#bc i only sabotage myself in the end and everyone gets tired of me

[ribbonzregretz]

its unhealthy coping mechanism on top of healthy coping mechanism 2nite so i can pretend im a well put together person while im not actually

[i-am-emo-shit]

.

[stormyweaver]

Lots of venting below, but sometimes it's hard for me to jot it all down in my journal. Plus it's my blog so I can post whatever, fuck you.

Last night was... difficult. I think I slept 3/4 hours, which is about an hour less than I usually do. My mind just wouldn't stop racing.

I don't know why I feel so isolated in every space I inhabit. I know parts of it (my difficulty with trusting people, feeling like I'm never 'authentic' enough, trying to make my personality palatable to EVERYONE and then feeling like a husk at the end of the day) but I've noticed a pattern that's very disturbing to me.

I never speak up for myself. If something bothers me, I never say anything. Until I do. And it either comes out in a way that's civil, or I just completely blow up.

But it seems no matter WHAT way I say it, me speaking up for myself almost always ends in losing that friendship/relationship/etc. I let go of basically my biggest friend group this year because I expressed feeling left out, and was given verbal reassurance that that wouldn't happen - and then it did happen.

Ever since then (late May?) I've basically felt like I can't maintain any kind of friendship or relationship with anyone. I get triggered at even the perceived notion that someone doesn't want to be around me. I make friends at work, but then those drop off too, even when I'm giving all the effort I possibly can. I see people with friends and I get so viscerally jealous and hate myself for not being able to have that with more people.

I am so grateful for the friends I do have, the majority being on here. But there's a part of my brain that constantly tells me 'You're one bad take or one wrong joke from losing them'. That doesn't seem normal to me. I want to ask my therapist about it, but now that I'm starting this new job, and her latest slot is typically taken, it's hard to get an actual bi-weekly or even monthly appointment down.

When we did have our (short) introduction meeting, she asked me who my support system is, and I couldn't really give her a definitive answer. I don't really have anyone in my immediate area to rely on. It's literally just me, and the friends I have online.

I try talking to my dad, or my sister, or my paternal grandmother and it feels so empty and hollow bc, while my sister can at least empathize with me, the other two will just say 'Praying for you!' and send me like, 25 dollars. I don't... I don't want money? I need a support system. And I don't know how to express that. I don't know how to express to the people in my life that I'm so jaded, and anxious, and depressed, and miserable that I can't even sleep at night with how rapidly my thoughts are racing, with how negatively I think and react.

I've been trying so hard to come to terms with the fact that maybe I'm just broken. That I'll never have a 'normal' life and a 'normal' thought process. But I feel like there's a difference between not being or feeling or thinking 'normally' and feeling like I'm being punished for every time I don't adhere to what everyone else says I should be doing.

The only thing that gives me any real reprieve is journaling, writing and reading. But I've become such a solitary creature over the years. Even when I try to befriend people who I live with, or work with, or go to groups with... it's like I can't get my own head out of my own ass long enough to make a genuine connection. Or I get ghosted.

I don't know how to figure any of this out. I don't know how to re-program my brain so it stops sabotaging every little chance I get at happiness. I don't know how to express how I feel without crying and sobbing because my emotions hurt so much to even convey to my therapist.

I'm so angry and sad and insecure and afraid. And I'm so, so very tired.

[isnt-it-too-dreamy]

i still don't know what to do with this life. at the end of the day i just don't like being here. existing. how many days i have wasted lying in bed not doing anything, not feeling anything. and i still do. and that scares me. one day i have hope and can use my time in a way that makes me feel like my life is not useless, like i am not an incapable, childish lunatic, but then out of the blue i am again too tired to do anything. i thought some day the bad times would get easier or less bad, but instead they're just as bad, the only difference is there are good times inbetween. but when the bad times come i still feel so hopeless and in pain i could easily kms, really, bc then i can't remember anything else. then all the progress i've made doesn't matter. i wish i wasn't still this cowardly and weak and driven by my own stupid insecurities and infantile emotions that are no one's problem but mine and yet i make them everyone's problem. i wish i wouldn't care that everybody and everything i want rejects me. i wish i could like myself and that that would be enough. that no one from the outside could take away my worth as a person. i wish i could live my life instead of relapsing time and time again into either self-protective or self-sabotaging behavior.

[hoekaashi]

3 am Talks - hq pt 3

a/n: almost done, two more left!! i’m not sure why, but these ones were really fun for me to do and i had to cut myself off before i wrote whole fics for each one. also thank you to my wifey for helping me with akaashi, idk why his was so hard for me to do ): pairings: bokuto x reader, akaashi x reader, ushijima x reader, tendou x reader, semi x reader warnings: some spoilers for post timeskip, minor cussing, a bit suggestive (ushi) taglist: @babydabi​, @suckersuki​, @bakugoustanaccount​, @animoozies​ part 2 | part 4

‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾　*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　☽༓･*˚⁺‧͙

⇾ definitely someone who talks about the first things that just pop into his mind ⇾ would literally change topics in the middle of his sentence ⇾ “did you see my last spread, I was centerfold Tsum-Tsum was not happy but when I offered to trade places with him, it made him even more mad - I just got an email saying my new knee pads have been shipped YES - babe are you hungry? Let’s go to the convenience store and get some snacks” ⇾ all over the place ⇾ but the second sleep starts to hit him, he become even softer than he already is ⇾ this baby would def be asking for validation without outright asking for it - we all know he lives to be praised but as he gets older, he stops asking for it directly ⇾ i feel like he just becomes more self-conscious after he realizes that being on a national team means that now the entire WORLD is scrutinizing him ⇾ i could keep going on about him imma stop

“I couldn’t help it, I started laughing.” Even hours later, Bokuto was trying to hold in laughter from the memory of the event. “I think that’s why he’s mad at you Kou.” Bokuto pouted. “I offered to help him up.” “Yeah, but you were also red from laughing so hard and wiping the tears from your eyes. I don’t think he appreciated that.” Bokuto got quiet and you knew what that meant. “But at the end of the day, the pictures came out amazing. You look amazing.” His smile, although soft compared to his usual grin, came back. “You think so?” You hummed. “If volleyball doesn’t work out, you could be a model. I already know one of my friends has a shrine dedicated to you. Which honestly feels weird, but hey, if it’s harmless why should I care?” you said, going off on a tangent. Bokuto brushed off the compliment that normally would’ve stroked his ego. “Nah, I don’t think I could handle the pressure.” You cocked an eyebrow. “People constantly judging you and criticizing you. You know me, I thrive with praise and…” “Become emo with criticism?” He let out a dry chuckle. “Yeah. I’m trying to change.” You reached over and caressed his cheek. “There’s a difference between growing up and mellowing out and changing who you are. You’ve done the growing up part and you’re slowly mellowing out as much as you can. But please don’t change.” “But people keep saying -” “Forget what they say. I love you the way you are now.” Bokuto’s full grin returned to his face. “I love you more.”

.・゜-: ✧ :-　-: ✧ :-゜・．

⇾ more of a listener he learned his ways from babysitting bo ⇾ he would just enjoy listening to whatever you had on your mind ⇾ one to add his own commentary and thoughts to whatever you were saying ⇾ if he were to talk though, he would reminisce  ⇾ talks of bokuto and his old team, things he misses ⇾ but speaking of bokuto, he would go off on how proud he is seeing his former ace doing so well for himself now - even if he still isn’t a normal player ⇾ depending on how open he’s feeling, he might even wander into his insecurities and childhood, things he doesn’t really open up about unless he feels really close to you

“And then I booked it out of there,” you finished your story. Akaashi hummed. “What about the other girl who was still working?” “Look, she never sticks around to help me when I have extra work, I wasn’t going to stick around to help her.” He cracked a smile at your pettiness. “Wait, didn’t you have lunch with Bokuto today?” “Yes. It was nice.” You waited a moment thinking that Akaashi would add more. “That’s it? It was nice?” “Well, you know how he is. But it was nice to see him trying to change himself. Well, improve himself.” You rolled over from your back onto his chest and reached up to play with his hair. “We talked a lot about playing during high school and what the others are doing these days. Everyone is so busy now, it’s hard to keep up. I’m proud of them.” You didn’t let the smile on Akaashi’s face go unnoticed, commenting on how it always seemed to be there whenever he talked about his former ace. “Leave me alone, I’m happy with how far he’s come on his own. I can’t but smile when I think about the people I love.” “Do you smile when you think about me?” “Of course I do, you idiot,” he replied before kissing your forehead.

.・゜-: ✧ :-　-: ✧ :-゜・．

⇾ i very strongly believe he would talk about parallel universes ⇾ he would go into the existence of them but also like ‘what if there was a way for people in a parallel universe who could watch me as if my life was a movie’ ⇾ if he was in a more serious mood, like if he had a big match coming up or sum, he would talk more about his goals ⇾ the things he hopes to accomplish in the future, the outcomes he wants in life ⇾ if he was tired, it would be more like akaashi - more listening, less talking ⇾ i feel like he would always want to know what’s happening in your mind so he would ask you the most random questions or just want to listen to you talk as he drifts off to sleep

“Do you think they saw me when I tripped over Leo and dropped the dishes?” You remembered when he tripped over the cat the two of you were raising and ended up breaking a few plates. As annoyed as you were that the plates you like broke, it gave you a reason to go domestic shopping with your boyfriend. You sighed. “No Toshi. If they were watching you, it would be when you’re playing volleyball or taking a shower.” “But you’re in the shower with me sometimes. You think they saw what we were doing?” “If they did,” you started with your eyebrows raised, “I hope they enjoy it as much I do.” He chuckled. “Why when I’m playing volleyball?” “Because that’s your job now. What else would they watch you do? Play with Leo?” He didn’t reply as he looked down to the cat in his lap. Petting it, the two of you sat in silence for a while. You finally thought he dropped the topic as you started to drift to sleep. “I wonder if the people watching like me. Or what if they think I’m the villain?” You sat up in bed. “Why would you think you would be a villain in a show about volleyball?” “I don’t know. I could be a side character that no one likes.” His voice got quieter the more he talked. “Aw, Toshi. I’m sure you have many, many fans in this parallel universe who all wish to be dating you. You never intentionally hurt anyone. You tried, in your own way, to work with Oikawa, but it’s not like you sabotaged him or anything.” He nodded. “He should’ve come to Shiratorizawa. We could’ve been that impressive first year duo instead of Hinata and Kageyama.” You rubbed his shoulder. “I know, baby. You remind me of that at least once a month.”

.・゜-: ✧ :-　-: ✧ :-゜・．

⇾ he would get deep ⇾ talks about his childhood where he was bullied to where he is now ⇾ while he has his insecurities, he would still be very proud of himself and how far he’s come and everything he accomplished ⇾ on the topic of being proud, he would never pass up the opportunity to talk up his bff ushi and he would hype him up even though it’s just the two of you ⇾ he wouldn’t forget about the other third years aka his other ‘best friends’ (i use quotes bc he only has eyes for ushi lezbehonest) ⇾ the talk would shift over to you and how lucky he feels to have found you ⇾ half of the things he would say would just to get you all embarrassed and shy so he could tease you about it

You woke up an hour ago because when you went to snuggle with your boyfriend, his body was missing from bed. For the last hour, he talked to you about how much he’s grown over the years, not once stopping to let you say anything. You finally had enough of this monologue. “Satori, how much more can you possibly say? It’s been a whole ass hour. Get your ass to bed so I can snuggle with you and lemme sleep.” Sighing, he walked away from the window where he was using the light from the moon to set the mood of his speech. Getting into bed, he waited until you were satisfied and closed your eyes. “But also, Wakatoshi has gotten so far on his own. I couldn’t be more proud of my best friend.” “Satori, please. For the love of God.” “Babe, you gotta let me air this out. Good communication and all that.” “We don’t have a single problem that needs to be ‘aired out’ right now. I got work in the morning and you like the sound of your own voice.” That still didn’t stop him. “And Semi, I gotta hand it to him, the man finally learned how to dress properly. And his music isn’t that bad either so I gotta find something new to annoy him with now. Reon is still keeping his fighting spirit alive and playing volleyball too. My friends, all doing so well.” Tendou glanced down at you who had fallen asleep to his heart beats. “But you. I’m the most proud of you. I’m so lucky to have found you. Not that I needed someone in my life at the time, but all the happiness you’ve given me on top of the great things in my life. You’re an amazing person, and I appreciate the impact you’ve made in my life.”

.・゜-: ✧ :-　-: ✧ :-゜・．

⇾ before we start with semisemi, he plays bass and sings in his band but he also plays the piano and guitar (these are MY OWN hcs, none of this is canon) ⇾ that being said, he would stay up late at night playing his guitar, working on songs and quietly singing lyrics to himself ⇾ his talks would be about purpose - like why he’s on this earth similar to hinata ⇾ aha ha ha so if yall read kuroo’s, you know how i feel about scorpios ⇾ semi babe is not safe from that either ⇾ while he is bad at opening up, he also has a short temper so expect apologies for his random outbursts from him ⇾ imma touch on this more in my semi relationship hcs so i shall stop here

You had been on your computer, finishing up some work of yours that you had been procrastinating on with Semi sitting on the couch, strumming his guitar as he worked on a new song. You hadn’t been paying attention the entire time, not until you closed your laptop and sat back in your chair. “Eita, what’s that song?” Your sudden question caused him to jump a little. “Oh, uh, I didn’t realize you were listening.” “I just heard you singing. What is that?” He rubbed the nape of his neck. “I was hoping to hold out until it was finished.” You walked over to him, draping your arms around his shoulders and leaning your weight on him. You read the lyrics he had so far, your eyes growing bigger with each line. “What… is this?” “An apology.” You pulled away from him. “I know I’m not the easiest boyfriend and that when I have a problem, I should say something rather than exploding on you over the littlest thing. I didn’t really know how else to express this without messing it all up.” “I’ve known you for a long time, I wouldn’t be with you if I didn’t figure that much out.” “But still, it doesn’t mean that I should just stay this way. I should be growing with you as a person, not stuck how I am. I really do need to learn to express myself better.” You let out a small chuckle. “Like I haven’t heard that one before.” You had. Four times already. “And this will be the last. Thank you for putting up with me.” Your arms wrapped around him once again. “Next time, I expect an entire album with love songs dedicated to me. Got it?” “Well fuck, I better not mess up. I don’t have enough material for an entire love album.” You shoved him. “Hey! Maybe I will leave your sorry ass.” “I’m just kidding! Babe! Where are you going?!”

[curiosity-killed]

Hi....If you don't mind me asking, who are your favorite MXTX characters (top 5 from each novel)? And why? I'm sorry if you've answered this question before.

Aw of course I don’t mind! Though I feel like my answer is going to be a disaster bc I love these casts so so much aha let’s see:

✨ SPOILERS AHEAD ✨

MDZS/CQL

1. Wei Wuxian

Ah so I feel like this is obvious based on the sheer quantity of things I produce and the effort I put into hurting him 😅 but yeah! I love how much of a classical tragic hero he is and I love how much love he has and how that gets twisted around and shaped into a collar of spikes around his own neck. I saw gif sets of wwx before I ever knew about CQL and my reaction was “fuck. I’m going to love him” and I do! And I love that he does learn from his past and I love most of all that he learns to accept the love he is given and is able to make a happy ending in a place of being loved and held in respect and appreciation

2. Wen Qing

On the other hand, I did not expect to be like “mine now” with Wen Qing. Don’t get me wrong, the sexy immortal look got me but it wasn’t really till I started writing fic that I was like ohhhhh Oh Boy. Wen Qing is brilliant and ruthless, fiercely loving and aloof and cold. I love that she gets the lose-lose challenge of balancing what is right for her family vs what is right in the world, what she owes to her sect and what she owes to individuals. The golden core transfer is my favorite dubious science experiment in p much all media I’ve consumed. She gets to be so human—prickly and tough and also achingly gentle and afraid and putting on a tough face and sometimes still crying. “I’m sorry and thank you” ! Im!!

3. Jiang Yanli

The first fic I wrote for this fandom was literally “Jiang Yanli died no she didn’t” lmao I do feel like I underserve Jiang Yanli in that I often fall prey to using her to further the complexity that the male characters are permitted while denying her the chance to be given the same space for development and breath — something to work on! But in that, I really genuinely love how tightly she binds herself to her family and how she tries so hard to be what others need her to be—and then she does make a choice for herself and for a single moment at least, she gets to be loved and to be happy and to have this, a husband and a son and a place, for herself. And terribly I love how much she permeates the story still after death. She is the unspoken voice, the face turned from the camera but always still present, carried in the hearts and names and memories of the ones left behind

She deserved better but—I am weak for the tragedy of it all

4. Jiang Cheng

Another surprise (tho hardly surprising in hindsight): Jiang Cheng is just...horribly understandable. He makes terrible choices and his greatest heroism is undone by a choice made for him or, in the case of “killing the Yiling Laozu” is a lie. He is such a youngest sibling who doesn’t want to be the youngest until all at once, he’s the one in charge and he doesn’t want it at all. He is full of anger and hurt and so much love he doesn’t know what to do with it, doesn’t want it anymore, has no place to put all of its terrible, overwhelming flood.

5. Lan Wangji

I almost didn’t put Lan Wangji or Jiang Cheng on here and then I realized that this is sort of a list of characters I’m pickiest about in fic and...yeah. I think what I love best about Lan Wangji is his journey of grief and healing and through that, his decision to step into world. Where Wei Wuxian’s decision to travel and be removed from the cultivation world (in varying degrees depending on your headcanon preference lol) is really, really important to me, Lan Wangji’s decision to go from being an isolated lone agent working apart from the systems of the world to being involved and invested in changing those systems and working to make them better is also really important to me. I’ve talked before about how relatable Lan Wangji is to me (esp with regards to our interaction with the outer world) and there is something deeply hopeful and comforting about post-timeskip Lan Wangji being in his like mid-/late-30s and still making decisions and growing and changing and choosing to invest himself in the world and the future

yeah. i have thoughts here that I don’t really have the maturity, life experience, or articulation to put into words but Lan Zhan Good basically

TGCF

1. Xie Lian

suuuurpriiiiise!! Yeah honestly mxtx’s mains in TGCF and MDZS really just hit all my buttons basically. What appeals to me most of all about Xie Lian is, fittingly, how he is humanity taken to extremes. His capacity for incredible kindness and compassion is equaled with his capacity for cruelness and ruthlessness. His heaven-shaking highs are matched with calamitous lows. He is the hyperbolic of what it is to be human—and he is also the small moments, the wildflowers and the maple leaves and the mundane chores and the comfort of whispered conversations late into the night. I could quite literally go on for pages about what I love about Xie Lian but I am not Hua Cheng and can restrain myself LMAO

2. Hua Cheng

of all the characters on these lists, Hua Cheng is the one I’m pickiest about tbh! When I say I love him for similar reasons as Xie Lian I don’t actually mean this as being similarities between the two but the fact that both of them so richly convey mxtx’s points about the nature of humanity and what it is to be human. Hua Cheng is both the boldest and most arrogant of all and also the most vulnerable, the one who shies away from the truth because he’s braced for it to hurt and isn’t sure he can take it. He is gory blood rain and an umbrella to shelter a fragile bloom; he is a blade whose wounds only heal if he permits it and he is a sacrifice that he brushes aside as a fit of madness. *pats his head* this boy can fit SO MUCH inside him that he refuses to acknowledge

3. Jun Wu

Definitely my favorite antagonist in recent reading. I was doubtful of him from the start (something something issues with authority something something probably should talk to my theoretical future therapist shhh) but the unfolding of his reveal was so delightfully painful and exquisite that I was like “YES!!!” reading all of it. About the epitome of a satisfying plot twist imo. But about the character himself, I love how he parallels so many — Xie Lian in his rise and fall, his glory and disgrace; Hua Cheng in his fixation and ruthlessness; He Xuan in losing himself to the plot and not knowing how to move forward. I love that he feels beyond human in a way the others don’t—he’s so old and has gone through so much and he doesn’t feel things the way humans do anymore, doesn’t remember right how love squeezes the heart or how hate can exist without acting on it. I love that he thinks he knows how to control everyone and that it’s such mundane things that fool him: Xie Lian’s absurd stubbornness, Hua Cheng’s foolish faith, Yin Yu’s...emotional maturity??? Not Sure how to verbalize that one. But in the end, he is defeated by both the humanity of others and by his own—he’s so tired. He’s exhausted in a way that gods and ghosts aren’t meant to be. He is, under the armor and the masks, the curses and the power, human—benevolent and cruel, evil and good.

4. He Xuan

I love my fish man! No but really I love how He Xuan is so fixed on his one goal that he refuses to acknowledge anything else in his (after)life—which doesn’t make it go away. I love that he is left unmoored, purposeless through the very act of completing that which gives him purpose. I love his long con and the ways he clings to himself but loses himself not in the act but in the telling himself it’s an act. I love that he tries to be a moral man and then becomes a ghost king, a calamity. His reveal is also terribly badass and I do love his bone fish wholly unironically. Like I’m not going to get a He Xuan tattoo (for one thing I’ve been meaning to get a tattoo for 5 years and still haven’t gotten around to it) but also. B o n e f i s h

5. Mu Qing

Of course! The Jiang Cheng of tgcf lol Mu Qing (which my phone desperately wants to autocorrect to my Qing) is so...gah he’s such a mess! And he so fully commits to the belief that no one will ever see and understand him as he is but will always view them through their own convictions about him and his actions — which is simultaneously heartbreakingly lonely and also. Sir You Are a Clown. I genuinely think he’s owed apologies from both Feng Xin and Xie Lian for their treatment and assumptions of him and think that he would be HORRIBLY offended at the thought (while secretly touched? But like secretly even to himself). He will never explain himself and will just clam up tighter the more people accuse him and it’s such a self-sabotaging behavior and also so horribly relatable. I love u sir, you’re a disaster

SVSS I have not read but I do really like the moshang art 😂

[technobladetimestamps]

Nov 16 Stream Timestamps

Timestamps from Technoblade’s “THE REVOLUTION (dream SMP)”

Link to my youtube comment with all of the timestamps x

Timestamps with hyperlinks below

02:13  “This is a surprise tool which will help us later�� / thumbnail isn’t foreshadowing / video thumbnails have to be big / stream thumbnails can be detailed 05:17  “The traitor is actually Jschlatt” / firework crafting 09:50  “The ratio is impeccable” 13:23  “Dream’s in the game! My audience retention rate” / vc with Tubbo & Quackity / traitor Jschlatt theory / “Are you high?” “A little” 14:47  “You’re a bit of a wildcard” “I am the most consistent character on the entire server” / “What’s this about getting into power” / “We’ll burn this bridge when we get to it” 15:54  “You really are such an English major” / “You’re an idiom” / malaphor / “I’m actually speaking twice as much English as you guys” 18:07  “I think Thunder is overcompensating in the chat” / “Where can you see me” “In my heart” (Karl & Quackity) / Karl not leaving vc 20:33  vc with Niki / “Did Tubbo just leave me? I spaced out for 2 seconds” / “You can’t call everyone the traitor” “I can & will” 22:45  “You know it’s an event when Skeppy’s here” / “You know it’s a big deal when Georgenotfound wakes up” / “Everyone leaves me” 23:31  explaining the traitor thing to Niki / “Maybe I’m a sleeper agent” / had to kill Tubbo 25:03  nothing happened with that creeper / Fundy interrogating Niki / “Why did I train her for MCC” 25:54  “Even YOU’RE leaving me” / sad music / “I’m sitting here with 203k viewers & it’s not enough for any of these streamers to bear talking to me for more than 60 seconds” / Skeppy joins vc to immediately leave 28:50  Karl has a gift for Techno / Karl is just here for the animatic 32:21  “At least the chat won’t leave me” / pays for his music 35:01  “I’m going to destroy the government so bad” / “I hate all of the farming updates on skyblock” 37:45  joining a vc / “I just got stood up in like 4...conversations in rapid succession” / “My new years resolution was to make friends & it’s november & I’ve made zero headway” / Eret switches sides 41:53  Ender chest setup / worried about hotbar management / potions > shields   43:13  vc with allies / “Karl you are literally the biggest third wheel I have ever seen” 45:03  angering the dogs / trident combo 47:13  “D!ck with one ball” (Tubbo) 50:25  “Let’s hope Wil overslept like [George]” 53:09  recruiting Eret / “If you fight on our side we’ll make you the King of Burger King” / “He’ll be an executive citizen” / “I’m surrounded by idiots” 54:58  putting Schlatt on the allies list / “Schlatt is an alcoholic high on protein power” (Fundy) 56:47  can’t trust Eret / “I hate it when you’re right” (Tubbo) / Wilbur joins vc 59:50  having a moment with Hubert / “Not even the mobs like me” / sad music / “I just gained 8k subscribers the sadness is gone” / cow pit exp farm 1:02:57  vc with Niki / “I’m going to join the other vc AHHHHH” 1:05:02  “Once everyone meets up...I have something prepared” / “Technoblade when are you not ready?” “When I joined the server” 1:09:38  “Who do you take me for? Of course I’ve read the Art of War. It’s written by Mozart” / battle planning 1:12:18  “This is the betrayal...happening very slowly” 1:13:35  Pan1 / “This revolution is so doomed” 1:15:29  Dream attack / Quackity dies 1:18:07  “Agree Retweet” / “Violence is the only universal language” / “i have a supply” / “Why do you talk in upwards inflections constantly?” 1:19:57  Techno not getting to talk / “He took it all by force didn’t he” / “Fear into Ear” 1:23:50  Techno telling everyone he has a stash twice / distributing blue / mushroom the fox 1:26:49  Tommy talking over Techno again / “Stop going off on your tangents” “We have food at home” 1:29:30  vault reveal / Tubbo stealing emeralds / secret chest 1:32:40  “Shut up bro you are green as shit” (Tommy) / “Everyone give me back my stuff you don’t deserve it” 1:34:41  no netherite swords / “Who’s the traitor” “Promise we won’t be mad” 1:36:31  battle / Technoblade trident maneuvering / giving rocket launchers to Tubbo & Tommy 1:40:27  killing Karl / Dream bringing out the end crystals / fighting invis Dream / purpled switches sides 1:43:57  Dream wants to talk / 309k / group photos 1:46:08  vc with Dream / “But only if my enemy insists” / in the van with Schlatt / “What are you doing in my drug van? It better not be drugs” / Tommy preparing to shoot Schlatt 1:54:42  “We won” / “We killed an old man with heart problems! It only took 20 of us!” / President Innit / subscribe to Technoblade sign 1:55:57  Dream & Techno talk in chat / Tommy speech / “It was meant to be” / “I don’t think anyone is bowing to Tommyinnit” / “Karl don’t be weird” / Skeppy has a disc 1:59:06  Techno being apprehensive on mute / Tommy makes Wilbur President / “I’ll be the president” “I’m gonna veto that” / “Techno...you’ve taught me that government is not the way to go” / Wilbur makes Tubbo president 2:03:20  “I’m not sure I like where this is going x2” / “I’m not sure this is a good ending” / “Team chaos” “Perhaps” 2:06:20  Techno shoots Tubbo / Philza joins / “You think Schlatt was the cause of your problems? No. It was government” / speech gets interrupted / “The government ends here, I’ll kill it myself!” 2:09:23  Phil kills Wilbur / techno yelling for silence / “Tommy you just did a coup...& instilled yourself as president” 2:12:11  “If you want to be a hero THAN DIE LIKE ONE” / wither spawning / killing his former allies 2:15:09  post fight talks / “There will be no new government today. It will be over my dead body” / “Techno was not the traitor” 2:18:50  “I need to increase the crater that is L’Manberg so that no country can rise in its place” / “Mom says it’s my turn on the flame bow” 2:23:51  “What I’m doing right now is small scale. This is the work of an individual. This is nothing compared to the cruelty governments all around the world [inflict]...systematically” / “Llamas are the primary victims of war” / “I just wanna be apart of the explosion” (George) 2:27:06  Techno joins vc / connor joins the server / “I hope you’re proud of yourself Techno” “I kinda am” / Jack Manifold (Thunder) being broke / netherite armor 2:32:30  “Beach episode” / Techno accidentally joins the L’Manberg vc 2:35:16  the base is compromised / “There’s no way Technoblade would put a clock there if it didn’t mean anything” / got robbed 2:37:37  “If you’re going to ask me how I got all these emerald & arrows that’s a story for another day” / explaining the bedrock / “I can give everyone stuff & it’ll be such a flex” 2:40:24  Greek mythology 2:41:45  The Golden Apple / “They didn’t use discord back then they used skype, so can’t invite Eris” / “Zeus the god of feminism” 2:46:02  Eret recruiting Techno to kill George / joining vc / “Let’s stop him before he gets land” / Awesamdude proposing a fight 2:49:08  “No one can kill me I’m invincible” (logs out) / Dream literally names the turtle potions Sam thinks he hasn’t heard of / “I’m at soup” / “It’s not smack talk he just has that many items” 2:53:06  “Stab him Dream, I’ll shout encouraging words” / Techno fighting Bad & Ant 2:56:23  Dream wins / “I think there was this Dream guy attacking you with some sort of weapon” 3:00:11  turtle potions / Dream hyping up Techno about fighting BBH / Badlands negotiating with George 3:04:34  vc with Philza 3:07:00  spider farm afk’ing / lagging Quackity’s computer 3:09:06  smp earth / Phil only logged on to back Techno up 3:10:32  killing George / “I’m gonna drop his armor off don’t jump me” / not fighting Dream 3:13:00  vc with Karl & Phil / Karl definitely not starting a government / “Chat that was the boring part, don’t leave” / 320k / “Why do we keep scheduling these on Monday?” 3:16:18  “I don’t even want to think about how famous Tommy will be in the future” / “I get a tad bitter” / covid is good for youtubers but obviously bad / “I’m so good at socially distancing” 3:19:51  “Aren’t you tired of being nice Philza? Don’t you just wanna go crazy” / “You should be wary of the old in a profession where people die young” / vc with Eret 3:21:47  “What if you built a slightly larger throne next to it?” /  “How are they paranoid of a mole but the guy with a track record of being a traitor gets no questions asked” 3:25:47  “I’m gonna place a block at the bottom & kill you instantly” / reverse mlg /  emerald rich even with Tubbo’s theft 3:27:57  “I’ll allow it” / upstairs chests robbed / Eret disconnects with the book 3:32:04  armor sabotage bc he thought it’d be 1v5 / crystals are mutually assured destruction / Wilbur afraid of tnt getting blown up early 3:34:11  the diary was actually Eret’s / “He’s gonna tell everyone who I have a crush on. Nooo” / reading the 100 page book / “Can I not win here?” “No” 3:40:14  “This stream has released more serotonin in my brain than the last 6 months combined” / revolution was overcrowded / could improve the crater 2:43:09  “Awkward ten minute period where I’m just sitting there watching them set up a new government but I can’t kill them yet” / Carl is missing 3:44:34  “The one time Technoblade is gonna roleplay & they talk over him” / “CARL” / “As long as Sapnap isn’t the one that took him there’ll still be hope” 3:46:10  “Once you start using end crystals it’s the only pvp that matters & end crystal pvp is so lame” / Webtoons 3:49:10  “What’s going to happen to you & WIlbur now?” “I don’t know, I think I’m chill with Wilbur” / “The only thing that changed is my voice. Zero personal growth” / lines from the first speech that got interrupted / “King George is trending booo” 3:52:00  1 million twitter followers / “O god it’s been four hours...I am not built for this” / did a 13 hour stream once / sub growth goals 3:56:30  “What the heck is Phil watching”

[loseyoutoloveme]

rare first impressions review

a “first impressions” review instead of a straight up review since my opinions will def change over time

RARE:

i’ve been listening to the demo for over a year and it’s so cool to see how different it sounds w her voice

“burning toast in the toaster” is such an offbeat lyric. almost jarring in its banality, i love it

the glo up from revival to this....... going from wondering “maybe i should be more like her” in perfect to shouting “i’m not gonna beg for you, i’m not gonna let you make me cry, not getting enough from you, didn’t you know i’m hard to find?” we love a liberated queen so much

this is super fun and great but i played the shit out of the demo in 2018 which makes it feel a lil less exciting. i should have waited rip. still love it tho.

9/10

DANCE AGAIN:

“confidence is throwing your heart through every brick wall”

this is so different?????? love to see experimentation, not my fav sound she’s ever tried out i don’t think, but i do like it, v fun

“all the trauma’s in remission” (trauma or drama????? idk)

sounds very starboy inspired at times, at least abelena gave us this

“vulnerable ain’t easy, believe me, but i go there”

actually, almost a return to stars dance at moments???? in a way more mature, fully realized way... which is so cool when the whole theme of the album and its imagery seems to be looking back at your past self and celebrating yourself for overcoming so much, and also, like she said taylor told her, reclaiming the happiness that has been taken from you and letting yourself return to a happier version of yourself, the truest version of yourself that wasn’t being pulled down and abused. like stars dance was her big dance edm record and i know it’s not a celebrated work of hers lol but there is so much beauty in making a song that says “feels so good to dance again” and going back to that sound for 1 song, remembering what it’s like to feel light, to just dance.

(adding this after my second listen: WAY better with a second listen)

7.5/10

LOOK AT HER NOW:

a forever bop

we love her

“of course she was sad but now she’s glad, she dodged a bullet, took a few years to soak up the tears but look at her now watch her go”

8.5/10

LOSE YOU TO LOVE ME:

yes yes yes yes yes yes

we stan forever

“this dancing was killing me softly, i needed to hate you to love me”

absolutely the rawest, most vulnerable track in her discography, which is saying a lot

“in 2 months you replaced us like it was easy, made me think i deserved it in the thick of healing”

i think what i love so much about this era, about the things that she’s saying in interviews, about the messages she’s sharing in these lyrics so far, is like... not apologizing to her abuser, not making excuses for him, not letting his actions destroy her confidence. comparing the lyrics of revival to this, it’s so clear that there’s been such a change in mentality, such a maturing process, that revival was very much still in the midst of it all and that it’s finally over now. no “i’ll always have love for him,” no “everything happens for a reason,” no “i miss you,” no “what did i do wrong?” there is SO much strength in saying “actually, you know what i really didn’t deserve that and i do not love you anymore and losing you is the best thing that ever happened to me” and simply leaving it at that. forgiveness and love is NOT always essential to moving on!! sometimes that chronic forgiveness is just detrimental and the best thing u can do for yourself is say “FUCK YOU” and leave.

10/10

RING:

“i’m one in a billion baby, don’t you agree?”

this sounds SOOOOOOOOOOOO FUCKING GOOOOOOODDDDDD

nothing else to say like...... period....... 

100000/10

VULNERABLE:

“wrap your arms around my weakness”

this is not at all what i expected and is so good

saw everyone saying this is delicate’s sister and it’s so true

the strength and beauty in being completely devastated by a person and still being like... i won’t let it make me cold....... :(

9/10

PEOPLE YOU KNOW:

now this is camouflage’s sister. i love that nostalgia is at the core of so many of selena’s songs like wow she’s truly a cancer huh...... the pain of growing up and becoming a different person and knowing you need to let go of a person that you experienced so much with in such formative years but letting go of them feels like not only letting go of the good memories but letting go of the self that you were when they loved you, when things were good...... ugh

“i never know when enough is enough” hit me right in the heart

this sounds so good... incorporating the edm sound that she experimented with in the droplets but not going all the way there, just kind of letting it exist in that in between....... love

10/10

LET ME GET ME:

“me and this spiral are done, burn this camouflage i’ve been wearing for months, tryna let a little happy in for once” BEAUTIFUL

“take that tired heart and go and turn it inside out” wow.....

this is so sexy and empowering

noticing ur tendency to self-sabotage and overthink and be toxic towards urself..... when ur so used to toxicity and pain that u forget what it’s like to live without it...... but then breaking that pattern and letting urself just LIVE for a moment......

i’m still thinking about “me and this spiral are done, burn this camouflage i’ve been wearing for months” like wtfffffff 

it’s like a self-aware, realistic me & my girls lol 

i didn’t expect to like this one tbh bc it kinda faded into the background of the tracklist and i forgot it existed, but she snapped

9/10

CROWDED ROOM:

her voice sounds so cute and suits this sound so well

“yeah i was afraid but you made it safe, i guess that is our combination, said you feel lost, well so do i” SOFFFFTTTTT.... TENDERRRRRR

again, honestly didn’t expect to totally love this one but I LOVE THIS ONE!!!!!!

“the world keeps on spinning but i ain’t dizzy yet”

this 6lack feature fits well and is a great addition, his voice really suits the song

1000/10

KINDA CRAZY:

an original sg2 track we stan

“but slowly all the sugar, it went to waste” :(

say my name vibes in the chorus lyrics. love!

“you’ve been lyin just for fun, luckily no damage done” LOVE!

“now you’re treatin me like i’m insane... YOU’RE insane!” SNAPPPPPEDDDDD OMG..... YESSSS BITCHHHH

oh my god the snippet that we’ve been listening to for 3 years lol

this is...... STELLARRRRRR BITCH!!!!!

10/10

FUN:

“my kind of trouble likes your trouble too”

the sigh before the chorus!!!! 

I LOVEEEE THIS

“you get me higher than my medication” we-

this is rare’s hands to myself tbh

this chorus is so good 

9.5/10

CUT YOU OFF:

i was most excited for this one!!! based off the snippets she shared in the trailer

“gotta chop chop all the extra weight, been carrying you for fourteen hundred sixty days, gotta gotta gotta clean my slate” OOOOOOOF

“HOW COULD I CONFUSE THAT SHIT FOR LOVE” AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

this chorus is EXACTLY my vibe tbh this song was made for me lmao

“i imagine all the endless places i could know with a drop drop and i’ll let you go, all the possibilities i got from head to toe, yeah they’d yeah they’d yeah they’d start to show” WHEW BITCH!!!!!!! realizing this dead fucking weight is holding you down... realizing you will be FREE you will be GOOD you will be HAPPY without him. the way that dropping him will be liberating and will open up the whole world for you!!! AHHH! LOVE YOURSELF FIRST!!!!

this guitar solo, ABSOLUTE chef’s kiss! selena GETS me!

10000000/10 YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES

A SWEETER PLACE:

“red lips french kiss my worries all away” ummmmmmm *billy eichner voice* GO LESBIANS LET’S GO HERE WE GO LESBIANS HERE WE GO LESBIANS COME ON

“felt what real is like” 🥺

“I CAN’T BELIEVE I CAN BE LOUD, HOLDING HANDS WITH THE DARKNESS AND KNOWING MY HEART IS ALLOWED” THE BEST LYRIC IN HER DISCOGRAPHY THIS IS BEAUTIFUL

tbh i don’t really love the chorus except for the “oo-oo-oo-oo” part at the end but it works with the song and is something i’ll love with time

kid cudi’s verse really adds to the song, i’m glad the features are used to add to the song rather than just being thrown in out of nowhere

8.5/10

[shytiff]

May Small Wins

1 - lazed, went to racheel’s place and put my motorbike there, went to slipi jaya with silvi devi reza to watch seobok (it was fun!!), had iftar at the yumz green sedayu. It was raining when we get back. prayed maghrib and isya in some random mosque. went back and arrived at like 8 past sumn. showered, slept like a babyy

2 - lazed, slept and woke up at like 11, went to nila’s house, practiced doing eyeliner by borrowing nila's (focallure brand), iftar at green sedayu foodcourt (originally intended to go to the yumz but it enforces actual distancing) with angkot ppl minus tik will. Arrived home at about 9-ish.

3 - magang as usual. Went to rm. Took mrt to lebak bulus. My inaco salary finally came. My head kinda hurts after tarawih. Ended up skimming over bj alex lmaooo. Did not shower today lol,,,,

4 - added dr dafsah's revision to the excel database otw to rsf. Pak nardi took a while to arrive. Left rsf early to go to the bank. I (((finally))) activated m-banking lmaooo wow the features are neat wow im not jahiliah anymore. Found this method of just let it sweat anyway during tarawih lmaoo. Preferably with long sleeves bcs somehow you feel less of the sweaty feel compared to tshirt.

5 - sampling - data entry - RM as usual. Theres no new RM. Read a goood dramione fic by bex chan even if its not complete, its okay. Im okay :"))). Iftar was soup, salad, chicken katsu and french fries. Its been 2 days that i practiced sleeping-to-rain-sound. The first night was spent as a dreamless quick sleep (its over before you knew it), but tonight i dreamed abt almira's wedding lmaoo.

6 - no sampling today!! Still went to rsf tooo go to the mall w regen lmao. Did some data entry. Went to PP by mrt. Went back by going to halte gbk and thankfully the kalideres one arrived after only waiting for 5 mins. Its surprisingly quick, compared to lebak bulus - pesakih trip. Took abt 20 mins to jelambar.

7 - no sampling today too. Dr vera gave us lebaran cookies! Did gcp for bu suryati a5. Went to rm, finally finished the available rm. Went home early. Can finally relax since its the weekend.

8 - literally laid in bed til my body hurts. Rly want to read sumn but dunno what. Finally decided to read momoiro heaven. And rere hello. And after iftar i read lack of love. And just like tht, my saturday was gone. Cant bring myself to do things

9 - its another day of lazying (or self sabotaging, cant tell). Read spy family and its effin hilarious. Wasted my sunday. Cant bring myself to even move and i just laid in bed all day.

10 - last day of work in the weeekend lmao. Felt better than being in AR, but still not that much productivity. Went to RM. Phone call w fianti along the way to plan food in almira's bridal shower. Went back at 12-ish. Picked up my dress from risma busana. Walked to and fro halte kebon jeruk. Prayed zuhur close to ashar in kfc's mushola. Felt better after ~8k steps. Had homelab's green tea mixed with vsoy. It honestly made me feel better. Matcha, or caffeine, sure is amazing. At least i had a sense of normalcy before losing all the will to self-care

11 - consumed internet entertainment u til i was sick and tired of it. Watched a lot of cut videos. Granny came and stayed over. So i slept upstairs

12 - same as 11 but upstairs. More relatives came near iftar time so i excused myself to shower. Slept in mom n dads room at like 12-ish. Watched hp goblet of fire since keisha and karins newest obsession was draco. We squealed together over liking enemies to lovers trope haha,,,,

13 - Somehow all of dad's jakarta relatives came for lebaran. the last time i checked, there were some bridges being burned. prayed eid at home. watched perempuan tanah jahanam (which was surprisingly not scary). ate. napped. talked about personal things w keisha and karin. i cant believe the time has finally come where we talk about this kinda stuff. watched you’re next (it barely has any plot, just gore). they went back at about 8 pm and i just sleptttt yall lmao i didnt shower today. disgusting, i know

14 - cam barely get out of bed. Managed to shower at zuhur time. Watched dalbang and laughed like crazy bcs its just that funny. Read fanfics. Tiktok. Ate once and had greenfield yogurt at the evening. Fell asleep. Woke up at 1 and snacked on 1 pack of oat krunch

15 - run bts. Originally planned to go to flavola but it was still closed, so i went to dm's dunkin. Ordered orange juice and oeanut choco donut but somehow the price wasnt package price hhh. Turns out my clires account was somehow banned. So i contacted the admin. Instead of doing dr dafsah's excel i ended up taking off the makara sticker from my laptop. Bought some stuff for almira's bridal shower. Bought arirang at hari2 (its funny bcs yesterday i was seeing online marketplace, planning to buy it, but turns out hari2 the magical place had buy 2 get +1 deal for arirang.

16 - run bts. Managed to move my body a bit. Did 20 squats (ill elaborate on this later). That improved my mood. Tidied up some of my stuff. Saw the paper bag of random memorabilias by friends.

17 - went to rsf by tj. left kalideres 06:45 and arrived at RSF 8:15. sampling. went to RM (still no new ones). picked up by mom. went to salemba for almira’s bridal shower. originally planned to get padang at citra minang behind BK but it was closed. so we drove around looking for open ones. ended up buying it in a small (but crowded) padang place near a big padang restaurant lmao. was the first one to arrive at acacia. checked in, pulled the bed near the wall. showered. its hilarious sometimes with a bit more serious discussion anjayy. went home w febby who drove and clara

18 - went to mcd to get lunch (since everyone’s fasting) and tried to muster the will to do something. i didnt manage to do anything except shopping online (brought dusty pink hijab at hijup). got spicy chicken and iced coffee. (spoiler alert: tomorrow i got mencret2 lmaooo). read my suha and beyond the skidipapap its actually rly good

19 - went to RSF (with mom as usual. quickly snapped RM pictures while mom was waiting. went with her to mami’s house bcs she and uwak will fly to banjar. finally got to meet haekal, he’s such a smiley babyy its basically free therapy. planned outing with nisa lmao. from soekarno hatta we went to vintage vibes lmao since we’re already out. vintage vibes is more crowded now. and there’s less good findings now. went back emptyhanded. ate chicken arirang since there’s no food. fell asleep at like 06:30 until early morning lmaooo

20 - woke up at 2-ish am, played my phone, fell asleep at like 9?, woke up again at 11 lmaooo. went to sbux. had matcha latte. did some inaco work. todays the most productive ive been this week.

21 - went to gi with febby to also meet up with fi, bought falsies and glue (later proved to be of a horrible quality), siraman and pengajian almira (first time seeing an actual siraman), went to blok m w nes ren ara gen. Tried naruto takoyaki at little tokyo, went to daitokyo (i didnt eat anything), and got matcha cake, sakura and mango raspberry gelato at kebun ide. Picked up by mom. Renata gifted me bts 2021 winter package photocard 🥺🥺

22 - iluni internship webinar by dr naldo. Grabbed fried chicken master. Stupid time management etcetc made my start makeup at 12 (febby went out at 13:30). My falsies and hijabdo was done by herrr thank god for the help. Went to swissbel. Didnt take a pic w almira bcs time. Almiras wedding at damai indah golf pik. My skin was TERRIBLE at the wedding. The make up didnt stick prolly bcs of vitacid. Thank god for masks,,, went back home w febbyy. Made tiktok lmao

23 - lazed. Went to flavola. Its finally daytime caffeine again w kopsuscok. Did dr triya's translation work and finished it at home. She transferred the fee at like 11pm

24 - off to RSF with mom. no new medical records. wrote fuad’s name on the medrec borrowing form. continued to nisa’s place w mom. lazed, played w haekal, put some patient’s phone number on the inaco excel. Off to GBK with nisa and sarah. parked at abc field (shouldve parked near GBK’s H gate). saw moja museum 2.0, took lots of pics. mo paint (moral lesson: draw the background first!! not the foreground). finished at 16:30. ashar at masjid al-bina. nisa dropped me off at gbk tj station. prayed maghrib on the bus since the traffic was so ughh. met atikah in lippo puri. decided to eat seirockya so we walked to puri. talked about a certain someone along the way. we rly talked about it while walking until we arrived at seirockya. atikah treated me uyeyy since she and racheel will stay in depok for 2 weeks starting tomorrow. got the shoyu ramen and gyoza. took the taxi to atikah’s place. mom’s waiting there lmaoo i was like “noo dont wait at jco, just wait at atikah’s”. still felt energized that night in my bed. no sleepy2. like 100% awake. 

25 - woke up at like 9:30. i basically did nothing today. didnt even shower lmao (i showered last night). read the good teacher in one go. zoom meeting w dr eva. i rly need some structure in life, goshhh

26 - showered and went to mcd. got nasi uduk, breakfast wrap and milo for 26k (thanks mcd app promo and mcd duta garden’s menu machine, i dont have to interact with another human). planning to do dr dafsah’s excel after all the data is complete, and still no new inaco data, so i ended up.... online shopping at bobobobo....... (bought outer and white culotte). tidied up the writings on my stickies (plenty of words has accumulated). ordered onejai for emir juan (expensive!!! 79k no promo lolll but free delivery. i was baited by gojek’s 1k 2 week subscription and felt like hmmm i should get something since we live in the middle of nowhere and free deliveries felt significant at that particular time when im holding my phone lmao). fell asleep after drinking vsoy + matcha lol its soft caffeine no longer works i guess

27 - woke up late as usual, went to sbux at 1 pm. tried white peach matcha frapp. the peach overpowers and u can barely taste the matcha. tried to read something useful (in medicine) but skimmed 2 ppt and then i saw solid’s bitly for isip. finished reading banana fish. couldnt bawl my eyes out because im outside.

28 - checked out rsf. Still no new ones. Immediately went back. Lazed and wasted my time

29 - iluni webinar. Here comes the impending life crisis. Ate nasi uduk and mie goreng telor today. Tried vsoy golden grain with matcha. It has almond aftertaste. Line call with kris for almost 4 hrs until 11 past sumn pm.

30 - more iluni webinar. Dr Eric, SpPD, PhD was rly cool. Tried daily box (butter soy chicken). Quite tasty. Mkg w regen. Videocalled in the mall w silvi racil bcs its ale and nadaa's wedding today. Bought gooma 500ml matcha w gofood pickup discount. Ate sushi go (the shoyu has mirin btw). 50k+ you get 6 piece of sushi (2 salmon) and matcha cake and ocha. Quite a nice deal. Talked abt cryptocurrency lmao. Went back and forth w TJ. All hail tj

31 - planned to do at least some productive stuff at home. turns out nila is outside and had some time to spare. so we went out. i met her in citra 6. we went to pik’s white beach. its scorching hot since its 2 pm. spent like 15 mins there. we had wanted to stop by monsieur spoon but THERES A QUEUEEE even if its a hot afternoon. so we ate tom sushi at green sedayu. talked a bit afterwards in nila’s place and then i was picked up by emir. tried gooma’s matcha. its not sweet like sbux. approved by mom (who doesnt like sweets). but its more expensive than sbux’s 2L 100k promo lol. (45k after gopay pickup promo for 500 ml). reread bj alex lmaooooo found new tidbits

[q-u-a-c-k]

a different tired ramble

I wanna play stardew valley but it's really late and my mom told me to sleep like an hour ago but I didnt and she's probably just gonna be like I fucking told you to sleep when I wake up really late and say I was tired. nvm she wouldnt say that bc she's too nice to but still she told me to so this is my fault.

I want a hug but like it has to be from the right person and the only two people available are not the right person for a hug.

one day I'm gonna be away from here. and I think I wanna be somewhere with a big field of like longish grass or something. like the nice ones you go on nice picnics in or watch the sunset or lay down and look at the stars.

I wanna learn about the stars so one day I can mane someone lay in a field with me while we look at the stars and I can tell them everything I know about them and the stories about them. that just sounds really nice.

I think I wanna be happy but it's gonna be really hard to do that bc I keep sabotaging myself in everything. like I deny myself basic needs and care because I think I dont deserve it. idk why I think that but I do. I dont think it's good to self sabotage as much as I do. because I keep trying to do that with anything that makes me happy even though I dont wanna do that. and I feel like I'm emotionally manipulative because of this. like I'll rant about shit to someone and just be like omg I didnt mean to do that I'm sorry I'm so stupid which I think I am but I think that's emotionally manipulative, even if I want them to agree with me that I'm stupid because my brain wants someone to say it so I can keep saying it to myself, but they end up saying like oh you're not stupid which i think is actually a legit form of emotional manipulation. and I really dont mean to!! when I rant about shit or talk about my problems I can guarantee you that if I'm being self deprecating, I'm more than likely saying it to be said and holding that someone agrees with me. but I don't wanna do the other thing because that's absolutely not okay to do to people.

and I always feel bad and like I'm using people because when I just randomly rant and someone actually reads it they usually give me genuine and good advice to solve my problems and try to make me feel better but I never know what to do when someone else is ranting or if they even want advice or not. and if they do I feel like I give really bad advice that's not helpful whatsoever. like I really want to help them if I can but I dont know how. that's why usually I resort to asking if they need a distraction and if they say yeah I try to start talking about something they like. because then at least if it's something they like they hopefully get really into telling me about it that it does help distract them. but I dint know how to actually comfort people or give advice. because it seems like everyone else knows what to do for other people except me. and I feel like shit and like I'm using them because i can never help them as much as they help me.

and sometimes I feel bad or guilty saying how much better I've gotten in the past yearish. because I know that people have been going through a lot and are having worse problems and a lot more serious ones than I am. and my "problems" are always the dumbest fucking things ever. they're not actual problems, I'm just overreacting to people who do gave actual problems. and that's why I feel bad. because what,I've grown from tiny stupid problem A to a smaller tiny stupid problem B? like nobody actually gives a shit abou that, and I'm sorry to anyone that ever had to read about any of my "problems"

[survivorgalaxysedge]

Episode 5 | Forgive Me Cowtown For I Have Sinned - Ari

ohhhhh i found something JUICY tonight!!! so yesterday the hosts got tired of me constantly asking how many fuel i have and gave me the command to view it, and i knew i was outta points so i was like ok cool we'll check it out tomorrow. TURNS OUT the scorekeeper bot shows you not just your personal points.... but the points of everyone in the game.... and WHOM is number two on that list with 36 entire points? that's right. my best friend keegan. my first thought was wtf ew how did he already recover from my sabotage, i feel zero percent guilty about doing that now! and then my second thought was WAIT...... this is PERFECT. so you can bet i ran right to all three of my allies to be like "hey omg i found something shady :0 didn't keegan say all his fuel got blown up the other day? well i pulled some receipts and it turns out he still has all of it! why would he lie about that??? so sus!" and now i'm laughing because there could not be a more perfect excuse to get him gone!!! i'm not gonna push it any more than that right now - for all i know, we'll prob win the next challenge again - but i've tucked the ammo away in my pocket, planted the ari seed in jonathan and zoe's heads, and i'll let it sit pretty there until i need it. also, i ended up telling ali what i did to keegan simply because he is 100% not going against me and i needed someone to tell me i'm funny, so i also let him know about this plan o mine and that we could use this against sir keegan, which he's so down for. god. i cannot wait to tell mj about all this shit.

Jacob being voted out of NuTrian is the second best thing that could have happened. Preferably Nathan but my OG Andro and Jessie are safe so that’s very good. Now we’ve got a Guess Who challenge which is okay. I don’t care if we get first or second, I just really really don’t want to get last. Let’s keep the good vibes going and be safe for a fifth straight tribal council. Ali told me he scored 11 points, I scored 10. I hope Zoe can whip out her survivor magic with a score of 8 or 9. And then hopefully Jonathan can pull out a good score as well. Nathan and Zach have both scored 12 on this challenge before, so I can only hope they keep up with that and score high again. Gotta make sure those other tribes flop. I’m still incredibly uncertain about how to play this steal a player advantage. It’s possible we ride this 3 tribe split all the way to merge. My guess is merge at 11 or 10. That would be quite a few tribals to go without another swap but it’s certainly possible. Though I could absolutely see a swap now at 12. Two tribes of six, and then merge at 10. A final 3 with 7 jurors perhaps? Either way, I think I’ll hold on to this advantage until it seems likely that I’ll need it. No sense in causing some chaos if it isn’t necessary.

ok so i'm doing well in challenges rn, as best as i can at least, and i feel like that's the only thing keeping me alive bc.... nobody talks to me. i feel like i'm starting every one on one conversation and desperately trying to keep it alive and not be left on read. idk if they're like this with each other or if its just me but !!!!!! it doesnt make me feel good abt potentially losing a challenge. so i will just keep carrying my weight and keeping my cute little head down and pray im just being paranoid<3

WELL We lost the immunity challenge which is the first loss after four straight immunity wins. That was a nice little break while it lasted. The obvious choice right off the bat is to vote for Ali. Keeps the OG Andro tribe fully intact, and avoids the most possible drama. However, I worry he might have found the Circi idol from his original tribe. Plus whatever advantage he may have gotten from the first challenge of the season. So the alternate thought is to maybe vote for Jonathan or Zoe. I adore Ari would not want to vote them out. It's tempting to throw a vote on one of them in the event of Ali playing an idol, just to keep myself safe. But if Ali doesn't have an idol, that could cause a whole world of issues. On the flip side, I wouldn't be entirely surprised if some or any of my tribe mates decided to throw my name under the bus. I haven't been the most social person and while I have definitely pulled my weight in the challenges, I could see them having their own little group that's willing to throw my under the bus and make things as painless as possible for the rest of them, especially considering they've all said they like Ali a lot. Ahhh this is all so much worse considering I have the hidden immunity idol. I don't want to waste it, but I also don't want to pull a Kellee Kim and go home with it in my pocket. 

it's kind of ridiculous how well this is all going???? why havent they voted me out yet i am running this shit -talked to ali, told him he's gonna be fine we just need to get people to vote for keegan -talked to jonathan, convinced him keegan is the most logical vote "because he's shady" and because it also means we can vote ali easily next time (versus going down to andro 4 and having it get much more messy) -jonathan was like "should we tell ali right before the vote?" and i was like i think you should call him and see where his head is at and we can go from there, jonathan said ok good point, if he says he wants to vote keegan and he also tells you that without any prompting from either of us we know he's real about it -yeeted myself into ali's dms the very second jonathan hung up like OK LISTEN HERE IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY WHEN HE CALLS YOU, HE CANT KNOW I TOLD YOU ANY OF THIS -ali called me half an hour later like "omg we had such a good talk i love jonathan now deadass, i told him exactly what you said to say and he's so down" -presumably in the morning jonathan will call me and say "wow had a great talk with ali he seems cool and great and he said he'd vote keegan, what did he tell you?" and i can say "yeah same he mentioned keegan so i think we're good!" and jonathan will feel like we Did This Together and ali will feel like i Did This For Him and everyone will be in love with me -all i have to do tomorrow is make sure zoe is on board & that she doesn't feel pushed, and prob call keegan and make him some vague promises about working together long term, and then cross my fingers that i don't get blindsided during my editorial meeting at 9pm est i am having so much fun

i just keep thinking about how funny it’s gonna be when we get to merge and mj tells me to vote out all these people i’ve been making f2s with and i’ll be like “okay!!!!<3”

Not to go back to INV this round, but not much has been going on. I've been keeping up socializing but since we're not going to tribal it's been more quiet than it has been last round. I'm really glad we won though bc I feel vulnerable if we go to tribal again. Cindi seems close to Nathan, and Nathan and Jessie seem closer to each other than they will be to me so I'm worried I'd be an easy vote. So I'm really hoping for a swap or merge tonight, or at least a challenge we can excel in. Don't want it to come down to one point again.

^_^ Okay, so no important updates with this tribe! It's freaking QUIET. I haven't talked to Zach or Silver at ALL since being with this tribe. I've talked to Jules a lot and Asya some, though. I'd like to work with the two of them if possible and if we ever go to tribal here, which I don't want to do because uhhh it's worrisome! Anyway, the only actual update I have is that I found the legacy advantage!!! Randomly at like 2AM I found it. I don't remember what I was doing exactly... I think I just went to watch the Circi round 3 tribal and then the Trian round 4 tribal... and then I think I went to watch the Tribe Swap video to see if there was some sort of announcement made regarded the Oxygen Tank amounts because I was confused why that number was changed more than double. I guess I was also thinking that since the hosts didn't make an announcement that the adventure was resetting at the swap then MAYBE there would be a new twist/advantage inserted elsewhere for this next phase of the game? Now, being the crackhead that I am, of course back on original tribes, I SEARCHED everywhere on the blog that I could think of. Extenders URLs, the source code, hidden hyperlinks - everything. Nothing was there. But in this case, my brain said, hmm, let's just scroll down and see if there's anything in the description of the Tribe Swap Youtube video...and... there was!! I didn't really know what it was at first but when I opened it everything CLICKED! Finally the Reem Cameo from launch night serving a bigger purpose made total sense. After seeing this link in the description though and realizing it was calling back to something we were told about night one, I went back and checked to see if this had been hidden all along, and of course it's literally in the description of the Cast Reveal video!!! and every other video after that!!! Keeping in mind that I found this 11 days into the game, I was like, oh there's definitely some nerd that found this instantly on night 1 so I'm probably just gonna get a message saying nothing here or something like that. Obviously that wasn't the case though. I think nobody found this because I lot of people operate via mobile in these, and Youtube descriptions require an addition click to reveal what's there. Alternatively, for desktop users, who the hell is scrolling down for any reason while you're watching videos from your ORG?? It's nothing something anyone does naturally. So that explains that. Anyway, I'm happy I found it even though it has absolutely no use until Day 39. I will say though that having this and knowing that, it has really motivated me to get to the end of this game. Coincidentally, HOURS before I found this, I had a conversation with Jules about how quiet this tribe has been and that I'd like to start working towards bettering our positions moving forward seeing as there are people here with more/stronger connections than either of us. I just love that I found an advantage that motivates me to start playing this game, exactly how I'd voiced to Jules about feeling a desire to start doing SOMETHING. We love a live narrative!!!! Anyway, I'm not gonna tell Jules about the legacy advantage because it's an advantage that incentivizes people to vote out the owner and have it passed on. I trust Jules, we go YEARS back and have to successful runs as allies under our belts, but this is just something I'd like to keep to myself. Earlier today I also decided that I'm probably never gonna tell Ari about it either if our paths ever (hopefully) cross in this game. I wanna surprise my bestie! At any rate, Jules did tell me that Zach and Asya seem like the type of players that only play on tribal days (at least in this case of this game) which is fine, but I've played a few super intense, intimate, and high-stakes ORGs in the past couple of years which has made me prioritize personal relationships with people over barebones game relationships. This makes dealing with people who aren't that interested in getting to know me or revealing themselves to me a SUPER off-putting experience and a drastic change of pace from what I've become accustomed to. But I'm totally capable of adapting to this environment... I just don't necessarily prefer it. I feel like I have room to connect with Asya on a personal level if given the chance. Zach and Silver I don't know. Although, I do think that if we ever lose immunity here I could for sure spit some game to Silver that would make him believe I want to work with him. I already have an idea of how that conversation goes, and the potential negative consequence of it is practically non-existent on this swap tribe, whereas it could have backfired on me if original Trian lost that third challenge. Anyway, I'll get into that whenever we lose or if I get bored and initiate that chat just to feel something lol

No tribal ever again until merge or swap please. Jessie would be the one I'd want out and I assume Jay would as well but she has Nathan's shard so, like, he'd lose that and then I lose my hope of getting both their shards and misplaying my first idol because I'm not good at survivor

Yayyyy we won immunity. Idk what much else to say except that I got 40 fuel tanks

today i am mad and sad. lost the challenge, was my fault bc purple not pink. no i will not elaborate. now ari jonathan and i have decided to save ali and vote out keegan. i hope it goes well. i am filled with anxiety. i don’t even want keegan to go, we just have to make the decision based on the fact that we don’t want to be seen as a tight alliance going into merge, and keegan can make it look like there was a crack therefore not making us look strong. but he is just sacrificial unfortunately. but we’ll see how it goes. i’m still anxious

Wow we won what a concept See what happens when we don’t throw comps ? Anyways yeah that’s it I guess lol

Honestly I I'm done with these hoes I'm ready to vote off Keegan 

This is definitely a very stressful and emotional tribal. I hate that we’re voting for Ali because he is a genuinely fantastic person and under different circumstances I think we could have worked really well together in this game. But when there’s a 4-1 tribe swap and the four of us have absolutely no beef with each other, there’s not a whole lot that can be done. None of my other 3 OG Andro players come across as big move players either. So unless I’m being straight up lied to and am about to get completely blindsided, it’s looking like a unanimous Ali boot. Which is incredibly sad. I really wanted us to win out until merge so we wouldn’t have to vote him out. But such is the game. Keegan signing off (hopefully not for the last time)

[ryxji-archive]

Blog Update and... Mun update?

This is mainly a mun rant so... Yeah readmore I guess

So it’s no secret that my activity and especially rp quality has dropped significantly if you compare to how I started out... Well there is a reason for that... It is incredibly personal and petty and stupid but whatever.

I suffer imsensely of a heavy depression backlash. My last year wasn’t... the best to keep it short (also lbr nobody really cares). Lot’s of school issues and stuff and I have heavily reverted back to old, very very unhealthy habbits in the past months. I’m on new medication and now with summer vacation at hand I almost feel... weirdly pressured and overwhealmed. I won’t dwell too much on it (as I believe that nobody gives a fuck about my personal issues), but it has been only enhacing my anxiety here on ryxji. 

I was always someone who would rather rp her own things. I could never understand people saying it’s hard to rp OCs. Yes you have to work double as hard for recognition, but for me it was always a nice thing because it was my own, it was like you know working for myself...

Rping canon muses is something I am a) not used to and b) usually not too comfortable with.

So far I only have rped a handfull of canon muses, while my OC repartour has been up to probably 5 times the count of my canon muses. There are many reasons for that

1. I feel pressured to uphold a standart of quality I can not always provide. There are probably a hundred of the same canon muses around and while everyone is “hey it’s not about competition!” “I don’t mind rping with many of the same muse!” it will always be a challenge. People follow and interact with who they are interested in. If you are one of many it’s not uncommon for people to rp with others than with you, because they deem someone else more worth their time (be it bc they reply faster, have a nicer writing style, prettier aestetics, write much more, etc). I know it can be subtle and unconscious but it happens.

2. Comparrison is a thing. While as stated above competition should not be a thing, it certainly is for me. I have a nature of always comparing to others, as a way of improving, but it is also a majour factor of why I feel alone and insignificant on my blog. With my depression hitting hard lately I have an issue of seeing twinsies that surpass me in many aspects. Of course while they are inspirational and a push to get better, they are also an incredibly unreachable goal for me. And that definitely doesn’t help my mood and motivation.

3. I have personal standarts for quality. Yes I know I talk a lot about how others are the reason I feel uncomfy, but that’s not the issue. It wouldn’t really bother me if I didn’t have this perfectionist view on whatever I do. If I rp a canon muse, I always compare myself to others and try to uphoald “canon”. I want to give the muse I rp justice. I don’t want to make them something they are not. I want to hold true to what the initial creators wanted to depict and that really leaves me in a predicament because I always tend to go into a different direction.

4. Self Pressure is something I suffer from. Just like my impossible standarts, I do have incredible pressure of myself I want to uphold. I tire myself out. I have a perfect picture of how I want this blog to be and if I can not provide that I get frustrated with myself and basically kill off my own motivation. One of those “rules” is that I want this rp blog to be mainly rp related and with the much of personal rants I already put out I feel like I am just making excuses and whining all the time.

5. Service Mentality. It’s not just about standarts and perfectionism. I belive it’s because of my mum, but in regards to myself I have a service mentality. If I have an rp blog, I run an RP BLOG. There is no time for needless mun stuff or anything, just focus on rping and doing what an rp blog does. Keep your pages clean and updated, rp, write starters, do replies, etc. If I can’t do my job it’s no wonder nobody will want to rp with me. If I go to a restaurant and have to wait an hour for my damn soda I do not intend on paying and will leave not coming again. My mind is all I have to do my damn job.

And those are just the points I can think of right now...

And yes, don’t think I don’t know about all this “you’re too hard on yourself!” or “rping is for fun, mii!” I know that well. Very well, but it’s hard to take that mentality when I am just so used to the self sabotage.

When I started off I was almost overwhealmed of the attention I got. I had to actually tell people I am busy and couldn’t respond to them. Now when I am online people see me but they don’t see me... And why? because in the end we only care for those that give back.

Not all your rp partners are your besties and friends. They are aquaintances at best and you want to write with them. You don’t care about their personal life. You do you and they do them. As an attention whore as I am this is very hard on me to be honest. I am like a damn rabbit. If I don’t get loved I will die. But I understand why I am alone

People believe I am too inactive to rp

When I am active it’s very sparse and not quality content

People don’t care because they don’t know me or do not want to know me

there are far better rpers of my muse

I am too “unique” and don’t uphoald ic standarts

I am way too whiney and post too much Mun stuff

Timezones

Reasons why I personally feel pressure when on here?

I want to put out my best (If it’s not perfect it should not be on here)

I get overwhealmed easily by my own pressure and start to sabotage myself

I am clingy, easily getting jealous and petty

I compare myself a lot to others

I want to provide a good service and uphold to my own standarts

I don’t feel as creative anymore as I used to

I grow more and more antsy with the fandom and topics of discourse

Trust me. All I want is fun on here but I can’t really uphold to it right now.

Idk what words to close this on just

I’m sorry I turned out not to be the great rp blog u wanted me to be. I’m really sorry....

I’m sorry

[thisbrilliantsky]

area secondhand fan explains: why there are five robins

OK SO: the first robin was dick grayson, romani son of trapeze pair "the flying graysons"- young (newly batman) bruce wayne witnessed dick's parents fall to their deaths as a result of sabotage, and adopted lil eight-year-old dick, who then (a couple years later??) became his protege/sidekick. and they were adorable and everything was dandy until dick was about eighteen and started wanting more Responsibility but bruce was like, nah son. so they had a Falling Out and dick left gotham and went to bludhaven where he became nightwing (after a therapeutic heart-to-heart with his buddy/mentor superman but that's another story). dick grayson is awesome and Good and Pure and loves his family so much ;-;

second robin: jason todd, abandoned, gutsy street kid - so bruce was being all broody and I Dont Need A Sidekick Anyway Dick Can Do What He Wants but then one night some punk kid tried to steal the batmobile's tires?? and bruce was like???? and the kid tried to fight him??? with a tire iron?? so bruce was like: Yes. He's Perfect. so he adopted lil 12yo? jason. and it was awesome and everything was dandy until three years later jason was trying to find his mom (his real mom - his abusive dad had abandoned him and his stepmom and they'd ended up on the streets and then she abandoned jason?? or something) and bruce let him bc reasons and he found her?? but she betrayed him?? idk exactly how it happened but the joker kidnapped jason and tortured him and then left him in a warehouse and then blew up it up. :((( and bruce was too late. so jason died at 15 and it was awful and bruce will never forgive himself. (and neither will dick......who had patched things up with bruce by now and was Older Broing it up with jason) BUT THEN (in at least one version of the story) somehow or other the league of shadows got a hold of jason's body?? and threw him in the lazarus pit and resurrected him. (another version has him coming back to life IN HIS COFFIN SIX FEET UNDER bc of some superhero science thing AND HAVING TO CLAW HIS WAY OUT ug h) and eventually jason turns up in gotham again as the red hood; and he's.....angry. and angsty. and just. he's mostly mad bc bruce didn't kill the joker. he captured him and turned him over to the authorities, but then he freaking escaped and that along with the fact of the third robin jason's like??? seriously?? i mattered that little to you?? ;-; im so sad

THIRD ROBIN: tim drake, genius and coffee addict, probably - so bruce was all I Am The Scum of The Earth I Will Never Take A Kid Crimefighting Again and being all broody and sad but then this 13yo kid shows up and is like, "hi, i'm tim, i'm 13 and i'm here to tell u what ur problem is" and bruce is like.....where are ur parents. "at home." what are u talking about. "i know that you're batman" ur delusion son. "no actually i'm not, here's a graph of how i figured out that you, bruce wayne, are batman, and that your adopted son, dick grayson, is nightwing (formerly robin)" ........what do u want. "i want to be robin" yeah that's not happening. "oh gee wouldn't it be A Shame if someone were to get a hold of this info........" are u blackmailing me, kid. "a little" are you kidding me. "no." why do u want to be robin. "bc batman needs a robin." .... "ur just a broody pair of fists otherwise, u know" SO YEAH tim convinces him to let him be robin and tim is actually a brilliant detective and everything is dandy for a while (if a bit tense......bruce kinda keeps tim at arm's length for a while, tho dick warms up to him p quick) and then jason shows up again so Drama happens and then??? tim's parents are murdered??? and idk. sad things happen and bruce ends up adopting tim and admitting that he'd always thought of him as a son AND ALSO tim leads the teen titans and is bros with superboy and a bunch of other teen heroes

OK NOW fourth robin: damian wayne, bruce's only biological child, smol and lethal, kitten thinks of nothing but murder all day - so APPARENTLY ten years before (??? when he was training with the league of shadows to get his Ninja Skills or something??) bruce had a Thing with talia al ghul, the daughter of ra's al ghul (the Big Bad Guy of the league) and unbeknownst to bruce, she got pregnant and had a son. bc they are the League of Shadows and are just Extra about everything, they basically raised damian to be a lil assassin and by the time he's 10 he's killed.......idk how many ppl. and he's a genius and an artist but?? his mom and granddad are super harsh as u might imagine. but he grows up hearing stories about how his father is this mighty warrior and worthy opponent and stuff and he decides he wants to meet him so he just?? turns up in gotham like, "Hello Father, I am the son u never knew u had, and I am here to prove myself to u but it's not like i need ur approval or anything, see I am completely competent on my own, in fact i am better than u, see how i effortlessly kill this thug (please love me)." and bruce is just.......lowkey horrified and highkey ????????? and it kinda goes badly bc bruce has this thing where he never kills ppl (see: not killing the joker even tho he murdered jason) and he's v strict about it and he doesn't have the time or the inclination to deal with a murder child. and he inadvertently crushes lil damian's murder heart. BUT dick is there and he's like??? bruce??? he's ur son??? and when bruce is still an emotionally constipated jerk about it dick takes damian under his wing (pun intended) and trains him in the Batfam Way. for whatever reason (i think bruce faked his death???) dick took on the role of batman for a while and damian became his robin. damian pretended at first that he was Above everyone and Didnt Need any training but he really is just a 10yo who wants to be loved and he actually has a really soft heart and he ends up becoming really close to dick (tho he continues to antagonize tim (now red robin) but NOT bc he feels threatened by him that would be ABSURD) and eventually bruce comes around and he and damian start bonding and so everything is dandy for a while bUT THEN stuff goes down and damian gets killed while protected dick. AND ITS HORRIBLE AND EVERYONE BLAMES THEMSELVES (including tim ;-;) bUT THEN talia and the league of shadows throws damian in the lazarus pit and resurrects him?? or something. he ends up in the pit somehow. and bruce comes to get him and he comes home and is robin again and he's become so into this whole "no killing" thing that he is now a vegetarian. and he loves animals. he adopted a cow. and a dog. and. he pretends to be so tough but he's really just smol and traumatized ;-; he wants to be good so badly and he's tRYING

and that's really all i can tell u about the Robin Legacy™ bc duke is p new and i dont actually know much about him :||

thank u for ur time~

[tumbledryiing]

Some ask thingy that looks fun to do

Thanks to @oceanblue-and-forestgreen​ for tagging me in this :) 

Do you want/have any tattoos? If yes please describe them (if you’re okay with sharing) I don’t know yet. You see, I would love a small, block minimalistic one, perhaps on the inside on my wrist, but I’m yet to find a symbol that is both aesthetically pleasing and has true meaning to me. I think at this stage I’ll just stick to jewellery; at least I can change that when I get bored of it 

A fic that you’ll carry with you forever? There are actually a few, to be quite honest. Obviously the Hat Fic because that scarred me for life, and My Immortal because not only did that become a meme amongst my friends and I, it’s also something the internet (in a rather perverse way) loves to hate. However, there’s a fanfic (actually a fanfic series) I read from the One Direction fandom called Texting, and it was one of the first fanfics I ever read, even though I’ve never been part of the 1D fandom. Even Lovers Drown is a fic that I read right when I first started watching Dan and Phil, and made me fall in love not just with the story, but with the whole concept of fanfiction and fandoms and also made me ship Phan and was instrumental in me joining the Phandom. Text Talk is another fanfic that drew into a fandom, however this time it was the Marauders fandom (a “sub-branch,” per se, of the Harry Potter fandom, which I’d been a part of since year 3) and the ship was Wolfstar. This one probably holds the most room in my heart because not only is it a good slow-burn which you can read anytime, but also my best friend and I never fail to talk about this one whenever we catch up. 

Is it better to be hurt than to hurt others? It depends. I’ve been in both positions in my life, and neither are fun: when I was the one being hurt, I felt weak and powerless and like I couldn’t do anything. When I was the one hurting others, I felt terrible and would lose sleep over it. Overall, however, it’s better to be hurt than to hurt others; when you’re the one being hurt, it’s a lot easier and healthier to either cut ties with the ones hurting you or to stand up for yourself in a polite, yet assertive way, and end up making good quality friends and earning the respect of your peers. If you’re the one doing the hurting, people won’t want to be around you, and you’ll have to live the guilt of knowing that you hurt another a person, maybe even in a way that leads to them having severe mental health issues. Tl;dr: It’s better to be hurt because there are ways that you can fix that in a non-toxic way. And when you hurt others, at the end of the day, you just end up hurting yourself.   

Swearword(s) you refuse to use? The only one I can think of off the top of my head is c*nt. In my opinion, it’s a revolting word, however where I come from, I’m in the minority... I’m Australian 

If you could get away with killing one person, who would it be? Probably Trump. I would someone that I (thankfully used to) go to school with, but they’re not in my life anymore, and besides, why kill one insignificant teenager when I could kill modern Hitler?  

Do you have any special talent? No. I’m not special.

Favourite time (to be awake)? around 1 in the morning. I don’t often stay awake until then because I already struggle enough waking up for school as it is. However, when I do, it’s great; the world is so still and quiet and nobody knows what you’re doing. I also once made a sandwich at 1 in the morning and ate it. It was great.  

Write me a summary of your day? I get up. I go on my phone. I put on my school uniform. I do my make-up. I arrive at school around 1-2 minutes late and completely piss off my teachers. I sit awkwardly next to the one friend in class that I have, or I sit silently next to a different kid in class that I want to be friends with, too anxious and socially stupid to make any sort of legitimate conversation. In Maths, I sit by myself. At recess and lunch, I got to the canteen and by myself some unhealthy food, while simultaneously lamenting how fat I am before either a) sitting in the toilet writing b) helping out the librarian c) practicing my trumpet in the music department or d) watching Yuri on Ice with my one friend. I then go to rowing training, where I feel useless and fat, and then I go home, shower, eat dinner, and then go on Tumblr or listen to music instead of doing homework. I go to bed. Throughout the day, I am reminded that my behaviour is problematic and self-sabotaging, however I do not change it bc I am problematic af. Stay away from me.    

Would you be cool with meeting up with me when I travel the world (late summer 2017- summer 2018)? I would be cool with it. I don’t know you very well, but I would love to get to know you. The only issue is that when Northern Hemisphere peeps have summer, Aussie are in the middle of Winter, which, for my school at least, is one of the busiest times of the school year. But we can work around that :) 

Who’s your favourite character of all time? All time? You can’t ask me that! However, the character I relate to most, and therefore is my favourite, I guess, would be Hermione Granger, particularly Hermione in StarKid musical parodies. 

What do you think everyone should know? I think everyone should know that their actions and words do have consequences, whether intended or not, and that if we were a little more open-minded and a little less judgmental and a little nicer to each other, then the world would be a much better place for everyone.  

Alrighty kids, I know with that with these things you’re supposed to write questions of your own and tag different people, but tbh, I’ve just got back to school, and I’m tired and stressed and I can’t be bothered. I’ve had fun answering these questions, and if you want to do, you can answer these too. Once again, thanks to @oceanblue-and-forestgreen for tagging me, and you should go follow them bc they’re awesome! Thanks, and good night :)

[survivorjordanpines]

Episode 4: Bless me father, for I have sinned - Adam

Okay, I really hope my tribe isn’t full of slow dumbasses who take forever on this challenge. Because if my (script-assisted) challenge time of ~3 minutes doesn’t end up winning me immunity, I am going to T H R O W H A N D S

So, that vote was a cluster fuck. Can you believe LA didn't tell me that the vote was on Kage and not Regan? i'm same. I can't wait to stab her in the back later on in this game just for the hell of it. I'm thinking I'll play nice for now and then when she least expects it, shove her into the proverbial waters and let her drag herself down. True friendship. This challenge has ruined my life so many times in the past. I.. actually did pretty good? 9 minutes, 21 seconds.. I think. I don't think I could have done it faster. I'm happy with my time. Can you imagine a world where I, the biggest flop, actually win an immunity? I mean, I won't, because we'll probably lose when half the tribe throws the fucking competition to try to win the immunity for themselves. I hate these people. I honestly only like Adam and Rafael right now because those kids didn't lie to me!!!

Bless me father, for I have sinned. It has been three tribals since my last confessional. I went to the isle and climbed the third tree, the last one that should've had something since kage told me there was nothing in the second, and jess said there was definitely one in one of the trees, but since mine was empty, someone lied. Probably Kage. He's nice he always says good morning to me. But turns out him and Jaiden were liars. They used my name to try and get Regan out. Saying I said she was an easy vote. Which is awkward because I did say that but not to them. Doesn't matter because Jaiden came clean and cleared my name. But these bitches can't be trusted. Sad I wasted my time on the isle, shoulda gone north but I wanted to rule out the trees. Oh well, hopefully I get to go back. Could really use some of them advantages. Oh well, glad I didn't have to go to this tribal cuz I didn't do shit for the music video challenge. Jordan just can't come up with a challenge that's not lame or cliche. Like flag making? Music video? Come up with something original 

Kage going was a major blindside. I think Charlotte and I were the only ones not part of it. So I need to maneuver through this game with her carefully. I am at the bottom of this tribe which means I need to a) up my social game and b) advertise myself as a free vote for anyone who wants it. Hopefully, I can make it through as I do not want to go against Kage in redemption island.

So i'm super excited its the Steps because I have an opportunity to redeem myself after being booted because of the steps in Easter and Great Lakes! Anyways theirs like a glitch with skype where if you go on airplane mode and then write all the messages then go off airplane mode they will all send within like a minute. It's a cute look and I want that immunity so I don't have to deal with having to send someone home I like. I'll return to the ashes of my tribe and figure out whats happening lmao 

I'm tired of these people already when can we tribe swap??

I think I managed to get Gage's trust. Our conversation today was a real heart-to-heart game-wise. He told me, willingly, about the Kage vote and we managed to agree that Kage was playing too hard, too fast. I think I have deflected a vote against me from him. I know I didn't win individual, but I think I secured a spot as the worst maybe? Karen is gunning for me all because of previous bad blood. I'm frustrated that my life in the game depends on her attitude. All I need is five votes in this next tribal council and I better go fishing now. Right now I feel like I have Gage and Charlotte only. They seem to be the ones who trust me like I trust them.

Well I have Gage's and Jaiden's vote for tribal. I don't know exactly who but I'm all ears for anyone that comes by. I was really hoping that Charlotte wouldn't go since I kind of needed her vote. If she stayed, I would have had four votes right there. Karen is heavily against me and I don't know who is on her side. It'll certainly be one hell of a vote, that's for sure.

[2017-11-24, 11:08:24 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): my first legitimate effort earned immunity [2017-11-24, 11:08:30 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): mastermind i don’t count bc thats partly luck [2017-11-24, 11:08:34 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): shooketh [2017-11-24, 11:08:43 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): regan with 47 hours is a fucking look [2017-11-24, 11:08:54 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): she pissed i’m going based on what i saw before i got kicked out lmao [2017-11-24, 11:09:09 PM] charlotte (themyscira host): i  hate people who sabotage their tribe for personal gain so i hope they vote her ass OuT

Can you believe your girl found an idol?

Apparently I'm the queen of finding idols if Jordan isn't in the damn game. I found one in Forbidden Forest, and one in Kuang Si. I mean, okay, technically I stole one from Ian in KS but I'm still counting that as a win for me. All my walking paid off and I searched the right tree to find an idol. It's not a cool idol or anything, Jordan just called it a hidden immunity idol and I GOT NO PICTURE, but still... it means I'm guaranteed safety whenever someone tries to vote my ass out so that's something. Let's see them try to come @ me with an idol in my pocket.   Is that a granola bar in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? NAH BITCH, that's an idol and I'm voting your ass OUT.

okay damn here's the sitch we got this weird six-person alliance going with me/ryan/jess and ruthie/emma/andreas, the last three of whom are presumably very close, and apparently jess/ryan/cole/casey also have a chat, and as a result i'm feeling more than a little left out of things. especially because both ryan and jess are unable to vote tonight (rats) so it's basically me and everyone else that i don't trust. BUT i had a good talk with casey last night and decided i would much rather work with her & cole and ryan/jess than the other three, especially cos emma's like literally not ever around and i dont see the point in keeping her here over someone who would talk to me. so what i'm thinking right now is, i vote with casey and cole for emma, the other three vote whomever, then there's a 3-3 and jess gets to vote on the revote so we can get it done. of course, this assumes that i can trust anyone, which - as previously stated - i can't. but i don't have time to worry about it so i'm gonna go with my gut. i'll write more later but i have to go make pita bread so ttfn

So my strategy in this challenge totally failed! Miserably. Anyways, so we have tribal and I really didn't wanna have to vote because I think this is where things shall get messy. I wanna stay in the background but Ari is really smooth and I can see they're like trying to paint this as my idea to send Cole him when it's kind of an unspoken thing that Cole should be the next to go. And then, part of me also wants to gather Cole and Casey and we vote Jess. Then plus her self-vote, she'd go home. I feel that it would be an iconic MOVE but its way too early to turn half my tribe against me and then I'd still be in a 4-3 minority. So honestly who knows what will happen tonight.

So, when i was chatting with Ari I knew they were making the convo seem a certain way and yet here I am now having Ari throw me under the bus to Cole. I had a good relationship with Cole and Ari just completely screwed me. I thought Ari was smart, but they're causing a lot of distrust. The only, ONLY way I see how this makes sense in their head is if I'm going to be the one going home. And that pisses me off. How do I know this is happening ? Because Cole confronted me about comments I made and guess what, the only person I've chatted with is Ari. I'm very frustrated, this move makes no sense for Ari, and now Ari is trying to throw Casey under the bus. I'm just overly very frustrated right now and this moves makes no sense for Ari. None at all. 

What a day. So I got all that sorted out with Cole, and I know Ari told him so I don't trust Ari anymore. What I thought we had is GONE. Now Casey is probably going which I'm not here for. AT ALL. But, I need to make sure Cole stays around so he still trusts me. I also think that Ari/Jess/RTP are setting me up to go home if we lost again, so I'm hoping for a swap so I can make some good relationships. One thing I have going for me is that I know a fair bit of people in this game and I can def use that to my advantage. Plus im the redemption island king so people don't wanna fuck me over for that. Part of me wants to just vote Jessica to get back at Ari, so honestly who even knows at this point. I'm a rather vindictive person and I think that ends up fucking me up in games, so I'm trying to think with my head but its hard when people are blatantly trying to pull the wool over my eyes.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASSSE make it so that Emma and I are on the same tribe, she's the only one that I think is 100% real to me.  Also I think Ari might be a rat, she told Cole that me, Emma and Andreas were voting for him and I???? I would never vote Cole. I would vote out some of my alliance members before I would vote out him. Maybe. 

The people that have come up to me about anything game-related are Regan, Gage, and Jaiden. Gage seems to honestly want to work with me along with Jaiden. Then there is Regan who just told about why the vote went as it did which I already knew about. Finally, I was talking with David and that was just friendly conversation. The only way to actually live through this tribal is to up my social game and basically follow wherever the majority is. That's the plan, but I still feel like I'll either get some votes or be voted out. The latter seems most likely.

So it looks like the majority is falling on Jaiden and I'm depressed. Jaiden is the one of the only people on this tribe that has my back. Losing him is losing a vote that will be with me for the rest of this tribe's existence. Now I just hope he wins redemption and isn't too pissed about me voting him out. Please let this work in my favor gods of Survivor!

Hey first confession here~ First tribal my tribe is full of sketchy people first pippa made a voting confessional i was throwing her name around well that was everybody and this vote i wanted to go vote off casey but ari decided to be messy and throw andreas name out i wanted  to be loyal to them for once instead of voting them off but noooo now jessicas name is being thrown out and aris name and caseys names because of me and etc.... Ruthie is my number 1 so yeah

Anyway I think we're blindsiding Adam, it'll be 4-2-2 so like 4 would be David Regan la and gage, 2 would be me and jaiden and 2 would be Adam and raf, assuming that Adam is voting with raf and not against him. Tbh if this works out then it'll look like I'm on the outs of the alliance so 🤷🏽‍♀️ It could work bc it might get me info on ppl who think I could swing their way instead. Also I'm considering actually working with jaiden, he seems trustworthy so far and he said he would vote for me so

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE BE A TRIBE SWAP PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE OR A MUTINY LET ME GET AWAY FROM THESE PEOPLE!!!!!

that was a mess and a half!