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qvid-pro-qvo · 4 years ago

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i can’t hold you now (and god, it kills me)

rafael barba x female!reader. based on “townhouse incident (season 17, episode 10).”

word count: 12,500

rating: mature, for the pain that comes when someone you love is just out of reach (canon-typical mentions of rape, and tw: vivid depictions of assault and rapes in progress, blood, guns, hostage situation. not fun).

The call from Liv isn’t exactly unexpected – you’re about halfway across town to pick her up anyway, and you’d shot her a text that had gone unanswered about her preferred coffee order. The day is for the two of you. However, the request is an odd one, or at the very least, inconvenient.

You hadn’t anticipated the invitation, and like a lot of things in SVU, it came last minute. If anything, you’d thought Dodds would’ve gotten the invite, considering that he was her sergeant. But, something about your interest in the technical aspects of the jobs, the medical aspects of the jobs, hell, the lab as a whole, had caught Liv’s eye, and so when these innovations came up, a new way to look at DNA, your name was always on the list. It was an honor, and spending the day with the lieutenant never disappointed.

You answer her call with a smile. “Hey, I’m on my way, I promise. I just needed the caffeine boost for another day of lectures,” you tell her. Your voice is light, and the clock in your car tells you that there’s plenty of time. “Like, ten minutes?”

Your boss’s little chuckle is light, but there’s something strained in it. “Not a big fan of those seats personally, but. We’ve got to make a stop first.”

You reach down for your iced coffee, taking a long gulp. The sweetness on your tongue makes you smile, mainly because you can see Barba wincing at the sugary mess you insist on downing.

Rafael Barba. The A.D.A. for the Special Victims Unit, the transfer from Kings County, Harvard Law graduate, Bronx native… and your boyfriend. Even thinking it makes you smile around your straw.

It’d started off like anything else, you and Rafael. Meeting in the squad room after you’d joined up. Bickering and squabbling, different people with different worldviews in high stress situations. The amount of times Liv’s eyes had rolled at the two of you bickering could’ve broken world records. (Amanda was known for leaving the room with her hands up in the air when the two of you got particularly biting, especially if Carisi was added like a cherry on top.)

But then you’d watched him soften. Watched his way with the victims soften, watched his eyes soften. Watched squabbling and bickering turned into standing side-by-side and making snide comments from the other side of one-way glasses. Energy against turned into energy together, and the two of you became a duo that could convince a defendant of anything in those interrogation rooms.

(“At least they’re being productive,” Fin had snarked to Liv, as the two of them watched the interrogation unfold. “Last time they fought paperwork got held up for a week just to spite him.”)

And then the other shoe dropped, as it always did, with a case.

Squabbling turned into standing over his desk, facing him down over a file. You’d stared at him, eyes narrowed, hands gripping his mahogany desk.

“I will not stand by while people we promised to protect are thrown aside in the name of the law.” Your voice hadn’t even dared to waver, and he had stared right back.

His eyes had scanned you. Up, down. Narrowed, sharp, and you braced yourself for the return volley. And then he’d stared right back.

His hand reached out to cover yours. Squeezed it.

“Trust me. Neither will I.”

(The first kiss didn’t happen, then, but it came pretty soon after.)

Rafael’s a good boyfriend, even though sometimes his work prevents him from being as attentive as you know he wants to be. But there’s a catch, because there’s always a catch – you haven’t exactly told anyone yet.

At first it’d been just because it was easier. Because how can you tell the squad what you are when you don’t even know? But when long nights turned into early mornings, and conversations turned serious, it became the only way. To protect yourself, to protect the team, you needed to keep it separate. These two things could not mix, or else disaster would surely come of it.

(“I don’t even want to think about what Carisi will say,” he’d told you one night, fingers running down your arm, and you’d snorted before rolling over to kiss him, shut him up.)

So the now is like this: the day ends, he’s Rafael, and he teases you and tempts you and kisses you. The day begins anew, and he’s back to Barba, and you have to settle for good enough.

Even though he’s more, all you can be is colleagues in the squad room, in interrogations, during debriefs with Liv. Any affection you want to show has to be bottled up until those precious moments alone. It’s exhausting, but worth it, getting to know Rafael, and getting to really, truly care for him.

You shake your head, forcing your thoughts back to the present. You finish your sip, raise a brow. “What kind of stop?”

“A favor.”

You slowly pull up to a red light. The coffee is down. The phone is in the passenger seat and jolts at little at the stop, so you reach for it, turn the speaker off. When you hold it up to your ear you can catch the little things: the rustle of Olivia’s hair against the microphone, Lucy’s voice behind her, something that sounds a lot like Noah babbling.

“What’s up?” You shift in your seat, suddenly very aware of the gun on your hip.

“Lucy works with another family, asked us to check in one them. Said the mother had bruises around her neck, shooed her away after saying that the kid was sick and the husband yelled at her.” Liv’s voice is tense, and you feel your shoulders rise a little. Your jaw clenches, too. “So, can you pick me up?”

Domestic violence cases always have your anger flaring, the thought of those victims stuck and unable to get out. Your sigh is short, sad. “Yeah. I’ll grab you and we’ll head over.”

“Thanks.” She signs off, and suddenly the sugar in your coffee feels like it’s churning in your gut.

For a moment your hand runs over your phone’s screen. Wakes it up from its brief sleep, ready to text Barba – to text Rafael – the update. Might be a little late. Favor called in. But then the light turns green, and you toss your phone to the side, sighing.

You’ll do it later. After the visit. When all is said and done.

Olivia knocks. It’s loud, repetitive, sure to get the attention of whoever’s home. Your hands slide into the pockets of your jacket, your toe tapping on the concrete.

“Did Lucy say anything else?” you ask your boss, but before she can answer the door opens. Slowly, carefully, and you find yourself looking over every detail the woman who peeks out offers.

She looks exhausted, first of all. Her eyes are watery, and you can clearly see the bruising. One hand is holding the door open, the other hidden. You wonder if there’s bruising there, too, and your hands in your pockets clench into fists at the thought of someone hurting her.

“Hi, Lisa.” Your boss greets. Her smile is small, but there’s something urgent in the way she does the same scan. “Olivia Benson.”

“Right, Noah’s mom,” Lisa responds, and she’s quick to tell them that Lucy’s not there.

Liv has perfected the concerned friendliness, and her head tilts a little at the assumption. “Well, actually, I stopped by to speak with you.” With a gesture to you, Liv introduces you as a friend, and you offer your warmest smile.

“Hi, Mrs. Crivello,” you say. “How’re you doing?”

“Well, Luca’s sick, so – so it’s not really a good time,” she stammers out, and you glance towards your lieutenant, who seems unfazed. When you look back, though, you see the injuries add up. The span of the bruises. The little marks on her face.

“You have a little cut, over your eye,” you tell her. Your hand starts moving to your bag for something to dab at it, clean it up.

But Lisa just shakes her head. She looks even more teary, close to letting them fall as she pulls back a little from the door. “I should go…”

Again, Liv just looks at her, and you see her brow furrow for a moment. “Well… how about we come back later? Is that all right?”

Suddenly the two of you hear a voice from behind the mother. It’s quiet, but firm.

“Let them in.”

It’s like a switch is flicked. The uncertainty gives way, and suddenly, Lisa acquiesces. Glances down at her feet for a second before opening the door wide, and the two of you smile at her as you’re let into the apartment. But your eyes see almost nothing before something clocks you in the back of the head, and you hear Liv’s cry as she’s shoved back against the door.

There’s a clatter, but the room doesn’t go black. The hit just grazes you, fortunately and unfortunately, and you stumble forward into arms that are anything less than welcoming. A woman has Lisa, a guy with sweat on his brow has Liv against the door, and a third is the one who’s grabbing you. Your vision is blurry, and your ears are ringing, but you can see Liv lift her hands, see her look both of the captors in the eye.

There’s another girl, you realize. She’s young, a teenager, and when your eyes meet hers you can see her tears. The whole room comes into some kind of focus, and when you take it in your heart starts to sink.

Oh, fuck, what did the two of you get yourselves into?

Instincts start kicking in quick, even in your daze. Your hands test the strength of the guy behind you, which makes his grip turn bruising, and you hear the shouts of the men as they tell the two of you to drop your bags.

“Who the hell is she?!” one of them hisses, and your whole body shivers at the feeling of breath on your neck. “Who are they?!”

“My name is Olivia Benson.” There’s a shake in her voice, the adrenaline, the high, and your eyes blink a few times to focus in on her.

“Liv –“ you call out, but her eyes meet yours suddenly. She glares, and you go quiet, once again feeling those hands tighten on you. It’s as good as an order from her.

“We’re here by chance, okay, but the both of us are New York City police officers.”

The panic on them in clear, and you feel one of the hands holding you start to roam against your waist.

“Fuck, man, this one’s armed,” says the man holding you, and Olivia just sighs, nodding.

“I am, too. Okay? I am, too. I’m telling you now, do you understand?”

“Ralph,” the guy next to Liv says sharply. He’s jittery, and you see a bead of sweat drip down his brow. “Come take this.”

Your guy just stammers out something. “But I’ve got her, Joe.”

There’s no warning, from Ralph or from Joe. One moment, you’re being held to keep from struggling, and the next there’s another hit, this one against your temple. Liv’s voice is the last thing you hear as you crumple, and your mind goes blank, the room going dark.

When you stumble to consciousness again, it’s to the sound of sobbing. Your head is slumped forward, and the taste in your mouth is copper.

“Fuck,” you hiss. Every movement feels like fire, and when you blink your eyes open it’s to see one of the men, Joe, jostling the teenage girl in his arms, they’re moving towards another room. She’s screaming, Liv and Joe are talking, and Roxie is yelling. The cacophony of her voice and everyone else’s makes you wince and groan again.

“Roxie, this is on you. Let me in there,” Olivia all but snarls, and you see her get clocked across the face. Watch her stumble, get shoved on the bed. You’re pinned to the bed, you realize, as you try to reach for your lieutenant. Tied around it, your ass on the hardwood floor.

“Liv,” you whisper, and your voice makes her pause. You’re awake, after all. But the look she shoots you is sharp. She wants you to let her handle it, you realize. Throw herself in the line of fire.

Yeah, you think to yourself, unlikely without your company.

Joe. Ralph. Roxie. The trio that broke in. Ralph is… gone, now, nowhere in sight, and… where’s Lisa? Your eyes blink a few more times, the sounds around you ratcheting up to full volume as you wake.

There’s someone else here, another voice, so painfully young. A memory swims to the surface as your head swivels from side to side – Lucy takes care of their boy.

Liv hasn’t moved since she got hit, hasn’t said a thing, but the screams are raucous. They make your head spin, and Roxie only adds to it when her frustration reaches her limit.

“Can’t you just shut up? God, make him shut up,” Roxie snarls, and you blearily blink so you could turn to look at Liv. Her eyes are like daggers at the woman, who looks frantic at the noises Luca is making, the sound of… his sister…

Begging for his own sister’s life.

God. You feel sick, and combined with the concussion you’re trembling.

“You’re gonna need to untie me to do that, aren’t you?” your boss almost whispers. She’s frustrated, pulling at her restraints as her will battles Roxie’s. “Please, I’m not going to do anything stupid, just let me help the boy.”

When you look back at Roxie, she looks helpless. Even with the gun in her hand. And when she moves to untie Luca and Liv, cutting off her restraints, the sigh of relief you let out is audible, even with Roxie’s whisper threat over your head.

So Liv goes. Goes to Luca, quiets him, and her voice is so gentle. It makes your lower lip tremble, the way she cradles him against her, reaches for his iPad so he can send the world away. He doesn’t deserve this, not even a little, but Liv is there for him anyway.

Leaving you to stare down Roxie.

“You wanted this?” you mutter, and the woman’s attention shoots to you, her gun shaking ever so slightly in her hand. “It’s on you, like she said. All of this, right now.”

“Shut up,” she snaps, and Liv looks up, too, lifting from her spot next to Luca, who is thankfully engrossed in a movie.

“This can’t be the way you wanted things to go down,” she adds, and she’s able to stand to her full height, dwarf the woman who looks nothing more than a girl. Uncertain, even in her arguments.

“You don’t know me,” Roxie snaps back, and you scoff, shaking your head.

“I wouldn’t want to, if you’re fine with your boyfriend raping a sixteen-year-old girl,” you hiss. Her gun shifts between the two of you, Olivia staring her down, you glaring up from your spot on the bed. “Do you even hear that? Do you hear what he’s doing to her, that sick son of a –”

“Well, Joe does Joe, and I do me, so you better sit down.”

“You can save yourself,” Liv tries, but the girl just raises her voice, pulls back. You duck your head to hide the frustration on your features, the clench of your teeth as Liv’s phone chimes.

When Roxie moves to it, you look up at your lieutenant, who spares a glance down at you. You must look a mess, because you can feel the slow throb of your temple, the stickiness of your hair that’s surely from blood. You can smell it, on you, but even after all of it, you offer a smile. A small grimace. And when Liv turns toward Roxie again, her toe taps yours.

“Who’s Lucy?”

Liv freezes. You see her shoulders tense, and for the first time since you’ve woken up another name dances across your mind. Noah. Oh, god. All of this, and Liv has Noah, and your stomach rolls again.

Your boss is quick. Her minds works, and as you blow hair out of your face she’s reaching for the phone.

“She’s my sitter. She’s also Luca’s sitter, and she needs to talk to me. She needs to know about my son’s daycare pickup.”

Wait. Pickup? It’s… it’s what, 11:00 in the morning? Your mind swirls with confusion, but in shock you realize that Roxie is handing her the phone, that Roxie is letting her text back. Your eyes widen, and quickly you duck your head.

It’s almost in prayer, you realize. With your hands tied behind you, with the feel of them going numb against the metal that’s hot from your own body heat.

Please, Lucy. Whatever she tells you. Get it to the right people.

Suddenly, a face swims to mind, and your eyes widen, blinking away the sudden rush of tears. Liv is surely thinking about her son, but all you can think about is Rafael.

Please, Rafael. Please be the right person.

The wake-up call in the morning is a text, and Rafael Barba blinks blearily at the message. It’s almost habit that makes his lip curl up in a smile, and when he throws off the sheets it’s with a preparedness for the morning he almost never has.

Perhaps it’s just the expectation of coffee. These huge events usually have a few cups for him to help himself, too, and he knows the sight of him downing them will make your lip curl in disgust. Or maybe it’s the knowledge, knowing that going to this DNA conference will make him a better lawyer, a better advocate for the victims.

Or maybe, it’s just that the text is from you.

You’d been a surprise, when you’d met him. A veritable source of conflict on one hand, with snappy words soothed by smiles. A disregard for the courtroom, in more ways than one. A capable detective, who had a tendency to follow instinct whether it helped or hurt. At least, that’d been the pitch.

Of course, because it was Rafael, the start had been shaky. Bickering and bantering over everything and nothing. More than once Liv had to shut the two of you up with a raised hand and a raised brow, since gut collided with a man who wore suspenders and a belt.

(“If the two of you don’t get it together, I’m throwing both of you out,” she’d threatened one eventful evening, her voice very reminiscent of the tone she took with Noah. An unsteady peace was made through the end of the week.)

But just like the squad, just like Rollins, and Carisi, and Liv, all it took was one case.

One case to turn the tide.

From there, it’d grown. Moments alone, somehow snagged against all odds. Him and you in a side room in the courthouse, talking about deals. Visits to his office to break the monotony, banter and bribe with snack to take a break. You became a friend, first and foremost, and from there it slotted into place.

Didn’t take long for him to realize just how much he’d fallen for you. A kiss sealed the deal, Rafael finally working on instinct. But while the short-term was brilliant, the long-term was more… complex.

The ADA, together with a detective. Complicated to say the least, a disaster waiting to happen at most. But how could he stay away, knowing that you had a smile that was just for him? Eventually, the two of you had agreed – it would be a secret, from the squad, from the office. The only people that needed to know were you and him.

On the outside, you did your best to treat him like everyone else, treat him like before. Banter and bicker and bite. You’d slug him in the arm same as Carisi, and you laugh with him like you do Rollins, and you roll your eyes with him and Fin as the perps incriminate themselves.

But when the two of you were alone… when you knew you were alone…

Of course, that doesn’t mean that he can’t enjoy the thought of spending time with you even at work, can’t enjoy your morning texts in the privacy of his own apartment. Today is the DNA conference, after all, which is why your text isn’t surprising. He expects to see you there, you and Liv. You send him your itinerary, which matches his almost to the letter, and he thinks about you as he thinks about what to wear, thinks about you as he pours himself his coffee, and thinks to stop thinking about you as he pulls up to the conference.

And then… you’re nowhere to be found.

He double-checks the schedule you and Liv have planned out. It’s intricate, but there are overlaps. And in those sessions, he sits, thinks about saving a seat. But there’s no further texts, nothing, and that makes the lectures a bit harder to get through. He’s almost thankful for the text from Carisi, the one that pulls him up and out of his chair and out the door. Because surely this is what’s keeping you.

Got the push-in rapist.

When Rafael makes it to the precinct and immediately grabs a cup of coffee.

“What do we have?” he asks Dodds, who is the first to greet him. Not you. Or Liv. He gets filled in by the new sergeant, and by the time they make it to the one-way glass he’s noticed that the two of you are nowhere to be found. It makes his brow furrow, but soon he’s leaning against the window, watching as the man inside starts fidgeting.

“He was on top of the roof, got trapped. Had the weapon on him, too, tossed aside. It was clean,” the sergeant tells him, and Barba can’t help the lift of his brow.

“We’re sure?” he asks, letting the doubt creep in, and Dodds’ eyes narrow at the ADA.

Fin backs him up, arms crossed over his chest. “It was clean, Barba. We got him.”

There’s a bit of relief, and tension in Rafael’s shoulders drop. Fin joins the two of them in front of the window, and he nods at him. He takes a sip of his coffee, and the steps that stalk towards the squad are distinctly unfamiliar.

“Well, congratulations. You found another innocent black man.” The defense attorney is vaguely familiar, and his eyes scan the three of them with disdain (and some kind of sick glee at his own taunts). “I suppose we should be grateful that you didn’t shoot him.”

“He had a gun on him,” Fin says, no flair, just facts.

“Did he?” is the return, and Rafael looks between the two sides, brow raised. “Who planted it?”

That’s when the ADA decides then he doesn’t have time for this, and he lets his scoff sound over his coffee cup.

“Don’t troll. This is your client’s third rape. We have multiple IDs.” He says it with a confidence that he rarely gets to have, and it feels good to be able to reply with the knowledge that DNA will match, IDs will be made. Dodds again affirms the presence of DNA, forensics, and that’s that.

It could all go horribly wrong, of course, but he still has time to relish just a little in the assurances provided.

“Save it for the judge. May I?” The public defender moves smoothly into the interrogation room, and Barba watches him for a few moments before turning to Dodds again.

“Nice work.” Frank, but honest. And straight to the point. “Where’s Liv and Y/N?” he asks, casually, paired with another sip of coffee. There’s no urgency, even as he hopes that Dodds has some idea why you bailed.

But the sergeant seems unbothered, and Fin pipes up as he stands up straight, hands in his pockets. “They’re both still at the DNA conference.”

Barba stops. Pushing off of the window, stands up straight. Looks at the two officers in front of him. Smirks a little. Not a prank, he guesses. Something else came up, surely. “No, they’re not. I was there all morning. I would’ve seen them.” He doesn’t confirm how he knows he would’ve seen them, the texts from you on the cell in his pocket, but he does know that the two of you were nowhere to be seen.

And… well. That certainly catches the two of them by surprise. Dodds looks at Fin, and Fin looks back at Dodds.

“I’ll text her again,” Dodds decides. “Let’s wrap this case up, get it delivered to her signed, sealed.”

But at that point, there’s still a hesitant peace. A certainty that whatever is wrong will be resolved, wherever Liv is she’s there for a reason. Rafael finds himself hoping the same thing for you, hoping you are not far behind her, that soon enough your voice will be heard down the hall, in the elevator, your laugh pitched high among all else.

And then, the peace shatters.

“Guys, we’ve got a problem here.” Carisi’s voice is sharp, tight. His strides are long, and soon he’s across the precinct, at Fin’s desk. “Liv just texted this to Lucy, and… it’s bad news.”

Rafael’s brows inch up his head. His mind goes to the solution that’s obvious – that Carisi is overreacting. That nothing’s as wrong as the Fordham student says it is. He doesn’t even lift his pen from the paper.

And then Fin reads.

“Stuck at precinct all day. Pick up William at daycare. He has a playdate with Lewis and Y/N today.”

In a moment Barba finds his head spinning. He lifts up, looks around the room at the other men, watching as their own minds piece together the information.

William Lewis. Just the thought of him sets Barba’s teeth on edge, sets his body alight. He has to straighten so he can wrap his mind around the implication.

“William Lewis?” he repeats. Well. Says, out loud. “That’s… that’s not good.” But he remains calm. He has to remain calm. His voice is steady, even as it wants to tremble. “When did you last hear from them? From Liv?”

Barba tries to keep his cool, but he can’t ignore the way his heart is pounding. Can’t ignore the way that he turns to Dodds again. “Have you spoken to them today?” he urges, and the sergeant jaw is clenched as Rafael reaches for the phone Fin has in his hand.

His eyes scan the words. Over and over, just to confirm. He can’t help but hope against hope that Fin read it wrong, but everything is there, in black in white in front of his face. There’s a growing dread in the pit of his stomach.

“I sent Liv a text, let her know we got the push-in rapist,” the sergeant explains. “She responded.”

“Same with Y/N. I texted her, earlier, and I got a reply,” Fin tells Barba, but there’s still something that’s got him on edge.

“But did you talk to them? Hear their voices?” He hopes the others can’t hear the break in his voice, the worry in his tone. “You didn’t actually speak to them?”

The silence is deafening.

For once, he and Carisi are on the same page. Their eyes meet over Fin’s desk. “That sounds like a 10-13 if I’ve ever heard one. It’s gotta be. Lucy said that Liv checked on a neighbor this morning?”

Dodds’ voice cuts through before Rafael’s can. “Where?”

The four men find themselves all turning to the nanny, who stands off to the side. Her worry, that brought her to the precinct in the first place, seems close to crashing over her.

“Go find out.” It’s not an order, not really, but it leaves Barba’s mouth before he can stop it. And without a second to waste, Dodds and Carisi step towards Lucy, while Barba looks down to his own phone.

It’s instinct. One tap, two, three, and there’s your name. His thumb sweeps over the screen before he presses dial, and within an instant his phone is at his ear. He’s dialed your number, what feels like hundreds of times, but the ringing stretches on and on and on. Each time it goes off, he expects the call to connect, for you to tease about calling during work hours. Can’t get enough of me at work, Barba?

When he hears your voice, he starts, wants to feel that relief, but the automated message is the only thing that’s going. His heart climbs into his throat.

One more time. He pulls back, taps a couple of times. Another call, this time to Liv. The same thing. Ringing, ringing, ringing. Message.

Nothing. He tries both numbers again, with all eyes on him, with the same result.

Two of them. Two of their own. Gone without a trace. And all Barba can think about is the name William Lewis, and the sight of it so close to your own.

Nausea rolls, and he tries one more time.

“Barba,” Fin tells him. Reaches out, fingers on his desk. “Barba.”

When he looks down, Fin’s eyes are piercing him. There’s something in them, something that makes the lawyer think the old blood knows more than he ever lets on. That Fin knows exactly what the day looks like now, and what the next case will be.

“Find out,” he manages, and tries not to think about how he’s dialed your number yet again, the sound of your automated message the definition of insanity.

Your phone is in Roxie’s hand. It buzzes, over and over again, and then the same thing happens with Liv’s phone on the chair next to her. Your captor watches it, reads the name and then the notifications on your own phone. There’s a back and forth, a pause, and then she looks at the two of you with confusion.

“Barba keeps calling. And this guy, Rafael. Why?”

Your breath catches. Liv is on the bed, her feet planted next to you, and you hear her words, vaguely. Something about work.

Then you realize Roxie is staring at you, raising a brow your direction. You swallow, blink a few times. Clear your head, offer a tight smile.

“Just… probably calling to ask about a case. Let it ring. He’ll get the… the message,” you say, and her eyes narrow at you before setting your phone down.

You feel Liv’s toe tap your leg. When you look up at her, her eyes catch yours, and you feel her gaze sweep over your face before you shake your head.

Not now, Liv.

She taps your leg again, but you refuse to rise to the bait, and that’s when the door bursts open.

Joe says something, but his voice fades away. All you can see is the girl, the way her face is vacant now. The faraway look, in her eyes, and your chest tightens at the sight of her hair, limp around her face.

Your sympathy turns to anger in an instant, as she limps over to the bed. Liv’s voice is soft to the girl, but your mouth twists into a sneer as you look up at Joe, who sneers right back.

“What are you looking at?” he scoffs, and the rage is blinding.

“Untie me and you’ll find out,” you shoot back.

“Playing hero, huh?” Roxie spits, but Joe beats her to it, glancing toward your phone.

“Got someplace you gotta be? Someone at home waiting for a detective who’ll never come back?” His threat isn’t lost on you, and your instinct is gone, replace with the impulse to lash out, kick at his legs.

A third tap, a warning shot, but it’s too late. Joe reaches for your collar, and Liv’s hands reach out to stop him, press against his chest as he lunges.

“You’re okay, Joe, it’s fine,” she urges, and his mouth goes a little agape as he stumbles back.

“What the hell, Roxie? What is she doing untied?”

“She was helping with Luca –” you snap, just as Roxie says that Liv isn’t going anywhere.

“If she does, she’ll never see her son again,” Joe sneers, and he moves to retie Liv just as there’s another phone ring. But it’s not Rafael, and it’s not your squad. It’s the third wheel, it’s Ralph, and you watch as Joe’s anger is stoked again. It’s like watching a train you know is going to crash, your eyes drawn to the disaster as it happens. Joe’s frustration is only peaked by Lisa’s demands, and your admiration for the will of a mother is tempered by the way that Joe’s voice grinds on his last sentence.

“Now get the cash, or they’re dead.”

One thing after another. Your head, still pounding, can barely keep up, your energy gone from the kick. There’s a ring at the doorbell, and Joe’s corralling Tess downstairs. You strain to listen, to hear anything, but the muffled voices aren’t ones you can recognize. When Tess comes back up, she’s shaky, and Joe screaming at her doesn’t help.

“They were cops! What the hell did you say?!”

Cops? you think to yourself, and for a moment images of your team swims across your vision. Oh, god.

“Nothing, I just told him Luca and I were sick!”

Joe’s pacing now, and Liv is standing. She reaches out for them, and her voice is so strong, so calm. You’re still on the bed, attached, but you force yourself to breath in and out, to look up at Joe with Liv and try to talk him down.

“Now is the time for you guys to go,” she whispers.

“You need to stop talking,” Joe hisses, but your voice chimes in before he can think too much.

“This is only the beginning,” you add. It’s what you have to do. Make him think, make them second guess. Your hands pull at your restraints to no avail, and you huff out a breath to move the hair in your eyes. “You guys should get out of here, while you still can.”

“What do you mean?” Roxie asks, but she’s silenced by Joe. Your anger at him only grows at the way he grips her tight, enough to bruise her wrists.

“They are cops – both of them, do you fucking hear me? She is lying to you, and everything that comes from her mouth is a lie.”

“Joe, there is no perimeter,” Liv urges. “Look outside. There’s no one out there. If you sneak out the back, they won’t find out who you are.”

The conversation ends with one last word from Joe. A knife in his hand pointing at all you, even Roxie. “And we’re not going anywhere until we got the money.”

The next hour is ruthless. Your concussions settle in, and you keep having to force your eyes open as Liv moves to sit next to you. The lights and the sirens are relentless, and every so often you can’t help the groan that leaves your lips at the pain.

Liv’s at the bed, too, with Tess and Luca, and a hand reaches out to you. You hear Luca’s voice, soft and gentle. “Is she gonna be alright?” he asks your boss, and before she can answer you look up at them with a shaky smile.

“Hey, buddy. Yeah. I’m – I’m fine. Just. Just got a bit of a headache. Go back to your movie, okay?”

You try to ignore the way that Liv’s hand presses on your shoulder, the way you can feel her urge for calm through the touch. Try to forget that for a few minutes, that’s the only thing grounding you, her fingers on your skin and the knowledge that your friends are out there. Your family.

And Joe? Joe’s on the edge. His fingers keep messing with the blinds, keep pulling them down and shoving them aside when the sight of the cops steadily piling into the street overwhelms him. You watch his hands go to his hair, pull, and drop back down to his sides, watch his sweat drip down his forehead. He looks manic, he looks pissed, and Roxie’s whispered doubts only do that much more to drive him mad.

“Let Richard go,” Liv urges, at one point. “Let the kids go. Keep me – I’m your best asset.”

Oh, no, you don’t, Liv, you think. Not while you’ve got Noah.

“Keep me,” you press. Your hands are still tied, so you push forward with your shoulders. “I’ll do whatever you need to do, but if you let the kids go, if you let Richard go, use me as a bargaining chip.”

“Y/N,” Liv warns, but you pull forward again, the zip-tie digging into your skin.

“They won’t come after you if I’m inside,” you urge. “Liv’ll make sure of that. Keep me, Joe. Keep me, and… and I can get you out of here.”

But before you can push anymore, Joe is shaking his head. Roxie looks frantic, and their voices drown each other out.

“Just shut up!” is the shriek that stops her, but Liv is reaching out to him again.

“Joe. Just let the kids go.”

“Will they stand down?” Joe snaps, suddenly, at Liv. You sigh out a groan, as Liv just shakes her head. “No. Not unless they hear it from you. You’ll call them, tell them to stand down. You’re going to get us out of here.”

“Joe, they’re not going to stand down,” Liv tries, but soon her phone’s in her hand, anyway, and there’s a gun to your head. You wince, tears springing to your eyes as you squeeze them shut. Liv’s voice catches in her throat.

“There’s – there’s no need for that, Joe –“

“But I’m not playing. Call them.”

“Okay. I’m calling my sergeant. Speaker is on.”

When the gun is pulled from your head you realize you’ve been holding your breath. You gasp for air, and when the phone call goes through, Mike’s answer is drowned out by your own breathing.

At the mention of a negotiator, he loses it. There doesn’t seem to be anything that doesn’t set him off, and Roxie can’t calm him.

“No, I want to get out of here,” he snaps, and your voice comes out raw.

“We have to negotiate, Joe.” You’re begging him, begging him to see reason. “We have to, if you want to survive.”

Liv fills in the gaps. “You have a family in here, Joe. You have two police officers in here. They will burst in here if you do not negotiate. That is where we are.”

“So – so who do you trust?” the asshole sneers, and the gun points to Liv, nudges against her shoulder. “At the NYPD.”

“My squad,” she responds immediately. Your heart warms, for a moment, before the chill of Joe’s voice freezes it again.

“Oh, no. Someone with more pull.” You watch Joe lean close to Liv, watch his breath puff in her face. “So I’ll fucking ask again. Does anyone at the NYPD care if you both live, or if you die?”

You look up at her. You can see her thinking – her eyebrow twitches for a moment, her gaze drifting over the scene before her.

“What about that Barba guy?” Roxie asks, pointing her gun between the both of them. “He called both of them, he obviously seems to give a shit –”

Your heart climbs so high in your throat you choke on it. Liv’s eyes widen at the suggestion, and thankfully speaks before you can stammer out an indication in the negative. “No. Ed Tucker. He has pull.”

You try to hide your shock, the way his name twists your lips. There’s history there, more than you know, and Liv looks to you, brow furrowing, a silent plea. Something passes, between the both of you, a mutual understanding. About what it means to be someone that either of you care about.

This is what needs to happen. To get the both of you out. The both of you safe, to those who care about you the most.

“Ed Tucker, Joe. He’ll get you what you want.”

The street outside the brownstone looks like a battleground – the armored vehicles and lights flashing on closed windows.

Rafael’s steps are quick through the organized chaos, shouts from other officers as they directed the traffic around the area filling his ears, exhaust from engines rising up into the cool air. But there’s no time to linger, catch his bearings. He can only feel lost among the uniforms and bullet-proof vests. There is only the task at hand, the thought of you pushing him to keep one foot in front of the other.

And if his hands start shaking, well, that’s what pockets are for.

He sees Dodds in the distance, the man standing half a head above any others in the area. He makes quick work of the terrain, weaving through armored bodies, and soon he’s beside the man, who greets him with a tense nod.

“Where are we?”

“Ralph Volkov. Assault, drunk driving. Fired by the Crivellos’ after two failed drug tests.” Dodds is to the point. His steps are quick, and Rafael feels like he has to take two keep up with him. They’re on a fast track to the command center, and Rafael tries to ignore the pit in his stomach.

“A revenge plan?” Rafael hisses. It’s in disbelief, in horror. All of this because of some grudge? Your life over a job as a truck driver? “Do we think he’s in charge?”

“He’s not the ringleader. Through here,” Dodds tells him, but before the sergeant can reach for the door the counselor’s voice stops his hand.

“Dodds. Where… where are we?” When he asks again, he doesn’t mean for his voice to tremble, but it’s fraught with the emotions he knows he’ll need to put away.

The sergeant takes a moment. Ducks his chin, before giving an answer. One without fluff, or pomp, or poise. Just the truth. “As far as we know, they’re both there, conscious. Okay, as of a few minutes ago,” he murmurs. “But we don’t know what okay means. They’re alive. We caught a glimpse of them, both of them, through a second-story window. Some bruising, bleeding. But… the one with the phone is hopped up on something, and. We can’t get a rapport. Not a real one.”

“But we’ve heard them?”

When Dodds glances back, it’s with a sigh. Rafael tenses. “Just Liv. Her phone is the one they’ve been using. To make the calls. But she’s told us that they’re both okay, and I trust that… she knows what she’s doing.”

Rafael’s eyes widen, just a fraction, but Dodds doesn’t see. He’s already pushing forward, into the armored truck, leaving the lawyer’s thoughts scrambled. Your voicemail message seems to sing in his head. But the spiraling has to stop, and so he forces himself forward, through the door, chin lifted and steps long.

He can see him, at the end. One of the assholes responsible for taking you, for beating you. His shoulders straighten, and that fury is used to stalk close, tilt his chin down and glare. His presence makes the man shrink, and he relishes in that pleasure.

“Hello, Ralph. I’m Assistant District Attorney Rafael Barba. Who’s we?”

He’s pathetic, the man in front of him. Voice a mumbled mess, clothes dirty. His hands are cuffed in front of him, and he can barely look Rafael in the eye. But he answers, slowly, blinking up at the lawyer. “Me and my sister, Roxie. We needed money, for my ma, she. She needs a new hip, she can hardly walk.

Dodds says something. Rafael’s mind is on the name. Roxie. Roxie. Roxie and Ralph, the fucking dynamic duo.

Suddenly Ralph is pushing back. “Yeah, but she didn’t want to hurt anyone either. And Joe came along. All of this was his idea, man, not ours.”

Rafael takes a seat. He’s level with this guy, and it makes him sick to his stomach. “Uh-huh.” His voice is hoarse. Bitter. “Joe’s his real name?”

The man doesn’t respond, seems to shrink back, and Rafael finds his temper flaring, his voice going sharp. His hand reaches out to snap under the man’s nose. He sits down, and the only place he’s looking is at the dumb son of a bitch in front of him. “Ralph. Look at me. Anyone dies in there, you’re on the hook for felony murder.” He doesn’t want to think about you, about your body coming out, not your life. His vision goes a little red, and he leans close with a tight tone. “You help us or you’re gone.”

That seems to get his attention, and Ralph nods, swallowing down his fear. “Joe’s his real name. Joe Utley.”

Fin moves to the laptop quickly, looking at his sergeant. Their glance is exchanged, but Rafael’s mind is fixated on the three names he has. Ralph. Roxie. Joe Utley. All of them responsible for taking you. For taking Liv. He finds himself squeezing his knee under the table, praying for a moment that the crime he prosecutes them for doesn’t have – fuck, doesn’t have murder in the damn headlines.

And then he gets a text from Carisi. His hand goes to Ralph’s phone, next to him, and the latest text shines up. The two kids, huddled together on the bed, Liv to the side, and you… sitting against the bed on the floor, looking up. There’s blood, on your forehead. Some down the side of your neck. Your eyes look glazed, dull, and all the blood drains from his face.

When he holds up the photo, he can barely speak.

“This photo.” His voice is raspy, and his hand is almost shaking. “Is this the last time you had contact with Joe and Roxie?”

Ralph confirms it, and that’s when he has to step away. He just hears a fraction of what Dodds says. It doesn’t matter. It just confirms the filth that has you captive in that fucking building. Has to pull back, take a breath. There’s a fury within him that only builds as Ralph pushes back, refuses to cooperate when you’re inside that damn townhouse –

Fin’s voice cuts through the chaos, goes straight to the point. Tucker and Dodds and Rafael watch on, as the detective leans close, scowls at the perp. “Let me ask you something, man. Do you ever want to see your sister alive again?”

Rafael swallows at that. Looks down at his phone. Can’t watch as Dodds holds up the phone to Ralph, can’t do anything but close his eyes and turn as the hand is dealt.

And then Ralph stammers. There is nothing more useless than a juris doctorate in that moment, watching as the man turns. Admits that he’s caught, that it’s done. Nothing more horrifying than the sound of Joe’s voice on the other end of the line, a furious shout of a curse before the line goes dead. And nothing more nauseating than knowing that whatever happens next, Rafael can’t do a damn thing.

“Son of a bitch!” Joe screams, and you can’t help your wince. The noise seems to rattle your brain, and when you open your eyes again the man is leaning on the fireplace.

The four of you – including Liv and the kids – had been moved downstairs as Ralph’s absence stretched longer. And no matter how much you wanted these bastards ended, you couldn’t help your prayer that Joe would just get what he wanted. Anything to keep him sane, to keep him from using one of the kids as a punching bag, or from hurting Liv.

But with Ralph out of the picture, caught by the police… you can’t help but notice the way that your chances get slimmer and slimmer. Your eyes flick toward your lieutenant, the strongest woman you know, and you can’t help but feel the doubt. Doubt that trickles down your cheek with a couple of tears, a mixture of blood and sweat joining it.

And Rafael… your throat closes up at the thought of him, swimming around in the back of your mind. Usually such a comfort, and now the guilt kills you. The knowledge that you’d – fucking hell, that you could’ve seen him for the last…

You have to physically shake your head. Enough that Liv’s hand reaches out for you.

No. You have to see him again. You have to.

Joe and Roxie are yelling now. Back and forth, back and forth, and you want to sink further into your chair but can’t get far enough away. It all bounces in your head, and everything just as you hear Joe’s voice scream into the phone.

“What?”

The silence is deafening. Joe’s ultimatum more so. And then the phone is shoved into your hands, along with a threat for your life, the gun pointed at you.

“Ralph, and the cash, or your pretty little girlfriend dies. Or what about… what about this one? This useless bitch, huh? Not much stopping me from putting a bullet in her head.”

Your energy is used to glare up at the man. You feel Liv freeze beside you as you lift your mouth to the speaker.

“He… he really wants Ralph back in here, Tucker.”

“Yeah. I, uh. Understand that. But that’s not something we can do right now.”

Your head drops. The phone and your hand drop. And Liv’s voice is next to you, soft. “He’s telling you the truth, guys. We’re not allowed to send civilians inside.”

“All right. Then I’m done talking.”

There’s a hitch to your breath at the end of Joe’s statement, and Rafael’s hands are limp at his sides. He can picture it so vividly – he knows what Joe looks like. It’s not hard to visualize him lifting a gun and aiming it at you. Barba barely notices he starts to tremble as he anticipates the sound, that one final sound.

Luckily the finality is something that Tucker doesn’t accept. And at the sound of Joe’s request to talk to Ralph.

After all, he knows what that look on Tucker’s face is trying to tell him. He sees the way the man turns to him like he understands. With Liv on the other end, perhaps that’s what he’s hoping to convey. The urgency, the knowledge that he’s doing everything he can.

Little does he know.

There’s yelling, fighting. Tucker tries to talk them down again, but Roxie and Joe on the other end of the line are going off at each other, and then there’s a clatter. The whole room seems to wince at it, and when there’s silence on the line no one can breathe.

“Everybody okay?” Tucker asks. But even when the silence breaks, the tension is still thick. Rafael feels it clawing at his throat. And Liv’s voice on the other end, shaking, makes him lift a hand to his hair.

“Okay. So we know that Ralph’s not coming in here, but do you have his money?”

The trade develops. Slowly. Too slowly, and your name doesn’t come up once. It makes Rafael’s twitch, and by the time the final deal is made, he’s had enough of it. One person. One person, and it’s not you. It’s not you.

The door is opening, and Rafael is gone before he can think. He’s pushing out of the van and starts pacing behind the command center, muttering something to himself. He’s halfway through the recitation when he realizes it’s a prayer, and almost done with it when he sees Carisi just a few feet away, making his way to where Rafael just left.

He doesn’t stop the detective from coming closer. If anything he almost welcomes it. Carisi looks almost as harried as he is, and he can’t help the way his lips twist at the familiarity of Carisi’s “counselor” in his mouth.

“How’s it goin’ in there?” For a first question, Rafael is struck by how little he can bear to answer.

“The… the father’s in bad shape. They’re organizing a trade,” he whispers, and hates the way that his voice cracks. The way he looks up at the row of townhouses and has to swallow his fear so he doesn’t vomit with it.

Suddenly Carisi’s face softens, somehow, even more. He looks at Rafael with pity. And while the counselor wants to bristle at it, he can’t.

“We’ll get them out, counselor,” the blond promises. “We’ll get Liv, and we’ll get them out –”

But when Rafael lifts his hand, it’s to silence him. To just glare, work his jaw, and try not to shatter so completely.

“It’s not just Liv,” he spits, and the admission takes even him by surprise. “It’s not. So. Please, just.”

He doesn’t know what Carisi is seeing when he looks at Rafael in that moment. He doesn’t know what the detective thinks. But no matter all of his words, his teasing, he knows that the man isn’t stupid, and can put the pieces together on a simple puzzle.

Who else is in that fucking room? Who else could the squad lose?

“I can’t lose her.” Carisi’s jaw clenches, his whole body tensing in Rafael’s periphery. But there’s no answer, because the detective isn’t stupid.

Not enough to make empty promises.

Mike’s eyes meet yours first when he comes through the door. He reassures Joe that his demands are being met – the money, the car, the goddamn plane – but he can’t stop looking at you. Maybe it’s the blood at your temple, the way your hands are gripping armrests on the chair you’re basically strapped to. Maybe it’s the dazed look in your eye that you’re sure you have, a concussion wreaking havoc on your system. But it doesn’t matter. He can’t help you.

Joe’s orders to strip had made too much sense – forcing them down to the bare essentials to come in and get the father out. But seeing it, seeing how vulnerable Mike it makes your chest hurt, and as he stands before Joe and his fucking assault rifle basically bare, you can’t help your desire to reach out to him.

“Everything is on its way,” Mike tells Joe, meeting his gaze head on – a steady lift of the chin while Joe fidgets.

And then the vests come off, too. And you have to watch Mike leave without any protection, his back so vulnerable, and you have to watch Joe’s eyes follow him, and once he leaves the breath you let out is audible. Audible enough to earn you a glare.

“What?” he snaps, and you just shake your head, offering a smile that feels like

“Nothing, Joe. That was a good thing you just did, letting Richard get the helps he needs,” you tell him.

There’s a beat, and then before you can react he’s lunging forward, his fist and thankfully not the butt of the gun smacking you across the face.

The kids scream, a horrific sound as your head is whipped to the side, eyes closed tight as you groan and try not to look at them.

“I’m – I’m okay…”

“You’re laughing,” he hisses, bending forward. “You’re fucking laughing at me.”

“Joe,” Liv says with a sharp tone. She doesn’t come to you, but her eyes are wide as your body pulls in on itself, barely able to look up and see her through the tears in your eyes. “Joe, look at me. That was good, getting Richard out of there. The car is… is coming, okay? It is, and… when it’s here we can start working on an exit strategy.”

“I have an exit strategy. For me, and for Roxie,” he snaps. His voice is hoarse from yelling, and then the phone rings again. Joe picks it up, and he’s moving from the hall to the table and back again, the end of the line approaching steadily.

“I’m gonna send someone out to check the car. I want the keys in the ignition, I want the engine running, and I want all those ESU guys gone, y’hear me? I want a clear path!” The phone is tossed away, connection gone, and then Joe’s in front of you again, bending forward, grinning. “About time to make yourself useful.”

“Joe,” Liv murmurs, trying to reach out to him, but the gun is quickly pointing at her.

“Shut up, boss lady!” he snaps. “The both of you are gonna put the vest on Roxie, and then she’s gonna go out there and check the car.”

What else can you do but comply? Joe’s release on your restraints has you stumbling forward, but when Liv goes to get you she’s pushed away by the firearm. You slowly rise to your feet, and there’s blood falling steadily from your nose as you stumble forward.

There’s no affirmation. Joe can only hiss out a curse, and then he’s stumbling away towards the back of the house.

The front of the house feels cold. By the time you make it to Roxie it feels like an eternity, and you and Liv have to get to work buckling her up. You’re so disoriented, the world spinning, that when you realize Liv is talking she’s already halfway there.

“Roxie,” she murmurs. “You can save yourself. You realize that? Right now. your brother is out there, and you don’t have to die. All you have to do is drop to your knees and put your hands up.”

Your hands are finally free. It feels good being able to roll your wrists, but you can barely focus as you realize you’re looking up into Roxie’s eyes. Your brain stumbles through its recollection, and when you do manage to speak it’s small. Soft. So Joe can’t hear.

“Save yourself, and your brother, Roxie, okay?” you whisper. “Get out of here. For him, you understand.”

“Just – just shut up,” she snaps, and Liv buckles her in.

It’s torture watching her leave. Joe’s back now, and the phone is at his hear, while Liv’s at the window, watching. But the light from outside makes your head spin. All you can do is stumble back to a chair, count to ten, and try not to cry.

You wish you had a hand on your back right now. Someone rubbing small circles into your skin. You can hear his voice, Rafael’s, in your ear, low hums as the two of you relax on the couch…

No.

You blink a few times. You can hear Roxie’s voice over the phone. Her sharp gasp, the long pause. You hear Rafael, then, too, urging you onto your feet, urging your mind to come together for just a bit longer…

No. He’s not – he’s not there. He’s outside. He’s not on the phone, he’s not on a couch, he’s outside and waiting and you’re stuck in here. It makes you want to scream, and your fingers lift to curl in your hair.

And then Carisi’s voice filters in over the phone.

“Hey, hold up, she’s surrendering. We got her!”

Something in Joe seems to snap at that moment. His eyes are wild, the assault rifle draped over his body, and when he lifts to gun to direct it between you and Liv.

“We’re almost there,” Liv tries to tell him. But you know she’s telling you, too. You try to nod, but there’s a flash of light as you struggle to stay conscious.

We’re almost there, Rafael whispers in your head, his little smirk so clear.

Okay, Rafa. Okay.

“It’s your terms,” Liv’s saying. “You tell Tucker how to do this… we’re so close to getting out of here.” Even as your head hangs you can’t help your smile. That’s your lieutenant. That’s Olivia fucking Benson. Allying herself. Protecting you. Your everything aches and she knows it and she’s still there.

The phone rings. Tucker’s voice filters over all of you.

“Now I’m gonna need something. The kids, Joe, okay?”

But Joe’s ready. Joe’s fired up, thanks to Liv. She’s there with him, she almost smiles at him, as he ends the negotiations. He’s ready to get out of there, he’s ready to live.

She’s got him, you think. She’s got him, right where she wants him.

“Joe, we kept our side,” Tucker says. “We’ll need at least one kid.”

“Fine,” he snaps. “You get the boy. When I get into the car you get the boy.” And then his smile goes rancid, evil, cruel.

“But I’m keeping my girls.”

Rafael’s leg can’t stop bouncing. He’s made his way back inside the command center, and the hustle and bustle never stops. People are in, people are out, and all he can think about is you. All he can hear is your voice is his ear, all he can focus on is getting you out safe.

Which sucks, because he can’t do a damn thing about it.

He shouldn’t even be here. He should be home. He should be home but he hasn’t been able to move since he made it to this chair.

His fingers go to your tie. It’s around his neck, but it’s yours. One you bought for him, the burgundy something you said brought out his eyes. You’d handed it over with a wink, at the end of a day that’d had you both in the office for longer than you strictly should’ve been.

Just for you, you’d said. It was basically calling your name.

God, what’d he give to hear you calling his name.

He doesn’t have an earpiece in his ear. So he doesn’t know why the cops all around him suddenly tense up, he doesn’t know why they file out of the command center and start loading their guns. What he does know is when Dodds peeks in, Carisi’s eyes visible behind him through the doorway.

“Barba,” the sergeant barks out. “They’re coming out. Stay down and stay behind, Joe is coming out –”

Rafael’s throat closes up. “With who?” he asks, but Dodds is already gone. Carisi peeks in.

“All of them, Rafael,” he says. “Liv, the kids, and –”

Rafael doesn’t need to hear your name. He’s already up. He’s led by Carisi to a vest, he’s led by Carisi to a spot behind the line of armed officers, and all he can do is watch as everyone watches the doors.

“They’re coming out by the garden level!” someone yells, and guns are aiming before Rafael can think.

He sees you first. It’s not hard to miss you. Your hair is whipping around your head a little from the wind, and there’s...

“That’s blood,” he whispers to himself. “God, that’s blood.” It’s dripping down your face, or it was – from your nose, all over your face and mouth.

“Barba,” Carisi whispers back, and that’s when he sees the gun.

No! his brain screams. His body is motionless. The gun is against your head, and you’re walking, no, stumbling forward ahead of him.

He sees your lips moving. You’re talking to Joe – Joe, surrounded by you, and Liv, and the kids. Your hands are up.

Joe starts yelling. “Farther back! Get farther back!”

“Get back,” Carisi says, and he shouts it a little louder for the group. Everyone starts backing up. Everyone does, and Rafael watches as the four of you creep towards the car. Liv is talking now. She’s right in his ear.

And then the kids get let go. He seems a small smile play across your face, as Joe looks back at Liv.

“He’s letting both kids go!” Dodds shouts. Someone rushes up to meet them, carries them away, and Rafael watches as Joe is flanked by you, by Liv. The kids are rushed away, and the breath Rafael can take after that is minimal. It’s minimal and you’ve still got a gun to your head.

There’s talking. There’s more talking. The car is only inches away.

And then your elbow swings.

“Joe,” you whisper. “Keep the gun to my head.”

You feel the pressure against the back of your head. Right against the bruise from this morning. “Good, Joe. We’ll keep pushing forward, okay. I’m gonna keep my hands up, and you…”

“Shut up.”

Your mouth closes tightly. The inching forward is tedious, but you creep with every step. And then Liv starts talking.

“You don’t need the kids, Joe,” Liv whispers. “You don’t need them. Let them go, all right? It’s just about you and us, no one else.”

And then they’re gone. The kids. They dart away, and your eyes close tightly, the smile on your face momentary. One step closer. You can almost hear Rafael still. Almost there.

You feel Liv’s foot tap against yours as the group of you come to a halt. And when your eyes meet hers you can’t help what happens next.

There’s a mutual understanding. One that the two of you come to, in that moment, surrounding Joe, protecting him. His voice is still in your ear, but it doesn’t matter, in that moment. In that moment, it’s just you and Liv, and you see her eyes flick to Joe’s head before glancing down to your elbow.

“Get in,” Joe snaps, and you nod.

You know what she’s asking of you. You what she’s begging for. Safety for the kids, for the parents, for the nightmare to end.

“I will, Joe. I’m just gonna tell Tucker the plan.”

And you know that while she thinks of Noah one last time, steeling up her courage as the two of you shuffle towards the car, that you think of Rafael Barba.

“Get in!” he shouts, and you swallow tight.

Three fingertips against your hand give one tap.

“I’m just gonna tell –“

Two fingertips.

“Get in the damn car, you bitch!”

One finger, one more second.

His gun lifts from your head.

One smile staring up at you from his contact photo, one kiss that he gives with his hand tangled into the hairs on the back of your neck –

Go.

You throw an elbow, and Liv throws herself to the side while you drop. You hear the command, the gunshot, and everything stops as it rings in the air.

And then Joe’s body crumples. There’s a thud as it hits the ground. and you wait for the other shoe to drop. Liv’s own body falling, a new radiating pain in your side. But there’s nothing. Fucking nothing. It’s over.

“He’s got a gun,” you murmur, but it’s so quiet it’s just to yourself. You can’t speak up louder, the sound of the shot that killed him ricocheting in your head, rattling around until your eyes cross and you can’t think.

The yelling of the officers around you can’t stir you from your daze. Nothing seems like it can. You’re holding your hands over your ears to try and quiet what you can, your eyes wide as you stare at Joe’s dead body. And then it hits you, all at once. Like a fucking tidal wave.

It’s done. You’re free. And as you turn towards the crowds around you, shaky legs and a migraine making you stumble, one name is on your lips.

“Rafael?”

It starts out small. Low. Quiet. You can hear Liv next to you, calling out for Noah and people start crowding before you can think.

“Rafael?”

Another time. Louder, fiercer. You can’t see him, but you need to. You know he’s here, he has to be. Your throat almost can’t push the sound out, but it goes, fierce and brave.

“Rafael!”

And then you see him. There. You see him, you see the bright purple tie, the way he’s turning any way he can to find out where your voice is coming from. It’s almost comical, and you start laughing, a lot hysterical at the same time tears start coming down your cheeks.

Laugh. Cry. Same thing. It doesn’t fucking matter. The next thing you know you’re pushing towards him, and it takes one more turn for him to see you, to start moving through the crowd. You throw your arms around him as he does the same to you, and everything inside of you seems to fall apart.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers, over and over again. “Lo siento, mi amor, lo siento, estoy aqui.” But his apologies mean nothing more than just hearing the sound of his voice, pressing your lips to his mouth and neck and shoulder as you press as close as you can, hug as tight as you can, hide as much as you fucking can.

“I – I was so sc-scared,” you sob out, and that’s when your legs give out. Rafael has to try and catch you, and almost can’t, the way you go dead weight on him. But there’s nothing left to give, no more strength, and in the end he holds you as the medics rush you.

Liv’s voice fades in behind you. “I’m fine, go to her, I’m fine. Where’s Noah?” Tucker’s voice is trying to assure her that they’re getting him, that he’s coming, but then everything fades out again.

You’re so tired. God, you’re so fucking tired.

Your head hurts so bad.

Shit.

“Rafa,” you whimper out, and his shushes are gentle, one of his hand lifting to shakily push through your hair. There are other bodies around the both of you, and you try not to think about how when his hand pulls away you can see your own blood on it. Blood. Like your nose.

“Cariño,” he murmurs. “What happened?”

“Got… hit. In the head,” you whisper, and that’s when everything goes black.

You wake up in the hospital. You wake up, and things are still a little fuzzy, but you wake up at all, and that’s a minor miracle. You could’ve slept for another week, you think, if the way your head is pounding tells you anything.

“Fuck,” you hiss immediately, when everything hits you all at once. The lights, the beeping, the feeling of your body, somehow weightless and heavy as hell at the same time.

“They wouldn’t let me in.”

You have to blink. The lights are still too bright, and the voice almost doesn’t sound like it’s coming from in the room. After all, Rafael’s voice was in your head throughout the last few hours of that damn mess.

Right. The townhouse.

You blink again. Rafael is sitting next to you. His eyes are on you, and he’s leaning forward, his elbows on his knees.

You try not to think about the way his sleeves are rolled up, the way he looks like he hasn’t slept. There’s a bit of stubble on his face, and you want to reach out and touch it – he’s never not clean-shaven.

“What’d you say?” you murmur. Your mouth feels like cotton.

“They took you away,” he whispers, and reaches out to grab your hand. “They took you away, out there, and… they didn’t let me in because I’m not family.”

Everything slowly comes back in.

“You’re here now,” you whisper, and he shakes his head.

“I wasn’t. Not the whole time you were... I wasn’t.”

“You were... you. You were.”

You struggle to sit up, but there’s oxygen in your nose and you can’t pull at it. You’re so weak, and everything, everything hurts. But. But the kids, Liv –

“They’re okay.” That’s when you realize that you were talking out loud, and Rafael reaches up to brush your hair back. Leans forward to kiss your forehead. “They’re okay. You’re okay.”

“Rafael.”

“The squad didn’t know. No one knew. So no one could vouch… no one knew, when your name was on there, too, with Liv, with... fuck, William Lewis...”

You’re blinking. You’re blinking a lot. Something is prickling at the corners of your eyes, and you let the tears fall. “Rafael. I’m here. I’m…”

He leans up to kiss your forehead again, and you realize he’s crying, too. You can feel something wet against your skin, and he’s holding you so close.

“You almost weren’t, and. They know now,” he whispers. “I told them. If anything ever happens, I – I need to be in here first.”

You don’t have time to process, and frankly, you don’t want to. Because Rafael is here, in your room, holding you gently, and you hear his voice in your ear just like you did earlier. You hear his little murmured prayers against your head, thanks to God, in Spanish right at your collarbone.

You didn’t tell anyone because it was safer. You didn’t tell anyone because it was easier. You didn’t tell anyone, and it still ended with you in a hospital bed.

He told them. And you can’t help but… but feel grateful.

No more uncertainty. No more secrets. No more, if it means that he gets there just a little bit earlier. If it means you know that he’ll be there.

“If anything ever happens to you,” you mutter back, “you best believe I’m beating down the doors. Family or not.”

It’s slurred, your words. Things are getting a little fuzzy, again. You think it’s something about the medicine that’s dripping into your arm. It doesn’t matter. Rafael’s holding you so tight.

“Of that I have no doubt, cariño. Now get some rest for me.”

tag list - @writefasttalkevenfaster // @hurricanejjareau // @crazyshannonigans // @goldenxreid // @teamhappyme // @chasingeverybreakingwave

#rafael barba x reader #rafael barba #female!reader #olivia benson #law and order: svu #my fic #tw blood #tw guns #tw rape #tw rape mention #canon-typical violence #hostage situation

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agentcable · 3 years ago

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Hollow

Title: Hollow TV: Law & Order: Special Victims Unit Pairing: Rafael Barba x OFC Prompt: / Word Count: 3,428

Part 3

Lauren was enjoying her day off work. Rafael and she had found a routine that was fitting both their busy work life. When both were working they had either Rafael's mother watch Mariella or they brought Mariella over to Olivia where Lucy was watching Noah and their daughter together.

Lauren was putting Mariella down for a nap when her phone rang and woke the almost sleeping baby back up. The little girl started crying. Lauren sighed and picked up her landline looking at the caller. "It better be a good reason for calling me and waking Ella back up." Lauren was half the night awake caring for a restless Mariella. She needed sleep and it would have been nice to take it during her daughter's nap.

"I'm sorry to interrupt your day and wake up Ella but Olivia needs you down at the station", Fin apologized. "And no... it's not about missing paperwork. Just come over as soon as you can."

Lauren looked at the clock in the kitchen and exhaled. "Alright Fin. I'm on my way. But I have to bring Mariella with me. Lucy isn't available and Rafael's mother has an urgent meeting she needs to attend." Meanwhile, she's packing the diaper bag and changing the baby's outfit. "I'm on my way."

"Alright. Drive safe and don't hurry. If something happens to you guys, Barba's going to have our heads for it", Fin answered and ended the line clicked signaling that Fin hung up.

***

An hour later, Lauren entered the 1-6. She pushed the stroller into the bullpen and looked around. There was no one around. The precinct looked deserted. She walked with the stroller to Olivia's office. She lifted her hand to knock but the door was opened by Fin. "There you are." He helped Lauren inside Olivia's office. "I'll leave you two alone and man the phones." Carisi and Amanda were out probably following up a trace. Fin smiled at Mariella and the baby is laughing. Then he left the office closing the door behind him.

Lauren got Mariella out of her stroller and turned to Olivia. "Where's the fire, lieutenant?" Olivia stood up from her desk and walked over. "This morning a teenager came in and accused her caretaker in her group home of sexually assaulting her. We took him in for questioning but we got nothing out of him", she explained.

"And that's a reason for me to come in and bring Mariella with me?" Lauren was irritated. But Olivia shook her head. "It's nothing new that the perps are lying or at least don't say the whole truth during interrogation. That perp though... We didn't even start interrogating him when he asked for you."

"Me? But why?" The detective was puzzled. Why would a perp directly ask for you? The lieutenant walked over to a window. "Let me introduce you to Chester Sullivan. Fin got his files from his workplace. We checked him with our system. In both, we found a sealed file. Your name is mentioned in those files." Lauren walked up to the window with Mariella on her hip. The hair on the back of her neck stood up when she heard the name. Chester Sullivan. She never believed that her past would bite her ass some time in her life.

Lauren stepped closer to the window and looked through. Olivia stood next to her. The lieutenant didn't understand what was going on but she sensed it wasn't good. So she was standing close to her, but far enough away to give her space. Lauren stayed silent and stared through the window. Chester looked straight ahead. The young mother had the feeling that his cold, blue eyes bored holes into her body. Her face paled and she took a wobbly step back. Why did he have to come back now? Lauren was happy, had a little girl, and was engaged. Her life was perfect. This could ruin so many things.

Olivia stepped next to her. "What is going on, Lauren?" But Lauren didn't hear her. Everything sounded like it was muffled and far away. The next thing Lauren registered was the scenery change. Suddenly she wasn't in Olivia's office anymore but in her room in the group room.

***

Young Lauren just entered her room and closed the door behind her. She had just put down the three-year-old for the night. It was beyond her why she had to do it and not their caretaker. The girl sighed and changed into her pajamas. She still got some homework left to do and Lauren was adamant about finishing it. The prospect of a free weekend without homework or study spurred the girl on. The desk lamp was turned on. She sat at her desk and took out the rest of her homework. The room was completely dark beside her desk lamp.

When there was a knock on her door, she had already been able to do a small part of her homework. Lauren welcomed the person behind the closed door into her room. She was lucky that she didn't need to share her room with another girl. "I just want to check in on you to see if you need any help."

Chester smiled and took a seat on her bed next to her desk. "I'll see that you're nearly finished. I don't have to remind you not to be up too long." The man put a hand on her thigh and brushed over the skin. Lauren held her breath and tried to slide away from him. She was in a similar situation with him before and just wanted to flee. The young girl didn't want to go through it again.

"Come on. Don't be like that. I know that you want it", Chester said and pulled her towards him. "We both know that you liked what I did last time, right." Lauren shivered and tried to get away from him. But she couldn't. Chester had a tight grip on her arms. "Time to get the action started." The man was twice her age. The ID she found once shows that he is at least 32 years old. Chester laid the teenage girl on her bed, then turned off the desk lamp and shrouded the room in complete darkness. He chuckled. "Let's get started. Today we won't be interrupted because everyone is asleep."

Lauren closed her eyes and wished herself to her happy place. Everywhere in her imagination was better than the now.

***

"Lauren? You still here with us?" Olivia took Marielle into her arms. The baby tried desperately to get her mother's attention. Fin walked into Olivia's office and looked at her. "Everything okay in here." The sergeant could see through the blinds that weren't closed that something wasn't alright in Olivia's office and thought he should at least quickly check-in.

The lieutenant glanced over to him. "I don't know what's going on. One moment she's talking with me and the next she's somewhere else and doesn't react to a single thing around her." Olivia had trouble holding Mariella on one arm and caring for Lauren at the same time. Fin strained over to Olivia. "Let's get her to the couch. After I will get a glass of water and we'll wait together until she's coming back."

Fin led Lauren to the couch and gently pushed her down. All this time she didn't acknowledge his presence. Her glance was still far off. "You should also sit down, Liv. Ella is squirming a lot and I'm sure you don't want to drop her." Olivia nodded and sat down in an armchair next to her detective. "Good. I'll go and get a glass of water. I'm right back."

The sergeant left the office and left the door open. Olivia stayed behind and kept a close eye on Lauren while entertaining Mariella. The little girl shouldn't worry about her mother right now. Mariella had a lot of fun. She played with the lieutenant's hair. The baby sometimes looked at her mother and tried to gain her attention but didn't get fussy one bit as she saw that she didn't get it.

Fin came back with a glass of water and put it down on the table in front of the couch. "How is she?"

Olivia shook her head. "Nothing changed so far. Do you think we should call Barba? Maybe he can help us or knows what's going on with her." Fin took a close look at Lauren who still sat on the couch. Her expression was blank and she didn't lift a finger. You'd think she was a life-size, living doll.

Fin looked at Olivia. "I'll go and call Barba. Maybe he'll know what's going on." The sergeant stood up. His words seemed to get through to Lauren. "Don't call him. He can't take the case." The detective spoke quietly and Fin and Olivia had to listen carefully to understand her. Fin sat back down and took Mariella from Olivia. The little girl giggled. The lieutenant put a hand on the detective's knee. "Why can't he take the case?"

Lauren looked at her daughter and back to Olivia and Fin. "The jury would consider it biased because he is personally involved through me."

***

"Ms. Wilson... Is it right that you accused my client, Chester Sullivan, of sexual assault before?" the defense attorney asked Lauren. The detective was on the stand testifying. Barba was in the gallery. He recused himself from the case after Olivia told him that he's personally involved and that the jury might see it as prejudice. Lauren wished he wasn't here today. She told him some parts of what happened in her past but not all. It's going to hurt him when she's pushed to retell the other parts he doesn't know about just yet.

"That's correct. I was 18 years old when I reported it." Lauren answered and looked at the defense. To Barba's dislike, Buchanan has taken on Sullivan's defense. Lauren knew that she was in for a hard cross-examination but she was well prepared. And Rafael reassuring her that he won't leave her helped too. Buchanan nodded at Lauren's answer. "But why not earlier? Why not right after the first time?"

Lauren bit down on her lower lip nervously before she answered. "I was scared that no one would believe me. I had no evidence. It would have been he said she said."

"Alright. When you reported it, you said that it was going on for over two years. Why at the age of 18? What made you change your decision?" Buchanan was brutal. The detective had a slight feeling for what the lawyer was out for. Barba and Olivia shared a quick glance with each other. Both were tense and suspected what he was going for.

Lauren sighed. "I was raped by Mr. Sullivan. I went to the hospital and told them that I would go to the police myself." Buchanan nodded and walked back over to his desk getting the report she filed. He read the file and stepped towards her with the folder in hand. "Are you sure? Because the rape kit shows that the injuries you sustained could also be for rough sex. Was it consensual?"

Lauren scoffed. "It wasn't consensual. I screamed at him to stop. I scratched and punched him. I never wanted to have sex with him. He raped me." The courtroom was deadly silent after her exclaim. Lauren looked to the jury and back to the SVU ADA. But he wasn't much of help. The man looked at her with a look that said "I knew you would blow the case up".

"Am I right that you're engaged to Mr. Rafael Barba?" Buchanan questioned her. Lauren nodded. "That's right. But I don't understand what that's got to do with the case." The detective threw a short glance at the ADA. He leaned back in the chair and watched the scene play out.

"Is it right, that you're quite a lot younger than him?", the lawyer went on. A small smile came on his face. "You don't need to confirm this. But... could there be a chance that you like older men? Or is there any other reason for you to be with older men?" Lauren bit down on her lower lip again. That's when the ADA stood up and objected against Buchanan's approach. Nevertheless, the prosecution was too late and the jury heard it. Buchanan just put out reasonable doubt about Lauren's testimony in this case. "Withdrawn", Buchanan said before the judge could further intervene.

Buchanan asked her a few more questions before finishing his cross-examination with a satisfied look. The district attorney didn't object besides Buchanan's question to her current relationship. It was related to the age gap between her and Rafael. "Nothing further, your honor", Buchanan said and sat down next to his client. The judge turned to Lauren. "You're free to go, Ms. WIlson."

She stood up and left the witness box in a hurry. Rafael rose from his seat, so his girlfriend could take a seat between him and Olivia. But Lauren walked past him and left the courtroom. The ADA stared after her before making a move to follow her. Olivia grabbed his hand and shook her head. Rafael sighed and sat down. The lieutenant squeezed his hand and lent towards him. "Stay here. I'm going to check on her. I'll let you know if she needs you. Is your phone on silent?" The man nodded. "Yes. Thank you", he quietly answered. Benson stood up and left the courtroom. She knew that the toilets were close by. So this is where she would go check first.

***

Lauren left the toilet stall when Olivia came in. The detective didn't acknowledge her and stepped to the sink where she washed out her mouth. When Lauren looked into the mirror she saw her lieutenant standing behind her leaning against the wall between two stalls. "I'm fine, lieu. You don't have to ask", Lauren answered the silent question and threw the hand towel into the trash can.

Olivia pushed herself away from the wall and stepped over to her. "I don't need to say that you're lying to me and to yourself. So... out with the truth."

Lauren sighed. "I'm not fine." She turned around. "I can't go back in there. I feel humiliated. Buchanan painted an awful picture of me and let them think it was my fault. How... how can somebody like him sleep at night? Not even the devil would be so cruel."

The women stayed silent. They didn't have an answer to the question. "How's the trial?" Lauren looked at Olivia. "I didn't blow it, did I?" Olivia shook her head. "I don't think you did. Buchanan just wanted to get under your skin and make the jury question your credibility."

Lauren sighed. "Buchanan got what he wanted. He definitely got under my skin." She walked to the door and stopped. "Can you tell Barba that I went home?" The lieutenant nodded. "I tell him." The detective opened the door and took a step out. "And take all the time you'll need before coming back." She waved her hand and left the toilets.

***

A couple days later, Lauren was back in the courtroom. The jury came to a verdict. Rafael was holding his fiancée's hand. "It's going to be alright. I helped our ADA with the closing argument." But like the previous days, he didn't get much of an answer from her. Since her testimony she had nightmares and most of the time she refused any physical contact. Instead, she locks herself in the bathroom and he hears the shower running for an hour before she comes back. Her skin was red and irritated. Lauren goes back into bed and snuggles close to him. But she didn't speak about what's going on with her and Rafael didn't know how to address the situation with her.

He asked Olivia for advice and she suggested that Lauren speaks with a therapist. The lieutenant gave him Dr. Lindstorm's card. She promised to talk to Lauren over lunch to check in with her.

The judge and the jury walked in. Barba squeezed Lauren's hand one last time and prepared for the worst. And the worst outcome came true. The jury ruled "Not guilty". The ADA looked to his feet and then over to his fiancée who was awfully quiet. But who wouldn't? The scumbag came away with it again and was a free man. In front of the couple, Olivia tried to comfort their distraught victim who was crying.

The lieutenant turned around to her colleague. Lauren let go of Rafael's hand and left the courtroom in a hurry. Barba and her watched Lauren's retreating figure. Olivia looked at Rollins and Fin. Her sergeant nodded at her. "Go. We'll stay with her and Barba. Maybe we're leaving the courthouse soon."

Olivia stood up and looked at Barba. "Stay here. I'll check on her." She walked into the hallway and looked around but she couldn't see her. Her next stop was the restrooms where she found her last time. "Lauren, you in here?"

She got out of a stall and looked at her. "I'm fine. Just needed to get out of there." The young detective sighed. "I can't believe that he got away with it again. Maybe I shouldn't have testified. I screwed the whole case over and to top it off I screwed up my health, too."

Olivia turned Lauren towards her and put a hand on her shoulder. "You didn't screw up the case. You made it stronger. But I know that we're going to look into it. There has to be..." The lieutenant got interrupted by a gunshot and people screaming and running. She grabbed for her service weapon and walked to the door. "Stay here."

"The hell I will. I'm coming with you." Lauren opened her small handbag and got her weapon out. "Do you really think I go to court without it?" She held it up and then put on her badge. "Let's go and see what the ruckus is all about."

***

Both women left the toilets and tracked their way back to the courtroom carefully. People were still hurrying past them in a panic. "He's this way. He has a man as a hostage", a reporter informed Olivia after recognizing her. She nodded. "Get out. Hurry." The man nodded and hurried off.

Lauren and Olivia walked on when there was another gunshot heard in the hallway. "Put down the gun right now!" It was Amanda presumably yelling at the shooter. The lieutenant and detective ran the rest of the way. They witnessed the end of the hostage situation. The former defendant lay dead on the floor. A gunshot wound to the head. Olivia and Lauren exchanged a quick glance with each other. Lauren nodded, put her gun away, and grabbed Olivia's radio to call the coroner and back up.

"Reece, what did you do?" The female victim exclaimed. Reece looked at his girlfriend. "I was coming to get you and take you out for lunch. Your mom texted me that your tormentor got away with a not guilty. I had to do something. This piece of shit can't run around a free man and endanger more girls and women. I hope he rots in hell."

The SVU team exchanged knowing glances with each other. It was hard to arrest someone who did this. They all knew that Chester Sullivan was a scumbag but vigilante justice wasn't the right way. Fin walked over to Reece and put the guff on him. He read him his rights and walked him down to the patrol car.

#law and order svu imagine #law and order svu fic #rafael barba #law and order svu #rafael barba x oc #svu imagines #rafael barba imagine

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barbasbodaciousbeard · 4 years ago

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Bring your Daughter to Court Day and Dad Friends

Summary: Rafael tries to multitask, miscommunicating the date he direly needs a sitter to Lucia, which means Catalina has to accompany him to court last minute. He manages to maintain his serious demeanor as well as he can, rewarding the well behaved little one with ice cream and a trip to the park. Suddenly, Rafael realizes he doesn’t have dad friends, and the opportunity arises to gain one.

Pairings: Rafael Barba x OC

First Part - Second Part -Third Part - Fourth Part - Fifth Part - Sixth Part

A/N: This installation also partially based off of @teamsladsandgents ask a couple weeks ago that Down A Sitter was based on.

How had his mother forgotten she was supposed to babysit? Apparently, it was because Rafael Barba sent March 18 instead of 8, probably while he was making Catalina’s lunch and thinking that was the time for an email. Now, his mother was in Florida with Enrique, and he was without a sitter because Rebecca, Al, and Rodney were on the trip together. He could probably take her to Olivia’s, have Lucy watch her, but there wasn’t time to do that and make it to the courthouse. Lucia lived too far away. That left him with one option, and it was one he wasn’t sure he liked.

It was another defense case, a pillar of the community who killed his daughter’s abuser. It was all heat of the moment; the bastard had shown up on his step looking for Brendon’s daughter, the one he’d raped and left nearly dead. The other women? The ones he hadn’t dated? They hadn’t been lucky enough for the nearly. In minutes, he’d shot him, calling the police on himself. Olivia had convinced him to take it. And now it looked like he’d have company.

“Mija, how good can you be if papi brings you to work?” Her eyes lit up as she looked up at him.

“I can be so good, papi! I’ll help.”

“I’d just need you to be very, very quiet. That’ll be the best.”

“But I want to help.”

“You have to protect papi’s briefcase,” he fibbed, thankful selective defense work meant he just needed the file within it.

“I can,” she nodded seriously. He fastened her into her car seat, kissing her forehead and getting to the courthouse. He was grateful he could transition the necessities to a less full suitcase, leaving behind spare pens and pads of paper and only taking the file, a couple of pens, snacks, a bottle, the ipad, and her coloring book and box of crayons. Consolidating made him feel less messy. Most people at the courthouse didn’t know the dad side of him, and even as he relaxed, he hadn’t quite shaken the reputation he earned as a prosecutor. Now, he was clad in one of his dark three piece suits with a bright tie and suspenders, just like everyone was used to, the same briefcase in his hand. What they weren’t used to was the little girl with his eyes settled on his hip, clad in bright pink leggings and a white sweater with her arms wrapped tight around her father’s shoulders.

“Can I help you with something?” he asked, brow raised as he shifted Catalina to walk through the metal detector. Her blanket was clutched in her hand from the car still, and she held it from the floor, carefully walking through.

“Cute kid,” the guard asked. This was one who’d been here forever, and he seemed surprised.

“Thank you.” He picked Catalina up again, briefcase by his side. He’d developed more muscle definition in his arms than he’d ever had since Rebecca went back to work. Catalina refused to walk, and he enjoyed fatherhood too much to make her.

“If you’re good until we leave, we’ll get the biggest sundae you’ve ever had, mija,” he reminded her during an empty stretch of hallway. Catalina nodded seriously up at him, and he smiled more fondly than he intended, nodding to his client. He’d sent a text of warning, but the older man just gave him a grin.

“Taylor was a daddy’s girl too. Thank you, Mr. Barba. I know you could have tried to continue this.”

“I don’t want to draw this out for you anymore, I assure you. If it means unorthodox company, so be it. We may be waiting for a while.”

He settled the coloring book on his briefcase, and Catalina sat on the bench beside it, using it like a makeshift desk. He entrusted Brandon to watch her while he stepped to the clerk.

“How long is the wait running for The People vs Aerie?” he asked, and he remembered why he didn’t like this one.

“Who’s the cutie?” she asked, popping her gum as she slowly looked at the docket.

“I asked a question,” he said impatiently. He didn’t want this day to be about his child. He wasn’t even sure he liked sharing her with work. The divide, save the friendships he’d made, was too deep. Fin, Amanda, Liv, and Carisi were one thing. Everyone else? He was fine without them.

“Geeze, I’m just wondering if she’s your niece or somethin’. It’s hot seeing a man with a kid.”

“She’s my daughter. Her mother is out of town and there was miscommunication with the sitter.”

“I didn’t know you were married, counsellor.”

“Please just give me an estimate.”

“Couple hours. I’ll bump you as far up as I can.”

“Thank you.”

He turned to see Catalina chatting happily to Brandon, and he thought it might be a blessing she was here. Brandon hadn’t been handling things well. Sure, he was handling things better than Rafael had; he let his wife and daughter be there for him. But he was also treating himself as less worthy now, grappling with the reality that he’d ended a life even if he didn’t regret doing it. He’d confided in Rafael as they prepped that he worried he was never going to be good again. That’s when Rafael did something that confirmed the change in him: he was vulnerable with him. They talked about something not many people had in common. Ending a life changes you, and though they did it for different reasons, both felt they’d done what they needed.

“She’s smart as hell,” Brandon chuckled, watching Catalina color. “And looks exactly like you.”

“I’m very fortunate. Her, not so much,” he joked, hand resting on her back as he sat back down so she was between the pair of them.

“Cute co-counsel,” Carisi said, stopping by.

“Mr. Sonny!” Catalina grinned, and Rafael almost grinned. Carisi, while Rafael would always give him hell, attended their church, was overall a good guy and attorney, and had become one of Catalina’s chosen few during playdates with Jessie and Billie Rollins. He’d even been babysitter one Saturday night to give Rebecca and Rafael a night off, so he was developing soft spot for the young ADA.

“Cat!” he grinned, leaning down and hugging her. Catalina didn’t let go, and Sonny put his briefcase down to hold her for a minute. “What are you doing here?”

“Protecting papi’s briefcase!” Catalina spoke well for her age, but he was going to miss the staccato of her toddler chatter. Carisi and the abuelitas and the squad could all understand her easily. They all had enough experience with kids. There had always been a delay between her words and his replies at first. Words would break up or run together, and he’d have to process things. Now it didn’t matter how she strung the noises together; he got it as easily as Rebecca.

“Wow, big responsibilities, kiddo. I gotta go to court. I’ll see you soon, okay?” he grinned, ruffling Catalina’s hair before she climbed back to the bench and leaned against Rafael. He was proud that his daughter hurried to his side when she wanted protection from the strange place and people around them. It made him feel like he was doing something right. The clerk, as annoying as she was, did get them moved up, and Rafael carried Catalina in, setting her on the bench directly behind his seat. After a few moments, she got nervous, standing and leaning against the bannister as everyone got settled. Rafael quietly urged her to sit as everyone settled in, looking over the file before him. She didn’t, looking around at the busy courtroom, and he set his mouth in a line, picking her up and fighting the urge to smile as her arms wrapped around his shoulders and her head came to rest on his shoulder.

“Do you need a continuance, Mr. Barba?” the judge asked. He’d been in front of this judge before. Last time, it was as a prosecutor in the Martha Hobbs case. He supposed that was why there was a tone of amusement in his voice. There goes whatever reputation he had left, but it didn’t bother him like he expected.

“Not at all,” he said breezily. Suddenly, he realized he’d perfected that parental stance. The one where fingers laced around the toddler on his hip, but he could still take back a hand to turn pages and write notes. He’d always thought it was some kind of magic when Liv did it with Noah. “Shall we move ahead with Mr. Aerie’s arraignment?”

“Of course. Nothing unusual here.” Rafael fought the urge to roll his eyes, cutting his eyes to the ADA for this case covering a laugh. He was just glad it wasn’t Carisi this time.

“He’s weird,” Catalina whispered, well aware of how to keep her voice quiet enough only her father could hear her. He squeezed her gently, the corner of his mouth tugging up. Soon enough, Brandon was being escorted to pay bail, and Catalina had commented on the whole affair. She’d done much better than he’d expected, so he knew he’d be taking her for ice cream. His biggest worry had been the courtroom with it’s crowded benches, but she’d settled in just fine on his hip.

It was still strange to him the way he could be a source of comfort for her, and he felt the weight of responsibility in the best way. She trusted him implicitly, looked for him when she needed comfort. Sure, she’d leave his side for a friend, but she’d always want to come back and climb onto his lap. It struck him again how unimaginable his father’s behavior was. In fact, he’d thought about it a lot as he took care of Catalina, especially the past few days with Rebecca gone. His first instinct with her was never anger. Occasional frustration with a tantrum, but she was learning to understand the world and needed him to make some part of it safe and consistent, not scary and volatile.

“Bye Mr. Aerie,” she said softly as they parted ways, Brandon’s wife ecstatic to get him home. Taylor was still in the hospital, and they’d be spending the night by her side. This case made him wish he could keep Catalina with him forever, safe from the kind of people he’d seen in his tenure at SVU. She wrapped around his knees on the steps of the courthouse as he answered questions. Media moved on, and they didn’t want to examine him anymore. They just wanted the statement and to follow Brandon into the waiting car. He would’ve held his daughter close, but he didn’t want her face plastered on the news. Rafael didn’t leave the Aeries until the SUV’s door closed, Catalina’s hand held in his. Once they were gone, he scooped her up and started towards the ice cream parlor he knew was only a couple of blocks away.

“You were very good today, mija,” he smiled gently, kissing the top of her head. “I think we ought to go for a walk and get you some ice cream.”

“Really?” she asked, and her smile was wide enough he could not say no if he wanted.

“Really,” he nodded, laughing as she pressed a kiss to his cheek.

“Gracias, papi!”

A long time ago, he would have tried to maintain the composure and seriousness from inside the courthouse until he was far from where anyone could see him this relaxed. Now he was adjusting his briefcase, as his daughter told him all about what she wanted on her ice cream. She wouldn’t take a nap that afternoon after the amount of sugar he was about to give her, but he had a feeling the grin he’d get, her face covered in melted chocolate and ice cream, would be worth it.

“Ms. Olivia!” Catalina’s voice made him follow her gaze, seeing Liv making her way to the courthouse.

“So that’s how you got Brandon moved up the docket.”

“I added a one to the date when I texted mami to babysit while Becs is gone,” he said, mouth set in a line again. He didn’t like the fact this story was both unavoidable and going to be told forever.

“So Cat got to come to court?”

“Al and Rodney are with Becs. Mami is in Florida.”

“I was so good,” Catalina said proudly. “And Mr. Brandon got bailed.”

“Recognizance didn’t work?” she asked.

“He has the means to flee. But the bail is minimal. We’re going to get ice cream.”

“Because I was so good,” Catalina added, face serious as she nodded.

“You were, mija. Say bye to Oliva.”

Soon, they were sitting at a table in the ice cream shop, and there was far more ice cream in front of Catalina than Rebecca would ever approve of. He’d originally said one scoop, any toppings, but then she asked with wide eyes if she could get three flavors. Normally, he’d try to say no, but not today. She’d been good at the courthouse, plus he was the one she inherited her sweet tooth from. They’d gotten four scoops and every topping she wanted with an agreement she’d share with papi. He’d almost teared up when she said I always share with papi. Almost. But now he was taking a picture of them together, trying to decide how much he hated that he took selfies now. But, he only took selfies like this, of him sitting in a low booth with Catalina beside him and the massive sundae between them. Surely, that didn’t count? He sent it to Rebecca anyway.

Guess who was an angel in court. We miss you, mami.

Certainly not the hot one. Proud of her. I miss you both terribly.

What time do you get home tonight?

Eleven. The boys are dropping me off. And I’m guessing that sugar means you’ll both be up.

I’ll be up either way. Te amo, hermosa. I hope the trip has been good to you.

I love you, handsome. It has been, but I miss my family.

“Should we video call mami when we get home?” he asked when sticky hands had been cleaned as they walked back to the car. He saw familiar faces passing them by, giving nods as they approached the courthouse they’d parked near.

“Yeah!” she nodded eagerly, and Rafael could see the energy hitting her.

“Or maybe we call her from the park? Then you can play! Run around and swing and slide.” He was humming each activity, pressing kisses to the top of her head. He hadn’t taken her to Central Park yet, and he’d been to the Billy Johnson Playground on the east side with Olivia and Noah when she’d needed a friend. It looked like an old part of the nature around it, making him think of the stories Catalina was so fond of. She liked gnomes and cottages in the woods lately, and the little park fit right in. Plus, the focus was more on what she could run on and climb, but still with the swing he could push her on when she got tired. When she did get tired, he could rest with her at the little gazebo and feel secluded and out of the city.

Maybe they needed a vacation.

“Yes!” she giggled, hugging his neck. He smiled, stopping at the car to order an Uber. To and from court was all the driving he intended to do. He traded his briefcase for the diaper bag, leaving his vest and blazer now that the day had warmed up and tucked one of the blankets Rebecca insisted was in case of emergency in the diaper bag.

“We’re going to a really special park.”

“Why’s it special?”

“You know the pretty one the zoo is at?”

“Yeah?”

“Papi knows a cool playground there. It looks like gnomes live there.”

“That is cool,” she said, her excitement apparent. He loaded them into the car, ever grateful to not have to drive, and tipped generously when the driver was kind enough to drop them off away from the zoo. As soon as they were in the park, Catalina wanted down, her hand in his as they walked along the path. When they got to the little gazebo, he stopped, and Catalina looked up at him quizzically.

“Want to call mami from here?” She lit up, pulling herself to stand on the bench he sat on. Rebecca was packing up, he knew, so he wasn’t surprised when she answered quickly, blowing her hair from her face. When she fully registered it was them, she grinned.

“Mama!”

“Catalina!”

“Becs!”

“Raf!”

Rebecca was relieved to see the day really must be going well. Catalina was giddy, blue from what Rebecca guessed was cotton candy ice cream staining the cuff of her sweater as she pushed her hair back. Rafael was smiling, the one that showed his teeth and crinkled his eyes. They still hadn’t been home, but the image of Rafael in the dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up, his tie and suspenders featuring the same shade of pink as their daughters pants was perfection. She wasn’t sure he realized how often he did it, but she didn’t want him to stop matching their daughter so she’d never tell.

“You guys seem like you’re having fun! Maybe it’s good papi can’t type.” This time Rafael laughed because he was kind of thankful for his snafu. This weekend was only his third or fourth time out and about with Catalina for more than a trip to the park or run to the grocery store. This weekend, they’d gone to a museum and church on their own, and now they were having another daddy daughter day. He liked it.

“Papi and I had...lunch....that wasn’t ice cream. And now we’re at a special playground!”

“The Billy Johnson Playground at Central Park. I’ll take pictures for you, mami.”

“You two will have fun. You’ll have to show it to me one day.”

“Secret park!” Catalina said seriously and his smile grew broader, arm around her middle.

“Maybe we can show mami this part before?”

“Deal.” They said their goodbyes soon enough, Rebecca heading to the airport. He watched as Catalina walked just a couple of steps ahead, looking back over her shoulder to be sure he was there. Her eyes lit up when she saw the park, and Rafael was glad to see there were other kids her age there. They hadn’t quite found her a group of friends her own age; Fin’s grandson, Jaden, was one of only a couple, and Rafael didn’t know the other two well. He stayed close to her as she hurried to the climbing set, taking pictures and sending them on to Rebecca. Mostly, moms and nannies were there, and he felt slightly out of place. When he was in groups of parents, he always found himself wondering who knew. Shifting awkwardly, he nodded towards them and went back to watching his daughter with a fond smile.

She’d found two sisters, one her age and one who looked to be about five. The older girl was helping the younger two navigate the playset, leading them to slides and climbing nets easily. Each time Catalina looked unsteady on her feet, which was often given her age, he wanted to scoop her up, but apparently it was important to let her take a tumble or two. Rafael didn’t like that idea or the fact that they had to keep bandages in the diaper bag. Luckily, the time she did fall, landing on her rear with her legs out, the older of her new friends laughed and helped her up.

“I’m guessing white sweater is yours?” a man asked, and he chuckled.

“Yeah.”

“Her new friends are mine. Flower pants and leopard dress.”

“They made friends fast.”

“Is she into princesses and fairy tales?”

“Yeah. Especially gnomes right now?”

“Sarah is my eldest. She’s obsessed with Fairies.”

“Makes sense. Catalina like fairies too.”

“She and Megan look the same age?”

“Two and a half?”

“Right on,” he chuckled. “I’m Hank.”

“Rafael. I think we’re the only dads here today.”

“Yeah. It’s normally just me during the day when we’re here. I’m a writer, so I can stay home while my wife’s at work. You’re all dressed up though. I’m guessing this isn’t your normal day?”

“I’m an attorney, but I work from home.”

“How does that work?”

“I work with the Innocence Project. Meetings with defendants are Mondays. I can do the paperwork and brief writing from home. Then court when needed. I take defense work on occasion, like today. Sitter fell through so Cat had to come. My girlfriend is a teacher, and she snuck off with her friends for a long weekend.”

“My wife’s a school librarian. We picked those educators, huh?”

“Apparently.” It felt so normal to be talking to him, and Rafael thought to himself maybe he could have a dad friend now. His friends from Harvard and the DA’s office and SVU had kids, but they’d always have been work colleagues first. There was no erasing what they’d seen together, the tension over cases, the Householder case. Hank seemed nice enough, and they had similar lives. At least they could team up on park trips since it turned out their usual stomping grounds overlapped.

God, Hank looked like a writer though. He had on a thick flannel over a t-shirt, and tattoos peaked out of the rolled up sleeves. Slim fit jeans and black sneakers, the cool kind not the functional kind, just rounded it out. He was tall and lanky and younger than him, and Rafael suddenly felt he could be Catalina, Megan and Sarah’s grandfather. Hell, he technically could. Still, he was new to this, and he supposed most men in their fifties weren’t settling down with a partner for the first time and raising their first child. Besides, Hank was probably still a little older than Rebecca.

“Megan scraped her knee,” Sarah said, running over to the two men, followed by Catalina holding the hand of teary Megan.

“Shit-”

“Dad, that’s a bad word.”

“Shoot,” Hank corrected. “I forgot the bag.”

“I’ve got bandages. Princess ones,” Rafael said, digging the box from the diaper bag. “There’s neosporin in there too.”

“Thanks.”

Catalina climbed on Rafael’s lap, and he could tell by how she laid back against him that he had succeeded; she was tired out. Rafael didn’t want to go yet, able to hear Hank saying they’d head home once Megan was patched up. Was making friends as an adult always so much like asking for a girl’s number was when he was younger? He hadn’t been a dad for long, only a few months. Maybe having someone other than Rebecca he could call during tantrums and long days would be good?

“Hey, before everyone heads out, maybe we can all meet at the park again sometime? The girls seemed to really get along.”

“Yeah, that sounds good,” Hank said, digging out his phone and handing it to Rafael. “Put your number in. I haven’t made many dad friends who aren’t also writers or don’t have traditional office jobs. We’re both basically house husbands.”

“Yeah. And it’s hard.”

“Easier than it was two years ago though, right? Five’s even easier.”

“I actually only found out I was a dad in December. It’s a long story. But it’s easier now than in January.”

“We’ll delve into that at the park later this week?”

“Perfect. Do you take insurance?”

“As long as you’ve hit your deductible. Send me the pictures of the girls, okay?”

“Will do,” he nodded as they walked towards the sidewalk. He’d ordered an Uber to take he and Catalina back to his car. Soon enough, he was cooking her dinner, watching her dance around the kitchen to the soft jazz he was playing, and Rafael was grateful for the break from Disney. Not having Rebecca’s return each evening made him appreciate even more how much she’d had to do to keep their daughter happy and healthy and safe for the last two years. He needed the time he’d had to heal, but he often wished he could go back and be here to help sooner. It was his own fault. Instead of pressing the guilt down like he used to, he let himself acknowledge it, tucking it to the side instead as he settled a bowl of macaroni in front of Catalina. Once she was tucked in, he put his feet on the coffee table, working on his laptop and only pausing to send Hank the pictures he’d snapped of the girls playing. He heard Rebecca at the door at eleven, just like she’d estimated, and he hurried to meet her.

“Heya, handsome,” she grinned, and Rafael could feel the stupid grin split his face.

“Welcome home, hermosa,” he beamed, pulling her in and kissing her deeply.

“Missed me?” she teased as she smoothed his hair.

“Terribly,” he nodded. “I’ve been spoiled to see you every day.”

“It seems like you and Cat had a good time though?”

“Yeah. We went to the Children’s Museum Saturday. Then Sunday was mass and lazy movies. Today was hectic, but good.”

“Yeah? You two seemed happy at the park. And ice cream for lunch.”

“We had a lot of fun at the park. She made friends with two girls, Sarah and Megan. They have a playdate Thursday.”

“Oh yeah?” she chuckled. “You finally click with the playground moms?”

“Hank. He’s a writer, and his wife is a school librarian. His girls are two and five. He’s home with them most of the time.” Rebecca couldn’t help but grin at how he tried to pretend it was just convenient.

“That’s cool. I bet it could be nice talking to non-police or court affiliated people, hm? Maybe you two could grab a beer sometime.”

“We’ll see. He’s surprisingly nice to talk to. Sarah and Megan have the same tantrums.”

#rafael barba #rafael barba x oc #rafael Barba x reader #law and order #law and order special victims unit #law and order svu

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demigodreading · 3 years ago

Text

Forgiving Rollins

Characters: Amanda Rollins, Ella Alina Benson, Noah Benson, Olivia Benson

Relationships Olivia Benson x Amanda Rollins, Olivia Benson x Original Character

Summary: This is based off of Season 16 Episode 10: Forgiving Rollins. But with a twist! Of course. There is some minor mention of stuff that is in the episode but I tried to keep most of the serious stuff out of it. This was actually a request. @svufan9812 I didn't write this while tipsy but I am posting it while tipsy.. so enjoy!

Warnings: Episode Spoilers. Some mentions of sexual assault. Alcohol.

----------------------------------------------

Olivia could tell something had been wrong with Amanda all night but was unable to pull any coherent answer out of her. Anytime she tried Amanda merely shrugged and moved to a different topic. In all reality, all Amanda wanted to do was wrap her hand tightly in the burnette’s and try to disappear from this place and all the memories that were beginning to surface. However, their relationship was just recently public to everyone outside the precinct and they both agreed that PDA was not something that wanted to shove in everyone’s face immediately. Instead, Amanda did her best to keep her mind focused on the one thing that could take away all of her problems. Alcohol.

“I’m out of here,” Fin said, immediately heading for the door after Amaro’s offer.

“I have got to get home to Ella and Noah guys,” Olivia said, placing a gentle hand on Amanda’s arm. When Amanda made no move to follow she pulled her hand away doing her best not to sigh, “Goodnight.”

Amanda watched as her girlfriend walked away from her. She so badly wanted to follow and head back with Olivia to their shared apartment. She knew that Ella would rush to her, taking her in a long hug. Noah would be sleeping but Olivia would pull her in his room so they both could say goodnight to him. Ella would want to hear all about the party but Olivia would insist that she was already up too late and they would talk in the morning. Then she and Olivia would change into pajamas Amanda borrowing a pair of Olivia’s just so she could be further wrapped in the smell she loved so much. Olivia would open her arms beckoning Amanda into them and holding her close. She would press a kiss into Amanda’s forehead and that is when Amanda’s facade would crumble. She would cry into Olivia’s arms telling her all of the horrible things that had happened to her. She couldn’t do that. Not yet. So instead she sat down at the bar downing shot after shot till the memories became blurred.

When Amanda awoke the next morning in the crib she immediately regretted her decision looking at her watch and knowing she was already an hour late walking downstairs. Her plan to sleep here and be on time had been an epic fail. Not to mention, she had missed five text messages from Olivia and Ella checking on her. She ignored all of them which she believed would be a good plan until she ended up heading to the hospital to get the victim statement with Olivia by her side.

“Amanda, is everything okay?” Olivia asked shyly, afraid of the answer.

“Yeah, Liv. I’m fine,” Amanda shrugged, “Just a long night.”

“Okay,” Olivia said, reaching her hand out taking Amanda’s, “I missed you last night.”

Amanda smiled for a second running her finger gently over Olivia’s palm, “I missed you too Liv.”

“And when you are ready to actually talk about what is wrong. I’ll be here,” Olivia said, taking Amanda’s hand pressing a kiss to the back of it.

“Thank you.”

Amanda clung to the feeling of Olivia’s kiss on her hand as she tried to settle her panic attack in the hall of the hospital. She never imagined that her secret would unravel so quickly.

------------

Olivia looked at Amanda’s terrified face as she answered all of the questions that Dodds asked her. She knew one thing for sure… she was looking at the face of a victim. She had seen hundreds of them pass through the doors of the precinct. She just never imagined that one of those faces would be her girlfriend. A woman she was beginning to love more and more every day. A woman she imagined spending the rest of her life with. It was even harder to watch as Amanda’s attacker sat in the interrogation room across from Dodds acting as if Amanda had been the one to blame. She wanted to burst through that door pushing that man onto the floor and tell him all the awful things she wanted to call him but instead, she was distracted by Amanda rushing out the door. She looked at Fin and he merely nodded, following Amanda to wherever she planned on running to.

Fin followed Amanda all the way to the bar she sat at, swirling her drink gently in her hand, “I had to check half the bars in Long Island City.”

“I don’t want to talk about this.”

“I’m not leaving.” Amanda sighed at her partner half thankful and half angry that he had followed her. As she disclosed the story of what had transpired between her and Patton she could feel a small weight lifting off of her chest. However, when Fin pushed her to share her story all of her walls went back up.

“What about this girl?” Fin asked, leaning forward.

“Well, she’ll get over it. I mean she might have been sleeping with him anyway. You know? She will go back to Atlanta and she’ll pretend like it never happened.”

“Just like you did.”

“Well, pretend long enough and after a while, it’s like nothing did happen.”

“Is that an example that you want to set for Ella? That if she were to get assaulted that she should just suppress her feelings down until there is nothing left?” Fin asked her.

Amanda slammed down her drink, “Leave Ella out of this. This has nothing to do with her.”

“It has everything to do with her, Rollins! Ella is like a daughter to you and if this happened to her, you would tell her to shout her story from the rooftops to get justice. If you want this thing between you and Olivia to work… you need to set a good example for her child.”

Amanda placed her head in her hands thinking about what Fin had said. She needed to tell her story. At least to Olivia.

----------------

Olivia and Amanda stood outside Barba’s office building soaking in the sun that had finally peaked through in the cold morning. Olivia reached out for Amanda’s hand, taking it in hers. She pulled her close wrapping Amanda in a large hug. Amanda wrapped her arms around Olivia burying her head into Olivia’s chest.

A large silence hung in the air until Olivia finally spoke, “I’m so proud of you Amanda. That was not an easy thing to hold onto for this long.”

“I’m so sorry Olivia. I should have told you,” Amanda cried, “I thought that you would think I was damaged goods. That I was no good for you. That I was a liar. That I.. That I..” Olivia stepped back placing her hands on either side of Amanda’s face. She used her fingers to gently wipe away the tears that rolled down her cheeks, “Amanda, I do not think any less of you. You are not broken. You are a survivor. You are an amazing, beautiful human. And I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life loving you.”

Olivia couldn’t stop the words rushing from her mouth as she looked at the blonde woman. The “I love yous” had always been standard in their relationship but Olivia had never once hinted at the fact that she wanted to be with Amanda for the rest of her life. Future was something that Olivia never planned but she was willing to risk it all for the blonde that stood in front of her.

For a moment she was terrified she had made a mistake until Amanda smiled back at her, “I love you, too, Olivia. Forever sounds like a perfect place as long as it is with you.” Olivia smiled at this as Rollins leaned in and gave her a kiss. Olivia gave Amanda a quick kiss on her forehead before they began their walk home. They walked the entire way holding hands.

When they got back to Olivia’s apartment, Lucy and Ella were on the couch playing video games. Noah was in his swing napping with Frannie wrapped around the bottom legs. She had taken a liking to Noah but only when he was sleeping. That is when Frannie would protectively lay down and watch over him. Ella jumped from her spot on the couch immediately rushing over to Olivia and Amanda. She grabbed both of them in a large hug, noticing the tears that Amanda was still trying to keep at bay.

“You and Noah both behave for Lucy while we were gone?” Olivia asked then looked at Frannie, “And you too Miss. Frannie.”

“They were all great,” Lucy smiled, “Your meeting go well?”

Olivia nodded, not wanting to share too many details. Lucy promised Ella they would finish their game the next time she was over. Ella gave her one final hug before Lucy left for the evening. When she was out the door Ella was tasked with letting Frannie out and then getting Noah ready for dinner. Ella clipped on Frannie’s leash before rushing out the door. Olivia quickly checked that Noah was still sleeping before starting dinner.

Amanda watched Olivia rush around the kitchen silently getting all the supplies they needed for dinner, “You look beautiful Liv.”

Olivia paused for a moment and laughed, “I highly doubt that.”

Olivia’s hair was done up in a messy bun pulled back with a clip. She had a wooden spoon in her hand gently mixing the sauce in the pot. Amanda couldn’t think of a more beautiful woman in the whole world.

“How did I get so lucky to be in love with the most beautiful woman in all of New York?” Amanda asked, causing Olivia to blush.

“Rollins,” Olivia paused, “Get over here and kiss me.”

Amanda grinned, taking Olivia in her arms giving her a hard kiss. Amanda never once dreamed that after all that had happened to her she would end up here. In the arms of the woman she loved and who most importantly loved her back.

There was a sudden crash at the door as Ella rushed back in with Frannie. She was out of breath and tears were running down her face. All of the hair on Frannie’s back was standing up as she plastered herself against Ella’s legs. The commotion caused Noah to jolt awake and begin to cry. Olivia frantically turned off the stove unsure of what child to rush to first. She settled for Noah as Amanda wrapped Ella into her arms.

“Ella what is going on?” Amanda asked as Ella tried to catch her breath.

Ella calmed her breath just enough to tell her story, “A man drove onto the sidewalk behind Frannie and I. He jumped out of the car and threatened us.” Olivia held Noah in her arms trying to calm him down as she began to feel her blood boil. Fear rose in Amanda’s heart as she realized what was about to unfold.

Ella looked up at Amanda, her eyes bloodshot, “He said that if you testify against Patton he will do exactly what happened to you to me. What is he talking about ‘Manda?”

With this question, Amanda looked over at Olivia. Olivia ran her hand through her hair reaching for her phone, “I’ll call Barba.” “What is going on?”

“Ella, you should take a seat,” Amanda said, pulling Ella over to the couch, “I’ll explain it to you.” Amanda explained the whole story to Ella not sparing any detail. Frannie sat between the two women, Ella gently petting her any time she got nervous. As Amanda began to cry again, Ella reached out her hand and Amanda took it gratefully. Her touch was almost as calming as Olivia’s. Something about the Benson girls just made her feel at home.

When she finished up her story Ella began to ask questions, “Is that why you moved from Georgia to here?”

“Yes, I thought it would be a nice place to restart.”

Ella pondered asking the questions she really wanted to know: Does this mean you are going to be leaving again? However, she dreaded the answer so instead, she took Amanda in her arms hugging her close.

-----------------------------

Amanda turned her key in Olivia’s lock, Frannie immediately getting loose from her hand and running towards Olivia. Olivia giggled as Frannie jumped on the couch curling up in her lap immediately exposing her belly to be pet. Amanda swore that Frannie loved Olivia more than her most days. After hanging up Frannie’s leash and taking over her shoes Amanda walked over to Olivia. Olivia looked up allowing Amanda to place a quick kiss on her lips.

“Where is my Ella Bella?” Amanda asked, glancing around the apartment.

Olivia nodded towards Ella’s door, “Been cooped up in there since I told her that you were going to take some time off and go on vacation. I think you should talk to her.”

Amanda placed another kiss on Olivia’s head before heading towards Ella’s door. In accordance with the three-year-old rule, Ella’s door was opened enough that Amanda’s arm could reach through the opening. Ella was laying on her bed with headphones in her ears throwing a ball at the ceiling. Amanda opened the door gently and walked over to Ella’s bed. She reached out grabbing the ball from thin air causing Ella to jump.

When Ella noticed Amanda standing there she quickly tried to wipe away the tears from her face. She took off her headphones sitting up in bed pressing herself into the corner of her bed as far from Amanda as she could.

“What’s going on buttercup?” Amanda asked, rolling the ball in her hand, “You only really bring this out when things are getting worse.” Ella reached for the ball but Amanda closed her fingers around it, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“That’s fine but you aren’t getting your ball back,” Amanda shrugged getting up from the bed.

“Wait Amanda,” Amanda turned back around and looked as Ella hugged a pillow close to her chest, “Please don’t go.” Amanda sat back down on the edge of the bed. She pulled her legs up on the bed but kept her distance from Ella knowing that when Ella was ready, she would come to her. The silence between the two of them dragged on for a couple of moments while Amanda waited for Ella to speak.

“Mom told me that you were leaving for a while,” Ella said, twirling her fingers together.

“Yes, the trial… everything...it was just a lot. I think that it would be good for me to get away for a little bit.”

Ella nodded, tears starting to fall down her face again, “Are you going to do what you did last time? Find someplace better and never come back?”

“Oh, Ella. Honey. I’m only going to be gone a couple of days. I will be back.”

“Promise?” Ella asked, looking up from her pillow.

“I promise Ella. I am not going anywhere. I wouldn’t imagine ever leaving you, Noah, and your mom,” Amanda told her, “You think you can keep a secret?”

Ella nodded and then Amanda beckoned her closer. Rollins pulled out a tiny black box from her pocket. She opened the top showing Ella the engagement ring that she had bought for Olivia. Ella let out a squeal of excitement grabbing Amanda into a hug.

“Think it is too soon?” Amanda asked nervously.

“Not at all,” Olivia said from the doorway causing both of the girls on the bed to jump.

Ella looked anxiously between Olivia and Amanda to see what would happen next. Amanda didn’t even attempt to hide the ring from her. This was not the way that she had ever imagined to propose to Olivia but she had learned quickly that things in her life never seemed to go the way she had planned.

“I didn’t mean to ruin the surprise. I wanted to see what you guys wanted for dinner,” Olivia said, running her fingers through her hair nervously.

Amanda merely smiled at Olivia and got down on one knee right in the middle of Ella’s room, “Olivia Benson, will you do me the honor of calling you, my wife?”

“Ooo,” Ella gasped, “That is way better than the traditional way to ask!”

Olivia looked at Ella rolling her eyes, “You two are going to kill me one day. I can’t believe I’m gonna spend the rest of my life with you goons.”

“Is that a yes?” Ella asked.

Olivia giggled, pulling Amanda up to give her a kiss, “Always a yes. Always.”

#ella alina benson #ella alina benson series #baby benson series #baby benson #Olivia benson #amanda rollins #noah benson #episode spoilers #law and order #law and order svu #forgiving rollins #marriage proposal #requested #buzzed editing is not good #do not do things tipsy #let me tell you

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storiesofsvu · 3 years ago

Note

💜 What is the most heart wrenching passage you've ever written?

(pretty please ❤️❤️)

Welp….you asked for it… 😂

There are two that tbh make me ABSOLUTELY bawl. And they’re both pretty long, so this is going under a readmore.

First is Rita x reader. For reference, it’s pt 3 of a mini series. First one featured a heartbreaking break up where they still very much loved each other but couldn’t make the detective x defence attorney work. The second one was an accidental run in at a gala followed by one last night together before yn revealed she was moving to chicago to work with voight. This passage is from pt 3 where Rita gets an emergency contact call from a hospital in NYC, yn was working undercover with the mafia and chicago pd that lead her to nyc. Her cover was blown, she was nearly killed, rita and her then rekindled and admitted their love while yn was in the hospital, but then Rita got called away to a day at court that she couldn’t reschedule.

The second is Casey x reader where yn admits that she’s been flakey in their relationship because she’s terminally ill.

So! Warnings are pretty up there…. Here we go!

“I am not settling for reckless endangerment when this should be a fucking misdemeanour!” She snapped, feeling her phone vibrate in her hand as she got it tuned back on finally, “what?!” Her attention was directed into the speaker, she paused for a second, rerouting her attention and focus as to not be so pent up in that moment. But she was also praying this wasn’t another client, she really didn’t have time for this right now.

“Ms Calhoun? It’s Lucy from Mercy hospital.” Her chest tightened, feeling like roots were growing over her body, constricting and squeezing her until it absolutely ached.

“No…no no no…”

“I’m so sorry…” the sympathy in the nurse’s voice was enough for her to know exactly what had happened.

Her heart was pounding against her ribcage, aching to get out of its constraints, she reached out to the wall to steady herself as her vision tunnelled. Her throat was tight, feeling like she couldn’t breathe. She was only half aware of Rafael squeezing at her arm, calling her name, trying to shake her out of it, his concern written across his face. She didn’t hear a word that Lucy said, her phone clattering to the floor before Barba swiped it, managing to get her into a conference room, incredibly glad when it was empty as tears started to pour over her cheeks, her body heaving with sobs as she collapsed over herself in her chair. She began to claw at her chest, feeling like she couldn’t get enough air in, that without you, there was no point for her to even continue to breathe. Her body swayed as dizziness and fog took over her brain, she felt like she was vibrating, unable to control anything, nausea waved through her and she was suddenly worried she was about to puke all over the carpet.

She was only faintly aware of Rafael even being in the same universe as her, much less the same room. Her vision kept blurring and it wasn’t from the tears, she was scared, she had no clue what the fuck was happening to her. Her body temperature skyrocketed and she tore off her blazer, her hand still clasping at her neck and chest until she’d managed to rip off the necklace that felt like it was pressing into her larynx.

You were gone.

The only thing in the world that mattered was gone.

Forever.

It wasn’t just that you were in Chicago, you would never be coming back to her again.

After everything the universe had put the two of you through, after you nearly died, but managed to fight to hold on, you were gone. You’d managed to stay alive just long enough to tell her how much you loved her, that she was all you wanted, all you needed, you’d refused pain meds to make sure she knew you were lucid for that conversation. Part of her was wishing that she’d never gotten the original call, that she’d never even known you were in town, that all of this could have been avoided until she saw your picture in the paper. And even then, she wouldn’t have your confession of love ringing in her ears, that she would’ve just perceived you as an ex who she was still in love with. That the feeling wasn’t returned. It would have been far less painful than this.

Anything would have been less painful than this.

She wavered suddenly, she knew it in her soul that she was about to pass out, that at least, had happened to her before. When she was young and dumb in college and favoured caffeine and all nighters of studying over eating real meals and sleep. She felt like she was drowning, that her lungs were only filled with water, no matter how hard she tried to get air in, it was instantly amplified by the taste of saltwater in her mouth and she was wondering if she really was drowning.

It was only after she let out a gasp, her lungs finally starting to fill with air that her vision started to come back and she noticed Amanda crouched in front of her, a gentle hand on Rita’s knee to help bring her back to the real world. Rita coughed, making a face of distaste and the grainy sensation on her tongue and the blonde handed her a glass of water.

“You with us?” She asked softly as Rita nodded, taking a small sip as she swallowed the horrible taste from her mouth.

“What the fuck?”

“Teaspoon of salt will do wonders on your tongue for a panic attack. I used to get them real bad when I was growing up, it’s a weird habit but I keep salt packets on me considering our line of work. Woulda helped to get ya outside into the cold, but I didn’t want to move ya.”

“You were supposed to come when something happened.” She changed the subject back to you, feeling like maybe she could transfer the blame and Amanda sighed.

“I did. Liv sent me to tell you that she was going back to the O.R. She had a bad nightmare, the morphine had her hallucinating, she thought she was back in that lot. When she was thrashing one of her broken ribs pierced her heart….”

“But…” her eyes filled with tears again as her chest had finally stopped heaving. She’d barely gained her vision and control of her body back and she was already feeling it blur again as she gestured towards her phone Rafael was still holding.

“Do…you really want to hear this?” He asked impeccably soft and she nodded, unable to find the words right now…knowing that she would probably never be able to, “she was bleeding internally. They didn’t know…They ran all the appropriate tests but a huge trauma caused a lot of back up. By the time they got her to the O.R….they didn’t realize how bad it was…Rita I am so sorry.”

“So she’s….” She choked over the word, tears steadily rolling down her cheeks at the thought of her forever being without you, “dead…because of hospital negligence?!”

“Rita…” Rafael’s hand came out to squeeze her other knee, “you can’t sue Mercy…they did their jobs. They know how to handle these kind of things.”

“But I love her!” She collapsed into her hands, sobbing once more, “she was supposed to be fine! We were supposed to get through this…together. I should have fucking been there!”

“Hey….” Amanda squeezed at her knee softly, knowing that of the two of them, if she was to say something to ruin whatever relationship they had, it mattered less than Rafael, “she…went…knowing that she was loved. She knew how much you cared, and there was nothing more that you wanted than to help heal her and make it through this. She may have been in physical pain, but emotionally…she was on cloud nine.”

“What am I supposed to do now?” She glanced between them, feeling the utter ache in her chest, a piece of her heart permanently punctured and destroyed just like yours. A piece she would never manage to regain.

“They…need you down at Mercy.” Rafael sighed, “you’re her next of kin.”

“She doesn’t have any family…”

“Whenever you’re ready I’ll take ya.” Amanda offered with a small smile.

“I’m going to go track down Judge Levers, he’ll grant a continuance and if he doesn’t I’ll take the deal you offered.”

Rita nodded blankly at Rafael’s words, staring at the wall across from her, wondering how on earth she was supposed to function anymore.

How was any of this fair? She’d just gotten you back, just gotten the confirmation that you loved her just as much as she loved you, that neither of you had ever stopped and were ready to try again, even if it meant career changes or moving cities. She was supposed to nurse you back to health and instead you had died while she was trapped in court. She was unsure if she would ever be able to let go of that guilt.

Instead…she became a shell.

****

Casey would normally have found it alarming, how much weight you’d dropped in the last two weeks alone, but she knew the inevitable was coming, that you were clinging on to whatever life you had left.

“Hey.” She greeted with a small smile as she crossed into the bedroom.

“Hi…” you mumbled back, still shivering slightly despite being buried beneath the blankets, the t.v softly rumbling in the background.

“You know you didn’t need to stay up for me, you look exhausted, you could’ve napped.”

“I’m scared…” your voice shook as you looked up at her, watching the smile fade off her face into a look of concern.

“Baby…you’ve got nothing to be scared of…I’m here.” Casey sat herself down on the bed, leaving the take out that had been in her hand on the bedside table as she shifted under the blankets, urging you to curl around her, wincing at how cold your skin was to the touch. “Get some rest and then we’ll get some food into you.”

“Case…” your hand weakly found hers, linking your fingers together, “I’m scared because I think this is it…” it was taking everything in you to even get your words out at this point. You’d used basically all the strength you had to stay awake until she got home, begging yourself to at least be given the chance to say goodbye.

“No sweetheart…” Her voice shuddered, tears blurring into her eyes as her fingers stroked at your cheek, “you’re just tired…it’ll be okay.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You’ve got nothing to be sorry for.” She assured you, slipping down into the pillows so she could hold you tighter to her.

“No…I do…I’m sorry…for wasting all your time on some dying girl.”

“You are far from just some dying girl…you hear me?” Gently her fingers titled your chin up to press a soft kiss to your lips, one that she held for much longer than she normally would, her tears beginning to mingle with yours, hot against your skin. “I love you.” She murmured, wiping the tears from your cheeks, “and I always will, okay?”

“I love you too.” You tried to give her a small smile, “but promise me one thing?”

“Of course my love.”

“Let yourself fall in love again? You’re too kind…too caring…to not share that with someone else would be a shame.”

“I’ll never be able to forget you.” Casey choked back a cry, trying to stay strong for you, hugging you as close to her body as she could.

“You don’t need to…” you sighed out, your eyes beginning to flutter, “I just…want you to feel as safe..and loved as you make me…as you have made me this past bit…you deserve happiness.”

“You deserve peace.” She whispered, pressing a kiss to the top of your head as her eyes tightly shut, withholding the tears that were screaming to be let out.

“You promise me?”

“I promise.”

“Good.” You let out a tiny yawn, nestling yourself into her chest, “I’m so tired…”

“I know baby.” You felt a whisper of a kiss on your skin once again as your eyes finally shut, relishing in the warmth of Casey’s body, the low strumming of her heartbeat echoing in your ears.

“I love you.”

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yesterdaylovedme · 4 years ago

Text

Looking for creative, flexible roleplay partners!

Good evening. I apologize for any errors in this post, haven’t used tumblr in a while.

Hope you are well.

I am looking to partake in some 1x1 RPs via discord for several fandoms. Generally I prefer canon x canon pairings and while I do enjoy playing both genders, I don’t like to play males for women writers who refuse to double since I feel like I see too many writers only writing their personal gender and I think it hinders our story if I’m the only person capable of side or other main roles.

I do prefer M x F pairs.

I also tend to give 3-6 paragraphs per main role I write as, in third person past tense.

Generally I try to get 2-3 posts out a week so if you’re after a rapid-fire writer, we may not be suited for each other. I am almost 30 and have a lot of things on my plate so I would prefer my partner be in a similar place in life where they aren’t in front of their laptop all the time.

That said, I do love to chat OOC and prefer to get to know my partners on a personal level. I am happy to be someone who you vent to or share silly memes with. If you prefer to keep things more professional, that’s okay and I respect that provided you can still be plot and be approached with discussions relating to our story.

Mature content is something I don’t shy away from, however it shouldn’t be the center of our story.

So if you’re interested in discussing pairs, drop me a message or like this post and I can try to reach out to you. Once we settle on a pair (or pairs, I’m happy to double up or do multiple RPs) then we can move to discord.

Roles in (parenthesis) are roles I can confidently write as however it will depend on the pairing they’re involved with! Roles in [brackets] are roles I would love someone to write as. Also if a role isn’t listed, feel free to inquire about it, though I likely neglected them for a lack of interest.

Fandoms:

Avatar the Last Airbender / Legend of Korra

(Toph, Suki, Sokka, Zuko, Aang, Ty Lee, Lin, Bolin, Asami)

[Zuko, Katara, Aang, Tenzin, Korra, Mako]

My Hero Academia

(Ochako, Melissa, Momo, Aizawa, Deku, Todoroki, Tsuyu, Denki, Bakugo, Kyoka)

[All Might, Eraserhead, Present Mic, Tsuyu, Eijiro, Iida, Mirio, Tamaki, Mina, Momo, Denki]

The Hunger Games / The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes

(Katniss, Gale, Sejanus)

[Haymitch, Prim, Lucy]

Game of Thrones

(Sansa, Arya, Tyrion, Cat, Theon)

[Jaime, Ned, Joffrey, Arya, Theon]

Naruto

(Sakura, Naruto, Ino, Hinata)

[Shikamaru, Kakashi, Ino, Hinata, Jiraiya]

Zombieland

(Wichita, Little Rock, Columbus)

[Tallahassee, Little Rock]

Law and Order: SVU

(Benson, Rollins, Fin, Carisi)

[Barba, Stabler, Rollins, Fin]

Death Note

(Light, Misa, Sayu, Naomi)

[L, Kiyomi]

Harry Potter

(Hermione, Luna, Cho, Draco, Snape)

[Harry, Luna, Snape]

Fire Emblem: Three Houses

(Flayn, Hilda, Claude, Ingrid, Ignatz, Raphael)

[Seteth, Claude, Bernadetta, Annette]

Yokai Watch

(Katie)

[Nate]

dot hack

(Blackrose, Atoli, Kuhn, Pi)

[Kite, Haseo, Silabus]

Yu Yu Hakusho

(Botan, Yusuke, Koto, Yukina, Kuwabara, Hiei, Genkai, Keiko)

[Kurama, Yukina, Koenma, Yusuke, Keiko]

Fruits Basket

(Tohru, Kagura, Shigure, Kyo, Yuki, Kisa)

[Hatori, Haru, Hana, Ayame, Momiji, Tohru]

Doctor Who

(Rose, Mickey)

[Nine]

Star Trek Reboots

(Uhura, Bones, Kirk)

[Spock]

The Marvelous Mrs.Maisel

(Midge, Joel, Mei)

[Moishe, Abe, Benjamin, Lenny, Zelda, Mei]

Criminal Minds

(Morgan, JJ, Reid)

[Reid, Garcia]

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thatesqcrush · 5 years ago

Text

Possibilities, Pt. 5

Rafael Barba x Lucy Huston. CW: Angst. Fluff. WC: 600 AN: Short and to the point. Living and working in NYC, I am descending into the madness re: covid-19. I need all the happy. So here is the happy.

Tags: @madpanda75 @ottosuricato @delia26 @dreila03 @sass-and-suspenders @glimmerglittergirl @melsquared79 @mommakat32 @garturbo @southern-magnolia @niyashell @tropes-and-tales @imjustreallynosy @whyissvuruiningmylovelife @sweetsummertime99 @evee87 @scarletsoldierrr @kscarlett1 @amirightcounselor @cesarofangirl78 @redlipstickandplaid @zoeykaytesmom @differentshadesofgray @neely1177 @misssirenlove @lovesomerafipapi @thefanficfaerie @theenchantedgalleryofstories @mormonsinthepiazza @mrsrafaelbarba @lovebennycolon @germansarechill @skittle479 @gibbs274 @choppedgalaxynerd-blog-blog.

Lucy was so engrossed in the novel she was reading that she did not even notice that Rafael had entered until he sat down across from her. She jumped in her seat, startled, nearly spilling her green matcha latte. Part of her was disturbed that Rafael chose the same coffee shop where everything began. She felt hot and sweaty despite wearing linen shorts and a spaghetti strap tank. She wasn’t sure as to what to expect from this meeting.

“I’m sorry for startling you,” Rafael replied. Lucy nodded, waving her hand. Her stomach flipped-flopped as she took in his appearance: a white polo and navy shorts. Rafael looked good - annoyingly good.

It seemed apparent that breakups didn’t faze Rafael. The only sign that maybe he didn’t have it together was the five o’clock shadow which graced his face. Lucy’s mind flashed to a time where she felt that against her most sensitive parts and she shuddered.

An awkward silence befell the two. Lucy picked at the tissue in front of her and Rafael shifted in his seat uncomfortably before speaking once more.

“Thank you for taking the time to meet with me,” Rafael began. “I want you to know that I am truly sorry for everything I said that day. I hurt you –”

“Hurt?” Lucy replied in disbelief. “It doesn’t even come close to hurt. You took my heart and obliterated it. You humiliated me. And the worse thing is, is that you didn’t even care enough to try to talk to me like an adult. Instead you pushed me away.” Tears threatened to spill. Lucy felt all flush; her stomach lurched. “I just have to ask – why?”

“I’m so sorry Lucy. I don’t want to live without you.”

Lucy looked away – it was almost unbearable to look at Rafael directly - it was like staring at the sun. Her voice quivered as she spoke. “How can I believe you? You seemed pretty clear on how you felt that day in your apartment.”

Rafael hung his head low, full of shame. He took a deep breath and then he spilled everything – all of his insecurities – starting from when Liv found out about them to overhearing the comments made by Lucy’s friends when they were out. Until a drop fell onto his hand, Rafael hadn’t even realized that he himself was crying.

Rafael sighed. “You’re the only one who makes me feel all the things that I thought I was too old or damaged or smart to feel. I was hurting. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t love you. I still love you. Lucy, I am so in love with you.”

Lucy stared at Rafael, completely at a loss for words.

Rafael used that to his advantage and continued his speech. “I don’t want to feel this sad or lonely if I don’t have to. I took for granted how happy you made me – I let others influence me. I was in pain and I pushed you away. I shouldn’t have done that. I owe you more than that.”

“You make it really fucking hard to hate you,” Lucy replied, taking a sip of her coffee, hoping it would soften the lump in her throat.”

“I would give anything for another chance.”

“I shouldn’t,” Lucy sighed, picking at the tissue once more.

“And I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t,” Rafael replied. “I don’t deserve it.”

“But I would be remiss if I said I didn’t love you. I still love you too.” Lucy’s declaration was so quiet, so soft, that Rafael wasn’t even sure he had heard correctly. Then a small smile twitched across her lips.

Rafael’s heart leapt in his chest and grinned. He reached across the table and Lucy grasped his hand, squeezing gently.

“We can’t go back to how we were,” Lucy replied matter of factly. “Because we aren’t those people anymore. But I am willing to give this another shot if you’re all in.”

Rafael took Lucy’s hand and brought it to his lips, pressing a soft kiss to the back of her palm. “I’m all in.”

FIN

#lucy huston #rafael barba x lucy huston #Lucy huston x rafael barba #rafael barba fanfic

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madpanda75 · 6 years ago

Text

“Barba Family Firsts: Part of Hostage Series”

Another drabble about the Barba Family, Rafael x Reader x Mila. I love writing about this family and I am such a sucker for Daddy!Barba. 😍 Warning, this is ALL fluff and pure sweetness! 😭😂

If you want to read my Hostage story and other Barba Family drabbles, check out my Masterlist.

Thanks for all the likes, re-blogs, and comments! Love you guys! ❤️

Tags: @amirightcounsellor, @sweetsummertime99, @lyssa1385, @letty-o, @obfuscateyummy and if anyone else wants to be tagged, let me know!

Rafael typed furiously on his laptop, his tongue poked out in concentration, today was a rare day where he didn’t have to appear in court. No hearings or arraignments to tend to, which meant Rafael could spend all day catching up on paperwork and research for his cases. Hearing the door open, he sighed in frustration, not even looking up from his work to acknowledge who was there. “Carmen, please. I said no interruptions today.” A baby giggled and squealed in response causing Rafael to look up from his work to find you and Mila standing in his office.

Rafael smiled and walked over to you both, “Cariño, what are you guys doing here?” You gave him a chaste kiss on the lips, “Can’t a girl and her baby visit her sexy Cuban ADA husband?” Rafael pulled you in for another deep kiss. “Of course mi amor,” he purred against your lips before pulling away.

Raising his eyebrow, Rafael gifted you a skeptical look. “But there’s something else isn’t there. Also why is Mila here? Shouldn’t she be with Mami?” Mila cooed and reached out for Rafael’s tie.

“I’m glad you asked that, Rafi.” You replied. “Your mom called. She is really sick with the flu and can’t watch Mila today. I would stay home with her, but Sonny and I have a stakeout on our serial R-A-P-I-S-T. It’s going to take all day.”

Rafael sighed, “Y/N, why are you spelling out the word “rapist.” She’s 10 months old, I don’t think she understands what the word means yet.”

You scoffed, “We’re always talking about our cases and babies are like sponges, they absorb everything. I just don’t want her first word to be “rapist” or “pedophile” or “bodily fluids.” Mila had been babbling quite a bit, but not yet speaking a coherent word. You had been telling your husband for weeks that she was on the brink of saying her first word, you could feel it.

“Well just as long as her first word isn’t “objection” or “perjury,” Rafael chuckled. “So, who’s going to watch Mila?”

You smiled at your husband, “That’s a great question, babe.” As if on cue, Carmen entered the office. “ Excuse me, Mrs. Barba. Where would you like Mila’s pack in play?”

“If you can put it in the corner next to the table? Thanks Carmen.” You waved at her before turning back to Rafael.

Rafael’s eyes widened, “Me?! Y/N, I can’t.”

“You have to Rafi. There is no one else who can take care of her today. Lucy has a class, my parents are on a cruise, I even tried Mrs. Carisi and Bella. It has to be you. Besides I know you don’t have any court dates today….Carmen told me and she said she’d help you with Mila.” Rafael eyed Carmen while she sheepishly left the office. You and Carmen had become very close over the years, so he wasn’t too surprised you enlisted her help.

Rafael sighed and shook his head, “This is why we need a nanny.” You rolled your eyes in response, “Do you want to have that conversation with your mother?”

When Mila was born, you both had tried to look for a nanny, but Rafael’s mother insisted..well more like persisted that she would take care of the baby. Lucia was newly retired and wanted to spend that time taking care of her grandbaby. Her arguments and persistence could rival Rafael’s in the courtroom, and you two conceded to her request.

“Enough said. Hand over mi princesa.” You gave Mila to Rafael, he instantly brightened up with his daughter in his arms. Mila giggled and pressed her lips to Rafael’s cheek, gifting him a sloppy drooling kiss.

He laughed in response and pulled you into an embrace with his free arm, kissing you deeply. Pulling away, he ran a hand through your hair, gazing down at you. “Be safe, remember your promise.” Whenever you were sent out into the field, your husband would remind you of the promise you made when you were lying in the hospital bed after the hostage incident, that you would never leave him.

“Always, Rafi.” You kissed him again before kissing your daughter and running a hand through her soft curls. “Be good for Papi.” Mila smiled showing off her two new baby teeth.

You handed your husband the diaper bag, “She has diapers, wipes, an extra change of clothes, her toys, some baby food, baby medicine, a list of emergency phone numbers, extra blankets. Remember to do tummy time with her and if she gets fussy–,” before you could finish your litany, Rafael interrupted you. “Y/N, I got it. I think we’re good.”

He winked at you and playfully spanked your bottom, “Go get em’ tiger.” You giggled and nodded, moving towards the door before turning around, “Oh I almost forgot. I put extra breast milk in the breakroom fridge. Its labeled, “Barba’s Breast Milk,” so there shouldn’t be any confusion.”

“YOU DID WHAT!? Y/N!!!” Rafael exclaimed.

“Just kidding. Have fun you two!” You replied in a sing song voice.

Rafael sighed and looked down at Mila, “Your mami is going to be the death of me.”

The morning went by fairly smoothly, albeit with several interruptions. Word had gotten out that the beloved Barba baby was in the office and several ADAs and judges stopped by to “ooo”and “ahhh” over Mila. Although he was slightly annoyed with the disruptions, Rafael beamed with pride showing off his little girl. He even took a picture of Mila and Judge Barth. Texting you the pic with the caption, “Think our princesa is a little judge in the making.” Rafael got a bit of a break and was able to get some work done when Carmen took Mila around the building to show her off to the other secretaries .

After feeding Mila, Rafael balanced her on his knee, typing one handed and occasionally taking a bite of his sandwich. He was beginning to understand why you were always talking about mastering the art of multitasking as a mom. Mila sat contentedly on her father’s lap, sucking on his tie, when suddenly there was a knock on the door. Rita Calhoun entered his office, with the chaos of the day, Rafael had forgotten she was stopping by to discuss a recent case.

“Rita, to what do we owe the pleasure?” Rafael said.

Mila looked up at the new face in front of her with expressive green eyes, her mouth still wrapped around the end of Rafael’s tie. Rita took one look at the baby unamused before acknowledging the ADA. “Barba, you have a baby on your tie.”

Rafael looked down at his tie now wet with drool, silently thanking God that he had extra ties in his office. “It’s just Mila’s cutting another tooth and she doesn’t like the teething rings. My tie is the only thing that seems to help.” He stopped and looked up at the defense attorney realizing she couldn’t give a rat’s ass about his teething daughter.

“Hmmm…. well don’t think that bringing your baby to work is going to persuade me to take pity on you with this case.” Rita replied as she placed several files on his desk.

Rafael rolled his eyes, “I wouldn’t dream of it, Calhoun. Plus I don’t need your pity, your client is guilty and you know it otherwise you wouldn’t be burying me with motion papers.”

“Save it for the courtroom Mr. Barba. Now are we going to discuss these motions or are we playing peekaboo at the daycare.” Rita sat down in front of his desk, ready to review her motions until a pungent smell hit her nose. The smell hit Rafael too, he knew Mila needed to be changed. Just as he was about to call Carmen in to help, Rita stood up right away.

“On second thought, let’s continue this later, once, you’ve febreezed your office. I need to get out of this gas chamber.” Rita hurriedly exited the office.

Rafael laughed and reached for the diaper bag, “Well there’s one way to get rid of Rita Calhoun. I owe you one mija.” Mila just babbled and clapped her hands.

By late afternoon Mila was crying and fussy, Rafael mentally kicked himself for forgetting her naptime. Not wanting to be in her pack and play, he set her down on a blanket on the floor along with her toys. This seemed to appease the baby and pretty soon she fell asleep.

An hour into Mila’s nap, Rafael received a call from Jack McCoy. He paced the floor, talking on his cell. “Yes sir. I agree, we should have a press conference regarding this case.” Rafael glanced down to see Mila had awoken. Sitting on the blanket, she looked up at him and waved. He smiled and waved back to his daughter before walking over to the table to grab a file.

“Yes, I am looking at the file right now. I could drop it off for you.” Suddenly Rafael felt a tug on his pant leg, looking down he saw his daughter standing and clinging to his leg for support. He glanced down at the baby before going back to his phone call, “In a second princesa, Papi’s on the phone.”

Rafael froze and looked to where Mila was standing now before glancing over to the spot she had currently occupied about a foot away from where he was. The realization that his daughter had just taken her first steps finally beginning to sink in.

Jack McCoy was talking mid-sentence when he heard Rafael scream. “OH MY GOD! Mila you walked!!!!!!” Without even thinking, he hung up on the DA, his cell phone falling to the ground as he scooped up the baby. “Mi muñequita! You took your first steps!” Rafael kissed Mila’s cheeks until she giggled and tried to squirm away.

He was so enraptured with his child that he didn’t even hear Carmen come in. “Mr. Barba?” Carmen called.

Rafael ran up to his secretary, she had never seen him this excited. “Carmen! Mila just took her first steps! In my office! Can you believe it?!”

Carmen smiled, “That’s wonderful, Mr. Barba, but you just hung up on Mr. McCoy. He’s holding on line one right now.”

Rafael stopped in his tracks realizing what he had done. “Oh my God! Here Carmen hold Mila while I take the call.” He handed Carmen the baby, “Mila, you walked?! You’re getting to be such a big girl.” She said as she carried the baby out of Rafael’s office.

Rafael sat at his desk and took a deep breath before answering his phone. He apologized profusely to the DA and explained what had happened and why he suddenly hung up. Jack got a good laugh and said there was nothing to be sorry for, like everyone else at One Hogan Place, Jack McCoy adored Mila Barba.

“Thanks Sonny! I’ll see you tomorrow.” You waved goodbye to your partner before heading into your apartment building. The stakeout was a bust, your perp never even showed up to the location and you ended the day with nothing to show but a coffee stain on your shirt from when Sonny spilled his cappuccino on you. All you wanted to do now was be at home with your husband and daughter.

You sighed in relief before opening the door of your apartment, you peeled off your jacket and toed off your shoes, leaving them in the foyer. “Hello? Mami’s home!” Walking into the living room, you saw Rafael holding Mila, two pairs of green eyes and two smiles greeting you. “Hi cariño. Don’t move! We have a surprise for you.”

You eyed your husband and daughter suspiciously, “Ok….Rafi what’s up?”

“Just wait and see Y/N.” Rafael set Mila down on the floor. “Ok princesa, let’s show Mami what you did today.”

Mila smiled and took several wobbly steps towards you before plopping down on her bottom, she laughed and reached out for you with her chubby arms. Your heart just about burst out of its chest, your precious little baby was walking. You picked up your daughter and held her close, feeling tears form in your eyes. “Mila! You walked! I’m so proud of you mi amor!”

“She started walking in my office. I was so excited I hung up on Jack McCoy.” Rafael said while you cradled your baby.

You couldn’t believe your daughter was walking now, pretty soon she would be a year old. It’s as if you blinked and your baby was growing up. The tears began to fall as you realized how quickly time was passing, in just a few short years Mila would be going to school.

“Y/N? What’s wrong?” Rafael asked upon hearing you sniffle back tears.

“She’s growing up so fast, Raf. It seems like only yesterday she was a newborn and now she’s walking…..and I missed it!” You wailed, your tears now turning into sobs.

Rafael chuckled and went to comfort you. “Please don’t cry, Mami. You didn’t miss it.”

“Did you get it on video?” You asked hopefully.

Rafael looked down, he didn’t have the heart to tell you that he actually didn’t witness Mila’s first steps since he was preoccupied with his phone call. “Well…. no, but—,” you cut Rafael off as you began to sob. Mila looked up at you and began to cry as well, sensing her Mami was upset so she should be too.

“Oh no not you too, princesa.” Rafael sighed. “This is a good thing Y/N. We want Mila to get bigger and stronger. Trust me you’ll see Mila walk all over the place. I have a feeling we have a runner on our hands.” He said wrapping you both up in his arms, trying to soothe his girls.

After a few moments, you both finally calmed down. You looked down at Mila, her little face all red from crying, crocodile tears still on her cheeks. “I’m sorry I made you so upset muñequita.” Wiping the tears from her cheeks, you kissed her forehead and snuggled close to her. “My sweet little baby.”

Mila pulled away and looked up at you. “Mama,” she said before giving you a sloppy kiss on your cheek. You looked at Rafael, his shocked expression mirroring yours. “Mila, what did you say?” He asked staring at his daughter. Mila giggled, “Mama!”

“Oh my God! Her first word!” You exclaimed. Rafael laughed and kissed Mila then you, “See Y/N, you didn’t miss all of her firsts!”

Looking between Rafael and Mila, your little baby really was growing up so fast, already walking and talking. Your bottom lip quivered, unable to stop the tears from falling down your face again.

“Well mi amor, look on the bright side…at least her first word wasn’t rapist.” You laughed into a sob at your husband’s futile attempt at a joke. Rafael playfully rolled his eyes and kissed your forehead. Running his hand through your hair, he looked down at his wife and daughter, so grateful for his little family.

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