#at least ive been getting less nightmares recently

[szaryherbatnik]

Hm I always felt a sense of pride because of the amount of dreams i had that included my favorite characters etc. And its been around 5 months since i started watching loa. I had ONE dream that included loa characters (from ouaw). ONE dream in 5 MONTHS. But! At least once a week i get a dream featuring the loa crew. And i wonder if it has to do with the fact that i dont see the characters do anything, its just the players. The absence of dreams abt the characters is still so weird because i do look at a lot of fanart, i read fics, i hardly ever think abt anything else. Idk im wondering if people are experiencing something similar.

[ohhcalamxty]

hello. its been a while? 5 years actually. what a place this is! what a trip down memory lane of many emotions.

a quick tldr: im 25 now, im engaged and live with my amazing partner and 2 cats. i am ed free (for the most part - i still struggle to love my body sometimes), clean, and i am in therapy! a place i never would have thought id be.

i didnt think id come back here like. ever. but ive been having nightmares of sam recently. its odd isnt it, how the brain works? i havent seen sam in 7 years? since the 2nd june 2018 to be exact, and yet he haunts me. why?

this is an odd correlation but recently i got into taylor swift. her music has been wonderfully cathartic and whilst i never assumed id be one of those girls who screams breakup songs and curses them at my exes....here we are.

TTPD (and most of taylors sad songs) unhealed me, so to speak, or at least awoke something in me. i wouldn't ever proclaim i have had bad relationships. i am always grateful for the time myself and owen spent together, and i am extremely happy with josh (I'd say 2/4 of my relationships being good is pretty huge) but here I am screaming and crying over break up songs at the eras tour and tearing up in the shower because they resonate with a point in my life and put my feelings into words in a way I've never been able to do.

elliot was interesting but i try not to curse his name so much as we were 14 and maybe he didn't mean what he did because he didn't understand consent, or maybe i am naive and too nice - i guess we'll never know because he quite literally dropped off the face of the earth! (Also, minor shoutout for him delaying dumping me because my grandma died! i do appreciate that at least!)

sam however....oh where do I begin with sam!

"Were you sent by someone who wanted me dead?"

I think I spent a lot of my teen years reflecting on sam, because well, he fucked me up so much. i mean how emotionally spent must I be to have nightmares of someone who I spent less than 12 months with at the age of 16, and then collided with again for a single night at the age of 19. Clearly we're fucked here.

I cannot find the words to describe you, and I'm unsure what i did to deserve a love like this. You had a girlfriend that you loved and were with for years, and then I (your close friend at the time) got dumped, and you make your move. We hang out a lot, cool, fine, nothing new as we were friends anyway. My mind is hazy on how it started or when we went from friends to whatever we were but it haunts me so much lmao.

The constant talks of i was the one, and that yes I will leave her for you. I fear nobody ever talks about being the other woman because its so odd - it isnt a flex, it isnt cool or sexy. it fucking sucks and it fucked me up but i liked sam so much i believed it. I mean picture this: you're 16, just lost your grandma, heavily depressed, self harming, riddled with an ed and have been dumped but low and behold your best friend tells you he loves you and plays with your hair and holds you. we go on dates and have sleepovers with friends (he still had a gf btw) hes fucked up too but he worries and cares about you more than anyone else, but at the cost of if you try to pull away he hurts himself, and threatens suicide (and believe me he'd do it) - stuck between a rock and a hard place aye.

"And the God's honest truth is that the pain was heaven And now that I'm grown, I'm scared of ghosts - Memories feel like weapons"

Less than a year of back and forth, misery and stringing along. I can't remember how or why it ended but I know it took a lot of attempts of pulling away (and him pulling me back) to get away. A lot of bits are hazy but I can assume it must have been around the time when I met owen? There are old screenshots on here of sam talking to me and they make me feel unwell (not an exaggeration) - his words (even after it all ended) and how he tried to act like he cared makes me feel like a pit inside (even now). I do however find it funny that my posts from 2015 and 2016 about him claiming hes ruined my life don't seem that dramatic now that im 25 and having nightmares about him.

"Oh, God rest my soul, I miss who I used to be The tomb won't close, stained glass windows in my mind - I regret you all the time"

I think I would have been ok if this was it. I don't think I would be grieving my past self, my girlhood, my naivety if this was all - i very much had support through my other relationships to help the sam trauma which i do appreciate. But it doesnt end here does it? Nah thats too easy.

"Cause it wasn't sexy once it wasn't forbidden"

2nd June 2018: Me and Josh had briefly split up. It was Karlies birthday and we went out in HTC (dire) and I guess because Hinckley is a tiny place and everyone goes to the same places we ran into a lot of people (some good some bad) - including Sam.

Ima be honest idk where he came from or who he was out with but there he was, buying me drinks, talking to me, I dont remember much but I can assume I was happy. I do however remember him leading me away, telling me we're heading to the next bar because that's where everyone else was going but we actually were heading in the complete opposite direction haha. god knows where we were going but on the walk we sat on a bench, i cried, i told him off, told him he ruined my life, he told me he'd missed me so much, he held me, i cried more, i hated him and then we just rinsed and repeated as he pootled me up castle street to wherever he was taking me. My friend rang me, I told them I was with sam, people came running (guess they all know hes bad news) and they (including josh, who was my ex at the time and ig technically hated me) beefed him until he left and that was that. I haven't seen him since - i still dont know where he was taking me or what his plan was. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I didnt answer the phone, sometimes I wish I hadn't and that maybe I deserved whatever would happen. Maybe I'm blowing it out of proportion, being dramatic, but the trauma of the emotions that 16 year old me feels is still there. It haunts me.

"Don't call me "kid", Don't call me "baby" Look at this godforsaken mess that you made me"

So here we are. I guess I'm bringing this up at therapy in a few weeks because these feelings won't disappear (and Honestly I'm not sure why they reappeared other than being repressed emotions). I wonder though, has this affected you as much as it as me? Do you feel bad about what you did? Are you suffering? Do you think about me? Do you feel bad that you had such control over me or did you enjoy it? Claiming you've lost sleep over me and that you want to protect and help me? Was any of it true I wonder.

"And did the twin flame bruise paint you blue? Just between us, did the love affair maim you too?"

I suppose I'll never know, but I can only hope that memories of me haunt you as much as they haunt me. I hope you get everything you deserve, and I hope I can heal. My skin is no longer the skin you touched, I no longer physically feel you, and I hope one day my memories of you will be hazy and faded, and I don't need to jump at ghosts anymore.

And my therapist wonders why I really dislike men huh.

[crguang]

Oh my- say less lmao

Just to preface tho, DPR is more of a collective of artists instead of it just being one person, there's a lot of people working there and it includes camera crew, video editors, etc etc.. The artists are DPR IAN, DPR LIVE (he's on hiatus tho, rn he's posting music under his actual name and letting it all out), DPR CREAM and recently DPR ARTIC. I lowkey stan all of them but they all have very different and unique styles !

I do have a DPR Spotify playlist (i call it a playlist but it's just all of their music as a collective that I like lmao) but it might be a tad overwhelming since it includes basically everyone... I could send it to you but lmk anyway haha

Instead I'll recommend one song from each that I love and you can check them out that way, they also have INCREDIBLE music videos (more often than not directed by DPR IAN cause that man just left no talent for anyone else in this world) so here goes :

DPR IAN - So beautiful (nightmare to pick only one cause I love his entire discography but this is his debut song and probably my favorite if I was held at gunpoint and had to choose)

https://youtu.be/7QQzDQceGgU?si=nTgQpNQGam2i8FFG

DPR LIVE - Summer tights (this man is more of a rapper and I love love love his style)

https://youtu.be/00uzprkOeJQ?si=FX7ozTBn5EnIsJ6t

DPR CREAM - Color drive (no fucking clue how to describe this but yes please, more of this haha)

https://youtu.be/5atLlEdvjV0?si=ZNOxzLWQCThdlA3h

DPR ARTIC - Do or die (He's lowkey a DJ, I don't think he ever sings himself but he's kinda new so I don't know much about him yet)

https://youtu.be/fg_VkkPlPzk?si=wVB1-raGl8B15xom

God I yapped so fucking much I'm sorry lmfao I'm just very passionate about them and I get excited when people show interest dont' feel forced to listen to these lmao

-🔥

omg thats such a fun concept though. i was confused as to how there were so many DPR artists and whether or not it was the same person doing different things so im happy to know! i wanna get into DPR IAN because hes coming to my city and my cousins want me to go see him with them so i wanna know at least some of his discography if i end up going.

i listened to ‘so beautiful’ it’s really good😭 i dont think theres been one song from him that ive listened to that ive disliked so far. i’ll definitely listen to the other recs, i asked for them so don’t feel bad about yapping this is a safe space for yappers‼️ and you included the links too, this is SERIOUS! if you wanna share your playlist id be very happy hehehe

[lorestory0]

aaaaaaaaaaaa

i dont know if this is too much

im too out of it to properly think

how come if i lose a lot of blood, either from injury or bug allergy (dunno why else i would lose a lot of blood) the next period is always really bad. its usually painful enough that i cant even focus on video games and just have to try to sleep through the pain. unlike most people i genuinely dont like sleeping so this level of pain really bothers me. but if i already been bleeding a lot then its even worse. is this normal? literally just... while sitting down playing my game i almost thought i peed myself but nope. dont think its ever been like that before but my bug allergy also hasnt ever been this bad before. i was dizzy laying down and i just wanna know if this is normal for periods. because i was already losing too much blood from all the bug allergy scratchings that i was hallucinating way more than usual. at least it wasnt anything scary. hallucinations caused by sick or something are often a lot funnier than the normal hallucinations i see every other time that are scary.

but now i cant go back to sleep because sleeping too much causes nightmares and sleep paralysis.

and id actually prefer a normal nightmare.

i dont even have sleep paralysis demons as far as i know. for me its just a feeling of suffocation where if i dont force myself awake i feel like im gonna die painfully.

i know im emo but for some reason i always feel really bad if i feel like im gonna die with no way for someone to find out how it happen.

idk if its because my entire life ive had problems where my curiosity gets so bad about things sometimes to the point where it feels overwhelming if theres something thats possible to know but no one will tell me. (i dont want to cause anyone pain and i know this level of curiosity isnt common but because it hurts me so bad its hard to comprehend why it doesnt hurt someone else for some reason even tho i know)

not like sensetive information or anything. they just wont tell me for other reasons like if they dont want to talk to me. or even worse is when the teacher punishes me for no reason just to tell me i already know what i did. thats the worst. and then whatever it is i will inevitably do again and get punished again. and i get more punishment for asking.

of course im afraid of people and dont like sleeping. i just wanna play my game.

but i cant sleep

cant deal with that again

suffocating is painful

my face was covered like it usually is, sleeping mask and blanket trying to not get bit by more bugs as usual. but that has nothing to do with it. if i sleep every day like a normal person i start having nightmares every single day.

actually i was covered less than usual because i finally was able to get a thin sheet that doesnt just itch. i am very heat sensetive and i like cold (which i recently found out is very unusual for a southerner) but i require blanket because bug allergy. but if its not soft it usually itches.

i have been bullied by school lunch ladies. i would stress eat a lot during high school which made me able to ignore how bad the school lunches tasted but spicy stuff hurts and i ask if there was a way they could make thing without spicy. but then they laughed at me and told me to go BACK north. i didnt even know why. no one ever told me northern people hate spicy stuff. but the thing that made it so much worse is that not only have i never been up north, but ive always wanted to because i like the cold.

its already bad that i have to deal with these awful memories of abusive teacher but also mean lunch ladies who said a thing in a way that was like they were stabbing me with words.

it doesnt snow often around here but when it does im outside for as long as the snow is. if it snows it seems to always be for at least 3 days. i afraid of the dark, of being alone, or especially being alone away from the house. i was outside ice skating on a pond way out in the pasture at midnight. my little sister was there too but, even tho she can be vicious, she isnt likely to defend me from woods monster like my twin sister is. and yet the snow and cold made me not scared.

also the little sister is not the kind of person to believe in fantasy but i found out im not completely crazy that night because she saw the red lights too and i had a moment where "ha i told you theres paranormal stuff out here"

these paranormal stuff would usually make me run back in the house.

also my balance is terrible but its weirdly good when it comes to sliding around for some reason. i could be a professional ice skater or something. i think those exist.

but the last time it snowed i was so sick i couldnt move and i was depressed about it for several weeks i really like snow

i tried to go out anyway but by the time i reached the door i was already feeling like i was gonna pass out. and being sick also made me weaker to the cold so this was right after i got dressed too. had to take all that off while being in that much pain but the pain of not getting to go out in the snow was so much worse.

i cant sleep but im going to play skyrim. with my imagination i dont have to be rich to play in vr. thats fun.

i dont even have to be myself. i can be whatever anime person i want to be.

also does anyone else just really hate being themselfs in dreams? whenever im myself in dreams, i get the same problems i have irl but exxagerated greatly. abusive teacher becomes actual murderer.

when im anime person or something i dont have to deal with pain. but thats rare. im myself too much.

was talking about superman with my mom i think and she ask me if i had a super power what it would be. i said shapeshifting. she ask what i would turn into and i said "whatever i want"

oh yeah on the subject of superman, my moms car smells so bad i get physically sick just going near it for a second. the last time i had to ride it i had to go to the eye doctor to get glasses. i dont have glasses anymore, but instead of the usual clumsy mistake this time they kept getting broken by faulty glasses cleaners and i just have to not see. but anyway this was around the time my sister kept wanting me to watch some "superman anime" and i finally agreed. but i was so sick that i called it sman and weve both called it sman ever since.

other than episode 7 my favorite part of that show was my own commentary bercause i like making my sister laugh. and i guess my commentary was really funny.

if anyone wondering why episode 7 was the only part i dont find boring its because theres a cat. its a really great cat.

[the-local-eldritch-microwave]

TW: nightmares confusion and distress

okay so i need to say this before i forget but recently there had been a common reoccurring thing in my dreams with yellow/gold tinted elevators paired with distress and/or confusion. and its always an elevator to my apartment too which is odd because the actual elevator i take is pretty average size and has cool lighting with dark walls and silver/regular metal for the bars you can hold onto. despite this the ones in my dreams without fail are always gold-ish with very warm lights and are always obnoxiously spacious with brown wooden framing. what makes it worse is that the walls(usually two but can be from at least one to all four) are these blurry mirrors that always make it seem like there's more people then there actually is.

The first dream i can remember was one where i was just trying to get home but the elevators were being extremely confusing. There were a stupid amount of buttons, half of them weren't even working and i had cross through about 4 different elevators in an attempt to get to my floor(even though there should've only been two i could've taken) throughout all of this people would get on and off and a few were just as confused as i were but it was obvious they were trying to hide it while some seemed to know exactly what to do and move on with there day and there were at least two more that just didn't seem to care or move and just stayed on there phones without saying a word to anyone. it was an odd time. i think a one point i just randomly woke up after choosing to get out on a random floor and hoping for the best. oh and there was this elevator boy that was just there, trying to help, and constantly trying to fix at least one elevator out of commission even though i had just been on at least one of them just seconds before.

The second dream was this but slightly different. same elevator but this time only one was a blurry mirror and there were less people. the elevator had this weird thing of being able to go to the side too but only left and right and never any weird diagonal or backwards way. another odd thing about this elevator is that any wall could've opened at anytime (because apparently just every wall was also the entrance/exit??) and it would just open into another elevator before closing again and continuing on its merry way. This one i remembering being very stressed out for some reason and stayed as close to one side as possible even though everyone around was either kind or apathetic to it all.

and then the one i had this morning was even worse! why? because it may have been the worse nightmare ive had in a while! because the entire time im pretty sure i was having some sort of sensory overload and everything was brighter and i kept seeing purple symbols and i went in the elevator because i just wanted to go home but the yellow just hurt my eyes and i kept saying sorry(i don't even know who i was saying sorry to half the time but most of the sorry's went to my parents) and for once it actually takes me home but of course there's some girl there just standing in the dark with only one tiny light lighting her up from the left from another room. and of course my first thought is that "its just a ghost" and im already having a shit day so of course the first thing that comes out of my mouth is "FUCK YOU" and how dare i be so rude because before i can even finish my sentence i get thrown across the room and end up hitting the wall hanging upside down and the last thing i see is her distorted face surrounded by complete darkness before i wake up hyperventilating with a terrible headache feeling as if someone punched me in the stomach barely being able to move for 5 minutes until i calm down again. . .

anyways that was my morning, how are the rest of you guys going?

[babithyn]

august 27th, 2023

tw~ ed/mental health/rant

Its been a while… im currently 31weeks pregnant. this pregnancy has been extremely difficult.

Ive had a lot of stuff happen within the past four months. I moved in with my boyfriend. I got put on medical leave from work. My cars engine flooded. My mental health plummeted. My ED has reared its ugly head. Its just been a lot.

I feel like a burden to my boyfriend. He pays all the bills while all i do is sit at home. I have no source of income so i cant contribute to anything. I’ve been relying on my mom to pay my phone bill. Relying on my boyfriend to keep a roof over our head. all i can contribute is food stamps which i only got approved for last month.

In my 2nd trimester i started binge eating… im not sure if it was the change in my body or just my binge ED hitting me full force. but now that im in my 3rd trimester im barely eating one meal a day. Again i cant tell if its the pregnancy or my ED.

I fo know that my body dysmorphia is extremely bad at the moment. I cant even look at myself i. the mirror without crying. Logically I know im just pregnant but a voice in the back of my head is screaming at me that im fat and that its not just me being pregnant…

Im so sad all the time. And i honestly just want a hug and some comforting words. but i know i cant get that. My bf gets mad when i cry or even just say im sad. So at night when he’s sleeping i just silently cry next to him. or while he’s at work or the gym i sob uncontrollably.

We have some really bad fights sometimes that just destroys me. He says things like “i dont even really know you” or “you barely know me”… … … weve been together for almost 9months now. I’ve been so open with him from the beginning i even recently opened up to him about my ED when we first started dating. I try to tell him small stuff about me and it feels like he doesnt pay attention. He doesmt open up very much to me but i know a decent amount about him. of course we will never know everything about the people we love. there is always something to learn about the people we love and care about. shit im still learning things about my own mom and she’s my mom.

It sometimes feels like he doesnt want to be with me… like the only thing keeping him with me is our unborn daughter… which hurts because i love him so much… And recently he hasnt wanted to be intimate with me… which if course not only hurts but it makes me doubt myself. and i already feel ugly and fat but now… it just feels so much more real.

I crave affection from him so much that last night i had a dream that we went on a cute date. we got matching shoes and we held hands with each other and he called me pretty. but of course even my dream decided to attack me because right before i woke up a random person in my dream walked up to me telling me i was a horrible girlfriend. so my cute dream turned into a nightmare real quick. as per usual…

i miss my dogs… i know random and stupid to most people. but my dogs are my everything. i love them more than anything. Ive raised them since they were puppies. ive had dogs my entire life. there wasnt one second of my life where i didnt have at least one dog in my house.

And dogs lives are so short that being away from my babies for so long is painful.

October 24th, 2023

I never got to finish this post. I don’t remember why but I opened tumblr and it was the first thing i saw.

To continue what I was saying. I miss my dogs. And thats doubled even more now. Since writing this I’ve lost two of my dogs.

My 16 year old golden retriever passed due to old age. She wouldve been 17 this month. Ive had her since she was a puppy so even though it was expected it doesn’t hurt any less.

I also lost my 7 year old chihuahua. She got attacked by two other large dogs and the only way we wouldve been able to save her was with a $7k experimental surgery. I broke down and begged my followers on instagram, snapchat, and tiktok for help. But was only able to raise $50 between gofundme and cashapp. The next morning she passed and i was distraught.

Not only did i lose another one of my best friends but i still owed $3k in vet bills. I didnt take it well and a month later i still sob thinking about her. Shit i cant even type this without crying.

It’s been hard.

My due date is this saturday and im not okay if I’m being honest. I feel like im going to have really bad postpartum depression.

I feel lost. It’s hard to comprehend that im going to be a mom. That im going to have a little human dependent on me for the rest of my life.

Do that get me wrong, I love her. I love her so much already… but am i going to be a good mom? Am I going to raise her well? Are me and my boyfriend going to be good parents. Are we going to be able seal with the stress together?

There are so many variables that have me scared, stressed, and anxious.

On another note my body dismorphia makes me want to die. I have gained almost 70lbs this pregnancy. at my highest i weighed 248lbs. Ive lost 8lbs which i dont know how to feel about. So my current weight is 240lbs without fasting.

I hate it. And it hurts because I can see it. I physically can see the fat right bellow my gigantic baby bump. I can see the outrageous amount of stretch marks. I can feel the fat and stretch marks and not just when i tough them with my hands. The stretch marks sting, they feel like cuts on my stomach. It almost feels like fresh SH cuts.

This whole year has been traumatizing. This whole pregnancy has been traumatizing. Ive always wanted more than one kid but at this point i dont think my mental health could handle another pregnancy.

I have a feeling Im going to relapse with my ED after I give birth. I already have the urges to do so. Which isn’t good because I recently became hypoglycemic again.

To those who font know what that is. It’s pretty much early onset diabetes. Which was caused by my ED.

Ive struggled with binge eating, an0r3x14, and bul1m14 since the early age of 9. Going back and forth between the three on since.

That’s caused my blood sugar to be unable to regulate like a normal person. If I dont eat for longer than 5hours my blood sugar drops into the 40’s (normal is between 70 and 100) and when I eat the highest its gotten was 150 and thats after eating practically straight sugar.

So in simple terms my body produces to much insulin which can make me insulin resistant in the future.

i know this was long and all over the place. Especially since its months of stress thats piled up. I could type more but im honestly exhausted and will probably just make a separate post at a later date.

As always thank you for coming to my ted talk. Be safe take care of yourselves much love 🖤🖤🖤

[cubedmango]

u know what fuck it . ive already had 3 kind of accurate predictions so im gonna throw one last very wishful thinking inspired prediction out into the world for the last ep . if the universe is kind it will make my hopes happen and if not then. i will go lie down in a ditch and cry i guess (under the cut bc wow this got a bit long)

patpran Do break up for realsies. no fakery or going back to secret dating or anything. they decide that the times just not right for them, and that if they can only have either their relationship or their familys support, they need the latter more

the scene of them telling their parents Does happen . they Do react like the shit parents they are. hate to say this but its extremely in-character for them its very real so

they announce said break up to everyone at uni. they all think theyre joking or had some fight while they were gone. maybe here patpran explain their full history to their friends (if they havent already)??? anyways none of them are happy about this

insert extremely sad snippets of them just watching each other from afar or looking at the guitar/watch/pick/shirt/earphones/god theyve shared so much shit help with painful yearning . everyone notices

the time skip is Not Real. either some kind of what-if scenario or a dream/daydream/nightmare sequence most likely thought up by pat, imagining them staying away from each other all those years. the reunion part is him yearning and hoping they can get back together one day because of Course he’d want that

irl though, perhaps like a montage of patpran having different demeanors around their family?? like them just Not acting the same as before, being less energetic, less responsive, etc, and here is when parents start to get concerned

maybe the separation reaching a breaking point, with pat or pran (or both) snapping at their parents like��“i/we already broke up for your sake, what more do you want from me/us?” after a long time of just bottling up the issue and not bringing it up

somewhere, pran saving pa as kids finally being brought up?? possibly by pa herself whos now ready to talk about it???? just pa also having enough of their parents acting like little children and making her brother and the person who’s literally the reason she’s even alive rn both miserable

the friends could step in as well, tell them about just how different patpran have been recently after the break up?? would love it if wai told dissaya something about pran during boarding school and how shaken he was then because of the sudden transfer that she caused, and korn talking about how just. Mad pat used to be at everything and causing unnecessary fights. or something!! many possibilities

ming and dissaya (and the other two too) finally having that moment of realization of “Oh. We’re Actually Hurting Our Kids By Being The Way That We Are” and possibly even doing something about it? shockingly?? wow

and then something something the parents having A Lengthy Talk and deciding to either reconcile (not likely i think lol but would be sweet) or to at least be civil towards each other for their sons’ sake, coming to a truce to put their past behind them from there onwards or to at least no longer force their own views onto the boys

both parents apologizing to their kids for everything because i am a tired asian who just wants to see some fictional parents admit their fault For Once !!! if nothing else this is the one thing id want to manifest in the ep

and then ummmm. scene of them asking patpran to meet them together and (cries) telling them that theyre ok with it if theyre dating and (sobs) and that theyd support them and (wails) and

yeah and then like . real montage of how things Actually end for them w them getting back together and really going to the reunion together and graduating and . Just Being Happy!!!! they deserve it!!!!!! maybe a hint to s2 with inkpa or waikorn crumbs and thats it thats the ending thanks for coming to my tedtalk

[puppet-michael-truther]

A Cohesive Argument For FNAF 4′s Protagonist Being Michael Afton

According to popular common knowledge on FNAF lore, FNAF 4 sees us, the player, as the Crying Child experiencing nightmares while in a coma before his untimely death. However, based on multiple pieces of evidence, I think it’s safe to believe that this is actually not the case, and that the theory that the Older Brother aka Michael Afton is experiencing the nights is actually what’s going on, and while this point has been gaining more traction recently, I felt it would be a good idea to collect all the evidence towards this idea/theory into a cohesive collection. I’ll be going in order of game release, starting with FNAF 4 and ending with Ultimate Custom Night. But first, a general piece of evidence that one should keep in mind is that in every fnaf game with the sole exception of Ultimate Custom Night, the main gameplay is experienced from the POV of Michael. This includes FNAF 2. Yes, both of them. Meanwhile, the minigames, with the sole exception of Sister Location’s Custom Nights (these even count if you consider that they’re actually from Ennard’s point of view), are NOT from the point of view of Michael. The 8-bit mini games serve to provide context and lore to the player and are separate from Michael’s POV. This includes the FNAF 4 minigames. FNAF 4: - Every so often in the game, the player will get flashes of images from a hospital, such as an IV, pill bottles, or get-well soon cards. As the younger brother was put into a coma directly after the bite, there is no way the younger brother could be seeing these items. The flickering images are actually closer to the various hallucinations experienced by Michael throughout the entire series. - In the FNAF 4 minigames, we see the younger brother’s bedroom which doesn’t match up with the bedroom + hallways we see in the main game. On that note, we don’t see Michael’s bedroom, making it likely that it’s the one we see in the main game. Sister Location: - In the secret office in the alternate ending, if you type 1983 in the keypad, you are given a view of the three rooms from FNAF 4, suggesting the events were real, rather than a dying dream - This is probably the biggest piece. When rebooting the power system in Ballora Gallery (Where we encounter Funtime Freddy), we are given a map, with lights that correspond to the location of the Funtime Animatronics (or their illusion discs, more likely). When looking at the map that corresponds to the FNAF 4 rooms, we see similar lights that correspond to each location of the nightmares Ultimate Custom Night: - Multiple lines from the Nightmare Animatronics mention “illusions”, which supports the idea that they were created via illusion discs and are (somewhat) real, or at least not dreamed up. 

Miscellaneous: - In the Security Logbook, Michael has drawn a picture of Nightmare, explicitly showing that he’s seen the nightmares What does this all mean? Well, it means quite a bit in regard to FNAF lore. Firstly, it means that after the death of the Crying Child, Michael, his older brother, was further tormented by these animatronics (most likely created by illusion discs) on top of the guilt he was already experiencing. By his FATHER, no less. Furthermore, it shows that Michael has been dealing with this bullshit since at least 1983, as well as showing us that his hallucinations are an actual trait of his, rather than supernatural or caused by being scooped. It also adds an extra oomph to the inclusion of the nightmares in UCN, with Cassidy throwing the VERY ANIMATRONICS WILLIAM CREATED TO TORMENT HIS POOR SON right back in his face! Furthermore, it shows us a little secret detail in regard to the stomach-mouths of the animatronics. These things have often been used to explain why the Crying Child is so afraid of animatronics, saying that he likely saw Elizabeth’s scooping. I don’t think this is the case. What I DO think is that these are a conscious decision made by William to cast the blame onto Michael for Elizabeth’s death, which will eventually make him more willing to go down to Circus Baby Rentals when the time comes, since Michael, whether subconsciously or consciously, blames himself for her death/disappearance. 

[hangovercurse]

Nothing

Part i of the Without You series: When Colson and Megan break up, the boys count on Y/N to piece Colson back together, which only leads to disaster.

Colson x Reader

Warnings: Colson being kind of a dick, cursing, a little bit of aggression/ violence. This one’s definitely angsty.

A/N: This was supposed to be just a one part fic. Then that turned into 2 parts. And then 3. And then all of a sudden I had written 5 parts and over 10,000 words. Enjoy 😊 (also this is v unedited so if you see a mistake... mind ya business)

Word Count: 2084

| ii | iii | iv | v | vi |

masterlist

When you got the text from Rook, you knew it was probably gonna be bad. 

Megan just left him, for good. Not gonna be pretty the next few days so maybe don’t come by anytime soon. 

Your heart broke for your best friend. Colson had been really in love with Megan. And as much as you hated seeing them together for your own personal reasons, you could tell he was really happy. 

Ok. Let me know if you guys need me. If it gets bad I can take Casie for a few days. Take care of him for me pls. 

You and Colson had been friends for years now. You knew almost everything about each other, you told him everything. He let you crash at his place after your ex kicked you out, and you had spent many hours curled up with him, watching stupid movies to distract him from his most recent breakup or mental breakdown. 

But this was different. Colson told you he wanted to marry her at some point, and you knew he wasn’t lying. And you couldn’t blame him. As much as you hated no longer being the only women (other than Casie) in his life, you couldn’t dislike Megan. She was just one of those people who everyone loved. 

The thought of texting Colson crossed your mind, but you weren’t sure if it would hurt or help. From the sound of it, he was a wreck.

So, naturally, you texted Pete. 

Have you talked to Cols yet?

With Colson came Pete, or came you, you weren’t really sure. Somewhere along the way you and Pete had become close friends. He was like the older brother you’d never asked for, and he would probably say something similar about you. 

You couldn’t really explain it, Pete could read you like a book. And because of that, he knew everything. He was the only one to catch on to the way you sometimes looked at Colson for too long, or got irritated when he’d bring a new girl around. 

I’m heading over there right now. You should talk to him.

You rolled your eyes.

Not sure that’s the best idea. You guys are better at handling... all that. Once he gets a little less angry then I’ll take him. 

Pete texted you back a few minutes later.

Thanks for the support, kid. I’ll keep you updated. Just pulled in.

Good luck, Petey.

You tossed your phone on your bed, a sigh leaving your lips. You decided worrying was a problem for another day.

No more than 12 hours later you were getting a phone call from Rook. 

“Dude it’s like 4 in the morning, why are you calling me.” 

“Y/N, we’ve tried everything. He’s locked up in his room and every time one of us tries to talk to him he blows up. Literally he almost punched Slim a few hours ago.”

You pinched the bridge of your nose, groaning at the predicament. “So now you want me to come over?” You asked, “What do you think I’m gonna be able to do?”

“Well he’s not gonna try and hit you for one. I don’t know if you’ve noticed but he’s significantly nicer to you than to anyone else.”

“What do I even say to him? “Sorry that the love of your life broke up with you but at least we can smoke pot and watch Spongebob?” I mean come on, man. I’m not good at this.”

“Please.” He pleaded, “We’re all out of options and I can’t stand to see him get any worse than he is.”

You moved off your bed and towards your dresser. “Fine, I’ll be there in 15.” 

You threw on the first pair of sweatpants you could find and slipped on shoes, grabbing your key and heading out the door.

True to your word, you pulled up to the house 15 minutes later, parking on the side of the street and heading straight into the house. When the guys saw you, they visibly brightened up. 

“You guys are such fucking wimps.” You rolled your eyes as you made your way towards the stairs. 

Baze chuckled, “We love you Y/N.”

You rolled your eyes and continued on your way, stopping by Casie’s room to see if she was asleep. To your surprise, she wasn’t. 

“Hey sweet girl,” you whispered as you entered her room, “why are you still up?”

She smiled a little when she saw you. “Couldn’t sleep. I’m really worried about Dad.” 

You leaned on her doorframe, sending her a sad smile. “I am too. But he’ll be okay. Your dad’s pretty tough.”

“I know,” she sighed, “but he really liked Megan.”

“Did you?” You ask, trying to gauge her emotions. 

“I mean, I guess so. She was nice to me. Most of his girlfriends aren’t that nice to me.” 

“That’s a pretty shitty way to measure if you like someone or not.” She giggles at that. “Don’t tell your dad I said that word in front of you.”

“Ok. She was nice. And she made him happy so, yeah, I guess I liked her. Not as much as I like you but...” Casie’s voice got higher as she dragged out the last word and you just rolled your eyes with a chuckle. 

Casie had this fantasy of you and Colson getting married one day, but you always told her it would never happen. 

“Ok kiddo, whatever you say.” You teased her, “try and get some sleep, okay?” 

She nodded with a smile. “Are you gonna go talk to Dad?”

“Yeah. I’ll talk to you later, okay? If you need to come over and talk or stay the night or anything just call me, okay?”

“Okay. Love you.” She said quietly. 

“Love you too, Case.”

You shut the door to her room, moving down the hallway to Colson’s door. You took a deep breath, trying to mentally prepare for what was about to happen, and knocked. 

“I told you guys to go the fuck away.” A muffled yet angry voice said from the opposite side of the door.

“It’s me, Cols. Y/N.” You said, hoping he could hear you. 

When you got no response you asked, “Can I come in?” 

A few more seconds of silence followed, and then the lock clicked and the door opened. You stood face-to-face with your best friend. His hair was a mess, falling in his face. The bags under his eyes were darker than ever, and the frown he wore made him look even more pathetic. You felt your heart breaking. 

As you met his eyes, you gave him a sad smile. “Hey Cols.” 

Instead of responding, he wrapped his arms around you, leaning down and resting his head on your shoulder. You reached up and ran your fingers through his hair. 

He started walking backwards, pulling you with him as he continued to hug you. One of his hands pushed the door shut and he sat on his bed, finally letting go of you. 

You looked down at him, grabbing his hand and holding it in your own. It was something you had done before, you two were very touchy people and so half of your friendship was just you two cuddling or play fighting or holding hands.

“So we can do one of three things,” you started, “We can talk about it, we can cuddle and watch something stupid and pretend nothing’s wrong, or we can get high and do something stupid.”

For the first time in what you would imagine to be all night, Colson smiled. it was a very small smile, but you took it. 

He looked up at you through his eyelashes. “And by stupid you mean...”

You rolled your eyes, “I mean we can go set off bottle rockets in the backyard or try to jump off your roof and into the pool.” 

“Oh damn. I was hoping you were gonna say you would suck my dick.” 

Your eyes widened at his bluntness and the implication. You shoved his shoulder, “Colson! That’s gross!” You giggled, but his expression was unwaveringly serious. 

“I’m being serious.” He deadpanned and you furrowed your eyebrows. 

“Colson what the fuck?” Your mind was spinning trying to figure out if he was joking. 

You got your answer when he stood up, grabbing your waist and leaning over you. “I thought you’d want to...” 

You took in a breath at the sudden proximity, trying to back away from him but his grip remaining firmly on your waist. “Colson, stop. Please. This isn’t funny.” 

You could smell the alcohol on his breath and you had to keep reminding yourself of that fact. He’s drunk, and sad, and doesn’t know what he’s saying. 

“I thought you’d want to, cause it’ll make me happy. And you’ll do anything to make me happy.” One of his hands reached up and grabbed your jaw, making sure you couldn’t look away.

“Colson you’re being a fucking weirdo, let me go.” You raised your voice. Your heart was racing at this point and the thoughts flowing around your head were not pretty. 

You were always anxious for the day he’d figure you out. When he’d finally realize how you felt for him. But this was worse than anything you’d thought of. 

“You’ll do anything to make me happy because you love me, right?” 

You felt tears stinging in your eyes, wanting nothing more but to look away from his sinister expression. The way he was looking at you made it very clear that he was enjoying your discomfort, your embarrassment. 

“Colso-” 

He walked forwards, pushing you gently against the wall. His arms went to either side of you, his face inches from yours. You tried to look away, but his hand on your jaw forced you to face him.

Any other time you would have loved for Colson to pin you against his wall, but this was wrong. 

“Just say it. Say you’re in love with me, and I’ll drop it.” 

“Colson, what the fuck are you on right now?” You tried to steer the topic away from you, but he wouldn’t have it. 

“Say it.” 

You reached up to try and push his chest away from you, but he was much taller and stronger than you, so you did nothing. 

“Just tell me!” He yelled at your silence. A tear slipped down your cheek as you trembled under him. His face was red and his eyes were watering. 

 “Why are you doing this?” You whispered. This all felt like a bad dream, like a nightmare you couldn’t wake up from. 

“Because I need to know if she was right.” His voice got a little quieter, but he still wouldn’t move away from you. “I need to know if the reason the love of my fucking life just left me is true.”

You were shaking, your breaths getting shorter. “What are you talking about.” Your words were choked. The grip on your jaw started to get a little too tight.

“I defended you!” He yelled, tears falling from his face. “She told me that you were in love with me and I defended you.”

“Colson you’re hurting me.” You whined, trying to wriggle your way out of his grasp. He ignored your statement and continued talking, but his grip loosened slightly.

“And then she told me that she thinks I’m in love with you.” His voice was getting darker. “And that’s why she left. So I want to make it very clear to you.” He paused, leaning closer to your ear. “I will never love you. Ever. Not now, not in a million lifetimes. You mean nothing to me.”

Your vision was blurry from your tears, so you blindly reached out to push him away from you. His body seemed to have given up, as he moved backwards out of your way, stumbling slightly. Through your tears you could make out a smug smile on the man before you ran out of the room, slamming the door behind you.

You ran down the stairs, the guys waiting for you to give them good news, but their hope turned to concern once they saw you. You walked straight past them towards the door, not trusting yourself to say anything without breaking completely.

As you reached for the door handle you heard a faint yell from upstairs, followed by loud banging, and then silence. You sniffled, turning the handle and leaving the house, much to the protest of your friends.

[seilon]

i know i havent been checking my messages for like two weeks. dont ask me why i dont fucking know either dude. i really dont know whats wrong with me i really dont know why im like this. believe me if you think you're the only one ive ghosted recently you're not. its everyone. literally everyone. no reason whatsoever. its very easy to do when you literally have no friends that see you in real life ever and havent seen anyone more or less since december of 2021. so like. yeah. whats anyone gonna do? no ones going to come to my fucking door to see if im okay or just to break into my isolated nightmare box. no one has an interest in doing that. ive had to plead to get anyone to consider seeing me and theres really no point and its not their fault either because it is a major inconvenience because i am so so so far from anyone and its so so so much easier to just. not try to get anyone to do anything. its so much easier to exist in stasis even if it kills me. like i said no one will do anything about it. nothing will stop me from slowly destroying myself. i wont stop me either. i hate every task i have to complete and everything in my life that could break my constant nothingness despite the fact that i hate my constant nothingness at the same time. there's no way to win and theres no way out and theres no point to anything. really seriously no point. the further removed i get from everyone and everything the easier it is to fade away completely if i so choose. im basically there already. i wish i'd do something drastic to myself to make the world feel real again and to make my life feel like it has any kind of real odds to it and a selfish disgusting part of me wishes i would because of the oh so common reasoning of getting people to treat me like i have any importance instead of me always having to beg pathetically for anyone's attention in real life. i exist almost solely in my own head these days. im only able to handle fiction and i bury myself so deep in it that maybe, hopefully i can forget my life as a real person, and i can feel things even if they're for stupid imaginary reasons. its been like this for a long time but its to an extreme right now. i dont want to remember who or where i am. i dont want to be reminded i exist and the world exists around me. i dont remember what its like to have friends in my everyday life that i dont have to worry about disappointing or annoying or embarrassing. its been so long. much longer than just the time since ive moved. its been at least a few years. it seems nice, thinking back on past experiences, at different times in my life. but unfortunately it doesnt seem like i was built to maintain friendships, let alone to make them. i'm manufactured to fail or sabotage myself. i am built to be unlovable, regardless of who may like me on the internet, or like me on a shallow level otherwise. anything deeper than that has lead me to more pain and complication than if i didnt talk to anyone at all, so i guess it makes sense why i'd end up here.

my relationship is doomed and has been for a while now, and i cant make myself care that much anymore. he doesnt talk to me and i dont talk to him. he doesnt know what i do and i dont know what he's doing, other than that he has a life and people he cares about more than me on an everyday basis by a long shot. hes almost a stranger to me at this point. he wouldn't notice if i was fucking dead unless someone were to contact him about it however long after the fact. i know this because i havent spoken to him in days if not weeks and he couldnt care less. i am not a part of his life anymore and i cant help that. i've numbed myself to it for now. who knows what my mind will think of it on some other day but as it stands right now i dont know him and i cant push myself any longer to try and be a part of his life when he clearly does not care if i am or am not. he very easily can exist without me and has been doing so for quite some time. he has other people, i dont. that's just how it is. im not a good person to put faith into in a relationship in general, friendship or otherwise, because just look at me. ive ghosted everyone i know for like two weeks for no fucking reason and with no warning or explanation. i dont even know what the explanation is. i am fundamentally empty and with the bleakness of everything over the course of the last however many years i've given up hope that that emptiness will be filled in a more than superficial way. in a more than fleeting way. no one's going to do anything for me. there's no point. theres nothing in it for them. why would you go out of your way for a husk of a person who cant give you anything of value in return. whos not reliable or stable in any way shape or form. who cant function like a person no matter how many fucking antidepressants and stimulants and whatever the fuck else he takes. writing all of this i feel like a normal person would be crying. i feel like i would be crying at some point prior in my life. but i havent at all, nor have i felt any urge even close to doing so. i think that tells you how empty i am and how much i am resigned to whatever this is. i've wasted three years of my life rotting in silence and solitude, why think anything's going to change? and what's worth changing anyway? again, there's really nothing here to salvage. i wonder how much time i have left in me to just sit here and hate everything and dissociate and dissociate and dissociate because at this rate i doubt its much.

i'll go find something to distract myself with like i always do. spend my time on mundane tasks because they're reliable and take up space in my otherwise empty life. i doubt i will do anything productive that involves thought. i want to avoid everything more. i hate myself for it and i hate my life for it. i dont wish to die so much as i wish to not exist. they overlap of course but i feel the need to clarify that because its less about self loathing and more about the loathing of life as a whole, existence as a whole. it's not meant for me. i am not built to be sustainable. my head hurts.

[arrowsandbats]

Tim’s Complicated School History

So I’ve noticed there seems to be a fair bit of confusion on where Tim went to high school, whether he dropped out or not, if he went to private or public school, etc., so I thought I’d create a general chronology of (Pre-Flashpoint) Tim’s tumultuous high school career. The confusion about this is deserved, as Tim has literally gone to no less than FIVE high schools and also homeschooled for a bit, so it’s a LOT to keep track of. Tim has attended both private schools and public schools, and has gone to school in Gotham and Bludhaven (and almost Keystone!), ultimately ending his school days when he dropped out of Gotham City High School during his senior year to go search for Bruce after the events of Final Crisis.

Here’s the breakdown:

Pre-High School: Tim attended private boarding schools until he was about 13-14 years old. To my knowledge these schools are never specifically named, but 13-yr-old Tim mentions in Batman #441 that he attends a boarding school just outside Gotham. In Robin III #4 Tim angrily tells his dad that him and Janet “shipped [Tim] from one boarding school to another and nobody paid any attention as long as [his] grades stayed high.” This seems to imply that Tim attended a number of different boarding schools, when there’s really no reason for him to have attended more than two (an elementary and middle school), and even then a number of private boarding schools are actually K-8 (if not K-12) so I don’t know why he attended so many schools?? Nevertheless, from K-8 Tim attended private boarding schools, primarily in the Gotham area presumably.

Tim was probably still in middle school in his earliest appearances (Batman: A Lonely Place of Dying, Batman: Rite of Passage, etc), but he starts high school right around the time he finishes his Robin training (around the time of the first  Robin miniseries).

High School #1---Gotham Heights High School: The first reference to Tim being in high school comes from the 1991 Robin II miniseries. Tim has recently started at Gotham Heights High School as a ninth grader. This comic takes place after Tim’s parents were kidnapped and poisoned, and so while Jack is in the hospital Bruce is acting as a guardian of sorts for Tim. It’s at Gotham Heights that Tim befriends Sebastian Ives, as well as his friends Hudson and Callie Evans. When Ives asks Tim about the fact that he seems too rich for public school, Tim explains that he used to go to private school but that Bruce had him transferred into public school because he thought it would be “more broadening.” Even after Jack gets out of the hospital he allows Tim to stay at Gotham Heights HS, although Jack clearly has a low opinion of public schools. Tim presumably started at Gotham Heights HS at the beginning of the ninth grade and attended for about a year and a half.

Interlude---Keystone: After the events of Cataclysm, Tim’s family moves to Keystone to avoid the chaos going on in Gotham. (They only end up staying a few weeks at the most, but they moved with the intention of living there permanently, meaning that Tim was transferred out of Gotham Heights HS.) In Robin #63 Jack mentions trying to get Tim into Keystone Academy, but that it’s tough in the middle of the school year and that he was working on getting him a tutor in the interim. Tim was supposed to meet his new tutor the same day that he went back to Gotham to be with Steph while she had her baby. He left without telling his dad, and so Jack and Dana come back to Gotham to get him and they all decide to stay in Gotham after all. It’s unclear if Tim returns to Gotham Heights HS briefly or if he just doesn’t return to school until he’s enrolled at Brentwood.

High School #2---Brentwood Academy: After the events of No Man’s Land, Tim is enrolled in Brentwood Academy, a boarding school in Bristol Township (a wealthy suburb directly to the north of Gotham, where the Drakes and the Waynes both live). After missing so much school, Jack forces Tim to go to a boarding school so that his grades will hopefully come up. (I think the reasoning here is that if Tim lives at school then he’ll have no good excuse for missing class?) In Robin #75 Tim refers to himself as a “new sophomore,” and he transferred to the school some time after sophomore year started (almost definitely after winter break, but I can’t find an issue that confirms this?) but before spring break. Tim’s main friends at Brentwood are his first roommate Ali, his second roommate Wesley, and his classmates Buzz, Kip, and Danny. Tim isn’t at Brentwood for very long though. After only a few months (maybe even less) of Tim being at Brentwood, Jack finds out he’s lost a good portion of the Drake family fortune in bad investments. He’s forced to withdraw Tim from school as he can’t afford the tuition anymore, and the Drakes sell their home in Bristol Township and move into their townhouse in inner-city Gotham.

Interlude---Rest of Sophomore Year: When Tim left Brentwood it was rather late in the year, and it was apparently too late to re-enroll him in public school, so he took the rest of the school year off. That summer he has to take a placement test that will keep him from having to repeat the 10th grade. He passes, so when he re-enters public school he does so as a junior.

High School #3---Louis E. Grieve Memorial High School: Tim starts his junior year at Louis E. Grieve Memorial HS, where he quickly befriends Bernard Dowd and Darla Aquista. He doesn’t attend school here very long, probably for about 3-4 months (he’s only been at Grieve Memorial HS for a few weeks when he’s forced to quit being Robin, Steph takes over for about 2 months, and then it’s only another couple weeks until the events of War Games). During War Games, Tim’s friend Darla is targeted by several mobs (because her father is an Italian mob boss) and mobsters take over his school and end up killing several students, Darla included. Darla’s funeral is one of three that Tim has to attend in as many days, his dad being killed during Identity Crisis and Steph “dying” at the end of War Games.

High School #4---John Wayne High School, Bludhaven: After War Games and Identity Crisis, Tim moves to Bludhaven to try for a fresh start. He picked Bludhaven specifically for an in-patient facility that will help his stepmom, Dana, process her grief over Jack’s death. Tim moves to be close to her and starts attending John Wayne High School. He probably only attends for about two weeks though, before he has his (fake) Uncle Eddie withdraw him from the school to start homeschooling. Tim withdraws with the intention of homeschooling until he can test out of school early. But it isn’t long (maybe another month or so) until Infinite Crisis, and then Tim and Dick go on a nearly year-long training journey with Bruce.

Interlude---OYL: During the missing year* between Infinite Crisis and One Year Later, Tim isn’t in school at all, as he and Dick and Bruce are travelling the world and training. 

(*Also, with the nightmare that is comics continuity and the passage of time, Tim really couldn’t have been gone for more than like,,,,6-8 months, as it was late winter/early spring when Infinite Crisis happened---at least according to the Robin series---and it’s summer when he returns to Gotham. He’s still 17 early in the Red Robin series so it couldn’t have been a year and a half that he was gone, therefore he could only have been gone for like half a year.)

High School #5---Gotham City High School: After the OYL time jump, Tim starts attending Gotham City High School. He starts during the “summer session” (presumably to make up for the semester he missed during OYL?) before his senior year. His main friends here are Zoanne Wilkins (who he starts dating), Jared Walton, Craig Pulaski, and then both Ives and Steph transfer to GCHS during Tim’s senior year (altho Steph is usually a year older than Tim in Pre-52 canon, so it really makes no sense for her to be there??). This is the high school Tim is attending when he drops out of school in his senior year to travel the world looking for Bruce. In Red Robin #17, Tim and Ives meet for lunch (after Bruce has returned and Tim has moved back to Gotham) and Ives mentions Tim not finishing senior year. Tim asks Ives how senior year is going---implying that the events of the first arc of Red Robin only take a few months---and catches up on how Ives and Zoanne are doing.

Some general Tim school stuff: Tim is a very smart kid, but not a very good student. In the Robin III miniseries both Jack and Tim’s school counselor make reference to the fact that before high school Tim had always been a straight A student, but that his grades and attendance have slipped considerably. He is routinely too tired to pay attention in class, he’s constantly missing weeks of school, he fails to complete homework assignments bc of Robin missions, etc. Several times he even references in his inner monologue that he thinks he might fail a specific class. And honestly, Tim just doesn’t care about school. He often makes irritable inner-monologue comments about preferring practical application over learning things in a school setting, he tries to get himself out of school permanently when he lives in Bludhaven, etc. That being said, he’s never been noted to actually fail a class and even with all the school he’s missed he’s never had to be held back, so presumably he’s still earning like Cs in most classes.

[pepperpills]

The Harvest - RE8 Fanfic

The Harvest

A Resident Evil 8 fan fiction by Joana

Karl Heisenberg x Female Reader

Notes: heey, so here is another juicy chapter, not much to add to it, though, just hope you enjoy >.<

Warning: NSFW content

Part I - Destiny (1) Part I - Destiny (2) Part II - The Lord Part III - The Hunt Part IV - Soft Torture

Part V - Cry baby

You didn’t remember how you got in that situation in the first place. Of course, Lycans were a normal treat for the Village people, but somehow, they respected the villagers, at least, most of the time. You, on the other hand, wasn’t born among those people. No, your essence was different, you were, in some ways, an outsider and because of that, the cabin people had their shares of nightmares with Lycans attacking their loved ones.

This time, it was about yourself. You heard the roars and your blood went cold. Actually, this sound was a more bestial than the usual, drier than the throaty ones Lycans usually make when calling the others. You were afraid it was a Vârcolac. You didn’t see it, but ran from the source anyway. Maybe you did a mistake, because instead of running to the Village, you took the path to the forest, to the abandoned cabins where you thought you could be safe.

You were hidden in the wreck of your old home. As suddenly as you got there, you knew you were doomed. The Vârcolac was nearby, you could hear its steps breaking through dead branches with a strength you tried not to imagine. You were cold sweating now, it arrived at the cabins and was sniffing around, searching for your smell. You were certain you smelled like fear.

For a moment there, it all went dead silent. Nothing moved, no noise was heard. But you knew it couldn’t have simply disappeared, the Vârcolac was more cunning than you expected. Then, out of nowhere, its huge, dark haired beast head was framed by the remnants of a window above you. The chimera opened its wide mouth, showing its sharp teeth and a terrible, profound roar resonated in your mind, your eyes hypnotised by the view of death coming.

You woke up panting, still feeling the hot breeze of its breath on your cheekbones. You didn’t notice where you were at first, too scared to even understand it was all a bad dream. Heisenberg, who had been sleepy by your side, watching you sleep, promptly sat up with your reaction, wrapping a protective arm around your belly.

“You okay there, sweety?” He asked, making you calmer as soon as you perceived his husky morning voice.

“I had a nightmare.” You confided, burying your face on his collarbone, using his scent to help your nerves.

“Wanna talk about it?” Karl wrapped you in his strong arms, pulling you to his lap as you instinctively hugged him.

“It was stupid, nothing special.” You tried to mask the real terror that consumed you minutes ago.

“Nah.” He clicked his tongue. “Nothing you say is stupid, buttercup.” For that, you smiled, resting on his intense grip.

“I was being hunted by a Vârcolac.” You finally confessed, feeling a bit ashamed of it, imagining that that man wouldn’t understand such human fear.

“Oh, Y/N, no need to be afraid, buttercup.” He smiled back at you; his adorable expression framed by messy grizzled hair locks. “Those damn things are far, you are safe. And I will never let them get any close to you, anyway.” He shrugged as if it was nothing for him to deal with.

Being held and told these words made you significantly less worried. Every obstacle for you seemed easier to Karl and he promised to take care of you. Of course, you wanted to be able to defend yourself and you could do that reasonably well, but with that sort of thing was a lot different. They were mutated beings and you were… Well, only human. In that manner, you felt safe with him, like that, resting in his arms, almost forgetting what had just upset you.

“Thank you, Karl.” You told his neck, pressing gentle kisses on his sweet spots surrounding his Adam’s apple, making him bit the interior of his cheek.

“No problem, kitten.” Heisenberg said, holding your chin with his free hand, making you rise your eyes and gaze at his bicoloured irises.

He leaned towards your lips, taking them in his, kissing you ever so passionately, you could melt in his warmth. You couldn’t get enough of his kisses. Feeling the scar on his bottom lip usually made you shiver, a sweet sensation flooding your entire form. He held you tighter, as if you would slip away at any moment. The man still incapable of believing you choose to stay there, with him, not once finding it a bad experience, as most people would by living in that factory.

You two have spent a lot of time together ever since the incident with the Soldat. At first, he was worried for you walking alone in the downer part of the building. He would check on you frequently when you were reading, listening to his records or even improving your bow, which he found fascinating. You would fetch him at his new office every now and then, maybe teasing him a bit to relax when he was working restlessly – not that you gave him enough time to rest with your recently discovered appetite for him.

He wasn’t too vocal with his feelings, but he made his best on complimenting you every chance he had. You were sure that spending most of his time alone made him a little awkward for that sort of intimate contact, but oh, he has been craving it so much since you set your foot on his factory. He tried to hide it, tell himself it would pass, however as the days went by, it only grew, making his chest rumble with his accelerated heartbeat every glimpse he had of your form.

Now he wouldn’t resist the temptation of falling asleep by your side as you cuddled him, tracing the lines of his scars so softly he would forget about the situations in which he gained them. You made everything cosier, even the daily choirs, the stressful works, if you were by his side, he would feel at ease.

He broke the kiss with a low groan. His eyes now had a starving sparkle enlivening them. Every since your first time with him, you were getting better and better on noticing the signs on his face when he wanted to have you, actually, when he neededto have you. And this time, the man was hungry, his heart desperately claiming your touch, his skin growing more sensitive the more time you spent on his lap.

“Damn, Y/N.” He whispered, bared teeth. “I swear you have some sort of power over me.” Karl proceeded to roughly kiss your jaw line, not certain if he wanted to press his lips on your skin or nip it. He did both.

“Oh, meine Hexe.” He chanted as he laid your back on the bed, you took the opportunity to envelop his hips with your legs, pressing his hardness against your pubic bone. “Meine frech Hexe.” Karl corrected himself, maliciously smirking at your action.

“Karl…” You moaned to his hoarse tone, aroused by his accent.

“What is it, Y/N?” He asked in a teasing way.

“I-I want you.” You cried for him.

“Already, sweetheart?” Karl giggled at your eager countenance, to that you could only nod, biting your bottom lip as he pressed his clothed hard cock against your bud through the thin fabric of your pantie. “What a thirsty whore you are.” He tormented you some more.

As Heisenberg pressed himself against you, doing nothing but rubbing both of your needy arousals for a moment, your hands found his forearms, digging your nails in his skin. He groaned, pinning your arms on the sheets, encaging you underneath him.

“Nah, nah, doll.” He denied you, clicking his tongue. “I like seeing you so desperate for my cock.” Karl leaned only to bite your bottom lip, almost until it bled.

“K-Karl, please.” You begged, moving your hips on his rod on, causing him to moan a bit.

“Argh, kitten, I need to taste you.” He stated, nothing else going on in his head but your flavours.

Karl made you take off his green shirt you’ve been wearing and left a trail of kisses down your abdomen, groping your breasts, pinching your hard nipples with his teeth and later pressing them in between his thumb and index finger. You whined with the contact, feeling a pleasant pinch of pain.

“Kitten, you are perfect.” He let out between his nips, going down on you.

His hands rested on you belly, securing you laying, helpless. He reached your waist line. Karl didn’t hesitate on tugging off your panties, irritated it was hiding the treasure from him. The man almost salivated at the sight of your juicy thighs, soaked due to his touches. Not being able to stop himself, his tongue ran along your clit, making you cry out.

It was only one lick, though, just enough for him to taste your sweetness, an appetizer. Heisenberg smirked at your sulky face, being denied of his tongue. He was interested on your thighs, squeezing them, licking the length until he got so close to your labia, but never really licking it, so you would moan desperately.

The man was going savage with your reactions. Drinking in every sound you let out, cute, tempting whines. He considered teasing you eternally just so he could keep listening, but your cunt was calling for him. He sucked onto your inner thigh, marking you as his. This was somewhat sore, but the warming sensation compensated it, leaving only pleasure to flood your brain.

“Look at the mess you making, kitten.” He commented, laughing at your state.

“All this teasing is gonna make me drown, Karl.” You managed to say in between moans.

“We will see about that.” Heisenberg defied.

As much as he would love to keep working on your thighs, Heisenberg was convinced a good girl like you deserved more attention on other areas. That was when you finally felt his warm, soft tongue on your clit. He wasn’t much gentle, oh no, Karl was starving, feeling his pre-cum slobbering his pants, but he already knew your sweet spots so well, being an eager student when it came to your body.

He was kissing and sucking onto your bottom, having you performing an opera of groans, his tongue making you spasm under the strength of his hands. He didn’t resist anymore, accompanying you with muffled moans, delighting himself on your slickness as he slipped down, on your entrance, licking all your juice.

“That is my good girl.” He called you, getting away from you pussy as he presented two fingers to you, resting them on your bottom lip, separating it from the upper one. “Suck ‘em, kitten.” Karl demanded and you obeyed with lusty eyes.

The sensation of your mouth around his fingers made his cock painfully throb, letting out a moan from him. He wasn’t done playing with you, though. Heisenberg led his fingers inside your cosiness, holding his breath as your walls clutched them, imagining how your pussy would perfectly accept his cock.

You were so wet, he couldn’t believe you got like that all because of him, but he loved it. Karl moved his fingers inside you, they formed a slight hook, reaching your G spot easily, making you cry out. It was starting to feel too much. Then he added his tongue. The stimulation on your clit plus the penetration was getting you closer. He knew it, feeling you squeeze his digits.

“C’mon, girl, come on my fingers.” He animalistic whispered.

You couldn’t hold on any longer, feeling too sensitive around his fingers, willing to come. Your orgasm had you spasming, your body reacting to what he had done to you, giving him a delightful spectacle. He only released you when he was certain you came all the way.

“Open up.” His slobbery fingers pressing against your lips again. You tasted yourself on him like that.

“I want you inside me, Karl.” You said as soon as you could.

“And you will have it, kitten.” He promised, his hands now working on getting rid of his pants.

It was an entrancing sensation to be free at last, his neglected cock feeling the chilly air, in despair to be inside your wet comfort warmness. He rubbed his tip on your clit, enjoying himself on your sounds and humidity. Feeling you like that was testing his limits.

Anytime away from your tightness was too much. Karl grunted with the friction, stopping abruptly. He looked you deep in the eye, the sweetest and hungriest of the looks, his needs for you almost overflowing there. Then he buried himself inside you, all his length easily accepted by you lubricated cunt, making the man groan. He never got tired of your insides, his now favourite place to be.

You took his dick so well, no matter how much it seemed to you, it fit perfectly. He just stayed there for a minute, enjoying the sensation of your walls clutching his cock, which was throbbing with any small friction provoked by minor movements of your hips. Heisenberg was driving you insane, filling you with every inch, so deep inside you.

Karl couldn’t help himself anymore. His teeth met your shoulder, biting hard, at the same time as he started rocking his hips, hitting your pleasure spots like he knew them by heart – and at that point he indeed knew. All you could do was groan with his thrusts, pinching his back with your nails, forcing him to be close, not a centimetre between you too.

His pace was getting feral, his cock coming in and just half out, never willing to let you go at all. You felt just too pleasant, flooding his mind with the sensation of your pussy embracing his length. You were a beautiful mess at that point, helpless with all he had you feeling. One specific angle made you more slick, leading Heisenberg to wail, his beard scrubbing your chest.

“F-fuck, kitten.” He cursed you. “Your pussy takes me so well.” He said, gripping your waist, making you feel him even deeper.

“Karl, you’re too deep.” You cried out.

“Oh, but you can take it, right, kitten? You love it, don’t you?” Karl had you rolling your eyes in delight.

“Y-yes.” You answered, feeling closer to your high.

He felt that, leading his thumb to rub your bud, not as fast as his thrusts, but enough to make you lose your mind, not sure how you could feel so good, but this man had you entirely given on his hands.

“Come to me, kitten, I wanna feel your cunt tightening me.” His wish was an order and so you came with his words, melting in his grip, your belly spasming, to which he smiled with satisfaction.

With you pressing him this much, so juicy, he was feeling himself coming near to his end. Heisenberg let your clit go, both his hands grasping your hips, burying himself in you, shoving his dick in. It hit you multiple times, directly on a special spot, making you shiver. He felt it against his cock as you swung for him.

He had to bit his bottom lip, sounds escaping his mouth anyway. Karl was almost there, you noticed, licking his exposed scarred chest to which he moaned even more.

“Give me it all, Karl.” You begged. “I need your cum inside me, p-please.” You asked, hit by another of his savage thrusts.

It was enough for him, Heisenberg let go, releasing himself inside you, filling you entirely with his delicious cum. You felt the warmth flooding your insides while you ran your nails on his sides. He rested his body on yours, not even thinking of getting out of your embrace.

“That was… Savage, buttercup.” He confided as you started playing with his sweaty hair, his head resting on your chest.

“I could say the same about you.” You giggled, his head moving so your eyes could meet.

“It is your fault you are so delicious.” He played back.

“Well, I can see why your house symbol is a horse.” You shrugged, making him laugh hard.

You two stayed on bed for a while, relaxing after the exercise. Your nightmare’s reactions long gone after the treatment Heisenberg gave you. You almost fell asleep with the man in your arms, only not doing so when he called you to the shower where he proved one more time he really couldn’t get enough of you.

[spiraling-into-decay]

A Conversation

You would think, wouldn't you, that after so many years memories would feel more like the past and not like the remnants of dreams and nightmares. They'd be more...solid. They'd feel more real, they'd be more clear or at least I'd be able to place clear images with the miniscule details I can recall so clearly.

Have you heard, surely you have, but have you heard of expressionism? Abstract style of art, the overflow of human emotion all captured within an artist's point of view... it evokes moods and ideas through radical distortion; it focuses less on physical reality and more on the emotions experienced... that's what I remember.

Distorted emotions curling around me, paintbrush strokes smeared uneasily across a canvas; that's me. Or at least that's my memories. Bright and vivid and colourful portraying immense distress; you know that one famous painting, that guy screaming on a bridge. Its like that, a singular moment of agony and...fear, encapsulated but I'm the only thing that's ever discernibly clear. . Don't get me wrong, I know, what happened. Everything that's happened, I am well aware of. I know what led up to everything, I know the events, the lines, the actors, both in act 1 and act 2; I suppose I don't easily forget. I don't remember their faces but I remember how they smelled that stale sweat and sickly sweet potpourri that's been there since childhood.

It's funny to me I suppose, how my parents never lived up to that title. Iv revoked that title, they're just people now. Anyway I know what they looked like but I cannot for the life of me remember what they looked like. I remember; vocal tones, fists..footsteps...hands

I still can...feel my own fear reverberating inside my skull and chest and lungs. I feel their hands, hear their voices. I can remember everything that happened with sharp clarity. I don't think I want to remember how they looked like but at one point I did; and I know I see them accurately when I sleep.

I don't recall my dreams often or even my nightmares, funnily enough I remember the emotions from them; you can see how it's difficult to discern my memories from my nightmares and dreams. They might as well be the same. Have you heard of Rupi Kaur?

She is a poet, and she has a piece that I have recently seen. Says that alcoholic parents do not exist, that there's just alcoholics who couldn't stay sober enough to raise their kids. Cheers Rupi, I had alcoholics too.

__________________________________________________

a simple poem, no rhyme or reason; a piece meant to feel conversational. dealing with and regarding my own conflict with remember things intricately, the small details being there and being clear, but the faces or other larger details being obscured or feeling distant and hazy even though i can clearly see them in my nightmares. just a look into how memories seem to either stick or fade or what does and does not get remember, what pieces of events the brain chooses to focus on and remember and highlight. 

[kittybellestark]

Peter Parker Loves Everyone He Meets

Peter Parker Loves Everyone he Meets.

Peter Parker is tired of loving everyone. He loves people with all he has. He just wants them to know they’re wanted and loved and that they aren’t alone. But he’s tired. He’s so tired. It just takes so much sometimes. But he can’t let people know that he’s tired, he can’t let them know he’s tired from caring about them.

He doesn’t remember his parents. Of course he doesn’t. But Peter remembers that he felt loved. He remembers the feel of his mothers hugs, and how warm they were. He remembers the sound of his dad’s laugh as he put a hand on his shoulder and gave a squeeze. Peter doesn’t remember his parents, but he remembers feeling loved, and that’s worth a lot, isn’t it?

Of course he remembers Ben, his death was still relatively recent (though feeling like a lifetime ago, which, Peter supposes, it was). He also remembers how loved he felt with Ben. He remember Ben and him ‘sneaking out’ to get ice cream, or to watch Star Wars in that one theater that only ever played old movies. He remembers Ben helping him with his homework and that one special smile only reserved for him.

Peter remembers how his family loved him. And he’s thankful he still has May’s love. But he remembers how he felt. He also remembers his parents and his uncle’s love.

Peter also remembers how it feels to not be loved. Not that he was ever without love, but he remembers feeling like we wasn’t loved. 

He remembers being told that his parent’s were never going to come back to him. He remembers feeling like the only people who loved him were gone. He remembers only being a child and feeling alone. Peter remembers that for the first time in his life he felt like no one loved him.

Peter also remembers the next time in his life that he felt anything but loved. And alone. Of course he was anything but alone at that specific time he felt like the only boy in the world who was being told that “friends always do this,” and “Einstein, haven’t I told you before that it’s important to know you’re friend inside and out? I’m just making sure we do just that.”  Peter remembers every excruciating moment the first time it happened. And he remembers not remembering every other time it happened. He remembers it starting, but then he remember not feeling anything, and later being so sore, and hurt with bruises just under his collarbone. And he remembers being told “The things you do to me Einstein, you make me so weak. I love our little secret, I hope we can keep it forever.”

And then Ben died and Peter watched him die. Felt him die. Watch as his eyes became empty and his skin go grey, blood pooling on the sidewalk. And Peter knew. He knew there was only one person left who he loved (and only one who loved him back). Peter knew that if he lost May then he really wouldn’t have anyone.

So Peter started to invest himself in people. Of course it was hard. So hard. Everyone seems to be dying. And I mean there was- trusting people is hard. Letting people become so close to himself is also hard, especially when he knows what could possibly happen. 

Ned is already a friend, while they aren’t all that close, they sit with each other at lunch, and meet each other at their respective lockers. So, yeah they’re friends. Peter just needs to put himself out there. Get closer to Ned. He can do this. Peter Parker can do this. 

And Peter does it!! Peter loves Ned. Ned is Peter’s best friend, and they have sleepovers all the time. Ned even brings his Lego over to Peters!! Ned is the coolest person ever and Peter loves Ned. 

Peter needs to tell Ned. But he needs it to be casual, make so Ned knows it’s in a friend way. Platonic love is a very important type of love and Peter knows Ned deserves it more than most people.

For Peter’s birthday Ned got him a Star Wars Lego set. Peter has been looking at this set for a while, but it was $60!! No one who wasn’t related to him has ever bought him anything worth so much before.

“Ned you shouldn’t have!” Peter laughs hugging his friend.

“You deserve it man.” Ned says back also laughing as May starts serving cake.

“Ned honestly, it means a lot. I love you man, you’re the best.”

After Ned it’s a lot easier to connect with people who want to be friends with him. He’s got MJ now, and Mr Stark, and while they both tried keeping Peter at arms length it was pretty easy when they finally cracked a tiny bit. 

Peter has people now. He’s got May and Ned and MJ and Mr Stark. Peter’s pretty busy, especially because he’s Spider-Man, and Peter loves Queens and all the people in Queens. They need him as much as he needs them. 

As Peter and Mr Stark get closer, and Peter spends more and more time in the lab.Then the lab becomes the living room for movies and pizza, which leads to Peter accidentally falling asleep, and walking up the next morning in a room Mr Stark set up for him on his personal floor.

Peter tried to tell Mr Stark that he loves him, but Mr Stark isn’t ready for that, and that’s okay. Peter just needs to continue showing his mentor how much he cares.

The Avengers move back in, and suddenly Peter had more people he needs to love, had to make sure they felt loved. The Avengers seemed so broken, and alone. Peter knows what it feels like to be alone. So Peter makes it his personal mission to have them remember the stories that Mr Stark told him. Peter is going to make them a family again.

Peter, as it turns out, also loves the returned Avengers. It comes in between the laughter and chaotic dinners, in between midnight snacks and hot chocolates after nightmares.

And now Peter is really busy, he has decathlon on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Lab on Tuesday and Thursdays. Dance practices with MJ Monday Evenings and Thursday’s before school, Ned on Wednesday evenings. Sleeping at the tower Friday night and every second Saturday night. May-Time on Sundays, Patrol until 11pm on school nights, 12pm on non school nights, and of course homework and he needs to sleep at some point, and remember to eat too. And if somebody needs him, he needs to make sure he’s available to help them, without making anyone else feel alone.

Mr Stark then introduces Peter to Harley Keener. Harley Keener does not seem to like Peter at all, and doesn’t seem interested in changing that. But Peter looks at Harley, and see’s that he’s alone in a new unfamiliar places, without any of his family, and he’s worried Harley feels alone. So Peter pushes, and pushes and pushes.

Harley resists, he doesn’t break. And Peter somehow Loves Harley, in a way he has never felt before. In a way Harley will not return. Peter is okay with it though, because while Harley may feel that Peter is a “pest,” and a “complete annoyance, that shouldn’t even be able to step foot in the tower,” Peter knows that he may have at least helped Harley feel less alone.

Peter just wishes he felt the same way. Because Peter has people, he has so many people, and they need him, and he needs them, but he feels alone. And he loves all these people so much that it physically hurts. He would do anything for all the people he loves. But he’s so tired. 

Peter is so tired of loving people. Of loving his friends and family. He doesn’t remember feeling tired of loving Ben or May. But when has any of the people he loves, aside from May, ever say that they love him? No one tells Peter he’s loved.

Maybe Peter doesn’t have people. Maybe people have Peter. Peter shakes that unwelcomed thought out of his head as he reads over Ned’s schools report, fixing any mistakes.

Peter is tired though, as his phones continues to be filled with calls and texts of whoever saying “I need you!” And Peter can’t help but selfishly think ‘I need me too!’

On a Wednesday Peter is walking home, because May wanted him home for dinner before heading over to Ned’s, when he receives a phone call.

Peter picks it up without looking a who called, it doesn’t really matter it’s just another person he loves needing Peters help. Peter starts crossing the busy, fast moving street as the person on the other line is asking for help.

“I know, I know, I’m sorry, I’ll try tonight okay?” Peter tries to compromise, pausing in the middle of the road, hesitating over his answer and feeling the world weigh so much heavier on his shoulders.

His ‘Spidey-Sense’ doesn’t go off until it’s too late. Peter gets hit by a car, the driver was texting at the time, and Peters phone goes flying one way as peter feels himself roll up the hood of the car, impact with the windshield, before flying up further and crashing into the ground.

Cars and buses are swerving to miss the kid laying in the middle of the road, onlookers taking out their phones and taking pictures and videos at what has transpired.

Peter landing face down, head hitting the concrete hard enough to knock him out, bookbag filled with textbooks crushing his back. Peter is bleeding, but onlookers don’t know from where, can’t move Peter to find out because he may have broken his back, but the evidence is on the road.

With how quickly the pictures and videos were uploaded onto social media, Peter’s face clearly visible, it takes no time for Friday to alert Tony that Peter was hit by a car and is now trending on social media, with his location already programmed into the suit.

Tony gets to the accident scene quickly, doesn’t let anyone touch Peter until his own team of doctors comes and collects him.

Peter wakes up briefly, not long enough to know what’s happening or why Iron Man is there, but long enough to note how tired he is and how he’s alone.

He wakes up next in the Medbay. Attached to an IV with drugs strong enough to help with the pain, and a heart monitor. He wakes up to dimmed, warm lights, and a room full of people.

May and Ned and MJ and Mr Stark and The Avengers and Harley Keener are all hanging around in his over sized Medbay room. Everyone he loves is in his room, but Peter still feels alone.

“What happened?” Peter finally speaks, bringing all the attention to him.

“You got hit by a car, Kid.” Tony responds when no one else seems to know what to say.

Peter remembers walking home from school and getting a call asking for help, he remembers pausing for a moment and then he remembers waking up, no car, no injury.

“Huh.”

“Is that all you have to say about it?” May asks. She knows Peter should have been able to sense the danger coming, should have been able to move out of the way, and never end up here.

“Don’t remember actually getting hit. I got a phone call and I felt bad saying no and I stopped, but I don’t think I was trying to get hit. I was distracted and probably didn’t notice until it was too late.”

“Peter Benjamin Parker,” May scolded him giving the idea that she didn’t believe him. “I want the truth.”

“May!” Peter whined rolling his eyes, “I wouldn’t kill myself. I can’t kill myself, I have commitments. And if I were to kill myself I wouldn’t put it on another person. I’ve been tired lately, probably why I didn’t notice.”

“Peter…” May whispers and Peter can’t help but feel uncomfortable in a room of all the people he loved, all judging him.

“May, maybe we should give Peter some privacy instead of doing this in front of everyone.” Tony suggested starting to usher people out of the room, but staying behind himself in case May needed back up.

“I’m not suicidal!” Peter sighed, looking up at the ceiling for a moment, and looking back at May. “I don’t want to kill myself, May. I’m just tired. I’m really tired, and people need to not feel alone. I’m tired, May, I just wanted like half an hour to myself, I just needed some time to think.”

“Peter, honey, you know you can take time to yourself whenever you need it, right?”

“I can’t, I can’t. Someone always seems to need something from me, all the time. What if I tell them no, and then they’re alone and they can’t get other help. I don’t want anyone to be alone. I don’t want them to realize that I’m not worth their time.” Peter didn’t mean to say that. He didn’t mean to say any of it, but he’s so tired, and the pain medication is making him even more emotional. And Peter really, really didn’t want to say any of that.

“Oh baby, no one is going to be tired of you, and we’ll all understand if you need some time to yourself. Everyone here loves you.”

 May ran her fingers through Peter’s hair, trying to give him some comfort. Peter scoffed in response rolling his eyes in such an extravagant way that he could have only learnt it from Tony.  Peter crossed his arms over his chest looking away from May and off to the side.

May turned around to Tony, giving him a look that got Tony moving to the other side of Peters bed, holding onto the boys hand.

“Peter, kid, you can’t seriously think we don’t love you.” Tony spoke softly. Peter gave him a look and Tony sighed. “I’m sorry Peter, I’m sorry that I haven’t shown you properly how much I love you. Peter Parker you are special, and I think of you as my kid, even though I know you aren’t, okay? I’m sorry that we all are really bad with our emotions, but I promise you everyone outside those doors loves you too, we’re all just really bad at saying it.”

Peter Parker loves everyone he meets, but they all love him too.

[gayspock]

I listen to like a million podcasts, is there a particular kind you want? Fiction/nonfiction, specific genre/subject, something that you can put on without rly listening vs something where you’ll be thinking abt it all week? Any podcasts you tried that didn’t work? Or if you’re good on suggestions, oof, not fun when you can’t find the right thing to scratch that brain itch

SEE. THE THING IS IM KINDA JUST LOOKING FOR STH HARD TO DESCRIBE IN THE SENSE THT... god i have Annoying standards at this point bc i feel like i just. went thru a period where ic ycled through so many podcasts and just got so. exhausted by all of them but

1. deffo sth fiction bc i wanna binge it. (however im ABSOLUTELY NOT AGAINST nonfiction podcasts as suggestions to listen to another time tbh..... but i only rlly find myself enjoying more lighthearted talking shows, with a more goofy concept at the centre?? all the stuff i used to listen to is kinda stale nowadays (mbmbam - tho im not interested in any more mcelroy stuff, either) or gone completely (badvertising or c**l g*mes inc ft mister n*ck r*binson))

2. something that *isn’t* only 1 va / mostly only one va. im really burnt out on podcasts that only have one voice. kinda weird and specific ik and they can be done right but... just feels like ive listened to too many that are way too monotone, and lack energy or they sound super unnatural and scripted even with a good actor.

3. not horror also so exhausted with horror podcasts. i dont mind stuff that gets tense (wolf 359 is a good example) but like outright horror like tma im just. VERY done with it i guess bc even with interesting concepts it all just feels.... so samey after a while. like “hmm, we’re talking in low voices! there is an ambient sound! something strange is happening! wow! strange things KEEP happening! WOW, h-”

4. has a strong and engaging overarching plot (or if its episodic, the stories are still... strong) because i feel like ive listened to one too many podcasts, too, that just... lack a strong and interesting plot pulling it through. :/ either they’re too casual, or they try something a bit too experimental with the structure to the point hwere its just... not engaging to listen to at all. like it can be an interesting attempt i guess but like... i still want to be able to be engaged and engrossed in a story yknow. i want sth a bit more intense. i think wolf 359 is another good example (its usually the thing i point to whenever im trying to find another podcast. god fucking BLESS me)

5. not.... too amateur i feel bad for putting this here but i rlly dont have the focus right now & i cant listen to something that’s really crusty audio wise OR something where the scripts&dialogue are really.... stilted.... and just grated the damn hell out of me. i think this is . probably one of the worst offenders alongside 4 & again i FEEL bad but. yeah. 

6. longish i dont wanna 200+, 1 hour ep length nightmare but something thats like.... at least 20 eps.  bc sadly the few things i DID end up enjoying recently have been like.... less than tht and theyre over in less than a day and im like. E

i think. those are the 5 main issues i have some podcasts i liked in the past, and are ALMOST what im looking for again have been: wolf 359, penumbra (s1-s2 junoverse), girl in space, kane and feels, our fair city, the orphans (esp faculty), victoriocity, and... like... the beginning of the bright sessions but not anything after.  

if you’ve got any reccs hit me with them. i have... cycled through quite a lot of the more popular ones tbh BUT it has been a long, long time i guess?? so more might have popped up / might be some i might . try to revisit since sometimes i ditch podcasts ffor more minute reasons and Yah

[andizoidart]

Real talk, having gastrointestinal issues that were supposed to be solved is a nightmare.

It’s been such a long time since this all started, and it sucks that it’s still a thing. I know it started in May, possibly two years ago? I would have sharp pains right below my sternum in my stomach.

When I got to go to a doctor, they thought I may have some sort of food allergy or intolerance. I went on a gluten free diet for a while to see if it would help (it did not). Side note, I hate rice pasta almost as much as I hate grits (but that’s another story). I was supposed to go on a dairy free diet to see if that was bothering me, but I had to travel and decided that would be too hard.

While I was on vacation, there was a day when I went to a museum and went to get ice cream (summers are super hot and humid). All I got was chocolate chip cookie dough and rainbow sherbert. A few minutes after that, my throat started closing up. I had to go to the emergency room. They told me I was having an allergic reaction. To what? I didn’t know. I had to be on some sort of oxygen for a little while before they let me leave. The next day wasn’t much better. My throat started closing up again. I was about an hour away from where I was staying, so I had to go to a different hospital. It was the 4th of July, I remember it clearly because I was really mad that I didn’t get to see any fireworks. Got oxygen again, they took X-Rays of my lungs to make sure I didn’t have pnuemonia, and then I got to leave.They sent me home with an inhaler which I only had to use twice. I had to spend over a week lying in bed because I was so weak.

In August of that same year, I got to see an allergist. The weird part of getting allergies tested, at least for where I was, is they took 80 dots of possible allergens and tested them on my back. Found out I’m allergic to Cats, Dogs, Trees, Grass, Cockroaches, Mold, and Treenuts. What’s interesting about the Treenut allergy was that I did not eat any treenuts before or after I started having the stomach pain. I wasn’t much of a nut person anyways, so it was never an issue.

The issues I was having kept persisting. Later in that year I went in for a HIDA Scan. It was really strange. I had an IV that injected some sort of dye into my gastrointestinal system. I remember having to lie flat on a table for a long time and then later having to chug a carton of milk and then lie on the table again. It took a long time. What came out of it was that my gallbladder functions at 26% if I remember correctly. That didn’t do much for me, it wasn’t very useful information wise. I opted to not have my gallbladder out because in many cases that doesn’t fix the problem.

In early January of the next year, I had an endoscopy. Going under anasthesia was the strangest experience. I remember when I woke up after “waking up” my throat hurt really bad. All they determined was that I have acid reflux, not severe or anything, just some close to the opening of my esophagus to my stomach.

I continued to feel sick a lot. My stomach would hurt with that sharp pain. I started taking stomach pills for a while before I ate. that never seemed to do much for me.

Fast forward to December of 2019. I had another allergic reaction. This time it was from a cake cone at Disney World (you put treenuts in your ice cream cones? Why???). I spent 3 1/2 hours in the ER for that. I don’t remember it as clearly as the first time.

Continued to feel sick. It didn’t get worse until recently.

I will randomly feel extremely sick. My stomach will hurt, and I will have abdominal(intestinal) pain. this happens 3-4 times a day. I usually get heat flashes and feel like I’m going to throw up. I’ve started eating less food for a fear of throwing up. It’s incredibly painful. There’s so much about it that I can’t describe. I don’t even know how to describe how much it makes me hate being alive and hate my body. I really just want to feel ok. It usually gets really bad after 12am until around 2am. I have a two hour grace period where I feel sick, but not terribly and then it comes back full force. I don’t know what’s wrong with me and why my body is fighting itself constantly.

tl;dr My body is fucked up and I feel super sick all the time