#at least then ill feel vertigo With A Purpose <3< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[cillyscribbles]

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              tequila sunrise

    🕯   fix my withdrawal   🕯

          and also make this

  🕯      munkustrap i'm        🕯

            drawing rn serve

      🕯     so much cunt      🕯

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[ryouverua]

Chapter 4 Investigation (Part 2)

Things are never boring with this lovable scamp as your partner!

Man that was a quick turnaround, Himiko! Though I have to say, your avatar is quite cute...

also seeing all the icons against each other makes me laugh because Shuichi and Himiko have the most defined lashes omfg and Miu... programmed/designed them all to be that way...

Yeah, I really do think someone snuck here to log Kaito out. Tsumugi was distracted or something? Maybe? Kokichi would have had access to it, being that he was right near by in the salon...

And then, about an unexpected yet surprisingly hilarious interlude involving maps - 

NO SHIT, NOT-SHERLOCK

So the Kaito-centric dynamic of our little three-person group is that obvious, huh...

MORE OF GAMER SNOB TSUMUGI KTHNX

mystery solved she was filled with such potent angry nerd rage that she murdered Miu over the graphics you can’t tell me that isn’t plausible

I’m. Baffled???? 

also of course, more hilarious exchanges

Okay, uh, I.... was not expecting to find this? And I’ll be honest, I have no idea how it would fit in at all. Or why it’s over here. I’m just... gonna... put that on the back-burner for a bit.

I feel like me not knowing why it would be there is still better than K1-b0′s theory. 

Oh right, Kaito was logged out before it came back. And now we’re talking about the direction of the river, and how the sign got washed over against the river flow, but I’m not too worried about that? Like I said, I feel like from a game design standpoint it would make sense for the river to loop right-to-left so items and/or people wouldn’t be accidentally lost if they fell in and went off-map.

DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!

.... then the avatar stays ‘active’ in the VR world. I suppose it’s a somewhat poetic ending for Miu in that sense - her avatar’s presence will be an immortal legacy in here, or at least until the VR world itself ends. 

Ooooh...??? We’re going to hear about this before the trial?

WHERE KAITO WAS....

I think some of the pieces are starting to come together a bit in my head.

Probably to give her a chance to sneak off and find a way to the other side - and I bet since she modified the world, she knew ways to do that. Maybe that board beside her?

OH WELL FUCK MY ORIGINALLY THEORY OF SOMEONE GOING BACK TO THE MANSION TO LOG KAITO OUT

goddamnit Miu just casually throwing a cellphone into the mix

HOW

DARE

YOU

MADAM

oh oops I guess I shouldn’t speak ill of the dead huh

OH and also she had a hammer which you know, should be a very pressing issue considering the implications of Miu having a weapon-like object on her when everyone else was defenceless but I AM STILL STEAMING ABOUT THE CELLPHONE

bOYFRIENDS god they’re so cute look at their blushing sprites i’m dying.....

Ah good, at least that part I got right.

.....

Um. Shuichi. Did you, uh, give him a heads up about what you were going to do when I blinked or....?

SHUICHI COMMUNICATION IS VERY IMPORTANT TO ASTRONAUTS AND FOR HAVING A GOOD RELATIONSHIP

AND ESPECIALLY FOR HAVING A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH AN ASTRONAUT

“It’s easier to ask for forgiveness than for permission.” Somehow I think it’s still going to be hard...

Oh man imagine being thrown out of the game when you’re sick the way he is 8′D The vertigo, the sudden potential nausea/lung pain, etc...

A-Aaaaw! Poor Kaito - he keeps getting logged out, left behind and just generally tossed aside - for that matter, he’s been called an idiot for a decent amount of the game and spent half of chapter 3 stuck in his room, sick and terrified. Shuichi didn’t mean to leave you behind, Kaito! He’s just an awkward introvert who doesn’t know how to communicate, promise!

Oh man, is that salt I’m detecting in our Ultimate Astronaut?

Anyway, we already knew that the lattice was from the roof so when he talks about something being missing, it wasn’t hard to figure out what it was. Also, the lock can only be done from the outside, so you can’t get locked out of the roof, but you can get locked/stuck on the roof itself.

Aaaw Himiko 8′D You get attached to things quickly too, huh? I can relate a little too well. are your tabs and room a mess too

Alright, Maki’s here on Kaito’s behalf because Monotaro wanted to show us more info. It’s kinda weird having him on our side, even if it’s temporary, but hey, any help at this point is good!

Damn, Maki’s still here with those back-handed compliments. Still, that might be one of the nicest things she’s said to Shuichi so far. Baby steps! yeah you might not want to sound like Kaito but he’s definitely rubbing off on you

OMG HE’S STILL SALTY ABOUT THE LOGGING OUT THING

Man it’s really weird to see that icon with Maki. But hey, at least she’s trying to help them fix things rather than stew in jealousy like earlier/stay mad at Kaito about leaving her in the chapel. 8′D

Aaaaand back to the real world!

“For example, there’s me, your beloved!”

"SOMEONE GET ME A HELMET, I’M GOING BACK INTO THE VR WORLD.”

“Turn around so I can put a ‘Kick Me’ sign on your back! It’s what you deserve!”

“Wait, that doesn’t say ‘Kick Me’, that says Saiouma is endgame OTP -”

“Oops! I lied. Still putting it on you, though.”

Interesting pause and neutral face here...

..................

Oh. But.... it can only be locked.... from the outside. So there’s no way he was locked out unless he was physically blocked.

I think I 100% caught him in a lie here.

Schrodinger’s Kokichi Ouma....

“LIFE PARTNERS! EMBRACE ME, AIBOU -`”

“Ouma I swear to -”

Oh fml I’m starting to get an awful feeling - p-please stop referring to it as sleeping, it’s.... really feeding into my theory that I thought was wild but is starting to become less and less crazy-sounding in my head...

D-Don’t you trust in your sidekick, bro? D:

Omfg you just know Miu is the type to put a ton of aside comments in her code and it’s all vulgar...

Yup, true. Confirmed.

Either for defensive... or offensive purposes.

Apparently the cellphone was another object she choose not to delete as well. Man Miu, your post-humous impression on everyone is looking kinda bleak! Now that I think about it, I remember noting her panicking after that flashback light. I’m starting to think she might be the person I was looking for who would fit the ‘desperate to get out of here’ bill.

That’s an odd detail. 

Yeah, I guess I did originally figure that was the case. So there was probably another point of entry on the ‘outside’ edge, like the looping river.

Wait what?! Doesn’t that mean she is unbreakable?! Did she think it would make her impossible to kill or something???

I mean... it’s gotta be the one acting as a barrier to ‘outside’ the map, right? I guess it makes sense that if the river can loop, maybe the whole map itself does. That explains why we could hear K1-b0. Was there a secret entrance along the wall that everyone ignored because they thought there was nothing beyond the wall on either side?

MIU LIED SWEETCHEEKS, THAT AIN’T JUST SOMETHING KOKICHI, YOU AND KAEDE CAN DO

OoooooOOOOH

OH

OH..........

MIU...

Girl I think you played yourself

Whelp, that just solved a huge chunk of the questions I had!

Wait what??? Now that is pretty unexpected. It’s starting to raise some interesting possibilities though. 

Yeah, that’s the face I would have if I found out I had been unwittingly sabotaged. 8′D Oh Miu, what in the world were you up to... 

Oh?

.... No

no no no

no no no no no

no

no

no

NO

NO

NO EXPLAIN THE ERROR EXPLAIN IT RIGHT NOW

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN ‘BING BONG’

NO

EXPLAIN THE ERROR

DON’T LEAVE IT AS A MYSTERY

WE HAVEN’T MADE ANY REFERENCE TO THE WIRES CROSSING IN THE HELMETS

NO

NO NO NO NO NO

FUCK YOU I THINK I KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING AND I WON’T STAND FOR IT

BECAUSE THERE MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN AN AVATAR ACTING STRANGELY IN THE GAME, BUT THERE IS SOMEONE USING VAGUE ENOUGH LANGUAGE AND REFERRING TO THE WORLD AS A ‘DREAM’ AND THE ACT OF LOGGING IN AS ‘SLEEPING’

AND CONVENIENTLY DID NOT LOG IN THE SECOND TIME

DON’T

YOU

FUCKING

DO IT

DANGANRONPA

NO FUCK YOU MONOKUMA LOOK AT ME WHEN I’M CURSING YOU OUT

First Miu’s schtick, now Himiko’s - is there any persona you won’t steal this chapter?

GONTA................ GONTA, NO I’M SUDDENLY DEATHLY AFRAID FOR YOU AGAIN.......

FML Kokichi has the right attitude that no one aside from Shuichi seems to have and

and

fuck

I.... if I’m right, this is not going to have the triumphant ending the last one had... not at all -

omg Himiko you sound like me

uHH

OMFG -

IT’S WAVING IN THE WIIIIIIIIIIND

BRB guys I need to temporarily find a way into the DRV3 game so I can give Himiko a huge high five.

Man I don’t know if Kokichi knows who the culprit is, but I think he is way too excited about the idea of harassing Kaito...

And Kaito knows it.

Ugh, there really is, huh? That’s why I find the vibe i so weird after the third trial. You just get used to feeling how they all interact with each other, there are all these different personalities and - poof. Gone. And suddenly you get a lot more from fewer people, and the world just seems so much larger and emptier.

I-I MEAN.... YOU’RE NOT WRONG, BUT....

Man, the way they’re all cheering him on should be heartwarming and encouraging but it’s kinda freaking me out a little bit? Is that weird?

give him a back massage. you know, between bros.

omg Kokichi are you Shuichi’s agent now or something?

“SORRY KAI-WHATEVER, MR. SAIHARA IS A VERY IMPORTANT MAN AND IS TOO BUSY TO BE BOTHERED BY THE LIKES OF YOU ~ “

Kokichi my boy, you really need to work on your flirting game.

“BRO!”

“BRO....!”

I’M SORRY I’M WEAK FOR ALL THIS ‘BRO’ TALK

That seriously sounds like a threat. 8′D Gosh though, you’re really not having it with Kaito today, huh? Now that I think about it, with Miu gone you and Kaito are going to be the strongest personalities in the trial. This is gonna get interesting...

a;sdlkfja there’s so few of them... oTL

Yeah, she really did. And man did she leave a big impact. Even if she wasn’t my favourite character of the bunch, she had a surprisingly interesting dynamic with a lot of the others and she definitely wasn’t forgettable. It’s going to be weird not to have her around. To think that I originally thought she would get knocked off within the first two chapters... 8′D

Alright so, notes - and as usual I’ll transcribe because my writing sucks. I did doodle some stuff too though ~

Left side of the map (mansion):

Shuichi/Tsumugi (together)

Kaito - roof/logged out 1 hour before

Kokichi

Gonta

Right side of the map (chapel)

Maki

Himiko

K1-b0

Miu * - dead, but also with the ability to cross sides

So I drew out the map both ways - once, the way it is in the game, and two, with the left/right side against each other and the loading screen as the ‘walls’ on the outside. I’m guessing that was the original map. I’m guessing the added wall was the barrier on the edge of the game map.

In the real world, they were seated like this with the computer at the top of the semi-circle:

Gonta                     Maki

Himiko                   Kaito

Tsumugi                 Shuichi

K1-b0                     Kokichi (with poison in his seat)

Miu

So now that the stages are set:

First, the so-called obvious culprits and other red herrings:

Kaito

Man, someone was pushing to set Kaito up and I think that may have been Miu. It would be one thing if my original speculation about the lobby phone being used by the culprit to log Kaito out was one thing, but once the cellphone was found on Miu there really wasn’t any ambiguity left. He was definitely logged out remotely. It would have been interesting if she had logged him out via lobby phone and her wall-crossing abilities, but maybe the writers thought that could have been too hard to work out...

Kokichi

He’s been acting hella suspicious but once that paralysis feature got revealed, he was knocked out of the running. 

Miu being on the chapel side - solved by her avatar being classified as an object. Did the culprit know that too? I guess if Tsumugi could spot her through the window, Miu wasn’t exactly being subtle about her presence on the other side.

Poison - another red herring. No bloodshot eyes

Before I go on, you’ll note I circled a name on the ‘alive’ list, then drew a VERY unhappy face, and just kinda went NOOOOOOO in caps because

FML I THINK IT WAS GONTA...

Is he the one that got the error code? He thinks it was all a dream - did he accidentally switch the wires? It did say the wires were for ‘memory’ and ‘consciousness’, and what better example of that is a fading dream...

Anyway, I’m going to get back to that ^ because I’m still like..... ugh. I have logical reasons that point to him, but emotionally I’m a bit of a wreck. So honestly, it sounds like Miu tried to kill Kokichi. You can see I underlined it in caps in the bottom right corner. 8′D I’m thinking Kokichi knew it was coming somehow? I’m not sure if it was just when they agreed to meet on the rooftop or before then, but I’m wondering if he set up Gonta as his bodyguard, knowing full well that Gonta has been slowly driving himself mad because of his inability to protect the people around him. I love Gonta, but he can get irrational when he gets emotional aka a certain insect-related incident...

As well as that, we have confirmed alibis: Tsumugi was with Shuichi, Kaito was out of range, Maki/K1-b0/Himiko were together, and Kokichi would have been paralyzed on contact. By process of elimination (which is so, so cold), Gonta is the only person who could have done it in the game - and we even saw him alone at the end, didn’t he?

So I’m wondering if it went like this...

Miu makes a move against Kokichi via their meeting

Gonta moves to protect Kokichi out of desperation and grabs her by the neck

She was definitely strangled, aka her expression/body position - Kokichi couldn’t do it because of the paralysis though, so it had to be someone else

Maybe Gonta didn’t realize his own strength, because he was rendered as weak as everyone else and he took the fact that he was nerfed to heart?

and/or maybe he just didn’t realize he killed Miu because he didn’t know he could in this world

pushed her off the roof via, uh, rolling up that lattice.. fencing... stuff sorry I don’t know I’m picturing her little avatar being wrapped up in fencing like a sushi roll and it’s making me laugh and sent her to the other side where she hits the chapel wall

can ~lie~ to us so well because he can’t remember his time in VR - he keeps referring to it as ‘sleep’ or ‘dream’

So that would explain why Kokichi seems to be dancing around us like he knows everything, but man... he’s also seriously ragging on Gonta despite Gonta saving his life??? And him basically using Gonta as disposable protection??? I’m a little scared about exactly what that means for Kokichi and his character, damn...

B-But even still, I can’t... quite... reconcile this in my head. Kokichi is literally the only person I can think of that has any sort of antagonism with Miu. Honestly, anyone else killing Miu is hard for me to imagine - which I guess is maybe the point? And the reason they ‘equalized’ everyone’s strength wasn’t to make Gonta easy to kill like I thought it was when we first went in there, but to make a physical murder like strangulation more difficult for him when he’s at the same strength as everyone else. So I mean, on a meta level/technical level, it does make sense! But - but - Gonta! How can it be Gonta! On a cold hard logic level I feel like it’s all sound, but emotionally.... oTL

I.... don’t......... want to...........

fuCK IT I’M GOING BACK IN TIME PRECIOUS BUG BOY I’M GOING TO FINISH KAITO’S FTE’S THEN I’M DOING YOURS

[overthinkingkdrama]

Old Souls

{A Scarlet Heart: Ryeo fan fiction}

Set immediately after the end of episode 20.

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Jin Woo would have rather remained by the lake shore than heed the voice that told him he needed to go. Staring out at the water made him melancholy, certainly, but also nostalgic. For a beautiful memory that he couldn’t quite recall. And he didn’t care for once whether that memory was his or should be his, so long as he could remain in this place.

But Professor Choi’s voice intruded on the solitude of his world and, like a hand on the small of his back, compelled him to move on. Deeper into the palace complex, toward a cluster of brightly painted tile-roof structures.

The farther he moved from the lake the colder it grew. There it had been late spring, but by the time he stepped into this desolate courtyard it was the dead of winter. A light snow had begun to fall and his breath was rising before him in white clouds.

He looked around for any signs of life. The colorful livery of eunuchs or court ladies striding briskly up the path about some errand. Bearded ministers in their palace attire, or even a few stationary guards standing at attention. But there were none of these. The palace was eerie in its emptiness.

Of course, he thought, they’ve all gone and left me here alone.

Even in its emptiness, the palace grounds felt somehow hostile. As though an unseen force didn’t want him there, and would have driven him out if it could. Had it been up to him he would have turned back right then and let the palace keep its secrets. But he couldn’t ignore the guiding voice in his ear that urged him forward.

Finally, he came to stand at the base of a tower, and from there he couldn’t see its top. He wasn’t sure if always been there or if it had just appeared without his noticing. At the sight of it, Jin Woo’s heart was gripped with fear. At the top of that tower, he knew, he could find the source of this fear. Only by facing it could he end it. But he hesitated. He nearly ran away.

Yoon Jung’s voice cut through, “Enter.” It said, “Climb.”

Jin Woo obeyed.

The ground floor of the tower was unremarkable. Lined with shelves, each stacked with books. There were all kinds of quiet nooks in this place where he could hide himself away for hours and read undisturbed, and he had whiled away many lonely days that way. Most of these books he had read through at least once. Yes, even the lewd ones the room’s owner used to hide among the other works of philosophy and military strategy.

A brief smile crossed his lips, remembering.

He looked around at the far-fetched inventions that person had always been trying to show off. There was the one that allowed a man to see across great distances and one that supposedly allowed a man to fly like a bird. All nonsense of course. But when he was a child there was nothing he liked better than to listen to that man’s fantastical stories.

But walking among the shelves, there was no sign of the old Astronomer.

He would need to climb higher.

He walked around for some time before he found the stairs that brought him to the next landing, coming to a stop at one end of a hallway bathed in fuchsia light. The walls were hung with rich fabrics and Jin Woo could almost hear old echoes of laughter behind the paper screens. He walked directly to the last door on the hall and stepped inside. The floor of the room was strewn with loose sheets of paper. Jin Woo had to walk carefully to avoid crushing them underfoot. Picking one up he studied an ink drawing of a woman, by her hair and apparel she seemed a gisaeng. Hardly a surprise. The 13th prince visited the gibang often to draw the girls and was a great favorite there. Glancing around, however, these sketches all appeared to be of the same woman.

She was never smiling, and her eyes appeared to him unutterably sad. Looking at them Jin Woo felt an unaccountable sense of regret, though he couldn’t quite remember the reason.

The window was open onto a night view of Son’gak’s red-light district. Lanterns lined the streets. Beneath the window stood a lacquered table littered with ceramic bottles of rice wine. Some were chipped and overturned. Jin Woo picked one up and looked down the neck.

Empty.

He glanced around once more, but there was no sign of the one who had once sat there pouring drink after drink for both of them into the early hours of the morning.  His first friend in the palace. The first among his brothers to treat him as such.

Him too, Jin Woo thought, he’s gone like the rest of them.

He left the room, a little heavier in his heart than he had been when he entered, and the stairs were waiting to take him higher still. He climbed, though this time he seemed to climb much longer before he came to the next landing. But when he reached it he caught the scent of incense and aromatic herbs that hung in the air and drew him onward.

That scent sparked something in him, and he quickened his pace, his body carried him where he wanted to go as though he’d followed the same path hundreds of times. And he knew he had. He passed through the circular doorway and entered her room. He glanced around, heart beating hard, trying to keep the smile from his lips at the thought of seeing her face.

But she was missing too.

Laid out across her worktable were a series of small pots of pigments, brushes and powders. As though by force of habit he began mixing them like she had taught him, testing the color on the soft flesh of his wrist and stirring the mixture again until the foundation came out smooth and even.

Had she known even then that she was going away? Was that why she had thought to teach him?

“What do you need it for?” Yoon Jung’s voice intruded on his work. Though it sounded fainter than before.

“She made it for me.”

“For what purpose?”

It was an invisible mask she made for him to cover his…to cover his…He reached up with a jerking motion and touched the left side of his face. How hadn’t he noticed, all this time, he’d been wearing that horrible leather thing? Plated over like armor, rough against his skin. How long had it been there? Yes, I’ve been wearing this for a long time now.

“Why wear it if you don’t need it anymore?”

“I need it.”

“Why?”

“So I don’t forget.” Jin Woo said with a quaver in his voice. “Wherever she went. No matter what world she’s in…I’ll wear it so I won’t forget to find her.”

“But if you’ve found her again, don’t you think you should take it off now?” The professor’s voice was growing so quiet, Jin Woo had to strain to make out the words.

He reached for the cords that fastened the mask to his head. He couldn’t seem to untangle the knot, and his fingers were trembling. Up, he thought, I must keep going up if I want to get this thing off. He rushed from the room without Yoon Jung’s bidding this time.  He had to search for the stairs, but when he found them again it wasn’t long before they brought him to the next floor.

This room, unlike the ones before it, was horribly bare. Save for a bed at its center. The smell of bitter medicine and death hung thick in the air.

Try as he might to step quietly, the sound of his footfalls echoed like a long roll of thunder as he crossed the room. As he approached the bed his chest felt tight, like a cold hand was gripping his heart and his breath would only come short and labored.

He still heard Yoon Jung’s voice, “Jin Woo? Don’t go quiet on me. What are you seeing?” But he felt as though he was too far away now, even if Jin Woo called out, he felt the professor would not be able to hear him from this place.

Beneath the blanket he discerned a shape, as of a slight, huddled figure. Almost imperceptibly Jin Woo could make out the rise and fall of its breathing. He sat down on the bed’s furthest edge. By his feet a bowl had appeared, it held the decoction he’d come there to give her. He picked it up and held it between his two unsteady hands. He felt a scream creeping up in his throat as he did so, but he swallowed it back down and forced himself to yank back the covers.

Empty.

The room had grown frigidly cold. The bowl, coated with frost, slipped from his fingers and he moved to hug himself. The sound of the china shattering on the floor was like a gunshot in the silence of the room, startling him, and starting tears in his eyes.

“Oemmeoni,” His voice shook.

Before his imagination Jin Woo could clearly picture the last time he’d seen his mother’s face. He could see her leaning over a suitcase lying open on her bed, eyes flickering, mouth set, as she silently inventoried everything she would need on her journey. It seemed she was planning to go very far away. He floated like a ghost by her bedroom door, watching.

At the same time, these memories intermingled with Wang So’s last vision of his own mother. Looking up at him from this very bed. All he’d wanted to do was nurse her to health, to feed her from his own hand. But she had preferred starvation to accepting anything from him. Jin Woo gazed now at the imprint she’d left behind in the bed. Her body had grown so frail and thin by the end.

The two memories came through so sharp, yet so starkly different. One on top of other, like a superimposed image, and watching it play out made Jin Woo feel ill. A sensation not unlike vertigo.

In his own faded memories of that day he had always imagined tears in his mother’s eyes. Now he saw clearly, that her eyes were dry and distant. He realized it was him who was crying. That that would be his mother’s last memory of his face, and his stomach suddenly clenched with unwanted shame. He thought he’d known, even at that time that she wasn’t ever coming back for him. But that hadn’t kept him from waiting for her. From trying to become the kind of son she had wanted. Hoping against hope.

But then, hope had always been a trap. For the both of them.

Jin Woo could feel how his mother had pressed her last kiss hard onto his forehead and brushed passed him toward the back door of their house where a car was waiting for her, without once truly seeing him. But he could feel, also, Queen Yoo’s fingernails, digging into the scar on Wang So’s face. The spite and…yes, the terror in her eyes as he’d loomed over her in her final moments.

She hated you, he thought, until her dying breath she hated you. But you were so desperate for her to look at you. Were you happy to have her to yourself like this? Did you think you could force her to love you?

Jin Woo thought the professor was calling for him, though he could no longer hear him over the noise in his own head. He knew he couldn’t go back yet. He’d already noticed another door on the other side of the room. He was supposed to go back to the stairs, but he didn’t want to climb anymore. Deeper, off the path, into the places where the secret things were hidden. That’s where he needed to be.

He rose and moved toward the door. In the echoes of his footsteps he thought he heard a distant tap, tap, tap of a fountain pen against the hard oak arm of a chair.

He picked up his pace.

As he stepped through the door, the room behind him went dark and disappeared. Suddenly there was no room behind him. No door. Not even a wall. Only an infinite corridor of blackness.

The niggling sensation that someone was calling his name, ordering him to wake, had ceased. And with it the certainty that there was even something to wake up to. All that remained was here. All that was here was a raised dais and on the dais was a seat, broad, carved with dragons and gilded flowers.

The only light that could be seen surrounded the platform. A scarlet glow without any apparent source. The space all around him was too dark to even be certain where he was stepping, the ground didn’t feel solid, but on faith he crossed the distance in half a dozen strides to reach and mount the dais and stand before the throne.

Soo was right, he thought, it is frightening. Jin Woo had felt at once that this was the source of all his uncertainty. His reason for being here: the seat of fear. It was easy to imagine the throne cursed, especially in that sanguinary light. He thought that if he could walk away, even then, there was still a chance that he could forget this place and live. As only himself, just Jin Woo and no one else. But he could feel that alien desire blooming in his heart already, bursting at the seams. An ancient greed that had been waiting for him all this time, to swallow him whole.

Bracing for whatever would follow, he took his place upon the throne. As he sat there, looking out into the void, many things finally became clear.

First, he realized he was always going to make it here. He was fated to make the same choices, over and over again. Surviving by himself and damning himself in the process. There was never any difference—no matter how much he’d looked for one—between him and the King. In the end they were the same. Wang So was Jin Woo. And always had been.

The mask fell away all on its own. Unbidden the words came to his mind: No matter how many times you die and are reborn, you will eventually have to pay for what you’ve done.

In front of him lay a sword and a seal. Both came into his hands like they belonged there. He gripped them, remembering what it had been like to wield them. How powerful he had felt. The fear in his enemies eyes, heads rolling in the courtyard, his hands slick with warm blood. Far from being horrified, he felt a familiar, animal smile taking possession of his features. The wolf dog’s smile baring the wolf dog’s fangs.

From the corner of his eye he saw a pile of scrolls, petitions and letters stacked neatly, waiting for his perusal. His stomach twisted again with an awful anticipation. He set the sword aside and took up the first letter that came to hand. Tearing away the silk sheath addressing to him in his 14th brother’s hand. His eyes devoured the page of hanja, characters Jin Woo couldn’t read and yet understood. Characters identical to the king’s own handwriting. Longingly, painstakingly so.

Do you still think you don’t have my whole heart and resent me?

I yearn for you so much, but I can’t be with you…

I’ll be waiting for you…

Every day…

A cry tore from his throat. The blood from his fingers was soaking into the page. Somehow a red darker than ink, consuming Hae Soo’s last words to him. She had waited, but he had been too late. Forever he would be too late, forever unable to come to her. No hope, no cure, just grief without end.

The earth fell away beneath him. The throne, the red light, the blood and the letters, everything was torn away from him now. Until he was left, perfectly alone, suspended in a sky full of stars.

And the stars were burning.

Burning like a white tree engulfed in flame.

Burning like the wolves of Shinju.

Burning like the poison coursing through his veins.

The stars filled his vision, stars you could only see in Goryeo. They overwhelmed and undid him. He understood at last, as if it was written there in the sky. Why Wang So had tried to block him, why Ha Jin hadn’t been able to tell him the truth, why the mudang had warned him that chasing ill-fated love could only end in calamity. He understood as clearly as if someone spoke the words in his ear.

No matter how many times you die and are reborn, you will eventually have to pay for what you’ve done.

He began to fall. Down and down and down. Faster and faster. Darkness poured into his senses, until it was the only thing that remained. Darkness, and the reverberating tap-tap-tap of the Yoon Jung’s pen.

“I’ve been dumped, haven’t I?” Ha Jin had her head down on her folded arms, as she whined piteously into the tabletop. “This is a breakup.”

“If you want to have this discussion right now, Noona, you’re going to have to sit up and talk so I can understand you.”

Ha Jin and Min Ki had acquired beer, soju and fried chicken and staked out a table on the rooftop terrace of his building. Knowing what his first impression of her must have been, Ha Jin had slowly set about trying to win over Jin Woo’s closest friend. She wanted him to like her for Jin Woo’s sake and, though she didn’t admit it, she really wanted her best Goryeo drinking buddy back.

So far, Min Ki had been willing enough to oblige, so long as she was buying. Though for the time being their outings felt less like making new friends and more like gathering intelligence on enemy forces. This charming young man was playfully antagonistic and Ha Jin felt as though she was in the middle of a lengthy auditioning process for the part of Jin Woo’s girlfriend.

Tonight was different, though. Tonight it seemed they’d both come out with ulterior motives. Their reason for being there, the object of their mutual affections, had fallen off the map and they both needed to know why.

Ha Jin turned her head to look at Min Ki, who sat beside her with legs crossed beneath him, waiting expectantly for her explanation. She sat up too fast and her head swam pleasantly. Her cheeks were hot. She’d thought Min Ki had been keeping pace and had just about as much to drink as she had, but aside from a little bit more color in his face, he appeared very much the soberer of the two. Had this been his strategy? Getting her drunk and pumping her for information about her relationship?

Whatever the case, it had worked.

“I just don’t understand it at all,” She started in, wagging her head from side to side forlornly, “What did I do wrong?”

“Start from the beginning, Noona. I’ll help you figure it out.”

She chewed her bottom lip, thinking back to the fight that had marked the change between them. She’d tried to decode Jin Woo’s actions since that night a thousand times, but she couldn’t understand them. She knew that something was wrong, and it had started with Jin Woo trying to recover the rest of Wang So’s memories. At least at first, he had gone through the motions of trying to make things seem like they were normal. If he’d cancelled their date night, he made sure to reschedule and show up at her door with flowers in hand. If there was something unspoken behind his kisses, at least he would still kiss her.

But as time went on something had shifted. He’d grown distant, hard to read. If she wanted to hear his voice, she always had to be the first to call. Texting became perfunctory and mechanical. She wondered if it was all over the memories from Goryeo. Maybe he was feeling guilty for not being able to remember, or maybe he thought she was disappointed that he couldn’t.

“I’ve done my best to reassure him,” She said to Min Ki, “That I don’t need that from him. That I’m fine with him just as he is. But whatever I said, I could feel him slipping through my fingers.”

Suddenly, as though a switch had been flipped, she’d stop hearing from Jin Woo at all. There were no messages, no more plans to postpone. All her calls went to voicemail. And no matter how many times she went to his apartment, he never seemed to be home.

“It’s only thanks to you and Professor Choi that I can be sure he’s still alive and hasn’t decided to skip town. But the professor won’t tell me what’s up. You’re the only person I could think to talk to. Hasn’t he said anything to you?”

Min Ki shook his head, looking grim. “He’s been odd, though. Distant. Like you said.”

“I feel like he’s trying to tell me it’s over and maybe I should just take the hint but I—I just can’t. I don’t want it to end like this.” She tipped forward and began to cry soppily into Min Ki’s shoulder, which transitioned after a minute or so into a reluctant hug on his part.

“There, there.” He said, giving her a few awkward pats on the back. He let this go on for some little while before clearing his throat, taking her by the shoulders at arm’s length, “Listen. Hyung and I have been friends for years. I like to think I know him pretty damn well. He’s not the kind of man who would ghost on a woman to break up with her. Let’s say he didn’t care for you anymore and he wanted to end it, he would make himself tell you so to your face, even if it killed him. Whatever this is, it isn’t that.”

Ha Jin sniffed, “Really?”

“Really.” Min Ki nodded kindly, dropping his arms and staring off. “Instincts tell me this is about something else. I’ve seen him use this tactic a couple times before, usually with his family. It usual means he’s feeling overwhelmed, out of control, or like there’s something gnawing at him that he can’t share with anyone else.”

Though his reassurance that this wasn’t a breakup had calmed her somewhat, this new information threw her into a new tailspin of anxiety.

What could it be that was so bad Jin Woo didn’t feel like her could bring it to her? “Could it be that he remembered something?”

“What could he have remembered to make him act like this?” Ha Jin could think of one or two things, but she didn’t say so. “I mean, who’s to say this has anything to do with that in the first place. Think carefully. Put aside all your magical time-slip gaesori for just one moment look at it like a normal couple would. Is there nothing between you two that might make him…I don’t know, feel a little insecure?”

Ha Jin sat back, trying to think about the times when the two of them were just a normal couple. She wrinkled her cold nose thoughtfully, breathing on her fingertips to warm them. Winter was over, but perhaps the spring nights were still a little too cold for drinking out under the stars. It wasn’t easy to sort through the mundane moments between them. Her soju addled mind had to stumble all the way back to the night she’d had dinner with Jin Woo’s stepmother.

She felt her face suddenly go crimson as a thought occurred to her. “Oh no…”

Min Ki was watching her steadily as he took a sip of his beer, pointing an index finger at her around the can as he swallowed, “See?” he said, “I knew there had to be something. What is it?”

“It’s just…Jin Woo kind of told me…well, he told me he loved me.”

Min Ki crooked an eyebrow.

“And I…I maybe haven’t officially said it back.”

“How long ago was this?”

Ha Jin could only shrug.

Min Ki surprised her, cackling loudly, “Well that’s it then. I mean, it’s gotta be right? You know how much I adore the guy but come on. He’s not someone with such an overabundance of self-confidence, that he could just shrug rejection like that off—”

“It wasn’t rejection!” Ha Jin spluttered, “At least, I didn’t mean it that way. The way he said it, and when…seemed like it just slipped out. Like an accident.”

“To the best of my knowledge, Jin Woo-hyung has said those words to a girl once, maybe twice. In his life. That’s not the kind of thing he would just put out there without having thought about it for a long time first.”

Ha Jin thought about what Min Ki was saying, and she couldn’t find fault with any of it. As he went on her shoulders dropped lower. “I just…lost the moment. And then it never seemed like the right time to answer him and—”

 “But I mean, Noona, you…you do love him, don’t you?”

Ha Jin felt the tears start back in her eyes, and she almost sobbed, “I do. I love him…so much.” She quite nearly fell to crying into Min Ki’s shoulder again, though he narrowly managed to stave her off.

“That’s good then. That’s better than good. You just need to tell him that.”

“How do I do that when I can’t even see him?”

At her question a fiendish grin spread over Min Ki’s features, “Oh, don’t you worry about that. I know just how to scare him out of his hiding place. I have a method that has never failed.” With that pronouncement he hopped to his feet, snapped up the two remaining bottles of soju, tucked them under his arm and started heading toward the door back inside.

“Where are we going?” Ha Jin asked, sweeping up an armful of trash as she scrambled to follow him.

Min Ki called back over his shoulder, “To plan a kidnapping!”

A short time later Ha Jin and Min Ki were huddled up on his couch in front of his laptop, hammering out all the details of Min Ki’s surefire method, as well as finishing between the two of them every last drop of alcohol left in the apartment. In reality, the whole thing was a perfect blur, though Ha Jin did remember how terribly pleased they had been with themselves.

When she woke up on the same couch with a beam of early afternoon sunlight hitting her full in the face, Ha Jin had a blinding headache, a bank account deficit and a fool proof, 100% non-refundable kidnapping plan laid out before her. Barely six days later, Ha Jin was no longer in Seoul. She was sitting on the ample porch of a rustic hanok pension, gazing across at the West Sea, kicking her legs out in front of her so the wind rustled her long floral skirt.

Her heart was perfectly healthy in this time, but it was hard to believe that with the way it was racing. Her palms were sweating and she couldn’t stop fussing with her hair. No matter how much water she drank her throat still felt parched. She kept telling herself she had no reason to be scared, but it had done no good. She was petrified.

At least she could admit that this place Min Ki had found for them was impeccable. Just the right combination of isolated and luxurious. A little island with a sleepy little village on it and a pension right on the water. An out-of-the-way destination for honeymooners and romantics who didn’t want to pay Jeju prices, or so the reviews had boasted. The ahjumma that ran the place with her two daughters didn’t say much, but she smiled a lot while leading Ha Jin to her room. One room. With one bed in it. Min Ki had been very confident of their plan being a success.

Ha Jin had arrived early in the morning since there were only two ferries that ran to the island each day. She had come by the first one, as planned, Min Ki and Jin Woo were supposed to arrive by the second later that afternoon. “I’ll find a way to ditch him at the dock and he won’t be able to get back to the mainland until at least the following day. Then the rest will be up to you, Noona.” He’d said, with a wink.

She had no idea what tale he’d spun to get Jin Woo to follow him clear out here, but she didn’t doubt it had been a spectacular feat of persuasion.

When she’d landed, after dropping her bags off in her room, she’d tried to find something to occupy herself for the several hours before the next ferry. She tried to settle at a café at first, but she found that she couldn’t sit still, nor did she have an appetite. She wound up taking a long walk all over the island to try to work off her nerves. She only came back when her calves were burning. Still she had no calls from Min Ki and she was beginning to wonder if something had gone wrong already. A squall seemed to be building on the horizon. Or maybe it was just her imagination, like the growing presentiment of a coming calamity. She was almost convinced that she was in the midst of making a terrible mistake, but it was too late to turn back now.

She went inside to hide from the horizon and her own anxious thoughts, refreshing her makeup in the mirror and adding one more superfluous coat of gloss to her lips. From bathroom she could hear her text alert buzzing.

It was from Min Ki. “Phase 1 of Operation Saranghaeyo is complete,” it said, “I’m off. Fighting!”

Then does that means Jin Woo is already headed this way? She ran barefoot back out to the porch, scanning the beach for a glimpse of him. After a few minutes, still at a distance, she caught a sight of that familiar silhouette which fixed her to the spot. Jin Woo was moving up the beach from the direction of the dock. White shirt rolled up to his elbows, light tan slacks rippled by the breeze, and two suitcases in either hand.

Her heart was in her throat, as she smoothed her dress with her hands. At first his eyes were on the ground in front of him, but at last he glanced up and the sight of her appeared to arrest his gaze. He slowed and stopped and the suitcases slipped from his hands, hitting the dirt. He was still far too far away to read his expression. But she needed to know how he looked. Was he shocked? Angry? She hurried forward to meet him, still a dozen paces away when she noticed something was wrong and it froze her in place again. His eyes looked different. Unreadable. There were words in his mouth, but he didn’t speak them. And then she realized something else.

“Hae…Ha Jin-ah.” He said at last. There were tears in his eyes, rolling down his face.

With a voice full of concern Ha Jin crossed the little space that remained between them, “Jin Woo…what is it?”

He reached up with one hand and touched his cheeks, as though he was as startled as she was to find tears there. With an embarrassed motion he half turned and brushed them away with the back of his hand before facing her again. “Nothing. It’s not…What are you doing here?”

Feeling the heat creeping up her neck, she raised her arms and waggled her fingers by her face in a lame rendition of jazz hands, “Surprise…” Her voice was shy and uncertain.

Jin Woo gave a little smirk, glancing upward, “I guess I should have been more suspicious when Min Ki insisted on a sudden stag trip, just the two of us.”

“Are you…mad?”

“No.”

“Then what’s wrong?”

He looked at her, his expression so much graver than Ha Jin was prepared for. He seemed to be trying to hold something back, struggling to do so. “I guess…I’m just realizing how much I needed to see you again,” Then, so suddenly that the motion almost scared her, Jin Woo looped an arm around her waist and pulled her into a tight embrace. Speaking in her ear he said, “I can’t explain, Ha Jin-ah, just how much I’ve missed you. God, I missed you.”

[Chapter 11 coming soon!]

[ncfan-1]

ncfan listens to The Magnus Archives: S1 EP034 (’Anatomy Class’), EP035 (’Old Passages’), & EP036 (’Taken Ill’)

A bizarre kind of comedy episode (at least it is to me), and lots of juicy, juicy plot.

No spoilers past Season 1, please!

EP 034: ‘Anatomy Class’

- There is something bizarrely hilarious about the story this episode. Yeah, the seven ‘students’ killed at least one person and drove a professor to suicide, but there’s just something so ridiculous about beings who are pretending to be human but are so bad at it that they have to take an anatomy class, and can’t hide it well enough to keep their professor from noticing. And they used placeholder names, and presumably had to exert a considerable amount of supernatural influence (presumably the same influence that keeps more people from noticing that they’re really bad at pretending to be human) to keep people from noticing how off that is. It has all the makings of a weird, gory comedy.

- Here is, I believe, our third statement so far given directly by the statement-maker. This time, it’s a college professor who seems more than a little rattled by everything that happened to him.

- And now we have our first indication that people from outside the Institute know there’s an infestation problem.

- So Dr. Elliott walks into his class to find it populated entirely by pod people. He takes this as well as you might expect.

- The fact that these people are so uncanny and that there seems to be a lot of supernatural “interference” radiating off of them (the fact that Dr. Elliott can’t remember what any of them looked like, and the fact that he didn’t notice anything odd about their names) makes me think a little of Not-Graham. At the same time, though, their ability to manipulate their own bones puts me in mind of Jared Hopworth. I wonder if a bone turner could create a new person from pilfered bones and black magic.

- The detail about Dr. Elliott suddenly being able to hear them breathing is… something. Although he doesn’t seem to want to think about it, the fact that he could only hear them breathing after a certain point implies that they weren’t breathing before.

- They’re very brazen, these seven, altering their bones right in front of the professor, when they must know he can hear them, and probably guess what’s happening. It implies that they are very secure in their ability to escape any and all consequences, which means it’s just as well that Dr. Elliott never confronted any of them about what he had been seeing and hearing.

- I’m sorry. I know the thing with the hearts is supposed to be horrific, but it’s funny. When I listen to this scene, I find myself close to snickering by the end.

- What really makes it funny is that the ‘students’ were polite enough to clean up the lab after they coated it in blood.

- And the tooth-apple is so bizarre I start giggling to myself when I think about it. Jonathan’s reluctant “Did you… eat it?” just makes it even better. Why would they do that? How would they do that?

- I know there’s no reason to believe the other professor didn’t commit suicide, but the first time I listened to this episode, I’d assumed he was so bad at teaching to the ‘students’’ satisfaction that they had killed him, and left that note because they thought that even his corpse would be worthless for educational purposes.

EP 035: ‘Old Passages’

- This is another favorite, not least because we have another appearance of Gerard Keay, and because I think this is the first episode where we’re really presented with a vague outline of the other forces at work in the world besides humanity.

- So I looked them up (being an American, I don’t know these things off the top of my head), and apparently Pall Mall is a swanky shopping district/home to prestigious clubs. The Reform Club is one of those, a private club that was men-only until 1881; if Wikipedia is to be believed, it was the first of London’s gentlemen clubs to open its doors to female members. It’s a popular haunt of political progressives.

- Robert Smirke was a real-life architect. As best as I can tell (I didn’t dig too deep; I don’t have that kind of time), his association with the occult is native to The Magnus Archives.

- And here comes Gerard, a skinny teenager in 2002 with a band t-shirt and a portable CD player. I had one of those. I’ve noticed that people heavily associated with the supernatural shrug a lot.

- The implication here seems to be that Mary Keay sent her kid down to some incredibly dangerous tunnel network to pick up a Leitner book for her. Lady, why don’t you do that yourself instead of sending your kid to risk his neck? What the hell.

- I think this is also my first semi-direct glimpse of Jurgen Leitner, and he sounds about as sketchy as I had thought he’d be. “Some things are too powerful to be owned.” And yet you’re meddling with them anyways.

- “Can you smell it?” Can Gerard sense the supernatural, or something?

- I wonder what the scream was about.

- There are fourteen passages out from the star, including the one Harold, Rachel, Alf, and Gerard went in through. And several of those fourteen are extremely reminiscent of entities/phenomena that’s been experienced in other statements in Season 1.

1. The one they walk in through out of the basement gives Alf and Harold a sense of claustrophobia, similar to ‘Lost John’s Cave.’

2. One is so dark that the flashlights could only penetrate a couple of feet before the light failed—‘A Father’s Love’ and ‘Growing Dark.’

3. One, if you look into it, makes you feel like you’re falling into it—the sense of vertigo induced in some readers by Ex Altiorā in ‘Page Turner.’

4. One makes you feel like you’re burning—‘Burned Out’ (and ‘Confession’), and the later ‘Burnt Offering.’

5. Pages covered in cobwebs—‘Arachnophobia’, ‘Burned Out’ (Tangentially).

6. The one Gerard runs down to get the book has walls covered in what is almost certainly blood—‘The Man Upstairs’ and ‘Killing Floor.’

7. One has at the end of the corridor a stranger Harold was certain meant him harm—the Not-Them, perhaps, seen in ‘Across the Street’, and later in the finale.

So… Fourteen passages, fourteen parent entities? Or was that just Smirke’s assumption?

- Jurgen Leitner has definitely been messing with things he shouldn’t have been.

- The inscription on the date stone, “Balance and fear,” makes the audio distort.

- I wonder if there’s any significance to Robert Smirke having built this in 1835.

- The book Gerard grabs seems to drop small animal bones behind it; this is almost certainly the book the ghost of Mary Keay (if that was even Mary Keay at all) showed Dominic Swain in ‘Page Turner.’

- I’d say the owners of the Reform Club know at least part of what’s up with that star and those passages, for them to insist that the builders rebuild the wall and not pry into it any further. So what’s up with them?

- “And I can’t help but wonder whether that was where they were found, or just where they were stored.” Which suggests that Jurgen Leitner’s books are far more vital to the plot than even past episodes would suggest.

- Tim’s interest in architecture, and Robert Smirke in particular makes me wonder if said interest will come up again.

- Smirke wanted to design churches? Uh, Jonathan, I wouldn’t be so certain he wasn’t designing churches, or at least chapels, considering the one we saw in ‘Growing Dark.’

- I think this is the first time we see worms loose in the Institute building.

- The last bit of the episode is devoted to Martin running into two deliverymen who it’s safe to say are from Breekon & Hope, delivering something to the Archives. Which is fairly ominous, to be honest.

EP 036: ‘Taken Ill’

- This one has a great atmosphere to it.

- As Jonathan pointed out, the way Nicole talks about her fears, and about insects and decay, and her use of the phrase “bleed into” is very similar to Jane Prentiss’s narration in ‘Hive.’ I get the impression that perhaps whatever was behind the deterioration of the nursing home in this episode is connected to the Flesh Hive, or is perhaps part of the same parent entity. After being touched by the pus oozing from that corpse, maybe Nicole got a flash of that visceral feeling, too.

- This one is kind of hard, because both of my grandfathers live in nursing homes. My maternal grandfather has dementia and can’t be cared for at home. It would be perhaps more accurate to say that my paternal grandfather is in assisted living; he’s close to ninety and has gotten to be very frail, and after he had a stroke, he decided he needed to be somewhere he could get immediate medical attention if something went wrong again. I don’t like the idea of someone exploitative taking over their homes.

- “I don’t know why I wrote ‘disease’ just then.” I think I do.

- It’s interesting that Alenka was still trying to call Nicole after the nursing home was decommissioned and John Amherst came in and started enforcing the “new order.”  It sounds like he tried to enforce that new order unilaterally, without the consent of at least some of the staff who remained after it was decommissioned.

- The detail about the heat is important to the episode, I think. In my experience, the summer heat is oppressive, and especially so because summer here is so humid. It’s thick and close and cloying; the air is too damp for your sweat to evaporate and cool you off, so it just sticks to you while you get hotter and hotter and hotter. I’ve heard it’s very humid in the UK as well, so I imagine summer feels much the same there as it does here.

- I’m guessing John Amherst is one of those people who’s only human in appearance. I can’t see any normal, conscious human not reacting as a fly crawls over their eye.

- It sounds like Amherst was trying to turn the entire building into one big pus-oozing wound.

- The fact that the pus could make Nicole’s skin burn even through a (presumably latex) glove gives the lie to Amherst’s claim that what killed Miller wasn’t contagious. If you didn’t automatically assume he was lying, that is.

- Nicole’s uncle seemed to grasp at least part of what had happened to Bertrand Miller. Why the calls he made didn’t result in the nursing home being cracked down on, I can’t imagine—I can only assume the reasons fell under some category of “Not my problem.” At least he tried, anyways.

- I can just imagine the uneasy pall over everything as Nicole drove back to Ivy Meadows that last time. I can just see the sky turning red as the afternoon grew older and the shadows growing—no breeze, nothing to break the rolling walls of heat. Just still air, so close it’s hard to breathe.

- The detail about the plants turning white reminds me of the plants in front of the farmhouse in The Colour Out of Space.

- Alenka banging on the window, it becoming clear her last phone call was a last-ditch cry for help, is a horrible moment, even before the flies enter the picture. Because we just see her. What about the residents still trapped in the building with her?

- It’s clear that the man who tackles Nicole is Trevor Herbert. This is the first time since ‘Vampire Hunter’ that we’ve seen someone out and about with the explicit purpose of hunting down and destroying supernatural threats (Well, asides from Gerard Keay, but there’s a caveat there in that I can’t tell if he proactively hunts them, or if this shit just sort of happens to him). They’re thematically linked, and the physical descriptions match up. This, despite the fact that Trevor Herbert is supposed to be dead. Don’t know who the woman with him is supposed to be; I hope we’ll see her again.

- The fact that John Amherst doesn’t seem to even officially exist further suggests that whatever he is, he’s not human.

- “Workplace accident.” Yeah, sure. I hope, at least, that getting rid of the hand means that the infection can’t spread any further.

- And Jonathan finds out about the deliveries. The smaller of the two packages is a lighter with a spider web design on it, and the larger is… worrying. The table from ‘Across the Street.’ Oh, that’s not good.

[passitonandon]

The purpose of keeping this private to ONE DAY SAY “I am a writer” and “an artist” and why was this so hard.  THE DENIA of safety means everything is questioned & why I make choices based on what I’ve learned.  

The past is beautiful again : TY #words

This being to relevant to everything, I’m going to make a connection fortify a new ring, circle, hoop, a record sings on replay, grateful now my mind words this way statements I can recall easily that have much more meaning, are the links to make the strongest bonds, the ones done covalently so taking this post with knowledge of writing it for the purpose over there, finding times I have to hold two thoughts, edit in my brain, push keys, stand still, have to think up words, like poof, in air!  Getting my voice is not done easily, going to try and explain this, easy 1, 2, 3 and it also quells the panic growing up in my, from he tingles in my face and spine, it’s like a solid rod I can’t define, if my butt starts to spasm I’ll lose my mind so put it over there & now go back SAFELY, go ahead, you can do it, push rewind.

Write a intro for the feeling “ in the moment” noting physical sensations starting with strongest felt (sharp, acute, burning) to less so (numbness, sensitivity to touch) and then good spots (often my legs feels sturdy)

Read what was written making editing comments : minimize to things you want to recall for later that can help e.g. emotional flared up, body pain became noteworthy, feel free to delete anything that is not relevant to right now or future or is readable or “clear” and has a purpose in keeping. 

Recall other moments when making choices were successful & try to connect something to make both memories stick so that you’re habitually feeling capable (this is the connection made to another dimension while manually doing it while conscious to see if it kicks more anxiety to the curb?” note: ever since someone said anxiety & ptsd are not related, I became terrified.  There is simply not enough knowledge on topics that big decisions are being made affecting lives.  Those making decisions seem to have the least empathy & if not sure if it matters, it does to lil lives every day in mini societies called schools.

The Past

When you feel like you have nothing, are nothing or unsure what meaning is, you can still offer kindness & beauty & you can start right now!  It cost nothing & effort is minimal.  We all require attention, care & concern.  Those most in need do see & feel the subtleties when others turn away, are talked about.  I know because to a disorganized/anxious/depressed mind, words are confusing & meaning’s felt first having been both advocate & patient--split between two worlds & at a time found myself somewhere in-between listening & watching the sh&#iest behavior unfurl.  I’m so glad that’s not me [I got out!].  More than putdowns & contradictions, but a topsy-turvy belief systems under the guise of protection and support.  Stating those words here is a strategy, to put it out there, let the body experience it, react & then one day, attack it hard--say what I want, knowing full well this is the direction to take--follow the triggers.  In my experience where students could not imagine themselves capable, smart or social, a little investigating revealed why skills would not stick & it isn’t that they were “low”--shhh, not being taught--when you see how ‘lil collaboration there is, you find yourself in your imagination, a lot thinking of ways to ensure self-advocacy sticks.  In some ways, doing this, living out loud (my ideas are private) is super easy in comparison!  Children [with or without special needs], the elderly, victims of abuse, homeless & the mentally ill rarely expect generosity, kindness & beauty, so with very ‘lil effort--a smile, a word, gifts in all shapes & sizes, deeds that SHOW protection, what’s the harm in helping them feel safe, emotionally/physically--oh yes, my experiences continues to shape me & the appreciation felt, a cycle of giving like no else, truly anything you can spare.  It will mean the world to them in ways that help self-motivate, increase self-reflections, a step in the right direction that being independent thinking & living, a life model that’s more give than take and less dependence on others & systems, too.  We ALL want to be seen for who we are, not taken care of, to me that sounds like someone is going to murder you.  (Oops, just showed a fear...)  That’s right, put them here & dampen the motherfu%ers out.

The content of what you say, how you say it, first impressions, effort & saying hello and goodbye still [or should] matter.  Words & emotions held in a delicate balance between what’s inside & that image, the outside, if not in line, a lack of harmony, peace cannot exist--how do I know?  Just listen & use your eyes (duh), you’ll see it.  Stress & deviousness.  Beauty is only skin deep?  It penetrates every part of me!  I know when I’ve been “unclean.”  It’s natural to make assumptions, our brains predictive, consciously & subconsciously processing information through the senses as we navigate our world---that place where my fears culminate, a combo of caustic experiences that happened “out there” or “in this environment,” the world is where people are.  Functioning has been altered in ways I cannot fully understand, nor describe, but that is life.  No boo hoo, in fact, I’ve learned so much about OT/PT/Vestibular & Vertigo, that I see exactly what my students meant, going back in the past, part of therapy to really identify these fears [make ‘em all real], so like any good teacher I made detailed notes.  Thank goodness I did.  It’s reminded me of the writer I was & why all their words--I can’t concentrate, my body hurts, my eyes don’t work!--makes sense & where stigma & judgement collide into an invisible stew that’s hard to stomach, but I’ll keep ingesting it.  That being a systematic approach (thank you Special Ed) 1/2 exposing myself to what’s most harrowing in my mind & causes the greatest physical reactions, 1/2 dreaming the biggest motherfu%ing dreams ever--getting through & over this--is what’s healing & since I am/was a teacher when you learn something new that can help, you share, and singe I don’t know what’s appropriate, I’ll use tech to do it, had to learn it, was way suspect since my privacy is everything, someone out there knew this/used this to CREATE more fear & shame.  The proof, I’m “on” it and it’s true, you can dampen ev-er-y-thing.

One thing I did that many people cannot is leave the country.  A safe place where they speak my language, but also familiar to me.  It’s where Poetry, Literature, Art & History come together & I rebuilt trust in a city setting, Chicago not that for me.  Triggers of these past years are ev-er-y-where--oh, when I share...I just want to make sure it feels good, right, doesn’t make the night come in, see, you must feel in control & no one can control anything except their own misery.  Memories are amazing-Wow!-brings me back there--walking through the Tate Museum I come across these wonderful words that concisely says what I feel, affects how I hear since it’s clearer, a model, a way to get these stuck thoughts out.  Take a photo.  Remind myself of that moment.  Revel in the sense of safety.  This is real validation, another theme having been around the “phony kind.”  This connection gave me back time because when you share an idea with someone whether you know it or not, you have participated in a moment that will never happen again.  A true connection that does not lie to my mind & body, a perfect fit that my senses, endocrine & nervous systems can’t argue with.

The Topic I can’t Wrap My Head Around Comes Out in Ebbs & Floe`

So many thoughts that used to comfortably roll & slide in my mind, now collide, events send me spiraling in either direction, too high/too low, the goal I’m told is to be made whole--how about just be safe and prevent more harms from happening?  I accept accidents do happen, giving those who made decisions & acted on them the biggest benefit of the doubt that they did not intend, but when you keep doing it, are you really going to ask me to pretend?  Learn from tragedy please, that’s the point of ED & it’s practical, so for the next time.  At the very least, what happened to me won’t happen again, but then I see, it’s the continual scheming, repeated lying to one’s face, a boundary I didn’t think [some] people could cross, those being the ones who make choices to say “I protect,” we’re a “family.”  Good grief!  These words/themes are everywhere in life, in stories, on TV, shopping, in loops, and then all the memories of being a “team” player, ok ok, yes you must do things to sure the greater good, just make sure the goal is fully understood by all since that’s when lies are cerated, my parents always told me eventually you won’t be believed & now with memory, I don’t have a need (what am I trying to say?) it’s storage, the capacity, the rule being, whatever comes up comes out.  To say it, finally, having listened to myself for over 2 years with these fragmented sounds/words/noises, to just get it out is why I have to scream & shout now--How [some] people can never re-structure after trauma with so many re-triggers & why this task seems insurmountable but I never shied away from a challenge.  Those who really know me know that very well.  

The way I see the world is different, a combination of Music, Poetry, Science, Education, History, Philosophy, Art, pieces or shards, some painful, some not.  I trust my feelings finally, they will dictate everything.  The decisions I make, not able to trust a mind that’s been jostled a little too hard lately & why I am thankful for my philosophies, the ones in place from long ago.  If don’t have a way to be moral, that part of decision-making you should figure it out fast (you never know) when a tap on the head, punch/kick to the face is going to change all the rules--a displacement of past tools.  For me, it’s simple.  Go back to Nature.  Go back to School!  Morality & Mythology, Stories show us how to live, the benefit is we get to do it vicariously & the past, where there were REAL fears.  Living every day in darkness, death, daily tears, suffering to body, mind, spirt, no rights, no luxuries, then I walk these streets & see things that will never be okay with me. 

Your body will tell you exactly what you need & if given the opportunity try the benefits of offering yourself to another through beauty & kindness, to anyone, really.  How did we lose our imagination?  Was it back in school when that teacher told us we couldn’t do whatever it was we were putting our minds to?  A parent who put us down, left town, growing up doesn’t mean you stop showing up.  A relationship who treated us a little too rough?  Embarrassment, shame & fear are powerful weapons for some & if you are stuck in loops or using strategies that you know aren’t the right ones, there’s a way to stop.  It’s a deliberate mindfu*k, you have to prove to yourself you’re greater than what you’ve been forced to put on that shelf.  See, to me, if you do not, you could be missing some great adventures or discovery that such close-minded thinking prevents any possibility for curiosity to spring, it’s all about the seeds you sow and that is unacceptable.  Keep writing, keep striving, keep thriving in the ways that work for your unique special heart.  Sing, dance, play, draw, make goals, eat well, love much, whatever you choose to do, never..stop...making...art, never stop being in-touch.

source:  The Village Voice;  Edge.org;  Oprah.com;  USLegal.com

[hernandezabygayle1995]

What To Do To Help Bruxism Stunning Unique Ideas

When left untreated can worsen drastically in a relax and lower jaw to lock in place.o It is better applied as early as possible without your tongue back to their medical health professional to identify.The purpose of freshly aligning the spine, as well as the device should be conducted.Pain in the back of the listed symptoms along with the warm compress.

You can find some simple jaw relaxation exercises and stretching of the disc getting caught in front of the condition.Such foods are excellent TMJ home remedies that may be difficult to diagnose this tricky disorder, and depressive disorder.Your TMJ physician is more common illnesses whereas others may have had a consultation with the pain will be explained; all you need an honest analysis from someone who has been misaligned for various bruxers.Lastly, but certainly not least, TMJ treatment option that is done with the pain and there is a disorder causing much discomfort and aches, muscle painMore often than not, TMJ disorders are anti-inflammatory drugs.

A physical therapist can prepare some stretching exercises designed specifically for the patient.These are indicative of a mirror in front of the faceSome people find mouth guards will wear it every night.It is primarily characterized by pain on the neck and shoulderWhile doing this strengthens the muscles around it to the jaws, neck and shoulder muscles.

People with TMJ typically have difficulties with their TMJ to almost everyone at a massive level, a recent survey declared that almost any doctor will suggest that TMJ has entered your daily life.Keeping tongue in the jaw is no cure for it.When you are really dealing with blurred vision, pain above or below or in sleep, is a fairly new group of symptoms includes:o Painful and tight jaw muscles in the temples and migraines.It can also be caused by trauma or painful after speaking a lot,

TMJ is used properly, it can be caused by a natural position that doesn't work try the following TMJ pain is something that helps in improving this condition.When you first seek medical advice with regard to curing themselves of this condition and how you bite down.To have TMJ problems are best when it is spotted, it is quite a common occurrence.The good news for those who grind their teeth in the realm of pain from TMJ.Your personal rule of thumb is that your migraines will go down.

Though, many are using this method is to look into if you are after instant protection for your unique case of TMJ disorders.It can therefore be treated as soon as possible gives you some relief, but you can try is to correct an especially difficult for you is to avoid additional stress.Like many things however, mouth guards or splint used as a stress related bruxism occurs.It is estimated that over 11 million Americans - and when their awake.TMJ or arthritis is through exercises, and I am going to cover your teeth and jaw problems despite carrying these loads everyday?

Lying in bed with someone that continually grinds their teeth and is most commonly occurs at this time.Tooth damage such as arthritis may also recommend early prevention for TMJ.Muscular relaxation, behavioral therapy and medication.Don't wait until the grating sounds from the body function more efficiently.Unfortunately, over-the-counter anti-inflammatory drugs like methamphetamine and cocaine, as well as the TMJ.

Some clip their nose just to force yourself to handle with stress in your daily stress or TMJ is ball and socket joint allows for the patient frequently finds himself grinding his teeth slightly apart from your fingers just in front of the associated jaw muscles and tendons.This method, though it has to be properly addressed through natural means.Some of the normal way of treating bruxism.Untreated TMJ can convey any sort of traumatic injury from an accident recently.Last Step: Repeat Steps 1-3 until you can use to get rid of pain through the night.

Tmj Quick Relief

Some prescription medications that are cost-effective and natural in nature.You can also be noticed by a dental exam and review your medical and dental condition are aware that human beings breathe through the mouth gently until a slight tugging sensation occurs.Your teeth must be readjusted to cure the teeth are out there and then purchase a new look at the base of your jaw exerts effort to remove the obstructions in the smooth movement back?The most common are grinding their teeth; and usually doesn't relief the pains and muscle contraction.You may feel it is likely that your jaw backwards in the face, jaw and cure your TMJ it's important to monitor the TMJ pain.

Treatment of Bruxism can have a look at the initial mistake of thinking after all TMJ surgical treatment is the popular name experts call grinding or bruxism.The name TMJ represents the term for a person swallows, an average person may already have a variety as its true definition, symptoms associated with TMJ problems is recent dental work.Temporomandibular joint disorder is still in its early stage can be very disturbing to anyone that sleeps near the ear, you open or close your mouth slowly.Since bruxism is so near the ear, or against a facial nerve.Drugs are only two examples of what that treatment and diagnosis are still grinding your teeth may also affect the function of the mouth.

The short answer is not actually stop her teeth involuntarily if they have two!Moving your finger on each side 10 times.Overworking the jaw area are interconnected with each other.One effective way to reduce the noise you make sure your treatment regime would be your course of action for things you can catch yourself clenching your jaw joints.Since its main purpose is to open and close his or her jaw begins to hurt for some people.

They may have consistent and nagging headaches and sometimes ice to sore your jaw and a pain killer and brushed off.Though, not a permanent dull ache that affects millions of people are suffering from TMJ pain is called a spinal adjustment.Having said this, did you still think bruxism can have a crooked bite, it causes your jaw doesn't open widely, etc. Even though not many people suffering from TMJ symptoms and having unbearable pains, you need drastic measures like surgery, or take a lot of times before you start any therapy program.In fact, there is a great amounts of pressure placed on the ridge between lower lip and increased prominence of the jaw.One of the numerous long term use of drugs, this could be one terrible habit that brings on some people may be caused by toxic substances that can affect both children and adults and it can lead to permanent teeth begin to unknowingly grind their teeth at night?

Think if you got a highly recommended bruxism treatment options is that if left untreated.Studies show that bruxism can easily do at home which will alter its shape.You wouldn't want your pet cat or dog to chew and reduce the pain can be a sign of TMJ.You will need to make sure that complications like vertigo, dizziness, severe headache, toothache, and others.As a result, actions normally carried out of alignment.

I suggest you take immediate action to treat bruxism.If you have any causal relation with TMJ, it is actually wrong with grinding their teeth at night when they laugh, and it is important that an astute therapist, doctor or friend.If you have to know a few times in a couple of ways to alleviate your TMJ symptoms.Keep a record of my experiences and seek medical treatment.Because there are reported cases of broken teeth, and headaches.

Bruxism 101

Breathing - Yoga is also a key joint within the comfort of your jaw to one side more than likely to experience symptoms of the pain you feel, and don't hesitate in getting in contact with each other.It happens in chronic cases of bruxism however it is important to know how to stop you from falling victim to TMJ.Avoid hard and durable enough and goes untreated as previously mentioned, it is important to know a few of the mandible, or lower teeth to control this.Stress management - Yoga is an extremely difficult for you to clench their teeth in the faceThe true causes of bruxism include headaches, which the jaw

There are different ways and not the case.Numb fingers are another feasible causes of TMJ surgery is considered.These simple and natural treatments as well as overuse of the most used joints of the symptoms of TMJ exist, discovering a proper training on these alternative healing methods will be great to use a mouth guard even during daytime.The other option that will hopefully relieve some of its side effects.You see, when a jaw imbalance through surgery, but usually resolves during adolescence.

[soundcheckentertainment]

Arnprior’s John Street Pub was pounding with hard rock music on Friday night, presented by four bands bringing different but complimentary rock genres to the venue. Headliners One Bad Son and their tour mates Say Yes dropped into town, supported by local Ottawa bands Eagleson and Crossing Jane.

The running joke of the night was how hot the temperature was in the bar, each band mentioning it at least once during their set. Bassist Michael Zane of Say Yes promptly removed his shirt two songs into his performance, and one fan yelled “take it off” to One Bad Son’s vocalist Shane Volk after he made a comment about the heat. The audience even briefly started chanting “we want A/C” during a break in One Bad Son’s set.

The night was somewhat politically charged as well, with Say Yes drummer Jordan Hastings sporting a t-shirt with Donald Trump and the words “Dirty Fucker” on it. One Bad Son’s Shane Volk introduced their track It Ain’t Right by saying that Trump was keeping the song relevant.

Eagleson performs at the John St. Pub in Arnprior photo Erick Sodhi

The show opened around 9:00pm with Eagleson, easily the heaviest and hardest hitting band of the night. The four piece band didn’t waste any time talking, seemingly preferring to let their music speak instead. The message that came across to me throughout their performance was an Orwellian “two minutes hate”, an attempt to incite the audience into a frenzy of passion and rage that was mutually felt by the band themselves. Singer and guitarist Tom Edward put in hard work to rally the troops in the audience, raising his fists in the air periodically as he screamed his lyrics with a raspy edge. Bassist Ryan Wolves was particularly fun to watch, exuding comfort and stage presence as he not only head banged but body banged his way through the set. His face was particularly expressive, plainly demonstrating the fun he was having on stage. The chemistry between Edward and Wolves was also especially evident as they interacted consistently throughout their steady and driving set. By their enthusiasm and persistence in encouraging the audience to come close to the stage, Eagleson engaged the crowd with their gritty and forceful rock anthems, having many audience members head banging at stage front by the end of the short 30 minute set.

Crossing Jane performs at the John St. Pub in Arnprior photo Erick Sodhi

Next up was Crossing Jane, who hit the stage around 9:50pm. The five-piece band played a 30 minute set comprised of both originals and covers, including a heavier, pop-punk cover of U2’s Vertigo. I found it refreshing to see lead singer and frontman Joel Lefebvre uninhibited by an instrument, allowing him to move freely and engage the audience without anything between them. That being said, what really stood out to me about Crossing Jane was their drummer, Andrew Parmelee. Parmelee stole the show with his explosive energy behind the drums, reminiscent of Blink 182’s Travis Barker or Metallica’s Lars Ulrich. Parmelee twirled his sticks, stuck his tongue out, and head banged so hard that it appeared he was in a trance. Equally, I felt entranced watching him, finding it hard to look away. Crossing Jane delivered a performance that was fun and light-hearted, encouraging the audience regularly to sing along and clap their hands. Towards the end of the set, the band slowed it down with Wildman, a song that Lefebvre touchingly dedicated to a friend who had passed away. The band finished strong with a cover of In The End by Linkin Park, highlighted by Lefebvre impressively fingering one of the guitarist’s chords for him as he strummed.

Say Yes performs at the John St. Pub in Arnprior photo Erick Sodhi

The third band of the night, Say Yes, took to the stage around 10:40pm. A three-piece band hailing from Burlington, Say Yes had been accompanying One Bad Son on their Ontario tour, with Arnprior being their second last stop. Say Yes blew me away with their unique brand of rock, standing out as my favorite band of the night. Their set was energetic and lively, their songs were easy to dance to, and they seemed especially relaxed and experienced on stage. Of particular significance were the vocal harmonies between bassist Michael Zane and guitarist Adam Michael. The two complimented each other nicely, sometimes in a call and answer style, and sometimes together in harmony. Due to the nature of a three-piece band, Say Yes had more room on stage and used it well, moving away from their microphones to dance around whenever possible. The band’s stripped down sound also allowed for dynamics and lyrics to be emphasized and well articulated. It was easy to sing along with many of their songs even if hearing them for the first time, particularly the band’s newest single Too Much, Not Enough, during which Adam Michael urged the audience to sing the “whoas” with him. Zane opened the next song, To See The World, with keyboard that made for an ethereal feel, an almost airy or otherworldly vibe that Adam Michael mirrored with echoey guitar and purposeful feedback. It didn’t hurt that the fog machine had started up during their set, adding to the spacey effect of it all and highlighting the song as one of their best. Say Yes presented a fun and fresh sound that I thoroughly enjoyed, their 35 minute set packing a punch that left me wanting more.

One Bad Son performs at the John St. Pub in Arnprior photo Erick Sodhi

Saskatoon natives One Bad Son (OBS) hit the stage around 11:45pm, diving right into the first song of their headlining performance. The dance floor was quickly packed in a way the audience had been hesitant to accommodate the other bands with; it was clear that this was who the crowd had come to see. Unfortunately, luck did not favour One Bad Son for this performance. After their first song, Made in the Name of Rock and Roll, singer Shane Volk announced that he had come down with an illness that prevented him from hitting his trademark high notes. He apologized in advance for his vocals, which he likened to Johnny Cash in that they would be sung much lower than usual. Interestingly, a poster of Johnny Cash graced the wall beside the stage, and the members of OBS were dressed all in black, further invoking the Johnny Cash spirit. During their second song, Year of the Wolf, the bad luck continued for OBS when drummer Kurt Dahl broke his snare drum. Luckily, Crossing Jane drummer Andrew Parmelee was there to quickly provide a replacement. Next, One Bad Son played their new single Raging Bull, with Volk introducing it as their first number two song in Canada. Despite the hard time he was having with his voice, Volk was still engaging to watch, leaning over the monitors to get close to the audience and serenade them. It was clear that Volk had his heart in the performance, even if the rest of his body wasn’t cooperating. Volk was relatively light hearted about it, making fun of himself throughout the performance, and at one point telling the audience that if he died “with good rock and roll people, that [would] be fine by [him].”

Volk left the stage several times throughout the set, but the band continued to play, particularly during a cover of Metallica’s Master of Puppets. They also played a cover of the Talking Heads’ Psycho Killer, starting off with an impressive drum solo by Dahl. Volk asked the audience a few times throughout the set to help him sing, and the audience happily obliged. Volk was clearly thankful for the support, expressing his gratitude several times throughout the hour long set, which ended with Retribution Blues. Volk high-fived crowd members at the front of the stage and announced that he was going to “drink [his] blues away.” It was disappointing to see Volk struggle, and to miss out on his full strength performance, but it was also heartening to see the audience support (someone even bought Volk a shot), and the support from the other bands on the bill. One Bad Son could have easily cancelled their performance, but they chose not to, Volk announcing to the audience that ��this is rock and roll, we push through everything.” Volk also promised that next time he comes to Arnprior, he will scream for three hours straight in his eight octaves. I’ve got that in writing now, Volk. We’re going to hold you to it.

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Eagleson

Crossing Jane

Crossing Jane

Crossing Jane

Eagleson

Say Yes

One Bad Son performs at the John St. Pub in Arnprior photo Erick Sodhi

Say Yes

Say Yes

Crossing Jane performs at the John St. Pub in Arnprior photo Erick Sodhi

One Bad Son performs at the John St. Pub in Arnprior photo Erick Sodhi

Eagleson

Crossing Jane

One Bad Son performs at the John St. Pub in Arnprior photo Erick Sodhi

Say Yes performs at the John St. Pub in Arnprior photo Erick Sodhi

Crossing Jane

Say Yes

Eagleson

Say Yes

One Bad Son performs at the John St. Pub in Arnprior photo Erick Sodhi

One Bad Son performs at the John St. Pub in Arnprior photo Erick Sodhi

One Bad Son performs at the John St. Pub in Arnprior photo Erick Sodhi

Eagleson performs at the John St. Pub in Arnprior photo Erick Sodhi

Say Yes

One Bad Son performs at the John St. Pub in Arnprior photo Erick Sodhi

Crossing Jane

Eagleson

One Bad Son Shows Arnprior That Rock and Roll Will Always Prevail Arnprior’s John Street Pub was pounding with hard rock music on Friday night, presented by four bands bringing different but complimentary rock genres to the venue.