#based off of euphoria so it's not my idea! just saying

[moodymisty]

I would love to give the primarchs a massage, just the idea of these massive men who are constantly at war turning into puddles under the hands of their lover. And maybe offering to return the favor 😏

Author's note: I feel like sanguinius' wings would ache after long battles <3 Relationships: Sanguinius/Gn!Reader Warnings: None really

"Sigh..."

At first, Sanguinius would reject attention such as this; Insist he didn't need it, and that the gesture was wasted. He didn't want to seem weak or didn't want to be the center of your affection, you couldn't quite tell. Or perhaps it was both. Now so much deeper into your relationship he's much more allowing of such attention, stomach curling as he hunches in relaxation.

Now he allows it, because he knows you enjoy it just as much as he does.

His wings twitch happily as you press against the sore muscles at their base, flying and holding them tense for so long has cause them to become tight and strained. Your gentle hands do wonders in loosening them, along with the warm water of the bath. He's the closest he's yet gotten to euphoria- just peace and happiness. Even if for only a little while.

"They're always so sore..."

You mumble to yourself, feeling the sections where his armor dug into the skin. Sanguinius has plates that wrap around the base of his wings to keep them safe; One cut of a tendon could render him flightless for a period of time.

"I use them quite a bit, love."

He feels you smack his shoulder, the water adding a wet plap to his skin. Your hands slide along his wet skin, droplets sliding downward. His feathers repel most of the water, but he still holds them somewhat out of the water to keep from having to preen them all over again.

"You know what I mean."

Sanguinius chuckles at you, feeling your lips press against the dip between his shoulderblades.

"I do, but it is quite fun to tease you. Perhaps I would stop if you didn't always have such a reaction."

He still can't see your face, but he can hear your disgruntled sigh and chuckles again. He's smiling as well; A real one, one that actually reaches his eyes and makes their lovely color brighter and warmer.

Pushing against his shoulders harder trying to soothe his deeper muscles you feel his body relax more, leaning forward a bit more harshly as he looses tension. His wings twitch a bit more, before he stretches them and feels how much less sore and aching he is already.

"I'm well enough, come back where I can see you."

You shake your head despite him being unable to see it, though he can probably hear the shifting of your body in the water.

"I'll be done in a bit," You say, feeling the brush of his feathers against your arm as you push towards the base of his wing. He lets it droop a bit, the tips of some feathers dipping into the warm water.

"I should do your hair after this..." You mumble to yourself, an action which has Sanguinius turning around to snatch you off the step you're on, pulling you to sit on his lip.

"I wasn't done!"

You quickly complain, grumbling discontent as Sanguinius leans down and nuzzles his face into your neck. He hums happily, and you can feel him relax as he breathes in your scent and feels the thrum of your heart in your artery.

"Shush, you. I can wash my hair later. Let me just enjoy you for awhile."

[greer2301]

My Mothers Keeper

Daemon X Fem!Reader

|Step father x step kid fantasy taboo|

Reader is of age!

Smut! MDNI !

He looked so good, his blonde hair cut short, brows pulled together as he leant back and took a sip of his wine with his free hand thudding his fingers along the edge of the table.

I know what those fingers feel like. The euphoria they bring me when he plays with the bundle of nerves between my legs, I know how they fit in my mouth and how my juices taste on them. Daemon Targaryen, my step father, my mother’s keeper and the only man to know what I truly desire.

He sat conversing with Jace about his swordsmanship, he didn’t give away if he noticed my hand creeping up his thigh. Having been leant against his chair for quite some time now no one questions when I lean in a little more. Mother too immersed in what Luke has to say to pull away her attention, I work my hand over his clothed length smirking when I feel him harden in my palm and his body slightly tenses. I loosen the lace on his pants just enough to pull him out, slicking my hand with his seed as I begin to stroke him slowly. I take the opportunity that no one’s paying attention, slipping beneath the table as I keep working his cock.

I wait a moment for someone to notice, my core throbbing as I stroke his thick cock knowing anyone could catch us if they paid any attention. I take him in my mouth, licking from his base to the tip swirling my tongue and tacking him in fully hollowing out my cheeks, bobbing my head quickly and stroking what I can’t reach while twisting my wrist. Daemons hand moved from the table to hold my hand that rested on his clothed thigh, squeezing at times to let me know it feels as good as I think it does. His hand moves to my hair and he shoves my head down without warning, my gag reflex triggers as he blows his load in the back of my throat I swallow and pull off slowly. I clear my throat after I sit back in my seat, taking a sip of wine and placing Joffrey on my lap as his nurse maid brings him in.

Slowly everyone disperses from the dinning area, I step into my room to take my bath, the boys are gone down to the dragon mont, Joffrey is off with his nursemaid and I have no idea where mother and Daemon went. I strip of the days clothes and get into the bath, unbraiding my hair as I breathe in the rose and vanilla oils in the water humming a tune from a bards ballad. I was washing my hair when he came in through one of the old tunnels, quietly sitting at the table across from me and pouring himself some wine as he watched me finish bathing. As I was ready to get out he brought a drying sheet, extended me his hand helping me down the steps while admiring my bare self.

“You’re truly an amazing creature” Daemon started “A little fox, sneaky, beautiful and vicious” Daemon teases as he wraps his arms around me, pulling me close and kissing my neck. Running his hands around my damp curves as he walks us to the bed, his lips molding with mine before he removes my towel and lifts me onto the bed. Daemon wastes no time as his fingers immediately make contact with my aching core, my slick coating his fingers as he skillfully manipulates my clit. “You’re such a pretty whore, a whore for your daddy huh” Daemon grumbles out, his voice thick with lust as he looks into my mixed coloured eyes and watches the look of pleasure on my face.

“Only for Daddy” I tell him with a tremble, gasping as he inserts two fingers in my aching cunt and starts ruthlessly thrusting into me. “Mmm- you were fucking made for me” Daemon says as he moves over me, removing his hand from me and placing his mouth on my clit, his tongue drawing shapes as he applies more pressure. “S’good daddy, please don’t stop, fuck” I moan out as he places his fingers back in and sets his pace again his mouth slurping my juices relentlessly as he shakes his head with a moan. “Need yo- your cock, Daddy please” I moan arching my back as I feel my climax coming. Daemon just moans in response pressing his head against me harder, with one last flick of his tongue I cum. Shaking and sweating, hands holding his head in between my legs moans flowing loudly out of my mouth as he rubs my thighs his tongue slowly helping me ride out my high.

“Now you’ll take Daddy’s cock you little slut” Daemon demands as he unlaces his pants, pushing them down and rubbing his hard length between my lips collecting my slick, without warning he thrusts into me, my hand finding his hip and our eyes locked as we both moan at the sensation. Daemon is ruthless in his speed, slamming his hips into mine with each thrust squelching sounds being heard around the room as his dick forces my cunt open. Our moans are hardly held back, his hands holding my legs bent and pushed back as one of mine plays with my nipple and the other grips his wrist. “Daddy feels so good!” I moan out, back arching off the bed as he thrusts deeper, his head thrown back a little before he looks back at me with a smirk “This is Daddy’s perfect fucking pussy. I’ll burn any man who tries to claim it” Daemon groans as he lets go of my leg and moves to wrap his hand around my neck, cutting off blood flow with the new position his pelvis slaps my clit with each thrust.

“Gonna fucking cum Daddy” I moan out as I scratch his wrist, my pussy tightening around his cock as I start to see stars. “Cum on Daddy’s cock sweet girl” Daemon demands, speeding up his thrusts and pushing me over the edge, shaking as I choke out a moan and cream all over his pretty cock, Daemon moans as he spills his seed in me and stays still for a moment. “You’re going to bare my child, you will never know another cock” Daemon says breathlessly, walking to the basin and grabbing a damp cloth coming back to wipe me off and then himself. Daemon says nothing else as he crawls into bed and holds me close, caressing my shoulder as I snuggle into his side. “We are not naming him fucking Aegon” I tell him finally realizing what he said. “On that we agree” Daemon says with a chuckle.

[lottiecrabie]

hiii You know who this is can i please please please have cyosa mutual masturbation i lost so hard every time but once and you know you love meeeee 😇😇😇😇

this is for you🫵you know who you are. I love you🫶

‘matty…’ you moan, half as a beg and half as a mindless need. he chuckles, opening your thighs for him, putting you on display. you’re so ready you might take him right now. 

matty’s hand still dances on your thigh, working higher and higher. your breath hitches, anticipating the fateful meeting. he whispers, smirking, ‘how about you show me how you do it?’

your cheeks flame at the idea. you clench your thighs, trapping him in place, embarrassed. he doesn’t seem too bothered. he revels in prying them open again, grazing the ready skin until you’re squirming.

‘why would i when you’re right here?’ as if to convince him, you reach for his leftover hand, dragging it to a pert breast. he chuckles. his finger rolls the nipple and you sigh, still holding onto his wrist.

‘i want to see,’ he says. ‘i want to learn.’ you groan, half from pleasure and half from shyness. you hide in your shoulder, arching your back into his hand in contradiction. again, a laugh falls from him. ‘how about i show you too?’

your eyes snap to him, suddenly interested. he kneels up, towering over your parting frame. his hand makes quick work of his belt— quicker than your hungry, shaking ones could have done. he draws his cock out without any hesitation, holding it at the base. your breath dies in your throat. you freeze under him.

‘i’m already hard,’ matty says. ‘don’t even have to think about you cause you’re already laying there like a fucking daydream.’

you grin, spreading your legs further, giving him a show. a tortured groan rasps out his throat. ‘fuck, love, you’re gorgeous.’ he strokes himself once, swiping his thumb over the tip. you lick your lips, though you do not feel the need to reach out and do it yourself. you want to relish in the spectacle.

you get him, now. he knows this. says, ‘show me.’

you don’t feel as shy. your hand grabs his own, puppeteering him so he pinches and rolls your peaked nipples just right. a broken moan comes out of you. in turn, he strokes faster.

‘i don’t like the before,’ you choke out. ‘i’d rather just get to it.’ it’s all the warning you give him before you plunge your hand between your folds, circling your clit.

‘shit,’ matty cries. ‘you’re not real.’ you hum, pinching the skin of his wrist mischievously, reveling in his little yelp. ‘what do you think about?’

you shrug, non-committed. ‘i like my mind blank.’ matty tsks and shakes his head. you almost want to laugh, but your fingers hit a sinful spot and you’re too busy whining out.

‘you’re doing it wrong,’ he breathes. his hand is still hard at work on himself. he needs to frown in concentration to get his thought out. ‘the before, the imagination— that’s what it’s all about. you won’t get a mind-blowing orgasm if you don’t involve your mind.’

‘do it, then,’ you whimper. ‘mindblow me.’

he clicks his tongue, shaking his head. ‘i didn’t expect you to be lazy.’ the challenge works and you set your eyes, competitiveness bubbling in your chest. vengefully, you dip two fingers inside, watching as he slows his rhythm in quiet wonder.

you thrust in and out, angling your fingers until your legs twitch mindlessly. your nails dig into his skin, and it’s not even to send any kind of message. he’s wrong about the mind. you masturbate to get you off— off that tyrannical ride your head leads ruthlessly. this, the hot euphoria beating in your veins, the quiet moans, the shivering limbs, is what it’s about.

‘i’ll tell you, then,’ matty says. he seems close, pumping his cock fast and certain. his chest rises and falls, the tattooed planes of his stomach in perfect display. you want to spread a hand over it, want to descend down and replace his hand, want to— you thumb your clit and stop wanting.

‘i think about you, all pretty and hot and needy. never this perfect, though. god, you’re really not real— like a fucking frosted cupcake, all sweet for me.’ the words fizzle up your chest. pleasure strikes through you, doubly so, and you cry his name in sheer shock.

matty continues, ‘i think about you in the library, bending you over until i erase that little worried frown you have. make you suck my fingers so you keep quiet still. don’t want to get banned— still need you to ride my cock on those big chairs after all.’

‘oh, god,’ you whine. you rub your clit furiously, eyes rolling back, seemingly astral projected to the library. your lips part in quiet worship. ‘more,’ you beg him.

matty pinches your nipple, forcing you to look at him. ‘your turn.’

you pant, trying to use your brain when your fingers are deep and quick inside of you, when he’s hanging off with that swoopy hair over his forehead and those dark, hungry eyes. you’re drunk on the mere sight of him, and you start fearing how he’ll affect you when he’s the one thrusting inside you.

‘i—‘ your legs kick, helpless. ‘sometimes when we watched movies, i’d think about you eating me out on the couch.’

matty groans, scrunching his eyes like he’s imagining it. ‘yeah? what’d i do?’

‘just— you’d kneel in front of me, and you’d tell me to pay attention, and then you’d do it. devour me like you were starved. shush me when i got too loud, remind me to watch my smart, pretentious film.’

another broken cry slips out of him. he falls over you, though still holding himself up with an arm. your now free hand spread over his ribs, back, anything your greediness can find. both your fingers work in tandem between your bodies, a quiet union you’ve just now noticed. you roll your head, hit his wrist. ‘matty…’

‘i thought about you asking me to fuck you before,’ matty admits offhandedly, lost in his pleasure. your fingers press into his working shoulder, mean. ‘fuck, i almost believed i was imagining when you really did ask me. figured i was going crazy.’

you twist your head, kissing his wrist over and over, tiny presses of love you don’t dare say. your tongue sticks out and licks it all up before it stays and means something. ‘again,’ you moan, feeling yourself get closer. your hips rise for your strained digits. your body hums in warning.

‘i want to come on your stomach. want to mark your skin— god, need it. need to see you all pretty with my cum, make you all messy. show you’re mine.’

‘matty,’ you scream, pumping your fingers just right.

’need to see you come, too. break apart so you’re not so perfect. my pristine, pretty girl, drooling for me, screaming my name, working those little fingers…’

‘fuck—‘

‘you’re doing so well for me,’ he promises. his hand has lost any sense of regular rhythm, pumping with desperate abandon instead. ‘just like i though,’ he says, full of wonder. he seems so gone you’d figure he’s all in his head, but matty stares at you like he could lick up the frost off the cupcake. ‘of course you’d listen. of course you’d do just i say.’

‘fuck, i need—‘ it’s on the tip of your tongue, but you don’t get to say, a shattering orgasm taking you instead.

you open your jaw and dig your teeth in matty’s wrist, biting down the yells as waves of pure ecstasy shake through you. your head, never quite unattached before, blanks with the force of pleasure. you say his name, you think. or maybe not. in the end, you don’t think at all, and it is glorious.

matty’s close after you, screaming out your name shamelessly. the ropes of white cum hit your stomach and he draws out his last trembles before he falls atop you with a sigh.

your head’s all fuzzy as you lay there. ‘oh,’ you finally say once you regain speech. you trace a finger over his back, staring at the ceiling in quiet contemplation. oh, this is what it’s supposed to be.

‘yeah,’ matty murmurs in your hair. because he understands, of course he does. your lungs feel full and heavy.

he finally rises and you catch a glance to the mess between your two bodies. the cum is painted over both of your stomach. though matty doesn’t even bother wiping it off before he smirks, kissing down your sternum. his eyes flash up at you, full of mischief. ‘so you want me to eat you out, huh?’

[humongousgothskeletonfarm]

TGR CHAPTER 10 THOUGHTS

- jean trusts jeremy!!!

- my takeaway is that every interviewer in the aftg world is a piece of shit

- “Andrew didn’t want anything from them, Kevin was drinking straight vodka from a glass, and Cat opted for a beer when she saw how much Kevin was knocking back.” made me giggle icl ik it’s a serious scene

- “Where Neil goes, the FBI follows” AGAIN IM SIRRYYY ITS SUCH A SERIOUS SCENE BUT PLS THIS IS TAKING ME OUT, hes a celebrity, an FBI magnet ur honour

- just thinking about the conversation between andrew and neil when andrew goes back to palmetto “so… you’ve been busy!”

- jean and neil rlly did sit down and map out their very elaborate cover story, they’re covering every goddamn base

- “After that easy submission, Jean had been so blindingly afraid of her he’d barely slept for a week.” - jean on lola wow yeah

- obsessed with everyone just calling kevin Queen now like it rlly does crack me up

- “Always,” Kevin promised. “The last person who tried to take it from me died. Checkmate.” OK SASSY I LIKE TO SEE IT KEV

- jean being so upset at kevin for relying on alcohol to stave off memories of the nest and being unable to confront his past in order to heal and grow stronger because jean thinks if kevin can’t do it how can he? fuck that fucked me up, they’re both so much stronger than they know

- “you ruinous wretch.” oh jean u are too creative with these insults how do u do it

- Did you read any of them, or were you too busy fawning over his phot—” - what did i say??? brothers coded

-“He took a swig from his cup, grimaced when he remembered too late it was only water, and flicked Jean a mean look.” they’re sooo bitchy

- “half-baked baguette” another jean moreau classic

CHAPTER 11

- “Home, she said, knowing he was technically home already.” oh these books and their complex relationship with the idea of home

- ok so why tf has jeremy’s mum hidden his documents from him and wtf happened to annalise what accident was she in and why are none of the children allowed to live away from home, so many questions about jeremy’s family i need answered

oooooh i hate jeremy’s family soooo bad

- jeremy being jealous over jean looking at his sister with interest is hilarious babe he’s in love with u

- SHUT UPPPPPP KEVIN SENDING JEAN A POSTCARD FROM PALMETTO AFTER FINDING IUT THE RAVENS DESTRIYED JEANS OLD POSTCARDD FROM HIM ACTUALLY DESTROYS ME I LOVE THEM SO BAD I HOPE THEY CAN WORK THROUGH THEIR TRAUMA AND BECOME PROPER FRIENDS LIKE THEY DESERVE

CHAPTER TWELVE

- catalina alvarez i am so in love with u

- i love when high school/college related books actually include scenes of them GOING TO SCHOOL (unlike some *cough* riverdale and euphoria *cough cough*)

- this pottery class is so cute, nora are you just very interested in pottery at the moment and wanting jean and jeremy to be as well?

- “Jean considered that in silence for a moment before getting back to work with a little more focus, and Jeremy tried not to smile at him.” ADORABLE

[sweetlysymphonic]

"You can put it in your mouth, if you want~?"

The moment those words left him did a mound of shock appear upon your face. Did... Did he really just suggest that? And in the middle of the *bar*, no less?

"What?" You exclaim seconds later.

"What?" You couldn't see them, but the wideness of his eyes was a pretty easy thing to imagine after the realization of his slip-up. Z clears his throat and starts to move back in his seat.

As he does so, admittedly, curiosity had gotten the better of you and your hand outstretches moments later. Z's upcoming words immediately die in his throat as fingers brush against his tail once more. Your fingers, careful digits running along the sleek base. "You know you're insufferable, right?"

"Y-yeah?" He stammers out, shifting in his chair. "How so?"

"Well, you're relentless in advances despite me saying you're ridiculous," you say with a simple few strokes of the appendage. "That alone strikes a chord with me, albeit you also just don't know when to quit. That's the real kicker." Your stroking briefly increased in pace.

A small groan emanates from the demon, the claws on his right hand sinking into the table. The tapping form earlier had long gone into a near grip onto the mahogany surface. This seemed to intrigue you, and you went *just* a little faster. Their noises only worsened.

"I-is that all, Dove? That I'm, nngh~, relentless in my conquests?" Z attempted to laugh but cut themself off as you continued the quickness of your hand's motions. The poor bastard's knee hikes up and impacts with the table, catching your attention, slowing the strokes.

An idea forms in your head. Oh good lord. . .

"Hmmm, no, but maybe teaching you a lesson will make me feel better."

"What do yo- NnGh~!" A deep pink flushes their face as the sensation of a wet muscle glides over the tip of their tail. Soft pants leave them as you continue your work, leaving slick streaks along the tip and resuming your quick strokes along the base. Swirling your tongue, prodding his tail with it, gently applying pressure to his base at the same time - whatever got the best reactions out of them, you'd do it time and time again. After all, if he wanted to play games and act like a horny asshat, then so could you.

However, after a moment or two, you decided he deserved a break from your vengeant teasing and slow your stroking once more. You move your head from the tip of his tail, and you hear what sounded like a sigh of relief coming from Z.

"Got quite a tongue there, Dove." He pants, clearing his throat with a shit-eating smirk. "A shame you're too scared to *really* use it-"

He just had to keep talking.

An unimpressed look falls over your face at his words. So much for letting him have a break. . . You crane your neck ever so slightly and take the tip between your lips. Will you be punished for this later? Perhaps, but this was much too fun to cease now.

Z freezes momentarily before nearly collapsing in his chair, hiding his face in the crook of his arm. While he has a meltdown, you make quick work of taking a decent half of his tail in your mouth, gently sucking. Your stroking increases in speed once more, much faster than before.

"M-more~..." He mumbles incoherently. You hum quizzically, the vibrations from your mouth sending him euphoria.

"More. More, Dove~."

That was all you needed to hear. Your efforts hastened with sucking and digits gliding along his tail's base, pants and soft moans leaving the demon as he seemed near a breaking point.

"I-I- I'm-" Claws drag down the table, leaving deep indentations as a show of his struggle. "F-fuck, Dove~. I'm gonna-" Just as his head tosses back, everything suddenly stops. Your hand paused, your tongue and lips leave his tip, and now your back in your seat across from him. Mop of hair in front of his eyes, he still gave a look of shock. "W-wha-"

"Oh, I'm sorry. Were you hoping I'd give you satisfaction?" A knowing smile etches onto your face. "You're funny, but I'm not some exhibitionist willing to give you a big O in the middle of a bar. Sorry." You shrug.

Z gives a still stare, leaning over the table. "You are such a filthy brat. You know what I do with brats like you?"

"Teach me a lesson'? 'Remind me of my place'? Go ahead." Despite gulping around nervousness forming in your throat, you fight back. "Remind me, bitch."

"Oh you'll be reminded, you little slut. We're leaving. Now."

It wasn't a request so much as an order, and you wouldn't have had it any other way. You purposefully take your time gathering your belongings and tucking in the chair, a harsh smack to your ass sending you into overdrive to hurry up.

It was going to be a long night for you. . .

[witchofhimring]

From Green to Blue

Chapter 1: Eren leaves you for your best friend. As you wander the cold streets of Shiganshina, you wonder were everything went wrong.

This is a rewrite of From Green to Blue that I started two years ago on my og platform @blueroses789. While the story itself has not changed the characters and their development are given more exploration.

Every chapter in this series has been based off this song. Originally I was going to base this song off "Traitor" by Olivia Rodrigo, but realized that what I had in mind for chapter one does not fit. So instead I based it off of "Reckless" by Madison Beer.

Warnings: Angst, smut, mental health issues, ptsd, pregnancy

What was the first memory of your parents? For Y/n it was a towering figure looming overhead, white walls on all sides. Your mothers face was not clear. Whether it was time or pure terror that had washed away the details was unknown. At that time your room had been mostly bare. There was little to remember except whitewalls that gave the room a sterile atmosphere. The room and your mother was left behind, but the fear never did.

The first thing you remember about Eren Yeager were his eyes. Never before had you seen such vibrant green eyes. Eyes that were bottle green like sea-glass. But it was not the colour that drew you to them, at least not completely. You thought that even if Eren's eyes were the most unappealing colour they would still be entrancing. The life those eyes held, how easy it was to read them. How those eyes lit up when he was passionate about something. It had been Eren's passion that attracted you to him. It was those eyes that drew your attention to him. You remembered the way he looked at you. How those teal eyes seemed to hold you as if you hung the moon. It gave you a feeling of euphoria that you thought would last forever. But recently, that has faded. Now all he looked at you with was indifference.

You weren’t sure when it happened. Just that one day Eren's eyes no longer looked upon you with affection. Now they observed you with a cool detachment. You wished they were filled with hate, at least if he hated you it meant something was still there.

You chalked it up to Eren having a hard time at work and his mother being sick again. It started with him being stressed, then distant. You tried talking with him, but he would blow you off. Then he would leave at all hours and not answer your calls. It was at that point that you wondered if he was seeing someone. But every time you tried to speak to him about it, you were called paranoid. That was where you were naive. Because now he only looked at her with those eyes.

They say eyes are windows to the soul. Such lofty ideas should have been dismissed by a woman with your life experience. Maybe being in a relationship had made you overly romantic. Bit by bit you saw how he stopped loving you. It killed you when he started to treat you like nothing. You tried to speak to his friends. Armin was a great help. Sometimes he came over when Eren had left to meet someone, and cook dinner. But it didn’t fix your relationship. You had tried everything from doing things for him to trying to get talk with him. You considered counseling, but he refused to go.

You stood in the doorway leading to the bathroom, watching Eren as he fixed his hair. You smiled lovingly at your boyfriend. Hopefully, you thought, he might pay you mind. “Who are you going to see?” It was 10:12 in the night, so you wondered who Eren was seeing this late at night. You two had been tense all day. Eren’s mother was sick again and had to be hospitalized. She would be fine, but it was still a stressful time for him. You did your best to support him during these times. You had learned from a young age that it was always important to be there for those you loved. 'When you stop loving someone, do not be surprised if they leave.' Your mother had said. A wretched woman you had not seen in years, but perhaps she was right. As a young girl you had sometimes lost friends. Even years later you lay awake dwelling on the past. The long lost relationships did not even matter that much to you. Those "friends" had never been truly close to you, yet it mattered all the same.

Despite this, it was becoming a bit difficult when Eren was snapping at you every minute. 'I already told you, I’m seeing a friend.' He said shortly. Your eyes closed. The fondness that they held a minute ago had left. You were tired of this. Was it so hard for him to show you one moment of kindness? It wasn’t always like this. Yes, you had your ups and downs. But there had always been a light at the end of the tunnel. Without so much as looking at you, he brushed past you. Tears brought itself to the surface. Fuck. This hurt.

Not that you didn’t continue trying. You spent hours watching videos titles to the likes of "How to get buy bf's attention" and taking no of everything. Going to your gynecologist they told you everything was alright. This was a relief as you worried something was wrong down there. Then to the dentist. Still, there was no sign of ill health or anything that might off-put someone. You knew Eren's true pain lay in his mothers illness. How badly you wanted to help it. But it was becoming so hard with his careless cruelty. You had considered discussing it with him but resolved not it. 'It would only be selfish. His mother may be dying and here you are whining.' And so silent you remained.

The next day, you had spent hours getting ready. There was no important occasion, other than your desperation to get any form of love from him. There was no detail untouched. Multiple products were used in the crusade to salvage the relationship. Soon the bathroom smelt of strawberry and vanilla. 'And you will have a scent your boyfriend will not be able to resist!' The video had said. Coming out of the shower, a message from Eren appeared on your phone.

Eren: Be home soon.

Rushing to the bedroom you put on the green slip Eren bought for you. It was expensive, but was it wrong to treat yourself every now and then? You put on a large white t-shirt over it that went down to your knees. Predictably, Eren came home in a crappy mood. Not his worst, but not great. He let you take his bag and coat, then went to sit down in the living room. 'How was your day?' You sat down beside him. 'Fine. Just busy.' Eren closed his eyes. Deciding he didn’t want to be bothered at the moment. You stood up and quickly got dinner ready. Pasta seemed simple enough, plus Eren liked it. The whole time Eren didn’t say a thing to you. Normally this wouldn’t be something to be concerned about. But Eren had been like this for a while. Dinner was a silent affair with you attempting to start a conversation every now and then. As you washed the dishes Eren went into the bedroom. You heard him speaking to someone on the phone, though you couldn’t hear what he was saying.

'Hey.' You wrapped your arms around his waist from the back. His hair was down now. Carding your fingers through his hair, you press a kiss to his temple. 'It’s late. Wanna head to bed?' Eren shrugged and allowed you to lead him inside. It was dark except for the fairy lights you liked to hang around the place. You helped Eren undress and then slipped off your dress. Eren pressed a chaste kiss to your lips, causing your heart to skip a beat. This was the most affection he had shown you in a while. 'See? He loves you.' You thought.

“I love you.” Gently you pushed him onto the bed and straddled his waist. Pressing kisses from his cheekbones to his collar, you were desperate to show your love. He had been so stressed out and you wanted him to know you loved him. Hands gripped his hips as you went lower. Eren’s hands weaved tightly in your hair as you took him into your mouth. He gave a few shallow thrusts before fucking your mouth. “Fuck.” He groaned. You didn’t like this. It wasn’t the act itself that was the problem, but Eren’s attitude. Or rather lack of it. He seemed to just be using you as no more than someone he was sleeping with. No sense of caring in him. You normally loved to get him to the point where he abandoned any politeness and just fucked you. But this was different. Before, no matter how rough, you never felt used. There was always love and afterwards he always made sure you were well. This time you felt so demeaned. At least prostitutes were payed for these services. So you just let him use you, hands painfully digging into your scalp. You just wanted approval, even at your expense. After the deed was done, he got on top of you and thrust right into you. It hurt. So you just looked up at the white ceiling, hoping to get this over with.

💔

You met Hannah during the second year of High School. To avoid your mother you joined afterschool clubs. On Mondays you attended the Business Club. Despite not sounding altogether appealing it was actually quite popular. A group, mostly girls, would talk about their business ideas. Surrounded by friends you were showing them a picture of your imagined herb business when she walked in. A shy first year, Hannah more shuffled in than walked. Back then she had been gangly and slightly awkward looking. The moment you saw she was summoned over. 'What's your name?' She replied and from that day onwards it was history. Soon the two of you were friends and went everywhere together. No longer alone, Hannah was now part of a large group.

Meeting Eren came about several years later, during the first year of University. Your only took philosophy out of a passing interest. Arriving late, he decided to sit right beside you. You had acknowledged him as handsome but had no real interest as you never spoke to him, and only saw him in class. That all changed during a class project. As he sat beside you it was the two of you together. Upon finding out Eren would be your partner you nearly burned up. He sent you a dazzling smile, damn him.

Both of you met up in one of the many libraries. It was late but thankfully the University buildings were open late. Sitting on the windowsill you watched Eren read the passage allowed. Of the two Eren was better at this subject. These sessions mostly consisted of you listening and writing things down as Eren spoke. Unlike you Eren actually went into the course knowing a thing or two about the subject. 'Existentialism. The concept of an individual pursuing their own freedom.' Eren read from the heavy textbook. Curled in you wrote it down. 'Do you think this should be our opening?' You asked. 'No. It won't make sense unless we give some context first. Maybe we should bring up a philosopher first.' You felt a bit lazy having Eren take the lead. But there was really nothing else to do about it.

'Here, take a look at this.' Moving to sit beside Eren, you looked to the page titled "To have freedom it to err". Being somewhat familiar with his works you flipped through the chapter before going back to the beginning. Fritz had been an Eldian king and philosopher in the 14th century, shortly before Eldia when from an empire to merely a kingdom. As you went through the pages you could sense animosity pouring from Eren. Concerned, and slightly alarmed, you looked up. His green eyes were lit up in a way you did not like. Not the way he looked during intense discussions, where he was passionate but angry. 'Are you alright?' You said it quietly, so as to not attract his angry. Trying to appear small as possible you wondered if running away was the best course of action.

Eren's face sagged for a moment before he jumped slightly. Relief filled you when it became clear that he may not have meant to look so menacing. 'Oh, sorry. Hadn't meant to startle you.' Looking abashed Eren looked to the ground. 'Not a fan of his.' 'Oh?' Curious, you sat up properly and inched towards him. Seeing a captive audience Eren started. 'His weakness it just.... just disgusting.' Sounding thourly repelled

Handing the book back you watched Eren flip through the pages. And as you did so a feeling of unease settled into you. because when had you ever pursued your own freedom?

💔

It all came crashing down. It had been the end of a terrible week. You had failed a test, had to extend an assignment and Eren had continued to show you the cold shoulder. All you wanted to do was take of this fucking green dress, have a nice long bath, lay down, and cry. To your surprise, Eren wasn’t alone in your small apartment. Sitting beside him at the kitchen table was your best friend, Hannah. It had been first year University and you were having difficulty making friends. Shiganshina was a small town where everyone knew each other, so it was hard. Social groups had already been formed years ago. It had been your philosophy class that you first met. You had acknowledged him as handsome but had no real interest as you never spoke to him, and only saw him in class. It was only when the two of you got placed in the same group project halfway through the year did you get to know him. Oh how you wished you didn’t. Because that was when you first fell for him. It wasn’t immediate. You started out as friends, and soon enough you found yourself going to every movie, drink, and bowling night together. You had such a good time that you started to invite your closest friend. That was your second mistake.

💔

You walked arm in arm with a girl by your side. Hannah was the type of girl to get stared at as she passed by. She was gorgeous with shoulder length blonde hair and wide adorable brown eyes. Her smile was one that could make anyone's day. The dimples at the corner of her mouth gave her innocence and charm. You and Hannah were like sisters. Being raised as an only child you were delighted to have Hannah. Having a low contact relationship with your mother and your father being absent (he left after mother became pregnant, so the story goes), you created a new family. Hannah, Biannca, Eren, Mikasa and others made up this newfound group. It almost made you nightmare that was your childhood. Cold white walls, mother pacing angrily downstairs, cigar smoke. All that was replaced with colour, kindness and warmth. Or so you had hoped.

Spring had just dawned over the town of Shinganshina. Walking arm in arm with Eren as you discussed what to say. Although you loved Eren you knew he could be harsh without meaning to. Hannah had just caught her boyfriend of two years in the arms of another woman and was naturally distraught. For the past month Hannah had been holed up in her room, practically a prisoner to her pain. Your heart ached for her. In her position you would be little better. Constantly you visited her in an attempt to provide comfort. Today you decided to take her out for breakfast, the meal being on you.

She was waiting for you by the café entrance. Today she was dressed in a white jacket and blue jeans, looking tired. The second Hannah saw you she smiled, looking between you and Eren. "Hey Hannah. O, yes, Eren you probably remember Hannah.

💔

That was why, one cold November day, it was a complete surprise to see Eren and Hannah both sitting at the table whispering conspiratorially. The moment you walked in they fell silent. Shiftily Hannah leaned back in the chair, not even looking you in the eye. Eren on the other hand was looking at you in the eyes. It would have been better if he did not. Those dull eyes made you want to dig a deep hole and curl up in it. Suddenly Hannah was leaning into Eren. A lump formed in your throat making you feel dizzy. A horrible feeling settled in your stomach as an idea occurred to you.

It was like everything seemed to be leading up. Eren disappearing at odd hours. Hannah, your supposed best friend not answering your calls. Now that you thought about it, her behavior was odd. You had been so focused on Eren that you never suspected she was involved in any way. Well, at least you now knew why she wasn’t hanging around you anymore.

You knew what he would say before Eren opened his mouth. Yet it still hurt like a punch to the gut. “Y/n. Hannah and I have been talking and I think it’s best if we broke up.” He said it so bluntly, without the slightest hint of sadness in his voice. Just the usual monotone voice he had been using as of late. “Have you two been-” Your throat was painfully dry. You couldn't believe it. You had suspected Eren had been seeing someone, but you had no proof. And you were afraid that if you said anything, he would immediately leave you for her. You guessed that was a mistake. “So you’ve been cheating.” Tears filled your eyes as you grit your teeth. “We would never!” Hannah had the nerve to sound offended. You looked at her. “Oh really? So you didn’t open your legs for my boyfriend earlier.” The fact that it was her, your best friend, made this so much worse. You had spent sleepless nights wondering if there was someone else, he was with, and who she was. Was she prettier? Smarter? What was it about her that made Eren uninterested in you? Hannah’s eyes filled with tears. At one time, Hannah’s tears would have gained sympathy from you. But now all they did was infuriate you to no end. Your heartbeat painfully in your chest painfully. Blood ran hot, thundering in your ears. “Oh fuck off you crybaby.” Hannah flinched at your voice. Eren immediately turned on you. “That's enough Y/n.” You gaped at Eren. It was like you were talking to a stranger. The look on his face made you want to throw up. It wasn’t just distant this time. You had only seen that look once. It had been when some girl from your college campus had been harassing you and he had stepped in. It seemed that he now saw you in the same light, the person who was harming the one he loved.

It ended with you leaving the apartment to get some air. Eren reminded you that your things still needed to be taken out. He said this with his arm around Hannah’s shoulders. As you snatched your coat Hannah came up to you. You refrained from saying anything that might get Eren to snap at you. “Y/n, we’re trying to be kind to you. We will give you time to move out.” You couldn’t fucking believe this. Hannah was acting as if they were doing you a favor.

Right now, you are walking the dark streets of Shiganshina. You could barely see due to the tears welling up in your eyes. Sobs tore from your throat to the point it hurt. But you couldn’t stop, you didn’t want to stop. It was like a piece of your heart had been ripped from you by the two most important people in your life. You could barely breathe. After four years of being together, everything is over. That night you didn’t sleep, just wandered around till the sun rose in the sky. As the orange glow covering the sky like a blanket the city lit up your way, you thought about the times you had watched the sunrise with Eren. For a while you looked over the city from the forest cliff. Everything was coming to life again. Everything except your heart.

Note: I started this fanfic a while back and then sort of disappeared. I apologize. It was just that I lost motivation and wasn't happy with the original. What I will do is edit this book and then post the last few chapters. I want to thank everyone who read my story in the past, and is reading this now.

Taglist:

@emiraa

@chscklvr

@night-shadowblood-writes2

@hangezoessidehoedehoe

@halparkebitchebitch

@dayyy-siii

@logibearhockey1

@northweztth-st4r

@songbirdgardensworld

@betterwinter

@retrogobrrrr

@b-tchalert

@bluebeomz

@xngelsau

@peachtreexoxo

@chscklvr

@somethingstranges-blog

@0ddpsychxox

@mahbeanz

@littlemochi

@logibearhockey1

@dreamsarenicee

@wrenick

@erenyeagerwifee

[princessconsuela120]

Chapter one: Save Your Tears —✿

Series masterlist

Chapter Warnings: pregnancy, angst, cursing, drugs

Author’s Note: I came up with this idea based on my first book on tumblr Juno, after watching euphoria again. Hope y’all enjoy!

—✿

“SHIT.”

Noelle was three months along when she found out, freshly three months…

“Fuck!”

—✿

So on New Years when Nate and noelle fought…people started to talk about the slight stomach bump under her shirt.

—✿

“Fuck you Nate!”

“Noelle I’m serious. You can’t get ride of it.” Nate shouted, looking around the room to be sure that the two of them were alone. Not that everyone didn’t see the two walk into the bathroom together arguing but you get the point.

When Noelle had forst found out she was pregnant the first person she told was fezco. The two of them had always been close, maybe because they both grew up without their parents. But Fezco was always there for her, I guess in a way she didn’t get to have with Nate growing up.

“Shit ma. You’re in it bad.” Fezco said, staring down at the pregnancy test in his hands.

“Thanks fez, I know.” She joked, making them both chuckle. He leaned back against the couch, taking a hit from his joint before shaking his head.

“You let that ass have sex with you?” He asked, raising an eyebrow as Noelle sighed.

“I know fez, I know. I just, I don’t know what to do.”

He noticed the way her tone changed in seconds. He took note of how her manner shifted and her hands clenched slightly.

“It’ll be okay ma. You know you always have a place here.” Fezco reassured, referring to how badly she feared her parents reaction. Not that they really cared about her all too much, she just new they would happily kick her out based on the news.

“Thanks fez.”

“Did you tell him yet?” Fez asked, causing a long groan to leave Noelle’s lips.

“That’s my next job.”

So she told him at new years. She told him and then told him she was getting rid of it. For someone who had a hell ton of shit going on, Nate was pretty pissed off about Noelle getting rid of the baby.

—✿

“It’s my damn body Nate! I’m sorry but unfortunately you have no say.” Noelle said angrily, storming into the bathroom to fight where no one would hear

“It’s my kid to.” Nate reasoned, stomping after her as she tried to avoid him.

“To hell it is. More the reason to get rid of it.” She said, throwing her hands in the air as she looked at him angrily.

“You can’t.”

“I'm not talking talking to you.” She hissed, turning on her heel and leaving the bathroom.

“Noah…” he tried, using her childhood nickname to try and connect with him.

“Im not talking to you Nate.”

“Would you stop walking away from me, I’m trying to talk to you…”

“Oh please.” She scoffed, shaking her head as she now pushed through people to make it out the door.

“You, you can’t Noah!”

“Fuck off!” She yelled, opening her car door getting ready to leave.

“Can we just talk about this?”

“This isn’t your concern anymore Nate, I’m stopping it now before it gets anywhere…” she explained, about to sit in her car before he shouted, his fists clenched angrily at his sides.

“You can’t abort it Noelle!” He shouted, looking around to make sure no one heard before quieting down a bit. “I won’t let you!”

“Excuse me?” She bit back.

“I don’t want you to.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry…I can’t be hearing this right. You, Nate fucking Jacobs, the boy who, told me he loved me before running off to fuck my best friend…you suddenly hear that you knocked me up, and all of the sudden you think you have the right to tell me what to do with my own fucking body?” She shouted, now even angrier then before.

—✿

It was true, before Cassie, and before Maddy, there was Noelle. Nate’s first girlfriend. Back when Nate didn’t lose all of his will to live anymore. Nate was with Noelle for almost all of our junior year. Sometimes he wondered how his life would be if he didn’t cheat on her with maddy. If he stayed with Noelle…maybe his life wouldn’t be all that bad. Maybe he wouldn’t be standing here right now, with some sort of melancholy feeling about a baby that would bring the two together forever.

—✿

“It’s my kid too…” he said softly, which in turn only made her angrier.

“Just because you fucked me, and have the biggest ego on the planet that your so big and mighty, doesnt mean it’s your kid.”

“Oh yeah? Who else could it be then huh?” He hissed, now feeling angry again.

“What?”

“Go on.”

“Wouldn’t you love to know.” She hissed, shaking her head as he shrugged.

“I really would.”

He got closer to her, making her stomach drop slightly as she stared back at him.

“I don’t…look, I really don’t want you to get ride of it.” He said softly, noticing how close they had now gotten.

“You don’t have any say. Look Nate, you decided to stop having a say in my life the second you started fucking Maddy, so don’t for a second think you have any responsibilities or honors to me. You aren’t big and mighty Nate, you weren’t made to be a dad, I wasn’t made to be a mother. We’re better off I end this now, then let it drag on.”

And with that she left. Getting into her car and returning to fezco’s house for the 6th time that week since her parents had been away.

—✿

So when Fezco heard that Nate wasn’t gonna be there for Noelle. Not only that, but that he gave her a hard time about it? He didn’t hesitate to beat the shit out of him right there at the party.

All Nate could see as Fezco’s fists pounded his face was Noelle.

[ethansluvbot]

hi maylee! could you do something based on this dialogue from euphoria where ethan unmasks and the reader says this and it's just super heart breaky?

love you! <3

RIGHT WHERE YOU LEFT ME | E. LANDRY

warnings: gf!ethan, MAJOR SPOILERS!!!, mentions of blood and knives.

an: hey, yes of course i will do this. i actually love this idea and would cry if this was ever in the scream movies. inspired by “right where you left me” because i’ve been listening to it on repeat. this is lowkey shitty so like yeah!

❛YOU LEFT ME NO CHOICE,

it was crazy to think that two hours ago you and ethan were hand and hand walking to your dorm. now, you couldn't find him anywhere. you began to worry about him greatly, even with sam, tara and chad reassuring you.

the images that were in your head didn't help one bit. it’s not that you didn’t trust ethan to protect himself, it’s just the ghost face now even more brutal. after what happened to anika you didn’t know what to believe anymore.

now you were standing there watching chad brutally be stabbed. blood gushed out of his mouth as he told you guys to go. you couldn’t believe this was happening to him it might’ve even happened to ethan already.

you felt a hand grab onto your arm as you stared blankly at chads body. hearing sam screaming snapped you back to reality as you smacked the ghost face with your bag. (yes we must keep this bag)

your legs quickly matched the pace of the two girls in front of you. since you were last it was pretty fair to believe that you were next. there’s a sudden stop causing you to collide into sam’s back.

“shit,” you look up to see a detective bailey. tarah was inches away from his chest as she let out a muffled scream.

“you have to help us! there almost here, please!”

to say you were terrified was a understatement. he motioned for you guys to get behind him, raising the gun the way they were running.

you were still worried for chad and ethan. yes, you saw chas had been stabbed multiple times, but he never died. you were only hoping that they both still lived, that you would live to see them again.

bailey stood up in front of the three of you with his gun aimed at their head. he began to lower his gun with a short laughter. he walked closer to then standing in the middle.

“great job both of you,” he chuckles pointing the gun in your face. closing your eyes you felt him still staring at you.

“look at me!”

you automatically flinched as you heard him yell at you. what did he want from you? you sure as hell didn’t want to die tonight, but if it was for your friends at least you would feel good about it.

“who are they?” you heard sam ask. bailey just cocked his head to the side waiting for one of them to unmask. you watched as one of them began to take their mask off.

“no don’t do this to me,” you feel a tear crawl down your face. it was ethan, he was the killer, he might’ve even killed your best friend. reaching up he wiped your tear. even after seeing you cry he was still smiling.

“mindy was right, it was really easy duking the roommate lottery, all i had to do to meet you was room with a conceited condescending alpha literally named chad. fuck, it felt good to kill him!the best part, my name’s not even ethan landry, isn’t that right dad?”

you couldn’t even recognize the “ethan” you were looking at right now. after months of dating this boy you would never expect him to behave like this. you almost felt like the whole thing was a big joke.

you look into his eyes to see nothing, he wasn’t the boy that you truly loved. no matter how much. you cared for him you didn’t want to talk to this monster.

“so that leaves one more…” you hear tara mutter.

“mindy?” sam ask, petrified that one of her best friends would ever do that. mindy was the one always trying to help the group. no one ever believed she could set us up for failure.

“hi roomies, didn’t see that coming did you?”

“yeah because you died,” you didn’t know quinn very well so seeing her there didn’t shock you much. the thing that shocked you was she never talked to ethan before.

“i kind of didn’t, needed to get myself off the suspect list, stabbing gale and mindy was kind of fun,” she giggled to herself jumping forward with the knife.

you flinched back in shock bumping into the two girls. after a while of them yelling at you, you began to zone out. you still couldn’t process that ethan would ever hurt you like this.

you could feel him staring at you almost like he felt bad. you felt a cold metal slide up your arm making you focus again. you knew better than to turn around and look at them.

you stared into ethan’s eyes with a great frown. there was still active tears forming and falling down your face. you feel the sharp object shove inside your stomach. 

screaming out in pain you fall to the floor. quinn pulls it out and shoves it back it, except this time she doesn’t pull it back out.

“quinn!” you hear ethan voice yell at her.

“you ruin all the fun.” she rolls her eyes at ethan, she always believed he was the weakest link. he was always the fool who got his heart broken, the one that didn’t want to hurt anymore, yet his dad still convinced him.

maybe he only did it because his dad forced him into it, but either way it was fucked up. killing people and lying about it was horrible. so why did you feel bad when you heard bailey talking about richie. you could see the tears forming in ethan’s eyes as he realized he wasn’t the priority.

you almost feel like they weren’t even there, most of the sound was drowned out and your eyes were blurry from crying. you watch as quinn, bailey and ethan all stand back together.

“go!” you yell to the two of them, if you died tonight you just wanted them to make it out alive. you watched as tara’s mascara smears around her eyes.

“i love you,” all she wants to think about is the group all surviving tonight, “we’ll come back for you!!”

you feel the knife stolen from your body as quinn runs after them, bailey runs the other way and ethan stands over you.

“i’m sorry.”

“no you’re not,” you couldn’t believe those words after you knew what he was capable of. he was a good liar you would give him that. you felt a year but your face but this time it wasn’t yours.

you felt a ripped piece of his cloth tie around your waist. you groaned in pain as he began to sit you up.

“get away from me you crazy bitch.”

he couldn’t lie and say those words didn’t hurt him. he deserved it and he knew that, but when he saw how terrified you were he couldn’t help but tear up.

“goodbye y/n,” you watch as he almost stands up, but you stop him. you play with the piece of glass in your hands, about to do something that ethan would’ve done.

“hey, ethan?”

he turns back at you, “yeah?”

“fuck you,” you lunge the piece of glass into his mouth. falling to the ground you watch as blood spills out of his mouth.

BUT TO STAY HERE FOREVER ❜



[galaxywarp]

What do you do when you're in a bad headspace and can get out and it affects friendships and they start leaving you and you're alone and have no idea what to do and you think life and yourself can't improve

It was a slow and grueling process but my friendships finally started genuinely improving only after I worked my ass off to learn how to comfort myself. Because I could never truly get the comfort and relief I was looking for in other people and trying to was just setting us all up to fail.

Little tangible things I’ve done over the course of several long months that have added up to feeling kind of better:

-I go out of my way to thank myself when I do something nice for myself, no matter how small. I started with bagging up a single bag of trash. I placed my hand over my heart and said hey thanks for doing that. It felt gross and fake. I did it even if it felt gross and fake. It stopped feeling so gross and fake eventually.

-if im spiraling i try to pick my next activity based on the outcome i want. If I pick up my phone, what am i looking for? Humor to distract me? Something to read? Do I want to write about how im feeling? Listen to a song about how im feeling?

-say “thanks for listening” instead of “sorry for venting” to your loved ones.

-leave traces of your own existence for yourself. Pictures. Notes. Drawings. If you have a thought and a notebook just write it down. It helps me feel more like a real person when I leave evidence behind that im here. It’s also comforting to be able to help recall memories and feelings that are blurry with time.

-find something cheap and dumb that makes you happy. I like bouncy balls that you can get for a quarter from those machines and the little tiny toy slinkies that they sell at my grocery store. These things serve no purpose but to be fun to hold and throw around and eventually lose

-try to remember that good days don’t have to be filled with excitement or joy. A good day can maybe just mean that today you didn’t feel as much despair as yesterday. Contentment with neutrality instead of seeking euphoria

-everything cycles. Mood tracking can help me remember that. I have weeks where I feel so sad that im sure I’ve never felt anything except sad but then I look and a journal entry from last month says that I had a few pretty good days in a row actually. And I’ll have a few pretty good days in a row again eventually

hang in there.

[endykelopaedia]

I'm privileged for a completely different facet of my identity that works differently than gender. I was born White and am White and there's no moving away from that. People are AGAB and the societally approved thing to do is to stick to that. Those who challenge their AGAB are all committing the same violation. I cannot offend society with my race but a trans man and a trans woman are doing fundamentally the same thing to piss people off. The cishetpatriarchy wants men to be men and women to be broodmares, and see a "man" wanting to be that which is hated and othered as repulsive, just as they hate a broodmare trying to put themselves on the level of (cis) men.

The funny thing about all this is that while I think the idea of AFAB trans people weaponinzing their AGAB is massively overblown, it IS totally possible for them to have conditional "privilege" in radfemmy spaces...because radfems see them as "female." I have no idea where the overwhelming and bias-inducing love for masculinity outside the cishetpatriarchy comes from. I just plain do not see it. I've never even heard anything but horror stories about relations between trans men and cis gay man.

And the idea that trans men are liked better by the cishetpatriarchy for wanting to be men is so flabbergasting it makes me see stars. Surely we don't think cishet men love masculine "women" or that women throughout history could have simply said they want to be referred to as men as a get-out-of-misogyny-free card.

A lot of times it genuinely seems to me like a lot of trans men who support this framework get gender euphoria out of living out this weird fantasy world. And it's honestly creepy? Like what I'm constantly reading into this is "I'm such a man I could totally have power over you and use it to abuse you if I wanted to but of course I never would." Like that does not make me feel good or safe lol! I've had multiple tell me that they believe in transmasc privilege because they themselves used to be transmisogynistic or partook in sOcIaL mUrDeR, which is a wild own goal to me because all the transmascs I know are hyper-vigilant about hopping on transmisogyny as soon as they see it.

Like, yes, you are a man! You are. I agree with that. But the material reality is that transphobes do not treat you like one and the queer community is much more divided and fractious in a way that does not really advantage one group in particular. Like a given space can favor transmascs but it could also favor transfems, and the only reason the latter isn't considered a problem is based on the tautological argument that they don't exist so the ones that do exist are NBD. Like, I could give you example after example of transfem-favoring queer people being absolutely unambiguously vile about trans men, but it always just gets No True Scotsman'd. No matter how many times it's provably manifest it's always shrugged off as an anomaly, or justified by the same thing being directed at trans women, which is a problem for transfems and not transmascs just because.

only a white woman could comfortably say that white privilege & gendered oppression work completely separate LMAO and yk what i dont think you even really believe that bc why would you immediately come out swinging about my supposed racism against black trans men (MYSELF) specifically over a post that only talked about male privilege.

i know damn well you have a barely coherent prose tucked away about the demonisation of black masculinity being proof of societal misandry that works out REAL well for you when you're arguing with other white folk. i didnt say it before but im gonna say it now, you dont actually give a fuck about black people and you should keep us out of your salty mouth. moving on.

you neednt explain the basics of misogyny, transphobia and cisheteropatriarchy to me. one thing i notice about a lot of you transandrophobia folks is you really like to over explain yourselves. wondering if overwhelming people with words works out for you usually. makes it easier to hide your blatant contradictions and terf-y talking points, yeah?

Like: "And the idea that trans men are liked better by the cishetpatriarchy for wanting to be men" "Surely we don't think cishet men love masculine "women"" is nasty work. this is whyyy i asserted we arent just he/him females to you under the first ask you sent me. cuz i KNEWWW you didnt think of us as men fr. that platitude at the end doesnt mean SHIT. i LIVE as a man & get treated like one. transphobes dont see me as one on principle but a) not everyone i interact with is a transphobe and b) transphobes CANT always tell. but none of that matters cuz we just innocent little girls with a dream, of course. how could we possibly perpetuate societal (trans)misogyny if we only women who want to be men, right.

i assume this is your response to the TERF talking point "trans men are only doing transitioning to escape womanhood & get a slice of male priviege" but it being "what do you mean? trans men will NEVER really be men or seen as men so how could they use it to get male privilege?" ??? plot is LOST. youve gone back to sounding exactly like them.

hopping from calling me racist against black trans men, to realising i am a black trans man, to calling me (and men like me) creeps for the SICK tboy fantasy that is being openly aware of my ability to perpetuate misogyny. wild. WILD. dont even know what to say to you.

i dont feel good around people who hold me hostage to tell me how bigoted (usually racist in my case) they used to be against me either. but the solution wouldnt be to surround myself around white people who dont got the SICK racist fantasy of holding power over me in this society, and it isnt to shut my ears and act like i aint capable of (trans)misogyny at all either? you really feel less safe around trans men who know know that they can be bigoted against you vs ones who dont? i mean. thats you, i guess.

since i'm not a he/him female i think id rather listen to trans women who arent she/her males on actual transmisogyny in queer spaces, bc something tells me your attitude towards it is different from most.

and god, please spare me your examples. i can just look at my actual life and draw smarter conclusions than you have.

[moonlighter-at-midnight]

ror | shiva x reader | the hot spring screwup

hi there! this is my first writing piece in yeeeears so sorry if it’s booty. i originally was working on a buddha chapter piece but got this idea and decided to post this first since it’s just a little one off thing. the idea of the reader’s character is basically the same as the one that i will be writing about in the buddha piece. so if you like this, be on the lookout for that release! also, i have only watched the anime so what I know is solely based on that (with some additional research courtesy of professor google) so if there are any inaccuracies, i apologize! anyway, please enjoy! ♡

warnings: nudity, no sexy time but heavily alludes to it, basically straight up mentions wanting to bang shiva

spice level: 🌶️🌶️🌶️/5

You sigh dreamily as you step into the steaming water, sinking down until you were submerged from the neck down. Your tense muscles unraveled and the dull ache of your wounds waned, sending you into a state of pure euphoria. In life, you had fought in a myriad of brawls, but none quite like this. It was a battle of souls, a bout that would affect humanity’s fate, and against a god no less. However, you had managed to overpower your opponent in the very end, saving your soul from decimation and adding another triumph under humanity’s belt — and all at the cost of a badly broken arm, cracked ribs, and bruised lungs. Despite the advanced technology and medicine of the god realm, it did little to quell your pain. Thankfully, one of the nurses told you about the incredible hot spring, and you were all too pleased to learn that the bandages were infused with some type of magic that allowed it to get wet. Valhalla was sure an interesting place.

The idyllic silence is abruptly broken when you hear several pairs of feet shuffle into the area. You grumble quietly at having to share the divine space. You were not in the mood to interact with people especially if they were gods. That was the very last thing you wanted. But, the hot spring seemed spacious enough and paired with the heavy shroud of steam, you’d probably have very minimal to no contact with whoever else had entered. As long as you stayed in your little nook at the far side of the spring, they wouldn’t bother you right?

“This was a good idea. I’m getting riled up and tense waiting for my turn to fight. If only old man Zeus hadn’t browbeat me into letting him take my turn. This will definitely help loosen me up.”

You freeze, your once relaxed muscles stiffening at the sound of the booming voice.

What?? Is that a man’s voice? It couldn’t be.. No, it has to be a mistake…this is the women’s hot spring…maybe it’s just a woman with a deep voice. Yeah, that’s it..a woman with a deep voice, you think to yourself trying to assuage your panicking mind. Your breathing grows shallow as you nervously listen for affirmation that these were indeed women. Females. Girls. Fellow vagina owners. And not men.

“Always itching for a fight huh Shiva? Glad to know you haven’t changed,” another voice says as multiple laughs erupt into the air.

Your stomach drops, and you feel like it’s falling out of your butt as your fears are dismally confirmed. Not only were they men, but at least one of them, if not all, were gods.

Fuck me.

You try to ever so silently press yourself against a rock in the farthest corner possible, dipping yourself lower into the water so that you were only visible from the nose up. If it weren’t for the thick steam emanating from the spring, you surely would have already been noticed.

The water sloshes and ripples as the men make their way into the spring, causing your anxiety to further skyrocket as your chances of a clean escape begin to dwindle. You had to get the hell out of here. You try to devise a plan to flee undetected or at least without your identity being discovered. If you ever meet the legendary Mulan, you’d have to ask her how the hell she did it. But, here were the cold, hard facts: You were butt ass naked. At least five to six men were here, probably all gods, one of them being the all powerful Shiva. The exit and your towel were on the completely opposite side of where you were. You had a broken arm, broken ribs, broken everything really; you were in no condition to fight.

Plan A: Jump out of the spring from where you were and run like hell. High risk of slipping, falling, breaking your neck, and then having your dead, naked body discovered by a bunch of male gods. Next.

Plan B: Walk across the spring and hope that you don’t get noticed. High risk of getting caught and bumping into someone who will kill you and then having your dead, naked body discovered by a bunch of male gods. Next.

Plan C: Swim underwater. The water seemed clear enough. However, your lungs were bruised, and although not fatal or very serious, that put your breath holding capacity to maybe like five seconds. Ten if you were feeling daring. Not to mention you had only one good arm. You were sure this plan would probably also lead to your dead, naked body being discovered by male gods. Next.

Plan D: Quietly stay behind this rock and hope they leave without ever detecting your presence. Hmmm. Alright, (y/n), okay. I might be on to something here. They haven’t discovered me yet, and they’re probably on the other side and are totally not going to come over here. No risk of being discovered dead and naked. None whatsoever.

You nod to yourself, stupidly confident in your plan and so totally absorbed in your own thoughts that you failed to notice the white haired, smoking man that had peered at you from over the other side of the rock.

“Who are you? Why you hiding behind this rock?” the man asks nonchalantly.

You jerkily pause your head mid-nod and slowly look up at him. At this point, you were still only visible from the nose up. And just like that, your plan had gone up in flames.

“Well? Are you going to say something or are you just going to hide in the water?” he speaks again.

“Indra, who are you talking to over there?” yells one of the men.

“I found some guy hiding over here. Varuna, clear the steam will ya?”

Suddenly, the dense haze of steam dissipates. You peek out from behind the rock and are confronted by five other pairs of intense eyes. The white haired man, who you gathered as Indra, gets down from the rock and joins the rest of the group. Among the men was a blue man with an elaborate headdress, a long, white haired man with some sort of weird mask over his face, a large, tan man with purple beads around his neck, a black, spiky haired man with four arms adorned with several tattoos, and last but not least, the one with the most intense aura of them all — a purple, four armed man, with a third eye in between his eyebrows. You gulp.

This isn’t good.

“Yo, who are you and why are you hiding?” says the purple guy aggressively.

He locks eyes with you as he approaches. You instinctively scoot back. As you watch him scrupulously, something in his demeanor and appearance tells you that this guy is Shiva. And if it you weren’t so unnerved and being backed into a corner by him, you’d say he was actually quite hot. Too bad he was probably going to snap you like a twig.

“I’ll ask you one more time before I force the answer out of you,” he asserts, cracking his knuckles to emphasize his point.

You feel your body slump in defeat. There was no way out of if it. You were out of options and better to maybe try and explain yourself instead of foolishly staying silent. You take a deep breath through your nose before standing up fully. It was the first time you felt truly blessed for being vertically challenged as the water was about chest deep on you, covering your goods.

Everyone looks at you with some degree of surprise and shock as they realize that you’re a human woman. Shiva specifically gazes at you hard. Something about you seemed familiar, although he knew he’d never seen your face before. He would never forget a human who looked as exceptionally stunning as you. But then it clicked. The broken arm, the (y/c) eyes — you were one of the Einherjar. He had witnessed your fight earlier, but your all black shinobi outfit revealed nothing but your eyes, thoroughly concealing your appearance. You had been introduced with only the first initial of your given name revealed which further added to the obscurity. He, the other gods, the humans, and the legends passed down about you, all speculated you were a man, but clearly history was very wrong. Regardless, he was too enamored in the battle itself to have paid any attention to the individuals fighting in it. But now that you were in front him, fully exposed and vulnerable, he couldn’t take his eyes off you. He also couldn’t help but observe the way beads of water sensually glided down your body and into the valley of your breasts, disappearing into unseeable territory — territory he wanted to explore and conquer. And the way you shyly looked up at him through your lashes only made him curious to know what that pretty face would look like when he did it.

Shiva smirks. ”A human huh? You were that one fighting earlier weren’t you? (first initial f/n) (l/n) right?”

You couldn’t help but feel incredibly flustered from being basically naked in front of bunch of a men whose eyes were all on you. Especially Shiva’s. You could feel him unabashedly scrutinizing every inch of you, his eyes darkening with desire. Your face burns red, and you look away.

Damn, he has me so hot and bothered. Why is he so good looking?

“Yeah, that’s me…you can call me (f/n). Uhm, look I don’t want to cause any trouble so if you could just let me pass, I’d really appreciate it…” you manage to utter.

“Go right on ahead,” Shiva says, still smirking. He steps aside making way for you to pass. The other men follow suit.

Why does this seem too easy?

“Thank you…also, could you guys turn around?”

The other gods glance at each other and shrug and start moving at your request. All except Shiva of course.

“I prefer to watch,” he says impishly, a mischievous twinkle in his eyes.

Your eyes widen, and you snap your head towards him. “But!” you start to object.

“You can walk out yourself or I can do it for you. Which one will it be, Miss (y/n)?” His smirk only grows wider. The other gods only shake their heads at his antics.

A shiver runs down your spine. You weren’t sure if you wanted to know what the latter meant (or maybe you did), but you had set your mind on getting out of there. Taking another deep breath, you start making your way out of the water. You put your good arm across your breasts as the water level curtails the closer you get to the edge of the spring. Shiva’s eyes remains fixated on you, not daring to miss a single moment.

Here goes.

Taking the final step out the water, the cold air swathes your naked body and you break out in goosebumps. You briskly rush to your towel in a desperate but futile attempt to cover your ass from Shiva who’s enjoying every second of it. You try to ignore his scorching stare on your backside as you finally grab your towel and wrap it around you, gripping it tightly with your good hand. You sigh heavily.

So much for not letting the gods see me naked. But at least I’m not dead and naked.

You’re about to head towards the exit when a hand grips your towel, jolting you forward into them. Your startled eyes come face to face with Shiva’s devilish ones. You somehow maintain the grasp on your towel, although it becomes dangerously close to being pulled off you. Your eyes unintentionally trail down, half relieved to see a towel around him, yet half disappointed. This doesn’t go unnoticed by Shiva who could only revel in the reactions he elicited from you.

What is wrong with me?

Normally, you’d never let someone toy with you like this, never mind this overwhelming sexual desire you had for this man. But the carnal look in Shiva’s eyes, his sexy smirk, his muscular physique, his tantalizing, brazen demeanor — it was enough to make you putty. You couldn’t imagine how you’d act if he touched you.

“(y/n), you know what? I decided I don’t want you to go. Why not stay with me from a while?” His grip tightens on your towel, his knuckles grazing your skin.

You shudder at the slight brush of his skin on yours. It feels like an electric shock has run through you and into your very core. As you consider the tempting offer, a little voice in the back of your head starts to emerge from the depths of your lust smitten brain.

No matter how hot he was, he was still a god. Someone who wanted the destruction of humanity and who undoubtedly would be participating in Ragnarok on the side of the gods. The answer is obvious. I should say no… plus I mean, like, a god and a human? Is that even allowed? There’s just no way. I can’t just do naughty things with him…right?

“I should really go..” you say half heartedly, clearly conflicted.

“It wasn’t a request (y/n),” he says, his eyes darkening as he pulls you against him.

Before you’re able to respond, someone clears his throat behind you. You both look to see the other four armed god, a pair of arms resting on his clothed hips and the other pair of arms crossed loosely at his waist. “Shiva, you should let her go. Don’t force her.”

You almost object to his usage of the word force but decided it would be best to keep your mouth shut.

“Ahh, Rudra. You’re always so serious. I was just having some fun,” Shiva responds light heartedly, loosening his grip on your towel. “But, I guess you’re right! You know best!”

Before you had a chance to protest, Shiva had already let you go and was headed back towards the water, a pair of arms nonchalantly behind his head. You stood there, stunned at the abrupt loss of his closeness and touch. Feeling disappointed would be an understatement. You turn and manage to mutter a thank you to Rudra who nods his head in acknowledgment before also heading back to the water where the other gods had silently been watching everything unfold.

You watch Shiva as he descends further into the spring, his back facing you. You sigh dejectedly. Steam begins to fill the air again, but before Shiva is completely engulfed, he looks back at you, smirk plastered on his face as he winks at you. Your face flushes, and you could feel heat rushing to your core. Something told you that this wouldn’t be the last time you would see him.

extra scene

You hastily leave the hot spring and into the locker room. As you start to change, you replay the events of what happened in your head. The more you think about it, the more increasingly irritated you become. You were unsure if it stemmed from pent up sexual frustration or from being cornered in a potentially perilous, but completely avoidable, situation. Whatever it was, you were peeved and wanted to take it out on someone, and you knew exactly who. Once you’re fully dressed, you storm to the reception area of the hot springs and furiously approach the front desk. The same teen who checked you in was still there, face still buried in the same magazine as when you had first arrived. If he had taken his eyes off his magazine for two seconds instead of just waving you over to the male side, you wouldn’t be in this mess.

“Excuse me!” you say sharply, slamming the key card down on the counter. This spooks the teen boy into dropping his magazine, face twisted in bewilderment and fear.

“Y-Y-yes ma’am? How can I be of service to you?” the young kid stutters, scared shitless by the cross look on your face and the intense aura you exuded.

“You waved me into the male side of the hot spring! Do you know the kind of mess you got me into?! Do I look like a man to you?!”

His eyes widen, mortified. He had only hoped nothing bad happened to you. He couldn’t afford to lose this job. His mom would kill him.

“I am so sorry ma’am! No, of course I don’t think you look like a man. I must’ve made a mistake when I scanned your key card!”

He was sure that all the key cards he had scanned today belonged to all males, but even he couldn’t deny that he never really paid attention to the actual person coming in and could’ve easily made a mistake. He takes the key card and scans it, scouring the information on the computer. He looks at the screen then looks at you then back at the screen. Well no wonder he waved her over to the male side. She raises an eyebrows questioningly.

“Is something wrong?”

“Uh, your name is (f/n) (l/n) right?”

“Yes, and?”

He turns the computer screen to you. A picture of you in your fighting attire served as your ID picture and in bold letters under “sex” read male. It suddenly all made sense. You can only snort at the revelation.

“I’m sorry ma’am! I believe there was a mistake when creating your key card! I can get that fixed up. We just need to take a new picture and change you over to female-“ but before he could finish, you snatch the key card from him.

“Nope, that’s okay! That’ll be all! Thanks!” you exclaim hurriedly, setting a generous amount of bribe money down on the counter before scurrying away.

Maybe I can “accidentally” run into Shiva again.

You smile giddily to yourself as you fantasize about your next encounter with the devilishly handsome god.

The teen watches you run away, dumbfounded. “I need another job,” he complains to himself. He gathers the money and slowly grins to himself as he counts the stack of bills you left. “Or maybe not,” he says to himself, tucking the money into his pocket. He had a feeling he would probably be “accidentally” waving you over to the male side again.

shoutout to those who caught the mean girls reference! sorry if you read this nonsense lol i kept editing and rewriting for days and eventually got fed up and decided to just post it. hopefully, i’ll get better at writing!

[star-drip]

i saw someone say that they thought my pfp was amy winehouse and it made me realize how much her style influenced emerson's design even though i don't listen to that much of her music lol. i just always thought she was really pretty. same with lana del rey 🫡

isla's newer design is based off of multiple anime characters for some reason lol. she also reminds me of cassie from euphoria besides the asshole behavior in s2. she's kind of always been there so i'm not sure what gave me the idea to create her

aiden was from my lil peep obsession 🤭

diana was birthed from 2020 lockdown. i think. she just looks like 2020 to me for some reason 😭

luca has kind of always been there too so i'm not sure. probably just childhood trauma lmao

no one asked but i always like to think about this. the influences on my paracosm. it's fun lmao

[thekingofthenameless]

Happy Pride Month!!!! OC that was previously cis is now transmasc!

That was the concept I was yelling about! Everyone I’ve told has loved it, and Tumblr’s getting it too.

Anyways TRANSMASC MERLIN MY BELOVED

I can say with the upmost confidence that he’s definitely never been transgender in any Arthurian adaptation before except fanfiction.

There isn’t really much of a story for why I decided to do this, though. He’s been cisgender for a little over three years, give or take, and I hadn’t had any intentions of changing it.

But I had literally just started work yesterday morning, and out of nowhere my brain was like: “Trans Merlin.”

And then I got consumed by it.

There isn’t much content about him being transgender; only ten posts tagged posts for it on Tumblr, 82 fics of it on Ao3. (Yes, I checked.) And it’s all for one adaptation only: BBC Merlin.

I’m going to be the change I want to see though >:)

So without further ado, here’s a few new facts about him!

Merlin was his name at birth, and he kept it after transitioning.

(In my opinion, it’s an ode to trans people who don’t change their name before or after transitioning, and it’s also a reference/mythology gag to female portrayals of Merlin, such as The Seven Deadly Sins!)

(Honestly thinking about it, I can’t believe in all these adaptations of Arthurian Legend Merlin isn’t trans in at least one?? Or queer in some way? This is so rude.)

In TKN, cambions can shapeshift easily, and there’s also a spell they can cast that makes the form they change into their base/true form, which is what Merlin did. (He cried when he finally saw who he wanted to be in a mirror.)

When he was deciding on how he wanted to ideally look before the spell, he decided he didn’t want to let his ear piercings close, and he also chose to keep his hair long and keep wearing jewelry.

(Older queers my beloved.)

He still got periods until he went into menopause because magic unfortunately, as he and I both agree can’t get rid of periods, and he actually didn’t want to change his genitalia! He still has every reproductive organ he was born with. His chest, however, gave him gender dysphoria, so he bound it during/after puberty before using the spell.

(I love how Merlin has gone from cis white to cis ambiguously brown skinned [glad I changed that lol] to cis black to transmac black. Just. Merlin my beloved.)

Charlie is one of the few characters who knows that Merlin is transgender: people already think Merlin’s crazy for his schizophrenia and psychosis, and/or an asshole for his misophonia, so he doesn’t want to risk another thing they’d use against him. Charlie is the best familiar and was fully supportive throughout his transition, and he loves him and is fully willing to accommodate his disabilities when no one will.

(Trans Merlin has been giving me so much euphoria all day oh my gosh. I love him so much.)

He still has a sister! Her name is Ganieda, and in some of the Legends she’s two years younger than him. Here, though, they’re identical twins!

(No offense to the og Legends, but for one reason, it’s because of Adhan having a second child only two years after being assaulted and getting pregnant from it. She would’ve gotten pregnant again at a year and three months after? It’s kind of strange, in my opinion.)

Also identical twins, and one of them being trans!

(I just. TRANS MERLIN)

As a given, he knows what periods and feminine rage and experiencing misogyny are like! But in a world that doesn’t for the most part, he comes off as well versed in it to everyone else.

(This is just an idea for now, but I was thinking that maybe later in TKN, Morgana gets her period at Camelot, and after Merlin gets her taken care of/gently educates her about it, he astral projects to Igraine and Gorlois and is like: “Hey Morgana got her period, but I got her taken care of dw 👍” and their response is: “Wow, you’re really knowledgeable about periods!”

Merlin: Trans panic

He’s experienced both womanhood and manhood, and both of them are extremely important to him. He was raised as a daughter. He experienced being a sister. He went through puberty in a girl’s body. He has the right to tell her story, and his.

Anyways. Transmasc Merlin because I’m not going to stop screaming about it

Also I made this :D

[gamebunny-advance]

1010 Malt Shop - Green Plushie

It's done. It's finally done. 1 week of blood, sweat, and tears (mostly blood), and he's done.

But I don't have a good enough camera nor photography skills to really capture his true charm ;w;

(Boring self reflection + more pics under the cut)

Anyway, this is the project I've been working on lately. No particular thing really prompted this. Like most things I do, it was started on a whim and finished with will power. I don't really have much experience with plush making or sewing, so despite his obvious faults, I still think he turned out pretty nicely for an amateur.

As per usual, I didn't have enough foresight to document the process, but I can nonetheless talk about the experience and point out some details of it.

Firstly, he's a pretty large lad. Here he is compared to the official DJSS plush and one of the test prints I did of "Melon Float."

Counting his straw, he's about 16 inches tall. I wasn't counting on him being so big, so I don't really know what I'm gonna do with him now...

I say this took a week, but I probably could have quartered that time if I had a working sewing machine, but since I didn't, the majority of the time was spent just sewing the thing together. (Btw, pattern over here.) The only fabric details that weren't hand-sewn are the circle/stripe details on his pants and shoes, and the bow/buttons on his shirt, which were all glued on.

The base pattern didn't come with any clothes, so I just adapted the body patterns into clothes. Structurally, he's basically wearing a second skin~ I did think about making the gloves for the sake of accuracy, but at that point, the only skin he'd be showing is his face, and I wanted to keep some soft parts out since his clothes are so stiff. They're so stiff, they can stand on their own and be stacked on top of each other without falling over.

(The plush has a harder time standing than his clothes do...)

Speaking of the clothes, let me say right now that it bothers me more than anyone else that the paint details don't color-match his pants. I was so high on the euphoria of starting this project that when I was out getting supplies, I saw some glow-in-the-dark paint and thought it'd be a great idea since he's a robot and all. The color on the bottle looked close enough at the time, and the original plan was that only the face would be painted with the other details being felt, but on top of me forgetting that effects paint takes a long time to build up layers, the green also dried differently than I thought it would, so it threw everything off, but I didn't have the patience to suck it up and repaint everything with a better color match. I did try to add a light gradient with my pastels like in the original art work, but it turned out so light that it's barely perceivable and totally not worth the clamminess I get when I touch chalk.

I think the most time-consuming part was his hair. While sewing the body together took 2 days, the clothes 2 days, and painting 1 day, the hair took about 3 as I had to figure out essentially how to do it myself on the fly. The first day was mostly trial and error. I did find a couple of online tutorials about how to get this loopy yarn hair, but the ones that I found both required tools that I didn't have. Eventually, I figured out a way to make it work, but I feel like it was less than efficient:

Basically, his hair is made with chunks of yarn that are tied together, and each chunk is individually sewn into place. I didn't count, but I think there are 13-14 hair chunks total to give him a full head. I do like how I made his bangs uneven to mimick how I draw his hair, but I couldn't quite pull off having his distinct hair-part and I couldn't figure out how to give the illusion of half his hair being straight without it looking weird. (I did try cutting the loops to let the strands be straight, but I didn't like the look of it, so I kept them all loopy).

This is a weird thing to say out of context, but I'm especially proud of the back of his head. Originally I was just going to paint on his undercut (which I'm glad I didn't because this paint REALLY hardens the cotton), so I got the bright idea to sew on individual strands of yarn for it. I think the effect is great, but I would not wish it upon my worst enemy, because to get the effect, I had to sew on each. strand. individually. The day I made the face poll, and said that was going to be a break day? I wound up doing this instead, and it took just as long to sew in those 20+ strands of yarn as it did the rest of his hair.

To segway into that poll, as you can see, I went with option 2 with some slight edits. Just the white/green eyes looked a little plain to me, so I added my usual dark pupil and added a green-star glitter to the center. I'm the one that has to live with this thing for the foreseeable future, so I made some executive decisions. Unfortunately, there were a few errors while painting, which you can clearly see in the above pictures OTL. I did try to seal off my painting areas with tape, but it still bled and stained in a few places. I don't really know if it's possible to clean the stains without ruing the rest of the face, but if you have any ideas, I'd love to hear them.

There are a few extra details that I guess are worth pointing out: he's actually wired. I put in some armature wire so he'd be able to move his limbs despite the stiff felt but... I didn't secure them that well, and the wire for his arms got displaced, so I currently can't bend them ;3;. I'd have to open him up again to replace it, and I REALLY don't want to undress him again to get to his back. The worst thing about this plush is that his clothes are so stiff that he's actually very hard to dress.

The wire in his legs is mostly still in place, so he can at least (kinda) sit.

I think the last thing worth talking about is the ice cream accessory. It was really simple to make (it's just air dry clay over foil + extra pieces), but it's cute, so I wanted to point it out~

It's a hair clip, so it can be taken on and off. Theoretically, it could be worn by a person, but it's a little heavy to be wearing it all day~ The camera/lighting really blew out the colors, but I think it turned out to be a nice creamy french vanilla color like I really wanted~

Other details like the glitter on his eyes/cheeks can't really be captured on my shitty ipod camera, but rest assured that he is pleasantly sparkling~

I think my biggest takeaway from this project has been materials: I thought that using felt would be a great alternative to having to buy an entire yard of fabric for a one time project, but besides the paint, it was the hardest material to work with. If I have to pick and choose, next time I think the body will be felt, and the clothes will be cotton, or maybe I'll actually invest in some fleece, so it can be soft all the way~ Since the clothes are removable, I could theoretically make him his default sailor suit and just replace the straw with his proper hair loop to convert this into a "canon" design plush, but we'll see what the future holds. I did get the felt colors to make my *other* babygirl, but given this experience, I may hold off on making him until a much later date.

[jalicefanficblog]

can you write a Kim possible oneshot where Kim and Ron have to disguise themselves as circus clowns during a mission

Ladies and Gentelmen, let´s give our Guest Clowns a cheerful Welcome Greeting and we hope you enjoy our Circus Show!

Just like a Circus

“Why do we have to dress up as circus clowns again, Wade?”

Ron was sitting in his seat in the small private helicopter that was taking him and his best friend Kim Possible on another mission.

The teen heroine had called in a favor for this and Ron was tasked with carrying the heavy, cumbersome backpack that contained the undercover costumes for today's mission.

And of course Ron had already looked inside and given in to his curiosity. The contents of the backpack had neither caused him joy nor euphoria.

“It's for your cover, Ron. And you'll fit in perfectly at the destination,” Wade said from the small communication device that Kim was holding in her hand.

“You've always wanted to be in the spotlight, haven't you?” - joked Kim, who was trying to tidy up her red mane with a small comb and a few hairpins during the turbulence and prepare it, for what was to come.

The camouflage…not the turbulence that the pilot of the small helicopter has to contend with.

"Haha…if it weren't for the costumes…so embarrassing" - complained Ron.

"Embarrassing? The red nose definitely suits you", joked Wade.

"It's easy for you to say Wade, you sit in front of your screen and can watch us being made a laughing stock as circus clowns", - groaned Ron, and he didn't seem to be able to get used to the idea at all.

"I also made popcorn and my mum brought a six-pack of lemonade from the shop…I'm ready to enjoy the show" - replied Wade sarcastically.

"Cheer up, Ron, Rufus is absolutely thrilled with the idea!" - laughed Kim now and Ron looked confusedly down at the pocket of his still normal pants, in which Naked Mole Rat usually slept or helped Ron on missions.

Rufus had already put on a mini clone nose and wig and was all fired up for the mission. He expressed this with euphoric noises.

“You're totally stabbing me in the back right now, buddy!” - said Ron, but his voice became a little softer and his aversion to this disguise had diminished somewhat.

He couldn't and didn't want to stay mad at his animal best friend for long, and he could hardly say no to his best friend KP either.

“Besides, it's for our disguise. Dr. Drakken certainly won't recognize us as circus clowns and it will definitely be fun”, said Kim as she pulled a wig cap out of her bag.

“Why does Dr. Drakken actually want to take control of a circus?” - Ron wondered as he felt Rufus, who had meanwhile run to the backpack with the props and the two clown costumes, give him a red nose.

“Do you remember when Dr. Drakken wanted to bring his mind control shampoo onto the market? Now he's trying to sponsor the circus that's based in Boston, Massachusetts… allegedly through the circus animals' feed and wants to get them under his control… my sources have indicated , that a considerable amount of toxic substances that were found in the shampoo were found in a load of feed for the horses and donkeys… if the animals ate it, your clown disguise is perfect for investigating… I also hacked Drakken's social media account and he got tickets for the evening performance… it seems likely that he wants to use the animals as his henchmen with mind control", - Wade summarized.

"Is it possible that Drakken's ideas are getting crazier and crazier?" - Kim wondered, having pulled the wig cap over her tied-up red hair.

"Looks a bit like a swimming cap? What is that for?” wondered Ron, who also got one of the skin-colored caps drawn by Rufus and pulled it over his head.

“The wig cap ensures that the wig doesn’t slip off the head during the show”, - explained Wade and then gave the duo the details and how they could best blend in with the artists and showmen of the circus when they arrived in Boston.

Then he wished them much success and looked forward to the show.

“Why are you getting the costume with the stripes and I’m getting the one with the dots? That makes my butt so big?”, - Ron repeatedly tugged at the legs of the outfit he was wearing. Because unlike Kim, the blond was wearing a clown costume with big red dots stretched over the yellow fabric.

The green clown wig he was wearing was the color contrast to the bright colors of the clothes and the bright red shoes were probably intentionally a bit too big.

Ron imagined himself stumbling in the ring several times.

“Stripes suit me , more than you Ron. Now close your eyes, I have to put on the make-up and the white makeup”, said Kim and concentrated on applying the makeup while Ron started to laugh because the brush tickled so much.

“Haha…that tickles KP! Don’t tell me you girls put yourselves through such torture every day”, giggled Ron and Kim had to stop what she was doing , because otherwise it would have smeared or Ron’s clown mouth would have become a weird crooked line.

“Well, with some girls at our school, you can really believe they are wearing clown makeup…..Bonnie, for example, just because she wanted to impress one of the football players, she put on this mega expensive eye shadow in midnight blue! It doesn't really match her eyes, but she was really boasting about it", Kim said annoyed and demonstrated her work after Ron had recovered from his fit of laughter and finished the relatively good-looking makeup mask for Ronald the Clown.

"Shall I paint your mask now?", asked Ron and Kim shook her head, laughing.

"Painting and applying a mask are fundamentally different things…but thanks Ron", said Kim, opened her small makeup mirror and set about making her well-cared-for skin disappear , under a layer of white clown makeup. It was a sight that the teen heroine had to get used to.

But Wade was right…for the success of the mission it would be crucial to go into the ring as circus clowns. On the one hand to make it seem believable and on the other to stop Dr. Drakken from carrying out his diablo-like plan.

So let's go. Close your eyes and go through the middle!

“I think my right shin is itching and I can't breathe through my nose, KP!”, - Ron made an unhappy expression and wanted to put his right hand to his nose to scratch it, but Kim stopped him by grabbing his hand and looking threateningly into his eyes.

“Not now, Ron, follow the clowns into the arena and then from there we'll try to get to the animal enclosures somehow , to check the food… maybe Drakken is there?”, - said Kim and gave Ron a gentle nudge in the right direction and soon the hero duo followed a small group of other clowns.

It didn't seem to really register that the two students weren't actually part of the circus and part of the upcoming show.

And so a few minutes later, Kim and Ron found themselves in the middle of the illuminated circus tent, joining the line of clowns and simply cooperating with their behavior. They joked around, teased each other and performed a dance that ended with some clowns deliberately tripping over their own feet.

It was a little chaotic and Ron seemed to be having fun despite his initial reservations and fit in wonderfully with the clown group. Kim grinned under her white makeup. Somehow Ron had often been the typical class clown and so, as the center of the crowd, they could keep an eye on everything.

When two clowns first threw a ball to each other and then it passed to Kim, the Possible spotted Shego's bright green headed towards the exit of the tent.

"Ron! There's a snake in the circus! You hold your position and I'll follow it!"

"Yuck, a snake? It's even worse than monkeys!"

"Ron, thats… Shego"

"Ah, about the green, clever KP! All right, throw me the ball”

Kim threw the ball to Ron and tried to disappear inconspicuously towards the exit, but then Shego seemed to notice her and fired a few plasma beams at her… and Kim, in her clown outfit, did a few backflips and used one of the props as a springboard to extend her grappling hook and chase Shego.

Ron clapped once, creating the illusion that it was all part of the show… which was met with applause from the audience.

The clowns continued their act and were soon replaced by the artists. Ron went with the group to the back of the ring and was even given a donut as a thank you for this performance and was asked which circus he came from.

To bridge this question, Rufus came to the rescue and performed a few tricks on a small ball that was intended for the circus dog to balance on and received applause from the clowns.

The little naked mole rat seemed to enjoy being in the spotlight just as much as Ron.

“Have you switched to clown school, Kimmy?” - Shego laughed maliciously and teasingly as she tampered with one of the food buckets and passed on information to Drakken through a walkie-talkie.

“How did you recognize me? My makeup is perfect and maybe I’ll join the circus? What brings you here? A poisonous green snake doesn’t fit in a circus, Shego", - Kim countered, using one of her gadgets to take the bucket before Shego could tamper with it.

“”Carry out a plan by Drakken…:”

“Shego! I am the leader and reveal my diabolical plan to Kim Possible!” - Dr Drakken came into the small area of ​​the animal feed supplies with a remote control in his hand and sulked when Shego wanted to reveal his ingenious plan.

“You want to control the animals with the thought of shampoo residue that you transferred via the feed into the supplies of the circus animals?” , Kim stated dryly and Drakken sulked a little more, stamped his foot defiantly and glared angrily at Kim.

“You look ridiculous in the clown costume Possible and my plan will work!” - Drakken snorted and pressed the remote control…..but his plan had a catch…because the batteries of the device were empty and nothing happened.

“Damn! SHEGO new batteries?!”

“Seriously Drakken, you don’t have any…”

“Don’t argue with the clown-possible in front of me!”

Kim used one of her attack techniques to first take the remote control from Drakken and then she whistled loudly, the signal for Ron to rush to her aid.

And Ron stumbled forward very elegantly with the big clown shoes, knocking over one of the big empty barrels with non-existent dry food for the ponies and this barrel landed on Drakken and Shego, locking the two villains in and Kim dialed the police number.

“Good job Ron! These snakes aren’t causing any more damage! We’d best tell the director about the food and that they should order more, we don’t want to take the risk that any of the shampoo will still be found,” said Kim and gave Ron a high five.

The police arrived at the right time and Shego and Drakken were taken to the nearest prison…with the barrel still over their heads and the director was informed of the incident and the animals that had already eaten the food with the shampoo were temporarily suspended from the shows…in return, the audience wanted an encore from the guest clowns.

"Maybe my future really does lead to the circus, huh?" - asked Ron as he bowed and his wig slipped off his head.

"We have a math test tomorrow and I don't think you'll be able to convince your parents of your plans to be a professional clown so quickly," - replied Kim, who also bowed and received a rose from the clown group - made from those colorful moldable balloons, of course.

"A thank you for your help," - said the circus director with a broad grin and Kim thanked him with a smile.

“Thank you… but I think I will remember this circus adventure for a long time,” grinned Possible, and when the last act of the evening was about to begin, it was time for Kim and Ron to catch their ride home.

They left the circus tent and would certainly not forget this undercover mission so quickly.

Not even because Kim and Ron would find out at home , how damn difficult and stubborn it was to wash off clown makeup.

Not to mention the headaches from the wig cap, which they had to wear for hours together with the colorful wigs.

And these would also be part of the memories.

Along with the balloon rose.

THE END

[catsharky]

I totally agree that Wheatley wasn't himself after he got plugged in! I think is reinforced by how GLaDOS was nicer when she was unplugged even before the Caroline revelations. Part of that might be that being a potato battery is pretty humbling but I like to think it's the facility messing with her and Wheatley!

Yeah! I think it's pretty much canon that being plugged into the facility does have at least some kind of mind-altering effects as a result of the scientists trying to control GLaDOS (I can't say that's a fact only because I haven't played it through in full recently enough to state it as fact)

I go into my thoughts on the whole thing a bit more under a read-more because it got kind of long:

With GLaDOS not being true AI but a digitized human mind, controlling her would have been more than just a coding problem. It was a question of how they could force control onto a person who was intended to hold power over you. Fortunately (or rather unfortunately) for Aperture scientists, morality wasn't an issue. They would have been free to use whatever methods were necessary until they found a combination that finally broke Caroline, stripped the person she had once been out, and turned her into what we see in the games.

Whatever 'conditioning' they used, it would have had to be extremely complex to keep GLaDOS from circumventing it, and in the time period the story takes place in (and even by today's standards, honestly) that would have been extremely resource intensive. Think rooms full of servers. Additionally, based on how the core transfer works in Portal 2, the part that makes up GLaDOS herself seems to be entirely contained within her 'head'. So you have miles of circuitry and computing power that's not actually needed to run the 'AI', while also needing a lot of resources to actually keep the AI in check, and it needs to be in a way that she can't sabotage to take full control. How do you do that? You hard code it into the system itself so it can't just be ripped out at the root... and then add a little Skinner box conditioning for good measure.

To further support the idea, GLaDOS shows that she's fully aware of at least some of the controls that were placed on her. Things like the testing euphoria and electric shock that's dispensed to keep her from sabotaging the tests. I find it very hard to believe that GLaDOS would be aware of those things and not be able to find a way to circumvent or disable them if she could, which implies that she flat out can't. Now look me in the eyes and tell me something could have full access to manipulate GLaDOS without her being able to reverse engineer and destroy it in the amount of time she's had to devote to it. Exactly, you can't, which means there's a different reason why she can't shut those things off, potentially because they're linked to necessary functions.

Would it not make sense if the thing keeping her from say, releasing all the test subjects were fundamentally tied to her control over the areas the test subjects are kept in? Then, if she were to break past those safeguards and gain the freedom to set them free, it would come at the expense of actually being able to do so.

So with all that in mind, Wheatley's sudden change of heart makes total sense. Experiencing awe and wonder isn't a problem because it doesn't prevent or go against what the scientists wanted. But like I said, allowing a test subject to leave? That absolutely would have been something the scientists would have had to stop a caring human mind (Caroline) from trying to do. The minute that became the topic at hand, the system pounced, the controls kicked in and 'I Am Not a Moron' became my favourite song on the soundtrack.

-

(On a related note, I also do believe that Wheatley is likely another human mind- which is pretty widely accepted by the fandom, so I'm not breaking any new ground here- but I specifically think he's not a whole human mind. It would make sense to me if he was a follow up to GLaDOS- the scientists looking into whether only using part of a mind would give them an 'AI' that would serve their purpose and not ask questions, only to find that the end result wasn't viable. After that failure they tried repurposing him as the intelligence dampening sphere like GLaDOS mentions, before shuffling him off to a job in title only. The Extended Relaxation Center is shown to be fully automated, and wouldn't have required any actual outside oversight, so Wheatley was almost definitely just running around doing busy work for a few decades until the events of Portal 2.)