#at the very very least it wasn’t MEANT in the directly homophobic sense

[sundriedsanctum]

it was sirius

[anarmorofwords]

Hi! You're probably not going to like this ask, but before getting into it I'd just like to say that this isn't meant as Kamala hate or anything, and I don't really want to offend.

Having said that, wouldn't it make sense that we get to see how Kamala treated Anna after she came out? It's in all likelihood one of the things that's weighing on Anna the most.

Obviously Kamala had her valid reasons: her parents aren't as liberal as the Lightwoods, she believes (knows?) their love is conditional as she's adopted, she's not white and not being heterosexual could further any treatment she's suffered from being different... Her reasons have already been listed multiple times by multiple people. Kamala has the right to stay in the closet and fear coming out. And while that shouldn't be villianised, we can't forget that closeted people can harm those around them.

If Kamala had kept treating Anna like a good friend, rumour would've sparked, and even if it was denied, she'd have been harmed by merely associating with Anna. Especially with the life Anna began leading; she could have been labelled as one of Anna's 'conquests' by the Clave. That, as we've established, is detrimental for her safety.

But at the same time, it would create a breach between Anna and Kamala. And Anna had the right to be hurt by it and weary of it when Kamala said she wanted a relationship.

If we look at it from that perspective, Anna's actions (though inexcusable in how they treated Kamala --who was also at fault for not accepting a negative for four months) make sense. Kamala wasn't only a fling of a week*, but also the girl she lost her virginity with, who asked her to be her secret (until she married Charles, after which Anna's affections would be discarded), who hid her sexuality for two years and sat back while Anna suffered from homophobic commentary, and who now wants a relationship hidden from most of the people that know her.

Kamala shouldn't be forced to come out; but the harm that can do to the women she may engage with is reflective of what happens nowadays. I can mostly think of examples with gay men, so my apologies in advance. But how many women have seen their marriages ruined by their husband having affairs with men?

Creating characters that reflect a toxic part of the 'hidden' LGBT community shouldn't be seen as hating or villinifying. Thomas isn't out and he isn't labelled a villain by the narrative --because his actions don't harm anyone. The hate Alastair gets in-universe is because of his past as a bully, not because he's gay. Matthew's not fully out and he isn't villianised --like Thomas, because the decisions he makes to keep his sexuality hidden don't impact anyone negatively.

I'll even go as far as saying that not even the narrative villianises characters like Kamala and Charles. If it were, they'd be seen more like Grace in Chain of Gold. We'd see how Kamala's actions are affecting Anna's in more ways than anger (that in itself put the fandom against Anna), and the characters would note so. We wouldn't see scenes were Cordelia empathised with Charles, nor Matthew said he loved him.

Be it as it may, Kamala and Charles represent ugly parts of being closeted that can naturally occur when someone is in their position. LGBT people are human. Humans, when put into very difficult situations (and Charles risks his career; Kamala her safety), can make decisions that harm those around them. Consequently, the people they're harming have a right to feel, well, harmed in whatever range of ways --this goes mostly for Alastair, and very partly for Anna, whose treatment of Kamala was horrible.

Readers need to understand what is pushing these 'villianised' characters to harm (again, mostly for Alastair) the more prominent characters and go beyond how they are instantly depicted. Because these are complex characters based on complex real people influenced by very ugly realities we will move on from someday, but sadly not yet.

By the way, Charles and Kamala's situations aren't that similar beyond the closeted thing, but I crammed them together because of a post I saw you reblog.

Please understand I'm not justifying Charles's actions; that I understand the pain he's put Alastair through, and know that he shouldn't ever be near Alastair. Nor am I trying to justify Anna's actions nor hate on Kamala.

I'll just finish my pointless rant by adding that I do think cc has sensitivity readers. I think she asked a gay man to go through tec (I don't know if he still revised her other books, though), and know she asked POC's input when writing someone for their culture. I don't know much beyond that, but I doubt who revises her stuff is up to her. Wouldn't that be something the publisher is responsible for (honest question)?

*I've also noticed people using the argument that they didn't know each other long enough for Anna to harbour such ugly emotions towards Kamala, but Kamala also remembered Anna pretty deeply and is 'in love' with her. I just wanted to say that considering cc writes (fantastical) romance where someone can ask a woman they met two months ago marriage, stressing over time spaces doesn't make much sense. Just my take.

hi!!

alright, where do I start? probably would be best with stating that while I can analyse Kamala's situation with what I know/see/read about racism and discrimination and reasonably apply things I've read/heard from PoC to the discussion, as well as try to be as sensitive about it as possible, I'm still a white woman, so not a person that's best qualified to talk about this.

that being said - if someone wants to add something to this conversation, you're obviously more than welcome to, and if there's something in my answer that you don't agree with or find in some way insensitive or offensive - please don't hesitate to call me out on that.

back to your points though: (this turned into a whole ass essay, so under the cut)

I don't think Anna shouldn't be able to reminiscent on Kamala's behaviour/reaction to her coming out, or be hurt by it. what bothers me is the way CC talks about it - I can't remember the exact phrasing, but the post where she mentioned this suggested something along the lines of "you'll see how Kamala sided with the Clave and didn't defend Anna after her coming out", therefore putting the blame on Kamala and completely disregarding the fact that Kamala wasn't in position to do much at all. It suggest that their situation was "poor Anna being mistreated by Kamala". therefore I'm afraid Kamanna's main problem/conflict will remain to be portrayed as "Anna having to allow themselves to love again and forgive Kamala", while Anna's shortcomings - and Kamala's vulnerable position - are never discussed. I think it would be possible to acknowledge both Kamala's difficult situation and the possible hurt her behaviour caused Anna without being insensitive towards Kamala's character, but it would take a really skilled - and caring - author to do both of the perspectives justice. CC would have to find a balance between being aware of the racism/prejudice Kamala faced/ writing her with lots of awareness and empathy, and still allowing her to make mistakes and acknowledging them. As it is however, I'm under impression that she's just treating it as a plot device, a relationship drama.

I'd say no one expects characters of color to be written as flawless or never making mistakes, it's mostly the way these mistakes are written and what things these characters are judged/shamed/

And that's - at least in my understanding and opinion - where the problem is. it's that the narrative never even addresses Anna's faults, and portrays Kamala as the one that caused all - or most of - the pain, without ever even acknowledging her problems and background.

White characters in TLH make mistakes and fuck up - because they're human and they're absolutely allowed to - but the thing is, non-white characters aren't afforded that privilege. Anna's behaviour is never questioned - none of it, shaming Kamala for not being able to come out, dismissing her desire to be a mother, or any of the questionable things she did in ChoI. Same with Matthew, James, Thomas. Alastair and Kamala however? they're constantly viewed through their past mistakes, and forced to apologize for them over and over, forced to almost beg for forgiveness. Moreover, those past mistakes are used as a justification of all and any shitty behaviour the other characters exhibit towards them now, which is simply unfair and cruel. They're held to a much higher standard.

So I'd like to say that yes, Kamala was in the wrong to keep nagging Anna after numerous rejections, and she was in the wrong to not inform Anna about Charles prior to them having sex - but that doesn't give Anna a free pass to constantly mistreat Kamala. And let's be real, Anna isn't stupid - while at 17 she could be naive and uninformed, I can't imagine how after years of hanging out with the Downworlders and numerous affairs and being out and judged by the Clave she's still so ignorant about Kamala's situation. I definitely think she's allowed to be hurt, but to still not understand why Kamala did what she did? Anna isn't blaming her for not telling her about Charles earlier - which would be fair - but instead for refusing to engage in an outright romance with her. She's being ignorant - and consciously so, I think.

Overall, I think you're definitely right about how coming out - or staying closeted - can be messy and hurt people in the process, especially in unaccepting environments/time periods, and I've seen enough discourse online to know there will never be a verdict/stance on this that will satisfy everyone. I, for one, would really like to refrain from putting all the blame on a single person - but, at least the way I see it, CC is pointing fingers. maybe not directly, but she is. Kamala, Alastair and Charles have no friends or support systems, and the only people in the narrative that defend them are themselves (ok, Cordelia does defend Alastair from Charles, but not from shitty takes about him and his "sins"). Also, sorry, but I don't like how you say "hid her sexuality for two years and sat back while Anna experienced homophobic comments" - it sounds very much judgemental. Kamala had every right to do that? The fact that she slept with Anna doesn't means she owed her something, and certainly not coming out and most probably destroying her life, or even defending her at the - again - expense of her own reputation, or more possibly safety.

As for Charles - it's a different issue here, at least imo - I fear that it'll be implied that his refusing to come out will is his main "sin", and therefore not something he can be judged for, which ironically, will be villainizing, but mostly will mean his actual sins are dismissed. This is where the scene with Cordelia feeling a pang of sympathy for him comes into play, and it worries me. I've never hated Charles for not wanting to come out, but rather for, let's see - grooming Alastair, disregarding Alastair's needs and feelings, disrespecting his mother, being a sexist prick, being low-key far-right coded "make Shadowhunters great again" etc.

As for sensitivity readers - I'm no expert, so I don't think my input is worth much. From what I've gathered from multiple threads/discussions on twitter, tho it is probably consulted/approved by the publisher, many authors push for that - and authors less famous and "powerful" than her. I'm not a hater, but seeing fandoms' opinions on much of her rep, I think she could do better. Because if she does have sensitivity readers, then they don't seem to be doing a great job - maybe they're friends who don't wanna hurt her feelings? Or maybe she thinks a gay guy's feedback will be enough for any queer content - which, judging by the opinions I've seen from the fans, doesn't seem to be true.

Again, these are mostly my thoughts and I'm more than open to reading other opinions, because *sigh* I really don't know how to handle this.

Bottom line - I really really don't want to be hating on the characters in general, playing God in regards to judging the struggles of minorities, or even criticising the characters too harshly for being human, flawed etc. What my main issue is is how CC handles those complex and heavy topics.

I hope I make sense and this answer satisfies you somehow - I also hope someone better equipped to answer might wanna join this conversation.

* I desperately need a reread of TLH before I engage in any more conversations like this, but I didn't wanna leave you hanging. So yeah, I might be remembering things wrong. Again, let me know, I'm very much open to being corrected as well as to further discussion.

* I use she/her pronouns for Anna because that's what she uses in canon

[theredraccoon]

A Desperate Proposal - Ch 2

The soft snick of the heavy office door closing was overly loud in the quiet room and Simon raised his head, blinking rapidly. Like breathing, blinking was still a habit that Simon had yet to shake in his five years as a vampire, but whatever, he had time. Oodles of time, apparently; a fact that still threw him on a regular basis. He blinked again, actually registering the quiet— when had his music stopped? Wasn’t his playlist something like five hours long? Had he really been working that long? What time was it?

This time it was the creak of the chair in front of his desk that got his attention. Simon finally snapped back to the real world and took in the sight of his Sire, sitting prim and proper as usual. Raphael’s face was a mix of resignation, amusement, and irritation; in other words, it was his “Simon Face.” 

“Good afternoon, Simon. How are the books looking today?” Raphael’s voice was smooth and dry.

Simon automatically straightened and his hands started to shuffle the papers around on his desk, moving his laptop back, rearranging pens, voice getting brighter and louder as he talked. “Oh! It’s going well. The numbers for last month look good, we've made some necessary adjustments. Forcing you to let me buy Quickbooks is paying off, I’ve been able to sort through the mess from, err, before, so much faster and I think that if make a few strategic changes we’ll be able to set up the new vampires with like, an income that will let them not be whiny assholes about what they’re missing from their former lives and I think… that you are not actually here to talk about accounting, are you.” 

Simon thought he could detect at least a hint of “impressed” in the lines of Raphael’s face now, but the irritation was also stronger. Simon shifted in the ornate chair and bit his cheek as he kept his mouth shut and let the silence grow. 

Finally, Raphael spoke. “No, Simon, I’m not here to talk about accounting. I’m here to relay the latest news from the Downworld Cabinet. Decisions have finally been made and they affect you. Directly affect you, in fact.” Raphael tugged at his cuffs, the crisp white shirt peeking out from the dark blue of his suit jacket. Simon’s eyebrows rose; he wasn’t used to any signs of nervousness from his Sire. His curiosity grew, along with some burgeoning apprehension.

Rapael continued, his voice firming as he went along. “The Cabinet has had a series of emergency meetings with the Clave. After much negotiation we have what we hope is the start of a solution to the... problem we are facing. There will be a series of marriages, between the Downworld and the Shadowhunters of New York. These alliances, if they prove effective, will then take place across the world as we attempt to figure out what is happening and how to counter it. If, and only if, our help is essential to defeating whatever is causing the Shadowhunters to drop like flies, we - the Downworld - will be able to renegotiate the Accords in a manner that is fair and equitable to us and not the Clave. So. We are obviously very invested in making these marriages work and be productive.” 

Simon was blinking rapidly again. He felt his brain kickstart into a different gear as he struggled to comprehend what Raphael was saying and the implications of what he was hearing. Marriages? The Clave willing to renegotiate the Accords? Really? Those stubborn assholes? He knew the situation was serious, but really? Marriages? Who was getting married? Wait, why did Raphael say that he, Simon, was going to be directly affected?

His mouth popped open and Simon heard himself say, in a strange tone he’d never heard himself use before, “Who am I marrying, Sire?” Then Simon froze in his chair, his body startled by the leap his brain had made. He watched Raphael twitch slightly.

“The Second in Command of the New York Institute, Jace Lightwood. Alexander Lightwood’s brother.”

The words fell like dead weights in the middle of the room. Simon’s muscles felt locked in place, while his thoughts started to race forward like a bullet train.

The events of the past few months flicked through Simon’s head like a movie on steroids. Simon noticing expenses for the Hotel Dumort increasing suddenly for no discernable reason. The realization that Downworlders and foreign vampires were quietly flooding into New York at rates that surprised even the older vampires in the Clan, causing them to spend more and more money to hide their presence in the city. Raphael taking his concerns to Magnus. Magnus talking to Alec about the increased number of Downworlders in the New York Institute’s territory. 

And then the horrifying knowledge that Shadowhunters were dying, dying everywhere, and it was forcing Downworlders into the city as they sought the protection of the Nephilim that remained, the protection that they would have fiercely denied ever needing in the past. Finally, endless hushed meetings between the various contingents of the Downworld as they struggled to make sense of what was happening. Simon, as Raphael’s reluctant Second, had attended several before his annoyance at the Seelie representative and his general impatience at the slow pace had led to Raphael kicking him out. 

And now here they were, and Simon was beginning to realize that hiding his head in the accounting nightmare that was the New York Clan for the last month had probably been a mistake.  

“I’m sorry, what? I’m marrying who? Why him? Why me? Who else is getting married? When are these marriages happening? What about the fact that I’m a vampire? The Seelies agreed to this? The werewolves? Is that what you’re saying? Really? I’m getting married? But my mom won’t be there. Or my sister. I never thought I’d get married without my mom there. What am I going to wear? Are the marriages taking place at the same time? Is this really the only way? Is Jace the hot blond one? The one who always looks constipated? I’m getting married?”

Raphael’s hands were suddenly on his face, cold brands on his cheeks, and Simon realized that at some point during his semi-hysterical rant he’d gotten up and was standing in front of his Sire. His body was vibrating.

“Simon. Child. I am here. I know that this is a shock and I am sorry for it. But yes, this is the only way. The Nephilim have been hiding their true situation, or they actually didn’t realize it until now, it’s unclear. Regardless, their numbers are now so low that the Downworld is legitimately in danger. We need them and for the first time in forever, they are admitting that they need us. Alliance through marriage has worked for Mundanes for millenia, we might as well try it. This is happening.”

“But why me?” Simon’s voice was a whine that he couldn’t control. Simon stayed still even as Raphael let go of his face and moved back to the chair in front of Simon’s desk. Watched Raphael settle back down, adjusting his suit for the second time. Finally, he spoke.

“Simon, I’m not sure if you have ever fully realized your power, or your responsibilities, as my Second. When I Turned you, you automatically had greater status than most as my Child, but when you presented as a Daylighter… Simon, the only reason that the New York Clan is mine is because I am your Sire. If I were not here, the other vampires would follow you. That is how powerful the draw of a Daylighter is. Especially because we have no idea why they exist, why you are one. If this plan is to work, each representative has to be of high importance, someone that proves that we are committed and have power to offer.” 

Simon’s mouth opened. And closed. And opened and then closed again. He felt like a fish out of water, trying to grasp the full weight of what Raphael was saying. He’d known that the other vampires treated him differently but he’d thought it was just because he was young. And a bit of a spaz. And a nerd spouting pop culture references to creatures that were around when the only entertainment was going to see P.T. Barnum and his fish-monkeys. This was different. Slightly scary.

A brief wince crossed Raphael’s face and Simon’s focus sharpened. “What else, Raphael? What aren’t you telling me?”

“The Shadowhunters— Alec— put Jace’s name into the negotiations first, as a sign that they were willing to offer their best and brightest, and someone near and dear to the Institute. But we still weren’t sure how desperate they were and if the Clave was actually committed to changing some of their… prejudices. So we offered you. And they agreed. They are serious. Alec Lightwood is the one that discovered the depth of the problem in the first place. He seems level headed and not as willing to put up with the Clave’s bullshit."

The hits kept coming, apparently. “Does Jace even like guys? Do I have to get married to a straight guy? I thought this wasn’t supposed to be a complete sham?”

“Alec has assured me that his brother is bisexual and I believe him. But Shadowhunters are notoriously homophobic and it might be... difficult for a while. You remember the scandal when news of Magnus dating Alec broke. I think the Nephilim were more upset that Magnus was a man than he was a Downworlder. Or maybe it was equal, who knows. Regardless, no, you will not be marrying someone who isn’t interested in men. These marriages are meant to be alliances, they need a chance to work. ”

Simon drifted back to his own chair and sat down. “Well, at least there’s that. Although he could just be an asshole. The few times I’ve seen him lurking around Pandemonium he always looks angry. Maybe he just has Resting Bitch Face. Hopefully.” He met Raphael’s eyes. “This is really happening? It’s the only way? I feel like a broken record, but I need to know. I kinda gave up on marriage when I became a vampire, I’m not sure how to feel about this.”

Raphael leaned forward and kept Simon’s gaze. “Yes, Simon, this needs to happen. We don’t know what’s killing the Shadowhunters and it’s affecting all of us worse than we could have imagined. We need to figure out what’s happening and stop it, hopefully without too many more casualties. And we can use these marriages to make a better life for ourselves afterwards. If there is an afterwards.” His voice faded away and there was silence again.

“Shit. I guess I’m marrying a Shadowhunter.” Simon let his head rest against the heavy wooden chair and closed his eyes.

“Yes. Simon. Thank you. We’ll talk more soon.” 

Simon heard Raphael get up and walk towards the door, enhanced hearing picking up every footfall and swish of cloth, knowing that it was deliberate, that Raphael was a master of silent movement, that his Sire wanted Simon to know that he was leaving, that he was retreating to give Simon space to absorb the bombshells dropped into his life. 

The door shut soundlessly this time, just a whiff of displaced air. Simon swallowed hard.

[justcourttee]

And They Were Roommates-Pt 8

Marinette didn’t know what to think. The Damian she met two weeks ago had disappeared, and in his place was the charming man she had grown to love over the past three years. It made her doubt everything she thought she knew about their relationship.

The first night had been hard. She woke several times in tears to the point that her pillowcase was soaked through. She could hear his level breathing from outside her door, but she wasn’t sure if she was ready to face him.

The second night was worse. Night terrors began to set in and she found herself reaching out for company, even if it was his. She met him on the couch and curled into his side like she did a hundred times before with Chloe and Adrien. He seemed to understand as he didn’t push her to talk, only let her use him for comfort.

By the third night, she was able to have a conversation with him, longer than the awkward five minutes they had managed the other day. He finally opened up about his family, even telling her his real last name, Wayne.

“Why go by Al Ghul then?”

“Most people here Wayne and think money and favors, it’s unpleasant and draining. If I want a fresh start, I use my mother’s name, but it eventually falls through and I have to move all over again.”

“But why run from your family so often? I’d do anything to see mine one more time.”

Her eyes teared up, but she shook her head quickly, trying to stop before they really started. Damian studied her for a moment before offering her a small smile.

“They’ve always been very overwhelming. I went from high expectations with my mother to even higher expectations from my father. He wanted me to unlearn everything she had taught me and became angry and disappointed when I didn’t head in his every direction.”

He paused, noticing the tears still lingering on her eyelashes. Gently, he reached forward, brushing them away.

“Mother was to obey or be killed, which sounds terrible, but someone I liked better in a sense. At least I knew that any disappointment would be dealt with directly, nothing less. Father was angry, taking his anger out indirectly through comments and tough training, but the disappointment was worse. He’d compare me to his other kids, all adopted nonetheless, but it didn’t matter. He held them with high respect and praised them often.”

“That-” Marinette paused, unsure if she wanted to continue, but his smile was inviting her to speak her mind. “That sounds awful. Expectations are supposed to be set by yourself, not your parents. They’re just supposed to be there for support and the occasional guidance.”

“Is that how your parents were?”

Marinette bit her lip, trying to swallow the lump in her throat.

“I’m sorry Angel, I wasn’t sure if you were ready to talk yet. I won’t bring it up again until you say you’re ready.”

“No,”she shook her head, much to his surprise. “I need this.”

Taking a deep breath, Marinette dove in, taking several small pauses to wipe away her tears.

“My parents were so supportive of everything I ever did. I tried sports when I was younger and while I wasn’t bad, it wasn’t my passion. My mother bought me an art set when I turned nine and it was like magic. All of a sudden, the world was whatever I wanted it to be. When I turned eleven, I discovered designing. I mentioned it once to them and when I came home from school, there was a dressing mannequin and a sewing machine sitting in my room.”

Her eyes glazed over as she stared at her hands in her lap. It seemed like such a distant memory at this point. His hand reached into her sight, moving toward her’s.

“May I?”

She nodded as she watched him intertwine their fingers. He waited patiently for her to continue, rubbing small circles into the back of her hand using his thumb.

“I was so happy with them. When I first was given the scholarship offer for Metropolis University, I didn’t know what to think. Chloe’s mother offered me a mentee spot if I traveled overseas, seeing as the flight to New York was only an hour from here. My parents knew what it meant for my possible future in the fashion industry, and to them, it was a no brainer. It was hard seeing them only for the breaks and then even harder when Professor Brookes offered me a spot in her workfield.”

“Your parents sound amazing. The way I grew up was- unconventional to say the least. I can’t even imagine where I would be today if I had that kind of support.”

A small smile stretched across Marinette’s face as her eyes rose to meet his.

“You sound like Chloe and Adrien.”

“They were close to your parents as well?”

“Adrien grew up in a very unconventional lifestyle as well. His mother disappeared when he was 12, leaving his father a broken man. He distanced himself from Adrien, only communicating with him when business was involved. Adrien tried to come out to him when we turned 16, but he scorned him, telling him he was confused and that he either dropped the subject or Gabriel would deal with it himself.”

Damian frowned, his eyebrow furrowing at her words.

“That’s ridiculous, his father could be runner up to my mother for worst parent of the year.”

“Yeah, Gabriel sucks. He still does. My parents allowed him to crash at my house that night, and every night after that they insisted he came over for dinner. They talked him through his teenage years, offering him advice and unconditional love. It was exactly what he needed to go public about his sexuality, my parents on either side of him at the press conference, offering support where they could. There was nothing his father could do at the point; if he spoke out, he would be seen as homophobic. Adrien held my parents on such a high pedestal after that.”

“And what about Chloe?”

Marinette shook her head, a small laugh escaping, shocking the two of them.

“Chloe used to be a terror when we were younger, but to be fair, she was being enabled at every turn. Her mother was a workaholic, never around and her father was a corrupt politician. She bullied me alot.”

Damina raised his eyebrow, but Marinette simply waved him off.

“I know what you’re thinking. It’s what everyone said when I offered to be her roommate in college. ‘How can I be her friend after that?’ It’s simple. When we were 14, she really fell off the deep end. She helped Gabriel do some very terrible things out of her feelings of anger and loneliness. Everyone resented her for it, and even her own parents turned their backs on her. Instead of offering her help, they left her even lonelier than before.”

Marinette leaned forward, picking up a picture frame from the table. Leaning over, she allowed Damian to take a closer look. The picture depicted a happy family. Marinette’s parents in the back with Marinette and the two blondes in front of them. The moment frozen as everyone was caught mid laugh at some unseen humor.

“Chloe fell into a depressive state and one night, my mother found her on our doorstep, tears pouring down her eyes. My parents brought her inside, wrapped her in a large blanket and offered her a mug of hot cocoa. They knew who she was, they knew what she had done, but they could never leave her outside, they could never leave a child alone. She apologized for everything, telling me how her therapy helped her realize how terrible she was when we were younger. She was genuine.”

“How could you tell?”

Marinette pulled the picture close to her chest, a tear slipping from her eye.

“Chloe was a lot of things, but she never lied to me. She always believed in what she was saying, no matter how crazy it was. That night was a new beginning. It was rocky at first, but between myself and Adrien, we helped her back onto her feet. Pretty soon, she joined family dinners too. We did it every night for two years and I can’t tell you how much joy it brought to everyone, especially my parents. The one thing they loved more than each other, was loving others.”

A few more tears slipped out before she could stop them. It felt like she ripped off a bandaid she forgot was there. She knew her friends needed to know, Damian’s grim stare confirmed he was thinking the same thing. But it was too much. It was still too raw and the emotions swimming in her head from their deaths and from Damian’s confession. She couldn’t help them through their grief. Not yet.

“Marinette, I could tell them if you would like.”

She shook her head as she closed her eyes, trying to steady her breathing again.

“It’s something I should do. I just need one more night.”

He nodded in understanding, not pushing the matter anymore, something she was grateful for. Marinette sat down the picture and picked up the pen beside it. She handed it to Damian before settling back into the couch.

“Could you draw me something?”

“What would you like me to draw?”

Marinette shook her head, leaning in his direction.

“Anything.”

And so he began, sketching on his wrist, his eyes occasionally glancing over at hers as she watched her own wrist intently. He watched her eyes start to flutter shut only to fly open as she fought the exhaustion. But it was a losing battle as she finally fell into his side, soft breaths escaping her parted lips. He placed the finishing touches before capping the pen, tossing it gently to the coffee table.

“Goodnight Angel.”

He reached over to the lamp, pulling the string hard, plunging them into darkness. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .   Marinette sat up abruptly to the sound of the banging on her door. Her first instinct was to reach into the drawer under the coffee table, pulling out a small pink container. She stood to move closer as a second round of banging commenced. Her eyes darted back to the couch where Damian had sat last night.  

It was empty, a small piece of paper on the coffee table promised her that he would return soon. Creeping towards the peephole, Marinette took a cautious look, only to find it covered by whoever was outside. With a deep breath, Marinette flung open the door, raising the pink container to her defense.

Her would be assailant fell to the ground, grabbing his eyes as he let out a string of curses that would’ve expelled him from any school he could’ve ever attended. She looked up to find two more startled figures, both had their hands held in a surrender position. Marinette lowered her defense, her eyes narrowing at the two men.

“Who are you?”

“She really pepper sprayed me! You guys promised it would just aggravate Demon Spawn, you didn’t tell me I would be assaulted!”

The man on the ground sat up, still rubbing his bloodshot eyes, tears pouring down his face.

“I’ll ask you one more time, and just to be clear, you give me anything other than an answer to my question and I don’t need the pepper spray to kick your sorry asses. Who. Are. You?”

Two of them shared a panicked look, neither daring to move to help the third man up.

“Well you see sunshine, you are not who we were expecting either, in fact-”

The man with the bloodshot eyes rose only to be slammed into the wall by the girl. Marinette gripped his arm tightly behind his back, pushing his front side further into the concrete wall. Leaning all of her weight into him, she ignored his cries to ‘tap out’, her glare demanding a better answer from the remaining two.

The smaller one nudged the taller guy forward, neither looking eager to talk.

“Well you see, it’s a funny story really-”

“I’m losing my patience.” Marinette pulled her hostage’s arm further back, causing another string of curses.

“It’s just that-”

“They’re my idiot brothers.”

Marinette turned her head to see Damian standing behind them, an amused expression evident on his face. He was holding a tray with two coffees in them, a bag from Marinette’s favorite bakery in his other hand.

Horrified, Marinette let go of the man, allowing him to drop to the ground, rubbing his shoulder as he scooted away from her.

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry. It’s just between the banging on the door and then covering the peephole, I just assumed the worst. Please, come in, I’m so sorry.”

Marinette repeatedly apologized as she moved to help her poor victim up off the ground. 

“Don’t offer him help habibti, you’re too generous. Leave him on the ground.”

She shook her head, gently gripping the man’s good arm as she helped him to his feet. He moved quickly out of her grasp, his expression a mixture between weary and respect.

Damian stepped in front of her, his glare causing each man to fold in on themselves, none expect the man from the ground even dared to meet his eyes.

“Besides, you were asking the wrong question. It doesn’t matter who they are, it only matters what they’re doing here and how soon can they leave?”

Tag List:

@damianette-is-life @ladybug-182 @fusser90 @thestressmademedoit @dast218 @thezestywalru @jardimazul @olynix @dorkus-minimus @xahriia @kris-pines04 @urbanpineapplefarmer @moonlightstar64 @itsmeevie01 @little-lady-bird @alexandriamw @lozzybowe @emmdaenovice @loysydark @toodaloo-kangaroo @jessigurl-design @aegyobutpsycho2 @stark-morgoona @tis-i-beanbandit @rebecarojas07 @abrx2002 @ash-amg @loveswifi @heaven428 @dreamykitty25 @marinettepotterandplagg @smolplantmum @clumsy-owl-4178 @books-and-left-behind-journals @joejoejodee @iloontjeboontje @maybemanymuffins @zalladane @mysupporthyperfixations 

[ryanberga]

At some point will you post some sort of transcript/verbatum of what was said for those of us who haven’t listened/can’t listen so we can understand the situation and what exactly was said in what context (no pressure because I know you said you haven’t listened to it either but some of us [me] are confused and only know that bad things were said but not like what and in what context) thank you for this blog wishing you a less stressful day

i went ahead and transcribed the entire last question for you so that you have the full context. this is 10-15 minutes worth of dialogue so apologies that it's so long! i cut out any irrelevant banter/jokes, and i stopped the transcript where i did because that's the end of the bulk of it. i bolded the parts that i (and most people) have taken issue with

Katie: [reading question] "Guys! I'm in a really sticky situation. For context, I live in rural Ireland, and I'm meant to be starting my first year at uni (you'd say college). My problem is that there's a girl in my friend group that I really despise. There's eight of us in total, so it's easy enough to stay clear of her, but moving to uni was meant to be the perfect time to be able to cut all ties. It's safe for us here in Ireland to be meeting outdoors and even indoors, and I had my friends over for camping a while ago. She didn't show, and it was the first time I felt comfortable in my friend group, as well as the fact that my friend group didn't split into two separate groups as it usually would. I want to go camping again with my friends because it would be such fun, but I don't want to invite her but at the same time don't want to be excluding someone. For context, the problem I have with her is that she can be very judgmental to the point of slut-shaming, as well as having homophobic and racist views. I recently had two friends inside the group come out to me, and one (a newer friend) is oblivious to her views, as she has been less outspoken in the recent year. I'm at a loss what to do because I hate confrontation and don't want to start any drama but am frankly uncomfortable with her. Is it mean to exclude her because who knows if we'll get to start uni and make new friends anytime soon?" [end question] Um, so I chose this because uhh... you know, I think it's a very relatable, common thing to have sort of a friend group that coalesces and to value the group a lot but to figure out over time that maybe somebody in it... you know, doesn't share your ideals or values and to sort of not know what to do when that comes up. And sort of bigger than this person's question, I also think that something that's sort of going on right now is that a lot of people are realizing that they have family or friends or people that they're close to in some capacity that maybe are not as woke as they could be and are maybe resistant to having conversations that they should be having or seeing things in a more progressive light, especially with a lot of what's been going on this year. Um, so it's a really tough thing, I think, to have somebody that you're close to have views that you can't support morally and, you know, with this person, it's easier in the sense that it doesn't sound like she's very close to this person, so if she could just cut her out of her life, it sounds like she'd be happy enough. For a lot of people, that is a tougher choice. So I wanted to talk about it because, um... you know, I think it's a really difficult situation to be in, and, you know, I think if it were me, with this particular group of friends, you know, look, I think if you were just disagreeing over, like, you know, liking peanut butter and jelly sandwiches versus peanut butter and fluff sandwiches, I'd just tell you to, like, get over it and, you know, make peace for the sake of the group because, you know, it's a group of friends, and you like everybody else, so whatever. But racist, homophobic views are not something to just, like, kind of ignore and push aside, especially if you've got friends in the group who literally could be really negatively affected by that. Um... you know, and there's a difference, too, if this person made a joke that they weren't aware of the ramifications of that could maybe be explained to them or maybe could sort of help them work through something, or if this person holds sincere, you know, sincerely racist or homophobic views that aren't—that go beyond ignorance that are, you know, rooted in something deeper. Um, and if it's the latter, you know, I would suggest talking to other friends and seeing if they're having similar impressions of this person, and, you know, if that's the case, you know, I do think that it would be worth finding other friends, you know. That's harsh, but you can't allow yourself and your friends to be influenced by somebody who isn't open to recognizing their humanity. [chuckles]

Katie (cont.): Uhh, and that's obviously the biggest and most dramatic, uhh, that that could go. If this person has maybe made an off-color joke or something and is just ignorant of the ramifications of that joke, don't know where it's origins are, don't know where it came from, then maybe try the softer approach first, try sitting with them one-on-one and being like, "Hey, so, you know, we've been friends for a while, and I've noticed that you've said a couple of things, and I just, you know, they've been offensive to me, and they've hurt me, and I just wanted to see what you meant by them," and sort of let them explain themselves, and if they're just like, "Oh, I didn't—it was just a joke!" then sort of talk to them, tell them why it's not just a joke, tell them why it could hurt people and, without outing anyone in your group, tell them that, you know, you maybe know people who might have been hurt by that. Um, and see if they could around because you're, you know, that would be giving them a chance to sort of realize that maybe they were on the other side of things when they didn't realize that they were, and it gives them a chance to have discourse and maybe see things differently. And, if they don't, well, you know... Yeah, you're going to uni, cut ties. Sorry.

Steven: That's a very tough question.

Shane: Are they going to uni with the person?

Katie: Uh, I think she was saying that they're going to uni and that was going to sort of break up the friend group, so she wasn't worried about it?

Shane: Oh. I see.

Katie: But because, um... Because, like, it's being delayed...

Shane: Mhm.

Steven: Yeah. Ohhh, I see.

Katie: She's sort of still hanging out with this group, and she's having a tough time with it.

Steven: Right. And wants to go camping.

Katie: And, yeah, specifically, she's got this last thing, she wants to have another camping trip with this group of friends. She just needs to not invite this person, but obviously that would probably be seen as a bit harsh by everybody. So. I don't know, that's my first blush at it. Do you guys have...?

Shane: Yeah, I mean, I would talk to them. I don't know if it's talking to them with, uh, other friends to make it seem like it's not, you know, a one-on-one thing, but I guess you also don't wanna... I don't know, it's very situational. I would definitely talk to them, and then, you know, try to communicate the weight of things, you know. Some people are very flippant with things. Also, you know, their empathy center kinda involves a little slower than others. Uh, some people are not intentionally malicious when they're younger, they just don't realize uh, you know, the impact of certain things, and, uh, I think people are capable of growing and learning, uh, which is great, especially young people. Um... but uh... you know, at a certain point, it's not your responsibility to... to... [chuckles] uh, force them to grow. Uh, so, I would say have a conversation with them. Try to push them in a direction, and if that's not working then maybe... maybe they have to be comfortable with the fact that you don't want to hang out with them anymore. You know?

Katie: Yeah. I agree.

Shane: That's what I'd say.

Katie: Mhm.

Steven: I mean, but the question really is how does this person do this camping trip or does—do you exclude her? Do you not—because I'm trying to think of the solution for that, and that's where I'm—I mean, frankly, I'm kind of stuck, too because, like you said, Shane, it's very situational. It's hard to really read into this because I have a lot of friends who are a little bit racist and a little homophobic, and I'm still friends with them. And I'm not saying that, uh, I'm still friends with them because of their values, I'm... I.... I just value them as people themselves, and I try to keep them around and try to, you know, educate them with what I can, but it's not something that, um... I don't want to... I don't know, I don't want to cut ties with everybody because of their belief system because I—frankly, I have a different value system from Katie and Shane and Ryan, like, we're—I think a lot of it is on a spectrum, but if this person is outwardly judgmental, it's really hard to say. It's hard for me to, uh, read into this because my initial reaction is to try to be as understanding as possible to this person, and to at least try to have a conversation, like Shane was saying. Um, and it would be mean to exclude her because it would be targeted at her specifically, but, um, the way to get ahead of that is... all you gotta do is be super passive-aggressive and find a camping spot that only allows seven people.

Shane: [laughs]

Katie: [laughs]

Steven: No, no, that's not the answer, that's not the answer! Don't do that! Um—

Shane: You probably wanna have the conversation before the camping trip.

Steven: Yes.

Katie: Yeah!

Shane: Ideally.

Steven: Just talk to the person directly. I think that's the only way to have to do it, and to, like, do it respectfully. Honestly? It's gonna hurt, it's gonna suck, and they may hate you forever, but it seems like you don't really care what they think about you anyway, so, uh, just have the hard conversation, but, when you do, don't come across it as "I am judging you for your judgmentalness." It's more like, "Hey, I want to do this out of, like, you know, because I care about you as a person, even though I don't believe everything you believe. I want you to change, and I want you to grow." And having that posture of patience is better and will come across a lot cleaner and maybe she won't be so defensive about her thoughts. It's a tough one.

[monkberries]

Wait what's wrong with the AKOM How Do You Sleep episode? I remember it being fine but its been ages since i listened to it so if you've got any thoughts I'd love to hear them :)

Be aware, this is only about the first episode, not about the George-focused episode. If they resolve any of the issues I have with the first episode in the second episode, then I sincerely apologize.

First, there are some things they talk about that I agree with! Near the end of the episode, they discuss the dynamic between John and the people around him in a really insightful way, and in a way I’ve often thought about it; both John and the people around him were all kind of in this mindset of “oh, Paul rejected us? Well, we didn’t want him ANYWAY! So THERE!” They also discuss the fact that John was very easily manipulated, and nearly his entire support system (minus Ringo, and shame on them for not mentioning that) basically egged his anger and viciousness on. And they also play/read some interviews with John about the song and tangential subjects, and it’s always nice to hear primary sources.

However, much like their post about Lewisohn, I find a lot of this episode excessive, overtorqued, and generally far too exaggerated. They perceive an imbalance in narratives (which I do think is there, just not to the extent they say) and overcorrect, imho.

First, I want to get my opinion on the song itself out of the way: I listen to it a lot. It’s on my Fall 2020 playlist. I enjoy the musicality, the style; the mood it evokes is extremely strong to me. Sometimes it’s fun to indulge in feeling evil or mean without having to actually be evil or mean! Plus, I love playing it right before Jealous Guy, or Steel and Glass, or I Know (I Know), just to get that maximum John Lennon Mood Whiplash effect. I think George’s solo is vicious and perfect for the mood as well. However, the lyrics are pretty horrendous in terms of their effect on Paul and his feelings; they’re also horrendous in that they’re just not well-written lyrics. IMHO you can tell it was written by three different people all throwing insults at the wall to see what would stick and rhyme. Half of the digs don’t even make sense. “So Sgt. Pepper took you by surprise/You better see right through that mother’s eyes” Wut? “The one mistake you made was in your head” ??? The hell do these things even mean lmao

Anyway. Onto the episode itself.

Around 1 minute in, they say that there’s not a lot of check and balance in the Beatles fandom w/r/t this song, and that much of the fandom espouses that HDYS was “deserved” and “honest”. They reiterate this sentiment over in different ways throughout the episode, and I just do not see that kind of thing being a majority opinion in Beatles fandom spaces at all. Perhaps they are occupying different fandom spaces than I occupy (tumblr/Hey Dullblog/beatlebioreview), and it is true where they are? (In which case, my goodness, find some better blogs to follow, babes!) They talk about how they’ve never seen anyone pick it apart before, and that the discussion around it has not changed, that people have been saying Paul deserved it since it came out. Again, this is does not jive with my experience in the Beatles fandom.

From Shout!, a book with a well known anti-McCartney streak, published in 1981: “John’s Imagine album - despite the plea for universal peace and brotherhood in the title track - launched a thermo-nuclear strike back at Paul with ‘How Do You Sleep?’ a title suggesting crimes almost in the realm of first-degree murder. The McCartney references were unmistakable, and, often, cruelly unjust: ‘The freaks was right when they said you was dead... The only thing you done was Yesterday...’ There was even a two-fingered gesture of contempt for Paul’s new outdoor life with Linda on their Scottish farm.” Also, the RS review spends two paragraphs talking specifically about how heinous and unjustifiable HDYS is. You can definitely say that rock journalism takes some of the attitude of HDYS and runs with them, such as Paul’s music sounding like muzak - that sentiment certainly persisted. But I would argue that most of the shit journos are reacting to and buying into comes from Lennon Remembers primarily, where John says all the same crap and more, and worse, rather than HDYS itself, which they seem to balk at.

They make the claim as well that the Imagine LP has been elevated to some kind of untouchable, un-criticizeable status. In the years after his death, I think there is probably some truth to that, although again, untouchable is an extreme word. Even in 2003, the LP was number 80 on Rolling Stone’s top 500 albums of all time. However, it was 227 on NME’s list in 2013 and dropped to 223 on Rolling Stone’s new 2020 list, suggesting a waning in popularity over time and a willingness to look more objectively at the quality of it.

The thing that really bothered me about this episode is like... They talk about the need for nuanced discussion of the song, right? And that’s all fine and good, and I agree, nuance in any Beatles discussion is essential if you want to get close to any actual truth. However, they then go on to say, quite adamantly, that if you say the music of the song is good, even if you think the lyrics are awful, then they wouldn’t even bother having a conversation with you. It’s very “We want nuance! NO NOT LIKE THAT! YOU’RE DOING NUANCE WRONG!” Like, I’m sorry, the music is good, in my opinion! John is very good at evoking a mood! The fact that I think George’s solo is incredible, or that the keyboard riff gives me chills, or that I think the bass goes super hard, doesn’t mean I don’t understand how rough the lyrics are or the effect they had on Paul. In fact, imho, I think it’s important that we discuss how quality the music is because it underscores the calculated cruelty John exhibited. He worked hard on this song. He wanted to create a very specific feeling out of it, and he succeeded in spades. I think if it had been crappy musically, people would have been much more contemptuous of it than they already are. As I said earlier, some of the digs don’t even make sense; I think they’re bolstered and propped up specifically because the music underneath them is so good. Also, it’s not fucking wrong to enjoy a groove.

I also take some issue with them saying that HDYS was easily among the worst things John ever did. Like... equivalent or worse than going on anti-Semitic, homophobic rants? Yikes.

There are many instances in this episode where they will go “I often read things like...” or “Jean Jackets will say...” or “I see this a lot...” and then never actually talk about where they see these things or quote directly from them. One instance goes “I often read things like, ‘John Lennon is expressing years of pent-up resentment over creative differences’, as if John is some kind of, like, drunk art teacher doling out free advice to Paul on his music.” I’ve read a lot about HDYS and I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything like that. Just about every discussion of the song I’ve seen says very clearly that it was an unjustified, deeply personal attack. I realize there is an aversion to publicly Naming Names when you’re calling out people who perpetuate a bad narrative. But I want to know where this stuff comes from. I want to actually see what it is they’re upset about.

Lastly, they talk near the end about music innovation and experimentation, and this is where I think things go much too far in overcorrecting a narrative. The well-known narrative for many years post breakup was that Paul was a boring square who wrote granny music. That is true; he was much maligned in the press about that. However, I think post-Hertsgaard, post-Revolution In The Head, post-Complete Recording Sessions, and post-Many Years From Now, that attitude has changed quite a bit. Most serious Beatles fans know now that Paul was the first one to really get into Avant-Garde stuff; most fans know about the fact that he made McCartney 1 basically alone in a homemade studio. Most fans have probably heard or at least heard of Temporary Secretary, lmao.

But it feels like these women are still living in the past where Paul was still being maligned for being a square, so instead they go way far to the other end and say “Paul was the musical innovator, not John.” And that is just flat out NOT true. They were BOTH musical innovators. The fact that Paul was the first to get into avant-garde art does not exclude John from also being incredibly innovative and experimental in his own way. Perhaps he wasn’t doing that on Imagine; they are right that Imagine is a collection of really good but fairly commercial songs. But they utterly discount the fact that he did Strawberry Fields Forever, and I Want You (She’s So Heavy), popularized backmasking, was one of the first if not the first to use amp feedback in a song in I Feel Fine, experimented with recording his voice differently with Tomorrow Never Knows and Revolution, and also the entirety of Plastic Ono Band!!! You don’t have to downplay or erase John’s experimental contributions to music in order to elevate Paul’s. You can elevate both of them. It’s fine.

Also, this is the episode where they say Lewisohn’s book is exactly the same as all the other Jean Jackets books except thicker, and I have a viscerally bad reaction to that for many reasons I have already outlined on this blog. Suffice to say, it is demonstrably untrue (not least because Lewisohn hasn’t published anything in his Tune In series that goes beyond 1962) and unfair to someone who has done an unbelievable amount of legwork to back up his writing. They also compare Lewisohn to Goldman (???????) and call them John and Yoko’s “fuckin bitch boys saying the same shit over and over again.” I have to imagine Goldman was a misspeak and she meant someone else, but still that jarred me lmfao

[takaraphoenix]

So I just finished the third season of The Bold Type and oh boy did they drop the ball in this one. I... really enjoyed this show until now but this season was just so intensely exhausting and honestly cringey.

The only good storyline was Jane’s. Her finally dumping that cheating piece of garbage. The way they handled her surgery and recovery and the struggle she had. It was incredibly emotional and well-paced and I genuinely loved the way they handled it.

-

But everything else was... pretty much garbage, in my opinion?

-

I mean, Sutton? Sutton and Richard, getting married, after being in a relationship for what, five years? And... they never actually talked about their future? They never talked about having kids? I hate this dumbassery of “let’s get married but like we never actually talked about how we imagine our future” and the way they handled that, with how Richard behaved? How he placed all the blame on Sutton? What in the world was that? She put her life on hold for him, repeatedly. It wasn’t because of her job that you guys hid your relationship for so long, it was yours. And when you decided to go to San Francisco for a job, she was just 100% behind you.

But now she’s deceiving you because... she... doesn’t read minds, or what? Saying “I want something like they have” is the broadest, least specific bullshit. Something, what? Their career, their marriage, their house? That does not specify that you want children. Saying “I definitely want children” is how you specify that you want children. To only blame her for not telling him that she didn’t want kids...? When two people are in this relationship and neither of them actually spoke up about their wants and needs here? That is equally both their fault.

Not to mention his... his reaction. Just, his reaction to everything.

When, only two months after the miscarriage, she wanted to have sex again and he just immediately goes “so x position is better for conception”, that was just... incredibly insensitive. I don’t know about anyone else but me, but... two weeks after losing a baby to already try again seems incredibly early and to overrun her like that instead of first, in a quieter moment, address the issue? Not to mention that this was an unplanned pregnancy and she just started a new, busy job so it really wasn’t a good fit time-wise.

His reaction to when she told him she didn’t want babies? The throwing and trashing stuff? It just will never sit right with me when men express their anger/frustration by smashing and destroying things right next to the woman. It is purposefully intimidating and reads far too close as a ‘replacement’, which also is always intensified by the woman jumping away instinctively, as Sutton did. Not... Not a great move. Really creepy.

And then they just... end it. Just like that. After this entire show had their will they won’t they build up to them getting married, it all falls apart like that, so unceremoneously and Sutton goes onto a completely self-destructive tour of discovering that she is, after all, no better than her mother, putting her somehow even below square one.

-

The worst offender however is whatever the fuck this show did to Kat. And to Adena. But let’s start with Adena.

Adena, an out and proud lesbian, a Muslim, a woman of color, a feminist. And now... a biphobe, apparently? Wow, that’s just such a great look on her.

It’s incredibly OoC for Adena. This woman, who met Kat when Kat was still thinking she was straight, who supported Kat through her self-discovery. And while Kat used “lesbian” as a self-identifying label twice in previous seasons, she always more leaned toward “queer” to label herself.

So to now have Adena, whose entire character was always about lending women a voice and standing up for them, who always supported Kat, who met Kat when Kat was still very much busy sleeping with men, now act biphobic when Kat comes out as bisexual...? It just... It really fucked Adena over.

Especially the garbage she was spouting. That if Kat now liked men, did that make Adena “just a phase” and were her feelings for Adena “even real”? That is just the most bottom of the barrel biphobic talk, this felt like someone just did one quick google search on biphobia and crammed them together and made Adena say that. It... just didn’t feel authentic for Adena, after how she had been represented so far and how she had acted and handled Kat’s journey of self-descovery.

I understand that they really wanted Kat to face biphobia and I genuinely did love the bonding moment that gave Kat and Oliver, but there was absolutely no need to throw Adena under the bus like this. They could have literally gone to that stupid lesbian-exclusive party and just have... have some random unnamed character act biphobic?

Considering this wasn’t even meant as a lasting plotline that’d be pulled through as a proper arc, because two episodes later, Adena suddenly got over her biphobia. Which is just another thing that makes it more ridiculous, because a woman like Adena, who is deeply involved with the community and who is strongly opinionated, would - if she really was biphobic - not just change her stance on that in like two weeks just because...?

It really showed that they used Adena not as a character but as a plot-tool for Kat’s plotline and it did Adena such a disservice - especially since she is one of your four (4) queer characters and she is your only lesbian.

Don’t validate negative stereotypes like prickly lesbians who only date Gold Star Lesbians because otherwise the lesbian feelings between them just aren’t lesbian enough and like how would she know they’re real if her partner isn’t also a lesbian?

And yes. Yes, I am well-aware we have a huge problem of biphobia within the community. I am well-aware that these type of lesbians exist. But, as mentioned above, they could have taken a minor character only introduced for this plotline to deliver this biphobia, instead of throwing their only lesbian character under the bus like this.

Adena is such a brilliant character and she is... so much representation? I mean, she is one of only four queer characters, of only two queer women, she is the only lesbian, she is the only Muslima, she is one of the only two women of color in the recurring/main cast. I genuinely don’t understand how you can look at a character like that and go “ah yes, let’s just temporarily antagonize her for another character’s plotline, which goes entirely against her own characterization so we will actually also totally backtrack on it after all is said and done”, because it’s... I don’t think there’s a real word for what this is, but it’s bullshit, to say the least.

-

Now about Kat. Who finally figured herself out this season. And then just immediately had to deal with the biphobia, but not for too long because that’d be too distracting, we have too much to do in throwing her character under the bus too, after all.

I mean seriously, Kat’s a biracial bisexual liberal woman, who had an entire season-long plot about being a liberal woman trying to carve a space for herself, for her community, against bigotry. Both, her being biracial and her being bisexual, has always torn her and made her not fit quite in and made her look for her place to belong and she fought hard for it.

So the natural progression for her character truly is to make her date a... I really do not want to type these words together, to be quite frank... but a Republican lesbian. And not just... be with her, but “come around” to her viewpoint. It was essentially throwing out the long-suffering plotlines of Kat fighting hard for her spot in favor of now being downgraded to a bar-tender who is fascinated by the Republican POV on life.

They really used Kat to antagonize liberals as sensitive snowflakes and show that “Republicans can be serious and have good points too!”. They turned Kat into a... clumsy oaf, at best, the way she handled herself around the politics this season? After she literally ran for office before, trying to become a politician herself? But now she is swayed or fascinated or whatever for “the other view-point”?

And just the timing, to have a “Republicans aren’t that bad!” angle in your show while Republicans are literally busy running your country into the ground? Ya really thought this was a great angle to work with? And for her, of all characters?

It made... absolutely no sense with how Kat had been portrayed so far to have her enthralled by this bullshit spouting Republican, because “different views are important and can be insightful”...

There are angles where, from a storytelling POV, you can introduce various views and make it very interesting to watch, but if your way of introducing this other view is literally by her defending her homophobic father who wants to help pass a bill on conversion therapy, I’m sorry there is absolutely no listening to that.

And that’s not being emotional. This is directly about the lives of human beings. There is no discussing that, there are no other opinions on the matter of whether or not children should be tortured into being straight.

And having her, very lacklusterly, say that she personally is against conversion therapy means... it... it means literally nothing if she is not speaking up about it and instead wants to bury evidence about her father supporting it and has no problems with him supporting it in the first place.

The ““cutesy”“ situation of her threatening to get Kat fired over this, Kat actually getting fired and her then accidentally getting Kat fired from her next job, just to graciously help her keep her job after all like some White Republican Savior was... very cringey to watch, but so was honestly every single interaction between them, based on the juxtaposition of those characters.

I’m sorry, as a lesbian, I have intensely strong feelings about how they utilized lesbian characters for bullshit agendas this season. First Adena for the biphobia angle and then writing a Republican lesbian in there to like... sell Republicans?

I just... genuinely can not grasp what that storyline even was, because it honestly just felt like Republican propaganda? And yes, propaganda. Because it undermined the already established liberal character that Kat had been, made her not entirely turn toward being Republican but suddenly be oh-so open minded about the views (after this plotline was literally introduced through, and I will say it again, conversion therapy. I mean seriously, you could have a liberal and a Republican have conversations with each other and “see each other’s points of view”, but you absolutely can not have that after introducing the plotline through one of the most horrific things that can happen to our community). They portrayed Eva as the understanding, calm, rational, charming party in this and made Kat the overly angry, emotional and downright doe-eyed one who learned so much from Eva, while not having Kat teach Eva anything. This was never portrayed as a mutual seeing each other’s viewpoints; Kat was the only one who changed over this storyline. And that is what made this not feel like an “equal opportunity POV exchange” storyline but like propaganda.

-

My very last critique point is the oversexualization of absolutely everything. I mean, yes, this show has always been very sex-positive and about women embracing their sexuality and I absolutely support this message. But... this season went... beyond that? It wasn’t just sex-positive it was downright negative on no sex. The utter despair for sex and linking it with success?

The plotline of how Jacqueline wanted to show women in “power” through fashion, but it was all about owning their sexuality and the first pitch immediately included lingerie. And worse yet, that thing where Ryan and Jane were not having sex.

The freaking intervention. Because... she was having a genuinely good time just having spa-days with her boyfriend instead of fucking like rabbits every hour of the day? That they literally put an intervention together there. That not having sex is oh-so bad, even though honestly, until that intervention, Jane did not look unhappy.

I just think that a show that praises itself on its queer viewpoints and puts the queerness so very front and center needs to step up their game and start including an asexual viewpoint. Both, in the show and in the magazine itself because everything they write and do comes back to sex and it’s starting to get really, truly tiresome.

Sex-positivity doesn’t have to mean that you reinforce that to be a strong, independent woman you have to have sex and that a relationship is only successful if they have lots of sex.

[dewitty1]

Chapters: 13/13 Fandom: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter Characters: Draco Malfoy, Harry Potter Additional Tags: Age Regression/De-Aging, Past Child Abuse, Past Malnutrition, Past Neglect, Past Touch Deprivation, Dyslexia, Eating Disorders, Verbal Abuse, Internalized Homophobia, Homophobia, Biphobia, Homophobic Slurs, Pure-blood Bigotry, Pure-blood Slurs, Crying, Grief/Mourning, Off-screen death of a secondary character, the Death is an Implied Suicide, Mommy Issues, Daddy Issues, toxic masculinity, Long Hair, Emotional Dysfunction, Age Difference, Blood, Bodyswap (kind of), Love Potion/Spell, Potions Accident, Family, Hurt/Comfort, heavy on the comfort, Endearments, Bacon, salad Summary:

Harry gets de-aged. Malfoy has to help him.

Excerpt:

Draco had also explained to Andromeda about the de-ageing potion, and what had happened at the Ministry as well as at Harry’s house. “I’d gone with him to a warehouse,” Draco said. “P—Harry said he thought it might be the base of operations for an illegal ring he’d been trying to pin down. I’d . . . been helping him with potions identification before that. I suppose I never mentioned it to you.”

“But Harry did,” said Andromeda.

“He—he did?” Draco took a quick sip of his tea.

“Oh, yes. He was annoyed that you seemed to be the only one good enough at potions to help the department.”

“Ah.” Draco set his cup down with a clatter.

“And he was impressed with how willing you always were to help,” Andromeda went on.

“Old-me told Draco he was the only one I could trust,” Harry piped up, because even if old-him was a prat, at least he’d said that one nice thing.

“That makes sense,” Andromeda said, politely sipping her tea. “If Harry suspected the Ministry being involved, the best help would come from someone entirely outside of it. Harry,” she went on, putting down her tea and standing up. “You must be tired. I’ll make up Teddy’s bed for you.”

“I’m not tired,” Harry said, yawning directly after his words.

“You’ve had a very exciting day,” Andromeda said. Her kitchen was much larger than Draco’s, with marble countertops and dark wood cabinets. Harry didn’t think it as nice as Draco’s kitchen, but it was much nicer than Petunia’s. There was a fridge in it, as well as a telephone, though they looked old-fashioned.

“I’m going to help Draco solve the mystery,” Harry said.

“In the morning,” Draco said, standing also and picking up the satchel he’d brought.

Harry turned toward him. “You’re not going to leave me here—are you?”

“We’re both staying here tonight,” Draco said, putting out his hand.

Harry took it, and they followed Andromeda through the sitting room and down a hall. “Where is Draco going to sleep?” Harry asked as they walked through the wood-panelled corridor. The house was nice but seemed sort of old. “Are there bunk beds?”

“I’ll take the sofa,” Draco said.

“I want you to sleep in a bed,” Harry said, as they came into a bedroom.

The bedroom was very cool, despite the same wood-panelling. It had posters up, and the people in the posters were intimidating, but in a cool way, with Mohicans and pink hair and rings in their noses. They were holding things like guitars and drumsticks, and they looked like they might be screaming, but you couldn’t hear them. The chest of drawers was covered in stickers, and on the floor was a rug that snarled when you stepped on it. The bedcovers were silver, but changed colour when Andromeda turned the coverlet down.

“Teddy’s about the same, I see,” Draco said.

“Where is he?” Harry asked, looking around as though Teddy might materialize from the accordion wood door in the corner, which must lead to a cupboard.

“At Hogwarts,” Andromeda said. Turning to the chest of drawers, she said, “I’ll transfigure you pyjamas.”

Harry looked up at Draco. “Can we have bunk beds?”

“No, Harry,” said Draco. “We’re not going to ruin Teddy’s furniture.”

Thinking about this, Harry frowned. “Does that mean you ruined your furniture?”

“Wood weakens if you stretch it,” Andromeda said, “but Teddy’s bed is sturdy. It should work all right for a few nights.”

Draco glanced at Andromeda. “If you’re sure.”

Harry was still thinking about Draco’s furniture. “Does that mean your flower-chair is ruined as well?”

“You have a flower-chair, Malfoy?” Andromeda said, her tone a little mocking.

“Oh, stuff it,” Draco muttered.

“You call him Malfoy?” Harry said, looking from Andromeda to Draco. He’d thought Andromeda was Draco’s friend, but now he wasn’t so sure.

“Only to tease him,” Andromeda said. “He needs to be teased from time to time, or he becomes too self-pitying.”

“No, he doesn’t,” Harry said, drawing himself up and moving closer to Draco. “He’s fine as he is, thanks.”

“Harry,” Draco said, his tone gently remonstrative.

“You are,” Harry said, turning to look up at him.

Andromeda burst out laughing. “You haven’t changed in the least!”

Reaching for Draco’s hand, Harry moved closer, so he could put himself between Draco and Andromeda. He wasn’t sure he liked her after all.

“She means you were always very brave and protective of your friends.” Draco squeezed his hand. “It’s not a bad thing.”

“That’s not what I meant at all,” Andromeda said, still chuckling. “I meant he doesn’t like hearing bad things said about you.”

Harry looked up at Draco, who began to change colour.

“Unless he’s the one saying them,” Andromeda went on.

“Let’s get that bunk bed set up,” Draco muttered.

“Of course,” Andromeda said, her tone cheerful.

They both pointed their wands at the bed, transfiguring it in short order into a very cool bunk bed. Instead of splitting the coverlet, though, Andromeda went and got another one, and Draco made Harry take the pyjamas and go into the loo to change. “What did she mean about me not liking bad things said—”

“I don’t know, Harry,” Draco cut him off, sounding testy. “You’ll have to tell me all about it when you grow up.”

“But do you think that means—”

“I said I don’t know.” Then Draco looked at him, and his face went soft all over. “Come along, please, just get changed for me. We’ll sleep, and then in the morning we’ll figure out the ingredient, and when it’s all fixed, you can grow up and decide whether to be friends.”

“We will be friends,” Harry said, heading to the loo. “You promised.”

“Yes, I promised we could.” Draco turned to close the door, but before he did, he stopped to brush Harry’s fringe aside. Harry was used to him doing it, except Draco kept doing it all the time now, like he needed to see Harry’s scar frequently for some reason, and then—he did something weird. Leaning in, he let his lips brush Harry’s scar, and then he was backing out of the loo. “Change so we can go to sleep,” he said, and shut the door.

Harry stood there for a long moment, trying to figure out why Draco was so weird.

It took him nearly a minute to figure out he’d been kissed.

Harry thought he’d probably been kissed before. His parents must have done it. Bringing his hand up, he touched the scar. It didn’t feel any different. The kiss hadn’t felt good or special or anything like that, mostly just confusing, but Draco had kissed him. Draco had wanted to kiss him—because he liked him, the way Aunt Petunia was always kissing Dudley. Because she liked him.

And that, rather than the kiss, felt good and special and extremely nice—that Draco would want to kiss him. For no reason. With what hadn’t seemed like a lot of thought behind it—just an absent gesture, and Harry wondered if that was what it was like to have parents. Maybe that was what they did—kiss you just because they wanted to, and push you into bathrooms, and never answer questions or explain things fully. But despite that, maybe they still said nice things, and held you, and gave you good food to eat and a bed to sleep in. Maybe Draco was what having a dad was like.

If that was what it was like, Harry thought it would be all right.

[allthefilmsiveseenforfree]

What Men Want

So first off, I thought this movie was going to be so cringey. I expected nothing less from director Adam Shankman, who you may know as the director and choreographer of Hairspray and who I may know as my favorite guest judge on the best seasons of So You Think You Can Dance. What Men Want is the gender-flipped version of the 2000 Mel Gibson movie, What Women Want. The answer to that movie’s question was 1) for men to just like, listen, and also not be assholes? and 2) stop letting Mel Gibson be in movies. Well it’s 19 years later, and at least we got half of one of those things still going strong. So what’s the answer to the 2019 version, which sees Ali Davis (Taraji P. Henson) suddenly privy to all the innermost thoughts of every man she’s near? Well...

Treat them like people? Like, with respect and dignity? I think that’s what the film was getting at, but it’s sort of obscured by all the bro-y dick jokes, racism, and misogyny. 

Some thoughts: 

I’ll be honest with you - I thought this was going to be SO stupid but honestly, this giant conference room full of men in which Ali is one of maybe 2 or 3 women in it? Yeah, that’s WAYYY too many men and this vibe is so real. So there are at least some glimmers of an actual point to this movie’s whole existence.

Also Taraji P. Henson’s wardrobe is incredible. She’s like a beacon of awesome style in the midst of all these boring suits. She’s magnetic, she’s vivacious, and I have no idea how anyone would possibly pick one of these boring dudebros over her, given the option.

Ok but wait, I mean, it sucks that she didn’t get the promotion but you can’t just call all your coworkers backstabbing bitches. That’s an HR violation, not cool, girl.

Damn Aldis Hodge is so charming and hot as Ali’s love interest, Will. I’ve loved him since season 1 of Supernatural and he just keeps getting better with age. He’s smooth, disarming, and the kind of hot that feels accessible, you know? This first sex scene is truly terrifying though - and I know you’re an A-list star now, but no one keeps their bra on, Taraji. Nothing feels less realistic in a sex scene than that.

Honestly the entire condom-on-the-back sequence is so horrifyingly unprofessional, it’s no wonder Ali didn’t get this promotion.

The main reason this film is rated R is because men are gross, and I just feel like everyone in the room deserves better than this. 

As far as performances go, though, everyone feels a little bit uneven or off their game with the exception of Hodge and Erykah Badhu, who is clearly having the time of her motherfucking life here as the psychic who helps guide Ali through her newly acquired men-hearing powers. But Taraji is pinballing between manic and brooding in almost every scene, and she doesn’t quite have the physical comedy chops of say, Aisha Tyler, or even Gabrielle Union to help sell this implausible premise when the script is lacking. I think I might enjoy her more as unintentionally funny rather than purposefully funny. Pete Davidson and Max Greenfield are basically just phoning in their supporting roles. And while watching athletes play exaggerated versions of themselves is delightful, no one is giving Reggie Miller or Shaq an Oscar for their performances here.

This soundtrack is very basic, very obvious song choices but damn, there are some good cuts here - like “Bills, Bills, Bills” during the poker scene, hell YES.

I know this is nitpicky, but it feels weird that the punchline to Kellan Lutz’s big “ooh let’s have a spontaneous hookup” scene is 1) he’s into BDSM and 2) he’s so serious about it that he has a whole room devoted to it. Like, it does not take an expert in the field to clearly see that there ain’t NO WAY that man buckled himself into all that gear in the 2 minutes it took her in the bathroom. So not only is your punchline lame, obvious, and totally off the mark when it comes to actual BDSM practices (because none of that was safe, sane, OR consensual), but it also doesn’t logically make any sense. I will admit that it made me laugh in the credits when his character’s actual credited name was “Captain Fucktastic” though. 

Turns out, even after all these years, I still hate hearing anything that comes out of Tracy Morgan’s mouth.

This promo video is so embarrassing, it looks like it was made on racist iMovie. Big booty hos and gold chains are the only way to get a young black basketball player to sign with you, right? God, it would be embarrassing for them if it wasn’t so damn appalling. 

Is the only narrative for sports agents pulling a Jerry Maguire and going free agent? That’s the plot of actual Jerry Maguire, Ballers, and now this. Are there any sports agents that just...stay where they are? How do they even get anything done if everyone’s just waiting for everyone else to Jerry Maguire?

Also, anything and everything having to do with queer issues in this film is pretty fucked up. Ali’s assistant Brandon (Josh Brener) is gay, and when he starts to date a fellow employee, per Ali’s mind-reading suggestion, they share one spinning hug, and that’s it. There’s no other expressions of desire or affection, not even one kiss, as there would be for any straight couple that Ali played matchmaker for. There’s also a revelation during a big wedding scene at the end where Ali gets drunk, decides THEN is the best time to stop the wedding (not in the weeks leading up to it when she definitely could have) and reveals a whole host of secret affairs, including one woman’s husband sleeping with another man. It’s played as THE most shocking revelation - a spectator literally faints - and the woman angrily accuses her husband of kissing her after he was sucking dick. It’s meant to be hilariously *shocking* but the pattern of jokes throughout the movie just feels gross and homophobic and woefully outdated.

I will say I’m glad there’s at least some acknowledgement of the intersection of race and gender and how it has affected Ali’s career in the film. I had hoped that this movie would use Ali’s powers to better undermine and exploit all the bullshit she has to put up with as a black woman working in a white male-dominated field, but I suppose even acknowledging intersectionality directly is a big get for a major studio movie.

The main message of the story is that black women literally have to have supernatural powers granted to them to have the chance to advance to the same level as a mediocre white man.

Also the ending is super abrupt because they clearly didn’t know how to end it besides just “aaaaaand everything is resolved!” 

What Men Want is uneven, but at least engages with some deeper issues than its Mel Gibson predecessor. It has its moments of humor (Shaq thinking about himself in the third person just GETS ME) but overall I don’t know that this movie is what men OR women really want.

[lesbianau]

I'm a trans mtf gal majoring in LGBT/queer studies so I'd just like to add something! English isn't my first language rip so I apologize for my grammar. But there was so much misinformation being promoted yesterday and from what I could tell the op's of these posts were mostly cisgender? Which is so so uncomfortable. The idea of these messages from cis people on gender being cemented in this fandom as the acceptable way to talk about gender is a bit distressing. And from what I can(...)

tell from following you is that you’ve been very respectful about this topic from the posts you reblogged so overall I feel comfortable sharing this message with you. Since it seems like others who tried to do the same thing were met with hostility and anger. So to get to the point, I’d just like to say that from where I stand, with both academic and personal experience with this, er, discourse, is a few things. A lot of people have already said this and for whatever reason(…)

it’s been rejected. Which is bad! Let me make this clear: gender exists as a mental, emotional, and physical spectrum. It’s incredibly complex. A queer person’s experience with gender is their own to put into words. No one else can. This goes for gender identity and gender expression. The reason why it’s such a sensitive topic is because the idea of gender we know know comes from a misogynistic, homophobic, and transphobic society. When you assign gender- that is, categorize(…)

(I’m putting the rest under the cut, but this is a very interesting read i highly recommend)

anything at all as either feminine or masculine- you are by default perpetuating those standards. Pink is not feminine, blue is not masculine, sewing is not feminine, woodwork is not masculine, certain manners of speech or dress or walk or physical features- none of these things that are gendered. Society assigned them genders and decided to shape us around it. It is through this idea that queer people experience oppression, shame and violence. It is because of it. And as(…)

long as we continue to live in this society it’s an influence that we cannot escape. It shapes us, our perception and our beliefs on a subconscious level whether we like it or not. To change it would mean undoing centuries of social conditioning on a global scale. It just can’t be done. What we can only do is decide for ourselves our own feelings with gender, sexuality, etc. We weren’t born with the perks of falling into every societal standard demanded of us. As a result(…)

we are forced to examine our identities and try to make sense of what makes us feel a disconnect with the identity we’re told we must have. For some it’s a journey away from those societal standards entirely. For others it’s about finding a more comfortable spot within those norms. There is no invalid way of experiencing this. For gender specifically the experience is even more nuanced, confusing and delicate. This is because the further away one strays from gender norms(…)

specifically the greater the danger. There can be fatal consequences to simply existing as a trans individual. Both from violence and suicide. Because this is what our society perpetuates. So the second any of us project something born from discrimination and hatred onto anyone or anything other than ourselves, we are are honoring what it was meant to do. As a trans woman my experiences with masculinity have been very unpleasant and as such I’m very sensitive about conversations(…)

involving femininity and masculinity. For me womanhood is something I associate with femininity and I can’t break free from my feelings about it. However not all women feel this way. There are masculine women who are joyous in their womanhood and they are valid in their experience. It does not and would never affect my experience nor would mine affect theirs. Unless I came up to her and told her women can only be feminine or she came up to me and congratulated me on(…)

being a feminine man because we would both cause each other a lot of pain. Even if she meant to be nice to me I would be experiencing depression for weeks even though she meant no harm and even if she apologized to me right after. Another example is if someone told me they loved how feminine my demeanor despite having no hips I would probably burst into tears right there! I can’t help but have a very traditional view of gender in regards to my own identity. I’m a feminine woman(…)

who thinks everything I am and do is feminine. But because I can’t afford to transition I feel that I have to be more loyal to societal norms of gender in hopes I can be more passing. I see a feminine woman when I look in the mirror without makeup or my wig. But the world doesn’t see that. I go to sleep a masculine cis man according to society. Hell, I’m a cis man crossdressing in a wig to my neighborhood Kroger when I groceries. Someone might say that to me as a complement(…)

but hearing things like that nearly drove me to suicide in my teens. I can’t think of a more clear example of the harm in societal gender norms. It is a one-sided word. I walk towards the handle and I am given security. I love being a girly girl and wearing pink and wearing padded bras and a wig because I feel feminine and when I feel feminine I feel like a woman. If I were to take all that sitting at the tip of my sword and walked right towards a trans man what do you(…)

think would happen? It’s a terrible thing! If I waved around my sword out in the open- gave my view of gender and interpreted the identity of gender according to my experiences- what do you think would happen? It’s dangerous! And what I see every day with Harry is a lot of sword waving. Yesterday it was an outright sword fighting! When people were saying what made Harry masculine and feminine the only thing they were doing was promoting every homophobic, mysogynistic and transphobic(…)

and traditional societal standard of gender. Harry’s feminine because of this, followed by a statement that is meant to contrast the previous one regarding why he is masculine because of something else. The excuse is that they’re appreciating how multidimensional he is. But what they do is very blatantly categorize these traits as paradoxical. That there is something about the things being mentioned that are different, complex and unharmonious. And(..)

in a way that is the most harmful they make the implication that this is something he means to be. Harry has made a connection with gender and himself and it’s very simple. Masculinity, femininity, womanhood and manhood. The context has always been lighthearded and it has always been consistent. There is ironically no complexity at all. By simply wearing a leopard print suit he became Shania Twain according to his friends. He thoughtlessly talks about being pregnant without(…)

commenting on his gender or biology. So I find it strange that others try to make him out to be so deeply complex when he talks about himself so bluntly! The only way to speak on gender identity and gender expression is to take cues from the other person and stay true to respecting their identity. This is never seems something that’s given to Harry in the way people talk about him. It is the only way you can refer to someone’s gender identity ever. When he is taken apart(…)

and categorized into what is and is not comparable it directly opposes how he talks about himself. This isn’t something that doesn’t do his character justice or undermines what a complex and multifaceted human being he is. I’m a complex and multifaceted person and I only connect with one gender! I don’t like how this always used as an excuse or even something that comes into question. The only way to talk about gender and everything that falls into it is by mirroring(…)

the comments of the individual and those closest to them who are already doing the same. By not doing that you’re stepping into the minefield that is societal gender norms. It’s no wonder the people at the forefront of yesterday’s discourse were met with an entire onslought of outrage. This is how it will always be and honestly should be. People need to learn compassion and understanding and distance if they are trans or not. The great irony is the fight to establish(…)

Harry’s masculinity and the guilt that is demanded from those who don’t mention it the way they do. Not being masculine is one of the rare things Harry’s been very vocal about. Yesterday’s discussion should’ve never escalated the way it did. This is much bigger than fandom. Because what is shared is what you are being told is oksay by the person. If they compare themselves to women and use female pronouns then take cue. If they says they are not masculine then take cure. If(…)

the person shares with you a comment involving themselves within the gender spectrum then this is the only thing it’s okay to repeat. To speak generally is to place your view of gender onto a queer person who will always be listening and who will always disagree. Reading through some of the things from yesterday broke my heart in two. I don’t ever want to see such reckless comments on gender in a fandom full of so many queer people ever again. Wasn’t the outrage and pain obvious enough? I(…)

just can’t believe it could happen when the person they were arguing about has, to me, been more than clear about how they are comfortable being spoken about in their relationship with gender. If my opinion is of any value to people then I hope they listen and make an effort to at least think about something I said in the giant essay I didn’t meant to send you initially rip I apologize for that Kaleigh! I didn’t mean to send as many messages as I must have after all these hours(…)

I couldn’t help but get this off my chest. At least a trans person has had a say in this in a way outside of yesterday’s debate and maybe people will be more understanding of what really went so wrong yesterday. Anyway thank you so much for giving me this space Kaleigh! I hope I worded myself well enough and didn’t accidentally miss the anon button 😭 Have a lovely day ❤💙💚💛💜

hello darling! thank you for sending this to me because while i know a lot of what was being discussed was making me uncomfortable, i also didn’t feel comfortable speaking on it because i didn’t feel educated enough to do so. i’m sorry people made you uncomfortable and you’re so strong for reaching out to educate people who happen to read this. gender/identity is so personal, and people trying to “disprove” certain aspects of someone’s expression just to fit their personal narrative is so horrible and in no way okay in an lgbtq+ space. i love you a lot and i really really appreciate these messages ❤️

[that-curly-haired-lesbian]

Can you do an analysis on Haunted and You’re not sorry?

Hello and welcome tothis week on Theo The Taymily Trash!Yes friends, that time has come again, apologies for it now being almost Tuesdaywhen Sunday was promised; thesis times sure are crazy, huh? #plzkillme

Anyway today’s songthat anon asked for and will of course receive is Haunted (promptlyfollowed by You’re Not Sorry whichwill go up later today.)

As you may haveguessed from my little alliteration game above I’m under the impression that Haunted is yet another song for Taylor’steenage love Emily Poe (here’s a refresher on that relationship for those whoneed it although I’ve talked about Taymily so much on here and linked this veryhelpful post to such a degree that I doubt there’s anyone in my audience stillconfused)

I also however believeit can be seen as a metaphor for Taylor’s wishful compulsory heterosexualityclashing with her homosexual reality. This is something that the wonderful @all-my-possessionspoints out here and if you’reinterested in that perspective please go read that post as I won’t touch toomuch on that here.

What’s written inthis analysis is built on my own theories and speculations and thus what isstated here is in no way meant to be taken as factual. I’m just trying to putan interesting queer spin on a TS song, after all that’s what I do over here.

Credit for the lyricsdisplayed here goes to AZLyrics as always.

–

You and I walk a fragile line

I have known it all this time

But I never thought I’d live to see it break

–

In the opening lines Taylor introduces us to “You” whois traditionally the conveniently gender-neutral love interest in her songs. Forthe sake of this analysis we’re going to assume that “You” in this case isEmily while “I” of course is Taylor herself.

What she’s establishing here in these first few linesis that on some level she always knew her relationship with Emily was fragile andthat it wouldn’t last forever. Working together and being in love in such aheteronormative environment (country music industry) both ladies likely knewthat outside forces (aka Team Taylor and the homophobic industry in general) werelikely to tear them apart sooner or later. As we all know by now though Taylor isn’texactly a realist when it comes to love, she’s a dreamer and a romantic and assuch she likely didn’t exactly enjoy thinking about the day her blissful relationshipwould eventually come to an end. She pretended that day was somewhere far offin a distant future and that her and her girlfriend would be able to push itforward even further with the sheer power of their love. Taylor wanted them tobe together forever so she made herself believe that they could be. (“The line”that symbolized their relationship wouldn’t break within Taylor’s lifetime becausethey’d be together forever and keep their balance on that fragile line throughany storm.)

–

It’s getting dark and it’s all too quiet

And I can’t trust anything now

And it’s coming over you like it’s all a big mistake

–

This may very well just be Taylor trying to give ussome eerie imagery for a song called Haunted,I mean it does fit with the aesthetic wouldn’t you say. Girl alone in acold and dark, quiet graveyard can’t trust what she’s seeing or hearing, she’shaunted. What this truly makes me think of though is “the rest of the world was black and white but we were in screamingcolor” in my opinion Out Of The Woodsdoes have a lot of parallels to Haunted.In OOTW the screaming-color-line as Isee it is clearly a metaphor for Pride and rainbow colors typically associatedwith the gay community. She’s saying “the rest of the world was straight andboring, but we deviated from the norm and our pride colors shone bright incontrast.” In Haunted when she says “it’sgetting dark” I almost picture all of the colors draining from a rainbow prideflag (or you know, from the world in general) leaving it grey and boring, blackand white if you will. Of course this is a bit of a reach and the line likelyjust symbolizes how the color and happiness seem to drain from the world whenyour heart is broken as you’re too sad to see any joy such as pretty colors. Whenyou’re in love the whole world shines bright and when it’s over it’s grey andmeaningless and boring. Just thought the pride/”screaming colors” thing was aninteresting reading given the community’s strong association with colorfulrainbows. 🌈🌈🌈

She then says it’s “all too quiet” maybe this refersto the “zero contact rule” Taymily was put under after Emily was fired? It’sassumed they weren’t to interact anymore on orders from Team Taylor due toEmily’s “damaging influence on Taylor’s image” 

So basically Emily had disappearedfrom Taylor’s life (at least “officially”) they were no longer working togetherand Team Taylor had made sure of it, I wouldn’t blame Taylor if she felt likeshe couldn’t trust anything being told to her. After all the people who’d “gottenrid of” (god, that sounds sinister, sorry) Emily were the once who was supposedto look out for Taylor and now they’d done this, also keep in mind that Taylorwas underage at the time so she likely didn’t have much of a say either.Horrible situation, really! 😞

Then she says “it’s coming over you like it’s all abig mistake” in previous analyses I’ve done around the Taymily narrative I’vesort of tended to assume Emily was the one that insisted they could still betogether post-firing while Taylor opted to walk away in favor of her careerlike the people in charge were “advising her” but this song almost seems toimply it was the other way around.

I think the line can either refer to “it” coming for(or “over”) Emily in the sense that she got in trouble due to her relationshipwith Tay and got fired for her “mistake” (defined that way by Team Taylor.)

OR that Emily herself actually personally thought the wholething had been a mistake after being fired. Maybe losing her job made her realizebeing in a relationship with Taylor was unwise for several reasons (age gap, professionalism,the fact that no longer working together would prevent them from seeing eachother as often and thus from working out in the long-run, maybe?) and she endedit and hurt Taylor  in the process causingher to question if Emily was hit with doubt of some sort (or a good old “I’mnot gay, this was a fluke”-panic) and viewed their entire relationship as “justsome big mistake.”

–

Oh, I’m holding my breath

Won’t lose you again

Something’s made your eyes go cold

–

What’s causing me to relate this song to Emily is the continuousreferences to breathing and breathe (y’all may be familiar with Taylor’s song Breathe largely assumed to be aboutEmily?) In Breathe Taylor says shecan’t breathe without Emily but she has to, here she seems to go back on thatstatement. She’s only holding her breath temporarily, suggesting she hasn’t yetfully lost Emily and doesn’t have to breathe without her just yet. In my BackTo December analysis (x) I speculate that Breathewas written pretty much directly after Emily was fired, I further theorize thatmaybe they hadn’t even broken up yet at the time that song was written, or atleast Taylor was holding onto hope that the breakup was temporary.

“Won’t lose you again” indicates that she’s alreadylost the girl once and I don’t think that’s referring to a breakup actually, I thinkthat’s referring to the firing. When Emily was fired her and Taylor lost animportant aspect of their relationship (after all they did spend most of theirtime together on the road) so them not working together anymore must’ve feltlike they were losing each other in a sense. Even though they weren’t professionallyseen together in any sense they could’ve still been dating post-firing thoughand Taylor didn’t want to lose Emily “again” in the sense that she didn’t wantthe romantic relationship to end. She’d already lost Emily professionally and didn’twanna do it again by going through a loss of their personal relationship aswell. However the next line seems to indicate that despite their best effortthe love (at least on Emily’s side) seems to have faltered pretty soon, perhapsdue to having more limited time together or just not being able to get over thefiring or feeling like Taylor picked her career over her girl? (I won’t pretendI know why they broke up) somehow though Emily’s eyes “went cold” she wasn’t inlove anymore and Taylor noticed in the way she was suddenly looked at by thoseeyes who used to adore her, but no longer did. This is so upsetting and I wannahug baby Tay!! 😭

–

 Come on, come on, don’t leave me like this

I thought I had you figured out

Something’s gone terribly wrong

You’re all I wanted

Come on, come on, don’t leave me like this

I thought I had you figured out

Can’t breathe whenever you’re gone

Can’t turn back now, I’m haunted

–

We’re into the chorus and Taylor’s begging for hergirl to stay, to give them another shot, to no avail though it seems. She’ssaying she thought she knew Emily and that she could trust any promises offorever she might’ve been given, but now something’s gone wrong in the relationshipand Taylor’s desperately clinging to hope that it won’t end like this, it can’t.There’s another Breathe referencehere, even more obvious than the first. The last line of the chorus seems topoint to the interpretation that Taylor is the one to walk away in the enddespite all her begging she does pick the career in the end and that decision, thatlittle voice whispering “what if you’d pickeddifferently or done more to fight for her?” will always haunt the singer. Maybeespecially at the point when she wrote this song, she was a little older andhad presumably had time to reflect on how things turned out, she’d had time tounderstand the industry more and been given more of a say in PR decisionsperhaps. What if she was faced with the choice today, knowing and understandingall that she knows now, would she’d picked differently? The possibility thatshe might have will always haunt her.

–

 Stood there and watched you walk away

From everything we had

But I still mean every word I said to you

–

Now it seems Emily is the one to have made that finalchoice to walk away after all and that Taylor tried to persuade her not to. Sheclaims she still meant every word she said in her attempt to get Emily to stay,but what exactly did she say?

–

He will try to take away my pain

And he just might make me smile

But the whole time I’m wishing he was you instead

–

I think this may show us what it was that Taylor said(that she meant every word of) you see I don’t think “he” is a person (or evenTaylor’s compulsory heterosexuality) at least not if we’re to stick with ourTaymily-centric narrative. I think “he” is the music, maybe the art itself ormaybe the industry. Taylor’s saying that getting to practice her art will takeaway some of the pain of picking her career over the girl she (at least at thetime) thinks the love of her life. The music will make her smile and make thepain of staying closeted worth it, but deep down she will still always wonderwhat it’d be like if she was able to be openly gay, what would it be like ifshe’d been married to the girl and not to her work? As much as Taylor lovesmusic and preforming I can’t imagine that thought not crossing her mind fromtime to time, especially in her pre-glass closeting days.

–

Oh, I’m holding my breath

Won’t see you again

Something keeps me holding on to nothing

–

Taylor’s starting to realize she won’t get to seeEmily as often if they’re not working together, but she’s still hoping they canstay together so she doesn’t have to try and breathe without Emily. Despite therelationship seemingly heading towards the end Taylor holds onto their love andhopes that is enough to keep them together even through trying times.

–

 (Chorus)

–

I know, I know, I just know

You’re not gone. You can’t be gone. No.

–

This is pure agonizing denial and the way she singsthis part always makes me want to cry and breaks my heart, she doesn’t want tobelieve that Emily has broken up with her and simply won’t be in her lifeanymore. How can that be when the thought of what Taylor could’ve donedifferent will always haunt her? Emily will always haunt her so how could shebe gone? 💔💔💔💔

–

(Chorus)

–

Hope you all enjoyedreading that, You’re Not Sorry willbe up  later today (it’s 1AM here now)for now I need to get some sleep 🌙 Thanks for reading and don’t hesitate to sendme requests for future analyses 😊

[crystaiskiess]

I’m Dreaming of a Happier Christmas

Part of the Our Photo Album series - does not need to be read in order but is recommended Previous Part Series Masterlist

AO3 Link

Summary: Not the most comfortable Christmas to say the least

Authors Notes: t/w: there is a very homophobic scene in this, if that makes you uncomfortable stop reading at “his mother turned to look at phil with a smile” (dinner scene) and begin again at “they were sitting in the car park” Anyway this is the first of two Christmas stories so I’ll post that later in the month

I am taking requests for this series so if you have any please send them in! As always I strive off of kudos and comments and I love to know what you guys think so please let me know xxxx Enjoy!!!

Also there will be another part in about an hour! I’m so sorry for not posting on here till now it’s been a hectic week!!!

Phil’s stomach was in knots, he wiped his clammy hands on his jeans, it felt strange he had to admit. Today, he was finally meeting Dan’s parents, yet they had been together for four years. He understood the reasoning obviously, but it was strange nevertheless.

He found himself longing for the comfort of Dan’s hand in his, but the dagger lodged in his throat wouldn’t be relieved by his familiar hand, as Dan had dropped it as they approached the door. Looking at Dan, Phil could see he was as nervous, if not more nervous than Phil himself. After so long they could have an entire conversation through their eyes, but even without eye contact Phil could read Dan like a book. His hands quivered slightly as they rang the bell, his eyes darted around as though something would jump out at him, but most noticeable was the way Dan chewed on his lip, a habit he had almost broken until now.

The door opened and Phil was drawn out of his thoughts in a snap, the uneasy feeling creeping up his throat.

Standing in the doorway was an average heighted, older woman. Her brown hair, the exact same shade as Dan’s, was streaked with grey and framed her face in a casual bob.

Phil, watched a smile tug at Dan’s mouth, it looked fake, totally unlike the relaxed gentle smile that Phil loved so dearly. It was lacking dimples, personally Phil’s favourite part of Dan’s smile.

The obvious fakeness of it didn’t appear to bother Dan’s mother as she beamed at them.

“Daniel!” She exclaimed, pulling Dan into a hug, Phil watched awkwardly from the sidelines as Dan patted his mother on the back tensely.

She pulled him back and her eyes swept over to Phil, it felt as though they were boring into him. He felt like squirming beneath her gaze.

“Philip right?” She confirmed, Phil smiled tightly as she patted his arm gently. It was so different to his own family, that he was momentarily taken aback.

He nodded, “Just Phil,” he tried to correct her but Mrs Howell was already speaking again.

“It’s a shame you two haven’t been home in so long,” she was chattering away, clearly talking about Dan and Beatrice, Dan’s twin sister, not Phil.

“Is Beet here?” Dan asked and Mrs Howell rolled her eyes but nodded, ushering them into the house. She gave Phil the air of someone who wouldn’t take no for an answer, and was used to always getting what she wanted, while also trying to hard to seem kind and friendly. It wasn’t really a surprise to him that Dan hadn’t come home for almost five years.

Dan glanced around his family home, unwelcome memories swirling uncomfortably in his stomach and leaving a bad taste in his mouth. He could tell just from the way Phil’s hands were bent into the loops of his jeans that he was feeling tense and probably uncomfortable. It was taking all of Dan’s willpower not to take Phil’s hand in his, just to feel that familiar comfort of their fingers tangled together, but he needed to tell his parents at the same time. He couldn’t stand saying it twice.

His mother was the same as always, trying her hardest to hold the family together despite not being a kind enough person by default to properly achieve it. He tried his hardest to smile at her as though everything was fine, but just being the house made him want to run and leave. He fingers twitched involuntarily out towards Phil, desperate to hold his hand and cling to his usual comfort support.

Instead he watched Phil from a distance as he shifted awkwardly into the house.

He walked quickly over to Beet, automatically drawn to the only sense of comfort that he had left. The comfort he had always clung to in this house, she gently brushed along his middle finger. He smiled slightly, during the pressure of their schooling years, with their parents constantly breathing down their necks, young Beatrice and Dan had decided to make up their own language. Not a speaking language, but a way to speak through movements, and they still remembered it to this day.

A brush along the middle finger meant ‘Are you ok?’, one of the first things they had worked out how to ask.

Gently he poked the tip of her thumb, ‘No’. She frowned gently bumping their hips together to comfort him. With a smile he pulled her into a hug, Phil raised an eyebrow at him and he shook his head slightly. Just enough to let him know that he was okay, and not to worry.

“So Philip,” Dan’s mother turned to him and Phil jumped slightly at being addressed so directly, even after only three minutes of exposure to Dan’s mother Phil had already noticed that she was very direct in her emotions, “Where did you and Dan meet?”

He was a little taken aback by the question, the idea that his boyfriend of four years’ mother didn’t know where they met was enough to momentarily stump him.

When he managed to snap himself out of his shock, he was aware of both Dan, Bea and their mother staring at him strangely.

“E-erm sorry,” he stammered an apology, avoiding Dan’s eye contact he continued, “We met at work, I’m the receptionist at the school Dan works,” he explained.

Dan’s mother sighed happily, ushering them all into the kitchen, “Oh how wonderful! It’s always great to have a friend at work!” She exclaimed and Phil noticed Dan bite down on his lip so hard he might draw blood. He longed to pull him close and plant a kiss to his temple, or at least do anything to stop him from hurting himself, but he couldn’t. He had to admit, it hurt him just as much as it hurt Dan to hear the word friend be used in regards to them, as though the last four years meant nothing. However, it wasn’t as though he could do anything about it, this was Dan’s chance to tell his parents, not Phil’s. So he gritted his teeth and dealt with it.

“Your father will be home soon,” Dan watched as his mother bustled around the kitchen, he had missed her, but not enough to come home. In fact he still wasn’t sure if coming home would be worth it at all.

Beet looked as awkward as he felt, and he wasn’t sure what to do, so he just watched.

His mother turned to Phil, and he inwardly cringed, there was a reason Dan had rarely brought friends home and that was because his parents had a knack for interrogations and lack of social boundaries.

She begun cutting and smiled at him, “Philip, I have organised a room for you, it’s just down the hall from Daniel,” she informed them.

Dan looked nervously at Phil, he smiled tightly, “Thank you,” Phil mumbled. Dan stared at the floor, he and Phil had been living together for three years now and they’d never had to sleep in different beds anywhere they went together. Hopefully they would be able to move together once Dan had told his parents later that night.

It felt weird, the idea of being in the same place as Dan and not be sharing a bed, but he pretended it wasn’t. Dan was planning on telling his parents today anyway, so they could easily change rooms later on Phil reasoned with himself.

Dan’s mother was speaking to him again, “Are you dating anyone Philip?” She asked, as though it was a comfortable, easy question.

The question caught him off guard a little bit, first of all it was so unlike any other adult he’d ever met, nobody ever asked him so plainly about his private life unless they knew him well (see also: his mother), and secondly it wasn’t as though he could say ‘oh yeah your son’.

“Oh… yeah I am,” he mumbled, glancing sideways at Dan he was relieved to see him relatively calm. “They’re amazing, I love them more than anything,” he added and didn’t miss the light blush that crept along Dan’s cheekbones.

Dan’s mother sighed longingly, “How beautiful,” she said with a smile before rounding on Dan, “And what about you Daniel? Did you finally meet a girl?” She asked.

Phil watched as Dan bit down on his lip again and inwardly sighed, “Nope!” Dan replied overly cheerfully, “Still no girlfriend!”

The precise wording that Dan used didn’t slip Phil’s notice, no girlfriend, but maybe a boyfriend Phil couldn’t help but think.

~-~-~

One of the things Dan was dreading happened not too long later, starting with a jangle of keys and a click of the front door.

“Is that you Michael?” His mother called out from where they were all sitting in the lounge, conversation was flowing reasonably easily, but Dan could tell Phil wasn’t quite comfortable. Maybe it was because he could see the differences between ‘Normal Dan’ and ‘With Parents Dan’, which were admittedly very obvious.

“Yes Ella! Can you come and help me with the groceries?” His father replied, the same blonde hair and bushy moustache peering around the corner, “Hello kids!”

His mother rolled her eyes fondly, Dan was tempted to roll his as well, but maybe not as fondly. “I’ll go help,” she told them, standing up with a small groan, “You can stay here if you want!”

She hurried out of the room and Beet and he shared a look, they had learnt from their childhood that ‘you can stay here’ was never truly the case.

Dan indicated for Phil to follow, gently brushing their knuckles together quickly since no parents were in the room, he relished in the happy smile that covered Phil’s face instantaneously. They were, by default, a very touchy couple, to the point where all of their friends called them ‘the lovey doves’, so not being able to hold hands, or play with each other’s hair was strange and abnormal.

“You can stay here means the opposite,” he whispered in explanation, leaning into Phil’s hair gently and savouring in the intimate act he kept having to hold back.

Phil actually suppressed a groan when Dan leaned away, he just wanted two minutes of holding hands. Anything, would be fine really.

Dan’s father smiled at him, “I’m Michael,” he said sticking out his hand.

Phil introduced himself in return, taking the outstretched hand in an attempt not to be awkward.

“It’s great to meet you sir,” he greeted and Dan’s father smiled. He seemed like a quiet spoken man, someone that didn’t voice their opinions too loudly but still expected to be heard regardless. At least, that was the impression Phil got after thirty seconds of meeting, everything else was inferred from the small things Dan had told him over the years.

He could sense this might be an awkward Christmas, and he had never been more right in his life.

~-~-~

Phil raised the camera to his eye and felt his body relax slightly, this was something he could do, photography was calming and familiar.

“Move in a bit Bea,” he indicated for her to lean inwards and she followed his hand, the family smiled. Phil could see the fakeness in Dan’s eyes as he smiled, the tense hardness of his cheeks where there would usually be dimples.

There was a flash as he took the photo, he lowered the camera and passed it to Dan’s mother. She gushed over it and complimented him, he was too busy focusing on the churning of his stomach, Dan was going to tell his family now, and Phil was so scared it would go wrong.

The dinner table was the same as Dan had always remembered, tense and awkward. His father wouldn’t speak, staring at them all in a way that made Dan uncomfortable even now. His mother would attempt to fill the awkward silences with small talk, that none of them actually cared about. Beet wouldn’t speak unless addressed to, as she never knew how to speak to anyone but Dan. Except, this time there was also Phil, staring at his food and avoiding any communication possible.

His mother turned to look at Phil with a smile, “So you said you have a partner Philip?” She prompted and Phil’s head snapped up, Dan stifled a giggle at the familiar awkwardness of his boyfriend.

“Erm uh y-yes,” he mumbled, eyes wide at being spoken to.

His mother smiled and rolled her eyes at Dan fondly, “When will you find someone Daniel?” She sighed and Dan dug his fingernails into his palm under the table, it was now or never.

“I never said I hadn’t found anyone mum,” he responded and took a bite of turkey, it felt rubbery and tasteless, but that had nothing to do with his mother’s cooking.

She furrowed her eyebrows at him, “You said you didn’t have a girlfriend…” she trailed off in confusion and Dan swallowed the dry mouthful.

“Exactly, I don’t have a girlfriend,” he emphasised and it was clear his mother understood exactly what he meant as she inhaled sharply. As per usual, his father said nothing.

“O-okay…” she stammered and Dan continued to eat his meal, despite every mouthful feeling like a chore, “So what’s h-h-his name?” She stumbled over the pronoun and Dan bit down on his lip to ease the pain, it was just as hard as he imagined.

Phil hated watching Dan struggle so much, and this was probably one of the hardest parts of the whole conversation, this was the moment that Dan’s parents found out about them.

He stretched his leg out to link it with Dan’s and cheered in his head at the small smile that quirked at Dan’s mouth.

Dan’s mother was clearly trying very hard, but the idea of this tension was ridiculous to Phil, his parents were so comfortable and happy about it that he had never had to deal with any awkwardness regarding Dan.

“His name is Phil,” Dan responded, his voice clear and calm, Phil stared at his plate as though it could swallow him up as Dan’s mother gasped loudly. He was clutching his cutlery just that little bit too tightly, enough that it was digging into the palm of his hand.

Suddenly Dan’s father spoke up, and the whole conversation went from tense to furious, “Get out,” he hissed, voice laced with venom.

Phil’s head snapped up so quickly it hurt and he was staring into the eyes of a man who looked murderous. He couldn’t look away, it was as though that furious gaze had frozen him in place.

Out of the corner of his eye he could see Dan’s mouth was wide open, “W-what?” Phil stammered, the handle of the knife was beginning to hurt it was pressed so harshly into the flesh of his hand.

“You heard me,” Dan’s father was glaring daggers at Phil, “Get out of my house.” He repeated, Phil’s blood ran cold, he was shaking and he felt ready to pass out.

Both Dan and his mother spoke at the same time, “Dad!” Dan exclaimed at the same time as his mother hissed, “Michael!”

Dan’s father didn’t appear to care, he didn’t look away from Phil, and Phil still couldn’t tear his eyes away from him.

“I want him,” he jabbed his knife in the direction of Phil, “Out of my house now.”

Phil was frozen in shock, he wasn’t sure how to move, what he should do, and he still couldn’t look away from the furious man at the end of the table.

He seemed to be growing more and more angry by the second, and Phil was so terrified he had forgotten how to breathe. His heart was jumping around like a rabbit on steroids, “Why are you still here?” Dan’s father demanded and Phil had to bite back tears, “Get out of my home, get out of my son’s life!”

He felt his legs push back his chair before he could stop himself, this man had some sort of strange persuasion over Phil, the words were stabbing at his throat and rendering him speechless. All he could do was follow, Phil finally understood what Dan meant about the way his father had controlled him through his childhood.

Dan watched in horror as Phil began to push his chair back, up until that point he had been unable to say anything past yelling his father’s name. Now however, as he watched Phil actually begin to leave he was snapped out of his stupor.

“No fucking way!” He yelled, voice loud and angry as he stood up and grabbed slammed his hands down on the table, “Phil you don’t have to leave.”

“Daniel,” his mother shushed him, eyes wide in shock at his sudden outburst.

He shook his head angrily, glaring at his father with all of the anger he had repressed throughout his 29 years of life, “How dare you ask him to leave?” He spat.

“I will not have this in my house!” His father growled back, Dan had to restrain himself from shrinking back into his shell, “I want him out!”

Dan glanced at Phil and saw those beautiful blue eyes wide with fear, it felt as though someone had reached through his chest and crushed his heart, Dan’s family had done that.

Any fear he felt was smothered by Phil, he needed to protect him, “Absolutely not, if Phil’s goes anywhere I’m going with him and I will never come back.”

He watched as his mother sobbed slightly, tugging at her husband’s arm she shook her head hurriedly, “We’re not losing him Michael,” Dan heard her whisper loudly, tears streaming down her face, “Stop this.”

“I don’t want this in my house Ella!” His father retorted, and Dan actually growled, sinking back into his chair.

His father whipped his head back around to stare at him, “What don’t you want Dad?” Dan hissed, “Love? You don’t want love in your household?”

Phil’s hands were shaking, Dan and he had known that the conversation may have been an awkward one but this was so much worse than they’d ever expected.

“Have you… kissed?” Dan’s father said kissed as though it was dirty, Phil felt his skin crawl and he longed to shower and scrub at his skin to remove the awful words.

Dan was livid, Phil could see it in the way his eyes burning, his lip was curled into a sneer, “Yes Dad! We’ve kissed! A lot actually! It’s been four fucking years!”

Phil chanced a glance upwards and saw pure horror cross Dan’s father’s face, “Four years!” He screeched, Phil was crying he realised, not heavily, but soft tears were streaking down his face, wetting his cheeks, “You’ve been keeping this from us for four years,” he continued to spit.

“Do you really wonder why!” Dan was screaming and Phil couldn’t stop shaking, his hands were quivering and he wanted to run far away, but he needed Dan to come with him and he was willing to wait for him. “Look at how you’re treating us!” 

“You deserve to be treated this way, you’re both filthy freaks of nature!” The words hit Phil in the chest like a bullet. Filthy freaks of nature Filthy freaks of nature They continued to stab at him until his lungs were hollow, every breath coming out in ragged gasps. 

He was vaguely aware of a loud slam, but tears were pooling in his vision.Dan didn’t even regret it, he slammed his knife into the table so that it was jammed into the edge and lodged there. He was on his feet, his mother and father stared at him with wide eyes, Phil was crying and Beet was fuming, glaring at their parents like she was trying to curse them. 

“You can insult me,” he hissed at his parents, “You have my whole life! But never,” he ripped the knife out of the table, feeling a small sense of pride at the indent that remained there, that would always remind his parents of what they did to him, “Never, insult Phil, my boyfriend.”It was the first time he’d ever said the words in front of his parents, and the way his father reeled back was as though he had been slapped made him quake with anger, “We’re leaving,” he growled. 

Both his parents flinched as he shoved back his chair, it scratched along the floor so loudly that his mother winced. He marched around the table and his anger evaporated, not fully but enough as he looked at Phil, shaking silently and trying to collect himself. He gently lifted Phil to his feet, wiping the tears off his cheeks he pressed a kiss to Phil’s forehead, ignoring his parents behind them he whispered, “It’s okay, we’re leaving now.”It felt like someone had stabbed him to see Phil this broken up, but he stifled all the horrible emotions churning and he took his boyfriend’s hand. 

Beet stood up, “Can you drop me at the train station?” She asked Dan with a pointed look, he barely nodded but she got the message. “You don’t need to leave Beatrice,” Their father said, his normal stern voice back. However Beet just growled, her eyes flashing with unrelenting anger, “Of course I fucking do! As if I would want to stay here with you.” She marched over to Dan and Phil and they all walked out without a second glance.

~-~-~

They were sitting in the carpark after dropping Beet off when Dan finally broke. The tears streamed down his face and he gasped in pain. “Hey,” Phil shushed him gently, taking his face gently in his hands, Dan leaned into the touch instinctively, “It’s okay now!” 

Dan hiccuped softly, the tears still pouring down his face, Phil leaned their foreheads together and they just sat there. The silence was comfortable but Dan had so much he needed to say.“I’m so sorry,” he whispered when the tears finally slowed to a stop, Phil clucked his tongue, leaning away and brushing a thumb across Dan’s cheekbone. Gently wiping away the tears. 

Dan mapped his face as they lapsed back into their gentle silence, there were still tear streaks down Phil’s cheeks and his eyes were red but he was as beautiful as ever. 

“But he called you a-” Dan begun to say but Phil cut him off with a gentle kiss, it wasn’t long, just a brush of lips to remind each other that they were still here, and everything would be fine.“It doesn’t matter,” Phil assured Dan, staring into those sad, beautiful, brown eyes made him want to start crying again, but he knew that they needed one of them to be strong, “We’ll go to my house for a late Christmas. Bea can come too,” he added and Dan smiled softly, his dimple indenting his cheek. 

Phil pressed a gentle kiss to it, “I love you, and nothing - especially not your family - will ever change that,” Dan was still crying but it was soft and he was smiling, it made Phil’s heart squeeze in a mix of both happiness and sadness. “I love you too,” Dan whispered, brushing Phil’s fringe out of his eyes as though he was a delicate flower.“You’re all the family I need.”

Next Part

[mild-lunacy]

What is Canon? (and other existential questions)

graceebooks replied to your photo: ravenamore: unpretty: unpretty: unpretty: ...

you seem to have a very simple assumed definition of what “canon” even means in the first place… but is it really that easy?

Well, this definitely made me think about what my definition is, at least for the purposes of 'slashy' or homoerotic vs 'canon romance'. I'm not absolutist, in the sense that I need explicit proof and cannot take any implied romantic involvement as canon. Like, I've heard about people who refuse to accept when it's a queer romance even when the intent is clearly there but there's no announcement, or the kiss wasn't public, or there was no kiss and only hand-holding, etc. That's pretty clearly homophobic on some level. Still, part of it seems to be about a sort of split in fandom as far as 'slash goggles' are concerned, where people either see 'canon' or nothing at all. Homoeroticism isn't enough (ie, it isn't queer representation), and so it seems like we've created a bigger umbrella for things that are 'queer'.

I hope it's obvious that I have no intrinsic issue with a queer reading-- and I'm a big fan, specifically of seeing Kirk/Spock in TOS and the Reboot-- but I think I just find it useful to differentiate a queer reading from 'canon', which I feel is on the level of something that's inarguably the text rather than subtext. I do think subtext is also a part of the text-- that is, we're not just making it up, or it's not simply a misreading-- but neither is it factual. It's a grey area. And because I think literary analysis has so *much* in the way of grey areas, I find it important to be specific (and perhaps pedantic) about what I consider the text's core elements. As in, this is what I would teach and expect to see as part of an analysis in a lit class exam, and if you don't see it, you're not reading closely enough or have a bias.

Sometimes what you have is a muddle, because while you can be reasonably sure the intent went one way (either towards or away from the queer interpretation), the actual text doesn't bear up. For example, we know that Billy Wilder meant TPLoSH to have a gay Sherlock, but in my opinion, the actual film doesn't really support this except very indirectly. In that case, it's not that I propose ignoring the queer elements, which are quite real, and I would hope any serious analysis would take them into account. At the same time, there is no queer romance in canon, and to me that is simply a fact. I feel similarly about Star Trek TOS. We know Gene Roddenberry was open to the queer potential between Kirk and Spock, and you can certainly talk about the queer or homoerotic elements in the show, of which there are many. You can do a very easy-- and consistent!-- queer reading. But this reading would be... a reading. And any reading, no matter how good, no matter how fitting or logical and natural, is not the same thing as *canon*.

So what *is* canon?

It's not just the *purely* factual. That's definitely an oversimplification, and I'm not one of the people who thinks like that. But at the same time, calling every aspect of subtext 'canon' can *also* be oversimplification. Naturally, I think the characters' feelings, whether spoken or unspoken (but shown) are definitely part of the canon. At the same time, if the feelings are unspoken and implicit, you have to have some sort of contextual action-- or reaction by other characters-- that makes the relationship canonically romantic. Part of this has to do with talking about the larger focus and/or 'bent' of the narrative, which often coincides with Authorial Intent (given it's a competent writer and censorship can be ruled out; what is 'canon' in censored or altered texts is a whole different kettle of rather confusing fish).

Context is a difficult thing to pin down, and sometimes it's only obvious in retrospect, after a story is done. Nevertheless, it's often necessary to understand some subtler aspects of a given text's character relationships. Where was this relationship going? How long has it been indirectly or directly shown to going there? What are the textual pay-offs for whatever symbolic or subtextual queer/romantic elements that may be seen earlier in the text? It's those explicit emotional pay-offs that I need to consider a relationship 'canon'. Obviously, even an implicit relationship may be more or less subtle, and it may or may not involve any physical expression, but it's got to be shown or experienced romantically in a fairly straightforward way. This is my standard for any emotional development, romantic or not: it has to be connected and integrated into the greater reality of the story. It has to have both roots and consequences which are explicitly shown, even if never verbally confirmed.

For another example, and to prove I'm actually relatively open-ended in terms of what constitutes a 'shown' romantic relationship, I've long said I can see canon Johnlock at the end of TLD. I guess I'd say it walks right up to the edge of canon, but stops short of it. I can see TFP as constituting the 'emotional consequences' for the characters I spoke of, because it can be used to demonstrate the right kind of progression in John and Sherlock's relationship (even though everyone but Ivyblossom seems to disagree on this reading of TFP). My point is really that it *is* a reading, not an inarguable fact of TFP (ask anyone, really, even most people who see canon Johnlock elsewhere). I can squint and see it, but ultimately squinting is not enough. Something like Ronan/Adam in The Raven Cycle is certainly incidental, in that their romantic involvement is not the point of the story or even their overall relationship, and no explicit labels or declarations are present, but it's inarguably canon because it has both roots and consequences. I'd also say it was canon in retrospect even before their becoming boyfriends, because Ronan's attraction and Ronan's (and later Adam's) awareness of it constitutes a romantic interest (just an unrequited one). So 'canon' doesn't actually require requitedness, by any means. But either the character or the narrator must be shown to be aware, on some level.

I'm not necessarily denying that I may be pedantic about this, though. But I suppose I think I'd rather err on the side of caution and hold queer narratives to a higher standard. 'Slash' or homoerotic subtext is also an interesting and valuable thing to study or think about in its own right, even if you may argue the time for it has passed. Still, it's historically more accurate to leave that subtext in the realm of subtext, that which is subjectively present but objectively absent. That was its role and intended nature, and a lot of older texts don't really make sense to me otherwise, at least taken in their own context. And well, I'm enough of a lit nerd to always prefer to take stories in their own context, as far as analysis goes.

[williamsjoan]

Taylor Swift’s mobile app, The Swift Life, is the latest celebrity app to shutter

Taylor Swift’s “Reputation” era, one characterized by military jackets, black sequins and snarls, is coming to a close and, apparently, that means her one-year-old mobile app is too.

The Swift Life, a gamified app developed in partnership with freemium mobile games maker Glu Mobile, announced this week that it would shut down effective February 1. Users of the app have until that date to spend any of their virtual currency, which they had to accumulate in order to purchase Taymojis and access exclusive content.

The Kardashian apps are dead

Glu is a formerly venture-backed business behind a number of celebrity-branded apps that help the A-listers find additional profit off their fan base. It’s responsible for “Kim Kardashian: Hollywood,” “Britney Spears: American Dream,” “Katy Perry Pop” and “Nicki Minaj: The Empire.” Kim Kardashian’s app was reportedly the biggest success for Glu and at one point was expected to rake in more than $200 million in lifetime revenue. Other attempts by Glu to mimic Kim’s success failed, however.

Glu has already fallen on hard times, with reports indicating that a company restructure in 2017 led to the loss of at least 100 employees. Now it’s mourning the loss of one of its largest celebrity app plays, signaling what could be a dire future for the company. We reached out to Glu for comment.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by The Swift Life (@theswiftlifeapp) on Jan 2, 2019 at 10:32am PST

There are no available Swift Life revenue figures, but its short lifespan coupled with fan complaints suggest it wasn’t the moneymaker Glu and Swift’s camp hoped for. The app was designed to provide Swift yet another avenue to intimately converse with fans, something she’s become known for in her more than 10-year career. Swift often chats directly with fans on Tumblr, views some of her 114 million Instagram followers stories and, offline, she invites select groups of fans into her home for album listening parties. An app where she could interact with and provide her biggest of fans unique material made sense.

Until all hell broke loose.

After reportedly soaring in its App Store debut, The Swift Life swiftly turned into a battleground for her politically opposing fans: “Less than 48 hours after launching, Taylor Swift’s new app has become plagued with Trump-loving trolls and homophobic comments,” Taylor Lorenz wrote for The Daily Beast in December 2017, just days after the app’s release.

What followed was an eruption of tweets and Reddit posts denouncing the app and its inability to prevent hate from spreading like wildfire across what was meant to be a wholesome, affectionate space for Swifites — on brand with Swift’s mostly squeaky clean image. It’s a wonder the app wasn’t shut down immediately.

Instead, the singer continued to earn money off the app, while some users complained an unannounced moderator was coming in and deleting certain posts. Simple fixes could have improved the user experience, and more access to Swift, something users were promised, would have bandaged the wound.

This week’s announcement cited the end of the Reputation era as the reason for the app’s shut down, but the reality is it failed to meet user expectations and prevent combative behavior.

The Swift Life could have been so much better. It was such a great idea but it had so many problems. It wasn't supported by a lot of devices. Taylor barely used it. The way of getting noticed by Taylor was complicated. It used a lot of storage and wasted a lot of battery life

— emma adores taylor

(@shookswiftie) January 2, 2019

The demise of Swift’s app, as well as Kim, Kourtney, Khloe and Kylie’s apps which will also cease to exist in 2019, can only mean one thing: “We are mourning the end of the golden age of the celebrity app,” writes Vox’s Kaitlyn Tiffany.

In the age of Instagram, consumers, even Swift’s biggest fans — and she does have some very big fans — don’t need yet another app to suck up their time and money. When it comes to the Kardashian family, who have made themselves more accessible to their fans via social media and their reality television show than has ever been possible in the past, an app touting “exclusive content” seems especially lacking in credibility.

Sure, several other celebrity-promoted apps remain, but if Swift and Kim Kardashian, who have more than 230 million Instagram followers between them, can’t generate sticky users then who can?

Sorry Tom Hanks, Demi Lovato, Shakira, Chelsea Handler and other celebs looking to capitalize on their tech-enabled fans. The future of your apps isn’t bright.

Tom Hanks’ Typewriter App Shoots To The Top Of The App Store

Taylor Swift’s mobile app, The Swift Life, is the latest celebrity app to shutter published first on https://timloewe.tumblr.com/

[toomanysinks]

Taylor Swift’s mobile app, The Swift Life, is the latest celebrity app to shutter

Taylor Swift’s “Reputation” era, one characterized by military jackets, black sequins and snarls, is coming to a close and, apparently, that means her one-year-old mobile app is too.

The Swift Life, a gamified app developed in partnership with freemium mobile games maker Glu Mobile, announced this week that it would shut down effective February 1. Users of the app have until that date to spend any of their virtual currency, which they had to accumulate in order to purchase Taymojis and access exclusive content.

The Kardashian apps are dead

Glu is a formerly venture-backed business behind a number of celebrity-branded apps that help the A-listers find additional profit off their fan base. It’s responsible for “Kim Kardashian: Hollywood,” which recently announced it would shut down alongside all the Kardashian sisters’ mobile apps; “Britney Spears: American Dream,” “Katy Perry Pop” and “Nicki Minaj: The Empire.” Kim Kardashian’s app was reportedly the biggest success for Glu and at one point was expected to rake in more than $200 million in lifetime revenue. Other attempts by Glu to mimic Kim’s success failed, however.

Glu has already fallen on hard times, with reports indicating that a company restructure in 2017 led to the loss of at least 100 employees. Now it’s mourning the loss of two of its largest celebrity app plays, signaling what could be a dire future for the company. We reached out to Glu for comment.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by The Swift Life (@theswiftlifeapp) on Jan 2, 2019 at 10:32am PST

There are no available Swift Life revenue figures, but its short lifespan coupled with fan complaints suggest it wasn’t the moneymaker Glu and Swift’s camp hoped for. The app was designed to provide Swift yet another avenue to intimately converse with fans, something she’s become known for in her more than 10-year career. Swift often chats directly with fans on Tumblr, views some of her 114 million Instagram followers stories and, offline, she invites select groups of fans into her home for album listening parties. An app where she could interact with and provide her biggest of fans unique material made sense.

Until all hell broke loose.

After reportedly soaring in its App Store debut, The Swift Life swiftly turned into a battleground for her politically opposing fans: “Less than 48 hours after launching, Taylor Swift’s new app has become plagued with Trump-loving trolls and homophobic comments,” Taylor Lorenz wrote for The Daily Beast in December 2017, just days after the app’s release.

What followed was an eruption of tweets and Reddit posts denouncing the app and its inability to prevent hate from spreading like wildfire across what was meant to be a wholesome, affectionate space for Swifites — on brand with Swift’s mostly squeaky clean image. It’s a wonder the app wasn’t shut down immediately.

Instead, the singer continued to earn money off the app, while some users complained an unannounced moderator was coming in and deleting certain posts. Simple fixes could have improved the user experience, and more access to Swift, something users were promised, would have bandaged the wound.

This week’s announcement cited the end of the Reputation era as the reason for the app’s shut down, but the reality is it failed to meet user expectations and prevent combative behavior.

The Swift Life could have been so much better. It was such a great idea but it had so many problems. It wasn't supported by a lot of devices. Taylor barely used it. The way of getting noticed by Taylor was complicated. It used a lot of storage and wasted a lot of battery life

— emma adores taylor

(@shookswiftie) January 2, 2019

The demise of Swift’s app, as well as Kim, Kourtney, Khloe and Kylie’s (Kendall got rid of hers long before), can only mean one thing: “We are mourning the end of the golden age of the celebrity app,” writes Vox’s Kaitlyn Tiffany.

In the age of Instagram, consumers, even Swift’s biggest fans — and she does have some very big fans — don’t need yet another app to suck up their time and money. When it comes to the Kardashian family, who have made themselves more accessible to their fans via social media and their reality television show than has ever been possible in the past, an app touting “exclusive content” seems especially lacking in credibility.

Sure, several other celebrity-promoted apps remain, but if Swift and Kim Kardashian, who have more than 230 million Instagram followers between them, can’t generate sticky users then who can?

Sorry Tom Hanks, Demi Lovato, Shakira, Chelsea Handler and other celebs looking to capitalize on their tech-enabled fans. The future of your apps isn’t bright.

Tom Hanks’ Typewriter App Shoots To The Top Of The App Store

source https://techcrunch.com/2019/01/04/taylor-swifts-mobile-app-the-swift-life-is-the-latest-celebrity-app-to-shutter/

[usamyzonians]

Duality

Content warning: I’m going to be talking about life experiences that involve homophobia, transphobia, general bigotry and White Feminism.  Though I suppose that last part is redundant.

So my grandmother has been on my mind a lot lately.

We’re getting up to the one year anniversary of her death.  She lived to be in her 90s, so it’s not quite a tragedy.

Thing is, the reason I’ve been thinking of her has more to do with the sort of compartmentalized way I think about my family.

See, what started this whole thing was a not-so-pleasant memory.  I was in the ballpark of 10 and at my grandparents’ and my brother and I were watching Look Who’s Talking.  Complain about our bad taste, but I was 10 and he was 8 and pretty much everyone we knew had seen it.  So ostensibly there’s a problem with us watching a PG-13 movie, but we’d watched worse.  And my grandmother, walking in and out of the room the whole time, was fine with the content.  Until she walked into the room when one of the characters said “lesbian” or some other word that meant lesbian, because I haven’t watched the movie since maybe a couple years after this movie and I don’t really remember.  It wasn’t the first time the term had been used, but when my grandmother heard it, she lost her shit.

I honestly don’t think I’ve ever seen her as mad as when her grandkids heard the word lesbian.

My grandmother was a massive homophobe.  And not in some mild, esoteric sense, in the sense that even the slightest reference to gay people was completely unhinging.  And, in my family, I was encouraged to not fight (this only went one way; one of my aunts had called me a Nazi multiple times for my ‘liberal’ beliefs by the age of 12), so my solution was to avoid the topic.  Actually, I tended to avoid anything even remotely political with my family, because they tended to be close to the polar opposite of me.  My mom and dad were both hippies who were arrested for standing up for civil rights and held all sorts of commie pinko ideals, so that probably insulated my brother and I, but my mother was also the biggest voice of appeasement in my life.

Over the years, my grandmother would make some offhand comments that fell into transphobia, as well.  Thing is, trans individuals weren’t on their radar as much, so I didn’t get as much on that front as their LGB phobia, but I knew it was there.  That’s the environment I grew up in.

I was raised to think of my grandmother as a nice, sweet woman.  And she had all the appearance of it right up until you talked about that one subject.  A subject which probably doesn’t seem so bad to the rest of my family, but impacts me.  The rest of my family weren’t quite so extreme, but there’s quite a few homophobes and transphobes kicking around.  I remember back when their state voted to not change the state constitution to redefine marriage as between one man and one woman, multiple family members freaked out because “the gays are getting everything they want!”

Note that same-sex couples actually didn’t.  Same-sex marriage was not legal in the state, it just hadn’t been rendered further beyond residents’ reach by making it a constitutional proposition.  Admittedly, this is important if you’re LGBT, but it’s nowhere near “getting everything we want.”

When same sex marriage finally became legal, I avoided them for months.  I’m not supposed to fight, but they will take any opportunity to pounce on me and my ‘liberal’ ways.

This wasn’t too hard, as I’d learned to disconnect from my family.  As much as I can think of my family in loving terms despite their bigoted mentality, I think part of the reason I can do that is that I started not being involved with them.  My brother and I have radically different relationships with my family, and this is at least a chunk of why, I suspect.

I don’t know if all my family’s like this.  I’d think, statistically, there’d have to be some other people in my family treat who weren’t total bigots, but I don’t trust them because the pattern leads towards hating at least LGBT people (my family tends towards feminism--white feminism, anyhow, because women of color and lesbians and anyone else who is not them is insignificant--despite skewing towards Fox News on most other subjects).  I have one openly gay family member and any talk about her when she wasn’t present has been horrible.  And I wonder if she even knows that that’s the way they talk, because they’re nice to her face.  Which is the other issue: even if they came off as nice or loving or tolerant or accepting, how can I ever trust people like this when there’s a known history of them saying one thing to a gay person’s face and another behind her back?

This comes to mind quite often for reasons not directly related to my grandmother, but more to my SO.  My family loves Tal.  They’re always welcome at Thanksgiving and Christmas, my mom actively asks about them, we’re supposedly an adorable couple, and even the people who only met Tal at my brother’s wedding have had nice things to say.

Except they think Tal’s my girlfriend and we’re in a completely heterosexual relationship.  And I’m pretty sure there’s no combination of the two of us that translates to a straight couple.  So really, they don’t necessarily love us, but the idea of us in their mind.

It seems like this is part of a larger trend.  The “conservative uncle” is a cliche for a reason.  But--and I’m likely surprising nobody here--it’s really difficult to reconcile the concept of “is a good person” with the concept of “hates people like you, perhaps violently.”

I can superficially hold the idea of my grandmother or my aunt or whoever as a good person, but when I think on it, I no longer can.  These people are full of hate.  Even if they didn’t hate me (or my SO) specifically, they have a blanket hatred of people like me (and my SO).

At the same time, because I am presumed straight and cis (and on both counts, I swear it’s because they are determined to see it), I’ve seen exactly how they conduct themselves towards gay family members, so even if they’re totally awesome to my face, I don’t know that I can ever trust that reaction as genuine.

Kind of makes me wonder how many other LGBT family members I might have who are similarly disposed to not want to deal with this crap.

When my grandmother died, part of me was relieved.  She was the most vitriolic homophobe in my family.  At least, she was the most openly homophobic.  It’s hard to really tell when so many homophobes are “not homophobic, but....”

Even still, I feel bad.  I live in a culture where we’re told to appease the bigots, that it’s just an alternate opinion.  I mean, you can’t hate someone for an alternate opinion, right?  Hate is wrong.  Except, you know, somehow for the people who are actually hating.  I grew up in a family where I was not to get “political” while existing as someone whose life is automatically considered political.  And where family means loving someone who hates you, someone who would deny you rights, or even someone who would do you harm.

This is my normal.  This is the family I grew up with, the only reality I knew.  People who expect love and support unconditionally while spewing bigoted crap and putting conditions on their own reality.  And that’s still entrenched in my mind, decades later.  So I end up feeling bad for having hostile reactions to people who, even if they don’t hate me specifically, hate people like me.

That’s not a good place to be.

Ironically, my grandmother was easiest to deal with, because at least I knew where she stood.  On the other end of that spectrum remains my mother.  I have doubts as to whether or not she’d support her trans daughter, but somewhat worse in my mind is that she has spent decades playing that “apolitical” appeasement card.  Sitting back while her family (and my father’s, to some extent) go on the attack and encouraging the other party to be quiet.

“It takes two to tango,” the logic goes.  Unfortunately, years of dodging my family’s barbs demonstrates this is complete and utter garbage.  It just encourages them to continue attacking.  Because they went unopposed, they got the idea that their conduct was acceptable.

These are the people I’m supposed to love, and it’s my fault if I let pesky things like hate get in the way.

So I generally don’t deal with them.  Since I don’t know who’s actually a bigot under the surface, I tend to not engage any of them.  I literally can’t trust these people, and that’s the funny thing:

They raised me this way.  I am as they made me.

But it goes beyond that, because there’s this idea that ‘if you can’t trust family, who can you trust?’ and since I can’t trust family, well, who can I trust?  I feel borderline paranoid, but I have very good reasons to not trust people and it starts at home.  Granted, I’ve got a long history of people demonstrating they’re not trustworthy outside of my home life, but I had a solid foundation before I really started dealing with the outside world.

This rambled to places I hadn’t particularly intended.  I’ll just end this by saying that the longer I deal with this, the more untenable, toxic, and simply intolerable it is.  I very much resent the way the feelings of bigots are sacrosanct at the expense of...well, in this case, me.  But in general, too.