#as you can see i cope this being sad by excessive reading

[libraryleopard]

August reads

Mistress of Lies by K.M. Enright

Howl’s Moving Castle by Diana Wynne Jones

Under a Dancing Star by Laura Wood

Covenant vol. 1 by Lysandra Vuong

Swift River by Essie Chambers

When Among Crows by Veronica Roth

When the Tiger Came Down the Mountain by Nghi Vo

Don’t Let It Break Your Heart by Maggie Horne

Midnight Rooms by Donyae Coles 

Dragonfall by L.R. Lam

Outlawed by Anna North

Into the Riverlands by Nghi Vo

Don’t Be a Drag by Skye Quinlan

Horror Movie by Paul Tremblayy

The Swifts: A Gallery of Rogues by Beth Lincoln

Four Squares by Bobby Finger

Let’s Go Let’s Go Let’s Go: Stories by Cleo Qian

Gentlemen of the Road by Michael Chabon

Bury Your Gays by Chuck Tingle

A Short History of Trans Misogyny by Jules Gill-Peterson

Heed the Hollow by Malcolm Tariq

What Does Israel Fear From Palestine? by Raja Shehadeh

Division Bells by Iona Datt Sharma

Mammoths at the Gates by Nghi Vo

Consolation Songs edited by Iona Datt Sharma

Goldenrod by Maggie Smith

Don’t Let the Forest In by C.G. Drews

Something to be Proud Of by Anna Zoe Quirke

A Hundred Lovers by Richie Hofmann

Flamer by Mike Curato

Ask the Brindled: Poems by No’u Revilla

Miss Major Speaks: Conversations with a Black Trans Revolutionary by Toshio Meronek and Miss Major

Social Queue by Kay Kerr

Sing for the Coming of the Longest Night by Iona Datt Sharma and Katherine Fabian*

St. Martin's Press title (is there still a social media boycott on this publisher?)

[borderlinebrunetteblog]

On a bad day with BPD....

I might repeatedly call or text you if you don’t respond quickly, fearing you’re abandoning me.

One day, I might think you’re the best person ever, and the next, I might feel like you’ve let me down completely.

I often feel unsure about who I am, like I change my opinions and goals frequently without knowing why.

I might impulsively spend money I don’t have or engage in risky behavior, like driving recklessly, drug use, or casual sex.

I might threaten to harm myself or engage in drug use as a way to cope.

My mood can swing from feeling extremely happy to deeply sad within a matter of minutes.

I often feel like there’s a void inside me, no matter how much I try to fill it with activities or relationships.

I might get incredibly angry over small issues and have trouble calming down, leading to outbursts or arguments or an "episode" of violent anger.

I might start to doubt your intentions or feel detached from reality, like I'm not fully present.

I might become overly clingy, needing constant physical presence or validation from you, and feeling abandoned if you have other commitments.

I can get fixated on small details and overanalyze your words and actions, reading negative meanings into neutral statements.

If I feel slighted, I might withdraw completely, ignoring you as a way to protect myself from perceived rejection.

I might compare myself to others and feel intensely inadequate, leading to sudden mood drops.

I might try to test your loyalty, creating scenarios or conflict to see if you'll stick around, which can be exhausting for both of us.

I might make grand plans for the future with you, only to back out later because I feel overwhelmed or uncertain.

If I sense any criticism, even constructive, I might react defensively or shut down, feeling deeply hurt and misunderstood.

I might have fleeting but intense thoughts that you’re plotting against me or don’t have my best interests at heart.

If you don't answer a text or call right away, I might start to feel a physical ache in my chest and assume the worst and think you're ignoring or leaving me.

When you eventually reply, I might react with a mix of relief and anger, questioning why you took so long and fearing you didn’t want to talk to me in the first place.

If I see you smiling or laughing with someone else, I might feel an intense pang of jealousy and sadness, thinking I’m being replaced or that you find others more enjoyable to be around.

I might become excessively accommodating, going out of my way to please you or meet your needs, even at the expense of my own well-being; this can lead to me feeling unappreciated or taken advantage of if my efforts aren’t reciprocated.

During arguments, I might say hurtful things or bring up past grievances, not because I truly feel that way, but because I’m trying to protect myself from feeling vulnerable or rejected.

I might push you away deliberately, testing your commitment to see if you’ll come back, to see if you will abandon me.

If I feel overwhelmed by my emotions, I might isolate myself, avoiding interaction because I’m afraid of how I might react or how you’ll perceive me.

I might withdraw all affection and become distant, leaving you confused about where you stand with me.

I might need constant reassurance about your feelings for me, repeatedly asking if you still care or if I’m still important to you.

But...

On a good day with BPD...

I offer a level of empathy that feels exceptionally deep, picking up on people's emotions with remarkable sensitivity and providing comfort in a way that feels very personal.

My gestures of affection can be more passionate than usual, with grand, thoughtful acts that show just how much I care.

You'll also see my enthusiasm for activities become very contagious, turning even ordinary moments into something special and exciting.

My creativity will come to the forefront, leading to spontaneous and inventive ideas that make time together memorable.

I will be highly engaged in our conversations, sharing deep insights that connect with your experiences.

Celebrating your successes will likely become a big event for me, as I express genuine joy and pride in your achievements.

My emotional highs can drive me to take on new projects or plan events with a lot of energy and commitment.

my heightened emotional responsiveness equips me with unique problem-solving abilities.

I approach challenges with a deep understanding of your needs, offering intuitive and effective solutions that address your concerns in a meaningful way.

and I'm not crazy...

and I deserve to be loved.

[gminervous]

On a bad day with BPD....

I might repeatedly call or text you if you don’t respond quickly, fearing you’re abandoning me.

One day, I might think you’re the best person ever, and the next, I might feel like you’ve let me down completely.

I often feel unsure about who I am, like I change my opinions and goals frequently without knowing why.

I might impulsively spend money I don’t have or engage in risky behavior, like driving recklessly, drug use, or casual sex.

When I feel overwhelmed, I might threaten to harm myself or engage in drug use as a way to cope.

My mood can swing from feeling extremely happy to deeply sad within a matter of minutes.

I often feel like there’s a void inside me, no matter how much I try to fill it with activities or relationships.

I might get incredibly angry over small issues and have trouble calming down, leading to outbursts or arguments or an "episode" of violent anger.

I might start to doubt your intentions or feel detached from reality, like I'm not fully present.

I might become overly clingy, needing constant physical presence or validation from you, and feeling abandoned if you have other commitments.

I can get fixated on small details and overanalyze your words and actions, reading negative meanings into neutral statements.

If I feel slighted, I might withdraw completely, ignoring you as a way to protect myself from perceived rejection.

I might compare myself to others and feel intensely inadequate, leading to sudden mood drops.

I might try to test your loyalty, creating scenarios or conflict to see if you'll stick around, which can be exhausting for both of us.

I might make grand plans for the future with you, only to back out later because I feel overwhelmed or uncertain.

If I sense any criticism, even constructive, I might react defensively or shut down, feeling deeply hurt and misunderstood.

I might have fleeting but intense thoughts that you’re plotting against me or don’t have my best interests at heart.

If you don't answer a text or call right away, I might start to feel a physical ache in my chest and assume the worst and think you're ignoring or leaving me.

When you eventually reply, I might react with a mix of relief and anger, questioning why you took so long and fearing you didn’t want to talk to me in the first place.

If I see you smiling or laughing with someone else, I might feel an intense pang of jealousy and sadness, thinking I’m being replaced or that you find others more enjoyable to be around.

I might become excessively accommodating, going out of my way to please you or meet your needs, even at the expense of my own well-being; this can lead to me feeling unappreciated or taken advantage of if my efforts aren’t reciprocated.

During arguments, I might say hurtful things or bring up past grievances, not because I truly feel that way, but because I’m trying to protect myself from feeling vulnerable or rejected.

I might push you away deliberately, testing your commitment to see if you’ll come back, to see if you will abandon me.

If I feel overwhelmed by my emotions, I might isolate myself, avoiding interaction because I’m afraid of how I might react or how you’ll perceive me.

I might withdraw all affection and become distant, leaving you confused about where you stand with me.

I might need constant reassurance about your feelings for me, repeatedly asking if you still care or if I’m still important to you.

But....

On a good day...

I offer a level of empathy that feels exceptionally deep, picking up on people's emotions with remarkable sensitivity and providing comfort in a way that feels very personal.

My gestures of affection can be more passionate than usual, with grand, thoughtful acts that show just how much I care.

You'll also see my enthusiasm for activities become very contagious, turning even ordinary moments into something special and exciting.

My creativity will come to the forefront, leading to spontaneous and inventive ideas that make time together memorable.

I will be highly engaged in our conversations, sharing deep insights that connect with your experiences.

Celebrating your successes will likely become a big event for me, as I express genuine joy and pride in your achievements.

My emotional highs can drive me to take on new projects or plan events with a lot of energy and commitment.

my heightened emotional responsiveness equips me with unique problem-solving abilities.

I approach challenges with a deep understanding of your needs, offering intuitive and effective solutions that address your concerns in a meaningful way.

and I'm not crazy...

and I deserve to be loved.

[disciplinedselfrya]

Music

I think one of the most underrated topics when it comes to self-improvement is music. I mean it. No one really talks about it. And not in the “listen to classical/jazz music, go to the opera, become a cultured individual” way. In the “stop listening to music all the time” way.

And before jumping at conclusions, hear me out.

I am and I’ve always been a fan of music. I don’t have a type - I listen to everything that I like. I had so many phases - Taylor Swift, Ariana Grande, Justin Bieber, kpop, depressive music (let’s keep it a secret ok). You name it, I’ve been there.

For about two years, I listened to music nonstop. Not in the “music is my life” way, but in the “let’s open spotify while I’m getting dressed up” kind of way. I was listening to music in the morning, after I woke up. I was listening while I was doing homework, while I was getting ready, while I was eating. All the time. And I liked it - it’s not like I was scrolling, right?

I only noticed everything two weeks ago, when I was in an awful mental state. I was feeling like the pressure was too much, like the world was too much. I couldn’t hear my thoughts. Why? Partly because of the music that I was listening to.

Music blocks the outside noise. It is an escaping mechanism, much like social media or watching series. It makes you numb, or happy, or sad, according to the lyrics and the beat. In the end, music is content.

Let’s get back to the story. After that, I decided to search about the effect music (with lyrics, especially) has on people, and here, loves, is what I discovered:

Dopamine Desensitization: Excessive listening to highly stimulating music can lead to dopamine over-release, causing temporary pleasure desensitization, where one needs more intense stimuli to feel pleasure. Eventually, you may find it harder to feel good without intense music. Over time, this can feel almost addictive.

Dependency on Music: As many people do (and I am no exception), you might be tempted to use music as a coping mechanism, a way to escape the reality or regulate your stress levels. Over the time, though, this dependency may hinder emotional self-regulation and negatively impact your mental resilience.

False Cure for Loneliness: Listening to music is often perceived as a “cure” for loneliness. You’ve probably experienced it. Songs are relatable - they talk about love, family, trauma and all that - and this the reason for the overconsumption. And loneliness, as we know, is the no. 1 cause of depression and mental illnesses. The thing is, which I hope you are aware of, the only cure for loneliness is meeting other people, socializing. Music makes you think everything is getting better. Well, no. Everything is getting worse.

Mood Manipulation: As well as music boosts your mood…it can always take it down. Let’s say you got a bad grade. You listen to depressive music. It feels good for a moment, right? Your feelings are validated. But then the trauma and the mommy issues come to light and that bad grade leads a feeling tsunami. Music won’t let you live in the present. Wake up, love.

Internalizing Negative Messages: As a note to no. 4, humans tend to mimic everything they see and understand. So when a song is telling you that no one will miss you when you’re gone or some other bs, you believe it, huh? Because you are human. You’ve heard of the subconscious mind - find some other posts about it and read (I don’t have any, but there are plenty on tumblr - you can even find articles so dive in).

Overstimulation. Your brain is fried. Why, love, why? You need music 24/7? No, what you need is a walk in the nature and a therapy session, not living in a world inside of your head. When you can’t hear your thoughts and all you can hear are the lyrics…it’s time to stop. Please.

Note: by any means, I am not telling you to quit listening to music. What I want you to understand is that you have to live the present and be aware of your own feelings, without being influences by the break-up song of whatever singer. What I did after I noticed all this: I switched to classical music. It rebuilt my focus, it helps me stay calm and relieve stress and I don’t have to deal with the drama. Now, feel free to choose your own path. Or even keep listening to music if you think you can manage it - but stay present. I’m telling you once again.

I hope this helps! Rya

[coff-in]

thank you so much for doing my request!! if you’re comfy with a pt 2 I’d love to read it!! seeing reader cope with becoming a parent and how reader copes with getting raped by andrew … how the dynamic at home changes, andrew as a daddy and ashley as a aunt!! does andrew force reader to marry him? <3 if ur not comfy w doing it as a req then maybe ramble or do it in any other form like a hc! thank youuu 🥹🤍

notes from coff-in: it's past midnight right now where i am (as it it's closer to 1:00am) but i need to write. this is definitely a ramble but thank you for clarifying that i could do that! writing properly for ficlets and headcanons take a bit out of me but i want go give you guys the best that i got, you know? sorry, sorry... on to your ask!

[fem] reader-insert, [afab] reader-insert(?), NSFW, rape, talks/mentions of pregnancy and abortion, incest in the last bits but it's skippable really

the biggest thing that i wonder about is how [reader] met andrew and ashley. how long have they'd known each other? were they quarantined together (was [reader] quarantined at all)? i think i'll leave it up to the reader's interpretation/imagination but these things feel like they should impact the story, you know? um... [reader] doesn't really take to being a mother too well. she doesn't want to be a mother, so it makes sense. ashley wouldn't let her get rid of the child, either. she doesn't like [reader] all that much but she does try to recognize potential opportunities to keep andrew close in this... situation.

the last thing a parent wants to do is to make their child sad. if ashley could get close enough to andrew's child (she'd love the child ofc, it's an extension of her brother) then she could keep andrew close to her, too. any separation of them would also affect the child and until it's born who knows how that can go. ashley doesn't like [reader] all that much. she could come to like [reader], but when i was writing the original piece i sort of didn't write it with ashely in mind... so any relationship they build would be after the rape event.

andrew. andrew andrew andrew. he... he wants the child. it's possibly a new chance for him to have a new life. not necessarily an ordinary life (years of sexual tension between him and his sister build up somehow to him raping a women they sorta kidnap/escaped with from an apartment after demon summoning, murder, and cannibalism) but it could be considered close enough if you squint and tilt your head. again, when writing the original piece i didn't really write with andrew and [reader]'s deeper relationship in mind, just the surface level stuff

andrew has come to care for [reader] to some extent, and the child makes him try to enforce that bond and relationship. he would reflect on his own parents and their parenting and how he raised ashley when it comes to his baby. trying to figure what to avoid (i think putting in the effort would be way better than what his parents did, though. it's not even a battle). he gets touchy feely with [reader]; sleeping in the same bed, holding their hand or resting it on their hip, brushing her hair, etc etc some of the stiff we've seen with ashley. i think he'd also talk to the baby bump, too.

[reader] isn't expected to kill people anymore or to do excessive physical labor. i don't think she takes part in the cannibalism as much either. i'm kinda leaving her vague because i want you guys to really just imprint on [reader] i guess when it comes to this situation. andrew would be a fairly good dad though. uh... sort of dozed off a bit trying to think about him as a dad. he would be way more attentive that his own parents, that's for sure. he's the voice of reason along with [reader] (ashley is that "cool aunt" that the kid loves), but andrew is also still a bit of a doormat or pushover. he can't stay too mad at this kids.

do i think andrew would force [reader] to marry him? maybe. it would probably be good for taxes and other legal documents but i don't know if he'd put such a high value on marriage. i think he'd like the intertwining aspect of it, the legal binding it brings. i doubt ashely would enjoy this but it's also dependent on your relationship.

mixing this idea with incest ideas because i can't help myself right now, fell free to skip this: andrew and a sibling [reader]. especially a younger one. i don't know but i kind of enjoy the idea of him during quarantine (or right after) just... losing control one night. it's not violent or loud or out of hate; it's quiet and gentle and out of frustration. he takes his younger baby sibling while they're sleeping as a way to just let it all out. the tension and stress and repression of his feelings for them... he just lets them go. ashley's dead asleep and so is [reader], as ling as he's quiet there are no immediate consequences to this action. he raised [reader] since they were a fucking baby and what a wonderful adult they had turned out to be (as wonderful as a graves could be).

aaaaahhh, i'm tired. sorry for the weird sleepy rant response. i feel like i should mention again: i have never been raped nor do i know friends or people personally who have been raped. i haven't really read anything scholarly about it so take all i say with a grain of salt and an open mind. thank you for requesting, 'nonnie. i love it when people ask for expansions or explanations in previous posts (reminds me of devious anon, i miss them)

anyway my eye saight is losing focus so i'll end it here. good day/night/evening whatever you are

----

coff-in

[behindscenes-identity]

(TW: Discussion of Suicide, SH, Substance Abuse, and other related topics.)

Ten Important Signs of Suicide to Look out for as Someone who's Lived Through Suicidal Close Friends and Family:

1. Giving away gifts/belongings. Many who are going to commit may hope to give keepsakes or hope that others will take care of their stuff, or perhaps an apology gift for what comes next, and this can happen regardless of gift value.

2. Pushing others away in sadness or anger. Many, to ease the guilt, will push loved ones away and begin to act distant to ease the burden before taking their lives; some may feel that severing ties makes committing easier in general.

3. Substance abuse, such as drugs or alcohol. Many who are struggling may turn to drugs are alcohol to cope, though some may use it in hopes to purposely overdose, others may use it as a form of escapism to make the act easier.

4. Not discussing their future. In my experience, before one of my close friends attempted I noticed whenever I spoke of a future with him, he was avoidant, refusing to give straightforward answers, or when talking about the future himself, he didn't focus upon himself or include himself in the picture.

5. They seem to "get better". Many people on the verge of suicide will begin to retract common signs of depression, such as cleaning their room, grooming themselves well, doing chores, being more helpful, and overall more joyous; they may do this as they have finally decided on committing and have a spark of happiness due to finally being able to escape.

6. Self-Harm. Self-Harm, abbreviated often as SH, can come in many shapes in forms, such as minorly poisoning one self, cutting, burning, scratching, making pets scratch/bite, and many more. Not everyone who self-harms is suicidal, and not everyone who is suicidal self-harms, but the two do often overlap.

7. They lose their passion. Whether art, music, writing, sports, anything really, a person who is suicidal may lose interest in their passions and dreams as they may feel a sense that their death is now inevitable and do not seek to continue their passions, or procrastinate heavily.

8. Opposite to #7, they begin to overwork themselves in their passions. Suicidal people may feel an urge to get things done and feel a sense of accomplishment before they leave the earth and can overwork themselves or get completely absorbed in their work for escapism.

9. Talking about death or being a burden. Whether jokingly or not, they may begin to excessively mention these topics in conversation, which can often be an omen to their later actions.

10. Reckless actions. They may drive faster, take more risks they'd never do before, eat more or less, and experience either insomia or excessive sleeping. Many sleep or eat to escape, and others simply can't as their mental state begins to worsen.

Now, if I missed anything, let me know. I have experienced suicidal ideation and actions myself, but I neglected to mention this at the beginning; I made this for all my friends and my family who feel these ways and have shown them, and I want you to know, you're seen. To any stranger out there reading this, I see you too, even if we don't know eachother, you are heard, and you are not alone. Stay safe out there, and remember, not everyone who shows these traits is suicidal, as some are signs of mental illness/mental health, but it takes nothing to lend an ear or a hand. ❤️

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #227

Do you ever worry about your future? (i.e.: college, marriage, kids, etc) I... worry a lot about this, and right now is not the time to me to expand upon this. I've been having a lot of anxiety (including actual attacks) over my future lately, I do not need this.

Does your family use coasters? Is anyone in your family excessively tidy? My mom enforces it sometimes if you have a cup with lots of condensation, but not with a lot of dedication. My mom's the tidiest in the family, but I wouldn't call her excessive about it.

Are you usually late, early or right on time? Early.

On a scale of 1 to 5 how organized are you? 3-ish.

Name a movie you can watch over and over again and not be bored with? I can't do this with movies.

Do you still have your tonsils? Yes.

What is the worst thing someone has ever done to you? Called me a weak-willed deadweight that, most offensively, lies about being traumatized. That was the nail in her grave to me. I could never forgive this.

Have you ever gone nude/streaked in public? No.

Do you snore? Steal the covers? Roll around in your sleep? All of these. I'm embarrassed by my snoring. I didn't do this when I was around the weight I'm meant to be.

What is your mom listed under in your phone? "Mama Bear"

Do you like going to the dentist? No.

What’s the most worthwhile thing you’ve done in the last year? I guess just... work on me. I dunno.

Have you ever made out with someone? Yes, I don't think that's an odd thing for an adult to have done before.

What time do you get sleepy? It varies, a lot. Sometimes around 8, sometimes a few hours later. Sometimes very late.

What music do you listen to? Various kinds of metal and rock, as well as alternative and indie. Very rarely songs from other genres.

How old were you when you started to walk? I don't know exactly, I just know I reached normal developmental milestones, according to Mom at doctors appointments and stuff.

Which member of your family do you get along with the best? My mom.

What cheers you up when you’re sad? Seeing/talking to Girt, confiding in Mom (or also Girt), watching my favorite YouTubers, food I like and soda sadly, sleeping can help as a mental reset (but you shouldn't do this, I know, it's not healthy coping), going on car rides where I can listen to my music, funny videos.

Have you ever tanned topless? No, I don't tan to begin with, I find that shit miserable. I don't wanna cook in the goddamn sun, I avoid the sun.

What’s something you’ve been told you’re good at? Writing, photography, bonding with/understanding animals.

Are you a cat or dog person? Cat.

Have you ever done drugs? No.

Recommend a really amazing book. The Handmaid's Tale. Not just the very relevant message, but Atwood's writing style is AMAZING. She is so descriptive in a way where you truly experience what she writes, I want to read more by her. I did read The Testaments (sequel), but I want to read more, I'm just too preoccupied with Warriors books.

Recommend a really amazing song. Through Girt I was just introduced to "This Is War" by Smile Empty Soul, and it's amazing if you're very passionate about how fucked up and heart-shattering war really is.

Recommend a really amazing movie. Uh... The Boy in the Striped Pajamas, if you don't mind crying your eyes out lol.

Who’s your favorite actor/actress? I'm not very passionate about this, but I love(d) Betty White, Johnny Depp, and uh... yeah. They're the only two that immediately come to mind lol.

Have you ever run away from home? For like, an hour as a young teenager. It was so stupid, it wasn't like I had a plan on where to go, and I brought my DOG with me, as if that was a good idea because I'd be putting him at risk. I even had my phone, and I came home when Mom threatened to call the cops. I don't feel it's accurate to say I did it for attention, but I certainly didn't have a plan on what I was doing. I feel far more comfortable in saying I was being my typical dramatic teenage self.

Do you like your hair, the way it is and the color? I do, it's lilac right now. It is very dry though, especially the ends, from having to bleach so aggressively for it to even work.

Are you a Disney movie fan? Of course.

Do you eat seafood? Only shrimp, it's the only seafood I've found I like.

So where the hell do you want to go in life? I just want to be content, dude. I want to be happy where I am. I want to be financially comfortable, happy with who I am, happy with how I spend my time and who's with me.

Are you claustrophobic? In certain conditions.

Do you like getting wasted? I've never been wasted and I'm never interested in being so. It doesn't sound fun at all.

Do you prefer Angels and Airwaves or Rihanna? Well, I've never heard of the former...

If your house was on fire (and your family escaped), what would you save? I am assuming my pets count here. In that case, my laptop most importantly, then my phone, purse (I keep my iPod and a few other things in there), and I'd try to get at least one plushie from Girt. It really depends on the time I have and where the fire is concentrated.

Does caffeine make you hyper? Hyper, no. But I have noticed that sometimes if I have a soda too late in the day, it can affect my ability to sleep.

When are you going back to school? Most likely never. It would take a lot for me to go back to college...

Do you like reading self-help books? Not my thing. I do have a self-help/care workbook, though.

What is your opinion on sex change? All for it. Let people be comfortable in their own damn bodies.

It seems like everyone’s addicted to Twitter these days - are you? I don't use Twitter and I have no interest in doing so. I fucking hate Elon Musk and I won't support a damn thing he creates or governs.

What is something you have recently realized? I probably shouldn't play WoW again when I get a new computer. I've lost the ability to since the next xpac's pre-patch on this laptop, it just doesn't have the memory to support the game anymore, so I've stopped, and I think it's for the better.

If you could study abroad for a year in a foreign country, which country do you think you would choose, and why? Germany, because it would absolutely help me learn the language better. I also just want to visit Germany to begin with.

If applicable, what song are you listening to right now? I'm not listening to a song atm, watching JazzyGuns play Still Wakes the Deep. I fell in love with that game, I'm watching every LPer I follow who plays it do it.

If you could choose three US states to visit, which three states would you pick? Wyoming, Arizona, and probably Utah.

Do you think you express yourself better in writing or out loud? WRITING!!!!!!!!!!! It is NO competition, I get my thoughts out WAY better and more eloquently when I'm writing them.

What’s the most amazing miracle you’ve ever witnessed? Miracles don't exist. Everything that ever happens will have a cause to it, even if we don't understand it yet.

Do you enjoy being home alone? This depends on my mood.

What is the most magical thing you’ve ever experienced? I'd have to think longer on this and I don't feel like it.

What was the last hot beverage you drank? Hot chocolate.

Have you ever donated blood? Twice now, and I want to do it more.

Would you rather attend a yoga class or a Zumba class? Yoga.

Have you written anything down today? Something in my planner. I keep track of certain things I do.

What color is your camera case (if you have one)? Black.

What are three things you like that start with the same letter as your middle name? Meerkats, music, uh... Markiplier? lmfao

Which do you use more: Facebook or Instagram? I browse Facebook more regularly, but I enjoy my time on Insta more.

Would you say you’ve had a good week so far? Whew, ups and downs. I'm adjusting after my first appointment with my new psychiatrist, lots of changes I need to be consistent with.

What are three of your favorite ways to enjoy spring? Photograph/look at flowers, uh... stay inside because it's too hot and there's too much pollen... wait for autumn? lol

Do you own a pair of pink pants? No I don't.

[lordiavolo22]

do you think the modern coquette/girl interrupted/girlblogher types have any roots in a particular "old tumblr" (up to 2016 in my opinion) aesthetic? i mean there's the lana del rey listening but do u think there's like. more. sry idk if i worded this well at all i'm on the last few mins of my break lol

DW at all i believe i understand!! i DEFINITELY believe so. to me, its sort of those girls "growing up". i personally associate modern girl interrupted / girlbloggers as twenty somethings to early thirties, who used tumblr during the early 10s. these are girls who are lost in their early adulthood and feeling as though theyre wasting their youth, compounded with being unable to move on from high school life, and stuck in "nostalgia". a perfect example is teen idle, a popular song then for sad girl teens, who now are living themselves that regret marina expressed in its writing, no longer the character of teen idle, but a representative of the song itself.

and on coquette as a synonym for girlbloggers... i think coquette is really its own thing, although i know it gets cross tagged. to me coquette is like the midway point between crybaby (not supporting melanie martinez, but just using it as an aesthetic example) to electra heart, if you look at them as a three part series. huge tw here for well like everything to do w/ lolita (the book)

none of this is meant to endorse OR condem those who use the coquette aesthetic, i am not a member of this community and while i do think it is honestly more harmful than good for victims, i also dont want to police victims of anything in their ways to cope. i am just a "historian" (cant think of a better word) here, trying to detail what the aesthetic itself is.

basically, to me, coquette is a take on the lolita character, but it is a wealthy teenage girl, with vintage (60s) vibes often using pink, who is """"""preying""""""" < --- obviously in air quotes, on an older man. which is how (ive read anyways) victims try to cope and "take back" that power that that was taken from them.

if we look at these three aesthetics as a story (crybaby, coquette, and electra heart) you can see a young child who is abused, to a teen trying to gain back her power by "intentionally" putting herself into abuse, by becoming a tramuatized housewife and still perpetrating toxic behavior in adulthood. all three of these share these themes, just at different points in life, and all three reflect the same """"pastel vintage"""" (which is itself a completely different aesthetic) vibes.

and on another note, nymphet, another similar aesthetic, is more white trash/rv park tween to teen victim, which focuses more on red and white, and lack of a safe/comfortable home, than on pink and excess/luxury.

[gentil-minou]

Adrien Agreste has Clinical Depression

I'm sure this is a "duh" statement for some folks but honestly up until this season I was on the fence about this headcanon, mostly because I wasn't sure if there were enough symptoms. However, when I actually started going through the episodes and looking for specific instances, I found there was more evidence than I would have expected.

I wanted to get this theory/analysis out before the new episodes because I have a feeling it might change or confirm it, and I love speculating! In addition, I have had clinical depression since I was just a couple years younger than Adrien, and I find it really comforting to be able to relate to a character I adore in this way. Clients with depression are also the ones I most enjoy working with, so it's fun to practice my skills this way!

So, here I'd like to talk about how Adrien has clinical Depression complete with symptoms I think we have evidence of within the show, as well as my theory that he has always had it and that he was using Chat Noir to help distract from it, though in season 4 see that there are some cracks that need to be addressed before he can truly heal.

Disclaimer: I am a therapist, but I am not your therapist. Please keep in mind the triggers, including depression and suicide and PLEASE be mindful of your own health. If you feel yourself getting overwhelmed,please take a break and utilize coping strategies as well as seek help and support. In addition, this is just my opinion and I'm not trying to make anyone believe anything.

To start, what is depression and how is different from just being depressed.

When we define clinical depression, which can be sub-categorized as MDD or PDD, we are talking about a person having low mood and little interest in life or enjoyment, often paired with feelings of hopelessness, guilt, and shame. It's different from being sad, because folks with depression might not even feel "sad" per-say. I've heard some folks describe it as numbness or not sad and just "I can't be happy." In addition, their mood affects their ability to function on a daily basis, making life significantly harder for some people whose depression lasts a long time.

It's also different from something like grief, which usually happens in waves as a response to an upsetting event, like death or loss. Adrien has lost his mother, yes, but he is not grieving as his symptoms don't appear to happen for a reason exactly (And I know that you're thinking it's his fighting with Ladybug that's causing it but if you are willing to read to the end I will argue his fight with Ladybug is in part caused by his depression). In depression, these symptoms can appear gradual and get worse over time but they don't always happen for a reason (though stress, which again I will get to, can play a factor in making symptoms worse)

Usually symptoms have to present for a certain period of time(at least 2 weeks in the DSM, and it has to be persistent), but as this is a cartoon and time is meaningless I feel like we can make some exceptions.

Common symptoms of clinical depression include (DSM5):

Depressed mood (defined as feeling sad, empty, hopeless, irritability especially in children and teens)

Marked diminished interest or pleasure in doing things (also known as anhedonia)

Weight loss/weight gain/appetite changes

Insomnia/hypersomnia

Fidgeting more than usual or moving slower than usual

Fatigue and low energy

Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt

Harder to concentrate or make decisions

Thoughts of suicide

The DSM requires someone has 5 of these symptoms, with the first two considered mandatory for the diagnosis, and that they cause problems in daily life to be considered depression (And yes I acknowledge the DSM is flawed as hell but it's what I and most others are familiar with). There's also a bunch of other stuff involved so before I go into more details if you are reading this and think "Oh, that's me..." first know that I have been there and it can be scary but you can heal, just please seek help from a professional. This is why we're here.

Again, since this is a cartoon where time is arbitrary, we can ignore the number requirement here I think.

So, which of these symptoms does Adrien have?

I wanted to go through the show and show off specific instances of each of these.

1. Depressed Mood

Hopelessness - We've seen a lot of this throughout the season. In particular, I think Wishmaker showed some of the most obvious examples with Adrien being worried about his future and feeling like he didn't have a path ahead of him. Some of his reactions in Glaciator 2.0 also could be taken as hopelessness as he feels as though his feelings for Ladybug are burdensome and will go nowhere.

Irritability - People love to point out Adrien destroying chiminies in Sentibubbler but honestly this is one of the most obvious examples of irritability he's shown in the season. There's also Hack-san with his anger at Ladybug replacing herself with someone else. These are outward examples of irritability that are rooted in feelings of sadness and fear. He is afraid of losing Ladybug and not being Chat Noir anymore, and he is angry in response. Think of all the times you've been so sad and upset by something that it made you angry. It does not necessarily justify anything he did, but it does offer us an explanation.

Sad :( - There are some other instances throughout the series itself, thought we largely see Adrien when he is surrounded by other people or doing something that can occupy his thoughts. However, in quiet moments like when he's eating, he often sits withdrawn. It's hard to label these emotions exactly when this happens because Adrien is also an optimist (which can happen at the same time as depression, believe me, I am one of those) so his outlook in early seasons were largely positive.

In season 4, we are seeing a lot more moments where Adrien is sad and we the audience get to see him like this. It's worth noting that significant stress can be one of the reasons why we have strong emotional responses like the one Adrien has. In addition to feeling as though Ladybug doesn't need him, he is also experiencing cracks in his friendships, most notably Kagami in Lies, Chloe in Queen Banana, and Nino in Rocketear. This, compounded with his rising realization that his father has been mistreating him and his fear that he is not needed as Chat Noir could definitely cause him enough stress for depressive symptoms to worsen.

2. Little Interest in doing things.

We see this montage in the beginning of Lies that shows Adrien going through a bunch of his works as a model and yes we know it's not his favorite, but we also see him not enjoying himself as Chat Noir. This is odd considering one might think Chat is a way for Adrien to escape the banality of normal life. So to see him so obviously disinterested in this sort of things was alarming.

And yes, it's also because he misses Ladybug, but I would say she serves more as a distraction to help keep his depressed thoughts occupied. This is also why some people, teens especially, might appear "perfectly fine" when they're around others, because those social interactions serve as a source of distraction and provide important support for someone with depression.

So, when that support is gone, we see Adrien's mood diminish significantly. He even says it himself, "The only time I can have fun is when I'm with you." This, to me, serves as enough evidence to say he has anhedonia.

3. Little Appetite

How many times have we seen him not eating, looking forlornly at his food. Yes this is mostly in response to his environment, but I genuinely think we've seen more shots of Adrien picking at his food than we have of him eating it. His diet is restricted, but we rarely see him eating when he's alone. With others, again he can be distracted, but on his own he's not.

Weight loss would also, unfortunately get unnoticed or even worse praised given his status as a model.

4. Insomnia (maybe)

This is a bit of a stretch, so that's why a Maybe. In Sandman, while Mari and what appears like the rest of the city are asleep, we see Adrien awake.

Now this could be a matter of Adrien being up late studying or limited budget preventing them from making him pajamas, but it could also be likely that Adrien has a hard time falling asleep and suffers from insomnia

5. Feeling worthless/Excessive guilt

There are a few examples throughout the series that are implied. I've talked before about how Desperada hinted at Adrien's current struggles and arc, and I think it provides a great example of Adrien feeling worthless when he is Adrien. Here we see him constantly failing again and again to the point of near insanity. This is because he wanted so desperately to prove to himself that he wasn't worthless, not realizing that it's not him as a superhero that he needs to address but him as a civilian. Part of the tragedy of the episode was that he wasn't able to see then that being Chat was never a problem for him; it was learning to accept himself that was the challenge.

In Glaciator 2 we also see a lot of excessive guilt from being the one to make Ladybug angry. Yes, Ladybug did snap at him and get mad, but he wasn't mad at her he was more angry with himself and feeling excessively guilty. In reality, the true person responsible were the media who portray them this way and post pictures without advertising. This is what is considered inappropriate and excessive guilt because Adrien was not entirely at fault for the incident and his response of wanting to destroy every billboard to fix it was an example of how he felt responsible despite it (even thought neither of them remembered the kiss)

I've already talked about it here but I theorize the conflict in Kuro Neko is due to Adrien's feelings of guilt of being unable to help and feeling worthless as a member of the team. But, we shall see tomorrow.

6. Harder to concentrate/Indecisiveness (another maybe)

You could maybe say that Wishmaker was him being overwhelmed with all his options and no idea what to do or what to pick, but that could also be attributed to feeling hopeless about his future. One of the most common answers I get when working with clients with depression is that they don't have a goal or dream for the future, so when I first saw this in the episode I had some alarm bell starting to ring.

7. Thoughts of suicide

A lot of attention when to this moment in Guilt Trip, where Adrien appears suicidal. I think this was him finding himself burdensome, like he only causes other people pain. It plays on his excessive feelings of guilt, and as I see in many clients that guilt often tricks them into believing their loved ones are better off without them.

One might also be able to argue that him giving up the ring in Kuro Neko is him reaching his limits and "giving up on life" since Chat Noir is a representation of his freedom essentially.

I'm not going to go into more detail here, but regardless to say if any of this is affecting you negatively please take a break and utilize coping strategies as well as seek help and support.

Here's the theory: Adrien has had Depression since Pre-Origins

I wanna be clear THIS IS MY OWN SPECULATION.

This might take some explaining. Depression can begin manifesting at any ages (current research is being done to see if it's even possible for onset to occur during preschool), but in my experience with teens especially a lot of signs start to happen early on in puberty, say 12-14.

When we see Adrien, he is actively running away in order to get out of his house. We don't see much of him actually, and there's little for me to analyze about him pre-origins because, well, there's nothing. One could argue that PV Felix and early reiterations of Adrien may have some depressive symptoms, but I am not familiar enough for that. If we ever get to see Adrien before he got his miraculous, there are a few things I'd watch out for. Does he look like he's going through the motions?

What makes me think it could be possible are his actions during the early part of the series. We see him enjoying all the new things he’s trying and gets to do, his birthday party and all of these new exciting things and I think it’s most important to note that folks with depression are not necessarily always experiencing a depressive episode. There are periods of good days in and amongst the bad days. Many things can contribute to fluctuations in mood.

For Adrien, it's likely that experiencing a new environment and meeting all these new people were, for the time at least, powerful enough to make his depression fade into the background for at least a little while. He goes gung-ho into everything, with a zealous for life. But once the honeymoon period has begin to wear off and new and old problems resurface, depression can return. But because Adrien has always used masking as a solution, it's the one he returns to here.

What's notable in Season 4, however, is that while we the audience can see Adrien beginning to break down and enter dark pits of despair, his friends and those around him do not. This I found interesting, because if he was always sunshine boy why is he so good at hiding his negative emotions.

My theory is that he is an expert in masking his emotions. Given that he suffered from significant neglect at least since his mom's disappearance, I think that when these depressive symptoms first began appearing his buried them deep within and did not want to share them, likely for fear of retaliation or disapproval from his father. Common comments I hear from parents and people who know the teen is "they're so different from who they were before. We want our happy kid back" however they don't realize that often times masking emotions is the first response we might see when depression begins to manifest.

Then, when he escapes to become Chat Noir, it solves as the ultimate form of Behavior Activation (the act of doing things to improve your mood). If being trapped in his room or playing the model son is a representation of his depression, then being Chat Noir offers an escape that sets him free. He also gets Plagg, the perfect source of constant companionship to distract him from potential dark thoughts. For the early part of season, Adrien had his depression managed pretty well even without realizing it.

But, as anyone who has ever had depression knows, it can come back.

Cracks started to appear as early as season 2 in Frozer I think and into season 3 with episodes like Desperada and finally in season 4 where his typical distractions and coping mechanisms aren't working. In Furious Fu he also finds out that he might one day lose Ladybug, and that means the careful safe place he's created for himself is under threat, and he's afraid of returning to the dark place he'd been in before becoming Chat Noir.

There's a larger issue here, and that is in part stress from the outside world and also cognitions about his sense of self and purpose. He also has become heavily reliant on masking how he feels, even to the point where he cannot share his true feelings with the people he loves most. In order for Adrien to truly heal from his depression, as opposed to the way he's been managing and distracting from it, is by targeting those specific cognitions and fears as well as learning to allow other people in to help share the burden (Interestingly enough, the same thing Mari needs to do).

This is why I wanted to get this theory out before Kuro Neko. I think that we will find more info about Adrien's feelings about himself. If he is Cat Walker, I also think he will be distraught at the realization that he gave up his only source of treatment. I think that is in part why he is willing to get his miraculous back because he knows he will be lost without it. But I also hope this helps him realize that more needs to change and that he can't just keep relying on being Chat Noir to make him feel.

This felt a lot darker than I intended (surprise surprise, this is depression) so I thought I would end on a note that I see a lot of success stories, and maybe share my own if that helps (If you don't care you don't have to read lol). I, like Adrien, worked really hard to mask my depression and emotions. I was also just always thrilled to have friends and people and things to do that sometimes it felt like "my depression was cured!" and as a result I ignored it and the negative thoughts and opinions I had about myself as well. Then, inevitably and just like Adrien, some stressor would occur and just like Adrien my depression came back with vengeance. I would even start relying so heavily on other people that I created relationships that were doing me more harm than good, and the ones that were good I was slowly ruining because I relied on them so much (Not saying this is Adrien now, but I could see why some of his actions may be linked to thoughts like mine).

I also had to hit rock bottom before I finally got help. And the first thing I did was share with people around me and get support from them. Being vulnerable and learning to let myself feel these emotions and not feel guilty about it was a huge step in my journey, and after that I was able to start advocating for what I needed to get better.

I think Adrien is at a similar crossroads now, and I have a feeling that once this rock bottom passes he will begin to heal stronger than ever, just like I and many others have as well. :)

[takamikeiigos]

Okay I know made an ask already like 2 days ago🙄 but what if hawks s/o had to fake their death on a mission for like a month or 2😮‍💨 and when they come back the first thing they do is look for hawks even though they’re tired, beaten and look like complete shit😩😩 I’m just such a sucker for these kind of tropes !!!

Also how’s ur day been :))

ayo i got you fam!!!

this was legit all i could think of for like 3 days so i hope it's okay!!

Title: "You Came Back to Me"

Rating: Teen and Up Audiences (for now)

Relationships: Hawks x Reader

Tags: temporary character death, violence, drinking as a coping mechanism (minor on hawk's part), emesis

Word Count: 2.8k

Chapters: 1 / 2 / 3

You look up at the villain who currently has you pinned to the floor, your ragged breaths leaving your mouth with every rise and fall of your chest.

His vibrant green eyes are piercing as they stare down at you, his expression wicked and merciless as he presses his foot harder against your throat as a warning.

"Here are your options, darlin'," he pulls his foot away, instead opting to sit back on his haunches. He brushes your hair from your face and rests his hand on your cheek. It makes you flinch and your breath hitch.

"You either find a way to dissappear, or I'll track down that precious little birdy of yours and take his wings for myself."

○ ○ ○

- three weeks prior -

"Let me come with you. Please."

"Kei.." you say softly as you back the rest of your necessities in your bag, finally turning to look at him.

He's on edge, you can tell by his posture. His wings are drawn tight to his back, but his feathers are puffed out. It reminds you of how hair stands on end and goosebumps make them selves known under fear and stress.

"You know I can't.."

"This is too much for one person to handle." His arms are folded across his chest now as he leans against the doorframe of your shared bedroom.

"You don't think I can handle myself?" The words leave your mouth sounding offended, and he instantly deflates.

"That's not what I meant. If you didn't know what you were doing, you wouldn't be working for one of the top agencies in Japan." Keigo steps forward, now in your space, and you can see a faint trace of fear flicker across his face. "I just.. this man is very dangerous, y/n. And if anything happens.."

"Hey. It'll be okay. It'll only be a month and I'll be home before you know it. I won't let anything happen, I promise." Your hand falls against his cheek and he nuzzles into it, both of his hands coming to rest against your own.

"You promise?" he asks quietly, needing one more confirmation that you'll be home and safe in a couple weeks.

"I promise."

○ ○ ○

"Have you made your mind up, sweetheart?" Kimura, the man who has had the utmost pleasure in beating you within an inch of your life, asks. He slams you against the brick wall of the alleyway one more time for good measure, his hand wrapped firmly around your throat.

"Please.." you gasp out, your hands coming to wrap around his wrist, trying to relieve the pressure against your larynx. "P-please promise me you won't hurt him, that you w-wont lay a hand on him.."

He chuckles darkly, tossing you aside onto the cold, dirty floor of the alleyway.

Your vision is blurring, slowly darkening at the edges, but you manage to see him move a few feet away, bending down to pick something up off the ground. You blink sluggishly and suddenly he's in your space once more, holding the object, which you soon realize is your phone, in your face.

"Go ahead, songbird. Give him one last goodbye."

You cringe at the abuse of the nickname that you hold so dear, but weakly reach out and take your phone from his hand, Hawks' number already dialed.

All you had to do was hit send and that would be it.

You close your eyes and rest your head against the brick wall, taking a deep breath to steady yourself. You can feel tears burning as they make themselves known, clinging to your eyelashes and not yet falling to your cheeks. You blame it on the amount of pain you're in, but you know the true reason is because you're absolutely terrified.

You press send.

As it rings you notice Kimura bringing out his own phone, holding it up and aiming it in your direction.

What a sick bastard.

"Baby bird!" Keigo's voice comes cheerfully from the other line. Though it warms and calms your senses, it still makes you sad knowing that he's completely oblivious to what's about to come.

"H-Hey, Kei.." you try your best to keep your voice steady, but the damage from excessive force to your throat is unforgiving and the words leave your mouth sounding raspy and distant.

"Y/n, where are you?" Keigo's voice drops an octave and you can tell his worry has set in, which was exactly what you wanted to avoid.

"I'm okay, just uh," you pause mid-sentence, your throat tightening around the words as tears threaten to spill again, "just got knocked around a lil bit."

Your laugh comes out bitter. You hate the sound of it.

"Y/n. Tell. Me. Where. You. A-"

"Kei, listen. I need you to know how much I.." your voice betrays you and cracks, and you suddenly find that you can't fight the overwhelming fear and sadness coming over you. You weakly bring a hand up to wipe at your battered cheeks, tears continuing to fall and mix with the grime and blood that covers your skin.

You try again to steel yourself, another deep breath falling from your lips shakily, making your lungs rattle. It's becoming harder each second to keep your eyes open and your mind focused, but if you make it through this one phone call, you know you'll be able to rest easy.

"I need you t'know how much I love you. 'N that everything's g'nna be fine. That you'll be okay. And to not c-"

Suddenly a gunshot rings out and your whole world stands still for a split second, before turning completely sideways.

You register warmth blossoming over your abdomen, spreading and soaking your hero uniform. You can hear Keigo frantically yelling from where your phone slipped from your hand and landed on the concrete next to your head. And the last thing you see is Kimura holstering his gun with one hand, tapping away on his phone with the other.

"What a shitty ending for a hero, don't you think?" Kimura grins down at you.

Yeah. What a shitty ending for a hero.

○ ○ ○

The quiet trickle of water finds its way to your ears, and the feeling of something cold and damp against your forehead is a soothing contrast to how hot your body feels.

Opening your eyes feels as though it takes half of whatever strength you have left, and your vision swims. Suddenly hit with a wave a nausea, you lean over and vomit over the edge of the bed you're laying on. Luckily there's a bucket on the floor, and you assume it was placed there for a reason.

That someone placed it there.

In a panic you sit up, your wounds pulling tight and your body protesting. Your vision swims again and it takes you a few moments to ground yourself.

"Ma'am, please don't move too fast. You'll re-open your wounds and you're already in bad shape," a quiet voice projects throughout the room. You look up and notice an older man, probably in his sixties, sitting in a chair next to the bed you're currently occupying.

"Who are you? Where's Kimura?" You grit out, grabbing the edge of the blankets and tossing them off of you. The man in front of you is ready for your attempt at escape and he places steady hands on your shoulders, pushing you back onto the bed.

"Please! My name is Daichi Tanaka, I am a doctor! I found you in an alleyway near Higashiosaka. I would have taken you to a hospital but you begged me not to," the man pleads, his hands persistent on your shoulders.

You glare at him momentarily, before relaxing back onto the bed, still weary of his intentions.

"Kimura? Is that the name of the person who did this to you?" The man - Tanaka - asks hesitantly.

You ignore his question in favor for asking your own, "How long have I been out?"

Tanaka stares at at you, seeming to contemplate answering, but you figure he finally realizes you aren't taking any shit because his answer comes out with a sigh.

"A little over a week. You've been in and out, your fever finally broke this morning."

Over a week. You've been out for over a week and you don't know where you are, where Kimura went, and where Keigo-

Keigo.

It all comes crashing back to you and you lie back, your hands resting over your eyes.

Tanaka seems to have been reading your mind, because he pulls your phone from the nightstand next to you and passes it over.

"I wiped as much blood from it as I could. You have many new notifications and quite a few missed calls. I wasn't able to unlock it to call anyone, but it seems there are many people worried about you." Tanaka stands then, making his way toward the bedroom door.

"I will give you some privacy for now, but expect me to be back in twenty minutes to check up on you."

With that, Tanaka leaves, closing the door behind him with a soft click.

You stare down at your phone, the screen cracked and a few specs of blood and dirt tucked into its crevices. You type your pin in and pull your notifications up, Keigo's name amongst others filling the screen.

You don't realize you're crying until a small hiccup forces its way from your mouth, your cheeks wet with tears.

You notice a voice-mail from him, and though you know it's only going to make you more upset, you force yourself to open it to make sure he's okay.

His voice floods the room and it immediately breaks your heart at how wrecked he sounds. You can tell he's been crying by how gravelly his voice sounds as the message plays out.

"You know," Keigo laughs bitterly over the phone, "I punched Ryosetsu in the face for letting you go on this mission alone. Gave 'im a real nice shiner on your behalf."

The message goes quiet and you can hear what sounds like a glass bottle being opened in the background, Keigo's quiet sniffles also making themselves known.

"Fuck, y/n. They didnt even.. they didnt even find your body. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that, huh?

"They wouldn't even let me anywhere near the scene, I had to sit back at the office while they kept me informed. He said there was uh.." you assume Keigo pauses to take a swig of whatever he's drinking based off the tink of the glass bottle, "heh, he said there's a low chance you're even alive because there was so much blood. Fuck."

You grimace at how blunt he is with the statement and how distant his voice sounds. You can only hope that he hasn't been drinking as often as your thoughts are telling you.

"Please come back to me," he whimpers over the message, and a new wave of tears fall down your cheeks. "Please.. I can't do this without you."

○ ○ ○

A few days pass.

Tanaka refuses to take any of your shit.

He most definitely refuses to let you leave until you had one more solid meal in you, and one more day of rest.

You're still a little weak, bruises and abrasions littering your skin ( not to mention the nasty bullet wound Tanaka managed to sew up for you ) but you finally have enough strength to stand and walk on your own.

He pleads with you to stay one more day, just to ensure you're strong enough to be by yourself, but you shake your head and bow before him.

"Thank you, Mr. Tanaka, but I have to keep moving. It might be unsafe for you if I stay."

So instead he writes down his phone number on a crumpled piece of paper and hands it to you, patting your hand briefly.

"You're a strong one, just be sure to take care of yourself." He smiles kindly at you, and you nod before taking your leave.

○ ○ ○

Days go by as you hop around from town to town, only stopping for food and rest.

It's been a little over two weeks since you made the decision to distance yourself to ensure the safety of your friends and Keigo, and nearly two months since you were assigned the mission. While you knew faking your death was the only way to keep people from asking too many questions about why you suddenly disappeared, you weren't expecting to actually get shot and almost die.

You keep up with the recent events as best as you can, continuously watching news coverage and especially keeping tabs on Keigo's agency.

Your breath catches in your throat one day while you're moving through a rural seaside town, large red wings and a familiar hero uniform immediately catching your attention.

A flood of emotions run through you and it takes everything in you to not run up to him and hold him. But the fear of Kimura's prying eyes hold you back, and you steadily remind yourself that you're doing this to protect him.

You keep your distance and watch his every move. He's staring down at his phone for a while and after a few moments it rings. He brings it to his ear and though you can't hear what he's saying, it must be something important.

Because soon enough his wings are spread out and he's taking flight into the afternoon sky.

○ ○ ○

'Pro-Hero Hawks makes appearance in. Tanabe - finds lead on hero killer'

'Hanamatsu hero case still under investigation'

'Top Hero Agency in Japan pursuing hero killer - Kimura'

The news headlines on your phone cause your blood to run cold. How foolish of you to think Keigo would let this go so easily.

To think he wouldn't trace every piece of evidence and go to the ends of the earth to take down someone who hurt you.

○ ○ ○

You keep tabs on him as best you can. It begins to feel like you're stalking him, in a weird way, but you'll be damned if you did all of this just to put his safety on the line.

Keigo stays in Tanabe for the time being, the week passing by in a blur as you track his movements.

You figure Kimura went into hiding since his criminal activity fell flat after your encounter with him, but Keigo is as persistent as he's ever been, nitpicking every lead that comes his way.

A few days later word gets out that Kimura has been spotted in the village of Hidakagawa, just thirty minutes northwest of Tanabe.

You only hope you can get there before Keigo does.

○ ○ ○

Hidakagawa is exactly what you pictured, a perfect little town for a low-life criminal to live under the radar.

Its quiet and rural, its occupants living their lives happily tucked away from the bustling life of the city.

A few squad cars rush past you as you look at the map you have pulled up on your phone. It seems a little out of character for such a small town, so you push yourself forward and follow them.

○ ○ ○

When you finally catch up to the squad cars, the scene before you makes your hair stand on end.

Keigo has Kimura pinned to the ground, battered and bruised, his fist closed around a one of his feathers that he's currently wielding as a blade. A few dozen officers surround the scene, guns drawn and on edge.

Kimura smirks up at him and whatever he says is out of earshot, but its enough to piss Keigo off and send him into a frenzy.

"Kei, stop!" You find yourself yelling shakily. You finally manage to push through the barricade of officers and it's then that Keigo makes eye contact with you, his closed fist halted in the air.

Kimura takes the split second of distraction to knock the blade from Keigo's hand, flipping their position so the winged hero is pinned to the floor of the temple. He pulls out his gun and cocks it, pressing it to Keigo's forehead.

All the while Keigo keeps his eyes on you.

"I thought I told you to stay away, little one," Kimura grits out, wiping a trail of blood from his mouth, "Now it looks like your little hawk is about to lose his wings, all because someone can't listen."

You move on impulse when Kimura turns his attention back to Keigo, and you grab the handgun from the officer closest to you.

You waste no time in firing a bullet, hitting Kimura right in the temple. But as it strikes he squeezes the trigger of his own gun on impulse, which is still trained on Keigo, a second round going off.

- to be continued -

tbh i was super nervous to post this bc im so new to the fandom but here we go!!

also i just made up random characters bc im not quite caught up with the manga, and also picked random spots in japan that i know absolutely nothing about

rip to my writing skills lmfao

♡ ky

[widowsofchaos]

Poor Little Rich Boy

summary: you find out your boyfriend isn’t all that innocent as he seems.

warnings: yandere behavior, violence, and gore. dub-non con. Ya know the filthy vibes.

Pairing: dark college!Tony Stark x black!reader

a/n: this is my first time writing Tony so be gentle with me <3

do not respost my works!

“I, Howard Anthony Walter Stark, being of sound, mind, and body do hereby declare that this document is my last will and testament. I bestow my legacy in the hands of my only heir, my son, Anthony Edward Stark. All my assets, finances, and chair as CEO of Stark Industries are now in his hands.”

Buzz.

A dull silent vibration shook in the confinement of Tony’s jean pocket, pulling him out of his sullen trance. Instinctively ignoring the notification, as he listened onto the blurred words of the lawyer reading his late father’s will.

Biting his lip to contain his swirling emotions -- aggravation to just collect his inherited earnings, and head home to you.

Buzz.

With a hazy eye-roll, Tony casually sneaked his palm into his pocket, retrieving the phone. As the family lawyer droned on reading, aged eyes glued onto the paper; Tony peaked at the screen, with the quick analysis of face ID -- his pupils dilated like saucers.

His nostrils flared, inhaling deeply, his chest heaving -- he gotta get home immediately. An iron grip onto the phone, he roughly dug it back into his pocket, his foot tapping against the carpeted flooring. Antsy.

God, please make time go faster.

Buzz.

His fingers itched to snatch the cellular device, internally screaming for another peak at the salacious cheeky messages.

Messages from you -- photos of yourself seated on his bedroom floor, in only a high-waisted thong, and his custom tailored blazer.

The creamy beige against your buttery smooth bronze skin was divine, Tony swears anything you wear is pulled off with elegance. Your brown areolas are slipping out just a tad bit from the flaps, a hint of what’s awaiting for him.

His cock hardened against the denim fabric, Tony salivates whenever you wear his clothing, his scent imprinting onto your flesh - of you in compromising positions, your neatly manicured fingers inside your panties, rubbing your swollen nub. Biting your plump bottom lip.

Buzz.

Another picture with a text, you were sipping from a glass, his best Scotch, with the typed words, “I miss you. I know my favorite boy is blue, come back home so I can take care of you.” Signed with a kissy face emoji, and a red heart.

You were leaning on your elbows, your bouncy ass in the air, legs bent upward with your ankles playfully interlocked in the air.

The glass of ale leaning downward against your teasing lips, and sultry eyes through the reflective mirror -- Tony’s cock twitched, oh he’s gonna eat you up when he gets home.

- It was midnight, the full moon shining bright in the inky indigo sky -- beaming upon the Stark manor. The white fluorescent solar satellite glistening upon the grand bedroom where two lovers lay satiated in bed.

Rubbing random circles by the pads of your fingertips on Tony’s sweaty broad chest, taming the beast into a purring feline.

“I love you.” Tony’s mild slurred speech infiltrated the serene silence, your nose scrunched up in glee. “I love you too.” you murmured in his neck, a lazy grin stretched on your face.

For hours, Tony, and yourself haven’t left the bedroom, stringing release after release -- letting Tony pinch, pull your hair, bruise, slap, and choke your soft flesh-- that’s what he loves about you, trusting him wholeheartedly with your body, and soul.

A lot of tears of euphoria, and fear of abandonment. Reassuring Tony that you would never leave him, breathy hymns of I love yous in his ear.

It’s been a couple of difficult few weeks, Howard Stark has passed at the age of 74. A fatal car crash taking his life, leaving behind his only son. It was only freshly five months ago that Tony lost his mother, Maria. Uterine cancer - multiple tumors.

Maria Stark, the matriarch of the family, was the light of Tony’s life. Maria was a saint, even at death’s door, she had a positive perspective. You can still recall her calling her tumors fruit bowls of pain - her tumors were the size of miniature melons; grew from the size of strawberries.

And when she died -- the already fractured relationship of father and son deteriorated to ash. Howard started becoming colder, more stricter on his son -- his disappointment fueling by the second.

Clayed into a modernized Narcissus -- guising his trauma with bloviating chatter to impress the little people. Boasting his youthful genius with no shame.

Tony may have been born from the finest cloth, a silver-spoon wedged in his mouth -- but he oozes the work ethic of a blue-collar joe.

Under the molden gait of a promising demigod is a fragile boy -- yearning for affection. A neglected child desperate for attention.

Sending nudes to your boyfriend while he’s attending his dead father’s will hearing -- many would deem that as distasteful -- tacky, even. But, you knew Tony’s coping mechanisms.

Frat parties, drinking excessively to the brink of oblivion, and copious amounts of sex.

Tony was raised in a household, where any emotional turmoil expressed to his father was shot down, except with his mother -- he needs a womanly touch.

He never saw his conquests as ladies, only whores to get his rocks off, but once he laid eyes on you -- sweet, and bubbly -- that little rich boy was a goner.

Succumbing to a dazed half-slumber, Tony’s cell phone rings at the bedside table -- you groaned at the intrusion. Flashing on the screen was Happy’s goofy grin, one of Tony’s closest friends. You mumbled a ‘of fucking course’, Tony cheekily chuckled at your frustration.

“Don’t worry, sweetcheeks. This won’t take long.” With the wisp of a lingering kiss on your hairline, Tony begrudgingly detached himself from you--proudly strutting his naked bare firm ass, picking up his boxers from the floor shamelessly displaying his hung cock, and balls.

“Nice ass.” you teased. Tony snorted, “Nice? Toots, it’s the finest ass. And you love it.” He winked at you over his shoulder, you giggled. Tony’s footfalls faded down the hall, his conversation blurring into the distance. You laid back down, sighing as you stared up at the ceiling, quickly getting bored.

Without Tony to entertain you, you had nothing to do. Maybe I could get a head start on my thesis? Your eyes languidly rolled to the corner of your lids, staring at your opened crumbled book-bag mocking you at the corner of the room, Fuck that. You grumbled.

Mindlessly deciding to get dressed, and search for substance. Hours of unadulterated love-making can take out a lot of energy.

Nimble quiet feet tip-toe down the stairs, covered in only Tony’s wrinkled white button-down, brown statuesque legs gracefully head to the kitchen -- but you halt in your tracks. A dim light seeps from the crack out of an office -- Howard’s former office.

Curiosity overwhelms you, biting down your tongue, you check your surroundings, making sure Tony is nowhere in sight. Earlier in the day, the office was locked -- why is it now open?

Open-palm press against the door, a tiny creak of the mahogany makes you cringe internally. Stealthy you walk into the office, nothing seems to be out of place. Maybe Tony was in here? Fidgety fingers skim against the polished wooden desk, at the corner of your eye, a mess of papers sit idly by.

You pick the papers up, fastly flicking through it. Statements declaring Tony as the new CEO of Stark Industries, royalties, and -- mechanic blueprints?

Your chest began heaving, breaths still choppy fuming out of your nose, your left eye twitched from the stressing bile rising. Here in your hands are the blueprints of a familiar vehicle -- Howard Stark’s car. Descriptive details on the full functionality of the car, why are these here?

Warm palms clutch your shoulders, soothingly rubbing, you flinch by the surprise, “You weren’t meant to see those.” A hot breath fan against your ear, you whimper, his voice sounded husky, menacingly.

Not daring to look him in the eye, frozen in your spot as if the soles of your feet grew roots in the flooring, Tony’s grasp on your arms tighten. “The old man was going to take me off the will. I know he was.”

A chaste kiss on your temple, “As if I didn’t take his shit over the years just for nothing. Blaming me for my mother’s death.” He grumbled against your skin, your blood running cold. There was no remorse in his voice, a hint of satisfaction.

This isn’t the Tony you knew.

A beast of his father’s making.

“Tony - I - I won’t tell anyone, I promise--” Tony shushed your stuttering, his rough hands snaking its travel to your waist, slithering his forearms around your torso, ensnaring you.

“I know, baby. I know you wouldn’t. You’re my good girl.” He spoke in your hair, small lingering kisses on your scalp. Tony was rocking your body back and forth, cradling you -- he can sense your fear.

With trepidation, you held his arms, a little shaky. “Tony, let’s just go back to bed.” Your voice was cracking, this isn’t the man you fell in love with, and you wanted to just run away as far as you can.

“You’re scared of me?” Although it was an intended question, its tone came off as a fact. Indeed you were terrified of him.

“No.” You spat too quickly for your liking. Tony gripped your chin, and twisted your head to face him, “I would never hurt you. I love you. Everything I do is for you.” Your breath hitched, his face was morphed into a sad feral puppy.

“I know. I know you do.” You feigned a weak smile, “I just didn’t think --” you stopped yourself before you vomited any other words. “Do what? Kill?” Tony cocked a brow, with a shit-eating grin. “I did it before. For you.” Tears were forming at the brim of his eyes, your doe-eyes widened, you began squirming in his arms. “Tony, what did you do?!” you shrieked, limbs failing.

Tony’s iron-grip didn’t let up, refusing to let you go, “He wasn’t right for you!” Tony bellowed on the top of his lungs, impulsive rage seeping through, fumbling feet colliding.

Both of your bodies falling to the carpeted floor as Tony tried to restrain your wrists, fumbling feet slipping. A miscalculated misstep sent you, and Tony colliding downward.

Tony’s weight pinning you down. Confusion making your head go dizzy, “What do you mean?” You whispered. Tony smashed his lips against yours, his hands cupping your cheeks, “You know what I mean.” His brows furrowed, gently his forehead on yours, his eyes staring into your soul.

Realization hits you like a freight train, flashes of your ex, the cops alerting you of his disappearance, Tony’s lingering shadow always appearing to provide comfort -- “Brock?” a lone tear trickle down your eye, down your temple, and hitting the carpet below. Tony nodded frantically.

Tony’s lips peppered against your face, your cheeks, your forehead, your eye-lids, your nose, your chin; mumbling affection against your tear-stained face.

It’s been three years since Brock vanished, rumors flew around campus from students believing he killed himself in some remote location, you lost him in the first years of university.

You were grief-stricken, but Tony, being the ever-present close friend lend a shoulder -- then soon, it blossomed into much more.

“Now, it's just us. We can start a new dollface.” Tony sniffled, hot tears drip upon your flesh, “We can start our own family” he rasps, “I can be a dad. A better father.” Your eyes widened at his suggestion.

A family? You both were just shy of twenty-one, and already Tony is mapping out your entire futures. You tried to wiggle out of his grasp, but it was futile.

Tony murmured nonono to your bodily request of escape, chasing clumsy blubbering kisses against your chavile. Your body began to be wrecked with sobs, your chest heaving.

“Don’t cry, baby. It’s better this way.” Tony’s brows were furrowed sorrowfully, his tremor low with ache. “You killed Brock, how could you?! I loved him!” Tony gripped your jaw, painfully his fingers kneading,

“Loved him?! He wasn’t right for you! You need me! I need you! No one is going to love you like I do. I loved you the first day I met you.” Harsh fingers rip off the fabric, exposing your breasts to the elements.

“You’re mine! No one can have you! I will kill anyone who tries to take you away!” Tony’s mouth plunged, fangs nibbling on your nipples, his entire mouth suckling your left breasts.

Tony’s left hand pinching your right nipple, twisting and slapping it roughly. You yelped, shutting your eyes closed. Your skin crawled, Tony’s brown eyes peered at you, dissatisfied that you refuse to look at him.

A sloppy pop echoed, “Look at me!” he slapped you, the crack of it pounding in your ears, the heat of the sting scorched throughout your cheek. Your eyes popped open, watery from the hit, Tony has never once laid a hand on you -- until now.

Nose to nose, “We’re gonna be a family--” one of his hands traveled down to tug down his boxers, his hard swollen cock is man-handled in his palm, you struggled to get away, but Tony clutched your wrists in one hand, and pinned it on the carpet.

Tony spit on your cunt, rubbing it within your velvety folds by the base of his veiny cock, earning a hiss out of you. “You’re going to look so hot swollen with our baby.” Your thighs twitched, Tony roughly forced your thigh to wrap around his torso, positioning himself.

“Please - Tony, please don’t”, you cried, Tony shushed you. Lining himself to your hole, with no hesitation, plunged his cock inside your pussy. You screamed, your back arching, “Feels lovely, right? Feels so fucking delicious - you were made for me.” Tony snarled, biting your chin, his tongue trailing your jawline, pistoning his cock inside you.

Dripping slick smears against your thighs, clenching onto his cock, a broken groan slips from Tony’s lips, “Fuck - yes, do that again.” You were blubbering tears down your cheeks, the inevitable pleasure Tony strings out of you is undeniable.

“You’re so tight, and warm.” He growled in your ear, “I can’t wait to have a baby with you. You all swollen, waddling around with bare-feet. You’ll be a great mother - just like mine.” He whispered, biting on your lobe.

You murmured muffled whines in the crock of his neck, bruising is slowly forming on your hips, fucking you like it’s the last time. Shivers run down Tony’s spine, time slows down.

Sweaty skin slapping against skin spurred him on, taking all of you. Your nails scratch at his palm, still bounding you down.

“I love you.” He whimpered, you bite your lip, refusing to sink into the instinct of saying it back. Tony perked his head up from your neck, growling, “Say it back!” he thrusted his pelvis against you, a cattle wail hit you, “Say -” thrust “it-” another thrust “-back!” his smile falters slow, a bruising touch.

He can see you slowly yielding, small pants of electric euphoria, “No!” you bite back.

Wet lips slant against yours. Your entire body jolting from his unforgiving pace, your back burning slightly from the rug beneath you.

Releasing your wrists, his rough hand find it’s way to your back, hiking you up, squeezing your ass in his fingers, bucking your hips; fucking you onto him, your nails dig into his sculpted back -- scratching for him to stop, but it felt too good.

You’ve become dizzy. Your teeth sink into his shoulder, hoping the pain makes him halt his actions, but it makes him harden inside of you.

There’s no space between you, melting into one, the friction, the heat; the tethers of reality blur into nothing.

“Please - say you love me.” Tony pleaded, his weary eyes sinking into yours. A robbery -- a heart-wrenching robbery of your soul, in an instant, you didn’t see a cold-blooded killer, but the mire of a lost boy.

He slowed down his thrusts, leisure movements, his brown orbs are glossy, “Say it, please.” Tony gently kisses you, not feverish, but you can taste the sweet commitment. Like he doesn’t own you, but he worships you.

“I love you.” you mumbled against his swollen lips, his eyes dilated, rubbing his nose against yours, “I love you” maneuvering your hips, squelching can be heard - sticky as honey, as the pace picked up.

Your fingers grip his soft fluffy hair, his balls slapping against your ass, “I love you, Tony.” You sucked on his bottom lip. He whimpered. His cock was coated in your juices, you can feel the swelling of his balls, and his uneven jerking movements -- he was close.

“Cum for me, baby.” Tony’s eyes were shut, he mewled, “Cum inside me, give me a baby, Tony.” The dam breaks. The window bursts open from a gust of wind, the full moon gleamed upon your sweaty sheen bodies, a howl erupts from Tony -- as the wolf within has been unhinged -- primal, feral fueled lust.

Toothy grin, all fangs lunged for your pulse point, devouring you. Squirted juices spray from you, splashing against his toned stomach, not once stopping, riding through the orgasm. Tony’s tongue peaked out, droplets of your cum sprinkling his mouth.

Your vision turns white, an inhuman scream leaves you, Tony collapses onto you.

He’s trembling, frightened, you massage his dome, “My sweet boy.” Tony sobs into your chest, ensnaring himself around your torso. You hugged him, cradling like a baby, as he cried water-falls.

“It’s okay.” You kiss his head, a lingering one, “It’s going to be alright.”

You’re all he has.

[mysmegrace]

can i pls request the rfa comforting mc bc she is really stressed because of school (they find her crying because something a teacher said to her)

hello anon! of course! we've all been there and i know how overwhelming it is. if this is happening to you and you wanna chat, i'm always open <3 btw i'm gonna write the mc as a college student because of the romantic nature of this fic. if you would like another fic that has all the rfa members together helping you platonically, feel free to ask! stay safe <3

RFA Comforting an MC that is Stressed because of School

---

yoosung kim:

today was a tough one to say the least.

you were up until 2am last night doing an excessive amount of homework only for the professor to put you down for a few questions you got wrong.

as you laid in your bed looking out the window besides you, your mind keep replaying the scene over and over again.

almost like it wanted to torture you.

the professor piercing through your soul with the rage he held in his eyes.

the degrading words he spewed at you, calling you every insult in the book.

and worst of all, he did it in front of everybody.

you have never felt so embarrassed.

these replaying memories made you cuddle up with your bundled blanket and simply start to sob.

you couldn't understand why people were so cruel sometimes.

little to your knowledge, yoosung was planning a date night out to celebrate your 100th day anniversary.

the professor had got you so upset that you forgot about the occasion.

so low and below, 15 minutes into your sob session was when yoosung came in unexpectedly.

the flowers he carried in his hand quickly dropped.

he ran to your sobbing figure and gave you an awkward hug from behind.

that was when you came to your senses and shot right up.

he looked at you like he had just seen a ghost.

his forehead written with concern.

your tired red eyes were a clear giveaway of your upset state.

there was no way you were covering this up.

yet you couldn't continue holding back your tears in front of him.

so he brought you to his chest as you sobbed for the second time tonight.

throughout your cries, you were explaining what the day has done to you.

how the professor belittled you to the point you had been on the verge of crying yourself to sleep.

yoosung listened closely, rubbing your back while you got it all out.

he decided that the date night could wait, and he would dedicate these nightly hours to comforting you.

he give you many reassurances throughout your time together.

he always validated your feelings.

he always looked at you with intense love and care.

he always told you how smart and stunning you are.

his actions made you cheer up a bit.

you were still on edge, but you knew it would get better eventually.

everything would turn out okay with this man by your side.

hyun ryu / zen:

you were only on the bus coming home, but your tears already started to flow.

the professor made a complete mockery out of you.

you felt hurt to your core.

he insulted everything about you, completely going off.

at first, you figured he had a bad day and was just finding someone to let it out on.

but as the insults kept spewing, they became incredibly more personal.

nothing was safe.

the way your nose crunched when you smiled was "ugly".

the sweet tone of your speaking was deemed "annoying".

the way your hair bounced when you walked was seen as "repulsive".

nobody had hurt you so much and your mind couldn't cope with it.

through silent tears on the bus, as you reached your stop you stopped them within an instant.

zen would be waiting for you at home.

the last thing you wanted to do was make him worried about you with the addition of his insanely busy day.

repressing the tears, you eventually made it to the front door of your now shared home.

the door sounded when you arrived, alerting zen as he went to meet you at the doorframe.

you pulled out your most convincing fake smile and greeted him.

but you could tell when the mix of confusion and concern flashed over his face.

apparently your eyes had given you away.

but you didn't remember them being puffy or red.

however, zen knows you like the back of his hand.

like the soulmate he was, he could read your soul through your eyes.

he embraced you and encouraged you to tell him what was wrong.

but you wouldn't budge.

he gently tried again, but to no avail.

lost on what to do, he embraced you again.

but this time, he wasn't letting go.

and that was enough to make the tears start pouring out.

you were both standing in silence.

the only sounds bouncing off the walls were those of your tearing cries.

once you had calmed down a bit, he calmly asked you what happened.

and when you explained, his body filled with rage.

who let the professor be so rude to you??

in true zen fashion, his first instinct was to reprimanded the teacher face to face.

the sound of your next cry made him rethink his protentional course of action.

you were right here in front of him, so broken and hurt.

you were his first priority, not mr. dumbfuck.

and out came the words that always made you feel so loved and protected.

he reminded you of your beauty and his love towards you.

he had seen you as a goddess for the time since he's met you.

your evening was very laidback after the ordeal.

tonight would be focused on you.

jaehee kang:

you had been sitting up at your computer with the event that tore you down so significantly in the back of your head.

you couldn't take it anymore.

how could a person be so rude because of a simple mistake?

however, you couldn't just cry right here right now.

your love was sitting beside you afterall.

so you ever so subtly left the room.

you felt so numb while walking to the only room the insured complete privacy in the apartment.

or so you thought.

closing the door behind you, you were met with the reflection of your face.

the one he had broke apart and shattered.

you started to cry uncontrollably.

you watched as your eyes turned visibly irritated, your mouth turned downwards ever so slightly.

you felt so numb inside, yet the gem-like tear that rolled down your cheek was a reminder of your living form.

the noise leaving your mouth wasn't loud.

but it wasn't quiet.

however, it was enough for jaehee to hear.

confused, she left her chair.

the sharp pain in her shoulder was a reminder for her to get up and stretch a bit.

following the tears, her feet met the bottom of the washroom door.

knocking softly, waiting for an answer.

yet nothing but the crying noises rang out.

so she tried again, calling your name in the softest tone she could produce.

you heard.

and you were now in a state of panic.

how would you explain this to her?

you didn't want to get her involved or worried over you.

but you knew you eventually had to come forward to her face to face.

hesitantly, you opened the door.

just a crack.

not enough to expose the entirety of your broken face, but enough to make subtle eye contact.

your efforts were short lived.

she took the door, moving it open to see you fully a few seconds later.

her first thought was to hug you, hence the tight embrace you quickly found yourself in.

you couldn't hold it back any longer.

so you remained in her arms crying for the next couple of minutes.

not long after, you started spilling out the entire story.

she was enraged alongside you.

but, being more rational, she knew there was nothing much she could do about it.

so she just listened and understood you.

she validated your emotions, making sure you knew you weren't going crazy and that it was okay to feel upset.

eventually, you find yourselves on the washroom floor.

sitting together, basking in each others love.

your worries were washed away by the woman you would continue to love as long as your life allowed you to.

jumin han:

your soon to be husband was waiting for your presence with a bottle of wine to share for the evening.

the only thing he was waiting to be finished was your class.

he felt at peace knowing his private driver would be picking you up safely.

what he hadn't expected however, was the message he was given by the driver.

on the way to jumin's penthouse, the driver had quickly sent jumin a text.

the text read "i'm texting to briefly let you aware of mc's status. mc appears to be healthy but in an emotional state. i suggest you have tissues prepared for her."

you, on the other hand, had been getting ready to hide your upset state.

you knew the man jumin was.

he would have the professor fired as soon as he heard of the disgusting things he had said to you.

you were never one to escalate things to that extent.

you would rather let both parties go on with their lives.

plus jumin's schedule was stressful enough already.

you didn't want to add onto that.

so with your lines to convince jumin that you were alright, you got out of the car, swiftly heading up to the penthouse.

he greeted you with a sad expression.

almost as if he was prepared to be upset with you.

you gave a confused look, trying to convince him that sadness wasn't even on your mind.

his hand reached out to you, containing a tissue.

you, still giving off the vibe of "i'm not upset", pushed his hand back gently.

now it was his turn to be confused.

only his was genuine.

the tears were building up in your eyes.

"fuck, not now" you thought.

his hand reached out again, questioning you.

you couldn't hold up anymore and gave up on hiding it.

taking the tissue, you started balling your eyes out.

rambling words about your feelings towards what the professor said.

how he had brought your very existence down to nothing but dirt.

jumin was listening, but planning what he could do to the professor at the same time.

this behaviour was simply unacceptable.

you couldn't convince him otherwise.

but in the meanwhile, he was determined to comfort the crying beauty in front of him.

much like everyone else, he reassured you of everything.

you would never hear the end of it from him when it came to how talented and gorgeous you were.

and it didn't matter what anyone else said.

as long as he was by your side, you would survive.

it would be okay.

the rest of the night consisted of the constant reminder of your worth.

from sun rise to sun set, he would never look at another woman the way he did you.

saeyoung choi:

in some ways, online classes were harder than in person.

sure, online you could get away with cheating easier (though you were never like that), you could take naps comfortably in between classes, you wouldn’t have to get dressed.

looking at it like that, it doesn’t seem so bad.

unfortunately that was not the case for you.

your professor used this as an opportunity to diminish you to your core.

he would send you private messages talking about how stupid you were, how you failed in every possible way.

even going as far as saying you were a waste of space in the classroom.

that someone much better could’ve taken your place.

and all of that made online learning incredibly hard for you.

you would participate in classes from the side of your bed.

saeyoung laying right besides you, listening in like the goof he is.

even going as far as to help you.

today though, the professor got extremely bold.

he had moved from sending private messages to spewing hatred in front of the entire class.

and saeyoung heard all of it.

he reached over to your laptop and exited out of the classroom.

he didn’t want to listen to you endure that any longer.

at first, it looked like his words didn’t bother you.

perhaps you were used to it at this point.

but once saeyoung asked if you were okay, you couldn’t control the tears starting to run down your face.

you were so tired of being treated like shit, and saeyoung completely understood.

he was baffled that a professor would say something so cruel out in the open.

you two laid there in silence, a peaceful silence.

you explained how this had been happening for a long time. 

however, you just wanted to get over it.

you went on with your day, but saeyoung could tell that it still bothered you.

so he did what he does best.

with a little bit of this and a little bit of that, you meet a new professor the next day.

he announced how he was taking the place of the previous professor after he had lost his job.

you turned behind you with a shocked smile, and saw the man you loved smirking like a child.

god you loved him.

[svnflowervol666]

that dating headcanon was everything🥺 could u do an nsfw one??? l

Word Count: 1.6k

Author’s Note: SFW headcanons can be read here. Hope you enjoy, love bug!! I could go on for hours about this, but I tried to keep my rambling to a minimum. Requests are still open. Take care and tpwk.

First and foremost, Harry radiates the most soft dom energy I have ever seen in a human

I think he enjoys a good power dynmanic and kink, but at the end of the day sex to him is about having fun and doing what feels good

“Team work makes the dream work,” is something I’m almost positive his corny ass would blurt out one night post coitus when you’re both coming down from your highs

I don’t even mean this in a nsfw way (but also I do), but I genuinely believe Harry is one of those boyfriends who likes to have his hands on you as much as it is physically possible

A hand on the small of your back when you’re in public, your bare leg hiked over his while you’re watching tv, his hand resting on your knee while he drives

He’s all about intimacy, even if it isn’t sexual in nature

With this being said, it definitely does turn sexual in nature more often than not

When you’re cuddled up on the sofa watching a shitty horror film and you accidentally grind yourself against him when you reach over for your mug and then you feel him growing hard against your backside, you know you’ve got approximately 7 minutes before the movie is long forgotten and Harry’s got you spread out on the cushions

He’s much more of a giver than he is a receiver 

(But let’s be honest he certainly doesn’t mind kicking back and letting you do all of the work from time to time)

He gets off knowing he’s the one getting YOU off

It’s almost addictive to him

So, clearly, he loves going down on you

One too many times have you been stirred from your sleep to feel Harry’s stubble grazing your stomach and moving down towards your navel and you know exactly what he wants

But he won’t give it all to you that easily

He teases you until you’re squirming and practically bucking your hips up into his lips, anything to feel more friction against the heat that Harry has created

Tiny, featherlight kisses on the insides of your thighs and around your core

Everywhere but where you need him the most

He thinks it makes you taste even sweeter knowing how badly you want his tongue on you

He loves eating you until your thighs are trembling and he has to force them to stay open by gripping them so harshly that you end up with ring marks pressed into your skin

He takes care of you, meaning he refuses to stop until he makes you cum

Not in an aggressive way, just that he doesn’t see the point in having sex if the two of you aren’t having equally as much fun, ya know?

As far as actual sex goes, Harry is a powerhouse

He’s got more stamina out of anyone you’ve ever met, and it sometimes has you wondering if he’s even human sometimes

He can go for quite literally hours without letting up even a tiny bit, his hips drilling into you until you’ve got bruises and are sore the next morning

Only to add to how much of a little shit we all know Harry is, watching you limp around his house the next morning is one of the most satisfying and entertaining things to him

I think he is the king of trying out new positions and working out what feels right and what doesn’t, but he’ll always prefer some good old fashioned missionary over any kinky, yoga sex position

It’s more intimate and personal to him, being able to see how pleasure washes over your face as he drives himself further and further into you

How your bodies are as close together as they can possibly be

It’s simple, but when you love someone, it’s enough 

However, I get the sense that Harry is totally down to experiment in the bedroom

As I said earlier, I am certain that Harry enjoys indulging in some of his kinks every now and then

First and foremost, this man has a BREEDING KINK 

He loves filling you up with his cum and watching it overflow and seep out of you and then gathering the excess on his fingers and stuffing it back inside of you

It is somewhat of a territorial thing, marking you as his and his only

But it’s also a trust thing, that you both love each other enough to indulge in the most primitive of acts, and Harry is all about that

I’m not going to go off on a tangent about how Harry eventually gets off on the idea of breeding you to actually get you pregnant, but it’s true so it must be at least mentioned in this post

Something about seeing you round and glowing with his baby, one that you created together, makes him feel some type of way 

If it’s possible, he’s even hornier when you’re pregnant 

He loves leaning against the headboard and having you ride him with your belly in between the two of you

ANYWAYS 

Apart from the vanilla shenanigans and the massive breeding kink, I also totally see Harry as the type to have an entire marketplace of toys hidden in a trunk underneath his bed or in his closet

Whether it’s expensive leather restraints that he loves to tie you up with or an array of different types of vibrators that he loves to turn on and watch you get off without his hand, he’s got just about one of everything so he’s always prepared

There are also times when he loves to let you take control as well

Sometimes it’s when he feels the weight of the world on his shoulders and all he wants to do is let someone else take care of things for once or simply if he’s just in the mood to be submissive, the man truly has the range

But he will always reign as a soft dom

 When he’s on tour, he loves calling you to help him get off

He’ll always do the same in return for you, but he misses your presence so much while he’s away that taking care of himself alone isn’t nearly the same

Which is why you sometimes receive texts or calls at odd hours of the night from Harry asking you to talk to him while he strokes his cock

He loves watching you get off as well, so if the timing lines up, he’s prone to video chatting you so that you can both watch each other while you work your way over the edge

Not to be a crackhead, but Harry definitely bought of those Clone-A-Willy’s for you to use while he’s away

I wouldn’t say Harry’s so much into the act of risky, public sex as much as he really is just that horny and utilizes every advantage he can to get you both off, even if it means everyone knows exactly what you two were doing when you both come out of the same room with ruffled hair and are breathing heavy like you just ran a marathon

After a high energy show, when his veins are pumping with adrenaline and he swears performing makes him feel higher than any drug, he’ll beeline to the room where you were waiting for him in and have his way with you right there on the couch (or the closet, or the bathroom, or the back of his bus if he’s using one)

When he comes home from the studio to see you cooking in only one of his ratty t-shirts and your underwear, he sees no problem in hoisting you up on the cold, marble countertop and letting his dinner burn in the name of a good shag

I also think Harry is an angry sex type of guy as well

The last thing he wants is to hold grudges over you, so if you’re arguing and only going in circles and Harry is well aware you both will be over whatever it was that you were mad about in the morning, said argument usually ends abruptly when Harry backs you up against the wall and smashes his lips against yours

His thrusts are even more intense and sharp and you can see the slight snarl in his lip as he grips the headboard harshly and properly makes a mess of you

Harry really is an every-occasion guy when it comes to sex and that is a given, but I also think he leans on sex when he’s sad or upset?

Like if he’s just having a day where everything is getting under his skin and he feels small, he comes to you with those lust blown, yet dull-looking eyes that let you know he really just needs you right now

You let him take what he needs, because he does more for you than you could ever explain with words and if what he needs is a little bit of sex to make everything feel okay, even if it’s only temporary relief, it’s the least you feel like you can do

To feel his hips roll lazily into yours and to feel his warm breath trailing all over your face and maybe the occasional tear fall from his cheek that you brush away with your thumb as you cradle his face

Times like these often resort in cockwarming, where Harry just needs to feel you and know that you’re there and you’re not going anywhere

He tries not to let things get to him and often regrets the ways he choses to cope with how he sometimes thinks he’ll never catch a break, but he always talks when he’s ready, so nothing ever goes unmentioned

Plus, he knows he’d do the same thing for you in a heart beat

Harry is the softest lover and those are just the facts!

[wroammin]

a hero’s welcome

word count: 1445

warnings: self-loathing, panic attacks, crying, slight gore (because remus)

summary: roman hides out in his room after the events of putting others first. the other sides try to show him how much he’s missed in their own special ways.

once again, happy birthday to the man, the myth, the himbo: roman sanders

it takes weeks for roman to come out of his room after janus reveals his name.

the others worry almost constantly about his well-being, but after multiple failed attempts at convincing him to come out for movie nights, video recordings, or even just food, they can only hope that roman will come around on his own eventually.

and he does. slowly.

it starts with a few missing disney movies from the TV cabinet, a half-eaten jar of logan’s off-limits crofter’s (which both logan & remus swear they did not touch) left mysteriously on the kitchen counter, and then, on one particularly late night for logan, a brief, silent encounter with a bleary-eyed prince in search of a cup of water.

logan notices roman is looking more bedraggled than bedazzled, with wrinkles running all across his costume and dark-colored bags under his eyes that are eerily reminiscent of virgil’s eyeshadow.

no words are exchanged, but as logan carefully hands roman a glass which he’s filled nearly to the brim, roman knows no words are necessary. he can practically recite logan’s self-care spiel by memory anyway.

eventually, the disney movie collection in the TV cabinet dwindles down to a Frozen DVD (which they’d all recently rewatched anyway), and the old, dusty VHS copy of Black Cauldron (which roman’s never particularly liked). seeing as it’s his personal favorite disney movie, virgil tries not to feel too offended by that.

what virgil can’t stop himself from feeling, however, is worry. it’s not an unfamiliar feeling to him, of course, but it doesn’t make him any less uncomfortable.

he tries all of the usual things to calm his nerves: sitting on strange surfaces, fiddling with a fidget cube, rewatching The Nightmare Before Christmas, napping excessively, and—naturally—blasting music through his bulky headphones.

but even with My Chemical Romance screaming out of his speakers, virgil simply can’t ignore the alarming absence of that familiar, sash-framed figure. 

despite his quarrelsome quips with the prince, virgil can admit that there’s always been a certain... comfort to hearing roman’s boisterous voice belting broadway ballads down the halls, or seeing him dash off on another adventure to defeat the dragon witch for the umpteenth time. 

it’s when virgil’s sullenly staring at roman’s usual spot, in the corner of his room, that an idea suddenly strikes him. 

the next morning, roman sneaks down to the living room in the early hours of the day after deciding that rewatching Frozen (again) doesn’t sound so bad after all. he opens the movie cabinet to find a bit of a surprise in the form of a The Nightmare Before Christmas DVD with a scrap of paper taped hastily to the cover. the chicken scratch scrawled onto the sheet is hard to decipher, but he manages to see it reads:

“i have my own backup copy and i’ll hit play at 8pm tonight. you can do it too, so then we can sort of watch the movie together. i’ll let you pick tomorrow’s movie, if you want to, but fyi i will be picking black cauldron the next time it’s my turn. -virgil”

roman smiles subtly as he makes his way back up to his room, the first flicker of joy he’s felt in a while.

he sits down to watch the movie at 8pm, just like virgil instructed. 

for the next night, he chooses aladdin, and for the night after that, he begrudgingly agrees to watch black cauldron. 

twenty minutes into the film, virgil hears a haste knock at his door. before he even knows what’s happening, roman is shuffling inside and curling up on the couch next to him. 

unsurprisingly, the tired prince falls asleep before the movie finishes. surprisingly, virgil doesn’t actually mind all that much. 

meanwhile, patton has nearly eaten his way through the entire cookie stock in the pantry.

it’s not a healthy coping mechanism for his sadness, he knows, but it’s not like he can just go and ask roman to conjure up some puppies for him instead. patton sniffles at the thought, which serves as a painful reminder of how roman was always there for him when he was feeling down, and how patton can’t do the same for him now.

the others hold an intervention for him after logan finds him sobbing over some reheated spaghetti because it made him think of roman. virgil then explains how he’s been watching movies with roman, and how patton can leave some snacks for the prince in the cabinet along with a note if he wants to send a message. 

that very night, patton stays up past midnight to prepare some spaghetti with extra, extra love (& cumin) for roman. he draws him a card and writes a message inside, then sticks it to the top of the tupperware container containing the spaghetti using glitter glue. 

upon discovering patton’s care package beside virgil’s usual note inside the cabinet, roman feels his mood suddenly shift.

he thinks of the days he spent sobbing for hours inside of his room and staring in the mirror and pacing back and forth and staring in the mirror and laying on his bed and staring in the mirror and working through the tears and staring in the mirror and then slicing a line clean through the mirror with his sword and watching his reflection split in two.

those weren’t good days.

but then he thinks of patton’s pleading, hopeful voice whenever he would call him down for movie nights, video recordings, or food.

maybe patton wasn’t lying when he said roman was loved. maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to see him and the others out in the open again. maybe there were better days ahead.

remus, however, doesn’t wait around for roman to feel better. as always, he continuously swings by his brother’s room whenever he feels like it and leaves whenever he pleases.

still, his visits aren’t as fun anymore. perhaps he just doesn’t have the energy, but roman no longer bothers to shriek at remus to get out of his room or to push remus off his desk when he drapes himself across it.

not even the severed, mutilated head that remus kindly leaves on roman’s pillow elicits its usual slew of creative curse words, so the duke decides to step up his game.

he skips casually into roman’s room one late afternoon, lazily swinging his morning star at his side and whistling a jaunty tune. as usual, roman doesn’t spare him a single glance. he’s staring down at some kind of crayon-covered card.

it only takes one hit to knock roman out, but dragging him into the living room is a much more difficult process.

the other sides are already waiting, just like janus promised they would be. they rush over and prop roman up on the couch. patton gives remus a few reprimanding words, virgil sends him a couple scowls, and even logan looks on with more disapproval than usual, but they quickly forget their anger at him as soon as roman groans groggily and slowly blinks open his eyes.

remus takes that as his cue to leave. janus is waiting at the top of the stairs.

“so you’re sure that this plan of yours is going to work?”

janus scoffs. “of course i am. though, have you considered that perhaps you’re just not as annoying to your brother anymore?”

“have you considered that perhaps i could start leaving chopped heads on your pillow instead if your ‘master plan’ fails?” remus shoots him the prettiest, toothiest smile he can muster.

janus’ expression darkens. “well. i suppose it’s a good thing i’m certain it will work, then.”

the sound of laughter bubbles up from the living room. janus doesn’t bother to hide his satisfied smirk.

“i’ll say, when you told me you could help me get roman back to normal, forcing him to attend a party was not what i had in mind.”

“do i even want to know what you had in mind?” janus gives him a quick side glance.

remus’ eyes light up. “well–”

“rhetorical question, remus. ugh, maybe i should start saying ‘figuratively’, as well. anyway, yes, i thought it was about time roman stopped sulking. so, what better way to get him out of his room than by having a, uh, hero’s welcome of sorts for him?”

“well, i got him out of his room by dragging him by his feet.”

janus sighs, wondering why he even opens his mouth to speak anymore. 

his plan better work.

though, judging by the sound of patton and logan’s exhasperated sighs as roman and virgil argue over which movie to watch, he has the sneaking suspicion it will.

[terminalchaos]

Hiya!

I thought for my second post, I’d do a bit about my symptoms and what lead me to getting my diagnosis. Obviously it’s different for everyone, and I got extremely lucky. So bare that in mind! Warning: I get a bit sweary in this one. I have a lot of feelings about it.

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The city I live in, Melbourne, is officially the most locked-down city in the world in relation to COVID-19. After what has been a fucking exhausting few years, we are well and truly over it at this point. But what I didn’t realise going into the first lockdown (last year at some point) was how much I would suffer, and how badly this whole crock of absolute bullshite would affect me. 

Last year in the first lockdown, I was a full-time university student, working as a medical transcriber and at an acting studio, facilitating workshops with directors, casting directors, etc. This was fine for about 2 weeks. Then everything started to fall apart, very slowly. I stopped going to my lectures and my tutorials. I started asking for extensions, more and more often. I had always been a last-minute student, starting essays on the day they were due, with about 3-5 hours set aside to sit and do the whole thing. Throughout school I do not think I did a single bit of homework on time, unless it was something I genuinely wanted to do. I often just didn’t do it, copped a detention, and moved on with my life. 

This is extremely aggravating to me now, seeing that I was around hundreds of educated adults, and. Not. A. Single. Fucking. One. Either knew I was displaying symptoms of ADHD, or cared enough to try and help me. I don’t know what’s worse. It was simply punish the bad student, who never did their homework, and never studied, and never revised, and always forgot the in-class tests, and always struggled with remembering things. So, I adjusted. I still never did my homework, but I stopped caring about classes. I was rude to teachers who were rude to me, and would snap back at any teacher who didn’t show me the same respect they expected from me.

I was so, so angry.

It was completely unfair. I didn’t know why I was the only person who couldn’t do these basic things, like getting my planner signed after every week. So I resorted back to the things society told me I was: stupid, incompetent, lazy. That lead to a not great mindset, which lasted from the ages of about 13-20. I still struggle with a lot of these things, but in different contexts.

Anyway, the ways I coped at school started to fall apart at university. And they really fell apart with lockdown. Being in my house for 23 hours a day, with incredibly stringent rules, meant my ADHD just pent up. I couldn’t do anything. Not even things I wanted to do, and the pressure of deadlines weren’t enough to prod my brain into action. I just couldn’t do anything.

I figured this wasn’t normal, and one day I saw a post on ADHD in AFAB people. I read through it, and it resonated with me. Odd, I don’t have excess energy. In fact, I would oversleep constantly. Often, 12 hours a night wasn’t enough for me, and I would fall asleep at 2am. Caffeine would put me to sleep! My partner at the time would be on my back about how much I slept, constantly. He didn’t understand my ADHD presentation, which is reasonable, because I didn’t either. He would get irritated because the second I got any money, I wouldn’t save it. I’d buy things. I’d constantly put on weight because I would buy sugary snacks whenever I could. I would say yes to anything that would give me a second of joy.

When you have ADHD, your dopamine is running on empty. So everything you do is to try and boost your dopamine. It leads to a lot of behaviours that people see as irresponsible and reckless, because they can be. But it’s because our brains are screaming out for dopamine hits, however big, however long lasting. Now I know this, and can stop myself before doing these dopamine-seeking behaviours (the medications obviously help).

Reading this post about ADHD, I didn’t immediately do a deep-dive of research. I forgot about it for a while. I remembered my mum telling me when I was young that I “probably had some form of ADD, or something like that” after I spilled my guts about something that had been on my mind. I would start talking, and not stop. More and more of these little pieces started clicking. Then, I started doing actual research. I can’t remember details because, y’know, ADHD. But these symptoms started making sense. Not being able to control my impulses? Check. I am obscenely impulsive. Not being able to keep relationships? Check. Half of my friends from school in England I wanted to keep in contact with, I had completely deserted. Memory issues, not being able to keep a routine, missing deadlines, having slightly “kooky” interests, hyperfocusing, the paralysis I would feel when there were so many things to do, and I just sat in bed for 6 hours doing nothing, not eating.

I sat and cried on my partner’s bed while he comforted me. I cried over the fact I had an answer. I wasn’t stupid. I wasn’t lazy. 

From there, I pursued a diagnosis. This was tricky: I tried three different clinics (one of which lost my referral 4 times! Shout out Alfred Road Clinic lol), and emailed different ADHD psychiatrists like crazy. I got no responses.

6 months after my initial referral, I cried to my family about how frustrating it was, knowing what was wrong with me, knowing there was treatment, but not being able to access it. Imagine how frustrating it is not being able to do anything, knowing there is a way to help, but not having access to it.

Eventually, a few strings were tugged, and I got an appointment in June 2021. July 2021, I was put on Vyvanse 30mg by my psychiatrist.

The first day I took my medication, I sat and did my Korean homework for 2 hours. Then, I sat and cried. I have never concentrated for 2 hours on demand like that.

I was furious, relieved, and incredibly sad for the 23 years I had lost, feeling like my body and mind were two separate entities. Having all these things I wanted to achieve, and achieving none. I learnt so many things were coping mechanisms I used to balance my ADHD brain: trying to be early as possible to avoid being late. Notes on my phone reminding me of everything I need to do. Double checking things three, four times.

All these things I wanted to try, and having tried none. Not being able to exercise as it made me sleepy and I never felt the benefits. Finding certain things unbearable for no reason. Getting in trouble for stupid things just because I couldn’t convince myself the dopamine payoff would be worth it. Having built nearly no skills as a young person because I had no direction. This was compounded by my want to achieve, but feeling that I couldn’t do anything, because this invisible barrier kept me in a snowglobe of my own shame and frustration. All because my stupid fucking brain was too busy trying to get hits of dopamine whenever and wherever it could. 

I thought about how my A Level results would have been different if any of the adults in my life had clocked this when I was 13.

I thought about the things I could have achieved if anyone had thought to investigate just a little further.

I still cry about these things. The me that was prevented from living by ADHD taunts me from another dimension. Cow.

I needed to start to get to know myself without the dopamine addict brain. What I want to achieve, what was now possible, and how to avoid feeling like I will never achieve anything I want to. My main goal is to start having 3 meals a day, something I have never, ever been able to sustainably do. I’m still working on this.

[beingdreeyore]

Sorry if this is intrusive, but I've been following your trajectory with this guy and I actually gasped when I read he broke up with her. And I did a little dance. (Is that wrong??) I'm sorry he's in pain and is feeling lost now... that sucks. I'm sure you're a little frazzled and unsure what's coming next, but wow! I'm really rooting for you guys. I hope he takes his space to see how bad his last relationship was.

Thank you for reaching out.

The pain he is in is awful. I think most of us know the pain that comes with ending a relationship (whether it was for the right reason or not) and we just wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Frazzled is an understatement... I'm just trying to manage the sadness and anxiety that the whole situation is creating within myself. There is so much uncertainty right now in terms of what this all means... I'm so terrified he's going to go back to her. Terrified he won't but he will push me away. Terrified he will just leave me waiting... Terrified of all the uncertainty and not knowing what's happening and whether he has changed his mind and whether I fit in anywhere anymore. Blah blah blah...

I also didn't handle our last interaction well, so to know that he will be seeing her... She has a massive advantage over me there. She gets to see him and she's a beautiful woman. While he's taking space from me I just can't compete with any of that. She will be right there in front of him. Whereas I won’t because he’s asked for space. It would be so easy for him to forget what we have here... To go back to her because it's easier... To be too bruised from the way I handled that last interaction to be able to see what we have clearly...

I like being the person he turns to, someone he can lean on, but I really fucked up in our last interaction. I basically offered no support or comfort because I was struggling to manage my own emotions. I hate that I messed up so badly and was so selfish. 

So to say there is a little fear is probably me making the understatement of the year. How best to manage all that... I have no clue, so I'm just doing the best I can (while also admitting that I have been excessively beating myself up over how I handled our last interaction and that probably isn't helping). I'm making errors and it isn't always pretty, but I'm trying to do better. The purchase of the boots was obviously not my best work at coping well with uncertainty and anxiety...

Thanks for reaching out though. It's interesting - the few friends I have told have all said a very similar thing to what you've said. It seems to be the general feeling about it all... It's nice that so many people want good things for me and trust my judgement here.

S x