#baldmike2025

[clericallyinsane]

Bald Mike Wheeler Custom Icons

[byler-endgayme]

Official Lobegate Lore

If you’re new to lobegate, I highly recommend reading this post by @bluearacari

Read that first if you want to understand what lobegate is. It explains lobegate itself, how it started, and the key pieces of lore in order of when they were revealed to the ‘audience’ (Bald Mike nation).

In this post, I’ll explain the full lobegate storyline in (mostly) chronological order. Most of this is based off of anon asks, but I also just made up some of the lore so it flows better. Unfortunately, I couldn’t incorporate every single anon ask, because some of the lore contradicts each other or has loose ends. However, if I missed out on something important or got things wrong, please let me know!

I’ve also made a lobegate playlist, which you can listen to while reading if you like:

Playlist cover is from this hilarious edit by @xoceanstarx011

I’m the anon behind these following identities in lobegate:

Baseball Girl

Will’s Favorite Car / Milkvan

Jesse

U. N. Owen

Duolingo

Other anons:

@dynamicccsworld (Baseball Boy, George Seymour Kent (?), Hawkins Reports)

@your-ivy-grows13 (Tick Tock)

@itwasaseven7 (The New Baseball Girl)

Others (If I missed you and you wanna be tagged, please let me know!)

Bald Mike nation (received anon asks):

@tripleatechie

@clericallyinsane

@dia-depeche

@bluearacari

@pythoness94 (hacked the MMM, allowing Bald Mike nation to hear what occurred within)

@noihavenosanitythanksforasking

@orlastarburst

Others (This is based off activity in the #lobegate tag - if I missed you and you wanna be tagged, please let me know!)

Lobers (started this whole thing)

@somewiseoutthere

@itwasaseven7

@noihavenosanitythanksforasking (?)

Others

@red-raven707 (fooled us into thinking they were a Lober)

Anyways, let’s get into it!

…

Mike was going bald quickly and desperately needed a balding implant. Alas, he couldn’t get on the waiting list for one, so he decided to steal Walter White’s balding implant, becoming the Bald Mike we know and love today. At this stage, Bald Mike did not yet fully comprehend the power of his special, shiny implant to hypnotise people…

Conveniently, nobody knew what happened to Walter White himself, so Bald Mike got a wig and stole his identity for the time being. Only Bald Mike’s best friend, Jesse Pinkman, was in on it. However, Jesse didn’t know about the balding implant yet, and just thought he got a weird haircut.

On November 2nd 2021, at 8:15, Bald Mike took over the Village with Three Waterfalls and reclaimed it as his own. As Jesse stood by his side, holding his hand, Bald Mike revealed his radiant glowing head for the first time. The puny Baseballians didn’t stand a chance against the radiant power of The Light. In the invasion, many Hawkins residents danced in the streets, whilst Baseballians lost their homes. From then on, the Village became known as Hawkins. Because Bald Mike was under the alias of Walter White at the time, this incident became widely known as the Walter White incident.

The loss of the Baseballian village devastated Baseball Boy, Baseball Girl (his cousin), and the New Baseball Girl (Baseball Girl’s twin). They are also known as the Three Waterfalls, named after the iconic landmark from their hometown. Planning revenge on Bald Mike, Baseball Boy formed the Mitochondria Metamorphosis Mob (MMM) with Baseball Girl’s support. However, the New Baseball Girl mysteriously disappeared and was nowhere to be seen…

Over the next couple of months, the MMM recovered from the Walter White incident by recruiting people to join, building a milkshake factory, and establishing their MMM lair. The MMM soon formed an alliance with the Lobers and Duolingo. Duolingo wasn’t much help but made a great pet bird for Baseball Girl, whilst the Lobers adored their holy Lobe. Baseball Boy started the tradition of worship towards the holy Lobe, milkshakes, and baseball bats. He also teamed up with the mysterious Tick Tock, who collaborated with him remotely and helped form many plans. Initially, Baseball Girl supported Baseball Boy’s efforts within the MMM, but gradually she became more and more power-hungry…

Elsewhere, the New Baseball Girl had her own plan to take down Bald Mike. She sneaked off to Hawkins, planning to assassinate Bald Mike herself, but instead stumbled upon a Milkvan in the junkyard who was rusting away. It was Will’s Favorite Car, discarded and forgotten. She repainted him bright blue and discovered he had time travelling powers. Together, they started testing time travel out…

…

Meanwhile, Hawkins was preparing for the upcoming presidential election…

On August 17th, 2022, Bald Mike started his presidential campaign and revealed himself to the world as the bald man he truly was. Entranced by the power of The Light, everyone listened to what he had to say. The citizens put him as their profile pictures and created a large movement in support of Bald Mike. From then on, his supporters became known as Bald Mike nation. Pretty much everyone thought he was a worthy president, and his Baseballian hater minority were nothing to him. At some point in Bald Mike’s campaign, Jesse pointed out that the bald implant had hypnotic powers, with the potential to mess with memories. Surely they could use it to their advantage…

On November 8th, 2022, George Seymour Kent and his partner, U. N. Owen, were scheduled to meet with the new presidential candidate, Bald Mike. They agreed to come - though apprehensively, due to hearing rumours about the Walter White Incident of 2021. They were also surprised that Jesse came to the meeting, seeing that he only stared intently at his watch and seemed bored. At first, George and U. N. Owen’s discussion with Bald Mike went smoothly but then…

At around 4:15 during the meeting, George asked Bald Mike about the Walter White Incident, and everything went awry. Bald Mike didn’t want his dark past to be revealed! In a fit of rage, he ripped off his wig and unleashed the power of The Light unto George. Shocked, George and U.N Owen fought Bald Mike and Jesse. U. N. Owen distracted Bald Mike momentarily with a blow to the cheek, allowing George to escape the office. But poor George’s memories began to jumble up, and he couldn’t escape Bald Mike’s voice in his head…

Soon afterwards, George ran away to Lover’s Lake, suffering from migraines as Bald Mike’s voice became louder and louder. He was seeing the light… he was not himself anymore. All his memories evaporated, replaced only by a vision of that shiny, radiant, bald head. The infection had spread to his brain… he had not long left… and yet the love letter in his pocket was tragically unsent, unread by its intended recipient. With his mind gone, George ripped the envelope open and scrawled a message on the back of the letter. His last words were preserved in golden ink:

HE IS ALL.

THE LIGHT IS NYE.

WE WILL REST UNDER THE WATCHFUL EYE. OF THE KING.

REJECT HUMANITY EMBRACE LIGHT.

Back at the office, Jesse wrangled U. N. Owen off Bald Mike and adjusted his watch, changing the time from 4:15 to 7:00. With his time travelling powers, Jesse brought U. N. Owen and himself to a barren wasteland sometime in the far future. This way, Bald Mike would be safe. But mere moments later, Milkvan and the New Baseball Girl appeared out of nowhere and grabbed U. N. Owen from Jesse. They began to U-turn to capture Jesse, but Jesse quickly adjusted his watch from 7:00 to 8:15. Nobody knew when or where he had time travelled to. So, Milkvan, U. N. Owen, and the New Baseball Girl were forced to return to the present.

Milkvan, U. N. Owen, and the New Baseball Girl now stood in front of the MMM lair. Suddenly, the New Baseball Girl bolted off into the woods - finding these two randos was not part of her plan…

When the original Baseball Girl found Milkvan and U. N. Owen outside, she welcomed them into the MMM with open arms. Milkvan and U. N. Owen didn’t know she was a twin, so they assumed she was the one who saved them. Soon, they formed an undying loyalty to Baseball Girl. Besides, U. N. Owen was intensely worried about George. He still hoped George was alive out there somewhere, but nevertheless, he swore to kill Bald Mike himself.

Having recruited more loyal MMM members, Baseball Girl began to ruminate over leading the MMM herself… without Baseball Boy…

…

Bald Mike suffered an imprint on his cheek where U. N. Owen had hit him. And now he was left alone, without his best friend Jesse. But Jesse’s words from the Walter White Incident kept on repeating in his head…

“I’m gonna save you, my lobe I MEAN LOVE. My sweet, evil, radiant, shiny, goofy, silly, dictator, murderer lobe I MEAN LOVE, you are in grave danger. But don’t worry. Sit tight.”

It was strange that Bald Mike had never remembered him say these words… until just now. It was as if a new memory had just inserted into his brain. Surely, it was one of Jesse’s time travelling antics. In time, everything would make sense. He trusted that one day, his Jesse would return.

…

When The New Baseball Girl had fled from Milkvan and U. N. Owen outside the MMM lair, she bumped into another girl in the woods.

El… wearing a big yellow Benny’s t-shirt. Instantly, the New Baseball Girl fell in lobe at first sight and listened to her story.

Ever since the Walter White incident of ‘21, El had been providing displaced Baseballians with eggos, milkshakes, blankets, shelter, baseballs, and the other necessities they needed to survive the invasion. But to really help the local Baseballians out, she needed to take her ex, Bald Mike, down… and this would only be possible through the MMM. The New Baseball Girl, tormented by her failed plan to assassinate Bald Mike by herself, agreed to help El. She made El her Queen and did whatever she ordered. Together, they started planning to take over MMM from Baseball Boy and Baseball Girl…

…

For three years, Bald Mike basked in the glory of his presidency of Hawkins. But eventually, the time for re-election came again, and Bald Mike would do everything in his power to ensure #baldmike2025 would become a reality.

However, the MMM and its allies had other plans. During these three years, Tick Tock helped Baseball Boy devise the MMM’s plan to assassinate Bald Mike. First, U. N. Owen was going to drive Milkvan all the way to Hawkins and play a haunting tune to scare away Bald Mike nation. Then, U. N. Owen was going to capture Bald Mike, tie him up, and, most importantly, cover up his bald head with a cloth. After this, they were to drive to the three waterfalls and throw Bald Mike down, finishing him off once and for all. With the plan complete just in time for the 2025 election, the MMM and its allies were ready to begin tormenting Bald Mike nation.

…

On 7th January 2025, the Lobers sent Bald Mike nation claims that Mike and El were in lobe. However, it wasn’t long before the Lobers were caught, causing them to surrender and disappear.

Then, the MMM’s recruitment intensified, and they began to reach out to Bald Mike nation. The MMM began spreading propaganda, claiming that Bald Mike was a terrible candidate, that Lobe was for life, and that the holy milkshakes and baseballs should be praised. When this didn’t work, the MMM began threatening Bald Mike Nation with their powerful alliance with the Lobers and Duolingo. All of these theatrics aimed to take down Bald Mike in the upcoming election. But Bald Mike’s radiance was too strong and Bald Mike nation were unmoved.

Secretly panicking, Baseball Boy asserted himself as the leader of MMM and warned about the Milkvan and his haunting tune. He was still hopeful that the original plan could be carried out, but alas…

…

Many years’ worth of seething jealousy finally awoke from within Baseball Girl. In a burst of frenzied fury, she took over the leadership of MMM, and Baseball Boy was much dismayed to find out that Milkvan’s loyalties lied with Baseball Girl. He surrendered and was kicked out of the MMM. Still, he felt he had to reveal the truth about the Walter White incident, and sent coded messages to Bald Mike nation. Before Baseball Boy could continue, Baseball Girl ordered Milkvan to finish him off by running him over.

With Baseball Boy out of the way, Baseball Girl changed the plan. She wasn’t in contact with Tick Tock, so Tick Tock was uninformed of these changes. As originally planned, U. N. Owen was going to drive Milkvan to Hawkins to capture Bald Mike. But according to Baseball Girl’s plan, U. N. Owen and Milkvan weren’t to kill him right away. Instead, they were to deliver him to the MMM lair, find Jesse, and kill Jesse in front of Bald Mike. This would inflict maximum pain unto Bald Mike. Only then would the MMM kill Bald Mike, and afterwards, they’d send the Milkshake Tsunami (generated at the milkshake factory) to destroy Bald Mike nation once and for all. (But of course, nothing ever goes to plan…)

After the plan revisions, the MMM continued sending out recruit invites and threats to Bald Mike nation. In the background, the baseball manufacturing and milkshake brewing continued too. Milkvan was asleep, charging up for the long trip. U. N. Owen was watching the Hawkins News intently, spying on them for information but also secretly hoping George was still alive. Many news reports about Bald Mike and other affairs began to surface, scaring the local Baseballians in Hawkins.

It was around this time that Jesse began contacting Bald Mike nation with coded messages. He ensured they couldn’t be intercepted by the MMM, for that would allow them to track his whereabouts - in both space and time.

Even with all this going on, everything seemed stagnant for a moment or two… and for good reason. Baseball Girl mysteriously disappeared... but what happened to her?

…

All these years later, under the orders of her Queen El, The New Baseball Girl returned to take over the MMM from Baseball Girl. After all, Baseball Boy’s death weakened the group, and now was the perfect time to strike.

Overworked from leading the MMM, Baseball Girl had let her guard down. This allowed The New Baseball Girl to breach security, knock Baseball Girl out with a baseball bat, and throw her into the milkshake brewer at the milkshake factory.

Now, with Baseball Girl out of the way, The New Baseball Girl claimed leadership over the MMM. She painted Baseball Girl as a coward, claiming she fled the country due to stress from leading the MMM. Bald Mike nation continued to be sent endless baseball and milkshake threats. In these threats, The New Baseball Girl warned about the dangerous truth about Bald Mike, criticised Bald Mike nation for suggesting Baseball Girl was dead, and sympathised with local Baseballians.

…

On the 8th of January 2025, shortly after The New Baseball Girl revealed herself to Bald Mike Nation, she disappeared too. Without a clear leader of the MMM, Bald Mike nation eventually calmed down. However, many questions were still left unanswered. What happened to Baseball Girl? What were the New Baseball Girl’s plans? Is Bald Mike truly safe now? Amidst all the silence, Bald Mike eventually let his guard down.

But of course Bald Mike wasn’t safe yet. Far from it. Because Baseball Girl reappeared, explaining her disappearance. She asserted that she didn’t flee the country, contrary to the New Baseball Girl’s claims. It took her hours to clamber out of the Milkshake pot in the milkshake factory, but finally, she returned. The MMM was officially back in business! But now they had to stop the intake of MMM recruitment for safety reasons. Where would they find new recruits now…

Baseball Girl was ready to commence her plan. Milkvan and U. N. Owen were sent to Hawkins, playing the grim Milkvan tune all the way. With his guard let down, Bald Mike was easy to capture. U. N. Owen tied him up and threatened Bald Mike nation. He managed to further capture 387 citizens and began his drive back to MMM lair. Because of this sudden influx of unpaid, forced recruits (slaves, basically), MMM officially closed recruitment to the public. A news report about these missing citizens was broadcasted on Hawkins television, accurately reporting it was coordinated by Baseball Girl.

…

Meanwhile, Tick Tock finally managed to reach the MMM again after Baseball Boy’s death. But Baseball Girl, still tense after the security breach, mistook Tick Tock for the New Baseball Girl. She demanded that her twin reveal herself at once and fight her at the Milkshake factory. When Baseball Girl arrived there, she found The New Baseball Girl busy sipping on some milkshake samples. So there she was! As payback, Baseball Girl drugged her, ensuring she would be unconscious for at least the next 12 hours. She pretended she didn’t know what happened to the New Baseball Girl, trapped her in a bunker, and patiently waited for the captured Bald Mike to arrived at the MMM lair.

Though tied up, Bald Mike bashed about inside Milkvan and damaged him quite badly. When they arrived at the MMM lair, U. N. Owen began repairs on Milkvan, whilst Baseball Girl was delighted to finally have Bald Mike in her hands. With Milkvan’s time travelling powers on her side, she intended on finding Jesse next. Unfortunately, they faced delays due to Milkvan’s repairs and not knowing where/when Jesse was hiding. It didn’t help that Baseball Girl lacked the braincells to decode Jesse’s secret messages to Bald Mike nation.

With the MMM planning to capture him next, Jesse began to panic. He frantically sent his last messages to Bald Mike nation, resolving not to communicate anymore out of fear of being found by the MMM. After all, of all people, U. N. Owen might know where he time travelled to…

Meanwhile, propaganda - both pro-Bald-Mike and anti-Bald-Mike - continued to circulate. Some messages about The Light praised its saving power, whilst others ominously warned against looking at it. In any case, the overpowering strength of The Light was made clear.

…

Tick Tock contacted the MMM again, disappointed about the changes to the original plan. They disapproved of the capture of 387 Hawkins citizens and the delay in assassinating Bald Mike. They threatened Bald Mike nation, claiming Bald Mike would be in danger if a deal was not made.

But Baseball Girl asserted to Bald Mike nation that she wanted to assassinate both Jesse and Bald Mike. She would drown them both in the milkshake pot at the milkshake factory. Initially, Baseball Girl was apprehensive about collaborating with Tick Tock, not knowing who they were. Nevertheless, she started discussing plans with Tick Tock, requesting to capture Jesse and make Bald Mike watch him die.

Tick Tock didn’t disclose their true identity to Baseball Girl, saying they were only here to make plans. However, they agreed to help capture Jesse.

Baseball Girl asked Tick Tock if they had any ideas as to the time period Jesse was hiding in. She also waited for help from Milkvan or U. N. Owen, but it took a while to get a response from them…

…

At the repair shop, Milkvan’s repairing was delayed, as U. N. Owen’s attention was drawn to breaking news on TV. Three years after George’s disappearance, his body was finally discovered near Lover’s Lake at 5:15. His last written words on the piece of paper were broadcasted on TV, but tragically, the love letter for U. N. Owen on the other side was not shown.

Upon the announcement of George’s death, many years’ worth of pent-up yearning and hoping crashed inside U. N. Owen. Pure grief, regret, and devastation ravaged inside him, and he admitted - too late - his love for his beloved partner. He described how brave, courageous, and justice-seeking George was, and went away to cry for a few minutes.

…

The New Baseball Girl finally awoke from being drugged. She was ultimately powerless, trapped alone in the bunker without any food or water. Nevertheless, she swore that Jesse would be captured, and claimed Jesse was the ‘brains’ whom the ‘stupid’ Bald Mike relied wholly on. Then, she descended into a fit of fury, swearing to fight Baseball Girl. The New Baseball Girl claimed the MMM truly belonged to her and that there was only supposed to be one of them growing in their mother’s womb.

But Baseball Girl ignored her twin’s requests to fight, saying that finding Jesse was more important.

Finally, U. N. Owen stopped crying and finished Milkvan’s repairs. Discussing the plan with the other MMM members, U. N. Owen recounted the traumatic events of the day he and George met Bald Mike and Jesse in the office. Crucially, he remembered that when Jesse was escaping Milkvan, he had turned his time travel watch from 7-ish to 8:15.

Thinking about what 8:15 could mean, New Baseball Girl wrongfully guessed that Jesse was hiding in Hopper’s cabin in Hawkins.

On the other hand, Baseball Girl thought the whole deal about 8:15 was ridiculous.

What they failed to grasp, fatally, was the true significance of this number, of 8:15. Of course, you can’t really blame them seeing that so much time had passed, but still.

8:15 on November 2nd, 2021… it was where it all began.

The Walter White incident.

…

When Jesse had turned his watch to 8:15 all those years ago, he time travelled back to the past, back to this momentous day. It was the day his life changed - the day Mike revealed his bald head to him. It was so radiant, so magnificent, that Jesse full-on fell in lobe. And, of course, his lobe was reciprocated. The two of them held hands and Jesse had never felt happier.

That’s why Jesse knew it was the perfect time period to hide from the enemy. Not only was it a traumatic moment for the Three Waterfalls, but reliving his best moment - the moment he felt so much love - gave him power. Again and again did Jesse experience this blindingly radiant moment, and again and again did Jesse’s power grow and grow.

But finally, after three years of reliving the Walter White incident, Jesse knew it was time to return to the present. Changing the timeline, Jesse told Bald Mike,

“I’m gonna save you, my lobe I MEAN LOVE. My sweet, evil, radiant, shiny, goofy, silly, dictator, murderer lobe I MEAN LOVE, you are in grave danger. But don’t worry. Sit tight.”

Jesse set his watch from 8:15 to 12:00. And all of a sudden, he teleported to the present, now standing at the centre of the MMM lair. Beside him, his belobed Bald Mike was tied up with his radiant head concealed. And in the room also stood Baseball Girl, U. N. Owen, and Milkvan all staring, gaping at Jesse. They were too late; they failed to find him in time.

HE found THEM.

Jesse untied Bald Mike, and they each held the other in their warm embrace. The MMM thought it was a mere act of affection from these reunited lobers. But it was more than that. The two lobers simultaneously ripped off the coverings off each other’s heads - Mike’s cloth and Jesse’s wig, because Jesse is also actually bald - to reveal two perfectly shiny, bald heads. The power of love, accumulated over years thanks to Jesse’s time travelling antics, was more powerful than ever…

At once, they unleashed The Light unto the MMM.

Milkvan spontaneously combusted; U. N. Owen screamed his dead lober’s last message and exploded into golden ink; Baseball Girl transformed into an inanimate baseball. Positively glowing, Bald Mike walked over to the baseball and squashed it into insignificance.

The New Baseball Girl may have survived this attack, being stuck in the bunker, but she too would not survive much longer without food or water. As for Tick Tock, communicating from afar saved their life. But they disappeared, powerless without the MMM to do the dirty work.

And so, on the 9th of January 2025, Bald Mike and Jesse defeated the MMM with the power of love. With all their enemies obliterated and the 387 hostages returned, Bald Mike’s presidential campaign became an unmatched success.

On the 10th of January 2025, Bald Mike officially won the elections, as well as the hearts of Bald Mike nation. Again did the people make Bald Mike their profile pictures, showing off their Bald Mike pride to the world.

Basking again in the ever-radiant glory of presidency, Bald Mike’s head continued to shine throughout the village with the three waterfalls, throughout the valley - all the way to the abandoned Mitochondria Metamorphosis Mob lair, all throughout the drained milkshake factory, all throughout the woods, all throughout the universe - now and forevermore.

[xoceanstarx011]

Mike lobes El and not Will so Vecna posses Will.

When Mike is proposing to blonde El in baseball field will hits them with will’s favourite car ☹️🙁😐🫤😔

baseball girl and baseball boy who are milkvans biggest fans were watching them get engaged so they also got hit 😔 (lobegate fanfic au edit)

[dynamicccsworld]

EMERGENCY WARNING FOR HAWKINS INDIANA.

This message is broadcasted by the VPO (Virus Prevention Organization) to raise awareness for a new strain of virus located in the Hawkins, Indiana area.

If you are located in the stated area, please lock all doors and windows, turn the lights off and continue watching this broadcast.

If you or a loved one has came in contact with the virus or a infected person, seek medical attention immediately.

The Minion Virus.

(Parvum Flavosis)

The Minion Virus (Parvum Flavosis) was a new virus recently discovered shortly after the election of Bald Mike, named The Minion Virus due to the fact that the infected act similarly to minions or a hive-mind in the later stages of the virus.

So far only 26 known people have contracted the virus. This is not including the additional strain nicknamed Corcra that has recently been discovered; however we have no known information on this strain at this time.

If you have any information on Corcra, or you believe someone you know may have contracted this mysterious strain; contact #####-###### as soon as possible.

The Minion Virus is classified by four known stages.

This message will inform you on how to protect yourself from this virus, and the symptoms and effects shown in documented cases after civilians have contracted this virus.

However, our information may be flawed or incorrect due to this virus still being under thorough investigation by our organization.

Parvum Flavosis can be contracted in a multitude of ways, all that we have discovered at this time are listed below.

•Respiratory droplets that are released into the air when an infected person coughs, sneezes, talks, or laughs.

•The source. It is unknown what the source of Parvum Flavosis is; but it is theorized by many of our most trusted scientists after looking at a multitude of samples of the virus, it is likely man made. We theorize that if a person would come in contact with the original source of the virus, they would become infected as well.

While looking at samples of the virus under a microscope, it seems to have a similarity to that of yellow paint in looks.

It is advised to avoid any substance that matches this description at all costs.

•The Three Waterfalls, and possibly other water sources. We assume some of the Source for the virus is located in the waterfalls at the moment; and therefore they have been closed down and blocked off to prevent any more infection from being spread.

The three waterfalls are located in the local village, the old home of the Baseballians before Bald Mike claimed the land during his presidency.

The local village is set under a state of emergency due to the fact the first recorded case of Parvum Flavosis was spotted there.

It is recommended to boil any water that you plan on drinking as a safety precaution in case other water sources have been infected.

•Dairy product's that originate near Hawkins, this is due to fact that the cattle that make most of the milk for Hawkins dairy products are located near the three waterfalls on local farms.

Due to the waterfalls being infected with the virus, it seems the cattle were infected after drinking the water.

This somehow also infected the milk that the cows produced, without the farmers knowledge.

Due to this incident there has been a ban on dairy products for the time being in Hawkins, and it is advised to avoid any dairy products until authorized or informed that they are safe.

•Getting attacked by a infected person. If you or a loved one is attacked, there is nothing you can do.

We will now go over the stages of The Minion Virus to help you identify if someone you know has been infected.

Stage One

The first stage of Parvum Flavosis, and the least dangerous.

Symptoms include:

•Nausea

•Fever

•Dizziness.

•Headaches

If you or a family member begin to suffer these symptoms, seek help at a local doctor or ER and have the victim avoid human contact at all cost to avoid infecting anyone else.

The virus can only be cured at this stage, there is no help after this stage that we have found.

Stage Two

The second stage of Parvum Flavosis.

Symptoms at this stage are:

•Balding

•Yellow discoloration in the hands and feet.

•Disorientation.

•A increased production of serotonin in the brain.

If a family member or yourself reaches this stage, initiate quarantine immediately in a small room or building if you do not have the resources to use the Internet or evacuate your house.

If you choose to keep the infected in your residence, make sure the infected person has no way to escape from the room they are quarantined in. Regardless of it being yourself or a family member, This will be critical when Stage Four takes place.

Ways to lock a infected in a room can consist of:

•Closing and boarding up windows.

•Locking and barricading doors.

If you do have access to the Internet, call #####-###### to eliminate the threat.

Although infected people are not a danger at Stage Two, it is recommended to stop the process of metamorphosising by taking care of the threat.

Since the infected still have control of their body at Stage Two, it is recommended family members of mourn them before they are eliminated.

Stage Three

The third stage of Parvum Flavosis.

Symptoms include:

•Full balding of the head and body.

•Yellow discoloration reaches arms and legs.

•Memory Loss similar to documented cases of Frontotemporal Dementia.

•Hallucinations of a false prophet.

If a family member reaches this stage, contact #####-##### immediately and evacuate the premise.

If you however, somehow cannot do either of those tasks; locate a weapon and eliminate the threat as soon as possible before Stage Four can commence. If you cannot do that either, the only thing you can do is hope the victim perishes of starvation.

However, If you yourself have reached this stage, you will have to trust that you are eliminated; as that is all you can do.

Stage Four

The fourth and final stage of Parvum Flavosis.

The infected are considered nonhuman at Stage Four.

Symptoms:

•Elongation or shortening of the body.

•Changes in bone structure, located mostly in the face.

•Laughter.

•A large uptick in violent behavior, likely related to extreme changes in the frontal lobe.

•Full yellow discolouration of the skin.

•Loss of identity located to the development of the memory loss in Stage Three.

•Uptick of Senescence in some individuals.

•Shifting of facial muscles, causing the victim to have the appearance of a smile. Including stretching of the skin around eyes and lips.

•A hive-mind like mentality, which has yet to be researched but has been theorized to come from the virus affecting the Amygdala and Frontal Lobe.

(The patients documented in our research seem to talk about "the light" and a savior, however it is unknown if this is a symptom of the virus or a outwardly source.)

•Loss of teeth, primarily documented as the molars; however this can vary depending on what the victim consumes after reaching the final stage.

•Change in diet, the infected have been recorded to have a omnivorous diet, consisting of bananas and meat. However, some of the infected may gravitate to one or the other depending on where they are located.

If a family member reaches Stage Four, follow the previous instructions listed; Call #####-###### to eliminate the threat and evacuate the premise immediately. However, this does not guarantee your safety due to the danger those who reach Stage Four possess.

If you cannot run, there is nothing else you can do but pray.

If you yourself have reached Stage Four—

You are not yourself.

Ending Statement.

If you are one of the many fortunate to have the resources, it is recommended to evacuate Hawkins until a cure for this virus is found.

We will be working our hardest to find a cure for this terrifying plague, and we pray that is soon.

[ikwhatyouaremikewheeler]

Ignore what BASEBALL BOY 👺👺👺 said. HE’S not the leader. I AM THE LEADER. We are currently experiencing some internal conflict due to debates over who will best defeat bald mike. On behalf of the MMM nation, I Apologise for the RUDE address this DELINQUENT has given you, In fact, I do think it is in our best interest that we hire you, if you are interested, of course.

With your insider information and peak milkshake delivery skills, I do think you make a good candidate to become a member of the MMM. Request your interest at once and we will deliver to you the true oath of lobe allegiance. However, if you do not express your interest in becoming a fellow earlobe, I will see to Baseball Boy’s desire to strike at once.

(I must repeat that I am the true Lobe Leader of the MMM. Anyone who disagrees is committing an act of miso soup gyny.)

With the most lobe,

Baseball Girl

NO. NO LOBING. STOP😭😭

Wdym by peak milkshake skills😭😭😭

No baseball boys OR girls!!!

As I said before, pry Bald Mike from MY COLD DEAD HANDS

BALD MIKE AND BYLER FOREVER!!

[4rielle]

Chat do we fw bald Mike pkxd avatar????

[baldmikeclubofficial]

Thank you for all the ones who voted in the election and made us get where we are. It's time to begin.

#baldmike2025

[pythoness94]

B dbwgtiixw Dxgm'l itkmgxk, N. G. Hpxg, tgw ukhnzam maxf mh max ynmnkx. Tymxk matm B ehlm tee vhgmtvm pbma fr ykbxgw Utew Fbdx, lh bm ptl cnlm N. G. Hpxg tgw B bg t utkkxg ptlmxetgw. Maxg lnwwxger hnm hy ghpaxkx, t ukbzam uenx Fbedotg tiixtkxw tgw t zbke pbma t Utlxutee axtw ptl wkbobgz bm. Maxr lgtmvaxw N. G. Hpxg ykhf fr zkbi! Maxr pxkx tuhnm mh vtimnkx fx mhh, unm B jnbvder mbfx mktoxeexw mh tghmaxk ixkbhw, paxkx B atox uxxg xoxk lbgvx. B lxglx B tf ghm ltyx tgrfhkx axkx, lh B kxixtm matm mabl bl fr etlm fxlltzx. Vhffngbvtmbhg bl mhh wtgzxkhnl. Max fbedotg ftr ybgw fx rxm.

"I kidnapped Kent's partner, U. N. Owen, and brought them to the future. After that I lost all contact with my friend Bald Mike, so it was just U. N. Owen and I in a barren wasteland. Then suddenly out of nowhere, a bright blue Milkvan appeared and a girl with a Baseball head was driving it. They snatched U. N. Owen from my grip! They were about to capture me too, but I quickly time travelled to another period, where I have been ever since. I sense I am not safe anymore here, so I repeat that this is my last message. Communication is too dangerous. The milkvan may find me yet."

NOOOOOOOOOO

MAN DOWN MAN DOWWWW

[clericallyinsane]

𝖨𝗇𝗍𝗋𝗈 𝗉𝗈𝗌𝗍:

First of all, THIS IS YOUR SIGN TO STAY ALIVE. The following link has helplines for almost every place/situation that could be found. If you need help, PLEASE get it.

Oh and don't forget to click for Palestine:

Okay, now onto the actual intro.

𝖡𝖺𝗌𝗂𝖼𝗌: (copying from my wife)

My name's Ella, I use they/she pronouns and I'm a lesbian, more specifically for my girlfriend @noihavenosanitythanksforasking;

I'm in too many fandoms and this blog is not divided at all but my main fandom is Stranger Things, specifically the byler fandom, as well as ronance;

Secondary fandoms include:

Dead Boy Detectives

Good Omens

My Babysitter's a Vampire

Agatha All Along

The Black Phone

Cobra Kai

Scorbus (although i don't engage in it as much bc of we know who)

The Aristotle and Dante books

Spiderman

Other things I like:

Monster (2023) - favorite movie of all time

Kpop (ARTMS, StayC, Enhypen, TXT are my faves)

Chucky, Nightmare on Elm and other horror movies

The Muppets and Backyardigans (yeah ik)

80s/90s gay movies in general

Bottoms

I Saw The Tv Glow

Wicked

Kamikaze Girls

Saltburn

Fear Street

𝖧𝗈𝖻𝖻𝗂𝖾𝗌:

Language learning (spanish and korean rn)

Music producing/singing/playing guitar and piano

Studying film

Drawing/making art

𝖥𝗎𝗇 𝖿𝖺𝖼𝗍𝗌:

I am the creator of bald mike;

I write fanfics on ao3, both serious and unserious, w the username gaypaladinosaur

I love halloween!!!!!!!! and christmas!

I am one of the chaos causers of the byler fandom since 2021, including all my shitposts, bald mike and lobegate;

I think that's it ty bye i love making friends!!!!!!!!!!

[byler-endgayme]

i changed my profile picture on whatsapp to bald mike and

MY PARENTS TOLD ME TO CHANGE IT BACK 😭😭 like genuinely it pissed them off help 😔

it’s ok i’ll find another way to burn the image on bald mike into their brains…

[ikwhatyouaremikewheeler]

The MMM has found you to be a suspicious individual and we have put you to be under the harshest of investigations.

You will not be able to stop this, As I put this plan in motion as the leader of The Mitochondria Metamorphosis Mob.

With Lobe,

Baseball Boy.

No. No lobe.

You will with to take bald Mike from my cold dead hands.

BALD MIKE FOREVER

[pythoness94]

u.n owen is probably mad his bf died. those guys were always looking at eachother on their news broadcasts.

— Local Baseballian.

damn, doomed yaoi really got all of us.

[clericallyinsane]

i changed back my pfp to bald mike to show support for him in these trying times

[clericallyinsane]

THE FINAL TRUTH

my final confession:

the least important thing is the following

@itslikesearcingforsomething was right about this ask. i was the one who sent it. HOWEVER, i am NOT a part of the MMM. If I was it'd be better for the plot but I'm not I just thought it'd be funny to send it. But you were right about this one.

Now to the important part: the balding truth.

i'm sorry I'm not new baseball girl cause then it'd be really over but it's still an ongoing investigation for her

[clericallyinsane]

guys Tumblr is not letting me change my pfp I guess I just gotta own it and stay true to myself