#and i hate vulnerability and showing weakness and sabotage all my relationships and push everyone away

[i-am-emo-shit]

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[kimikitty96]

Goodbye Letter to my Eating Disorder

It’s been hard. The past 3 years were so difficult, I’m surprised I haven’t completely lost myself. From having relationship problems, to deaths in my family (my brother and kitty died), to being sexually assaulted in the gym, to almost losing my mom this past year...suffice it to say, it’s been rather difficult. 

I turned to my old “friend”, Edward. We “met” when I was 8 years old, and lost touch when I started working at 21 years old. Or, at least I thought we lost touch; he just put on a mask. But here he was again. He was there for me when I was struggling the most. No one else understood my pain the way he did, and no one numbed me like he did. He gave me the drive and motivation to get out of bed and to go to the gym; he kept me from faltering on my diet and turn to comfort eating; he continued to cheer me on when I made mistakes and would tell me to keep going. When I have injuries, he’d tell me that my initial weight loss was not due to me exercising, but my eating habits and to not worry, I can still continue! When I got sexually assaulted at my gym, he said to me that I never have to go back to that gym, and that I can go anywhere else to get my “Brazilian Booty”. He suggested I take a trip to Vegas and just enjoy myself, then come back and get serious.

He comforted me when my fiance would reject me, saying if I listened to him, I won’t need my fiance because I’d be able to attract the guy I really wanted, that all I needed was a little push. When my kitty passed away, Edward allowed me to grieve and to celebrate her life by going to a buffet and enjoying seafood, on one condition: I had to make sure that I was right back on track by making sure that I would “let my body rest” from food for a couple of days.

Last July (2019), I went into PHP because I knew something was seriously wrong. Edward was no longer helping me. His voice grew louder in my head, and what used to be gentle nudging became more forceful, more frustrated. Here was his evolution:

-”Oh, you want carbs? Well, that’s okay! You can have carbs and use it as energy for the gym when doing cardio/lower body workout tomorrow! Just make sure you lower your fat intake, okay?”

-”Yes! There’s a food festival! Make sure you get your 10k steps before you go, okay? We’ll eat everything we want, just like those fitness people do on YouTube! You’ve earned it!”

-”Oh, you gained weight...again. I mean...maybe you should lower your calories again. You’re eating a bit more than you’re supposed to, so just make sure your weekly calories are where they’re supposed to be.”

-”Lord, you failed an exam??? Okay, you need to hit the gym harder so you can focus better.”

-”[Fiance] refused to touch you again? It’s been a month since the last time? Why do you even want him to touch you at this point? You should just think about that guy who molested you at the gym, since that’s all you can get at this point.”

“You failed another exam? Jesus christ, you need to focus harder. You’ll never finish community college and get into [#1 dream school] if you continue like this! But if you let your body rest from food, you’ll have mental clarity and will remember your course material better.”

-”Oh, fiance said no to you again. You really need to stop having these “cheat days” or “cheat meals”. He’s getting more and more grossed out by you every day.”

-“Why can’t you just stop eating the junk foods you’re eating? You were able to do it before. You’re so stupid, you can’t even get this right. You know what? I’m going to test your willpower. Go out and buy junk food, and stare at it and say no!”

-”See, he’s flirting with so many other women at his work. This is why he won’t touch you. You’re stupid and ugly; you’re worth nothing unless you are at the top of your class, and weigh less than [UGW]!”

-”Why can’t you stop eating?!?! Why do you have the willpower of a drug addict?! You’re nothing! Get rid of that! You don’t deserve your meal! GET RID OF IT NOW!”

-”JESUS CHRIST, YOU ARE FUCKING STUPID! IT’S YOUR FAULT YOUR FIANCE DON’T WANT YOU! YOU’RE WORTH LESS THAN NOTHING! YOU DESERVED BEING GROPED AT THE GYM BECAUSE THAT IS YOUR WORTH!”

-”See? You failed a class you already took! This is how stupid and [ableist expletive] you are. You can’t even do that shit right. YOU ARE NOTHING. YOU HAVE NEGATIVE WORTH.”

-”Your brother died because he had diabetes. Your mother almost died because of diabetes. They couldn’t control; the shit they put in their mouths, and you will end up with the same fate because your dumb ass can’t even say no to a chip.”

-”Oh, you lost another friend? That’s because you’re a piece of shit. You’ve always been a piece of shit. You deserve to be alone. No one should be subjected to the bullshit that is you. You should just KYS.”

-”No, you can’t have that! You can’t touch food unless I say so! I don’t care that it’s been a week!”

-”No don’t touch food! It’s all poison! It’s going to kill you! Look what it did to your mom and brother! You’re gonna lose your dad too because all food is poison! DON’T TOUCH ANY FOODSTUFFS!!!”

*Me, fainting, at home alone, because I haven’t eaten in a week and my heart rate is in the low 50′s*

-”Why are you being an attention whore? Stop your bitch ass whining and go pee.”

*My response* “Bitch, there’s no one here! Who am I being an attention whore to, my cats?!”

-”Yes! Now stop being a whiny bitch and go pee!”

-”Why are you still here? Why aren’t you doing everyone on this earth a favor and disappear. No one would miss you. They’re not even thinking of you right now. No one misses you now. Everyone is just pretending to like you because they feel sorry for you. They actually really hate you. Just disappear. They don’t want you around anyway.”

-”Leave. Disappear. No one wants you. Just take [redacted], and go to sleep.”

Edward was not helping me. He made it seem like he was, but he wasn’t. He entered my life during a time when I was vulnerable and made me believe he would be my redemption. He knew me; he knew what was best for me. He could make me better/stronger/more beautiful/more desirable/smarter; all I had to do was listen.

That’s not who he is. He is a monster. He’s worse than that; he is pure evil that nothing and no one should ever allowed in. He took what I give him, and it’s not enough. It’s never enough. Once I did what he told me to do, he tells me to go farther because while it’s good, I can do better; I can be better. He destroyed everything I touch and turned it against me so that I couldn’t rely on anyone but him. He isolated me and introduced me to his partner-in-crime, Shame. The more Edward spoke, the more Shame consumed. 

When I thought Edward was giving me drive and motivation to go workout so I could improve myself, in reality, he was telling me my body was grotesque and that I needed to punish myself because I mistreated my body. When he tried to keep me from faltering on my diet, he was telling me I shouldn’t eat [xyz] so I can be healthy, when in reality, he was encouraging me to binge/purge/restrict/fast, causing heart palpitations, unstable-low blood pressure, gastrointestinal distress, brain fog, increased bouts of depression, and severe low self esteem; instead of being healthy, he made me extremely unhealthy. When he continued to cheer me on whenever I injured myself due to too much physical exertion and would tell me to “reign my diet in”, the reality was that he caused these injuries by telling me that I had to keep going no matter how hard I trained, that I couldn’t eat enough calories so I could heal and recover, and that even though I was injured, I couldn’t rest and had to continue to exercise. When I got sexually assaulted at my gym, he graciously allowed me to transfer gyms and continue to workout and ignore my mental health when in reality...he wanted to keep me mentally weak so that I would continue to rely on him because he made clothes fit better.

He made it so clothes can fit better; clothes I bought, that I wasn’t allowed to wear, because my body wasn’t where he wanted it to be, therefore I didn’t deserve to wear them yet. 

The past few months have been the most difficult out of the 3 years I’d been struggling; COVID, finishing school and transferring to uni, cheating on my fiance, my mom almost dying (twice), and really delving deep inside me to come to terms with everything I went through and being completely honest with myself...I never want to go through that again. But I am extremely grateful I did, because I saw who Edward really was. I saw him for the toxic, vile, awful evil entity he always was, and now I get to say goodbye.

To Edward:

Thank you for who you were when you back into my life (again). Thank you for helping me cope with my issues, and for keeping my head afloat; you did the best you could, given the circumstances you had. I was broken, hurt, lost, and saw nothing good in me. You showed me that I can be better, and that I can do better. I just have to push a little harder, and I’ll eventually get what I want.

You gave me something to hold on to in the beginning, and thankfully, I figured out your toxicity before it was too late for me. This is me telling you that I want to part ways. I know you’ll still be around, because you are my oldest “friend”, and I know you will do your very best to get me to succumb to your ways. But like you taught me, if I just have a little bit of willpower and a little bit of strength and perseverance, I can achieve what I want; that the only person stopping me is myself. I can either move forward, or sabotage myself once more; it was, and is, completely up to me, isn’t that right?

Thank you for the lessons you taught me. I will utilize them to fight you every single day of my life. Yes, I will have setbacks. Yes, I will falter. But like you taught me; if I falter, I need to keep going. What was it you used to tell me? If I miss a workout, or eat something I wasn’t supposed to, that I needed to work twice as hard the next day? That’s exactly what I’m going to do. If I let you in, I will tell myself that it’s okay to make a mistake, and that I can always turn my back on you whenever you appear. The only difference between your lesson and my OWN words is that I will forgive myself for allowing you back in. 

I want to thank you for all the vitriolic words you’ve shouted at me. If it weren’t for that, I would’ve never seen the kindest words uttered to me by the ones who do love and care about me (yes, the people in my life love me despite your insistence that they don’t). I want to thank you for the discipline you’ve instilled upon me. If it weren’t for that, I would’ve never remembered the drive I have at succeeding at endeavors that mean a lot to me. And you know what means a lot to me? 

I MEAN A LOT TO ME!

So I will work my hardest to make sure I fight you every single god damn day of my life, and in doing so, empower me to be the best me I can. And you know what it means to be the best me? It’s to be my most authentic and honest and forgiving self. I means I can finally love and appreciate me the way I love and appreciate everyone in my life.

This is my goodbye. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

Kitty 

[baddcop]

🎵🎵🎵🎵

MUSE MUSIC MEME.  * ( NO LONGER ACCEPTING. )

You sent four so I’m bouta go apeshit and do 4 songs oop. 👀

I’M NOT A SAINT. - BILLY RAFFOUL.

Well I’ve had one too many cigarettes burning up my lungsHad the taste of one too many lips hanging of my tongueSunday morning getting high, drinking here aloneThinking up a brand new alibi for not coming homeAnd I’m sorry I say “fuck” so much.

I’m not a saint, but I could be if I tryLord knows I’ve got habits to breakI’m really good at being good at goodbyesI’m gonna give you fair warning that II’m not a saint, but I could be if I tryLord knows I don’t learn from mistakesAnd I’m not here unless I’m here by your sideI’m not a saint, but I could be if I

I’m sure at this point it’s been made painfully aware how much Gavin depends on drinking, sex, fights and so on to cope with how he feels. (Although he doesn’t show it) and while he knows he shouldn’t do so he tends to self sabotage his relationships out of fear of rejection, which usually works. He tends to use it as a shield while also feeling guilty about it, as well as feeling angry and wanting someone to blame. It’s a sort of vicious cycle he’s in and he’d really rather be better because he knows he could be. Gavin is painfully smart, a lot smarter than I think he’s given credit for and a lot smarter than he lets on. It’s part of what makes him good at his job (and he is good at his job when he wants to be of course.)

Sober up and settle down, give a little talk‘Bout how I can’t keep from runnin’ ‘roundSay it’s not your fault, oh, ohAnd I’m sorry I lie so much

Gavin lies, he lies and fronts and is aggressive because that’s his only defense. He can’t seem to get out of the cycle he’s put himself into even though he knows he could be better and even though he knows it’s not exactly good for him. Misery is a comfort to him, it’s all he’s ever known, pain and being alone is what he understands and anything outside of that frightens him. It frightens him because he’s scared it will end, scared about how much it’s going to hurt when he has to go back to what he knows. And it’s a case of a self-fulfilling prophecy. He pushes people away or doesn’t try and eventually they leave and it solidifies that beliefe that he can’t be happy, that he doesn’t deserve it and that any happiness he feels is a fluke and will eventually end. It’s scary for him because he can’t control another person and he thrives on being in control, having it taken from him or having to be out of control is mortifying and he never wants to feel like how he felt when he was a kid ever again. Unfortunately, he’s gone to extremes to do so and sadly it’s worked just how it was supposed to, whether he intended to do it or not.

I’m gonna give you fair warning that IWill be the reason for the tears in your eyes

Gavin knows how he is. He knows he’s messy, depressed, angry, jealous and possessive. He knows how he acts and how he keeps people at bay and he doesn’t know how not to do so. So when someone gets close to him he tends to lock up and try to warn them, another sort of self-fulfilling prophecy type of situation where he uses it both as a means of keeping people at bay and at removing responsibility from himself to try and avoid guilt. A lot of the time he’ll use the “Well I told you– I told you how I was. This always happens. It was bound to happen again” stuff as an excuse because he hates how guilty he feels and he doesn’t want to admit that vulnerability.

GO FUCK YOURSELF. - TWO FEET.

Fucked and drank all nightActed all alrightHad no need to fightTonight, tonight

As stated previously, Gavin uses sex, alcohol and so on to cope. It definitely helps him to release his built up aggression, his need for touch, and control. Effectively, it’s the perfect means of guarding himself. He’s allowed to be in full control, he can play the role of a charming stranger for the night, he receives touch and sexual attention with no strings. Usually, if he’s looking to sate that need he’ll avoid fighting and opt instead for keeping his face unbattered to better catch people’s eyes. Men or women or whatever he doesn’t care. As long as he gets to be in control he enjoys it. Every now and then he caves and submits, is raw and relinquishes control to his fling and disappears into the night glad to never see them again and have to deal with the baggage and embarrassment of them knowing some weakness he perceives himself to have.

Cast me far awayPlay these little gamesActin’ all okayToday, today

Using his anger as a shield, as well as his rather rough behavior towards friends and coworkers, comes to him like second nature. He’s been doing it for so long he can’t imagine not pushing people away. It’s effectively the way he keeps people’s eyes off of him, no one cares to look for long when they don’t care and when they don’t really know how deep that hurt runs. He’d rather he keep people at a distance and that they return the favor, it’s much safer for him like that. Tina, Christ, they don’t know how much he carries around or just what he’s gone through. And he likes it like that.

ME, MYSELF & I. - G-EAZY & BEBE REXHA.

Oh, it’s just me, myself and ISolo ride until I die‘Cause I got me for life (Yeah)Oh, I don’t need a hand to holdEven when the night is coldI got that fire in my soul

Gavin effectively believes he’s going to die alone. He’s thought about it more than once, he’s thought about it when he was younger and he kind of tries to come to terms with that “fact” by ignoring it completely. He tries to convince himself and others that he’s better off alone and that he’ll be fine on his own. It’s a lie. He finds it really hard to trust people as a direct result of how much he was kicked around, abused, neglected and moved around like baggage as a child.

Hun, and as far as I can see, I just need privacyPlus a whole lot of tree, fuck all this modestyI just need space to do meGive the world what they’re tryna see […]‘Cause this hunger is drivin’ me, yeahI just need to be alone, I just need to be at homeUnderstand what I’m speakin’ onIf time is money I need a loanBut regardless I’ll always keep keepin’ onFuck fake friends!We don’t take L’s, we just make M’sWhile y'all follow, we just make trendsI’m right back to work when that break ends, yeah.

Everyone else in the precinct effectively has some kind of life, something outside of work. In my own personal headcanons, Tina is married, Chris is a father, Hank is babysitting Connor now that he works there. (no one with these muses has to agree to these I was just trying to flesh out the world Gavin is involved in) Everyone but Gavin at the office seems to have some sort of family or closeness outside of work. Gavin, however, does not. He’s given everything he can to this job, his career is everything to him and he uses it to keep people at bay once again. He is absolutely a very intelligent and driven man underneath all of his issues, and he’s smart enough to be bothered by the fact that he feels incredibly lonely. Yet, instead of changing, he once again just delves into his work, using anger as a means to guard himself claiming that he just needs his privacy, wants to focus on his career, trying to use his hunger to advance his career as a means to put himself above his coworkers.

Yeah, and I don’t like talkin’ to strangersSo get the fuck off me, I’m anxiousI’m tryna be cool, but I may just go ape shitSay “Fuck y'all!” to all of y'all facesIt changes though now that I’m famousEveryone knows how this lifestyle is dangerousBut I love it, the rush is amazin’Celebrate nightly and everyone ragesI found how to cope with my angersI’m swimmin’ in moneySwimmin’ in liquor, my liver is muddyBut it’s all good, I’m still sippin’ this bubblyThis shit is lovely, this shit ain’t random, I didn’t get luckyMade it right here ‘cause I’m sick with it, cuddyThey all take the money for grantedBut don’t want to work for it—tell me now, isn’t it funny? (Nah)

I really really think that Gav actually has anxiety and depression as a result of his trauma. This isn’t made very stereotypically obvious as he uses his sort of brutality and anger to overcompensate and impress people. But he can’t stand silence. He tends to bury that anxiety beneath his anger so he can more “safely” express it as “Fuck you”s and so on. Coping with his feelings via alcohol, fighting, looking for an adrenaline rush. He’s absolutely reckless sometimes both because he doesn’t care, and because he absolutely thinks he’s smart enough to get away with it. The success he’s achieved thus far isn’t something he ever places on luck no matter what, it’s the one thing he holds firm on that he worked hard for and he will without a doubt drag you if you’re not willing to put the time into your craft or goals to achieve it.

Yeah, lonely nights I laid awakePray to Lord my soul to takeMy heart’s become too cold to breakKnow I’m great, but I’m broke as hellHavin’ dreams that I’m foldin’ cakeAll my life I’ve been told to waitBut I'ma get it now, yeah, it’s no debate.

The detective has spent a lot of time on his own, that’s no surprise and I’ve probably overstated it at this point. The nights he doesn’t go out looking for a fight or fuck are… much worse honestly. He drinks himself into sleeping after a night of blasting music, screaming and howling into the night, breaking things and punching walls. Knowing full well he’s exempt from noise complaints being filed because of the landlord. He tries to do anything to drown out the noise in his head. Reed is completely aware of how cold he is, it keeps him safe but he’s absolutely broken up about it, although he’d never admit it and tries never to show it. Emotions have never been “safe” for Gavin to show, he’s been screamed at relentless inches from his face for it as a child, for crying for being sad, for being a child. Always pushed aside, never made a priority until much later in his life, until he self-sabotaged that too. Now that he’s been on his own for so long he’s not stopping for anything anymore, he’s going for what he wants and only what he wants even if it destroys him. He is angry and wounded about his past still and wants to hurt people because of it, wants to take it out on them, despite knowing it’s not really their fault. It’s just another unhealthy outlet.

ASSHOLE. - HOOLIGAN CHASE. (TW: FOR DRUG MENT.)

Baby, I’m a bad boy, I might hurt youI need a therapist and a perc too[…] I ain’t got no drugs, I’m turnin’ to an asshole

This song effectively encompasses everything about Gavin’s front. It’s a lot more vulgar and Horny than the other songs on his playlist, the entire beat just radiates his energy and so do some really key lyrics. Reed, as stated before, tends to warn people that he’s an asshole when he’s gotten into relationships as a means of omitting guilt “when” it goes wrong and to keep himself safe. Despite being a cop now, Gav’s nose wasn’t always clean for lack of a better phrase. (While he’s mostly clean now he narrowly avoided getting into quite a lot of trouble.) While he’s aware he needs some form of professional help subconsciously, he’s far too afraid to get it for himself and doesn’t really see a point as he views himself a bit like a lost cause.