#as you can see because i can't handle reality i put her in the novel design

[licorishh]

no way she's alive ?? yea those mental health breaks because social media makes people suck are wild huh

[lexpressobean]

I've been thinking about these 3 alot...

... and how much they seem to really respect Shino. I know it's a filler, but, like... Why does it seem like Shino has a knack for finding children who have wondered off away from school? Like, he's just taking a walk, making his way around the village or surrounding forest, and then there they are. Kids playing hooky or some shit. And Shino just takes it upon himself to approach them and steer them back to where they should be, while getting them attached to him somehow in the process??

But honestly. If this was just one of many times this had happened, I'd say Shino does this not out of his knack for teaching or having a way with kids. Rather, he developed a way with kids and easily applies that to his teaching because he has a strong desire to simply protect children. And it's not even from some paternal instinct as much as survival, because I think it stems from the developing trauma of losing Torune to Danzo. And I don't think it's all subconscious either.

Like I know the novel and anime frames his desicion to teach as a sort of a new goal in life as the war has ended for a couple years already and a noticable Peace has been achieved by the Blank Period and well... He's an Aburame.

Like, the Aburame are literal living, breathing, walking bioweapons. With no fight to utilize that, what else is there? Well, much like the Nara have the Nara forest and Pharmacology specifically, The Aburame most likely have a historical stake in the area of Konoha, perhaps it was simply in their Ancestral Home. Idk, but they're here to stay, they ain't budging. They're Clan Culture is very Martial and I'd argue Spartan in nature, but otherwise, they do other things too. I think they'd do well as major players in the conservation and research of native species of animals and plants, but definitely insects too. I bet they play a huge part in the general area's ecosystem, especially due to the fact that the Kamizuru clan attacked with a whole clan's worth of non-native Hymenoptera that could very well have become and still are an irritatingly and consistent problem as invasive species tend to be. And as a far as goods go, why not put some of them to use and handle an apiary? Honey is a great good to sell. All of this is great as a clan that no longer needs to fight. But, what about individual members in general, and so Shino?

Well Shino is the Heir of this clan. This Noble Clan. This "ready to throw hands at any moment" clan. It's future is in his hands, so to speak. So I doubt Shino would completely sever his connection to Shinobi life all together. And so, teaching at the Academy would be a great way to keep that connection. Teachers have to know their stuff, after all.

But what if in order to ensure teaching was his calling, Shino did his absolute best to make Jounin ASAP so he could take on a Genin Team. And. And by chance, it ended up being these three?? And they are absolutely STOKED!!! And they also pass Shino's genin test, which... would probably be a feat in it's own right. But they already know Shino, and Shino has bestowed upon them some wisdom they actually took to heart! Yeah, well, in reality they might be just a tad too old to be Shino's first official genin squad, but they were still his squad one point in a sense, right?

Kon Nohara, Tano Ikemoto, and Aoki Kobayashi

I even gave them names help Imagine these three are already chuunin at least and decide they want to pay Shino a visit and even volunteer to help Shino during class time on a collective day off because they admire him so much (T~T)

But even then if not these three kiddos, maybe these three li'l shits lol

Even in times of Peace, Shino's special set of skills seem too useful to waste, and being a Jounin teacher would definitely have been a way he could still go on missions, but also definitely commit to becoming a Sensei at the academy once he was 100% sure and got older. Kurenai became a Jounin/Genin Squad Leader in her late twenties, but in comparison I see Shino doing that more mid-20s. (He needs some time to travel and find his big bug friend and generally live a little?)

Kurenai was a Genjutsu Specialist who manned a Tracker/Sensing based team. This sounds like it was a highly beneficial combination, even if she ended up being somewhat sadistic lol. Asuma was bound to Team 10 by Tradition as InoShikaCho and Sarutobi have that Pact together. Kakashi's team was literally Cherry Picked for him specifically by the 3rd Hokage. And Gai, a Taijutsu Specialist, had a team that Specialized in Taijutsu and Physical Offense.

Of all four teams, Kurenai and Gai were very suited to their teams, Gai in a complimentary way and Kurenai in a Challenging way. In that same vein, I think Shino would imitate Gai. Shino as a Shinobi himself has a general set of skills, but the way he goes about them are very niche. But, he was always very stealthy, and could sneak up on nearly anyone. Gags aside, he could go unnoticed as long as he wanted too, and by the time he was noticed or was ready to attack, he has you quite literally surrounded. Honestly I can see why Search and Destroy would be an Aburame's forte, but when there's no need, a person with a personal skill of high quality stealth could probably man a team with an emphasis on Reconnaissance and/or Surveillance, even Bodyguarding. I feel like Shino would probably put an emphasis on Stealth and Tracking too, utilizing his insects as sort of assistants that keep tabs on his students (Stealth Test) as well as to encourage just enough fear during too much down time in his students to inspire quality training opportunities, so maybe Kurenai rubbed off on Shino more than they all realized haha

(Plus I'm sure his students would be be smart and thoughtful enough to eventually understand what Shino and his bugs are: a complete unit. They realize just how strong and dedicated Sensei really is to be the way he is, and they all learn more in depth about Kikaichu and it's like WOW SENSEI YOU REALLY ARE RISKING BEING EATEN ALIVE EVERY SINGLE DAY, AREN'T YOU? But he's still here, because THAT'S how strong he's become over the years and the confidence to manipulate the Kikaichu while having to think of current chakra level, the most efficient use at any given time, how many he actually needs, how long usage will last, ect. They are high maintenance, man!)

Shino would no doubt produce highly skilled Bodyguards and Masters of Stealth. Maybe the type that would end up being in high demand for the eventual Celebrities that start to pop up as times change, but still very much needed when it comes to Criminal Activity, like in Sora-Ku?

But as time passes and he decided to teach at the Academy, he'd feel very at ease to do so. He'd be happy to be put in charge of all these children, because he would be able to help teach them things they need to know to defend themselves and others in a world where adults like Danzo had and will continue to exist. Maybe while he's at it, he'd use his stance as a Noble Clan Heir and accomplished Shinobi to push for changes in government with Sai's help and with Naruto and Shikamaru's cooperation? Like, the truth does come out, everyone on the Council were actually horrible and had too much power. So HERE are some ideas and REASONS why these ideas should be implemented because Shino's not going to let his brother's life and death be in vain!? HELL no, we WILL make some changes around here. Shino sees his students and just wants a future where no kid ever has to live in fear of being completely taken advantage of by the very system that was supposed to keep them safe and they pledged allegiance to.

I cannot help but think of the quiet but absolute fear little Shino was harboring for the years to come after Torune was taken by that strange man and Father Shibi didn't even attempt to stop him. His own father didn't dare beat the shit out of this strange man who came looking for him, and the only solution for Shino to stay was for Torune to make himself look more desirable as an asset and be taken instead. I bet there was a lot of misplaced resentment there for a while, and talks that just didn't happen. Maybe a classmate doesn't show up to class one day and Shino is IMMEDIATELY stressed out and just... takes it upon himself to look for them after class. And he's relieved when he see they're simply at home with a fever. Shit like that just fucks with Shino, because theres people taking kids and no one is doing anything about it?? And then as Shino grew older he realized exactly what happened and how slimy the machine of Konoha really is and it was never completely Shibi's fault that Torune had to leave. He grows mentally at a faster rate than most of his classmates, and knows more than a kid really needs to know.

Shino doesn't want that for any other child. Shino is the kind of person who hears kids screaming outside of his house and he can't tell if they're playing or being murdered and it's stressful to the point he'll check through his window and he sees them for himself. He get stressed out seeing a kid in public unattended and WANTS to approach them to help if need be but also maybe he's overthinking it and the parents are there somewhere and he'd just end up looking suspicious. Like, that's what I kind of figure for Shino. He's so hyperaware of the power dynamic between kids and adults and seeing a kid so ready to fall victim to that makes Shino feel ill the more he thinks of what could happen. And he wonders if watching the kid in the market until they finally reunite with their parent so he could move on with the rest of his day causes him even a fraction of the the utterly disgusting flurry of nerves and fear that Shibi must have felt all those years ago. It goes along with his desire to spare every single little insect's life he can. It goes a long with the fact he only gets violent unless absolutely necessary. Like he wants to be strong but he doesn't want to go mad with power either, less he becomes the very thing that hurt him and his family in the first place.

Originally Shino wanted to become strong to be able to defend himself because at a very young age adults failed him and Torune. But then that changes to defend not only himself, but others as he grows on a team, and realizes trust is important. And then he figured if there must be adults out there that would hurt a child, it's only logical that he should become one that would only nurture and teach one to be strong as well.

Anyway, yeah. Had some feelings. Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

[iaintyourbro]

The Unknown Journey Continues

Part 1

I know it's been a while... but I've been going down a rabbit hole with @starlight-samurai regarding time loops, Jenova, Minerva, and more fun. So I figured I'd try to put it into one post to get the insanity out of my head. Everything in here is based on things we've found by either going through more obscure Ultimanias, learning more about Dirge of Cerberus and trying to decipher what the hell Jenova is by putting together various sources - including other Square Enix games - and how they handled freakishly similar scenarios.

Did you know there is a companion mobile game for it that was out on the good old flip phones? Did you know there was an online mode in Dirge of Cerberus only available in Japan, but had story elements that were not in the main game?

The sad part is, there's still so much to go through...

(I've also had various discussions with @ourfinalheaven, Manu, who doesn't have Tumblr, so here is her Twitter. and Somebody's Nightmare (here is her Twitter). So I wanted to tag them here, as it's much more fun to discuss these ideas as a group, since it'll only help you build on and strengthen your own ideas.)

Please be aware, there will be Spoilers for FFVII - Almost all Compilation titles, Xenogears, and NieR Automata throughout this.

So let's go on a journey where we explore what actually already exists in the compilation - including the idea of the whispers and timeloops - how Minerva may play into everything, and what exactly Jenova is capable of doing.

I asked Sesi if he'd ever played any of the NieR games, because he'd said something that made me wonder if they were going to take a similar approach. As a very, very quick high level summary: NieR Automata deals with a time loop type of idea. The androids will be rebooted and repeat the same things over and over again. This is broken when 2B is killed by A2 because she becomes infected with a virus. That being said, you have the option after Ending E to either erase all of your data and end the cycle OR you can try again. The Pods have a discussion, and one asks, "But won't they just do the same thing again?" and the other replies with "Maybe. But it could also be different this time."

Here's Sesi's message back to me when I asked him about this (cleaned up a bit since we were having a casual conversation over Discord):

Maybe I could just guess based comparatively on the Dirge storyline, because that was sort of SE's first flirtation with “robots and androids” since they’re all programmed and locked behind like task managers and shit that can shut them down. The story of the online mode for DoC that came out in Japan, we never got to see it, you’re basically an Android OC and you have to get to “the end of the level” and then essentially die, and a new one takes its place. This keeps happening until Weiss is essentially freed from being able to be task managed by the guys who are suppose to be able to control them and I know from tons of years with Square games that they’re verrrrry bad at differentiating their narratives they tend to just keep “ripping themselves off” so is it anything close to that?

Cuz if so I think I kinda know what you’re saying and yeah, I agree, I think with CC bringing in its poetic symbolism and LOVELESS, and DoC bringing back the cyclic nature of the lore, whispers, premonitions and future visions, proto-Materia and the perversion of this next cycle since the planet can no longer cleanse and protect itself and its will is weakening lesser and lesser to the point where it’s fate is “in a true sense of jeopardy This time essentially it’s all tied in together and sort of played as though it's a fated track; a cycle of events and something has hitched it, thus the whispers manifesting and Sephiroth's higher implied control over his destiny. Of course, even all that is just their new red herring game, but it’s definitely a part of the lore they want to play with, in order to go back and reMAKE the OG with the comp inserted from inception. Also gut punch a lot.

Time Loops

I was somewhat surprised to find out that this concept is NOT new to FFVII's universe. It's discussed in Dirge of Cerberus... probably one of the least played and least understood of the compilation. (Trying to sell a third person shooter with terrible controls to a market of mostly people used to turn-based combat wasn't going to go well.)

On top of it, we didn't even get all of it, since online mode was never released outside of Japan, and the Dirge of Cerberus Lost Episode was on Amp'd Mobile and Verizon flip phones back in 2006. Were you around for the cell phones in 2006? I had the ones on the list, and how somebody could play a game on those blows my mind.

Square has a tendency to reuse themes from their other titles. Probably one of the most blatant is the similarities between Xenogears and Final Fantasy VII. They were both being developed at the same time and a lot of ideas that didn't make it into FFVII ended up in Xenogears.

NieR

So how does this work? In NieR (both Replicant and Automata), you play the same path multiple times. Each time, it's slightly different depending on what side quests you did your first and second playthrough, but there's also other subtle differences throughout the story. In Automata, you get to play as 2B your first playthrough and 9S for your second. They follow the same path, but you get it from his perspective the second time and it reveals a bit more of what is going on. However, even with some slight differences, the main plot points stay the same and the ending result it also the same.

Then on your third playthrough, you wake up in the Bunker, and you're getting ready to go on a new mission. This time, though, 2B is killed and shit hits the fan. Things get crazy, you play as a new character: A2. In the end, pretty much everyone "dies", but you can choose to "reboot" and try again. You also can say you are done and let them all rest and delete your save data (the game gives you the option for both Automata and Replicant, and with Replicant, it actually leads to a new ending).

The striking thing for me is... There are certain events that will always happen, no matter what.

Fixed Points in Time

It's been years since I've watched Doctor Who, but there was something that stuck with me, and that was the fixed points in time. You can read about all of them here, but here's the basics:

Now, of course Doctor Who goes into this with much more detail and it's a recurring theme. However, as you read through that page, you'll probably find many aspects that have been used in various JRPGs that you've played. And Doctor Who most likely pulled some of the idea from classic Science Fiction novels. Each story puts its own spin on it.

How does this relate to FFVII Remake? Well, when they say that the major plot points will stay the same, it reminds me of this. No matter what, Cloud must fall into the Sector 5 Church, the Sector 7 Plate must be dropped, Aerith and Zack both must die, and Meteor has to be summoned, to name a few. So, with a time loop, those things would still have to take place in order to prevent a complete collapse of reality (at least in how Doctor Who uses it).

Therefore, the Whispers are ensuring that the Will of the Planet is followed.

One of the major themes in FFVII is that of loss. People die and they do not come back. Yes, other FF games do allow this to happen (FFX, FFXIII, FFXV), but VII is not those games. It was written with that idea in mind, that once a person dies, they, just like in real life, are dead and cannot be brought back.

I've previously written that I think they'll make us believe we are able to change fate, but we will eventually be slammed with the reality that we can't. That is because the planet has determined that certain events are fixed points.

Xenogears

Xenogears takes a bit of a different approach to the loop idea. Instead of repeating the same time period over and over, it has the characters reincarnated, and the same outcome happens each time: Elly dies. However, each time it's different. After all, they're in various time periods, in some cases thousands of years apart.

In all of the lives of Fei (who will have a different name in each time period) and Elly (who is always Elly/Elhaym), Elly will end up dying trying to protect Fei and the others. In one life, she is a religious figure at a totally not Catholic church, in another she's the wife of a scientist who was working to create children from nanomachines due to mass infertility issues. But she is ALWAYS with Fei, even if his name changes.

In her Mother Elhaym time, this is when Lacan (Fei) finally snaps. Though he's not fully aware of his past lives, he becomes aware, the anger consumes him, and he becomes Grahf. Fei is then reborn into the time period you play the game in.

There's a lot to unpack with this, so I won't go into it. Grahf wants to destroy God (Deus) because he thinks if he does, then it'll stop the suffering (his suffering).

If you do want to read more about Grahf, you can do so here, but it probably won't make much sense unless you've played Xenogears up to that point... Since it's much later in the game that this is all explained.

Lacan's desire was to stop the cycle of Elly always sacrificing herself for his sake. Though Grahf is not a perfect existence - he's not fully "The Contact", he sacrifices himself in order to let Fei move forward, and hopefully stop the cycle, by destroying the Deus system. (Elly also tries to sacrifice herself here, but Fei goes after her and stops her.)

Now, some people may think I'm saying that Cloud or somebody is going to do this in order to save Aerith or Zack (or his village or mom), but in FFVII if they do the loop method, I don't think Cloud, Tifa, Barret, and the others are aware of it. Most likely, it's only 'Sephiroth' and Aerith who are aware of it.

How this Could Be used for Final Fantasy VII

I'm stressing could because there's so many different possibilities on how they use this (if they are using this), so please, don't take this as fact. This is based on speculation based on what we know.

A time loop is a great way to explain away the differences in the story that we've seen: Biggs being alive, Wedge living for longer than he should have, etc. Since these are not major plot changes, they can simply say that this time it'll be slightly different... but your fixed points (major plot points) will remain the same.

It's a way to pull in some of the more obscure themes from Dirge of Cerberus and also play with the LOVELESS lore.

It could all simply be a big red herring and it's really just a remake of OG, but with the compilation tied together nicely... since it works much better when it's combined and not in 50 different games, books, movies, etc.

I don't think it's a "sequel" per say, not in the way I generally perceive a sequel. It's more of a loop of the same thing. The question is, when is the loop started and what will cause it to end? When will the planet (if it even is the planet) determine that it's good enough to begin moving forward?

JENOVA, Sephiroth, Genesis, and Minerva - Oh My!

Let's be real... Genesis isn't exactly the most popular character in the FFVII Compilation... but what if they make him one of the most important to the story? //Ducks as various fruits and vegetable are thrown in my direction//

I think what Genesis is probably most known for is his love of LOVELESS. He has the entire thing memorized and randomly says lines from it throughout Crisis Core. LOVELESS lore is still something I'm trying to grasp, so I am not going to comment much on it. Once I understand it more, I'll update this.

...And then this happens. The secret ending for Dirge of Cerberus, where Genesis picks up Weiss. Weiss, who has now been introduced along with Nero in FFVII INTERmission and is an optional ridiculously hard boss in the Shinra battle simulator in chapter 17 of the main story. There is some lore associated with the battle sim - so if you don't plan on beating it or you just can't, you can look up the pre-battle and post-battle cut scenes on YouTube. They're very short, but interesting. (I beat this asshole last night - it's a hell of a fight.)

....To Be Continued because apparently Tumblr won't allow more than 10 images per post now.... Next will be more on JENOVA and Sephiroth along with Minerva.

[everafterkeiji]

Song: Certain Things by James Arthur

Summary: When the setter's decision led him to a war with his heart.

Pairings: Keiji Akaashi x fem! reader

Word count: 5.3k

Genre: angst

A/N: i used to listen to this song nonstop and it just suited how sad this is so no happy endings for this one🤺

"Keiji!"

You watch as she runs up to him, engulfing him in the sweetest hug you could ever imagine. How you envy the feeling of being welcome in his arms. His eyes soften at the sight of her, as she rambled on how amazing he was. He gives her his heart fluttering smile as he lets his palm set on her shoulder, kindly thanking her for watching and supporting him throughout the entire game.

Did your shouts of love become silent to him?

She grabs his towel, patting it lightly on his forehead as he blushes finding the gesture extremely embarassing for the girl he longs for to just wipe away his sweat. He tries to stop her but she insisted, even grabbing her water bottle and giving it to him, asking him to drink some water and rest.

"Hey hey hey- look at me please."

Bokuto says, coming from behind you. You turn to him with water baring eyes, a heartache eating you up with every second you continue to watch. Bokuto sighs as he pulls you in his arms, his chin resting on your crown, as he caresses your hair as you let out an agonizing sob. Bokuto sees the way Akaashi didn't bother to spare them a glance, as Akaashis overall being was captivated by the girl that was beside him. He coes her, whispering how he's got her and he'll never have the courage to let her go, the way the dark haired boy did.

"We won today yeah? Why don't we celebrate?" Bokuto tries to tone his voice in his usual cheery self but feels defeated when he sees her. Y/N looks up at him, he tenses up as he holds your head, an instinct that you were going to look again. You were mid way into letting your eyes land on them but Bokuto stopped you as he held your face in his palm, looking at you with an expression you were well familiar with.

"Y/N."

" 'Taro, shit I'm sorry!" You shouted before wiping away your eyes as his heart winces seeing his friend poorly attempt to regain the sunshine that she once was. Puffed cheeks, swollen eyes, red tinted nose, what a cruel sight yet she dared to cover all of these with a smile. It was disgusting how she made it look so believable, fooling almost everyone that witnessed her little facade. Bokuto falling for it countless of times but has learned to tell the difference every now and then, fitting in for the spot of her once best friend who knew exactly what she was truly feeling.

Akaashi would've read her like a novel he loved but it seems like it wasn't as timeless anymore.

It was now up to Bokuto to handle the shattered girl, even when her own broken heart pierced through her like a knife everyday.

"I-I know a good place to eat at! Maybe then I can treat you for being my favorite ace?" She offers with a sickening chuckle. She was achingly trying. He only gives her a smile, accepting her efforts of hiding how empty she felt. He lets his arm fall on her shoulders, comforting her with everything he can do.

"Oh! I'd like that, kind of like a double date huh? Seems like I get to treat my favorite setter too!" Akemi states, eyes darting towards Akaashi as he becomes flustered with her words. Bokutos eyebrow furrows, and with a pout he tries to insist that you didn't want her to accompany them, but you let your arm come before him as he questions your decisions.

"Sure! The more the merrier right, Ko?" Akemi claps her hand as she gathers her things, Akaashi doing the same. Bokuto takes notice of your longing gaze as he pulls you with him.

"So is that right? I'm your favorite?" Bokuto teases, as you laugh punching him lightly on his shoulder. He chuckles but was taken by surprise as you wrap your arms around his neck, standing on your tip toes to reach him. He immediately wraps his arms around your waist as you pat his hair, nuzzling your face in his neck as you smile, feeling gratitude for an amazing friend like him.

"You were fantastic earlier, I'm sorry for being so-" Bokuto cuts you off with a shout of triumph, making you confused as he pulls away. He wouldn't let her continue her sentence, knowing he couldn't stand hearing her blame herself for something she couldn't handle.

"Ah! What a starter! Thanks Y/N! No wonder I'm the best huh?" He shouts closing his eyes, putting his hands on his hips smiling to himself. You laugh, enjoying how it fed his confidence. Akaashi turns to the two of you watching how Bokuto oddly portray his muscles as you laugh loudly. Akemi smiles beside him, finding the duo quite suited for each other

"They should date! Bokuto makes her so happy!" She claims, as Akaashi blinks, shaking his head turning to meet her green eyes.

"She hates guy who shows off their muscles like that. She think's its a bit cocky." Akemi laughs at Akaashi, since what he said sounded like a known fact.

"Maybe everything can change when she's with him."

She states, making his eyes widen. Impossible. She can't just switch her words just because of Bokuto. He says to himself. Once he hears how genuine your laugh was and realizes that the ace was the cause of it, he stiffens at the thought of the you and the captain together. Akaashi was the one to introduce you to him so it was a surprise you two would come together like that, especially when he felt how Bokuto adjusted to you quite quickly.

"Ooh Y/N likes that color! Will you get it for her, Akaashi?!" Bokuto asks, pointing excitedly at a plush toy. Akaashis blue eyes turned to the location where the finger was pointed and he smiles seeing an immensely cute plush toy he knew you would love but this glee ends when he realizes that Bokuto managed to remember your favorite color.

"Bokuto-san, I'm impressed you knew what she liked." He said with an amused smile. The other boys eyes glimmered in the moonlight, remembering your past conversations with him.

"It's easy! Y/N always talk about many things and it's so freaking awesome. You've known her for the longest time right 'Kaashi? She's so cool." His words bring a smile to the setters lips, loving how Bokuto got along with you so well.

"Oh wait! Akaashi!"

"Yes, Bokuto-san?"

"Well! You've been with her since you were young right? So that means.. you like her!"

Akaashi coughs on his water looking at Bokuto. Bokutos cackle echoed through the air and his words consuming Akaashi's thoughts.

"I do like her but not romantically ok?" He defends, but Bokuto let's out a displeased scoff skipping ahead of the flustered setter. Happily moving knowing he's got him on a hot seat.

"That can change Akaashi!"

And it did.

For Y/N to watch Akemi casually serve Akaashi his food, it was like being tortured in a chamber or watching it to make your brain rot. They look perfect, she thinks. Bokuto was eating happily beside him, and setting aside how hurt she was, she chose to ignore the throbbing of her heart. Akaashi was in front of her as Akemi was in front of Bokuto. The two were in well conversation as Bokuto tried to gather your attention while he brings up how excited he was for a new move.

Dropping your chopsticks, you curse as you got out of your chair to bend down and reach it. Grabbing it in your hands as you look up to see a hand covering the sharp corner of the table. Your eyes follow it and realizing it was Akaashis hand, protecting you if you were to hit your head. This minimal effort was enough to set your soul on fire, admiring how he was able to act so quickly and composed. You return to your seat, Akaashi watching you steadily to make sure you were back. You give him a nod, thanking him for being observant as he smiles to you instead.

Just maybe.

You feel the rising heat on your cheeks as you sip water, hoping it were to ease your frantic heart. You observe Akemi, and painfully suck in the harsh truth that you couldn't deny. Everything that Akaashi has told you about his dream girl, the list of expectations he's had, it was all her. The embodiment of what Akaashi wants to hold, to love and to keep. You hear how her laughter sounded like gentle music, even her personality radiated nothing but sunshine.

All you can do was sigh, when a dream like her already has captured the heart of the young boy you grew to love.

She drops her phone, somewhat mirroring your actions beforehand. Akaashi turns to her immediately, as your heart took another strike seeing him mimic the same actions he had with you. Hand covering the edge, with a gentle hand on her back as she picks up the device leaving you stranded in strings of pain. She smiles at him, casually resting her hand on his as a thank you. Akaashi immediately blushes before placing his other hand on top, eyes lovingly holding onto hers.

The string of hope that you held on for dear life, immediately broke as you let the cup of water fall from your hands, taking an excruciating hit as you were brought back to the silent beating of your heart.

I'm certain that I'm yours.

Or at least I thought.

Bokuto calls your name multiple times as he frantically wipes the spillage of the water that was on the table and on your attire. You felt towels pat your lap gently as Bokuto still continued to put effort in grabbing your attention. Akemi looks at you concerned, worried for whatever thought that you had in mind was enough for you to completely lose your grip on reality.

"Y/N, hey!"

"I didn't think I'd be able to stay with you this long, Y/N." He says with a smile as you walk with him. It was early in the morning, both on your way to school. Coffee in both hands as you give him a pout, finding his statement in a different tone.

"You make it sound like you're unfortunate." You joke as Akaashi laughs beside you, sipping coffee before letting out a satisfied sigh.

"You've been with me even before I got in Fukurodani. I'm just really happy I've found somebody to turn to." You smile as your fingers brush against each other in which at the contact made you both blush. All the tension that was held in the moment was a bunch of unheard confessions, both unwilling to let them speak.

"I'm lucky I have you too, Kei."

"Seems like someone isn't technically happy of sharing the spotlight with me." Akaashi teases pointing at a very sleepy Bokuto who was walking up to you two.You giggle at the setter, while his blue eyes stayed on your smiling lips, relieved that it didn't fail to make him smile as well.

"Y/N."

A stern voice makes your gloomy eyes trail over to a pair of blue ones you were addicted to.

"Y/N? What's wrong with you? You made a mess." He says, completely knocking you off your limit. You stood up, hands on the table with your head down as Bokuto grunts knowing exactly what was bound to happen.

"I'm sorry Akaashi."

"That was reckless. You could've spilled it all over us, even Akemi-"

Bokuto winces when the name slips off of Akaashis lips as you hastily grab your wallet placing the money to Bokuto and mumbling a sorry before rushing to leave, tears falling from your tired eyes once you were out of the restaurant. Bokuto observes the way Akaashis eyes remained enlarged when it hit him how harsh he was. The captain wished that this worry of Akaashi would last long, since this was his first time seeing the setter show any concern for the poor girl in such a long time.

"Bokuto, will she be alright?" Akemi asks him, as he lets out a shrug of defeat. Akaashi bit his lip feeling the responsibility of his actions weigh on both him and the ace. He knew that Bokuto would never be able to comfort her the way he does, and reading her expressions when she left, reassuring her wouldn't be as easy.

Because he was the reason why she was hurting, not even realizing the damage has been done too many times already.

Your feet felt like weights as you ran, feeling the burn of guilt pass through you. On your way to pick up some snacks and refreshments for their match, a certain sight caught your eye leading you to your current decision.

"Yes thank you!" You say with a smile before, leaving the store with the things you bought. You rub your eyes, hating how early you had to catch a bus for their match. This was your only chance to watch them again since you avoided Akaashi for days, making Bokuto your company. You apologized dozens of times to Bokuto for leaving him in an awkward situation. Of course he forgave you, deciding to treat you to a movie instead to erase your worry.

Suddenly a familiar voice spikes up your interest, your head turning left and right to find Akemi. Instead, a tall man walks pass you carrying a bag that you've seen multiple times. You shrug, not wanting to lead to conclusions knowing how Akemi was genuine with her admiration for Akaashi.

"Haru-san!"

Akemi greets, arms wrapped around the waist of the man. You turn to see the two hugging and you gripped the plastic bag in your hands, as Haru places a gentle kiss on her forehead making you stunned even more.

"So where we going later?" He asks, as you lower your head, trying to control your breathing. This is impossible. How could she just lead him on like that! You despised how you weren't able to save Akaashi from the beginning, and now it was your turn to drop a heavy bomb on your best friend.

"We'll meet up later okay? I'll just attend my friend's match."

Friends.

You immediately walked away, weakened at what she just said. No matter shape or form, Akaashi would be hurt, completely. It hurt you that you'd have to see the painful expression on Akaashis face. You bit your lip, trying to avoid the look of dismay on your best friend. You let out a sad sigh as you began to pick up the pace in your walk.

Is it his turn to feel hopeless?

You've tried your best to avoid him. The tension being unresolved between the two of you yet you were happy Akaashi understood why you've created distance between you and him.

Knowing the two were inseparable, you were the one to adjust whenever Bokuto would be heading to practice or even going to lunch. Although, Akaashi gave you some space knowing his outburst completely set a different side to your friendship. You two have never really fought in such a way, he knew even if it was a small fight there was a distinct aura that surrounded the two of you. Beyond what happened, he knew you were facing some other problem that he was clueless of and him adding to your issues wasn't helping the both of you.

So whenever the dark haired boy saw you bid goodbye to Bokuto whenever he was on his way to approach the captain, it stung in his heart.

Akaashi sighs beside Bokuto. Koutaro was prepping himself up completely, pressing his palms to his cheeks. They were up to play soon and the blue eyed boy wonders if she would be able to make it back in time. While he wonders about you, his mind swerves to Akemi. He finds himself foolishly smiling at the thought of them holding hands at the restaurant so he looks at his phone, finding her contact and glancing at their photo.

Next to her contact was yours, which he was hesitant to tap on. He shuts off his phone before seeing Bokuto wave frantically with a smile on his face. Akaashi looks at you, eyes shining knowing you made it just in time to bid him goodluck and hopefully to clear up the quarrel. You felt your heart leap with every step, a war in your head in how you were going to tell him. Your hands tightened as you walk over to them, Bokuto patting your head showing how delighted he was that you were there. Akaashi wonders if you could even spare him a glance.

" 'Taro! I have your snacks but- promise me you'll be the best out there and maybe I'll treat you later!" You say as Bokuto punches the air, his mind in a frenzy at the scenario in his head of eating his favorite food.

You turn to Akaashi, shakily grabbing his arm as he stiffens at your sudden contact. He looks at your weary eyes as you desperately tried to calm down.

"Keiji, can we talk?" Why did you say it like that? He asks himself. His name has never sounded so troublesome before. He fidgets with his fingers as he trails behind you as you lead him to a more private place. You felt the shivers reach your body, immediately bringing coldness at how anxious you were. This was the first time in days where you two would be able to converse properly again.

As you make your way to a corner, Akaashis feet was tapping furiously, scared of what you were going to say. He waits for you to speak as he watches you take a deep breath as you hold his arm once again. Softer than before but it felt like a desperate touch.

"Kei- you do trust me right?" Akaashi nods immediately, lips frowning at the tone of her voice. Is she going to leave me? Please say no. He wanted to get this over with so he wonders if you were just going to rip off the bandaid and end the friendship even if he was willing to apologize multiple times. But then, how could you end it just because he was right about being reckless?

"Akemi- she has a boyfriend, Keiji-"

"You came.. to tell me this?"

"Akaashi- I-I know you like her but"

"God Y/N how could you.." Akaashi exclaims as you aggresively run your fingers through your hair, before grabbing his jacket trying to make him stay. He stands there in shock, as rage and envy flow through him overwhelming him in the process. His hands form a ball as it tightens quickly at the thought of how Akemi was just being nice all the time.

Akaashi looks at you only to find truth in your eyes but his heart betrays the both of you, now broken and in denial that the girl he adored was dating somebody that wasn't him.

"Akaashi, please listen to me! I don't want you to get hurt..believe me!" You pleaded, throwing away how hurt you were from the drastic change in his tone.

"Hurt? So you think you're being considerate then?" Akaashi questions her with spite in his tone. His demeanor towering over her as she crumbles at his voice. Akaashis heart coming back to the reason why it was guarded in the first place.

"Keiji.. you know that's not what I mean!" You defended yourself as Akaashi scoffs. It was mocking you how composed he looked yet the tone of his voice was laced with pure hatred. Deep down, Akaashi accepted the fact that he could never really win Akemi but he was blinded by the pain that you brought him.

"You're just jealous, Y/N. Stop lying." He continued, making you shake your head as you tried to grasp his jacket again but this time your hands barely touched the fabric making your heart gasp at how Akaashi was out of your grip.

"I didn't know you could pull off being a liar, and I don't see myself being a friend with a trait like yours."

The tears flowed down your cheeks as you let out a shakey breath, in disbelief at what he just said. I'm not lying, Akaashi. You promised me you trusted me.

"You said you t-trusted me, Akaashi! How could that change for you!" You shouted as he was brought back to Akemis words.

"Maybe everything can change."

"You promise I'll be okay?"

"I've got no reason to doubt you." He says smiling as you lean your head on his shoulder, tracing random lines and doodling away on his soft skin. Under the beautiful tree, with purple painted skies with clouds up above. After a stressful day on your side, the setter took notice of how you've let yourself fall onto your insecurities once again so he took it upon himself and brought you to a silent place to show you how you shouldn't worry about anything, comforting you with his kind words and him trusting you that would be able to regain your old self again.

"Certain things hurt and you're my only virtue." You confess as his heart spikes up its speed with your response. You sat up, gazing at the houses who seemed too tiny from your distance. You held your knees to your chest with lips formed in a relaxed state as you lean on your arm that was on top of your knee.

And I'm virtually yours.

Akaashi remained with his back on the grass as he admired your features wondering how you could ever put yourself down, when you took away his words whenever you were with him, hiding it perfectly and keeping his admiration far from you to avoid the continous breaking of his heart knowing he'd betray your beloved friendship.

I adore you, he thinks to himself as the only thing that reflected in his eyes were the girl he's lost to his wrong decision.

"You changed and it's disappointing. All because of jealousy? I've been with you for so long, how did you become selfish?"

Selfish. I must've been crazy then, you think. You let out a bitter chuckle, Akaashi frightened at this side of you you've yet to show him before. It was like poison consuming your body, in which the poison came in the form of his words.

"All I've ever been is selfless, god I even let you fall for someone else when I've been in love with you for years."

You took a step back as Akaashi stood where he was, feeling as if his feet couldn't leave the floor as he lets himself drown in your confession. He gulps as he was struck with regret since he had no idea how to respond to you. His eyes trail to the floor as he struggles to find the words.

Then the battle began, between in what he knows whose right for you and his heart who wanted no one else but you.

He was miserable. A side of him wanted to say how much he's waited for you to bid those words to him and claim that he's felt the same as you, but the other side wanted to badly decline knowing he was stuck in choosing you and Akemi. Akemi who has effortlessly tugged on his heart strings and gained it with her gentleness and beautiful personality, and you who's promised to stay forever and loved him longer than anyone else has.

Don't make me choose on who I love more.

He knew the time would come where his decisions would bare another heavy mark on him. He's already made a terrible one by putting his heart in the hands of Akemis instead of yours. He wishes there wasn't a deadline to this difficult decision, but to him it seemed like if he doesn't choose now, he'd feel the pain everyday.

"AKAASHI! LET'S GO!" Bokuto screams as Akaashi turns his eyes to you in a swift move, finding your eyes covered in tears but how come you looked like you felt nothing? You sniffle as you give him a warm smile, a reaction he didn't want to see knowing it wasn't a smile that could bring him joy.

"Goodluck, Akaashi."

He takes a step forward trying to capture you in his arms but Bokuto grabs him by the arm pulling him away from you, Bokuto saying goodbye to you as well and reminding you the promise you gave him. That moment, all that Akaashi wanted to was run and replace the silence he gave you. You deserved to hear what he truly felt, but his words were trapped as he still had to examine if he was choosing the right ones.

But he ran out of time.

-

The game starts and he prays for his performance to be at his usual best. Once Bokuto had the setter to himself, Akaashi couldn't hold back and told him what happened. Bokuto felt horrible for both of you, while feeling revengeful to Akemi since he too fell for her sweet gestures to Akaashi thinking that she actually liked him. Importantly, Bokuto badly wanted to be there for you. He knew how much you liked him so for you to confess so suddenly during your argument, it had the grey haired boy worried about you.

He couldn't blame Akaashi, as much as he wanted to. He acted in a way because he was suffering, but they didn't realize they both were. Though, he wished Akaashi could've treated her better, believed her. Bokuto believed her the minute Akaashi told him, and it was because he trusted her completely and she wouldn't speak out without a reason meanwhile Akaashi chose to hold onto denial.

And as they play, Akaashi looks over to the stands, searching for you when he came upon Akemis. The pretty girl with an arm wrapped around her shoulder as Akaashi loses the ball in his hands from the view.

"Akaashi, please listen to me! I don't want you to get hurt..believe me!"

"You said you t-trusted me, Akaashi! How could that change for you!"

Like the ball falling to the floor, his heart went along with it.

Scream. That's what he wanted to do. How absurd of him to get it wrong twice, there shouldn't even be any room for mistakes. I can't believe I lost her..again. Akaashi thinks. There was a painful ache in his heart, yet he couldn't set it free not wanting to let down the team. Especially in a match like this. He wanted to break, to land on the ground and let his consciousness scold him for hours. He deserved it. He should've learned but he was trapped inside a world where he thought Akemi would've been his everything, when he was blind to how powerful his love for you all this time.

Come back to me.

"Akaashi!" Bokutos hand reach his shoulder and all he could do was stare at a pair of blank eyes. Before the ace could ask what happened, Akaashi was clutching on to Bokutos jersey harshly taking the older boy by surprise.

"She was right." Akaashi utters as he points to the crowd making Bokuto squint just to find where Akemi was. Once he finds them, he sighs sadly before trying to come up with a response to cheer the boy up. It was obvious that Akaashi was too affected to perform properly. Lip quivering as if his world was destroyed twice.

"Doesn't that mean the only thing you can come back to is Y/N?"

Akaashi looks up to him, confused. Bokuto patted the boys shoulder with a soft smile.

"Look over there." This time, it was Bokutos turn to point to the other side of the stands to see you glancing over them. Akaashis eyes glimmered at the sight of you, like life was brought to him in an instant. Happiness couldn't be the only word to describe his emotions.

You were watching.

And he was going to win. Just for you.

This brings him a massive wave of energy, not digging into his thoughts. You smile wiping your heavy eyes seeing him back to his usual self. In his heart he was happy but a mistake shouldn't be rewarded by a smile.

Sticking to his promise, they won but an unfamiliar feeling sets in his skin making him stop in his tracks making Bokuto look behind him to see Akaashi with his hand on top of his chest and eyes straight to the floor. Bokuto grips the phone in his hand, biting his lip and looking down, his heart aching as well.

"Bokuto-san, where is she?" His voice cracks, a tear finally escaping his eyes. He lets out a soft sniffle looking everywhere for a trace of you. Bokuto just shakes his head as a response and Akaashis eyes widen as he harshly wipes away his tears with the sleeve of his jacket. Written in his lips and eyes, Akaashi was exhausted. At first, he thought that letting go of his emotions would be the answer but now he was letting them free yet he didn't wanna scream anymore. He already felt his throat dry at the realization.

"Doesn't that mean the only thing you can come back to is Y/N?"

You sank in your seat, numb to how wet your cheeks were from the continous flow of your tears. Your chest was heaving up and down but your eyes were already closed with tight lips pressed into a line. There were certain things you wish you could've done, but staying wasn't an option when you've gone through multiple battles already. This was the last straw.

Even if you did wanted to fight for him, would he do the same?

You let out a sigh as you open your eyes seeing the road and reminiscing on your last walk with Akaashi.

"What's her name again?" You ask, kicking a rock to the side before shoving your hands inside the pocket of your blazer. Akaashi smiles out of bliss at the thought of her smile and once you've got a glimpse of his expression, you question the drop in your heartbeat as you see him blush before fidgeting with his fingers.

"Akemi." He says, his heart beating loudly. Saying her name already brought the setter in touch with his emotions. It was unlikely for him to feel his heart flutter, but being around Akemi brought him to smile whenever she was there, get anxious to respond to her, and get a flush on his cheeks at the thought of her moments with him.

The name rings in your ears as you were greeted by the silencing beat of your heart. You watch as he turns to you since you've trailed behind him. You visualize how you've seen him with Akemi during lunch and that's when you knew.

It's never going to be me, is it?

"Let's go, Bokuto-san." Bokuto bit his lip, waiting for you to go to them and proving him it was all a prank.

"Akaashi-"

"She left already and I-" His voice breaks making Bokuto gaze at him in pain.

"I'm sorry I couldn't make her stay, Akaashi." Bokuto whispers. Akaashi drags his sleeve to his eyes again, hating how his eyes grew heavy with the tears that escaped his sorrowful blue ones. With a tragic wound embedded in his heart, he spoke.

"I couldn't either."

[spiridakos]

"I can't stop thinking about you" falliam

Weirdly this one all started with a dream I had? Literally, it was one word of dialogue and it was a name. And then I couldn’t get it out of my damn head cause I could just see it so clearly in my mind but I didn’t think it was enough material for a full length one-shot so naturally this turned into like 1.5 thousand words? 

Okay, story time’s over, y’all probably do not care anyways. Onto the fic. 

Also I have no idea what this is. Enjoy. 

It’d been an…interesting night so far to say the least. 

You know for one, with her long lost brother showing up out of the blue. And her dad - who’d been attached at the hip with Adam, which was a weird dynamic and she was still trying to adjust to the whole thing, even if she didn’t agree with it all. And then with her sorta, kinda ex-husband showing up with his new girlfriend at this masquerade ball and everything. Tripping and stumbling on words to say to the pair of them, wondering why there’s this anxious feeling that builds in her upon seeing him.  

But, the evening somehow manages to get even weirder when Ashley Cunningham of all people comes up to her, eyes wide and panicked asking, “Have you seen Liam anywhere?”

“No, actually, I haven’t.” She had to admit she had noticed his absence within the past hour. Not that she was watching him or looking out for him or anything like that. It was merely an observation. Anyone at the party would have noticed a specific individual missing among the hundreds of guests. At least, that’s what she tells herself. 

“Can you…help me look for him?”

“Look for him yourself,” she scoffs, swigging back another sip of champagne. But then the blonde is looking at her with these pleading eyes and for whatever reason she ends up agreeing to her request. “Ugh, fine.”

They start in the obvious places, the bar and the dance floor, the few surrounding rooms close to all the guests before meeting the blonde back in their starting place asking her, “Anything?”

“Nothing.”

She stands next to the short haired girl silently, uncomfortably. What do you say to the girl who’s dating the man you so desperately wish you were with? 

But suddenly it hits her when she remembers what his favorite room in the mansion used to be when they were married, well not really married, and she quickly takes off down the hallway. She rounds the corner, Ashley just a few steps behind her when she spots him on the sofa, eyes closed and dozed off with the fire crackling in the corner of the room. 

He loved this room, it was always his favorite escape when things were a little crazy or he’d had a rough day back when he was living here. He’d put the fireplace on, sit on the sofa and open up one of those weird mystery novels he loved so much and read for hours beyond hours. 

He starts mumbling, coming slowly to consciousness, the words incoherent and unintelligible. But then one word comes out, crystal clear, sharp and cutting like a knife, and everything and everyone in the room seemingly comes to a halt.  

“Fallon.”

Her heart physically aches when she hears it, how badly she’s wanted to hear him say her name again, but then she looks to her left and notices the hurt, disappointment and absolute betrayal that flashes in the girls eyes when she takes a sharp intake of breath in. 

“Sorry, I guess I dozed off.” His eyes lazily open at the sound, slow and methodic, blinking away the blurry sleep that still lingered, finding focus on the figures in front of him. He reaches out for the blondes’ hand and it tugs at her heart strings that it’s not her he’s reaching for this time. He must notice Ashley’s facial expression, because he asks, “Wait, what’s wrong?”

Fallon watches Ashley, she can tell she wants to cry, can see the tears brewing in the corners of her eyes, the way her mouth hangs slightly open. But she blinks away the tears threatening to fall, walking off in the direction they both came from, leaving her alone with Liam, who’s so obviously dazed and confused as to what’s going on. 

“Ashley,” he calls out at the body moving farther and farther in distance away from them, but it doesn’t stop moving at the sound of her name, just disappears completely when she rounds the hallway corner, out of sight, out of mind. “What? Did I miss something?”

“You…” She trails off, pausing a moment, trying to figure out if what just happened was actually real. “You called out for me in your sleep.”

He doesn’t say anything, just rubs the lingering sleep from his eyes, sitting up and looking more alert than he did moments ago, looking everywhere in the room but at her and it’s driving her crazy because she can’t get a read on him or what he’s thinking. 

“Liam?”

And finally, finally, he looks at her, eyes tired and hollow and it doesn’t make it any easier to see what he’s feeling. “What do you want me to say, Fallon?”

“Why you’re calling my name out in your sleep over your girlfriend’s would be a start.”

He takes a deep sigh, almost like he’s contemplating if he should say what he’s about to, and in a split second she second guesses herself, not sure if she wants to hear the answer to the question she just asked. She turns around, with all the intention in her to walk away, but his voice stops her in tracks, forcing her to turn right back around. 

“I can’t stop thinking about you, Fallon. You’re the first thing I think about when I wake up, the last thought I have before I go to sleep. I’m constantly wondering what you’re doing, how you’re doing, hoping your okay.”

Her breath hitches in her throat. She wishes she could form the words, form a complete sentence, a complete thought. She wants to tell him she can’t stop thinking about him either, that she regrets how she handled everything and wants to go back and do it all over again and pick him and not let her fear get in the way of them being happy. But she can’t because no matter how badly she wants to not be scared of him, of them, she can’t be because she’s terrified. 

“You’re everywhere,” he says running his hand through his hair. “And I wish I could just move on from you, but for some weird reason…I can’t.”

“Maybe I don’t want you to move on from me.”

She doesn’t know where that response comes from but she doesn’t have time to process it before the words are out of her mouth and out in the open. And then their eyes lock, glued on each other and he’s looking at her like she’s the only person in the world that matters and she can actually feel the love radiating from him and the only thing she wants to do is kiss him.  

She’s not sure what it is, the intimacy of the moment? The absolute agony she’s felt for months from not being around him? The sheer terror at the possibility of losing him all over again? Maybe it’s a combination of all three, but whatever it is, she’s grateful her head has finally seemed to finally catch up with her heart. 

She leans forward and presses her lips against his. Soft, warm, sweet and gentle. He leans into it, his right hand coming up to cup her check to hold her close. She pulls away just a second later and her forehead rests gently against the warmth of his, when the reality of their situation really dawns on her and she moves her body away from him muttering, “Sorry. I’m sorry. You….you’re with Ashley. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Hey,” he mumbles quietly, turning her face back towards his. “Did you not listen to a word I just said? I thought it was pretty clear what I was trying to say.”

“What?”

“I’m still in love with you, Fallon.” His thumb strokes her cheek in the most compassionate gesture and she’s pretty sure no one’s ever looked at her like this before, with so much understanding and patience. “For some strange reason, I can’t stop being in love with you.”

“But what about your girlfriend?”

“I think she’s known all along how I really feel about you,” he says softly while she allows herself to slide a little closer to him. “I think she’s seen this coming for a while now.”

“Okay, but still. I can’t let anything happen here while she’s in the picture. No matter how much I dislike her, I wouldn’t do that to anyone.”

“So, if I’m hearing you correctly,” his lips tug upwards, smirking. “That would mean you want something to happen with us?”

She just rolls her eyes at his smug comment. “Yes, you idiot. Was that not clear when I followed you to Sun Valley?”

“No, it was, but,” his hand finds her against the sofa, tangling their fingers together loosely. “It’s nice to finally hear.”

[ladytshelby]

Stand By Your Gun Chapter Two

𝑆𝑡𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝐵𝑦 𝑌𝑜𝑢𝑟 𝐺𝑢𝑛 𝐶h𝑎𝑝𝑡𝑒𝑟 𝑇𝑤𝑜: 𝑆𝑡𝑖𝑐𝑘𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑇𝑜𝑔𝑒𝑡h𝑒𝑟

Finally, here is chapter two! I hope you enjoy it. As always comments and feedback are welcome. Chapter one

Warnings: mild swearing, brief mention of panic attack, nightmares, death, alcohol drinking (if anything else needs to be put here please let me know).

Amelia leans against the door of Tommy’s room and waits for the click of the latch before asking, “You know more about the robbery than you're letting on, don't you?”

Tommy is standing by the window, looking out with a blank stare not saying anything. Even though half of his face is turned away from her, Amelia can still read him like an open book, can practically see the wheels turning in his head. She has always loved his brain and how it seemingly never stops running, always being five steps ahead of everyone else. Sure he is a good-looking man, but then again, he always has been.

Moving to sit on Tommy’s unmade bed, Amelia spots Pride and Prejudice on his bedside table in the place Amelia left it a few days before. A forgotten betting slip acting as a bookmark sticks out so Amelia reaches down and grabs her beloved novel to fix the paper. She has lost count on the number of times she has read the book but each time gets better nonetheless. Some nights when she doesn't want to go home to her mother, she’ll fall asleep in the armchair reading, sometimes by herself or with Tommy not really listening but enjoying the background noise when sleep won’t come.

Finally, after a few moments of silence, Tommy turns around and sighs breaking the quiet that has enveloped the room, “I know enough.”

“That’s a shit answer and you know it,” Amelia scoffs. “The face you were making downstairs is enough to tell me that you know a lot more than everyone else.”

“Millie, it is none of your concern at the moment.” Tommy grabs a bottle of whiskey off of his dresser, takes a swig, and sits in the armchair crossing his legs. “Besides, I have everything under control. There’s nothing for you to worry about.”

Amelia looks at him and can’t help but feel a bit hurt. Tommy usually tells her everything no matter the importance saying that he values her opinion and wants to hear the situation from a different angle, “If it has something to do with the family then I bloody think it’s mine and the whole family’s concern.” Amelia stands and moves to stand in front of Tommy with her arms crossed, “You saw what they done to Arthur for God knows what reason. What if it happens again to John or Ada or worse Finn—”

“It won’t happen again, Amelia. I’m making sure of it.” Tommy interrupts Amelia. His hands gripping the arms of the chair so hard his knuckles are turning pale.

Frustrated, Amelia starts pacing back and forth, “I just don’t understand what the problem is and what you aren't telling me.” She stops pacing and looks Tommy in the eyes hoping what she is about to ask isn’t true. “You have the guns, don’t you?”

Tommy’s face has the answer written all of over it, and Amelia can feel her blood heating. “Are you insane? Of course, you are because no sane person would be hiding the stolen guns the bloody government is looking for.”

“Will you be quiet,” Tommy snaps in a hushed tone, “All of Birmingham doesn't need to hear you.”

Amelia puts her hands over her face and lets out a frustrated sigh. She moves over to stand by the window taking the place Tommy was at before. She can see two small girls playing with rocks, dirt covering their already gray dresses. Amelia can’t help but miss the innocence of being a child in a moment like this. The only thing on your mind being games and wonder at the world around you. Having no idea that the world is dangerous and falling apart.

When she looks back at Tommy, he is looking at her the same way he has since they met when they were barely teenagers, a silent way of asking her to be on his side and to keep his secrets, no matter what. Normally she would never waver, but with this— “Why do you have them, and who all knows?”

“It was an accident. My boys were on a regular pick up, nothing out of the ordinary, and they must have been drunk or not paying attention,” Tommy exhales loudly and pours another whiskey. “They grabbed the wrong crate and brought it back to Charlie’s yard and that’s where it sits and holds Lewis Machine Guns, ammunition, semi-automatic rifles, and pistols with their shells. And the only people who know are the idiots who got it in the first place, Charlie, Curly, me, and now you.”

Amelia nods and doesn’t say anything, can’t find the words to speak them. She can’t decide if she is surprised something liked this happened, but ultimately, she isn’t. Everything was going seemingly well for a while, so of course, some problem such as this had to make its way into their lives, “You have to get rid of them, dump them in the cut or put them back where you found them. Campbell will hang you if he discovers you have the guns. You can’t do that to the family.” You can't do that to me. Amelia thought but didn’t say.

She wraps a loose thread from her dress around her fingers and pulls tight. The thread breaking with ease, leaving a red ring on her pointer finger. Amelia has always been a fidget, especially when she’s nervous.

Tommy sensing her uneasiness gets up and makes his way over and puts his hands on Amelia’s shoulders trying to get her to look at him and says, “It’s nothing for you to worry about, Millie. This isn’t women’s business; I’ve got it handled.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, it became women’s business when all of you got on that train to France, Tommy. What’s changed now?” Amelia finally lifts her head and meets his gaze.

“We came back.”

Amelia looks at him and shakes her head. “No, you didn’t, you’re still there, Tom. Maybe not all the time, but sometimes I see that look in your eye. You might be here physically but mentally, you are back there.”

A shadow goes over Tommy’s face, and he moves back from her as though he is making room for his breathing, tugging at his collar to loosen it. Amelia didn’t move closer because if he starts panicking she doesn’t want to crowd him and make it worse. From working at the hospital, she knows different people want different things when they are having a bout of panic.

“At The Garrison, Danny had a fit and knocked over tables and chairs and shouting like he was still in the trenches. Freddie and I got him calmed down or at least we thought,” Tommy stammered still trying to catch his breath. He picks up his glass and downs it before continuing, “he then and went and killed an Italian waiter with two other Italians watching and now they want Danny dead for it.”

“What?” Amelia gasps, “There must be something we can do. You can’t kill Danny; it’s not his fault. Surely they will understand.” Amelia said this even though she knows there is nothing that can be done. The death of one means death for another.

“You know there’s nothing we can do. It’s either I do it or they do.”

Amelia wracks her brain thinking of a way out of this. Danny doesn’t deserve to die because of his past trauma from the war. No one does. “Tommy, what if there was a way to shoot Danny and make him appear dead, but in reality, he is still alive.”

Tommy leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees. He has a smirk on his face and light has returned to Tommy’s eyes. Scheming has always been one of Tommy’s favorite pastimes. “I’m listening.”

“You know that butcher shop down by my house?” Amelia asks and when Tommy nods she continues, “I happen to be friends with his son, he works at the hospital with me, so what if you get some sheep’s brain or something and find a way to shoot that so the blood goes everywhere, and the Italians think that Danny is dead. You said you had some business in London, send Danny there to do it.”

“Amelia, that might work.”

“I’m glad I may be of service to the cause, Mr. Shelby.” Amelia jokes and they both lightly laugh.

Tommy reaches for his cigarettes and matches but they are just out of reach, so Amelia grabs them and hands them to him, their hands lightly brushing. The contact making a tiny spark run through Amelia making her pull her arm away. It is something she always reads about in her novels, that jolt of electricity when the love interest and main character touch.

It is also something she always ignores when it comes to Tommy and herself, or she tries to forget about it, but it is becoming more difficult with each passing day. The glances, the touching, the secret whispers back and forth, and the familiarity with each other is sometimes too much for her, reminding her of old times the two used to share. There may have been a time and place for them but she is afraid that time may be over, so she never says anything and neither does he. Everything is too different now.

Amelia watches Tommy as he lights the cigarette in silence, her eyes following the smoke as it slowly dances its way up to the ceiling. The smell encases the room and it makes Amelia want to cover her nose but she doesn’t. She has always hated the smell of them but with Tommy, she doesn’t mind it. The smell of cigarette is something that is a part of him so much so that often she would find herself missing it when he was in France.

“How have you been sleeping?” Amelia questions, finally breaking the silence after a few moments. “Are you still having nightmares?”

Tommy doesn’t answer right away but when he does he murmurs, “Its okay, but the dreams are still there.” He shakes his head, his hair going in his eyes. The urge to move it out of his face is there but Amelia pushes it down like a cinder block. “Sometimes I wake up before the explosion and sometimes I don’t.”

Amelia nods understanding. “I still dream of my father. Sometimes they are a good and happy, but other times he will look at me and motion for me like he is beckoning me to come to him, but when I try to move I’m stuck and he then starts screaming at me to hurry up but it’s like I’m frozen to the spot; I never get to find out what is behind me. I only see the horror on his face.”

Every time she dreams of her father, it’s as though he is really there like when she wakes up he will be sitting in his favorite chair reading the paper or laughing at something Amelia had said; the sound still present in her ears long after she wakes. She knows it is a dream but she can’t help the disappointment that settles in her stomach when she remembers he is actually gone and will never come back—no matter how hard she wishes.

“Amelia there was nothing you could have done. You were only twelve and the doctors did all they could.”

“I know.” Amelia wiped a tear before it had a chance to escape down her face. “That doesn’t mean it can’t hurt.”

They were quiet for a few moments, the silence hanging in the air like a cloud of smoke and if Amelia breathed it would surely choke her.

Tommy coughs while stretching out his long legs, his trouser moving up around his ankles. “When was the last time you went home?”

Amelia scoffs. She did not feel like having this conversation about home and her mother. “I went home two days ago to get a change of clothes for my shift. I’ve been at the hospital or here since.”

“You need to go home, Millie.”

“Do you know that first thing my mother said to me when I got home?” Amelia asks not looking at Tommy only picking at her nails.”

“No.”

She laughs halfheartedly, “The second I walk in the door, the first thing she asks is if I paid the rent. No greetings or pleasantries, only a question about money. It’s as if I’m not her daughter anymore.”

Tommy comes to stand in front of her and lifts her head with his finger so she is looking straight at him, ice blue eyes meeting russet brown ones. Purple splotches stain the pale skin around them, proving his tiredness. She watches as he swallows, his Adam's apple bobbing slowly as if he is swallowing words he wishes he could say. “One day, you are going to get out of there and then you will be able to breathe and finally relax your shoulders and clear that head of yours, but for now, Millie, you need to go home.”

Amelia grabs his arm and removes from her chin, but she doesn’t break eye contact with him, “I’ll go home, but I want to help you the guns, or something. I can help you, please.”

“It’s going to be messy and could get dangerous. I don’t want you around that.”

I can handle it, Thomas.”

Tommy nods, never doubting it, “I know, I just don’t want you hurt.”

“Then I won’t get hurt,” Amelia responds and moves around him to go to the door,

“How did the horse charm go? Do you think it will work?”

“They did it and we’ll know on race day.” He shrugs making to follow her out the door, “and Amelia, just keep your eyes and ears open and tell me if you hear anything suspicious.”

“You got it, boss.”

~~~~~~

Amelia said she would go home, but she didn’t say she would go home sober. She slowly made her way to The Garrison, wanting, no, craving the drink that will send her into the sweet oblivion that is sleep.

Amelia’s walk was a short and quiet one, the only noise seemed to be the thoughts exploding in her head about the situation Tommy presented to her. She can’t help but have a twinge in her stomach that this is not going to end well, but she does know that will get through it no matter the outcome. They will always walk through hell together and make it to the other side.

The bar was loud but that was to be expected. The place is littered with people she knows and people who she has never laid eyes on in her life. People are dancing with their hands up to music that isn’t there. Some are gathered around tables playing cards with the money they just got paid. The whole place is chaotic but the craziness is what the bar was made for. A joint to drink booze and not think about your problems that hit you the minute you walk in your front door.

“Well if it isn’t Miss Hastings.”

Amelia spins around and is greeted by an older man who is looking at her with a smile. He has soot on his face from the coal job she knows he works tirelessly at. She matches his grin and stretches her arms out towards him. “George, long time no see, sir.” She pulls her old friend in and squeezes tightly and pulls back putting her hands on his shoulders. “I hope you’re well.”

George nods. “I could complain but why would I want to.”

“And the same goes for your wife and kids, I hope.”

“Yes, all thanks to you, Martha’s sore throat cleared up wonderfully.”

Amelia laughs, “It wasn’t me. Tea, honey, and good rest did all the work.”

After parting ways with George, Amelia finds an empty bar stool and even though she is sitting away from most of the patrons, she can still hear their conversations as though everyone is trying to be louder than the rest. Most of the talk is of work, failed marriages, on-the-side girlfriends, and the occasional whispering of the new chief inspector who has strolled into town thinking he owns the place.

Amelia leaned in closer trying to catch any information they might have but she misses what he says because of the roar of shouting in the back from some bloke who decided to wear whiskey instead of drink it.

“They are quite a loud lot aren’t they?”

“As loud as they come, I’d say.” Amelia looks up and meets the gaze of the girl she ran into earlier standing behind the bar wiping down a glass. “Hey, I’m sorry I about earlier, I can be a mad clutz when I’m in a rush.”

“It’s fine. I wasn’t paying attention to where my feet were headed.” The girl, Grace, puts down the glass and extends her hand out. “I’m Grace.”

Amelia shakes her hand noting the softness of it. Seemingly too soft especially to work in a place like this. “Amelia.”

Grace smiles and moves down a bit to pick up a gentleman’s glass to refill when she asks, “What can I get for you, Amelia? Harry said it’s on the house.”

“Irish Whiskey and you can leave the bottle.”

“Hard night?” Grace questions when she sits the glass in front of Amelia.

Amelia takes a swig before answering letting the amber liquid slide down her throat leaving a burning trail in its wake, “We all stress, some days are more stressful than others.”

“I understand that completely.” Grace replies twisting the rag in her hands seemingly catching her eye on something or someone, but Amelia doesn’t turn to look because Amelia is taking the chance to look her over.

Grace is very pretty with the blonde hair and blue eyes of an upper-class lady she would have met when Amelia was still in the class herself. At all the society parties her parents would drag her to when she was a young girl. She seems more like a girl that would work at the hospital with her not serving her whiskey at The Garrison.

Grace turns back to her and gives her a smile. “You wanna talk about? Your bad day I mean.”

Amelia pours another glass, “Can’t. Promised I wouldn’t tell a soul. Just know that I learned something that could be harmful to people I care about if it was found out.”

A light seemingly sparks in Grace’s eye and she looks down trying to hide it, but Amelia notices it immediately. She gave the vaguest detail she could just to see if her curiosity was going the right direction and it seems like it is. Watch out for the barmaid called Grace.

Amelia stands up and fishes out the money needed to pay for the whiskey and puts it on the table. “Well, I’ll be seeing you around then for more chats perhaps, when the bar isn’t as crowded. Us Small Heath girls have to stick together.”

Amelia gives her a warm smile, which Grace returns, and picks up the bottle and turns to leave when Grace says, “Harry said it’s on the house.”

“Harry says a lot of things besides he has a new salary to pay.”

Amelia walks through the double doors of the bar and makes her way home.

[deputy-ripley-adams-blog]

I think you're the most beautiful man in the world

Morgan/Female Reader (smut)

I love my cowboy 💛

You could watch him for hours and sometimes you tried to, but most times he could feel your eyes on him and he'd catch you staring at him like some love sick puppy. Every time he caught you he'd give you one of those bashful smiles and messed with his hat as he bowed his head at you in greeting, you did what your instinct told you to do which was to retreat as quick as you could. Arthur Morgan was one of the most handsome men you had ever set your eyes on. The sad thing about this was that Arthur never seemed to know how handsome he was, many times you had heard him put himself down or compare himself to other men, you wished with all your heart to just tell him all the things you thought about him. Thinking about telling him is easy enough but actually telling him to his face was almost impossible, last time you had gone to tell him he had been sat on his cot, the button up shirt he wore was partly open and he had smiled softly at you with his journal in hand. You had started panicking instantly and as he had reached out for you to help, you ran out of his tent with a shout of 'goodnight!' despite it being only midday. The girls had been relentless about your last encounter, the fact you had screamed goodnight at a man for smiling at just 12 o'clock in the afternoon was the most hilarious thing in the world. Karen always offered to tell him for you and you are pretty sure that Mary-Beth is basing the new novel she's writing on your misfortune and pining, the only supportive one had been Abigail - she often sat with you and just talked about love and about knowing if someone was the one. And to you he was. Arthur Morgan was the love of your life and he didn't know and at this rate he was most likely never going to know.

You screamed into your pillow loudly. You had opted to spend the night at the Valentine hotel, you needed a pity party for yourself and this what you chose to do, you had a bar of chocolate and a bottle of whiskey on the bed you lay on, the pillow was pressed to your face as you face planted into it on arrival. At that all the other things on your mind crashed down on you, how sad did you look staying in a hotel on your own? You honestly felt like the saddest and most pathetic woman in the world, which you were - pining after a man who had only offered you small talk and smiles. But boy were those smiles something.

Knock Knock

You ignore it at first but then the banging becomes relentless and the door shakes as the door is pounded on. When the door handles starts being twisted you decide that it was probably smart to answer before that seedy hotel clerk busted the door down. Groaning you lift your head off the pillow and look towards the door, using the most polite voice that you can seemingly muster during your mental crisis you respond to the person who keeps knocking in hard taps,

"Sir I only want the room - no baths or anyone or anything needed thank you,"

The person on the other side stops their banging but their shadow doesn't leave from behind the door, "Y/N? You in there?"

You're pretty sure your eyes almost pop out of your head, quickly you lift yourself off the bed and look at the mirror, your hair is unruly from the pillow screaming and the shirt you're wearing is crumpled to pieces, you're also only in your underwear. The door handle is tugged again with a concerned call of your name. With a silent scream to yourself you pull at the shirt as if that'll help make it cover more of you and you open the door.

Arthur stood on the other side, he was shifting as he waited. He was in a soft,blue union shirt with the buttons undone, you had to control yourself and avoid looking at the exposed skin of his chest, that would be a key weakness and you had only your room to run into this time. There was no way past him if you wanted to bolt forward anyway. Arthur took up pretty much the whole door way with his bulk. He looked worried and slightly annoyed, his hair was damp near his ears and his neck was flushed which gave off the impression that he had been running around or striding quickly in his usual sort of movement.

"What are you doing here? Is something wrong back at camp?" Your fingers gripped the door hard as you looked up at him, his chest was heaving slightly and you watched as his hand lifted to point right at you.

"What are you doing here? You didn't tell anyone where the hell you were?"

You had. You had told all the girls, you had told Mrs. Grimshaw and hell you even told Hosea who had suggested the idea in the first place.

"I did Arthur - I'm surprised no-one else told you I was here,"

He took a breath as he stopped his pointing only to cross his arms, he seemed annoyed which you couldn't understand so your grip on the door only tightened.

"You didn't tell me,"

Your eyes widen as you stare at him, "I have to tell you that I'm going to book a hotel?"

That caught him off guard, his whole body seemed to tense at your question, in typical Arthur fashion he bowed his head and shifted as if unsure of what to do with himself. When he looked back at you his mouth was in a straight line and his eyes flickered to you and then to your room as he tried to peer in.

"Arthur I'm fine, I'm just going to spend the night here and then I'll be back at camp in the morning,"

"Look I - I just wanted to make sure you was safe is all - could hear ya screamin from the other side - almost kicked the damn thing down - ya got someone in there with ya? He ain't hurting ya is he?"

He heard your pillow tantrum? Your face erupts into a deep blush as you look at the concern on his face, he averted your eyes when he saw your reaction but that didn't stop him from trying to look back in the room as if expecting the mystery man to reveal himself anytime soon.

"I - I - I'm alone! It's just me!"

Arthur didn't look convinced. He was a clear example of someone's reaction to listening to absolute bullshit. With a nod at you, he puts his hand near his holster and taps his fingers against his gun, "Then I guess ya won't mind me havin a little look then,"

You stammer as Arthur carefully manoeuvres you out of the way and pushes himself into the hotel room, you watch as his eyes scan the premise for any danger before settling on the crumpled cushion and the goodies on the bed. When he turns back to you his eyes widen when he takes you all in and you then realise that before you had been able to smartly conceal yourself behind the door, but now you were completely exposed - Arthur had been given a clear view of your underwear and the hairs on your body stood on end as he gave you a quick once over. He lets out an embarrassed cough as he adverts his eyes and with that you return to your previous seat on the bed and thrust the pillow into your lap as you cross your legs to hide yourself.

"See I'm fine,"

"I can see that,"

The room feels really warm now and you glance at the window thinking of a new escape plan.

"Doesn't explain the screamin though does it?"

You laugh slightly, which comes out as an awkward set of cough as you stammer again, "I - I - I just had to have a little moment. To ge - get it out of my system! Just a good old scream and cry to get the juices flowing,"

"Somethin the matter?"

You thought about his question, and all you wanted to do was scream yes at him as he stared down at you, you think about telling him but with him looking at you with those eyes you throat tightens. But this was your chance and like Abigail had said - you had to take it eventually. Besides if you didn't what were the chances that Mary Linton was finally going to get Arthur crawling back to her, her letters were more consistent and of course Arthur went back to her to help. If you didn't speak now you were going to lose him.

"Can you turn around?"

"Excuse me?"

"Just I got something I want to say but I need you turn around please,"

Arthur gives a bemused smile but does as you ask, his back faces you now and you stare at how broad it is, "Ya coulda just said my ugly mug was botherin ya,"

You knew it was supposed to come out as a joke, but you knew he wasn't, and that was the trigger point for you.

"I hate it when you say stuff like that, I hate it because it's far from true,"

"Y/N I w-"

Arthur begins to turn around but you quickly interject to stop him, "Turn around please! I'm not done," he twists his body back round thankfully, but his back is tense as he stands stiff.

"Arthur. God I thought it would be easier with you turned around! I - ah - I -"

"What?"

"I think you're beautiful Arthur,"

He snorts at that.

"I really do! I think you're one of the most beautiful men I've ever seen! And - and not just based on what you look like! You - you're kind and strong - I - I've seen how much you help others and how compassionate you are whether it's with the others or your horse and - and -"

You stumble on your words, something wet hits your hand and you realise you're crying, Arthur stills stand stiff still as he listens to you and seeing the reality of what you're doing you let out a choked sob, as quickly as you can you throw yourself off the bed and go for the door. Before you can reach for the handle the door is slammed shut in front of your face, bracing for impact you brace your hands against the door to prevent yourself from running face first into it, you lean your forehead in defeat against the cold of the wood as you continue to sob. Arthur is directly behind you, his hand braced above you to keep the door closed, his chest is against your back and you shift at how warm he is, you almost tremble as he leans into you so his face is closer to the top of your head.

"Ya had more to say?"

"I - I - I can't!"

"You can,"

"Arthur - I - I really can't,"

"I ain't letting you leave till you do,"

With shaky breaths you push your head further into the door, your nails dig into the wood as you try and focus on what to say, "I don't want you to hate me or be angry - I know you wouldn't be - but I don't want you to - to not talk to me again,"

"That'll never happen you know that,"

"I do,"

"Then just tell me, ya got something on your mind, ya have for a while now so just get it all out and then maybe ya can stop running away from me every damn time I go to talk to ya,"

With deep breaths you try and calm the beating of your heart, the thumping of it echoes in your ear drums and the pressure of Arthur breathing against your back isn't helping things.

"I - I -"

"It's okay darlin,"

Was it okay? It was too late to consider that because the long waited words had finally slipped out of your mouth and they came out loud and clear, "I love you Arthur,"

Time stands still. All you can hear is the frantic beating of your own heart and the small choked sobs that escape you every once in a while, Arthur is silent and you press further into the door as the tears start to fall more freely. You watch as Arthur's hands fall from the door, you watch as they seem to twitch before disappearing from view and then the unexpected happens when those fallen hands settle on your hips, his hands are unsure as he holds you but they're warm and steady when he pulls you towards him so his chin can rest on the top of your hair. You can feel the warmth on his breath against your head and you frown in confusion as he sighs against you.

"You know how long I've been waitin to hear that?"

Blinking your tears away you try and turn to look at him but he keeps you planted in front of him, "What?"

"Been waitin for you to say it first, I wanted to - god I've wanted to tell you since the damn party for Shaun but I - god I'm a coward,"

"You a coward? You're anything but Arthur, besides I was the one running away from you all the time,"

"You were, cutest damn run I've ever seen,"

You let out a hiccupy laugh and smile as you feel his chest rumble with laughter against your back, "You laughing at my well thought out escape plans?"

"Hmmm perhaps, saw how ya were lookin at that window earlier,"

You let a choked grumble as you fidget in his grasp, he laughs a bit louder and hugs you tighter, your hands remove themselves from the door and you grab at his hands that now intersect at your stomach. You stroke at the scar on his knuckle and he sighs softly against the top of your head, you writhe in his grasp as you try and spin yourself around in order to look at his face. He relinquishes his grasp ever so slightly so you can pivot and place your hands on his chest, now you can freely stare at his exposed skin and you almost snort at your small victory to be able to finally look at him like this and not feel like a creep. When you look at him he's staring right back at you with such an adoring expression, your face feels warm as he moves his hands to hold the small of your back, your own hands have moved from his chest to cup at his face. He's let his beard grow out a bit, a bit thicker than his usual stubble but it suits him all the same, your fingers trace his cheeks softly and gently touch at the tufts of hair that have fallen from under his hat, the curls just ended under his ears and you touch one as you breathe him in. The lingering smell of tobacco and sweat clings to his form, when you glance back at him his eyes are closed as he sighs, when he opens them again he smiles when he realises your eyes are on him again.

"What does this mean Arthur?"

He sighs as he spreads his fingers over your back and leans in so he can look you in the eyes, "Guess it means - my tent is gonna be a bit more crowded,"

You shake your head with a smile as you cup his cheeks in your hands, "What if I want to stay in my own tent?"

"Sorry ma'am I can't allow that,"

With a boisterous grin that lit up his face he picks you up which causes you to squeal loudly as he tosses you onto the bed, you bounce several times and you laugh when he fails to dodge the pillow you toss at him. You go for another one but he's on you in seconds, straddling your waist as he holds your wrists in his hands.

"Ma'am I'm gonna have ta ask ya to drop the pillow,"

Pouting you do and he snickers as you flinch when he starts tickling the palms of your hands with his fingers. Then you realise the position you're in with him leaning over you like that, he must realise it too, his grips loosens but he doesn't let go and he doesn't remove himself from your waist. His jaw tenses as he watches you, only one of his hands hold your wrists in place - the other cups your cheek and you can't help but lean into the warmth of it. Your stomach is filled with butterflies and your heart pounds, there's still that small fear of rejection but the feeling of love and want for him is overwhelming in comparison.

"Arthur I - I want-"

"I know,"

With that he grabs his hat and tosses it onto the nearby bed stand, and then he leans down and kisses you softly, his lips press ever so gently and sigh against his mouth as he presses a bit harder. Your hands flex in his grip wanting nothing more than to run your hands through his hair and down his back, he doesn't let go and the hand that once cupped your cheek moves to stroke the column of your neck. He pulls away after a few more quick kisses and looks at you, his hands trace your neck and then linger at your collarbones, his eyes flick from your own to your shirt and you get the message soon enough.

"It's okay,"

Nodding at you several times he releases your grip and leans back so you can sit up, your hands hold the hem of your shirt and you look at Arthur to make sure he's watching you: he is. Slowly you lift the edge of you shirt upwards, revealing the skin of your stomach and the outline of your ribs. You had nothing underneath, as you had plans to be alone the whole day so had no need to wear anything else in the room, Arthur isn't expecting to see you completely bare as his eyes widen comically when your shirt is fully removed and you're front is exposed to him. His eyes take in you all in and you fight the instinct to cover yourself as his eyes go from your stomach to your breasts and then back to your face. He coughs several times as if he is unable to formulate any sort of speech, which causes him to swear under his breath as he darts his eyes from your form to your eyes. With slow movements he shuffles closer onto the bed so he can reach a hand to touch you, he retracts at first as if unsure but when you smile softly at him he continues and cups a breast in his hand, his hand covers the whole of breast in a soft squeeze and you can't stop the small moan that leaves your lips.

"You're beautiful - god - I don't even deserve to be touching you like this. God! even seeing you like this - I don't -"

You move your hands to hold the back of his neck and you thread them together, "You do Arthur," with that you kiss him again.

The kiss is more heated this time around, his lips crash into your own desperately as if he couldn't get enough, one of his hand holds your breast giving the occasional squeeze and pinch, the other hand moves to the small of your back, slowly teasing downwards as if unsure if he can touch you further. You gasp when he pinches at your nipple and uses his fingers to cause them to harden almost painfully, as soon as your mouth parts open the warmth of his tongue invades, he licks at the roof of your mouth then to your own tongue as he kisses you like a dying man. Your hands are in his hair, tugging at the curls to bring him closer to you, he groans at every pull you do and his kisses become more confident. With shaky hands you push gently at his chest, Arthur chases your lips as you pull away, but when you refuse to kiss him again he stops and lets his nose brush against your own as he pants with you.

"This needs to go," your command is shaky as you try and regain your breath, your hands pulls at the blue fabric of his shirt.

"I'm not sure you want to see this sweetheart - I ain't as young as I used to be - not got much to offer,"

"Please,"

He does take it off, slowly and unsure but he does remove it. His chest is as broad and as perfect as you imagined, hair tufts  on his chest and more hair leads downwards to the edge of his trousers. He has some scars on his shoulders and ear his ribs but he is still stunning to you. Your hand traces his ribs and you repeat and up and down stroking motion on his chest, which causes him to sigh heavily. He's not skinny by all means, but he's thick and bulky, with strong arms and a presence of just pure strength.

"Like I said before, you're the most beautiful man I've ever seen,"

You press soft kisses to his chest as you rub the slightly red skin near his collarbones, he groans when your breasts connect with his bare chest and he can feel your nipples harden up against him. He leans in to kiss you again but you stop him with a hand over his mouth.

"If you want to continue you have to say I'm right,"

You almost laugh at the frown that takes over his features as he looks down at you, he's reluctant you can tell but you know he'll say it, whether he likes the idea or not. Pressing his forehead to your own he looks you in the eyes and you remove your hand and wait.

"You're right,"

Smiling brightly at him you loops your hands around his neck and with a laugh drag him back down on top of you, he immediately connects your mouth together in frenzied wet kisses as his hands brace themselves over you so he wouldn't crush you. The hair on his chest tickles you and you laugh in-between kisses, your fingers continue to pull at the strands of his hair as you melt under Arthur's touch. You notice how he keeps moving against you, the hardness of him presses against you, you look at him with heated eyes and he gives you another kiss before moving from your lips to your neck. He presses wet kisses from your throat down to your breast where he kisses at the bud of your nipple, your hands grasp at his hair as he latches him mouth onto it and suckles, breathy moans escape your lips as his other hand cradles your unoccupied one. Fingers tease at your left nipple, whilst his mouth continues to suckle at your right one, you groan when he pulls away and he offers small licks as an apology to the sore bud. His kisses and nips travel downwards, from your stomach to the plush of your thighs and then he stops as he hovered over your clothed sex. With a look at you for permission in which you nod quickly, he delivers a long lick to the cloth of your panties, one of his hands grabs the flesh of your left thigh as he spreads your leg so he can move closer to the silk of your underwear. Eventually he stops his teasing to pull at the clothing and yank it away off you, it lands somewhere on the floor but before you can worry about your lost underwear he is back in-between your thighs as he licks at you again. Your hands grab at the sheets of the mattress as you cry loudly as he drinks you in, his hands soothe at your thighs and keep them open, preventing you from closing them around his head to bring him in closer. His tongue plunges in and out of you and the tickle of his facial hair only stimulate the feeling further as he presses his face so hard into you. Occasionally, he'll pull back and let his tongue trace over the lips of your vagina before sticking it back into your folds causing you to moan out gibberish as you writhe under him. You scream when one of his hands moves from your thigh to play with your clit, he rubs slowly and finally he allows himself to tease a finger into your opening. You sigh in relief when the first finger enters you but before long when he slips in the second you're writhing against his hand trying to push his digits deeper inside you, he sucks hard at your clit and soon enough the heat in your stomach becomes too much, you don't want to finish so soon so you try and move yourself away from his mouth. Arthur only groans and tries to pull you back to him, but you don't relent much to his disappointment as he continues to drag you back to him.

"Arthur! Stop! I - I - just not yet! Please!

With a sigh against your clit which causes you to shiver he moves back, with a slow and steady movement he withdraws his fingers from you. With a few kisses to your thigh he sits up between your legs and looks you in the eyes as he brings one to his mouth and licks. You bring your hands to your face in embarrassment as he does this and all he does is laugh at you, when you peek from behind your fingers you see that his hands are twitching patiently at his sides and you flush brightly at the wet around his mouth and how it shines across his lips. Your eyes drag from his mouth to his crotch which his hands are twitching by, he presses uncomfortably from what you can see judging by the hard outline of himself.

"Off,"

With fumbling hands Arthur removes his trousers, he pauses at his last garment of clothing, he presses hard and thick against the cloth and you sigh in anticipation as he pulls it off himself. He hisses as the fabric brushes against him, but when he's completely free from the confining material he groans softly. When you reach out for him to repay the favour, he waves a hand at you.

"I'm good ta go darlin, just need to know if you are,"

You nod at him and he nods back at you in silent understanding. His hand holds the base of himself as he strokes slowly, he shuffles himself forward in the process so your legs spread wider to accommodate him. He groans as he touches himself as he stares directly at you, with his hand he lines himself up with you, your legs wrap around his waist and he drapes over you so his mouth is a breath away from your own. He twitches against your opening and you moan as you wrap your arms around his neck, his free hand holds himself over you as he stares deep into your eyes.

"Are you sure you really want this darlin?"

Smiling up at him with watery eyes you kiss him quickly, "I do. Have done for a while,"

He kisses you softly as he smiles back at you, "Me too,"

Arthur shifts closer and your arms wrap around his neck hard as he shifts against your entrance, you choke on your breath when he slowly pushes in. He's a lot bigger than you could have imagined, it hurts for a moment but you feel complete when he fully settles inside of you. His hand releases himself after guiding himself inside you and instead grabs at your thigh and brings you in closer so he's connected deeply inside you. Your breath is shaky against his mouth which his parted open in short breaths as he stills for a moment, he waits for you to shift your hips before he starts moving. You drag him back down to your lips as he moves against you, he moves slowly but deeply inside you as he grinds you into the mattress, the kisses are less coordinated but filled with passion as you cling to him hard. His slow motions have resorted to deep thrusts that have you clinging hard onto his back as he moves harder and deeper inside you, with a hard kiss to your mouth he pulls away and presses his face into your neck as he pulls out completely and thrusts himself back into you hard. You scream and dig your nails into his back as he repeats the motions, the speed and strength as his thrusts increases as he moans into your neck and at the drag of your nails against the wet of his back. He mouths breathlessly at your neck and kisses hotly at any bit of skin he can get to, you grip him like a life line as his thrusts become relentless, they shake your body as your breasts press hard against his chest, the drag of his chest against your nipples heightens the feeling in your stomach drastically.

"Arthur - Arthur!"

You cry his name as he pounds into you, he groans your own name into your ear before clamping his teeth into the junction of your neck as he rocked into you, you gasp as the feeling in your stomach returns and your toes curls as you cling to him, Arthur groans as you tighten around him and releases your neck to kiss you again as the hand on your thigh drops to touch your clit. He rubs quick, hard circles as he kisses you hard and you wail loudly as he hits just the right spot.

"It's okay darlin - come on - you can do it,"

He pinches hard at your clit in-between frenzied thrusts, and with a cry of his name you orgasm, shaking hard against him as you tighten your grip around him. Arthur groans loudly into your neck and curses as he shifts so he can angle deeper, his hand leaves your clit to pull your leg over his shoulder as he frantic thrusts push into you, when you moan his name he dives forward crash his lips into your own and groans loudly into your mouth as he releases inside you. You coo at him as he shakes above you, your hands stroke over the muscles of his back and your legs cling to his hips. You kiss him softly as you hold him close, he returns your kisses with the same softness and you almost start crying again as he whispers multiple 'I love yous' against your lips, you just kiss him harder and smile at him whispering the same thing. When he pulls out of you, you both gasp at the feeling causing the hand holding Arthur up to drop , in which he collapses on top of you. Your hands stroke at his hair, which is damp with perspiration, you leave tender kisses to the top of his head as he shuffles downwards to lie against your breasts. 

"You sure this is okay?"

"More than okay sweetheart," Arthur kisses your chest softly as he tiredly raises his eyes to meet yours.

As your hands play with hair you think back to earlier on, "I'm still surprised no-one told you I was here,"

"Oh they did,"

Your hands freeze at your ministrations and Arthur groans at that, "Then why did you lie? Why were you so angry?"

"Karen told me you was with a man,"

Of course, you think, Karen was the one of all people to start trouble.

"You must have been surprised that I wasn't,"

"I was thankful - meant I still had a chance,"

"You always will with me Arthur,"

You both smile at each other, and with an over exaggerated yawn from him he drops his face suddenly back into your chest which causes you to laugh loudly with surprise.

"That means no more runnin away darlin,"

"And that means no more insults about yourself, you're beautiful,"

"Hmmm - you're right. I must be something special to end up with someone like you,"

[funkymbtifiction]

Thanks for all great the feedback! Speaking generally, what is the strengths/weakness of each type in relation to writing fiction? Personally, I struggle to see my strengths. I do struggle with chronic dissatisfaction. I'm trying to translate a dream/grab a cloud and make it solid. Usually I feel like I get it wrong. At times, I struggle to write cause I know I can't create the perfect the story in my head. It's better to keep it perfect, but that doesn't make me happy. Thanks again.

First, you need to remember this:

Perfect does not exist.

Perfect is an abstract concept.

Define “perfect.” If you do, it equates perfection TO YOU, but not to the rest of the world. Your idea of perfect differs from my idea of perfect. Perfect is an imaginary thing that is never quite you, that is just out of your reach, a goal so intangible that you can never succeed, an ideal which you cannot define – it’s just… perfect. 

Think about it. Can you write the perfect novel? What IS the perfect novel? A novel with no mistakes in it? Well, would that REALLY be perfect? What makes something perfect? Can you ever achieve it? Has anyone ever achieved it? In my opinion, no. You may think your favorite novel is perfect. It isn’t. There’s always some way for anything to be improved.

What happens is, in your striving for perfection, you spend about a thousand more hours making something 1%, 2%, 3% better… when the world, and everyone except the irrational little perfection demon on your shoulder would have been happy with 95% perfect. You can drive yourself insane, trying to live up to a standard that does not even exist.

I know this. I have done it. I have written, and written, and proof-read, and changed, and streamlined, and risked ruining something, because I was always trying harder for perfection, creating problems in my head where there were none on the page, being too ruthlessly critical of myself and my product. Other people read it and tell me, “This is good, but I got confused in paragraph six,” meanwhile I’m thinking, “The characters aren’t deep enough!” Or, “I liked this character, but could you weave him into the plot a little more?” whereas I was worried about the sentence structure in that part of the book.

I read a writing book once, from a very well-known / best-selling author who said she let several friends read a novel once and all of them complained about the exact same thing. She had a choice whether to try and fix it (which would mean hours and hours of work, tearing up and reconstructing chapters to fix it)… or to sell the book to a publisher. She sold it. They published it. And when the reviews first came out, she thought, “Oh, they’re all going to harp on that one flaw.”

None of them did. No one noticed it. No one commented. No one thought it was a big deal. That huge glaring “error” her friends noticed went unnoticed by the world – or at least, enough people for it to catch no air time. She could have spent another six to twelve months fixing that flaw… would it have been a better book? Maybe. But it proved to her that: the world is hard to please, the world really doesn’t care if you spend a thousand hours or twelve thousand hours on a book, and everyone is going to harp on something different, so … a book in your hand is better than a perfect, imaginary book in your head.

Are you an NF type by any chance? They struggle the hardest with wanting to live up to some perfect ‘ideal’ / imaginary potential which is not always grounded in reality. Their intuition feeds them all kinds of paranoid thoughts about their writing ability / plot construction / detail-focus / etc, that trust me, very few other people notice or care about. And the more research you do, the more you can feed those problems.

Here’s a few solutions:

Recognize perfect does not exist. This is a made-up thing by evil goblins to keep you from feeling good about what you write. Screw ‘em.

Do your best. Is it not good enough? Tough. If you did your best, no one can ask anything more of you – including yourself. Writing is a skill enhanced with time and practice. You will be a better writer in ten years than you are right now – but to BECOME that better writer, you have to write right now.

Consciously Improve. I read an excellent article once about how it takes a thousand hours of practice to become an expert at something – but a thousand hours does not mean practicing in general, it means practicing with intent. Let me give you an example: you notice as a writer that you tend to use a lot of adverbs instead of strong verbs. Practicing in general would be continuing to write, but using 10,000 adverbs – as usual. You are teaching yourself nothing, just repeating your old mistakes – and not becoming a better writer. Practicing with intent is continuing to write and training your brain to seek our and supply and use strong verbs instead of adverbs.

Do not seek advice from other perfectionists. Two unreasonable idealists do not make one realist. And do not put ideas into your proof / beta reader’s mind; they will go in looking for that flaw and reaffirm your concerns. Trust me, a fresh pair of eyes will find things wrong you did not think of, and may not consider what you’re worried about as a problem. If you have five beta readers, and they all say something different, you cannot make anything perfect by listening to all of them (unless they all have a point); but if five of them say the exact same thing (”Joe is a poorly developed character…”)… LISTEN.

Set reasonable standards for yourself that conform to good writing (such as: I will proof read it to catch any mistakes, I will not over-use adverbs, I will run it through a grammar checker to see if my sentence structure is good) … and then stick to them. Force yourself to stick to them.

Do not borrow trouble. Do not compare yourself to other writers. Do not envy other writers. Do not read other writers, while working on a project, if you have learned in the past that this triggers your fear / perfectionism and makes you overly hard on yourself. (This is why I read no fiction while writing novels; my Ne likes to play the comparison game and I always come up short.)

Okay, the strengths and weaknesses: (these are SUBJECTIVE… and remember, readers of your own type won’t consider them flaws)

NFs: [weaknesses] too much desire to be perfect / too unrealistic / high of standards which stalls the writing process, a lot of trouble adding in the right amount of description. [strengths] Intuitive understanding of emotional dynamics, able to write compelling characters with complex psychological motives.

NTs: [weaknesses] may have unrealistic / perfectionist tendencies / too high of self-standards, a lot of trouble adding in the right amount of description, and sometimes, flat or emotionless characters. [strengths] Often excellent satirists or comedic writers with zany world approaches and good at jarring the reader from their comfort zone.

SFs: [weaknesses] may use too much detail / descriptions / focus on things that do not drive the plot forward, be fussy about making their story ‘realistic’ and worry their ideas aren’t original enough. [strengths] Terrific at creating realistic, emotionally dynamic characters and world building in ways that make the world seem real (focus on describing actions / events, and noticing everyday things that intuitive writers tend to forget about).

STjs: [weaknesses] may become absorbed in making their stories logical / realistic and focus more on that than emotional connections or growth between characters; may forget to explain motives or clumsily handle emotions or fall into using too much description which slows the plot. [strengths] Excellent at creating realistic, complex, dynamic worlds full of details, often packed with action.

- ENFP Mod