionate and lovey too. he knows when I’m anxious and will come up and sit on my chest and purr. my dog’s a ball of jumping energy, she's always excited and happy, she’s only 2 so hopefully she’ll mellow out. then my clownfish are flipping adorable even though they try to bite my fingers when I’m working on the aquarium

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t? unpacking and socializing with family

77: pink or yellow lemonade? pink lemonade

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? I don't care about them really, but the facebook minion memes passed around by moms gotta stop

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? one of my exes surprise got me flowers sometimes, while the relationship just didn't work that was a cute action

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? they’re kinda beige-ish? I just moved here and I don’t wanna repaint them

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. hmm. one of my friends’ eyes are like the leaves on the forest floor, an assortment of greens and browns blended together with the occasional fleck of gold when light filters through the trees

82: are/were you good in school? I’m okay? In high school I was in honor classes and stuff and I've made the deans list a few times in college so far, but honestly I think I’m just average. I have a lot of issues with math and it’s why I couldn't go into one of the fields I was considering. I get overwhelmed quickly

83: what’s some of your favorite album art? tbh I don't look at this kinda stuff but I know kesha’s rainbow was good?

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? ye! I want a small humpback whale on my left inner wrist, they mean a lot to me and I finally got to see one in person just last year. then I have some scars on my thigh I’ve been tossing around the idea of getting a tattoo to cover up, but idk if I would or what I would get

85: do you read comics? what are your faves? no sorry! I always wanted to when I was younger but I got psyched out by guys who would say they're not for girls who I never took advantage of the comic shop a family friend owns

86: do you like concept albums? which ones? I dunno what this is and I’m too tired to google it but imma guess its about music? to which I say I’m v bad at keeping up with everyones stuff

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? the princess bride, star wars, lord of the rings, the sound of music, indiana jones (NOT crystal skull, it sucked), jurassic park, and a lottttt more.

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? impressionism, post impressionism, and expressionism

89: are you close to your parents? ish.

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. I absolutely loved st. malo in france. I need to go back. it’s a giant walled city on the water and it’s just beautiful. I sat and watched an artist on the street for a while and bought two of his paintings afterward, gotta figure out where to hang them in my new bedroom. the air smelled amazing, it rained a lot when I was there but I still loved it and I wish I’d had more time to really explore than I did

91: where do you plan on traveling this year? I wanted to go to sri lanka to see my family but I don’t think it’s gonna happen, but I’ve got my fingers crossed for pennsylvania cause reasons

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? cheese is life

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most? I braid it overnight and wear it down during the day!

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday? my dad a few days ago

95: what are your plans for this weekend? I think I’ve got another family party to go to? feel kinda done with my fam rn though

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? I literally just installed 2 years worth of updates this morning, so yeah, I procrastinate updates quite a bit

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? idk what the first thing is but the others are scorpio and slytherin!

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? oh wow I can’t remember, but imma say yes? I wanna hike with my dog at some point

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them. somebody to love, la mer, and some others

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? 5 years into the future. I hope that future me is happy and comfy with someone she loves surrounded by their plants, aquariums, pets, and love.

#this was #so long #youre adorable ily #lack of emojis due to typing on my computer #oof #answered

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thejoshuatree · 8 years ago

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a 2016 in review post !

i’ve got a TON of resolutions for 2017, so i’ll start there:

hit 10 miles/hr at the gym (i hit 8.5 today!!)

keep in touch better with my friends/family

less cynicism and self-deprecation; be more mindful of what i’m good at (lmao)

say yes more; be more open to new experiences

write more letters

read 50 books (i’ve got two down already!!)

practice better self-care (moisturize)

write something original

maybe fall in love with something again (maybe)

looking back is a lot easier if i look at what i’d like to be different going forward, i think.

last year started with me leaving texas to move to california, which if i’m being painfully honest i think i knew was a mistake from the get-go. but i didn’t really know what else to do, and it’s always been IMPOSSIBLY FUCKIN HARD for me to refuse someone when they ask me to do something. it’s so much easier to be what people want you to be than you who are. i’m working on that.

BUT, i landed a job that i love with people that i love. it’s sort of funny now to look back and remember that i thought i didn’t like infants/toddlers now that i spend most of my days with them (and regularly tell them they’re my best friends).

it’s also been like? massively massively important and precious and dear to me to have improved as a teacher over the past year. i’ve come a long way from where i started and can now lead a classroom more or less with ease. i’ve always wanted to be that teacher that never seems to get overwhelmed or overly bothered, and i love being one that i think the kids are happy to see. at risk of not being self-deprecating, i’ve got little friends all over that school! and i love them so much.

on a similar note, i got two of the best coworkers i’ve ever had. two ladies old enough to be my grandma who now let me make my own decisions in the classroom and rely on my judgment next to theirs - that’s pretty fuckin cool. it means more than i can say to hear from someone who’s done this a long time that i have a gift. i’d very much like to believe that. i really, really want to be good at this.

and...i’ve lived with my family. my brother and i totally tore each other down, he moved away, and when he came back, i said ‘i missed you’ and he said ‘i love you’ and...things change. the last year saw me and my dad go toe to toe for the first time in my whole life and while what i said didn’t affect any actual change, i said exactly what i thought (at a volume i didn’t know i could reach lmao). the boogeyman shrank in front of me; he’s quite small now. it’s nice not to feel quite so powerless. my relationship with my sister’s a nonstop work in progress mainly because we’re so finely emotionally attuned to each other. if coming here has to have had a point i think the point might just be leaving again, which is difficult to do when i know she doesn’t want me to go. when she hurts me because i’m hurting her for going, and neither of us knows what to do.

it’s so much easier to be what people want you to be than you who are. i’m working on that.

as for 2017, i’d just like to be a stronger, more solid version of myself. i’ll have to actually leave (i’ve already looked at flights and job openings back in austin - AYEE), and deal with whatever fallout that’ll have. i’ll be on my own again, which is only half as intimidating as it is going to be a huge relief. i’ll have made it through this alive, which i didn’t know i could do again. you know, growing up - i thought maybe things weren’t quite as i remembered them, but if i let it, my dad would be terrible to me, and my sister hurts to be around, and i wasn’t wrong about that. (i don’t think i was ever wrong about my mother, either.)

so: more productive hobbies. i like running and i’d like to redouble my focus on the physical exertion aspect of it, and clearing my head and sweating my stress out, and not on my size. it’s impossible not to take up any space, and anyway, i’ve got to learn that i’m not a blight on the people around me. i’d like to learn that i fill my space well. doodle, blog, take photos; i hate bringing attention to myself and those kind of require it but...there are worse things. take up space. it’s not a bad watchword.

writing this year was weird as shit, but i’d like to love it again like i used to. for the endless possibilities, and not with any eye toward hits/kudos/reblogs. honestly? who cares. that’s part of why it’s so weird to look back at all the fic i wrote last year. don’t let me go has always seemed slightly off, though i’m still not sure why that is. i still think harry just outpaced me. still to be lost, things change, keepin’ on the light; those are my favorites because they’re all...maybe soft and intense, is what i mean. the world of the fic feels soft and gentle because the characters aren’t very soft to themselves. well-intentioned, though.

and then there’s stuff like don’t let me go and feels like home and wide open spaces that pulled a LOT from me - arguably too much - because i couldn’t seem to get the characters or the world to give me what i needed. i think i just don’t like those much bc i don’t like myself very much, lmao. or maybe it’s just i think fics shouldn’t draw from me that way. from the gut, and not from the heart, so to speak.

lastly there’s once and future things and to the end of the night, which are beyond a doubt two of the best things i’ve ever written. and deeply flawed! i’d like to have taken a week or a month and come back to them to edit them real good. and yet...i wrote oaft to see if i could do plot and, effectively, write my own original stuff. (i think i can.) i wanted to write to the end of the night to write a protagonist who was sort of peculiarly awful, and still relatable, still worth loving. i wonder if anybody noticed how much of me i put into that one?

and so...i hope 2017 will have more and better stories, more books, more art, more love, more time, more friends. i got two tattoos this year: flowers, and friendship, on my birthday, in ASL. if not for them i don’t know what i’d have done. you know, 2016 was really hugely shit - my home life has been, to put it lightly, unsatisfying, but for my friends.

i spent a solid half an hour in my car this morning parked in the driveway, having a good cry after a fight with my sister. i called my granny tonight and we talked for hours, and she said it’s alright to take care of myself and put myself first. good or bad, i’ve got people who love me. so [hagrid voice] what’s coming is coming, and we’ll meet it when it does. i’d like this year to be about being free.

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dakotalouise79 · 5 years ago

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Parenting is a tough gig. It is an overwhelming and thankless task trying to educate our children to prepare them for life. We want them to be kind, but not weak. We want them to be resilient but also not experience too much adversity. We want them to grow and develop as people, constantly seeking to better themselves so they can reach their true potential and excel in whatever field it is they choose to pursue.

In short, we want them to be fair-minded, empathetic team players who can work towards common goals.

No wonder we feel so much pressure as parents. This is a tall order for anyone!

By enrolling your child in team sports, you give them the opportunity to learn these and many more valuable life lessons, at the same time allowing them to share the love of a game or sport with other like-minded individuals.

I am 40 now. I have played field hockey since I was ten years old. You could say I’m a hockey tragic.

Hockey is the sport of my life and I am so grateful to my parents for giving me the gift of the game at an early age. It continues to be how I choose to spend my downtime, and there are very few things I love more than playing and watching my sport.

I have just returned from playing at the Australian Women’s Masters Hockey Nationals at the Gold Coast, where I have had two of the most exhilarating, exhausting, uplifting and challenging weeks of my life. Missing selection for my home state, I was fortunate enough to be invited to play for the ACT (Australian Capital Territory, more colloquially known in the hockey circle as Australian Combined Teams). Even though I knew no-one in the team, I was thrilled at the prospect of playing in a National event so close to home at the Gold Coast.

As the Championships grew closer, I began to get nervous. I would be staying for two weeks with people I had never met before, playing at an extremely high level, away from Lis and the kids and literally living with strangers for the whole time. I am a teacher and this would comprise my entire school holidays. Was this the right decision?

What I experienced has changed me forever. That’s a huge call, and I don’t say it lightly. I have spent two weeks with a group of strangers who are literally now ‘my people’. United by our love of the game, and the challenge that lay before us in representing the ACT against the other states, we bonded very quickly. Our two weeks together comprised strict routines, training schedules, daily team walks, game strategizing, ocean recovery sessions, shared meals, team meetings and occasional free time where we hit the local shopping centres or beach.

Our coach Jess Bingley (‘Bingers’ to us), who is the Australian Women’s Masters 40-45 year old coach, set the bar high for us and I would be lying if I said it was anything other than completely overwhelming.

By the second evening, I thought I was in over my head and truly wondered if I had it in me to continue. I stole away by myself for a quiet sob and then pulled myself together. No way was I letting anyone see me like this, and I knew I just had to rise to the challenge. Training was intense, and the style of game Bingers wanted played was new to me. I was an old dog unsure if I was capable of learning such new tricks.

I soon came to realise that I wasn’t the only old dog who was struggling.

This reassured me, making me realise that other girls in the team felt just as ‘out of their depth’ as I did. There were seven newbies to the Nationals experience in our ACT team, known affectionately as the ‘Virgins’. Our initiation involved us being given L plates, plastic dummies and hard hats with our name on them to wear around our necks at all times whilst on tour, other than when on the playing field. Out to dinner, to the beach, to the shops – these ‘gifts’ were to accompany us everywhere.

We quickly came to appreciate each other’s strengths and weaknesses both on and off the field. As each game came and went, we grew closer as a team and forged new alliances. The Team Leaders, all Australian players, Bek, Reita and BC mentored and guided us. The more experienced players looked after the newbies, and we, as the newbies, looked after each other. We learned quickly not to step out of line, we learned to check in with one another, we learned to provide and accept extra support and understanding when it was needed. We laughed. We cried. We laughed some more.

Win, lose or draw, the strength of the team came from within.

We didn’t have an overly successful carnival.

In fact, we didn’t win at all.

Yet to me this was the most successful sporting trip I have ever experienced.

The ACT teams have a tradition of forming a ‘Tunnel of Love’ after each of the six teams plays, and singing and clapping and cheering the team through regardless of the final score. The atmosphere was electric and I have truly never experienced anything like it. My kids thought it was amazing and were mesmerised.

Winning would have been wonderful too, but it was definitely the icing on the cake rather than the essential ingredient. Our girls put their bodies on the lines, day in and day out. Even when a much stronger QLD team was overrunning us, we never gave up, to the extent that we had Queenslanders complementing us on our resilience and ‘never say die’ attitude. Most of our games were narrow losses, in fact we held Victoria, who ended up in the Grand Final, to nil all until the final quarter when fatigue set in and we went down 2 nil.

I feel I have learned more in the past two weeks, both about myself and about who I want to be, than I have in a long time. While exhausted physically and emotionally, I also feel rejuvenated and inspired. Seeing 65-year-old women out on the field supporting each other and continuing to play the sport they love is, in itself, gold medal worthy.

At times as a parent, I get frustrated with the fact that the world for us seems to stop during hockey season. It is time consuming and exhausting getting the six out of seven of us to our trainings, games and our respective representative events. I know people question our sanity at being so heavily involved, and yet I know that so many families are exactly the same. Team sports equip our kids with so many essential, valuable life skills. They introduce us to our ‘people’ and create common goals and the desire to strive towards these. They set down pathways to achieve and gain personal fulfilment. They foster resilience and a ‘never say die’ attitude.

Please be reassured, for your kids’ sake as well as your own, your effort is so very worth it.

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Why Team Sports Are A Gift To Your Kids Parenting is a tough gig. It is an overwhelming and thankless task trying to educate our children to prepare them for life.

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