#bc i know i'm obsessed with meta stuff

[skrunksthatwunk]

idk if i've discussed it before (i have certainly THOUGHT about it) but someone on my kuwa suffering ep 89 comp mentioned it and i just had to go off about it like. ok. sensui tells yusuke something along the lines of "you heard itsuki" when itsuki's inside the uraotoko, implying that not only can sensui hear those inside the uraotoko, but that he expects yusuke to be able to as well. which means that yusuke Almost Certainly Heard And Kind Of Ignored kuwabara's prolonged mental breakdown and wailing about how much he needs yusuke to live etc. which. guHHH i hate him yusuke you ass but also listen.

the only acknowledgement yusuke gives to this (if any) is when he says something like "sensui you're sooo fucking cooked this plan's going perfectly (my friends are going to get strong and kill you when i die)." he's trash talking to sensui, ignoring the others because, i think, he doesn't want to acknowledge what he's doing to them.

yusuke is explicitly recreating the experience he had with kuwabara's "death" at the hands of toguro, complete with the announcement of intent (and power) to kill, the inability to impede the threat in any way (barring a power-breakthrough), and the target in some way racing towards/volunteering for their death. yusuke learns through doing, and through tough love-style approaches. it's only effective if it hurts. watching kuwabara die like that was devastating to yusuke, but it sure as hell fucking worked. he beat toguro because of that maneuver. so even if he has to (re-)traumatize his friends in the process, this method will make his friends stronger, and he feels confident in that. but he never had to live with the consequences of kuwabara's death, not really. that's something hiei makes clear before they enter the cave as well, that there are no fake-outs ready to make him or anyone else stronger. the only deaths here will be real. the only power gained will come at a high, permanent cost. hiei's warning is an attempt to keep everyone alive, to keep yusuke from being stupid. and then yusuke decides to take that fatality into his own hands, but it's kind of his friends who would pay the price. he's going to make them live through the days, months, years without him, the actual permanency of loss (assuming they survive for that long), something he never experienced with kuwabara (a new facet of that traumatic scenario), AND he's escaping the emotional fallout of this choice through death. he doesn't have to see them mourn, won't get yelled at, won't watch them fail to move on. he's tapping out and choosing to believe they'll be fine.

but i think he feels guilty. just a little. i mean, yusuke couldn't even believe that people cared about him enough to want him alive in episode one. he's staked everything on his friends, which means he still kind of... doesn't value his own life, at least not compared to theirs. but he believes his friends love him and want him around, and we know that because he has to, or else he wouldn't make a plan that depends entirely on that love. he is actively leveraging the care he doesn't think he deserves, trying to hurt them in a way he is intimately familiar with (only worse), for.... what, exactly?

this is kind of my sticking point tbh. i don't think the answer is... super clear, but let's start with what it's not.

yusuke is not doing this because it is the most practical way to save all of humanity; that would be the mafukan, which he stopped. it could be a gamble to save all of his friends? the mafukan strategy would guarantee koenma's death/eternal imprisonment, whereas this strategy gambles all of humanity on the chance that his friends come out of the Easy Break Oven strong enough to avert the end of the world. if the sacrifice of even one friend is completely intolerable, perhaps he'd accept those slim odds and their steep consequences. yusuke tends to take risks like that, especially when he's got fight-induced tunnel vision. he doesn't think things through too much; his schemes are usually dependent on surprising his enemy enough to oneshot them. truthfully, i think this is the closest we'll get to an answer, and it's a more conventional one for this kind of story. but there is another layer i haven't been able to get from my mind.

i think yusuke is gifting each of his friends an honorable warrior's death.

so, in case it needs saying, yusuke, kuwabara, kurama, and hiei all (at least once, if not several times) exhibit a desire to die in combat in a way they deem noble to give their lives purpose (usually by self-sacrifice, but sometimes by another metric of honor, like hiei's duel with shigure and his desire to die in mutual defeat against an evenly matched opponent; or even kurama's decision to fight shigure in his human form, displaying a sort of passive suicidality via placing being true to himself in this (somewhat symbolic/inconsequential) way over survival). they need to make their lives count for something, because they feel guilty for being alive (kurama and hiei feel guilty for their past actions (hiei's is most evident in his distance from yukina, though that's not its primary reason), hiei, kuwabara, and yusuke have all been ostracized and made to feel like burdens on/unwanted by their caregivers and general society; all four of them have felt profound isolation even from their loved ones (yusuke and hiei are rather obvious; kurama can never tell his mother about the majority of his life nor what she truly means to him in the context of it; and kuwabara is separated from his peers for his spiritual awareness and his "stupidity" (plus his parents aren't around? and he is Desperate to define manhood/manliness through a broader pop cultural one which includes the warrior sacrifice thing bc he has no male role models BUT that's for another post) (i will admit kuwa's the most tenuous one here irt isolation)). they want to die for a cause so badly it's actually physically painful to me. it is passive suicidality, and they define their lives and identities by their relation to, engagement with, and skill at doing violence, etc. they live to die by the sword. anyway. nobody talks about it but i think it's very important to understanding what yusuke's doing here.

because i think he knows that about himself and his friends. they're kindred spirits. at the very least he knows this about kuwabara, who literally made a speech about this before diving into toguro's fingers In The Event That He Is Recreating Explicitly. he is dying nobly like they all want to on the chance that they'll get to break out and fight sensui rather than dying without even getting to take a swing. it's about his pride and theirs. but i don't think yusuke necessarily believes they'll win. he knows better than anyone how strong sensui is, and how wide the gap is between sensui and team urameshi. his stated position that humanity is doomed and that he doesn't care about its fate is, i think, not completely genuine, but if we take it at face value, he's not killing himself so that his friends can survive the end of the world. something's going to come around and kill them eventually. he's doing it so they can survive long enough to fight sensui. he needs them (specifically kuwabara) to be strong enough to free themselves to begin round two. but he's given up on their side winning, on humanity surviving, on his own victory---why should he think his friends are capable of winning? this could be another case of yusuke's fight-blinders. it could be another gamble, more blind faith put in his friends. but honestly it reads more to me that yusuke's giving them a chance to die together on the battlefield. them winning would be great, but it's not his goal. it's a pipe dream.

he knows he's going to be killed. they're probably going to be killed, too. but to make it so they last a little longer against sensui, to make the odds a little more even, so they are killed not like livestock, but like worthy fighters, he'd die a little faster. it's the best kind of death someone like them can have; and he'll deprive himself of it just to make their ends a little sweeter. even if the road to that is far more bitter.

but it's not like yusuke's friends know what he's thinking or agree to it, and he can't exactly make his case for it in the moment. he's making that choice for them. whatever his intentions, whatever odds he thinks they have of beating sensui, he's kind of sealing all of their fates. so how the hell is he supposed to acknowledge kuwabara screaming at him not to die, trying desperately to express what yusuke means to him in what could be their final moments together? this plan is going to hurt his friends terribly. it is already doing so, and he can hear it. his choices to stop koenma from using the mafukan and to die for his friends' strength are both selfish in some way, no matter how you read the scene. if yusuke comforts kuwabara, he might not get strong enough. if he twists the knife, well... how could he forgive himself? and either way by responding he would have to face them all and say yes, i'm doing this regardless of your feelings (with the intention of hurting you). so i think he does what he often does. he avoids it. he lets that emotion glance off him and his bravado and his one-liners so he doesn't have to deal with the fact that he's hurting people, that he's scared and guilty and unsure of himself. that he's about to die again, about to put kuwabara through the grief he saw at his wake again, only worse; about to put his quieter friends through something similar.

yusuke is confronted with the responsibility one has to the people who care for them, and he runs from it in an attempt to give them some small peace. just like when he died before and thought hey, at least my mom and keiko won't be burdened by me anymore. because the only thing he can really do for them is die.

[paigemathews]

Who did you think would win in a battle?

Wyatt Halliwell or Hope Mikaelson?

Definitely Wyatt Halliwell! Mostly because I haven't actually watched a single episode of any of the Vampire Diaries shows yet, so I have no idea who Hope is. (The main character in Legacies, I think?) (Don't worry, it's on my to watch list, my watch list is just really long atm.) I will say though that Wyatt is gonna be my answer for most situations. (Also thanks for the chance to do a little meta about Wyatt and his powers.)

From an objective standpoint in regards to powers, Wyatt wins against pretty much anything. I've said before and I'll say it again, I believe that Wyatt managed to break the Grand Design in the unchanged future with the exposure of magic, and I think that means he was able to kill some beings that he should not have traditionally been able to, aka the Cleaners and maybe even the Angel(s) of Destiny. (Which also loops into one of my now favorite headcanons that prophecies are made as a warning that a witch capable of breaking the Grand Design is coming.)

The catch, and how I'm able to write Wyatt in literally any conflict in my next gen fics, is that he has a critical weakness: he is terrified at the possibility of what he's capable of. (I have also mentioned that interpretation before, in connection with how Billie unintentionally makes it worse.) That kind of power is a lot for one person to handle, and Wyatt outclasses quite literally everyone around him by a large margin. I think that in a sense, his own fear serves as a kind of limiter on his power because he won't use them to the fullest extent. This is partially because he doesn't fully know what he's capable of because he doesn't experiment with his powers or push boundaries the same way that Chris does. While Wyatt has that kind of power, he lacks a greater amount of control and precision because he doesn't practice.

In a situation where Wyatt does go full-out, however, I think that he wins, no question. It's incredibly rare for him to do so, but one of his primary powers (projection) is a version of reality warping, y'know? That's not even getting into the fact that he has energy waves that can flat-out incinerate enemies without even trying. The challenge is getting him to a place where he doesn't hold back.

[couldeatthatgirlforlunch]

YAY I can bother you again! \:D/ /jk

Anyways I consider asking my favorite writers stuff as my therapy, so here I go. (Sorry if this is sudden or traumatizing)

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I feel so bad for saying this but I'm most attracted to any batfam member (adult obvi) when they are at their worst, Bruce and his pathetic angsty ass literally all the time? Let's make a Robin.

Angry Dick with a cheerful facade trying to just be Bruce's equal? Bra is unclipped.

Post pit Jason so angry and mercilless feeling betrayed (any iteration but mostly Arkahm knight) and vengful? Baby I'm yours.

Fanon Tim who is sleep deprived and stalkerish? I'll strip in front of any security camara in Gotham.

Stephanie feeling she needs to prove herself? Please let me top you.

Insecure about his powers Duke? Sudenly I'm a physical meta expert, please show me those abs.

Cassandra thinking she is only capable of damaging? Honey put your hands on me, I assure you it will be anything but unpleasant.

Damian after "accidentally" killing Dick? Hello my name is beloved!

Don't feel bad about it!! I'm just the same and there's nothing wrong with us!!!!!!!!!!

I mean, pathetic wet cats who would just curl in my lap and rant or cry while I indulge them and they become dependent on me and only me??

Battinson is my favorite Batman from the movies bc hello???? I mean I get it why people liked Bale but like???? A guy who's been traumatized for 20 years and got to the point of making an armour to fight against criminals unrelated to the ones that took his parents bc he got so sad that he reflected enough that he came to the conclusion that no one should ever feel like he did, and he would use his entire life to stop crime because people deserved better, even the worst criminals shouldn't die bc they can change or other people might be miserable if they miss him?? And he's ready to die for that!! He doesn't care!! And then he becomes a parent but he sucks at parenting bc he loves them but he never learned how to love?? BABY I CAN TEACH YOU

Jason at under the red hood or as Arkham Knight??? YOU CAN KEEP KILLING PEOPLE IF THAT'LL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER BABE, especially if you keep me around bc we dated before you died/got tortured for months/years, kidnap me, love me, make me yours, I don't think killing your pops is gonna help you feel better, but no nagging will come from me I SWEAR

Fanom Tim being so neglected by his parents that he doesn't think his physical and psychological suffering is important, the fact that he obsessed over his childhood heroes, putting himself in danger, practically deciding that he was going to help them, not bc "I wanna be a hero and I can so I should be" but bc "I don't have much to lose, we all need you, and I want to help you, bc you're all I have!!!" and caring so much that he tries to clone his bff when he dies, and almost dies just to bring his dad and hero back, bc he cares about others more than he cares about himself??? Baby I'm right here!!!!

ANY Damian angst, Damian sad over Dick, over Bruce, over Talia, all while pretending he's just angry, I love him!! Damian that just wants to make them proud!! Damian that wants to be good!! To be on their level!! To be powerful!! To be good enough!! I love love love him!!! I'm with you no matter if you're a hero, a villain, or an antihero!! Damian Wayne, you will always be famous.

Dick swallowing his traumas, his emotions, breaking down at any opportunity, feeling responsible for everyone and destroying himself bc of it!! His relationship with Bruce never being quite the same after he became Nightwing, but they still know, deep inside, that they would come running if the other asked for help, but they never do. And Dick sometimes doesn't even know if Bruce sees him as his son!! And he's sad bc of it, but he can't show it bc how do you tell someone that?!?!?!

Steph thinking she's never gonna be enough, that she needs to prove herself, when this feeling never goes away, bc it's more about you than others? YES YES YES

Cassie!! Don't feel guilty about your past babygirl!!! It wasn't your fault!! You're just a victim!! They even took your voice from you!! Come spoon me and you'll feel better!!!

You're perfect Duke!! You're amazing and cool and handsome and there's nothing wrong with you!! You have the most awsesome powers ever!! Now come here let me look into those brown eyes and lets make out.

Seeing characters that are just so unreal but we can relato to, watch them suffer, feel joy in it!! I'm just like you and you're just like me! Be mine!!

This is about DC, but I'm an invincible, the boys and Marvel fan too. I'm drooling seeing Invincible and Rex Splode at their most toxic or weak moments! I love seeing homelander, soldier boy and the deep being so pathetic that they HAVE TO make it everyone's problem!! On my Winter Soldier brain rot I was constantly going over and over again on the same scenes watching this man be sad and miserable and covered in blood and not having autonomy of his own body and being alone!! Of course I got sad, but we can be sad together!!

Anyway, I love receiving fun and easy asks like that (I'm unreasonably happy that you called me one of your favs), I closed the asks bc I was just feeling I little overwhelmed with anxiety, college, future and the amount of requests I was receiving even if I knew I didn't have to write every fanfic idea people sent me and can just write what inspires me in the moment, be it something people asked, or some inspiration that came for me from another place

[wetcatspellcaster]

Metapost: "The Ascendent"

**this is a meta for my fic, Pieces Still Stuck in Your Teeth, and NOT a discussion of the BG3 game canon in any way. If you try and make this into a disk-horse, I will BITE you**

(spoilers under the cut for Chapters 1-23 of Pieces Still Stuck in Your Teeth).

So... remember in the Chapter One endnote when I said I was a Spike/Buffy fan first, and a person second? x

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In more seriousness, there was a number of fictional seasonings/ingredients that went into creating what I felt was the villain of a Gothic horror, and what I felt could turn the Ascendent into something that was both 'fixable', and something I enjoyed writing.

Those ingredients were:

Spike and the idea of 'soulless' vampires in the BtVS canon - do I like this conceit of BtVS worldbuilding and how it's used in the show? No. I think it often underlines how bad Whedon is at writing romance. BUT I do think it gives Buffy this free pass for which vampires she can/can't like or adopt, and I needed some of that for my protagonist. I need a 'I can fix him' moment - BtVS has those in fucking SPADES.

Howl's Moving Castle (this one was accidental, I'm still mad at myself but I can't deny it's there) - man conducts magic ritual for power, removing an essential part of himself in the process that needs to be returned

Picture of Dorian Gray (the idea of an exterior staying pristine while something hidden suffers and decays)

Curse of Strahd (the soulless in Barovia, which I mentioned in Chapter 23)

The idea of default moral alignments in D&D. I have a whole chapter arguing against this in my thesis (mostly bc it's often applied to entire races) but I was fascinated by creating a set of circumstances where I feel like a default moral alignment is valid, actually. 7,000 deaths seems like a good set up. I wanted to imagine a being that was trapped within a default moral alignment, and the laws of its very being prevent it from being good no matter what it tries, and it knows that (this kind of creates a feedback loop with the Spike/Buffy stuff)

The parts of the BG3 canon I took and REMADE (I'm stressing this throughout, I was making a horror story and a horror monster your honour):

Astarion conducts the Rite of Profane Ascension with scars on his back, but has to scar Cazador's back personally, suggesting that um... the Rite REALLY SHOULDN'T BE CONDUCTED BY SOMEONE WHO'S GOT THOSE SCARS. Cazador wasn't going to do it that way, is all I'm saying!!

The idea that Ascended!Ending Astarion is a concentrated version of certain traits that have persisted throughout his story - his flirtiness, his understanding of sex as a mechanism and expression of power, his use of a façade as a mask for trauma he refuses to acknowledge.

The lines alluding to dissociation in the brothel foursome, post-Ascension.

The idea that Astarion seduced Tav to survive or protect himself- in my case, because I made the Ascendent empty save for Astarion's survival instinct, the idea that he would gravitate towards Tav as one of his default modes to potentially survive made sense to me - this is why it becomes an obsession.

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For me, when writing, the Ascendent is a few things:

An intensification of vampirism in a different, fucked-up direction. Yeah, A!Astarion, you can walk in sunlight and you can eat and drink and don't need blood. But you are still a hungering maw of emptiness that feels like it will never be whole or close and connected to the living - just now in a wildly different, metaphysical/existential direction! Welcome to depression, alienation, and otherness!

A soulless being, that knows it is soulless - that initially was very happy with its life but then as the years passed, increasingly spends its every waking moment knowing there is something innately wrong with it that it can't seem to shake, no matter how much it engages with life and all the pleasures of life. (see the 'every meal without savour' speech)

A magically literal metaphor for Astarion's dissociation in moments of extreme trauma, up to and including the fight with Cazador - essentially, the moments when there is nothing but a performance or an exterior, because the self/soul are suffering and they cant' come to phone right now

Astarion's survival instinct. As I say in Chapter 23 - Mephistopheles thinks it is an empty body, who's performance is trying to deny the reality of it's own existence. Rosalie, who has a bit more understanding of Astarion, sees that the performance is not just a coping mechanism but one of Astarion's main modes of survival. The Ascendent is Astarion's survival instinct/techniques for endurance, without any soul or person behind them to protect. This is how I tried to tie in the flirty, hypersexual persona and wrap it with a bow.

I wanted a monster that was undeniably scary, and monstrous to me (oh? you can't fit in or be happy no matter what you do and no matter how hard you try, and you think there's something intrinsically off? how's that autism diagnosis going Emma) but that I also felt sympathy and true sorrow for. I needed to have motivations for him chasing after Tav that I could write meaningfully from and sympathise with.

Not only has Astarion used Tav as a life-raft once before, they've also proven to be the most secure thing he's ever clung to. Of course a rabid survival instinct Astarion would become obsessed, and see them as a potential solution to the problem (this was then intensified by Rosalie also being a walking, overbearing moral compass, and having bound him in a contract in the first week of living, accidentally - a lawful good immoveable objects meets a default moral alignment unstoppable force.)

...Because I also wanted that moral alignment spice!! Wizards of the Coast, default moral alignment is fucked up actually!!! Imagine something trying so desperately to be good - literally being bound in a pact and having been told to be good - but the laws of the universe and its very essence are like "nah mate, we kind of want to destroy and annihilate everything, we're neutral evil personified". That's scary!! that's fucked up!! that's what a birth from 7000 deaths gets you!!!

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So, now for the actual timeline, for people who aren't interested in my silly musings but mostly just want answers lmfao.

Rosalie makes the decision not to intervene in Cazador's mansion, making it seem like she'll support whatever decision Astarion will make there.

Rite of Profane Ascension happens. Astarion conducts the ritual, rips his own soul from his body, the Ascendent is born with literally zero context. Mephistopheles is fucked in Cania, because a bunch of stuff has just gone wrong.

(oh, by the way, the Ascendent knows Infernal as a default language. Bc it's born from an Infernal rite.)

The Ascendent is now default neutral evil, and feeling some kind of way. Rosalie and him break up. He's supposed to have everything, but the one thing he thought was a done deal - his most stalwart suppporter - just rejected him.

Netherbrain defeat (the Ascendent is not invited. Imagine being an all-powerful, hypersexual survival instinct vampire, and your ex-girlfriend neither wants you for sex, nor your power.)

Rosalie accidentally binds the Ascendent (a soulless devil) in a pact demanding that he never kill anyone, when that's literally what the Ascendent's new existence/new default moral alignment is driving him to do. Then, she fucks off and goes into hiding.

Well. The Ascendent can just get another wizard, to help him learn all of Cazador's secrets to cope [Hemlock is recruited].

The years go by! The Ascendent is doing sooooo well. Everything is great, guys! I'm rich, I'm beautiful, I have lavish parties and lots of sex - why do I feel nothing? I'm a vampire perfected - I have no hunger for blood, I can walk in the sun, I can enjoy all the freedoms of a living, breathing man - why do I feel like I'm starving? Why does everything turn to ashes in my mouth? I have friends - oops, I've sabotaged all those friendships with my innate neutral evil destruction. Why can't I feel anything? What's wrong with me? I'm doing everything right? Why doesn't it feel that way?

Also, I can't kill anything to feel better about it, because my hidden ex-girlfriend bound me in a pact.

In this time, to reflect the gradual degradation of the Ascendent's happiness and it's increasing awareness that it is something Other and innately wrong, the reflection starts going weird. Starts going strange. Starts getting a bit fucked up. Almost as if, when he looks in the mirror and sees a person, *nothing* should be what's there. Imagine being a spawn who couldn't see your reflection, and then a vampire who could see it's reflection, but knows that they're innately empty. Knows there's nothing there. I'd freak out a little bit about it as well tbh, I'd go a bit tooth and claw and elongated jaw about it.

The Ascendent finally admits that's there must be something kinda fucked about it. Life just ain't working out, lads. He starts looking for any and all impossible cures that will help with the malaise in his soul (and that innate essence problem, caused by default moral alignment). These include: more bad decisions, such as a house in Cania bc the Ascendent is hoping he'll feel more at home with devils than he does with mortals. All it does is make him feel more isolated and alone.

But eventually, he settles on two things! - Wish (Hemlock's idea), and Rosalie (the Ascendent's idea). Clearly, we just need Rosalie back! Her leaving is actually what fucked him up in the first place - none of this existential bullshit! She fixed us one, she can fix us again.

But looking for Rosalie hasn't worked out. In order to get a shot at her, the Ascendent goes and bargains for his own soul from Mephistopheles. Mephistopheles, adding a new sheet in excel titled 'what the fuck happens when i give this soulless monster a soul to play with?', agrees and starts tracking his new data.

Obviously, just putting the soul back in yourself will fix you. But the Ascendent, the nothingness living inside Astarion's body, will die. Taking the soul back would erase itself. The Ascendent - who is survival instinct personified - would never do this.

So instead, it starts interviewing and cannibalising the soul. Bc a soul is what it needs, this is the closest it's ever felt to being alive. Bc it's made this all about Rosalie, he thinks he's found his solution. The chase is making him feel alive again. It's true love, lads! not the soul.

Wish auction happens - the Ascendent is beaten to the punch by some unknown (hot) wizard.

This avenue cut off, the Ascendent makes the decision to try and win Rosalie back.

Astarion advises that to make her come back to the Gate, he should murder a bunch of people. Because this comes from the soul, not the soulless devil nothingness, it circumvents the pact.

...The events of Pieces begin!

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And finally - the Ascendent tries to destroy Jar!Starion for many reasons in Chapter 19:

The Ascendent knows that it dies, if the soul and the body get reunited (or is that constant high alert survival instinct just no longer needed, because the problem is fixed? you decide.)

The Ascendent values Tav above itself. Tav is going to fix them. Astarion believes he could never fix himself.

Dissociation - that soul isn't me. I'm here, looking at my soul. If I get too close, it'll kill me.

Self-hatred - that soul isn't me. That man made a mistake, and I've had to live with the consequences. He doesn't deserve to live, for what he's made me become.

The knowledge that Rosalie/Tav will only ever want that version of him, not the one that's living and breathing, that sees itself as the most wretched, fucked-up version of itself. So... give them no choice. They have to deal with me and love me at my worst.

And if the Rite didn't work - if the version of the Ascendent walking around isn't the best one, and the one people want... what was it all for? Why does the Ascendent feel like this? Why does it have to suffer?

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....And, that's my little meta post! If anyone has any questions about the timeline or any motivations at any points in the fic, I'm obviously more than happy to explain things via ask/comment, as always!

TLDR: I just wanted to make a Gothic horror. I wanted a dark romance, fucked up obsession vampire/mortal dynamic, but I also wanted a situation that was scary for both Astarion and my Tav. I personally think an Astarion who is so dissociated and separate from reality that he feels that in his bones daily, is scary. It's the lingering impact of the traumas the Rite and those 7,000 souls embodied.

I was literally just trying to make it a horror, for everyone involved.

[bunnakit]

my stand in ep 2 thoughts, feelings, etc.

alright i wanted to write this up nicely but it took me... two hours to get through the episode bc i kept stopping to write notes, so i'll do my best i guess.

weird thing about me is when i watch shows and write notes for these posts i always write the notes on napkins? i have like 5 different notebooks in arms reach at all times but i really like scribbling on a napkin for the true unhinged effect.

anyway blah blah reminder i'm just a silly dude on the internet, idk shit about dick, i just like to say shit, don't take me too seriously.

also please DO NOT leave novel spoilers in my reblogs, tags, or replies without some kind of warning label. please? it seems to happen with every show i write meta for and i LOVE that people get hyped but there's no way for me to avoid it when it's in my notifications like that.

some before the actual episode stuff; after learning last week that some of the kinnporsche people worked on this it really becomes apparent, especially in the style of the intro.

the music choices also seem a bit reminiscent of kinnporsche (and a little bit of not me) which i really enjoy. it feels kind of familiar and comforting.

immediately i loved how soft this episode started, the slight stubble on each of them, the way joe speaks so softly as if afraid to shatter their little bubble of peace, etc. i also love that the show doesn't skirt around the topic of sex and the fact that sometimes sex is awkward and clumsy, especially with a new partner and doubly so when it's your first queer partner.

and then the peace was shattered with ming kissing his back yet again. ouchies.

"will tong be at the set?" he's just not even trying to hide it. he basically said 'yeah ur great and all but tong????' but DAMN if poom isn't the absolute king of microexpressions.

at this point i can't really tell if tong is being a spoiled prince (derogatory) or if he's tired of acting in general? judgement withheld until a later date.

and then we jump into this actress being a parallel to ming and OOF OUCHIES MY ORGANS. she's a fan of tong but has to "settle" for joe - just like ming. and yet joe takes the time to be kind, to soothe her worries and put her at ease, because he has a heart of absolute gold. "it's her first movie but she was left to drown by the male lead." it's ming's first love and he has been left to drown in it.

mek's acting is really endearing. this is my first exposure to him (ive seen some of his social media and really like what he stands for as a person) and i'm instantly drawn to his performance. he also pulls off a great balance of adorable/sexy.

OOH THE SHOW SAID BISEXUAL OUT LOUD. A WIN FOR THE BI'S WE LOVE TO SEE IT.

i personally find ming's jealously hilarious. what a little caricature of toxicity.

anyway, it seems to me that if ming could get over his feelings and enjoy what he has in front of him he could be part of and enjoy a very sweet family, as it does seem tong IS giving him love, just not the exact flavor he craves.

the cut to joe's training made me laugh. little oat lore dump but my bio dad was actually a stunt man for movies (which is another part of why i was so excited for this show) and i can promise you nothing like this was part of it. what do i know, though, maybe things have changed since the early 2000s lol.

(no, they're probably not any movies you know, aside from maybe wild wild west [1999]. he mostly did westerns, historical docudramas, and historical fiction.)

ANYWAY AGAIN. with this little glimpse into ming's home life we get to see that he's very accustomed to doing what he wants and getting what he wants, which makes a lot of sense when applied to his almost obsessive behavior regarding tong - and now joe. i did absolutely LOVE linin and her sassy independence (minus the 'i can buy anything i need'.)

but... girl... did you just spray perfume in your mouth?

your actions are strange and unsettling. i like that in a woman.

ugh getting into ming venting his frustrations on joe's body. listen. liiiisten. while toxic without prior discussion... i'm into it. it may or may not be one of my favorite tropes in fanfic. toxic and unhealthy as fuck and i'm here for it.

AND THEN DAMN POOM THOSE NOISES. ACTING FOR YOUR LIFE BBY -- and the SNEEZE AT ORGASM LMAAAO oh i hope that's a running bit for some comedic relief.

because we then make a SHARP pivot into "then stop me" and there's so much potential for pain and self loathing there, for joe to think "i can't blame ming, i didn't stop any of it." i'm sat.

a little side bar, but i'm enjoying the fact that while there is discussion of topping and bottoming as a narrative device there really aren't any stereotypes here. i think on a surface level people would think "oh joe is the top" (pit babe style) and the show said no actually he isn't. love that for us.

"you can even move in haha jk" but the thing is, not jk, because joe would do that for ming - for anyone - bc that's the type of person he is.

[i had to stop and have a lil snack here]

hold up is this wut out drinking with them? OH SHIT IT IS. OKAY. it didn't give us much but at least it's a little connection to him finally. we knew joe knew him from his first life, just didn't really know how.

"i missed you" and when was the last time someone missed joe? not who he's replacing or the space he's filling, but HIM?

love ming's goofy ass locking the door and going inside just so he can make a dramatic ass appearance like he's 'the other woman' or some shit LMAO.

"what's in you to make me jealous?" quite possibly the worst dialogue tree choice ming could've picked.

[joe's emotional well being -45]

[everyone hated that]

"don't be so full of yourself" something joe has never been a day in his life. "you're just a stand-in." he knows. it's not something he ever forgets.

but after all that toxicity we have ming back home, seeking out joe's food for comfort, and we finally get to see him interact with his sister. i LOVE that she knows the importance of being a little silly as a treat, one of my biggest life mottos. we also get to see more of how ming is surrounded by love that he misses out on bc of his own wallowing and self sabotage.

oh, the homoeroticism of sparring with your bestie.

[everyone liked that]

oop- joe is wearing the shirt ming borrowed while sol is wearing a shirt with the word 'fantasy.' i'm good, i'm fine, gwenchana, gwenchana.

ough. sol with too many eyes on him and none of them sincere and joe with nothing but sincerity to offer but remains invisible. oof ouch.

enter ming with more religious imagery to match last week's cross scene. something something the sin of greed? confessing your sins? coveting - idk man, i don't have any religious trauma, my family let me just do my own thing.

but with ming knowing joe's true feeling every toxic thing he does is going to be 1000x more painful and i'm here for it. bring it you fucked up little guy.

"we can't mess with each other's privacy" don't mess with MY privacy. "you can't mess around with anyone else" emphasis on YOU, not we.

and then it's driven home what a romantic joe is, both with his workout heartbreak poetry and this little lady and the tramp noodle moment. this man, again much like pit babe, wants to be domesticated so bad.

and i know we all have hated on ming, that's the point, he's been a caricature of a toxic relationship spelled out in neon letters --

but when was the last time ming laughed with someone like this?

ok im exhausted, i'm falling into bed to read fanfic, but i'm absolutely in love with everything this is doing so far. i haven't written anything as in depth as this since last twilight (pre-betrayal) so it's really nice to feel insane again.

[kalisseo]

clone high season 2 episode 8

this post has been the hardest to make for me, I've made three drafts that were so messy that I'm just making a fourth one but I really wanted to talk about this

I've been meaning for months to make this post I just didn't bc idk I'm #lazy but I'm finally writing it

so yeah, this fucking episode ohmygobbbruhhhhh

// cw for sa , grooming and mentions of sex (basically everything that involves talking about this episode)

i want to start with saying that I'm not against any form of art using heavy topics like sa, not everything needs to be easy to consume, but everything needs to be treated with all due respect, something that clone high didn't

my general opinion is that this episode shouldn't exist in the first place, I can think of a few ways that it can be replaced with another plot/themes/ideas and still work out. and the fact that it was watered down a lot too, and they deleted another weird plot it's just. UGHHH, scary to think that even watered down it's so bad, the storyboards are so much worse

we all know the original show and love it, but it had many inappropriate weird jokes about the clones, and the reboot is supposed to be the modern and respectful (woke, if you will) clone high, so why make something so much worse than those jokes?

saying this about the reboot because I think it's pretty obvious that's kinda the intention, the meta comments in the sleepover ep and random stuff in the show, like the sea-men song in the same fucking episode, but whatever this is just my very personal view so idk

well it's easy just because they hate abe with a burning passion

overall, i feel like the reboot was way more explicit with the sex jokes (joan's dream about abe, the abe anxiety scene where joan and jfk are just doing it but with clothes THE EYE SEX SCENE IN SEASON 3) which is just unnecessary

"oh but teenagers have sex haha!! those are just jokes!!" jokes that are not even FUNNY, and just uncomfortable and totally unnecessary

and the blackmailing plot is just another example of this, the worst one, because this involves a heavy and delicate topic like sa

like I said, I'm not against media talking about these topics, but clone high simply shouldn't talk about it

it's a COMEDY, a PARODY, and even though these genres can deal with these topics, it's only if it's WELL EXECUTED, and with all due respect, something that clone high didn't. Also clone high never got too serious or deep about this kind of stuff, so again, it's just another uncomfortable unnecessary thing

I'd say that it's just a joke, but it doesn't even feel like it, it doesn't even feel like it's supposed to be funny (maybe one of the many failed attempts of this show at being funny) it feels like the clone high writers just think they put abe in an awkward situation, when in reality it was a traumatic event, it wasn't treated with respect, and more like something bad but not traumatic that happened to abe, saying this because it wasn't even acknowledged, just like two times, and again it felt that way

overall the whole episode is weird and sucksass (i guesss kahlopatra is the only normal thing), completely unnecessary and could've been easily replaced with other stuff

want joanfk to get back together? ok but why with sex? why is their whole chemistry just sexual chemistry? Why not make a valentine day episode instead? scudworth can make potions or serums or whatever those liquids were, why not make a love potion so they fall in love again? why not just , you knowww try to make them get back with NO sex involved

and why is abe obsessed with his virginity?

want topher to get in the way of joanabe? ok but why like that? the blackmailing plot could've even been funny if only the material was different. why not Topher took an ugly photo of abe instead? or why can't he just be there and ruin the moment for joan and abe? the whole virginity thing and convincing him to have sex with the teacher it's just unnecessary

and I get it, Topher's a freak and an asshole, and many people say this is ooc, but if it's ooc or not it's rather irrelevant. to me, the important thing is that the idea could've been executed in a different and better way if they wanted to portray topher like an asshole

the writers just wanted something to get in the way of joanabe, and topher was the most viable option, and I like the idea of him just being there ruining everything but again, using sa was completely unnecessary and weird

might make another post about this, but I want to say first that when posting about canon, I've always imagined that topher did blackmail abe, but with something like an stupid ugly photo of him picking his nose

whatever, if you hate this episode bc it's weird you're totally right and if you hate topher for this I totally understand you

this version ended up being a mess too but I don't feel like making a fifth one ❤️ might make a pt 2 who knows feel free to add your own points in the comments or reblogs

[mikkaeus]

house md fic recs — short fics (<10k). hilson + rarepairs

Other house rec lists: long fics | episode tags | postcanon | infidelity trope (all of these are mutually exclusive apart from the infidelity one)

highly recommend not skipping out on the non-hilson fics!! scroll to the end for a list of some really great ones. No huddy though because I'm not the biggest fan.

house/wilson and gen fic

I decided to just lump the gen fic together with the slash because really most of them can be read as slash with a G rating. Before we get into the fics, here are some notable authors that have written several house fics. Not all their fics are going to be listed individually, but if I have the author there I've read all or a lot of their stuff and enjoyed it, so I recommend going through their backlog.

otter: Some really excellent prose and great atmosphere. A little soft, a little pensive. And they nail the characterisation and dialogue.

ignaz: im sure everyone has read ignaz's longfic (a modest proposal and its sequel — the one where house and wilson get married so wilson cant testify against house in the tritter arc) but absolutely check out all their other stuff — it's all quality.

bironic: I really enjoy the bit of edge in bironic's fics. It makes them so yummy.

bethfrish: What stands out about their fics is how they peer into all the pointy edges of Wilson and Julie's relationship, thus making them excellent and unique Wilson character studies. Great prose and dialogue that rivals the show's.

Transformatron: fics that are transcendent and porny, all featuring a d/s undertone or theme (wilson as the dom)

astolat: if u dont know astolat idk what to say to u. just go read their fics.

blackmare (livejournal / ao3 pseud 1 / ao3 pseud 2 / lj pseud third_owl for slash fics i think) Does really great short fics (mostly gen) that slot into episodes. Like meta but in fic form. All of them are worth a read. Some of their fics are on ao3 but a lot aren't (like nearly all the episodic ones).

Namaste (livejournal / ff.net): Some short fics, some much longer ones. Mostly gen focussing on H&W friendship, with some fics on canon pairings. Interesting character studies and exceptionally discerning prose that is a pleasure to read.

In order of length. *faves, ***underrated faves

***Touch by zulu (<1k) (2007) The number of ways House could embarrass him with touches, Wilson thinks, is practically endless.

Silent Sigh by thedeadparrot (<1k) (2009) Wilson, autumn, melancholy, and House. Second person.

Heartbeats by thedeadparrot (<1k) (2009) Three moments in which House and Wilson are almost kind of functional.

No Pain by bironic (<1k) (2008) House finds a permanent solution to his pain problem and convinces Wilson to give him what he needs. Vampire fic! Frottage! hell yeah.

Also check out the sequel: No Mercy by daasgrrl (3k)

***The Game of Wilson: Six Cards in a Five Card Game by paradisecity (1k) (2006) If you're going to play a game like moving in together, decide upon three things at the start: the rules of the game, the stakes, and the quitting time. Fun and snappy. Great dialogue.

*we're getting good at this by ad astra dean (1k) Wilson had a migraine. Established relationship. Soft and sweet and realistic esp after 8.19. fuck. Premium hurt/comfort.

**********three more stories by besselfcn (1k) The first time it happens is (New Orleans, 1991 | Albany, 2009 | Augusta, 2012) and they are (drunk | sober | out of time). This fic emotionally obliterated me. I’m obsessed with the format like it’s prose halfway to poetry, so creative and unique and well-executed??? I cried so much. I am UNWELL and immeasurably fucked up about them put me in my grave. (Yeah I said these lists were mutually exclusive but this fic is the exception bc idc)

The Awakening of Wils-Ankh-Amun, Royal Concubine by blackmare, Nightdog_barks, pwcorgigirl (1k) It was a rather unusual 'morning after.' This is hilarious. Reads like a classic prank episode. They're so dumb together I love them.

The One Where House Has Always Been a Woman by thedeadparrot (1k) (2009) Despite the hospital gossip, House is not, in fact, a man-hating lesbian. Genderswapped House but not Wilson.

Gray Morning by starlingthefool (1k) All he remembers is that the transition between a stupid joke and the meeting of mouths was almost seamless. Christmas fic that takes place one year after "Merry Little Christmas" (3.10).

Loser Day Blues by blackmare, Nightdog_Barks (1k) February fourteenth is just another day, and another evening in which Wilson winds up at House’s, although — this time — not for the usual reasons.

*indefinable by PaintedVanilla (1k) House can hear Wilson getting ready for bed; he can hear him brushing his teeth, undressing, being unusually quiet. Normally there’s a humming; a breathless energy that House won’t admit to loving about him. He doesn’t hear it tonight. It’s dead silent.

criteria by PaintedVanilla (2k) “I don’t think they know that we’re married.”

***We Live Together in a Photograph of Time by ignaz (2k) Wilson's hair curls when they're fucking. God I'm devastated. The ✨atmosphere✨. This is so in character. And can we talk about the banger title and summary??? I was gnawing my arm before I even opened the fic. Set in s4.

***Things To Do Before You Die by thedeadparrot (2k) In which Wilson turns thirty-eight and a half, thinks about kittens, and doesn't have a midlife crisis. But not necessarily in that order. Prank war with a twist. I’m so fond. Hits all the right cadences with the writing.

So Let Us Melt, and Make No Noise by ignaz (2k) (2007) "You kill patients all the time," House said. "You never stay at work until--" He peered at the clock. "--Four in the morning to make sure they're really dead."

***Curiosity by Namaste (2k) (2006) From Cameron's perspective. Fun character study of her and by extension House and the other two musketeers. Not shippy.

Welcomed Change by JammiesDodger (2k) A cute G-rated getting together fic.

Alone, Together by daasgrrl (2k) Finding new ways to be intimate.

*Keep Your Eyes Wide by deepimpact (2k) There is no specific amount of time passed, no big event, no one thing that Wilson can pin as the catalyst. Obsessed with this. Great atmosphere, excellent prose, and and everything feels authentic and in character. Set pre-season/s1.

***Carrion Eaters by ignaz House, in some indeterminate future or an alternate universe, from the perspective of a new hire. I really loved this story. It's sharp and sad, with great build up.

***Projection by bironic (2k) Remember Ali, that really pretty 17/18 year old clinic patient that was obsessed with House? This fic is Wilson's elaborate fantasy about fucking her, which is of course as much about House as it is her. Post 3.04.

***No Exchange of Payment by otter (2k) The gifts that House gives to Wilson. I adore this. It's about the little things. Otter has exceptional prose and always nails the characterisation, which makes their writing a real pleasure to read.

***All the Effects of Intoxication (3k) by otter This only happens when they're drunk. Just as yummy as that one-line description suggests. I love this a lot — the characterisation and dialogue are excellent and I think this scenario is very realistic for them.

Leave This Harbor for the Sea by otter (3k) House was never the kind of friend who'd help you move, even when he'd had two good legs, not to mention two good arms perfectly capable of lifting boxes. He'd always been the sort of friend who'd stop by while you were packing, make cutting remarks about the failures of your romantic relationships, and use all the half-filled boxes as an excuse to root through your things.

***the growing up, the falling down by riceonrye (3k for the series) Wilson is trying to buy a nice make-up present for his girlfriend, but there’s a guy in the shop with him brazenly shoplifting. Wilson, meet House. This is so good!!! I grinned like an idiot all the way through. It captures the throw-bottles-at-windows side of Wilson so well. A very cute AU of a different first meeting whilst still remaining true to the characters. Don't forget to read the sequel as well.

***never rains (but it pours) by Transformatron (3k) So... remember that episode where House can't pee? I present you some excellently written pisskink pwp. Nails the hilson dynamic, so even if piss isn't your thing, give it a go?

***Blind Spot by blackmare, Nightdog_Barks (3k) Wilson becomes blind after a head injury. genfic.

***Four Blocks South of Eden by bethfrish (3k) If you wanted paradise, you're a little off. I loved the tentative, slightly off-kilter feeling of this. Bang on characterisation, dialogue, and use of 2nd person POV (House). Set in s1 — Wilson's marriage is falling apart, and it leads to a night that could be the start of something new.

***Lie To Me by zulu (4k) It's terribly simple. No one ever dies, and everybody lives happily ever after. Exuberant ketamine summer House!!! Equal parts sexy and heartbreaking. Check out the sequel as well (1k).

Stumbling Towards Something Real by ignaz (4k) House and Wilson on holiday in Mexico. (A flagrant excuse for smut, basically.) I'm soft. In character and well-written.

Goes the Neighbourhood by Dee_Laundry (4k) One month into their permanent positions, the new fellows catch a case on the weekend and have to track House down.

***Easy by GoldStarGrl (4k) James Wilson is the easiest person in his dorm. At McGill. In all of eastern Canada, maybe. A fleshed-out version of their first meeting, as well as an insightful character study of Wilson. Slots nicely into canon, whether you believe in the "wilson has cheated on every wife with house" version or the "they fucked when they first met and never talked about it again" version. I really enjoyed this — they’re beautifully in character, and it's excellent writing.

***A Momentary Lapse of Reason by otter (5k) Wilson and Julie through House’s eyes, from the beginning to the end. Skips back and forth between the past and now. The quiet yearning!!! Also *standing on the table with a megaphone* have i mentioned how GORGEOUS otter's prose is??

*Blow the Candles Out by bethfrish (5k) Another year older, another year wiser, another divorce lurking just around the corner. So good!!! Wilson celebrates his birthday amongst the detritus of his marriage. The prose is really exceptional here. House's dialogue is also especially well done. It's a fun read that holds up well on a re-read.

***midnight rain by GoldStarGrl (5k) Wilson can't possibly know the pain. But he wants to. I am vibrating!!! Set precanon, in the aftermath of the infarction. Infidelity, spanking, hello??? Hot, vivid, excellent characterisation, excellent writing etc etc. A+ no notes.

***Through The Looking Glass (The Male Gaze Mashup) by zulu (5k) "If Wilson didn't know, great. What he didn't know couldn’t hurt him. If Wilson did know, it didn't matter, because if he hadn't berated House for it yet, then it was permission to continue." Interesting character study of Wilson and the way House slots into his life. Imaginative and fun descriptions. I did feel slightly lost at some points but it was still a great read. Excerpt: House tears open every envelope, even those addressed to Occupant, then brings back the well-read contents like a cat offering half-dead moles to its hunting-deficient human.

Empathy, Inc. by sassyjumper (5k) Cuddy hires a company that provides 'empathy training' to doctors. House reacts. Set in an earlier season.

***All's Fair In Love (and war) by Transformatron (6k) House and Wilson are enjoying the last day of their holiday when an urgent call comes through from Princeton-Plainsboro - a medical mystery that only House can solve. And he does intend to solve it, despite Wilson's best efforts to distract him. (Established relationship.) Wilson making House do a case whilst fucking him?? I'm an absolute sucker for this trope and I was delighted to find a fic with it.

A Towered Citadel by Namaste (7k) A differential diagnosis for Wilson’s serial cheating.

***And the Borders of Old Cities Get Redrawn by blackmare (7k) Continuation/canon divergence from 8.02 "Transplant". Ch1 is the most perfect episode tag I am vibrating . The way they fall back into their old rhythm!! House seeking out his touch like a cat and Wilson accepting it, even liking it!! The hints of pre-relationship are so delicious. (This is a rare slash fic from blackmare.) Ch2&3 are also absolutely brilliant!! Great characterisation, pacing, and tension-building.

A Voice in Ramah (Welcome to Holland) by ignaz (8k) Cuddy POV on her pregnancy journey. Diverges from the show. Really well done. ignaz did this topic and Cuddy's character justice. I also particularly liked House in this one.

Singapore by thedeadparrot (8k) (2009) In which the boys go to a medical conference in Singapore, House has a few surprises up his sleeve, and Wilson figures some things out.

*A Helping Hand by bironic (9k) Wilson has an unusually rough day and House decides (somewhat despite himself) to help. Things go further than he planned. A believable foray into non-platonic territory, set in between 2.22 (Forever) and 2.24 (No Reason). What better way to take your mind off your patients than a good-ol handjob between friends? Chuck in an absolutely delicious fucked-up overtone characteristic of them and we're golden.

Rarepairs

Chase/House

***pretty doctor by spqr (5k) AU where Chase is a hooker. House becomes obsessed with him after he off-handedly gives the correct differential diagnosis. spqr is an excellent writer that I've followed across multiple fandoms, and this fic did not disappoint. Well-written, great chemistry, hilarious. I could read 100k of this.

***atonement in the locker room after hours by missaa (2k) robert chase makes two mistakes in one day Tags: Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, degradation, God Complex, Catholic Guilt This is just as yummy as those tags make it sound. Someone needed to capitalise on the whole *waves hand vaguely* thing that Chase has going on and by god did this person rise to the occasion. Love the characterisation and the elegant prose, and the structure that flashes back and forth between two scenes. I'm insane!

Chase/Foreman Shoutout to ignaz who sold me on this pairing.

*Pretty Harsh (Confirmatory Testing Remix) by everybodylies (2k) Foreman might have flirted with Chase six months ago for like thirty seconds. Chase can't stop thinking about it.

***Two For The Road by ignaz (3k) For the first ever Foreman Fest, prompt 107 -- "after a break and enter gone wrong, Foreman and Chase are both sentenced to 300 hours of community service, which it looks like they're gonna spend picking up trash on the side of the road." Really solid writing (I mean it’s ignaz), believable characterisation and relationship building. I love them 💓💓💓 just overall a real pleasure to read. Also it's hilarious.

***Eric Foreman Doesn't Take It Up The Ass (But If He Did, It Might Happen Something Like This) by ignaz (6k)

Self-Defense, or The One Where Foreman Teaches Chase How to Throw a Punch by ignaz (1k)

Cameron/Foreman/Chase

Third Wheel Rolling by ignaz He's not jealous, but he's been the third wheel for so long that it's hard to tell the difference. Sexy + great characterisations.

Cuddy/Stacy

***Your Reflection and Mine by Starlingthefool (3k) Sweet, hot, well written.

Amber/Thirteen

***Hate (to the power of 13) by ijemanja (2k) (lj) Porny, with snappy writing and believable characterisations.

Hen Night by zulu (<1k) This is how breakups go. Amber's seen movies.

Release by zulu (1k) Wilson dies on the bus instead of Amber.

Chase/Wilson

Erase by bethfrish (<1k) Featuring a bar and crossdressing. Precanon. Second person, Wilson POV.

Patrick Bateman/Wilson

Just Like You, Only Worse by bethfrish (1k) Ok before you raise your eyebrows at the pairing, give it a chance. Bethfrish is an excellent writer. This fic is really a Wilson character study, and it's an interesting read. Second person POV Wilson, set in s1.

[unityrain24]

i've gotten a few new followers recently who seems to be loki series fans... and i just. you do realize that this is a very anti-series blog, right? it's in my description too

i know i haven't reblogged a whole bunch of anti loki series stuff lately, but it's not because i've "changed my mind" or anything. I am just to tired to read long metas (i haven't been reblogging many og loki metas recently either), i do not have the emotional energy to deal with awful feelings that come with the series, and also the other anti-series blog i follow also are getting emotional burnout from it so they aren't posting/reblogging a whole bunch of anti loki stuff either so that's less content for me to reblog.

but know that i am still very anti-loki series, and had strong feeling about it even before i got a tumblr account and literally no one in my life shared my views. When i finally got a tumblr account, like the first thing i did was read through all of the master posts of all the most major anti-series blogs. I read and reblogged probably hundreds. Like i combed through the archives. And i felt so validated finally.

The loki series was a terrible insult to lokis character. They took away his intelligence and his grace and his strategy and his humour and his masking and his cool reserved (but still witty) demeanor. They took away key aspects of his backstory, and invalidated every bad thing that ever happened to him. They didn't simply reduce his complex personality to something stupidly simple, they completely took away practically every part of his personality, and replaced it with things that weren't ever part of him. They blamed him for things he never did (and don't mention things he actually should be blamed for), called him inherently evil, and made him the butt of every joke. That thing you see on the screen is not the same character, not even a different character, but a bastardization of wearing someone else's corpse. The makers didn't even watch the previous installments he was in.

The series was questionable, if not outright terrifying, in its morals/messages (having the main character be stolen and stripped of everything, then work for a genocidal fascist organization and be happy about it)(portrayed either a questionable strange psuedo-incest abuser or an abusive fascist as the two romance options)(etc etc).

Even smaller less important things made it terrible. Making a show about "loki" then having it not be about him, but rather the tva, just to expand disney/mcu's while multiverse obsession? Having the series be called "loki" the whole aesthetic of the show being something painfully not loki? from the music to the lighting to the costumes to the plot to the everything? The lack consistency of the show to the installments prior/post it (again bc they don't care to research)? Gaps in logic? Also the fact that they seem to keep mixing up the concept of multiverses with timelines? (an alternate universe is different from a branch off of one universes timeline. Alligator loki, for example, does not make sense being a loki "variant" because the timeline could not deviate in a way that would make that happen). The fact that it was called "loki" but all the merch is racist genocidal tva? The fact that they condemn loki for certain things but praise the tva for doing far worse things? The way they made tom overact in such an embarrassing way? The way they marketed as having genderfluid loki, and then not only not showing it, but actively denying it?

i could go on and on and on but since i'm not formatting this as an essay the disorganization and lack of proper sentences/grammar is just muddling my point so i won't continue that long paragraph.

anyways.

and it's not "just" a show to me. its not "just" a fictional character. it's not "not a big deal." It is. It is a big deal. To me. I've dealt with mental illnesses my whole life, and when they get bad, they get bad. Dangerously bad. Having a comfort character/ world in my head i could escape to is a vital coping mechanism for me. When they first announced the loki series, a certain nervousness set in me, and with every new piece of information released, it got worse and worse, and my mental state got worse and worse. fuck man, i wanted to kill myself so that i wouldn't be alive when it came out (amongst other reasons). When it did finally come out, not only were all my fears proven correct, it proved to much, much, much worse than i could have ever imagined. It was horrific. It was like they stole what was dearest to me and disfigured it in front of my eyes and got the blood all over me and it would wash out, and the scent and colour and feel and taste of blood filled all my senses. My mental illnesses got a lot worse (both from reason related to and unrelated to the series), and i couldn't even use my necessary coping mechanism bc every time i thought of loki (even my og loki), the series and how it ruined everything would invade my mind. things were bad for me. and all i got was people saying "it's not that bad, your being dramatic, you should watch it!"

And perhaps i'm one-in-million in that sense, it's not like they made the series specifically to personally do that to me. And they don't know that it did.

but should they be ashamed? that they took something that was originally a complex piece of art and passion and expression, and did that to it? They turned it into some soulless money-making formula? They went from wanting to make stories to wanting to make money? From quality to quantity? Shouldn't they feel ashamed, that they disrespected the original artists and writers and filmmakers who put so much into it, only to not even watch them when "wanting" to continue it? Shouldn't they feel ashamed at their hollow greed and corruption? Shouldn't they feel ashamed for forcing an actor to ruin a character they cared so much about, and not allowed for their ideas?

even without what it emotionally did to people, they should be ashamed.

[stoopid-turtle]

hello... 😅 uhm, first of all, i truly am sorry in advance for being awkward 😭 but for once i decided not to let my awkwardness keep me from sharing (what i think/hope are) positive thoughts with a stranger on the internet, so here i am.

i'm not around much and legit only made this acc bc like you i'm a late bloomer here and needed as many outlets for my yizhan/wangxian obsession as i could get my greedy hands on, in the big year of 2023... sigh. anyway, as an avid lover of meta/analysis posts since my early fandom days began around 15 (oof 🥲) years ago, finding your acc was such a lovely surprise. i agree with your views a LOT, and really appreciate how eloquent and well-written your posts are! even more so bc there's a lot i still don't know and most of the time the source material is very hard to reach and/or understand due to the language barrier, so having other turtles to rely on to access those, even if filtered by their own biases/opinions, is wonderful. besides, such input coming from a new fan is also comforting and imo refreshing, juxtaposed with that of older fans... it keeps the fandom alive and all that jazz. it's also very brave given how ruthless some folks can be on the internet, and on this corner in particular 😮‍💨 it just felt like reading my own thoughts written by someone else sometimes. i gasped and nodded at your posts soooo many times djskdjdj thank you for that!

(btw you followed me back the other day and i legit fangirled irl bc ??? whatttttt 😅 i still think it was an accident but okay omg djskdjdj AHEM. sorry)

then today i logged in and read your recent posts feeling squeamish about sharing more thoughts and as much as i 100% relate to you saying that kind of attention makes you anxious, i just... idk, i had to let you know i enjoy everything you post, even though adult life has kept me from being able to read it all so far. i understand you stepping back and i respect that decision, i'm not by any means asking you to go against what you know is best for you. at the same time, i can't help but hope you'll still show up every now and then bc your posts will be missed 🥲 i guess the whole motivation behind this is that it just made me sad to think your valuable insights will be something i'm yet again late to, if that makes sense?

djskdjdj again, i'm so sorry for being awkward and weird and dropping all of this on your inbox unprovoked. you don't have to reply (or read this AT ALL omg 😭😭), in fact i'm so embarrassed by this that you'd probably have to reach me through inquiry lmaooo 💀 anyway, have a great life, thank you so much for the great job, bjyxszd etc ❤️💚💛

Oh, don't be anxious! I'm really not a big deal.

Thank you for dropping into my inbox! I love hearing from other turtles, especially relative newbies, like myself! One of my fav parts of coming out of lurking mode is getting to talk to other people. I kinda follow back anybody who follows me, cause it seems polite? I don't know tumblr etiquette. I just follow the tags when I get the chance.

I appreciate the encouragement! I try to avoid dramatics, so I'm sorry for the upset last week. The situation is largely resolved, and I am feeling more okay. I kinda backed off because I wasn't sure of my footing here in fandom as compared to others, especially as I do think I have some takes that fall outside fandom consensus. Again, I don't mean to rock any boats and I'm not invested in convincing anybody that they should have the same opinions as I do. Hearing from turtles who do want me to continue posting gave me some more confidence there.

So, yeah, I expect I'll post some more as I have time. I'd like to post more on dd (cause he's my fav). I'd also like to try to figure out gg cause that dude is so confusing to me. I do have RL stuff going on, and I don't have the time to be super-active outside of occasional posts. But I'd like keep posting stuff. At least until I get all my Yizhan thoughts out.

[annwrites]

No girl! No tragic ending 🤣 At least give them a happy ending in an alternate line. More than for Aemond do it for SG, she deserves it. 🤣🙏🏻 God! Just that he doesn't call her niece or beloved niece, it's disturbing. Who says something like that and treats the woman he supposedly loves and who is his friend since childhood like that? Just a disturbed person.

I wanna do both tbh, lol. The happy one-shot AU & a tragic one that would be multi-chapter. But, bc I don't typically like doing sad fics w/o happy endings (my characters are my babies & I only want the best for them in the end LOL)...idk that I could follow through with it. Or, at the very least, actually finish it. Especially with the stuff I have planned for it.

And yeah, I def implemented that as the only names he's really willing to call her for a reason. Just circles back around to what he feels for her being more about obsession.

Like, I know it seems romantic to be "put on a pedestal", but when I tell you it's only sweet in theory, I mean it. I've had that myself before & you have to walk on eggshells, lest your halo fall & w/ it, that person's romantic favor.

Like, I'm not saying Aemond doesn't love her. He does, in his own way (an unhealthy one). But he also has an idealized picture of her in his head. And I think if she stepped too far outside that box...she may not find warm reception to it on his part.

I mean, I understand that when we fall in love with someone, we fall in love with who we obviously think them to be. And, if they change too much, that love may fade. It's called having a type, I guess.

But like...when it comes to him with her? Say she ever got drunk in front of him—he would not react well to it; would prob not allow her to have but small servings of wine in the future. Say she ever used vulgar language—he would most likely chastise her like a small child. Say she ever tried to do a task he deems as being more for a man—he would try to put her back in her 'feminine' place by shoving some poetry books, or an embroidery hoop in her face.

I just...maybe I should write a damn meta for my Harrenhal outtake, bc I kinda inferred a lot of his mindset toward her in it.

There's a reason why he sees her as a child at one point. And why that's the one he finally gets violent towards.

[katasstrophy]

Do you have any hcs for Kaiser and/or Ness backstory?? I'm worried we won't have that much time left with them so I've been pondering, and Ness def gives me only child, middle class (maybe upper middle class), and lonely childhood vibes 😔 I feel like part of his obsession with Kaiser and a big part of his personality is accepting any and all crumbs of affection and recognition, which leads to an easy dependence on a sole model. I like to imagine though, while he didn't get to spend the most time with his parents especially as he started school, that he used to go mushroom and truffle hunting with his mom. I also see Ness as someone who likes or used to train as an ice skater!! I think it suits him and would be helped/lead to his flexible ankles. Also, has some kind of music background whether it's playing violin for a bit or being a choir boy.

He and Kaiser def have major theater kid energy, but I also see Ness as a lit nerd!! Used to be a bit of a snob about it too the little shit but he likes classics, mystery, and fantasy. Def see him as a LOTR fan while Kaiser doesn't know LOTR or Star Wars lmao.

And I think it'd be cute, if their friendship started more normally (though...who knows smh), that Kaiser and Ness used to talk about plays and musicals together. I think Ness would be a tragedy and romance fan (Cyrano de Bergarac, Medela, Titus Andronicus) while Kaiser loves EVERYTHINGGGG but is ofc a huge proponent of the classics, and is very pretentious about his personal meta and deep takes on them.

Also, between the two, only Ness knows some video games. Not a lot, but I think he would have played nintendo games like Kirby, Legend if Zelda (fave), and Mario and would know MegaMan, DOOM, some Resident Evil and such. I see him being given game consoles as a kid to make up for his parents not being there for him, which worked but the intent pushed Ness away from really enjoying video games to the fullest. But I think he'd have a soft spot for a lot of OSTs from different series, and with time, I think he could be a horror game fan but only now and then.

Meanwhile, Kaiser is like...bankrupt when it comes to video game knowledge and references. Anything he knows is from brief osmosis from being an attention seeker as a kid trying to make friends by lying out of his ass. If he ever were to play video games as a young adult, I think he might be interested in MMORPGs but his attention is short with them and he gets pissy if he's not instantly amazing at it. Which I see happening a lot bc I think video games would be a weakness for Kaiser lmao.

Sorry this ran rather long!! Ty for your time!!

hi nonnie!! no worries at all my apologies for replying so late. i have like, a few headcanons for our unhinged bastard münchen duo but some of them i plan on exploring in fics later on so i’ll be keeping those selfishly to myself for now sorry <3 but i feel like kaiser and ness won’t disappear on us any time soon!! we’ve already been with them for quite a while, and after the ubers game we’re still getting the pxg france match, so there’s plenty opportunity for us to learn about their backstories. imo they’re such interesting characters that it would be a waste - and if i can be so bold, bad story writing - not to explore their dynamics further in the manga. so i’m sure we’ll know more about them in due time!! but yeah it’s kinda criminal that their blue lock wiki pages have barely any trivia on them :((

sadly i’m not very well-versed in either theatre or video games but it seems like you def know your stuff!! and that’s really the beauty of hcs - that if it feels right for you why not own it? i can tell you’ve put a lot of thought and effort into mapping out their childhood and interests :)

so let me leave you with this lil brain nugget i’ve been pondering about: i really do wonder if it was ness who made kaiser into the self-obsessed bastard he is today. i feel like kaiser wasn’t born with a superiority complex. he was always good at football, but never thought too deeply about it until he met ness. ness was the original egoist. i mean, from his current skill set, he still surpasses isagi in many aspects. so it was ness who was really good at football, who didn’t have an equal until he saw kaiser play and it shattered his entire worldview, because just like isagi, he realised kaiser embodies that “perfect form of soccer.” and he made it look easy, effortless. so ness became obsessed and decided to devote himself to kaiser, who measured up to be the best in his eyes, and thus, slowly, kaiser started believing himself to be the emperor that ness made him out to be. wouldn’t you develop a god complex if someone was constantly at your beck and call and praised you for it? defended you against everyone who tried to stand in your way but ultimately failed? i’m pretty sure that’s not how their story will go but it is an intriguing food for thought no? (okay now that i'm reading this back it's low key giving a reonagi foil lol but i still stand by it)

i also wonder if kaiser’s rose tattoo has anything to do with his desire to leave bastard münchen but being unable to do so as of right now, hence the thorns symbolising that he is “shackled”. which means he’s looking for something or someone to set him free by “unlocking” the keyhole on his left hand. my guess is that isagi is definitely involved in that process somehow but we shall see!

[solarotters]

Thank you for the taggggg^^ @happy10thousandyears !!!

tag someone you want to know better

favorite color: matcha green and also brown

last song: kirumi by sunny car wash (friend recommended)

last movie: asteroid city👍it's my second time watching it in the theatres bc the first time I went I was 40mins late (...) this is like my second wes anderson movie but I really like it. its very meta yet whimsical idk the vibe is so good for me.

currently watching: NOTHING...I just finished golden kamuy a week ago so idk....im following one piece every week tho also I guess I'm slowly watching yakuza 4 gameplay on youtube?

other stuff i watched this year: omfg. one piece, trigun stampede, kekkai sensen, golden kamuy, rewatched mob psycho s1 and 2, rewatched some saiki k, and idk.

shows i dropped this year/didn’t finish: not show but I still haven't finished reading trigun maximum...im sorry...

currently reading: I am a cat by natsume soseki...its such a slow book im struggling so much but I like natsume soseki so I will persevere

currently listening to (sneaky additional question!): if this is about podcasts, im not a podcast guy but I occasionally tune in to the jeremy brett sherlock holmes podcast. they do extensive research on each episode of the granada series, they interview actors and staff, and sometimes they do giveaways? if you don't know about this podcast already then definitely check it out. everything is really well made and done.

currently working on: im in a zine but what im really working on is limiting my caffeine intake (it will never happen though)

current obsession: WRAGHHHHH MY GOLDEN KAMUY HYPERFIXATION...specifically sugimoto saichi im so obsessed with him I would bite off his pinky and swallow it if it means we could be together forever

Tagging @flyingcatto @usalock @auburn99 @confusedsiewmai @saladd-draws @princegirltwink hope you guys don't mind me tagging!!

[monstersinthecosmos]

🤲💋✨️💝💌

(writing asks!)

🤲what do YOU get out of writing?

OMG I DONT KNOW! Like why do creative people feel the need to make stuff, I can't explain it. I just know that it's what I want to do as a creative outlet. And like usually (NOT LATELY BECAUSE THE LAST COUPLE MONTHS MY LIFE HAS BEEN A DISASTER) I reserve 9-10pm every night as WRITING TIME and like, it's not a chore for me! It's like a reward at the end of the day. So I spend all day thinking about what I'll write at 9pm when it's writing time. :D So there's like the half of it that's creative & spiritual to do, and also the half that's just like, my little Me Time that I allow myself that helps me unwind. :D

💋when you leave comments on a fic, do you want to hear back from the writer?

I DO but I don't get offended if they don't reply lol. But like ngl, if I notice a fic author doesn't reply to comments, I am less likely to leave a huge comment. Like one time I left a BOOK REPORT on a fic and the author replied to like, everyone EXCEPT me who was leaving emojis and stuff? And I felt really bad like I made them uncomfortable or something. So like. I tend to comment as I read and I like to copy & paste lines in and stuff, but if the author never replies I'm less likely to take the extra time to do this because I don't know if it's well received. 😅

✨What's a fic you've posted you wish you could breathe life into again and have people talking about it? (or simply a fic you wish got more credit)

jkgald wording it like that makes me squeamish but I felt like the gangbang fic I wrote for the BDSM zine kinda flopped 😬 like it has some comments and people who did comment were really excited but like, proportionally to my other Sheith fics it didn't do well. And I wasn't sure if it was like TOO MUCH or something, bc it got a lot of hits but not so many comments, like it made me wonder if people opened the link out of curiosity but then noped out. Like I have Sheith fics with less hits that have 2 or 3x the comments. Whoops! And I wonder if I overcomplicated it. IDK!!!!!!!!!! But I was happy with how it came out so it's not necessarily that I would want to like fix or anything. I just felt sad that no one liked it. 😂

💝what is a fic that got a different response than you were expecting?

I think maybe The Front ? I was a little overwhelmed by the response bc I thought I was being like extremely self indulgent and niche about my own kinks and people wound up being like SO excited and kind and generous with comments it just really surprised me. 😳 LIKE YOU DONT EVEN LEARN KEITH'S NAME FOR 21K, I was calling him "the creature" LMAOOOOOOOOOOO it just was like so extremely catered to my own individual needs I was surprised. 😂

💌share something with us about an up-and-coming work (WIP) that has you excited!

For Sheith right now I'm back to working on my fic Tonight the Stars Revolt! which is like a retelling of canon if they were friends with benefits who kept fooling around after near death missions to relieve stress and like I WROTE THE FIRST 50K IN A MONTH on my break after my first ship contract and I didn't intend for it to get so complicated and plotty and I also absolutely did not intend for the last few chapters to be like A YEAR APART FROM EACH OTHER but I kept getting distracted doing exchanges and stuff, and I kinda try to like alternate Sheith and VC so I'd write a chapter, then write a VC fic, then it was time to go back to Sheith but I had an exchange, then VC, then a zine, then VC, etc. It just really got away from me but like it's my baby and it's where I pour all my meta and headcanons and I think about it constantly so every time I return to it I'm very exciting! The upcoming chapter includes a flashback about BABY KEITH and his DAD and a SNAKE and I'm really excited about it. :)

FOR VC IM FOAMING AT THE MOUTH OBSESSING OVER WRITING A FIC ABOUT THE YEAR MARIUS WAS HELD CAPTIVE AND THE SEXUAL TENSION BETWEEN HIM AND HIS CAPTOR AND THE STAGES OF GRIEF FOR HIS FREEDOM, I hope to start writing it maybe in the new year hdkjslgasgdjal I can't stop thinking about it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[lunanoc]

tag game!

TAG SOMEONE YOU WANT TO KNOW AND/OR SOME OF YOUR BESTIES

tagged by @tiesanjiaoshenanigans thank you <33

Favorite color: pastels but i have a soft spot for pastel pink <3

Last song: ceilings by lizzie mcalpine

Last movie: i'm not all that much of a movie person because i'm boring like that so the dmbj misty creed movie it's cute it's fairly book accurate for vibes watch it ok trust

Currently watching: not watching anything atm but i'm planning on maybe watching couple of mirrors it's a baihe adaptation so we'll see how that goes

Other stuff I watched this year: i'm counting this as meaning last year bc this year has been less than 2 weeks, but even then i'm not all that much of a big tv/movie watcher and i also hyperfixate you will notice very quickly so uhh sha hai/tomb of the sea, sweet home seasons 1 & 2 with @tatchling <3, till the end of the moon, conjuring curse, misty creed, one piece live action, all the various movies i don't remember the names of i've vaguely watched because of @shaish 😂

Shows I dropped this year: none really?

Currently reading: sha hai my dubious beloved dubious because li cu and co aren't really my favorites but still beloved because the lore as usual makes me go unhinged because i am willingly stuck in dmbj hell and making my way through these books with love and care and insanity 😂

Currently listening to: 佳人 by lexie liu (last song was the song before this one)

Currently working on: class things a little bit, and part of me wants to actually make the effort of organizing my unhinged conspiracy theory word vomit into proper dmbj meta but also do you know how extensive and dense dmbj lore is i will write a dissertation atp 🏃‍♀️

Current obsession/s: i'm sure absolutely no one can tell that dmbj and wu xie and pingxie has me in chokehold not at all

tagging: @shaish, @tatchling, @kelly42fox, @thatlittlemouse, @hkst, @difeisheng, honestly i don't know many people well or at all so feel free to do this if you want to consider yourself tagged 😂

[uighean]

grabbing this from @galacticlamps bc I am nothing if not narcissus staring into a pond ig!!

What book are you currently reading?

I've just picked war and peace back up after ditching it for a couple months!! I'm like. a quarter of the way through ahjgfkdg. getting there.

What's your favourite movie you saw in a cinema this year?

god I think the last thing I saw at the cinema was the broadcast of a coldplay concert?? (which was rlly good & I do need to pick up the dvd. like. I need to own footage of people of the pride being performed live thank you) but I have NO idea what I saw at the cinema before that omg. definitely nothing this year

What do you usually wear?

if I'm out, then a kilt + button-up shirt/tshirt + knee-high socks + docs. maybe a waistcoat or leather jacket if it's a bit colder

How tall are you?

5'3"ish! I am. small.

What's your star sign?

pisces! I don't care about zodiac stuff at all but I do think it's funny that there's sailors + fishermen on both sides of my family, my star sign is a fish, and yet I get terribly seasick

Do you share your birthday with a celebrity or historical event?

I mean probably but I also share my birthday with my fav animal crossing villager & that's worth more to me than any celebrity tbh

Do you go by your name or a nickname?

just by my name! I've never really been one for nicknames.

Did you grow up to be what you wanted to be as a child?

absolutely not haha. think I kinda talked about this in some tags the other day but I wanted to be a vet right up until I was in late high school/starting uni, & then it all just. dried up. have wound up working in museum collections management & I love it!!!

Are you in a relationship? Who is your crush if not?

yes!!! with @ettelwenailinon ❣️💕💞💓

What's something you're good at versus something you're bad at?

ogufjkdh I am clean out of ideas for this one so I'm gonna say. I'm the gay who can drive and also the gay who can't cook <3

Dogs or cats?

cats, 100%. dogs are cute (& I have a massive soft spot for enormous female dogs who are terrified of everything) but I wouldn't own one. but at the end of the day I am a horse person over everything

What's something you'd like to create content for?

hmm idk!! I think I'm already """"creating content"""" for everything I want to be tbh. I would like to actually learn how to draw but not necessarily anything specific, you know

What's something you're currently obsessed with?

well if you've been around my blog lately you might have picked up on the fact that I'm a little obsessed with holding achilles right now. like, watching it all the way through every day obsessed whoops.

(I need to sit down and actually write out my notes on it bc I have a LOT of thoughts but that's going to inevitably end with me making actual spreadsheets. of recurring motifs and when they crop up. rn I want to figure out all the references to prophecy vs promises (there's an overarching meta in my head about like. the way achilles and patroclus relate to death and responsibility, respectively, and how that drives their dynamic/the plot), but also all the different ways their relationship is defined/described by themselves and others? and how that relates to how ultimately what they want is to be unknown, and the kind of. queer idea of being undefinable. I'm being SO normal about all this if you can't tell)

tbh it's thrown me back into greek mythology in general. I have been watching so many greek god vine compilations & they all absolutely send me

What's something you were excited about that turned out to be disappointing this year?

eurovision.................. god the songs this year are so. there's a handful of ones that are pretty good but so many are just boring pop songs. take me back to 2021. I'm hinging my entire sanity on kalush orchestra's winner's performance tbh that's going to be the highlight of the night

What's a hidden talent of yours?

ok I said I'm the gay I can't cook but the one thing I can make is potatoes. I do really good mashed/roast potatoes. mutuals you are invited over for this

Are you religious?

nope! my family's never been religious for as long as I've been alive, and I just. don't believe in anything. not necessarily ruling anything out though, the universe is very big. and like, I think I have a kind of spirituality in some ways? like I have some vague beliefs about objects holding stories/memories. but I think that's a function of working in a museum gkfjhds, you can't help but personify stuff a bit

What's something you wish to have at this moment?

the uk visa I'm applying for............................ or the truly ridiculous amount of money I paid for it. god why is it so expensive.

not tagging anyone bc I think this was technically meant to be for new year's??? but hey if anyone wants to do it, you're welcome :)

[dashielldeveron]

hi hello you may not remember but i sent a couple of asks about the shiggy route and was tentatively called mid-dec anon um. i have returned with thoughts ! again!

god the world building in this was absolutely gorgeous and so unique in its mechanics you should be so incredibly proud of yourself. there’s too much to say so i will pick a theme and my theme is the little throughlines you’ve done across the routes and how GORGEOUSLY you subverted them in the meta-route (i know you said it’s not necessarily a true route and also if it was my heart would break so. meta route). it absolutely tickled me pink how pink lemonade is NOT AVAILABLE. i adored how instead of experiencing the government assigned chapstick flavour in the Kiss Scene we are the ones wearing the chapstick. applying it to izuku kind of. technically. he is NOT wearing Moulded To Your Ass line but his ass is so fine he may as well be i’m so delighted!!!

I also absolutely adore how you bring your other interests into the fic like star trek and perhaps ouran high school host club? maybe? i ALSO liked how the “fine. lotus” REALLY reminded me of your hawks fic “spine, baby”.

the way that you pointed out hitoshis across all routes love in izukus route because i did not notice and now it is all i can see! heartbreak!!!! i think izuku is a very very difficult character to nail and by god did you nail it i’ve said it already and i’ll say it again you should be beyond proud of yourself.

i fear i may have to send more asks because you wrote 60k and a cumulative OVER 200k so there is much to consider. I donated to your ko fi and im only mentioning it in this ask because i think you should promo it

oh, hello!!! of course i remember you!!! you were very clever about it all!!! good to hear from you again!!!

may i be honest?? i am so STUPID i did not even realise i was destroying the throughlines. i was just thinking about how if a fundraiser has two pre-made cocktails, they prob don't have much to offer for non-alcoholic girlies. that since we haven't kissed him yet, we should get the chapstick so that we can focus on it more. GOD you've pointed out something really cool; i wish i had been consciously thinking about it so it could be cooler!!!!

and lololol i wanted to give izuku one of my specific badges of honour, which is Nerd So Into Star Trek That They Know Behind-the Scenes Stories. he deserves to be really into more than just hero work, and there's so much star trek stuff out there that i think his obsessive, cataloguing nature would carry over well. and i remember i put in "suoh's seaside cafe" thinking of tamaki ohshc--was there something else i ref with them, too? i wouldn't doubt it, since i am into ohshc, but the specific ref is escaping me rn

hitoshi!!! we love him!!! and Worse, he Loves Us Always!!!! and izuku--thaaaaaaaank you for saying i write him well, bc he is a difficult lil guy. thank you!!!!

and..........oh my god???? oh my GOD?????????? you donated to my ko-fi????? gracious. good lord. wow, okay, firstly, i canNOT thank you enough; i now feel like i'm a little victorian newspaper serial writer who got paid for their work--golly, wow, you are so VERY, VERY kind and generous; thank you so much!!!!!!!! (if i can figure out how to do a promo post, i will, but this hasn't happened before, so it may take some screwing around lololol.) but GOSH thank you so much. i'm v v excited to hear from you now, and i'll love any more thoughts you send in!!! i'm really glad that you like the silly stories i write!!!!!! xx.