#autisticwellbeing

[auniverseoffriends]

How to Handle It When You and Your Friend Have Different Social Needs

Friendships thrive when there’s an understanding of each other’s unique social needs. When you and your friend have different social needs, it can lead to misunderstandings, frustration, or feelings of disconnection. However, by approaching these differences with empathy and respect, you can find a balance that allows both of you to maintain a healthy friendship.

Recognizing Different Social Needs

Understanding Personal Preferences

What It Looks Like: One friend might need a lot of alone time to recharge, while the other may prefer more frequent social interaction. It’s important to recognize that these needs are valid and don’t reflect the value of the friendship.

How to Spot It: If one friend feels overwhelmed in large social settings or needs time to process before responding, they might need space, while the other might thrive in group conversations or constant communication.

Awareness of Sensory Preferences

What It Looks Like: As an autistic person, sensory needs can greatly impact social interactions. Some may find bright lights or loud noises uncomfortable, while others may be more tolerant. Being mindful of these preferences helps foster respect in the friendship.

How to Spot It: You might notice your friend becoming anxious, overwhelmed, or distracted in certain environments, or they might express a need to leave early due to sensory overload.

How to Address Different Social Needs

Have an Open Conversation

What It Looks Like: Share your feelings and needs with each other. For example, let your friend know if you need more quiet time or if you find frequent texting overwhelming. Ask them about their preferences as well, so you can both make accommodations that feel comfortable.

How to Spot It: If both friends express their social needs in a calm, non-judgmental way, you can start finding a balance that works for both.

Set Clear Boundaries

What It Looks Like: It’s important to set boundaries that respect both of your needs. For example, if your friend likes texting all day and you prefer short, less frequent texts, communicate that in a gentle way. Setting a time frame for conversations can help manage expectations.

How to Spot It: Setting boundaries may look like agreeing on specific times to meet up or checking in with each other about what level of social interaction feels comfortable.

Respect the Need for Space

What It Looks Like: If your friend needs space to recharge, respect that and don’t take it personally. Likewise, if you need time alone, communicate that with kindness. Sometimes, space is necessary for emotional well-being, and it doesn’t mean the friendship is in danger.

How to Spot It: After spending time together, your friend may express a need to be alone or you might notice yourself feeling drained and needing a break.

Be Flexible and Compromise

What It Looks Like: Flexibility is key. If your friend enjoys attending social events but you prefer quieter settings, find a middle ground. Maybe meet at a quieter spot after the event or agree on activities that align with both of your preferences.

How to Spot It: Compromise could be a weekend outing where one friend enjoys something social while the other enjoys a peaceful moment afterward, ensuring both needs are met.

Offer Understanding and Patience

What It Looks Like: Recognize that social needs may shift depending on individual moods, circumstances, or even sensory overload. Showing patience and understanding when your friend needs time to themselves or prefers minimal interaction helps prevent misunderstandings.

How to Spot It: You might notice your friend being more sensitive to social gatherings, or your own emotional state could impact your level of interaction. Be patient with each other and be willing to adapt.

What to Do When Things Feel Challenging

Check-in Regularly

What It Looks Like: Ask your friend how they’re feeling about the balance in your friendship and whether their social needs are being respected. This helps avoid any resentment from building up.

How to Spot It: Regular check-ins can help adjust how much time you spend together and ensure both of you are feeling comfortable in the friendship.

Give Each Other Grace

What It Looks Like: If one friend unintentionally oversteps or fails to meet the other’s social needs, offer grace. Understand that navigating different social needs can take time and that occasional misunderstandings will happen.

How to Spot It: If one of you feels upset or disappointed, addressing the situation with kindness and understanding can help move past it.

Respect Each Other’s Individuality

What It Looks Like: Every person has unique social preferences, and recognizing those differences strengthens friendship. Accepting your friend for who they are and appreciating their needs, even when they differ from yours, allows the friendship to flourish.

How to Spot It: If you see your friend making efforts to meet your needs while also expressing their own, it’s a sign of mutual respect and care.

[dmnsqrl]

Posted @withrepost • @aut.in.sight_aut.in.mind My anxiety around social interaction has nothing to do with social anxiety. Yep, it’s true. In psychological terms, social anxiety is a fear of being judged, negatively evaluated, and/or rejected by others. I don’t feel fearful of these things. I do feel anxiety about impending overwhelm that comes with social interaction. I feel anxious about the cognitive resources I will have to use, and the time it will take me to recoup them afterwards. I feel anxious about the sleepless nights before AND after, as my body is on high alert due to upcoming unfamiliarity and then can’t unwind due to overstimulation. I feel anxious about the neuro-normative expectations associated with socialising, and the way people can take a lack of social contact really super personally. When I avoid social interaction, I am rationing my resources in an act of self-care. It’s not pathological or maladaptive avoidance. It’s healthy for me and my way of being in the world. Invite me to co-write an academic paper on a topic of mutual interest via a shared document in Dropbox- I’m in! But invite me to an event, or out for coffee, or for any face-to-face social endeavour and I’m likely to say “no”. It’s not a personal rejection. Just as declining an invitation from me to write an academic paper via Droppy of the boxes isn’t a personal rejection. We just have different ways of being in , and connecting with, the world. I’m not socially anxious; I’m anticipating the very real overwhelm that comes with socialising for me. #ActuallyAutistic #SocialOverwhelm #SocialAnxiety #AutisticWellbeing #Autie #autinsightautinmind https://www.instagram.com/p/B3UFsMYDmaHdZNyYR98kFqjh-kjCQ2liJJMuDk0/?igshid=1od7mamnxb3up

[shapingautismresearchuk]

Beware neurotypical assumptions! Wellbeing is more than ‘happy’: inclusion, valuing people, respect, listening, acceptance

[auniverseoffriends]

How to Handle Feeling Overwhelmed in Friendships

It’s natural to feel overwhelmed in friendships, especially when social interactions become too intense or frequent. For autistic individuals, sensory overload, emotional exhaustion, or difficulty processing complex social dynamics can contribute to these feelings. The key is recognizing when you’re overwhelmed, understanding the cause, and finding ways to manage it without feeling guilty.

Here’s a guide to help you handle feeling overwhelmed in friendships:

1. Recognize the Signs of Overwhelm

The first step is identifying when you’re feeling overwhelmed. These signs may look different for each person, but common indicators include:

Sensory overload (feeling overstimulated by noise, lights, or conversations)

Emotional exhaustion (feeling drained, irritable, or disconnected)

Difficulty focusing or processing information

A desire to retreat or avoid socializing

Physical symptoms like headaches or tiredness

✅ Example: “I’m starting to feel really drained and need a break from everything right now.” ✅ Example: “My mind feels foggy and I can’t keep up with the conversation, I need to step away for a bit.”

💡 Tip: It’s okay to feel overwhelmed—being aware of it is the first step to managing it.

2. Take a Step Back and Honor Your Need for Space

When you start feeling overwhelmed, it’s important to take a step back and give yourself permission to take space. This could mean physically removing yourself from a situation or mentally distancing yourself by focusing on something calming.

✅ Example: “I’m going to take a walk and recharge for a bit. I’ll reach out later.” ✅ Example: “I need some quiet time to process everything. Let’s talk later.”

💡 Tip: Taking space doesn’t mean you’re rejecting your friends; it’s a healthy way to reset so you can engage more positively later.

3. Communicate Your Needs to Your Friend

Once you recognize that you’re feeling overwhelmed, it’s helpful to communicate that with your friend in a gentle, honest way. This can prevent misunderstandings and help your friend understand that you’re not avoiding them, just taking care of yourself.

✅ Example: “I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now and need some time to myself. It’s nothing personal, I just need to recharge.” ✅ Example: “I’ve been talking a lot, and I’m starting to feel overstimulated. Let’s catch up later when I’m feeling better.”

💡 Tip: Your friend will likely appreciate your honesty. Most friends would rather you take space and feel good than push yourself to keep going when you’re overwhelmed.

4. Practice Self-Compassion

It’s easy to feel guilty for needing a break from social interactions, but it’s important to practice self-compassion. Remind yourself that it’s okay to prioritize your mental and emotional health, and that taking care of yourself benefits your friendships in the long run.

✅ Example: “It’s okay to need a break. I’m doing this for myself so I can be a better friend later.” ✅ Example: “Taking care of my needs helps me feel better, and that means I can show up as my true self in the friendship.”

💡 Tip: Be kind to yourself and remind yourself that needing time to recharge is a natural part of maintaining healthy relationships.

5. Find Calming Activities to Regroup

When you’re feeling overwhelmed, engaging in activities that help you calm down can be helpful. This might include:

Deep breathing exercises

Listening to soothing music or sounds

Reading or journaling

Spending time in nature

Practicing mindfulness or meditation

✅ Example: “I’m going to listen to some calming music for a while to help me unwind.” ✅ Example: “I find that journaling helps me process my emotions when I’m feeling overwhelmed.”

💡 Tip: Find what works for you in terms of relaxation. It could be a short, simple activity that helps you regain your energy.

6. Reconnect When You Feel Ready

After taking the time you need to recharge, reconnecting with your friend when you feel ready can help you re-engage in the friendship. It’s okay if you need some time before reaching out—it’s better to wait until you’re feeling refreshed and able to engage fully.

✅ Example: “Thanks for understanding earlier. I’m feeling better now. Let’s catch up!” ✅ Example: “I’m back from my break, and I’m ready to chat now!”

💡 Tip: Let your friend know when you’re ready to reconnect. This helps them understand that your need for space wasn’t permanent and that you’re still invested in the friendship.

7. Set Boundaries to Prevent Future Overwhelm

If you find that certain situations or social interactions consistently overwhelm you, it’s important to set boundaries to prevent burnout. This could mean limiting the amount of time you spend in social situations, setting clear expectations for how much interaction you can handle, or taking breaks more frequently.

✅ Example: “I can hang out for an hour, but after that, I’ll need some quiet time to recharge.” ✅ Example: “I need to keep our conversations short today because I’m feeling drained.”

💡 Tip: It’s perfectly okay to set boundaries to protect your well-being. Your friends will likely respect them if you communicate them clearly and kindly.

8. Recognize That It’s Okay to Have Different Needs

Everyone has different social needs, and as an autistic person, your needs may differ from others. It’s important to understand that it’s okay to need more breaks, quieter environments, or shorter social interactions than your friends.

✅ Example: “I need more breaks than most people do, and that’s just part of how I manage my energy.” ✅ Example: “I may not be able to handle long social hangouts, but I can still enjoy short chats with my friends.”

💡 Tip: Your needs are valid, and recognizing them allows you to better navigate friendships while staying true to yourself.

Final Thoughts

Feeling overwhelmed in friendships is completely normal, and it’s okay to take a step back when you need it. By recognizing the signs of overwhelm, communicating openly with your friends, and practicing self-compassion, you can maintain healthy friendships while honoring your own needs. Remember, self-care is not selfish—it’s essential for nurturing your well-being and your relationships.

[auniverseoffriends]

Recognizing When You Need Space Without Feeling Like You’re Rejecting Your Friend

It’s completely natural to need some space from time to time, especially for autistic individuals who may experience sensory overload or social exhaustion more intensely than others. However, it’s easy to feel guilty or anxious about taking space, worrying that it might hurt or reject your friend. It’s important to understand that taking space doesn’t mean rejecting your friend—it’s simply about respecting your own needs and maintaining a healthy balance in your friendship.

Here’s a guide to recognizing when you need space and how to approach it without feeling like you’re rejecting your friend:

1. Recognize When You’re Feeling Overwhelmed

The first step is recognizing the signs that you need space. This could be physical exhaustion, sensory overload, or emotional fatigue from constant socializing. For autistic individuals, these feelings can sometimes build up slowly, making it hard to notice until you’re already feeling overwhelmed.

✅ Example: “I’ve been talking and interacting a lot today, and now I’m feeling drained and need a quiet moment.” ✅ Example: “I’ve had a lot of sensory input today, and I’m starting to feel overwhelmed. I need a break from socializing.”

💡 Tip: Trust your feelings and pay attention to signs of burnout or overstimulation.

2. Understand That Needing Space Isn’t About Rejecting Your Friend

It’s important to remind yourself that needing space doesn’t mean you’re rejecting your friend or that you don’t care about them. Everyone needs time to themselves, and taking a break helps you come back to the friendship feeling refreshed and more able to engage positively.

✅ Example: “I love spending time with my friend, but I need some quiet time now to recharge. It’s not because I don’t enjoy their company.” ✅ Example: “Taking a break is about caring for myself so I can be a better friend later on.”

💡 Tip: Your need for space is a sign of self-care, not a reflection of your friendship.

3. Set Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty

You have the right to set boundaries, and it’s okay to express your needs to your friend. Doing so in a kind and honest way helps prevent misunderstandings. You don’t need to explain everything in detail—just a simple acknowledgment that you need some time alone can be enough.

✅ Example: “Hey, I need to take a break for a bit. Let’s catch up later!” ✅ Example: “I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed and need some quiet time. I’ll reach out when I’m ready to chat.”

💡 Tip: Be direct but gentle. Your friend will likely appreciate your honesty and may even understand that you need space to feel your best.

4. Offer Reassurance If Needed

If you’re worried that your friend might feel hurt or confused, offering reassurance can help. Let them know that you value your time together and that you’re not upset with them—just that you need some time for yourself.

✅ Example: “It’s nothing personal, I’m just feeling a bit overwhelmed and need some time to myself. I’ll be back to talk soon!” ✅ Example: “I enjoy spending time with you, but right now I need a break to recharge. I’m still your friend, I just need some quiet time.”

💡 Tip: Reassurance can help prevent misunderstandings, showing that it’s about your needs, not a reflection of the friendship.

5. Plan for Future Connection

If you feel comfortable, you can let your friend know when you’ll be ready to reconnect. This can help them understand that your need for space is temporary and that you still care about your relationship with them.

✅ Example: “I’ll take some time for myself, but let’s make plans to hang out again next week!” ✅ Example: “I just need a couple of hours to recharge, and then I’ll reach out to chat.”

💡 Tip: Providing a timeline or suggestion for future plans helps show that you’re not withdrawing permanently, just taking some needed time for yourself.

6. Recognize That Your Friend May Need Space Too

Friendships are a two-way street. Just as you need space, your friend may also need it from time to time. Be mindful of their boundaries and needs, and understand that both of you might need time apart to maintain a healthy and balanced relationship.

✅ Example: “I’ve noticed that sometimes my friend needs a break too. I should respect their space just like they respect mine.” ✅ Example: “We both enjoy spending time together, but I understand if we both need some downtime now and then.”

💡 Tip: Consider the ebb and flow of your friendship and recognize that both of you may need breaks, and that’s completely normal.

7. Avoid Internalizing Negative Thoughts

It’s easy to feel guilty or worry that your friend will think you’re rejecting them, but remember, taking space is a healthy part of any relationship. You deserve to prioritize your own well-being, and your friend will likely understand if you express your needs openly.

✅ Example: “It’s okay for me to need space. My friend will understand, and I’ll be able to be more present when I return.” ✅ Example: “Needing time to myself doesn’t mean I’m being a bad friend. It just means I’m taking care of my own needs.”

💡 Tip: Practice self-compassion and avoid beating yourself up for taking time for your mental or emotional well-being.

Final Thoughts

Taking space in a friendship is a healthy, necessary practice for maintaining balance. It’s important to recognize when you need a break, set boundaries kindly, and reassure your friend that it’s not about rejecting them. With mutual understanding and respect for each other’s needs, your friendship can thrive with the necessary time and space for both of you.

[auniverseoffriends]

The Importance of Self-Care and Taking Time for Yourself

Taking time for yourself and practicing self-care is essential for maintaining your emotional, mental, and physical well-being. Especially for autistic individuals, who may experience heightened sensory sensitivities, social exhaustion, or the stress of navigating complex social interactions, self-care can play a key role in preserving your energy and ensuring that you can engage with your friendships and other aspects of life in a healthy, balanced way.

Here’s a guide to understanding the importance of self-care and how to make time for yourself:

1. Recognize Your Need for Rest and Recharge

Sometimes, it can be hard to recognize when you need a break, especially when you’re focused on others or trying to meet social expectations. However, it’s crucial to understand when your body or mind is signaling that it’s time to rest. This might look like feeling overwhelmed by social interactions, getting irritable or anxious, or feeling physically exhausted. Listening to your body’s signals is the first step in self-care.

✅ Example: “I’ve been socializing a lot lately, and I’m starting to feel drained. I think I need some alone time to recharge.” ✅ Example: “I’ve been working hard and haven’t had much downtime. I should take a break to avoid burnout.”

💡 Self-Care Tip: If you’re feeling overwhelmed, it’s okay to pause and rest. Don’t push yourself too hard.

2. Prioritize Your Mental Health

Self-care isn’t just about physical rest, but also taking care of your mental health. For autistic individuals, this can mean managing stress, anxiety, and sensory overload. It’s important to create a routine or environment that helps you feel calm and grounded. This could involve finding quiet spaces, engaging in relaxing activities like reading, drawing, or listening to music, or practicing mindfulness techniques like deep breathing or meditation.

✅ Example: “I’m going to spend some time doing something I enjoy, like drawing or reading, to clear my mind.” ✅ Example: “I’ll take 10 minutes to do some deep breathing exercises to calm down.”

💡 Self-Care Tip: Taking small breaks for relaxation can help prevent stress from building up.

3. Set Boundaries to Protect Your Energy

Part of self-care is learning to say no when you need to. This could mean turning down social invitations when you’re feeling overwhelmed, or setting limits with friends or family members who might demand too much of your energy. Establishing and enforcing healthy boundaries allows you to prioritize your well-being and maintain balance in your life.

✅ Example: “I can’t join in tonight, but I’d love to make plans for another time.” ✅ Example: “I need some quiet time after a busy day, so I won’t be available to talk right now.”

💡 Self-Care Tip: Boundaries are a form of self-respect. It’s okay to say no and put yourself first when necessary.

4. Engage in Activities That Make You Feel Good

Self-care is about engaging in activities that bring you joy, fulfillment, and relaxation. This could mean spending time with friends who make you feel comfortable and appreciated or doing things on your own that bring you peace, like writing, journaling, exercising, or spending time outdoors. Prioritize activities that help you feel connected to yourself and your passions.

✅ Example: “I’m going to take a walk outside to clear my head and enjoy some fresh air.” ✅ Example: “I love crafting, so I’ll set aside some time today to work on a new project.”

💡 Self-Care Tip: Invest in hobbies that bring you joy and help you relax, even if it’s for a short time each day.

5. Don’t Feel Guilty for Taking Time for Yourself

It’s common for many people, especially those who prioritize the needs of others, to feel guilty about taking time for themselves. However, it’s essential to remind yourself that self-care is not selfish—it’s necessary for your own well-being. By taking care of yourself, you are better equipped to show up for others, including your friends, in a healthy and positive way.

✅ Example: “Taking some time for myself doesn’t mean I don’t care about others. I need to recharge to be the best friend I can be.” ✅ Example: “I’m doing what’s best for me right now, and that helps me be there for my friends when they need me.”

💡 Self-Care Tip: Self-care isn’t selfish. You can’t pour from an empty cup—taking care of yourself allows you to care for others in a healthier way.

6. Understand That Self-Care Looks Different for Everyone

Self-care isn’t a one-size-fits-all practice. What works for one person might not work for another, and that’s okay. It’s important to discover what self-care practices work best for you based on your needs, preferences, and lifestyle. This could be quiet time alone, physical activity, creative expression, or connecting with a support system.

✅ Example: “I find comfort in spending time alone to recharge, while my friend prefers to relax with others. We both need different things, and that’s okay.” ✅ Example: “For me, journaling helps process my thoughts and calm my mind, while others might find peace in meditation or listening to music.”

💡 Self-Care Tip: Experiment with different self-care practices and see what helps you feel restored and balanced.

7. Practice Self-Compassion

Finally, self-care involves being kind to yourself. It’s easy to be hard on yourself, especially when things don’t go as planned or if you feel like you’re not meeting expectations. Practicing self-compassion allows you to acknowledge your struggles without judgment and treat yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a friend.

✅ Example: “It’s okay if I need to take a break. I’m doing the best I can.” ✅ Example: “I may have had a tough day, but I’m going to give myself grace and focus on taking care of my needs.”

💡 Self-Care Tip: Speak to yourself with kindness and understanding, just as you would with a close friend who needs support.

Final Thoughts

Self-care is not just a luxury—it’s a necessity. By taking time for yourself, setting boundaries, and practicing kindness and compassion, you can recharge your energy and be more present in your friendships and other aspects of life. Remember, it’s okay to prioritize yourself and take the time you need to maintain your well-being.

[auniverseoffriends]

Navigating Small Talk When It Feels Awkward

Small talk can be a challenging part of social interactions, especially when it feels forced, awkward, or uncomfortable. As someone who might find social dynamics tricky to navigate, it’s natural to feel uneasy in situations where conversation is light and casual. The good news is that there are strategies you can use to make small talk feel less daunting and more manageable.

Here’s how you can navigate small talk when it feels awkward:

1. Recognize That Small Talk Isn’t About Deep Conversations

Small talk is meant to be light and casual, so don’t put pressure on yourself to make it meaningful or insightful. It’s often about building rapport and easing into more comfortable topics. The goal isn’t to have a deep or intense conversation but to maintain a friendly, comfortable atmosphere.

💡 Tip: Remind yourself that it’s okay for small talk to be simple. It’s just a way of connecting before diving into more meaningful conversations.

2. Use Open-Ended Questions

If you’re feeling stuck during small talk, try asking open-ended questions. These are questions that encourage more than just a “yes” or “no” answer, allowing the conversation to flow more naturally. Questions like “How did your weekend go?” or “What’s been keeping you busy lately?” can invite the other person to share more and keep the conversation going.

💡 Tip: If you’re unsure of what to ask, focus on things like the weather, hobbies, or current events. These topics are neutral and can lead to interesting discussions.

3. Focus on the Other Person

One way to take the pressure off yourself is by focusing on the other person. Show genuine interest in what they’re saying, ask follow-up questions, and listen actively. People generally appreciate when they feel heard, and it takes some of the attention off of you, making the conversation feel less awkward.

💡 Tip: Instead of thinking about how awkward you feel, shift your focus to the other person’s words. This can help you engage more naturally.

4. Keep Topics Simple

If small talk feels forced, stick to safe, light topics that are easy to discuss. Avoid delving into anything too personal, controversial, or heavy. Subjects like favorite TV shows, food preferences, or plans for the weekend are usually neutral and easy to chat about.

💡 Tip: Keep the conversation light and breezy. People usually enjoy talking about easy topics that don’t require much emotional investment.

5. Acknowledge the Awkwardness

Sometimes, the best way to handle an awkward moment is to acknowledge it directly. You don’t need to make a big deal out of it, but a simple, “I always feel a bit awkward during small talk” can help diffuse the tension and create a more relaxed atmosphere.

💡 Tip: If it feels right, acknowledging the awkwardness can make the situation feel more authentic and human. Chances are, the other person will appreciate the honesty.

6. Use Humor to Lighten the Mood

If you feel comfortable, adding a bit of humor can help lighten the mood and make the conversation feel less tense. A funny observation, a light-hearted joke, or even a self-deprecating comment about your own awkwardness can help break the ice and make small talk feel more fun.

💡 Tip: Keep the humor light and avoid anything that could make the other person uncomfortable. A simple joke about the weather or an everyday situation can help create a more relaxed vibe.

7. Know When It’s Time to Move On

Sometimes small talk can run its course, and that’s okay! If the conversation feels like it’s dying out or becoming more awkward, it’s fine to transition to a different topic or even wrap it up politely. You can say something like, “It was great catching up!” or “I need to get going, but let’s chat again soon.”

💡 Tip: If the conversation starts to feel too forced, give yourself permission to exit gracefully. It’s okay to not force every interaction to last.

8. Practice Self-Compassion

If small talk feels awkward for you, it’s important to practice self-compassion. Everyone experiences awkward moments in conversation, and it’s okay if things don’t go perfectly. Instead of criticizing yourself, recognize that navigating social situations can be challenging, and that’s perfectly normal.

💡 Tip: Remind yourself that it’s okay to be imperfect in conversations. You’re doing your best, and that’s what matters.

9. Take Breaks if Needed

If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed or mentally exhausted from small talk, it’s okay to take a short break. Step away for a few minutes to recharge, and then come back when you’re ready. This can help you reset and approach the conversation with a fresh perspective.

💡 Tip: Don’t be afraid to step back when you need to. A quick break can help you return to the conversation feeling more grounded.

10. Build Confidence Over Time

Navigating small talk may always feel a bit awkward at times, but the more you practice, the more confident you will become. Remember that it’s okay to make mistakes, and with time, you’ll develop more comfort with these interactions.

💡 Tip: Be patient with yourself. The more you practice small talk, the easier it will become.

What to Remember

Keep it simple by sticking to light, safe topics.

Ask open-ended questions to help the conversation flow.

Focus on the other person to shift attention away from any discomfort.

Acknowledge awkwardness when it happens, and it may help ease the tension.

Use humor to make small talk more enjoyable.

Know when to move on if the conversation stalls.

Be kind to yourself—it’s okay if things don’t go perfectly.

[auniverseoffriends]

Knowing When to Leave a Social Situation Gracefully

Leaving a social situation can feel tricky, especially when you're trying to balance being polite and taking care of your own needs. Whether you're feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, or simply ready to go, knowing when and how to leave gracefully is an important skill for maintaining your well-being and your relationships. Here are some tips on how to leave a social event or gathering in a way that feels respectful and comfortable:

1. Recognize the Signs That You Need to Leave

It's important to tune into your body and emotions to know when it's time to go. Some signs that you might be ready to leave include feeling drained, overwhelmed, frustrated, anxious, or experiencing sensory overload. It's also helpful to pay attention to how you're feeling mentally—if you find yourself unable to engage or feeling disconnected, it might be time to exit.

💡 Tip: Keep a mental checklist of how you're feeling throughout the event. If you notice signs of discomfort or exhaustion, give yourself permission to leave.

2. Set Expectations Ahead of Time

Before attending a social event, set an expectation for how long you plan to stay. This can reduce the pressure to stay longer than you're comfortable with and give you a clear exit plan. If you know you'll only be able to stay for a certain amount of time, you can communicate that to the host or group in advance.

💡 Tip: Let the host or your friends know ahead of time, “I might need to leave early because I tend to get tired in social situations,” so they’re prepared.

3. Have a Polite Exit Strategy

When you’re ready to leave, it’s helpful to have a polite, prepared way of saying goodbye. A simple phrase like, “Thank you for having me! I had a great time, but I’m going to head out now” can be used to exit without drawing too much attention to your departure.

💡 Tip: If you don’t feel like having a long conversation while leaving, keep it short and to the point. You don’t have to give a detailed explanation for your exit.

4. Offer Gratitude Before Leaving

Even if you're feeling overwhelmed, expressing gratitude for the time spent with others can help you leave on a positive note. Saying something like, "I really appreciate you inviting me; I had a good time," shows that you respect the host or your friends, even if you need to leave early.

💡 Tip: A quick, heartfelt thank-you can help others feel appreciated and lessen any potential awkwardness when you leave.

5. Plan for an Exit Strategy Ahead of Time

In case things do become overwhelming, it’s useful to have a plan for leaving discreetly. Knowing where the exit is or having a “pretext” in mind, like needing to catch up on rest or having another commitment, can help you leave without making a big scene.

💡 Tip: If you’re worried about how others will react, you can give a simple excuse like, “I have an early morning tomorrow,” or “I need to recharge,” to make your departure feel more natural.

6. Use Non-Verbal Cues

If you're uncomfortable with verbalizing your departure, there are non-verbal cues you can use. Start packing up your things or gathering your belongings, signaling that you're about to leave. You can also begin to slowly distance yourself from the group, easing your way toward the exit.

💡 Tip: If you're with someone you trust, let them know in advance that you may need to leave early, and they can help give subtle cues to others.

7. Be Honest (If Comfortable)

If you're comfortable, it’s okay to be honest about your needs and why you're leaving. You don’t have to go into detail, but saying something like, "I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed, so I need to go," can help others understand your decision without making it awkward.

💡 Tip: If you trust the group, honesty can help create understanding, and your friends will likely appreciate your openness.

8. Don’t Overexplain

If you decide to leave, avoid over-explaining your reasons or apologizing excessively. You don’t need to justify your exit or give a long explanation. It’s enough to simply say, “Thanks for having me, but I’m going to head out now.”

💡 Tip: Keep it short and respectful—no need to apologize for taking care of your well-being.

9. Leave on a Positive Note

If the event was enjoyable but you’re just ready to go, leave with a positive attitude. Even if you’re leaving earlier than expected, people will appreciate your kindness and your decision to leave gracefully.

💡 Tip: A simple “It was great seeing you all! Take care!” can leave everyone with a good impression.

10. Trust Your Instincts

Ultimately, trust your instincts. You know yourself best, and if it’s time to go, don’t feel guilty about it. Your well-being should always come first, and your friends or the host will likely understand and appreciate your decision to leave when it’s right for you.

💡 Tip: If you feel that you're at your limit, it’s perfectly okay to trust that inner feeling and go. You’ll feel more refreshed and energized for future events.

What to Remember

Recognize the signs that it's time to leave, like feeling overwhelmed or anxious.

Have a plan in place for how long you want to stay and prepare a polite exit strategy.

Express gratitude before leaving to show appreciation for the event or gathering.

Don’t overexplain your reasons for leaving; it’s okay to keep it simple.

Trust your instincts—your well-being matters more than anything else.

[shapingautismresearchuk]

Autistic wellbeing

Thanks to everyone who was involved in our recent seminar on Autistic Wellbeing, the fifth seminar in our ESRC Shaping Autism Research series. This particular seminar focused on working towards a shared definition of autistic wellbeing (which, as some attendees quickly pointed out, might have been overly ambitious!) and determining how best to measure autistic wellbeing in our research and embed this understanding in our practice.

Susy Ridout and Damian Milton have put together an excellent summary of the two days below.

Following on from the success of the previous seminar, seminar five was attended by around 50 individuals, and over the two days, there was a collection of presentations and workshops by autistic, neurodivergent and non-autistic speakers.

Day One: Towards a shared understanding of autistic wellbeing

The first day began with an orientation by Liz Pellicano to identify the goals of the seminar, namely:

1.   to identify collectively a shared definition of autistic wellbeing; and

2.   to determine how autistic wellbeing could best be measured in our research and to embed this understanding in our practice.

The two days would then lead into a set of outputs accompanied by examples of good practice.

As with previous seminars, the theme originated from key findings and recommendations emerging from A Future Made Together. These emphasised the importance of autistic involvement at all stages of the research process in order to address relevant priority areas.

The scene was then set by Damian Milton (member of the scientific and advisory committee for Research Autism, research at London Southbank University and Head of Autism Knowledge and Expertise (Adults and Community) at the NAS), with an overview of how notions of wellbeing are constructed in the accounts of autistic people. Damian referred us to his research with narratives from Asperger United, pointing to similarities and differences regarding wellbeing and life experiences. Damian highlighted issues such as social isolation and underemployment, yet also suggested how positive social relationships could aid feelings of social belonging and wellbeing.

Andy McDonnell (Clinical Psychologist and Director of Studio 3 in Warwickshire), Robert Chapman (PhD research student at University of Essex and also teaching Philosophy at Kings College London), Steven Kapp (Research Fellow in Sociology at the University of Exeter), and Sarah Cassidy (the Atypical Development research Team lead in the Centre for Research in Psychology Behaviour and Achievement at the University of Coventry) then each gave a talk leading into a panel discussion around “Quality of life and wellbeing – what do we know about autistic wellbeing?” Coming from a background looking at ‘challenging behaviour’, crisis behaviour and anger management, Andy’s work currently utilises the PERMA model of wellbeing (Seligman, 2011). This provides a focus on Positive emotions, Engagement (flow), Relationships/social connections, Meaning and purpose and Accomplishment. This shifts the focus from what is problematic to what is going well or what works and emphasises emotions, their interpretation and the contextualisation of these. In addition, Andy discussed how a perception of control or self-control leads to increased wellbeing and is a human rights issue. Robert Chapman provided a different perspective, introducing the idea of ethics and flourishing from the inside. Talking of norms and social structures he questioned the spectrum as acknowledgment of functioning or barriers and linked this to debate around intersectionality. Intersectionality relates to our different identities, particularly, though not exclusively, to those relating to matters such as gender, sexual orientation, disability, age and faith group. Steven Kapp then looked at neurodiversity and quality of life experienced by autistics in relation to a range of support, such as social support and subjective wellbeing; parental support in relation to language acquisition and autism acceptance; school support and educational and social (peer) inclusion; and finally systemic support in adulthood. Finally, Sarah Cassidy gave a thought-provoking presentation on the figures in relation to depression and suicide risk among autistics in the UK. She then highlighted a Swedish study into deaths caused by suicide and noted, in particular, the findings showing no gender difference. In addition, studies tend to be more quantitative. There is, however, a high incidence, as well as a gender difference in non-suicidal self-injury with an even greater prevalence among women. In addition, many autistics report the feeling of being a burden and there is a need for more research overall in this area as mental health and suicidality among autistics is poorly understood.

Session three was kicked off by Mark Neary (father of a young autistic adult son, advocate, counsellor and blogger) and Sara Ryan (senior researcher at Nuffield Department of Primary Care and Social Science at the University of Oxford and blogger around the death of her son, Connor Sparrowhawk, in a residential care unit). These inspirational speakers led a fascinating panel discussion speaking on their experiences of the care system and “Social support (or lack thereof) for families and autistic adults”. Mark’s never-ending struggles as a carer fighting the bureaucracy to obtain and sustain a personal budget, on one hand, found him losing out on the other. As a result, he is unwittingly forced to take on the role of administrator to process the tax returns of those that look after his son and provide him with the independent lifestyle that is his right. Consequently, he has discovered the diversity of Council policies regarding personal budgets, with threats if he fails to provide even one small receipt. The paradox is that the autistic individual receives a good service, but the parent does not. Sarah’s experience was entirely different as she talked us through her painful journey where the residential unit that was meant to care for and keep her son safe, failed to do so; leaving him to drown in a bath following a seizure. Sarah views this as her son being “treated as and killed as a disposable human being” and there is a lack of interaction between the carer and the autistic individual that society chooses not to notice. Her son’s death highlights a glaring need for training among staff and the requirement to use more respectful language in commissioning reports. Furthermore, many parents like Sarah experience being demonised due to cultural differences or the fact that they challenge poor services. As a result, Sarah recommends continued challenges to demystify language and processes.

This discussion led to a workshop activity facilitated by Susy Ridout (mentor and academic support worker with autistic students in HE) and Alice Blakeley (children’s nurse currently working on a cardiac unit). The session explored “Barriers and processes impacting wellbeing”, and as a method previously introduced at Seminar 4 by Susy, was interesting in that it brought some of the same and some different people together again to explore ideas using a method that may or may not have been accessible for them. As such it was an excellent demonstration as to why communication preferences require attention when addressing wellbeing. Each group fed back about their work, explaining how the themes were linked as this was very much a work in progress. The artwork and themes raised can be seen here.

Finally, Day One ended with a keynote talk by Roy Richard Grinker. The presentation began by highlighting that in the DSM-5 distress or illness takes the form of some abnormality as reflected by the deficit model. However, autism is rarely talked about in the context of wider categories such as the DSM, and Grinker considers that understanding processes through which autism has emerged and changed over time can be argued to be fetishising. Initially, autism was presented in relation to psychiatry, and then increasingly as regards first-person accounts. He noted, however, that there were no cluster groupings in the past, such as in Ancient Greece. In addition, PTSD only occurs in relation to accounts of war, notably Vietnam and the Persian Gulf War of 1990. Autism has trodden a similar path to that of homosexuality in relation to its presence in the DSM, and Grinker talked about the latter’s recognition as a social construct. Those who identified as autistic/homosexual prior to official recognition were presumably not initially deemed to be a problem before Westernised social constructions were imposed. Grinker then led listeners down a trail where we were introduced to his research with Mandell on the puzzle piece and the notion that a narrative is only useful if it is presented with someone’s experience. As an anthropologist, Grinker questions the use of the DSM.

Day Two: Embedding autistic wellbeing into our research and practice

Damian Milton began the day with a brief summary of Day One and aims for Day Two.

In session 5, Martijn Dekker (autistic father, serving on the board of Autscape and initiator of an international support network for autistics) gave a presentation on Neurodiversity. Martijn pointed to the need for researchers and society more widely to consider the role of politics and belief regarding the facts. Using examples of his own experiences of catatonia and inertia, which result in him being able often only to work productively at the last minute, Martijn then drew us through his travels initiating and leading an autistic online community network (InLv) that was created in the 1990s; this latter provided mutual emotional and practical support to autistics. Martijn highlighted how models are used to simplify reality, for example, the social model of disability to explain catatonia. Finally, there is a need to work towards acceptance and accommodation, which vary according to our individual requirements.

A panel discussion on “How we should measure autistic wellbeing” was then led by presentations from: Helen McConachie (researcher on interventions and currently focusing on therapy approaches helping parents with young autistic children with social communication and also those experiencing high anxiety); Hilde Geurts (researcher on cognition and ADHD and autism across the lifespan, and with a special interest in autism and aging works at the Department of Psychology at the University of Amsterdam and the Dr Leo Kannerhuis clinic); and Alastair Clarkson (Researcher in Residence at Scottish Autism and a PhD candidate in education at the University of Aberdeen). Helen raised the issue as to why we should measure ‘Quality of Life’, and linked this to the development of public policy and public services. As a definition, the WHOQoL (1998) covers the areas of physical, psychological, social and environmental wellbeing. In her study around wellbeing using the Warwick Edinburgh Wellbeing Scale, Helen’s findings showed that 5% lacked the capacity to respond, and so required someone else to do so. In addition, 14% had assistance to respond. The domains covered related to and inclusion autonomy, discrimination. Hilde’s work related to subjective wellbeing; how we study it; and its relation to aging. This type of wellbeing can be both a positive and a negative aspect of life according to our interaction with the internal and external environment. In the 19-83 age range, autistics have a lower QoL than non-autistics due to a number of factors including lack of employment and social isolation. Interestingly, there was no direct link found in her work between QoL and the treatments and interventions that a person had received. Finally, in this panel, Alastair discussed the Support Experience Survey and the need to develop a meaningful survey process for autistics. In his survey, he was looking for feedback for service provision and had seven practice principles. In addition, the survey was both standardised and individualised according to communication preferences, leading to two versions of the survey where some chose to respond using pictures or visual boards to facilitate survey dialogues.

Ben Connors then gave a stimulating talk about his unexpected work as a personal assistant to an autistic young man (Gabriel). Through the building up of a relationship with him, Ben developed comics as a tool for communication and enjoyment. Ben then led a group activity in which attendees were asked to draw comic strips to illustrate what autistic wellbeing means to them and some of the barriers that autistic people face with regard to their wellbeing. Attendees were given guidance in the form of a storyboard pig, A Piggie Plot Planner. The pig had a beginning section, a middle section and an end, just as any narrative. The storyboards were then discussed and shared with the whole group. You can see the wonderful outputs here.

“How can we prioritise autistic wellbeing in our research, service delivery and policy discussions?” was the title for the final panel discussion with presentations by: Monique Craine (advocate, blogger and campaigner on Neurodivergent issues and the inspiration behind the Labour Party Autism/Neurodiversity manifesto); Ginny Russell (Senior Research Fellow at the University of Exeter Medical School); Ian Dale (NAS Head of Monitoring, Research and Evaluation); and Bob Lowndes (Director of the Autism Education Trust). Monique’s avid blogging has resulted in her working with John McDonnell MP and neurodivergent individuals to provide a working definition of autism without using medical terms, and her presentation highlighted this impact through the development of a ‘Neurodiversity Manifesto’. Ginny talked about diagnosis in the context of autism and neurodiversity. As someone working with Patient and Public Involvement (PPI) and grant opportunities, she raised the critical question as to whether ‘patients’ should assess researchers’ funding applications and examined this issue specifically within the context of the European project, EU Aims. Following this, Ian Dale challenged the nature of the Personal Independent Payment (PIP) forms, stating that we need to think beyond the individual. He argues that that the person-centered approach is a formula ‘made-up on the spot’ and that researchers need to be focusing on the potential of wellbeing as a diagnostic tool. Ian argues for change within the delivery of services and policy discussions. Bob Lowndes rounded up this session up stating that researchers need to embed autistic wellbeing into our research and practice, especially that impacting on education and social care. Raising the issue of QoL, Bob spoke of eight domains, namely emotional, interpersonal, material, personal, physical, self-determination, social inclusion and rights and where the routes to these outcomes are distinct. Ultimately, Bob suggested we should be talking about ‘support’ as opposed to ‘help’.

The final activity of the day was a whole group discussion focusing on “What have we learnt and how can we apply it to our own research and practice?” in which people emphasised strongly the importance of autistic involvement in the design and delivery of research and practice – and indeed the leading of seminars just like this one.

Overall, the talks and discussions were incredibly thought-provoking. Although we did not identify a shared definition of autistic wellbeing (which might have been too ambitious an aim!), we did … explore a wide array of topics arising under this theme, which was facilitated by the combination of visual workshops, presentations, and discussions presented by autistic, neurodivergent and non-autistic individuals. As the final part of this ESRC seminar series, the successes pointed towards a more positive future for working together to reshape autism research.

Susy Ridout and Damian Milton

[shapingautismresearchuk]

Autistic wellbeing slides - London seminars

You can download slides from most speakers at the London seminar here:

1. Liz Pellicano: Welcome

2. Damian Milton: How notions of wellbeing are constructed in the accounts of autistic people

3. Steven Kapp: Quality of life and autistics: the critical roles of social support and subjective well-being

4. Martijn Dekker: Neurodiversity in the post-factual society

5. Helen McConachie: Measurement of quality of life

6. Hilde Geurts: Which factors determine autistic wellbeing across the adult lifespan?

7. Ben Connors: Comic strip workshop introduction

8. Monique Craine: Blogger, campaigner and activist for the neurodivergent (ND) community

9. Ginny Russell:  How can we prioritise autistic wellbeing in biomedical research? 

10. Bob Lowndes: Embedding autistic well-being into our research and practice

[shapingautismresearchuk]

Autistic wellbeing can be very fragile, being reliant on so many factors out of people on the spectrum’s control.

[shapingautismresearchuk]

Autistic wellbeing seminar - Fifth Seminar, London

We are delighted to announce the programme for our fifth Shaping Autism Research seminar, which is focused specifically on autistic wellbeing. You can also download the easy read programme here.

Traditional medical models of wellbeing have not always served autistic people’s interests. Recent research and new community initiatives are beginning to highlight the important role that social interactions and social structures play in the wellbeing of autistic people. These range from providing autistic-led spaces to new research on the importance of relationships in shaping the quality of life for autistic people.

The objectives of this seminar are to examine the nature of autistic children, young people and adults’ social relationships, the way advantage and disadvantage is bestowed by society’s understandings of autism, and the ways in which autism research and practice can be restructured to ensure a more social, collective sense of wellbeing for autistic people and their families. We will consider whether traditional constructs, such as quality of life, health-related quality of life, participation, and happiness, can and should be applied straightforwardly to autistic wellbeing.

The goals of this fifth seminar are therefore to:

1.   Identify collectively a shared definition of autistic wellbeing (Day One)

2.   Determine how best to measure autistic wellbeing in our research and to embed this understanding in our practice (Day Two).

Please note that seminar places are extremely limited. The seminar will not be recorded but you can follow the discussions on Twitter @Autresearchuk, #shapeARUK

We look forward to seeing you there!

[shapingautismresearchuk]

Barriers and processes impacting on wellbeing

On Day One of the seminar, Susy Ridout and Alice Blakeley facilitated a workshop, which sought to help attendees think creatively about what ‘autistic wellbeing’ means to them and some of the barriers to it in relation to processes, power and context. These are some of the things people came up with … clearly a very thought-provoking exercise!

[shapingautismresearchuk]

What ONE thing have you learned about autistic wellbeing?

During the second day of the seminar, we asked attendees to consider the ONE  thing that they had learned about autistic wellbeing and to write it on a postcard. This activity elicited some fantastic responses! All copied below.

Wellbeing is different for everyone and can be hard to measure and hard to maintain. Meaningful support is key and often it is one-on-one relationship that make wellbeing obtainable

Make inclusion real for all

Autistic wellbeing is a combination of concepts (neurodiversity) and different models (medical and social models)

Thinking that we need to move more towards “disability fluidity” in the same way as sexual/gender fluidity, which is more common, i.e., ‘normalising’ the not-normal

‘Wellbeing’ seems to me to be not worth measuring alone? All the words suggested for items (e.g., ‘happy’, ‘confident’) have interpretations which will vary between individuals depending on their experiences and preferences. It has to be considered in context, including the power relationships which determine opportunities, barriers etc.

Wellbeing is colourful (i.e., multifactorial) and to study/understand it we need different approached combined

I’m very intrigued by the idea of using stories as a way of measuring or describing wellbeing. The power of images and fragments

There is a vital shift in moving from a deficit model of support to a focus on wellbeing - but we cannot expect anyone to be happy all the time

Wellbeing for many starts with methodologies for engagement of individual voice. To ascertain, establish and reinforce the expectation to be consulted and engaged - i.e., ‘being taken seriously’

I liked the multidimensional approaches to collecting data/information. It’s a great chance to learn about different approaches.

We need to keep coming together to review the work that is already underway, i.e., phased according to the life of the Newcastle/Netherlands work and any additional ‘wellbeing’ projects —> pooling ideas and experiences, ongoing developments in thinking etc. THEN feed these ideas into the positivist research community who do intervention and treatment trials

Tensions/push+pull of: biological vs. social, universals vs. specifics, empiricism and postmodernism —> critical realism? ‘Objective’ and ‘subjective’ require mixed methods and expertise

Wellbeing means different things to different people

Threats to wellbeing, different in intensity of impact, knowing how to regroup is essential

I have learnt that the meaning and feeling of welling will differ from person to person, autistic or not

Abandon the pervasive notion that people need to be ‘productive’ in order to be well. This notion is imposed and internalised, but not necessarily try. Emphasise inherent worth

On the surface, autistic wellbeing seems to be an extreme version of non-autistic wellbeing

Wellbeing is elusive, hard to measure, important, not same as happiness, a chance to contribute. Barriers: sense of own burdensomeness, worsened by welfare requirements, you have to be hopeless to ‘win’

I’ve learnt that ‘wellbeing’ as an autistic person (innate) is a human right but not a human fight

Beware neurotypical assumptions! Wellbeing is more than ‘happy’: inclusion, valuing people, respect, listening, acceptance

Autistic wellbeing is important because all people’s wellbeing is important and autistic people are people

That ‘happiness’ is not what I thought it was

I learned of some resistance to the concept to ‘autistic wellbeing’ but apparent consensus on focusing on the individuals

Is autistic wellbeing any different to neurotypical wellbeing?

‘Autistic’ wellbeing … encompasses so many things - specific to the individual, some shared experiences, needs to be informed by individuals

If autistic wellbeing would be enhanced by better understanding, what do we want people to understand? What does being autistic mean?

Wellbeing is a subjective perception of experience. Value on wellbeing cannot be decided by objective ‘outside’ factors

Autistic wellbeing can be very fragile, being reliant on so many factors out of people on the spectrum’s control. Got to measure what it’s not as well as what it is

Rosebud

[dmnsqrl]

#Repost @aut.in.sight_aut.in.mind (@get_repost) ・・・ We can support Autistic children to develop an authentic self AND learn necessary skills. It’s not an either/or situation. But when we are well-meaning but (mis)guided by neuro-normative expectations, we risk teaching our Autistic children to construct a version of themselves to please others, a false self to avoid others from feeling discomfort, to inhibit their feelings, preferences, impulses, and needs in order to appear “normal”. This is not healthy for anyone; Autistic or non-Autistic. “Authenticity is central to wellbeing and a strong predictor of mental health. Yet, we teach Autistic children how to blend in and meet neuro-normative expectations, how to appear “normal”, often at the expense of developing their authentic self. Then we wonder why so many Autistic adults have co-occurring mental health conditions.” #actuallyautistic #therapautist #autist #autie #aspie #autismspectrum #neurodivergence #autisticwellbeing #AUThenticity #authenticallyautistic #mentalhealth #neuronormativity #autinsightautinmind https://www.instagram.com/p/BpzeRZillq0nN-BRIalblDBzYBEtaPozV74mOI0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=hdu7wciy20qs

[shapingautismresearchuk]

Really love the autism friendliness thought which has gone into the planning of this seminar. Other events could learn from this!