#at one point Q tries to isolate him from his friends more and more since they are catching on what is going on

[practically-an-x-man]

1, 4, 8, 9, 13, 16, 18 for Gia, E, I, M, Q, U for Eris and Rick, 💀🔥🖌️🪢 for you

Thank you so much!!!

OC/Ship Ask Game: Firsts (created by me!)

Gia

First big aspiration (i.e. what did they want to be when they grew up?)

She's wanted to be a singer since she was a little kid, and would put on shows for her family practically all the time! She still has an excellent voice (though it's a bit raspier than it used to be, since her time in HYDRA led to a bit of vocal damage...) and still daydreams about writing her own music, but she doesn't imagine anything will really come of that anymore.

4. First time experiencing grief

She did lose her great-grandfather as a young child, though she was too young to really grieve him at that point. Her first major point of grief was of course for her younger sister - first for her cancer diagnosis itself, later for her death. It was incredibly hard on the whole family, but Gia especially took it to heart.

8. First time they took a risk, or the biggest risk they've ever taken

Her biggest risk was probably signing up for the "medical study" that led her to HYDRA - which is part of why she's so hesitant to take risks after that. It's not just that she was vulnerable and grieving and HYDRA took advantage of that, but that signing up in the first place was a very daring, selfless thing she tried to do, and having that manipulated leads to an aversion to all risk.

9. First time living away from home

She'd gone to summer camp a few times as a kid, if that counts, so she wasn't entirely lost on the concept of being independent. However, since she was pulled into HYDRA at age 18 and never went to college, her first time living completely independently came after getting out of HYDRA and starting her flower shop.

13. First time being drunk/high

Not counting whatever drugs HYDRA might've tried on her, since she doesn't even remember... recovering from HYDRA was a really dark time for her, she was depressed and in a lot of physical pain and stress, and there were times when she did try to dull that pain with substances. She never got especially deep into it (she wasn't old enough to legally drink and didn't have any friends to supply her, plus her newly-developed agoraphobia made it unlikely for her to seek out any sort of dealer for harder substances), but she definitely had a few experiences.

16. First thing they remembered feeling ashamed of

Eh, just some routine scuffles with her siblings. Every kid inevitably has a couple of those, it's just part of life, but given how close she was to her family, accidentally making her sister cry and getting told off by her parents for it was enough to make her really ashamed.

18. First example of real character growth along their journey

As she gets closer to Kate, she starts getting comfortable with small risks - very small and mundane ones at first, like going to the coffee shop three streets down rather than the one at the end of the block, but given her self-isolating nature, those are big steps for her! And of course, as she grows to trust Kate more and develop more of a support system, she's able to get a bit more open about those risks.

____

Eris/Rick

E. First time meeting the other's family

First things first... eventually I will have a oneshot of Eris and Rick meeting Diana, which is a bit like meeting the family, but aside from that there's not really anyone Rick could meet that would qualify for Eris.

On the other end, Rick isn't really in touch with his biological family anymore, but the Squad are basically his family after a while and Eris meeting them was a big deal to him.

I. First time sleeping together (sexual)

At first, it wasn't any big emotional thing, and they both recognized that. They found each other attractive, Eris especially wasn't looking for any kind of emotional connection at that point, they slept together casually back in 2014-2015 or so and never made a big deal of it. That obviously stopped when Rick started seeing June (and honestly... I don't think he even told June that it happened, since she already didn't like Eris), but for a while it was a good thing for both of them.

M. First time they introduced the other as their partner

I feel like both Rick and Eris would be the type to use the word "partner" early, liberally, and strategically. I mean, are they romantic partners or partners in the field? They'd been partners of the latter meaning for years, and neither of them really know when the word began to shift meaning to the former.

Q. First act of non-sexual intimacy (e.g. washing the other's hair, taking a bath together, sharing food)

Oh, patching up wounds was a huge one for them. Obviously Eris doesn't need it much, unless it's for a very severe injury, but there were a lot of nights spent with Eris perched on the kitchen counter, carefully suturing up Rick's wounds from the field. Similar to the whole "partner" thing, it was something they'd done for a long time before their relationship even took on a romantic meaning, and it slowly began taking on a more intimate tone over time.

U. First pet names/nicknames they give each other

Their whole "wartime"/"cowboy" thing also started pretty early (repeat theme for these two - they were both utterly devoted before they even knew it), and began as purely teasing while out in the field. As an author, I'm a big fan of those individual nicknames that end up being used as pet names, I think it's adorable.

As for Rick's more traditional pet names, that's one part just pure Southernness (look, it's more common with women than men, but there are a whole host of Southerners who will just casually call you "honey", "baby", "sweetheart", etc. in a totally platonic way, it's just a thing here), and one part genuine flirting. He definitely gets more candid with it after his breakup with June, when he and Eris are "officially" together for the first time, but it had a habit of slipping out whenever he was worried about them, romantic relationship or no.

____

💀 - First time writing character death, and how you felt about it

I... am not sure. On the one hand, I don't shy away from death as a narrative tool, and I think it can be really impactful (and sometimes is just how a story needs to end). But on the other hand, it's not something I usually seek out in fanfic, just because fanfic is an escape for me. I don't know what my first time writing character death was, honestly.

🔥 - First time writing romance/spicy scenes, and how you felt about it

I still don't write smut, but I have done a bit more expanding into writing spicier scenes over time. I've been writing romantic things for a while and I enjoy it, but I think the first really spicy scene was somewhere in the middle of A Love Once New, since it took me a while to even approach the subject (it's fun to read and write, but I was nervous that my writing skills weren't good enough and it would come off as cringey)

🖌️ - First character you created, or first character you wrote for

I've created so many characters and haven't even begun to share them all, and most of them have gone through so many revisions and rewrites that I'm not entirely sure who was really the "first one" to begin with. I will say that I remember attempting to start a novel about a pair of twins called Flora and Fauna when I was like 11 years old, plus some characters that predate even that, but the first character I created that still exists today is Mira Hart.

🪢 - First time writing a crossover or gift fic

Hm... I think it was writing Lucky for @can-of-pringles. It was not only my first time writing for Good Omens, but also my first time writing for OCs that weren't my own, and it was a lot of fun! Now, as you know, I do enjoy taking temporary custody of my friends' OCs for the sake of a gift fic here and there, but at the time I was so nervous I was going to get the characters wrong XD

[dailybbq]

HI WOW I LOVE UR ART

if possible can u drop some of ur qtaro hc's? its rare to meet another qtaro enjoyer !! :D

THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!! i'm always so happy to find others who enjoy him - it's been a little easier since 3-1 now that other people actually consider him :'P!! & yes of course! i have many, but i think (since it is a 'general' prompt), i will leave it to the basic headcanons on his backstory/character for now :]

DAY 2: WHO IS HE?!

- Ethnically Puerto-Rican & Scottish-Japanese! He's fluent in Japanese, Spanish, and English (less so, he's uncertain about some pronunciations and prefers writing it out instead of speaking it) - where he grew up has certainly affected the sort of intense emphasis/descriptive language he uses in Japanese, but Spanish has also affected the style in which he speaks :D + he also really enjoys learning about other cultures (and reconnecting with his own!) through language & conversing with the people there. It's much more interesting and personal than simply... reading research other people have gathered on them.

- Transmasc non-binary; primarily uses he/him in English, él/lo in Spanish! He also finds neopronouns fun. Though he doesn't elect to use them for himself, he doesn't mind if others do!!

- Bisexual & polyamorous also :] I have a small (often not too relevant, other than me providing further context to all of those Q-taro's had to leave behind for the Death Game) headcanon that he has a boyfriend named Yusuke (友輔) who he met in high school! Yusuke's also struggled academically, to the point that he fell a year behind Q-taro — having to make-up the credits for that extra year before he could finally graduate. Soon after, when he was able to make it through his undergraduate degree, they celebrated together... and through an drunk accident, Q-taro severely injured himself. This is the incident shown in-game, and it's what plays into his struggles of realizing how much he's seemingly 'left behind' and how stagnant his life feels while Yusuke continues school, the kids at the orphanage are growing up, the team's already figured out a strategy to make up for his absence... but, well. I digress.

- Q-taro really loves taking photos of his day-to-day. Even if he's not often the one in the pictures, he loves getting to see his friends smiling at some stupid joke he made behind the camera, or taking more subtle pictures when they're casually hanging out and laughing — not purposefully smiling for the camera or anything... it feels far more genuine.

...Hence, his 'treasure' in the prize exchange is a camera the kids got for him on his birthday one year. Photos of his life before the Death Game are still in the cartridge — even the one he took of Yusuke moments before he was hospitalized and isolated from everyone he cared for. Asunaro grants him this to serve both as a reminder of his loved ones waiting for him, and of how devastated he was when he was injured and felt as if his life was passing him by. In this 'Game', his life will be stolen — and Q-taro still has a life he wants to live... he has to live...

- In any case... I also think he has a chronic limp from (physical) bullying he endured when he was younger (he never really tried to fight back, and they went harder on him because he was dark-skinned + a large kid, they assumed he could take more of a beating). He healed up well enough, and it doesn't impair his skill on the field at all, but it is noticeable when you notice him casually walking. When Asunaro replaced his limbs upon request, they still had to implement some weakness in it such that he wouldn't question or overcompensate for the limp he's always had. (& adjacently related, but I do delve more into a pre-/no-Death Game AU reference here if you're interested!)

- Additionally, I do believe he's coded in-game to have autism — whether or not it was as intentional as Gin's pre-established symptoms, it remains true in my mind... The ways in which he connects with Gin and Kai, his literal and blunt manner of addressing things (there are many instances, but particularly the start of 2-1 where he belatedly realizes that although he'd like to applaud Sara for being strong, he needs to instead focus on the fact she's still in a vulnerable place and try to support her that way... 'cause she is still a kid, even if she's trying to act like a leader right now. It's also why his later conversation with her quickly veers into the topic of 'casual life' — by way of distraction and finding comfort for her sake, because he knows Asunaro's pushing the participants' limits intentionally), the intense 'passion' he holds for many things... you must see my vision, yes...

With that, and the context of many other participants in-game canonically having schizo-spec disorders, I also headcanon him to have schizo-affective bipolar disorder. He foremost experiences auditory hallucinations, and occasionally has to double-check with those he cares for to make sure they weren't calling him, or that they didn't say something that his brain has latched onto and repeated (which, when not idly irritating, can be upsetting phrases that he internalizes). When he's experiencing manic episodes, he often goes days unable to sleep because he feels both physically and mentally restless — he'll often struggle to manage his frustration/sensory overload in his attempts to physically wear himself out (in the hopes it gets him to finally rest) & he tends to intensely focus on various inane hobbies he'll drop soon after the episode ends. This includes (but is not limited to): testing out pottery, collecting and sorting different washi tapes, researching and testing the differences in fungi, and baking (he normally just cooks; baking isn't his thing (although he loves pastries)). Q-taro also struggles immensely with articulating himself aloud (this also ties into the autism) when it comes to more lengthy or serious discussions. While he understands what he wishes to say, he can't often figure out a good way of getting it out — hence defaulting to physical touch and affection to reassure others.

- Speaking of his favored physical touch! I think he enjoys all forms of it, but ultimately prefers:

- Hugging (people are usually shorter than him, and he likes hugging them, then picking them up in the air and spinning him... though he's also fond of casual moments where he gets to lean down over someone's shoulder while they're busy and hug them like that) - Hands on one's face (when he's comforting a kid, he often holds their face to help them feel 'steady' & to make it easier to wipe away their tears (or, lets them lean into his shoulder to hide the tears), and will gently nudge their chin up when he's trying to inspire some confidence. he likes letting his loved ones close to his face, because he considers that a really vulnerable part of someone. (also... he thinks it's cute when Yusuke pinches his cheeks when he pretends to be scolding him.)) - Hand-holding!!! (it's nice, and as i've shown above... he likes being gentle with his loved ones. but, whether it's something silly like swinging their hands around, or holding their hand in public for comfort's sake, or simply something to help them ground themselves... he just enjoys knowing they're there.)

And... I think that is all I'm going to add for now!! I hope this suffices; thank you for reading through! Maybe next time I'll delve more into my hcs of how he interacts with some of the cast (or, perhaps simply draw that out :D)

[yourbuerokrat2]

Something your recent idea has made me think about: I am fascinated by the idea of love, trust and craving of affection coexisting with doubt, or possibly even knowledge that something is wrong, that the feelings aren’t really “yours”. Because while that knowledge is there and disturbing, the affection and “trust” is just as strong as before, so you just don’t make a love to oppose it. You don’t even have a reason like “I know the person only wants the best for me”, no. You just don’t have the ability to turn against this person, despite the knowledge that you should and would want to if you could want. But you can’t. Because this person has taken that ability from you and you know it. Yet you physically CANT feel upset about it. Maybe logically you know you do to some extent, but emotionally and instinctively you just cant. Now this definitely doesn’t fit the last Au, since Q there is still kind of respectful of such boundaries and plagued by guilt, but I feel like this would definitely fit a darker QCard interpretation.

Btw I’m sick right now, so my apologies if this is utterly incomprehensible

First of, I wish you well and hope it's nothing serious.

Ok, but this would fit a darker form of the dark prompt perfectly, where there was no attraction and no love or crush on Q in the firsts place and it was all just a fabrication/something made by Q.

And this would take a bit of a darker interpretation of Qs feelings for Picard as well since it is way less about caring for Picard as a person and doing what he thinks is best for both of them (since Picard in the first scenario did have feelings/attraction for Q and Q only made them stronger so Picard wouldn't be able to ignore them any longer) and way more about having him and Qs own happiness.

An interpretation where this could work would be in a verse, where Deja Q never happened and due to the jealousy about Picard flirting and being with Vash Q realizes his own feelings and what exactly he wants from Picard.

It would be strange at first, since I don't really think Q would be willing to see that he the great, perfect Q would fall for someone other than himself let alone a lower being.

But when Picard rejected him during Q Who, Q was angry at realizing that not only was his pride hurt but also his feelings.

He tried to ignore what exactly this could mean and instead distracted himself by enjoying 'the show'.

It's only when Picard tells him, that he needs him, that another feeling makes itself known. He really enjoyed hearing it. Sure, it was not entirely unprovoked that Picard said it, but somehow the thought of Jean-Luc Picard needing him made Q feel.. fulfilled in a way he didn't know before.

He goes away, trying to tell himself, that he has forced millions of others to say similar things to help them out, but he knows that nothing compared to this.

He floats around the universe and catches himself fantasizing about all the things that could have happened in the Shuttle Craft.

From time to time, he just stands outside and sometimes inside the Enterprise and watches Picard.

It should be boring. And, really, Q has so much better things to watch a starship captain go about his day.

So why does he feel a part of himself want to reach out? To just snap and let his newfound fascination know that he is there?

Why does it become harder and harder for him to leave someone, who doesn't even know he is there?

But it is when he spies once again on Picard (Q really has no excuse aside from his own obsession, but he still tries to justify it to a bored and amused Continuum that really didn't ask him about his whereabout and doings that it was all for the Trial) and sees Vash.

Once again, as he finds out, on the Enterprise. An old fling of Picard during his last vacation on Risa.

And a horrible (wonderful) realization hits Q as he watches previous interactions between Vash and Picard.

He wants to be in Vashs place. Q wants to be the one openly flirting with Picard and have him reciprocate.

Q wants to be the one able to kiss Picard. (A really strange thought, since to Q any bodily affection between organics was generally regarded by him as disgusting.)

And why shouldn't he?

After all, he could offer Picard so much more than whatever this woman could even dream of.

Coming to this conclusion, Q enters Picards office bringing him his offer.

Q thinks the comparison between himself and Picards more inferior options like Beverly Crusher and Vash would help his case.

Picard reaction is less than pleasant and if any other being human or otherwise would have dared to say what Picard said to him after Q reminded Picard that in the end Picard needs him, they would no longer exist.

But Q is not really angry, as he disappears as a reaction to Picard answer without a flash. He is hurt. Incredibly hurt.

And for once after a long, long time he feels worthless, simply because a simple, small, unimportant human seems to regard him as such.

Q grows angry with himself, for aeons he hasn't so much as cared about the other Qs and the universes opinion of him and a few words of a human are bringing him to this state where he is questioning himself?

He grows even more frustrated when he catches himself internally whining about Picard not wanting to have him when Q would do and give everything for him.

How dare Picard not want him?

How dare the universe show him something that would finally make him feel complete?

How dare the powers that be inflict such a want and obsession on him and make the object of it feel nothing for him return?

But, and here Q reassures himself, he is a Q. The Q. Since when has he ever cared about what the universe or 'the powers that be' thought and wanted?

The universe was his plaything and he could make it Picards plaything as well.

All that he would have to do is help his good captain realize the errors of his crude rejection.

An internal debate of which Q cared nothing about occured in the Continuum this precise moment as the other Qs realized just what Q was planning to do.

The faction that has grown weary of their own duties and what should and shouldn't be done won.

They hoped, that Qs obsession would prove to be at least mildly entertaining.

The want to make Picard fall head over heels for him was there. 

But no, Picard is an intelligent man. The perfect human and Qs perfect partner. He would be able to see the truth and be able to overcome his own feelings if it were done so suddenly after his rejection.

So Q decided to play the long game.

First, make Picard forget the horrible confrontation and especially Qs insistence that his life would be so much better if he chose Q.

Change it towards an offer of taking Picard to an ancient civilization.

Then, plant a bit of an attraction. Make Picards heart skip a bit as he addressed him from horse as the Sheriff of Nottingham.

Plant the question of how it could have been had he gone with Q just as Q and Vash left in his mind.

A few weeks later a dream of which he lets Picard wake up only to remember the pleasant things.

Q showed up again a few days later, telling him that Vash only used him to get to the riches and sell them later. He reassures Picard that Vash is doing fine and he once again lets Picard feel attraction towards him as he gets closer.

When Q appears the next time he hangs over Picards table and comes close enough that they can nearly kiss.

He gives Picard the want to just move forward and kiss him and for a short second Picard almost does till his human catches himself.

Q just smiles this time, knowing that in the end he would win anyway.

But Q is growing impatient with each person he so much as thinks is flirting with his captain and he ends up cutting the game short.

When the Enterprise next faces a great danger that seems impossible to escape (something which Q is mainly at fault for but none of them especially Picard need to know that little detail) Q makes a point to make a great entrance and save them.

It's a bit of a show meant to distract Picard from Q erasing all doubts he ever had about Q.

And when after that Q leaves only to later come back when Picard makes himself ready for bed, Picard asks him why he has done it.

As an answer, Q kisses him and in that moment he makes sure to make Picard fall in love with him.

----------------------------------------------------

When Picard wakes up the next morning only to remember that Q disappeared after their kiss, Picard finds himself actually missing Q.

But that couldn't be right could it?

The question of wether Q made him feel this way came up only to be shortly discarded afterwards.

Q would never do this. He has no justification why he thinks Q would never do this, but he is still (partly) confident in this.

When he is on the Bridge the memory of the kiss and his own feelings during and after it still haunt him.

Deanna asks him for a private talk afterwards and he can feel it on the tip of his tongue to say 'yes', but he ends up rejecting her offer.

He enters his office later only to discover it and all his rooms empty.

Picard is not sure why he is disappointed.

A part of him wants to tell Q to come back and explain himself. Another part just wants to ask Q to come back.

But (thankfully) his pride is too big for either of these things and he thinks that if Q decides to come than he will come.

---------------------------------------------

Q meanwhile is outside of the Enterprise. 

Waiting.

Something rather foreign to him, he has to admit.

But he feels it is worth it this time.

He wants Picard to tell him to come.

He wants Picard to invite him in.

And he knows that Picard will.

When the third and the fourth day come and even though he knows that he made Picard fall in love and he knows that he made Picard miss him, Picard still doesn't call for him Q doesn't know how to feel.

On one hand, he is frustrated. After all, here he is the great, unfathomable Q. Standing outside a space ship like dog waiting for its master to call him.

On the other hand, he feels it is another sign that in the end Picard is the perfect partner for him. After all, Q recognizes the pride and stubbornness in himself as well.

So, in the end Q decided that he was willing to once again be the first one to initate the next step into their relationship.

--------------------------------------

When Q comes back after a long, tiring mission, Picard can't help himself but actually give him a half-smile as he enters his office only for Q to sit in his chair.

Q stands up, greets him and once again kisses him.

A part of Picard, that quickly gets silenced, wants to push Q away and yell at him. Demand of him to stop whatever he is doing to Picard and leave.

Instead, Picard reciprocates the kiss and lets Q put his arms around him.

He smiles up at Q (why is he smiling? and at Q out of all people?) and puts his arms around his (Q is not his. He does not want Q to be his) godlike being.

"Took you long enough.", Picard says.

"Oh you know, mon capitaine, I just can't stay away from you for long."

And just as Picard is pleased to hear there also is an underlying feeling of dread.

Like something is very, very wrong here, but he just can't say what.

And even though during their later meetings, Q seems to treat him like the best thing that has ever happened to him, the feeling stays.

When Q takes him (without really asking him) to other planets, sights no human has and will ever see, he is amazed but under all the fascination and the warmth he feels as Q pulls him close there is a buried anger and a fear that this time Q will not bring him back to the Enterprise.

That Q will take this choice away from him as well.

It is a strange thought to Picard however, as he sitting on top of a hill watching a comet shower made just for him all the while Q holds him in a warm (possessive. too tight. there is nothing warm about any of this) hold.

And as years later, when he reaches out to kiss Q as an answer to the entities question (demand) if Picard would like to spend eternity with him, a silent part of him screams.

[blufox234isadumbname]

Las Nevadas and Poker Cards theory

/rp /dsmp (all of the mentioned people are characters of the Dream SMP. not the actual content creators)

---

So this began with a random thought floating in my head about the new characters introduced to the Las Nevadas lore in Episode 3. This sparked the reawakening of my obsession with cartomancy and the meanings behind playing cards. So subsequently, I decided to associate the new four characters to the four symbols of the playing card deck

For a brief intro to playing cards, the standard 52-card deck uses the French suit - which include the diamonds, hearts, clubs and spades. Each suit/symbol includes three face cards (King, Queen and Knave) and ten numbered cards (Ace of ... to Ten of ...) The suit of cards varied throughout history before the French suit became popularised. Most of the derived meanings of the card suits themselves have mostly been very much after the creation of the suits, but I still think their symbolism is still interesting to look back into. The changes to each suit along with each varying meaning will be highlighted in individual sections. So, let’s start with:

Foolish

For the first chapter, Quackity mocks Foolish of being inferior to the tempered god he used to be. Foolish in his current state is a pacifist, a normally non-violent character who doesn’t take the offence. To Quackity, that achieves nothing, backed up by how Foolish was killed off in a selfless act and could not fight back. Quackity mocks the temple Foolish built, saying it is merely an empty shell only made to look pretty. Like Foolish, it is only impressive on the outset, but when it comes to its use it does not serve a function. The magnificent temple is merely for show, like how Foolish appears as a god of undying yet still was able to lose a life. Quackity actively tries to paint a picture of that perception to Foolish, trying to convince Foolish that such a lifestyle has not been beneficial. What Quackity offers to Foolish is a chance to make a name for himself, by doing the opposite. Quackity wants Foolish to cause destruction instead of creation. He wants Foolish to be a cannon, to take the brunt of

Clubs in the French suit have been thought to represent peasants. They are the weaker members of the society, the ones without a legacy to leave behind unlike those higher above them. This is what Quackity view Foolish as, a mere peasant who does not leave his own mark even despite being a god. When it comes to tarot readings, the clubs are seen as the wands. This particular suit tends to refer to calls to action, associated with the element of fire. They represent both aspects of creation to build and cook, and of destruction. It is symbolic of passion, where one’s motivations lie within. Meanings behind the wands deal with one’s own consciousness, what one’s own ambitions, what makes a person create action. It’s also interesting to see that Foolish in the past, brought destruction to a town with lava. So with this suit, Foolish is seen to need to take more offensive action. He needs to take the chance with Las Nevadas to create that action, to create destruction as he did before. To become more than the lowly being he is now.

Charlie

This one is trickier to pinpoint what suit he is since this is the first and currently only time we’ve seen him in the lore. In the time he was introduced, we can still deduce something about his story in the Las Nevadas arc. For instance, his role in Las Nevadas is being a mole for Quackity. Like a more goopy Hercules Mulligan, he can acquire intel and slink out with ease. He is a shapeshifter technically, able to mimic anything. The only seen problem he has is his unawareness of the world around him, basically akin to a child experiencing the world for the first time.

So I associate Charlie with the Spades, the commonly associated symbol for nobility. To Quackity, Charlie is not someone too hard to influence while at the same time may seem to have influence with the knowledge he holds. In past iterations of the spade, it was a sword. Even in Italian, the swords suit was referred to as a spade before it became the symbol. Charlie is the secret weapon with the intel he holds. Charlie is the most important to Quackity, the one who holds the most value above all the other candidates. Unlike the others, Quackity doesn’t berate or deliberately ruin what Charlie has, mostly because he has nothing to begin with. Instead, he is praised and gifted a home, like how nobility, when they are born, are simply gifted their titles. As the swords suit in tarot, spades represents aspects of thinking and communication. From his spy job, Charlie might open his eyes to a complicated world in a childlike manner. He’ll learn slowly but surely, whilst slowly having his perceptions being altered by Quackity. He already has shown doing this by lying to Charlie about snow. It is Q’s goal to coerce the easily swayable Charlie to blindly follow him akin to a child following a parent

Purpled

A mercenary after wealth, Purpled is being offered to join Las Nevadas in exchange for money. It is shown he is competent at sticking to what he believes in, but he does still follow the money mostly. However, Purpled is after more than just simple jobs to accrue wealth, which is what Quackity baits him with. He blows up the only thing that gave Purpled a name in the Dream SMP and offers him much more than the original incentive from the Red Banquet job. With the UFO gone, Purpled is given a choice to go big or go home, the final decision still unknown by the end of Purpled’s chapter. It’s interesting to see Quackity’s approach with Purpled, he’s much more confrontational with him than the others. Where Foolish was just insulted and Charlie merely being strung along, here Q deliberately makes a statement with TNT and a weapon. This might have to do with how Purpled is to be hired as a mercenary again, the man to depend on to take out a target. The only difference is the massive gain and utmost loyalty to Las Nevadas

Purpled is the suits of Diamonds. This suit has been thought to be associated with the merchants, the ones who gain most from sales of goods and services. To Quackity, he just has to convince Purpled with money beyond his wildest dreams. It’s quite important to note that Diamonds used to be bells in German suits, more specifically hawk-bells. These bells were used for falconry in medieval Europe, to denote a bird’s location and status. This is like what Quackity wants to do with Purpled, to keep the hunter under his guidance and not have his loyalties lie elsewhere. Diamonds in the tarot is seen as the suit of pentacles, concerning everything material and worldly. Pentacles often do not just concern financial matters but anything of security and practicality. It is all about what is realistic, for Purpled that is what he can own. Quackity knows that, he knows to bait the mercenary with money and to gamble with it.

Fundy

This one is a fun one to cover since this chapter is solely from Fundy’s point of view. Not once does it shift to Quackity and what he sees. Only Fundy and his nightmare. In the dream, Fundy wakes up in the middle of a red desert. It’s been said before, but being in a desert represents loneliness and disconnect. He is isolated and alone at first, except for Quackity. When he brought to the memories of L��manburg and its iterations, he views it all in awe. This contrasts with how he reacted before to the caravan, with anger and panic. In the dream with Quackity, he happily remembers the times of the past with Quackity, even if they were the most tragic times of L’Manburg’s history. The most notable thing about Quackity in the dream is the fact that he constantly makes Fundy feel noticed, make Fundy feel known and present. Fundy is not invalidated for his involvement in L’Manburg’s history. For once, Fundy feels happy. So when it twists around in Eret’s tower, a reminder of countless wars, the scene shifts to have Quackity in control. Fundy is told he does not matter all over again, told he will be as forgotten as L’Manburg’s history.

Fundy is the suit of Hearts, the suit associated with the clergy. This refers to someone with religious duties or more generally concerning what a person holds within their heart. This person is only important due to the group they associate with, similar to Quackity saying Fundy does nto matter until eh chooses to join with him. Besides just solely the card suits, the Heart tends to represent feelings and relationships. The latter part is an integral part of Fundy’s story, how his relationships with others always tend to fall apart. Feelings are important to Fundy too since he’s only attached to many things because of those feelings. He almost gains nothing but emotional support. And really, that’s is just always been something Fundy has been after – someone to depend on. And so, Fundy is swayed by the promise of a stable relationship with others, something that his dream pre-empted to be used by Quackity. Hearts in the tarot is seen as the Cups or Chalice, which represents everything of emotions as well. More interestingly, the suit of Cups deals with the unconscious too, even dreams. Pretty matching.

 So what does it exactly mean for these connections with the poker cards? Well, to use the cards is to play the game of gambling, the game of poker. And that is what Quackity sees these people as, tools to use to win the game. He’s collecting these cards to gain a winning hand. It’s also evident that he’s pushing these cards to gamble as well. He cuts off all attachments they have and force their hand to take a risk. Foolish has to risk being destructive again. Charlie risks confiding with an untrustworthy friend. Purpled risks losing actual money. Fundy risks losing mental stability all over again. It’s all about taking a risk, something that Quackity is taking advantage of to win. The perception of the cards all come down to how Quackity sees what to string all of these people along to join his cause. In the end, Quackity only cares about what benefit it will bring to Las Nevadas, instead of giving sure promises of such high rewards for tagging along. With the parallels between how Quackity views the members to how Dream views others, it’s fun to see how Quackity sees more and more of this project as a game of chance he’s willing to take. So how will the game play out for all these cards? Only fates can tell.

[storydays]

Legend of Korra X Male Reader

Hey guys! I’m loving all the likes you’re giving. I want to hear more of your questions and comments. Also I would really appreciate it if you would tag me and give me credit when you reblog my work. Thanks

(All credit for Legend of Korra goes to Nickelodeon and it’s creators ❤️)

Season 1, ep 5, p2

Kazan and Meelo yawned sleepily, full from dinner. "That was really good, (Y/N)." Pema complimented, rubbing her belly happily. "Glad you liked it Auntie." You then turned to your Aunt Rene who was sulking in the corner with a smug grin. "So, Auntie, thoughts?" you teased, making her start. "Listen little boy! Don't you dare give me attitude just because you're a better cook than me!" Everyone laughed at the banter between you two. "It's late, and the children are sleepy, why don't you guys sleep here for the night? Nagisa can sleep with Jinora and Ikki, and Kazan can bunk with Meelo." Pema suggested. 

"Yay! Sleepover!" cheered Ikki and Nagisa much to Jinora's annoyance. "Here, I'll help but the boys to sleep, Uncle."He smiled appreciatively at you, grabbing Meelo while you carried Kazan. "You did good tonight, nephew." Tenzin said, leading the way to the boys' room. "You heard from the radio?" you tilted your head, adjusting your grip on the young firebender. "No, I saw from the corner. You really are your parent's son."

You stared at his back in shock before smiling. "Heh, thanks Uncle."

*That night*

You inhaled the fresh air as you and Nevermore walked to the arena to get ready. But stop seeing Mako and Korra each facing different ways, and leaned against a pole, out of their sight line. "What kind of game are you playing?" asked the Firebender. "Um, pro-bending? We have a quarter final match." Korra stated like it was the most obvious thing. "No, I mean with Bolin. You got him all in a tizzy, and I know you're only using him to get back at me." Mako accused. 'Ooh bad move, Mako.'

"I am not. We're just having fun. What do you care, anyway?" Korra defended. "I'm looking out for my little brother. I don't want to see his heart get broken." 'That is such bull.' you laughed silently. Korra knew it was too, "Wait a second. You're not worried about him; you're jealous," Korra was smirking and you were too. "You do have feelings for me." Mako didn't miss a beat. "What? Jealous? Don't be ridiculous." 

"Admit it, you like me." Korra didn't realize she was playing with fire, quite literally. "No, I'm with Asami." "Yeah, but when you're with her, you're thinking about me, aren't you?" The Avatar sounded so smug right now, and you were silently rooting for her. "Get over yourself." Mako snapped. "I'm just being honest!" "You're crazy!" Mako denied. "You're a liar!" cried Korra.

That was when you decided to step in. You splashed the two with water you kept in your pocket, and sent your teammates a raised eye brow. "If you two hot heads are done, we do have a match to go to." You then walked away, your pony tail swinging behind you. You stopped the two from entering the room and to keep Bolin from getting him involved. 

"Listen you two, don't bring this energy around Bolin. And while you are out on that ring, keep your personal feelings out of it. We've come too far for you two to mess it up. Am I clear?" The younger teens looked at each other and sighed, when Nevermore snapped her jaws for good measure. "Yes, sir." "Good, I'll be here when the match is over." You walked in and over to the railing, waiting for the match to start. 

*15 minutes later*

"Eight teams have been eliminated, and eight advance into the quarter finals, which get underway tonight. The rookies are about to take on the former and longest running champs--the Boar-Q-Pines. Youth clashes with experience in a battle for the ages or rather of the ages. Korra dodges and--ooh slams right into her teammate! Down goes Mako, and Bolin and Korra." You face palm and growled as the second announcer said, "Round One goes to the Boar-Q-Pines." 

Your (e/c) eyes narrow, noting Mako was saying something to Korra in a very aggressive way. Poor Bolin looked so confused. The waterbender part of you wanted to switch out with Korra, but the airbender part of you, reminded your that this was how Korra and Mako were going to make up. Nevermore nuzzled your cheek making you chuckle and rub her head. "Thanks, girl."

"The Ferrets looking to mount some offense here in round 2. Bolin lets fly a flurry of attacks. He's a one man bending battalion." "Yes! Way to go, Bolin!" You cheered for the Earthbender. "The Ferrets having a tough time finding their rhythm tonight. But thanks to Bolin, they narrowly notch round two." 

Round 3 started and at this point the crowd noticed their was something wrong as well. "Not sure, what's eatin' them, but this is not the same team that took out the Rabbaroos." You winced in sympathy as the Avatar took Earth disk to the stomach. "Round 3 is a tie. We go to a tie breaker to decide the match." A referee tossed a blue and red coin into the air, and caught it, covering it up. 

He moved his hand to reveal the red side. "The Fire Ferrets win the coin toss. Which element do you choose?" Immediately the three tried to decide who would go to fight, until Bolin stepped up with the older Earthbender. "Looks like the Earthbenders will collide in the tie breaker face off. Bolin goes in for the grapple, Chang reverses." You grit your teeth as Bolin was flung into the air but cheered when he fired from mid air. 

"Bolin strikes from mid air, knocking Chang to the edge of the circle, and another strike from Bolin, knocking Chang into the drink!" "The Future Industries Fire Ferrets win their quarter final match!" You, Mako, and Korra sighed in relief as the announce continued talking. "Ooh, close one folks, youth trumps experience tonight." 

You met the trio at the edge and grinned at Bolin. "Good job, Bo! You were awesome out there!" You watched as Korra and Mako went their separate ways. You sighed, and walked over to Mako and whispered in his ear, "You better get your act right, Mako. You maybe my best friend, but I won't hesitate to kick your ass." He looked at you with wide eyes, knowing you were dead serious. "Hey, (Y/N), come with me! I need your help!" Bolin dragged you out the room, making you laugh. 

*Time skip*

You and Bolin walked up to where Korra could be hiding and you stopped seeing Korra and Mako kissing. 'Are they kidding me?!' "Wait, Bo, don't--" 

You were too late, as he stopped seeing the scene in front of you. You hid half your face in your hand, Nevermore trying to hide her head in your hair. It was silent until Bolin started crying and ran away. "Wait, Bolin, this isn't what you think!" He turned to Korra with a glare on his face. "Great! Look what you did." "You're blaming me?" demanded Korra. 

"You kissed me!" "You kissed me back!" Both gasped being splashed with freezing cold water, and turned to you. Nevermore's teeth were drawn back into a snarl, and you had a dangerous look on your face. "It doesn't matter. You are both at fault! Now what matters is how the hell you are going to fix it." You and Nevermore growled as Mako groaned and ran after his brother. You turned to the city view and didn't even look at the Water Tribe girl.

"Korra, I know you've been isolated all your life, and you probably thought you would get your happily ever after with Mako. But there's so many fish in the sea for you to explore with. Don't settle for the small fry." "Well played, Korra." she said, hugging herself. "Live and learn, Korra." you sighed, "Live and learn."

*The next morning.*

You followed Mako into the restaurant.  "Morning, Narook. Is my brother here?" The man behind the counter gestured behind you guys, and Mako waved in thanks. "Thanks." He walked over to Bolin and shook his shoulder. "Come on, wake up. I'm taking you home, bro." That cause Bolin to sniff and look up sadly. 

"Don't call me that. You're not my brother!" He drunkenly slapped Mako's hands away from him. "You're a brother-betrayer." He sobbed into his arms. "The only ones I can trust: are Pabu and (Y/N)! They love me!" "You're a mess, and we've got the biggest of our lives tonight. Let's go." Mako tried grabbing Bolin who screamed at him. "No! I'm not going anywhere with you traitor!" You sighed, pushing Mako and grinning at Bolin. 

"Come on, Bo. I need my favorite Earthbender to fight with me tonight!" He finally got up with his arm slung over your shoulder. "Only you Bolin, can drunk off Water Tribe Noodles." You laugh gently. "I told you dating a teammate was a bad idea." Mako sighed. "You're a bad idea!" You laugh at their antics, even if you were pissed at Mako. 

*That night* 

You finished braiding your hair so it hung down your back, and out of your face, as Korra walked into the room. She looked at Bolin slouching on a bench,and noticed you over at the mirror. You were lost in thought, but it was clear something was bothering you. You suddenly snapped out of it and stood up, putting your helmet on. "Let's go guys. And leave your personal feelings here." 

"You can't find a team more evenly matched. In age, size, and strength than the Fire Ferrets and the Buzzard Wasps. Believe me, I looked." he joked. "This should be a pulse-pounding semi-final, folks." The bell rang and the Buzzards fought first. "The Buzzard-Wasps open with a flawlessly executed combo. 2 of the Ferrets take an early visit to Zone 2, and Mako's knocked all the way back into Zone 3! The Ferrets have been struggling to stay alive since the opening bell. It seems Bolin and Mako are out of sync tonight. (Y/N) taking the brunt of the impact from the front lines." 

The crowd groaned with Bolin as he was hit in the gut, hard. "Ooh, that has got to sting." You heard retching and groaned, knowing it was Bolin. "And Bolin looses his noodles, literally." All the players seem to have froze with that disgusting scene. "Which reminds me, this match is brought to you by our sponsor, Flamey-O-Instant Noodles. 'Noodlest- Noodles in the United Republic.' " Soon Bolin was knocked back into Zone 3 with Mako, leaving you to get defend from Zone 1. 

You were suddenly knocked into Zone 3 by an Earth disk, while avoiding a flame burst. "The Buzzard Wasps fly deeper into Ferret Territory. And Mako plunges into the pool. Can the Fire Ferrets hold on?" You and Bolin looked at each other and continued to fight with all you got. "The Ferrets are backed to the edge now, and are saved by the bell! They had better pull themselves together, folks, for round two. Otherwise they can kiss their finals goodbye. "

"Round 2!"  You used water in a arch to knock two of the Buzzards back into Zone 2. "Oh, what a strong start from (Y/N)!" Mako groaned being knocked into Zone 2, and sent fire towards them, hitting Bolin in the process. He cried out, and turned onto his back to glare at Mako. "Hey, watch it!" He gasped being knocked into the water, from his distraction. "The Wasps take advantage of Mako's unforced error, and move forward." 

You and Mako spun your elements together and knocked the opposing  Water and Earth benders out and into the drink giving the round to you guys. Round 3 came and you looked between the boys. "Look, we've been working for a long time for this. Get your heads in the game guys. Please." You begged slightly; they knew what this tournament meant to you. "Let's get this over with." Mako sighed.

When the match started, Mako was already in the drink, and Bolin's shoulder was messed up,and then he was in the drink. "The Ferret's dream of making it to the finals rests on Councilman (Y/N)'s shoulders." You smirked to yourself, used your waterbending to get the team into a line of three, and knocked them down like dominoes. "It's the big kaboosh! What a knockout!" 

The crowd went wild and you could hear Mako and Bolin cheering for you.  "It didn't seem possible folks, but the Fire Ferrets are headed to the finals." You laughed, waving to the crowd, before walking away. You took your helmet off and groaned when Korra gave you a big hug. "Korra! Korra! I need my....lungs...to breathe." "Oh! Sorry!" she sheepishly let you go. "Sometimes, I forget about my own strength." You sent her a lopsided smile, "It's okay, Korra." Bolin and Mako walked up to you. 

"That was pretty much the coolest thing I've ever seen." "Thanks for not giving up on us; we never would've made this far without your level head. We owe you big time." You rolled your eyes, walking past them, taking your helmet off. The three looked at each other, uncertain. "(Y/N)--" "Look, I know things are confusing between the three of you, but this team means everything to me, and the last thing I need is for some petty love triangle is to mess it up." 

Your sudden attitude caught the other's off guard; you were usually so carefree and cool. You got ready to leave the room when your ex walked in, making a scene. "Ooh, ooh, you boys smell something in here?" Tahno pinched his nose before smirking. "Oh, wait I know what that is. Yeah, it's the scent of losers." "I hope we see you in the finals. Then we'll see who the real losers really are." Korra said back. 

"Yeah, I'm peeing my pants over here." Tahno said confidently before turning to you, with a very faint blush on his cheeks. "I'll win this match for you, (Y/N). Maybe we can go out to that Water Tribe restaurant you like so much." You turned to him with a bored look and said, "Gag me. We are not together anymore, Tahno, I just can't trust you." You brushed your bangs into your face and left without another word. 

You ran into Asami in the hallway. "Oh, hey Asami." she hugged you and took a step back, noting your mood. "Great job! What a comeback! I--Hey...what's the matter?" she asked, green eyes shining earnestly. "Nothing, why don't you go see you boyfriend." You began to walk away when she grabbed your arm. 

"Hey, you don't need to be strong around me, (Y/N), you've been there for me when I needed it. You can talk to me--" "No! I can't talk to anyone and especially not you because on of my main problems is I'm in love with you, and I just think you're wrong for Mako because he and Korra kissed and they belong together and I--" Asami cut you off by hugging you tightly, your arms tight around her waist. "(Y/N), I-I didn't know you felt that way." You took her hand in yours and kissed the top of it, locking eyes with her. 

"Asami..." you left it at that and walked away, leaving her to her thoughts. 

You ran to where you hid Neo, and hugged him with all your might, begging your tears not to fall, and while the polar bear dog didn't know what caused your pain, he simply nudged you with as much warmth as possible.  You took such good care of him, it hurt him to see you so upset.

You sniffed, and looked into Neo's blue eyes with a watery smile. 

"Let's go home, boy."

[taww]

Review: Furutech DSS-4.1 Speaker Cable & DPS-4.1 Power Cord

Furutech DSS-4.1 Speaker Cable & DPS-4.1 Power Cord

The Audiophile Weekend Warrior (TAWW)

TAWW Rating: 5 / 5

Attainable ultra-high-end performance.

PROS: Incredibly quiet, transparent and open-sounding; powerful and resolving frequency extremes; pure and organic midrange; fast and unfettered dynamics; remarkable sense of space.

CONS: Only sold in parts form, so you'll need to figure out termination; power cord can put some strain on jacks.

My first couple decades as an audiophile were relatively frugal. I bought a pair of used Merlin TSM speakers out of college that I used for 16 years. I rolled my own DIY speaker wire and bought $400 Sony and Onkyo CD players that I modified. My amplifier was a defective review sample that I repaired and got for pennies on the dollar. But after years of self-restraint, I started to slide down the slippery slopes of system upgrades. It started innocently enough with some used pieces... an Ayre integrated here, a Cambridge Audio streamer there... then came DAC upgrades, followed by nicer amplifiers, which naturally necessitated a better preamp. But things really took a turn for the crazy last year (I blame pandemic cabin fever) when speakers were upgraded to Audiovector SR 6 Avantgarde Arreté, which then led to the Gryphon Essence preamp and amp. Along the way I picked up the excellent Audience Au24 SX cables which, combined with Audience powerChord SEi's and a hodgepodge of other wire from Cardas, DH Labs and Mogami, have held me over. But with the system now scaling new heights of resolution and realism, the cable upgrade itch needed scratching... which leads us to the Furutech DSS-4.1 speaker cables ($395/m bulk; $3,138 as tested) and DPS-4.1 power cord ($480/m bulk; $1,458 as tested). While that might seem pricey for wire, they’re positioned to deliver the kind of ultra high-end performance associated with far more extravagant products. Could they deliver on that promise in the new TAWW reference rig?

DIY Ultra High-end??

Furutech is a Japanese cable and accessory manufacturer known for their fanatical attention to material and construction quality. Their AC power components are particularly acclaimed, and the distinctive NCF-series AC plugs and outlets can be found on the finished products of many other high-end marques. Similar to how manufacturers like Dynaudio used to sell raw drivers to other manufacturers while also building complete loudspeakers, Furutech seems perfectly content with anyone in the industry using their parts while they also sell finished products. The enterprising audiophile looking to construct or upgrade their own gear can find Furutech components readily available for purchase, though be warned - there are apparently a large number of knock-offs being peddled as genuine Furutech on eBay and other online marketplaces, so you'll want to stick to an authorized distributor. Fortunately for us in the States, we can turn to reputable online stores such as Music Direct, The Cable Company, Douglas Connection or any number of authorized dealers. The very friendly Scot Markwell of Elite A/V Distribution, Furutech's US distributor, provided the units under review here.

The DSS-4.1 speaker and DPS-4.1 and power cable represent the very highest-end Furutech wire you can buy in bulk - anything fancier requires factory termination. The two are effectively the same cable design, with the DPS version adding the requisite third conductor for grounding. I got a heads up to the remarkable properties of the power cord from my late friend Marty DeWulf a couple years back. Marty had been quietly consulting with an electrical engineer specializing in high-voltage power line transmission to construct his own power cords from scratch, and had reached a point where he felt his DIY concoctions outperformed the dozens of pricey high-end cords he had tried over the years. Marty sent me a number of development prototypes and I can attest that the cord was indeed superb and elevated the performance of most every amp I had at my disposal. Marty was feeling pretty happy with his effort until Scot @ Elite AV sent him some Furutech samples to try out, including the DPS-4.1. Sure enough, the DPS-4.1 performed at a different level from anything else Marty had tried before, including his own creations, and recalibrated his expectations for power cords - it was that good.

I later picked up the DPS-4.1 cable myself, along with the Furutech e-TP80 power distributor he praised, and confirmed their high level of performance. My appetite was whetted and I got in touch with Scot about kitting out the new reference rig with Furutech speaker and power wire throughout. This includes DPS-4.1 power cords on everything save the DAC, a GTO-D2R power distributor (review forthcoming) and DSS-4.1 speaker cables. All my samples were terminated with Furutech’s top-shelf rhodium-plated connectors - NCF plugs on the power cords, locking bananas and spades on the speaker cable. For the Gryphon Essence power amp, I had a 1.5m DPS-4.1 power cable made with 20A connectors. Since the Audiovector SR 6 speakers have tri-wire terminals, Scot also provided bare-wire jumpers made from the same PCOCC copper employed in the finished cables.

Using Furutech's PCOCC wire as tri-wire jumpers

Buying the Furutech parts and assembling the cables oneself can yield a considerable savings vs. finished cables, and most enterprising DIY'ers should be able to manage the job. However proper termination is critical to performance and safety, especially for the power cord, so if you're in any doubt, ask a dealer such as Douglas Connection to terminate them for you. Excluding any such labor, the retail cost of my 2.5m set of DSS-4.1 speaker cables with CF-202 bananas and FP-201 spades is $3,138. The 1.5m DPS-4.1 power cable with the FI-50/50M NCF plugs runs $1,458. High-end prices to be sure, but as you'll see below, I'd have no hesitation using these in systems that many would kit with far more costly wire.

The massive IEC connector is gorgeous and fits surely, but will put some stress on your jacks

Handling-wise, I'd call both on the lighter end of "garden hose," neither supple nor particularly stiff. At 19mm (0.75") thick for the speaker cable and 17mm (0.67") for the power cord, they're substantial but manageable. They'll bend easily enough into gentle curves, but the power cord will put strain on the chunky plugs if not given a good amount of clearance so don't expect to cram it into tight spaces. The speaker cable comes with an attractive woven sheath; the power cord has a purple PVC jacket, but my cables were clad in a silver Techflex sleeve for a more finished look. Both have 11AWG conductors which should allow for plenty of current flow in a typical run, and the speaker cable's capacitance is rated at 51.7pF/m (15.6pF/ft) @ 1kHz. This is an exceptionally low figure - for comparison, Kimber Kable 8TC is rated at 346pF/m, while Cardas Clear is a whopping 912pF/m - nearly 18x the Furutech! The tradeoff is a higher inductance of 0.7µH/m, but at typical lengths the effect of this should be benign.

Furutech DSS-4.1 Speaker Cable

Before we begin: since it’s impossible to say what any one component sounds like in isolation, I made most of my comparisons of the Furutech DSS-4.1 to my current reference cable, the excellent Audience Au24 SX ($3,300/2m pair). I also had Cardas Clear Light, DH Labs Q-10 Signature and a few other things on hand, but given that the Audience is the best of what I had available and is closest in price to the Furutech, most of my comments are relative to the Audience.

The best way I can describe the sound of the Furutech cable is "wide open." Compared to other cables I've had at my disposal, swapping in the Furutech sounds equivalent to the visual effect of renovating your living room from normal-sized windows to floor-to-ceiling glass. Suddenly everything feels more open, airy and illuminated. Notice that I didn't say "brighter - there’s a difference. The Furutech allows more sonic light to pass into your listening room, so when the music is brilliant and luminous, your room is suitably illuminated. But once the sun sets, that wall of glass becomes as pitch black as the night sky - and so the Furutech can be quiet and dark when called for.

In less fanciful terms, the Furutech gives the feeling of extremely wide bandwidth with no attenuation of energy or dynamics across the frequency spectrum, particularly at the extreme highs and lows. This helps it unlock more of the capability of my recent system upgrades - the top-to-bottom dynamics of the Audiovector speakers and ultra-wide-bandwidth of the Gryphon separates. In the lower frequencies the Furutech is a big step up in bass energy and resolution, transmitting more of a recording's energy and tone in the bottom three octaves. Note that this is different from having “big” or “warm” bass - similar to my illumination vs. brightness comment above, those denote colorations that constantly tilt the perceived spectral balance in a certain direction. There is no lower frequency hump or resonance here that could sound favorable on first listen but get a little monotonous in the long run. The Furutech simply allows what’s present in the signal to be transmitted more unimpeded than I have heard before in my system. This gives music tremendous “surprise” factor - it can go from ethereal to thunderous in a heartbeat. And this applies not just when used on the big Audiovectors; it's also a quality I heard on a scaled-back system with the Silverline SR17 Supreme 2-way monitors.

The top end has a similar level of transparency and dynamism, revealing all sorts of harmonics and textures as well as the air and ambience of the venue with striking transparency. Triangle, cymbals, trumpet, violin, and harpsichord are a few examples of instruments with complex high-frequency structure that sound exceptionally realistic via the DSS-4.1. At first, I felt the treble of the Furutech was a bit coarser vs. the Audience, which I have always found to be notably smooth and natural. I initially ascribed this to break-in, and gave the wire a couple hundred hours with a 4 ohm dummy load to try to burn it off. It improved, but it still had a bit of lingering grain. With time, two things became apparent: this cable takes a REALLY long time to break in - things kept getting smoother and smoother over the next couple hundred hours - and the Furutech simply refuses to cover anything up. Once I made the substantial upgrade to the Gryphon Essence combo I realized that grain was mostly endemic to my previous components, which were no slouches themselves - we’re talking all Class A discrete electronics from Pass Labs and Valvet. That just shows you the level of resolution the Furutech brings into play.

Once integrated into a system of even higher caliber, the Furutech sounded close to invisible, with great openness, clarity and detail from top to bottom and little discernible artifact. That said, at some points I did adjust the top end a bit by moving the Furutech's connection to the Audiovector speakers from the tweeter terminal to the midrange terminal. When connected to the tweeter terminal as per Audiovector recommendation (and my standard practice with other cables), things could get a hair bright, and some of the aforementioned coarseness would pop up now and again. Again, the Furutech was just telling it like it was, because later after further improvements to the system (a dedicated 20A power line, IsoAcoustics Gaia feet, breaking in the latest firmware on the PS Audio DAC), the top end sweetened and I was able to return the cables to the tweeter terminal for best transparency. In my system's current state, the Furutech brings out a top end that's wonderfully sweet, extended and natural.

A few other standout aspects bear mentioning. One is the sheer size of the soundstage, both in width and depth. I'm not sure exactly how components that have no effect on actual channel separation can affect the perceived width of the stage so much. Maybe it's a phase thing, maybe it's low level resolution that helps with ambient retrieval, maybe it's dynamic capability to bring out instruments that tend to be at the edges of the stage... whatever it is, the Furutech is able to convey a stage of substantial depth, width and dynamism. Another standout is the Furutech’s ability to convey dynamic contrasts. This is a quiet and fast cable that responds adroitly to the most minute changes in dynamic character, conveying both the undulations of a quiet melody and the surge of an orchestral climax with great color and intensity. Finally, the midrange is wonderfully dense, pure and harmonically complete, with great solidity in the lower range. Unlike many audiophile cables that provide lots of detail and speed at the expense of fullness or balance, the Furutech can better most comers in the "hifi" aspects while bringing out all the natural warmth of a great acoustic recording. Baritones, grand pianos, french horns and celli have never sounded better.

By comparison, the Audience Au24 SX is still a wonderful if more midrange-centric cable. Its slightly laid-back perspective and silkier treble are appealing for a variety of systems, particularly those on the forward side of neutral. There's a roundness and sweetness to the midrange, but at the expense of sounding a hair more congealed, bunching instruments together on a narrower stage. It also isn’t quite as responsive to quick and subtle dynamic contrasts, and the top end isn't as realistic and extended. Prior to hearing the Furutech the Audience was actually one of the best cables I had heard in many of these regards, so we're already talking about a very high level of performance here. And compared to something like the Cardas Clear Light, the Furutech was far more resolving while having a warmer, purer midrange and a sweeter treble.

The DSS-4.1 is an exceptionally transparent, balanced and complete speaker cable that can bring greater levels of realism and naturalness to a commensurate system. It delivers the type of detail and energy one would expect from an ultra high-end wire, but in an honest and unforced manner that draws one to the qualities of the source material and music without distraction. The net musical result is music has wider variation in color, texture, nuance and ultimately emotional impact - or as another reviewer put it, "expressiveness is their strong point."

Furutech DPS-4.1 Power Cord

Remarkably (or perhaps not?), virtually all the qualities that the DSS-4.1 exhibits as a speaker cable also shine through with the DPS-4.1 as a power cord. My longstanding reference is also an Audience cable - the moderately priced powerChord SE-i ($930/6 ft). It’s an incredibly consistent performer that imparts greater body, dynamics and life to most any component vs. a stock cord, not to mention a good number of aftermarket ones.

Compared to the Audience powerChord, again, the Furutech felt wide-open, more transparent and better balanced. The powerChord was a bit meatier in the mid bass and slightly sweeter on the top end - certainly more forgiving, but a little filtered compared to the Furutech. The Furutech also had a much wider and better-spaced soundstage; I won't say "twice as wide and 3x as deep" or anything with such false precision, but it certainly felt significantly bigger, with a lot more air between instruments and a stage that consistently spread beyond the width of the speakers. On pop mixes, this exhibited as stereo reverb and hard-panned effects that popped much more distinctly. Compared to the Audience and anything else I had on hand, the Furutech allowed whatever was plugged into it to transmit more recorded nuance with a sense of effortless transparency, particularly at the frequency extremes.

But like any cable regardless of quality, the Furutech wasn't the best match for everything I had on hand. I found the Audience cable more competitive with the PS Audio DAC; the Valvet A4 Mk.II monoblocks have a bit of upper midrange shine that was slightly prominent with the Furutech; and with the Class D Legacy i·v2 amplifier it was actually the very affordable Audience Forte that clicked better than the rest. But otherwise, the Furutech really shone with the majority of preamps and amps I tried, especially anything Pass Labs.

With the Gryphon Essence preamp, switching from the Furutech back to the Audience wasn’t a huge let-down by any means. And at first blush, the Audience sounded a bit more dense and focused than the Furutech, particularly in the lower midrange. But a few notes into Billie Eilish's "iomilo" [Qobuz] I realized what I was hearing as density was actually a bit of congestion, and the soundstage was quite a bit narrower than with the Furutech... everything sounded a bit more congealed around the center image of Eilish's voice. With the Furutech, the Gryphon preamp was able to eerily float effects around the entire space of the front of my living room, with percussion flourishes sprinkled throughout the track twinkling in ethereal fashion. With the Audience, everything lost some luster and became more confined between the speakers, and the frequency extremes lost some speed and impact. The DPS-4.1 cable really unleashed the wide-bandwidth capabilities of my system, maximizing both the epic bass depth, power and control of the Gryphon electronics as well as the purity and extension of the Audiovector's AMT tweeters. None of this is meant to beat up on the Audience, which costs about half as much as the Furutech and remains one of my favorite cords, but rather to elucidate how a cord like the Furutech can further elevate the performance of a system. At some point, I'll have to get around to trying Audience's latest models, such as the Studio ONE powerChord (closer in price) or the FrontRow (though that one costs 3x as much as the Furutech).

Testing the DPS-4.1 with the Gryphon Essence stereo amplifier was a bit trickier due to the need for a 20 amp IEC connector, so I special-ordered one for this purpose. Once set up, the Furutech rewarded me with incredible detail, an ultra-wide and deep soundstage that extended far beyond my walls, deep and impactful bass response and a heightened sense of purity - the "blackness" between the notes. Transients were immaculate, with perfectly clean attacks and decays - not excessively sharp, not softened, but just natural and energetic. This helped create the sense of greater macro and micro dynamic range; lots of subtle shadings and nuances in the music became clearer, while sudden transients were more explosive. There was a greater sense of both calm and energy with everything, where quiet moments felt finer and more delicate, while pops of energy in the performance burst forward with an effortless impact more akin to the live event. Separation, pitch, and articulation of bass notes were made more exceptional as well. It brought out the more rarefied capabilities of ultra high-end gear like the Gryphon - that ability to hear every element of a performance distinctively, yet perfectly integrated into the overall fabric of the music. All these qualities came to the fore listening to complex, dynamic material such as Strauss Don Juan [Qobuz]. I was struck by just how much clearer a window the Furutech gave into the dense, at times cacophonous orchestration, while making tranquil moments such as the idyllic oboe solo even more delicate and nuanced. The overall performance of the Gryphon + Furutech pairing was exceptional.

One combo where the Furutech power cord worked even better than the speaker cable was with the Pass Labs XA30.5 amplifier. With the DSS-4.1 speaker cable, there was a bit of a tradeoff where the enhanced resolution revealed some of the shortcomings of the amp vs. the more refined (and expensive) Gryphon Essence. However the DPS-4.1 power cord was dynamite with the Pass, helping maximize its dynamics and balance out its midrange warmth with bottom-end impact and top-end extension. The Pass Labs XP10 line stage also never sounded better than with the Furutech cord, with improved dynamics, soundstaging and clarity. The lack of noise and grain further strengthened the quietness, purity and sweetness that many find so endearing of Class A gear. The outstanding synergy with the Pass Labs components makes the Furutech DPS-4.1 cord about as no-brainer a recommendation as I can make for any Pass owner.

Conclusion

The Furutechs were remarkably consistent in their sonic impact. Both the speaker and power cables impart a wide-open feeling, with striking resolution at the frequency extremes, powerful low-end response, highly agile dynamics, super low noise floor and no readily-discernible coloration. They are extremely fast and clean without curtailing any sweetness or richness intrinsic to the music. Both cables are a tad more forward than my Audience reference wire, the Au24 SX speaker cable and powerChord SE-i power cord. There’s a hair more upper midrange energy and treble resolution that will require care with some systems, though it’s less prominent than, say, something with silver or silver-plated conductors such as DH Labs Q-10 or Nordost Valhalla. And the power cord in particular took the extension and resolving power of my system to a different level. They both strike me as reference-caliber cables, exacting enough to round out a tweaked-out $100k system, yet balanced enough to elevate something more modest, with plenty of headroom to grow into more ambitious gear. In particular, if you have a system with significant extension at the frequency extremes, they’ll help extract the most out of those capabilities. And as well as they work with my reference Gryphon separates, I absolutely love how they elevate Pass Labs gear, enhancing their intrinsic warmth and musicality with greater clarity, dynamics and precision. They'll be staying in the system for the long haul as a TAWW reference cable. Very highly recommended!

[stray-inu-writes]

Ko Murakami : Character Analysis

Despite being a secondary character (like most characters in WT), Murakami is part of the few chosen ones that got an actual backstory and a whole lot of defining characteristics, which lead him to be one of my favorites !

A Side Effect whose influence is more than a side effect

One thing I love about World Trigger is how Ashihara always shows the downside of what could be considered as a superpower, and Murakami is no exception to that rule. His enhanced sleep learning allowed him to rise to the top of Border without having to train as much as the others, a capacity that most students would love to have (me included). Earlier in life, he’s shown to improve quickly in every sport his friends introduce him to, and this ability was probably helpful in his academic cursus. He just needed to take a nap after class, and the lesson of the day was ingrained in his brain ; same goes for soccer tactics, volleyball moves…the list goes on. Heaven, right ? Except one little thing : social bonds are often forged through common struggles, especially during childhood and teenage years.

At this age, not struggling the same way as your classmates and friends translates to being unable to relate to them. How could Ko Murakami, 12 years old, understand why the others had to study hard to get a good grade, or forget things the teacher said in class ? It was obvious, he just remembered everything, so why weren’t the others the same as him ? When I read Ko’s backstory, my mind immediately linked it to a lot of gifted kid’s experience, where they feel isolated from their classmates. It’s explicitly stated that he lost a lot of friends to jealousy : every time they tried to teach him something (another popular form of bonding), he quickly surpassed them. Such a situation can easily take a toll on a young child or teen, and I believe that it’s exactly what happened, damaging the relationship he had with his Side Effect. Despising something that causes you isolation is perfectly normal, even though it gives you an advantage in other fields. Success doesn’t equal happiness, after all, and that was especially true for him.

The search for a purpose and a place where to belong is a central theme of everyone’s teen years and this belonging is usually found in friendship groups. For Ko, this search resulted in his enrollment in Border, most likely so as to put his talents to good use, since he had to deal with it anyway, but not in the big, shiny HQ in the middle of the city, no, in the Suzunari Branch. Ashihara mentioned in a Q&A that Murakami didn���t care to where he would get assigned to and I think he was even relieved to be sent in a newly created branch. New means that everyone is into unknown territory and it’s a very comfortable situation for someone like Ko.

However, the same thing happened : he got a mentor, Arafune, who taught him how to fight and use Attacker Triggers. In six months, the student surpassed his teacher and Ko found himself in a situation that seemed in all ways similar to what he went through during his childhood. In his mind, everything was going to repeat itself : he had made new friends, forged new bonds, but these bonds were at risk to be tainted by jealousy. As a matter of fact, this could have very well been the case, had his mentor been someone else than Arafune.

The path to acceptance

Fortunately for him, Arafune goals were very different from his disciple’s or really, anyone in Border, as he looked for a way to produce perfect All-Rounders. Ko’s experience with the effects of his ability mixed with a terribly bad timing and probably a lack of communication between them played an important role is the misunderstanding. We can see Ko completely breaking down, crying alone because thinking he lost another friend to his Side Effect was unbearable. It’s very likely that he kept this possibility in mind since the day he joined Border, and even the smallest sign that his fears may be true again was probably too much. That’s when the usual course of events suddenly shifts when he discovers that Arafune doesn’t resent him in the slightest and that Kuruma and Taichi don’t hesitate to comfort him. I can only imagine the relief he felt : for the first time, the people he let close to him didn’t reject him, in the contrary.

In Border, while there may be a rivalry between squads, everyone is working towards the same goal : protect Mikado from the Neighbors. In times of crisis, all teams come together and cooperate, because that’s what they trained from. This is even truer for the members of the same team, whose success depends on every one. Ko’s teammates don’t see his particularity as something disturbing, but as something they can all benefit from. It’s a very different perspective than his previous friends’, because another dimension was added. In organizations like the Border, people with unusual profiles and exceptional capacities aren’t seem as “too much” like it’s the case in others social situations where deviating from the norm is frowned upon.

Hence why Murakami’s own point of view of his Side Effect changed : he was no longer the weird kid, but someone who supported his team and helped others. Enhanced sleep learning went from factor of exclusion to a useful talent. Of course, Ko’s change of heart was probably gradual, because reevaluating something you believed most of your life isn’t done overnight, but that’s what made him into the Murakami we see through Yuma’s eyes.

A selfless and patient fighter

Ashihara could have gone the easy way and made him this super mysterious and edgy character – and with his backstory, he could have very well become a lone wolf ! - but he chose instead to create maybe one of the most human characters in World Trigger. Plot-wise, Murakami represents a turning point : he’s the first opponent to represent a challenge for Yuma. Our white-haired prodigy acknowledges that if the match had gone on, the losses and victories would have evened out, which is a very rare thing for him. However, Murakami is honest and doesn’t show any signs of arrogance when he gets to defeat his opponent, probably because he knows it’s because of his Side Effect and not entirely thanks to his personal skills (which raises the question : does he consider his ability to be entirely part of him or something he can separate himself from ?)

In general, the readers can see Murakami as a very humble young man, always polite, someone who could very well brag openly about his ranking but doesn’t in any way. More importantly, he’s defined by his undying loyalty to his teammates : he could have left them to get in a A-Rank unit with more prestige, but I believe the idea never came to his mind and for a very simple reason. He isn’t looking for glory, he’s looking for somewhere to belong and somewhere to be useful, and his skills fit perfectly into Suzunari-1. In a way, his new perspective on his Side Effect is that he has a responsibility, which explains why he often chooses the hardest tasks and takes the more risks : for his team. Murakami doesn’t think too highly of himself and wouldn’t mind to take a hit on his pride if that meant victory for them, something that others would be unable to do. That’s also why he trains relentlessly : he doesn’t satisfy himself of his current level, not because of his ego but because he knows he can do better for the others. (his hard-working nature has been confirmed by Ashihara himself in a Q&A !)

This unit is one of the few that consider themselves as more than teammates, as every interaction between them we get to see resemble a family’s. They all know they would be nowhere as high in the ranking without Ko, especially Ko himself, but he never belittles them. Even Taichi the klutz, who can be more of a burden than a help sometimes, is treated sweetly by him, while others may have snapped under the pressure. Other examples of Murakami’s patience are shown by his friendship with Kage. Kageura obviously isn’t an easy person to get along with considering his outbursts and his irritability.

That’s where we can notice a pattern in Ko’s friendships : they all are honest (sometimes to a fault) and simple people. He probably wouldn’t enjoy that much the company of someone like Jin who often hides his true feelings. Murakami likes real people, and it’s extremely coherent with his backstory. In the past, he had to deal with friends that let him down when something didn’t work out the way they planned, and now tends to befriend people who are unapologetically themselves, meaning they don’t conceal their true personality and thoughts behind a mask they use to be liked or well seen by the others (Kage couldn’t give more a shit about people’s opinion of him).

And of course, Murakami isn’t all serious ! He’s shown various times to be amused by his friends’ behavior or to mess with people in a harmless way, like the time when he makes Yuma believe Kage’s Side Effect is to read minds.

(does my crush show through this analysis ? Absolutely.)

I could have gone into some points in a little more depth, but that will be all ! Also, there are some moments where my limits in using the English language are blatant and I apologize in advance. Next one will be Reiji ! It will probably be shorter, since I’m always more proficient in analyzing my favorites, even though I like Reiji very much 😊

[seaswalllow]

24/5/2021 fundy lore recap, as best as i could! warning for heavy manipulation ^^"

lore starts six minutes in:

been having trouble sleeping

pulls fox into dream

can’t remember his dream?

“there was someone. uh… and then what?”

“opened my door, saw an old friend, it was so long since i spoke to him- it was quackity!”

“we go back to lman- um.”

“i kinda do miss that place”

“remember the times when i couldn’t stop a nation from blowing up? remember the times when i helped the guy that killed tubbo? yeah i remember those times” [11:35]

“you know what bothers me the most? i’ve been having nightmares, and crazy visual stuff happening in my dreams that i don’t even know how to explain it. but every single time, at the end- my memory goes back to those days. how i always was there, had the chance, had the little helper of wilbur, of schlatt, of butcher army, and somehow, i couldn’t do anything” [12:30]

“leads me to believe it was always my fault”

“quackity showed up at my doorstep, and told me a few things. told me the things i was a part of. told me a few things that made sense. and a few things that weren’t great to hear. but he was right.” [14:50]

“there was me thinking that he came to see me or something! i isolated myself from the world, tried to save everyone from some crazy shit happening, because every time i’m a part of something, it seems to break down” [16:10]

“i thought he came to say hi, to see me, but he had a different idea, and honestly i don’t blame him. he’s a business man. he made some good points, and i think he’s a nice guy. i honestly don’t think he was wrong at all” [16:50]

“time for a new chapter maybe”

fundy decides to hear quackity out, heads off to meet quackity; quackity takes him around las nevadas

“i was there for friendship. at the end of the day- i’ve known you since- at the end of the day, i wasn’t there for business, i was there for you.”[q] “you mean that?” “fundy- you and me, why were you in the cabinet, in the butcher army along with me? because we got along. i don’t remember a single moment where you caused problems, you always had the best interests of the country, same interests as me.” [22:00]

“fundy. this is home. if you ever do decide to join me- remember, this is not las nevadas, this is home.” [23:41]

“when lmanberg got destroyed, i had nowhere to go. i’ve had two homes- the lmanberg home (we got into neighbor disputes, remember?), and the house underneath karls house, but i’ve left that place, and i don’t ever think of going back to that place” [24:40]

“do you want me to be honest? as much as i want this to be a new chapter- new chapters have to be filled with will. for me, it had to be a necessity. either start anew, or rotting in self pity.”[q] “and you were strong!”[fundy] “and it had to happen.”[q]

“fundy, you listen to me carefully. this is my country. we are under no ruler- no tommy, no wilbur, no tubbo, no schlatt. this is our country. we don’t have to worry abt cabinet meetings, we don’t have to worry about going to countries with every week. we are free.” [27:30]

we are free here. we are home. this is our home, fundy.

fundy, im sick and tired of people telling me my entire fucking life that i can’t do something. i am tired of it, and thats why im doing this. [more repeating] this is home fundy.

“we’ve both been in that situation, quackity. i know how it feels.

i wish i could include tubbo in that, but he had his fair share of power for a while. tommy had a good bit of power; wilbur had power. we have never had power. we were pushed aside; by people who never thought of our pain. [q] [29:40]

“i dont think i’ve ever been happier!” q

shows off the wedding place again

i thought so too, that i found someone, but- i dont even know anymore, where it’s gone [q]

you have to choose the people that you trust wisely, fundy

calls people not wanting peace, love bullshit

fundy confides in quackity, tells him about believing that he’s a fuck-up

“fundy. don’t talk nonsense. not while you’re on the ground of las nevadas”

fundy starts apologizing; big q tells him to quit apologizing

“we have been kicked down, humiliated, for so long. because where are they right now? wilbur is, as far as i am aware, dead. tommy? i haven’t even heard of tommy for so long. he’s probably still chasing that disk, for so long. all of these people that i have considered friends for so long, are still stuck chasing the same thing, over and over again. and they think that one day, it’s going to change. fundy, it’s not going to. they’re going to have to change it themselves.”

“i extended my invitation. but until you find your self worth [basically] i would rather you not join las nevadas. i care fr u as a person, ur not a pawn, some asset, a business partner. ur a friend, fundy. id rather u work on urself as a person and realize ur own self worth. but i know that you’ll find that self worth; and i dont want you to be far away from me because we can do great things together.”

big q offers him an empty plot outside las nevadas, to build a home/whatever he wants. “build. your. home.”

fundy keeps asking for permission; big q keeps telling him to turn over a new leaf

“who is fundy? fundy is big. fundy is strong. fundy is smart. translate that, those traits, into a nice big building.” -big q

“you know me better”- fundy

big q: you have to let go, fundy.

fundy, pretend lmanberg never happened. pretend that all the wars that happened, didn’t happen. pretend you were never born again

they both shout to the sky that they’re born again

big q is using dap me up oh g o d lmao

big q keeps emphasizing “welcome home, fundy”

fundy is overjoyed at being recognized, a bit salty abt it taking three months, but keeps emphasizing that its Fine they’re just Busy

keeps emphasizing that he’s a friend, a good friend

uhhh just fucking around til stream ends

[fatedkings]

i want to preface these thoughts by saying: by no way shape and form will i ever force my headcanons on my roleplay partner of the other character i have the headcanon with. These are just my thoughts and nor do I view muns of villains in a negative light, we all love characters just different types. it does not mean they, the muns, are bad people.

my  ( undead )  izuru headcanons involve Gin/Aizen of course, whom both i love dearly with all my heart, and several other characters like Hisagi, Momo, Renji, and Matsumoto.  I will have a read more,   gore warning etc.  as this WILL get lengthy  ( going in depth about izuru’s state of consciousness leading up to,   the possible backlash,    etc. )

basically tl;dr    izuru kira becomes the epitome of despair.

After a blast in the chest from Bazz-B, obliterating his abdomen tossing his arm aside, Izuru barely “alive” is taken to Mayuri Kurotsuchi to be healed. Held together by a string of will to live, heavy poles, and enhanced by the reiatsu of Izuru’s fallen seated officers now standing at a captain’s level ( as stated by Shaz Domino in their battle in “Beginning of the revive of Tomorrow”. )

much of him ponders his existence:   how he is carrying the souls of the seated officers he was unable to protect, only to continue to fight for his pride as a gotei 13 member.   This mindset  has been the same since Gin Ichimaru left the gotei 13 with aizen in a beam of light, leaving Kira’s trust irreparable. his personality has always revolved around his comrades, his captain, the gotei 13  ( as many shinigami were indoctrinated to unquestioningly  [ i.e. he made momo bow before byakuya even though it was wrong to just allow  renji to be jailed horribly injured as he was. ]  believe to follow the rules and motions at the time making aizens plan easier, izuru is just another sleeper in the system. )

this could be stated as a young shinigami he was impressionable, Aizen “I plan everything to a T” Sosuke stated how he chose Hinamori specifically for being his lieutenant so that he may manipulate her like a puppet for the events of the soul society arc.   (  which arguably pitted them against one another and ruined their [ hinamori and izuru’s ] relationship in my opinion  )    i highly suspect that Izuru was ALSO chosen through the same process that Hinamori was picked so that there were no flaws in this plan, as Gin was in with Aizen one hundred years prior.

now, I am not saying that Gin did not CARE for Izuru personally, I am saying that Gin had a mission and that was to kill aizen by any means necessary even if it meant getting others hurt. Gin played along with Aizen’s game, the manipulation, i even think he cared for Izuru to an extent before the end of their time together, but again he had a mission he had to accomplish. What I have always loved about BLEACH is how morally grey the characters are, and Gin alongside Tosen is a great example of these archtypes. Gin wanted to kill Aizen and return the shard of the Soul King back to Rangiku, what he sold his life away to for the person he loved most.

We know Izuru as a child was more free, chipper to tease and speculate over his and Hisagi’s strength only question what happened to make Kira such a gloomy person. Perhaps it is the exposure to being a soul reaper, but the drastic changes in his personality make me question what made Izuru the person we know now?    it’s only later on in my current re-reading of BLEACH in Izuru’s cell scene did i get the full extent of how uncomfortable it truly was at least for me.    A dilapitated cell,     scratched up,     broken chair,      blood splatter aross the floor, Izuru in a sling self loathing:

Hinamori’s cell was not the same state being absolutely pristine, almost the same for Renji except more concrete than wooden. Kira put the loyalty to his Captain over the loyalty to his friend when it came down to the tension over Sosuke Aizen’s “death”  self loathing over what he had done.  All of this Damage had been done by himself, restrained for his own safety, conflicted over his own emotions:

Izuru was lead to rely and be loyal to Gin ( if not I think part of Kira on the inside was also TERRIFIED of Gin ),  leading to Izuru diverting Matsumoto after the central 46 slaughter although he tells Nayura from “Beginning of the Revive of Tomorrow” Gin did not tell him to fight Matsumoto the opposite is implied in the manga as well as matsumoto’s suspicions of some sort of manipulation  (  rangiku and izuru make up tho and drink so its gucci ) with a q&a of Kira’s after the soul society rebellion sounding lost, stating how he did not want ‘liars’ in his company. However, Hinamori’s q&a had a desire for life and to move on from the tragic events unlike Izuru’s prompt.

Rose might be attached to Izuru, however, Izuru does not want to latch on to Rose and for something unmistakable to happen (  unable to trust, similar to the captain amagai arc in the anime except with one personality of strenuous trepidation and the other willing.  )

It’s always been his mindset to put the Gotei 13 before his friends ( who he loves very much, he worried about rangiku more than himself even though he was a human squirting ketchup bottle ),   he does not have any living family, nor does he seem to have any lingering positive feelings to himself   as now Kira needs to PROVE his worth. Later on in turn back the pendelum with Kisuke and Hiyori visiting maggots nest mentioning how there is no one who intentionally leaves the Gotei 13, implying that in the Gotei 13 you either die as a shinigami or are imprisoned for life.  Unquestioning loyalty is the unhealthy norm among all of them, even if it may seem endearing at times for the Division eleven members, etc.

[Undead] Izuru is just what he says: a ‘different Izuru’. 

although it may be known that the hole in his chest exists, the extent that the mental state has deteriorated would be unknown to most of the people in his life. Just because of the change brought on by Ichigo and his friends does not mean that Soul society has truly made progress, many of the soul reapers linger on the old ways rather than moving forward. Shinigami are still very much sheep apart of the herd and without Kira voicing his concern about the state of being Izuru is in none would be the wiser or know about the souls essentially stapled against his own. Everyone would be complacent, silent... as possibly KIra could decend into a numb void pit similar to a Gillian.

How? Only Arrancar have been stated similar to Shinigami, but the backlash to having the souls pegged onto the motherboard would create some TYPE of hazard for Izuru in the future that would jeapordize his state of being. Here i propose this theory: Gillians are made of hollows intertwined with one another, although, most do not have any sense of individuality because of this make up,

1.)   izuru would eventually lose his sense of object permanence, individuality, perpetually putting his comrades in danger by his own presence that could lead to the harm or slaughter of shinigami and the people he once loved.

2.)   if the process of losing spiritual pressure is painful  ( i.e. how ichigo reacted in the manga when he passed out after mugetsu ) perhaps the same can be said for those who rapidly gain spiritual pressure/reiatsu over a short period of time.

(  in brave souls during his attacks he sounds like hes groaning or in pain.  )

3.)   interacting with izuru is a lot like pulling teeth,  to yank and  tear,   like the moon as a waning crescent his mentality is filled with the dysphoric aftermath.  Unable to turn a new page,   even with the war over,   izuru has not sought help for the gaping cavern that lays in his chest nor does he seem to want to...

(  izuru seems to be content with living alongside his companions day to day as if the days were the same before the TYBW   [ in rukia’s and renji’s getting-married novel he still has the hole because yoruichi tries to unclothe him to look at it ].     Unless kira himself comes to the conclusion that he has regained some sort of status within the gotei 13,     as lieutenant within division three there will be no redemption or acceptance to fill that gap.     it will be there haunting him,      a wound undisclosed with all expected to walk parallel never questioning  his state of being, he is detached from the world around him,  isolating himself for various reasons.    )

4.)    the arm that was blown off is mostly repaired as synthetic, izuru holds his arms and body irregularly    (  i.e.   how attacks with one arm only,    one shoulder is lifted higher than the other.  ) and can be ejected off with enough force if applied.

5.)    SPECULATION**//         his will to fight/kill might be affected,   as we have seen through ichigo,   is what drives a shinigami to gain power in their zanpakuto is their kill intent resolve.     He states that he is only fighting for his pride to gain his status back in the gotei 13, though he protected others, it was to a means to an end.   However,    his former resolve in battle was to the point of no doubt so it would vary by situation   (  i.e. “ can i protect this place?   we will see... “  )

6.)    no one knows about the souls basically stapled to Izuru’s body.     most likely people understand he had grown stronger without a bankai but not HOW.  The only people who know are Mayuri, Nemu ( who is dead), possibly Akon, and very few of those in the twelfth division but those would be sworn to silence.

7.)    a type of imposter syndrome.   believing that he is not the real izuru, since he did indeed die, combined with several different souls who could he be?   it’s why he becomes irrationally agitated when the events of TYBW or the hole inside his body is brought up, why has he not closed it?  truly he is frightened of what the answer might be and only clams up more aka linked back to #3

the reason i call him the epitome of despair is that he always had good intentions, he loves his friends endlessly, he serves his company with loyalty that would be expected of a perfect soldier, but he never had a chance from the start that he entered the academy.

he might have been able to save one girl inside of the central 46 that would go on to do big changes alongside the captain commander and nanao, but for Izuru already so much had been lost at one time significance had no meaning. his life had no meaning, all his faith in the system had been proven to be meaningless as corrupt, most of all he could not protect his comrades that were compounded to his body : how could he continue to be a shinigami in the gotei thirteen, a lieutenant no less? how could he protect others?

i don’t want to stereotype him as the “”””emo””””” type as he, at the core, is far from it even with and despite how gloomy Izuru reacts. He is, for the most part, a grounded level headed individual who is self disciplined, decisive even when it comes to battle that separates him from the rest of the lieutenants  ( he has a usual indecisiveness, but it can be worked to his advantage in some situations. )

Loyal,  soft spoken,  the friend you would WANT to have,  Izuru can still express emotion as the sheer panic and fright he had when yoruichi tried to disrobe him just to look at his hole was genuine enough. hell he even ran division three for a short time by himself, i think that is something to be recognized.

it’s not that he does not believe as the head of central 46 thinks, but that his reasoning for who he was wanes his existence. all of it is jarring, there would have to be some kind of backlash.

it would be easy to say ‘get orihime to heal him’ and ‘get it over with’ but orihime struggled to heal ichigo through ulquiorra’s cero that shot through his chest the first time because of the strong reiatsu that lingered. Bazz-B is a thousand year old quincy,  in comparison the effort would most likely exhaust orihime before she even finishes because of the residual energy that imprinted. Knowing how orihime’s powers work it relies on her mental fortitude, she is human and not indespensible, Kira sees this as a burden on the ryoka and would not ask this of them after all that Ichigo and his friends have done for them.

degradation was not personality/character improvement rather the focus of the marigold on his character was specific, and I am sure there would have been more if Kubo was not rushed by deadlines and illness. I feel like im repeating points by now so i think hopefully everyone gets the picture of what I mean, if anyone has any questions let me know!

[quixotic-writer]

Right Through the Very Heart of it

A request sent in by: the lovely @birdgirl1772 !

Summary: A girl’s trip to New York is not what you had in mind for a girl’s trip, a trip to the clubs was also not what you had in mind for your second night in the city. When things begin to spiral out of control, the compassion of two strangers named Joe and Q will change your mind just a bit.

———————————————————

The city that never sleeps: New York, New York. This is the destination of our girl’s trip vote and one I think i’ll probably hate the most. I was the only one that voted against it wanting instead to go to Seattle and just have a relaxing, calm, slow paced trip. Here I am now, shuffling desperately through my luggage to find a dress to wear for a trip to the clubs tonight trying to buy myself more time to mentally prepare myself for this evening’s antics. I tried protesting that as well. I insisted we could opt for something more my speed like a broadway show instead, but Ari and Bella just wouldn’t budge and that I HAVE to go. Clubbing it was for tonight’s activity then I guess. I had to remind myself that it wasn’t just my trip, they deserve their share of activities too.

“Come on girlll, pick a dress so we can gooo!” Bella calls from the couch of the hotel room, already dolled up in her midnight blue skin tight dress, raven black hair curled up in loose waves. Her legs dangled off the arm of the couch and she scrolled through her phone.

“Is it a las vegas extravaganza sparkly red night, or is it a sleek black dress kinda night?” I ask over to Ari who is busy looking at herself in the bathroom mirror. She adjusts her wine red dress and teases at her blond hair. She makes her way over to me and peers over my shoulder as she looks at the two lovely dresses I had in each hand. Her eyes narrow as her gears go in her head.

“Black dress, always made you look super hot. Simple is nice y’know, guys like simple especially in a place where everything is complicated.” I wasn’t really looking to get lucky tonight, just mingle and see if anyone sticks out. I shove the red dress back into my luggage and bring out the black spaghetti strap ruched dress holding it up to get a good look at it. I don’t think I ever got a chance to wear this at home, maybe tonight is a night of trying to be an upgraded version of myself. Ari made a good decision, this was probably more New York speed than the other one. “Now don’t be too long getting ready, the fun is waiting for you!” I roll my eyes and step into the bathroom to get myself all gussied up.

When I finally emerged from the bathroom, feeling clean and collected, Ari and Bella’s eyes widen and so did their smiles. I give them a whole 360 spin to show off all the goods I got going. I lacked self confidence, but the energy they had buzzing was enough to get me going.

“Look at you baby girl. If I was a lesbian or a guy, i’d eat you up that’s how good you look.” Bella exclaims.

“Girl I would not want to leave the club without getting your number if I saw you. You look HOT!” Ari chimes in. I feel my confidence soar and I felt a lot better than I did earlier.

“Well, let’s head out then ladies!” The girls hoot and holler as we get our shoes on for the night. Despite the good vibes we had going, deep inside I feel a sense of unease in the pit of my stomach, but I play it off as nerves. It’s been a while since i’ve been able to have fun so i’m determined to have fun tonight, dance with my girls, meet someone, get a little loose. I’ve been so uptight all the time that maybe decompressing and letting go is what my spirit craves and needs.

We walk down the crowded streets of times square, the lights of the signs are so bright it almost seems like it’s still daytime. The streets are packed with people who have somewhere to be, zany street performers doing their thing with swarms of people around them, cars that never stop honking, and people never stop shouting. People kept bumping into me, cat calling after me, and staring. It’s all starting to get a little overwhelming and I feel a sense of dread rising deep in the lowest part of my abdomen and my chest. It all slowly started building and nearly becoming too much for my senses and I tried to ignore the instinct to run back to the hotel room and hide under the covers for the rest of the night.

“Guys? How much farther? Getting a little cramped and anxious here.” I ask as we keep our stride down the side walk, men yelling obscenities to us with a hunger for exotic attention.

“Just another block and around the corner. Don’t get yourself so wound up already, our night is only beginning!” Ari grabs my arm and links it with hers, my feet stumble trying to keep up, but I push forward anyway. Just one good night is all I want.

We finally find the place Ari had been raving about this morning and we stepped inside. Loud music flooded my ears, dim lighting was a change from outside, the seats at the bar are half full, and there are people everywhere chattering away. It seemed like an average bar to me, not sure what there is to rave about like Ari had.

“I need a drink.” I say as I start making a straight shot to the bar. Maybe a drink and a small buzz will help ease my nerves, get me going for the night and keep whatever energy in me alive.

“There’s the party girl we’ve been searching for!” The girls follow me to the bar and we all take a seat, a bar tender with glasses and of seemingly Puerto Rican decent smiles and comes over to get our drinks.

“Back so soon Ari? And I see you brought some friends as well!” He greets us warmly and is already preparing a drink in front of us.

“Of course, last night was fun and I knew I had to bring my girls. Ladies, this is Sal! He runs this ship and sure knows how to make a hell of a drink.” We both smile and introduce ourselves as he slides Ari her drink. “You remembered the drink I got last night? This guy is fucking incredible.” He look proud of himself as he raises his eyebrows and smiles.

“So what can I get for you ladies?”

“Long island iced tea please.” I shoot out immediately, both Ari and Bella turn to look at me shocked. I’m not really one for drinks, let alone some of the stronger ones.

“Damn girl, you’re just diving in aren’t you? If that’s the pace for the night: can I get a screwdriver please.” Sal nods and begins making our drinks. In the meantime I look to others around the bar and I notice Ari had peeled away and wandered off to talk to a guy at the end of the bar with her drink in hand. She has her flirty face on, guess I won’t bother her for the rest of the night.

Sal places my drink in front of me and I take a long sip hoping that the alcohol in this drink will kick in soon. It warms my esophagus as it goes down and I already feel that I might regret this drink later. I sit at the bar and watch silently as Sal and Bella chat away. I was off in my own head trying to block out any bothersome and intrusive negative thoughts. Any thought that came to mind, I took another sip of my drink until I had either drowned the thought out or had nothing else in my glass. I eventually reached a point where I started eating the ice in my glass to sop up whatever alcohol was hiding in there.

“C’mon! Let’s go dance!” Bella grabs me by my arm almost making me bump my empty glass off the counter top. We shuffle over to the open space that was occupied by fellow drunk patrons moving to the music and Bella starts grooving immediately, swaying her hips in smooth motions feeling the rhythm and matching tempo to the tunes that poured into the room. I, on the other hand, tried dancing but I moved in stiff awkward motions, feeling uncomfortable and scared to accidentally bump into anyone around me for fear of it turning into a confrontation.

Before I knew it, Bella had managed to slowly peel away just as Ari had and was off dancing with some other guy and we started drifting away further, and further from each other until I was virtually on my own. I felt sense of regret and dread pounding at my lungs like someone had punched me straight in my sternum and bruised my ribs.

“I don’t belong here.” I say quietly to myself as I stood completely still feeling isolated from the social circle around me. Everything felt like a blur around me, faces seemed like smeared oil paintings, the lights felt brighter than the sun, and the room felt like it was spinning. My lungs felt as though they had stopped working and I was beginning to drown in the warm air of body heat.

“Hey there hottie.” I see a guy start approaching me, already I felt uncomfortable around him. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, I wanted space, I wanted to be alone, I wanted out of here. I have a glazed over look in my eyes and he just ignores all signals to shut him down and keeps on pursuing me. “What’s a pretty girl like you doing all alone?” He tries to grab for my hips to dance and make a move, but I quickly bat his hands off of me back away.

“Don’t fucking touch me.” I say defensively and my fight or flight kicks in as I slightly raise my arms should I need to defend myself. My nerve endings feel like they’re on fire and shame washes over me as I realize tonight was a wash and that I just want to go back to the hotel more than anything. I kept denying myself my own comfort and here I am now in a situation I feel as though I can’t escape. A confrontation I feared in a place i’ve never been to began unravelling before me.

“What’s you’re deal psycho? Can’t a guy just dance with a girl?” He raises his voice and steps a little closer to me. I immediately mentally shut down and I felt as though I was dissociating and off on a whole different plane of existence.

“Hey buddy, back off and leave her alone. She’s obviously not interested.” An older looking guy with spiked up gray and white hair steps in and chases the guy off. He turns to me and rolls his eyes. “The nerve of some people. Are you okay? You looked a little anxious and I wanted to make sure you felt safe. Name’s Joe by the way!” He asks with concern riddling his face. I couldn’t speak, my voice felt trapped in my throat and everything around me began overloading all my senses until my legs gave out and I was left on the floor shaking feeling helpless.

Immediately Joe sprung into action dropping to his knees next to me and supporting me up so I didn’t fall back any more. He looks around to the oblivious crowd that felt like walls closing in on me.

“Hey! Hey! Give her some space, back up!” He waves his hands gathering everyone’s attention. The crowd turns to me and immediately part to create a circle of space and safety around me. I hugged all my limbs in tight close to me, I looked around frightened as tears tracked down my face. I felt mortified, I was making a huge scene. “Okay, take a moment breathe, I know someone who can help. Q! get your ass over here, got a situation!” He rests his hands on my shoulder to stable me and it felt warm and I felt solace in it.

l had sealed my eyes shut trying to block out the overwhelming number of faces and eyes on me. When I opened them and looked up again, another guy with short salt and pepper hair, a scruffy beard and mustache, and sleepy looking eyes steps into the ring. I assume he’s Q. He kneels down next to Joe and in front of me. They start talking to each other and I can’t quite make out what they’re saying, but they both occasionally look over to me so I assume Joe is filling him in on my unfortunate circumstance. Once they’re done talking, they both redirect their attention back to me.

“It’s okay, he was a firefighter, he knows how to help.”

“Hey, not trying to be a wise ass but you’re having an anxiety attack right now. What we need to try first is steady your breathing, okay? Take in a slow deep breath through your nostrils, hold it for a couple of seconds, then slowly exhale through your mouth. Let’s do it together.” He removes his jacket and places it on me as he speaks in a calm tone, his eyes never leaving mine. He begins the exercise and I follow as he does, I felt tension inside me slowly begin to release. Joe never left my side through the whole process, he speaks calmly repeating over and over “steady, steady. you’re doing great.” and other sweet messages as he lightly rubs up and down my back providing father like comfort to me.

“Okay, now that you’re breathing is a little more steady, let’s get you grounded. Tell me some of your favorite things, anything. A place, colors, flowers, just keep going okay. It’ll help distract your mind.” I nod as I was finally able to catch my breath.

“Carnations are my favorite flower... I love spring time... Royal blue is my favorite color with lavender being right under it... My favorite animal is a jellyfish because they look pretty...” I continue listing things and it helps take my mind off of everything that just happened as I try and think of the next thing to add to my list. Soon the sense of panic that was pounding in my chest eased away. The moment I feel 100% better again, I finish off my list. Q smiles to me and so does Joe.

“You did great. Are you feeling well enough to get back up on your feet?” He outstretches his hand and I take his hand. He lifts me back up to my feet and he walks me over to the bar. Everyone else around us went about their business as though I didn’t freak out at all. “Maybe stay away from alcohol for the rest of the night, stick to water. Sal! A water for the pretty lady!” Joe slides a small stack of napkins to me.

“I’m not trying to be rude sweetie, you just cried a bit and I want you to be able to touch yourself up.” He gives a soft smile. I take the napkins and wipe up underneath my eyes. When I look at the napkins I see all my makeup wiped up on it, most of which was some mascara that seemed to stream off my eyes. Sal places a glass of water in front of me and looks me in my eyes with the same look of concern Joe and Q had given me during my break down.

“Where’d your friends go? You doing okay?” He asked leaning over the bar.

“Don’t know where they are, but I think I made some new ones.” I say smiling to the men that surrounded me. “Thanks for helping me out, I don’t even know what happened.”

“It was the right thing to do, I wasn’t gonna let some random guy harass a woman who was clearly not comfortable with him. I’d be pissed if someone did that to my wife or daughter.” Joe says with a slight twinge of anger in that last sentence.

“You needed help, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. We all need a little help sometimes.” Q says raising his own glass of water to his statement. I smile and awkwardly chuckle as I raise my glass with him.

The rest of my night was spent with Joe, Q, and Sal (when he wasn’t serving drinks). We talked the whole night away about why I ended up on a trip to New York, I talked about my home town and they talked about Staten Island being theirs, and childhood stories and tales from adulthood were shared as well. It was simple, sober, clean fun. It was all I really wanted from tonight.

Joe eventually left to go home, I bid him farewell and gave him a great big hug. Q and I were left at the bar to continue chatting away, and I gotta say, he was really charming and dare I say kind of cute. We laughed together for what felt like forever and I didn’t want it to end. To think, just an hour or so ago, I just wanted to be in the hotel bed watching shitty movies by myself. All good things must come to an end though, as it started getting a little late, my eyes grew a bit heavy. It eventually became too much to ignore and it wasn’t in my agenda to fall asleep in a bar I just had an anxiety attack in.

“I think I should head back to my hotel room and call it a night. That anxiety attack really wiped me out.” I let out a small yawn.

“Let me drive you back then, I don’t want you taking a cab alone or walking the streets this late at night.”

“You’re not like an axe murderer are you?” I joke with him.

“No I am not. I’m too stupid to get away with murder anyway.” He retorts back.

“Well I just don’t want you going out of your way...” I felt bad, I had burdened him enough with having to deal with my anxiety debacle.

“It’s no problem, let’s get you the hell out of here.” We both say our good bye’s too Sal and head out to find Q’s car. We finally stumble upon the cherry red jeep and I feel surprised to see it. “Are you judging my vehicle choice?” He cocks his eyebrows and smiles.

“It’s just such a loud color for such a seemingly calm and soft guy.” I tease. We hop in and headed out on the road. It was a short ride but it also felt long because of how tired I was. I leaned against the frame of the window, resting my head feeling the sleepiness slowly starting to take more and more control. Q tried helping me out by blasting some up beat music and giving me a special performance by singing along to all the tracks. He was just too cute.

When we reached the hotel, he parked the car and hopped out with me and took his time to walk me all the way back to my room. It’s small gestures that mean the world to me and that show that someone cares, and Q was clearly someone who cares. It felt crazy and in my head all I wanted to spend more time with him. We reach the front of my door and I turn to him and smile as I rub the sleep from my eyes trying to stay coherent for just a little longer.

“I can’t thank you enough for tonight.” I say bashfully as I hug my arms around my body. It was then I remembered something: “Oh my god, i’m sorry I still have your jacket!” I start frantically removing it but he stops me.

“Keep it for now, gives me an excuse to see you again. Which, speaking of...” He brings his phone out from his pocket and hands it to me. “If you don’t mind, i’d love to get to talk to you more and maybe see you again while you’re here. I had a great time tonight.” I gladly take his phone and input all my information. I see as he watches with a big grin on his face. I hand him back his phone and unlock my room door.

“Thank you again, Q.” I say softly. I caress his face and bring it in placing a tiny kiss on his cheek.

“Not even on the lips?” He jokes.

“Give’s you something to look forward to.” I wink at him and I see his face tint pink. “Get home safely.” I say as I begin to retreat into the room.

“I’ll message you tomorrow. Good night!” We both smile to each other and I head inside. I cover my face with my hands, smiling into them as my heart explodes with joy. I throw myself onto the bed and stare at the ceiling as fireworks go off in my head. For such a shitty night, it was the best i’ve had in a while.

[h-sleepingirl]

EEEHU + Scenes From A Hypnotic Skype Call 3/29/20

This is a writing about my weekend. This is a writing about EEEHU, and a writing about a Skype date. They are very different in tone, but inevitably interconnected. This is a writing I debated on doing -- on how to express it, and whether or not I should share it.This is a writing that starts very hard, but gets easier. 

I was a part of two classes on Saturday. I thought that would be easy; I had been kicking myself for not submitting more and was very close to deciding to put on an unconference class. 

It was not easy. 

I didn't sleep well that night, and haven't been sleeping well in general. Since shifting my work, I felt like my sleep should be pretty stable, since I work on my own schedule now. But I've been staying up late and waking up early. It's a bad pattern, and it was the second day in a 5hr sleep cycle. 

I was already drained, and I had a lot to juggle to get everything running smoothly Saturday morning. It was taxing and I was exhausted. I was snapping at stupid things, uncharacteristically. I kept saying, with forced glee, "It's just like a real con! I'm sleep deprived and stressed!"

But once we got started, the first class with MrDream went well, and I enjoyed it. The audience was incredibly generous towards both him and me. I was so pleased at how many people were getting information and how many people said that they loved my trance face, although I had to force down a little bit of juvenile bitterness that we couldn’t just monopolize the class with play and go as hard as we usually do. There were 140ish people in the class -- a lot. We did Q&A to wrap up, and then I had to run to do tech testing for the podcast.

What I couldn’t do was give MrDream a hug after the class. What I couldn’t do was walk down the hotel hallway to see him and decompress. What I couldn’t do was hang around and chat with attendees in the lobby and in the con spaces.

I felt that immensely, stinging, but I had to push it down, because I had more to do.

The podcast, despite some inevitable technical issues, went well enough. By that point, I was feeling incredibly drained, and hadn’t been able to eat more than some yogurt for the majority of the day because of feeling crappy from not sleeping. It went for 2 hours -- very long, and we had no breaks. I was on autopilot. I had a good time, but felt almost dissociated, far away from myself.

I turned off the meeting, and I was suddenly in my bed, alone, just with cc, waiting for the audio to save.

I could not go see MrDream. I could not go see my friends. I could not get a hug. I could not text someone to ask where the party was and then stay up until 4am doing hypnosis and talking bullshit.

I started crying -- not weeping, not choking out tears, but wailing, hard crying.

It was the build-up of nearly a month of not processing that life, right now, is different. I cannot see my loved ones. I cannot see my community. EEEHU was a monstrous effort by its organizers which I applaud, and am so dearly happy that so many people enjoyed it, but for me, it was a harsh reminder that it was not a con in the way that I needed, and that I will not get that in the foreseeable future.

And I can’t see MrDream.

Our 2-year dating anniversary was just over a week ago. We would have had a date, riled up from not seeing each other for a month, meeting near the vernal equinox, the change of seasons having become important to us. And then we would have seen each other at NEEHU, a week later.

Now I don’t know when I will see him again.

After keeping that fact so distant from myself, taking one day at a time, I was slapped in the face by it.

I cried. I cried so hard. I have not cried like that in months, maybe a year. It was the rawness of isolation, the feeling of tragedy, of separation.

After a few minutes of it, I stopped, because I didn’t want to dig myself into a hole I couldn’t get out of. I saw myself in a mirror, and saw the mascara running in streaks down my face -- an effect I’ve tried hard to achieve for kink and in scenes for my partners who enjoy tears.

I took out my phone and snapped a picture -- the picture I take for MrDream every day of myself when I feel particularly brainwashed. If this wasn’t such a clear sign of how brainwashed, how dependent, how addicted, how in love I am, then I don’t know what is.

He responded well.

I went to bed early, feeling like I had immensely screwed up in everything the entire day. Again I had trouble sleeping, but I was comforted by the knowledge that I would talk to MrDream on Skype, and woke up feeling still drained, but less raw.

Our call was, of course, what I needed.

It was not the kind of call where we dove headfirst into trance. We spent time decompressing and talking, the sort of relaxed conversation I’ve missed so much since not having long time together.

But when he shifted his tone, when I saw his eyes change so subtly, I felt it all, and I felt everything melt away, helpless to it.

--

This trance is so overwhelming, the lowness of his voice, the feather-light touch of it makes me feel as though this is so much more powerful than aggression, as though I am a fluid which yields so much more softly when given the most gentle pressure, and how weak I feel to that.

He talks about how I can feel myself melting into him and suddenly I feel it, I feel the way his body feels. How much he wants me. How much when even I think about him from far away, he feels it, unconsciously, the force of our connection, we can smell each other, we know the weight of each others’ bodies.

Sinking into him. Filled with him. Empty. Deep.

Going through vivid memories of us together, flashbacks to dates that I suddenly am able to access more effectively.

I weep in trance at how precious that is. I weep while aroused as he controls me, even as I feel myself totally slipping away. The tears stop quickly, leaving me with his control.

He is calling back to the podcast that I know he was there to listen to, using my words, using my ideas, the recognition that he is always paying attention.

When he snaps me up, I am a hypnotized wreck, I can’t talk. He has to snap me up again.

“My shoulders are doing the thing,” I say, smiling, finally. “My brain is doing the thing.”

Loosened, relaxed.

--

We talk about how much we miss each other. He future paces gently about what it will be like when we finally see each other. I cry a little bit again, and it’s the first time I’ve acknowledged this thing with tears in front of him.

We banter Erickson at each other -- our ultimate love language.

--

I’m amazed how quickly I fall away when his flirting shifts intent just slightly. I have been going deeper, I have been going away so much further and faster.

He turns me into a cow, all body, no brain, taking over everything. Dumb cow braincells making me all mouth, all pussy, all tits. Calling back to my fey memories, how holographic they are.

Flashback to his apartment and cumming on top of him.

“Feeling the way the light feels,” he says, and it triggers the exact memory of my thought, in his room, when he took something away from me permanently -- ‘I will never forget the way the light looks in this room at this moment.’

“And then fading away even from this much comprehension into the deepest trance.”

Just hypnosis, just mind control. The absolute feeling of that, the way it drugs me.

I am so close to nothing, he is draining me away… Again I have that sense that if he just pushes a little more, I would go, something would happen, I would be totally gone forever… Again, I flash back to another date, the solstice that I did not share, and how close I was…

“You’ve always been a dumb little girl, wanting this so badly…”

Another flashback…

And he wakes me up, and I just stare at him. He makes a whooshing sound.

“Boy, do I miss this,” he says, all low, so turned on. “Gonna shred you so bad.”

I say his name.

“I’m… somewhere,” I manage, softly.

“Me too,” he says.

I’m so completely focused on his face, so completely keyed into his expression, his eyes, just like I would be if we were together, just like I’ve been learning how to do over Skype after all this time.

“Are we just going to spend 15 minutes staring at each other now?” I whisper, locked onto him.

“If we were alone, do you think we would?” he asks.

“Yes,” I say quietly.

We fix on each other, silently, and it is just like we are.

He makes another whooshing sound, and it breaks, and we both laugh a little.

“Well,” he says, “that was two minutes.”

--

“As if a candle can tell that it’s melting.”

I become an object, melting itself, lit by him, finally no longer a person, finally even more easy to exist as a vessel for his control.

“As if you are a candle in the dark night, dripping wax into your hand, thinking about spells and magic…”

Flashback to Samhain, and the frustration.

“Who we are when we are alone, when we are together, even if there are people around, no matter where, we are always in this other world where magic is happening to us both. Knowing we are always connected, knowing we always have this thing, and no one can stop it.”

Flashback to DMDW.

Flashback to flashbacks of DMDW.

Weeping, again, in deep, deep trance, feeling the magic bubble in my body and bubble where the air meets my skin, just for this one moment, so long since I’ve felt it and never over distance like this -- the magic that I will always question, the magic that seems unquestionable when I feel it and then dreamlike, it fades...

He counts me up, and I feel a tightness, and before 5, I whisper his name and ask to stay here, at 4.

--

I have looked at the picture of myself ever so often. The enormous emotional outpouring feels more distant now, and more manageable, but I don’t ever want to forget how hard that day was for me. I don’t ever want to take things for granted ever again.

It makes me so happy that I was able to have meaningful conversations and input at EEEHU, and help people learn, and watch people having fun. I wish I could have been more present, but I know I was doing the right thing by being at home, and not “at the con."

The hypnosis community is so incredibly important to me. I dedicated my first book to it, and surely I will do the same with my next. I believe I was meant to be here. If I believed in destiny, which I do not, I would say that it has been my destiny since I was a tiny little girl, confused and barely conscious of myself.

All I have to say is this: Take care of yourselves. Stay strong, but know you will fail sometimes. Cry. Laugh. Keep in touch.

I will be here.

--

@hypnokinkwithmrdream

[chrismerle]

FOR THE FANFIC ASK MEME THING (I finally picked beyond 'just... all of them?'): F, I, K, M, N, Q, S, T, V, W, X, and Y. WHICH ISN'T ALL OF THEM it's just... several...

(from here)

F. Share a snippet from one of your favorite dialogue scenes you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

I’m working on a Final Fantasy XV AU, because that’s basically all I write for FFXV; I really love the building blocks it gave me, but I don’t like a lot of the architecture. Anyway, conceptually it’s a fairly standard ‘what if Ardyn wasn’t a villain?’ thing, and on the off chance it ever sees the light of day, it will be called There Is a Crack in Everything.

This is a really early scene.

Regis stepped into his study, and Ardyn scarcely gave him time to close the door before wondering, with a languid sort of ease, “For how long have I been Adagium?” He sounded as if the word tasted foul.

“Longer than I can be certain of,” Regis sighed, taking his seat at his desk, across from Ardyn.

“And I’ll be able to relax for...how long?” Ardyn wondered pleasantly, leaning an elbow on the desk and propping his chin in his hand. “Before those lovely toy soldiers of yours try to haul me back to my stone box, that is.”

For a moment, Regis was quiet. For a moment, Regis thought of his father. Mors would have reacted the instant he realized who Ardyn was, and Regis wondered how many of the Glaive would have died and what sort of enemy they would have created.

He thought of his son, just a few weeks old. Already, Regis knew he did not want to teach Noctis to be that sort of king.

He did not want to be his father.

“You may stay here, should you wish it,” Regis answered at last.

Ardyn blinked, slowly. His expression didn’t change, but his words seemed carefully picked for carelessness. “And no one will wonder at another of the bloodline suddenly appearing?” he asked. “Or am I forbidden from showing off?”

“We’ll say you’re my half-brother,” Regis answered before he was even fully aware he’d come up with a solution. “It won’t surprise many.”

Ardyn’s eyes narrowed. “You’re awfully eager to dub me family.”

“You already are family,” Regis reasoned. “It seems it’s time someone finally treated you as such.”

That, at last, seemed to unmoor Ardyn. His posture went rigid for a moment as his gaze went distant. Twice, he opened his mouth to respond, before closing it without saying a word.

It took him only a moment to gather his composure, though, before he cleared his throat. “I have to say, this is the most elaborate method anyone has ever used to call me a bastard. I suppose that alone means it’s worth putting up with it.”

Regis laughed before he could help it.

I like it for a handful of reasons. For one thing, I’ve successfully weaponized it (and a few other snippets of the same WIP) to make my friend Ala emotional. For another, I didn’t really see this dynamic between Regis and Ardyn coming. It just sort of happened while I was typing, but I liked it when it showed up. It felt natural for an Ardyn who hadn’t been driven mad by turning countless people into daemons, but who was nevertheless not the same gentle healer after 2,000 years of isolation.

I. Do you have a guilty pleasure in fic (reading or writing)?

I got paid for years, plural, to write really bad porn about people who could turn into animals fucking. I have no shame left. I’ve had no shame since the first time someone offered to pay me $500 for smut.

K. What’s the angstiest idea you’ve ever come up with?

It is, again, related to FFXV. I wrote If the Ring Fits and Backed in Silver years ago, and ever since, I’ve tossed around the idea of writing another sequel for Ignis.

The only issue is that my idea for it would forcibly make him realize that the Prompto that had been in their world was not actually their Prompto, and had not been for over a decade. And it would be a conflict he’d have to grapple with through the entire fic, trying to decide whether to force that same replacement on someone in a different world or to just endlessly keep hopping from one world to another because he can’t return to his.

I’ve never actually written any of it, and the concepting never got beyond Ignis’s revelation about Prompto. But considering If the Ring Fits was 10,000 words long and Backed in Silver was 20,000, I can only imagine what sort of behemoth it would be.

M. Got any premises on the back burner that you’d care to share?

Like, WIPs, or things that I’ve pondered but haven’t started working on?

I’ve got a few WIPs. There’s the aforementioned non-villainous Ardyn AU. I’ve got another FFXV fic that’s been on hiatus on AO3 for legitimately over three years, and the next chapter is very nearly finished and I just...can’t seem to get there. I’ve got a Persona 5 new game+ fic in the works. That one’s fully plotted out already, and just the outline is like 15 pages long. Based on how the first chapter is going, each chapter will probably be anywhere from 10-20,000 words long. And I’ve got a melancholy immediately-post-season-two Mandalorian one shot in the works, spawned almost entirely so I could make Mando say ‘fuck.’ I know no one says fuck in Star Wars, but I don’t care. I will not say kriff and no one can make me. And I’ve got the Dragon Age uber fic that I’ve just sort of been plugging away at since Inquisition was released and none of it has ever seen the light of day, unless you count me shoving a few snippets at Siobhan.

Oh, and I’m rewriting an older Mass Effect fic.

For things that I’ve thought about but haven’t really worked on, they’re mostly more Dragon Age and FFXV. The “canon” stories for the two timelines not covered in the uber fic, and more AU nonsense spawned from ItRF and BiS.

N. Is there a fic you wish someone else would write (or finish) for you?

Like, finish one of MY fics? No. I would bite them if they tried. Hell, I love you and I would bite you if you tried.

Just, in general? At this point I would take a monkey paw-style deal to get someone to finish Home.

(for anyone who isn’t Jim, Home is a nuTrek Jim/Spock fic that I think I was in high school when it was published. I graduated from college over five years ago.)

Q. How do you feel about collaborations?

Mixed feelings. I’ll take feedback, assuming I’ve offered the mic for it. I’ll prattle on about whatever I’ve got cooking. I’ll ask for ideas or suggestions. But when it comes to the actual writing of it, I’m a control freak. So, people are welcome to help me gather up the building blocks, but I’m gonna wind up doing the actual building myself.

S. Any fandom tropes you can’t resist?

Overly elaborate AUs.

T. Any fandom tropes you can’t stand?

That thing fandom does where if they’ve decided a character has anxiety, then it does not matter how that anxiety presents itself in canon, in fanon they are a weepy, shy introvert who can hardly string a sentence together because they’ve polymorphed into a shivering puppy.

V. If you could write the sequel (or prequel) to any fic out there not written by yourself, which would you choose?

Does it count if I just say I wanna rewrite a series as a whole? There’s a FrostIron series I read ages ago before the MCU made me wanna gag, and at the time I LOVED it. And then not that long ago I went back and read it again, and it felt like I was saying goodbye to it because oh my god it was unbearable.

Loki was NEVER FUCKING WRONG ABOUT ANYTHING, unless he wasn’t in the room, in which case Tony picked the slack about not ever being wrong about anything.

W. Do you like more general prompts, or more specific ones?

More specific. Not this past Christmas, but the one before that, I was doing some Advent Drabbles for one of my roleplay blogs, so I was open to drabble suggestions anyone wanted to see. Like 70% of them were just one or two words and I’m just staring at my ask box like ‘thanks, I hate it’

(Kudos, though, to the random stranger who gave me a very specific, paragraph-long prompt for a Spider-Man (PS4) fic.)

X. A character you enjoy making suffer.

...All of them?

Y. A character you want to protect.

I guess Din Djarin.

I mean, he still falls into the above ‘all of them’ but when I make him suffer it’s more related to exploring something that happened in canon, rather than me directly causing it.

[nprmusicwnyc]

Jordan Hawkins: Gen-Z’s Neo-Jimi Hendrix [Q&A]

Virtuosity in the creative space is a long upheld ideal in our society. Though the role of the artist has changed significantly from the time of classic virtuosos like Mozart or Liszt, our infatuation with such lofty levels of creative actualization is tried and true. Achieving virtuosity is a combination of nature and nurture, as raw talent is only a skeleton without the famed 10,000 hours necessary to achieve expertise in a field. Hence the stories of these creative geniuses often begin in humble settings, where our future virtuoso is some form of a student with an insatiable desire to learn their chosen craft.  

This is the story of 23-year old artist, songwriter, and multi-instrumentalist Jordan Hawkins. Hailing from North Carolina, he grew up singing in church, shortly after picking up the guitar, honing his musicality amid the spiritual setting. Often dubbed the Neo-Jimi Hendrix, this comparison is well-deserved, as his years of self-instruction and later formal education at the Royal Danish Music Academy are exemplified by his striking mastery of his instruments.    

Upon moving to California and graduating from Pomona College, Hawkins took the leap of faith into the City of Angels, with the hopes of an artist career rising over the horizon. Following the hustle of live gigs and consistent writing amongst the Los Angeles creative community, Hawkins was discovered by multi-faceted music company Since the 80s, home to the likes of EARTHGANG, Dreamville, Njomza, etc.

Embarking on the next phase of his career with dual single release "Daydreams/Sunset" written during the peak of pandemic, Hawkins muses of needing an antidote for quarantine-induced loneliness over a breezy, psychedelic R&B instrumental.

We had the chance to catch up with the young creative, chatting on an array of topics ranging from his Southern musical roots, life realizations during quarantine, and the albums accompanying him on a hypothetical stay on a deserted island.

 When did you first realize you had a gift for music?

Jordan Hawkins: First time I sang a solo in church, when I was eleven or twelve, seeing how people genuinely reacted to me singing. My mom just told me to get up there and sing. And when people told me how it moved them, I realized I had a gift.

Growing up in the South, do your roots influence your style?  

Most Definitely. I feel like specifically, gospel, blues, and honestly, the best R&B comes out the south. Anthony Hamilton came straight out of North Carolina. So many other greats came from the surrounding area.

Did you start singing or playing guitar first? Did the two niches always naturally coexist?

I began singing first, started playing guitar around seventh grade as well. At the point that I started writing songs, I began writing on piano first. But by the time I started playing guitar, that switched over to my primary instrument when writing songs.  

You can only bring three records to deserted island, which records are you bringing?

Channel Orange, Continuum, & Voodoo. Voodoo, I appreciate how D'Angelo blended the super soulful vocals with great musicianship throughout that album. I’m a longtime fan of John Mayer, and I feel that Continuum was super influential in inspiring me to keep getting better at guitar. Channel Orange, it’s the stories for me. It’s a record I always go back to to see how impactful songwriting is.  

You're from North Carolina originally, how did you end up pursuing music full time in Los Angeles?

I moved out to Los Angeles five years ago to go to school at Pomona College. Once there, studying economics, I discovered that music was my true passion and what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.  

Tell us about your time at the Royal Danish Academy of Music in Copenhagen. How did your time there influence you musically?  

I really honed in on production and mixing during my time out there. I had a personal teacher and made friends with students in the masters program that had been there for awhile. Through them I was able to learn and pick up a lot, which allowed me to come along much quicker.

What was the inspiration behind "Daydreams"?

I wrote this record at the top of quarantine when I was going through bouts of feeling isolated. There was a desire to feel a sense of connection with others, and from that Daydreams was born.

And "Sunset"?

I also made this during quarantine. It was my frist time on acid and I was literally watching the sun set when the idea for this track came to be.

Is there a full length project on the way?  

Yes.

Tell us about your quarantine experience… any life realizations or new hobbies?

The biggest realization is recognizing the importance of having people around you that have your genuine best interest in mind. As for hobbies, I’ve been taking more trips to the beach. I’ve been playing a whole lot of spades with my roommates. And I definitely enjoy watching sunsets more now too.

Who are your Ones to Watch?    

I’m really fortunate to have a lot of really talented friends who are also artists as well. A few that come to mind include Hello Yello, Santos Silva, Maryann Vasquez, Tempest, BK Habermehl, Mills, and Reggie Becton are a few that come to mind. Definitely go and check all of them out.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BXIQVY1Fb54

[onestowatch]

Jordan Hawkins: Gen-Z’s Neo-Jimi Hendrix [Q&A]

Virtuosity in the creative space is a long upheld ideal in our society. Though the role of the artist has changed significantly from the time of classic virtuosos like Mozart or Liszt, our infatuation with such lofty levels of creative actualization is tried and true. Achieving virtuosity is a combination of nature and nurture, as raw talent is only a skeleton without the famed 10,000 hours necessary to achieve expertise in a field. Hence the stories of these creative geniuses often begin in humble settings, where our future virtuoso is some form of a student with an insatiable desire to learn their chosen craft.  

This is the story of 23-year old artist, songwriter, and multi-instrumentalist Jordan Hawkins. Hailing from North Carolina, he grew up singing in church, shortly after picking up the guitar, honing his musicality amid the spiritual setting. Often dubbed the Neo-Jimi Hendrix, this comparison is well-deserved, as his years of self-instruction and later formal education at the Royal Danish Music Academy are exemplified by his striking mastery of his instruments.    

Upon moving to California and graduating from Pomona College, Hawkins took the leap of faith into the City of Angels, with the hopes of an artist career rising over the horizon. Following the hustle of live gigs and consistent writing amongst the Los Angeles creative community, Hawkins was discovered by multi-faceted music company Since the 80s, home to the likes of EARTHGANG, Dreamville, Njomza, etc. 

Embarking on the next phase of his career with dual single release “Daydreams/Sunset” written during the peak of pandemic, Hawkins muses of needing an antidote for quarantine-induced loneliness over a breezy, psychedelic R&B instrumental. 

We had the chance to catch up with the young creative, chatting on an array of topics ranging from his Southern musical roots, life realizations during quarantine, and the albums accompanying him on a hypothetical stay on a deserted island.

Ones to Watch: When did you first realize you had a gift for music? 

Jordan Hawkins: First time I sang a solo in church, when I was eleven or twelve, seeing how people genuinely reacted to me singing. My mom just told me to get up there and sing. And when people told me how it moved them, I realized I had a gift. 

Growing up in the South, do your roots influence your style?  

Most Definitely. I feel like specifically, gospel, blues, and honestly, the best R&B comes out the south. Anthony Hamilton came straight out of North Carolina. So many other greats came from the surrounding area. 

Did you start singing or playing guitar first? Did the two niches always naturally coexist? 

I began singing first, started playing guitar around seventh grade as well. At the point that I started writing songs, I began writing on piano first. But by the time I started playing guitar, that switched over to my primary instrument when writing songs.  

You can only bring three records to deserted island, which records are you bringing? 

Channel Orange, Continuum, & Voodoo. Voodoo, I appreciate how D'Angelo blended the super soulful vocals with great musicianship throughout that album. I'm a longtime fan of John Mayer, and I feel that Continuum was super influential in inspiring me to keep getting better at guitar. Channel Orange, it's the stories for me. It's a record I always go back to to see how impactful songwriting is.   

You’re from North Carolina originally, how did you end up pursuing music full time in Los Angeles? 

I moved out to Los Angeles five years ago to go to school at Pomona College. Once there, studying economics, I discovered that music was my true passion and what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.  

Tell us about your time at the Royal Danish Academy of Music in Copenhagen. How did your time there influence you musically?  

I really honed in on production and mixing during my time out there. I had a personal teacher and made friends with students in the masters program that had been there for awhile. Through them I was able to learn and pick up a lot, which allowed me to come along much quicker. 

What was the inspiration behind “Daydreams”? 

I wrote this record at the top of quarantine when I was going through bouts of feeling isolated. There was a desire to feel a sense of connection with others, and from that Daydreams was born. 

And “Sunset”? 

I also made this during quarantine. It was my frist time on acid and I was literally watching the sun set when the idea for this track came to be. 

Is there a full length project on the way?   

Yes. 

Tell us about your quarantine experience... any life realizations or new hobbies? 

The biggest realization is recognizing the importance of having people around you that have your genuine best interest in mind. As for hobbies, I've been taking more trips to the beach. I've been playing a whole lot of spades with my roommates. And I definitely enjoy watching sunsets more now too.

Who are your Ones to Watch?    

I'm really fortunate to have a lot of really talented friends who are also artists as well. A few that come to mind include Hello Yello, Santos Silva, Maryann Vasquez, Tempest, BK Habermehl, Mills, and Reggie Becton are a few that come to mind. Definitely go and check all of them out.

Check out “Daydreams” / “Sunset” below! 

[hallie-fics]

author spotlight - restlessqueenx

“If you get yourself killed doing this,” Harry murmurs, his hand on the back of her neck, his forehead warm where it's leaning against hers, “I will never ever forgive you.”

- Someday I’ll Need Your Spine to Hide Behind @restlessqueenx

it’s not hard to note the fics that define a fandom. this author has written three, three defining stories. the amount of love and respect i have for them is immense, and i was honored to be able to ask and receive answers for these various questions regarding everything from their writing process to favorite hallie headcanon. 

this is only the first in a series of interviews done with hallie authors. if there’s anyone who you’d like to see, please message me and i’ll get that sorted out right away!

the q&a

*quick note, I tend to shorten my titles when talking about them because I always pick such long titles, so I may refer to Someday I’ll Need Your Spine to Hide Behind as “Spine,” It Feels Like Winter Follows You Around as “Winter” and Screaming at the Stars as “Stars”

Favorite of your stories (and why)

I think, at least right now, it has to be Someday I’ll Need Your Spine to Hide Behind, because it’s complete. Also, because Winter (Harry’s POV) wouldn’t exist without it (I had never intended to write it, and it just sort of happened), and Screaming at the Stars is probably more in the vein of what I normally write, but I can’t decide how satisfied I am with it until I wrap it up.

Easiest story to write

Probably Screaming at the Stars because it just sort of showed up as this emotion in my chest and I knew I wanted to put it down on the page. Spine was pretty time consuming because it’s canon divergent and I was constantly having to check scenes to get the dialogue/descriptions right. I wanted to use as much of canon as I could, but that meant that I couldn’t really write it if I wasn’t home with the episodes available. Winter was (is) difficult because of how dark of a headspace I sometimes have to get into with Harry. Stars is overall a much lighter emotional space to access.

Hardest story to write

Spine, just because of how much work it took to weave the canon with the canon divergence and reframe scenes. Winter is easier because (even though it does include some scenes that aren’t in Spine) I have the blueprint of Spine to refer to, and I reuse some sections of it word for word to highlight the difference in POV when it diverges. Winter is definitely emotionally heavier, but it’s less tedious work.

Pre-writing process (if any)

For me, it depends a lot on the fic. With Spine, the very first thing that came to me was “What if I wrote a soulmate AU where the only thing that indicates that is that wherever you fall asleep, you always wake up where your soulmate is?” Then I thought, “Could this be set in the canon universe? How would that potentially just twist around or change what we’ve seen?” And everything spiralled out from there. I didn’t really outline initially, I started writing it, just to see where it was going. Then I ended up having to go through every episode and watch each Harry, Allie, and Hallie scene and write basic outlines of the dialogue and what happened in those scenes so I could start to figure out how to adjust the scenes/story to fit the soulmate AU idea. I’m not very patient about outlines, so I mostly just bullet point brief descriptions of what I need to write and then re-examine the scene as I’m writing. I’ve never written something that relied so heavily on canon before. It’s a lot of work and I’m really impressed by people who do it regularly. So Spine’s pre-writing was basically an idea on a twisted trope (I don’t know if I’m the first person to think of it, but I’ve never read a soulmate au with the basis of Spine before) and then watching/transposing the canon scenes. Winter didn’t really have any since I had Spine as a basis. Stars I started thinking about while taking a shower and I just jumped right into it.

What drew you to Hallie?

I love ships that I see potential for, but aren’t all neatly worked out immediately in canon. And I love ships that I feel the characters have a lot of potential to grow and change as individuals within the relationship. I was a little unsure about Hallie at first as I was watching the show, because it took me a while to work out how I felt about Harry in general, but I just see so much potential for a great story between them. And, to be quite honest, Kathryn and Alex just have loads and loads of on screen chemistry, they just light up with each other in scenes. Sometimes actors just have that with each other and it’s almost hard to look away.

Hopes for season 2

Growth and help for Harry! I’m okay with having to wait for romantic Hallie (presuming we get more seasons) as long as keeping them apart feels organic and true to the story (and not done solely for tension & keeping the audience coming back), but I need to see Harry receive help (I get that he can’t get professional help in these circumstances, but he really needs people who are genuinely looking out for him and trying to help him) and to also grow as a person and make better decisions/amends for some of his actions. I want Harry to have friends/people who actually care about him. While I really love Kelly’s character, and appreciate that she’s tried to keep an eye out for him, I think Harry needs people in his life outside of just an ex (and obviously outside of Campbell) and that’s pretty much all he’s had for a while. Harry’s so isolated in season 1, and I don’t see him being able to develop much (in a positive manner) if he continues to be so isolated in season 2.

Favorite line (or lines) that you’ve written for a hallie fic/ a section that you’re really proud of

From Spine, probably my favorite pieces are-

Allie tells him to leave like it matters, like come morning she won't find herself curled in his bed, close enough to feel his body heat. She tells him to go, because she wants to hate him, thinks she deserves to hate him, but she doesn't. And that's even worse.

And then the end, which I wrote long before I actually got to it. Specifically-

“There's probably a world somewhere,” Harry says, and his voice rumbles through his chest, against her skin, “where we never worked any of this out, and you and I are on opposite sides and always will be.”

“Probably.” It wouldn't be hard, she thinks, to have ended up somewhere else, anywhere else. They fought for this, a small sliver of peace in a fucked up world. It might be all they get.

“I'm glad it's not this one.”

“Me too.” Under her cheek, his heartbeat is steady, in sync with hers.

From Winter my absolute favorite section so far is the flashback to Harry when he’s 13 & deals with his familial relationships. I also am pretty happy with-

Allie is simultaneously fragile and hard as steel, one for a moment, the other the next. Harry doesn't understand it, how she can bear to wear her feelings to blatantly on her face, how she survives without a protective shell to keep her safe. He could never do that. She doesn't burrow down inside herself, she burns. He almost can't even watch it. Harry doesn't know what he is, but he knows Allie is something else entirely.

And-

She lets out a little shaky exhale. “I don't know how to hate you.”

Harry wonders how that can be. It's easy, he wants to say, if she doesn't already, all she needs to do is crack open his ribs, see that dark void yawning underneath, that place he falls into. But Allie isn't like him, even her darkest moods and thoughts are full of fire, casting light. Allie burns things down, she doesn't swallow them up.

He tells her the truth, one he's known for a long time. “I do.”

And, finally-

She's not starlight or sunlight or candlelight, she's a forest fire. When she leans into him, skin fever hot and her nails biting into his shoulders, he wonders if her inferno could burn the darkness right out from behind his ribs. Harry thinks he could be reduced to ashes, but he'd still let her try.

From Stars, I’m a little less sure, but I do like this part-

Just outside the doors, she catches a glimpse of Harry, head thrown back, laughing, his friends crowding close to him like moths to a flame, like they can't help it. Harry's always been magnetic. Allie remembers his face in the moonlight, the way she'd felt compelled to lean closer. It wasn't her fault; if you get close enough to Harry, he draws you into his orbit, planets rotating around a sun, basking in his light. Even now, her feet ache to drift in his direction. Those aren't her friends, he's not her friend anymore, but his gravitational pull is strong.

What type of Hallie stories do you like to write/read? (canon divergence, modern au, soulmate au, etc)

I’m an AU girl at heart, which is ironic considering 2 of my 3 Hallie fics are canon divergent. But really, I’m a big fan of AUs, almost any of them, I love them so much. I think I get more and more attracted to them the further I get into a show (the more seasons) because canon gets more confining as you have more of it. I think the kind of AU I like the most depends on the ship. I like soulmate AUs (obviously, I wrote one, lol) for Hallie because they have a history of not being super fond of each other & it’s a great way to force them to interact.

Favorite Hallie trope?

I think…. maybe Bed Sharing? You may notice that I write it into like everything I write ever. I just love the intimacy of it and the conversations people can have late at night in the dark or sleepy in the early morning. I dunno. It’s a thing for me, I guess.

Favorite Hallie headcanon?

I haven’t written it into anything (yet), but I have this mental picture of Modern AU Hallie getting really competitive about playing boardgames with each other. That has a soft spot in my heart.

How long have you been writing for?

Pretty much as long as I can remember. The first thing I can remember writing (like thinking I was seriously writing something people would want to read) was this ridiculous story about unicorn royalty when I was about seven years old. I never finished it, but I think I actually did write like at least a couple thousand words before I quit. I have hundreds of beginnings of original works, literally several hundred, but most of them are only a few hundred words. My parents always encouraged me to write, so it was just something I did pretty much ever since I physically could.

How has your writing style evolved over time?

Oh, I’m not even sure where to begin with this. Because I’ve been writing since I was really young, it’s definitely evolved a lot, some of it just through age and getting a better grasp of language, and some of it deliberately. I think when I was younger, I tried really hard to mimic the styles of writers I liked, and I’ve definitely moved away from that as I’ve gotten older and found my own voice. I’m not trying to sound like anyone in particular now. That’s not to say I don’t find other writers influential, I certainly do, but I’m not actively attempting to write in someone else’s style. I think everyone who writes is always evolving. You can’t help but be influenced by everything you read and absorb.

Do you ever worry about how your stories are received?

All the time. I only have 3 works on the restlessqueen AO3, but I think I’ve posted about 25 fanfictions over various platforms/accounts for various fandoms and ships, and I get nervous about them every time. Whenever I write something, I usually get this glow of like “Oh, I’ve done something and I like it!” and then that sort of slowly wears off and I start to just question everything about it. I don’t know anyone who feels 100% confident about the stuff they post. I think I’m a little less nervous about it than I used to be, because people have been very kind to me for the most part (I have one old fic from around 2012/13 that got a couple of comments that still haunt me a bit, but other than that I’ve had good experiences) and so that’s helped ease some of my fears. I think what makes me the most worried now is when I post something and I just don’t get much feedback or it takes quite a while for responses to roll in, because I’m always thinking like “is it really so bad no one has literally anything to say?? Is it that bad and I didn’t realize it?” Also, I’m a bit insecure about my descriptive writing, I feel like I don’t do a very good job of describing location/setting, and it’s something I’m working on. I’m always a little scared someone will say they basically just didn’t get any sort of mental picture from what I write.

What’s the hardest part of writing for you?

Focus. I have so many ideas always bouncing around my head, but I get distracted super easily. I can’t ever seem to only do one thing at a time. If I’m writing, I’m definitely either listening to music or sometimes even playing a podcast in the background because it’s like if there’s any free space at all in my brain, I just completely lose my ability to do anything. It’s a big struggle for me. I actually write with the most focus when I’m supposed to be doing something else. I wrote 150k worth of an original piece by writing when I was supposed to be taking notes in history class in high school. In fact, a lot of my fanfiction has been written during lectures, because somehow if I’m supposed to be focusing on something else, I’m almost always the most productive version of my writing self. I wish I were different, though.

Do you get writer’s block and if so how do you deal with it?

Ugh. Unfortunately. I’m not great at handling writer’s block, tbh. Sometimes I just don’t write for a long time. I think reading can sometimes oust me from it, but not always. The worst is that occasionally I have to just push through it and write my way out of it (which basically means just writing really uninspired crap until I manage to find some inspiration again). I do think that talking to someone about what I’m working on is a big help, though it’s not always an available option. I’m part of a writing group, and I usually feel really inspired after we’ve had a writing discussion.

Biggest risk you’ve ever taken as a writer?

Wow, this is actually a really hard question. I feel like I’m not a big risk taker, and this is making me wonder if maybe I should try to take more writing risks. I guess most recently it could be creating the restlessqueen AO3. I made it because I have written quite a few fics for a pretty large fandom and I had gotten comfortable within that space and I thought it would be good for me to step outside of that world for a bit. I think it really has been, too.

again, the biggest of thanks to @restlessqueenx for doing this with me! to anyone who hasn’t read any of these fics, please do so immediately. each of them are amazing and i will never step recommending them!

[vicisse]

on the darkling

listen. i totally understand the mixed opinions on this guy. i’ve pretty much resigned myself the fact that my opinion is and should be mixed. the darkling is the kind of character that is equal parts despicable and almost relatable—relatable and not redeemable. 

the man is a walking contradiction, and so is my opinion of him: i love to hate him, and i hate to love him. 

this post is meant to take a crack at the utter enigma that is the darkling and really break down his character. 

“The Darkling is a manipulative person, so why do so many people like him?”

i can’t speak on behalf of the whole fandom, but for me personality, i like TD in the sense that he is a complex character. does that mean i excuse the atrocious things he did? absolutely not. he is still an abject and detestable character. but i can still analyze and delve into the intricacies and reasoning behind his actions and find it interesting. 

(and besides, from a purely leisure-based perspective, TD is an entertaining character! i mean, he’s awful, but he’s also awfully petty. for a supposedly intelligent character with a vast amount of experience, he sure gets tripped up on the words and actions of a mousy teenage girl.)

some people, though, like to reduce TD to the bad boy/asshole who goes “soft” after meeting the girl of his dreams. not only does that trope grate on my nerves, it is also a far cry from the actual dynamics at work. 

not only has leigh commented on how she wanted to subvert the trope that a female love interest can make a bad man better (in regards to the relationship between alina and TD, at least), but she has also made it clear that TD would not change for alina. 

for all the times he reveals a little bit of truth to alina... well? it’s just that. a little bit of truth. it’s really another manipulative tactic: lies mixed with a little bit of truth, a classic TD move. he knows that alina is lonely and preys on that loneliness, talking on and on about how she isn’t like her friends, how none of them will ever understand her the way he can. 

“I’ve seen what you truly are,” said the Darkling, “and I’ve never turned away. I never will. Can he say the same?”

another reason why TD is fascinating to me is because he is so good at what he does that he manages to manipulate readers, too. they think he’s good for alina, or that alina will change him, that she was stupid for turning down a chance to step into power. 

(i beg to differ, though that is a whole other meta—on alina. this is about TD.)

TD is a compelling character because his very existence elicits so many questions: 

Why is he so obsessed with Alina? Does he actually feel anything for her? If he wants her so badly, why doesn’t he stop his quest for world domination and have a little more compassion for humanity?

Why did he make the Fold?

Why is he—well—Like That?

let’s go backwards, starting with Why is he Like That? well, the answer is easily: Baghra. 

her parenting is questionable, to say the least. i don’t doubt that she loves her son and genuinely wants the best for him, but “the best” gets warped with the times. in the early years, “the best” meant heeding her lessons, accumulating fear and power so no one could hurt them—hurt him. 

it isn’t until after the whole shadow fold debacle that baghra’s all “maybe the best is seeing my son come home,” because the monster who was peeling away strips of his humanity year after year is no longer her son. i mean, TD spent a good part of his formative years learning at her knee, truly heeding her words:

“I taught him that he had no equal, that he was destined to bow before no man. I wanted him to be hard, to be strong. I taught him the lesson my mother and father taught me: to rely on no one. That love—fragile and fickle and raw—was nothing compared to power.”

at the time, the latter certainly holds true. TD scarcely made friends, as baghra also warned him to be wary of touch (they’re amplifiers, after all), which is a pretty big part of socializing and human interaction. what does he need love for?

in order to make a difference, make the impact he desired, TD would have to climb a lot of rungs to step into a position powerful enough to commit to reality the dream he’s carried: to make a safe haven for grisha. 

but now his dreams have since been warped by time. 

it’s hard to fathom just how long TD has lived because we don’t know how long he’s been around. still, factoring time into the equation is helpful when it comes to understanding TD’s motivation. 

anger is certainly a huge motivator, and something that only festers on and grows with time, twining itself with resentment and bitterness and underneath it all: loneliness. anger, directed at a world that spurned him and people like him. anger, at a world that always, always took from him—because he must have loved someone at some point. he tells alina, 

“I have lived a long life, rich in grief. My tears are long since spent. If I still felt as you do, if I ached as you do, I could not have borne this eternity.”

and the loneliness, the burden of immortality, the curse of it. to watch the people you love taken by a world that spurned grisha, or worse: to watch them live long enough to die of old age while you remained unblemished by time, to repeat that cycle over and over again and bear the brunt of loneliness each and every time. 

“But wait,” you might be thinking, “doesn’t he have his mom?”

well, yeah. there is baghra, but... you have to understand: she’s the one who taught him to be that way. she was the one who taught him to rely on nothing and no one but himself. and also? who would want to spend eternity with a cold and distant mother? 

“Boo hoo, poor immortal character is stuck being lonely. Is that supposed to excuse the horrors he committed? I get lonely, too, but you don’t see me annihilating a whole town.”

no, not at all! this is just providing a reason behind it, not excusing it. understanding does not equal tolerance. TD is despicable, true, but i’m just pointing out:

a life in isolation + immortal life + grand ambition to change the world = disaster

it isn’t enough just to be grisha; TD is also an amplifier, so he was hunted by other grisha. that isolating existence combined with the long stretch of time he can live is already enough to strip you of what little humanity you have. add on the fact that TD once dreamed of changing the world, to make a safe haven for people like him, grisha, and the fact that baghra essentially raised him to rely on power and believe that the world is his birthright... yeah. disaster. 

of course, the real disaster here is TD, but apparently, disaster spur more disasters because he also made the shadow fold. so, Why did he make the Fold? honestly, it confuses me, too. 

see, when alina asks that, baghra tells her that the fold is no accident, which leads me, the reader, to believe that TD planned on splitting ravka in two in order to sanction fold crossings, which would get the king to rely on his second army, his grisha. buuut, leigh has also said in a couple Q&As that the fold was merzost gone wrong... to be honest, it’s probably both?

like yes, TD tried his hand at merzost and failed on a scale of epic proportions, but leave it to him to figure out a way around his mess. like sure, he wasn’t able to make his own amplifier (though why he would need more amplifiers when he is himself is an amplifier is beyond me), but he probably figures, hey, i can use this, and does. which brings me to the last stretch of questions:

Why is he so obsessed with Alina? Does he actually feel anything for her? If he wants her so badly, why doesn’t he stop his quest for world domination and have a little more compassion for humanity?

he’s obsessed with alina because she’s literally his answer. to everything. 

if he wants to cross the fold? alina. if he takes over ravka for many centuries and the people start to protest? alina, the revered sun saint, will subdue them.

so what if alina isn’t as powerful as he is, won’t live as long as he does? he supposes now is as good a time as any to whip out old grandpa ilya’s journals to get his set of amplifiers on her. 

she’s the amalgamation of everything he has ever searched for, ever wanted. and maybe that’s why a lot of people conflate those strong feelings for love, but the thing is... TD? loving someone? feeling anything? i have to laugh. 

that’s another thing about TD. when it comes to emotions, he’s not as emotionally stunted as some people make him out to be. 

he strikes me as a very introspective character. it doesn’t make sense to me that someone who’s lived so long is so out of touch with their emotions. he is, in a way, but i also think he is aware and merely chooses to ignore, push down, or disguise it as something else entirely. he’s not emotionally stunted, he just thinks some emotions are inconvenient. unpleasant. annoying, even.

the thing is, TD has lived a really loooong life. he doesn’t feel loneliness the same way any of the other non-immortal characters do. no, his kind of loneliness manifests itself without feeling, numb from the centuries of having nothing and no one to depend on but himself. 

i’m not saying that TD doesn’t love alina—though honestly, i could never imagine a world where he acknowledges he does. besides, it doesn’t look like what is the ideal definition of love as we see it, but it’s as close as he’s gonna get.

love is a tricky, flexible thing; and it isn’t always good or bad. ideally, love should be good, but. it’s like a friend pointed out to me: a controlling mother can tell her child, “i love you, so you have to do what i say,” but she isn’t necessarily lying. she does love her child, but she uses it as leverage to manipulate—another classic TD move. 

now, i never quite answered why, then, if he wants alina so badly, doesn’t he stop his quest for world domination and have a little more compassion for humanity? short answer is: it’s impossible. 

i’ve answered an ask before, on TD and the possibility of a redemption arc, but again: it’s impossible. i mean, imagine holding onto a grudge for years. years. at some point, it’s not just a grudge, it’s just you, holding onto your anger, some kind of injustice you feel but can no longer identify. 

it’s like that with TD, but x100000000000000000000. i might even be missing a few more zeroes, to be honest. 

TD is many things. stubborn, selfish, arrogant. arrogance plays a big role, because his ego is, frankly, the size of the shadow fold. someone who’s as self-righteous as TD isn’t going to readily admit he was wrong this whole time. 

the fold is one thing—but that mistake he could rectify, work around. if he were to admit that he was wrong for doing all this grand planning, plans he spent centuries building up to and waiting for, it would all go to waste. it would all be for nothing. at the very least, he has to see some follow through. 

and another thing: he’s not about to give up a centuries’ long ambition for one (1) mousy girl who is too stubborn to acknowledge her own potential. forget it! 

he might love alina, but he will always love power more.