#as someone whos arospec. i would love that immensely

[animucrystal]

not sure if anyone on here has seen it yet but the chances of arospec / aromantic melinoe have grown exponentially large. honestly may be canon atp

((screenshot from: @/TheScruffyCat on twitter))

[internetgiraffekid1673]

Musings on How I Experience Love

A.K.A. I learned about a queer identity, and it made me have thoughts about my own identity that are only tangentially related, and I didn't want to derail existing posts.

TL;DR at the bottom.

Introduction

Ya'll. I just learned about a thing called aplatonicism. Aplatonic. Does not experience platonic attraction. And it got me thinking.

To be clear, while I am super happy for and very supportive of all the aplatonics out there, I am not aplatonic. I have a number of friends and I feel all my feelings about my friends very strongly. Probably more strongly than most of them tbh.

Buuuuut, learning that this was a thing made me start poking at how I experience ALL my types of connection with people.

So, consider this post an exploration of my queerness and my relationships in general. If anyone has labels they'd like to introduce, please come forth. I find comfort in labels, and they're kinda fun.

BTW, this is all coming from someone who identifies as aroace and/or asexual arospec.

Familial Love:

If I had to list the most important and valued relationships in my life, all the top spots would go to family members. This is reflected in my day-to-day behavior.

My friends will have to wait hours or days before I can build up the emotional fortitude to text them back, and I find myself dreading receiving texts from them. With my family, I will initiate conversation, text them for no reason, open my phone in the hopes of having recieved texts from them, and feel immense relief when I see the text is from them and not a friend.

I can receive calls from my family without immediately panicking and spend literal hours on the phone with them, where I can barely stomach a few minutes from friends (I have phone anxiety).

I will cancel in person meetings with friends IN EXCHANGE for in person meetings or phone calls with family if I am having a bad day.

I trust my family with information I don't trust my friends with.

When I am home and I have the option to, I will spend more hours of the day being around my family than being by myself, despite being introverted. The same consideration does not apply to friends.

My family is allowed to upset me in ways that my friends are not. I still adore my family and easily forgive them after they push certain boundaries and triggers, but I won't even keep talking to a friend who does that.

Large gatherings of people I know well and consider friends are intimidating and draining. Large gatherings of people I have accepted as family, even if we haven't spoken in years and I don't know them too well, are exciting and relaxing.

All of these things combined make me inclined to conclude that I experience familial love much more strongly than platonic love. I progress from "like" to "love" much easier with family than with friends, I feel more strongly about my family than I do about any of my friends, I will choose family over friendship every time. I've developed a couple of friends over the years that I've become exceptionally close to, and I literally refer to them as "my second family" or "like my siblings."

This is. . .interesting to me, and was sparked by learning about aplatonics. I discovered aplatonicism when I stumbled across a couple aplatonic tumblr blogs, and all the ones I happened upon specified that they were "loveless," indivudiuals whi didn't experience familial love either. But, they still introduced the concept of thinking about platonic love and familial love as separate.

I'm wondering if anyone has words to describe feeling familial love really extra strongly, even if you also experience platonic attraction and are decidely not aplatonic? Oh, also, I have social anxiety, but it isn't really triggered by family members, where it is easily and frequently triggered by friends. I have been overstimulated to the point of tears at large family gatherings before, but it was only with people I literally had no memories of and did not mentally consider family.

Also, I'm not really sure how my brain classifies "family." It certainly isn't "people I've lived with," since there are at least 3 of those that don't count, and most of my extended family does. It obviously isn't "people I'm biologically related to," because of in-laws and legal guardian situations that I do count, but it also isn't "people I am/was legally related to," because a lot of legal extended family that I've never met or just don't talk to don't count in my brain, including people that I technically have a closer legal relationship with than people who count as family. It's some combination of a bunch of factors, and I can't even name most of them.

Basically, familial love is much higher and much stronger in my emotional hierarchy than any other type of love, including platonic friendship, and I find that noteworthy.

Platonic Love:

So, as mentioned in the introductory section, I think I feel my feelings about platonic love/attraction more strongly than the people on the other side of those relationships.

However, I don't think this actually has much to do with my attraction level. I think it's a symptom of allonormativity. Almost all my friends are allorose, and I think this influences the way they view friendships in general. Friendships are generally considered a less valuable, less intense, less committed kind of relationship by an allonormative society. They're like an in-between step between strangers and a romantic/sexual relationship, and people don't really consider that they can both give and take just as much as those other types of connection.

Any friendship involves an obligation. A social contract of things you do for each other. An unspoken agreement that you'll care about and put effort towards each other. They take just as much work and care to maintain as any sort of romantic/sexual relationship will. For people who experience platonic attraction, they also provide connection, safety, emotional fulfillment, enjoyment, happiness, and all the other things that are also affiliated with romantic/sexual relationships.

As an aroace person, friendships and familial connections fully provide all my emotional needs. I don't need or want a "higher" relationship. And when I look at the people in my life who are or were involved in a romantic relationship, some of them continued to put more effort towards and recieve more fulfillment from their friendships than from their romance.

So, I place a lot of importance on my platonic love and affection for my friends, especially those that edge towards that "second family" territory. For those not in that zone, though, I think they would generally consider friendships nice, but far more casual and less important and all-consuming as romantic love. Even if we do experience the same levels of attraction towards and affection for each other, they place less importance on it because they have other emotional needs that are not being met and that society values more.

These thoughts also developed from reading about aplatonics, by the way, and their frustrations with the fact that because friendship is undervalued, people don't extend the same care towards forming and maintaining friendships as they do towards romantic and sexual relationships. People don't ask if they can be your friends as adults, and they don't really do platonic DTRs to determine how much you can reasonably expect from each other. That means an aplatonic who has no interest in being friends with people will suddenly be shoved in this box that comes with all these expectations and they DID NOT sign up for it.

I also have experienced strong queer platonic attraction towards at least one person, and I would use the aromantic term "squish" to define how I feel about this person. If I didn't know that this person is allorose and actively seeking a romantic partnership with someone, I would want to platonically date this person, and we have already acknowledged that our relationship is fully platonic but exceptionally close, and we like it that way.

Romantic Love

In my intro, you may have noticed that I identify as aromantic AND/OR arospec. This is mostly because I am relatively new to identifying myself as aromantic, and I don't have a whole lot of experience with thinking about how I feel about romance through this lens. I only discovered aromanticism was a thing like a year and a half ago, and I have only been exploring the label and identifying with it for a few months.

Before learning about aromanticism, I would hear about romance and crushes and think, "Huh, I've never felt that way. Oh well, I'm sure I will eventually." Now that I know this isn't necessarily true, I have some mixed up feelings.

I have never felt romantic attraction towards anybody. The question comes in my DESIRE for that attraction/relationship. I feel like I could happily live my entire life without a romantic relationship. But, I also wouldn't be upset if I developed romantic attraction for a close friend and entered a romantic relationship with them. That idea isn't bad for me, and I find myself enjoying the thought, even if I don't wish for it and have no desire to seek one out.

However, a lot of the things people consider part of a romantic relationship are things I would do with a QPR. I know I'm not feeling whatever it is they're feeling, and I know I wouldn't behave in the same way, but I can't exactly verbalize those behavioral differences. Just some examples:

Going on dates: I would 100% platonically date someone and actually already do. I also do familial dates. Both these things involve planning a specific time to go do stuff with a specific individual just to be with them because we both like being around each other and we want to spend time together and do things that make the other person happy. If it is a person I have established a touchy-feely relationship with, it will also involve all of the touchy things we do together. With my parents, this is up to and including pecks on the lips and holding hands. With my squish, this regularly goes up to cuddling and laying right next to or partially on top of each other.

Touching each other, even when not on dates. I am a very touchy-feely person. Touch is my love language, but how much I am comfortable touching a person depends.

My parents kiss me, but in the same way you kiss a baby or a puppy. This includes on the lips sometimes. That would feel weird with anyone else, but it feels nice, normal, and affectionate with them.

He never has, but I wouldn't be uncomfortable with my brother kissing my hair or my forehead, which is something my extended family does pretty frequently (aunts and uncles, grandparents, etc.). I don't think I would feel uncomfortable if my squish or my second family friends kissed my hair or forehead, but I'd feel pretty weird if any of my other friends did it.

I don't mind holding hands with my family, my second family, or my squish either, even if that isn't my preferred form of contact (I like something a bit more solid).

I hug everyone who is okay with it. Anybody who likes hugs and has made this known to me gets hugs from me. The same can be applied to cuddling, hair petting, etc.

While I don't tickle other people, I am very ticklish and enjoy getting tickled by people I am physically affectionate with. Anyone who gets forehead kiss privileges gets tickle privileges.

I was in scouts and speech and debate and consider sleeping in the same bed a non-intimate activity. It would feel weird if they're significantly younger or older than me and not family, but as long as we're similar in age, I'll share a bed with a total stranger. We'll probably even end out cuddling in our sleep since I'm a little heat leech when I'm sleeping.

Dancing: I'll happily do anything from formal waltz to intimate tango with family, second family, or squish. I will feel only sort of weird about doing it with friends, acquaintances, and strangers at events that are made for that kind of thing. The more formal the dance, the closer to sort of weird we get. Intimate latin tango? Kinda weird, but not awful if nobody MAKES it weird. Old timey jig? Honestly, it's pretty normal.

Buying Gifts: I don't really buy gifts for other people unless it's their birthday or Christmas, but my friends get handmade presents all the time.

Flirting. While I'd feel really put off by a stranger flirting with me, my friends and I jokingly flirt all the time. In high school, I had a friend who would greet me every day with variations of "Hey sugar lips, nice eybrows." While I have only engaged in this behavior with my straight female friends (I'm a woman), I wouldn't feel uncomfortable if my female-attracted friends of any variety did this too. It would be really, really weird if anyone did it seriously, though.

Sharing drinks/food. I already do this platonically all the time. The only reason I don't share straws with friends is because we're all the age where none of us can guarantee we don't have mono unless we've been recently tested. I do share straws with my family if none of us are currently sick.

Marriage. I would marry my QPP and/or best friend. I know I would like to raise kids if I am ever emotionally capable, and I want to do it with a partner. I would love to live with someone I'm platonically attracted to until the end of time and would appreciate the benefits of legal civil union. That opening sequence in Up called "Married Life?" Apart from the actual making out and implied sex, I would do literally all of that in a platonic relationship. I don't think I NEED it to be happy, but it certainly feels like something I WANT (as opposed to an actual romantic relationship).

So basically, I have no desire for a romantic relationship, but I am not repulsed by the idea, and a lot of the trappings of a romantic relationship are actually something I'm interested in platonically. People with labels come forth!

I also am not freaked out by other people in romances. I have no issues with my friends being lovey dovey with their partners around me, although unless they're really REALLY obvious about it, I won't be able to tell their dating without verbal confirmation. I dislike most romance plots and subplots in fiction, but I can also think of a lot that I enjoy (almost all of which lack sexual elements as well).

Sexual Love

I am very VERY ace. I have absolutely no desire or interest in sex. I have never had a desire. I can't picture myself EVER having a desire. I am disgusted by the thought of myself ever having sex by any definition of the word, including just kissing in a mildly erotic manner. I feel uncomfortable seeing people lingering kisses in front of me, including fictional people, and I skip anything in books that could be remotely classified as sexual. Multiply any squick by like a thousand if it's non-consensual.

I am, however, fine with the idea that other people have consensual sex with each other, as long as I'm not given details. My roommate could look me dead in the eyes and tell me every fictional character she desperately wants to bone, and that she and her boyfriend boned in our room last night, and I would be absolutely fine. The minute she starts describing details, I'm like, "No thanks." Fade to black fiction scenes are great. Implied/referenced sex is fine, even implied/referenced rape in works of fiction as long as it's treated with the necessary gravity (obviously, it's never okay that real people go through that).

I should also add that when spoken about in a purely biological context with clinical language, you can give me as many details as you want, and that I also find my irl horny friends funny during their horny episodes.

But yeah, no sex for me ever, thanks.

TL;DR

I read about aplatonicism, and it got me thinking about all the different types of attraction and love and how I, as an arospec asexual with social anxiety, experience them.

I experience intense and powerful familial love that is far more important to me than any other relationship can hope to get.

I experience platonic attraction, including queerplatonic attraction, but feel that the people on the other end of those relationships don't value them as much or feel they take as much effort as I do because of allonormativity.

I don't experience romantic attraction, but am perfectly fine with the idea of a romantic relationship, even if I don't actively seek it out. I also have a lot of confusion about if a romantic relationship would even look different than a platonic one for me, since a lot of things people DO in romantic relationships are things I do platonically, up to and including kissing and marriage.

I don't experience sexual attraction, don't want to, and am generally grossed out by sex. I'm fine if other people do it, I just don't need details and I don't ever want to think about having any kind of sex myself.

Anyone who has labels to offer is welcome!

[cursezoroark]

hi!! i love your ocs and your oc thoughts. how do you imagine rens feelings for mona developing through canon + post canon ? :0

Ough. First of all thank u,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, I love them too it makes me v happy that u like them as well,,,,,,I’m a bit shocked about that actually,,,, and second of all,,,, oh god how do i explain this.

In the Canon Version of Mona’s Paragon Run (in my head). Ren does not return Mona’s feelings. At least from a romantic perspective. And not yet. Which is rlly funny considering what I’ve drawn so far. But as to why- meta reason- I can’t think of a timeskip design for Ren for Shit. I’m so sorry. I can’t think of Anything. I tried so many times because I Do have a timeskip Mona design after the main events but. nope. My brain draws several blanks.

for a more lore explanation as to Why I do have one. In canon, Ren and Mona just barely got the engines started on their friendship again, especially after he joined Team Xen. Mona was incredibly and surprisingly understanding to his circumstances as to Why he stayed with them, which Ren felt (and still feels) partially guilty for. I think from the beginning they had some hunch of what was going on because it really didn’t make sense to them for him to join after they both saw what happened to Melia (or they assumed) in the first place. Didn’t stop the sting of betrayal but it softened the impact.

As to canon feelings! I rlly like in the beginning there was this weird trail of envy of Ren to Mona’s strength, but it’s ironic since he’s the one who set Mona on the path to pursue it in the first place. There’s this admiring point from him that he can’t help feel as he’s heard of Mona’s adventures, and seen how they keep fighting. Of course, he doesn’t totally get over that envy, but processes it healthily when they reconcile as their relationship becomes more like rivals. They’re friends more than anything really. He’s mainly glad and grateful to have Mona still be his friend after all of the Xen stuff, and is rather determined to include them in his protection as he builds up his strength. And they both have a competitive streak so it’s fun to battle someone who wants an upper hand on you. If I had to say how he sees Mona from his presumed perspective,,,, A quiet person who’s way too kind for their strength.

As for post canon, well. This is where things slightly muddy for me because I have a lot of trouble picturing post canon Ren. This is mainly due to the fact I can Sense another character change incoming (with his mom kidnapped after all + Mosely, who the protag character presumably cares about as well) (Mona cares for Mosely immensely. Little sister). So I’m not sure how that might rock the boat. I await eagerly though. If Ren dies at some point in paragon I will laugh just a bit. Not because I hate him more of just the story beat itself. Sorry Mona.

Additionally, He Doesn’t Develop Romantic Feelings until they’re both in their 20s. Before this, I made it clear that Mona would confess at some point post-canon, get rejected, and they would both still have a really strong friendship. This was mainly for Mona’s growth, because I have a ton of feelings on them as a character. Now, I’m a person on the arospec, so romantic feelings are super. Super super super hard for me to describe in general, It feels disingenuous to say it happened like it would in romance medias or smth like that. I think it just kind of occurred to him at one point that he really liked seeing them be happy. That’s what I consider the peak of romanticism at least, to me. And saw them from a more romantically angled perspective. Which is quite awkward considering what happened in the past. But he still thinks they’re amazing for brunting through everything that’s happened in canon and continues to happen post-canon. Mona often leaves the region because they’re summoned by Anabel and Looker, so the days they began to spend hanging out together began to dwindle real fast. From days to weeks to months to at one point, a year. So contact often dwindles as everyone gets busy with their adult life and jobs. In post canon, Mona helps out even more, being one of the many to taste test his cooking as he works to become a Chef. I think he finds them really endearing, I made it especially so since Mona’s softened a bit on some edges after canon happened. (Not totally. I have thoughts on that.) So they smile a ton more than before, are more at ease with their friends, and is more free to explore the things they want to explore. And I think that really Gets to Ren because he’s never seen them be that relaxed, at least compared to before. It gets to a point where it kind of resparks his guilt for contributing to the harm that made them stiffen in the first place. So that’s a conflicting factor. But he’s grown to care a bunch for Mona, like many of their friends. I think the care is just from a different angle than others, but just as strong. If I were to be plain, he finds them cute.

So TLDR; no romantic feelings, just focuses more on Mona’s strength to carry out everything that’s going on. A strong friendship and rivalry overall. Post-canon. Marvels at how they’ve changed from the beginning, and is greatly endeared to how they’ve become more… I’m not going to say soft but more relaxed. romantic feelings start way later in their 20s.

[miraculouslumination]

Saw an exclusionst post this so let me say one thing;

Transmascs CAN be lesbians! Transmascs can 100% identify as and be lesbians.

Why? How? That sounds pretty contracictory and absurd to say, don't you think? Aren't you invalidating someone's identity here?

Okay, so, let me explain as best I can. Keep in mind that my explanations here are probably not even scratching past the surface of why someone may identify as transmasc AND a lesbian.

The first broad point I want to make is that Gender and Sexuality are nowhere near as clean and conforming as you may think. Gender is difficult and complicated for a lot of people. How one's own gender identity interacts with themself and other people can be difficult and complicated. Some find it easier for themselves for one reason or another, and that's awesome! But for some of us, it's a much more complicated waltz.

The same goes sexuality! I feel like, for whatever reason, we have convinced ourselves as a community that sexuality are these rigid, concrete boxes that cannot be swayed or bent in any way, shape, or form. But then, at the same time, abrosexuality exists. Abrosexuality is often defined as feeling one's sexual orientation shift and change from time to time. But Abrosexuality isn't the only sexuality like this.

The arospec and acespec communities are full of identities that can help describe fluctuations in attraction. Arospike, demiromantic, graysexual, lithromantic, cupiosexual, and more, and more. I think what's so important for us to remember is that sexuality is a spectrum - there is no monolith for one or any of our sexuality.

Humans are not made to be put into boxes. No part of us is. And so that's why it's so harmful to try and force us into them.

The reason why someone may identify as a transmasc lesbian can be for any number of numerous reasons. Maybe being "transmasc" is only to define their transition goals, rather than their full gender. "I want to physically transition to be more masculine instead of feminine, but I do identify as a woman/genderqueer/non-binary/xenogender/what have you". I'm almost certain there are some butches in the lesbian community who have identified as trans men and transmasc people. Much like how they could, would, and have used he/him pronouns.

What's important to remember is that transmasc does not AUTOMATICALLY trans man, trans man-lite, or anything like. It can for some people, but not for everyone. There are women who are transmasc. There are men who are transmasc. There are xenogender, non-binary, and genderqueer individuals who are transmasc. Being transmasc, broadly, in my understanding, just means to identify as a more masculine and/or manly individual.

However, even then, there are transmasc lesbians who do describe themselves and identify as men. They aren't misgendering themselves, they aren't confused or hurting themselves, they aren't doing any of that. Transmasc and trans men lesbians exist because sexuality and gender are complicated, complicated things, as mentioned a few times before.

But, again, even for those who don't have such a complicated relationship, they are still capable of identifying as a lesbian. Because lesbianism, as a broader and better definition has grown, is to simply experience (oftentimes) immense as well as queer love towards women and non-binary (note that non-binary hear includes all types of non-binary, not just "woman-lite(tm) or man-lite(tm)") individuals.

Many, many, MANY transmascs and trans men start their journeys identifying as cis women lesbians. However, for some reason or another, they may find out that they're not a woman, or at least not feminine-aligned. Then, they may identify as transmasc or a trans man, because that is who they are. However, at the same time, they may still find that they have that deep love for women and non-binary individuals. They still feel that queer love for them, but may not particularly identify as straight.

They could have many lesbian friends and have found a home in the lesbian community, and so they may continue to stay as a transmasc or trans man lesbian. Maybe they feel that bisexuality and straight just don't fit them well enough, and so they stick with lesbianism to help describe their attraction. Maybe they simply really like the label, and still feel it resonates with them and their lived experiences. Maybe they're multigendered, with one of those genders being feminine-aligned. Maybe, once again, they're a butch lesbian who is transitioning to be more of a man or more masculine.

There are so many reasons for why transmasc and trans man lesbians exists. And while some, many, or even all of them may leave you scratching your head or shaking with confusion and rage, here's something to remember. Gender and Sexuality are just words and labels. Things that we made up to help describe ourselves. Lesbianism and what it means is as subject to change as what it means for something to be a dog, a chair, even a MAN.

Of course not all transmascs and trans men will identify as lesbians, because that simply is not who they are. Even if they are only attracted to women and non-binary individuals, they may identify as bi, p(o)ly, straight, or something else entirely. And that's fine! They are 100% fine to do that!

But for the ones that do identify as lesbians, they are also fine to do so. Because gender and sexuality are not rigid boxes, especially on an individual level. Humans are made to be fluid, not static. We are made to be comfortable and happy in our bodies and our minds and our hearts. We are made to experience joy and a sense of belong. We are made to know who we are and to be happier because of it.

Transmascs and trans men can be lesbians, but only if they want to be. Only if that brings them joy and comfort. Only if it makes them feel more at home in themselves.

And to any transmasc or trans man lesbian who has made it this far in reading this post;

You are real. You exist. You belong and are allowed to be a part of the community. You are not hurting anyone, not even yourself. You know yourself better than anyone ever could. You know your feelings and experiences - you know what you want, like, and need in order to feel happy.

I'm proud of you and your identity. I'm happy for you. As a transmasc, I support you with all of my self. I hope that you get more of that support, love, and understanding someday. I hope you find happiness in yourself and your identity/identities. I hope you find happiness period. Because you deserve it. Because you are awesome.

[aromantic-official]

Hi:) i kinda have a favor to ask. I am currently writing a book& one of the characters is aromantic. I myself do not identify on the spectrum& only have one friend who does. I already consulted her but I want to hear about other peoples experiences too in order to get a better grasp of things. I love the character& I want him to be authentic& not some half-assed representation. I was hoping that maybe you could direct me to some resources? Or if you or any of your followers feel comfortable ++

++telling me about your/their own experience that would also be greatly appreciated!! I would love to hear about the process of realizing and/or accepting it, about any family related issues and also about how it possibly affects someones daily life (e.g. how does it feel if someone keeps asking why u still aint got a partner etc.) I know that all experiences are individual but i would love to hear about some. If this is rude in any way I m very sorry. Also dont feel obligated to publish this :)

That’s a very good attitude to take about writing an aro character, and I’m very glad you have an arospec person to consult as well, since it should help a lot. Here’s an ask we answered about a non-aro person writing an aro character, with many resources and basic tips. Here’s another, this one covering important tropes and pitfalls to avoid.

The question isn’t rude, but asking someone about how it feels to be out or how being aro affects their daily life can be very personal, so be careful and tactful if you choose to do so. Realizing you’re aro is going to be different for everyone, just like any other LGBTQIA+ identity. You may not be able to apply some of these scenarios to the world your character is in (ex. not having the internet in a fantasy book, or no aspec communities exist in a dystopian realm).

Some of the most common experiences I’ve seen for realizing you’re aromantic go along these lines:

“I found the term aromantic through asexual communities, both near the same time, and it clicked. The relief I felt was immense and I’m happy to have words to describe myself.” Most often for aroaces.

“I was exposed to the term aromantic years before I realized it fit me. I was in deep denial, both from other factors (could be sexual attraction, past relationships, trauma, wanting to be in a relationship, etc.) and amatonormativity.” Often for aro allosexuals and/or people who have tried to force themselves to have romantic feelings.

“It was very hard me for me to find a place for myself. The labels were small, hidden, and mocked/belittled/invalidated, and the journey to find something that fit me was long, but I’m glad I made it.” For people on the aromantic spectrum.

“I always knew I was different. I explored queer communities for a long time, switching between many different labels, but never feeling anything quite fit, before finding the term aromantic.”

“I never knew I was different. By finding the aromantic community, I became aware of the small things about myself I had pushed aside or ignored, because I didn’t believe it was possible to be the way I am.”

“I feel romantic attraction under certain conditions/rarely/in a certain way, so I didn’t believe it was possible for me to be aro, and felt alienated from the community. Later, I found labels that described my experience, and a group of people that understood what I went through, and I embraced my identity.” For arospecs.

“I knew of the term aromantic for a long time before I realized it was me. I questioned it, but due to incorrect/negative mindsets and amatonormativity, identified as many queer and arospec labels once I realized I wasn’t straight. Eventually, I pushed my denial aside, and embraced by aromantic identity.”

“I can’t be aromantic! I had a crush in 2nd grade!/There’s a person I think is cute!/I have sex!/I have strong feelings towards people! (usually squishes)/I want to date!/whatever bullshit excuse my mind threw at me during questioning. Eventually, I pushed through it, realized many of these were common experiences with names/labels in the aromantic community, and concluded I was aro.”

Family-related issues can be a bit more complicated. Just like any other LGBTQIA+ identity, it’s a personal choice to come out or not, with all kinds of factors contributing to the decision. I’ve seen many who have successfully done it, those who have been rejected, and those who will never come out. Fighting heteronormative and amatonormative stereotypes, ideals, and issues is fully individual and based on the family and the aro. Not to mention homophobia, transphobia, aphobia, or any other bullshit an aro’s got to deal with. Safety levels upon speaking up also vary; not everyone can be an activist. Handle this issue carefully.

As for daily life… being aro affects much of it, for many of us. It can affect which friends we have, what jobs we take, how we interact with people, what kind of partners and relationships we have, if any… everything, even in the smallest of ways. We know we’re different, we’re Others in the eyes of society. Romance is constantly marketed as something everyone always wants, must have, needs, and only the monsters, the aliens, the villains, the cold and broken and ugly don’t get a love interest at the end of the movie. The boy gets a girlfriend because he did a good job saving the world, right? Heteronormativity, misogyny, and amatonormativity intersect pretty neatly that way. This takes a toll on your mind over the years, the same way other anti-minority attitudes do.

The best way I can describe it is as a fundamental disconnect. It’s hearing people talk about their crushes and realizing you’ll never have a staple of the human experience, of growing up, of fitting in, that is so basic and ingrained it’s not even questioned. It’s realizing your friends will always value a romantic partner over you, no matter how close you are. It’s seeing wedding clothes and feeling sad, instead of hopeful or happy. It’s trying to find a song not about love, in vain. It’s watching a movie and not understanding why these two characters that stood next to each other are being shipped. It’s starting to loathe Valentine’s Day, for the constant reminders you’re different, so different no one even knows you’re here. It’s being so, so tired when people ask you why you haven’t kissed/dated/married yet, looking at you like you’re sad, or a child, or disgusting, or broken, or perverted. It’s realizing you don’t have the future everyone else sees as the ideal, and you don’t really know what kind of future you’ve got at all.

So yes, it can be depressing, but it can also be nice and fun, as shown in one of the asks I linked at the beginning. So don’t forget we’re not all gloomy discourse-plagued hermits, we’ve got personalities and stories and lives with many happy spots, just like any other person. One last thing, our resources page may help you as well!

Good luck writing your character; I hope they’re amazing!

- Mod Harley