#basically living life one lie at a time. curious. don't get me started

[generalllimaginesss]

"If you weren't my sibling you'd be my best friend." "I can most definitely be both?" "Nah."

hughes sister saying that to jack and being like he can’t be my brother and best friend because that’s already luke

I was waiting for this one!! I hope you like it!!

••

Jack wasn't the only middle child in the Hughes family, but he most definitely suffered from Middle Child Syndrome the most. Quinn was busy hanging out with his friends, and his younger two siblings always seemed to leave him out, whether that be on purpose or not was up for debate. Sometimes he just felt forgotten.

The truth is that Luke was like your child growing up. When he was a baby, he was basically a living babydoll. You dressed him up, helped feed him, bathe him, the whole ordeal. When he was old enough to walk, the trouble that the two of you got into was endless. He made sure that when he started to get serious about hockey that you didn't feel left out, always prioritizing your once a week gossip session that took place in your room as you did your skincare routine on you and him while catching him up with what's going on in your life.

The whole Hughes family knew the routine, no interrupting the gossip session, but Jack couldn't help but eaves drop on what you were telling Luke.

"...so I'm standing there, actually watching this dude lie straight through his teeth, telling me that he didn't try to hook up with my friend. Did he think she wouldn't send me the screenshots? I mean seriously..." Jack could hear through the rather thin walls from the place where he was standing in the hallway.

He was about to head to his room, but just as he was passing your bedroom door it opened, like a scene straight out of a movie, hitting him smack dab in the middle of his face.

"Dude this is sad. Are you this desperate to try to be in our circle?" Luke patted his brother on the shoulder as you got closer to the scene.

You and Luke communicated in almost a telepathic way, passing a glance that said it would be ok if Jack joined just this once.

"Come on you idiot," You took his arm and pull him into your room.

He looked between you and Luke, noticing some sort of mask covering both of your faces.

"What the fuck is on your face," Jack laughed as he started to pay attention to his younger brother.

"Don't knock it until you try it," He replied, sipping on a glass of water.

"So what brings you here today," You piped up, curious as to why your older brother was all of a sudden interested in your gossip day with Luke.

"I heard you talking about a boy," Admittedly, he knew it was kind of weird to be listening in on his little sister's love life, but he liked to think that they could be close enough to fill each other in on important information.

He noticed that you were preparing something, and then saw that you were coming towards him with whatever was already on Luke's face.

"No way in hell is that going on my face," He tried to defend himself, but Luke holding his arms behind his back revealed that there was no point in trying.

"If you want to be in on the gossip, you can't skip skincare," You said, applying the mask evenly over Jack's face.

"So you heard what I was saying?" You asked, biting your tongue and concentrating on not making a mess on your floor.

"Mhm," Jack hummed.

"Any advice?" You were actually curious about what he had to say considering he could be the type of dude to do some stupid shit like you had experienced.

"Don't give him the time of day. Know your worth. I mean you got some pretty badass brothers, so you shouldn't expect anything less from a guy," He advised, his eyes closed trying to avoid getting anything in them.

"I think that's why I keep getting disappointed. I mean, not counting Jack, you and Quinn set the bar high for expectations from a guy," Your comment is directed at Luke, but you give Jack a cheeky glance.

"Hey! I'm sitting right here..." He feigned hurt, his hand covering his heart to add to the dramatics.

"No, but seriously. Mom and Dad didn't raise you to settle. Don't compromise your standards for a guy that isn't worth it." Jack's advice was filled with love, something that he wasn't very serious about most of the time, especially with his siblings. They all loved each other, but they rarely expressed it through words.

"Thanks, Jack. You know, if you weren't my sibling you'd be my best friend," You passed him one of your headbands so that he would stop fidgeting and pushing his hair back with his fingers.

"I can most definitely be both?" He furrowed his eyebrows, confused on how he can only qualify for the sibling portion of your comment.

"Nah," Luke piped in, scrolling through his social media on his phone.

"And why's that," Jack questioned, watching as his two younger siblings began to look at each other.

"Listen, Jack. Bud. I love you, but as you can see my best friend slot is kind of filled by Luke. We do love you, though!" You called after him as he began to leave your room.

"Where are you going?" Luke called to Jack right behind you.

"To look for someone to fill my best friend slot since you two obviously have no availability!"

As if on cue, Quinn walked through the living room door, almost hitting Jack again.

"Watch where you're go-" He began, but as soon as he saw what was on his brother's face he folded over laughing.

"What is on your face?" Quinn asked between breaths, trying to hold his composure.

Jack flipped him off, but turned to the two younger siblings that were hanging out of your bedroom doorway.

"I'm sure Quinn would love to be my best friend," Jack narrowed his eyes at you, causing you to giggle.

"Not with whatever is on your face," Quinn chuckled and ruffled Jack's hair.

"I hate you all," Jack rolled his eyes as he made his way to his room.

Although he said it, he'd never mean it. Even if Luke was your so-called best friend, at the end of the day you all knew that it was the four of you against the world. You all would do anything for each other with no questions asked. The four of you may be dispersed across the country at any given point, but eventually you all would find your way home to each other.

“I’ll be your best friend, Jacky Boy,” Quinn knocked on Jack’s door, a suppressed laugh threatening to spill.

“Fuck off,” Jack threw back.

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[twig-tea]

Only Friends Ep 6 Scene By Scene

This is the episode we've all been waiting for. It's the first episode where everyone is objectively a bit of an asshole; it's the first episode where truths are finally talked about, it's the episode that starts to answer two of my most burning questions (what is Boston's home life like, and where is April?), and interestingly it's the first episode we get without any obvious narrative framing or character perspective.

It was so interesting, as the clear pivot point of the story, that there was no obvious framework this ep, but this entire episode was parallels and callbacks and hypocrisy/relying on viewer knowledge to understand all of the subcurrents. I have so many thoughts that I'm talking about each scene so this post is LONG.

First scene: Top and Mew by the pool. Not enough people are giving Force and Book credit for keeping the awkward tension between these two even though they are having textbook cute moments, because these characters still don't trust one another and this scene establishes that before the rest of the episode blows them up: Mew says he's not sure they'll be together in 3 months, explicitly calling out the fragility of their relationship; and Top gets defensive at Mew insinuating he doesn't need a relationship and doesn't trust that they'll stay together, and straight-up lies that he's stopped doing drugs and having casual sex [though I do wonder how much he believes it's a lie because he's clearly cut back from his usual, and when someone does something all the time changing to doing it rarely does feel like not a big deal in comparison] and asks what else about himself he needs to change for Mew [all, by the way, while Mew is preparing to undergo permanent surgery to his eyes for Top]. We also get this called back later in the ep when Mew tells Ray to quit drugs and Ray says sure, and I have to wonder how many times that exchange has happened and if it's partly why Mew is suspicious of Top's "easy" change. Also interesting that Mew seems to be one of the only people in this friend group who has two parents (his moms) that care about him and who also have a good relationship with each other. Mew's point that he doesn't need fulfillment from a relationship because he gets it from his friends and family is interesting; especially given his friends. [Sidenote: This is basically how I feel about my own life so I am curious how other people read this assertion.] The ephemeral change of sleeping around and doing drugs vs the physical and permanent change of Lasik is really standing out to me this scene as significant.

Second scene: the meeting with the professor. It's interesting that even though they're presenting, they're the ones sitting down. Cheum says they can keep personal and professional lives separate and Ray turns to stare directly at Boston. I love that this is even before anyone else knew that the Boston/Top hookup was at the soft launch party for the hostel. Also noting Cheum's catty comment about even Boston helping; this girl is so much messier than people give her credit for [just saw @lurkingshan 's breakdown of this episode as I continue to update this post and yessssss call her out!!]

Third scene: noodles. This is I think the same place they planned the soft launch party. I'm seeing parallels with everyone pressuring Boston to date Nick to everyone pressuring Mew to sleep with Top in the first ep. Also, interesting that Cheum promises to behave this time [and then definitely doesn't]. We've all (or at least I have) been wondering where April is and now we get some explanation. I do wish they'd established this as more of a pattern for Cheum to complain like this, but I'll take it as setup now. The way Ray and his seething is invisible in this scene has been covered beautifully here [by @poetry-protest-pornography and @respectthepetty ].

Fourth scene: Ton and Nick wakeboarding. The parallels here to Top/Mew are twofold: we get the similar sitting by the water parallel from earlier this episode, in which there is a clear undercurrent of hypocrisy between what the characters are saying and what the audience knows about them (that conversation with/about Gap was so good, with the tension in Nick knowing he still has that audio clip and still hasn't deleted it as Boston berates Gap for the same thing), and then there is the contrasting parallel to when Mew took Top wakeboarding for the first time with the rest of his friend group. In contrast, Ton took Nick here alone, clearly still trying to play this game of not dating Nick but doing things with him that they would do if they were dating, that send extremely mixed signals. This scene again underscores the fragility of the relationship Boston and Nick have and how easily it can be broken.

Fifth scene: The hospital. Sand and his mom, in which we see how used he is to taking care of someone who is a bit of a mess [affectionate], and how he can still only be somewhat honest with his mom about his relationship with Ray (more than we'd expect between a 20something and their mom, but less than we the audience know is the truth--they're just having fun but it's not what he wants). And then the confrontation between Top and Sand. Top characterizes his relationship with Mew as "I get what I want" and I have to wonder how much of that is posturing to annoy Sand and how much of it is honesty. I did also think that maybe he meant it when he said "I hope you get what you want soon" because he wants Ray's attention away from Mew.

Sixth scene [start of part 2]: Sand intentionally drops and stomps on his phone to have an excuse to borrow Nick's so he can steal the sex audio. This is the first time that Sand consciously does something shitty to one of his friends, and I am living for it--let good characters make bad decisions! The parallel here is of course to Boston getting his phone fixed by Nick and having Nick steal his photo and adding one of his own from the beginning of the series; also a small one of Sand using his mom as an excuse to lie to his friend, the way Top used his dad as an excuse to lie to Mew the night he slept with Boston [not a comparison Sand would like, which is why I enjoy it]. I love that we see Nick get worried at the end of this scene because he's a phone tech and of course would know to check what Sand did with his phone.

Seventh scene: Top taking care of Mew after Lasik; this is maybe the least tense scene between Mew and Top, and the fact that Mew can barely see and is drugged for it is on point. I do also like that Top isn't great at caretaking but he is trying. This scene reminds me of Mew taking care of Ray and vice versa, especially the latter when Ray kisses Mew while he's sleeping and how that's contrasted with Top (Mew's boyfriend) only kissing Mew's forehead when he realizes he's asleep. The sketches that Top does are also really interesting, and how they hit Mew later is even more fascinating. The conversation they have in which Mew establishes that this is all happening right after they've had penetrative sex for the first time (so not long after ep 5) and makes clear he's still nervous about his performance and then credits Boston for their relationship, setting everything up for later, is just so good, it underscores the importance Mew has been putting on his virginity and sets the betrayal up to hit harder. I love how Top pushes back on giving Ton credit for their relationship here because it makes him so uncomfortable.

Eighth scene: Sand calls Ray out to play the stolen clip for him. This feels like a parallel to Boston calling Top out to play the video of Mew and Ray kissing. Other folks [ @xceanlynx and @respectthepetty linked here] have pointed out that in this scene Sand is choosing his hatred of Top over his potential relationship with Ray here, which I don't disagree with, but also what occurred to me here because of this parallel is the similarity in that both Sand and Boston seem to be motivated by their jealousy of Mew in these scenes too. I also just can't stop thinking about how wild it is that everyone recognizes Top and Ton by their sex noises alone.

Ninth scene: Boston and Nick with Boston's dad. We finally get some background for Boston and he clarifies he's always been planning to bail on Thailand to go to New York. It's interesting that it's made explicit that if Boston fails he's more likely to go to New York sooner, especially after the warning their teacher gave about the hostel project and how we know it's Boston's drama that is threatening to blow that project up. Boston's conversation with his dad is a contrast with Sand and his mom earlier; while Sand sleeping around was not judged by his mom, she did warn him about his feelings, while Boston's dad seemed to celebrate his callousness. The way Boston continues to ask Nick to not be dramatic while stirring up constant drama in his own friend group, and his insistence that his relationship with Nick is special but not a relationship is really something. Also that this convo takes place in Boston's dark room, which gets called out later as one of his regular hookup locations, and where Nick first got suspicious about Boston and Top, is interesting, especially in the context of permanent physical photos vs digital recordings that you can't necessarily erase vs how gossamer thin their relationship security is, and how tied up in voyeurism all of these things are.

Tenth scene [start of part 3]: Ray confronts Boston at the hostel (blatantly running contrast to "we can keep personal and professional lives separate"). We see Boston nervous here when first being confronted before he decides what approach to take with Ray to keep his mouth shut (not for the first time; we saw him nervous in the showers when he first tried to get Top to have sex). Also, I just have to say, respect to Ray for going to Boston first to confirm it's true before deciding what to do with the clip.

Eleventh scene: the birthday party at Yo's bar. It's poetic that the start and end of the Mew/Top relationship is because of conversations at Yolo. Once again, the spectre of failing school [because of the project] comes up in Mew's birthday wish. Cheum immediately breaks her promise to be "good" and teases Boston about Nick. She also says "everyone is dating someone now", apparently forgetting entirely about Ray. This entire conversation was so passive aggressive and @lurkingshan 's post (linked above) breaks it down really well. I am fascinated by Mew's reaction to Top's gift; I hope we get more insight into that because he seemed legitimately shaken, and it didn't seem to be positive. Also highlighting that once again Boston is credited for their relationship (this time by Cheum), and both Boston and Top seem deeply uncomfortable with it but Top doesn't argue it this time.

Twelfth scene: Ray and Mew in the bathroom. I already mentioned Ray's promise to quit and how it parallels Top "quitting for Mew" at the start of the ep; Mew is expressing care for Ray here but in a way that is distant and frankly a bit callous (to say "you'll be dead by thirty" to a guy who was/is suicidal is not the smartest approach even if it isn't intentionally referencing that). He insists that Ray not drive home but doesn't take his keys or stay with him to make sure he does actually get a ride, which is admittedly a big ask on your own birthday but just indicates the intentional boundaries Mew tries to set with Ray about not caring too much, I think. I don't think this makes him a terrible person, but it makes him not a great friend. This is in contrast to Sand, who stayed with Ray and made sure he would not drive before he even knew him, and followed him at the end of this ep to make sure he would not hurt himself or someone else even after Ray pushed him away.

Cursed thirteenth scene: Ray blows everything up [ shoutout to @liyazaki for this perfect post]. First, the same song is playing as the silent disco, calling back how Top's fate was sealed before Mew and Top had even gotten very far. And then once again, Sand's band is interrupted so that someone can take the mic, just as Top did when he asked out Mew for the first time. Mew calls out Cheum and April for their less than perfect relationship despite what it seems on the surface and more specifically calls out Cheum for being a bit of an asshole actually, mentions that Boston is a gossip about his hookups (which is not actually something we've seen evidence of, and I'm interested in how true it is), tells Nick he's not special, tries to explain to Mew that he (Ray) is not who Boston thinks he is and didn't share the clip with Mew to get him for himself [only knowable on rewatch of course]. Cheum finally admits that she fully knew Ray was in love with Mew this whole time and has just been ignoring it/pretending not to [vindication!!] and accuses Mew of exactly what he was trying to deny. Top finally acts his nastiest self in front of Mew, putting his arm around Mew's shoulder and claiming ownership for the second time this party in Ray's face (first time was when Yo joked that she wanted to go out with Mew now that the glasses were gone). Sand can't get Ray to stop, and Ray tries to shame Sand needing money by implying he should have sex with Ray for money. Ray goes after Boston, and Mew can't get Ray to shut up either so he hits him (even knowing why Ray is acting like this; and that's my favourite part of this entire episode, that Mew has decided he wants his moment to confront Top his way, once again using sex to control his feelings--this time to make him humiliated rather than fall in love--and he's willing to punch his friend to get his moment, and I am obsessed).

Fourteen: Only Sand goes after Ray, once again the only one actively trying to stop him from killing himself or someone else on the road. Sand snaps and yells at Ray to pay attention to him, Ray's "what are we to each other?" comes off as desperate rather than accusing, which I love--the question of what they are to one another has come up so many times and neither is willing to admit they want to be more first. Ray again calls Sand a whore this time explicitly, and drives off. Sand follows Ray. This is a beautiful parallel to the first time Sand took Ray home. Like every other couple scene this episode, the tenuousness of their connection is highlighted and even threatened in this scene, but Sand doubles down.

Fifteen: April and Cheum finally have a scene. They reconcile, but (like all of the couples) it feels tenuous. April asks that Cheum not lie to her just to avoid conflict, and Cheum promises to do that--but I am fully expecting this to not last. Since we know Cheum knew Ray was in love with Mew this whole time, it's confirmed that her lying or just glossing over reality to keep things easy is her personality not just something she does with her girlfriend's films.

Sixteen: the scene that we've all been waiting for. This was such a good fake-out, and it's the start of Mew's unhinged era he promised us all at the start of Top's pursuit of Mew. The way he set the stage, prepared a script, and as best I can figure out, TIMED A REMIX OF THE SEX AUDIO TO HIS SEDUCTION is absolutely sending me. Being more sexually confident, initiating sex and holding Top down, and making sure he could see Top's face when he realized what was happening, whew boy what a set-up. I am thinking about how much of that was him wanting Top to feel tricked and violated the way he felt tricked and violated. I also love Mew jumping to the conclusion that Boston and Top planned this and were laughing at him because that's a) indicative of something Mew would do, clearly; b) totally something people think when they're embarrassed, they assume everyone else knows and is laughing at them; c) not totally wrong because Boston did make fun of Mew's lack of experience to Top (shoutout to the YouTube comments for the reminder).

And that last sentence of the episode deserves its own paragraph because it just so perfectly encapsulates exactly where Mew went wrong in his thinking from the start: "I wasn't good enough for you to love only me"... As though other people's behaviour is controlled by your goodness and earned through your own behaviour. As though love and sex are value judgments. As though the world is fair. As though goodness is an objective judgment that allows you to control the people around you. This thinking is so harmful and so pervasive. It's really a sign of Mew's desperate need to be in control (in this version of events, even Top having sex with Boston is actually Mew's doing, which means in theory Mew could prevent it from happening again if he betters himself). And it confirms what we all suspected Mew's been trying to do this whole time: Manipulate Top into changing into a "better person" [read: monogamous and drug-free] through his own behaviour.

I also noticed that almost every camera shot in this entire episode was close faces and there was a lot of hand-held camera work. Intimacy, instability, lack of clarity, all of these things were coming through the way it was shot.

Ahdhsh tumblr keeps eating parts of this so I'm going to stop. But whew this episode just gave and gave!!

@ranchthoughts @slayerkitty @wen-kexing-apologist @neuroticbookworm @waitmyturtles @lurkingshan @distant-screaming @chickenstrangers @clara-maybe-ontheroad

Tagging the ephemerality squad because if any of you pick up on any of these threads and parallels and tie them into your meta I want to know about it! Tumblr is showing me only like half of what people are posting these days and unfollowing people without my consent so pls tag me

[shadow-the-crow]

why i would be an avatar of these fear entities:

got this idea from the lovely @totheidiot (who got it from @cult-of-the-eye) - basically experiences that could have marked me and stuff that connects me to the entities. (Disclaimer: I'm only in the middle of season 2 and only know the basic lore, so i don't exactly know what makes you become an avatar)

the Lonely: This is the one i feel most connected to. Loneliness has always found me at different points in my life - mostly because of my social anxiety. I often didn't have many friends, had difficulties connecting with new people, and mostly i even feel disconnected from my friends because i'm scared of opening up and being myself. At this point i feel like it's a part of me. Like it's continuously eating me up but by now i'm embracing it. Also, a close friend of mine says she's had a constant feeling of loneliness ever since she lived with me for a few months. (She says it wasn't my fault, that it's probably just because she was far fom her family and other friends, but still.) So i might already be an irl avatar of the Lonely lol

the Extinction (and maybe this is also a bit of the Vast?): This happened last summer during a holiday in Italy with my family. One night, the whole sky was suddenly lit up by lightnings every few seconds, they formed crazy patterns but stayed in the sky. Then there was also thunder, getting louder and louder, and at one point it just didn't stop anymore. At this point, i actually thought the world was ending. Then the hail started. The hailstones were bigger than tennis balls, and we were in a mobile home, so we were legitimately scared the roof would collapse. I stayed weirdly calm though. It kept going for maybe half an hour, thankfully nobody got hurt.

the Eye: I used to be pretty paranoid as a kid, i often felt like i was being watched when i was alone. I'm also a very curious person who loves learning new stuff, and i can't stand not knowing something, so i often immediately look up things i'm wondering about. Also people on here have told me i'm of the Eye because i can't stop listening to tma although it scares me, like i somehow feel compelled to continue, but idk if that means anything.

the Spiral: I'm not sure if this one counts, but i feel really drawn to the Distortion's weird existence and the whole "it is not what it is" thing. Also "there's no such thing as a real name" is a quote that deeply resonates with me, idk, i just think it's true - and i'm convinced i'll never find a name that feels like it's mine. Also i'm really good at lying, sometimes i lie about little things just for fun.

the Corruption: Corruption to a certain degree gives me comfort because my family's home has always been... idk, "dirty" is the closest word i can think of, but that doesn't really describe it. We regularly clean and all, the rooms look clean at first sight - but there's old, forgotten, sometimes moldy stuff in the cracks and under the furniture and on the kitchen sink, and a lot of walls are moldy in the corners. So it just feels like there's something rotting underneath, and that feeling is comforting to be by now. Unrelated to that, i also still remember that one time i climbed on a tree and suddenly there were ants all over my body and i just jumped and shaked my limbs for like a minute.

[loominggaia]

Message from @randomhedgie , on the subject of Jennie. It contains potential Looming Gaia spoilers, so I will place it under a cut:

randomhedgie asked:

I have so many questions about Jennie!! But first things first, I'm so glad to see that the surgery went well!! I hope your doing ok! Onto Jennie, she's so cute!! I was wondering, how old is she in relation to Cinnamon? I feel like they could be little mischievous friends. Secondly, what happened to her birth mom? I don't think said birth mom would be OK with Zov having custody considering the circumstances around Jennie's conception. What age do Zov and Lily adopt her at? Did Zov know she's his biological daughter before adopting her, or after?

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Thank you so much! I'm told that full recovery takes a few months, but I'm doing well so far. My thyroid had basically died and turned into a giant tumor, it was literally sucking the life out of me. I'm hoping I'll feel better going forward.

Jennie's exact entry into the series hasn't been finalized, so I can't say how old she will be in relation to Cinnamon or the other characters yet. But yes, if they were around the same age, I could totally see them hanging out! Cinnamon would be such a bad influence on Jennie, lol. Jennie at least tries to be a good girl, but Cinnamon doesn't even try. She's a little shit and she knows it.

Jennie's birth mom (Fay) died from her GSV infection, unfortunately. Her Evangelite enslaver forced her to breed with Zov, intending to sell their valuable offspring. Fay did not want to give up her baby, despite the circumstances of its conception, so she planned her escape during the early stages of her pregnancy. Little did she know, a baby wasn't the only "gift" Zov gave her...she had also contracted GSV from him, a virus that can lie dormant for years before suddenly becoming deadly.

Fay fled to Taybiya, where she gave birth to Jennie and lived a relatively normal life. But after a few years, the GSV activated and she did not have access to suppressant medication (nor did she even realize she had GSV). She realized she was getting sicker and sicker for unknown reasons and would die soon, so she finally took Jennie to a local orphanage run by Karenzans. The Order of Love and Light tried to save her, but her illness was too advanced. All they could do at that point was make sure her daughter was taken care of. She died just days after giving up Jennie.

I imagine Jennie was around 5-8 years old when her mother died and she ended up at the orphanage. Lily happened to be volunteering at this orphanage at the time, and she noticed that Jennie had a "Zov" in her name (Jen Fay Zov). Names are a genetic feature for goblins, so this set off alarms for her.

Curious, she mined her fellow volunteers for information and they revealed all that Fay told them before she died. She mentioned that Jennie's father was a pit fighting slave she was forced to breed with. Jennie was also starting to get ill like her mother, and the Karenzans diagnosed her with GSV (luckily they caught it early, so it could be suppressed with medication). Lily was able to put all the pieces together and realize Jennie was, in fact, one of Zov's children.

Lily and Zov weren't sure about having children initially, but meeting this girl sealed the deal, and they decided it would be criminal of them not to adopt her. Fay certainly would not approve of Zov having custody of her daughter, but the Zov she knew was a very different person than the one he grows into later. By this time he has matured into the best man he can be, and he has learned the value of kindness, empathy, and love from his time with the Karenzans. He is far from perfect, but he's come a long way and is still moving forward.

As Zov learns things like empathy, the countless murders and rapes of his past really start to haunt him. He has to work through all that trauma and it is not easy, to the say the least. Though it was not his choice to do those things (Dorzlaf forced him), his previously cold attitude towards it sickens him. He decides to step up and raise Jennie, to give her the nice life that he was denied, and he will do it to honor every woman and child he ever harmed during his long career as a pit fighter. He is quite religious (was a Modern Lindist, later became a Traditional Lindist) and determined to save his soul. He believes Jennie was delivered to him by the gods as a way to do just that, so he takes his role as her father very seriously.

He and Lily would not be able to raise her on their own, but they have a lot of friends at the temple who are more than willing to help. Between two loving parents, her guardian Buddy, and a lot of wise Karenzan priestesses, I think Jennie is on track to have a great (and rather interesting...) life!

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Questions/Comments?

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[internet-angelmp3]

Hello! I wouldn't call myself an anti, I'm more or less just morbidly curious about your community but would never personally join it based on my own standing on a lot you guys accept, though I don't think a lot of what you guys are doing is really that harmful to others so I don't really? Hate the community? Idk. I just have a question I wished to ask as I'm curious, answer if you want you can tell me to fuck off as well.

Mainly I'm just curious on what made you decide to become a radqueer, and perhaps how you figured out what you're experiencing is a 'transid'. I myself am a part of a system so I do feel more connected with some basic transid's I won't lie, but I really don't grasp trans disabilities or mental illnesses in the slightest, why would you want something like that? Not to be rude just extremely curious. Or trans races or ethnicities.

Have a good day! I am sending this out to multiple people, I enjoy hearing multiple perspectives.

Hello! I won't tell anyone who's polite to fuck off, Anti's included! Since you're asking so nicely as a neutral party, I'll explain but the post will be a bit long so I'll ramble under the cut.

My first few transids were trans heterochromia and trans intersex.

For trans heterochromia I had believed my whole life, even as a young child, that I should have heterochromia and it felt simply wrong that I didn't. I used to think about it a lot and get very irrationally upset that I did not have heterochromia.

As for trans intersex, it started when I was younger and I was very bigendered and I felt like it wasn't just bigender, that it was a part of me. As I got older, my voice deepened and I got excess hair in certain parts even though I was afab and started to show many signs of actually being intersex.

However, I don't have access to a doctor or any diagnosis due to the lack of resources in such a small Australian country town, living far away from the hospital and having no way to get there and I and my family have no money to spare. Along with that, no matter what I tell counsellors about my childhood neglect and have even told them about my SA trauma, they insist that all my problems are because I am queer or because I have a menstrual cycle.

So I changed from trans intersex to tris (trans and cis) intersex. Because I show many symptoms of having Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia (an intersex condition) but I don't feel intersex enough to be valid or for people to take me seriously. I wish my intersex was more visible so I would have a proper reason and my parents and doctors and counsellors would believe me.

Another big one for me is tris (trans and cis) Irish. I am Irish, my father's side is 100% Irish. They immigrated to a small Australian town during a gold rush. After the gold rush, they stayed. I feel disconnected from my culture as I did not grow up in Ireland but I feel a pull to the culture, to the country. There are a lot of people who live in Ireland who say "If you don't live in Ireland, you're not Irish." referring to people who are 1% Irish but I am at least 30% Irish, 50% at the most. I'm cis Irish but feel trans Irish because of the disconnection I have with my culture due to immigration.

I also have tris (trans and cis) plural on my pinned post, it's similar to my experience with being tris intersex. I am plural, I experience plurality. I talk with my headmates. We are a traumagenic system. But it feels like if we went anywhere near anti endogenic spaces, other traumagenics would fakeclaim us because we relate to the labels "Hydra conscious" (We share a consciousness but also have separate ones), "Singletflux" (We spend most of our time as a singlet but during times of stress we split up again) and other labels like those.

Thanks for asking so nicely, Anon! Have a very nice day!

[anarcho-physicist]

Squishy Stuff, Symmetries, & Why '3 States of Matter' is a Lie [PART 1]

Hi! I'm new to tumblr, I migrated over here from reddit with r/196. I didn't post much there, but this seems like a good place to talk about the things I'm interested in. So I'm gonna do that. This is going to be a two-part post (since it’s turning out to be pretty long) about what soft matter (or, affectionately, squishy stuff) is, why the traditional picture of classifying matter into solid/liquid/gas is woefully incomplete, and how you should really think about phases of matter. In my next post after these first two, I’ll show a bunch of cool pictures of soft matter systems, and I’ll talk a little bit about what I’m planning to share in the future. But for now, I would like to explain why I think this criminally under-communicated field of physics is the coolest thing in the universe.

So I'm a PhD candidate studying theoretical soft condensed matter physics, which basically means I think weird phases of matter are cool as hell. Remember that scene from spongebob squarepants where spongebob and patrick are looking at weird squishy organ thing and say something like "it's a liquid!" "no it's a solid it's a solid!" "it's a lolsquid!"? That scene pretty much perfectly defines the subject of the field of soft matter. Like many things in life, we're taught in school to fit phases of matter into neat little binary categories. You have solids which are generally rigid and don't flow, and the science-class explanation for why is because all of the solid's constituent atoms/molecules/particles are locked in-place, either in a regular, periodic lattice if it's a crystal, or in some kind of random, disordered arrangement if it's an amorphous material like glass. Then you have liquids, which do flow to fill their containers, but don’t expand outwards into the air, which is explained as the constituent particles being densely packed together due to some form of attractive forces between them, but free to jiggle around and move past one another. And finally there are gasses, which flow and expand to fill their containers completely, due to the constituent particles having overcome these attractive interactions and moving freely through space, only occasionally colliding with other particles. If you were a nerdy kid like me, you may also have heard of things like plasma and Bose-Einstein condensates, expanding those 3 categories into more like 5 or 6.

Coming up with this picture, explaining the coarse-grained, macroscopic behavior of the universe we live in in terms of these microscopic models, is one of the greatest accomplishments of the last couple centuries of physics. But if you start to think too hard about it, to pay too much attention to the world around you, you’ll start to notice some cracks in the picture. A common first exposure to one of these cracks occurs when you mix cornstarch with water to make "oobleck". This curious substance will flow slowly to fill its container, but if you hit it with a hammer, it’ll feel like a solid, even fracturing like a solid before flowing back to fill in its cracks. You can even walk on it (if you walk fast enough).

Another, similar example is silly putty. You can roll it up into a ball and throw it against a wall, and it’ll bounce back just like a solid. But if you leave a glob of silly putty on a ledge and walk away for a few minutes, by the time you get back you’ll have a mess on the floor.

So we have these cute little examples of weird materials that do weird things, and if we ask our science teachers where they fit into this picture, they’ll say something about “non-Newtonian fluids”, which makes them sound like they should fit into some subcategory of liquid. But maybe you don’t worry too much about it too much, because how often do we really encounter oobleck and silly putty in day-to-day life anyway? So you add a little subcategory to the “liquids” bin in your mental picture of how matter works, and move on with your life. And then you learn about rubber.

From the perspective of a theoretical physicist, rubber is a remarkable material. From a macroscopic point of view, it’s clearly a solid. It doesn’t flow, and it’s not as rigid as, say, a crystal, but it does behave elastically, pushing back on you if you push on it. And yet, if you zoom way in on rubber and look at its microscopic structure and dynamics on the scale of a few molecules, it’s indistinguishable from a liquid. Molecules are not locked into rigid positions, they’re constantly jiggling and flowing around each other. So what the hell is going on here? 

The physical origins of rubber’s elasticity is a fascinating topic that I will certainly discuss in more mathematical detail at some point (spoiler: unlike crystal elasticity which comes from energy, i.e. electrically charged particles pushing on each other, rubber elasticity comes from entropy), but the important takeaway for now is that, unlike in crystals and “simple” fluids, you can’t predict the macroscopic behavior from the microscopic scale. If you really want to understand rubber, silly putty, or oobleck, there’s a third length scale in between the two that’s really important: the mesoscopic. The macroscopic properties of these materials arise from structures which are much larger than the individual atoms & molecules the material is made of, but much smaller than the material itself. In fact, the only physical thing that differentiates oobleck from silly putty from rubber are small differences in these mesoscopic structures. 

This is again something that deserves its own post, but all three of these materials are made up of very long, wiggly molecules called polymers. Physicists aren’t too interested in the chemical makeup of these polymers since they all roughly obey the same mathematics, so we essentially think of them as tiny pieces of spaghetti which are wiggling around due to being constantly buffeted by other molecules. Oobleck is essentially just a whole bunch of these polymers dissolved in water at high density. If you use a probe to push slowly on a bit of oobleck, the polymers can slowly, thermally jiggle out of the way of the probe, flowing viscously like a liquid. But if you push too fast, the polymers will push back, primarily due to a really fascinating effect known as entropic elasticity. This explains the “non-Newtonian” (or more specifically “viscoelastic”) behavior of oobleck, but what about silly putty and rubber? To understand their behavior, imagine you have a big bowl of these spaghetti molecules, and you start tying them together, crosslinking two at a time. In actual materials, these crosslinks are formed by some chemical which is able to bond two different polymers together at a point. Then, push or pull on one of the pieces of spaghetti. The more you increase the number of crosslinks, the more likely you are to drag other pieces along with it. The more crosslinks you have, the more rigid and brittle the overall piece of matter behaves. This is the fundamental difference between oobleck, silly putty, and rubber: the density of crosslinks. 

But if you tried to predict this macro-scale behavior by looking at the micro-scale phenomena of individual molecules, you’d fail completely, because even in rubber which has the highest density of crosslinks of our three examples, these crosslinks occur only once every few dozen to every few thousand molecules. They are separated by meso-scale distances. Tiny changes in the density of crosslinkers can have huge effects on the overall macroscopic properties of the material, and the only way to understand this is by modeling the physics of these meso-scale structures. Our traditional classification scheme of solid, liquid, or gas makes reference only to micro-scale behavior in explaining the macro-scale, and thus is utterly incapable of describing polymeric materials like oobleck, silly putty and rubber. 

So at this point, if you’re like me, learning this kind of blows your mind a little bit, maybe even makes you a little bit paranoid. What other states of matter have they been lying to us about? You start to look around more closely at the world around you, what it’s really made of. Is peanut butter a solid or a liquid? What about toothpaste? What about me? If I flex a muscle and poke it, it feels rigid like a solid, but if I relax that muscle and do the same, it flows more easily around my finger. Does my body undergo a phase transition every time I use a muscle? What even counts as a phase of matter anyway? If I look up at a big murmation of starlings flocking together in the sky and squint my eyes a little bit, it almost looks like a big droplet of a very weird fluid. Does that count as a phase of matter?

After I started thinking more deeply about what the hell all this stuff we’re made of is, I couldn’t stop. It seems almost ridiculous to me that it’s possible for all of the natural world’s complexity to exist at all, so it’s become my life’s obsession to try to understand some of the fundamental, mathematical structures behind it. Which is why I’m currently working towards my PhD in soft matter physics. Since I started this journey I’ve learned a lot of very cool stuff about the structure of matter, and I think a lot of other people might find this stuff really cool too, so I’m gonna try my best to explain it, which I think will help me understand it even better. Please feel free to ask questions!

In part 2, I’m going to explain a better way to think about phases of matter: in terms of symmetries. I’ll also talk a bit more precisely about what I mean by the term “soft matter”, and why I think it’s the coolest, most exciting field of physics.

[dogydayz]

had an absolutely horrible idea about an AU where Shadow has all the memories of things just like in the original SA2 story and shit but people for some reason treat his memories weirdly, and he's just like... yknow, upset that people are downplaying his life and shit, until one day Eggman finds him and is like "PLEASE DON'T ATTACK ME I was just curious about all the stuff you've described because I had no files about it so I went back to the ARK to try to find whatever notes may be left behind aaaaand- well. Apparently.... Those things you've said? Like the memories you have???? Yeah uhhhh..." And he ends up telling Shadow that none of those memories were real, like basically none of what he "remembered" had ever actually happened, and those memories were all ALSO manufactured at some point when Project Shadow was being "shut down" (at some point in time Maria ended up unfortunately passing away from an illness she caught and it basically made the whole Project worthless), and Gerald had decided in a last ditch effort to guard the project from GUN to give Shadow these false memories just in case they DO wake him up to try to use him, as the would spark a reaction that would hopefully cause him to go against them.

His entire existence prior had never even properly happened, there was no being put into a 50 year sleep, he was ALWAYS asleep and just given false memories to sway him in one direction. GUN had to try to alter those existing fake memories so that he WOULDN'T immediately fight them. People played tug of war with his mind to get him to do what they wanted, there was never any real Maria in his life, she'd died before he could've ever actually met her. He's literally just a shut down project with no proper leftover purpose, but he couldn't be destroyed because it was literally impossible back then TO destroy him. He only still exists because Gerald never lived long enough to discover a way to properly decommission him. His whole existence is nothingness and he has to live on with the thought that he can't even fucking trust his own memories because none of them until after he was awoken were ever real. Just manufactured. He doesn't even know what Gerald ever truly thought of him, no one knows really. Everything he knew was a goddamn lie from the start and all he has now is himself, and what he'd built of himself since his arc.

Would fester in these thoughts and lose himself to the ideas of being unable to trust himself, or would he take the rage he feels from learning this and use that to forge his own path that is truly only his?

[wack-ashimself]

The closest I ever came to going vegan...

Okja (the super pig. Spoilers)

<Backstory: 'Poker Face' has an episode where a known BBQ guy goes vegan after watching Okja. So I had to see what it was about. Turns out, I like the director's work (All of it) and didn't realize he had such a wide variety of movies.>

Plot is after being paid to raise a super big GMO pig (sold as magic/miracle pig) for 10 years, it's supposed to go back to the company to be made into meat. Young girl doesn't want to give it up. Goes on an adventure to save it. And for a mostly light hearted romp, there is some graphic and violent scenes. Forced breeding, cops beating the FUCK out of people, and probably the most real to life walk thru of a meat processing plant in a movie I ever saw (non documentary).

In the end, at the processing plant, the evil CEO won't give up the pig cuz it's bad business. The girl gives up her solid golden pig statue (what her grandpa basically sold the pig for) in order to save it. And this is all after you saw, step by step, how they would go from killing to chopping up the meat*. So you already sat thru a lot...

but then, something I felt like you would see at a concentration camp. It rocked me...

As the girl is being escorted out with her pig, going by all the locked up and being systematically killed THOUSANDS of other pigs, some of the other pigs are curious and follow them. You don't understand why, until one starts to attack the electric fence, hurting itself. Then you see them push something thru...

THEIR FUCKING BABY!!!! They KNEW they were going to be killed, including their baby, so they took the only chance they had, and threw it to the people escaping. Okja hides the baby in her mouth. As they're walking away, all the other pigs (who have been raised separately) cry in unison as another gunshot to the head can be heard in the background....

GEEZ. I ....wow...you don't come out feeling great if you are a meat eater watching that movie. Cuz you know ALLLLLLL of that is true:

-rich people & businesses (and governments, since the FDA approved it in this movie) only care about the bottom line and will happily shove garbage, toxic garbage, down your throat. And lie every single time they can. <Also, marketing can make you believe anything if it's said loud and happy enough>

-our meat industry is SOULLESS. And we (honestly, self included) genuinely need to eat significantly less. For our health and the planet's health. I mean, do you really think making something live a terrible unhealthy caged life and then murdering it, that its' remains will be SUPER healthy for you? We are gross.

-Every living creature has a soul, can feel, can love, and can suffer.

-again, this is me reading into a foreign movie but FUCK traditions. This all happened cuz her grandpa hated her pet, and wanted her to get married? She was 14 in the movie; Let her live her fucking life.

<The thing that bugged me (little things annoy me): they lived on a mountain top/side. Their water pump was RIGHT at the edge of a cliff. Where the FUCK are you pumping water from? Is there small pockets of water in mountaintops? Do you have one LONG pipe? It just....it was so close to the edge of a MOUNTAINSIDE. Where was the water coming from?>

Either way, great movie (GREAT), but....I would genuinely say this borders on at least a HARD PG rating. If kids have never thought of or heard about this (rich corporations, the meat industry, marketing lies, etc), and find out what they see is MOSTLY true....it may fuck them up.

This is exactly why I like foreign movies too. There were so many times I went 'x happened, so now y happens' and I was pleasantly surprised. It still has some tropes, but nothing completely stolen.

Okja: Solid 8.2/10. My only complaint was tilda swtinon playing herself (AGAIN. How many times can she play 2 characters?), and the CGI kinda sucked. It wasn't horrible, but ain't winning fucking awards. And if it did...holy shit, low standards much?

ps-fav part? I have 2. The beginning, when Okja basically throws itself off a cliff to save the girl and the girl finds her just...farting around, fine, wanting attention. It was so like a pet. 2nd part? STEVEN YUEN! His WHOLE character arc. Also, him playing an asshat. Summary: he's part of a PETA like group, trying to free the super pig. But he lies to get the main girl to be forced to go along with them (and gets the SHIT beaten outta him for lying to the leader.) Then, in the end, he saves the main girl and the leader, outta no where, and shows that he got TATTOOED what his boss beat the shit out of him for doing on his arm. THAT is dedication. Get the shit beat out of you (your fault), kicked out of a group you gave your everything for, come back, AND get a tat to show your dedication? Geez...

*Meat. Why not dead animals? Name specific CUTS of meat instead of the body part... then go by animal. Beef, not dead cow. Pork, not dead pig. Poultry, not dead chicken.....we change the name so you feel less remorse for eating dead things we killed for our own ease (and we don't even do it. We pay others to do it, paying someone to take the guilt. How many if the only way we could eat meat was to kill the animal ourselves could do it ? WAY WAY less than you would think.)

[insightanddelight]

Where Have I Been? And a New Introduction.

Hi there! It's been a while...curious to know what's happening in my life? Read on.

So, okay, wow, over ten years later and I finally feel comfortable enough to tell the world about me.

30 years young. A Libra. And a woman with epilepsy. Yep, that's pretty much what it's all about. 

...then again, maybe it's not. 

Insight + Delight is a little writing corner so that I can share my journey with the world, and give some insight into what it’s like to live with epilepsy. There are so many challenges and struggles that one will have to overcome in life. Then, there's the delight with the happiness that follows afterwards. 

It's definitely a lifelong voyage with some high and low tides, and maybe a storm here and there, but all in all, the vista is always wonderful.

And also, what is the purpose of why I'm starting this blog?

What's the blog about? Well, keep on a readin' to find out...or just maybe, what I'm about, too.

For those who don't know who I am, my name's Suzanne and I have epilepsy.

As for those who do know me...surprise, I’m back!

I’ve been off the grid for about six years now. It's funny how years fly by, right? If you’ve missed my beauty blog and YouTube channel, maybe even my wedding photography, I would say I’m sorry, but I’m not.

That’s what some people have said. Yeah, well, get over it. I don’t mean that rudely or obnoxiously, but it’s about basic understanding. People need to learn to hear the full story, not just the headline, because it doesn’t tell you everything. We can relate that to judging someone as well.

So, there’s that whole ‘I apologise,’ concept, but honestly, I shouldn’t have to. In the future, a whole post will be about mental health, but we’re going to put that on pause for now.

I’m not going to lie and say that I don’t miss what I’ve done, because I do. However, many things happened in my life and have changed it so much to a point that it’s hard to find the strength to move on—even when you’re forced to do that.

As of right now, my little wedding photography business is put on an indefinite hiatus until further notice; but even if it’s a chapter that’s completely over in my life, I’m perfectly okay with that.

What’s the reason, you may ask? Well, it’s because I’m at a point in my life where I’m content.

I’m truly happy.

And no, I didn’t italicize that because I’m trying to be sarcastic, it’s because I’ve never been so sure about something.

“Happiness is a direction, not a place.” — Sydney J. Harris

It’s hard to come to that realisation when you feel like everything is going wrong in your life, and you’re stuck, surrounded by hundreds of walls, or you’re just in the centre of a maze and can’t get out—that’s how I felt for years. 2017 and 2018 were incredibly hard for me.

Medications decided to play dirty with my brain, and it wasn’t nice—not one bit. It wasn’t just that, though, it was with my hands too.

You can easily say that photography and tremors don’t exactly go hand-in-hand, do they now?

Wow, the irony of that. I mean, it's great. Really.

Now, you see, that was sarcasm.

But, as I’ve mentioned, I’ve come to realise that it’s okay for things to suddenly come crashing into your life without any warning whatsoever, messing absolutely everything up. It’s exactly what happened to me, and on multiple occasions since my diagnosis; however, the past few months is when I realised that there were also so many things that helped make me feel better than just ‘okay.’

That’s where I’ll repeat my previous statement from up above—I’m happy.

But recently, I’ve been writing and wanting to become an author—precisely, a novelist. It turns out, this whole time I’ve spent feeling sorry for myself, I found out that I have a talent for writing. I’ve taken courses in creative writing and have a professional certificate for it.

Would you look at that? Even when I’m not able to leave the house at times, I still found ways to try and be successful.

Now, you also might be wondering what’s up with this name. Insight + Delight?

I mean, how many of you know what epilepsy’s actually about? My guess is that not many of you raised your hand. Well, with the future posts, that arm will raise an inch each time.

My goal and purpose in starting this blog is to try and be an inspiration to others, and hopefully, I’ll be able to succeed. I want to be the person who I was looking for when I didn’t have anyone and be a helping hand to support others who have epilepsy. Who knows, maybe even at the same time, I'll give some insight into what it’s like for those who don't.

Catch my drift?

There’s so much more about epilepsy that not many people know about it because they don't know someone who is epileptic. Or maybe, you recently found out someone is diagnosed with it. So, my plan is to give you some of the ins and outs, the highs and the lows, all based on my experience. Feel free to stick around if you’re up for that, and maybe one day, you can be that someone for someone else. The posts might not all be about the disorder, because it’s also not what life’s all about. You’ll see. I mean, it’s just filled with pure delight.

Ain’t that the truth?

As for my entire epilepsy story, from the very start, and what happened after first being diagnosed, I’ll leave that for a whole post on its own. You might need a nice cup of coffee or tea while you read that one. Maybe even some snacks.

And honestly, for the first time, I’m completely, utterly, and beyond thrilled to share it soon.

Suzanne’s Epilepsy Journey and More Coming to a blog post near you.

P.S. This has been reposted since October 2020, and information has been updated.

[magicboobiess]

Excommunicado

So if you're anything like me and you've seen the John wick movies. Which are so so goood btw. I don't care what anyone says I love me a good action pew, pew movie. Sometimes seeing some on screen violence play out in the most bad ass way possible can be so rewarding and fulfilling. Also spoiler alert coming up, but not really though since this word also has roots in the Catholic church. Then you probably know what being Excommunicado means or entails. To briefly explain however, basically the Main character John wick is an assassin that's part of this order of assassin's that have a code they all abide by. Which can be summarized by a quote from the movie. "Rules. Without them, we live with the animals."

So basically Mr. Wick breaks one of the rules of the order and as such he is Excommunicado. Which basically means, When an individual is Excommunicado, they lose all access to Continental services, including protection from other Continental members. Which to sum up basically means they are given the cold shoulder by all the group members and abandoned to their own devices never allowed to return and everyone has to stop associating with them at the risk of death, or being given excommunicado status as well. Where am I going with all of this? Well recently I met up with a homie that I hadn't seen in so long.

Side tangent, I tend to this thing where I lose contact with people I know for about 2-6 months at a time. Give or take depending on what I have going on in my own life. So whenever I come back to catch up or see how people are doing it's as if I've entered a time skip and missed 3 seasons worth of developments. Which never ceases to surprise me.

So when I met up again with this homie, I recently came to find out he had been Excommunicado from a friend group that I would associate with every now and then. Not going to lie however he was looking rough and I could definitely tell how much it was affecting the guy. Did I feel bad for him? Yeah, I did, he really did love his friends in that group and he had gone on so many adventures and done so many things with them. So to hear he was dropped by them made me feel for him.

I felt for him because getting to know people is already hard enough as it is, but losing people that are super close to you overnight is even worse. He'd showed me the messages the other friends had sent him and they were basically all in the manner of "never speak to me again why would you do this?" Does he deserve sympathy? I say yes, only however as an outsider peering in though. I honestly only have he said, she said, statements to go off of. But I'm a firm believer of taking people as they are and only judging them based on what they have done to ME personally. If I myself have not been slighted by the person then I have no reason to join in the mob mentality of shunning someone and turning my back on them.

For those curious of the "crime" he committed, here's the tea I suppose. Basically he and his best friend both liked this one girl. The girl was fooling around with his friend, and they were exclusive according to what I hear. So basically what he did is he went around and started messing around with the same girl his best friend was seeing. I suppose it started weighing on him or something since I heard that he came clean to his bestie about what he had done. At which point the bestie, after hearing this wanted nothing to do with him anymore and told him that they were better off going their separate ways. What happened afterwards is that all the other friends in the group heard of this and agreed that they wouldn't talk to him or hang out with him anymore. Hence he became excommunicado.

This is why I think I've never really been a fan of having large friend groups. Not because I'm scared of having multiple friends or anything all at once. More so, one day it's all rainbows and sunshine and the next all doors have been closed to you. I will say however as I myself am not a fan of drama, I think this is the moment where I'll disappear again for about 2-6 months and then pop back in after the time skip. It's not that I don't care about the guy, or that I want to look good in the eyes of said friend group. I simply abhor the Idea of having to take sides. It's not for me and It's always so mentally frustrating and exhausting.

I hope they all can come to terms with each other and settle their differences. We shall see. All I have to say though is much love to them all. One thing about me is, if you make me chose sides I'll just drop both.

Much love MagicB00biess XOXO

[still-day]

I have felt called to write since I was in fifth grade. In eighth grade I wrote a third of a book, more than a hundred pages of amateurish fiction, and then somehow my dad's computer basically melted internally and I lost it all. In high school I wrote poetry (being honest, though, who doesn't?) and then some things happened, which maybe I will share at some point if I'm ever brave enough, and I stopped writing anything at all.

In my journey towards living as my authentic self, the call to write came back full force. I signed up for this blog, and I wrote a bunch of posts. Or, well, I wrote a post, and then I thought "I don't know, this doesn't seem right" and I saved it as a draft. It felt like I was writing what I thought that other people would think that I should write, if you know what I mean. It felt silly. There were references to MarioKart.

Then, I spent a week thinking "what is it that I want to share with the world?" I had an idea and I wrote another post. That one was too much, though. Like, a fiction, but it wasn't a fiction. A story about myself, but packaged as though it was fantasy. It made me uncomfortable, like telling a lie, so I saved it as a draft.

Then I spent two weeks thinking, and then a week writing. This time, I told the truth, the real truth, about me and who I am and where I came from. It started with third grade, when I would tell curious adults that I wanted to grow up to be a Saint. It started with the time I watched a video about Saint Bernadette at school, and came to the conclusion that one of the steps toward Sainthood was eating grass. But that's about the time when things got dark, in my life. Or at least the part of the darkness I remember. A sick, sick feeling in my stomach told me "If you tell your story, your real story, and the people who are a part of that story somehow see this blog, well... some of them are going to be very very upset." The idea of that, I guess I won't lie, scares me so much it makes me nauseous. So, I saved it as a draft.

There is a story I've been "writing" in my head for a long time. Whenever I have trouble falling asleep, I write the story. It's about another world, and a boy who will end up saving it, even though he doesn't know that yet. It's about his best friend and the people he meets along the way: Nan and The Mother and Tyrus and Ellie (who, believe it or not, he does not fall in love with). It's about new skills and introspection and the battle of light versus dark, but not exactly the same way that dichotomy is usually portrayed. In summary, it's about the Hero's Journey, which every good book tends to be about in one way or another.

I figured I could write that, instead. No one will get mad at me for the things I will say in a fantasy story, at least I hope not. However, that's not what I want to share. That doesn't feel right in my soul, or my heart, or my spirit, or whatever you want to call it. I enjoy it, and if I'm being honest I'm a bit proud of it, but that's not what I feel pulled to put out into the world. At least, not right now.

I've lived a life, as we all have, of course. A life with a lot of struggles, a lot of hard work, and a lot of lessons. I don't think my life, or my struggles or work, or the lessons that I learned are special, and that's exactly why I want to share them. There are many people with the same struggles, going through the same work, the ups and the downs, the wondering if you'll ever reach a point at which you can genuinely say that you're ok. I don't think what I would share is unique, but maybe I hope that sharing it will add something to the world. For someone. I hope.

Having made that decision, I ran into another big problem. I waited, and waited, and thought, and ruminated, and procrastinated, and wondered, and never wrote. I felt like I have to reach some kind of finish line, some kind of aha! moment, because otherwise why would what I share mean anything to anyone but me? There are more self-help books out there than there are stars in the sky, or so it seems, and all of them (or at least most of them) have an ending. A conclusion. A "I am sharing these things so that you can do these steps and be in the better place that I'm at now" kind of intention.

But when will I get there? What if I never do? Does that mean that I can never write? That I can never share? Do I need some kind of denouement, some kind of epic battle, some kind of resolution? Does this odd sort of feeling, this strange call to write and to share, require an "And they lived happily ever after. The end."?

I guess, what I've finally decided, is that I don't think so. Or, rather, I hope it doesn't. I want to share about the messy middle, as Glennon Doyle would say. I want to share about those days where I think I have it all figured out, where my vision seems clearer, both literally and figuratively. Where I feel that I am moving toward a goal, toward a place of contentment and worthiness. And I want to share about those days where it feels like all this work, all this struggle, all this hope that any of this is worth anything at all, seems meaningless. I want to share about the nights where I wonder "what the fuck am I even doing? Who am I to think I'll ever be worth anything at all? Why can't I just give up? Why can't I just lay down, just quit trying, just die the slow death of capitalistic ritual and dissociation?" I feel called to share the feelings, the thoughts, and the process. Because, whatever anyone wants to say, growth is always a process. It's not linear, it's not a step-by-step, it's not a prescription that you take every day and suddenly everything is better.

I guess I'll have to get over the fear of people seeing this. I don't expect anyone to read it at all, to be honest, but I am very very scared that they will. It's on the internet, after all. And just in case someone does, and just in case someone who is a part of my story reads it, I guess I'll have to get over the fact that they won't always like the way I tell it. It's my story, and I am telling it as honestly as I am able to do so I shouldn't be afraid (I tell myself), but the fear is visceral. And I guess that's part of the process, too. I guess maybe I'll just write, I'll just write the things I feel called to write. And I'll just hope, and I'll just be as strong as I can be, and I'll cross whatever bridge needs crossing if and when I get to it. I guess.

So, here I am. This is me. This is the beginning, which I am beginning in the middle. I hope there is something here someday, for someone, but maybe I'll just be writing for no one, or maybe I'll just be writing for me, and that's ok, too.

This is me, I guess, today. Tomorrow, we'll see what comes. But right now, here I am.

It's nice to meet you.

[xtinyslip]

"FOLLOWING OUR HEARTS…" she nodded, "i like the sound of that." not that many people out there believed that she had one but, that was no longer her problem. that was on them, and if they were willing to believe such bullshit ; then, they didn't get to be a part of her life. sam moved forward, realising that even the small distance between them felt like too much now. "late night shopping in bed. does that work?" smiling, not particularly wanting to leave his side either. not if she could help it. "i was thinking house plants would be a good trial, to see if we can be trusted with a living creature." she teased, almost feel lighter than she had done in a long time as she nudged him gently with her nose. "you really want to get a dog?" she chuckled. it just seemed so… normal that it almost didn't feel like something she'd ever really be able to go out and just do. "as long as it's big so if something were to happen? it could protect itself." awful that her mind went there? well, it did and she couldn't help that. when he mentioned a guilty conscience, she couldn't help but glance down too. not even realising that he had done it at the exact same time. it was lingering there, and she wanted to but she also knew how easy it was to scare people away. "… i did something. i think you should know." because she hadn't told a single soul about the fact that billy knew his relation to her now. if they were really going to do this, she didn't want to start with such an important secret between them. "it's basically guaranteed that practically everyone else out there is waiting to give you a hard time." speaking generally, meaning that's what people liked to do. "so you don't need to be so hard on yourself. okay?" she didn't want that for him. she didn't particularly want that for anyone. well, maybe there was one person. "is she with him now? her dad?" curious, hoping that wherever this girl was that she actually stood a chance to get through whatever this was. that she would survive and not just for john but mainly for herself. feeling the hands around her waist, she couldn't help but grin too, pressing her chest against his. of course, when he didn't reject the kisses to his cheek, it did make her feel bold. "tell me when you want me to stop," she whispered, the kisses she was placing on his cheek were gentle, just pecks but they were getting closer to his mouth slowly. "SAFE," was that possible? well, they were going to try. her eyes met his, subconsciously still searching for a lie in there. her mind and body's way of protecting her. not that there seemed to be one to find. "then i couldn't be more glad that we're doing it." @fcrafcrtnight

"I... I THINK THAT I'M SURE. I'VE SPENT ENOUGH TIME LISTENING TO MY OWN HEAD. TO MY OWN DEMONS. I DON'T.. I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT ANYMORE. I WANT TO FOLLOW MY HEART AND... SEE WHERE IT MAY LEAD ME?" was that the case? right now, john's eyes were shining as he looked over at her and.. yes, he knew that he did. this was the first time that he hadn't felt as if he were trapped in a place that he didn't want to be in and.. where he felt as if he could breath. that was new, wasn't it? yes, it was and.. john didn't want to lose that anytime soon. not ever, if he could. "MATCHING BADGE AND JACKET. GOT IT. WILL GET STARTED ON THAT." nodding a little bit. not right now, no, because he wanted to remain precisely where he was and he wanted to not leave her side anytime soon. right? "house plants? oh, my. what's going to be next? a cat? i'm willing to try if you are? ALTHOUGH I THINK THAT I MAY BE MORE OF A DOG PERSON?" that was the thing. most of his life seemed to be miserable at the moment and he knew that what he had done had been.. despicable. right now, though? he felt as if he was allowed to start over and he felt as if he was going to get a second chance and that was a GOOD thing, wasn't it? he felt as if he was a different person and.. whoever it was that he was now? that was what he wanted to remain as. right? yes. "me too. it's what they say.. a guilty conscience really messes you up. sleeping hasn't been.. good for me as of late," glancing down again and right now, he knew what he wanted to do. was he going to be brave enough to do it? HE DIDN'T THINK SO. NO, BUT.. MAYBE, HE WAS WRONG. "you think so? maybe i've not been giving myself enough credit as of late?" grinning playfully, because.. yes, maybe that was the case. maybe, he hadn't been giving himself enough credit and maybe that was the problem and right now, he knew why that was why. why he still "maybe... maybe i am, but.. i feel like i've wronged her more than anything. i never wanted her to be in pain because of me. that was the last thing i ever wanted. AND HER DAD.. HE WAS MY BEST FRIEND. NOW, HE HATES MY GUTS." he found himself grinning - actually grinning - as she placed another kiss to his cheek and without thinking, he found himself wrapping his arms around her waist, pulling her closer to him. this? this was the first time he had felt seen in a VERY long time. "SAFE," repeating it, as he nodded a little bit. when was the last time he had felt like that? right now, it was the first time that he had in a long time. "i wouldn't. i think that.. this?" placing a hand against her cheek. "is the first thing that i don't regret in a LONG TIME. AND THAT I WILL NEVER." @xtinyslip

[deadrlngers]

— OCS AND TRAGIC HORROR TROPES.

i was tagged by @florbelles @henrytlney @denerims @jillvalcntines @devilbrakers @indorilnerevarine @swordcoasts @nuclearstorms to take this quiz for my ocs, thank you all soso much!!!

tagging: i'm pretty sure this made the rounds already jsfkjfkd so i'm not directly tagging anyone but if you see this and want to give it a shot just say i tagged you!! <3

THE FINAL GIRL

the final girl comes out the other end of trauma alive- or, they were supposed to. honestly, you're not so sure you're really alive anymore. you saw the same hurt take those you were closest to while everyone paraded your bruises as bravery, as strength, as if you're the hero. and it hurts. you're tired and you don't want to have to be brave anymore. whatever you went through, it changed so much of who you were that you're still getting used to the person you see in the mirror. you didn't have a say in any of it, but you're here now, and that's gotta count for something. you'll make it count for something. but first, you need to let yourself find rest.

FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER

this plight is the simplest of them all: you did not ask for this. you were never given a choice. no part of yourself feels human, just a collection of traits you've picked up from mirroring anyone you could, even the people you meet through a television screen. it's alienating to live that way- yet someone has called you the alienating one. maybe too many people to count. maybe they treated you so uncomfortably inhuman that it's all you can understand now, or you've dug yourself into such a deep hole in an attempt to keep safe that you can't remember a person living in the home of your body at all. being alive is confusing and painful and lonely and loud but living is all there is to being human- you're already there. just take air into your lungs and breathe. close your eyes and picture a beautiful sky. you made that. you painted that yourself.

THE VAMPIRE

it is the loneliest day of a vampire's life, the first time they look into a mirror and see their reflection missing. drinking blood sucks too, don't get me wrong, but as a vampire you had to learn to hide from the sunlight, from your family, all your friends, because you were unavoidably different now and you didn't know how to explain that to them in a way they would understand. you could get stranger's blood in bursts, but what is life when you can't know someone for longer than the night lasts? you left everything behind because it was easier than trying to tell them. i just hope you know you're not the only vampire out there, and that there exist people who will understand your situation without a word. they'll sit with you in the dark for as long as you'll need them to.

[vergess]

Hello there! I apologize for the late hour, but I was just wondering if you have any headcanons or speculations about Besk, the twins' deceased mother from I Was A Teenage Exocolonist. I already heard back from @exocolonistfeelings and @arionwind , but I thought a third opinion would be good for my curious brain 😅

Oh, you never need to apologize for sending me asks about my Favourite Subjects, don't worry! Unfortunately, I had already gone to bed by the time this arrived D:

So, before we begin, this post will have spoilers for:

MAJOR: Robotics job storyline.

MAJOR: Dys and Tang friendships (duh)

MAJOR: Delusions run/achievement

MAJOR: Barista job storyline.

Marz friendship (minor)

Doctor job (minor)

Prolific parenting ending (minor)

Life on Earth achievement (minor)

It will discuss the following stressful subjects:

Suicide

PTSD

Depression

Psychiatric abuse

Child abuse

Substance abuse (alcohol, psychiatric medication)

Cult indoctrination and abuse

Human extinction

And finally, Besq has a character profile in the game data, but it's never used. The profile informs us that she:

Was named Arabesque;

Was female;

Died at age 32;

Was born in Early Quiet;

Was ~12 years younger than Instance, ~7 years younger than your parents, and the same age as Anne, Tirah, Al and Bernie.

Combined with details from the Twins, Marz and Instance, we can develop a very complete timeline of her life.

And it's nasty.

But let's start a little lighter.

Like Ari, I am a definite "Arabesque And Instance Truther." For a while, I honestly considered that Instance might have been the other genetic donor for the twins. Tangent's resemblance to her is particularly noticeable.

So, I figured they were besties, and maybe exes, but in that way you get with queers where no one is sure if they dated or not even though they definitely both lived together for a while and had sex.

Until I started plowing through all the endings, I was under the impression that when Tangent talked about bonding during her transition it was because Instance is also trans. That seems not to be the case (if you become a geneticist or a doctor or something, you develop a more perfected transition technology and it's used specifically for Utopia and Tangent, but not Instance or Vace).

So I was honestly under the matching impression that when Arabesque needed a genetic donor for her Depression Baby, she went to her "Friend" rather than going to the genetic banks, possibly because she knew she would not pass any meaningful examinations. Medicins aren't good at it, but they are trained to look specifically for depression in mothers. With the entire colony hinging on reproduction as aggressively as it does, I truly thought she would have been caught by even the most basic screening.

Of course, as a psych herself, she could easily just lie about everything and get a donor sample.

And that seems to have been the case because of 2 things.

1) Tangent implies she checked her genome against Instance's at one point around year 14 and found no significant commonalities suggesting relationship.

2) If you do Prolific Parent after picking menstruation/breast growth in adolescence (and maybe also null?) and have a female partner, you help the colony develop XX-to-XX fertilization so you can go around knocking up other people too. (Again: 40 children!!! You must be stopped!! Literally! The colony has to stop you from having more children!!).

So, if Instance is indeed cis, the tech wouldn't have existed yet for her to be the other donor.

At this point, I now believe Tangent looks like Instance because she was going to come out looking in some way undesirable to Besq. Was Tangent going to look like her genetic dad? Like Besq's ex? Like Besq herself? (I suspect it may be the latter)

Whatever the case, it seems Besq went full Designer Baby on that shit, and used her Bestie 'Tans as a model.

Bestie, exes, singular point of psychological support in perhaps the most horrific possible torture chamber.

~*~Just Girly Things~*~

As Ari mentioned, it was wildly irresponsible for the cult to designate one singular person as the entire emotional support system for hundreds of people living in a heretofore unknown and unknowable stressor, knowing that they might kill their entire families in the process, thereby rendering their entire movement extinct, and possibly the entire human race if the Earth ending is to be believed.

Really sit on that. Think about the horror that the adults, capable of understanding what they are and what they're doing, are going through every single day.

And every single one of them relied exclusively on a single woman to process that trauma, even as she had to process her own trauma without anyone to trust.

And even then, even then, she lives years on the strato. She survives over a decade of a kind of psychological torture that I cannot even begin to understand.

Now brace yourself, because it's time to payoff on that timeline comment.

Arabesque was 16 when she boarded the Strato as their designated trauma therapist.

She spent her entire adult life in hell.

The twins are 1 year younger than Sol. Besq is mentioned in Marz's high friendship event as being alive, but already heavily drinking, when the twins are turning 5. She dies shortly afterwards.

For the twins to be turning 5, the ship has to have been traveling for just under 16 years. She dies on or around her 32nd birthday. Only four years out from the wormhole.

Unironically and without reserve, Arabesque's inconceivable resilience is responsible for the survival of the human race. Without her there to soak trauma up like a sponge for 16 years of isolation, there is 0 chance that everyone else on the Strato would have had the emotional competence and resilience themselves to make it to Vertumna, let alone establish a colony.

And I don't give the cult any benefit of the doubt in this one, by the way. Modern therapy is great, but it's not the only system for developing emotionally resilient groups. It's specifically terrible for small groups that live together.

This is something that anyone trying to create a planned community of any kind should know on day one. It's unbelievably irresponsible to do what they did.

They didn't need a therapist; they needed social hobbies. They needed a knitting circle, a sewing circle, a banjo band, a bonsai club, three mutually exclusive tabletop rpg groups, a teach-what-you-know art class, a choir, a peer-support therapy and study group, and a dozen other small-group hobbies to foster strongly interconnected emotional group bonds.

That or they needed a religious system. Those are basically the two options. But honestly the cult is alarming enough as it is, so hobbies!!

They did NOT need to make a child bear that burden, and certainly not by herself.

What the Strato needed, and the cult should have provided, is what their children got. A wide variety of small activities that contribute to the overall longevity of the colony while building friendships.

And we only got it because Besq lived long enough for everyone else to survive, and then died spectacularly.

Because of her death.

The severe shock of finding that she hung hung herself in her office, between appointments, completely breaks the "therapeutic" strategy the cult imposed on the colony. Unlike every other job with a possible death in the game, Besq is never replaced.

It takes 20 years and a complete restructuring of the social system of the colony before it's even possible for another therapist to emerge, and only rarely!

Meanwhile, even Congruence struggles under the weight of managing the automated therapy protocols when Besq dies. It's mentioned frequently in certain playstyles that Congruence's therapy is fine for what it is, but it doesn't work nearly as well as a real, trained therapist. Vace describes it as confusing and monotonous. Sol simply describes it as "not as good."

It's a mostly automated system. The handful of excerpts we get from it suggest a very basic CBT regimen. That makes sense, since CBT's non-holistic approach makes it especially easy to self administer. However, it also severely limits the kinds of problem CBT can treat.

And even still, Congruence almost dies the same way Besq did. Only, if Congruence goes, so does the rest of the colony.

That's the end of the Robotics storyline.

After a shockingly similar ~16 years, the strain of mental health for the entire colony, combined with constant trauma, breaks Congruence. An AI many hundreds of thousands of times faster than a human, who regulates everything in the colony, who was designed to self-repair for millennia.

Congruence is the human equivalent of the Overseer, and she lasted exactly as long as Besq did under that strain, while doing significantly worse than Besq did.

Speaking of CBT's inherent limitations: Tangent seems to favour the Psychodynamic approach if she becomes a therapist.

However, Tangent's psychodynamism stands out specifically because of her willingness to use medical and technological intervention alongside it. This is relatively uncommon in our world, if only because psychology (therapy) and psychiatry (medication) are two different fields with totally different demands and licensures.

But even in cases when a psychologist and a psychiatrist share a practice and work together, the ease and readiness with which Tangent approaches those additional interventions is fascinating.

It suggests to me that Besq was likely also a psychodynamist, but a non-medical one.

This is also fun, because it plays well with the theme of reuniting the twins. Instance says outright that Tangent takes after her, while Dys takes after Besq. (Instance saying this is a large part of why I think they were exes rather than unresolved, because it seems like a sort of 'history repeats itself' statement, since it's specifically in the context of 'why Dys and Tangent can't love each other.')

TI is only when Tangent combines the dynamic, holistic approach of Dys (and psychotherapy) and with the the rigid, numerical approach of Instance (and psychiatry), that Tangent overcomes the hurdles her mother failed.

Tangent's happiest lives come from reuniting with emotionality, trauma, and soft skills through Dys, and through the echo of their mother Besq.

Her happiest lives come when she surpasses the horror she inherited when her mother's all-too-human strength finally failed.

And I think that's part of why Tangent is often so... accepting of her early death (she never lives past 60). And why even in the best endings, she doesn't have children of her own, though she donates genetics to a few.

She achieves her goals simply by surviving her trauma instead of being consumed by it. Her legacy is the health and happiness of humanity as a species, not herself or her bloodline. She's very much the mirror image of Dys and the Gardeners, in that way.

There is one other kind of mental health intervention in the colony without Tangent, though. If Congruence's workbook therapy doesn't help, then there's Instance's meds.

When Arabesque dies, Instance devotes herself wholeheartedly to creating self-regulating psychiatric drug implants. In the Barista job ending, Tangent talks about how she and Instance have perfected the technology and Tangent uses it herself to manage her depression, anxiety and paranoid delusions.

If you do a Delusions run, you get a few more tantalizing hints about that.

After Besq's death, the entire colony develops a SEVERE stigma around mental illness.

When Sol presents with delusions (which CBT is especially bad at handling), no modern therapies are attempted. What happens instead is a horrific combination of futuristic medicine and medieval psychology.

Instance begins with bed rest.

That doesn't work. It wouldn't work even on bog standard psychosis. In the fashion of "The Yellow Wallpaper", being put on bedrest runs the risk of making Sol worse.

If Sol continues to express delusions, Instance moves on to heavy antipsychotics. Because the implant is not yet ready, Sol can fake taking these meds.

But it doesn't matter if you do. You'll eventually be caught, and forcibly medicated in a way you "can't avoid." This is never specified, but is specifically not an invasive procedure.

The antipsychotics cause a horrible reaction, whther voluntary or forced. You become almost catatonic, and are trapped in a permanent hallucinatory dream state with your various lives overlapping in your hearing and sight.

So, Instance, your parents (if alive), and the colony council decide to perform an experimental cyberpunk lobotomy on you. This is suggested to be either a prototype or early version of the implant, as it involves invasive surgery, a long recovery time, the suppression of neurochemicals, and massive personality changes.

When I say there's stigma, I am not fucking around. That's their response to nonviolent, nonthreatening delusions in a child.

And as a natural consequence of this absurd behaviour around modern psychology, the colonists avoid anything and everything that looks even vaguely like modern therapy, with the exception of Congruence's AI CBT.

However, because of Besq's tireless work, the colonists are also generally psychologically healthy enough the "inferior" AI therapy is sufficient.

That means the colonists are healthy enough to more or less self-regulate. Combined with the close quarters and heavy labour demands, a system naturally emerges that prioritizes social-bonding through shared hobbies and work.

I don't think Besq killed herself with that in mind. I can't imagine she planned it that way. I think by the time she got pregnant, it was already much too late for her to have any hope of survival.

But the fact remains: Besq set the colony up to survive, in the most horrific way possible. Tangent's obsession with killing herself so that the colony can survive is very much inherited.

Oh also! I'm pretty sure she named Dys that because he (as the "planned" pregnancy) was her Depression Baby.

There's this thing people do, sometimes, when they're extremely depressed, where they have a kid and obsess over it, because as long as the kid is alive and loves them, then they have a reason to live, etc etc. It's really a horrific pattern, because if the parent(s) don't get help for their psychological issues, it almost always leads to all kinds of child abuse.

It can overlap with post-partum depression, too, which just makes it worse, feeding in to the sense that the only value in your life is your children, or vice versa.

As a psychiatrist and psychologist herself, Besq would have been aware of that. I think on some level she knew she was setting herself and her children up for torment. But it was that or just give up and die already.

I very much believe she had Dys specifically as a way to manage her own dysthymia (major depression) long enough to eke out a bit more survival.

I think her peculiar behaviour towards her children also reflects that. The few times we hear about her aside from Instance, Besq is consistently both drunk and doting. If you've ever read Homestuck, Besq has a very Mom Lalonde energy of desperately trying while utterly failing in no small part due to her substance abuse.

And given that the only other people her age she meets for the rest of her entire life are:

Aunt Anne, the All-Mother

Tirah et al, the most distressingly well adjusted polycule on or off earth

Al and Bernie, the literal fucking dictionary definition of picket fence monogamy

All of whom have kids aready or are just starting to have children (remember, Dys and Tang are the youngest in the group). All of whom are happier and better adjusted than you. In spite of the fact that you were the one doing the adjustments.

With all that, a depression baby starts to sound like a very appealing last ditch effort. After all, as long as she's careful not to hurt the kid herself, then when she does give up and die, at least she knows the creche will keep them safe. And Anne is so happy, so loving.

All Besq needs to do is stay drunk enough not to hurt herself, sober enough not to hurt them, until she's finally done. From the perspective of someone who went through what she did, it must have seemed like a kindness.

Given them a bunch of happy memories of her when they're too young to understand why she reeks of illicit alcohol and doesn't spend time with any adults. Then, when she's too tired to continue, just off herself so she can't hurt them with her self destruction, and let Anne and the creche clean up the mess.

When you're far enough down in the depression, that logic checks out. The idea that your absence could be worse than your presence is unfathomable.

Also, since Besk's birthday is immediately after Dys and Tang's, I have to assume the reason Dys is so weird about birthdays is that Besk made sure to live just long enough for their 5th birthday (the photo Marz has), and then killed herself on or immediately before her own.

That, uh... that would for sure give your kids a weird complex about birthdays, to the degree that your son hates people more if they give him cake, and your daughter refuses to eat any sweets at all.

So yeah, that's about that.

I suppose I should mention her Ex from Earth, the one that comes up in her suicide note. But honestly? She was 16 when she left. I'm not exactly shocked that she idealizes some boy she left back home. Even without the trauma of everything else that happened in her life immediately after leaving him and which never ever ended which would necessarily conflate his existence with the last time she felt joy?

It's not that weird for a 16 year old to have a strong crush, and then wax nostalgic about it as an adult. I mean, most people are willing to make a bit of fun at themselves for how silly and obsessed they were as a teen riding high on that first rush of "oh my god I have sex/romance/whatever feelings now."

It's just that, unlike most people?

When Arabesque says 16 was the best her life ever got, she's right.

[moonmoonthecrabking]

another rtc eurovision post (i'm so sorry for my brainrot y'all) with me associating a song for each character

fair warning, this is *LONG*, so i'd suggest scrolling past if you don't really like long posts :)

i don't think that anyone pre-canon would've watched it but, you know, post-canon everyone lives au, afterlife, take your pick either works!!!

mischa: as previously stated, stefania by kalush orchestra (ukraine 2022) is his top of all time. wikipedia describes its genre as "alternative hip hop and folk" which is basically this song is awesome/talia. it being a tribute to the frontman's mother also deeply resonates with him, missing his own mother. other favourites include soldi (italy 2019), dark side (finland 2021), lie to me (czech republic 2018) and kuula (estonia 2012) because... in addition he loves everything ukraine's sent (aside from 2012. imagine being able to have pride and audience support for practically every entry from your country). he just finds so much enjoyment and nostalgia in it (ie me projecting onto my fave). he was so surprised when noel knew about it and that he had a buddy in this uranium hellhole to chat about it. has a crush on alexander rybak (norway 2009) and chanel (spain 2022). he still does not realise he is bisexual. he starts a betting pool with the choir for each new contest (and all the ones only he and noel have seen. the two get sad at first that they can't participate with those ones, but then decide to fuck with them)

noel: his winner of 2022 was in corpore sano (serbia) for The Drama and The Art, but he also supported fulenn because france (the man was so disappointed when they got second last). his all time favourite is l'enfer et moi (france 2013), because frenchwoman singing about how she would make her ex's life hell meant that he could graft on his dreams to that. because he's canadian i don't think he grew up with it like mischa, i think that he went down a youtube rabbithole when the march he turned 14 somehow or other and fell in love. he loves all the songs like n'oubliez pas (france 2015), voila (france 2019), tout l'univers (switzerland 2019), and bonds with mischa over zitti e buoni (italy 2021 who am i kidding everyone knows måneskin, thanks to @curious-georg for that idea!!!). sometimes he puts on playlists of the earlier competitions while he's studying to imagine a morning in france. has a crush on half the male entrants.

i haven't thought through how the rest of the choir gets exposed to it because it's pretty much a "after canon once they're friends, wherever they are, au or not i don't know". but basically i have a feeling that one time on movie night it's mischa's turn and he brings along the 2021 contest (because it's one of the best of the most recent and the hosts are so good) and noel goes BATSHIT and everyone else is just like "hey... what?? this is four hours long" and then it starts and they end up really enjoying it, with them going through all the contests (sometimes on mischa's night, sometimes on noel's, a couple for constance's too) and watching them live (because i said so)

ricky: they love the entries that are just a lil quirky. a lil different. their favourite from 2022 was eat your salad (latvia), mainly because the audience *screamed* out "PUSSY" to fight the censors (eurovision is a family friendly competition). the peak songs for them were at the start of semi 1 and then it all went downhill from there. and their goat? space (montenegro 2017). if you haven't seen that video, bestie, you should. they really do watch it for the memes, epic sax guy (run away aka moldova 2010), anti-crisis girl (ukraine 2009), "but in the end, they didn't" (the 2019 host talking to that year's cypriot contestant about cyprus coming in second in 2018).

constance: her 2022 winners were not the same (australia) and i am what i am (malta) because she loves the expression of the internal self and hearing peoples' emotions through the melodies. her all time favourites are monsters (finland 2018) and cry no more (netherlands 2017) because of how both are personal, one is upbeat in its self-empowerment, while the other is about familial love and support. she relates to and desires both. otherwise, anything with a gay kiss. she screamed at the full-on makeout session that occurred during this time (lithuania 2015). and marry me (finland 2013) made her VERY happy for that kiss at the end. even then, it takes her a while to realise she is Not Straight.

ocean: her 2022 winner was hold me closer (sweden), then river (poland) because it genuinely moved her, then die together (greece). she hates I.M (israel) with a burning passion, and everyone except her sees the irony in that. from other years she loves last dance (greece 2021), only teardrops (denmark 2013), popular (sweden 2011), lipstick (ireland 2011) and euphoria (sweden 2012). she has a spreadsheet ranking her placements for each year they watch, as well as the rest of the choir, and uses that to predict the results of the betting pool mischa started. sweden and greece are in her top five every year. she put if i were sorry as her first place when they were watching the 2016 edition and mischa refuses to talk to her for the rest of the night (this one actually isn't me projecting i just think it'd be funny).

penny/jane: because this idea isn't super-solidified, and her character isn't either, it's hard to know. i think that she's a menace and loves the voice cracks and mistakes (i feel bad if i direct people to certain entries for that!!! but if you know, you Know). the best guess i have is that her favourite 2022 entry is miss you (belgium) because of the religious allegory and shifting genres (like in the ballad of jane doe), but i will take suggestions!!

this was a really long post, thanks for sticking around if you got this far!

[ginanosakka]

You’re Wrong

Masterlist

The Scars You Hide | Next

You tried to focus on the words of the textbook in front of you, but after an hour of studying, it was becoming hard to care about what stops you from flying out of a car when you turn and how to create a math equation out of it. It didn’t help that it was late in the night that you finally found time to study, your mother dragging you out on a shopping spree where you were forced to smile and nod at whatever she wanted you to wear.

‘I don’t understand why everyone likes shopping so much,’ your thoughts ran off as you looked at the new clothes that laid in the bags sprawled across the floor for your maid, Jun, to put up while you were at school tomorrow morning.

When your phone dinged you jumped at the sound, but before you could even check what the message was and who sent it, something hard smacked against your window. With your unchecked phone in hand, you crept towards the window, cursing your parents for giving you the room on the first floor of your enormous home. Pulling the curtains gently as if whatever had come knocking wouldn’t notice you, you peeked outside and immediately let out a breath of relief.

“What are you doing here?” You whispered after throwing your window open and pushing your curtains to the side.

Katsuki stood outside your home, wearing a hoodie and sweatpants paired with those combat boots he seemed to love more than life. He looked nuts, and maybe he was if he decided to jump your gate and throw things at your window, but the look on his face told you that this wasn’t a time to give him shit on his matching skills.

“Just let me in, dork.” He grunted, and you complied silently by stepping to the side.

That was the first night of many nights when Katsuki couldn’t bare to be alone with his thoughts and came to you to fill in the silence with nonsense. He’d let you complain about your mother, your father, and your maid with only short responses and noises of acknowledgment. When he’d finally jump back out your window at an absurd time, something you worried about since Mina told you how he had a set bedtime for himself, you’d lay in bed with your heart full until you could finally sleep.

Maybe it was how much you talked and complained about your superficial problems. . maybe that’s why everyone hated you.

“You have to talk to her!” Mina huffed, tailing behind Katsuki on his patrol, both of them on duty protecting the city.

Obviously, Mina was more worried about rekindling a fire that was never truthfully lit than stopping a mugger.

Katsuki was doing his best not to shout at her, after the restaurant incident, he’d been forced to do damage control on his image. The reports wasted no time making a story out of it, calling him a temperamental monster for yelling at you. When he watched the video back on a popular tabloid site, Katsuki couldn’t help but agree as he saw the look in your eyes. Still, that was probably nothing to how you looked when he walked away all those years ago, but it’s not like he looked back then.

All it took was meeting you again for you to start taking over his life again, not only conquering his media image in hours, but also his mind with all the hypotheticals. It was hard for Katsuki to see himself as a father, but he’d been one for six years without even knowing. He wondered what your son looked like now and how he acted. Did he have a short temper? Does he even have a quirk?

That was another thing that bothered him; the fact that he didn’t feel any emotions about whether or not his child was quirkless. His whole life he saw people without quirks as weak — he couldn’t count the times he mentioned you being quirkless, let alone Deku — but it was like he couldn’t draw any anger or disappointment at the thought of his son being perfectly average. After looking at that picture, all he wanted to do was get to know his own flesh and blood, and he was still pissed that you took that away from him.

“I don’t want to talk to her and I never will. I’ll take her to court to get my kid if I have to, but I want nothing to do with some spoiled princess.” Katsuki spat, and Mina was beginning to get fed up with how he refused to listen.

She snatched him by the arm, forcing him to turn around and look at her. Even now Katsuki’s glares still sent a shiver down her spine, but she was much more frustrated than scared right now. His red eyes went against her black and yellow ones, neither of them being acknowledged by bystanders who moved around them on the assumption that this was just two heroes discussing something they had no business listening to. That was only kind of correct.

“Her dad threw her out when he found out! She had no one but herself, Katsuki! . . . I don’t even know how she’s surviving, and by talking to her and helping her, you’ll be helping Ryu.”

Katsuki’s glare melted at the last word she spoke and he found himself whispering, “his name is Ryu.”

The tension had vanished into thin air at the mention of his son’s name, the warmth that engulfed his body not being one he’d ever felt before. He’d never even met the kid and he already had Katsuki wrapped around his finger, and Mina knew it. A grin spread across her face when she realized it, and with that, the first phase of her plan was complete. Neither of you may know it, but the son you two shared could bring you two together.

“How was school?” You asked Ryu as you both walked home from his daycare, the school being a small walk from your cozy home and quite safe due to being in the less populated area of the city.

“Boring,” he snorted and you couldn’t help but chuckle at his displeasure. “No one cares about my quirk because stupid Nora can glitter in the sunlight!”

“Does it matter? You like your quirk, don’t you?” You raised an eyebrow at him.

“Yeah, yeah, you’re right. . Did you ever get bullied for not having a quirk, mom?” Ryu looked up at you, his big e/c wide and curious for what kind of answer you’d give him.

‘Why do children have to ask tough questions? What happened to why the chicken crossed the road?’ You sweat dropped, and quickly tried to come up with a soft but honest answer.

You didn’t lie to Ryu about things, not even about why he was now your only family, but you didn’t present him hard truths that you didn’t think he was ready for. Basically, you gave a blanket answer; a broad answer that wouldn’t hurt him. He was only five after all, why the hell did a five year old need to know about dishonor and abandonment?

“Well, no,” you started gently. “My dad, your grandfather, kind of made sure that didn’t happen and I didn’t know that I was a thing until I was older.”

Until I met your dad.

You ran a hand through his hair and pulled him closer as you walked, “and now I definitely don’t need a quirk when I have you to protect me, right?”

Ryu smiled a smile so bright that you wondered if he could rival the sun, and it warmed you to the very core. That smile was what you lived for, it was the reason you found yourself and wanted to be better. You couldn’t imagine where’d you’d be right now if he hadn’t changed your whole world, the thought of living in your father’s shadow being unthinkable now. You’d trump him, you’d trump his entire company, and you’d trump everyone who used you.

‘I’m strong because of you.’

“Of course, I’m your hero!” Ryu cheered.

“That’s right,” you chuckled.

You came up on your house, and the smile and warmth you once had was taken from you so suddenly that you stopped in your tracks a few feet away from your door. Ryu gasped from beside you and you heard his bag drop to the floor, but you knew his shock was the complete opposite of yours. Both of you were looking at the tall blonde man that stood in front of your door, leaning against it staring into space until he heard the bag drop. His red eyes fell on the both of us and you stopped breathing, not sure of what to do, or better yet * what he’d do.

“You’re Dynamight!” The first words were spoken by your son, his high pitched voice nearly yelling those words as he took a few steps forward.

You watched Katsuki’s reaction carefully, trying to prepare yourself to get Ryu away from him if he even so much as snapped at him. This wasn’t how you wanted them to meet — you didn’t want them to meet at all — and from your last interaction, you weren’t sure if he even wanted to meet Ryu. Yet all you could do was watch for the time being.

Katsuki looked him dead in the eyes, his usual resting bitch face, but there was something soft about it that shocked you. He was in his hero uniform, probably coming straight here from whatever hero work he was doing, and there was no question on who told him your address.

You’d most definitely be strangling a certain pink pixie later.

“Yeah, you’re Ryu, right?” Katsuki said, talking the next few steps towards him and bending down to be his height.

Ryu’s face was out of your sight, but you could imagine he was exploding with happiness. “Yeah! How did you know? Did you come to recruit me for your agency?! Mom, did you know?”

‘If I knew he was coming I would have sent you across the country.’

“I didn’t, but why don't we invite Mr. Dynamight in? He’s probably tired,” you suggested.

“Oh yeah! Come in, we can talk about hero stuff and I can show you my toys!”

Ryu took Katsuki’s hand as you walked past them, brushing Katsuki’s shoulder gently and ignoring how your body yearned to feel that warmth more closely. You unlocked the door and let Ryu lead him in, closing the door behind them and taking off your heels. Both of you were technically still in work attire, yours being business casual while his was. . hero official?

Katsuki was probably unnerved by Ryu’s talkative nature, but you simply went to the kitchen like you usually did when you got home and rummaged the cabinets for your tea. As long as they were both in close range, you could take a second to pull yourself together so you don’t throw your child’s idol and father out of your home if he so much as breathes in a way you didn’t like. If you were to act out now, you’d really have to sit down with the boy, and if you weren’t ready for them to meet, you certainly weren’t ready for that.

Your tea kettle didn’t even get to whistle before you took it off the stove, pouring the piping hot water into a cup with your tea and adding the sugar. The noise had died down in the living room where you could hear Ryu tell Katsuki all he knew about him — which was a lot — and you were staring to become concerned that Bakugou had possibly said something that hurt his feelings or kidnapped your child, but those theories were put to rest when footsteps came into the kitchen.

“He talks as much as you did.” Those words affected you more than you’d like to admit, not expecting him to want to make any connections between you and the son you both shared.

“He’s my son,” you stated the obvious. Turning around to face him with your tea in hand, taking a small sip of the burning hot liquid as you gazed at him with cold eyes.

Katsuki didn’t know what else to say, he had no plan for what he’d do once he got here, only getting your address from Mina and refusing to ask for advice. He had never walked on eggshells with someone before, it was usually everyone else trying not to piss him off. He didn’t know if he was scared of you, or how wrong he was about you. He didn’t have a clue that you were living a normal life, and once he came across your house in such a small neighborhood without gates and security, he felt even more guilty about yelling at you in that restaurant.

“When I told you to tell me when you’re ready to meet him, I didn’t mean just show up at my house.” You said, and as calm as it sounded, he could tell that you were picking your words wisely. She obviously didn’t want Ryu to know who he was yet, and he didn’t think he wanted to either with how happy the kid was to see him as his idol.

How would he see him if he knew he was his dad?

“How did you do it? . . I mean, what do you do now?” Katsuki asked, choosing to ignore your initial statement and get the answers he was seeking.

You were getting tired of being questioned, but this is what you get for reaching out. “If you’re asking how I’m able to take care of us, it’s because I started my own business with the money I had saved up. Next question,” you answered casually as you continued sipping your tea.

“. . Why did you tell me now?”

He noticed that question seemed to break your composure, your cold and aloof expression turned sorrowful and your eyes stayed glued to your cup. Katsuki didn’t understand why he felt his stomach drop at the sight of it, but he blamed it on the guilt he already felt.

“Ryu started asking about you more. . and I thought maybe it was because I wasn’t spending enough time with him. . but the more time we spent together the more questions he’d ask about you. I had to face the facts that I can’t play the part of mom and dad, and he deserved to meet his real dad even if we never get along. He deserved to get to make his own impression of you,” you admitted.

Katsuki was once again speechless, but the spotlight was quickly torn off of him.

“He’s my dad?”

A/N: Annnnd we have a new chapter! I hope you enjoy, and thank you all for all the love on this book 🥺! I appreciate all the comments and revolves so much! Muah!

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