#bazzie the bat

[haologram]

between you and me ❄️ l.c [m]

↳ part of the winter with you collab! synopsis: everything you've ever done, chan has been by your side - either egging you on or talking you off the ledge. after a rough year of studying, failed relationships and having chan be the insistent angel on your shoulder, the holidays roll around - and let's just say you're not too happy about it. genre: holiday au. bffs to exes to lovers (what a doozy); angst, fluff, smut. pairing: lee chan x fem!reader word count: 40.4k (DON'T LOOK AT ME!) rating: 18+. minors do not interact. warnings: swearing, references to smoking weed, alcohol, food, use of sex as a general coping mechanism, jealousy. general exes who are still friends type of dynamics. mentions of misogynistic views, mentions of having kids, mentions of seasonal depression. chan is a bit of an asshole but redeems himself (and is overall just a good person but yk...) reader has a strained relationship with her mother. reader deflects a lot, chan cannot stop running his mouth. mingyu and sooyoung make several appearances. mutual pining. smut warnings: (let's take a deep breath for this one!) multiple scenes because they're fucking freaks (3 total!) alluded virginity loss (not depicted, backstory). teasing, frottage, heavy petting, bitiing, chan cums in his pants once. oral (m&f. rec.), face sitting, ab riding, subtle body worship (m&f. rec.), fingering (f.rec), pussy slapping (i know i know). nipple play (m&f. rec.), hair pulling, spitting, cumplay (just...okay?), switch!chan x switch!reader, chan likes it when she's mean, whiny!chan (can i get a hell yeah!?). slight strength kink, breeding kink, d*ddy kink (save me), love (?) kink (?). dirty talk (HELP. ME.), pet names (baby, princess, babe, etc.,) unprotected sex (don't do this), missionary (wouldn't be a haologram fic without missionary and body worship but i digress.) i think that's it! what to listen to: meddle about - chase atlantic ; habit - seventeen ; to die for - sam smith ; wait - dino ; heart - dawn ; scared to live - the weeknd ; fantasy - bazzi ; don't leave me - intro ; kiss it better - rihanna ; all mine - plaza ; the party and the after party - the weeknd ; always - daniel caesar ; fade into you - mazzy star. author's note: i fear i cannot shut the fuck up! yet another behemoth for caratblr, loverboy!chan save me please. special thanks to my dearest @diamonddaze01 for betaing this big ass fic an encouraging me to not give it up when i was truly losing my mind. thank you to @camandemstudios for allowing me to be in yet another collab of theirs. as always, dedicated to the most devoted dinonara i know, @bitchlessdino. snowflake dividers are by @/strangergraphics here on tumblr! enjoy the wild ride and happy holidays, everyone!

DECEMBER 22, 4:32PM.

Your car horn cannot take another beating, and you're not sure Chan's ears can take another annoyed, muttered string of expletives from your mouth – confirmed the moment he yells at you to pull over. You argue back that you're in the middle of the expressway and everyone around you is going over sixty miles an hour, but he doesn't care. You mumble profanities as you merge several lanes, pulling over only for him to tell you to stay inside and he'll get out. 

"You've been driving me up the fucking wall since we left the apartment. What stick do you have up your ass that you're upset about everything!?" He practically slammed your car door as he got into the driver's seat, swatting your bare thigh as you climbed over the console to the passenger side. You scoff, batting his hand away from your legs as you plop into the seat. 

"Nothing, Channie. I'm fine." You grit, yanking the seatbelt a little too hard for him to think you're fine. He sighs, resting his forehead against the steering wheel before he turns to look at you. 

"Y/N, I've known you since we were in diapers. I know when something is bothering you, you're not weaseling your way out of this." What was wrong with you? You're sitting in your old beater car with your life-long best friend, wearing his old cheer shorts and his t-shirt and probably his socks as well. You're on your way home during an unusually warm winter, hence the shorts, and you're nursing a cup of his infamous hot cocoa. The one with actual mini marshmallows, none of that Swiss Miss bullshit.

You'd had a great cheer practice before the break ended, with your coach telling you and Chan to please rest during the holidays – it wasn't exactly either of your fortes. She knew the two of you went home for the break together, and you'd likely be practicing stunts in your parents' basement – but you knew exactly why you were upset and it had nothing to do with cheer and everything to do with the fact that your best friend has had the best years of his entire life while you're being a sulky baby.

You cross your arms, the drawstrings of your hoodie yanked by the seat belt as Chan turns in his seat. "Everyone has bad days, Y/N." "You don't." You mutter, crossing your legs at the knee before you feel Chan's fingers pinch your cheek. "Yes, I do. I don't know where you got this idea that I'm perfect. I'm flattered, but I'm just as human and clumsy as you are." "Yeah, well…shut up." You huff, feeling Chan press his lips to your temple. "Don't be so sour. We're on vacation, let's enjoy it. It's our last one before we graduate, isn't that exciting?" It's not. It makes existential dread weigh on your shoulders, and it's so stupid. It's stupid dread, rooted in misogyny and lies and comparison that is the thief of joy. It makes you hate him, knowing that Chan doesn't have to worry about any of this but you do simply because you have some stupid biological clock that works AGAINST you.

You know once university is over, your parents will start to ask about marriage and kids. You know that they'll bring up Chan, over and over until you tell them for the third year in a row that you and Chan tried it and it just didn't work. 

Freshman year of college between you and Chan has to have been one of the strangest years yet. He had rushed a frat and you helped him move from his dorm into the house – and the brothers made eyes at you until Chan lied and said you were his girlfriend. None of them bought it, so much so that Chan had confessed about it and you were so wide eyed he was scared your eyes would fall out. Once the initial shock wore off, you shrugged and agreed you'd be his pretend girlfriend – that it would definitely get you out of some bullshit.

Simultaneously, it got you into some bullshit.

It was a few weeks before winter break, and you were both drunk at your first frat party. The two of you had been locked away in his room getting high earlier that day, and neither of you were in the condition to interact with anyone else or even go downstairs for more drinks – so you just laid in his bed and giggled about nonsense. He was propped up on his elbow, telling you about how the older brothers had made him pants the president of Alpha Phi and you were just staring off into space while you nodded along.

Until you looked at Chan a little too closely, your head on his pillow as he pushed your hair out of your eyes. He smiled down at you, his fingers tracing the shell of your ear as he continued talking when you sat up and anxiously pressed your fingers to your pulse point, having felt your heart rate spike at just the slope of his nose. Everything felt way too hot and intimate for two best friends.

He'd asked if you were okay, if you needed water – assuming you were too crossfaded to prevent the panic attack that seemed to creep on. You shook your head, screwing your eyes shut as you flopped back down and tucking yourself into his chest. He'd assumed you wanted to be held, so he threw your leg over his waist and ran his fingers through your hair, murmuring subtle praises as you tried to regulate your breathing – but the smell of the weed and your best friend's cologne was just too much and you wound up pushing him away.

"Channie, get away from me!" You'd whined, shoving him back and attempting to pull your sweater over your head. You failed, and he laughed, yanking it over your head the rest of the way. "Are you hot? Should I open the window?"

"You should kiss me, you fucking idiot. How can you tell your entire fraternity I'm your girlfriend and you won't even kiss me?" You'd poked your finger into his chest, your t-shirt rumpled from the sheer force of your sweater coming off. He blinked at you, lip jutted out in a pout. "Well, how am I supposed to know you want me to kiss you when you literally just told me to get away from you?"

"I'm your fake girlfriend! I'm getting zero play from anyone else because they think we're a thing!" 

"Aren't you a virgin?" He asked, sitting up as you smoothed your shirt over your belly, lying back down on your side, propped up by your elbow. "Aren't you? You're my best friend, it's not like we'd hump and dump each other. If we're bad, we can just learn."

Chan had been truly appalled at your words. The two of you had never crossed into this territory, despite knowing everything about each other. You'd been each other's first kiss back in high school, but that was fully a dare from your other friends and neither of you spoke about it again. He dated around with other girls and you had one boyfriend that was shitty, but it was always just the two of you at the end of the day.

"You want me to…" "Only if you want to."

"Are you joking?"

You hadn't been, and you proved that by tugging Chan down by his collar and pressing your lips to his. He immediately reciprocated, pushing you onto your back and shoving your thighs apart to settle between them. He wasn't a bad kisser at all – a little too skilled for your shy touches, but you quickly caught on to his movements as you felt him grow hard. 

"We don't have to do this at all. You know that, right?"

"Chan, I want you to."

He'd blushed slightly as you flipped the two of you over, letting him sit up with you in his lap and quickly pulled your top off. His hands were warm and nervous, but you kissed him again and it felt like everything fell into place. 

The first round was slow and gentle – you were on top, and he kissed all over your chest and face as the two of you got into it. By the third time, you were covered in nips from his teeth and his saliva as he folded you in every position imaginable. He was a young guy with a Costco box of condoms and the girl of his dreams in his bed – he had to commit this to memory. The two of you went at it like starved, depraved lovers – it was nearing seven in the morning by the time he reached into his nightstand and the box of condoms was empty. You were both sober by then…and the reality of your decisions began to sink in as you let him sink into you, raw.

"Y/N…" He whimpered into your neck, entirely too sensitive for this to be happening but you only mewled in response. "Feels so good, Channie, please…"

You only spurred him on, clawing at his back and whining his name as your walls overstimulated him. Every single part of his body felt like it was on fire under your touch, and he relished in the way your teeth sunk into his shoulders and neck as he brought you over the edge repeatedly. 

"Shit, b-baby…I'm gonna.." 

You only wrapped your legs around him, pulling him into you deeper as you kissed the words off his tongue. He tried to kiss you back, he really did – but failed miserably as he came inside you, hips involuntarily working the two of you through your shared orgasm. You kissed him messily as he came down, feeling his hands on your cheeks as he slowed you down, before pulling away fully.

"We need to clean up." He muttered, resting his forehead against yours, your eyes closed as you nodded tiredly. "I don't think I can get up."

You hadn't been able to – Chan wound up carrying you into his bathroom and holding you between himself and the wall in order to help you shower. You were so tired your eyes remained closed for the majority of it all – something Chan was grateful for because he just couldn't stop roaming his eyes all over you.

Thankfully, it'd been a Saturday the day before – so there was no reason for you to leave his bedroom. He gave you the cheer shorts he usually wore, and tugged an old sweatshirt over your head while also stripping his bed of the sheets. He threw your clothes in with it in the wash – and returned to see you asleep. He had so many questions, just watching as you snuggled into his pillow as he sank onto his bed, reaching for his phone to order delivery – only for you to tug him back.

"We can eat later."

"When can we talk?"

You peeled your eyes open for that one, looking at him tiredly.

"You're my boyfriend, Chan. Couples have sex."

"But–"

"I love you. Now, hold me."

And he did. He laid down, and you draped yourself over his chest. His hand went under your sweatshirt, rubbing small circles into your back as the two of you fell asleep. But his mind never strayed from how confidently you said those three little words.

That was one of many nights between you and Chan. You were referring to each other as significant others, subconsciously going on dates, and fucking like there was no tomorrow. He'd get you flowers, tell you how pretty you looked. You'd fluster him with comments of how handsome he was, and you'd spend hours slow-dancing together in his bedroom if you weren't just basking in each other's presence.

Neither of you spoke about feelings, but rough whispers of I love you slipped out often during sex, softer ones when he dropped you off at your dorm (that you were hardly at because you spent all your time with him), teasing ones when he just felt like it. You found it harder to say after the first time – kissing him in response, feeling your cheeks grow hot as he looked at you with said love in his eyes. Sometimes you'd mumble it, only loud enough for him to hear.

You loved him too. You didn't know when it became romantic, you'd never been in love before. But, perhaps if you'd looked deeper – you would understand that feeling like you can hardly breathe from pure excitement when he's around is a tell-tale sign of being absolutely enamored.

Perhaps, you said I love you first – because you were scared that if you let it fester inside you, it'd become too overwhelming. 

It did, anyway.

The two of you went home that holiday break and tried everything possible not to tell your parents anything. Chan's family owned the house next door and only used it when he was home – but you knew you wouldn't be able to sleep separately after weeks of constant skinship. You tried for the first three days – only for Chan to sneak into your bedroom and stuff your panties in your mouth to keep you quiet.

Everything had been going smoothly until your parents found out – spotting a hickey on your collarbone that hadn't been there when you arrived. Your mother was the first to question you – her interrogation light over dinner with Chan and his parents.

"So…find any cute boys?" She asked as she poured you a glass of water, one you immediately reached for as you choked on your bread. Chan's eyes widened as they fell on you, spotting the bruised mark on your skin under your t-shirt from across the table. "Mom, what gives? That's so embarrassing." "I sort of asked Chan the same question." Mrs. Lee shrugged, before her hand reached to tug on her son's sweater. "Then I saw this and got my answer."

Two hickies on his chest, and Chan's cheeks burned beet red as he wiggled away from his mother. "Can we not do this?" He asked through gritted teeth, and you only covered your face with your hands as your father snorted.

"We always figured the two of you would end up together. It's just the way it goes sometimes. Friends before lovers is a good way to start a beautiful relationship." He nods, patting your back gently to ease your discomfort. You gave Chan a glare through our fingers, only for him to gawk at you as if you were blaming him for the entire thing.

"We're glad it's you, Y/N, really. I was always worried my Chan would get his heart broken by someone ruthless." Mrs. Lee pinches her son's cheek, making him groan as he moves away. "This is so embarrassing, stop it!"

"We've only been together for a few weeks, so can we drop it?" You mumbled, stabbing your fork into a meatball as your mother glanced your way. "...Sure, honey."

Your parents didn't bring it up again for the rest of your vacation, but things felt a lot more breathable after. You and Chan went out on your own several times – dinner, stargazing, a few hikes. You kissed eagerly behind closed doors, but kept your touching to a minimum in front of siblings and parents. He held your hand as the New Year's ball dropped, and kissed you moments after when his parents looked away. You felt your stomach fill with butterflies at the tender touches, but started feeling antsy as days continued and you couldn't have sex.

He offered to take you on a drive after your parents went to bed, and you wound up fucking in the backseat of his car that night to the sound of Meddle About by Chase Atlantic. It was by far the most desperate you'd ever seen him, and the night you accidentally discovered a small kink of his – one the two of you swore not to speak of again after. Or rather, he asked you not to – but what kind of girlfriend and best friend are you if you don't tease him about his little ticks? You both returned to campus a few days later, and Chan managed to get you naked in his bed before you even unpacked your things. You'd decided to forego buying condoms on the way home to avoid the temptation, but just looking at you was enough to get Chan going and he had no idea how to make you understand that.

Until the spring semester started and the two of you got slammed with essay after essay, lab after lab, pop quiz after pop quiz. It was February by the time the two of you got to spend more than an hour alone – and you had nothing to talk about. You just kissed quietly, feeling each other up for hours until your underwear was soaked through with your arousal and Chan was painfully hard.

"We should break up." You murmured against his lips, and he nodded. "We should. After this, though." "After." You agreed, not knowing that Chan's chest had tightened at your words. Not knowing that he hoped just feeling you around him would mend that pain he felt, and not knowing he hoped he could get you to stay through the night – and break up in the morning. Not the night of his birthday, not the first night he gets to have you again after missing you for ages. Not the day that seems to have completely slipped your mind.

And, it worked. Yet another large box of assorted condoms and half a bottle of unnecessary lube later, you were tucked in his bed again. In his cheer shorts, in his shirt, and with dozens of love bites littered around your body. You kissed him as he slid into bed next to you, your arm draped over his chest as you began to talk.

"I'm sorry if it's sudden. You're my best friend and I don't want to lose you, but we just…don't have time." You had muttered, and Chan fought back tears as he nodded, pressing a kiss to the crown of your head. "I don't want to lose you, either. But if we break up…we have to stay friends, Y/N. We have to." He meant it. Even if it meant he had to break his own heart by spending time with you and not being able to kiss you, caress you, love you, he meant it. You were all he knew – his first kiss, his first crush, his first fake-girlfriend. His first real girlfriend, despite having dated around. His first time having sex, making love, and everything in between. The first woman he'd learned inside and out, and the only woman he wanted to know that way.

If time was the issue, he'd wait. 

But you didn't know that.

Shortly after your relationship ended, Chan found himself restless. His hand wasn't enough anymore, but neither was anything else he tried. He lost interest in porn easily and even wound up sneaking peeks at your Instagram for some sort of relief. He resorted to asking one of his frat brothers what he should do – and Wonwoo calmly looked up at him and said, "You fuck someone else."

Chan hadn't been sure what to do with that information. He wound up going to cheer practice early that day, only to find you doing stunts with Minghao, a fellow spotter and one of his frat brothers – his hands tightly gripping your waist as he threw you up in the air. He catches you swiftly, and Chan only feels his cheeks heat in embarrassment as you eagerly compliment Minghao on his skills, your hands gingerly wrapped around his biceps – your nails still the soft pink he chose not even a month before.

It was too much touching for Chan's taste, and he wound up turning right back around and skipping practice, sneaking out of the gym before either of you could see him. When Minghao arrived at the frat after practice and saw Chan in the kitchen, he asked him where he'd been – that you'd asked for him and wanted him to help Minghao with your stunts. Chan simply clicked his tongue and shrugged, "Was busy. She can figure it out." Minghao had been a bit taken aback by his comment, but said nothing as Chan practically pushed past him. There was a party a few days after that, with both you and a bunch of random girls in attendance – mostly girls from the fraternity's sister sorority. Chan had one up in his bedroom within the hour, and another two hours later.

You went home after seeing him take the first one upstairs.

After that happened, and Minghao spoke to you about Chan's behavior about the entire stunt situation, you felt a shift in your friendship. Chan became a serial monogamist for a long time – none of his flings lasted longer than two weeks, and he kept them at arms' length. He never mixed business and pleasure – the cheer girls were strictly off limits, much to their dismay. 

But you were the person he drunk texted. Saying he misses you and wants to hang out – and you'd hang out. You'd go pick him up and take him back to your dorm (later, your apartment) and watch movies, get drunk and fall asleep on your couch. He never made a move on you, and you never made a move on him because you were just friends.

So you shoved it all down. You watched him bag girl after girl, you watched him win trophy after trophy. You watched him make the Dean's list every semester, you watched him build unbreakable friendships, you watched everything he touched turn to gold and it made frustration fester inside you.

You struggled a lot after the breakup – from branching out and meeting new guys to your grades tanking just a bit – and it made you feel pathetic. You slept with one other guy, a guy from a different cheer team. You met him at a competition, and it was in the next city over, so you and your team had to get a hotel. You and Chan naturally roomed together…only for Chan to hit it off with a girl from another team, and it led to a heated argument between you and him to see who got the room for the night. He wound up storming out and staying with her, only to come back in the early morning to a locked door and the sound of you and the guy going at it.

Neither of you spoke about it. You didn't speak on the ride home, either – and you ignored him for a week until he texted you and asked if you wanted to get drinks. You agreed, and he apologized for his behavior. You only nursed your cosmopolitan, and accepted his apology with the condition that he buy you an appetizer.

An order of mozzarella sticks and a thing of marinara later, you forgave him. The two of you danced around conversations for a bit, before he offered you a lift home. You gracefully accepted, and he dropped you off at your apartment with a hug goodbye. A hug that lasted longer than any had since the breakup, and you felt…slightly put back together.

Things seemingly settled after that. 

Fast forward to senior year – you and Chan are still inseparable. You're co-captains of your cheer team, he's the vice president of his fraternity and you find yourself there every weekend to help with events if the two of you aren't at a cheer competition. He holds your hair when you throw up and he helps you glue on your false lashes for competition nights. He drives you to places when you're too tired but still want to go out, he tutors you for Organic Chemistry and gives you gummy bears as rewards for getting questions right.

Chan is your best friend, and he makes sure everyone knows – including the girls he gets in his bed every few nights.

Your eyes still lingered on him at parties – the way he'd grind against girls, the way he'd never done with you because you weren't a stranger to him. He'd seduce them with his confidence and kiss them, but never in the way he kissed you. You could see it, how shallow it was to him, before he'd begin moving them towards his bedroom.

But, even now – you miss him. Lonely nights in your bedroom turned into lonely nights in your shared apartment with him, having been convinced to move into a two-bedroom with him as a reward for making it to senior year of university without any major fuck-ups. However, you felt like a major fuck-up – because now this meant he'd bring girls to the shared home.

He hasn't, yet. But, he will. You're sure of it.

It makes your stomach turn to think about it.

"See how much calmer things are when you're not the one driving?" Chan's voice breaks you out of your thoughts, and you scowl. "Shut up." He only rolls his eyes, but you feel your thighs clench at the way he looks when he drives. You'd gotten used to this sight in many lights – Chan driving you home from an arcade night, Chan driving you home from getting drinks. Chan driving you home from the movies, Chan driving you home from cheer practice.

Chan driving you home after that night he fucked you senseless three years ago in his backseat, whispering how good you felt around him and how he couldn't imagine a life without you in it.

You sigh inwardly at the thought of it, opting to recline your seat and cover your face with your arms. You cross your legs before feeling Chan's hand squeeze your knee, making you jolt as you swat at him. "Stop touching me, I'm sensitive!"

"Your knee is sensitive?" He teases, fingers pinching it again as you groan. "You're pissing me off, Chan."

He only snickers, his fingers brushing up your thigh before you shove it away. "Quit." "Alright, alright. At least put on some music, I need to hear something other than your whining." He holds up the aux cable, and you take it and plug it into your phone. You press shuffle on your Spotify, ignoring the way your cheeks heat the moment Meddle About by Chase Atlantic starts. 

He only turns the volume up.

"You guys are home!" Mrs. Lee greets you by throwing her arms over you, and you nearly stiffen before Chan gives you a pointed look. You hug her back warmly, thanking her for being so excited to see the two of you. "How is school? Still doing well, I hope!" "Doing great, Mrs. Lee. Chan's helping me quite a bit these days." You nod in the direction of her son, who is unloading everything as you shove a stick of gum into your mouth. His arms look great in that long sleeve…he should wear it more often…

"...And your mom made that brown sugar ham you love! Isn't that exciting!?" Mrs. Lee's voice brings you back as you nod quickly, shoving your hands in your jacket pockets as the wind picks up a bit. "Yes! I'm starving, you have no idea. We survived on jerky." Your pout makes Mrs. Lee coo, her knuckles pinching your cheek as she beckons you to follow her into your house. Chan gives you a glare as he grabs your duffel, and you only blow a kiss at him as you follow his mother inside. "Y/N!" Your little sister can be heard screaming from the top of the stairs, and you smile as you turn – seeing her practically fly down them, her arm in a pink cast as she wraps it around you. "Hey, babycakes! What happened to your arm?" "Rosie took a tumble down the stairs last week, I keep telling her to slow down." Your mother appears out of the kitchen, wiping her hands on a kitchen towel as she presses a kiss to your cheek. "Welcome home, darling."

Your sister begins to ramble about everything going on at school with her friends – that Katie has a crush on Hyunjin but Hyunjin likes Minseo and Minseo thinks Katie is too mean to join their coloring circle. All too much for you to process in one go, and definitely too much for her to get out in one breath because she stops the moment you hear Chan grunt, kicking the door open slightly to make his way inside.

"Chan!" She abandons you, and Chan lights up as she runs into him, spinning her around. "Hey, Rosie! It's been so long, oh! What happened to your arm?" 

He kneels down to her height, and it makes your heart warm. Your parents definitely did not plan to have another child so late in life, but Rosie was the easiest kid ever. You remember when they brought her home – you were a junior in high school and you were ecstatic. You'd been staying with the Lees, and they all came over to meet her.

Chan was the only one who pulled you aside and asked how you were doing. You admitted you were a bit overwhelmed, and he wound up offering to stay the night and just talk. His parents allowed it and the two of you ordered takeout and spent the entire night just talking.

Rosie kept your parents young and on their toes – enough that they made friends with other couples in their neighborhood. Rosie was popular, she had lots of friends at school and around the neighborhood – loads of people came to her birthday parties and your home was the designated playdate house. 

You zone back in to see Rosie offering Chan a marker, and you gasp. "No way you're letting him sign before me! I'm your sister!" "But Channie's my best friend." She retorts as you walk over, squatting next to Chan, who sticks his tongue out at you. "That's what you get for not helping me unload the car." "Oh, but you're so big and strong! You're supposed to do it!" You argue back childishly, only for your little sister to stomp her foot. "Sign it! I have things to do!" Chan bites back his laughter as he signs it, before handing the marker over to you. "Do tell, Rosie. What things do you have to do?" "Well, I have a tea party in ten minutes and I do not like to be late. The tea will get cold." She sniffs, and Chan pats her shoulder. "Have fun, pipsqueak." She runs off, obviously over the excitement of her sister and her 'best friend's' arrival. Chan gives you a glance, "Feeling better after having to do nothing?" You shrug, smiling at him. "I appreciate you, you know that." "You have a funny way of showing it." He says pointedly, before tilting his head towards his duffel. "Mom said I have to stay with you this time, my cousins are in town for a few days and they're in my room. Is that cool?" "Promise you'll wear socks to bed?" You hold your pinky out and he sighs, shaking his head as he links your pinky with his. "Fine, but that means you have to wear pants." You smirk, winking at him. "It's my bed, Chan." You stand up straight, shaking your legs out before walking away from him. He shakes his head again, tonguing his cheek as he follows suit. You wander into the kitchen, and your mother greets Chan with a hug. They start catching up about little things as you open the fridge, grabbing a wine cooler for yourself and a beer for Chan, shoving it into his chest and leaving. You hear your mother jokingly ask if Chan wanted the air mattress, and he only laughs before denying it, saying he should help you unpack and get comfortable. She agrees.

"Need help?" He moves to leave the beer on the table, your wine cooler tucked under your arm as you hoist your duffel over your shoulder. 

"Nope." You smile, making your way to your bedroom. Yours is the only one downstairs, and it's in the furthest corner in the house as well. You practically begged your parents for it, insisting it was the warmest room in the house when the winters came about – and once Rosie came along, they let you move downstairs, saying the baby needed to be near them. You'd eagerly agreed and moved out happily.

Chan followed behind you quietly, his own bag over his shoulder as he took a sip of the beer you gave him. He wouldn't finish it, and the two of you would likely swap drinks before either of you had too much of it. As he reached your room, he saw you backflip onto your bed, a groan from your lips as you sank into the memory foam mattress.

"Fuck, this is gonna do wonders for my back." You moaned, eyes closed as you kicked your shoes off. He snorted, putting his beer next to your wine cooler on your dresser before doing the same. "Jesus, when did they get this for you? Your mattress has always sucked." You know he's not referring to the time three years ago that he snuck in, but your cheeks heat anyway as you look at him. His eyes widen, and he clears his throat. "I didn't mean–" "They got it for me last summer." You interrupt, and he nods quickly. "Sorry." "For?" You try to act nonchalant, but you clear your throat one too many times for him to think it's fine. So…he makes it worse. "We never talk about those days, you know. It's not like…it's weird. Right?" Not weird at all. I don't miss the way you felt inside me, nope. Not at all.

"Do you…want to?" You don't mean to sound so bitter, but Chan clicks his tongue. "I mean…it wasn't the worst thing ever. I…liked you a lot." You grimace at the awkwardness, but try and shrug. "I mean…I hope so. We did say we loved each other. A lot, might I add." "I said it a lot, you deflected." He corrects you, and you turn your head to look at him. "Are you doubting that I loved you?" "You wanted to break up on my birthday, Y/N, not even a week before Valentine's Day. Forgive me for assuming." He rolls his eyes, and you sit up. "No, I didn't. Your birthday is on the 11th." "Yeah. You came over on the 11th after we didn't see each other for weeks. We were kissing and you said that we should break up." He props himself up on his elbow, and your brow furrows as you think. 

The two of you managed to sneak a glance or two in during cheer practices, but the days before blurred together because you pulled several all-nighters studying for your anatomy midterm. You remember checking the time before you left your dorm to go spend the night with him, it'd been five-thirty.

On February 11th.

"Shit, I'm sorry." You breathe, and he shakes his head. "What good is it now?" He shrugs, picking at a loose thread in your comforter.

"Chan, I'm sorry." Your hand finds his shoulder, and he gives you a soft smile. "It's fine. You finished the day with me anyway, that was all I'd wanted that year."

I'm sorry for breaking up with you, I wish I hadn't done that.

"I did love you. I still do, you're literally my best friend." You say gently, and Chan's eyes meet yours. They hold something you can't quite grasp, "It's different. Of course I love you, you're my best friend." You feel like your stomach is about to fall out of your ass when Chan shrugs again, his shoulders constricted by the tightness of his top. Your eyes follow the curve of his waist, his sweatpants tied around his hips loosely. "It's just different between you and me now, you know? It's not the same friendship it was before." He rolls onto his back, arms behind his head as he keeps talking. "Sometimes, I think it shouldn't have happened at all. I mean, let's be honest. Between you and me…things have always just been simple. We overcomplicated it by doing whatever it is that we thought would enhance our relationship." You can feel your chest aching with every word, but you can't seem to stop listening. Your eyes burn with tears as you let him keep talking. We?

"I guess it was something of a dumpster fire. Everyone always assumed we'd be something, maybe it's good we got it out of our systems." He nods, before looking at you. His eyes widened, sitting up quickly as you covered your face with your hand. "Y/N–" "You can be really, really coarse sometimes." You mumble, sliding off your bed and grabbing your wine cooler off the dresser. "I'm going to go find my dad, make yourself at home." You tighten your sweater around yourself, flinging the door open and slipping into the bathroom. You refuse to let the tears fall, taking a deep breath before drinking half of your can. You press the cool metal to your cheeks before stepping out, walking out towards the garage to see your father tuning one of his many guitars.

"Oh, you're home! I've missed you!" He puts the bass guitar down, before he frowns. "What's wrong, honey? Are you okay?" "M'fine. Hey." You shake your head, giving him a one-armed hug. He's not convinced, holding you closely. "You can talk to me, you know that." "It's stupid. What are you doing here?" You set your drink down on his workbench, only to see your father's stern look staring down at you. You sigh, running your fingers over the strings of the guitar. "Chan and I broke up." Confusion crosses his features as you take a seat on one of his cushioned bar stools. "I thought you broke up ages ago, sweetie." "We did. That's the problem." You mumble, feeling a tear slip out of your eye and you brush it away quickly, but your father sighs carefully, wrapping an arm around your shoulder. You bury your face into his ribcage, feeling sobs rack your body as he hums quietly. Your father had always been the person you went to when it came to Chan, because your mom was convinced you'd be the brute of the relationship – and insisted you were too harsh with your words at times.

"What'd he say this time?" He asks softly, and you wipe at your nose with your sweater sleeve, trying to form it in a way that doesn't expose your entire relationship. "He just mentioned that he felt like our friendship was different now that we'd involved feelings in the past, and that he thinks it's better that we 'got it out of our systems.' He said that he wishes it'd never happened sometimes, who says that?" Your father nods, a frown on his lips as he sighs. "I'm sorry he said those things, honey. I assume he didn't know you still felt some type of way about him?" "I don't." You lie through gritted teeth, but your father knows you far better than that. He pats your shoulder, glancing down at you. "Now, you and I both know that's not true. You called me crying about him a few weeks ago, didn't you?"

You had. You don't exactly remember what you'd said, but you remember it being three in the morning and your mother taking the phone and telling you to get a grip. It only made you cry harder, enough that your father stayed up for the next two hours soothing you over the phone. Chan walked into your bedroom a few hours later and asked if you were okay. You kicked him out of your room out of embarrassment. "Why can't you be one of those dads that kicks the guy's ass for me?" You pout, swatting his arm as he lets out a full bellied laugh. "Because I have two wonderful daughters and a loving wife I need to provide for. If I beat up every guy that crosses you, I'd be sent away. I'd miss graduations, birthdays, anniversaries. Weddings, at some point. I'd hate to miss those beautiful moments." You roll your eyes, and your father smiles lightly. "I also happen to know how to distinguish when my daughter is doing these things to herself. Chan might be saying things you don't exactly want to hear, but that's exactly what you're not doing. You're not talking to him about anything. He can't know how you feel if you're not telling him." You huff, but you know he's right. "Well, it doesn't matter anyway. There's nothing to tell him, and if he wants to act like we're better off being as distant as we are then I'm no one to beg for his presence." "That pride of yours will get you in trouble. Knock it off." He says pointedly, before sitting on the stool next to you. "Now, listen to this. I think my tune is still off."

Dinner was always a nice, intimate affair between your family and Chan's. You gather around the large mahogany table your father made years ago, and talk about everything and anything under the Sun. They ask you and Chan about school, cheer, and dating. Rosie talks about her friends and her toys, your mother talks about her restaurant and your father about his music store. The Lees tell you about their dance company, and give you updates on Chan's younger brother, who would be spending the holidays stuck at work. 

Dating spins the table once more, and your father gives you a look that says he'll change the topic if you say the word. Mrs. Lee starts by teasing her son, who flushes beet red and insists he's not looking for anything right now. 

"I still never found out why you and Y/N broke up." Mr. Lee chimes in, and you feel your cheeks grow hot as you grip your fork. Rosie looks between the two of you, her nose crinkled. "Ew! You were boyfriend and girlfriend?!" "No." You answer quickly, and your voice is far too nonchalant for Chan's taste, it seems. He gives you a confused look, and you shrug. "We just didn't work out. It wasn't good for us." "Easy for you to say." He mutters, shoving a piece of bread into his mouth. You grimace, and Mr. Lee shifts uncomfortably before you feel the words tumble from your mouth. "Yeah, well when you tell your girlfriend she doesn't love you, it's kind of hard to want to be together." Mrs. Lee's eyes are wide, spluttering over her glass of water as Chan groans, pulling his cap over his eyes. "That's not what I said, Y/N, you're twisting my words." "Am I?" You scoff, letting your fork clatter on the table as you push your chair back. "I mean, seriously, who fucking cares anymore? It's been three years." "Language, Y/N." Your mother's voice is stern, gesturing to your little sister who looks increasingly bewildered. You sigh, closing your eyes as you scoot your chair back into the table. "We just broke up. It's fine. I'm sorry for swearing, Rosie. Bad girl Y/N." You apologize to your sister, who nods slowly.

Chan mumbles an apology to Rosie as well, and the tension is thick as Mr. Lee clears his throat. "I'm sorry for bringing it up."

"Not your fault, Mr. Lee. Sore subject." You shake your head, patting the left side of your chest, as if saying it pains you. He gives you a sorry smile, before Mrs. Lee speaks up. "Will you be fine to room together? I don't want you guys to fight this entire trip, we haven't seen you in so long." "It's fine." You and Chan say in unison, eyes meeting in a glare over the table. "I know how to keep my mouth shut, it's no problem." You add, and Chan scoffs, mumbling something like ridiculous under his breath.

"Alright, that's enough. We haven't seen you guys in four months. We're going to sit here and enjoy this dinner, damnit!" Your mother speaks loudly next to you, making you jolt. Chan apologizes as he sits up in his chair, your little sister wide eyed as your mother shoves a spoonful of mashed potatoes in her mouth. You elbow her lightly, and she coughs.

"Sorry, Rosie." Your father makes the rest of the dinner go smoothly. He mentions his store, and tells a story about a guy who came in wanting to learn a few songs for his wife who was in the hospital. Everyone listens intently, and dinner is wrapped up within the hour. You offer to pick up, your mother's tired eyes thankful as she carefully hauls your now sleeping sister up the stairs to bed.

You tongue your cheek as you bid goodnight to the Lees, offering to wrap the cake your mom made in case they want to have a sweet midnight treat. They accept it and you watch them as they make the walk down the lawn to their house. You shut and lock the door, seeing Chan lingering at the bottom of the stairs speaking to your father. They both look apologetic, but Chan's cheeks are tinged pink as he rubs his neck, a habit he developed when feeling sheepish or admitting something.

You frown to yourself, turning back to the table. You gather all the plates, stacking them as you walk around the table. You'd pack the leftovers first, but you had to move everything out of the way properly.

"I'll wash." You hear Chan say, before he takes the plates from your hold. You don't reply, simply moving to gather all the cups and silverware. You dump any remaining drinks down the sink, ignoring the way he scrapes the plates over the garbage can. You move around in silence, quickly wrapping leftovers and moving them into containers, before sliding everything into the fridge and standing next to him as he washes the cups, moving onto the silverware quickly.

"I didn't think it would bother you." He begins, and your hand tightens around the glass in your hand, before you wipe it down with the rag in your other hand. He scrubs the silverware harshly as you mutter, "You assumed." "Yeah, well, I thought we were best friends. I thought I could assume shit and be right." He huffs, and you carefully take the knives from him, swiping the rag over the blades with ease. "You are right." "What?" He looks up from the soup bowl in his hand, and you shrug. "You are right. I guess I just didn't want to admit it earlier, but things are different between us now. It's whatever." You're lying. You're absolutely lying and Chan's face tells you he knows.

"You've always been a bad liar, Y/N. Don't start trying now." He scoffs, and you don't say anything as you dry the forks and spoons, opening the drawer to put them away. He washes the rest of the bowls in silence, but sucks his teeth the moment he grabs a plate.

"Why?" He asks reluctantly, and you raise a brow at him. "Why, what?" "Why are things different?"

You hum in response, drying a bowl as you think.

"For one, you've been inside me." You start, making him cough. "Be serious." "I am serious! Did you not fuck me three ways to Sunday every time I slept over? Did I imagine that?" You snort, and you watch his cheeks flush as he tongues his left one. "Whatever. What else?" "You stopped hanging out with me as much. I would call or text and you'd leave me on delivered for hours, and then get back to me once I was already ready for bed. Or you'd drunk dial me and come over. You used to properly spend time with me, but after that whole dumpster fire, you kind of just hung out with me when you wanted to." You don't intend to sound so hurt as you say this, but Chan's hands slow under the running water. He nods, a soft look in his eyes as he glances at you. "I'm sorry." "What good is it now?" You repeat his words to him, and he looks up at you. "Don't be like that." "You also blatantly made moves on other girls in front of me. If the relationship meant nothing to you, you could've said that. It would've made moving on a lot easier." You say pointedly, before forcing out a humorless laugh. "God, your body count must be in the double digits now. Is it?" He doesn't reply, but you nudge him with your elbow. "Is it?" "Yes."

You shake your head, tonguing your cheek as you open the cabinet and slide the bowls in carefully.

"What's yours?" "Two." You respond shortly, his eyes wide as he looks up at you again. "Two?"

"Problem?" Your brow is quirked as you reach for the first plate, and he shakes his head. "No. I just…" "Assumed it would be higher? Yeah, you're doing a lot of that lately." You roll your eyes, and he scowls. "Can you stop? You had some fault there too, you have to admit that." "I don't see how I'm to blame at all for you just assuming I didn't love you. I spent every waking moment by your side if I wasn't studying or showering, and even then it was like we were glued at the hip. I hardly had my own space, you literally snuck into my room after three days because you couldn't sleep without sticking your dick in me." "Why do you keep talking like the sex was only good for me? Like you didn't enjoy yourself? Because I remember something very fucking different." He scrubs the plate in his hand with vigor, and you let out a soft, mocking laugh. "Maybe I don't remember it that way. Maybe it was only good because I loved you. The other guy was very different." Chan tenses at your words, his hands still under the running water. "Was he?" "Yeah." You nod, but the truth is, you didn't like it nearly as much. He made you cum, sure, but it was missing that…flair. That eagerness Chan always had, the passion he had, the stamina to keep up with you. It was missing the love you had for Chan, and you remember struggling not to ask this random hookup to hold your hand, or kiss you when you came, or to tell you he loved you.

All things Chan did without realizing.

"Mmh." He doesn't speak again, handing you the dishes almost angrily before muttering something about a shower and leaving the kitchen. You wipe down the counter silently, your eyes welling with tears when you hear Chan rustle about. You assume he's moving into the bathroom when you feel a hand on the back of your head, carefully tangling in your hair as you feel his lips brush the shell of your ear.

"You do a really good job of pissing me off, but I won't ever deny that you're the best I've ever fucking had. No one feels like you and no one has made me feel like you have. No one." He pushes you back lightly, storming back out of the kitchen with his shirt in his hand. You get a glimpse of his bare back, the muscles tense as he walks away. You feel your heart racing in your chest, your fingers coming to check your pulse as you take a deep breath.

Some vacation this is going to be.

DECEMBER 23, 7:22AM.

You thank God for the fact that everyone in your house is a deep sleeper, and can't hear how loud your heart is beating in your ears at this present moment.

Chan had taken the edge of the bed closest to the door, something he always did when the two of you shared a mattress. Or rather, the edge of the fucking mattress — he was practically hanging off. You curled into the corner closest to the wall, and stayed there the majority of the night. Chan left your TV on, knowing the white noise of whatever show he put on would lull you to sleep.

However, throughout the night, Chan migrated closer and closer to you – eventually opting to pull you into his chest. Your leg was draped over his hip and your face was nuzzled into his neck, breathing in his soft body wash and the baby powder deodorant he stole from you.

"Chan, get off me." You groaned, pushing the heel of your palm into his shoulder. He scrunched his nose, shoving your hand away before pulling you back in. "Just fucking hold me, will you?" He rested his chin on your head, arms wrapped around you like a boa constrictor attempting to asphyxiate its prey. "Chan, I can't breathe." You're muffled against his ample chest, and he only slightly loosens his arms. You wiggle about, attempting to get comfortable at the very least, when his hand moves to grip your hip.

"Stop." His voice is hoarse as he pushes your hips away from him, which ends with you on your back and his arm over your waist. You sigh, reaching for your phone to check the time.

Seven-thirty-four. Your mother is likely either about to get up or making breakfast right now.

"I'm gonna get up." You mumble, wiping at your eyes when Chan is muttering under his breath. You lean closer to hear him, but he stops. "Speak up, I can't hear what you're saying." "Nothing, go. Eat something." He turns his head away from you, buried into the pit of his arm and the pillow. You raise a brow, turning back on your side. "Why can't you just tell me? Have you always been this difficult?" "Y/N, I'm hard as a rock right now. You can get out or you can watch me take care of it, I frankly don't give a flying fuck." He spits, and you feel your cheeks heat as you clear your throat. You move his arm from your waist, carefully peeling the blanket back to climb off the bed. He lets you slide over him, before his hand shoots out to grab your wrist, yanking you back onto the mattress. You yelp, your back hitting the comforter as he quickly moves to hover over you, his lips crashing onto yours. Your hands fist his shirt, your eyes fluttering shut as he carefully licks into your mouth. 

You let him cup your face gently, his thumb softly caressing your cheek in tandem with the movement of his lips. He pulls away, pressing a chaste kiss to your lips quickly before your eyes open and he's looking down at you intently.

Neither of you speak, but you both know what he wants. His eyes dart all over your face, and you feel your cheeks heat as your hand shakily moves to palm him through his sweats. His jaw clenches at the friction, his hips involuntarily rolling into your hand when he shudders.

"Only if you want to." He murmurs, and you nod slowly. "I want to. Take your pants off." He pushes off you, sitting on the edge of the bed and you take the opportunity to kneel on your rug. It's nicely padded, but he scoffs as he grabs one of the pillows and makes you move onto it. He undoes the drawstring, but your impatient hands move to his hips and you pull the sweatpants down to his knees carefully. He hisses at the feeling against his cock, but says nothing as your hand wraps around it.

Your heart is racing as you stroke him a few times, his lip tucked between his teeth as he tries not to buck into your hand. "Don't tease me, please." He breathes, and you feel your lips twitch as you lean forward, spitting on the leaking head and spreading it carefully. You lick a stripe up the underside, following the thick vein with the tip of your tongue, working your hand at the base.

He groans, leaning back on his hands as you flatten your tongue against the head. You swirl it slowly, remembering how much he liked it the few times he let you go down on him. Chan, ever the giver.

"Fuck, baby, please." His hand moves to your head, gathering your hair in a makeshift ponytail as you take him into your mouth carefully, hollowing your cheeks as you let his tip hit the back of your throat. He sighs as you start to bob your head up and down, your tongue never stopping its laving as your throat constricts around his tip slightly. You push yourself to take him deeper, your nose slightly brushing his pelvis as he lets out a guttural groan.

“Can you shut up? My parents will hear you.” You pull off entirely, a frown on your spit-slick lips as he nods quickly, mumbling a breathy sorry. He sucks in a sharp breath as you sink back down on him, his hips involuntarily jerking into your mouth, making you gag slightly. "Shit, sorry–" "Just keep doing that." Your voice is slightly raspy, his eyes wide as he swipes your hair away from your face. "A-Are you sure? I don't want to hurt you–" "Do you want to finish or not? I can get up right now." You roll your eyes as you adjust yourself on the pillow, his hand still in your hair as he stands, tonguing his cheek. "Open your mouth." You do as you're told, instinctively sticking your tongue out as he holds his shaft, a soft moan from his throat before he leans slightly. The hand in your hair moves to your jaw, before a wad of spit lands on your tongue. You feel your cheeks warm, eyes fluttering shut when you feel his tip drag across your bottom lip. His fingers gather your hair again, his voice gentle as it hits your ears. "Let me know if I'm too rough." That's all he says before you feel the weight of his cock on your tongue, hearing him let out a quiet hiss as his tip hits the back of your throat. He's slow with his movements, methodical thrusts into your mouth as your hands rest on his toned thighs, digging your nails into the sides. "Eyes open, baby. Wanna see you." His voice is hoarse as it hits your ears, your eyes slightly watery as you peer up at him through thick lashes. His lips are bitten raw as he looks into your eyes – it proves to be too much for him as you whimper around his cock in your throat. "Fuck, you look so pretty like this." You ignore the way your stomach flutters as he rolls his hips messily, thumb coming to wipe the corners of your mouth from the bubbles of spit. Your hands move up his thighs, shoving his shirt out of the way to watch the way his chiseled torso flexes as he fucks into your mouth. He whines at your touch, his grip on your hair tightening as you notice a faint tattoo on his hip. You file it to the back of your mind as you feel his cock twitch in your mouth, his release spilling onto your tongue with a whimper.

You move back slightly, his fingers carding through your hair as he softly massages your scalp. "You okay?" His breath hitches in his throat as he feels your tongue on his tip. He pushes you away slightly, before his hands wrap around your wrists, pulling you off your knees. "You're fucking insatiable, you know that?" You shrug, "If you say so." He stares into your eyes for a moment, his own glazed over with a mix of lust and something you can't decipher. He leans forward a bit, brushing his lips to yours. You let out a shaky breath as he nips at them, watching your lower lip bruise slightly. "Pretty. I've always loved your lips." You roll your eyes, going to move away when he presses his lips to yours chastely. Once, twice, three times before his lips travel to your cheeks. He peppers kisses all over your face, making your nose scrunch as he pecks the tip of it.

"I'm sorry about everything yesterday." He murmurs, his hands moving to hold your cheeks. Your hands rest on either side of his hips, and you sigh. "It's whatever. Pull your pants up, what if someone comes in here?" "It's not whatever, Y/N. I hurt your feelings, and it was shitty of me to say those things. Especially when I didn't mean any of it, I was just…" "Angry?" You suggest, and he sighs as he moves to tug his sweatpants over his thighs. He ties the drawstring as he sits back down, your knees now settled on the pillow beneath you once more. "I don't know if I was angry. It's stupid, really. I shouldn't have spoken about it that way, is all. And I'm sorry." "You made me feel like I was just the first notch on your bedpost. You could've told me that was all I was to you, but it wasn't necessary. Not with the way you just started sleeping with other girls so soon after our break-up." The words tumble out of your mouth before you can stop them, and he gapes at you as you shift uncomfortably, opting to stand up. You pick the pillow up, fluffing it before tossing it onto the bed and drifting to your mirror. Your lips were a swollen mess, and you wiped at them with your hand before hearing a soft knock at the door.

You glance at Chan, who has a stoic look on his face before he stands up and answers the door. It's Rosie.

"Hey, babycakes." You call over Chan's shoulder, and he moves to the side as she waves. "Mommy told me to tell you it's time for breakfast!" "We'll be right there, pipsqueak. Ten minutes, tops." Chan smiles, and she nods excitedly, before bolting back down the hallway, screaming your estimated time of arrival. You smile to yourself as you yank open your dresser drawer, fishing out a t-shirt.

Chan's hands are on your waist as you root around, and you peer over your shoulder to see a soft glaze of tears over his eyes. Your brows raise in concern, and you twist to face him, your hands cradling his cheeks. "What's wrong? Are you okay?" "Do you ever consider how you made me feel? Or how you make me feel when you say things like that?" His voice is thick, and you feel your eyes begin to sting as your lips part. You shake your head slowly, his arms wrapping around you tightly.

"Did you think about what I said last night?" He asks softly, and you avoid his eyes as you sigh, nodding your head. "You know that's not just about sex, right? That's about everything, ever. You're the only person who has ever made me feel that way." "What way? Like you need to fill a void? I get it, I'm shitty for breaking up with you on your birthday." You mutter, and he tilts your chin up to look at him. His eyes are still glossed over but hold a stern look.

"In a way that I feel like I can't fucking breathe without you. Nothing means anything to me since we broke up, but just a crumb of your attention makes me feel fucking insane. I don't think you understand how much you and your moods and the way you talk affects me. Everything about you drives me up the wall with want and need and I need you to understand that."

Your voice is lost on you, your throat constricting as he tucks your hair behind your ear, thumbing at the small hoops he's never seen you without. "I look for you in every girl I've been with since. Every single one, and none of them compare. None of them are as stubborn as you are, none of them give me shit when I do something stupid. If you want to talk about sex, fine. I've never finished, not once. None of them feel the way you do, none of them kiss the way you do. Not a single one of them can I close my eyes and have their body burned in my mind, not the way I have yours. Not a single one has filled the spot you left, and I'd rather die an honest death and tell you that no one ever will if it's not you." Your lip is quivering as you look away from him, and he rests his forehead on your shoulder as your arms drop to your sides. "Please, please tell me you feel the same." You can't. You want to, you feel the ache to fill his cup until it overflows deep, deep in your stomach. But you're scared this is just for the moment, the fact that the two of you are away from any available hook-ups within a ten-mile radius. You're afraid that this is something temporary, just like the first time – but this time, with the intent of ending.

You hadn't wanted to call it quits then. You hadn't but it was the right thing to do – no matter who chastises you for it. You'd known, in your heart, that Chan was the person you are destined to love forever – whether you knew it then, drunk and high that first night in his bedroom, or in the backseat of his car, or even that time under the bleachers at a national cheer competition…it doesn't matter. Whether you knew it'd be in this pathetic way, doesn't matter. You know now.

He's looking for a good time, you tell yourself. And you may be a good time, a great time, even – but you won't do that to yourself. "It took me two years to move on." You don't recognize your own voice, thick with tears and a bitter taste in your mouth. "Two years, and you fucked Chaeyoung in your bed because you saw Minghao and I doing stunts together and got jealous for no reason. You fucked Chaeyoung and Seonmi, within an hour of each other. You didn't even wait a month."

He doesn't speak, nodding his head in silence against your shoulder as he pulls you impossibly closer. His chest is flush to yours, and you can feel his tears soak into your collar. 

"All because you didn't want your fraternity brothers to flirt with me. All of this, years of pining after you, yearning for your touch, missing you in my fucking bed, because you're a jealous asshole who can't stand the idea of not being the only guy in my life. All of this, Chan, because you wanted to say that I didn't love you when I don't think I've ever been able to think of a future with a man that isn't you."

His hands grip your sides tightly, your own pushing against his shoulders as you let a choked sob fall from your lips. His eyes are just as red as yours, his cheeks just as tear-stained as yours. Heart, just as broken and empty of you as yours is of him.

"It's not fair to me. Not when I'm still hurt, not when I can still taste you in the back of my throat. Not when you ignored me for girls and drinks, not when I called my dad in the middle of the night because you weren't home and I'm worried that you're not answering my calls. Not when my mom thinks I'm the brute here, when it's you." He nods, eyes closed as he squeezes you in his arms. He rests his forehead on yours, "They're waiting for us. Wash up quickly." Your stomach sinks, but you feel your heart pick up a bit as he places a soft kiss on the corner of your lips. "I love you." You don't say it back.

Breakfast had been awkward, to say the least. You went to the kitchen after an hour, the two of you lying through your teeth to your parents about your red-rimmed eyes. Your father gave you a hard look, and you were set to clean the table after breakfast when Mrs. Lee offered to take you Christmas shopping.

"We can make a day of it, I miss my girl." She smiled sadly, and you'd only felt your cheeks warm as Rosie insisted she come along. Mrs. Lee agreed, and even roped Chan into coming, as well – his hesitance making your eyes gloss over with unshed tears.

He'd sat on your bed as you got ready, watching you tug on a nice sweater and a form fitting pair of winter pants. It'd begun snowing lightly during breakfast, and your father had suggested you layer up – though he was sure the snow wouldn't stick. You and Chan hardly spoke as he watched you get dressed, his eyes trailing your naked body shamelessly. He helped you put on your winter coat, and carefully helped you put on your watch – a gift from his mother one year. He picked your rings, mumbling about which ones fit the aesthetic of your sweater the best. The casual intimacy of it all was eating away at you, only for Chan to run his hand through your hair and kiss your cheek.

A silent vow that he'd earn you back, you both understood.

Mrs. Lee was a chatterbox – she made Chan sit in the back with Rosie, playing with the Barbies she insisted on bringing as she updated you on everything going on at the dance company. You and Chan had been enrolled as kids, Chan becoming a far better dancer than you were – but the two of you excelled the same amount when it came to gymnastics. Chan begrudgingly abandoned dance to cheer with you in high school, but he quickly became enamored with the sport.

Rosie stomped her feet as you asked her to leave the Barbies in the car, only agreeing when Chan said it'd be a shame if she lost them. You rolled your eyes as she asked him to pick her up, but he did so anyway, her pink cast scratchy against his neck. "Rosie, you know Channie's my best friend, right?" You teased her, earning a huff from the pouty six-year-old. She stuck her tongue out at you, earning a surprised laugh from Chan as he saw her in the reflection of a car window. The wind was biting, and you found yourself hovering behind Chan. As the four of you entered the mall, Rosie asked to be put down – only for Mrs. Lee to pull her close, holding her small hand within her ringed fingers as they wandered into a toy store.

"Cold?" He asked, snaking his arm around your waist. You shrugged, but your teeth chattered as you tried to speak. The two of you laughed in unison, Chan carefully swiping your hair out of your eyes as the two of you walked forward. You try not to let your face react as he interlaces your fingers.

"Did you get your mom's gift yet? I know your dad's is in the car, and Rosie's are all in my duffel." "Shit, I knew I was forgetting one. I got your parents tickets to a cruise, I need to print those, too." You tap your temple, and Chan gasps. "I'm their son, you can't get them a better gift than me!" "What did you get them? A picture of you in a frame from the thrift like you did in grade nine?" You roll your eyes, and he huffs, squeezing your hand. "No, I got my mom a few pieces of jewelry and my dad just wants a lawnmower." He rolls his eyes, and you snicker. "What'd you get me?" "My presence is your present." "Pretty shitty present, Chan." "Hey!" The two of you continue to bicker as you make your way to a few different stores – you swipe your card far too many times for you to count. Chan carries all your bags as you skip ahead of him, holding a cup of hot chocolate for your little sister as you find Mrs. Lee filed away with her in the back of a jewelry store. "What've we got here?" You squat down to Rosie's level, and she pulls her short hair back to show you her ears. "Mrs. Lee got me earrings like yours!" A pair of thin gold hoops sit in your sister's ears, and you glance up at Mrs. Lee with a pout on your lips. "You didn't have to do that, Mrs. Lee. I would've bought them for her." "Nonsense, it's the holiday season. I have her studs in my purse, don't let me forget to give them to your mother when we get back." She gives you a stern look, before glancing behind you, a smile on her lips. "Y/N's got you busy, huh?" Chan feigns annoyance as he huffs, "You could say that. What's going on here?" You turn to tell him when you see Rosie peeking into one of the bags before you cover her eyes. "No peeking! You'll see it on Christmas, babycakes." "Just one! Please, please, please!" She holds your hand in her sticky one, likely from any snack Mrs. Lee would've bought her at one of the stands. You grimace, before sighing. "Okay, one. When we get home, okay?"

"But I'm sleepy." She pouts, and you ruffle her hair. "Then you take a little nap in the car. You can use my coat as a blanket, okay?"

The six-year-old reluctantly agrees, before reaching for the cup in your hand. Chan and Mrs. Lee prowl the store together, their eyes lingering amongst all the glittering jewelry and whispers between them as you get offered a chair by a saleswoman. You tug Rosie onto your lap and ask her about what she did – she sleepily tells you Mrs. Lee took her on the carousel ride at the children's court, then bought her a piece of honey cake at a pastry shop. She yawns as she talks about a few pairs of shoes Mrs. Lee bought her – high top Twinkle Toes and a pair of winter boots to wear as the weather changes. She doesn't manage to finish the hot chocolate as she rests her head on your shoulder, and you finish it off before managing to throw the cup into a trash bin a few feet away.

Chan and Mrs. Lee are speaking to a saleswoman at the register, her eyes a little too heart-shaped as Chan fends his mother off to swipe his card. You hold Rosie close, your eyes watching the exchange as Mrs. Lee huffs, a triumphant smile on Chan's lips as they approach you again.

"Any more places you wanna hit before we go? My fingers are about to fall off." He shows the lines from the bags across his fingers, and you shrug. "You offered, now deal with it." He scoffs, but doesn't get a chance to retort as Mrs. Lee interrupts him.

"We should get going, actually. They did say it was going to storm pretty bad tonight." Mrs. Lee winces as the saleswoman walks up to Chan with a receipt, your eyes narrowing as he quickly tucks it in his pocket. Mrs. Lee speaks up again, "Kind of an odd thing to say, though, because it's been unusually warm." "First snow always sneaks up on us on years like this." You sigh, shaking your head as the four of you walk out of the store. You pick Rosie up, holding her on your hip as Chan shifts all the bags to one hand to push your hair out of your eyes.

"You guys are so cute!" An older woman compliments you both, just as Mrs. Lee appears next to you, her eyes slightly wide as Chan tucks your hair behind your ear. His cheeks tinge pink as his mother gapes lightly, but she says nothing as you walk towards the exit. You pull Rosie's hood over her head as you reach the doors, and tug her scarf up to her eyes before bracing the cold air. "Fuck, it's cold." You hear Chan mutter as Mrs. Lee shudders, her gloved fingers fumbling with the key fob as the car comes into view. You shiver as she pops the trunk, watching Chan carefully put everything in it as Mrs. Lee slides into the driver's seat, turning the heat on blast as she turns the engine on. You carefully slide Rosie into her carseat, trying not to wake her as you click her seatbelt in place. You slide your coat off, shivering immediately in the biting wind as you cover her lap with it before shutting the door quickly. 

Chan's eyes are wide as he sees you crossing your arms over your chest, your scarf the only layer protecting your neck as he nearly rips his coat off and wraps it around you. "Are you insane? Do you want to get sick?" He doesn't let you reply as he ushers you to the passenger side, nearly shoving you into the seat and all but slamming the door. He closes the trunk before getting into the backseat, his nose red from the cold. You glance at him through the rearview, watching him blow into his hands as he meets your eyes. He looks at you pointedly as Mrs. Lee pulls out of the parking spot.

You look away.

"So." Because your mother is at her restaurant editing the holiday menus and Chan has taken the rest of the day to spend time with his cousins, you've asked Mrs. Lee to help you pick out your Christmas Eve dinner dress. She is sitting at your desk as you model options for her, the current cranberry red dress a bit too short for her taste. You frown as you change in the closet, "So, what? What's up?" "When are you and Channie going to figure this out? I mean, it's been years." She sighs, and you hear her rustle through one of the shopping bags. You step out to see her holding the dress you bought for New Years' dinner, the black glitter mocking you as you sigh. "I don't know what you mean, Mrs. Lee." You smooth your hands over a forest green sweater dress with gold accents, before turning to her. "This one?" "You know what I mean, honey. There is still something between the two of you, don't think I didn't see the way he practically tore his coat off earlier." She shakes her head at you, and you scoff. "That doesn't mean anything, he's just a gentleman." "Yeah? Then what was last night's outburst about?"

You freeze, your hands fisting the dress as you go to pull it over your head. She peers at you through the full-body mirror, her eyes so reminiscent of Chan's. You purse your lips, looking away and at your socked feet as you slowly make your way over to her. You perch on the edge of your bed, "I don't want you to think less of me." Her hands hold your cheeks gently as you feel a tear roll down your face, her eyes wide and worried as she shakes her head. "Honey, I could never. You're such a smart and wonderful young woman, and you've always treated my Chan so well. You've been his biggest hypewoman, I could never think anything but the best of you." "I was the one who broke up with him, on his birthday." You say shakily, "I didn't remember it was his birthday, but that's on me. I just…I thought I was doing the right thing. I broke things off because I wanted us to focus on school. We were so busy after we went back from break that we didn't see each other unless we were at practice, and it was eating away at me." You wipe your eyes, Mrs. Lee's hands now folded in her lap as she listens. "No one can be upset with you for doing what you felt was best, honey." "Chan was." You scoff out a laugh, rolling your eyes as you sniffle. "He still is, I guess. We got home and we sat down in here for a bit, and we talked. He said that maybe it was better this way, that things had always been 'easy' between him and I, that involving feelings wasn't the best move. That our relationship was a dumpster fire, and that he's glad we got it out of our systems because he wishes it never happened sometimes. That he…felt like I didn't love him." You trail off, feeling a surge of tears roll down your face as you wipe at your nose with your sweater sleeve. You glance at her, her own eyes glistening with unshed tears as she tilts her head. "And he moved on. I didn't. So…I don't know if it's fixable. I'm sorry to disappoint you, if you thought Chan and I would be something of a forever as anything more than just friends." You give her a sad smile, and she quietly sighs.

"He called me a few days after his birthday that year, you know." She nods, looking at her nails before she flicks her hair out of her face. Your eyes widen as you sit up slightly, "He did?" "He was a mess." She laughed softly, running her hands down her jeans. "He cried and cried, I remember asking him if he wanted me to go up to the campus. I was so worried about him, until he told me that you two weren't seeing each other anymore. Just a boy needing his mother because the girl of his dreams broke his heart." Her voice is slightly teasing, but your heart sinks. "What?" "Oh yeah, honey. Channie's not very good at hiding his feelings, we knew he liked you since you were kids. We figured it would take him a bit to realize it, but once you two came home for the holidays that year, it was like he was a different person. He walked in with so much confidence, not that he needed anymore." She snorts, and you laugh softly. "He just seemed happier, a lot brighter. Like he does when he dances." You feel your chest ache as you look away, her hands finding yours. "I know that in there, somewhere…there is a love waiting to be let loose again. I know maybe then, it was the right thing to do. I know you wouldn't have done it if you didn't think you had to, I've known your heart since you were a little girl. I know it's kind and strong and you're a good person, Y/N. Don't think about it too much, I know you've both felt that pain but trust me when I say, there is no life without pain. All I can tell you is to live without regrets." She squeezes your hands, and you sigh shakily, your eyes still letting tears flow. "What if we break up again?" "Then you can always say you tried." She shrugs, "You're Y/N, he's Chan. If I know anything, it's that you're both hard headed and you never give up on anything. Why make your relationship the first thing?" She gives you a warm smile as you nod, and she glances at the sweater you have on. "Maybe not this one, either." She wrinkles her nose, and you scoff in mock offense. "I've tried everything on in my closet! Why don't you pick something for me, then?" She grins as she gets up, skipping to your closet and rustling about. You check your phone, seeing a few missed messages from Chan.

Msg From: Chan 💗 [5:33PM] dude these guys SUCK [5:34PM] come hang out with me :( [5:34PM] i'm sick of this shit, soonyoung keeps making spitballs?? are we fucking thirteen??

You snort, watching as Mrs. Lee drapes a few options over her arm. Msg To: Chan 💗 [5:55PM] can't, hanging out with ur mom [5:56PM] do you want to take a drive later? i think the temp went back up a bit and it's not as windy

Msg From: Chan 💗 [5:57PM] oh so you hate me??? you get her tickets to a cruise AND you're hanging out with her? do you just wanna paint me as a bad son??? [5:57PM] i'd say yes but i don't think i'll be back until right before dinner :( but tomorrow after dinner at your mom's restaurant? maybe we can catch a late movie or something.

You don't get a chance to reply as Mrs. Lee whispers a small aha! She rustles around a bit more before coming out with only one dress, one you hadn't worn since you bought it because you never had an occasion. It was a long, champagne colored dress with a sarong skirt and long sleeves. The skirt was carefully ruched at the hip, before flaring out in an open slit. It had a sweetheart neckline littered with rhinestones, and you winced as you ran your fingers down the fabric.

"It's not too showy for dinner? We're just going to the restaurant." You sigh, thumbing the stitching. Mrs. Lee scoffed, "Your mother has worn far more extravagant things than this, do you remember when she wore a ball gown to New Year's last year?" You snort, thinking back to the way you hide your face as you walked into the Lee home last year. Chan made a comment under his breath about how insane the baby blue dress was, but everyone was more or less a fan. 

You also remember the way his hand slid a little too low on your back that year as rang in the new year with a hug.

Looking up at Mrs. Lee, she gives you a mischievous smile. "Go on, try it on! And we can do some hair and makeup stuff before we have to have dinner!"

Needless to say, your mother did a double take when she arrived home and saw that you were fully dolled up at the hands of Mrs. Lee. Her jaw dropped as she took in the wine red lipstick you stole from her bedroom and glittery eyeshadow, before a huge smile overtook her face and she rushed into your room to talk. It holed you away in the bedroom for another hour and a half before you graciously kicked both women out for just thirty minutes alone before dinner.

You stood in front of your vanity, dress hung back up your closet and a sigh filled the room as you reached for a makeup wipe. You peered at yourself, Mrs. Lee's words filled your mind as you ran your hands through your hair. Pursing your lips, you tie your hair back before hearing a knock at the door, and Chan opens it slightly.

"Hey. I'm home." He's not looking at you as he tugs his coat off, a sigh from his lips as you quirked an eyebrow at him. "You don't sound very happy." "I'm just tired, I don't remember what it was like to shoot the shit with those guys." He scoffs, throwing his jacket over the back of your desk chair before sitting in it. His eyes widen as he finally looks at you, "You look pretty." "Thanks. Mothers." You shrug, before reaching for the makeup wipe you abandoned in order to tie your hair back. "Wait, wait, let me see." He reaches for your hand, pulling you towards him. You roll your eyes as you sit on the edge of the bed, your other hand on your knee as he looks at your face.

"Why haven't you ever worn this lipstick before? It looks really nice." His thumb pulls at your lower lip, before you swat his hand away. "Stop that, someone could walk in." "Then lock the door? I'm just looking at you." He rolls his eyes as he stretches, "Did you figure out what you're wearing tomorrow?" "Barely. I'm still overthinking it, but the Moms said to go for it so…we're going for it." You shrug, and he raises a brow. "Do you want to show me? Maybe a third opinion could help settle it." "Nope." You grin, before standing up to move back in front of the vanity. His hold on your hand pulls you back, his other hand snaking around your waist as he pulls you into his lap. You huff as he kisses your shoulder, "Chan. Seriously."

"I missed you." He pouts, leaning his cheek on your shoulder as you roll your eyes. "Yeah, well…" You trail off, your cheeks heating as he smiles up at you. He's about to say something when you hear a knock at the door, making you jump in his hold. You rip yourself away from him, nearly stumbling as you rip the door open. It's Rosie.

"Ooh, you look pretty! Can I try?" She hops into your room, puckering her lips as she looks into your vanity. You snort, "Hello to you, too. Do you come with a message or just demands?" "Dinner in ten minutes. Can I try now?" She jumps in front of the mirror, and you roll your eyes as you motion for Chan to hand you your makeup bag off the edge of the desk. He does, and you root around in it for the lipstick, pulling out a lip brush as well. You squat in front of her, "This is Mom's lipstick, okay? We can only use a little bit." She nods, letting you carefully trace the brush around her lips. You turn her around in the mirror when you're done, lifting her up slightly. "You like?" "I like!" She smacks her lips loudly, and you smile inwardly as you set her down. "Can I wear this tomorrow, too?" "If you ask Mom and she says yes, we can talk about it." You shrug, and she nods quickly, before grinning at herself in the mirror one last time. "Okay, bye! Thank you!" "Bye, babycakes." You laugh, closing the door as she runs out. You give Chan a glance, rolling your eyes as you reach for the makeup wipe. "Gotta love that kid." "Don't take it off." He pouts, standing up to slide next to you in the mirror. You scoff, "Why? You're just gonna stare at me over dinner and everyone's gonna think something that isn't." He huffs, resting his chin on your shoulder as you carefully wipe at your eyes. You peel one open, seeing him pouting in the mirror. You struggle not to roll your eyes as you turn your face to look at him, planting a soft kiss on his cheek. "Stop pouting, it's not a good look on you." His eyes are wide as you continue to wipe the makeup off, his hand coming to ghost over your jaw as he makes you face him. "I missed you." He repeats, before nuzzling his nose against yours. Your breath hitches in your throat as his lips brush yours, before he whispers against them.

"I love you."

And just like this morning, you let him. You let him slot your lips together in a tentative kiss, your heart beating wildly in your chest as he turns you around, pressing your back into the vanity. His hands move to hold your hips gently, his fingertips barely breaching the hem of your shirt as he pulls away. He doesn't move back much, brushing his lips against yours as he squeezes his fingers against you softly.

"Will you at least let me try to win you back?" You feel your skin grow hot as you look away, and your heart flutters in your chest as he cradles your face softly in his warm hands. He presses a kiss to your forehead, "Please?" You want to tell him there is nothing to win back, you'd always be there. If time was the issue, you'd wait – no problem. But there is that part of you that's hurt that wants him to fight for you. The part of you that wants him to beg for you back, the part of you that wants him to hold you tight and cry with you about how stupid he's been when you've been equally as stupid. Maybe in a different way, but you're both idiots in your mind.

You look into his eyes through thick lashes, the heat of his gaze making you want to melt into the ground. Chan, despite the history between you two and his bad habits, had always been both the angel and the devil on your shoulders. He could lead you down any path and you'd blindly follow, but you knew you were the same for him. The truth of it all was that your trust in Chan has never wavered, even when the pain of his actions settled into your bones.

"Okay." "Promise?" His eyes are wide as he holds his pinky out, and you sigh, closing your eyes as you nod and link your fingers. "Promise." You both kiss your thumbs and touch them to each other, before you wipe the stamped lipstick off his cheek. "Don't tell your parents anything or I'll get Soonyoung and Mingyu to put snow down your pants tomorrow." He rolls his eyes, "You still haven't let me introduce you to them, so good luck. I wasn't going to tell them in the first place, anyway, because they'd make me go to my room after Dumb and Dumber go back into town tomorrow afternoon. I still can't believe they didn't ask for the holidays off."

You roll your eyes, moving the makeup wipe to your lips as he traces circles into the skin of your hip under your shirt. "Double pay, probably. My mom is shelling out double pay at the restaurant these next few weeks." He hums in response, "Did my mom say anything I should know about?" You snort, "Wouldn't you like to know." "I would, thank you. Tell me." "I have to wash my face, Chan." You give him a pointed look as you push past him, moving to your bathroom as he sighs, trailing after you. "Okay, you can wash your face and speak." "Chan, get out of my bathroom. They're probably waiting for you at the dinner table." "If they're waiting for me, they're waiting for you." He reminds you, leaning against the doorframe. You huff, reaching for your face wash as you turn the faucet on. "Go. I'll be out in a minute." He sighs, before pushing off the doorframe and leaving without a word. You feel your chest heavy with worry as you lather your face wash into your skin, but you force yourself to push all your rushing thoughts to the back of your mind. If Chan is making the moves to make things right, you have to at least give him his flowers for that. He wouldn't pull a fast one on you, he's not that kind of guy.

Right?

DECEMBER 24, 6:05AM.

Dinner between the two families had been rather entertaining. Your mother was enamored with the earrings Mrs. Lee got for Rosie, and the parents discussed carpooling groups for the Christmas Eve dinner at your mother's restaurant. You and Chan would be the only ones not lumped into your father's SUV, and you couldn't help the way you glanced at Chan with a wince. He had a slight grimace on his face as he agreed quietly, the two of you holding up the façade of your fight so as to not make anything obvious. He snuck a few kisses to your lips as the two of you did the dishes, before the two of you turned in for the night. You showered and brushed your teeth, only to have to wait for Chan because you kicked him out of the bathroom before he could offer to save water by showering together. He'd pouted, but it didn't matter. There was a line you couldn't cross…and that's it, right?

Either way – Chan had pulled your back into his chest at some point throughout the night, not that you were complaining. Yesterday morning's shenanigans seemed to have continued – but this time, his hand was up your shirt as he grinded himself against your clothed cunt, nipping his teeth against the skin of your neck. You were about to turn over to kiss him when you heard the heavy knock of your father's hand on the door. You nearly shoved Chan off the bed with how quickly you sat up and jumped over him, answering the door with a flushed look.

"Dad, don't do that! I nearly shit myself." You hold your hand to your chest, and your father holds out two cups of coffee. "You have a shower, you'd survive." "Don't be gross." You grimace, carefully taking the cups and setting them down on the dresser. Chan sits up, eyes squinted as he stretches his arms over his head. "Good morning, Chan." "Good morning, sir." He mumbles, before running his hands over his face. Your father gives you a quizzical glance, seeing your eyes a bit low as he snorts. "You guys might want to wake up, the snow outside is insane and Rosie will want you guys to help her build a snowman." "You can't help her? It's barely six." You rub at your eyes with the heels of your palms as your father smooths your hair down. "I'll give you an hour." "Two hours." Chan groans from the bed, flopping back down and tugging the duvet over his shoulder. You snort, taking a quick sip from the steaming white mug. You crinkle your nose at the bitter taste, only to hear your father laugh softly. "Hour and a half. Deal?" "Deal." You nod tiredly, and he nods as he moves to shut your door. "Set an alarm, or I'm coming in here with pots and pans."

You only nod again, holding the coffee cup to your lips as he shuts it tightly. Looking over your shoulder, you see Chan sitting up on his elbows, a scowl on his lips. "Seriously?" "It's the holiday season and they haven't seen us all year, it's only normal that they want to spend time with us." You roll your eyes as you set down your cup, sliding back under the covers as he grunts. "They can't wait until the sun comes up for that? I love our families, but I don't wanna be outside in subzero temps." "It's not even subzero, dumbass. It's like, seventeen degrees out." You rest your head on your pillow, looking up at him with tired eyes. "Subzero or seventeen, it's still the asscrack of dawn." "Never too early to have your hand up my shirt though, is it?" You say pointedly, and he scoffs as you shift uncomfortably in your sticky shorts. "So if I pull your shorts down, you won't be wet? You weren't complaining." "I never said that, but you're complaining about it being the asscrack of dawn yet you're feeling me up in your pretend sleep." You shake your finger in his face, making him sigh as he lays on his side. "Sometimes I just like touching you, okay? It doesn't always have to end in something, baby." "You mean you like riling me up so I'll be the one to pounce. You're not slick, I know your tricks." You drape his arm over your waist as you face away from him, feeling his lips brush the shell of your ear. "So should I continue or are you going to play hard to get?" "You know, you just reminded me to shove snow down your pants. Maybe then you'll calm down."

He scoffs, pressing a kiss just under your ear before pulling you closer to him. You nestle into his warmth, feeling his hand slip under your shirt. He doesn't move it, his thumb caressing just above your navel as his breathing slows. You close your eyes, but not feeling the thick veil of sleep creeping up on you. Huffing, you turn on your back, making Chan stir slightly but he says nothing. You stare at the ceiling, the early morning sun barely peeking in through your blinds. 

"You're thinking too loud."

Looking at him from the corner of your eye, you snort. "Sorry, did my thinking disturb you?" "Go back to sleep, we're not going to get a chance to rest until after dinner." He sighs, before you roll onto your side to face him. "I can't."

He hums, opening his eyes with a sigh. "Better start trying, baby. It's been like twenty minutes since your dad left." 

Rolling your eyes, you shift lower to press your face into his stomach. His hand cards through your hair gently, his fingertips grazing the skin of your neck as they dip below the collar of your shirt. "Comfortable?" "It's alright." You retort, making him laugh quietly. "Just alright?" "You don't need your head to grow any bigger, Lee." "Humor me, will you?"

"Never." You huff, fisting the material of his sweatshirt. His breathing slows once more, but yours still can't match his. Frustration festers in your stomach, and you find yourself tracing circles into his sweatshirt before pushing it up slightly, bunching it around his ribcage. Your fingers make contact with his warm skin, drawing shapes into it with your dull fingernails when you feel him softly tug at your hair.

"Don't start something you can't finish, baby."

You scoff, your breath warm against his skin. "Shut up." He only hums, your fingers continuing their tracing when you find yourself pressing your lips to his skin softly. Once, twice, three times as you move around his slim waist. He shifts slightly, a shaky sigh falling from his lips as you nip at the skin around his navel. Your palm pushes his hip down until he gets the hint, moving to lie on his back as you push his sweatshirt higher. Your thighs rest on his as you straddle him, and you feel the outline of his cock against the soaked fabric of your shorts.

You can feel his eyes on you as your tongue pokes out from between your lips, licking a stripe up his sternum before pressing a kiss between his pecs. You pepper kisses across his chest, feeling his breathing ragged beneath your wandering hands. Your thumb lightly ghosts over his right nipple, and you feel him jolt beneath you.

"Y/N, what are you doing?" He groans, making you smirk against his skin as you flick the tip of your tongue against his nipple, his hands flying to your hips to hold you steady. "Baby." "Stare at the ceiling or something, stop interrupting me." You shrug, before pulling his sweatshirt higher. "Take this off." He obliges, nearly ripping the piece of clothing over his head before sitting up slightly, grabbing the back of your neck and pulling you into a searing kiss. You let out a squeak of surprise, his tongue snaking into your mouth at the opportunity. Your hand snakes up his torso, your fingers pinching lightly at one of his nipples. His hips jerk roughly against you, a moan spilling into your mouth as you pull away quickly, clamping your hand over his lips with a scowl.

"Shut the fuck up! Do you want them to hear you?"

He licks your palm, making you grimace as you wipe it on his shoulder, his hand on your neck pulling you back down to his lips. "I don't give a fuck who hears me as long as you're the one making me sound like this."

"Yeah, well I have shame. Shut your mouth before I put something in it." You snip, but his other hand snaps the waistband of your shorts against your hip. "Yeah? You'll shut me up?" "You're a sick freak." You scoff, shoving yourself off him. "Go lock the door."

His eyes widened as you began to undo the drawstring of your shorts, your thumbs sliding under the waistband with a pointed look. "Hello? Lock the fucking door, Chan." He nearly falls off the bed getting out of the sheets, making you snicker to yourself as you shove your shorts down your legs. You ignore the few strings of arousal connecting you to the ruined cotton and the way the cool air of your bedroom makes you wince, reaching for your phone as Chan slides back into the bed. 

7:15am.

"We only have fifteen minutes." You flick your shorts to the side as you move back over Chan, his eyes wide as he glances at them. "Baby." He breathes, holding them up by the waistband.

"Shut up, I'm ovulating or something." You roll your eyes as a blush coats your cheeks, making him snort. "Or something? Just admit you like it when I feel you up in my 'pretend' sleep." He makes air quotes with his fingers, making you scowl as you take the shorts from his hand.

"Open your mouth, since you can't stop running it." He sticks his tongue out at you, before happily opening his mouth. You stuff the crotch of the shorts into his mouth, ignoring the way his eyes flutter at the taste makes your core clench around nothing. You try not to look at him as you settle yourself onto his chiseled torso, the same faint tattoo mocking you as you try to figure it out. Biting your lip, you gently roll your hips against him, the feeling of the hard muscle against your clit enough to make your legs tremble slightly. He groans around the shorts, his hands moving up your thighs as you grind down against his stomach.

With every rut of your cunt against his lower stomach, you can feel his painfully hard cock poking the meat of your ass. You ignore the way he winces every time, moaning softly around the soaked shorts as his hands move higher on your thighs, his grip only making you whine. It's not long before his stomach is covered in your arousal, your whimpers filling his ears as he covers your mouth with his hand before taking the shorts out of his mouth.

"I can make you cum faster than this." He whines as your thumbs circle around his nipples, but you roll your eyes, "I like it this way." "I know b-baby, but I'm two seconds from blowing in my pants." He sighs shakily as you move his hand from your mouth, pinning it above his head. Your lips brush against his as you lean forward, looking into his glossy eyes. "I'm not fucking you, you have to earn that." "Sit on my face." He breathes against your lips, pressing a chaste kiss to the corner of them as you shake your head. "We won't have enough time–" "Two minutes, you know me." He begs, weaseling his arm out of your grip to push you up his torso as you huff. "Chan, it's risky–" "Everything about our entire relationship has been risky, why stop now?" He whispers, and you look at him to see a slightly dejected look in his eyes. He wants to please you, you know he does – and you want him to make it up to you. All those lonely nights missing his face between your thighs like a starved man, all the useless vibrators that got you nowhere near the orgasms he pulled out of you. "Make it fast." You mutter, moving to kneel over his face. He nods silently, his arms wrapping around your thighs as he pulls you down, his nose bumping your clit and making you jerk. "Chan!"

"Shh, baby." He murmurs, nosing at your pussy like a dog after a bone. "You smell so fucking good, missed this." 

You squirm as he places a kiss on your clit, your fingers holding onto the metal headboard for stability as he flicks his tongue against it teasingly. He moans into your wet heat, his pouty lips wrapping around your sensitive bud as you force yourself to swallow your whines, rocking your hips against his face, feeling your end coming embarrassingly fast.

"Chan." You breathe out, reaching down to pull at his hair as he furrows his brows, his tongue messily collecting your arousal with soft grunts. "Mmh?" You don't say anything, hoping he just knows what you mean as you let a whine slip, your thighs tightening around his head. He forces them apart, using his strength to grind you against his tongue. You're a whimpering mess above him, your thighs trembling as you fall forward against the headboard. You're gripping the metal with your hands as you come undone with a whisper of his name, feeling your stomach cave in as he keeps licking at you.

A knock at the door makes him stop (and you jerk), his arms holding you firmly against him as he clears his throat. "Yes?" "Are you guys up? Why is this door locked?" It's your mother, and she jiggles the doorknob as Chan laughs, lying on the spot. "I'm sorry, I'm changing! Y/N is about to get in the shower, she'll be out in twenty minutes, I promise." "Tell Y/N to wear leggings under her pants, it's freezing out there." She's not suspicious, and Chan gives you a look of relief as he answers. "Will do! Thank you!" "You're welcome!" The two of you sit in silence as you wait a few moments, before you feel Chan's tongue snake through your folds. You try to push off his face, but your legs feel like jelly as he fucks the tip of his tongue into you. "S-Stop, we have to go." "I bought us twenty minutes, gorgeous. Let me do what I gotta do." He mutters, practically making out with your clit as you squirm away. "Chan, we have to get up." He sighs, his hands massaging your thighs. "Can never relax, hm?" "Be so fucking serious." You scoff, mustering all your energy to get off his face. He watches as you lay on your stomach with a groan, "I can't even get up. Fuck you, man." "Please do. I never want to cum in my pants again, this shit feels so gross." He grimaces, sitting up and running his hands over your thighs, digging his thumbs into the sore muscles. You peek at his pants, your fingers coming to lift the waistband when he swats your fingers. 

"Come on, we have to shower or they won't buy it."

"Any time I've showered with you, you've tried to slide your dick between my asscheeks. I don't trust you." You snort, and he only lands a soft smack to your outer thigh. "It's a wonderful ass, can you blame me? But, for the sake of time and your so-called shame, I'll skip out on it." "Ugh, fine."

Chan stays true to his word, the ten-minute shower consisting of nothing but soft kissing under the showerhead and soapy hands sliding around naked bodies. Him finishing in his pants isn't a lie, either – and you apologize by letting him tongue at your nipples for two minutes. Every touch landing where it's not supposed to, pulling soft whines from each other as tongues slipped from mouths to collarbones before he reminded you that you couldn't mark each other above the neck if you wanted to remain undiscovered.

Chan toweled his hair dry and got changed quickly to appease your awaiting parents, but didn't leave the bathroom without a kiss…or three, to your lips. He lingered a bit as you dried your hair, a warm smile on his face as he watched your scrunched face in the mirror – when you caught his eye. "What?" "I love you." 

He doesn't wait for you to respond, only tucking his coat under his arm as he exits your bedroom. You pretend it doesn't make your knees weak as you pull two pairs of leggings on, and your snow pants. You pretend it doesn't fill your stomach with butterflies as you tug on two pairs of socks and your heavy boots. You pretend it doesn't make your cheeks warm as you pull on one of his t-shirts under your sweater, and you pretend it doesn't make you tingle with excitement as you shove on your coat and tuck your scarf under your chin. You slip out of your bedroom with your lip balm in your hand, only to see Mrs. Lee and your mother scolding Chan as he sits in one of the dining room chairs, your mother's hair dryer blowing hot air in his face. He's wincing as they let him have it, a pout on his lips as he sees you. "Tell them you hogged the hairdryer!" He begs, making you smirk. "I'd be lying, wouldn't I?" You reach out to ruffle his hair, sticking your tongue out at him as you make your way to the kitchen. You see Rosie and your father holding hot packs to their faces, your little sister's nose red from the cold. "Have fun out there, babycakes?" You ask, leaning on the island with a smile as she nods quickly. "Mingyu and Soonyoung helped me make a snowman! You and Channie have to help me, too. It has to be bigger!" "You met Mingyu and Soonyoung already? I haven't even met them!" You feign offense as she nods, your father rolling his eyes. "If you had been up earlier, Chan could've given you a proper introduction." "I was not going to be up at six in the morning to make a snowman, I'm sorry." You shrug, before checking your watch. "It's only eight, how are you guys so chipper?" "We don't have to wash all the dishes after supper. So I guess you're off the hook for not being up earlier." Your mother snorts from the kitchen entrance, a red-cheeked Chan following behind her. He sticks his tongue out at you, making you snort. "Nice hair, man." "Shut up." He rolls his eyes, and your mother sighs as she slides two plates of breakfast food in front of you. "Eat up, we've got a busy morning." You and Chan glance at each other, knowing she means that the entire family has to work to tire Rosie out enough that she takes a nap sooner rather than later. If she goes down later, everyone will be late for Christmas Eve dinner.

Which will make your mother very upset, and God forbid you make your mother upset during the holiday season!

You and Chan practically scarf your breakfast down as Rosie excitedly recounts how Mingyu and Soonyoung kept fighting over what carrot would make the best nose for her snowman. She smiles cutely as she holds up a carrot your father was holding, "But I saved the best one for our snowman, guys!" Your heart melts as she says that, your lip jutting out in a pout as you shovel the last of your waffles into your mouth. You take your plate and Chan's to the sink as she continues speaking, careful not to get your sleeves wet as you wash them quickly. Chan dries them as she gets to the part where Mingyu spit a raisin at Soonyoung, making you choke on your water. Rosie stops mid-story, tugging your father out of the kitchen – insisting she was all warmed up and ready to go back outside. "Save me!" Your father mouths as he allows your little sister to drag him out, making you snicker to yourself. Chan slides the plate into the cupboard, running the rag around the sink basin as the kitchen grows quiet. You swallow the last of your water, only to feel Chan's fingers on your jaw.

"Just a quick one." He utters quietly, his eyes darting to the entryway as you roll your eyes, pecking a chaste kiss onto his lips. He can't help but hold you in place, kissing you again slowly when you hear the door open. You push him away, sliding your empty glass onto the island as Mr. Lee yells into the house. "Get out here!" You both nearly trip over each other trying to exit the kitchen, Mr. Lee shoving two pairs of gloves in your hands as he shoves the two of you out. Chan shivers next to you, looping his arm with yours as you carefully make your way off your porch. You tug the gloves on, giving him the other pair as you brave the winter air.

"It's colder than a witch's tits." You hear someone say, and your head whips around to see two guys sitting in two folding chairs next to an abomination of a snowman, holding cups of coffee between ungloved fingers. Chan rolls his eyes as he tugs you towards them, their eyes averting to you and the one with blond hair nearly spits his coffee out.

"Don't be fucking weird, okay?" Chan says, and the blond one scoffs. "You didn't say she was a fucking bombshell, Chan!" "Maybe because it's none of your business if she is or isn't! She'd never date you, anyway." Chan pulls you close suddenly, and you smile sheepishly at the two men.

"Hi, Y/N." The brunet smiles at you, his eyes trailing you a bit too long for Chan's liking. "Don't look at his teeth, that's how he gets you." Chan covers your eyes with his hand, making you scoff as you pull it down.

"Don't be a baby, Chan." You roll your eyes, before extending your gaze to the men. "It's nice to meet you guys. Who is who?" "Mingyu." The blond one points at the brunet, who points back at him. "Soonyoung, resident idiot.' "Hey!" Soonyoung shoves him, making Mingyu snort. "It's the truth, Rosie made him eat a disk of snow with raisins on it."

You laugh as Chan sulks, making you pinch his cheek and coo. "Don't be jealous, Channie. As long as neither of them is taller than you–" "Suddenly, I need to stretch." Soonyoung says with a grin, and Mingyu rolls his eyes as Soonyoung tugs him up. Soonyoung is only two inches taller, but you find yourself whistling lowly at Mingyu's height.

"You're huge, dude." You look up at him, earning a huff from Chan. Mingyu smiles around the rim of his cup, shrugging as he takes a sip. "You're not the first to say that, but I can fit you in my schedule if you'd like to see what else is big." "Dude, no fair. He doesn't wash his socks, you know." Soonyoung scowls, making you snort. "Yeah? What about you, Soonie?" "Enough! We're out here to build a snowman that's better than your absolute monstrosity, not for you two to hit on my best friend until I vomit!" Chan stomps his foot like a toddler, and you laugh, patting his chest. "Chan, buddy, reign it in! Go get Rosie." He looks hesitant as his cousins make eyes at you. There's a pout on his lips as you pinch his cheek again, whispering in his ear. "Be a good boy and fetch, yeah?"

He should be embarrassed at how quickly his cheeks tinge pink at your words, ignoring his cousins' teasing as he turns on his heel to find Rosie. He watches from his peripheral as they joke with you, how easily they make you laugh and how you fit right in with the duo. His heart warms a bit at the idea of his extended family liking you so quickly, but the idea quickly gets shoved aside as he remembers how flirtatious and greasy his cousins can be. The next two hours are spent with Mingyu and Soonyoung calling you pretty and cute to bother Chan, and you instigating the compliments to get under his skin. Rosie got tired halfway through building the snowman, and made you promise you wouldn't finish it without her. She gave you the carrot for safekeeping, making you tuck it into your jacket pocket as your father hauled her into the house. Your mother and Mrs. Lee made a quick trip down to the restaurant, and your father and Mr. Lee opted to salt the driveways and sidewalks for the dinner trip later that day.

Chan? He's tonguing his cheek as he packs snow in his hand, hearing Mingyu call you gorgeous as you take a sip from his cup of coffee. He chucks it in his direction, hitting Mingyu square in the shoulder. Mingyu stops talking as he feels the impact, his jaw dropping as he sees the snow sliding off the leather of his thick jacket. He wipes the snow off his jacket with a boyish grin, and your eyes widen as Soonyoung quickly throws a snowball at Chan – who dodges it and lands one of his own on Soonyoung's chest.

You snort to yourself as the trio begin to throw snowballs of various sizes between each other, opting to settle in Mingyu's folding chair with your legs crossed. You hold his cup of coffee, before calling out to the men. "Whoever wins gets to help me pin Chan down and shove snow down his pants!" Mingyu smirks, running his tongue over his teeth as he zeros in on Chan – who is gaping at you. "Oh, come on! That's not fucking fair!" "Good luck!" You hold up Mingyu's cup, tilting it towards them as the two men begin to chase after Chan, who has a hefty head start as he hides behind your father's SUV before hopping the fence to your backyard. Your dad snorts as he salts the sidewalk you're sitting on, "You're awful to that boy, you know." "A little snow down the pants never killed anyone." You retort, making him shake his head. "How're Mingyu and Soonyoung? Nice fellas, eh?" "If you count them flirting with me to piss Chan off nice, I'd say so." You grin, and he rolls his eyes. "You're something else, honey. Just talk to the kid." "I do talk to him, Dad. Trust me, I talk. He just doesn't listen." Rolling your eyes, you hear something reminiscent of a battle cry when you see Chan pelting Mingyu and Soonyoung with snowballs as he whizzes past you and your father, making you both double over in laughter as they round the corner into the next neighborhood. It fades to quiet for a moment, before you hear yet another shriek, followed by a fuck yeah!

You and your father look up to see Mingyu holding Chan over his shoulder, thrashing in order to free himself. Soonyoung throws his scarf around Mingyu's waist, effectively tying Chan's legs to the bigger man. Chan slumps against Mingyu, and you almost feel bad as your father shakes his head at you, "Not too much snow, Y/N. Be considerate." "You got it, boss!" You call after him as he shuffles into the house, and Mingyu grins as he presents Chan to you, turning around to show you the defeated pout on his face. "You hate me, Y/N. You hate me and you're going to freeze my dick off with a chunk of snow." "I could never hate you, Channie. But, I do want you to suffer just a bit." You smirk, and he sighs. "Put me down!" "Will you run?" You take a sip of the cup, and Chan's eyes flash with jealousy. "No. But you can't use more than a snowball's worth of snow. Promise me." He holds his pinky out, and you wait until Soonyoung turns around to grab his coffee to peck his cheek. He flushes, but you can just barely tell under his wind-bitten skin. "No promises, Channie." Mingyu manages to wrestle his arms behind his back, Soonyoung just teasing Chan as they all watch you gather snow in your gloved hands. Chan whines pitifully in Mingyu's hold as you approach with a decent amount of snow in your hands and an evil smile on your face.

"Y/N, please. I'll beg, I will! Don't do this–" Your best friend squirms in Mingyu's arms, and you make kissy faces at him as your hand pulls at his waistband. The flannel lining is stark red against the white snow, and Chan braces himself as you press a shameless kiss to his forehead.

"Y/N, don't! I'll buy your breakfast for a month! I won't ever drop you during practice again, baby please–fuck!" Chan thrashes against Mingyu as the snow slides down his legs, having foolishly only worn the snow pants over his boxers. "Oh you fucking hate me, oh my God! Let me go!" He frees himself from Mingyu, who can barely hold himself up from laughing as Chan shakes the snow out of his pants, jumping around like a frog to warm himself up. "Go get in the shower before you get frostbite on your balls!" Soonyoung calls after him as he races into your house, making you snort as you finish off the last of Mingyu's coffee.

"Love that guy, he's so easy to torture." You roll your eyes as you take Mingyu's chair once more, earning a warm look from Mingyu. "How long did you guys date back then? He only told us so much." You shrug, "Couple months. A really good two months, but…just the two."

You toy with the cup, before Soonyoung sighs. "He's a good kid. Please don't break his heart again, I don't think he can take it." He rubs his neck, and Mingyu nods, kicking snow off his boot. "It's funny that we've never met you until now, Chan has talked about you as long as he's been able to."  The statement makes you snort. "Yeah, well. Chan's a jealous guy, that's how we even started dating in the first place. He didn't like that his frat brothers were making eyes at me when I helped him move in, but I guess he just never understood that…" You trail off, clearing your throat when Soonyoung finishes your sentence. "Understood that he's the only one for you?" He tries, and you sigh, nodding. "Yeah." "That's cute. Like, so cute. Adorable, even." Mingyu teases, and you lightly punch his shoulder. "Shut up." "I always thought Chan would end up with you. The amount of times we'd have to kick him off the Playstation because he'd talk about you instead of playing his turn was insane." Soonyoung scoffs, taking a sip from his cup. "I think I've heard your favorite color at least eighty times in my lifetime, tell me it's still green." "It is still green, ha." You smile shyly, and Mingyu lies down in the snow, staring at the sky. "Well, it's nice to know Chan has someone who clearly cares. I know you guys broke up because of school, right? Too busy and all that." "I felt so overwhelmed. We broke up and he made the fucking Dean's list, I was crushed when I didn't. Then again, Chan's always been better at masking how he feels when it comes to…things between us." Shrugging, you feel the heat of Soonyoung's gaze.

"Finding out about all those girls must've gotten to you, huh? He was an idiot, I told him he was when he talked to me about it. He cried, too. Dumbass." Soonyoung rolls his eyes, and your own widen. "He cried? Why?" "He told me two years ago, I think it was summer. I came up here, but you'd gone to a cheer camp for a few days and you came back the day that I left. We got drunk in the backyard and he cried his eyes out about you, and how none of the girls compared to you." He shrugs, and Mingyu pipes up. 

"I was there, too. My best friend was apparently the one who told him to fuck other girls, I cannot tell you how big of a fight we got into when I confronted him about it. It was so ugly, and I was pissed for so long."

"Wonwoo is also one to fucking talk, he's been stuck on one of my friends for ages. Last time he visited, I swear he lost his mind seeing her in her bikini." Soonyoung scoffs, and you nod quietly, "Chan is a dumbass, you're right."

"How long did it take you to move on? Did you?" Mingyu asks, propping himself up on his elbows. You frown, shaking your head. "I slept with one other guy, a year ago. It was okay, but you know." "It wasn't Chan." Soonyoung says softly, and you only slump in your chair. "I felt so pathetic. I still do, sometimes. It's hard not to think about those other girls when he's constantly just…there. He's both the angel and devil on my shoulder, he's consistently encouraging me but then he comes home for the holidays with me and he hurts my feelings." Mingyu sits up fully, a furrow on his brow as he looks at you.

"What do you mean?" "Ugh, it doesn't matter. It was stupid, and he apologized but now…now he's acting like he's in love with me, still. And I…don't know how to take it, or if I should believe him." You murmur, covering your face with your hands as Soonyoung hums. "Well, what did he say to make you think he's still in love with you?" "He said it, verbatim. He says he loves me, he said he wanted to try to win me back. He said that nothing meant anything to him after we broke up, and that he's looked for me in every girl he's been with since." Your voice is slightly muffled by your gloves, and you miss the endeared glances Soonyoung and Mingyu share.

"Then there you have it, Y/N. Not much to question when he's so outright, is there?" Soonyoung speaks around his cup, and you sigh, pushing yourself off the chair. "I guess…I don't know. We're taking a drive after dinner tonight, we might talk then. When do you guys leave?" "In about two hours. But, give us your contact information, you're funny." Mingyu holds his phone out, and you roll your eyes but quickly type in your information. Soonyoung hands you his as well, and they both send you a text to confirm their numbers. You give them each a hug goodbye, with Mingyu pinching your cheek and telling you to just go with the flow. Soonyoung ruffles your hair and tells you that at the end of the day, Chan is just a man and no matter how much you love him, you've got to put yourself first.

And you agree.

You don't get a chance to check in with Chan after saying goodbye to his cousins, because your father ropes you into waking Rosie up and helping her get dressed for dinner. You're holed away in her room, carefully curling her hair when she asks you about Chan.

"Do you hold hands with him?" She asks you suddenly, and you look at her in the mirror, the bathroom light making her dress glitter brighter. Hers was a soft ivory color, likely one to match your mother's. Your father had told you he'd get a champagne tie and pocket square so you'd all look cohesive, and you'd agreed as he left you to babysit Rosie – only for your mother to bang around in the kitchen moments after he left.

"With who, babycakes?" "With Channie, Y/N!" She whines as you spray her hair, and you snort. "Sometimes. When we cross the street, or sometimes just because. He's my best friend, we can do stuff like that." "Have you ever had a crush on him, Y/N?" She wiggles her eyebrows in the mirror, and you laugh, pressing a kiss to her hairline. "Yeah, I have. You can have crushes on your friends, it's very common. It's not always the best idea, though. It can be really hurtful if they don't like you back." "So were you boyfriend and girlfriend or not? Because you say no but Mommy said yes." She got you, hook, line and sinker. You gape at her, and her eyes are pointed as you scoff. "Okay, fine. We were boyfriend and girlfriend for a little bit." "A little bit!? Why not forever? Ugh!" She gripes, and you can only hold back your shock as you smear a little bit of sunscreen on her face. "Well, sometimes things just don't work out, babycakes. Plus, Channie and I will always be best friends." "Daddy told me that he and Mommy were best friends and now they're married. Maybe you and Channie can get married, too!"

You feel your chest grow warm at the idea of marrying Chan, and the fact that Rosie liked him so much that she wanted that for you. You recall your father also telling you the story of how he and your mother met, and why he was so adamant that you and Chan would figure it out. He told you that story so many times over the years, you had it practically memorized.

"Maybe, Rosie." You grin, kissing her nose. "No promises." "It's okay, Channie promised me." She shrugs, climbing out of her chair as you freeze. "What? What'd you say?" "I said, Channie promised me. I asked him yesterday when we were playing Barbies in the car. But it's a secret, so don't tell him I told you." She says sternly, making you gape as she abandons you to find your mother downstairs. You take a deep breath, ignoring the way your stomach fills with fluttering as you make your way downstairs. You see Chan sitting at the dinner table, hair mussed from the wind outside as your mother serves him a cup of coffee. His eyes catch yours, and you quickly look away as you jump the rest of the stairs and dart into your bedroom.

You barely make it to your bedroom without the tears spilling down your face, and you lock the door behind you. You slide down the door, pulling your knees to your chest as you think back to all the moments between you and Chan. All the times he said he loved you, all the times he said he couldn't imagine a life without you.

The time in the backseat of his car, almost three years to the date – where he said both over and over again. Where he dragged his lips anywhere you'd let him, whispers of how perfect you were for him and how insane you made him feel. Where he made you cry as he touched you just right, biting at your shoulders and digging his dull nails into your hips.

Where he told you that you'd tattooed your name across his heart and it was yours forever.

Your body shook with ragged sobs, and you forced yourself to get up off the floor as regret only sank further in. You broke up with him. It was the right thing to do, for the sake of your friendship and the idea of any future together. It was the right thing to do.

"Fuck." You hold yourself over the sink of your bathroom, splashing cold water on your face and letting it drip into the basin. Your tears mixed with the water, and you hear a soft knock at your bedroom door, before the doorknob wiggles. "Y/N? Are you alright in there?" It's your father. You quickly dry your face with a towel, tossing it into the sink before ripping the door open. "Hey, Dad. D'ya get your stuff?" "Honey, are you alright?" His face is worried as his hand comes up to your cheek, and you quickly nod. "I'm good, I promise. I just had one of those moments, you know. Seasonal depresh and what not." He quirks a brow at you, "Seasonal depresh?"

"Dad!" You whine, and he shrugs. "Yes, I got my pocket square. Can you check if it matches your dress? Oh, tell me you're gonna go for curls this year, because your mom is and she's mad that Rosie's are 'too tight.'" He rolls his eyes at the same time you do, making you snort. "Yeah, I'll check. I'm gonna start getting ready now, can you let Chan know so he doesn't come barging in here?" "He's at his house, he just left. He'll be driving you both, though, so you can be comfortable in your shoes." He nods, and you take the pocket square. "I'll get this to you when I'm done, okay?" "For sure, honey. I'll be back later, don't rush." He nods, closing the door as he leaves. You toss the pocket square onto the vanity, before looking into it with a slightly defeated look. You grimace, before grabbing a towel out of one of your drawers.

It didn't take you too long to get ready – you got in and out of the shower, and did your hair within two hours. Your makeup was done an hour later, with Rosie barging into your room and demanding you put lipstick on her, too. You rolled your eyes at her, telling her to say please, telling her to say thank you – both of which she did after you swiped the wine red on her lips. She scampered out of your room as you slipped into your closet, your mother appearing in your doorway to offer her help with zipping you up.

"You look just like me sometimes." She murmurs as she zips the dress, her fingers nimbly hooking the clasp at the top. She runs her fingers through the large curls you'd given yourself, smiling at you in the mirror. You give her a weak one in return, when she sighs, her hands on your shoulders.

"I wanted to apologize, baby." Her eyes are worried as you glance at them through the mirror, your fingers fumbling with the jewelry box in front of you. "Apologize? For what?" "A few years ago, I told you that I thought you were a little too harsh with your words around Chan. I think I went as far as calling you the brute of the relationship, didn't I?" She asks softly, and you look away as you tongue at your lower lip. "Yeah." "I'm sorry. I spoke to Chan earlier after his cousins left, he came in for a cup of coffee before he went to go get ready for dinner. I asked him a few questions about you, and he told me what he said to you a few days ago." She tucks a stray curl behind your ear, thumbing at the hoops she'd given you so many years ago. "It was really shitty of him to speak to you that way, and I told him so. I also told him that if he thinks he has even a remote chance of fixing things with you, that he better get on it soon. You're too kind for your own good sometimes, darling." "You think so?" You mumble, your eyes falling on a necklace Chan gave you for your birthday the year Rosie was born. You hadn't had a party that year, insisting Rosie was more important than anything else. He'd given it to you anyway, on the bus the morning of your birthday. You cried like a baby into his shoulder.

"I know so, honey. I know that somewhere in that heart of yours, you're waiting for him to make things right. Sometimes, I don't agree with it, but I also know you. I know you don't give anyone who doesn't deserve a second chance even a moment to speak to you. You're strong like that, just like your father."

You smile inwardly, her fingers lightly pinching your cheek. "I know you're good at taking care of yourself, but I also know Chan can take good care of you, too. I want you to be happy, and I know Chan makes you happier. You should've seen how you came into the house that year you were dating. You were smiling from ear to ear, like the Cheshire cat." She leaves with a kiss to your cheek, careful not to smudge her own lipstick onto it. She closes the door quietly, but not before you hear the Lees greet your father warmly as they filed into your home. You thumb at the necklace, the simple heart-shaped locket opening to a picture of you and Chan as teenagers. You often wore it open, liking when people asked you questions about the picture. No bigger than a coin, the gold locket has always been something you carried with you even if you didn't wear it.

"Y/N, I'm here for my pocket square!" Your father knocks on the door, and you open the door, holding it out. "Here you go." "Oh, honey! You look so pretty!" Your father covers his face as you spin, before he takes his pocket square. "Wow, you look so much like your mother sometimes." "Funny, she said the same thing." You snort, and he uses the vanity in your bedroom to fix his pocket square carefully. "We discussed seating charts, you're sitting between Chan and Rosie. Is that okay, or should I switch one of them out?" "That's fine. Can you actually send Chan in here? I need to talk to him." You nod, and your father glances at you in the mirror. "Are you sure?" "Positive. Won't take long."

Your father leaves with a kiss to your hairline, and you fumble with the necklace until you hear footsteps outside your door. You lean carefully, hearing a deep breath before a knock. "Come in." Chan slides through the door with closed eyes, almost like he's bracing himself for something. You snort, "What the hell is wrong with you? Open your eyes." "Your dad said you need to talk to me, and if you're going to dump me again, I don't need you to look beautiful doing it." He rushes out, making you gape. "Chan." "I'm serious. I haven't seen you yet but I know you look great. I mean, you always look amazing but I don't think I can handle you dumping me on Christmas Eve when you're in one of those pretty dresses you always wear." He can hardly breathe, and you can't help but laugh. "Nobody's getting dumped, please relax. I just need your help putting my necklace on." "I don't believe you, you could've asked your dad." He shakes his head, eyes screwed shut so tightly you're worried they might never open again. You walk over to him, running your fingers through his hair carefully, before thumbing at the small silver hoop in his ear. "You know we're not exactly together, right?" "In my mind, we've been married since we were in second grade and Hyewon officiated it." He scoffs, and you quirk an eyebrow. "Is that why you promised my sister we'd get married?" His eyes open wide, his lips parting slightly. "She told you?" "Oh good, your eyes are open. Help me put this on." You turn around, grabbing the necklace off your vanity. You pinch the chain carefully, holding it out to him when you look up to see his hand covering his mouth. His eyes rake over you slowly, and you feel your cheeks grow hot as he walks around you. You shift uneasily as he makes it back in front of you, "Do I look okay?" "Okay?" He whispers, making you look in the mirror. You run your hands down the bodice of the dress, "Is it too much?" "Too much?" He's still whispering, his eyes still running up and down your frame as you grow nervous. "Chan! You're freaking me out!" "Oh, baby." He murmurs, taking a few steps closer to you, taking your hand gently and making you spin for him. You feel nerves settle in your stomach, when he finally speaks. "You look so beautiful. I truly don't think words can express how absolutely angelic you look, are you real? Please tell me you're real, this would be a cruel dream." His eyes are wide and slightly glossy as he turns around, and you hear a soft sniffle. You watch his hands move around his face from behind him, your eyes growing wide as he turns back around, teary-eyed as he presses a kiss to your forehead. "No, it's not too much. You're never too much. You look great. Are you ready?" You gawk at him, "Chan, why are you crying?" "Nevermind that." He shakes his head, tucking a stray curl behind your ear. Your brows are furrowed, and you hold out the necklace. "Help me put this on." He glances at the necklace, his cheeks and ears burning a soft pink hue as you spin around, moving your hair to the front. He sighs shakily, carefully looping the locket around your neck and clipping it. You adjust the locket, your lips pursed as you open it. "Wear it like that." He speaks behind you, his hand appearing on your hip in the reflection. You raise a brow, closing the locket only to hear a whine as he rests his chin on your shoulder. Rolling your eyes, you open it, adjusting it to show the small photo of the two of you. "How was saying goodbye to your cousins? They had a lot to say about you." "It was fine. We sent them off with your mom's leftover cake, and Soonyoung finished it in the car before they even drove off. Mingyu was pissed." He snorts, and you hum quietly, reaching for the jewelry box once more. You sifted through your rings, Chan pressing a soft kiss to your jaw.

"I missed you." He pouts, and you give him a half-smirk as you peer down at him. "Did you, now?" "Stop talking to me like that, I'll get hard. You did it earlier too, but I was ashamed then, there were people around." He buries his face into your neck, and you snort out a laugh. "What are you talking about? I'm not talking to you in any sort of way." "Oh, so telling me to fetch like a dog isn't talking down to me?" He scoffs, cheeks aflame as he meets your eyes in the mirror. You suck your teeth, sliding on one of your rings with a shake of your head. "You liked that? You're something else, Chan." "I've literally always been like this, you just didn't notice before." Rolling his eyes, he wraps his arms around your waist. This is when you notice his suit jacket cuffed with silver cufflinks, a gift from your father years ago for graduation. You twist slightly, the top two buttons of his black shirt undone to show off a few layered chains. Some were gifts from you.

Your hand pushes him back slightly, his eyes never leaving your face as he lets you run yours all over him. Your fingers tug at his belt buckle, "You look really nice." "You can do better than that." He chides, and you swallow a scoff but roll your eyes as you pull him to you by his belt loop. You press your lips to his lightly, "You take what you're given, or nothing at all." He breathes out heavily against your lips, and you move your hand to rest on his stomach. "Are you ready? They're going to want to take pictures before we leave."

He can't reply, the two of you springing apart when you hear a knock at the door. You cough as Chan blinks, before opening it to reveal Rosie. "Hi, pipsqueak." "Mommy said that if you're not in the living room, she's going to leave you both here." She relays with a roll of her eyes, and you hold back a snort. "Can't have that, can we?" Rosie asks Chan to pick her up as you slide on one last ring, your fingers fumbling with the lights. Rosie's pink cast is around Chan's neck as he holds her on his hip, and you instinctively slot your fingers with his before remembering your parents will see you. He squeezes your fingers lightly, a sheepish smile on his lips as you let go.

"Wow!" Mrs. Lee is the first person you hear as you step into the living room, your cheeks burning as she clambers over. "Look at you, honey! Oh, you're so grown up." Her hands are tucking your hair behind your ears, the both of you missing the way Chan's eyes fill with adoration as he delivers Rosie to your father. He clears his throat inwardly, watching the way your parents move in front of your fireplace for photos. He can't keep his eyes off you the entire time, even as his parents shove the two of you together for a photo.

"Chan, don't act like you did on prom night. Act like you wanna be here." Your mother scolds him playfully, and you feel your heart flutter as you tug his arm around your waist. His fingers easily settle low on your hip, your own finding his shoulder and you rest your cheek on top. "Smile!" Chan's fingers squeeze your hip as everyone turns away, sneakily pressing his lips to your temple as you begin to move away. Your eyes are wide as he walks away, grabbing your coat off your father's hands and helping you slide it on from behind. Everyone is trying to help Rosie, and he takes the opportunity to whisper in your ear.

"I'm so in love with you. I wish things were different right now." He sighs, carefully tucking your hair into the hood of your coat. You feel your cheeks heat as you turn so he can zip it up, wrapping your scarf loosely around your neck as he connects the zipper at the bottom. 

"I know. Eventually, okay? Just give me some time." You mumble back, tucking the end of your scarf into the coat as he nods defeatedly. You resist the urge to caress his cheek, run your fingers through his hair, kiss him. A weak smile is all you can muster as he straightens fully, adjusting your scarf so the zipper won't snag.

Your parents are looking your way, your mother watching the way Chan carefully zips your coat up. Your father smiles as he makes your mother turn away, "Your keys are in Chan's coat. Lock the door, come on." The two of you scramble behind your parents, Chan hastily shoving his coat on as you wrap his scarf around him as he walks forward. You tuck it into the coat as he zips himself up, his hand holding you steady in your heels as you step onto the porch. He locks the door quickly, trying the doorknob twice as your father helps your mother down the steps, and he offers his hand when he looks at your feet. "Y/N, why are your shoes open-toed? Are you out of your mind?" "I didn't have any heels that matched! It'll be fine!" You huff, and he gestures at the snowy pathway leading to your car. "Your toes are going to freeze and then you're going to get sick and die. Do you want to get sick and die, Y/N?" He scoffs, and you feel your scream caught in your throat as he picks you up princess-style. "Chan! Put me down!" He ignores you as he steps off the porch, carefully maneuvering his way to your car as you huff. Your lip is jutted out in a pout as he unlocks your car, bending at the knee to open your door and carefully set you down on the seat. He buckles your seatbelt in for you as your father pulls out of the driveway, giving you a honk as he turns out of your neighborhood. Chan shuts your door, rounding the front of the car to the driver's side. "You didn't have to do that." You mutter as he slides in, sticking the keys into the ignition as he shivers. "Yes, I did. Don't be brat, just let me take care of you." You don't reply, picking at your nails as he plugs his phone into the aux, handing it to you. Shuffling one of his playlists, the two of you freeze as you hear the opening notes of Meddle About by Chase Atlantic flow through the speakers. Chan purses his lips, single handedly unplugging his phone and tossing it into the backseat. "Nope. No music tonight, it seems."

"I thought you liked that song." You reach for his phone, grabbing it off the edge of the backseat and sliding it into the cupholder as he pulls out of the neighborhood. He has a tick in his jaw as he flicks on the turn signal, "I like it when we're in the backseat and you're on top of me, not when I'm driving you to dinner and not when you're in my clothes on the drive to your house." Your jaw could very well be on the floor the way you're gaping at him, his fingers reaching over to close your mouth. "Chan." "What? I think about that night all the time." He scoffs, turning onto the main street that makes the drive to your mother's restaurant five minutes longer. His hand floats down to your thigh, settling high on it through the slit of your dress. Tonguing your cheek, you stare out the window as your hand settles atop his. "You mean the night that–" "Shut up." You snicker to yourself, sliding your fingers between his. "You know it's not the worst thing in the world, right? Tons of people have breeding kinks." He winces as you say it, making a strangled noise of discomfort from his seat before glancing at you. "Y/N, I want you to take a really good look at me right now and tell me that it wasn't weird." He scoffs, and you shrug, facing him.

"It wasn't weird. I liked it." You admit, "I think the slightly weirder part was calling you daddy, but some things you do out of…you know." You trail off, feeling your cheeks hot as you look out the window. Chan makes a noise of approval, his hand flipping beneath yours to interlace your fingers. He brings your knuckles to his lips, a chaste kiss pressed on top of your rings. "I know, babe." The rest of the ride is silent, some shy glances shared before you pull into the parking lot where your father is waiting with Rosie. You smile, squeezing his hand in the shadow of the center console before letting go. Chan pulls around the building, looking for a parking spot. "We're still taking that drive later, right?" "If you're not too tired, or drunk." He snorts, and you gasp, landing a soft smack to his arm. "I got drunk one time!" "You called me daddy one time, I think that goes to show that you're game for anything at least once." He teases, and you sigh inwardly. "I guess that's true." "I know it is, I know you like the back of my hand. I love you." He says, mostly to himself as he pulls into a spot just a few feet from the door. Killing the engine, he looks over the steering wheel at your father. "Can your dad see us from here?" "I don't think so, he's entertaining Rosie. Why?" You unbuckle your seatbelt as he gets out, and you feel the door close as he rounds the car to open your door. You wait, before feeling the cold gust of winter air rush into the car. You shiver, grabbing Chan's phone out of the cupholder and taking his hand to step out. He pulls you close, tucking a few strands of hair behind your ears as you look into his eyes. "Something wrong?" "No." He shakes his head, a soft smile on his lips as he thumbs at your earlobes. You tilt your head at him, eyes narrowed. "Are you sure?" "Don't drink tonight." He presses a kiss to your forehead, and you nod slowly. "Any special reason?" 

He shrugs, before looping his arm with yours and pulling you towards the front of the restaurant. You can't help but look up at him with a shy smile as he guides you around piles of snow, before seeing the flash of a camera. You blink rapidly, before looking up to see your father holding Rosie on his hip, her hands holding a camera. Chan greets your father warmly, and Rosie shows him the photo. "Can I see, too?" You ask, peering over Chan's shoulder when Rosie tilts it away. "No." Your pout does nothing to sway your baby sister, making Chan snicker at you. The four of you walk into the restaurant, the warm air of the establishment like a blanket fresh out of the dryer. "I still can't believe your parents named both their businesses after you." Chan murmurs as you walk to the reserved room your mother arranges every year, and you snort.

"What can I say, they love me." You shrug, resting your head on his shoulder. Rosie looks over your father's shoulder, a crinkle in her nose as she sees the closeness between the two of you. "Are you sure you're not boyfriend and girlfriend?" "We're sure, babycakes." You laugh softly, moving to pull yourself away from Chan but feeling his fingers interlace with yours before you can. You glance at him, only to see him sticking his tongue out at Rosie, who blows a raspberry at him. A pit of anxiety opens in your stomach as your father opens the door for you both, letting you slip by when you feel Chan's fingers let go of yours, and a murmur of Can I talk to you, sir?

Rosie enters with you, Chan and your father lingering at the door before they take a turn back outside. Your eyes widen as Rosie leads you to the table, your mother sharing the same quizzical look. "Y/N, where's Chan? Did you guys fight?" "No, no. He's…he's with Dad." You reply absently, pulling your coat off as your mother helps Rosie out of hers. The table is set and covered entirely with food, the roast pig being the main attraction in the center of the table. You find your seat, pulling Rosie closer to you to fill the strange pit you feel. Chan and your father don't appear for another ten minutes, but they're both rather stoic as they enter – but you see a soft smile on his face as Chan takes his seat opposite your father.

"Everything okay?" Mrs. Lee asks gently, and Chan nods. "Don't worry, all good." If anyone notices how quiet you are during dinner, they don't say anything. You feel the heat of Chan's gaze more than once, but everyone is too wrapped up in the food and the conversation – to even notice the fact that Rosie fell asleep into her mashed potatoes. You're the one who realizes she's fallen asleep, cooing as you carefully wipe her face and wrap her coat around her as her head lolls onto your arm. You scoot closer, lifting her onto your lap and resting her head on your chest.

"Did she fall asleep?" Your mother asks incredulously, making you snort. "Right into her mashed potatoes. Don't worry, I got it." You wrap your arms around her, leaning back in your chair. "Your dinner, though?" Your mother points at your picked plate, and you shrug. "I'll take it home. No big deal, I'm not exactly hungry. I could fall asleep right now, too." You shake your head, running your fingers through your sister's hair. Your mother nods, beckoning one of her waitstaff to wrap the plate up for you. His name is Hansol, and he carefully takes your plate and disappears with it.

Dinner continues for a few more hours, and you reach over to Chan and tug on his sleeve. He gives you a glance, concern in his eyes before you tap your wrist. He checks his watch, flashing it to you. Midnight. You wince, looking over to your father to see him glancing at his own watch. "Oh, man. It's really late, we should get going." He hisses, and your mother's eyes widen as she sees the time. "Shit, I told them we'd be out by eleven. Alright, up. Let's get going." Your father takes Rosie from your lap, and your mother carefully pulls her coat over the pink cast. You watch tentatively, ready to step in at any moment when you feel Chan's hand on your shoulder. Jumping slightly, you feel the soft fabric of your coat. "Sorry, didn't mean to startle you. Arms, please." You don't look at him as he works around you, until Rosie is on your father's hip and Chan is wrapping your scarf around you. "You're distracted tonight. Everything okay?" Chan's voice is soft as he zips your coat up, his own already settled on his frame. "What did you and my dad talk about?" You blurt, and he raises a brow as he follows the four parents out of the room, who are still chattering about everything and anything. He scans your face, concern weighing heavy on his brows before he smiles. "I didn't ask him to marry you, if that's what you're worried about. That's further down the line." Seeing the way your shoulders settle, Chan loops his arm with yours. "Did you want me to ask him?" You don't respond, letting him lead you out of the restaurant. Your parents are all still talking as your father buckles Rosie into her carseat, her eyes opening slightly as you pass by. You wave at her, only for her eyes to close again. Smiling to yourself, you wait for your parents to acknowledge you and Chan waiting by the front of your father's SUV.

"Going for a drive?" Your mother asks gently, and you nod. "Home soon, don't worry." You hold your pinky out, only for your father to clasp it with his own. "Take your time. Drive safe."

Your eyes search your father for answers, and he only smiles. "See you at home, honey."

Nodding slowly, you and Chan bid your parents goodnight, your mother's eyes lingering as Chan walks you back to the car. You can feel your chest a bit tight as he opens your door, but give him a strained smile as he gets into the driver's seat.

"Alright, what's eating you? Besides me." He jokes lightly, pulling out of the parking lot. You see your parents' car already at the stoplight in the street, the light turning green just as Chan pulls into the street. "Nothing." "You're lying." He plugs his phone into the aux as the light turns red, a click of his tongue as he presses shuffle on yet another random playlist. The soft melody of Scared To Live by The Weekend pours out of your speakers as he takes the oh-so-familiar turn down the same road you've taken this drive on every year. It's scenic, it's always decked with Christmas lights and it leads you right to a random cliff that overlooks the entire city. You sigh as he holds his hand out for yours, interlacing your fingers and leaning back on the headrest. You recline your seat a bit, crossing your legs at the knee. He lets go of your hand and you cover your face with your arms, his fingers sliding up and down your exposed thigh.

"You can always talk to me, you know." He murmurs over the music, this time it's Fantasy by Bazzi. You nod silently, hearing a hum from him as he traces circles into your skin with his thumb. The drive is silent aside from the music, Chan's comfort seeping into your body via his hand and your shoulders losing their tension as he pulls into the deserted cliff. You'd found it years before you went to college, and enjoyed retreating there to get high together behind your parents' backs. You also exchanged one Christmas gift here every year, basking in the privacy and security of each other's warmth on the hood of whoever's car you took that time.

"So? What's going on?" He parks the car, lowering the music as he turns to look at you. You peek at him from beneath your arms, a pout on your lips. "Nothing, really. I'm good."

Chan moves your arms from your face, his fingers coming to poke at your cheeks with every word. 'You are such a bad liar, baby."

You groan, "It's stupid. It's so stupid because you're probably not going to have to deal with until you're in your fucking thirties but I've been dealing with it since I was in high school." Your pout makes Chan thumb at your lip, an understanding look in his eyes. "You mean that same conversation your parents keep having with you about having kids and getting married?" "Yes! Ugh, that's why I was so quiet at dinner. And why I was so pissy on the way here from campus. I do not want to have this fucking conversation again this year, especially when I don't even know what's going to happen when we leave." You fall back into your seat, feeling Chan's hand cup your knee. "I'm so sick of being asked the same shit, I'll get married when I get married and I'll have kids when I have kids. What about my career? No one but you and my dad ask about what I want to do after college. What if I want a master's degree? What if I want a doctorate?" Chan listens intently, his eyes flowing between worried and understanding. "Well, what if? Do you want to do that? What do you want to do after we graduate? Do you want to move back here, do you want to move somewhere else, do you want to pursue something more? Do you want to work full-time?" "What does it matter what I want? You want to get married, Chan." You sigh, and he shakes his head. "It matters because you're your own person, not an extension of me. I don't want to get married if you don't want to, and definitely not if we're not well established. Stable present makes for a stable future, and I want things to be just as easy as they always have been between you and me. You call my name, I come. If time is the issue, I'll wait. I waited my entire life before freshman year, and I've waited three years since then."

You peer up at him, "So you're serious about marrying me? You weren't kidding?" "Respectfully, I don't think you've ever sounded more insane than you do right now." He scoffs, sitting up and pulling you with him. Your lip is jutted out in a slight pout as you thumb the seam of your dress, Chan's fingers grazing your jaw as he makes you look at him. 

"I love you, Y/N. I'd wait an eternity for you, as long as you're happy. I want you to feel fulfilled, and I know that you're not going to if I try to tie you down with bullshit. Yes, I want to get married. Yes, I want to marry you. You've seen me through every stage of my life and as painful as it may have been for you because I've been an absolute douche, you stuck by me. I don't know how else to make you understand that you're important to me, and that includes embracing who you are as an individual. Even if you say no to anything I offer, the house, the ring, the kids, the fucking pursuit of happiness by my side…none of it matters as long as I know that you're happy with yourself." You don't realize you're crying until his thumbs wipe at your cheeks, his fingers tucking your hair behind your ears. "I love you, endlessly. I'll always be here, and I know maybe that's not what you need to hear to be comforted but I need you to know that." You sniffle slightly, "What if my mother pressures me enough that I make a rash decision? What if she manages to get to me just like she always has?" "She won't. Even if she did, I know you in ways she doesn't. I know every side of your heart, I know how kind and forgiving it can be and I know how cold and cruel it can be. I know you're strong and independent and you don't need me to ever speak up on your behalf, but if ever your voice is lost on you, I can. I have, and I will continue to do so. Your honor is mine, even if mine isn't yours."

You rest your forehead on his shoulder, wanting the conversation to end. "I forgot your gift at the house. I'm sorry." 

"That's alright. I still have yours, if you want to go sit while I get the blanket." He presses a kiss to the shell of your ear, allowing you to change the subject. "I feel bad, though." "Go sit for me." He nips at your ear, making you jolt as you shove him. He smirks as you scoff, wiping at your face carefully as you open the door and step out. You shudder as the cold hits your feet, but you hoist yourself onto the hood of your car as Chan pulls the thick blanket you brought from your apartment out of your trunk. The metal is still warm before you feel him kill the engine, the motor dying under you as he shuts the door, shoving your keys into his pocket. He drapes the blanket over your face as you feel him grab your ankle. Jolting, you push the blanket off, seeing a pair of socks clenched between his teeth as he undoes the strap of your shoe.

"Where the fuck did you find those?" You let him slide the black sock over your foot, and he shrugs. "Your cheer bag is still in the trunk. I know these are new, though, because I put them in there before we left for practice last week." He shrugs, slipping off the other shoe and putting the sock on, covering you with the blanket once more as he rounds the car to throw the shoes into the backseat. You stare at the clear sky as he slides onto the hood next to you, a soft sigh from his lips as you drape the blanket over his leg.

"I didn't ask your dad to marry you, I promise. I just talked to him about how I felt and what he thinks I should do." You hear him say softly, and you turn to see him looking at you already. Your brow raises, and he holds up a white box. It's from the jewelry store you found Rosie and Mrs. Lee in when you went to the mall, the silver logo stamped on the top. "He said I should be honest and tell you what I want, and listen to what you have to say. So, uhm…this is more for you and I than anyone else, but I…I understand if you don't want it." He pops it open, a slim gold band slotted into the cushion with a thicker one, presumably for him. The rings are studded with stones, emeralds and sapphires with smaller white diamonds scattered about. You look at him, a certain softness to your gaze that has only ever been present for him.

"A promise ring?" He shifts under your gaze, cheeks tinging pink as he sits up, sliding off the hood of the car. He paces slightly, "I know it's so…ugh, it's so high school. And we're not even together, and I'm willing to wait–" "I'm not." You interrupt, "I'm tired of waiting, Chan."

His eyes are wide as you shrug, holding your hand out for the box. "Can I see?" He hands it to you, your fingers pinching the delicate band and holding it up to your eyes. "Is this what you bought when you were fighting your mom at the register?" "It's also why your class ring went missing last month, but that's neither here nor there." He admits sheepishly, making you gape. "You took it! You little rat, I knew you had something to do with it."

"I needed it for the sizing! And I got it back! Do you…do you like it?" He asks shyly, resting his hands on either side of your legs as he leans closer to you. You nod, "I love it, it's beautiful. Good eye, I guess." "Can't you just give me a compliment without making it sound so forced?" He rolls his eyes as you replace the ring, holding the box in your hand. You shake your head, "I'll have a lifetime to do that. Do I get to put yours on for you?" "You're taking it? You're saying yes, I mean?" His eyes are wide as he scans your face, and you scoff. "Obviously? We still have a lot of growing to do, but I don't take the steps to make a decision unless I know it's the right thing to do. You know that." "Including breaking up with me on my birthday?" "Including saying yes when you ask me to be your girlfriend in about two minutes. I should make you wait, but I'm impatient." He rolls his eyes, leaning slightly closer. You smile as you nuzzle your nose against his, feeling your cheeks heat as he brushes his lips to yours. "I love you." "You're right, I do deflect a lot." He laughs, peppering kisses around your face as you scrunch your nose. "Be my girlfriend, please. I'd be nothing of a man without you." "I mean, I guess if you want me that bad–" "Respond properly or I'm taking your socks off." "Yes, I'll be your girlfriend." You roll your eyes, pressing a kiss to his lips. He kisses you back softly, his hands moving to hold your face carefully. "You know the ring means you'll also say yes to being my fiancée and then my wife, right?" He speaks against your lips, kissing you between words. "Mhm." You hum in response, before taking the thicker ring out of the box in your hand. "Let me put this on you. You can't take it off, like, ever."

"Wait, you first." He pulls away, taking the ring out of the box and sliding it into his coat pocket. He takes your hand in his carefully, "I think I'm gonna cry." "That's okay. I've seen you cry before. I've seen you throw up and I still think you're a pretty okay guy." You joke to ease him, noting the way his fingers tremble slightly as they slide the ring down your finger. It fits snugly, and he runs his thumb over it a few times before looking up at you. "Are you sure?" "Are you?" You hold up his ring, and he nods slowly. "If I'm not sure of anything else in this life, I have the comfort of knowing I'll always be sure of you." "When did you become so profound?" You tease, slipping the ring down his finger. He scoffs, "What part of you deflect and I don't did you forget? I've always been this way! You've just gotten good at ignoring me because you don't like to admit my compliments make you feel some type of way." "You just make me nervous." You confess quietly, tugging on the lapel of his coat. "You think you don't make me nervous? I can't talk to you sometimes without getting my tongue twisted."

"Your tongue does better things than talk, Chan." "I thought we were having a wholesome moment here." He flicks your forehead, your hand moving up to swat his hand away. He grabs it midair, pressing a kiss to your fingertips. "Are we still keeping this under wraps?" Your eyes widen, "Shit, are we?" "I mean…my mom knows I got these." He winces, and you click your tongue. "Your mom also told me you're a crybaby who called her and said I broke your heart."

"I may be a crybaby but at least I can tell someone when I love them." He scoffs, making you furrow your brows. "You wanna play that game? Because I have so much shit from Soonyoung and Mingyu, too." "Tell me you love me!" He whines, and you roll your eyes. "I'm your girlfriend, not your puppet. I'll tell you when I'm good and damn ready." "Great, I'm ending the year with a girlfriend that hates me." He sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose before sucking his teeth. "I did this to myself." "If you get me out of the cold within the next twenty seconds, I'll let you go down on me when we get home." You offer, before a shriek rips through you as he throws you over his shoulder. 

"As you wish, girlfriend."

DECEMBER 31, 9:42PM.

Chan in fact, did go down on you when you got home. Twice on your bed without even taking your dress off, and once in the shower. Your legs could barely hold you up, but that doesn't really matter when your boyfriend forgets his own strength while pinning you against the bath tile.

Christmas Day was rather uneventful aside from unwrapping gifts, with Rosie screaming excitedly about the extensive sets of Legos and Barbie dolls you and Chan got for her. Your parents gifted you and Chan a vacation to Bali, set for after your graduation, as well as a new pair of earrings. The Lees gave you a rush of nostalgia as they gave you yet another locket, this one with a picture of you and Chan as babies.

Chan watched the exchanges quietly, and the night concluded with you and him falling asleep watching a movie in your bed. His parents never did make him move to his bedroom after Mingyu and Soonyoung left, and your parents didn't mind him staying so long as you were fine with it. You still didn't fuck him, but he was perfectly content with waiting – so long as you didn't mind his tongue between your thighs in the middle of the night or at the crack of dawn. You spent the next few days simply existing within your families. You got your nails done with Mrs. Lee, and took Rosie along with you. Rosie got her cast off and cried when the physician cut through your signature, tears only stopped by a scoop of chocolate almond ice cream on a waffle cone. You spent a bit of time with your mother at the restaurant, tasting a few of her new recipes and coming home to sleep in Chan's arms with a stomach ache from all the food. Per usual, Chan continued his whispered sweet nothings and you shied away from him often, only for him to pull you back into his embrace and kiss you until you couldn't breathe, followed by murmurs of I love you. 

The days were quiet, and your families were slowly growing used to having you and Chan around – something that always backfired on them, because the two of you usually left a day or two after ringing in the New Year together. It helped you beat the traffic back, and it helped you decompress from spending so much time with Chan.

Not that you'd need to do that this time…because, well. You know.

"Do I look okay?" You ask your mother for the billionth time, smoothing your hands over the front of your dress. She rolls her eyes as she sprays a bit of perfume in the middle of your back, making you flinch at the sensation. "You look lovely, darling. Please, get a grip! This is just the same people we've rung the New Year in with every year. Nothing new, nothing to be nervous about."

Your mother sprays perfume on her wrists, before dabbing them on her neck. "Go downstairs, check on Rosie. I'm going to be so upset if your father let her have anything that could stain that dress, it was too expensive to ruin." You sigh shakily, looking at yourself in the full-length mirror your mother had in her bedroom. Your dress was black and glittery, ending at your mid-thigh with an open back that left little to the imagination as it stopped just at the dip of your spine. It had straps that sat off your shoulders with a low-cut neckline, and you only wore a necklace that Chan had bought to play off the rings he'd gotten you. It sat nicely at the base of your throat, the only gift he gave you in front of your parents.

"Y/N!" Rosie called from the bottom of the stairs as you reached the first one, and you smiled down at her as you made your way down. "Babycakes! You look so pretty in your dress!"

"Thank you!" She beams up at you, holding a pink lollipop in her hand. Your father is sitting on the couch, eyes closed as you walk up behind him. "Catching up on sleep, old man?" "You know it. I love having you kids here, but I'm exhausted from all the socializing. I only have so many things to say." He sighs, and you snort. "Don't worry, just a few more days. Chan and I are leaving on the third, I think."

It's not long before your mother comes downstairs, her dress a sparkly burgundy this year. Her lipstick matches it, and your father presses a kiss to her temple as he helps her tug her coat on. Rosie is settled on your hip, her head resting on your shoulder as the four of you walk over to the Lees, and you already regret the thin coat you chose to layer over your dress. You shiver as you walk up the steps to the porch, Rosie fighting sleep as you bounce her around.

"Don't sleep, Rosie! It's just a little party!" You wiggle her around, her giggle tired as your mother knocks on the front door. Chan appears as he throws it open, ushering everyone inside. His eyes meet yours, widening at the necklace sitting on your skin. You feel your cheeks heat as you walk past him, setting Rosie down and tugging her coat off as he closes the door. You lower to her height, "Don't fall asleep, okay? You feel sleepy, come find me." You tap her cheeks, and she nods as she trails off to find your mother, who is greeting Mrs. Lee with the bottle of wine you brought over. Chan helps you stand upright, a soft smile on his face as he pulls you into a hug. "I haven't seen you since this morning. I missed you, gorgeous." He mumbles into your ear, and you roll your eyes as you weasel out of his embrace. "You always miss me. I'm literally across the lawn." You tug your scarf off, and he takes it, his hand awaiting for your coat. "What did your dad make this year?" You nod in the direction of the kitchen, the rich smell of lemongrass and garlic filling the house. He opens his mouth to respond, only for his words to get caught in his throat as you slide your coat off, his eyes landing on the expanse of your back. It's speckled with glitter, courtesy of your mother, and you swing your hair behind you as you hand him your coat.

"What? Are you okay?" Your voice is concerned as you glance at him, your hands moving to smooth the front of your dress. He blinks, before his mother's voice cuts through the air. "Y/N! Oh my, let me see your dress! Give me a spin!" She sets her wine glass down on the table, and you give her a warm hug before she spins you around. "You look stunning! Come, we have to take your picture." You give Chan a glance over your shoulder, his ears red as he snaps out of his daze, hanging your coat on the door as Mrs. Lee pulls you into the living room with your parents. She poses you all in front of her Christmas tree, before it's just you and Rosie. Rosie yawns as Mrs. Lee takes the photo, and you tell her it's best to just let the kid take a nap. "You can put her down in the guest bedroom, but can I get a picture with you and Channie first?" She nods, and you open your mouth to protest but she calls him over before you can say anything. He looks a bit bewildered as he walks over, clearing his throat as he stands next to you. You feel an awkward air floating off of him as he makes no move to touch you, and Mrs. Lee huffs. You quickly wrap his arm around your waist like you did on Christmas Eve, expecting his hand to fall in the same low spot on your hip – but you feel it ghosting over your back as you resume the same position. You don't say anything, just smiling as Mrs. Lee snaps your photo. She thanks you, turning away with the permission to drop Rosie in the guest bedroom.

"Wanna tell me what your problem is?" You mutter to Chan, who sucks his teeth. "Wanna tell me why you wore this dress?" "Oh, so I'm the problem? Good to know." You grit, before you pick Rosie up off the couch, hoisting her over your shoulder as you make your way to the guest bedroom. Chan follows closely behind you without you realizing, and is leaning in the door frame as you tuck Rosie into the bed, carefully covering her with the blanket so as to not be blamed for creases in her dress. You kiss her forehead, walking out of the bedroom only to bump into Chan, who grabs your arm and pulls you into his bedroom with a quick tug. "Bro." You're frustrated, pinching the bridge of your nose as you pull your arm out of his grasp, only for him to pull you into him by your waist. "Don't call me bro, I literally made you cum on my tongue this morning." He scoffs, his grip is bruising against your skin. "Who's the insatiable one now? Over a dress? Really?" You roll your eyes, but it seems your boyfriend has no time for your goading as he pushes you against his door, lips pressed against yours in a searing kiss. You melt into him, your arms wrapping around his neck as he slides his hands down your back. He pulls away with a nip to your lip, leaving you to pout as you chase after him. "Not just a dress, you in this fucking dress. What were you thinking?" "Wanted you to see me in it." You confess quietly, your eyes glued to his lips, now slightly stained with your red lipstick. He sighs, "Don't act cute. I can't be mad when you do that." "Don't be mad at me. Don't you think I look pretty?" Your eyes feign innocence, blinking up at him as he groans in lust-fueled frustration. "Not mad at you, baby. Never mad at you." He rests his forehead against yours, "I want you so fucking bad, it's pathetic." "Have me." You murmur, nosing at him as he shakes his head. "I can't, not right now. Certainly not in my parents' house." "Oh, but when it's my parents' house, it's fine??" You snort, making him laugh softly, brushing a kiss against your lips. "For old time's sake, I'll say yes. Keeping up with traditions and whatnot."

"They're gonna wonder where we are." You sigh, before feeling his hands travel further south. You swat them away, "If you're not gonna fuck me, you can't feel me up and leave me all needy. It's not fair." "I like it when you're needy." He kisses your jaw, and you scowl, pinching his nipple through his shirt. Of course, the rat bastard only leans into your touch, eliciting soft whine from his throat. "You're such a fucking freak!"

"You're literally the reason I'm this way. You're the blueprint." He rolls his eyes, before he turns you over, pushing your chest against the door as he presses his hips into you. Your eyes flutter shut, a soft sigh falling from your lips as he grinds against you. His fingers toy with the hem of your dress, shoving it up slightly when you hear a gasp from his lips.

"Oh, you've gotta be fucking kidding me." 

He moves away entirely, and you feel him sink to his knees behind you. He pushes your dress up, the fabric bunching around your hips to expose your bare ass. You'd forgone underwear in hopes of things going this direction tonight, but certainly not this early in the night. But by all means, you're willing to let bygones be bygones as long as Chan keeps touching you.

You can almost hear his internal battle as he pushes you forward a bit, spreading your thighs with his hands. "You're gonna kill me one day, aren't you? In cold blood. I'll be dead because you can't behave." He's fighting himself as you glance over your shoulder, a look feigning disinterest on your face as you shrug. "Take it or leave it."

He chooses to leave it, but not before sinking his teeth into your thigh, pinning your arm to your back when you reach to swat at him. "Chan!" "Shut up, they'll hear you." He rolls his eyes as he stands, using his free hand to massage the bitten area. "You can wait, right? It's only two hours." "I don't want to." You pout, pushing back against him. He lands a quick slap to the meat of your ass, your cheeks flushed as he whispers in your ear. "You're gonna have to, baby. Be a good girl for me, yeah?"

You huff, squirming against him when you feel his hand slip between your thighs. His fingertips drag slowly through your wet folds, just barely breaching your entrance when he pulls them away. "Open your mouth."

You turn to see him licking his fingers clean, your heart beating wildly in your chest as he repeats himself. "Open. Don't make me do it for you."

"Kiss me first." He does as you ask, tugging the fabric of your dress back down as he snakes his tongue into your mouth. Your hands fist at the lapels of his suit jacket, whining into his mouth before he pulls away. Your lips jut out in a pout, a soft chuckle from Chan before he tucks a strand of hair behind your ear. "Open up." You do as you're told, sticking your tongue out for him to spit onto. Your eyes flutter shut the moment you feel it, his hand on your jaw pulling you forward to kiss him. Your legs feel like jelly at his touch, feeling him mumble those three little words against your lips.

"I love you. Don't act up and I won't, either." He holds his pinky out, and you reluctantly link yours with it. He wipes the corners of your lips, "Go. I have to…calm down."

"Tell me you love me again." You look up at him, making him roll his eyes as he bites back a smile. "If I tell you again, will you get out?" "Maybe." You smile back, making him physically turn you, his hands on your shoulders as you turn the doorknob to his room. "I love you, baby. Now, go." You slink out of his bedroom, shutting the door behind you as you slip into the bathroom. Your skin feels hot as you look in the mirror, your lipstick only slightly smudged – a blessing, truly. You pat your fingers over your swollen lips, before checking the hem of your dress. You tug it lower, making sure it covers everything before ruffling your hair and taking a deep breath.

Two hours. Easy.

Not easy.

It's been an hour and forty-five minutes, and you can feel your patience wearing thin as Chan acts like nothing happened.

He's standing across the room, talking to your mother with a soft smile on his face – just like he has been for the last thirty minutes. His wine is the same color as her dress, listening to her drone on and on about the benefits of turmeric in cooking as well as body products. Your cheek is resting on the heel of your palm, your other hand holding your second flute of champagne as you stare at your boyfriend without a care in the world – when you see a little head start floating your way, a frumpled blue dress catching your eye.

"Y/N?" She calls tiredly, rubbing her eyes as she looks around for you. "Babycakes! I'm over here, come sit with me!" You pat your lap, setting your champagne on the table as she makes her way over to you. She climbs into your lap and you smooth her hair down as she rests her head on your shoulder.

"How was your nap? Any good dreams?" You ask, twirling a piece of her hair in your fingers. She shakes her head, "No dreams. Just sleep." She shrugs, yawning as she buries her face into your neck. You wrap your arms around her, rocking back and forth and humming quietly.

It's not even five minutes when she falls limp with sleep in your arms, and you rest your cheek atop her head as Mrs. Lee makes way to you, her silver dress stunning as she extends her hands. "Do me a favor, honey. Go steal Chan from your mother, we're going to start the countdown soon and I'm sure you want to spend a few moments with him.” Her eyes twinkle like she knows something, taking Rosie from your lap. You nod sheepishly, standing up and tugging your dress down slightly. You grab your flute of champagne, smiling inwardly as you make your way across the living room to Chan's side. You squeeze your mother's shoulder lightly to get her attention, her voice stopping in the middle of a rosemary and thyme soap recipe she's reciting. "Yes, darling?" "Rosie's up. Might wanna check on her, I can't gauge if she'll sleep tonight." You wince, and your mother nods, putting her wine glass down on the coffee table. She walks away, your father joining her in the kitchen when you feel Chan's hand on your lower back. "Hey." He pulls you into his side, his thumb rubbing circles into your skin. You try not to lean into the touch, a soft smile on your lips. "Hey. Tired?" "Exhausted, actually. I do not want to be here right now." He sighs, and you open your mouth to reply when you see Mr. Lee turn the television on to the New Year's Eve countdown from the Lotte World Tower. You smile to yourself as Chan shuffles you both behind the couch, his hand keeping skin-on-skin contact the entire time. You miss the glance your father gives you as you lean your head on Chan's shoulder, the way Chan's fingers run up and down your side.

You miss the way your mother joins him in looking at the two of you, the way Chan's looks at you adoringly. The way your arm wraps around his waist, and your fingers trace circles into his side, the glint of the ring he gave you mocking her in the light. Your mother gives your father a look, one that screams is that what I think it is? Your father only shrugs, draping his own arm around her shoulders and making her face the television. The reporter is excitedly moving around the prepared stage, talking a mile a minute about all the musical achievements by artists in a rapid fire attempt to fill the last two minutes to the countdown. Mrs. Lee slots her fingers with her husband, and you find yourself finding Rosie's sleepy eyes on your father's shoulder. She smiles, giving you a thumbs up and you scrunch your nose at her, giving one back. She points at Chan, and you tap him to get his attention for her. He looks up, meeting her eyes and receiving the same reaction. He gives her one back, and she closes her eyes, turning the other way.

"She's adorable." He murmurs as you look up at him, "She is." The reporter smiles widely as the large number 10 splays on the television. Your parents break into chatter, Chan's parents drifting over to yours slowly. You tug at Chan's sleeve, earning a hum as he looks at you once more.

"Do you ever think about what our kids will look like?" You whisper, and he nods. "Sometimes." 9…

"Do you have names?" "A few."

8…

"Do you think about our wedding?" "All the time. I'm going to cry like a fucking baby." 7…

"How do you feel about a summer wedding?" "Whatever you want, baby. I'd get married in the woods if you wanted." 6…

"Like in Breaking Dawn?" "That wedding was beautiful. I cried, remember?" 5…

"I do. You cry a lot, you know?" "Emotional vulnerability is sexy, is it not?"

4…

"You think so?" "I know so." 3…

"Hey, Chan?" "Yes, Y/N?" 2…

"Are you gonna kiss me?" "Yeah, babe. I'm gonna kiss you." 1…

"I love you." You mumble, pressing your lips to his as the reporter boasts a Happy New Year from Lotte World Tower!

His hand is low on your back as he kisses you deeply, your own holding his cheek as your parents cheer and congratulate each other. You hear a soft voice above it all, "Channie and Y/N are kissing."

You pull back from Chan to see your parents gaping at you, and Rosie smiling before she lays her cheek back on your father's shoulder. "I told you they were boyfriend and girlfriend. You owe me fifty bucks, Mommy."

You gawk at her, Chan coughing awkwardly as your mother covers her face. "You bet on us?" "I assume the two of you managed to talk things out." Your father's voice is level, a warm smile on his face as Chan clears his throat. "Yes, sir." "And everything is okay…now?" Mr. Lee chimes in, your face growing warm as you nod, "Yes, sir." "And you're…together? Officially?" Mrs. Lee asks calmly, a grin fighting its way onto her lips as you and Chan flush embarrassedly. "Yes." You say in unison, and Mrs. Lee smiles from ear to ear, holding her hand out to your mother.

"You owe me a hundred bucks." "Wanna take a drive? I don't want to see money exchange hands." Chan scoffs, and the parents start arguing within themselves – mostly your mother defending herself and your father rolling his eyes as he fishes his wallet out, eager to pay your mother's debts.

"We're outta here." You announce, grabbing your coat off the rack. Your father gives you a nod, "We'll be here a while, it seems. Be safe, honey."

You nod, placing a kiss on Rosie's head before you leave. "Thanks, babycakes." "You're welcome, sissy." She smiles tiredly, closing her eyes as you ruffle her hair. You slip out, Chan closing the door behind you as you tug your coat on. "We're not actually going on a drive, you know that, right?" His gaze is pointed, and you roll your eyes as you pull him off his porch, the cold winter air nothing in comparison to the heat on your skin as you fumble for your keys. He keeps his hands off you as you both make your way to your house, your fingers trembling in excitement as you stick the key in the lock and turn it. You push the door open carefully, and he slides in behind you, shutting it with his foot and locking it behind him.

You peel your coat off, handing it to him to hang on the rack by the door. He's oddly quiet as he does the same, before silently taking your hand and leading you to your bedroom. He lets you walk in first, locking the door behind him as you step out of your heels.

You feel his hands on your bare waist, pulling your back to him as he presses a soft kiss to your shoulder. You close your eyes, feeling his lips trail up your shoulder, before his teeth tug on the necklace he gave you. "Can we keep this on?" "Yeah."

He hums softly, pressing a kiss behind your ear. His hands move to your arms, "Can we take this off? Is that okay?" You nod silently, letting him slip the straps of your dress down your arms, the fabric pooling around your hips as he sighs, keeping his hands on your sides as he trails open-mouthed kisses down your spine, breathing you in like you're the only oxygen he knows. His teeth tug at the hem of your dress, pulling it over the swell of your ass with ease. The flimsy fabric falls to your feet, his teeth nipping at your hip before you feel him stand, his hands on your waist turning you around.

"I love you." He presses his forehead to yours, eyes closed as yours open. You look at him in the moonlight, every eyelash, every tired line, everything that is the Lee Chan you love illuminated before you. Your hands move to his shirt, "Is this where I say it, too?" Your comment makes him smile inwardly, "If you'd like. I heard you, when you kissed me. You don't have to, I know you do." You feel so vulnerable under him like this, but you know him. You know he's just as vulnerable as you are, your fingers fumbling with the buttons of his shirt and untucking it from his belt. Your voice feels lost, but you clear your throat as you push his shirt down over his shoulders, revealing toned arms and the same muscular chest you loved to lay your head upon on sleepless nights.

"I love you, endlessly." You say softly, your eyes flickering up to meet his gaze. He nods silently, pressing a kiss to your forehead as your hands move to his belt, carefully tugging the leather strap from the silver buckle. You pull it through the loops, letting it fall to the ground as Chan's hands come to your face, his thumbs stroking your cheeks gently as your hands unbutton his slacks, carefully tugging the zipper down as you brush a kiss to his jaw. 

He stops you from pushing his pants down, his lips finding yours with a gentle insanity one can only describe as love. He swipes your hair back over your shoulders as he lets your hands rest on his waist, his lips pouring every single word into your mouth with a passion you'd only ever felt with him. This is the kiss you missed for three years, the soft grip of his hand in your hair as he guides his tongue against yours fluidly. This is the man you longed for unknowingly for your entire life, so loving and soft and sensual as he sucks on your tongue with a quiet moan. 

This is the love you'd patiently waited to return to you, the way you felt the cool metal of his matching ring against the warm skin of your thigh as he picked you up effortlessly, your legs wrapping around his waist as your arms draped over his shoulders. This is the love you'd wantonly waited for, the way he eased you onto your bed, not letting you untangle yourself from him as he continued to kiss you so agonizingly slow, you could feel your arousal slightly soak into the waistband of his slacks. 

This is the love you'd yearned for, where he remembers every single one of your buttons. How he doesn't stop kissing you because he knows you love the feeling of his lips against yours, the way his hand only slides from your thigh to your dripping core because he knows you hate when he's not touching you constantly. How he steadies himself above you by pinning one hand above your head, interlacing your fingers as his other hand spreads your thighs for him.

"I love you." He whispers against your lips, not giving you a chance to respond as he carefully glides two of his fingers through your slick folds, earning a shiver as he traces your clit slowly. You mewl in his ear, his skin prickling with goosebumps at how wet you are for him. He presses a kiss to your jaw, "My gorgeous girl. So perfect for me." You bite back a whimper as his hand lands a rather wet slap to your clit, your body jolting into his as he chuckles. "Still like that?" He does it again, your thighs flinching around his hips as a broken moan leaves you.

He kisses your lips, swallowing any sounds you could've let out as he stops teasing you, his fingers carefully curling into your entrance. You shudder against him, a high-pitched whine from you making him laugh against your mouth. "Feel good, baby?" His thumb circles your clit as his fingers scissor you open, the pads of his digits brushing that spongy spot inside you that makes your breathing shaky. Your walls are impossibly tight around his fingers and it makes him dizzy, feeling you clench around his hand every time he reaches that spot he knows can make you cum within minutes. "Faster, please…" You run your hand through his hair, pulling him back down to your lips. He kisses you messily, bullying his fingers into you faster and feeling you pant yes, just like that softly against his lips. "Just like that? Like it fast, baby?" He mocks you, loving the way you nod dumbly. "Love it, love you, Channie.." Your eyes are teary as he brings you to the edge, his stomach fluttering at your soft whines. You made him feel like he was on fire, overstimulating his every sense with your whimpered begging for more as he nipped at your chest, his tongue swirling around your nipple as he mimics you, "Yeah, love me? How much, princess?"

"So m-much, think about you all day. Want you all the time, f-fuck…" Your thighs tighten around his hips, "Want me all the time? You're so cute. So needy for me, huh?"

You can only nod, tears collecting at the corners of your eyes as your nails dig into his shoulder, a tell-tale sign you're going to cum if he keeps going. He pulls a guttural moan from you, his favorite of them all as you coat his hand and wrist with your orgasm. "That's it, baby. Let go for me." He works you through it, your thighs trembling just like the first night the two of you slept together, your moans becoming nothing but soft whines against his lips.

"S'too much, too much.." You push his hand away with a whimper, your eyes barely open as you watch him lick his fingers clean like he did earlier. You shift under him, blinking your eyes as wide as you can, watching the way his tongue slid between his fingers. "See something you like?" He purrs against your lips, his wet fingers flicking your lower lip as you nod your head.

"You." Your voice is soft, and you see his eyes soften slightly as he smiles shyly. You wrap your legs around him, running a hand through his hair again, tugging slightly. "Want you." "You have me, baby." He kisses you chastely, relishing in the way you chase after his lips, huffing. "Kiss me like you mean it." You pull him closer, nipping at his lower lip with your teeth as he connects your mouths. The kiss is wet and messy, and you can feel him rolling his hips into you, the tip of his clothed cock rutting against your clit deliciously. But, you want it off.

"Take your pants off. Wanna feel you." You bite at his lips, and he moans, rutting against you like he can't stop. You whimper, your hips moving in tandem with his as you reach down and snap his waistband against his skin. "Fuck." Chan breathes against your jaw, shoving his pants and underwear down with one hand before he lets go of your hand, pulling them off fully with a hiss. He moves back up to kiss you, your nails digging into his back as you hold him close, your legs tight around his hips as he grinds his heavy cock against your wet heat. You're messy but that's how he likes it – your thighs twitch with overstimulation as he ruts his cock against you, leaning up to watch the way he leaks beads of precum onto your skin. "So fucking pretty." His thumb finds your clit, smirking at the way your thighs close slightly.

"So wet, too. Messy, messy girl." He grunts in your ear, "Can I put it in? Can you take it?"

"Please." You breathe out, making him meet your eyes. "Please what, baby?"

You scoff at his teasing smile, but you don't miss the adoration in his eyes as he plants a kiss to your lips. "Use your words."

You don't respond as you pout slightly, his lips brushing against yours. Your eyes are shy as he tries to find your gaze, a hiss from behind his teeth as your fingers reach between you to wrap around his shaft, his hands fisting the sheets around your head as you align him with your entrance.

"Please? Want you." Your eyes are wide and watery, too much for him to handle. 

He caves, moving your hand out of the way to sink into you –  his tip barely breaching your walls when you hear a whimper from Chan, his eyes glued to your glistening folds. Your head falls back with a groan as he slides in deeper, a whispered chant of fuck, fuck, fuck from his lips as you clench around him. You whine, digging your nails into his bicep as you push his hips down the rest of the way with your legs, hearing him groan at the way you swallow him perfectly.

"D-Don't, don't move. Just…wait." Your eyes are screwed shut, Chan's running all over your body. A singular bead of sweat runs down your neck, his fingers instinctively reaching to wipe it. You lean into his touch, your eyes still closed as you take his hand in yours, kissing his fingertips. "I love you." "I love you too, baby." He murmurs, and you shake your head as you lean your forehead to his, holding his hand to your chest. Your heart is beating a mile a minute, "This is how I feel every time I see you. There has never been a minute of my life that I haven't been so pathetically in love with you." He doesn't respond, his eyes glazed with unshed tears as yours open. You blink at him silently, your arms moving to wrap around his neck as you press a kiss to his nose, then his cheeks. "Obsessed with you." You mumble against his skin, feeling his hands wrap around your thighs with a shaky breath. "Missed you, my baby." Your admission is followed by a kiss to his lips, Chan's eyes fluttering shut as you drag your lips down his jaw. "I missed you, my love." He whispers in your ear, the pet name one he only used during your relationship. His teeth graze on your earlobe, before he plants a kiss on your neck as you run your fingers through his hair, pulling him to your lips. You slot your lips with his carefully, swallowing a whimper as you feel his hands push your thighs apart more. 

"Ready? Want me to go slow?" His voice is shaky, making you run a hand through his hair. "Whatever you want, baby."

He nods, giving an experimental roll of his hips – his chest swelling with pride as your eyes roll back with a soft groan. You let him set the pace, the delicious drag of his cock making your hands fist the sheets as your head falls back against the mattress. His fingers are bruising around your thighs, his eyes glued to your face, biting back his moans as you whine pathetically.

"Feel good?" He murmurs as he thrusts into you a little harder, before letting go of your thighs and pinning your hand above your head, interlacing your fingers. Your eyes are closed and you can barely feel your head nodding as your limbs buzz with lust, a moan meeting his neck as you mouth at it. "Need words, baby." He leans to nip at your lips, feeling your other hand tug at his hair. "Feels s'good, daddy, fuck.." Your voice is no higher than a whisper, and Chan swears his brain short-circuits as he buries his face in your neck. He feels dizzy as he breathes in your perfume, hearing you whimper as he bullies his cock into you faster. 

“So. Fucking. Wet.” He groans, his teeth biting at any surface of your skin as he grips your hips bruisingly. "Missed you so much, baby. W-Wanna fill you up, shit. Make you mine f-forever." His ramblings are only slightly incoherent, your cheeks warming as if you're not both naked right now, the only thing remaining is your jewelry – all of which he's given you.

"Y-Yeah? Want it, want you to fill me up..." You rasp, tightening your legs around his waist as he whimpers loudly. Your fingers rake through his hair, pulling his head away from your neck and meeting his eyes. They're full of a certain craze you've only ever seen during your relationship, a dark look of lust that swirls from the depths of the brown in his irises that makes you shiver as you press your lips to his. It's messy and rough, his hand circling the base of your neck to steady himself. Your own wrap around his wrist, sliding your tongue into his mouth with practised ease. 

He sucks on your tongue messily, whining as you clamp down around him. You feel his hand loosen around your neck, sliding up to cup your face softly, your own moving to his back. Your nails dig into his shoulder as he thrusts into you, the tip of his cock brushing you just right that you moan into his mouth.

"Right there? There?" He pulls back, pistoning his hips into you as you nod frantically, your eyes filling with tears as your nails drag down his back. He tries not to close his eyes at the sensation, loving the way you bite down on your lip when his thumb pulls it out from under your teeth. "Wanna hear you, baby. Wanna know who's making you feel good." 

You can hardly speak through your whines, his vision going blurry as your nails dig into his hips. His lips find the shell of your ear, "Come on, baby. Tell daddy who's making you this wet." Your cheeks heat as you whimper into his skin, your lower lip dragging against his sweatslick cheek. You tug at the small silver hoop in his ear, "Y-You are. Always m-make me feel s'good, daddy. W-Wanna cum for you..." You trail off as his teeth nip at your neck, your voice reduced to breathy whines as he bites down on your chest. His tongue quickly licks over the indents of his teeth, as his hands move to your thighs, pushing them apart as he towers over you. Your eyes open only enough to see the wad of spit drip from his lips, your hips jolting as it slides down your clit. 

"Don't need it. Just like seeing you squirm, baby." He murmurs, pushing your knees to your chest as he continues to fuck into you. Your eyes fall on the ruddy blush on his cheeks, his own glued to the way your cunt swallows him perfectly. His fingers tighten around your legs, his lip tucked under his teeth as he screws his eyes shut, but you can't stop looking at him. The slope of his neck, littered with nips from your teeth that'll disappear by morning. His broad shoulders, slick with sweat and covered in deep, red marks from your nails. His chest, littered with faded love bites from the past few mornings waking up by his side. His forearms, flexing with every push of his hips, similar to the way they do when he holds you up against the shower wall. The sheen of your arousal on his fingers, the gold ring on his left hand that matches yours covered in a mix of spit and your cum. It's overwhelming, the way your insides feel fuzzy and the way your vision zeroes in on his ring, the glint in the moonlight mocking you.

"I can't wait to marry you." You mumble, covering your face with your arms as Chan jerks to a stop. You can still see him through a crevice in your arms, and you watch the way he swallows carefully. "W-What?" "I said, I can't wait to marry you." You repeat slightly louder, your eyes widening as you feel him twitch inside you. He scoffs quietly, "Babe, you can't say that." His eyes close, and you hear him take a deep breath as you sit up on your elbows.

"Why? I want to marry you." You huff, your mouth opening to say more when a sudden thrust from Chan's hips knocks the wind out of you. His whimper fills the room as he spreads your thighs out of habit, "I w-won't last if you say t-that." 

You can barely speak with the way he's drilling his cock into you, his thumb working tight circles into your clit as your head falls back against the sheets with pleasure. You manage to string your words together, your stomach filling with that familiar heat as you speak, "W-We have the rest of o-our lives, b-baby…" He whines loudly as his hips are flush to yours, shuddering slightly as he fills you with his release. He has a pout on his lips as he overstimulates himself through his orgasm, leaning into your soft whines, brushing his lips against yours. "I love you." He whispers as you clench around him, the band in your lower belly snapping as you whine pitifully as his hand slides in yours.

The air around you settles, Chan reaching to brush your hair out of your eyes and pressing a kiss to your forehead. "I love you, baby." You nod loosely, a mumble of I love you tumbling against his clavicle. You feel him pull out slowly, a hiss from the both of you filling the silence. Wincing lightly, you go to sit up but his hand on your chest stops you. "Lie down." You don't question him as he slides one of your pillows under your head – but your brows are furrowed as he kisses down your body, sinking to his knees as he reaches the edge of your bed. You sit up slightly, "Chan, are you–" He doesn't reply, looking you in the eyes as he flattens his tongue against your sloppy cunt. Your eyes widen as he looks away, his arms wrapping around your thighs carefully. You're far too sensitive for this, but you can't seem to look away as he sucks your clit between his pouty lips. "You're fucking f-filthy, Lee Chan." "Open your mouth." He shrugs as he speaks into your skin, and you scoff out a laugh. He raises a brow as he looks up at you, making your cheeks flush. You sit up on your elbows, his arms pulling you closer to his face before fucking the wet muscle of his tongue into your spent hole. Your gasp is almost unnoticeable, your eyes starry as you watch him collect the mix of your releases in his mouth.

Your thighs tremble in his hands, your mind fuzzy with overstimulation as you whine softly. He pulls away, rising off his knees and sliding his thigh between yours as his hand finds your cheek. You instinctively open your mouth as he looks into your eyes, his thumb pulling at your lower lip as he spits his release onto your tongue. Your eyes flutter shut at the taste, feeling him snake his tongue into your mouth in a wet kiss. He pushes you back against the pillow slowly, his hand moving from your cheek to interlace your fingers as his lips trail down your jaw.

"I think your parents are home." He murmurs, and you try your best to zero in on any sounds that could allude to such. He nuzzles his nose into the crook of your neck, "Do you want to stop?"

You don't respond, hearing the jingle of the doorknob as Chan tugs on your earlobe with his teeth. You cover your mouth as a breathy moan slips out, feeling Chan smile against your skin. "We can stop, baby." You shake your head frantically as you hear your mother sigh and the creak of the stairs under their footsteps. Your father's footsteps are heavy behind your mother's light ones, and you hear the door to their bedroom open, the hinges desperately in need of an oiling. It closes, and you breathe out carefully.

"I have so many questions but I can ask them later. Can you go again?" You mutter, feeling him scoff against your skin. "Is that how you're going to ask me?" "I can always just ride you until you cry like I did in the back of your car three years ago." You huff, feeling Chan pinch your hip. "Can you even hold yourself up?" He smirks down at you, making you furrow your brows.

"Watch me." "I intend to."

JANUARY 1, 5:44AM.

The only reason you and Chan stop is because he's made you soak through your sheets twice, the edge of your bed sopping wet as he carefully carries you into the bathroom. How he's even able to stand up is beyond you, your legs loosely wrapped around his bare waist as he leans to turn the water on in your shower.

You wince as he sets you down on the edge of the tub, his fingers expertly releasing the clasp on your necklace and draping it on your bathroom counter. "Don't want it to snag in your hair." He murmurs as he helps you back up, your legs hardly functioning as he makes you step into the tub. The hot water feels great against your hips, your lips parting against Chan's chest in a soft groan as he holds you to him. He laughs softly, and you feel the pads of his fingers digging into the sore muscles. "I'm sorry, baby. Maybe that last position was too much, hm?" "Fuck all the way off." You mutter, resting your cheek on his chest as he coos at you. "How's that for three ways to Sunday?" "Great. It was great, wonderful. If fucking someone three ways to Sunday was an Olympic sport, you'd win gold every time." You confess quietly, your eyes barely open as you hear him pop the cap of your shampoo. "You know, you talk a lot when we have sex." "Mmh, do I? What did I say?" You feel his fingers card through your hair, making him snicker. "For one, I think you're the one with the daddy thing. You said it more than once and I'm honestly a little impressed with your commitment to the bit…if it is a bit." "Shut up. Wash my hair like a good boyfriend." Your cheeks grow hot as he laughs, leaning down to press a kiss to your hairline. "You also asked me when I'd marry you, and that you'd marry me tonight if you could." "When?" Your head snaps up to look at him, and he shrugs, a teasing smile on his lips. "If I recall correctly, you were face down–" "Enough." You turn away, pressing your forehead to his chest once more. "You're not supposed to make fun of me, I was vulnerable." "M'not making fun of you, baby. I'm absolutely enamored with you, I'd also marry you tonight if you'd allow it." He shrugs as he tilts your head back to rinse your hair, and you pout up at him. "I have a question." "Shoot." He feels your hands trace his torso, before you flick his hip. "What is this?" He looks down, the faded tattoo you'd been wondering about peeking through your fingers. He sighs, "It's a tattoo, babe. What else would it be?"

"Well for one, it's shitty. Second of all, of what?" You run your thumb over his skin, making him snort. "It is shitty, because I was drunk and I got it done with Soonyoung and Mingyu at their friend Seungcheol's apartment. It's also shitty because Seungcheol wanted someone to practice his fine line technique on and I was so wasted that I volunteered." "You've never been that reckless unless you're with me. Where was I? And what is it!?" You insist, and he snorts as he pours your body wash on your loofah. "It's your name. I kept saying it because I always think of you when I'm drunk and Seungcheol assumed it was what I wanted. It was actually very pretty when it was new, it's just faded now. There's a little red splotch somewhere, it was a heart."

He nods as you gape at him, "My name?" "It was two years ago. I was actually going to call you before Soonyoung threw my phone in the pool and told me I didn't deserve to call you if I wasn't going to beg for you back. I was always willing, I was just scared you'd reject me because of how much of a douche I'd been." "How'd you explain this to your hookups?" You blurt, and he smiles. "I didn't. They always knew. I don't know if you want me to talk about that, though. Your feelings are important to me and I was so shitty to you then." "You're a dumbass, both for not just talking to me and for getting this done at someone's apartment. You should get it redone at an actual parlor, I heard Hansol does tattoos now." You trace the faded ink, and he snorts. "I'd bet you'd like that, wouldn't you? Just branding me like that."

You don't say anything as he runs the sponge over your body, your eyes pointed as he scoffs. "But I'm the freak." "I counted thirty six positions, you are the freak. God forbid I want a little something to kiss before I go down on you." You roll your eyes, and you hear him choke as he pushes you back slightly under the water. "Careful, you'll sound like me if you keep that up." "Oh my God, I fucking asked you if I was too rough! You insisted I keep going!" He whines, landing a soft smack to your thigh as he washes your legs. You snicker, holding onto his shoulders, looking down at the red lines you'd inflicted. "Oh, your back is gonna hurt, babe." "Well worth it, in my opinion. I honestly thought I was going to lose my mind yesterday." He sighs as he stands upright, your arms wrapping around his waist as he presses a kiss to your hairline. "I'm sorry it took me so long to get my shit together, my love." "You know you've never called me that outside of those two months we were together?" You murmur, and he nods. "Mmh. Can't call you something you aren't, can I? I mean, you'll always be the love of my life but you weren't exactly mine and I didn't deserve you then, anyway." "And you do now?" You ask softly, and he shakes his head as he switches you out to stand under the showerhead, wincing as the hot water hits his back. "No. I'm always going to be undeserving of you, especially after the shit I pulled. But I have no problem spending my lifetime proving that I love you."

You don't reply, holding onto him silently as he cleanses himself. Your eyes linger on the flexing of his muscles, the way his face twitches as your body wash stings the aftermath of your nails digging into his back. "I'll be nicer next time." You assure him as he rolls his eyes, a mumble of no you won't from his lips as he presses a kiss to your hairline.

The sun is beginning to peek into your bedroom by the time you and Chan exit, and you sit in your bathrobe as Chan strips your sheets. He makes your bed in silence, hiding his yawns with shakes of his head and fishing through your drawers for his old clothes. He finds a pair of sweatpants and an old cheer shirt of his, tugging them on before easing your tired form into your own pajamas. You nearly trip as he slides your shorts up your legs, his fingers cheekily pinching the swell of your ass as you swat at him.

"Unlock the door." You remind him as he slides you under the fresh blankets, and he nods, his breath minty from your toothpaste as he presses a kiss to your nose. He unlocks it quietly, checking the time on his phone before sliding in next to you. "What time is it?" "Almost seven. Rosie's gonna barge in here." He mumbles as you settle on top of him, your head on his chest as his hand slips under your shirt with a sigh. "I love you." "I love you, Channie." You murmur into his shirt, your eyes heavy as he pulls you impossibly closer, planting a kiss on your cheek without a word.

3:41PM.

You're the first to wake up, feeling like a train hit you as your muscles take in the absolute marathon you put yourself through with Chan the night before. You grimace as your back pops, stretching carefully so as to not wake up your boyfriend – who is curled into your chest, his arm hanging off your hip. Biting back your smile, you carefully run your fingers through his hair before sighing inwardly. 

Sitting up slowly, you see something on your dresser. It's a framed photo, and a Polaroid tucked into the corner of the frame. You squint at it, unable to make out the shapes without rubbing at your eyes. Chan stirs next to you, a pout on his lips as he peels his eyes open. "Lay down, I'm cold."

"Hang on." You slide out of bed, wincing as you stand up. Your eyes land on the photo once more as you stand in front of your dresser, and it's you and Chan in a gold frame. It's the night of the Christmas Eve dinner, and it's slightly blurry but you can see the way you're smiling up at Chan shyly, and the way his eyes are starry as he looks down at you. It's the photo Rosie took, the one she didn't let you look at.

The Polaroid is also of you and Chan, in your bed with the same clothes you have on now. They must've walked in in the morning when neither of you responded, because you're both sound asleep in the photo. He's holding you close, and your arms are wrapped around his shoulders, your promise ring glinting against his neck in the flash of the camera. Your foreheads are pressed together, cheeks flushed in the soft morning light.

The note sits under the frame, and you look closer at the frame. Between You and Me, it reads, and you feel your cheeks heat as you slip the note out.

We've been trying to teach Rosie how to be careful with her money, because your mother started giving her an allowance a few weeks ago. She wanted to get you a Christmas gift but didn't know what you liked, and instead of asking…she took your camera from when you were a little girl and snapped a photo of you and Chan at Christmas Eve dinner. She told me when we were getting the photos developed that she thought Chan was really important to you, and that she knew she was, too – so it was like a win-win situation, to give you a gift of the things you cherish the most.

She's pretty good at making something out of nothing, and she begged me to take her to that old thrift store you loved in high school. She found this frame near the old book section that you walked through a lot, too. So profound for a child, but I digress. The Polaroid is from me, consider it an apology for allowing your mother to make such insane bets when we all knew that the two of you were bound to fall in love. P.S. Rosie's pretty good at capturing beautiful moments. Do you think she'd make a good wedding photographer? ♡

– Dad.

Your vision is blurry as you feel the heat of Chan's body behind you, his fingers carefully picking the frame up and looking at it. "You're so in love with me." He murmurs, and you half expect to look up and see him smiling – but his face is serious, his thumb ghosting over your face in the photo. You swallow nervously as he stares at the photo, clearing your throat.

"I am. Is that…okay?" You whisper, and he nods silently, closing his eyes as he sets the photo down. "We're taking that home, right? We can't leave it here. I want to see it everyday." He's not looking at you, holding the Polaroid gingerly in his hand. You watch as he sets it back down, his fingers plucking the note from your hand, leaning against the dresser as he reads it. He's blinking back tears and you feel your chest warm as he sighs, running his hand over his face. "We need to get Rosie that Lego set your dad said no to. The really big one, what was it?" "Rosie has never even seen Titanic. She just wants it because she thinks the boat is cool, and my dad said no because it's seven hundred dollars." You snort, and he shakes his head. "Don't care. She needs it. I need to buy it, where are your keys?" 

"We'll take my dad's, I don't feel like moving her booster seat." 

You smile to yourself as your boyfriend hands you a pair of jeans to slide on as he roots around for his socks, and you quietly slip out of your bedroom after tugging them on. You see your parents sitting around your dining room table, a few drinks and a deck of cards spread out between the four of them. Rosie sits quietly in Mrs. Lee's lap as Mrs. Lee explains the game, and you clear your throat. "Good afternoon." You say softly, and the parents turn their heads to look at you. They're smiling, and Rosie lights up, wiggling out of Mrs. Lee's lap and running towards you. "Did you like my present!? I made it for you!" "I know, babycakes. I loved your present." You pick her up, holding her on your hip as she moves your hair out of your face. You turn to your father, who has a knowing look on his face. "You mind if I take her for a bit? Chan wants to buy her something." "No sugar. She got a filling this morning." Your mother murmurs over her cards, taking a sip of her drink as she nods. Rosie huffs in your grasp, about to protest when Chan appears behind you. "Hey. Ready?" 

His cheeks are ruddy as he greets your parents, and none of them say a word as you tug on your boots as he makes Rosie fetch her coat. She's nearly bouncing off the stairs as she runs back down, and Chan helps her put it on as she eagerly asks what she's getting and why she's getting it.

"Titanic." Chan shrugs, and your father nearly spits out his drink as you shove the two of them out of the door, grabbing his car keys off the hook. "Y/N! Don't buy her that, it's too expensive!" "Can't hear you, Pop! See ya!" You grin cheekily, slipping out the front door and seeing Chan and Rosie giggling as he buckles her into her seat. Your heart warms at the sight, and you make eye contact with Chan as he shuts the door. He smiles, tilting his head towards the passenger side door as he opens it for you. You climb in silently, his eyes watching your every move. "You okay?" "I love you."

EPILOGUE – JANUARY 7, 5:30AM.

"Do you have to go?" You'd already stayed four more days than you'd originally planned, and you were really cutting it close by driving back on a Sunday. Rosie's eyes are tired and pleading as you hold her on your hip, Chan struggling to shove the last bag into your trunk as you snicker. "We do, babycakes. But don't worry! I'll come home with Channie in April for your birthday! Isn't that fun?" "I guess." She pouts, resting her head on your shoulder. "Will you call me everyday?" "Yes, I'll call you everyday." You nuzzle your nose to hers as Chan huffs, slamming your trunk shut. "Babe, someday you're going to have to pack this car and you'll understand why I sleep on the way back to campus." He's red in the face as your mother ventures outside to retrieve your little sister, Mrs. Lee in tow with a bag full of goodies for the trip back to campus. You smile softly at your mother as she takes your now crying sister, your heart aching as you wipe her tears.

"Don't cry, Rosie. We'll be back soon, I promise." Chan nods, holding his pinky out for your little sister to take. She sobs into your mother's parka as she does so, and your mother gives you a warm smile. "You guys take care of each other, okay? No more breaking up!" "No more breaking up." You both repeat, your cheeks flushing as Mrs. Lee gives you both a hug goodbye. Your father appears, holding up two tumblers full of hot chocolate and Mr. Lee hands Chan an envelope. "Pocket money. Don't let Y/N starve on the way home, she told us you only fed her beef jerky." "I did not!" He begins to protest, but you clap your hand over his mouth with a wide smile. "Thank you, Mr. Lee. I appreciate you worrying about my appetite." The goodbyes are not nearly as sappy as they usually are, but you know it's because they're looking forward to graduation. It will approach fast, you know you'll lose yourself in the excitement of it all and best of all, Chan will be right there with you. You're in the car waving to Rosie until you turn the corner, before your shoulders sag against your seat. You pout, making Chan smile as he reaches to pinch your cheek.

"Rosie will be okay, baby." "I know, I know. I just wish I was around more to see her grow up. She won't think I'm as cool by the time I'm finally around to hang out and stuff." "Babe, she's seven this year. She's gonna think you're cool." He rolls his eyes as he stops at a red light, connecting his phone to the aux and handing it to you. You sigh, unlocking his phone to see a photo of you and Rosie at the Lego store on New Year's Day as his home screen, paired with the same sentimental baby picture that rested in your locket as his lock screen – that one never changed. You say nothing as your cheeks warm, opening his Spotify and pressing shuffle as he turns left to take the exit to get onto the expressway.

You both tense as you hear the beginning notes of Meddle About by Chase Atlantic. He gives you a sideways glance as the lyrics start pouring through, and you clear your throat quietly.

"There's an exit…up ahead. It leads–" "Into the woods, yeah. I'm just gonna–" "Yeah. Should I-" "Start taking your coat off, mhm." "Got it. Are you gonna–" "Yup. Didn't bring any condoms with me." Your cheeks flush as you queue the same stupid sex playlist you made three years ago as he silently takes the exit before the one for the expressway, tonguing his cheek as he drives into the still-dark solace of the woods. You have your shirt off by the time he finds the same spot you found three years ago, and by the time he kills the engine, you're in the backseat.

"Hey, Chan?" The opening notes of Kiss It Better by Rihanna fill the car as he all but rips his coat off.

"Yes, Y/N?" "I love you." He smiles, kissing you tenderly as he lays you down in your backseat.

"I love you, baby."

haologram © 2024 || no translations, reposting or modifications are allowed. do not claim as your own. viewer discretion is advised. your media consumption is your responsibility.

[azsazz]

About Last Night

Azriel x Reader

Summary: Req from @noteonthepolaroidpicture : all of the baby bats either in velaris or in some other court (maybe autumn n they’re older along with Maude or something) plan to sneak out and go to Rita’s (or some bar in another court) and baz is very much ‘they cannot catch all of us’ and of course they all get caught but it’s a very admirable effort by them. And Knox is very much ‘I told you’

Warnings: Creepy guy hitting on Zuzu and Asteria, drinking, partying, mentions of blood.

Word Count: 5,211

Notes: A little taste of the older bat babies a lot of you have been wanting. Enjoy! 🥰

_________________________________________

“Look Giddy, I know you want to see your girlfriend and all that, but if we get caught, we’re in deep shit,” Wren argues, a stern look on his face and arms crossed tightly over his puffed out chest, trying to seem like he’s the one in charge.

He isn’t.

“If we get caught,” Gideon defends, before adding as an afterthought, eyebrows furrowed, “And she’s not my girlfriend.”

He rolls his eyes at all of the knowing looks his sisters and cousins give him at that little statement, cheeks tingeing red in betrayal.

“Besides,” he brushes off, coming around to Baz’s side. He slings an arm over his cousin's shoulders, an easy grin replacing the frown he’d just been wearing, knowing the younger male will be the easiest to convince to agree to his antics, “If we don’t go, we’ll have no cool stories to share when we’re older.”

Wren's mouth parts, another protest on the tip of his tongue but Gideon’s quick to cut him off, “And, if you don’t think that our parents are guilty of sneaking off you’re only playing yourself, Wrennie.”

The latter cringes at the use of his childhood nickname, sharing a look with Nyx.

“You’re not talking about a different bar Giddy, you’re talking about a whole different court,” Sif wrinkles her nose at her older brother, and Castor agrees.

“And one in Autumn.”

“Fine,” Gideon responds breezily, but the rest of his family knows he’s not about to let this crazy idea go. “Stay here. Go to the same hole-in-the-wall our parents have been going to for centuries. Baz and I will go. Right Bazzy?”

Wren's younger brother takes a moment, looking around the circle at each of his own siblings. Wren, with his wide eyes, pleading with him silently not to agree. Zuzu, looking as bored as ever, giggling with Asteria over some male she’d seen in Summer. Jax is as stoic as always, but that pinch in Baz’s gut tells him that his younger brother could use the excitement.

And the twins. Malos, who’s picking the dirt from under her nails with the curved tip of her most precious blade, smirking while Knox speaks into her mind–

The group startles as someone stumbles out the backdoor of the bar and into the alley, clearly drunk out of their mind. The bassy music and loud conversation spill from the building until the heavy door swings shut, cutting it off abruptly.

The male digs deep into his pockets, grunting as he struggles to free his hand from the tight fabric once he’s grasped whatever is so important, unaware of the eleven sets of well-trained eyes watching him, grinning triumphantly when he produces a thickly rolled snout.

He places it between his lips, bringing his free hand to the end of the joint, and with the snap of his fingers a flame flickers to life. Knox’s brows twitch while Malos’ eyes widen with intrigue at the blatant use of magic.

The male hadn't noticed the large group of young adults arguing, for they’d all gone silent in his presence, watching the drunkard struggle with his treat. He suckles at the tip of the joint, holding his breath to let the smoke leech into his lungs, before exhaling all of his worries away, white smoke curling from his mouth like the few shadows sweeping around the group protectively.

Mirthroot.

The male coughs into the crook of his arm at the strong flavor, the smoke sticking to his throat, and finally seems to realize that he’s not alone. He blinks once, twice, trying to clear the glaze from his vision.

He staggers closer to the group, not picking up on the way they all bristle, wings tucking closer to their backs with tension.

It’s Zuzu and Aster he stops next to, of course it is. They’re dressed scantily, ready to head into the bars and immediately wander off from the rest of their families in favor of prowling the dance floor for potential suitors, waiting by the bar drinkless until males and females alike send one their way.

Zuzu looks over her shoulder at the man. He’s a half head taller than her in her heels, not handsome, but not quite ugly either. So she forces her red painted lips into a sultry smile, batting her eyelashes, the face she’s mastered, one that will get her almost anything she wants from any stranger.

It works, the corner of his mouth lifts in response, gaze flicking towards Asteria who’s also smiling at him like he’s the most handsome thing they’ve ever seen, watching with round eyes as he brings the joint to his mouth for another drag, pinched between his thumb and forefinger.

“Two very pretty girls,” he grins, sidling up close to Zuzu. His voice is like gravel, like he’s smoked a tinge too much mirthroot tonight, “Might I have the pleasure in–”

“Yes,” Zuzu agrees immediately, plucking the joint from his grasp. The male’s mouth parts in protest but Asteria’s stepping forward, trailing a red dipped nail down his alcohol stained shirt.

“We’ll look after this while you go inside and get us some drinks,” her smile is alluring. He seems to mull it over for a second, hazy gaze drifting down to where her hand is on his chest, up to her gleaming violet gaze and then over to Zuzu, who has his joint hanging limply between her clawed fingernails.

He agrees then, stumbling back a step as he rushes to get the pretty females their drinks, calling over his shoulder in a rough slur, “Be right back. Don’t go anywhere, pretty girls!”

Malos makes a face while Castor seems awestruck at her older cousins who snicker to each other as the male gives them one last eager look before dipping back inside. They mentally take notes at how easy Zuzu and Aster have made it look.

The males of the group relax slightly now that the male has swooped inside like a knight on a mission from princesses, although, they suppose that’s nearly what they are, with their parents titles. Tension melts from their tight wings. It’s much too early for their talons to be ruffled by some asshole in the street.

“You’re not going to smoke that, right?” Nyx points disgustedly at the man's joint in Zuzu’s grasp.

She rolls her eyes, red lips curving into a wicked grin as she stubs it out on the side of the building and holds it up with sparkling eyes.

“Let’s see what this will get us in Autumn.”

“Not you too,” Wren groans, brushing a hand through his dark hair, free hand on his hip. He looks towards Jax and the twins for some sort of reinforcement, even though he’s the oldest of the six.

“Knox says we’ll get caught,” Malos provides in a bored tone, sheathing her knife and crossing her arms over her chest. She doesn’t want to burst Wren’s bubble, but a part of her is itching to go, to explore a different court.

Wren breathes a sigh of relief but it’s short lived because Baz’s mouth curls into a splitting smile. All of his siblings groan at the sight, knowing exactly what that look means.

“Anyone else care to wager how far we’ll get before mom and dad find us?”

.·:·.☽ ✦ ☾.·:·.

Maude Vanserra meets them at the border of Autumn, her younger sister and brother in tow.

She’s thrown herself into the arms of Gideon, who, despite telling his sisters and cousins that Maude is not his girlfriend, secretly is.

Juniper perks up at the sight of Sif and Castor, nearly flinging herself into a group hug with her two best friends, while Rook grows smaller under the lingering gaze Malos throws his way. The youngest has been forced out of the palace by his sisters, who, for once, actually want him to go out with them.

He’s a dashing young male, with his unruly amber hair brushed back from the glowing embers of his eyes, a crisp white shirt hanging off of his thinner frame, the first two buttons undone in haste.

He’d much rather be at home, reading strategy books or playing whatever wraith he can find in a game of chess, especially when he catches sight of Gideon and Baz, two of the loudest troublemakers in Prythian.

“C’mon,” Maude squeals, grabbing Gideon’s hand and tugging him along to the front of the group, “Let’s get this party started!”

.·:·.☽ ✦ ☾.·:·.

Chlo’s is nestled in the foxholes of the Autumn Court, a place where none of the Night Court children had been before. In fact, they're pretty sure they aren’t allowed to be in here, not because of who their parents are, but because the city reminds them of Velaris, hidden and protected from above ground.

There’s music in the streets, not dissimilar to the music found in the Night Court. Bonfires litter the foxholes as they walk, males and females alike gather around the fiery pits, dancing and drinking and laughing the night away.

Knox shakes out his wings, brushing off the uncomfort he’s feeling from being unable to see the stars in the sky, sharing a look with Jax, who looks equally as uneasy.

He’s regretting not slinking away with Malos, who never truly let herself have a night off from Spywork, their shadows whispering in his ear her whereabouts.

Even Wren has given up on complaining once they’re entered the bar.

It’s nothing like Rita’s, that had been around for ages. Chlo’s is all dipped cedar and dark pine, flanked by a pristine cafė and a rundown storefront that claims to do psychic readings. Faelights beam in colored glass jars that are swinging throughout the room like strobes. The folk music from around the bonfires disappears as the plucky strumming of the guitar and deep bass of the drums plays unabashed, the bodies of fae and creatures alike gyrating to the lust lined music.

“Now this is awesome,” Zuzu breathes, dark eyes casting around the room in wonder. She peels away from the group with Aster on her heels, mirthroot joint tucked behind a pointed ear as they beeline towards the bar, eager to try the autumnal flavored drinks.

Castor, Sif, and Juniper head for the dance floor, giggling like school girls as they slip through the crowd with ease, hands linked together like the flower children of Spring.

Even Jax seems to be feeling lighter, absorbing the would-be overwhelming emotions filling the space, had he not mastered his powers at a younger age. The air is filled with excitement, carelessness, and a hint of lust that makes his throat thick. His hazel gaze glosses over as he revels in it, mouth twitching into a blissful smile.

Nyx and Wren find them an unoccupied table, settling into the chairs with minor struggle, the wings at their backs shifting awkwardly to wrap around the backrest. Jax slips into an empty seat without complaint, looking lighter than he has in years, while Knox kicks out another with a heavy boot, flipping it around to straddle the high back of the chair, wings resting comfortably at his back.

Baz, Gideon, and Maude move towards the bars for drinks, leaving Rook standing nervously at the table full of tall winged males, clad in all black and as intimidating as the cauldron itself.

He really should’ve stayed home, the youngest Vanserra thinks as he slumps into one of the empty seats.

Knox blinks, looking around the bar with all-seeing eyes. He hasn’t called his shadows back, figures it would be safer for Malos to have them creeping along with her while she’s snooping through the Autumn Court. He sends her a mental note not to stay out too long, to which she replies immediately, Missing me already?

Dearly, sis, he replies with a roll of his eyes.

Her laughter echoes in his mind and with quick word that she’s already on her way back to meet them, she’s gone.

Knox tries to settle into his seat, but finds himself at a loss. Malos is on her way and he’s with his siblings, but the bar is nearly too dark for him to be able to sign across the long table to Wren on the other side, and he isn’t sure how to conversate with Rook, if he even knows sign language, and Jax seems to be strangely in a world of his own right now, so fiddles with the thick ring on his finger while he waits for his drink.

Wren and Nyx are in deep conversation when a tray full of drinks slams down on the table between them, held by a grinning Baz.

“You’ve got to try these,” he exclaims, handing out shots to Nyx and his brothers. Maude and Gideon follow with their own trays, pitchers of drinks and a multitude of shots line each, presumably for the rest of their party.

Wren sniffs at the glass Baz hands him. The singing smell of alcohol burns the back of his throat and the tinge of cinnamon chokes him as he swallows the dark liquor down. He makes a face, frowning up at his brother.

“What in Mother’s name is this?” Nyx asks for both of them.

Baz shrugs, clinking his glass against Gideons and Maudes who’s cups are raised in a silent toast to themselves, “I don’t know but it’s awesome, isn’t it?”

The two oldest share knowing looks, well aware not to trust what Baz suggests because it’s most likely the thing that will get them in trouble.

Rook takes his like a pro, slamming the empty glass onto the table and quickly reaching for another. His pale, freckled cheeks have a rosy blush to them from just the first drink, and all of a sudden the first few undone buttons of his shirt don’t seem like they weren’t clasped because he was rushing, but now seems purposeful as his shoulders loosen with the alcohol.

The drink turns out to be some sort of cinnamon moonshine Maude had told them would put them on their asses when they’d each eagerly reached out for a second shot.

Jax forgoes the liquor, opening his senses more and more, letting the happiness and fun wash over him, loosening his tight shoulders. He turns to speak to his youngest brother, catching the prick of discomfort he feels when his eyes lock on a pretty female slinking through the crowd.

His mouth goes dry at the sight of her and he’s quickly mumbling to the youngest as he slides from his chair, “Be right back.”

Knox puffs out a silent breath as he watches his brother go, slinking through the writhing bodies with the stealth of a snake. He sits up in his chair, trying to follow Jax’s path but he loses him quick enough, slumping down, fingering the rim of his glass.

His dark eyes cut to the clock behind the bar, taking note of the time. He knows that their father is going to catch them, there’s a guilty feeling in the pit of his stomach that says so, but even so, it’s nice to see Gideon with his girl, his siblings letting loose.

If only he himself could do the same.

Rook looks as bored as he is, tipping back on the two hind legs of his chair, a drink clasped close to his chest as he watches with sharp eyes both the party members and the crowd around. Knox watches intently as the youngest male does so, the gleam of his golden necklace catches in the bouncing faelight but the shadowsinger can’t quite make out the shape of it.

He averts his attention before he gets caught.

.·:·.☽ ✦ ☾.·:·.

Malos stalks into the bar thirty minutes later, her itch to spy around the Autumn Court unfulfilled.

She’d wanted to find out more about the shadow hounds she’s heard so much about, looking to try and lure one out with her own shadows, but hadn’t caught sight of one of the protected animals of the Court.

She pushes through the bodies without a care, and no one dares call her out for her actions once they see her glower, the massive wings and fighting leathers. They don’t even know about the numerous weapons sheathed within them.

She almost wants one of them to bite back at her, stir up some trouble. Preferably someone at least twice her size or with a knack for fighting. 

She feels up for a little challenge.

But no one does, not even her older sister when she brushes through her and Aster, her shadows trailing her like obedient dogs.

Zuzu tugs on her hand but it’s not a fight she wants, laughing tipsily as she tries to get Malos to dance with her.

A smile tugs at the corner of Malos’ mouth, all she will allow before she’s twisting Zuzu into a spin, twirling her right into Aster’s arms. The pair spill into a fit of giggles before deciding to get another drink.

The younger sister takes the unoccupied spot next to Knox, scooping up an abandoned shot and knocking it back like it’s nothing. It’s sweet, the taste of cinnamon coats the back of her throat like syrup and she grimaces at the taste.

Not even her Aunt Nesta would drink this shit.

She doesn’t even get a chance to speak to her twin before Nyx is sliding into Jax’s empty seat, slinging an arm over her shoulders with an easy grin on his face.

Malos blushes at the contact, trying to shove the older male off of her. The heir doesn't budge, just plants a wet kiss to her cheek and beams, holding up another drink for her to take.

“Where’ve you been?” Nyx asks loudly–knowingly–in her ear.

She cringes away on instinct, glaring at the sly look on her twin's face, who blanches under her gaze, smartly averting his gaze to try and catch a glimpse of Jax.

She can smell the liquor on his breath. It’s hard not to, with all of the empty glasses littering the table. He’s faring better than Baz and Gideon though, who have their arms wrapped around each other's shoulders, drunkenly serenading Maude and Wren, who are only encouraging it.

“Around,” she replies smoothly, voice even like her father taught her.

If she’s going to be Nyx’s spymaster some day, she’ll have to keep practicing.

“You need to catch up,” is all he replies, cheersing his glass against hers.

Reluctantly, Malos takes the drink, glancing at Knox on the other side of her.

How much longer?

Should be any minute now, he replies, arms crossed as he leans on the tall back of the backwards chair, looking as relaxed as ever for someone who’s awaiting the downfall of their plan.

.·:·.☽ ✦ ☾.·:·.

Baz should’ve seen it coming, he really should have.

But he’s having too much fun in the Autumn Court, with their fast-paced music, whimsical drinks, drunk and partying with all of his family. It’s everything he wanted tonight and more; dancing with the girls, trying to out drink his brothers.

His shadows are hissing in his ears but the bass is too loud and he’s not focused, can’t quite hear the urgency over the fun that he’s having. He bats them away when they ruin one of his toasts, and Rook nearly topples out of his seat when they skitter his way.

Three things happen all at once.

One. 

The shadows beneath the table awaken, shifting and slithering around each of the Night Court children’s ankles and pulling tight, chaining their legs to the ground.

They startle, sharing wide eyed looks between each other and harsh swallows of guilt, knowing they’re in deep shit.

Two. 

Sif and Juniper’s beaming smiles drop, looks of terror replacing them as they catch sight of the bulky figure striding for them. The crowd parts easily, some grumbling about how the night is going to turn chaotic from the sight of those broad wings, some sneering at the Night Court females.

Castor hasn’t noticed, back to the looming male. She’s having fun, buzzing from the spiced cider she’s had and dancing wildly to make her sister and Juniper laugh. Her eyes are shut tightly, grin stretching across her face so hard her cheeks ache, until she runs into the brick wall of the male at her back.

She spins on her heel, ready to tell them off but her mouth goes slack as she stares wide-eyed up at him, a firm frown on his face.

“Dad?”

Three.

A shadow crawls over the shoulders of the two females at the bar, drinking in the attention from a group of fit fae males while they await their cocktails of choice.

If they had been paying more attention they would’ve felt the rippling power throughout the nightclub, seen the fae lights flickering overhead.

They share a quick look and a low curse, before Zuzu and Aster paint on their most innocent faces as they turn towards the crow of darkness standing at their backs.

The High Lord of the Night Court stands behind them, arms crossed over his chest, a disappointed look on his face. Rhys has even put on one of his most extravagant crowns for the occasion, dark painted iron and gleaming onyx gems that drink in all of the light.

The young warriors surrounding them cower under the harsh violet gaze of the High Lord, slowly backing away in hopes he won’t notice.

“Let’s go,” he growls, grabbing each female by their wrists and winnowing away into nothingness.

.·:·.☽ ✦ ☾.·:·.

“Knox wins, again,” Malos mutters, crossing her arms over her chest and rolling her eyes.

They’d all been dragged back to the Night Court without a word from their fathers, and now they’re all standing in a line before them, mothers and fathers furious with them for their actions.

Her twin looks down the line of siblings and cousins, a smirk on his face that clearly states ‘I told you so,’ but when his fathers withering glare turns his way he ducks down bashfully, shrugging in defense, signing a lame ‘I’m sorry,’ that he knows will do nothing to get him out of trouble.

“This isn’t something to be won,” Rhysand scolds. His heart hasn’t stopped racing since he’d learnt of his children’s venture to the Autumn Court. And while Beron was no longer an issue at hand, there are many other things that could’ve happened had he showed up any later. “This isn’t some game!”

Rarely have they seen the High Lord like this. Once, when they’d ruined a High Lords meeting by releasing a young snowcat they’d found roaming outside during their snowball fight in Winter, and the other, when they’d all banded together when they were young, trying to steal a slice of the enormous Starfall cake before dinner. The entire table had fallen to the ground, destroying all of the desserts in front of the entire party. They were sent to bed early that night.

Azriel hasn’t spoken. He’s absolutely fuming at what the children have done. A part of him feels so stupid, his shadows screeching in his ears hadn’t been enough to wake him from his deep slumber, after having taken you three times since arriving back from a long trip to the Steppes.

His children had done well in choosing tonight to sneak out, he had to give them that.

He doesn’t know what he’s going to do with them. Interrogate them all separately like he used to do when they were younger, though he knows that his children had learned some of his ways and have most likely made up a story to all tell their parents.

On the other hand, it’s quite obvious who the masterminds behind the plan are.

But Cassian asks anyway, slipping easily into the voice he uses when he’s commanding an army, “Who did it?”

For a moment, none of their children move. There isn’t a twitch of a hand, a flicker of a gaze to point out the culprit. 

At least, not until Rhysand and Azriel let their power leech a little.

That would always get them to break.

The rest of the children flinch, frantically pointing at Baz and Giddy, who sway in their spots, though they’ve seemed to sober up tremendously since getting caught, knowing they’re in deep shit.

They seem to realize at the same time that they are pointing at each other, frowning and protesting at the same time, “Hey!”

“Basil, Gideon, stay put,” Rhys’ tone is fierce, a pointed look pinning the two young males to their spots, “The rest of you, get out of my sight.”

None of the other children dare to respond other than quickly filing from the room with you, Feyre, and Nesta on their heels.

Azriel studies his son intently. His eyes are glossed over, cast downwards to the floor because he knows he’s in trouble. There’s a leaf shaped shot glass tied around his neck and Azriel can smell the stink of moonshine from where he stands.

Gideon isn’t much better off. Mouth bruised and neck littered with love bites from the eldest of the Vanserra daughters. His hair is a disheveled mess and his shirt is rumpled.

They look utterly guilty.

Rhys takes the lead. He’s acting as High Lord first instead of concerned father and uncle, since this incident is a multi court disaster, and he knows his brothers are too infuriated with their sons to speak right now.

“Do you know how much danger you could’ve put everyone in?” Rhys asks, violet gaze unwavering, “I had to send a raven for permission to retrieve you all.” He’s disgusted, they can tell. Baz can hardly look at his father, for fear of the utter disappointment he’ll see.

Gideon opens his mouth to respond but Cassian is quick to silence him, “I don’t want to hear it, Gideon. This is the most foolish thing you’ve ever done! And putting your sisters into that kind of danger all for a female? What were you thinking?”

His son shrugs, biting his tongue because he wants to yell back that Maude isn’t just some female. Baz tries, “But we had Wren and Nyx with us! And Malos and Knox! And Jax! We’re all trained, we know how to defend ourselves!”

He doesn’t know what’s worse. The fact that Azriel responds with an icy calmness, when Baz wishes he would raise his voice and scream at him, or the fact that of course, his father is right.

“That’s not the point, Basil. You may know how to defend yourselves, but in a different court, should something have happened, it would not be so easy to help you out of it.”

The shadowsinger’s frozen with anger, with fear. He’s immediately brought back to his childhood, when he was locked away from the rest of the world. If his children had been seized and locked away like he was…he can’t even think about it, the churning in his stomach is enough. His mind is racing a thousand miles a minute, and hasn't calmed since getting all of the children back to safety in the Night Court. 

He’s afraid he’s losing his mind.

A gentle thrum vibrates in his chest, like a purr. You, calling out to him through the bond, sensing and sharing his fears, but trying to be supportive in the only way you know how while you’re in separate rooms.

He eases only slightly.

“Your brothers and sisters are not spymasters yet, you should remember that,” each word tastes like acid, he hates the fact that he even needs to be having this conversation.

Baz’s shadows pick up on the well-hidden emotions of his father and his throat goes thick with emotion.

“Dad–”

“Enough, Basil,” Azriel raises a hand in response, shaking his head slightly, “Hear your punishment with no complaints. Then, we are going home.”

“Yes, sir,” he mumbles, cheeks burning with shame as he steps back next to Gideon to await his punishment.

Rhys looks back and forth between them, trying to decide a punishment worthy of sneaking out the court. He knows that Gideon is a young male in love for the first time, and his heart squeezes in his chest at the thought of what he was like when he was young and in love.

And Baz…he knows Baz means well, that he wants to please his siblings, wants them to have a fun time no matter what they are doing. He has much to learn, if he ever wishes to be as good a spymaster as his father or warrior like his uncle.

“Gideon,” Rhys starts and the older of the two looks up, ready to accept his punishment, “You’re to help Aunt Elain out in the gardens. You’ll be–”

“But what about my allergies?” he protests loudly. A harsh look from Cassian shuts him up, huffing quietly, “Yes, High Lord.”

“Basil,” Rhysand turns to his other nephew, “You’re going to spend one hour a day with Bryaxis.”

Baz’s mouth drops open in shock. He glances to his father whose eyes have widened only slightly, before they get that familiar gleam, and he knows he’s speaking to his High Lord.

You can’t put him down there, Azriel hisses to his brother.

And why not? Rhys’ brows twitch but he doesn’t avert his gaze from his nephews.

This is Baz we’re talking about. Baz and Bryaxis? I can’t even imagine the kind of friendship my son will have with the beast…what kind of trouble they’d get into.

Shit, you’re right, Rhysand agrees, before amending his punishment, “I’ve changed my mind. Baz, you will be bringing Amren her dinner for the next two months.”

“Fuck me truly,” Baz mutters under his breath because she’s a way scarier beast than the monster in the library is.

Gideon can’t help but to be relieved with his punishment, mild compared to his cousins. He’ll take an itchy nose over having to take blood to Aunt Amren anyway.

“And the both of you are on doubles for training until your father’s deem you sorry enough to stop,” his violet eyes cut to Cassian’s, then Azriel’s, a hint of amusement glimmers there before he finishes addressing the young males, “Starting this morning. At first light, which is now only an hour away. Rest up.”

They are definitely going to make their son’s hangovers a living hell.

Baz bites back a groan, shoving Gideon when the older boy starts for the door. He stumbles and throws a glare over his shoulder at his cousin, but chooses not to say anything because the entire thing was his idea and Baz hadn’t ratted him out, even though he easily could’ve.

“And one more thing,” Rhysand calls after them, and they turn slowly, a bad feeling settling in the pits of their stomachs. 

“You’ll be walking the stairs in the House of Wind, right now.”

“Try not to be too late for training, boys,” Cassian adds, siphons flickering with his words.

He owes Baz big time.

[chewwl]

bat napadaan ka sa panaginip q, kaso hayss, HINDI Q ALAM YUNG LAMAN NG QR CODE ARGHGGHGHG!!

[yeonjunenby]

Bazzie the Bat

This is a gift to @hushed-chorus from the Secret Snowflake Exchange 2022!

Title: Bazzie the Bat Rating: Teens+ at 2.5k completed

Summary: Simon wakes up only to discover that Baz has turned into a bat.

Excerpt: 

Wait a minute. I know that years ago Baz told me that vampires can’t turn into bats, but… he also didn’t know how to control his fangs at the time. Maybe… could it be?

“Baz? Baby, is that you?” At the name, the bat looks up at me and I swear I see the familiar loving, fond look in its eyes. “Oh my fucking god. Baz, what in the bloody hell happened to you?”

He stares at me, and I swear he’s trying to use all the tiny muscles in his bat face to sneer at me.

Read this ridiculous fic HERE!!!

Here you go Demi! I took a lot of risks (or that’s how it felt to me) by stepping out of my writing comfort zone and writing a crack/silly fic, and by also not following your prompts exactly  :”)   hopefully you still enjoyed it <3

[sukirichi]

Breakfast: ingredient 64 + sugar 5 for inumaki

Okay, but like- what about inumaki's first kiss? His mouth is a very sensitive area and his first kiss would be a very intimate act, so here's what happens: reader and him are mutually pining BUT all everyone else sees is the sexual tension between them.

Somehow itadori manages to lock them in a dark small space, where they share their first kiss, yet they don't speak about it and to each other for a long time. At some point itadori (i swear this kid is a matchmaker) points out how y/n and toge can't even glance at each other and inumaki breaks. Late at night he shows up at reader's dorm, pins her to the wall and kisses her like no tomorrow. After they eventually have a rough make out with toge's shirt coming off, they lay on her bed where reader tells him she really likes him and he grabs her chin to stop her rambling and she looses it when she sees so much love and lust swirling in his eyes (they maybe have a third make out round 👀) and in the end they come to the conclusion they love each other and that they should have acted sooner on it.

I don't know if make outs count as nsfw and i read that you can write only sfw for inumaki, so it's okay if you can't complete this request. Just let me know you if can't.

Also get prepared to be spoiled spammed with asks.

— 🍰 strawberry shortcake anon

delicate

the first kiss with inumaki toge is as delicate as he is.

meal order: ★🥞 + 64 (canon au) + 5 (mutual pining) + sensitive first kiss with inumaki, them trapped in a room + yuuji as matchmaker uwu + WALL PIN KISS YES SIR + basically hot af inumaki

warnings: nothing really, just make out sessions and implications of smut, also UH soft dom inumaki toge, i guess? unedited as always

song i listened to while writing: I.F.L.Y. by Bazzi

note: 🍰 anon TYSM for this request, my heart was legit doki doki the whole time. this totally reminds me of why inumaki was my first crush and he’s the reason i came to watch jjk lol i love him so much <3 i hope this is what you’ve been looking for and that you like it! i had a lot of fun writing this one!

“Yuuji, don’t!” You tried to scramble against the strawberry haired boy’s grip, but he was far too strong, and it didn’t help that Nobara’s riled up self was helping him push you back inside the storage room. “Yuuji, Nobara, I’m your senpai, have some respect—” You don’t get to finish your words before you’re pushed inside, landing on the floor with a thud.

“Yuuji!” You banged your fists on the door once you’ve recovered, screaming at the top of your lungs. From outside the door, you heard the underclassmen giggle and run away, leaving you with your crush, Inumaki Toge, of all people.

Falling down into a squat, you wrapped your arms around yourself, refusing to look at him. You were only thankful that it was dark so Toge wouldn’t see how your pupils blew wide, your body responding at the soft scent of his perfume and laundry detergent. He’d been your crush for who knows how long now, and your first memory of meeting the cursed speech user burns at the back of your mind to remind you that it’s been years, and yet you’ve barely spoken to him.

Unlike the other students, your cursed technique wasn’t the most useful in combat. Your technique allowed you to nullify the abilities of others, but the downside of it was that it didn’t have much advantage against curses, so you had to rely on your physical strength to exorcise.

On the bright side, though…

“So,” Toge begins, shuffling away from the dusty wall and closer to you. Your heartbeat raced when his knees brushed against yours, thighs pressed against one another. “You’re a victim of them too.”

“Hmm, guess so.”

Neither of you speak for a while. Toge himself wasn’t much of a talker, and he barely batted an eye when Maki and Panda hauled his ass inside the storage room. He was so calm and placid that your mind was in mess – both because you were comfortable and happy in his presence, but at the same time, your palms were so sweaty and the room was so stuffed you could barely breathe. It didn’t help that Toge was humming too, reassured that he wasn’t going to hurt you with his powers.

“Uhm,” you started nervously, fiddling with your fingers. The silence stretched out thick and cordial that you couldn’t bear it anymore, and you turned to Toge with wide eyes, blinking back rapidly when he faced you as well, his deep purple eyes like a painting before you. “Do-do you know why we’re locked in here?”

Your palms grew wetter with each ticking second; Toge taking his time to answer.

Nobara had eavesdropped on you gushing to Megumi on how Toge looked so cute during breakfast this morning, and the girl immediately ran off to tell her best friend, Yuuji; the two of them sharing the same braincells.

Before you knew it, everyone split into two groups, your classmates dragging Toge away while Nobara and Yuuji manhandled you, hissing into your ear to man up and fess.

As if it was as easy as that! Inumaki Toge – albeit approachable and kind – was still the light of your life, the apple of your eye, and he barely acknowledged your presence the whole two years you’ve been with him. He was much closer with Maki and Panda while you got along more with the younger ones (although you wouldn’t hesitate to redact that statement after doing this to you), so the chances of you ever striking up a full conversation with him were low.

You only admired him from afar, sighing dreamily into your hands while he trained with Panda. Megumi seemed to be the only decent one, silent and bored as ever while you rambled on tirelessly on how much Toge looked so buff under his uniform yet had the face baby, stating over and over again he was born just to drive you crazy.

You should’ve known someone would find out one way or another, but heavens forbid, not him. The both of you were barely friends to begin with – you didn’t want to shatter whatever mutual respect you had for each other just because you crushed on him hard.

Mind running back and forth over the different ways Toge could reject you, because obviously someone had told him, or obviously he knew already – why else would he be locked here with you if your friends didn’t know something? It was getting hard to read his face from the darkness; the only thing you could make out were his long lashes and lips visible with his collar down.

“I don’t know, to be honest,” he avoided your gaze, and you swallowed audibly at the sound of his husky voice; unused to speaking this much. “But…but we’ve got nothing to worry about. Gojo-Sensei or Nanamin will come around soon.”

“Okay,” you nodded at his words, cursing inwardly that this was your perfect chance to confess or at least try and be friends with him, but your whole body was burning, feet frozen in your place that you just couldn’t bring yourself to do it. You watched from the corner of your eye as Toge rocked back and forth in his heels, cheeks puffed out, and your eyes zeroed in on the snake tattoo beside his lips.

Toge rarely ever let his collar down to muffle his voice, so seeing him expose his lips like this almost felt intimate. He looked so pretty, long lashes fluttering on top of those warmed cheeks and strong arms wrapped around his knees.

He was just an arm’s length away. This was the closest you’d ever gotten with him, and maybe it was because you’d kept your feelings a secret for so long that it suddenly burst through. Faster than you could take notice of yourself, your arm reached out to cup his cheeks, thumb swiping against the tattoos. “Pretty,” you murmured, Toge stiffening up under your touch.

His eyes skewed over to yours, wide and unreadable, but there was something there – something burning. He had to bite down his cheek as you caressed his face absentmindedly, and it wasn’t until his fingers came up to your wrist that you realized what you were doing.

“Oh!” you exclaimed, the warmth of his skin now searing because of your embarrassment. “Toge – I-I didn’t mean to – I’m so sorry! It’s just, your tattoos look so pretty and I’ve always—”

Your words are thrown right back into your mouth when Toge tugged you forward, sending the both of you toppling to the ground. Toge’s hands were delicate, just as delicate as your touch, when he cupped your face, his lips moving with yours. You were stunned for a moment before pleasure and fireworks exploding everywhere burst within you, prompting you to kiss him back in urgent fervor.

Toge’s lips tasted like candy, his sighs into your mouth melting your insides until you’re crumpling his shirt, eyes shut so tight in fear that maybe this would all disappear the moment you opened them.

Your hands travelled everywhere – from his shoulders, to his neck, his jaw – before it settled into his hair, the satisfaction of finally getting to run your hands through them has you weakening in his hold. Toge keeps his grip on your waist firm, almost possessive even, and he held you up both, sitting up while your arms wound around his neck.

A curse must’ve possessed you because you moaned into his mouth when he nipped at your bottom lip, tugging it inside his mouth so he could taste your cherry chapstick.

He wasn’t in a better state than yours. As the cursed speech user, his mouth was one of his most sensitive parts, and it took all energy it had in him to not kiss you senseless right then and there, your lips swiping over his mouth in such a mind-numbing sensation.

It felt like his body was on fire, the heat licking up from his toes to right where you were pressed on him. Your lips on his was scorching, the soft sighs and moans you gave him only adding to the fuel.

Toge groaned as your nails subconsciously pulled at his hair, making him grind you down into the V of his lips, pressing your chest firms against his until there was no more space. Through the darkness and nearly airless atmosphere of the room, Toge still managed to take your breath away, your lips moving in synch and you were falling, falling, falling.

He effortlessly held your weakening arms up before he pulled away, both your chests panting at the sudden heated kiss. His eyes trailed down from your lust-filled gaze to the bow of your lips, where the flesh was plump and abused.

Toge’s thumb swiped over your lips that had you frozen solid because he looked at you so gently, delicately, almost as if he didn’t want to hurt you. But he never could – you nullified everyone’s powers and allowed him freedom in your space. You’d let him come again and again, welcoming him with open arms if he wanted so, and in that moment, you believed he did.

Although why would he want you?

Fears and insecurities struck a chord in you and you scrambled away from his lap, leaving Toge all alone in the ground. You ducked your head down to ignore the confused and hurt expression on his face, turning back to the door instead. “I’m so sorry,” you rasped out in one breath, “I-I didn’t mean for that kiss to happen and I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable. Please just forget this ever happened and I really wish you and I aren’t awkward for this. Okay, good night. See you around.”

Pulling your phone out of your pocket after cursing yourself for not thinking of texting Megumi sooner, you speed dialed the younger boy, begging him to unlock the door.

Megumi came around a few minutes later. Toge had long settled behind you, silent but still catching his breath from your previous lip-locking. His presence unnerved you and you rubbed your hands up and down your arms, praying to whoever divines self that Toge would forget about this as well. The moment Megumi came around, you leaped out of the room, leaving two confused boys – with one of them unknowingly shattered.

The next few days were hell.

You and Toge hadn’t talked much at all before, but now, you both pretended as if the other didn’t existed. During class where there had to be pairings, you immediately sided with Maki and pushing Panda to Toge’s way, the latter frowning behind his collar every time you avoided his gaze.

You just couldn’t handle being anywhere near him after that kiss. You feared that your heart would combust and you’d further embarrass yourself in front of him, as if you weren’t embarrassing enough with how excited you were as you kissed him.

Gosh, what would Toge think of you now?

You bet he found you so weird, and your suspicions were only confirmed when he’d resorted to avoiding you as well. No more polite and cheery good mornings! in the hallway or asking what he had for lunch, no more random texting of memes at 3am because you both didn’t have friends outside the institute.

Pure silence from the other side.

It should’ve comforted you – you wanted to stay away from him, right? – but you only grew restless. Your focus dwindled with each passing day, finding yourself at the back of Toge’s head longingly when he wasn’t looking, then sighing as you chastised yourself from being stupid.

To be honest, that kiss only made your feelings multiply tenfold.

Now that you knew how warm and comfortable Toge was to the touch, how his lips tasted and how his hair felt under your touch – you crushed on him impossibly harder than before.

You reached a point where you tossed and turn around in bed, unable to fall asleep; completely unaware that just a few doors down, he was doing the same. It had you thinking back to that day all over again, wondering why did he kiss you? If he liked you, why did he never talk to you? He never even noticed you before and you were always the first one to strike conversation, but because the others were always around, chats were limited, one-worded, and awkward.

That cursed technique of yours was still useless, after all.

“Would you please stop moping around?” Megumi slammed his book down on the table next to you, and you jumped in your seat, clutching your pencil to your chest. “I’m tired of you eye-fucking Inumaki-senpai.”

“Wha – ? No, I wasn’t, what are you talking about?”

“You’ve both been acting weird,” observed Yuuji who stopped fighting with Nobara over who would win in an arm wrestling fight without special abilities: Gojo-Sensei or Nanami. Nobara nodded beside him, stealing Yuuji’s crisp chips before speaking. “You both can’t even glance at each other. All of us can feel that something’s wrong between you two.”

“They probably fucked in the storage room.”

“Nobara, keep your voice down!”

“Why should I?” she smirked, jabbing her thumb to an asleep Toge lounging on the field with Panda. “Your precious crush is asleep. He won’t know. But whatever, what did happen when we locked you both there?”

“You all humiliated me, that’s what happened!”

“What do you mean humiliated?” Megumi asked this time around, and you buried your face in your arms, glancing over at Toge again. He was slumbering peacefully, his body shaded from the sun under the tree, and your fingertips itched with the urge to hold him close again.

“He doesn’t like me,” you concluded with trembling lips, sending one last longing glance at Toge. “And I think I just absolutely ruined everything.”

No matter how much your underclassmen tried to cheer you up, your spirits were never lifted. You trudged back to your room that night, tired and drained from all the events that you just buried your nose in your textbook, studying about curses for next week’s exams.

The words began to blur and you sighed on your seat, glancing at your phone. It was nearing midnight and the dorms were oddly quiet, but you guessed everyone just had a long day.

Soon, you brushed your teeth and moved to retire for the night when three soft knocks came from your door. Your hand stilled on your blanket, brows furrowed at who could it be this time of the night. After fixing your hair to make yourself presentable, you swung the door open, ready to hit Yuuji if he came here to drag you down to the movie room and force you to watch horror movies again when you were harshly pushed, the stranger kicking the door back.

You gasped as warm lips came crashing down to yours, your hands pinned above your hand with just one arm.

You didn’t have to open your eyes to know it was Toge who’d placed a knee between your legs to prevent you from falling; your knees already turning to jelly before you even registered it was him. The familiar taste of something sweet like candy and cough syrup coated your senses and you moaned in his arms as his hands ran under your shirt, making the hairs on your body prickle up in anticipation.

Toge took advantage of your moan, his tongue slipping inside before it clashed with yours. It was too much – his overwhelming scent, his tongue tasting yours, his hands squeezing your breasts tenderly – you were on the verge of falling apart.

Fire burned all over your body, pure instinct dominating your conscious mind as you pushed him back, Toge falling down with you scrambling above him.

He grunted at your sloppy actions of trying to tug his shirt over his head, but he complied, reaching up at the same time you leant down for another wet, heated kiss. The kiss this time around was far less gentle and more urgent; your mutual pining for one another tipping over the edge until all hell broke loose.

You settled into his lap as if it were a throne and he encouraged you to take it, to claim him because he considered you the queen of his world.

“Toge, I,” you rambled after every peck, unable to form a complete sentence because you kept wanting to kiss him. It was nearly impossible to pull away now that he held you so close, making you feel like home and driving you absolutely insane. “I can’t do it anymore, mmhm, I want you so much – always have – I don’t want to avoid you and I just want to—”

He stopped your rambling by grabbing your chin forwards, his lips molding over yours again and dancing with it like two perfectly syncopated performers.

Toge’s curious hands ravished every crevice and dip of your curves as he sucked on your tongue, tasting it fervently like a traveler memorizing his path. You shuddered when Toge’s nimble fingers travelled down to cup your ass to lift you upwards, pushing you closer and deeper into his mouth.

None of you cared about anything anymore. You could barely focus on anything but letting your hands roam free down his chest, Toge rutting up to you when your cold hands brushed over his nipple.

Needing air to breathe, you pulled away first, panting as your forehead pressed against his. You stared at each other, lips swollen and wet from the hot make-out session. You were sure that your adoration for him was clearly evident in your eyes, that your feelings for him sparkled and radiated like the bright sunshine’s warmth he always made you feel.

But that wasn’t what drove you crazy.

It was the fact his expression mirrored yours; only his had lust swirling around his dark eyes, an unexplainable plethora of emotions flooding through them. You were breathing hard and so was he, his soft pants warming your lips that were still sore from his hungry ministrations.

Now was the time.

It didn’t matter that maybe he didn’t feel the same way for you; you liked him so much. Your feelings poured over the glass and your eyes glossed over with how your heart frantically chanted his name, wanting nothing and no one else but him.

“I love you,” you confessed, “I fucking love you.”

To your surprise, Toge chuckled, pulling you forward until his chest was flushed against yours. He captured your lips for one last kiss, delicate this time around as his hands cupped your jaw. You tilted your hide to the side to deepen the kiss, and you sighed while Toge rubbed soothing circles at the sides of your jaw then down to your neck.

“You better,” he mumbled through your lips, “Because I fucking love you too, and I don’t want to play this game of push and pull anymore.”

It was your first time to hear such dominance in his words, to witness such need and possessiveness shine back through his eyes, his lips travelling to the sides of your face. Submissively, you arched your back to him and allowed him access to your neck, head lolling to the side. Even as Toge slowly but surely left little love bites to mark you as his, he was gentle and delicate, soft yet hard, bitter but sweet like the longing you had for one another.

Even as he had you trapped under his arms, his heat nestled into the deeper, intimate parts of you that only welcomed no one else but him; your lover was absolutely delicate.

And you only fell for him harder than you already have.

[latetaektalk]

in love with you | bbh

“you have been in love with byun baekhyun ever since you were children, but to him you were only his best friend. you were fine with that, fine with being nothing more than friends with baekhyun, but when he starts his search for true love and doesn’t look at you to find it, you weren’t sure anymore if you were truly fine with just being friends.”

“or the four times you try to dye baekhyun’s hair.”

genre: best friends with to lovers! AU, semi college! AU, angst, fluff

pairing: baekhyun x reader

word count: 19.021 (i dont know how i did this in six days)

warnings: cursing, bad singing and dancing

playlist: ifly - bazzi, break my heart again - finneas, love story - taylor swift, claudia - finneas

a/n: okay, i wanted to finish this before baekhyun’s bday, but i only realised it was his bday like six days ago. so i basically wrote this all in six-ish days and i haven’t even edited it. but im posting it because its his birthday! this was meant to be pure fluff, but somehow turned out much more angsty than i wanted it to? anyway, happy bday to baekhyun! 

masterlist

You two were sitting on your couch, watching ‘Community’ for the hundredth time when Baekhyun turned his head to you and looked at you.

“I want to dye my hair.”

Your eyes tore away from the TV screen and instead travelled to Baekhyun. You furrowed your brows at him. Baekhyun knew the moment he had said the words that he really wanted to dye his hair and that he didn’t just say it because he was bored.

“What?” you said, confused. Your attention was now completely on Baekhyun and your TV faded into the background, serving as background noise than anything else.

“I want to dye my hair,” Baekhyun repeated before smiling at you. He watched the knit between your brows deepen and he knew you weren’t completely convinced of the idea.

“Okay,” you said, voice wavering a little with worry as you eyed his healthy and luscious and beautiful and full hair, “You mean like dye it brown?”

“No,” Baekhyun said without missing a beat even though he hadn’t actually thought much about it. Instead he decided in the moment. “I want red hair.”

“Red?” you blurted out and sat up straighter, eyes growing bigger at Baekhyun’s words. His lips split into a grin and he gave you a nod, a nod that had you shaking your head.

“Bright red.”

“You sure?” you asked before you reached over to run your fingers through his hair, “Your hair won’t be the same after dyeing it.”

Baekhyun shrugged and gave you a grin that had your heart beating a little too fast. It was sad how easy it was for you to ignore it, for you to push it away because you had gotten so used to Baekhyun having such a big effect on you.

It didn’t take you long to realise that you were in love with Baekhyun. In fact, you knew it the first time he had smiled at you when you two were measly 6 years old. You felt stupid, stupid for being still in love with him after so many years, but his name was just written on your heart. It belonged to him and you had accepted that you couldn’t change anything about it, couldn’t change anything even if you tried your hardest.

Instead of attempting to erase Baekhyun’s name with another over and over again, instead of attempting to burn away Baekhyun’s name, you locked your heart into a cage. You threw away the key to it, scared that if you didn’t, certain words were going to slip off your tongue one day and ruin the friendship Baekhyun and you had built.

“Who cares?” Baekhyun continued and you scrunched up your face, “It’s just hair and you only live once, right?”

You hummed, still very much unconvinced. You kept threading your fingers through Baekhyun’s hair and he let you. For a moment, you thought he was leaning into your touch, but you quickly dismissed that thought. There was no way, no way because to Baekhyun you were nothing more than just a friend.

“You really sure?” you asked and Baekhyun laughed at how you contourted your face, the worry and uncertainty written all across your face. 

“Yes, I really want bright red hair,” Baekhyun said and you tilted your head to the side, pursing your lips into a thin line.

“You sure you thought about this or are you just saying you wanna do it without even thinking about it?” you said and Baekhyun reached for your hand, fingers wrapping around your wrist to pull your hand from his hair. He put his other hand on yours and gave your hand a squeeze.

It wasn’t fair how easy your hand melted into his, wasn’t fair because it was like the universe was laughing at you, mocking you because your hands just fit perfectly, but it was the only way you two fit together. You would never hold his hand, never hold his hand because you were more than friends because, again, you weren’t, not to Baekhyun at least.

“I’m sure,” Baekhyun smiled and nodded to confirm his words. You sighed and you knew there was no convincing Baekhyung otherwise.

“I guess you’re old enough, right?” you just said and Baekhyun grin grew a little bigger at your words, causing your heart to skip a beat, rattling its cage a little. You paid it no more mind anymore. Your heart always just did that whenever Baekhyun grinned at you like that. It was normal, expected now.

“Okay, great,” Baekhyun cheered before squeezing your hand again, “Will you dye my hair for me?”

You pulled your hand out of Baekhyun’s grasp and shook your head, horror settling in your chest because deep down you knew Baekhyun was going to force you to do it and you just didn’t want to. You would never be able to sleep if Baekhyun blamed you for ruining his hair. Too much responsibility.

“Please,” Baekhyun started and both of you knew you were going to give in eventually. You could never actually say no to him, not to Baekhyun, not to your Baekhyun.

“No, Baek, I don’t know how to dye-”

“There are so many YouTube videos and tutorials,” Baekhyun started and inched closer. You kept shaking your head and shuffled away, being too close was dangerous. “It’s easy. I’m sure.”

“Then do it yourself,” you said, but Baekhyun frowned at your suggestion.

“How? Do I have eyes at the back of my head-”

“Use a mirror,” you cut in and Baekhyun frowned even more, knit deepening between his brows. 

“Can’t you just help me?” Baekhyun whined and took a hold of your hands, wrapping both of them into his now, “Be a good friend?”

He looked at you with his big brown eyes and it was then that you knew you couldn’t resist any longer, knew you couldn’t keep saying no anymore. The pout Baekhyun added, did nothing but make it more difficult for you and you hated yourself for being so weak, for being so weak for Baekhyun.

The fact that your heart tightened painfully at Baekhyun calling you a friend barely registered in your mind anymore. You had gotten so used to the pain, had gotten so used to being nothing more than a friend to Baekhyun that it barely affected you anymore. At least that was what you told yourself.

“Fine.”

“Okay, so, looks like I gotta bleach my hair a bunch of times before we can actually dye it,” Baekhyun informed you and put down his phone. You looked up from your laptop and raised your brows, still very much unconvinced.

Baekhyun hadn’t mentioned something about dyeing his hair for a whole week and a part of you had hoped that he had forgotten about it, but, of course, he hadn’t. You tucked a strand behind your ear and your back cracked when you straightened up. 

You had been studying for way too long now and it was taking a toll on you. The uncomfortable chairs in the library certainly didn’t make it any easier for you to stay focused.

“Maybe we shouldn’t do it,” you said, not really feeling like bleaching Baekhyun’s hair over and over again, “I mean bleaching your hair a bunch of times. Won’t it fall out, then?”

Baekhyun scrunched up his face at your words, obviously sad that you were trying to convince him again not to dye his hair. He leaned forward and rested his arms against the table, hands folding together.

“But I wanna dye my hair,” Baekhyun whined and you cringed a little, asking yourself how he could be older than you and how he could be a functioning adult if he cried like a baby every time things didn’t quite go his way.

“I’m just saying, Baek,” you shrugged and Baekhyun pushed out his lower lip as he batted his eyelashes at you. 

“But I want red hair,” Baekhyun repeated and you sighed, folding your arms in front of your chest.

“Maybe just go to a professional-”

“You think I’ve got the money?” Baekhyun said and you pressed your lips together, knowing exactly that he didn’t have enough money, remembering the amount of ramen he consumed in a month just simply because it was cheaper and he had to cut corners everywhere he could.

“I don’t want you to blame me if it turns out shitty or if you lose all of your hair or something,” you explained and tightened your arms around your chest. Baekhyun rolled his eyes at you and you were about to kick him in the shin for it when he spoke up.

“It won’t. It’ll be fine, I’m sure,” Baekhyun said and you were about to voice your complaints and worries when he continued on, “And if anything I won’t blame you. It’d be my fault because I’m essentially forcing you to dye my hair.”

“How can you be so sure?” you asked, unable to understand how Baekhyun could talk with such confidence when neither of you had any experience in dyeing hair before.

“I trust you.”

Your heart rattled its cage and for a moment, you thought it was going to knock it over and free itself and you were going to scream out the three words that had been dancing on your tongue since Baekhyun and you were children, but it wasn’t enough. The rattle wasn’t enough and a part of you thanked the universe it wasn’t and another wished it had been enough because then maybe Baekhyun and you could be something.

You hated yourself, hated yourself for being so fucking pathetic, for getting your hopes worked up every time Baekhyun was being somewhat affectionate with you and you wished you could get over it, stop obsessing over his every word, but your heart didn’t allow you to stop.

When it clicked in your mind that you had been silent for maybe a little too long, you snapped out of your thoughts and focused on the present right now.

“How about Chaeyoung? She has experience in dyeing hair. She did it on herself a bunch of times,” you said, voice wavering just the slightest. A part of you was still shaken up about the possibility of the three words spilling out.

 Baekhyun scrunched up his face when you said ‘Chaeyoung’. The second her name fell from your lips, he disliked the idea, no, in fact, he hated it.

“What’s wrong with Chaeyoung?” you asked, puzzled because Chaeyoung was nothing but nice and cute and sweet. Baekhyun shrugged before his head landed in his hands, his low grunt muffled by the table. Your eyes scanned the people around you and you let out a relieved breath when nobody was looking at you.

“Hello? I asked you a question, Baek. What’s wrong with Chaeyoung?” you said and took one of your pens to throw it against Baekhyun’s head when he wouldn’t respond. It bounced against his hair before falling to the side. 

“Ow.”

Baekhyun looked up and rubbed his head as he sat up straight. His eyes locked with yours and for once, the pout was gone from his lips. 

“What’s wrong with Chaeyoung?” you repeated your question and Baekhyun scowled at you, obviously unhappy about the fact that you had just thrown a pen at him.

“That hurt, you know?” Baekhyun said before he dropped his hand and took your pen into his hand, twirling it around as he leaned into his chair. You rolled your eyes at him and you had to bite away the smile that tugged on the corners of your lips.

“What’s wrong with Chaeyoung?” you asked for a third time and Baekhyun sighed, scowl melting away as he stared at you in complete seriousness. Your heart started to pound in your chest, but you were quick to tell it to shut up, to stop being like that, to stop because Baekhyun and you were only friends, nothing more. You were about to put another lock on it, another lock to the hundred locks you had already put on it in a vain attempt to get it under control when Baekhyun answered.

“She isn’t you.”

Fuck.

“Fine,” you said after a beat, your mind made up. Baekhuyn beamed at you and you could only smile back at him too, seeing him so happy made you happy as well.

“Love you,” Baekhyun grinned and your smile almost faltered. Words almost slipped off your tongue, words that you could never let out. You wanted to tell Baekhyun that he didn’t, that he didn’t love, that he didn’t love you the way you did, that he didn’t love you the way you wanted him to.

“Love you too, Baek.”

You hated that those three words, that sentence ‘She isn’t you’, was all it took for Baekhyun to break the hundred locks you had put on the cage. And almost, almost, your heart had spilled out, but somehow you held the cage shut, somehow held it shut long enough to put a new, better, stronger lock on it. And you followed that lock with thousand more, determined to keep your heart silent and locked away forever.

Those three words were also all it took for you to completely give in, to quench your worries and doubts about dyeing Baekhyun’s hair. From that day on, you were completely convinced, looking up various articles to ensure the health of Baekhyun’s hair and scalp.

At first, Baekhyun was excited that you were so committed to dyeing his hair now, but after the tenth text about the measures he and you had to take before dyeing his hair, he wasn’t sure if he wanted you to be this on board anymore. 

“It’s gonna be fine.”

He had to say those words over and over again until they lost all their meaning to him. Baekhyun started to repeat them like a robot, saying them before you could get a word out.

“Why don’t you tell her she’s lowkey annoying you?” Sehun asked and shoved his hands into his pockets as he and Baekhyun made their way down the street to the coffee shop to grab a coffee before class. Baekhyun frowned at Sehun’s suggestion and immediately shook his head at him.

“She isn’t annoying me,” Baekhyun said with a slight edge swinging in his voice and Sehun immediately put up his hands, obviously noticing the way Baekhyun had said the words.

“Hey, I’m just saying,” Sehun said and Baekhyun’s frown slipped away, realising himself that he had maybe reacted a little too harsh, “I mean you’re complaining to me about her, aren’t you?”

Baekhyun stopped and thought to himself. Sehun was right, he had turned to him to talk about how he and you had just texted for ten minutes to figure out when to dye his hair because you didn’t want to bleach his hair more than once during a day, but you weren’t annoying. You couldn’t be.

You were just worried and Baekhyun was just sometimes a little impatient. If anything, it was his fault for being so impatient. You were just being a great friend.

“She doesn’t annoy me,” Baekhyun said and Sehun looked at him, “She could never.”

Sehun eyed Baekhyun for a moment before snorting and shaking his head at him. Baekhyun raised his brows, not quite catching up with Sehun. They turned the corner and Sehun opened the door to the coffee shop, the bell above the door ringing to announce their entrance.

Immediately the scent of coffee and pastries made their way to Baekhyun and it was considerably warmer inside the shop than outside. It wasn’t that it was very cold outside, spring starting to replace the winter, but the air outside was still somewhat fresh and biting.

“Are you in love with her, dude?” Sehun chortled and a grin pulled on his lips, both of them stopping in front of the line. Baekhyun pressed his lips into a thin line before he let a few scoffs slip, head shaking from left to right almost in an instant, almost like he had trained himself to.

“No,” Baekhyun said and he cringed because he had said it a little too loud. Maybe Sehun was being a good friend because it was obvious that Baekhyun didn’t really want to talk about it or maybe it was because Sehun didn’t notice, but he didn’t mention it, mention the slight raise in Baekhyun’s voice.

Even as Sehun started to talk about what he should order, Baekhyun wasn’t quite there, wasn’t quite listening anymore. Instead his mind was still repeating Sehun’s question over and over again. 

There was no way, right?

Before Baekhyun could shake the thought out of his head and decide to ignore it, a familiar voice cut in.

“Byun Baekhyun?”

It was truly remarkable, remarkable how Baekhyun and you could just decide to ignore things, ignore the questions repeating in your minds over and over again. Maybe that was why Baekhyun and you were best friends, maybe that was why he and you got along so well.

Because the next time Baekhyun and you saw each other, he had the most excited smile plastered on his lips, ready to do this.

“Let’s go,” Baekhyun grinned and held up the plastic bag, containing everything you had told him to buy to make sure Baekhyun’s hair wouldn’t fall out the second the bleach touched his hair.

You pointed at the chair next to your biggest window, papers laying on your floor around it in a circle already to make sure that none of the bleach or dye would fall onto your floor and cost you your deposit. In front of the chair you had put up a small mirror to give Baekhyun the chance to look at himself whenever he wanted.

Baekhyun skipped to your chair and you just shook your head at him. Unlike him you weren’t excited or giddy or happy. Instead you were still worried, worried that you were going to fuck this up even though you have read every online article out there on how to dye hair and even though you have watched every hairdresser reacts to and hair dyeing video on YouTube. In fact, you had done more research on how to dye hair and how to do it well and whatnot that on any other topic.

“We really have to spread this process out into weeks?” Baekhyun asked, shrugging off his hoodie to reveal a simple white tee. 

“Look, you said you didn’t want to lose your hair and that you didn’t mind being blonde for a while. We’ve gotta bleach your hair at least twice to get the red you want at the end. So, unless you want to lose all of your hair, we can do it all in one day,” you said and shut Baekhyun up.

You made your way over to him, picking up the plastic bag Baekhyun had put next to him to sift through the things he had bought. You pulled out the bleach and the mixing bowl with the brush. 

“Can you take out the scale?” you asked and nodded to the plastic bag. Baekhyun picked it up and searched for the scale he had brought from home before following you to your couch and placing it on your coffee table.

“What are you doing?” Baekhyun asked and you turned on the scale, putting the mixing bowl and brush on top of it.

“Making the bleach,” you said and poured the baby blue bleach powder into the bowl before pulling the top off the developer, making sure that you were keeping the mixture in a two to one ratio.

Baekhyun eyed you carefully as he watched you mix together the powder with the development, amazement sparkling in his eyes.

“You’re so good at this,” Baekhyun mumbled and you just rolled your eyes at him, but you couldn’t quite hide away the grin that pulled on his lips.

“Yeah, can you put on some music and get a towel from the bathroom?” you asked and Baekhyun nodded, sitting and watching you for another second before doing as he was told. Your eyes followed Baekhyun as he stood up and walked away and you sighed to yourself.

As Bazzi filled up your flat, you finished up mixing the bleach together. The powder and developer had turned into a baby blue paste and Baekhyun was standing with a towel wrapped around his shoulders, smiling at you.

This my baby This my Look

“Sit,” you said to Baekhyun and gestured to the chair. He wrapped the towel tighter around his shoulders and he couldn’t hide the grin adorning his lips. 

“Hold.” You handed Baekhyun the mixing bowl to put on gloves, not really up to bleaching your skin before ruffling through the plastic bag again. You split Baekhyun’s hair into four same sized sections, clipping the pieces of hair together with hair barrettes.

Touchin' you slowly, love how you hold me I was a player, that was the old me I sent a prayer for something holy Got naked and show me

“Okay, you’re really ready?” you said after you had taken back the mixing bowl from Baekhyun and stood behind him. Your eyes looked with Baekhyun’s in the mirror in front of you.

“Yeah,” Baekhyun breathed out, lips splitting apart into an even bigger grin.

Girl, summer's been lonely, yeah At first, I was hesitant (Spooky) Like a skeleton You 20, but intelligent

You waited for another moment, giving him the last chance to change his mind, but when Baekhyun just nodded again, you shrugged and put on the first bit of bleach. Almost immediately Baekhyun let out a tiny gasp.

“Okay, no turning back,” Baekhyun laughed as you distributed the bleach in his hair, still unsure what you were doing because even after watching every hair dyeing tutorial out there, you didn’t feel very comfortable or skilled in doing this.

Now all them other bitches so irrelevant, ah-ah, yeah Tan lines and some memories (Woo) Guess summer got the best of me (Woo)

You started out with the length of Baekhyun’s hair, not wanting for the roots to bleach quicker than the rest of his hands. You scrunched up your nose when you got the first whiff of the bleach, the smell of it really not sitting that well with you.

Chef B with the recipe, yeah With you, it's a better me

“Who would have thought that one day I’d be dyeing my hair?” Baekhyun said and smiled at you through the mirror. You just shook your head at him and kept your eyes trained on his hair, making sure that you evenly distributed the bleach.

“I guess what I'm sayin', I guess what I'm sayin', I guess what I'm sayin' is, I-I fuckin' love you,” Baekhyun started singing and took the words out of Bazzi’s mouth. Your eyes flickered to Baekhyun’s face and you smiled, smiled as you looked at every centimetre of his face.

His eyes were fluttered shut, words slipping off his tongue with such easy and grace that it was truly admirable. His voice was angelic and you wanted to hear more, wanted for him to never stop singing. 

For a moment, you just focused on Baekhyun, on how beautiful he was, on how much your heart wanted him to say those words to you. Your heart rattled in its cage, fought against the metal bars, banged on them in a vain attempt to get out, but you didn’t allow it, didn’t allow it to win.

You started bleaching Baekhyun’s hair when you realised just how quick it was lifting. Baekhyun kept singing, kept taking the words out of Bazzi’s mouth and you silently hummed along to the melody. The song soon started to play on repeat.

The barrettes landed on the floor with a little bleach on them as you worked your way through Baekhyun’s hair, starting to get the hang of it. And you were completely focused on that, on dyeing Baekhyun’s hair, but when he poked you into your waist, your eyes shot to him.

“Sing with me,” Baekhyun said and you raised your brows at him. Baekhyun kept going, kept singing, but he never looked away from you. You knew he was waiting for you to join in, for you to start singing as well, but you weren’t quite sure.

“Please.”

And it was all it took for you to join Baekhyun, for you to sing along and the grin that spread across Baekhyun’s lips had your heart beating a little too fast for your own liking.

I guess what I'm sayin', I guess what I'm sayin' I guess what I'm sayin' is, I I fuckin' love you (I do)

Your eyes locked with Baekhyun’s as he and you sung the words and you wished they hadn’t, wished that he had been looking somewhere else, wished he had his eyes closed or something because in an instant you could feel this seed of hope plant itself into your chest, watered by every word and look Baekhyun gave you. Your heart reacted immediately and you made sure to put on extra locks. 

This wasn’t your first jam out session with Baekhyun, wasn’t your first time singing with Baekhyun, wasn’t your first time belting out love songs at the top of your lungs with Baekhyun - ‘Love Story’ by Taylor Swift was the song that started it. 

You knew by now that it was stupid, that it meant nothing, that you were nothing more to Baekhyun than a friend, but you could never not get your hopes up. You could never tell your heart not to, not even as it hurt so bad when your hopes and expectations were quenched later on.

“I guess what I'm sayin', I guess what I'm sayin', I guess what I'm sayin' is, I-I fuckin' love-” 

“Skip,” you said, almost commanding Baekhyun to and cut in before he could finish the lyric. The words died on Baekhyun’s tongue and he furrowed his brows at you. “Skip the song.”

“Why?”

You couldn’t quite take the way Baekhyun was looking at you and instead started working on the back of Baekhyun’s head, forcing him out of your view.

“We’ve listened to it long enough,” you lied and swallowed the truth, not wanting to admit that you couldn’t take it, couldn’t take Baekhyun saying that he ‘fucking loved you’ whilst he looked at you and actually didn’t.

Baekhyun hummed before shrugging and pulling out his phone to skip the song. But to your dismay, the next song was even worse.

Hey, you I'm just now leaving Can I come around later on this evening? Or do you need time? Yes, of course, that's fine

Finneas’ voice filled up the air around you and you wanted to tell Baekhyun to skip the song again, but when he started humming along to the melody - his brows pinched together and his eyes fluttered shut - you couldn’t bring yourself to. Not when he looked like that, not when he looked so incredibly beautiful.

Soon enough Baekhyun started singing along, started to make the song his own and soon enough your heart jumped to your ears and pounded so loud in them that it was deafening, so loud in them that it hurt.

So go ahead and break my heart again Leave me wonderin' why the hell I ever let you in Are you the definition of insanity? Or am I? Oh, it must be nice To love someone who lets you break them twice

Baekhyun continued on singing with the song accompanying his beautiful vocals and you slowed down your movements, too busy listening to Baekhyun’s voice to focus on bleaching his hair. Your heart fluttered every time in your chest whenever Baekhyun sang the chorus and you wanted to record him, record him so you could have him sing to you every time you needed him to, so you could imagine a world in which Baekhyun would sing for you because you were more than just friends.

You thought the song was going to repeat again like Bazzi’s ‘IFLY’ did, but instead Baekhyun peeled his eyes open and unlocked his phone, swiping across the screen and typing something into it. And a second later, Taylor Swift’s ‘Love Story’ started playing.

Nostalgia hit you an instant and your eyes locked with Baekhyun’s in the mirror as the guitar filled the air around you.

“Oh my God,” you whispered quietly, remembering the many times you had forced Baekhyun to put on the second when it had first been released. 

“Baek,” you said as the intro started to come to an end. Baekhyun had the biggest grin on his lips and it was so contagious that you could only grin yourself. Memories flooded you and before you could control yourself the first words slipped off your tongue, your voice filling up your tiny living room.

“We were both young when I first saw you, I close my eyes, and the flashback starts, I'm standing there,” you started and pointed at Baekhyun at the latter part of the first lyric, eliciting a laugh from Baekhyun.

You were pretty sure that this song would make you just as sad as Bazzi’s ‘IFLY’ and Finneas ‘Break My Heart Again’ if Taylor Swift’s ‘Love Story’ had such a different meaning to Baekhyun and you. The lyrics didn’t mean anything to you anymore, instead they were just there to be screamed at the top of your lungs, gained their new purpose ever since he and you were young.

Baekhyun started joining you, singing dramatically the lyrics like he was truly feeling all of the emotions, telling his own story.

On a balcony in summer air See the lights, see the party, the ball gowns See you make your way through the crowd And say, "hello" Little did I know

Baekhyun and you kept looking at each other, never breaking eye contact once as the words rolled off your tongues. You forgot about bleaching Baekhyun’s hair and instead started giving your all to sing out the song that was connected with so many memories.

When the song got closer to the chorus, Baekhyun turned to you and just took the mixing bowl out of your hand and put it on the coffee table behind you. You let him and when you realised what Baekhyun was doing, it was already too late.

Baekhyun grabbed you by your hands and started to dance, leading you through your living room as both of you belted out the lyrics. Pure bliss and joy filled up both of you and it was like there was only Baekhyun and you in the world and no one else.

You were jumping around and just singing, enjoying yourselves when the bridge started and Baekhyun let go off your hands to caress your face with the back of his hand.

I got tired of waiting Wondering if you were ever coming around My faith in you was fading When I met you on the outskirts of town, and I said

You had to try your hardest not to laugh, Baekhyun struggling just as much as the song calmed down and the guitar almost slipped away completely. Both of you looked at each other, grins adorning your lips as you acted sad.

When the melody started to pick up again, ramp up to the last chorus, Baekhyun and you prepared for the finale, both of you stopping for a moment as you waited for your cue.

And said: "Marry me Juliet You'll never have to be alone I love you and that's all I really know I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress It's a love story baby just say 'yes'"

Baekhyun and you were practically screaming at this point and it took the end of the song for both of you to calm down, for you to snap into reality again.

“Your hair, Baek!” you yelled out and grabbed Baekhyun by his hand to practically throw him onto the chair. The bleach was starting to drop down the side of his hair and you quickly picked up the mixing bowl to make sure Baekhyun’s hair wouldn’t turn out completely patchy and ugly.

“It’s just hair, Y/N,” Baekhyun laughed, a grin still very much on his lips.

“You won’t be saying that when it turns out ugly,” you said and Baekhyun laughed again. A new song came on, but you didn’t recognise it. 

“That was fun,” Baekhyun said and your eyes wandered to the mirror for a moment. Baekhyun was already looking at you and he was giving you this look, expecting you to agree with him and you couldn’t help yourself but to just do so. A smile split onto your lips and you could see the pride glinting in Baekhyun’s eyes.

“We haven’t listened to that song in such a long time,” you realised, starting to work on the sides of Baekhyun’s hair. The top was done and now it was really just bleaching the sides of his head.

“I know,” Baekhyun grinned, “Why did you think I put it on? Remember how often we used to listen to that song?”

You could only nod at that memory. Of course, you remembered, remembered so clearly because that song encapsulated all you wanted. Your heart yearned for that kind of love, yeared for Baekhyun to love you like that, but you knew just how unrealistic that was now.

“We’re so old now,” you sighed and tilted Baekhyun’s head to the side, “Can you fold your ear really quickly?”

Baekhyun looked somewhat confused before he did as you told him and you applied the bleach on his hair around his hair.

“Yeah, we’re really fucking old now, huh?” Baekhyun said and you could only nod, “But I’m not only talking about our age. In general I just feel so much older now.”

“General I just feel so much older now.”

“General I just feel so much older now.”

Baekhyun and you saluted and spoke at the same time, eyes locking with each other before bursting out into laughter. It was an inside joke between him and you to mock salute whenever someone somehow mentioned a military rank.

“Oh, we haven’t done that in a long time,” Baekhyun chuckled and you nodded.

“Why not?” you mused and Baekhyun just shrugged with a grin plastered on his lips.

“I don’t know, we should do it more often,” Baekhyun said and you could only agree, nodding your head before going back to applying the bleach. “But as I was saying, I do feel like we’ve aged a lot more the past years than even before.”

“We’re definitely different now.”

“Better,” Baekhyun corrected you and you raised your brows at him, not sure if you would agree “Well, I’d definitely say that I’m a better person than I used to be.”

You frowned because you couldn’t remember a time where you thought that Baekhyun wasn’t a good person. ”How so?”

Baekhyun grinned at you and pulled the towel tighter around him before answering. “Remember how I used to date all of these girls in middle and high school? I could never say no to them even though I didn’t like any of them.”

You remembered, of course, you remembered, you remembered very clearly and you remembered even more clearly the pain pulling in your chest. Every other month Baekhyun would have a new ‘girlfriend’ or something and it hurt, it hurt because it was never you.

You knew then that he only dated those girls because they asked him out and Baekhyun was just too nice to say no to them, but that didn’t make it any less painful for you to witness it all. It hurt even more to see him share kisses with them in front of you and that it was according to him the only benefit of having a ‘girlfriend’ he actually didn’t like, the fact he got to kiss them.

“Yeah, you’re right,” you said and tapped on Baekhyun’s hand to signal to him that he didn’t need to keep folding his ear over. You moved to the back.

“No, that was truly awful of me,” Baekhyun said and you only hummed, “Why didn’t you tell me? I mean I kissed those girls and really strung them along. God, I was a dick.”

You just shrugged and tucked a strand behind your ear. “Not saying that it was their fault, but it wasn’t really a secret at one point that you would date pretty much any girl because you couldn’t say no. So, I feel like most of them knew what they were getting themselves into.”

Baekhyun scrunched up his face at your words before crossing his arms in front of his chest, obviously not very proud of his younger self.

“Yeah, but I was still the dick,” Baekhyun said and you smiled at his words, eyes meeting Baekhyun’s in the mirror.

“You still are,” you grinned, earning you a gasp from Baekhyun, “I’m not saying I disagree, but I do believe that some of the girls thought that they could change you or something when they asked you out.”

Baekhyun hummed and thought about your words for a second, music switching to another song you, again, didn’t know. 

“Yeah, but I do feel like I hurt a lot of people. Unnecessarily,” Baekhyun sighed and you stopped applying the beach on him to look at him.

“No, yeah, you did,” you said and tucked a strand behind your ear, “But I don’t feel like it’s fair that you blame yourself. It’s been, what, six years now? It was literally middle and high school. We all did stupid shit.”

“Okay, true,” Baekhyun sighed and you knew that he still wanted to say something, “But I still remember the way Minji cried when I broke up with her.”

You paused and stayed silent for a few seconds. Of all the girls’ hearts Baekhyun would inevitably break, Minji stood out from all of the girls. Because, for some reason, Baekhyun decided to deliver the bad news right before class and, well, Minji didn’t take it very well. Long story short, Minji started yelling and crying in the middle of the hallway and their breakup was a much discussed topic for the rest of the year. In fact, it was named the ‘Minji Baekhyun Gate’ and everybody knew about it.

“Well, on the flip side no more girls asked you out after her,” you said and Baekhyun frowned a little at your words. 

“I guess,” Baekhyun sighed and you continued applying bleach onto his hair before you paused again and looked up to him.

“I wonder what she’s doing now,” you hummed before you worked through Baekhyun’s hair again. If you had looked at him a second longer, you would have seen the blush spread across his cheeks, would have seen the way his eyes grew in size, but you didn’t.

“Actually,” Baekhyun cleared his throat and you raised your brows at him, brush still mid air as your gaze wandered to him, “I actually, uh, ran into her a few days ago.”

“Shut the fuck up,” you blurted out and you couldn’t stop the grin from spreading across your lips, “Did she slap you? Yell at you? Cry?”

“What? No!” Baekhyun shook his head and you shrugged. After all she had done two of the three things you had listed when Baekhyun and she broke up in high school. “She did none of that.”

“Where’d you run into her?” you asked and finished applying the bleach on the back of Baekhyun’s head. 

“Coffee shop. I was with Sehun grabbing a cup when she came in, too,” Baekhyun recalled and you nodded.

“What does she do now?” you kept asking, genuinely curious about Minji’s life right now. Sure, it hurt to see Baekhyun with all those girls, but you never blamed them for it. If anything, you admired them for being so brave and confessing their feelings. Something you could never do.

“Oh, she’s a graphic design student or something like that,” Baekhyun said and you nodded, finding it not surprising at all that Minji became a graphic design student. It fit her well.

“That’s cool,” you said and pointed at Baekhyun’s ear with the end of the brush, “Fold.”

Baekhyun folded over his ear and you started applying the bleach. The music was still very much playing, but for the first time, it was quiet, silent between Baekhyun and you.

And it was then that you knew that he was going to say something, that he was thinking about how to word it, that he was struggling to find the right way to say it.

“Spit it out,” you said and Baekhyun looked like a deer caught in headlights when his gaze met yours in the mirror. His cheeks reddened and right away, you knew you weren’t going to like it.

“I may or may not be going on a date with Minji in a couple days.”

Your chest tightened painfully and your throat constricted into a tight knot at Baekhyun’s words. Your heart, for once, didn’t attempt to break out of its cage and instead stepped away from the locks and the door. It fell to the floor and hugged itself as the tears threatened to spill.

You pressed your lips together and swallowed the actual words that wanted to roll off your tongues. Instead you said what you knew was the right thing to say right now, the right thing to say right now as Baekhyun’s friend.

“Tell me you’re not going on a date with Minji because you can’t say no to her. We really don’t need a ‘Minji Baekhyun Gate’ in college, too,” you said and as bad and awful and heartless and selfish as it was, you wanted Baekhyun to tell you just that, tell you that he was going on a date with Minji because he couldn’t say no to her and not because he actually liked her or something.

You prayed to the universe that Baekhyun was only going on a date with Minji because he couldn’t say no because you weren’t sure what you were going to do if he was going on a date because he actually liked her. Baekhyun had never voiced any interest in actual relationships or love or whatever in his life before and it made it easier, easier for you to be fine with just being friends with Baekhyun, but you weren’t sure if this was going to be the case if he started to date, seriously date.

“Actually I asked her out.”

Your heart shattered in your chest and the knot in your throat tightened so much that it was suffocating you and for a moment, you thought you weren’t going to survive the pain tearing through you, but you never fell to the ground. Instead you kept looking at Baekhyun as he eyed you carefully.

“And before you say something about me asking her out too early because I feel guilty, I didn’t. I’ve actually been texting with her for the past week and I think I’m really starting to like Minij.”

The seed of hope that had planted itself into your chest went up in flames and you almost laughed, laughed because, of course, it did. There was no way it could ever grow, grow bigger, grow into an actual flower.

With your best effort you put on a smile, a smile that hid away all the pain and tears and frustration and sadness inside of you right now.

“I’m so happy to hear that, Baek.”

The plan Baekyhun and you had agreed upon to achieve the red he wanted was that you would bleach his hair for a second time a week after and dye it red then the week following. But Baekhyun cancelled a few days after the first time you had bleached his hair. 

“Minji wants to watch this film that comes out on that day and I don’t wanna say no.”

You didn’t ask how Baekhyun’s date went, you didn’t hate yourself enough to ask. You couldn’t do that to yourself and you weren’t going to, but when you ran into Baekhyun in between classes, you could see how happy he was. His eyes were sparkling, lit up like a city and you knew why, knew it was because of Minji. It broke you, broke you to see him like that. Because not once had you elicited the same light in his eyes before and the ashes of the seed of hope crumbled further into dust.

[Baekhyun - 14:06] :

does tmr work for you? i cant walk around with a baseball cap for another day

You wanted to text Baekhyun that today would work, that you would do his hair at two in the morning, but you didn’t tell him, didn’t because it was just a little too much.

[You - 14:06] :

yeah, after class?

Baekhyun didn’t answer until the next morning.

“God, you look fucking stupid,” you said when Baekhyun took off the baseball cap. His hair was a disgusting and brassy blonde colour and you pointed at the chair.

“I know. I thought for a while that it was fine, but I just couldn’t keep lying to myself,” Baekhyun laughed and shrugged off his jacket, hanging it up before he let himself fall into your chair.

Baekhyun had left his plastic bag with everything inside at yours the last time and you had already mixed the bleach and put out a towel for Baekhyun.

“Thanks,” Baekhyun said and wrapped said towel around his shoulder. You just smiled at him and put on the gloves before stirring the bleach again as it had thickened a little over the past minutes, but it was still perfectly fine to use.

“You know the only good thing about my hair is that I at least know that Minji isn’t with me for my looks only,” Baekhyun joked and you forced yourself to smile a little bigger. 

“Hold,” you said and shoved the mixing bowl into Baekhyun’s hands. The brush fell out of the bowl, but luckily you had put out the papers again and Baekhyun bent down to pick it up again.

“Smart,” Baekhyun said and gestured at the papers and you just silently took the compliment before you started to thread your fingers through Baekhyun’s hair.

“I didn’t really get to look at your finished hair,” you said, recalling how late it had been when Baekhyun and you were finally done with the first round of bleaching, “You literally bolted out before your hair had dried.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry,” Baekhyun grinned and you looked at the small parts that were still black. As handsome and pretty as Baekhyun was, even he looked ridiculous with the black patches in between the brassy blonde.

“Can we get started?” Baekhyun said and your eyes locked with his, not really understanding the hurry, “I promised to go over to Minji’s later. She really wants to see my hair.”

“Oh.”

You nodded and held in the sigh that wanted to escape. Instead, you just grabbed the barrettes you had laid out on the coffee table behind you and started to divide Baekhyun’s hair into four parts.

“Don’t forget the roots at the front,” Baekhyun reminded you and you internally cringed at the black streaks at the front between the blonde strands, “Don’t want you forgetting those again.”

“Yeah, I won’t,” you said and clipped the last barrette into Baekhyun’s hair before turning to the mirror to look. A smile spread across your lips at the sight of it because Baekhyun truly looked adorable with those barrettes in his hair.

“Stop,” Baekhyun simply said and rolled his eyes at you. You just grinned and shrugged before taking the mixing bowl out of his hand and starting to work on his hair. Soon enough Baekhyun put on music and both of you started jamming out again, time flying past in a blink.

“Front, front, front,” Baekhyun said and poked your leg after you had just said you were done. You rolled your eyes and walked around him, scraping the last bits of bleach out of the bowl to apply it to the roots at the front of Baekhyun’s hair again.

“Yeah, I get it,” you exhaled and bent over to carefully apply the bleach.

“Sorry,” Baekhyun smiled and you watched his lips split into a grin, eyes fluttering shut to not get any bleach into his eyes, “I just want it to turn out good.”

“Again, Chaeyoung is probably willing-”

“And again, I only really trust you,” Baekhyun cut in and you pressed your lips into a thin line to hide the smiling pulling on the corners of your mouth. It was stupid, considering that Baekhyun had his eyes closed.

You hummed quietly to the music, applying the leftover bleach onto Baekhyun’s hair. The thought of pressing your lips against Baekhyun’s crossed your mind and you hated yourself for it, hated that you would even go there. But you couldn’t quite help yourself.

Your face was literally centimetres away from Baekhyun’s and you could feel every single one of his breaths fan against your skin, tickle it. Your eyes travelled across Baekhyun’s face and you remembered every mole, every freckle, every scar you would see, making a note to yourself mentally. You wanted nothing more than to press your lips against them, place soft kisses on the curve of his cheek, breathe feathery kisses against each of his eyelids, trail down with your lips to his, connect them with his like you had always dreamt of doing.

But those wishes, thoughts, wants were quickly dismissed, dismissed because Baekhyun and you were just friends and that was fine, that was enough. 

And for a moment, you thought everything was peaceful.

“Do you not like Minji?”

Your hand stopped midair as your gaze travelled to Baekhyun and he peeled his eyes open. He looked into your pupils, searching in them desperately for the answer to his question, but he turned up with nothing. Instead, Baekhyun watched you slowly furrow your brows and tilt your head to the side.

A lump grew in your throat and the music faded away, silence growing between Baekhyun and you as he kept staring at you, waiting for an answer to his question. Your back started to ache and you straightened up, not wanting to be so close to Baekhyun anymore. The proximity grew dangerous again.

“Why would you ask that?”

Baekhyun sighed and almost ran his hand through his hair but you quickly stopped him, hand wrapping around his wrist to pull his hand away. He sighed again - to himself though this time - and you just kept looking at him, noting the way Baekhyun’s face etched into ambivalence as your hand slipped from his.

“I- I don’t know,” Baekhyun mused and his eyes landed on the floor, flickering back and forth as the wheels turned in his brain. There were a few seconds of silence until Baekhyun continued again and in those your heart stopped beating. 

“You didn’t ask how my date with Minji was.”

You probably would have groaned, rolled your eyes and told Baekhyun he was being incredibly dramatic and stupid right now if there wasn’t some truth to Baekhyun’s words.

“And, I don’t- You just don’t seem very thrilled?” Baekhyun continued, hands tightening into fists, “And like, you don’t have to be much because I’m just dating.”

You wanted to cut in and say that Baekhyun wasn’t ‘just dating’, that it was so much more because if he was truly ‘just dating’, it wouldn’t hurt so much. You wouldn’t be spending your nights crying, wouldn’t be spending your days thinking when Baekhyun would inevitably leave you for Minji.

“But- I just thought you were gonna be more excited and interested because, I don’t know- you usually are for like things about, well, I guess, me. I mean you text me every morning before an exam and after it to ask how it went. I don’t know- you’re just always so invested and it was kinda odd when you didn’t text me when I went on my date with Minji.”

It was sad, sad and laughable and pathetic that Baekhyun was never going to connect the dots, never going to understand why you were so invested in his exams, never going to realise why you didn’t text him on the day of his date with Minji.

“And, of course, you don’t have to do any of these things, but I just asked myself if maybe you didn’t like Minji,” Baekhyun finished and glanced up to you, his eyes big and doe like. 

“Baek,” you sighed and shook your head, unsure for a second what to say, “I like Minji.”

“You do?” Baekhyun asked and looked up to you. Your chest tightened and you swallowed the knot in your throat before putting more locks on your heart, scared that you would accidentally tell him how you truly felt about him.

“Yeah, of course,” you continued and let your gaze wander, swallowing before continuing, “How could I not? Minji is incredibly nice,” you busied yourself with the mixing bowl because while you weren’t lying, it hurt to admit all of this, “And talented and pretty and kind. She’s great.”

“Okay,” Baekhyun exhaled and in an instant a grin flashed across his lips, relief washing across his face. When you saw it, you wanted to tell him not to do that, not to grin at you like that because it did things to your heart, things you didn’t want for your heart to do.

“Because,” Baekhyun started and gnawed on his lip, rubbing his hands together as he struggled to finish the sentence. His cheeks reddened and you knew right away his words were only going to hurt more, rip you apart, tear you to shreds.

“Because I really, really like Minji. Like, genuinely. I like her in a way I’ve never liked somebody before.”

Baekhyun glanced up to you and you had to force yourself to keep the eye contact, force yourself not to tear away your gaze. You let a smile spread across your lips, but it didn’t reach your eyes, but Baekhyun didn’t notice, didn’t notice because he was too busy talking about Minji.

You felt like somebody was pushing a knife through your heart, every syllable, every word driving it deeper into it, carving a hole into Baekhyun’s name. It was stupid that it hurt so much, pained you so much because you already knew that, knew that Baekhyun had never liked somebody so much, knew that Baekhyun had never and will never like you so much.

“And I just want you to like her too, because she’s really great and amazing and so incredibly funny and smart at the same time too,” Baekhyun continued and you couldn’t help but note that it only took one date for Baekhyun to be head over heels for Minji. Baekhyun would never talk about you like that, not even after 16 years of friendship.

“Because I really think she and I could be something, you know? And I know it sounds stupid and ridiculous because we’ve only been on one real date. I mean the ones we had when we were teenagers definitely don’t count,” Baekhyun laughed and you could see the city light up in his eyes in a way you wanted them to when he talked about you, when he looked at you, but you knew that was ridiculous, everybody did.

“And I don’t know. I’ve never been interested in relationships and whatnot before, but I do kind of want one now. God, this is cheesy, but I really think that Minji could be it. I mean she’s known me ever since we were young and she has kind of seen me grow up, you know? And she was there for me during high school and I was just a dick then. And she doesn’t care about my looks either because, well, look at my hair right now. I looked fucking stupid on our first date, but she didn’t care. She’s literally the best girl- no person I’ve ever met.”

A part of you wanted to scream at Baekhyun, cry, yell because, fuck, you had done all of that. You had known Baekhyun ever since he was young, had seen him grow up, had been there for him during high school, hell, you had done so much more than Minji had ever done. You had pretended to like his cooking when he first started out, had carried him up ten flights of stairs after he had gotten a little too drunk, had given up your bed for him when he had been too drunk even though your back complained to you for the next week about it, had made him chicken soup when he was sick. And yet, Baekhyun didn’t feel the same way about you, didn’t like you nearly as much as he liked Minji.

It wasn’t fair.

You were the best person Baekhyun had ever met, but he would never realise that, would never because he was too busy calling you his friend.

And your heart felt taunted, laughed at, ridiculed, mocked. It cowered in its cage, begging for it to be let out, but not to tell Baekhyun just how you felt, but to escape the taunt, the laughter, the ridicule, the mockery. 

“I really feel like she’s all I’ve been looking and waiting for.”

You turned your back to Baekhyun, unable to blink away the tears any longer that had been threatening to spill any second. They ran down your cheeks, leaving hot scorching trails behind them, marking where they had touched, burned your skin.

Baekhyun usually would have taken notice of your silence, taken notice of body language, but this time he didn’t. A part of you was thankful because you knew you would break, knew you would spill everything that had been weighing on your chest if he asked you what was wrong, but another wanted to scream at Baekhyun. Was this how it was going to be? Was his life just going to be consumed by Minji and no one else? Were you going to be cut out of it?

You pressed your lips together and put down the mixing bowl, ripping the gloves off your hands as you wiped across your cheeks. Baekhyun continued on, continued on talking about Minji and how great she was and you continued listening, but his words stopped registering in your mind. You just needed to protect yourself like that.

You sat down on your couch, elbowls digging into your knees as you kept nodding your head to every single one of Baekhyun’s words. He had turned around, eyes focused behind you as he rambled on, kept on telling you just how fucking amazing Minji was, how she had been the one he had been looking for, that she really showed him how great relationships could be, that she was the one that had him excited for a relationship for the first time. And whilst you listened to every word, listened to Baekhyun’s rambling about Minji, you realised one very important thing.

You could never be Minji.

You could never elicit the same feelings, same thoughts, same urges in Baekhyun Minji could after just one single date. You could never and you will never. If after 16 years of friendship, close friendship, Baekhyun couldn’t see you more than as a friend, then he wasn’t going to start soon. 

[You - 01:42] :

i know we said we were gonna do your hair tomorrow, but i really just dont feel well. maybe ask chaeyoung to do it? i know your hair somehow turned out worse and youre bothered by it and i do wanna do your hair but i just dont feel fit for it. im sorry :(

You were watching ‘Community’ once again, sprawled on your couch as you looked for a specific episode. You were in need of a laugh and you knew just what episode to watch, but you were quickly interrupted by your front door unlocking.

For a second, you were just frozen, confused and a second later you sat up and turned your head around. You were about to ask who it was when they announced their entrance themselves.

“Hey, Y/N, it’s me Baek, your best friend,” Baekhyun said and you cursed yourself for giving him a key when you had first moved in. At first, it had seemed smart for him to have a spare key in case you got locked out or something, but now you wanted to turn back time and slap it out of his hands. 

“Baek?” you called out and soon enough he turned the corner and you were met with a grinning Baekhyun, baseball cap hiding his truly awful hair. He held up a plastic container and you scrunched up your face, about to ask him what he was doing here when someone else stepped into your view.

“Minij?”

She smiled at you and gave you a wave, the excitement plastered on her face. You barely matched her smile, still too confused about this whole situation. Your eyes kept wandering between Minji and Baekhyun and you wanted to say something, but you couldn’t quite.

“Hey, Y/N,” Minji said and it was odd how little she had changed over the years. 

“What’s happening right now?” you ended up just blurting out, still too confused to really wrap your mind around whatever was going on.

“We came over because you said you weren’t feeling well,” Baekhyun explained and walked over to you, placing the plastic container right in front of you on your coffee table, “I made you chicken soup. It’s still warm.”

“Oh,” you said and slowly started to understand the purpose of this visit. You looked at the chicken soup and you could see it still steam inside the plastic container. 

“I didn’t expect that,” you cleared your throat, cheeks reddening because, god, you had to look awful, but Baekhyun and Minji thankfully didn’t comment on it. Your eyes slowly travelled back to them and you rubbed your hands together, trying to find something to say. “Uh, you guys want something to drink? I’ve got tea.”

Minji looked over to Baekhyun, obviously also a little flustered about this whole situation. He locked eyes with her, giving her the kind of smile you wished you could receive before turning to you and nodding.

Your heart was literally burying itself into the ground of its cage, attempting so desperately to just escape this, to not have to see this and you wished it was this easy. You wanted for it to be this easy, for you to unsee Minji and Baekhyun together.

“Yeah, tea sounds great,” Baekhyun said, “I’ll help you with the soup.”

It was obvious to all of you that you didn’t need help with the soup, obvious to all of you that you could very much just eat it out of the plastic container, obvious to all of you that Baekhyun only said that to get a chance to talk to you in private and all of you played along.

“Okay, I’ll just be here,” Minji smiled before turning to look at you, asking you for permission and you nodded.

“Yeah, just make yourself feel at home,” you said and put the remote on the coffee table for her, grabbing the plastic container and handing it over to Baekhyun when he walked over as you straightened up, “The bathroom is just down the hall, second door on the left. In case you need it or something.”

You pointed into the hallway, incredibly glad that even if Minji was to go to the bathroom, it would be in the opposite direction of your kitchen. Minji nodded and thanked you before Baekhyun and you headed for your kitchen, acting like you were going to do something in there except talk.

“Are you mad?” Baekhyun asked when he closed the door behind him and you poured water into your water kettle. You turned it on and waited a few seconds, listening to the water start to boil before turning around to face Baekhyun, hands folding over your stomach.

“No,” you said and you honestly weren’t sure if you were lying or not. You were still too confused to figure out. “I wouldn’t say I’m mad, but- I’m definitely not thrilled.”

Baekhyun put down the plastic container on your countertop and rubbed his hands together.

“I thought you liked Minji,” Baekhyun whispered into the silence and you groaned, shaking your head at him.

“Baek, this has nothing to do with whether or not I like Minji or not. For the record, I do,” you started, growing annoyed because, fuck, how could Baekhyun be this inconsiderate at times? “This is about the fact that you just showed up with her without asking me beforehand.”

“But I do that like, all the time. Isn’t that why you gave me a key?” Baekhyun asked and recalled the many times he had paid you a surprise visit. Your arms tightened around your stomach, the water behind you starting to boil, whistle. 

“No,” you sighed and licked your lips, “I gave you a key for emergencies and just because you’ve been showing up out of nowhere doesn’t mean I’m fine with it or fine with you just bringing someone along.”

“Okay, but you never said anything before that about that,” Baekhyun argued and you threw your head back, eyes screwing shut as you felt yourself start to get too worked up about this, “And Minji isn’t just ‘someone’. You know her. Don’t act like I picked up a stranger-”

“Baek,” you cut in and turned your head to him, eyes locking with his, “how about you own up to the fact that it’s not okay to just show up at other people’s flat with other people? And, again, this isn’t about Minji. I’d be equally mad if you showed up with Sehun or Chanyeol.”

Baekhyun pressed his lips into a thin line and you could see the frustration build up in his eyes, build up inside him. A part of your heart just wanted to close the distance, pull him into your arms and tell him it was fine, but you shut off that part. This wasn’t okay and you weren’t going to act like it was.

Silence settled and you only turned around when you heard the water kettle switch off behind you. You pulled out three mugs, grabbing a bag of green tea and two bags of chamomile tea. You put both of them respectively into the mugs, pouring the hot water into them until it reached the brim of the mugs.

You could hear Baekhyun shuffle behind you and soon enough he was standing next to you, leaned against the countertop as he watched you stare at the tea bags. You knew he was waiting for you to look at him, face him, but you didn’t feel like it.

Baekhyun sighed softly next to you before reaching over to tuck a strand behind your ear, fingers lingering behind your ear and you wanted to swat away his hand. It was laughable, pathetic how that simple gesture had your heart looking up, skipping and jumping around in its cage when it should stay beaten down, on the floor, there where it belonged.

“I’m sorry,” Baekhyun started and his voice was a quiet whisper, barely loud enough to reach your ears, “You’re right, of course, you’re right.”

You just let out a small breath, letting Baekhyun continue without interruption.

“I didn’t plan this or something. I just let it slip that I was gonna drop by at yours and Minji had seemed so excited to see you again,” Baekhyun continued, fingers skimming the top of your ear, “And she also told me in secret that she always admired you, thought you were cool or something. So I suggested that she come with me.”

Your gaze travelled to him and any frustration had dissipated the second Baekhyun had apologised. You weren’t surprised, you could never be mad at him for long.

You turned to him, hand wrapping around his wrist to remove his hand from your ear, scared that your heart might just combust if you let his fingertips linger a little longer, scared that Minji might walk in and get the wrong impression.

“It’s fine, I get it,” you hummed softly, shuffling a little away from Baekhyun, needing distance to breathe, “Just don’t bring someone over like that again. Check with me first.”

Baekhyun nodded and a smile started pulling on the corners of his lips, eliciting a smile from you. Both of you just did that for a while, smiled at each other and it was all fine for a moment before you remembered something, remembered Minji sitting in your living room.

“You also shouldn’t touch me like that anymore,” you started, voice wavering a little and gestured around when Baekhyun knitted his brows together, “You know tuck my hair away or something like that. You wouldn’t want Minji to get the wrong impression, right?”

Baekhyun pressed his lips together before he nodded, seeming to understand what you were trying to say. You could see in his eyes that he wanted to protest, probably argue that you two were just friends and that Minji understood and whatnot and you were incredibly thankful he didn’t. You couldn’t stand listening to Baekhyun just call you a friend and nothing more any longer.

“So, you said you weren’t feeling well?” Baekhyun started and you just rolled your eyes, completely forgetting before that you had to act sick or something.

“Yeah,” you lied through your teeth and Baekhyun laughed at your simple answer before shaking his head at you.

“Lying is bad,” Baekhyun said and you just tsked him, turning your head away from him to stare at your wall like you had never seen it before.

“I didn’t feel great this morning,” you said and cringed a little because even you barely sounded convinced, but it wasn’t like you were trying very hard if at all.

“But now that I’m here, you’re all better, huh? I’m all the medicine you need, right?” Baekhyun grinned and stepped into your view. His hand brushed against your arm instinctively and goosebumps travelled down your skin. 

Baekhyun had this smirk on his face and you knew he wanted to tease, challenge you a little and you wanted to play along so badly, but you couldn’t. Unlike Baekhyun you were very much aware now that he was dating and that such behaviour between a girl and a guy never sat well with the other person. You weren’t going to risk Minji and Baekhyun breaking up just because he was a little too dumb to get it. 

“Anyway, I’m gonna take these with me and you can-” you stopped to grab the plastic container and shove it into Baekhyun’s hands, “do something with this.”

Baekhyun was about to get another word out, but you quickly grabbed the mug of green tea and the mug of chamomile tea. You made your way out of your kitchen and into your living room, leaving the other mug of chamomile tea for Baekhyun.

“Hey,” Minji greeted you when you turned the corner and put away her phone. For the first time, you could mirror the smile on her lips and you handed her her green tea.

“Hi, is green tea fine or do you prefer chamomile or something else?” you asked, remembering just then that you had just thrown in tea bags without asking what Minji wanted.

“Oh, green tea is just fine. Thank you,” Minji smiled and you sat down next to her, your mug landing on your coffee table. Your eyes wandered up and down her form for the first time properly.

Her hair was now cut in a stylish bob and it was insane how well it suited her. There was still something very youthful about her and you were glad to see that she didn’t lose that spark, that fire burning in her pupils. Her lips were glossy with chapstick and a perfect winged eyeliner adorned her eyes.

Minji hadn’t changed much, hadn’t changed much appearance wise, hadn’t changed much voice wise, hadn’t changed much personality wise and you were happy, happy because you had always liked her. You hadn’t been lying to Baekhyun when you had said all those nice things about her. 

Minji was truly an angel, considerate, kind, nice, perfect.

“Uh, can I hug you?” Minji asked and put down her mug of green tea, next to yours, turning fully to you. Her cheeks turned rosy and you were a little taken aback by her question. Minji and you became friends when she dated Baekhyun, but the second they broke up, you two were back to being classmates.

“It’s just been such a long time, but if you don’t want to it’s completely fine and I mean you’re also sick. Not like I mind, but if you-”

Your arms wrapped around Minji’s shoulder and she immediately reciprocated your hug, hands settling on your shoulder blades like yours had. 

“It’s so nice to see you again, Minji,” you said when you two pulled away. You were seated a lot closer to her now and both of you smiled at the other, obviously genuinely happy to see the other. “I’m sorry if I was a little cold just-”

“No, please don’t apologise,” Minji quickly cut in and shook her head at you, “If anything I should apologise. Baekhyun had just said that it would be fine and I mean I did want to see you again.”

Minji’s cheeks reddened even more at her confession and you could just chuckle, feeling this urge in your chest to wrap your arms around her and never let her go. She had always been so cute and sweet.

“Well, I’m very happy you’re here,” you said and Minji’s whole face turned red at your words, eliciting only a chuckle from you. It was now that you realised, realised why Baekhyun liked Minji so much. She was truly deserving of everything and you didn’t blame him for starting to like Minji. 

It still hurt, there was no denying in it and there was definitely still a part of you that was bitter and angry and frustrated about the fact that Baekhyun liked Minji and not you, but it had gotten a little smaller and was securely hidden away now.

“Can I just say how amazing and great I think it is that Baek and you are still friends?” Minji said and you reached for your mug, gaze turning to her before you blew over the surface of your tea. 

“I guess thanks?” you laughed, a little unsure how to respond. You had to be honest, you didn’t think it was an amazing feat, after all Baekhyun and you had been friends with each other for the past 16 years.

“No, I mean most people grow apart, but you guys have always stayed strong,” Minji explained, eyes glazing over as she started to recall high school, “I always admired you guys. I’ve always wanted such a strong bond and friendship. It was- sorry, is truly amazing.”

“I guess it’s childhood friends for a reason, right?” you mused, taking a sip from your tea. 

“Yeah, but I remember girls being so freaking jealous of you,” Minji continued and your eyes grew a little bigger at her words. That was news to you.

“Were you?” you asked carefully and raised a brow at Minji. You weren’t sure what answer you were hoping for and what you were expecting, but you were curious.

Minji’s eyes jumped to yours and she smiled at you before shaking her head and you knew she meant it.

“No, at least not in the way the others were,” Minji said and you nodded, a little sad that you couldn’t elicit the same jealousy in her like she could in you.

“I was definitely jealous of your friendship, but never the way the others were.” Minji shrugged and you took another sip from your tea and this time the liquid burned on its way down, but you didn’t flinch.

“I just hate the cliche of the girlfriend hating and being jealous of their boyfriend’s female friend. It’s just so stupid,” Minji continued and you hummed, agreeing that the cliche should die in TV and films, “Jealousy is just so spiteful.”

You thought about Minji’s words for a few seconds before letting out an unsure noise. Minji leaned forward, genuinely curious about your thoughts.

“You don’t think?”

You shook your head and put down your tea, scared you would spill some of it on you if you had it in your hand any longer.

“I don’t feel like jealousy is inherently spiteful. Sure, there is definitely this ugly kind of jealousy. You know the kind we see on TV and whatnot, but I also feel like there’s a different kind. The kind that, I don’t know, shows you care. The kind you don’t really want to feel because jealousy isn’t the nicest feeling, but you can’t help yourself but to feel just that, feel just jealous.”

You sounded unsure, uncertain, confused and you were about to dismiss all of your words, tell Minji how they didn’t make any sense whatsoever when she cut in.

“I really didn’t think about it this way,” Minji started, humming lowly as she brood over your words for another second, “But I think you’re right.”

“Wow, philosophical much?” 

You turned your head around to see Baekhyun standing in the doorway with a bowl of chicken soup in his one hand and mug in his other. He smiled at both of you before walking over to you, putting the bowl right in front of you. You looked into it and you were about to thank him when you watched Baekhyun walk around your coffee table to sit down next to Minji, but not without pressing a kiss against her temple.

You ignored your heart, refusing to acknowledge it in its cage and instead started to take a sip from the chicken soup Baekhyun had made for you.

“Thanks,” you smiled and Baekhyun nodded, grinning at Minji and you.

“We weren’t being philosophical,” Minji laughed and softly ran her fingers across Baekhyun’s jaw, “We were just talking a little bit.”

You hummed in agreement, but you had this feeling the noise got lost and didn't meet Baekhyun’s ears. He put down his mug and wrapped an arm around Minji’s waist. She leaned into him and you felt your heart tighten and ache, but you shut it up, refusing to pay it any attention.

“Sure, but like deep talking, right?” Baekhyun said and looked at you for confirmation, but his gaze didn’t linger long enough on you. Instead, it wandered to Minji and stayed there and you could feel your chest tighten painfully.

“We weren’t talking about anything major or worth nothing.”

Your hand twitched next to you and almost instinctively you wanted to do your mock salute, repeat Minji’s words after ‘major’, but you halted. Your gaze shot to Baekhyun, but it was either because he didn’t notice it or because he was staring too deeply into Minji’s eyes because he didn’t even react. His hand didn’t flinch and the words didn’t even start to slip out.

“I’m sure it was interesting,” Baekhyun hummed and pressed another kiss against Minji’s temple. Your grip around your spoon tightened and your jaw locked up at the sight of it all. You kept your head low, gaze downcasted as you swallowed the chicken soup, every sip edging you closer to throw up.

“It really wasn’t,” Minji giggled and placed her hand on Baekhyun’s knee. You wanted nothing more than to yell, jump up and lock yourself into your bathroom, but you feared neither would notice and you didn’t want to have your fear confirmed.

Baekhyun grinned at Minji, arms tightening around her waist and you just shuffled away, inching closer to the edge of your couch.

“Well, I still think it was. You are so smart you can only talk about deep stuff,” Baekhyun said and you wished you could shut off your brain, wished you couldn’t see their every movement even though your head was literally inside the bowl already. 

“You’re literally so smart, babe.”

You thought your heart was going to pierce through your chest and throw itself out of your window when you heard the pet name. Your skin started crawling and your grip around your spoon tightened so much that your knuckles turned white, turned white so much they almost teared through your skin. A lump lodged itself into your throat and you thought you were going to choke on the chicken soup.

“Oh, Baek.”

Minji giggled in a way you could never, in a way that it sounded pleasant, soothing. Her giggle was heartfluttering and you didn’t fault Baekhyun for liking her so fucking much because there was truly nothing about her that you could ever dislike, not even if you tried your hardest to find something.

And that fact made it just so much more difficult, so much more difficult for you to smile, laugh, nod, agree, talk, act fine, act fine when you were dying inside, when your heart was digging its one grave to rest, sleep in.

It was then that you realised it, realised that you needed distance, realised that you needed distance to heal, realised that you needed distance to move on, realised that you needed distance from Baekhyun.

[Baekhyun - 20:42] :

for clarification, can i still pay you surprise visits?

You didn’t respond and Baekhyun didn’t notice.

“I can’t do your hair this weekend. I’ve gotta study.”

“I’m sorry, I promised Sooyoung I’d go shopping with her.”

“Sorry, I just saw your message. Let’s take a rain check on your hair, yeah?”

“I’ve been very busy this week and I wanted to take the weekend just for myself to relax a little.”

You thought it was going to get easier, easier to type out the messages, easier to lie to Baekhyun, easier to avoid Baekhyun, but you could feel your heart die a little inside you with every message, could feel your chest tighten painfully with every lie, could feel yourself missing Baekhyun more and more with every day you spent without hanging out with him, talking, texting or simply seeing him.

Every time you saw him on campus, you made sure to run into the opposite direction and for once, you were thankful that your campus was as big as it was. Avoiding Baekhyun was also a lot easier because you knew his routine, knew his schedule, knew his way to class. 

In the 16 years of friendship he and you had never spent more than three days without contact with each other. He and you had been attached to the hip ever since you had met Baekhyun and both of you had fallen into a routine of being with each other every day ever since. He and you even talked when Baekhyun had been on the other side of the globe when his family went on holiday. The time difference didn’t stop either of you from talking, from calling the other, from texting.

So every morning you woke up wanting to grab your phone and call him up, wanting to jump out of your bed and bang on his front door, wanting to wrap your arms around him and tell him you were sorry for avoiding him, but every morning you stopped yourself, controlled yourself, but you could feel yourself slip more and more with each day without Baekhyun.

You went to sleep earlier in an attempt to forget for a little and today was no exception. Surprisingly, it was easy for you to fall asleep, easy for you to sleep through the night, but this time you couldn’t.

“What the fuck?”

You jerked up and you hit your head on the back of your bed, hands gripping around your blanket when you had felt a hand on your shoulder, ripping you out of your sleep. It took your eyes a few seconds to adjust to the darkness, to realise just who had touched you.

“I’m sorry, Y/N,” Baekhyun whispered even though you weren’t sleeping anymore. He held up his hands and had taken a step back, scared you were going to punch him or something when you had suddenly woken up.

“What the fuck, Baekhyun?” you yelled and took one of your pillows to hurl it at him. He caught it and held it in front of him, for protection.

“I’m so so sorry, Y/N-”

“What the fuck are you doing in my bedroom?” you said and turned to your clock to check the time, “It’s fucking one in the morning. What are you doing here?”

You hadn’t thought that was how your first time seeing Baekhyun in a month was going to go and for a moment, you had completely forgotten that things were awkward between him and you.

“I’m sorry, Y/N,” Baekhyun apologised for the third time now and slowly inched forward. You let out long breaths, your heart still pounding in your chest and for the first time, it wasn’t because Baekhyun had smiled at you.

“What are you doing here?” you hissed, but nevertheless moved away to give Baekhyun some space to sit down, “I thought I told you it wasn’t cool to just show up unannounced.”

“No, yeah, I know,” Baekhyun started and sat down on the edge of your bed, your mattress dipping underneath his weight, your pillow landing in Baekhyun’s lap, “And I’ve been trying not to come, but-”

Baekhyun stopped and you could hear the quiver in his voice. He let his head drop and it clicked in your mind that something was wrong, clicked in your mind that something had happened. And you softened, softened immediately.

You could see Baekhyun swallow heavily in the darkness and you placed your hand on his, scowl melting away to allow for worry to etch into your features.

“What happened?” you asked softly and it was like your question had turned a switch in Baekhyun’s head because the tears spilled, the sobs teared through his throat. Baekhyun broke down in front of you and you were quick to wrap your arms around him, pull him close to you.

“It’s fine,” you whispered into Baekhyun’s ear as the tears continued to spill from his eyes, as the sobs continued to rip through his chest, leaving him empty and heaving for air, “I’m here. It’s fine. Just let it out, it’s okay.”

Baekhyun’s hands grabbed your T-shirt, gripping it so tightly that you knew the knit was never going to straighten out of it, but you let him, let him hold onto you like his life depended on it. You didn’t care that his tears stained your shirt, didn’t care that you spent the hour just holding Baekhyun close to you. 

Baekhyun and you had moved further into your bed at one point and he was now laying in your lap, arms wrapped around your pillow, knees drawn to his chest as you continued to whisper assuring words into his ear, continued to wipe away the tears whenever they dared to spill from his eyes, continued to comb your fingers through his hair.

The silence between you two was never interrupted during the hour safe for your words and Baekhyun’s sobs and hiccups, but he never spoke a single word. You wanted to know what had happened and you knew it was Minji, but you didn’t ask, didn’t push Baekhyun to speak and tell you because you knew he wasn’t ready. And if he never was going to be, you were fine with that too.

So you were surprised when Baekhyun decided to speak up after an hour of crying.

“It’s not easy.”

The words came out broken through Baekhyun’s lips and you stopped for just a moment to comb through his hair before continuing again. You watched Baekhyun swallow heavily, struggling to find the words to capture the emotions and sadness ripping through his entire body.

“It’s not easy with Minji,” Baekhyun said and you wiped away the tears, “I talk to her and we can talk, but we don’t- we don’t really talk. We just say stuff to each other, but it never- It just doesn’t feel quite-”

Baekhyun shook his head and you just let out a low hum, wanting to show him you were listening, but not wanting to interrupt him in any way. It took Baekhyun minutes to speak up again and you didn’t mind.

“It just doesn’t feel quite right, natural,” Baekhyun sobbed and you knew these thoughts had been on his mind for a long time now, laying and weighing down on his chest, “easy.”

“You talked to her about it?”

When Baekhyun peered at you, strands sticking to his forehead and eyes red from all of the crying, you knew the answer, knew he hadn’t. It was Baekhyun after all.

“You should,” you whispered, heart breaking to see Baekhyun like that. You wanted to give him everything, wanted to fix it for him, wanted to heal him, but you knew there was nothing you could do. Baekhyun had to do it himself and he knew that.

A part of you blamed yourself for all of this, blamed yourself for Baekhyun’s state right now. You cursed yourself for not being there for him during this month, cursed yourself for not being there when things started to crumble, cursed yourself for not being there to pick up the pieces and you would turn back time if you could. You would stay by Baekhyun’s side even if that meant listening to him gush about Minji on and on, even if that meant seeing him press kisses against her lips, her temple, her nose, her forehead, even if that meant hearing him call her ‘babe’ as long as it meant that you would catch Baekhyun before the fall.

“I don’t know how,” Baekhyun cried and his face contorted into pain and sadness. You could feel your own tears brim your eyes and you squeezed your lips shut, head turning away to silently drag your hand underneath your eyes.

“Why isn’t it easy, Y/N?” Baekhyun asked you and you wanted to have the answer, but you didn’t know.

“I thought Minji was it, thought Minji and I could be something,” Baekhyun continued and you could feel new tears forming again. You could barely swipe away Baekhyun’s before new ones spilled, not to mention wipe away your own. So you let yours spill, let yours tears just fall, run down your cheek, burn your skin.

“I just want to love someone, Y/N.”

Your teeth sank into your bottom lip and you wanted to tell Baekhyun to love you, to choose you, but you swallowed the words and locked them away like you had done with your own feelings, your own heart.

“Why can’t I find someone to love, Y/N?”

Your vision continued to blur and you hugged Baekhyun tighter to you, wanting so desperately for him to feel all the love you were giving him.

“Why can’t I find someone to love me, Y/N?”

You shook your head, begging silently for Baekhyun to stop asking you because you did, you fucking did. You loved Baekhyun as much as the stars loved the moon, as much as Romeo loved Julia, as much as the Earth loved the Sun.

But it wasn’t enough.

It wasn’t enough for Baekhyun to notice and you wanted to give him more, bleed him more, but you were at your wits’ end. You didn’t have anything more inside you, anything more to offer and you wished you did.

“I’m sorry, Baek.”

“Thank you.”

Your eyes travelled to the mirror and locked with Baekhyun’s in it. You stopped applying the bleach and tilted your head to the side.

“For what?”

You stopped avoiding Baekhyun after that night and just two days later he and you were sitting in your flat again. You were bleaching his hair for a third time because the second time had somehow turned out more patchy and since it would only translate patchy if you slapped the red on, Baekhyun and you decided to bleach his hair for a third time. Hopefully the last time.

Baekhyun smiled at you and you started brushing the bleach alongside the back of Baekhyun’s head again.

“For everything.”

You just looked at Baekhyun and gave him a simple nod, both of you communicating by just looking at each other. It was enough for you both, all you needed.

Baekhyun had ended up staying the night the other day and you hadn’t minded at all. In the morning, it had been admittedly awkward and weird, but luckily both of you had classes to attend. During the day you had arranged lunch with him and it had been quietly established during it that you two would just ignore and not talk about what had happened. 

“Anyway, Sooyoung just noped out of there and went home,” you finished telling your story and Baekhyun laughed along, grins adorning your lips, “But, again, don’t ask her about it. She’s gonna fucking kill me.”

“Yeah, I got it.” Baekhyun rolled his eyes at your hundredth reminder not to talk to Sooyoung about her recent date and you just shrugged. Baekhyun folded his ear over when you got to it and you carefully applied the bleach around it.

You were so busy focusing on applying the bleach that you couldn’t bring yourself to tell another story. And for the first minute, you didn’t even notice the silence lingering between you two, the music playing quietly serving as enough background noise for you.

You moved to Baekhyun’s front, leaning down to make sure you had evenly applied the bleach to his root. And it was then that he decided to speak up, when there was no escaping him because he was directly staring into your eyes and you were directly staring into his eyes.

“Why did you avoid me?”

You froze and your eyes travelled to Baekhyun’s, locking with them in an instant. Your heart started hiding in its cage and you wished you could too.

Baekhyun’s gaze was unwavering and you swallowed, not sure what to say. Your throat felt dry, scratchy and the lump lodged inside of it certainly didn’t make it easier for you.

“And please don’t say you weren’t because we both know it’s a lie,” Baekhyun said quietly and you wanted to give in, let out the truth, but you knew you couldn’t, “Please, don’t lie to me.”

You really wanted not to lie to him because it hurt you just as much as it hurt him when you lied to him. No, in fact, it hurt you even more than it hurt him when you lied to him. Every time you had to, had to think of some bullshit excuse and present it to him, you felt like dying, felt like your heart was withering, rotting away in its cage.

“It was just,” you started, shrugging and right away Baekhyun and you knew you were lying, “It was just not a good month.”

You thought Baekhyun was going to call you out on it, demand for the truth because he had just asked for it, but instead he looked at you and nodded. His lips were pressed into a thin line like he was holding back so many words and you hoped, prayed they would stay sealed shut.

“Okay.”

And that was it. You finished applying the rest of the bleach and Baekhyun thanked you with a smile, a smile that almost reached his eyes and you assured him there was no need to thank you with a smile too, a smile that also almost reached your eyes.

“Tea?” you turned to Baekhyun after he had just finished setting the timer for his hair to process. He looked up from his phone and nodded.

You moved into your kitchen, pouring the water into your water kettle and turning it on before opening the cabinet to your mugs. You almost missed Baekhyun’s steps, the water starting to boil and whistle so loud that the noise was almost drowned out.

I think you're gonna change my plans With those emerald eyes But you don't even understand How much they're on my mind

‘Claudia’ by Finneas started playing throughout your flat and you turned around. Baekhyun approached you with a smile on his lips and this time it was genuine. His hands reached for yours and before you knew it, he was twirling you in your own kitchen.

Baekhyun started singing almost in an instant and you could only smile, could only enjoy his singing. He and you started dancing, but he led, holding your hands and encouraging you to do various spins.

You spun into Baekhyun’s chest and almost lost your balance, but Baekhyun was there to hold you, steady you at your waist, fingers digging into your skin as he sung the chorus.

Oh, I'm in trouble now Come kiss me black and blue Might last another round But I'm bound to fall for you

Your eyes locked with Baekhyun’s and your lungs were left aching for air, oxygen because staring into Baekhyun’s eyes stole your breath away. The words slipped off Baekhyun’s lips with such ease and grace that your heart almost believed them, that your heart started rattling its cage, but you quickly realised it was a song and this meant nothing to Baekhyun.

You turned on your heel, spinning out of Baekhyun’s arms. For a moment, you thought Baekhyun looked sad, but then he continued singing and you joined him. Your heart, however, wasn’t in it as much as it was before, the possibility that Baekhyun maybe meant his words haunting you and taking up too much space in your mind.

We're undercover now I don't know what you do Just know I love it now I'm bound to fall for you

You were making yourself dinner when you heard your front door unlock, but unlike before you didn’t whip your head around and ask who it was. You knew who it was because it could only be him.

Baekhyun had started to come over to your place more often than not, started to abuse the power of the key you had given to him and you stopped minding, stopped minding after he had come to you that night and cried into your chest.

“What’s up?” you asked and turned around when Baekhyun entered your kitchen, turning off your stove because you had just finished your chicken. Baekhyun raised a take out plastic bag into your view and you let out a sigh.

“You already made dinner, huh?” Baekhyun hummed and you could only nod, “Fuck, I wanted to surprise you with Chinese.”

“But you know I always make dinner at 7,” you said and Baekhyun placed the bag on your counter, unpacking all of the food he had bought. You helped him.

“Yeah, I know,” Baekhyun sighed and ran a hand through his beautiful blond hair. It had reached a point where it was truly beautiful, the brassy tone was now completely gone and every strand matched with each other. You had to say, you were proud of what you had done.

 “I just thought that maybe today was gonna be different,” Baekhyun sighed, shrugging before bunching up the plastic bag and throwing it to the side, “What now?”

You hummed and looked at your dinner before turning back to the take out food. “I guess I’ve already made my dinner for tomorrow.”

Baekhyun grinned at you and you just mirrored it, heart fluttering in your chest because of how happy he looked. Your chicken and rice and broccoli was quickly wrapped up in tupperware and soon enough Baekhyun and you were sitting in front of your TV, enjoying Chinese together as you watched ‘Community’.

Both of you were just eating and focusing on the TV when Baekhyun turned his head to you, similarly how he had when he told you that he wanted to dye his hair.

“I’m going to Minji’s later.”

Your eyes travelled to Baekhyun and your spring roll landed back on your plate. You stared at Baekhyun, trying to see how he was feeling, but you couldn’t quite read him. His eyes were almost void of emotion and you really didn’t know what he wanted you to say.

Baekhyun and you continued to date and if you weren’t completely wrong, they had been for a little over two months now. Two weeks had passed since Baekhyun had come over to you, crying his eyes out because things weren’t working the way he wanted them to between Minji and him. 

And you knew for a fact that he hadn’t talked to her about his worries, knew for a fact that he hadn’t because Baekhyun could never. Baekhyun also stopped mentioning her in front of you, probably in fear that you would urge him to talk to her. You wouldn’t, but you were fine with him not talking to you about her.

“Okay,” you said and waited a moment, still unsure what to say, “You can do it.”

“Yeah, no, I know I can,” Baekhyun said and put down his plate, hands rubbing over the top of his legs. You paused the TV and waited quietly for Baekhyun to continue.

“I mean I’ve still been seeing her,” Baekhyun said and his gaze landed on his hands. His voice was shaky, breathy and it was like he just didn’t know what to say, like he just didn’t know what he wanted to say.

“But?” you quickly asked when Baekhyun stayed silent a little too long.

Baekhyun shuffled and folded his hands together. For a moment, it looked like he was going to say something, but then he shook his head and closed his mouth again.

“No, nothing,” Baekhyun breathed out, picking up his chopsticks again, “Just eat. It’s fine.”

You knew for a fact it wasn’t, wasn’t just fine, but you didn’t push it, knowing all too well that if Baekhyun didn’t want to talk about it ,he wasn’t going to.

You shrugged and turned on the TV again, picking up your plate like Baekhyun had.

“Okay.”

You were, once again, sleeping when you felt a hand on your shoulder.

“What?”

You jerked up again and it took your eyes to get used to the darkness. Everything felt very similar and you knew it was because Baekhyun had done this just two weeks ago, woken you up in the middle of the night.

Your heart was beating out of your chest and you ran a hand through your hair, still too sleepy to properly process what was happening.

“I’m sorry, Y/N,” Baekhyun said and you looked at him, blinking a few times.

“Are you okay, Baek? Is everything fine?” you asked and were up on your knees in an instant. Your hands landed on Baekhyun’s shoulders, ready to pull him close to your chest if he broke down again, but this time there was a small smile spread across his lips.

“Yeah, everything’s fine,” Baekhyun assured you and slowly your hands slipped down his arms. You sat down again and your fingers lightly laced with Baekhyun’s.

“What’s up then?” you asked and the sleep was evident in your voice. Baekhyun’s smile grew into a grin, a grin you didn’t quite like because it was different. You squinted your eyes and Baekhyun settled on the edge of your bed, hands intertwining with yours as he squeezed your hands lightly.

“Will you dye my hair black?”

There was a beat of silence, a beat of silence because it took you that long to realise what Baekhyun had just asked you to do. 

“What?” you spat out, annoyance and frustration growing in your voice. Baekhyun held onto you a little tighter like he was scared you would push him out of your bed and tell him to fuck off. His grin grew bigger and you hated it.

“I’m sorry, but can you please?” Baekhyun pleaded and you wanted to shove him out of your bed, but he held onto your hands a little too tight.

“Now?” you asked, turning to look at your clock, “It’s fucking two in the morning, Baek. You are kidding me, aren’t you?”

Baekhyun continued grinning at you and you groaned, throwing your head in your neck.

“I thought you were trying to not come to my flat unannounced,” you said, recalling how the last time Baekhyun had said he had been trying to not pay you surprise visits anymore.

“Oh, please, you love it when I come over,” Baekhyun laughed quietly, “If I don’t, you’d miss me too much.”

Baekhyun was right. You did kind of start to love it whenever he would come around and you would definitely miss him a little too much if he didn’t come over, but you wouldn’t admit that.

“I thought you were going to Minji’s or something. What’re you doing here?” you whined, craving the sweet sleep you had just been in.

Baekhyun let go off your hand and tipped your head back, fingers brushing a strand behind your ear and lingering on your ear again.

“I was at Minji’s.”

You furrowed your brows and rubbed your eyes, not quite understanding what ghost had possessed Baekhyun and prompted him to come over and ask you to dye his hair fucking black. Your brain was still half asleep and you were definitely not ready to have this conversation.

“We broke up.”

Now, you were wide awake. Your gaze shot to Baekhyun’s and you stared at him in the darkness, waiting for him to break out in tears or tell you he was joking or something, but he just continued to look at you with this smile on your face, this peaceful smile.

“Before you ask, I’m fine,” Baekhyun whispered quietly and his fingers wandered down the length of your hair, wrapping said strand around his finger as he continued to speak, “I broke it off and Minji was really understanding.”

You just stared at him, still too shocked to say something.

“And now, I really want black hair.”

You pressed your lips together and you weren’t sure if you believed him, believed Baekhyun that he was fine. It was then that it clicked in your mind that this was what Baekhyun had wanted to talk to you about when you were eating, that he had been trying to tell you he was going to break up with Minji.

“You’ve got dye?”

Baekhyun grinned at you and, of course, he nodded at you. He pulled you out of bed and when you walked into your living room, you were surprised to see that he had already set everything up. Baekhyun had somehow managed to lay out the papers, open all of the windows and prepare the dye in the mixing bowl without you hearing a single sound.

“What would you have done if I had said no?” you asked, putting on the gloves that were next to the mixing bowl. Baekhyun wrapped the towel around his shoulder and smirked at you.

“You wouldn’t have.”

And you really wouldn't have.

“How could you be so sure?” you laughed and Baekhyun’s smirk grew a little bigger when you handed him the mixing bowl to divide his hair.

“Because you love me.”

Your heart froze in its cage and panic almost flushed through your whole system, but you were quick to get it together. Your eyes wandered to Baekhyun and you knew right away that he didn’t mean it the way you first thought he did.

“Whatever,” you exhaled, voice slightly pitchy as you clipped in the barrettes. Baekhyun just chuckled, shrugging to himself before putting on music.

And both of you did that for a while. You dyed Baekhyun’s hair at two in the morning and Baekhyun just sang along to the music every now and then.

“Why black so suddenly?” you said and took up some of the black dye on your brush. Baekhyun hummed and scratched his arm. “I thought you really wanted red.”

“Yeah, I thought so too,” Baekhyun hummed, “But I just realised that sometimes that you truly don’t want something, you just think you do.”

You paused for just a second before you just ignored Baekhyun’s words and continued. But this time, Baekhyun didn’t feel like ignoring things, he felt like talking, opening up, being brave.

“She was really understanding, Y/N,” Baekhyun said and you knew who he was talking about. You moved in front of Baekhyun and just let him continue as you dyed his roots at the front. “I told her how I’ve been feeling and she understood, said she could feel that something wasn’t quite right.” 

“Well, I’m happy that it wasn’t another ‘Minji Baekhyun Gate’ this time,” you grinned, recalling the memory of their breakup in high school. Baekhyun, however, didn’t laugh at your words and just fixed you with a stare, a very intense gaze.

You could feel the tension thicken between you two and you stopped applying the dye, brush landing in your mixing bowl.

“You know I thought about Minji and me a lot the past weeks and I asked myself over and over again what was wrong, why we just didn’t feel quite right,” Baekhyun said and you held in your breath, eyes glued to Baekhyun’s.

“I really wanted for Minji and me to work, but it didn’t and I was really upset and sad about it,” Baehyun continued and you didn’t know what he was trying to tell you, “But then I realised that there was no reason to. Sometimes things just don’t work out.”

“And Minji agreed with me, told me that she had learned after our first breakup that it’s stupid and useless to force a connection, a bond when there wasn’t one. In fact, she joked that maybe that was why she and I got together again. So, I could learn what she had learned after our initial breakup.”

Baekhyun stopped for a few seconds like he was thinking about how to word the next things and you could only continue to stare at him and let him talk

“And, you know what? Minji is right. I’ve been looking for someone to love and when I stumbled across her again, I just thought that was the universe’s way of telling me that Minji is the one I’ve been looking for, but, well, she isn’t.”

Baekhyun stopped again, taking a longer pause this time. He drew in a very long breath, eyes glancing up into yours and you could feel your heart stop when he did.

“You are, Y/N.”

You thought your brain was playing tricks on you, that you had misheard, but Baekhyun continued and quenched all of your doubts.

“I’ve been blind this whole time, Y/N, and I’m sorry that I’ve been,” Baekhyun whispered and his hand laced with yours, “I wanted to find someone to love and someone to love me and I feel so stupid because you’ve been there all this time. You’ve been by my side, seen my worst and you are still with me, tolerate me even though-”

You pressed your lips against Baekhyun’s and it took Baekhyun a second to realise what had happened, but quickly his hands found your waist and he pressed you flush against his chest. Baekhyun straightened up, pulling you closer to him as he continued moving his lips against yours.

The mixing bowl fell out of your hand without you thinking about it as you cupped Baekhyun’s face, but when it landed at your feet and the dye splashed up your legs, you had to pull away.

“Fuck,” you laughed, bliss still filling up your chest as you looked down. The dye had landed all over your floor, but luckily it wasn’t much. However, you were still scared that the black was going to stick.

“Yeah, fuck, big time,” Baekhyun said and you looked at him. You almost bursted out into laughter again when you saw him. Black dye stained his cheeks and it was then that you remembered that you had cupped Baekhyun’s face with your gloves on.

“I’m so sorry, Baek,” you said and quickly took off your gloves, letting them fall to the floor as you started to attempt to rub away the dye. Baekhyun just laughed and took a hold of your hands, shaking his head.

“It’s fine,” Baekhyun said and you shook your head at him this time.

“No, we gotta wash it out,” you said and Baekhyun just grinned at you. You turned on your heel, wanting to lead Baekhyun into your bathroom, but he stopped you. He turned you around to him again and you stared at him, cheeks flushing red the longer the silence lingered on.

“I’m major in love with you.”

All of the locks on your heart broke away and your heart pushed the door to its cage open, spilling out of it to reveal itself. 

“Major in love with you.”

“Major in love with you.”

Baekhyun and you both saluted and spoke at the same time, eyes wrinkling when you bursted out into laughter. You cut the laughter short though when you pressed another kiss against Baekhyun’s lips.

“But I am, Baek,” you breathed against his lips and he grinned at you, “I’m major in love with you.”

“I’m major in love with you, too, Y/N.”

Baekhyun and you saluted again.

masterlist

[vxlkyrieee]

scars and speculation

Bruce Wayne x female reader

Word Count: 3899 words

Warnings: violence, sexual references

Song Prompt: Beautiful, by Bazzi

I thought I'd do something different and convey a younger Bruce Wayne, when he's still sort of a rookie at being Batman. That includes the fact that no one in Gotham knows who (or what rather) Batman is. And the GCPD, excluding Captain Gordon, are kinda hostile to him.

Bruce is completely and utterly done. He sipped his fifth flute of champagne, and could finally feel the drowsing effects of the alcohol. Not that he needed it. Alfred's earlier attempts to touch up the darkened circles underneath Bruce's eyes with powder, were enough to discern that he was tired. 

The past 6 months had been hard for the recently developed vigilante. It had only been an hour into the charity gala, but boy did it feel like years. Years that created a hardened, though exhausted hero with a bat on his chest. Not that the GCPD would call him a hero in the first place. Bruce was, what, only 26? Bruce would complain that he felt well and truly into his mid-fifties. 

The stiff tuxedo he was forced to wear at these kind of events, was not helping either. He would run his fingers through his hair right about now, if it weren't for the gel that made sure not a strand on his head fell out of place. He wishes to be left alone at the moment, silently waiting for a particular guest. He had called her to invite her personally, wanting to delve back into their past tonight. For all he knows, she hasn't arrived yet. He's been glancing at the door all night so far, with no sign of her beautiful face. And she was beautiful. 

The way Bruce remembers her is with her hair braided back to show off her cheekbones, with a smile on her face. In fact, it was the brightest, most heavenly smile he can remember. Besides his mother's of course.

He sighs, and sets down the bubbly alcohol. Just as he does so, a man much older than him, approaches Bruce with his chin held quite high. Oh, God. Not another asshole with a business proposal. He could do without the sophisticated talk of philanthropic plans and economic concerns right now. 

Attempting to absolutely avoid this man, Bruce swiftly spots a woman around his age. She was familiar to him, a regular at his galas and charity balls. Whenever he seemed to be stuck in boring conversations with fellow businessmen, he opted to flirt with her, just to ensure he was steered clear of anyone else. She was brunette, hazel-eyed and pretty-faced. 

Bruce makes his way towards her, readying his expression with a sultry smirk. She notices him and her eyes immediately light up. 

"Good evening,-" Shit. What was her name again? Bruce is too tired for this. "-Miss. Fancy seeing you here."

 She smiles, and doesn't seem to scrutinise Bruce's mistake. 

"Looking handsome as always, Mr Wayne. How are you?" 

His eyes scan the rest of the room as he ponders on his answer. His icy blue eyes catch a glimpse of a hauntingly familiar figure. "Sorry, pardon me," he says as he excuses himself from the conversation. If she looks offended, he doesn't take notice. 

He follows the confident figure hungrily, noticing how her feminine hips sway all too recognisably. The black silk of her designer fabric was cut low, exposing the perfectly etched muscles in her back. Surprisingly, her skin was not as smooth as he remembered. It was engraved by little scars, which brought a tang of familiarity to his stomach.

It had been 7 years since they saw each other, Bruce being 19 at the time. He remembers clearly the voices of (y/n) and her parents, filled with pure hostility, when he had climbed her window and eavesdropped as a teenager. Her mother and father had pulled her into a conversation she was dreading. Her mother had said, "(y/n), you can't continue doing this." 

An apprehensive Bruce, listening from (y/n)'s bedroom window, was already conscious of the subject matter. The nervous tension in his gut made it almost impossible to hang onto the window sill any longer. Especially when his palms were sweating so bad, he had to wipe them every 2 seconds. 

"What? Being in love? And why not?," (y/n) replies, not bothering to look up from her phone. 

Her father answers with a stern voice that could have rivalled the terrifying, booming voice of Batman. 

"Bruce is a Wayne. You know that (l/n) Corp and Wayne Enterprises could never work together. You can no longer continue your relationship with Bruce Wayne. I forbid it. He is more or less your rival." 

But that was not enough to scare (y/n) and Bruce into partition. They were a perfect match. The spark between them just kept burning, the little flickers bursting into modest flames. The warmth grew, blazing in the dark with such ferocity, almost everything in their worlds were aflame. The inferno ripped right through their love with orange, gold and red heartbeats, extracting a heat that they had never felt before. Her fire and his fire clashed relentlessly, but the gasoline soon ceased to fuel the conflagration. They loved and indulged too violently, creating an even more violent path of destruction. As a result of the tension, drama, and unwanted distance between them, their relationship had begun to falter. The media's attention and constant flash of cameras that seemed to linger around the two young heirs, had brought about a plethora of stress and anxiety. This in turn, pulled the two young lovers apart, despite the strong magnetic force that fastened them together. 

The flames eventually died down, leaving nothing but rubble, plumes of charcoal smoke and noxious ash. Their intimacy was similar to a matchstick; lit up in a flash, and burnt down to the end of the stick just as quick. They were a perfect match. Maybe that was why they burnt out.But they were younger then. Perhaps now that their maturity had further blossomed, they would find that spark again, and instead of letting it die, they would tend to it like a fireplace in a chimney. Slowly. Steadily. Appreciating the warmth that each of them brings, like frigid hands hovering over the glowing embers in a hearth.

Bruce continues to pursue her. The clicking of her heels becomes the only sound he can hear, despite the relentless chatter, and the blood roaring in his ears. He's almost running now, a few "excuse me"s slipping from his lips as he slides between conversations to get to her. 

His eyes trace the outline of her body, from the way her hair flows as she walks, to the curve of her pinched-in waist. 

"(y/n)!" He calls out shamelessly, earning a few surprised gasps from around him. She stops in her tracks, that rich, deep voice ringing like wedding bells in her head. It had been too long since she's heard it, somehow sounding several octaves deeper than it once was. 

Her eyes widen, but she quickly masks her surprise as she turns to face him. As soon as she does, she identifies his face immediately, and wow, has he grown up. His shoulders are much broader, carrying a much more muscular figure. His jaw is still as strong as she recalls, but God, he's so much taller. His many years spent abroad from Gotham have certainly paid off. She turns away again, making her way in the opposite direction to him with a little more speed.

She wants to play hard to get, does she? Bruce honestly didn't mind chasing her. He only desired to feel her lips on his skin anew, to refresh his most heartfelt memoirs of her. The way that dress fits perfectly on her tonight is amazing. It emphasised every serpentine curve of her physique that Bruce once fell in love with. Just one look at her, left him yearning for her touch once again. Alfred takes notice of Bruce's desperate expression, and it reminds him of the teenaged boy that he drove to his first date. The one who had been so anxious to treat (y/n) right. 

"Are you alright, Sir? Should I offer a distraction?" he asks politely, wondering whether or not he should have washed Bruce's cape earlier today. 

"No Alfred. This isn't Bat business," he answered, eyes still glued to (y/n)'s whereabouts. 

"Thank heavens. Let's just say the suit hasn't quite recovered from your last escapade in Gotham's sewers," Alfred comments, discreetly moving elsewhere.

Bruce follows her outside, onto one of the balconies, noting how the breeze sweeps through her (h/c) locks. She stares vacantly out into the skyline, her back still turned to the millionaire - or "billionaire," as Bruce likes to put it. Millionaires are so last year. - Bruce had to admit, tonight was quite stunning. 

With the arrival of his long-lost lover, the smokey haze that always has Gotham in it's clutches, seems to dissipate. It clears the way for the diamond-like stars, and the over-sized moon that appears a little too big to be normal. 

"You look... spectacular," Bruce muses. She leisurely spins on her heels to face him, taking in his features with a furrowed brow. "Thank you. As do you," she replies, though her voice sounds somewhat aloof. There is an awkward silence between the two, that makes the particles in the air cluster together, creating a thick sense of metallic edginess. So thick, Bruce could smelt it, and braid the molten tension into a gleaming necklace, that would sit so lovely on (y/n)'s neck. 

"I have coordinated with (l/n) Corp, and have managed to convince my parents to donate $100,000 to your cause," (y/n) blurts; a nervous habit. It was a quirk of her's that Bruce was too accustomed to. 

"Thank you," he replies. "That is very much appreciated."

The vexatiousness that tinged the air, begun to bug Bruce, so he sought to break it. Clear the air and start anew, just as he intended when he invited her. "(y/n). I-I have missed you," he admits. His voice takes on a tone that is hopeless. Bruce is never hopeless. His persona is always perceived as determined, adamant and stubborn. Bruce had anticipated that his confession would ease her protective appearance, and let her guarding walls crumble for him, like they once did. That was not the case.

"I thought you said you wanted to try and revive what we had when we were younger," (y/n) recalls, her voice harsher now. She was upset, and Bruce could tell. 

What the hell did I do wrong? 

"I did. I do," He responds, voice oozing confidence and sincerity. She looks him up and down, quirking an eyebrow. 

"So why are you still having sexual relations with other women? I've heard the rumours, Bruce. I might be a year your junior, but I'm not stupid."

"What are you talking about?"

Her lipstick stained lips pull up in a slight sneer, displaying glinting teeth. "You and that brunette chick. Me being an old flame that you're ashamed of. Don't play dumb with me." Bruce mentally punched himself. In the face. With a brick. Maybe I should've read the Gotham Gazette. He shakes his head and furrows his brow. He bites his lip in frustration, and as much as she finds it attractive, she ignores it. 

He takes one of her hands, wanting to tell her the gossip isn't true. But her words escaped her mouth before his did. "Fuck, Bruce. I can't do this right now. Have fun with your harlot," she spat. 

(y/n) shoves his chest aggressively. It doesn't hurt him physically, but the amount of force she put into that push, lets Bruce know just how she felt about those rumours. And it pained him to know she thought they were true. Just convince her. Apologise.

Unknown to Bruce, (y/n) often spends her nights as a vigilante, just like he does. 19-year-old Bruce's words still haunt her, encouraging her to take up a mantle that he would be proud of. "They need something to fear," he had said. And he was nothing short of correct. So when she pulls on her suit, and it still reminds her of Bruce, she huffs in annoyance. 

But there's talk of a 'Batman' on Gotham's streets. And she's sure it's Bruce. It has to be him. She vividly remembers the day he decided a bat was a symbol of fear. One that could manifest his triumph over the concept of fear itself. 

(y/n) changes into her suit, and goes on patrol to blow off some steam. Leaping from rooftop to rooftop, her shoes make minimal noise, as her dark-pigmented cape billows behind her. Her eyes scan the complex webwork of Gotham's alleyways. Her ears pick up the distinct sound of a gunshot, not too far from her location. She proceeds in that direction to scope out the predicament. 

In spite of the anger currently flowing from her skin in waves, the pit of her stomach filled with pining. She had longed for the moment of reuniting with Bruce for far too long. The constant news of Gotham's playboy and his ever-changing flavour of the month, only left (y/n) to wallow in jealously. He had sounded honest when he called to invite her to the gala. When he suggested starting again. But the most recent gossip had been released only yesterday, showcasing Bruce Wayne in all his womanising glory. And for a minute she thinks the rumours could just be bullshit. Something that Jack Ryder or Vicki Vale forced upon the city that is obsessed with the Wayne family. 

But her obstinance pulled her presumptions back to its initial concept. No, there were photos. And many of them, for that matter. Her mind wanders back, to tug at memories, a certain image being burned in the back of her mind. The brunette beauty smiling, seemingly caught in the middle of a genuine laugh, while Bruce plants a firm kiss to her cheek. 

She soon finds the source of the gunshot, being a middle-aged mugger. The mask he wears implies that he works for Roman Sionis. His build is bulky, strong. But the way he carries himself suggests he's slow. There are two others accompanying him, though they're smaller. One of them has the pistol on his hip, walking up and down the alley in a cocky manner. The other clearly had no hair, the dim streetlamp casting a gleam on his shiny scalp. 

She takes herself through a quick plan in her head; take out the one with the gun, the bald one, then the big one. She leans over the edge of the rooftop, waiting for the right time to pounce.

"(y/n)!" a deep voice calls from behind her. It's Bruce. But this Bruce is different. 

He wears a leather cape and a fearful cowl. The thugs below her, look up at the roof to investigate the mysterious voice. 

"What was that?" dumbass number one says. "Up there!" dumbass number two answers. Great. There goes my element of surprise. (y/n) mutters something under her breath about bats being "stubborn", and "not tonight, motherfucker." 

With a roll of her pretty eyes, she still manages to jump and knock out number one, before he shoots. She punches number two in the jaw, and ouch, that hurt more than usual. She punches him again anyway, and wow he's more resilient than she thought. He doesn't even seem to get dizzy. 

Oh no, number three - the big one - is fast approaching. She uses her cape to stun him, the fabric falling around her like wings. She gives a good punch to number two's temple, knocking him cold into unconsciousness. The big one hasn't come back to his senses yet, opening an opportunity for a beatdown. She delivers excruciating punch after excruciating punch, causing blood to seep from her bare knuckles. He isn't quite finished with, when (y/n) stops, but Batman is sure to take care of it himself.

Just as Bruce - no, Batman - opens his mouth to talk, an officer speaks up from a megaphone. "We're locking you both up! Hands up and surrender!" (y/n) puts her hands up in defeat, but Bruce doesn't give in so easily. He pulls her body flush with his, and readies his grapple gun. (y/n) punches Bruce in the face, pushing him away from her. That's gonna leave a mark. 

The GCPD officer is quick to react. "Don't even try! We've got the whole block and rooftops surrounded with armed men!" Batman follows (y/n)'s actions, surrendering.

***

"Well, this is a nice change of scenery."

"It's a prison cell, (y/n)"

"It's called sarcasm, Bruce." An awkward silence weighs down on the stale air of the cell as (y/n) shuffles further away from Bruce. 

Bruce rubs at his now bruised cheekbone, whilst (y/n) examines the gore on her knuckles. "(y/n), you know those rumours aren't true. I know you do." He looks up at her, his ghostly gaze on her face. Even with a mask covering her eyes, she still looked exquisite. The mask is crumpled up where her eyebrows are still scrunched. She huffs, and as she begins to speak her voice turns brittle, lips trembling in the slightest. 

"Goddammit! Can't you see? The universe is obviously trying to tell us that this is not meant to be. I came back so you would come after me, but I guess it's not me you're looking for." 

Bruce feels bad. He feels like an absolute idiot for making her feel this way. Whether or not the rumours are his fault, he doesn't care. But it's his reputation that hurts her. And he hates himself for letting the press weave lies into the web of his life.

"(y/n), listen to me. Do you think I care what anyone thinks about me? Or you, for that matter? I'll defy the fucking universe if it means we can try again. If we could forget everyone else. Forget the lies. All you have to do is trust me." He reaches out his gloved hand towards her, hoping with all his heart that she'll take it. 

This doesn't even come close to a proper apology, but he prays to God that she'll just give him a sign that she does, in fact trust him. 

She had never, even in her younger years, experienced this kind of poetic fervour from Bruce. He wasn't the type to be head over heels in love. Bruce had always been distant, a little less around her, but nonetheless, he was distant. To think she was the catalyst of this sentimental paroxysm, left her homesick for his heart. She longed to be the centre of his heart once more.

She takes his hand gingerly, though with her brow still furrowed in frustration. It was no exaggeration to say that she was still mad at Bruce. Yet his confession slightly awoken the drunk-in-love teenager she once was. She pulls back suddenly when they realise that someone is watching.

"If you two are done with chemistry class, I'd like to get you outta there. It's been a helluva night for me, and I'm sure you want to get home too." It's Captain Gordon, and just like Bruce, the circles under his eyes are prominent. 

This city's too harsh on it's protectors. Hell, even the gargoyles that watch over Gotham with stony eyes, look exhausted. 

A short redheaded girl beside Gordon - presumably his daughter - gives a friendly wave to Batman, like they've met before. By the way he smirks and waves back, they probably have. Batman nods to Jim respectively, with a heavy "thank you." 

With a jingle of keys, and absence of other officers, Captain Gordon releases the two rookie vigilantes. Barbara, as she's introduced herself, has taken a liking to (y/n), even gifting her a small hug as the heroine leaves with Batman. Bruce manages to convince (y/n) to bear him company, back to the manor. Alfred has informed Bruce that the party has died down, only a few charity workers left to assist the butler in his clean up. So it's easy for him to sneak (y/n) into the house via the BatCave, and escort her to his room. 

He had brought her back here to "talk." Yet the only sounds that pervade the lavish room, is the uncomfortable taciturnity, and the 'clink' of armour plates being removed. Bruce moves into his ensuite and changes into sweatpants, not bothering to find a shirt. He finds a black silk dress, folded over on his towel rack. It was the dress that he had found so ravishing when placed over the top of her body. He takes the dress, and exits the bathroom to take it to her.

She sits on the edge of the bed, pulling off the tights of her suit, her armour plates already scattered on the floor beneath her feet. She looks to him, now only clad in her undergarments; A pair of too-thin lace underwear and a black bra. Her skin was adorned with tiny scars, old and new, scattered like petite brush strokes of scar tissue, glossed over the canvas of her soft skin. He felt as if he knew her flaws like his own scars. 

To anyone else, her battle-earned imperfections would seem ghastly and confronting. To Bruce, it painted her too beautiful for his words to express. Not because he was stereotypically blinded by love, but because it meant she was like him; damaged.

He places the dress on his bed beside her, and watches how she stares at his bare torso for a bit too long to be friendly. He isn't bothered by it. To be frank, he stares at her too. From the valley in her bra, to the way her hips have become fuller since they last met. It was too difficult for Bruce to contain himself for an apology. Did making love to her, count as an apology? He chooses to utilise his words instead, however dorky they may seem.

"You know, your bloody knuckles are sort of beautiful."She quirks an eyebrow and smirks, before supplying a comment just as dorky. "The bruise on your cheek brings out the blue in your eyes." 

It isn't long before the two are choking on their own laughter, struggling to suppress their dying giggles. Bruce was sure that the remainder of party-goers downstairs could probably hear them. (y/n) suddenly has an unexpected outburst of chuckling, before Bruce covers her mouth with his hand, chuckling himself. 

For that moment it feels like he's teenage Bruce again. Not the Bruce who trained overseas for so long. But the Bruce that attended Gotham academy, where everyone knew he belonged to (y/n). The amusement finally dissipates, but (y/n) is still smiling like an idiot. Bruce has that Wayne-inherited smirk plastered onto his handsome face. 

He places his hand on her jaw, cradling her face so that she's looking up at him with (e/c) eyes."I'm sorry. I was wrong. I should've-" Bruce is cut off by (y/n), who is quick to blame herself. "No. You were right. I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions like that." 

Bruce chuckles. "Oh God, please don't start another argument" She smiles, showing off perfect pearly whites. "Now that we can agree on." (y/n) leans forward, and Bruce brings her closer. He moves the hair from her face gently, and reunites their lips. It felt perfect. It felt right because there was no one there to pull them apart. No one to spit lies in their faces. No one except for them. And for now, that's how they wanted to stay.

Taglist: (names with strikethrough means I couldn’t tag)

@bookish-and-shy @avengingnatasha​

[godforsakenmessi]

shout out po sa crush kong pogi <3

— ang pagmamahal ko sa’yo ay parang utang ng Pinas, palaki na nang palaki !

#BongGoLangNangGo #MalandiKaTeh #UtangNgPinasJpeg

*tugs tugs* PARTY KA PALA MUNA BAGO TAYO TUMULOY SA MESSAGE KO

wala pa rin yung message ko empre kakahiya, sayaw ka muna #ShowMeHowToHashtags

—JOKE ETO NA TALAGA

trivia: i’m the first person ever to greet you haha baka September 6 ko ’to ginawa, September 6 pa lang binabati na kita haha tabi mga karibal charot

you na kontrabida: bakit? September 6 ba birthday ko?

me: ang mahalaga mahal kita, ok talo ka na wag ka na pumalag

happiest birthday, i’m your biggest fan.

commercial break: not gonna lie, i have a lot of things to say pero baka iscreenshot mo lahat, sisihin mo pa’ko bat napuno storage mo choz lyrics lang ilalagay ko dito, may kahihiyan pa’ko noh basta skip ad mo na’to charot.

there'd be no song without you.

i got lucky finding you, i won big the day that i came across you

you came and breathed new life into this lonely heart of mine

you might be rough around the edges, but them edges look good

when i’m with you, you bring out the best of me

when i’m talking in every conversation, i can't get the sound of your name off my lips

what's mine is yours to leave or take, what's mine is yours to make your own

i don’t care how long it takes, i know you’ll be worth the wait

and if you break this lil' heart, it'd be an honor

low budget dahil wala pang tayo, next time website na’to charot <3 happy birthday ily! no words can explain how grateful i am to have met you!! i’m sure, tita feels the same way for having you as her son. could never ask for a better partner when i have d best <3 thank you sa existence mo, naiiyak ako a-ano *mic test* i hope na di ka na mahiya sa mama mo HAHAHAHAH customer nga niwawalanghiya mo. gusto ko lang sabihin na habang inaachieve mo yung dreams mo, andito lang ako. yung kagustuhan mo talaga na maging seaman, dun pa lang, walang wala na sila boom panis. wala na’ko masabi basta masaya ako kasi ikaw yung sperm cell na nakasurvive!!! labyu!!

walang kwentang bloopers:

“You’re lucky, Troy. She’s got a voice like mine.”— Ariana Grande

“To be loved or not to be loved. Thou shall not love Messi.”— William Shakespeare

“Troy, happy birthday! Sa gumawa nito, wala akong paki.”— Alex Gonzaga

“Sarap mo tadyakan.”— Apolinario Mabini

“Ginamit mo pa kami sa kalandian mo.”— Utang ng Pinas

“May makita lang akong lalaki diyan sa cellphone mo.”— Papa

“May jowa na ’ko papa, sinasabi ko na para ’di mo na pakialaman ang cellphone ko.”— Messi, Feelingera, 2k20

[early-sxnsets]

Guess I’m Clueless

Archive Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18320510

Word Count: 1906

Summary: Baz wakes up in the most horrendously terrifying world imaginable--one where he's somehow straight. Or, at least, that's what Penny and Simon try to convince him.

Note: happy april fools everyone!!! thank you to everyone who did my survey, and i hope you enjoy this silly lil fic!

“Good morning, sweet pea.”

My first thought as I wake up is “Why is it so cold in here?”, followed by “Wait, is that Bunce's voice?”, with a close third of “Why the ever living fuck is Bunce calling me sweet pea?!” This, of course, lasts the course of a few seconds before my eyes flick open to see none other than Penelope Bunce lounging in bed beside me. She's in full pajamas, and so am I, but I don't recall a slumber party.

“Where's Snow?” I demand, borderline pouting.

“Why would Simon be in our bed, silly?”

Automatically, I snort in her face. “Okay. Really funny, truly is. I'm in hysterics. Now, tell me where'd he go?”

She looks exaggeratedly stunned, jaw falling open as her hair falls into her face. “Baz… are you okay?” Her hand falls onto my cheek, and it takes all the impulse control in my body to not smack it off. Instead, I wrap my index and thumb around her wrist and pluck it away from my skin, watching it drop back onto the bed.

“He must think he's a goddamn trickster,” I grumble, throwing off the sheets and standing myself up. Replacing his picture frames of us is various pictures of Bunce. Well, all but the one of me at graduation. That one's still in its frame, sat up on the dresser.

Bunce doesn't follow me as I stalk into the hall, partially half asleep but still not in the mood for whatever this prank is. To my relief, Simon's stood up against the stove, shoveling spoonfuls of half-soggy frosted corn flakes into his mouth. He barely acknowledges me, just jutting his chin up to my general direction.

“Okay, fine. Haha. It's hilarious, dear. Now drop the act.”

He turns to me, eyebrows narrowed as he frowns. “What the fuck are you going on about?”

“Bunce? In the bed?”

He blinks at me slowly, and I swear I could slap the bowl out of his hands, then kiss his smug look goodbye. “You mean, you and Penny in your shared bed?”

Reeling at the possibility of me being heterosexual, I look back at the hallway then at him. “You can't be serious, Snow. Really? It isn't even clever.”

He does that I'm-Mocking-Your-Eyebrow-Lift-But-I-Can't-Do-It-Right-So-It-Looks-Like-I'm-Having-A-Stroke thing before lifting the milk to his lips, sipping it away. “Look, mate, I don't know what's going on in your relationship, and I support Penny or whatever, but leave me out of it.”

At this point, I don't even know what's a joke or not. Did I hit my head and imagine my entire life? Or wake up in a different dimension?

Or, better yet, is this the absolute worst nightmare possible--one where I'm straight?

I'm too stunned to move, even when Bunce walks into the kitchen and runs her hand over my forearm. “Shouldn't you be getting ready?” She hums cheerfully. Where the fuck is Micah?! “You have classes in half an hour, babe.”

I swear to Merlin, if this is how Bunce genuinely is in relationships, then I give my condolences to the American. “I… yes. I do.” This is fucking weird.

They both stare at me, looking a bit crosseyed in confusion as I must look equally as so, shaking my head and stomping back to the bedroom--Simon's bedroom.

Searching through the drawers, I see that my clothes are where I left them, but all of Snow's wears are replaced by Bunce's. Whatever I'm missing here is absolutely bloody baffling.

As I'm buttoning up my shirt, I take closer notice to my surroundings. Perfume bottles next to my cologne. An actual hairbrush (Snow likes to say that his fingers work just fine, “Thank you very much”). The bedside that Snow usually sleeps on is occupied by an actual book now, instead of the usual gag coffee table flip through.

Dare I say it's neater too. I'll need to give Snow a mouthful of how easy it would be to pick up after himself--wait what the ever living fuck is going on?

I still look the same in the mirror, and everyone else seems visually equal to how I last saw them. Even Snow's wings are to their usual state, as well as the tail that brushes the floor.

When I'm back in the hallway, messenger bag over my shoulder, I take a second to look around the flat. It's all the same, except Snow's belongings are strewn about what was Bunce's room haphazardly. It's not unexpected to see them so jumbled, yet still a tad excessive.

They're both sitting in the living room as I step in, glancing up at me together as I squint at them. “Okay…” I say slowly, testing their reactions. “Bye… love?”

Bunce smiles at me, her eyes closing as she sing-speaks back. “See you for lunch, darling.” I want to gag.

I look at Snow one last time, squinting more aggressively and waving a hand slightly. He doesn't react--like I'm barely there. I sigh exasperatedly before heading off, walking to class with my earbuds in. This… is awful.

On the walk, I try to think of the catalyst to this. It was a typical evening last night. End of March, but relatively nice. Actually, so nice that Snow and I went on a walk, and stopped for ice cream on the way back. We shared a strawberry scoop.

I grab my wallet from my bag, pulling out the receipt and there it is--strawberry ice cream. Which would be strange, given Bunce loathes strawberry ice cream.

Or maybe she doesn't in this alternate universe? Oh Crowley, I'm giving myself a headache. I hope ibuprofen still exists in this world.

What else happened? We got home, then we went to bed. That's all. That is all. Nothing that would warrant a life change--no sacrificial ceremony (neither of us are virgins now, anyway), no killing our headmaster. Just us sharing a bed.

Strange.

Nothing seems out of the ordinary when I get to class either. It's the usual lecture, and I'm out by 11. I suppose it's time to get lunch with Bunce, now. In fact, I don't even have to check my mobile, as she's standing outside the building waiting for me beside a seemingly unamused Snow. Whatever act this is, it proves neither of them should try out for the theatre.

Bunce wraps her arm around mine, and I impulsively jerk away. She frowns until I feel too guilty to not let her, keeping a good distance while she holds. “How was class, sweetheart?”

Fucking hell. “Erm… okay…” I say slowly, trying to get a good eyeful of Snow. He's face-forward, locked ahead as we stroll towards the usual sandwich shop. “As it is everyday, I suppose.”

Bunce's other hand rests on my arm as well, making my face go sour. Dear Merlin, I'm sorry for what I've done to deserve this hell on Earth.

She thankfully breaks away at the shop, leaving enough room for me to slide in next to Snow. He gives me an odd once over, then straightens his shoulders and looks back ahead. That bastard.

After we order and sit, an awkward silence washes over us. I sort of stare down at my meal, hand resting casually over my face.

“Afternoon plans for you two?” Snow asks gruffly, picking at his chips. Maybe I'll fuck with him.

Oh, I’ll definitely fuck with him. “Perhaps I'll get a tramp stamp in the shape of Sweden,” I shrug. “Or maybe I'll just go drain the Queen.”

He doesn't bat an eye, which sends me pouting.

Bunce shrugs her shoulders. “Whatever Bazzy wants, I want too.”

“Oh for Merlin's sake!” I snap, hands flying up as I gawk forward at the empty space in front of me.

They both turn to me, Bunce frowning and Snow looking a tad amused before he wipes it off with an almost confusion.

“What's gotten into you, mate?” He asks.

“Are you okay, love?” Bunce adds.

For a full few seconds, I just stare forward, blinking blankly as I wear a distressed-bordering shock on my face. “Aleister Crowley, what the fuck is going on,” I mumble, exhaling slowly. I don't even pay attention to them, closing my eyes as I breathe.

I swear I hear snickering, but as my eyes flutter back open, they're silent.

I pick at my food, then wrap it back up in the bag I got it in. That's it. Not hungry anymore. “I'm going to class,” I mumble, picking up and going without another word. This day is a nightmare come alive.

I get there about 20 minutes early, sitting in my seat and staring blankly at the wall. I just want someone to tell me I don't have to snog Bunce.

Okay, I want that and to have my boyfriend back, but the former is at the forefront of my mind.

I space out for most of class, and the walk back isn't much better. I plug back into my music and check my phone for what feels like the first time today.

Actually, I think it is the first time today, given I'm just seeing the date now. “Oh those little pricks,” I say aloud, sliding my mobile back into my pocket and taking the walk at twice my usual speed.

After climbing the stairs two at a time, I practically slam the front door open, making Snow jump in his spot on the couch. “You little…”

He looks innocent, a tiny smile creeping onto his cheeks. “Morgana, what's got you in a huff?” He says, raising his hands up. I take off my bag, tossing it onto the armchair as I cross my arms.

“Really? April fucking fools?”

He starts grinning, then laughing, staring up at me as I fume.

“Oh fuck you, you spineless little bastard. Wasn't even funny.”

“You should've seen yourself today!” He wheezes, face in full smile as he scoots over to let me beside him. “Fucking hell, your face at lunch!”

“That was awful,” I grumble, aggressively flopping down beside him while immediately latching onto him, circling his waist with my arms as I tug him close. I just need a proper hug.

“In our defense,” he add, starting to come down from his amusement, “we thought you'd see the date much earlier. When you didn't say anything this morning, Penn and I figured we'd let it go on for as long as we could.”

My face buries into his shoulder, nose scrunching as I feel his arms loop around me, holding me closer. I should be pissed, and deep down I am, but Crowley, I don't want to let go. “You're a little prick and I hope you know that.” I inhale slowly, squeezing my eyes shut. “You really are awful, and I hate you with every fiber of my being.”

“Oh yeah?” He teases, smiling. “Prove it.”

I pull back carefully, wrinkling my nose at him before quickly pressing a kiss to his lips. His hands slide down, holding my hips even as I pull back.

“You're the worst human I've ever met,” I continue. He leans back in for a kiss. I let him, pouting against his lips and speaking once we break again. “Absolute travesty that I have to put up with you.”

“Oh yeah, baby, talk dirty to me,” he teases, smirking as I grab his face and go to snog him breathless.

[rosyerim]

nct 127 as your best friend

taeil

is literally a grandmother

you’re the person he goes to everytime he doesn't understand something slang wise

“y/n,,,mark called me the goat,,,is that good or bad?”

“today jisung called me a bro but i’m not his actual brother, should i tell him?”

also needs you to explain memes to him

“johnny just sent me a picture of a trashcan and said mood should i be concerned?”

“why do you keep sending me kermit pictures, i do not get it”

but he’s the cutest bean alive

hugs you all the time!! hello hug, goodbye hug, i appreciate you hug, all the hugs!!

has the voice of an actual angel

he gets super shy when you ask him to sing but will belt out whatever song you want

also plays the guitar whenever you visit him at the dorms or at practice & attempts to each you

he encourages you to sing with him, whether you can or not not doesn’t matter, he likes it when you two are screeching the lyrics to your favourite song together

loves eating your food, even if you can’t cook, he appreciates it!!

scolds you if you don’t do your homework or leave dishes in the sink, he is a lil granny hehe

johnny

you call him beanstalk so he calls you jack, even if you’re a girl he doens’t care lol, together you’re jack and the beanstalk

sends you memes throughout the day when he has time, he just feels like you have to see them or else he’ll combust

he always messes up your hair whenever you say horton hears a who

makes you tune in to nct night night everynight & will literally quiz you on what he was talking with jaehyun about

always giggles when you hype up his singing voice and dancing

he did’t spend all that time in the dungeon for nothing

whenever you two go out and get separated you just shout “oh daddy” and he’ll find you

almost died laughing when you worse his shoes before, he’s literally bigfoot

has the ugliest photos of you on his phone but he says they make him feel better about himself

but then you just send him his predebut pics and he shuts up real quick lmao

never ask his opinion on your outfit unless you want him to just

*inhale* johNNYS FASHION EVALUATION *exhale*

3am meme wars

literally kills you with his pun, doesn’t matter where you are

johnny, holding up a pie: “hey y/n you’re such a cutie pie!”

johnny, with a bag of candy: “these may be sweet but you’re even sweeter!”

johnny;"if you were a booger i’d pick you first”

johnny; “h-” “say another word johnny seo and i would fucking cut you”

you’re highkey done with him but you don’t know what you do without him

and vice versa <3

taeyong

sometimes you want to smack him because he keeps overworking himself!! & you want him to rest!!! but he doesn’t listen

 so most of the time when he has a day off you just go over to the dorms with takeaway and spend the day watching that anime he hasn’t shut up about

but he loves how much you take care of him (he won’t admit it tho)

he usually comes to you if he has a problem or just needs to rant & you listen every time!!

he loves when you send him random pictures of dogs you see because he misses his own dog ruby

he laughs so hard when you attempt to rap his parts in songs, esp in chain like,,,im convinced taeyong has gills because of how fast he raps

calls you randomly in the middle of the day just because he wants to hear your voice (;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`)

cutest little man alive, if you’re happy he’s happy, always giggles at your puns even if they’re bad

also brings you with him when he gets a piercing, so he can squeeze your hand 

pouts when you say any member is better looking than him as a joke

“but i’m the center,,,(ಥ﹏ಥ)“ then he brings out the puppy dog eyes so ofc you take it back

he’s also super caring towards you and will fight anybody who makes you sad

yuta

sassiest man alive & will roast tf out of you

but its okay you roast him back so your entire friendship is just insulting each other

but nobody else can insult you, otherwise yuta gets angry >:[ & vice versa

judges you when you wear his jumpers because only he can make it look good

makes you watch anime with him but without the subtitles & unless you speak japanese, you’re going to be bored for ages

tries out shitty pick up lines on you they’re for winwin

all the members aid yuta is like a hot pouch so he lets you cling to him during winter or when it’s cold because he doesn’t want his bestie getting a cold smh

then’d he have to take care of you rip

comes whining to you everytime winwin rejects him but also wont accept your love???

teaches you little phrases in japanese and dies when you repeat them but butcher them 

also asks for your opinion on his outfits & piercings

“y/n should i go with the cross earrings or hoop?”

“neither you’re too ugly”

“not as ugly as you”

you two fight like cat and dog but deep down he’s a total softie for you aw

doyoung

another sassy man but only roasts you if he feels you’re being annoying

whenever you’re sad tho, doyoung makes you your favourite meal & mAYHaps you cried at how thoughtful he is

treats you like you’re his little brother

he pushes you off the couch because he find’s your reaction funny rip

but whenever he goes away on tour he always comes back with hella souvenirs just for you

doesn’t let you near jeno because “you’ll taint him!!” but he gives jeno your number as an emergency contact???

he’ll randomly text you that he’s coming over then show up two seconds later & you two end up blasting bazzi all day while he bitches to you about the other members lol

when you cook, even if you’re good or bad, he’ll always be hovering over your shoulder and telling you that you’re doing something wrong, jokingly

then he’ll eat up the whole dish & tell you it was horrible #justdoyoungthings

judges you silently whenever you bring up an ex he never liked but still lends you his shoulder to cry on if you get upset

if you ever call him sad he’ll be over to yours in about 5 seconds with your favourite snack and let you pick movies for you two to watch

sends you random clips of him singing during the day & gets all bashful when you say you love his voice

you got him a toy bunny for his birthday and despite him saying he hates it, he brings it with him whenever he goes on tour & sleeps w it :’)

jaehyun

marine boy

glares at you every time you call him jeffery

you always ask him wtf is his skincare routine but he just laughs & says “perish :)”

sings you to sleep with his voice actually from HEAVEN because you called him when you had a bad dream & he’s hella smug because you trust him that much(▰˘◡˘▰)

doesn’t get annoyed when you poke his dimple, he’s find its cute how you find it cute which you find cute and you’re both just C U T E

encourages you to tune in to nct night night but will highkey be sad if you don’t 

you two always stay up super late talking to each other on the phone because his voice is so soothing and he thinks the same about you until one of you end up falling asleep like (´﹃｀)

he has so many screenshots of you fast asleep on facetime and he sets the funniest one as his lockscreen, so when hes away he can look at it & remember you’re there for him (⺣◡⺣)♡

lets you borrow his jumpers but only if you really need it like he’s not giving you his tommy hilfiger jacket unless you forgot your own jacket and its -374873 degrees outside lol

also p cuddly with you since he’s so comfortable around you

like you’d just be chilling at the dorms and he’ll lay his head down on your lap & you’ll start running your hand through his hair as he dozes off

or when you two go out to eat he’ll loop his arm your shoulders whilst you walk & wouldn’t even bat an eyelid

you two get mistaken for a couple so much you end up just shrugging it off because lol their opinion doesn’t matter

your friendship is important to each other all thats all that really matters

winwin

only likes getting dotted on by you

when the other members yuta smother him with love hes just ( ¬_¬)

but when you do, he’s like (ღ˘⌣˘ღ)

he attempts to teach you his wushu skills and his cool flexible tricks but you just end up dislocating something lol

he ends up switching to chinese whenever he rants to you & unless you speak chinese you’re basically listening to an angry winwin for about 20 mins

but so long as he gets it off his chest you don’t mind :))

do not let the boy near a kitchen he will literally set it on fire

for your birthday he tried making moon cakes but ended up burning his hand (つ﹏<。)

but you still appreciated the thought & he bought you take away 

he gets a bit down sometimes because of how little lines he has & sometimes he thinks he’s voice isnt that good but you reassure him every time that his voice!!is amazing!!! sm just need to get their shit together sm more like smh

he loves it when you speak to him in chinese, it makes him feel so at home awe

likes to fall asleep on you because you’re the most comfortable thing to him

doesn’t matter where or when because to him

your lap= free real estate

you two also get mistaken for a couple sometimes but winwin just nods hugs you close to prove his point & you two always die from laughter afterwards

he always listens to you though so whenver winwin is moody, taeyong calls you to give out to him so he goes from (-`д´-) to (￣^￣)ゞ real quick

winwin loves you & you love him too

jungwoo

softest boy 

whenever you meet up with him you don’t say hi, you just do his part from boss then he walks away from you lol

you always encourage him to speak up, esp. when he’s with a bunch of people

since he has a habit of copying what people say you say the most complicated words in english

“superkajafrjalisticaxosjdapefwfnls”

“super fuck off y/n”

your entire friendship consists of either eating at your place or eating out at some random all you can eat buffet

super supportive of you even when you do stupid things, you look over at him and hes just d(￣▽￣o) “you do you y/n”

sends you selfies of him so you can fawn over his beauty & tell him which pose suits him best

claps like a seal whenever you say something funny but gets pouty when you make fun of it

super affectionate with you & glares at anybody who comments on it, like jungwoo just wants to be close with his bestie, is that wrong?

is lowkey protective of you like if he thinks lucas is tryna make a move, jungwoo will swoop tf in and whisk you away to the safety of his room

you two end up cuddle under the blankets watching his favorite movie & he ends up dozing off

does aegyo whenever you get mad at him so you can’t really stay mad, he’s just too cute

mark

always goes to your first whenever he writes a rap because he values your opinion a lot & you’re honest with him

lots of inside jokes which just consists of you two giggling to each other randomly

needs you to tell him to take a break because of how much he works

if he doesn’t listen you threaten to feed him sour candy

but you’re super duper proud of your canadian bestie, when he preforms on stage you’re deadass in the crowd like

“thats my bEST FRIEND!!!(´⌣`ʃƪ)“

pouts when he tries to call you & you don’t pick up 

he wanted to tell you about the fluffy dog he saw a minute ago!!

but texts you nonetheless & you wake up to 36 messages describing the texture of the dogs fur and how it barked

but you loved how weird mark was, the weirder he was the more comfortable he was and it was just so cute

doesn't care if you steal his jumpers, he has about 300 but will not let you touch his caps, they are his prized possessions 

he doesn’t even try roast you because of how many memes of him you can send back 

you always tell him how much you miss his ramen hair 

he laughs at anything so you could literally cough and he’d cry from laughing but thats what makes him so endearing

you call him seagull boy to annoy him & it works lol

gets shy when you watch his dance at practice & ends up making mistakes but nobody is mad about it hehe

you also refer to him as long ass ride boy or sing sang sung boy 

he threatens to block you irl 

tries to teach you how to play guitar but you end up purposefully messing it up and he cringes so badly lol

but mark is your best friend and nothing will change that

haechan

he is That Bitch

always comes to you first when he has tea on the members

“y/n bitCH, mArk actually flirted w winwin infront of me, i’m cancelling him smh”

random dance competitions at 4 in the morning are a must, he always ends up beating you （πーπ）

also snaps you selfies of him randomly because he wants you to hype him up

which you do obviously

also texts you almost everyday & keeps you updated on what hes doing

“i’m at a cafe w my hyungs tday!!”

“omg i have a shoot @5am​ i’m going to d i e”

“come over and make me ramen pesant”

buT he looooves when you baby him

before you leave the dorms after hanging out, he makes you tuck him in & give him a lil smooch on the forehead goodnight awee ( ˘ ³˘)

but would die if you ever told his hyungs s you swear not too plus it’s good blackmail for you hehe

you always say “ohmgod its michael jackson hehe” whenever you two meet up and homeboy loves it so he moonwalks over to you

he’ll randomly challenge you to singing competitions of who can hit the highest note haechan and whose voice will break first yours

also cuddles with you all the times, you’re his personal teddy bear & will snap back at the members if they try comment on it

“you’re just mad nobody will let you touch them mark”

the most savage best friend but only lets you baby him aw

[excalisbury]

I thought this was Bat Baz crack @bazzybelle 😂 because these are all very Bazzy lines anyway, so. Like literally is the first one a canonical Baz line??

secret thoughts of flying animals 

[azsazz]

Your azriel writing is SO FUCKING GOOD!!!!!!!! You’re amazing! I’m so down for everything you write. I would love to see some more baby bat fics too!!! Baz would be such a good story! Love you!!!

THANK YOU 🙏🏻 Azriel is my life and has been since I started this blog idec (but now I’m down bad for everyone what is wrong with me they’re FICTIONAL ki 😪) at least I have you guys 💙

Bazzy 🥹 I’ll see what I can do 💙

Also been thinking about small town cass again 👀 I have an idea so hopefully that will come to fruition 🤞🏻

[laurendwarddd]

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

Rita 🤤

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

Definitely outgoing!

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

My girlfriend when she gets home in 1 hour 😍

4. Are you easy to get along with?

Yeah I am, I try to make everyone comfortable!

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

No because she’d be too drunk and encouraging me to drink more.

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

Apparently idiots, but currently attracted to anything to do with her.

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

I’m already in a relationship 🥴

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

My boss, he’s a dick.

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

All Rita does is talk about so I have to learn to be okay with it 😂

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

Rita!

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

‘My brain is fried’ - Rita

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

Lonely hearts - 5sos

Renee’s song - Bazzi

Without Fear - Dermot Kennedy

Dont start now - Dua Lipa

Not the same way - 5sos

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

I miss Rita having fake nails for this purpose!

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

Sometimes, but I also believe you have to make your own luck.

15. What good thing happened this summer?

I explored a lot with Rita, went a small hike with her and then went to Bali!

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

Well she as soon as she gets home I would hope that’s what I’m doing.

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

Absolutely!

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

I don’t even know who that is

19. Do you like bubble baths?

Depends on the mood

20. Do you like your neighbors?

I don’t know them

21. What are you bad habits?

I leave wet towels on the bed (don’t be mad Rita)

22. Where would you like to travel?

Thailand, and then Spain!

23. Do you have trust issues?

I did, but not anymore, I know who I can and can’t trust and I’m very lucky.

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

... Seeing Rita, falling asleep with Rita, eating with Rita, is it inappropriate if I say having sex with Rita?

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

My belly button

26. What do you do when you wake up?

Usually cuddle up to Rita then make coffee

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

Darker!

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

Tegan and Rita

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

A few, but I’m friends with most of them now.

30. Do you ever want to get married?

Absolutely!

31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?

Just

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

Nobody honestly

33. Spell your name with your chin.

nope

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

Nope

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

Tv

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

No, I’m not afraid of sharing my feelings.

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

I usually ramble

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

Long brown hair, deep brown eyes, small and soft hands, beautiful lips, small in height, witty, smart, funny, and her name is Rita.

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

I’d say general pants

40. What do you want to do after high school?

I’m out of High school and definitely not doing what I wanted.

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

Depends on the situation.

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

Im tired or super angry.

43. Do you smile at strangers?

Always. It’s the only language everyone understands.

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

Bottom of the ocean for sure

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

If it’s not Rita it’s my job

46. What are you paranoid about?

I get super paranoid about the dark

47. Have you ever been high?

Like last week

48. Have you ever been drunk?

Last weekend

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

Nope, everyone knows everything.

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?black

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

Nope my life is very good

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

How much I care

53. Favourite makeup brand?

Idk tbh

54. Favourite store?

General Pants or Thrills

55. Favourite blog?

Mm anything positive

56. Favourite colour?

Normally red but it’s actually pastel blue now

57. Favourite food? Thai

58. Last thing you ate? Fruit

59. First thing you ate this morning? Fruit

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

Always!

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

Too much of a long strory hahah

62. Been arrested? For what?

N/A

63. Ever been in love?

I am right now 🤤😍

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

Can I tell you the story of my first kiss with my girlfriend? Well it was a while ago, we’d gone out to dinner/drinks at the cove in Patterson Lakes, and I’d driven her home from our first date and as I hugged her goodbye I kissed her, she then proceeded to walk away and trip. 😳

65. Are you hungry right now?

Nooe

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

No way

67. Facebook or Twitter?

Facebook not that I have it anymore.

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

Tumblr.

69. Are you watching tv right now?

No I’m in bed reading.

70. Names of your bestfriends?

Tegan and Jasmine

71. Craving something? What?

I want curry.

72. What colour are your towels?

Blue

72. How many pillows do you sleep with? 3 because I have to have melman

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

Does melman count?

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

Maybe 2-3?

75. Favourite animal?

A sloth or a bat

76. What colour is your underwear?

Black

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

Chocolate

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

Ew

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

White

80. What colour pants? White

81. Favourite tv show? I don’t know, I like them all.

82. Favourite movie? Moulin Rouge

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? Mean Girls

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? 21 jump street

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

Idk 🥴

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

Definitely Dory

87. First person you talked to today?

Rita!

88. Last person you talked to today?

Rita. We literally talk 90% of the day

89. Name a person you hate?

I only hate one person but I won’t name them

90. Name a person you love?

Rita

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

Yes holy wow yes

92. In a fight with someone?

No, because a fight would require any kind of care and I have none.

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

A billion

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

A few

95. Last movie you watched?

Something with Rita

96. Favourite actress?

Nicole Kidman

97. Favourite actor?

Chris Evans

98. Do you tan a lot?

No 😂

99. Have any pets?

I have two dogs and a cat!

100. How are you feeling?

Really good, I let go of some baggage today and finally realised what I have in front of me.

101. Do you type fast?

Yeah I do

102. Do you regret anything from your past? Only the last year hahaha except I wouldn’t have met Rita so I don’t know!

103. Can you spell well?

Yeah except I rely on autocorrect to much

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

Of course

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

Yes

106. Ever broken someone’s heart? Sure

107. Have you ever been on a horse? Yesss

108. What should you be doing? Literally nothing, I’m wrecked

109. Is something irritating you right now? Nope

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? Not really, I’ve never been in love until now with Rita

111. Do you have trust issues? Not anymore

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? rita

113. What was your childhood nickname? Loz

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?yes

115. Do you play the Wii? No

116. Are you listening to music right now? No

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? No

118. Do you like Chinese food? Yes

119. Favourite book? Anything bau tauplin

120. Are you afraid of the dark? Yes

121. Are you mean? Yes

122. Is cheating ever okay? No

123. Can you keep white shoes clean? Nope

124. Do you believe in love at first sight? Nope

125. Do you believe in true love? Yes

126. Are you currently bored? No

127. What makes you happy? anything to do with Rita

128. Would you change your name? No way

129. What your zodiac sign? Aquarius

130. Do you like subway? Yummy

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? Laugh cause he’s gay

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? Rita

133. Favourite lyrics right now? Not really

134. Can you count to one million? I’d get bored real quick

135. Dumbest lie you ever told? I love you

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? Depends on whose home

137. How tall are you? Midget sized

138. Curly or Straight hair? Both

139. Brunette or Blonde? Both

140. Summer or Winter? Summer for sure

141. Night or Day? Day

142. Favourite month? January

143. Are you a vegetarian? Yes

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? Milk

145. Tea or Coffee? Coffee

146. Was today a good day? It surprisingly was, off to a rough start but it’s going to end well

147. Mars or Snickers? Snickers

[luvdsc]

I'm super indescive but right now I'm obsessed with boom, love song, and sit down

Oh my god a big HECK YES to all three of those songs!!!! boom sounded sooo good and it was composed by bazzi so I’m extra hyped for it, and love song omg right off the bat with taeil then hyuck then doyoung singing— immediately BIG HEART EYES. And sit down is such a banger already, I live for mark and taeyong’s raps shxisojdkxlx

did you have a favorite mv concept? I really liked the one for not alone :’) I thought it was super cute! 💓 (and also doyoung hittin’ us with the college bf look in love me now)

[deadcactuswalking]

I’M UPSET - THE TOP TEN WORST HIT SONGS OF 2018

The popular music in America of 2018 was somehow both chaotic and dreary and monotonous as hell at the same time. Constant album bombs and additional rule changes to the charts made the Hot 100 increasingly irrelevant – as if it wasn’t already, and to be honest, I didn’t hate as much of it as I thought I would – in fact, I have since learned to appreciate what little upbeat pop gems we had this year instead of observing it as just a dark, moody year full of mindless egotistical trap-rap... which it definitely was, for the record, I mean, there’s a reason I talk about the UK Top 40 more because the US’ charts seemed a tad painful to keep up with, just going off of exhausted recounts I’ve seen on YouTube and Twitter this whole year. Am I going to preface this with anything more interesting? No, because frankly I don’t think 2018 really deserves it. Let’s just talk about some ground rules.

I am using the predicted year-end top 125 posted in the Pulse Music forum by MikesMusicReviews to determine what a “hit song of 2018” is. Songs that made it into the top 10 during the charting year (December 2017 to November 2018) count as well.

This is the worst list, and it will be posted first. Hopefully I can get the best list out soon, and the list that will count down my picks for the top 5 best and top 5 worst United Kingdom-exclusive hit songs will be out somewhere in the first quarter of the year, I imagine, but don’t expect it too soon.

If this comes out on a Sunday, REVIEWING THE CHARTS will be postponed, obviously.

Finally, this is simply my opinion and I don’t consider myself highly as a music critic. This is just a silly little hobby of mine. Nevertheless, we’re counting down...

THE TOP 10 WORST HIT SONGS OF 2018

DISHONOURABLE MENTIONS

Now, let’s get rid of the Dishonourable Mentions first, before getting into the real stinkers, from most bearable to least bearable:

“Pray for Me” – Kendrick Lamar featuring the Weeknd – Actual Billboard Year-End Placement: #40 – Peak: #7

Yeah, I understand why a lot of people like this, and it’s really inoffensive for the most part, but that high-pitched vocalising really gets on my nerves.

“Love Lies” – Khalid and Normani – Year-End: #19 – Peak: #9

This is the worst Khalid song I’ve heard, mostly because the melody is so monotone. I like Normani on here, but ripping off the melody from a Post Malone song that was never good in the first place isn’t exactly the first thing I’d consider for my Love, Simon soundtrack hit.

“Bad at Love” – Halsey – Year-End: #27 – Peak: #5

I’m more forgiving of Halsey than I feel I should be because this one is... confusing, I guess, would be the best word for it? Maybe it’s just her vocals – I’ve never been a fan of how they sound in the first place, and they’re definitely strained on here.

“Beautiful” (remix) – Bazzi featuring Camila Cabello – Year-End: N/A – Peak: #30

Eh. Snoop Dogg and Pharrell did it better about a decade and a half ago.

“King’s Dead” – Kendrick Lamar and Jay Rock featuring Future and James Blake – Year-End: #79 – Peak: #21

This song exists to remind us that our dream collaborations we hope of are probably always going to not live up to our expectations. I love all of these guys separately, but they’re clearly negative influences on each other when they’re in a posse cut like this. If you want a better trap song featuring James Blake, check out Travis Scott’s “STOP TRYING TO BE GOD” with Kid Cudi.

Here are a few songs I have absolutely nothing to say about:

“I’m a Mess” – Bebe Rexha – Year-End: N/A – Peak: #35

“LOVE.” – Kendrick Lamar featuring Zacari – Year-End: #50 – Peak: #11

“Bartier Cardi” – Cardi B featuring 21 Savage – Year-End: #61 – Peak: #14

Here are a few songs I’d rather just avoid commenting on altogether:

“This is America” – Childish Gambino – Year-End: #51 – Peak: #1

“FEFE” – 6ix9ine and Nicki Minaj – Year-End: #31 – Peak: #3

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming:

“No Brainer” – DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber, Quavo and Chance the Rapper – Year-End: #73 – Peak: #5

Justin Bieber saves this track, probably because he’s the only feature without some incredibly dumb lyrics.

I blow the brains out of your mind (ooh) / And I ain’t talkin’ ‘bout physically (no) / I’m talkin’ ‘bout mentally – Quavo

Oh, and Chance’s verse is probably his worst, ever, but I am concerned specifically about why this woman is trying to choose between Justin Bieber, Quavo, Chance the Rapper and DJ Khaled’s two-year-old son.

“Boo’d Up” and “Trip” – Ella Mai – Year-End: #15 and #92 – Peak: #5 and #11

These are the exact same song and I have the exact same problems – Ella Mai is uninteresting, the chorus is mind-numbing and those 808s are out of place.

“Walk It Talk It” – Migos featuring Drake – Year-End: #43 – Peak: #10

I’m pretty sure this is like five minutes, and that’s not even the longest song I’ll be talking about in this list. Oh, yeah, and say hello to Drake because we’ll be seeing more of him soon.

“Never be the Same” – Camila Cabello – Year-End: #18 – Peak: #6

Really, this is only here because of that one part, but you know what part it is and it is atrocious.

“I Love It” – Kanye West and Lil Pump featuring Adele Givens – Year-End: N/A – Peak: #6

If this ends up on YANDHI then I think that’ll be the last straw with me in terms of Kanye. Yeah, all the Make America Great Again stuff is fine but if this ends up on YANDHI I am not sure if I can handle the betrayal.

“Roll in Peace” – Kodak Black featuring XXXTENTACION – Year-End: N/A – Peak: #31

You know, I actually really like this beat but Kodak sounds awful as always and X’s verse makes me want to punch a wall.

“All Girls are the Same” – Juice WRLD – Year-End: N/A – Peak: #41

Does this really count as a hit? I mean, I think it does, personally, and the predictions put this high enough, but the song doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page... not saying it deserves it at all.

“The Ringer” – Eminem – Year-End: N/A – Peak: #8

The phrase “chicken wang” is said twice on this song, and I’m afraid that’s about five times too many.

“Freaky Friday” – Lil Dicky and Chris Brown – Year-End: #55 – Peak: #8

I still absolutely despise this song and on my first draft of the list, this was actually in the top four, but I really do not care enough about Lil Dicky to rip into this. Also, Chris Brown was sentenced to jail for six months because he illegally owned a monkey, so I guess I get my justice in the end... although he probably won’t serve a day of that sentence.

“I’m Upset” – Drake – Year-End: #86 – Peak: #7

Man, Drake was so close to having four consecutive songs on this list. Yep, you just read that correctly, in fact:

#10

#10 – “In My Feelings” – Drake 

Produced by TrapMoneyBenny & Blaqnmild – from the album Scorpion – Year-End: #9 – Peak: #1 for ten weeks

#9

#9 – “Nonstop” – Drake 

Produced by Tay Keith – also from the album Scorpion – Year-End: #52 – Peak: #2

#8

#8 – “Yes Indeed” – Lil Baby featuring Drake 

Produced by Wheezy – from the album Harder than Ever – Year-End: #25 – Peak: #6

Listen, I don’t hate Drake at all. In fact, I think he’s very talented as a rapper, and he clearly has a lot of interesting musical visions, although he definitely needs someone like the Weeknd to fully realise them, because nobody was asking for a 90-minute, 25-track long double album from the dude, that landed all of his tracks on the Hot 100, meaning combining his album tracks as well as “Walk It Talk It” and “Yes Indeed” gave him over a quarter of the Hot 100 all to himself, which is just absolutely insane. I will be talking more about the album, and to an extent, “In My Feelings”, on my best list, but for now let’s just explain what’s wrong with these three songs, from least to most interesting, starting with what is technically a Lil Baby track, “Yes Indeed”. Now, who’s Lil Baby? Well, he tells you straight off the bat in his verse:

Wah-wah-wah, b****, I’m Lil Baby

Yeah. That’s how he ends it too, like that’s supposed to be the impressive final punchline of the verse before it goes into the hook, but it doesn’t work at all because it’s one of the weakest and most pathetic excuses for a punchline or witty line I’ve ever heard in rap. Wait, oh, I’ve misheard it?

Wah-wah-wah, b****, I’m the baby

Let’s just move on to Drake because I’m sick of this Young Thug clone (who, by the way, deserves way more success than he gets and especially way more than the two clowns that bit his style hard, whilst lacking all of the charisma and interesting characteristics and quirks Thugger had). I saw a comment on r/HipHopHeads that said the line that convinced them Lil Baby was the “real deal” was this line, from the song we’ve got on our list:

Cartier glasses, I won’t even peek at you / Yellow Ferrari like Pikachu

Does that wordplay sound any familiar to you? If it does, well...

My diamonds, they say, “Pikachu”, they say, “Pikachu” / I’m a boss, I walk through the club and just peek at you – Young Thug, “Picacho”

Yup. If that doesn’t tell you everything you need to know about Lil Baby and in turn, the quality of this song, then I don’t know what will. Oh, and if you’re wondering about the beat to the song, I can’t tell you much about it because it’s so swamped out with bass that I can barely hear it. I’m pretty sure there’s a flute in there somewhere? I can’t really say, but what I can say is that Drake phoned this in clearly, because while he’s still better than Lil Baby, his verse transitions so abruptly into Baby. I swear, it’s like they made this in 10 minutes – and knowing rappers like Lil Baby, they probably did. Speaking of songs that are essentially just bass, I mean, that’s Tay Keith’s gimmick – he makes those simplistic bassy instrumentals that fuse trap skitters with classic Memphis rap, and he is actually pretty good at it, until you realise all of his beats sound the same, and never really work unless you’ve got the right rapper on it. Case in point, “Nonstop”. The main point of Tay Keith’s beats are that they are fast-paced, evil and menacing, hence they worked incredibly well with 21 Savage on Metro Boomin’s “Don’t Come Out the House”, especially when he brought in the whisper flow... however you cannot tell me with a straight face that Drake ever comes off in the way he intends, especially with this emotionless gangster image he’s playing up this year. Listen, he starts off the song by claiming he’s somehow original and unique for flipping a switch:

Look, I just flipped a switch (flipped, flipped) / I don’t know nobody else who doin’ this

I mean, apparently it’s about flipping from his calm and kind to his aggressive side, but that doesn’t make much sense considering the song before this one on the album is also rather a straight rapping track.

Bodies start to drop, ayy, hit the floor

Listen, man, the only body hitting the floor while you’re around is Jimmy if he accidentally steps out of wheelchair. Oh, and some of this is a subliminal Kanye diss, but their beef is confusing enough anyway, so just watch a Genius video or something, I’d rather focus on right after the verses, a Mack Daddy Ju sample comes in of just one line from one of his songs repeated and that’s apparently a chorus... yeah, no, this is immensely lazy. The only part where Drake tries here is in the second verse, and that’s not because his flow and delivery picks up and becomes Sheck Wes levels of energetic, no, it’s because he makes this corny pun that you know he’s secretly proud of.

Bills so big, I call ‘em Williams, for real

Although, we could have it worse – he could be trying too hard.

TrapMoneyBenny, this s*** got me in my feelings, yeah / Got to be real with it, yeah

The main problem with “In My Feelings” is how much it asks of the listener to take in at once without ever letting itself loose. I really enjoy glitchy and scattered music, and I think Drake and his producers are attempting to make a bounce record that is as all over the place as possible without any consideration for a cohesive melody or hook to grasp onto. It’s not like “Wonderful Christmastime” where the fact that everything is a hook makes the song endearing, but instead, the fact that everything is its own chorus makes it just irritating to listen to. Even when listening to McCartney’s trainwreck of a festive bop, you know what to focus on: that opening echoing synth line and Paul’s pathetically weak vocals. Drake? Well, he’s not sure, so he throws everything at the wall until he finds something that might stick and just runs with it – he finds three of those, and we’ll be deep-diving into what they are.

First of all, the actual chorus – everyone knows it, it’s the focal point of whatever dance challenge was involved in promoting this song. While the song seems to start minimally with a hypnotic piano line, it actually kind of tricks you and instead catapults some record scratches, aggressive vocal samples, a siren sound, 808s and Drake at you, when you’re not ready to appreciate any of it, but then Drake seems to kind of freestyle this kind of repetitive hook that he thinks is really good, but there’s these “let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!” ad-libs that clutter everything, making the hook not as stable as Drake wants it to be. Remember those later. Drake soon ditches the chorus, instead going for a tension-raising verse where Drake just kind of rambles over a constantly-changing beat that just adds elements whenever they feel like it, before he starts a flow that works... until the hook just comes in again, because it’s the only thing that he can really grasp, before he gets interrupted by City Girls and their chopped-up vocals, which, admittedly, are pretty awesome isolated with just the jackhammer 808s, although then they chop up both the Magnolia Shawty sample that we heard before and the chorus at the same time and it just gets too much to keep up with. What do we focus on? Is Magnolia Shawty responding to Drake? Why is Lil Wayne here? Both of the samples kind of have an unhinged chemistry together but then Drake stops any of that from developing before the song gets too experimental, repeating the intro and letting some bongos come in or something, for no reason, until they fade out and leave just a sample from that Atlanta TV show? And that’s even cut off before it ends!

This song would work if it were an upbeat party jam but it’s just way too dark and quiet for that to work, instead it’s just an onslaught of elements that could potentially make a good song, but they’re so hastily put together that the final product is a mess of unfinished ideas, that somehow stayed at the top spot for ten weeks. Hell, this recount of the song’s events probably made no logical sense or cohesiveness because it’s way too much to reasonably keep up with and is always edging for a climax, like it’s one step closer to the edge and it’s about to break, but it just ends up repeating itself. At least this one’s kind of funny in its incompetence, unlike “Nonstop” which is painfully boring and “Yes Indeed” which is a waste of studio time. I seriously hope Lil Baby goes away next year because he adds nothing to already dystopian wastelands of instrumentals. Now we have spent way too much time talking about Drizzy. Let’s talk about someone else.

I’m just being real, my s*** look--

#7

Now, I see a lot of people bring up how the most popular artists of 2018 were “problematic” and awful people, and I mean, yeah, you’re right, but who cares? There have always been terrible and insensitive people in the music industry, because they’re going to be there in every sector of the industry, naturally. If they come to light, it’s mostly because with the Internet you have easier access than ever to someone’s mistakes, and with that becomes ever-growing popularity which, in all honesty, these people who complain about them are only perpetuating. And with that, I present to you Exhibit A:

N****s iffy, uh, blicky got the stiffy, uh

#7 – “GUMMO” – 6ix9ine 

Produced by Pi’erre Bourne – from the mixtape DAY69 – Year-End: #56 – Peak: #12

I don’t care what anyone says as a rebuttal because I am telling you a fact – the people who hate 6ix9ine are making him popular, you know it and he knows it. Sure, he may be locked up for a long time now, but that doesn’t really take away the 316 million views the video for this got off of some people legitimately enjoying this and a whole lot more of the memes. This kid ate more Skittles than his mum told him too once and starts throwing gang signs while repeating the N-word like it’s the word “the”, and since you guys thought that was funny, awful or disgusting, you are directly giving more attention and hence obviously more profit to a pedophile. It is clearly controversy and outrage that is taking this song to higher levels than just a Froggy Fresh-like situation (who, by the way, never charted this high, or at all), and I wouldn’t be complaining if the song was any good, but it really isn’t.

I’ve liked some of Tekashi’s stuff before, hell, I’ve even tried to defend my fondness towards tracks like “STOOPID” and “KIKA” on my weekly chart review show, but the reason those tracks work is because of how the production backs up 6ix9ine’s screaming or yelling delivery, with his simplistic flows being intensified due to how the instrumentals build up (also they have features to break the monotony). I may not be a fan of “TATI” or even “WAKA” all that much but even in songs like those you can tell he has a grip on this kind of sound and how he can make his aggressive and rough voice more tolerable against less intense but still powerful and propelled production. Since this is early in his career, however, he doesn’t yet understand how you cannot simply scream profanity and violent lyrical content over a Playboi Carti type-beat and call it a day. It doesn’t fit his style at all and I don’t get why at any point he could get this beat from Trippie Redd DM’ing him and think, “yeah, I can just yell over this and the beat will totally correlate!” The beat starts with a pretty hellish intro where 6ix9ine echoes before some gunshots, the classic “SCUM GANG!” catchphrase, and eventually the beat starts, with this high-pitched child sample saying “I’ll see y’all water, suu-woo!” – seriously, why can none of these rappers do an intro well this year? Oh, and the lyrical content is pretty disgusting, in fact, too disgusting for me to really put here, although, can we stop kicking women out of doors?

Man, that’s really all I use her for, then I kick her out the door

We don’t have any evidence to really believe this as parody or exaggeration, and Tekashi says this in a handful of other songs, so it’s safe to assume this is just violent and misogynistic, right? Sigh... Let’s just thank God this dude can’t release music for a while, unless, of course...

You know you like a n****’s Schmoney dance, you gon’ love a n**** when I swerve out – Bobby Schmurda on 6ix9ine’s “STOOPID”

Oh, no. Please, no.

Scum Gang...

#6

Oh, speaking of misogynists, here’s three dudes without a Wikipedia page and their more popular counterparts making a reggaeton song, and let’s naturally try and get rid of the language barrier here, by using a translation, but if I get any details wrong, I apologise, translations are never perfect. I don’t apologise for hating this lazy trash heap of a song though.

#6 - “Te Boté” (remix) – Nio García, Darell and Casper Mágico featuring Bad Bunny, Nicky Jam and Ozuna 

Produced by Young Mvrtino, Kronix Magical and Shorty Complete – Year-End: #81 – Peak: #36

This isn’t the last time you’ll see Latin pop on this list, but it’s definitely the last time you’ll see most of these names in your life because, seriously, who knows or cares about these guys? Ozuna, Nicky Jam and Bad Bunny make sense for the remix, but do you know who Darell is? After I tell you who he is, will you really still know who he is? Anyway, this song is six minutes and fifty-seven seconds of pure hell, although the most irritating part other than the beat is the 10 minutes at the start where every single one of them has to get their adlibs in, including Bad Bunny just spouting utter nonsense out of his mouth whenever possible, right before we get to the devil himself, Ozuna, who always, with no exception (trust me, we’ll get back to him later), sounds like a nasal child with a blocked nose who was told he had to make a reggaeton song in five minutes, so he just came in the booth and whined. We have a few sparse piano notes before the beat (that never really changes throughout all seven minutes, by the way, except for when it briefly drowns itself in reverb and has what sounds like an Audacity phaser effect on it for a few seconds each verse) and Ozuna really kick in. Unlike Trippie Redd’s more dynamic, flip-flopping style, Ozuna sticks to one perfect note and pitch for the whole chorus, honestly putting me on edge whenever he appears.

Hell, everyone gets to perform their own chorus, and you can just tell how much care was put into each performance just from that. Bad Bunny sounds tired but at least he’s putting effort into it. Darell is so bored and quiet that they put people loudly speaking over him in Spanish to help us not fall asleep, Casper the Friendly Ghost is autotuned to the point where he’s beyond human and instead he’s a cyborg whose owner bought the Spanish DLC, Nio Garcio barely exists and Nicky Jam is... actually okay. Yeah, him and Bad Bunny bring out pretty good choruses here, and I kind of appreciate Ozuna’s too, but instead of skipping right to the next song as if the last minute or so of just all six dudes talking and making ad-libs and gun sounds doesn’t exist, shall we look into what the translations of the lyrics have to say?

But I know that I kicked you out

Oh, come on, Ozuna—

I kicked you out of my life, and I kicked you out

So, from what I can gather, Ozuna broke up this woman and is phrasing it like it was a drug addiction and he’s kicking the habit. That’s kind of a cool concept, how is everyone else going to add to this unique story? Will they use different perspectives in the story, like acting as friends of the guy who’s dumping this woman? Ooh, I have an idea – will they all use a different drug to act as their metaphors in each verse? Now, that would be cool, but sadly, of course we’re not getting that. These people probably don’t have enough skill to wrap their arms around a concept anyway, and they wouldn’t care enough to go through with it anyway. Instead of going through all of these dudes individually, let’s just appreciate some lyrical highlights.

Baby, life is a cycle / What doesn’t serve me, I don’t recycle

You are the past and the past never comes back / Go to Hell (whoa), my body doesn’t need you (no)

Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you how bitter and melodramatic these dudes are, seriously, they have so much bile for their respective exes that it’s almost a joke. Like, I can’t take anything they say seriously to the point where I start to think it’s satire, but it feels genuine enough, even if they put “to hell you went” in the hook.

Bad Baby’s chorus is so mean, though, it pulls no punches and just insults the girl non-stop.

I kicked you out, I sacked you and let you go, I let you go / I sent you to Hell, I sent you / And I nailed your friend, I nailed her

Jesus... we don’t even know what any of these women do for all seven minutes and the only rapper who really tries to elaborate for more than a vague one-liner is Darrell, surprisingly, who tells us pretty clearly what happened.

With you, putting a condom on is a must / But I posted up in half-court, baby, like Rondo

I understand why there’s such an issue now, because Darrell has accidentally had a baby with this woman and is angry because...? Yeah, actually, why is he angry at her, specifically? He’s the one who didn’t put on any protection; surely you should be showing some respect. What, is Darrell angry that he’s not seeing his kid enough? You know, that’s fine, though, because it shows some kind of primal frustration at the woman, while as the song goes on, you realise that all these recounts are from the same person’s perspective, and they’re irrational before, but eventually, once we get to Nicky Jam’s verse, he’s just reminiscing on the good times and moving on.

I lie if I say I don’t miss it when I touched your skin / I lie if I say I don’t miss it when you called me at dawn

See? Maybe this song isn’t as awful as I thought – I mean it’s unlistenable, but much like “Freaky Friday” at least effort was put into making it interesting lyrically and focusing on storytelling, you know? I actually really like the gradual increase in maturity.

I take the chance of the remix with Ozuna to send you to Hell

...Never mind then.

Ra-ta-ta-ta!

#5

I really love how Young Thug uses his voice. I think he pushes himself to vocal limits whilst somehow sticking to the meter of the trap beat and it always works because he’s just off the beaten track enough for it to be weird and interesting but he never steps his foot outside of the comfort zone because when he experiments, well, he can make some grave mistakes, such as that hilariously awful song that samples “Rocket Man” by Elton John... but guys, what if we had two Young Thugs who didn’t push themselves vocally and don’t have any intriguing quirks, but somehow they got more popular and use the most basic, badly-mixed trap beats to ever be produced?

Run that back, Turbo

#5 – “Drip Too Hard” – Lil Baby and Gunna 

Produced by Turbo – from the album Drip Harder – Year-End: N/A – Peak: #4

I’d say, “Where do I even start with this?” but that doesn’t necessarily mean there’s a lot to talk about, because there really is not anything I can say that I haven’t said before about Lil Baby, and Gunna is essentially the same person. Listen, every song these dudes make, on their own or on their collaborative mixtape, is just them pathetically flowing, often slightly off-beat, in their monotone and nasal delivery – with Lil Baby often preferring a falsetto over Gunna’s smoother, reverb-drowned voice – without having any interesting lyrics or actually good bars or punchlines. Typically, they don’t even have more than one notably awful lyric per song, so you always know what to expect from both the beat, usually either a simplistic piano melody or dreary guitar strumming under way too much bass and the typical skittering trap percussion, and the performers themselves.

Let me put it this way: this song is about 113 BPM but it feels like it goes half as fast, because of how the beat never changes or has any adjustments worth speaking of, Lil Baby drags on his autotuned bars like curtains in the morning (which is probably a better comparison than this guy could come up with) and Gunna is empty space on the track; seriously, the dude’s white noise except for the one line.

I feel like a child, I got boogers in the face

In fact, the lyrics are dumber but actually some of the most unique these dudes have come up with, although it does seem rather controlling throughout, if that makes any sense. Lil Baby takes that rap persona to the extreme and portrays himself as some nigh-unbeatable force that has everyone and everything doing only what he wishes them to.

Whenever I tell you to come, she comin’

Soon as I come back, she gettin’ slayed

Yeah, he uses very imperative, demanding words when it comes to providing for these women sexually, but he also gives her luxury as if it wasn’t anything to him.

You can get the biggest Chanel bag in the store if you want it

This wouldn’t be anything special if they weren’t so forceful about it in such an otherwise calm and, dare I say, ambient song? It just kind of fits into the background until Lil Baby gets oddly aggressive in his offbeat ramblings, especially in the chorus, where he threatens those who copy his style... oh, come on.

Every other night, another dollar gettin’ made

If you make a dollar every two days, you are in poverty. Oh, and I believe Gunna kind of tries to make some statement about racial issues briefly.

I don’t want your chain, young Gu-wunna not a slave

Dude, you’re wearing like four chains in the video, so I’m not sure if your point is valid here.

TSA harass me, so I took a private plane

Are you trying to say that you take a private plane because you’re being racially profiled by the TSA? I mean, they just perform more thorough checks on people with heavy loads of money and jewellery, is that the punchline? I’m not sure because he clearly uses “harass” to make it appear violent. It might be a stretch, but if there is any attempt at racial commentary here, it fails incredibly, as I’d expect from these two talentless hacks. Hopefully, this duo sinks into complete irrelevancy by 2020. It’s not like they care, as he says himself, they don’t read comments.

Do this all the time, this ain’t no surprise / Every other night, another movie getting made

Blech.

#4

This year (and last year to an extent), a lot of popular artists who made music that wasn’t rap or hip hop “flopped” for lack of a better word – essentially, pop icons failed to gain much chart longevity with either songs or albums in the past few years, making way for newer artists to stack up hits on hits, mostly because of how streaming is more important now than ever. I’ve listened to the full album by one of the former pop icons that fell this year, and I can tell you that most of it is fantastic, albeit perhaps unintentionally. Love songs dedicated to Justin Timberlake’s flannel are just kind of my thing, I guess.

#4 – “Filthy” – Justin Timberlake 

Produced by Timbaland, Justin Timberlake and Danja – from the album Man of the Woods – Year-End: N/A – Peak: #9

So this starts out as a rock song, and it’s kind of awesome, actually. That guitar riff is undeniable and pretty heavy, with Justin Timberlake’s vocals, although way too back in the mix for my liking are fitting, and we get this incredible build-up with the drums continuing to increase in speed and intensity. It’s insane, and we have no idea what will be at the end of it. It’s like a rollercoaster but you’re entirely blindfolded, so you expect a drop but where? When? Instead of the rollercoaster actually going down, however, you’re just pushed off the carriage very lightly and fall onto a cushion.

Yeah, that’s how the squelchy elastic robot-funk “wub-wub” synth bass wobble feels here. They’re so ugly and almost, wrong, if that makes any sense. Like they’re not supposed to sound like that. It reminds me of my own music that I make where I Paulstretch and add echoes to nonsense samples until it sounds disgusting enough, but this is a professional recording and hence, it’s a lazy excuse for making any interesting synth sounds as the main instrumental hook. Oh, yeah, and there’s not enough to really drown it, we just get a few searing siren synths, heavy female breathing and Justin himself, who is pretty awful, as I expected, vocally, because he just kind of talks rhythmically? I can’t call it rapping but it’s definitely not a real melody. The main thing that annoys me about this song is for the last minute and half, it’s a fantastic song. It finally lets itself go insane, as the searing siren synth starts to glitch out, you can barely hear Justin under the pitched-down echoing backing vocals (some of which sound like Eminem, honestly), and the wobble bass kind of dissipates, instead leading with that chopped-up guitar from earlier, before calming down and slowing down, fading out into a strong bass backing up a tropical landscape for uncredited vocalist Jessica Biel to speak over. It’s actually really cool for a brief period of time... but the song’s five minutes.

If you know what’s good...

He repeats this in the rock sections as if it’s leading up to something but it just ends up being an incomplete sentence as it abruptly goes from him screaming that to him “rapping” this line:

Haters gon’ say it’s fake... so real

This means nothing. Haters are going to say Justin Timberlake is fake, so you respond with “So real”. Isn’t that just a non-sequitur? Hell, it’s not even a sentence. Are you missing a “but it is” or “but I am”? Justin, actually, what’s with all the pointless rap references?

I guess I got my swagger back

Yeah, that’s from JAY-Z.

Your friends, my friends, and they ain’t leaving ‘till six in the morning

And that’s from Snoop Dogg, clearly. Is Justin trying to appeal to the modern teenage crowd who are into hip-hop by mentioning... old rap songs from aging rappers who are having an equally hard time trying to stay relevant? Man, and I thought Timbaland could help you, hell, he’s been working with Ski Mask the Slump God recently. Yeah, sorry, I love a lot of Justin’s other stuff and even Man of the Woods appealed to me in an odd way, but this is just a clunky, dated mess. That last 90 seconds should have been released as the lead single, even though it wouldn’t have been played on the radio – not like this was, anyway, and I’m glad it just came and went.

Look closer, through the trees. Do you see it?

#3

Now, let’s get into the true stinkers, the top three worst hit songs of one of the most dreadful years in pop music history I’ve ever experienced. All three of these songs are borderline unlistenable, so I might as well introduce them all at once, but, no, let’s go in on them one-by-one, starting with the last trap song that’ll end up on this list, and it’s by a guy who I’ve actually loved a lot of material from this year. You’ll see him twice or more on my best list, and I think he is a really talented singer and songwriter, with a knack for really catchy melodies, but... man, this song really fell apart, didn’t it?

#3 – “I Fall Apart” – Post Malone 

Produced by Illangelo – from the album Stoney – Year-End: #39 – Peak: #16

I like Post Malone, I really do, but when he’s at his worst, he is unbearable, especially because of how grating his voice can be when he warbles whilst drowned in both autotune and the immense reverb that he decides to use, in fact, I’m pretty sure all of his songs are 70% reverb effects – and lucky me, this song is basically just him moaning for painful stretches of time drowned in reverb, because that’s the chorus. It starts with multi-tracked Post Malones crooning the title before a slight piano comes in that is only there for seemingly no reason before the actual verse and guitar comes in, where Post Malone just kind of yells over a heavy acoustic guitar lick, with “yeah” ad-libs that make me think my headphones are broken with how far they are back into the mix. All the lyrics are just pure melodrama, but the pre-chorus where he’s “taking these shots like Novacane” show my main problem with the song. It tries to be an intense, heartbroken track, but it’s too quirky to work like that.

His diction is pretty bad, so he’s mostly strangely mumbling his shouted lines in a way that makes it able to hear but also painful because of his high-pitched, obviously very immature voice, and then the chorus comes in, with him shouting “oooh, I fall apart” over a way too upbeat drop, with rapid 808s that are deep and cover out any of the trap skitter, making any dark ideas with the drum pattern irrelevant and just completely inaudible, mostly because of the chirpy pitched-up vocal samples being sprayed over Post Malone’s simplistic melody with a reverb-coated delivery that is hard to listen to. Oh, and these light gliding pianos come in for the second verse, and then, we kind of find the main point of the song in that verse:

Feelin’ like I sold my soul / Devil in the form of whore, devil in the form of whore

This song is bipolar, and it’s not as intentional as it initially seems – you see, this primal release right here should be powerful because it is Post Malone at the breaking point, where he gives up trying to reason with himself, disregarding his ex after the break-up as the devil because of how heartbroken he is... it doesn’t work when the song is happy. The instrumental is chirpy and actually just kind of pretty, especially for 2018, with those nice kicks and the piano melody and vocal sample being way too high-pitched and light to really give off any “depressed” or “broken” vibe. It’s just an unfinished instrumental for Post Malone to whine over, and you know what, that could have been beautiful, but since we have no reason to believe this bipolar song structure is on purpose other than the bridge (which, admittedly, is actually pretty cool, but not enough to completely retcon my theory), we’re just here to observe Post Malone being a bit of a jerk towards someone we don’t know anything about. Like “Te Boté”, all we know is that they broke up and we’re supposed to feel sorry for the man. Yet “I Fall Apart” had kegs full of potential, and that outro with the swirling chiptune-like synth really should have been happening throughout the song, as that’s where the intentional juxtaposition is evident. Otherwise, it just sounds really unpleasant, but, hey, at least Post Malone isn’t that much of an awful human being. Sure, he’s said some stuff that turned me off him at first in a couple interviews, but overall he doesn’t seem too bad...

#2

Disclaimer – Some more sensitive topics will be touched on in this segment. If you feel like you will not be okay reading about you-know-who and his abuse charges, skip to #1 – skim-read if you wish, but definitely do not click the page I have linked in my explanation of why I do not like this song.

Okay, now, listen, I know people have been awful in the music industry before and I brought this up while talking about “GUMMO”. There have always been untalented, racist, sexist, problematic and insensitive people in any industry and there have been for decades, and they are now just becoming common knowledge because of how easy it is to spread information nowadays. I know I sound like an old crony saying that, but that’s how I feel looking at charts when I see names like Quando Rondo, Flipp Dinero and Calboy show up on the bottom half, like, who the hell are these people and why are they blowing up now? Well they’re all trap-rappers, of course, and they’re using the innovative musical platform laid down by people like 2 Chainz, Future and Travis Scott, and later SoundCloud rappers like Lil Uzi Vert, to finally get their time in the limelight, but they’re watering down that genre to the point where I believe we have reached “peak trap” and slowly with people like Playboi Carti I think we’re moving into an era of post-trap due to the oversaturation. I remember way back in 2016 when this dude first charted with this nonsensical title and I searched him up and found out he was, uh, well...

#2 – “changes” – XXXTENTACION 

Produced by John Cunningham – from the album ? – Year-End: #94 – Peak: #18

Yeah, okay, well, first of all, rest in peace to Jahseh Onfroy, okay, I was never a fan of him or his music but nobody showing potential and talent deserves to die that early, alright? Now that all that is out of the way, let’s talk about the song itself, which makes my blood boil. “changes” has a lot in common with a Bad Bunny track, “Amorfoda”, mostly in the fact that it’s just four piano notes being repeated and that’s the beat. There’s no drums, there’s no guitar, it’s just that and briefly some strings. “Amorfoda” is even more minimalistic as it’s just simply piano and Bad Bunny (as well as his ad-libs). On the track, Bad Bunny’s lyrics are oddly poetic, and his performance is constantly changing with his flow and delivery never really staying in one place throughout the one pretty long verse. This is helpful as it keeps the track interesting, as otherwise it’s just a barebones piano ballad with an above average vocalist singing a mumbled hook and an excruciatingly long, unintelligible verse. “changes” is just that, except there’s no verse... there’s just a bridge, which is one line repeated six times. The hook is four lines long, the beat is only two notes this time around, the one addition to the droning immature vocals from X and PnB Rock’s boring crooning is some weak, barely noticeable fake strings. Piano ballads work when there’s legitimate power, and the closest we get to that is X and PnB’s harmonised humming that still would have sounded better if you got Kid Cudi to do it. Seriously, if you ever need someone to hum on your song, get this dude.

So, we’ve established it’s cheap, lazy and pointless, as well as mind-numbingly repetitive. There’s only five lines that are repeated for all two minutes and two seconds. The song concept is clearly there but they have no idea how or where to run with it so they just keep on saying the lyrics they have for a while and release it as a lead single (without PnB Rock credited, I may add). If you’re wondering if I’m downplaying the song and there’s more to it, no, don’t kid yourself. It’s both of these dudes moaning over piano that X probably didn’t even play. Now, what about those five lines?

Mmm, baby, I don’t understand this / You’re changing, I can’t stand it

Can I have a “get out of talking about a dead man’s domestic abuse charges free” card, please? Okay, so, let’s not pretend he wasn’t an abuser, he admitted to “F’ing her up” in an audio recording that Pitchfork discovered, as well as, you know, stabbing nine people, as you do. This song is about how Geneva, his ex, is making it hard for HIM despite him being the one beating her. X doesn’t understand why Geneva is changing opinions and attitudes towards him after he injured her to the point where she needs a GoFundMe for surgery (pictures of her eye are out there!) whilst carrying a child, and he has the gall to play a victim complex, and of course it works on his gullible young fanbase.

My heart can’t take this damage

“My heart can’t take this damage”? Miss me with that sadboi poetry nonsense. Ugh. Let’s move on before I pop a blood vessel.

Mmm, baby, I don’t understand this

Good riddance.

#1

“changes” was my definite choice for #1 for a long time. If you recall when it showed up on the UK Top 40, I quite literally didn’t review it at all, and got someone else who loved the song to talk about it, in both respect for XXXTENTACION as he recently passed away at the time and to not spoil my list. At the end of the year, though, a song was released and I came to a conclusion: I can listen to “changes”. It is lazy, aggravating, has irritating lyrics and sounds unfinished... but I can hear it all the way through and not be all too bothered by it. Same goes for “In My Feelings” and “Freaky Friday”, they’re not long and they’re interesting enough, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re any good, and the reason why songs like “Te Boté”, “Drip Too Hard” or “Filthy” didn’t top this list is because there are parts I actually really appreciate in that song, and if anything I can laugh at it, even if they’re too long and they’re pathetic excuses for popular music. My #1 barely counts. It was in the top 40, sure, but at the tail-end of the year, and if anything, this is premature as it’s probably going to make 2019’s year-end list, but screw it, I have to get this out now. The worst hit song of 2018 is “Taki Taki” by DJ Snake featuring vocals from Ozuna, Cardi B and Selena Gomez.

#1 – “Taki Taki” – DJ Snake, Ozuna, Cardi B and Selena Gomez 

Produced by DJ Snake – Year-End: N/A – Peak: #11

Now, “changes” makes my blood boil but really, at a musical standpoint, it’s competent enough. They’re on beat, both dudes can kind of sing, and the instrumental is inoffensive. “Taki Taki” is thre minutes and 36 seconds of absolute torture. We start with that hellish flute loop, which fades in at the start of the song and doesn’t change for the rest of the whole song, staying in the background for the track constantly, only getting pitched up in the chorus or “drop”, for added annoyance. The flute loop itself is painful and I don’t think I can really describe how much it gets on my nerves in words. It sounds like a rabbit with cavities playing a recorder, if you can picture that horrible image. Oh, and remember Ozuna? Well, he’s worse here. Not only does he sound like he recorded his own audio in his kitchen, but his nasal voice is aggravating. Something about the way he says fricatives makes me want to strangle a dolphin – which is fitting because that’s what he sounds like when he repeats the hook, “Taki Taki, rumba!” If you’re wondering what “Taki Taki” is, it means nothing. It means absolutely nothing. It is a nonsense word, but it does rhyme with several other words that Ozuna pronounces awfully, such as... well...

Booty explota como Nagasaki

The booty blows up like Nagasaki. Dude, how did this get through the executives? It reminds me of a Hoodrich Pablo Juan mixtape I heard where in the second track he just spurts out that broke people are gay or something and I question how the hell everyone in his label and heard that and thought, “yeah, that’s okay”. I know it’s Gucci Mane’s label in that case, so they don’t care, but this “Taki Taki” song was a major-label release by four of the biggest mega-stars in their own respective genres. How did this insensitive yet actually kind of hilariously awful reference to the 1945 Nagasaki atomic bombings slip through the cracks, man? Maybe it’s because Ozuna makes any person with sense’s skin crawl, so they just skipped his part. That’s reasonable – and understandable, I mean, I would to.

Hi Music Hi Flow

What’s with the producer tag for the dude who didn’t produce the song, Ozuna? What is the point of tagging this onto the drop? Oh, and Cardi B’s on here, and don’t get me wrong, I like Cardi but she is so non-descript on here.

I said, we should have a date / “Where?” At the Lamborghini store

How is this in any way a clever or unique punchline? This is just filler, and I don’t blame her – hell, I like Cardi for her delivery too but she’s not even that loud or energetic here so she needs something to back it up and, yeah, she just doesn’t. Someone on Twitter brought to my attention that it interpolates another Cardi B and Ozuna song, “La Modelo”, which is much better and leaves absolutely no reason to willingly listen to the song.

Oh, and in typical “Taki Taki” fashion, Cardi’s awfully mixed. What a surprise. It just sounds like Cardi DM’d DJ Snake a video of her rapping the verse with her kid Kulture crying in the background, so he took the audio from that and put it in Audacity’s “Noise Remover” function in order to remove the crying, making there a lot of awkwardly mixed moments that just sound like amateur hour, which DJ Snake shouldn’t be able to replicate at his level of stature and fame... but Selena Gomez’s verse? Oh, honey...

Careful when you come through my way

Is Selena Gomez trying to be intimidating? Because, uh, no. It’s not working, and never will.

My body-ody know how to play

Ugh, I’m not a fan of stuttering or repeating syllables to fill the meter, especially when they’re weak lines like this. It just feels so lazy, and Selena does it more than worse in her short verse.

And I-I-I know you need a taste

Oh, and why does she self-censor these three lines?

When I (OOH), you’re fallin’ in love / Give a little (OOH-OOH), get it well done / Dancing on my (OOH), make your girl want to run

Does Selena Gomez need to keep a squeaky-clean image? She had a video last year where she sensually chowed down on some lipstick, while a song called “Fetish” played. She can’t go back to the innocent Disney image after that, like, come on. If we cancel that out, then why isn’t Cardi censored? She gets away with saying stuff like this:

My piggy bank is hungry, my n****, you need to feed it / If the text ain’t freaky, I don’t wanna read it / And just to let you know, this punani is undefeated, ayy

Yet there’s not much that could really fit there. I figured the first bit was “shake my hips” or something, but does it have to be the same amount of syllables as the “ooh” that replaces it? If so, then that means the second “ooh” line is just nonsensical, unless it’s “hump-bump” or “bump-grind” because Selena Gomez wanted to reference R. Kelly or something. “When I...” What? Trip? Dance? Slip – as in slip off the panties? I don’t know, but seemingly none of these options seem worthy of even censoring, so I think we can call this lazy songwriting instead.

The “subtle” integrations of Spanish throughout her verse are pitiful, by the way.

Porque I am the party, yo soy fiesta / Blow out your candles, then have a siesta / They can try, pero no-one can stop me

I did barely a month of GCSE Spanish and I could write better Spanish bars than this. Also, what’s that last one?

They can try, pero no-one can stop me

Who’s stopping you from partying... or being the party, actually, as you specify?

I am the party, yo soy fiesta

If you’re wondering what “yo soy fiesta” means, it’s just essentially “I am the party” again. Yeah, if you don’t have a good line that rhymes, just give up and say it in Spanish. The worst line is easily the last one, though.

What my Taki Taki wants, yeah, my Taki Taki gets, uh

So, does this explain what “Taki Taki” is? Is it lust? Selena Gomez is supposedly so hot that she can get whatever her instinct is... that’s actually kind of a cool concept, so why is he said completely out of context in the chorus? Does it mean “My instinct is to dance” when they say “Taki Taki, rumba!”? “Rumba” is a dance, so it’s safe to assume that, right? Why are they making a reggaeton song feel like English comprehension? To be fair, however, Selena’s chorus does its job and is actually pretty decent, but then Ozuna comes in to ruin it all anyway, so who cares?

The reason this is above every song on this list is because it reeks of incompetence and is probably the song here that just sounds the worst all throughout its runtime, and all of this nonsense happens over a grating, neverending shrill flute loop, and, yeah, that pretty much explains why this song is the worst hit song this year, at least in my opinion. Hopefully that best list is coming soon, but for now, thank you for reading my incessant rambles about pop music and I’ll see you tomorrow on REVIEWING THE CHARTS. Bye!

Hi Music Hi Flow / Taki Taki / Taki Taki

deadcactuswalking

[hushed-chorus]

Omg, this is so wonderful! You have done such a marvellous job with these prompts, and you do the humor excellently! I laughed out loud many times! Simon is such a sweet, silly babe in this. And I LOVE bats! This banner is just too adorable too 😭🥰🦇

Everyone, check out this is you want some silly, adorable, cracky fun! It's a delight!

Thank you so much!

Bazzie the Bat

This is a gift to @hushed-chorus from the Secret Snowflake Exchange 2022!

Title: Bazzie the Bat Rating: Teens+ at 2.5k completed

Summary: Simon wakes up only to discover that Baz has turned into a bat.

Excerpt: 

Wait a minute. I know that years ago Baz told me that vampires can’t turn into bats, but… he also didn’t know how to control his fangs at the time. Maybe… could it be?

“Baz? Baby, is that you?” At the name, the bat looks up at me and I swear I see the familiar loving, fond look in its eyes. “Oh my fucking god. Baz, what in the bloody hell happened to you?”

He stares at me, and I swear he’s trying to use all the tiny muscles in his bat face to sneer at me.

Read this ridiculous fic HERE!!!

Here you go Demi! I took a lot of risks (or that’s how it felt to me) by stepping out of my writing comfort zone and writing a crack/silly fic, and by also not following your prompts exactly  :”)   hopefully you still enjoyed it <3