#baxter cannot catch a break ever

[hauntedshells]

he looks so disheveled I love that for him

[heyheydidjaknow]

FUCK YOU TIME! I’m aware I’m an hour and a half late, but I finished the chapter, so HA. I know nobody cares, but I’m happy with myself. Previous chapter is at the bottom of the page, of course.

Chapter 4

"Why, pray tell, don't you trust me?"

"Because you're being paranoid." Mikey gets into position at the top of the ramp as you scroll through your phone absentmindedly, watching your friends back home sincerely mourning your death. "I am an ex-peer-ee-onsed skateboarder and ninja. This is gonna be epic."

"As someone who saw that episode," you reassure him, sighing at your mother's inactivity online confirming your suspicions for the umpteenth time, "you are absolutely going to get in trouble." The lair is a mess, the ramp more so, and the entire situation is so obviously the inciting incident that you're half convinced that the universe itself is pranking you. You slid the phone into your pocket, not really in the mood to start crying again. "In fact, this is directly related to the theme of the episode. In other words, don't do it."

"Relax, dude." He sets himself up. "I am totally gonna make this jump and it is going to be sweet."

"Theme?" Donatello pipes up from his place on the ground in front of the ramp. "The first major constituent of a clause?"

You blink. "No, the new Subway footlong. What the fuck are you talking about?"

"That's the definition of theme."

"Who uses that definition? Grammar teachers?"

"The dictionary."

You are dumbfounded. "Why would I— do you know how people usually use that word?"

"People usually use that word at all?"

You look over at Raphael and Leonardo, who are on the floor next to him, and who seem completely disinterested. "Do you guys—"

"No. Who uses the word 'theme'?" Raphael rolls his eyes. "Mikey, do you plan on jumping today?"

"Wait, so none of you have ever used that word in a literary sense?"

"There's a literary sense?"

You sigh. "In hindsight, I guess that makes sense, since— Mikey, you're gonna get grounded for it."

"Will not."

"Will too. Donnie, when you inevitably get grounded for this, after your grounding is over, come to my apartment. I'm teaching you literary analysis because that is ridiculous." You get to your feet. "Oh," you say, "before I go, when he grounds you, don't go out. If you get into trouble while you're out, get me, and if he asks why you're tired, say it was a movie marathon, and if he asks which movies, Lord of The Rings. See ya." You run out as you hear the shouts of their father telling them to stop.

You walk back up to the surface via the empty subway tunnel. You had quickly realized that it was infinitely less gross than going through the sewers, and your apartment already smelled enough like raw sewage from the amount of time you had started spending down there. You have considered buying new clothes with your quickly appreciating bank account, but you could not bring yourself to look, even with your new freedom. Maybe it was a lack of motivation? You do not exactly know. More likely is your complete lack of inspiration and faith in your own choices, but what do I know?

You start down the street to your building. You would not go so far as to say it felt like home, but you had become more accustomed to it. You had learned the bellboy’s name, nodded to neighbors. It is not a stunning amount of progress, but it is progress. You spend most of your days now, if not re-watching whatever episode is relevant next, for the first time, cyberstalking people you knew from back home. How courteous of that organization to give you an up-to-date feed of life moving on without you; at least you get to see your cousins.

You do not remember the actual walk. You remember getting to your apartment, walking right by your refrigerator, and collapsing onto the bed.

You feel like shit.

You roll onto your back, going right back to stalking. You are not sure why you bother making yourself feel worse. You tried messaging them to absolutely no avail. You cannot comment on posts, either. You know this. You still grasp onto this shred from your past. It just makes you sad. Why are you doing this to yourself?

You feel a lump rise in your throat. You close the window.

You curl around your pillow, hugging it tightly. You the sound of your fingers against the screen was the only thing to permeate the room. You are following a tangent, looking for a book you were interested in a century ago. Something about a pervert? You forget.

You miss home.

—

You do not even need to look up from your phone; the panting is enough. "I'm going to take a wild guess."

"I know you said to come get you," Donnie gushed, "but it was 2 in the morning and I totally forgot and I was freaking out about this new invention and—"

You set the e-book down, walking over and grasping his hands gently. "Take a deep breath, alright? You're gonna be fine, so long as you chill out and think."

"Baxter Stockman is serious business."

"I know, honey, but you gotta calm down, alright?" You slowly pull him down to sit on the bed.

"He snapped my staff with his freakin hand!"

"You are going to go through at least 2 more of those bad boys. Breathe with me." You inhale deeply. "In."

He mimics you.

"Out."

He follows suit.

"Okay. Are you good?"

His breathing slows. He swallows, nods. "Okay, I'm calm."

"Awesome. Now, I'm gonna give you a mini version of our lesson, alright? Is that okay?" The irony of you trying to calm down the trained ninja is not lost on you.

"Yeah, alright." He nodded.

"Alright. Let's start off with the basics." You sit yourself up properly. "Now, this is a kid's show, right?"

"If you say so, yeah."

"The thing about kids shows is that there's usually a moral to each of the episodes."

"Okay."

You put up one finger. "At the beginning of the episode, you guys got grounded, right?"

He nodded.

"You guys snuck out, and you got into a fight with Stockman. That fight is the reason he's after you, right?" You try to speak relatively clearly and, more importantly, calmly.

"Yeah." He seems to respond relatively positively to this.

"And then,” you continue, putting up a second finger, “Mikey losing the t-pod and not telling anyone is what lead to Stockman getting powerful, right?”

He nodded.

“In both instances, the problem was a lack of transparency, right? Not asking for help for fear of getting in trouble?”

He nodded again.

“So,” you nod with him, “the way to fix this is?”

“To ask for help regardless of whether or not it will get us in trouble with Splinter?”

“Exactly.” You smile encouragingly. “Why?”

“Because that’s the message of the episode?”

“You really are quick to catch on.” You get to your feet. “I’m not surprised you’re the brains of the group.”

“Really?” His eyes lit up.

“Most definitely. Now,” you get to your feet, “as much as I love when we talk, and as much as I owe you a lesson on how to identify these sorts of things on your own, I’m sure your brothers could use that advice right about now.”

“Right!” He gets up. “Thank you, again.”

“My pleasure, my guy. Oh, hit me up when you’re off of your grounding so I can figure out a lesson plan.”

“You got it.” He climbed out of the window. “See you then, Y/N.”

“Kick their asses.” You wave as he disappears into the night.

Your smile slowly slides off your face as you close the window. You pick your phone up to check the time.

You toss it onto the bed. ‘I’m making cupcakes.’ You have not eaten in what feels like a while. You are already out of bed. Might as well.

--

“She called me honey.”

Raphael rolls his eyes. “I’m telling you, there’s no way that a girl like her is going to be into you. You’re delusional.”

“Honey is a pet name!” Donatello’s voice rises slightly. “And—and she invited me to her place after we aren’t grounded!”

“Let him believe.” Leonardo pipes up from in front of the television. “I think it’s nice that he and she are as close of friends as they are so quick.”

“For the record, I’m rooting for ya, bro.” Mikey takes another bite out of his pizza. “Sure, you’re a little creepy, but so is she, so it works out.”

He scoffs. “Aren’t you three forgetting something? Like, I don’t know, that we’re turtles? Is the fact that she’s an entirely different species not a factor?”

“Part turtle.” He speaks incredibly fast. “Our DNA is mutated with—”

“Oh, I’m sure you’re holding onto that technicality real tight, aren’t you?” He stabs the dummy in the gut. “A technicality that I’m sure she cares about.”

“I did the research.” He gets to his feet, running over and grabbing a diagram from his lab. “We’re physically compatible.”

“Donnie. Brother. No.” He stops. “Please tell me you didn’t seriously look into whether or not you could fuck her. I know you like this girl, but come on.”

“I didn’t go out of my way to research how our reproductive system works for this.” He tosses it back into his lab, sliding the door closed. “I did that research a while back. I just had to investigate reproduction on the female end to make sure everything worked.” He stands up straight. “Theoretically, we are fully capable of reproducing with humans.”

“Theoretically?” Leo looks back at him.

He feels his face go red. “Well, there isn’t any clinical research done on the subject. We’re the only ones of our kind, after all, and I don’t have any female samples to use.”

“For fuck’s sake, Donnie, do not ask her for ‘samples’.” He gags. “That’s just fucking gross.”

“I wasn’t going to!”

“You were. I’d bet money on it.”

“Ten bucks says he still will.” Mikey drops the rest of it down his throat.

“Hey!”

“Dude, you’re freakier than I am. I love you but come on.” He lays back on the couch.

“Y’all are just gross.” He stabbed the dummy in the neck, sand pouring out of the hole. “We need a more durable dummy.”

“You could just not break the ones I make.” He sits down on the couch. “That’s an option.”

“It’s a literal punching bag. It’s a show of love.”

The episode ends. Leo walked over to the two on the couch, sitting on the other side of his lanky brother as Michelangelo scrounges for crumbs. “Look, it might be jumping the gun a bit to start researching if you guys can have kids. You guys aren’t even in a relationship.”

“I know.” He rubs his face with his hands. “I dunno, man. What am I doing?”

“Exactly.” He pats him on the back. “I’m not saying it could never happen, but this is a little much.”

He sighs. “Yeah, that’s true.”

“We wouldn’t lie to you.” He gets to his feet. “I’m gonna go meditate for a while. You wanna join me?”

“I’m good.” Donnie hopped over the back of the couch. “I’m gonna go work on this thing I’ve been working on.”

“Alright, man.” He walks off to the dojo.

He steps into his lab, sliding the door closed behind him. He sits at his workstation, a half-finished robot sat on the table. He slides his tongue in the space between his teeth absentmindedly as he goes back to connecting wires.

‘She used the past tense. Had, she said.’ He bounces his knee absentmindedly, reaching for the soldering iron. ‘But she called me honey. She called me hot stuff. Is that an insult?” He tests the joints. ‘I don’t remember.’

He sets his project down for a second. He opens his laptop, smiling gently at his screen saver. It is a photo you had emailed him of the two of you to show you how it worked.

‘I should make a camera. Or find one. A digital one.’ He sighs, closing it. ‘She is absolutely gorgeous.’

He goes back to work, still feeling your fingers around his.

Table Of Contents

Chapter 3

Chapter 5

[f4liveblogarchives]

Fantastic Four Vol 1 #238

Tues May 05 2020 [02:04 AM] Wack'd: Have some Wolverine publicity

[02:05 AM] maxwellelvis: It BEGINS [02:06 AM] maxwellelvis: THERE's the John Byrne we know and... sigh because the guy who comes up with great covers like these is still the guy who sabotaged Jean Grey's spinoff attempt. [02:06 AM] Wack'd: John Bryne: fun dude but still a friggin dude [02:07 AM] Wack'd: So here we go. The secret story of Frankie Raye [02:08 AM] Wack'd: Turns out this is naturally what she looks like naked, plus a spiffy pair of elbow-length gold gloves

[02:08 AM] Bocaj: He didn't notice the gold gloves at any point? [02:08 AM] Wack'd: All this stuff just...vanishes when she puts clothes on [02:08 AM] Wack'd: Yeah no Johnny is like "I've seen you in a bikini" and she puts her robe back on and the gold clothes vanish [02:09 AM] Bocaj: "My terrible secret is that I'm a never nude" [02:09 AM] Bocaj: "There are dozens of us. Dozens" [02:09 AM] Wack'd: I understood that reference [02:09 AM] Wack'd: So anyway Frankie has been somehow psychologically conditioned to never notice that a superhero outfit appears on her whenever she's naked [02:10 AM] Wack'd: As well as not to think too hard about the fact that she has no memories before age 14 [02:10 AM] Bocaj: Uh. [02:10 AM] Bocaj: Well y'know what fair enough. I try not to think about that stretch of time either [02:11 AM] Wack'd: Her earliest memory is waking up in a dingy warehouse under an old labcoat [02:11 AM] Wack'd: She lived alone in a deserted apartment and got checks for a thousand bucks in the mail every week [02:11 AM] Wack'd: And was psychologically conditioned not to think about how off-spec that was for a teenager as well [02:12 AM] Wack'd: A lot of nonsense here resting on, essentially, a Somebody Else's Problem Field [02:12 AM] Wack'd: Whoever set all this up probably would've had a lot easier of a time if they just...gave her a normal life? [02:12 AM] Bocaj: I feel that however this explains her fear of fire from earlier on, this cannot have been what the original plan was even a little [02:13 AM] Wack'd: Anyway somehow meeting Johnny started to make the conditioning decay [02:13 AM] Wack'd: She freaked out when Johnny flamed on because it made her think too hard about things, but she was attracted to him in part because of that [02:14 AM] Bocaj: uh [02:14 AM] Wack'd: Anyway Johnny pushes her to explore this whole ordeal further, because she feels like the dam is finally about to break [02:14 AM] Bocaj: I have a dumb thought [02:14 AM] Wack'd: And break it does

[02:14 AM] Bocaj: She was completely naked in that- HOLY BEANS [02:15 AM] Bocaj: she was completely naked in that scene where she had the breakdown in that other issue and she didn't get the gold booties there [02:15 AM] Wack'd: She didn't but also because up until that point she was Somebody Else's Probemed into not seeing them, remember? [02:15 AM] Wack'd: And so we the audience didn't either [02:16 AM] maxwellelvis: Like the clown graffiti all over John's house [02:16 AM] Wack'd: Johnny uses his fire absorption powers to keep the building from burning down and gives chase [02:18 AM] Wack'd: He catches up to Frankie and gives her a crash course in steering and pacing herself before she and her new ecstasy for life burns down New York [02:18 AM] Wack'd: And she explains Frankie Backstory 2.0 [02:19 AM] Wack'd: She was raised by a simple repairman, a good man, who suddenly lost his friggin composure when the Fantastic Four arrived [02:19 AM] Wack'd: Ranting about how dare Johnny call himself the Human Torch, he dragged her to an old warehouse and began raving about old experiments [02:20 AM] Wack'd: Frankie humors him for a bit but while carrying an old oil drum it bursts into flames, leaving her miraculously unharmed [02:20 AM] Bocaj: Simple repairman has a point. Kind of rude, Johnny [02:20 AM] Bocaj: Jim was a war hero, ya dink [02:21 AM] Wack'd: And then dear old stepdad hypnotized her and abandoned her [02:21 AM] Bocaj: 😐 [02:22 AM] Wack'd: A year later a package arrived with a tape recorder and a gold costume. The tape recorder hypnotized her into putting on the costume and then erased her memories [02:22 AM] maxwellelvis: What a drip [02:22 AM] Wack'd: Anyway from all this Johnny deduces her stepdad was Phineas Horton [02:22 AM] Wack'd: But you guys already figured that out, I bet [02:23 AM] maxwellelvis: I forgot who he was. [02:23 AM] Wack'd: Jim Hammond's dad [02:23 AM] maxwellelvis: Oh [02:24 AM] Wack'd: Anyway Johnny decides to become her mentor and, after she tries to fly as high as possible and runs into that pesky atmosphere problem, takes her back to the Baxter to have Reed run some tests and figure out what her limits are [02:24 AM] Bocaj: I'm for once not sad that Ultron killed him after forcing him to turn the original human torch into the Vision [02:25 AM] Bocaj: Until Byrne retcons that to not be the case because dude loves him some jim hammond [02:26 AM] Wack'd: Anyway I misremembered what Frankie's deal was. I assumed android [02:26 AM] Wack'd: But Reed thinks that whatever was in that fateful oil drum was some sort of superscience chemical that mutated her [02:26 AM] Wack'd: Not sure what the point of her being a nevernude was [02:27 AM] Wack'd: Or why Phineas Horton brainwashed his fourteen year old daughter into wearing a strapless bathing suit at all times [02:28 AM] maxwellelvis: The guy labeled Jim a renegade when he showed the first signs of not being completely under his command [02:28 AM] Wack'd: It sure is a good thing this teenager with no parental guidance never did anything where that bathing suit might've become a problem! [02:28 AM] maxwellelvis: guy's a drip [02:29 AM] Wack'd: Reed has proven his hypothesis that biological sex determines how flame powers work I guess??!?!?

[02:29 AM] Wack'd: What sort of cis nonsense is this [02:30 AM] maxwellelvis: Johnny speaks for us all [02:30 AM] Wack'd: What all that means is "after a period of suitable training, we may be calling our friends at Marvel Comics and telling them to start publishing the Fantastic Five!" [02:31 AM] Bocaj: This is a thing that marvel does sometimes [02:31 AM] Wack'd: Good news for all those Spider-Girl fans I guess [02:31 AM] Bocaj: They've decided that Laura Kinney's foot claw is what girl wolverines be like [02:31 AM] Wack'd: *sigh* [02:33 AM] Bocaj: I'll say that Spider-Girl did it better by not saying, as far as I recall, that the difference was because man vs woman. [02:34 AM] Wack'd: Okay so we have another story in this issue [02:34 AM] Wack'd: Well, two, kind of [02:35 AM] Wack'd: First a brief interlude in which it is established at some point the Four will be going to the tiny town of Benson, Arizona to investigate cases of people being "frightened to death" [02:36 AM] maxwellelvis: @Wack'd My primary suspect is this man [02:37 AM] Bocaj: Put those tingles away [02:37 AM] Wack'd: Here's a Sue pinup which I'm mostly crossposting to see if I can wrangle a coherent set of interests out of her bookshelf

[02:38 AM] Wack'd: Pogo's on there. Sue has good taste in comics [02:38 AM] Bocaj: I was about to say [02:38 AM] Wack'd: And now on to our second feature [02:38 AM] maxwellelvis: She's got a copy of Shogun in there [02:39 AM] maxwellelvis: Dangerous Visions, a sci-fi anthology [02:39 AM] Wack'd: Meet Crow T. Rob--I mean, HERBIE 2.0

[02:40 AM] maxwellelvis: "You listen to me, 'Mr. Fantastic', you are NOT my real father!" [02:40 AM] Wack'd: "I want to decide who lives and who dies!" "So long as Franklin is in the 'lives' category I'm strangely okay with that" [02:41 AM] maxwellelvis: "Hey, Franklin, the secret word for today is 'booger'! Booger booger booger booger-AAAUGH!" [02:41 AM] Wack'd: Anyway this is not the only surprise Reed has in store today! [02:42 AM] Wack'd: He also has A Cure for Being the Thing Number Fucktillion [02:42 AM] Bocaj: Panel 2 Franklin does not look like a child [02:42 AM] Wack'd: He looks like a 1950s Western bit player [02:43 AM] maxwellelvis: "Oh great, another cure! How does this one work, and where can I hide when it backfires?" [02:43 AM] Wack'd: Ben is skeptical but as Reed points out science is always marching on [02:44 AM] Wack'd: He has more data than he's ever had [02:44 AM] Wack'd: Ben you've never asked her that before because it's literally never come up before. Fuck she's dated you while you were cured! Remember when you were riding around in that robot suit?

[02:45 AM] Wack'd: Anyway [02:45 AM] Wack'd: The machine blows up [02:46 AM] Wack'd: Welp

[02:47 AM] Bocaj: Could be worse [02:47 AM] Bocaj: At least its not pinecone grimm [02:47 AM] maxwellelvis: Oh that's coming [02:47 AM] Wack'd: Could be covered in bees. That'd be pretty bad [02:47 AM] maxwellelvis: Not for Ben it wouldn't. [02:47 AM] maxwellelvis: Unless they flew into his mouth. [02:47 AM] Bocaj: "Hahah sting you fuckers" [02:48 AM] Bocaj: "This time it is permanent!" Reed shut up [02:48 AM] Wack'd: Anyway this sure is weird nostalgia baiting [02:49 AM] Wack'd: Folks have done plenty of Lee/Kirby throwback stuff but was anyone nostalgic for this, like, at all [02:50 AM] Wack'd: Also like. C'mon Bryne, integrate your story developments naturally. You shouldn't need an entire issue where all that happens is status quo changes [02:50 AM] maxwellelvis: @Bocaj You might know, had Byrne ever written a comic book before his FF run? [02:51 AM] Wack'd: I guess Frankie was integrated a little naturally (even if she went from recent love interest to team member in no time flat) but the Ben is fairly hamfisted [02:51 AM] Wack'd: You can just check Marvel Wiki [02:51 AM] Bocaj: He co-plotted with Claremont I know [02:51 AM] Bocaj: And Claremont was big on the idea of co-plotting. [02:51 AM] maxwellelvis: But this would be his first, like, his first time flying solo? [02:52 AM] Wack'd: Dude has a lot of X-Men credits and some Captain Americas [02:52 AM] Bocaj: His first writing credit was on Iron Fist apparently [02:52 AM] Bocaj: at Marvel [02:54 AM] Bocaj: But from a skim of wikipedia fantastic four was his first extended solo writing thing

[sebeth]

Fantastic Four #13 - 15

Warning, Spoilers Ahead…

 A Brief Summary:

Debuts:

·         Red Ghost & the Super-Apes

·         Blue Area of the Moon

·         The Watcher

·         The Mad Thinker & His Awesome Android

Favorite Cover:  #13 – The Red Ghost emerges from the ground and Sue is the only one to notice.

Invisible Girl Hostage Count: 7 out of 15 issues

Points Of Interest:

·         We open with Reed’s lab exploding due to a failed experiment with a new type of energy for rocket propulsion. Reed’s okay because he was encased in his “protective stretch-suit” that is “lined with asbestos”. Reed’s in more danger from his protective suit than he is from the fumes of his failed experiment!

·         Reed has discovered a “booster fuel powerful enough to enable us to catch up to the Reds in the race to the moon”. “The Reds” part of Reed’s explosion has been retconned due to the sliding timescale.  The source of the fuel is composed of “substances found in a meteor crater”. Reed continues “a meteor fell in Siberia some time ago, flattening one hundred miles of forest!” It’s a real-world event that happened in 1908 – its commonly known as the Tunguska Event.  Reed explored an American meteor crater in Arizona to gather samples.  The American part of the explanation is in bold font so the reader can be sure no Communist sources were used in the fictional comics.

·         Reed announces that he will be heading to the mysterious Blue Area of the Moon after he finalized the rocket. Ben informs Reed the entire team will accompany him. Reed protests: “No! No! It’s too dangerous – too untested! I can’t ask you to risk your lives with me!” Reed has apparently learned a few lessons from the initial, failed rocket flight of issue one.

·         Ben crams Reed into a small tube until Reed concedes the entire team will go to the moon. A cute scene but I’m not sure how Reed fit into the small tube – he stretches, he doesn’t shrink.

·         We switch locations, we are now “behind the Iron Curtain”.  An old man is training a gorilla, a baboon, and an orangutan in various feats. The old man decides it is time to go to the moon to “claim it for the Communist empire”.

·         The “race for the moon” was an actual concern for the United States and the Soviet Union in the early 1960s. The sliding timescale retcons the national pride motivations from Reed and the Red Ghost. Reed’s modern motivation can simply be scientific curiosity and exploration.  It’s not too hard to modernize the Red Ghost’s motivation either as we discover Ivan Kragoff (the old man) intentionally left his ship unshielded against cosmic rays. Ivan and his primates are transformed by the rays.

·         The Four notice Ivan’s ship. Johnny flies into space to investigate the ship. Johnny has a new atmo-web suit that releases an artificial atmosphere, allowing Johnny to flame on in space.

·         Ivan discovers the primates have changed – the gorilla has superhuman strength, the baboon can shape-change, and the orangutan has the power of magnetism.

·         Johnny reports back to Reed: “There’s one human commie in that ship – and three different apes – each with some kinda super power!”

·         Reed deduces “The lone human must be Ivan Kragoff, the Red’s top space pioneer! He’s been vowing to be the first human on the moon!” How does Reed deduce Ivan’s identity in modern times?  “He’s crazy and really loves monkeys!”

·         The Four land in the Blue Area of the Moon and discover the remains of a long-dead city. The Four leave the ship – without protection – as Sue proclaims “Reed! There’s air here! We won’t need masks!” Shouldn’t you have checked for that before you left the ship without protective outfits and oxygen. Reed Richards, World’s Smartest Man, strikes again!

·         Ben wanders away from the team and encounters the Red Ghost and his apes. Ivan has gained the power of intangibility. Ben’s brawl with the apes in interrupted by the appearance of the Watcher: “Cease this useless conflict! The Watcher commands you!” The Watcher imprisons Red Ghost and the apes in force bubbles.

·         The Watcher recaps his origin: “I come from a world so far from here that you do not even suspect his existence! Our entire home planet is one vast, gigantic computer. My people roam the entire known universe, watching, observing other worlds…But during all the ages, we have done nothing but watch, never have we interfered! Never have we made our presence known!”

·         The Watcher announces he’s broken the no-interference rule because they’re fighting on his doorstep.  Glad to see the Watcher’s is committed to the principles of his race!

·         The Watcher teleports the two teams to fight in another section of the Blue Area. The Watcher is nothing but an old man yelling at kids to stay off his porch!

·         Ivan holds Sue hostage and, of course, she is helpless against an old man.

·         Sue manages to free herself and free the apes from Ivan’s mental control. Go Sue!

·         The Red Ghost invades the Watcher’s home. The Watcher terrorizes Ivan before evicting him from the premises.

·         The Watcher announces “Now that mankind has reached the moon, I must go to a more distant part of the galaxy, to observe you mortals from afar! For we Watchers must ever be aloof – ever apart from all other races!

·         1) Definitely an old man who wants the kids off his porch, and 2) No one would have been aware of his existence if he hadn’t teleported in and announced his presence!

·         The Four leave the moon as Red Ghost is chased by his apes into the Blue Area.

·         The next issue opens with the Four returning from the moon. The Four are met by reporters and excited crowds – the Four are the first people to land on the moon in the Marvel Universe.

·         Johnny is not as fond of the spotlight in the early issues: “What a mob! Maybe if I flame off, I can lose myself in the crowd!”

·         Reed is swarmed by excited women of rival Mister Fantastic fan clubs: “Now girls, take it easy! Let’s not lose our dignity!”

·         The Golden Angel, a wrestler, arrives to challenge the Thing. Ben stuffs him in a garbage can.

·         Sue is offered endorsement and Hollywood contracts.

·         Johnny creates a “whirling warm air form” and “creates a suction in a vacuum” that yanks the Four – and only the Four – into the air and dumps the team onto the roof of the Baxter Building. We’ll put that feat down to Silver Age nonsense.

·         The boys decide its nap time – Johnny does so fully aflame (!) – while Sue chooses to “do a little housecleaning”. Reed mandates: “Just as long as you do it silently.” Reed, my dude, I’m not sure how you survived that comment.

·         Reed, after taking a nap and playing in his lab, decides to find Sue so she can type his scientific report. Reed finds Sue observing the ocean. He’s annoyed over Sue’s continued fascination with Namor. For the world’s smartest man, Reed isn’t so bright. I wonder why Sue’s obsessing over the handsome man avidly pursuing her instead of the man who mostly ignores her in favor of his lab!

·         Reed muses to himself: “For now, thought the world knows me as the invincible Mister Fantastic, I am unable to win my most cherished goal! I am unable to completely conquer the heart of the girl I love!” Try putting actual effort in the relationship, Reed!

·         The Puppet Master, despite being presumed dead, has been released from a “seedy little sanitorium outside of town”.

·         The Puppet Master carves a Sub-Mariner figure and unleashes him on the Four.

·         Namor tricks Sue into meeting him. He uses a “hypno-fish” to hypnotize Sue and encase her into an air bubble. Namor and Sue return to “his domain” under the sea.

·         The Four realize Namor has kidnapped Sue. Alicia demands to accompany Ben on the voyage: “If anything were to happen to you, I don’t know what I’d do! You mean so much to me! And I’d be alone with no one to look after me!” Ben caves and allows Alicia to come along. I don’t think taking a civilian blind woman underneath the ocean is the wisest course of action.

·         The team heads into the ocean and battle a “giant undersea porcupine” and an underwater tornado.”

·         Johnny debuts a “white hot flame” that turns water into steam.

·         Namor unleashes a giant scavenger clam that captures the team.

·         Namor battles the boys. He defeats Johnny with a “ravenous unthinking flame-eater”, puts down Ben with a dagger-needle coral and deep-sea fungus but struggles with Reed’s stretching abilities. Ben recovers and dives into a tank to save Sue from a giant octopus.

·         The Puppet Master urges Namor to kill the team but he struggles against the command.

·         Alicia comments “Although I cannot see, I sense another presence here! I sense a mental power – a sinister control – like the power of my step-father, the Puppet Master!” Alicia definitely has psychic abilities.

·         Sue breaks up the brawl between the men. The Puppet Master is attacked by a giant octopus, breaking his control over the Sub-Mariner. Namor collapses like a Victorian woman having a case of the vapors.

·         Namor orders the team to return to the surface. Namor, being Namor, can’t resist a final taunt: “Take the girl, Reed Richards, take her, and hold her if you can! But heed my words, never shall she forget Prince Namor!”

·         Johnny’s finally succeeded on going out with Peggy after many broken dates. Isn’t Johnny dating Dorrie Evans over in Strange Tales? The date is broken by the 4’s emergency signal appearing in the sky.

·         Sue’s at the hair salon when she sees the signal. She turns invisible as she “can’t run through the streets with curlers in my hair”.

·         Ben’s feud with Yancy Street Gang escalates but he’s prevented from hurling a bulldozer (!) at the gang by the appearance of the signal. I know the Yancy Street Gang is annoying but hurling bulldozers is a bit extreme – and liable to land you in prison.

·         Reed reveals he had to stop his own experiment with D.N.A. – he has even managed to “create a primitive form of one-celled life which lived for a few seconds” – due to an urgent phone call from the police. “Top mobsters and gang leaders from all over the country are flocking to New York” and the chief of police wants the Four to handle it.  Not sure why. Sue’s abilities are a natural fit for espionage but the rest of the team? Not so much. Not to mention the Four doesn’t handle “street crime”. Wouldn’t Spider-Man and Daredevil be the more logical choices for this type of situation?

·         The mobsters are meeting with the Thinker – he wants to form a gigantic kingdom of crime with him as the king. And then he’s going to declare New York an independent kingdom and become its ruler! The Thinker started with an attainable goal and took a sharp turn into “never gonna happen” territory.

·         The Thinker has devised plans to distract the Four: Johnny runs off to join his cousins in the circus, Reed’s offered a job at General Electronics, the Thing becomes a professional wrestler, and Sue is offered a starring role in a Broadway show.

·         The Four decide to pursue their individual goals – not so much a breakup of the team as there is nothing to do and they’re bored.

·         Reed and science experiments are a life-long pairing and Ben will be a professional wrestler multiple times during his life – most noticeably in his solo series in the 1980s. Johnny’s desire to be a circus star is a one-time thing and comes out of nowhere – becoming a race car driver would be a much more logical dream for him. The possibility of Sue becoming an actress has now been referenced two issues in a role. I don’t think it goes anywhere though. It might have been nice for Sue to have another role besides big sister, romance object, or hostage.

·         Sue’s goodbye outfit is very stylish – very reminiscent of Jackie Kennedy.

·         The Four leave New York as the Thinker begins his takeover of crime.

·         The Four grow bored with their “vacation” roles and return to the Baxter Building – only to discover it’s been turned into a gigantic crystal.

·         The Four battle the Thinker’s death traps, mobsters, and the Awesome Android. Reed immediately claims credit for the Android: “It’s a form of artificial life, created by the Thinker from my own notes!” Reed and the Thinker will feud over credit for the creation of the Awesome Android for decades.

·         Sue gets the credit for the Android’s defeat as Reed guides her into powering it off.

·         The Four capture the Thinker who blames his defeat on his failure to plan for the “x-factor” of human nature.

·         Poor Thinker – no independent kingdom for him!

[sandygoestospace]

Sandy Goes to Space

The Year 2003

Miss Lucy peered over the classroom and cleared her throat. “Good morning, everyone. I hope you enjoyed your morning walk. Let’s now settle in for today’s lesson. Baxter, stop scratching your rear. Pay attention.”

Sandy watched Miss Lucy intently. She started daycare just two weeks earlier, and Miss Lucy’s morning lesson was her favorite part of the day. Sandy loved to learn.

“Today, we’ll be discussing outer space.” Miss Lucy looked to the window and pointed her stick upward. All the little heads followed, and an object flew by. “That’s a spaceship, everyone. That’s how you travel through space.” Miss Lucy looked over at Bubba. “Except you, Bubba. You should never go to space. You’ll have trouble breathing.” Sandy flipped her ears open. She wanted to hear every little detail.

The Year 2015

My goodness, I hate mornings. I think I get it from my original caretaker. Brigitte always loved sleeping in and cuddling, and when you’re a small Cocker Spaniel, cuddling is not a bad thing. I dare say, it’s a great thing. Brigitte would always wake up at the first sound of her alarm and then shut it off immediately. “Come here, Sandy,” she’d say to me as I laid at the end of the bed. Then, she’d pull me in, and we’d enjoy the last minutes of the morning together in a warm embrace. Oh, how I miss Brigitte. Now, I just sleep outside of her door, and when the sun hits my eyes, I’m up. I’m 84-years-old – 13 in human years – and I can’t sleep like I used to. Anyway, up and at ‘em.

I head downstairs for my morning lady tasks. It’s a bit bizarre to the outside world, but I am currently permitted to urinate and defecate in the home. I have to admit that it’s rather convenient. I hear the ladies at daycare complain about going outside in the rain and cold, and I proudly brag about my living arrangement. You most likely are wondering how this affects the smell of the home. Well, I do these things in the basement. I have my own little corner, and the smell does not travel to the rest of the house. It’s quite wonderful really. Since Brigitte moved away, her parents are my caretakers, and they’re very kind to an old bitch like myself.

All done, and it’s time for my morning news. Brigitte’s father frequently falls asleep on the couch while watching Fox News. This is good because I haven’t been able to master the television’s remote control. Every time I try to press a button, my paw seems to hit four of them. I’ve given up, but if the television is already on, I’m happy to sit and learn about current events. It seems that election season is upon us, and I have to tell you, I am really disappointed with the Republican candidates for president. I tend to lean red, but it would seem to me that there are some backward stances within the party. For example, what’s the problem with gay marriage? I think that a simple homosexual encounter would do these people some good. One time at doggy daycare, I had a bit of a moment with a beautiful French Bulldog. Her name was Yvette, and as it is with the French, she had such a nice coat. It was a spontaneous occurrence, but let me tell you, I’ve never been pleasured like that by a male. Maybe Marco and Jeb should open a nice bottle of chardonnay and ease some of their sexual tension. Donald seems the experimental type. Perhaps he can help Dr. Carson open his mind. Of course, there are some other issues too. How about climate change? I agree with many of the economic plans. For example, trickle-down economics is super. The quality of my treats improved under the Bush administration. But, the Republicans need to join the 21st century on some other issues. Hm, speaking of ladies, Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s legs look phenomenal this morning.

It’s a normal day in Brooklyn. Things are good.

---

I awake from my nap to the sound of Brigitte’s mother on the phone with her daughter. “Ok, fine. I’ll send Sandy to you. I know you miss her. I’m so worried that she’s too old for the move though.”

Yeah, dear. I’m worried too! Where’d this idea come from? I have friends here. I have a comfortable couch here. I get to defecate and urinate in the home! Yes, I miss Brigitte. I don’t deny it. But, she visits, and I see her often enough. As they say in the movies, “I’m too old for this shit.” (Excuse my language, please.)

“I’ll look at tickets tonight.”

Tickets?! This can’t be good. Tickets means one thing – space travel. After we lost Bubba five years ago, I’ve been terrified at the thought. No matter that I’m not engineered with a Bulldog’s flat face; it’s a risk I don’t need. Brigitte’s mother walks over to her computer. I’m in trouble.

---

The car starts, and it’s time for the road to my death. Here’s what’s running through my mind: 1) If I had Hasselbeck’s legs, I’d, of course, be able to reach over and save myself. Those legs come with the pointiest heels. I love Brigitte’s father, but he’d get a stiletto in the arm, for sure. Maybe even the neck; 2) I didn’t get a proper last meal. Even the psychopaths on death row are treated better. If I were given a last meal, it’d be filet mignon cooked medium rare with a fruit salad for dessert. Fruit is my favorite thing in the world, and I really only need two items in the salad – apples and oranges; 3) How will I be secured for space travel? Our friend Twixy the Pomeranian told us that she was permitted to board inside of the ship. Oscar the Great Dane was forced into the cargo hold. I believe that the answer to my question is grounded in the size of the dog. I’m between Twixy and Oscar, but what the “F” does that mean for me? (Again, excuse my language); 4) If I ever see Brigitte, I will bite her.

We pull up to the space station. Ships are taking off and landing. There’s a rhythm to the process. A bit like Tchaikovsky’s Swan Lake – peaceful. From my understanding, it’s different when you’re inside the ship. More like Jagger’s Satisfaction – raucous. We park, and Brigitte’s mother leads me by the noose (leash, whatever) to the station. I see no other dogs, which is depressing. It’d be nice to have some companionship in this scary moment. But, I’m a strong woman, and I will face death with courage.

When we get inside the station, it’s straight to a lady wearing a uniform and standing beside a tall podium. She must be important.

“Hi there. I’m sending this dog to Atlanta,” says Brigitte’s mother. “I’m worried about the trip. Can she be kept in the closet inside the cabin?”

“No, ma’am,” the important lady says. “This dog is too large. She’ll have to go in cargo.”

Blast it. To the cargo hold it is.

“And, do you have a cage for her?” asks the important lady.

“No.”

“Ok. Well, I’ll have one brought over.” The lady makes a phone call and then returns to her conversation with Brigitte’s mother. They discuss the details of my space travel, and as they conclude, a cage is delivered. This is my electric chair. The place in which I will perish.

I decide that I won’t go without a fight. I usually put up a moderate battle when it’s time to wash my ears or take my medicine. I don’t like these things. I’m not dirty and I’m not sickly, so I never understand the necessity for squirting cold ooze into my ear canal. The sad part is that I frequently lose this battle. But this time, it’s a matter of life or death; I cannot allow myself to lose. I start swinging my paws as Brigitte’s mother tries to pick me up and move me into the cage. I will not go. I scratch her. This does not bring me happiness, by the way. I like Brigitte’s mother, but I also like living. Living is good. Dying? not as good. She bleeds a bit and spanks me on the rear. I do not relent. I start chomping at her hands. I’m very embarrassed at my behavior, particularly because I am in public. But, the goal and the reasoning are clear. This goes on for a few minutes and then a second human enters the picture. The important lady steps down from her desk and, together, she and Brigitte’s mother surround me. I try to make a break for it, but they catch me. I’m placed in the cage, the door is closed, and the important lady sets me on a black roadway that slowly moves forward. I lost. The trouble continues.

---

At this point, I feel that there is nothing I can do. I’m thrown around a big warehouse like a bag of feces. It’s cold and dark, and in the distance, I hear a howl from a Bassett Hound. I lack the energy to call back. Here’s what I’m thinking: 1) People really have some ugly suitcases. I think my least favorite are the ones with all of the stickers on them. I understand that you’re proud of your travels, but act like you’ve been there before. Oh. Hehe. I can’t help but laugh. Sometimes, I do crack myself up. You get the point though; 2) I’ve never slept with a Bassett Hound. I wonder if there are some kinky tricks that can be played with those ears; 3) How do I get from this warehouse into the spaceship? Will there be any opportunity for escape? If I escape, where do I go? I’ve never been very good at finding home. I once was lost for three weeks after chasing a boy with a hotdog on a hot summer day. I got the hotdog, which was delicious, but I also got rather lost. So, even if I can escape, are the odds of death by escape higher or lower than the odds of death by space travel?; 4) If I ever see Brigitte, not only will I bite her, but I will defecate in her Prada bag. I’m too tired to think about anything else.

Oh, a treat in my cage. I eat it up, and then, in a sense of defeat, I close my eyes. If I have to go, I want to go in my sleep.

---

They drugged me! I hate pills, and I’m rarely tricked by those sneaky pockets. This time, though, they got me. I notice that I seem to already be in the cargo hold. This is interesting because it means I’m not dead. It’s rather loud, and it’s very cold. I’m not happy.

I guess I’ve survived takeoff, and that my death will occur during the flight. Before it happens, let me impart some wisdom that only old age can teach. It’ll do you some good. Lesson #1 – if he looks crazy, he’s probably crazy, so stay away. Ladies, this is for you. Men don’t change, and no, you’re not the one that will set him straight. I had an adventurous period in my life when I had eyes for a Beagle named Freddie. Now, how can I put this lightly? Freddie was a few dog treats short of a picnic. He was always putting his face in the garbage and drinking from the toilet. He had a wonderful sense of humor and a very athletic physique, so I looked past his shortcomings. I tried to train him, but nada, zilch, zippo. He was helpless. Don’t waste your time trying to change animals. They are who they are. Lesson #2 – always keep an open mind to other viewpoints. Let’s talk politics again. Today, I see too many folks entrenched in their own opinions. It’s always good to listen to other people. And, most importantly, while you’re listening, actually listen. Don’t spend the time preparing your rebuttal. We’re not Democrats or Republicans. We’re people, so embrace difference, be respectful, and learn to compromise. Otherwise, move to North Korea. Everyone agrees under a Communist dictator. Lesson #3 – treat your friends with lots of love because friendship is a special thing. You shouldn’t take it for granted. Always be considerate of people that love you and that care about you. Call on birthdays, but also call on other days. Don’t just wait for special occasions. You know, Brigitte really is my best friend. She’s always so caring and kind. I love that she asks her mother about my health, which actually isn’t so great; I’m just stubborn. I love that she takes me for long walks outside when she’s home, because it’s not always great to defecate where you eat. And, I love that she knows my little ticklish spot. I really love Brigitte. Hm. That’s something to think about.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! The ship felt like it just dropped thirty feet. It’s happening. I’m going to die! I hate space! If I ever see Brigitte, I’m going to bite her, defecate in her Prada bag, and snore in her ear. I’m closing my eyes. My opinion has not changed – I want to die in peace.

---

The ship shakes and the contents of the cargo hold start moving. Boom! A big suitcase slams into my cage. My little body rattles around the plastic walls. What’s going on? Did we crash? The ship is extremely loud, and it feels like the speed is changing drastically. I don’t understand.

Then, I hear something very faintly. I perk up my ears. “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Atlanta where the local time is 4:45PM.”

I don’t think I’m dreaming. How can I tell though? I nibble myself, and seemingly, I’m awake. This is real. I’ve survived space travel. Let me get a bit Brooklyn on you – I’m the toughest bitch on the block, yo.

The ship starts moving slowly and then stops. The door to the cargo hold opens, and men start taking suitcases and boxes out of the ship. Then, they remove my cage. Daylight! I’m placed on a truck, and I start moving toward the space station. It’s different than the one in New York. Interesting.

---

Well, I’m in Atlanta. Life isn’t so bad, and I have to say, I think I can retire here just fine. Long walks, warm sun, and plenty of tummy rubs. It’s nice to have a best friend who cares, even if I did defecate in her Prada bag. Wipe that look off your face! That broad put me through space.