#bc i clearly didn't know when to stop and i was ruining my health over it

[icharchivist]

this is so funny finding this back i REALLY WENT THROUGH THIS HUH. 

and oh boy i’m just remembering this was before Kniroun. I ranked up for Kniroun also (top bracket) and i got carried in a high of “i could do it for Kniroun i could do it for ever” and after that i was constantly at least in the 3% top player in all the events that followed, going harder for events i cared about, so by the end of the server i was running on fumes and sleep deprivation.

but at the time of this event, the only events i had ranked up for were Sardines Search, Captain Sky’s Pirates, Nocturnality and this specific Vday event....

it’s so funny seeing me beg for the sweet relief of sleeping forever a few months before i went pro gamerz on this, man. Man....

hisoka event is over at fucking last. sleep. sleep i missed you so much let's get back together.

[prismatoxic]

fucked up so hard in a social setting today that i had to straight up leave the entire internet to try and deal with the ensuing panic. set do not disturb on both discord and phone before watching devot play through the otacon intro/gray fox fight in mgs1 again.

and i'm still panicking. bc it did not blow over, which... i didn't think it would but i guess i was hoping maybe i was too out of it in panic to correctly assess the situation. no, i got it mostly right... no one seems mad at me specifically because i wasn't the only one involved, but they are mad. and i am having real trouble figuring out what is a likely outcome of this versus what my terrified brain thinks makes sense as an outcome.

i apologized to the best of my ability once i came back and tried to explain my avoidant actions immediately following the encounter. no one's responded yet but it is 1am here.

i have a really fucking long history of messing up socially and then having a bunch of cascading results occur that involve things like being mocked for my attempt at an apology, losing friends, losing my place on a team, staining my reputation within a community, etc etc etc. regardless of whether that was all deserved every single time, i am the sort of person who assumes blame as it is, and because of these past events i then react wildly disproportionately to feeling like i did something wrong.

and the RSD is there too. that's not helping.

as you can imagine all of this makes taking accountability for my mistakes very hard! i am very clearly panicking and presumably feel shame and/or guilt, sure, but people in the past have assumed all of this was like... for my own benefit? like i was being attention-seeking or trying to incite pity. so add that to the pile of past experiences fucking up my ability to be normal about this sort of situation. i feel like if i am too publicly upset that i'm giving off the idea that i'm more worried about myself than the person or people i slighted. which simply isn't true--i am so upset BECAUSE i slighted someone. because i've potentially ruined a relationship of some kind. yes i am terrified of the consequences but everything ties back into remorse. i'm not capitalizing on a bad situation to try and make people feel sorry for me. i am genuinely just having a panic attack.

i'm well aware that the situation isn't about me once i've hurt someone but that genuinely does not make the panic stop. and you'd be surprised how hard it is to calm down from that sort of thing when you feel like at any moment, everything is going to fall down around your ears in response. i got pinged twice to the associated server immediately following the event, both times general or admin pings that had nothing to do with the situation, and both times my panic spiked so sharply that it made me concerned for my health.

none of this is normal or productive and i am well aware and i will... probably call my therapist back on monday to schedule an appointment bc holy shit, lmao. this sucked, not just for me but for the situation as a whole, which i should have handled with more grace.

i am still waiting for more consequences. like getting booted from the admin team or being blocked by the other admin i upset or, idk, something unforeseen but equally terrible. idk how likely any of that is. idk what's a normal response to this situation. my brain won't let me conceive of anything logical while i'm like this.

and like, my trauma is not the responsibility of the person i hurt. so in my apology i did not bring any of it up bc it's irrelevant. i tried to apologize as sincerely as i could while also avoiding trying to make excuses. i don't know if it's going to matter. i cannot fathom a world in which it's good enough.

how do you ask for reassurance in a situation where you're the one at fault, anyway? do you even deserve it at that point? i promise i wasn't being malicious. i thought i remembered something and made the wrong call on whether or not to bring it up, and then didn't nip the ensuing conversation in the bud when it immediately went off the rails. which i should have done bc i'm a server admin. i should have recognized the fucked up nature of the topic at hand before someone pointed it out to me. but i genuinely was not trying to be malicious. does that count for something?

this isn't the first time i've made mistakes in this server. it's at least the third time, but i think there might have been at least one more instance. i have been trying to be useful lately but i never feel like i'm pulling my own weight and if they decided to ax me from the team i'd get it. it would suck and my RSD would absolutely flay me alive over it but i would get it.

i don't know. i don't know how to emotionally handle this sort of situation and that impacts my ability to handle it at all. i'm not fit to be an admin of anything. i'm not fit to have power over anybody.

i'm going to get some food and try to draw or something.

[chaoticevilbean]

Another Star Wars AU, TBN*

*To-Be-Named

I love time travel. A lot. So here is a time-travel au, with the CW trio.

Somehow, perhaps by touching a Sith artifact, perhaps by the Force deciding they should, perhaps from some sort of weird ritual the locals were performing that the trio didn't know about, Obi-Wan, Ahsoka, Anakin, Rex, and Cody travel aback in time.

[Please keep in mind that Canon Timeline has died tragically in a fire, and I am but the weeping widow with an inheritance.]

Due to whatever happened, they all also end up (technically) deaging. They still have their memories and their knowledge and skills, just stuck in smaller bodies. They can think and act like adults, but they also have to struggle a bit more to implement Older Skills in Younger Bodies.

Ahsoka is 2. She's nubby. She's emotional. She's tired and sore from her deaging.

She wakes up in someone's office. She's in a spinny chair, a big one with leather padding. It's kind-of chilly in the room.

She's not thinking, because all her brain is putting together is that she's still tired. She grabs the jacket off the back of the chair and pulls it over herself. She goes back to sleep.

Rex and Cody wake up together.

They are their actual age, which is to say they're both about eleven.

They find themselves on Mandalore. In the more wild areas.

(let me believe that there are parts of the planet that aren't covered in city)

(also, this is the Mandalore in the cartoons)

They find a teen trying to wake them both up. Rex has absolutely no clue what's going on. Cody has a vague idea, because this girl looks very similar to a picture he once saw...

Obi-Wan does not fare as well. He is 3.

He wakes up in someone's arms. He's just as tired and sore as the other three. However, he's also got more awareness because he's in someone's arms.

He looks up to see who's carrying him.

He looks around at the people walking with them.

He starts crying. He cannot help this, as he is suddenly flooded with Emotions, and he is Smol. Smol = harder to handle Emotions.

Because Qui-Gon is walking right next to him, tapping away on a holopad as they go. Dooku is on his other side, on a comm call where both parties sound very tired.

And Obi-Wan is being held... by Obi-Wan.

So, yeah, not that great for a suddenly Smol Obi.

Now, Anakin is 8, so he's better off in that perspective.

But he wakes up on some remote planet without anyone around. He just was in the middle of a group, so he ends up kinda panicking.

Then he hears something coming towards him, and he panics more.

He's Tiny! He's Smol! He's massively at a disadvantage against attacks! He can't fight off whatever is on a planet like this!

It's Mace (and Depa).

Anakin, however, doesn't realize this. He has gone Feral.

Back to the beginning

Jango Fett has been very busy w/Important Mand'alor Paperwork all day. He finally has time to go and relax a little, and he makes it all the way down to the exit before he realizes:

It is really cold outside. He is not in armor bc he was planning to only do paperwork today (though he still has many weapons). When one plans to stay in the same room for almost the entire day, one does not wear normal garb.

That said, he has no protection from the cold. He forgot his jacket upstairs. He rushes back up to his office.

He distinctly remembers that he left the jacket on the back of his chair, not on the seat.

He also is wondering what that lump is.

He arms himself, grabs some of his "emergency" armor plating, and walks over to the chair.

He lifts his jacket up, expecting a bomb or some paperwork that fell off the desk, or something logical.

He does not expect to find a tiny Togruta child clinging onto the fabric, whining as they're woken up by his yanking of the jacket.

Jango's brain stutters for a moment, then he kicks into action.

First things first, he wraps the jacket around the Togruta. They thankfully stay asleep. Then he turns up the heat, because he knows the office has gotten colder in the twenty minutes or so he's been gone, and Togruta are from warm temperate zones.

He decides to call, in this order, a guard who can help him watch the Togruta (they did break in, after all), a medic to check the Togruta’s health, and the first person he can find in his contacts that might know an adult Togruta.

Next group

Rex and Cody manage to get the teen to stop fussing over them for long enough to ask for her name.

Her, clearly lying, but that’s understandable: My name is Ine.

Cody, who knows exactly who this is now: Oh, kriff. You’re Duchess Satine, aren’t you? Kriff.

Rex: Wait, Satine? As in the General’s Satine?

Satine, now very suspicious and reaching for her stunner: I think you need proper medical attention.

Cody, looking down at their eleven-year-old selves: Yeah, I think so, too.

They agree on one thing, at least.

Next

Obi-Wan is crying. Loudly, uncontrollably, w/too many Emotions to even care that he’s supposed to be an adult rn.

Other Obi-Wan is very uncomfortable, bc he doesn’t know how to handle children too well.

They found this kid unconscious in the middle of a ruined, abandoned town.

Obi-Wan was meant to hold this kid while Qui-Gon did research and Master Dooku tried to convince the Council that it was entirely necessary to bring the kid back to Coruscant. Granted, they can still give the child to the locals at any time before they make it back to their ship, but apparently the Force is Being Loud.

The Force was Being Loud when it told Master Dooku to come along.

The Force was Being Loud when it led them to that town.

Qui-Gon and Dooku have argued fifteen and a half times on this mission, and an additional six times on the flight here. Obi-Wan is trying to mediate but also doesn’t want to overstep. The Force is Being Loud, sure, but the kid is also Force-sensitive so it might be something off that.

He didn’t argue with holding the kid bc he thought that it was better than being caught between the Masters.

Holding a crying child and trying to get two adults to stop arguing bc they can’t decide how to comfort the kid is not better.

Obi-Wan keeps walking past them to the ship with this baby. He does what he’s seen some crechemasters do to the younglings. The kid eventually calms a little, and he belatedly realizes that both Masters are still behind him, not with him.

NEXT

Anakin is panakin.

He is currently in a state of Feralness. His instincts have kicked into overdrive, full-on Survival Mode.

Depa and Mace do not know this. All they know is that there was suddenly an extremely powerful Force presence that started fading quickly (bc Anakin started shielding).

They burst into sight of Anakin and are suddenly attacked by all four feet and some of Feral Force Child.

It’s all they can do for a good minute or so to avoid losing their fingers, eyes, or untorn clothes.

Mace puts a few things together very quickly.

This planet is uninhabited by any sapient life. Therefore, this child is utterly alone. This child also is clearly strong in the Force, and knows how to hide their presence, for whatever reasons. Mace is a Jedi, and therefore is bound by certain duties.

He decides it is his Duty to get this kid back to Coruscant safely.

Back to the beginning

Ahsoka wakes up to find a familiar face looking down at her. She’s still tired, but not as much. She’s very aware of her size, and does a few quick observations.

She does not fully know who Jango Fett is. She does know that some clones run off bc they hate war and weren’t given a choice an- no. Not going down that path yet.

Ahsoka assumes, semi-incorrectly, that she was shrunk or deaged and somehow found by a rogue clone.

She knows it’s a rogue clone bc they’ve got weird armor.

So she does the logical thing and tries to comfort this clone bc he looks really worried and kinda panicked. She stands up on the spinny chair and tries to balance and he practically lunges to help her and she can’t help but giggle, but it comes out in a bunch of chirps instead.

The clone picks her up and looks really awkward so she pats his face bc that’s the best she can do bc she doesn’t want to disprove the fact she’s two yet.

For all she knows, this rogue clone has no idea she’s actually a Commander in the GAR.

He doesn’t, but for different reasons than she thinks.

NEXT

Rex and Cody go with Satine to the city. They have introduced themselves and said that they were separated from their aliit. They don't know where said aliit is.

Satine is highly suspicious by this point, bc these two kids recognized her with only part of her name, and they were alone, and they speak Basic with Mando'a thrown in.

Basically, she thinks that they're children of people like Death Watch, but she's too young to know that Death Watch isn't really into children.

Rex and Cody get checked over by a medic, but also start trying to get access to some working comms. They are refused on account of being suspicious children (which makes them a little upset bc they're not children)(Well, they are, but not those types of children)

They have not yet figured out that they are in the past, bc Cody and Rex only know that General Kenobi talks about Duchess Satine, and they know about Padme Amidala from General Skywalker, so clearly this Duchess is really young and the General simply viewed her as someone he wants to protect.

They are very very very wrong.

NEXT

Obi-Wan manages to calm himself somewhat now that it's just him and... him.

He is three, and he knows roughly what's happening, so he knows he should probably act like a 3yo.

Unfortunately, he has very little understanding of how child ages work. 3 is smart enough to go up the stairs and communicate with adults, but def. not old enough to speak sentences that are 15 words long with at least 2 5-syllable words.

Fortunately, his older (younger?) self doesn't know children either.

So when this 3yo starts telling him that he needs to leave the two Masters on the planet and head to Tatooine really fast, Obi-Wan is more concerned about the idea than the strangeness of "this is a 3yo suggesting this".

Obi-Wan is really good at convincing people. Including himself. He manages to get Padawan Kenobi to leave supplies where the ship is supposed to be and head towards Tatooine.

He says that the Masters will be fine, they know how to survive, and they need to be alone together in order to work through all the tension. Plus, it gives them plenty of time to talk to the Council.

Toddler Kenobi also tells himself that he'll take the blow and say he used a mind-trick.

Padawan Kenobi doesn't believe him yet, but Toddler Kenobi smiles like a very smug adult and says "you'll get there eventually". What he truly means is up in the air.

NEXT

Anakin, since waking up, knows much less than everyone else. Which is saying something.

He knows he's Smol. He knows he's Alone. He knows Someone has come and they are Strangers.

One thing about Anakin's instincts is that they are very much Survival Based. He was Feral when he joined the Jedi, only he had to hold those instincts back for most of his life bc of being a slave.

A slave cannot bite someone who approaches and Vibes Wrong.

By the time he felt okay with being Feral Out Loud, he also felt safe enough that he didn't need to activate his Survival Mode.

What I'm trying to say is that Anakin does not realize how strong his Feral Instincts are. He has absolutely no control over them rn.

When Mace decides to Help this child, this child is trying to Maul them.

Mace makes a small ruckus to draw Anakin's attention to him so Depa can move back. Depa pulls out her saber now that she won't hit the kid. The kid notices Purple and Bright and Lightsaber.

Lorge Jedi Mind says this is Good. Safe. Jedi.

Smol Feral Brain says this is Dangerous. Mean.

Anakin freezes on sight and just starts tracking Depa's saber. She does one of those things where a snake or something is focused and the person waves the fire or the food slowly to make sure the wolf is watching it and usually they toss the thing away so the snake follows it.

Mace instead takes this opportunity to wrap Anakin in his cloak. And Depa's cloak. And the spare ones in their bags.

Feral Child is not happy with this. Feral Child is also unable to scratch or Maul or do things other than bite and snarl.

Depa carries Feral Child while Mace comms the Temple and they walk back to their ship.

The Temple is having a field day.

First, one of their Shadows reports that a well-known bounty hunter got an emergency message from a pal of theirs that said Jango Fett needs help learning Togruta childcare.

Then they get a call from Dooku, which is not the mission report they wanted.

Yoda: Mission report, you have?

Dooku: Of a sort. We successfully spoke with the locals, then went to investigate a rather large disturbance.

Mundi: A disturbance?

Dooku: We found the source to be a Force-sensitive child.

Mundi: So you are here to ask for more time on the planet?

Dooku:...

Yoda: Bring the child back, you wish to?

Dooku, unapologetic: He is of an acceptable age to be admitted into the Temple, and no other beings were around at the time to entertain the idea of there being guardians.

The Council is sighing and muttering bc this is a Disaster Lineage (and they haven't even met the other two yet). Their call is interrupted by the sound of crying and Dooku saying the child's woken up.

Then there's another Shadow who sends a message saying a set of twins that seem like Death Watch were found by the heir of Clan Kryze.

Finally, to top everything off, they get a call from Mace Windu and Depa Billaba. Two very dignified, not-at-all chaotic Jedi from a perfectly respectable lineage.

Yeah, most of the Council and the Order itself forgets that Yoda had a hand in raising Windu. Yoda "Feral Grandpa" who throws children at every problem. Grandson isn't doing too well? Throw a child his way. Other grandchild is struggling to cope with grief? Throw another child their way. Oh, there's a war going on and newest grandchild is angry a lot? Here's a child!

The entire lineage has a soft spot for children.

Anyways...

Mace: Our mission was a success. We found the artifact and both specimens.

Koth: How long until your return?

Mace:...

Yoda: Found a child, you did?

Gallia: Master Yoda, that's a rather illogical guess. Once is unusual, twice is-

Mace: Oh, did Qui-Gon find a child as well?

Yoda, smugly: Bringing the child back, are you?

Depa, from the background, after a rather loud snarl is heard: We do not bite things, young one.

*more snarling*

Mace: We have no reason to believe he was not alone.

Tiin: *deep sighing*

Mundi: *mild confusion noises*

Koon, eagerly: Please send photos of this youngling. For the archives, of course.

Mace, nodding sagely: Of course.

*extremely loud yowl* *sounds of Mace turning*

Mace: DEPA!

Depa: He nearly bit off my finger!

Mace: That doesn’t mean you pinch him!

Depa: What else am I supposed to do?!

*sudden exclamation filled solely of Mando’a, Huttese and Twi’leki curses*

Mace: So, I don’t know if he speaks Basic, but Master Che should be able to talk him through a check-up.

Yeah, several Council members are experiencing headaches now. Normally, they would have some empathy for Mace and his own stress-induced migraines. They currently do not.

Right after that call, Dooku calls back to say that Obi-Wan has left without them.

Mundi: He left the child with you, right?

Dooku:

Mundi: He left the child with you, right?

Obi-Wan did not leave himself with the Masters. Obi-Wan has listened to Mini-Obi and is off on some wild space adventure to a criminal-run planet.

The toddler won’t stop staring at him. He asks for a name. The kid says to call him Ben.

OW: Is that your name?

“Ben”: It is a name I am called :)

OW: That isn’t what I meant.

“Ben”: I know :)

Ben also keeps staring at OW’s lightsaber. OW decides to make sure the kid doesn’t start playing with it when he isn’t looking.

MEANWHILE

Ahsoka has figured out that she was really very oh-so wrong. She’s on Mandalore. As in, the Mandalore that is under Jango Fett. Bc she’s with Jango Fett. He’s holding her hand bc she was nervous about the strange looking medic (who was just wearing armor, but not clone armor and civies don’t wear armor.)

Ahsoka knows very little about Jango Fett. Clone Buir, Mandalorian leader, tried to kill Master Kenobi. Also dead.

He asks how she got in. She shrugs. She is too small to fight back so she can’t let him know anything. Whatever everything is right now. But also, he doesn’t seem mean or evil or anything.

Oh yeah. Skyguy said that Mandos love children. That's why the clones were so protective of her, even with Skyguy on her side of the argument.

She decides to use this to her advantage. She can probably get herself a comm, and enough time to call the Temple. If she can convince them she at least knows a Jedi, then they can come get her and she'll work from there.

ELSEWHERE

Rex and Cody are getting really upset. This Duchess is really nice, but she's acting really weird and keeps insisting she's not actually called Duchess. No one will give them a comm, they keep getting weird looks for speaking Mando'a even though they're on Mandalore, and Satine's father keeps mentioning a Fett. Maybe Boba's set a bad example again.

Rex starts to fall asleep, to his chagrin. He's too bored, sitting and getting some abnormally extensive check-up. Cody is fine, but he's used to the calm that is General Kenobi. Rex usually has a Togruta teen in the vents and a Human that is never where he's supposed to be.

Rex does, in fact, fall asleep. His "twin" starts glaring when a doctor goes to wake him up. Cody makes it clear that his brother is like Cat: once asleep, you do not wake.

Satine is giggling, but trying not to let the others hear. Cody does. Cody looks at her. They have a stare-off.

Cody goes back to glaring at the doctors. He will not admit to any emotions besides Protect™.

BACK TO

Obi-Wan and Ben have made it to Tatooine.

[breefarrow]

Ask your law student friend why Louis has such bad lawyers that they missed really bad clauses in his contracts that are different from everyone elses so much so that he can't even sue while other XF have and others have said no including Leona Lewis Rebecca Fergusson others like Little Mix left and so many spoke out about the industry for decades while only Louis cannot. I mean even Zayn and Liam spoke out about what was going on, controll and how they didn't let Zayn change hairstyles etc

Hello anon I assume this is in response to my reblog of Allies @skepticalarrie post? Well first off my mutral seems to be offline bc she isn't answering DMs [so if she comes on later with a response I will edit this post and add her response] but I don't even need to ask her or any of the rest of my GC to give you an answer to this. It's simple the people you listed like Leona Lewis and Rebecca Ferguson all have things in common that they don't share with 1D. Those former Xfactor UK contestants never got big outside the UK unlike 1D who was known EVERYWHERE. Even Little Mix as big as they are in the UK they never got worldwide big like 1D. This is mostly because Simon being Simon only caring about money wanted LM big in the UK and 5H big in the US and if LM tried to cross over to the US it wouldn't allow both groups to make him money.

The bigger an act/star you are the less control and leeway you have while the smaller you are the more control you have and easier it is to get out of things. Over 90% of former Xfactor contestants/Syco artists that have spoken out about all the issues never got to 1D level fame and at best were big in the UK only. Leona only had one decent hit song here in the US and then no one in the US heard from her again. 1D being WORLDWIDE famous and apart of a boyband who [in the labels eyes] all their fans were young women who dreamed of dating them meant they were under heavy contract so their was much less of a chance they could speak out.

SO as you stated some of the members have spoken out but they spoke out about obvious things like being heavily over worked [5 years, 5 albums, 4 world tours] and their PERSONAL health and the ways they dealt with being over worked they never really said anything that would make people outside the fandom glance at Syco/Simon. None of the members who spoke out went oh yeah Simon and his label gave us all fake images, closeted some of us and treated us like garbage yada yada. On top of that the reason Louis has been the one who hasn't spoken out about anything is because it's been damn well clear out of ALL the members Syco/Simon kept the biggest eye on Louis.

They were the most scared of Louis they knew out of all the members HE was the one who would risk it all to expose their asses! LOUIS was the one who fought for them to produce their own music, LOUIS was the one who fought for them to write their own music and change their sound everything that changed about 1D was LOUIS doing. They kept Louis on a figuritive dog leash because they knew he was the one they needed to watch out for which is why Louis was still stuck with Syco/Simon after 1D went on haitus while the other members were under different Sony labels. There's a rumor flying around other major labels wanted Louis for his solo career but Simon/Syco stopped that from happening.

They have always tried to screw Louis over and it was clear when Louis was suppose to release his first album and go on tour in 2018 but instead they had him be a judge on the Xfactor. He gets almost ZERO promo and out of all the 1D members he is the ONLY one who doesn't get radio play [at least here in the US]. The main thing Simon did to try and screw Louis over in a way that would be long lasting way after he was our of the picture is babygate. If one believes the media lies and the stories "that are for the sun" than Louis seems like a pretty shit person. They are now so deep into babygate they don't even know how to end it but even if it did end tomorrow it clearly did the lasting damage Simon wanted on Louis. Babygate was all about control and wanting to ruin Louis because they seemed to have a personal vendetta against Louis.

Anyways back to the main point all this isn't to say Harry hasn't wanted to expose them to but since 2014 the Azoffs had been circling around Harry just WAITING to snatch him up for his solo career and I believe Jeff saw how Harry was being treated so he made Harry believe if he came with him and Columbia things would be better for him, Harry believed him and since the Azoffs have more power than Simon it wasn't hard for them to take Harry from Simon/Syco.

I do think it was easier for Simon/Syco to scare Harry into doing as they said. We have seen since the beginning Harry was always scared of what others thought of him [ex: painted his nails back in 2012] and overthinking most things so they 100% played on that feeding him lies [from when he was ONLT SIXTEEN A KID] as to what would happen if he didn't listen to them and how "they know what's best for him to succeed" where as Louis he never gave a damn, saw through the lies easily and was definitely the one who stood up to them especially when they did something he didn't agree with to another member.

That's why Louis is the one who hasn't spoken out he the one they put on the biggest leash making sure he would stay quite because they KNOW he was the hardest one to control and they DON'T know what would happen the minute he is off his leash. His Directors Cut MV tells the whole story of how much the "evil one" tells him what he can and can't do and the consequences he will face if he goes against them. He's been on a massive leash for a long time he is now gone from Syco so I can only HOPE something is going to happen SOMETHING will change but only time will tell.