#bc i could not go in tomorrow even if i wanted to
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i cannot find the post/tweet atm but that post that's like "[a] falls first but [b] falls harder isn't about [b] loving [a] more, it's about [a] getting so used to their (apparently unrequited) feelings it becomes the dull press of a bruise, versus [b] getting hit with a Feelings Realization Truck and immediately going completely insane about it. if they don't get to marry [a] TOMORROW they're going to start BITING PEOPLE" and i put tags like "this is tedependent. to me" and i am STILL THINKING ABOUT THIS. RANDOMLY AND UNPROMPTED. trent falls in love with ted first: and the love stays, but it becomes a low, constant white noise in his life, a background hum he can almost tune out; it's a candle flame burning gently in his chest, warm and constant but it still burns when he touches it. the dull press of a bruise. the resignation and acceptance that these feelings will never be returned, the love that asks for nothing and just enjoys being near him. meanwhile sometime in post-canon fix-it land or something ted's minding his own business when the anvil of Wait, Fuck, Am I In Love With Trent?? drops on his head with a loud BONK and he wakes up with a metaphorical goose egg and the revelation that wait, fuck, he IS in love with trent. so trent's over here with the slow, soft violins, fine with his little gay tragedy, because it doesn't feel so much like a tragedy when he's surrounded by a community he genuinely feels accepted in, and he's okay with the fact ted will never want him like that. and then in the next room ted is BARELY restrained from simply kool-aid-manning through the wall to propose to him on the spot. he's gonna start biting people and shaking them around like a dog with a chew toy if he doesn't get to kiss trent crimm on the mouth STAT. no but silliness aside really i can't stop thinking about that feeling of just accepting what the future has in store for you, that you'll never have what you truly want, that there's no hope, but getting to a place where you're okay with that, and then the love of your life/guy of your dreams suddenly is like "okay so i've thought about this long and hard and it turns out i'm like, mega in love with you. thoughts??????" i think ted has no idea trent's in love with him in this scenario btw. he's just hoping for the best. trent's his close friend and soooo beautiful and wonderful and maybe they could go on a date? (vibrating bc he cannot say he wants to spend the rest of his life with this man on a first date even if they have been friends for years) . what does trent even do with that. also if ted proposed to him he'd say yes
#the comedy and beauty of it#yes i am also thinking about that fic i wrote with a similar premise#tedependent#tedtrent#ted x trent#ted/trent#gertspeak#what even triggered this revelation do you think#funniest option is nothing. literally he was minding his own business and something in his brain casually went#btw we're in love with trent. anyway#and he was like HUH.#but also see: a) sees someone flirting with trent and gets insanely jealous and then is like hey. what. b) the classic 'has a fun dream'#and then wakes up going HEY. WHAT. c) alternatively daydreams about kissing him right there in the office
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why has working two days in a row started to do that to me again? i got out of work almost four hours ago but i cant move
#idk maybe my immune system is still weak after recovering from that nearly-two-week-cold#the first couple weeks of the school year were going well#i dont have anything scheduled tomorrow which is good bc it seems like i didnt have a choice#bc i could not go in tomorrow even if i wanted to#tales from diana#i wanted to eat after i got home but once i started lying down i just couldnt do it#i found myself doing that thing today where as i was rushing around the school i ws like 'idk how im doin this everything hurts im so tired#i suppose there's just a perseverance despite all the signals and the knowledge that i cant RLY do that#so there's like a mental fortitude to withstand a temporary pain which necessitates an even worse delayed recovery#this isn't just me working two days in a row but working two days for the first time in two weeks#since i didnt work while i was sick#'sick' as in i had that cold (and i tested three times & all were covid negative dw)#i thought i was starting to get better from the health problems i was experiencing in the spring but pls dont tell me god its still as bad#i feel like im either gonna die or become debilitated for the rest of my life bc medical professionals refuse to take me seriously#ok you know what. im gonna stop now so i dont cry byyyye
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Song of Oblivion
#ooough my poor cataclysmic bird daughter#she loved so much and destroy everything for it#she denounces existance because to exist is to suffer- and suffering is her enemy#not realizing that in doing so she breeds so much of the suffering she hates#several of the fallen stars only fell because her question spurred them into a self-absorbing path#and then... and then the one singular meteia that realize her folly... who could be convinced of lifes meaning#by seeing you continue ever onwards even with your dearest friends' deaths on your shoulder#by seeing how everyone accepts oblivion for another tomorrow- even if they had suffered so much. even if they wanted to die#no matter what they fought. they fought and died and kept marching forward even in death#they loved life enough to sacrifice it. how could she not accept that?#and the realization that the reason she came to the conclusion she did was because she was flawed- bc hermes was flawed#as hermes said- he gave her wings to fly but did not teach her how to tread the earth#she was given freedom to experience the feelings and emotions of the world- but not the groundwork to understand it#she could see. she could hear. but she could not comprehend#she has knowledge- but without context it gets misinterperated and warped#OUGH im going to scream. i miss her.#meteion#endsinger#final fantasy#final fantasy 14#final fantasy xiv#ff14#ffxiv#art#my art#xanders art#digital art#fan art
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I just realized that the scales of justice in TGAA look like a bow with an arrow nocked to point at where the jury was leaning and the most unique part of Ryunosukes character design is his archery arm guard. My other theory about that was mostly that it was symbolic that Karuma didn't belong to him, to point out specifically that he is not a swordsman but he carries a sword anyway since they're on the same side. It's not the weapon he was trained to use but it's the one he has anyway and that could be a parallel to his entire law career tbh.
for some reason, Ryunosuke's arm guard as an important part of his design despite not having any plot or personal relevance bothered me a little. It's the one thing that he keeps throughout costume changes that he has for both of the games and in his official art but it's not like being an archer is an important part of his identity. There's always so much thought put into AA character designs that it really stuck out to me, but honestly, maybe it's not that deep, and he just likes archery as a hobby even though he probably didn't bring a bow to england and still wears it every day anyway like there has to be something with that
#i want it to mean something so bad#Ryunosuke's design is so odd bc it is just a school uniform and the only thing that makes him recognizable is that arm guard and Karuma#like im not going crazy thinking that it's important at least that it could be#maybe it's secretly a wrist brace bc he has fragile bones or smth idk#character design is so fascinating to me and also frustrating bc WHY#anyway it is past midnight idk if this is even coherent#if you're reading these tags I'll reward you by revealing that I have a tgaa art piece that I'm posting tomorrow if that interests anyone#ryunosuke naruhodo#the great ace attorney#tgaa
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the bad: i have been raised without much warmth from my parents in childhood, but also pressured to conform to familial authority, doubt myself always, and value familial connections above all else (<- failed at this, and feel guilt about it.)
but also in experiencing this i have been so isolated from the entire rest of the world and others, that it will be nearly impossible to create my own "family" -> find safety and comfort in anybody else once my family is Gone. despite dis i find it really difficult to break away from the familiar, disobey and disappoint, because, well, why are my wishes more important than anybody else's. why would I cause upset and distress in anybody, and exert so much effort into my doubt filled half decisions, for my meaningless little Wishes. being away would also mean less time with these people who I'll never see again once they're gone. being raised this way is definitely paying off for those who did so.
the good: yaaaay adjacent inspiration for writing talon lore
#talkys#my dad scaring me but also giving me no advice on what to do instead only saying if i do this it will be the wrong choice leading#to more wrong choices well yep you got me i am scared. i am inept. i fear regret and punishment for wrong decisions.#i struggle to make decisions because i cant go back on them.#''ill never have savings again'' and ''you cant value friends over family they'll abandon you''#and ''living here is only a problem for you because you dont communicate. there is a way to work things out''#i wish i could work it out and stay i dont know why i cant work it out ! and what do i want#to leave so badly for... to continue to never have stable housing#never have savings again? be alone and in danger?#to be able to wear whatever i want and...buy things? really? that doesnt seem very worth it#nothing seems very worth it#im miserable here but maybe i'd be more miserable away...it is true#well at least the chances to leave are very slim. and will continue to get slimmer the more time passes.#but maybe its fine i dont want to ruin my life or be even more of a burden or reason for distress in someone else's#moving out wouldnt fix anything. wherever you go there you are.#my friend said i have to be a little selfish (positive) to push myself to leave. bt i dont want to be selfish. im ashamed of that as a trai#delete later#even now i feel immense guilt and stress when my dad does things that hurt or bother me bc i know ill miss him when he's gone.#(and ill have nobody after all of that. due to the being kept in a cage)#that sucks. why does everyone else always win. why am i always the weakest pliable one. i wish i had no emotions#my surgery is the only decision in my life ive been 100% sure on for years#and even then my parent's words had me crying and rapidly changing emotions daily until the day came#im not strong enough or sure enough about anything else to withstand More of that#<- and i know that tomorrow im gonna be like actually you know what who cares lets try to leave#and the next day ill be resigned to staying here forever#and the next day ill be like actually you know what who cares l
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transcription under the cut!
The worst ship chart ever.
Ship name: Loopdile
[insert very tiny math] Ages: 43 and 31? Age difference: 8?
Portrait of Odile with an eyebrow raised saying "I'm not telling." Name: Odile. Gender: trans woman (maybe nb but idrc rn). Sexuality: Aro lesbian.
Portrait of Loop with a finger raised saying "I'm not telling~" Name: Loop. Gender: Nonbinary (??? what is identity). Sexuality: Ace bi
General sliders. "Relationship starts quickly vs the slowest burn you can possibly imagine" is marked fairly close to slowly and trails off towards slow burn. "They'll be together forever vs They'll break up after 2 months tops" has two marks, one at 2 months and one really close to forever. "Cute couple vs dear god they're ugly" is marked a quarter slider away from cute. "Reasonably healthy and normal relationship vs They're dying and getting killed and hurt man" has a wide mark all the way from the halfway point to a quarter away from healthy. "Extremely popular ship vs literally no one ships this but me" is marked fairly close to no one.
Specific sliders. "Giddy and happy to be in love vs they just killed themselves 40 times in their head at the idea of being in love" has loop at died and odile fairly close to died. "The madoka vs the homura" has loop at homura and odile a third of the slider away. "Telling anyone who will listen about their partner vs rarely brings up that they're in a relationship" has loop a quarter away from telling anyone and odile fairly close to rarely. "eats and/or encourages a healthy diet vs eats dry instant noodles only" has loop at noodles and odile a third away from healthy. "crazy ass vs truck freak" has loop at crazy ass and odile fairly close to truck freak.
Tell me why your ship is interesting... go!
What draws them together? Odile is the only motherfucker that can handle them; Loop is weird and intriguing.
What stands in the way? Poor communication skills; Loop is clingy but Odile often needs space; Loop lashes out and self-isolates.
What are their good traits? They're both hilarious and dedicated to the bit; they're both devoted to their loved ones.
What makes them hopeless at romance? Odile is aro-spec and uninterested in romance; Loop both hates/fears and craves romance; Luckily they can just be something stranger!
Describe them with one trope: found family, deadpan x emotional, secret third thing, I'll protect you from yourself.
#suicide mention#these are today's headcanons... tomorrow? who knows.....#so. the weird sliders.#siffrin had a low grade crush on odile which. obviously didn't instantly come to fruition but it's not exactly a slow burn situation eithe?#and then during sasasap and isat loop's emotions about everything ever were. not doing great#they come out of canon a total mess#and odile's like ...i could fix them. NO WAIT IM NOT DOING THAT.#so again the thought is there and. a little more slowburn y this time. but only for a specific part of the dynamic#and then there's kinda a slow build of loop's new dynamics w everyone in the group?#and the thing with odile escalates into being a Thing#but again it's hard to call it slow burn bc there's no like. line to tip over into dating.#but it's not *instant* either#it's a snowball gaining speed downhill#ok next weird slider#oh yeah#they 'break up' fairly often as one of loop's 'this is 100% a joke and not my real feelings at all' bits#even though they're not dating and they don't actually want to break off whatever shit they do have going on#it's a way to express a need for change#BUT the whole family is in it for the long haul#and loop and odile's dynamic may shift over time but again. there's no 'breaking up' line#so they won't necessarily be [together?] forever but they will be together forever#and then it's. not an *unhealthy* relationship but it's not normal either lol#with a whole range of behaviors between 'genuinely helpful to each other' and 'lmao what the fuck guys'#ok those r the weird ones! the rest are obvious right. like ofc odile is closer to truck freak 🙄 but not entirely
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sometimes my parents make me want to commit violent crimes
#mine#sorry for putting this on your dash im just angry & have no one i can really bother with this#my brother said he wasnt sure if he wanted to come with us to a castle tomorrow#but hes too young to be home alone all day#so i went to tell my parents bc i sidnt think they wanted to learn that tomorrow morning#instead of even asking why they immediately started with the passive agressive comments#and in an annoyed tone going 'i just dont get what could be so bad about a day of fun with family'#first of all he didnt even say he wasnt goint#second shut the fuck up#he cant speak anymore & is crying#i offer him a bunch of alternatives while my father insults each one and makes it sound ridiculous#while my brother types on his phone#my father starts ranting at my parent about it#as if my brother isnt right fucking there and also 11 years old#im so happy he isnt coming with us#like yeah i never see him but the times i do are always so horrible that im kinda glad about it#he avoids us like the plague & we avoid him back#my parent is fine most of the time#but never in situations like this#if other people are upset in a way that inconviences them theyre shit about it too#anything related to not doing good in school also#and like im fine#im upset sometimes sure but i know i dont deserve this & i can deal with it fine#i dont think my brother deals with it very well though#so im very worried about him#especially bc i think high school is going to be a big struggle for him#possibly more than me#and tbh i think im more of a parental figure to him than our actual parents
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had an absolute shit day at work, got off of work, remembered lando and oscar’s beef, almost started crying, went on twitter, saw that they ate mcdonalds and played monopoly on the plane back to monaco, almost started crying again, no longer feel like shit thank you and goodnight
#no bc my day at work was lowkey terribleeeee 😍😍😍😍#had TWO people call and yell at me and the first one was literally so bad that my bosses and everyone else that works there was APPALLED#when they read the transcript of the call and said it was one of the worst calls they’ve ever seen#i’ve worked here for literally five days and three of those werent even me actually working and answering calls#so anyway that was cute but they all said i handled the situation well so there’s THAT#which. realized how much i actually cannot handle praise because i still feel a bit weird about that#anyway#got off work and then had literally twenty minutes to myself where i actually could be alone with my thoughts#and OBVIOUSLY ended up thinking of landoscar like any normal person would#and then got incredibly sad and felt a pit of despair in my chest#and then went on twitter and saw the article saying that they’re fine#so like. i no longer feel like actually blowing my brains out#at least until i think about landos radios and then i want to die again but what can you do#anyway. i have to be up at 8:30am so i will very much be going to sleep soon because i am Tired#and i really hope i don’t uave to deal with that entire situation again at work tomorrow because there’s a chance i will lol#lacey talks
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i miss her…
#cant believe i forgot about her till the photobook q&a im so sorry witch mona~~~~~~~#press f for honeypre atelier gachas it was gone too soon™️#(currently e x t r e m e l y worried and stressed for tomorrow like never before b u t i have to appear like im fine sobs save me monachann)#(can i go on a stress-prompted tangent here about something inane? no? toooo bad im gonna go off anyway~~~~)#ok so. like. since witch mona is the image i have up ‘ere and since it’s still 七月… today’s tangent will be on irl spooky stories!!#s o. presenting a decently repressed memory from my childhood that resurfaced while i was hibernating at home:#anyways. well. thoughts about the afterlife can vary from person to person yes? there’s no one true correct belief after all#but the one question that unites us all is probably the one and only ‘are ghosts real?’#and well. for personal reasons i think so. i mean i’ve seen this one dude i hate get possessed a couple of times so welp. cant deny it ig.#wild story about that actually. back in the day my family’s finances were allegedly doing so badly that [dude i hate] had to pick up#a *c e r t a i n* side hustle for extra cash. that side hustle? literal grave digging at the cemetary. at night no less#and *ofc* he wasn’t respectful about it in the least so ofc some spirits followed him home. yay. free roommates.#one(?) of them even took residence in my room at the time and im 80% sure they ate my history textbook :( much sads#anyways well once that guy had too much to drink (which was rather often tbh) he’d get possessed. fun!#the only possession i ever saw was the n-rarity angry ghost who’d just huff and puff in silence with unfocused eyes most of the time#he’d occasionally put on a leather jacket too. but that was like a r-rarity event that didn’t happen that often#my mother had the chance to also witness the mosquito (who tried to barge into my room for fresh blood) and the 姑娘 (self-explanatory)#which is kinda unfair tbh. i wanted to see the ur-rarity ones too :( mostly bc it’d be funny to see a guy i hate act ooc (impure intentions)#oh right. how did we get the dude out of his possession? we just shook his arm really hard. prolly caused some lasting effects but who know#i think he could also just sleep off the possession but idk i was asleep for the ur-rarity incidents.#cant ask the one witness of it bc i dont want to bring back unnecessary flashbacks of [guy we hate]#anyways it’s been years since we moved out from that place and i still want my history textbook back. mostly for the principle of it but—#and so that’s the tangent of the day. i feel weirdly less stressed now thanks witch mona#i do wonder how my grandparents are faring on this 七月 though…#b u t !!!!! tomorrow’s date on the lunar calendar says it’s an auspicious day for wishful activity and starting a new job!!! so… maybe~~~~?#hauauauauauauauuauaaaaaa anyways insane tangent over stream mona’s new album ok bye#oops forgor to disable rbs i hate how easy it is to forget to use this function man
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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Tomorrow is freaking me out
#incoming vent#vent#so im sure everybody has seen or heard someone talking abt having to cancel out parents/family members' votes#at least once#and usually its ppl talking abt their dad/husband/son/brother. like its usually the men in the house they're canceling out#and while that is a common factor#for me its my mom#i might not even get to vote this year unless someone drives me or i get an uber [unsafe on voting day] theres no way for me to vote 2morrow#and she says it doesn't matter if i dont vote this year bc ive never done it b4#not only that but my dad had to fill out an absentee ballot bc he wont be able to go tomorrow#mom forced him to bring it out to her so she could read it and see who he voted for and then critiqued him on what he voted#thats..just so fucking out of hand and unstable#the only positive is that mom messed up filling something out and had to cancel out her absentee ballot. and the new one didn't come 2day#so she cant give one more vote to that fucking asshole at least#but the fact im going to have no say in this election is scaring me#rlly bad#im terrified bc i live in a neighborhood where every house on every road has a tr*mp sign or flag or poster somewhere#and i don't want to live in tr*mp's world because i wont live at all#im so so fucking scared#elliot rambles#politics#vote
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#my mom hasnt decided about driving to Toronto#i told her i need an answer#ideally now. but i feel bad bugging her#she thinks i should wait and see if prices go down#and she thinks i shouldn't spend so much money on a concert ticket#and i agree. i dont want to. i think its insane that they resell them for so much.#but its my money. and i get to decide what this concert is worth#i was telling her the prices are going up and i dont want them to turn impossible.#and she kept asking how much are they how much are they how much are they#i didn't wanna tell her bc i knew shed judge me but i did. and she did#i almost feel like she thinks she'll be doing me a favor by not helping me get there bc i wont spend the money#but she really really wouldnt be#i was hoping i could buy one for tomorrow and just go by myself and not make it her issue#but theyre more than im willing to pay for crappy seats#and she said i dont want you to go at any cost and like!!!! im not!!!!!#i hate myself for stooping low enough to accept resale prices but im not spending all of my money#and i have standards for prices for where the seats are#i made the decision to sell my vienna ticket before the shows were canceled bc i knew it was thr responsibile thing to do!!!!!#i will not drive 12 hours to toronto by myself!!!!!!#im doing it at more cost than i would like but not any cost. and id also like to not be judged for it#and also. its so important to me. and if i explain how important it is. id probably get judged for that too#idk man. she said she's gonna look some now at Toronto traveling expenses#she didn't say she would have an answer by tonight#you would think if she doesn't want me to spend a crazy amount of money she would have some urgency about answering me#ig she just doesnt wanna tell me no.#idk. idk. idk. maybe i will figure out some way to go to Toronto by myself if she says no#maybe ill buy an even more ridiculously priced ticket for tomorrow#idk. ahahhahahajahahahahah
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i clearly really love my family bc i'm willing to watch movies i know i'm gonna hate just bc they wanna watch them together
#so it's my mum's bday soon#and she wants to watch a movie all together tomorrow so we can do something together#(we're also gonna make pizza)#and the choice is. between deap*ol & wolv*rine and l*ve l*es bl*eding#i don't wanna watch either. sorry. ugh#i am so strong for not screaming and begging them to watch something GOOD#i'm resigned at this point#i've tried before to suggest something we could all like - both them and me#and it wasn't like fucking mrinal sen cause i get that kind of movie that i like isn't for them. but like. the king of comedy. i think they#would LOVE it. but my brother refused to watch it and we watched a fucking lame action movie instead i can't even remember what it was#like come onnnnnnn.......... martin scorsese isn't niche. i'm not suggesting anything “weird” as they like to call the stuff i watch#pisses me off a little bc i know my brother always gets the last word and i get why but aaaaughhhhh if one time they'd just let me put on#a movie and TRY to watch 15 minutes of it at least. i'm sure they'd like it and watch all of it and maybe get something out of cinema#for once#this is silly to complain about i know i'm just like tired of always having to go with what they want and like when they make no effort to#do the same for me. lol#nico rambles
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i think about changing urls the way some people think of cutting bangs
#it'd be annoying to change links everywhere...#also then my site and itchio would be mismatched with my tumblr#changing my tt url from sth name based to a annihilation reference felt so fucking good#but that's an account i don't link anywhere so nothing broke#i came up with this guy bc i (age 15 or so) wanted sth a little more professional for my devart#and now im stuck with it...#it's literally not that deep tho i could very well find something new#^ doesn't even change their avatar#i think i'd go with sth like 'tower304'. i'm digging numbers#i feel number urls are the most resilient of all#i guess i could also go with torreinvertida i like that one a lot and j think yall can deal with a portuguese url#i think i'll microdose by changing my flight rising url lol#edit: im now towerofbabel over at fr. forgot about updating pinglists tho#well thats done#btw i need to wake up at 7 tomorrow. yay for 4 hours of sleep#at least i can sleep on the bus
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...
#love that my body decided to incapacitate me the weekend before i have to read 5 different papers for classes#and it would b one thing to just read them but no for 3 of them i have to give detailed interpretation and 1 i have to present on#ive already failed to read one bc i forgot we had to do 2 papers for monday. oops. not that i could have done it anyway. i barely got 1 done#and im on track to fucking up the one due Tomorrow as well#im just fucking tired of reading fucking chemistry driven papers that i dont understand no matter how many times i read them#and everyones like oh itll get easier but no it fucking wont bc i cant fucking read right#its so fucking frustrating. why do i even bother? im so tried#i don't even have the paper im supposed to present on so ill have to do it all tomorrow. cool. great. not that i could do it today anyway#im just. this is gonna b a difficult week#and i misused my whole day by doing extractions bc i scheduled my training a week ago when i thought i would b fine over the weekend#nope. its fucking bullshit. this is y im like. y do i even want to b in academia?#how could i b a prof if i cant read well? its fine to b dyslexic as a math person but im like i have to read so much and so little gets thru#but then what the fuck else am i supposed to do? idk. im just gonna write down something for all these questions and go tf to sleep#ill get up at some horrible time in the morning to finish this. damn the consequences. ill see my therapist tomorrow anyway#and meet with my advisor like 🤪 yo guess what i made zero progress this week#sorry u got stuck with me while im going thru a year of fucking health problems#but whatever cant get rid of me now im already here. here and tired and i wanna go to bed#unrelated
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man if i had the engergy to write fics. the things id do to fiddleford.. oh man the things id do..
#to me hes very; incredibly repressed gay man who was definitely very in love with ford in college then proceeded to get married to a woman#so he would stop thinking about it because him and ford were just 'college buddies' and 'only kissed a few times when they were really#intoxicated and isnt that a funny story haha' so the first chance he got he just convinced himself he was in love with his wife#because thats what he was supposed to do hes supposed to get married and have kids and provide for his family thats#how its supposed to be- and i do think he loves his family and loves his wife like they were probably friends before getting married#but then ford calls him up again after so long and he just drops everything to *be there for him* like not even because he wants to do it#for science he wants to do it for *ford* and then time goes on out there and the feelings resurface#and i like to think that when the fight he had with his wife over the christmas present that was the moment he finally realized#that hes just been in love with ford this whole time or at least that he wants to go back to him so bad that he just gets on the last plane#back to gravity falls and goes back to ford and as things get worse he just starts breaking down because hes thinking he wasted his whole#life that hes married he cant go back now probably also a lot of internalized homophobia just having the worst time while#fords off with his little triangle bf and starts getting a little colder towards him near before he left and so#after all that after the portal test hes just completely shattered even without the memory gun bc hes just like i ruined my life i think my#wife hates me and ford is just acting insane he wasnt like this before and i did this all for him this could be the end of the world#and so then just a couple of zap zap zaps later and hes old man mcgucket local cook haha! anyway yeah i have to#do some of my physics homework tomorrow its due Tuesday
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