#bc i didnt completely fucking humiliate myself

[thursdayg1rl]

OH MY GOD CALL ME THE CILLIT THE WAY I JUST BANGED THAT INTERVIEW. king of maths. im literally like if euler was a beautiful girl

[homosexualmorelikehomiesexual]

admittedly it took me a couple rewatches to fully analyze it myself, but ppl misunderstand the rent scene soo much. farleigh was flirting with oliver as an equal, genuinely respecting him for the work hes put in to grift the cattons. until oliver ruins it by being presumptuous, trying to offer help via word of mouth despite only being there a few months, trying to place himself in a position of power and influence equal to the cattons over farleigh. playing white knight, playing white saviour, playing at being felix. at which point farleigh is completely turned off, and decides to put oliver in his place with the only weapon he has: outing oliver as a grifter. i love you, you pay my rent. this is your song as well farleigh, come finish it. if you insist. and immediately oliver has the upper hand again by ordering farleigh to humiliate himself as well, because *everyone already sees farleigh as a grifter.* even though he isnt. oliver doesnt have to insist, bc farleigh doesnt have the social leeway to resist. but he pretends otherwise bc thats what he has to do. play into the way people already see him. if you insist.

and then, still not satisfied and feeling paranoid now that hes shown his hand, oliver immediately goes and smashes a window, assaults farleigh with more power play bullshit, and *frames him for grifting* to get him thrown out of the house. when he didnt even have to fucking do that!!!! farleigh was into him as an equal, but oliver wasn't into farleigh. bc he wanted to be his idea of power. he wanted to be felix.

arguably, it was the same with venetia! she was into him until he got presumptuous, bc it shows his real grift. instead of being a poor person, pretending to be a rich person, pretending to be "real", hes an upper middle class person, pretending to be poor, desparately wanting to be his idea of wealth: powerful, generous, in control. which is so exaggerated that it shows his hand every time. and theyre bored by it, bc its what theyre already surrounded by.

[h5eavenly]

fuck is yeosang gonna break yeji’s heart now that she loves him? and is he gonna force y/n to be with him in exchange for keeping quiet about everything?

as much as yeji has been crazy annoying the last few chapters, i really feel sorry for her. tbh she’s the main victim in this shit show. like ofc i want hyunjin to know about the bet and everything bc y/n and hyunjin angst is top tier, but also if i was yeji i’d feel humiliated not only by the bet itself but also the fact that people knew about it and didn’t tell me.

idk if it was intentional but i think you’ve done a really good job of subtly showing how alone yeji probably feels rn. the only person paying attention to her atm is yeosang and that’s a trap in itself considering he treats her like shit and is hot and cold with his attention towards her anyway. she’s essentially in a lose-lose situation. and ofc hyunjin has a lot on his plate rn so it’s understandable that talking to yeji isn’t a priority, but i do think he needs to talk to her about her relationship with yeosang at some point. she’s his best friend and he also can somewhat tell it’s toxic relationship since he doesn’t live under a rock lmao. a bit of tough love is great and it’s good that he’s been telling her straight up that yeosang is a bad person and that she’s been lowkey weird since dating him. but as a friend he should also be there for her to seek advice from about concerns in her relationship, and not always dismiss it as simply yeosang’s a dick and you shouldn’t date him. but since he’s made it bluntly clear he hates yeosang and doesn’t want to hear about them she probably feels like she can’t confide in him if she needs to. idk i’m rambling but basically i think it’s completely fine for hyunjin to not prioritise her rn bc of the shitshow going on in his life atm, but i also feel sympathetic for yeji who’s in a manipulative relationship and probably feels isolated since hyunjin has been so dismissive towards her.

and she doesn’t even know about the bet yet so imagine how isolated and humiliated she’ll feel once she does find out. that she defended yeosang and damaged her friendship with hyunjin just for it to blow up in her face. ofc hyunjin will be there for her when that happens but i also feel like she’ll be mad at herself for not believing hyunjin and for ignoring the signs that yeosang is a bad person.

as much as she’s been a nuisance lately, at the end of the day she’s a victim of a toxic relationship and a bet she isn’t even aware of. 🖤

I agree with you yeji is quite literally the ultimate victim in all of this she got played and tossed around first bc of yns misplaced anger and now with yeosang's obsession AND SHE DIDNT EVEN DO ANYTHING SHE JUST EXISTED 😩 i feel so bad for her fr which is why i also have a soft spot for her tbh as for hyunjin situation i think two major traits that play part in the way he acts is the fact that he''s stubborn and strong headed he's the type of person that just needs to time to cool off and soften up so i do see him calming down and talking to yeji a bit later given he really cares about her and its shown a lot specially at the start where he was going head to head with yn for yejis sake🤧 with yeji tho i dont feel like shes gonna open up about yeo soon only because he probably made her feel crazy with all the love bombing at first and now being cold she isnt sure if its real or in her head which is so sad honestly :( i love reading your thoughts after every part i find myself agreeing with you a lot so thank you for writing 🖤

[mythiccheroacademia]

WHEW Baku watchin yn fuck herself into her 4th orgasm of the night just to make herself squirt and tighten up the way he likes it while moaning and growling in her ear sayin “shit keep throwin it like that and I’ll buss”

i hate myself <3 minors dni ❤️✨

you dont know how many times you’ve cummed or how long you’ve been pleasuring yourself, but all you can think about is bakugo’s fat dick filling you up impossibly full with every slap of skin.

it’s pathetic really. you’ve squirted twice already. you should be satisfied yet here you are, an insaitable little whore, desperately fucking yourself on him like there was nothing else to life. you feel so selfish bc you’re lost in the throws of your pleasure, completely oblivious to everything around you. 

the drool dribbling down your lips is humiliating and your sopping pussy is making such embarrassing noises from greedily sucking his length in, but you can’t stop. you won’t stop. katsuki has cummed once and you want to feel him cum. you won’t stop until you do

and bakugo is loving each and every moment this. maybe he was being a little selfish too, laying back and watching you bounce on him like a bitch in heat. he wasn’t doing much really—just providing his dick. you were just so beautiful fucked out like this. he could barely take his eyes off of you 

he didnt want this to stop. however, he was close. the urge to paint your walls hammered down on him with every thrust of your hips and it was driving him crazy

a growl vibrated the base of his throat before bakugo grabbed your hair, roughly pulling you back so you had no choice but to slam against his chest. you whined, trying to regain the friction you lost, but he grabbed a fist full of your hips before slamming into you at an angle that made you see heaven

“shit, princess,” he panted, voice rugged and raspy. “keep doin’ that and i’ll cum. is that what you want?”

“ah! yes! yes please!”

“fuck!” he slowed down, sensually swimming his hips into yours so you felt nothing but every ridge and vein of his throbbing dick. “wan’ me to fill you up? i’m gonna fill you up so you’re nice ‘n full with my cum, yeah?”

“’suki-i i want y-your cum!” you sobbed. “please!”

and ofc he’d give it to you bc who was he to deny his baby girl anything she wanted?

[faerielleart]

Hi sorry you don’t have to answer this! But I’ve seen you speak about LGBTQ+ and from my understanding you are a part? So I want to ask I have been dealing with my self identity and struggles and I want to ask if you can share experiences and how you find out since I think I am not straight to be sure… Thank you I hope this ask doesn’t put you in uncomfortable place.

yo anon hello!! 👋 no worries, i’m not in any way uncomfortable and i’m always happy to help if i can

first of all, keep in mind that not everyone’s experiences are the same and what i went through in my journey to exploring my sexual identity might be completely different from what someone else went through, hence take what i say with a huge grain of salt and know that everyone’s experiences are perfectly valid

alright hhhhh well my story’s pretty funny actually LMAO i think i already answered this some other time iirc? but yeah i started “having doubts” in middle school. i wasn’t interested in boys, i was genuinely meh in front of any dude my female friends found cute, i never thought about dating and i never thought about marriage. some people (my family) called me a “late bloomer”, my classmates secretly made fun of me for being “gay”.

thing is, i was obviously gay but i didnt know at the time- however everyone else did 💀💀💀 i was out there saying shit like “i wish men didn’t exist” “i wish the planet was only populated by women” and stuff like that on the DAILY and each time my classmates looked at me like 👁👄👁 and it was like the class’ inside joke that i wasn’t a part of. i was bullying victim unfortunately and i was the class punching bag 🚶‍♀️

one day, i was at my (at the time) best friend’s birthday party and all the girls in class were invited with some boys to her house. i remember we were playing truth or dare, my turn came and i chose truth; there was this girl who hated me with all her heart for no reason whatsoever and loved humiliating me while pretending to be my friend and i was too much of a pushover to say anything to her, anyway bitch started laughing and yelled in front of everyone “IS IT TRUE THAT YOU’RE A LESBIAN?????” and i was ,,,,, pretty much shocked. firstly i thought that was a dirty word, i had never known lesbians irl and i only knew gay men and i kinda associated lesbians with something taboo? i think i was maybe 11 or 12 years old but it was all peer influence, i was lucky to have parents who were never homophobic and never taught me to hate? so this “hesitation” towards this word was something that was instilled into me by my schoolmates who treated it as if it was something shameful and to make fun of. anyway, i told that girl to mind her own business and i was silent and sulking for the rest of the party.

several days later i was at the mall with my parents who asked me what was wrong bc i had been behaving weirdly since the party and i remember telling them exactly “we were playing a game and [girl’s name] asked me if i were…” and i didn’t finish the sentence. “if you were?” and i still was hesitant to answer but then i said “gay” in a really small voice and i remember getting super flustered and feeling so embarrassed?? and my parents just looked at each other and i think that was the start of everything lol in the next years through middle and high school i was so confused about myself i was refusing to label myself bc i thought i was “figuring myself out” and for a long while i thought i was bisexual. i used to tell my ex best friend about these doubts that i had and she was always a bit weird about it 🧍‍♀️

she randomly asked me shit like “do you wanna have sex with a guy? if you had a boyfriend would you have sex with him? would you suck his dick?” and shit like that and i always was so embarrassed about answering those questions? because my answer was always a straight up no, but i thought something was wrong with me if i didnt wanna do stuff with men. despite that, i still didnt truly question my attraction to men, i just went “yeah i mean all girls secretly think that men are ugly right that’s normal” for SO MANY YEARS LOL i thought everyone had the same experience??? i reached the point where i was 100% sure of my attraction to girls and i was forcing myself to be attracted to men as well bc “that’s the right thing for me”. i forced myself to be enthusiastic when my friends talked about boyfriends, i forced myself to pretend to have a crush on celebrities and THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING BUT LIKE ONE TIME I WAS WATCHING THIS TV SHOW WITH MY MOM AND THERE WAS I THINK ORLANDO BLOOM AS A GUEST AND I GOT THE IDEA OF PRETENDING TO BE HAPPY TO SEE HIM BC I THOUGHT HE WAS “THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MAN EVER” AND I SPENT LIKE HALF AN HOUR INSISTENTLY TELLING MY MOM “LOOK AT HIM HE IS SO ATTRACTIVE OH I AM SO IN LOVE WITH HIM” TO SHOW MY MOM I LIKED MEN 💀💀💀💀💀💀 I DID THAT A LOT IT’S LIKE I WANTED VALIDATION FOR IT i want to bury myself in sand thinking of this

anyway after an extremely failed coming out to my grandma whom i saw for the first time ever expressing disgust at the thought of me potentially being attracted to women i was terrified to do it again and i refused to tell any other member of my family. i still haven’t truly come out and i don’t think i ever will tbh even if i know my parents would love me and accept me regardless i still think of my grandma’s reaction and i start legit crying whenever i think of that

march 2020 comes and i finally accept that i am a lesbian. how did that happen? i was watching harry potter and i went “holy shit i wanna fuck hermione” literally that’s it nothing else. nothing else. that was that. that’s how i knew 100% i was a lesbian and i was tired of pretending i wasn’t. don’t ask me why, don’t ask me how but that’s literally what happened.

and that’s when everything started making sense tbh? like i just felt as if i had a huge huge burden lifted off myself for the first time ever? i said it out loud and i felt happy? the more i said it, the happier i felt? through the years i had always known deep down i didn’t like men, i was just pretending i was, comp-het was hitting me SO HARD and then finally i stopped letting it influence me.

what helped me was asking myself extremely specific questions after that to be sure, in the same fashion my ex bestie used to be weird about it when i “came out” to her. i imagined myself in really specific situations with fantasy boyfriends, i asked myself what i liked about men and the answer was always “nothing”, i asked myself “could i be capable of falling in love with a man?” and the way i was setting standards so high and ridiculous for any human for my “dream man” was the obviously negative answer to that question, i asked myself more intimate questions like “if it came down to it would you ever actually sleep with a man?” and the answer was always a solid no. basically putting myself in theoretical situations is what helped me finally understand. i had done that through the years and my answers were the same since the beginning, but i still refused to admit the truth to myself, until one day i just stopped.

and that’s my journey LOL it’s kinda pathetic tbh,,,,,, i could’ve been much happier with myself if i had just admitted it to myself since the beginning, bc deep down i always knew. would’ve spared me years of not feeling okay with myself, would’ve spared me years of surrounding myself with the wrong people who caused me terrible pain every time i heard them say lesbians are disgusting. but anyway, what’s done is done and i’m just happy now i get to be free and accept myself for who i am, unapologetically. on the internet. bc in real life i’m still traumatized 🚶‍♀️

i think questions are the easiest place to start. imagine yourself in situations, ask yourself how would you act and why. figure yourself out bit by bit and take your time to understand what you like. don’t ever let yourself feel pressured by anyone, don’t even let yourself feel pressured by the need of labels. don’t let anyone tell you your experiences are wrong or not valid, don’t let anyone tell you there’s a set way to explore your identity, don’t force yourself to do anything you’re not comfortable doing. if you need to vent, my dms are always open. be happy exploring your identity, there is no right way to do it. and remember that you’re always valid. 💜

[and-i-uh]

6? 22? Any other number you wanted to answer?

6- i dont have any stim toys, ive never really delved into that stuff, i was never really given the chance to explore stuff that would help me out with stimming and such. I also dont think i would like stim toys? Maybe i just have to try some but idk.

22- idk any specific songs i stim to. But ive stimmed while listening to mcr, and honestly i just stim to alot of the general songs i listen to. I really like singing along, i think thats a stim of mine, and some songs just listening to them is like stimming (anything with drums and/or guitars)

2- i like blankets a lot. Even if im hot and dont really need one, ill subconsciously grab the blanket on the couch and put it on my lap, and on my bed. There was one day i grabbed a pocket-sized beanie baby and put itin my hoodie pocket, and just knowing it was there made me happy. Also when i was with my friends one of them stuck their hands in my pocket and i panicked and like moved it out of their reach bc i was scared to get made fun of lol, it ended up being fine. I sleep with stuffed animals a lot. I think thats it

3- my school experiences were,,, not fun at all. Theres a lot to unpack there. My schools all had this thing called a “504 plan” or whatever. And it’s supposed to help people with certain disorders/disabilities. Mine only acknowledged my adhd as far as i know. Maybe my anxiety too. Some of the things that were supposed to ‘help’ were moving me to the front of the room, i got extended time to complete stuff (supposedly), extended time on certain tests (which i only saw on the act, literally i got no other extended time to do anything else. And after i got extended time on the act my scores shot up. Imagine the potential if i was given my actual extended time shit) and the meetings were hell. They started to have meetings with me in middle school, sixth grade i think. Having an administrator there, and my parents, and at least one teacher was terrifying to me. I think i cried every meeting. Honestly it felt like an interrogation to me, esp with all the damn eye contact and shit. My dad asked me if i wanted to continue it this year and i was immediately like fuck no nuh uh not happening. And whether or not I actually needed to be in the front of the room depended on the class, teacher, the people in there, but a lot of the time i would just be moved to the front and i would hate it. In eighth grade my math teacher moved me from the back of the room (a favorite seat in that class) to the front of the room in the middle of class for like a week. It was honestly humiliating and the only time i was eventually able to express my opinion on the 504 shit. Actually my freshman math teacher did that too. Ahaha moving on now before this gets too long.

4/5- three negative and positive things about being autistic.

Pros-

(1) i dont really have a chance to not have a hobby. Ive always got an interest to keep me entertained and i like that.

(2) stimming is nice, i like it, im not afraid to let myself stim. Makes me feel better.

(3) im unique and shit. I have a different pov than other people and that allows me to have different ways of thinking. I think outside the box ig. I also have this weird version of confidence and objectivity that I appreciate in myself

Cons-

(1) its hard to feel like i belong somewhere, bc im so different. Im getting better at it but im not good at getting close to people.

(2) i also like,, dont have certain permanence? Like object permanence? A lot of the time i dont really miss things/people unless im somewhere that reminds me of them. Idk if it’s negative really but its something,, even a spin, like bts, i dont really miss them that much until i do. Theyre still very important to me but yeah

(3) people dont really get me the same way other people get other people. And its hard for me to explain it to people. And theres certain people i get more than others. Its weird.

7- people need to give autistics a chance to be heard. Apply the accommodations you “give” them. Dont put them in the spotlight and give them space when needed. We are what you might call “picky” too. Eating, learning, socializing, we have our own things we need to be able to do shit. Learn them. Let us stim. Encourage us to learn about ourselves and remind us that youre there for us. But dont try to help us unless we ask or we actually need help. Dont trigger meltdowns on purpose, stop using the r word even in passing like its not a big deal. Be more than aware of us, accept us, appreciate us. Dont be a bystander.

8- i dont have much experience with meltdowns? I think? If i have i didnt have chances to recover. I had to go back to class or something. Idk how to recognize them in me either.

10- showering. Thats a big thing that even though i kinda need i forget to do. Except during school. I had a whole routine in the morning and i was super punctual. If i didnt shower i would be late, miss the bus, forget something.

12- meat. The way it feels. Disgusting. How do people eat it and not feel like dying? Same with lettuce. Spinach is fine but every time i try to eat lettuce I almost throw up. Bell peppers, pickles, vinegar, mayo, eggs usually, cheese sometimes. Just off the top of my head. One time i tried putting lettuce on my burger, was feeling adventurous, and after biting down i had to just take the lettuce off. Another time, my stepmom (newly married to my dad) made slads for us, and i was skeptical. There was white stuff all over the salad and she wouldnt tell me what it was. I tried eating a little carrot stick thing and almost vomited. Thats when she learned I cannot eat mayo. Even if idk that its mayo i still cant fuckin eat it. She forced me to eat bell peppers one time. Didnt go well at all. At all.

(Not gonna do the spin one bc ive already talked about them and if i do again itll be too long)

15- yes! I only do big stuff(?)(like yelling n shit) when im completely alone. Like if im home alone. Bc i get so loud. Sometimes ill hum in my room or sing to myself in my room though. Its so fun. As for phrases i repeat, ill repeat anything i find interesting. In a movie or song, or even something a friend said. One time my mom said the phrase “tough titty said the kitty but the milks still good” and i went around the kitchen repeating it until she got annoyed. Also sometimes something in the room will have a constant sound and ill like think a phrase to that sound repeatedly. Idk how to explain it lol. Idk if thats echolalia either

16- rocks. Typical i know, collecting rocks. But i just cant help it. I see a rock i like, i pick it up, take it home. I used to collect sticks. And when i was in elementary school, i used to pick shit up off the playground. Beer bottle caps was a favorite. Apparently the school called my mom about it bc they found my stash and thought it was from home and my parents were drinking excessively. 😬 oops

18- introverted?

19- kinda depends. Idk. I really cant tell wow. I would probably say hypersensitive. Just cause i have a ton of sensory issues and a lot of stuff bothers me. Like types of clothes. And how things are resting on my body. Yeah i guess i am hypersensitive.

20- i used to struggle with self love a lot. And sometimes i still kinda do. But in the past few years ive really started appreciating myself and trying to learn a lot about myself. Its going well id say.

21- empathy. Hmm. I think im very empathetic, actually. I can always tell when someone is feeling uncomfortable in a situation. And when i should tell people to back off of them if they wont say it themselves. And im very uncomfortable when theres secondhand embarrassment. And bullying, in something im watching or reading. Yknow, I actually cant watch mean girls. I just. I tried, i had to walk away bc I couldn’t take it. It also kinda triggers me so theres that. Bc of the bullying. But yeah im very empathetic. Otherwise socially im not good at that.

23- nope. Ive got like no support system other than tumblr and online friends. Apparently my dad refused to acknowledge im autistic and hes my favorite parent. Thats his big flaw though. And if i “came out” to him and said it myself he would probably come around. I know hes not completely nt either. My Opa has ocd, so nuerodiversity runs in the family ig.

While making this i got distracted and went on insta for like an hour oops lol

24- steampunk cosplay? Or college dorm tips? The steampunk one was freshman year, and the college dorm one was fifth grade. It lasted well into sixth grade and seventh grade.

[ilygsd]

010218: 4

im not gonna lie. after my adoption i’ve lived my life kinda good. my parents divorce was triggering at 10/11 but i still kinda… didn’t understand. i was extremely angry, i was extremely out of control angry. i hated my mom so intensely and i blamed her ptsd on her bc i hated how life was. but things started to change when my one and only best friend changed school. i wasn’t really angry, i was just sad and disappointed. and i stopped seeing her cus i was… disappointed. those years were shit and i was 13-15 years old. i hated that school. i hated the people. i was lonely and i was just trying to… hold on and until upper high school so i could start over. and i did. i got a new best friend i was so overattatched to her bc i didn’t realize that was a problem. i wanted to befriend her friend and his. rejection was probably my first trigger. i was 16, it was 2 years ago and i didn’t take it well. i didn’t understand why but i felt so humiliated and it made me angry. i hated him. i didn’t even know him. i never even met him. he didn’t even properly reject me, he just stopped answering my messages and for some reason i felt so inferior to him that i constantly had to hate him - a person i didnt know - in order to feel superior. i befriended her other friend though. we’re actually together. he’s my boyfriend, and has been for 2 years. my bff and bf fighted though. she abandoned him completely and i thought it was shitty so i took his side while she took her other friends side. we were still friends though but things got… weird. i felt like i was the only one taking initative in our relationship and since i knew she wouldn’t change i let go. things were okay bc i had another friend. BUT. we had a fight. i was feeling lonely and asked her and her other friend to ask me if we could hang. i did it well. i was considerate and so on. what i didnt do well was handle her rejection. it came as a shock. and i didn’t understand why she couldn’t just ask me to hang because well… i felt lonely and unappreciated. things got worse when she ditched me and started to hang with my ex-bff completely. i asked my 2 other friends to please, why can’t you invite me, but their passiveness and reluctant to change made me furious. so i started to guilt trip, i started to criticize, blame and obviously things got even worse. i was completely lonely and i guess i have myself to blame that bc i obviously didnt know how to handle rejection. i still don’t really think of them as very good friends but i do understand that i could have handled the situation a lot better if i… could. 

i was constantly angry, full of hatred towards these people, FOR MONTHS. my grades dropped, i didnt care about school, about my interests, i couldn’t think of anything and knowing that they could go on with their lives without caring about me leaving or me being angry, without letting my manipulation get to them - made me go CRAZY. i was suicidal and murderous at the same time. i wanted to kill. i wanted to kill them and myself. and the more i read, the more i understood that i was the problem which made me feel even more inferior, even more worthless. no one cared about me. it was my own fault all along and as everyone says ”no one owes me anything”. my friends didnt have to stay. no one had to stay. no one had to love me. anyone could just leave because thats apparently how the world works. apparently thats how everything works and i had lived 18 years without understanding that. i thought relationships were about being together. i didn’t care much about the reason i just wanted that intimacy with someone, wether it be a parent, friend or boyfriend.

in fact i prioritized friends more than romantic relationship bc when i got together with my boyfriend i still had my bff as my number one priority. i still thought of her as my TRUE soul mate. when things changed he became closer to me though and he became my only friend, my only boyfriend, my only… everything.

i cant imagine how much he must have suffered. i was extremely emotionally instable and i was CLINGY and NEEDY as fuck. he was my only escape. i wanted him with me 24/7 because it was only with him i was ”happy”. but he wasn’t enough and when he couldnt be with me i was manipulative, guilt tripping and angry. sometimes i was pushing him away but other days i was begging him to stay. i realized that i needed something else so i got myself something else. i got myself kpop. i've been obsessed with kpop for a few months now. you can go ahead and laugh at me all you want but i’m literally obsessed. it started as something fun, but now i can’t let go of it. i can’t stop thinking about it. i can’t stop consuming it. i’ve stopped sleeping, stopped eating, stopped doing basically everything. i’ve stopped being with my boyfriend and i’ve stopped caring. i’ve stopped caring about my bff, about my boyfriend, about my life. i only cared about kpop

so when i one day told my boyfriend that maybe we should break up and he said the same - i didnt really feel anything. i felt… like it wouldn’t bother me. and a part of me still feels like that. i don’t know if i’m physically attracted to him anymore for example. we came up with the solution that we would think about it. and the more i think about it the more it triggers me. i thought i didn’t care but i do. it triggers me so much. i can’t concentrate about anything in school. i can’t think about anything else. i feel exactly like i did after the bff-breakup and im afraid im gonna do something i’ll regret. i’m afraid im gonna do something bad, something manipulative and abusive like ”break up with me then, but don’t keep me hanging” and then when he breaks up with me im gonna guilt trip him. that happened once before. i forced him to break up with me because he couldn’t gurantee we would be together forever.

i’d like to tell myself that i don’t want to be abusive. because that makes me feel like a somewhat decent person. that makes it feel like im actually trying but- im not. i don’t know what im doing. i’m not doing anything. i’m just crying and pitying myself

[spockandawe]

So you’ve heard Spock is the actual literal devil

Have you heard that I’m a terrible person? A plagiarist? Have you been told that I’m only into transformers at all because I wanted to make this one random guy unhappy? If you’ve been told that, you’ve probably also been told that a year and a half later, I’m still making fanworks just to upset him. You might have even heard that shhhh, don’t disagree with Spock on anything, or they’ll hunt you down and harass you.

Right, okay. This is one hell of a saga that I will attempt to tell in as compressed a form as possible. It’s a lot. Years ago, back in HS, there was this one guy who policed the hell out of one of the character tags. I’m going to call him C. He’d pressure people not to make the content they were making, decry the hateful people reading with a malicious eye who thought the character would ever do anything bad (the character was a creep). And because being obnoxious wasn’t bad enough, if you didn’t cave to his demands, he just might do things like start whisper campaigns about how you support rape, casually out you as a survivor, cute little things like that.

This is not a story about that guy.

This is a story about C’s one-time attack dog, eventual boyfriend, and current ex. We’ll go ahead and call him R. I’ve tried real hard to avoid namedropping on my blog before, but could people find him from this? Probably. Have I stopped caring? Absolutely.

TL;DR, unsubstantiated accusations of serial harassment are a little questionable when they’re coming from someone with a years-long, extensively documented history of serial harassment and a personal grudge against me.

Cut for length.

Edit 7/2/2017: R has posted that he regrets making these posts about me, and admits that he said things that were out of line. And he’s stated that he’s going to try to do better in the future. I genuinely, truly appreciate that. I’m leaving this post up because there have been lies about me floating around for a while and I reserve the right to defend myself, but I really do appreciate that.

Oh balls, none of this makes sense without backstory (I’m so sorry)

If you think I suck or my work sucks, that’s fine! You do you, go enjoy the things that make you happy.

If you think I’m the devil because this one guy told you about my evil, evil past and all my terrible misdeeds, without anything at all to back up his words? You can ask me. I don’t bite, and oh lordy do I have receipts.

To be clear, R is totally allowed to hate me! I don't care. I don't care if he hates my writing, I don't care if he hates me as a person. But now he's escalated to spreading lies about me, and people are believing him, and I’m not enough of a doormat to let that just stand.

And I’m going to cheat a little. Here’s a memo with the cliffs notes version (not the original memo, I made a copy with C’s urls cropped out since he hasn’t attacked anyone in a long while). Warning, digging any distance into this turns up violent fantasies, violent sexual fantasies, creepy interactions with a minor, and lots more, it’s all really, really unpleasant. Evidence is thoroughly documented, please tread with care.

You would not believe how truncated that is compared to the reality.

Now, the worst of this came via C. Who has calmed down a lot these days, and I’m really happy that’s the case. Good for him. I hope his life continues in a direction where he doesn’t find it necessary to do this stuff.

Lucky for me, R was standing by to pick up the slack.

It doesn’t show up as much in the memo, which is mostly C-focused, but R was standing by C this whole time, defending his right to spread around private information about someone’s abuse history, sending nasty messages on the other guy’s behalf, and much,much more. it’s long, it’s awful, it’s unpleasant. R personally hurt people in some significant ways that I don’t want to link directly, for their sake. He expressed deep remorse a few times, but it never stuck.

Here’s my personal favorite quote from R. He’s speaking to the CSA survivor that C casually outed (with information given to him in confidence), and who they’d been running a long, long whisper campaign against, and who was understandably a bit upset over the whole thing:

oh go wank to your own tears [name]

#and get your sympathizers to help #nasty fucking people #maybe if you cry enough youll be able to go into second grade in the fall #ooc

Said, again, to a CSA survivor they outed and harassed. That person is such a sweetheart, and this screencap still infuriates me.

The first time I saw C pick a fight he had lots of friends. Shockingly, as he did things like loudly fantasize about how he wants to mutilate people and rant about how autistic people should die, those friends mostly drifted away. I know one person had a friend even help them stage a faux relationship-ending fight, so they could be sure they’d be able to completely cut and run from C. R stuck with him, though. Eventually they even started dating.

‘Spock followed R into transformers to harass him and stalks his favorite characters just to harass him more’

Then, transformers. Here, let me show you the first post (by R) that ever brought MTMTE to my attention. I spent years being aggressively uninterested in transformers, but this caught my eye

and honestly, ppl (adults too!!!) shipping someone who has the mentality of a child and is quite glaringly lacking a world of experiences and general understanding of things outside of ‘good’ and ‘bad’, with an adult, is just. very alarming and gross to me.

and honestly, the fact that there is a large portion of people who want him to become romantically (and sexually!!!) involved with either one of two fucking adults in canon, and hell, esp those defending it with ‘hes an adult too tho!!’ is really gross.

you can pretend all you want that hes ‘an adult’ because his body is, but theres no way jro didnt intent to code him as a child. stop fetishizing children lmao,

#pedophilia -/-/- #cygate -/-/- #if someone comes at me screaming ‘rule 38′ im gonna shove them in a locker

I didn’t know transformers, but I was pretty sure this was some straight-up bullshit.

(but don’t worry, he ships it now! no hypocrisy here, no sir)

It’s “really gross” to ship this adult with other adults. Mm. Given the reasonableness of the claims these guys have made in the past, and given their extensive history of harassing people over those claims, I hopped to the wiki to check it out. I read a bit about the comic and the plot, and all of it sounded so fascinating that I just had to give the comic a try.

Reader, I married it.

I shotgunned MTMTE 1-47 in two days, started doing fanworks right out of the gate, and I’ve never looked back. A lot of my art was cygate, because come on, the comic wants you to ship it so bad, my first readthrough ended with issue 47, and that was the first ship I’d ever read about for the series, even before I dove in.

Now, both these characters punch me right in the heart, in some painfully personal ways. Tailgate’s the more relevant one here, but I don’t even know if I could do justice to the emotions both of them give me.

I’m still not a fan of how R’s lies about me have edged me into needing to say this in public, but okay. I’m developmentally delayed. It’s been a rough ride. And Tailgate hits me in some of those spots so hard it just takes my breath away. I’ve got a lot of baggage over not being a real adult, and not in the funny oh-no-how-do-taxes-work way, more like an extended months-long meltdown my first year of college because I can tell that my friends are years ahead of me and I don’t know how to even start catching up, and just existing, as myself, is humiliating.

All of my relationship milestones have come painfully, painfully late. The whole thing is still one awful emotional bruise. I hate it, and I hate how easy it is to convince myself that yeah, of course you don’t actually deserve to be treated as an adult and you never will. Just look at you. So then it is unbelievably important to me that I can see someone someone who is like me, being treated as a legitimate adult, and being able to have an adult relationship.

Hearing that shipping someone like me is essentially pedophilia is the opposite of that.

But he ships it now, so everything is fine :)

Yeah, you know what? Another fucking receipt.

uGHGH im so tired of all the rabid cy// /gat// //e fans like even cy’s giving em a look like ‘leave my fucking child alone’

#i just #im hoping jro has some taste tho and doesnt make an adult date a child #and if not im hoping the outcome blows over soon bc im so tired of seeing people defend pedophilia #pedophilia -/-/-

Parental.

This continued even after JRO explicitly confirmed Tailgate was an adult.

Bonus ableism: shipping Whirl (another character who hits me way too hard) isn’t okay either. Even though there isn’t the excuse of ‘but he only lived three years--’ No, at that point, you’re saying that an adult who fails to adult correctly does not count, and isn’t allowed to have romantic relationships. It makes my skin crawl, and it is an issue which is very personally and directly important to me.

So some of my cygate was porn from the start (it’s what I write. it’s what I draw.), and some of the porn was made because I was upset over discourse that says someone like me needs to be treated as a child. I played with cywhirlgate too, because omg how could I not, and some of that was porn as well. It was ages ago, so I don’t remember the details for every little thing I made. But when I saw someone saying that Cyclonus and Tailgate had a parental relationship, I’m sure that helped nudge me in that direction. Maybe R thinks I should have channeled my emotions by starting a whisper campaign to exclude him from fandom spaces. But I think my way of working through bad emotions might have been a little healthier than that.

So when R accuses me of making cygate content to spite him? Half true. Just true enough to be real fucking dishonest. R spent a nice long time insisting that cygate was pedophilia. I channeled my outrage over that ableism into fan creations.

I didn’t attack him. I talked about him some – on a private forum, with people who’d already been aware of him and had been watching him and C hurt people for years, plural. I haven’t told people on tumblr any real details about him until now. And R still is happy to talk about how it was his toxic ex’s right to post torture/rape/murder porn vent fic about actual people.

Tell me, how exactly am I in the wrong?

Bonus pettiness: I posted some cywhirlgate porn. The next day, R vaguely whined about robot pedophilia and turned around and wrote some obviously-a-response cywhirlgate. Where it was super platonic and the text explicitly said it was super platonic and it even had platonic thigh nuzzling. With two “children” involved. Of course I turned around and wrote more fic of my own, because jesus h christ that made my skin crawl. You want to play this game? I guarantee I can write faster than you, let’s do this. (he did not follow through on that)

I’d also like to say that forgetting inconvenient little details like this is a thing with R. Hard to call me terrible for writing spitefic when you write it yourself.

A history of Spock’s personal involvement

Let’s backtrack a tiny bit. You may notice I am up to my elbows in this nonsense for no clear reason.

I was friends with some of the people C was taking shots at, and I was unfortunate enough to believe his original smear campaign about that one artist (I’m still ashamed about that). I cared about a number of people C was trying to hurt. I think one or two fanworks of mine upset him, but he already had loads of targets. I kept tabs on him and R, because anxiety is the gift that just keeps giving.

Eventually, C fantasized about wanting to put my former datemate’s hand through a meat grinder (ey wrote a fic that portrayed his fave in a negative light). And R defended his right to do that.

The person he posted about is still feeling the effects of that incident. I’m still feeling the effects of that. And it wasn’t even directed at me, just someone I care deeply about.

R has recently posted that ‘oh my goodness, C sure was awful, remember when he posted this thing about a meat grinder and how unreasonable it was?’ Thanks buddy, glad you noticed, now just go ahead and keep on blaming me for the aftereffects of what your boyfriend did, and what you defended.

After that, it was months before I could properly look away from either of their blogs.

C posted extensively about trying to track down the street address of his ~enemies~ (including the one whose genitals he fantasized about mutilating). He posted about how autistics should die. He had skype chats about wanting to do amateur brain surgery on people. All while posting very often about finding real addresses.

Yeah, it’s more than a year later, and every so often I get a stab of anxiety and have to head off to double check on what these two are up to.

I will repeat that C has been pretty chill lately. He’s got a career he’s aiming for. Good for him, go find success, please don’t slip back into being an internet bully. It’s sad and upsetting to see R echoing some of the early patterns of his ex, and it’s so strange to see me labeled as his own personal enemy.

‘Spock will totally come harass you too’ and/or various accusations of ableism

So there are some things I did in the mix in this history that I regret. Occasionally, I went out and flipped through the blogs of C and R’s friends, seeing if maybe they’d had said something in their notes, did they have any vagueblogs C liked, did they post about— It got unreasonable. I admit that. Anxiety was at the root of it, but it absolutely got unreasonable. And also it is a massive time sink, and I can’t remember the last time I bothered with it. I enjoy life much more when anxiety and paranoia issues don’t have their claws in me. This hasn’t been an issue in a very long time.

I came down hard on some of the kinfeels and system stuff too, which I do walk back a bit. C’s approach was… hahaha. It was something. And he was my intro to the kin and system paradigms. I saw R talking about C’s approach being unreasonable too, pretty recently. So that was an unfortunate bit of poison in how I processed the next people I met who did that sort of thing. I don’t do kin stuff, but I get it. And DID may not strictly apply to all systems, by the formal diagnostic criteria, but I’ve learned there are plenty of other dissociative disorders out there. And I met people who were multiples and who did kin things that weren’t these two guys. Which helped a LOT.

But the big one, hmmm. C wrote a fic. The idea was interesting, but the execution frustrated me. Everyone but the main lead felt so… flat. Everyone was constantly cruel to the main, for no reason. I saw a way to riff on the original text while staying true to its shape, and writing my bad emotions out is also a major, major thing I do to cope. Now, my big thing is that I should have asked before I remixed. I’d been thinking in terms of, y’know, transformative fanworks. Even with authors like Anne McCaffrey and Anne Rice, who fought against fandom, people have still felt that it should be allowed, even against their wishes. So I wrote the remix. I gave full credit on ao3 in the ‘inspired by’ box, linked to the original with positive words, the whole shebang.

The guy was still furious, and… that’s fair. I thought I’d written a thing on self-sabotage that was pretty sympathetic and compelling, and the self-sabotage actually drew a lot on my own personal history. But I gave the main flaws he strongly disagreed with, and I didn’t ask for permission. I get why he was/is angry over it.

I’ve been a fixture on their shitlists ever since :P

It’s remarkable, even while R posts now about ‘oh my god, remember how C wrote the creepiest things?’, I’m still the one who’s the the actual worst, for being skeeved out by the creepy things and finding a constructive way to deal with it. R’s controlling ex gets full freedom when it comes to vent fic, even when it’s about wallowing in torturing, raping, and murdering an avatar for a real person (the original one they harassed!), or punching someone in the face until they agree to be your friend (another artist these guys targeted). But R’s position seems to be that only C is allowed to vent (even if it’s genital mutilation fantasies), and I’m definitely not.

Oh, and R has now expanded this remix into me totally having a consistent pattern of stealing ideas and plagiarism and so many remixes that are obviously done as revenge on anyone who pisses me off. So that’s nice.

So R hates your writing. Is that seriously why this post exists?

Ha, no. Let’s look at the concrete things R is saying. Here, let me post a little sampling of evidence.

These aren’t just things he’s shouting into the void, people have responded saying wow, I never knew that! These are lies that people are believing about me. And then yesterday, June 30, 2017, he warned a friend not to disagree with my meta, or I’d come harass them. A friend I’m aggressively leaving out of this, just as I’m leaving out other responses, because these people don’t deserve to be dragged into R’s bullshit.

Let’s have bullet points. Some of these are the silly spock-is-bad-at-writing complaints. Those are here because this whole mess is pretty fucking depressing and the ridiculous claims make me laugh, but these are all things he says.

Spock is evil – You know what, he’s not calling people pedophiles, which is a step up. I’ll take it.

Spock is a plagiarist – I remixed one fic with full credit, said only good things about the original, and linked to it in extra places so that people would have extra opportunities to click through and check it out. I arguably remixed inappropriately, but that’s not the same thing. Words have definitions. If I’m a plagiarist, so is everyone who’s ever written a fanfic.

Spock is something something mean when people disagree – I don’t even know, man. I’m actually shockingly conflict-averse. Is this because I make walls of text and explain why I hold opinions at great length? I enjoy talking about a thing I love. I’m autistic, I’m hyperverbal, and this is my special interest, so is it that I talk a lot? That’s the best I can do. I’ve talked about things I disagree with on a private forum, in which case mister pot has had a lot of fun in public on twitter, not only talking shit, but also spreading outright untruths. Maybe he wants to rethink this one.

Spock will come harass you if you disagree – You need to back the heck down, pal.

Spock’s meta/fic/characterization is bad and they should feel bad – Hahaha, fite me. He won’t, because I can articulately defend myself at significant length, and his criticisms seem to stop at ‘spock sucks’, but hey.

Spock used ableist language about Whirl - I... what? This one confuses me and makes me laugh so it stays here. Also, holy double standards, batman.

Spock is only into transformers to harass R – I checked out transformers because I was pretty sure R was being disgustingly ableist (he was). I stayed in transformers because I adore it. I had to adore it a lot to make me willing to share fandom space with these two. My god, I have better things to do with my life than spend all my time on something that bores me just to annoy one asshole on the other side of the internet. I’d ask if he thinks I spent dozens of painstaking hours cross-stitching Starscream just to bother him, but….. yep, pretty sure he does.

Spock goes after all of R’s favorite characters to upset him – R latches on to just about every interesting and/or sympathetic character that shows up. When he was dating C, they covered most of the cast between them. I don’t care who R likes best because I don’t agree with his opinions. I tend to stay away from his opinions because I don’t like reading things that bother me. This is asnine. I’m only allowed to like the characters R despises, I guess.

Spock makes fanworks for things R likes just to make him see them – Oh my god, I don’t caaaaaare. I write about things that interest me, unless I’m venting. Say, venting about the way R and his ex have deliberately hurt a shockingly high number of people I care about. ‘Spock made rodistar because I liked it--’ I made it because I wrote a thing about their parallels, and shipping was the obvious next step. R isn’t that important to me. Promise.

This is just exhausting, man. The anxiety bugs had been dying down, and it had been ages since I checked out this guy’s anything. C, who drove the whole initial blowup that led to this, has been quiet and chill on tumblr. But R has learned from his ex’s old example and has been having fun spreading lies about me.

In conclusion

Some fun history.

R was 18 when he told a CSA survivor upset about being outed and harassed to wank using their tears for lube.

He was older than that when he defended C’s right to post about wanting to mutilate someone’s genitals (for the crime of saying C’s logic didn’t make sense).

He was older than that when he complained about that person’s spouse being ‘vicious’ for reacting badly to C’s genital mutilation fantasy.

He was older than that when he nodded along as C called autistic people retards and said they should die.

He was older than that when he talked about being happy that someone he disliked was triggered, and nodded along when C fantasized about that person drinking bleach.

And he was older than that when he defended C, his twenty-something boyfriend, against the thirteen-year-old that C had been having incredibly inappropriate conversations with, despite skype log proof and everything.

And despite all this, I’m still the bad guy, because I didn’t think what they were doing was okay. I’m the bad guy for being upset by C's actions, even though... R is now upset by C’s actions. The ways I responded to C were inexcusable. My only motivation is to hurt people. Every thing I did that ever upset them still means I’m terrible, even though R is saying this while he’s busy posting about how awful C is. And this all means that he needs to warn his friends not to catch my attention, or I’ll come harass them.

So, I’m tired.

I’m very tired.

I’m glad he’s trying to grow past that history. Good. Maybe he can do that without making up a story about how I’m unrepentant villain who lives for villainy and who only takes joy in causing him pain. I’m sure it helps him, because it’s a story that brushes aside the shit he did that he regrets, and makes his past less painful to think about. But that doesn’t mean I’m okay with him telling lies about me.

I don’t know why I’m the one boogeyman he has left (I kid, it’s because I’m in transformers, and because he thinks I’m popular. he harps on it a lot, and it’s weird for everyone). I mean, whatever. I’ve aggressively avoided publishing drama details on here for a very long time. But there are two blog tags, miscellaneous other untagged blog content, three forum threads, and hundreds of pages of skype logs with hard evidence of this bullshit.

I’m pretty sure that if he tries to defend himself, one, he’ll place some blame on his ex. That’s fair. C was pretty darn controlling and demanding. But R is still absolutely responsible for his own actions, and is especially responsible for the harm he personally caused. He’ll talk about how it’s bullshit to pull up all these receipts from so very long ago. In that case, his receipts for me (whatever he even has) are equally old, so aren’t they null and void? No, because Spock is the devil. And it’s not so much bullshit if he’s clearly learned nothing, and has gone back to spreading outright falsehoods about people.

To be clear, a lot of the lies he told about me were told a while back. Weeks to a few months to a year. I was letting it sit, because I’d really, really hoped this was over. Yesterday, June 30, 2017, he warned a friend not to publicly disagree with my meta or I’d come and harass them.

It’s been three years since I first saw him doing this. I’ve watched him hurt a lot of people, and I’ve watched him admit, multiple times, that he has hurt people. I thought he’d learned to stop following these toxic patterns. Apparently he has not.

Edit 7/2/2017: To repeat the edit up above, R has said he regrets posting these things about me, and that he's going to try to avoid slipping into this in the future. I very much appreciate that.

[kkinse]

to live is to suffer

to truly live, outside of just being alive, is to feel pain.

one big difference between people who are abused as children or grow up abused and people who are not is the ability to process pain.

it isnt about "having thick skin" or "withstanding" pain, and although having a support system does help, that isnt the difference either. people who experienced abuse as kids/teens have a distorted framework from which they see pain, and in turn, life.

i just finished watching she-ra and catra's experiences AND actions are a frightening reflection of mine. there is always comparison between people who grew up differently making the same mistakes (glimmer and catra) and people who respond to pain completely differently. (this isnt rly she-ra meta so dont read if ur looking for that.)

for well adjusted people, pain is perceived as a part of life. pain is a sign that you have been hurt, or that you have hurt someone (guilt), or that something is wrong in your environment. the well adjusted person is equipped with a multitude of tools and approaches in confronting their pain. communicating their feelings, asserting their boundaries, acknowledging that they have hurt people and learning from their pain. pain is a catalyst for growth - the crux of life. to feel pain is to live FREELY, to live BETTER.

but for people who have suffered abuse...particularly child abuse, because this is when certain ideas become prominent in the development of their worldviews:

pain is danger. pain is death, even worse than death. i cannot cope with any pain. pain isnt something to be dealt with; it simply is and i have no way to fight it. pain signals to my abuser that their abuse is working. pain signals i am weak. others' pain is my pain, but i cannot put myself in danger. i am helpless against my pain or theirs. pain is a weapon. to avoid pain i must inflict pain. to feel pain is not to live, but to signal that i am doing a bad job at surviving. SURVIVING. it is not living.

its the starkness of glimmer's response to her mistake vs catra to the same mistake. glimmer, upon realising she fucked up - bc her pain and the pain of others told her so - immediately did her best to try and fix the situation. catra spent her life overcompensating and surrendering to the pain, and did so again when confronted with her own guilt.

the recovery of someone like catra initiated with her first attempt to fix her mistakes (saving glimmer). it did not matter if it worked, or if it matched up to everything shes done, or her intentions - what mattered is that she went against everything she believed in about pain and living. all that follows is all centred around completely dismantling and rebuilding her perception of pain and her method of processing pain: the presence of friends, a tangible externalisation of her feelings (melog), and her own effort to acknowledge, OUT LOUD, how she has hurt people and confront them.

this made me think a lot to my own experiences and perception of pain... there is the same running away, surrendering, and over compensation. i paint myself as a bad person so people can stay away - so i dont get hurt. i reject people before they can reject me - so i avoid pain. pain, to me, is humiliating, distressing, and a reflection of my character. if i feel pain then i must deserve it. if i deserve it then i must be bad. if i embrace being a bad person, i can gain control over pain.

ideally id write something heartwarming about how she-ra changed my life and how i am learning to open up and trust others more and allow myself to feel pain... but i cant. catras ending is something i want, and that i have pieces of, but not completely. i still push people away. in this moment i have pushed all but one person away. i live, hypervigilant and sensitive, with the source of my pain. this isnt even to say i didnt try opening up - when i did i got hurt a lot. so much pain, until it exceeded how much i could cope with, and i realised i was barely keeping up my idea of a happy and healthy version of myself.

to live is to suffer. pain is growth. i hope one day i can accept these ideas fully and am able to live my life like everyone else.