#bc i need it in my blog for dopamine purposes :)

[banqanas]

Fanta and RMPG members's reaction to Keito's new drama 🙈

Source: RamFan Quest Episode 6

[hesitationmarx]

i didnt have my laptop for one week and coming back to this site is like. wow. i really scroll thru this vast array of nonsense accrued in the like 13 years i've had this blog. and i fuckn do it on purpose? bc occasionally a stranger will agree with me about whatever fucked up fictional character i'm gay for this season and that's ig almost as much social-feedback dopamine as i need but. damn.

[doyoueverwonderaboutit]

Usually I come here when my heart feels heavy about something that I can't do anything about, or bc of things that I shouldn't be doing. I want to the all right things but I lack all the required skill sets. But anyways, I had a dream last night where I ran into almost all the people that I lowkey admire and want to be close with, but I just have a generic hello-hi relationship which is also lowkey really awkward. Awkward in a sense, where if I were in with them alone, conversations wouldn't be organic. Maybe it's my fault because I can't pick the right words to portray my thoughts properly, or I've shown my incompetence in some way. Anyways like the whole dream I was just held back by the littles things, which eventually ruined several opportunities to fix my relationships with those people. I don't even know wtf I'm doing with myself. I am wasting my life & I feel like shit because my parents went through so much that I want them to spend rest of their life in peace. I make dumb decisions which leading me to lose my most valuable trait that I got from my mom. The feeling of empathy. I don't know what is the main reason for. The fact that my dopamine receptors are fucked up, or is it because I spend time with people which is essentially a waste of time doing absolutely nothing. I don't know if this is depression or not but I have this feeling of emptiness which my soul is telling me to fix up. I just don't know how. Should I go find myself a girl, Should I find friends that share similar goals, should I get rid of any distraction in my life ? I feel like these are some good things for a "happy life" but they aren't a sustainable solution for my problem. I'm becoming egoistic to point where I try to talk more than I listen, which is definitely something that I absolutely HATE about myself. I'm just don't want something really bad to happen before I get my shit straight. Idk if anything is going straight in my life. I'm thankful for all the resources and privileges that I have, but idk if I have anything positive going in my life. For the big part, I've shut my own doors to something that may have helped my growth. But at the end of the day, I can't expect any other human to give a shit about my growth besides my parents, who I'm ashamed to even face at this point. I'm such a fuck up. Like they have so many aspirations from me, even though they've been so supportive of me doing anything that I want. If I don't do something, they're going to feel like a bigger failure than me. I've already made them feel like that before. Like honestly even committing suicide isn't an option for me, bc that would be the biggest slap at their parenting, which they have done a good part in. I thought leaving Fresno would be a good option for me, but it's not much different. It's true that it's not the setting but rather person that needs to be changed. Anyways I'll just go. I don't even what the purpose of this blog is. Just shows that I need a lot of fixing to do.