#back to normal now but we’re still waiting on test results to find out what happened

[dustywave]

he’s too perfect and i can’t stand it

[daisyblog]

We Made It

Our Story Masterlist Summary: YN and Harry's unexpected suprise.

For a week or so, Harry had noticed some changes with YN. She was crying at pretty much everything, like the other night tears were streaming down her face because they’d ran out of her favourite chocolate. 

In the last few days Harry had noticed that YN was saying she was tired a lot, almost sleeping the minute her head hit the pillow. She was complaining of having headaches and feeling nauseas. 

At first they thought it may have been a bug or something and her body needing a break. But something no one else would have noticed, but Harry knew YN’s body better than he knew his own, was that her breasts looked bigger. And that’s when the thoughts started swirling around in his head. 

At first he thought he may have been over reacting, but as the days passed and the symptoms had only gotten worse, he had a feeling he was right. 

Harry and YN had just finished packing for their weekend trip up North to watch Louis’ shows in Sheffield and Manchester. YN practically collapsed on the bed, complaining how tired she was, despite the fact that they hadn’t done much knowing how busy their weekend was about to be. 

Harry was in the en suite, and as he finished washing his hands at the sink he quickly looked to see if YN still had the tests in the cupboard. He was hesitant to say anything but it had been on his mind for a while, and he needed to know. 

“Hey babe!” Harry walked into their bedroom, with the test in his hand. “I think you need to take this.”

Harry held the test out towards her, but YN froze at the sight of a  pregnancy test. “What..why-why do-“.

“Babe, you’re feelings sick, you’re struggling to stay awake” Harry began to list the few symptoms, before adding another with a cheeky grin “And…those” he gestured towards her chest “are fucking massive”.

Even in this situation, YN couldn’t help but laugh at Harry’s cheeky comment, a loud giggle leaving her lips. “Do you really think I could be?”.

Harry shrugged his shoulders, “There’s only one way to find out”.

After peeing on the two sticks, YN sat them on the counter in front of them both. Taking YN into his arms, Harry left a soft loving peck to her temple. He had deja vu from when they had been in this situation before, waiting for the results of their future.

Breaking the silence, Harry’s timer on his phoned buzzed, letting them know that the three minutes was up. Not being able to wait any longer, they both reached for a stick each.

Both not believing what they were looking at, their eyes found each others. Eyes wide, mixed with excitement and nerves. “I’m pregnant”.

“We’re having a baby!” Harry pulled YN into his arms, holding her tight and covering her face with kisses, giggles leaving her lips as he did.

Almost like all the emotions had hit her at once, tears threatened to spill from her eyes. “I feel so overwhelmed.” YN admitted as she wiped the tear that slipped down her cheek.

“Hey, it’s okay…it’s normal to feel all these emotions.” Harry reached to wipe her cheek as another tear appeared. “I am so so happy…but I am absolutely fucking terrified”.

“You don’t need to be, you’re going to be the best Dad to this little one” YN complimented, his dimples appearing at her words. 

“And you’re going to be the best Mum.” Harry spoke, moving a loose piece of hair from her face. “Because you literally had the best.”

At his words, the tears poured. YN always knew how hard it would be if she were ever to become a Mum without her own by her side, but the reality of it had it her suddenly. She remembers Lottie feeling the same way and Phoebe, who too was currently pregnant. But now she see’s how Lottie’s light is back on and that’s all down to Lucky. 

For the rest of the night, Harry and YN laid together under the sheet, talking, crying and wondering who the little life was hiding away in her tummy. 

They had discussed wanting to keep it a secret until they had been for their scan and knew their little one was healthy and how far along YN was. But they had agreed on telling one person each about their news. It hadn’t taken them long to decide on who their person was going to be.

---

YN would have loved nothing more but to run to her Mum and share the news because again, her Mum would have been the best Nana. She had seen first hand how much she loved Freddie but sadly she accepted that would never be able to have that moment. She knew her Mum was by her side everyday, she could feel her and she knew she had sent her this little baby. 

So who else would YN turn to? Louis of course. Louis was not only YN’s brother, but her best friend too. They were one of a kind for siblings, growing up they bickered like any brother and sister would but as they got older they realised how important they were to each other. Louis protected her and YN worshiped the ground he walked on. Louis was the person YN looked to for advice, or to share an achievement with and the person who she wanted to go to when times were good and not so good. 

They had decided to share their news with Louis at his Sheffield show. They had travelled up the morning of the show and stopping at her grandparents house because that’s where they were staying that evening. YN found it hard not to let their little secret slip to her Nan, especially after she hugged her and the older woman said “There’s something different about you…you’re extra happy.”.

To be able to see Louis before everyone arrived, Harry and YN headed to the arena before the rest of her family as they were still waiting for Lottie, Lewis and Lucky to arrive. 

They had found Louis in his dressing room enjoying a few moments of silence, before the busy night ahead. The sound of the door opening caused Louis head to turn and his smile immediately showed.

“Oh here they are, c’mere” Louis stood from his place and motioned for YN to him. Wrapping his arms around her, swaying slightly, telling her how much he’d missed her. “Well someone’s chirpy today.”

“Fook off Lou” YN laughed as she sat down in the seat that Louis was just using. Louis and Harry sitting down on the sofa opposite.

“Excited for tonight?” Harry asked Louis, knowing exactly how he was feeling. But it was a nice feeling knowing Harry got to be apart of the crowd tonight and a fan, instead of the one entertaining. 

“I’m fookin’ buzzin’ man…just can’t wait to get out there.” Louis spoke quickly, the excitement surrounding him and evident in his tone.

“I have the best idea!” YN announced, emphasising the word best. Both boys turning their heads with unimpressed expressions, wondering what she was going to suggest. “You should both sing a One Direction so-“.

Louis interrupted her idea before she could finish. “And this is the reason why I kicked you out of the group chat you made for us”.

“Yeh that was fookin’ rude.” YN bit back, Harry shaking his head knowing that this could go back and forth all day. Instead picking up the gift bag that they had brought with them. “Babe, why don’t you give this to Louis?” He suggested, trying to change the topic. 

Taking the bag from Harry, she passed it to Louis with no further explanation. Louis looked between the pair, a frown written all over his face because he didn’t understand why they were giving him a gift. “Whot’s this for?”.

“Just open it!” YN smiled, encouraging her brother to open the box. She was excited for Louis’ reaction, but at the same time nervous because his opinion meant the most to her.

Louis reached in the bag and lifted out a plain white box, still looking at his sister and Harry with a frown. As he opened the box, he was met with a card and what he knew was a plain beige baby grow. Louis stared at the words, YN and Harry eager for his reaction. 

“No fookin’ way!” Louis eyes found YN. “You’re not!”. 

YN nodded softly, “I am”.

“I can’t believe it…fookin’ ‘ell Nan and Grandad need a bigger house for Christmas’ don’t they?” Louis joked at the realisation that their house was already full, and now two of his sisters were pregnant. 

“Are you happy?” YN asked, a spot of nervousness in her voice. Something Harry or Louis didn’t see often. 

“Happy…I’m fookin’ buzzin’ Tiny!” Louis was quick to wrap his arms around his sister once more. “You’re gonna be the best Mum and you deserve this more than anyone!”.

At his words, YN hugged Louis tighter as the tears ran down her cheeks. Those words meant the most coming from Louis because she knew it was from the heart. 

“And you c’mere man.” Louis gestures towards Harry, both pulling each other in for a brotherly hug. “Congratulations man…it’s the best feeling in the world and you’re gonna be the best Dad”.

“Thanks mate” Harry squeezed Louis and tapped his hand on his back, again appreciating the kind words.

---

It was no secret that Harry was a mama’s boy. Anne absolutely adored her children and vice versa. She always showed so much love, thought and kindness to everyone around her. Anne was the person that Harry turned to for everything, from happy times to sad times, she was his go to person. Since the passing of her Mum, she had taken YN under her arms like she was one of her own, giving her the motherly love she dearly missed. So obviously Harry wanted to tell his Mum the exciting news.

After watching Louis show last night, they had all hung out backstage eating pizza and very much enjoying some family time. But the next morning, Harry and YN travelled to Anne’s to spend the day with her, and to tell her the news, before they headed to Manchester to Louis’ show, Anne included. 

Anne greeted them both with a warm cuddle, as she opened the front door, welcoming them in. Like every time Harry came home, he went straight to the fridge to see what he could find. Anne made them all a cup of tea whilst they chatted. 

As they all sat in the cosy living room, the fire burning in the background. Anne looked at YN with a soft smile. “Are you alright my love, you look exhausted?” Noticing the dark circles that sat beneath her eyes.

YN glanced at Harry, knowing that this would probably the best time to tell her the news. Harry coughed into his hand, clearing his throat as a smile threatened to appear. “Uh, Mum, we’re…we have some news”.

Anne looked worried, especially because for once she couldn’t read Harry or YN’s expressions. “You’re scaring me”.

Harry and YN smiled at each other, knowing that once the words are spoken, Anne was going to be ecstatic. “Well… you know how Gemma’s pregnant?” Harry spoke the words casually, a smile threatening to show.

“Yes?” Anne’s eyes flicked between Harry and YN. “Wait…are you?”. At the realisation, her hands covered her mouth, hiding her shocked expression. YN and Harry laughing and smiling at her reaction, already knowing how much love Anne was going to give to their baby. “Are you…you’re pregnant?”.

With a smile on her lips, her cheeks hurting from the action, YN nodded. Anne got up from her seat and pulled YN into her arms, as tears ran down both their cheeks at the special moment. After hugging Harry and getting emotional again at the thought of her own baby with his own baby, Anne sat down in her seat as she rubbed underneath her eyes. 

“Oh I’m so happy, I can’t believe it” Anne repeated throughout the day, still in shock that she was not only going to be a Grandmother, but a Grandma to two little babies. Although she had agreed to keep the news to herself, she knew it was going to be difficult not to shout it from the roof tops.

Harry had always been protective over YN since they began dating, especially when it came to being out in public. But Anne doesn’t miss the way he’s right behind her on her every move, as they walk through the back entrance of the arena. The way he hold her hand a little tighter or how tense his shoulders get when someone hugs YN a light too tight. Anne can only put that down to the precious cargo YN is currently carrying. 

But what brought a tear to Anne’s eye was when she saw Harry’s hand discreetly on YN’s tummy, as he hugged her from behind whilst Louis sang “‘cause we made it”. 

They really had made it, and now it was their turn for a little happiness. It was a bittersweet time for Anne because she wished a special person was standing by her side to share this special moment with. 

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[megxplryxb]

Just thinking about Reader finding out she’s having Steve’s baby and how Steve would be during her pregnancy.

You’ve only been married to Steve for a blissful couple of weeks when you realise you’re expecting a little baby Harrington.

One morning after Steve leaves for work, you rush to the bathroom feeling extremely nauseous and after realising your period is more than a little late, you run to the store to buy a couple of pregnancy tests to put your mind at ease.

It’s impossible you think, you’re completely overreacting. It’s just stress after the wedding and nothing more. You and Steve had always been so careful…well, except for one night. One drunken passionate night on your honeymoon when you just couldn’t wait for him to be inside of you any longer. You hadn’t used a condom and had completely forgotten to get the morning after pill with all your holiday activities keeping you both busy. Fuck, you were so stupid!

Your heart beats out of your chest as you wait for the result of the first test, sitting on the bathroom countertop, nervously biting on your nails as you stare at the watch on your wrist. You prayed it would come back negative, that you’d never even have to tell Steve about your silly worry and things could just go back to normal.

When it’s finally time, you psych yourself up to look at the test., taking a few deeps breaths in and out. A cold sweat pouring from you as your hands begin to shake, picking up the test.

+ Positive. Fuck.

You fall to the floor in tears, trying to catch your breath before beginning to process the result. You’re pregnant and the timing couldn’t be worse.

You and Steve were newlyweds, you’d just moved in to a new apartment of your very own and had so many plans for the future that didn’t include children. Of course you both wanted kids, Steve wanted six for christ sake but not now, not yet. It was too soon.

You’d taken 2 more tests throughout the day, both of which came back positive, confirming that you were indeed expecting. You sat in silence most of the afternoon wondering how you were going to tell Steve. Was he going to be angry at you? Would he still love you? You were terrified to find out because you loved him so much.

By that evening, you were starting to imagine what life would be like with a little baby in it. Would it be a boy or a girl? Would they look like Steve? Would they have his eyes? Would be good parents? Would it be so bad if you kind of wanted this baby?

It was shortly after 8pm when you hear the familiar sound of your Husband’s keys turning in the front door of your apartment. “Hi honey, it’s me. How was your day? It’s freezing outside!” He shivers, removing his coat before walking towards the kitchen to see you sitting at the table.

“Honey, are you ok? What’s the matter?” He questions, bending down to cup your cheeks, wiping the tears from your eyes. He’s concerned now, panic visible on his face as you try to gain your composure.

“Stevie, I have to tell you something but I’m so afraid you’re going to be mad and I just need you to know that I’m sorry and that I didn’t plan on this happening right now.” You cry hysterically as he wraps his arms tightly around you, he can feel your body shaking, the tears soaking his t-shirt. He’s completely terrified. Were you sick? Did you not love him anymore? Did you regret marrying him?Was there someone else? Were you going to leave him?

“Honey, please just tell me what’s going on? You’re starting to scare me.” He trembles as you take a deep breath before blurting out. “I’m pregnant.”

“You’re…. You’re what?” He asks, eyes widened in shock as he tried to process your statement.

“I’m preg- we’re pregnant.” You mumble again as he stands back up, a hand over his mouth as he remains silent. You can’t read his expression.

“When you left for work this morning, I started to feel really sick, I puked a couple of times and I thought maybe it was that take out we got last night, you know? But then it dawned on me that my period was late, like really late and I didn’t think it was possible at first, I mean we’ve always been so careful to use condoms and I was going to go on birth control one I got my next period but then I remembered that night on our honeymoon when we didn’t use one and we forgot to go to the pharmacy the next day, so I went to the store today and got a bunch of tests and…they all came back positive.” You say, taking the tests from your bag and placing them on the table for Steve to see for himself. “I’m so sorry Stevie, I honestly didn’t mean for this to happen. I know we had so many plans for the future and this is happening so much sooner than we wanted it to but…”

You were so busy rambling, afraid of his response that you didn’t even notice the smile on Steve’s face, the tears in his eyes as he finally picked up one of the pregnancy tests to inspect it further.

“We’re really having a baby? I’m going to be a Dad?” He asks, staring at you, his wife, with utter adoration as he walks closer towards you.

“Yeah Stevie, we’re really going to have a baby.” You cry as he places a loving kiss to your lips, once again wrapping himself around you, rubbing your stomach gently. “I love you Mrs Harrington, we’re going to be the best parents.”

When you finally tell people, the kids all fight over who gets to be the baby’s godparents but you and Steve have already chosen Robin and Eddie, telling the others they’ll be awesome aunts and uncles either way.

Even Steve’s parents are excited, spending more time in Hawkins to help you both get ready for the baby and it makes you happy to see them finally making an effort for their son.

Steve is the best Husband and birthing partner, attending all the classes and appointments with you, reading all the baby books to know as much as possible before the baby arrives. Making sure you take your vitamins etc.

He tears up upon seeing your baby for the first time at the Ultrasound appointment. Showing EVERYBODY the pictures when you get home from the hospital.

Steve quickly got to work on building the nursery, getting annoyed when you insist on helping him paint the room. “Baby, I don’t want you straining yourself.” “I’m pregnant, not dying Steve.” You’d joke. “Just let me feel useful for a while, please?” You begged and he sighed, knowing he could never say no to you. “Alright, fifteen minutes, then I’m running you a bath.” He said kissing your forehead before handing you a paintbrush.

You decided not to find out the baby’s gender, wanting to keep the surprise for when you gave birth but Steve was convinced it was a girl, often referring to the baby as she/her when talking. “There’s my two girls.”

You and Steve’s weekends are spent buying stuff for the baby, high chairs, strollers, diapers etc. You’re both working extra hours to save as much money as possible, but as the pregnancy progresses, Steve takes on more work so you can rest up at home.

As your tummy grows, Steve can see you’re getting a little self conscious in your clothes. Outfits that fit in the past are no longer comfortable and it makes you sad.

He gives Nancy a couple of hundred dollars to take you for lunch and to shop for maternity clothes, making sure she gets you whatever you want.

He constantly reminds you how beautiful you are, showing you he’s not afraid to have sex with his pregnant wife. He just wants to make you feel good.

Every morning he wakes up, he kisses your lips and then your tummy. “Good morning baby, and my other baby.” He does the same when he gets home from work and every night before bed.

The first time the baby kicks, you’re both lying on the couch watching Jaws, Steve talking over the movie as usual. He drops the bowl of popcorn when he feels you jolt beside him. “Honey what’s wrong? Are you ok? Is it the baby?” He panics, jumping from his seat but you’re quick to pull him back down and place his large hand on your stomach. “The baby, it’s kicking. Woah!” You say, starting to laugh at the feeling of your tiny human growing inside you. “I.. I feel her! Oh my god, she’s kicking hard huh?” He smiles, holding your other hand in his. “I think they like your voice baby.” You say as Steve looks at you in surprise. “You think?” “Uh, huh. They kicked when you started speaking, didn’t you peanut?” You giggle rubbing your belly.

Steve comes home from work the next night with a box of children’s books and he’s so excited getting in to bed to read the bedtime story to your swollen bump. “Stevie, what are you doing?” You giggle as he begins to read.

“Well, you said the baby likes my voice and I want her to recognise that I’m her Dad when you give birth, so Phil from work let me borrow a couple of his kids books so I can read to her. Plus I want her to be smart, not like her old man.” “Steve, you’re not an old man and you are smart.” You smile, putting a gentle hand through his hair, getting cosy in bed as he opens the first book to read to your tummy.

You were almost a week overdue when you decided you finally had enough of being pregnant. You’d gone on multiple walks, ate all the spicy food you could possibly eat and tried every position possible while having sex with Steve. Nothing was working, this baby was as stubborn as you were.

When your water finally breaks, Steve is super calm and you can’t believe he’s handling things so well. He’s had your hospital bag at the front door for several weeks now, car full of gas and newly serviced. He was getting you to the hospital without any issues. “We’re almost there baby.” He says holding your hand as you try to breathe through the pain. “Stevie, I’m scared.” You cry as he chuckles, trying to make you feel better. “Sweetheart, you fought monsters from another dimension for four years without showing any fear but you’re scared of delivering our little girl? This is gonna be a piece of cake to you baby and I’m right here, all the way.” He assured you, kissing your knuckles.

Eddie and Robin wait in the waiting room, Steve having called them once he got you safely to the hospital, knowing you’d want them there to look after Steve if he needed anything. Eddie was beyond excited while Robin paced the halls in a nervous wreck.

Steve was great, he was rubbing your back and shoulders, getting you ice chips, keeping your facecloth cold to press to your forehead and then a few hours later, it was finally tome to push.

This was hell, you were in so much pain, your body was screaming for a break but you knew you couldn’t rest until the baby was out. You wanted to choke Steve for getting you pregnant, telling him he was never allowed to touch you again, that you were only having one baby and that was it.

“Honey, you’re doing so good. Just a couple of more pushes sweetheart, she’s almost here!” Steve whispers in your ear, refusing to leave your side.

That’s easy for you to say! You’re not pushing a football out of your vagina Steve Harrington!” You yell as he tried to hold back a laugh. “Don’t you dare laugh right now!” You warn, squeezing his hand as you feel another contraction.

“I can see the head!” The Doctor cries as you close your eyes, wanting this to be over.

“Come on honey, you’ve got this. It’s time to meet our daughter.” Steve encourages, as you find the strength to push again, feeling the pressure on the bottom half of your body. Suddenly the head is out, then the shoulders and after a few more pushes, you hear the little cries of your newborn baby, before the Doctor hands the tiny bundle to you.

“You did so good honey, you are amazing.” Steve kisses your lips as you begin to cry from happiness, relief and exhaustion.

“Congratulations to the both of you. You have a beautiful healthy baby boy.” The Doctor says as you smile at Steve, cuddling your son.

“She’s a boy? We have a boy?” He cries, holding his little family in his arms as he sits on the edge of you bed, overwhelmed by how happy he is in this very moment.

“I told you we were having a boy. Are you upset?” You frown as he shakes his head. “No! Of course not, look at him, how could anyone be upset when he’s so perfect?” Steve smiles as you move a little to hand him his son. “Take him, I think he wants to say hi to the guy that reads to him every night.” You tease, carefully slotting him into Steve’s arms as he looks down at his son in complete and utter awe. His heart completely melts when his son grabs his pinky finger, holding it tightly as you smile at your two boys.

“Hey little man, welcome to the world, I’m your Dad, and that beautiful woman over there? She’s your awesome Mom. We’re your parents and we already love you so much.” Steve mumbles as tears fill his eyes.

“You know we’re going to have to think of some new names now right?” You joke as Steve nods his head, wiping away his tears. “Oh yeah, somehow I don’t think he’s gonna like the name Phoebe.”

[phantom-dc]

Dad Hood - part 10

After a couple hours of screaming and yelling, Tim was very grateful that he put Danny to bed before Jason began his tirade. The kid didn’t need to see his dad and his uncle fighting like this. As he got back to the living room, he wished he’d stayed with Danny.

‘WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, LETTING THAT CLOWN ANYWHERE NEAR MY DANNY!’

Jason was almost as red as his helmet. Tim was worried he’d pop a vein!

‘WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME THE KID’S A META! I WAS SO EXHAUSTED I COULDN’T EVEN THINK STRAIGHT!’

Dick was yelling right back. Seems like Danny made it difficult for him.

‘WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I GAVE YOU THE NOTEBOOK WITH ALL THE POWERS I KNOW OFF AND EVERYTHING!’

Jason pointed at the black notebook. Tim had a feeling Dick hadn’t read it.

‘YOU SHOULD’VE- wait, you wrote it down?’

Dick was feeling a bit sheepish. He really should’ve read that stupid thing. As Jason was starting another tirade, Tim decided to intervene.

‘GUYS! I know you’re tired and upset, but can you stop yelling? You’re going to wake up Danny!’

Jason and Dick calmed down. Dick apologized for putting Danny in harms way, but he made sure that Danny was ok. The kid had been more upset that he had to leave the cat behind then about what happened. Jason apologized for not being clearer about Danny and his abilities. He thought the book would be enough, but he should’ve told Dick what information was in it. Sitting down on the couch, Dick asked how their investigation went. Did they get some answers?

‘Well, yes and no. It’s complicated. We did find Talia and she was willing to talk to us. Turns out, she did have a kid about 6 years ago. She had him with Jason when he was recovering from his dip in the Lazarus Pit.’

Tim still felt weird about that. Jason had been way too young then, and it didn’t sit well with him.

‘Don’t give me that look. I was totally out of it at the time, I barely remember it!’ Jason misunderstood Tim’s look, thinking he was judging him, instead of Talia.

‘Since he wasn’t Bruce’s kid, she gave him up for adoption so he could have a normal life. She thought he had a good life, but didn’t keep an eye on him. She has no clue how he ended up in Jason’s care.’

Tim saw how surprised Talia had looked that they even knew of the child.

‘So what else did she say? How do Danny’s powers tie in all this?’

Dick was still curious. Surely they had all the answers now, and with he weekend he had he deserved answers!

‘That’s the part that gave us only more questions. She has no clue.’

Tim had been very disappointed that she had no answers. Talia had even gotten angry, suspecting her father of hunting the child down and experimenting on him.

‘And then there’s the age issue.’

Jason sighed. Damian had been aged up by artificial means, but that needed to be tested. Her father had forbidden her from wasting any of Batman's 'sample' on a test, but Talia had been desperate to make sure her Beloved’s son would be safe. That night she seeked Jason out, she hadn’t actually wanted him, but she needed a sample and he was there and still out of it. So the child had been aged up as well. He should look like a 14-year-old now, not 5!

‘So in short, Danny is Talia’s and mine’s kid. But he is far younger than he should be, has powers with no origin and still no clue as to how he got in my appartement!’

Jason was frustrated. He had hoped for answers, but came home with more questions.

‘I’m not even sure it’s the same kid. According to Talia, he had black hair and blue eyes. It might be a result of his powers, but there is a change we’re talking about a completely different kid here.’

Tim was worried. There were so many things that didn’t add up. What if they were getting 2 different kids mixed up?

As the brothers are talking, the bedroom door opens. Danny walks to the couch and crawls up, snuggling up to Jason.

‘Daddy, I can’t sleep. Will you read me a bedtime story?’

Jason pets Danny’s head. He wonders why the kid always has trouble sleeping. Maybe he wasn’t used to sleeping full nights?

‘In a minute, kiddo. Me and your uncles are almost done.’

Dick has an idea. With the amount of powers Danny tormented him with, maybe he could…

‘Hey Danny? Do you know anything about another Danny? With black hair?’

Danny looks up, sleepy. He thinks for a bit, before a ring of light appears. It splits in 2 and travel up and down his body, turning his hair black and eyes blue. His glow disappears and he looks like a normal kid.

‘Like this, uncle?’

The brothers were looking at the now black-haired boy, still snuggled up to Jason in his Martian Manhunter pajamas and his Wonder Woman blanket. At least one mystery was solved rather quickly. Jason rubbed his temple, before asking for the notebook:

Invisibility

Cryokinesis

Flight

Soul-pulling-out-powers???

Destructive scream

Super strength

(Flying) Superspeed

Photokineses

Shields

Doesn't need to breath (as often)?

Color changing (Camouflage? Different form?)

As Jason came to terms with another power, Dick decided it was the perfect time for a poor joke:

‘I mean, at least we know there aren’t 2 Danny’s going around?’

Jason gave Dick a look that said enough. But before he could tell Dick to buzz off, Danny decided to drop another bombshell.

‘But there are 2 of me! Dani is the best!’

The room immediately went silent. The brothers just looked at Danny. Jason gently shook Danny, praying he didn’t just fall asleep on them after that. He needed answers. NOW.

‘Danny, kiddo. What do you mean. Why are there 2 of you?’

Danny was beginning to doze off. He yawned and answered a bit groggily.

‘I was cloned. Dani is my clone. She is so cool. I’m so happy that she exists. Sometimes I wish that he cloned me sooner.’

Tim immediately followed up on that. Who cloned him?

‘Danny, who is this ‘he’? Who cloned you and made the other Danny?’

Danny puts on his thinking face. He still has trouble remembering things. But he knew exactly how to describe the guy.

‘I forgot his name. But he’s a rich, billionaire frootloop with adoption issues and a creepy lair underneath his mansion. He dresses like a vampire and he wants to get with my mom. I hate him.’

Hearing this, Tim and Dick looked up slowly, not wanting to make any sudden movements. Sure enough, Jason’s eyes were no longer blueish. They were glowing full, Lazarus green.

5 minutes later, Jason was calmy going around his appartement, Dick and Tim following in a panic.

‘Jason, please think about this!’

‘I just want to go talk to him.’

Jason was packing his weapons. Dick was trying to convince him to stop doing that, while also trying not to panic.

‘Seriously Jason, we don’t yet have all the info. There might be a good reason for this?’

‘I just want to go talk to him.’

Tim was very glad he had quickly put Danny to bed. The boy didn’t need to see what was going on with his dad.

‘Jason, please stop packing- Is that a bazooka!?!’

‘I just want to talk to him.’

Dick and Tim were at their wits end. They had expected screaming, anger, violence. The calm way that Jason was preparing a murder was unsettling to say the least. Especially since they knew who Jason was going to kill.

‘Dick’s right, Jason. What if it’s a mistake? Maybe it’s someone else-’

‘ARE YOU SERIOUSLY TRYING TO TELL ME THERE ARE 2 OF THAT FUCKER OUT THERE!?!’

Jason was livid. Tim admitted things didn’t seem good, but things had just been too strange. Nothing made sense anymore!

‘Look Jason, think about it. How could Bruce clone Danny? He didn’t even know about him!’

Dick was trying to reason with his brother. He couldn’t let Jason just try and kill their dad.

‘I don’t care how he did it! He knew I had a kid and he didn’t say anything about it! No, not only that, HE CLONED MY KID AND DIDN’T SAY SHIT! Oh, I knew that things had been going too well, I KNEW IT! I knew he didn’t trust me, that’s why he kept it from me! He didn’t trust me with my own kid, and now my kid has DIED AND BEEN REVIVED JUST LIKE ME! IM GOING TO KILL THAT-’

‘JASON!’ Tim actually slapped Jason across the face. ‘I know you’re furious, and you have every right to be! But we have no idea if Bruce really did all that! And before you start, when has ANYTHING about Danny been straight-forward?’

Jason actually put down his weapons, though his eyes didn’t change. Taking advantage of the calm, Tim kept pleading his case.

‘Look Jason. Things are really weird right now, and I admit, it does sound like Bruce did something he shouldn’t have. So, me and Dick are going back to the Manor. Give us a week to get to the bottom of this, ok? In the meantime, you can take Danny to all sorts of places now that he looks like a normal kid. How’s that for a plan?’

Jason calmed down a bit, the green finally receding. He knows Tim is right. He needs more information. And he can’t interrogate Bruce without strangling him right now. He relents:

‘Fine, one week. You investigate the Manor and I’ll try to get more information out of Danny. But if he did know-’

‘Then he’s all yours, Jason. We promise. Just, stay here and we’ll go. Ok? Bye!’

As Dick and Tim rush back to the Manor, they are worried. What the heck had Bruce done?

First - Previous - Next - AO3

[eclecticqueennerd]

Confessions

Y/N Ending

Staring at Homelander’s corpse, breathing ragged, you felt a hand touch your shoulder. You turn around and see Butcher standing next to you. How is this possible? Homelander beat him within an inch of his life, at the very least he should be comatose. You see the rolled-up sleeve and track marks.

“Come on, let’s leave before others find out what happened.” Butcher goes to grab your hand and you snatch them away.

“I’m not going anywhere with you.”

“Y/n I aint fuckin around. You just dusted Vought’s pride and joy and they’re gonna be lookin for ya. We need to leave while we can.”

“I’m not going anywhere with a liar!”

“Wha?”

“Your arm.” Butcher looks down, “You just shot up Temp-V after you promised you wouldn’t. How can I trust you if you can’t even keep your promises?”

“What else was I supposed to do y/n I was dying! We can talk about this later.”

“We’re not talking about anything later. Bye Butcher.” You begin to walk away from Butcher but then he grabs your arm.

“You don’t get to walk away from me.”

“Is there a problem here?” Ben now at your side. You step away from both men, Butchers eyes narrow.

“Mind your fucking business you supe cunt.”

“Anything with y/n is my business. How many times do I have to remind you, she’s, my girl.”

“She aint your girl she’s mine.”

“I’m no one’s girl!” The two men break the stare off and look at you. “This whole time I’ve been helping you fight Vought and fight Payback; I never got a chance to be what it’s like to be by myself. I never got to grieve for my poor husband.” You start crying. Butcher reaches out for you. “No! Don’t touch me. I’m done with this superhero shit.” You leave before the two of them get a chance to change your mind.

*

You find out that Grace was in the hospital, and you rushed to be by her side. Homelander never killed her but the attack left her paralyzed. In hopes to repay her for all her kindness, you become her caretaker. You helped her with daily activities, bathing, dressing, cooking, and cleaning.

“You know y/n you don’t have to do this.” Grace would always tell you in the beginning.

“I know I don’t have to do it; I want to. I want to repay all the kindness you showed me.” Grace helped you find a therapist to work out the shit you went through and how to develop copeing skills for when your PTSD arose its ugly head. Winding down one evening, the two of you were sitting in the living room watching the news when you got a strong urge to vomit. You ran to the bathroom did so. Confused, you walked back to the living room and Grace gave you a look.

“You, okay?”

“Yeah, something must not have agreed with my stomach, I just puked.” Graces attention fell back towards the tv.

“Hmm.”

The following morning, you felt like garbage. You made multiple trips to the bathroom, either to vomit or dry heave. You also noticed that your breasts were more tender than they have been, which isn’t normal. Weird…

“Y/n, have you thought about taking a pregnancy test?” Grace asked once you sat down at the breakfast table with a glass of tepid water.

“I don’t see the point in that, I can’t get pregnant after getting my tubes tied.”

“Theres always a small chance of getting pregnant y/n, the doctor explained that when you were still drugged, which I think he should’ve waited. Did you use protection when you shacked up with Butcher?” Oh shit. You made a doctor’s appointment.

*

“I’m afraid Grace is right y/n, test results came back positive, we tested both your blood and urine. We can perform an ultrasound to determine how far along you are, but basing off your symptoms and the timeline you gave us, we estimate you at approximately 6-8 weeks. We also feel like with your accelerated healing powers, it caused the tubes to grow back together. If it weren’t for you having the abilities you have, the surgery may have been more successful.”

Your heart sank into your stomach. You can’t be pregnant, it wasn’t possible. Reading your expression, the doctor adds,

“We can arrange for… a procedure to take place in a few days’ time if you didn’t want to keep it.” Several minutes of silence befell the room as you mulled over your thoughts.

“I’ll keep it.”

*

Grace’s family heard what happened to her and they arrived at her home to care for her. Even though Grace wanted you to stay, you felt unwelcome by her family. You decided to find an apartment in the city. Packing up the final boxes into the van, you give Grace a hug and bid farewell.

“Make sure you call me when you get there. Send me your schedule for your appointments and I’ll be there for you.”

“Thanks Grace.”

*Third trimester*

Arriving back to your apartment after a long day of being on your feet, you notice a small daisy on your doormat. This event occurred the same day every week since you moved back to the city. You always look around the hallway to see any figures and like usual, no one. You pick up the flower and make your way into the apartment and set it on the counter. Then, strong contractions began in your abdomen and lower back, water trickled down your legs. You pull out your phone,

“Grace, It’s time.”

*4 years later*

You moved to a small town just outside the city. The apartment complex wasn’t awful, it was close enough for you to make the trip into the city but far enough from all the stressors of city life. What prompted the move was the weekly flower delivery made you feel uneasy and watched. You and your daughter, who you named Lyla, always went out for ice cream on Wednesdays at the mom-and-pop ice cream parlor. Walking up to the second floor of the apartment building ice creams in hand, you reach your door and unlock it. The two of you enter the apartment and while you kicked off your shoes, you noticed a familiar pair of boots. Before you could react,

“Mommy? Who’s that?” you look up to where your daughter was pointing. There standing in front of you, was the man you left all those years ago in Vought’s lab. He still looked the same, beard maintained, brown hair a little longer now, his tall frame still holds the same confidence, face appeared more weathered than before.

“Hey.” He spoke. Lyla must’ve noticed the look on your face. She began tugging at your sleeve, showing her nerves. You break eye contact with him and look at your daughter, who serves as the daily reminder of the steamy nights you shared with the man in front of you.

“It’s okay honey. That’s your daddy.”

The end

[jmagnabo92]

First Prince Week 2024 - Day 3 - Race Maze to History, Huh?

@thebrownstone

***

Prompt: Blood, Sweat and Tears

Alex put his blood, sweat and tears into creating a corn maze on his and Henry's property in Texas, and it's time to test it out and have fun :)

AO3

***

Henry smiles as sees Alex standing in the middle of the entrance for the corn maze that he’d spent the better part of the last couple of years building and designing.  The result was an amazing haunted (when he wants it) corn maze that Alex had put his blood, sweat and tears into that they were going to play themselves now that it’s finished.

The maze had six paths with six points that all had a different fun fact and item related to queer history, things such as the Hamilton letters, an item from King James and George Villers or a Bowie album.  The goal was to take any path and find all six items (there’s a map and a hole punch at each location with a different shape because Alex wouldn’t want people to cheat) and have fun.  There’s also a secret bonus spot that is their point somewhere in the maze (which Alex wants to see if the other pairs will find unknowingly).

Alex smiles as he sees Henry approach.  He was the last of their group that was playing in the corn maze for the first time since Alex finished it.  He’d gone inside to get the maps that Alex had forgotten.

“Here you go, love.”

“Thanks, babe,” Alex grins, as he accepts the maps and kisses his cheek.

“You two are so cute,” Liam teases, causing Alex to roll his eyes.

Liam and his boyfriend, Spencer, were good friends of theirs that came by for a visit at least once a week since they moved to Texas shortly after Alex finished law school and opted to open his own smaller firm focused on helping the underprivileged while Henry worked on another shelter down here in Texas.

Those two were the second of six teams.  The other teams consisted of Bea and her best friend, Liza, June and her fiancé, Evan, Nora and Pez, and very surprisingly, Philip and Martha.  When he’d been in London a few weeks back (sadly without Alex), Bea had asked about Alex’s project and when he was planning on having the first run of the corn maze and Martha had shown an interest in wanting to participate.  Naturally, since Philip was still working on their relationship, he'd asked if they could attend and compete in the corn maze race.

“Alright, now that everyone has a map and the locations of six points that you have to find, each team can choose a path – all paths do connect, so it doesn’t matter which one you choose, but the goal is that you get all of your points and then be the first team to the finish line to win.”

“What do we win?” Bea asks, clearly curious.

Henry has to laugh at Alex’s slightly confused look.  He knew that Alex believed the satisfaction of beating everyone else was the reward in and of itself. 

“The satisfaction of winning?” Alex suggests.

“That’s lame,” June states.  “You can think of something better than that!”

Alex rolls his eyes.  “Fine.  Then, you can come up with a team name and I will make a plaque or something that will commiserate the win.  I’ll name the corn maze after the team that wins with said plaque.”

There are hums all around in agreement. 

“Great!”

He moves the center table and sets up his phone to go off in ten seconds.   “When my phone goes off, the game begins!”

There are cheers all around as each team choses a different path and wait as the phone counts down out loud. 

Ten … nine… eight…

Henry steals the chance to get a kiss from Alex as they wait by their path, which Alex would normally take it for the distraction from everything else he’s doing, but Henry knows that he really, really wants to win. 

“I’ve already got the perfect plaque in mind for our win … but I definitely want to continue this later,” Alex assures him with a smile. 

Five… four…

Henry fakes a long-suffering sigh.  “I suppose that I could wait till later.”

“Or you could just make out now and let us win, the odds are that we’re going to win anyway,” Nora states from her position with Pez at the path to their right.

“Not happening, we’re winning this,” Alex states, confidently. 

Nora doesn’t get a chance to retort as the phone sounds and Alex takes his hand and begins running down their path.  Henry’s happily along for the ride as he lets Alex take the lead through the maze and to the first check point. 

“One down, baby!” Alex cheers, happily as he hole-punches their maps.

Henry gives him a kiss.

“Which way, now, love?”

Alex looks back and forth at the T intersection they’re at, “Left.”

He takes Henry’s hand again and they start running.  They don’t make it very far before they make a turn and run smack dab into June and Evan.

They could just pass each other and keep running, but Alex can’t help asking, “How many you got?”

“More than you,” June teases, despite not knowing how many they’ve gotten.  “Wanna help each other?”

“Never!” Alex yells before laughing and pulling on Henry’s hand to lead him down the path opposite of June and Evan.  Henry can’t resist looking back and seeing a laughing and shaking her head June, who regardless of Alex not wanting to help her, seems happy.

The glimpse is gone, however, as they start making twists and turns away from that pair and to the next checkpoint in minutes. 

“Two down, four to go!”

Henry looks down at his map, and says, “It looks like we’re here, right?”

Alex hums.  “Yes, so the next point should be to the left, left, right, right and we’ll end up in that heart shape there.”

Henry looks at him with a sly smile.  He knows that Alex had included their ‘history, huh’ as a point in the maze given that they’re both aware as a soon-to-be royal couple that impacted a recent election, they’re already in the history books.  “You put it in a heart?”

Alex flushes.  “You don’t know that it’s our point.”

“I know you, it’s definitely our point.”

“I guess we’ll have to see – come on.”

He pulls on his hand again and they make their way to the next point and get particularly close when they hear a pair laughing. 

It’s Nora and Pez, and they’re at the point in the heart.

“He’s such a dork.”

“I am not!” Alex huffs announcing them. 

“You put a portrait of the waterloo vase for your history, huh point,” Nora counters.  “Kind of dorky to include you two in your maze for a bonus location.”

“Hey – we made history and it’s my maze and I can do what I want, not dorky.”

“I concur, I think it’s sweet,” Henry offers as he moves to the podium and punch their maps.

“Thanks, baby,” Alex says, kissing his cheek and then spying on Pez and Nora’s maps to notice that they’ve only gotten one point and the bonus.  “And HA, we’re winning!”

Pez pulls his map away from Alex’s eyes.  “You don’t know that.  Maybe I’m not doing my map to confuse spies like you.”

Henry laughs.  “That does seem like something you would do, Pez.  Either way, we should get going if we want to win.”

“Yes, yes, let’s go!”

They take off to the right and Henry hears, “Good luck, losers!” from their friends left behind.

“Still four spots to go,” Henry comments as Alex slows down.  “The bonus isn’t required for your game.”

“No worries, baby.  We’ll win for sure.”

Henry grins at his optimism as they make it to the next point somewhere deep in the maze without running into any dead-ends.

Alex punches their maps and gives him a kiss.  “Halfway there, baby!”

Before Henry can respond, they hear: “Only halfway?  That means we’re winning, Spence!”

They turn towards the sounds of Liam’s voice. 

“There’s no way that you already have over half,” Alex counters.

“Read it and weep,” Liam says, holding up his map to show that yes, they do have four of the six spots and the bonus. 

“Fuck!  I won’t let you win!  Come on, baby, we gotta go.”

Henry can’t help laughing at Alex’s competitiveness with this friendly first use of his corn maze, but he follows after him at a faster pace than they were before. 

They twist and turn and run into more than one dead-end, which was starting to frustrate Alex, until Henry suggests letting him take the lead for a few minutes.

“Alright, baby, you lead.”

He leads the way down a couple of paths, while Alex trails behind clearly trying to figure out where they are in the maze when they stumble into another point. 

“Look, we’re at the Bowie Album,” Henry says, looking the map.  The Bowie point is in between the other two points that they’re missing.  “If we go to left, take a left and a right, we should have this point we’re missing and then we can back track and get to the last point before racing out.”

“Brilliant plan, baby.  Let’s do it.”

Following Henry’s plan, the two of them make it to the next point that was to the left of them some ten minutes later (it looked much closer on the map, and they made a wrong turn at first), and stopped to spy on Philip and Martha, who are apparently struggling with running into dead ends.  

“Should we help them?” Alex questions.  “I don’t think they’ve ever done this before.”

“Of course they haven’t, corn mazes aren’t exactly something we had time for when we were younger…”

“It was all tea parties and junior polo league?” Alex teases.  Remembering the conversation from in the closet at the children’s hospital before they were even friends.

“Something like that,” Henry offers with a smile.  “Why don’t we go to the next point, get it and then, come back and help?”

“Sounds like a plan.”

It’s exactly what they do, and they find Philip and Martha in the exact same spot, still looking lost. 

“Need some help?”

“Competitors do not usually help one another, no?” Philip questions. 

“Philip,” Martha admonishes.  “Yes, we do need help, as long as you’re actually going to help.”

“We may have come across Bea and Liza, and they were decidedly not helpful,” Philip offers as if to explain why he was questioning Alex’s offer.

Henry can’t resist laughing.  They hadn’t come across Bea and Liza (the only team that they hadn’t come across, yet) and he’s delighted by Bea’s mischievousness.  He’s tempted to do the same to Philip and Martha, but one look at their maps shows that they’ve only managed to find one point and that would be too cruel.

“Okay, so we just came from this point that you’re missing – so if you go down this way and turn left, you’ll find it.  Then backtrack and go back this way to get towards two other points.  It’s important to make sure you don’t lose where you are once you figure it out,” Alex offers.

Philip looks at the map and tilts his head.  “Alright.  That seems … accurate.  Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Alex says with a smile. 

They hear a cheer from a few rows over: “Five down!”

They can’t tell who it is, but it renews the competitiveness within Alex, who says, “Time to run, see you at the finish line!”

He takes Henry’s hand, again, and pulls him away from a smiling Martha and Philip towards the final point.  “We are not losing – I have a plan for the name of this place, and it doesn’t involve letting someone else name it with a plaque from someone else winning.”

Henry hums.  “You don’t actually have to let them name the corn maze you put your blood, sweat and tears into for the years if you don’t want to.”

“If they’ve earned it… it would only be fair, but I want to win and make sure that my name choice wins.”

“Alright, then, I guess we better hurry.  We’re pretty close with some of the other teams.”

“Then, come on, baby, let’s do this!”

They run to the next and last point, only to find Bea and Liza there. 

“Last point!” Bea cheers.  “We’re going to win!”

“Not a chance!” Alex says as they punch their cards.  “We’re done, too.  So, it’s a race to the finish.”

Bea shares a look with Liza before taking off and yelling, “See you at the finish line!”

They take off in the direction of the entrance of the maze and Henry doesn’t even have a chance to react before Alex pulls on his hand and they’re running full out towards the direction of the entrance.

Surprisingly, Alex takes a different turn to Bea and Liza, but he seems to know where they’re going so Henry keeps up with him and doesn’t argue.  As they run, they hear other cheers at some other team getting to their last check point and they know it’s a race to the finish.

“Come on, baby, almost there!” Alex yells as he skids to make another turn. 

Henry can hear everyone else yelling for their own partners to hurry as well as to the other teams.

“Don’t worry, Alex – we’re definitely going to win!” Nora yells somewhere to their left.

“Not happening!”

“Yeah, ‘cause Evan and I are going to win!” June yells, somewhat to their right. 

“Nu-uh, we’re winning!”

“No, we are!”

The other two teams (definitely not Philip and Martha) add their voices to mix and it’s clear just how close this game is.

Alex pushes for them to pick it up and finally, Henry sees the finish line. 

He pushes himself further, wanting this win for Alex, and luckily, they reach the bell just seconds before June and Evan. 

“Yes!  We win!” Alex cheers as Bea and Liza come in third, followed by Nora and Pez and finally, Liam and Spencer. 

They all collapse into the chairs at the table near the entrance which Alex had set up with drinks and snacks.  Everyone takes a drink as Alex turns to Liam, “How’d you guys get so close to last, you guys were winning when we passed you?”

“We got all turned around in the far corner over there,” Liam groans. 

“And we made the mistake of asking for help,” Spencer offers, gesturing at Bea and Liza.

Henry laughs.  “So, you didn’t just mess with Philip?”

“Of course not, we were in a competition, and I wanted to win,” Bea counters. 

“Yeah, we tried it with Nora and Pez, but they didn’t believe us,” Liza offers, causing laughter around the table.

“Speaking of Philip, where is the old chap?” Pez asks, as he looks around.

“Erm,” Henry glances around.  “Lost somewhere in the maze?”

“We saw them before we found you two at our last point,” Alex states.  “So, maybe we should go find them?”

“Sounds good, love.”

***

It took a bit longer to find Philip and Martha than it did just playing the game, but afterwards, they had a nice dinner and night, and the following week after everyone went home, Alex sets up the plaque commiserating their win and naming their corn maze.

First Prince’s Maze Race to History, Huh?

It has a picture of them underneath ‘First Prince’s’ and above ‘Maze Race to History, Huh?’ and it looks amazing. 

Henry loves it and he can’t wait to bring the kids from their shelters here someday. 

Henry shows his appreciation, and when he tells him, “I love it, absolutely perfect.”

“Thanks, babe,” Alex says, grinning.  “All the blood, sweat and tears were worth it.”

“Good, I’m glad and I’m proud of you.”

He can see the brilliance in the smile he gets from Alex, and he knows, they’ll definitely be having fun together with this maze now and forever.

Exactly what they’ve always wanted.

[jodilin65]

THURSDAY, JULY 31, 2014 “Boy, my boobies are really getting their sag on lately,” I said to Tom earlier.

“Yes, you’re losing weight,” he said, “That’s what happens.”

Oh, yeah, that’s right. I forgot about that and how the skin takes time to tighten up and all that. It’s been years since I was able to lose weight. Only now it’s coming off more due to whatever’s causing this anxiety than from diet and exercise. My appetite may not be what it usually is but I’m still eating enough and I’ve had very little exercise. Too afraid to do anything to elevate a heart that’s already elevated enough. Not until I find out for sure what’s going on. So… 10 down, 20 to go, yet I’d take it all back if it meant no longer feeling so yucky half the time.

The endo doc didn’t blow me off after all. Don’t know why it took her two days to get back to me, but I’m going in for blood work today. I may not know the results till next week, though.

The racy heart and upset stomach are coming and going. I had a fairly decent day yesterday and went to bed relatively calm. I never needed a chill pill. But then I awoke 5 hours into my sleep with a racing heart and upset stomach. I battled that on and off for a while and then dozed on and off till 3am when I woke up again with a racy heart. Since then it’s been an on-and-off thing. I don’t want to chill pill it if I can help it because I don’t want to feel drowsy.

wipes tears of frustration from eyes I just want to get back to myself and feel like my old self again!!! At first I thought it was anxiety, but now I’m leaning toward the medication. After the biopsy was completed and the test results were good, the anxiety went on and again and I still say it’s not like me to be anxious without a good reason. Even when I last had reason to be anxious I don’t remember feeling this ill this often. I know that stress and anxiety aren’t quite the same thing, but still, I know myself, too. I can be pissed and even moody when things are going well, but sad, mad, scared, anxious or suicidal usually needs a damn good reason.

I hope it is just a case of the medication needing adjusting because that would be simple and the quickest, easiest thing to deal with. Since there’s nothing physiologically wrong with me that could cause this and if it’s not the meds, that could only leave something deep and dark harboring in my subconscious that’s triggering this. If it’s me causing this and if this is coming from my head, then this is a new thing for me. I’ve had my so-called blocks and complexes the same as anyone else, but this is a bit large scale for me. I just can’t imagine what could be going on in my subconscious to make me feel like this. Our savings is low, our garbage disposal is busted, but life is otherwise fine.

But what do I do if it turns out it’s not the meds? I guess I get on a more permanent chill pill for a while and maybe even return to the counselor. I just want to figure it out – whatever it is – so I can fix it! If it’s wearing my favorite color… fine, I’ll stop wearing it!

WEDNESDAY, JULY 30, 2014 Unless she didn’t get my message, my endo doc has completely blown me off. Also, I’m now starting to think, no matter what my PCP doc and Tom think, that levothyroxine is responsible for the anxiety attacks and racing heart. Sure I’ve had some anxiety. Who wouldn’t that felt like shit? But THIS degree of anxiety when things are going well? It’s just not like me. There’s nothing out of the ordinary going on in my life right now that goes beyond the normal everyday ups and downs.

Yesterday the raciness and anxiety came and went in waves. I finally had to take a chill pill at the end of my day. I slept a whopping 10 hours and did NOT want to get up and face another day of feeling like shit. Then an idea hit me. Food blocks the absorption of the levothyroxine and that’s why we’re told to wait a half-hour, or even an hour before we eat or have coffee. I took the pill and then had a smoothie and my coffee right away, and… nothing. All has been just fine and that was 3 hours ago. Each day I will wait 5 minutes longer before I have my coffee and we’ll see what happens.

It’s kind of sad that I have to be the one to diagnose myself and it’s also a reminder that most doctors don’t seem to know what they’re doing, but I really, really suspect one of my medications is doing this to me. Not some sudden kick-ass “anxiety trip” when life is going well.

At least Tom and I got to spend a week in Waikiki in my dreams last night! My dentist was in one of the dreams too, but I’m not sure what it was about. The night before last I had this dream I had to move a long strip of carpet that was wet on the ends. I don’t know where I was moving it to or how I could’ve possibly carried it. The thing was about 10’ wide and 100’ long.

Later…

I’m still not sure just what Aly wants. She speaks of missing me in her blog and how she doesn’t comment on mine because that’d be totally unwanted, yet she hasn’t responded to my feedback on my-diary. I guess it’s still probably for the better that I stay away from her and the trolls. I mean, I’ll talk to her if she wants to talk, but it’s looking like she’d rather not so I’m not going to reach out to her any more than I already have.

Years ago I may’ve written about the pictures. Not the pretty pics I collect these days of nature and animals that I plaster throughout various blogs and other accounts of mine, but the celebrity pics. As in Charlie’s Angels, Linda Ronstadt and Gloria Estefan.

For years I tried to convince myself that my ability to communicate to them and for the pictures to be able to see, hear and understand me was just my crazy mind high on wishful thinking. But I never really believed that. We can’t exactly lie to ourselves. We can lie to and fool others, but the one person that’s hard as hell to deceive is ourselves. At least I totally believe that.

But it wasn’t them. The entity or ghost or being or whatever you want to call it that “dwelled” in Kate’s pic was not Kate herself. Kate’s pic was just the host. Just the pretty packaging that housed a spirit of God knows what kind. I don’t know the hows and whys, I just know the whats, if that makes any sense. Someone or something “took over” those photos. Something with a full-blown sense of awareness. It couldn’t physically reach out and touch me like Tom can reach out and touch me. I couldn’t hear its voice like I can hear his voice. I never saw any movement within the pictures; they didn’t blink their eyes or anything like that. I never smelled anything unusual, nor did I feel anything. Meaning that when I touched the pictures they felt like what they should feel like – paper.

To this day I really, really find it hard to believe that I simply “brought these pictures to life” and simply imagined an existence within just for fun or because of the hardships I endured as a kid. The people in the pictures were always making eye contact with the camera, and I can’t imagine being able to do this with just any picture, especially someone I know. I know that sounds absolutely insane, but it’s like with my other psychic abilities or whatever you want to call them; an acute sense of knowing. I just knew they were aware of me and what I was saying and doing.

But how??? Was it some kind of power coming from me? Something else? They were “unique,” too. Meaning that each one was their own person/personality/identity, but if I got a copy of the same picture later on, it would be like “meeting” a stranger. They wouldn’t have the same memories as the other copy. I know it sounds totally ludicrous, but that’s the way it worked.

I don’t know what the hell the presence was that dwelled within the images, but whatever it was so strong I could kind of sense it even if I’d take the pictures down (I usually had them taped on the wall).

Eight years or so after getting the first of the pictures, I wanted more privacy, so to speak, as I got older, and ditched them all. The first round of pics only contained those of Kate and Linda since Gloria wasn’t famous yet.

About 4 or 5 years later in my early to mid-20s, I had pictures again, mostly Gloria’s. My mom was the one who ended that collection. Most of it anyway. Dad drove most of my stuff down to their place in Florida to be shipped to me in Arizona and those never arrived. I was surprised either.

So until I kick this anxiety, regardless of what’s causing it, I printed out an old Gloria pic that was one of my faves so I feel less alone when Tom’s not home. Has it helped? Yeah, I think it has. But we only “talk” when he’s not home. No, it’s not that Tom would freak out and drag me to the local funny farm. It’s just that when he’s here he’s all I need. I mean, I could talk to the rats, but they don’t know what I’m saying. Whatever’s “powering” this photo with knowledge and awareness does.

TUESDAY, JULY 29, 2014 Sometimes I still miss Aly. She had so much more good in her than bad that letting go isn't always very easy. I’d say I only let go about 75%. Letting go 100% may be what’s best, but it’s not what’s easiest.

I miss her creative, intelligent side. We had a ton of stuff in common from writing to languages and a lot more. I realize there are many worse things to lie about than who we’re friends with, as she knows she did, and that lying about this doesn’t automatically mean she can lie about bigger things, but that’s basically what I had a problem with. I know she has a right to pick and choose her own friends and that the reason she lied to me about them was that I knew I wouldn’t approve. They’ve stalked us both in the past and well, I worried they would push her to dump her and then stalk and harass her all over again. I also know that I can’t expect to babysit her either. She’s a big girl and she’s got to look out for herself. If being friends with them again turns out to be a mistake, it's her mistake to make, isn’t it?

Between the 3 of them, they haven’t caused me any harm, but they did cause me a lot of grief, and I don’t know how involved she may’ve been in some pranks that were pulled on me a while back, one in which nearly caused me to blame and dump an innocent friend. There are also the things she seemed to know that she shouldn’t have known, but had the know-how to figure out, if that makes any sense. Back when I wasn’t completely innocent myself and would pull some pranks, somebody somewhere knew damn well it was me when they shouldn’t have. I don’t want to accuse anyone of hacking into sites that may not have done so, but they KNEW. Come on, I wasn’t nearly that obvious and I don’t care how smart she or anyone else may be. Someone had to have some sort of advanced tracking or hacking system. What about the time Kathy and I anonymously played with Molly on the old MyOpera? The anonymous person then suddenly said, “You now have two people playing with you. Shall I contact you to let you know what’s going on?”

Ok, so HOW did they know it when Kathy started in??? And if they did hack sites like MO and Ask, how did they do it and remain undetected? Could someone have been hacking our individual IP accounts to see where we’d been??? I just don’t get it. All I know is that whoever it was, they knew it was me when I was alone, and they knew two people were ranking on Molly once Kathy joined in.

Afterward, I felt bad about it no matter who knew what, for I was just as bad as the trolls themselves by stooping to their level. I vowed never to repeat my behavior. I may look in on some people from time to time, but I remain silent. Drama breeds drama, so I know good and well that if I make a nasty comment to someone instead of holding my tongue, karma will just bite me in the ass for it. It’s not worth it. Besides, I don’t hate Molly. I hate what she did to me long ago, but I don’t hate her. Never thought I’d say this but it does seem that she’s improved over time. She doesn’t look in on my blogs very often. I don’t know how she’d react if she were dumped, but she hasn’t been a problem in quite a while now. Little concerned, though, why her mother would care to look in on me.

Sometimes I wish I was one of those who could suffer in silence, but what good would that do me to suppress my problems? The only way to get help is to let others know, not to mention the fact that writing about them is very therapeutic. I just don’t want to bring others down with me or make them think I’m out for attention. Then again, if I have, then they obviously don’t know me well, and well, that’s their problem. Not mine.

Still… this whole thing with the anxiety has been making me feel both courageous and weak if that makes any sense.

MONDAY, JULY 28, 2014 I’ve had a really shitty night. And scary, too. I’ve considered myself agnostic for the longest time, but now I’m swinging more towards being an atheist. What sane, loving God wouldn’t care to help one in such a shitty situation? Yet I was totally on my own. Tom did what he could, but I’ve come to realize more so than ever that the notion of this loving God we can run to for help is pure and utter bullshit. Just a fantasy too many people fall for. I don’t doubt that those “answered” prayers would’ve happened anyway. It just pisses the shit out of me that whether or not there’s a God that’s hated me since I was a baby or absolutely no God at all, this is what I get for trying to be a decent, honest person in life. One problem after another.

Tom said he can’t speak for before we met, but he insists there’s nothing up there that’s got it in for me. Nothing at all. Well, I sure feel like I’m being picked on, alright, and all my requests for help have gone ignored. It’s going to be 100% up to me to figure it out.

sighs So what can I do? I guess all I can do is acknowledge and accept that there’s nothing up there, and that if there is, it doesn’t give a shit about me. My childhood has proven that so why would things change now? I’m nothing in any possible God’s eyes and only the doctors, my husband and myself can help me pull through these random anxiety attacks that seem to jump out and hit me out of nowhere.

Right now I’m too tired to get into many details, but I’ll just say it hit me during my bike ride for the first time ever. When working out my heartbeat typically goes to 130, but when I came in it was 161. It was utterly terrifying. sighs again So now I’m afraid to work out. I’m afraid to do anything. As my experience and research have shown there are certain triggers – anger, fear, excitement, physical exertion, etc. I just never know when it’s going to sneak up on me. Sometimes it can hit you when you’re just sitting in a chair or lying down.

Right now I’m too tired to stay up, but not ready for sleep. I’d hate to go in and lay down until I’m sure I can sleep. If I don’t keep my mind on things like writing, reading, watching TV – something – my mind starts to take me places I don’t want to go and my heartbeat quickly follows.

Later…

Still alive after yesterday’s scary 161 that my heart reached when an anxiety attack hit me during a bike ride. It was just horrible. It literally felt like the damn thing was beating in my throat. I lay down and tried my breathing exercises. When that didn’t work I took a lorazepam. Still terrified, I woke Tom up. As much as he insists it’s ok to wake him up when things get that bad, I still feel bad about it. I am, however, greatly appreciative of how he was able to help calm me down along with the lorazepam.

I’m just not sure what to do yet. I don’t want to spend more money on health issues but may have to do if these attacks don’t ebb away in a few weeks or so. I try to keep busy. I don't want to ignore my problems any more than I want to dwell on them. I'm PMSing now, which doesn't help my mood. What's scary is knowing an anxiety attack can hit me anytime, anywhere, no matter what I'm doing, thinking or feeling. Your life doesn’t have to be in shambles to have this, and no, telling yourself to “just smile” and “just look on the bright side,” won’t always work. You can’t consciously make an attack come on or prevent them from coming on. They have a mind of their own. The key is learning to cope with them and it’s been anything but easy. I wondered to Tom the other day why my anxiety wasn’t this physical (though it was still bad enough) when we were going through the hell we went through a few years ago, and he said it was because he was home with me back then. That’s true, he was. Now he’s working full-time, as usual.

For now, I just try to keep my mind occupied on things like writing, working and doing stuff around the house. If I don't, every horrible "what if" will go through my mind and drive me crazy, along with wondering if my heart seems faster than it was just minutes ago. That’s another thing I asked Tom – how come my heart didn’t go ballistic in any abnormal way when I nearly ran into that skunk that night when I was on foot? He said I wasn’t obsessed with my heartbeat like I am now. Yeah, he’s probably right, LOL, as usual. Oh, I was startled, mind you, and my heartbeat did speed up. But once I put a safe distance between the skunk and I and saw it wasn’t going to chase me or anything like that, I calmed down. I didn’t panic and feel like I may pass out and like the world was going to end and I was drowning in quicksand or anything extraordinary like that.

Right now I feel a bit anxious and down, but nothing too serious. My endo doc asked me questions I thought I already answered when she was away, so I explained the situation a little more clearly to her.

Right now I'm worried more for Tammy. The disease has spread to her muscles, nerves and organs. They’re doing a CAT scan to check her organs and an extensive breathing test, but I don’t know if there’s much more they could do for her even if she quit smoking right now.

SUNDAY, JULY 27, 2014 Two days ago was a great day, but yesterday I had intermittent spells of a racy heart and finally caved in and took a lorazepam. It made me a bit drowsy but I felt better. The whole thing really sucks shit big time. I never know when it's going to hit. Not sure if I should continue on with it as needed, see about something you take daily (after what happened with the Navane, I don't want to get addicted and be no better than one who turns to drugs and alcohol) or see the therapist again. I don't want to have to spend money on doctors and therapists that could be going to other things - things we want, things we need, savings…

But then I got up today and an hour later my heart raced up to 125. The only good thing is that it didn’t last long this time before it quickly dropped to 99. Still, I decided a second opinion was in order. A PCP doctor is one thing, but a specialist is another. So I emailed my endo doc, told her I have a racy heart on and off and an upset stomach, and asked if my dose should be lowered or not. I also told her that my PCP suspected it could be anxiety.

I don't doubt that there may be some anxiety hanging over me, but I can tell you one thing for sure – no amount of weight loss is worth this yucky feeling. I feel just great right now, but how will I feel in an hour from now? Or in 5 hours from now? How about tomorrow? That’s what’s making it tough to live with; the never knowing. Tom thinks I’m just super hyperaware right now and that there’s something going on in my head that’s triggering these attacks. But WHAT???

He doesn’t know for sure but thinks that maybe my subconscious is still afraid of pills after the OD, or maybe our 1-year anniversary here triggered it. Well, I definitely feared something would hit me with a slew of health issues once we got in here and were better off financially. He wonders if maybe I was stressed out in the back of my mind since the few good neighbors we’ve had seem to move or go bad within a year. But they haven’t, as I told Tom, and he said, “IDK, maybe your mind manifested something bad happening anyway. You have this thing with anniversaries.”

The 25th marked 7 years in Cali and nothing bad happened that day, though, I told him, and he laughed and said, “Well, every day is an anniversary of something.”

True. Today marks the 33rd anniversary of my 5-month stay at the Brattleboro Retreat in Vermont. I was just 15 years old and my mother was about the age I am now when she one day up and threw me away because the “experts” said it’d be great for me. Yeah, well, Brattleboro wasn’t as bad as Valleyhead, but it was plenty bad enough. They doped me up and made me feel like a real prisoner. Being myself was a definite no-no no matter how harmless it may’ve been, and in the event that I did self-harm, it was because the adults in my world were crazier than I was and they drove me to it! As even Dana said, “Sometimes one of the scariest things to growing up is realizing you were ok after all and it’s the rest of the world that’s crazy.”

For now, I love that I can email my doctors at any time of night and day and know that I'll get an answer in 24 hours or less. No having to stay up or get up to make a phone call to a nurse who has to patch the message through and then get back to me. I will base my next decision on what she has to say. If she too, says it’s not the pills, then I guess it’s back to Dana unless I can learn to manage when my heart goes boom, boom, boom on my own.

SATURDAY, JULY 26, 2014 Aly ignored my question about what she was looking for in my journal but didn’t visit it today. If it was her, and I think it was. She also ignored the earlier question I asked, asking if she preferred Windows or Mac, and what her favorite browser is. Amazing that she just magically knew it was me. But how could she hack Ask and remain undetected? Or MyOpera back when I was playing with Molly? She’s gotta have an advanced way of tracking people I don’t know about. I asked a little test question; if she preferred chocolate or caramel, so we’ll see.

Found Aly and Molly’s diaries on MD. I couldn’t help but laugh at how Aly said she liked the anonymity she has there. Little does she know! But I’ll let her keep thinking she’s anonymous, so she can “really be honest about how she feels.” There’s no real need to tell her anyway, but you know what? I’m starting to see more of the trolls in her than I used to see. Enough is never enough. It’s like she’s never satisfied with the amount of attention she gets no matter how willing one is to give it to her. But as I also learned, she likes to feel needed (is in by people like Kim and Molly). Was that it? Was I not as appealing as a friend not so much because I wasn’t as crazy, but because I wasn’t needy?

She also brought up, without mentioning my name, how I said she must have low self-esteem to want to buddy up to the likes of Kim and Molly, and wondered if there could be a grain of truth to that. She said it’s not like they’re doing anything illegal, they’re just mentally challenged. Stalking us like they have in the past isn’t illegal? Well, it is, but unfortunately the Internet doesn’t recognize this in the way they do when people stalk people in person by peeking in their windows and following them around town and things like that.

She hinted at missing me since she feels most people won’t want to read her blog wherever she blogs. A part of me misses her too, but there’s just no trust there anymore.

Later…

Yesterday marks 7 years in California and just over a decade since we left Arizona. Leaving Arizona was definitely the right thing to do, but I’m not sure California was such a wise idea mostly due to how expensive it is here. I wasn’t kidding when I said Tom made great money, but it really is rather average for this state. It is more important to us to be able to pay for the necessities than it is to save, especially after all we’ve been through. Saving is still nice, though. It’s just not as easy in this place because now we have a mortgage and car payments on top of the space rent. Once that’s paid off our expenses will then be lower than what they were in the trailer. Kind of. We do have to pay for our own electricity here.

There’s a house going for 161k in another section of the park. I guess the economy really is picking up. I just wish we could magically make all our plants and trees disappear and be replaced with white gravel or something. There are just way too many plants and trees for such a small lot. But we don’t have that kind of money (it would probably cost more than our carpet) and it’s not a high priority.

Right now we STILL have to finish the painting and get a living room set. I’d also like to do something about the kitchen’s drop ceiling. It looks hideous. I don’t know yet, though, if we’re going to replace it with acoustic tiles with recessed lighting, or just replace the flimsy opaque panels.

Anyway, I was blissfully unaware of my heartbeat yesterday and in a fine mood. I felt the most like my old self. I ended up being up for 19 hours and considered taking lorazepam, but then I finally fell asleep. I slept fairly solid for 7 hours. The first few hours of my day, however, I felt jittery, anxious, iffy stomach-wise, and a touch tired and depressed. Now I’m fine, though, and my heartbeat is under 100 where I prefer it to be unless I’m working out. I don’t know why, but there’s something scary about a racing heart. It’s not like when my earaches. When my ear aches there’s nothing scary about it. It’s annoying, frustrating and uncomfortable, but it’s not at all scary. When that ticker starts taking off on a run, though, it’s just the yuckiest feeling. Not as bad as feeling like you’re going to puke, but still bad. I can’t believe things got so bad for a while there that I didn’t want to be left alone that day. What was I the last time I was afraid to be alone, 12 years old?

So much for quitting coffee. I got some instant Suisse Mocha for when I get up. It’s so-so.

Just noticed I had a Harlingen visitor on Blogger around the same time I had one on Prosebox. The fact that they’re not showing up on TIP proves it’s from Molly’s residence, probably her mother since she appeared to be in Austin at the time, according to her blog. sighs So she’s STILL looking in on me, too? She was only in for a second as she was no doubt bounced out by the blocker, but how did she find my Prosebox account? Did Aly give her the link? It’s hard to believe she’d give her the link and not Molly. If Molly knew about it, though, wouldn’t she go there like she goes to every other blog she’s aware of?

Molly did mention going home in August. Mommy Dearest went through a handful of entries much like Molly would, which is part of why I thought it was her, spending less than a minute on most posts. She was obviously searching for something, no doubt her darling daughter’s name.

FRIDAY, JULY 25, 2014 Tom and I were laughing after I saw my primary care doc because I’m still not used to having a metabolism that actually works. When I got up I saw I was up a pound and figured it’d register on their scale when they weighed me. I don’t eat much my first couple of hours so I went straight to the appointment with nothing but coffee in me. To my surprise, I was back down a pound. I forget that these days if I don’t eat for a few hours, my body will really lose weight and not hold onto it forever, LOL.

The weekend’s almost here, though, and it’s going anywhere but down because I intend to enjoy all kinds of treats. :) Because I’m no longer in the obese range I don’t see any reason to really step up the action to losing those remaining 20 pounds. But never is a long time and so I’m not going to say I never will. Maybe I’ll be motivated to do so in the future. At least I now have that choice! :)

Getting that suture removed didn’t tickle. It was like having your hair pulled. We picked up the ointment she called in for me after seeing the counselor. We picked it up at Sam’s and decided to eat there, too. He got a hot dog and I got a couple of slices of pizza which I nearly finished that’s how famished I was by then.

Traffic was an absolute nightmare coming back from the doctor, but not too bad coming home today. Got hung up by the usual creepers, of course.

For a while, after we got home I felt so tired that I wondered if I’d actually end up taking a nap, but I didn’t. I laid down a while and then I went out riding. I realize I’m probably going faster than I thought at some point, like maybe 15 MPH. I don’t ride leisurely. I go as fast as traffic, people and the speed bumps will allow so as to get a good workout.

After my workout I drank some water at my desk for a short time, then I hit the shower. When I got out I found my heart raced up to 115 and I’m still not sure why it does that at times. I have nothing to be anxious about at the moment. I’m appointment-free for the next month! I wonder if it could still be the meds, but IDK. I just know that living with the possibility of one of these heart-pounding attacks hitting me, anxiety, meds or not, is a tough thing to live with. The thought of it makes me want to cry. It’s a truly yucky feeling and I hope this won’t be a new trend for me – these unbelievably physical, horrible, scary attacks – even if it’s only once in a while.

Had a dream I walked into Tammy's kitchen to find her struggling to clean the floor, so I quickly offered to help. I then thought to myself that I’d offer to clean her place whenever I could for $15. LOL, I’d want twice that much in real life.

Later…

After 45 days of doing surveys, I finally have the money for my next fun item, an erotic wall statue made of resin. “Rachel’s” a bit expensive, but I think she’ll be worth it and look good on the bathroom wall. My next goal, a silver toe ring with black footprints for my left foot, will take just a couple of days to earn. I love Amazon!

Lost another pound and am now down to 145 even though I’m not trying to lose weight right now and am mostly focused on achieving better peace of mind. I’m still following my usual habits – treats on the weekends, a comfy 1500 calories or so during the week. Plus I ride my bike around the park for 20 minutes most days.

I slept surprisingly horribly yesterday. I thought I’d sleep great since I don’t have to deal with alarms, appointments, deadlines and that extra stress on me, but nope. I stupidly left the volume on the sound machine a bit low and so a loud vehicle woke me up shortly after I crashed. I was just knocking back off after lying there a while when loud traffic woke me up again. So I upped the volume and threw in an earplug till the aroma of Tom’s food woke me up for good.

If there’s one thing and one thing only I could change about this park it would be to get rid of that damn road in back! Or to at least close it while I was sleeping.

I had sad dreams along the way, but I only remember one where I was in tears and said to Tom, “Doesn’t it sadden you to know we can never experience weather ever again like they have in California and Arizona, and now not even Florida?”

In real life, I couldn’t care less about Arizona, but it was like we were trapped somewhere, though I don’t know where. New England?

I discussed what happened down in Arizona with Dana so that may’ve triggered that “hopelessly stuck” dream. She asked if I was curious enough to look up whether or not my parents really did lose custody of me or if they gave me up. I told her that when I was younger I was curious, but now I don’t care. It’s done and over with, whatever really happened. I’m still guessing they lost me. It was much harder to lose your kid in the '80s since more people tended to look the other way, but after a while, things will catch up to you if you’re a shitty enough mother. It’s just too bad that while I had to pay dearly for something I never wrote (even Dana agreed the whole thing was insane even if I’d been guilty since I never did anything) my mother got away with child abuse.

On the bright side, I’ve been anxiety-free so far today and I hope it stays that way. I realize that only I can help myself with that. For me, there are no magical Gods, fairies, or angels. Just me, not that I don’t appreciate my husband and doctor’s help. Still, there’s only so much they can do. The rest is up to me. It’s like with quitting smoking. People can tell you all the time why you should quit, but only you can do the quitting.

Starting to think my Nebraska visitor isn’t Aly after all. Not unless she created a whole new account just to show up on my tracker from Prosebox which makes no sense when she could just go to Blogger. As a test, I asked her on Ask what she’s looking for in my journal but she hasn’t answered. Either way, her looking in on me, if it is her, isn’t going to kill me. I went to her blog, realizing that she probably didn’t code the entries themselves and she didn’t. No mention of me either.

I’m really surprised she and her trolls haven’t contacted me on Ask, and I’m also surprised Molly doesn’t peek in on me more often. That probably won’t change till the next time Aly dumps her.

THURSDAY, JULY 24, 2014 When I got up this morning I noticed Aly once again peeked in on my Prosebox account. But why? And why only that blog? I would think she’d want to remain hidden from my tracker no matter what blog she went to that she knew I could track, but why is she looking in on me when she told me before she didn’t read my journal because it was “better that way?” Was that a lie, too? I still can’t imagine her stalking me like Kim and Molly have, but I guess only time will tell. She shouldn’t be interested in me at all. Period. We’re done with each other, so what I have to say shouldn’t concern her any more than it should concern the other two. Just maybe she really didn’t give the others the link, though. Kim, I wouldn’t know because she likes to fly under radar, but I would think that Molly would’ve visited that blog if she had the link.

For now, I blocked Aly’s IP on Blogger and made my current Prosebox journal members only after blocking her old account there. I’m not updating my-diary right now and LiveJournal is still private.

Later…

It would be really nice if Alison could stop peeking in my Prosebox account. Just what is she looking for anyway? I made it clear that I can no longer trust her with the lies I’ve caught her in, the games she’s been a part of playing that nearly cost me a good friend, and the sites I suspect she’s hacked. She made it clear that it’s “refreshing” not to have me in her life. After all, I’m not crazy, I never told her I wished her cancer would kill her, and I don’t go around impersonating her or two-facing her at times either. Therefore, I’m not the type of person she prefers to have as a friend and she shouldn’t be interested in what’s going on in my life any more than her two online besties should be. I’m not interested in her stuff and she shouldn’t be interested in mine.

You know, the more I step back and look at Alison as a whole and not just her intelligent and creative side, I see a lot of similarities between her and the nutjobs she prefers as friends. Just like them, she is selfish and enough is never enough. No matter how much attention you give the 3 of them, they always demand more or claim to feel ignored and unsupported. What more do these people expect? Well, whatever it is, they’re not getting it from me, they’re never going to get it from me, so they might as well move on and keep their nose out of my business.

I temporarily made my Prosebox books members only and blocked her IP on Blogger, but I’m sure she’ll find a way around it. This is someone who’s a helluva lot more computer savvy than I am. If she can hack, she can change IPs or toss her cookies. She can always have others read my shit to her if need be, too.

Later…

So I met with Dana and she was very understanding. I guess they’re trained to be that way, as well as open-minded.

We managed to cover a lot of topics during the hour we spoke. I told her a little about the places I’ve lived, some current and past friends, some family members both dead and alive, being framed in Arizona by a bunch of lazy, vindictive white haters, the poverty trips that nearly killed us, and then my current health issues, including the accidental OD and anxiety attacks that followed.

We discussed my type of sleep disorder, which she’s heard of, and how offended I was to have some people call me a liar and an excuse queen that should have not only known me better than that, but what it was like to be judged themselves and how shitty it can make you feel to be accused, for example, of choosing to be ill or choosing to be gay when you know damn well that’s utter bullshit.

As we both know, though, someone is always going to be quick to judge or condemn us no matter what it is we say or do. I’m sure there are some people who would gladly call me a liar just for insisting my favorite color is pink, and others will say the only reason I didn’t do this journal entry earlier was that I was either lazy or had some deep dark psychological fear blocking me, no matter what reason I gave them for not doing it until now. But if you’re my friend you should know me better!

But what others believe isn’t what’s most important now. I’d gladly have tons of insensitive and cruel people critiquing and laughing every single day at my fears, phobias, doubts, worries and lifestyle before I had one anxiety attack a week. Even being angry was heaven compared to being anxious, fearful or depressed.

Just like I didn’t want the anger eating me up every day or to become too forgiving once again and had to work through that to improve in those areas, I now need to work on living in the moment. These days my PTSD stems more from the fear of poverty touching us to the degree that it did a few years ago, as well as all those nasty what-ifs. Not what my mother did or what the welfare bums and their corrupt ex-pig pal did. Today it’s all about fear of eventually losing the house or something really bad happening to Tom. I need to live in the present. Tom didn’t get into a car accident today that left him in the hospital or dead, so there’s no need to worry about or think of that. Our savings is low due to all the home improvements and needing a new car, but we have enough money to pay for the essentials, so there’s no need to worry about losing the house right now either.

She recommended I look up precognitive therapy online and I did. It helps refocus the mind on the here and now. Tonight. What am I going to do tonight? I’m going to wait till the temperature drops 10 more degrees and then I’m going to go out on my bike.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 23, 2014 Great news! The biopsy came back negative! No cancer, abnormal cells or growth or anything infectious bacterially or virally speaking. I do have enlarged hair follicles down there and it’s become a bit fibrosis in nature, but that’s normal for a lot of women. As a former exotic dancer, I wonder if it’s from all the years of having to shave. LOL, I told her this too, and she said it could be. Better – uhem – trim with scissors than razors.

Meanwhile, my doctor is sooo nice! Just so, so nice. Best doctor (and best looking) I’ve had in forever, but then again it’s been forever since I saw them regularly before this year. She’s very kind, patient and understanding. The kind I’d want for a friend if she weren’t my doctor. She knows writing and languages are my specialty, so I told her that if she ever needs a writer she can let me know. :)

Meanwhile, to back up a bit, I slept so long and well yesterday that I was up all night as expected. I took a Benadryl at 6am to help me sleep since I hadn’t taken anything in weeks. I began to read and then 15 minutes later my heart started galloping and that woozy feeling came over me, and I was like, oh no! I’m NOT going to take this shit now. I need to get to sleep. So I did the breathing exercises I read up on and it slowed my heartbeat down enough so I could get to sleep. Woke up a zillion times before getting up shortly before 2pm, but I’m not as tired as I was the first couple of hours. I should crash earlier tonight easily enough, then I see the counselor at 5pm, then believe it or not, that’s it till January! All I’ll have to deal with between now and then is the dentist, endo and eye docs. I don’t think I’ll reschedule the ultrasound at this point and I may cancel the hearing tests, too. Especially since we have to pay for those. I work at home. We don’t need to make sure I can hear the landscapers well enough.

The doctor said it was a good thing that I recognized the anxiety attack coming on (no doubt nervous about today’s appointment) and could get myself to relax. These attacks are a bit scary, though, because they’ve gotten more physical than I’m used to. I’ve always been an anxious type of person who doesn’t hold up well under stress when something’s going on, even if it’s not that big of a deal like today’s appointment. But this has a bit of a new twist to it. Anxiety has always upset my stomach. But this pounding heart and dizziness are more extreme than I remember it to be.

The doctor, who told me she thought I looked beautiful after I asked if I appeared that heavy, and said she often wished she was as short as me (blushes), said I was no longer obese and am now just 21 pounds overweight. I guess obesity is a BMI of 30 or higher. I think I was between 30-32. Anyway, I’m now 28 and should be 25. I’m not worried about it right now, though. If I get there, fine. In the meantime, I really like my weekend treats!

With the exception of the OD, it’s amazing how much better a tiny little pill can make you feel. A dead thyroid throws everything off. Everything. Not just your weight and metabolism. Still, it’s amazing that I can once again drink a simple little cup of coffee and not gain a pound that hangs on for dear life unlike before. A sure sign that something was wrong. After all, most days I don’t stuff myself and I do keep pretty active.

I just wish things were going as well for Tom and Tammy. Tom and I were going to grab something to eat on the way home (the downside to having a working metabolism again is that I’m hungrier during non-PMS times). However, he started feeling dizzy so we came straight home. He thinks his ear may still be clogged up so we dumped more alcohol and peroxide in it. I think we stopped those treatments too soon, which has always helped him in the past.

One of my absolute biggest fears in life is Tom suffering any serious diseases or illnesses. If one of us absolutely must suffer and must have issues, I’d rather it be me, of course. I’m sure we all feel that way when it comes down to ourselves or the ones we love. My condition isn’t “serious” as long as I take my medicine. If I stop, then yeah, it would eventually kill me. Or some other complication caused by the disease itself would.

As much as doctors are a pain in the ass, hotties or not, and as much as the co-payments add up, it’s nice to have finally gotten everything dealt with and taken care of so I won’t have to die of a coma, heart attack or stroke, and keep on wondering if I’m infected down there. I’m glad I’ve established doctors for my issues and that if anything were to go wrong, I’ve got someone I can call and we wouldn’t have to hunt for who to call and then get set up with them and all that. California’s expensive and NorCal gets cold in the winter, but if I were suddenly moving to a nice toasty warm tropical climate, I don’t know that I’d like having to give up these doctors to hunt for new ones. Well, I won’t have to cross that bridge for many years to come, if I ever do.

Tammy has, though. She’s still getting established with new doctors in Florida and is doing terribly. The heat and humidity are getting to her and she’s been nauseous and having lots of trouble breathing. She’ll be seeing a pulmonologist on Friday. Damn, I wish that girl could just quit smoking!

TUESDAY, JULY 22, 2014 Built my first practice app of a kitty that purrs when you touch its picture. It’s too bad Tom had to walk me through the tutorial, but what’s most important is that I learn as opposed to how I learn.

Andy surprised me with a VM last night letting me know he loves me. How sweet. As I told him and Tammy, that number will be no good in the fall. I’m not going to renew the MagicJack. Too many problems with it and not worth it since we have smartphones. Best phone I ever had! Meanwhile, the MJ phone, which has no actual phone, hooked up to it right now, is a convenient way to pick up messages online until it expires.

Went bike riding yesterday evening. It was my first time around the perimeters since the OD, and it was great. The temperature and lighting were perfect. There was still enough light to see well enough yet late enough to be free of traffic. I feel such a sense of freedom and so carefree when I’m flying through the park on my bike. Don’t know if I’ll go out tonight, though, since we went swimming earlier.

The pool was chilly. I miss those triple-digit temps. They’ll be back at the end of the week. We went in the Jacuzzi, then I let myself heat up in the sun and get a little more color before jumping in the pool.

Unfortunately, I slept till 2pm, so I’m hoping I’m not up too late this morning. I want to get at least 6 hours of sleep before my appointment at 4:30. I’ll be learning the results of the biopsy and finding out my options. Then I see the counselor tomorrow at 5:00. I just want all these appointments to slow down! I’d really, REALLY like a couple of weeks off.

Had a dream I was at Valleyhead again and my parents were still alive. I hate those dreams but they could be worse. Anyway, I don’t know if I had just graduated or if it was vacation time, but it occurred to me that I had to call my parents to come and pick me up. It was getting late in the day and I knew they might not be able to get me that day since they were over an hour away. I had no way to call them and so I asked some guy who had come to pick someone up if I could use his cell phone. He refused and acted as if I’d asked for 100 bucks. The dream ended with me being bummed at the thought of having to stay another day or more until I could get my parents to pick me up.

In the other dream I remember, my brother was alive again. He and Tammy were together somewhere when he called me and asked me to boost Tammy's confidence by telling her that our mother really did love her and all that. I didn’t want to lie to her, though, since our mother’s treatment of us said otherwise, and for some reason, Tom seemed highly annoyed by my not telling Tammy what Larry wanted me to tell her. In reality, of course, Tom would want me to say whatever I felt was best to say.

MONDAY, JULY 21, 2014 Alone in the night while Tom is asleep I try not to think of all those “what ifs” that could go wrong in life. It is truly depressing if I do. What if Tom were suddenly diagnosed with something terminal? What if the cops came to this door saying he’d been killed in a car accident? What if circumstances beyond our control once again force us into poverty and we lose our place? What if, what if, what if?!

Trying to switch my mind off isn’t always very easy. I don’t suppose the counselor I’ll be seeing eventually will have any magic words for me, but maybe she can suggest something I haven’t already thought of.

I’m worried about my biopsy results, though I know that logically there’s really nothing to worry about.

It isn’t so much all the health issues that are getting to me so much as all the damn appointments. I have one curable and two treatable health conditions, so it’s not like there are a dozen or more conditions I’m juggling. It’s just that I have to go to the ear doctor, then the eye doctor, then the dentist, then the GP, then the counselor, and it just never seems to end. It gives me comfort in knowing no one’s forcing me to deal with any of this shit. I can stop it anytime I want. But what good would that do me? Huh? What good would it do me?

Later…

Scheduled a late afternoon appointment on Thursday with a therapist named Dana. It’s cool how we can see pictures of doctors, dentists and therapists and other people online before we meet them so we know what they’re going to look like. Not that it matters, but she’s rather ordinary-looking. Blond, 40s, slim.

My day is just as ordinary, but ordinary can be a good thing, right? I’m going about my usual routine and once the sun sets I’ll go out on my bike.

Amazingly enough, I’m still ahead of schedule sleep-wise. It’s like it’s not rolling as fast, so we’ve noticed. Tom thinks it’s age. This is good and bad when you think about it. It’s good because it’s more stable, but bad if I suddenly have to flip my schedule for some reason.

Later…

Aly and I still have mutual friends? Really? WHAT mutual friends??? I was on Facebook when I typed in the name of someone whose name starts off similar to hers in the search area. Sometimes it’s quicker to get to a person’s wall this way, only I accidentally landed on hers. I could see old posts of mine, which she has set to friends of friends. When I logged out and peeked in through Tom’s account I couldn’t see them. I searched my friend list, but it’s showing no mutual friends at all.

It kinda sucks to know that she was probably friends with Kim and Molly on Facebook before I deleted her and they were seeing everything I posted. Everything. Including my friends’ activity. That’s probably why she always used to keep her friend list hidden. Mine is hidden too, but that’s to protect them from any potential troublemakers. I’ve also alerted them to the possibility of them coming around, though there haven’t been any problems yet, so I’m not too worried about it.

Aly may not be the most honest person, but she never struck me as the type to stalk, bully or harass others. I mean, yes, we played a few jokes on the trolls way back when, but I mean stalking to the degree the others have. She’s just not the kind to contact or follow anyone who makes it clear they want nothing to do with her. And I don’t!

So then how do we have mutual friends? I’m not a friend of any of her friends. I never will be either. They’re all batshit crazy. Perhaps the only reason I could see them is that I’m the one who posted them, after all.

SUNDAY, JULY 20, 2014 We are experiencing some super weird weather today. Had someone told me yesterday, or even this morning, that it would rain this afternoon I would have laughed. But sure enough, it’s very monsoon-ish out there now. No thunder, wind or lightning, but there were clouds and rain. Very, very unusual for this time of year.

Rode a little over a mile before the rain hit and am enjoying a quiet, relaxing Sunday with Tom.

Alison peeked in my Prosebox account a while ago. Wonder if she cursed under her breath just like I did when I last went to her Thoughts blog to find she’d rigged it with tracking, and then when I went to find out Molly had rigged hers too, when I went to try to find out when she would be home so I could be ready to block that town’s current IP. I said to myself, “Watch, now Molly will make it a point to “peek back” as soon as she gets up,” and she did.

Or maybe Alison just didn’t care. I’m not going to care anymore if they peek in on me. I haven’t done anything wrong and I’m not about to run and hide or change accounts like they love to do.

I am curious, though, as to why she peeked in on me and I’m guessing it was to give the link to the trolls. Her only way to check up on me undetected is to disable cookies and go to Blogger since LiveJournal is momentarily private and I’m not updating my-diary. It was a direct jump so I’m guessing she came in either from her own account there or from the link I gave her in an email. She may’ve been curious to see if I was mentioning her, but if she was, the tracker put a damper on that curiosity. I still think she was just getting the link for the trolls, though she wouldn’t have to click through it to copy it. It doesn’t matter. I want nothing to do with the crazy trio. Still, I’ll mention anything I observe (in private), though these observations will be them coming to me and not me going to them.

I did have a Harlingen visitor but it couldn’t have been Molly because she’s definitely still in Austin. This was a few days ago. Unless the link was given to her mother or someone else she knows there, I doubt it was her.

SATURDAY, JULY 19, 2014 I have decided for once and for all that I am going to learn computer programming so I can write apps for Android. It's going to take time and patience, but I figure that if I can learn languages and write books, I can learn to program. I'm already a bit computer savvy and I've got the best teacher in the world… Tom!

We were talking earlier and he was telling me that if he’s wrong in thinking he didn’t get one of those jobs in his department he interviewed for the other day, then that would mean half a year or so of OT, which would mean mad money for a while even if they didn’t give him a raise. Whether he gets it or not, he still doesn’t have as much time as I have and so I’ve finally decided to have him teach me how to write apps and things like that, and then I can watch some tutorials on my own. I’ve always wanted to program but shied away from it because I’m not nearly as good with numbers as I am with words. But I can learn and learn I will! The way to improve on what we’re not good at is to do it, so he gave me a little taste today on Google’s App Inventor in which you’re not coding from scratch. You use their blocks of coding to build this and that, and you can see the changes both on your monitor and your phone. It’s pretty neat.

I suppose it’s possible that the more I delve into it the more confused and frustrated I may get, and well, not everybody can do everything. But I won’t know for sure if I can or not unless I try.

Speaking of codes, I wish Prosebox supported JavaScript and not just HTML. On other sites, I track I can tell where people go and not just that they’ve visited, but on Prosebox I can’t tell where people go. That’s because JS isn’t supported there and I have to use an HTML code, which gives me limited info. I’m hoping the guy adds the kind of CSS editor that the old OD site had.

Later…

This may sound funny, but I think I’m going to give up coffee for a while. For some reason, it just doesn’t appeal to me anymore unless it’s some expensive gourmet cappuccino or something like Starbucks that’s riddled with sugar and calories. There’s always hot chocolate and tea, though it’s a bit warm for any hot beverages of any kind right now.

A few people have asked if I think I know what caused the anxiety attacks I recently had. I know what caused them. They were triggered by my accidentally ODing and by all the appointments I’ve got that never seem to slow down. The ODing was very scary and I just felt overwhelmed with all the health stuff. All pills seemed evil to me for a while there. Even Ibuprofen suddenly seemed evil. I was afraid to take anything for a few days because the incident put a bit of a complex on me. Strangely enough, though, since they did the biopsy I’ve had a lot less itching.

I’m doing much better now, though, and am finding a balance between how much attention and effort I put into dealing with things. It’s one of those cases where you don’t want to avoid dealing with your problems, be it medical issues, anxiety, etc., but you don’t want to dwell on them either. If we focus too much on what’s wrong, we’ll never enjoy what’s right in our lives.

I made up my mind as far as whether or not to reach out to Aly and her crazy friends on Ask after going back and forth and back and forth. Do I consider the good in her and contact her? I asked myself, or do I consider the bad and the potential trouble that could come from the other two and stay away?

I asked Tom his opinion and his was to stay away. Not so much because of what they’ve done wrong, but because I told them to stay away from me. Therefore, it would be wrong of me to go to them after I told them for years to stay away from me. Really, I literally worked for years trying to get them to leave me alone. It took years to get them off my ass. So do I really want them back on it, fair of me or not? I definitely don’t! It seems only inevitable too, that the shit would eventually hit the fan with them again. You just can’t reject people like Kim and Molly without being stalked, pestered, followed and harassed, and it doesn’t go on for weeks or even just months. It goes on for years. No thanks!

Later…

Had a series of dreams last night that was both strange and sad. In one dream we gave 8 baby rats to a place like Goodwill.

In another, we were at a movie theater, a place we’ve had absolutely no desire to visit what with Netflix, Amazon and all the stuff you can watch right in the comfort of home. Never cared for movie theaters. If someone isn’t talking and distracting you, you still can’t pause the movie when you have to pee nor can you rewind a certain part you want to see again.

Anyway, the theater was showing two movies. Tom and I waited in the lobby when this woman came in with her 5 screaming brats. I hoped they weren’t going to be watching the movie we were going to watch. Then another woman starts screaming at her for being rude enough to not only bring her brood but to allow them to carry on like such animals.

As the woman was running scared with her kids and the woman going off on her was being ushered out, Tom pulled a pistol from his pocket and I asked him what he was doing with it. “We’re 75 now. We need this,” he said.

LOL, not that we could ever both be 75 at the same time. He wasn’t the only one packing a piece in my dreams, though.

The sad dream was that I moved into a ground-floor apartment with two bedrooms all by myself. Tammy stayed in the spare bedroom my first night there. Maybe it was in Florida? I don’t know where Tom was or how the rent was being paid but as I lay in bed that night I was very depressed and very annoyed at all the sounds I could hear around me within the building. I heard it all. Every fart, hiccup, cough, sneeze and word uttered.

I got up to use the bathroom and ran into Tammy who gave me a comforting hug and promised to keep me safe. I told her that if she ever needed a place she was welcome to have the other bedroom since I doubted I’d ever have a roommate.

“Don’t worry,” my sister said, “I’ve got you covered. Here, watch this.”

Tammy then pulled a pistol out of her robe pocket and fired at the ceiling where it met the wall.

“Don’t do that!” I said. “What if you shot out their water pipes upstairs or something?”

Tammy just shrugged, laughed and said, “Well, if I did… tough.”

FRIDAY, JULY 18, 2014 Keeping busy and feeling great. :) I circled the block on my bike 5 times in 9 minutes, which totals 1 mile. I still wanted to keep close to home in case I started feeling funny. Also, it was pretty hot out and I don’t need to burn myself anymore either. In a few days, I should be able to stay up late enough to ride around the park perimeters.

Got my online work done, the laundry done, and the grocery list made up, and tomorrow we’ll change the rats’ cage and hit the pool.

I’m just $15 away from my next fun purchase goal, which I would’ve reached a week ago had I not had such a rough time. I can get that in just a couple of days at the very most, so I’m not worried about it.

Those little girls came screaming by at 8pm and then at 9pm last night with mommy and grandma’s mutt. I’m almost positive they do live here and I realized that if their mother is a caretaker (caretakers can live here no matter what their age), then of course her kids could live here, too. Most moms are single these days so it’s easier for them to have such jobs where they live with the person they work for. This would also explain why no one’s complained. I kept wondering how the hell come no one immediately around them put two and two together when I’d already done so from several houses away.

I’m just glad they’re on the other side of the circle. Screaming kids are like nails running down a chalkboard. Very annoying and distracting. After all, one of the reasons I came here was to keep away from that sort of thing. Makes me realize I’m no longer as cursed as I used to be in the noisy neighbor department because it would’ve been just my shit luck to get next to or across from them. But we didn’t!

Gonna take it easy for the rest of the night and just listen to music, read, enter some sweeps, and maybe even watch a movie.

THURSDAY, JULY 17, 2014 I still have moments where I consider reaching out to Aly. I could email her and I could probably find her latest Ask account through the trolls before it too, is deleted.

But then I remember the lies and the possible drama that could come out of it if I did. I just don’t know what to do at times. Wait and see if she contacts me? I wouldn’t mind playing the 20 Questions game with her and maybe even the others if I knew no craziness and drama could come from it. Could Aly be honest? Could Kim be just Kim? Could Molly not make a million demands?

I don’t know what to do like I said. I miss Aly’s goodness, but don’t want to end up regretting anything. If I followed my heart, I’d consider joining in the fun. If I followed my head, I’d stay away. I have other friends who have caused me a helluva lot less grief and I know I should focus on them. Aly hasn’t caused me nearly as much grief as the others, but when one is connected to ticking time bombs, it’s not always good to get too close in case those bombs actually do explode. People change, though, so maybe the bombs have been diffused a bit over time.

Later…

Part of me kind of regrets removing old journals from Blogger. Maybe I’ll replace them some other time.

Today was the best for me since last week’s catastrophe. Tom picked up the lorazepam after work. Really, REALLY wish I’d had it a week ago! It says to take it every 12 hours as needed, but hopefully, it will be so long before I feel such intense anxiety that the stuff will be old and expired. Then again, I hope I never feel that again. It was awful and it made everything else seem awful, too. I was suddenly hyper-aware of every single ache and pain I felt. Things I would normally ignore were suddenly a big deal and the little things in life seemed even smaller.

The nurse that took me into the exam room said she too, has had anxiety, and that it’s actually pretty common. I described the symptoms – heart beating hard and fast, dizziness like you’re going to pass out, shortness of breath, upset stomach… She’s experienced it all as well and agrees it’s frustrating cuz you can’t control it. It’s a little easier to get it to back off than it is to prevent it altogether. Fortunately, though, I spent more time worrying that I’d get hit with an attack today than getting anything, though I didn’t actually worry that much. Not now that the appointment is over and I discussed things with the doctor and all that.

Meanwhile, I called one of the counselors on the list and left a message. She returned my call saying she didn’t accept my insurance plan. Then why was she on the list they gave me?

My heartbeat sped up to 127 last night after listening to loud music through headphones, but it quickly settled down and I didn’t have any other symptoms with it. Loud music does elevate the heart.

Did some ab exercises earlier and went around the block a few times on my bike. I’m gradually working back up into my usual fitness routine. It may be a few more days before I make it around the whole park. I don’t want to elevate my heart too much right now because it’s been beyond elevated for nearly a week. It needs some calm time.

Not much else going on. I won a stupid soccer ball and Nane kidnapped me in this dream I had where I went to visit her. She liked my company so much that she wouldn’t let me leave, LOL.

Oh, and I reactivated my old Ask account just to see what comes in, if anything, after all this time.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 16, 2014 I’m exhausted right now so I’m just going to say that the biopsy is done! I only felt a bit of a sting as the needle went in, then they took a sample of the little bumps or zit-like things, then they put a stitch in me, which needs to be removed next week. Had I known I'd need stitches down there I'd have ended up in the ER for damn sure!

Meanwhile, she thinks I've been having severe anxiety due to the trauma of accidentally ODing and that it's unlikely that my thyroid meds would affect me with such intensity after all these months. What happened a few years ago also gave me a case of PTSD, then there's the ADHD and the torturous week I’ve had, so she's sending me to a counselor and prescribing me lorazepam to take up to 2 times a day as needed. Next week I should know the results of the biopsy. I just wish all these appointments would slow down!

I assured her when she asked if I felt like hurting myself that I wasn't suicidal. I was in the past, but not now. Now I just want to feel better. Having the biopsy out of the way and knowing for sure it is anxiety and not just thinking it is, helps too, but I still have a lot of health issues to deal with. I miss the old healthy me who didn't take meds, even if she's always had some of these issues.

Apparently, some of it is Nane's fault. Haha, you'll LOVE this one, as I told Nane. I told the doctor that I wasn't sure at first if it was anxiety because sometimes it would creep up on me when nothing bad was on my mind. Then I told her I got all excited to get a special friend’s postcard when it hit me, and she said that getting excited could aggravate it. So Nane made my day AND gave me an anxiety attack! Frau Regenbogen could understand everything she wrote in German even if it was brief! Sorry, can't read the Greek, though, LOL. She said it just said, “Greetings from Greece.”

Anyway, I practically broke down in tears and told the doctor what happened. Instead of cutting me off and telling me to make another appointment to discuss it, she was very patient and compassionate. So was Maria, who came in to confer with the doctor over my problem downstairs.

I’ll write more details tomorrow. Right now I’m just beat. I just want to get into bed with the Kindle and relax till I crash.

TUESDAY, JULY 15, 2014 Funny how I get an alert every now and then from Yahoo! saying they got a login from an unrecognized browser. Really? Well, if it’s not just a glitch on their part, instead of creating a second sign-in I’ll just let them do it again and incriminate themselves. Chances are it’s just them fucking up. If it were hacked the alert probably would’ve given me the location. Gmail did when someone in Malaysia once hacked one of my old Google accounts. Besides, I never use this account. It only exists so I can use Flickr. If it were someone interested in my emails, that one wouldn’t be the one to check.

Did some cleaning and some online work. My anxiety’s picking up a bit with tomorrow’s biopsy looming over my head.

It’s much cooler today and even a bit cloudy. This is better for laying out at the pool, though I prefer to swim more than lie on the lounge chairs. Even if I had a deep dark tan right now, it’s not going to last forever anyway. Winter’s going to come and it’s going to fade.

Had a series of senseless dreams that consisted of bits and pieces of this and that. Something about Hawaii. Then a van that the cops and reporters decided wasn’t the type a serial killer that was on the loose was thought to have been using. Next thing I know I’m in that van that was parked in an empty parking lot by the building. A man knocked on the window opposite me and my first thought was, “It’s the killer! Run!” I took off running around a brick building that was 2 or 3 stories.

Then I walked through a long house I knew was ours. I painted a door green and the kitchen walls deep aqua. I decided it didn’t go well with the black countertops. In what I’m guessing was the neighborhood where this house was, Andy and I were walking when we came upon a shabby section where houses were rundown and welfare bums and gang bangers stood clustered outdoors. A couple of guys suddenly got into a fistfight and I was afraid one of the guys would be shoved into me as I walked by since it happened so fast and I was caught off guard.

I realized I was so busy working in this store that sold decorative items, in the last dream, that I didn’t have time to pick up messages. A woman asked me to order a flag for her with a cat, but she wanted a realistic cat and not a cartoonish cat.

MONDAY, JULY 14, 2014 Just a quick entry before Tom gets home in half an hour. I’ve felt pretty good today, though my number twos still seem a bit extreme at times and I haven’t been able to muster up enough guts to take the pill while alone just yet. I just do NOT want to deal with any yucky side effects if there’s a chance some of my anxiousness could be from that and not just due to being freaked out by what happened last week. So when he gets in I’ll take it and we’ll see if I get jittery and if my heart races and all that fun stuff.

Unless anything’s changed, we’re going to the pool later on. It’s over 100° out there, so it’s perfect for swimming.

He and I went to Sam’s yesterday and got free cleaning shammies after watching a presentation on Ibiz cleaning products. We stupidly spent $50 for 3 bottles of the stuff and fortunately for us, we’ve got 3 months to return it. I just don’t think it’s all that miraculous. Nothing I use – even this – will get rid of that damn white film that builds up from calcium and water spots on the shower doors. Nothing. I’ve tried every type of cleaner I can think of but it’s still there. But they’re just shower doors in the bathroom, so it’s no big deal. We will probably replace them someday since they are over 30 years old now, but it’s not a high priority.

We did a quick Zumba video together and it was ok, though I still prefer bike riding.

After having a night to “sleep on it,” as the saying goes, I still feel that ignoring Aly and the loonies she’s associated with is the best thing to do. Not to dehumanize her or anything like that, but we never actually met face to face, so that changes things a bit. It’s a bit different than when you let someone go that you actually knew in person.

Later…

I’d say there’s a good chance Aly did read my last rant about her, another lie since she said she didn’t read my blog because “it’s better that way.” The reason I say this is because she tweeted “There's so many ways I could handle this but I know I made the right choice and I’m proud of myself.”

I figured she’d see it. If I can’t stay away from peeking in on her (not that I regret dumping her), why should she be able to keep away from me? The only difference is that I’m not like Kathy. I don’t harass the people I dump. I look in on them here and there, but that’s it.

She also said some things in her blog that suggest she read my entry, or someone read it and told her about it. Then again, maybe the tweet was in reference to the trolls. She hasn’t answered any questions yet on Ask today, and until and if she does, I can’t be 100% sure that tweet was in reference to me. But I’m in the 90s.

Anyway, although she admits in her blog she’s not perfect, that tweet just keeps on reinforcing my decision. She’s turning it around and making it look like I’m the one that burned her and she’s the one that dumped me. That’s called denial. Even if she could admit she lied and take responsibility for it, it’s too late. I’ve caught her in too many lies. They may be small ones, but they have a way of adding up.

Later…

Tom got in 15 minutes late and then I took my pill without incident. After he ate we went to the pool. It is super hot and dry out there today! Very Arizona-ish. No one was at the pool. The park is like a ghost town. No one even wants to sit outside in these temps of 105°. I’d probably die of a heat stroke riding my bike in it, but swimming is fine as long as you stay in the water. We weren’t even there for 15 minutes and we got color.

I’m so happy for Tammy and Mark! They got an offer on their house close to what they were asking for, and after two months of being alone, Mark can now finally join Tammy and begin their lives in their new state.

SUNDAY, JULY 13, 2014 I’m thrilled to say I haven’t had a shred of anxiety since yesterday afternoon. Words can’t express how immensely relieved I am to get back to myself. It almost felt like life as I knew it was over and like I’d never get back to normal. Those 4 days of hell (God I hate that number with all the evil that seems to be associated with it) were just awful. I’d rather the bees come back and torment me. That was a different kind of scary. One where it’s scary but you know your life isn’t in danger. With the accidental OD, I just didn’t know what to expect.

I’m still going to mention the ADHD and anxiety to the doctor, though she may already know about the ADHD, and she does know I’ve had PTS before. It would be nice to have not a psych pill that you take daily, but for something when you’re going through super traumatic/stressful events. They gave me Xanax at the dentist after that county quack put a complex on me by making pulling that back molar a nightmare and a half. But I got over the dental block and now I’m getting over the levothyroxine block. I took the pill this morning and did the breathing techniques I read about online to help keep me calm and haven’t had any problems since I took it over 3 hours ago. This makes me think Tom was probably right and it was all anxiety I was suffering and not side effects.

I’m still just a little fatigued since I’m still not eating as much being that it was such a truly traumatic ordeal it really took a lot out of me. Sometimes it takes a few days to spring back. They listed more symptoms I’ve had than they did for levothyroxine side effects and symptoms of an impending heart attack. Even the neck pain was listed.

So anyway, I read up on anxiety and how it can come on either consciously or subconsciously, but you can’t necessarily will it not to come on. Still, I chanted to myself over and over again, “I will NOT be anxious, I will NOT be anxious.” I feel like a bit of a wimp, but I also know it isn’t my fault and that people don’t ask for shit like this. Makes me feel like an idiot when I’d tell anxious people to “just not worry about it.” If it were that simple no one would have anxiety or panic attacks.

Aly put a smile on my face when she responded to my telling her on Ask last night that I was sorry she was having it rough. She had been wondering how I was doing and said she hadn’t read my blog cuz it’s easier that way, but knows the frustration of having conditions you can only treat but not cure.

Later…

As I’ve mentioned before, I had my moments where I questioned if my dumping Alison was the right thing to do, and yes, I will use her first name. First names are harmless, and she claims she no longer reads my blog anyway. During a moment of boredom, I Googled her Twitter and Ask username, suspecting she created a Thoughts blog with that name and she did. I couldn’t read it all because that site is notoriously fucked up. It’s why I won’t blog there. There are always, always glitches, login issues, etc.

What influenced my final decision to let go for good and helped confirm that walking away is in fact doing the right thing was basically how she won’t take responsibility for lying to me. She basically blames me and says “It's refreshing not to be friends with someone who takes even the slightest thing and makes a big deal out of it.”

Lying’s no big deal? Come on! Who the hell does she think she’s kidding? Then it’s on and on about how alienated and ignored she supposedly feels and how much that hurts yet I have done nothing but reach out to her and wait days, sometimes weeks, to hear back from her. One can only do so much, and well, what more did she want me (and others) to do?

Then she said, “Yeah, I do miss your creativity and your honesty, but I will never miss…you know what? I'm not going to finish that statement. I don't like thinking badly of people, even when I have every reason to. Perhaps it's our ages and life experiences that made things end the way they did.”

Wrong, Aly. They turned out the way they did because you LIED to me. Get it? You lied. L-I-E-D. Again, it isn’t that I have a problem with her deciding who she wants to be friends with; it’s that she lied about it. So if she has a problem with me having a problem with her lying to me when I asked if she’d heard from the trolls, then I’ll find it just as refreshing not to be her friend. You lie, you lose people. Period. So if she wants to be “hurt” over being ignored, maybe she’ll think about why she’s ignored, and then maybe she’ll stop bullshitting the ones that do keep in touch with her and that wait weeks to hear back from her.

I know the crazier a person is the more she’s drawn to them and the more she wants to keep in touch with them, and while I may not be perfect, I don’t have the types of mental health issues Kim and Molly have to make me all that appealing to someone like her. She obviously prefers them unstable, and that’s fine. That’s her right. But I DO see lying as a big deal. This wasn’t like when you ask someone how they are and they say “fine” when they’re really not quite all that fine.

That really pissed me off when she told me she couldn’t think of an answer that was less than bitchy when I first contacted her on Ask, acting as if I were the bad one and I was the one that lied. What the fuck did she expect? I couldn’t believe it when I saw that. I was like, “Whoa, you want to be bitchy when you’re the one that lied?” I’ve been there for her, I’ve been honest, I’ve waited on her while she had her fun keeping in regular contact with the crazies… well, no more!

If she thinks I’m such a bitch for calling her out on her lies, wait till Molly takes a shit fit on her for not answering her texts in just 5 minutes, and wait till Kim dumps her for calling her out on one of her impersonation games or something like that. If she wants to go round and round with the same old cycle of shit, she can go right ahead. Me? I’d rather remove myself from such toxic, juvenile crap.

So if she finds it more “refreshing” to not be friends with one who calls her out on her own lies vs. one who wishes her cancer will kill her, so be it.

Do I think she’s fed the others info about me? Probably not, though at this point I don’t care if she did. Do I think she’s hacked sites on her own time? I don’t know. Do I hate her? Definitely not. But I don’t do liars, no matter how big or small the lie may be. A lie is a lie. Period. And if you can lie about one thing, you can lie about other things. I also don’t want to get swept up in any potential drama from the crazies she loves so much. The connection to them is simply too close if I remain friends with her, which is no doubt why she lied to me about patching things up with them again. Everyone I’ve ever met through her has been crazy. Just batshit fucking crazy. These people are always dumping and creating new accounts too, like they’re running from something. I’m sure they’re up to no good and I don’t want to get involved.

Well, they can all have each other. I’ll miss her good points, but the trust is gone. When you can’t even admit your mistakes and you blame the person you lied to by making it as if they’re the ones who did wrong, I want nothing to do with you. Even if she took responsibility and apologized to me right now, how could I be sure she wouldn’t lie in the future? I couldn’t, so she can rest assured that I won’t be looking in on her blog anymore or any other account of hers like Ask or Twitter. We’re done. Period.

Later…

Sometimes I wish Andy worked outside of the house for 8 hours and slept 8 hours most nights too, so I wouldn’t feel obligated to play the Ask game as much with him, but it seems very few people are like Tom. They may sleep around 8 hours or so but so many people are home so much of the time. It’s amazing that the average household income is 50k these days. But how? How are they getting the money if they’re always home? Either way, Andy did get two new clients recently so maybe that’ll keep him busier.

I saw a horrifying video the day I OD’d which Becky, a VH sister shared. She shouldn’t have, and I hate that these things are allowed online for anyone to see. I’m so sorry I saw it. The images will be forever ingrained in my brain. Maybe that also fed my anxiety. IDK, but I do know that Muslims are sicker than sick. Their game is to force Christians to convert to Muslims and then behead them.

I can’t imagine the utter terror of knowing I was about to get my head cut off! Ugh!!! How was the guy who was about to die able to even speak when they forced him to repeat after them (those in charge of this barbaric and sadistic execution) when “converting” him? I’d have passed out with utter fear. Yet he knelt down and spoke steadily enough in Arabic (there were English captions and as they killed him they chanted “There is only one God!). If I knew I was going to be murdered simply for what I believed, I’d be less than cooperative. They probably threatened his family if he didn’t comply.

Anyway, it was disgusting. It was sick. It was INHUMANE. Muslims aren’t human, they’re animals. Nothing but sick, twisted and positively insane animals. I don’t understand how this can be legal anywhere. You think this shit happened hundreds of years ago, but that’s wrong. It’s happening right now in 2014. How can another person’s beliefs drive someone to such gruesome insanity? Regardless of why the Muzzie decapitated the guy’s head, how could they have the stomach to do it and how could they sleep at night without nightmares, guilt or remorse of any kind? I just don’t get that. I know doctors open people up and operate on their guts, but this was no operation to help someone during which they were rendered unconscious. This was an animal disguised as a human that inflicted an unimaginable amount of pain and terror on a fully conscious human being.

And all because of what he believed.

SATURDAY, JULY 12, 2014 I’m still not sure what to do where Aly is concerned. First I thought of how she said she couldn’t come up with an answer to my question on Ask that wasn’t at least slightly bitchy, and was like, WTF? You lie to me and then you think you could only give me a bitchy answer as if I were the bad guy? Screw that!

Then I think it’s pointless to be all pissed off about such petty stuff since there was so much more good in her than bad. I honestly don’t know what to do at this point. I just don’t. I think that for now, I have enough on my plate. I still feel kinda crappy at times and I have that and my upcoming appointments to deal with. And like I said before, I’ll miss her at times but I don’t want to get caught up in any drama she’s connected to. I wish her the best, including with the upcoming job hunt which I guess may be part of why she’s buddied up with past trouble; to keep them from badmouthing her in a way Google would take note of. Whatever, though. I mean that’s for her to worry about and not me. For now, I won’t say I’ll never ever talk to her again because never is a long time. Maybe someday when I’m feeling better for longer than half a day. I know I told her not to contact me, but truthfully, I don’t care if she reaches out to me or not. I won’t ignore her or anything like that. Right now I’m just really worried about my health. I’m not in the proper frame of mind to deal with other things right now.

I’m still having waves of what Tom is pretty sure is anxiety. I talked to Tammy and they both think it’s connected to anxiety, but Tammy also thinks the levothyroxine could have a part in it. However, Tom doesn’t think it’d be likely for me to get side effects this late in the game but admits he’s no expert and can’t know for sure. He’s leaning toward anxiety alone because of the traumatic experience I went through, my upcoming appointments playing on my mind, plus the fact that I’ve pretty much always been an anxious person.

It really does suck. I’ll feel like I’m jittery or like my heart’s racing even though I can hold my hands steady and my heartbeat isn’t that high, and then I’ll feel sort of lightheaded and have to run and go poo-poo.

Tammy was once on Xanax for anxiety where she was jittery, couldn’t sleep, and couldn’t turn her mind off. She thinks that even if I’m feeling better when I see the doctor on Wednesday, I should still address the ADHD/anxiety and see what I can take for it. After what the Navane did to me and how dependent I got upon it, I hate to turn to any drugs to cope, but I realize things have changed since the 80s, and this is no way to live. It’s a horrible, miserable feeling. I’d take a whole damn pharmacy of pills if it’ll make me feel better.

So what do I think? Anxiety is probably for sure, but I don’t know about the levothyroxine at this point. The symptoms are right on, but again, many different conditions/problems can have the same set of symptoms.

I just want to feel like my old self again! This is scary, frustrating and even a bit depressing. Worst I’ve felt since moving here. I want the happier me back whose biggest worry was listening to those annoying landscaping sounds or having PMS. I try to take Tom and Tammy's advice and remind myself that nothing I’m going through is life-threatening, and there’s no sense in worrying about things I can’t control like when I get stressed out over what-ifs. What if Tom gets killed in a car accident? What if we go broke again? All those what-ifs and the thought of growing old, us having no one to help us, dying… I’m trying to put it all out of my mind but it’s sometimes easier said than done.

In happier news, I got a huge stuffed realistic Saint Bernard at the Goodwill store today and Tom got this remote-controlled robot that he wants to program to do different things with. He loves doing things like that. The dog is so huge I spotted it from the other end of the store. At first I thought it was a border collie but nope.

I also won him a T-shirt. That’s better than nothing, but I miss winning big!

And now I feel just fine again. It comes and it goes, comes and goes.

FRIDAY, JULY 11, 2014 I’m now the best I’ve been since the accidental OD, but last night got a little scary. Earlier, I was doing a paid survey around lunchtime when my heart started racing and I got that jittery feeling, but fortunately that didn’t even last a minute. When Tom got in I felt even better. By 6pm I noticed I’d been up nearly 16 hours (16-18 is normal for me) and so I got into bed and read for a while. That’s when the trouble began, and as much as I may feel like an idiot and a bit of a wimp, I’m glad to say that it was almost certainly an anxiety attack and nothing else. But I didn’t know this at the time. I ended up being up for 22 hours and was questioning every ache, cramp and pain I felt. Many diseases can have the same set of symptoms. I had pains in my neck, my chest, and an upset stomach. These can not only be leftover effects from the double dose, but they can also be anxiety or signs of an impending heart attack.

My fear and frustration were so great that I woke Tom up. I felt horrible. He felt confident it wasn’t my heart and admitted that while I may have problems in the future, the recent cardiogram didn’t show any signs of trouble, and knowing me, I was likely having a panic attack due to my fear of what may happen when taking the Levo again. Feeling physically drained and in a state of panic also made me feel depressed, hopeless and helpless. It worst night I’ve had since being here, even though Tom reminded me that people deal with insomnia all the time, I’d be ok, nothing bad would happen when I next took my medication, etc. Still, I was a basket case. I tossed and turned in bed, my mind raced, my heart raced, I felt short of breath, I had bouts of crying, and it was just like OMFG! This is NOT like me. Of course Tom had to laugh later on and say, “Yes it is. Nothing’s ever just a little bad for you. It’s a horrible, huge kind of bad,” not that he doesn’t understand how truly terrifying the OD effects were on me, and agrees anyone would be scared.

When I was in tears I was saying how wonderful our lives had been for years until all these health problems came to ruin it, and he hugged me and assured me it was just two minor issues that millions of people have. When I’m calm I can totally agree with him, although there are many other nuisances I have to deal with along with the thyroid and cholesterol – my ear, eyes, teeth, female stuff – and this can really add up and seem overwhelming when you’re feeling shitty. Little things seem like big things when you’re either upset, sick or both.

So after a truly torturous night of realizing I was almost as stressed out as I’d sometimes be back in the trailer (really, I don’t know what’s worse at times, financial or health problems), I fell asleep, and as Tom suggested, managed to fight the urge to take something to help me sleep like a melatonin or a Benadryl. I was surprised to sleep just 6 hours and not 10, but as he pointed out, taking stuff was probably what was messing my sleep up. Had I taken something I probably would’ve woken up more often along the way (I only awoke once during the night), and I would’ve slept longer. This way I got just the amount of sleep my body needed.

So it was 6:30, Tom was already up, and I felt tired. Worse, my heart was racing in anticipation of taking that dreaded levothyroxine, but I knew sooner or later I needed to take it. I will cover that in my next post, but obviously, it didn’t kill me since I’m able to type this one. :)

Later…

Due to the combination of me being sick and so on edge, Tom stayed home from work. He has tons of vacation time but I still feel a touch guilty even though he assures me it’s fine. Yeah, but the company barbecue was today and he could’ve won something nice in the raffles they’re having, but… shrugs what’s done is done. It was just not a good day for me to be left alone. I knew that the only thing that would make me feel better was to let enough time pass so that the effects of the OD could wear off, and seeing that I could take my meds again without something horrible happening, and I wasn’t about to do that alone. I am not only grateful as hell to him for being so caring but that he has such great benefits at work, especially when it comes to time off. It’s a lot like they have in Europe. I was also glad for once that I didn’t have an outside job. Despite all that’s gone on I haven’t missed much work since I can work at home.

Tom was telling me about his oldest brother Raymond (now dead) who was in the roofing business. He fell off a building something like 40 feet and damaged his neurological system. He also broke some bones, and one of his feet was so damaged the bones were basically like powder. They made a mold the same size as his foot to replace them with. Well, one day his heartbeat reached 200 and a doctor and a nurse each injected a medication into one of his arms (I don’t know the name of it) at the same time. This slowed his heart down to normal in seconds. Now THAT must have been utterly terrifying!

Anyway, I got up, relieved to find him home and glad I wouldn’t have to finish my recovery alone. I knew that by Monday when he returned to work I’d either be completely over what happened, or something was seriously wrong with me and I’d end up in the hospital.

My oxygen level was good when I got up, but my heartbeat was 135 and I felt both tired and nervous. He reminded me that it’s normal for our heartbeats to be elevated upon waking up as the adrenaline shoots through the body to get everything going again.

Since my stomach was empty which is how it’s supposed to be when taking Levo, I took it and hoped for the best, all the while he sat with me and assured me that I was taking something natural to the body and simply replacing what my body stopped producing on its own. Passing the 10-minute marker without incident (which is about when I had the bad reaction after stupidly taking a second pill) had me relieved as hell. My heartbeat dropped to 85 and I practically felt like a whole new person. So yeah, I did definitely OD, and yeah, I was experiencing anxiety last night, worried about a freak chance of it being an allergic reaction I had, even though that’s almost impossible.

I had no idea I was doing this shit in my sleep, reaching for pills to place on the shelf and all that. It reminded me of this notebook I used to keep by my bed in the other place to record dreams upon waking me up. A few times I awoke to find the notebook on the floor and pages torn from it and strewn about the bedroom floor. I was like, WTF? Well, I’ve never been known to sleepwalk, but from now on no more pills but the usual over-the-counter stuff that’s always been there will be on the headboard shelf.

I had a peach yogurt, perked up fast, and then enjoyed a little retail therapy at Walmart. Those simple pleasures in life suddenly seemed divine and I splurged on tons of new wax melts for my warmer so I’d have plenty of variety. The only ones I wish I had were patchouli and something with grape and lavender. I can find those on Amazon no doubt. What I have here will last me a year! It’s a great alternative to candles and incense. It’s even better than plug-ins and sprays because those don’t have such a huge variety or last as long. You also get so much less for so much more money that way.

Anyway, it’s just so great to be feeling so much better. I’m really starting to feel like my old self and I even did some ab exercises earlier. Tomorrow if I don’t get back on my bike I will at least hit the pool. We’ll see how Tom’s ear feels. One of his ears is blocked with wax and we’re pouring a mix of alcohol and peroxide in it to help it. He’s had this before and this remedy has always worked. It just takes some time.

In recent dreams, I was at a reunion with my Valleyhead sisters. We all hugged each other at one point and I said, “Ich liebe meine Schwestern” (I love my sisters).

Then my bike was in the living room in another dream and it turned into a motorcycle as I was walking it out the front door.

For scented wax cubes I got:

Brownie Pecan Pie

Butterscotch Maple Cream

Buttery Shortbread

Calypso Sands

Chai Tea

Cherry Berry

Coffee Cake Swirl

Cucumber Melon

Cupcake

Fresh Air

Ginger Peach

Ice Raspberry Sangria

Illusion

Kiwi Watermelon

Mountain Twilight

Orchid Paradise

Papagayo Beach

Perfect Summer Day

Pure White Woods

Sugared Pecans

Sweet Pea

Tea Thyme

Tropical Plumeria Petals

Tropical Fiesta

Vanilla Caramel Spice

Vanilla Woods

Vintage Lace

Warm Apple Pie

White Suede Driftwood

Wild Berry Cheesecake

Wild Blueberry Pie

Wild Woodland Blooms

Later…

Last night I had a soft-hearted moment of sorts and let Aly know that while I was pissed, it was hard to stay mad at her forever. She knows how I feel. She can be friends with whoever she wants and go through as much shit as she wants with people. It’s her life. But I don’t trust her the way I once did because I have no way to know for sure what info she’s divulged or anything else she may’ve done that involved me. I still think overall she’s as good of a person as she is smart. But we can’t truly know someone, especially if we never met them.

Instead of answering the message on Ask, she did so on Twitter. Not sure why, but that’s ok. I deactivated that particular Ask account again because I so rarely use it.

She let me know she misses me too, and I realized that sometimes it’s best to just miss someone than to take risks where they’re concerned.

Planter’s salted caramel peanuts are to die for, so I learned today when I spotted them at the store. I usually don’t like salty foods, but these are like wow!

Also, the Vintage Lace is the best of the wax melts. Reminds me of White Shoulders perfume and that old Bump & Grind incense I used to get.

THURSDAY, JULY 10, 2014 Feeling better after yesterday’s scare from hell on our 1-year anniversary in this house, but still a bit shaken up emotionally. It’s a bit hard to focus.

Just to clarify things, I didn’t go to the hospital yesterday. The paramedics took my BP and hooked my heart up to a cardiogram to be sure no signs of a heart attack were present. We also have one of those finger monitors that tells you what your oxygen and pulse are and even when I felt a bit breathy I was still at 99% oxygen. My heart was a little over 100 and now it’s down in the 80s. I naturally have a rapid heartbeat, but over 100 is a bit much unless I’m doing something strenuous.

A horrible thought hit me and that’s that there’s the slim possibility I didn’t double dose myself and the first pill I took was actually a melatonin, but I don’t think so. Gosh, I hope that wasn’t the case! If it is then that would mean I had a serious allergic reaction all of a sudden to the Levo and it will happen again. Tom doesn’t think it will, though, and he thinks I did indeed accidentally go double-dosing.

I felt awful all day yesterday but when Tom got home that calmed my nerves quite a bit. I am so grateful for him. I’d be lost without him. Some things you just want to be left alone to deal with, but this wasn’t one of them. This wasn’t a simple cold or anything like that that was familiar to me and that I knew was totally harmless. He felt bad he wasn’t home when the nightmare happened. The whole thing not only made the little things in life seem like nothing, but it made me realize I could never live without him. Makes me wonder how I survived those pre-Tom years alone! I was young and healthy then, though I did smoke and had some scary asthma attacks. Life was harder but simpler then, especially when it came to dealing with doctors. Now so many things are so complicated and while I may be better at languages and writing than he is, he’s much smarter with other things that are hard for me to figure out and deal with. While I still hate my mother and make no excuses for the things she did when she was alive, I can see where she wouldn’t have wanted to take her medication in the end after dad died, and why she just let herself wither away.

I almost wished they had given me a shot of anti-anxiety medication and sent a counselor to hang out with me till Tom got in, that's how bad my stress was. Sometimes the fear and stress that goes with the actual physical problem can be just as bad, if not worse. One minute I'd be thinking I might be feeling better, the next I’d just want to cry. I have lived with constant everyday fear of dying and it's getting old. The older I get the more fearful of this I become, especially after what happened in 2007 and 2011. I've become such a worrywart. I fear us growing old and dying alone. I'd hate to be the one to go first and leave him all alone, yet I'd hate to see him die and be alone myself knowing I couldn't live without him but fearing I might not have the guts to kill myself as much as I know I couldn’t go on alone. I don't see how I could handle all these doctors and medical issues alone these days. Especially with no car and all the sleep issues I have which only makes things harder.

I tell myself to quit worrying about getting old or developing any serious illnesses until we actually get there. Even Tom tells me this. But it's easier said than done at times. He also says our future actually looks brighter than ever and we're only going to be old for a small part of our lives. True, but each moment you're suffering from whatever you’re suffering from feels like an eternity. I just do NOT handle stress well. There's no denying that much. When the shit hits the fan I'm the basket case from hell.

Tom speculates I might've actually had HYPERthyroidism 20 years ago cuz I used to be hyper, get a racy heart at times, and could eat all I wanted and not gain weight. Then I gradually went from hyperthyroidism to HYPOthyroidism. This kind of does make sense when you think about it, so he might be right. What’s scaring me is the thought of ever taking the Levo again. I’m not taking anything at all today and when I do take it next, I’ll make sure Tom’s home. For now, I’ve emailed my doctors to let them know what happened and to see if they have any advice for me.

Anyway, I slept 7 hours and of course I woke up a couple of times along the way. I thought I’d sleep 8-10 hours after being run through the wringer. Everything hurt. My head hurt, my eyes felt like sand had been thrown in them, and my chest muscles ached like hell. I’m still tired and a bit down, but better physically. Going through something like this suddenly makes everything in both the present and future seem so bleak, scary and hopeless.

Lost 6 pounds in less than a week. I should be thrilled. Instead, I’m not giving a shit after what happened. I’d be bigger than a football field before I went through that again!

It was nice to hear from friends and family online. I appreciate them for caring. :)

Later…

Next door just took off for their second trip of the day. More cataract surgery? Nah, it was just Bob. Unless it’s his turn for that. After what I went through I almost welcomed any neighborhood distractions. I usually love my space and work best on my own, but I just did NOT want to be alone. Today I actually like knowing I’m surrounded by houses instead of isolated in the woods, as funny as that may sound. I mean, what can they do for me, right? Sissy or not, that’s how I am at times.

I sent messages to both my PCP doctor and my endo doc. Another doctor replied saying my PCP was out today and would hold that message for me, and that I may have taken a double dose. Yeah, that’s what I’m still leaning toward as opposed to thinking I grabbed the melatonin at 1am, took a Levo at 6am, then had an allergic reaction. Even Tom stressed that he doubted I’d suddenly react to a normal dose like that after all these weeks.

I guess it’s that time for all the doctors of NorCal to be on vacation, cuz now it turns out that my endo doc’s out, too. They said I shouldn't necessarily have an allergic reaction to the levothyroxine. Some people are allergic to the fillers that hold the medication together. For now, try it tomorrow and see how I feel. If it happens again, let them know.

It better not happen again! I can’t go through that shit again. I really can’t. As a few friends and followers were saying, once the hard starts pumping wildly, it causes you to panic and that makes it worse. When I’m feeling ok it's easy to think of the possibility of dying and say, "Well, if I die I at least made it home first and it's not like I'm really young or anything like that." But that attitude changes very quickly when you’re suddenly faced with a crisis and that survival instinct automatically kicks in.

It sucks either way. I don’t want to take this medication ever again but I have to or else I will eventually die and feel like shit until I do.

For now, I’m just immensely relieved to be feeling better, though I’m taking it real easy. No working out or cleaning or anything. This is the first time in a long time I will go 3 days without working out. I think tomorrow I can get back on that bike, though.

The paramedic who said it’d boost my metabolism wasn’t kidding. When I could finally walk into the kitchen and grab a bite to eat and some water to keep from being dehydrated since I was having the runs, I did a little test. When my metabolism was at its deadest a lousy cup of coffee could put half a pound to a pound on me. After a 30-calorie kiddy smoothie yesterday the scale hadn’t budged either way. Not long afterward it dropped half a pound.

I read that the Levo (and Tammy confirmed this) can cause headaches, insomnia, swelling, nausea, and the runs. Fortunately, I haven’t had any nausea.

Yesterday I wished I could go back to complaining about any noise as that suddenly seemed like nothing when I felt as shitty as I felt yesterday. But now that I can it’s quiet and the bricklayer is gone. I knew he’d be back, though, to work on that retaining wall. Nobody can get their home repairs done in just a day around here. Nobody.

Later…

A part of me misses Alison, but I realize that as much as I’ll miss her good points, I have to remember and consider that dishonest side of hers and the suspicions I’ve had about her possibly hacking into some sites and even accounts of mine. These suspicions are probably unfounded, but they’re there. And no matter how much she may try to reassure me she hasn’t given info about me to the nutjobs she so prefers to hang with, how can I know that’s true? If she can give me info, why not them? Ok, so I know we don’t always tell the same people the same things, but still.

I remember a while back she said – on Facebook, I think it was – how she wished she’d feel less ignored and hear from people more often. I thought this was strange because on every site we were connected on – Facebook, Twitter, etc. – she’d often go days and sometimes weeks without checking in. Now I know why. Because I wasn’t as crazy as she would prefer. If I was on disability and had MPD, or if I was in some home for the mentally fucked in the head and wrote about wanting to kill my parents in their sleep and all kinds of other crazy shit, THEN I’d be fun and interesting to keep in touch with more often.

But hey, you can’t make someone like or not like something or someone. They are the way they are, so I just have to respect that and back off. Especially since the trust has been shattered. One of the two traits that drew me to her and had me eventually consider her one of my best online friends ever was her intelligence and her honesty. Ah, but she was also dishonest and friendships must be based on trust. If you don’t have that, what do you have?

It’s strange that one as smart as she is would be drawn to those not right in the head. Usually, people like her want others like her while the crazies feed off of the crazies. Sure, her two favorite nuts surely have their good points and for a split, crazy, totally irrational second I actually considered joining not just her but all 3 of them. But I’m smart enough to know that the shit will eventually hit the fan and I don’t want to be caught up in all that drama and insanity again and the never-ending cycle of bullshit from her friends. I’ve finally broken free of that and I want to keep it this way. They will be kind and sweet one minute and then the next they do something to drive you away and then punish you for walking away by stalking and pestering you to no end. No thanks! Molly was nosing around in my blog yesterday.

But yeah, I do kinda miss her. She may have had her problems but she was real and I loved her intelligence and creative flair. Maybe I should’ve shrugged off what I learned and said, “Eh, no one’s perfect.” But it’s not like she failed to tell me she got a case of the hiccups or anything. She failed to tell me she’s tight with a couple of batshit crazy fuckers that could know anything and everything about me. Ok, so that can be argued too, since they don’t have any sensitive info about me. Not unless people know more about me than I think they do. But let’s say the nutjobs have my address. What are they going to do with it? Show up at my door and beat me up?

For now, I’ll miss her, I’ll wonder about her, but I will not be so closely connected to any madness, not that she’d necessarily welcome me back after dumping her anyway.

She’s telling Kim on both Twitter and Ask that she’s asked the same questions over and over again. She still doesn’t get it. Kim’s not just Kim. It’s each of her personalities asking and she obviously doesn’t realize this any more than Kim does.

Next door just returned from their third trip and I can tell this isn’t it because they parked in the carport and not the garage. I think that unless they’re dead or as sick as I was yesterday, this is the way they’ll always be, in and out. Except for Sundays, though, where they may only go out once.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 9, 2014 This morning just after 7am was the first time I prayed, not so much to any particular God or other unearthly entity, but just prayed that I would be ok. Coincidence? I don’t know and I don’t care. I’m just glad I survived the HUGE scare I had this morning!

I had been in the habit of reaching up and taking my thyroid medication within the last few hours of my sleep since I often wake up a million times anyway. Since it’s been about a week or more since I was taking melatonin supplements to help me sleep, I started taking them again to help me make my appointments next week without my schedule being too messed up and me too tired.

At 6:30 I was in the bedroom when I looked at the headboard shelf and saw the little pill sitting there and thought, WTF? Thinking I’d really taken melatonin and hadn’t set up the next levothyroxine pill for the following night, I took the pill.

Not long afterward my heart starts racing like crazy and I’m dizzy as hell. I was terrified! I stumbled into the kitchen and slammed on a yogurt as fast as I could because eating prevents this medication from being absorbed as much. That’s why I’m supposed to take it on an empty stomach.

I was both coherent and a bit disoriented. I had to stop and think just to call Tom at work. My hands were very shaky. I got his VM and then I called the paramedics for the first time in about 20 years because I just didn’t know what to do or if I’d be ok. It was scary! I called and told them what happened and that I ate a yogurt to try to block some absorption. Levo has a fine line between being helpful and toxic. She told me not to eat or drink anything else till help arrived.

At first I was worried I would collapse before making it to the door, but I managed to get out the back and stumble down the driveway. When the fire truck arrived right before the ambulance, I was in tears and practically hugged the guy, that’s how relieved I was that they were finally there.

They checked my BP and heart and said that while they weren’t doctors they believed I’d be ok and 150mcg wasn’t a lethal dose. So I came in and rested a while, still feeling like shit, but a little better knowing I’d be ok. You would think I’d be used to these close calls, and while I wasn’t as sure as I was in 2011 that I wasn’t going to make it, the thought definitely crossed my mind for a while there.

I later tried to call Tammy to cry on her shoulder (hey, when you can’t run to mommy and hubby’s working, you call your big sis) but dialed the wrong number. I’ll call her some other time. She left me a VM after I messaged her on Facebook. She’s gotten her own meds mixed up before. Well, no more keeping the Levo by the bed. I’m now using the AM/PM pillbox. The Levo goes in the AM, the vitamins and statin in the PM.

Tom told me to try to eat a bit more today, but that’s not so easy when you aren’t hungry. Funny how life works, huh? When I’m trying not to get carried away with the eating I’m utterly famished. When I should eat more I’ve got no appetite whatsoever. OD on 5-6 pills as a teen and it just makes me drowsy. Do that accidentally on just 2 thyroid pills and my heart booms like it’s going to jump out of my chest. Life. It’s a strange thing.

TUESDAY, JULY 8, 2014 Although fewer women are having children as the pressure to work, work, work hangs heavy on both genders these days, the population is rising. We’re living longer, fewer babies are dying, and medicine is advancing fast. But the office staff of these doctors who are keeping us alive is growing more and more incompetent, confused and disorganized by the minute!

I am so damn frustrated with these secretaries, office administrators, or whatever the hell you want to call them, that I’m damn near ready to forget about dealing with my female problems which I’m almost positive can’t be that serious anyway as annoying as it can be, and maybe drop the ear doctor, too. I’ll keep the dentist cuz that’s simple enough to deal with, and I have to keep the eye doctor cuz I need to see, and lastly, I must continue the thyroid medication so I don’t have a heart attack, a stroke, go into a coma, or gain 100 pounds. Those are all easy enough to deal with because it’s just one doctor I’m dealing with for just one thing and pretty straightforward. But when you’ve got a handful of problems and you’re dealing with a network of doctors, physician’s assistants and stupid office staff, it becomes both confusing and frustrating.

We scheduled my external biopsy, as they call it, online. Then at the end of the day, I get a message asking what I want it for! Shouldn’t these people know that? Really, they should keep better records! They should know who I am, who my doctors are, and what they’ve ordered. Every fucking time Tom calls for me (which he sometimes does because he drives me) they act like they don’t know anything about it, can’t find any records, or like they don’t believe him. Why must it be so hard to call these offices and tell them that such and such a doctor ordered such and such an exam or treatment? They should be able to pull this info right up!

I’m just fed up with dealing with doctors, doctors and more doctors! All these appointments are so damn hard on me with my sleep disorder, and even if I didn’t have sleep issues, I feel like the doctors’ offices have become almost like a second home and that’s no way to live. Sometimes the best way to deal with something is to pull back and not deal at all. And so I will pick and choose which of all these fucking health issues I now have to deal with I should continue dealing with, and which ones I should put on the back burner for now.

Like do I really need a hearing test, for example? I work at home. Who cares how well I can hear the landscapers and the home improvement/repairs jobs I thought we were done with for the year. Some concrete company was at one of the neighbor’s houses, pounding away at something. I wonder if that’s what Bob and Jim were referring to when they were out walking. I saw them stop and turn around and point in the direction of that house like something was wrong there. I’m sure they’ll be back today, whatever it is. No one’s renovations or repairs seem to take just one day.

Anyway, I’m tired today. I only slept about 6 hours. First time I slept straight through, though. When I awoke I remembered a dream of me sitting behind the wheel of an RV that was running. Tom was napping behind me somewhere. I sat there copying notes from a bunch of scrap pieces of paper. I then turned the motor off and Tom asked me what I was doing. I told him I didn’t see any point in leaving it running because it was going to take a while to get all the notes copied.

Later…

Why do bad things happen? Why do good things happen? Do I believe we’re really never given more than we can handle? I’ve been asked these age-old questions lately, and well, I don’t know why bad/good things happen to us. If there is a God up there of any kind, why did it feel I deserved to grow up with abuse and then be given a husband who loves me unconditionally and has never complained or tried to change a damn thing about me?

As for us never being given more than we can handle, well, I personally find this a bit of a naïve and gullible belief, but that’s just me. I understand the need some people have to tell themselves this as a means of convincing themselves that everything will be alright and they can handle anything, blah, blah, blah. But as far as I’m concerned, we’re all going to be given more than we can handle someday that will kill us all. It may be cancer, it may be heart disease, but sooner or later something will break us down for good.

Why do I have all these health issues and doctor appointments all of a sudden? Tell me that. Then again, it’s really a no-brainer. These issues have been festering for years. I just didn’t have the insurance to deal with it till a couple of years ago. I just hope it ends soon! Meanwhile, my biopsy is on for the 16th and my ultrasound for the 17th. I have a bad feeling, though, that these appointments will lead to yet MORE appointments and that once they finally figure out what the hell’s wrong with me it won’t be a simple matter of calling in a prescription to cure it.

These secretaries really make me want to rub their faces in a cheese grater at times, though. It’s going to be rough on my schedule but I think I can nail both appointments easily enough. I’ll eat less and that’ll make me sluggish and thus help me fall asleep easier at night. Trying to keep a schedule long-term may be out of the question, but being short on sleep for a few days won’t kill me. Being tired during the appointments may actually be a good thing if it helps me to relax more easily.

We think the neighbor’s retaining wall must’ve broken and that’s why concrete workers have been over there. I just hope this project doesn’t take too many days.

MONDAY, JULY 7, 2014 ”These days we’re more concerned with deleting our history than making history.”

Hilarious and true!

Went bike riding twice yesterday, once with Tom. I’m addicted to it. Since running and riding outdoors I have come to see treadmills and stationary bikes as utterly boring as hell.

Got sick of Safari causing one of the sites I frequent to hang up my browser, so I went back to Firefox, even though it runs slower. I’ll still use Safari for entering sweeps, though, since I can’t seem to get Robo running in FF. I will miss Safari’s auto-correct feature (when I wasn’t trying to write in another language), but that’s about it.

No bees got in yesterday but was that due to the bombs or because we finally managed to seal up their entryway? I’m afraid it was probably because of the bombs, but thank goodness for that much until and if we ever do manage to track down their little gateway into Tom and Jodi Land.

What the hell’s going on this month? My period is over yet I feel like I never lost my water OR my hunger. I’ve been miserably hungry and I never dropped the pound or two I usually drop after periods.

SUNDAY, JULY 6, 2014 Surprised (but pleased) that Alison hasn't tried to contact me. I can't say how she feels or what she's thinking but perhaps she is actually relieved to be rid of what was probably her only sane friend. Oh, what fun it is to immerse yourself in a world of nothing but crazies, right? rolls eyes She can have the fuckers! No matter how many times they drive her crazy or burn her, she will keep forgiving them. It's sad that some people feel they deserve no better than phony liars, skitzos and such selfish people with absolutely no empathy whatsoever. Makes you wonder what happened to her to strip her self-esteem that low, but you know what? It's her problem, not mine. I choose to surround myself with non-toxic people and expunge my life from the toxic ones.

Last night I dreamed that Nane got a boat and named it Dame Regenbogen. I’d be flattered. :)

Then I dreamed I could swim underwater and still breathe.

In the last dream, I was complaining to my sister about the scars on my forearm from my stupid days. She said, “Maybe anyone who notices them will think you got them some other way, don’t you think?”

My answer was, “No, sadly I don’t think so. No one’s going to take hold of my arm, gaze at my scars in amazement and say, ‘Wow, you did a lot of shopping this weekend.’”

It’s nice to go from sad/scary dreams to funny/strange dreams. What would REALLY be nice, though, would be to go from seeing bees in here to not seeing bees in here. Tom taped up another spot he thought they may be getting in from, yet when I got up I found a dead bee on the kitchen floor. I’m glad it was dead, thanks to the bombs, but it shouldn’t have gotten in here. Where the hell are they coming from?!?! I could’ve stepped on the damn thing too, before I turned the kitchen light on and saw it. They still sting even when they’re dead.

Jim said hello to Tom when he was out walking while Tom was watering plants. He said a few years ago was really horrible as far as bees and wasps go. Well, I’m not going to put up with this shit every summer. We either have to figure it out, have someone else figure it out for us, or we’re putting the damn house up for sale.

Bob soon came out to join Jim in their morning walk as they often do. Even though Tom and I aren’t the social butterflies most people are, it’s nice to live in such a tight community where you’re more like family than just neighbors.

Just 5 days shy of our 1-year marker here, we replaced the old, heavy stools that always had this mysterious sticky film over them. Tom may keep one for his workshop, but the other two will probably go when they do the summer bulk pickup. For just $50 we got plain wooden stools from Walmart with no backs, arms or anything. I will eventually cut round pieces of foam for them, then cover them with the fabric of my choice. The hard part will be gathering them evenly to staple them underneath the top.

SATURDAY, JULY 5, 2014 Was surprised not to find any tweet rants or messages from Alison on why I dumped her and all that, but am glad I didn’t. No longer will I read her stuff or her crazy friends’ stuff either. I’m done with the happy trio.

I was too busy to write yesterday. I love being busy and keeping active, but sometimes I feel like there isn’t enough time to get everything done that I want to do.

Going in order of events – I chatted with a few people on Facebook really early yesterday morning. I chatted with Nane whose aunt died and is still sad. She said she broke up with Askim because he had big-time emotional problems.

Chatted with this girl from Hungary too, and then was delighted to hear from my nieces. One “liked” a post and another commented on a comment I left her.

Around 7am we set the bombs off and then took off. Got a cute little Barbie mini for just $5 at Walmart and a wax burner by ScentSationals. I grabbed some wax packs of various sweet, fruity and spicy smells, also by them and by Better Homes & Gardens. Their scent selection is amazing compared to sprays and oils! I think this will be my new smelly addiction. As anyone who knows me knows, I’m obsessed with good smells. I was quite an incense junkie for a long time, but I don’t want smoke residue building up in here on our new blinds, paint and carpet. It’s a good thing I have a few sticks left, though, so we can use it to hopefully figure out where the fucking bees are getting in.

My pink, blue and green floral burner is so pretty. I love how there’s no candle or anything that can give off smoke or soot. It’s just a glass dish that rests on a light bulb. I burned some Brownie Pecan Pie and now I’m burning Illusion. That one is a mix of cedar and musk.

Poor Tom, though. He only made it 16 hours through his 2-day fasting goal. To be honest, though, I doubt I could do much better.

As we were airing the place out when we got back, we were just about to go for a bike ride when Virginia was going by. I guess she and Bob were good friends with the couple that lived here because she went to Gene’s funeral when he died on April 15th at age 95. She said it was just family and them at the funeral and that Audrey’s really frail now and all that. She probably won’t last much longer. You know how it often is with those who have been married forever. They would’ve celebrated their 67th anniversary, according to the obit, and they had 5 kids, 8 grandkids and 3 great-grandkids. All that and not one of them could help keep this damn house clean?

Even though I was annoyed with how messy they left the house, believing that if they were too old to keep up on it then someone should’ve helped them (after all, they did have kids), I feel bad for them. I felt bad for them a year ago, knowing that they weren’t moving because they wanted to or because they got sick of living here. I can just imagine how they must’ve felt leaving a home they loved for 15 years, knowing they were going to die soon enough. Audrey must be absolutely miserable now.

It’s kind of funny to know that she probably told Bob and Virginia how much younger we are before they moved, and they were probably concerned at first. I would be too, if I was in my 80s and looking at getting neighbors nearly 40 years younger than me.

Sooo, July 10th was a very emotional day for us all, them in a bad way, us in a good way, although they left a couple of weeks before we got in here. At this time last year, the house was empty. Either way, I STILL can’t believe we’re homeowners again.

What was strange was that because they get up early, Virginia actually wanted to ask us if their washer and dryer in their utility area bothered us since we’re not “old and deaf” like everyone else here, haha.

What utility area? And no, we never hear it; just their vehicle. Funny how she waits a year to ask us, LOL. I did tell her I wondered if they were moving because they came and went a lot. She said she had cataract surgery.

THURSDAY, JULY 3, 2014 I had a dream that Tom and I escaped a madman on a tiny island somewhere. There were only a few hundred people on the island and I guess some guy suddenly got a little trigger-happy. He said that was Game One and that Game Two would be carried out in a few days if anyone was still alive. He hadn’t decided yet if he would kill the survivors or let them go.

Everyone started screaming and scattered off in different directions. One guy’s wife hurt her foot while running and Tom and I helped him get her onto the guy’s private plane which we all flew out in.

Safely back at home I checked in on Facebook and saw someone writing how glad they were to know I’d made it back alive and that the violence I had to have witnessed must’ve been a real nightmare and all that.

Then Tom entered the room to tell me the guy's plans for Game Two had finally been revealed in the news. The guy was going to kill off any survivors before the cops intervened. So if we hadn’t been able to fly away, we’d have been hunted down and killed if no one had managed to contact the police in time, and I guess this was tricky because cell phones didn’t work there and there weren’t many landlines.

Love these Emoji symbols someone told me about, though they don’t work everywhere.

Things still aren’t running as smoothly as I’d like. Online work is going too slow (it’s an up-and-down thing), bees are still getting in, spiders are invading the place at night, and I’m PMSing. I’m up a pound and a half and while my logical side says it’s water, it makes me doubt once again whether or not I can get any real weight off. I probably won’t. Sure thought I would for a minute there, though.

Right now I just wish every place we live in didn’t have to have bug issues. I don’t miss living in a cold climate, but I never had to deal with this shit back east. Never. Yet every single fucking place I’ve had in the West has had problems with spiders, bees, ants, crickets… something. Tonight’s home invader, besides another bee, is a silverfish. Those aren’t as creepy, but they’re still not welcome and we’re still going to bomb the hell out of this place tomorrow morning.

Not only do I worry we may never find where the bees are coming in and that they may never figure out my female problems, but my memory isn’t sharpening back up as much as I’d like. I have to leave notes for myself and I still forget shit more than I should. I forget where I put things. I forget things I’ve already told people. I forget names, numbers, and other things. I could tell myself it’s just age, but I know damn well that not only is 48 not “old,” but it is connected to the Hashimoto’s. People are ignorant, though, so I don’t mention it to many people. You know how they are – if you can’t keep a schedule it just really means you’re lazy. If you’re fat you’re a pig. If you can’t remember things you just don’t care or you’re not listening and paying attention. I gave up on trying to explain myself to people a long time ago. You can tell someone the facts but you can’t make them get it. Besides, who do we owe any explanations to as adults anyway?

Tom worked on the car yesterday and said it was harder than he expected and wasn’t sure he did everything correctly or not, although the car ran smoothly when he did a test drive around the block. He’ll take it to work today and see how it does. Meanwhile, we’re both grateful the Ford is so incredibly reliable. It should’ve overheated and even broke down, but nope. We talked about giving it to a junkyard and making more room in the carport for other things, but now we’re not so sure we want to give up such a reliable car. We’d have had to rent something for a few days without it.

Speaking of cars, I really get sick of hearing next door come and go so much. Sometimes I don’t hear them, and they never wake me up when I’m on nights, but it’s still a bit of an annoying distraction. They pulled the car out of the garage yesterday morning and I wondered just what the hell they were doing in the garage that they wanted it out of the way. I didn’t hear any annoying tools or other sounds coming from over there, so who knows. An hour later they took off somewhere for what was probably their first of several trips in and out. I was getting into bed at that time. When they just jump in and go it’s no big deal. But when they slam doors without going anywhere (loading up stuff?), it gets old. I’m just amazed people in their 80s can have so much energy and be so active. I also don’t get how they can not want to take a day off here and there. If I was a driver I know I’d have days where I wouldn’t feel like going anywhere and where I’d just want to relax at home.

All in all, I’m surprised at just how much traffic goes by in front. There’s got to be only 25-30 houses around this block yet you won’t go more than 5 minutes in the daytime without seeing someone drive by.

Later…

When am I going to learn that forgiving someone is the dumbest thing I could do? Well, I’m done for good with Alison! I’ve had it with her hiding things from me. I don’t know if I can go so far as to say I’m pissed. I don’t think I even feel hurt. I think if anything I’m not surprised and so I’ve acknowledged and resigned myself to the fact that some people are simply liars by omission.

Out of curiosity, I thought I’d check Molly’s Twitter rants and found that she, Kim and Aly are all best buds once again. You know, the trolls she would “never again give any more worthless chances to?” So why did she conveniently neglect to tell me about this cozy little threesome? Well, I think the answer’s obvious – because I not only would tell her she’s crazy to even think of associating with them (although it’s her life, her right, and her stupidity as I told her) but because she would probably worry that I was worried she was feeding them information about me that’s none of these sickos’ business. I would too, if we were friends. Now that I’ve dropped her, I don’t give a fuck what she tells them, and I know damn well that if she can give me info about them, she can give them info about me, and why not? Why should she or would she spare them info that she’s willing to give to me? If she can give me Kim’s address (assuming it’s really hers), she can give her mine.

No wonder Molly hasn’t been whining in her blog about missing Alison, though; because they’ve been friends all along.

I see she’s already bitching about Kim asking the same damn questions as she always used to. Yeah, that’s because she’s so many people in one. Or at least pretending to be. I don’t think Aly gets the MPD thing, but that’s her problem.

As for letting her know why I was dumping her, I wasn’t even going to give her that much, but I did send a quick message. If she wastes time with replies I’ll mark them as spam unread. I deleted her on Facebook, and no, I’m not going to run and hide either. I’m not going to mark all my blogs private just because they may want to see how much of their true colors I’m exposing.

It isn’t her taste in friends that’s driven me away but the lies. And yes, she is basically a liar for not telling me. I could kick myself for believing she dropped the nutjobs forever. She obviously has an addiction to crazy skitzos and spoiled excuse queens and will probably be friends with them on and off all her life. Fine. Again, she has a right to pick and choose her own friends. But I’m not going to buy for a minute that she’s not returning the favor and supplying them with info. A liar by omission is still a liar and the trust is 100% completely and totally gone. Oh, I’m sure she’d have the perfect explanation for why she’s friends with them again and that she’d swear she hasn’t told them a damn thing about me, but you know what? I don’t want to hear it. I don’t care and I don’t want to hear from her again. She can have the crazies!

Normally I wouldn’t care if you had friends I didn’t care for, but these people are just too damn crazy. Like potentially dangerously crazy. If you’re even remotely connected to them, I don’t want a damn thing to do with you. Especially if you can’t tell me about it and you have no problem divulging information about people you know they would otherwise not want you divulging.

Peeked in on Mary, too. It’s still shopping away her bad boy’s money. Probably knocked up now, too.

Later…

I asked a handful of other my-diary writers if they too, receive nasty feedback at times (I got a message yesterday telling me I was an evil spawn, blah, blah, blah), wanting to get a sense of whether or not this is common or if I’m being singled out and targeted for some reason. Many have said that yes, they too, get some really mean, rude stuff at times. I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised. If people can hide in the shadows of anonymity, they’ll spew all kinds of negative shit.

My NC visitor did return to Blogger the next day, but if it’s Maliheh, she hasn’t picked up my mail. I don’t think it is her and I think she’s ignoring my message. She could’ve just not checked her mail or disabled cookies, but I think she finally got sick of reading my messages, not that I often send them. I just wanted to see if I could get a match on my NC reader.

I’m at the point where I’m seriously considering deleting my nieces on Facebook. I don’t want anyone on my list who truly doesn’t want to be there. I commented on her profile picture and I got not a word in response.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 2, 2014 OMG, what a spookfest in here! We're bombing for damn sure this weekend. How do you drown a spider down your shower drain in SCALDING hot water, then watch it climb back up just minutes later??? :((( CREEPY! After I post this I suppose I should go see if I need to drown the 8-legged bastard again. Maybe three time is the charm in this case.

Just spotted another one on the hall ceiling, but fortunately, Tom was there to get the damn thing. Friday morning we’re gonna blow these fuckers up.

As for the bees, I was dismayed to hear Tom say he counted 8 dead panel bees instead of 6 when he pulled the panels down to dump the casualties. He taped up the one that’s broken so that if they are still coming in where we think they’re coming in from, they will remain inside the panels till he can spray more foam in that area.

Tammy left a message and said her medical books are packed but as far as she knows, they have to find out if it’s a virus or a bacteria and that antibiotics don’t usually work. Well, then HOW do they treat it? I asked her on Facebook and she said she’d leave me a message.

I just want to know why each and every appointment leads to more appointments! A dental checkup leads to cavity appointments, ears lead to unnecessary hearing tests, eyes lead to an OH/specialist, blood work leads to broken thyroids, and now a pussy probe leads to biopsies and ultrasounds! Argh! :(

At least I lost another pound, though I’m still sleeping shitty. I kept waking up constantly and was up for two hours before I could fall back asleep yesterday. Tom thinks the melatonin is messing me up and that after a few days of backing off of it, I’ll sleep better. I hope he’s right!

“Nervous” returned from the dead last night, pissed me off, then made me beat his ass down good. He was an annoying guy who was kind of obsessed with me when I was in my 20s and he was in his 40s. He died of a heart attack in his 50s in the 90s. After I beat him up I bent his arms behind his back and tied them like shoelaces.

Then I went to pee and saw the water in the toilet was all discolored. A warning?

TUESDAY, JULY 1, 2014 When someone pointed out that eating yogurt can help with female problems it hit me that the burning and itching hasn’t been as bad since I started eating these 80-calorie yogurts again. Maybe I should keep up the habit.

I’m still feeling a bit overwhelmed with all the medical stuff going on. Female problems, OH, cavities, hypothyroidism, high cholesterol, ear issues… am I forgetting anything? Oh well, nothing’s killed me yet.

Meanwhile, I hope the bees won’t be back today. I don’t think they will. Tom really sealed the hell out of the only areas they could’ve gotten in from. The spiders took over when the bees quit, so we’re definitely going to bomb first chance we get. Really hate it, though, when I spot a spider, run to get something to kill it with, then find it gone when I return. I got one in the bedroom, but the 8-legged bastard in the living room is still hiding.

It was a bit creepy walking under the bee graveyard when I went into the kitchen, but Tom will eventually pull the panels down and get them out of there. I’m actually glad for the drop-down ceiling because it helped contain them. If not for that they’d be all over the house.

Even though it aggravated my knee a bit, I went for a much-needed bike ride at midnight. It was so nice threading through the streets in the dead of night when all the world was asleep. Or most of it anyway. I rode for about 20 minutes. The dog on the other side of the circle didn’t go off on me like it did at 11pm last night. I’d be sooo pissed if I lived next door. They obviously don’t allow it indoors much. It’s penned up in back of their carport most of the time.

The internet vigilante contacted me again. She is showing up on my tracker, too. She’s coming up as being in a place called Lake Mary, Florida. I’m going to avoid her whenever possible because she comes off as very vengeful. Even she’s admitted to stalking, bashing, harassing and seeking revenge on people before, and something about helping put people away for those Nigerian and other scams.

It’s ironic that as soon as she reaches out to me my North Carolina visitor stops coming to Blogger. I asked Miss Vigilante if she was over there, but she said she only read my bio on Prosebox. Strange how no time is registering on the visitor log. It doesn’t take just a minute or two to read my bio.

Curious to see if Maliheh may be my North Carolina visitor, though she’d have to have moved quite a ways from Fayetteville, I sent her a bullshit message which I coded saying that one of her friends on Facebook contacted me. Nothing in any part of NC has appeared on my visitor log yet.

[sasquapossum]

Cold Weather and Plumbing

I’m going to start with the lesson that has been learned here. In a cold climate, a hot-water-based heating system (the type with either freestanding or baseboard radiators) should never be turned all the way off so the pipes don’t freeze. Setback temperatures exist. Use them. The rest of this post is about what can happen if you fail to heed this basic advice.

Let’s rewind to March 2020. Yes, just before the pandemic. I mean, really just before. I was working in Seattle, as (it turns out) was one of the first US cases of COVID. When I came back, I’d have one night at home before a week skiing and snowboarding with another family in Colorado. Long-time readers might recognize this trip as the one where I accidentally stole the other family’s rental car key and only realized it at the airport, leading to me calling Lyft on the plane to guide a driver with the key to our AirBnB. Great story, better in longer form, but not the one I’m telling today.

While I was still in Seattle, things got cold back home. A pipe to the sauna unit in our master bedroom, which we had never used, burst while my wife was playing D&D with friends. Hours later, she came back to find it was raining ... all the way through the master bathroom and into the garage. Plumbers and remediation specialists worked both before and after we left for Colorado, managing to save the bedroom floor, and property insurance did pay for it. When we got back, things were back to normal except that you could see light from the master bedroom both into the attached bathroom and down into the garage.

Fast forward to this summer. Both the main AC unit and the smaller master-suite unit failed - fortunately just after what turned out to be the worst heat wave. As part of the project to replace both with heat pumps, the garage ceiling finally got fixed. I personally spent about a week up on a ladder with joint compound along the drywall seams and fire-block foam around the edges. All was good again.

So ... yesterday. Coldest day (actually night) in years - down to -12°F with a howling wind taking wind chill down to -33. Pretty early in the morning, my wife reported that her water wasn’t running. She had already turned off the water and opened the taps to prevent a freeze. Heat still seemed to be working, though, and we also deployed some electric heaters to warm things up further. Made arrangements to postpone our planned trip to see our daughter (only three hours away driving), and settled in to see if we had escaped disaster. In the mid-afternoon one of our periodic tests resulted in flowing water, so it looked like we had. Still, better to wait a day and make sure.

Back to the lesson part. This had apparently happened because Dear Wife had set the heat in the master bedroom all the way off. It’s not as totally crazy as it sounds. For the last several years, her body temperature has been super hot (yes I have a hot wife) and she prefers cooler temperatures. That’s a large part of the reason I sleep all the way at the other end of the house, because I’m the exact opposite. (BTW younger folks always think this is weird or ominous. OIder folks - even those in entirely healthy relationships - often react with “that sounds great” or similar. Also, snoring. No, I won’t say whose.) The heat pump in the master bedroom generally works so well that no auxiliary heat is needed. Still...

Now we’re all the way up to this morning. Wife comes in again. It’s raining in the basement again. She’s almost in tears. As it happens, I had been awakened a half hour earlier by some odd-sounding gurgles from the heating system, but it’s a noisy beast at the best of times and things still seemed to be working so I rolled over and went back to sleep. However, once we’re moving stuff out of harm’s way in the garage etc. I’m more alert to any kind of anomaly and I notice that the furnace/boiler is humming continuously. It doesn’t usually do that, so I investigate and see that the pressure gauge is reading zero. That gurgling was the water draining out of the system. With dread in my heart, I turn off the furnace too.

At this point my wife’s already calling the plumber. She suggests that I should call the furnace folks too. I point out that there’s likely no problem with the furnace except for its water supply, and they wouldn’t be able to do anything about it until the supply is fixed anyway. Turns out I was right on that one. There’s some knowledge that I feel homeowners shouldn’t need to have, but experienced ones often do because of experiences like this.

Amazingly, the plumber comes less than an hour later. He quickly confirms that it was indeed a heating pipe that broke, and not too much later that it can’t be accessed from below. We’ll have to go in through the vanity in the bathroom, which means another visit some time in the next couple of days. Meanwhile, I figured out how to set the fancy thermostat so it would run the main heat pump at lower temperatures than it had been, but still well within its design range, which should be good enough all by itself for at least the next several days. The plumber also turned the water back on, minus the one line for heating in that part of the house. The separate heat pump there is even better than the main one in the cold, so we should be set there too.

Now it’s just a matter of getting that pipe replaced. And fixing the drywall/insulation that got soaked and removed (fortunately only one spot rather than the whole thing this time). And dealing with insurance. le sigh

[multifics99]

Ahhhh this post got so many notes! Here’s an unedited excerpt from the merman!san fic im working on

it was any normal day for you at work out in the middle of the ocean on a boat, testing the parameters of the water to figure out why all the coral is dying off. It honestly seemed like frivolous work to you because you already knew, too many assholes in the world polluting the ocean. Nevertheless you had to follow the standard procedures of the lab. You zipped up your wetsuit and started getting into the water to collect your samples, arguably it didn’t have to be done this way but you also just wanted to snorkel for a bit too. As you swam over the reef you saw all the typical species you always did, but they never ceased to amaze you. The different colors and shapes of the sea life is what drew you to this job in the first place. Now if the coral was all alive and not mostly dying it’d look perfect. You collected your samples while you swam and once you had what you needed you made your way back to the boat.

“How are the reefs looking today?” Your boat partner Yunho asked as you climbed back up onto the boat. “Sad and lifeless” you replied.

“Well” he sighed, “that is why we’re out here.” You handed him the samples, “here go set these up and I’ll come supervise you in a minute when I get this suit off.” Yunho groaned, “I really don’t think I need to be supervised anymore.”

“Sorry but you’re the intern and I’m the biologist.” You said as you threw your wetsuit to the side. Yunho walked over to the testing kit and began to pull things out, “don’t forget” he said “just last year we were sitting in the same classes together” you came up to the kit with him to watch him set up. “And then I graduated early”

It was true, you had gotten your masters degree a year early. You were always a good student and you were eager to start working so you spent many sleepless night studying and taking more classes than you could probably handle in one semester. It was worth it though because now you worked for your top choice laboratory and you were able to score your best friend an internship.

“Alrighty” yunho said as he started dipping the testing strips, “let’s see what we’re working with here” after waiting some minutes for the results it seemed that the water parameters were decently normal, very mild traces of chemicals used for fishing but that was almost anywhere in the water. These didn’t explain what was happening to the coral on the reef though. “Huh” you grumbled “the only other explanation is that this is a harvesting site for aquarium shops and hobbyists.”

“It’s kinda far out from town though”

“Well usually when people are doing something illegal they don’t wanna get caught” yunho simply nodded his head in agreement. You two had started to pack up and were about to get ready to head back to shore when a loud thud came from the opposite side of the boat. You both shot your head up in shock and scrambled to see what it was. If it was some sort of large dead animal or large piece of trash it was something to be investigated. Neither of you were prepared for what was in the water. Instead of an animal or trash it was a man. He was unconscious and floating on some sort of life preserver.

“Jesus Christ!” You exclaimed, “Yunho we have to help him!”

“Shit, fuck, holy shit!” Yunho shouted as you two leaned over just far enough to grab the man and haul him over onto the boat. Once you two had managed to make sure he was safe and still alive you finally noticed he was completely nude. “Yunho…” you trailed off as you simply pointed at the man’s naked form. “God, I-i have another pair of shorts” while yunho scrambled to find some clothes the man started to wake up.

“Hmm” you heard him mumble as his eyes slowly fluttered open. He barely even coughed, as if he hadn’t almost drowned. He slowly sat himself up, but he seemed wobbly, so you rushed to his side to hold him up a little. He spit out a little bit of water before finally taking a good look as his surroundings. Yunho came back with the shorts and you reached out for them and set them in the stranger’s lap. The stranger looked at you, up and yunho and then back at you.

“H-hello” you stuttered. You took in the sight of him. He seemed to be average height, and he had nice sort of glow to his skin. You noticed very quickly that he had a very athletic physique. What stood out the most about him though was his hair, it was a bright teal.

He looked back at you now, his facial expression riddled with confusion.

“Hello?” He replied, but it sounded like a question. “Are you okay?” You asked, not daring to allow your voice to raise above an audible whisper. “I, uhmmm, I mean…” he was clearly very disoriented. You lightly grabbed his arm and helped him stand up, him still holding the shorts over his lap. You pointed to the garment, “you can, uhm, you can put those on.” He silently nodded his head as he slipped the shorts on. Yunho was much taller than him though so he still had to hold the shorts up with his hand to keep them on. It was better than nothing for the time being. All three of you just stared at each other now, the strange man utterly confused, and you and Yunho having no idea where to go from here.

“Uhmm, so what’s your name?” Yunho asked. The man stayed silent for a few more seconds though, possibly trying to process the question. You made a mental note to not let him fall asleep in case he might be concussed. “It’s..San” he finally muttered out. You cleared your throat, “okay San, we understand you’re not in a great condition right now, we’re going to take you back to shore to check you out, right now what i need you to do is sit down and relax.” San just nodded his head and went to sit in a seat on the boat. Before he got too comfortable though you said “oh and don’t fall asleep we don’t know if you have a concussion.” Once again he nodded and just turned his head to look out onto the water instead

okay hear me out....merman San...

you're a marine biologist who's out working on a boat with your lab partner Yunho when you hear something hit the side of the boat only to find, a man. It looks like he was lost at sea, you take him in but as you learn more about him the more odd he seems. He says he got lost swimming with friends. Way out there? He has no phone number to contact anyone, and as weeks go by with him staying in your home his blue hair doesn't grow any roots. Who is this strange yet beautiful man?

[princessisfinethx]

Invisible Man x Reader pt. 2

Watching him eat was… disturbing. He chewed the rice and potatoes you made at a normal pace and you watched it become mush by his invisible teeth. You then watched as he swallowed, the mush traveling down his throat, down his chest and into what you assumed was his stomach. He took a sip of water and you watched his pause as he swallowed. “How fascinating that food and water still appear while inside me.”

You nodded. “Indeed however it’s not a pleasant sight to behold.” You wrote down in your journal the results of eating. “Perhaps it will disappear later on?” You glanced down at his pants. He didn’t need to wear a shirt but you both agreed he should wear pants for the time being. 

“Maybe. When it's digested, it may disappear.” He spoke between bites, only eating half the plate before he placed it down on the table. You nod and check the time, noting you should check in maybe three hours or so. You scribble in your journal and look back up at him. He was standing before you. You frowned at being able to see his lunch so close up. “Now I need you to hit me, preferably on my arm.”

“I can’t see your arm Griffin.” You sit up straight. “And why do I need to hit you?”

“To see how bruising affects invisibility.” He grabbed your hand and placed it on his forearm. “Hit here. As hard as you can.” You nodded, setting your notebook and pencil down. You bring your fist back and slam down on his arm. You look up after doing so. “Is that really the hardest you can hit?” His voice was soft, between real concern and sarcasm. If he had been visible, you think he might even have been holding back a smiling. 

“Well I haven’t exactly been trained in hand to hand combat.” You sigh. “Was that not enough?”

“No that wasn’t enough at all. Here.” A small stool floats up, you grab it and frown deeply. “Use the leg-end of the stool. Hit me here.” He guides your hand again and you nod. 

“I understand this is for science but this seems very um,” You glance at the stool in your hand, trying to find the words. “This seems violent Griffin.”

“Oh please, worse has happened because of science. It’s not like we’re killing anyone. Now, hit my arm as hard as you can.” He let go of your hand and you nodded, eyeing the empty spot where you knew his arm was. You lifted the end of the stool and slammed down, feeling it come into contact with his arm. He hissed after the strike. “Perfect, now we have to wait for that to bruise.” He took the stool from you, turning it around in his grip before placing it on the floor. “Now onto our next test, I don’t believe we need to make any incisions.” He lifts his hand that he had cut yesterday.

You can only barely see some scarring but one that would heal within the next week. You nod and pick up your book. “Should I take a blood sample anyway?” You asked without looking up.

“Hmm, yes. It would let us see how needle insertion would appear, and give me blood to study to better create an antidote.” He walked away with you only hearing the sound of his bare feet across the stone tiles. When he comes back, he hands you a syringe and gauze wrap. You watch as the pair of pants sits down on the stool in front of you. You hold your hand out and Griffin pushes his arm into your grip. 

You press on his arm, eyebrows scrunching together in confusion. “You may have to find your own vein and point it out to me.” You feel his free hand brush past yours. It takes a minute, but he pulls your hand to his arm, pressing where to puncture. 

“There, right where your fingertip is.” He mumbles and you didn’t realize how close his face was. You bite the inside of your lip but continue with the syringe. When you take a blood sample, you notice you can see some of the vein from where you took blood. Only a small trail of it became red. You pulled enough blood and set the syringe down then cleaned the small wound. You wrap the gauze enough to keep him from bleeding out. 

“There.” You smile. “Nothing violent.”

“Unless you were faintish at the sight of blood.” He mumbled. “Good thing you aren’t.” You smile a little proudly, not sure if he saw it. You then pick up your notebook and continue scribbling. After that, you place it down and look around the room. The floating pair of pants was placing the now vile of blood into a cabinet.

“You’ll have to do a urine sample as well, however I don’t believe the invisibility affects your digestive tract. Or, at least not urinating.” You pause. A thought crosses your mind. You frown at such a suggestive thought. What about when he…

“I’ll do a urine sample on my own time when I need to.” His voice was monotone from across the desk. “I will let you know the results once I do. No need to worry I won’t make you handle any of that.”

You smile, a little relieved. “Thank goodness for that.” You look down and frown. Should you bring it up? It is for science after all. How often does he even- Stop. You felt your face heating up. “Griffin, do you think you should…also conduct a-”

“Conduct a semen test?” He had finished your sentence and you cleared your throat. You could feel him staring but you knew if you looked up, well you wouldn’t see it. “Yes I also had thoughts about that.” He coughs lightly. “Like I said before I will handle that on my own time.” 

The room became silent. You stood and took the half empty plate of food to the kitchen. You sigh but can’t make the red from your face go away. After cleaning the dish as well as a few others, you dry your hands and walk to the lab room. Then you heard a knock at his front door. You saw the pants that Griffin wore stand up. You then curse lightly and run to the changing board. You quickly take off the shirt and pants, hurrying into your dress. “Who’s at the door?” Griffin spoke low enough for you to hear from behind the board. The sounds of more clothes rustling came from behind the wall, guessing he was also putting on more clothes.

“I don’t know, let me dress back into my daily attire and-” There were four more knocks on the front door. 

“Hurry up then!” You heard his footsteps as he walked away. You sighed and finished getting back into your dress, grabbed a broom and walked to the front door. 

You crack the door open and smile softly. “Hello, this is the Griffin Residence-” Your smile faded slightly. At the door was your fiance, a tight smile on his face. 

“Ah darling dearest, so this is where you work.” He pushes the door open and pushes past you. “Housekeeping another man’s home?” He was looking around at the walls and ceiling, eying the staircase then looking back at you. “Do you clean his home when he’s here? And why do you keep it so dark in here?”

You frown, setting your broom down. “How nice of you to show unexpected and invite yourself in, Jonathan. If Gr-… Mr. Griffin finds you here without his permission he’ll have me fired! Or worse he’ll perhaps call on the police!” He ignored your warning and walked towards the lab room. You grabbed his arm. “You are trespassing on another gentleman's property!”

His eyes shot down at your hand and your face flushed. You let go and looked down. "How dare you, grabbing me as if I were a child!" He stepped closer to you and you stepped away. 

"Jonathan please this is no place to…fuss. I work here." You kept your eyes down, both hands gripping the broom. 

"Ah, yes, use that line again. That poor excuse." He had his hands on his hips now, reaching up to wipe his nose. "I work all day, stressed as ever and I come home to find an empty home, no food on the stove, the fire place dead and cold. Don't you understand how miserable I feel?" You nod. "Don't-" He grabbed your shoulders and pinned you against the wall, making you look him in the eyes. "Look at me! And don't lie again because you, do not understand. If you wanted to be a good wife to me, you'd be home right now, running my bath." He let go and scoffed. "Instead you're here…cleaning after a mad man…What was his name again hm?"

And a voice from the top of the stairs called out. "I should ask you the same." Steps slowly coming down the stairs. He stops only when he's in view. "You intrude on my housekeeper, insult her and lay your hands on her?" Griffin was wearing wrappings around his face, he was in a dress shirt now, more appropriate pants on and shoes as well. Hair of some kind sticks out the wrappings on his head and upon his face was a pair of sunglasses, sitting atop a strange looking nose. 

Jonathan chuckles. "She is my wife."

"Even more the reason you should keep your hands off her in such ways." He walks down the stairs, getting uncomfortably close to your fiance. You could see him become tense as he eyed the wrappings and such. "Now then. Shall I call upon the police for breaking into my home?"

"No…no sir." Jonathan steps back and glances at you. He seemed to remember why he was here and straightened his back. "I was making sure my wife was safe is all. And that she gets home on time."

"I will assure your fiance gets home in time." Griffin never looked away from him. This seemed to trouble Jonathan even more. He nodded. 

"Very well. My apologies for disrupting her duties." He looked at you, "No later than 7. Goodbye." Not even daring to kiss you or hug you, as long as Griffin stood there, he turned on his heels opened the door and walked briskly into the cool evening. 

After the door closed, Griffin made a sound of bitter disgust. "How could a man be so crude and miserable towards you? He must-" He turned to you and hushed. You were holding back a sob, covering your face with one hand while the other remained holding the broom. He reached out and took the broom from you. "Don't cry now, he's gone."

You nod but keep your eyes closed, hiccuping into your elbow. "I never meant for you to see. He doesn't…always, hurt me." You look at him and suddenly laughed, coverying your mouth and nose again. "What in God's name are you wearing Griffin?" When he scoffed you laughed again. This caught him off guard but, at least you weren't crying. 

"Its a disguise. Before the invisibility I would just cover myself if I had to go out. Not always but sometimes." He pulls off the fake nose. "It worked did it not? Am I not a genius? A mad man as that blundering poltroon stated." He pulls half of the wrapping off, setting the glasses to the side. It was quiet for a moment until he spoke again. "Do you wish to go home?"

You looked up at him, at the nothing that sat upon dressed shoulders. What your fiance said had you in knots. It was a wife's duty to serve her husband, that much was true. However, you weren't his wife yet. He couldn't call you property, right? You shook your head, then shrugged. "Well I cannot just, not return home."

"And what will be waiting for you hm? His psycological abuse, next his physical abuse?" You wipe your eyes again. "No, I'll not have it. Stay here tonight. I have two extra rooms that haven't been touched in years." He was already walking away and you were quick to follow.  

"Griffin if I stay he'll be worried."

"Let him be. Perhaps he'll find himself drunk or asleep instead." His arm waved a bit and he walks into a spare room. "Here. You'll sleep here tonight." He looks to you and you look up at him. You cross your arms with a look he's never seen you give. It was almost a scolding look.

"Griffin. I don't want him to be angry with you. Or even call the police. What if…" You became distressed. "What if he breaks in and becomes violent or, or accuses me of affairs?"

"Let him believe what he wants. I am doubtful the fool is even loyal…" He quieted himself as he watched you look away. "He will not break in. He won't lay a finger on you. Not while I'm here in this house. Understood?" You gave a small nod. "Go wash yourself up, I will fetch you nightclothes." He turned away and you grabbed his shirt, making him pause. 

"You're sure you will allow me to sleep here tonight?" Your eyes searched for nothing, but Griffin couldn't look away. "If I cause you trouble, I won't bother you with my presence. You have the say so." 

"You're very right." He took your hand, placing his other invisible hand over yours. "I do have the say so, and I stand by my word."

[rebeccccccaaa]

𝔻𝕒𝕚𝕤𝕚𝕖𝕤

___________________

ʙᴜᴄᴋʏ ʙᴀʀɴᴇs x ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ

sᴜᴍᴍᴀʀʏ: Bucky gets hit with that god awful (but really hot) sex pollen. (this was requested)

ᴡᴀʀɴɪɴɢs: Dub-Con/Non-Con as per usual with sex pollens fics (although i try to write them as consensual as possible :T) Smut obvi (18+ minors dni), slight daddy kink, age gap?, public male masturbation; it's brief but still

TW: very brief mention of possible suicide

ᴀᴜᴛʜᴏʀ's ɴᴏᴛᴇs: hot

____________________

“Where are those daisies we collected from the last mission?” Tony asked you, eyes staying glued to the hologram in front of him.

“I left them on the quinjet. Fury said to wait for transportation until Shield confirms safety. It’s literally in a glass case, but whatever,” you rolled your eyes, making the older man laugh.

“Just protocol, kid,” he snickered.

Meanwhile Bucky sat with Steve eating lunch, chatting it up like old men do.

“So what did you bring back from the last mission? I saw a bunch of agents in hazmat suits,” Steve said sipping his coffee.

“Uh, well Thor said we should bring some plants back for research, but it seems like a bunch of normal lookin’ daisies,” Bucky shrugged.

“Y/n loves daisies,” Steve smirked.

“Ok?”

“And you love Y/n,” Steve teased.

“No I don’t-”

“Hey boys!” you skipped past the kitchen.

“Y/n,” Bucky said standing up with a big goofy smile on his face.

“Where ‘ya going?” Steve asked with a chuckle.

“Quinjet. Fury gave us the go to start doing tests on that plant you brought the other day,” you smiled lightly jogging to the runway.

“Why don't you ask her on a date, Buck,” Steve nudged.

“Come on, she’s way too smart to go out with a dumbass like me,” Bucky joked.

“Seriously.”

“I don’t know. It’s been years since I’ve talked to another woman. It doesn���t come naturally anymore. Wha- what’s even the first I’d say to her?”

“I don’t know, man. I’m on the same boat with you. Just… Tell how nice she looks today when she comes back.”

“Really?” Bucky asked skeptically.

“Yeah, be nice to her.”

“I am nice to her.”

“I mean be extra nice. Flatter her,” Steve told him, “Go wait in the lab until she comes back and tell her she looks pretty today.”

“Isn’t Tony in the lab?” Bucky asked.

“Ha ha, yeah,” Steve teased, patting his back before leaving to his room.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Tony mumbled seeing Bucky waltzing in the room awkwardly.

“Nothing,” he mumbled back.

Tony dropped his hands and stared at Bucky with an unimpressed look on his face. Everyone but you knew about Barnes’ little boy crush on you but he’s never had the balls to say anything. You were close to Tony and seeing as though he doesn’t particularly like Bucky, he didn’t want you hanging around him. But you were an adult so of course you hung out with whoever you wanted.

He was sure you liked him back too which never ceased to make him roll his eyes.

You walked back from the quinjet with the glass container of daisies. You weren’t exactly a plant expert but it was apparent that these daisies were mutated seeing as though the pollen swirled around the flowers gracefully. It was beautiful but then again they might be extremely dangerous considering it was a Hydra experiment.

“Hey Y/n, off to the lab again?” Steve smiled.

“Yup, gotta check these babies out according to Thor; said they might be dangerous if they’re what he thinks they are,” you said, still walking.

“And what’s that?” you just shrugged at his question unsure of the answer yourself.

“Well, Bucky’s waiting for you in the lab,” he slipped in the conversation.

“Really? Why’s-” Crash!

“Oh no,” Tony mumbled, seeing the collision in action.

“Shit, I’m so sorry,” you stuttered.

“No, no. I should be sorry. Here let me help,” bucky knelt to the ground grabbed the fallen daisies with his bare hands.

“No! Don’t touch-” Tony shouted practically sprinting towards you two.

The golden pollen swirled in a misty manner engulfing Bucky completely. You stared with furrowed brows confused at the sight before you and what was going on. Bucky’s skin began to burn and his senses were being overloaded. All he could smell in that moment was you; the same scent that he got a whiff of this morning when he hugged you, the perfume and the shampoo that filled his senses when you walked passed him.

Tony pushed you out of the lab roughly throwing you in Steve’s arms who was just as confused.

“FRIDAY,” Tony called out.

“Yes, Mr. Stark,” the familiar voice answered.

“Lock all the doors to the lab and maybe turn on the a/c,” he commanded.

“Of course, Mr. Stark.”

All the glass walls and doors instantly shut and locked, locking Bucky inside. Bucky’s eyes found your and slammed his body against the glass desperately trying to reach you. You too ran up to the glass wall trying to understand what had happened to him. Everything was happening so suddenly.

Your forehead was pressed against the glass as was Bucky’s; both of you staring into each other’s eyes momentarily. In that moment, you could see his eyes turn golden for a quick second before his pupils dilated ridiculously before your eyes.

“Is he going to be ok?” you turned away.

“Y/n! Please!” Bucky’s muffled screams shocked you.

“Uh… where’s Thor?” Tony panicked.

“What the hell is happening?” Nat asked; Sam, Wanda, and Vision trailing behind closely.

“Nat,” you ran to her.

“What happened to Bucky?” Same asked.

“He- I ran- I ran into him by a-accident and the box dropped. There was mist everywhere and Bucky's eyes. His eyes,” you stammered breathlessly.

“Please! I need her!” Bucky hit the glass in an attempt to break it.

“Oh my goodness,” Wanda gasped at the sweaty Bucky hitting and practically going feral.

“Oh god, is he gonna be ok?” you teared up. This is your fault, dammit.

“I can asure he will experience no physical harm,” Thor’s voice made all of you turn around.

“Just physically? What the hell does that mean?” Sam argued.

“Well, uh… I’ve never actually seen it’s effects in person. Especially not on a Midguardian…” his voice trailed off and his eyes grew big.

Nat snapped her head, eyes widening as well. Bucky with absolutely no shame held his hard dick in his hands pumping it with his eyes trained on you. You went to turn around seeing nat’s expression but she covered you eyes before you could actually see the lewd behavior Bucky indulged in.

“What’s happening?” you asked holding onto Nat as she led across the room.

“Nothing, they’re gonna take care of Buck. Don’t worry about it,” she said quickly.

You sat in your room bouncing your leg as the movie on your TV played. Every now and then Bucky would moan and cry particularly loud making all of you wince and cringe. But your mind felt foggy simply thinking about Bucky and his safety; especially that moment when his eyes went from confusion to you don’t even know what. Hunger? Desire? Lust?

Whatever it was, it made your tummy flutter.

“Steve, any news on Bucky?” Steve stood at the doorway with a worrisome face that did nothing to ease your already panicked nerves.

“Well, as far as Thor knows the plant that was mutated with the daisies was pollen extracted from a breeding plant common among other galaxies; for species that can’t… reproduce like we do. The pollen enters the system and targets the nociceptors causing excruciating pain without physical harm. If untreated the victim can reach a traumatic state and truthfully, they will do anything to stop the pain; even kill themselves.”

“What the hell does any of that mean?” Sam grunted.

“It means the tin man is painfully horny,” Tony interrupted.

“Are you fucking serious?” Sam said in disbelief.

“What’s the cure?” Nat said.

“Oxytocin, of course,” Tony said.

“The cuddle hormone,” you whispered.

“Yup. Banner and I are already working on a serum containing artificial oxytocin in hopes to minimize the pain or even better cure him completely. We-”

“I’m afraid it’s going to be a bit more complicated than that,” Thor interrupted Tony.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, see the pollen, it’s a little tricky. The oxyputin-thingy you mentioned…”

“Oxytocin,” Tony clarified but Thor didn’t care too much.

“I don't think artificial love is going to cure the boy. If you want results, he needs to be the one he desires most. That’s where you’ll get your oxy-pudding.”

“Oxy- You know what, we can figure this out without anyone needing to have sex,” Tony groaned.

“Tony, maybe we shouldn’t-” you started.

“Nope, we can do this. We’re science bros,” Tony stormed away like a child.

“Isn’t your lab being ‘occupied’,” Nat called out.

“Shit!”

-

Hours went by and the oxytocin experiments were clearly a fail. The first dose did nothing. The second also nothing. The third relieved him for only ten seconds before he went back to his painful state. Since then, they haven’t been able to help or relieve Bucky’s circumstance any longer.

You thought about Thor’s words, about how the one he desires most could cure him. A ping of jealousy struck your heart but you knew you to find the woman Bucky loved and just pray that she'd help him. You made your way back to the lad area where Tony and Bruce had their new makeshift set up while the lab was locked down.

“Tony, this is ridiculous. It’s been going on for too long. You heard what Thor said about what happens when it gets too much,” you begged.

“And what do you suggest we do?” Tony said angrily.

“We need to find the woman that Bucky loves so she can help him,” you argued back.

“It's not just some woman, Y/n! He wants you.”

“What?”

“All the bastard’s been doing for the past eight hours has been masterbating while moaning your name. I’m not putting you in that situation,” Tony yelled.

You couldn’t speak. Was he telling you the truth? Did Bucky want you like that? The same way you secretly wanted him? It’s not like you haven't thought about what being with Bucky would be like before. He was perfect; so handsome and charming.

You ran back to your room where the rest of the guys still were practically out of breath; your heart hammering out of your chest and your stomach fluttering like it does whenever you think about Bucky.

“I need to get to Bucky,” you panted out.

“What?”

“Please you guys need to help me. Tony said that Bucky wants me; I mean can you believe. A guy like him wanting me? I’m just… nobody. He’s way too out of my league and-”

“Y/n, focus,” Nat said.

“Right. I- I want to help him. I know I can.”

“Y/n, we don’t know how dangerous this is. I mean, it came from Hydra, this could be weaponized and you could get hurt,” Steve argued.

“Bucky could never hurt me,” you whispered; Nat looked at you softly, understanding the situation better realizing you were probably Bucky’s only chance of a cure.

“You’re not actually considering letting her do this are you?” Steve scolded Nat.

"Are Tony and Bruce making any progress?" she sighed.

"They haven't been to even relieve his pain for longer than ten seconds," you whispered.

"Steve, this is Bucky we're talking about. Hasn't he endure enough torture in his life?" Nat said softly.

That seemed to convince him. Seeing Bucky in so much pain like he had been only years ago was unfair, especially when they technically already knew a cure. Waiting this out was pure evil at this point.

"How do you suppose we go about this?" he asked.

You devised a plan in order to let Bucky from the lab; he'd find his way to you on his own. Wanda stood from afar using her powers to tamper with the equipment. Tony frustratingly would have to run across the compound to the conference rooms to grab new devices in order to continue with his notes and tests.

On his way back, Steve and his convincing and charming ways would stall Tony's return asking him all sorts of questions about Bucky's state. Meanwhile, Thor made up some excuse to lure Banner away just for a minute so Nat and Sam could override the lockdown through Friday and free Bucky.

All the while you sat in your room waiting anxiously for Bucky to barge through the door and have his way with you.

A few minutes went by and no sign of a ruckus you'd assume would accompany the escape plan. You fiddled with the hem of your skirt biting your lip in anticipation. Still no sign after a couple more minutes. Wanting to make sure you still looked alright for Buck, although he'd probably not even acknowledge your appearance, you stood up to walk to your bathroom.

Just as you stood up, Bucky in all his muscle and broad glory slammed the door behind him staring at you with nothing but desperate hunger. Your stomach flipped when you saw him lock the door, pushing a small chair you had just next to it in front of the door under the handle.

He stalked towards practically panting and you took in his appearance. His hair was quite disheveled and sweat lined his forehead and slightly down his neck. Despite that, he still looked so handsome and sexy.

"маленький, all dressed up for me to ruin," he growled crawling up the bed as you crawled back.

"Buck, are you ok? I want to help you," you whispered.

"I'm more than ok now, beautiful," he whispered leaning into you, his nose brushing against yours, chuckling when you visibly trembled.

"Is my красивый маленький ангел gonna let me use her?" he whispered, huskily.

"Bucky, I don't understand what you're saying."

"так драгоценно," he whispered against your lips before pressing himself completely against you.

His hands, contrast between hot and cold, crept under your shirt brushing lightly over your delicate skin. You had somewhat expected Bucky to have no control and use you relentlessly, of which you wouldn't have minded, but this soft ginger foreplay was really making your panties wet.

Bucky slowly lifted the shirt from your body before tossing it to the side and removing his own. His hands cupped your breasts squeezing the soft flesh quite roughly making you sigh and moan at the feeling.

His lips attached themselves to your neck biting and sucking harshly littering your skin with dark purple marks. He nibbled on your ear as he grinding his pelvis against yours, his large erection poking your center making you even more aroused.

"I couldn't stop thinking about you. It smelled just like you," he whispered.

"T- The daisies?"

"I've been craving you, aching for you. Thinking about how good you're gonna feel wrapped around my cock," he panted speeding up his grinding thrusts.

"Buck," you breathed out.

Bucky shuddered over you before stilling for a moment. He couldn't help it, your scent, your warm skin pressed against his, he couldn't hold back anymore coming straight away in his pants.

You brushed his hair softly soothing him from his high. You thought it was over, that he felt better and was finally cured but almost instantly you felt Bucky harden under you, poking between your thighs and you gasped knowing very well it was going to be a long night.

Bucky stood on his knees and pulled your bottoms down your legs nearly ripping the material. He too rid his bottoms throwing them god knows where before climbing back on top of you. You stared adorably up at him and Bucky almost came again. He smiled softly at you before kissing you once more.

Suddenly, loud bangs on your door startled you but not Bucky.

"What the hell are you doing!" Tony screamed.

"Tony, you gotta stop! This is the only way! It's not fair to him to let him keep suffering. He's done enough of that, ok?" Nat shouted.

"She's gonna get hurt," Tony sighed.

"No she won't. This was her idea."

Tony looked back teary eyed. He really cared for you as his own and putting you in a situation like this wasn't fair to you either. He really tried to help but this was just too complicated and too advanced to solve in only a few hours. They were right, Bucky needed you as much as he didn't like that idea too much.

"Fine."

Bucky lined his cock with your entrance wrapping your legs around his waist. Slowly he pushed in pulling moans from you both. You've only had a couple lovers previous to Bucky but neither of them ever filled you so perfectly. Bucky stretched you out like none other and admittedly he wanted to use his fingers on you first but he'd been away for too long it was too painful to go another second without being inside you.

"So tight and warm, little one. Feel so fucking good wrapped around me."

"Buck," you moaned.

You wrapped your arms around his neck pulling him impossibly closer to you as you kissed along his neck and jaw. Bucky moaned breathlessly in your ear and you couldn't help the clenching around him from arousal.

"Fuck, keep doing that, little one," he groaned.

Toy squeezed your thighs together and clenched around him again making him groan louder this time. His thrusts became sporadic and you moved against like a ragdoll unable to keep up with his relentless pace.

Your legs began to shake and your back arched into his chest reaching you first high of the night, gushing all over his cock. You realize he hasn't come and gently push him off you before flipping over to let him take you again from behind.

As expected, Bucky pushed into once again deeper this time and you shuddered under his hand that rested atop your arched back. Bucky smacked and kneaded your ass thrusting in and out. The lewd squelching sound of his thrust mixed with the sound of skin slapping against each other echoed in the room.

"Shit, little one. Taking my cock so fucking well," he reached forward and bunch up your hair pulling your head back harshly.

“Shit,” you mumbled.

Your knuckles turned white as you gripped the sheets as hard as you could. You were approaching your orgasm quickly and you weren't going to be able to hold back any longer. Your pussy clenched around Bucky's cock making him throw his head back in pleasure.

"Please, Bucky," you whimpered.

"You wanna come, darling. You wanna cream all over daddy's cock?"

"Yes! Fuck!" your arms shook before giving out completely; your head buried in the sheets as Bucky continued that same wild and rough pace.

"Please let me come, daddy!"

Your body felt on fire. No one has ever made you feel this good before, it was almost too much, too overwhelming. Tears brimmed your eyes from trying to desperately hold back. You wanted to come with Bucky but seeing as his pace had yet to slow down you were beginning to think he wasn't even close.

"Let go, doll."

Your body squirmed beneath him as you released all over his dick. You came with a near shout, your body violently trembling from the intensity of your high. Bucky slowed his pace for your comfort, gently riding your orgasm slowly down despite his still aching erection.

He languidly rolled you over to your back, his hands softly rubbing your sides up to your breasts. You breathed heavily, eyes feeling droopy, all you could feel in that moment was his cum dripping from you onto the sheets.

Bucky, still knelt on the bed and still chasing his release, lifted your legs over his thighs gripping your hip with one hand and his cock with the other. You squeezed your thighs together when you felt his tip poking at your entrance once again, soft whimpers emitting from you shakily.

"Such a good girl. Gonna let me take you again? Gonna let me keep using you?" he moaned.

"Use me, Buck. I'm all yours," you breathed out.

Bucky pushed himself past your folds once again, your cum easily letting him slide in. Both his hands made home on your hips gripping hardly surely to leave marks for you to remember this very moment. You looked at Bucky as his thrusts slowly began to pick up, bringing your own hands to your breasts to play with your nipples. You twisted the perked buds, moaning softly at the feeling as well as Bucky filling you perfectly once again.

"Filling me up so good, baby," you moaned, arching your back slightly allowing Bucky to hit a newer and deeper angle inside you.

"Pussy was fucking made for me," he growled.

His hand moved from its home on your hip right over your lower belly where he could feel his cock so deep poking his own hand through your tummy.

"Feel how fucking deep I am?"

You moved your hand and he pressed yours in the same spot under his and you moaned loudly, shuddering under him.

His pace quickened and for a moment he thought he was going to finally reach his high, that release he'd been thinking about for hours today, but when he felt you clench again, squeezing his cock tightly and he didn't cum, he knew it was gonna be chase that he didn't know you'd be up for. You gushed all over his dick, back arching and your legs pressing tight around his torso, coming with a loud scream of his name.

Bucky fell forward with tears in his eyes. His skin still felt hot and sticky. His sense felt dialed up to an eleven. It was all so overwhelming and all he wanted was to cum in you and hold you closer whispering how he really loved you. He pressed faint kisses to you equally sticky and warm skin and when you felt warm liquid dripping onto your skin to lift Bucky's head to find him crying.

"What's wrong, baby?"

“I can’t cum. I just wanna cum,” he whined.

“Hey, hey. It’s ok. I can go as many times as you need me to. I want to help you, let me do that.”

“Can- Can you uh… use your mouth please? I want to feel those pretty lips wrapped around my cock so bad,” he moaned.

“Of course, baby. I’d do anything for you,” you smirked before pushing him and crawling over him holding his dick in your hand.

-

Hours and literally hours had passed until Bucky was finally tired out only having cum three times compared to the fifteen-plus times you had. Your bed laid on the ground; the wooden stands snapped about two hours ago. Most of your sheets were torn to shreds and marks littered your body from your neck down to your hips and your knees from, well you know.

Your body shook as you laid in a fetal position. You burned between your thighs; the soreness overwhelming but pleasant at the same time. Sweat made what was left of the sheets stick to your body until Bucky pulled them from you to clean you. He used a warm towel all over your body with tears in his eyes whispering how sorry he was about everything.

“I swear I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I’m so sorry. I understand if you hate me now; if you never want to see me again. Just know that I’m so sorry about your bed, the blankets, if I hurt you, everything,” he sniffled, eyes and nose red and puffy.

“Bucky,” you whispered, your voice raspy and croaky from your moaning and screaming all night.

“Y/n,” he whispered back. You pulled him by the back of his neck into a soft yet passionate kiss.

“Fuck, you’re so beautiful,” he breathed out when you pulled away. You cupped his face with shaky hands but a smile on your face.

“Do you mean it?”

“Of course. You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met. I’ve dreamt about holding you far too many times, more than I’d like to admit. I should’ve told you sooner but like everyone else, I was scared you didn’t like me back; at least not this way,” he rubbed your legs indicating the intimate love he had for you.

“Buck, it’s virtually impossible for anyone not to fall in love with you. Unless they’re Tony,” you giggled as did he.

“Can you say it?” he asked softly.

“That I love you?” you smiled brushing your nose against his; Bucky practically purred as he nodded.

“I love you, James,” you whispered.

“Fuck, I love you too.”

He laid you down softly again on the broken bed pressing light kisses all over your collarbones and shoulders. You brushed his hair with your fingers as he clung onto you ready to sleep.

“Thank you again, doll. For helping me today,” he said after a couple minutes of silence.

“Of course, my love. Besides I’m the one who ran into you with those damn daisies.”

“Thank god for them then. And for your clumsiness,” Bucky chuckled.

“Meanie,” you snorted, making Bucky laugh even more.

“I love you.”

“I love you too, Buck.”

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[yourmidnightlover]

all my fault

Request: spencer and y/n are married, and they’ve been trying to have kids, and then she finds out she’s pregnant. a few weeks into the pregnancy, she has a miscarriage, and at the hospital the doctor said it’s bc she had an abortion as a teenager, and it fucked up her it yet us. spencer didn’t know she had an abortion, and blames her for the death of the baby, and they end up sleeping separately for a while and they have to grieve by themselves. spencer ends up talking to emily about it bc of her experience and it has a comforting ending!

Summary: when reader has a miscarriage after trying to have a baby with spencer, and things about her past are revealed and leaves things rocky within their relationship.

CW: miscarriage, pregnancy, mention of abortion, spencer’s rly harsh at first, teenage pregnancy, mentions of surgery, a cervix condition that i kinda made up, depressive thoughts, negative self-worth, HAPPY ENDING. *please let me know if i’ve missed anything*

A/N: i’ve been working on coming up with a series, which i posted last thursday! i’m sorry i haven’t been as consistent with my schedule, this summer has really taken a toll on my mental health and school is about to start back up. i promise i’m not quitting writing, but my writing might become a bit more sporadic in terms of my posting schedule. i’m still not sure if i like how i’ve executed this piece, so please let me know what you think!

IMPORTANT A/N: this contains serious topics centered around pregnancy and abortion. reader end up blaming herself and it is a very triggering subject to some. if you aren’t comfortable with those kinds of depressive thoughts PLEASE DONT READ. i don’t want anyone to be triggered by my writing. your mental health matters. you matter. do not read if your sensitive to the subject matter, please!

———————————————————————

when you and spencer checked the third pregnancy test and saw those two, very clear lines on the stick, you felt an unbelievable amount of joy.

“oh my god,” you clamped your hand over your mouth, your eyes welling with tears.

“y/n…” he held his breath, holding your free hand with both of his own.

“you’re gonna be a dad,” you huffed out a laugh as his arms flew around you.

“and you’re gonna be a mom! we’re gonna have our own little family,” he cheered as he breathed in your scent, elated from the news he had hoped for since you said ‘i do.’

spencer had wanted to be a father since he met henry, you remember how attached he was to the child who wasn’t even his own. you hadn’t always wanted children, only when you were absolutely ready for them. now, you were more than ready.

your arms flew around spencer’s neck as his went around your waist. he dropped to his knees and began pressing kisses against a bump that wasn’t even visible yet, praising you and your body for carrying his child.

because it was so hard for you to get pregnant, spencer decided to baby you every chance he got. you didn’t do the dishes or sweep, you weren’t allowed to reach for high shelves or even step on a chair to do so. he was worried about you and the baby, so you let him. you found it endearing.

the perfect man that you married was so worried about the little bean inside of you, worried for your safety, that it drove him a bit mad. who were you to complain? each time he’d do one of the new little quirks like not letting you lift anything above 10 pounds, you just smiled to yourself and brushed it off.

being pregnant was something that you had lost hope for, in all honesty. spencer had been talking to a few friends who had adopted children prior to finding out you were pregnant. if this hadn’t worked out, the two of you were going to look into adoption.

spencer had planned your doctors appointment for 6 weeks after your last period. the appointment was in three days. and then the perfect outline you had for your future went down in crumbles.

you had been having pains in your lower abdomen, and you figured it was just because you were pregnant. you went to the bathroom like you normally would when you felt queasy, kneeling by the toilet in preparation for what was to come. only nothing came.

you decided to just go pee and get back to bed. there was a pain that wasn’t like you’d felt before when you were peeing, like someone had been pulling your intestines out of your body. when you looked down, you felt your stomach drop.

“spencer!” you cried out. “spencer, hurry!” you felt tears well in your eyes until he ran up beside you. his hand was on your thigh as the other one was trying to steady your shaking hand.

“what is… oh,” he looked in the toilet to see blood inside of it.

“spencer… what happened? i don’t know what happened. everything was doing so well and the baby-we just found out and now they’re-wh-what’s gonna happen?” you rambled out, unsure of how something this horrific happened so quickly.

“i-i don’t know, my love,” he pressed a kiss to your forehead. “i don’t know. but we’ll go to the hospital right now, okay? we’ll get answers.”

you just nodded. you couldn’t speak anymore. you felt your throat closing in on yourself. you cleaned yourself up and got dressed. even looking in the mirror with spencer’s arms around you, you didn’t feel anything but guilt and worry.

spencer’s touch would usually be something to ease your mind and take away the thoughts of everything else around you. only this was something wrong inside of you. you were the problem this time. and you didn’t think anything could fix this feeling.

“let’s get to the hospital, yea?” you nodded as he held onto your hand, trying to ground you to himself as he guided you to the car.

you were silent the entire drive to the doctor. there was nothing to say. there was nothing to do. there was just… nothing. you were numb.

“hey,” he spoke up, “we don’t know what happened yet. there’s a chance it’s just a fluke, right? the baby might be okay.”

“what’re the statistics, spencer? tell them to me,” you ordered as tears flowed from your eyes.

“y/n…”

“tell me! why don’t you want me to know?!” you accused him, looking over at the man driving as he but his lower lip. “1 in 4 women who experience bleeding during a pregnancy are fine. 25 percent. the other 75 percent of people have either a miscarriage or serious complications. those are the statistics.”

“y/n…” he sighed, “it’s not your fault. you didn’t want this to happen. besides, there’s still a 25 percent chance that nothings wrong.”

“whatever,” you rolled your eyes and opted to look out of the window for the remainder of the drive to the hospital.

-

“alright,” the doctor entered the room. “we have the results from the test and we’ve examined the ultrasound pictures. i’m so sorry, but you’ve had a miscarriage.”

what were you supposed to feel? an overwhelming sense of sorrow? like a failure? like the one thing you wanted most in the world fell through?

“how-how did this happen?” you spoke through the tears. “we were so-we were careful. i didn’t lift heavy objects, i didn’t do repetitive motions, i just… we tried so hard to make this work,” you shook your head in disapproval, as if you wouldn’t accept the answer that had already been proven to you.

“there’s proof of an abortion when you were a teenager. there was severe damage done to your cervix that wasn’t assessed pre-pregnancy. now, we can repair the damage within the next two months, but it will still be difficult to become pregnant after the surgery,” the female informed you.

“then what’s the point of getting the surgery?” you scoffed, looking at spencer who was just staring off in space.

“while getting pregnant will still be difficult, maintaining the pregnancy is much more likely. the fetus would be more protected and secure after the surgery,” she explained with a pitiful smile, you couldn’t help but wonder how she could smile after giving you the worst news of your life.

“right,” you nodded curtly, allowing her to sense the mood of the conversation.

“i’ll leave you two be. i’m so sorry for your loss,” she gave the both of you a pitiful smile before exiting the room, the only sound audible being the closing of the door.

it didn’t feel real. it felt as though you were in a nightmare. only this time, you wouldn’t wake in spencer’s comforting arms. you wouldn’t hear the soft soothing voice of the man you love trying to calm you down. you wouldn’t feel the solace he would provide by merely being himself in your proximity.

the drive home was eerily quiet. there was an inkling of animosity between you. looking over at spencer in the driver’s seat, he had a dead look on his face, the only sign of previous emotion being his red-rimmed eyes and tear-stained cheeks. he didn’t even look like your spencer. he looked like a stranger in the drivers seat with a cold expression that you could barely read.

you knew this was something you should talk about. when the nurse came back in the room it was only to offer a few referrals go therapists that specialized in this kind of grief. clearly, any couple should talk about losing an unborn baby. but you knew that’s not what spencer was truly upset about.

you waited until you shut the door to your apartment before saying anything.

“maybe we should talk about it?” you whispered, not knowing how he’d react.

“about what? the fact that you’ve lied to me for our entire relationship?!” he wouldn’t even turn around to face you. “i thought we were in this together, y/n. we aren’t supposed to keep secrets from each other - especially not any that just killed our child!”

“hey…” you winced at his words. “why would you say that?”

“that’s the truth! your choices when you were a teenager just killed our child! my child!” he finally turned to face you, and you wished he hadn’t.

“do you think i knew they would botch my abortion, spencer?! do you think that’s what i wanted?!” you stepped closer to him, he sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

“i don’t know what you want anymore, y/n,” he shook his head, clearly exasperated.

“i want you. i want to get the surgery to fix my cervix. i want to grieve our child. i still want kids… with you, spencer,” you tried to ease the mood, calm him down. you reached your hand out to cup his cheek before he dodged your touch, afraid of touching you. “but you don’t want that?” you whispered so quiet, too afraid of the answer to raise your voice.

“i-“ he sighed and bit his lower lip. “i don’t know.”

“right. of course you don’t,” you shook your head before sitting on the couch, dropping your face in your hands.

“what’s that supposed to mean?” he scoffed as he took off his coat.

“it means that: of course, you’re making this about you! it can’t be about us grieving our loss together like the doctor recommended?!” you peeked between your hands at the man you still didn’t recognize.

“maybe we shouldn’t grieve together since we can’t even have a conversation without getting angry at one another,” he tried to reason.

“the only reason i’m getting mad is because you’re blaming me for my baby’s death,” you spat back at the doctor before you.

“because it’s your fault!” he stood strong in his belief. “when you were a teenager, did you or did you not have an abortion?”

“i did,” you admitted.

“and the nurse said that in said abortion, they screwed your cervix up! if you didn’t have that abortion, our child would still be alive! we would be on our way to become happy parents!” he accused, rubbing salt in the already stinging wound. “it’s your fucking fault!”

“stop saying that,” you shook your head and dropped it back in your hands, trying to hide the tears that began to flow down your face.

“it is, y/n! i can’t believe you’re even trying to say this isn’t!” he chuckled, clearly getting under your skin.

“shut up, spencer!”

“i can’t, y/n!” he sat in the chair across from you before standing back up, too hyper to sit. “no wonder it was so hard for you to get pregnant.”

“spencer,” you begged him to stop, meeting his face with your teary eyes.

“y/n,” he stared you in the eyes, and you saw a glimpse of the man you loved for a second before he retreated to the bedroom.

you sat on the couch in confusion of what had just occurred.

when you were 15, you’re boyfriend was adamant about taking your relationship “to the next step.” you didn’t think you were ready to have sex, but you wanted him to stay with you. so, you gave in. it just so happened to be that you were one of the lucky girls that ends up getting pregnant her first time in spite of birth control and a condom. you couldn’t tell your mom about your pregnancy, she’d have your head on a pole.

so, you earned enough money from your job to get an abortion yourself. you went to a clinic and had your boyfriend’s mom come with you to sign as your guardian. was it smart to get an abortion that cheap? probably not. but you had no other choice. your mom had made it abundantly clear that if she caught you fooling around with him that she’d kick you out.

you were 15. you were young and still had to finish high school. there was no support system for you. you would’ve been on the streets with a little baby - not to mention the amount of debt you’d go into for just giving birth to a child in a hospital. it was the only choice.

and now you were being berated for making the only choice you even had - and by the person you loved most in the world.

you curled into yourself on the couch, laying your head on the arm and crying into the fabric. you released all of the tension and turmoil. you held onto the cushions as if it were the man that you wanted - no, needed to comfort you. because as much as you’d hate to admit it and try to fight those thoughts, part of you thought that spencer was right. it was your fault.

you fell asleep on the couch that night. you didn’t have the strength to get up to grab a blanket so you just sucked it up.

spencer didn’t sleep at all. he was used to having you curled into his chest, or himself on yours. he felt terrible about how he had talked to you, but he was too stubborn to admit anything just yet.

in the middle of the night he went out of the room to grab a glass of water. he saw you curled up in a ball, you head resting on the arm of the couch as you slept. it was the most peaceful you looked in the past 24 hours. but you began shivering as you slept. you were probably too exhausted to get up to do anything.

he went to the hall closet on a detour and grabbed your favorite, soft blanket and laid it on top of your body. after placing a soft kiss on your forehead, he went into the kitchen and made his glass of water before taking one more glance at you. you had snuggled into the blanket, pulling it up to your chin with a gentle smile that always appeared when he kissed your forehead as you slept.

maybe he didn’t screw up too badly, after all.

the next few days were spent avoiding one another. spencer couldn’t face you after knowing you had kept something so dire from him for the entirety of your relationship. you couldn’t face him after he made you feel as though it was your fault you lost your baby.

you would stay on the couch all day, barely eating or drinking anything while spencer would go out - only mentioning the library or the office to do more paperwork. eventually he just started sleeping at morgan’s house - probably because he couldn’t stand being around you.

you didn’t know how to grieve your baby, you were hoping that spencer might help, but that clearly won’t be happening. on top of that, you were worrying about your marriage. he couldn’t even look at you, how was he supposed to talk to you and sleep beside you?

a lot of times, it’s perceived that the only reason women were put on this planet were to have children - of course that’s a false notion, but it didn’t make it sting any less. your body had betrayed you. you had betrayed yourself.

it was only 12 days after spencer left when he came back home, if he could call it that anymore. once he walked into the living room, he saw you curled up in that same position on the couch. you had a blank stare that was directed towards the black tv. the only evidence that you were doing something was the empty water bottles surrounding you - certainly not enough considering he’d been gone for over a week.

when he entered you didn’t even flinch. your gaze stayed on the empty screen and your face remained vacant of any emotion.

in all honesty, morgan was the one to tell spencer he should check on you. spencer hadn’t told him everything about your argument, he knew he was in the wrong. but he was just so angry. regardless, he was here now, and it’s a good thing he was.

you hadn’t been taking care of yourself. spencer had morgan and savannah checking on him, but you had nobody. he only realized this when morgan pointed it out. and as upset as he was, spencer would always love you. your expressionless face only worried him more. your clothes had been changed from when he last saw you, but he doubts you’ve had a shower.

he stayed silent as he began picking up the empty water bottles from around the table and couch. you looked at him quizzically with furrowed brows.

“what’re you doing?” you asked, your chin already quivering as tears threatened to stream down your face.

“i’m trying to help,” he whispered as sensitively as he could, making eye contact with the most pitiful face you’d ever seen.

“i think you’ve helped enough,” you rolled your eyes before resuming your serious stare-down with the television. “you can leave.”

“no, i can’t,” he replied, sitting down on the opposite end of the couch while being sure not to touch you - he didn’t know if you were ready for that.

“you already did,” you brought to his attention, briefly looking at him. “just go.”

“y/n, i-“

“i don’t want to hear it! what’re you gonna say that could make me feel worse, spencer?!” you let the tears fall past your waterline. “i know it’s my fault. i know i screwed up! and i’m sorry! i’m so sorry!” you replied with far too much sincerity, the tears streaming down your face before he scooted closer to you, planning on wrapping his arms around you. “stop! don’t come near me!” you pushed his shoulders away. “it’s my fault,” you lowered your voice significantly before wrapping your arms around yourself.

he had called emily as soon as he got back into the bedroom. he knew she had previously had an abortion when she was a teenager, and he just needed to hear her side of it. part of him didn’t even expect her to pick up the phone.

“reid, what’s wrong?” she immediately answered.

“i-i think i need to talk to you,” he whispered in a hushed tone.

“right now?” she asked in a mildly concerned tone.

“if you can? the sooner the better,” he answered honestly.

“alright. you want to meet somewhere or just come over?”

“can i just come over? it’s really personal and i wasn’t sure who else to go to,” he began tying his shoes and hoping she’d agree.

“of course, come on over,” she replied in a worried voice.

“ok. i’ll be there in twenty.”

he quietly left the apartment, not before sparing you a regretful glance. he lost his child, but you also lost your child as well. he just couldn’t control his anger. and partially, he thought he was right.

how could you not have told him about something so serious? the second you had began having issues getting pregnant, maybe you should’ve been open about previous pregnancies.

“hey,” emily greeted before giving him a hug after seeing his teary eyes. “come inside.”

“thanks,” he sniffled before stepping into her apartment.

she guided him into her living room and sat down on the couch beside him. they sat there for a few silent minutes before he was able to work up enough courage.

“y/n was pregnant,” he whispered, barely audible if she weren’t right beside him.

“was,” she pointed out, already feeling as though she knew the rest of the story.

“she uhm-she miscarried two weeks ago,” he somberly admitted for the first time to someone else. “the doctor said it was because she had an abortion when she was a teenager that somehow ruined her cervix.”

“and that’s why you felt like you needed to talk to me?” she gathered, she was a great profiler for a reason but this was far more obvious.

“i was pretty harsh. i-i told her it was her fault,” he bit his lower lip as he grimaced. “i really rubbed it in, too.”

“spencer… “ she sighed, taking a deep breath before continuing. “you’re mourning a life, right now. obviously, that would raise tensions and emotions would be heightened. but… have you apologized? for telling her it was her fault?”

“no?” he replied after thinking about it. “i was going to do that today but she’s… she’s not in good shape. i’m not saying she needs to be perfect, but while i was at derek’s i can tell she didn’t take care of herself. she barely drank any water.”

“did you ask her why she had an abortion? why she didn’t tell you? did you ask her anything about how she’s feeling?” emily asked once more.

“no,” he cowered down, feeling even worse about the truthful answer. “i was just… selfish. i didn’t think about how she’s feeling. i just-i feel so bad now, seeing what state she’s in.”

“when i got an abortion it was because i wasn’t ready for a child,” she began to inform him. “i was a child, myself. how was a child supposed to take care of another one? my mother would’ve been disgraced. i basically had nobody there for me. i kept it a secret because having an abortion is so controversial. i knew people would look at me differently for making a responsible decision for my future.”

“god, i feel so bad,” he began to tear up himself. “i love her so much and i told her these horrible things.”

“make it right, spencer,” she gave him a supportive smile and pat his thigh before he stood up.

“i-i have to go,” he wiped the tears from his face before giving emily a hug, grateful she would listen to him at such an ungodly hour.

he quickly drove back home, where he decidedly belonged in the first place. he never should’ve left home. he never should’ve left you. you were his home, and he didn’t know how he could possibly lose sight of that.

“y/n,” he cooed as he entered the apartment once more. it was noticeably a bit more clean. the trash was taken out, the dishes were done, and your hair was wet from a shower - he assumed. “hey,” he smiled when he saw you sitting on the bed, cheeks still red and tear-stained with red, puffy eyes.

“hi,” you sighed as you brushed your hair, spencer sat down beside you.

“how’re you feeling?” you shrugged. “i need to apologize to you,” he admitted, placing a hand on your thigh. “i’m so, so sorry for what i said. telling you that it’s your fault that we lost our child… i-there’s no excuse. i was clearly upset, but so were you. what i said was so out of line, and i’ll never be able to express how sorry i am to you.”

“you’re right,” you shrugged. “it was my fault.”

“no,” he rubbed his thumb on your skin. “it was not your fault. i’m so sorry i made you believe that.”

“when i was 15 my boyfriend at the time pressured me to have sex. we used a condom and i was in birth control but i still-i still ended up pregnant,” you began, taking a deep breath before continuing. “i couldn’t tell my mom because she would’ve kicked me out, so i saved up some money and had his mom take me to a cheap clinic. she signed as my mom and i got the procedure done. that was the end of it,” you finished tears streaming down your face. “a few weeks after the procedure i started having pains in like my lower back, but i didn’t think anything of it. so… it is my fault. i shouldn’t have gone to a cheap clinic, but i couldn’t live on the streets with a baby and no way to clothe or feed them.”

“y/n,” he got your attention, wiping the tears from your cheeks. “you were a teenager who had no other choice, love. it’s not your fault, it’s the clinic’s.”

“i just… it hurts so bad, spencer,” you shook your head in defeat before he wrapped his arms around you. “not even just emotionally, my body physically hurts so bad. i don’t know what to do and i thought i lost you and i didn’t know what i would do without you because i didn’t think you loved me anymore because it’s my fault,” you ranted out, sobbing into his shoulder before he moved the two of you around the bed to lay down, you on his chest.

“i’m so sorry you had to go through that, and that you’re still dealing with the repercussions,” he pressed a kiss to your forehead. “but know that i’m not leaving you. i love you and nothing will ever change that.”

“there’s nothing we can do now,” you whined, clutching to his shirt as if he’d disappear once more.

“we can go to the recommended therapy. we can get that surgery to fix your cervix,” he reminded you, rubbing circles onto your back as you sniffled. “then, if you’d like, we could try again for a baby.”

“so you still want to be with me?” you whispered by his ear, clearly worried of the answer.

“of course i do,” he said as if there were no other option; there wasn’t. “i’m so, so sorry, love.”

“the reason i didn’t tell you is because,” you sighed as you shuffled on top of spencer, now sitting on his lap and facing him. “because there’s this stigma that comes with having an abortion - and i didn’t know how you’d react. i also didn’t know it didn’t go well in the first place, but that’s a different story,” you chuckled. “i’m sorry. i should’ve told you about something so serious.”

“you don’t have to apologize,” he brushed a strand of hair from your face. “that was from your past. this is our future, we shouldn’t get caught up on it and allow it to ruin this.”

you nodded, “you’re right. are-are you staying here, now? or are you going back to derek’s?” there was an obvious look of hope in your eye that spencer never planned on squashing.

“i’m staying here,” he smiled. “home. you’re my home.”

“you’re so cheesy,” you rolled your eyes as a laugh left your lips.

“i’ve missed your smile,” he pressed a kiss to those very lips, your smile not going away but growing even bigger.

“i’ve missed you,” you pointed at his chest. “please don’t leave again.”

“i won’t. ever again,” you held your pinky out, he smiled and wrapped his own around it. “i’m so sorry.”

“we’ll work at it,” you sighed. “we’ll build back the trust and fix my stupid cervix and then maybe try again for a baby.”

over the next few months spencer and you had been going to therapy once a week, mourning the loss of your baby and working through your other issues.

five months after you found out about the miscarriage, you had the surgery to fix your cervix.

one year after you fixed your cervix you and spencer began talking about having a child. you were extremely nervous, rightfully so. you voiced your concerns to spencer about what if the surgery didn’t work? what if your cervix wasn’t the only issue? and he replied by reminding you that you would both take this one step at a time.

seven months after having the conversation with spencer about having children, a miracle had caught up to you.

you were pregnant.

taglist:

@averyhotchner

@greenprisca

@muffin-cup

@spenxerslut

@spencerreid9

@spencyreidpls

@spencerreid9

@spencersmagic

@calm-and-doctor

@the-local-pendeja

@spencersrose

@spencersmagic

@shemarmooresfedora

@pastelbabygirl19

if you’d like to be added to the taglist, please don’t hesitate to message me or leave a comment!

[johaerys-writes]

Shiro/Keith | Voltron: Legendary Defender | E | Ch. 3/3 

Summary: During a fight with the Galra, Shiro and Keith are sucked into a wormhole and flung to the far edge of the universe. They land on an empty and unfamiliar planet, with no way of contacting the castle, but Keith isn’t too worried. Things could be worse— at least they have each other.

Until Shiro collapses.

Read on AO3 | Read from the beginning

“Blood sugar levels are normal, heart rate a bit elevated but nothing out of the ordinary, liver enzymes intact. Overall, I’d say he’s as healthy as a flimhog in its prime!” Coran says cheerfully as he reads Shiro’s vitals off the chart displayed on the pod’s monitor. “It’s like he was never sick at all.”

“But he was.” Keith frowns, arms crossed before his chest. After making it back to the castle, Coran has kept Shiro in the medbay, running every test on him that there is. Shiro’s looking better now, much better, but Keith can’t shake the worry that still lingers. Shiro was very sick. There was something seriously wrong with him, and it could still be there, ready to come back at any moment.

“What caused those symptoms in the first place?” Keith insists. “Can’t the pod just figure that out?”

Coran purses his lips in thought as he goes over the data again. “Usually, foreign bodies like viruses or bacteria leave some sort of trace after they’re gone, even if it’s just the antibodies the body produces. But there’s nothing here that I can see. Only the imbalances caused by the high fever.”

“I might be able to help,” Pidge says beside Keith. “I got some samples from the planet you were on. Perhaps if I run a quick comparison with similar strains on Earth and the places we’ve visited so far, the results could point us in the right direction. Hopefully it will tell us more about what happened to Shiro.”

Coran ticks some numbers in his data pad, then transfers the information to the main computer. Pidge cracks her knuckles and gets to work, the numbers on the screen reflecting on her glasses as her fingers swiftly tap the keyboard.

Keith waits anxiously while the computer processes the information. Shiro is still in the healing pod. The contact fluid is surrounding him, drifting through his hair like underwater currents. Coran had to give him an anaesthetic to prepare him for the examination, and his features are now soft as if with sleep. It makes Keith’s heart ache.

Just a little bit longer, he thinks. We’re getting you out of there soon.

“Right! That should tell us something.” Pidges presses a button when the computer starts beeping, and a list of numbers a mile long comes up on the screen. Keith can’t make heads or tails of it. “Hmm… that’s interesting.”

“Well?” Keith says, his foot tapping on the floor. “What does it say?”

“It looks like he had some sort of allergic reaction.” Pidge frowns at the screen, her brows pinching together in concentration. “This planet you were on: did you notice anything unusual about it?”

“No… not off the top of my head. It seemed fine to me. The suits didn’t detect anything wrong. The air was clear, just a tad too highly oxygenated.” When Pidge doesn’t respond, only continues to squint at the screen, Keith stomach tightens. “Why? Did you find something?”

“So, the planet’s atmosphere is composed of oxygen, nitrogen, argon, carbon dioxide, traces of neon and methane and—”

“Yes, just like Earth,” Keith interrupts impatiently. “What else?”

“And,” Pidge says pointedly, “an extensive web of microscopic symbiotic creatures. Now, most planets with some sort of lifeform have those, right? But these are different. They are necessary for the native life to thrive, and impossible to filter from the air. But if they are inhaled by non-native life, they can cause severe anaphylactic shock. Not only that, they seem to be highly aggressive towards alien life-forms, inhabiting the body for a while after until they are successfully dealt with by the immune system, like a bacterial infection. A few seconds of exposure is enough.” She turns back to the screen, staring down the list of strange numbers and symbols. “This is fascinating. I’ve never seen anything like this before.”

Keith’s blood runs cold. He stares at Pidge as if he doesn’t understand. “So that’s what made Shiro sick? The air of this planet?”

“That’s what it looks like.”

Keith’s pulse thrums in his ears, making him dizzy. It can’t be— how can that be? It was Keith that told Shiro that the air in that place was okay. It was Keith that told him it was safe to take off their helmets. It was Keith. If he’d noticed earlier… if he’d somehow known—

“It’s all my fault,” he mutters. “I told Shiro— I just looked at the readings on my suit. Everything seemed normal. How were we supposed to know—” He snaps his mouth shut when the lump in his throat makes it difficult to speak. It was all his fault. He was the one that insisted they go after that cruiser in the first place, that dragged them into the wormhole, that put Shiro’s life in danger. He is the one that’s responsible for all this mess.

If it wasn’t for him, Shiro would have been fine. He would have been safe and sound and healthy in the castleship, and none of this would have ever happened.

Keith rakes a hand through his hair and looks away, tries to control his breathing. He can’t lose his cool, not now, not like this. Not in front of everyone. That’s a sure fire way to make everything worse, and that’s the least Keith wants.

“What about me?” he asks, jaw clenched tight.

Coran blinks. “What about you, my boy?”

“I took off my helmet too. I breathed the same air Shiro did. Why didn’t I go into anaphylactic shock too?”

Coran and Pidge exchange a curious look, then go back to staring at the numbers. “You didn’t have any symptoms?” he asks, leaning over Pidge’s shoulder.

“Nope.”

“No fever, no shortness of breath, no lesions?”

“Nothing, I was fine.” Keith shakes his head. “How is it possible that I was fine, and this happened to Shiro?”

“Now that is the million groggery question, Number Two!” Coran says, way too happily given the subject at hand. “One that we shall have to have a look into. But for the time being, let’s get you some anti-allergy medication, shall we? Just to be on the safe side. You never know when those pesky symbiotic creatures might hit!”

Though it is the last thing that Keith wants, he still endures stoically as Coran pricks his finger to take a drop of blood to examine it, then checks his pupils and his mouth with a flashlight that makes his tongue itch. After some careful deliberation and an extensive look through his manual, he hands him a pill, which Keith chases down with some water, and gives him a strict warning not to eat any zogglion fruit or Uggirlon moss juice.

“Though delicious, they are absolutely the worst when in combination with the medicine I just gave you. The reaction could be deadly! I’d stay far away from them right now, if I were you.”

“Yeah, I wasn’t planning on having any, don’t worry,” Keith replies, wrinkling his nose in disgust when he remembers the slimy quality of the zogglion fruit —or whatever it’s called— when Coran presented it to them the week before. Keith isn’t particularly picky with food, but he’d rather starve than eat another bite of that thing.

He waits outside the medbay while Coran runs some last few tests on Shiro. Allura, Hunk and Lance all arrive to keep him company, and though Keith isn’t particularly in the mood to talk, he still appreciates the distraction. He doesn’t really want to be left alone with his thoughts right now. His worry for Shiro, although duller now that he knows he’s okay and can be treated properly if something happens, still feels like a vice, gripping his stomach. He won’t relax until Shiro is there with them, until Keith can talk to him.

As soon as Coran’s tests are done, he drains the healing pod of contact fluid and they all help him carry Shiro to a medical table until the anaesthetic wears off. Keith sits by him on a stool, his knee bouncing restlessly. He wants to be there when Shiro opens his eyes.

Read the rest on AO3!

[excalculus]

Here we are, heading into another COVID winter.  The fucker’s still here and sadly we aren’t likely to get rid of it any time soon.  You kill diseases by cutting off transmission and slowly strangling them to death.  We tried that.  We locked down the whole world and it didn’t work.

I won’t deny that things look really ugly right now, especially with other respiratory diseases coming back.  But as the sequencing results keep coming in, it’s really starting to look like something incredible happened.

Sure, the lockdowns didn’t succeed in killing COVID.  That doesn’t mean they killed nothing.

Hey, I wonder how the influenza viruses are holding up?

There are two types of influenza that cause the epidemics we get every winter: A and B.  (C and D don’t really get up to the same level of mischief so let’s ignore them for now.)  Type A infects both animals and people, and includes things like the H1N1 bird flu pandemic strain, swine flu, et al.  The H[number]N[number] format points out which subtype of two important viral proteins it has, and usually strains are reported with that code, what animal they jumped into humans from, and where they were first sequenced.  Type B only affects humans, especially children.  It doesn’t have subtypes like Type A.  Instead it has two distinct lineages: B/Victoria and B/Yamagata. 

Today’s best flu vaccines are called “quadrivalent” because they target B/Victoria, B/Yamagata, and our best guess at which two Type A’s are going to blow up this year.  The guess is based on global sequencing of flu infections, so we have at least a decent idea of both past and current circulation logged in databases like GISAID and the WHO’s FluNet. 

Cases went way down during the lockdowns - masking and social distancing pushed spread down to a fraction of what it usually is.  Influenza in general is now back in force as people go back to their normal behavior.  There’s plenty of Type A flying around.  There’s been B/Victoria.

B/Yamagata has not been conclusively identified since March of 2020.

As early as 2021, flu researchers noticed the lack of new B/Yamagata sequences coming in and started to suspect something was fishy.  Look at this graph of GISAID flu data by lineage:

[GISAID] [paper]

Let’s, uh, check FluNet maybe?  That shows that in a typical year you see tens of thousands of cases of B/Yamagata on PCR tests.  2017 had 30,552; 2018 had 51,524.  Then... 3,464 in 2019.  364 in 2020 in only 9 countries.  It does seem like there are still signs of life in 2021 with 8 hits, but keep in mind these detections are based on simple PCR tests like what we do for COVID.  PCR tests are exquisitely sensitive, to the point where it’s been shown that giving flu vaccines and then later using the same room to give flu tests can throw a weak positive by picking up viral RNA from the vaccine.  More specifically, as of March 2022 there’s been a case of this exact thing happening with what looked like a B/Yamagata detection.  So it’s going to be more reliable to look at only the results from full sequencing, where you can yeet anything that matches the vaccine ingredients and only look at wild viruses. 

[paper]

Zero.  Nothing.  All signs point to we shot at COVID and blew up an entire flu lineage as collateral damage!  What the fuck!  We’re probably going to have to change how we do flu vaccines because fully a quarter of what they aim at looks to be gone from the face of the earth!

True, influenza B/Yamagata could still be out there somewhere that hasn’t been sequenced.  Proving absence is hard.  But the fact that Type A and its sibling B/Victoria are back and easy to find really does suggest it’s gone, or stomped down so far it’s near impossible to find.  Time to watch and wait and feed every sample we can into the sequencers, but if we keep not finding it...

A disease is considered eradicated when we’re sure there’s no more transmission “in the wild”.  For smallpox, which was also wildly contagious and also had no nonhuman reservoir, that was three years from the last known case. 

Clock’s ticking.

[goldnn-harry]

Hey love! Could we get a request where the reader is Harry’s GF and she hasn’t been feeling super well bc of Mother Nature. And she finds out from the gyno she’s got endometriosis and Harry is super supportive and comforting? Loads of cuddling and head kisses included 🥰😊

“my love, what's wrong?” harry mumbled. he'd woken up due to your squirming in the bed and light noises, which were moans of pain.

“nothing nothing, it's okay please go back to bed h,” you hated that you had woken him up, he had been super tired last night.

“baby, is it your period again?” he motioned to the hand resting above your uterus with a nudge of his head.

you nodded slightly.

“alright, that's it. we're going to the hospital come on,” harry got up immediately and walked to the closet to find something to wear.

“harry that's not necessary, please go back to bed,” your voice broke slightly as your cramps got even worse.

“y/n, i understand women have cramps but yours keep getting worse and that can't be normal. you can barely get up sometimes, and you're in pain all the time. pain relievers don't work for you anymore and neither do heating pads. maybe this is normal, which i doubt, but we're still going. you need to get checked out just incase.”

you sighed, knowing he was right. “can we go in the morning? it's 3am,”

he shook his head. “i think it's better for them to see what's going on in there while you have cramps. if they're gone in the morning they won't be able to. do you need help getting up?”

you nodded, and harry helped you up from the bed. he placed a quick kiss to your forehead and walked to the closet. “what do you want to wear?”

“hoodie and sweats are fine,”

he nodded and gave you a pair of your sweats and your favorite hoodie of his. then he put on a shirt (he left the sweatpants he slept in on) and helped you get your shoes on after you are both dressed.

with his help, you got in the car. he held your hand the whole drive, knowing situations like this made you nervous.

after parking at the hospital he said, “ready? everything's gonna be alright, i promise,” he smiled and kissed your cheek.

you smiled back and nodded.

both of you got out and walked inside.

inside, they made you do all of the basic protocol, and then you were put in the waiting room.

by the time you were called in, your cheeks were wet with tears from how bad your cramps were.

harry had to explain everything to the doctor due to your crying, and you just let him since he practically knew about your own body more than you did.

“alright, i'm just going to run some tests and you'll results should be done around half an hour after. follow me,” the doctor said.

harry kissed your forehead, then your lips, and let you go with the doctor to get your tests done.

after getting your tests, the doctor had to give you morphine because of the pain. so, you were just waiting in a hospital bed, harry holding you close, for your results.

35 minutes later the doctor walked in.

“alright y/n, your results are back. it turns out you have endometriosis, stage two. its mild, and it's not a threat. however it still does have consequences.”

to be honest, you didn't know much about the disease, but in your head any diagnosis couldn't be completely harmless so you knew something would go wrong. you squeezed harry's hand tightly as tears blurred your vision.

“it's okay baby, no need for tears alright? she said it was mild,” harry's voice was soft as he wiped your tears.

“yes, it is. however, onto the consequences. as you know, it brings on painful periods. this can also come with back and abdominal pain. it can also cause pain during or after intercourse, or pain with bowel movements and sometimes urination, these two are only during your period. your periods will be heavier, and you may bleed in between cycles. some more mild symptoms are fatigue, diarrhea, constipation, bloating or nausea, especially during menstrual periods. as you can see most of these only happen while you're menstruating. now, this condition can also cause infertility. however, your infertility test came back negative, and you're in fact very fertile. but, that doesn't mean you can't have problems conceiving in the future, if that's something you plan on doing. due to the fact you're so fertile now, i recommend maybe freezing some eggs. other than that, your body is perfectly healthy y/n. and i know i mentioned a lot of horrible things right now, but you need to understand this condition isn't the worst thing in the world and you can continue your life like normal with this.”

by the time she was done, tears were streaming down your face. you could feel harry constantly kissing your forehead and telling you everything would be alright.

“i'll give you two a moment,” the doctor exited the room.

“my love, it's okay. you see what she said? it's livable. you'll be okay, i promise you. it's okay,”

“n-o it's not,” your voice hiccuped, “she said even intercourse hurt. i can't even give you that!”

“first of all, is that what you're really worried about? and second, she said maybe. and even if we can never have sex again, i'm okay with that.”

“what if you wake up with a boner? what happens when you get horny?”

“baby, stop thinking about that.”

“and- and i may be infertile! i cant give you kids.” you sobbed.

“beautiful, did you listen to her? she said you're completely fertile. she said it was a possibility, in the future.”

“still h, still.”

“even so, we still have options. we can freeze your eggs, we can adopt, or we can even try now. anything baby. please stop worrying.”

you sighed and wiped your face. “i love you so much harry,”

“i love you too y/n. and i'll always be here, to help you and to love you.” he kissed your forehead and pulled you close.

[just-dreaming-marvel]

Unofficial Fathers

MAIN MASTERLIST

Avengers x Teen!Fem!Reader

Word Count: 5,450ish

Requests: I put two requests together for this one. I hope that it’s okay.

1-What about one with the Avengers and reader (maybe they have super speed???) where the reader is a teenager and super stressed out for whatever reason so the Avengers decide to get them moving by doing something with water (like water guns, balloons, slide, etc) with them. Just like fluff, I think it’d be kinda cute 

2-Can you write an avengers x teen!reader, where she lost function in both of her legs, which makes her really sad and depressed? The others have to help her with everything and she feels bad, so she ends up trying to do things herself, but gets hurt. Maybe steve and tony play a more significant role. Thanks!

Warnings: angst / fluff / paralysis / wishing to have died 

“Hey Speedy!” Tony called over the comms. “You’re up!”

“Finally!” You exclaimed.

The mission had started almost an hour ago, and the plan had been for you to hang out in the quinjet until you were deemed needed. Which annoyed you. Even though you were barely 17, you had been a part of the Avengers for almost 3 years. Longer than even Peter Parker.

Due to some freak accident during the Battle of New York, you somehow ended up with super speed abilities. That’s how Steve and Tony found you almost 3 years old. The two were in the city for meetings and you were zooming around helping people and playing pranks. You thought it would be fun to do something to those two. But before you could do something, Tony and Steve had you pinned to the wall with part of the Iron Man suit. Apparently, their ‘meeting’ was to actually find you and bring you in.

The whole Team was interested in getting to know you very quickly and get you properly trained. Natasha, Clint, Bucky, and Steve handled your combat training personally, while Tony and Bruce tested your abilities and created gear that would help you.

Steve and Tony, though definitely not a couple, took on the role of your parents. You even had begun calling them as such. Steve was Pa and Tony was Dad. They didn’t always agree on exactly how to handle you. But they loved you and that was a step above your real parents, who you didn’t even know.

“Y/N! I need you to get in the building and get anyone and everyone out!” Steve instructed. “As fast as you can! I think the building is going down!”

“You got it Cap!” You responded.

Using your super speed you rushed out of the quinjet and into the building. You zig-zagged through each floor. The first few were empty, but eventually you ran into some people. You quickly helped them out of the building to continue your search. You were almost done with you sweep when you felt the building tremble. You paused, glancing around.

“Kid!” Tony shouted in the comms. “The building is going down. Where are you?”

“Uh… I don’t think you want to know,” you responded.

“Please tell me you’re not still in the building, Y/N,” Steve said.

“I’m sorry, Pa. I’m almost done with my sweep. Just one last floor.”

“No, Y/N! Get out of there now!”

“Just one more floor!” You sped away to get to the last floor.

“I’m on my way to you, Y/N,” Tony said. “Meet me at the Northwest window.”

“Alright. I’m almost—“ 

You suddenly heard a loud cry. You turned to see a little girl huddled up in the corner as the building’s tremor’s worsened. Rushing to the little girl, you barely missed the ceiling caving down and breaking the floor.

“I’m outside the window, kid!” Tony exclaimed. “You need to get here, now!”

“There’s a kid in here!” You retorted, grabbing the little girl. You sped to the window. “You need to take her.” You held her out to Tony. 

“Not without you!”

“Just take her, Dad! Please!”

He quickly took her from your arms. “Don’t do anything! I’ll be right back!”

He flew off and the floor began to crack worse beneath your feet. You knew, even with your super speed, that you wouldn’t be able to make it out of the building without Tony coming for you. When another section of floor collapsed, you knew you needed to get out of there.

“Dad!” You shouted.

“I’m almost there, honey!” He responded. “Just hang on!”

The floor cracked beneath you, sending you falling. You grasped onto the ledge.

“Dad!” You screamed.

“Almost, there—“

“AHHH!”

The building’s roof collapsed, with the rest of the building following. You were pushed down with the debris, screaming.

“Y/N!!!” A multitude of voices screamed over the comms.

But you didn’t hear anything else, because you landed with a thud, hitting your head and blacking out before the rest of the building landed on you.

~~~

“Tony, come take a rest,” Clint urged. “At least drink something.”

You had been stuck under the building for hours at this point, with Tony working non-stop to try and get to you. 

“I can’t,” Tony responded. “My kid’s down there.”

“Scott’s almost here, he’ll shrink down and see what’s going on.”

“I can’t afford to waste a second.”

“Stark, we don’t know if moving any of this will make it worse for her,” Bucky said. “We could just be killing her faster.”

“You don’t think I know that!” Tony spun around. “But she’s the closest thing I have to a daughter! And I’ve already let her down once today.”

“You didn’t let her down.��

“I’m the one who told her to go into the building,” Steve said, everyone able to feel the self blame in his words. “I did this to her.”

“Stop with the blame game here, guys,” Clint interrupted. “Y/N wouldn’t want that. Now, we need—"

“I’m here! I’m here!” Scott yelled, running up with Hope. “Romanoff and Banner got us hooked up to cameras and we brought extra Pym particles so that we can get her out of there.” He briefly made eye contact with Tony and Steve. “We’re going to get her out of there.”

“We’ve got this,” Hope confirmed.

Shrinking, the two quickly got into the rubble. The others rushed over to the screens so that they could hear and see what was going on. It was dusty, that much was clear. But the couple were quick to follow FRIDAY’s leads on where to go. The AI was trying to to its best to sense were you were by heat signatures.

“Miss Y/N should be just below,” the AI informed the two in the debris.

“There she is,” Steve breathed out, seeing your head on the screen. It was clear that blood had been, or still was, coming from somewhere on your head. “Tell us what’s going on guys. What’s her status?”

“She’s breathing,” Hope confirmed. “She’s scratched up, but it looks like the bleeding as stopped.”

“She’s lost quite a bit of blood,” Scott added. He turned, revealing her bottom half, squished under a large piece of cement. “That’s not good.”

“Shit,” Tony whispered. “No.”

“We need to shrink her before the damage gets worse,” Hope said. “Get on the other side of her, Scott.”

“On it,” Scott replied.

“You ready?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Shrink her in 3, 2, 1.” 

Your body was quickly shrunk. Hope and Scott quickly worked together to secure you to Hope.

“Okay, she’s secure,” Scott said. “We’re on our way up.”

“You’re going to want to get everything ready,” Hope warned. “We aren’t going to want to bring her back to normal size without being ready to work.”

“Helen Cho is waiting back at the compound with her team,” Bruce informed. “Natasha and I have the quinjet ready to stabilize her as much as we can on the way.”

“Steve, Tony, you may want to stay away. It’s worse than the camera’s probably caught.”

“Not a chance.” / “Like hell!”

“Hope is right,” Clint said. “Bruce needs to be able to check her out with out you two hovering.” He looked at Bucky, the two seemingly having a silent conversation. They both took a step towards the two other men. “When they bring her out, we can’t have you two going all papa bears.”

“We’re in the quinjet,” Scott informed.

Clint and Bucky were quick. Bucky went for Steve, fighting with him to slow him down. Clint quickly shot an arrow at Tony’s arc reactor, shutting down the suit and effectively locking Tony in it. While that was happening, the others raced to the quinjet, getting it off the ground before the four men could get there.

Scott normalized himself first before helping Hope with herself and Y/N. Natasha and Bruce were waiting, ready to grab you as soon as they could. You were limp in Bruce’s arms, so incredibly so that it scared even the Hulk to his core. He and Natasha worked quickly and efficiently together to do everything they could before getting to the compound.

Back at the site, the four men had slowed down their fighting.

“How could you do that Clint?” Tony asked, clearly hurt as he was able to get his helmet off. “You have kids. You should understand the need to be with them when they’re injured.”

“I do,” Clint replied. “That’s why we knew we needed to stop  the two of you.”

“Whatever happens, it’s going to be hard,” Bucky said. “And they need to be able to fully evaluate her. It was either this or sedation… We’re sorry. We want to be there for her too."

~~~

It was two hours before Cho had finished running all the tests and an hour after that before Tony and Steve could wait at your bedside. You were all bandaged, bruised, and scrapped, but you were alive. That’s all that really matter. The test results had yet to come back, so the men had to try and be patient. You sucked in a breath, alerting the men to the possibility of you waking up.

“Y/N?” Steve softly called. “You there, doll?”

“Pa?” You rasped, head turning towards the sound of his voice while your eyes crept open.

“Hey.” He smiled.

“Hi, kid,” Tony said. 

You turned to look at him. “Dad.”

“How are you feeling?”

“Like I feel a hundred feet and then a building landed on me.”

“We’re not surprised there,” Steve commented.

“Hey, Y/N,” Helen Cho greeted as she walked into the room with her tablet. “How are you doing? Any unusual pain?”

“Well the drugs you’ve given me are trippy,” you replied.

“Drugs?” She repeated concerned, glancing at Tony and Steve.

“Yeah. I can feel my upper half, but my waist and below are completely numb. What did you give me, doc?”

Helen immediately went to work. She tore off the blankets covering your feet and immediately began running her pen up and down them.

“What’s going on?” You asked, trying to sit up.

“Steve, go get Bruce,” Helen ordered. Steve nodded and rushed out.

You looked at Tony. “Dad? What’s going on?”

“I-I— oh my gosh,” Tony stammered, hand covering his mouth. 

“Dad!”

“We didn’t give you any pain meds, Y/N,” Helen stated.

“What?”

“We wanted to see if there was any damage done, so we didn’t want the pain meds getting in the way.”

“So… I—I… I can’t…” You began hyperventilating. “I…”

“Honey, lay down,” Tony urged, gently pushing you onto the bed. “Breathe.”

“I’m here!” Bruce said, hurrying in with Steve. “We need to get her into the scanner and compare it to the other tests we’ve taken.” 

Helen quickly went to the head of your bed, unlocking the wheels. All of this was scaring you.

“Dad?” You looked at Tony, teary eyed, before looking at Steve. “Pa?” They both grasped one of your hands.

“We’re right here,” Steve said, bringing your hand up for a kiss as Helen and Bruce began to wheel you away.

“You both need to stay here, while we run the scans,” Bruce said.

“No! Please!” You pled, crying.

“I’ll be with you, Y/N. Tony and Steve just need to stay here.”

Bruce and Helen pushed you away as you begged and cried out for Steve and Tony. The rest of the Team rushed into the hallway to see what was happening. They witnessed you being pushed down the hall.

“What the hell is going on?” Sam asked, looking into the room where Tony and Steve had been left. Both men looked distraught, and absolutely heartbroken.

“Steve?” Bucky questioned.

“She… She… I…” Steve couldn’t pull his thoughts together.

“Tony?” Natasha questioned. 

The man fell back into a chair, burying his head in his hands. “She couldn’t feel her legs,” Tony whispered. “She couldn’t feel her legs.”

“She thought they had given her pain killers,” Steve continued, whispering as well.

“Steve, sit down,” Bucky said, moving to help his friend. “You look like you could pass out.”

“I might… she couldn’t feel her legs…”

“She’s going to be alright,” Sam said. “Y/N’s a fighter.”

“Yeah, but… she couldn’t feel her legs…”

~~~

After getting you into the scanner, Bruce and Helen actually gave you drugs to help you calm down. You were asleep almost as soon as they were injected. The two doctors worked together to look over each scan and previously done test. Only to reach the same conclusion each time. You were paralyzed. This brought on a multitude of worries, but the biggest one had to do with your abilities. Would you ever be able to use them again? 

After finding out about the diagnosis, it was the first question to leave Tony’s lips. Tony and Steve were standing outside your med-bay room, Helen and Bruce in front of them. The two doctors sighed, glancing at one another.

“No,” Bruce answered. “She wouldn’t be able to use her abilities again.”

What they didn’t know was that you had woken up just in time to hear Tony ask the question and Bruce answer it. Covering your mouth, you squeezed your eyes shut and tried to stop from sobbing.

“She’s going to need help with everything, especially right now,” Helen continued for Bruce. “She’s going to need to be looked after. And I—“

“We’ll do it,” Steve replied, firmly. “We’re her family, we’ll take care of her.”

“I know that you two—this whole team, sees her as family. But this is going to be a long, hard road.”

“What are you saying?” Tony asked. “That we send her away? She’s almost 17! Who would be willing to adopt her at that age? Especially when we are her family!” He motioned between himself and Steve. “We are her fathers!”

“I understand, Tony. But you need to be prepared. She’s going to need help with the little everyday things. Bathing, getting changed, going to the bathroom. Somebody’s going to need to help her with it.”

“We will,” Steve repeated, still as firm as before. “Whatever she needs, for as long as she needs it. Whether it’s officially legal or not, she is our daughter and we will help her through it all.”

“I can make her braces,” Tony said. “Just like I did with Rhodes.”

“We actually believe that it would be more valuable if she learns to live with a wheelchair first,” Bruce responded. “Just in case anything were to happen with the braces, that she wouldn’t be completely helpless.”

“I agree with Bruce on this one,” Steve said. “She needs to be able to live in a wheelchair before she tries braces.” 

“We will have her in physical and occupational therapy such, so she doesn’t lose all the muscles in her legs.”

Just then, Wanda rushed passed them, heading for your door. “Wanda?” Steve questioned. “What’s going on?”

“The pain,” Wanda replied. “She’s in so much pain.”

Following Wanda into the room, they witnessed you trying to control your emotions. Though it was clear you were upset. Tony and Steve rushed to either side of you.

“It’s okay, honey,” Tony whispered, wiping tears off your cheeks. “It’s okay.”

“N-no…” you rasped, shaking your head. “It’s… n-not…”

“Did you hear what we were talking about?” Steve asked. You nodded. “I’m so sorry, doll. You shouldn’t have had to find out that way.”

You couldn’t stop the sobs at this point. You had just gotten the worse news you could have imagined. You were paralyzed and know unable to use your abilities. In your mind, you were basically useless. 

Steve quickly got into bed with you, pulling you into his arms. As he cradled you, he tried to get you to calm down. He glanced around worriedly at everyone else in the room, who didn’t know how to help.

~~~

“You need to eat, Y/N,” Tony pressed, trying to hand you a plate again. 

“I’m not hungry,” you replied, voice void of all emotion.

You had fallen asleep in Steve’s arms, where the two of you stayed until morning. Tony brought in breakfast while Steve went to get ready for the day.

“You need to eat,” he said again.

“I said, I’m not hungry,” you repeated.

Tony sighed, seating the plate down. “Do you not like waffles? I can have Happy go get something else. A burger? Fries? Ice cream?”

“I want my legs back.”

“Kid—“

“Don’t try to make me feel better about this. You have no understanding about how I am feeling.”

“I wasn’t trying to. I just—“

“Can you leave me alone? I want to be alone.”

Tony knew that you just needed a moment. So without responding, he got up and left, closing the door behind him. He leaned against the wall next to it, running a hand down his face. The guilt he was feeling was real. If only he had grabbed you and the kid, or if he had just flown faster.

“You’re going there too?” Steve asked, coming up to lean on the wall across from Tony. 

“The guilt is real,” Tony responded.

“Yeah… I shouldn’t have had her go into the building. What was I thinking?”

“I shouldn’t have let her convince me to take the kid… but, I guess, feeling this way won’t do her any good now, will it?”

“No, unfortunately, it won’t.” Steve looked at the closed door. “How is she?”

“She refused to eat… I’m thinking about having Happy get all her favorite foods for lunch.”

“Good idea. Maybe we could even try the wheelchair out and bring her to the common area.”

“I like it.”

“I’ll let everyone know about it.”

“Yeah, I—“

“Excuse me, Boss, Captain,” FRIDAY interrupted. “But Y/N is in need of immediate assistance.”

~~~

After Tony left, you huffed. This was miserable. You didn’t want to be stuck in this bed. And, honestly, the longer you sat there, the more you needed to go to the bathroom. You just didn’t want to ask for help, you didn’t want that to be your life. Studying the distance between your bed and the toilet for a few moments, you decided to get there yourself. Besides, they hadn’t tried to stand you up and get you to walk, maybe this was all one big cruel joke.

Taking a deep breath, you flung your covers off. You pushed yourself towards the edge of the bed, helping your legs to rest over it. Other deep breath in and you pushed yourself off the bed, trying to stand. You immediately fell. Trying to brace yourself, you landed on your hands. One of your wrists cracked, failing to break your fall. In the midst of the struggle, your bladder decided to let loose, causing you to lay in a pool of your own pee. You clutched your wrist close to your chest as your door burst open, revealing two extremely worried men. You looked at them, with tears cascading down your cheeks.

“I’m so sorry,” you said. “I just wanted to do something by myself.” They looked at you with complete pity, which you absolutely hated.

“It’s okay,” Steve said, getting on the floor beside you, minding the puddle. He noticed your wrist. “Did you hurt yourself?”

You nodded. “I’m sorry.”

“I’ll go run and get you clothes, sweetheart,” Tony said. “Steve will help you into the shower. It’s all going to be okay.” He rushed out.

“No it won’t,” you whispered as Steve scooped you up into his arms. “It will never be again.”

And Steve thought his heart couldn’t shatter more than it already had. As he lifted you, he could practically feel the weight that this was having on you. You wouldn’t look at him as he took you into the bathroom and set you on the shower floor.

“Can I help you undress?” Steve asked.

You inhaled sharply, closing your eyes. This was your life now. Though you could undress yourself, you would always need help, basically be waited on all the time.

“If you want, I can go grab Natasha,” Steve suggested. “Or Wanda. Or, Pepper might even be in today. You love Pepper.”

“I want to be alone,” you mumbled.

“Y/N, I just want to help. Just let me help.”

“And I just want to be alone.” Tears were still falling, though you couldn’t understand how.

“Y/N—“

“Just leave me alone!” You shouted, pushing yourself into the corner.

“What’s going on in here?” Tony asked, bringing in the clothes with Pepper following.

“Leave me alone!”

“Why don’t you guys wait outside?” Pepper suggested. “I’ll help Y/N.”

Steve sighed, straightened up from his kneeled position and hurrying out of there. Tony looked at you sadly before taking his leave. Pepper shut the door and came to your side.

“What do you want me to do?” She asked softly.

“I want to be left alone,” you responded, frustrated and not willing to look her way.

“That’s not going to happen and you know it, Tony and Steve won’t allow it. Those men out there care about you and are so extremely worried. All they want to do is help.”

“I don’t care.”

She let out a small sigh. “Will you at least let me help? We need to get you out of those clothes and washed up. Especially since that wrist needs to get checked out.”

After a moment, you gave in and looked at her. “Okay.”

Pepper smiled at you briefly. “Okay.”

~~~

Apparently, there was already a hairline fracture in your wrist because of the accident. Your fall off the bed didn’t do anything to help it. You had willingly let Pepper help you clean up, but other than that you were still fighting asking for help.

The Team had tried to lift your spirits at lunch out in the common area, but to no avail. After that, you were taken to your regular room, where a twin bed had been added.

“What’s that?” You asked, you hadn’t spoken since the bathroom. 

“Someone is going to stay in here with you until things start becoming normal again,” Steve replied, pushing the wheelchair further into the room. 

“Normal,” you scoffed.

“Buck and I were thinking we could have a movie night today. Maybe try and watch all of the—“

“I just want to sleep.”

“That’s okay too.”

“I would be here too kid,” Tony added, “but Pep and I are working out somethings with the physical therapist.”

“What’s the point of physical therapy? My legs don’t work.”

“It’s to keep your muscles, so that one day you can get braces.”

You nodded, glancing around until you were staring at your tennis shoes on the floor. They were brand new, Stark designed shoes. They were meant to not wear as fast because of your speeding abilities. Your speeding abilities that you could no longer access.

“Can you do something with those?” You asked, pointing at them. 

Both Tony and Steve looked over. They got a tad deflated after remembering how excited you had been about those shoes.

“Yeah, sure, kid,” Tony responded, grabbing them. “I’ll just put them up in your closet. We can—“

“No,” you interrupted. “I want them gone.”

“Y/N—“

“I don’t need any reminders of what I’m now unable to do.”

“Sweetheart,” Tony got down in front of you, “you can still, or will be able to, do a lot. You got lucky.” He immediately regretted his last sentence, even Steve flinch.

“I got lucky? I. Got. Lucky?”

“Y/N, that’s not what—“

“Get the hell out!”

“Hey, that’s not how you talk to your—“

“My what? Father?! Cause you aren’t, remember? Maybe you should take Helen’s advice and give me away! Might make it easier on everyone!”

“You are my daughter, damn it! Whether it’s official or not, or by blood!”

“Y/N, Tony—“ Steve tried to interrupt. 

“No! I actually will say that you got lucky. You did because you have people willing to help you, willing to support you.”

“Well stop!” You shouted back. “Have you ever thought that I don’t want any of your help?! Maybe I think that you should have just left me down there to die! It would have been better that way! I’m basically useless like this!”

“Enough!” Bucky yelled, barging in with Nat. “Steve, Tony, out.”

With a glare sent their way from Nat, the two men didn’t even argue. You were refusing to look at Bucky and Nat. Half embarrassed that you said those things to the men you considered your dads, and half embarrassed that you were believing the terrible thoughts your mind was taunting you with.

Bucky and Natasha looked at each other, unsure of what exactly to do. You let them help you into bed before they left you alone, leaving with a promise to bring food later. 

In the loneliness of your bedroom, you let your thoughts consume you. How you were now useless as an Avenger without being able to have super speed. How you wished they would have just let you die. How you wish they wouldn’t be so helpful, it was driving you crazy. How you really didn’t have any family, you were all alone.

~~~

To respect your boundaries, Tony and Steve decided to let the others help them. No matter how hard it was. It hurt them to see you struggling through everything and not rush to your side. Not that you would let them help, you weren’t letting anyone without putting up a fight.

Steve and Tony had had many talks since they realized you were wishing that you had just died. Tony had made sure that FRIDAY had surveillance on you 24/7 and the Team, besides Tony and Steve, were switching sleeping in your room every night. 

It wasn’t easy on anyone, especially since you were having nightmares about being stuck down in the debris. Someone would wake you from the dream, only to be quickly shut out. The terrors would leave you trembling, sweating, and in a state of panic. But, with you not willing to let people help, the others were forced to watch you struggle with this.

Physical and occupational therapy was a whole other issue. You were rude to the therapists and unwilling to do anything. As the weeks went by, the Team could see the affect it was happening on your legs and they were concerned. Steve and Tony would watch each session from above, angry at the whole situation.

It had been two months since the whole incident, and you still weren’t showing any signs of changing your attitude any time soon.

“Come on, Y/N,” your therapist sighed. “What I’m asking you to do isn’t all that hard. I’m going to do all the work.”

“No,” you stated, determined.

“Y/N—“

“Why don’t you go help someone who’s more able to do things? Maybe someone who will actually get better. I’m sure they’d love your help."

“I can’t watch this anymore,” Tony said to Steve, watching from above. “She’s hurting herself.”

“You know we can’t force her to do anything, Tony,” Steve replied. “We have to let her do this on her own.”

“No, we don’t.” Tony turned around and headed for the room you were currently in.

“Tony! What are you going to do?”

“Use the hate she is harboring towards what happened, towards us, for her benefit.”

Tony burst into the room, causing you and the therapist to jump. You furrowed your brows, confused at what Tony and Steve could possibly be doing here.

“Hand me your leg, Y/N,” Tony demanded.

“What? No,” you responded.

“Hand me your damn leg!”

“No!”

“Fine!” Tony marched over and picked you up from your wheelchair.

“Put me down!” You tried to push off Tony. “Let me go!”

“Tony!” Steve called. “What are you doing?”

“It’s time for some tough love,” Tony responded. He set you down, not gently, on a therapy table. He grabbed your leg and began doing the exercises.

“Let go of me!” You demanded, trying to reach and pry him away, but failing. 

“No! Don’t you see what you are doing to yourself? What you’re doing to those around you?! You are miserable and you are making others miserable! Yes, what happened to you was absolute shit. Trust me, Steve and I will have that guilt with us for the rest of our lives. But it’s up to you to decide how to come out of this. You ever fight to live, fight to find the new normal, or you let yourself whither away. And I’m not about to let that last one happen.”

“You may think you’re alone in this, but you aren’t,” Tony continued. “Steve and I, the Team, we all want to help you through this. Even if that means sticking with you for life.”

During Tony’s whole thing, you had began crying. He was right, you were making yourself and everyone around you miserable.

“I’m sorry,” you cried out. “I’m so sorry… I just… I just wish…”

“I know, honey, I know,” Tony said, moving to pull you into his chest. You melted into him, crying. He placed a kiss on your head. “I’ve got you… I’ve got you.”

“Don’t leave me, Dad.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

Steve came over and grabbed one of your hands, gently kissing it. You gave his hand a squeeze.

“I’m sorry, Pa,” you croaked.

“It’s okay,” Steve replied with a tiny smile. “No need to apologize. Just please don’t say that you would have rather died again. I don’t think I could take it if you did.”

“If I died or said it again?”

“Both.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I know.”

“Will you guys… uh, will you guys help me with my exercises?”

“Of course, honey,” Tony replied. “But maybe Steve should do the other leg, because I think I wore myself out.”

Steve stood. “I’ll exercise that leg better than you could, Stark,” he commented.

“Oh, you’re on, Rogers.” Tony swiftly stood up.

“Great,” you muttered. “Now this is going to be a thing.”

~~~

Now that you were accepting help, things were beginning to look up again. Not that things weren’t hard, but they were better and you could handle it all better. The Team had decided to celebrate, but wouldn’t tell you how. Wheeling your wheelchair into the common area, you found it pitch black.

“FRIDAY,” you called out to the AI, “can I get some lights?”

“Of course,” the AI responded.

The lights came on and suddenly you were being pelted with water from squirt guns. The Team came out of their hiding spots, laughing, as they continued to fire at you.

“Guys!” You squealed, trying to shield yourself. “Guys! St-stop!”

“Never!” Sam exclaimed as he made his way closer to you.

“Here,” Peter said, lowering himself from the ceiling. “Take this.” He offered you a large gun. “Save yourself.”

You laughed as you began to fight back. Suddenly, you were pulled backwards by both Steve and Tony, who were trying to use you and the chair as protection.

“They’ve turned against us!” Tony exclaimed.

“Help us, Y/N!” Steve added.

You couldn’t stop laughing as you, Tony and Steve worked together to try and defeat the others. The Team couldn’t stop smiling as they watched you act so happy. It was so refreshing. After the common room was all but turned into a pool, the Team decided to change and then meet down in the movie room to relax for the night. When Y/N had arrived down there, Tony and Steve had saved a place between them.

“Can I help you onto the couch?” Steve asked.

You responded with a nod and let Steve pick you up, wrapping your arms around his neck. He carefully guided you through the maze of lodging teammates to the spot him and Tony had chosen on the couch.

“Thanks Pa,” you said as he set you down. You pulled your legs up close to you.

“Not a problem,” he smiled, sitting down beside you.

Tony spread a blanket over you guys. “Thanks, Dad.”

“Of course,” Tony responded, leaving a little kiss on your forehead.

You curled up against Tony as Steve moved your legs to rest over his lap, allowing him to massage them. FRIDAY quickly turned on your favorite movie. You glanced around, taking in everyone around you, and you couldn’t be more grateful. Though your life was going to continue to have its challenges, you were glad you had found this family.

Part 2