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captaingoldenpants · 2 months ago

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Helluva Lawyer: Better Call Saul/Breaking Bad X Helluva Boss

Saul was dead.

Not “died”, he had been dead for…about a year now?

He had went on this whole thing about finally accepting that he was Jimmy McGill, and apologizing and repenting for the crimes he committed, but that just wasn't good enough for some people!

He was shanked to death by a former client, unhappy with his defense.

He went back to the Goodman persona in hell, probably as a defense mechanism of sorts. But good news!

Good lawyers were very easy to come by down here, for obvious reasons.

His appearance had changed in death, like all sinners.

An lanky anthropomorphic weasel…well, can't say hell didn't have any irony.

Around the afternoon, Saul was in his office.

Playing desk golf.

“Oh! Oh! C'mon, c'mon c'mon!” Saul commented on his own desk golf game.

The marble sized ball rolled right around the hole…and slid back.

“...dang it.” Just then the lawyers phone began to ring.

What in the-

“Hera! I told you I was busy!” Saul yelled on the phone.

“Yeah, well it's important and I didn't want to hear the brat anymore.”

“What the hell are you-” Saul was cut off by a panicking avian voice.

“Goodman!? Y-You’re Saul Goodman!?” Oh shit-uh-uhhhhh

“Y-Yes! Saul Goodman Attorney at Law!”

“I'm Octavia, Octavia Goetia! M-My dad’s uhh-his-his umm…his imp boyfriend is being judged by Satan! He needs defense! He needs a defense lawyer! Now!”

“Well now, alright. You have to come in person and-”

“There's no time! Please!”

“Wait, wait…the Trial is ALREADY HAPPENING?”

“Yes! You-”

“No can do! I try interrupting Satan, I'll end up with my head so high on a pike folks from heaven will be calling in smell complaints.” Octavia’s voice got a bit watery here.

“P-Please! He-My Dad wouldn't…he'd lose it! Please! I- we can get you money! I promise!”

Now, Saul had fallen deeply into his vices ever since he went to hell. But this reminded him of a better time…when he tried to take moral clients. When he tried to do what was right…when he was working with Chuck.

“... Alright, alright! Fine! Location, now!”

“Satan’s courthouse! It's the big…SATAN’S COURTHOUSE!”

“I got it, alright!?” Saul was immediately pulling up directions to it.

“Ok! So I don't know the specifics but- mom what the-no! Mom we have to do-” Octavia’s phone cut out.

“...Miss Goetia? …Great.”

Ok. So Saul:

Did not have any up front pay, or confirmed pay.

Didn't know the charges.

Didn't know anything about the client, except that he was an imp.

He would begin his defense, MID TRIAL.

And-He would be interrupting Satan.

…Saul had this! After all, he did once convince a woman he was Kevin Costner!

…

“-Why don't you keep fucking yourself, ya big asshole!” Bee insulted Mammon, adding in a middle finger for good measure.

“Why don't we-” Satan interrupted the bickering Sins, but ended up getting interrupted himself.

The offender swung open the court doors.

“Sorry! Sorry, everyone! Hey, hi, hello! Oh, lovely outfit there Ozzie! Apologies about my tardiness, but hoo boy! You would not BELIEVE what the roads are like. I expected the fire, but the traffic is the real hell. Am I right?” Saul Goodman ladies and gentlemen!

He wore a Cyan suit, with a lovely green tie. He carried a dark brown briefcase with him, filled with various random papers from his office.

Upon opening the doors, he simply fast walked in. Giving a wink or point at the people in the stands. Upon reaching the defense desk he placed his suitcase on the table and began shuffling papers, giving an aura of actually knowing what the fuck was going on.

“Who the-WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU!?” Satan slammed his fist on the ground by his side and growled at this fool who DARED to interrupt HIM!

Even for a man who had died before, Saul was shaken.

“Hey umm-uhh yeah, do you mind if I just butt in here? Hey Satan! How about we take a deep breath, and go to our happy place.” Yogirt calmed Satan, being one of the only people allowed to do something like this.

“WHY THE-...Yeah, yeah happy place.” Satan took a deep breath…he did literally hire the Yogi, and it meant nothing if he never did what he said.

Saul had taken some deep breaths, and resumed his air of understanding. Wasn't the first time something like this had happened, the trick was to remain calm and confident. If you give them a hand, they'll take the whole arm.

“Saul Goodman, Attorney at Law of “Goodman and Associates”! This is my client, and this is thereby my trial! Now on that note, why the hell are they gagged and bound?” Satan breathed deeply. Saul had the edge here, he could feel it.

“They were being mouthy.”

“Mouthy? As in they were talking? What else are they supposed to be doing, your honor?” Satan breathed deep again. Happy place…happy place…

“I would like to respectfully ask that the gag’s are removed, so that my clients may have a fair chance.” …damn it, this lawyer was good.

With a snap of his fingers, the gag's came off.

“Fucking finally!” Blitz yelled out in anger.

“Yeah! Fucking finally!” Loona yelled the same, as Saul put his finger up.

“Could-Could you both just let me handle this?” Without waiting for a response he continued “Thank you, thank you.”

“Okay, your honor. Now I wish to know the exact crimes that my client is being accused of.” Goodman inquired.

“Assault, robbery, attempted murder, and traversing the mortal realm without proper credentials.” …Oh.

Ooohhh…

Ohhhh this was bad.

“Well, that is-”

“All of these crimes were committed against a Ars Goetia.”

“No it fuckin-” Blitz was shushed by Saul.

“Just shut up and let your lawyer talk okay? Okay. Your honor, where is the accuser?” Andrealphus spoke up here.

“I am speaking on their behalf, due to their lack of presence here today. It would be invariably damaging to his mental health to have to face this VILE DISGUSTING imp who ABUSED him!” Andrelphus played it up.

“Your honor that's conjecture!” Saul stood up and objected to this.

“Yeah! He's fucking right! Whatever that is!” Blitz flipped off Andrealphus, not helping his case at all.

Satan rubbed the bridge of his snout. The fun part of these trials was the punishment and power, not legal mumbo jumbo!

“Si! This entire trial so far has been a montón de mierda! Hell, Stolas isn't even here! Or Stella!” Vassago ranted, and Saul perked up.

“Wait a minute, if I'm hearing this correctly the accuser is not present? And the accuser is accusing on behalf of the victim? Your honor there are far too many degrees of separation here to conduct a fair trail.”

“Oh my Lucifer…okay. What do YOU suggest that WE do?” Satan was barely hanging onto his calm facade. Yogirt was rubbing his shoulder, trying to keep the big man relaxed.

“I believe that a recess is in order. You keep the accused in custody, and we reconvene in…a week?” Saul shrugged.

“Three Days. Three days and we have our final verdict. Am. I. Clear?”

“Three days! Perfect your honor! Thank you so much!” Saul bowed, the ball was in his court here.

People sighed at having to continue this stupid trial, and Saul went to his clients.

…

Later, in an interrogation room.

“Alright, so thanks for helping…I guess? But why the-” Saul cut him off.

“Err! Let's pump the brakes here, alright? First of all, my payment.” He took out a pen and business card.

“For a case of this magnitude, you're gonna have to pay for premium. $500,879. I'll write it down on the back of the card so you don't forget, Five Zero Zero Eight Seven Nine. Then you'll call your boyfriend or husband or ex or whatever the prince is to you, and have him write it out to “Ice Station Zebra Associates”, that's my loan out totally legit. Money order please, and then we can discuss Sinza or Mammoncard. But not Greed Express, so don't even try.” Saul knew this whole spiel by heart. The only difference was the numbers, and in this case the credit cards.

Before he could continue, the door once again burst open. Why was there so much door interrupting going on?

“Blitzyyyy!” Stolas ran in and hugged the imp.

“Why the-are you okay!?” Blitz rolled his eyes and feigned uncare.

“Yeah, yeah, I'm fine…just that your asshole brother in law is effing everything up.” Blitz bemoaned.

Before he could continue, Saul interrupted the on and off again lovers.

“Oh, so you're Stolas? …Thought you would have been taller.” Saul then gave the same spiel he gave Blitz, and tucked the business card in Stolas’s cape necklace thing. “Now, assuming you don't want to be beheaded or whatever other form of execution the big fella’s thinking, you have to tell me EXACTLY what happened.”

So, after a lengthy explanation, Saul sighed and face palmed.

“...whew…alright we are-we are not in a good spot here. Okay?” Saul almost defensively put his hands up.

“But let me tell you this. You are going to get the best criminal, criminal defense attorney money can buy. Alright?” Saul packed up his things.

“You three-” He pointed at M&M and Loona. “Are gonna be fine. I'll send a email to Satan right when I get outta here, he won't wanna do extra paperwork. Now me, the boss, and the bird are gonna meet here right after morning chow to discuss a battle plan and strategy. Alright?”

“What!? I'm not staying in this damn joint all night! I'm busting outta here fucking AS-fucking-AP Bitch!” Blitz protested.

“Huh. Aren't you classy? Well too bad, because I need time to talk to my people and get things ordered together. Alright? Look, I'm a lawyer okay? A GOOD lawyer taking this case with ZERO knowledge of what's going on. If bird brain’s kid here didn't call me, I'd be reheating last night’s casserole by now. Sit down, stay quiet, and try not to shank anyone in the chow line alright?”

“Hell-No! Busted outta a joint before, I can do it again.”

“Ugh, Blitz! Just-Please? For me?” Loona pleaded.

“...Fffffffffffucking fine.” Blitz shrugged, and got escorted out by the guards. Saul’s email went through, and the other members of IMP were let go.

While Saul was walking down the steps of the courthouse, Stolas huddled with him.

“Look, Mr Goodman? I-I have an idea okay?”

“Alright? Shoot.”

“Don't these things have like…plea deals?” Stolas remembered a scene in his Hell-o-Novella.

“Well…yes but-!”

“What if I confess in exchange for immunity for him?” Saul put his hand up dismissively.

“Not a chance. First off, only reason I took this failure of a case is cause your daughter has a convincing voice. You think she'll be happy that her dad is a prison wife to Buffalo fricken Bill? Second off, if you get canned where am I gonna get my pay? Not from Mr Assassin, I can tell ya that much!”

…

Saul, Blitz, and Stolas sat in the interrogation room.

“Hey there, Andy. How's jail been, huh?” Saul asked Blitz, making a reference the convict didn't understand.

“Shitty, how do you think?” Blitz made the obvious known. He was understandably unhappy at his brand new Orange Wardrobe, and at the cuffs on his wrists.

“Yeah, well my chi ain't exactly flowing either. Okay, so you cash that check yet eh princy?”

Stolas stiffened, and rubbed his right arm.

“I uhh…don't…have the money.”

“What?” Saul interrogated.

“I do not have the money.” Stolas finished.

Saul threw his hands up.

“Really…Welp, we're done for then.”

“What? No, no! You-Didn’t you promise Octavia you'd do this!? I-I can pay you with my stuff!” Blitz hated being forced to beg, but he wasn't crazy about execution either.

“This isn't just about feeding my greed, alright? I got guys to pay, overhead. We don't get the money, we don't have much of a chance!” Saul explained.

“It's with my ex wife, so-so it's not gone!” Stolas hung on to the only life line he had here.

“Just-Just right now. How much do you have on you?”

“Well…the only income I still get is the $5000 monthly allowance from my father…” No way.

“But uhh…after paying all my things…rent, food, employee salaries…”

“How. Much?” Saul demanded, and Stolas took a deep breath.

“At the end, I have $327 dollars left for luxuries.” Saul threw his hands back.

“Oh, okay then! So we're fucked!” Blitz bemoaned.

At most, if he spent all of IMP’s budget and managed to sell all those collectible plates at full price he'd still only be at like…not enough. What? Moxxie was the one who did numbers!

“Ahh that's just…great. This case just keeps getting better and better, huh? Alright, so how much does your ex wife have?”

“At least $2 million, Mr Goodman.”

“Alright, so we gotta get the cash from your wife…and that's not even mentioning the other issues. Stella and Andrealphus’s interviews came in. Both claim that they saw you acting nervous and a lot shakier this past year, when the divorce happened she began noticing you with bruises and cuts which you claimed happened from falling down the stairs, finally she claims that she saw Blitz beating Stolas on the 18th, and immediately called Andrelphus. The phone records might have been altered, but nevertheless they show a 17 minute call from Stella’s phone to his. 4:00 to 4:17.” Stolas paled, and Blitz slammed his head into the table.

“Great. I'm getting executed. Saul, you need to make sure all my stuff goes to Loona.” Stolas spoke now.

“Oh just…just shut up, okay!? That's not how will’s work, and we are NOT going to give up that easily!” Stolas scolded his boyfriend as the imps head hung low.

“What he said. I gotta plan…” Saul huddled with his clients, and began to explain one of the greatest schemes Slippy Jimmy's concocted.

…

Striker missed his cave hide out.

He was having to live in a small adobe shack on the outskirts of wrath.

At the very least, it had cable so he could watch his westerns and a stable for Bombproof.

He sighed as he walked outside.

“Ohhh Bombproof~! Who wants a tasty cactus fruit with no Benadryl in it~?” Bombproof wanted the tasty cactus fruit with no Benadryl in it!

But.

The tasty cactus fruit he chewed on and swallowed, did in fact have Benadryl in it.

Striker hated having to do this, but Bombproof gave him no choice but to do so. It was the only way Striker could administer a shot.

But, his phone rang. The cowboy checked the caller id, unknown.

He answered it.

“Hello?”

“Yes? Hello? Is this Striker?” A greasy voice spilled out of the phone.

“Yeah…how you know my name?”

“This is uhh, Gene Takovic at B.N.M? Well, first of all I just wanna say I am so sorry for your loss.”

Striker was confused. He hadn't had anyone close to him die recently…just a benefit of not being close to people.

“What? Ain't no one died near me.”

“Really? Your great uncle Earl?”

“My who? I don't have a great uncle. Or know anyone named Earl. Ain't got no family no more.”

“Oh really? I just-assumed you and him were close. Well, anyway his estate's in your name now. You're his last living relative.”

That caught Striker's attention.

“Really now? Well, ain't that something.”

“Yeah, I sent the $250 or so dollars to you already.”

Ah. So that's what that package was. Striker just thought it was a tip from a client or something.

“Got it. Was that all?”

“No, uhh there is a small issue at hand. Just some issues with changing hands and all. We just have a few security questions for you, nothing personal.”

“Well, shoot!”

The lawyer asked Striker the question’s. What was his Email, his Password, mother's maiden name, all that stuff.

“That it?”

…

“Yes. Thank you very much sir, we’ll send you a check ASAP.” Saul hung up the phone.

Goodman looked across his desk at Mike.

Mike was a sinner demon. By death, he had turned into a rhinoceros with facial hair made of cattails.

“Alright, where did you want the meet again?” Saul asked his private eye.

…

Stella was pissed.

Granted she was usually pissed, but now it was worse.

First her Husband isn't executed, then she has to spend an hour getting coached by Andrealphus on what to say in the interview, and then she had to actually do the interview!

This was all bullshit!

Unfair, stupid, bullshit!

Oh, and to top it all off!? Striker just HAS to have a meeting immediately!

And it can't be over the phone, can't be at any good coffee shop, it HAD to be this ratty motel!

Her anger was interrupted by a knock on the door.

She waited for a butler to open the door as there was another knock.

…Oh yeah, she was alone here.

She sighed loudly, and went to open the door. Letting the cowboy in.

Wait no, that's not striker. That's some Rhino.

“What in Lucifer's-” But Mike already pushed his way in, shutting the door behind him.

“Who the hell are you!?” Stella was somehow even more pissed off.

“That doesn't matter. Here's what’s gonna happen. You're gonna reach in ya cummerbund, and take out your checkbook.” Ehermantraut ordered before Stella laughed.

“Oh! That's a good one. I bet Andrelphus hired you. You can go now.” Stella shooed with her hands. Even Mike was taken aback at her cluelessness.

“Not a performer. Here's what's gonna happen. You're gonna reach in your cummerbund, left side, and take out your checkbook. I saw you take the checkbook out 12 minutes ago to buy those earrings.”

“How fucking dare you! You stalker son of a bitch!” Stella picked up a lamp and was about to chuck it at Mike.

“You're not gonna do that. Considering that this room was prepaid, you have not interacted with any staff so far and there is zero proof that you were ever here. Adding onto that if you throw that, you will have to write a check to pay for it. Otherwise, you will be tried under vandalism. Same thing with if you kill me.” Mike knew how to deal with spoiled brats. The trick was to remain firm and constant.

“An Ars Goetia should not be found in a seedy place like this. If you throw that, attack me, or kill me, then you will be forced to explain why you were here to everyone. Exposing your scheme. Understand?” Stella was shocked and taken aback, dropping the lamp on the bed.

“That's-That’s not fair!” She hung to one of her only lifelines.

“It is. Now you're going to take out your checkbook.”

“But-But-”

“You are going to take out your checkbook.”

Stella huffed. She didn't have a choice…one of the only times in her life where yelling, hitting and screaming wouldn't solve anything.

She slowly took out her checkbook…

“Now you are going to write out a check. $500,879. That's Five, Zero, Zero, Eight, Seven, Nine. Made payable to Stolas Ars Goetia.” Stella halted her pen.

“That-That damn Imp fucking bastard!? Like hell I'm giving anything to him! He is a idiotic crybaby adulterer! He-He is loud and annoying and he just cries like ALL the time! Oh and he sings these just horrible songs! The tone deaf idiot! He is a imp fucking, lower class roaming, disgusting, wimpy, failure of a man and person!”

“Hmph. Is that so? Well, you're gonna continue writing that check. Five, Zero, Zero, Eight, Seven, Nine. Made payable to Stolas Ars Goetia. Need me to spell it for ya?”

“No I-I will call Andrelphus when I'm out of here! Yes! Mhhm! He-He’ll find you!”

“You don't know my residence, you don't know my occupation, you don't even know my name. Besides, do you really wanna get chewed out by him?”

No! No that was…Stella was backed in a corner…

“There we go…Thank you.” Mike took the check out of her hands and walked to the door.

“Oh, and by the way. If this check bounces, or doesn't go through? We're gonna have another talk. And I don't think you want that, do you?”

…

Great. Andrealphus’s day was just going perfect. Yesterday Stella spends $500,000 dollars on jewelry, and the day before that he had to spend HOURS coaching Stella on what to say in the interview!

Now, Stolas call’s him and he just HAS to talk in person. This tea had BETTER be good. Oh who was he kidding? Pringles made some damn fine scones. Especially with that Cinnamon glaze…mmm…

“Hold on a second sir.” A rhinoceros sinner demon by the Castle’s front doors held up and hand and stopped him.

“Excuse me?” Andrelphus said, almost aghast at this tomfoolery.

“I'm the new security consultant. Everyone who's not Octavia Ars Goetia, or Stolas Ars Goetia are to be searched.”

“What? I'm Andrelphus Ars Goetia. Stolas’s brother in law? Octavia's Uncle? I should be allowed in.”

“Sorry sir. Only two people allowed in without a search are Octavia and Stolas Ars Goetia.”

“Ughhhhhhhhhhghghghhhhhhhhhhhhghhhhhhhhhghhhhhhhh!” Andrelphus drew out his annoyed groan and began opening his pockets.

He didn't have many pockets, so he also carried around a purse. It was a dark blue leather, with a snowflake design at the top.

The security consultant looked everything over, opening the purse and picking up some items in the process.

“Alright, sorry about this sir.” He handed everything back to the Goetia.

“You better be.” Andrelphus yanked his items back, and went to go talk to Stolas.

When he arrived on the patio, Stolas happily poured him a cup of tea and handed him one of those heavenly scones.

“Andre! So glad to see you.” The Jack Frost wannabe took his own seat with a scowl.

“Considering that we are currently at odds, your graciousness is more than a little suspicious.” Stolas waved his hand.

“Oh, it's all just water under the bridge as far as I'm concerned! I was just uhh, wondering if I could talk to you about colleges for Octavia?” This peaked Andre’s interest.

There was not much he loved more than having his ego stroked, and having Stolas come to him for expertise? That was great. After all, Andrelphus’s branch of the family had been alumni and donors to several of the most prestigious colleges in all the seven rings.

“Well now! Isn't that interesting…”

…

Right when Andrelphus was out of sight, Mike took the planner he stole and walked to a nearby trash can.

“Got it Goodman. Time to get to work.” Said Lawyer began to rise out of his hiding spot.

“Yeah, yeah, oww…it's my knees alright? Making a man with bad knees hide in the garbage, I'm not charging these people enough.”

“You got your check, and I got my money. Now get to work.” Saul took the tracing paper and pencil out of his pockets.

“I'm working on it! Whew, Miss Cawolski’s 2nd period art don't fail me now!” Saul first opened the planner to the 18th, seeing it was blank. This meant that Andrelphus’s story checked out…

Saul then began to go through the planner, placing the tracing paper over the letters and numbers he needed to copy.

When it was all said and done, it was said that on the 18th a dinner party was held at Stolas’s Mansion. At exactly the time the call was supposed to take place.

And it said this, in the bird’s own hand writing.

In fact, Saul finished it just in time to pass it to Pringles.

When Andrelphus got tired of his ego being pumped full of hot air, said butler then took Andrealphus bag to carry, and slipped the planner back in.

…

Satan’s courthouse, Pride Ring. Mid afternoon,

This would be the trial that decided the fate of Blitzø Buckzo.

There was a dark air in the room, and the only conversation’s held were hushed.

Stolas was present today, and so was Octavia. Both in the Goetia’s section.

Satan sighed. He hated when a trial had to be an actual trial.

“All rise for the trial of Blitzø Buckzo V Ars Goetia. Oh also, this had better be quick.” Satan sat down, and Andrelphus stood up.

“On behalf of my, beautiful, sister. I accuse that DIRTY imp of abusing, harming, stealing from, and attempting to kill my brother in law! As well as traversing the Mortal realm without any proper cause!” He yelled with a point.

“We already had the assassin come forth, right? So I mean, what's even the point anymore huh?” Mammon said, getting a chorus of agreement.

“Well-I would say that you should hold that thought, sir.” Saul held up a finger, silencing the crowd.

“If I may, your honor, I would like to call the Assassin to the stand.” With a huff Satan honored his request, and Striker was brought up.

Striker realized that Saul and Gene were the same, and snarled at his own lack of foresight. His own greed did tend to blind the cowboy.

He'd shoot Saul. Not now, but definitely in the near future. Or stab him.

“Mr Striker, around 29 minutes ago a dear friend of mine shook your hand.” Striker remembered the elder who he talked about horses with outside the courthouse.

“Yeah? So what? I ain't allowed to meet people?” Striker shrugged.

“He noticed a ink smudge on his hand after shaking yours.” Andrelphus stood up aghast.

“So!? He probably just got it on his hand before he even met him!” Andrealphus defended.

“Well, then why don't you just raise your hands Mr Striker?” Saul countered.

“...No.”

“Oh? Why is that?”

“I uhh…I gotta-a thing about it. Childhood trauma, you know?” Striker sheepishly shrugged, looking for any form of defense. In response, Saul changed his assault tactic.

“Phew! You, my friend, have a lot more guts than I. Not many people would be willing to lie to Satan in front of his face!” Thankfully, Satan took the bait Saul layed.

“Oh my Lucifer-JUST RAISE YOUR FUCKING HANDS!” Now Striker was a rebel. He had always been a rebel. But when Satan himself tells you to do something, you don't really have a choice.

With a groan, Striker raised his hands. Revealing the notes Andrelphus had him scrawl on his hands.

“Hah! Sins and Goetia, I think you can see that it is obviously plain that this witness was tampered with! As his testimony is the only thing connecting my client to the attempted murder of Stolas, and the theft of the grimoire and it's usage, I ask that these 3 charges be thrown out!”

“Yeah bitch! How you like them apples you cloaca having fuck face!?” Blitz said, in Andrelphus's direction, cussing as much as he always did.

“Really? I just filed all the…I suppose that all makes sense. But there's still the assault charge.” Satan waved his hand while waiving the charges.

With this decision, Saul had already talked Satan down from the death penalty to at most 50 years.

“Yeahhhhh! Daddy's coming home baby!” It was unclear if Blitz was yelling to Stolas or Loona. Though both shared the same expression of embarrassment.

Saul debated asking for the gag to be put back on Blitz. But decided against it helping his case.

“Heh, what a wordsmith huh folks?” Saul appealed to the crowd.

“Do any of you see this!? With how VILE, RUDE and CRASS this imp speaks how can he be anything BUT an abuser!?” Andrelphus was grasping at straws here, and it failed miserably.

“The fuck are you talking about?” Satan asked.

“Si, ¿qué carajo?” Vassago swore in his native tounge.

Right before Blitz was about to unleash his own stream of obscenities Saul put his hand over his mouth.

“Just-Just shut up and let me handle this! Eww, why'd you lick me!?” Saul pulled his hand back, wiping it on his suit.

“Okay, so uhh…50 years? Yeah? That f-” Satan tried to deliver a verdict.

“We have more to say your honor!”

“Oh my-Fine!”

“Thank you, your honor. We would like to call to the stand, Andrealphus himself!” Said Goetia was aghast!

“What!? You-That is not allowed!”

“I'm uhh, I'm pretty sure it is.” Satan spoke.

“Well it-it shouldn't be! This compromises the integrity of the trial because it uhh…”

“GET ON THE FUCKING STAND!” Yogirt had to come in again.

“Hey Satan, remember to ground yourself~! You know, “two feet on the floor”?”

“Yeah, yeah.” The frosty prince was brought up. He would have been sweating, but it probably froze.

“So, Andrealphus. When exactly did Stella call you again?”

“On-On the 18th. It was around 4? I had just finished chapter 8 of “The collected history and Anthology of Ice Spells (Vol 19)”. It was the chapter about, I think, making weapons frosted?”

“Ok, ok…do you have a PDA? Or some other way of marking your schedule?”

“Yes. I always tend to have my planner with me.”

“Could you please open it to the 18th, and show it to us?”

“Yes. I-” Andrealphus took it out, and opened it to the 18th before stopping abruptly.

This-This was all wrong! He wasn't anywhere on the 18th! Sure he didn't get a call, but he was home all day!

“Mr Andrelphus? Could you please show it to us?” Saul continued, his scheme succeeding.

“I-I-”

“JUST SHOW THE DAMN THING!” Almost all the sins said in unison. Not Satan though. He was finding his happy place. And not Lucifer. He was busy making duckies.

Slowly, Andrelphus brought up the planner…clear as day, in his own handwriting, it read “Dinner Party at Stolas's Mansion. 3:00 pm-6:00 pm.”

“Well-I didn't feel well that day so I didn't-”

“Oh shut up, you were there!” Stolas yelled out with a point. A bit dramatic, but Mike coached them well.

“Yeah! I was also there! He ate like, 7 scones.” Vassago added.

“Probably forgot it because of how much he drank…you got really drunk uncle Andre.” Octavia added her own section to the script, but it worked.

“I didn't do a thing!” Andrelphus slammed his hands slammed his hands on the stand, ice emanating from the strike.

“There wasn't any party! I wasn't there! I didn't eat any scones, and I certainly didn't get drunk! I didn't write this in my planner! Some-Someone else did! This is-it was a spell! It must have been! I'd never get that drunk! You all know I wouldn't get blackout drunk! I've never done it before! This is all-this is a conspiracy! I won't stand for it! This-this chicanery!” Andrelphus's freak out ended with another desk slam. His pupils had shown and snow fell around him.

“Damn…” Loona was aghast.

“Oh my Lucifer…” Beelzebub was also surprised.

Seeing a prim and proper man like him lose it was always a strange sight.

“I-I mean…what I meant to say was-” Satan cut him off.

“Great. So now it's revealed that this ENTIRE THING HAS BEEN A IDOTIC WASTE OF MY TIME!” Satan slammed his fists down, lava splashing where he hit.

“IF YOU EVER ATTEMPT TO PLAY ME LIKE THAT AGAIN, I WILL BURN YOU TO A CRISP AND GRIND ANYTHING THAT REMAINS INTO YOUR SISTER'S FACE!”

“Y-Yes sir! I am-I don't know what-”

“Blitzo Buckzo is freed from any and all charges! But you had BETTER NOT SHOW UP HERE AGAIN!” Satan got down near him, snorting out steam. Saul wasn't afraid. It was like he was looking through the devil.

“Yes sir! You won't ever see me again!” Blitz smiled as Stolas and Loona ran over and hugged him. Millie and Moxxie followed soon after.

“Thank you Goodman. I-...He wouldn't have been okay without you.” Octavia told the lawyer, who remained still.

“Yes, thank you very much Mr Goodman.” Stolas bowed, showing his father's teaching held no meaning.

“Saul, you get a permanent 50% discount on any IMP assassinations! ...Goodman? GOODMAN!” At Blitz’s yelling, Saul finally got out of his mind fog.

“Huh? Oh, oh yeah we won…hooray.” Jimmy straightened his tie.

“Yep, told ya you'd get your money's worth! I-I uhh…got-got business to be doing.” He handed out business cards to everyone around him.

“Remember, D.U.I? Sue? Anything? You get locked in jail, you “Better Call Saul”!” Saul posed with a point. The memories of Chuck being buried again.

Saul then left the courthouse, brushing off any thanks, Andrelphus's threats, and Mike's debrief.

Saul walked back to his apartment, a seedy place in the entertainment district of Pentagram City.

He chose this because it was close to a lot of potential clients, including the Vee’s.

He walked into the apartment, tossing off his jacket and pouring a whisky.

He turned on the TV, watching some random show. He saw one of his own commercials.

When it finished, he paused and rewinded.

As he rewatched the commercial, he realized why he helped that girl.

It felt like he was redeeming himself. Saving another family.

It made Saul feel ok again…no.

It made Jimmy feel ok again. For a second, he forgot.

#helluva boss #better call saul #breaking bad #crack fic #saul goodman #blitzø #stolas #stolitz #mastermind #mike bullies Stella

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