#bc I know that man was not coping healthily

[arch-aeology]

he may be a mass murderer, but he pays his damn child support

(tumblr I am begging you not to eat the image quality)

[deus-and-the-machina]

I think an underlooked part of what shaped jin’s mindset was how even back in Torna, he was considered “property”. He and Lora spent their whole lives avoiding the authorities of Torna because they believed would straight up execute Lora to get Jin back, and no one ever denies it. and this has seemingly been a fear since Lora was a child. Jin had to hide his face everywhere he went. Maybe Torna wouldn’t have been cruel enough to execute a child, especially since the king seemed decent(?) enough, if not a bit distant. But the fact it was even a fear at all for Lora since she was so young is just awful to think about. 

According to his past self’s journals, Jin and his old driver fought in a war of independence for Torna, perhaps what made him a hero to begin with. and because he’s a war hero for deeds he doesn’t even remember, the kingdom considers him owned by them. Which is on the nose in two different ways ngl. Both in how the Blades are seen and a wider metaphor of soldiers/state. idk it’s just very sad to think about

[starofhisheart]

This scene in s2 w Ed and Frenchie

Parallels with this scene w Ed and Izzy from s1

(Had to snip a part out so it would fit but at first Izzy denies and then he actually tries, albeit begrudgingly.)

I always thought the scene with Izzy was showing how disconnected the pair are and while I still think that, the s2 scene shines new light on that original interaction. Where Izzy is trying to understand his boss, Frenchie doesnt even try and only denies. This is understandable ofc with everything Ed has put him and his friends through but its just interesting how they chose to parallel the scenes. Here, Frenchie has just become first mate and its almost like Ed hopes he'll be a sort of Izzy stand-in or at least falls back on his usual rapport with his first mate. But Frenchie is not Izzy. And this parallel highlights that.

I've had theories about how Ed sees Izzy and s2 has given us so much food for thought. When Izzy directly asks him "Who am I to you?" Ed softly says "what", like he's not even sure himself. The look on his face is blank but almost imploring and unsure. Izzy is just...Izzy. Friend? Lover? Thats too complicated and yet not as complicated as their relationship with each other. Izzy has clearly thought about it but has Ed? They've been together for so long ("I've been cleaning up your messes my whole fucking life.") without communicating their feelings. Bc thats what pirates do right? They dont have time for soft things like feelings.

But then Ed goes off and finds a new lover unlike any of his others and Izzy panics. Stede is a threat to their way of life, unsafe-at least thats how Izzy sees it-and then its over and Ed is breaking, depressed and then pretending to be ok

TW: suicide discussion

-and to speak on that specific point some more, I subscribe to the belief that post Lucius-talk-Ed where he's planning music shows, etc is not him coping healthily. We see this paralleled in s2 where after Izzy is "dead" Ed puts his hair up, starts cleaning and seems "chipper". But then we know he's planning to kill himself and everyone on board that same day. So this whole charade feels...macabre. He's getting his affairs in order in preparation for the big deed. Depression CAN look like this too.

When Izzy confesses he has love for Ed he says it haltingly, like its hard to even get the words out, like he's never said anything like this before (and he probably hasn't). And the words he chooses too. Instead of "I love you" he says "I have love for you". Its like he's saying after everything, all the pain and heartache, I still have love for you. But Ed refuses to, can't hear what Izzy is saying, and dismisses his confession. Perhaps he thinks this is a ploy too. After all he's unlovable right?

But we know from later scenes that Ed does love Izzy

in his own way. Some may interpret this line as platonic, some romantic-but I think it's more complicated than that. Again, Izzy and Ed have been together for so long the lines have blurred. They love each other like a brother. They're partners. They hate each other. They're an extension of each other. They're coworkers. Boss and right hand man. They can't imagine being without the other.

Well, whatever they feel for each other its capital C complicated that's for sure.

I have so many thoughts about ✨️them✨️ but I'll leave it here for now. No hate in the comments pls. Both men are my lil meows meows and have done nothing (and everything) wrong. Love those gay dudes fr.

[pixieswashere]

First off, I agree with everything with what OP said here. I want to also add onto this that it makes no sense for AU!Jinx/Powder not to have her mental illness/psychosis, not only bc of the fact she had it since she was a child....but also bc in that universe.....Vi is dead...like SHE IS GONE. If anything the trauma and psychosis would still be there, if not worsen overtime.

Like at first when I started it, I didn't think much thinking that in this universe she had professionall help in coping with it healthily.....but then the Vi reveal and the fact we didnt see her having some hallucinations or voices is what ruined this......her ONLY last remaining family to her parents and who was very close to her clearly...is DEAD. Jinx loved her sister so much and had a mental breakdown as a kid when she LEFT her to go and find Vander. The only person who was there that BELIEVED in her, STUCK up for her, and practically raised her along Vander. You're telling me, Jinx wouldn't have any slightest of a breakdown or crisis over that??? At all??? Even when considering her mental state???

Adding to this for Viktor (bc I love him and I 100% agree that his character was fumbled)

Viktor NEVER hated himself in s1 let's get that straight. In S1, he makes a very big POINT to show that he has always carried himself and that in whatever he does, he is proud of it because he believed in himself enough to accept who he is and DOESN'T care about what others think of him

"When you're going to change the world don't ask for permission."

"I didn't have the benefits of a patron or a name, I simply....BELIEVED in MYSELF."

You could argue that while yes he is self-assured and confident, he still has some insecurities of how people close to him perceive him....and that could be true, but it's not really ever alluded. He DOES care about making connections but hes isolated himself bc of these judgements that its almost second nature if not a rarity. But he does value companionship, its just not something he is accustomed to a degree, and he sometimes without consideration distances himself from it if it gets in the way of his aspirations (Ex: Sky/Jayce, Heimerdinger/Singed.) In the latter acts of S1 he was DYING he wasn't hating himself because of his "terminal illness" that was killing him or his disability....He was in a vulnerable and solemn state because he felt like his accomplishments meant or achieved NOTHING. This is a character that is selfless, altruistic and a workaholic who worked his way up with dreams of something better and now after so many years in developing Hextech he's seeing that what he strived to achieve for the improvement of his home that's also DYING because of Piltover's ignorance and oppression, is unable to do NOTHING about it now.

He is angry that he has no CONTROL over his fate and the assuredness of his Legacy = helping those in need for the Undercity because of Jayce and Piltover's lack of understanding, especially after they had complied building the Hexgates for their trade disputes first.....over the disputes of lives. Viktor has contemplated death because he knows time is fleeting and he wants to make it count for something good, he doesnt want to be remembered as PERFECT, he wants to be remembered in the contributions that the people of Zaun will FINALLY heal/be helped after so long and not have to live short lives bc of unsafe work environments, manual labour, illnesses cause by toxic chemicals and etc.

He even brushes the idea of when he'll die off, and you could even add that he is ticked off by the fact that hes now being perceived as a "dead man" before he even died (Ex. Heimerdinger convo and Jayce in the hospital, etc). He doesn't like being seen as powerless or as his terminal illness now because he ISN'T and never was. Furthermore, he doesnt use the Hexcore to "PERFECT" himself, he's using it to heal himself of his terminal illness/expand his lifespan so that he can continue his research in helping Zaun.

If he is going to use Hexcore, he needs to make sure that it will work. So, to tests its capabilities, he tests it on HIMSELF. Only to find out that the same thing he created to HEAL ended up killing someone that meant a lot to him. He wasted NO TIME telling Jayce to destroy it bc it harmed someone and he finally realizes that ensuring a legacy = saving people....ended up at the cost of harming people in return.

P.s. sorry this was long. Hope you enjoyed reading it if u did !

I don't have perfect thoughts on it, but I do want to note that I'm not loving how Arcane handles disability.

Viktor hating his disability so deeply, feeling that it needs to be "fixed" so thoroughly, that he succumbs to ~ultimate eugenics for everyone ~ ?????? fucked up

Jinx's psychosis being a manifestation of her being "unhinged" and encouraging her to act out either to challenge or appease them, and then her psychosis magically disappearing in the "perfect" universe????? also fucked up

Vi's alcoholism and (albeit mild) psychotic symptoms never being brought up....ever???? just created as fodder to make her a more angsty and submissive lapdog to facism????? also also fucked up

Let me have my mad/cripple characters who have their shit recognized as parts of their humanity rather than trauma porn plot or things that need to be corrected or traits indicative of rash violence please

[angeltrapz]

Idk if you’ve done this already but have you done a fic about David l? He’s too underrated and it would be cool to know what you think after his game :)

I haven't written anything yet but I have considered it!! I rlly would like to write smth for him eventually, because despite the fact that I don't talk abt him often, he's a character I'm Super fond of. I'm super happy that he's like, a prominent character still despite only being in the short film,, he deserves better & yeah he's definitely underrated!!

As for what I think after his game: I know we see him being interrogated, but I feel like the legal outcome would be the same as in Amanda's case - no arrest being made because of the circumstances. He did what he had to to survive and obviously it wasn't ideal whatsoever, but it's not as though he had a choice.

I've always thought that he'd really struggle with the fact that he'd had to kill someone, let alone the whole fucking experience of being in the Reverse Bear Trap. My interpretation of David is that he's very relaxed, very chill - maybe more than he should be sometimes - but ultimately he's a good dude with a good heart who doesn't want to cause anyone pain (unless he's defending himself). I think that it would weigh heavily on him, because even though he Literally didn't have a choice, it's still terrible to cope with. There's no easy way to deal with the fact that you killed someone. I definitely think it'd be like... almost survivor's guilt, because it was either him or the paralyzed man. That's just. A lot.

He probably quits working as an orderly, given that that's where he was ambushed,, he has a hard time using elevators. He never feels comfortable when he's on his own. He's always looking over his shoulder when he walks anywhere because what if what if what if. He has difficulty with being outside, which is just great given that he still needs a job if he wants to make rent (I HC that he's,, also in a poor financial/living situation, like Adam). He has to deal with a lot of people asking him questions they have zero business asking, has to deal with constant and debilitating invasions of what little privacy he has left after his name becomes common knowledge following his test.

I like to think that after Amanda's test (bc if we're including David in canon, I believe he'd be the first one to experience the RBT), in a non-disciple AU, the two of them kinda like. Meet at a bar or some such place, both recognizing each other from having their names and faces blasted all over the news, and it's like... this twisted kinship, you know? They've both been through the exact same form of hell, right down to what they'd had to do to get that key. I think for them it's a very like... intimate understanding? That no one else really has of them? And I think both of them struggle pretty fucking hard after what they've been through, so finding someone who understands so perfectly what it was like is almost reassuring. Just like "hey, there's someone out there who Does understand," y'know?? They both deserved better so my city now!!! I just really think it'd be good for them both. There's something about this stranger knowing you far better than anyone else ever has that has them thinking, and that's how they end up becoming friends.

Overall I think it would definitely take quite a bit of time for David to fully process + begin coping with his experience, and none of that journey is easy or pleasant whatsoever, but he'd get there eventually. I like to think maybe he volunteers at an animal shelter or maybe even goes to college for recreational therapy (art) to help kids work through their trauma/cope with things healthily. I love him and he deserves to be happy, so I like to think he eventually finds that happiness <3

[reversecreek]

lily for magda (thinking about figs feeling evil), tulip for cricket, marigold for ziggy, chrysanthemum for bradley, belladonna for nyla

lily :   how does your muse view their mother ?  

magda doesn’t know a lot abt her mum. she knows vague snippets n details bt they’re all very elusive. it’s kind of a tricky subject where her mum’s concerned bc when she was younger she’d come up w all these assumptions abt how her mum was n who she’d be if she were with her but the rational part of magda was like..... u don’t know any of this. ur literally making things up. it’s kind of hard for a kid to have that vital person missing from their life n to resist the urge to fill in the blanks with their own projections so the space feels less empty. it’s like having a tooth missing n ur tongue always going back to poke at the spot in ur gum. there’s a constant reminder of loss in that. magda knows her mum liked to sing bc her dad said once she’d always sing to her belly when she was pregnant. this is a lot of the reason why magda has always cared so much abt music bc she took this fact in her fist n grasped it tight n never let go n in a way grew parts of herself around it. it’s like............. i feel like her mum dying in childbirth gave her lots of issues when it comes to her identity n like. who she is n who she wants to be.......... bc of magda’s issues w her dad i feel like she got into this habit growing up of rly putting who her mum could have been on a pedestal n basing everything around that.... she’d be like I’m More Like Her (a belief which was only accelerated bc her dad would drunkenly say she looked so much like her) n cling onto that so she liked herself more bc the other option was her dad who she loves but he’s also an incredibly flawed person n they hv a complicated relationship...... i think as she’s gotten older she’s realised her mum cld very well have been that way too n putting people on pedestals isn’t the way to go about things but. idk. as a kid she was kind of obsessed w this idea of her n this idea that her mum being gone was the beginning n end of everything wrong in her life. for the most part now magda accepts she never knew her n sometimes even feels stupid for grieving her at all bc she never knew her to grieve in the first place but. there’s a tiny part of magda tht still hangs on to the comfort of what she could have had n it’s obvious by the fact she still keeps a photograph of her folded up in her pillow. she loves the mum she made up in her head n she wishes she got to meet her. there’s this sense tht maybe then she wouldn’t feel like this culmination of missing parts more than a person if she’d had that in her life. sighs n lks away holding my dyed black emo bang.....

tulip :   how does your muse view people in general ?  

cricket is like. the strangest little anomaly of a person FGHKSFGHSFKGH bc like. u would rly think that after everything he’s been thru he would just have this absolutely jaded view of people and life in general and i wouldn’t even......... blame him for it if he did like. i’d understand completely bc he’s experienced A Lot of bad stuff. n yet somehow he just.... idk. i think i wrote in a reply once this comparison of cricket n a cockroach in the sense that they have this incredibly reinforced exoskeleton n even if they’re stomped flat they can keep living n bounce back from it n that’s very him but it’s more specifically the hope inside him. he has this little candle lit that good things can still happen midst all of the terrible things n i genuinely can’t see it snuffing out at any point even tho sometimes he might want it to. sometimes i think he even gets into these frames of mind where it jst infuriates the fk out of him bc in his head he’s like why do u even think good shit can happen when u have sm overwhelming evidence to the contrary but then he’s also like. look u can dwell on the bad or u can notice the way the light falls thru the leaves in the trees and u can think to urself inside ur head as u listen to someone u love talking abt something that makes them happy ‘hey this feeling is nice n there’s a dozen others like it’. idk. against all odds he’s an optimist. he has tinnitus in his left ear n sometimes he pretends the ringing is angels trying to talk to him. he likes to search for the silver linings in things to make them bearable n that’s how he gets by. obviously he knows there’s evil in the world n that a lot of people can be shit bc he has firsthand experience w that but he also believes there are people to serve as the antithesis to that n he wants to focus on them bc like. why give bad stuff the time of day. not necessarily always a positive coping mechanism (if u bottle up bad feelings n thoughts they leak thru one way or another aka his overwhelming anxiety) but like.... i think there’s a lot of bravery in that n i respect him for it i won’t lie. he cld have become very bitter bt instead he’s like that quote that’s like 'the gentleness that comes, not from the absence of violence, but despite the abundance of it'. suddenly slaps his little anxious rump (supportive) (affectionate)

marigold :   is your muse prone to jealousy ?  how might they handle envious feelings ?  

it’s hard to say w ziggy............... i feel like he doesn’t want to think he’s prone to jealousy bc he’s like i’m literally a god wdym i simply wld never give a fk bc i know i’m above all else................. but like. do u actually believe that ziggy. do u. FKGJHKSJGHFGSHFGKSHGKFHG. he’s good at convincing himself at least........... has me fooled too most of the time. bt. thinks abt this.............. i feel like he doesn’t tend to get jealous over ppl he hooks up w a lot of the time bt there’s definitely a few select ppl he might.......... n then he doesn’t rly know what that feeling is bc he’s so unused to feeling it so he’s like wtf why am i so fking pissed off over the thought of this person fking that person? like literally doesn’t even. connect the dots n make the logical conclusion bc it jst seems so bizarre n nonsensical to him. rly is awful at working out his own feelings like. he cld just suddenly explode one day n have to smash a bunch of shit in a junkyard n after his chest is heaving n he has all this broken stuff around him n he’s just like yo wtf was that man forreal lmfaoooooooooo..... like he just doesn’t even get how his own emotions work it’s tragic n it’s men for u. w anxious feelings he represses them a lot he doesn’t rly understand what they r or know how to recognise them........... i honestly feel like he has a lot of anxiety surrounding his mum esp w her dating n like some of the guys they’ve both had to deal w that she’s dated in the past.......... i doubt he processes that healthily or expresses it healthily either..... probably contributes to the tensions between him n his mum they hv a lot of underlying issues that come out in the form of bickering n petty disagreements...... probably a huge contributor to him acting out so terribly in high skl was just all this pent up worried energy with no means of making sense of itself or like. place to go. like shaking a coke bottle over n over n finally having to crack the lid n let it fizz on something. i also think he probably swallowed a lot of jealousy growing up whenever other kids had gd relationships w their fathers or parents in general probably ws kind of like lmfaooooo yo why don’t mine love me like that. in his head...... so ya. i think he copes w anxious feelings by acting out n also fucking if we’re being honest......... it helps him let off steam <3 king of clapping cheeks ig....

chrysanthemum :   how does your muse express romantic love ?  how do they feel about love as a concept ?  

bradley is kind of hard to read romantically like from an outside perspective but slides on my thin rimmed spectacles n picks up my scalpel to delve right in to the nitty gritty of her brain... omg... that sounded... kind of scary actually but. it’s ok. basically settles in. bradley struggles to verbalise her feelings in this regard but also in a general sense honestly.... like she’s spent a lifetime having any vulnerable or negative feeling shut down....... her dad’s the type of personality where it’s like... u can’t win. even tho he’s narcissistic n thinks he’s a god if u compliment him or express affection he’ll act pleased but there’ll also be this register in his eyes where he thinks less of u for it. so this rly had a domino effect in bradley’s emotional expression in all grounds of life...... romance is probably the most frivolous concept to tony so bradley definitely internalised some of these views n wld feel stupid for ever taking anything seriously in that regard or rly investing herself..... she also just. idk. love has only ever left bite marks in bradley’s world so she’d kind of like ‘why wld i ever expose my tender spots n open myself up to someone just so they can sink their teeth in’. i will say tho that like. despite that she can in rare instances develop those feelings n it’s always like..... quite a struggle for her when she does. she doesn’t rly understand it or how to deal w it. she finds talking about it hard n she feels childish or weak in the eyes of whoever knows how she’s feeling. it takes a long time n a lot of work to earn it bt bradley in love is like. ur the only person on the planet who knows how gentle she can b. she’d literally like. touch the face of this one guy i wrote her being in love w when he was sad so gently it was shocking it ws like a love tht deep unlocked a whole other part of her she didn’t know existed. sex is a big part of her love expression jst like. a lot of it. so much. JHGSFKHGSFGKHFKGSHG let’s get it.......... she’s a ride or die n doesn’t do anything in halves. she has a nasty habit of pushing good things away n also wld probably do this to protect the other person bc her world is a never ending shit show with her father’s presence in every room even when he isn’t physically there. she wldn’t wna subject someone she loved to the danger of that bc she hates it enough herself so. idk. smiles w hand on hip. love isn’t something bradley thinks is on the menu fr her bc she’s only ever known it to be hard or mean n why bother trying when that’s the case. it feels like there’s always small print attached tht will hurt her in the end n nothing is free or genuine. very doomed outlook on love in general tbh.

belladonna :   how does your muse respond to silence ?   do they take comfort in soundlessness ,   or seek to fill the void with noise ?  

nyla honestly doesn’t mind silence at all........ they always wake up rly early in the morning no matter what time they went to bed. it’s like someone programmed an oven timer into their brain n often when they wake up at 6am or something they’ll go on walks around irving tottering in their own little world which is quite a quiet experience in itself when the rest of the world’s asleep........... always off on impromptu adventures they came up w on the spot.......... sometimes they get lost in their own train of thought too so they just randomly fall silent bc they’re having a whole conversation w themselves inside their head or like. writing a whole children’s story abt an iguana in a trench coat floating in a hot air balloon smoking a little vintage pipe all the way to peru. honestly for every 1 thing nyla says there’s about 4987295749572592745 things they don’t say tht are x100 times stranger n more nonsensical they sort of let it all drift thru their head like an open sieve for the most part. having said tht i think in order to sleep at night they probably need some sort of white noise or smthn................. it’s handy living in a beach house bc they just leave the window open to let the ocean gush bt sometimes if they’ve snuck into like. mido’s bed fr the night or someone’s bed idk the sound of them breathing works too................. they used to always sleep w bob ross playing on loop n that was rly comforting to them esp bc he reminds them a lot of their dad w his calming voice n energy.............. sometimes they’d have taken smthn n they’d literally hallucinate it as their dad instead of bob ross n this happened so many times in a row fr a period of time tht when they finally watched it sober they were like wtf since when did they recast my dad in this show...... KJHFGSHFGKSHFKGH but also. frowns... bit sad considering. 

[imbruedinfear-a]

@undeadrphub​ asked: ALL OF THEM FOR EZRA

🍍  :    how comfortable is my muse in their body? how do they feel about their height,  weight,  strength,  and body type?  how important is being attractive to them? 

LMAO this man is more than comfortable. he literally models nude sometimes, he has absolutely zero body issues and i envy him for the confidence. he’s super big on appearing attractive, both for work and simply bc he’s a vain little shit, but he doesn’t really care if someone doesn’t find him attractive?? he thinks he’s hot shit and that’s all that matters.

🍅  :    how does my muse feel about plastic  /  cosmetic surgeries   &   procedures?  is it something they have done or would do?  do they mind if others do it? 

not a fan but not against it. he thinks it’s really fucking shit that we live in a world where people deadass think changing their appearance is that important, but he’s not going to talk shit on someone who gets it done. he’s just a fan of liking yourself how you are, really. shrug emoji if ya do it, shrug emoji if ya don’t.

🍏  :    how stable is my muse’s physical health?  do they go for regular or semi-regular checkups by a physician?  do they have any diagnosed illnesses and / or take any medication?  how often do they get sick?

LISTEN. this man is in perfect health physically, he’s got a high metabolism and he exercises regularly. but. fuck doctors. he’ll only go if he’s really fucking sick and thinks he’s dying. yes, he pays his shit out of pocket, because fuck health insurance, they make u got to the doctor. he doesn’t get sick often! but when he does, it lasts for a while.

🍎  :    how stable is my muse’s mental health?  have they been diagnosed with any mental illnesses and  /  or conditions?  do they have any undiagnosed mental illnesses and  /  or conditions?  do they or should they attend therapy? 

f,, fairly stable? diagnosed PTSD and depression, no biggie. he copes really well for the most part, and his trauma doesn’t particularly show unless you’re very aware it’s a symptom. he attends therapy when his depression episode gets really bad, so rly only like three times a year. you basically can’t even tell he’s mentally ill unless you know him really well and are around for a long period of time.

🍑  :    how meticulously does my muse look after their physical appearance?  do they spend a lot of time on their hair,  makeup,  grooming,  and clothing?  is there a particular reason why they do or don’t?  

dEPENDS MY DUDE. yes, boy is conceited. yes, he has depression. we all know what that means!! he’s either paying attention to everything and not leaving the house until he’s perfect or he’s fucking walking outside without pants, no fucks, and without having showered for a week.

🍒  :    how much does my muse value companionship?  do they constantly keep people around them,  or do they prefer to be alone often?  do they have or desire to have many friends?  do they see every meeting as an opportunity to make a new friend?  

ehhhh. he’s both extroverted and introverted. he has no problem making friends and he has a lot of them, but he doesn’t really hangout with people. he might go out a couple of times in a month, but he really prefers to be alone. it’s best to think of it as he’ll make new friends very easily and get along with most people, but he doesn’t go out of his way to spend time with anyone else unless he’s invited or really likes them.

🍇  :    how would my muse describe their childhood?  how much has it impacted the person they are now,  or will become as an adult?  around what age did they or will they start to mature,  and why?  do they wish to go back to their days as a child,  or have they embraced adulthood? 

oh honey. childhood was hell. trauma has erased a lot of it, and what little he remembers give him nothing but guilt and deep desire to never ever think of it again. adulthood is where it’s at, bois.

🍐  :    how intelligent is my muse overall?  are they smarter than the average person,  or less than?  are they primarily self-taught,  or did they acquire most of their knowledge in school?  are they more street smart or book smart? 

he’s on the genius end. he literally had nothing to do but read and talk to people as a kid, so he’s pretty fucking rounded out on knowledge. the only downside is he doesn’t really remember facts. he remembers the logic of it. you could ask him if sharks live in sea water and he’s gonna fucking hesitate, but if you ask him if this weird idea you have for a spaceship is possible, he’s gonna give you a fully detailed explanation on why it isn’t, big ass physics words and all. he was raised by drug dealers and his brother was involved in gangs so u can figure out how street smart he is.

🍉  :    which of the four seasons suits my muse best,  and why? 

winter! he’s at his most sad goth. otherwise, autumn, bc he’s a pumpkin spice slut.

🍌  :    is my muse inclined to help others,  or will they only do it when it benefits them,  if at all?  what makes them this way?  has it ever gotten them into trouble,  or inconvenienced them?

will help, even if he sighs first. he just thinks it’s the right thing to do. but also: watching his brother get fucking tortured and not being able to help for 18 years might’ve fuckin done something. he’s been inconvenienced a few times, but never really in trouble.

🍊  :    does my muse desire romance?  is it something they would actively seek out,  or prefer to happen more  ‘  naturally?  ’  what is their love life like?  do they have any exes or past flings,  or crushes? 

wouldn’t u like to know, weatherboy :^) actually he’s a bit of both. he definitely desires romance, and he’ll sometimes actively try dating around, but he mostly prefers the ‘if it happens, it happens’. he’s only truly dated a few women. currently, though, he hesitates on dating big time. in canon, he’s pretty freshly broken up with in a really shitty manner, so he’s just. existing. the thought of catching feelings fills him with dread, but he’s also a dumb fuckin hopeless romantic who instantly is like okay but what if it DOESN’T go terribly this time.

🍓  :    how is my muse typically seen by others?  does it ring true to who they really are?  does their reputation matter to them? 

iiiiiii have no idea. it depends on your personality, because he’s sarcastic and sassy, and some people would consider that as rude and asshole-ish. if you’re in the kink scene, 9.5/10 times you’ll know him as the master of the city’s biggest dungeon ( it’s also connected to a fetish club ), so it’s. accurate. he doesn’t care for his rep tho, it’s not gonna hurt his book sales since he’s anonymous

🥝  :    does my muse have any  ‘  unusual  ’  habits, interests,  and  /  or talents?  do they hide it,  or are they proud of it? 

h m. not really. his only unusual habit would be how much he’ll just drown himself in working, but it’s from trauma, so????? nah. he’s p open about everything anyways.

🍋  :    what kind of diet does my muse have?  do they eat regularly,  or the standard 2-3 meals a day?  do they have to be reminded to eat,  or are they likely to remind others?  do they cook,  or have others cook for them?  do they eat healthily,  or not so much?  

wild. just wild. he can go from deadass vegan to eating 20 chicken wings by himself. no one understands it. if he’s actually working on a new novel, he needs reminded sometimes, but he’s usually the one reminding other people. he’s a big cook, he loves finding and creating new recipes, and he’s usually on the healthier end of things. doesn’t mean he won’t eat an entire fucking cake because he didn’t eat anything else for two days tho. 

🥭  :    how important to my muse is their hometown,  or where they’re from?  are they proud of it,  or considered a hometown hero? did they move away,  or do they wish to?

e h. he doesn’t really care for hometown sentiment, but he does love Chicago. it’s his favorite place just because he’s comfortable, knows it and the people well, and always finds something to do. plus, like, the fetish club is there. ofc he’s gonna have fun. not proud, just doesnt care. moves around when bored.

[dramaturgydrakes]

THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS

i have no words to describe how much i agree

the part of the (red hood specifically) fandom i truly have the most issue with is the part that is so against jason being portrayed as traumatized and complicated, because they see a man (not a boy) who is strong and angry and think that this is him using his trauma to make himself “stronger.” but you can’t use trauma to strengthen yourself without external help; what a lot of red hood fans do is misinterpret repression as strength. jason is strong, just because he’s survived as long as he has while literally being consistently depicted as suicidal, but he is not coping healthily. he uses anger as a front but it really shouldn’t take someone with a psychology spinterest to notice how that only just barely masks a myriad of other emotions that he himself doesn’t know how to handle or identify.

as someone with three cluster b personality disorders, i understand so, so well what it’s like to be the Bad Victim. the survivor who came out Wrong. jason is one of those, from the perspective of society, but then many of his fans have the opposite problem of degrading and devaluing survivors who openly act vulnerable and afraid so much so that they cannot handle the prospect of jason ever having a moment like that. of needing a moment like that.

there is nothing wrong with being an Angry survivor. there is nothing wrong with jason being an Angry survivor. i am glad there is representation of non-palatable trauma responses, but it’s still watered down enough so people don’t get Uncomfortable. and if we acknowledge that there’s a scared, hurt, sad, lonely, confused child under all that anger, it becomes Uncomfortable, because you have to address something “ugly”: trauma.

i think the poorly concealed toxic masculinity surrounding some people’s opinion of jason is definitely something to be deconstructed…

idk. i think there are definitely two “extreme” sides to the portrayal issue here: people who don’t want to see jason vulnerable because it’s “not him” and romanticize his tough guy persona, and people who make it too easy for him to get better and come back to the batfam because they don’t want to deal with the intricacies of his emotions. just because you peel away the anger doesn’t mean you’re done addressing what he’s feeling and dealing with.

i also thank you very much for pointing out the maturity thing; like i mentioned earlier, i feel like a lot of people see a Man where there should instead be a Boy. jason hasn’t actually Grown Up—he’s highly independent but at the expense of his own mental health because he is not at all emotionally mature enough to be in the position of power he’s placed himself in. he is not making himself stronger, he is actively self-destructing (which makes sense because he’s canonically suicidal, at least passively—he does not care about his own health).

(theres also a certain fic (which i adore) where the dissonance between his physical and mental/developmental age are addressed repeatedly and i really do appreciate that)

also very sorry if any of this seems contradictory of your words or my own i’m. Really Bad at communicating the thoughts inside my brain. bcs i agree with you completely and jason is just. so complex. i really do love him and i wish both canon and fanon writers would do him proper justice more often

sometimes i think jason’s anger gets too oversimplified as just anger and so rarely do i see it acknowledged that it is absolutely also grief, just not in the "standard" way

on top of that jason would’ve been mad at bruce no matter what he did. because grief is illogical in the things it makes us think and feel. i’ve loved pretty much every batfam fic i’ve ever read but sometimes i feel like we write jason as too easily swayed by being told about batman’s downward spiral after his death. because explain all you want, grief is stubborn and grief is not something you can just… convince away.

is this me being a fucking nerd about psychology and wanting to see more jason content that actually explores the fact that anger is only one component of his grief? maybe. none of your business go away im at a restaurant >:(

[heartbreakerholland]

aftermath pt. 5 [p.p.]

Summary: If Peter Parker's thoughts had anything in common with the city, it was you.

Warnings: a couple f-bombs, lots of going back and forth with angst and fluff oops

Word Count: 4.3k

A/N: this entire series should be renamed “aftermath aka every part ends with angsty dialogue” 🙃 it's mentioned that peter x reader met as superheroes but i didn't really talk about it because i wanted the relationship to focus mainly on you two yaknow what i mean 🤷🏻‍♀️ this was a little rough to write honestly. i wrote about 8k words total, all from scenes that didn't make the cut bc i wasn't satisfied at all, but i'm pretty happy with this now so i hope you enjoy! tell me what you think please 😄

text in italics = flashback

[master list] [prompts] [pt. 1] [pt. 2] [pt. 3] [pt. 4]

•••

4. Depression

Peter Parker, the stubborn boy that he was, kept his word. His thoughts were a broken record, constantly replaying the last words he said to his teammates right before he walked back up to his room in the facility, packed up, and left.

I'm quitting the Avengers. No different thoughts occupied him besides those four words he never would have thought to have spoken. He never even had to promise himself that he would do such a thing because Peter just knew that he would never, but there he was.

He made his way back to his first home, to Aunt May, who delightedly welcomed her nephew with open arms. The boy had almost forgotten about her, having been consumed for months with the thoughts of you. Of course, he was joyed to live with May again, but his brain kept him busy with the routinely mourning to truly be happy with the family reunion. She was glad to have her boy back but quickly learned that his body in the apartment wasn't enough because Peter wasn't there.

Eventually the daily talk of you stopped and was replaced with banter over dinner about a TV show they watched together or how the laundry stopped turning from white to pink. It was apparent that your boyfriend wasn't over what happened, but May knew he didn't want to hear what anyone had to say anymore. Whenever the conversation even slightly brushed the topic of you, Peter narrowly avoided it then eventually isolated himself in his room once again.

He ignored her sorrowful glances every time he walked through the door late at night. May never knew where he went but couldn't bear to ask, only aware that Spider-Man wasn't the one beckoning Peter to the streets. He didn't even know where he went; he only told himself that he was coping healthily by going out for walks even if it meant walking all around New York no matter the time. He always kept his earbuds in, hood up, and face hanging low. Peter made himself a bystander, merely observing his surroundings whether they were good or bad, listening to a playlist you made him while he did so.

Peter caught himself roaming the city in search of you, finding his Y/N in everything. He imagined the warmth of your hand as your fingers would have interlaced with his own, instead of it lonely in his pockets. He was hyperaware of how uncomfortable and empty his arm felt because it wasn't hanging over your shoulders. Whenever he looked up, he was overwhelmed by the color of your eyes that decorated street signs and articles of other people's clothing. Sometimes he caught a whiff of the perfume you wore from a passerby, attacking his senses and overflowing his sight with times from the past. There would be occasional sights of strangers clumsily going about their day, which Peter knew you'd love to laugh about and comment on. People standing a bit too close to him at a street light or in the subway reminded him of your love for his body warmth since the constant cold always roamed over your skin. He would watch his shoes hit the sidewalk and remembered how you were so adamant about not stepping on the cracks, and how he'd poke your side to hear your laugh when he told you it was okay if you did.

Sometimes Peter would look up and see a familiar head of hair, which always caused his heart to skip a beat and lose a breath of air. Occasionally, hands would accidentally brush his own and he'd turn his gaze back, expecting to see you reaching for him when it was only another passerby. He'd unknowingly walk by your favorite bakery and have the smell of fresh pastries hit his nose, only to be disappointed to glance through the window and not see your body inside with eyes examining what they had in store.

Peter constantly found himself in places he knew he could find you. He let his mind wander free and allowed his feet to take him wherever they told him, only to be betrayed when he recollected himself to ask, Where am I? He would find himself in bookstores, searching the aisles for a certain somebody. He ventured to thrift shops, music shops, and coffee shops, not realizing his subconscious guided him to go one place after another because he was bound to find you somewhere, right?

He did find you, just not where he wanted to. At some point he found himself at the park, sitting on one particular bench. It overlooked where the two of you shared your first kiss together, about a month after you met as Queens' favorite heroes. He made himself comfortable on it, staring at the distant trees that scattered the area while his mind was elsewhere. He thought of that day vividly, watching it replay in his mind.

-

Your giggles accompanied the songs of birds and rustling trees, along with chatter from others nearby and their pets that they brought along. The day was almost over, the sun telling you it was ready to visit the other side of the world. The dimming orange sky contrasted with the bright greens of the grass, with a bright blanket placed on top. You and Peter were sat on top of it, along with the crumbs of food scattered around due to your shared meal. It was your first date with Peter Parker, who had the honor of planning the entire occasion.

All kinds of flowers decorated your heads since you previously challenged your date to a competition on who could get the most flowers for the other to make a flower crown. It wasn't going exactly as you imagined it would, the thought having not occurred that neither of you knew how to weave plants together to make one. This resulted in flowers straying all over the blanket and your clothes, petals falling from their homes and mixing with your hair, and pollen hitting your noses with sneezes and sniffles to follow.

"I really don't see how I'm not winning," Peter told you with a big grin on his face. He had his hands occupied with the colorful plants as he continued, "You said the challenge was who could make the other prettier with flowers! You obviously already won at the start, so that means an instant win for me."

You rolled your eyes, pretending his words didn't cause another blush to appear on your cheeks. "No, Peter," you giggled. "I said the challenge is to see who could get more flowers for the other person for a flower crown.”

"Ohhhh, that makes more sense considering more flowers you gave me are on my head and I've just been throwing mine at you." He threw another at you for dramatic effect, causing another eruption of laughter out of you.

"Ow!" you rubbed your arm though giggles still escaped from your lips. "There was a thorn!”

His expression changed to one of worry. "I'm so sorry, are you okay? Is it bleeding? Do you need me to kiss it for you?"

This stupid boy couldn't get you to stop laughing. You shook your head, then after catching on to his flirting, you welcomed the invitation to reciprocate. "It's not bleeding, but kissing my injuries away would be nice."

He quickly leaned in and gave a peck to your arm where you were holding it, ignoring the amount of flowers falling from his head in the process. He also took it as an opportunity to scoot closer, so now the two of you sat side by side instead of facing each other.

Was it stupid of you to say that the scratch from the thorn genuinely felt better after that quick kiss?

"Ya know," Peter began, accidentally shaking more flowers off his head as he turned his head to face you. "I can always kiss your injuries away."

You faced the sky as you laughed again with flowers falling from your head, unable to believe the cliché situation. When your head went back down to face him, you noticed his glance to your mouth, so quick you could have imagined it (but you knew you didn't). You placed your hands behind you to lean on them and looked around at the chaos surrounding both of your bodies. You noticed a few ants stealing your crumbs, blocked by masses of flowers as obstacles. The sun was nowhere to be seen at this point, though the sky was still dimly lit. You looked at the boy sitting right next to you, and you wondered if he was just as aware of your knees touching and hands mere centimeters apart. Everything was grossly cliché and you loved it, so what better way to react than to initiate more cheesiness?

You glanced at his lips then to his eyes which were already watching yours. The smile stayed plastered on your face as you softly said, "Now that I think of it, my mouth hurts."

"Oh, yeah?" he smirked, taking the bait.

You nodded, and with that he began leaning in and shutting his eyes. Your heart thumped nervously in your chest and you already felt adrenaline coursing through your veins at such small movements. You shut your eyes and leaned in too, meeting Peter and his lips in the middle. Warmth travelled through your body and both of your mouths transformed to smiles mid-kiss.

The two of you pulled away, the kiss ending as quickly as it began, but you couldn't have felt more content in your life and knew Peter felt the exact same.

-

Violent honking from the streets not far from the park ripped Peter away from his thoughts. He checked the time on his phone and saw an hour had passed. He was astonished at how intensely he had been reminiscing, staring at the spot where the picnic took place. He violently shook his head as if it would clear his mind then stood up and continued to mindlessly walk the city.

He made his way back to the sidewalk, cars stuck in traffic on the roads beside him despite the dusk hour. Peter decided to keep his earbuds out and instead listened to the buzz of the city until a frantic voice interrupted the sound.

"Hey!" a stranger called behind him. Peter stopped to look back to where the voice came from, seeing it was a man running after a masked person speeding away on a bike. "Somebody help! That's my bike!"

The bike thief sped past the teenager, nearly knocking him over. Peter rolled his eyes, muttered, "Get your bike your fucking self," and kept walking.

The man passed Peter but eventually slowed to a stop after realizing it was no use. He sighed and turned around to walk back, staring at his feet as he said aloud, "Where's Spider-Man when you need him?"

Peter scoffed at that, which caught the attention of the stranger. The boy took it as a sign to reply with bitterness. "Spider-Man's been gone for months, dude."

The guy looked defeated, but still replied. "Where the hell did he go? I've gotten my bike nearly stolen twice but Spider-Man always helped."

Peter chuckled and shook his head. "Spider-Man isn't coming back, man. If you thought he was only useful for bike theft then the city obviously doesn't deserve him. He probably realized he shouldn't waste his time on crap like that for people who don't even appreciate him." He realized the city wasn't worth helping if Y/N wasn't by his side, Peter wanted to add.

It was the stranger's turn to shake his head, surprisingly patient despite Peter's informalities. "Nah, man. You don't get it. He's like the underdog of all the other guys with powers and big suits. While the other superheroes are off fighting aliens for the big picture and paying no attention to any citizens, Spider-Man was here to remind everyone that the little people matter too. He gave everyone hope."

Peter nodded his head dismissively and continued walking, not wanting to be bothered about his alter ego anymore.

The stranger's words crept into Peter's thoughts nonetheless. He didn't know if what he said was true, but frankly, he didn't want to know. It didn't matter how anybody felt about Spider-Man because Spider-Man didn't care anymore; the superhero was gone for good. Peter already put enough thought into it: maybe the world needed Spider-Man, but Spider-Man needed Y/N Y/L/N but you weren't there so the world could fuck off.

"Excuse me, sir," a soft voice called to Peter. He turned and met eyes with a girl that looked to be about his age. He stared at her, waiting for her to vocalize what she wanted.

"You seem like you know your way around here. Do you think you can tell me how to get to-“

The teenager was already shaking his head. "Sorry, I don't know," he lied, and kept walking to leave her lost on the pavement.

Spider-Man would have helped her.

"Shut up," he aggressively whispered to himself.

His conscience plagued the boy's head every waking moment ever since Spider-Man disappeared, but he learned to ignore it. He constantly replied to the voice, telling it that it would never matter what Spider-Man would do because it was never just Spider-Man on the streets, but Spider-Man and Y/N Y/L/N. The dynamic duo. But ever since his other half was gone? Spider-Man was useless.

Peter knew the last thing you would have wanted was for him to stop doing what he loved, but he loved you more. You told him you'd always be with him, but it never felt more like a lie. You were gone and he was so lonely. It didn't matter if he had May or Ned or even the Avengers; Peter knew they would never understand, which only made him feel even more isolated.

He ignored the occasional havoc on the streets and thoughts of what Spider-Man would do to go along with it. Peter Parker didn't deserve to be Spider-Man if all he could do was brood around New York anyways.

He found himself at another memorable spot, and before he knew it, Peter was stuck watching the past replay once more as the sky grew darker.

-

You and Peter sat on the hood of Aunt May's truck, who was kind enough to let her nephew borrow it for the night. The two of you just came from the movie theater, it being your fifth date together. Peter, being the sap that he was, planned everything for the night and hoped things went accordingly.

The two of you were sitting on top of the blanket from your first kiss, it being between the hood of the car and your bodies. Peter had somehow found a spot that overlooked the famous New York skyline, which you both were facing. The atmosphere surrounding you two was lighthearted, with the full moon accompanying you in contrast to the night sky. The city lights shimmered in the distance across the water, and you were convinced you could hear the sound of cars from there.

Peter was a nervous wreck; he had to have this night go perfectly, because God knows there wouldn't be a day he wouldn't beat himself up over it if it didn't. He spent quite some time thinking of what to say to interrupt the silence, though he was sure you were completely comfortable with it.

Fuck it, he thought to himself. He cleared his throat. "S-Sorry it's not actually stars, Y/N." He cringed at his stuttering, cursing himself when he turned to the rambling mess he knew well. "I know how much you like that kind of stuff and I w-wanted to take you out s-stargazing but May said she d-didn't want me to drive so far out of the c-city."

You gave him a soft smile, placing your hand on his to comfort him. It sent shivers through both your bodies, but you elected to ignore it, mainly because you enjoyed feeling such an adrenaline rush caused by him. "S'okay, Pete. It's really thoughtful of you and I honestly couldn't be happier."

The brunette blushed at your words, silently praising himself for such an accomplishment.

You meant what you said. It was true; you did love stars, but overlooking the city with Peter was a whole new world of beauty.

You sat comfortably next to your date, unable to help but believe this was a scene straight out of a movie. Peter had made a playlist for the occasion, the music softly playing from his bluetooth speaker in the truck which had the windows rolled down. Both of your voices decorated the warm air, along with occasional shared laughs. Here, neither of you had a filter; you didn't have to worry about the volume of your voices because whether it was soft or loud or anything in between, it was never too much.

At this point, the buzz of electricity and whispers from nature became your friends. You could direct your hearing towards the hum of power lines and whirr of cars or the cricketing of insects and swoosh of soft winds.

Either way, your main focus was on him, the boy who had a knack for rambling and ruffled his hair a bit too much not to notice. From the very beginning, you noted how his passions would tend to carry him away and how there almost always seemed to be a shine in his eyes as bright as the stars he wanted you to see that night. Despite his ticks and obvious nervousness, you could tell he was more comfortable with you than anyone else and you felt at ease when you knew you could say the same. Peter Parker took you to a whole new level of comfort and warmth you've never felt before, just as much as the adrenaline you two seemed to share when you first fought side by side as superheroes. Still considerably young, you felt like you didn't really have everything figured out but you knew if you were with him, you would get to know the secrets of the universe.

Peter checked the time on his phone, seeing it was nearly midnight. He excused himself from the truck and hopped off the hood to retrieve something from the back, leaving you to the sights of the skyline. Within a minute he returned, suspiciously holding his hands behind his back. Getting off of the hood to stand in front of your date, you squinted at him and he smiled sheepishly. A typical Peter Parker move.

"Y/N," he said nervously, close to a whisper.

You softened your expression, heart warming and tears already tugging at the back of your eyes. You knew what he was doing and God it was such a sweet gesture to even bring you back here to skyline-gaze after a movie you'd been aching to see and now...

"I-" he hiccuped, causing you to feel the urge to hug the anxiousness out of this poor boy. You held back and instead allowed him to continue.

"I really like you a lot." He immediately shuddered at his words. "I mean, like. Uh. I really like you a lot. Like, a lot a lot. I mean, I've never really felt this way about anybody else. It's such a unique feeling and I honestly like feeling it as much as I like you and I don't want to feel this way with anyone else and OhmyGod this sounds like I'm proposing to you I promise I'm not we're both still way too young for that-"

At this point you couldn't hold in your laughter. A giggle escaped, which you could tell calmed him to regather his words and continue.

"What I'm saying is, Y/N," he took a breath. "Will you be my girlfriend?"

You rapidly nodded your head, an unrelenting smile slapped on your face. You hugged Peter tightly, the sudden force of the embrace causing him to take a step back. You were nearly squealing with glee, and he hugged you back with a sigh of relief apparent in the movements from his chest.

"Uhm," Peter interrupted and pulled back a little to take a look at your face, keeping his arms around you. "I-Is that a yes?"

You rolled your eyes playfully. "Yes, Peter. Definitely a yes."

His own smile somehow got bigger. "Okay, good, because it would have been really embarrassing if you said no while I was holding this the entire time."

You looked at him with confusion until he lifted his hand to show a small velvet box in it. The two of you untangled yourselves from each other, allowing Peter to open the box. Inside was a silver necklace: a single charm hanging on a thin chain. The charm was of two stars, points connected as if they were holding each other.

You glanced back and forth between the jewelry and the boy you could now call your boyfriend. "Oh, Peter," you whispered in shock. "You really didn't have to."

He shrugged, nonchalantly taking the necklace out of the box and unclasping it. "Don't worry, Y/N. Mr. Stark helped me."

You sighed in relief then moved your hair to one side after realizing Peter was moving to put it on you. He stood behind you, breath ghosting the back of your neck and hands faintly grazing your skin, and you heard the clasp. He fixed your hair and looked back at you, a dumbstruck smile plastered on his face. "D-Do you like it? Like I said earlier, I know how much you like stars but I wasn't really su-"

You grabbed the back of his neck with one hand and leaned in to kiss him to shut him up. You laughed at his speechlessness after you pulled away. "What?" you said. "I had to keep the whole romantic scene going."

You and Peter made your way to the bed of the truck with endearment stuck in both sets of eyes. The two of you were settled in with lovestruck touches, shamelessly cuddling in sets of pillows and blankets that Peter had prepared earlier. Limbs tangled comfortably with limbs as you stole kisses from one another. You laid there together, looking up at the stars that were faint due to the lights of the city, but it didn't matter because you could look into Peter's eyes and he could look into yours and it would be all the same.

Both of you wished you could keep these moments forever, hoping you'd somehow be able to take it out of your pockets and watch it over and over again in the palms of your hands. Instead you could only hold it close to your hearts, but that was more than enough.

The night was timeless.

-

Peter had his arms wrapped around himself, failing to hold back a sob. He stared at the ground where the truck was parked that night, unable to picture anything but the smile that was permanent on your face when you laid there together. He remembered how your eyes crinkled with reciprocated joy and he wished he could count how many times the conversation changed when the two of you talked to each other. He remembered how your words edged back and forth between everything and nothing, but all that mattered at this point was that he couldn't have talks like that with you ever again and he wanted it back. He wanted you back.

"Fuck," he said aloud to no one in particular. "Fuck," he repeated with a raised voice. His knees met the ground and he looked over to the skyline, brightly lit in the dark of the night but blurry from the tears streaming steadily out of his eyes. "FUCK!" he yelled at the city.

He kept hugging himself as his body fell sideways on the grass, now in fetal position. Sobs racked through Peter, taking over every inch of him until nothing could come out but his shallow breaths.

"Y/N," he whispered. He managed to rearrange himself so he could look up to the sky. He could have laughed at the irony of the situation, it being him helplessly talking to the stars all while searching for you.

"Y/N," he repeated at a normal volume this time, though his voice was already hoarse. "Oh God, Y/N. I am so sorry. I don't know who I am anymore. I'm not who you wanted me to be." He sighed, hoping he could see a twinkle from any star in the sky to signal you were there and listening, but to no avail.

"I know you wanted me to be strong and still help people as Spider-Man but I just can't because I can't even fucking be me. If you saw me now, you'd be so disappointed." Peter rubbed his face despite his dirt-ridden hands. He placed them over his stomach, trying to ignore how uncomfortable it really felt because they weren't holding you. He felt naked, aware of the absence of his spider suit that he used to wear underneath his clothes but more importantly the complete absence of you.

"I don't know who I am anymore," he repeated. "Y/N. Fuck. I don't know who I am. I don't know who I want to be. I can't be Spider-Man. I lost that title because I knew I didn't deserve it. I can't be Peter. Even when Peter only had May, at least he knew what to do to make him happy. He would know how to handle everything. I can't talk to May. I can't talk to anybody. Fuck, I can't even talk to you. It's never going to be the fucking same. I'm so sorry. I lost myself. I lost you. I lost everything."

Completely exhausted, he fell asleep on the grass.

•••

tag list: @thollandtrash @loki-parker @shakespeare-and-shenanigans @anothertrashynerd  @prettymuchboodup @spidey-pal @spideyboiiiiiiii @mysteriouslyluckymoon @tommytheholland @sholla4-314 @little-miss-mischief1

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[secnghq-blog]

task o n e ; development.

  ❝ ——- i wish i could p a i n t our love , these moments and vibrant HUES , peach color, moon glistens, the plot thickens ; old souls have found a new religion . ❞

general info

full name: chung hyeseong

nickname(s): hui, seong, chungie

gender & pronouns: demiboy. they/them or he/him

sexual & romantic orientation: homosexual and homoromantic

age & dob: November 3rd 1993, 24

birthplace/hometown: Gwangju, South Korea

parents/siblings: chung taewoo & chung mijoo

astrological sign: Scorpio

dominant hand: leftie because they a rare specimen like that

handwriting style: very fancy and cursive, often compared to a girls because its very elegant and neat, pretty small as well. 

language(s) known/spoken: japanese, chinese, korean and english.

religion: atheist

current living arrangements: apartment of his own but he did share with hyunwoo when he first moved here for a long time.

occupation/major: animal care worker, also studying. 

appearances

picture reference: x , x . x , x

blood type: A

nationality: korean

skin tone/color: pale tan

birthmarks & scars:  no scars but birthmarks, one on collarbone, one on left side and bottom of spine

height: 5′10

build: toned, muscled but undefined and softly mostly.

hair color: blonde or a reddish brown

hair length: shaggy but short

eye color: hazel, sometimes look more dark green, he wears lenses a lot. 

eye shape: cat eyes

diet: regular

exercise & level of fitness: not into exercise at all but will go on long walks and do things like yoga if they had to. 

how’s their posture ( or lack thereof )? : 

typical style of dress: x , x , x , x , x , x , x , x

body modifications: tongue piercing, ear piercings all down both ears, lot of tattoos which you can view on his stats page. 

body language and mannerisms

how does your muse walk? hui used to model online and camboy so they know how to strut their stuff and have quite a subtle but powerful sashay to their stride. hui’s stance and aura can usually fill a whole room pretty fast when they enter.

how does your muse talk? massive extrovert, so hui speaks with confidence and only says what they feel needs to be said, they don’t sugar coat things either unless it’ll benefit them. they’re interesting bc hui can be sweet as candy and irresistible or they can be super lewd and swear like a sailor with dark humor. 

what accent/dialect does your muse talk with? if they’re talking in english they actually sound very british as opposed to american.

how high (or low) is the tone of their voice? are they loud or quiet? i wouldn’t say hui’s voice is high but it is quite effeminate and soft, they are loud though so its lucky their voice is fairly gentle on the ears.

what is their laugh like? breezy giggle usually but it also changes and fluctuates depending on mood and situation. it usually sounds very flirty whether hui intends it to or not.

how does your muse typically smell? spiced apple and cinnamon, its actually seasonal really bc hui uses a lot of fragrances that are expensive and lush products so if we’re talking autumn for example its usually eggnog and cinnamon.

what kind of air do they carry? are they intimidating? hui can be intimidating but those days are more in their past so now they tend to appear much more charming and approachable, the air they carry can switch. if you go against hui you’ll quickly find they are quite threatening and strike silently deadly.

psychology

what makes your muse happiest? hui doesn’t really know right now, they’re still on a journey to find that since they spent most their life until they got here in less than laughable and far from happy upbringings and becomings. however they do feel incredibly happy when with friends and when feeling accomplished.

what upsets them the most? probably thinking about the past and how it could potentially affect his future. obviously he’s been through a lot of shit with his toxic relationships, rape and domestic violence and it haunts him. he’s still seeing a therapist and he thinks he always be no matter how much he recovers. naturally it gets him really down. he’s also very scared of being lonely, never being meaningful to anyone. 

does your muse have any quirks? they pull and twirl their hair?? like a lot?? also when they eat certain things they can accidentally make it look super obscene and a bad habit they have is chewing on their inner cheek.

what are their hobbies? how frequent do/can they do them? hui likes fashion, music and painting. they do actually have a mini sketchbook they take around with them which is like a tiny bible of loads of fashion sketches and paintings. they do it often if their on a particularly dry shift or can’t sleep at night. 

do they have any guilty pleasures? i guess... they binge eat quite a lot and they are very out there with fashion also...this one is the worst for getting into troublesome situations too and lives for danger and trouble sO. 

is your muse an extrovert? an introvert? neither? extrovert af

do they have high or low self-esteem? what about confidence? definitely has a lot of confidence and self esteem if hui has nothing, they do have that for sure because its been something they relied on since young to make a living and more. 

are they easily stressed? how do they respond to stress? hui isn’t easily stressed but if you meet them in the wrong mood or in a bad headspace they definitely go off easily and get frustrated. when they’re stressed, their temper is a lot shorter. 

what is your muses worst fear? isolation

what is your muses biggest dream? mm hui doesn’t really know yet its hard for him to have big dreams the way he’s lived his life and they are still settling into this steady and stable lifestyle but i think they’d like to do more with the fashion work they can do. 

is your muse an early riser? a night owl? both, lack of sleep does not affect hui at all they go to bed at like 2am and wake up early and get through the day just fine but you will notice they are easy to go into their own headspace and get distracted. they dont act sleepy but it can sometimes be seen in their eyes which are less sparkly then. 

how intelligent is your muse? do they acknowledge it? hui actually is very skilled i dont know about intelligent, academically they’re very good when considering how they lived younger but i would say hui is more open about how intelligent they are on things like social activist matters, talents like art and negotiation. they are smart but in their own way.

what is their sense of humour like? very dry witted, slightly narcissistic, often gets told they’re too dark and quick with little taunts and sass. 

relationship tendencies

what’s their sexual orientation? what about romantic? hui is homosexual and homoromantic. 

are they currently in any sexual or romantic relationships? they are in a sexual relationship ajsj with kace and thats probably not the only one they’re in bc hui is a minx by nature but no romantic ones as of yet. 

what is their experience with relationships? not fuckin great my dudes. all hui’s relationships so far have been very very toxic for them and tbh if they arent then hui is just sleeping around for the fun of it. 

how does your muse view the idea of friends with benefits? have they ever had one, or would they ever? no problem with it naturally, they have had one will probably have many more and honestly they know its a shitfest and only ever ends in tragedy it either stops or goes somewhere and its more often the latter then shit gets fucked but hey ho says hui cause they a fool who thinks this is all they got. 

sex, is it important to your muse? no, interestingly. it isn’t. it makes more sense than it seems after the way sex has been used for hui they just don’t care about it, they do it, a lot, and for fun but it isn’t important at all. its just another unhealthy coping mechanism and gets misused too often in hui’s perspective of it. 

what are their biggest turn on and turn offs? thigh kissing, neck biting, manhandling smh i dont think hui really has any turn offs other than super weird shit like watersports *pukes* and for softer turn ons, they like someone who knows how to be loyal and respectful. hui isn’t exactly pristine and not entirely a ray of sunshine either but they are attracted to people like that (although they are a sucker for a bad boy)

does your muse find it easy to make friends? very, hui is charismatic and extroverted at its extreme so they’re kinda like a puppy it can be annoying but mainly you can’t help but be charmed and once you fall into being their bud, thats it, u done for life.

how important is friendship to them? fairly, they have jeaki after all who they absolutely adore. its all platonic but jeaki is their always best friend and they would definitely lie down their life for him so yeah even though they’re new and still making them. they value friendship the most. 

quantity or quality of friends? quality

how important is family? complicated one. i think hui thinks it is important even though they haven’t been blessed with a good one, the whole reason hui’s family broke down was due to dysfunction and miscommunication. they think if a family is valued and constructed healthily then yes its important. 

are they close to their family? why or why not ? hui is not good with their family at all, abusive mother and missing dad but to be honest hui does admire their dad, they wish they knew more about him because they think they would’ve had a lot in common with him. yeah he ran off with another man and left hui’s mum but hui thinks if their mom had been a more supportive decent partner, their dad could’ve been a good one.

headcanons

before shit went crazy and daddy left, hui and their mom actually had a really good relationship and she helped them balance their gender-fluidity and be comfy in it massively, was super supportive and put everything in motion. 

hui doesn’t blame their dad for walking out or think what he did was wrong, in his fathers situation hui can make an exception for the fact the way he left hui’s mother wasn’t clean cut as it should be. 

hui adopts a load of animals from the care shelter he works at, but his best bud and one he’s had longest is minki and he is adOrable you’ll see soon that hui never fUCkin shuts up about him and posts about him 24/7. he dont need no men. 

the reason they don’t model anymore is actually very *taps nose, sips tea* spicy, there was some serious shit going on behind the scenes but they would be interested in doing it again if the industry wasn’t the way it is. 

this little shit is such a feminist and actually really wants a cute soft boyfriend sobs 

has never been to a pride and aches to bc u know they’d own that shit and go all out with the glitter and rainbow

WHY ISNT HUI A CAM BOY ANYMORE I WONDER??? *SIDE EYES SIDE EYES* i aint telling you that one but he isn’t anymore and there is a spicy lil reason behind that too. 

this bih has a lot of secrets from their past, mainly bc they making a fresh start as the person they always wanted to be which life previously held them back from. 

[bisexualmorpheus]

@fetasprite im still trying to work out a lot of the details but i want to have the anne character be sort of a loner bcs he doesnt engage with anything outside of his obsessions but i dont necessarily want him to be like, "confident with a self conscious shell" type character. i want there to be authentic confidence despite like this difficulty to prioritise or engage with things healthily. & he also sort of dictates the relationship in that he;s already decided how he 

wants it to be, in the conversations he's had technically with himself but with the sort of constructed version of the american guy. and like this construction is one he's aware is false but its something that bubbles up and he cant really control. and thats based on my own weird experiences i have with my thoughts/facets of myself taken over by constructs/versions of real people or other versions of myself despite me knowing theyre all just me, but my mind copes with different parts of itself by separating myself into these weird facets. at least thats how i interpret my own processes. and then the other guy (unnamed for now) is in the typical trapped in his life that he dislikes thing. and he sees anne as this weird, egotistical asshole but its appealing because its another angle to engage with life thru that he sort of didnt ever consider or let himself consider. anne is like "forget about other people. make everything about yourself for a while and see how that feels.” And like thats an assholeish way to live obviously. And he tries it for a while but he’s taking advantage of a younger man in a ways doing that. And anne is like, I dont mind, I like knowing that I have that power over you. But i guess this will all fall apart eventually. Because then anne gets bored of this kind of pathetic, self pitying guy. But now that he’s not just another weird obsession, and is physically in front of him, he can’t get rid of him. And he desperately wants to get his mind back. And i dont know how it would end for the american guy. Its still vague and like. I need to beef it up and flesh it out. And i need to figure out how i feel about this stuff also. Its sort of all just me puking on a page. Maybe its really awful morally and technically. But then maybe that doesnt matter? dont steal this script also btw

Do you think like the people trying to promote local film would take my script about a young trans man with identity issues who gets obsessed with an American writer/videomaker much older than him and projects his dissociation on him but also gets in contact with the real him and he falls in love with the young trans guy and moves to northern ireland but then like other stuff happens too . and there's like horror stuff too. and weird pervert sex obviously. probably a weird pregnancy thing in there because that's cool. Anyway.

[transrightsjimin]

thank god almost all skincare contains perfume and nonsense ingredients like vitamin c and activated charcoal, nd promotes harmful things like scrubbing or exfoliating your face, bc it makes me not want to buy this expensive stuff. ive been considering expanding on skincare bc ive gotten wrinkles on my forehead over the psst two years, partially from age and partially from stress prob, nd currently i only use very mild nivea cleansers (one or two) and then apply olaz lotion, though i sometimes just wash it and be good for the day. i know wrinkles are normal and i shouldnt have to look like someone who can afford all this expensive skincare nd healthir food nd less stress and all, bc that's just not my lifestyle. but when you're into makeup you automatically are faced w ppl recommending other beauty products, mainly in skincare, and it's for many ppl the forst step in their beauty routine. im really influential so i worry i might end up spending a lot of money on this, even if good skincare doesn't need to be expensive, such as w korean brands as laneige. ive just never had to worry abt my skin bc i used to eat very healthily and varied, and i never had pimples as a teen, but now stress and squeezing my skin has rly made it look awful and i should invest more time in improving myself instead of buy products that won't solve the actual problem. and man, i might be nonbinary but i still live as a ""woman"" bc only my friends (and parents sort of) know of me being nb and i mean, this fear of aging and becoming ugly is still internalized for me, so idk how i would cope with becoming less beautiful according to society's standards. im all up for disregarding gender roles and im kind of happy i havent shaven myself in over a year, nd rly look forward to hopefully getting chest surgery, but i still can't let these anxieties connected to womanhood go such as the fear of aging. (ofc being abused is a worse fear related to misogyny but thats another story)