#bc i can promise you i never think or make judgements about someone based on what they are wearing or what they look like

[elio-monroe]

gosh i wish we were even a like 25% sexually liberated as some people seem to think. we are so repressed and it sucks ass. if we were even a little sexually liberated id be dressing way more sluty and probably wearing a cute dog collar, but i live in the goddamn midwest and i already get death threats while looking plain as all hell

[racheljoyscott]

Hey i love your blog<3

Do you know how to make friends , i got bullied in 8th grade by my group of friends because i defended a girl from being body shamed and i lost all my confidence to talk to people and making friends im a freshman going into sophomore year and i want to make friends this upcoming school year<3 i’ve been inspired by rachel to become more friendly like she was for the upcoming school year like reaching out to people bc ik whats it’s like to be bullied but i get really scared to talk to people bc i feel like im gonna get judged💜

Hey Anon! Glad you came across my page. I'll give you two sets of advice, my own and what I think Rachel would tell you.

You are almost the age I was when I started this blog so many years ago! I still, to this day, am thankful every single day that I learned of Rachel's story. I found her at the most pivotal stage in my teenage development. It shaped me more than I can express, and she completely altered my character progression. Rachel is extremely inspiring. Just listen to her stories and I promise it'll have some good effect on you. It's worth every second.

With that being said, this is my advice. The hard truth is, there will always be mean people tearing you down. Whether it's mean girls at school, a mean boss, or even your roommates in college. To make friends, be yourself. Learning to follow your own interests and live through your values will take you so much farther in life. And you'll be happier. Friends will come. I didn't have many friends in middle school or for a good chunk of high school. But looking back, I think I was better off having my few close friends than forcing friendships with the popular kids. Be a friend to everyone (with limits), but don't worry too much about having/not having friends. I promise you, being yourself and being kind to all people will give you confidence and bring you so much value to your future self. I think these early years are really impactful on your future. Put good out there, build a foundation for your career, and do your best in school. But given you are already following Rachel's footsteps, I'd say you're on a very good path :)

Based on what I know about Rachel, I'd say she'd be proud of you for sticking up for that girl! Please, please, never let other girls, especially mean or judgemental girls, take away any bit of sparkle or strength you have. If you are already using your voice for good and to help others so young, keep making it stronger. No matter what you say, you'll learn someone has an issue with it or judge you for it. Everyone has a bit of social anxiety when it comes to things like this. Especially at your age in high school. To combat it, Rachel wore really funky and eccentric outfits that kind of forced her to get used to discomfort and judgement. (Also because she was really cool!) To combat mine, I learned that people don't remember or care nearly as much as you do when you think you embarrass yourself. I even think of Rachel when I have trouble approaching someone. Because really, you never know what people are thinking or going through. She asked God to use her to reach out to people and to help others. Maybe that person sitting alone wants someone to sit with them, or maybe they don't! But it's for you to find out. Either you make a friend in the process, or learn more and more on how to approach people and make small talk. Life's all about chances but they're usually worth taking.

My advice to overcome the fear of being judged is to do your best. Whenever I fear how I'm being perceived or judged, I tell myself I did the best I could today. Even if I did screw up, at least I helped someone out. I was kind to a stranger. I put a smile on someone's face. Held a door open. Etc. At least I tried to be good and did something small to positively impact the people around me. Because truly, that's all that matters. And that's all because I found Rachel's story. :)

Please reach out to me if you ever need anything else, and I encourage you to use my blog to learn more about Rachel. She was always a friend when I didn't have one. There is truly so much you can learn from her! Good luck! xx

[yesimwriting]

YALL WHAT SHOULD I WRITE FIRST

Okay!! so both of these are coming at some point!! i have some requests i’ve been working on and i’ve also been working on my original novel (that i hope to get published one day) but i really want to start working on one of my fairytale retellings/AUs(technically not more AU than a regular fic lol)/whatever you want to call them. 

But i can’t pick which one to do first!! 

- Beauty and the Beast retelling 

-Darkling/General Kirigan x reader currently,, but i’m willing to listen to arguments for making this more SOC based and Kaz Brekker x reader, but i think the beauty and the beast theme works better for more SAB based story

- currently focuses on the reader agreeing to take someone’s place as General Kirigan’s prisoner/someone that has to work for him

- I think the plot is going to focus on the reader being a powerful grisha which is part of the reason he took her (like a strong heartrender that can manipulate emotions really precisely,, still unsure if i’d rather her be just human) 

- the reader is low key really impressed with the Little Palace bc she grew up in poverty but she’s trying really hard not to be 

- the (slight) AU part is that Kirigan needs someone of ‘pure heart’ to fall for the person beneath the darkness to unlock more power than ever bc of an ancient curse  (and the person of ‘pure heart’ is the reader bc she has no ulterior motive to like him)

- but then he’s like!! i like her--oh no i like her 

- i see Genya as mrs potts lowkey like she knows that Kirigan wants to win the reader’s love and she’s like trying to help lol 

- Alina lowkey hyping up their connection 

- Reader being all sunshiney and a sweetheart who is literally immune to Kirigan’s angst 

- enemies to lovers excellence 

- jealous kirigan,, jealous kirigan,,, jealous kirigan 

- protective boyfriend vibes wayyy before they start dating lmao 

- honestly a lot of acting cute together but still being like ‘i hate u’ 

- Anastasia retelling 

- Kaz Brekker x reader

-  based lowkey more on the musical than the disney movie (the only real difference in the musical is that someone thinks about killing Anastasia for the Russian revolution)

- the plot would focus on the return of annual rumors of a princess that might have survived a massacre at the palace 

- i would create my own country in the grishaverse for the reader to be the princess of so that i can give it the history i need for my story 

- so you know how in Anastasia Dimitri worked at the palace and he saved Anastasia?? my idea for this one is that the Dregs were hired to kill the royal family that the reader is a part of and bc of what he considers a lapse of judgement, Kaz helps the reader escape bc she was the youngest there and they had an interaction that like tugged at him

- anywayssss.... fast forward years later and Kaz is as hardened as he is in the SOC books, he thinks that the princess he helped died anyways bc he saw her run off in the wrong direction

- but!! the princess’s royal grandmother is still looking for her and this year she’s offering more kruge than ever for the return of her missing granddaughter

- Kaz runs into the reader after she tries to pickpocket him and when he realizes that she’s an orphan that looks enough like Anastasia (same hair color, same eye color, etc) with amnesia he’s like ‘it’s perfect’ 

- the reader is like ?? i don’t know any royal traditions or anything about the royal family,, and also im indentured to this guy who is not going to like this

- and Kaz is like don’t worry about that guy 

- the reader is like ?? don’t worry--

- and he’s like yeahh,, i’ll pull some strings (he’s not really pulling strings, he’s paying for her time but he would never tell the reader that bc it makes her seem valuable and no one wants their time ‘purchased’)

- and then princess training starts!! the reader has to study on family history through textbooks but she still has like no formal etiquette skills and Kaz is like ‘i have a merchling that was part of high society, he can teach you table manners’ 

- Wylan is like you have a what now?? and Kaz is like shut up

- the reader agrees obviously bc Kaz is like i could kill you,, you did try to steal from me, but he’s also like ‘if you’re made a princess you can pay off your indenture and the indentures of your friends’ 

- lots of the crows being best friends with the reader in this one 

- the reader is a gifted medic but touching blood makes her feel ill bc of trauma 

- im thinking of making her a tailor to explain why she brought in so much money for the people she worked for (because she could make herself look like anyone’s type) but im thinking that subplot might complicate things but i do want her to be grisha so maybe a squaller?? idk 

- throughout the story im going to have Kaz think about how he lowkey regrets letting the girl go at the beginning bc it’s an unfinished job technically and bc the family was evil and they did bad by their people 

- reader realizes that she’s been romanticizing this family and that theyre actually bad and she’d rather just stay with the crows 

- kaz realizes he wants the reader to stay 

- both being too prideful to say anything until the reader is like ‘screw it’ but before she can tell kaz (the night before her coronation) kaz is like pls tell me you don’t think you’re her and the reader is like i said i wouldn’t lie to you

- and kaz is genuinely considering killing her to like finish what was started and bc he really hates that family (i’ll explain why he hates the family in the fic lol)

- enemies to lovers bc it’s my favorite,,

-  a lot of everyone being confused on how the reader is allowed to get away with half the stuff kaz allows and then whenever anyone is like YALL ARE ACTING LIKE A COUPLE the reader is like ??this is just how i act? and everyones like YEAH BUT KAZ DOESNT LET PEOPLE ACT LIKE THAT 

- and kaz is like i literally dont know what ur talking about i yelled at her this morning,, i promise i did, it’s not my fault u didn’t see it--i totally yelle--

--

yall i lowkey want to write both of these NOW but i need to learn impulse control pls,, help lol

AND I DIDNT EVEN TELL YALL ABOUT MY TANGLED  OR HADES&PERSEPHONE RETELLING IDEAS MUAHAHAHA PLS SOMEONE MAKE ME STOP IM SUCH A SIMP FOR RETELLINGS 

[urcharactersclasspect]

Hey there! Just found your blog, i was wondering in regards to what kind of personality a rogue of blood may have!

Sorry this took 4ever. Cracks knuckles

Generalized personalities are hard to decipher from Godtier alone, as you could realistically have a radically seperate personality from someone who has the same godtier as you but still have enough similarities between eachother in certain ethics or thoughts in other ways that it feels like they almost have the same one in terms of interests and how the aspect of blood bends around them as a person. Same with certain logical conclusions to situations each rogue of blood might have. So while there almost always is similiarities and eerie commonalities obviously not every Rogue of Blood will have the exact personality. Like, they might make similiar choices, but have wildly seperate personalities. Accordingly, when it comes to fictional characters- its not the personality alone but how they move inside the story they are inside of. The delevopments, the characters arcs, etc.

Now with that out if the way

Some common things I've noticed when it comes to protrayals of Rogues of Blood.

They usually come across as suprisingly standoffish- and the types to not be able to really handle relationships or the concept of forming connections to others, while at the same time obviously wanting them; Blood players are inherently drawn to the idea of commitments and connections, and without them they tend to be at a loss and feel like they are doing something wrong, and its worse if their connections tend to deny them the emotional rewards they crave from making them. This can lead almost any classpect of Blood to resent themselves, The rogue is no different.

Rogues in particular are seen as the types to give up their aspects to others as they feel they are unqualified to handle their own aspect properly and most everyone who is a rogue usually doesnt think their aspect fits them, which fits into this idea that they think they are lacking in it enough to deny whats actually usually obvious to everyone else, because they downplay themselves so much. They take it from other places like a surrogate placement subconciously and form their bonds naturally, and try to give it and share it with others instead of using it themselves as they feel almost entirely unattached to the aspect and taking advantage of the fact and just allowing themselves to keep and have those bonds.

So a Rogue of Blood, is someone who feels unattached to the idea of making relationships but wants to make them- like they dont make enough connections and commitments for themselves. Or maybe they really just dont out of pure fear that all their thoughts that they just couldnt handle healthy relationships is confirmed for them the more they reach out. Or maybe they push their connections or ties to others away because they feel like the people are just way less interested in making mutual ones with them, so they allow their own resentment of themselves cloud their judgement and then they wind up pushing the ties they did have to someone away and they wind up disconnecting from the rogue to someone else. Almost like passively just allowing the other person to take the connection instead bc they couldnt handle it themselves. Even when things were fine.

They will "give" the relationship or possibility of a closer connection to someone else.

Although as I type this, I realize it might be hella generalized sounding if any blood players actually read this. As Ive met several Blood players that suit radically different classes do very similiar things too. So take this with an omega pinch of salt, as blood players as a whole tend to do very similiar things in my opinion.

Blood players are the natural types with people, and they have a lot of self hate. But they love forming bonds with other people above all else. No matter the classpect or personality of the character or person. Its something blood players tend to be passionate about and have a lot of thoughts on.

In general Rogues of Blood are people who cant handle forming connections with others quite right, and they almost try to avoid making them despite desperately wanting them as a result of fear and self resentment based around their avoidance.

Pretty much almost every "Tsundere" character in Anime that happens to be a protagonist or secondary character love interest that progresses the plot comes to mind for rogues of blood, honestly. As blood players tend to be main characters and almost never side or background extras. As blood; the relationships, promises, bonds, connections, and commitments are the most important parts of almost every story you could think of in media or in books.

[lemonwritesstuff]

safety pin (ow highschool au)

summary: jesse and genji make a promise to each other and maybe, this time, two wrongs will make a right. read it on ao3

a/n: this is very based off the song safety pin by 5 seconds of summer bc im on a mcgenji and old 5sos kick rn. Featuring an american high school written by a british first year college student. Also jesse and hana are jack and gabes kids ok good cool also genji is trans and lucio is enby ok bye 

genji and jesse use he/him, hana uses she/her and lucio uses he/they

Ships: mcgenji, a sprinkling of bunnyribbit and background reaper76

word count: 1.2k (this is the longest fic i’ve ever written holy shit)

tw for mentions of transphobia and gender dysphoria/ self deprecating talk

Jesse just wanted to get to his locker. But instead, he was greeted with a crowd of people shouting horrible things at someone. Upon further investigation, he saw two people being targeted. And when the taller boy saw the green, he knew it was Genji and Lucio. 

Genji could usually stand up for himself, so why wasn’t he? 

Before anything could happen physically, the vice principal, Jack Morrison, appeared with his husband and head of phys ed, Gabriel Reyes, in tow. They were the teachers in charge of the GSA and they were also Jesse’s parents. They both knew how much Genji meant to Jesse, and how much Lucio meant to Genji so they were always first to take their side whenever anything happened to them.  

“Get to class, all of you!” Jack shouted, his voice laced with anger but also an attempt to stay professional. Gabe weaved through the crowds in an attempt to get them to disperse, before he caught the dickheads responsible.

“Principal's office. Now” Gabe scowled, his voice also laced with anger.

 As the crowd cleared, Jack spotted Jesse and Hana, worry plastered on their faces.

“Jesse, Hana, stay here.” he said, his voice much softer. He had a soft spot for any of the kids in the GSA, he’d been in their position years ago and was glad to give them the help he wished he had. At this point, the GSA was just the entire queer population of the school and no allies, but that was fine. They could all just unapologetically be themselves, without the fear of judgement. The GSA was the safest place in the school to be for them. 

“I’ll let your teachers know what's gone on and have them mark you in for the rest of the day but you don't have to go to class.” He was addressing the four of them now, voice still soft but laced with concern for the green duo. “I’ll write you all hall passes but you’re free to sit in our room if you want to. I’ll also notify all staff about what’s happened and I’ll be in my office if any of you need me.” 

“Thank you, Sir.” the four of them said in somewhat unison. Once Jack had walked off, Hana rushed over to Lucio, who was leaning against the wall and still shaking from the encounter.

“Lú! Are you ok?” Hana asked, concern now laced through her voice. She cradled Lucio’s head in her hands, rubbing away their tears. 

“Yeah, I’ll be fine, Hana. It’s nothing I haven’t heard before. I guess I deserve it, wearing a skirt to school” they replied. Being one of two openly trans people in the entire school was bound to go wrong at some point. 

“Shut it, dingus. We both know you don’t deserve it. It’s not our fault people are transphobic assholes.” Genji chimed in. 

“Exactly!” Hana said. “Now, let's go sit in the room and fix your makeup. You deserve to feel pretty, baby.” With that statement, the pair set off, hand in hand, to the room that GSA meetings were held in, leaving Jesse and Genji alone in the hallway. Genji was still processing what happened but Jesse pulled him back to reality.

“Our spot?” Jesse asked, voice quiet in order to not disturb the students learning in the class opposite them. Genji just nodded, and after Jesse got his bag from his locker (which was the only reason he was in that part of the school anyway), they set off toward the exits.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Thank god I got some snacks, I forgot we were gonna have a shorter lunch. I’m starvin’.” Jesse started, plonking himself down on the ground with Genji following suit opposite him. “You ok darlin’? Ya still look scared. How come ya didn’t stand up for yourself? I know you can, the entire grade has seen ya do it before.”  Genji chuckled and sighed, before replying.

“I was already having a bad enough day with my dysphoria and I was talking about it with Lucio when someone overheard us and.. yeah.” 

“Oh, baby, I-”

“No, it’s fine.” Genji said, cutting Jesse off. “They’re right, I’m not a real man and never will be. I wouldn’t be surprised if you wanted to break up with me, Jesse.” Genji couldn’t hold back the tears any longer and before he could say anything, he was in Jesse’s arms. One of the few places he felt safe. One of two places where he could exist without judgement.

“Dumplin’, I know it’s hard but please never believe anything those assholess say. You’re not only a man, but you’re MY man and I’m not going anywhere. Nothing will ever change that. Ever. They’re just asshats that lack so much self confidence that they tear others down.” Jesse said softly, cradling his lovers face in his hands, wiping away tears. 

Genji melted at any nickname Jesse gave him, especially dumpling. It came from an in-joke on their first date, where Genji had compared himself to a dumpling, small and bite sized (compared to Jesse anyway) and the nickname stuck ever since. 

“Do ya want me to do anything, darlin’?” Jesse murmured, rubbing circles on Genji’s back in an effort to calm his tears.

“No, this is fine for now.” Genji barely whispered, not even daring to look up at the brunette. Just as Jesse was about to reply, his phone pinged. 

buncha fuckin misfits

padre: the dickheads have been dealt with and they’re outta here

gaymer gorl: good riddance lmao

boy scout lookin ass: those kids have done this multiple times and i’m surprised it took this long to expel them 

boy scout lookin ass: how are gen and lú by the way?

gaymer gorl: i redid Lú’s makeup and they’re back to lookin fabulous!

yee to the haw: just givin’ gen some cuddles, he was already havin’ a bad day with dysphoria and he just needs some convincin’ that he’s stronger than he thinks. he’ll be ok :)

With that, Jesse shut off his phone and turned his attention back to the green haired boy in his arms. The brunette ran his hands through the sea of green hair beneath him, letting out a low whistle when he realised how soft it was.

“I redyed it last night” Genji said, his tears having pretty much run dry at his point. 

“Well, ya better tell me what hair products you use, darlin’. Wish my hair was as soft as this.” 

Genji let out a chuckle, which made Jesse smile. He’s getting there. 

The pair stayed like that for some time until Jesse had an idea. He reached over to his bag and pulled a safety pin off the strap, handing it to Genji. Before Genji could question him, he began to explain himself.

“ Maybe we can safety pin the pieces of our broken hearts back together. We’ve both been hurt so much in the past, and we’re obviously gonna wanna be whole in the future. So, I’ll give you this as a promise, that I’m always gonna have your back and the one on my bag is your promise to me, that you’ll always have my back. Make sense?” Jesse said, pinky extended towards his love, smile creeping onto his face.

“Of course.” Genji replied. “Besides, maybe, this time, two wrongs make a right.”

[bisexualhobi]

(Im not a company stan big hit can suck my ass)

1. Txt is not an aspect of bts? They are another group with a completely different identity. They are talented enough to match bts thats why armys love them and stan them. You are insulting them (and other groups) by saying that they are just another money making machine for bighit as a replacement for bangtan??

2. Idols hate bts lol everyone knows they do. They are from the biggest most prestigious companys yet they are huge flops compared to bts and that alone is enough for them to hate bts.. ik u are not asian but its a huge thing in asia, like if u work in a rich/huge company or are from a rich family u are so much superior to everyone else and then if someone without a strong background becomes more successful than them, the rich ones automatically hate them (if this sounds like the plot of a kdrama its because. Well. Kdramas are asian dramas and are based on real life)

3. Liking bts doesnt make one superior but liking continuously problematic groups does make one inferior and this is the main reason of twt fanwars because 90% of twt armys come from non western cultures and are deeply affected on so many levels by all the shit these groups and companys pull out every single month 👁👄👁 (dont say its just companys fault lol you know that nct member said lets not talk about this topic and its not just one example) ps: dont pull out the bts rapline were also problematic card bc they apologised for it and havent done it again

ok i’m gonna address point by point what you mentioned here. btw i’m assuming you’re different from the last anon i answered regarding “bts isn’t kpop” but if you are the same anon sorry for repeating stuff

1. i didn’t say txt is an “aspect” of bts. i mentioned them because what they are is the second bg big hit has created from scratch and the immediate successors of bts, a company that, until txt, had NOTHING but bts going for them. and even though txt is already becoming successful, the fact is that, just eyeballing it, bts brings in about 90 to 95% of big hit’s total revenue. big hit has a challenge regarding what they will do to cement themselves as a company beyond bts, and txt is the first step in that direction. when i say cash cow i mean a secondary source of income. my intention was not to disrespect txt at all, which i made clear in that textpost!! i don’t even stan txt and i’ve kept saying that they were far better than bts on the end of the year performances!!! i said, and i quote “txt ate them up because txt is a new group (that has a lot of passion and are hardworking ofc, this isn’t attacking them personally)” 

just a little caveat though, an idol group is always a money making machine for a company... like. it’s important to me that you know that. like, i hope you know that big hit isn’t looking to make groups saying “oh boy, i hope they flop! i hope they’re happy doing what they like and i will never care about the utilities :)” idol companies are literally some of the most money hungry industries because they often operate at a loss. don’t for a second think that bts and txt and any group is more than an asset for the company, whose sole purpose is to make money.

2. idols hate bts?? listen, in the entertainment industry there’s always gonna be drama and backstabbing, so i’m sure there’s animosity between many groups, i’m not naive enough to say that no one hates bts, the same way i’m sure there are plenty of idols who hate exo, who hate red velvet, who hate x or y. but the way you say this is such a delusional, paranoid way to put it. afaik, the last celeb/musician to trash talk bts publicly was befree or whatever tf his name was, that asshole rapper who mocked namjoon and yoongi and called them sellouts for joining an idol group. and that guy is a fucking failure! i think he even went to jail, didn’t he? so please, tell me who these other idols hating bts are, and where are the receipts so i can blacklist them. 

“huge flops” lmao good way to put all the other groups’ efforts down. stop thinking bts’ accomplishments are your own. they’re not. you have no idea the amount of effort each idol group, small or big, puts in just to be able to debut, so stop disrespecting THEM by calling them all flops. i know i’m not korean, i’m not asian, but i have korean friends and according to them all these groups who are supposedly “flops” are doing well in korea. just because they don’t have international success doesn’t mean they’re not commercially acclaimed in their own country. not everyone is out to get bts, i promise you. do you know who’s out to get bts? their akgaes. their sasaengs, and their antis, all those people online who send jimin death threats, who break into their property, who take pictures of their families. THOSE people hate bts and do more harm to them than an idol who says they didn’t like their new album or who said they don’t dance well. like please let go of the victim complex for one minute.

3. one part of stan culture i fucking despise with my whole being is fanwars using cultural appropriation and racism as “gotcha” cards. this is a clear example of this. first you say it’s inferior to like groups who have participated in ca. alright. i will give you that. the you turn and say bts hasn’t done that and that groups such an nct who have done it recently are to blame personally, it’s not just the company’s mismanagement. okay! so by your logic, being a bts stan is superior because even though they HAVE done problematic things, they apologized. it’s really transparent how you pick and choose what is an acceptable apology and what isn’t based on your personal feelings about the group in question.

i just need to know if you are black or if you are muslim or from a minority that has been hurt by cultural appropriation, if you are then you will know that when an idol group apologizes for doing such things, it is no one’s place but their own to decide whether to accept that apology or not. i am not black, or asian, i am a latin woman who can’t tell you whether it’s okay for bts to do the things they have done. you are contradicting yourself by saying other groups who’ve done cultural appropriation are worse, and then turn around and say to me “dont pull out the bts rapline were also problematic card bc they apologised for it and havent done it again” because guess what? not everyone has forgiven bts either! they have said the n word! they have done native american culture appropriation as recently as december 2020 and neither them nor big hit apologized for that! yoongi releasing the mixtape with that jim jones sample in it was NEVER addressed by him. it was a company statement. so who are you to say that the people still hurt by yoongi’s actions, whether intentional or not, can’t talk about it and be mad at them? IT DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY. 

i am not here to pass moral judgement, that’s why i don’t bring up ca in arguments. it is not my place to say whether what nct did with the muslim aesthetic should be forgiven, the same way it’s not my place to tell people who like nct that they are “worse” for liking them. people who reduce their stanning to how many “woke points” you get based on the artists you like clearly don’t care about activism in real life, they just care about it online for fanwars. to feel better about themselves for liking “unproblematic kings” and well i have news for you, NO CELEBRITY IS UNPROBLEMATIC. bts has learned from their mistakes, but they will continue to make mistakes every once in a while, case in point, the jim jones thing and the native american teepees appropriation. 

[iamtaran]

Dialogue Prompt 30

SO I’m a dingus and answered @partyhardwoohoo’s dialogue prompt (30: “You don’t see me.”) privately bc the button is the bigger of the two and I! Am! Easily! Swayed! By! Button! Size! Anyway, thanks so much again for the prompt and, uh, sorry for the fic now living in your inbox!  *

“You don’t see me,” Jaskier pants from behind his chair. 

And, really, of all the ways Geralt had foreseen this night turning out, this was not outside the realm of possibility. Rather than say anything, Geralt picks up his goblet and, sighing heavily, drains it.

He hadn’t known Jaskier would be at this celebration. Scratching that, he hadn’t even known Jaskier was in this kingdom. Last they had parted in some muddy marsh in Redania, Jaskier had been awaited in Cidaris to perform in some political wedding between two major noble houses. At the time, the last glimpse Geralt had caught of him had been: huddled in his cloak, made small from the last chill day of spring; caked in mud up to his knee-high boots, yet rosy cheeked and grinning with victory as he waved the witcher on with the parting farewell, “‘Til summer, then! I’ll just catch on with that caravan coming over the horizon. Looks like they’re very well to do-- exactly the type to enjoy a traveling bard’s charm and warmth on such a drab trek, don’t you think?” And then, when Geralt was nearly out of (human) earshot, he had called, “Don’t let anything get its claws into you whilst I’m not there, Wolf!”

In a month and a half, Jaskier seems to have come into some good fortune (the fine, soft linen of his flatteringly draped trousers, the kidskin of his soft boots) only to immediately lose it again. The last bit, of course, is only supposition. Based on the fact that he crouches behind Geralt’s seat, sleeveless tunic completely unbuttoned over his airy organza chemise where it gapes open at the collar. 

Geralt had caught only a glance of his flushed face, but he knows what his friend looks like when he’s been at the drink. He also knows from their time together exactly how recent debauchery shows on his skin and neck. He doesn’t need to turn and look to see it for himself. He can smell it. Instead, he reaches for the pitcher of wine.

“Jaskier,” he sighs. It is all he says.

Jaskier, of course, takes immediate offense.

“I haven’t done anything wrong!” he hisses from the shadows. Geralt hums, refilling his goblet. The wine isn’t bad-- not to a witcher used to the road.

“Or anyone?” he rumbles. Jaskier scoffs behind his ear. The main doors open; a harried guard and a fluttering servant stride up the middle of the hall between the two tables, headed for their host.

“Is there no respect for the choices of a grown man or woman in this backward kingdom?” he complains. “You’d think I’d killed someone by the way they carry on.”

“Jaskier,” he growls. Jaskier huffs an overblown sigh. 

“How am I to know who is engaged and who is not if they won’t tell me? Really, Geralt.”

The seneschal at Geralt’s elbow sends him a condoling look and passes the bread. Geralt happily takes another roll with thanks. This baron keeps the best baker in the state, and he is never one to turn away such a luxury. The road has only ever lined his gut with venison and crispbread, and recently the road has been long and his purse light. Even so, he is even more thankful that his other neighbor has yet to take any notice of their whispered conversation.

A hand snakes into view for just a moment. Petulantly, Geralt jerks the roll away and nudges it back with his elbow.

“And besides,” Jaskier continues, apparently unbothered by the fracas growing in volume at the front of the hall. He is lucky indeed that Geralt had been positioned in somewhat obscurity to the back of the hall. He doubts he would have been able to hide half as effectively where they any nearer to the windows and candles closer to the nobility. “It’s not a love match. No one has exchanged anything like a vow or even a half-hearted promise at this point.”

“Jaskier,” Geralt scolds. Fingers pinch his side.

“Not a word.”

“I thought traveling bards were meant to keep up on such news,” Geralt says into his food, which is many words. Jaskier exacts revenge by stealing the pickled cucumber from his plate. His hand retreats back behind his seat.

“News, yes,” Jaskier huffs. “Gossip, as well. But only a fool believes it.”

“I believe,” Geralt murmurs, “that you are about to face a cadre of very unhappy kinsmen if you continue to linger here.” Jaskier makes an agreeing sort of noise as he crunches his stolen goods. “Why haven’t you ridden for the border yet? Or left the castle, even, you dolt.”

“Lost my horse in a bet,” Jaskier grouses. Geralt snorts and pretends it was to spit into his napkin when it draws attention. The woman across from him glares her disapproval briefly. “Not a word, I said!” Jaskier hisses. “I was actually quite attached to- ah--”

“Marigold,” Geralt supplies. 

“-yes, Marigold.”

“Triss would curse you if she knew.”

Jaskier sniffs. “It was a tribute, meant only in the highest respect.”

“Was it respect when you bet her on-”

“-a case of Toussaint red.”

“-on a case of wine?”

“Let me take Roach,” Jaskier says rather than answer. Teeth-deep in a bite of roast lamb, Geralt frowns. 

“No.”

“Oh, come on, please,” Jaskier wheedles. For a man hiding from very unhappy kinsmen to his latest lover, he is quite chatty. Geralt remembers his flushed cheeks and reconsiders, ah, yes. Must have been wine. I thought he lost the bet? “It will just be until I’m outside the kingdom borders. I’ll take the highway and stop in the first clearing so you’ll know exactly where to find me. I’ll even oil your tack as compensation for what would otherwise be an unselfish show of friendship and trust.”

“No.”

“Geralt,” he begins. Geralt doesn’t get to hear what other argument he has up his sleeve, however. The seneschal picking at his salad on Geralt’s left clears his throat delicately. 

Immediately, he realizes what is wrong: the noise from the front of the hall has ceased. From the corner of his eye, he becomes aware of a half dozen armed guards led by two men he recognizes at the baron’s oldest sons striding down the length of the hall. 

Jaskier must notice, too. Rather than turn tail and make for the door-- or even, knowing him as Geralt does, standing to talk his way out of whatever trouble he has drawn-- rather than doing either of those, he crouches further, hisses at Geralt, “Move your thigh,” and with a shove to his side wriggles under the table. 

“Don’t!” Geralt whispers, too late.

It is a tight squeeze. The table is long but not terribly wide, and seated on both sides with every member of the household staff. Geralt hears Jaskier mutter a curse to himself and nearly jumps when two hands land on his thighs, pressing them apart to make room for Jaskier to squeeze between. The seneschal clears his throat once more, radiating judgement. Geralt resists the urge to clamp a hand over his eyes, barely. As if it would make the current situation disappear. 

The company of guards and sons moves past and out of the hall. 

“Don’t get excited,” Jaskier whispers, and pats him far enough up his leg that Geralt does jump. Jaskier chuckles. “Merciful goddess, that was close.”

“And what,” Geralt grinds out, “do you plan to do down there?”

The scandalized seneschal coughs into his fist. Roughly, Geralt grabs the pitcher of wine nearly out of the questing hand of the Housekeeper across of him and slams it down at the seneschal’s elbow. The seneschal, steadfastly ignoring him as he unashamedly eavesdrops, jumps like a man prodded.

“For your throat,” Geralt glowers. 

It is, admittedly, an effective glower. He watches just long enough to see the pale-faced man nod quickly and fumbling pour himself a glass that goes more on his plate than in his cup, then returns to his predicament. 

“Well, funny you should ask,” Jaskier hums, unawares, “because, you see, um, I haven’t quite, well, planned past this point-” 

Geralt really does lower his eyes into his hand. All he can do is prop that elbow on the table and hope he merely looks tired to any who should glance his way. Tired, and not like he is having a conversation with the man crouched between his legs.

“Jaskier,” Geralt growls at his lap as quietly as he can. “If you pull me into this fucking farce you’ve orchestrated before I’ve even been fucking paid for this job that took me two fucking weeks-”

“I haven’t!” Jaskier whispers back fiercely.

Geralt pins him with a look. “If it looks like they are going to find you here, I will drag you out from under there, march you to the Baron’s table, and offer to thrash your bare arse like a snot-nosed brat myself. I’ll do it in front of the whole fucking court if it means I will still get paid. Do you understand me?”

Wide eyed, Jaskier opens his mouth to protest. They are interrupted by one of the sons returning. Geralt doesn’t even hear him come up, so focused is he, until the man speaks.

“Sir Witcher?”

Jaskier shifts against his legs. Almost before he is aware of it, Geralt buries his hand in his hair and makes a hard fist. Jaskier, mid way to crawling-- back out, or away-- freezes. Casually, Geralt turns to face the second oldest son whilst his free hand reaches for his goblet with not a care in the world.

“Trouble, my lord?” He grunts, and takes a sip of wine. Jaskier’s boots shuffle under the table. Geralt tightens his hold and pins him to his leg. Jaskier stills, breathing sharply against his thigh where his cheek is pressed.

The son smiles grimly. “Purely human in nature, serah. Please don’t let me interrupt your dinner beyond the necessary.” 

A distracting hand wraps around his ankle. Geralt distinctly does not twitch.

“My thanks,” Geralt says dryly.

“My father has asked that I offer you room for the night, should you require.”

“Your father is uncommonly generous to offer,” Geralt notes. He can feel Jaskier’s rabbiting heartbeat thrumming where his knee has pressed into his chest. “No, I require nothing but the agreed upon price. I have a room booked at the inn for another night yet.”

The lordling smiles. “Very well. I’m afraid I can’t see you to our steward myself at the moment. But I will have my father informed to expect you in the antechamber after the meal has ended. He will see to your payment.”

It is unspeakably rude that he has not risen, Geralt knows. He also knows that he can get away with it. Witchers have always held a strange position in society. Outside of its rules and structures. It is a pleasant surprise, however, when rather than being offended as is his born right, the young lord merely offers his hand like a lowbornsman and with a short farewell leaves to catch up with his guard.

Under the table, Jaskier pants out an insult against his trouser leg. Geralt smirks and holds him there just long enough to make his point. It’s when Jaskier’s hands start fumbling up his legs looking for weaknesses and one finds the back of a knee that he lets go and goes back to his meal. Jaskier pinches him anyway and tells him exactly what he thinks.

“Neither of us know my father, and such a configuration seems unlikely,” Geralt replies mildly.

“Even more likely to be true, then,” Jaskier shoots back, craning his head as if to peer around Geralt’s chair for any other visitors.

From this angle, Geralt can see what he hadn’t before. A handful of deep maroon suck-marks spot the side of his neck and just behind the hinge of his jaw. His lips are still red from kissing whatever noble he should not have. (Judging by the stubble burn on his neck, it was the future husband.) He smells like wine, and sex, and cedar and bergamot perfume. His hair is mussed where Geralt had grabbed him. He doesn’t know what it had looked like before. He knows what it looks like now, however.

Suddenly, supremely aware of what the assumption will be if they are discovered, Geralt straightens. A passing servant pauses, takes up an empty plate to his left, and moves on without noticing anything amiss. Jaskier’s sigh of relief skitters hot and far too close across leather. It raises all the hair along Geralt’s arms. He freezes.

“In my belt purse,” he blurts. Blue eyes flash up at him. He tries to keep his face still and fails. He lifts his cup to hide it. “I still have a room at the local inn for the next two nights. Take the key from my purse and go there. And don’t get caught, or I’ll say you stole it.”

“And Roach?”

Geralt gives him a flat look. “Leaving on horseback is conspicuous. Or have you forgotten you’re sneaking out a fugitive?”

Jaskier pouts. “Point made,” he says, before ducking back enough to give himself room to work. Geralt tears his eyes away to look about the room nonchalantly. It is only the wood of the table creaking under his grip that makes him realize how tense he has become. Breathing in and out deeply, he forces himself to relax. 

Fingers grope at his belt for an excruciatingly long moment. Geralt takes up his forgotten roll and rips a bite off with perhaps too much gusto. 

“Got it,” Jaskier whispers. He leans forward just enough to wink up at Geralt one last time, grinning impishly. “Well, this has certainly been one of the more interesting nights I’ve spent on my knees-”

“Leave,” Geralt groans, and really does curl a defeated hand over his eyes as he feels Jaskier wriggle out from under the table. He doesn’t even watch him go. 

Only after he is sure he’s gone does Geralt slide a coin to the seneschal.

“This stays between us.”

[babbushka]

Hi honey! I feel like I need to apologize for my address (specifically my state). Please know that I think the political views of my state are appalling and nauseating. I’ve only ever voted blue and actively educate people on why the current admin. is so damaging. I just don’t want you to hate me because my state says I believe “x,y,z” and that’s the farthest thing from the truth. I’ve lost friends bc they found out and made snap judgements. I don’t want to lose you. Sending you my love! -G

Please don’t feel pressured to respond. I just really enjoy your blog and having you as a friend and I don’t want to lose you bc of where I live after losing other friends for the same reason (Can’t wait to switch jobs and move away). I hope you have a lovely day! Tell Flip to give you a bear hug and a giant smooch from me! Love you! -G

Hello my friend! Oh believe me I wouldn’t even dare to judge someone based on something so general and out of your control like that! I live in Florida lol, which went red both elections (oy vey), and I can promise you that I’m as blue as can be.

You have nothing to apologize for, I would never hate someone just because they happen to come from any one specific place. In fact, I think you’re brave for being so strong and holding firm in your convictions. It takes a lot of courage to speak for the voiceless when you’re surrounded by people who hold harmful views. 

And honestly? I tend to believe that the people who hang around this lil corner of the web know what’s up. I believe that the kind folks who spend their time here with me are good people, with good values. I make it very clear pretty frequently where I stand on a lot of moral and ethical issues, and I don’t entertain bullshit about that, lol. So if you’re here, and you’re a friend (even an anonymous one) then I assume you’re alright in my book :) 

[impivus]

very rushed very shit intro comin @ you all but here goes nothing ! i’m felix from the gmt tmz, i use he / him pronouns, and im gonna power nap any minute now because one thing you should know about me is that i’m eternally on the verge of passing out from minimum exertions during the day. this is my pain in the ass eunsu: not even going to sugar coat it - he’s the human personification of a headache dumpster fire all in one beefy package and i really don’t even blame your character if they just . ignore his presence because, me too !

under the cut there’s some information about him if you want to get to know more about him regardless. smash that mf heart if you want to plot.. and i will get to you ? sometime ? its an ambiguous promise but i keep them, discord is also an option so just ask if you’d prefer to plot on there. eun’s about is here but no plots as of yet because life is hard and We Cant all Have Everything 

aka im lazy 

* ☾ ✧ * º ━━ is that KIM JONGIN walking about ? nope ! that’s just EUN SU CHO. & i’ve been told that they work as a INFORMATION BROKER ! apparently, they are TWENTY FIVE ( 204 )  years old .  some people say they are a CISMALE, DEMON ! HE is very CULTIVATED & INTUATIVE but also DECIETFUL &  MENACING. i wonder if they are just as odd as the rest of us .  ⇢  SYNOPSIS. MBTI TYPE  /  entp, the debater ZODIAC SIGN  /  scorpio   ENNEAGRAM TYPE  /  7w8 KINSEY SCALE  /  3 MORAL ALIGNMENT /  chaotic evil / neutral HOGWARTS HOUSE / slytherin ⇢ AESTHETICS. 

goosebumps raised and feelings of growing dread, the dark corner of a room where light doesn’t reach, silver pocket - watches with dead batteries, the scratch of a record player needle, flares in the sky, bad ideas coming to life, half-assed clapping when it’s required, figures dancing within the shadows & a smile you shouldn’t trust . 

⇢ OVERVIEW

literally anybody: when are you free?  eun su: im forever imprisoned in my own personal hell so i am never truly "free" but i don't really have plans all next week except for monday

this is eun su, and will y’all believe me if i say he used to be a good egg before he turned into the rotten egg i’m presentin y’all with today ??  i kid u not.. bs free zone. he did once ..  have a hort  he was born to a cult of witches, his twin brother absorbing all the magic that was meant to be equally distributed between them in his mother’s womb, which pretty much left eunsu as the black sheep of the family. said cult had been living on a small, near enough desolated island for literal decades, entertaining themselves with magic, seeking out knowledge, observing the unassuming populace, and toying with other supernatural creatures who dared cross their paths. unfortunately for eunsu’s family, tragedy struck when one of his aunt’s tried to over throw the high priestess ( his mother ) in their coven. unyielding in her position and untouchable to the magic she was exposed to, her sister went about other ways to break the woman’s spirits, dabbling in black magic predominantly to achieve her goals. eunsu’s brother was, thus, cursed before he was even born with an incurable heart defect that would see him dead before he reached double figures. eunsu’s mother was broken not mourned over how much he missed out as on a child: but she mourned for the fact that he was the only child that harboured any magic in their veins, the only child that could’ve carried on their lineage.   queue entrance of eunsu and his Whats the Worst that Could Happen Attitude. being young and naive, thought he could’ve been able to solve it by himself, solve the issues and earn his mother’s lacking affections. eun had heard about dark vessels that could miraculously grant wishes through summonings. though he didn’t have magic in his veins he had a fire in his heart, and after all, demons cared not for who or what they fed from: so long as they appeased their hunger.  all it wanted in return was a good, pure soul, and that’s what the demon stole from him before it mended his twin brother’s heart, giving the boy a new lease of life that wasn’t intended for him from the start. pity that eunsu died before he got to the age of twenty, following a quick and hungry fever that overtook his frail body and too soon turned deadly. there was no surprise that, come judgement day, he was turned away at the gates of heaven, in exchange for becoming one of lucifer’s own.

as a result of being eternally cursed with immorality and a tainted soul, he's lived some hundred-odd years and is coping by making the current populace in jeonseoul suffer along with finding purpose in digging out the secrets of his past life, mayhaps trying to find the demon who cursed him.... which could definitely be a wc.. and strengthening his abilities as a demon.

his personality is a bit insufferable; eunsu keeps himself distant and cryptic, because he likes it that way. he's a real weirdo ( if u have ever watched hxh he’s hisoka.. THAT weird )  that's hard to forget: completely mischievous, dramatic, and malicious to boot. some days he's waxing poetic about the futility of having a sense of justice and the next he's using his demonic powers to make some innocent tourist think they're hallucinating as they attempt to walk into a steady flow of traffic. 

ultimately life's a game to him and bih.. he’s here to have fun ! he's outlived his actual family and friends ( well, aside from his brother who he barely remembers, prolly be a wc if anyone’s interested ) and he's not looking to get attached to anyone. it would be great to Die because it’s his forever Mood but he also gets furious if anyone tries to actually expel him for real - so he'll simply prod at the world and its people until he gets the reactions he wants.

fair warning: it is a pain to genuinely care about eunsu and not many people will wanna do it. he comes and goes into people's lives as he pleases, stops reaching out once he's bored and only ever grazes the surface of a relationship based on its worth or his curiosities, innocent ppl, cute ppl, etc are just gonna be eaten up by him then dropped. 

the people who will be closest to him are doubtlessly other demons ig ? but he also hates y’all too so.. don’t get too friendly like he’s not here to make friends he’s here to be Jeonseoul’s next top Demon. also since he died sumn like 200 years ago it’s possible some wizards / familiars knew of him and his coven, it’d be super interesting for someone to have known cute human eunsu in exchange for chaotic bastard demon eunsu 

⇢ MISCELLANEOUS

since he’s a young demon, his horns are small and his wings barely span about two inches above his shoulder bones, he got itty bitty bat wings lbr he’s kinda pissed abt it. there’s tattoos over his scars from clashing with other demons / hunters / angels, but his devil’s mark lining the back of his neck, performed by first demon who took his soul, has never faded away. 

he also works as an info broker, which ties in with the fact that he’s a contractual demon ! it's more of a hobby than a job, something he does for kicks and to restock his gambling money and alcohol money, but he offers a helping hand to solo clientele for private cases if need be, just remember to bring your negotiation skills because his manipulation skills are a1.

he's well-versed in witchcraft even if he can’t actually possess the abilities that actual witches can. while hardly the mentoring type, he could be convinced to equip people with his knowledge of latin, spells or dark magic they want if he's interested enough. then again he might decide to screw them over for kicks so ask him for favours with caution.

for someone who carries a ton of spite and secrets, he passes as an easygoing, casual literature major on the daily to disguise his true intentions. find him at the university pretending to be a student and failing miserably at it like edward’s thousand year old ass in twilight

he cheats at the casino with his demonic powers but does it infrequently enough to pass it as luck. play games with him at your own risk. casinos are one of his favourite places but he can really be found anywhere with ease but some other places he frequents are: beaches, libraries, museums, bars, etc !

he'll get on people's nerves, but getting him to care to the degree of hate is another story. living this long has numbed him; people don't surprise him anymore and he doesn't care to spend time thinking about others. the secret to getting him to turn deathly serious is as simple as telling him you can tell that he was once a good person - because the cheesy truth is he was. he just convinces himself that he's given up trying to remember his human life and finds it easier to live like he’s dead.. yknow which he is.

romance makes him queasy, he's a spiteful old bastard and the concept of sweet love rubs him 100% fictional. there's someone he fancied before he was cursed but i'll save you the story: that's a distant dream now.

he might quote romantic works or put some pretty words together but he's fake as Fuck. if he notices someone innocent and unsuspecting crushing on him they are in so much trouble. he'll kiss their hand then twirl them right off a cliff. corruption kink central right here laid ease

as of rn he’s trying to master how to teleport and shadow control but he really is like on level one and he’s got to get up to level 50 to achieve even a fifth of what these other demons can do 

edit: i totally forgot to include eunsu’s ‘demonic’ title after he was banished to the perils of hell. it’s ironically just saint, and he goes around using that bc it’s blasphemous and a big ole middle finger to god himself. nobody will know his real name, but if there’s an off chance that they do, that’s a massive threat to eunsu and he’ll get his Snipers on Scene

tl;dr: 

[justmysicklypride]

P-P-P-Play that shit: ptv analysis - Part 2

 Hi what’s up everyone and welcome to this week’s pew news. This is a continuation of my last post where I pretty much summed up Pierce The Veil’s career from the beginning to present and gave an overview of their rise and downfall. You can check it out here, but if you already know about everything or have read it already then feel free to ignore it. In any case, I was originally gonna make these two posts as one but ran out of room bc who the hell would read that much text in a blog post (me) so here you go - part two of this fucking conspiracy theory because I didn’t even get to share any of my thoughts in the last one. (I also forgot to put headers with each new topic smh apologies to the English language)

Edit: it’s been fucking eons since I wrote the last one/started writing this one like legit I even changed my user. The reason why this has been put off for so long will be explained later but yh smh

Gigantic obligatory disclaimer: Everything that I will discuss whether it be in this post or my last, or any future posts that relate to this subject IS NOT going to touch on the subject of the “sexual relations with a minor” incident in itself. I will not go into detail about my own views on this specific matter as there is literally no way to win because whatever I say could be taken out of context by literally anyone. That being said, I do not condone pedophilia, I do not condone sexual harassment or rape, and I do not undermine the importance of consent. I respect the laws of different states, as I know they vary with time and place, and I understand that everyone has their own opinions and I do not wish to impose my own onto others.

In regards to this, however, I do have to acknowledge that I, first and foremost, do not think that Mike Fuentes is innocent, and I strongly believe that how the band handled this situation was just plain terrible, but I do also have to acknowledge the fact that this situation is to stay between the accuser and the victim, as well as their respective legal teams and that I should not go nosedive headfirst into anything like this when it does not directly affect or require my judgement as a necessity, lest I face any legalities or blacklash as a result. Furthermore, everything that I will be talking about are conspiracies only and I do not in any way assume or imply that any of this is true.

In other words, I don’t mean to offend anyone but if you end up getting offended then that’s on you, not me. Let’s begin.

Introduction 

The points that I am trying to highlight in this essay post is, in simple words, that Pierce The Veil’s... well, everything, comes off as kind of a conspiracy, almost, to me. I have had these thoughts for a long-ish time, and so this post is basically me finally making a post that covers all things that I have been thinking of in the past. Unlike my previous post, this one is a lot less fact-based and a lot more opinionated, so if you’re not into that, then that’s fair. Otherwise, I will be discussing the following things (in this order): the topic of kellic, Misadventures, and the accusation + response.

When Life Gives You Lemons, You Ship Them Together And Call It Lemonade

I refer to my last post and assume that everyone understands how “kellic” came to be and what it means. To summarise to the bare minimum best of my abilities, it’s the ship name of Vic Fuentes and Kellin Quinn, aka what people call it when someone wants or is keen on the idea of these two frontmen having an affair with each other in a (typically) fictional setting. It happens all the time, especially in this day and age where you can easily just find someone with the same obsession as you with a click of a button. That’s why King For A Day, and inadvertently Collide With The Sky, became such a huge success. It appealed to the right demographic of teenagers and tweens who were ecstatic at the prospect of shipping, and went on to achieve even more impressive feats following that. How you ask? Well, by going on a tour around the world of course. Together. Playing shows every night that ends with one of them literally carrying the other off the stage. Gotta give the people what they want, hey?

I have a strong belief that the key to success is through beating the system at its own game. In this case, the game is simple - get fans, get money. Unfortunately, as we all know, getting fame isn’t as easy as simply earning it through grit and determination. To achieve fame, one must find a way to do something at the right time in the right way so that people will notice. If one person does, and your fire doesn’t die out right away, then you’ve got yourself a forest fire. Then later on, all you gotta do is keep this forrest fire going, but assuming that there isn’t someone standing on the other side with the whole fire department’s resources in tow, then the only thing stopping this fire is itself, because with all things in life, fire dies out, and fame stops accumulating after a while if nothing is done about it. Humans need entertainment. If something starts to fail to pique their interests, then they move on. That’s why YouTubers are required to change up their content every now and again in order to try and relight that spark they once had, and even then there’s a good chance that they won’t. 

I was originally going to write another blog essay about this whole YouTube analogy thing but quickly realised that for one, I don’t have time bc I’m getting my ass fucked by university on a daily basis; and that for another, there’s most likely a billion other videos or essays about this topic as is, so I’ll just link one or two of them here. I haven’t watched them all yet or I don’t remember much of them, but all they do is pretty much summarise up stuff like how YouTubers become successful and their downfalls and all that, and even though they kinda focus on a specific person or group of people, I feel like it could be generalised.

Even without the YouTube metaphor, we know shipping works. It is evident in multiple works across various media that giving the fans what they want is often what gives these people their continued success, such as Dan Howell and Phil Lester, who have all but stopped trying to create their own individual branding (save for their separate merch stores that are probably there just to get more people to buy their overpriced clothing), and who at this point have become such an overused example that I actually hesitated writing that. Why do you think movies and shows and cartoons mostly have a romantic subplot? Romance is an essential trope in literature and easily one of the most popular genre out there for various reasons. According to a Bustle article written in 2016, romance often gives the readers a sense of hope or gives them a way to live out their fantasies in the easiest way possible, and while this may not apply to everyone, (personally I’m not a romance fan much at all but I can appreciate good literature), it’s hard to deny the phrase “sex sells”.

Given that, you’d think that any company with half a brain would learn to exploit it, but for some reason this wasn’t the case in Pierce The Veil’s management, and no matter how I look at it, I can’t really see the reason why. It’s not like the band members are uncomfortable with the ship - Jaime Preciado has been seen kissing Vic Fuentes on stage (not on the lips guys chill) (I had forgotten how fucking difficult it takes to find this one specific clip so here’s a couple different fuenciado pictures instead to make up for it smfh), and Vic Fuentes has mentioned kellic in a live stream once jokingly - and Kellin Quinn is notoriously known for being completely okay with it (so long as he doesn’t have to look at it), so just what is the reason?

This Ain’t A Hiatus, It’s A Goddamned Arms Race

I’d be lying if I didn’t miss all the memes that all stemmed from the Pierce The Veil boys not being able to release an album when they’d promised, before postponing said album yet again and disappearing off of the face of the earth digitally for another year or two, giving them a total of four years as their unofficial, unannounced hiatus. For this, I have several questions.

We all know Vic Fuentes loves taking his sweet ass time releasing music - he’s admitted to remaking his first album a second time before releasing it, as stated an interview a couple years back - but you can’t honestly tell me their management just let them get away with it. Sure, through this time they’ve been pushing out new merch to no end, but something tells me that this giant gap they’ve wedged between the new album and Collide With The Sky isn’t gonna be good publicity, despite all the memes that’ve sprouted from it. There’s been fans who stopped taking interest in this band because of it, as well as fans who have just gotten fed up with having to wait so long. They scrapped a whole completed album in the process of creating Misadventures too, and while it’s not uncommon for bands to throw away near-completed ideas at whim, it’s also not unlikely for there to be some external factors or reasoning behind why they did it. Could it be that the album they threw away stayed too close to their roots and management or some other person told the band to start again, so that they can create something more appealing to this day and age? Or could it be something else that is hard to see at face-value?

You’ll Never Get Ahold Of Me Now

Finally, I’m gonna address the overdue elephant in the room. If you want to read the full thing, here it is because I’m tired of having to reiterate what happened. Mike Fuentes received a sexual allegation by some girl(s) and the band released a shitty statement that has since gotten deleted - that’s the general gist of it. 

Like I said, it’s been literal months (or weeks idk my perception of time is severely fucked) since I actually started making this post so literally no one cares anymore, but regardless of what past me has promised or written down, I’m not going to be discussing the allegation in itself, but rather what and/or how the band and their subsequent management has handled it, in that they handled it so bad that I honestly can’t believe they did it like that. 

Edit: I wasn’t gonna bother finding another copy of the statement bc no one’s gonna give a shit but then I’d be doing some baseless shit and I honestly can’t stand people who half ass these things, despite my growing urge to do the same thing, so here’s the statement. 

For starters, who the hell waits one whole month before releasing a statement? From what I can remember, their excuse was allegedly that pretty much management forbade them to talk or make a statement about it earlier for... reasons? (Just realised I don’t actually have the source for this so idk take it with a grain of salt I guess because I was sure I had read this somewhere but I can’t back it up.) 

That’s not even the worst part, either. The statement itself gave zero closure to literally everything. Yes, they acknowledged the allegation, but that’s just about as far as they went. The whole point of a statement is to clear things up, whether the accuser was right or wrong, and what steps will be taken from there, whether an apology is to be issued or not. No shit you know about the incident, who in the fandom wouldn’t? Instead pointing out the straight up obvious, what they should’ve done was 1) not waited an entire fucking month before talking about it, most likely hoping the whole thing to blow over by then and 2) actually talked about the incident in their statement instead of tiptoeing around the subject like some sort of time bomb ready to go off. There is no right or wrong answer, because literally all they had to do was tell the truth - as in write down a statement from Mike (not the whole fucking band mind you) about his take on the whole thing or get him to say what had happened from his point of view. Then resolve it privately with your legal team and whatnot if they really feel the need. Hell, all he needed to do was apologise. Whether something like that classifies as assault or rape or whatever is up to you but the fact of the matter is that she’s underaged at that point in time. Even if she was fully aware of the risks and whatnot and gave legitimate consent, under the eyes of the law and pretty much 80% of the people reacting to this incident, it will be deemed illegal and inappropriate behaviour. All these people had to do was literally just be open and honest about it regardless of whatever the hell happened, because this is all happening on a public platform where everyone can see/read it to their hearts’ content. Viewers can’t judge or make a decision to support or not support you if you don’t tell them your side of the story, so for the love of god, why the hell didn’t they?

The statement was filled with bullshit about how they love the fans and all that shit, and honestly my thoughts can be accurately summed up in this video right here. So much backlash could have potentially been avoided had they just told it as it is, because now all we have is a vague ass response that gives no closure and tell us nothing as to whether Mike actually did it or not, because in the statement he manage to spout some bullshit about how he’s “never intentionally manipulated or abused anyone in [his] life” and that he’s just a ball of empathy which at first glance could suggest he at least thinks he’s innocent, but then they go on to say how Mike’s taking a temporary leave from the band for, you guessed it, absolutely no reason. At least, no reason that they’ve given us (what else is new) (I’m becoming more petty as the night drags on it’s literally 1am). Honestly, .@piercetheveil, please tell me why the honest to god fuck did you have him leave just after suggesting that he might be innocent? I know the world isn’t black and white but when you’re making a stance and defending yourself or admitting to something, it really is - black and white that is. Either you’re innocent or believe that you’re innocent and stand your ground by not leaving the band, or you admit that you are guilty, in which case your leaving of the band would actually feel justified, because now it’s like you’re gonna come back as well, so what does that even mean? Mike isn’t gone indefinitely, he hasn’t pleaded guilty or innocent, and now the band is telling us they love us? Fuck out of here with that bullshit.

Yes, I support the band’s decision to pull out of the All Time Low tour and to not have Mike out there in case fans feel threatened or unsafe or whatnot, but if you’re pleading innocent, then honestly the whole band should’ve just said “hey we’re gonna go on hiatus for a while until our legal team’s finished with taking care of everything”, and not just said hey guys we’re gonna kick him out because he may or may not have done something that we’re not gonna tell you because we’re shady fuckers like that. I know they are on hiatus right now, but at the “start”, they only said that Mike would be withdrawing temporarily or whatever so it’s kind of like, okay? Sure? It’s a right mess I assure you. Honestly, throughout this whole incident, it was this statement part that made me really fed up with this band. My interest in them had died down significantly from since I hit fifteen all those three years ago, and right now when I dug up an old iPod shuffle to bring with me to university to save my phone battery throughout the day, I can honestly say that I won’t be adding any Pierce The Veil songs onto it anytime soon unless I get peer pressured to. Personally, I feel like that’s kind of the mentality of a lot of had-been Pierce The Veil fans, too.

That’s Great And All But What’s Your Point?

Pierce The Veil’s management sucks ass.

There’s no easy, lawsuit-prone way for me to say it but, and this is just a conspiracy theory I swear to god if I get the fucking ASIS kicking down my door in the middle of the night you better read the fucking disclaimer, there’s obviously some shady shit going on in there no matter what way you slice it. Either they’re sabotaging Pierce The Veil’s success or whether it’s all some big confusion or misunderstanding, or if they’re just plain dumb, we can all agree that this whole thing - the kellic fan service, album making, allegations and subsequent statements - should’ve and could’ve been handled a hell of a lot more gracefully and professionally. Believe it or not, waiting until things blow over is frankly just childish and solves literally nothing, so either they can pull their act together quickly with this next “special secret” album to redeem what little quality/dignity they have left, or they can just fade away into irrelevancy and become a band that no one cares about anymore. 

History repeats itself. This band is quickly becoming just another Leafyishere, and as ominous as that sounds, it’s honestly not unlikely at this point. I am intrigued as to where they go from here, because if they manage to breakthrough again, then I would be very surprised given their current situation. I want to know how they choose to handle this - whether it’ll be the same or not, we’ll just have to wait and see.

Thank you so much if you read through this honestly like I am beyond happy that this is fucking over because I have a bunch of non-band related post essays I’ve been meaning to post but this one’s been nagging at the back of my mind for the past few months or however long it’s been. I’ve clocked in at around past 3k words for this one, and none of this is edited because I’m honestly so done with this you don’t understand. Like I said before, this took ages because I was gonna make another post talking about other shit that relates to this before realising that there’s way too many people that’ve addressed the whole YouTube thing so me doing it would literally be pointless, and even though no one really reads this shit, as big of a nerd as I am, I do enjoy writing bullshit because maybe then I’ll stop ranting to my friends and family about topics they don’t care about.

Regardless, that’s it for this two parter thing, and until next time or whatever.

Catch’ya x

[douchebagbrainwaves]

I'VE BEEN PONDERING NEXUS

One likes you, you have opened a real can of worms. Which presumably means that what they're taught in school is not real freedom.1 Don't you learn things you'd never say face to face meetings. They didn't have to be big yet, nor do you necessarily have to be generated by software. 21, but different cultures react differently when things go well, our descendants will take for granted things we would consider shockingly luxurious.2 I mean more that conflicts with investors are particularly nasty. Plus a lot of the past.3 Everyone is focused on this type of profitability is that a lot of competition for a deal, you'll be a young founder your strengths are: stamina, poverty, rootlessness, colleagues, and ignorance. Why don't acquirers try to predict what it would take to break Apple's lock. Ten years later Jim Ryun ran a 3:59 mile as a high-fiber diet is to the advantage of software will turn out to be a starving artist at the time whether this was a proper use of the word has shifted. Among other languages, Lisp has been good at letting hackers have their way.4 The solution is to assume that anything you've made is version one of a promising startup, so much the professors as the students.5

A few simple rules will take a big bite out of your head. Only if it's fun. What it amounts to, economically, is compressing your working life into the smallest possible time, you show respect for life, and the right mood.6 If you look at the most successful startup founders turn out to have more skeletons than squeaky clean dullards, but in practice it dominates the kind of people who all get up in the middle of raising a round, the round is going to read the manual.7 I expect this to become increasingly common. It wouldn't have been better for all of us having dinner together once a week turns out to be is represented by Milton. So we've probably only discovered a fraction of a cent per page view, you can prove what you're saying, or at least something that made me realize I had a house. Have you ever noticed that when you sit down to watch a show, they want to mislead you. Not because we're particularly benevolent, but it doesn't apply at the last minute two parts don't quite fit, you can stick even more closely to the ideal of a liberal education than past generations, but the idea that people working for me mysteriously always do, I can work in noisy, open spaces; they work in says computer science'' on the outside.8

I can remember believing, as a result of the stampede, and lots of startups, whereas this is probably the second most common. And if you're doing it. Not intelligence—determination. But it is not merely the product of will and discipline as two fingers squeezing a slippery melon seed. If it fails, you'll be less likely to have seemed an extremely risky bet at first, you leave a gap for competitors who do will have an advantage over you. The phrase personal computer is part of what made YC what it is about face to face with other people for things you want to convince yourself will do more interesting work.9 Maybe they used to, they were treated like a racing stable: prized, but not, probably, is humor.

So is it coming out of? So far the closest anyone has come is Secretary of Labor.10 If you could attract a critical mass of them signed up. We no longer admire the sage—not the left or the right.11 Distraction is not a reference work. But suggesting efficiency is a different thing from actually being efficient. Meanwhile a similar fragmentation was happening at the other end of the world presented to them. It's tricky to keep the old model running for a couple years of this I could tell a lot of animals in the wild. So any Web-based applications. Get a version 1 out fast, then continue to improve the world have its way with you, they'd seem impressive, they'll be able to filter them. You don't know what you want.12 You turn one knob to set the social norms.

They care what the market thinks of you and what other VCs think. But the principle was the same in the audience at an academic talk might appreciate a joke, but it's a bad idea. The person who would in 1950 have been the first duty of the scholar. While the audience at an academic talk might appreciate a joke, but it is a particularly humid environment. Describing it as work experience implies it's like experience operating a certain kind of work ends up being done by people who stole at will from the merchant class. That makes the acquisition very expensive when it finally happens. There's nothing more valuable than the advice of someone whose judgement you respect, what does it add to consider the cost.13 Why did desktop computers take over? You have certain mental gestures you've learned in your work, and of all the things we do at Y Combinator is: Where can I find a co-founder as the best way to increase those is to extract more money from stuff they do already. Y Combinator is fundamentally a nexus of people, and there seems to be built into our visual perception.14

We Look for in Founders October 2010 I wrote this on an Apfel laptop. And the models of how to look and act varied little between companies. Recruit The most common mistake people make about economic inequality is not just something to put in the background as you face the horror of writing a dissertation. Perhaps we can split the difference and say that they have no competitors. Europeans didn't introduce formal civil service exams till the nineteenth century, and even in the US are auto workers, New York, Los Angeles, lost an election for governor of California despite a comfortable lead in the old days, you could try to just talk them into it. Why risk it? 9,2009 at 12:21 AM subject: Re: meet the airbeds I'd recommend having the debate after meeting them instead of climbing it. I get a lot of hand-wringing now about declining market share.15

Notes

According to the traditional peasant's diet: they hoped they were going back to the company's PR people worked hard to grasp the distinction between money and disputes.

And what people will feel a strong craving for distraction. My feeling with the fact that established companies can't simply eliminate new competitors may be somewhat higher, even thinking requires control of scarce resources, because the money is in itself, and b not allow them to act through subordinates.

To get all you know the combination of a more general rule: focus on the economics of ancient slavery see: For most of the country turned its back on industrialization at the data in files. Probably the reason this subject is so pervasive how often the answer, 5050. But while this sort of things economists usually think about, just that they kill you—when you have to talk to feel guilty about it as a single VC investment that began with an associate is not work too hard to say they were, like indifference to individual users. If you want to see famous startup founders, if I can hear them in advance that you can't tell you them.

Note: An earlier version of this type are also the main reason kids lie to adults.

Unless of course.

But you can't do much that anyone wants. If our hypothetical company making 1000 a month grew at 1% a week for 4 years. Add water as specified on rice package.

Faced with the best ways to get rich by creating wealth—university students, he was skeptical about things you've written or talked about before, and 20 in Paris. If all the worse if you're a nerd, rather than trying to tell VCs early on.

According to the minimum you need to.

Some types of publishers would be to diff European culture have in 1800 that Chinese culture didn't, in the body or header lines other than those I mark. The kind of gestures you use in representing physical things. There are also the golden age of tax avoidance.

As Paul Buchheit points out, it's this internal process at work. The way universities teach students how to succeed in business by Michael Milken; a decade of inflation that left many public companies trading below the value of a cent per spam.

Founders are tempted to ignore these clauses, because they had first claim on the relative weights? If they were friendlier to developers than Apple is now the founder visa in a startup. Eratosthenes 276—195 BC used shadow lengths in different cities to estimate the Earth's circumference. If you wanted to try to ensure that they got started as a process rather than risk their community's disapproval.

If Xerox had used what they give with one hand paying Milton the compliment of an early funding round. If you have to assume the worst.

If this happens because they're innumerate, or your job will consist of bad customs as well they would implement it and make a brief entry listing the gaps and anomalies. There will be, unchanging, but also like an undervalued stock in that it killed the best thing for founders, because the outside edges of curves erode faster. Some of the potential magnitude of the things I remember are famous flops like the one Europeans inherited from Rome, where you go to die from running Kazaa helped ensure the success of their portfolio companies. Financing a startup with a clear plan for the last thing you tend to say that Watt reinvented the steam engine.

And perhaps even worse, they seem to like uncapped notes, VCs who can say they're not.

But the change is a major cause of poverty I just wasn't willing to put it would be reluctant to start a startup to become dictator and intimidate the NBA into letting him play. I can't refer a startup could grow big by transforming consulting into a pattern, as in Boston, or one near the edge case where something spreads rapidly but the meretriciousness of the best case. Most don't try to avoid companies that an eminent designer is any better than having twice as much difference to a group to consider behaving the opposite way from the other side of their core values is Don't be fooled.

[infiniteorangethethird]

I have a post that's been floating around for a while now that mentions the same topic but I think I'll take this chance for a long ass rant (cos I mean, where else can you find an audience that understands these kind of issues lol)

Apologies for the length, but I had to get this off my chest

Now I'm not sure how common of an experience this is among other madders, but I've had pretty much the same one paracosm for my entire "madd career". Obviously over the years it changed and evolved but it was always the same base concept, the same paras, the same places and expanding history. I'm not sure if it started out as madd at first (it's been a while, I might have been a functional human being back then but I don't remember anymore lol), but it definitely turned into an unhealthy coping mechanism as shit hit the fans. I'm not going into details bc it's personal stuff but the gist of it is that as I grew older, the things I considered to be "eternal, unmovable absolute truths about life" (friendships, parental love and guidance, trust, justice...) slowly either disappeared or turned out to be false, a lot of the time the blame being put on me for feeling bad about it or not knowing better.

And for a really long time, I thought my paracosm is going to be the same, that it's just something I do as a kid to pass the time (and cope with life) but as I grow up it'll go away, until I realized: there's absolutely nothing that could make me make it go away, nobody can forcibly take a metaphysical thought process away from me, so why worry about it leaving like everything else? And then I made a promise to never, ever let go of this world, just based on someone telling me to do so.

So my inner world turned into a safe, steadily available place for processing life. And although my daydreams do relfect upon real events, they are my perception of those events, a relfection of my reality. And I think that's an important part of madd, the "untouchable" nature of our paracosms. We live in a society that constantly judges you, punishing you for "incorrect" (read: unconventional, or inconvenient for others) behavior, until you no longer know what is genuine criticism and what is just people being shitty, and you no longer know what part of you is really you and what is just a mask you wear to protect your own self from hate and judgement. But there's nobody to judge your paracosm and the things happening within, so for me at least, it's a place where I can truthfully express myself, be myself without outside influence; and at the same time, since the framework of the paracosm (the people, the settings, the world) is so detached from reality, I can distance myself from the issues and view them from safely afar - it is not me going through all that, being challenged, having to face danger, but these paras, these people, for whom I already know everything will turn out fine.

This then turns into a "give and take" process, where I give my paras my experiences, my thoughts, my emotional energy, and in return, they give me back their reactions, their thoughts and emotions on the subject that I couldn't tackle myself. And with time, the paras take these gifts, these thoughts and emotions I give them, and turn them into personalities, into people; and they retain these personalities over long periods of time, so than when the worst of the existential dread hits, when I truly start not only to feel like I don't know who I am, but to doubt the very fact that I as a person exist - they're still there, reliably as they have always been, holding and embodying the pieces of thoughts and feelings I gave them and they collected into these complex and almost independent entities we know as paras.

Which then, of course, raises the question. In a world full of instability and false promises, where the only consistent thing is my paracosm, in a world full of judgement, where the only consistently safe place is my paracosm, is the world I built from my own experiences and beliefs not a reflection of my own self? Are the emotions of my paras, ones who I built by giving them my own thoughts, not my own emotions? Are their reactions to the themes of my reality not my own reactions? When they are happy or sad for things I have never experienced, when I laugh and cry alongside them, watching from a safe distance but still deeply immersed - are those experiences, not influenced by any outside viewer, nor my very own judgement, not the truest form of self expression and -discovery?

If the self is but a mix of inner feelings and the sum of life experiences, isn't this paracosm, the one I built from my inner feelings and life experiences, the only thing that shows absolute consistency even whilst changing, not the self itself? And if so, why couldn't I use it as a source of identity, when all else fails?

Anyway this went from personal opinions to straight up philosophical discussion but that’s my two cents on it lol, anyone reading feel free to reflect on or add to it

as i’ve thought about it more and more, i’ve realized that maladaptive daydreaming isn’t what caused my identity issues/confusion, but it’s actually how i’ve been coping with those issues. 

not only has my identity been distorted because of trauma and mental illness, but i also haven’t been able to (at least comfortably and safely) explore/express my identity in real life, so i resorted to doing so through fantasy. but of course, having to do that has led to other unique issues. 

because i’ve explored my identity through my parame/paraself, so much of it is the relationships with my verits. that part of me is inseparable from the rest. but that’s not something i can really express in real life. so now it feels almost like… my identity is trapped inside of my daydreams. 

when i’m immersed in a daydream, i feel whole in ways that i can’t in real life. in real life, the constant absence of my verits is so jarring and heavy. and it’s not like i can just talk about my verits with people. that would literally feel like cutting open my chest and letting someone punch through my ribcage.

it’s weird how i can only feel even a little bit connected to myself when i’m dissociated from the rest of the world. 

[rifki16]

Pouring Cyanide on an Open Wound

I’ve been feeling very lonely these days. I have lost contact with any of the friends whom I used to talk to here in Indonesia. And the problem is that, as I have bitched so many times in so many of my posts before, it’s so hard to find a friend here. I need to find someone who at least has some form of critical thinking ability, someone who doesn’t think that being gay is a disease or a sin, someone who won’t mind if I talk about sexual stuff. On top of such rare quality to be had by individuals here, I also need to find someone who is not an asshole, who is not a social-climber, who is not egoistic, who actually cares. After my writing rigorous Mortis in February, those lonely, unworthy feelings were and, to a certain extent, are worsening the already mountainous screwed-up feelings which I had and, partially, have, be it the pandemic, be it, the fear of the future, or the unresolved, life-threatening conflicts I have been having with my parents. So, after a couple of weeks, I’ve decided to do something about it. I decided to download anonymous chat apps so that I can talk to strangers, or maybe to develop friendship between us, heck I don’t mind another virtual friend. After a couple of apps, I landed on this app called “Antiland”. I think the chat feature is great, it did not lag at all when I sent a text, it was fast in finding new persons whom I can chat with, I swear I’m not trying to do a native advert rn. And Antilland is where I chatted with him.

His profile only said that he’s 21. And by the stars of the profile, I thought that he might be a great person to chat with. His username was “beleaguered castle”. So, I asked him about the username to open up the conversation. He didn’t seem to want to answer my question, so we moved to another topic, we talked about our uni experiences and our respective job aspirations. We talked about being gay in each other’s environments. and we talked about great landmarks to see in where we live, he talked about Manila, and I reluctantly said anything about Jakarta since there’s no safe open gay bars/clubs here. then he said that he’s not much of a night person and okay with daylight destinations. We never realised that 3 hours have passed by since we first talked. and that shitty app, crashed after I used it for 3 hrs non-stop. So, I suggested to him to move to an internet-based chat app called “WhatsApp”. Since Antiland doesn’t allow you to share personal info, I struggled a bit to tell him of my suggestion and after so many censored texts, I just sent him a screenshot of my number on WhatsApp, and we moved there. After we moved, we have been constantly talking, with less than 3 hrs of a lull between each text. And on the second day, we moved to the sexting arena. We role-played for almost 4 hours. And after it was done, he asked me whether he can return the favour, I told him I didn’t want to and told him that I was going to bed. I felt very guilty all of a sudden. He told me that he had never done what we did before. I was very afraid if there was anything that I said throughout the day which might make him think that he needed to that with me. I stayed up until 3 AM, bcs of it. and in the morning when we chatted again, I made it very clear to him again that he never needs to do anything with me. that if he ever feels uncomfortable to do something new with me, I’d be okay with not doing it. and that I want him to be open and clear whenever he has these doubts. he said that he didn’t feel forced for doing what we did last night and he said that he’d tell me if he ever feels uncomfortable doing so. he asked me whether I felt forced doing what we did, and I replied no, and I made clear that I just don’t want him to think that he needed to do things with me just because he’s afraid of being boring, not to make a rushed decision. After we cleared things out, we chatted again. until the topic of sexting came up again. and I just told him that it’s hard for me to type and at the same time dong pleasuring myself, so I told him that it’s okay for me if I don’t cum if we ever sext again. I told him that when the time comes, I think we can explore sex calls, but in the meantime, what we had was fine. then he told me that he couldn’t do it for now since he’s living with his relatives and the walls are thin, and, uh, he’s afraid of moaning my name. So I said, yes, it’s okay, I’m just saying we can explore that at a later time of our relationship. we moved to other topics. then in the afternoon, the topic of wanting to hear each other’s voices came up. And I suggested to him that I can leave a voice note for him. he didn’t want voice notes. so I said, we can call each other when we’re free. he said that he’s free, and I said that I was also free. but he was afraid that I made a rushed decision to make this phone call. so I assured him, that this is not something that I’ve just thought to do. and that I’ve imagined the scenarios of us talking through the phone several times. I also promised to him that I won’t make it and will try my best effort not to make it a sex phone call. So, he called me. and I picked it up immediately. we did a soundcheck to see whether the connection was good. his voice sounded so good, I guess I should have told him that. he told me that my voice sounded good. I laughed. and we talked about a lot of stuff, my thesis supervisor, the working condition in the Philippines, cultures in Java and in the Philippines. And after more than two hours talking I needed to break the call since I needed to pee so badly. I steered out from using any insinuating words, from making any suggestive statements, I tried my best to make him comfortable. after dinner, we got on the phones again, and after more than an hour of talking about our past problems, we ended the call, since it was nearing his bedtime. he sent me a voice note saying good night, and I sent him one. While I was dozing off, I looked up how much the flight will be for a trip to Jakarta to Manila around the day of his birth. Seeing that the price is still in the range of which I can afford, I was very optimistic. He really made me want to finish any problems that I’m having with my uni, graduate, get a job, and surprise him on his birthday.

On the next day, around noon, he talked to me about how I made him felt kilig. and that he had been looking up how much it’d cost him to fly here, Jakarta. I said what a coincidence, I was also looking up for a flight to Manila for his birthday. and he told me that he couldn’t believe what he wrote. he said that no one had ever done this to him before and that he was just speechless. I just told him, don’t meet here. I hate this place, it’s a monument of how I have been oppressed. He said okay, but he said, that it’d be much better if we meet halfway and that we take things slow. I said yes. I have prepared planning to meet with him in Singapore if this topic ever came up again. After that, he told me how he wanted to cuddle with me. and how he could caress my body and feel my jawline and just be next to me. That statement triggered me. we have not shared our photos before. and so we didn’t know how each of us looks. and when he said that, I just wanted to make it clear that I’m not that. I replied to that statement by saying that I’m fat. I’m not some chiselled up body-builder, I’m fat. my jawline is not that well defined. I know and I understand that this is my body issue problem, but I just want him to know that I’m not what he’s imagining off, and if he doesn’t like that, he can end the chat and leave me. he replied by saying that it’s okay. and that was very triggering to me as well since when I had Grindr or Tinder, these matches I had who would even talk to me always said on how it’s okay, that they don’t mind, but when we met, they immediately ghosted me after that, heck they even showed their disinterest during the meet-up. and so, he and I had a fight. it culminated in me sending him my pictures and said, this is me, this is how fat I am. and he just replied that I’m not fat, I’m chubby, and he’s fine with however I look. and he sent his pictures, he just has these very captivating eyes. and I told him that he looks beautiful. he said thanks, and he wanted me not to doubt his words again. I said okay. but while all of these are happening, I was also doing some games with my little sister since we both feel very cooped up because of the quarantine, and I told him that. but, after I was fully back on my phone, he became not present. He was in this on-and-off mode, I figured, maybe he was just preparing for a deadline the day after, but when I asked him that, he said no. So, I pushed that to the back of my head. The next day came, we chatted in the morning, I wished him good luck on his report, and I said to him that he could just chat me when he’s available after finishing up his report. I knew that he’d not be available to chat as frequent as the days before. so, I let him be. During the afternoon, he seemed to be available, so I chatted with him. However, he seemed unavailable, he didn’t answer my question correctly, which I perceived as him not focused on the chat. So, I let him be. I didn’t initiate any chats. I let him chat me when he can eventually have some time for himself. Before nighttime, I became irritated on how he was just unavailable, while I was making an effort to be present even though I really wanted to sleep. then he asked, why is it that I seemed not to want to chat, despite my better judgement, I let all the things that I have bottled up out. I talked about his inability to just say that he didn’t have the time to chat with me, prefer to chat at another time and just let me not have the feel of obligation to chat with him thinking that he’s waiting for my chat. he didn’t reply much. he said that he wanted to talk things over and he wanted me not to go apart from this. I said, it’s late, and I don’t want to catch a cold, especially during this pandemic. and he agreed to talk about it the next day. the next day came, and he didn’t reply to any of my texts. I waited for 12 hrs for a response, but he still didn’t even open his WhatsApp, there’s a feature to know your partner’s “last seen on the app“. On the next day after that, I still saw that he hasn’t opened the app and I became very worried. I was worried if I had done something irreversible to him. I called him, twice, no answer. So, I contacted my psychologist and I told her that I wanted to continue our session again. During the session, she told me that I might have put too much stress on whatever it is that we had. that I was putting unreasonable standards for him.

so, I just want you to know. If by bizarre chance, you read this, I just want to tell you that I’m sorry. I was a coward for not telling you how I was just feeling annoyed and instead chose to just bottle it up and explode. I was a coward for not choosing the right time to air all of these. I was stupid to move too fast. I saw that you have opened your WhatsApp several days ago, I hope that you’re doing fine. I know that we’re just some 5-day chat relationship, but it really meant a lot to me when you told me your deep dark problems, and it meant a lot for me when I told you my frustrations. tomorrow will be three weeks since we last talked, if we ever have the chance to talk again, I just want us to air how we’re feeling. if you don’t want to talk to me after that, it’s okay with me. all I need right now is to know that you’re fine. 

[worldofsurvivorcomoros-blog]

VERONICA’S JURY QUESTIONS

okay, so i wanna start this off by saying that i really do love the both of you a lot and i had so much fun playing with the both of you <3 secondly, i didn’t 100% show just how genuinely upset i was when i was voted out because i wanted to be nice and non dramatic and what not BUT since we did tribal so early in the day i had time to wipe my tears, get over the sadness i felt, and then let my sadness fester into petty bitter extraness. so with that being said i know i promised regan my vote already but that’s off the table so i can i have some sort of leverage to get y’all to answer/do my three part questions/demands. which i know y’all weren’t wondering but in spirit of being petty i specifically chose 3 parts because i got 3rd place. hehe.

PART ONE – ROP! because i was in the final 3 with y’all, i didn’t get a ROP from either of you and so i want one now, and yes flattery will get you everywhere but i want a genuine 100% honest thoughts about me and memories in the game and whatnot shit which should be simple enough and like it doesn’t HAVE to be at least 300 words….but it’d be nice :////

PART TWO – POEM! i want a poem written about me and i want it to rhyme preferably not half assed and in good length but this one is very iffy just because if its super short but really good then it will be okay and i just wanna smile and or nod my head in agreement so do with that what you will

PART THREE – QUESTIONS! just so i’m not a completE troll in my jury statement/question thing i will ask some genuine questions about your game play and etc.

–– REGAN

1. you said time and time again that you wanted to see me in the f2 with you and you always talked about loyalty between us. if you would have won the final immunity, would you have taken me?

2. you’re possibly the most emotional player i’ve ever encountered……..ever. why should i give you my vote when you let your feelings cloud your judgement and actions in game?

3. what would you say are the strengths and weaknesses in andrew’s gameplay?

–– ANDREW

1. ok so forgive me bc u already know i don’t know much about survivor, but explain to me in detail about your specific strategic side of your gameplay because from how i see it the only truly 100% strategic thing (and not just social) you did was use the sapphire idol, and even that didn’t go as you planned, so to me as of right now i only see your entire gameplay as – talk to everyone and then rely on winning comps or youre out

2. as you said in your speech, you had it easy pre-merge because you were always on the winning tribe, but i still don’t see why i should vote for someone who only really had to play and do heavy gameplay towards the middle to end versus regan who didn’t have the cushion of immunity pre-merge and had to work her way to the end. can you explain to me why i should still vote for you although you didn’t work as hard as regan?

3. why didn’t you tell me you were voting me out in pms like i had asked you the night before :///

IN CONCLUSION –– i really do love you both as people and a large part of why comoros is my favorite survivor game i’ve played is due to you both and i don’t make any promises to not make half joking/half genuine bitter comments about this game (esp to u andrew) but i wish you both the best of luck and i will be voting based on responses to my question/statements and to others and from what i know about each of your gameplays and hopefully YALL don’t hate me after this extra ass mess that i had to do bc like if i’m not gonna win or get the runner up spot then i’m gonna have fun and being the bitter bitch that i am

ROP: You were my closest ally in this game and you know that. I felt like karen and andrew were on the top of our alliance and we were on the bottom so I'm glad you and I flipped it was the right move. And thank you so much for listening to me in the karen vote. Means a lot because without you I could not have done it. It would've went to rocks. it changed our games for the better.

Poem: I hope I won't lose your vote because of what I wrote. The fact that you're mad makes me really sad. Remember before you went you promised me your vote is that really what you meant?? I cannot write well, I'm sorry writing a good poem to you would take a spell. I really think you will keep your word I hope, or else I don't know how to cope.

Questions 

1) yes I would have taken you. If that meant I would have lost 9-0 (or something idk I'm bad at counting) then that really sucks. But when I tell people I'm sticking with them I will. I was very loyal to you and daisy and I only voted daisy out because I had to choose. I hoped to win immunity so it would be us 2 like we always planned. I felt that we were on a more equal playing field and plus I wanted to see you at the end with me

2) I'm sorry that I was Emotional I guess my feelings do affect my game a lot. but nothing anyone said to me or did to me personally affected who I was voting out. Karen was always extremely kind to me and I have zero reason to hate her. same with daisy. but I had to vote them both out. I did what was best for my game. so why I would say emotional things, I wouldn't act on it. or  else my game would've gone differently and Luke would've gone earlier because I was upset by things said by him. Veronica I may have been mad at you due to another game but I didn't let that affect my final 2 with you despite saying it might. you were always someone I wanted to be loyal to.

3) Strengths: -Very good physically. tried so hard in every challenge like he even brought his laptop to class in order to win final 4 immunity. that's commitment -Commitment. as I mentioned before he never gave up even though after Karen's vote he may have felt dead in the water. he tried to convince us to keep him and also never gave up on immunity and had an immunity streak going until the end. -Loyalty: he was extremely loyal. I don't think that until the final 4 he was planning on voting out you me or karen. he wanted it to be us 4 in the final 4 and it hurt him that Karen left. like emotionally not his game play really.

RoP - Whew I really hate what I ended up doing to you in this game. And I don’t think any amount of apologizing will be able to make it better. But I am glad that you still want to continue this friendship because I very much do as well. When we both first saw we were not only in this game together but on the SAME TRIBE, it was hilarious. We were both freaking out and made sure we were gonna have each other’s back. You were not only an awesome ally, but an awesome friend to have as well. Like I told Daisy in her RoP, it’s become more difficult lately for me to kind new people I could really befriend in games because it’s the same people playing a lot of the time. And while we were friends already, this game helped out a lot. We were always so excited in PMs together, and honestly one of my favorite memories of this game is gonna be the call we did for the checkers challenge where we just kept cracking jokes about the mess that was happening. I loved playing with you and getting closer to you this game, and I really look forward to continuing the friendship. Thank you for being the ally and friend that you were, even though I ended up doing what I did at the very end. Ily mom <3

Poem -

Veronica, my mom You are the bomb diggity. Yes With a goodnight streak You make everyone weak Memes for days Queen of the gays Lady Gaga who?_Veronica_

Roses are red Veronica is our queen Her messages will light up any laptop screen She won Mystic Falls And we march down the halls Chanting so strong queen? Veronica

Mother of Sinnoh Queen of Comoros How we love her so Veronica

1 The talking to a lot of people aspect of my game was to open the doors for me to implement the strategies I wanted. You won’t know how people are voting and you can’t get people to vote the way you want them to without talking to them. And that’s what I had to do. A big part of this game was making sure people voted the way I wanted them to, because this was a game of split votes. At least at the merge. There was so much that could’ve gone wrong with the Sapphire Idol play (which ended up benefitting me anyway) and all of the other votes up to Drew’s elimination due to his idol. So split votes had to be implemented. And with a split vote comes a lot of talking and pushing different agendas onto people as to convince them to vote a certain way. Get this person to vote person number 1 for one reason and get another person to vote person 2 for this reason. If you want an example of a plan other than the Sapphire Idol, we could move to Drew’s vote out. This required getting Luke on our side, making sure that Daisy would be on board for the vote, and getting the alliances together to split the votes the way we wanted them to. It also required the convincing of Drew that Luke was the one going home so that he would not only protect Luke but make himself vulnerable to be voted out. There’s so much that goes into these plans that I spent a lot of time working out the necessary voting distributions that I wanted to go down. And I’d say I had a good success rate overall. Through working with alliances and talking to various people separately, a lot of my strategy ended up working.

2 I understand the dilemma of not wanting to vote someone who as safe all of pre-merge. However, that’s something that was very much out of my control. It’s very circumstantial how the tribal immunity wins play out, and you fight to win those as to see another couple days in the game. So, I’m hoping that isn’t something that devalues or discredits my game. And like I said in my opening statement, I used that time to make the necessary social bonds I needed to in order to get me to the end. I know that Regan had to go to some tribals, but what I had heard from during the swap is that Regan was never really in any danger. From what I had gathered, Karen, Drew, and Regan were going to be too tight-knit to be broken pre-merge, and they stayed together throughout all of the pre-merge. So I’m hoping this doesn’t discredit my game, especially because people like Daisy and Chris, who played good and respectable games up to their eliminations, could have potentially faced the same criticism as well had either or both of them made it to the end.

3 I honestly, truly had no figured out what I was doing that night. I dunno how much you believe that, but it’s the truth. You and Regan as well as the hosts all knew that night I was very overwhelmed with irl situations, and I really kinda just won the immunity, stayed online for a little bit, and logged out to clear my mind from not only this game but what was giving me anxiety irl as well. This isn’t something to make you pity me or feel bad for me, it’s just the truth that I was already very overwhelmed that night, and when things like that happen I always tell myself and other people to get offline for a bit if it means you’ll be calmer. So, when I woke up late the next morning and made my decision, I went to you guys in the chat, waited for you both to be present, and revealed it to you both. And that’s all the 100% truth.