#as someone who might still say those words on a bad mental health day just

[queerandpagan]

There's something so quietly heartbreaking about Laudna telling Ferne she "supports the decision" to bring Orym back instead of her.

There's a difference between saying "I understand and I'm not mad" and "I support you choosing someone else's life over my own". And that difference strikes me as another ringing example of just how little Laudna has in the way of self worth.

Just Sweetheart. No. Of course the rest of the group, for various reasons, did an implausible nearly impossible act to get you back??

[mykelneedssleep]

*Kind of vague spoilers for the Juno Steel Finale*

I have way too many thoughts about the end of Juno Steel that it has to be split into 2 posts but you're all going to be subject to hearing them. To start off the development of Juno's attitude about his job and Hyperion City in general is literal art. The way he starts out believing that he's trapped in a city that doesn't care for him or anyone else and a job that never really helps anyone as much as he wants to and ends up realizing that he's not trapped there, in fact, he wants to go back desperately because that city is his home and through his job he can make it better if he tries. When he recites the oath from the PI registry again and he genuinely understands it the second time because he's changed so much as a person that those words actually mean something this time around even though they didn't twenty years ago. Finale Juno does away with the notion that he ruins things for everyone like he's been told all his life, he knows that he can help people and he knows how to do that, and he knows that improving the lives of others is what's important to him. He understands that he can have bad days and not be a bad person, that whatever issues his mother passed to him don't make him a monster the same way they never made her one she was just someone who was extremely ill and unable to get the help she needed in order to be the mother Juno and Benten deserved. Jet's voice in his comms saying "We may look backward only to ensure we have not walked this path before" and Juno navigating a new city with careful avoidance of side streets that would put him back on old roads. Pouring out a bottle of tequila with ease and refusing clients with ties to organized crime groups that only cause harm to others despite his own background in organized crime because it doesn't align with who he is anymore even though he needs the money that they could provide. Buddy's apologies about not getting him and Rita a housewarming gift for the office (even though everything from before was still in the office) except she did provide a gift. It's the confidence that allows Rita to speak up to Juno when he talks down to her, and it's Juno's confidence in himself, his sharpshooting skills, and his job. Vespa showing Juno that mental illness does not define who someone is and just because they struggle with mental health it doesn't mean that they're bad people, it just means that they have some setbacks other people might not have. Buddy and Vespa provide the knowledge that they have family and people who love them and just in case it doesn't work out they have people that they can turn to because Buddy and Vespa and the lighthouse will always be there whenever they're needed. His first case back as a PI being a girl he thinks looks so much like a young Sasha Wire, a friend who betrayed him and one he had to abandon, who Mick sees as looking like a young Juno, a memory from his past and a startling start to the future. A girl he offers encouragement and advice to that season one Juno wouldn't have because season one Juno wouldn't have felt himself wise enough. A girl he chooses to help much more than she hires him to do, and takes much less payment than he typically does because she needs the money to start her own future as well. The fact that Juno's life since his HCPD days has been so driven by romantic love that he never let himself fully experience platonic love and the type of familial love that he should have been given so easily by his mother and Benten was corrupted by mental illness and death, but the type of love the Aurinko's give to him so easily even without the crutch of a romantic connection to Nureyev.

[dieabadass]

When you find out your husband and the disgusting ogre he cheated on you with tried stealing your identity and thats the reason I couldn’t get health insurance this whole time and had to pay thousands of dollars out of pocket for my life saving medication I take everyday and got the bill from her hospital stay last year…. It’s a good thing she’s fucking dead cuz id kill her if she was still living.

I found myself apologizing to this female , trying to do anything I could to get my husband back and said sorry for acting out as any wife / girlfriend / husband / boyfriend or partner would in this situation. Yet somehow she victimized herself, made it as if she was the one who was in the right, tried to fill my shoes LITERALLY. She stole my dog my husband got for me for my birthday, harassed my family with texts upon texts of threats against my life and put me down for having a medical condition saying : she and my husband couldn’t wait for the phone call we’re my mom ( who was battling stage 3b colon cancer at the time ) to call them with the news that I finally died & rid the world of me and the burden I put on everyone with my type 1 diabetes and level of care I need and that everyone could finally move on with their lives especially the two of them without me here.

She convinced my husband that I somehow hacked into her phone and sent myself all these messages and that she was the innocent one in all of this…. Seriously flattering & wish I could have thought of that one first but the amount of work and effort to actually hack into someone’s phone was impossible for even me to do… I even had receipts and proof after proof of shit printed from my account to show the time stamps were the texts were sent from and everything it still didn’t matter. It got to the point were I was lower then I’ve ever been before, dealing with my own mental health, sobriety and from all the years of never really taking care of myself the abuse on my own body was catching up to me and had to face some serious medical stuff no one should have to face alone , ESPECIALLY without the person they needed most. Funny looking back at all this now and all this happening October 2022 and her laughing at the thought of me possibly dying and the last thing I ever said to her was to watch her mouth and words because one day she might choke on those very words and shed pay for her own karma and a year later to the date October 2023 she drops dead like a fly from a blood clot in her lungs literally choking on her own words….. huh funny…..right?

So yeah

THANK THE UNIVERSE AND THE GODS FOR EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED BECAUSE IN THE END I FOUND MYSELF AGAIN, AND I MAY BE FAR FROM PERFECT BUT I WILL NEVER EVER BE ANYTHING LIKE THAT HORRID GIRL. MY HEART AND WHATS LEFT OF IT WOULD NEVER ALLOW ME TO BEYRAY PEOPLE AS SHE DID OR ACT IN MALICE AS SHES DONE TO SO MANY PEOPLE. THE GOOD PART OF ME FORGIVES HER AND FEELS SAD FOR HER BUT THE BETTER HALF OF ME REMINDS ME THAT IF IT WAS SWITCHED AROUND AND SHE COULD HAVE IT HER WAY SHE WOULDNT SHOW ME ANY MERCY, AND TO FEEL BAD OR SAD ABOUT IT FOR NO MORE THEN A FEW SECONDS AND THEN BE REMINDED THAT EVEN THROUGH THE WORST TIMES THERES ALWAYS A REASON AND LESSON AND BEAUTIFUL MEANING BEHIND EVERYTHING EVEN IN THE UGLIEST PEOPLE OR THINGS

So again :

THANK YOU KARMA FOR TAKING CARE OF THAT AWFUL HUMAN BEING AND MAY SHE ROT BENEATH THE GROUND WITH THE WORMS FOR ALL ETERNITY FOR NO ONE TO EVER SEE OR HEAR FROM AGAIN EVEN IN THE INFINITE LIVES AFTER THIS AND MAY MY SOON TO BE EX HUSBAND BE REMINDED EVERYDAY THAT IM HIS KARMA HE WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH AND HASNT EVEN SEEN ME DO MY WORST

Amen

Blessed be

Thank you GODESS NYX

Hekate

The gods

And the universe

Always having my back

And showing me there’s

Always light in a world full

Of darkness

🤍

LADIES & GENTLEMAN,HE/SHE/THEM AND ALL BEAUTIFUL PRONOUNS A-LIKE LISTEN UP :

KARMA IS REAL

KARMA IS JUST

KARMA IS BEAUTIFULLY FORGIVING AND EQUALLY UNFORGIVING

KARMA WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU AND EVERYTHING OR ANYTHING IN YOUR WORLD

IF YOUR KARMA IS GOOD, EVEN IF YOUVE MADE MISTAKES , WITH BALANCE AND PUTTING GOOD ENERGY AND LOVE BACK INTO YOUR LIFE

KARMA WILL TAKE OUT THE TRASH AND ALWAYS HAVE YOUR BACK.

i know this now forever and always more than anything

All I had to do was believe in my higher power/dietys & gods and put it all in their hands and let karma and the universe do the rest without even waving my powerful little pinky 🤙🏻

I’d tell you to ask my enemies

BUUUUUUTTTTTTTTT…….

😎💀👻💀😵👻👹restinpiss💀😈👹😵 🪦🪦🪦 🔥

What and who was I talking about Again? Oh ya that’s right! See? Out of sight out of mind forever dealing with karma somewhere terrible and ugly and unforgiving serving out their karma for infinity ♾️

Amen

[talkintrashcann]

Breathe with me - Xavier Thorpe

Summary: While studying for your upcoming exams, your boyfriend helps you get through a panic attack.

Warnings: anxiety, panic attacks, hyperventilating, slightly choking, hair pulling, pinching, crying, change in appetite, lmk if i missed any

Word count: 1.5k

A/N will be at the end of the story because i feel like i talk too much in here, but it's important to read though!

Disclaimer: this is based on my personal experience with anxiety and panic attacks, this does not mean everyone experiences this the same way.

———————

You knew your mental health was getting bad again, the stress of your upcoming exams eating you from the inside out. It has started to affect you both mentally and physically. Your hands constantly shaking, legs won't stop moving, you haven't been able to have a good night sleep in days and even your appetite has suffered due to the immense pressure you're under at that moment. There was no cure for this really, the only thing you could do is find ways to keep your stress under control to prevent yourself from having panic attacks on the daily. This was easier said than done. You knew plenty of tips and tricks to prevent those horrifying moments, but in reality those don't always work. Most of the time you are too busy panicking to even think about getting your breathing under control. So you end up sitting there, hyperventilating and crying like crazy, just waiting for it to pass since there was not much you could do.

Nervously turning around to see Xavier busy at his desk, trying to study for the exams you have. He looks really focused on his books and don't want to disturb him now that he's finally concentrated. Looking back at your own desk, you swallow the big lump that has been stuck in your throat for about a minute now, biting your lip out of stress. You could feel the panic attack coming, trying your hardest to keep it from happening. Your eyes were stinging from the tears in the corners of your eyes, threatening to fall any second now. Your breathing was becoming unstable and your heart was beating way faster than it should be. You were so scared you'd make a sound and catch Xavier's attention, really not wanting him to know what's happening now.

You've always been ashamed of having panic attacks so often, especially if you're having one in public. Everyone keeps telling you it's nothing to be ashamed of, but that doesn't help with feeling that way. Even having them around people you're closest with is hard, not wanting them see you this way. You were scared of what they might think of you after that, scared to be judged. What if they think you're being weak? Or think you're just exaggerating? So you tried to hide it for as long as you could, but most of them found out at one point.

Your boyfriend witnessing a panic attack for the first time was hell for you. It happened in your dorm when you were suddenly stressing over a presentation you had to give in class the next day, you were overthinking too much and it didn't take long until you sat there chocking on your tears as you started hyperventilating. Walking around the room while tears rolled down your rosy cheeks, hands pulling at your hair before sinking through your legs and falling to your knees. Xavier didn't know what was happening and wanted to help you, but he honestly had no idea what to do. He tried to talk to you, telling you to calm down and reminding you that everything was going to be alright. As sweet as that may sound, but telling someone who's having a panic attack to calm down doesn't help at all. None of the words even made any sense to you, you were so overwhelmed that you couldn't understand what he was saying. You were screaming on the floor, tears still streaming down your face and your hands pinching at your arms. It scared Xavier to see you like this, it pained him that he couldn't help you. All he could do was embrace you and hold your hands in his, waiting for the heavy moment to pass. After about 15 minutes of screaming and crying non-stop, the room finally turned silent. You were still in his arms while he was rocking you bsck and forth, his head leaning on yours, and you sat there looking emotionless and numb.

Later that day, you explained to him what happened and why it happens so often. He was very understanding and was ready to help you in every way he could, not wanting you to go through that alone ever again. So you told him all the tricks you knew about preventing panic attacks and he wrote them all down in the notes on his phone, keeping them on him at all times. It did give you some comfort knowing how much he cared about you. But that didn't stop you from hiding symptoms whenever you felt them coming, not wanting to be a burden to him all the time. However, the boy has caught on quickly. Being able to spot symptoms without you having to tell him, and he's become pretty good at helping you through those tough moments too.

"Are you alright, love?"

You turned back around to look at him, seeing him already looking at you. He had a feeling something was going on and when you made eye contact with him, those feeling were proven right. He could see your red eyes and face, fighting back to urge to cry right then and there. Slowly getting up from his chair, he calmly walked over to you and pulled you into a soft hug. You finally allowed the tears to fall as you couldn't hold them any longer, staining his red shirt in mere seconds. His hands were tracing figures onto your back to try and calm you down, but you're afraid it was already too late for that. You started chocking on your breath, it felt as if your airway was closed shut and no air could make it to your lungs.

"Can't-... Breathe-...", you managed to say while grabbing at your throat as you hyperventilated in his arms.

Without saying a word, he brought you towards the bathroom and turned on the sink. You knew what he was doing since you were the one telling him about the cold water trick. While you held your wrists under the running water, your boyfriend started rubbing your back and asked you random questions to distract you from your worried thoughts.

"Can you name four objects in this room that are the color red?"

Your eyes darted around the room to look for any red objects, landing on a shampoo bottle first. Speaking was too hard so you tried pointing to it instead, Xavier following your shaking finger to see what you were trying to say. He was so proud of you for trying but it was clear this wasn't going to help you that much as you were still hyperventilating, he decided to try something else out. He was worried about not getting you to calm down since nothing seemed to help, but he knew that if he had to stay calm himself in order to help you. So he tried all the tricks he knew on the top of his head until one finally worked. What was most important to him was controlling your breathing, knowing that without this being controlled you could sit here for an hour.

"Hey, hey, look at me please. Everything is going to be alright, I'm here with you.  Breathe with me okay."

You looked at his calming eyes as you tried taking a deep breathe. Inhale for 4 seconds, holding it for 7 seconds and then exhale for 8 seconds. That was the trick your therapist taught you, but it wasn't an easy trick to do. It was always quite difficult to do this while you're still hyperventilating, but the longer you did this, the easier it got to follow along with his breathing. Your breath slowed down, hands still under the cold water in the sink. The tears stopped coming, everything finally calming down. But what comes next is not a fun fase either. After just experiencing a panic attack, you start to feel empty inside. It was like for a moment, there was nothing left of you. Xavier would be stuck with a soulless doll in the room for the next few hours, but he didn't mind it. As long as you were okay now. Were you really though? No, not really. But at least you weren't still stuck in your endless spiral of anxiety.

"It's time for you to take a long and well-deserved break, studying like this has no use anyway. Your mental health is way more important than your exams, so let's call it a day."

He turned off the sink and carried you to his bed, spending the next couple hours cuddling until you eventually fell asleep in his arms from exhaustion. You are so lucky to have someone like him by your side. What would you do without him?

———————

A/N: did i write this after having a mental breakdown and panic attack because of my own upcoming exams? you bet.

(my first exam is actually in like 10 hours from now so yeah im still really scared but i can do this!)

a few months ago i wrote a poem about what it feels like to have panic attacks and i found it in my notes last week so that's what inspired me to write this, it really helps me cope with my own mental issues and that's why i mostly wrote this for myself. Because of that, this is an extremely personal topic but i wanted to share this with others since i know im not the only one going through this and i find it so important to spread more awareness about it. like i mentioned in the story, there really shouldn't be any reason for people to be ashamed about having panic attacks, so many people experience them throughout their life and its completely understandable to have them.

if anyone needs someone to talk to, for whatever reason, my dms are always open for everyone. love you all <3

[weirdkpopgirl]

Stronger Together | Haechan Fic #2

Title: Stronger Together

Genre: College AU, exes to lovers (sort of)

Warnings: mentions of mental health issues like anxiety and self-harm, bullying. the story gets very emotional

Word Count: 14k

Author's Note: Omg I've been working on this story for way too long. This has been on the backburner of my drive for months. And somebody sent a request, asking me to write something with Haechan where the reader has a hard time being vulnerable with him. So I thought I might as well finish this story since it fits that request? I apologize for how long and cliché it is. I was also heavily influenced by the k-dramas that take place in universities lol. Thank you guys for reading and I really hope you like it ^^

─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─

~ prologue ~

Everything felt like some tragic scene from a romance movie gone wrong. One that left the audience holding their breaths, afraid of what the character’s next move would be. Meeting at a café, the one close to your university. The aroma of fresh coffee filled the air. The dimmed ambiance, as it was no longer daytime. Soft music playing in the background. Then there was you two in the corner of the room. The warm drinks set atop the wooden table remained untouched. The carefree smiles faded gradually.

At last, the silence was broken. When you met his eyes, all the courage you mustered up dispersed. Then the words you never thought you’d hear yourself say fell from your lips.

“Let’s break up.”

The sun receded behind the somber, gray clouds as the storm took hold, leaving behind the absence of the once cherished feelings of warmth and radiance.

▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃

~ chapter one ~

“Yeonsung University’s Hae-Dal Couple Seen Sharing a Cute Moment Before Class,” Jaemin read aloud to the group.

You held back a grimace when you scrolled through the snapshots, most likely taken behind the school bushes. One of Donghyuck gently removing an eyelash off your cheek. One of you smiling fondly at him. One of him giving you an innocent kiss on the forehead. What began as a quiet exchange with your boyfriend had turned into morning gossip eagerly devoured by the students of Yeonsung.

“We look cute don’t we?” Donghyuck proudly swung an arm around your shoulders. Unlike you, he wasn’t bothered by the post at all. 

You shrugged in response. “I guess.”

Maybe you were just being sensitive. At the start of university, you had a lot of goals. Study hard, get good grades, and find a nice internship. Love and leisure? Those were not on the list. Yet somehow Lee Donghyuck, one of the most popular freshmen, just had to pursue you out of all the other girls who fawned over him.

A little over half a year has passed since you agreed to be his girlfriend—after numerous rejections, and you still haven’t adapted to your elevated social status. The way everyone stopped to look in awe at the two of you when walking by. How there always seemed to be someone with a phone to capture a single moment of your day and post it to the UniYeon, your college’s community site. The endless stream of comments praising you both as the epitome of couple goals and being jealous over your relationship with the one and only Lee Donghyuck was unrelenting.

Maybe you were crazy for disliking the attention, even though it wasn’t necessarily bad. Being a campus couple—with Lee Donghyuck much less, meant taking all the pressure that came with it. Your boyfriend seemed to have no problem ignoring what everyone else thought. So why was it so hard for you?

“Hey, guys!” Your best friend, Ahryun, snapped you out of your thoughts. “There’s this new fried chicken place that opened nearby. We should check it out. I heard there’s a special discount for university students there.”

Your lips parted, hesitant to respond, as a sense of wariness washed over you. Fortunately, Donghyuck spoke up, saving you both from the need to answer.

“Can’t. (Y/n) and I have a date for our 200-day anniversary,” He said proudly. You couldn’t help but smile when he turned to you with such loving eyes.

Although it felt like the whole university was watching your relationship like it was a reality show, you could handle the inconvenience. The love you had for Donghyuck allowed any wary thoughts to temporarily shift to the back of your mind. 

You never pictured yourself dating someone like him, honestly. To say the least, you and he were quite the opposite of each other. He was a social butterfly, who made everyone around him laugh. You were the more reserved type, sticking with small groups of friends, and hiding your face behind the thin rose-gold glasses you always wore. Donghyuck often left you wondering what made him like you in the first place.

The anticipation in Ahryun’s eyes dissolved into disappointment. “Ah, I see. What about you, Jaemin?”

“Sorry, I can’t either. It’s my turn to cook for Jeno and me,” Jaemin replied, rolling his eyes at the mention of his best friend. He peered up from his phone and shifted his attention to the group. “Also, it’s been 200 days already? Time flies.”

You and Donghyuck nodded in agreement. The dark-haired boy leaned back in his seat with a nostalgic look. “Ah, it felt like yesterday when Donghyuck followed (Y/n) around like some lost puppy.” 

Ahryun set her chin on the palm of her hand. “How did you handle him, (Y/n)-ah?”

“He just grew on me, I guess,” You shrugged, turning to look at the boy who gave unamused looks to the two people sitting across from you.

You reached your hand out to gently pet his head. “And it turned out he was very sweet and cute.”

Cliché words like this were rare from you. But seeing the pleased smile on Donghyuck’s face was sort of worth the minor embarrassment.

“See? (Y/n) loves me, thank you very much.” He childishly stuck his tongue out at your friends, earning a head shake from them. He stood up and offered his hand so you could walk out together.

 “Now if you excuse us, we have a reservation to prepare for.”

▃▃▃

Despite being seated not long ago, the fluttery feeling in your stomach had yet to leave you. Since you had planned your 100-Day anniversary date, Donghyuck took responsibility for this one. That’s how you find yourself at a classy Italian restaurant. When looking at the other tables, you felt underdressed in your powder blue dress that was quite plain.

“How did you find this place?” You asked conscientiously.

A part of you wanted to ask if you guys could afford this place, considering you were broke college students. But you didn’t want to cause any tension when his effort into planning this special day was clear.

He casually glanced up from the menu in his hands. For a moment you forgot you were also holding one. “I just came across it, when I was searching for restaurants we should try someday. This one has the rose pasta you like.”

“Oh, really?”

Finally, your eyes dropped down to your own menu. The slight nervousness you had began to fade as a small smile stretched across your lips.

You loved witnessing the rare moments where your boyfriend’s subtle consideration peeked through. He often pretended not to pay attention when you talked about a food you liked or an activity you’ve always wanted to try. But in reality, he secretly saved those small details in his pocket for future surprises. Honestly, you were lucky to be one of the few people to see this side of Donghyuck.

Once you adjusted to the new setting, dinner with Donghyuck was quite delightful. Dates with him often started with feelings of nervousness and hesitation. But Donghyuck’s humor and charm always managed to melt away your anxiety. It was in those times when you allowed yourself to relax and enjoy the present moment.

During the date, the topic of conversation mainly revolved around school. Since his major was music production and yours was creative writing, your schedules didn’t align. Some may hate the distance throughout the day, but you and Donghyuck truly didn’t mind.

Though the boy occasionally complained about how he missed you, having something to talk about when you were together was nice. You loved listening to him share his experiences, and learn about the classes he was taking. Donghyuck always had the most amusing stories about something that happened to him or one of his friends.

The bright blue sky disappeared as the evening settled in, just as your dinner came to a close. You may or may not have reprimanded Donghyuck when he went to the “bathroom,” but instead paid for the meal at the counter. 

“We could’ve split the check.” You crossed your arms in disapproval.

Knowing how stubborn your boyfriend could be, chastising him was futile. Yet you still did it. Which caused you to insist, “At least let me pay for drinks later.”

“Deal,” The boy agreed. “But before we go, I have a little something for you.”

Unsure of what to expect, you eyed him curiously as he reached into his jacket pocket. He brought out a cream-colored box and pushed the small item toward you.

“Open it.” 

Hesitantly, you took the box in with one hand and opened it with the other. The slightly smug smile on his face changed to one of satisfaction when you gasped.

Inside the box revealed a necklace and not just any necklace—one with a sterling silver chain, and a crescent moon pendant made of white gold. Instantly, you recognized the gift as a reference to your couple name, Hae-Dal. That was what your fellow peers started calling the two of you at the beginning of your relationship. This given title was probably the only thing you honestly didn’t hate about being a campus couple.

Hae was a word for sun, and dal meant moon. Donghyuck was the sun because of his bright and extroverted nature. On the other hand, the moon represented your cold and pessimistic demeanor. Despite your contrasting personalities, the balance between you two was nothing short of marvelous.

“Hyuck, you shouldn’t have…”

Leaning back in his seat, the grin on his face didn’t leave. “I know. I’m amazing aren’t I?”

His teasing response was out of instinct. However, it was also his way of covering up the warm sensation that filled his heart when you called him by his nickname. You were the only person who did.

“It’s perfect. Thank you, really,” You breathed, allowing yourself to smile at him.

Before you guys parted ways for the night, Donghyuck didn’t let you leave without helping you put on the necklace. You couldn’t control the blush on your cheeks when his fingers grazed your neck as he connected the clasp. Especially when he used his other hand to cup the side of your face to bring you closer to him. His lips connected to yours in one of the most tender kisses he’s ever given. The exchange left you feeling as though time had stopped and nothing else in the world mattered.

“I love you, (Y/n). Let’s stay together forever.” His tone was lighthearted. However, the intensity of his gaze and the unmistakable spark in his eyes revealed just how deeply committed he was.

Agreeing wholeheartedly, you gently pressed your forehead against his and whispered. “Yes, let’s do that.”

▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃

~ chapter two ~

For once, all of the negative thoughts in your mind quieted down. Despite having to wake up early for class, you felt more cheerful than usual. Even Ahryun noticed you had more energy today. The two of you met up in the library to do some homework.

“Okay, you’ve been acting like some lovestruck teenager all morning.” She gave you a weird look. “All because of Lee Donghyuck?”

You glanced up from the notes you were taking and smiled sheepishly. “Is it that obvious?”

Ahryun nodded and gestured to your neck. “Very. Did he give you that necklace?”

Almost instinctively, your hand reached to hold the pendant. You hadn’t taken it off since last night. Which was outstanding, considering you rarely wore jewelry.

“Wah, Donghyuck must really like you,” Ahryun smiled. “I wish I had a boyfriend to buy me expensive gifts.”

You shook your head. “That’s not why I like him though. The more I get to know Donghyuck, the more I see what a thoughtful person he is.”

Ahryun’s eyes widened with interest.  “Tell me more about him.”

Out of habit, you folded your arms self-consciously when she leaned forward on the table. Maybe your lack of experience in relationships was the reason it felt so weird to talk about, now that you were actually in one. Back in high school, Ahryun was the one who’d be going on and on about her past boyfriends. You were pretty sure all the boys in your grade crushed on her at least once.

A part of you used to envy her. Ahryun had the type of beauty that didn’t require much effort. She always had the best features, the best fashion sense, and the best social skills. Once you started university, you thought Ahryun would end up being one of those campus couples. So even now, you were still surprised how things were the other way around.

“We’ve been dating for almost seven months now. But it feels like he and I have known each other forever,” You spoke honestly, twirling a pencil in your left hand. “I’ve been thinking about this for a while now, but I’m ready to open up to Donghyuck about…you know.”

The intrigued expression on Ahryun’s face disappeared. “Oh (Y/n), are you still…?”

A part of you wanted to hide under the table when her eyes darted to your right arm. Despite it being fully concealed by your white sweater, you instinctively pulled the sleeve down further out of paranoia. Almost no one knew about the dark secret that hid beneath the fabric.

Ahryun was the only person at the university who knew about your history of mental illness. Due to the toxic environment, you grew up in, you’ve always been an anxious child. As you matured, you constantly doubted yourself, convinced that you were merely fabricating everything within your own mind. It wasn’t until high school that those insecurities sought to completely destroy you.

The present you still hated yourself. But back then, the self-hatred stored inside of you was immense. Eventually, a box cutter came into your possession. Tenth grade was the beginning of your long, messy history with self-harm. Things got so bad in the last year of high school that you recklessly ran into a busy street. You could still hear the sound of the car horns blaring.

Unfortunately, your attempt to end your life failed. Your actions led to an unwelcome reputation that spread like wildfire through the entire school. You became labeled as the "crazy suicide girl," attracting gawking students in the hallways and the judgmental gazes of teachers. Amidst this turmoil, Ahryun remained steadfast as your true friend, standing unwaveringly by your side, providing much-needed support throughout it all.

After going through that trauma, you knew that anxiety would be a lifelong battle for you. But since starting university, you were in a far better place than you were at seventeen years old.

“I haven’t done it since I met Donghyuck,” You answered honestly. “But I still think he deserves to know, don’t you think?”

Ahryun leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms, pondering on how to respond.

“To be honest, I don’t think telling him is a good idea.”

Confusion crossed your eyes. “Why?”

“Most guys leave their girlfriends right away when they find out they’re…mentally ill,” Ahryun slowly explained. “I wouldn’t be surprised if Donghyuck walked out on you right after you told him.”

The small bubble of optimism in you burst. You have heard stories in relation to what Ahryun was talking about. 

“But not all men are like that, right? Donghyuck isn’t the type to--”

Ahryun cut you off quickly and exhaled in frustration. “Seven months might seem long because this is your first relationship, (Y/n). Donghyuck might not get angry now if you tell him about your anxiety. But he’ll eventually get tired of helping you, and leave. Do you want that?”

No, that was the last thing you wanted. Ahryun was right. Your relationship with Donghyuck was the longest you’ve experienced, but it was also the only one. Though you knew him well now, there was no way of knowing what he might be like in the coming years. 

“Besides, Donghyuck is a busy person,” Ahryun continued. “He has to balance his studies with all the clubs he’s in, and his internship. Telling him his girlfriend has anxiety would just add more stress to his life.”

Your friend’s words left a sting in your heart. But you found yourself agreeing with her. You knew—possibly better than anyone, how much he had on his plate lately. On top of all that, he managed to make time for you too. Maybe you were being too selfish.

“Yeah…I don’t know what I was thinking.” You brushed the conversation off. “Just forget I said anything.”

When you defeatedly went back to taking notes, you missed the satisfied smirk on your best friend’s face.

▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃

~ chapter three ~

Even though a few days had passed, that conversation with Ahryun kept replaying in your head. You felt like an ongoing battle was being fought internally. Your heart wanted to open up to Donghyuck. But your brain kept reminding you of Ahryun’s warnings. You hated yourself for overthinking things like this.

Your distraction left you a little dazed, and you found yourself zoning out throughout the day. In chemistry class, you made a conscious effort to push those bothersome thoughts aside. You listened attentively when the senior TA, Jaehyun explained today's lab procedures at the start of class.

Fortunately, you had Huang Renjun as your lab partner. He appeared to know what he was doing, a lot better than you did. At the beginning of the semester, the two of you were both a little shy and kept to yourselves. It wasn’t until you met him outside of class that you became more acquainted with the male. Coincidentally, Renjun turned out to be your boyfriend’s roommate and good friend. So the two of you naturally became closer after discovering this mutual connection.

“I think we’re almost finished.” Renjun’s gentle voice stole your attention away from the data table in front of you.

You tried to hold your pen steadily, watching him carefully mix the measured solutions into one beaker. Once he did, you quickly wrote down your observations in a lab journal. Thanks to Renjun, your experiment for the day ran pretty smoothly.

It wasn’t until after completing the lab that something went wrong. While Renjun was washing his hands, you took it upon yourself to return the supplies you guys used. The class was bustling around, cleaning up their stations. You gripped the slightly heavy tray in your hands tightly, trying to not let the crowded environment overwhelm you. 

Jaehyun, looking to offer some assistance, came up from behind you. “Do you need help (Y/n)—”

You jumped at the sudden sound of the TA’s deep voice, and the tray in your hands dropped onto the floor with a clang, shattering a beaker in the process. A not-so-nice word immediately shot into your mind thereafter. You could already feel the stares of other students and tried to ignore them. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you!” Jaehyun quickly apologized, seeming just as alarmed as you were. 

You shook your head with a faint smile, and instinctively bent down to clean up the broken pieces of glass. “N-no it’s my fault, Sunbae. I should’ve been more careful.”

Jaehyun took a step back when Renjun rushed to your side with an apprehensive expression.

“Wait (Y/n), don’t use your bare hands to clean that. You’re going to hurt yourself,” Renjun said, reaching his hand out to stop you.

It was only after you registered his warning that you caught sight of crimson spots on your lab coat. You glanced down to see the palm of her hand bleeding profusely from a small cut. The previous shard of the glass must’ve been sharper than you anticipated.

Renjun cursed when he saw. “Oh no, that looks bad.”

Your brain went into panic mode when he took your hand to examine it. In doing so, your sleeve was accidentally pushed up, revealing several faded pink lines just below your wrist. Immediately, you tried to pull your arm away. But the look of dismay in Renjun’s eyes told you it was too late.

Before you could say anything, Renjun’s hand delicately enclosed around your wrist so that no one else would see what he saw. He cleared his throat and turned to Jaehyun.

“Sunbae, is it okay if I take (Y/n) to the nurse’s office?”

Jaehyun’s eyes flickered between you and Renjun, then gave a brisk nod. “Yes, take her. Make sure (Y/n)’s hand is properly cleaned and bandaged.”

“Don’t worry Sunbae, I’ll take care of her.” Renjun bobbed his head. “Let’s go, (Y/n).”

As Renjun escorted you out of the room, your front teeth anxiously sank into your lower lip. Neither of you said anything on the walk to the nurse’s office. Renjun politely asked the nurse for a first-aid kit. After obtaining it, he brought you to a secluded area to tend to your cut.

The silence between you continued, as he meticulously wiped the blood from your palm with a damp cloth. You had to use a great amount of willpower to prevent yourself from flinching as he applied ointment to the cut and then proceeded to bandage it.

Your breathing quickened when you felt his hand come in contact with your wrist. It was evident that he wanted to investigate further into what he saw earlier.

“Renjun, please.” You put your hand over his. “You don’t want to see them.”

Renjun’s eyes brimmed with melancholy. He’s never heard your voice sound so…fragile. Actually, he wasn’t certain if anyone had seen this side of you.

“You can trust me, (Y/n). I just want to make sure you’re okay,” he spoke with reassurance. 

You withdrew for a moment, debating whether or not to let him see. After taking a deep breath, you slowly rolled up your sleeve, revealing the marks which varied in different shades of pink and white.

The composed expression on Renjun’s face contorted into one of shock, an expected reaction that failed to quell the fear coursing through your veins. His fingers brushed over the scars, as he inspected them with a non-judgemental gaze.

But his words were still laced with worry. “(Y/n) these are…”

“Please don’t tell Donghyuck,” You cut him off with a whisper. 

Renjun’s brows knit together. “He doesn’t know about this?”

“He can’t.” Your head shook hastily. “If he finds out, he’ll see the truth and realize how crazy I am. He’ll leave me.”

The look in Renjun’s eyes softened as he placed a comforting hand on your shoulder.

“Listen to me, (Y/n). I don’t know what you’re struggling with. But I know that Donghyuck would never leave you for something like this. He’ll want to help and support you.”

You let Renjun's encouragement sink into your head. Could it be true that Donghyuck wouldn’t judge if he found out this dark secret of yours? Or would it be wiser to pay attention to Ahryun’s advice, and keep it to yourself like you were used to?

“I…I just don’t know.” Your voice faltered.

Renjun gave you an understanding smile. “You should tell him when you’re ready.”

You let out a shaky breath, allowing the weight of the conversation to settle on your chest. A part of you wanted to believe Renjun was right about all of this. After a moment of silence, you glanced up and gestured to your wrapped-up hand.

“Thank you. I’m sorry you had to see all this,” you said, feeling a twinge of guilt.

Before you could add anything, Renjun embraced you in a warm hug, catching you off guard. His actions came as a surprise, given that he was typically the least physically affectionate person in your friend group.

“Don’t apologize. You’re my friend too, Kang (Y/n), and I’m here for you.”

You had to force yourself to look up at the bland ceiling to keep the tears at bay. But just as they began to prick the corner of your eyes, the sound of sneakers creaking against the floor stole your attention. Both of your heads turned to see a light-haired boy dashing down the hallway.

“Yah, Kang (Y/n)!” 

You sprang away from Renjun’s arms and checked to make sure your scars were concealed before standing up. Donghyuck’s sprint came to a stop and his eyes widened with panic as he saw your bandaged hand.

“I was so worried when Jaehyun Hyung told me what happened. Are you okay?” He moved towards you, immediately pulling you into his embrace. 

You released a small breath, surrendering to the comfort of Donghyuck's embrace. Even though you would never confess it, his hugs were always a source of warmth and tenderness that could soothe any pain. It was in moments like these when you cherished his comfort. Even if he didn’t know what was going on.

“It’s just a scratch, Hyuck. I’m sorry for worrying you,” You insisted, glancing at Renjun with a pleading look.

Renjun understood you were silently asking him not to say anything. Honestly, his care for your mental state made him not want to listen to you. But at the same time, he knew he had to respect your decisions. 

After a few moments, Donghyuck pulled away to gently place his hand over the left side of your face. His eyes searched yours momentarily, before dropping down to your right hand.

You held it up for him to see. “Renjun helped wrap it up for me. So I’ll be fine.”

The tension in Donghyuck’s shoulders lessened a bit. He gave his friend an appreciative smile. “Thanks for looking after her, Renjun-ah.”

“Anytime,” Renjun hummed. He grabbed his bag and closed the first aid kit. “I have to go return this. See you guys later, take care (Y/n).”

Once Renjun left, Donghyuck focused his attention back on you. He used the soft padding of his thumb to gently caress your cheek.

“Are you sure you’re alright?” He asked with a slight pout. 

You nodded and squeezed his hand reassuringly.  It was endearing to see how worried Donghyuck was for you, and almost sickeningly sweet. You weren’t even that injured, but he still ran out of class. His actions only made you feel more loved.

However, Renjun's words from earlier lingered in your mind, and you realized that Donghyuck was your safe haven in moments like these. Although Ahryun's words still weighed heavily on you, you knew you couldn't keep your secret from Donghyuck any longer. He cared for you deeply, and as your significant other, he deserved to know.

▃▃▃

Later that day, Donghyuck and you decided to head back to your apartment. After an hour of studying, he suggested getting some takeout and continuing the drama series you’ve both been hooked on. The two of you sat at the far end of the sofa, snuggling underneath a fluffy white blanket.

As you rested your head against your boyfriend’s chest, you had to admit that being in his arms felt especially comforting that night. With the events of the day still weighing on you, the steady rhythm of Donghyuck’s heartbeat provided a soothing backdrop and eased the tension in your body.

Toward the second half of the episode, the female lead got into a heated argument with her boyfriend. The tension had risen after she reluctantly revealed her ex had been engaging in abrasive behavior in a poor attempt to win her back. 

“How long has this been going on for?” The man looked at her with a betrayed expression.

The woman crossed her arms insecurely and replied hesitantly. “The past two months.”

“Why did you wait so long to say something?” He demanded, slamming his wine glass on the table.

“Because I knew you’d react like this!” She retorted, frustration flashing in her eyes. 

The man scoffed in disbelief, running his fingers through his hair. “That’s not good enough! You shouldn’t have kept this from me.”

A feeling of unease filled you, as you witnessed the man stand up and storm out of the restaurant. You subtly glanced up at Donghyuck, wondering what he thought about the scene.

“Do you think he was overreacting?” You asked softly. 

Donghyuck tilted his head slightly, “Yeah, a little. But I understand why he’s upset at her for hiding something like that.”

“Well, I think she just didn’t want to worry him.” Your voice trailed off.

“I get that,” He said. “But he’s her partner, and keeping secrets from one another will only hurt their relationship.

“What would you do if I was keeping a secret?” You questioned hypothetically. “Like if I didn’t say anything because I thought it might hurt you?”

Donghyuck paused for a moment before answering honestly. “I would be more hurt if you didn’t trust me enough to be truthful. It’s important that we share things, even if it may be hard to hear at times.”

Listening to your boyfriend’s thoughts only caused a small knot of apprehension to form in your stomach. 

“You wouldn’t judge me or abandon me if I confided in you then?” You hoped he couldn’t hear the timidity in your voice.

He brushed a loose strand of hair behind your ear. The touch he left sent a tingling sensation down your spine. “Never. Whatever you’d be going through, I’d be by your side.”

You felt something catch in your throat as his sweet words sank in. When you first met, Donghyuck’s humorous behavior made you think he never took anything seriously. But talking to him now, you didn’t think you’d encountered a person who was more genuine than he was.

Taking his response as a confirmation to trust him, a rare feeling of determination consumed you. Reluctantly, you removed yourself from the comfort of Donghyuck’s arms and turn to face him.

“Actually Donghyuck, can I tell you something?”

A gentle concern filled the sun-kissed boy’s eyes as he sat up with you. His hand already reached out to grab your bandaged one, quelling the nerves that had quickly built up inside of you.

“Of course, Jagiya,” He responded patiently. “Whatever it is, I’m here to listen.”

You couldn’t think of a better moment to let Lee Donghyuck fully into your heart. The fear of what might or might not happen was not going to hold you back this time. He waited patiently, as you mentally pieced together what you were about to say. Your heart felt like it was about to jump out of your chest, but you tried to shake off the feeling. You haven’t been this nervous since the first time Donghyuck confessed to you.

After releasing a single deep breath, your lips parted to speak. “Hyuck there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you—”

However, your sentence was cut off by the sound of the front door being unlocked. Bursting through the door came your roommate, Yuna, her eyes wide with panic. Her ragged breathing made it evident she had rushed over here.

“Eonni, have you seen the latest post on UniYeon?” 

The mention of Yeonsung’s community site left you puzzled, your brows furrowing in bewilderment. You and your boyfriend exchanged looks of confusion.

“What are you talking about?” You tried to appear composed and unbothered by the disruption. When in reality, you were just trying to conceal the growing unease within you.

Yuna kicked off her sneakers before walking across the room. She pulled out her phone to show what she was referring to.

“I was studying in the library with my friends and some guys were talking about an article posted about you…” 

Donghyuck leaned in beside you to catch a glimpse. His actions prompted you to narrow your eyes in an attempt to decipher the tiny black Korean characters at the top of the screen. The headline read, Kang (Y/n) Spotted Holding Hands with Huang Renjun! 

You blinked a few times, wondering if you were hallucinating for a second. But the accusing words didn’t disappear. You tried to search for the name of the student who wrote this. But the post was anonymous. 

“What the hell?” Donghyuck hastily grabbed the phone. 

He scrolled down, revealing photos of you and Renjun in the hall earlier that day. The hall was usually empty, which made the situation look suspicious. The angles at which the photos were taken created an illusion that you were holding the boy’s hand as he knelt in front of you. When in reality, Renjun was only tending to the cut on your palm. 

“This is ridiculous. How can anyone believe this crap?” He scoffed. 

“Are you okay Eonni?” Your roommate’s voice was barely audible to you. An overwhelming feeling of dread was already beginning to consume you.

But you managed to plaster on a light-hearted smile. “It’s fine, Yuna. Thanks for letting me know.”

Yuna gave you an apologetic look as she accepted her phone back before excusing herself from the room. After she left, you reached for your laptop to pull up the article and stopped at the comment section. 

What an ungrateful b*tch! How dare she cheat on Lee Donghyuck?!

Omo, who does she think she is, going after her boyfriend’s close friend?

Aish, it’s always the sneaky quiet ones that are the devils in disguise.

Donghyuck put his hand over yours before you could scroll any further. Despite the anger simmering about the situation, he recognized the difficult position you were put in.

“Don’t listen to the garbage spewing out of their mouths.” He said firmly, closing the laptop. “We both know the truth, and that’s all that matters.”

“But still…I should’ve been more careful,��� You muttered warily, running your fingers through your hair. 

He quickly reached to take your hand in his. “Hey, none of this is your fault, (Y/n)-ah. Don’t waste your energy on people who have nothing better to do than spread rumors.”

Your shoulders sank, taking in his words. His response was so natural and confident, leaving you in awe by how he didn’t place any blame on you. 

“Yeah, you’re right.” You return to your previous cuddling position and rest your head on his chest.

You felt the boy smile as his arms encircled your waist. “Oh, right. Weren’t you going to tell me something?”

Your mind raced back to what the two of you were talking about earlier. Hesitation filled you, and that small bout of courage you had was gone. 

“Oh—um, it can wait,” You brushed him off.

Donghyuck noticed your gaze shift downward, and he was about to encourage you to just tell him whatever it was right then. But then you snuggled closer to him, gently squeezing his waist.

“I just want to stay like this for a little longer,” You murmured into his t-shirt, trying to push away all the bad thoughts.

His heart quickened, and he couldn’t stop the stupid grin that formed. He wondered how someone could possibly be this adorable. While a part of him was still curious about what you were saying earlier, he was content with having you in his arms for now.

▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃

~ chapter four ~

Ahryun glanced at her reflection on her phone screen anticipatingly, as she stood under the camellia tree at the heart of the campus. Earlier this morning, Donghyuck asked if they could meet up. Receiving a text from the popular male was enough to make her heart skip a beat. Her mind instantly overflowed with all the possible reasons why he asked to meet her. Fortunately, she didn’t have to wait long, as he showed up in his favorite blue drawstring hoodie and a pair of black ripped jeans.

“Hey, thanks for responding so fast.” He quickly greeted her.

“Of course. What did you want to talk to me about?” She asked sweetly. 

Donghyuck was too distracted to notice the dreamy smile that graced Ahryun’s lips. He wasted no time in getting to the point. “It’s just…(Y/n). You saw the post yesterday, right?”

“I did,” Ahryun slowly answered. Her smile faded as a tinge of disappointment quickly clouded her previously optimistic disposition. 

“People have been making a lot of stupid comments,” he male shook his head. “And even though she might pretend to be okay, I know this is affecting her. So I wanted to ask if you could keep her occupied?”

“Keep her occupied?”

Donghyuck’s eyes fell to the ground, before nodding. “I wish I could be with her, but my internship is today. And I thought since you’re her best friend, you could try to distract her from looking at her phone too much?”

Ahryun inhaled, trying to suppress her outrage. She should’ve known he would bring up her. What was so great about you that made Donghyuck feel like he needed to protect you from the real world? 

Holding back the urge to scoff, Ahryun masked her emotions behind a forced smile.

“Silly, I was already planning to take her out today,” She said. “But I would’ve done so even if you didn’t ask me to.”

The boy in front of her visibly relaxed, a look of relief washing over his face. “Yeokshi, Min Ahryun. I knew I could count on you.”

Her heart fluttered when he gave her an appreciative smile. He certainly wasn’t one of Yeonsung’s prince charmings for no reason. 

Donghyuck checked his watch and let out a soft curse under his breath. “I gotta go. My class starts in 11 minutes.”

Ahryun nodded understandingly before holding her hand out to stop him from leaving.

“Honestly, I’ve been worried about (Y/n) too, and not just because of the community post,” She admitted.

He turned to her with a confused look and waited for her to continue. She hesitated briefly before speaking up.

“She got diagnosed with anxiety last year. But I’m sure you already knew, right?”

His heart instantly sank to his stomach upon this revelation. A part of him wanted to believe Ahryun was joking. But you had been acting strange yesterday. Was this what you were trying to tell him about?

Ahryun fought back a sly grin, finding it hard to contain her amusement at his dismay. She pretended to be shocked with a feigned gasp. “Oh my, she probably didn’t want you to find out. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Anxiety? She didn’t…she never said…” 

Your friend grabbed his wrist in panic. "Please, Donghyuck-ah, you can't let her know that I told you. It's a sensitive topic for her, and she must have hidden it from you for a reason."

Based on the dumbfounded expression on his face, it was evident that the boy was rendered speechless. Ahryun had achieved the exact reaction she wanted. Donghyuck would never see you as that sweet and shy girl anymore. You resembled a fragile Jenga tower, seemingly growing taller. But it would only take a single block for you to collapse.

▃▃▃

You had thought about skipping class today. However, the rational part of your brain that wouldn’t allow anything to disrupt your academic focus, screamed a resounding “no” to you. Donghyuck offered to walk you to class, not wanting you to go alone. But you kindly declined, knowing his class was on the opposite side of campus. You weren’t going to trouble him with the extra distance.

However, the regret of that decision slowly crept up on you as soon as you set foot on campus. You didn't know what part of you believed you could handle the relentless gazes and barely restrained whispers all by yourself. Each passing minute in class felt like an eternity, with lingering glances directed your way. You felt as though you were under a microscope, a new specimen being scrutinized.

You released a quiet sigh, redirecting your focus to the professor's lecture. Aware that this was your last class for the day, you reminded yourself that enduring it for a mere fifty minutes was manageable. 

However, by the time the lecture was over, you had barely taken five steps when the buzzing of your phone disrupted your escape plan. Letting out a small sigh, you reached into your bag to take out the cellular device. The notification turned out to be a text from Ahryun four minutes ago. She had sent a message asking if you were out of class and wanted to meet up after.

On any other occasion, you would have readily agreed. But in that particular moment, all you wanted to do was retreat to the comfort of your apartment. You began to type a polite decline to her, as you made your way out of class. Coincidentally, the male you were currently caught up in a scandal with, approached you. 

“Hey, can we talk for a second?” He spoke in a hushed tone.

You mentally groaned at the icy reception students gave when they saw the two of you in the same place. Although you were pretty sure you were the one they were rolling their eyes at. Renjun shot a condescending glare at anyone who looked for too long.

After moving outside, Renjun let out a heavy sigh. “I’m really sorry about this, (Y/n). It’s unbelievable that someone would take photos of us like that.”

“You don’t need to apologize,” You replied with a faint smile. “Remember the threats I received when Donghyuck and I first started dating? I should be used to this by now.”

Your boyfriend’s roommate glanced at you with a mixture of concern and frustration in his eyes. “But that doesn’t make it right. Especially when it comes to invading your privacy and spreading rumors,” He deadpanned. 

You didn't anticipate Renjun being just as furious as Donghyuck about the situation. It warmed your heart to know that you had people in your life who cared deeply for you and were ready to stand up for you. It made you wish you could be as strong-minded as them.

Just as you were about to respond, your conversation was abruptly cut short. 

"There you are, Kang (Y/n). I've been looking for you!" You turned towards Ahryun, who was swiftly making her way down the hallway towards you and Renjun.

“Oh sorry. I was just about to answer your text,” You said sheepishly, rubbing the back of your neck. 

A look of understanding flashed in her eyes before she noticed Renjun standing beside you. She warily gestured between the two of you with her finger. “Won’t it be suspicious if people see you together right now? Unless you guys are actually…”

“No, it’s not like that,” You stopped her from finishing her sentence, your brows furrowing in puzzlement. Did she seriously believe that you and Renjun would go behind Donghyuck’s back like that?

Renjun promptly came to your defense. “Yeah, I was just checking if (Y/n) was alright.”

The slightest trace of irritation could be heard in his voice as if he felt no need to provide Ahryun with an explanation when nothing was going on.

In response, Ahryun chuckled and playfully tapped you on the arm. "Wow, you two got so serious all of a sudden. I was just teasing," she said with a lighthearted tone.

You breathed a small sigh of relief, silently reprimanding yourself for entertaining the thought that your closest friend would think so low of you. 

 “I was thinking we should go see a movie today,” She said, linking her arm through yours. 

To which you responded with a hesitant expression, contemplating the idea. “I don’t know…I kind of just want to go home.”

“Oh come on, going out on a day like this will help take your mind off things,” Ahryun persisted. “You can join us if you’d like Renjun-ssi.”

Renjun declined with a polite smile, “Thanks, but I’m supposed to meet up with my group for a project this evening. You guys have fun though.”

You nodded understandingly, giving a friendly wave to Renjun before Ahryun took the lead, guiding you away.

▃▃▃

You zoned out during the movie, barely noticing when it reached its conclusion. Your mind seemed elsewhere, and you were only vaguely aware of the film coming to an end. Ahryun went to get a refill on her drink, while you waited for her near the entrance doors.

“(Y/n)?” A voice called out, capturing your attention. As you turned, your gaze fell upon a boy wearing a black hoodie adorned with a charming cat design. He was holding a half eaten bucket of popcorn.

“Oh hi, Jeno. What are you doing here?”

Jeno approached you with a friendly smile in return. “Jaemin dragged me here to watch this action movie with him. How about you?”

“I came here with Ahryun,” You replied. Jeno nodded in acknowledgment.

“How are you and Donghyuck?” He asked. “I heard you two recently celebrated your 200-day anniversary.”

You couldn't help but blush at the mention of such a seemingly trivial milestone. “It’s not that big of a deal,” You said, lowering your gaze.

“Well, I’d say reaching day 200 with Lee Donghyuck is quite an achievement. His relationships in high school barely made it past 20 days,” Jeno teasingly remarked, earning a laugh from you.

Jeno laughed along with you before adding, “But seriously, Donghyuck is lucky to have you. You guys have something special.” 

His words carried a genuine warmth, which you appreciated. It surprised you every time when one of Donghyuck’s friends showed genuine acceptance toward you. They had been so quick to welcome you into their friend group when you two first started dating.

“Thanks, Jeno,” you said, hoping he could feel the sincerity in your words. 

Why should you care about the opinions of others when you had all the encouragement you needed? The unwavering support from Donghyuck's friends and the strength of your bond with him made any external judgments or remarks seem insignificant.

▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃▃

~ chapter five ~

"Okay, you have got to be kidding me," you groaned in frustration as you glanced at your phone. 

The sight that greeted you was a series of pictures of you and Jeno from the other day, and now the online community site was blowing up with speculation. The comments were even worse than the last time. Before you could go down a rabbit hole of scrolling, Donghyuck swiftly snatched your phone out of your grasp.

“Hyuck,” you softly protested, extending your hand to retrieve your phone back. But he pulled his arm back, keeping the device out of reach.

“Nope.” He shook his head. “I’m confiscating this for today.”

“But–”

Donghyuck placed a quick peck on your lips before you could finish that sentence. “You shouldn’t care about what they think, babe.”

He glanced back at the article with an annoyed sigh. He didn’t understand why people were going after you. Couldn’t they just leave your relationship alone?

“Are you alright, though?” He asked, placing a hand over yours.

You nodded, “Of course I am.”

Of course, you were lying. The recent posts and the increased gossip bothered you more than they should. A part of you blamed yourself for all this happening. But you couldn’t tell Donghyuck that. Worrying him wasn’t going to make things better.

“Well if you are struggling, you can tell me okay?” He gave your hand a gentle squeeze.

For some reason, you sensed a subtle undercurrent of concern in his words. But you brushed it off as your tendency to overthink things, convincing yourself it was nothing.

Later that day, you were hanging out at Ahryun’s apartment. You lay flat on the floor in her bedroom, staring up at the ceiling while countless thoughts swam in your head. 

“I just don’t understand why this keeps happening,” you sighed, venting your frustrations. “It’s like no matter where I go, someone is watching.”

Ahryun cast a glance back at you through her vanity mirror. "Someone must really not want you two together.”

“You think?” You frowned. 

A lot of people didn’t like you being with Donghyuck. But whoever kept posting photos of you on the community site was clearly targeting you, leaving you apprehensive about the situation.

“Well I’m sure there are plenty of girls who find it difficult to accept you and Donghyuck being together,” Ahryun spoke nonchalantly, as she picked out a pink lip tint to wear. “They just can’t stand the fact that the popular and charming Lee Donghyuck is with someone so different.”

You pondered whether you truly were that different as Ahryun said. Sure, you might not come from a privileged background or possess the most striking physical appearance. You were ordinary, just like everyone else. What was so wrong about that?

“But seriously, you shouldn’t let it bother you (Y/n). There will always be people who will hate on you,” Ahryun said.

“Yeah you’re right…”

She did have a valid point. As long as you remained a college student navigating a judgmental society, criticism would inevitably be a part of your experience. Dwelling on it wasn’t going to get you anywhere.

Letting out a sigh, you sat up and directed your gaze towards the clock on Ahryun's nightstand, realizing the time.

"Hey, can I borrow your phone for a moment?" you asked, breaking the silence. "I should message Donghyuck to let him know I'm here."

"Of course," Ahryun smiled warmly, extending her hand to pass you the device.

Mouthing a quick thank-you, you received Ahryun's phone and swiftly began searching for your boyfriend's contact information. Just as you located his number, a notification popped up, drawing your attention. Your curiosity piqued, you briefly glanced at the preview, which read: "Someone commented on your post, 'Kang (Y/n) Seen Out with Lee Jeno at the Movies'." Having a weird feeling, you clicked on the notification, leading you to the UniYeon app. Scrolling up, your disbelief grew as you discovered that Ahryun…was the owner of the post

Overwhelmed, you decided to investigate further and opened her photo gallery. To your astonishment, you discovered numerous pictures of you and Renjun, followed by images of you and Jeno. 

No, you couldn’t fathom this. Ahryun was your closest friend. She was someone you trusted wholeheartedly. She would never…

"Ahryun... what is all this?" you asked, confusion evident in your voice. A part of you desperately hoped that none of this could be true.

Ahryun spun around in her chair and met the look of betrayal in your eyes. She cursed when she saw you had the post open on her phone.

"(Y/n), I can explain—," she began. 

You stepped back, unable to fully comprehend the situation. "Wait, so it was you all along? Why…" 

Ahryun turned away, averting her gaze for a moment. Amid the tense silence, you caught the faint sound of a laugh slipping out from her lips.

“You know, you’re really pathetic Kang (Y/n),” She sneered, her words cutting through the air with a sharp edge. “Yes, it was me.”

You were startled by the sudden change in your best friend’s demeanor. “Why would you do that? The whole school is talking crap about me because of those posts.”

Ahryun fixed her gaze upon you, her expression lacked any remorse. There was an unsettling absence of any regret in her eyes, almost as if she were relieved to be exposed in this way. It was as if she had been waiting for the moment to discard the pretense of caring about you.

“Because I’ve liked Donghyuck long before you did,” she confessed. “I got tired of seeing you with him.”

Her resentful words revealed the depth of her hidden emotions. Your heart sank further, as you processed things. The revelation hit you like a tidal wave, making sense of Ahryun’s actions. 

“So you wanted to sabotage me?” You shook your head in disbelief. “Why…we’ve been friends for so long.”

A smirk tugged at the corners of Ahryun's lips, her eyes gleaming with a hint of cruel satisfaction as she observed the wavering in your voice. Witnessing you in such a vulnerable state, after so long, seemed to gratify her.

“No matter how many times I thought about it, I just don’t get why he had to be with you, of all girls,” she said bitterly. 

You took a deep breath, trying to process the magnitude of Ahryun’s actions. Seeing this new side of her left you questioning the authenticity of your friendship. Doubt crept in, as you considered the possibility that she had been pretending to be your friend this whole time.

“So you thought going behind my back and spreading false information about me would make us break up?”

"We both know how fragile you can be," Ahryun said slowly, her words carrying a calculated edge. "Like you were in high school."

The implication of her statement cut deep, resurrecting memories of past vulnerabilities. It felt as if she was exploiting your past struggles to justify her actions, further fueling the hurt and confusion that consumed you.

Before you could counter her words, Ahryun forcefully took hold of your arm. You gasped when she yanked your sleeves up, exposing the scars that held too many painful memories.

“Just remember that if he sees these hideous scars,” She threatened. “And when he does, he’ll see how broken you are. Nobody wants someone who is mentally unstable.”

Tears welled up in your eyes, as you’ve never felt more defenseless. She was using your past struggles as a weapon to tear you apart. Then to further sting to her words, she placed her hand on your shoulder as a twisted display of false comfort.

“If you can’t handle the facts, maybe you guys shouldn’t be together,” She said.

You stood up, gripping your bag tightly, and met her icy glare.

“Donghyuck isn't who you think he is,” you managed to say, your voice quivering. “He loves me, and nothing you say or do will ever change that.”

With a heavy heart, you turned away, a rush of long-forgotten emotions flooding through you. You didn’t bother to stop the tears from falling as you walked away. As much as you didn’t want to admit it, you could already sense yourself slipping back into the depths of a dark place you hadn't visited since your teenage years.

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~ chapter six ~

A week had passed since your fallout with Ahryun, and you were doing your best to not let things get to you. But it was hard not to. You spent sleepless nights thinking about how things went wrong, and the subtle indications you failed to notice. Like her evident intrigue whenever you spoke about him, or the way her eyes lit up whenever his name was mentioned. 

Nevertheless, you buried yourself in your schoolwork in hopes to tune out everything that was happening. Donghyuck noticed you seemed more withdrawn lately. You could see the concern in him growing, but you insisted that everything was fine.

One day you were on your way to meet Donghyuck after his class and stopped in the cafeteria to buy drinks for the both of you. You were inserting a dollar bill into the vending machine when a group of girls approached you unexpectedly. Their focused glares at you were filled with disdain and judgment.

“Look at that, it’s Kang (Y/n) the cheater.” one of the girls said, her voice dripping with hostility. “First it was Huang Renjun, and then Lee Jeno. Who’s next, Na Jaemin?”

You shrank back slightly, clenching your fists as you fought to maintain your composure. Despite them being three harmless girls, any sort of conflict easily intimidated you. Your heart raced, and a surge of anxiety threatened to overwhelm you, but you were determined to stand your ground.

 “Please, you don’t know anything,” you said, your voice firm and steady. “So stay out of it.”

“You see, no one believes that quiet nice girl facade you try to uphold,” the girl beside the first one, scowled. “If you’re smart, you’d break up with him. I’m sure you’re aware that you don’t deserve him.”

You tried to not show them how their words pierced through you like a needle. The hate comments were bad enough. But being confronted in person made the situation ten times scarier.

Determined to not succumb to their empty threats, you grabbed the beverages from the vending machine and made the move to leave. But before you could escape their presence, the third girl twisted the cap off her soda bottle and spilled it on you. In mere seconds your clothes were drenched in the sticky liquid.

“Oops, my bad,” she laughed mockingly. 

A wave of humiliation crashed over you, as you felt the weight of the stares and the whispers echoing through the cafeteria. Out of the corner of your eye, you spotted Ahryun standing from a distance, watching in amusement. Was this all some twisted joke to her?

Back in high school, she was the only one who defended you. Now knowing her support and loyalty had been fake, made the sight of her standing idly by more painful.

Just as you were ready to break down, a voice yelled from behind you.

“Yah, what the hell do you think you’re doing to her?”

Turning your gaze, you saw Donghyuck storming into the cafeteria. His eyes were blazing with anger. 

“Hyuck—” You tried to stop him before he could make the situation worse. But he was too angry to listen.

“You think it’s acceptable to gang up on someone based on false information?” His eyes glowered intensely. “You have no right to harass her or make judgments without knowing the whole truth.”

The cafeteria fell into an uneasy silence, the whispers fading into the background as his words reverberated through the space. The girls who had targeted you were momentarily taken aback by Donghyuck's unyielding defense, their expressions shifting from arrogance to uncertainty.

Deciding he had enough of this, Donghyuck firmly grasped your hand and guided you away from the prying eyes and tense atmosphere. He let out a sigh of concern as his gaze fell upon the stained fabric of your shirt, prompting him to remove his hoodie and put it on you.

“I’m so sorry (Y/n),” he mumbled, even though he wasn’t the one who should be apologizing. “Are you okay?”

You shook your head. “I’m fine, Hyuck. Don’t worry about it.”

“Are you sure though?” he asked, extending his hand towards you.

But you took a step back, feeling frustrated. “Yes, I already told you. I’m fine.”

“(Y/n)—”

“I just… I just want to be alone right now, okay?” You placed the drink you bought in his hands and walked past him.

Later that night, you found yourself once again unable to fall asleep. It felt like the troublesome thoughts in your head were slowly killing you, weighing heavily on your conscience. The weight of self-blame consumed you, as you couldn't help but think that all of this was your fault. It’s been so long since you felt this way, completely worthless. You didn’t deserve to have someone as sweet as Donghyuck in your life. 

Without thinking much, you sluggishly sat down in your desk chair and absentmindedly opened the drawer. Inside lay an old friend you hadn't laid eyes on in ages. Ignoring the creeping sense of dread, you lifted the gleaming box cutter from the drawer.

Holding your breath, you tightly gripped the handle and pulled up your sleeve. You barely felt it when the cold blade punctured your flesh, tracing a diagonal line across your pale skin. Tears streamed down your cheek as you repeated the same incisions, mirroring the first one. The sensation of hot blood seeping out became palpable with each new cut.

You honestly didn't know how you would react if Donghyuck were to witness you in this state. The fear of him discovering the depth of your brokenness was more terrifying than the fresh scars that adorned your skin. Perhaps Ahryun was right, maybe you couldn’t handle this.

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~ chapter seven ~

You kept your gaze locked on the steaming cup of hot chocolate, anxiously waiting for the arrival of your boyfriend. He rushed into the café with an apologetic smile, as he sat down in the empty chair across from you.

“Sorry, I’m late. Renjun needed my help with something,” he said.

In response, you slid the other drink in his direction with an understanding smile. “I got your usual.”

"You are the best," he praised, lifting the cup of coffee to his lips for a sip.

You listened quietly as he shared about how busy he’s been lately with school and his internship. However, the gnawing sensation in your stomach kept you from fully focusing on the conversation.

“Oh, right!” Donghyuck’s eyes lit up as if a light bulb suddenly went off in his brain. “Your birthday is coming up, babe. What do you want to do?”

It was at that moment, you recognized the pressing need to speak up before your courage slipped away.

“Donghyuck…there’s something I have to say,” you spoke cautiously. 

The confusion in his eyes, when you used his full name, was almost unbearable for you to see. But he waited expectantly to hear whatever you were about to say. The fact that he was oblivious to the reason you asked him to meet you here made you feel nauseated. You were aware that you couldn't continue to tiptoe around the issue for much longer.

Taking a deep breath, you locked eyes with him once more. Without allowing any room for hesitation, you uttered the next three words with unwavering determination.

"Let’s break up.”

You witnessed his face falter, a stunned look settling in as he struggled to comprehend the gravity of the situation.

“(Y/n)...what are you saying?” he chuckled half-heartedly. “You’re not being serious, right?”

Biting down on your lip, you used the explanation you had carefully prepared. “I realized that I can’t do this whole campus couple thing anymore. It feels suffocating, like every moment we spend together, people are watching and waiting to criticize me for something."

“I…I had no idea you felt that way,” Donghyuck swallowed, his voice tinged with surprise at your confession. “But (Y/n), we can work through this. I promise—”

“No, we can’t,” you deadpanned. “You should find someone better than me.”

You’ve never despised yourself more than you did in this moment. The hurt in his eyes reflected your own, a stark reminder that you were the source of his new pain.

In dismay, Donghyuck reached for your hand in desperation. “(Y/n) please, don’t do this.”

“I’m sorry, but I’ve already made up my mind,” your voice trembled with a mix of despondence and resignation.

Slowly you reached behind your neck and unclasped the necklace he gave you a while ago. Holding back tears, you delicately placed the shimmering moon pendant in his hand. Returning this symbol of your connection was far more heart-wrenching than you had anticipated.

The weight of the decision pressing on your shoulders, you gathered your belongings and rose from your seat, your determination masking the cracks in your resolve. The distant echoes of his anguished voice calling after you tugged at your heart, but you ignored them. With quickened steps, you hastened out of the café, your eyes fixed on the path ahead, knowing that if you allowed yourself even a moment of hesitation, you’d give into your selfish emotions.

You never cried so hard in your life as you did that evening when you returned to your apartment. You had just pushed away the one person who had brought so much joy into your once gloomy life. But as long as your mind continued to waver, you understood the importance of keeping everyone at a distance was safer.

Even though it meant bringing an end to a love that was incredibly precious to you, deep down, you told yourself that things were better this way.

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~ chapter eight ~

The next month following your breakup, felt like a self-imposed prison sentence. As the days blurred together, you had become a shadow of your former self. With the absence of your best friend and boyfriend, you found solace in isolation, confining yourself to the four walls of your apartment. It felt as if you were bound to your living space, only leaving to attend classes or go to your part-time job at the library.

The mere thought of encountering Donghyuck outside filled you with an overwhelming sense of unease, making it unbearable to step foot beyond the safety of your apartment. The idea of facing him, of seeing the pain reflected in his eyes or the awkwardness that would surely follow, was something you couldn't bring yourself to confront.

With your mental state continuing to deteriorate, you found yourself falling back into old habits. The blade in your drawer became the sinister companion you turned to when the emotional pain became too much. At some point, you stopped feeling anything as you wiped the crimson trails that traced down your arm.

Despite the tireless efforts of several friends, their attempts to reach out to you were met with distant silence and evasive responses. Renjun had repeatedly urged you to call him if you wanted to talk, while Jeno and Jaemin tried their best to cheer you up. However, their kind gestures only served to make your heartache worse. You knew that they were deeply concerned for both you and Donghyuck. 

Secretly, you harbored the hope that the breakup wasn’t affecting Donghyuck just as deeply as it was for you. In a bittersweet twist, now that he was no longer tied to you, all you wanted was for him to move on swiftly and find happiness without you.

On a Friday night, Jaemin had made his way to your apartment. He sat with you on the couch, saddened by your withdrawn state. The toll of your emotional turmoil was evident in your appearance. 

You had forsaken the delicate hues of your wardrobe, the creamy whites and light blues that once adorned your form, for a monochrome palette of darkness. Your complexion had lost its natural radiance, leaving your skin pale and lacking its usual vitality. Dark circles had etched their mark under your weary eyes, evidence of the sleepless nights and internal struggles you had endured.

“Come with me to the spring festival,” Jaemin suggested. “It’s your favorite event of the school year.”

You looked up at him with a weak smile, your eyes reflecting a mix of gratitude and despair. Subconsciously, you tugged down on the ends of your sleeves, afraid your scars might show. 

“I’m sorry Jaemin. But I really can’t...right now,” you mumbled. “It wouldn’t be right for me to go out and have fun.”

Jaemin’s expression filled with genuine concern, as he reached to put his hand on your shoulder. “Don’t say that (Y/n),” he said softly, his voice laced with empathy. “I understand that you’re having just as much of a hard time as Donghyuck is right now. But shutting yourself out from the rest of the world isn’t healthy. You know he wouldn’t want to see you like this.”

The mention of his name was enough to cause your lip to quiver. You raised a trembling hand to press against your watery eyes. 

Shaking your head, you lamented, “No, I don’t deserve your kindness or anyone else’s. I’m a terrible person. You don’t even know, Jaemin.”

It hurt Jaemin to see his friend so distraught. While he had a faint understanding of your tendency to self-criticize, he didn’t think you’d be this harsh on yourself. He had a hunch that you didn't truly desire to end things with Donghyuck.

You cried into Jaemin’s shoulder a bit, feeling oddly better after letting out some of your emotions. Once you calmed down, Jaemin tried to convince you again about the spring festival.

“Come on, it’ll be good for you to step outside for a bit,” He insisted. “You don’t even have to stay that long. If you’re not feeling it, I’ll bring you back here.”

Just the thought of stepping into a crowd after the recent events sent a shiver down your spine. But Jaemin’s unwavering support and effort to help you reclaim some sort of normalcy, made you feel guilty. Deep down, you knew you couldn’t keep hiding forever. Maybe, just maybe, you could go out this once for a little distraction.

With a hesitant nod, you gathered the strength to pull yourself off the couch. “Okay, Jaemin. I’ll try, but no promises.”

Jaemin jumped up with excitement, his face lighting up as he urged you to the door. Once you arrived at the festival, you were greeted by the enchanting glow of the hung-up lanterns and spring-themed music playing in the background. The sight of cherry blossom petals dancing in the air reminded you of why you liked the festival so much in the first place.

“Kang (Y/n), you made it!” Renjun waved to you from one of the booths. Jeno stood beside him and gave you a kind smile.

Seeing familiar faces reignited a small flicker of joy you haven’t experienced in a while. Gradually, you allowed yourself to be swept away by the night. You let the guys guide you through the vibrant booths, adorned by colorful decorations. The air was filled with the aroma of sizzling fishcakes and the subtle fragrance of peach-flavored soju. You made a conscious effort to ignore the icy stares that people directed toward you.

Amidst the bustle of the festivities, your eyes caught a glimpse of a certain two people seated on one of the benches. Donghyuck appeared to be slightly drunk, and Ahryun was sitting right beside him. Ignoring any feelings of unease, you discreetly walked closer to where they were. 

“I miss her so much. Nothing feels the same anymore without her,” Donghyuck blubbered. “I should’ve been there for her more and realized she was hurting.”

Ahryun reached out to tenderly hold his hand. “It’s not your fault, Donghyuck. (Y/n) made her own choices, and you shouldn’t be miserable because of her.”

She paused before gathering the courage to continue. “You know, I’ve liked you for some time now Donghyuck-ah.”

The boy’s expression shifted, caught off guard by Ahryun’s abrupt confession. He might be a little intoxicated, but his senses were still intact.

“I know how it sounds. But I liked you long before (Y/n) did,” Ahryun persisted. “And since you guys broke up I thought…”

“So what, you thought you could step in and replace (Y/n)? Is that it?” He started to question her intentions.

Ahryun’s eyes cried out with desperation. “I…I could be better for you than she was, Donghyuck. (Y/n) was just weak, unable to handle the challenges of being in a relationship.”

Donghyuck's eyes hardened, his protective instincts kicking in. "Aren't you her friend?" he asked. "Why are you talking about her like that?"

Ahryun's desperation heightened as she felt her chance slipping away. Ignoring his question, she leaned in closer, her voice now a seductive whisper. With a determined grip on his jacket collar, she tried to pull him closer to her.

"Donghyuck, if you just let me," Ahryun murmured, her voice filled with an unsettling mixture of desire and urgency.

That was when you reached your breaking point. The sight of Donghyuck and Ahryun, coupled with the flood of conflicting emotions inside you, became too overwhelming to bear. Slowly, you began to backtrack, stepping away from the scene that brought you so much pain. Each step felt heavier than the last as if the weight of your emotions was pulling you down. You turned in the opposite direction, determined to leave it all behind.

Just as you left the scene, Ahryun leaned closer to kiss Donghyuck. You missed seeing him push her away in outrage. He quickly stood up from the bench, his face contorted with anger and disappointment.

"Are you kidding me right now?" he exclaimed, his voice filled with disbelief. He locked his gaze with Ahryun, his eyes burning with a mix of frustration and disgust.

"Kang (Y/n) is the person for me," he declared firmly. "Not you or anyone else."

He left Ahryun feeling torn, with not even the slightest bit of sympathy. However, his path was interrupted when he spotted Jaemin standing nearby, his face filled with panic.

"Hold on, Hyuck," Jaemin spoke urgently, his voice quivering. "You need to know that (Y/n) saw Ahryun try to kiss you. She... she didn't look too good.”

Donghyuck took a step back, his heart sinking, and let out a frustrated curse. As if his night couldn't get any worse. "Where did she go?" he asked Jaemin, his voice tinged with worry. 

As soon as Jaemin pointed him in the right direction, Donghyuck swiftly turned and hurried in the path you had taken. His heart raced as he desperately tried to catch up to you.

"(Y/n), wait!" he called after you.

Your body tensed at the sound of his voice and you froze in your tracks. The last thing you wanted was to see him right now. But Donghyuck wasn’t going to let you slip away so easily.

He approached you, his breath coming out in labored gasps. “Please, can we just talk?”

The pleading tone in his voice was what caused you to give in. Cautiously, you turned around to face him.

“What is it?” You were almost afraid to ask.

“Did you…did you know that Ahryun liked me?” He asked in disbelief. “Is that why you broke up with me?”

You looked at him, feeling lost and unsure of how to respond. Donghyuck sighed, closing the distance between you, his eyes filled with sincerity.

"(Y/n), I would have never gone to her. I never had any intentions of moving on or being with anyone else," he said earnestly. “You know that, right?”

There was a part of you that felt a glimmer of gratitude, knowing that Donghyuck still held feelings for you. It puzzled you how he could be so sweet, especially when you were the one who hurt him.

Feeling overwhelmed by your own guilt, you took a step back, distancing yourself from Donghyuck. Your voice trembled with a mixture of emotions as you spoke.

"Why are you being so kind to me? You should hate me.”

His eyes glistened with tears. “I could never hate you, Kang (Y/n). Please don’t think you’re unworthy of kindness or love.”

You felt a surge of frustration welling up inside you, pushing back against his words.

“No, I’m not,” You snapped. 

Whatever had transpired between him and Ahryun didn’t matter. Despite Donghyuck’s reassurances, you still clung to the belief that you were damaged and broken. If he knew about your past, if he saw the scars beneath your sweater, he would never be able to love you.

Mumbling a quiet apology, you pushed past him, your mind clouded with self-doubt and regret. The weight of the evening bore down on your shoulders, and you couldn't help but blame yourself for stepping out into the world once again. Going to the festival now felt like a mistake, amplifying your insecurities and highlighting your perceived inadequacies.

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~ chapter nine ~ 

Ahryun seethed with anger and resentment as she refused to accept Donghyuck's rejection. In her mind, she saw you as the sole obstacle standing between her and the possibility of being with him. The rejection fueled her bitterness and the desire for revenge brewed within her. All she yearned for was to witness you suffer once more, to see you hurt as deeply as she believed she had been hurt. It was time for people to see you for who you truly were.

The morning sunlight painted a gentle glow across the campus as you arrived for your poetry class the day after the festival. However, as you walked by, you noticed a peculiar shift in the way people looked at you as they passed by. Whispers filled the air, and bewildered gazes followed your every step. You wondered if Ahryun posted another rumor about you again. Had she secretly captured photos of you and Jaemin this time?

Feeling paranoid, you paused to take out your phone and quickly navigated the UniYeon site. As the page loaded, the color drained from your face when you were greeted by the headline post. 

“‘Kang (Y/n)’s Horrific Past Exposed,’” someone read aloud as they scrolled through the article on her phone. The person walking with them peered over the person’s shoulder to get a better look. 

“Wah, did she actually try to kill herself?”

No, no, no, this couldn't be happening. With trembling fingers, you clicked on the post, your heart pounding. As you scanned the text, it mercilessly revealed all the painful details about your past suicide attempt in high school. The weight of each word intensified your feelings of shame and vulnerability. And just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, there it was—the video capturing the haunting moment you ran into traffic, displayed at the bottom of the article.

You felt like you were reliving your trauma in high school, all over again. The piercing stares from those around you felt like a repeat performance, a mix of pity and judgment intertwined. There was only one other person in this university who knew about this incident. Min Ahryun.

Now the whole university was aware of what kind of person you were. Which meant that he knew too. Suddenly, the thought of attending your poetry class faded into the background. Overwhelmed with panic, your feet instinctively moved in reverse, and urged you to retreat.

▃▃▃

The second Donghyuck saw the UniYeon post, he abandoned everything else and set out to look for you. He sprinted to the location of your class, only to discover that you weren’t there. Panic consumed him as he realized that you must have left the campus.

Reading the post was emotionally excruciating for him. He couldn't fathom the depths of your anxiety and the overwhelming pain you must have experienced during that dark period. This had to be what you were trying to tell him that one night after you had cut your hand. He was angry with himself, thinking about how you have been suffering alone in silence this whole time.

“(Y/n)!” He pressed the doorbell, once he got to your apartment unit. When you didn’t come to the door, Donghyuck punched in the passcode to your door and let himself in.

You weren’t in the living room or the kitchen. So he darted over to your bedroom and was met with a closed door. He banged on it anxiously, calling out your name.

“Please, (Y/n),” He pleaded desperately. “Let me in.”

The sound of his voice barely registered, as you tried to collect yourself. It felt like all your fears were coming true. You just wanted all of it to go away.

Somehow, Donghyuck managed to break open the lock on your door forcefully and rushed into the room. The sight of you slumped on the floor, tears staining your cheeks, shattered him inside.

Donghyuck approached you carefully, kneeling before you. “(Y/n)...”

“You saw it, didn’t you?” 

He nodded silently in response and tried to take your hand. But when you flinched in response to his touch, a look of suspicion crossed his face. His eyes searched yours, trying to understand the reason behind your reaction.

That’s when he glanced down and noticed the splotch of blood on your hand. His worry deepened, as he started to wonder about the desperate measures you had taken to deal with your pain.

Without saying anything, he reached again for your arm. You didn’t say anything this time and looked away when you felt your sleeve being rolled up. A deep sense of shame crawled up your throat as more tears blurred your vision.

Donghyuck couldn’t control the tears that cascaded down his cheeks when he saw your arm covered in angry red marks.

“(Y/n), why…?”

“I’m sorry,” you wept brokenly, “I didn’t want you to see me like this.”

In the next moments, Donghyuck pulled you into his lap, engulfing you in a tight embrace. Your fingers instinctively gripped onto his shirt as sobs escaped your lips. He never felt so powerless, hearing your heart-breaking cries and feeling your body tremble against his. Tears streamed endlessly as he held you close, silently sharing your anguish. All he could do was cry with you.

“I’m so sorry,” the boy fretted. “I didn’t know you were in this much pain. I wish I had known, (Y/n). I wish I could have been there for you when you needed someone the most.”

“There were so many times I wanted to open up to you,” you managed to utter through your messy tears. “But I was so afraid of losing you, Hyuck. I didn’t want to be a burden to you.”

Donghyuck, in response, leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss to your temple. He stroked your hair softly. 

"Oh (Y/n), you could never be a burden to me," he murmured, his voice filled with tenderness. His eyes glistened with tears as he looked at you, his heart breaking for the pain you had endured alone. "How could you ever think that? You mean the world to me.”

You wrapped your arms around him tightly. Your voice was muffled as you spoke into his hoodie. “I’m sorry, Donghyuck. I’m sorry for pushing you away and not letting you in.”

"It's okay," he cooed soothingly, his voice filled with compassion. He continued to rub gentle circles across your back, offering comfort and reassurance. "It's okay, babe. I'm here now, and I'm not going anywhere.”

Once the both of you calmed down a bit, Donghyuck retrieved some medical supplies from your bathroom. You were surprised to learn how skilled he was at cleaning and bandaging wounds. 

After he finished up, the two of you found solace in each other’s arms, spending the rest of the day in bed. Donghyuck listened attentively as you finally confessed everything that had been weighing on your heart. You didn’t detect even the slightest hint of repulsion from him. Witnessing how empathetic he was with you, allowed you to see that Donghyuck’s feelings for you were sincere. 

The stormy gray clouds of despair gradually disperse, allowing rays of warmth and hope to seep into your heart. Your former friend had tried to tear you apart again. Everyone at the university knew your secret. Mentally, you were weaker than ever. But with Donghyuck by your side, you felt like everything was going to be okay.

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~ epilogue ~

In the coming days, Donghyuck and you walked hand in hand across campus. You chose to ignore the curious looks and hushed voices of speculations. The strength of your bond radiated in your intertwined fingers, symbolizing a resilient unity that could not be shaken by mere judgment.

“I just thought you should know,” Donghyuck said, glancing over at you fondly. “You look beautiful today.”

His flirtations still made you blush profusely, your cheeks tinged with a rosy hue as you subconsciously reached to hold the delicate crescent moon pendant around your neck. The necklace served as a reminder of the love and tenderness you found in each other’s presence.

Deciding you didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of making you flustered, you playfully stopped walking and pulled the boy closer, surprising him with a swift yet passionate kiss. His lips met yours eagerly, his handing finding its place on your waist as the intimacy of the moment deepened. In that fleeting embrace, the world around you seemed to fade away, leaving only the warmth of your connection and the electric chemistry that sparked between you.

"I love you, Lee Donghyuck," you said confidently, your eyes filled with sincerity and affection, after pulling away from the kiss. Hearing you say those words first was rare, and it took him by surprise.

His gaze softened as he pressed his forehead against yours. "I love you too, (Y/n). More than you'll ever know."

The two of you might have faced some challenging obstacles. And you knew that life would continue to present its share of difficulties. However, you were certain now that the bond you had with Donghyuck was very much real and unbreakable. Knowing you were stronger together, you believed you could overcome anything.

─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─❀*̥˚─

[luna-rainbow]

do you think Bucky ever tried to kill himself?

Thanks for the ask Nonnie. Trigger warning for suicide discussion.

I once saw an interview excerpt of Sebastian saying — along the lines of — it’s the thought of Steve that stopped Bucky from killing himself in the 2 years he went on the run. My headcanon is pretty similar to his.

TL;DR - I think Bucky would have had frequent thoughts of suicide, but did not make an attempt, because he would have succeeded. I also think that even though Bucky did not attempt it, he nevertheless engaged in risky, self-sabotaging behaviours that could have killed him.

In real life, while suicide attempts are more frequent amongst women compared to men, deaths from suicide (ie successful attempts) are far higher amongst men than women. This is usually attributed to the fact that men frequently choose more lethal methods. Coupled with the fact that Bucky knows he’s a super soldier, and my view of his personality (efficient with his missions and ruthless towards himself), as well as the one canon mention of a male super soldier attempting suicide (Bruce “I put a bullet in my mouth and the other guy spat it back out”) I think he would’ve chosen a very deadly method if he made an attempt.

But I think what often happens with men (and women too) is that...sometimes people knowingly engage in behaviours that are unhealthy or highly unsafe. They might not intend to die, but they wouldn’t mind if it kills them. The social norms Steve and Bucky grew up with is that men are not allowed vulnerability and weakness. There was no word for PTSD in those days, nor was there a word for depression. You just kept getting more “melancholic” until it’s bad enough to be classified as “insane”. And when you take that into the eugenic context they grew up with, it is likely their attitude is to cop it on the chin for as long as it takes to avoid a mental health review or diagnosis. But…that means the sense of distress and self-loathing keep building up and need an outlet.

In real life, people sometimes turn to drugs and alcohol, often with full awareness the harm it’s doing to their bodies, and I am partial towards headcanons of Bucky engaging in highly risky behaviour in the immediate aftermath of escaping Hydra. This might be drugs and alcohol, or it could be taking on risky missions with minimal attempts at self-preservation. You could argue the same about Steve after Bucky’s death: Steve jumping across the fire because Bucky yelled at him vs Steve putting the plane in water despite Peggy pleading with him.

When TFATWS first introduced Bucky breaking the law and jeopardising his pardon to terrorise former Hydra agents, that felt real to me. He was self-sabotaging and self-destructive, and his snarl that “if he’s wrong about you then he’s wrong about me” means his identity is tied up with someone who wasn’t there anymore and he was never going to get the approval he needed again.

I think, the other thing to consider too, is Bucky having survived 70 years of Hydra torture suggests an incredible mental and physical resilience. We know he’s not hopelessly optimistic — in CATFA he’s the one trying to dissuade Steve from joining the war — but there must be…a certain kind of faith and relentless hope that keeps him going. The fact that he has had not one, but at least two (or three, if you count Endgame) villain origin character beats and still does his best to fight for the good side, suggests he has an indomitable love for people and the world despite how much hurt it caused him.

So I tend to think that while suicide may have frequently been on his mind, and he may have frequently engaged in highly risky or harmful behaviours, he hasn’t attempted to take his own life because there is something (whether that be Steve or some other thing) that keeps him going and keeps him believing there’s going to be a better tomorrow on the other side.

[aroyaltailor]

semi-hiatus (vent warning)

Currently failing Spanish 102 and things are not getting better. In a move that I'm sure will surprise none of those who follow this blog, I am going to be taking a hiatus from any writing. Yes, another break! Another hiatus, putting off work on this blog and leaving the replies I owe to rot in my drafts. The words simply do not come out of me, and I'm still struggling with perfectionism that blocks any genuine attempts at getting anything done. I basically have to learn the entirety of Spanish, or at least the relevant information for the class, because if I fail I won't be able to graduate this semester.

It's the same damn thing every time. I've submitted a request for the counseling service provided by my college, but they have a two week waiting period due to the huge influx of students needing mental health help these days. I genuinely believe that I've reached a point where I need professional help with my writing, and that I have somekind of OCD that prevents me from simply writing the first draft without needlessly fussing over every word.

I really didn't want to have to make this post. I was holding on to the hope that things would be alright. I was hoping that everything would be okay. That I'd be able to create legitimate routines, learn how to comprehend Spanish, and that I would be able to have the time to sit back and focus and work on building this blog.

The first exam of the class is next Tuesday, September 10th. I won't lie, I'm basically spiraling at this point. Self-care is at a total minimum, and I haven't really been taking care of my health either. I'm not eating much, both out of lack of hunger and the simple fact that my household doesn't have any food available. Today alone, I've been slouched over the table in the upstairs study rooms of my college, staring at this damned screen all day. Suicidal thoughts, a bit of self-harm with a pen, it feels just as bad as organic chemistry. And the genuine possibility that I might be kicked out the house if I fail Spanish 102 isn't helping matters. I don't really have anyone to talk to either, not in-person at least. Not really even online either, but that's probably too jaded for me to say. Doubt anyone will even read this, but that understandable I guess. Everyone has their own problems, so many people do, and they can't pause and stop when they have their own concerns to deal with, especially for someone that hasn't really produced anything.

Let's just say it isn't getting better. It's not. It's getting worse. I can't be on here as much as I want to, and I'm beginning to think that I've been damaged permanently by what happened to me. My dad had lung cancer, I did everything I could, but that's all I can say about it. Even just typing that sentence has me bawling now.

I'll either pass Spanish 102 this semester or I won't. If I don't, I definitely won't take it well. I'm sorry for everything I've said about how I'd made progress, or that I'd be around to do replies only to post nothing at all. I'm not doing well and haven't been for awhile.

Hopefully things will get better. But then again, I've said that before haven't I? Time will tell. I'm sorry to everyone for the times I've wasted their time with starters or replies I haven't responded to yet. Blog isn't even finished yet, but if I pass I'll try. I promise I'll try.

[nicksbestie]

hi there, i recently discovered your page and i really love your work.

i was hoping maybe i could request something ?

lately i have been struggling a lot with my mental health and it’s been really difficult for my day to day life.

i was thinking anashton comfort ? something just like he knows how hard it can be and he says some encouraging words. bc that’s all i need rn.

as someone who also writes, sometimes i just need to read instead of writing it all.

if this is too vague i understand ! you totally don’t have to write this.

much love !

Antidepressant

word count : 663

warnings : mentions of heavy depression, mental health, medication

it's sad but I hope it's good!

<3

Ashton absolutely radiated comfort and positivity, and it was one of your favorite things about him.

Each and every part of him felt like a warm hug, especially when you were actually wrapped in his arms. You were always eternally grateful that you had such a person, especially that he understood how you were feeling sometimes. 

You didn’t like that he had been where you were, as the feelings of depression and anxiety, and other struggles with your mental health were painful, and you couldn’t imagine putting any of that onto him. But it was so appreciated by you that he could understand exactly what you were feeling, and knew exactly how to comfort you. He couldn’t fix it, but he was incredibly good at making it feel a little bit better. He was like an antidepressant in human form.

You were so grateful for him on days like these. And unfortunately, it was one of those days. Sometimes, like now, it was one of those weeks, those months, those slumps that feel like they’re going to last forever and there’s no light at the end of the tunnel. But Ashton was a light, like a soft ray of sunshine, the kind that seeps through your swaying curtains to gently wake you up in the morning. 

You had woken up, having an awful day the day before, and you could just feel that things weren’t changing today. You felt awful, and all you did was roll over in bed, curling up to Ashton’s chest, and attempting to fall back asleep. He began to stir, smiling as he pressed a gentle kiss to your head, an arm stretching out around your waist and pulling you impossibly closer. It was like he could feel the sadness seeping out of you, the overwhelming exhaustion, because he hugged you so tight, his chin resting on your head before he spoke. 

“Not any better today?”

The exhaustion was so great that you couldn’t even formulate a verbal response. You just shook your head, not really moving much more than you absolutely have to. He let out a soft hum of affirmation, slowly pulling the blankets off and slipping out of bed. You frowned at his disappearance, but still didn’t feel like getting up, so you laid in silence, a slight smile crossing your face when he promised to be right back. And he kept that promise, coming back with a slightly clenched fist and a water bottle, sitting down next to you and gently coaxing you to sit up. 

“Here, my love. I know you don’t take your medication as often as you should, take it today. It might do you some good.” 

You didn’t want to, at all. But because he was gently encouraging you, you did. The small white pill went down easily, but you still felt that Ashton was a bigger antidepressant than the medicine you had just swallowed. He laid back down next to you, moving to the other side of the bed before wrapping his arms around you. 

“It’s okay to feel like this, you know. I know it’s hard, and I know it absolutely sucks. But it’s okay. You don’t have to feel like you’re a burden, or anything like that. I understand, and I’m always going to be here for you. I’m so proud of you, and that’s never going to change. You’re allowed to have bad days, life is so difficult and it’s a lot to handle. We can just have a rest day today. I love you.” 

You felt too choked up to muster a reply, too overwhelmed with feelings of love and the warm bubbly feeling of being cared about and understood, just squeezing his hand three times to signify that you loved him as well. And if you spent the rest of the day in bed, curled up with him, eating and drinking when he softly helped, then nobody except the two of you had to know.

[that-girl-glader]

You know what's crazy? I have never once EVER considered that I had OCD. And I'm still not convinced I do at all. And I am neurodivergent. So ik symptoms overlap sometimes right? But I didn't realise till today that I have never once researched OCD. Never. And I actually know so little about it. But there are times when I look at myself, and I'm like this feels like it might be a symptom, but like it doesn't affect my daily life. But now I thought a little more, and I just considered that maybe it does.

Yet, I also get anxious and paranoid sometimes, and I always just think that's anxiety. That I'm just anxious or worried. And maybe it is just that. But I need an OCD perspective. (Keep in mind that I live in a country with like no mental health professionals where like there is stigma for mental health. And my family aren't like people who believe in that stuff. I also don't want a diagnosis or assurance of everything. I am an undiagnosed neurodivergent person, and for now I'm okay with that.I'm just curious to understand this topic better.)

Can OCD look like:

Maybe in your life you have like a set of cups right. One green thin cup may have been dirty once years ago. Or something happened years ago that you don't even remember. But now you never use those cups because you get "bad vibes" and only ever use the purple ones or any other cup but all the green thin ones.

You're anxious/scared of your future life and you have no control. The only thing that makes you feel a bit better temporarily is like taking BuzzFeed/uquiz/online quizzes that tell you what your future life will be. What initial you'll end up with. Any predicting crap.

You think things like "if I play my spotify liked songs and the first song is heather by Conan gray, I will marry my crush" "If my dad says the word gumball then so and so will live to be 98" "if I met my soulmate today I will see the word lavender".

Your brain constantly going "what I'd you die" "What if you exploded" "what if so and such is a lie" "what if you jumped in front of a bus" "what if you end up in a horror movie rn" "what if you are dying and you don't know it"

You know clear as day that your friend of 1 year is named Alicia, but when it's their birthday you have to check 33 times that that is actually their actual name and that their name wasn't like Dina or something when you wanna write their name.

You blow on dandelions, search for four leafed clovers, not step on cracks for some reason even though you do not believe it'll break your mamas back. All just for a little sense of luck and for something you wish for to be true or you just get bad vibes from doing certain things.

This one feels a little more wrong to me, but like you constantly ask God for reassurance about your future through maybe dreams or like a word or something.

Rarely but sometimes if you have a bracelet you just count if the amount of beads minus like the word needs are an even number and if you can put like 8 beads each on a side.

Obviously you also have intrusive thoughts that you yourself do NOT believe, but you feel ashamed by some of them. Like you love someone to pieces, but your brain goes "they're annoying when *insert an unfixable neurodivergent trait*" and like NOOO you don't believe that but now you feel bad. Or like you have like thoughts of like kissing someone else or not loving them anymore or like hurting them with your nails somehow in like a good 60% of times when you think of them. And sometimes your intrusive thoughts are like incest, racism, ableism, or stuff like that. And NOOO you don't want to take part in any of that at all, but it HAUNTS you DISGUSTS you and makes you feel a little like shit.

You always push in your chair and your friend chair after class and if you see other chairs....you FIGHT the urge not to push in those chairs too and live.

You always use certain bathroom stalls and if it's taken you have a back up bathroom stall you use.

Self-degrading voices and inner thoughts. Like "you are a horrible person" "everyone is better than you" "everyone can do this better than you WHY can't you??"(In like a social situation like group convos or like being of more help to someone you love with their mental health) "When it's you who is neurodivergent, gay, a certain body shape and whatever it's like wrong but when others do it it's okay".

Now, this are like examples of how my brain works. And I just wanted to see if it was familiar to the OCD community outta innocent curiosity. And I'm NOT looking for a diagnosis at all. I just want some perspective. Because I never considered that OCD was more than just intrusive thoughts, repetitive behaviour, perfection tendencies, and superstition at severe levels. Like I did have an idea that it was more than all the stereotypes. I just never looked into it more. I do want to understand it better. And like yk see through all the stigma. And Ik a few or maybe even all of the stuff I listed are probably not even OCD at all...I just want to know what y'all have to say about it.

[weenwrites]

Heyo!! What about tfp arcee and airachnid comforting their human charge after a failed attempt of suicide by overdosing? If this is too much I understand! You don’t have to if you don't want to!

Thank you and have a good day/night!

TFP Arcee and Airachnid Comforting a Human Charge After A Failed Suicide Attempt

Pairing - Platonic Category - Headcanons Trigger Warnings - Suicide mention, Suicide attempt, Mentions of overdosing

Arcee

As soon as Arcee heard that you were in the hospital after a failed suicide attempt she was... Even now she's at a loss for words because you nearly killed yourself. She was scared when she heard what had happened to you. She already lost so many people near and dear to her heart, Primus please don't let her lose you too. The instant she can see you again she's fussing over you, are you alright? How are you feeling? She pretty much acts as a helicopter-mom around you for a while.

For the next few days she talks to you as frequently as possible, or if you do need some space, she'll try her best to give you some (although she's still scared that something bad will happen to you, so that's why it might be difficult for her to give you some room to breathe.) She checks in every now and then to see how you're doing.

And speaking of checking in on you, if you ever needed someone to talk with about your feelings, she'll try her best to make time to listen, but if you don't want to talk about those at the moment, she understands. It can be difficult to talk about mental health and how you're really doing at times.

Whenever she hangs out with you, the two of you will mostly be doing things you enjoy doing, mostly in hopes that you'll enjoy it and feel happy. Arcee wants to see you enjoy yourself again, she wants to make sure you're happy, and she believes that after what just happened, you could really use it.

Airachnid

For once, Airachnid actually felt genuine fear and worry, something she didn't expect to ever feel. It's needless to say that she hates that feeling, so she tries to ensure she'll never feel it again by making sure that you're alright. If you're in a hospital, she calls you to ask if you're alright and to ask about where you are. She's goes to visit you regardless of the possibility she could get caught or not.

She'll question if there's anyone who upset you to make you feel this way, (and I'm pretty sure you can guess what she'll do if you say yes,) and if you say no one has she'll still be rather protective over you whenever she brings you back to the Nemesis. The instant she hears someone back-talking you, she'll deal with them, quickly and quietly.

She begins to check in on you rather frequently, (more frequently than usual) whether it be in person or over a call or text. Whenever she does check on you in person, she pops up at a completely unexpected time and most likely just straight up spooks you. If there's anything you need she'll try her best to provide it or get it for you.

Whenever the two of you hang out, she tries doing things that she knows you'll enjoy, but if you don't seem to be enjoying any of it, she'll instead try something else like taking you out on a flight, or just aimlessly exploring the wilderness for as long as you'd like to with no particular destination in mind.

She isn't... Good with emotions, so she isn't going to be the best at talking about mental health with you. But if you ever wanted someone to talk to about that, she'll try. It's better than doing nothing at all.

[danpuff-ao3]

I wish I was a writer who wrote more. I put more obstacles on myself than words on the page

Ooh! What obstacles are you facing, Anon?

Writing is hard. And we all have what works for us. Sometimes our inspiration and motivation wax and wane. The words might come easy some days, or not at all others. That's alright.

It's also valid and normal to want to be "more", whatever we see as "more." I wish I wrote more, but really I probably write plenty enough as it is. I wish I wrote better. There are so many beautiful writers I envy! Such gorgeous prose! And plot! I wish I could do a great plot, but I always veer more towards hype focusing on characters way more than plot. At times I wish I had it in me to write great epics, but that's not really me.

It's okay if you see what others do, or what others have, and want it. But it doesn't do much good to hyper fixate on that and go on a downward spiral of "why can't/why don't I?" What are your strengths? What are your interests? What works for you?

Is mental health getting in your way? You might need to address those first. Therapy and medication and doctor's visits might not be feasible, but if they are, do that. If not, do what you can do to take care of yourself. Take walks, journal, listen to music, eat well, stay hydrated, clean your space, talk to friends, whatever helps.

Is it stress? Is it life stress? Again: take care of yourself! If stress is in your way, you probably won't get far while it's still there.

Is it stress about the writing itself? Why are you stressed? Are there any stressors you can take away? Unless you're writing for money (and if you're in my inbox, I doubt that's the case), there's no real need to stress about it. Again: it's normal and valid to stress, but it's okay if you can't perform right now.

Is it a deadline? Are you writing for someone? Is it self-imposed pressure? What can you do to take away as much of what's stressing you as possible? Do that! If it means asking for extensions or taking breaks or changing tracks, do that! It's okay.

Is it lack of focus? Lack of time? Focus issues could be a health issue, so address those as stated above. But there are ways of creating more structure around your writing that might be beneficial. Make a schedule! What will work for you? Maybe an hour after work you dedicate to writing. Write all that you can in that time. And whatever you manage in that timeframe is a win! And if you dedicate a little time every day, that's progress! Even if it's only on weekends, that's better than nothing!

Are you on Discord servers? Maybe writing sprints will help. I know lots of fandom servers have sprinting bots and people who do writing sprints. Maybe the community aspect will help, or having a space and people with which to hold yourself accountable.

Maybe a word count goal will help? Personally that doesn't help me, but it works for some people. Say you make a goal to write 500 words a day, no matter what. However good or bad. At least it's writing. And you can always edit/fix it up later. Just throw it all at the wall and clean it up afterwards.

Maybe it helps to remember that all progress you make on your story "counts" as writing, be that work on an outline, jotting notes, research, daydreaming, brainstorming with friends, etc. It counts! Might not be "words" but it counts towards writing! It's progress. It's an accomplishment. You're allowed to feel good about that!

Anyway, the point is, I think all us creatives struggle in our own ways. Especially the more we care about what we do. I don't know very many people who do it purely for fun without a care in the world. And not gonna lie, I envy them sometimes! But you're not alone, which can help to remember.

I don't know if any of this blathering was helpful to you, but my inbox is always open if you need. And in the meantime, I'm sending you all the good writing vibes! May the muses be with you, Anon!

[f0point5]

People oversharing on the internet has become such a HUGE issue imo. They feel the need to share everything to an audience full of strangers. I miss the days when social media and private life were actually separated because nowadays it seems like it’s all blended together. Might as well take the word ”privacy“ out of the dictionary because it doesn’t exist anymore. And for them to go and post something like that ?!? The tweet just casually trauma dumping to strangers and the worst part is they’re all eating it up ? The comments be like: ”I’m so sorry for you, I totally get your disappointment in him“ or ”I’m with you you’re not alone, we got each other during this disappointing time” like wow. Are you guys mental ?!? What’s going on 😭 I think a lot of fans (and idc if this upsets anyone) are way too caught up in the drivers personal life and the whole WAG thing which also leads to women who are fans of the actual racing to not be taken seriously. There I said it. I see tiktoks or tweets saying: me in the garage of McLaren watching Lando race as his wag- Girl you won’t ever be a ”WAG” 😭 this obsession with the drivers love life and ”WAGs” needs to end because it’s concerning. Are you watching F1 because you like the sport or are you just constantly imagining yourself in the paddock as a drivers girlfriend and just stick around for the racing because you got nothing better to do ? No wonder people claim that women only watch to thirst over the men when that’s 70% of F1 content online posted by women.

Alsoooo the ones that go around saying things like ”women aren’t respected in motorsports” and ”there’s so much sexism coming from these rich men” are the same ones that go ahead and say shit like: ”I want his babies“ and even worse stuff under a drivers post ?!? How is that not bad as well? That’s just as disrespectful.

Yeah, my god. When we said “be open about your mental health” we meant with friends and family not the world at large. The notion that sharing your daily experiences with the world is helpful to anyone really needs to die.

I have no words for those unhinged individuals sharing their trauma as a reason why Lando Norris (complete stranger) owes them something. Literally no words I’m the vocabulary to adequately articulate my revulsion.

People can like the sport or the drivers for whatever reason they want but the parasocial has gone too far for some of these people. I really can see why people are in so many unhappy relationships, because if you can delude yourself into thinking a person you’ve never even met will conform to your fantasy (which let me tell you is problematic in itself because these fantasies are always just someone who mirrors their every thought.), I guess you can project reasoning into real people who treat you like crap. Rip to all the real mean out there competing with delusion the way women compete with p*rn stars 😂

Yeah the “rich men” trope to explain behaviour makes me laugh. As if middle class or working class men have different opinions. I know y’all would like to put these drivers in some otherworldly category where you don’t have to confront the fact that they’re just ordinary people getting on with their lives the same way your boyfriend, friend, brother, and dad likely would in their position, but that’s still delusional thinking. You think only rich men ignore issues that don’t affect them? The entirety of the middle class is rioting in the streets, baying for whatever cause has got your knickers in a twist today, and it’s only the rich men getting on with their lives? Give me a break 🙄

[weary-minds]

I have a more positive story to share, and I swear it does relate to mental health-- There's this game from a series I was certain would not have another iteration to its name that got announced with a teaser a few months ago. I of course was really happy with the news. Quite a few hours after, I got a DM on Discord. A DM from a old friend, someone who I used to be super close to but slowly drifted apart from as he found new friend group and fandom he clicked better with. Which hey, no shame; as long as he was happy. What times over the past few years I tried to contact him afterwards though, our conversations would always fall flat and it'd be over before it even started. I don't think there was any malice of course, but it still made me feel horrible since it used to not be like that. Like I just... couldn't be a good enough friend to matter anymore. Back to the DM he sent. It was a message with that game teaser, although he had only played one game from the series, he was actually excited for this new release and had assumed I hadn't seen it yet. That's not the point though; the message along with it boiled down to him saying, "I thought of you!" And I kid you not. I cried. This is just over text of course, but the most wholesome, innocent, genuine voice played in my head, saying I thought of you. He messaged me over a game that he wasn't super into, just because he remembered how much I gushed over it during the days of the first game. I cried not just once (after we had a good conversation over what the game might be about), but twice (recently when I reread our messages). I can't put into words just how much something so little as letting me know that he was thinking of me meant as a friend. Depression and anxiety is nasty towards those who've stepped out of my life, telling me they couldn't possibly care anymore and that it's my fault. Pair the ruminating/rejection sensitive dysphoria from the ADHD/autism, and I've got a nasty storm of confirmation bias. And there was minor proof to side with it when in a bad mental state. Yet-- I still can't get that out of my head, that little voice.

"I thought of you!"

Gentle reminder to check up on your friends every now and then. Those with depression, ADHD, anxiety disorders, or/and who are autistic may struggle with being able to regulate their thoughts and emotions, especially in stressed times and it never hurts to give a little reassurance. Be it memes or whatever you know they like, take a minute out of your day to let your loved ones know you care. I know it meant the world to me.

[flightfoot]

Marinette was not “virtue signaling”. She didn’t say those things to make herself look better. She said them because technically she did reach out to Chloe in the past and open the door for acceptance (hell, she threw her an entire party to welcome her back to school in Malediktator) and technically Chloe continued to treat everyone like trash. So she’s technically right. I guess if you want to get extremely pedantic about it words she didn’t literally do everything in her power. I mean she could have sponsored a mental health day or something just for Chloe. I don’t know. She still did a hell of a lot more than you’d expect of someone Chloe pushed around.

People can have extreme reactions to salt because they’re sick of a character they love being viewed in bad faith, true. But I think this is one of those cases that most people just tend to disagree with. Some anons might jump to call you a Marinette hater but most of them likely just disagree with what you are saying. They may even view it as a bad faith reading considering the word “virtue signaling” is used and most of us don’t think that’s what Marinette is doing in that scene.

That’s the other sides opinion and you can’t change it. Unless otherwise stated, I don’t think people are trying to black and white you. This isn’t like someone saying “Marinette was a jerk to Kagami in Imari Gozen” and a million people attacking them. THAT is basically arguing a fact. Marinette virtue signaling to Chloe is an opinion that does not ring true for even a lot of non-fans of Marinette. I think this is simply a disagreement.

Can everyone arguing about this please go and message @erisluna35  about it instead of me? I'm not the one who's really on board with the "virtue-signaling" interpretation, I've mostly been used as a platform for it.

[galunacycheckyourheadtour]

How are you doing?

I’ve been thinking about this simple question a lot recently. One question, a simple question, that on the surface feels so normal to ask. In fact, probably the only opener following a greeting all over the world. It would be rude not to ask, right? But it’s a funny one because the response is usually the same: ‘yeah good, how are you?’ ‘Yeah good…’ and onwards you go - usually finding out how someone really is a few sentences later. It’s polite, it's what we do, it’s the ice breaker. It’s normal.

So why does it immediately trigger me into turning my phone over and not communicating? Just seeing that simple sentence in black and white 'How are you doing' . How do you even begin to answer that question, when the most you have achieved is existing that day?

Now, I am super aware that this sounds ungrateful. It is lovely that people reach out. It means so much to me. And seriously Olivia, how the hell are people to know what to send or word things? That is not what I am trying to say. What am I trying to say? I am trying to say I am sorry for not replying, I am sorry that i appeared rude. I then got more curious about it…why does it trigger me?

And the simple answer is embarrassment. Embarrassment that in the times I was not doing ok, I could not just say that. Because sometimes that just cannot be communicated. I certainly struggle with writing messages to people like that. So many people say, 'I had no idea you were going through this - please just message'. My honest response to that is, how do you word that message and not ruin someone else’s day. Messages land in real time, with no context - they appear on someones phone who could be in any situation and it might not be appropriate. I don't want to put someone else in that position. Plus I have already felt stupid sending it. So, I do something worse and don't respond which makes people worry and I don't want to do that either...so this is a heartfelt sorry to all of those people.

My blog today is about coming out the other side of depression, and having no idea anymore what your value is in the world anymore, but knowing that you don't want to merely exist.

You all now know my story, so I won’t bore you. I was diagnosed with clinical depression as a teenager and some days are good and some are bad. In fact some years are good and some are bad. The last couple of years have been bad, I did not take care of myself and I paid the price with my mental health. But you know all of this.

Depression is like a toxic fog, a right pea souper, it comes in and covers everything. When you start to see the chinks of light, your world looks a very different place. Relationships broken, friendships in tatters, career in pieces, finances decimated and you attempt to put the pieces of the puzzle back together - grateful that you survived and there are still some pieces to put together. But it takes time, it is not an instant - oh that’s it I’m cured. *Skips down street holding a lollipop

Also, when I surface from the fog I immediately feel guilty. Guilty that I have been lazy, that I have wasted my life, that people are judging me, why can't I be like everyone else? what is wrong with me? am I stupid? why can't I just be happy? I feel like I have played the 'mental health' card too long and people just need me to be better, have a career and act like an adult. I look at people just doing the most normal things, getting up, doing jobs, going about their daily business and it feels so alien to me and also not possible on some days. Now these are all the things I tell myself, I know they are not planted in reality, I have a mental health condition. But as I type that, even I know, that I don't truly believe it - sometimes I don't even think it is real.

I’m slowly coming out of one of the longer spells of depression that I have struggled with. My world is upside down and the word that haunts me is LOSS. I am on my own for the first time in my life and that is my choice, as I know the only way to go forward is to really do the work on myself. Finish the work on myself. But with that, I am frustrated because it isn't instantaneous. . Some days I will disappear into myself and have no energy, some days I will want to cycle on my Peloton and speak to people, some days I want to take on the world, start a business and become Prime Minster. But I am trying hard, formed a plan, and am building routine again. If there is one thing that depression hates it's routine.

So I make a list the night before each day - it contains the most simple things like: get out of bed, I have to eat three meals a day, to shower, to get outside, read a chapter of a book, look into jobs for an hour, send an email that I was dreading, answer 3 text messages, do my TM practice twice a day. All of it is really is very simple, and actual on paper sounds pathetic but it is my way of coping at the moment.

I am doing this all gently for a change. There is a danger that I make the same mistakes as before. I come fast out of the blocks and make bad choices and end up in the same position. This time it is different, every choice I make I write down, I think about. I am not the yes girl to jobs that are being offered. I'm the 'Thank you for the offer, I am going to think about that'. I'm trying to keep the voices away from my head that tell me I should be doing a super stressful senior job on the second day of looking at jobs. This time, moving forward, all my choices are for me and no one else, and that may take time but that is my decision too.

So in answer to your question 'How are you?' I'm ok, but I am taking my time.

****Also, if this has you thinking how should I send a 'how are you'message to friends who suffer from depression, here are some of my thoughts:

Just checking in, as I was thinking of you - no need to message back Here is a photo of a water sausage/ dog sliding in the snow, thought it would make you smile Look outside its sunny!! Fancy going for a walk? Watched this amazing tv show and thought you would love it. Hope all is good with you? Fancy a watch party.

These would normally always get a response from me.

[lololollywrites]

Yes. This exactly. I once had a 40-minute conversation at my doorway with two Morman missionaries that were my age (which, at the time, was 20 - a senior in college living in an off-campus apartment). I think there's a reason door-to-door proselytizers are always young; their elders are trying to engender sympathy in the public. And it works, but for the wrong reasons. Their age didn't make me want to convert, but it did make me empathetic. This overrode my anger. I listened to what they had to say and respectfully shared my perspective as an agnostic atheist who still has a spiritual side. They were fascinated, and just so so happy to talk. They didn't leave me a pamphlet because they respected my wishes. They even thanked me for the best conversation they'd had with someone outside the Church (and I'm not trying to compliment myself - I don't always have that kind of patience, but it came easily that day). They approached me in earnest rather than out of hate or condescension, and that made the difference for me.

It reminds me of a much more extreme example of how it's really open communication and respect on both sides that can change the world. If both sides are willing (which, admittedly, is rare) - because God, I generally do NOT want to speak to extreme conservative Republicans, nor do they want to listen to me), minds can open and people can move away from a place of hate.

There was a woman born into the Westboro Baptist Church, Megan Phelps-Roper, who was tasked with running the main Twitter page as the youngest and most tech-savvy member. She was curious and intelligent, but also truly believed that she was saving people's souls by posting the foulest sorts of tweets imaginable. She'd been convinced of this by her own family members, and - until then - had no way of acquiring knowledge that might contradict those teachings. Most of the comments she received were, understandably, incredibly angry, without any substance to the reply aside from (justified) insults that did nothing more than to prove, at least in her mind, that the rest of the world was rude and godless.

However, one of her consistent repliers was different. He detected her wittiness and passion, and would leave open, kind replies calmly disproving what she posted. Their back-and-forths eventually led to private communications and, after that, to legitimate friendship. He took her to have dinner at a Muslim family's house. He educated her about the world and sent resources. She started using her access to the internet as social media manager to educate herself. She's since left the Church and now speaks about the dangers of cults and the importance of reaching out to those who may be enmeshed in toxicity when you are willing, able, and safe to do so. Knowledge quite literally saved her. One kind person saved her.

I think we should all use our intuition and try to understand where others are coming from. Avoid those with, for lack of a better word, "bad vibes". Those who deliberately avoid knowledge. Those who are legitimately hateful. Those who may have chosen their perspective later in life, fully consciously and willingly. There are other people, however, who aren't lost causes. Who simply need to talk to one person outside of their toxic circle. I need to work on this too. It seems hopeless. Awful for our mental health. An uphill battle. But we can't give up, either.

At this point, I'm not really talking about Mormons... though there's overlap. I'm talking about Conservatives. Tories. Fascist-leaning individuals. Because if they continue to hate us, their hate tends to be much more dangerous than ours.