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artreider · 3 years ago

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Daughter is down for the night, let's see if internet will allow me to watch and live blog the next episode.

Travis is so hurt and that just hurts me. I'm glad we are getting his backstory with Michael.

Okay so if Michael died in 2016 and it was 2009 at the start of the episode, then they were together for at least six years. So travis has been a firefighter at least 11 years at this point in the series. So what station was he at, and how did he and Michael meet. Im just curious because theo calls his buddy michael probie and then doesnt say travis name. Travis tells him name and instead of calling probie as well making me believe he had been either a firefighter for a bit longer than Michael or he is from a different station, because surely if they were all at the same station he would call him by name or maybe travis is from a different shift at the station.

I love this episode but it still left me with questions.

Also so i didnt even make it five minutes in, thanks internet let's restart it.

Also are they all in the same academy class because it sounds like it.

I'm not okay with travic being not a dynamic duo at the start, i love their friendship.

Hey look the captain has returned lol, also this sushi conversation i have had with my coworker. Leftover sushibis just wrong, fight me on this. Im glad maya agrees. Also i agree with sulluvan its from the grocery store, i dont eat my sushi from anywhere but a restaurant thats gross, and making it day old is worse.

Of course travis agrees with the sushi talk, they are truly two peas in a pod. Im surprised vic didnt ask to stay at maya and carina's for a few days.

I like theo and jack this episode.

Vic looks tripped out by travis showing her his scars lmao. Travis and this scar analogy is fantastic and makes me giggle, so dramatic.

I still dont know how i feel about these two drug addicts.

First commercial and i just want to add that the sushi scene i love, the family feel is wonderful.

Michael and travis are so cute. Also how long was theo a captain before michael died?

Listening to libby you can tell how troubled travis is by the look on his face. Its like he's thinking what if something were to happen to Hughes and we weren't in a good place.

Im glad jack came to talk to theo. It's good for them both.

Emmett you cutie. Im glad he is speaking truths to travis.

This proposal is so cute, the double proposal makes me so happy.

Travis needs to become a dad, he so wanted that future with Michael.

Its so cute that theo was there for the proposal and his best friends. Who stood up for travis at the wedding and who married michael and travis? Im headcanoning theo marrying them.

I totally get travis's feelings about theo in light of Michael's death but with how involved he was with the two i wish travis had found some way to heal with his friend sooner.

Vic trying to discuss Emmett, oh i love you.

This scene by the trees is so tough.

I bet they had so much fun shooting this even if it was difficult material.

So travis is in a apartment instead of his house with michael, howd that happen.

The things they are saying to each other are so hard. Everyone grieves differently.

Okay how long was theo a firefighter before he became captain. They were possibly in the academy in 2009, he was training for lt in 2010 and in 2012 he was put up for captain. So it seems he was on the fast track like maya. Okay he was only at lt for 6 months with may he a bit longer than maya.

Though she definitely made better decisions as captain. Also i love that ripley put up for it and ripley is who told maya to become lt and that she'd be a good captain.

Theo's joke about dying in a fire is just wrong.

Theo did make a bad call like travis worried but his being green should be a reason to find forgiveness for him.

Im glad michael stood uo for his friend. Also travis asked if it was a good idea theo being michaels captain, not ours. That further leads me to believe that travis was at a different station. I really cant shake the thought that he was at station 19 by this point for the simple fact of capt hererra saying he hand picked all of them.

Its nice that travis is finally talking to vic about his anger and sadness over michael, his grief and apologizing for his comments about ripley.

Okay so based off the past episodes for the characters, gibson and miller have been at the station longer than andy and maya and it appears travis has been as well. So that just has me questioning how long hughes has been, did we get dates when we learned how she became a firefighter, i cant remember.

Who notified travis that Michael was gone? He wasn't on scene otherwise he'd already have seen theo.

Theo was so good to own up to his mistake to the higher ups and travis.

The house vs apartment thing bothers me about station 19. Like maya's apartment always felt like a house and then we see its an apartment. Travis lived in a house with Michael and now has an apartment filled with Michael's things. Then Jack had an apartment or something in season 3 and now lives with martha and co. Then vic is basically homelessx had an apartment then jumped from friends homes. I dunno why i bothers me so, i guess it just feels so inconsistent, i dunno if that makes sense.

Ugh the ruiz and Gibson scene here is so good for them once again and im glad it helped marcus. Im sad marcus wont be a part of jacks life anymore.

Theo why did you decide to talk to vic about ripley? Not that it was a bad talk just curious what sparked it.

Travis im so proud of you, this talk here is so important for your healing. Vic i love your joke. Yay my travic is healing.

Okay so hughes was probie in 2016 after michael died. Ugh i need to know more about travis time at station 19 before during or after whatever michael died. Also when did andy and maya graduate im blanking on the year.

Travic's first scene at the station together is so lovely.

Ugh travis's phone call is so rough.

So travis cant vacation very well either, no wonder he told maya to enjoy her trip with carina in sesson 3.

The station 19 actors are so phenomenal. Such a wonderfully acted episode.

So as im sure my followers and anyone else reading this has gathered, i decided to do this live blog as one whole thing since the anon was upset by my previous posts. If you hate this and think i should go back to the other way let me know or if i should take their suggestion and creatr my own tag let me know. Basically if you are interested in my live blog please let me know what you think.

The anon has been weighing on me leading me to almost not want to finish my live blog of the series.

#station 19 #travis montgomery #michael #travis and michael #station 19 rewatch #maya bishop #robert sullivan #jack gibson #theo ruiz #victoria hughes #michael williams #andy hererra #dean miller #season 4 #episode 9

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the-actual-loch-ness-monster8 · 4 years ago

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So, what was your inspiration for House of the Rising Sun? (I feel like you've told us before, but PLEASE go off and get deep with it!) Like why'd you chose the mafia setting/AU? What made you decide that Evra would be a bartender and The Cirque would be a bar? Just ALL that, I love knowing those deep details that don't always transfer from the mind to the page~!

WARNING GUYS: YOU MIGHT WANNA READ THIS LATER IF YOU HAVENT READ TO AT LEAST ABOUT CHAPTER 10 OR 11 I BELIEVE

Oh boy, I love this question. Thank you Nom, I always love an excuse to ramble. So there's a few set of factors that led to House of the Rising Sun, and I think one of the first would be my bizarre obsession with The Godfather in middle school. (Side note: Who the hell put that book in a MIDDLE SCHOOL LIBRARY???) This developed into a fascination with mafia history, no doubt fueled by my friendship with @evil-dad-evil (Thanks Lucien lmao), and one strange story about Jon Gotti from my dad, but thats a text post all its own. Regardless I just always thought it was neat is the basics.

The mafia au for Cirque du Freak just seemed like it would work well with a mafia au already, the vampires/vampaneze being rival families, all that jazz. It was one of those things that just clicked in my head. Of course, I thought was going to be perfect. Obviously, it wasn't, it saw two different rewrites before it got to where we are now, without a truly solid plot, it was bad. Probably because the first two attempts happened when I was in 8th grade. It wasn't until after I graduated high school and quarantine kicked this fandom up into high gear that I got it to actually be a decent fic.

This go round was the first time I had titled it "House of the Rising Sun", named for the song by The Animals, because it gave me the vibe of "I am in the mafia and i just shot my best friend and betrayed him and now im driving away from the funeral" and yes I know that is so, so weirdly specific. But the biggest help was when I had a thought of, "What if Wester and Darren met?" and what really kickstarted it was talking with an old rp partner (@maculaxsanguinis I love you and I miss u homie) and i had the thought of "Hey you know what would be fucked up? Wester framing Darren for Alicia's murder" and I got so stuck on that, that HoTRS had to be written. The "Darren gets framed" chapter was the thing I had looked forward to writing the most and I had been so excited about it, you have no clue how hard it was not to spill the beans in the discord. I actually wrote that chapter before the fic had even had it's first chapter thought through, though the original draft was not the chapter I ended up posting. It was the whole reason I ended up making the fic to begin with, and credit to my old friend as they were actually the one to come up with the "I do not know what you are capable of anymore." That hurt both Darren's and my own feelings.

Of course deciding to write that meant I had to figure out how to get there to begin wity, and with the vampires and vampaneze serving as rival families, I had to figure out what to do with The Cirque itself. Making it a bar seemed like this easiest option, giving a place for the story to start, and making Evra a bartender was bc... Well, I wanted Bartender!Evra but also, it gave Darren a way in. Darren talks to Larten at his suggestion, and Evra has no clue the amount of chaos that that will lead him into. That, and seeing as Darren's friendship with Steve has quickly been yeeted, (I made HoTRS!Steve kind of unhinged now that I think about it lmao) he's a good support for Darren, even if I'm not confident in how I write either of them. Not to mention someone who was on the outside of it all who still knew what was going on, which made for some great banter in certain chapters. (The exchange between them before the hit on Murlough is still gold to me.) But also, it's someone close enough not be too effected by everything, but still close enough to get hurt somehow.

But that's the story for how HoTRS ever ended up even so much as an idea in my head, and we've got @evil-dad-evil to thank for fueling my weird mafia obsession, and @maculaxsanguinis to thank for helping me plan one of the most dramatic, and possibly best scenes I ever wrote.

#cirque du freak #darren shan #evra von #house of the rising sun #hotrs questions #thank you nom this was fun to answer #i love talking about this so much

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hu4ngs · 5 years ago

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found you through wattpad! since you've never written a jeno book, can i get a enemies to lovers au for jeno?

helloooo hahahahah! thank you for requesting

• so first things first, we should get to the bottom of the reason why jeno even hates you and vice versa

• it would be a lot of factors but the main factor would probably be because you’re as annoying as a middle schooler

• you were in phase, where you’d try so hard to be the teacher’s pet, so it just makes you annoying

• jeno doesn’t do a lot of his homeworks, so he’d always get detention for it

• you hate him simply because he hates you lol you don’t really know why he hates you but the feeling’s mutual baby

• so now you’re in your senior year of high school, you’ve toned down the annoyance

• you’re not really a teacher’s pet anymore but your name still leaves a good taste in their mouths when they talk about you

• jeno was still as lazy as ever, though he’s actually trying this year since he wants to graduate

• but he’s failing LMAO thats what happens when you don’t pay attention in class until the last minute kids

• so anyways, you’re not the only person jeno has beef with. in fact, his advanced algebra teacher hates him too

• “how many times are you gonna fail my class, mr lee?”

• jeno at this point was already mocking his teacher as he started blabbing about how he’s gonna fail and he’ll have to stay for another year

• “put your head in the game or i’ll call your parents.” he warned

• jeno almost shit his pants when he heard that

• anything but his parents

• so that day he goes to the smartest person he knows, renjun

• “dude i need you to teach me algebra please i’ll pay you”

• renjun was shocked

• jeno???? genuinely wants to learn???? it’s the end of the world

• renjun, being the smart guy he is, he agrees. he is desperate for $$$ anyway so

• but 3 weeks into the constant classes renjun realises he couldn’t take it anymore

• he doesn’t have the ideal patience of a teacher, because he was slowly losing his mind trying to teach jeno simple mathematics

• “hey jeno, it’s nothing personal or something, but like, i really can’t do this anymore”

• jeno felt like his heart SANK

• “why”

• “it’s been three weeks and we’re still learning the same topic. i can’t take it anymore”

• “i’ll pay you more”

• “no that’s fine”

• so that’s how jeno became tutor-less again

• jeno looked so defeated and heartbroken, and it made renjun feel bad, jeno is his good friend after all

• “i mean, i have a friend, they can tutor you, if you want?” he offered

• jeno went ecstatic again

• so renjun gave him his friend’s number

• so jeno immediately texted the friend renjun mentioned

• “hey i heard you’re tutoring for advanced algebra”

• “yeah who’s this tho”

• “lee jeno from class 5-B”

• then there was a long pause

• jeno was like ???? hello ????

• and then after a really long time they replies

• “you sure you want a tutor from me? i’m y/n from your class”

• jeno was fuming

• it’s literally the loud, annoying ‘middle schooler’ in his class

• so now jeno’s torn between passing his class or feeding his ego

• he chose the first one surprisingly

• so you two start meeting up

• he gets agitated by everything you do and you’re just like ????? hello??? you’re stupid without me ????

• so this routine goes on everyday, and everyday jeno just realise you’re not as bad he thought you’d be

• it’s because you’re really patient with him, and most importantly you’re not giving up on him,,,

• now he’s touched and feels bad for being mean to you

• today isn’t any different

• you arrived, and you hand him the iced tea

• he’s shocked

• “what’s this?”

• “you’ve been studying hard lately. you deserve a treat”

• jeno could’ve sworn his heart skipped a beat

• but he didn’t think much of it

• at least until nighttime came

• and he couldn’t sleep

• he’s thinking about your ice tea, your act of kindness around him, your constant assurance that he’s doing fine, he’s thinking about you

• then he felt his heart skipping a beat again

• i didn’t take him long to realise he’s attracted to you

• now he’s back to think about you. your smile, the way you’d hit his head when he says “i don’t know”, the way you’d apologise for that, the way you laugh

• oh no

• but he’s sure you’re just doing this bc you’re nice

• you probably don’t like him back

• but it’s worth a try right?

• no!!!!!

• basically you’ve kept this poor boy up the whole day

• now he’s cranky at school

• “so who are you gonna ask out for prom?”

• jaemin was nudging him that morning

• jeno’s annoyed that he’s being bothered and that he had forgotten all about prom

• but it’s alright prom is like a month away

• “leave me alone”

• “i’m thinking of asking y/n out”

• “no!!!!”

• oops he yelled

• jaemin is stunned

• “whats wrong with you?”

• jeno doesn’t wanna answer that

• so he looks away, totally ignoring the confused jaemin

• then during lunch, the prom topic arose again

• chenle and jisung weren’t going they’re planning on playing video games on that day

• renjun was gonna ask his classmate out

• haechan was gonna go solo

• now its just jaemin and jeno

• jaemin was still thinking of asking you out

• it’s not that he likes you or whatever, but you two are chemistry partners and he thinks you’re a fun person

• and he’d love to have fun on prom night too

• jeno wants to take you out too

• b u t

• he just has a strong feeling that you’ll reject him

• plus jaemin is also gonna ask you out!!!!!

• jaemin, aka the biggest flirt ever!!! is going ask you out!!! how is he suppose to impress you over jaemin!!!!

• after much thinking jeno decides to just man up and ask you out the simple way during his lesson later

• he came to the conclusion you’re a simple person, and you’d probably hate something too big as a promposal

• so you two are in an empty classroom again that day

• no ice tea today, though bc you were running late

• but its ok. today jeno bought you peach tea

• there was also a sticky note on the can asking you out for prom

• it wasn’t much, but oh well

• he was fiddling with his fingers while he waits for you

• then you finally arrived

• “sorry i’m a little late”

• “you’re always late”

• you shoot him a look

• jeno’s always like this though

• “shut up” you told him

• he laughs nervously

• you notice the drink

• “you bought your own drink today i see?” you said

• your hand stretched over to the can to see what he drinks

• you thought maybe next time you’d know what to buy him

• as you turn the drink around you saw the sticky note

• “go to prom with me, y/n?”

• with a cute little flustered face he drew at the bottom of the sticky note

• you’re shocked

• you’re sure this dude HATES you

• whats going on

• you’re flustered AS HELL

• jeno’s also flustered now

• “is this from you?”

• you finally ask

• he slowly nods

• “but… why me?”

• jeno was surprised you’d ask that

• “what do you mean ‘why me’? i can’t think of anyone better to ask out to. you’ve been the kindest person to me this whole time even though i was acting like a semi-asshole to you most of the time. and i don’t know, y/n, i guess after all that kindest and patience you’ve shown me i kinda fellinlovewithyou”

• he’s nervously laughing,,, he can’t believe he just gave that long speech

• “you’re IN WHAT with me?” you yelled

• “i SAID i might have fellinlovewithyou OKAY”

• your face is red as hell now

• so is jeno’s

• so you two are just sitting across of each other, faces red

• “well… honestly, at first i was only nice because you’re paying me to teach you… but after a while it became a habit? you’re not a hard person to tolerate with.” you admitted

• please stop showering him with compliments this boy is a blushing mess ok

• “so… is that a yes to prom?”

• “are you crazy? of course its a yes!”

• jeno is an awkward boy his love was return so now what

• so he’s just awkwardly fiddling with his fingers now

• and you’re like ?? wtf

• and then hes like “wait… do you um… lovemeback though?”

• and you’re like wat

• “well it’s too early to use love, i do like you though”

• and then jeno pause for a minute, before deciding you liking him is fine too

• “so by saying yes to prom will you also say yes to being the love of my life?”

• “yes… but you need to stop being so cheesy though”

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ybhanrui · 4 years ago

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The Gifted Graduation EP5

so i skipped posting abt 2-4 because i had no extra time to go to tumblr (lmao im just lazy af)

DISCLAIMER: this is just drabbles that i wanted to say lmao

anyway let me just say my thoughts on this EP. my friend (she’s based in Spain) and I always stream tgt so both of us can be shookt and cry at the same time lmao.

first, my heart sank when Wave opened up to Pang. Wave is always logical while Pang is emotional. But Wave, after finding the family in XV, realized that one of them was a traitor must be one of the heaviest things he has to bare. We rarely see him open up like this-- he was indeed afraid. From one of the most annoying characters during S1 to just being a person who cares so much, even if he doesn't show it. He was so vulnerable and open when he admitted that he’s fear was losing the people he loves because of him. he already had his heart broken before by that mf teacher which made him build all his walls. And now that finally he has met XV, it must’ve been hard for him to go through that same feeling again. It must have been so heavy for him this time to separate the line between heart and mind. His openness to Pang says so much about the depth of their relationship. He might not trust himself sometimes, but he loves and trusts Pang.

second, Pang. Pang, my boy, i can just imagine the responsibility that was placed in him since the beginning being the ‘leader’ of XV. yall my boy just wanted to live a happy life. and here he, and XV, thought that after bargaining with the Director, all of their concerns would be solved. the weight of not knowing what to do, even clueless to the true intentions of the Director and the Minister, the virus, the internal conflict within the group... Pang is at the center trying to find the right light.

lemme hug my boys T____T

third, korn you mf****. when we knew that he was the imposter i really thought that even if... he wouldn’t do anything to Gifted XV thats why it was only injected to the kids. thats basically his family and friends lmao was I wrong. his face when he stabbed Punn was a face of no regrets. he was smiling maniacally even when the rest of XV confronted him at their place. I have both my theories and questions on why he hates the Gifted so much (we’ve been knew of this when he wanted to remove his potential from S1) but his hatred just seem to extend from just the potential, the administration, even up to his friends. Or maybe he doesn’t hate them personally but they’re a hindrance to his plan. lmao i really thought either Khun Darin or Third would be the leader of the anti-gifted, jokes on me. what Korn did was unforgivable. wasn’t stabbing Pun not enough? he had to put toxic gas even in the room this f**** these people love you. Mon is there your best friend you dimwick you even smiled after what happened like you did just not harm your friends.

fourth, the adults are a f** chaos to say the least. idk who’s right or wrong anymore but im siding with the Director...for now coz i think Khun Darin made Third and the younger gifted students blamed Pang and the XV kids (tho i see redemption arc for Third, no one does that to my boy Pang) for what happened... thats why Third was so mad at Pang. these adults has been the root cause of this whole fiasco ever since and whenever they fought, the children would always be the one to suffer.

fourth, GRACE. the star of the night. my girl got some real potential there. tho i also think about how will she able to manage on finding out (what needs to be find out lol idk anymore) when shes the only one not infected. pls ally with XV kids pls

last but def. not the least, WTF MEK IS IN THIS EPISODE YALL THE WAY I SCREAMED when he appeared on screen.

s** is really going down now that Mek is here.

the past would be uncovered. as it should be. i just hope my XV kids would not suffer.

#the gifted #the gifted graduation #gmm25 #gmmtv #fuck gifted #the gifted season 2 #thai series

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maternalcube · 6 years ago

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i did an art summary so now im doing a fic summary. i was tagged by @jamthedingus also!! ive never done one of these before!! lets go!!!

Rest (13106)

Keith & Lance's Island Adventure (20631)

Atlantis (10014 words)

The Way to a Man’s Heart (6858 words)

nobody's business (2096 words)

leave, and take (557 words)

dead girl walking (1661 words)

the course of fate (1039 words)

who ya gonna call (465 words)

come here often? (806 words)

til kingdom come (1950 words)

stars in the sky (pt 2) (5404 words)

a song of falling (630 words)

Eyes to the Sky (3683 words)

Feet on the Ground (4050 words)

Divergence (6669 words)

homecoming (1426 words)

Window of Opportunity (11144 words)

along that wilderness of glass (3801 words)

string theory (2327 words)

Katt Week (1062 words)

The Pining-Plant (3860 words)

at the end of many worlds (21684 words)

you're my home (19646 words)

Believe Me (3177 words)

Starchild (3568 words)

Summer Heat (2285 words)

third time's the charm (5349 words)

Blackbird (59546 words)

The Sixth Planet (9444 words)

all the infinite realities (1197 words)

Total Fics: 31! (plus one i posted anonymously lmao) Total Words: 229999! (except parts of string theory and the sixth planet were actually posted last year... but still, what a number)

more under the cut!

Ship/character breakdown: i didnt filter out my prompt collection or abandoned wips here so /shrug Ship breakdown:

klance - 6 sheith - 5 shance - 5 katt - 4 heith - 3 pallura - 2 and one each of plance, kallura, allurance, shatt, shkatt, kidge, kidgance, and shunk. and keiths parents lol. let it never be said i am not a multishipper.

and i know gen isnt a ship but it tied with klance at 6 (plus whatevers in the prompt collection) which was a surprise

Character breakdown: man if theres a way to get ao3 to show me ALL the stats, i dont know it. but.

keith - 25 (shocker) shiro - 23 lance - 21 pidge - 17 hunk - 16 allura - 12 matt - 12 and then coran and sam are at 4, and zarkon ats 3 and presumably many others are at 3 or less

Characters that had the main focus: well ~9 were from keiths pov, and ~5 each from shiro and lances povs. i think i also had ~5 from multiple points of view. its safe to say that keith has my heart tho lol

Specifics:

Best/worst title? Best title: i still like “at the end of many worlds.” i weirdly still like “Blackbird” too even if it has nothing to do with anything... Worst title: “Rest.” :/ also like all of the abandoned wips bc i didnt care. and “Keith & Lance's Island Adventure.″ some of my zine fic titles were also... bad. im bad at titles.

Best/worst first line?

Best: Keith & Lance's Island Adventure. ok the title is bad but this line? this really sets the tone for whole fic. you know what youre getting yourself into here.

When Pidge invited Keith to a fully-funded graduation party aboard the Holt family boat (“the smaller one, anyway,” she’d said), this is not exactly what he'd pictured: three of them standing on a wobbly dock, packed bags at their feet, sky cloudy and gray, while the Holt siblings stand on a little ledge off the back of the boat and deny entry.

Worst: ive got two for this lol

at the end of many worlds: even i have to read this a couple times to figure out what i was trying to say. at least you know youre in for pain...

Keith’s mother shows up to interrupt movie night often enough that, this time, Keith almost doesn’t realize anything’s wrong. Almost, because she’s silhouetted by the movie, but she’s clutching her arm and panting for breath, and in the thin edge of light around her he sees a wet and vibrant red.

Divergence: because all your friends being dead is EXACTLY like losing at dodgeball. yeah, theres a reason i abandoned this one.

Hunk always hated playing dodgeball. Not because he was bad at it--though he was--but because he always ended up the last one standing, and therefore the only target for the entire other team. It was due to a tendency to hang unnoticed in the back, he knew, but that didn't change the sickening, empty feeling of looking around and realizing there's no one left but him, and there's no way he can win. Only wait for the inevitable.

This, Hunk decides, is a lot like that, only, like, a billion times worse.

Best/worst last line?

Best: The Pining-Plant. there are a few others that were cute too but this one is also good out of context so

And then the pod swishes open and he's scrambling to catch Pidge as she stumbles out. She clings to his arms to steady herself and his heart swells.

"Falling for me again, huh?" he asks, and she groans loudly.

"Let me go, I'm getting back in the pod," she says, and he laughs. He doesn't let go, and neither does she.

Worst: if im bad at titles, im worse at endings. most are bad. i suspect the ending to “Rest” is terrible but i cant bring myself to even open that shit again so: Believe Me. if weather were a recurring theme in this fic, itd be fine, but as is its just... a weird note to end the fic on lmao

Hunk rocks back on his heels. "We aren't counting this as our official first date, right?"

"I dunno," Keith says, and now he smiles at the rain instead of frowning. It shows no sign of easing up, but whatever—they're soaked anyway. "This seems pretty good to me."

“...All right.” If nothing else, it’ll make a good story. And, Hunk had to admit—he’s pretty happy with how it’s turned out, rain and all.

But next time, he's double-checking the forecast, just in case.

General questions:

Looking back, did you write more fics than you thought you would this year, less than you thought, or about what you predicted?

more than i expected! considering ive been in grad school all year!! i wrote about the same amount wordcount-wise in 2017 which i spent only half in school so. idk how i managed it.

What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted last year?

the anonymous fic was a surprise but im not gonna talk about that lol. otherwise... nah, its all been my usual stuff.

What’s your favorite story this year? Not the most popular, but the one that makes you the happiest.

blackbird, probably. i like working on that one. summer heat was also fun, id sort of forgotten about it bc it was a zine fic but coming back to it, i really liked it. likewise with third time’s the charm. and i like t6p a lot even if i kinda hate drawing for it :’)

Okay, NOW your most popular story.

depends on your metric. window of opportunity has the most kudos, keith and lance’s island adventure has the most hits, and t6p has the most comments and subscriptions.

Story most underappreciated by the universe?

AT THE END OF MANY WORLDS. oh man i killed myself over that fic. it was important to me. but i think the mcd scared everyone off :’)

Story that could have been better?

i realize “all of them” is kind of a cop out answer but like

Sexiest story?

i have written nothing sexy, ever, in my whole life

Saddest story?

i mean, ateomw. considering all the death. blackbird def has its moments too.

Most fun?

i feel like i answered this in the favorite story q lmao. you’re my home also gets a shoutout, that thing was,, super self-indulgent lmao. and id be lying if i said i didnt have fun with parts of ateomw, even if its mostly sad.

Story with single sweetest moment?

man i write a lot of fluff but so much of you’re my home is just tooth-rotting. heres part of the proposal scene lmao

"Lance!" Keith yelps, barely rescuing the ring from falling into the sand with them. Lance pushes himself up on his arms, silhouetted by the sun and glowing with it.

"Really?" he asks breathlessly.

"Yeah," Keith says, and maybe he should've prepared something to say, that's a thing people do, right? Hell, he's winging it. "I know we can't stay here on Earth forever, 'cause we're paladins, and there's still stuff out there we gotta do. And I know you probably want to stay because this is your home—but you're my home, and if we gotta go, at least you'll have me, good or bad." He grins crookedly. "Or rocket science. Whatever happens, I'll be there."

Hardest story to write?

well t6p gets a shoutout, but its not the writing thats the hard part for that. uhhh ive struggled with parts of blackbird. i remember k&l’s island adventure giving me a LOT of trouble, i think i posted late lol

Easiest/most fun story to write?

anything short uhhh for all the infinite realities, i kind of just sat down the other day (actually i was in bed but) and was like “im gonna write this” and then in the morning i just sat down and wrote it in one go. i dunno if id call it fun, but it was easy. t6p is super fun to write but, as mentioned, drawing it sucks.

Did any stories shift your perceptions of the characters?

no... my perceptions probably have shifted but not due to anything i wrote in particular. i did talk myself into liking allurance with a prompt fill, though, but im not sure that was 2018...

Most overdue story?

all the infinite realities lmao. at the end of many worlds needed that happy ending. and another shoutout to t6p, because thats been going on over a year and im still nowhere.

Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them?

does posting my abandoned wips count? ive still got some of those hanging around... blackbird was a bit of a risk bc my last longfic was written while i was unemployed and out of school, so like i had the time for it, and now i kinda dont. still chugging tho. ateomw b/c of all the death but it turns out i really like writing whump woops. and writing any sort of kissing always feels like a risk bc i suck at it but im getting better lol... i hope...

What are your fic writing goals for next year?

write more! finish things! do more sheith! i really want to work on this sheith longfic i came up with the other day... but i want to get blackbird over with first.

Tagging: eh! do it if you want to!

#i need a fic tag #HOO BOY

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onlywayleftisup · 6 years ago

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today on: i think the most about DN and my DNkids when i am away from the actual game i think its my body’s way of coping with being away from its children LMAO but eh just rambles about how pvp/pve works in my storyworld, weapons, and how lei is not op :c

.. in my DN story, or universe, or storyworld, i like to think that adventurers, though maybe skilled in fighting monsters, are mostly not that skilled in fighting against people. because the way you handle your weapons, and analyse situations, plan strategies, and use your skills greatly differs when you fight mobs vs fighting actual people. its also why my blade dancer, laythe, has an edge to him whereby he has never lost his battles and ends up killing every single person he wins against.

its like... uh.. i imagine its because adventurers are brought up and mainly trained to fight, kill and protect against monsters, not people? mind you that that is how i see DN adventurers in my storyworld. typical mmorpg setting.

the colosseum is not entirely different in that concept. you could be the no 1 pvp player (colosseum fighter), and be absolutely shit at fighting mobs. i got this idea from the game itself; how purely PVP people are sometimes ungeared bc why would they be if they only fight comp on, so if they go PVEing theyd prolly have a really hard time grasping mechs. and purely PVE people themselves would have a hard time with PVP as well. of course there still would be the occasional people who are both God in pve and pve; i still dont have a DNkid representing that category yet... hm.

to add into my “people dont rly know how to effectively fight other people!” thing, well, in my storyworld too, you CANNOT simply unsheathe your weapon in town. you’d get caught by the royal guards or idk if they have police in SH or anything and get sued. we have civilians in the town guys!! you cant just pull out your mace!! there are serious repercussions..!! if you fight in town thats even worse (esp if u use your weapons)- you can get jail time. and the highest crime of it all is if you kill a person. big no-no. just no. i got this idea from the fact that towns are a no-skill zone. :thonk: so ya people fighting isnt the norm here. you go to the colosseum for that.

heck i even thought of how people have like.. licenses to carry their weapons. like when you graduate from your base classes you go through this formal.. registration.. thingy... idk what its called im not educated enough to know what this is but yea adventurers do go through a formal system whereby they register themselves, their classes, their weapons... etcetc. like uh, bjolne. first class chaser, second class raven. weapons: scimitar, a pair of crooks, shurikens, smoke bombs, small daggers, (lists all his gazillion weapons here). and everytime they change their weapons or upgrade their gears they have to also update the... people.. in charge of that department..? they probably have a form for this or something. and i thought about how most weapons would be made in town (see: blacksmithes) and so would have their own unique trait that therefore would differentiate it as being the only one? like how guns have their serial numbers or something like that. so that if the owner shoots someone the police can track it back to them? again, not knowledgeable enough to explain it sufficiently or attach proper terms for this. but theyd use this system too because i like to think that sometimes adventurers lose their weapons in dungeons or anywhere due to being injured and having to leave immediately, or for whatever reason, so if anyone found that weapon you can trace it back to the owner. also like the gun example, if a weapon was used as a crime tool then it can also be tracked to the adventurer. its why saints (or just normal doctors) are quite important in this aspect, because well, finn, at least, knows to look for these kind of stuff when hes working with injured patients. hes trained to recognize wounds made by mobs and those made by other people, aka other adventurers, or other weapon-wielding people. if its true they were inflicted by other adventurers then he has the rights to notify the authorities for an investigation, because harming another person is illegal >:c!!!

all in all i am just saying this because i thought about how people might think that my blade dancer, laythe is way overpowered or some gary sue because i always emphasize on the fact that he has.. never lost. hes not overpowered. its just that in my DN storyworld, the setting just so happens that people are not used to fighting other people, especially with the intent to kill. sure they have the colosseum to brawl it out, but the way i set my DN storyworld colosseum is that you absolutely cannot kill a person in there. its simply a place to fight to your heart’s contents but you cant kill or be killed there. kinda like real world boxing matches. can you punch and beat the shit outta people without getting sued? hell yes! can you kill them? bloody hell no!!

in colosseum your damage input and output is controlled by idk some unseen power and also rules (see: compensation on pvp) and though you can get quite seriously injured, you cannot die in the colosseum. if a battle gets too bad the match gets stopped. heck, i even made an entire batch of OCs to be colosseum medics (fantasia c’esthall and her party) on standby to show how much i want people to know that HELLO IN MY DN WORLD YOU CANT DIE IN THE COLOSSEUM

so if you think of how my storyworld was set, it makes sense a bit. you have laythe, who is very proficient in using his class skills for murdering people bc hes... laythe, and most unlucky adventurers who comes across him simply just doesnt know how to... counter that. people are nothing like dungeon monsters. you need to have a very specific skillset for those two entirely different things. you put a Moonlord who his entire life has been training and fighting minotaurs and suddenly hes pitted off against an insanely fast and ruthless Blade Dancer who likely stabs and strangles people for a living. that moonlord, though he might be a very strong moonlord, has no chance. he’ll literally be a moonlord because his soul would be dancing in the moon when half his head gets sliced from laythe’s chakrams.

(also i should probably mention that both laythe and raythe dont live in town. they live deep in the forest/dungeon. raythe chose the place bc its quite secluded... so theyre not really adventurers, theyre just weapon-wielding people... in a way.. neither of them have registered weapons too. illegal kids.)

#dn #laythe #raythe #mentioned:#bjolne

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indianroseeee-blog · 6 years ago

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I could still feel the tears falling down my face as my rhuematologist told me that i have been diagnosed with Lupus. I blamed everyone. When I found out it can also be genetic. I dropped because my mother is also dealing with the same condition i had. I sometimes chose not to talk and hold so much anger inside when i was mostly needed to relax and not stressed. I felt that my life would be over with. I graduated in 2013 from L W Higgins High School and moved in my apartment the following year.

Around this time i was also in school and working two jobs. My husband had a job also. Then one day i was working at Walmart as a cashier. I was scanning someones order and almost passed out. She asked me was i ok and i told her no i really didn't feel good. So i went home and laid in my bed feeling like i just ran 5 miles. Around this time my bipolar tendencies started to kick in because i was scared and paranoid. Every time i get sick i always go to talk like i am about to die. I realize there is much more i wanna live for.

One day in the middle of the night, i woke my husband up from his sleep. i had so much excruciating pain that i could not hold myself up. He thought i was being over dramatic but i was being very honest. But , he still ended up bringing me to the hospital. There we set and waited for a hour in the waiting room at Oschner ER in Kenner,LA. The kept saying it was a urinary tract infection. so they prescribed me antibiotics that had sulfate in it. I took the pill and went to bed. I woke up again and begged my husband to bring me back to the ER because i was suffocating. I caught an allergic reaction and my glands and airway swelled. They gave me medicine and told me tried to get rid of it the natural way. I went to another emergency hospital called East Jefferson Hospital in Metairie, LA.. They were saying the same thing. That night i went home and begin to eat and it would run straight through me. Like literally sometimes i couldn't even make it to the bathroom. Or sometimes when i feel the urge to pee, my body starts to make me pee. I had no control over my body what so ever.

I was taking a bath in all hot water and it wasn't burning me, but it was hurting my husband to help bathe me. For the next few days i would sleep all day. I couldnt eat because i couldn't hold anything down. i would have really bad sweat episodes to where my body sweat imprint would be soaked within the bed. Then i couldn't breathe laying down, so i sat up to go to sleep. Around 12:30 at night i squealed my husbands name and he didn't here me and i said it one more time and woke up. I told him that i couldn't breathe and he carried me from our upstairs apartment to the car. He was so worried he kept telling me to respond to him. I began to go in and out of consciousness. By this time, My whole face swelled to where i couldn't see anything. By the now the nurses know me by heart.

i was rushed to the back. My BP (blood pressure) was 98/52. which is not good. The ER doctor called the admitting doctor because he told me he didn't know what was going on and i have been coming back and forth here between the last two weeks. They admitted me and it took them almost two months of me being in the hospital, that it was my kidneys. My kidneys were failing. So at first they had me on 60 MG Prednisone & Imuran & plaquinil. Then they switched me to cellcept. My body started to regulate again. By this time i lost everyone because of me not being able to work because of how sick i was.I couldn't even finish school semester all because i was in the hospital. I felt like there was nothing left. I felt as if now i became a burden on others and i never wanted someone to feel like they were obligated to take care of me.

When my husband watch the lady trying to put and IV in my vein, he broke down. The nurse told me that she was gonna stick me and i didn't move or respond. She ask me did i feel anything and i said no. My body was not respond to pain or touch.

i ended up in that hospital unable to move.

Then came my second kidney failure which was completely different from the first one. In feb of 2016 i was in an accident where the lady hit me head on.I was vomiting up blood, blood clots eroded from my skin, alopecia, Skin rash over entire body, Peeling like a new born baby. My skin would heal, peel, bleed, infect, heal, and repeat again. This took about a year. Around this time i had gained 60 pounds i would say or more in retention fluid.i would have the worse muscle spasms. When i went to the ER i kept getting pumped with narcotics until they figured out the problem.

Sometimes it would be so bad that it started to affect my work, i would always be late to class because the fluid was taking over my body.it was painful to walk, because the fluid is applying pressure. i would vomit blood. i was going to the ER every two days. It was horrible. i retained so much fluid that it affected my sex life and brought my body through changes. My vagina had completely swelled and it burned to pee a little, i didn't know what to do. My skin cam completely sunburned on my vagina it looked like. It was swollen so bad that my husband could not have sex with me cause i was so swollen. He did and he takes great care of me. When my vagina swelled it got worser. I started to feel like i had a booty in the front and back.When i slept i had to lay a towel down because the fluid started seeping through my skin. My mother would just sit that and run her fingers through my hair and cried. It was my kidneys again. i started a chemo infusion called Rutuxinmab. Dr. Stephen Morse (Nephrologist) of LSU family practice & Louis Espinoza (Rhuematologist) of LSU family practice saved my life.

my skin would dry out even with lotioning my body. i would have to lotion my body two times to three times a day. Then it had to be non scented lotion. Like Cetaphil. i bath in every that didn't have a fragrance and will post more blogs about that to come. I would only take lukewarm bathes and i would wash myself twice. When having a open sore , always keep it wrapped. Around this time i had to quit working and i could not even go to school. Each time they made me payback to school. I would bring medical records and all of what happened. I even provided pictures. It was weird cause they granted a refund to her when her grandmother passed. I felt sad because what was happening was something i couldn't control. Then i moved to Dallas,TX and I was in the hospital at first for two weeks cause i had a flare up and i told them i had lupus but thats all they know. They really didn't take the trusting their patients seriously. They asked me what was my old hospital information and i told them but the hospital i was at did not but only mailed. So i waited about two weeks but in the meantime i told them to do a kidney biopsy. This would have been my second one.

Ladies and gentlemen , this procedure can be done while woke. But after the procedure you can not leave the bed for 6 hours, so i slept. They told me to take it easy and i didn't understand really because my first kidney biopsy i was up and about right after i left. But this one was different my back was in so much pain i was knocking myself out. A Few weeks later they got my info. They wanted to contact me but when they found me in the ER they were ready to talk to me. They told be it was Stage 5, but it was only 20% damaged and 80% percent good. We think we can make this go into remission. They also asked me why am i vomiting blood and i told him i didn't know it must have been my gastritis. so they did ANOTHER endoscopy . Its when they inserted a tube down your through to your abdomen to see if they say abnormalities. This procedure ofcourse you was kicked out. But this was worst. When i woke up i my lip was in so much pain. Y'all i bit my lip. I mean it look like someone knocked my ass out. I was like what happened? and they told me that happened sometimes during the procedure and i said oh never with the first one i didn't though. Then y'all guess what, i said why am i so wet? They told me sometimes the patients pee a little during the procedure.

Well guess what it wasnt not piss , it was shit , LMAO!! yo , i told the lady , “ y'all know y'all offed up, y'all could at least told me i shitted on myself, can i get stuff to wash my shitty ass ,LMAO i was so embarrassed. I was like why lord. But overall i haven't been in the hospital but I'm not into full remission yet. and my doctors know what i want my future plan to be and I'm fine with that. So now we are currently working on getting me off these meds. :)

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neo-shitty · 3 years ago

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toffee!

no dont apologise! i didnt check until just then so np :)

mmm yeah it is a bit trippy. hehe ITS TRUE THO. yeah sadly i think ur right, and tag blocking is probably a good idea. sometimes smut written well or not in excess is okay but goddamn when its abt 01 line and thats the whole fic... *silently blocks tags*

hehe i do that all the time lol this conversation is carrying on threads from a month ago :) mmm yeah ur probably right sadly, same. HA HE DIDNT HAVE A CHOICE and now i have someone to talk to abt them, so thats good! I KNOW felix was actually the one who got me into skz with his iconique gods menu line so i guess i have a soft spot for him. i always tell myself my bias is chan but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ guess im more whipped than id like to admit. mmm yeah that does make sense dw i hope they do that as well. YES king seungmin hIMSELF. GODDAMNIT DONT GET ME STARTED ON MINHO IN GODS MENU I DIDNT EVEN KNOW HE WAS PART OF THE GROUP UNTIL I STARTED GETTING MORE INTO THEM. BITCH (affectionate) THE LINE DISTRIBUTION HAS BEEN UTTER DOG SHIT but *deep breath* its better now so were moving on adn hoping it stays that way. sis same but i may or may not have gone thru a rlly depressed phase and actively sought out the elimination episodes so i could actually force some tears out of my emotionless shell of a heart but what cna you do? lmaoo i feel that irl, binnie deserves more vocal lines. yesss channies accent is rlly prominent then, i think also the way he structures his phrasing? is more english speaking than korean? but yeah i totally get what ur saying. AJKSAL lmao

okay then! im excited for whenever it gets done! (maybe tag me?) ahh the cold shrivelled heart of a dark au writer beats again at the thought of torturing another poor characters very soul (/j) :(( yeah that would suck not being able to see them. ohhh ur on the other hemisphere to me! were just going into spring rn. mmm smth to look forward to! YES you put it into words. they rlly are pretty independent from the company (remember how jyp rejected that other dudes songs after like 3 seconds and then how he was apparently nervous to show the song hed written to chan cos chan was so good at writing hits ahhh sweet revenge) mmmYES we rlly need a mute and remove notifications button for our brains dont we?

YES CORRECT i totally agree. some people jsut dont give it a try, adn assume its bad cos its korean smh racist assholes. yes! im coming up to my 6 month anniv actually! sis sAME, i feel like theyre being tugged into appealing to the western american market and theyre not staying as true to their artistic flair as a group, especially with only writing english songs atm. *sigh* ah well, at least theyre bringing recognition to the kpop world. AHUH dead on, theyre going to be discarded pretty soon and then where will bp be? theyll prob go solo paths which is rlly sad but what can you do when the company is run by a prideful asshole? yg is not going to last much longer in the big four if they keep this up.

hehe you get it. oooh very cool! whos ur ult? (sorry if youve said this before) mmmm yeah good decision, i feel liek thats probably a wise decision. this is my first album release as a kpop stan (not counting mixtape oh) so i think ill get it for sentiments sake. yeah! im excited for the new music! mingi was the one who got me into them, but atm my bias is seonghwa followed by san, wooyoung and ateez but jonghos high notes man *swoon* he, yeah atm ive got jake, jay, nikki, jungwon and sunoo down so just trying to get the rest :) heh, yeah kard i rlly only got into cos of bm, ive seen him like interacting with a lot of idols and he seemed nice so i decided to check out the group. ikr gunshot man *another swoon*

no noe! i didnt know what it was until i got it lol. thx toffee ill try and take that to mind :) yeah lol im on a waiting list thats not going to be free until late september so hopefully i can hold on until then. hope ur okay, that sounds like it sucks, hope you can find someone. maybe ill just take you along on my phone and the therapist can get a two for one patient deal lmaooo. mmm, sorry no i havent mentioned it before, i dont rlly talk abt it much. uhhh basically hypermobility? if you google it, it doesnt seem bad, jsut joint flexibility but ive got the severe end of the stick, leaning towards ehlers danlos syndrome so thats fun. basically it just makes it hard for me to exercise, run, jump, stand or just walk for long periods of time and gives me a lot of joint and muscle pain so... thats fun! but obviously so many other people have it worse than me, so i try not to complain. normally in young people it will improve as they get older, but my doctor said bc its severe in me, its unlikely to get much better. but again, i dont have the worst lot in the bunch, so its all g.

oh its good that its not the bad type of rain, a light sprinkling can be relaxing sometimes. aww thx darl, the concern is appreciated but it went pretty well and i managed not to cough too much on stage or kill myself trying to run around to the other side of the stage in the pouring rain so thats good! oooh tea buddies! my dogs a labradoodle, but shes a bit more of a feral poodle lol not much labrador in her at all, unless its her relentless urge to hunt down every bird that has ever walked this earth smh :((( hopefully they can come back on soon, does uni have dances?

ahhh a mood if i ever heard one. hopefully things will get better for you soon, ik anxiety sucks ass. ooh thats always good! when its sunny here, its always melt ur thongs to the pavement hot so the nicely cool sunny days are a lovely change. hehe impatience is not so good for you, but good for us that get to see ur beautiful theme early. ahh no worries, itll come eventually hopefully. and if not, then just things that make you not anxious are good. it doesnt have to be black or white, sometimes gray is good. mmmmm sames i have midterms this week to catch up on and then two weeks of end of terms so thats fun! i hope u can overcome that a little, heres some channie to be ur motivation https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8LWyNjzOww. hah! i hear that all the time, he seems to be everywhere. did you see that tiktok of hans slowed back door rap, i stg it sounded EXACTLY like namjoon, it kinda scared me. also teh beginning of another day, sounds so much like joon i swear.

that reminds me! idk ur biases! i feel like this should be smth i should know so please! feel free to elaborate!

ahh im glad, i was worried it is. mmm same, so no hard feelings if either of us misses a day or smth. ill start worrying if weeks/months have gone by, but if its just a little while thats more than fine. ill just picture you studiously completing notes and i wont worry lol

<3 w.a. 🐺

at some point i really think i'm going to start blocking accounts because blocking tags won't be enough. i saw ask tags the other day and it just made me want to bleach my eyeballs.

i could talk about god's menu felix for hours man. the teaser for god's menu that featured his part on the bridge made me look forward to the mv release. you: biases chan, also you: lixiesbabyhands. yes you are more whipped than you think. i can't believe orange haired minho was given NOTHING during that era but they kind of made up for it in the b-sides. i also hope it stays that way. the distribution for this era was pretty fair.

"torturing another poor character's soul" in all honesty, i used to live for this. 2017 me leading up to early 2020 wrote nothing but angst. i have another aussie friend on twt and tbh i'm still really (O.o) about the seasons! jyp should be terrified skz could easily take over that company. heck if skz grow old and start their own company, they'd probably do a great job at running it. PLEASE. i have issues on muting/notifications both mentally and in real life. sometimes, i just wish to disappear.

some people in my country are just disgusting tbh. not only racist but homophobic too. they label kpop as 'gay' and it DISGUSTS me. it's a problematic behavior/mindset people in my country need to fucking get rid of. anyway, HELP ME 6 MONTHS??? and i've been in this shit for like a decade eye. tbh, i’m not fond of kpop groups trying to appeal to the western audience :// it feels like they’re losing their identity in a way. yes recognition but at what cost? yg has my favorite groups but that’s one shitty company when it comes to promoting.

okay my ult! it’s haechan from nct but i consider chan an ult too. like a close second above my whopping list of kpop boys. oh yes! you should get the album just for like a keepsake? remembrance? how did mingi appeal to you? omg did you start getting interested in ateez back when he was still on hiatus? NOT YOU BIASING THE SAME PEOPLE I DID WHEN I FIRST STARTED STANNING. the infamous ateez thot-line. jongho is easily one of the best fourth gen vocalists out here, no one can change my mind :( good luck with memorizing the rest of enhypen! just in time for the comeback too. i hope i’ll get into kard soon but i’m pretty content (and a tad bit overwhelmed) with the amount of groups i stan right now.

please hold on though, feel free to vent here if you like. thanks for the offer tho HAHA but like i’ll try to get checked here too when the cases die down a bit. i’m sorry to hear about your condition though :( please don’t ever overwork yourself to the point that your joints/muscles would ache. it’s completely valid to complain about it tho. i get that you have others in mind but keeping that mindset really doesn’t do you (like you internally) any better? so if you need to, vent your frustrations out and don’t keep it in.

oh my god, about your performance last sunday. was the stage out in the open? glad you didn’t cough too much and did well on your concert. i’m proud of you! i can never understand dogs and poor birds T_T uni doesn’t have dances unfortunately. i think there’s just one party at the end like a graduation ball. what year are you in anyway? if it’s something that you’re fine with sharing. if not, it’s cool.

good luck with your exams! and thanks for the link! AHA what a cutie. i think he does this motivation thing once in a while during his lives and it’s just comforting. yeah joon and han my irl just freaked when we made that discovery. ult crumbs for her. oh god not me forgetting about every biases when you asked. you can ask for my biases in a few groups just list down the one’s you’re interested in knowing.

i missed yesterday because i was grinding and finishing what if we stay + school work. finally did it today. i’m sure i’ll reply in like a day or two, definitely not a month unless i state otherwise. if i ever decide to abandon this blog, i’ll let you know.

#toff.asks #wild anon 🐺

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imagineshiratorizawa · 8 years ago

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OHOHOHO THEN hcs for childhood rivals (is that a thing? children can have weird rivalries.... they fight over crayons....) to best friends to lovers trope for kawanishi and semi?

Taichi Kawanishi

ღIt all started when they were little. Their mom were friends and wanted their kids to be friends as well

ღA mistake because you were too loud for his tastes and he started ignoring you. That didn’t suit you well

ღYou fuking punched him and you started to fight, your moms had to come and separate you both lmao

ღAfter that well you both weren’t on good terms with each other

ღYou just couldn’t let it go and neither could him apparently

ღYou always, always had to fight aka one fight per year

ღAlso because you were always one-upping his scores and looking at him with a haughty look, (absolutely shameful)

ღAfter you graduated from middle school the fights cooled down a bit, honestly gave your mom a breather because you always came home with some sort of bruise on you courtesy of taichi (and taichi as well) and after the fights started lessening, your bruises did too

ღOn your last year of being middle schoolers you got paired up for a project (im just a walking cliche aren’t i?) and he dared you that you couldn’t get into shiratori because of that really fucking difficult exam

ღYou agreed to take it, if only to shut his mouth up (it wasn’t even your first school of choice you wanted to go to seijoh) (s/o wanted to be a seijoh whore)

ღYou both went on the same day to take the exam, glaring at each other thru it, it was a wonder how you both managed to complete it

ღThe next day taichi had volley tryouts and told you some kind of passive-agressive stuff like “sucks for you that you don’t get a chance to get in on a sports scholarship” idk maybe taichi thinks you won’t get in on grades and also doesn’t have the same chance to get in thru sports

ღ Anyway he told ya he thought he did good and to wait until next week for the scores and letters

ღWhen next week came you trotted up to taichi with a grin, practically shoving the paper down his throat as you showed him the score. You had passed and it was almost close to a perfect score

ღTaichi was shocked (not that he’d tell you) and showed you his score, which quite high, but did not come near yours

ღYou then asked about the tryouts and he told you he was accepted, which was a relief because his mother had been bugging him about it

ღYou congratulated him and told him “we should have a fight on our first year there hm? Just like old times where i would beat your ass~~”

ღSavage reader-chan

ღHe was shocked because he thought you wanted to go to seijoh but you shrugged and shook your head; “nah i wanna at least see what school shira is. If i don’t like it i could always change schools”

ღafter that you made changes and started to treat each other amicably and you couldve called yourselves friends

ღthey did indeed fight on the first day there and that like cemented it lmao

ღYou still kept teasing him and beating his own scores (you both were in advanced classes)

ღOn your second year the teasing toned down a bit, and you spent more time with him, going to all of his practices, games and away games too when you could.

ღHe had come to care for you and what better way to ask you to be his than on the last tournament of the year, the Interhigh spring high or interhigh lol i dont remember either thanks anyway i’ll use that then~~

ღYou were already up with the school but taichi texted you to meet him before the first game started. You did and met him outside in the hall.

ღHe gave you his jacket, before asking you out. There was a slight waver to his voice from the nervousness

ღYou were shocked and couldnt believe, after everything but you accepted with a cocky smirk, pulling him down for a smooch

Semi Eita

ღYou did not get off to a great start with semi

ღYou may have stolen a ball he was playing with and refused to give it back

ღYour first fight ever and it was versus a guy for a freakin’ ball

ღFrom then on you fuckers tried to fight each other everytime you saw each other

ღYou were always trying something to rile him up, always teasing him with a grin

ღYou were driving him crazy and not in a good way

ღThis continued up to highschool

ღWas he practicing volleyball? Gotta have a snide comment thrown his way every now and then. His unfashionable clothes? Another comment too

ღAnd then satori had to give you material to tease him more honestly

ღHonestly each time you walked into a room and he was there it was a pissing contest and a huge amount unresolved (sexual-) tension

ღIn your second year you stumbled upon semi angrily serving a ball into the court, just it missed by a lot and almost took your head off if you hadn’t moved in the nick of time

ღHe looked at you, looked right thru you really and his eyes were red and he was breathing heavy, mumbling a rough sorry as he went to pick another ball to serve

ღYou whistled at him, positioning yourself on the other court to attempt to receive his serves

ღHe nodded, serving just as hard as before

ღThe first serve you couldn’t properly receive, cursing at the sting but looking at him to do it again

ღThe afternoon was passed away in a flurry of volleyballs, curses and feet running on the court

ღAfter he ran out of balls he walked up to you, panting and stretching his shoulders out. You rubbed the sting off your arms, plopping down on the floor. He sat in front of you, hunched over

ღ“What happened semi? I’ve never seen you so pissed off, and thats something because that’s my job” “you know shirabu?” “the new kid on the team? Yeah what about him?” “He’s taking my spot… on the team.” “WHAT? But semi-sem-” “-dont call me that-” “you’re better than him!!” “I know… thanks y/n. You helped… alot.” “even if i’m your sexy rival~?” “I’ll disagree on the sexy part.” “Rude! I’m sexy and you know it~!” “Maybe you’re not so bad after all y/n.” “could say the same of you eita.”

ღAfter that there was less teasing coming from you and you soon both became friends

ღ“Semi-semi~” “don’t” “pick me up” “Why should I?” “Why shouldnt you?” “..fine” “yay~” “happy now?” “oooh~ the great semi-semi is picking me up with his strong manly arms~” swoon

ღOf course being friends didnt stop you making things a contest every single time

ღYou passed more time with him, satori, the team and other classmates were asking if you were dating

ღY/n looked into the Camera like in the office

ღ“Satori pls” “i mean you’ve been spending so much time with him~” “cut it we’ve been rivals since we were little” “true”

ღAnyway it wasn’t until your third year that you were like “yeah. I like Semi-Semi. Unfortunately.”

ღIt was on the spring tournament, before the first game that he pulled aside when you gave him the good luck charm. He took your face in his hands and drew you in for a deep kiss, leaving you breathless. (There was faint shouting in the background courtesy of the third years yelling “get it Semi-Semi/eita”)

ღHe moved back, embarrassed, but he tightly held one of your hands, a bashful smile tugging at his lips.

ღ“didn’t know you had it in you Semi-Semi” “s-shut up /////” “I’ll be cheering you on when you serve eita~!” “Thanks… babe.” “:3c” “what’s with that face?” “Nothing~”

ღEvery time it was his turn to switch in for the serves he looked up at you, waving and mouthing ‘good luck’

ღWhen Shiratorizawa Lost against kara you stood stunned and quietly slipped out of the bleachers To go stand near the exit.

ღSemi was one of the last to leave, spying you and lagging behind the others.

ღHe quickly took you in his arms, angry and frustrated, just like that day in your second year. You just held him saying nothing.

ღAfter a while hayato came looking for him since they had to leave, seeing both of you wrapped up.

ღ“You played great semi, and those service aces were spectacular.” “but we still couldn’t win” “but a team is of six people eita, you only couldn’t bring the team to victory and you know it.” “I know… you always know what to say” “I’ve known you my whole life eita of course I know.”

ღHe walked away, catching semi’s eyes and motion towards the bus.

ღEita nuzzled into your neck, pulling away and planting a smooch “after we get to school, get to the gym and wait outside. I’ll come get you because we have punishment to do” “what punishment?” “100 serves” “yikes” “yeah” “this is because of wakatoshi isn’t it?” “Yup” “whatever, I’ll be there, like always”

ღWhen he came and got you, he made you sit a little ways behind him on the serve line, with a lot of water bottles, his phone and jacket (which you wore.)

ღHe started, along with the others, to do the punishment, looking back at you every couple of serves.

ღWhen he was around the 50 mark he stopped and sat next to you, taking one of the bottles you offered and drinking from it.

ღYou moved and put your head on his shoulder, your hand squeezing his other hand.

#haikyuu!!#kawanishi taichi #semi eita #hcs #sfw #admin koru #with help of my beta reader!

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tijuana-blues · 8 years ago

Text

I waited until i got to work to type this.

The end of this month crosses the 1 year mark. only one year ago my world was completely different, and on the Verge of Collapse. A little backstory is needed before i continue.

Yesterday was a normal Tuesday for me. Work didnt stress me, no problems arose. My parents texted me and my brother to eat steak for Dinner. The Food was delicious, and i was preparing to head home, hit a Nice Big Dab, play a round of Smite, and hit the sack, seeing as how i hadnt slept in over 24 hours, and the only thing fueling me was the Gram of Coke i bought on Monday lol.

So as i Get up to Put away my dishes and say goodbye, i get a FaceBook Message. Its my Cousin, Isaiah.

He says he got into an Argument with his dad and got kicked out. He needed somewhere to sleep for the night.

Sure, I tell him. I cant just ignore him if he has nowhere to go. He meets me at my house 5 Minuets later with a backpack full of beer, a bottle of Vodka, and half a loaf of bread and sandwhich meats. My Cousin is crazy lmao, he has the Apache Blood in him more than me. Anyway, since hes staying, i ask if he can find some Wax, so i wouldnt be taking from my Brothers Stash. We meet up a half hour later and pick it up.

so were in my garage, passing the rig back and forth while i Showed him how Smite Worked. And then suddenly he pulls a rolled up baggie out his pocket.

A rolled white Baggie full of powder.

“well we can finish this off, then. since youre letting me Crash here.”

Im not one to ask for payment to crash at my place, but i wasnt gonna say no either lol.

he pours it out on the glass i had been using myself and began to chop it fine with the razor blade i used too.

i had taken a couple pretty good sized dabs in quick order, so i was pretty toasted when he handed me the glass and rolled up dollar. I only saw the 2 lines he had cut on it, so i just assumed he cut two for both of us and i was going first. So i just aim the dollar at the line on the right and Snort away, dragging the dollar quickly, then my Nostril Burst into Flame. I had made a mistake, he cut one line for Me from the PILE on the left.

The PILE i just Tornado’ed up my nose, and was now drinking water to keep my throat from going numb from the river of coke mucus running down it. I hear my Cousin laughing next to me.

“youre a maniac, Cuz! you railed that whole Fat ass pIle!”

Well Fuck. so much for sleeping. Lighting Coursed through my Veins 5 minuets later, and i started drinking Beers to fight the Drip.

Now Isaiah told me that it was Good Shit, but i hardly take his word for it Nowadays. hes off mark most of the Time. Not this time, Though.

15 Minutes Later im Chainsmoking Cigarettes out front of my Driveway Drinking beer and my Jaw was shaking in my Head.

You know its Good Shit when it makes someone who spent the last 24 hours doing Coke often, gives him the Jabber Jaw.

me and Isaiah just began to talk bullshit into the NIght. at Around Midnight he was talking about a girl he knew for awhile now liking him. And him liking her too but he didnt think a Relationship would be good at the Time.

Then Youre Face appeared in my Head. Like it always does. I havent Gone a day yet where i dont see you in my head.

I dont know what caused this, Perhaps it was the Coke in my System with the Beer. Or Maybe it made me finally push past my Insecurities.

i Began to talk about how i Felt the Same, how i couldnt really talk to other women or really want to because of the Luggage i was Still Carrying with My Ex, Maria.

And from there i began to talk and Talk and Talk. I couldnt Stop, the Words i had been saying in my head Every day this Past Year came out. I sat in my Garage all night Long, Until 5:00 AM, Talking to Isaiah About Her.

I didnt hold back, and surprised myself as my eyes stayed dry and my Voice Stone Cold.

I told HIm about How every Woman i ever Dated All Cheated on Me and Left me without a Second Glance. About How My First Girlfriend Megan roped me into a 3 year Lie and ruined my trust in people. I talked about how the girls i dated afterwards all did the same thing, and how i wished i was joking to him.

I told him about how i blamed myself for each failed relationship, and how id spend nights trying to figure out a way to fix myself. How i felt like i wasnt meant to be Happy with anyone and how i stuffed it all down deep and dealt with it only in my most private moments.

...And Then i told him about How I Met her in my Junior Year of High School. The Class was Anatomy, a class full of 24 teenagers with the worlds Laziest Teacher. It was the First Day, and I walked in to a semi empty classroom with kids walking around, picking out a seat for the rest of the semester. the desks all faced forward, in groups of twos in four rows across. I took a seat on the outside Left side around the Middle. I just dropped my Bag and sat in my Seat, waiting for the class to start, checking my phone every now and Again.

And the seats began to fill up, the Desk next to me taken by a Tall Nerdy looking kid with blonde hair and Garth Glasses, A KId i Befriended. Daniel Butttruck. Thats not how you spell the last name but thats how it sounds lol. So i named him Butt Truck and thats his name to this day lol.

The Chair in front of Daniel on the right was taken by a Friend of Daniels, A glasses clad Girl name Aly, And all you need to know about her is that she has a IQ just North of a Bedroom Slipper.

And lastly, A Girl In crutches slowly approached the chair in front of me, and slid into the Chair as the class started. She had a big black velcro Boot strapped to her Leg, and it stuck out into the walkway on our left a bit. She had Dark Hair that was cut into a really cute short style. At first i didnt really notice her until a few weeks into the semester where the Teacher flipped the front two desks around, making Pods of 4. So Now She Faced me and Aly faced Dan on the right.

Thats When i noticed her.

She had Brown Eyes that shone slightly, like Fine Wood Tarnished to a Dark Brown Mixed with Lighter Browns. Her nose was a small little Button Nose between her prominent Cheekbones that raised when she smiled. She didnt Wear much Makeup, or at least looked like she didnt. I remember to this day about how i would see her smile and laugh a bit as we all got comfortable as a group, me cracking Jokes and being dumb some days, with Days. As time passed i began to Notice her more. I began picking her out in the hallways as i walked to class. Sometimes I would say Hi and see her reaction.She was like me in some ways, wasnt a morning person, and had the same sense of Humor. I remember the time Dan Told us about how he Broke his Leg at Blizzcon.

Yeah, if youre not 12 years old, Dan was the Kid who Broke his Leg in like 2006 at Blizzcon Dancing like a Zombie. He was on Tosh.O or was going to be? ill ask him next time i see him lol. Anyway, hes telling us this story and Maria and I are Freaking Out because we realized he is Internet Famous, and Laughed Like Crazy.

Soon enough, I went from saying hi when i saw her to stopping by her morning class to say hi and chat, since my morning class was down the hall from hers, then sometimes wed walk toward our next class. Mind You, i Was a Junior at 17-going on 18, and Maria was two years younger than me. I never tried to flirt with her, but i enojoyed talking to her. I remember clearly One Winter Morning as i walked in from the Bus Lanes to my Morning Government Class, I see her standing by her Morning classroom, i dont remember what it was. She had her phone and was tapping away on it. I quickened my Pace as i passed her, and called out, “Maria!” she popped her head up and looked at me, and i Flipped her off. She gave a look of Confusion and laughed, walking into her classroom as the bell rang. I remember giggling to myself as i sat down, then asking myself, “Why the fuck did i do that for?? Idiot!”

That was the beginning of my Senior Year, Graduated 2011. We didnt have much contact after i Graduated, while i did the little schooling i did do, and work at that God Awful Produce Factory that first year out of High School.It wasnt until about a year or so later, when i started my job at Wal-Mart and Moved in with Christian. i remember it being Spring When i Saw Her Again. I Was collecting carts to put back in the cart corral, when i heard a Girls Voice Call my Name out in the Parking Lot.

I look out towards Barros Pizza in the plaza and i saw her Again.

It was a Bright Sunny Day, Not too Hot yet in the Summer. Her Hair had grown a bit longer, but still had its shape. She wore a Bright Yellow SunDress with Sunflowers on it. I remember how Cute i thought it was on her. I remember this moment so clearly because it was in that moment i felt something inside my heart. Like a Spark running through it.

I smiled and walked out to meet her, she had two of her other friends with her, they had been eating at Barros. Maria Hugged me and Asked me how i had been, and i told her about how i started working there and i live on my own now, looking into colleges. We chatted for a few minutes before i had to go back to work. I asked for her number to text with and, she walked off. As i went back inside i remember the times in Anatomy with our little group, and how i used to enjoy chatting with her. it also made me Remember the day i flipped her off, Years ago. As i lay down in bed that night, I remember thinking of her and telling myself, “you know, i think she would be an awesome Girlfriend.”

Months Passed and i hadnt had much Contact with Maria. I had my own problems at the time and i remember that period of my life to be so unstable i didnt want to date a girl and Live there lol. But i would text her every now and then and wed talk for a bit. I remember her dating someone at the time, and living with them. One Night in Particular I noticed she was posting on Tumblr and it seemed like she was Upset. So i Texted her and asked if she was doing alright. She said she was fine, but shes too much like me, i say that just to get people to leave me alone. I text back that she can talk or vent to me, that i didnt mind. And she did. She began to talk about her Relationship with her BF and how they rarely see each other because of work schedules and School. She told me she was thinking of just packing her things and leaving while he was at work. I told her, “Do what you have to do. if you arent happy, why are you there?”

i texted about a week or so later. She left him. She Began talking about moving to Portland With a Friend, and Getting out of AZ. I remember being bummed out at the news, my feelings for her had began to grow. I decided to step away for awhile, let those feelings go away. It must have been around 3 or 4 months later, or longer? But anyway, i see her posting on Tumblr Again, and i send her a DM asking how shes been, and if she moved to Oregon. She replied back and said her Friend Flaked, and that she really didnt want to go anyway. She says to text her, and i Ask for her Number Again.

From then on, we talked semi often every couple days, more and more often as time passes. Finally, one Day i ask her to hangout sometime, go to the arcade, play air hockey. We had been talking pretty often by then, but no obvious flirting or anything. We meet up at the arcade and we take turns playing different games, Giant Connect Four, Air Hockey, Ticket Games. She bought me a little T rex with her tickets, i named him Revan. Then we just sat on a couch and People watched those who walked in. I remember feeling her arm against mine as we sat together, and Me leaning in Quickly and kissing her cheek, and Seeing her Smile.

About 4 or 5 more little Dates Later, I ask her if she would be serious, because i wanted to be.

Her Face Brightened as i saw her give the biggest Smile i ever seen from her, and she said Yes.

I told Isaiah how as the first year passed, i had been drunk off the happiness i had at the time. As i learned more about Maria, the more attractive she was to me. She is unlike any woman ive ever met before, or have met since. I told him about how i talked about her to my friends all the time, how smart she was, how she volunteered at a Funeral Home Embalming Bodies and playing with Corpses like a Badass.

Then came my 22nd Birthday, on the first year we were dating in 2014. I didnt even want a present from her, she was all i wanted any day. I dont know why i never told her things like that. She Baked me Fudge Brownies after work on the week of my birthday, and i was more than happy.

Then she pulled a box out of Nowhere, Smiled That Warm Smile i Had come to Adore, and Said “Happy Birthday Babe!”

Before that Moment, i Cant recall a time that i was genuinely Surprised like that. I remember the words stopping in my throat and jumbled with the ones i had tried to say Next. Genuine Excitement as i opened the Long Brown Box. I opened the top flap and pulled the Styrofoam Casing to the Rectangle stick inside, Bright White with a Black Line going Down along the Length of it. And inbetween the space in the Line at the Hilt, Was the Red and White Sigil of the Uchiha.

A fucking Uchiha Sword! Like i was in actual Disbelief when i Realized. And what i explain next i never told anyone other than Isaiah that night.

I had to Try my Hardest to keep from Crying in that moment. Not because i loved the Gift she had gotten me, and how she made it a surprise, Something no one has done for me before.

It was because i remember a couple weeks before,as we scrolled Netflix one evening, i Saw Naruto on the list. I geeked out and asked you if you ever watched it, and began geeking out about it to her. I Made her watch some of my favorite episodes, and she would playfully Tease me about it. As My birthday neared, i came home from work one day to watch some Naruto Myself, and Booted up Netflix.

Someone went about 4 episodes ahead of where we Left off Last. I was at Work, and it was her Netflix Account. She actually started watching it because of how much i told her i liked it. Then She picked out something SHE thought i would like, instead of asking what I wanted like My Lazy Ass does.

No one had ever shown interest in Me like that before, and it touched me right in that moment. I blocked all emotion and was all smiled as i Hugged her Maria and told her how much i loved it. That thing was glued to my hip for like 2 months straight, i would get high after work and watch old Samurai and Ninja Movies, and act out the sword fighting with it. I even slept with it for the first Week.

In the days after that, i saw Maria in a whole new Light. I always knew the Maria who had her walls up to Anyone, the “i really dont care,” attitude she had when she was grumpy in the mornings. I got a glimpse at the Maria That was Behind that wall, The Real Maria.

Who Was sweet, considerate, and Generous. Loving and who could make me laugh.

Ever since that i saw that small glimpse of Her, My heart swelled and pumped blood thrice as hard, and my hands would shake and my mouth would get dry.

I was Falling in Love with you.

Hours have Passed, its Around 2 AM. The Line of Coke has me at Full Speed still, having plenty to say still. Isaiah just sits and drinks, giving the odd acknowledgement every couple of Sentences.

The months after my Birthday have passed, and things seem great between Maria and I. If i only knew what i know now.....

If i had just Put more Faith in You, and in my Heart. It Kills me to know how things would be if i had just manned up and told you how you made me feel....

After the first year, the strain began. We both worked. I had the accounting Job with the Contracting Company, and Maria was Working at a local Kids clothing store, and Volunteered at the Funeral Home, Along with her classes, AND she tutored.

i understood she had a full plate alot of the the time, not to mention the headaches and pains she would have. And that time of the month the poor girl was in pain Constantly. So i didnt get upset or mad when she didnt have time to visit or was too tired from work. we were always talking.

But eventually the Strain and My past would come to Signal the End. it was August, 2015. My brother had fallen Behind on his Mortage Payments on his house, and needed to make a payment ASAP or he would lose the House. Naturally i gave him all the spare cash i could to keep a roof over our heads.

Unfortunately, It left me Penniless during the Month of August, which Marias Birthday was in. I Felt Like Complete Shit but i was in a corner. I apologized to her and promised to make it up to her. It wasnt a big deal to her, but i just hated that it made me look like i dont give a shit.

I had an Ace an hole, Though. i Saved a link to a site that makes Custom Rings that Maria had posted in Tumblr that she really liked and wanted. I ordered it and did it early enough to get it before Christmas. It was already Too Late.

Maria was beginning to grow distant, not replying as soon or as often before. the replies getting shorter and shorter, the tone colder and colder. As we approached My birthday again, I plan a Group event with my friends and family, cause last year we went Paintballing and Maria wasnt there, she had work and class.

So im thinking of what i could do for a group, and i see that Charlie Murphy is doing a show ON my Birthday, a Friday! It was Perfect. I called and Reserved seats for everyone, ordered Bottle Service, i was so excited!

I texted Maria Telling her About the Comedy show and Date of My Birthday. She says she cant make it cause of work, she gets off at around 12. I was Bummed, but I understood.

The Big Day comes and it starts off great. Work was a Breeze, and Maria greeted me with a Warm Happy Birthday first. As the day progressed Everything seemed Normal. As evening sets, we all get ready to go to the show. 8 o clock, Showtime!

it was a Fantastic Show, me and all my Friends and Family drinking and Laughing our Asses off. The only thing missing was Maria. I texted her before the show saying id text her after it was over. it woulda been near to midnight, and she coulda met up with us. The show ends around 1040, and the manager says we can finish off the bottles in the bar. Me and my Friends stay, and start getting Tanked.

Midnight Comes, and i text Maria asking if she was off yet and if she wanted to come meet us. Time passes, and no reply.

she probably went home and crashed, she was probably tired, I think, as it wasnt Abnormal for her to Nap during the Day or whenever she could. So i check Facebook, and it Hits me.

A friend Tagged her and some friends at Westgate, not Long ago.

My heart Goes into FreeFall in My stomach.

Why would she be at Westgate After work? did she Ignore my Text...? why...?

My insecurites flared, and i assumed the worst. I remember everything going Quiet around me, My heart Hammering in my chest, blocking out all other noise.

i Shouldve just called. i Shouldve had more Faith in you, and what i Meant to you.

When every girl you date cheats on you and leaves, in a Row, it was hard not to assume the worst, when the worst is what always happens to you.

I remember the tears welling up in my eyes as i get up to go outside the bar. She went to go out with her friends, and she knew it was my Birthday Today....

It didnt make any sense to me, it all seemed so unbeliveable. But ive been wrong before. And add the excessive Alcohol, you get a Recipe for a Terrible Mistake.

I wasnt Dumb, I knew Maria and I were Drifting apart, Our schedules getting more and more hectic. My job stressing me the fuck out day after day, Marias Packed Schedule.

I was so fucking stupid. Why did i wait? Why didnt i just drop to my knees and tell her when i look at her eyes, i feel like i could do anything. That when she was in my arms i Felt like i needed to become a Better man for her. Why did i wait?

December. Jerkoff Hipster making her ring is falling behind, gonna need a couple more weeks. delivery date mid Janurary. I Threw A fucking Fit. i could feel it all slipping away, no matter what I did. Why did i Wait?

I was so Terrified of Opening up to you, and you not feeling the same way. The Thought of looking into your eyes and telling you that i was in love with you, and i wanted to be with you forever, or until i died. I was Terrified of looking into your eyes and Shooting me down. The texts got shorter and shorter. only strengthening My doubts and Fears.

Christmas. The Ring wasnt Ready yet. Another Fucking Embarassment. She got me a Captain Phasma Painting and some Marvel Shirts. I tell you, “look, i ordered this is time to get it for Christmas, but the Guy Got Delayed and it wasnt ready yet, but... i showed you the Ring on my Phone.

It was the last smile i Saw on you in Person.

So many oppurtunities, wasted. so fucking Stupid. I promise to make it up to you.

Down to One Word Answers, or no Reply at all.

Janurary 2016. Hiroshima.

Valentines Day is Coming, Ill have the Ring Then! and i ordered a Cute little Stuffed Corgi to go with Some Flowers and a nice Romantic Date! i order everything and wait.

You came over one week, and seemed in such a foul mood, i couldnt place it. I thought you were in Pain Probably. I tried to cuddle you, kiss your cheek, you clearly dont want the affection. I try something alittle more...Adult.

You Grabbed my Wrist, and Yanked my Hand away, throwing it off you. I was in Shock. I still remember the look you Gave me that night, Clear as day. That Piercing Glare, Looking Right at me. Pure Anger. and Pain.

Youre replies, in thier Rarity, lacked no padding for thier sharp edges. I believe its all Over Now.

Late January 2016.

You came over one Last time. We had Sex one last time. I remember grabbing you after the first go around as you got up and laid you back down. I was such a Fool.

The Ring was Delivered that Weekend. Monday i text you to see when your free to visit next, your ring is ready and i wanted to see if it fit correctly. You reply your busy tomorrow. i ask with what? you reply with: Concert. i ask What concert. You say: Tribal Seeds.

You stopped Replying After That. The Next Day i texted you again asking when can you come hangout and see your Ring?

You Broke up with me after that.

It felt like everything around me had fallen below me, and all that was left was the dark and Silence. Typing about it now makes the Hole in my heart Ache. I remember how hard the Rain Poured that Night.....As i Cried along with it.

And it was only the Beginning for me.

The first weeks after that day are a blur to me. Either Too Many Drugs Or too Many Drinks, take your pic. i was Broken. One moment you were there, you were mine, and i was gonna fix everything come Valentines Day. I had a Nice Romantic Dinner planned, then a Scenic Walk where i would show you the ring and tell you that even though were having a Rough Patch right now, that i loved you and i wanted to do everything i can to prove it to you.

But you Had other plans didnt you?

God i can still feel my heart when I saw pictures of you and Him....I dont know how to Describe how Painful it was to see. It was only Feb, and you were already with someone else? Posting Valentines Shit? I cried for hours, I begged for you not to be like the others, To just leave me for Someone Else so Fucking Fast, like i was Nothing to you.

But thats how it went down, though. Didnt it?

Friends for over 5-6 Years, Lovers for 2.

I couldnt even get a goodbye.....Just a Text. Was that all i was worth, to you?

You got with him within Weeks of Dumping me. Yet your Tumblr youre heartbroken and sad. It was like i had Entered into some NIghtmare.

within the First Two Weeks, I dropped four Hits of Acid at Once. I wanted to Escape. Instead i jumped right into it. I see you posting on Tumblr. Sad, Depressing things. Your Tags show how you deleted the texts from your phone, even though you didnt want to. How you could literally see in your texts of your declining Affection for me. In the end, It was my own doing.

With the Courage of Acid, I messaged you. I ask if your okay, and you ask why, like i dont see your posts, like i dont possibly know why you could be feeling so sad. Even then, at the end, you couldnt be honest with me.

I ask you Maria cant we please Talk?

You say About what? Like you thought i was stupid.

And thats when i just finally, for the first time, although Far too Late. I opened up to you.

I remember Anatomy.

I Remember You At Barros that Day

I Remember Air Hockey at the Arcade.

I remember The Birthday Gift.

The Words poured out then like they do now, The Spark you set in my Heart was the most important thing to me.

Whatever i needed to do to make it work, no matter what, just please dont give up on me.....

You may as well as shot me dead with your reply.

“if you had said that before, things would be Completely different.”

“saying it Now doesnt Mean Much to me now”

Those words still Haunt Me, A Year Later. And it is not even the worst to come.

You Had the verdict long before i even knew. You Found my “dating Profile” Online, and didnt say anything. just let it stew inside you. As we grew apart it hurt to see you just blatantly ignore my messages. So i used that profile to look at women, nothing else. It was only on My Birthday i Night i Made a Mistake i Will Regret forever. Maria wasnt there, she was with her friends. she didnt want to come here, or answer my texts. she chose to be with my friends. I was always the girls’ Second Choice. I got Drunk. I got Upset. I wanted Petty Revenge. I cheated. I Dont even Remember her Name or what she really looked like. Never should have done it.

A month Passes. March. I ask to still be friends, and how i missed you. We start talking again, almost like how it used to be. Tagging each other in posts again.But i also See him. Concerts, posts, tags. It tore me apart. Some Days i would wake up at 4 AM from my alarm for work, and Your Face would be the first thing i see in my head. The Tears would flow before i could even open my eyes for the first time. I try to get you to meet up with me, so we can talk. After i opened up that night you agreed we should talk. Then you just changed your mind....You Said give it time, walk the path, smell the Roses, and maybe we can start again...

My heart is Pumping like a cannon as i go into detail for Isaiah, how i became a madman, was so motivated by the mere notion that MAYBE there was a CHANCE we could work it out later. I couldnt be stopped. I drank Nothing but Water, ate only Chicken, Raw Veggies, Salmon and Fish, and cut out ALL sugar and breads. I dropped 30 pounds in a Month, and was in great shape for a fight at the gym i trained at. I would watch these Inspirational videos everymorning at 3 AM, just to run for an hour. I posted everything on Snapchat, Only Because i Wanted Maria to see it. I was so Optimistic...

April 2016.

Family Vaction in Mexico. A week with a private beachfront Villa and as much Booze as i can drink. i go in with Gusto. The Villa Has Wifi, can keep up with your posts.tagged me in some. Then the posts about him.

I hated how it made me feel to read them. He had what i wanted for us. Our own Place. Just Us. and a Dog.

He took My Place and it Ate me Alive from the Inside.

I stayed up all night, drinking tequila by the shot, playing Toro Y moi and Chain smoking. I watched the reflection of the moon dance on the waves, and thought of you. When i hear the Ocean, and nights when the Moon is Large and Beautiful, i think of you.

I Broke that night......

I knew there was no Path, no flowers to smell.

There was no Second Chance.

I Lost her.

And i couldnt get her back. She didnt want me anymore.

she wants someone else now, and when i Think about it I have to imagine Flames burning the thoughts away.

I guess after that night, i lost my motivation, i Wised up.

And i knew i had to come clean to you. It was the hardest thing i ever did.

It hurts so much still, looking back. Im So sorry...

Even after i hurt you that day, i still saw a sliver of you come through your walls.

I begged for you in time to forgive me, and over time we could be friends again. Let me earn back your trust, understand i made a Terrible Mistake and im willing to do anything to make it work.

Most people would have told me to go to hell and never talk to them again.

But not you. Not even then.

You Said, “ Maybe in time i will forgive you. maybe i wont. Depends on how i feel. for now you should make yourself scarce.”

I was stunned,,,those words hung on me for months after. Did you really mean that, Maria?

And that was the last time i heard from you for awhile...i remember Breaking down at work....The Silence hurt the most. No Texts, No Posts, Nothing.

Not only did i lose the woman i Love, I lost a dear Friend as well...

When i Returned home, i Quit Training, I quit the fight, I quit Dieting. That deep, Dark Hole you brought me out of, Maria.....when i saw you that day....I went Right Back in.

since May 2016 i was in a hole that i could not get out of. sure, i made it look like i was living the life on snapchat, but in reality, on the inside, i was so broken. Then Life Decided to kick me while i was down, and Took my Bonnie away from me. As if it couldnt get worse. My Brother and I Bawled as they put her to sleep. I was so fucking Lost.....

So i texted the one person who maybe might put up with my Bullshit....You.

and you were nice, you coulda kicked me when i was down and wouldve been justified. But you heard me out....More of that Real you shining through.

It is 4 AM now. i have spent all night telling this story to Isaiah, who has listened intently this whole time.

I tell him how after the months of Bonnies Death, I just didnt leave the house. Tried my Best to leave you be and not see shit that would kill me on the inside. The days became Quiet and Lonely. your presence in Tumblr becomes less and less active.

I hardly see you or your posts anymore...

i harden my heart and try move on.

Then i see your posts about your health. the doctor scare, Lupus.

I felt so bad, and worried i wanted to see if you were okay, even though i knew you hate my guts.But i worried and Worried and finally said fuck it and just sent a message saying i heard what youre going through, im sorry, i hope you get better soon, if you need anything, please ask

I wasnt expecting a Response, Yet you sent one : Thanks for Caring.

couldnt expect more than that, so i leave it be.

That Night, Maria makes a post.

Its About me.

My heart jumped into my throat and got stuck. My hands shook as i held my phone.

I didnt completely erase you out of my life.

i still think about you, from time to time.

Thank you for texting me today.

thank you for still caring about me.

Despite the shit i post on here, I still Care about you too.

And No its not the drugs Talking.

I read and Re-Read that post thousands of times in the following months. On Bad Days, Days where i wanted to give up. I read that post and it kept me going. First time reading it i Cried for hours. It was as if God heard a prayer.

To see you say that you still cared.....you will never know what that did. how that felt for me. Even Now it makes me tear up.

My heart didnt hurt as much after that, it healed some of it. I was always confused with Maria. One moment she says she cares, then comes off as your nothing to her. i never knew which was which.

and now, as the year came to face my Birthday again. There was only one thing i wanted. truly wanted. and if i got it, getting nothing else from anybody wouldnt even fucking matter.

I just wanted you to say Happy Birthday.

I didnt think you would. i thought you would have moved on by now, enjoying youre new life with him. I couldnt bleed about it any longer. i took the pieces of my heart and piece it back together again. i began to accept reality. and the pain began to dull.

NOV. 20th 2016

Saturday.

Woke up Early and went out to the woods to do some shooting. all day there. Head back for some Missouri BBQ, and get ready to get Blackout drunk Tonight. Night Goes well, Got trashed, had fun, Fought a couple dudes, enjoyed myself.

Got back to Devins Late that night. Eat Chocolate BDAY cake drunk.

Head off for bed. I sit on the edge of the bed and look at the time. 9:40 PM

She isnt gonna say it. Oh well.

go to your blog to lookup your post to make me feel better.

Read the words, smile and Remember. Pain Begins to set in.

back out of tags to leave, see another tag you never seen before.

“C and I”

click tag link.

Heart Explodes in my Chest, Breath Frozen in throat.

Its a picture. of us. Smiling.

the Caption Read:” I know i have trouble expressing my emotions and feelings and stuff but this guy right here means the world to me. Hes sweet, caring and Funny and---”

I couldnt read the Rest. I began to Cry Non Stop, Like someone Just Told Me my mother was Murdered.

I couldnt stop it, couldnt control myself. The pain was so much. Each one more painful to look at. How did i never see them? How??

I couldnt do it anymore. I couldnt keep taking the pain of it. I deserved to be Happy too..

its been two months since that day.

its been over a year since i last seen you with my own eyes, heard your voice....

And now we reach the end of this story. i force myself to block out the memories, remember nothing.

I have to move on with my life....

and yet....after saying all that Isaiah, which After i had finished, 8 hours had passed. 8 hours i poured out my soul. such a weight had been lifted, it felt so good for someone to hear me out...

so i finish this sad story, and Isaiah asks me one question: How do you feel about her now?

I stayed quiet for a good amount of time. i mulled it over. every memory. Good. the Bad. The Ugly. and i finally settled upon:

I miss her, Isaiah. Not like a lover misses his spouse, but like a friend who helped another Grow.

I hope to see you again one day, Maria.

#m #personal #tldr #my soul

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