#basically unstable as shit all week since. and now this and i dont know what to think

[scrambled-eggsed]

.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for vague posting about my ex after he got me an expensive but upsetting gift?

I (23 m) and my ex (22 m) have only been separated from our 2 year long relationship for a few months now. I was the one who broke things off and I wanted to stay friends, however, for reasons I feel are obvious, this was super difficult for him. We went a while without talking regularly, and he was often very upset with me and short, and would vague me online (very privately). It made me really upset to be treated that way but I didnt say anything since he was grieving and processing our breakup. About a month into our split, my service cat passed I was extremely distraught and upset, like this was my best friend and it was so sudden, I was unstable from grief, but he reached out with his condolences and I really appreciated it. We talked more and seemed to be reconnecting and I was super excited about it. I came over to him to help him fix his car, picked him up from the airport, etc. I had missed him so much and were finally hanging out again!! I had been grieving quietly for another month when, while I'm petsitting his cats for him, he tells me about a gift he left for me. I open it to a letter saying that basically he was having a hard time getting over our breakup and that he didnt know if hed ever be over it, but he was sorry for my recent loss. I unpackaged the gift to reveal one of those 3D felted cat portraits of my late best friend. It was too much for me to see him in 3D again and I started sobbing and freaking out immediately. I texted him thanking him for the gift, but saying it was too soon for me to have recieved it, but I didnt elaborate much on that for fear he'd be upset that his gift has hurt me. I didn't have many other people to personally reach out to about my grief. My friends all seriously disliked this guy for most of my relationship with him (he had done some really upsetting shit to me several times before he was medicated and they thought he was bad for me) and I didnt want to talk shit about him like theyd want to, I like this guy a lot... I also posted privately online that I had recieved a gift (not saying what it was, not saying who it was from) that I wasnt ready to get and that it was sending me into a grief spiral again. I didnt use his name because I worried people would comment to talk shit about him and he would see. Well a friend of mine made a comment saying that whoever gave it to me should have thought more about how I would feel to recieve it. I responded basically telling my friend that I wasnt upset about the gift giver, just the gift itself had caused me to relive some stuff I wasnt ready for. But my ex saw and reached out to me saying "oh so your friends think I'm a bad person? I can take the gift back then." Which I tried to argue that I really loved the gift and that I didnt think he was a bad person. I showed him that I had disagreed with my friend, and rhat I wasnt venting about a good thing he did for me, but rather the post was more about my grief for the loss of my pet. The argument basically ended with me saying that I felt I needed to be totally emotionally sterile for his comfort and wasnt allowed to feel my grief publicly, and him saying that I could feel grief but I shouldnt have vagued him because then people could freely comment and judge him since he was nameless in the post. I deleted my post and agreed with him that I probably shouldnt have made the post at all, I apologized and hoped we could move on, but he replied with "dont talk to me" and blocked me on the social media where I made the post. I ended up reaching out again a few days ago (a week from our fight) to apologize for having gone too far during our argument and suggesting we meet in person to talk. He told me that our argument had made him the most manic he had ever been and that he appreciated the option to talk it out in person but he was very angry that I would treat him like that after saying I wanted to maintain a friendship. I apologized again, saying I wish we could be nicer to each other and we havent talked since.

(I'm trying to keep this as neutral as possible, all my friends are on my side but I still feel like it might be because they just never liked him...)

What are these acronyms?

[sweater-daddiesdumbdork]

Your Living It

Summary-  (Playing It Cool) He x Y/N (later i will give him a proper name besides he or me) Frustrated with the latest romcom, you two go out for some fun. Smut. Fir @official-and-unstable-satan​ Hope this is what you were hoping for babes. 

Word Count- 2.7k

“Babes, can you like, not leave notes all over everything?” You playfully scold as you gather the papers he had scattered across the entire kitchen, and he raced in, throwing his hands up rapidly. 

“STOP RIGHT THERE! Babygirl dont you dare move” 

Wide eyed you pause, the papers half shuffled together when he comes over and takes them from your hand. His brows furrow as he studies them, before putting them back on the counter just where they were before. “A method to my madness, just… dont clean.” 

“But how am I supposed to cook dinner then?” You whinned a bit, arms folding over your chest, and he straightened out some of the papers before turning to you. 

“Ummm, pizza? Bowling alley pizza?” You wince a bit and then he adds “With bowling alley beer?” You nod then with a grin and he busts out in a grin to, and wraps an arm around you to pull you in close, kissing your lips quickly. “Thanks for putting up with me, but Im almost done with the script for Bryan and hes been riding my ass for it.” 

Your hands smooth along his chest, and up around his neck, he had been STRESSING over this thing for weeks, “Riding your ass and pulling your hair huh? I should really call Bryan and tell him to lay off or else.” You joked, and he wiggled his brows, tickling along your back.

“Well thats better done in person after all. I need to see his reaction” You lean up and catch that grin of his one more time, a more playful teasing kiss with a nibble and trace of tongue before you step away. “Give me five minutes and I will be ready to go.” 

“Okay! See you in ten then!” He called over his shoulder and laughed when your middle finger shot up at him and you slammed the bedroom door shut, laughing yourself. Once you closed the door, he went over to his laptop, sitting and staring at the screen. Its cursor blinked at him . “fucken hell” He muttered as he slammed the screen down, frustrated at coming up with the ending. 

You pop back out just as he plasters a smile on his face and his eyes rake over your form, even in damn black leggings and a tank, the whole ensamble hugging your curves. Fuck you looked good, You always did. “See! Five minutes.” He gasped as he took your hand to lead you along, fingers wrapping with yours. “A first? One of many? The world may never know.” 

What a dumbass, you thought but couldnt help but laugh regardless. Going to the car, you two headed out, while he was driving you texted Scott. 

‘Hey buddy, wanna play bowl a round or two, or you to caught up in something?’

‘No! Be there, get that end lane if you can.”

Tossing your phone up on the dashboard just as you two pulled in “Scotts gonna play with us.” And he just nodded, making sure his wallet was in his pocket. 

“Good, he whupped my ass last time, time to pay back the favor.” 

Sure enough you were able to lock down the lane on the end, while he went to go get a couple heartburn pizza slices and mildly warm beers, grabbing enough for Scott as well, there was nothing quite like bowling alley fare, you test the balls and set to put the names on the screen. Bowler 1- HottStuff 2.Wifeypoo 3.BlueBallMC. He glanced up at the screen and smirked “You really think im Hott Stuff, Wifey?”

You snort just as Scott comes in and also looks at the screen. “What the hell guys, come on!” 

You look all innocent and make a pointing motion to your man, wrinkling your nose as if in distaste. 

“Seriously dude? Just cause I have a blue ball…. “ he grumbles as he unzips his bag and takes out gloves and a shiny blue ball. You two just pick random ones from the selection. 

“What? It wasnt me.” the two of them bicker about the name calling and you take your slice of pizza, nipping on the end with a satisfied grin, putting your feet up in the seat next to you. He takes the first bowl, making a fist pump when it hit just right and scattered the pins across the alley. “I told Y/N i was kicking your ass today Scott” 

“As if man… “ Scott is polishing his ball, looking all serious, while you to to take yours. You honestly dont care, your just shooting the ball down the lane, and hands on hips, waiting to see how the pins fall. You get three, well your happy with that. The other two though, it was almost a tie torwards the middle of the set. 

“Hey, I will be back, gonna get another pitcher of beer” You offer when you noticed it was down to the dredges, and he poured out the last of it into his cup before handing it over. “Thanks babe” as you walk a little tap on the ass makes you smirk and a little spring in your step. 

Taking a quick break while your away, Scott stretches his arms out front of him to stay loose. “So hows that latest script coming by the way? Last message I got from you was a bunch of nonsense about how you suck at anything romantic” 

Rubbing his head he sighed “I dont know why Bryan keeps laying these lame ass rom coms on me. I cant write them worth a shit, and they just suck. Im so stuck on a ending now, and my deadline is in just a few days, after already getting an extension.” Carrying on, Scott kinda just shook his head at him. “What?”

“You man, you claim you cant write rom coms worth a shit, but come on. The last two were HUGE box office successes for you and look at you. You are basically living in one.” Scott pointed out as he moved to grab his ball, nodding towards the counter where you were chatting and paying for the beer. His head tilted, he honestly never thought of what you two shared in a movie sense. 

“Just saying man…. thats a love story right there without you even knowing it.” 

Yea, I am pretty lucky. He thought as you came back over, setting the pitcher down with the utmost care. He leaned forward and caught your hips, dragging you back into his lap. Wiggling in place, your legs draped over his, you mentioned to Scott. “2 more frames and the best bowler wins. Come on Blue Balls MC! You got this!” Red flamed the mans face and you tipped your head back laughing. He was watching you, but in a different light, just capturing the moment for himself. Fuck he was probably one of the luckiest people he knew. 

So He won, not by much and as the three of you went to leave, Scott promising a rematch later in the week when the whole group could get together and you were hugging Scott goodbye “Game on, I know Mallory wants to see you kick his ass you know.” 

“Oh I plan on it. Im gonna prime up the ball tonight with some new wax.” 

“Thats the stuff Scott” you encourage him, and wave as he left, the parking lot mostly empty with the late hour and He came up behind you, sliding his hands against your hips and you felt him brush the raze of his chin against your neck, tipping back with a light sigh. 

“You can beat him again baby.” 

“I love how you pit us together Y/N” Making you smirk deviously and turn to look up at him. 

“Girls gotta have her fun.” 

“Yea well, the guy does to.” Backing you up against the car and grasping your chin to tilt your face up, his face lowering close enough to brush his lips against yours. “Im thinking we have some fun right here.” You reach to his belt buckle and tug on it lightly, “Back seat or Front seat?” 

His hands were already sliding over your ass and grinding you into his groin. “Mmmhhh back” He let go to open the door, the two of you tumbling in with kisses and hands grabbing at clothes. You laid back as he hovered over you, your legs parting so he could lay between them and continue with sloppy kisses and your hands pushing through the buzzed hairs on his head and down to his back, wrapping your legs around his hips as he rolled them, sure to apply the pressure right at your core, that belt buckle just grinding into your nerves making you gasp right in his mouth. “Fuck baby… “ Scrambling your fingers into his shirt and tugging it over his head. 

He rolled yours up and lifting your head, disposed of the tank top on the floor, dropping his head to bite and suck the top of your breasts that were peeking over the top of your bra, he dragged a cup down enough to expose you, drawing that peak between his teeth and rolling lightly before sucking on it, causing another jolt and moan from you, your nails digging in lightly at his shoulder blades, and dragging down. He didnt stop there, lapping his tongue over the aroused peak and did the same with the other, your bra tightly wound around you while your breasts fell out the top, kneading firmly while teasing the tip. Shortly after that he unsnapped it and dragged it off.  He knew what that did to you, so sensitive and maddening, soon you were wriggling underneath him and in panting pleas. 

“Your driving me insane, I need you. NEED YOU INSIDE ME. Fuck me please?” 

“Since you ask so nicely babygirl” He lifts his head, his blue eyes flashing in the street light illuminating a part of your backseat. He grasps your leggings and panties drawing them down. In your impatience, you shift your legs to be rid of them. He hovered over you, dipping his hand between the two of you, teasing your wet warm folds, slicking your arousal up and down. 

“Cant wait can you baby? So wet and needy.” Dipping into your core and you tighten around him, needing that sensation. “Greedy is what you are, so tight.” 

You nod, and run your hands up and down his biceps, biting your lip. “God yes, so please? Pretty please? Fucking hell, please?” You bucked your hips under his hand and he swept down to kiss you deeply, and jerking at his belt, you purred against his tongue rolling around yours and started helping him, grabbing his belt loops and shimmying his pants down far enough so his cock was free, using your heels and toes to hook in his pants from behind and pull them down further, locking your ankles behind his back. 

He tilted your hips a bit more, and grasping his cock, lined up to your entrance, and started to push in. He was slow going at first, taking his time to not hurt you, but fuck that, you werent having none of that and with a roll of your hips, you deep seated him inside of you, hissing from the pure satisfaction while arching. 

“Oh shit baby! are you okay?” Your reaction misread by him, you grasp his ass that flexed under your hands and you nod. “Fuck yes, I wanted this, go right ahead!” 

Oh babygirl, he did. There was no slowing him down once he knew just what you were looking for. Deep long thrusts filling you, hips rotating to reach all those sensitive spots that had you at first moaning and panting but turned quickly into chanting, your head tipping back against the car door and digging your fingernails into his back, tightening your legs, just drawing him in against you, rutting harder and harder into you. 

The broadness of his chest, was friction to your entire body, burning. His mouth traveled down the length of your neck, nipping right at pulse points, and sucking to leave love bites in place. Yea hickeys were a teenage game, but he loved marking you, and you loved the challenge of hiding them. The car started squeaking with the motion of him pounding into you, and you hid your face in his shoulder to keep from laughing as he grunted over you “Baby, fuck im close…. “ You glanced up, and tipped your mouth up to kiss his straining neck, That spiral that settled in your belly soon caught up to his words, and your pussy clenched around his thrusting cock. Slicking a finger to help yourself along, you twirl it around your clit, and start panting. “Me to baby, together?” 

Tensing up while trying to leave yourself on the edge till he was ready, his thrusts became erratic plunging and seeking out an ending, you to let go, and scream his name, while arching your entire body, waves of pleasure sparking your eyesight, and above you, his mouth fell open with a deep gasp of your name, sinking himself into you that final time and his cum filled you, coating your walls while you milked him for all of it rolling your hips and clenching around him. His thrusts started to slow, and the car stopped swaying once he stopped and using an elbow next to you, he half leaned against you. His ragged breaths blew hotly against your shoulder and you nuzzled your own face into his neck, breathing him in deeply. You two were simply enjoying the moment when there was a knock on the window and a flashlight shinning in on you. 

“Fuck!” He jerked his hand down to the floor and snatched your tank top to cover your chest, lifting his other hand to shield his eyes. Scrambling, him pulling up his pants, and you ducking behind him, he rolled down the window to see a officer looking away on purpose. “Uuuh sorry officer? We were just leaving.” 

“I would say so son, we got a call from the closer here said your car was still parked in the lot, and there was some activity going on. How about you head on home and I wont issue a ticket, kay?” You are entirely red at this point and tugging on your clothes as fast as possible while trying to stay hidden behind him, rubbing your face in his back to keep quiet, trying not to laugh about being caught. Of course you two got caught getting randy fucked in the parking lot. 

“Right now, right away, thank you officer” He said and once the officer headed away, he rolled up his window quickly and fell back in the seat, deep laughter issuing from him. You sit next to him and sputter a bit, but he wraps you in his arms and tugs you in against him, kissing your neck, or trying to. It was mostly him huffing, and you to get caught up in it. “Baby we better get home, were lucky we didnt get in trouble.” 

“Yea, we probably should” He agreed, but was soon distracted in kissing you again and drawing out deep moans, a flicker of red and blue lights light up your car and you two broke apart, opening the back door and crawling out into the front seats. With a turn of the engine, you two left, the cop following you along till you were closer to home. 

Once you two reached the apartment building and made it inside without anymore incidences, you shrug out of your coat while he wanders back over to his laptop and opens it up like hes about to settle into typing again. “Handsome you sure you wanna do that?” You ask as you head down the hallway towards the bedroom. 

“But I thought of a perfect ending” He states, clearly distracted to your actions outside of the bedroom door. But as soon as your bra slingshots right into his chest and falls in his lap, his eyes widen as he looks up at you, your back to him, shimmying down your leggings for a second time, he snapped it shut once again. “Sorry Bryan, day late again.” He he raced down the hallway, catching you and dropping you down on the bed. 

He really was living his own romantic comedy. 

@what-is-your-plan-today​ @p8tn0lish​ @jeremyrennerfanxxxx123​ @jtargaryen18​

[rogertaylcr]

its alright if its long! i asked bc i was curious, id love a long answer

OKAY HERE IS THE SUPER LONG ANSWER, it’s self indulgent and, dare I say, Boring as shit -- but it’s the full answer to how/when/why I started drumming -- it is also 1.5k words long so it’s under a read more

so I started like drumming in a serious way i would say like a year and a halfish ago which isn’t a super long time I know but theres a tediously long story behind it which you asked for so don’t blame me for how long this is cause dude i know it’s long

The why of it is actually pretty short though. So my house is a music house, my mom plays a bunch of instruments and sings and my dad listens to a bunch of music so theres a lot of musical passion (even when theres no talent necessarily). As a kid, like 3-4 like EARLY memory, I remember listening to bohemian rhapsody and hearing the drums specifically, which idk if this is universal but for a lot of songs for awhile i just didn’t hear the drums as like part of the song really, and with bohemian rhapsody they were just so clear, like i could hear the heartbeat of the song. (this was the first song I felt that with but definitely not the only one, baba oreilly was another one that i made me realise the life of the song comes from the drums) When I was .... like 6-7, a beatles doc came on MTV and I saw Ringo drumming during the early beatles years and he was standing and stomping the hi hat and bass and there was just so much movement and power behind it and so much more fun in my opinion than the other instruments and i was like “i wanna be the one giving songs their heartbeats”. The more i got into a bunch of other, new and old, bands the more i was like This Has To Be Me. I had always been a fidegty person who was drumming to shit anyway but like the idea that that could translate into like something palatable and musical and entertaining and LOUD was News™ to me and I wanted to do that, but at the time I only knew a bit of piano and like a single chord on guitar and, like a lot of people’s parents, my parents saw creative fields as really unstable/unrealistic so I was like “well obvious it would be nice to be a loud drummer but I’m going to be a business person” (this is how cynical i was as a child).

the WHEN of it is a longer story, like it isn’t actually cause the actual answer is that i’ve been seriously drumming for about 1.5 years but theres like more to it imo

When i was in the third grade, instruments were compulsory at school so we all had to choose and buy one to learn on as well as basic piano lessons. I wanted to play the drums as “my instrument” at that time BUT my school didn’t have the budget or the space really to accommodate that (i would've had to buy my own kit and haul it to and from the school which didn’t make sense for me to do for someone who hadn’t ever touched drums) AND they didn’t have a teacher that could really teach drums, our percussion section was just a xylophone and some cymbals it was a school of like 2000 kids so :/

So I learned clarinet and then when i was 10, in the fifth grade, my older sister’s friend stopped playing saxophone and got permission to bring her drums in. We only had an orchestra so our teacher had to write her music for/with her which was cool but anyway. She left her drums at school and i knew her and so while i was supposed to be in the practice room playing clarinet i was trying semi-fruitlessly to drum. I knew i wanted to drum by any means necessary but like I was 10 and since i had no guidance (and no proper sticks i was using xylophone mallets) I didn’t think I was “good” at it and when we moved away I took that as a sign that it wasn’t meant to be.

When we got to america I joined school bands (as in orchestra/concert band) as a clarinet player once again, I still wanted to be drumming and i was in a public school by then so i had access to like “school drums” but I was so far behind the not-self-taught drummers in the actual band that I just like decided I had to focus on what I was already good at which was my art and dove into the upper level art program which like GOOD cause that made life worth living but it also meant the only time I could drum was when I was at this one friends house or had access to the band hall and like I just couldn’t keep the improvements i’d made, like i’d perfect a song and then have zero access for a couple weeks (except to like stand alone snares but :/ ) and i’d have to start over essentially and it was SUPER discouraging and it made me feel like I wasn’t making any progress

In the meantime I was trying to get my musical fix by learning guitar/piano and piano came back to me pretty quickly (its gone again now) but guitar like.....you can’t hit it lmao, piano i could slam the keys how i wanted to and get that really great loud resonating sound and i could stand to play and get more movement out of it but guitar is tedious in a way that other instruments aren’t imo, like the sound is loud but the movement is very precise and i never had the patience for that

when I got to college I really had to focus on my art especially the first two years, I literally lived in the studio (im not exaggerating, the students in my major and I had a janitorial bathroom set aside for showering) so pretty much all of my hobbies got tossed aside those two years it was grueling, fun but also hell

Junior year came and i had like 30% of my time back and i was like considering switching majors. I knew i didn’t want to do animation but also you can’t just switch into music at a university, you have to be pretty accomplished already and percussion at my school is HUGE like i would’ve had to be roger himself to have a chance of switching in. On top of that the degree isn’t super useful so I now have my Bachelors of Science. But by junior year i KNEW i didn’t wanna do that, I knew i wanted/i want to drum so I.... licherally................went to the library and printed like 50 pieces of paper each with three flyers on them and cut them up and put them up ALL over campus essentially begging for access to a drum kit. I could only afford like a couple hours on this one guys kit every few weeks for one semester (and then the following semester i did a semester away, they had drums at the school there but i only got access like a total of 5 times) so when i came back to america I did the exact same thing, I put up flyers in the music building and eventually i found a girl who let me use her drums for free all year, she gave me access like last august? I think? and just now has packed them away in the last month or so, and i would literally go into this tiny stuffy unairconditioned room (that had an automatic light timer so i’d be in the dark halfway through a song ahsdkhajkda and a couple times the heat got to me and i had to go outside and sit in my car w/ the AC before coming back in ahdjkahdjkasdjka) and drum for about 6-8 hours MWF and maybe like 3-4 hours T/TR which i know isn’t as much as some people but like I had school work still so I couldn’t do too much more. (it worked out great cuase i only took 7 hours my last two semesters so it was like something i could do while all my friends were in class and they weren’t open on weekends so my social life didn’t get fucked up) and like i know i haven’t been drumming drumming that long comparatively to like normal people who start at age -2 and are born with a snare in their laps but you spend that much time each week doing something and you’ll get good you just like… have to and I like where I’m at right now, I think I’ll always have super severe imposter syndrome abt my skill level b/c of how long it took me to get here and being an overcritical perfectionist doesnt help but yeah

i really dont think its a coincidence that my coming out (to myself) coincided with when I said “fuck it im gonna play drums come hell or high water” but SUPER LONG AND OVERLY DETAILED story short, I heard roger drum and said “if i dont do that ill die” and then when i finally had the resources i drummed myself into multiple heat strokes and i recently saw roger live so the universe rewarded me for all that shit

[perfectionistincrisis]

Day 135

I have never felt so alone since the new academic year started. It is like I am missing the presence of a person - which I am, but this feels like I am even missing the physical presence. Like someone was physically present with me all the time, with me all the time but. But now they just left.  This is not new though. I have been feeling this way since a week before uni re opened. I knew this is coming. And this seems so unacceptable to me. Being so near but yet being so far. Like it’s not like anyone actually left - no one did. Everyone is where they’re supposed to be. Where they always were. But its just the situation that is different. And, I just can’t get myself to totally stay calm with the situation. It is very hard for me to sit back and stay patient. But there is nothing to do, so i’ve shut down my feelings. Now I can’t exactly define what ‘shutting down my feelings’ mean but I can try describing it - it is more like my heart has become empty but there are sparks of anger (but I don’t know who to put that on), and sadness, but also hope and unending love is present. But my feelings are so unstable; it is like they are floating in the middle of nowhere. Any one them striking hard every now and then - but generally it just feel numb. idk.

Life right now is so stressful. It has never been this stressful before. The transition is like starting Alevels after giving igcse lol! I feel like I am a little baby donkey that has been thrown into a wild jungle from some one’s farm ‘-’ I mean it is actually sucking all the shit out of me mentally and physically as well. We haven’t really started ‘knowledge’ part yet but all the processing & registration and paper work and getting hospital IDs and getting access in to the computer system of the hospital is killing me.  I didnt use to stress at all I guess back when I was in school, but right from Day 1 of uni, I have totally lost it and I dont really stress, I over stress & to add to that - I can not handle it a.t. a.l.l. And there’s more. I have always sucked with remembering locations, I mean I dont even know the adress of my house, and i have lived here for like 14 years & I have been in this country for like my entire life and there is not a single place I actually know the location of & & the hospital is h..u..g..e.. and even if someone knows their way around, it still takes a lot of time to move. And I on the other hand have no idea where anything is, and even if I find some place out, I have a really really hard time actually remembering it and to add to that theres that fear in my head of getting lost or being late when I have to be somewhere on time and then my feet starts aching and wow!!! it’s a disaster. I have already said enough but oh man I can go on. The people responsible for our block are so careless like they assume that we have our shit together and we hardly get any instructions. It IS actually like being thrown out there into the wild. Like you need to fight to survive there. Half of the day is spent just calling one doctor to another to ask them what the hell youre supposed to do! Well I am  hoping thing will get a bit more stable from next week inshaAllah when I will hopefully remember my way around a bit better that right now and also after getting the hospital ID. But one constant problem will always remain yay! which is the amazing fact that not a single patient actually knows english. Its all arabic. And basically year 4 in one sentence is - ALL History Taking! so yeah, I literally have n.o. f.u.c.k.i.n.g. idea what the patient says. So its like I need a translator - i,e, any Arab friend of mine. But then NOT having any idea of ‘how exactly’ your question has been presented in Arabic to the patient & also ‘what exactly’ the patient has expressed in reply to the question - but instead that information being given to you by a 3rd person is totally not satisfying at all. Especially for people like me, who are just way too much of a perfectionist.  But then although I complained so much - I am still not in denial or something! I mean I am having trouble and am under a l.o.t. of stress right now, but that doesnt make me wish things were simpler or anything. I mean I am complaining right now ik, but that is because i can. I am just accepting whatever life’s throwing and although I am NOT nailing it at all right now, I am still looking forward to it. Plus, anyways, I dont really like having a lot of thoughts about problems I face when there is very little or nothing I can do about them. I mean me wanting things to be easier or wishing for different stuff aint gona help so why even put yourself in a place like that?  Well anyways, so there are times I laugh with people & there are times when I start crying at night, out of the blue, for no specific reason at all. That cycle is there. But what remains a constant all the time is how life seems so unfair knowing that he is right there but he is not. Knowing he is so close, but yet so far.. It is just so hard for me to breathe peacefully knowing this. And thus ~ my heart remains hollow with anger & sadness, with hope & love.. It’s like a vacuum, thirsty to suck in some love.. lots and lots of love simply expressed by someone’s company.. holding hands.. a hug.. that warmth in your heart, that voice in your ears telling you that you’re not alone.. 

But. we should always be grateful with life. There is so much to be grateful about Alhamdulillah. So that’s why we should always try to stay hopeful, to focus on the positive things, to be patient and to always believe in Him and trust Him. 

InshaAllah everything will get better with time for all of us. 

[smallblanketfort]

How did you get diagnosed with bpd? Did you suspect it before? How did you deal with it? Did you feel like anything changed after a diagnosis? Do you feel like people treat you differently when they know you have it? How do you deal with all the negativity around the diagnosis? ps: sorry for so many questions

it’s okay. i feel like a smart person would say, come off anon and let’s chat, but u know what, i’ll totally embarrass myself for the common good. oh man.

short answers. click keep reading for the in depth, tmi answers.

How did you get diagnosed with bpd? Did you suspect it before? short answer: self dx followed by psych. yes. kind of.

How did you deal with it?short answer: i feel like i’m still “dealing” with the diagnosis, and my stance on it changes constantly lol, but probably better in the beginning. it didn’t really change a ton for me, bc i felt like it was just a word for what i had already been experiencing. i decided not to tell anyone, so i didn’t feel like things had changed. at the same time i refused to believe it. i have tables and tables of notes in my journals, trying to convince myself in and out of it. i did know that to be healthy, i needed to acknowledge it. i tried.

Did you feel like anything changed after a diagnosis?short answer: it brought some clarity, some understanding and validation, that i think really helped me. sometimes it brought hopelessness, sometimes motivation. i mean, i was still the same person, just with a label. it started me on a road i referred to as resurfacing.

Do you feel like people treat you differently when they know you have it?short answer: depends on the person and how much they care about you as a person.

How do you deal with all the negativity around the diagnosis?short answer: i dont lol

babe i hope this helps a bit and idk. im being honest here, so idk how much comfort is here, but if you find any, good. be safe. lmk if you have other questions! happy to answer.

How did you get diagnosed with bpd? Did you suspect it before? short answer: self dx followed by psych. yes.long answer: i had a slight mental breakdown in uhhhh fall 2015-january 2016, and i work at the library which slows down in the winter. i was going a little nuts with nothing to do one day in late december/early january, so i planted myself in the mental health section and read all the requirements in dsm-iv book for mental disorders. i think i was half curious and half knew something was wrong. i had dealt with depression and anxiety in the past, but i felt mentally dizzy all the time, if that makes sense. just generally unstable and lost and worried. Not Okay. self harming and finding comfort in it. i was totally bleary going through my daily life and i felt extremely unstable in my relationships. i also was trying to work through this whole hallucination/voice in my head thing that sparked it in september(?). so i remember taking these books to the break room and taking these convoluted notes on tiny scraps of paper, trying to make sense of what was happening. i found the notes a couple weeks ago, and it was really weird, but i was so careful about it. i really didn’t want to feel like i had anything, but i was getting desperate. i would copy out the requirements and tally up what i had. i remember contemplating a couple things i knew i could diagnoses with by a doctor who didn’t care, like avoidant pd, but i realized it was definitely not the one, at all. when i read bpd, it took my breath away. i was shocked, bc it was like reading a book about myself. i remember getting goosebumps, and shaking. i spent months researching and researching it, trying to convince myself i didn’t fit the criteria. at the time i was in several psych classes, and one of my professors had us write a 15+ page paper about our own life and psych development. it was hella weird, but i ended up pouring myself into it and my psych prof, who runs his own practice was like “Lol yeah omg” and we chatted a bit and sure enough, i am most likely a bpd bug. i’m not “formally” diagnosed but i have talked to several psychologists at my universities about it and they’re all like “lmao yeeeah” so

How did you deal with it?short answer: i feel like i’m still “dealing” with the diagnosis, and my stance on it changes constantly lol, but probably better in the beginning. it didn’t really change a ton for me, bc i felt like it was just a word for what i had already been experiencing. i decided not to tell anyone, so i didn’t feel like things had changed. at the same time i refused to believe it. i have tables and tables of notes in my journals, trying to convince myself in and out of it. i did know that to be healthy, i needed to acknowledge it. i tried.long answer: idk!? like on one hand i was relieved like “okay so this is a thing with a name, now i can start attacking it. i was really good at mood tracking for about 6 months. no more lol. anyway, i still go through acceptance/denial cycles constantly. just today, i decided to watch youtube videos about it to prove to myself that i didn’t have bpd. my reaction? o shit i guess i have bpd. every couple weeks ill come across an article or video or something about it and they’ll talk about other quirks of bpd and it’s so accurate it’s scary. but kinda cool (like perceptions of time and such that dont really hurt anything, but i thought everyone had. whoops. just my bpd showing again lol) it’s like when i climbed over a wooden fence in colorado and realized i had a sliver in my leg and then when i got it out, i realized i had another sliver in my leg and then when i got it out i realized i had another sliver in m-and so on. it never stops really. maybe it’d help if i told more ppl. idk. 

Did you feel like anything changed after a diagnosis?short answer: it brought some clarity, some understanding and validation, that i think really helped me. sometimes it brought hopelessness, sometimes motivation. i mean, i was still the same person, just with a label. it started me on a road i referred to as resurfacing.long answer: i mean, i was still the same person, just with a label. it definitely brought gravity to it. sometimes it made me hopeless (can you even recover from a personality disorder?), but sometimes it brought me hope bc i wasn’t alone and there are coping methods made esp for me. it helped me understand myself and why i did what i did. it helped me be more proactive, and im getting better at it. it helped me accept some of my quirks, and helped me communicate. it’s a constant learning process like battle.

Do you feel like people treat you differently when they know you have it?short answer: depends on the person and how much they care about you as a person.long answer: lmao so like i haven’t told my parents yet, didnt have to since i was over 18. lately my mom is becoming more aware tho i think, and she’s being really supportive. my friends (irl and online, they all know) are really supportive and patient and encouraging and kind. they’re so great. the two ppl i dated since were lovely. about a month after diagnosis, however, i told my boyfriend of the time whose only response was “why didn’t you tell me this before i got emotionally attached to you?” :-) THAT fucked me up, but i still think it’s fair. lately im super worried about it though. 

How do you deal with all the negativity around the diagnosis?short answer: i dont lollong answer: so i had never heard of it before 2016 sooo i actually don’t really know about the stigmas even now? i try really hard not to hear about any of it, bc if i do, im going to shrivel and not have the confidence to be open about it, which really helps me and my relationships. being open about it is what destroys the stigma. at the same time, im totally terrified of telling my family for some reason. my mom used to say anxiety was a hat i put on, bc she was a nurse in the mental ward, so her view of mental illness is basically of non to low functioning people. she;s a lot more supportive and validating of it now but idk i cant.OKAY ALSO negativity with recovery high key sucks. for a solid year i was convinced that there’s no recovery and i’ll probably kill myself before im 27, im so screwed blah blah blah, but then i FINALLY starting finding resources that consistently said 50% of adults find themselves recovered after ten years. im also really working hard on self care and coping rn. making good choices for myself to hopefully stay as healthy and happy as possible.

lmk if you have other questions!

xo

[bootisimo]

ok so i dont care if im spamming my personal shit bc this is fucking tumblr & i need to just talk abt things

so im going to talk abt my best friend audrey. i havent had a best friend since around 7th grade (I’m a graduating senior this year) & my overall friend group has been really unstable & changes a lot, so I didn’t realize it at the time, but I haven’t made any deep connections in high school and it’s kinda sucked. Pair that up with me being super insecure because everybody talked about me behind my back in middle school and literally nobody outside of my group of 5 friends could stand to be near me (which I only learned around 2 months ago & it’s fucked me up so much, especiallyl because i was so oblivious & for all i know the same thing could still be happening), so I’ve felt very isolated and alone without realizing it for basically all of my scary developmental years. & then this new girl comes to school, and I meet her a the beginning of senior year! & she’s so wonderful and we click so well and after knowing each other for barely any time i felt so close to her and I was essentially drunk off of finally being close to someone again and she was all i ever thought abt bc i loved spending time with her so much! ((that sounds weird and obsessive but i promise im exaggerating i just kinda accidentally started idolizing her and absorbing her mannerisms bc thats what i always do)) & following my stupid fucked up pattern for people im clsoe to, i was all over her for a few months then i started doing that isolating thing and i convinced myself that her & the rest of my friends barely tolerate me (it didn’t help that this is senior year & shit actually did happen w two of my other close friends so my friend group is shrinking rapidlyl and i dont want to put effort into roping it back together), so I became really unhappy without realizing it bc i repress everything and i literally have so much trouble processing and actually feeling what’s going on around me . thats where my problems with derealization come from, because it crosses the line into literally not being able to say if im awake or in a dream, or if i exist or not, so how the fuck would i be able to know if i was happy or unhappy? im realizing tonight that ive been actually, truly depressed for an indeterminant amount of time, and that really scares me with the whole bipolar issue bc ive figured out that i cant live life without control. i need independence and control over my entire sense of self or i can’t cope, and its super unhealthy but its the only way i know how. and if im bipolar like im starting to believe i might be and like my therapist thinks is a definite possibility, then kind of by definition that means that i don’t have control, over my actions or my moods or my life, especially if it’s bad enought that i need medication. and judging by just how bad things have been recently, right when i start being able to feel my emotions without automatically shutting them down (so I’m feeling them to the full extent that i shielded myself from, in other words), i don’t think i can succeed, or even survive, on my own if this is what my daily life becomes. I’m losing my control right before I’m really going to need it, right before i turn 18 and go to college and actually need to take care of myself, and I’m so anxious about it that I constantly feel like I’m going to vomit, and like there’s a dumbbell sitting both on my chest and at the bottom of my stomach. when I repressed everything, i was always relaxed. i literally could not make myself stress or feel bad about anything, which is super unhealthy, but now it’s like i can’t make myself not be stressed, and i can’t reverse it!! I’ll try to feel like I used to because not feeling is so so so much easier than feeling, but it’s like I’ve forgotten how!! 

anyway part of the reason my relationship with audrey is so good and so bad is bc it’s super hard for me to actually talk to her, because I always struggle with guilt because of how easy my life is compared to my friends. feeling like i have things better than anyone makes me feel so guilty that i want to die, which is probably a part of the depressive episodes, so I’ll go through periods where I’ll talked to audrey but i literally wont’ say anything to her bc i feel so guilty about how much she has to deal with, and then it’s like we aren’t even friends anymore and its 100% my fault because I consciously pull away and just think about dying for a week or two and convince myself that i dont need or deserve any friends or anyone to talk about the issues im having with. when i actually do share things with audrey, i lover her even more, because she never makes me feel guilty for having things she doesnt, and she always reminds me to that im trying to be conscious of the differences in our lives, and she always makes me feel so good about myself because that’s the kind of person she is. she’s been through so much more than most people, and I don’t even know a lot of the details about her life. its amazing though not just because she went through it--it always pisses me off as a trans person when people tell me i’m “brave” just for living and transitioning, and i know she would feel the same if i thought she was amazing just bc she’s survived so much. but she’s amazing for how she deals with it, mostly. you can tell she has a lot of problems coping but she still always makes an effort to make people feel included, and to better herself, and to be fucking kind. I’m always so amazed by how kind she is and how little she deserves all the shit that life throws at her, and I dont say that to her bc it’s always uncomfortable when people tell you that, but I’m really starstruck by her. i very often just start thinking about what a genuinely caring, selfless person she is--not like me, who does everything because of the reaction that I anticipate from other people. when she’s kind, you can just tell that it’s because she wants to be kind and doesnt care about the consequences. she is a good person far deeper down than I am and its amazing to see that at work. I’ve actually been standing up for my beliefs and saying something when I think someone’s in the wrong just because I’ve been around her and I’ve seen her do that 

but the worst thing is that we met so close to the end of graduation. we just found out we’re all staying in the area next year but with my habit of suddenly dropping people for no reason, I can’t guarantee we’ll stay close, and that makes me so so sad because I genuinely think the more time I spend with audrey, the better a person I become. it’s hard to balance because I also make all my bad decisions with audrey because we fuel each other because w’ere so similar, so that makes it hard to. (haha we’re both geminis after all, and i dont believe in astrology but the idea that two geminis always have short, intense bursts of relationships, so they’re hard to make last, seems super accurate for us, and I’m afraid that tha’ts whats going to happen) 

anyway I’m just typing a lot because dear audrey gave me an adderall to take so i could last the night & not die, and it’s more than I normally take, so my focus on this post is so intense, and adderall makes you rambly anyway. it’s good to take a lot every once and a while though because just thinking things through in this focused, controlled but optimistic and basically unbiased outlook that adderall gives you can be super helpful--typing this out has actually been pretty similar to my therapy sessions, except nobody has to ask me questions and prod at what I say to interpret my thoughts. damn i hope i can get a prescription because i feel like this is exactly how people who can actually ge their work done and not drift off constantly feel like, and I feel like now that I know how adderall feels and how homework is actually feasible when I take even a small dose, like half of a 30mg pill, I can’t expect myself to keep fumbling through my academic life once it costs 20k per year, and when I’m not on adderall, I’m always, always fumbling and confused, no matter what I’m doing. I feel like I’m just realizing how much I need it, and the people around me aren’t as surprised because they’ve always seen it, because it’s literally always been there, but they just assumed I was disorganized and spacey, and when I say “I think I have ADHD,” theyre’re jsut like “oh, I never thought of that but now that you’ve said it I absolutely believe that, I can’t believe I didn’t see it before.” It’s inhibited me enough in my life, especially in school, that in my freshman year all of my teachers called my parents in and told them to test me & my sister for ADHD, and the only reason it never happened is because there was a miscommunication and my mom thought the school had screend us for free, when me & emma have never ever seen a doctor about it 

things are jsut bad rn bc it’s like i stand on both edges of a really small planet. on one side is the adhd stuff, and the realization that if I get treatment, life could be a lot more possible for me than I ever knew it was possible to me. on the other side is the emotions that I’m not able to repress anymore (maybe it’s the bipolar vs the adhd, maybe not--again, not diagnosed, and definitely not self diagnosing). these emotins that I’m actually starting to be able to process are a lot worse than I ever realized they were, and it’s promising the opposite of the adhd side--that things could get much worse than I ever knew they could get, and that they’re already headed that way. 

sorry for making you all scroll past this thing, but it’s been really helpfulto be able to sort my thoughts out like this. I definitely feel like i just prepared myself to make progress in my therapy session on friday, at the very least. maybe things can actually be ok after all

[rushsblog]

Shes drunk....again.

You're asking me about my patients and saying I worked with her abd my provider is Becca abd screaming and mad

The following morning I addressed how she made me feel how she made me feel scared abd afraid of the conversation or what could happen next . She got angry and disassociative she turned over and got so mad she became short and hostile with me. After arguing back and fourth I get up and let the dogs out and she screams. "I can do the 🐕" but doesn't get it up . I do the dogs and feed them even when at this time our very relationship hangs in the balance . So I do the dogs I come back in the room and she's up and I say are you ready to get in the shower for work? She  starts going off dismissing my feelings because she didn't hit me. Not realizing that making me feel that way or that that could happen makes me feel the excact same way. She says "why do you even love me if I do all these things to you" I say no im not doing this you're manipulating the conversation to fit your narrative . You don't wanan address all the issues I've brought up and how you were wrong for coming at me aggressively and making me feel scared while drunk. That is your fault. So we're bickering back and fourth shes screaming saying shes gotta get to work and im saying wtf are you retarded if you have to go to work stop arguing with me abd your emotions and get in the shower l. She flips out abd says i called her retarded. So i leave the room abd xover mt ears because shes picking up on anything i say or do and manipulating it to make her narrative.  I say ok im leaving the room. She gets up finally abd starts chasing me room to room saying "WHY CANT YOU SAY WHY YOU DONT LOVE ME" YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT YOU TO STOP GROWING WEED HERE!!! see her things to control me is the house and thats it. I try to get away from her by covering my ears and leaving the room she keeps chasing me screaming me . Finally I call her insane . For chasing me around knowing she has work mental illness and hasn't taken her medicine. She then harps on the insane thing. When I really was saying her mental illness was taking over I don't think normal she would attack me abd chase me room to room but she did. So basically I call her insane. She grabs a knife (dejavu) goes in the bathroom abd locks the door. Basically trying to emotionally abd mentally abuse me showing me that if I ever have something bad to say about how she treats me and she doesn't have an answer (aka something that I did that she can throw in my facd) she will try to cut and harm herself. In my situation thats scary. She's told me her ex has recorded her to make fun of her . I think it was to protect himself. She is out of control. I told her how she made me feel and she spinned out of control. She ruined her own morning by not being receptive and listening with her heart .

I lost my id shes upset and and is being nasty and angry she said to me im petty . Then called her a bitch . Then she called me a dick then I called her a cunt. She thinks that calling someone a dick is not the same as calling someone a cunt. It is. She tells me to leave the room i say I'm not leaving the room so unless she's calling the cops im not leaving and she threatened to call the cops. I am done with this saggy titted bitch she's an absolute cunt to me as I am having a bad day . I've lost my id my package never came and my bottles of nutrients that I spent money on broke  she doesn't know how to help her helping her trying to fight with me or saying shit that doesn't help me when In actuallyilty I only lost my id buying her fat disgusting ass alcohol .now she's basically threatened me abd forced me to retrack my feelings otherwise she threatens to break up with me or kick me out and she says why are youstill here if you feel all of that. Meaning she's ready to throw the towel in and so am I . She lives like a fucking slob she leaves a mess everywhere gets drunk gets nasty gets angry gets vindictive gets hurtful starts threatening and I can only sit here abd take it . She told me to leave the room as soon as I do she starts messaging me. Trying to start another fight. I have to not give that to her I need to keep my calm and shut up bide my time stack your money and go. Things don't have to be bad .it just takes one nasty ass drunk white bitch to ruin your fucking life. She knows if she called the cops on me because I'm black they would hurt me and do things to me. She knew all of my past with my ex and all the bad things that happened to me all the hurt abd ptsd and still said those words to me. If we make it past this mark im going to win I promise everyday going forward is strictly about that .

Id need pictures

She and I were both drunk she asked me to go to  the bathroom with her  I did as I walked in I saw her knock down the vinegar trap for fruit flies. She started getting mad and drunk and blaming me even tho I was 5 feet away at the doorl when I saw it when u was in the shower she said " I just wanna break up with you already " after I get out of the shower the common sense of her saying that to me is ridiculous. She knocked it down as it was behind the toilet me walking in after her like she asked me is not my fault

She's being nasty to me and fighting with me and saying I can't write it down  trying to manipulate me from being myself but I'm writing it down because she said my opinions don't matter when they have to do with her life but when I said that I don't wanna fight wit her over small things she blew up at me and said im annoying then said that she's gonna go back in her notes and read all the things she wrote to try to hurt me. I don't care. She doesn't like being held to the same standards she holds me to. Because she has all the powering her relationship she just yells at me abd becomes disrespecting abd hurtful .u mean we still aren't together from when she broke up with me last Wednesday. She leaves to go to liquor store and said that why am I looking at her. .everytime she drinks her true feelings come out shes nastier than I could of ever expected judt hurtful small minded abd wanting to attack abd hurt abd destroy everything m when I say small minded I mean one track minded with the sense of just srostrying everything. She doesn't care what happens to me she just uses me while I'm here for sex or comfort and when she's mad she disrespects me and tries to hurt me ahd makes me feel like anything could happen to me. Since I've explained my position she had gotten worse. More drinking. More attacks. More fear. Who knows maybe she'll get drunk and manipulate a fight so she can call the cops or she can attack me or she can do whatever she wants . She's a master manipulator who is a terrible drunk with no control constantly emotional and hurtful . She left in the middle of arguing go get a bottle so now im scared. Shes too wild

She brought up the fact I said "well if we're done I basically hope you die so 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️" not mentioning that I said that when we first met that" when someone breaks up with me or we break up im done im not in contact with any of my exes because once we're done it's like you're dead to me . She comes home after getting a bottle and doesn't day a word just bsngs on the door until I answer even tho she has a key and she is drunk still from earlier drove around and has yet to say a word to me but shes now on her phone going through charges to try to fight with me about when I used her card little does she know she I already gave her cash so she can't be rude or nasty to me m but we'll see whats the first thing she says since her 500th drunken attack episode

Had a bad dream about us fighting and her coming home with another guy and fuxking him and making eye contact and her saying were not together anyways remember I broke up with you a few weeks ago plus where you gonna go. Woke up in a sweat upset .putting things into perspective.

She woke up got drunk tried to think of ideas to call out of work I really didn't say much then she said tell her no. So I do. And I keep telling her no. And she stands up super aggressive and goes "you wouldn't understand" and storms out of the room insinuating I don't get it because I don't have a job

She's rude nasty and disrespectful after all of that she's at the door and she says I'm done you wanted to know if I would resent you... well I do. I say "dude you're being a bitch like wtf just go to work" she gets Angier and says you're telling me to leave my house that I pay for??? Getting more abd more Angier judt s are tbh. Shes out of control she drinks in the morning and drinks at night so much so her hands shake. Shes out of control her emotional swings are out of control .shes too emotionally unstable to have a job.

She wants to have sex with me and I absolutely do not want to have sex with someone who's mean as fuck to me all the time edoei slly when she's drinking shed out of control she's extra aggressive and makes me feel uncomfortable I repeat. I never want to have sex with anyone who can't be nice to me for more than a few hours especially if she says. Shut up and",just break up already " .she told me to stay home she needs space . My thoughts is she never stops i nthe middle of being nasty and says sorry I was out of line she doesn't have that in her. She's nasty as fuck. When I first met her I told her I don't ever ever wanan have sex with someone who's mean as fuck to me and treats me like shit .

I think k with the growing sexyal need for whoel dildos inside of her is gonns grow a want for something I can't give I can't give you 10 inches of dicj whenever you say or else. I told you how I work how if you're mean to me it makes me not ever wanan have sex. I need consistency. Shes not doing it. Her emotions change on a dime shes unstable. So because I don't wanan have sex we should break up? bitch you're a fucking bitch sttaight up a terrible person in the moment so stop being a bitch abd realize we need to get on the same page and have sex when we're good not when youre nasty to me. I don't wanna have sex with a mean nasty horrible person.

I tell her im in a bad mood and I dont wanna go to grocery store ill just drink apple juice. She retorts back and says I don't care what you drink . Then we start bickering back and fourth it gets to a point where she says just shut the fuck up I do not care about you shut the fuck up. While earlier in the day she had said "just break up with me already" well i say ok ill shut the fuck up . Then she keeps going she calls me an asshole . Says he didn't do anything wrong.(I never said she did) I just finished calling the eye lash place advocating for her so she could get her money back. But ok. Shes sitting right next to me calling me an asshole and a piece of shit and I finally get fed up . And say fuck you kill yourself I know I shouldn't of said that but I said it when I was upset and she genuinely makes a big deal when I call her a bitxh even if she's absolutely being one .so in the moment of having limited vocabulary and a ton of emotions I just said fuck you kill yourself. Then she went barreling in the other room trying to kill herself. My problem is asshole is a trigger for me . Psychotic self harming girls are a trigger for me. If this relationships ends one thing ive learned is they always show they're true colors. Once we get bickering their is no calming her down. We speak to each other not on even ground but. She has ultimate powerm so when she's drunk which is always she gets nasty and short. Within the week of her not drinking we had zero fights abd if there was something close to a fight it was easily resolved now that she's drinking again we've been fighting more and having more issues. I tried to stop her from killing herself by not giving her a knife or scissors but she comes barreling around saying"I KNOW YOU USED MY SCIZZORS FOR YOU FUCKING WEED" and keeps berating me until. I find them for her. I try to open the door its locked i tell her I don't waban be breaking doors down to stop you from killing yourself and I don't wanan be saying sorry when you were being terrible and don't hold yourself responsible. How is any single human being supposed to react when every fight we get into that is mostly alcohol filled on your side we sweep under the rug. How about the time you broke up with me and then next day said we don't talk about it we just sweep it under the rug. So why can't this be that? Where does the line end? I don't understand your trigger words have been crazy which I don't use or insane which I don't use. You know mine is asshole but still choose to say it and not only that when confronted on your fault you rely on your emotions and feelings to get you out of your responsibility the fact is you also say and do things absolutely fucked up . But you don't deal with the same consequences because I don't kill myself this is your house your white im black im a man your a woman . This is your Town. Our playing fields are not even so when you say my triggers or disrespect me  I can do nothing but I say triggering things to you and everything comes crashing down. When you drink you're a terrible person you a nasty manipitive and make me feel unsafe.

She says earlier today its ok if I don't want to have sex then treats me like shit when i don't wanna have sex fuck no i would never evr have srx with you again as you continue to be rude and nasty to me. Calls me a douche  bag then tells me to go in the room and leave her room and now she's yelling at me and telling me im far behind telling me to go in the other room theb telling me I don't leave the house so why can't I go in the other room then is screaming at me telling me to go in the other room telling me to go in the other room and calling me stupid and annoying saying its not fair I never leave the house why can't I go in the other roon.( the room with no ac and is now taking a bunch of pills. I refused to talk to her while she's drunk nasty and pathetic I will never have sex with a person who's disgusting barely showers and fights with me over any and everything shes literally insane and has mental illness and then ripped the blanket off of me and saidxwhere the fucj are my keys  and is screaming at me .now she's threatening to kill herself tooka knife to the car came back more threatening of my lease and attacks then went back to her room

On our anniversary she got mad at me because I said I didn't smoke this morning and she was claiming I did. I said its our anniversary whatever you say I did I did I don't wanna fight which made her Angier. I asked do you need me to leave the room she said yes absolutely. I left the room afterc20 minutes she screams you can come in now I come in and I tell herm hey. Its not cool how you just het so angry and nasty there's no stopping you and the only way to stop you is to leave the room. She says I never asked you to you leave. I said you never asked me to leave because I've done this dance with you before and it won't stop. She says well why are you saying I asked you to leave. I said. Because yo unknown thats the only way to calm you down. Then after bickering back and fourth she cries cuts herself goes in ghe other room while I'm just chilling here. Shes been cutting herself everyday for like a week. She is so unstable.

She bow is looking to renew her drivers license. Can't find her birth certificate..says to me. you fucking lost it didn't you! . I said no.. iwouldnt touch itmm she says you're always here you just of touched it . I said ik not doing this with you your manic grabbed my joint and went in the other room. She called me a mean name and said yeah ok you fucking pothead  .....

[inhale-in-hell-theres-heave-blog]

romanticisation and reality

i’ve always been one to hold onto the past. it’s a very unwelcome part of me which decides that i should definitely still be awake at 2am replaying moments from days or weeks or years ago in my head and wishing i could do them again differently instead of doing what anyone else would do by laughing about it and moving on 

like when i suddenly remember a much better meme i could have used to end a twitter argument which would have likely made me look a lot funnier and like i didn’t care and less like i was actually crying into some chicken selects because i had been simultaneously dumped and then humiliated lol xD 

or when i think about when i used to get a bit wild on yunghan420 (follow if u want to be pissed off by the shitposts about once a week) and post things i’d immediately regret and then i’d end up with about 7 less friends than before and a lot of lost respect from people WHICH IS FAIR ENOUGH bc tbf was such a cunt on there i shouldn’t even be allowed it 

or when i could have just handled things a lot better. i never know how i feel about astrology but i do basically fit the characteristics of ur classic aries, especially in doing things before thinking and putting emotions b4 rationality etc,. which is not really ideal ahahhahahahahahah it’s so bad i basically regret about 91% of social decisions and just torture myself w/ thinking about them over and over

but there’s another side to this. i realised that past memories go either way with me- either i’ll repress them and then use them as reasoning as to why i am not a functioning human & should probs be euthanised or i’ll overthink them to a point where the actual events become very overexaggerated caricatures of how they actually happened lol

e.g from september to christmas felt like a peak for me - i had a pretty stable friendship group, a boyfriend, i felt so confident etc etc

or did i???

have I just over thought it? was i really happy? am i just remembering the positives about that group and deliberately blocking out the parts where i felt left out in order to regret distancing myself (because i am alexander hamilton and i will never be satisfied clearly)?? am i overexaggerating how happy i was in that relationship and forgetting the distrust (amongst other things lmao)?? was i really happy then or am i just choosing to portray that part of my life as the happiest to make up for how i feel now? i dONT KNOW gosh darn it 

again with the last boy i was with. as soon as we met i felt a click immediately and i knew that i could spend months with him. i enjoyed spending time with him more than anything else in the world, hence why i am still very hung up on him and listen to jeff buckley about 3 times a day because it reminds me of him but i digress. did i really feel this or has this only come about since he ended it? i know i’ve romanticised it to some degree, partly because it was the relationship i’ve dreamed of for so long. he took me out at night and we sat in the car and listened to the sound of the smiths and watched louis theroux in his cute lil room which was so ideal and he was older and could drive and it gave me the approval i wanted from not only him but also everyone else. it was perfect until one day it changed and he ended up telling me very nicely and gently that he wasn’t really looking for a relationship which was obviously a fucking blow when you’ve invested so much of ur already fragile self in him :-) 

but what i’m trying to get at here is that i’m not sure what is really true and what i’ve romanticised. yes we had a wonderful time but it wasn’t all great. i knew he had to go to uni etc. we probably weren’t a perfect match at all. i think its just the fact it never really got started which left me able to speculate because it ended at a point where anything could have happened and gave me endless scope to romanticise what might have been if it hadn’t ended. (e.g easter ball. i had such high hopes for easter ball and when i got there all i could think about was that i could have gone with him ffs). through no real fault of his own, he left me with no choice but to picture everything that we could have been while he’s likely to have happily moved on and probably gives me very little thought or maybe thinks about me only when he sees me in school or sees my name in his contacts or scrolls past louis theroux on netflix because he’s moved on and probs sees me as a charming but unstable girl who he regrets introducing to his parents or some shit whereas i blatantly haven’t (and i probably should just face the fact i was more invested than him) AS U CAN SEE i’m just out here wondering what might have happened if we were still together

and i see myself doing this with so many things which tbf makes me worry i am basically jay gatsby who, although fictional lmao, i draw many similarities with. this sounds quite far fetched but roll w it i promise i am both revising eng lit here and also making conclusions about myself lmao. gatsby dates daisy for a month and ends up hung up on her for 5 years. he reinvents himself, changes his name, buys A MANSION TO LIVE OPPOSITE HER, THROWS HUGE FUCK OFF PARTIES IN THE HOPE SHE’D GO u get the picture. and when he eventually gets her back he’s still not satisfied. he wants more and more, for her to erase the last 5 years. DO U SEE WHAT I MEAN !! if i got him back, or my old friends back, i probably still wouldn’t be happy. i wouldn’t be able to compromise in a way that i wouldn’t regret at least one decision in that process. i would still want more SO I AM BASICALLY GATSBY AND WILL PROBS GET SHOT IN MY POOL (or hamilton bc am never satisfied so will probs get shot by my political rival or something)

so i think the real moral of this absolute shambles of self realisation is that i need to stop living in the past and focus on the future. yes i have been happy in the past but just bc these things have ended doesn’t mean i need to be unhappy. they aren’t defining factors of how i feel but merely just things to contend with which i am very sure i can do if i stop clinging onto things which once made me happy 

how to do that, you ask? well i am not entirely sure but it seems fairly logical that if most of the world’s population, excluding the $10 founding father and 1920s literary figure james gatz, are able to move on and function normally then i’m sure with a bit of work i can. by acknowledging the things that happen to me as happy memories which are in my life for a reason rather than mistakes which i constantly wish i could change, hopefully i can start to move on and focus on other things !! 

easier said than done haha cannot wait to slide back into sadness after writing this 

jks i am trying to be positive i promise

hope u enjoyed this self absorbed shitpost with almost no real meaning except for a weak literary comparison and how i should probs move on from him bc its been a solid 7 weeks hahahahHAHAHAH banter

peace x