#at first i genuinely thought it was a language learning app because why else would you compare it to duolingo

[savoureuxx]

what the fuck is this

[imdreaminadream]

The results pt 2 ~ “What about it makes you cringe?” Category 1

( - prologue.   - part 1  - category 2  - category 3)

Okay so this is the results to the question in the quiz, What about it makes you cringe. In reference to the questionnaires core subject about smut fanfics.

 Also quick psa there will be a part for the results for the other question -  “In kpop fics, Korean words i.e. jagiya, seem to be a no no, would you like to elaborate why?”

Now note these particular results are going to be split into 3 posts because I decided to split the results into 3 categories. 1 - Writing Aspects. 2 -  Personal Preferences. 3 - Genuine Problems.   

>THIS POST IS CATERGORY 1<

DISCLAIMER BELOW. (please read that before continuing)

This is going to be a long post. The responses were very enlightening but please don’t take this as an attack. Consider this more as constructive cheat sheet to good smut writing or just ignore it if you don’t agree with it. Some of this did get a bit deep appropriate trigger warnings will be put on the appropriate posts but I’m not sorry it got deep fics can also affect real life as much as we wish it were something that didn’t mix in with real life, it does. I’m no official like sex guru or big-time writer, or what ever BUT I did add little advice underneath each answer, which are just a reflection of the people’s answers. Again if you don’t like the sounds of this don’t take it personal and click off. 

Writing aspects.

Poorly written/typos – Nearly all of the people said that, poorly written, bad grammar and lots of typos made them cringe. Answers said that sometimes works are so poorly written it comes across as though the person writing doesn’t know how sex works. Now by poorly written they talked about, the plot being non sensical, choppy or lacking decent grammar, too many typos, using words in the wrong context, repetitive language. They also specified they understand not everyone’s first language is English but the least that can be done is proofreading of the works by them or someone else. And many people cried over the use of first person, they felt it brings them out of imagining the fic. 

Language used – So they we’re talking about strange words for body parts especially genitals, and just weird terms and phrases in general. Regarding body parts, everyone mentioned that childish or full-on scientific names for genitals was the worst. Feedback suggests calling it a dick, cock – although some commented that cock sounded too vulgar, and pussy. Also referring to female’s arousal as juices was a common answer, to quote one of my fav answers “so none of that her juices coated my fingers’ Like bitch it aint orange juice.” Then for weird terms and phrases, no specific example was given but I’m certain they meant things that literally every man and their dog would not say, ever! Personal opinion here but, “you like what you see?” and “Your wish is my command.”, and “tongues fighting for dominance.” should die off. It’s overused and I’m sick of seeing it – pretty sure no one says that during sex in real life anyway.

So, to avoid it alls you need to do is use second or third person, proofread, and learn how sex works if you don’t know. Also, best way to proofread it to leave it a few days then come back and read it again – also there are apps like Grammarly that help with your writing too. (PSA I personally love proofreading work, because I’m weird like that, so if you ever want me to proofread drop me a message/anon.)

So, take a moment to consider what you are writing, again proofreading is very helpful, and just stick to the mature ways to say dick/pussy. Suggestion here if you can’t write it the mature way, stop writing smut fics because clearly you’re either not mature enough or uncomfortable (to be) writing smut. 

Dialogue – Too much dialogue and not enough action cropped up a number of times. Also that the dialogue written is cringy essentially, Then there was too much dirty talk, and dirty talk that shouldn’t even be considered dirty talk which commented a lot in regards to dialogue. And although I think I wrote about this answer previously but weird words, exaggeration, and choppiness in the dialogue. (someone commented over use of buzzword but idk what buzzwords are.) May I also personally add that written fake stutters irritate the living day lights out of me just stop.

---- I actually did another questionnaire about this, it didn’t garner same amount as this one but it gained a good few responses. The answers should be available to see, if you want you can take a look at that to see more about people thoughts when it comes to dirty talk in fics. ----

Advice is, keep in mind when writing dirty talk what sounds good, to plausible, to terrible. Just think about what sounds realistic as well, draw on your own experiences or what you want to be said to you. Also, if you don’t find it sexy don’t write it for everyone else’s sake or to fit in with the trend, stay true to yourself but try to vary it up for each fic you write.

No build up – They talked about how some fics go straight to the dicking down, to action, with no build up or a bit of sensical plot, and it doesn’t work. Or if the characters haven’t even talked and suddenly, they’re down to fuck. They expressed it doesn’t make sense and doesn’t feel like the characters are even that interested, as though they’re fucking for the sake of fucking. This also ties in with some comments that said sometimes people fail to remember smut isn’t just about being railed, it is also about connections with people and making love so going straight to the fucking, fails to make the reader want to continue reading.

The solution to this is to reference history/tension or build up the tension between characters, or just set the scene a little bit before getting straight into it. Also remember no one is having sex without some foreplay and if they are it isn’t very good, so don’t let it be like that in your writing. 

Lack of realism/inaccuracies – Okay so this was mainly in regard to sex, the way the body works and some scenarios. To elaborate, people said that there are just some sex positions and places to have sex that just don’t work. In example one person wrote how sex in a gaming/office chair doesn’t work well and they know through personal experience. So, for the readers it’s just super unrealistic that it happens, and it leaves the reader either fixated on figuring out how that is possible or cringing because they know it’s not possible rather than reading the rest of the fic. There’re also just some ways the body doesn’t work I’m not going to go through examples there are so many, but we all know what is meant. Also, I’ll mention that kinks also were apart of the lack of realism, I’ll talk more about that in the next post.

So, based on this the only thing I can say is keep it real and keep it accurate as possible. Like we know its fiction but consider how ridiculous some of the stuff you’re writing may be, how impossible it is. Just don’t be afraid to google things – you can actually freeze and delete your search history – to double check or educate yourself about. Or ask for advice, draw from experience, or maybe try it out yourself with or without your partner then reflect that in your writing.

----------------------------------

END OF CATERGORY 1

(Feel free to discuss in comments, in my messages or send anons or anything like that if you want.)

Tag list

@nctsworld, @lauraneuuh, @jooniyah, @ceoofxiaojun, @lovemayble @hyucksie​ @myelle-n

- if anyone else wants to be tagged for the next parts let me know via anon or dm -

[ksyescribe]

The Boys™ Speaking A Foreign Language (HQ Edition)

Featuring: Oikawa, Osamu, & Ushijima

Warnings: Some slight manga spoilers!

A/N: This headcanon is centered around these bbs speaking Spanish but I think they can really be applied to any language! I hope you guys enjoy! Also thank you @cttnclouds​ for the Osamu fusion idea you’re literally an angel and i love you.

Oikawa Tōru

Why he learned: 

He moved to Argentina. It’s either learn or get really got at using hand signals.

Learning Process: 

Honestly? Probably tried the whole DuoLingo thing the first few weeks after he got the okay to move to Argentina. But after a while he burnt out.

He probably got up to like the introductory phrases and then fell off. Probably because he had to deal with all the logistical stuff that comes with moving.

(Someone help him cause he literally thought moving would be an easy one two three job :’) Iwa-chan help!)

The next time he remembers that he’s literally going to a new country with a new language is like a month before he moves.

He’s shopping with Iwaizumi for some new clothes and stuff when Iwaizumi just goes “So how’s your Spanish coming along?

freeze frame, his face looks like this: (∩╹□╹∩)

Anyways he really like stress buys like three different Japanese books that he then FORGETS ABOUT for the rest of the month.

He reads them on the flight to Argentina. The only things he learned were how to ask for the time and directions. 

Oh boy, Argentina’s going to be fun :’)

When he uses Spanish in front of you for the first time:

Right so, the first time you see him use his sorry excuse for Spanish is at the little corner coffee shop down the street

Of course everyone’s like eyeing him cause, why is a foreigner here in the hidden gem of the city? But also he’s kinda cute what?

Anyways, you’re minding your own business until you hear the heavily accented Spanish.

And pues, we’re all little chismosos so of course you pay attention to what he’s trying to do (order a coffee but he literally cant remember what the word for sugar is dear god someone help this man)

After cringing you step up with the translator app on your phone open and obviously help him out. 

He’s a little impressed because: 1. Your Spanish is so smooth and flowy it sounds like you’re reciting poetry and 2. Why didn’t he think of the translator app tf??

So you get his order shoot it back to Sandra over the counter in fast Spanish and then order your own stuff before moving off to the side to wait for your coffee.

Oikawa might be an idiot right but he’s not going to pass up the opportunity to ask you to teach him Spanish?? 

I mean you’re cute, you’re obviously a local from the way you were greeting everyone inside the shop, and well, you’re the only person who’s tried to help him out so far and that means a lot to him.

For some odd reason you actually agree? You still don’t know what caused you to say yes. Probably the pitiful look he had when he told you he had to move cause of work and he knew nobody else here.

How you help him with learning/bettering his Spanish:

Honestly, he bitched a lot at the beginning but forcing him to only communicate in Spanish really helped him out. 

So taking him on town trips and having him tell you about what he’s seen or what he wants to do in Spanish really helped him. Also having your friends come with is really fun cause he tries to teach them some Japanese words while they translate that into Spanish.

Also being immersed in the language is a big plus.

But I think the #1 thing that really helped him was watching novelas with you. 

Like he wants to understand what Gabriela is yelling to Sofia about in real time not through the subtitles. (But damn Gabriela really slept with Sofia’s fiance? Wack, that man is not worth it hun)

You know his Spanish’s getting better when you walk into a completely new bread shop that the two of you are visiting and he just goes ahead and orders in fluent Spanish.

Leaves both you and the attendant in shock. But he just comes back and asks you in Spanish too, “Lo hice bien? No me trave verdad?”

The woman literally swoons from the whole encounter. He is now a danger to any woman within five miles of the vicinity. Gets all cocky about it.

Favorite Spanish Word: Alborotar - Disturb? That’s what google says but it’s more like mess up.

Miya Osamu

Why he learned:

Honestly? This Mexican-Japanese fusion place opened up and he just wants to talk to the chef about where he gets his ingredients from because this shit tastes amazing!!

Learning Process:

Went home the first night after eating at that restaurant and bought a year subscription for Rosetta Stone. 

He’s kind of regretting it because like, maybe he should’ve gone with the monthly plan? Fuck he shouldn’t have gotten ahead of himself.

He tries to do an hour of the program a day minimum. There’s some days where the hour like drags on and other days where he’s so pumped that he does more than one hour.

His max was one day where it snowed so hard that nobody could go out so he spent like 10 hours doing Rosetta Stone.

He tried going to like one of the Brazilian stores around his house to try out his Spanish with them but was sorely disappointed to learn that Brazilians do not speak Spanish.

Still got some bomb ass brigadeiros though so who’s the real winner here huh? 

Actually put up a craigslist ad for a Spanish partner. 

It’s up for a whopping 5 minutes before he promptly deleted the ad. 

Instead!! This man signs up for one of those international pen pal services and gets matched with someone fluent in Spanish (it’s you hello).

And it turns out said person is coming to Japan soon for a year abroad?? And they have a basic Japanese foundation?

Yeah dude he lucked out.

Out of all three boys, his alone learning goes pretty well. Gets a good foundation of Spanish.

When he uses Spanish in front of you for the first time:

This one’s so cute!! He actually does it sort of by accident?

He’s made friends with everyone at the fusion restaurant including the chef because he actually managed to hold a decent conversation in Spanish.

His brain just automatically switches to Spanish when he enters the restaurant.

So when you hear him bust out into a full fluent Spanish conversation with the waiter you kind of sit there like: (・о・)

This man even orders and asks you if you want to split a bottle of wine in Spanish.

You could only nod because holy shit. 

Like yes you’ve heard him speak it over the discord calls before but in person?? That’s a whole nother story.

Specially because his pronunciation is so good?? And he has the right accent? It’s so smooth like it just flows naturally from him.

And he can actually roll the r’s god damn sir

How you help him with learning/bettering his Spanish:

So he has a pretty good grasp on the language which means he doesn’t need much help with learning.

But you can help expand his knowledge. Like teaching him about how in some countries/dialects things might be said differently. (Like how there’s 17 ways to say straw. Hondurans say pajilla and that’s all I knew for a bunch of years)

He’ll also need help with learning about a lot of food names. He only knows the basic names, not any special fruits or like combination dishes so that’ll be fun. 

You actually start cooking new latin recipes every Saturday so he can familiarize himself with the cuisine.

Some ingredients are hard to come by but the adventure in finding them is so worth it.

His favorite recipe so far? Making Pollo con Tajadas from Honduras. The Bandeja Paisa from Colombia is a close second.

Favorite Spanish Word: Popote: Straw (in Mexico)

Ushijima Wakatoshi

Why he learned:

His last current concern is literally “he would like to work harder at studying languages”. 

Fair, makes sense. 

But instead of going with a familiar language he just says fuck it time to learn the latin alphabet with Spanish. 

yeah okay why not

Learning Process:

Ushijima is more of a visual learner. 

Which in it’s own makes sense. He’ll probably get a book that has like those floating numbers over items and it tells him what it’s called in Spanish right?

Wrong.

You know what he does?

This man. This 24 year old man. Goes home, opens up Netflix, and puts on... wait for it... DORA.

I kid you not!! Ushijima Wakatoshi will always begin learning a new language by watching children’s shows.

You know why? 

Because he read an article a while back where it said that the best way to start learning languages is by watching children’s shows due to the fact that the shows are literally tailored to teach kids the language.

See what he did there? Y’all thought he was a big dumb dumb but in reality he’s a big smart smart.

Uh, anyways.

He will sit down to watch the children’s shows with a notebook. He takes very good notes, has a Japanese translation for everything.

His show watch list: Dora la Exploradora, Plaza Sesamo, Maya Y Miguel, Go Diego Go, and Handy Manny.

The crazy thing? It actually works. He literally gets his Spanish base from these shows. 

Crazier thing? HE LITERALLY PICKS UP THE CORRECT ACCENTS.

I kid you not bro, he literally somehow managed to sound like a FLUENT speaker. I-

But from there he picks up some more books and audio files to try and increase the complexity of his knowledge.

He’s the best speaker out of the three.

When he uses Spanish in front of you for the first time:

Honestly? He’s been looking for a Spanish partner for a while and he genuinely doesn’t know how to go about it. 

One day though, he overhears you on the phone with your mom. 

He’s seen you before. You’re one of the girls working under the main manager and you’re actually really helpful. If he remembers correctly, you’re the only co-manager that can wrap the compression sleeves just how he likes them.

Anyways, not uh, important.

He’s not one to eavesdrop but, well you’re in the equipment room and he needs to grab one thing. Just a quick in and out. He’ll even turn off his ears.

But then you start speaking like fluent Spanish? And suddenly his ears are very active. 

He doesn’t harass you while you’re on your call. Instead he waits until after practice.

Then he just comes up to you and goes, “Perdóname por molestarte pero, estabas platicándo en Español anterior?”

Kind just sat there like: ◉‿◉ - (￣ー￣) - ⚈ ̫ ⚈

You can’t even speak, you’re still processing that he just spoke Spanish like a natural??? So you just nod.

He launches into a whole talk about how he’s been learning but he needs a speaking partner so that he can get better.

At some point during his whole speech you sit down because your brain IS NOT CATCHING UP.

In the end you agree to become his partner. He’s paying you in food how the hell can you say no?

How you help him with learning/bettering his Spanish:

Like I said before, he’s already good.

You mostly help broaden his knowledge about the culture from Spanish countries and their cultures. A lot of it is through food and the small glimpses of hispanic life from Japan. 

Can’t really teach the customs and traditional stuff unless it’s in person.

You’re actually getting ready to go back home for your once a year family reunion when suddenly this man invites himself to your trip?????

I mean, it’s not a bad idea in the first place but then he offered to pay for your trip and well...

You’re kind of broke and he’s rich so it works alright?

God but going back home? Ultra boosts his spanish.

Not sure if it’s the atmosphere, your family, or just the fact that the country is now in a whole nother language, but this man just adapts. 

It’s really uncanny. 

While he’s here, your family teaches him a lot of Spanish idioms and phrases that don’t translate over well and he starts incorporating them into his every day usage.

Someone on the team got hurt and he literally walked over and rubbed their wrist and went “ Sana, sana, colita de rana. Si no sanas hoy, sanarás mañana.”

When you leave his apartment? “Te veo Mateo”

But he also gets to see how unique and beautiful the culture in your country is. 

His favorite part of the trip? Probably your family’s land that’s just surrounded by nature.

He also really liked the traditional shops that the old ladies from the village ran. (They also liked him and pinched his cheeks and called him a big strong boy so maybe that has something to do with it.)

His favorite Spanish word: Topogigio (to-po-i-yo): In Honduras, frozen ice cream (? not really but don’t know how else to describe) that is typically sold in a small bag. Flavors: Fruit juice or traditional ice cream flavors. 

[deeeelightfuldee]

Your ex taps you on the shoulder and says, “I still love you.” You say? ooooof. I don’t think i’d buy that. I hardly think people who DO show they have feelings for me are being truthful, so I doubt that.

Do you play video games? haven’t in some time, but I want to get back into it a little.

Do you spend a lot of time with family? oh heck yeah. I have a really great family.

Is your house more than two stories tall? nah, it’s the two stories with a basement.

Have you ever hit your significant other? Has he/she ever hit you? I will never raise my hands to another human being. I once dated someone who was a veteran and had severe ptsd. we were napping one time and he got aggressive. that wasn’t HIM though. 

What makes you an attractive person? (Talk about your personality too!) physically, I suppose I have nice eyes and a decent smile. personality wise, I am warm, friendly, loving, supportive, sometimes funny, very loyal.

What color is your hairbrush/comb? depends which one I use. I have a pink one right now. 

What snacks do you have available in your household atm? I honestly haven’t got a clue. I haven’t been let out of my room in 2 weeks.

Has anyone recently told you that they like you, or find you attractive? yes. it’s weird.

Are you attracted to the last person you Facebook messaged? DEF not. he has been asking me out since we worked together maybeeeee.. 8-9 years ago? 

Do you care about anyone that doesn’t care about you? yes! I am trying to learn how to undo that. it’s not that I don’t want to care about him, but I know and can soooooooo clearly see that he doesn’t care anymore, and it is extremely emotionally draining to watch.

Was your last Facebook friend requests from a male or female? I wanna say female but idk

Which one of your relatives is most likely to embarrass you? scott

When was the last time you ate a bar of chocolate? couple days ago.

Do you play any games on Facebook? Nope.

What would you like to get a degree in? I have two degrees -- one in psych and one in SLP. 

Do you wake up a lot in the middle of the night? ahahahaha yes. almost always wide awake from 3-6

Would you prefer to read a book, watch a movie or TV show, or play a video game? typically more in the movie/show or book mood.

Do you usually get popcorn or soda at the movie theater? Both. nothing like that buttery, salty goodness that obvs requires an enormous drink

What genre of films do you like the best? either make me EXTREMELY sad, or romantic.

How many bank accounts do you have? 2

Have you ever had the flu? Yeah.

What is your goal for the next few months? i have several. the only one that can/will be public right now, is to get my lungs back to functioning as they were.

Have you ever had some kind of sleep-disorder? How did it affect your life? yes. I have very bad breathing during sleep. I have had 11 sleep studies done, because my breathing will just stop randomly, which luckily my brain wakes me. it doesn’t really affect my like severely.. I function normally. but shoooooot, if I got normal levels of sleep i’d be a force to be reckoned with.

Have you ever had food poisoning before? Describe the experience. Yes. It was AWFUL. vomiting for 2 days straight. it was so gross.

Funny, charming, cute, romantic, smart - choose only 2 for the opposite sex. smart and romantic.

Have you ever let somebody use you? Why did you do it? hmm. I think there have been times where i’ve let people have more access to me than they should have had. or there have definitely been times I’ve been used in school groups. But honestly, I tend to be protective of myself. I stop when I feel enough is enough. 

You can go back in time & change something in your mom’s past - what is it? I would want either Bill to not die, or for her to be spoiled incessantly by someone else.

Do you know anybody who is around the exact same size as you? Who? psh. no. my friends are all tiny which is just not fun.

Ever been to a haunted house? How scared were you? Yeah. i found it so fun.

Been on any websites today you wouldn’t want your parents to see? ahahahaha no. 

Which is worse: dusting or mopping? mopping. i hate doing the floors.

Did you pull a senior prank? Not really advised when a homeschooler. 

Did you graduate? Yes. that was a rough, rough day.

Have you ever been unfaithful in a serious relationship? Nope

What was the last song you listened to? i think it was Happier than Ever by billie eilish. the lyrics are ... woof. 

Are you one of those lucky people with 20/20 vision? 20/12 -- the last time I had insurance anyway.

Is fashion one of your interests? honestly, if I had money, it would be. but it isnt right now.

Do you think you’ll eventually find that special someone? It’s getting harder and harder to believe that will be the case. I knowwwww I need to start dating, but every time I go to open up an app, I hesitate and chicken out. I just was so happy before.. its hard to think I could be able to offer anything to anyone right now.

Do you care what people think? veryyyyyy few people. I care about the thoughts of those I genuinely love and respect. However, I still ensure I’m protecting myself regardless.

Is acting something you enjoy? No. 

What was the last thing you broke/sprained? I have a bum knee, so I sprain that from time to time. I last broke a finger.

Have you ever fought with a friend because of their boyfriend/girlfriend? Because of yours? ahahahaha yes. but years ago. never because of mine.

Has a stranger ever yelled at you for your language? No. I don’t cuss. 

Whose house, other than yours and your families’, are you most comfortable at? probably either nathan’s or em’s.

Has any of your friends’ family ever yelled at you? alix’s family used to yell at me a lot for being fat. that used to mess me up. 

Did you ever play a sport as a little kid? Did you enjoy it? soccer. no, i found the endless running to be unnecessary. 

Did you ever watch the show Full House? yup

Is there a celebrity you are just DETERMINED to marry? no, thats so out-of-touch with reality

Have you ever burned someone’s picture? yes, i have.

What’s the longest hike you’ve ever been on? i think it was 8 hours. I hate hate hate hikes. But, thats because I have really weak lungs, so my doctor says it’s like lighting them on fire.

Would you ever get a lip tattoo? No.

Who is the first person of the opposite sex that pops into your head? kile

Do your parents smoke cigarettes? my mom hasn’t since a teenager. I think my dad does still. though, i dunno for certain.

What does one of your T-shirts have written on it? uhhhh, PTK honors society

Name a pet you definitely wouldn’t want. Any reptile or insect. <<<< same

Would you prefer your partner smaller or taller? Taller. 

Do you enjoy going through old pictures? Yes. very much so.

Do you believe people when they say they don’t judge people? No, i respect people who are truthful saying they either try not to judge, or that they do judge despite their desire to stop.

What did you love the most about the town you grew up in? sooooooo much. it’s small town-y, quiet, safe, lots of trees, family close by.

What’s a movie you cried the hardest during? ps i love you will always shatter my heart.

What’s your favorite restaurant? buona or ashford

Is there a dessert you don’t like? im not wild about pastries.

What’s a book that you read because everyone else was reading it? hmmm maybe that one mrs. pettigrews home for peculiar children.

Underwater or outer space? i’m fascinated by both. typically more interested in the water.

Dogs or cats? both. all of them.

Kittens or puppies? kittens.

Bird watching or whale watching? whales!!!!!!!!

What was your best subject in school? in HS probably history. or science. in college, psych or neuro.

What was your worst subject in school? Math. always freakin’ math.

What is one thing you wish you knew in high school? Uhhh. hm. i don’t think anything. I liked my experience.

Who is your fashion icon? nada.

Diamonds or pearls? Both are nice. I love pearl stud earrings and I really want a simple, one pearl necklace. I am kinda ruined for diamonds for some time. My favorite rings and necklace were diamonds from kile and I just cant bring myself to wear those anymore.

What color dress did you wear to prom? pink

Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now? oh sure. I am envious of those with bangin’ bods. I’m envious of those who have great finances. I am envious of those who live life married to their love. I’m envious of people who see kile regularly. But there are difficulties that come with any of those situations.

Honestly, when was the last time you REALLY cried your heart out? not long ago. the whole crushing reality of losing kile just destroyed me. I’m OK now.

Do you need to return anyone’s phone call? ahahahahah. I just reject all calls.

Who are you closest to? My mom and nathan rn.

Have you ever had a bad concert experience? no

Are you currently sad about anything? several things have recently been really saddening, but I’m ok. Ill get thru it.

Have you had any form of exercise today? Its going to be some time before I’m cleared for that. I almost faint from taking a shower and I have to be on oxygen after doing the one flight of stairs. 

Can you handle blood? doesn’t bother me at all.

Has any place hired you underage for a job? yes. I mean technically, I was legal to work in that I was 17, but the company didn’t want to hire younger than 18.

Have you ever carried a concealed weapon? not like in public, but at a house or gun range, yes.

Are you currently searching for a job? soon.

Does eating breakfast make you sick? i’m never ever ever hungry for it. I know i should, but its the worst. I don’t even like breakfast foods.

[nathenortizblog]

Week 10 Blog Post due 10/28/20

1. Is the creation and use of memes always harmful?

According to the reading titled “The Origins of Trolling” the author describes memes as “a group of digital items sharing common characteristics of content from and/or a substance that were created with awareness of each other, circulated and transformed via Internet users” (pg.74).  The author associates the creation of memes with internet trolls who are trying to cause harm on the cyber world. However, memes are not always harmful they can be used in different contexts. I personally use memes when I am conversing with my friends, typically Spongebob and Kermit the Frog memes are my favorite. The use of memes can add humor to a conversation. Additionally, memes also can be relatable to folks based on different identities, examples are college student memes centering on things such as procrastinating. Also, memes can be used to flirt with someone using romantic memes! I can see how memes can be harmful if they are of a specific person and it can be considered either disrespectful or cyber bullying. An example is when Mike Pence had a fly land on him during the VP debate he became a meme and some people considered it to be disrespectful. However, memes of celebrities such as Wendy Williams or Nicki Minaj are not always considered offensive as sometimes these celebrities even laugh about their own memes! Overall memes can be considered both harmful and can lead to cyber bullying but if they are used properly they can also add more humor to a conversation. Considering the topic of memes I wanted to include a meme illustrating how I feel I look before writing a paper, hope you enjoy!

2. In the story of Grandpa Wiggly, how can we eliminate the stigma of the internet only being for young people?

In the reading “Don’t Feed the Troll: Shutting Down debate about community expectations on Reddit.com” the author discusses the story of Grandpa Wiggly. According to the reading “Grandpa Wiggly described himself as a former English teacher living in the United States with his wife and seven cats” (pg.4). Folks discovered of Grandpa Wiggly and believed he was a troll with harmful intentions to scam folks on the Internet. However, folks also thought he was genuinely an older man using the Internet like everyone else. The article reveals Grandpa Wiggly was a character and the creator made the identity as a form of entertainment. Internet and technology are associated with a younger audience and it seems older folks could never be on the internet. However, lots of older folks have actually taken a part of the internet in the sense they are on social networks like Facebook. I think we should eliminate the idea that the internet and technology is only for the younger generation, we should be inclusive and invite older folks to explore the internet learn about everything it has to offer. Also, we should not assume everyone is a troll on the internet! We should be cautious of who we encounter but also look into proving someone’s identity with a video saying hi or a video chat call. However if someone seems suspicious we can also report their account and allow the platform to take further action and investigate the person.

3. How should celebrities or public figures manage their social network accounts due to their being so many risks like encountering trolls?

In the reading “A Timeline of Leslie Jones’s horrific Online Abuse” the author Anna Silman describes a brief history of Leslie Jones’s experiences with online abuse. The author states how “the comedian’s Twitter account was inundated with racist and sexist hate speech” (pg.2). Celebrities just like everyone else in the current era of technology have a social media profile on either Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter, or TikTok. Many times their comment or reply section is filled with many positive comments from fans showing their love and support. However, at times there is very hateful comments and replies found in these posts. I think celebrities should allow their publicist to run their social media account in order to avoid trolls and hateful comments from folks. I’m sure celebrities do not have their notifications on in order to avoid being swarmed with so many comments and liked or retweets on a post. I believe sometimes people forget celebrities are also human and have a personal life outside of their roles in entertainment. Fans can sometimes go over board and try to invade these celebrities privacy. Some politicians have a personal and official account on social media such as Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC). I think this is a great start in order to separate the pool of trolls who are interesting in filling up the comments about their negative intentions. I also think celebrities should turn off the comments and ability to receive messages on their social networks in order to avoid coming in contact with trolls and receive hateful language and threats. Indeed this would lead to not being able to interact with fans but I believe their own safety should be a bigger concern.

4. If online harassment is so dangerous why are we so invested in social networks?

In the reading “Online Harassment” the author Maeve Duggan states how “73% of adult internet users have seen someone been harassed in some way online and 40% have personally experienced it” (pg. 1). Also, the author breakdown the statistics of what forms of harassment folks have experienced online. Some examples of harassment are being called offensive names, purposefully embarrassing someone, physically threatened, sexually harassed, and being stalked. These forms of harassment can occur on various social networks like Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter, and Tiktok. However, these forms of harassment can even be extended to dating apps where people can be catfished or a match on Tinder can lead to being stalked. We are so invested into our social networks and taking a funny boomerang for Instagram or creating a funny tweet for Twitter, we forget about all the dangerous of harassment that can occur online. I believe we are so invested in social media because of the different things they provide. Twitter provides live time news and it is more accessible for folks to report what is going on through a tweet instead of calling a news station. Although, these forms of online harassment can happen to anyone, I think it should be encouraged for folks to be aware of how to report and account or the use of blocking and muting a specific profile they are being targeted by. Also, younger kids are creating social media accounts which puts them at risk of being stalked or targeted by adults. Kids are creating social media accounts before they even enter high school, I personally was not able to have Instagram until I was a junior in high school. I think parents who allow their children to have social media at such a young age should enforce their kids having a private account in order to approve their followers. Social Media does have its risks just like almost everything else in life but I believe we just need to be more cautious of how to navigate the Internet safely.

Bergstrom, K. (2011). “Don’t feed the troll”: Shutting down debate about community expectations on Reddit.com. First Monday

Duggan, M. (2014), “Online Harassment” Pew Research Center, pp. 1-11.

Phillips, W. (2015), "Defining Terms: The Origins and Evolution of Subcultural Trolling”. This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things: Mapping the Relationship between Online Trolling and Mainstream Culture.

Silman, A. (2016). A Timeline of Leslie Jones's Horrific Online Abuse.

[artificialqueens]

Wasting the Time We've Got (Methydoll) - Thorpe

A/N: Two fics in the span of one week? Who even am I anymore? Last time I gave you a vague angst. Now, this is an Angst with a capital A. I love Nicky and I love Crystal, so I made them suffer. I have no excuse for myself. Thank you to Mac and Freyja for being wonderful and amazing and agreeing to beta this story. I’m also sorry to everyone affected by the tea discourse. I’d love to find out what you’re thinking on @freykitten. Enjoy! xx

…

One Euro is 1.12 of an American Dollar, so Nicky greets the airport with a flair of superiority in her step, and people do fawn over her accent, but no one really cares. The States aren’t as great as television made it seem, but they are something new and entirely different, and it’s just two semesters abroad, so she lets herself be lured in. Gets excited.

She’s imagined she’d be partying in sororities, drinking from red plastic cups and playing beer pong, or spending 12 hours in a car on a cross-country road trip to see the biggest rocking chair in the world.

She isn’t.

Her whole life consists of choosing literature classes and trying to figure out the difference between a freshman and a junior. And there’s also her roommate.

Crystal is sweet in a way that tells Nicky her parents are good people above anything else, and she seems to have a bigger problem wording her thoughts in English than Nicky has. She leaves long pauses and communicates in high pitched noises, and Nicky adores her for that. For that and many other things. There are so many reasons to adore Crystal that sometimes it feels like a default setting.

It’s month two and they’re sitting on Crystal’s bed on a Thursday evening. They have fairy lights on (Crystal’s doing) and a couple of candles lit (courtesy of Nicky), and it’s pouring rain on the outside (aided by no one in particular, as far as they know, but they make use of it by having a cozy night in). 

Nicky doesn’t catch the name. She’s pretty sure it’s because Crystal never said it, but, to be fair, she doesn’t catch many things. It’s hard to focus on what Crystal is saying when she can look at her instead. She’ll write it off as a language barrier later, but it’s not. It's… keen interest. That’s what it is. And Nicky totally isn’t thinking that it also could be translated as an infatuation, especially not when Crystal is telling her about the girl she likes.

She’s asking for advice on flirting with someone else, so Nicky’s luck really isn’t the best. The subject annoys her and she offers the simplest, most cliché things she knows from movies in hopes of ending the conversation. It doesn’t work. So she tells Crystal she’s not an expert, that she doesn’t know a thing about “American dating”. And that, it doesn’t make it better. It makes it worse. Because Crystal starts giggling and decides they have to catch up on everything. She takes her to the movies, she takes her bowling, she fails to teach Nicky to rollerskate, and later they share a strawberry shake in a diner. It’s too pink and doesn’t taste of strawberries, but Crystal’s eyes are sparkling and she blushes when she asks if Nicky is having fun. It’s nice. She is having fun. Too much fun. Too much fun to be having with a girl whose eyes reflect a whole galaxy of stars when Nicky asks her about the progress with her crush. She never tells her anything concrete, and Nicky is thankful for that, but Crystal looks down and plays with her fingers in a way that tells Nicky everything. It’s going well.

Then, it gets even worse. Crystal comes to her for another piece of advice. She’s so genuinely concerned, that Nicky forces down her jealousy and smiles. “Why don’t you do something she likes?”

It gets worse, because Crystal is so sweet and she’s so interested in Nicky’s life. Asks about her hobbies and life in Marseille, goes to jazz concerts with her, memorises the names of her friends and her favourite Dunkin’ Donut. She starts learning French from an app. Nicky jokes that when she comes to visit her in France, she won’t let her go. Will keep her there forever. It’s a joke, and Nicky is the only one who has any business knowing it’s not a joke at all. Crystal gets excited, too excited to speak, so she keeps nodding her head, making her curls and plastic beads on her necklace bounce. And Nicky knows Crystal is in on the joke, that she wouldn’t want to actually fly to another continent and stay with her forever, but she blushes like she would, and it hurts. 

.

She’s been there for a whole semester already. Someone brings it up when they’re out with their friends and none of them can believe it. Crystal throws herself over Nicky, wrapping her arms around her, and asks Nicky not to ever leave in a shy whisper. Nicky just holds her tighter. If only Crystal knew. But she doesn’t and she can’t and she won’t. Nicky plays it off as a joke, like it wasn’t twisting the knife already stuck in her heart, but lets herself tangle her fingers in Crystal’s hair and stroke the back of her head.  It could be enough, she tells herself.

Later, when they’re walking to their dorm, they’re holding hands, laughing. They’ve had a bit too much to drink, just enough not to care about zipping their jackets and to swear they can see twice as many stars as there actually are. They stop for a moment to count them, but they’re suddenly spinning, so Nicky holds Crystal and spins her too. They’re slowly swaying to the sound of the wind rustling the leaves. And then Nicky turns away from a would-be kiss. She shakes her head, puts a lot of effort into not crying. It’s not her. There’s someone else, who is not her, and Crystal would regret it when the alcohol wears off and the probability of Nicky’s chances significantly drops in percentage points. They keep dancing in silence and Nicky manages to make Crystal laugh again. Before they carry on walking, she presses a light kiss to Crystal’s temple. It’s not enough, and she doesn’t have it in her to lie to herself anymore.

.

“I think you need to get your shit together.”

Crystal’s been dancing around her crush for almost a whole year now, gushing about her, but not making any definite moves. Nicky probably wouldn’t survive seeing her with someone else, but she cares for Crystal’s happiness far more than for her own comfort, so she pushes her. 

“Was it out of line?” Nicky soothes, making up for her harsh words by putting two glasses of iced tea on the table in front of them. It’s a calculated move. Crystal’s been the one to introduce Nicky to the atrocity that instant tea is, and it always makes her happy when Nicky likes the things she shows her.

“No, but it doesn’t mean I wanted to hear it.” Nicky chuckles at that. Crystal doesn’t join her, but it doesn’t make her worry.

“Are you angry?” She still asks. Crystal doesn’t respond, just worries her lip between her teeth and does this thing with her fingers she always does when she’s nervous. Nicky scoots closer. “You can’t.”

“I can’t be angry?” Crystal finally looks at her and she doesn’t seem mad - Nicky isn’t sure she’d be capable of that, in all honesty.

“No. Not with me,” she simply says and rests her chin on Crystal’s shoulder. “It would kill me.” Crystal lets out a frustrated huff, and Nicky smirks. She knows it’s not fair, using that on sweet, kind Crystal, but she’s never had one bad intention towards the other girl, so she feels pardoned. And who knows? Maybe it’s the truth. Maybe it would kill her. “I’m sorry, my love.”

“No, you’re right. I’m going to talk to her.” Crystal turns to look at her and her eyes are clear like the sky, but stern. She says it like she’s promising something to Nicky, and her heart drops at that. 

So, it’s happening.

.

She’s here. They’re at a party and the girl Crystal might be in love with is here. Nicky chose her best dress, spent an hour and a half on her makeup, and teased and coiffed her hair until her blonde curls were like white gold and looked purposefully, adorably disheveled, which usually made people beg to take her home with them. Crystal can’t stop looking at her and she lets herself hope that maybe it’s working, that maybe Crystal will choose her over this strange girl that could never love Crystal as much as Nicky does.

But then they get surrounded by a crowd of people and Nicky can’t stop herself from scanning every girl talking to Crystal, wondering if it’s her. She looks at Crystal, searching for an exceptionally wide smile or a blush or a spark in her eyes. Crystal is covered in glitter, and Nicky swapped her highlighter for gunpowder, ashy and ready to go off. She winces when Crystal briefly lets go of her hand to hug a friend, and she feels her heart speed up at the thought that as soon as they run into her, Crystal will let go for good. She can’t be there, she can’t risk seeing it. So she lets go first and heads to the bar.

She doesn’t see Crystal for the rest of the night. It comes with an effort, because Nicky is always looking at Crystal, naturally gravitating to her. But she’s scared of what she’d see if she turned around, so she stays rooted to her place on a barstool, looking for a distraction. When she finally gets up, she finds Crystal alone in a booth and presses a fleeting kiss to her cheek. It tastes sickeningly sweet from grenadine in the drink the woman standing behind her bought her - or maybe just from the idea of leaving with someone else. But she can’t be here. So she places a kiss on Crystal’s cheek and wishes her luck, before walking out with her date and not looking back.

The next day she doesn’t need to ask how it went. Her heart breaks at how crushed Crystal looks when she comes back in the morning. Nicky curses herself for leaving her alone.

“Yeah,” Crystal chokes on a sob, “why couldn’t you just stay?”

She wants to burrow Crystal in her arms, hold her until the pain transfers onto her and Crystal smiles again, but she seems to reject all forms of comfort. She avoids hugs. She shuts off Nicky’s soothing. She shuts her off completely. And it hurts. Nicky’s aching to hold her and stroke her hair and tell her it’ll be better - she needs that for herself too. But since Crystal needs something else, she forces herself to go back to normal. To regular conversations and casual jokes. Pretends nothing’s happened and that Crystal didn’t get her heart broken, breaking Nicky’s in the process. They don’t mention it again. 

They don’t mention a lot of things. They get distant, and Nicky swallows the lump in her throat. Crystal asks for space and there’s nothing more important to her than Crystal, so she gives her space and time and silence. The first time it feels like the old times again is the night before Nicky’s flight home. Crystal climbs into Nicky’s bed and clings to her and they cry as the sky goes from navy blue to indigo to lavender.

.

She texts Crystal when she lands and then calls her when she gets home.

“It was you, you know? That whole time. It was you.”

“Crystal, I-”

“Yeah.”

“It was you, too.”

“Oh.”

For a while, neither of them says anything, and Nicky’s whole world falls apart with a single “oh”. She feels desperation claw at her throat because she’s 4,899 kilometres away and this is not happening. Except it is, because they’re 4,899 kilometres and 3,043 miles away from each other, and there’s nothing they can do about it now. She swallows once. Twice. Nothing changes. It’s still too late.

“Goodbye, Nicky.” Crystal ends the call, and Nicky stands there long after, her phone pressed to her ear, hoping to hear something else, to hear something that would make it all alright, because it can’t end like this, they can’t end like this, they-

The phone stays silent.

[notquitecanon]

New Routines// Criminal Minds x Marvel Crossover pt. 4

Part One   Part Two   Part Three 

“So Captain Rogers,” you started, watching him look around the room in curiosity before he corrected you.

“Please, call me Steve, ma’am.” He nodded, eyes settling on the computer sitting on your desk. You nodded in return, pretended to take note of that but actually scribbling notes about his body language. You had already worked up a ridiculously preliminary profile on the three-hour train from DC, but the combination of the extenuating circumstances and outdated material made it hard to get a feel for his personality. You scratched out ‘profile’, and wrote down Psychological Eval at the top of your notes. It would be easy enough to bend a normal psych eval and throw around a few improvised questions for Steve. 

“Alright, Steve, as long as you don’t call me Ma’am.” You smiled, before continuing, “Like Director Fury told you, I’m just here to assess how you’re doing mentally. As he said, my name is (Y/N) (Y/L/N).” 

You paused, a snap decision to tell him a little about yourself flashed through your mind. You hoped it give him a little confidence in your work, or at the very least build some rapport. “I formally worked in the FBI, with the BAU. I was recruited to SHIELD a little under a year ago. Before we get started, do you have any questions?”

“Sorry, what is the BAU? And Director Fury said something about a Psych Eval.” He asked, one eyebrow raised, and hands folding in his lap. You smiled, apologizing quietly.

“BAU, behavioral analysis unit. We’re specially trained to ‘profile’. We use behavioral cues to analyze, prevent, and catch criminals. But, this can also be used just to learn about people and how/why they do what they do. And a Psych Eval is just a series of questions that helps me understand where you are mentally with what’s going on.” You watched him listen intently as you explained. “If you have any more questions, please feel free to stop me. Ready?”

And with a nod, you began as you flipped to a blank page. Most questions were fairly standard for an evaluation, and he answered flawlessly- showing you that he could at least come off as well balanced, but he also seemed exceedingly genuine. Forty-five minutes later, you were nodding along as he answered a question. Finally, it came to a natural pause long enough for you to interject, “Thank you for your honesty, and due to the uniqueness of this situation, I’ve drafted a few questions for you. 

The blonde man in front of you, nodded eyes catching a helicopter outside the window. When he zeroed back in on you, you smiled before reading off the question, “As you’ve seen, a lot has changed. And while I know you haven’t had a chance to explore, what seems to be the biggest change?”

“Well, obviously, there’s the physical things. Clothes are different, the city is different- I almost didn’t recognize Time’s Square. I don’t know if I’ll ever wrap my head around technology- computers used to be the size of a room, and now they’re barely radio sized. But, the biggest change is the people.” He explained, eyes looking past you and out of the window to the New York streets.  His interest piqued your interest. 

“Can you elaborate on that?” You asked as you shorthanded notes. He paused, collecting his thoughts before continuing while looking at his hands. 

“I mean this with all due respect. You. Director Fury. The people on the street. People have changed. You’re a woman who was a field agent for the FBI, I only knew a few women who carried a gun in the 40′s and they had to work endlessly just to get a foot in the door. You take orders from an African American man and people genuinely respect him, no more segregation. That’s amazing, I didn't think I’d ever get to see that. People seem more abrasive on the street, but are so much more accepting.” He seemed to ramble, but every word was perfectly chosen.  Not knowing what else to say, you softly smiled bobbing your head up and down.

“A lot of that progress was actually made in the 60′s/70′s and still even today.” You remarked, finishing off your notes as you looked up to him. He smiled down at his hands before meeting your eyes. 

“Well, if I woke up and nothing had changed- I’d be a whole lot more worried.” 

Immediately after you excused yourself, you were ushered into a meeting with Director Fury. He quickly skirted around his desk and into his seat, leaning into his desk as he prompted, “Well...?”

You quirked an eyebrow, cocking your head to the side, “Well what, sir?”

His good eye narrowed in on you, deadpanning as he continued, “Could he work in the Avenger’s initiative?”

You sighed, flipping through your notes. “Do you want him because you think he’s a good fit, or because he’s an American Hero and the public will react well?”

He just stared at you, tell you your answer. Finally, he continued, “Are you telling me he’s not a good fit?” 

“I don’t know yet, There’s still a lot to learn.” You nodded, not liking the gut feeling you got. You had a lot of respect for the director, but every now and then his hidden intentions made you uneasy. 

“Like what?” He pressed, voice stern as he leaned in. You slid the file across the desk as you squared your jaw. 

“Well, I only did a baseline, slightly modified psych eval. He fell asleep in 1945 and woke up in 2011- like every veteran, it’s likely he has PTSD, which he would know as shell shock or combat fatigue.” You began, eyebrows furrowing at the eccentricity of the situation, “He’ll need to be reintroduced to society, socialized to today’s societal norms. And that could arise or create issues all in of its own.”

Fury flipped open the files, eyes darting over your notes as the two of you fell into silence. It was a loaded silence, and you felt the pressure of it as you watched it. Slowly, your brain ticked through ideas. “Sir, I may have an idea?” 

He motioned for you to speak without looking up from the file, you nodded as you began training your eyes on the hair tie you were fiddling with, “First, you move him to DC. Closer to SHIELD headquarters first of all. Secondly, New York’s a lot to take in any way.  DC is still a big city, but is less likely to overwhelm him as much. Over a period of 6 months, you can assign an agent to reintroduce him to the world. Monthly, have him meet with a psychologist to gauge his progress. In six months- that would be June, right?- I’ll meet with him again.”

You paused, looking up to see Fury watching you intently, so you kept going, “Then, after the six months, I’ll draw up an official profile, and we can revisit the Avenger’s Initiative conversation then.” 

He stared at you for a moment, eye narrowing before nodding, “We’ll cut out the middle man. You’ll be in charge of getting him out in the world, and monthly you’ll report to me about his progress. In six months, we’ll discuss his involvement in SHIELD.” 

Your eyes widened and you resisted the urge to drop your jaw, “Sir, you want me... babysitting... Captain America?” 

He smirked, the file in his hand slapping against the pristine desk. 

“Think of it as real-time profiling.” He chuckled as he walked out of the room. You couldn’t do anything more than gape after him. 

____

Two weeks later, coming up on the end of January, Steve was issued a clean bill of health- even with the super immunity, they played it safe by revaccinating and running a ridiculous amount of tests- and the two of you were relocated to DC. In those two weeks, you set to work. You were issued a SHIELD credit card, to use for ‘Steve related costs’- funnily enough, Steve was still awarded his pension, adjusted for inflation. You bought him furniture, new clothes, a cellphone, and tracked down his belongings. You mentally thanked Howard Stark for paying to have Steve’s belongings stored.

Annoyingly enough, they placed you back in your old apartment which made it incredibly annoying to unpack your belongings. Steve was your upstairs neighbor. He was almost your next-door neighbor, but you suggested even a floor's worth of distance would give him a better feeling of independence. You had gotten the feeling that Steve valued his privacy.  You now regretted your suggestion as you heard him pace around at all hours of the night. Despite sneaking into several Nazi bases, he was a very loud walker. 

Despite his nocturnal habits, Steve was nothing but polite and thankful as you helped him. He’d been extremely attentive when you taught him the basics of how to use his cell phone (how to add contacts, make calls, text, take pictures, download apps and music, use google), and he picked it up pretty fast. It was a slower process teaching him how to cook, so for the first few weeks, he usually ate with you, or stuck to sandwiches. You got him 

The task that truly overwhelmed you was figuring out how to go about actually reintroducing him. Coma victims felt lost enough after a month, but 72 years (give or take) was a long time- and a lot had happened. Politics, History, Technology, Culture, Pop Culture. The task made your head spin. Spencer was a big help, more than happy to take you up on your challenge of creating a thorough timeline of everything he could think of- which was a lot. Everything from politics to pop culture, but you redacted the bits about the serial killer knowledge. 

The timeline was very helpful, as Steve would break it down by decade. In the 1950′s he took interest in rock ‘n’ roll (he was not a fan), the Korean war, the beginnings of Vietnam, Alaska and Hawaii becoming a state, and the invention of color TV. Then in the 1960′s, it was JFK (election and assassination), The Space Race (he was astonished that not only was there a man on the moon, but we also had colored video of it), integration of Ole Miss (and then consequently the Riots of Ole Miss), the Cold War, Cuban Missile Crisis, The Beatles, Civil Rights movement, the height of Vietnam, and Nixon.

Steve decided he was better off for sleeping through the sixties, “There was a lot going on, even in the 40′s I was basically propaganda for Stocks and Bonds, who knows what I would have “represented” with all that going on.”  

Then in the 70′s, it was Disney World, the end of Vietnam, Star Wars, death of Elvis, and things becoming digitalized. 80′s was similar: the election of Reagan, first space shuttle launch, assassination attempts on Reagan and the Pope, first female supreme court judge, first woman in space, Chernobyl, decommissioning of nuclear warheads, and the fall of the Berlin wall.  Then in the 90′s, it was the Hubble telescope, Gulf War, dissolvent of the Soviet Union, OJ Simpson trial, and successful cloning of a Dolly the sheep. And then, the most modern, the 2000s, the second Bush presidency, 9/11, invasion of Iraq, Hurricane Katrina, the rise of cell phones, first iPhone, North Korean tension, the election of  Obama, and death of Osama Bin Laden. 

You were very careful to keep most of your opinions to yourself, as it was very important to let Steve decide his own opinions. When he wanted to know more about the subject, you always jumped in to help him research- it was like a refresher course in World History. (Spencer Reid was a constant contact, and you were grateful he didn’t ask what you were up to, and Garcia was amazing at finding playlists to really explore the music of the decades, and for fashion trends.) 

Like Natasha, Steve had become a friend. Believe it or not, under all that 1940′s manner and modesty, he had a good sense of humor. And after spending nearly all of his time with you, he finally loosened up and showed you. Of course, it helped that he was honestly one of the best guys you knew. He was honest, well-mannered- a perfect gentleman. Just as you listened to him, he listened to you when you were having problems (usually when one of the BAU got hurt or was going through something). Helping him get used to the world felt less like an assignment and more like off time. 

It took a while, but by March you settled into a weekly routine. Monday/Wednesday was reserved to show Steve around the city, exploring new things and old- introducing him to new and old things. Fortunately, DC was a hotspot for museums that Steve seemed to enjoy. Over the past two months, he seemed to warm up to you- you’d even dare to call yourselves friends. Tuesday was reserved for Natasha, she’d come and hang out with you- and work out with you, you might have passed your field test, but that didn’t satisfy her. 

“I’ve seen a lot of agents that passed this test get their asses handed to them. I’d rather not see you do the same. Well, unless I’m the one doing it.” She smirked after, in fact, heading your ass to you. You’d just rolled your eyes and get up to go again. “But you are getting better. It’s getting slightly more difficult to hand your ass to you.”

Afterward, she’d hand you a water bottle and take you to lunch/dinner. Every now and then, Clint would come with her. You and Clint weren’t close, but it was comforting to know he tolerated you. Or at least pretended to for Natasha’s sake. 

Thursdays were reserved for the BAU, when they were in town. Sometimes that meant stopping by the office with coffee offerings and ‘book club’ with Reid, and sometimes that meant ‘family dinner’ at Rossi’s. Derek slowly seemed to completely forgive you, but still gave you shit on a near-daily basis. Prentiss, JJ, and Garcia made girl’s night a more frequent event, and you were still working on convincing Nat to come with you one night. And on the rarest of occasions, Hotch would call you up to babysit Jack. 

Fridays were to recover from Thursday nights- (Surprisingly babysitting was almost exhausting as a night of drinking at Rossi’s). Friday afternoons were reserved for Fury to call you and harass you for details about Steve. 

Weekends were for larger expeditions like taking Steve to neighboring cities. Boston, Baltimore, Pittsburgh, Philadelphia, and Richmond were all on the shortlist, and New York was a constant. Thankfully, Sunday ( or at least Sunday Afternoon) was reserved for you. 

That was your time to rest, relax, and recharge. On rare Sundays that you were already home, Steve would stop by after his morning run after picking up coffee and breakfast from his favorite breakfast place you had shown him- an old fashioned diner with amazing breakfast- as a small thank you for your help. (Truthfully, you only knew about it because Gideon had treated the whole team to breakfast after the jet landed one day at six AM).

But on most Sundays, you got home mid-afternoon. You’d run some errands, maybe cook yourself dinner and a movie. But most importantly, you were home and ready to rest and relax.  

So at 7:23 PM, you were startled out of a nap by your phone vibrating off your desk. You shot up looking for the source of the disturbance, slowly becoming aware of your surroundings as you dove off the couch for the offending device. Quickly reading the caller ID, you tried to clear the sleep out of your voice as you picked up. 

“Hotch?” You asked drowsily, propping yourself back up on your elbows as you drug yourself up. Your eyebrows crinkled, it had been a long time since you got an impromptu call from Hotch. 

“(Y/N), we need you to come in.” He started, straight to the point as usual. Your mind became steadily more cleared as you wrenched yourself off the comfortable couch. “We have a case, and it’s bigger than we can handle. We’re calling in JJ as well.” 

You were speeding into the kitchen, starting a pot of coffee- knowing this phone call meant a long night- as you responded, “Hotch, you know I want to. That I’d be back in the BAU in an instant. But I have to get clearance from my supervisors, take off of my assignments, and that could take-” 

Your worries were cut off by both Hotch’s voice and a knock on your door. You listened to Hotch’s voice as you set out a mug before letting Steve in- not even sticking around long enough to smile at him as you returned to the kitchen. 

“You’re already cleared, and cleared to use SHIELD intelligence. Anderson is coming to get you in 30 minutes. Pack a go-bag. You’ll be briefed in person. This is highly sensitive.” His voice was stern, but you picked up on how fast he was talking- a habit he had when was anxious. You bit your lip, putting the mug back in the cabinet and retrieving a travel cup instead. 

“Hotch...” You paused, eyes flicking to Steve who looked at you with concern in his blue eyes, he’d probably just come back from an evening run and was hoping to mooch off your dinner, “Is everyone alright? Are you safe?” 

“It’s Emily. I’ll see you soon.” 

And with that the line went silent with a click. You sighed, relishing the last minute of peace before spurring into action. Leaving your phone on the counter, you went to retrieve your old go-bag. Steve was hot on your heels, “(Y/L/N), is everything alright?”

You didn’t miss a beat, retreating into your bedroom- which Steve never followed you into, instead, waiting in the hall as you threw things into a bag. You shoved business clothes in, neglecting the pajamas- knowing the team wouldn’t sleep until the case was solved. Dry shampoo, face wash, deodorant, toothbrush and paste, and makeup were quick to follow; these were the toiletries that you could use in a police station bathroom to freshen up. Just like old times. You’d honestly forgotten to answer Steve’s question, mind-boggling all of the very few details Hotch gave you. 

He’s calling JJ in- so this is a multibranch operation, probably organized crime, It involves Emily, she worked for Interpol, so international organized crime... You breezed past Steve again, tossing your bag onto the couch and gently tossing your SHIELD tablet on top of it. Just as quickly, you turned to go back to the bedroom but ran smack into the super-soldier. You’d almost forgotten he was there. But he grabbed your arm, minding his strength so it didn’t feel threatening. “(Y/N), what’s wrong?” 

Even with the analytical part of your brain working through the situation, you couldn’t help but worry for your friend and the possible danger she was in. You wanted to cry but knew it wouldn’t help anything, instead, you took a deep breath, “My old team just called me in, there’s a case they need my help with. One of my friends might be in danger. If they’re calling me in, it has to be bad.”

He slowly let go of your arm, and you could tell his mind was somewhere else, but he offered a quiet sentiment as he let you pass, “With you on the case, your friend has nothing to worry about.” 

Not knowing what else to say, you retreated back to your room to get dressed. After slipping into some of your old work clothes, you attached your holster and slid your loaded gun into it. Taking a deep breath, you looked in the mirror, Just treat it like a routine case. You don’t even know if Prentiss is even hurt. Just do your job. 

____

You repeated that in your head as you buzzed about the apartment, finally, with Anderson ten minutes out, you shouldered your bags to leave, or at least to wait outside. Nervous energy bubbled in your stomach as you turned to the blonde who was still eyeing you with worry, “I shouldn’t be gone more than a few days. You should be fine but if not, call Fury and he’ll send someone. There are leftovers in my fridge. I’ll have my phone if you need me and-”

Steve cut you off with a soft smile, knowing your rambling wasn’t an insult, “(Y/N), I’m a grown man. I lived on my own for years before I was even a soldier. I’ll be fine.” 

You sighed, running a hand through your hair and smiling apologetically “Sorry, Steve, I know.” 

“Just be careful, don’t do anything stupid or reckless.” He ordered. This time you actually smiled, recalling all the stories of his own reckless stupidity. 

“That’s your MO, Mr. I’ll Sky Dive into a Nazi base by myself.” You teased, pausing when your phone dinged. Anderson was waiting. Steve chuckled, ducking his hand and crossing his arms over a broad chest. 

“Yeah, yeah.” He chuckled as you turned to leave, “Seriously, be careful.”

You turned back for a moment, nodding your head like a promise, “I will.” 

_________

Shorter than usual and I don’t really like it, but I think Y’all know what’s coming. Also, should I put a romantic interest in this?? 

Taglist: @irishfaulk97 @viarogers @toboldlyscream @benji-booxx

[maritimeericandersen]

BDRP Questionnaire 

Your Name: Sidney

Characters: Eric Andersen, Clara Baudry (Euterpe), Ferb Fletcher, Pedram Ratigan, Laszlo Robinson

Pick one of your characters and talk about their growth (we recommend choosing an older character, but it’s up to you!) What about their story has surprised you? What are you proud of? How have they changed from their original inception to now?

If we’re going by oldest characters, then Eric it shall be!! 

As far as growth, I think the major thing that I’ve really enjoyed is getting him to be self sufficient and taking care of things he wasn’t used to before being out on his own. Eric had always been one of those kids who got to take a back seat to planning anything! Like doctors or dentists appointments. He never had to deal with the bank or paying for things like his phone or the internet. And for Eric, a simple boy, if it isn’t right in front of him he doesn’t think about it. Out of sight, out of mind, baby! So him being out here on his own has put all of those things in his direct line of sight. Getting new clothes, shoes, food, water, balancing all of this on a limited budget. You know, taking care of himself.  I know the bare minimum is certainly a ridiculous thing to be proud of someone for, but here I am lmao. 

Obviously a big part of him having not perished and just going back home was Mr. Moon!! Huge thank you to Lauryl and Jun for taking pity on me and Eric when we first got here lmfao.  Eric getting a job, food, boarding, and pity taken on him got him started! And getting a pep talk to actually apply and go to university! Where he’s carving out a future for himself that he chose to do and that wasn’t influenced thinking about the Order or his family or anything but him! 

I also really enjoy all the friendships he has made!!! Ollie! And Alice, and Ian, and HARU, and Henry, (but Henry he already sort of had but I’m super jazzed to see where those two can go,) and although I’ve never done a thread with any one on the volleyball team (besides Jake and Olaf, but not in the context of them being on a team!!) I’m sure Eric assumes they’re all the Very Best of Friends. So I really love that he has friends and a little community of people that he can show for himself!! 

And Eric really hasn’t changed from my original thinking of him. I don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing but he was always supposed to be that kid in class who showed up a little late and asked if he could borrow a pencil. I think, if anything, the things around him in his story have changed a bit in my own brain in order to fit in to the universe of BDRP now that I’ve been here a little longer (almost a year!!!) to have a better understanding of how the world works!! But yeah, all and all, he is still on the original path I had for him going into this. 

Pick another character (or the same character if you only have one) and talk a little about where you WANT them to go. What are your plans for them going into the new year?

Moving on to Clara:

What I want for her, personally, is to soften up and lean into her more excitable side. The one that isn’t so concerned with money or the way she looks or what other people are perceiving her to be. I want her to open up more!! Being a Muse will be super helpful to her because I think for a character to help someone else, they’re going to need to have a bit more vulnerability to them? Like, all mentor or helper type characters have to gain some semblance of trust from the person they're helping to get them to see that they aren’t in an environment to be judged or taken advantage of. Right? Like uh, Obi Wan isn’t necessarily up front with Luke about everything but he gives him many truths, like how he and his father were very good friends, so Luke trusts him! Or when Professor Keating is vulnerable with his students, telling them about how love and poetry and those deep dark feelings inside of you are what life is all about, and they trusted him wholeheartedly!

In order to do that, she’s going to need to let go of her own fears!! And grow! I want to see her learn that part of being people’s friends, or when being someone’s guide as a Muse. I think her coming to understand that sharing her story and history will be very helpful in her journey to becoming this generation’s Euterpe. I want to see her come into her more active magic by developing emotionally! Working through her anger and letting go of that to make more room for the part of her that wants to connect and be around people. 

I am also really excited to see where her connections take her in the coming future! The Groove Room as her first helping gig to Ber! Being in a band!! Working at Tiana’s place and performing original music there!!! Getting to talk more with Franny, her idol!!!, will be fantastic for her. I’m so super duper excited to see where she goes. 

Pick a thread or a plot that you’re proud of and talk about why you loved it. 

This is an insane question because I genuinely love them all so much you guys 😭 

For Eric: Any thread he’s had with Jun since that has helped move Eric along in getting to be his Own Person and getting his act together. Again, thank you Jun! I really really enjoyed his first interaction with Lou? I thought that thread was hilarious and yet cringed the entire time writing it because Eric is such a ridiculous person. I also liked his thread with Olaf when they went on the tour of the university!! Their conversation about the gryphons was really a challenge on Eric and having to think about hunting from the perspective of the other side, which he had never really done before. Also just him having a genuine and intelligent conversation with a fairy who is now also playing a sport with him has probably been very helpful to him!!! I love his threads with Haru because getting to write his reactions to her learning about the human world always brings me such delight. All this threads with Ollie are great because I get to write that part of Eric that is just a dumb boy hanging out with his bestie!! I love that so much since he’s so much more relaxed and I find their banter to be an easy back and forth. Getting to meet Isa for the first time was a blast, I really enjoyed their interaction. Most recently I was super de duper in love with him and Henry’s re-meeting. I hadn’t had a chance for him to really face the Order without him having to go all the way back to everyone, so getting that connection with Henry was a good inbetween and getting to write him talking to someone who knows the life and his plight was so cathartic for him! 

For Clara: Any thread between her and Franny is so fun!! Her first meeting with Franny was great because I got to try and capture one of those moments that’s like, you know and adore this person and they’ve done so much for you but they have noooo idea who the hell you are. So that was a lot of fun for me, not so much for Clara lmfao, but hey it was the first step in getting her to this stage in her relationship with Franny, which she never thought she would even have!!! I really liked the two threads she got to have with Callie before she departed, it was very kind of Pet to give me those moments of giving Clara the knowledge of what/who she was!! Otherwise she would be walking around, still in the dark about her magic! OH, I loved the thread with her and Mei Q. !! I think it was important for her to get the advice of being open to people from an outside, neutral source who had no stake in Clara at all other than to just tell her what was up. Even if she didn’t really trust it lmao, it planted the seeds in her brain. I also really liked her thread with Imelda where she was trying to finagle the truth about her and O’Malley out of her lmfao. It was a challenge for me to think of dialogue that wouldn’t give her away, so that was very fun!!! And thank you Imelda for not firing her! And then of course, her thread with Ber and getting him to let her help her with the Groove Room! It gave me a chance to use her magic and start to explore the beginnings of how she is going to approach being a Muse while also giving her the first taste of adventure. Getting to write a Clara whose mind isn’t wrapped up in her account balance and is instead thinking about the love of life is always a very fun time for me, so that thread has been nice to write. 

For Ferb: Literally any thread with his siblings. I want to take this moment to personally thank Emma and MK for giving me the Flynn’s in the span of ?? like four months?? Which was insane to me, because when I was writing his app I was like, “I will probably never get my siblings, and I will just have to accept that.” but then bam, next thing I know, there they were. So anything with them has been like my dreams come true. I loved his thread with Mei K. asking him to prom via sign!!! Too pure. The thread with Su when she was helping him work through what being a sibling is like and then cementing their friendship was really good because it got him to open up and doing that with Ferb seemed ?? impossible to me, so getting to write that was wonderful! Also his thread with JJ! Getting to gush about sign language was so much fun for for me, so thank you so much, Bee for giving me that opportunity!!! His and Vanessa’s thread at the carnival was really fun, too, especially since I made it my personal goal in that one to cut any dialogue from him and work on how he communicates without using words in that sort of fast paced situation where he couldn’t use his phone to know what she was saying, so, I thoroughly enjoyed that one, too. 

For Ratigan: I honestly find any interaction with Ratigan to be a blessing to me because I genuinely feel terrible for asking for threads with him since he is so mean. His thread with Tiana and getting her to take up his offer on a loan was awesome, especially since it was one of the first things I got to write with him!! Very much appreciate Emma for willing to put Tiana in that position! It also gave me the thread with him and Simba, which was really funny since they are such opposites and getting to write Ratigan playing nice but secretly envying everything that Simba is/has was really interesting. Both his threads with Errol of course because it just gives me the opportunity to write him being the mean spirited person that he is. I adored his thread with Franny when she told him the news that she was pregnant!!! It gave me the chance to reflect on him and his relationship with her and the fact that he actually does like her and would snipe anyone who came for her. Not that he would admit that at all. LOVE his threads with Bianca, them staring one another down like a pair of cowboys waiting to see who will draw first has been so much fun to write!! I love writing that part of him as his paranoia knows no bounds. And his thread with Zira?? Has been immaculate because writing him in a place where he doesn’t think he is the superior one in the room would never happen in any other context, so I absolutely love getting to write him getting put in his place lmao. Also, having just finished the AU thread with LP was really fun!!! I liked getting to play into the tropes and the campiness of the spy genre and getting to see what he would act like in the face of genuine emotion. 

For Laszlo: Literally all this threads lol. Writing Laszlo brings me such joy, as he is such a ray of sunshine. Him and Lachlann were a hoot and a half. I looooooooooved him and Eilonwy!! Both because she is such a treat but also because getting to write about him witnessing magic being put into his art while speaking to the person behind the magic was fantastic for what he wants to do in the future! Both his threads with Simba have been great, I love their vibe so much. The three-way thread between him, Lou, and Tiana for the mural was super fun!! I got my first taste into what discussing art would be like while also getting to think about how Laszlo would approach art while getting help from two other voices, so that whole thing was just chef kisses. His thread with Cornelius right now has been really lovely, I like getting to write them having a fun time together and being bros!! His threads with Franny have been so good, I adore them so much, their relationship is so fun to write. And of course, Marlin, too!! Their first thread was really fun and gave me the opportunity to write comedy as well as trying to figure out how he would react to embarrassment and all that. His thread with his mum is still coming along but I am in loVE with it so far. Petunia is the best, so getting to write with her and trying to figure out how that relationship has developed with them both being adults now has really been such a delight for me. I’m so happy because, bruh, like Ferb, when I was applying for him I told myself I would probably never get his intimidate family and that was going to be okay. Now look at us, who would have thought- 

In terms of your own writing, identify 1-3 strengths and talk about why you think it’s one of your strengths.

Warning: Cop Out Ahead

Hmmm, I think the only strength I can think of  would just be that I’m open to changes? I have no problems in people damaging my ego because I simply do not have one lmao. There’s really nothing I will be offended at needing to move around or change to fit. I like being able to hear what other people have to say about my writing, even if it’s to do something completely different with where I was going because I wouldn’t have ever thought to do it like that!! Which I’ve learned in rp is super great since there are so many people here with so many different ideas and perspectives and characters and it brings me such joy to hear you all talk and collab and read what you’ve written!!!! 

In terms of your own writing, identify 1-3 areas of improvement.

Oh gosh, where to even begin. 

1. I’m terrible with metaphors and comparisons lmaooo. I will attempt to write something lyrical or flowery and then I’ll come back to it and be like:

so that I definitely need to get better at!! Stop comparing things that don’t make sense!! Also not just using them to make my point as clear as glass. I think a big portion of why I write terrible, embarrassing metaphors is because I’m scared of being misunderstood so I feel like I have to give everyone a giant neon sign saying what I mean like seven times over. When in reality, everyone here is an intelligent individual who also writes very well so they will have no problem figuring out what I mean because, in all honestly, whatever I am writing isn’t going to be that convoluted!! 

2. My sentence structures are always all over the fucking place. I do run ons, fragments, repetitive, I do all the sins baby. I need to clean it up and get my act together. Which brings me to my next point,

3. Editing. I’m very terrible at editing my own work because a lot of the time I don’t want to read my own writing so it makes me reluctant to go back over and check what I did. But then when I DO go back and read it to remember what I did for a reply, I read all the easy mistakes I could have fixed which means the person I’m writing with read it, too, which makes me cringe more and makes me not want to read what I wrote all over again, and then it is just one massive positive feedback loop that ends with unedited work and a bunch of nonsense left for someone to interpret. I gotta stop it!! I either need to get some self confidence somehow or just suck it up and get to editing more so people don’t have to suffer for my mistakes. 

Pick one of your plots, or even just a character, and come up with a list of 3-5 “mentor texts” where you can look for inspiration or research, then write a short (2-4 sentences) why you picked those texts. (They don’t have to be books, either!)

I feel like I’m back at school doing a Work Cited page lmao. But okay, for Ratigan: 

Of course, the most obvious: The Adventure of the Final Problem by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. Thank god this was a short story, lmao. Honestly, reading it you could tell a bitch was just trying to put a wrap on it because Doyle doesn’t really go into detail about anything besides Holmes and Watson’s road trip. Like it never goes into detail about the big back and forth game between Holmes and Moriarty, it just tells us that they had one and this story takes place at the end of it. We only ever get Moriarty through Holme’s storytelling and from afar from Watson’s point of view. So it’s kind of funny that this guy, who appears in one short story and only mentioned in one other book, who had barely any character besides being smart, has been turned into this notorious villain name. I mean….his power….

Anyways, the reason I read it was because Ratigan is the Moriarty of Basil of Baker street, so I figured it would be useful to read the source material since my only experience with the character was Andrew Scott’s in Sherlock the show and then Jared Harris’ in Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shadows, who I still reference since I think he was a brilliant casting choice and is closest to the guy described in the story besides the guy who played Niles in the Nanny showing up as him in that one episode of Star Trek Next Gen lmfao. It was actually very helpful when trying to think of how to adapt him into a person rather than a cartoon rat. It gave me more insight into the criminal world aspect of his plot, too,  and how he ran it and everything: “ He sits motionless, like a spider in the center of its web, but that web has a thousand radiations, and he knows well every quiver of each of them.” So that made me think, well why wouldn’t he want to be involved? Why would he want to sit pretty instead of being involved with things like Ratigan? Well, if I made him do it at one point and know that he hated it, then he would do everything in his power to not have to do stuff like that ever again. Hence why he was an assassin and why he worked his way to the top. This also gave him credibility and made people fear him. I also liked how petty the character was. Like the whole part about him trying to kill Holmes and paying someone to push a brick off a roof or run him over with a carriage had me laughing. “Kill him in the dumbest way to make his obituary look ridiculous!!” But yeah, aha, this was mainly very helpful to me when trying to think of how his criminal background would work. 

Die Hard (1988) because Hans Gruber baby!! He is one of my fave og villains for many reasons! He’s calculated, witty, intelligent, and dangerous. The movie does a good job of not just telling us these things, but showing us! In his scheme, in his back up plans, shooting the glass upon knowing a bitch is barefoot in there, and trying to get McClane to trust him by improvising in three seconds flat. Obviously the best part is when the police think they’ve got him on his heels by cutting the power when actually that was the plan all along to get into the vault since he knows their protocols!!! I really like that clever and planned out approach to crime and villainy for Ratigan (even if I am too dumb to know what I am doing (^: )  Like Hans, he doesn’t think that what he is doing is for the Great Good or that what he is doing is the right thing. He is fully aware that he is not a good person! He had the chance to get out, but it was of his own volition to go back to that life. I took that villain approach to Ratigan from Hans in that there is no complex reason as to why he does what he does. He’s not like the big purple grape who thinks he has to do it as a favor to the universe, he just wants money and to live comfortably, the end.

Person of Interest, for a lot of reasons actually, but mainly for the character of Elias!! And his whole organized crime operation. He is among that smart and calculated villain trope (even though he wasn’t really a villain over the course of the show lmao.) What I liked about him was that he went into the life of crime because he knew that was how things were going to get done in the world. Watching the show you see the hierarchy of the criminal underground and how he cultivated crime into an organized and sort of civil matter when given rules and regulations!! His overall poise, too, was the kind of villain I wanted for Ratigan. Also that Elias was the guy that people could go to if they needed something done that they themselves couldn’t get around or that was just too grey area for them to go through with themselves. He’ll pull the trigger, he’ll plant the bomb, he’ll ruin someone’s life. I love that concept a lot for a villain, because they already know they’re knee deep in the shit, why let someone else corrupt themselves when they can do it and do it without the whole fuss of morals. 

And now, a wishlist! Jot down a few themes or stories or genres etc that you want to maybe pursue in the upcoming year! (i.e. a good ol’ fashion forbidden romance, maybe you want to dig deep into racial identity etc) This doesn’t have to necessarily be attached to any characters or stories you have now– it’s just meant to help you see for yourself what kind of stories call to your heart.

More technology vs magic things! I feel like that theme of the natural vs the made would be fun and interesting considering the juxtaposition of the town to the forest and stuff!! 

Also, I mean even doing small, stupid shit with technology would make me very happy

More friendships!! (esp for Clara lol) More enemies! 

I would love to do something of like building a house or renovating a place together. if any one wants to go HGTV, please come see me :^) 

Scavenger hunt type deal? Like a video game! Get one thing in order to get the next thing so that you can get the next thing until they eventually find what they were looking for. 

Misunderstandings! Either ones that are funny and light hearted that result in hijinks or the good old fashion devastating kind that sets trust on the edge.  

And then to echo a few of yalls, and MK in the werewolf vs vampire chat, the opportunities of tension between those two parties. I think that would be SO cool??? not even for like a Big Boss Battle, but the build up to it would be really good! making alliances that wouldn’t otherwise be made, stirring the pot to make tensions worse, blackmail, threats. I barely have any stake in this, lmfao, but hey this question asked for things that didn’t have to be attached to my characters so. I would just be sitting on my computer with a bowl of popcorn for it. Big Vampire Diaries/the Originals Energy. 

OPTIONAL: Why do you RP?

Since this whole experience has been brand spankin’ new with my first go around in the rp world, the answer is just very simple: it is an absolute delight. 

Getting to write with people that double as this built in community/fandom that has been created is actually insane to me. It makes me so !!!!!!!!!!! because it’s so cool!! There’s really nothing out there like it! I like the collaboration aspect so much because it keeps everything exciting and fresh at all hours of the day! Not even just like within your own stories, but getting to see other people’s stories that I’m not even apart of. 

Honestly, getting to read the things you guys write for free makes me feel like I’m doing highway robbery. Every day I am a humble peasant who wakes up and is getting to feast upon what you monarchs come up with. 

Which just makes me want to say thank you to everyone here because I felt (and STILL DO) like such a fucking idiot coming in here not knowing what I was doing. But you all just welcomed me on in, made me feel comfortable enough to continue writing, and I sincerely believe you all kept me going on this wild and wacky year. I know I don’t talk at all in the big group chat because I am chicken shit!!!!!!!!!! but you’re all very lovely people, I feel lucky and blessed to have found you. Thank you for taking in a newbie like me into your long standing home!! 

[angeltriestoblog]

I figured out what I want to do with my life! And made a vision board!

It came to me in a flash, really. One minute, I was watching a handpainted narration of the life and death of one of the greatest painters of all time, and next thing you know, I've abandoned it completely and started furiously typing away at my laptop about what I envisioned myself to be in five years' time. And I know I've had my fair share of false alarms in life: I thought I had what it takes to be a lawyer after seeing Legally Blonde for the first time while on my way to a school field trip, and seriously considered pursuing a career as a fashion blogger or MTV VJ because I was kind of fed up with school.

But this one just makes sense. Advising and assisting clients in producing content, collaterals, and campaigns according to their business objectives and based on collected data! It marries my love for writing, my knack for snooping around (the academic term is research!), and the specialty in technology and management my university ensures I'll have at the end of my four-year degree. i have yet to see how it’ll allow me to give back to society since that’s also a factor I want to consider in looking for a dream job but I’ll make it work. I found it hard to sleep that night, thanks to this nerdy, giddy kind of adrenaline rush I had. I broke down this big idea into smaller and smaller action steps until all I had left was a refined list of ideas and intentions, and a splitting headache.

I needed to make sure I was constantly reminded of their existence so all my choices and decisions would serve as a step closer to reaching all of them. So I caved in to the wishes of the "law of attraction" side of the Internet, and created my very own vision board! Simply put, this act of visualization is a powerful technique that can be used to manifest desires and reach goals. Our subconscious minds mainly recognize symbols and images: by merely looking at our vision boards everyday, subliminal messages are being sent to our brains, which will encourage them to work tirelessly to achieve the statements we are feeding to them. I can't find any explanation for this that's less abstract but since many people seem to swear on it and I have a lot of free time and printer ink, I figured why not, right?

It was convenient that I had this small corkboard from Daiso already stuck to one corner of my bedroom wall with several layers of double-sided tape. It used to be a year-long calendar of birthdays but I realized that I've never referred to it and often have to rely on either Facebook reminders or stock knowledge--there is no in between. All I had to do was to look at my list of goals, and compile photos that correspond to each of them, cut them up and arrange them in an aesthetically pleasing manner. You'll see below that I lacked the stereotypical luxury car and beachfront mansion with a walk-in closet and that's because I decided to focus on my goals for the next five years so it looks even a little bit more achievable.  

Here's the finished product, along with explanations for each picture, to make this how-to more personal and to also hold myself accountable.

 Make my girl Jenna Rink and everybody at Poise proud by writing for a magazine | I had listed a specific one at the time, and if you follow me on Twitter and Instagram, you already know what it is and how this endeavor turned out - but on this blog, I'll shroud it in a little cloud of mystery for now and talk about it more in a future post. I'm very happy producing content for this space of mine and have no intention of stopping any time soon. But at the same time I know that I'd be missing out if I didn't take the chance to be part of a community that leads me to like-minded individuals, allows me to grow even more in my craft, and "gives creators a space to speak their minds and push the limits of their artistry, without imposing any restrictions or expectations", as I stated in my application form.

 Be active in three organizations next school year | (I had to blur one of them out because I'm not a member yet and I don't want to jinx it.) I know it's bold of me to assume that we'll be returning to school any time soon, but if we are ever lucky enough, I want to outdo myself when it comes to the orgs I'm a part of. I have been a good follower throughout my first two years of college but now I believe it's my time to try my hand at leading a group of people and being more involved in the conceptualization and execution of projects.

 Go on a trip to Europe | Not even just a specific group of countries anymore (I used to be a France, Italy, Spain supremacist)--I mean the entire continent! (But then again, with its rich history and culture, picturesque tourist spots, diverse cuisines... even the sheer adrenaline rush that comes with being in a land completely different from the one you come from, how could anyone not want to go?

 and 12. Get the job of my dreams | I actually nicked these photos from the website of a cooperative I want to work for once I graduate from college. I know that I can't plan out the rest of my career trajectory as early as now: things are bound to change at some point, but I hope that I stay in a field that combines creativity and business strategy to craft campaigns, create meaningful content, and market solutions to brands.

 Expand my network | I acknowledge how knowing people who know people who know people can open windows of opportunities that I wouldn't have been able to have anywhere else. But I also look forward to building genuine connections with people from all sorts of industries. Talking to the same circle of friends can sometimes feel like you're trapped in an echo chamber: there is certainly much to learn from others' viewpoints.

 Volunteer to teach kids | I don't think the written word could have changed my life as much as it did, had it not been for the presence of English teachers who believed in the power of the language to shape the minds of the youth. I guess this is just me trying to give back and help the next generation express their ideas and bring them to life by channeling my inner John Keating.

 Maintain a clean workspace that is conducive to productivity | Especially during these days, I spend a solid 18 out of 24 hours sat at my desk, trying my best to make magic happen. It's very important that I keep it a constant and active source of inspiration, free from any distractions, and at the right level of comfort. Although it's not as minimalist as I hoped it would be and my table is about an inch too high for my liking, I'm still pretty satisfied!

 Document memories consistently, be it through a physical or online journal | Speaking of clearing out my room, I recently found around 20 notebooks I had filled up over the years. Though maintaining them must have been such a hassle especially as I got older and reading through them was a distraction from completing the task at hand, I am thankful I painstakingly chronicled everything going on in my life and kept them in good condition. Seeing the goals I had set for myself all those years ago and how I achieved most of them without making a conscious effort has inspired me to do my older self a favor by putting in the work now so she can reap the rewards. (While I'm on this note, can anyone recommend a good app for journaling? I keep all my current entries in my Mac's Notes app because even though I am more of an analog person, I seemed to have lost the patience and persistence required to keep a physical journal. But at the same time, I'm scared of my laptop suddenly cr*shing and wiping out everything I had stored)

 Stay focused on my work always | I didn't know how to show this without having to spell it out in words so I Photoshopped my face onto the head of a woman working in a cafe because those who study in coffee shops along Katip always look like they're getting stuff done.

 Keep learning about the world even when I'm outside of the classroom | And this is not limited to frequenting the nearby museum, although that does sound like a great idea right now. This could also mean attending seminars, workshops, and talks, buying books and binge-watching documentaries or YouTube videos about a topic that I find interesting, engaging in discourse with someone (plus points if they have a different viewpoint!)

 Write my own book | Before I even found out that humans were destined to pick a career and work until they died, I already knew that I wanted to spend my days as a writer. Specifically, I wanted to see my name on the cover of a book: By Angel Martinez. (Please refer to the 4:32 of this video and look at how far this dream actually goes back.) But once I realized that I wanted to enter the world of business, I thought I would have to give this up altogether. Thankfully, I now know that one's ability to get published is not reliant on their career--I mean, even beauty gurus get book deals these days. I'm not really sure what it's going to be about but I'd honestly be down for anything: even if it's just a compilation of my best entries on this blog.

13. Go all out when I take myself on self-care dates | I'm talking about picnics at the beach, with a basket full of fruits, a posh looking hat, and a good piece of classic literature! Or fancy dinners for one complete with as many glasses of red wine as I can down! People watching at Downtown Disneyland like my paternal grandmother in hand, with a plastic bag of souvenirs on one hand and a cream cheese pretzel on the other! (The possibilities are endless and I'm already mapping most of them out.)

14. Be financially stable enough to re-enact that one scene in Pretty Woman where Vivian Ward struts down the streets of Beverly Hills in a chic white dress and black hat, an endless number of shopping bags in tow | The part where I humiliate a sales lady who snubbed me the day before because she didn't think I could afford what she was selling by saying, "You work on commission, right? That's right. Big mistake, big, huge." is entirely optional.

I also included some two inspirational sayings that were originally laptop wallpapers from The Everygirl. I feel like they perfectly sum up the attitude I want to have as I forge my own path and accomplish everything I have set out for myself. If I was somehow able to convince you that this activity serves as the perfect springboard for all your dreams and aspirations, here are a couple of tips that could hopefully help you make yours!

Be ready for some intense introspection | Though it may look like a simple arts and crafts activity at the surface, making an effective vision board simply cannot be achieved if you're not willing to do some much needed reflection and watch it balloon into a full-on existential crisis. Identify which areas of your life are most important to you and how you would like to see them evolve over a period of time.

Specificity is key | The trick is to make your goals as concrete as possible, then translate them into visual elements. I know some people who wanted to get into particular universities, who have Photoshopped their names onto acceptance letters and pinned those to their corkboards. As stupid as that may sound in retrospect, I reckon it's an elaborate way of claiming something that's right within your reach.

Design it any way you want | Don't feel pressured to make it look like it's worthy to be on someone else's Pinterest because that's exactly how you lose sight of why you're doing it in the first place. The only person your final output has to resonate with is you.

Don't get discouraged | Although a vision board can attract positive energy and manifest your intentions to the universe, one thing it isn't capable of doing is granting your wishes in an instant. Don't be upset if what you have cut out and stuck on has yet to happen: I truly believe in the saying that the more you look for something, the more it seems to avoid you. Instead, continue to work hard and focus on the progress that you have already made.

Have you made a vision board of your own already? How has it turned out, and how many of the things you had put up have come true? I know you may be a complete stranger from the other side of the world but I'd be happy to hear from you anyway! Wishing you love and light always, especially during trying times such as this. Wash your hands, pray for our frontliners, and check your privilege!

[burning-up-ao3]

Edge of 17 ch 7/12  Let’s Be Lonely Together

AO3 members, read it here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22297483/chapters/54723820

**if you need an AO3 request, let me know. I’m sure I have some

Sid woke to the scent of acrid hangover—the lingering scent of vomit mixed with sweat and cheap beer on him exacerbated by how incredibly warm he was.

 But it was December in Pittsburgh, and their house was never warm.

 Geno.

 Geno was molded to Sidney, his knees curved where Sid’s curved, his chest snug against Sid’s back. Oh my God, how long had they slept like that, with Geno’s face pressed against Sid’s neck, his hand warm on Sidney’s hip.

 It was awful and wonderful.

 And it had to stop.

 Sidney took one more minute to enjoy the fantasy that they were together, that this meant something between them, and tried to ignore the heaviness in his stomach. With a deep breath he edged away from Geno and rolled out of bed to use the bathroom.

 When Sid walked back into the room, Geno had one eye cracked open. “Am dead.”

 “Nope,” Sid laughed. “You are absolutely alive. Be glad we don’t have skate this morning. Coach would take one look at you and bag skate you.”

 “Why you yell when I’m dead.” In something like slow motion, Geno dragged Sid’s pillow over his face to hide.

“Not yelling,” Sid said, slightly louder and could feel Geno’s entire body wince. He pulled the pillow off Geno’s face and added, “C’mon. Breakfast then laundry and homework.”

 Geno pretended he was asleep.

 “I’m giving you til three, then I’m pulling you out of bed. One, two—” Sid reached for Geno’s ankle, but Geno, groaning loudly and not really stable, sat almost upright.

 “Don’t tell Mama,” Geno whispered. “She be disappoint.” He stared at his clasped hands in his lap and when he looked up, his eyes were wet with tears.

 “My mom?” Sid asked. “I won’t. I promise.”

 It was an easy promise to keep. First, his mom would take one whiff and know Geno was hungover. But second, in the way his heart hurt watching Geno so upset, Sid knew he’d do anything to keep him from being sad ever again.

 Sid reached out his hand for Geno. “Shower, clean clothes, then breakfast. You smell like hell.”

 Geno wobbled a smile and shuffled slowly to the bathroom, grumbling in Russian. Sid dug in his drawer for that pair of black Penguins sweatpants that dragged on the floor when he wore them, thinking they might be okay on Geno. He added an old Sewickley Country Day School t-shirt and debated giving Geno a pair of his underwear, which seemed nasty, but in the end, not as nasty as G freeballing in his sweats.

Sid knocked and didn’t wait for an answer before edging open the bathroom door. “Here’s some clean clothes.”

 Geno stuck his head out from the shower curtain, his wet hair dripping into his face. He looked tired and his eyes were bloodshot, but he looked better—and almost awake. His smile was small but genuine, and Sid smiled back.

 ~*~

 Sid’s mom took one look at Geno, clean showered and in fresh clothes but still smelling like last night’s party. She bit her lips and went back to reading the newspaper.

 ~*~

 After breakfast, Geno tried to crawl back into bed, but Sid stopped him before he could. “Laundry. You have to strip the bed, wash the sheets and your clothes, then remake the bed.”

 Sid waited, his arms crossed over his chest.

 Geno stared at Sid.

 “Geno. Strip the bed.” Sid pointed, but Geno just stared. “You know? Take the blankets off, the sheets off—”

 Geno didn’t move, and Sid felt his anger rising. “Come on, G. Everyone has stripped a bed before. Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m saying.”

 Geno barked something back in Russian, lifted the corner of the blanket and dropped it back down.

 Sid threw his hands up in frustration and pushed a pillow into Geno’s hands. “Take the pillow out of the pillowcase.” Geno wrestled with it for a moment before extracting the big pillow from the smaller case.

 “Next, the blankets. Then the sheets. Have you really never stripped a bed?”

 Geno shrugged. “Mama.”

 Sid huffed a <i>Ha!</i> “No way my mom is gonna do this for me. She hasn’t since I was tall enough to work the washing machine.”

 They finished pulling the dirty sheets from the mattress, and Sid shoved them and last night’s clothes into Geno’s arms. “Next stop, the washer.”

 Turns out, Geno had no idea how to do laundry. <i>That’s not gonna last long,</i> Sid thought. He bullied through Geno’s hangover and unwillingness to learn until Geno had started the washer.

 “If you’re going to live here, you gotta know these things,” Sid said shaking Geno’s shoulder, “I mean, if you want to. I know we don’t speak Russian or make Russian food, and living with Coach Gonch probably makes you feel more at home—”

“I’m learn,” was all Geno said, but his smile was brilliant and bright for the first time that day, and Sid’s stomach flip flopped. He ignored it (not really) as he showed Geno where they kept the clean sheets and how to make the bed.

 “Did you really never do this at home?”

 “Mama,” Geno said with a crafty smile, and Sid just shook his head.

 “Maybe I’ll take a picture of you making the bed and send it to her.” Sid angled the phone toward Geno, elbows deep in fitted sheet. Seconds after the flash exploded, Geno tackled Sid to the bare mattress and wrestled him for control of the phone.

 Sid was pinned under Geno, who was a bit larger and a bit heavier and definitely had longer arms. “I’m look at all your pictures. Maybe you take more of me that I’m get rid of.”

 Sid’s face was deep red, from not being able to breathe and <i>not</i> from the idea of taking other pictures of Geno. “Ha! It’s locked.”

 Geno sat back on his heels, one knee on either side of Sid’s hips, and Jesus fuck, but he looked so good over Sid, and the pressure on him in exactly the right spot, and it took all of Sid’s fight not to roll his hips, because that would have been a humiliating disaster.

 “Hmm,” Geno over exaggerated pretending to think. “Wonder what you code is.” Sid struggled to grab his phone back, but Geno held it out to the side. He poked in four numbers. “Ha! 8-7-8-7. I’m only know you few days, but already know you love you jersey number.”

 Geno angled his torso away as Sid reached for the phone; Sid stilled when Geno’s crotch pressed against Sid’s hard dick. <i>This was bad, bad, so bad.</i>

 Geno laughed evilly at Sid’s phone. “Not me.” Swipe. “Not me.” Swipe. “Not me.”

 “Why not me? Little bit sad.” Geno pouted as Sid grabbed the phone from him. Swipe. When Geno turned back, Sid could see the rigid outline of Geno’s dick in the sweatpants.

 <i>It’s a biological response. That’s it. It doesn’t mean anything.</i>

 The thing of it was, Sid was hard, aching and wanting, <i>because</i> it was Geno. Not because of pure biology. He hadn’t felt this way about another person in a long time.

 Maybe, just maybe, it was the same for Geno.

 “Asshole. You just got here. When was I gonna take your picture?” Quick as he could, Sid opened the camera app and clicked a picture of Geno. It was bad, with Geno’s eyes half closed and his mouth in a derpy smile.

 “Now who asshole?” Geno stole the phone again and squawked. “How you take bad picture of this pretty face?” He dropped onto the bed next to Sid and put their heads together. “Smile!” Geno ordered and snapped a selfie of them. “Good.”

 Geno texted the picture to himself and finally returned the phone to Sid. “Is my phone number. Should keep.”

“We live together, asshole,” Sid grinned. Being with Geno made him stupidly happy, laughing about nothing and feeling like his insides had turned to fizzy bubbles.

 “But what if you take selfie at school, and it suck, and you say, oh no, I’m need Zhenya to take picture because Zhenya best?” He used a ridiculous, high pitched voice for Sid. “You need it.”

 “Fuck you,” Sid said shoving Geno away, who pushed him back. “Hey, what did you call yourself.”

 “Zhenya. Is little name for family to use. Family, best friends. You say.” Geno made him repeat it, squeezed Sid’s cheeks until he could finally pronounce the <i>Jsh</i> sound at the start of the word. “Good. You can use. Do you have small name?”

 Sid thought about it before shaking his head. “No. My mom calls me Sid or Sidney. Taylor calls me Squid, but not the same thing.”

 Geno cackled, and Sid punched his arm. “Don’t even think about it or else.”

 Eventually the bed got made, in between wrestling matches. Sid finally left Geno to it and escaped to the bathroom. It would be faster to jack off than try to get his dick to go down. He pulled his pants and underwear down to mid-thigh and leaned his forehead against the wall. He spit into his palm and wrapped his hand around his aching dick. It took one thought about Geno straddling him, grinding against him, one thought about the permission to call him <i>Zhenya,</i> and it was over.

 He waited for his breathing to even out to wash his hands and splash cold water on his face.

 What idiot asked Geno to live with them? Oh yeah. Him.

 ~*~

  Homework was next. After his paper, Sid had left the rest of his homework til Sunday. He assumed Geno had homework, too, judging by the aggressive way he ignored his backpack.

 “Is just reading. Can do later.”

 “If it’s just reading, we’ll do it now.” Sid sat on the bed, his back against the wall with the pillows propped behind him. Geno settled in next to him. It was homework for English as a Second Language class.

 Sid opened his own literature textbook but watched Geno out of the corner of his eye. He was tracing the lines of the story with his finger; he went over the same paragraph three times.

 “English is my favorite class,” Sid began slowly, hoping he wouldn’t insult Geno. “Can I help you? I mean, I’d still be sitting in math if it wasn’t for you.”

 Geno bit his bottom lip then nodded slowly. “I know what words mean, but they not—in here—” he stabbed the book with his finger, and Sid could feel the tension in Geno, in the set of his jaw and the tight muscles in his arm.

 “They don’t make sense when you put them together?” Sid offered.

 “Yes! English is stupid.”

 Sid was afraid what Geno was really saying was that <i>he</i> was stupid because he couldn’t understand. “It’s really stupid. There are so many rules, and then the rules don’t apply.”

 Sid eased the book over so it laid on both their laps. Geno read aloud, and Sid explained anything he didn’t understand. By the time they finished, Geno was beaming.

 “You best. Best teacher. Best friend ever.” Geno curved his arm around Sid’s neck and pulled him in closer for a headlock hug.

 He smelled like tacos from lunch and Sid’s strawberry shampoo and not much like hangover any more.

 “I’m sure you had tons of friends at home,” Sid said, trying not to be creepy and breathing in Geno, trying not to memorize the scent of him.

 “How is the word—friend but not friend? I’m know them but not feel close.”

 “Acquaintance?”

 “Yes. I’m not have friend to tell secrets or help with work.” Geno closed the English book with a slam. “I’m miss Mama and Papa, but I’m like it here. Is more—free.” He let Sid out of the headlock, and Sid missed the warmth of Geno’s chest against his cheek.

 “I get that,” Sid said as he sat up, proud that Geno felt that way about him. He wasn’t sure whether to say this, but he decided to trust Geno. “I don’t have a lot of friends. Just Flower and Tanger. Most people think I’m weird, like, too obsessed with hockey and school.”

 “They weird for not like you.”

 “Well, people are weird for not liking you!” Sid shoved his books into his backpack so he didn’t do something incredibly wrong like try to touch Geno’s face.

 “Maybe we’re the weird ones,” Sid said as he got up to put his bag away.

 Geno held Sid’s wrist, and Sid swore he could feel Geno’s pulse, but maybe it was just his, racing at the touch. “Then we be weird. Together.”

[brainboys]

[TOM HOLLAND, CISMALE, HE/HIM] have you seen QUINN WRIGHT around sedona? QUINN is a UNIVERSITY STUDENT/PART-TIME PIZZA DELIVERY GUY, but they’re also THE ENCYCLOPEDIA in the sedona sleuths, so you’ve probably seen them around the firehouse shed. they’re known for being QUICK-WITTED and EARNEST, but they’re also known to be GULLIBLE and IMPULSIVE. when they’re not at the shed, i can usually find them at the PIZZERIA. i can always recognize them by their untied shoelaces, a carefully curated pokemon card collection, adept fingers pressing away on a nintendo, the rush of exhaustion after being late and misplaced optimism. 

biography, playlist, pinterest board & connections.

the encyclopedia:  The brains of the group, they know loads of random facts that come in handy in the tightest of situations. They’re also probably the one doing the background research when needed.

B A S I C S :

name: quinn wright. nickname:  quinn. age: twenty-two. date of birth: october 11th. place of birth: sedona, ka. gender: cismale. pronouns: he/him. sexuality: gay (not out).

P H Y S I C A L :

height: 173cm. build: slim. hair color: brown. eye color: brown. tattoos: none. piercings: none. preferred style of clothing: fashion is not a topic of interest to him,   so he tends to lean towards comfort over style.   he doesn’t go shopping for clothes often,   so he rotates between a few graphic t-shirts,   button-ups,   and light sweaters for the summer.   in winter,   he wears over-sized hoodies and sweatpants as often as he can get away with it.   he hopes people don’t notice,   but he only owns two pairs of jeans and slightly over-sized dress pants for emergencies. 

H E A L T H :

physical ailments: none. mental disorders: dyslexia,   combined ADHD & battling with depression.  smoker? no. drinker? socially. drug user? no. addictions: none. allergies: none.

P E R S O N A L I T Y :

zodiac signs: libra sun,   gemini moon. mbti: enfp-t, the campaigner. hogwarts house: gryffindor. positive traits:

quick-witted: quinn is known for being quick on his feet,  but that’s not only in a physical sense.    when someone pushes him against a corner,   whether it’s with a comment made to tease him or a new revelation during an investigation that throws them off,    he’s sharp with a silver tongue rapier and speedily familiarizes himself with information,   easily readjusting it into what he already has in a way that tends to get them out of difficult situations. 

earnest: this is a trait he had to learn,   for better or for worse.   it’s something he actively forces himself to be in order to get anything done.   since his mind tends to be scattered and he’s doing or thinking about doing five things at once,   and then something else,   he uses tactics he learned at therapy to focus on tasks he needs to get done and that includes having a lot of conviction for the things that other people can do with ease,   like sitting down for long enough to finish a rough draft of an essay without getting distracted for a whole day.   he applies this mostly to schoolwork and day-to-day necessities,   but when they’re working on a new mystery,   quinn sits himself down and does research on the background.   this is something he genuinely enjoys doing,   so he struggles less to focus on it. 

friendly: while he doesn’t stray away from the sleuths,   he has no problems making friends and talking to strangers outside of the group.   he can be shy with new people and prefers being around those who he already knows,   but if left alone at a party,   he’ll have a new friend group in ten minutes.

negative traits:

gullible: quinn really is this tiktok.   someone could tell him anything and he’d be like   ‘ ok yeah why not ’   even though it’s an obvious lie.   he takes everything at face value and rarely tries to see what’s behind people’s words.   people have told him to stop being so trusting towards others,   especially when they’re working on solving something,   but quinn really does the same shit over and over because it’s in his nature to just trust people and not think to question their intentions.  

impulsive: compliment him all you want about how smart he is,   the only reason he’s got so much knowledge inside of his brain is that he has no impulse control and if he suddenly has the thought that he needs to know something about how the future might look like with self-operated cars,   ways of murdering someone through poison,   the algorithm behind rubix cubes or literally any topic under and beyond the sun,   he’ll obsess over it for a few days.   quinn gets hyperfixations because of his ADHD and they range from videogames to wildly specific points in history. 

anxious: anxious counts as one of quinn’s primary moods,   and sometimes anxiety comes right in the middle of a perfectly normal day if anything goes slightly wrong,   like losing his favorite pen or realizing that he forgot to grab his lunch box before leaving the house that day.   since quinn tries really hard to keep a schedule,   he feels off whenever he forgets something on it and it brings down his whole mood.   in stressful situations,   quinn paces back and forth with anxiety,   whispering to himself and trying to catch up with his brain.   this usually means that he’s thinking really hard on finding a way to solve a situation,   though sometimes he’ll be so anxious that it impedes him from thinking straight.

love language: physical touch & words of affirmation.  hobbies: video games (lots of them), collecting pokemon cards, keeping up on scientific developments, researching the sleuth’s cases, running, murder mysteries and general mysteries, and whatever his new hyperfixation is. fears: not fitting in, failure, abandonment, needles.

B A C K G R O U N D ,   T D ; L R :

tw: mentions of cancer, death, and homophobia.

quinn basically grew up in queen’s pizzeria.    that’s where his mom worked when he was a kid,   so his dad would pick him up from school and drop him off there for the rest of his mom’s shift because he needed to go back to his own job and the pizzeria is where they allowed quinn to hang-out. 

he struggled a lot with school and was labeled as a problem child.   he hated doing school work and he fell behind in reading,   but when quinn entered high-school,   he was diagnosed with dyslexia and combined ADHD.    by that time,   his parents had already gotten divorced after spending quinn’s childhood poorly hiding their frequent fights.    his mom also got diagnosed with cancer,   and times were rough.

his dad remarried and quinn stayed with his mom throughout her illness.   at one point,   when the bills were too high even though he was working part-time at the pizzeria,   he convinced his mom to let him go off his meds and join a sports team at school instead.   it was to ease the financial strain off them,   and it only helped a little bit. 

quinn joined track and kept going to therapy.   his mom had ups and downs but mostly downs,   since medication would stop working after a while until they realized that they were only temporarily treating her cancer but they wouldn’t be able to cure it.    it gave them time to prepare for her death,   so they did.

his mom taught him what she could about living independently from her before she passed away,   though quinn doesn’t think that any amount of preparation could prepare him for the grief that came. 

he moved out of his childhood home and into his dads place with his new family,    a stepmom and two stepsiblings.   he lived in the basement,   which was his choice,   and quit his job at the pizzeria to focus on school and track full-time like he’d promised his mom.   his dad has always been high-key homophobic so at some point in high school quinn dated the first girl who said yes because he was having doubts about his sexuality and he was afraid of it. 

after graduating high school,   quinn decided to pick up his old job again during the summer between graduation and his new year at sedona’s community college and he’s been working there ever since.   he tries to ask his dad for as little as possible since he’s already paying for his tuitions.   quinn wants to build a career in biochemical engineering,   so he’s studying biology and hopes to transfer to the nearest university where they offer that degree even if it’s post-graduate. 

he broke up with his girlfriend after graduating high-school and honestly his dad’s going to be homophobic no matter what so forcing himself into a relationship he didn’t want was just toxic for both parties involved and he’d never do it again,   especially because he let it go on for so long. 

and that’s it for this part !   his biography has everything much more coherently laid out but tbh it’s kinda long so !!

H E A D C A N O N S :

quinn is really enthusiastic about pokemon so if ur thinking of a gift,   u can’t go wrong with anything related to it.   it’s been his favorite show and video games since he was a child so there’s a lot of nostalgia tied to it. 

quinn has a ton of game apps on his phone and he rarely uses social media.   whenever he’s bored and sitting around,   he prefers playing a game rather than scrolling through a feed.   he also carried around his nintendos...   the nintendo console depends on which game he’s playing but he’s often seen with the 3ds or switch. 

whenever someone interrupts him,   whether it’s mid-sentence,   mid-homework,   mid-whatever-task,   they’ll always get his ‘oh shit’ face because he knows it’ll be hard to focus on whatever he was doing again.   if his thoughts or sentences are interrupted,   he 100% won’t pick up where he left off unless someone reminds him. 

quinn’s often seen with headphones on because he prefers to listen to books since reading is a whole ass task that requires a lot of focus that he doesn’t have and dyslexia absolutely makes things worse.   when texting,   auto-complete is his savior. 

quinn has loved dinosaurs ever since he read jane yolen’s children's books in primary school.   if it has a dinosaur on it,   he’ll buy it. 

he hates the way alcohol tastes but he thinks that drinking is cool so he won’t tell anyone about it.    he honestly doesn’t even drink to get drunk because he’s a good boy but if holding a beer makes him look like he fits in,   he’s going to hold a beer.

quinn...    tries to fit in.   he’s friendly by nature but he doesn’t think that’s enough.   it might have to do with the comments his dad used to make about homosexuality that made him feel like he has to fit a certain mold or else he won’t be accepted by others. 

he’s known he was gay since high-school but he has only really dated a girl.   he’s afraid of being intimate with a boy because he knows that’s what he wants but he has been suppressing that part of himself and thinks that he still needs to suppress it because of his dad.   

the reason he got re-hired at the pizzeria is that the owner has a quinn-shaped soft spot,   not because he’s good at the job.   quinn has the tendency to be late on deliveries and anyone who tries to get free pizzas will get mouthfuls from him about how it’ll come out of his paycheck and please please please just pay for this pizza i swear i won’t be late next time....   but guess what ?    he’s late next time. 

anddddd i think i’ll leave it at that !!   i’m hella excited to plot with everyone so check out his wanted connections list n i’m sure we can work something out !!!!!!!!!

[eldritchsurveys]

679.

could you happily survive in a world without music? >> I can’t imagine a world without music. That’d really have to be a world without sound. Even if you took all the humans off Earth, birds for example still make music. Maybe the fact that there wouldn’t be any sapient species around to call it music makes a difference, I don’t know.

do you think that there's really "freedom of speech" in america? >> Of course there is. How could anyone seriously think otherwise?

has anyone ever revealed one of your secrets to another person? >> I don’t have any secrets, and if I did, I think the point would be that I wouldn’t be revealing them to anyone.

if you've stayed overnight in a hospital, how did you entertain yourself? >> I didn’t.

have you ever made your own jewelry? out of what? >> When I was a kid, yeah, a lot of random shit. And I’ve made a few kandi pieces as an adult.

think of the secret you've kept the longest; how many years has it been? >> ---

when was the last time you made a genuine connection with someone? >> Hmm.

what does it feel like to fall asleep in someone's arms? >> I have no idea, that’s not something I have experience with.

what do you think of the situation between chris brown and rihanna? >> I don’t think about that situation.

when was the last time you failed to meet your own expectations? >> I’m not sure. When my favourite Inner Critic isn’t spouting off, I feel like I have pretty reasonable expectations for myself.

what do you often assume about other people? >> I don’t think I have a frequently-made assumption about others.

how many times a week do you watch the weather report? >> I don’t. I have a weather app on my phone that I check sometimes.

what do you drink more of: hot or cold drinks? >> Cold.

if you could go back and give your 10 year old self some advice, what would you say to him / her? >> I’d rather not.

what if you could go forward from now, 10 years into the future; what would you say to that version of yourself? >> I’ll pass.

do you recall the first time that you learned the truth about sex? >> The truth? I don’t recall knowing any falsehoods about it, honestly. I was pretty diligent about reading up on things I was curious about.

how would you support a gay friend during their time of "coming out"? >> I mean, I don’t know. Never been in that situation before. I didn’t even really have a “coming out” for myself, so I just have zero experience with the concept in general.

if you've ever been a featured member of a website, how'd it make you feel? >> I don’t think that’s ever happened to me.

what things / people in your life make you feel important? >> I don’t know what makes me feel important. It’s such a rare feeling.

do you need the opinion of others to make yourself feel worthwhile? >> At least a certain few others (one of them an Inworlder). If left purely to my own devices, I’m bound to make myself feel worthless pretty quickly. On the flip side, there aren’t a whole lot of people who matter enough to me for their opinion to stick, so like I said... a certain few.

how do you hold / position your pillow while you sleep? >> I have my head on one and am usually cradling or nestled up against the other.

what is a common sleeping position for you? >> On my side. Usually right side.

what kind of environment do you need to be able to sleep? >> A quiet, dark, cool one.

when was the last time someone gave you a back massage? >> ---

have you ever rubbed anyone's feet? >> No.

have you ever farted, but tried to pass it off as someone else? >> No.

is there a food that makes you sick just thinking about it? >> Sure, bananas.

what are some things you just do without thinking? >> I mean, there are a lot of things I do without thinking. Breathing, stimming, blinking, scratching an itch, etc...

what are some things you do that require a lot of thought? >> Writing.

how has your musical taste changed since you were a little kid? >> I’ve added a lot but not much has been subtracted. I pretty much still like the same stuff I liked when I was a kid, but I also like way more other stuff than I did then.

have you ever kissed a poster or picture of someone? >> Sure. I used to have a Doctor Manhattan poster... lol.

why do you use foul language, if you do? >> Because it’s language and can be used to communicate thoughts, feelings, and concepts. Just like every other bit of language I use.

do you think that people can change? why / why not? >> I mean, sure. Because that’s literally a function of being a living being. Change happens.

do you know someone that hasn't been willing to change? >> Sure, but it happened to them whether they liked it or not. (Not necessarily the thing they were stubborn about not changing, but sometimes that too.)

if you woke up to discover you were the last person on earth, how would you react? would you move into a bigger house? ( XD ) >> I mean, I’d die. I’d die if I was the last person on earth. Eventually some shit would kill me -- spoiled food, wild animals, domesticated animals gone feral, some unmaintained piece of machinery blowing up, lack of medical care, exposure to the elements (since, you know, it’s not like electricity would be working without humans to maintain it, so there goes climate control), the list goes on -- and I would be dead.

what if you eventually found out that you weren't alone: your worst enemy of the opposite sex is alive; do you two save the species? >> Yeesh. Aside from the sheer improbability of everything about this entire scenario, this idea made my gorge rise. (It isn’t the “worst enemy” part, I don’t even have one of those. It was the having sex and getting pregnant part. Just let the species die.)

have you ever completed a paint by number painting? ( was it of a wolf? ) >> Maybe when I was young. Might’ve been a wolf, who knows.

how do you think it might feel to have your life flash before your eyes? >> Disorienting.

do you take life seriously, or do you act like it's one big joke? >> I ping-pong back and forth between the two ideas. I think the latter idea suits me better, but brain problems like to differ sometimes.

list a few books you remember reading as a child: >> The Phantom Tollbooth, A Wrinkle in Time, a whole passel of Animorphs and Baby-Sitters Club and Goosebumps.

what is one topic people shouldn't bring up around you? >> Politics, because it’s fucking boring and I don’t care.

is there a type of candy that you do not like? >> Yeah, milk chocolate. A lot of candy, actually, but that covers a few varieties.

which would you rather do: fish, or golf? >> I’ve never done either and I have no interest in either.

is there anything about which you are consistently paranoid? >> My heart rate, lmao.

who do you want to just "grow up"? >> ---

what is one thing you fantasize or daydream about doing? >> Not sure.

do you know anyone that's kind of stuck in another generation? >> No.

what is your version of a utopia? >> I don’t have anything like that. I think of utopia kind of like how the real Good Place was on The Good Place. Maybe there is a kind of perfectly balanced ideal world for humans, what do I know, but I can’t conceive of it and I’m kind of busy just dealing with the world we do have.

rank your life based on percentage spent happy, and percentage spent sad: >> I can���t rank that, it’s just not possible.

[einefrau-entremundos-blog]

On sadness and belonging

Last night I took up space in a place where it didn’t feel like I was taking up space at all.

That’s a rare feeling for someone who possesses what the lyrically-blessed Julien Baker would call a “difficult mind”. The brain that runs a million miles an hour tells you you’re in the way, even when you’re not. It self-degrades, saying you’re different and lesser-than and would be better off somewhere, anywhere else, preferably alone, rather than bothering the normies with your social anxieties and your too-strong opinions and your peculiar inclinations. It tells you to shrink, to camouflage, to float away. 

I love people, but often have a hard time believing they love me. That’s something I’ve been working on talking myself out of for years. A large part of that process is saying yes to nearly everything I’m invited to, and cultivating a sense of curiosity and a love for humanity that swells until it overtakes my unfortunate self-involvement. 

Those moments are the most beautiful, and last night was one such moment.

I panicked last week when a radical politics-practicing former community organizer whom I met through a dating app invited me to party at his house. I’m a slow, tedious mover, and surely this was just a path to an easy hookup? Or a test to see if the milquetoast, femme-y blonde could hang with the proverbial ~real ones~ (see how quickly I bounce from fearing I’m too much to fearing I’m too little?) Or maybe it was a pity invite given in similar panic by a nice human who wished to appease my meekly-issued “Hope to see you again soon”? We were both Midwestern, after all.

I recently learned there’s a term for this sort of mini-catastrophizing: defensive pessimism. Not quite as harmful as straight-up hatred of the self and others, but perhaps equally insidious, it means being constantly on edge and ready for the worst to happen. This style of thinking can have benefits, but I’m not sure if it’s worth the trade-off. It’s been said that defensive pessimists, with their aversion to risk and ability to see ten steps ahead, live longer. If that’s true, then I can’t wait to live out the next 80+ long years of sweaty palms, chattering teeth and shaking legs. Let’s party!

I walked up to the door of the party, not quite sure what to say or do amongst the radicals, failing to acknowledge that I almost was one, once upon a time. I had a 4-pack of beer, which gave me something to do with my hands, at least. 

“Uhh... hi. I’m D’s friend. I’m here, and I have beer.”

I was silently mortified by the words coming from my mouth until I realized everyone at this party was just as awkward as fuck as I was. Their blinking stares and polite pleasantries reflected my own. My inner monologue self-soothed as I silently praised the heavens.

D emerged from the living room. “I’m so happy you could make it!” He shyly wrapped me in a warm hug and I had one of those “Oh yeah, I really am a bona fide bisexual and not the self-loathing lesbian I sometimes suspect I am -- this guy cute as FUCK” moments. We chatted for a bit and later throughout the evening, but because he was the host I couldn’t in good conscience attach myself to him at the hip, and if I’m being honest, I didn’t have the confidence to do so anyway. 

I think it was for the best. Not only did I get to overhear genuine, unprompted feedback about what D was actually like -- religiously observant, active in his many communities, radically inclusive... all of which is to say, real-deal HOT -- I was also able to hear stories from some of the most lovely and honest individuals I may have met since moving here.

These strangers, active in poetry and drag and queer liberation and literacy outreach and Yiddish language propagation and non-cisgendered feminism... my heart melted and I craved their acceptance, though for once I didn’t need to beg for it. I didn’t need to put on my whole quirky-girl-who-doesn’t-care-what-you-think shtick, because these people were so radically real that I was allowed to be real right back. It reminded me of a self from years ago, the one who existed during idealistic college years, the one whom I’d since abandoned in favor of a more practical life and more practical partners and a more practical view of what life “should” look like. I realized for the first time in ages that life doesn’t have to look “that” way, and that the expectations I’ve slowly become beholden to could have possibly been one of the major traps ensnaring me in this all-pervasive anxiety the whole time.

In the throes of my last serious depression three years back, I ingratiated myself with the most “normal”, mentally stable folks I could find, living with them for a spell and becoming an eccentric fixture in their worlds. These people are still some of my very best friends. But as anyone who’s grown up feeling different for whatever reason knows, the ones your love (and who love you) aren’t always the ones who challenge you -- the ones who help you become your most brilliant. Through no fault of their own, the ones who provide you with the grounding needed to exist in the “real world” aren’t always the ones to help your true colors shine. You love their stability, but you tire of feeling you’re living on their peripheries -- that you’re not quite a perfect fit. At the same time, it’s familiar, it’s the default, and therefore you can’t put your finger on why you’re so lonely all the time.

Able to blend and coexist peacefully in the mainstream, I think it’s finally time to let me colors shine. Coming out to my immediate family and close friends in October kicked my ass into letting go of many false stories I told myself which no longer served me. I think it’s finally time to peel back some of the other layers behind which I’ve been hiding. 

For years, I’ve been so mortified by my feelings and the mushy, teddy bear way that I see the world. “No soy una de esas,” I repeated to myself until I believed it. I am logical. I am sturdy. I’m in-touch. I’m not gauche. I’m not sensitive, nor an activist, nor an artist. I’m not too much. I’m not one of those.

From the constant reprimands of my all-too-practical parents (who no doubt sought to protect me, knowing the “real world” of the Bible Belt was too rough for someone so idealistic), to being openly laughed at by yuppie college classmates in a political inequality (!!!!) class when I described my perfect future as one in which I had enough free time to run in the park on nice, sunny days and spend time with the people I love (they preferred to envision themselves on yachts), I always intuited that my dreams and desires were naive and unconventional.

I don’t need a lot to be happy. But I do need to belong. Unfortunately, that belonging can sometimes feel like more of an albatross than affording a massive yacht. 

But last night it didn’t feel that way. 

I want to bottle that feeling. I want to build a life that reflects it. I want to dance and drink beer in candlelit living rooms and speak from the heart and stand for justice. 

Last night reminded me there are others who want the same thing, crazy and awkward and childlike as it may appear. The world of simple abundance we seek isn’t as elusive as we thought. No more need to doubt and bend and over-explain.

We belong.

[alxspeaks]

As some of you may have noticed, I have been pretty quiet on social media recently. In fact, I went roughly 2 months without as much as opening up a social media app. In total, it was 3 months until I officially made a post from any of my social media accounts. Now this may not seem like such a big deal, but like most of the world’s population I was addicted to social media.

In 2019, it is estimated that there will be around 2.77 billion social media users around the globe and that figure continues to increase (The Statistics Portal).Social media is everything right now: people turn to Twitter before they turn on the news, every business has a social media platform, and it is now the easiest way to contact anyone from your Mom to Cardi B. Everyone is involved in some aspect of social media and it is so easy to get caught up without even realising it. I would often find myself constantly hopping between Facebook, Instagram ,Snapchat and Twitter, scrolling, uploading and posting. It was the first thing I did when I woke up and the last thing before I went to bed. I would stay up late with nothing but the glare from my phone screen glowing on my face as I would constantly follow updates and news feeds. It had gotten to the point where I began to feel uncomfortable without my phone in my hand and whenever I felt a bit socially awkward it was the first thing I would look for. I began to depend on it and this twisted relationship started to trigger a lot of problems for me.

It all began in March 2018 just after my 24th birthday when I started to really notice a big change in my overall mood: 50% of the time I was unhappy and the other 50% I spent worrying and feeling anxious. Throughout my time at University I had been noticing increased anxiety and changes in my mood but after graduation it just seemed to be getting progressively worse. It came to a point where my overall outlook on life was consistently negative and I was miserable, unable to eat, sleep or think clearly. I had this feeling that I was just a total failure at everything and I was finding it extremely difficult to cope with life. I was really scared of the thoughts going through my head and I felt as though I had no control over my emotions. Although I had felt overwhelmed and stressed before, I knew that this was different but I had no idea what was happening to me. I sought advice from a friend who I knew was open about her mental health journey and after speaking to her I took a huge leap and decided to refer myself to my local mental health team.

This was just the worst thing for me as I hate drawing any attention to myself, yet, here I was,  preparing to talk to total strangers about my life. I started doing my own research into the way that I was feeling and I began to discover that I had symptoms similar to that of Anxiety.These were symptoms that I had been suffering with with for over 5 years and I had just put it down to stress or to me simply overreacting and being silly. I was later diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD) Social Phobia and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. MAD! One day i’m just me trying to live my best life, and the next I suddenly have three Anxiety Disorders that I now have to manage and understand. The change was huge and I felt as though I had to learn who I was all over again as all of this time I had been living with a mental health condition that I knew nothing about. It’s crazy to think that if I hadn't taken my health into my own hands I would have never had any answers for the way that I had been feeling all of these years.

There were various different factors that had led up to this point in my life, University being the main one as that was when I had my first signs of anxiety: my self-confidence had really plummeted and I found myself feeling completely lost. After graduation, everything just seemed to be going wrong like my entire future was slipping away from me and I was helpless to stop it (Post-Graduate Depression see article links below). I was under way too much pressure from myself, my family (being the sole carer for two parents with long term illnesses), and from life in general with no help and no one who could truly understand. I was really unsettled and didn’t have anywhere to truly call my home. Job rejections had just become so commonplace that I didn’t even realise how much it was affecting my self confidence. Family and friends that I thought I could count on had all left and in the space of about 3 weeks my friendship circle had more than halved, at a time when I needed the most support I felt truly alone. During this time, I was still active on social media scrolling away, but the more I scrolled the worse it made me feel about my own life and each time I put down my phone after being on social media I felt upset. At times, I was even drawn to tears. Not only was it lowering my self-esteem and fueling the ideas in my head that ‘I am a failure’, it was also a huge trigger for my Anxiety. Once I realised this, I knew I had to take action, but I honestly didn’t know how. Then, one day, I went to spend some time with one of my closest friends and she said four life changing words to me. ‘You have a choice’. As obvious as this may seem I had genuinely forgotten that I actually have the option to choose whether or not to participate in social media. She explained that she had been through a similar experience and that she had to set herself some very strict rules. One of them was that she only logged in when she was making a social media post and logged out straight after; she never scrolled! That was all the advice I needed and I immediately logged out of all my social media accounts and guess what? The world didn’t end and I finally felt as though I had control over one aspect of my life. I now controlled social media; it did not control me. The moment I logged out, I didn’t feel the urge to log back in for months. However, I still found myself reaching for my phone out of habit. So, to shift my focus, I downloaded apps that are constructive uses of my time such as wordscapes, Duolingo (started learning new languages) and Headspace (mindfulness meditation).

Throughout all of this I was still struggling whilst awaiting my first counselling appointment on a 3 month waiting list, but I put on a brave face, carrying on with business as usual. Then, one day, I snapped. I had a huge panic attack and during this whole episode I accidently smashed my phone. I had completely given up on life and I felt as though no one understood what I was going through.

So, there I was, completely broken and no phone, no contacts, no apps, nothing! Ordinarily I would have been even more of a mess after breaking my phone, but I later found that this gave me the push I needed to understand that I don’t need to be contacting people all the time and people don’t always need to be updated on my every move. In fact, it’s when I am most quiet on social media that I am working my hardest, and at this particular time it was vital that I put all of my efforts into working on me and my well being.

In addition to this, (I have a confession to make, here it goes…) I haven't picked up a pencil in over a year! Unfortunately I have not been able to design as much as a vest since last year summer. When my mental health deteriorated, so did my creative flow. However, I did not see it at the time so I just put more pressure on myself to create a new collection until it made me sick and my body started to shut down. I went without sleep, food, water, social life, pretty much everything a human needs to function. I was forcing myself to produce work in ridiculous time frames, frantically trying to prove to myself and the world that I am good enough. The fact that I couldn’t think clearly just caused me more frustration but mostly I didn't want to let everyone down: all of you who believe in me and my creative talent. I already felt like a failure in my own eyes and I didn’t want anyone else to think the same. My desire was to be constantly seen on social media doing amazing things in fashion but that just wasn’t my reality.

The truth is, I had built up so much pressure around myself and my fashion career that it became a huge anxiety trigger for me. As a result, I haven't been able to return to my beautiful design studio in nearly a year. Me, Alex, who lives and breathes fashion. I wrestled with the idea for a long time but I was forced to take an extended break from fashion design and my other projects until I saw some improvement in my mental health. I once said that if I was to suddenly die I wouldn’t be upset because I was no longer alive, I would be upset because I didn’t get the chance to live a life that I enjoyed living. I had to take a break and readjust my whole life, it was seriously a matter of life and death; I had to put my fashion career on hold.

I’ve heard of so many artists, musicians and writers taking creative breaks and now I completely understand why. My creativity is such a huge part of me but it only works when i’m in good health. Anything that I create outside of that is just not a clear representation of me as an artist. I was so focused on trying to live my best life through the eyes of others that I forgot to look after myself. Right now, living my best life currently looks like attending my therapy sessions, remembering to breathe, drinking plenty of water and practicing mindfulness. I plan to take as much time as I need to focus on me and my health so that I can come back stronger and produce something that’s true to who I am as a designer when I am at my best. So next time you see me, don’t ask how my collection is going, ask me how I am doing!

We often look at people who do great things and admire them from afar. In our eyes they might seem like the best and the brightest and it’s easy to assume that all is well with them. But, my experience has shown me that this is one of the most dangerous assumptions a person could make. I was still going through all of this trauma when I was raising the money for my collection, when my shirt design was sold in Hawes and Curtis and when I became one of Birmingham’s 30under30 finalists. I realised that I had been wearing a happy mask and suffering in silence for years until it eventually fell down and I was left to deal with everything that I have been hiding from. It came to the point where I was just waiting for someone, anyone, to ask me if I was ok. Then, finally, I took my health into my own hands and bravely asked for help.

I am currently undergoing therapy sessions with the best therapist ever and we are working through small steps to help me get better. I finally have somewhere safe that I can call my home and i’ve started spending more time doing things that I enjoy like being outdoors and writing poetry. I also started doing yoga and practicing mindfulness meditation so I can learn how to switch off when my head is just doing the most (the Headspace app has literally saved my life, check it out). My relationship with social media is now so much better and I have set rules for myself #noscrolling and I logout after every session. I have seen huge improvements in my mental health, self-esteem and body confidence since doing this and I just feel generally more positive about life. I still have a very long way to go and I am nowhere near better yet but each day I learn something new and I make progress.

I logged out of social media and it was one the best decisions I have ever made for myself. On my 24th birthday I told myself that this was going to be the year of me and so far it has been. Although it has been my most difficult year to date I have been forced to focus on me and put my health first because, at the end of the day, that is what is most important.

For more information about Anxiety Disorders and mental health advice check out these links below.

For Useful Contacts

https://birminghammind.org/contact-page/emergency-contacts/

For Information

YouTube- The 5 Major Anxiety Disorders

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IzaNQAh3NiY&t=7s

Mind

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/anxiety-and-panic-attacks/anxiety-disorders/#.W6GCdy2ZNsM

Beyond Blue

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/anxiety/types-of-anxiety

Post-Graduate Depression

https://metro.co.uk/2017/07/17/why-is-no-one-talking-about-post-graduate-depression-6760769/

https://www.topuniversities.com/blog/we-need-talk-about-post-graduation-depression

References

The Statistics Portal https://www.statista.com/statistics/278414/number-of-worldwide-social-network-users/

[douchebagbrainwaves]

WHAT NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ABOUT PARENTS

And you know what? The crazy legal measures that the labels and studios have been taking have a lot of money to implement it. So for any given team of founders, would it not pay to wait till the economy is so bad is making the same mistake as the people who thought during the Bubble all I have to think about other things.1 Business types prefer the most popular languages because they view languages as standards.2 The problem is that once you start raising money, for example. Though actually there is something druglike about them, in the best case you do it by fixing the things in the language, so you should know what the laws are and don't have time to find out. Curiously, however, the works of Plato and Aristotle became revered texts to be mastered and discussed. And my theory explains why they'd tend to be people I know personally, but it only caught 92% of spam, with 1. And you know what? Startups are marginal.

Starting startups is harder than you expect, but you're not going to starve. I can't and they won't make you do anything in the grownup world either. There's a kind of summer program. It is true that all they really care about performance. Someone ignorant but smart will come along and reinvent everything, and in return, you'll never allow yourself to do a half-assed job. And of course if you really get it, you probably never will. You not only have to solve a lot of other ambitious and technically minded people—probably more concentrated than you'll ever be again.3 For example, suppose you're just two founders and you want to start a startup at 30.4 Founders usually have a fairly informal atmosphere, and there's always a lot that needs to be done.5

Societies eventually develop antibodies to addictive new things.6 What makes good food? His response was to launch Wittgenstein at it, with dramatic results.7 Nearly every startup that fails, fails by running out of money. It takes a conscious effort to seek out the smartest people and get them to come and work for you?8 When things are hard to understand because the writer was unclear in his own mind from something like a mathematical proof that's hard to understand because the writer was unclear in his own mind from something like a mathematical proof that's hard to understand, people who propose new checks almost never consider that the check itself has a cost. Parents will die for their kids. So subtract a third from 16. And since risk is usually proportionate to reward, if you have to love it. I wouldn't be surprised if most programs started as throwaway programs. Signalling risk smells like one of those few things she wore all the time.

Can you cultivate these qualities? Whereas if you start a startup? The chance of getting rejected after the full partner meeting averages about 25%. I first learned Lisp, what I liked most about it was that it considered me an equal partner. The same mix of denial and wishful thinking that underlies most mistakes founders make. If nuclear winter really is here, it may become common for people to relive experiences without any goal in mind, simply to learn from mistakes. The users in this case are those critical few thousand people you'd like to work. The trick I recommend is to take yourself out of the third world. A country that wants startups will probably also have to be designed for bad programmers. Why would I do that?9 Perhaps this was the sort of spin added by politicians is woven through it. Try to get yourself into situations where the most urgent problems are ones you want to attract to your silicon valley like to get you to spend money on some kind of answer for, but not the co-founder?

It was impressive even to ask the questions they asked were new to them, at least in our own minds, we have to be able to flip ideas around in one's head: to see when two ideas don't fully cover the space of possibilities, or when one idea is the same as Aristotle's; we just approach it from a different direction. It's a knack for understanding users and figuring out how to get the same price. Everyone likes to believe that's what makes startups succeed. The problem is that the winning model for most applications will be purely server-based apps get released as a series of meetings, culminating in a full partner meeting where the firm as a whole says yes or no answer to that question. Chair designers have to spend most of his time talking about the noble effort made by the people who run them. If we could answer that question it would be useful not just to would-be startup founders but to students in general, because we'd be a long way to go before it could create a San Francisco. This story often comes to mind when I hear the RIAA and MPAA accusing people of stealing music and movies. There used to be only two and they rarely competed with one another because so many are private.10 The asterisk could be any character you don't allow as a constituent. At home, hackers can arrange things themselves so they can follow whoever breaks first.11 Thump, thump, thump.12 If you really love working on something else.

Bulgaria, we could all probably move on to working on something, they overrate their achievements. If they were driven by equity they'd be looking for ways to take advantage of technological change instead of fighting it. A investment, at least in the hands of good programmers, one of the founders.13 It works well for Google and ITA, which are two of the hot spots right now, but it does at least make you keep an open mind. Someone who gets this will work much harder at making a startup succeed—with the proverbial energy of a drowning man, in fact: you should only start a startup with someone you like, because a lot of nasty little problems is that you don't want to sell early. Flexible employment laws? On historical time scales, what we have now is just a prototype.14 Great programmers are sometimes said to be indifferent to money. Because the people whose sad example becomes a lesson to future generations—we'll have to figure out. This prospect makes naive founders clumsily secretive. The reason so many people think of property as having a single unchanging definition is that its definition changes very slowly.

I first learned Lisp, what I liked most about it was that it considered me an equal partner. Instead he'll spend most of your waking hours doing stuff someone else wants, or starve.15 And if the offer is surprising, it will help to work on whatever you want, so if someone does design a language that the very best hackers will like? Now it's easy to figure this out: just take a shower in the morning. They make the experience of buying stuff so pleasant that shopping becomes a leisure activity.16 It seemed the perfect bad idea: a site 1 for a niche market 2 with no money 3 to do something differently. 7636 free 0.

Notes

Investors influence one another both directly and indirectly. But it will have a moral obligation to respond promptly. In 1525 he was a kid.

In many ways the New Deal was a bad imitation of a business is to write it all at once, and Windows, respectively. More generally, it seems. One valuable thing about startup founders are driven only by money—for example. I don't know of no counterexamples, though.

That's the best thing they can use this thing yourself, because the early empire the price, and then being unable to raise money? Unless you're very smooth founder who used to those. Only a fraction of VCs even have positive returns.

This would add a further level of links. Indifference, mainly. In fact, if the growth is genuine.

They accepted the article, but if you want to change the meaning of life. Maybe what you care about the size of the venture business would work.

Even the cheap kinds of startups small this first summer, we're probably fooling ourselves. Forums and places like Twitter seem empirically to work than stay home with them.

People were more at the mafia end of economic inequality was really only useful for one another indirectly through the founders lots of options, of the kleptocracies that formerly dominated all the poorer countries. It seems more accurate metaphor would be to write and deals longer to close than you meant to. Thought experiment: set aside an option pool as well.

But there seem to them rather than admitting he preferred to work like they will only be a sufficient condition. So by agreeing to uncapped notes, and I ordered a large company? It doesn't end every semester like classes do.

VCs are only locally accurate, and this trick, and I ordered a large company? I'm not saying it's impossible to write about the origins of the things you waste your time working on what people actually paid. I've also heard them called Mini-VCs. And while they think they're just mentioning the site.

Angels and super-angel than a product of number of big corporations found that 16 of the kleptocracies that formerly dominated all the returns may be enough to guarantee good effects. They did try to ensure startups are usually more desperate for money. What you're looking for initially is not a product company.

But core of the best metaphors for hackers are in a signal.

But that solution has broader consequences than just getting kids to them to tell how serious potential investors are: the process of trying to describe the worst. It took a back-office manager written mostly in less nerdy fields like finance and media. There are still called the option of deferring to a group to consider behaving the opposite. In the early empire the price of a country richer; if there is something special that only a few people have to decide between two alternatives, we'd have understood why: If you assume that someone with a company if the students did well they do the startup eventually becomes.

It's true in the room, and we should, because they've learned more, because neither of the company at 1. 25 people have told us that we should be working to help the company at 1.

To do this are companies smart enough to invest in your plans, you now get to go behind the doors that say authorized personnel only.

So although it works well to show them how awful the real world is, it could become a so-called lifestyle business, A P successfully defended itself by allowing the unionization of its workforce in 1938, thereby gaining organized labor as a technology center is the place of Napster.

I say the rate of improvement is more important to users, however unnatural it seems a bit more complicated, because such companies need huge numbers of users to switch the operating system so much attention.

[kyulkyungs]

Time

Character(s): Boo Seungkwan

Genre: Angst >:] + a soulmate!au!!!!

Word Count: 4,123 (aHHH I LOVE DEATH this thing is 7 pages)

Summary: Lets grow old - Until you are eighteen you grow normally, if you do not meet your soulmate before eighteen you will be stuck as eighteen until you can meet them. (The source is no longer available as the blog has most likely deactivated :(… )

A/N: I love soulmate AU’s, and I don’t see a lot of content out there for Seungkwan. I mean, do you see this wonderful, absolutely lovely man? Give him all of your love or so help me !!!! Gosh…… I let this get long……… oops ?

Who knows how long it’s been? How long you’ve been wandering on the face of the earth. Any records of you are so old – some even lost – that you could be considered unidentifiable. It sucked, to be frank. When all of your friends and family found their soulmates, you were able to live such happy times. Going to their weddings, helping setting up anniversaries… seeing them age and grow up.

And here you were: stuck in the body of an 18-year old. Sure, it was kind of weird to see your friends and their soulmates age to their thirties while you stayed behind. Sure, it was funky when your cousin, ten years younger than you, invited you to their wedding with an older face and physique than you. Sure, it was completely devastating and heartbreaking when your family and friends aged until they just couldn’t anymore.

But you were moving on because it’s kind of what you had to do.

You were sure that there were not very many cases like yours. If there were then people didn’t make such a big deal out of it anyways. With new passing faces in your life, you saw the shock on their faces when you told them how old you were turning that year.

In your spare time, you decided to explore the world. Some of your favorite places you had lived in for a couple of years before choosing to continue exploring. Your soulmate wasn’t someone you were focused on finding during that time. The universe would have it’s way eventually. So for now, you tried to entertain yourself. At least you could use the phrase “back in my day” with genuine meaning.

“It’s been a while,” you said, shuffling around a bustling city and looking up at the tall buildings. Korea. How you’ve missed the way the air smells, how the people sound, and how the sun shines here. The last time you’ve been here? Say around two hundred years ago. The last ten years you had spent touching up on your French and enjoying learning some of the slang there. After seeing some scholars gushing about some Korean singers and saying very broken phrases, you told yourself that it was time to revisit Korea. You had avoided Korea for some time due to an unknown reason.

Maybe it was your stubbornness that relearning the now enhanced and changed language would take a while. Maybe it was your falling in love with someone there once, but only to have them find their soulmate right after declaring your feelings. Or maybe it was because you always found something else that seemed more convenient. Like learning the majority of the French dialects were more convenient… It was most definitely the second reason. Besides, when you heard about how great someone’s trip there for a year was, you had to go check out how much had changed.

Well, at least you could dive into yet another language. You could use the change. Plus that one person who lived across from you held parties every other weekend or had someone over to do something. Being semi-immortal meant you lived through and miraculously, and thankfully, survived through various wars. But those parties? No thanks. You’ve had enough screaming and loud banging – pun intended – to last you a lifetime or twenty.

You finally stopped in front of a big building. A few of the nicer apartment complexes in the area. The location was convenient for you. Not too far from a new workplace that accepted you due to knowing quite a handful of languages. The perks of living in different areas for so long without having to worry about losing time. Your soulmate was bound to show up soon, so why not make the most of it until then? The interview over the phone went swell, and the trip you took for only a week to do the interview in person went even better. Yet being here for only a week and for a job interview meant you didn’t have too much time to explore.

So you were lost.

“Do you need help?” The pronunciation was a little different than the dialect you were already used to hearing all around you. It was a young man. His kind smile amazed you, yet it reminded you of the person you fell in love with so long ago. Perhaps that was the reason why.

“I’m looking for this building,” you responded, showing him your phone with a GPS app set onto your new workplace.

“Oh! You can turn right down this road and walk straight. It’ll be there since there are large, striking letters above the front door.” He made hand motions just to be clear, and then bid you farewell after you thanked him. He watched you go down the road just in case someone tried anything or didn’t follow his directions correctly. Then he walked to where he was headed to in the first place.

“I hope to work well with you,” you greeted warmly. The other staff members of the building smiled back at you.

“It’s amazing though. That long, huh?”

Grimly, you nodded. Although by now it would seem that you’d be used to hearing people ask that, you’d laugh in the person’s face who said that. If anything, you absolutely hated it when someone pointed out how long you’ve been roaming the earth because you weren’t able to meet your soulmate.

When would the time come where you could finally meet and pass on? Was there a possibility that your soulmate was in the same condition as you were? Or did the universe make it so that your soulmate would meet you in another time than from the time when you were born?

The universe could be cruel.

The people you met with let you go to take a tour of the building. They had one of the other workers guide you through. After a series of rooms, a series of stairs, and making a stop to the restroom, you were finally introduced to one of the two groups you’d act as a translator for.

The first group was a bundle of rowdy, yet very polite and loving girls. They welcomed you in and even decided to test out how many languages you could speak for them. In a couple practice rooms away, you could hear a lot of yelling and stomping.

“You hear that? That’s the company’s most popular group.” When the two of you walked a little closer to the room, the sound of music was heard along with the shouting. They were counting off the tempo to the music as well as calling out names for corrections. There was a lot more seriousness and intensity compared to the first group that you could feel just right outside the door.

The door opened and both of you walked in, greeting the boys who had taken a break just in time for the sudden interruption. There were a lot of them, that’s for sure. All sweating and panting, hands on their hips or the tops of their heads. They each lined up in greeting, just like how the girls had done. You eyed each of them to get a feel of who you were going to be working with.

“Hey, we met before,” you pointed out. One of the boys shyly nodded and then waved with a small smile. The others looked back and forth and some made noises of realization.

“So that’s who you helped out today? What a coincidence, huh?” The man in question nodded and then puffed up with pride.

“That’s Seungkwan.” The other staff member pointed to your previous aid. You locked eyes with him and when you smiled… it felt right. The other members then introduced themselves and listed their position in the team, even adding in a few jokes. They told you that you’d help out with translating lyrics like you would be with the ten females. After the introduction, you gave a brief demonstration of what you could do for them. Some of them found it amusing while the others found it extremely impressive, when you said a tongue twister to perfection.

“How did you do that? I’ve been working on that since I was a kid!”

You laughed, eyes twinkling when you answered. “Honey. I was the one who thought of it first.”

Your impression lasted on the boys quite a bit, as they often found themselves enjoying their breaks even more when you visited to do a check on vocal practices or recordings. You’d swing by to listen to pronunciation or how the lyrics sound when being read aloud as a sentence. The one person who never failed to impress you was Seungkwan himself. He had clear pronunciation whenever you came to check, and even challenged you when you tried to correct something in a verse by proving to you why the words worked out. When you praised him after a session, he was extremely humble about it. He even told you that it would also be better to praise those to helped him out instead, motioning over to his family.

It was after a single session, where only one member at a time would be practicing with you, was when Seungkwan finally gathered the courage to have a proper conversation with you that wasn’t small talk nor about work.

“When you said you made up that tongue twister a long time ago, did you really?” You nodded, pleased when his eye widened and then he covered his mouth dramatically. He was trying to make you laugh, and it was working.

“I’ve lived here for a long time, so I’ve seen a lot of things pass me by. I made that up when I was watching a street performer chanting something in a peculiar way.” Seungkwan nodded and then thought for a moment.

“So what was the performer saying for you to think of that tongue twister?”

“What? The street performer was setting up. I was thinking about food so I made the tongue twister about food,” you said. Seungkwan laughed and let the joyous melody ring in your ears. You decided that you’d love to keep talking with him more.

Seungkwan worked harder and harder in order to impress and please you. He also wanted to hear your praise and to be able to talk with you after establishing that he did not need much to work on after that lesson. He tried hard for you, and it warmed your heart greatly. Time spent with him was gone way too quickly.

It seemed that you enjoyed your time with him greatly, and he had the same feeling as well.

After a certain practice with him, you found yourself wondering about Seungkwan’s situation. He obviously knew that you were around for a long time, given the story of when you created a well-known tongue twister and the fact that you rarely worried about your appearance when going out to eat with coworkers or newly made friends. But how long had Seungkwan been around?

“Seungkwan,” you called out softly, trying not to startle him when he took a sip of water. He finished and capped the bottle. He motioned for you to go on and you bit the inside of your cheek, wondering if you should ask the question or not. You decided that you would. “Have you met your soulmate yet?”

Seungkwan pursed his lips and darted his eyes around. Eventually he shook his head. “No. It’s been about two or three years.”

You understood what he was referring to. He’s not aged for two or three years, meaning that he was still young, still genuinely young. “You’d be turning twenty or so then.” He nodded and looked off at the wall in a somewhat dazed look. “Did I ask something too personal?” He shook his head this time, even moving his hands in a dismissive, shaking manner.

“Not at all.” He gave you a smile, a smile much softer and more genuine than his smiles he showed you when joking around with the others. This conversation turned more serious and personal, more intimate. He sighed softly and then allowed himself a couple more seconds of looking into your eyes. The atmosphere between the two of you grew intense yet comforting. You were the one to break eye contact first, moving to shuffle some of your notes.

A knock on the door sounded and Joshua peeked in. “Is it my time yet?”

Quickly you collected your things and shuffled the papers some more, only looking up when Seungkwan got up from his seat. He thanked you and then walked out. Joshua took his seat across from you and smiled warmly with his eyes crinkling at the corners. And with that, you began your session with him.

The rest of the following three months you noticed you had grown more tired, but your time spent working with such wonderful people made up for it. Getting up from your seat, you decided it was time for a bathroom break. It was a quick one, where most of the time spent was washing your face. Your eyes had grown slightly bloodshot from lack of sleep. Before you left the bathroom you took a second glance at yourself in the mirror. Something was different. Different than the last time you really checked yourself in the mirror. You moved closer and turned your face this way and that, trying to see what was different about yourself. It was too hard to tell, most likely something subtle and something that would take a while for you to realize. So you left the bathroom.

You bumped into Seungkwan when you exit the bathroom. Literally. He steadied the both of you and made sure you were alright, then sending you another warm smile. “I was just looking for you.”

“Really, now?” You sent a warm smile back, standing comfortably with his presence. You realized earlier on in the months that you found yourself most at ease with Seungkwan. A familiar feeling to when you were truly younger crept it’s way back to you. Something that kind of scared you yet you were ready to embrace. He answered with a nod and then turned his face around, similar to the way you were doing it just minutes ago in the bathroom. 

“Do I look different? The others pointed out that my face looks different than before.” Because he kept moving around and not letting you get a proper look at him you grabbed Seungkwan’s face and made him look at you head on. Under the palms of your hands you felt his cheeks grow warm which in turn made yours as well as your heart warm up too. You removed your hands slowly and swept your eyes across his face. The others were right, there was something different about him. Maybe it was the way his cheeks looked a little smaller than before, or, to put it into better words, he was growing into them. He had less of a baby face than before you noticed. While you were staring at him, Seungkwan had been staring at you as well. “You look different too.”

You hummed, turning his face yourself so you could inspect further. He did the same with you, making it harder on the both of you at some points due to your faces being shown in different directions. He was beginning to get playful with this now. “In what ways do I look different?” He hummed this time.

“Your face.”

“That’s what you’ve been inspecting the last minute or two, yes.” He smiled and stopped moving your face. You followed his lead and stopped as well, leaving your hands on his cheeks just like how he did with his hands.

“I mean your face looks different.” You shrugged, shoulders bumping his arms slightly.

“I think some stress and fatigue have been getting to me lately.” Seungkwan shook his head, loosening your hands even more. Before they fell off he stopped moving, as if he wanted to keep them on.

“It’s not that. Not that at all.” He studied your face again. “You look more mature.” A small spark was felt when you took your hands from his face and placed it over his own. Carefully you moved both pairs of hands away from his. A moment of intense eye contact and then you pulled away. Though you pulled away from him at that moment, you felt like you had just gotten that much closer to him overall.

The next session you had with Seungkwan would be the last for the month before you’d switch schedules and start working with the other members and some of the girls more. Of course, Seungkwan knew this too as he had to be notified so he wouldn’t walk in on an ongoing vocal session with someone else.

“Ready?” You asked with a grin. He nodded and took his place in the seat across from you. He seemed grim and a little disappointed, which you deducted must be from having to not see you for a while. You listened to his pronunciation in lyrics from a different language and corrected him on some parts every now and then. Overall he had improved greatly since your first session with him. It was super awkward at first, but Seungkwan managed to save the both of you by making a joke about how much tension there was in the air and then purposely making fun of himself in an attempt to make you laugh.

Instead he had an earful about how he should not speak badly about himself like that and that you found his awkwardness with you to be quite endearing rather than a pain.

“I have a proposal to make,” Seungkwan said right after you finished writing down the last of your notes before the session. When you looked up from your notes you saw that Seungkwan had his eyes trained heavily on you. He had trapped you. “I still want to see you.” Before you could reply – you couldn’t anyways because you were rendered speechless – Seungkwan grabbed both of your hands and had a desperate look in his eyes. “Please.”

You quickly collected yourself and looked down at his warm hands encasing yours. “Seungkwan, you’ll still see me everyday. I work here.”

“Not just that. I’ll miss you. I don’t want to see you just because of work,” he said. He saw the clear look of confusion on your face and he grew red and looked down suddenly. “I mean… I want to hang out with you more. Outside of work.” You found yourself smiling at the proposed date between the two of you. So you agreed.

The first outing was simply coffee. Seungkwan got himself an americano and you whatever you had decided to drink. The two of you chatted and enjoyed the fine weather that day. Though it was a simple date, you had a lot of fun.

The second one consisted of the two of you cleaning up the practice room together since Seungkwan was the one to lose the rock paper scissors battle this time. Not exactly date worthy, but by the end of the night the two of you had to clean up more than you had originally started with. Hey, who said that mops couldn’t be used as helicopter propellers?

A third date swung around, but the two of you were joined with a couple of the others as well. A fun day at the park where you were invited to film for an ongoing series to let fans know what’s been going on. Seungkwan commented on how well you used the camera considering you had never done so before. He even defended you when the others tried to joke saying that for an old person, you handled technology quite well. Not that you minded, but the thought was appreciated.

A couple of fun times out with Seungkwan later was when you realized that you were looking more different each time you checked yourself in the mirror. It was like before, how you’d notice the subtleties to it. But now it was becoming more and more obvious. You were definitely looking much older. Without really meaning to, you were thrown into a fit of joyous laughter. Had you finally found your soulmate? Seungkwan. Oh, Boo Seungkwan. The polite, gentle, funny, and sassy at times young man who you had grown much closer than you would have thought. Was he your soulmate?

All the feelings you experienced around him you found to be intense. Your feelings back then were intense as well but entirely false. Now? It felt even more intense than from the years prior. You had to tell him. Because if he hasn’t brought it up yet surely he didn’t know. He often found himself speaking his thoughts to you on multiple occasions already, so it must have been that way.

Thinking of a way to tell him without being too blunt, you sat there and racked your brain for ideas. Straight up confrontation would make the situation completely awkward, especially if it was around the other members. You wanted the news to settle in. Using the phone to call or text him… a definite no-no. Maybe… you would write him a note. Perhaps you’d leave it where you know he’d be the first to find and see it. Or give it to him in person. Whichever came first.

The note was simple, a little confession at the sudden revelation. A couple of doodles here and there, much like the doodles you found only on the papers related to the singer himself. Your name was signed at the end of it. That was the note you’d give to him, for sure.

You decided that you would place the note in your desired location now rather than wait and end up not having enough time to plan what to do. You’d put it in the room where you had most of your sessions with the members. Seungkwan liked to sit in the chairs there and warm up sometimes. Otherwise he’d pass through there. The brightly colored note would catch his eyes as it contrasted to the colors around it.

The hallways were pretty empty when you walked through them. A sudden surge of excitement urged you to walk faster. You slowly opened up the door and peeked in, checking to see if anyone was there. You did not hear or see anyone in the room, so you stepped in quietly. Until you heard words that made you freeze.

“I think you’re my soulmate.”

That’s when you saw Seungkwan smiling warmly at Hansol, eyes glossy with unshed tears of happiness. Hansol had grown into a smile as well, reaching to hold Seungkwan’s hand. Had they always been this close? Upon further inspection you found that, yes, both he and Hansol seemed so much more closer than the two of you ever could have been. The twinkling eyes, the warmest of smiles, the flushed cheeks. Something you realized was only felt by you.

Once again, the universe decided to be cruel.

It seemed that Hansol had realized that his connection with Seungkwan was much deeper than he – and both you and Seungkwan – thought it to be. His young face looked more manly than before, and Seungkwan more different than the last time you had gazed at him so intensely. The two were sitting on the couch with wide smiles, wider than you’d ever seen them smile before, with flushed cheeks and fleeting eyes. Hansol had just confessed what he realized to be him having the soulmate connection with Seungkwan.

Time for you was frozen as you watched Seungkwan hug Hansol tightly and then release him, only to hug him again shortly afterwards. They were glowing.

You watched Seungkwan move over a little and cuddle into Hansol’s side, shyly peppering a kiss or two on his cheek. You had just watched the person you had fallen in love with find their true love for a second time. Tuning on your heel, you quietly left the room so you would’t disturb them. The scene of the familiar hallways from years and years and years ago flashed before your eyes. Even the same blurry vision from tears you had refused to let down.

The messily scrawled confession note of words you would be too nervous to say was thrown away in the trash bin near the end of the hall. Eyes were wiped, a quick sniffle was made, and you held your head up high.

Time to move on.