alienateus

[alienateus]

"i thought i was a person. i had a life. and now i'm not so sure."

the drifting smoke from his cigarette slithers through the space separating them. tobacco tastes like nothing—everything tastes like nothing. daehyun holds the cigarette from his lips, elbow braced on the edge of the table. the scent of burnt ash is thick and gnawing down his throat. he hasn't slept in roughly an estimated 72 hours, resulting in his desire to feel some form of normalcy through revisiting vices to keep him grounded, and he doesn't break eye contact—there is no trace of weariness visible in his dark gaze. liddell is complicated—he calls her liddell, not alice. daehyun has not known her for long. three months. four. he lost count somewhere between the second and fourth week. he owns one of her earliest records; she carries a worn copy of hamlet everywhere. he never asked why. he's curious, yet he does not care enough to extend inquiries.

‘ what are you then, if you're not a person. ’ he says, tone flat in a way that cannot be easily discerned as either serious or mocking, specifically his forte in ambiguity. he raises an eyebrow, and his mouth quirks upward in a flat hint of thinly concealed amusement. the statement is a confession of sorts, an admission of misery and depression. it's heavy. he does not cope well with those. his former therapist could attest to this. or at least, potential counsel the woman might have offered if he had spent more than a week in her office before abruptly storming out. recalls the dismissal to attend subsequent sessions under a false commitment to self-improvement. he wishes he’d never sprung out of his grave. one step away from approaching the self-help section in the bookstore for spiritual enlightenment. he’s drawing lines through a technical drawing turned in by one of his students, noting feedback on the side—an absence of optimization efforts is evident—before placing the pen down onto his notebook, aligning even with the spine.

[alienateus]

₍ 🎞 ₎   annihilation  (2018)  rp  starters  ! featuring mature themes . some lines have been slightly adjusted for rp purposes .

some questions will ruin you if you are denied the answer long enough.

almost all of us self-destruct. in some way, in some part of our lives.

these aren't decisions, they're... impulses.

i thought i was a person. i had a life. and now i'm not so sure.

i love seeing the moon in daytime.

so weird you say that. i was about to make the exact same point.

you know he's listening right now, don't you?

okay. mistakes were made.

i keep looking for you, but you never seem to be around.

all work and no play. it’s not healthy.

i thought you were gone – gone forever.

i get really turned on when you patronize me. it's really hot.

you think i come out into the garden, pining, looking up at the sky?

are you kidding me? what do you think i do when you’re away?

i deserve a better explanation than… no explanation.

i remembered you. i remembered your face.

you probably feel dreadful. queasy. a nasty metal taste in the mouth.

so let’s cut the shit – i’m done answering questions. it’s your turn.

i can’t talk about that. you understand.

you still haven’t told me anything about what’s going on or what i’m doing here!

it's impressive to have escaped. to this point at least.

the chances are zero if i don’t even try.

it’s not simply a question of your motivation. there are processes to observe.

i was thinking we should bond or something. considering we’re travel buddies.

you get used to it. you have to accept it, because it’s there.

this is not something you do if your life is in perfect harmony.

i’m done sleeping for the night.

i’ll do it alone, if need be. you simply decide whether you’re coming with me.

you’re saying we get out by going deeper in?

my secret? is that not our secret?

none of this is possible. but it is what’s happening.

it doesn’t just hurt us, and kill us. it changes us.

it’s not exactly the first time i’ve been in your bed, or you in mine.

you know it’s not me you hate. it’s yourself.

you’re wrong. but you’re also not interested hearing in the truth.

i can’t survive these injuries. you know that.

it’s a terrible thought. to die frightened and in pain.

please. don’t ask me to do this.

i had to know what it was. what was waiting. i had to know.

it’s going to annihilate us. that’s what it is. that’s what’s waiting.

[alienateus]

CHARACTER THESIS Q AND A

to him: maybe your empathy’s just a comforting lie; have you ever thought of that? maybe you think you know how the other person feels, but you’re only feeling yourself; maybe you’re even worse than me. or maybe we’re all just guessing. maybe the only difference is that i don’t lie to myself about it — blindslight. to her: ‘ i’m fine.’ a moment of silence, followed by the unmistakable click of a phone hanging up. i end the conversation before it starts. about names, possessions, and everything i have never told anyone: i gave you a false name when we first met; it was comfortable. you called me by it for several weeks before i gave you my real name, out of principle alone — you already knew i was lying. you have the innate ability to weaponize anything, including knowledge; it’s why you’re so prone to destruction and self-destruction. sometimes, it hurts. most times, i am unaffected.

to angels: we need modified symbols of humanity to console us; it’s easier to speak of angels than a god. they’re less threatening, you see them in your image with wings and a halo. in 1985, cosmonaunts vladimir solevev and oleg atkov claimed to have seen angels while performing medical experiments in salyut 7 high above the earth. this isn't the first time i’ve heard of similar incidents happening in the vast emptiness. a former colleague claimed to have seen something lurking in the space shuttle, describing it as an encounter with an angel, describing it with vague description and a sense of awe. he was subsequently silenced and demoted to office work with contractors. unsurprisingly. in the official reports, i attributed it to fatigue.  question to death: i've never been particularly comforting to others regarding this. when asked about death, my response is factual. informative, at best. dismissive, at worst. it's part of nature's recycling system based on the conservation of matter, returning to our origins. no room for frivolous philosophies on the afterlife. ‘ death, scientifically, is the cessation of life processes. the body's energy transforms, not vanishes. ’ my response remains unchanged. questions to the body: do you want to be human? to the heart: i don’t quite feel human anymore.

tagged by: [me] tagging: @susponte, @emnesias, @crushsung, @wellfell, @flmed, @deatheless

[alienateus]

[alienateus]

aesthetics.

tastes: authentic homecooked meals, galchi fish, pheasants, traditional and distinct from the mainland, seafood and rice cakes, learning mom's recipes, citrus fruits. tangerines and mandarine oranges, bitter lingering, freeze-dried powders and bite-sized cubes, dull taste on his tongue, obligated and required in space, recycled wastes, korean street foods, fish cakes, dumplings, fried snacks, quick in between research and teachings, bar-food, hamburgers, greasy french fries, shot after shot, vodka spilling over the glass rims, cucumbers, lemons

smells: cheap cologne, sex, petrol, welding fumes, rust, hot metals, training stimulants, cooling fans in the summer heat, rum, ink from correcting pens, mechanical, chemical, candles, lemon, citrus notes, dying flowers, artificial, burning flesh

sights: typhoons, blood under fingernails, exoplanets, bruises, half-written math formulas on dry-erase boards, classic and familiar numbers, stars, a disorganized office, stacks of papers and books. broken pencils, mirrors, computer components, wires, open circuits, sunsets, fading pinks and purples

sounds: broken pottery hitting the floors, crackling noise followed by silence, radio transcripts, communication back and forth between the space center, thrusters, synthesized audios, familiar tunes, earthquakes, gasping, awakening from darkness, rambling speeches, easy lies on the tongue

sensations: scratches against the skin. disconnection. uncomfortable feeling of dried contacts. thermoreceptors. unadulted pleasures, quick releases. disassociation. stimulate, retesting. isolation. loneliness. internal processes. sand between toes.

outfits: space suits, redesigned, black t-shirts, plain jeans, helmets, khakis, gray turtlenecks, thin-framed glasses, hermes briefcases, monochrome sweaters, thin cardigans, gloves up to the elbows, dull, unceremoniously toned

body: sweaty skin, short stature, strong arms, dark eyes, sharp collarbones, unblinking eyes, round, full lips, bitten

other: analytical thinking, math formulas, kepler’s laws, thinking in light years, lithium hydroxide, defense systems, red-light districts, america, then seoul, remembering traditions applying theories to realities, flight, undiscovered mysteries, new civilizations, constant outings in-between academics, changing personality, changing appearance. unidentified, unrecognizable, instant gratification to forget, always aiming to forget

[alienateus]

“Cold and empty. I feel only too strongly the limits of my abilities…”

— Franz Kafka, from Diaries

[alienateus]

[alienateus]

inspired by solaris. exploration, new civilizations, human arrogance, foreignness and the ‘other’, identity crisis, isolation, memories, and the past, visions of reality, cosmic horrors

insight daehyun has all the memories and feelings and knowledge of the real one to a certain extent; there was once no disconnect between him, the formation, and the original. but now with the vague knowledge of what he is, there’s a hazy disconnection between those memories and his head. he is the second created version of kim daehyun. the original died. the first creation also died. in other words, he cannot actually be killed. if a person was to murder this ‘one’, another will simply return in its place, containing the memories of the death. birthed into life by guilt. an ugly system. he knows the people in 'his’ life, but at the same time, he does not know them at all. unable to recognize himself in mirrors or photographs. keeps all mirrors in his apartment covered.

present  left nasa and refused to undergo therapy. early retirement. his name will go down in history for this failed mission and the countless lives lost. currently teaches undergraduate-level mechanical engineering courses at kaist. an hour drive away from where he lives in seoul. research activities include: creation of future oriented machines, mechanisms, tribology, and designs of mechanical systems. occasionally volunteers and helps out at his father’s autoshop. never had the best relationship with the man.

abilities  unnaturally strong, with regeneration healing factors, hard to kill or injure. only two of the prenatural qualities he is aware of as of now. unbeknownst to him, he possesses multiple forms of mental manipulation.

[alienateus]

a fandomless, original character named kim daehyun

these are memories.

he can recall rich kimchi and tobacco from his childhood. he can recall the taste of it on his tongue and the stench rolling off his father’s cigarette pipes. grass stuck to the soles of his feet as he explored his neighborhood, too-hot summers, and sunburnt skin. 

they’re not his, but they are his. he opens up connections to learn and to observe. humans need purposes. he once existed to exist and was intimately connected with every piece of stellar remnants. pulsating, thriving among countless structures. hot-wired with no individual identity, becoming self-aware through the memories and emotions of these humans. he feels contained.

001. pinterest 002. dossier 003. playlist

inspired by themes of science fiction, primeval past, and cosmic horror. kai, she/her, black, CST, 21+. faceclaim, song kang.

001. selective, private, i'm bringing an old muse back from the dead. if u recognize me, no you don't. 002. very busy, i be teaching college and stuff. 003. she/her, black, call me kai. 004. he's a damn alien, don't let the vagueness of him as an unreliable narrator fool you. he is an ALIEN. don't tell him that though. 005. prob iconless idk.

basics. full name calls itself kim daehyun date of birth 12 january xx sexual orientation bisexual, biromantic gender cis male species unidentified occupations mechanical engineering assistant professor at seoul national university freelances for the korean military former aerospace engineer/astronaunt for nasa (retired) current location seoul, south korea previous locations cambridge, massachusetts; houston, texas; moscow, russia; cologne, germany; tsukba, japan linguistics korean, english, conversational chinese education mechanical engineering with an emphasis in aerospace specialization and a minor in physics at kaist. aerospace engineering and physics dual masters at mit (aeroastro) financial stability  well-off/wealthy, compensated by the US government for missions, profited from creations on missions, and a steady income mental. zodiac capricorn. year of the rabbit mbti intj enneagram type 5, the investigator temperament melancholic summary he lives in the world of theoretical possibilities. he values knowledge above all else. his mind is constantly working to generate new theories or to prove or disprove existing theories. he approaches problems and theories with enthusiasm and skepticism, ignoring existing rules and opinions and defining his own approach to the resolution. daehyun seeks patterns and logical explanations for anything that interests him. he is usually extremely bright and able to be objectively critical in his analysis. he loves new ideas and becomes very excited over abstractions and theories. occasionally, he might come across as dreamy or distant to others because he spends a lot of time in his head.

biography. ARCHIVED CLASS OF 20XX TO PIONEER THE FUTURE IN SPACE EXPLORATION, SCIENTIFIC DISCOVERY AND AERONAUTICS RESEARCH MISSION PRAEDIRUS STATIONED CLEAR LAKE, TEXAS POSITION AEROSPACE ENGINEER BADGE #0949301

leaves home to attend daewon prep school, where he would earn a perfect score on his CSATs, combined with extracurricular activities, and high grades pushed him towards the top of his class. loneliness. liked by most. incredibly studious, throws himself blindly into his academia. restless. suppression. free moments are filled with noraebang singing to ost ballads and sky gazing. accepted to KAIST and majors in mechanical engineering with an emphasis in aerospace specialization. earns a name for himself. interns under the world’s smartest individuals. somewhere between logical and emotional. IQ measured at 135.

completed the graduate program at MIT – america is fast-pace. everyone is moving around him. bar-hopping and programmed hookups. forgets their names. hangs music posters on his dormroom walls, in-between constellation maps of capricorn and orion. calls his mother twice a week. from then on, he undertakes an apprenticeship program at NASA before accepting a job offering. almost fails his first stress test. settled down. rejected three times for the astronaut program. fear. failure. sweaty hands, adrenaline rushes. applies again and is accepted.