#at least it turned out better ??? hopefully ???
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Wait, they're making another one? Oh-kaaayyyy... Not holding my breath, but hopefully it's at least better than the $h!tshow that was the second movie. (Even if that "version" of Silver is still there.) If it's any consolation, I don't know how much Sega is involved with the Sonic movies, but if it's a good bit, then maybe they can help out! At the very least, there's this amazing comment under the reveal teaser. (GOLDEN ISLAND MENTIONED)
#angry birds#angry birds movie#the angry birds movie#angry birds movie 3#the angry birds movie 3#am i the first one to tag that?#just hoping it's anywhere near as solid as the first and not the dumb unfocused slop that is the second#but seriously please don't drag silver back into this you massacred my favorite adopted piggy-turned-bird enough last time#maybe they could finally do something cool with jo like they've deserved for the past year?#then again it's likely an average-tier animated kids movie so they may not dare include a non-binary character#(then again spa's involved and spider-gwen is at least 80% likely to be trans...#...so maybe there's still hope for jo to finally get to be more than a pfp for a month)#(then again sony wants to play with ai soon so yikes)#yeah i'm still bitter that they're continuing a movie series that got killed five years ago instead of continuing better stuff#like c'mon we get an angry birds movie 3 before angry birds stella season 3 or even toons season 4?#hopefully they actually use the darn slingshots (the absence of which was one of many things that sunk the 2nd movie)#i don't know what to make of angry birds anymore considering how they murdered their renaissance before it could ever begin#(shortening and delisting the remake. making reloaded apple-exclusive. whatever on earth bad piggies 2 was.)#but i'm just hoping they can get at least one thing right this decade. just one please.#being an angry birds since 2012 and witnessing everything go to hell from 2015 onward...#...really was the perfect preparation for being a bengals fan wasn't it#welp forget everything i said about studios earlier#sega is absolutely producing it and the animation will be done by dneg who animated freaking nimona#okay NOW this just got very interesting. now i'm keeping an eye out on this.#(seriously i know dneg didn't do the most on nimona but still.#a studio involved in nimona an angry birds movie.#that combo of words alone might make my day! 2012 sorta and modern sorta would be hugging jumping up and down at that!)
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I hate panic attacks
#rant#which is to say i hate the whirlwind of specifically bad times in my life that brought them on and kept them#i hate that they trigger when i feel strong Anything#ive been trying to Dissassociate less and feel more. because feeling stuff does HELP me notice whats helping or hurting me#but like. i WISH it was about feeling joy and pleasure and excitement. maybe ill feel those eventually#but right now Any strong emotion is still ridiculously close to triggering panic attacks#im still terrified to go watch a play. because i LOVE plays and the last times ive gone for the past decade#ive had awful panic attacks because my brain clicked Love them with Intense Feeling into Panic dont breathe chest hurts Hate Urself#turns out my brain didnt just attach the trigger to fear of loud noises or fear of asking for#trigger from self hating thiught loops#it alsp clicked the trigger into: particularly notiveable romantic feelings of any kind (lile someome? have a panic attack! thatll keep u#physically incapable of getting near them! like plays! lets have you unable to breathe sobbimg hysterical so ur terrified to be trapped in#the audiience for hours! fucking hate hate hate it)#neurofeedback and emdr certainly lowered the panic attack rate per day or week to a Lesser per month situation#but im still lucky if i get thru a pa without illogivally trying to Fix it the irrational way i did when young which is hit myself#in the illogical hope if im injured enough ill be able to think again (which doesnt work its dangerous and makes the panic attack last#longer a pa just does Not let u think rationally untol its over u CANNOT try and fix it while in it and dping that makes it much worse)#if i get thru a pa without a concussion ive done much better than usual :/ i dont want any more#im so tired man. i want to go see a play!#i dont want to Try and then end up hyperventilating and crying with my brain imsisting i Need To be Dead for 2 hours#im the parking lot because it triggers when i park. or worse it triggers when i drive and i have to pull over and im trapped x place for#hours. either way i miss the play i wanted to fucking see!#i hate how panic attacks feel like a trap. not even a trap i can fight. its my own limitation. goddamn ive been fatigued ive been dying#in a hospital a few times. panic attacks feel worse to me. at least dying i can do something (eventually) to stop#altho i guess dying for hours in hospital until i got helped was similar. but ill hopefully only go thru that 1-2 more times in life#and i had like 5 panic attacks during that hospital visit since a heart rate so high like 200 cant calm down anyway
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so things are not going well with my new elderly socdem friend unfortunately.
#she said this RIGHT after talking about how bad yt misinfo is... which she followed up w SO I WAS WATCHING A YT DOC ABOUT WW2 & LEARNED THIS#youtube 'historians' are literally the most fascist breed of youtuber. avoid the vast majority like the plague lmao#i asked if the video was sourcing the hollow dahmer & the black book of communism & she didnt seem to know what those are lol#to her credit i told her straight up that she was incorrect & she at least faked being curious about doing more research but i am doubting#she also 'learned' that lenin killed trotsky lol get your propaganda right lenin was dead by then STALIN icepicked him <3#anyway im making jokes bc the worst part was a different conversation where she spoke positively of israel#THAT'S gonna be the one to ruin our friendship. fuck you & your war tourist friend who fought in the 1960s landgrabs that youre now#telling me as if this is a cute story. nahhhh lmao i looked her straight in the eye & said i will NOT debate this#so she dropped it like the true enlightened centrist most socdem cowards are and i kept cleaning her house quietly#turns out You & Me We're the Only Ones Around Here Who Aren't Complete Fools was premature *kicks the poorly rendered gravel sadly*#shes otherwise a nice lady & i know i need to be more flexible in order to hopefully change ppls minds...#but also when people say awful & untrue things it makes me not want to talk to you 🤷♂️ srry 2 b a freak like that#also i know shes not transphobic but i havent sniffed her out well enough to know if shes safe to come out to#so its hours of misgendering (which isnt her fault she doesnt know) bc shes obsessed with neoliberal feminism and inappropriately brings#gender into conversations that it does not belong in#'did you know all the countries that handled covid best were ran by women?' 1) untrue 2) dont care finland still sucks#she also tried to tell me that european rich people learned to be nicer after the french rev & thats why europe is better than america...#girl shut up we learned how to be so good at racism and capitalism BECAUSE of europe. there is no such thing as a good rich person!!!#i pick my battles (genocide & anticommunist genocide revisionism) so i let her cook w that one & was not left convinced as you can imagine#ANYWAY rant about today's weird day done. gonna smoke weed & rim some skies 🥵 while listening to the Khrushchev Lied audiobook i found 😘
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the thing is this is awful timing to get into a new show because i am teetering on the edge of incredibly busy (or rather, i ought to have begun being very busy last week and... i did not. the amount of tabs ive got open right now of things to do. scary. impossible to look at.)
on the other hand, becoming hyperfixated on a new thing to spend all my time meticulously documenting that is neither my masters course that's just started nor the job ive currently got for the near future that is quite tricky nor the job hunt im meant to be on to get a more longterm job nor indeed any of the social hobbies i've semi-committed myself to....
well, that is just very me actually......
#the world is big and scary and i am. a very small bug.#with as it turns out a whole extra bunch of disability ive gotta commit to figuring out.#but what can ya do when you can't focus on all of these elements at once?#focus on none of them i guess. so yes there is a gnawing anxiety in the back of it all but hopefully#as of next week i'll be in the swing of things and able to balance it better. once some of the imposter syndrome becomes more tolerable#i genuinely think. if it weren't for money. i would be 60% more healthy. at least.#not in the physical + mental capacity i have#but in that i can Use the amount i have more effectively and usefully and also take more breaks/set more boundaries#+ i wouldnt be as anxious#it really does just come down to that single thing. idk this can't be the most useful system of society it just cant.#me#personal
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i have thought of 1 (one) pro to this whole housing situation and i’m clinging onto it for dear life
#that being the enhanced freedom of living alone/away from family again#just generally being able to have routines and (hopefully) have them be respected in shared living spaces#of course that depends on who i find as a roommate but i��m choosing to stay optimistic#and on the note of freedom that includes more social freedom to have people over#like games nights with friends and stuff#or like. people staying over occasionally.#which technically i could do before it’s just wildly uncomfortable so i generally don’t#it’s the fear of not having a place to fall back to if things go wrong#that’s really getting to me#because my family is so spread out that even if i was able to crash on my mom or grandma’s couches (bc they both live in small one bedrooms)#they’re both so far away (literally a several hour ferry ride in my mom’s case)#that i wouldn’t be able to continue work or school if i had to do that#my dad is looking for a place in the cities around where we are now but that’s not certain at all and again one bedroom#BUT#and this is a HUGE thing that my friend reminded me of#i have friends in my life who would also support me if it came to that (totally not crying while typing this)#he reminded me that his family has even said in the past that i always have a place to stay with them#and i even did at one point for several weeks when our house got all its wall torn out bc of massive water leaks#and i know i have at least two other friends who would do the same if i really needed it#and i’m so so so fucking lucky#i may not have a ton of people in my life but the people i do have are better people than i ever could have hoped for#i stumbled into knowing (and this is no exaggeration) i believe some of the kindest most compassionate loving people in existence#i was always such a sucker for found family stuff and it was only in the last two years or so that i realized that’s what i have#okay stress crying has turned to emotional gratefulness crying#still physically unpleasant but emotionally incomprebly better#personal
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writing dialogue-- 'ok this sounds acceptable'
reviewing it a day later--'this is shit actually lol'
#personal#me for 10 weeks#repeat a dozen times#pair that with Exposition and lord help me#and Internal Dialogue#i kicked myself into dialogue hell#i am trying and i am getting a mite better everyday#i think#aaaaa#i dont need tips i just need to vent lol#it's part of the learning process#hopefully it'll turn out Average and not Poor at least
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#if u r curious abt following the saga that is my life:#i did finally accept an official offer from a school this afternoon. which is a huge relief and really exciting#and for once i think i did something that will b good for me in mind and body lol bc i think i could b happy with any of the places i#applied to but this program is most geared to my interests and its in a place where i think i can have fun due to the accessibility#of nature and the mountains haha. like at rutgers i think i could have got a good education and had a lot of opportunities but i think it#would have crushed my soul a lil bc it would b more high pressure and in the city. ya kno? so i hopefully i dont regret the choice lol#i still have to wait on the offical acceptance stuff but now at least i can allow myself to get excited abt the potential project and start#researching. which i mean ill have 5yrs of a phd for that but idk im excited and my life feels so empty and meaningless rn ive gotta take#the excitement where i can haha#anyway housing is gonna b a bitch bc there arent a lot of places available in grad student price ranges in the city to the point where they#said so in the official offer rip. and i have to decide when im leaving the southwest bc i could stay til August or leave in july and take#like a whole almost 2 months to just not b doing anything for a sec. and my dad was like !!! u could go to the crazy state parks#or drive out to the pacific northwest! and that would b amazing but also that sounds so scary to do on my own lol#like i dont wanna b missing and murdered as a youngish non guy traveling alone#but i could do it if i tried im sure. anyway i just wanted to let yall kno#bc im so doom and gloom on here all the time but a transition period is looming so im only stuck here for a few more months#and hopefully itll b a page turn into a happier place haha#watch out yellowstone cyanobacteria. im coming for u >:-]#knock on wood. ya kno. just in case#hhhh at least i can breathe a lil better now i have a direction#unrelated
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whenever there's emperor "empy" bg3 discourse anywhere, on teh interwebz, in your mom's asshole, on many hills to be died on etc. etc. etc.
#something something GET BEHIND ME EMPY#when empy's supposed to radiate red flag extraordinaire but the twist is actually that he keeps to his word and doesn't betray you <3#some events could've been written or executed better or at least based on approval (you know the scenes im talking about)#i turn into the joker when no one bats an eye about astarion killing 7k spawn just so he can have a little more QoL in daytime#but everyone loses their shit when one (1) unwarranted 'mercy kill' attempt is refused out of self defense purposes <3#blah blah. the meta of people having double standards in terms of appearances and dare i say race (hopefully unconsciously but still yikes)#blah blah. i hope to dear cheesus christ that this behaviour doesn't (unconsciously) bleed into real life for these bitches <3#double standards. double standards and the most insane outlandish takes i've read everywhere (turns into buzz lightyear)#like fr i'm gonna be honest i'm glad empy actually just tells it to you straight regarding his methods to gain trust#every time a fictional character is reduced to simply 'GOOD or BAD HURRDURR' an angel loses its wings. forever#many such cases. sad!#sy.txt
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real unsure what the make of the live action yyh so far... they really played up the serious tones in the trailer, n it just makes me wonder if thats just for the trailer, or if they really didnt keep the more humorous tones of the original. im really not gonna like it if thats the case :/
#the charm of yyh is that it can both get dark n serious AND funny n silly#its gonna be a major downgrade if its changed to just one or the other#i liked kuramas spinny handstand whip move tho#well. all i can do is wait n see how it turns out ig#hopefully itll beat my expectations but im not gonna keep my hopes high#at least i hope itll revive the fandom a bit and get more ppl to check out or revisit the original#i did have a dream recently that kurama and hiei kissed in the live action remake.... one way they could make it better#bc if that happened id lose my MIND#would prefer to see them kiss in animation tho but ill take what i can get
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How much icing do you all think is too much icing?
Another year, another attempt at baking a cake. Happy Birthday, Koro-Sensei!
#Emile's Arts#Koro-Sensei#Self ship#Self insert#It holds up better than last year at least!#I broke the layers again and the icing once again is too melty#AND the edges are TOO CRUNCHY how'd THAT happen???#I'm going to keep doing this year after year (hopefully)#Until I get good enough to recreate the cake in the show#That's the goal!#We're two in gamers!!#Also this is TWO years together with Koro-Sensei sense I watched Assassination Classroom for the first time March 2021#So anniversary AND birthday!!!#Irina's sweater is going to be the death of me but it's too late to change it the colors stay and I just have to be okay with it#I'm not but I have to anyway#first my first time seriously drawing Irina and Karasuma they turned out pretty good!! I'm happy about that!#Happy Birthday Koro-Sensei! One of these years I'll get it right
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#I'll put depresso talk in the tags to spare innocent bystanders#I just cannot figure out if the little cat is done for or not#like sometimes she seems better and is meowing super loud bc she wants to go out#and then other times she just seems... idk i look at her and im like is this it?#are you going to go to sleep and not wake up?#the most frustrating thing is that she was always skinny since she first wandered up to the door#and one day she'll love food and then the next she does not go near it#like treats that she would decimate one week the next she wont even look at and then the week later she will#she ate some chicken breat i cut up small today so shes not totally empty but shes def not interested#is this the normal thing she always did or is it like the same thing with my old dog#like its impossible to tell if shes just being her weird self + recovering from last week#or if its like something more serious#i looked at the paperwork the vet gave me and turns out they never did a blood test so ??????? wouldnt that be the first thing you'd do#idk man its just worse than not knowing for sure#if i knew there was no hope id be sad but its an answer#as of right now its just an unknown quantity and i dont know what to do for her#whatever shes going back to the vet tomorrow hopefully they'll at least give her some fluids since shes not drinking enough#and check her teeth and just see whats happening#Honestly after watching my Nana horrifically die in march I really dont want another death this year#especially since this cat kinda showed up not long after my nana and was a bright spot#like i wish she could just be healthy and happy
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2023 Noah Gragson 🤝 2024 Josh Berry
Rookies who couldn't make a good turn at the Chicago Street race to save their lives
#noah gragson#josh berry#nascar#nascar cup series#nascar chicago street race#nascar chicago#grant park 165#at least berry's rookie year is going infinitely better... for now#hopefully berry doesn't turn out to have been a bit idiotic on social media in 2021
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having a category 5 neurodivergent event (overstimulated bc all sounds all the time) so ive made a nest in the closet and am just chilling here in the dark eating pretzels and trying to not go insane
#been in here 2 hours now and I’m feeling a lot better. not completely better (still feel rather on edge w any noise)#but at least the feeling of imminent explosion has died down#10/10 reccomend#turns out being in a dark quiet enclosed space resets my brain a bit#I just open the door periodically to let air in and made one quick exit to use the bathroom and get said pretzels#yum#ubb chirps#edit: realize ppl might think it’s fireworks bc New Years and all that#v much not fireworks surprisingly. it was literally just. every small noise of like. my family using their phones and watching tv and shit#compounded w some v shitty stressors from earlier in the day that started the spiral and then everything just kept making things worse#but I am feeling nominally better and sleep will prob help. hopefully. but also I’m v hungry and it’s 2am so I cant go make something to eat
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Tally's just a liiiiittle bit fed up with my clinginess today
Can't help it tho. She's my baby.
#speculation nation#and i spent an hour in a panic spiral over her and then 5 more hours compartmentalizing and Not Thinking About It#she's fine though. just got a little sick this morning but she seems to be feeling better.#probably just ate smth she wasnt supposed to. it happens.#but ykno. i hesitate to throw around the word 'trauma' willy-nilly. considering it has a lot of weight to it.#but i really do think ive got some trauma due to the cat deaths.#how else would i explain me having a whole panic spiral over tally just throwing up?#it almost makes me wonder whether i should bother with more cats after them. but i know i couldnt live without them.#ive spent all but 3 years of my entire life living with cats. i cant live without them.#but after some untimely ends i am just... so fucking afraid.#tally's about 3 years old now. she should have plenty of life left to live.#but cassy wasnt even 2 years old. and look how that turned out.#i got young cats purposefully bc i didnt want to have to say goodbye to them for a While. and then i had to anyways.#and im always so fucking anxious that im going to have to again. constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop#so when Anything happens i end up a total mess no matter how minor it is...#im sick of it. im so sick of the uncertainty. sick of being scared ill wake up one day to another cat dying.#and theres not really any way to make it better. days and weeks and months and hopefully years#just spent waiting for the other shoe to drop.#i just hope it wont come for a while still. so i can have at least a few years of peace.#animal death ment/#negative/#sorry for the vent etc etc im just. i wish i could bundle them up and keep them in my life forever.#but it doesnt work that way unfortunately. lifetime disparity really is so awful.
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me getting my fitbit steps in
#actually been noticing ive been doing a lot better lately its less grueling even though im doing more turns out exercising works. sigh#17k so far hopefully at very least 20k by the end of the day i have a long car ride after work then its back home and errands so we'll see#how i do lol
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It would be so much easier to be happier with my life if depression didn't force me to spend so much of my energy fighting it n trying to stay alive that I don't have the energy to do anything that would make me happier
#the fun part about knowing psuchology#is that usually people have social support to get em out of these situations#but my social support consists if friends that just wanna use me for therapy n ignore how im feeling#so#im still pretty fucking depressed#i need better friends#or at least friends that care enough about me that they dont feel turned away when i tell em im sad#told my friend a couple days ago that i get really depressed bc no one seems to be all that interested in seeing how I'm feeling#n they just were like “yeah i think bc of gender differences we just wont get along like best friends#n hopefully ill find (other) people like that“ you never asked if i wanted that....#i wouldve#i wouldve loved having a best friend#but i guess im just not that kind of guy....#fuck
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