#bc i need it in my blog for dopamine purposes :)

[banqanas]

Fanta and RMPG members's reaction to Keito's new drama 🙈

Source: RamFan Quest Episode 6

[hesitationmarx]

i didnt have my laptop for one week and coming back to this site is like. wow. i really scroll thru this vast array of nonsense accrued in the like 13 years i've had this blog. and i fuckn do it on purpose? bc occasionally a stranger will agree with me about whatever fucked up fictional character i'm gay for this season and that's ig almost as much social-feedback dopamine as i need but. damn.

[amazon-me-bitches]

i just cried for a solid 15 minutes over...wait for it....NOTHING LEGIT NOTHING. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME? Was I watchign Bojack? Yes Have I been drinking? Yes Am i on my period? Yes but you know what? I dont think it is because of any of these reasons, I think this is just me. I am always lowkey sad or feeling nothing at all and it SUCKS, because i feel guilty as FUCK about it. I want to be happy, there is nothing WRONG in my life. I have the best wife in the whole damn world that i love so much and dont deserve at all, i have a brand new job, a car, almost a new place to live, a family who loves me but I am still....like this and I don;t know how to shake it off. I have tried CBD oil, thinking on the positive side, waking up early, bettering my life, nothing. nothing is making me feel better, i feel broken and I dont know how to fix me. we dont have money or insurance for pills so thats probably not going to work out. I dont know how everyone else does it...why does everyone else just get ten scoops of dopamine and saratonin but when i come by they hide the scooper? that was a stupid analogy this whole thing is stupid, but what good is having a blog if you cant bitch to the void? I dont know what it is going to take to make my brain work right where i can feel things and not just sad things but fuck man.....sometimes i think i am never going to have a purpose in life like i dont mean anything and eveyone would be a lot better off without me...like i know that sounds cliche and NO im not thinking about "BADDDDD" things, im just throwing out shit that bounces in my head all day. I feel like im not good enough for anything or at anything or for anyone and no amout of pep talks or reassurance is goign to make me unfeel this. I cant drive a damn car bc im scared and stupid. im probbly not going to get better in school if they even let me in. i am a physical and emotional drain on everyone i know including, nay especially to my self. One day I am goign to be old and frail and look back and thing i wasted my life being unhappy and i know that yet somehow dispite me wanting to be happy im not and i dont want to talk about this with my wife because she is wonderful and perfect and does everything for me , she is my whole world and all i do is bitch constantly and im afraid if i bring this up she will think i am ungreatful or that i dont love her and leave me. because she is so great and smart and beautiful and im not and i think everyday about how she could do better than someone like me. and that scares me because i love her so much i would die without her and now im crying again like a little bitch. asdfghjmvj knlf v I keep putting off going to the dr about this because i dont want to seem like a pillhead wanting drugs but beth says it aint like that and that she will come with me and we can figure this out i just know this isnt a great time we have so much going on right now....i need to get pills for fasd bc over the past year i discovered i have that and that is what everything else wrong with me stems from. so maybe i will target that. yanno writing does help, its nice to get everything out of my head so i can see it. if you read all the way though thanks, if not its cool this has been one long babble but it felt good to get this out.

[doyoueverwonderaboutit]

Usually I come here when my heart feels heavy about something that I can't do anything about, or bc of things that I shouldn't be doing. I want to the all right things but I lack all the required skill sets. But anyways, I had a dream last night where I ran into almost all the people that I lowkey admire and want to be close with, but I just have a generic hello-hi relationship which is also lowkey really awkward. Awkward in a sense, where if I were in with them alone, conversations wouldn't be organic. Maybe it's my fault because I can't pick the right words to portray my thoughts properly, or I've shown my incompetence in some way. Anyways like the whole dream I was just held back by the littles things, which eventually ruined several opportunities to fix my relationships with those people. I don't even know wtf I'm doing with myself. I am wasting my life & I feel like shit because my parents went through so much that I want them to spend rest of their life in peace. I make dumb decisions which leading me to lose my most valuable trait that I got from my mom. The feeling of empathy. I don't know what is the main reason for. The fact that my dopamine receptors are fucked up, or is it because I spend time with people which is essentially a waste of time doing absolutely nothing. I don't know if this is depression or not but I have this feeling of emptiness which my soul is telling me to fix up. I just don't know how. Should I go find myself a girl, Should I find friends that share similar goals, should I get rid of any distraction in my life ? I feel like these are some good things for a "happy life" but they aren't a sustainable solution for my problem. I'm becoming egoistic to point where I try to talk more than I listen, which is definitely something that I absolutely HATE about myself. I'm just don't want something really bad to happen before I get my shit straight. Idk if anything is going straight in my life. I'm thankful for all the resources and privileges that I have, but idk if I have anything positive going in my life. For the big part, I've shut my own doors to something that may have helped my growth. But at the end of the day, I can't expect any other human to give a shit about my growth besides my parents, who I'm ashamed to even face at this point. I'm such a fuck up. Like they have so many aspirations from me, even though they've been so supportive of me doing anything that I want. If I don't do something, they're going to feel like a bigger failure than me. I've already made them feel like that before. Like honestly even committing suicide isn't an option for me, bc that would be the biggest slap at their parenting, which they have done a good part in. I thought leaving Fresno would be a good option for me, but it's not much different. It's true that it's not the setting but rather person that needs to be changed. Anyways I'll just go. I don't even what the purpose of this blog is. Just shows that I need a lot of fixing to do.