#autistic ramblings

[abandoned-by-caine]

Abandonware and Nostalgia

I was recently watching a YouTube video where this guy was exploring a Garry’s Mod map when he mentioned an old CD-ROM game he played as a kid (the specific story is from 14:00-15:16). It’s called Crayola 3D Castle Creator. Something that really caught my attention was when he mentioned a jester character and old 3D graphics. I did a quick Google search and managed to find it quite easily.

Now, tell me… does the jester on the cover look somewhat familiar to y'all or is it just me?

Granted, the actual character in the game doesn’t look anything like they do on the cover…

Eugh. Like, seriously, what is that thing? …but anyway, there’s still an uncanny resemblance in the cover art that I can’t unsee. I wonder if there's any subtle inspiration for Pomni’s design stemming from this game? Probably not but it’s a neat little similarity either way :)

Also, even though you can’t really play the game anymore unless you have a computer that runs Windows 98, I was able to find a version of the game that you can download (though it may not be entirely playable as I haven't tested it myself) on MyAbandonware! It’s essentially a super cool website that has a massive collection of abandoned/dead games you can still download, although some need an emulator or specific PC specs, as with any game.

It kinda dragged me down a rabbit hole of learning what actually counts as abandonware. This particular website is just one of many internet archives for software archaeologists to preserve games that might otherwise be lost to time, some of which are the only pieces of media to use their specific game engines. It’s really neat stuff, and super useful for historical preservation purposes!

Anyway, I’ll post more about all that stuff later, but just know that all this research has certainly given me some... ideas for the fic… ;)c

[fossilized-honey]

Watching it chapter 2 with my friends who are normal and it taking so much strength to not quote along I need to scream into the tumblr void

[floralcavern]

For years I’ve had a WoF animatic/MAP idea for Anemone with Unleash the Magic that takes place during Arc 2. It would be Whirlpool singing to her (a hallucination/ghost version) and the background singers would be electric eels surrounding her and swimming through the air and it would be Whirlpool singing to her to use her magic for evil and when Twilight starts singing, it’s when Anemone is looking at the knife on the beach and she’s smiling manically, and at the end, when it say “the magic’s what I really want to see” it would be Anemone talking to Darkstalker and “Twilight, no!” would be Turtle throwing her the enchanted stick to escape.

[neo-colorrose-is-here]

Part of having my relatively obscure in the wider fandom space special interest means going to conventions and praying they have at least one thing at least somewhat related to it. I got so lucky the other day when my friend impromptu invited me to a local convention she got me into for free. The artist alley/dealers den had four!!!! Whole!!!!! pieces!!!! of ranma merch. (Which is so so soooo much more than my usual finds, which are usually 0)

I got two prints, a pin and the most important find, a pristine copy of a 1991 issue of the ranma comic book (specifically part 2 #11, which is the two chapters which I assume will comprise the finale of season 1 of the remake). It was not expensive, and looking on other sites it goes for way less than I bought it for. But that does not matter. It’s mine now. And I’m never giving it up. It’s making me wanna collect more of them like… who am I?

Also the guy selling it for some reason thought it important to ask me what was weird about the cover. His answer was that ranma’s female hair was colored black on the cover. But I think I went autismo beam on him becauee I infodumped about how before the anime came out ranma’s hair was black regardless of gender but the anime made the red hair iconic because it was used to differentiate them. Then in later colorings Rumiko leaned into it. But rumikos coloring has never really been consistent or congruent with the anime. I mean Shampoo’s hair was colored pink on many occasions. Of course the anime, having a low budget and being on physical cel sheets, had to adhere to a consistent color scheme and the red and black look for him was adopted and continues to be iconic. In the original manga his clothes were initially blue or green!

[connoisseur-of-love]

ranting about the 2021 smurfs cartoon

I miss brainy and clumsy’s friendship as it was in the 80s cartoon (and maybe some comics? I don’t vividly remember much from them since we didn’t have any brainy-centric issues) like it was just so cute and interesting and it’s such a same that they took it out of it :(

also, while I’m currently midway between season 2, I would love to see the new girl smurfs village, especially since they canonically moved to a different spot

Some voices aren’t it. No offence to the actors, but I really miss some of the Smurfs having accents in the 80s cartoon that isn’t in the new one (especially painter-real disappointment)

And finally, one postive

I am absolutely in love with brainys and blossom relationship. They are SO CUTE! Love em

[rural-arms]

Hey, so do you mind if I ask what gun(s) you think *do* fit Jason's personality?

Excellent question!

Edited: Added Pictures

Jason Todd is always seen with a 1911 style handgun, sometimes Glock like, or straight up Generic Handgun number 4.

And for as much as I shit on them, they make sense. 1911s are rugged, good durability (MAH TWO WURLD WARS) and in a decent caliber of .45 ACP. Glocks are also quite rugged, but are much more common and and come in a variety of calibers such as 9x17, 9x19, .45 ACP and .40 S&W.

I will say, both of those are great for Jason, but a personality gun is a bit harder. So, instead of his personality (which is sometimes all over the place) I have decided for ease of myself, to pick some that I believe he would use.

Starting with: Jericho 941 a.k.a The Cowboy Bebop gun

The Jericho 941 is quite similar to his handguns in the Arkham Knight game (mostly the Red Hood DLC) as they have a futuristic look. They are decent in power, great in comfort and usability, and commonly comes in 9x19mm which is a common round in the US.

Next: H&K USP. Or if you like video games, what Gordon Freeman and Lara Croft use

With the USP being H&K, and thus German, you know the durability is high tier (although still prone to failures, cause it's H&K). Accurate, reliable, sorta futuristic (for the time) and comes in common calibers much like a Glock.

For future points: The Maxim 9.

Integrally suppressed 9mm handgun that looks like it came straight out of RoboCop. Not that much to say, other than its very futuristic looking. (I'd also recommend looking at the KARD prototype handgun too as it is quite similar)

A Personal Fav: FN FiveseveN

A handgun designed for the 5.7x28mm round. Futuristic (for the time). The key point of the gun was the caliber, but the caliber is expensive (but being Bruce's adopted son, should have no issues)

And Lastly: The Laugo Alien

VERY futuristic looking, comes in the common 9x19. Comfortable, reliable. But a bit pricey, but again I'm sure he can afford it

There are many other that would fit Jason, but these are a few that I think are good contenders.

[darkobssessions]

Social Skills news flash/alert/realisation

Not building rapport or being able to go deeper with someone you just met, or even more crucial, someone you just met and moved in with, has dire consequences on the isolation scale, but also lifelong discrimination and difficulties. It's simply nightmarish to navigate.

And if there are multiple persons in that arrangement, the issue further compounds. There are so many unspoken rules and hidden things that hold certain spaces together, especially spaces that are unsafe to mask in, such as, the public eye, in public, openly to people you just met or have just begun living with, to abusive parents, to a previously undisclosed monster you are dating, to government officials.

What spell are you under?

I do not want to be willingly vulnerable but masking is exhausting, masking is taxing I want to be free to speak my mind, to truly speak my mind Most people do not understand my words when I unleash on the real unmasked talk of what I feel and sense, real dreams, real visions, so much high talk that people tune out and can't listen, I've been asked to change the subject so so many times, been told that was a cool party trick can we get back to the party?

Others have stood awestruck asked me to slow down, save it for later, possibly keep it a bit more quiet because I'm getting excitable and definitely not loud enough for the neighbours to hear please.

I keep it quiet and I keep it small.

But the world's a stage And I'm at the age where I was 28 for 2 years, our mind just decided I was 28 for 2 years and I realised I'm turning 30 this year I'm at the cusp of luminance But that neccessitates that I have to die the darkest deaths and bleed so loud and strong and for long. this life is too sweet, too fleeting, too deep, too meaningful, to meaningless, cruel and hard and dark and bitter and unfair, sweet and breezy and a whole fucking ride

you've loved, you've lost you've begged, you've prayed you've bled, you've played, you've trusted and got busted

sometimes replaying an entire loop your life is cycles and you can feel it and observe as it does that, and no matter how hard you try, you can't get out of that cycle they don't give you conventional 'medicine' and by medicine i mean wisdom

they have got medicine for you, but I'm afraid the only way that it is a cure is by means of eradicating your sensation of it being an endless cycle or simulation or worse and deeper and darker, and bolder and bigger and brighter- all the same you;ve got an endless antenna unto that world, so you don't take the pills.

It's just something that numbs. And dealing with all that numbness dumbs down, and I use dumb in the same way dampen, for instance something cushioning a heavy flow, or suppressing the sound from an instrument. I've been called dumb and insinuated stupid for quite some time now. Whereas before there was just dumb awe at what I had to say, or discomfort, now, I receive all kinds of responses ranging from sheer pity to shocking loss of human decency and manners.

When you get yelled at by a 40 year old woman on her property in the jungle and she's German American and you're Palestinian-Syrian/American and she's trying to make you feel like a 5 year old, in fron of other volunteers, then you don't really feel 5 years old, you feel very affronted that is what passes for social engagement as an adult with the world as an autistic woman, worse off than the men for many objective reasons like being foreign, naive in more specific and dangerous ways, unlikley to express distress or alert anybody to being afraid or unwilling to engage with something, more likely to hide the results of such ecounters gone wrong, more likely to suffer in silence and act out in more nad more extreme ways, but always directed at herself. This individual didn't get the support that she needed to navigate the world in a way that worked. She was sheltered, she was abused and she had very little emotional support and guidance. She absorbed everything from her environment from the moment of her conception, taking in the milky waves of discord and distress and abuse, weaving a picture of a vessel to take her body side. She succeeded to survive the next 29 years and 5 months and 13 days.

i will blame myself too for driving frantically to my intro to pole class with an amazing instructor I met last time who made me feel seen and supported and was able to guide me through different exercises. and also allowed me the space to experiment, not overcautioning me often about things to know or do as a beginner. Dreading leaving the house well in advance of the day of, and finally having a breakdown the day it arrived. Too tired, too foggy, too spaced out, too apathetic and numb and don't care, and please no more of that, no more of anything please, just nothing, nothing more, kindly no, no sir, not today, not anymore, not this, not now, JUST ABOUT ENOUGH I SAID.

And proceeded to slap on a sizeable amount of more of that stuff for myself by masking and pretending and generally prancing around unable to be seen by individuals that very much give me the vibe of we will be onto you if you tell us all your secrets but a. they very infrequently express any interest in what it is I am saying, making me feel like just trailing off into nothingess, they do not ask any follow up questions about statments I make in regards to be autistic or listing out of any difficulties, I hear 'you're fine' a lot and it is starting to make my head hurt a little. Like actually, no I'm not. Can we stop pretending, and also it's because I can't be my damn self in this room without making an energetic cringe the size of a continent My whole solo universe is full of these instances and I am at a loss what my interactions are doing to the people around me that puts up such a wall or parades ignorance about opics which, well, that might be the point actually. Not knowing about these things and thus projecting their own ideas or misconceptions? Anyway the whole thing is just a mess because it's not leading to infantilisation (which would be worse) but still nobody is being blunt and direct about their feelings and what they mean and what they're saying. I want this thing to change because, ever tired of the insect in a glass phenomena, want to step through the looking glass, part the veil and come out onto the stage to say my piece because I swear, that vision has been with me since time immemorial. The one I have and the other one closely related depict a very ecstatic dance of life upon a stage facing all forebearers and factions and creator and created observing the life of the one, wi7da, who unfurled herself for all of time so that she may experience what each synapse feels as it connects with another, a divsion so expansive she could find herself widely across it in many different ways and with many different people. Many different people at once, and I mean in the feeling of oneness with all of the cosmos to tell all these stories takes time, but she dances in ecstasy as if all that exists for her is one endless moment.

Time to step out soon, and maybe now to aid in that I'll actually deliver the nugget of information I promised at the beginning of this whole thing. The social skill that I could certainly use more of and am so glad I have just learned about is called the hello good morning good night trick. Without the overforced hellos and how are yous the barista certainly feels that you are not normal and feels taken advantage of (*courtesy of my sister who I am pretty didn't read that right either. I mean she says she felt embarrased being out with me so that's another development in the younger sibling department who's been living her own life for the last 6 years and also my best friend and biggest supporter. not living together and me realising about my autism about 2 years ago, and subsequently unmasking, is making me incomprehensible to her I'm afraid, and this is deep sarcasm. She actually told me that she saw the exact moment the barista shut down and she shot her a knowing glance to as if to say, yeah, I'm over here with stupid, I know how you feel and I apologse for the inconvenience. That shit stung, there's not sugarcoating that!). So with even more specificity, within the US there is a strong friendliness, greetings and customary how are yous culture. If you don't say those generally in the public, you are viewed as much more ostile. Haven't got the statistic for you right now, but I am sure it exists.

In what could be closer relationships, like people you just move in with, if they are also from the place you have just moved to, and even if they are not, it just depends on how tight knit their group, what pressures they are under or are exerting and whether or not they are interested. I've found here, things are prevented from going deeper by something as simple as you not being able to gather that every night at a certain time, obviously, it is bedtime. And they disappear on and up to their rooms. The day ends, days begin, people come in from places, they have routines too. If you don't ask about them or greet them good morning, or wish them a good night, they simply either think you are unfriendly or never get the opirtunity to go deeper with you. The question of whether they even want to go deeper is yet to be decided, it is a no as it stands now. I don't know that anything ever makes me close to my true self except standing before a room and teaching and being in the intimate space of the divine things are getting quite tedious I am awaiting my chariot outside the front door It's said in jest but seriously, please, where is the uplevel button that allows me to drive and navigate and succeed and arrive and engage and manage and function well in such a place? I think I don't want to fnction INSIDE of it.

I say I want to create a new one.

[rottenfox]

This is false.

Never has the song even hinted that he's fucking. The whole song is about how he is a traveler and all the people he knows and the things he sees.

That line is literally saying that always introduces himself. Cause why the fuck would you tell any random pretty person you like who you're fucking???

Is there rly any softer scene than when o'malley sees duchess and falls in love with her at first sight in the aristocats, complimenting her at every turn and climbing into a cherry blossom tree to make the flower petals snow gracefully down on her? How dreamy 🥀💕

[some-pers0n]

I hate how people will look at popular indie artists who had one or two songs go viral on TikTok and start making fun of anybody who listens to them. "Oh you listen to Lemon Demon, Will Wood, Jack Stauber, Glass Animals, and Mother Mother? Tsk, don't you know that is stupid TikTok neurodivergent white transmasc preteen music? It's so mid and bad you should listen to real music–" you are a pit of misery

[introvert-slushie]

Currently thinking about how much Ford tries to hide his hands a lot when he can…behind his back with this stance. Due to how often he’s been bullied for it.

And also, how Mabel is one of the ones who Ford feels happy about showing his hands to because she thought they were cool looking upon first shaking his hand, instead of him being judged for his six fingers.

[ID: Gravity Falls screenshots. The first three are of Ford with his hands crossed behind his back. The last two are of him shaking hands with Mabel, and letting her paint a turkey on his hand. He's smiling in both. End ID.]

[wasabi-gumdrop]

local ladies man’s signature move totally useless against autistic monster enthusiast. more on Kabru’s fumble era at 6

[bumblebeesystem]

I wish more people would eat like this. Like please don't sit across from me and stare into my eyeballs while I eat. It's uncomfortable. Sit next to me and look straight ahead like driving and it's so much less awkward.

car conversations so good bc of removal of eye contact expectation. let us all learn from this

[the-messy-artist]

Has this been done yet

[modeus-the-misanthrope]

*Crushes your skull while breasting boobily*

[friendlycursedspaceotter]

Pro tip for my disabled and chronically ill friends in college: if you have to put a work order in and it is related any bit at all to your disability, write, very clearly in the "describe what needs to get done" section, "This issue is a health hazard," followed by a description of how the issue relates to your disability/chronic illness.

They are required to put it as a high-priority issue and fix it ASAP. Required BY LAW. Yes, I said it. They are legally required to fix these things, both under OSHA regulations and the ADA.

Play the disability card. I'm begging you. DISABLED IS NOT A BAD WORD. But don't abuse it. This is a fine line here.

Example: I'm heat and noise sensitive. My HVAC unit started breaking down and rattling loudly. That would be an example of a health hazard. A broken light could be a health hazard to someone with vision issues. I can only speak for myself here. But y'all have the right to speak up and advocate to yourself.

Neurodivergent people, this applies to you too. You're one of us (one of us! one of us! one of us!). Don't let the exclusionists gatekeep this information from you.

[lightning-system]

As a medium/lower support needs autistic who works with young higher support needs autistic:

We all matter. We all have the same diagnosis. We all deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.

But we are not the same.

I can mask and might be seen as 'odd' or 'weird' in public. The students I work with are seen as 'dangerous' and 'practically little kids'.

I can go to university and work with accommodations. The students I work with likely will never live independently and a few might find jobs that support them but still pay them less than an abled worker.

I have full control of my finances. The students I work with aren't allowed to make independent financial decisions, even if capable.

If I say 'no,' I'm making a choice. The students I work with can't say 'no' without being labeled as defiant and difficult.

I can feed myself, bathe myself, and take care of myself with extreme challenges. The students I work with are unable to take care of themselves without high levels of support/one on one support.

I had an IEP in high school but was mainstreamed in classes. The students I work with take separate classes and some rarely get to interact with their abled peers.

Our experiences are fundamentally different. Higher support needs autistics will experience a specific type of ableism I never will, and can never fully understand.

Lower support needs autistics need to stop saying we understand what higher support needs autistics are going through and then present autism as only being disabling because of society/lack of acceptance because that is dangerous. We need to stop saying every autistic person is capable of everything if given the right support because that leaves out huge parts of our community who will never be able to do certain things, regardless of support.

We are worthy of existence regardless of our abilities.

Autism is a spectrum. It is not the same for every autistic person. Autism acceptance and advocacy has to come with accepting, acknowledging, and listening to our higher support needs peers.