#aziraphale hate takes are not welcome here

[fellthemarvelous]

"I forgive you."

I can't help but wonder...

And I have a lot of feelings around "I forgive you" because, to me, it goes so much deeper than that.

I think we need to go back to the very first scene of season two.

Before the Beginning

Aziraphale is the first one to reach out. Yes, Crowley called him over for help, but Aziraphale is the one who introduced himself. Crowley wasn't expecting him to stick around for so long. He probably didn't think to introduce himself in return because, as he said in episode 6, angels are like bees (and the universe is huge).

When Crowley becomes upset at Aziraphale's explanation of people and Earth, Aziraphale is confused because "you can't just ask God this shit, how rude", but you see the look on his face when Crowley asks how much trouble he can get into for asking a few questions.

It was more than the fact that Aziraphale said something that made Crowley want to question God. He was looking at Crowley. He saw Crowley's wings become darker. It made him anxious, but why?

He was scared of Crowley getting into trouble, but why would he worry about that? What did it mean to him? How would he know? Why would he know? Had Aziraphale already been scolded for being curious?

And the thing he was scared of came true. Crowley got into trouble and he became one of the fallen.

"Unforgivable. That's what I am." (Unforgettable. That's what you are.)

As far as I can tell, Aziraphale never even learned Crowley's angel name (unless Crowley was so famous as an angel that he needed no introduction), but their chance meeting still changed the trajectory of both of their existences.

Why did Crowley fall? Why didn't Aziraphale?

It is something that weighs heavily on Aziraphale's mind. The name he goes by on Earth is A.Z. Fell, and the humans refer to him as Mr. Fell. He chose that name for himself.

He was unable to save Crowley from Hell in Edinburgh and it changed both of them once more. I've already talked about Edinburgh being Aziraphale's Greatest Failure™️ in this post a little bit, which feeds further into the guilt that Aziraphale probably feels when it comes to Crowley's status as a demon.

For 6,000 years, they have had to speak to each other in code.

"Unforgivable. That's what I am." (Unforgettable. That's what you are.)

I think when Aziraphale is saying "I forgive you" he is telling Crowley that it doesn't matter what Crowley does, Aziraphale is going to love him anyway.

Aziraphale can't say "I love you" though because Heaven is always watching. Hell is always watching. Someone is always watching. The last thing Aziraphale wants is for Crowley to suffer more than he already has, and that's where Aziraphale struggles the most.

But I also think that, deep down, Aziraphale is asking Crowley to forgive him. Aziraphale freely forgives because even though he's never fallen himself, he struggles with the guilt of what happened to Crowley. He sees Crowley's fall as unjust.

He tried to warn angel Crowley against the idea of making any suggestions because he feared what would happen.

He lost Crowley in Edinburgh because they had fallen into a pattern of role reversal and Crowley did a good deed in front of Gabriel's statue, which I've also discussed before.

Aziraphale is saying "I forgive you" the way humans say "I love you", and I think that deep down he wants to hear Crowley say "I forgive you too" because Aziraphale can't forgive himself for the part he believes he played in Crowley's fall.

The Metatron was watching when Aziraphale said "I forgive you". Aziraphale is already in enough trouble, which I have discussed before. Twice we have seen Aziraphale say "I forgive you" to Crowley, and both of those times were after Crowley insulted him.

"How can someone as clever as you be so stupid?" "You idiot, we could have been...us."

"I forgive you" is and always has been "I love you" in coded language because Aziraphale worries nonstop about Crowley getting into trouble with Hell (again). He's telling Crowley that no matter what he does, Aziraphale will always forgive Crowley because he loves Crowley.

But I also think he's looking for forgiveness himself because he internalizes his own failures so much that it's eating him alive. (This is common for people who have suffered religious abuse.)

And this is something I don't know that Crowley understands just yet because neither of them talk about what's really important.

[dalliancekay]

Crowley is not stupid, Aziraphale is not an idiot and other assorted thoughts

Or how nothing is black and white and my bullying home and religious trauma is a metaphor not a direct translation to what our immortals experience. And vice versa. -

I don't know what it's like to hang out on Earth since the beginning but I'm sure it is richer than we can imagine we could imagine.

Our two favourite, currently men shaped beings, are captured for our storytelling enjoyment when their time on the Green Planet is about to be cut off.

One has been thrown out from their family home ages ago, we are not sure for what misdemeanour exactly, and is now working for a dumpy place where they don't mind inflicting pain if you misbehave nor do they care whether a trial is fair. So, a mafia, basically. And our hero is tasked with collecting new additions to the unhappy family on top of that. He doesn't much care for it and seems to do the bare minimum only.

The other has been sent to the young planet to guard the indigenous humans and told something vague about an Ineffable Plan that will all work out when there's a War in a few thousand years, which 'our, the Good, side' will win and everyone will be happy. Just tell the humans to behave and if they don't kick up a fuss, we will welcome them Here.

And Here is a vast, empty place, well lit, with busy, lonely bees working and filing, and checking, making sure rules are in place and are followed as written and everything is ticking over; the higher ranks' punishments rare but swift. Everyone has learnt a lesson when half of them were unceremoniously fired when someone said some nasty things about the CEO. So things might not be perfect but at least if you stick to your tasks you will be left alone.

So, we meet demon Crowley, whose family threw him out as mentioned above and his job sucks and he hates it but it's not hard and his placement is rather a nice place so he does his best to not to lose the position. Sometimes he wonders what is the point of it all and that's when he runs into his adorable archenemy, the angel Aziraphale.

Aziraphale was sent to Earth and given a job, one that doesn't seem to quite work out (or does it?) as he follows his heart instead of the rules almost immediately but surprisingly is not punished for it by the CEO. So he spends his time helping the natives, following orders he receives as best as he can and when he runs into his archenemy the demon, he feels a certain strange tingle and flutter in his heart at the sight of the rulebreaker.

They have done a fair job of it for 6 millennia. They avoid getting fired and even manage to take on each other's tasks to lighten up the load and the (pointlessly) random business trips (does anyone Up or Down there ever heard of geography?)

When we meet our heroes in present day-ish, they've been told the End of the World sequence has been triggered and life as they know it is about to end. 

How do they feel about this? Well. Our demon is appalled. He knew this was coming. But not really. It's just something to sort of work towards right? After all, the Earth has been developing rather nicely. The alcohol got better, the food for his Angel, the music got interesting, the clothes tighter... He's having a good time. Yes, he pushes his luck sometimes. Sleeps too long, gives in and saves someone instead of ruining them. He gets into all kinds of tangles to spend time with his crush. He is rash but he's not stupid. He knows what's at stake. But he's angry. And sometimes that's hard to contain. He does go too fast. But Aziraphale is always there to catch him. And if he can't, he waits and worries and is there when Crowley returns.

So about the angel? He knows he should dislike the demon. He knows he should follow his directives. He knows he should not meet or talk to Crowley. And what does he do? Gets himself arrested in his fanciest silks so they can have crepes when the world and humanity is bringing them down with their relentless hate towards each other. He puts on a magical performance when the demon fails to deliver some contraband liquor in the midst of the Blitz bombing.

And, now. Here's the funny bit. Angel has gotten himself a part time job in the past few centuries. He's had a few before, but not quite like this. He has a place he loves now. A safe, cluttered place where a demon is welcome. It's not much like his original home. You could say... it's rather quite the opposite of it. In any case, he never really got on with his managers but tbf he likes his job. It makes the humans happy and he loves the humans and loves making them happy.

He also does not want the world to end. But his fam has always told him that once this bit is over, an even better one will come along. What that bit is was never quite explained but then, asking questions was always frowned upon and rather vehemently so. He's noticed this from the get go... unlike a red headed angel he once knew...

What is my point?

That neither Crowley or Aziraphale are wrong. Or right. Doing the correct thing. Or not. Me. You. We come from broken families, we have been friends and lovers with bad people, we have escaped religions, cults, home countries. Lies. Rules. Hate. We have fought for our love to be recognised as love.

Crowley and Aziraphale live in a world where Heaven and Hell is real. Where Satan rules over a smelly place with mould on the walls and God is engrossed in her sci fi novels and seems to have forgotten about Her Earth project.

You can't call Aziraphale stupid for believing in God. She exists. Whether She has a plan is open to debate, sure. She seems to have claimed so at some point, but then, we all change don't we. Maybe She changed Her mind and forgot to tell the upper management. Maybe She thought She didn't need to spell out all the details to them so they kill Job's kids. Maybe She was vague on purpose much in the style of King Henry II and Thomas Beckett.. Anyway. Back to Aziraphale, our angel on Earth. He is kind, has hope, wants to believe after thousands, millions of years. And this is not stupid. Aziraphale does and is brave, courageous things. And he's slowly learning to trust himself more too. To know the difference. It started with the sword and his overthinking on the giving away of it. He made a decision to protect Job's children. Risked Falling for it. Trusted the demon over his bosses. Not because Heaven is WRONG. Yes, they are. But the thing is they don't care. And Aziraphale does. He cares about humanity. And he cares about Crowley.

Nobody noticed (or did they) how our two field agents fell in love (neither did they tbf) and how fiercely they guard the little secret they share. The smiles and the glances, the small flowers of hope that things can change one day.

And they did change. Plan A, War and Destruction, did not work out. The youngster they sent from Below decided he likes the new place and refused to ruin it. They both learned things. They are still learning. The demon how to trust again. The angel how to question things.

So what's next? The place Above is going to send their trusted agent. He followed the rules last time seamlessly. It did not quite work out but no problem, they'll send Him out again. With a rather more final arrangement.

In the meantime, the disgraced and rather troubling Earth agents have been lying low. Unsure of their places and overall safety, they went on with their lives as best as they could until the angel happened to help his former boss run away with his paramour from the other side and is visited by the Big Boss.

Big Boss wastes no time and suggests to our angel he should come back Upstairs and take the place of his disgraced superior. To use his skills. To be better looked after I suppose. New opportunities. To be close to the big upcoming decisions or - under a close watchful eye.

Aziraphale, not surprisingly, refuses. He does not want to put any of his 'skills' to any good causes but his own. But then. THEN. He is not so subtly made aware that his dangerous liaisons with the other side have been noted and his help in the latest Complication might not go unpunished if he's not careful.

And this job offer suddenly seems FAR more sinister than it did 15 minutes ago. Especially when it is handed over with a coffee (that he does not much like) from a place called Give Me Coffee Or Give me Death.

Our angel goes home to cautiously tell his demon about the trouble they are in and his world comes crashing down around him.

This post turned out to be completely different to what I originally wanted to write. Is there a point? You decide.

Aziraphale's decision makes complete sense, he loves the Earth, his home and Crowley over and above everything else. And he WILL fight for their safety. AND the humans in the process if he can.

This is my very first Tumblr post. Way to go me etc. Please be kind.

[fakemichaelsheen]

-richmond, london, 1759-

crowley, intrigued: what are doing here, angel?

aziraphale, excited: you'll see. it's a surprise

crowley, groans: you know I hate surprises

aziraphale, grins: oh, you'll like this one *stops outside the newly opened kew gardens; gestures* ta-dah!

crowley: ...

crowley, confused: what am I looking at exactly?

aziraphale: it's a botanical garden. they house a wide variety of rare and exotic plants

crowley, still not understanding: ok...

aziraphale, sighs: we're always doing 'me' things, crowley. going to the theatre, dining at restaurants, walks in the park or visiting music halls. I mean, it's hardly fair

crowley, dismissive: they're not 'you' things. they're 'us' things

aziraphale, smiles: in that case, this particular 'you' thing can be a new 'us' thing

crowley, rubs his temple: yeah, fine. can we just go and look at plants now?

aziraphale, satisfied: yes, please *takes his arm* I'm looking forward to having you talk me through the collections

crowley, happy: hmm. okay *pauses* um, thanks, angel

aziraphale, pats his hand affectionately: you're welcome

[badaziraphaletakes]

Hi! Please Forgive this terribly long lead-up to my question. I’m finally joining the conversation here instead of just sneaking around reading everything, and I wanted to say a huge thank you for the visibility you bring to the relationship between common criticisms that we see aimed at Aziraphale and aspects of his character that are autistic-coded. In my marriage, one of us is autistic and the other is adhd and some of the posts i’ve seen about how beings are ‘supposed’ to show love and care, and about how concern, kindness, consideration ‘should be’ communicated, have just baffled me. Do people really not know that not everyone processes the immense complexities within feeling in the same way? With the terribly stressful events precipitating the final 15, it never even occurred to me to be mad, frustrated, or angry at either one of the ineffables, or to think that either one of them should shoulder the burden of their conflict more than the other, if even at all. I’m upset FOR them. It seems so obvious that events and pressures were stacked to make it impossible for them to find their way to each other in that moment. And it was quite transparent in the transitions that critical narrative details were excluded. Neil made this happen in a very mastermindedly way and I both love and hate it, lol.

SO to the point - when I came to tumblr looking for similarly heart-wrenched souls and I found some truly mean & cruel things written directly about our angel and tangentially about our demon and it made me very upset, and if i’m being honest it also made me worry quite a bit about the limited capacity for sympathy that some folks seem to have. Now that I’ve calmed down (a little) i’m curious for your take: In your opinion, why are so many bad takes hyper-focused on proving that C & A aren’t equally sympathetic characters? And more jokingly: Do people not know about us v the problem?

Thank you so much for writing this! It's absolutely beautiful and so insightful. I'm so glad this blog has been helpful to you; it warms my heart to hear that! As for your question, I'm going to think about it a bit more; my initial response is to say that it's because a. Aziraphale rubs people the wrong way (because autism, as discussed above! :), and b. People always want to paint ab*se victims as the villains, but I suspect there's other factors at play as well.

Maybe the angel-demon dichotomy makes people think one of them has to be bad since they're nominally on opposite sides. For example, I've seen a lot of takes that say hell and the demons are the good guys, which is demonstrably false. My impression is that some people think the way the story is trying to be subversive/iconoclastic is by saying "demons are the good guys for rebelling against heaven &c &c". When in reality, of course, it's being subversive by saying "there are no 'good guys' and bad guys'; nobody's 100% good or 100% evil, so we shouldn't set up these false us-vs-them dichotomies".

I'd welcome your two cents and the thoughts of anybody else who wants to chime in!

[writings-of-a-demigod]

Waking up to the sound of rain is the best way to wake up. Starting up the day with a warm shower and coffee. You were going to walk to the Aziraphale’s bookshop. You couldn’t stop smiling the whole way to the bookshop, this is the best weather for you.

Listening to Taylor Swift while walking with your umbrella, you took a left and there it was the bookshop. Since it was a slow day all you could think about is sitting in there with Aziraphale’s hot coco and the smell of books.

As you’re getting closer you spotted the Bentley ‘Good Crowley is here as well’ you thought to yourself. You opened the door while stepping in you heard the bell ring above you, there you stood in the entrance you took a deep breath. Taking in the smell then exhaled smiling, Crowley saw you “Good morning” he said to you.

“Good morning” you said in a sing tone.

He raised his eyebrow as you. “What’s wrong with you?”.

Aziraphale came from the backroom and saw you “Oh good morning my dear it’s a lovely morning, isn’t it?” he smiled at you.

“Oh yes, it is. It’s a fantastic morning, it’s smells like hope.” You made your way to Aziraphale and hugged him.

The angle was more welcoming to the hug, it’s like hugging a cloud. And just makes you feel so happy. The demon was looking at you like you two lost your mind I mean he’s used to Aziraphale but you are completely different case. After you parted from the hug still smiling.

“Seriously what’s wrong with you?” he asked again.

You pointed to the window “The weather is making me happy.”

“Would you like some hot coco?” the angle smiled at you.

You nodded at him “That would be prefect right now” and he was on his way to get it ready for the both of you.

“The weather? Are you for real? It’s miserable there’s rain and puddles everywhere.” He told you.

“To people who hate the rain me? Oh I love rainy days I would love if it was raining all the time.” You threw yourself on Aziraphale comfy chair.

Crowley stared at you “You’re one weird human I’ll tell you that.”

You smiled at him “There’s literally nothing you can say that will mess with my mood right now.”

Aziraphale came in with two cups of hot coco for you and him. “I added cream and cinnamon as you like it.”

“Oh thank you” you took the cup and took a sip “You’re an angel.” You told him.

He sat down “So what are your plans for today?” he asked you.

“Well I want to stay here and read.” You both shared a look “How do you feel about Jane Austen?” you asked him.

The angel couldn’t hide his big smile “Which book are we thinking?”

Crowley listening to both of you gashing over Jane Austen all he could do was look at you two all he thought about was how you are ‘Such nerds’ according to him.

*gif not mine*

[foolishlovers]

Could you do a collection of found family fic recs??? 👀 or maybe a rare pair collection??

here are some good omens found family fic recs:

An Angel's Wrath (or At Least He's Trying) by Mysti_Gayle (G, 1k) Adam hated knowing that he had caused them so much stress this evening, particularly Aziraphale, whom he greatly admired for his kindness. Now, he had felt like he had taken advantage of that, and the guilt crushed him.

Four-Letter Accusations by Pink_October_Bones (G, 1k) Warlock has a suspicion that Nanny might not be as loveless as she likes to claim.

Never Have I Ever (Been Myself) by FeralTuxedo (M, 28k) Aziraphale Fell, BAFTA-winning actor of stage and screen, is bored. Bored of playing middle-aged divorcees in dull BBC dramas. Bored of answering the same questions on chat shows and breakfast television. Bored of keeping the real him hidden away. So when the opportunity presents itself to collaborate with up-and-coming rock band Witching Hour, he takes it, against his own common sense and the condescending advice of his agent. Witching Hour’s mysterious guitarist Crowley, flame-haired, moody, and a good fifteen years his junior, certainly seems worth the risk. A human actor/rock star AU.

search terms by Vagabond (M, 43k) Aziraphale expects it to be a quiet night working in the university library when a flashy red haired, foul mouthed, panicking student needs to find credible sources for his paper and can't figure out how to use the search. Little does Aziraphale know that meeting Crowley will lead him on a path to self-discovery, and give him the family he didn't realize he needed.   From a prompt on tumblr: College AU - You’re REALLY GOOD at using the right search terms for the academic databases and I’m on a deadline.

Loving You Slow by TawnyOwl95 (E, 46k) Crowley just wants to dance, but he's not prepared to sell his soul (and other things) at Mayfair's Hellfire Club to do it. Tending bar at The Bookshop in Soho is just the escape he needs, providing Crowley can convince the club’s owner he really belongs on the stage. Unfortunately Aziraphale Eastgate is not quite the generous guardian angel Crowley has been led to believe. Welcome to The Bookshop, where it always pays to look under the covers.

It never hurts to keep looking for sunshine by Dervila, elf_on_the_shelf (E, 63k) After Adam's parents die in a car crash, Aziraphale is forced to start taking care of him as more than just an uncle. Don't get him wrong, he loves the little devil, it's just that he is completely clueless and could rather use some help. In comes Crowley, Adam's new nursery school teacher with his amazing skills in dealing with kids. Could he be the answer to all of Aziraphale's prayers - Adam-related and otherwise? Well, it looks like he might be just that, judging by the weird things Aziraphale's heart seems to be doing whenever he sets eyes on the man. Now, if only the tall ginger returned his feelings…

Golden Handcuffs by seekwill (E, 70k) Far from any city, near the Scottish coast, Tadfield College has a celebrated history, an unrivaled academic reputation, and two departments at war. When the Biology and English departments are forced to share a building, Senior Lecturer and botanist Anthony Crowley finds himself drawn into the orbit of the polite but strange English professor, Dr. Aziraphale Fell. As the new term begins, two academics navigate the politics of both their offices and academia, and try to solve the puzzle of one another.

Barriers, and the Breaking Thereof by Cardinal_Daughter (M, 71k) Ezra Fell has long been comfortable in his loneliness. He’s content to simply run the Soho Public Library and otherwise keep to himself. However, when a handsome stranger bursts in one evening with a baby, frantic and in need of help, Ezra finds those carefully constructed barriers he’s long maintained begin to crack. Perhaps it’s time to let them fall. Human AU. Complete.

The Sometimes Wife by AgentStannerShipper (E, 74k) It is a truth universally acknowledged that older brothers are the worst. As the youngest of three children, Parson Aziraphale Fell has been given an ultimatum: find a wife, or lose the family's support. The only problem? Aziraphale has never looked at a woman that way in his life. His attention has instead been captured by the family gardener, a beautiful young man who holds Aziraphale's heart in his hands. But when a mysterious newcomer arrives in the village, Aziraphale finds himself falling - quite unexpectedly - for her as well. Aziraphale knows he will have to choose. After all, it's not as if he can have both…can he?

What We Make of It (Shotgun Wedding) by charlottemadison (E, 213k) The important thing, Crowley tells himself -- the most important thing -- is Adam, his brilliant, creative, empathetic nephew. Being fourteen's hard enough; the kid didn't ask to deal with the weight of the world on top of it. And if taking care of Adam means Crowley has to tough it out at a job he can’t stand, so be it. And if Crowley's job means that Adam’s charming English teacher is NOT a romantic possibility, well, that's just how things go. But the occasional drink with Aziraphale proves hard to resist. They frequent the same pub, so who can object to them saying hello? Briefly sharing a table? Perhaps a little conversation? The painful knowledge that it can’t be anything more -- not without somebody getting fired or sued or both -- well, that can't be helped. Until Crowley stumbles onto a terribly reckless idea…

i also love writing found family fics myself:

The Anon Before Christmas by foolishlovers (E, 66k) When Crowley’s friend, blogging buddy and business partner Anathema announces her annual Secret Santa Exchange on Tumblr, she is very adamant Crowley should join this year. The old-fashioned (but admittedly compassionate) man he gets assigned to send anonymous messages to every day until Christmas sounds awfully similar to the fussy bookseller that his friends adore, yet Crowley tries to avoid at all costs. But surely his friends would have mentioned if Aziraphale had taken an interest in the Bad Omens fandom as well… right? Or: An Enemies to Lovers Secret Santa Tumblr AU.

Tales of Turning Pages by foolishlovers (E, 73k) Every Tuesday, aspiring romance novelist Anthony J. Crowley pays a visit to his local library and the charming angel working there. Every Tuesday, Aziraphale Fell finds himself more and more intrigued by the curious stranger who turns his orderly life as a small-town librarian upside down.

Wild Hearts by foolishlovers (E, 56k+, WIP) In the idyllic English countryside, far from the hustle and bustle of the big city, two teachers at Willowbrook Hall set out to transform their students’ lives through the world of theatre. But for Mr. Crowley, the challenge of navigating his long hidden feelings and dear friendship with Mr. Fell may prove to be the greatest drama of all.

[embracing-the-ineffable]

It was such fun to participate in the @gospexchange with the prompt from my giftee, @kotias: Bloody Mary by Lady Gaga. And now I have this image lingering in my head, of Crowley doing the iconic Wednesday Addams dance. It's a pretty small leap:

Have any artists drawn this yet? I'd LOVE to see! I can just picture David Tennant as Crowley doing his own version of the dance: 🔥

The song inspired The Ineffable Dance, my new fic about what happens after Crowley drives away at the end of season 2. With many thanks to my beta, @andromeda4004, come read about Crowley exorcising his demons (or angels!) at a dance club, and traveling through time to where his angel is waiting at a club of his own... (reblogs are appreciated, even if you don't have time to read right now!)

He saunters up to the door and miracles his way inside, carried forward on the swell of the music.

Love is just a history that they may prove

As he crosses the threshold, his senses are flooded with sounds, scents, and sights. He blinks and breathes - one, two, three times - and feels himself adjust to the whirlwind press of the crowded dance club. Aziraphale would hate this, but then again, he isn't here, he isn't anywhere Crowley can reach. He firmly pushes that thought away.

And when you're gone I'll tell them my religion's you

He visits the bar and downs a fortifying glass of their best whiskey, savoring the heat of it in his mouth and then down his throat, giving his body something to feel that isn't crushing weight or other distressing things. He takes that feeling with him, this small part of the night that Aziraphale would appreciate - delicious, buzzing warmth - as he steps onto the dance floor.

I'm gonna dance, dance, dance With my hands, hands, hands above my head

The beat of the music is more compulsion than invitation, but he welcomes it into his body, percussive thrusts joining the heat of the whiskey and driving everything else away. 

I won't cry for you I won't crucify the things you do

He dances. 

I won't cry for you See, when you're gone, I'll still be Bloody Crowley 

His heart skips a beat, and he blinks, hard. For a moment he thought the line was "I'll still be Bloody Crowley," but that doesn't make sense. It was definitely "Mary". Right? His heart skips again as Aziraphale's voice echoes in his thoughts: "You're being silly!"

Keep reading here to see what happens after Crowley discovers Aziraphale also dancing... in the past! 2.5k words, rated T, sweet and hopeful with no major warnings.

[chlorine-and-daisies]

i see people with internet friends who gush about each other's work and write collabs and exchange ideas, and it's beautiful

people who have found their own voice and unique takes on characters

and i enjoy it on one level but on another level it's just like

i'm not good enough to deserve to be let into that

sometimes it hurts more to know that you're not a bad writer, you're just a mediocre one.

like i usually don't get hate or even constructive criticism (which btw i would welcome) on my writing, i've received one or two very sweet comments that mean the world to me

but generally i haven't gotten much of a response in terms of hits/kudos/comments, my stuff just flies under the radar usually, which suggests that a. i need to improve my summaries and tags and b. i'm just not standing out in this huge fandom

there is so much good and unique writing out there, and i don't have super original ideas, i tend to write things that are pretty simple and short and not super original

and also obviously my mostly canon compliant oneshots won't be able to get attention next to longer aus

and i'm young with lots of time to grow comparing myself to experienced writers but god

i often leave long comments on people's work and make recommendations and analyze what they're doing, i try to support others and hope that the friendships will come but it feels like i'm just here alone

because again i can't stand out

and don't get me started on that boop day which was fun but i gave Way Way More than i received and it felt like a popularity contest in a way

i wish i had better ideas, i wish i could write something more touching

i wish i was likable

i have enough knowledge to recognize good writing but not enough skill to write something good myself

i'm so painfully jealous

even in a large fandom the world is so small and so lonely

it's a self fulfilling cycle where the lack of reception translates into lack of motivation and second-guessing myself and writer's block

i finally scheduled a consultation with student health at my college today, something i should have done years ago

and as i take steps to improve my mental health i hope that i'll start to be able to interact with others in healthier ways and stop comparing myself so much

but for the time being it's just so hard, it's so hard

it's ironic how i joined this fandom because of my connection to aziraphale, someone who is also socially awkward and absorbed in special interests, but it ended up making me feel worse about those traits in myself

bc he is an angel and doesn't care about being cringy, but i am unfortunately human

my partner says i should take a break from tumblr if it's no longer fun for me

i probably should

[eiressofinspirationwrites]

Of Heaven and Hell - Traitorous Heart

Pairing: Crowley x Female OC/Reader x Aziraphale

Word Count: 1381

Warning: Spoilers ahead for Good Omens Season 2 Episode 6.

Description: Aziraphale makes a decision that will change the lives of the ones he loves most.

Note: This fic is written from the second person POV but features a female Half-Demon/Half-Angel OC of mine from this one-shot I wrote several years ago.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Aziraphale!" The angel heard the voice of his partner before they burst through the doors of the bookshop.

"Lia, you're alright," Aziraphale breathed a sigh of relief seeing you already up and around after the injury you'd sustained during the demon's attack on the bookshop. Crowley had whisked you away to the home the three of you shared a few blocks over the second the demons were gone. You'd been in dire need of healing and rest you wouldn't have gotten in the chaos surrounding Gabriel and Beezelbub's revealed tryst. You of course had insisted Crowley return to Aziraphale's side the second you were patched up, "I have the most wonderful news."

"Zira," the crack in your voice made Aziraphale's heart stutter. He hadn't heard that sound from you in decades not since... no he couldn't bare to dredge up that memory, "Please don't do this."

Aziraphale realized Crowley must have already told you what happened between them. 

"You can come with me," Aziraphale took a step towards you, and his face momentarily crumpled when you fell back a step in response and he saw the tears threatening to spill down your face, "The Metatron promised things would be different with me in charge. He told me that Crowley would be welcomed back and you would be permitted entry. We just have to convince Crowley-" 

"You honestly believe that after everything the angels have put me through, put us through they'd just let a demon and a hybrid monstrosity walk right into their ranks with open arms?" you spat, every ounce of disdain and disgust you held against Heaven dripped from your voice like acid, "Do you not remember what they did to me? How they experimented on me? How they fucking hunted me like an animal for centuries because my parents were an angel and a demon? How they hunted and hated a child simply for being born?"

"It will be different now," Aziraphale's eyes pleaded with you, "I'll make things different." 

"You honestly believe you can change a system that has quite literally been like this since the dawn of time?" Aziraphale hated the look in your eyes. The doubt and pain in them was a knife in his chest, "Zi, Crowley was cast out simply for asking questions. What makes you think they will welcome me into their sterile white paradise? I'm an abomination, remember? I'm below the demons in Heaven's hierarchy of trash."

"Please, Azalia," Aziraphale stepped forward to take your hands in his, and this time you let him, "I know they have hurt you. I was the one that pulled you out of that prison the angels locked you up in to do those experiments. I helped Crowley nurse you back to health. I may not have loved you as long as Crowley has but I love you just as much. You know that. Please tell me you know that." 

"I do," you nodded.

"Good," Aziraphale brought a hand up to wipe away the tears now running freely down your cheeks. A small smile graced his lips as you leaned into his touch, your eyes closed, "I wouldn't have proposed this if I thought for a second they would hurt you. I will never let them lay a hand on you in Heaven."

"They don't have to lay a hand on me to hurt me," you whispered and opened your eyes to meet his, "Please, Aziraphale. We've worked so hard for the life we've made here. Why do you want to give it up? We're free here. Finally free after centuries of hiding who we are. In Heaven, there will be rules and expectations even you can't change."

"Azalia," Azirphale started but you cut him off. 

"I know you believe in Heaven. That you believe they can change," you took the hand he held to your face in yours and squeezed it gently as you lowered it, "I wish I could believe in that as much as you do."

"Lia," it was Aziraphale's turn for his voice to crack, "Don't do this. I can't lose you, too." 

"I'm sorry Aziraphale," you let your hands fall from his and began to back away, "I love you so much, but if you go back to Heaven... I can't go with you. Not after everything they've put all of us through. Not just me but you and Crowley. I know you can't see it yet, but Heaven has victimized you, too, and I can't forgive any of it."

Aziraphale was speechless as he watched you turn your back on him and walk for the door just like Crowley had. Hope fluttered in his chest as you paused upon the threshold of the shop. 

"If you change your mind about all of this madness with Heaven," you didn't so much as turn your head as you spoke instead keeping your eyes fixed on the door as you held it, "You know where to find us."  

Not me. Us. 

As you pushed your way out of the bookshop and disappeared into the morning crowds, it hit Aziraphale that he'd lost both of you. You and Crowley chose Earth and each other over him. If the Metatron hadn't walked in seconds after the doors swung shut on your departure, Aziraphale would have fallen apart. He still might. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As you walked away from the bookshop and your partner inside, it felt like you were being burned alive from the inside out by holy water and hellfire all over again. That had nearly killed you nearly 5 decades ago. This might as well. 

You might have fallen apart in the middle of the street if you hadn't found your other partner waiting down the block from the shop by his car. The second you were within arms reach of Crowley, he opened his arms to you. 

A sob escaped your lips as you buried your face into his chest. The familiar scent of him was an immediate comfort as he wrapped his arms around you and rubbed circles on your back. 

"I'm sorry, love," Crowley muttered into your hair before he rested his chin atop your head. He wasn't usually one for public displays of affection but today he made the exception. 

"I tried," you whimpered, your face still buried in his shirt. 

"I knew you would," you could hear the sad smile in Crowley's words. 

Neither of you said anything more or moved for several minutes. Not until you felt Crowley tense. 

You turned away from Crowley enough to face back towards the bookshop but your partner kept you tucked close under his arm. Your heart skipped a beat as you saw Aziraphale exiting the bookshop with the Metatron. 

Aziraphale hesitated by the doors of the lift that would take him back to Heaven. Both you and Crowley held your breath as the angel you both loved so passionately stood on the threshold of a decision that would change your lives forever. If the thoughts of two people alone had the power to change the will of another, Aziraphale never would have taken that final step away from his partners.

"Let's go home," Crowley whispered after the doors to Heaven closed on the pair of angels. 

He was the first to move and ushered you around the Bentley towards the passenger side. He kept his arm around you as he opened the door and only broke contact when you were seated inside the car. 

Your thoughts drifted away from the Bentley as Crowley started the car and pulled away into the street to drive to the home you had once shared with the two loves of your life. 

Now where it had once been three it would only be two hearts in that home. 

You wanted to hate Aziraphale for forcing you to choose like this. You wanted to hate him for being blinded by Heaven and not seeing the truth in why you and Crowley couldn't go. You wanted to hate him for leaving both of you. You wanted to hate him for it all so badly but your traitorous heart wouldn't let you.

You'd loved the Angel of the Eastern Gate so much and for so long it wasn't likely the hurt of today would dim that any time soon.

[queerfables]

Hi okay SO. I have been putting off making an introduction post because I'd mostly prefer people to just look at my blog and decide if they want to hang out based on that, rather than making some big definitive statement about Who I Am.

But I'm currently accumulating followers at a truly alarming rate and - look, I don't want to give the impression I'm ungrateful, I am genuinely SO TOUCHED by every single one of you who's interested in what I have to say!! The feeling is 100% mutual, and I am having a blast sharing everyone's thoughts and enthusiasm. It's just that my goal with this blog is to have fun and do my own thing. I don't hate attention but I'm also not looking for it.

On balance, then, I think it's probably a good idea to give people a general sense of what I'm about so that if it doesn't appeal to you, we can opt out of each other's social circle before anyone steps on anyone else's toes.

My general philosophy:

I am here to have fun. I might occasionally have a little kvetch about some fandom trend or another but ultimately, even if your favourite trope drives me up the wall, I'm genuinely so happy that it is out there bringing you joy. I try very very hard to treat everyone with kindness and to avoid getting caught up in drama.

This isn't a clique it's a community. Please leave commentary on my posts or drop me a message if you wanna chat!

I follow and unfollow pretty liberally and never mean anything personal by it. I might consider you a friend but still unfollow if your current hyperfocus isn't jiving with mine. In turn, I will never take offence to anyone doing the same with me. Regardless of our following status, I'm always up to chat.

I don't do DNIs. Interact if you want to, don't if you don't. Good faith questions and comments are always welcome. Malicious behaviour will be blocked.

Primary Fandoms

Good Omens - I have loved this fandom for years and years, since before the TV show as it exists today was even a twinkle in Neil's eye. I ship Crowley and Aziraphale SO HARD and I am completely blown away by everything that we've gotten since the first season came out in 2019. Fifteen year old me could not even have imagined!!!

Supernatural - Literal opposite energy. I resisted this show for its entire run, after watching the pilot when it aired and thinking "if I watch this, I will end up shipping the brothers, and I am just not prepared for shipping the brothers." Fifteen years later destiel came in swinging with the steel chair and I grumbled and decided I'd better watch it to find out what all the fuss was about. And do you guys know what? I was right all along. I came away from that show obsessed with it as a gothic horror story and shipping the brothers hard. So wincest is my otp, but I'm a multishipper and I have a soft spot for wincestiel, destiel and sastiel too. As a darkfic enjoyer, I also dabble in John/Dean/Sam and variants. I'm not, like, opposed to less-dark takes on this, they just don't do much for me. I'm pretty careful to tag ships in this fandom consistently, so if you don't want to see something, you can blacklist it.

Side Fandoms

You might see these occasionally or for short stretches but they aren't currently taking over my brain the same way Good Omens and Supernatural are.

Ace Attorney (Phoenix Wright/Miles Edgeworth. Queerplatonic Phoenix Wright/Maya Fey. Enthusiastic dabbler in background ships and rarepairs.)

Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild+ (Link/Sidon. Link/Gannon. Bemused Link/Zelda ally [I don't ship it but I'm happy for all of you and enjoy the gender bending fanart].)

Ted Lasso (Roy/Keeley/Jamie. Queerplatonic Ted/Rebecca. Rebecca/Sam enjoyer. Pro-finale loyalist. Every single character is my best friend and also my daughter.)

Hannibal (Will/Hannibal. Margot/Alana enjoyer.)

Tagging

I mostly tag for fandoms and ships (although I'm not currently tagging for Crowley/Aziraphale beyond the parent "good omens" tag. That may change if I settle on a tag I like). I wish that I could tag for triggers requested by people who want to follow me, but realistically, that isn't something I can guarantee and trying just wipes me out. If trigger tags are something you need, we may have to admire one another from afar.

At some point I will add a list of useful organisational tags here but for now you can always just browse back through my archives if you're interested.

[just-sauntered-vaguely-downwards]

Welcome to my ramblings! Tumblr has been my safe space to work through figuring out my sexuality in my mid 30s. And since I have, I feel like myself for the first time in my life. With this, I’ve recently made some big metaphoric and literal moves in my personal life, and I want to be looking forward again. So with that, I wanted to make a post to take over my previous pinned one.

Mainly, I just post related to Good Omens, with occasional other things thrown in.

If you’ve reached my page because of a post that I hate is stuck as the second reblog on a page I don’t chose for it to be or want it in any way, please read what I have to say about it under the cut.

More positively, I started drawing again thanks to feeling inspired by this fandom! I had never drawn on a tablet before, and my first go at it is here. I’m working on it becoming a series that I promise isn’t as depressing as the first 😅

Sometimes I like to dress up as everyone's favorite demon because like many, Crowley is my gender (but also kinda my orientation? I’m not sure what that says about me, if I had a therapist I’m sure they’d love to analyze that. Regardless Crowley is a big part of me discovering my identity and orientation).

I read way too much fanfic, and here are some that are not only my favorites, but they’re ones that have helped me with working through figuring out my sexuality. I liked keeping these pinned in case they help anyone else!

Live In Thy Heart, (Maybe?) Die In Thy Lap by larkthorne (E) note the smut is kinda not skippable in this, it plays a big role in Crowley’s realization that he’s asexual (I literally started taking notes reading this one because I was like “holy shit this is me with partners…”)

Big Name Feelings by ghostrat (E) the smut in this is skippable. But whenever I have trouble explaining how I feel, I seriously just want to make people read the chapters of Crowley explaining things to Aziraphale.

Ships in the Night by tishae (G) very sweet. A lot of the hesitations that I’ve had, but also the fact that they’re still romantic and show physical affection was big for me.

Sometimes I’m slow to respond because life is exhausting, but I love talking to people and making connections so say hi if you’d like!

be kind to yourself and take care

Firstly, I absolute hate that I’m on his page, and check the date I posted it and of my comments, especially before saying abusive or cruel things. Secondly, I’ve since taken down the original that was on my page, there’s no way I know to get the reblog taken down (if you know please let me know!). Since I cant, I no longer check the comments on that post because I was getting obsessive over the fact people don’t seem to care I can’t “take it back” as a post and called me some pretty hateful things without knowing who I am or how I actually feel and it was starting to affect me mentally. However, you can read what I have to say about it here and here.

[myfirstpoetrybook]

good omens scene draft !!

‧˚₊꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒦꒷‧₊˚⊹

It was as if, in the blink of an eye, the bell had rung and the odd lady was standing in his shop. The crow on her shoulder was still, croaking out a small sound every now and again.

Her clothes were tattered and old, just as old (if not older) as Aziraphale’s cotton shirt and waistcoat. she was clean, but unsteady on her feet as she approached the ever so cautious angel.

“oh, good morning!” she said happily, voice a bit strained, “I do hope you could forgive such an intrusion, but could you point me to an apothecary? I’m not from around here,”she had an odd sort of accent, like she hadn’t spoken to a young person, well, ever, actually.

when Aziraphale didn’t respond, simply staring bemusedly, she continued.

“I seem to have run out of willow bark, and i’m simply too weak to go collecting any, the trees are quite a trek away from my cottage. i was hoping i could find some around here..” she trailed off.

Well, the poor lady clearly needed help. what kind of angel would he be to deny her ?

“Why, certainly, dear,” Aziraphale said after some consideration, “i have some in my shop, actually. perhaps you would like to sit with me for tea before you go?”

He does not have any willow bark. He reasons that the woman is clearly ill, and a small miracle wouldn’t hurt. besides, he wants to get to know her better. she’s… familiar, but he can’t quite place her.

she ponders the proposition for a moment. the crow croaks in her ear, and it’s as if she gave into whatever it told her. with shaking knees, she says with a small smile, “well, a little tea never hurt anybody.”

Aziraphale leads her to the back of the bookshop, sitting her down and leaving to fuss with the kettle. the crow croaks once again and spreads its wings, and Aziraphale suddenly realizes the danger to his books this bird poses.

“Um, i hope that your…companion,” he couldn’t think of a better term, “will stay put. i’d hate to have to repair any more books,” he says, trying to be as polite as possible.

“Oh, Nancy?” the woman asks, pointing to the crow, “Oh, don’t worry, she’s absolutely lovely! she will stay right here, won’t you, Nance?” she says, putting her finger to the crow’s beak.

Aziraphale smiles, going back to the tea. He prepares three cups, as Crowley is bound to come in soon.

“Pardon my manners, miss, but i haven’t caught your name. I’m Mister Fell,” he introduced himself with a hand on his chest.

The woman seemed a bit stunned at the question, but recovered quickly enough.

“Oh! Oh, I’m Lilith,” the stranger said with a warm smile.

Aziraphale stops in his tracks. He thinks back to the poor, curious girl in the Garden, crying in confusion as she doesn’t understand why she’s being cast out of her home.

he shakes himself out of his stupor. with nothing better to say, he settles on, “Your mother must have been very interesting to have come up with such a name.”

the woman frowns. “Mother?” and then, a split second later, “Oh, yes, quite. I mean, I think. Didnt know her much.”

finally, Aziraphale sets the tea between them. the woman does not seem to want to talk any longer.

They drink their tea in a comfortable silence, interrupted only by the clinking of porcelain cups and the croaking of a very sleepy crow.

The ringing of a doorbell sounds through the shop for the second time today. Crowley walks in, swagger in his step as he walks to the back.

“You’re welcome, angel. i secured us tickets to the play you were raving on about,” he calls through the shop, and when he gets to Aziraphale, the angel is standing by the table with a most peculiar woman sat opposite him.

“Crowley, my dear,” he begins, his eyes flitting between the two people in the room. “This is Lilith. Be nice.”

the demon is left standing there, taking in the situation.

“Angel, a word.” he says, giving the woman a look so pointed she understands even through the sunglasses.

Aziraphale stammers. “But i-“ though the look on Crowley’s face is enough. Resigned, he follows him.

They move to another end of the bookshop. Crowley takes his glasses off, giving Aziraphale a very intense look.

“What the hell!” He shout-whispers. “Who the hell is that! Why does she look like that! Why is there a crow on her shoulder!” he all but yells out.

“Okay, that’s entirely unnecessary,” Aziraphale scolds him. “She walked in, saying she was sick and needed willow bark. I just made her tea and gave her some, that’s all.”

“Since when do you have willow bark in the shop?!”

“I didn’t, but she seemed to be in desperate need of it!”

Crowley sighs, exasperated. “Angel,” he says slowly, “have you stopped to ask why she needs willow bark? and why she’s dressed like that?”

Aziraphale frowns. “She’s perfectly kind, you know. You could at least try actually talking to her before passing judgement.”

“Fine.” Crowley says, frustrated. “Let’s chat, then.”

When they get back, the woman is just as she was before, if a bit healthier-looking. Crowley collapsed into the chair before her.

“So Lilith,” he draws out her name, “where are you from?”

She blinks once, twice before she responds.

“Oh, a small community, really… a garden of sorts. Not many people at all. Mostly just critters.”

It’s Crowley’s turn to blink excessively.

“Right.” he says, and, unbeknownst to her, narrows his eyes. “And where is that?”

“Oh, you know…” she makes a few vague hand gestures here, “Just… Around here…”

Crowley hums. Then he leans over the table, expression dark and threatening and takes off his glasses.

“Who are you and what the hell are you doing here?”

The woman should have been scared, really. She should have been petrified, scrambling to run away.

Instead, as Aziraphale watched her, he saw the look of recognition on her face.

“Oh, bollocks.”

Before anyone could say anything, the woman was pulling out some sort of item, and ingesting it. Within a split second, a cat is running away from where the woman once sat.

‧˚₊꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒷꒦︶︶︶︶︶꒦꒷‧₊˚⊹

im planning to add this to a fic im writing !! ill add a link when the first chapter is up <3

[i-really-like-phrogs]

Hold up one second, if you're really taking spooky month requests atm, then are there any rules or conditions that we should be aware of? Do they have to involve certain fandoms and such? And are crossovers also allowed?

Thank you so much for asking! That is something I should have clarified in my original post.

(For anyone wondering what the question is referring to, you can find the original post here.)

Rule-wise, my expectations are:

Keep things safe for work and in good taste. (Nothing explicit or political.)

Nothing morally questionable, hateful, or majorly triggering. (e.g.: homophobia, racism, adult/minor relationships, SA, ED, etc.)

Minor amounts of blood, alcohol, or cigarettes are permitted but may be marked by a spoiler to avoid hurting sensitive viewers.

I do not currently have any conditions other than just following my rules. I will be posting a lot of spooky art, but you are not limited to spooky suggestions.

On fandoms, my blog has primarily featured Beetlejuice in all adaptations: (Cartoon, musical, movie, and I hope to get around to Graveyard Revue.)

My most popular posts involve Betty-Juice in different situations/outfits, but I will draw any character you request. 

For viewers outside of the Beetlejuice fandom, I am also interested in:

Good Omens

Elvira: Mistress Of The Dark

Rocky Horror Picture Show

Drag Queens/Fabulous Ladies.

Welcome Home

I will do original prompts/designs based on given ideas, but I suggest sending an appropriate visual aid.  (Messages containing images that violate my rules will be blocked and ignored.) 

Lastly, I am totally cool with character crossovers! Aziraphale having a picnic with Barbara Maitland? Sounds fun. Dr. Frankenfurter and Bettyjuice showing off some stunning looks? You're on. (Please do not use my specific examples… unless you really want to)

Thank you so much for asking this, I hope I’ve cleared up as much as possible.

If anyone has further questions, please use the comment feature so that others can easily see what’s been answered.

[lupawolff]

I've seen a couple good omens witcher aus that keep depicting crowley as jaskier and aziraphale as geralt. Which I absolutely love and it definitely fits in some aspects but my first thought was the opposite and I haven't seen anything about it. So here's my take on it.

The Witcher & His Angel

Crowley as geralt. A man who's trying his best with the cards he was dealt. A witcher with long fiery red hair that rides around on a pitch black horse.

Aziraphale as jaskier. A bard who appreciates food a little more than he probably should. He who endlessly trails after crowley and creates songs about this mighty witcher.

Adam as ciri. The child surprise that crowley swore to protect and care for. The kid that lost his family only to gain another. He who has a magnificent power that can change the world.

Anathema as yen. A witch that's fighting for what she thinks is best. She who wasn't aware of her destiny until it dragged her kicking and screaming. A powerful witch who will stop at nothing to get what she wants.

Bentley as roach. A sassy, petty horse that's always seen with crowley. She plays a long time ongoing joke with her rider, who hates it.

Crowley has sensory issues from going through the trials twice.

Crowley grunts, hisses and purrs more effectively then the others

Crowley's called the hellhound because of his looks and his status as a witcher

Crowley has sharp teeth, long pointed black claw-like nails, and odd yellow eyes with even odder pupils to match.

Crowley calls aziraphale angel because of the way he sings and his overall demeanor

Bentley will neigh or walk in a specific rhythm to a couple songs they heard a bard sing once. This drives crowley insane and bentley will do this nearly every time they go somewhere.

Aziraphale who always carries tea ingredients with him. Who often has ink smeared across his hands from writing.

Aziraphale who sticks out from normal people because he dresses in creams and tans. Along with his bright white hair.

Aziraphale hates conflict yet carries around a sword. A sword he won't talk about the origins of but when unsheathed glows like it was set aflame.

Aziraphale who left a rich cozy life to explore the world. He ran away from his family and it went unnoticed for days, until they needed him for some task but couldn't find him.

I absolutely love this silly little idea and will probably expand on it. Y'all are welcome to ask questions or share general thoughts if ya want!!

[lillbiff]

we make it work

part 1

mention of rape. Alternade universe. body unhappieness

He woke up in the middle of the night. the nightmare... no... the memory... hit him, and woke him in the dark. a demon, forcing him to hold still, while raping him. a couple of days later, left Aziraphale and got back to heaven. Crowley was scared that he might ruin the young child he was expecting. he wanted to end it. but as he stood in front of the holy water, he couldn't end it. he wanted to raise the child. around two years later, did a angel rape him. and he got pregnant again. Crowley hated his body, himself. but he wanted the children to be happy. now he has two daughters. he called the demon girl Sia, and the angel girl Ash. Sia was eighten, and Ash was sixten. Crowley learnt fast, that his daughters have very special personalities. Ash was like a demon. she always pranked her sister, and made fun of her. Sia, on the other hand. was kinda like a angel. she always apologised for things she didn't do. and always wanted to take the blame for her sister. he did his best to raise them corectly, and he had learned pretty soon, to love his daughters. he got up from bed, and decided that he will get a drink before going back to sleep. he moved down the stairs to the kitchen, and looked at his daughter Sia. "Sia? why are you still aw-" "mom! watch out!" a sack of flour hit me in the face, and i blinged a couple of times, before looking at my two daughters. Sia looked with shock at me, while Ash started to laugh. "i'ts fucking two A.M... did you stay up just to build this?" i asked, while grabing a hand towel. "i didn't know about this!" whined Sia. "Ash... you know what that means" i put the towel away, and turned to ash. "the corner of shame?" she asked frustated "the corner of shame" i agreed. Ash walked into a corner on the left, and sat down. i started to clean up, and saw how Sia stood next to me. "can i help?" she asked. "ya know sweetie... how about you grab Ash, and go to sleep huh?" she nodded, and gave me a goodnight hug, before she disapeared with Ash. i sighed. it was around 5 A.M when i got back to bed. i didn't get much sleep though. after one hour, i was already awake again. i made myself ready for the day, send Ash into the corner of shame for insulting her sister, and decided to go shoping for a familiy night. i was looking at some snacks, as i felt how someone put a hand on my shoulder. i turned around, and looked at Hastur. "what are you doing here hastur?" i hissed, with gritted teeth. "just asking how's it going. how are you're daughters?" i just glared at him. "that's none of you're buissnes! go back to hell" i turned around again. "the angel is back on earth. i thought you wanted to know" he said, and left. i stared at the ground... Aziraphale was back... could that be? i decided not to think abaout it for now, and walked back home. i got inside, and looked around for Ash and Sia. Anathema came around a corner, looking at me with a soft smile. "hi Crowley. Ash and Sia let me in. i hope that's ok" she said, and helped me unpack the things i brought. "of course. you're always welcome" she smiled at me, before her face turned a little serious. "Crowley... Aziraphale is back... and he would like to see you" i didn't answer for momend. "well if he wants to... he knows where i live" "he wants to know if i'ts okay when he comes over... he was gone for some years after all" i nodded. "of course it's ok. he can come over whenever he wants" "alright. i call him" she disappeared again. i sat down for a momend, thinking about how his meeting with his ex best friend might turn out.

[sushiandstarlight]

Crowley stirs and takes a deep breath, clearly sobering up.  He’s sitting up straighter.  Well, straighter for him anyway.  Aziraphale hates this time of night and the fact that it comes about every night they are together now.  Almost like clockwork.  Exactly like clockwork, actually.  He’s allowed it because he doesn’t want to crowd Crowley or tie him down.  Really, he doesn’t have to spend any evenings at the bookshop drinking with him. The fact that he does should be enough.  It should be.  He’s tried to let it be.

“I should be heading out,” Crowley plucks his shades from the table and perches them on his nose, standing slowly.

“So soon?”  He says it before he can catch himself.  It’s such a needy phrase, and he is needy.  He needs Crowley to decide to stay.  He watches Crowley cringe minutely, look to the floor and then the doorway and then the table- anywhere except him.  “Or, maybe not.”  An out.  There’s always an out.

“It’s late.”  Crowley fiddles with his needlessly complicated watch.

“It’s early, really.”

“Really late, then.”

Aziraphale sighs and looks away from Crowley.

“I won’t keep you.”  He won’t.  He won’t pin him down to this bookshop and this quiet life.  Crowley’s always been bigger than that, wilder.  He can’t ask him to stay for his sake.  Crowley has to decide that’s what he wants.  But, after so long, so many years of pushing the demon away... He fears he doesn’t even know how to stay.  Maybe he doesn’t even want to anymore.  Maybe this is all out of an obligation of some kind.

Crowley hasn’t moved and hasn’t looked at him, either.  It’s like the man is frozen on the spot, dithering.

“Goodnight, then.”  Aziraphale stands to usher him out.  Maybe he’s waiting for a more obvious sign that it’s okay to leave since Aziraphale said the needy thing.

There’s another silent pause where nothing seems to stir around them, but something does stir between them.  Something slithering and double edged and very, very old.

“I would rather you did.”  It’s said so quietly that if he didn’t have ethereal hearing, he’s sure he wouldn’t have caught it.

“Did what, dear?”  Aziraphale studies him, taking in Crowley’s stiffened stance and his continued reluctance to look at him.  He watches him swallow hard, but otherwise remain motionless in that way that they can because they aren’t entirely human; they don’t need to breathe or fidget or adjust their muscles the way humans do to be comfortable.  But, they do anyway.  The stillness now is unnerving in comparison.  “What would you rather?  You can tell me.”

“Keep me,” it looks like the words are pulled from Crowley against his will and his teeth clench after the second word as if expecting a physical blow to follow in their wake.

“I would, you know.”  Aziraphale watches Crowley break his stance minutely, glancing his way sharply and then away again.  “For as long as you like.”

“As long as I like.”

“mmhmm.”  Aziraphale feels a bubbling of hope somewhere under his lungs- that he doesn’t strictly need- and his first response is to shy away from it.  Instead he decides to grab it with both metaphorical hands.  For both of their sakes.  “You can’t want me to keep you longer than I would like to keep you, I assure you.”

“You’re so sure.”  But, he can feel Crowley looking at him from the corner of his eyes even though he can’t see through the glasses.  Crowley can feel the same hope, he knows it.

“I am positive, Crowley.”

“Could be a very long time...”  The stiffness is still there and Aziraphale wishes he could smooth it away with his hands, make him breathe again; come to life as the creature of motion he knows.

“I am sorry,” he moves slowly towards Crowley, careful to watch for any sign that he should stop, “that I’ve given you the impression that any amount of time with you could be too much.”

“Any?” Crowley can’t look away from him now because he’s directly in front of him, only a couple breaths away.

“May I, please?”  Aziraphale motions to the glasses on his face and Crowley stares for a moment before taking a steadying breath and nodding.  He reaches up and removes them, setting them on the table behind him before straightening back up to face Crowley again.  “I...” And this is hard for him, too, isn’t it?  But one of them has to cross the emotional minefield between them and take a chance. “... would like you to stay.  Please.”

The tension in Crowley’s shoulders visibly melts as his eyes dart back and forth between Aziraphale’s, looking for the honesty in them and finding it.

“There you are,” he reaches up and strokes Crowley’s cheek, “you don’t have to be afraid of me, darling.  It’s okay to want more here.  It’s okay to ask for what you want with me.”  There were more words he was going to say, but he finds himself being kissed suddenly and so softly it makes his heart ache.  He traces his fingers along Crowley’s jawline, behind his ear, and into his hair; holding tight to prove this is absolutely welcome.

“I want to stay,” Crowley says, sucking in a deep breath as he breaks the kiss.  Not only is he making eye contact now, he’s maintaining it steadily.  Aziraphale leans his forehead gently against Crowley’s, savoring their shared breaths.

“Then stay.  Always.”