#basically im doing my darndest

[f-imaginings]

Balancing full time emotionally taxing work, a social life, maintaining a healthy romantic relationship, household chores, and part time study alongside writing isn't easy but I am trying my very best. Three years of writers block was hard but now I'm finally overcoming it thanks to being in a supportive relationship and working on myself through doing trauma therapy.

[tittysuckersworld]

google search how to put someone down in the nicest way posible when they have no idea how world works in a way

[kaijunouhhhhhhhhhhummmm]

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4.4k/ Reader pov x soshiro build up/ reader has a big family/ it's chaotic but in a good way/ some drama with soshiro/  angy soshiro/ trying my darndest to be gn with my reader POV but im sure i missed somethin/ i guess hurt and comfort?/ where are all my ppl with loud and invasive families at haha

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Soshiro has yelled before. “Get those legs up!” “More! C’mon I know you got more in you!” “Ten more reps then we’ll call it a day!” all commands in training or shouting orders when on a mission. Sure, he’s yelled and shouted at all of you a whole lot. But always in your best interest. For your protection, strength, encouragement, to make you better. But this time was different. 

It got very silent after he did. This time he wasn't shouting from his usual place of care. He was angry. Almost menacing even. Worse, it was directed at you. 

You dropped your staff in the middle of armed combat training. It happens. Not a big deal. Usually. People drop staffs, swords, guns, all the time and then everyone corrects form and  moves on. Not today. 

You’re frozen in place. For the first time you find yourself afraid of the vice captain. There is always the knowledge that he could kill you if he really wanted to. He is extremely talented and could take a whole school of trainees. Of course. There is the reverence of his ability at all times. But to feel like it could be used against you? You’ve never felt fear quite like that sink into your bones. You’re sure your skin has gone pale and your basic bodily functions like breathing and heartbeat faltered. Everyone else feels it too. His eyes, a brilliant violet, are staring into yours and you can't move. The strength you were using a moment ago vanishes.The tension in his body seems ready to pounce on you. What did you do wrong? You couldn't understand. You go through all your movements in your head. Everyone drops fighting props. What did you do wrong? He berated you infront of everyone and internally you're doing it to yourself now too.

Kafka breaks the silence in the room and the panic in your head. “Hey, uh, vice captain, I’ll work with them.” He puts his hand on your shoulder and with a tug pulls you out of your frozen state and guides you away from Soshiro’s glare to a far corner of the gymnasium. Soshiro doesn't argue and you feel his eyes on the both of you as you’re guided away. The tension is still heavy in the air as you both walk. 

Practice continues quietly and with hesitancy from everyone as they avoid being on the receiving end of any more of his ire. You can feel eyes on you and murmurs of “Shit, that was intense.” “They okay?” “I wouldn't be.” You're still shaking a bit as Kafaka tries to guide you through the movements. A pitying look on his face you're half grateful for. You’re still trying to figure out what happened. What did you do that was so incorrect? Maybe something you did before this? 

“Hey.” Kafka’s low soft voice snaps you back from your spiral again. “Keep your eyes on me okay?” 

You nod trying to steel your nerves but you’re too afraid to look back at the vice captain. God, you think you’re going to cry actually. His anger is so frightening but more so is the thought of disappointing him. Kafka is fighting you with the same gentleness he would use on a kitten. 

Practice ends and your friends practically run to you. You're grateful for the shield they provide as you all put your weapons away and leave the gym. You still don't dare to look at the vice captain. Embarrassed, hurt and tired you let them guide you to the cafeteria. 

“Okay what the fuck was that?” Iharu asks once you're all out of earshot from Soshiro. 

“Yeah, that was a bit much.” Reno says.

“A bit? It was uncalled for.” Kikoru says, noticeably upset. “Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for berating people when it's called for but (y/n) wasn't doing anything wrong. We all drop our staff sometimes.” 

“Yeah, especially during sparring.” says Reno

“You didn't do anything to piss him off before training did ‘ya?” Iharu asks you.

“No? I don't think so?” It's not like you havent been thinking about it. It's all youve been thinking about. What did you do that was so wrong? 

“Hey, even if they did, that kind of reaction is uncalled for.” Kikoru says.

“She’s right.” Reno says. “Even if (y/n) had, vice captain still has to be mindful of how he carries out punishment. Obviously after he did that it affected morale.”

“Was he acting a bit off to any of you before training started?” Kikoru asks. 

“Nah, I didn't notice anything.” Iharu says. 

“What else is new?” Reno remarks. 

“Hey!” Iharu says, punching Renos arm. 

“Yeah, way to have self awareness, Iharu.” Kikoru adds. 

You all laugh at Iharu’s expense and his many failed objections to having some level of self awareness. 

Kafka sighs “I don't know what that was but I bet it's got nothing to do with you, yeah?” he rests a heavy arm over your shoulders as you all reach the cafeteria. “At least you won't be here for the rest of the week.”

“Oh yeah, your big family gathering and all.” Iharu pinches your arm.

That brings a smile to your face. You haven't seen your family in months, much less extended family and you're excited to have some home cooking and for your parents to buy your dinners for you when you all go sightseeing. You appreciate your friends so much for trying to make you feel better. A family away from your own. Kafka is probably right. Maybe something did happen to Soshiro before training. It still stung though. 

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Five days go by in a very turbulent cyclone of hugs, sometimes the bear kind, kisses, hand shaking, other times straight up picking you up and shaking your whole body greetings. “Cousin!” “Sister!” “Mom!” “Uncle!” “Dad!” “Look at you! You’re real strong now, huh?” “Can we fight?” “How many kaiju have you killed?” ��Any cute guys you got your eye on?” “Do you travel a lot?” “Do you get to keep body parts?” “Where can I get their body parts?” “Gross.” “I bet it's fun.” “I bet it's gross.” “Stop talking about it. I hate thinking about my baby in that situation.” “They arent your baby anymore!” “Yeah they are. Just a bigger baby now.” And on and on like that constantly for days. It doesn't particularly end at night either. 

You’ve all gathered at your grandfather's house managing to squeeze something like 15 people (with more coming and going) into four bedrooms, two living rooms, four closets and some even camping in the kitchen. Still more come for dinners and outings but do not stay the night. At night you can hear your mother and aunts cackle and chat about old boyfriends, girlfriends, some information you could have gone your whole life not hearing about your uncles and who in the family died recently. They talk outside for hours and still get up before everyone else to make breakfast. Your uncles outside talking about work and how their jobs are treating them. Maybe find new contacts through each other. Not everyone could take the time off for the reunion. Some come and go for work. Some drop by for lunch. Some relatives you only see briefly, some you spend the whole week with. Your grandfather half heartedly watching the kids with your other grandfather. Your afternoons with your cousins are left chatting about who's dating who, who's going to work where, accepted to what school, marrying someone here, going on a trip elsewhere. 

Long walks, shopping trips, hikes, several grocery runs, long drives, sleeping in cramped seats, lots of cleaning after dinner, arguing about bathroom order. You figure every single minute was used for something. It feels like a lof once you reflect on it but it's familiar and comforting even if stressful at times. Finding the quiet moments to speak in the silence of a tired house late at night are some of the best conversations you ever have. They happen in bedrooms, on the patio, in the backyard, in the kitchen, outside past the gate on the sidewalk, the bathroom. Whispers of gossip, your aunt's new young boyfriend, your cousin's way too expensive car that has your aunt shake her head when mentioned. Tense moments that are forced to pass, laughter that hurts your sides when you breathe, honestly that brings some to cry, reminiscing of days that make everyone silent and listen intently. Understanding this is passed wisdom you may not get the chance to hear again. Sometimes this all happens at once in the same room.

Your mom announces she wants to have a big dinner tonight since most of your family will leave the following day. All day all hands are helping cook, clean, shop, set tables, chairs, speakers, putting on makeup, doing hair, choosing outfits and shopping some more.

Finally everyone is in for the evening and once again settling down for long conversations, drinking, playing games, eating and dancing. You are often on your feet getting this for that uncle, helping an aunt with that, giving a cousin this, talking to grandma about some other thing you haven't thought about since you were eight. 

You finally get a chance to sit at a crowded table breathing in for a moment. So many family and friends showed up that the dinner had to spill out to the patio from inside. Then more friends and family arrived and then it spilled out into the front yard. All the young, too cool teens in the backyard, your cousins closer to your age crowded around you talking, well, more like yelling but that's just how they speak. Your older aunts and uncles half singing half telling stories to laugh at each other too. Some others helping set up hanging lights on the trees. Soshiro casually speaking with one of your uncles by the gate. The kids chase each other with toys or beg for a water slide. 

Wait.

Soshiro casually speaking with your uncle by the front gate?

No, you weren't drinking unlike your other cousins so you definitely were not imagining Soshiro casually holding a conversation with your uncle. Now one of your aunts is walking towards him with a drink. Oh god what is going on. 

You shoot up to your feet and try as fast as you can to get to him but have to shove past chairs and tables set tightly by each other. Push by family standing and talking. Squeeze around others carrying food and barely managing not to trip past spatially challenged adults and children. 

“Vice captain!” You shout although you don't mean to be so loud but you are still not convinced this is really happening. You’re actually not sure if you didn't drink something earlier while being tossed around for chores and taking a sip from anything to quench your thirst and forgot. 

Soshiro turns to you with his usual unreadable expression. He’s holding what looks like orange soda in his hand. “Hello (y/n). I hope you don't mind my intrusion but I really wanted to talk to you-”

“(y/n)! Why didn't you say you were going to have guests come today?” your aunt that handed him his drink asks.

“I didn't know I had any.” you say to her confused, worried, and maybe a little embarrassed. “I’m sorry I wasn't expecting anyone from the division to show up. What are you doing here?” you ask him. A million scenarios of how this evening could go horribly wrong play out. You're suddenly very self conscious. 

Before Soshiro can say anything you see one of your uncles walk towards you and give you both a look. You know that look. It's the look every family member in the history of family has always given when they are about to ask the dreaded question. You are too late to stop him from asking: “Boyfriend?” 

“NO!” you shout just as the word comes out of his mouth. But now you’ve managed to attract everyone's attention within earshot. You hope the music drowned out your uncle asking that. You dare a quick look at Soshiro’s face but it's unmoving. Thank god he's always had such a good poker face. 

Cousins begin to walk up “Hey, there (y/n)’s friend that is definitely not a boyfriend! What's your name?” 

This is gonna be a long evening. 

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You're both sitting next to each other. It's been something like three hours and they have not stopped asking Soshiro questions. It's not everyday a famous kaiju killing officer shows up to a family gathering. You’re exhausted from trying to protect Soshiro from evasive questions but he takes it all in stride. He answers all questions promptly and gives just the right amount of information. He’s so tactful with your rude family it's admirable. There's no point in you telling them not to ask something because Soshiro has already responded. You stop trying to stop it. He's perfectly trained in combat and intrusive family conversation too it seems.

“So vice captain, is (y/n) any good at what they do?” a cousin asks with a baby on his lap. 

You’re about to say something but then remember the last training session you had with your division. You’re actually not so certain yourself. 

“(y/n) has exceeded all of my expectations.” he turns to you. “I couldn't have asked for a better officer to be in my platoon.” 

You search his face for a clue of him joking or waiting for a punchline. But his smile is sincere. You want to be moved by his response but you think he's probably just trying to make you look good in front of your family. 

Your cousins murmur their comments of approval among themselves. “Hey, vice captain, would you like something else to drink?” one of your cousins asks from further down the table. 

“Please, I’ll get my own drink. Don't trouble yourself.” he stands and turns to you. “Would you like anything?” 

You're still not quite sure what to make of all of this. A refill is not really a thought you're having. 

“(y/n) probably wants some of the cake we have at the table by the drinks.” someone else chimes in. 

“I can get that myself.” you do want the cake but having your superior serve you is too weird to handle. You start to get up from your chair when he interjects. 

“It's okay. I’m happy to. Enjoy your time with your family.” he says smiling then scooting past everyone towards the drink table.

“He’s nice.” “Yeah, I figured defense force officers were kinda meat heads, you know?” “He has real good manners.” “He's sitting so straight.” “I didn't know they made them like that anymore.” your cousins comment. 

One of them shoves your shoulder playfully. “He’s super cute!” she gestures to Soshiro speaking with your lively little cousin swinging a stick like a sword. “Why didn't you say you were inviting someone?” 

“I didn't.” you continue to watch him making sure nobody is being rude towards him. Who knows how this is going to affect your job if your family does something offensive or stupid. 

“He just showed up?” 

“Yeah. I mean I have to report where I’m going to be but I didn't invite anyone.” 

“He just wanted to show up?” another cousin asks. 

You nod. They give knowing looks to each other. 

“What?” you ask firmly. Who knows what mischievous things they're communicating with each other telepathically it seems. “Don't say anything stupid in front of him please.”

“Hey, we aren't gonna have you lose your job.”

“Does he do this a lot? Just show up to officers' houses unannounced?” your cousin who asked about inviting him wonders. She has a tone that you can tell is heading this conversation somewhere you don't want it to. 

You sigh irritated. “It’s not like that.” 

“Why not?” another cousin asks. 

Some of them are giggling now. They are enjoying this excruciating line of questions. 

“Because.” you say wanting this conversation to end before he comes back. 

“Are you not allowed to date superiors?” 

“No- I- well, I don't know.” You shake your head frustrated that they're leading you on the exact conversation you're trying to avoid. “It doesn't matter, okay! It’s not going to happen!” 

“Do you want it to?” someone further down the table asks. You had no idea the conversation had reached that far down. You can feel your face start to burn and you don't want to give them anymore ammo. It's time to make your escape before they realize your face is a giveaway. 

You stand up. “I’m gonna check on him.” you begin to walk away and some of them start to whistle a love song, giggle or whisper little comments. They definitely saw your face turn red. 

You get to Soshiro as he was about to head back to the table. He's holding your cake and his drink “You mind if I eat that somewhere else? It's getting stuffy at the table.” 

Soshiro smiles, not looking eager to return to his interrogation. “Sure. I’ll follow your lead.” 

“Let's go out to the sidewalk.” You both begin to walk towards the gate. You wish you could shrink your head into your body like a turtle. The looks you both are getting as you walk out is enough to make you want to disappear. 

You give a long exhale when you're both finally out the gate. You lean against the wall that borders your grandfathers home. The music and noise from the party faded considerably behind the brick. Soshiro hands you your food. 

“Thank you for getting this for me.” 

“Of course.” he takes a drink from his cup. 

“It's been such a whirlwind I didn't ask you why you're here.” you cut a smaller piece of cake to eat. 

“You did. Earlier. I just didn't get a chance to respond.” 

You stop chewing. “I did?” 

A smile grows on his face. “Yes. But I understand. I’m so sorry for showing up like this. I just needed to speak with you about last week.” 

“Last week?” 

He nods. A pained expression taking over his face. He places his cup down on the sidewalk. “(y/n),-” he faces you with a determined look. His voice is serious. You tense up not sure why he suddenly had to put his cup down for whatever he's about to do. For a moment you think hes going to kick your ass for having such a loud fucking family. He bows. “Please forgive me for my extremely rude behavior.” 

Your brain stops. “What?” is all you manage to squeak out. 

He rises up. He’s looking down but you can tell from his face that he means this. “Last week. I lashed out at you. It was uncalled for. I immediately regretted it after it happened.” 

You think for a second, still trying to catch up to the fact that Soshiro Hoshina just bowed to you. Then you remember. “Oh!” 

He gives you a look that says ‘Seriously? I’m trying to apologize and you don't even remember?’

“Sorry, it's just, well, this week has been so busy I kinda forgot about that. I mean until you showed up anyways.” you clear your throat. “I didn't expect you’d apologize for it. Much less show up here to do it.” 

He pinches the bridge of his nose. “I shouldnt’ve’ shown up.” 

“No! Its fine that you did! It was just shocking.” 

He takes a deep breath and exhales. “I wanted to talk to you the next day but then I was told you were on break for a week. And, well, I didn't want to wait any longer. It was…” he trailed off before starting again. “It was botherin’ me too much. You looked real hurt so… I’m sorry.” 

A pause between you two follows and the only sounds are the nighttime insects and your family's music and laughter that echoes past the wall. Then it hits you. You're five hours away from Tokyo right now. Your vacation ends the day after tomorrow. He could have waited another day. He could have called. Even a text if he really wanted to apologize that way. But more importantly you never expected he’d apologize to begin with. It hurt and you were scared but you figured that was just part of the territory of being in the defense force. You get your commanding officers ire sometimes. 

“... I accept your apology.” You say looking at your half eaten cake suddenly too shy to face him.

He sighs in relief. “Good.” 

Another pause. 

“You came all this way to apologize?” you ask, looking at him. Searching his eyes. 

He looks at your eyes in return and doesn't respond for a moment. “Yeah.” he smiles. “Can I have some of that?” 

“Huh? Oh, yeah but I dont have another fork-” He steals your fork and takes a piece of the cake. 

He chews and swallows. “It's good.” 

You watch him chew. Stunned that he just did that. “Yes.” 

“Homemade?” 

“Yes.” 

“You like it a lot too, huh?” 

“Yes.” That's the only response you can say apparently. 

He chuckles then his voice drops when he speaks. “I have so much fun with you. I didn't want what happened to affect us.” 

You watch him not sure what to think right now so you say the first thing that comes to mind. “I have fun with you too.” You suck your lips into your mouth directly after saying that because never would you have imagined you'd have the bravery to say something like that to him. 

He laughs. “What's with that face?” 

You pretend not to know what he's talking about, raising an eyebrow still sucking on your lips. 

He laughs more and you try to hold your lips in but end up bursting out in a laugh too. It's so good to hear him laugh. It's so contagious. It always makes you smile without fail. You both go on until the laughing subsides on its own. You now remember what happened after the training session. 

“Can I ask you if something happened before the session that made you do that? I was afraid I did something to disappoint you.” 

His expression visibly shifts to a serious one as you say that. His eye brows furrow slightly like he's mad at you for saying that. “You could never disappoint me.” 

You once again are at a loss for words so you give a nod instead. 

He joins you leaning on the wall. He silently looks down at his shoes for a moment as if thinking of what to say before facing you. “I don't want to give you excuses.” 

You shake your head slowly. “Not an excuse. We were wondering if something had happened. You're not usually like that.” 

Soshiro looked hesitant to say anything. He seemed to look everywhere except back at you. He opened and closed his mouth several times before speaking. “My family isn't like yours ya’ know.” 

There had always been whispers about the Hoshina family. Not very good ones. Soshiro also doesn't often volunteer information about himself. But maybe tonight he's making an exception because he feels guilty. 

“My brother called me and…” he sighs irritatedly and drags a hand across his face. "I'd rather not bore you with the details.” he says with a breathy half assed laugh. “It’s a nice night with your family. I dont wanna ruin that.”

He's uncomfortable and you can see it. It stings a little bit that he won't tell you. 

He picks up on changes in your facial expression as you look away. “Sorry. I know I just spent the whole evening with your family but…” he sighs. “It’s just a lot that you really don't need to worry about.” he’s trying to sound like he's doing you a favor. 

You give him a sad smile. You want to know. You want to know everything about him. “I understand.” You understand that he's your boss and there's always going to be an invisible boundary between the two of you because of that. Can't get too close. That's always it isn't it? You both can laugh, joke, he can show up to your family gathering unannounced, charm all of them, get you cake, but no. You can't get too close. “But I want you to know you don't have to keep it to yourself. I mean you tried that and look where you are now.” 

He snorts. “Yeah you’re right.” He looks at the top of the wall then the gate. “It's not such a bad place to be though.” A sudden wave of laughter comes from behind the wall. Your family's joy makes you smile. 

“Yeah I guess they aren't so bad.” You eat more of your cake. “But it's not always like this, you know.” He looks at you curiously. “I just want you to know families are complicated. But I'm sure you know that.” 

He nods knowingly. “Yeah. I get it.” He stretches and takes the fork from your hand, swiping the last piece of cake for himself before you can say anything. He picks up the cup and chugs down his drink. He grimaces “Yeah your uncle for sure put somethin’ in that.” You laugh. “Well I'm gonna head out.” He checks the time on his phone. “I’ll catch the last train to Tokyo if I leave 10 minutes ago.”

You start to panic. “Are you gonna be able to get home?” 

He shrugs and starts to walk away. “If anything I’ll stay at the nearest base.” He waves as he walks backwards. “Thank your family for me! They were great! I’ve never heard someone be asked if they were my (girlfriend/ boyfriend/ partner) sa’ many times and be so cool ‘bout it!” 

You blush. You become the shade of a ripe strawberry. The inside of a watermelon perhaps. “What!?” 

He chuckles. “I’ll see you back at base soon!” 

You watch him walk away casting long shadows by lamp posts as he passes them. You ask him in a whisper “Why didn't you just wait until I got back?” 

[tired-truffle]

Even the Gods Cry For Us

A Viktorxfem!reader fic

Chapter Word Count: 5.7k

Part 13/17

Tag list: @im-just-a-simp-le-whore @potatointhedirt (if anyone else would like to be tagged with future updates let me know!)

"Sometimes we don't want to heal because the pain is the last link to what we’ve lost." - J.M. Storm

Masterlist

“You have to be good at something.” Charlotte shook her head, sighing her exasperation.

“Evidently, my skills don’t lie in anything we’ve tried so far.” The tangled mess of knitting to your side taunted you. You must have been capable of doing some things back in your world. Why was it that when you’d come to Runeterra, you’d been unable to do most basic activities and chores with any sort of success? Had that been the price of having magic? 

Seemed like a strange trade, but it wasn’t like you’d had much of a choice - nor would you have chosen any other option if it meant you didn’t get to meet Viktor. 

“Charlotte,” you started, a thought occurring to you, entirely separate from the topic at hand, “why are they called “the Firelights’?”

Charlotte raised an eyebrow, “I would imagine it has something to do with firelights, but given that I’m not a member, I haven’t a clue.”

That did very little to answer your question, so you pushed on. “What exactly is a firelight?”

Charlotte narrowed her eyes at you. “Are you pulling my leg, girl? How could you not know what a firelight is? Greenish glowing butt bugs that fly around at night mostly, they’re everywhere.”

You had seen insects matching that description, but that still made little sense to you. “You mean fireflies?”

From the look Charlotte gave you, you would have thought you’d asked her to eat one of the supposed firelights. With a huff, she shook her head. “You say the darndest things sometimes.” She turned towards the next tent, seeing something that caught her eye, “You wait here, I’ll be right back.”

You’d barely had time to voice your confirmation when a clear container with one of your sparks floating idly around broke through your line of sight, two small hands grasping it on either side. 

Blinking, you lowered your gaze until you came upon the proudly grinning face of the young girl you’d met on the way to Stillwater. 

“Oh, hello,” you said with a smile, relief flooding through you and making your limbs weaken. You crouched down to her height and suppressed the waver in your voice. “I’m so happy to see you’re alright. Though I didn’t expect that you’d still have one of my sparks.”

You poked the container, the spark inside zipping around as it reacted to your touch. The girl grinned wider, her helmet flopping as he tilted her head to the side.

“Isha!” A girl called from behind you, and though you’d never met her in person before, you’d heard her speak in a vision and recognized the voice instantly; it belonged to Jinx. “What are you doing? You can’t just go running off like that. Get back here!”

Your vision blurred without warning, the world around you fading into a hazy orange glow.

Isha, unmistakable in her painted helmet and little blue braids, sprinted through a war-torn landscape. Smoke billowed from all directions, and the air was thick with the acetic scent of burning flesh. Her large boots slapped against blood-slicked ground as she dodged debris and fallen bodies. The spark container, now cracked and dirty, bounced on her hip.

You watched, helpless, as she darted between clashing soldiers. Their weapons clanged in bursts of crackling energy and sprays of crimson. Isha weaved through them with a desperate grace, her eyes wide with determination and fear.

For a fleeting moment, you caught a glimpse of a circular structure in the distance, the ceiling blown out; this was the commune.

But before you could grasp any further details, you were launched back into your body, swaying as you adjusted to the difference in time.

Useless, as always. Warning you of things to come but not how to stop it. You clenched your fists at your side, exhaling shakily.

Isha stared up at you, her large eyes wide with wonder. It had been a long time since you’d had a vision in front of anyone who wasn’t Viktor, but you couldn’t blame her for being curious about your glowing eyes. 

You cleared your throat and straightened, trying to shake off the lingering disorientation from the vision. The world around you seemed to snap back into focus, colours intensifying as your eyes readjusted. Isha still gazed up at you, her mouth slightly agape, the spark container clutched tightly to her chest.

Before you could say anything, a blur of vibrant colours rushed past you. Jinx skidded to a halt, her long, blue braids whipping around her torso as she grabbed Isha's hand. The older girl's chest heaved, clearly out of breath from chasing after Isha.

"Sorry about her," Jinx began, her words tumbling out in a rushed stream. "She's just so curious about everything, wouldn’t know a warf-rat was dangerous unless it bit her on the—"

Jinx's rambling apology cut off abruptly as her gaze met yours. Her eyes, a striking shade of pink - so similar to your own - narrowed suspiciously. The manic energy that had propelled her forward seemed to evaporate, replaced by a wary stillness that set your nerves on edge.

“Have I…seen you somewhere before? You look awfully familiar.” 

“Oh, uh, probably not.” You had never been a good liar. “I just have one of those faces.”

She rocked back on her heels, her braids swaying as she eyed the floating sparks. “Think I’d remember a mage in the city that famously hates mages. Have you always had…these?”

She waved at the sparks, and Isha raised her container, shaking it for Jinx to see and blessedly diverting her attention, allowing you to avoid her question.

You watched as Jinx's eyes darted between you and the spark container, and you could almost taste the sour tang of her suspicion.

"Isha, give the lady her…thing back," Jinx said, her voice unnaturally slow and deliberate. Her eyes never left your face, searching for something - recognition, perhaps, or deceit.

"It's okay," you said quickly, holding up your hands in a display of innocence. "It's a gift. She can keep it."

The words tumbled out of your mouth before you could stop them, surprising even yourself. But as you gazed at Isha's hopeful face, framed by those bright blue braids and the oversized helmet, you knew you couldn't bear to take it back. The spark inside the container seemed to pulse in agreement, casting a soft, ethereal glow on the child's round cheeks. Besides, you had plenty more of them, you could do with one less.

Jinx's eyebrows shot up. "A gift? You're just handing out magical…whatever-these-are to random kids?" She laughed, a sharp, disbelieving sound. "That's either really generous or really stupid. Maybe both."

You shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant despite the nervous flutter in your chest. "It's harmless, I promise. Just a bit of light, really."

Jinx's eyes narrowed again, her gaze boring into you with an intensity that made you want to squirm. "Are you sure we haven't met before? There's something about you that's just so familiar."

Your heart raced, and you could feel a bead of sweat forming at the nape of your neck. You desperately wished for Viktor's steadying presence, his logical mind that could navigate these treacherous conversational waters. But he wasn't here, and you were left to flounder on your own.

"I-I don't think so," you stammered, cursing your inability to lie convincingly.

Jinx tilted her head, her long braids swaying like colourful pendulums. "Huh. Weird. Could've sworn I'd seen your face before. Maybe in a dream or something." She shrugged, her restless energy returning as quickly as it had vanished. "Ah, well. C'mon, Isha. Let's let the nice glowy lady get back to her glowing in peace."

Jinx started to turn away, then paused. She leaned in close, her voice dropping to a conspiratorial whisper. "Word of advice, Sparkles. If you're gonna lie, at least try to make it believable. You're worse at it than a Piltie trying to blend in down here."

Your cheeks burned with embarrassment, but before you could stammer out a response, Jinx was already moving. Isha waved goodbye from Jinx's side, the spark container clutched tightly in her other hand. You watched them disappear into the commune, your mind reeling from the encounter. The lingering image of your vision - Isha running through a battlefield that happened to be in your home - overlapped with the reality of her cheerful farewell.

And all it did was strike panic into your heart, with no way to stop that disaster from happening.

“Somehow, that doesn’t shock me.” You sighed, wiping your hand down your face. “Vander died but was revived and mutated into a feral wolf creature and now his adopted daughters have brought him to you to bring him back to himself.”

Viktor had filled you in, and you’d shared with him the contents of your vision of Isha. Worrying as it was, there wasn’t much that either of you could do about it except keep an eye out for trouble. If only you’d been able to get a better look at the soldiers, but with all that dust and carnage, you hadn’t been able to make out any identifying marks.

“That about sums it up, yes.” Viktor disconnected himself from the wires, floating down to stand beside you with quiet clacks as his feet touched the ground. 

“And you think you can do that?” You’d encountered him that night at Stillwater, all feral rage and brutality, like a rabid dog unleashed on a burrow of bunnies. 

He smiled, trailing his fingers down your cheeks. “I do, though I would greatly appreciate your assistance.”

“You…” you frowned, unsure what exactly he thought you could do, “want me to help?”

“I do.” He tucked a strand of hair behind your ear, his other hand resting on your hip and tracing little circles through the fabric of your clothes. “You have the most experience with losing yourself beneath layers of pain and fear, and your ability to return my emotions has been extraordinary. You’re the perfect candidate.” 

You snorted, but could do little to cover your blush when his face was so close to yours, watching you with an ardour that made your stomach ripple. “Flatterer.” 

“Eh, it’s simply the truth.” He inched closer to you, and you tilted your chin up in response. But as your eyes fluttered closed, his lips ghosting over yours, you were rudely interrupted. 

“Huh, didn’t expect the metal fortune cookie to have a girlfriend, but I guess everyone has a type.” Jinx leaned against the entryway, arms crossed lazily. “Don’t stop on my account, I’m curious about how this works.” 

With an exasperated but tolerant sigh, Viktor stepped back. “You have a vast imagination, Jinx, I’m certain you could figure it out. But perhaps there are better uses for your time.” Jinx rolled her eyes and you coughed to cover your choke. Viktor’s eyes sparkled with mirth, and he continued, “Milá was just agreeing to aid me with Vander.”

You didn’t remember agreeing to anything, but best to present a united front, right? 

“Hard to agree when you’ve got a tongue down your throat,” Jinx grumbled, and you resisted the urge to pinch the bridge of your nose. “But how can a sparkly mage help anyway?” 

“I’d have to see him first to really get a sense of what I could do. My magic is tied to emotions, so I could potentially connect to his, but my magic is still relatively new, I don’t have the best grasp of its potential,” you answered, stepping forward. “I’d only do it if you want me to try. He’s your father.”

Jinx pursed her lips, considering your words as her vibrant pink eyes darted about the floor. With a huff, she blew her bangs out from her face. “I’ll talk to Vi,” she said at last. “Isha likes you, so you can’t be all bad. I’ll make sure she knows.”

Without further ado, Jinx turned on her heel, sauntering away with a causal “Toodles!” tossed over her shoulder.

You watched Jinx's retreating form, her braids swaying with each step. As her footsteps faded, you turned back to Viktor.

"Well," you sighed, "that was…interesting."

Viktor's lips quirked into a small smile. "Indeed.” And without missing a beat, he added, “Shall we take a walk while we give the girls some time to debate our assistance?”

You took his offered hand, beaming at him. “I would love to.”

Your eyes were drawn to a massive shape hunched in the corner of the greenhouse. Vander - or what used to be Vander - crouched behind a row of leafy ferns. His fur was matted and dull, piercing eyes peering out from the foliage, wary and wild. A low growl rumbled from his throat as you entered. Compared to the last time you saw him, this was a vast improvement - the green of the tank on his back a much more pleasant colour than the vibrant red.

Vi stood protectively in front of him, her stance tense and ready for a fight. Her pink hair was dishevelled, dark circles around her eyes. She was every bit the fiery woman you’d heard her to be, you only wished your visions could have helped her before that haunted look soaked permanently into her features. Jinx lounged on a nearby rock, legs swinging, but her casual posture contradicted the sharpness in her gaze. Little Isha sat cross-legged on the ground, surrounded by a semicircle of multicoloured pebbles she must have taken from the garden beds.

“So,” Vi kicked at the ground, her hands shoved in the pockets of her scuffed-up pants, “you’re the mage that wants to help Vander?”

“Mila,” you corrected gently, “much easier to say than all of that. But yes, I am.” 

“Right,” Vi nodded, eyes darting to Jinx who was pretending not to pay attention, fiddling with the ends of her braids.

You shifted your stance, feeling the weight of Vi's scrutiny. Her eyes, exhausted and wary, bored into you. The greenhouse's humidity clung to your skin, making you acutely aware of every bead of sweat forming on the small of your back.

"So, how exactly does this magic of yours work?" Vi's voice was gruff, laced with skepticism.

You took a deep breath, searching for the right words. "It's…complicated," you began, your gaze drifting to the sparks that danced around you. They pulsed gently as if encouraging you. "My magic is tied to emotions. It's like a bridge between hearts, I guess."

Vi's eyebrow arched, her lips pursing. "A bridge?"

"Yes," you nodded, warming to the metaphor. "I can sense emotions, sometimes even influence them. It's like reaching out and touching someone's soul, feeling what they feel. Though I’ve only done it a handful of times. It's recently only started to cooperate."

As you spoke, a spark drifted towards Isha. The little girl's eyes widened, her hand reaching out to touch it. The spark danced just beyond her fingertips, casting a soft blue glow on her face.

"I'm still learning," you admitted, watching the interaction and deciding it was best to be honest about your inexperience. "It's not an exact science so I can’t make any promises that it’ll make a difference."

Vi softened slightly, her eyes flickering to Vander's huddled form. "And you think this can help him?"

You nodded, trying to project more confidence than you felt. "If I could reach the part of him that's still him, beneath everything else, maybe - and I want to emphasize the maybe - I can help bring him back."

Vi chewed her lip, her gaze darting between you, Viktor, and Vander. The greenhouse fell silent, save for the gentle rustling of leaves and Vander's occasional growl. Even Jinx had stopped fidgeting, her sharp eyes fixed on her sister.

Finally, Vi's shoulders sagged. "Alright," she said. "You’re the healer,” she nodded her head at Viktor, “if you think it could work, well, we'll take all the help we can get."

A wave of relief washed over you, tinged with nervous anticipation. You prayed you wouldn't let them down, they’d had enough disappointment in their lives already.

With a reassuring nod from Viktor, you slowly made your way toward Vander, your heart hammering against your ribcage with each hesitant step.

Vander tracked your every movement. His massive form tensed as you drew near, muscles rippling beneath matted fur. A low, rumbling growl vibrated through the space, the hair at the nape of your neck standing on end.

When you were just a few feet away, you slowly lowered yourself to one knee. The cool stone seeped through your clothes, grounding you. You took a deep breath, inhaling the rich, earthy scent of the greenhouse. Your sparks danced around you, casting shifting patterns of light across Vander's fur.

"Hello, Vander," you said, barely above a whisper. You smiled, hoping to convey warmth and safety. "You've raised two incredible daughters. Strong, brave, and fiercely loyal. You must be so proud."

At the mention of his daughters, something flickered in Vander's eyes. The growl faded, replaced by a softer rumble. His massive head tilted slightly, regarding you with what might have been curiosity.

Encouraged, you continued, "They love you so much, and they haven’t given up on you. That speaks volumes about the father you were and still are."

Vander's posture relaxed slightly, his shoulders lowering from their defensive hunch. You could feel the shift in the air, the tension easing ever so slightly.

Taking a deep breath, you reached out with your magic. It unfurled from you like tendrils of light, invisible to the others but brilliant in your mind's eye. As your magic touched Vander, a surge of warring emotions crashed over you.

Pain, raw and searing, engulfed you and ripped you apart from the inside out. Your chest constricted, muscles tensing as you fought against the urge to scream. But beneath the physical agony lay a deeper, gnawing anguish that clawed at your insides, threatening to hollow you out.

Grief followed, a bottomless well of sorrow that drowned you. The sound of screams echoed in your ears and the weight of responsibility crushed down on broad shoulders.

You gritted your teeth, forcing yourself to breathe through the onslaught. Sweat beaded on your forehead, your hands trembling with the effort of maintaining the connection.

You pushed further, digging deeper. That couldn’t be all there was, there had to be something else beneath, something to keep him going. You felt it then. Love. Pure, fierce, unconditional love. Love for Vi and Jinx, burning bright and unfaltering. Love for Zaun - not just the place, but its people. Vander's pride in the resilience of the Undercity, his admiration for those who carved out lives amidst a sea of injustice.

But these were all just pieces of him, to truly sort through such a complex web… The strands of his emotions writhed and pulsed, each one lashing out to ensnare you. Fear coiled around your ankles like a skeletal hand while rage burned hot against your skin. Despair hung heavy in your lungs, thick and cloying, making it difficult to breathe. Echoes of explosions reverberated in your ears, punctuated by the heart-wrenching cries of children. Your vision blurred with tears - were they yours or Vander's? It was impossible to tell where you ended and he began.

You pulled back, gasping for air as if you'd been underwater. Your lungs burned, and your head spun with lingering echoes of Vander. Sweat trickled down your temples, and your hands shook as you pushed yourself to your feet.

"He’s all tangled up like barbed wire. It's a maze in there." You closed your eyes, trying to steady yourself as the world tilted around you. "But I think…I think I might be able to help unravel them. It could make it easier for Viktor to pry his consciousness out of the pain."

You’d seen that glimmer of love within him, and while it was surrounded by horror, there had to be some way to reach it and pull it out without ripping it to shreds.

Vi's eyes lit up with desperate hope, while Jinx leaned forward, her vibrant energy subdued. "You can do that?" Vi asked as though she was afraid of your answer.

You nodded, then immediately regretted it as a wave of dizziness washed over you. Viktor’s hand on your elbow steadied you, and you leaned into his touch. "Maybe," you amended, not wanting to give false hope. "It's not a guarantee, but it's a chance."

“A chance is better than what we had a day ago.”

You opened your mouth to respond, but Viktor took the opportunity to cut in. "We will do everything we can to restore Vander," he said, his hand still steady on your elbow. "However, this process will require concentration and a calm environment."

Jinx snorted, twirling one of her braids around her finger. "Yeah, because this greenhouse is such a party central."

Viktor's lips twitched, suppressing a smile. "Nevertheless, Milá and I will need space to work. Perhaps you'd like to explore the commune? There are quite a few fascinating innovations I'm sure you'd appreciate."

Vi nodded, her gaze lingering on Vander, reluctant to part from him. "Right, yeah. We should…we should go." She turned to Jinx and Isha, gesturing towards the door.

Jinx hopped off her perch, stretching languidly. "Ooh, alone time with the boyfriend, huh?" she said, wiggling her eyebrows at you. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do!"

"Jinx!" Vi hissed, glowering at Jinx. "This isn't the time for-"

"Relax, sis," Jinx laughed, slinging an arm around Vi's shoulders. "I'm just lightening the mood. Come on, let's go see what kind of trouble we can get into out there. Let the magic people do their magic thing."

As they left, Isha trailing behind them with her pebbles clutched in her tiny fists, you turned back to Vander. The massive creature watched you with wary eyes, but there was something else there now - a glimmer of recognition, perhaps even hope.

And you would hold onto that hope as hard as you could.

You spent the next several days immersed in Vander's tangled psyche. Each morning, you and Viktor settled into a rhythm - you'd reach out with your magic, creating a bridge of calm amidst the choppy waves and cries of Vander's emotions, while Viktor carefully probed at his consciousness.

The landscape of Vander's mind was a treacherous terrain. You navigated through dark caverns of despair, their walls slick with grief and mildew. Jagged peaks of rage jutted up suddenly, forcing you to climb hand over foot, your fingers bloodied by the time you reached the summit. Vast deserts of emptiness stretched as far as the eye could see, mirages of hope shimmering on the horizon only to vanish as you drew near.

But there were moments of beauty too. Oases of love, verdant and lush, where memories of Vi and Jinx as children played like a sweet melody. You lingered in these spaces, drawing strength from the pure joy that radiated from them.

As Viktor worked, you often had to soothe Vander. His emotions would flare up like a wounded animal, lashing out in fear and pain. You'd bundle him up in blankets of calm, whispering reassurances that echoed through the chambers of his mind. "It's okay," you'd murmur, your voice carrying the weight of conviction. "You're safe. We're here to help. Your daughters love you, remember that."

Sometimes, the intensity of it all overwhelmed you. You'd emerge from the trance gasping, your body drenched in sweat, trembling from the effort. Viktor would be there, his cool metal hand on your back, grounding you. "Take a moment," he'd say, his lilting voice a balm to your frayed nerves. "You're doing wonderfully."

As the days passed, you began to see progress. The tangled web of emotions began to loosen, threads of coherent thought weaving through the madness. Vander's growls grew less frequent, replaced by moments of lucidity where his eyes would focus, recognition flickering in their depths - and on the odd day, he would speak in short sentences.

You delved deeper and deeper into Vander's mind. The familiar landscape unfolded before you, but something new caught your attention - a pulsing thread of foreign feeling, steady and persistent.

Your curiosity sparked and you followed it, weaving through the intricate network of thoughts and emotions until you brushed against something unexpected - Viktor's presence. You hadn’t come into contact with him while buried deep in Vander’s psyche - as much as you had wanted to. This wasn’t about you and Viktor, this was about Vander. Yet you’d spent so much time moving within Vander’s emotions, wadding through his baser instincts, that they had started to rub off on you, and your ability to catch yourself before pursuing your desires was waning.

His essence was cool and precise, like the edge of a finely honed blade. But there, nestled at its core, was a swirling knot of guilt. It throbbed with a dull, aching constancy, weighing down Viktor's spirit like an anchor.

Pulling yourself towards it, you cradled the knot of guilt in your arms, finding it surprisingly heavy for something intangible. It pulsed against your chest, a living thing made of regret and sorrow. You curled around it, assuming a fetal position on the edge of Vander's mind, feeling the raw emotion seep into your core.

"Viktor," you whispered, your voice echoing through the mental landscape, "what is this?"

You sensed his spirit recoil, like a wounded animal shrinking from a helping hand. The cool precision of his essence wavered, uncertainty bleeding through. Viktor's spirit drifted closer, then further away, indecisive. You longed to reach out, to offer comfort, but the gulf between you felt insurmountable. Instead, you hugged the ball of guilt tighter, as if by shouldering Viktor's burden you could somehow ease his pain.

Slowly, reluctantly, you extricated yourself from Vander's mind. The physical world rushed back, a cacophony of sensations after the ethereal landscape you'd been navigating. You blinked, adjusting to the dim light of the greenhouse.

Vander lay on the ground, his massive form twitching slightly. His ears flicked irritably, the only outward sign that he was aware of your presence. You watched him for a moment, wondering how such a turbulent inner world could be contained in a seemingly peaceful exterior.

Viktor withdrew from Vander's mind with a sharp intake of breath, his multi-coloured eyes snapping open. He stared at you, his face carefully blank, but you could see the tension in the tightness of his jaw, the rigidness of his hands as he clasped them in his lap.

You stood cautiously, your legs wobbly from hours of sitting motionless. The small greenhouse felt thick and oppressive after the vast expanse of Vander's mind. Sweat collected on your forehead, and you wiped it away with a shaky hand. Viktor's gaze never wavered, following your every movement with an intensity that made your skin prickle.

You motioned for him to follow, not trusting yourself to speak. Your feet carried you deeper into the greenhouse, past rows of shimmering plants and budding flowers.

At last, you reached the bench tucked away in the furthest corner. You sat, patting the space beside you. Viktor hesitated, his body language screaming discomfort. After a long moment, he lowered himself onto the bench, perching on the edge as if ready to bolt at any second.

You tried not to think about the last time you'd sat here together, when playful banter had given way to heated touches and breathless sighs. The memory of his lips on your skin, his hands exploring every curve, almost derailing your thoughts. You shoved it aside, focusing on the tense line of Viktor's shoulders, the way his fingers drummed an anxious rhythm on his thigh.

You took a deep breath, steeling yourself for the conversation ahead.

"Viktor," you began, your voice pitched low, "I felt something in there. Something that wasn't Vander's." You paused, searching for the right words. "It was you. Your guilt. It's eating you alive, isn't it?"

Panic flashed in his eyes before he schooled his gaze back into careful neutrality. "I don't know what you mean," he said, but his voice lacked conviction.

He had always been rather obstinate about accepting help, but you hadn’t let that stop you from offering it before. You reached out, hesitating for a moment before placing your hand on his arm. "It's okay," you said. "You can talk to me. You’ve been there for me so many times, let me be here for you."

You watched as emotions warred across his face - fear, shame, longing. He was silent for several beats before he found his voice. "It's Sky," he admitted, his voice cracking. "I see her whenever I am…working." He laughed bitterly. "I know it's not truly her. It can't be. But…"

"But it feels real," you finished for him, well acquainted with how disorienting it can be to be unable to banish a vision you knew to be false.

Viktor nodded, his shoulders slumping. "She's a manifestation of my guilt. My failure. I should have protected her. I should not have been so reckless.”

You squeezed his arm gently, cutting off his spiral of self-recrimination. "You didn’t know that she’d come to the lab so late."

He shook his head vehemently. "You don't understand. If I had been more careful, if I had thought it through—"

“I don’t understand?” You hadn’t meant to cut him off, but you simply couldn’t get past those first three words. “Out of everyone else in this entire world, I may be the only other one who does understand.”

Viktor's eyes widened and he opened his mouth, then closed it again, words failing him. You watched as he struggled, his usual eloquence deserting him in the face of his own oversight.

"I…you're right," he managed. "I apologize. That was incredibly thoughtless of me."

The greenhouse fell silent, save for the gentle rustle of leaves and the distant hum of life outside. A bead of condensation rolled down a nearby leaf, catching the light and scattering it in a tiny rainbow. You focused on it, gathering your thoughts.

"It's okay," you said at last, your voice soft but steady. You turned to face Viktor fully, taking in the lines of exhaustion corroding his features, the way his shoulders hunched as if pressed beneath a mountain. "But you know you aren't alone in this, right? I miss her too."

The words hung in between you, fragile as spun glass. Viktor closed his eyes, his expression twisting with grief so raw it made your heart ache.

You reached out, your fingers intertwining with his. "Sky was like starlight. Brilliant and beautiful and gone too soon. But her light touched so many of us. We all carry a piece of her."

And above all else, you knew those words to be true, felt them resound in your soul.

"I’m afraid I did not know her as well as I should have. Will you tell me?" he asked, barely audible. "Tell me what you remember?"

Talking about Sky came as easily as rain did from heavy clouds - though it did not stop your heart from aching. You spoke of Sky's laughter, how it would bubble up from deep inside her, infectious and bright. You recalled the way she'd furrow her brow when concentrating, her tongue poking out just slightly. You described the feeling of her hugs, fierce and warm, as if she could pour all her love into you through that simple gesture.

As you talked, the tension slowly bled from Viktor's frame. His grip on your hand loosened, though he didn't let go. His forehead smoothed out, and his breathing evened. You could almost see the weight lifting from his shoulders, shared between the two of you now.

When your words finally ran dry, a comfortable silence settled over you both. The greenhouse had grown darker, the setting sun painting the glass walls in shades of orange and pink. A cool breeze whispered through the leaves, carrying the scent of night-blooming flowers. You could have sworn you smelled her perfume, floral and clean, but it was gone as soon as it had appeared.

A memory surfaced, sharp and clear. That first night after Viktor had awoken from his Hexcore-induced slumber, when you'd thought you were hallucinating Sky's ghostly form. Viktor had seen her too. You'd been so caught up in the nervousness of being unwell while navigating the Undercity streets, you'd almost forgotten about that strange, shared moment.

"Wait," you said, sitting up straighter. "When we were walking here after we’d left your childhood house, I saw Sky, and you said you could see her too. I’d almost forgotten it, but…" You trailed off, watching Viktor's face carefully.

His eyes widened in recognition. "I remember," he said softly. "I thought it was a side effect of the Hexcore. Or that I was going mad." He let out a shaky breath. "I still don’t entirely know what it was, if I’m being candid.”

“That thing you carry isn’t Sky, I can feel that much.”

“That’s a relief, I would not wish to imprison her in my mind.”

"It's not her,” you reaffirmed. “But maybe it's a part of her. Something she left behind." You paused, choosing your words carefully. "What if it's not just guilt manifesting? What if it's a gift?"

Viktor's forehead pinched, his thick eyebrows bunching up. "A gift? How could my failure be a gift?"

"Not your failure," you said, shaking your head. "Her legacy. Her drive to help others and make a difference. Maybe she left that with you to carry on."

Viktor was silent for a long moment, his gaze distant. When he spoke, his voice was thick and rough. "I never thought of it that way."

"You’re honouring her memory by helping others. That’s what she wanted above all else; for everyone to be given the tools they needed to thrive, to live peacefully and free from suffering." You leaned against him, wrapping your arm around his as you rested your head on his shoulder. “She’d be so proud of everything you’ve done.”

"She would be proud of you too," he said. "For all you've managed to overcome, the people you've helped."

You opened your mouth to protest, but the words died on your lips as memories flooded your mind. Charlotte's joyful glow as she regaled you with tales of her daughter. Stillwater, where your shield had stood firm against the Vander’s attacks, saving those who’d have been shredded without it. And now Vander himself, his fractured psyche slowly knitting back together under your patient support.

“Yeah,” you smiled, small and bittersweet, “I guess she would be.”

Next Chapter

A/N: Missing my girl Sky :’(

Buckle up everyone, we are getting to the big stuff! Only 4 more chapters left...

[pub-lius]

Hey, so recently I saw a post about the misogyny of hamilton, so I wanted to ask you if it was true. Not the part of misogyny (because in that time it was normal, I guess), but rather how much was? (does make sense?), did it affect the relationship with eliza or with her daughters?

Thankyu!!! (Muak)

hm okay so im not completely sure what you mean but i am going to do my darndest

So, in the time period which Hamilton was alive, which is the latter half of the 18th century, there definitely was a profound attitude of misogyny, but it was very different from what we know today. Most of our idea of sexism comes from the religious revivals of the 20th century (and people who know me know how i feel about the godforsaken 20th century when it comes to history). This is yk your typical idea of a housewife being at home, taking on the burdens of homemaking and child rearing and basically keeping everything together at home while the husband worked a stressful 9 to 5 and didn't do shit at home and weaponized incompetence and implicit biases and yadayada

This was not the case in the 18th century! 18th century gender roles are very different from what we're used to, and even more different than what the Victorians and Edwardians considered the norm. This is especially visible in Hamilton's relationship with women, so I'm quite excited to talk about this.

Firstly, I want to talk about the joker to my batman: Ron Chernow. A major theory he supports in his biography of Hamilton is the two sided nature of Hamilton's perception of women. He says that there is a clear distinction between two "types" of women in Hamilton's wife-- the good, Christian mistress of the house and the stupid, mentally unstable skank. These are his terms. I want to hit him in the head with a brick.

"Together, the two eldest [Schuyler] sisters formed a composite portrait of Hamilton's ideal woman, each appealing to a different facet of his personality. Eliza reflected Hamilton's earnest sense of purpose, determination, and moral rectitude, while Angelica exhibited his worldly side- the wit, charm, and vivacity that so delighted people in social intercourse." -Ron Chernow, Alexander Hamilton, page 133

Yeah, this is horseshit. It gets worse when he compares Elizabeth Hamilton and Maria Reynolds on page 367, but I'm not going to get started because I won't stop. And this isn't about him anyway.

Instead, I want to talk about WHY this is horseshit. First of all, even Alexander "thinks with the wrong head" Hamilton didn't have this fucked up mindset, because it is heavily based in 20th century evangelicalism that didn't even exist in Hamilton's world.

Yes, obviously there was religious attitudes that condemned certain actions from women, but this was not as intense as in later periods. In the 18th century, an upperclass woman, such as Elizabeth Hamilton, would be responsible for maintaining the household, but this meant being in charge of the servants rather than doing the work herself. The work she did do would be maintaining the finances and the family's reputation.

Reputation was everything in the 18th century, and this especially applied to women. Not only did they have to maintain their own reputations, but they had to raise their children to have the skills necessary to do the same, and often had to fill in for their husbands in this department if they held public office. It's very difficult to maintain your reputation if you're beating people with walking sticks in the Continental Congress.

When it came to lower and middle class women, their jobs weren't different in that they carried an equally important role in the family. They would be doing household chores just as well as their husband, and these weren't easy chores that made women "feeble". They very often took a lot of physical strength and endurance, and it wasn't considered unladylike for women to do "men's" chores while their husbands were away. This isn't to say that women in later eras didn't do the same, but it wasn't as publicly frowned upon.

Hamilton had a very unique perspective as he was witness to both sides of this coin. His mother, a single, working class mother would be juggling both the man and woman's role. I think it was really this background that allowed him to have a much more informed perspective on womanhood. He was one of the few men in this period that I've seen write from the perspective of a woman, specifically a grieving mother.

"For the sweet babe, my doting heart Did all a mother's fondness feel; Careful to act each tender part And guard from every threatening evil. But what alas! availed my care? The unrelenting hand of death, Regardless of a parent's prayer Has stopped my lovely infant's breath-" -Papers of Alexander Hamilton, volume 1, page 43.

Chernow attributes this to Hamilton's deeply empathetic nature, which is fair, however I think it also shows that he was able to understand a woman's experience specifically.

I say this because Hamilton does tell us a little bit about exactly what was expected of women in the time during Elizabeth's first pregnancy in a letter that is usually used to call him a sexist, but I think it's a little more complex than that. Here's the excerpt:

"You shall engage shortly to present me with a boy. You will ask me if a girl will not answer the purpose. By no means. I fear, with all the mothers charms, she may inherit the caprices of her father and then she will enslave, tantalize and plague one half [the] sex, out of pure regard to which I protest against a daughter. So far from extenuating your offence this would be an aggravation of it." -Alexander Hamilton to Elizabeth Hamilton, October 12, 1781

In this letter, Hamilton isn't telling Elizabeth that he wants a boy to inherit his fortune, to carry on his name, or the other reasons that were given by his contemporaries for preferring sons over daughters. He specifically states that his reasons are his fear that his traits will be passed onto his children, and that if its a daughter, she will be more discriminated against than his son because of her sex. Essentially, it was easier to be a gay son in the 18th century than a thot daughter. In that question, Hamilton would choose gay son because he knew that men were generally less criticized than women.

So, I'm not saying Hamilton wasn't sexist, because, by definition, he was. He was taught that women were fundamentally different than men, but he didn't look down on women for that, because that simply wasn't normal. You wouldn't be a gentleman if you looked down on a woman for being physically and psychologically different from a man, you'd be an asshole. While their interpretations of these differences don't align with what modern medicine has determined, they weren't the same as in the later eras in American history. Women were, most certainly, oppressed because of these perceived differences, but it was a different system of oppression than what typically defines our idea of sexism.

It's hard to say if it affected Hamilton's relationship with his wife and daughters, as there isn't any real written proof, but I imagine Hamilton's attitude specifically towards women did make their relationship different than other fathers, daughters, husbands, and wives of the time. We do know that Hamilton was a very hands on father who dedicated a lot of time and care towards his children, and he did not treat his daughters any differently than his sons. He put the same amount of energy into their education, though they weren't educated in the same thing, and he seemed to be equally close with all his children.

Hamilton and women is a very interesting topic, and it gets more complicated when it comes to Rachel Faucette and Maria Reynolds and those parallels, but that is a topic for another time. Good thing its women's history month! Hope this helped :)

[skyrimmaxxing]

🧷 intro ദ്ദി(˵ •̀ ᴗ - ˵ ) ✧

haiii i made this account to mess with one of my friends but i have been foiled so personal(?) blog it is! ive been on tumblr off and on for years but ive basically never posted so here i go lol

uhmm im 19. she/her pronouns. i probably won't post anything too personal so don't worry about that (if i do i'll tag it). otherwise just whatever thoughts i have any maybe some art ✧◟( •⌄• )

i love video games. my current favs tend to jump all over the place but don't starve and skyrim have been consistant since i was like 12 so good for me ig. i also love pokémon, botw/totk, undertale. currently playing bg3 and having the time of my life!!!!

i'm into music like oingo boingo, will wood, jack stauber, rio romeo (and more but that's enough for now)

follow me if you like video games and inane rambling. im pretty shy but i will try my darndest to interact with people (๑•̀ㅂ•́)و no promises i wont forget this exists in like a week but we'll see

[robespeeair]

A Serious™ Long Post

Back on June 6th, I made a bunch of pretty casual posts about writing a new musical based on the barricade part of Les Mis. To be honest, I didn’t take myself seriously in that moment because even if the music turned out ok, the libretto would almost certainly be a dumpster fire; I’m not a natural at poetry at all. But then I actually composed music for a show and it’s a whole thing now??? I’m wrapping up my rough draft right now.

The current title is Revolutions Are Not Built of Paving Stones, which is based on Enjolras’s “horizon that is visible from the top of the barricade” speech (which is a whole song in the show because how could I not?). It uses a cast of 10 people (every ami +Marius), and a undefined amount of national guardsmen. Everyone plays multiple characters, especially going into the second act, which deals with what happens after the barricade, but more on that later.

Instrumentation (for those who care) is piano, string quartet, two flutes, clarinet in Bb, bassoon, and a singular™ percussionist. This is really small for a pit band, but I’m pretty hellbent on having an actual ensemble when this hopefully gets performed next year at some point, so I kept it to a reachable size. As a whole, the musical is quite small. It’s probably about an hour long, but it’s dense, if that makes sense.

It’s really hard for me to know exactly what to write about a whole music, and I certainly have never finished a project this substantial until now, so I’m just gonna list things I think are cool about it:

I wrote a madrigal for the wedding scene, and I’ve never done fifth species counterpoint so hard in my life.

I always found the Le Cabuc interaction interesting, and there’s a musical number for that

Do you permit it? (Need I say more?)

Separate Jehan death scene and yes it is super sad(also, Jehan is played by the lead soprano, who also plays Cosette, Gavroche, and someone else I’m leaving as a surprise)

The “five less, one more” song slaps pretty hard imo

Marius sees ghosts, mostly in the second act, but also once in the first act (it’s his dad)

Lots of pants parts

I definitely have not included everything I ought to have in this post, but the basic idea of it this: i did a whole musical thingy and im gonna try my darndest to get it performed and recorded.

[bma-2020]

Okiedok here’s the delio. I have a list of all the blogs from the last six months who’s actively either responded to a meme i sent, responded to a message ive sent, replied to something regarding mally herself, has actually written with me, written a starter for me from my liking a starter call, has at least liked a starter i wrote for them to awknowedge it exists, all that jazz, i have a lot of open field so it’s not just a possible tumblr didnt let them no option anymore, because i send memes to everyone who posts them that i see. I reply to most peoples ooc posts. I like most starter calls I pass by. I try my darndest to actually interact bc i know how it feels to be ignored and its… i’ve been called one before so i’m using the word, thats fluffing cunty behavior, and honestly if you complain about not being interacted with but never even try when i try with you, ya being cunty, end of. I gotta list. That list only entails Mally because she’s who I care about the most. I’m probably gonna start instilling a new rule in all my blogs that if you ignore Mally and/or Darcy( @tasedandconfused ), since I would say they’re my two main blogs tho darcy gets ignored even more than mally does, probably bc i denied canon and left it entirely we know fandom hates that, if either of them is ignored then… Ya out of luck, I’m gonna unfollow you. I’m debating soft blocking everyone who ignored me on both of them but I don’t want to like be mean and deny the chance to eventually try again but at the same time i shouldnt feel bad for taking a stand and saying this is bullsheet, idk my anxiety says im awful for giving a fluff about myself but also i should give a fluff about myself probably, ive nearly died in the last three months, my brain almost exploded, i just had three root canals on one corner of my face, i have to potentially get surgery on my inner ear which i cant even afford, i dont got time to deal with only being used for like smut memes or like as a resource blog or utter bs like that, i dont got time for it. So new rules here. 1: If Mally or Darcy are not acknowledged, written with, responded to, viewed as more than just their fluffing bodies? ya dropped, im unfollowing, potentially soft blocking, which means blocking and unblocking for those not in the know, on all accounts I follow you on. Every single one. I know most of my muses are on sideblogs but despite not being able to send memes from sideblogs you can block people from sideblogs fun fact, i will do that if i have to. 2: I’m gonna be posting SCs, PCs, memes, etc. I like and respond to plotting calls, starter calls, i send memes, all of that. If I don’t get any response within.. I’m giving one week for people who don’t run on a queue and a month and a half to people on a queue based system, if i dont get anything within that time like at least an im being like ‘its posted’ or ‘its queued i wanted to let you know in case tumblrs a fluffbutt’ (i do this sometimes if i dont get even just a like on the starters i post so i at least know people saw it since i know tumblrs bs, i wait until the day they’re active to do so in case theyre busy yknow) basically i need acknowledgment at all. No you can’t claim this is abt follower count bc when you unfollow someone they inevitably unfollow you too, thats gonna drop my following, not as quickly as soft blocking would but i wanna be fair i guess, which leads to: 3: I’m basing this on your activity too, like if i like a think and you’re gone for a month after that its fine, im not gonna unfollow you unless you never come back or youre online and posting others just not mine because that tells me youre specifically ignoring me and im gonna drop you for that end of. I’m done with the bullsheet im done w the dillish behavior, i love friendship but if im giving and never receiving thats extremely one way and not gonna work. I check through my follow list weekly and i go back about five-10 pages on someones feed before i unfollow them to see their actual activity and see if theyre here or if its a q so. I’m thorough basically. 4: You dont have to be active with me on all your blogs, i mean i’d prefer it but thats hard as fluff so essentially if you have like five blogs and are just like trying w me on two or three thats fine. Ten blogs, four or five with at least a plot formed is cool. Multis just one muse is all I’d need. I’m not gonna unfollow the blogs youre not writing w me on if you at least write w me on some. Again, specifically Mally and/or Darcy. If you ignore both of them, we’re done. I havent been active on darcy because of being ignored and its a huge butt mess and im just tired i wanna use my babies, you don’t get to have my ‘better’ muses like i know a lot of ppl only follow me for my boys or my villains, you don’t get them if you ignore my baby. But, there is a limit there too. 5: If you never respond to a meme or thread even once with Mally or Darcy, or post a starter, i reply, its never replied to again after a month, I’m unfollowing and/or soft blocking for that too. Bc that means youre just raising my hopes to fluff with me or get someone else and honestly, youre even more cunty than than the people just flat out ignoring me if you do that. And this isnt a specific person, this is five of the people actually on my list. Yes, my list is also annotated with specifics again I was very thorough on this yesterday, I hyperfixated I’ll admit it, I’m in a fluffing depressionary bubble and being told to get over it because people want something they dont deserve to have to. I am a believer that people deserve good things but if youre purposefully being cunty… no you dont. 6: No I’m not releasing my list, maybe I will and I’ll omit the urls because I don’t want people being buttholes to each other too but otherwise, yall not seeing it im not giving a callout because… really thats just unnecessary here. I don’t think yall are toxic people or something i just think yall are unintentionally being cunty. And no I don’t mean everyone that follows me i mean the ppl that add up to what i’ve documented so far and fit the bill of butthat that i’ve shown, its behaviors yall gotta check before ya wreck. Yes there will be some people who have priority, everyone has those people, I write w kathryn on other platforms since she doesnt go on here as often but when Kathryn returns from war here (if she does cause she also agrees most ppl on this platform are cunty, i feel really bad saying that word so often but im gonna keep doing it i recently deleted an ask saying I was a huge cunt for not sending someone smut memes when I didn’t even follow them or know they existed so, again the travesty of this place is nutballers) same with owly, alex is here too, my most active partners are always going to be priority because theyre the ones who show the most interest and the most care. I understand that with others as well which is why I have the timeframe set up, because I want to be as open and shizz as possible while atill being firm i guess. I don’t want to have extreme double standards like its impossible for double standards not to exist at least a little bit but I want to avoid a golden chest full of them I guess. 7: I don’t have a seven rn, this was an even number and it bothered me. Seven is nust my warning that I’m bittery writing this on mobile so formatting is not real but i tried my dandest to make this look like something people might actually mind. I dont want to be butty, i dont want to be awful, i dont want to start drama or have drama but that shizz comes around anyways so i might as well make my space as okay for me as i can cause im supposed to avoid stress so my brain doesnt almost explode again, like again i almost fluffing died i dont need ppl fake being my friend or anything, i want stuff to be real and clear. I want to be happy to be on here again and have fun like i used to since my health is plummetting and I’m not allowed to go outside near plants by myself anymore because i welt up. I have plants outside my work place and im surrounded by chemicals all day long I’m welted from here to new york constantly and never comfortable in my own skin because of it and constantly see people online acting like these actual real problems are pretentious because ‘its an excuse’ when, im a fluffing sagittarius, do you know how much i want to magically be a millionaire so i can pay for friends and my own medical stuff and go on traveling and adventures, be outside probably not camping bc as a pagan i know thats a death sentence but like be outside, lay on grass, go back to swimming because i used to swim competitively and due to health reasons i can barely even go in a pool anymore because theres too much sunlight which, bit plot twist i know, im fluffing allergic to vitamin D and the rays of the sun, so go figure, attempts to be healthy kill me more, i also cant eat most plants and am constantly dying from just eating food, they dont know whats wrong with me. i cant fix it by going ve/gan for a month inf act i tried and it almost made my heart stop thanks society. These arent excuses these are the lives of disabled and diseased and to a lesser but still very real point, ethnic lives every fluffing day. This is real shit and its murder and online and gaming? It may be all I have soon since I can’t just go out and make new friends cause, again, I’d fluffing die. I get sick going to the mall or the movie theater, I miss theme parks so much but have to minimize it to weeks i dont have work so i dont get fired for having a welt while working in the beauty industry. I may have to get a degree online and change my field entirely because of my illness that nobody understands. People even make fun of it constantly online and I wish I could just drop online entirely because of how unbelievably ableist the entirety of the world is, i wish i could drop humans in general for their ableism, but i cant. I don’t have choices in most cases, but throwing away people who maybe purposefully maybe unintentionally thats why i’m giving you this warning and will be repeating this warning for awhile, this is where i have choice. I have to use what little choice I have in life while I can since everytime i go to movies or a concert or a theme park i almost die because of not having an immune system that functions or being in certain air qualities pr being near plants or unclean people, I may not have much time and I gotta do whats best for what little mental health I have, and if that means dropping people i care about and really want to write with and do things with but who ignore me then, i guess so be it.

[notjusthespongenextdoor]

just suddenly remembered this one time i was sitting in my step-mom’s living room (because i didn’t have my own room there...in that big fucking house...) tapping away on my laptop and she goes “what are you doing” and i told her i was writing a screenplay, because that’s what i was doing, and she just said something like, “see this is why i always ask, you just never know” and she might have even like... turned to my dad and said that??? and that’s where the conversation ended??? and looking back on this im just

ok yes i am starting to put into words why i never wanted to share what i was doing with them, because like. she could have asked what it was about. or expressed some sort of encouragement or wonder that i was doing that. or continued the conversation in literally any way. but no, it was just this statement that basically translated to me as “haha, kids do the darndest things” and then just went back to watching tv

like. OKAY.JPG

[canella-blogs]

howdy!

hello my guys,, gals,, and non-binary pals!

my name is Canella,, and i wanted to make this text post to basically introduce myself!

without further ado,, let's get down to business (to defeat, the huns)! ;

as stated above,, my name is Canella, and this is my page! I am not new to tumblr- i have another account however that one is my personal account where i follow my friends and stuff,, so i wanted to make this account where i can hopefully talk more with you strangers!

im from the United States,, the south if you couldn't tell from the title,, with English as my only language (however im doing my diddly darndest to learn French as well).

i am into many many many different fandoms,, just a few examples (in no specific order) include;

supernatural

doctor who

sherlock

good omens

my hero academia

among many other shows and animes.

i absolutely adore making new friends,, so if you ever feel compelled to message me- go for it! im not really sure if anyone will even stumble upon my page,, but its worth a shot.

although i do find myself in many fandoms, you can see me posting about a variety of things in the future,, such as positive quotes and compliments,, dumb and funny jokes,, relatable blogs,, and albeit some fandom related content.

last but not least,, i will accept no!! exactly zero!! cyber bullying,, rudeness,, discrimination,, or basically anything disrespectful of another persons existence,, on my profile. everyone is safe and welcome here.

thank you so much for reading this if you stumble upon my profile! if you have any questions (nothing personal) about me or my profile,, comment or shoot me a message!!

canella,, out. *mic drop*

[malcomblue]

Calling Christian

His name is Christian. He has a dog named Damion. He is a baker. He has goals to be a surgeon. He is kind. Obviously smart. Incredibly cute. He was born in Arkansas. He's a city away and is making the effort today to come and see me. We spoke on the phone for 2 hours about what we like, how we grew up, who we've been with, our future goals, our personality traits. We basically complemented each other for 2 & 1/2 hours over the phone and Snapchat. He told me he feels a spark. A connection. A click. But he can't be with me because he is still in the closet. And more than likely will stay there. Everyone Will tell me, that I should avoid him and not fall for him because I'm only going to be heart broken because i will eventually want more than he can give me. But I am going to go on the date. Im gonna laugh. We're gonna make out. We're gonna feel each other's desire burn like wild fire. Life is too short for me to pass up a cute guy who wants to get to know me, which he does. I wont have sex with him though. That is a promise to myself. And now I guess you guys. If you're reading this. Not because I dont want to. I just don't want to have sex with him. And then he never sees me again. I'd rather be his friend. I hope we can make a friendship. And if we end up caring about each other... Then maybe we can have sex. I'd like to have sex with someone who cares about me for a change. I'm gonna try my darndest to have fun and not think about the fact that more than likely we won't be a couple. Do I hope? Of course. I literally just wrote about this earlier. So he is gonna pick me up, then we are going to the Japanese Tea Garden, because I've never been. Then maybe get coffee at a place he likes and wants me to try. Then maybe we will find a park and talk and get to know each other better. Then he said he'd like to walk around the mall. I'm a little worried about the mall because someone might see us and know right away that I'm gay. I'm hoping not. For His sake. And for the sake of our friendship. He is really sweet and I pray everything goes smoothly and to our favor. Am I expecting a love story to come out of this? No. Not at all. I just expect to have a great time with this really fucking cute guy. And then come home and tell you guys all about it. And maybe someday when I'm older I'll look back and read this blog entry and the one that follows and smile because I was young and in love with life and living. And I got to spend a day with a really cute guy who thinks im super attractive.

Well

Goodnight everyone.

Im excited.

Yours truly, - "Malcom Blue"

Snapchat: Amazingmat21

Instagram: malcom.blue

Twitter: @bluemalcom

3/11/2019

[acetechne]

Ringing in the new year with a ref I’ve been meaning to do 5ever. Hope to draw this gal lots, it’s just ironing out the bugs with repetition as with most of my underdrawn kiddos.

Hally is a collab with @quatschmachen​ and @randomoranges​ and started as a throwaway character for a fic but we’ve all grown a wee bit attached.

BASICS

Name: Halifax Human Name: [TBA] Founded: 1749 Sign: Cancer PHYSICAL

Body Type: Round. Will outlast you in the winter. Also pure rock hard MUSCLE, this girl can operate a cannon. (Height TBA- medium tall ish?) Hair: Auburn (red/brown). Curly/kinky. Usually worn down in pigtails? Eyes: Light hazel, blue splash. (Shoot the green i used looks blue will fix asap) Ethnicity: Black + British Isles heritage Other: Large burn scar (tbd)

PERSONAL

General: A hardy and cheerful seafaring girl who rarely acts her age. Hally avoids conflict at all costs, really, except when there’s money to be made (which is always). A notorious flirt with a spirited (pun intended) sense of humour. Intensely loyal to those she considers good friends, occasionally at the price of her own moral compass  Likes: tbdd   Dislikes: tbd

HISTORY

- To be Continued

- No seriously i do have notes but its 1 am on new years im tired

- Hali represents the regional municipality of Halifax as well as the historical former town/city. The other members of the HRM are her pals (maybe).

BIASED HAPO FACTS

- Sadly I have no first hand experience with Halifax- I have a bad tendency to fly right over the Atlantic provinces to visit the UK. My primary contact with Halifax is Living in Alberta where everyone’s come to work and also my dear dear friend Rhin.

- also i had to listen to barretts privateers on repeat for like a month and im sure one day i’ll end up broken on a halifax pier too

- Every Haligonian I have met has been absolutely Delightful.

- I have a fairly modest grasp on the broad strokes of NS history and Halifax by extension and like… this is a gal who’s entire economy has been privateer-ing and war profiteering and she’s doing her darndest to look beyond that, maybe by the end of this century she’ll get the hang of it!

- also polar opposite of my local history so by default fascinating- here we have an imperial center who can’t agriculture to save her life (but she can swipe snacks on occasion to share with her Real Friends in new england and Will drink you under the table). I live in the bit of the country that could have would have should have been important, was zillions of miles away from any americans for ages, and was incredibly happy to grow several small potatoes in those early days. 

- apparently lettuce in donairs is a no no, oops :x;;;;

[chaeunwoo-archive]

moonbin | astro

(done with @rockoaroundthechristmastree, @rockytheastroid​, @astrofireworks​, @jinwoosmile, @ongbins and @jakganim)

MASTERLIST LINK

1998 Jan 26

Cheongju son

Visual 4/6

How to recognise moonbean: smol upper lip, looks like a cat

JUST FUCKIN SHOOK US BY APPEARING WITH BLUE-GREY HAIR WHAT THE HECK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Baby: red, crescent moon

Was a child actor/model

liSTEN

BABY MOONBIN 

IS MY SHIT !!!!!!

Baby Binnie singing

GROWN UP BIN RECREATING IT

Baby Binnie doing the train song!!

GROWN UP BIN RECREATING THE TRAIN SONG

A full cutie / Baby Bin charming everyone  / Bin and Sua playing

Was also in a Samsung CF jesus christ what a cutie 

Appeared as Baby Yunho in DBSK’s Balloons

Bet you didn’t know he had a dance practice video too

I love embarrassing Bin videos I need a video of him reacting to this

More embarrassing videos he’s bringing sexy back y’all

Was also in Boys Over Flowers as baby F4

cute-ass nicknames

Resident “pupcat” for looking ‘chic’ when he’s straight faced and being energetic and happy and puppy-like when he smiles

문비글: moon beagle because he gets all excited i love him 

“YuNo Moonbin” because Baby Yunho in DBSK’s Balloons

“Jelly boy” because of his one line in Confession (“Hey baby 그 앨 잊어“ = “hey baby, forget about him”) that sounded like “hey baby 겔리줘” (hey baby, give me jelly)

콩 = bean

차은우 덕후 = Cha Eunwoo Maniac 

Listen he’s such a big Eunwoo stan 

#TeamSoap (Just so you know, arohas didn’t come up with the name ‘Binu’, they came up with it (”Team Soap”) themselves )

explained it by saying 빈 (Bin) + 우 (Woo) = 비누 (Soap)

Roommates

Picked each other in OK!Ready and have been living in the same room ever since

in the recent Night Night show they did Eunwoo said that if he could pick roommates again, he’d still pick Bin 

Used to call eunwoo (은우) “eu-noo” (으누) as a cute nickname 

“Eu-noo Eu-noo Cha-Eu-Noo!!”

Eunwoo saved Bin on his phone (predebut though, idk how accurate this is rn) as 달콩 (literally translates into moon bean) and fun fact coincidence or not you decide it’s also the second half of 알콩달콩 (lovey dovey) :’) 

Jokes aside he’s really Eunwoo’s best friend he’s Eunwoo’s hypeman 

Claims Eunwoo is the most beautiful creature on earth

“Is he really human? How can someone that looks like him exist?”

Eunwoo thinks Bin is the most handsome I love supportive friends ;u;

Bin to Sanha during the 600 day broadcast: did i say you can take the meat

Also Bin: feeds Eunwoo “be careful it’s hot”

문초딩: basically saying he has a mind of a nine year old i’m crying i bet he giggles at dick jokes 

쿨빈: “cool bin” i mean he’s cool sometimes i guess,,,,,, a nerd, 

Also recently pointed out during ASC as the sexiest member in astro so

빈스틸러: “bin stealer” - basically (sf9 taeyang voice) scene steAlerRr 

정수리감별사: he can distinguish people by smelling the top of their heads bless him 

Has a ridiculously refined sense of olfaction - can literally smell every member apart from one another 

Literally suffers every time he’s asked to do this by mcs; has done it on Weekly Idol and Immigration and the latest Special Sunday

문밥: mOON RICE THE CUTEST NICKNAME because he loves to eat bless his soul

loves babies to no end

But so does the whole of astro so

can run real fuckin fast

Got a silver medal in ISAC, got beat out by his buddy Woosung form Snuper only because Woosung’s chest touched the ribbon 0.02 seconds before bless

plays the piano!

Was close to ikon’s Chanwoo and sf9’s Chani and also childhood friends with gfriend’s SinB

THE CUTEST LISTEN he was Chani’s OG “Bin hyung” 

Once he met Moonbin in the airport and yelled, “BIN HYUNG!!” and Youngbin got so bitter that Chani called Moonbin “bin hyung” he went on sf9’s vlive a month afterwards to complain and said it was a stab to his heart asjdlhf I love them

Also friends with Seungkwan and Vernon from SVT :’)

LOVES EATING I LOVE THIS SO MUCH 

Joined the fantz and “Right since the start I told the company that I hope they don’t interfere when it comes to food.” this bitch im rly cryign ilove him

Steals MJ’s food, and also probably everyone else’s

Videos of him eating is my passion 

Apparently used to make pancakes really often predebut with Astro :’)

Claims to not really like bread but has an entire vlive of him eating bread with rocko

Apparently hates red bean, egg yolks and tofu and chocolate and fish 

Still tried to drink the chocolate drink jinjin(?) won from nimdle even though he hates chocolate what is this boy doing

Actually eats so much omg my fave Bin concept is Bin eating 

Literally gets fed by EVERYONE ALL THE TIME (peep nimdle broadcast and also his actual CEO getting their manager to buy him [and Eunwoo] food every 10 flippin minutes)

Gets a free pass to do anything anywhere on a vlive??? Gets meat to hold a BBQ party 

Holds his own muk-bang broadcasts, on days where he “can’t eat much” still eats for one meal 2 servings of kbbq, a bowl of rice, a large bowl of stew and finishes off with a large bowl of naengmyeon. son, 

sleeps a lot

Literally though sanha and jinjin posted a twitter video of them trying to wake bin up it doesn’t work it apparently only works when eunwoo gets him to wake up

Sleeps through sanha and jinjin prodding him but wakes up when eunwoo starts talking in a vlive

Bin said in the harper’s bazaar interview that he doesn’t wake up when the manager calls him to get up but his eyes naturally open when he hears Eunwoo sighing (creds to @astrotranslations)

Bin’s mom even sent in a concern to hello counsellor bc he wouldn’t stop sleeping and couldn’t wake up so really… eunwoo = magic?

Sister is YG trainee Moon Su-Ah

Not sure if she’s still in that disgusting man’s dungeon or if she’s switched companies, pls pray 4 her 

She’s a year younger than him and appeared on Unpretty Rapstar

Once Bin went on in the audience wow he was so handsome in that episode bless up

Cannot deal with doing aegyo for the life of him, but is actually super duper naturally adorable

KNOWS he’s cute, in his friggin line play profile he says he’s ASTRO’s cutie so there’s that

Tried to out-aegyo himself once what a fuckin cutie

Loves the dinosaur claw

Oddly talented at using the claw machine even though he said he was horrible but Hyuksoo called him out on it

Showed us a forehead Once during the Growl collab stage with KNK and Snuper (bless their souls pls support the Holy Trinity I’m not saying this collab stage turned me into a Moonbin/Sangil stan but it 100% did)

SWEATER PAWS

His dedication to the sweater paws is incredible 

Soft voice, cute voice, slightly grainy

It’s so distinctive you can tell it’s his voice during songs 

Says dumb things sometimes 

“MY NAME IS MOONBEAN”

“I ANOTHER GIRL LIKE”

”YOU GO HOME”

Once upon a time, a barista - he attempted to make a heart in a latte but made a carrot lookin thing instead (but he tried his darndest)

For context he worked in the fantagio cafe when he was a trainee to make pocket money and to get to interact with people 

Was then asked to make a latte heart but failed asjdhflaskj he’s so pure, Pls tell him it looks like a heart ;; all he wants is validation

Makes cute high pitched squealing noises when laughing/embarrassed

Apparently had Crazy Sexy Cool written for him as a solo track djfaslhdkjfahlsdkf a fullass blessing 

Mouth corners curve up up up and into his cheeks when he smiles his eyes disappear it’s the cutest thing my heart stops every single time 

Stops my heart when he’s not smiling too 

Would do anything to see him smile 

GRUMPY AS HECK WHEN HE WAKES UP 

Pouts immediately it’s so cute my heart is weak he’s exactly like a cat 

Trained the longest out of all of ASTRO, at least under Fantagio

Is called “ancient” in some DDOCA hashtags because he and rocko trained under fantagio for 7 years

Is the longest running member of the Fantagio fam, not counting the CEO

Apparently called Manager Moon what a pure bean 

Listen we were just talking about this the other day but in 40 years we’re going to wonder about what happened to astro then we’ll google fantagio and something will pop up and it’ll say something like “Moonbin, previously part of idol group Astro, now CEO of Fantagio”

Is a BTS stan smdh 

Knows the choreo to literally all of BTS’s songs, including I Need U and DNA smdh 

Introduced to Jungkook by Seungjun (now KNK, previously a Bighit trainee) 

Got a (literal) shout out too? At Gayo Daejun 

Made friends with him and exchanged contact info and has been messaging him :’)

A GOOD PHOTOGRAPHER

Took some predebut photos and also took pictures for the spring up and summer vibes PCs !!! 

Photographer name: 달콩작가 (moon bean photographer) :’)

[thesymski]

by putting her in the same level of isolation as the “science jerks” would have? mmmmm no, sorry, being “protective” isn’t an excuse to take another year of this girl’s life from her.

and let’s not forget uhhhh she has Actually Terrifying Superpowers so when he, a person she trusted, put her right back in isolation after she finally had a taste of what friends were like???? he literally was just trying his Darndest to make a supervillain at that point it wasn’t just el he was endangering, it was everyone.

and with “halfway happy” he completely disregarded her real reason for wanting to go trick-or-treating. you know it wasn’t about the candy, i know it wasn’t about the candy, but most importantly, jim knew it was zero percent about the candy, but acted as if he were compromising by bringing her some candy, when he got 100% his way and she got 0% hers.

and when he took away the tv, that showed what he thought of it. the tv was her only activity, this thread of connection to the outside world. that was the only social life she could have that he deemed safe. and he thought fit to take it away as a punishment. that shows he thinks of that as a privilege, a gift he gave her, instead of a substitute for a literal basic human need, and it doesn’t matter that he was angry or whatever, he still thought that was something he could take away.

so yeah uhhh a lot of scenes with the two of them read similar to rapunzel and mother gothel and like i don’t care that it was “for her protection” there’s a million better ways to do it and i stand by my “jim hopper sucks”

also like. im giving him the benefit of the doubt on this one and assuming. this was actually supposed to be a good hiding spot but uhhhhh,,, , if i were looking for someone on the run, a nearby cabin in the woods that hasn't been used in years that suddenly has the owner going every day and bringing food to would be one of my first places to check, so it's not like he was helping her be super inconspicuous and this is what made her safe, but again, im forgiving that count.

[a-spec-tacular]

(ahahaah so im not great at drawing people but im doing my darndest ok) so this is Meira, and she is the champion of the light chosen to combat the all-consuming darkness that threatens everything. People have powers in this world, and light powers basically mean you’re the chosen one, which is something she’s always been pretty indifferent toward, which is kinda funny cause she’s pretty much the most powerful being in the world, rivaled only by the literal embodiment of darkness (a woman named Mideva). She’s a demiromantic asexual individual and she ends up with her best friend (who’s named Chelsea and has wings and is an a g g r e s s i v e lesbian)

ihopeyoulikeitiwasreallynervoustosubmitthisandimreallyemotionallyinvestedinthisstorythatillprobablyneverwrite

[astralnymphh]

so I do some writing for fun and stuff, but yours is so good, like how do you write so DELICIOUSLY. Cause sometimes I feel like posting it but I don’t cause I overthink

<333

thank you <<3 honestly im a mf highschool dropout with a long–standing passion for writing and poetry so this means a lot 2 me💗💗 but if u want some real tips..

only write when u feel inspired, never force urself to write!! Ur pieces will FEEL very well done if u just go with the flow, that's what I do!!

creativity over rules/complicated words anyday. if u can explain something in the utmost otherworldly way then that beats trying to sound smart or wordy, if u get my gist. my jizz. 🤍

watch TV or read books, listen to how dialogue is structured, and just study the sentence formats in certain pieces. obviously not copying but taking note and twisting it/applying it ur own writings. also music. music helps a lot.

try ur darndest to visualize ur scenes step by step atom by damn atom. what is ur character doing? how are they doing it? how do they move their hands?? slowly? hesitantly? are they handling an object?? whats the texture similar to? these r very basic but like I visualize in detail saur..

when ur writing, read it like a storyteller– with accents and pitches that match the emotion of each line. I read my shit like a narrorator in a movie 🤣🤣 helps it feel real

also I use word hippo as my thesaurus. always have that on hand if I'm stumped or forgot a word lolll

hope this helped 💗💗 ur works will age finely with time and practice. overthinking is normal so don't worry bout that either, take ur time!