#aster ki bullshit

[asterinunfathomed]

Please the least they can do is give us all free therapy because I am sure as hell gonna need it

[asterinunfathomed]

Dude my maths notebook in school was red. Throughout middle school up until 10th grade. They would switch up other colours, but maths was always red and english was always blue.

math is RED. math is NOT green. literally WHAT are you guys talking about

[asterinunfathomed]

Rant time:

I am scared. Out of my mind scared. Like I'm gonna cry at any moment scared.

I know we keep complaining about our education system every second day, but honestly what the fuck.

We were told all along tenth ke marks don't matter, and that 11th is not as important. And then they're using these marks to see if I get into a college or not. I am not complaning about the system of marking this year, as weird as that is. I am complaining about how fucking unfair college admissions are this year.

A prestigious college in Mumbai just released their cutoff and its frikking 99.17!

The problem is that my marks aren't even that bad. I got satisfactory enough marks, and I shouldn't be this worried about getting a college. This is not supposed to be as stressful as it is.

I know this is not the end of the world and that eventually some college will lower their cutoffs enough to get me in, but right now I am so so scared.

[asterinunfathomed]

OKAY I have a rant.

So about 2-3 years ago, I got really interested in all those study and productivity videos on YouTube. Because they make it so aesthetic and so appealing to have the utmost productivity and have goals that you work towards, I wanted to try it all too. I even made a Studyblr. If you are here, you already probably know that.

I fell into this trap of wanting to wake up early, have a healthy breakfast, go for a walk, meditate, then sit down to do my work, to plan my day and work according to my plan.

But it was very difficult to actually have that life that Studytubers have. You see, most of these people lived alone, whether in an apartment of their own or in college/uni. They lived their life according to their whims and fancies, they did what they wanted to do at any given point of time. Their life was entirely in their hands, they lived for their own selves.

I lived at home (of course, I was still in school). I could not eat what I wanted whenever I wanted, because my mother is not my personal maid to be doing things as I wish. I could not go outside to walk in a park, because unfortunately I don't live near one and my parents were never gonna allow me to just be walking on the streets of Delhi. I could not plan my day and then follow through with that plan entirely, because something or the other always came up- some guest showed up, dad needed help, mom needed help, my sister needed help, somebody needed the room that I study in for other purposes. And everytime my plan was disrupted, I would get more and more frustrated. (Of course, I had never shared my plan with my family so its not their fault for asking me to do something when they don't know that in my head I have decided that I will be doing something else at that point.)

It took me quite a while to realise what the problem here was. All those people on YouTube were living either in America or Europe. Those are all individualistic cultures. For anybody who doesn't know, individualistic cultures are those where the self is seen as more important than the society/community. I live in India, and like most Asian nations, we are also a collectivistic culture, which means we give more importance to the society than the self. This brings about various major changes. I will give you an example from Psychology because I just studied it. In a research it was found that Japanese and American students associated different circumstances with a general positive state. While the American students allocated the cause of their positive feeling to something individual and socially-disengaged, for example pride in their achievements, the Japanese students linked it with a friendly and socially engaged feeling.

Point is, it took me some time to understand that I don't live in a culture that values a life lived only for yourself. And to be honest, I don't even want to live that life. My life is not entirely my own, to be lived only and only for myself. I live for the people around me- my parents, my sister, my friends. I cannot expect people to to leave me be 100% of the time, especially not when I literally live at home with three other people. I cannot always be "I, Me, Myself" when there are people around me who will be affected by my actions and behaviours.

And my attraction towards that specific lifestyle was ruining my relationship with my family and my own mood and mental health, because I came to see my family as a burden and something that suffocates me and hinders my growth, without understanding that the people who I was aspiring to be are leading a very different life from mine.

I know I might be coming off as complimenting individualistic cultures, but I am not. Trust me, the idea of being so focused on yourself that your entire life revolves only around you is so bizarre to me. The idea that people will value anything above their families is so alien to me. I live for the people around me willingly, and I do not want to adopt a way of life that will devalue the people I love and care about.

The point of all this is that I am still trying to tell myself that it is okay if I don't have a morning routine and drink smoothies and have a pre-planned timetable. I don't have to punish myself for not being able to do all of that, or blame my family for it. It's not either one or the other. Just because other people are following a certain lifestyle doesn't mean it is going to fit into the way I live as well. It is okay that the people around me need my help sometimes, I am more than honoured to do it. And it is okay if my mother calls me for dinner when I am in the middle of an intense study session. I can explain it to her without having to make it a big deal and cry to myself in my journal. It is a small journey of accepting my life as being good and satisfactory instead of aspiring for something that has only ever given me trouble.

Idk if this is a reminder or a rant or a lesson or a story, but if you read till the end. Wow.

I downloaded Tumblr only because I wanted to say this but I didn't know where to say it, so now imma go back to studying. Bye.

[asterinunfathomed]

To-do list for tomorrow

[asterinunfathomed]

Hi its me back again :)

I gave two entrance exams for this university that I really want to get into, so fingers crossed they'll take me in. Other than that, I don't have any hopes from the colleges that are taking merit-based admissions, because I can't reach the cutoffs that they're gonna come out with.

If I don't get into this university, I will probably have to study something other than Psychology, and I am just not ready. My parents think its alright but like...this is what I want a career in! And yeah so I'm not sure what I want to do as a profession and if I'll even stick to Psychology or deviate from it, but for now its my only passion. I can't imagine NOT getting to study psychology at all. Its so scary.

Add to it the fact that my friends have already started with their colleges, and I'm not even sure if I'll get in somewhere. Oof.

Anyways here's a picture from my study sessions last week.

I also met a friend after a looooong time and it was very fun. Plus I bought myself a new diary to write in. :) Fun times!

[asterinunfathomed]

I have this app called 21 days which gives you a challenge for 21 days so I'm thinking of starting the study challenge and maybe I can use that to post on here because otherwise we all know I can't stay committed

[asterinunfathomed]

To the 2020 me who started a studyblr and posted all posts without any tags and got like 1 note on each of them...girl I love you but you couldn't be that stupid c'mon😭

[asterinunfathomed]

Ok no I move my hands because its somehow linked to my speech, and basically keeps all the extra adrenaline/arousal from social anxiety away from everywhere else and into my arms. If I stop moving them, I becoming acutely conscious and lose my train of thought and start stuttering.

Desis move their hands while speaking and think it gives them a personality.

[asterinunfathomed]

I am tired of reading classics to act smart and feel some sort of self esteem. I want reading percy jackson and harry potter and agatha christie and john green to be seen as normal please.

[asterinunfathomed]

Started reading Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde but I already know they are the same person. How do I delete my memory?

[asterinunfathomed]

Why is it always about "you go girl" and never "we go girls"?

[asterinunfathomed]

Man yesss you put into words everything I'd been feeling since the past two days. I don't want the exams postponed but I also don't want to go when the cases are rising at this rate but I also want fair and proper exams.

Plus I don't even know how I'm get into a college. If colleges suddenly decide to take entrances, well none of us are mentally ready for it.

okay DESI CBSE KIDS ASSEMBLE especially those giving boards exams, PLEASE tell me if I'm the only one who literally has no fucking motivation left to study anything or are we all on the same boat? I've been a pretty studious person my entire life but all the uncertainty around the exams and the fucked up number of cases in our country is giving me so much anxiety. while the thought of going to give the exams is scary, unjust internal marking and assessment is also kinda scary and the thought of postponement and dragging this whole thing on is the scariest. in conclusion I do not know what I want, all I know is I want this to be over .

[asterinunfathomed]

I've forgotten how to study and I need to learn it again because entrances in 2 weeks and I don't know shit

[asterinunfathomed]

@muslim students, please tell me how you're managing your studies in ramadan. Especially the ones in 10th/12th waiting for boards. I dont know how to study as to retain maximum information as well as energy and spend proper time on it without cutting time out from my ibadah. This is a public inquiry please send help.

[asterinunfathomed]

Soooo, I have 201 followers. 201!

All of you consciously decided to follow me? (seriously why what's wrong with everyone?)

But thank you so much on joining me in my journey with academics. It hasn't been fun and I've been at a standstill since almost a month, but I can't be more grateful for the motivation boost I get when people decide to interact with my posts. Gives me the validation I shouldn't be seeking but do.

And I've made some friends here that I'm thankful for. We haven't met, we don't talk everyday, but I love talking to you people and you mean a lot to me. :') Here's a hug

I still wanna do an ask game although I'm not sure if anyone is interested. Tell me if you are?