#bc i dont think i deserve it or that im worth ppls time or that i know the right things to say or that they rlly want to talk to me???

[skrunksthatwunk]

found out that rascal's owner took him again while i was out, and he's probably not gonna be back since the semester's almost over. i don't even know if his owner's coming back next semester, if i'll ever see him again. if he'll ever see me again. why do they wait until im not around to do this? why do they never let me say goodbye to him?

[motionpicturesforcarrie]

now that im not busy i have too much time to #mull things over

[the-cooler-king]

Oh yeah..... midnight gospel be hitting.... sitting in my bed fuckin. Crying. Get a grip girl

[narwhalandchill]

yknow as much as the (deserved) inazuma backlash has clearly changed hoyos writing for the better i do think there v much is one completely wrong lesson theyve taken from it and thats incorporating story quests into the AQ sequence (and specifically how theyve never attempted it again)

the concept itself was Never inherently bad. in fact it unironically has a ton of potential bc you could lessen the need for sudden character specific exposition in the AQ AND pull off way more high-stakes and timeline-specific plotlines in the SQs by ensuring players will experience it at the intended place and time.

the issue was that they introduced a bleak depressing inazuma in the middle of a fucking civil war and then went omg AQ on pause!!! lets go to a festival with ayaka and u will be her first friend ever OwO yoimiyas is at least vastly better written and actually involves the VH and sakoku decrees so its always been a favorite of mine but even then im sure theres things worth criticism in there its just been 2 years so i cant analyze it off the top of my head. but the greatest offender has always been the way ayakas comes with such a complete tonal dissonance it just takes you out of the atmosphere they spent the entire act I building up.

and it rly makes me sad bc i Know hoyo took the backlash about interrupted pacing and disjointed tone as "ok story quests bad as AQ requirements" when its like. no the one you wrote just sucked

AQ incorporated story quests need to have a damn good reason to be mandatory at that specific point and while its far from perfect i DO think yoimiyas fulfills that! but ayakas doesnt! at all! and like im realizing the issue is also in how genshins made it a standard that a character must receive a story quest Instantly on release. so i guess ayakas had to be in between acts I and II for plot reasons but like. that being the case then the story quest itself shouldve focused on a completely different theme as opposed to her very predictable tropey personal problems that werent even explored properly imo. like im sure plenty of depth and nuance in her characterization was lost in translation but i almost cry laughed the first time the restaurant vendor went "oh ayaka is lonely because she is so perfect that no one sees her as a friend but instead an aspiration" like what in the 3rd grader writing mary sue self insert fic tarnation 💀 you couldve worded that exact same concept in 12 different ways to make it actually sound poignant and you did That SHAHSKSJSKDLJH

(and a quick addition before i get accused of being a blind hater hater lmao. here goes: "the burdens of miss ayakas position as the public face of the kamisato make it difficult for her to shed the mask of practiced perfection. i think people struggle to see her as a person whod enjoy simple things in life like friendship just like everyone else when theyre so used to viewing her as an unreachable figurehead." there. now its way more clearly nuanced. this took me 3 minutes and is far from any fluid writing yet. the difference is staggering)

but like. as a result this ambiguous timeline limbo most story quests end up falling into is genuinely a shame bc i do think theres potential in attempting the ayaka n yoi thing again but with characters for whom it makes sense and actually enhances the AQ experience by necessitating it. and yeah yeah ik genshin wants to be casual friendly so they dont want to force ppl to do quests they dont like for AQ so its unrealistic to expect them to ever try it out again but man

as long as they pick the right place and time and characters for it they could massively alleviate the issue of some story quests contents ending up feeling like somewhat empty fluff bc they cant assume what point a player will be in the main plot could be so they lack actually impactful lore and or character beats.

obviously im not a writer at hoyo and idk how much backlash the ayaya/yoi situation got them but like. idk. taking the lesson "never do anything like inazuma again" isnt rly what id consider the full picture. inazuma does suck and has clunky moments throughout but like in 2.0 people were still hype! inazuma had good ideas and concepts and attempted sth that couldve been great the issue isnt inazuma bad on all levels its that they never delivered its potential and 2.1 was an incredible letdown.

[wolfisland]

more disability bitching sawry

and i think whats devastating is that ppl are so desperate to obscure the existence and struggles of disabled people in general and treat you like youre subhuman that you couldnt even begin to fathom the idea that maybe (in fact, almost certainly) one day you will be disabled. and that it could be at any age.

no one prepares kids for the idea that for no fucking reason one day you might just be disabled. could be an accident, could be genetic, could be acquired, could be fucking anything. at any time. you could spend more of your life disabled than abled.

like it took me so fucking long to be able to say i was disabled. not out of shame or anything like that but because i couldnt really comprehend or accept that i was allowed to be disabled so young (so so so so much love to my disabled mutuals btw bc ive been mutuals w many of you for years on older blogs and youve been INSTRUMENTAL in me accepting my own disability)

but its like you end up grieving for yourself in a way bc its like. either you lose something dear to you, or you never got to experience it in the first place. and both of those are devastating.

i dont think im doomed because im disabled, or that my life is less worth living or anything like that. but its so hard to cope with sometimes that like. im 24. and ill never get to do so many things. and i dont know if any of it will ever get better. its really only gotten worse. it drives me nuts. im 24. im 24. i am twenty four fucking years old and i feel ancient. maybe itd be one thing if i were happily a homebody and preferred indoor stuff and more calm activities but i loved running. i love concerts and parties and dancing and i wanted to play sports. i liked basketball and hockey. i loved running. i loved running so much and i cant fucking run anymore. and until they figure out whats wrong with my fucking hip i can barely walk.

and i didnt do anything wrong. i didnt do anything to deserve it. because disability isnt some divine punishment god doles out to those who Deserve it. it just happens. and so much of this shit is stuff modern medicines still kinda like uhhhhhh we dunno what to do also have you tried just not being disabled :)

fuck off.

[tmwcs]

hi reina my love,

im so sorry I went inactive for two days I was super busy and just couldnt cope and keep up with everything going on in my life right now and rarely had time to open my phone. But I promise that i’ll always try to make it up to you whether it be this week or in the next days.

I cant forgive myself knowing I didnt greet you on your birthday!!!! oh my lord…I will forever be guilted by this…well in that case here’s a letter I made hehe <33

Dear Reina,

I wanted to take a moment to express my gratitude for your presence in my life. Even though we haven't met in person, you have become such an important part of my daily routine. Our conversations, shared thoughts, and laughs have become my solace in times of stress and my celebration in times of joy.

I appreciate your willingness to listen, your kind words, and your willingness to share your own experiences. You have provided me with a sounding board, a cheerleader, and a confidante. Knowing that you are just a message away gives me such comfort and peace. You are such an incredibly talented and beautiful person and though I haven’t seen your face, I know your gorgeous inside and out. Talking to you, reading your writings, and sending my reactions to you knowing I was able to make you smile is and always will ne the highlight of my day.

I feel incredibly lucky to have you as my best friend. Im not sure if you know this but, you truly have made a positive impact on my life, and I hope that I have done the same for you. I look forward to continuing our journey together, sharing more laughs, and making more memories.

Thank you for being such an amazing friend.

I wish you the happiest birthday ever!!!!! you deserve everything and more. I love you always.

With so much love,

Nik

oh my girl! dont worry about the bday, i purposely left it out bc i get too overwhelmed by letting ppl know about my birthdate lol. i'm so glad to hear back from you, i know you've been busy. hows ballet practice?

and i just want to say that your message, along with @iamliacamila , @heeshees , @moonmoongi and my Em anon and everyone else that have sent me bday wishes and heartfelt messages, i love you all. these messages make my day and make life truly worth living for. i love that i am able to bring you guys joy and content within this blog, and allow your minds to escape reality, I'm a firm believer that we need to be a little delulu to keep ourselves sane lol. but i am so happy that i made this blog to connect and make friends, which was something i was lacking bc i just never really had the opportunity to make a whole lot in person. but this is way better if you ask me lol. to think that it all started from my friend who stans enhypen, and convinced me to make this blog and turn my fics into heeseung fics lol. ofc i had to pick her brain and have her educate me on who the hell enhypen was, and still, there are some days that i have to hit her up for some new photos or information to reflect in the fics, but i'm glad that i know about them solely bc i get to meet and become friends with you and everyone else. <3

this photo is something i'm vibing to rn bc i have a big cheese eating grin on my face lol.

[wawawawawawawawawawawawawa]

anon who doesnt have aspd and taught myself empathy here yet again! i am Now Thinking and remembering that a huge part of why i've never tried to go to therapy or anything is coz like i Know i'd use what i learn to like, manipule ppl better and shit. i enjoy playing w ppl Too much and coz Fun Childhood i've been good at it all my life, but cognitively i recognise its bad so it would be bad and not fair for me to go to therapy and get even better at it and manipulate ppl i love for my own fun. and like even i dont do illegal shit or even like drink alcohol or smoke coz then i can keep the moral high ground in arguments w ppl and i can say whatever i want and call em out on shit and create a fuss for them and stir the pot and they cant call me a hypocrite. like so much of what i do is about making sure i have a level of ability to manipulate and control ppl and situations. so many behaviours which arent explained by autism, idk why i've just brushed all of them aside except that i've gotten bored by overthinking abt them, and ive mostly gotten to a point where they're under control and im content w life

but back to remorse and empathy i honestly just think they're not really necessarily useful things and ppl place so much importance on "oh im such a good person i have so much empathy" but will also use their empathy/remorse to control ppl? like i know ppl w bpd who use their genuine guilt and worries and stuff to get ppl to feel sorry for them and indulge them instead of confronting and working on it. like even ppl w/o mental illness will sometimes try to use the fact they feel bad abt smth to erase their culpability instead of actually fixing their mistakes. it can be confronting for them that some ppl can be like "oh shit i made a mistake. fuck. oh well" (and sometimes fix their mistake/take responsibility) w/o remorse or other emotions to it coz i think it makes them realise their emotion doesnt absolve them

thanks to listening to me ramble!

man i feel that, im also obsessed with having the moral high ground, except i think my view of morality is the best one and everyone else is stupid. also i'm a hypocrite. i also hate hypocrites! yes this in of itself is hypocritical i am aware. do something morally reprehensible? shame on you! doesn't matter that i do the same thing with no intent to stop. its over anakin i have the moral high ground!! i have Standards and Morals and also i'm correct all the time. if i had the death note there would be no story and everything would be okay. i simply would not go mad with power and i'd only kill people who are deserving of it

also yeah i hate the empathy = morality thing i hate it so so so so much. i do think cognitive empathy is a useful tool and remorse can be useful as like, the emotions equivalent of getting spritzed with a water bottle and also you are a cat. do something shitty? feel remorse? my cuck ass is NEVER doing that again!! because remorse felt so bad the first time, why would i risk doing it Again and feeling remorse Again? its just not worth it. but then again if you get more and more used to its presence it wouldnt work all that great and also would suck balls

and i've known a dude w bpd who was like that, and ive known people with good ol fashioned Anxiety Disorder that were like that- worse, even! they thought that bc they had anxiety, they were these cutesy little waifs and anything they did could be rebutted with "but i have anxietttyyyyyy" and everyone was just expected to pity them because of it- no matter what they did! people put too high of an emphasis on emotion as the standard of morality- if you're a scared abuse victim, thats Moral and you are Pitiable, which is Good. however if you fought back, you are Immoral and you are Secretly Probably The Aggressor, which is Bad. (consequently, if you're too scared, that's Moral, however you Didn't Fight Back, which means you were acting Illogically, and Had It Coming, therefore you are Bad) which is hypocritical as fuck! ive taken responsibility w/o remorse and i've takne responsibility with remorse and remorse is Not the important part of this argument, it's emotional intelligence.

[jenanddomo]

6.28.23

11:39pm

hey, its been a long time since i actually put something!

lets start w love life

so i got w my bf lol in early april! he so sweet n cute. he fr has the best version of me he so lucky

the reason y i say he so lucky bc i fr try my hardest not to be ugly or mean to me, he doesn’t deserve that. me n him r doin well :) prob bc it jst the beginning still but even then i tell him everything lol , i told him my darkest secrets n stuff (i thought he was gon be a stranger) but we always havin convos. i sleep w him once a week sometimes two, he so comfortable to sleep with.! i love to be ard him, we do little cute dates n i drove us to the movies to watch elemental it was so cute! so rn thats good

i treat him super good, im super honest w him n i jst cant lie to him:( i tell him the truth eventually. i only lie to him to mes w him like sum stupidddd

but thats that

mentally

i have been doin great actually! i dont feel miserable or depressed, empty, like im so happy now! life is great, i love everyone ard me :) every1 so great their hasnt been anyone so negative uk? im also very real to myself i accepted n jst found peace within myself

so thats good

pets

my two og cats died my spooky n kingking:(

i miss them very much i miss my black n orange cat they were like ying n yang . i miss their cute little personalities they were the best

but now a general

post

lets talk abt what i think and stuff

so i moved on lol as i said i found peace within myself , lookin at the old posts,, gosh who let me cook,,, i saw old posts, messages, and everything n its so crazy how much i changed in 5 months really. lookin at how immature i was , i was so clueless and stupid and lookin back at it now it likes been there uk? it was never a good thing from the get go:) i accepted that, i also accepted i used to be a bad person to but ik i got so much better, the guy im w he makes me want to be a better person.

eating? i dont eat anymore lol, i still eat below like 1000 cals , like every 2 weeks i will eat above it butttt idk! honestly in only this month i lost 8-9 lbs:) so now im 142 yippe yayayay my goal weight is 120-130 so in total i lost 38 lbs which is crazy. when my bf met me i was above 155 so im pretty happy w that

my life been so peaceful and im jst so glad alot of ppl left my life this year before i graduated, n im thankful for those ppl too without yall i wouldnt be who i am today uk? yes i was mad, childish and everything, that part it jst sum i still need to work on bc i do have anger issues. but even then i dont like arguing anymore or jst fightin in general, yea thats what i learned what to do but its not worth it uk? on my insta reels i see some relatable posts that i relate to so much im jst like awh:3

im glad im jst not how i was before uk? rn im jst so calm, i dont feel empty no more , i actually starting to feel motivation to do sum, i want to do sum w my life and i want to help others ard me.

when it was my last day of school, it was supposed to be “sad” but i was so happy bc i donated blood n my blood helped someone:D i was so happyyy like jst helpin other ppl makes me ecstatic.

i also quit smoking so im proud of myself for that:) i do have moments where i wan do it n stuff but im like no drugs bad n the only bad thing i do is drink, but even then im trying to stop that too bc their was one week were i drank everyday but i told myself i dont wan be like my dad so i kind of stopped.

my music taste is different then it was 5 months ago.

i have 2 new cats gizmo n walter.

im jst so happy rn lol i dont know what to say:3

but im glad for what happened to me , im glad i went through stuff when i was a kid, im glad i finally even opened up abt it to someone im jst so glad everything happened bc i jst wouldnt be who i am now

i guess

im just tryin to be a bigger better person

i dont want to be childish no more i dont want to fight i dont want to hit or argue or cause shit on purpose

lately i been emotional but i think

i jst need it bc im jst so glad how open i am w all that stuff rn

i also finished king of the hill lol i dont know if i put that

[tiredsilverfox]

This is just a long post of me venting/ranting since it should be save to do now that i got rid of those 2

Do not get mad if u choose to read this urself, if u read this only to get angry do not take it out on ne

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Links to other stuff I related to=

i feel like if i ask for help again ill just...

Screenshot that is kinda relatable

you know what its fucking hard trying to get help

Broken mask comic thing

Raccoon meme

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sorry about this vent but I need to get things out of my mind

Does anyone ever regret even trying to get medical help bc what if ur just an attention seeker?

Like somedays i want to completely disappear where no one knows me & completely get off the internet so i cant be attention seeker or even be 💀 bc i wouldn't be able to be an attention seeker (or would ppl still see me as that? Would they think that i did to get attention?)

i honestly think about cancelling my appointments completely...

i know making this post makes me attention seeker but i just needed to vent

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But at the same time...

If u seek me out after i blocked ur accounts just to call me names u being a drama llama isn't my fault

If u urself read my vent post & then get mad that isn't my fault

I have the exact same right to vent in the internet just as anyone else who vents in the internet

I should be allowed to reach out for help without feeling horrible about it

But at the same time i cant help but blame myself for everything

All this anxiety & stress with depression is making me numb. My physical health makes life harder. I dont have the energy to react so i just close myself & go numb. I just lie in my bed all day tired questioning my worth

Im never claim to be a good person bc of what i did in 2020(about), hell maybe i do deserve all of this. Maybe this is what karma is? But those ppl are no better than me, did the same exact shit that i did

────── ⋆⋅🍁⋅⋆ ──────

The quilt of not being like others

I grew up around ppl who like gaming, old stuff, series, movies, going outside, social/got along with ppl, loves christmas & Likes vehicles I have been listening ppl liking movies, series, eating sweets, who celebrate holidays, ppl who play games & know who they are & love music

Im nothing like that & it makes me feel so wrong I do not like sweets or gaming, i'm not the biggest fan of holidays. I prefer to be alone inside, I have mixed feelings about music. Not overly interested in vehicles & I have been questioning my identy since 2019

The quilt of being different & the self hate

────── ⋆⋅🍁⋅⋆ ──────

Why are ppl like this?

Like I can eat some sweets little bit but not all (cant eat cake, muffins, specific type of candys, chocolate & so on) but the biggest reason is that I just dont like it or the texture (yes, my stomach starts hurting easily when I eat stuff like this but its not even bad, its just more uncomfortable than full on painful) I just do not like Sweets/sugary stuff but its like ppl cant just take the no but now that i exaggerate it suddenly ppl just take the no?

Why do ppl always react like this when u say no to something like this?

Not even gonna start about how some ppl react when i say i cant eat something, like im soooo sorry for having health issues, sensory issues, having different likes/dislikes than u, for being a Picky eater like im soooo sorry /j /neg

────── ⋆⋅🍁⋅⋆ ──────

Im tired & idk what to do

Im way too (insert word here) to leave the house & get to school in time. I am autistic with, anxiety & chronical pain & idk what to do. Its all too much but asking for help isn't easy either but i am an adult, this is what everyone expect me to be able to do & when I cant do it, it feels like everyone is mad so its hard to even admit it out loud how much school I have already missed. I honestly dont know what to do

The concept of leaving the house in pain, traveling trough the sensory nightmare in pain trying to get there in time, spends all the time there & them make my way back home in pain & over whelmed/simulated its just too much for me & so i dont even wanna leave the house but i need to bc thats what im expect to be doing

I am trying to get medical help but that hasnt really been working out that well. Maybe i do need to drop out but i need to stay in school for medical help.... idk what to do

Having to ask for accommodatioms(?) In school Is terrifying bc then i would have to admit the situation & feel like im letting everyone down but what else i can do?

────── ⋆⋅🍁⋅⋆ ──────

Me= hey heres me boundaries

Specifically my parents= not gonna listen, respect or remember that got it!

—▪︎—

Parents= u want tv?

Me more than once= no

Parents= still gives me tv bc listening & taking me seriously is apparently too much

Me= gives it back not long after that christmas knowing they will probably never actually listen me

—▪︎—

Me last year=I do not want gifts, thats my boundary. Bc of my childhood i feel uncomfortable with gifts so these gifts for my 19 bday should remain the last from my family, gonna let my relatives know later on if they send anything (they did so I told them)

Christmas 2023= family= heres gifts even after u said no

Grandma oct 2024 but got it today= I know u dont want gifts but I still decided to send u this hopefully u dont offended

—▪︎—

Me now= i mean it would be nice if my boundaries were respect but ok i quess u do u

The problem is thay if u let them push the small boundaries after everything its still too much

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────── ⋆⋅🍁⋅⋆ ──────

[magnoliamyrrh]

How do you deal with self-harm urges?

(tw talk of different things ive used to self harm)

i still struggle with it a lot of times still, with the urges that is, and every once in awhile i do relapse (sometimes less sometimes really bad), but thankfully ive been able to go months on end without doing it, or i think sometimes like a year and a half or maybe more? i started cutting when i was 12, so frankly im a bit impressed w myself for the times ive been able to stop after so many years. ive found thankfully that the longer you go without, the more the urges to keep doing it go down

and uhhh idk. several things i guess?

sometimes (often if its rly bad) ill scratch myself w my nails (not drawing blood just irritating the skin and it kinda hurts) and sometimes that makes it go away, its enough pain to calm me down without permanent damage. i know ppl say to use icecubes and ive tried a couple of times but it really doesn't work for me - glad it does for others. uhm ill try to go take really hot showers until i calm down, that tends to work. sometimes ill try to just,,,,, this may sound stupid but if something in particular triggers me and i feel the urge, i try to remain either physically paralized or try to distract myself w anything until it passes; harder said than done. listening to loud music in headphones also kinda helps w that sometimes. every once in awhile ill try to do something like tear apart paper or some other thing and sometimes that does something?

and tbh this isnt good but smoking cigarettes makes me do it a bit less. but like Do Not Do This, i actually consider cigarettes to be a MUCH Much worse form of self harm than a lot of cutting. because end of the day if youre careful, cutting leaves you with scars only. cigs can absolutely wreck your health long term and its a horrible addiction. just because its more socially acceptable than cutting doesnt mean its not more dangerous; ive actually had plenty of psychs and therapists agree w me on this one

hmm. ill try to go for a walk, if i can, until the worse of the urge passes. or alternatively i will go and drive around aimlessly listening to music until they pass. sometimes if the urge isnt super super strong, i also find that it helps to draw - ive been using vent art as a way to cope for years, and sometimes drawing cuts or scars on a representation of myself gets that urge a little bit out of me

....... i feel like doing psychadelics really helped me do this less and quit many times - they make you not really wanna hurt yourself and love yourself and take care of yourself better, while also dealing w the underlining issues and mechanisms which lead to the urge in the first place

....i try to keep in mind that it doesnt truly help. its not worth it. maybe it gives some temporary satisfaction or release, but it doesnt Really help. its a vicious cycle you enter in many times, when you start disliking yourself even more for cutting and feel even worse, and then you cut yourself again over that...... i try my best to keep in mind that punishing myself like that doesnt help anything and that i dont deserve it, and i try to keep in mind that taking out my emotional pain or frustration like that on myself doesnt really help either.... long term, it will just make it worse - and is that really what i want?

its good to learn too, how to not put yourself down for cutting once you do it or relapse, bc that just leads to spiraling. it happened, its okay, it is what it is, no need to feel bad over it or start throwing insults at yourself over it...... its hard, but it helps to try to be gentle with yourself

...something else that helps me do it less too at times is that lol, i have chronic pain. i am already in pain all the time - do i really want to add more on top of that? havent i had enough of the pain?........sometimes when ive relapsed its been a way to cope with the pain actually, to have control over when and how i feel pain and to feel a different kind of pain but.... tbh, after doing that enough times i just got fed up with it. pain is pain, and most days of my life i have plenty of it to deal with anyway..... also figured out that if i cut too much, it sets my nervous system on fire and it makes my chronic pain worse, so that's also a reason to not do it

.... i also try to not keep things i can cut with in the house - meaning that if i Really want to, ill have to drive to the store to buy blades, which i think is a good way to give yourself some time to maybe calm down or snap out of it or change your mind. Theres times when the urge is so strong and i just say fuck it and go buy them, but it takes more time and commitment to do that. This helped me bc theres been many times when i would have very likely cut if i had access to them, but bc i didnt and i didnt wanna do it bad enough to warrant a drive, i ended up not doing it....... this also works bc i dont personally cut with knives (even with the sharpest knives ive never been able to do it consistently and properly enough to feel satisfying, and i think my weak muscles and joints make it harder for me in particular, so i cant rly use them), meaning i have to rely on either pencil sharpener blades, or actual razor blades...... sometimes i think its better to buy pencil sharpeners bc, again, they make it harder (you have to take the time to take the pencil sharpener apart and take the blade out, and these blades go dull a lot quicker than razor blades - so the first one gives you more time to think it through and maybe stop and not do it, while the other one means you wont be able to do as much damage for as long of a time bc it will become harder and harder to cut)......... i also used to, when i was younger, cut with shaving razors (like the ones for legs) but this is something i grew out of because i really dont like the stinging and way it cuts the skin,,, so; yea, i think not keeping a supply of cutting things in the house helps a lot of times

..... sometimes its the dissociation that helps me, but thats not really something everyones brain does. but you can try to think of yourself as, lets say, your friend - if your friend felt like how you feel in that moment and wanted to cut, would you want them to? what would you tell them, how would you comfort them, and what would you suggest they do instead?

idk if any of this was helpful at all, sorry, but yea;; i think a combination of all of those things have helped me to quit many times, and... it really does get easier to not do it and to not think abt it as often the longer you go without doing it. also, sometimes it does help to call a hotline! not always, but ive done it a handful of times (mainly for combination of suicide + sh urges), and there were indeed times when i came across v caring and understanding ppl which helped talk me down - so this may be an option to think abt. id also say if you can, calling a friend can be helpful, its something ive done too

and pls, if youre gonna keep cutting dont put yourself down over it, but be careful 🌸 always clean whatever youre using to do it before and afterwards with either soap or alcohol, always check if theres rust on it and never use something that has rust or metal of a weird colour, and after you wash them, make sure they are dry and store them in a place which is dry. or better - throw them out. always clean your wounds afterwards with warm water, and when youre able to handle it later with soap and water so they dont get infected. and its best to cover up deeper cuts so they can heal better with bandaids or medical gauze. and please please dont cut in areas where there are a lot of important and sensitive veins and tendos (like the inner wrist) - even if youre being careful, you dont want to take the risk of damaging something important like that. and please, if it ever gets rly out of hand and its not closing up, its too deep, or it gets infected, go to a doctor or a medical facility near you

.... and.. try to be gentle with yourself 💗 its really hard but its important. and if youre trying to quit, ask why it is you cut in the first place (bc pain calms you down, control, masochism, a way to get out overwhelming emotions, comfort, a cry for help or attention, self punishment etc etc), and try to find a way to work on whats driving the cutting in the first place, or to find a less harmful way to achieve a similar goal - i think thats something that helped me long term

take care of yourself and be careful 🌺 and if its something u struggle w youself, know that it is possible to stop and that it does get easier

[zarovich]

i think it's funny how someone will leave my life and i'll be like "oh god oh fuck how am i gonna live without them i want to die" but then like a week later i'm just chilling like "huh actually i'm happier now, glad they're gone lol"

[narwhalandchill]

guys im sorry i swear ill start talking more abt all the positive aspects of 2.0 soon but. welp

(firefly rant TWO!!! now with otto apocalypse. okay not even abt her lol its just ranting about misrepresentations of otto and The Memes being made. iykyk. but anyway. spoilers and all 🫡🫡)

so first of all i dont go there anymore so the lore details might be fumbled a bit but also like the actual fucking disrespect to otto and WHY kallens death had such a massive fucking impact on him when u act like the situation there is anywhere NEAR comparable to the TB and firefly situation in 2.0 💀 "oh its just a meme" well its a BAD one im sorry

like YES otto has or at least had some degree of romantic feelings towards kallen but that was FAR from all she represented to him??? like the entire point is that in ottos eyes over time as he grew more and more cynical ruthless and jaded kallen slowly became less of just. a human being. and started turning into the actual and ONLY personification of all good that is even worth fighting for anymore when it comes to humanity itself.

kallen to otto was the literal representative of hope and humanitys goodness. and yes that degree of idolatry is fundamentally dehumanizing towards her too and disregards her personhood but thats WHY its so fucking interesting. kallen was just a human being doing her best to fight for the people and do good yet ottos perception of her grew into one stained by obsession and defined thru blind worship because NO ONE ELSE but her could convince him there was jack shit to the world worth fighting for

THATS where his obsession comes from. THATS why otto went to the ends of the earth and beyond to resurrect her all the while knowing shed feel nothing but utter horror at witnessing how far he fell just for her. bc kallen has NEVER seen herself the way otto did. kallen wouldve NEVER wanted ANYONE to go through the lengths that otto did (KNOWINGLY in violation of her wishes) for her. because she knew better. but thats not how otto was.

in ottos eyes humanity became fundamentally irredeemable when kallen was first vilifed and sentenced to death and then died sacrificing herself for the very same people who were going to execute her anyway. humanity proved itself worthless by failing kallen. THATS his breaking point thats driving his actions the entire time after kallens death and why hes willing to commit all and any sins imaginable to save kallen. because in his mind for a very long time kallen hasnt been just a woman he loved as a friend and as an unrequited crush whose death crushed him just bc omg death grief sad uwu. otto ALREADY had a completely warped perception of the world when kallen was still alive but through her death it all just escalated and turned him into the actually insane madman maniac we know him as. and because humanity already proved itself a failure by betraying kallen as the actual messiah-figure she grew into in his head there was no price too high to force the rest of the world to pay on his way to saving kallen.

so.

is that what fucking firefly represents to TB to these ppl????? the irreversible shattering of the worldview of someone already teetering at the edge of a point of no return??? is "omg crush died sad 😢" how fucking shallow do ppl think ottos core motivation is??? holy shit

ok anyway i swear ill calm down now HSJSJSJSKSKSKDK but like DUDE theres a Reason i actually bawled when that mf died in hi3rd and thats BECAUSE he was so fucking good as a fucked up antagonist BECAUSE he was never omg entitled incel (btw. do ppl like. know kallen rejected his offer of political marriage to save her life when she was already due to execution and that he. completely respected it? like. he let her reject him even when it meant certain death for kallen. i s2g ive seen terminally online kallen f/f shippers on twt act like hes some cishet stalker and i.....😭 like hate on him sure he deserves it but dont smear his name????!??) or anything bland or creepy like that. his worship of kallen and who he built her up to be in the pedestal of his mind is so messed up and toxic and tragic (bc he Actually loved her so much?? beyond platonic or romantic? but in all the wrong obsessive ways??? like its so messy) and genuinely interesting in a way u dont see that often in fiction and im actually mad to see his motivations reduced to waa waa honkai beast stabbed kallen.

like EVEN if you enjoyed and were emotionally invested in firefly and TBs arc. (which is perfectly fair im happy for yall!!!! dont let my hater antics get to u!!!) but do NOT be out there acting they had anything like what ottos fucked up complex around kallen is and was at any point of his life please and thank you. this blonde freak of a man didnt LITERALLY defy the laws of the universe just bc kallen dying made him cRaZY 🤪 it was FAR worse than that. HE was far worse than that. i rest my case

[noisy-weasel]

I might be a toxic player cause I saw some juice on the overwatchtmz sub about a player leaving his competitive game because he got a Moira otp flanker and specifically saying he wanted to leave after the 2m timer so they wouldn't get a remake but the team would lose... and I sided with the leaver. Everyone in the thread saying the guy was despicable for wanting to cause a loss like man... your imaginary number for your sr ain't that important dude. If I had a Moira otp that doesn't heal but tries flank killing I'd want him to lose too. I wouldn't give a shit. It's a measly 10m ban for me. Besides. You can take it up with blizzard for not letting you lose less sr when you have a leaver on your team even though they know a 5v6 is never winnable.

[very-not-emo]

i relate to the first part of this but i don’t tend to let things slide, so i call ppl out if they’re being shitty but then pray they don’t respond bc if they do i��ll hate myself because of whatever they say back even tho i literally started the fucking argument

Rejection sensitive dysphoria is wild. Someone will be like “hey just so you know the thing you did was a little bit loud/uncomfortable/insensitive but it’s ok I know you didn’t mean it” and my brain will instantly translate “you should be shot”

[blasphamoustraitors]

Hum

[siickhead]

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