#as someone who has literally never consumed any transformers content ever in my life i reccomend seeing the movie

[crumb-crumblet-s-crumbington]

AND BUMBLEBEE !!!!!!!!

[panharmonium]

more rambling re: that last post (+ the merlin/will fic survey overview)

because i generally refrain from reading fic while i’m actively writing for a fandom, the only real ao3 reading i have done for merlin is my survey of the merlin/will ship tag.  and the only reason i undertook that survey in the first place is because while i was doing an introductory cruise of the various merlin tags during my first exploration of the fandom (after i finally finished S5 and was able to start looking into fandom dynamics without fearing spoilers), i noticed that a LOT of the fic tagged with this ship was also tagged merlin/arthur, and despite the fact that i personally am more interested in gen stuff, i started to get both suspicious and annoyed about what i was seeing.  but i also wanted to have the data to back up my annoyed feelings, so i made a little spreadsheet for myself and then just filled it in whenever i had time to kill and wanted something to do. 

the data, when i eventually finished, backed up my annoyance pretty much as well as i expected, which was disappointing, but not surprising.

to clarify - i’m not annoyed by the fact that will and merlin don’t have a whole lot of material in their ship tag.  will only showed up directly in one episode; i don’t expect him to be a popular subject.  what i AM annoyed by is the fact that there are actually more merlin/arthur fics in the merlin/will tag than there are fics that actually focus on...merlin/will.  by, like - an extreme margin.

(the rest of this is just me griping about fandom trends.  popping it under a cut so folks can just move on with their days if this isn’t relevant to their interests.)

The Numbers

two quick notes before i get into the nitty-gritty:

1) i originally did this survey a few months ago, but i updated it this week with fics that have been added since then, so the numbers are current.  

2) some of the data below would probably vary slightly depending on who was conducting the survey, so there’s a bit of wiggle room in either direction.  the criteria i had to use [aka what counts as just a ship ‘mention’ vs actual content] would be subject to reader interpretation, obviously, but even with that, i do feel that most stories fell into pretty clear categories.)

so, without further ado -

total # of fics in the ship tag: 145

number of fics that are inappropriately tagged (meaning either will himself or merlin/will as a ship does not actually appear [which is kind of bizarre, but which i saw happen surprisingly frequently], OR where there is only a brief reference to will or past!merlin/will and that’s the extent of their inclusion: 50

number of fics that are duplicates of works already in the tag (ie podfic), or (in one case) a meta podcast about the show: 5

so, that brings down our total number of fics with some sort of actual merlin/will content to 90.

of these 90 works, only 17 of them are actually focused on merlin/will.  

everything else in will’s ship tag, including the 54 works from the previously discussed "incorrectly tagged” category, is either a) fic where will is dumped, broken up with, or otherwise passed over in favor of arthur (and very occasionally gwaine, at least once mordred, once percival, once arthur and gwaine in a threesome, and once CENRED, which i’m sure will would be especially thrilled about), or b) fic where will is only included as a previous/ex relationship (again, almost always in lieu of arthur).  

moreover - of the 17 actual merlin/will fics, 7 still end with will dying or the relationship ending for reasons other than him being passed over for arthur.  an additional 4 are <1000 word PWP snippets, generally written for old LJ summer pornathons, one of which still somehow manages to be...you guessed it - all about arthur. 

in terms of actual one-shots/full fics where merlin/will is the endgame/non-dead pairing, there are only 6 stories.  

i repeat: will gets six earnest stories, IN HIS OWN SHIP TAG.  

i repeat once again: will, in a non-dead, endgame form, gets 4% of his own ship tag.

The Content

the in-fic trends are frustrating, if you actually like this character.

the asshole.  will is an abusive boyfriend.  he is a jealous ex. he’s a shitty friend.  he’s a stalker.  he’s manipulative.  he’s emotionally abusive.  he’s physically abusive.  he dumps merlin for someone else.  he cheats.  in one fic he’s so mad at merlin that he outs merlin’s magic to arthur.  in multiple fics, i watched him literally go off the rails and try to murder somebody.

the fuckbuddy. they’re just messing around, guys!  no, of course it’s not serious!  they just do this for fun!  of course there’s nothing to get in the way of arthur’s inevitable arrival!  no sirree!

the unrequited.  will is actually in it deep for merlin, but merlin doesn’t feel the same.  this does not, however, prevent merlin from using will for sex, companionship, comfort, distraction, etc - until arthur shows up, when will either steps aside in deference to merlin’s all-consuming passion for arthur or is dropped like a hot potato.

“not even will.”  that sentence.  over and over again.  merlin had never felt like this before, not even with will.  nobody had ever understood merlin like this, not even will.   even in fic when they were like.  married.  or engaged.  fanon arthur pendragon must be truly mind-blowing, y’all.

dead long-term relationship.  will was merlin’s husband/fiancé/long-term partner.  now he is Dead.  merlin getting together with arthur is what allows merlin to Heal.  (these stories sometimes contain some variation of “not even will,” as discussed above.)

lastly, in a related phenomenon:

who are you and what have you done with arthur pendragon???   i suppose in a way it’s nice to know that will isn’t the only one who gets the OOC treatment, but it is still really...something, to read fic where will is twisted into an unpleasant, abusive, canon non-compliant version of himself, and then to see arthur, on the very same page, transformed into a gentle, solicitous, kind, caring, equally canon non-compliant angel.  fanon!arthur is more worried about merlin’s well-being than literally anyone i have ever seen.  he is so invested in merlin’s emotional health.  he is so concerned about merlin’s boundaries.  he says things to merlin that no version of arthur pendragon has ever - EVER - in any universe, thought about saying to anybody.  he wants to hear all about merlin’s problems, and he’s all about taking it slow and making sure merlin feels comfortable and loved and worthy and safe (from all that horrible stuff done by that horrible other guy; that must’ve been so hard, merlin; ‘it’s okay, i’ve got you now’) - the man is utterly unrecognizable.  and you know what?  it’s okay!  it is fine to make your characters as OOC as you want.  it is fine to make them better/nicer than they were in the canon.  sometimes we all want that, right?  it’s fanfic!  have a ball.  i will never tell anyone to stop writing what they like, and i will NEVER interact negatively with a fic i don’t care for.  EVER.  do not do this, people - click the back button and move on with your life.   but i reserve the right to be annoyed, in my own space, about a persistent trend of will and arthur’s canon functions being flat-out reversed, in service of merlin/arthur.  not in the sense that canon!will is particularly gentle or sweet, because that’s not the case - but in the sense that will, in canon, is the one who actually cares about merlin’s best interests, whereas arthur is, quite frankly, the ass. a lovable ass (sometimes).  but an ass nonetheless, and one whose relationship with merlin is, from start to finish, an unhealthy, oppressive mess.

The Point

the point of me typing this up is not to say that what people choose to write is bad or wrong.  this is fanfic!  you can write whatever you want.  you can make characters as OOC as you want.  you can create as many AUs as you want.  i don’t mind fic authors writing stuff i don’t personally care for; someone else probably loves those stories!  and i am never going to interact negatively with anything i don’t personally enjoy - i am going to let people continue to have fun in their own ways, and i am going to grumble about my frustrations in my own space, and then i’m going to direct my energy into writing stuff i would personally like to read.

the point is just that i needed a brief second to complain, on my own blog, about my most familiar bbc merlin nemesis (otherwise known as ‘single-ship ubiquity’).  and what i mean by this is that it is REALLY FRUSTRATING that other little relationships are not even granted the tiniest concession of owning their own ship tags, in a fandom that is already so SATURATED with merlin/arthur content.  like - even if i’m generous and use the number 17 for the number of actual merlin/will fics in the tag, that still means 88% of will’s ship tag is actually fic about merlin falling in love with people who aren’t will (*cougharthur*).  eighty-eight percent!  of his own ship tag!  

(to put it another way - the ship tag isn’t supposed to be where you go to watch your character get repeatedly dumped or left behind for someone else, okay?  it’s supposed to be literally the opposite of that.)

will’s ship tag is already tiny.  and almost all of it belongs to arthur.  moreover, a significant chunk of it uses will as a convenient villain (completely contradicting every canon aspect of his characterization), when in the actual story will dies to protect arthur (who he doesn’t even like) and then lies to save merlin (at the expense of his own reputation, and despite the fact that he personally thinks merlin returning to camelot is a bad idea).  his behavior in canon is selfless, and wholly committed to merlin’s welfare, and yet in his ship tag he gets treated like trash.  

the kid can’t catch a break.  and it’s such a pervasive thing that even though i personally am primarily interested in merlin and will as friends (i am pretty romance-averse in general when it comes to media, and i have never written anything that isn’t gen, for any fandom, ever, in my life), i am also so indignant on will’s behalf that i’ve basically become invested in the well-being of this ship as a matter of principle.  it’s not my main thing, and it’s not necessarily how i view the canon-verse, but i am SO IRRITATED about how virtually all of will’s shipfic has been taken over by merthur (and about how maligned will is in his own tag) that i have actively committed myself to supporting merlin and will together in as many AUs as possible.  

(this is basically like when i trained myself to love allison argent after teen wolf killed her off.  i did that out of spite, y’all.  it’s the principle of the thing.)

so, y’know.  all i am saying is that i think will deserves his share of happy endings, and i think it would be nice to see fics where he is not just a stepping stone on the road to merthur or an unrecognizable parody of himself.

more importantly - EVERY merlin ship deserves to have a tag that isn’t completely swallowed by the local fandom behemoth.  merlin/arthur already owns three quarters of the archive.  a gargantuan oil tanker like that can afford to let the little rarepair canoes float down their own streams in peace.

[popcornbutterflymedia]

the teen show genre is back. that it had announced it’s grand return at such a time of deep uncertainty and unimaginable loss, especially for an entire generation of teenagers, is relief, respite, and a necessary and urgent gain. there is nothing but gratitude for this...for its intended audience and for those of us who will live vicariously through the lives of the kids, for those of us who will watch, and walk with the kids. for someone like me who longs to feel strongly about a story enough to write again.

despite my ‘desperate begging’ for the return of the youth oriented show. i did not picture this. in my defense, i did not know about this story at all. now, when i did learn the gist of the story, i did not expect much. it is, after all, a trope we’ve repeatedly seen in practically every language. in my defense, again, i would have found this show, and watched it anyway, in support of the network, probably be mildly entertained, slightly amused, and successfully distracted. and that would have been enough. i was bound to find this show, though during a deep dive into the youtube rabbit hole, chancing upon a japanese doll and an american cutie, realizing the creative team for this show is that creative team. my favorite creative team. i was sold.

i knew i was going to love this show enough to write. the question is, how? do i live tweet, take notes, and write a post for every episode, or do i live tweet take notes, listen, take notes and write one big post at the end of the series? judging by how much detail i know this team puts into a story in the form of metaphors, seeds, pay offs, connection and clues, clearly obvious in this first episode alone, this calls for an episodic post, for the peace of my own nerdy, detailed obsessed mind.

it is worth repeating that i haven’t read the book. this focuses on the series alone. no references, no comparison to its source material.

and it begins. oddly so.

first, a note on the casting: my attachment to a show is dependent on my attachment to the cast of the show. i spent the weeks and months leading up the pilot episode learning as much as i can about this refreshing cast of newbies. i’d been watching rise since it began, and so it wasn’t difficult to develop a soft spot for the five rise kids who are part of the show. as for the rest of the cast, their interviews and streams are all surprisingly impressive. i always like to say ‘walang patapon sa mga batang ito.’ none at all. they are all so special that i am in awe of how many gifted children are in one batch at one time, in time for a show like this. the teen show slot was vacant because it was waiting for these specific kids. 

everyone who was given moments on this episode made the most of their moments. episode one’s surprises were criza, who is a natural. i am just grateful naih was able to use all of criza’s kulit energy. gelo, i’ve known is funny, but it wasn’t until i saw him in character that i realized just how hysterical he is. i enjoyed his interaction with ysay, i am wondering if there is more of that. v no longer surprises. i find that she is incredibly underrated still. i love that girl. fictional life sometimes clouds my judgement, ever so slightly, but these mean girls, are the mean girls i would cheer for. i’ve just been enjoying the girls’ junket interviews so much that it is also a joy to watch them in character. aimee is spunky, sophie is incredibly poised. khloe is a joy to watch, and ash just fits in, dalia...i have never seen a girl with such strong presence and beauty since hopie. i have never enjoyed watching a local queen bee as much as i feel i would enjoy, and hate to watch kim. dalia is amusing to watch too, so there’s that. joao, you know i have always found reliable and competent. limer, i am just happy an actor like him is in a show as big as this. kaorys is my in on this show. they are favorites. i adore them. she registers well on camera, and rhys is music to my ears, and has such an animated, expressive face. i cannot wait to watch their subplot and write about them in detail. i am attached to these kids. i know they are going to be a joy to watch.

melizza, melizza deserves her own paragraph. i first paid attention to when she was answering those miss universe questions on rise, and my jaw literally dripped at how intelligent she is. that intelligence shines through in her portrayal of elle. she is self-aware, and aware of her co-stars in a scene. she is conscious of where she is in a scene. she does she is a realiable actress in that there is no fear that she will break character it doesn’t have to be her scene, but i cannot help but watch her. she isn’t a scene stealer, but she is always acting, always reacting. she gets the assignment: from speaking french to playing a nuanced mean girl whose meanness, is as she understands and plays elle, stems from fear, from being threatened. i actually love that. there is no real villain in this story, just kids navigating unfamiliar, ugly, strange feelings, with limited ways to express these feelings. melizza gets it. i said i am a melizza fan now. i mean it.

donny and belle individually: i had known of donny, watched him long enough to know him, and who his family is. since he started mostly on social media, this ate didn’t quite get the appeal. no offense, it’s just a generational thing. haha! when he started acting, he was like most greenhorns to me, appeal understandable, charming to an extent, but with still so much to learn. i missed his last acting stint before this show. i did not watch jpd.

belle is a going bulilit alum. that’s all i really need to know to trust the casting. i wasn’t a fan yet. i had no clue about the story so i did not know just how much weight the character carried, but by virtue of the fact that she’s been acting the longest out of the ensemble, i knew she knew what she would be doing. i knew the management knew what they were doing when they casted her. belle as the focal point of the story lends such an air of confidence that the story will be told well and that the necessary intimacies will be handled with care. belle’s ability to transform would make max’s arc effective. i did not watch jpd. i had heard about it.i had heard it was surprise. ‘the ending part...’ it was all too familiar: lizquen, circa 2012, must be love: ‘the ending...’

it was completely blind, complete trust.

their casting made me momentarily forget that there were multiple rounds of auditions, from which the each of the cast were carefully picked. it just seemed so random, that is, in context of say, kaori and rhys that could count kuya’s house as part of their shared history. so much of my acceptance of this new pairing depended on how much i trusted the team, and how i knew they worked. i then consumed any and all donbelle content i could find, which, at that time was painfully lacking. imagine the excitement when that first general assembly officially kicked off the hih junket, from then on, they started to grow on me. 

these are two calm, cool, collected kids, with a kulit side for sure, but they both take their sweet time. there is a formality and wide open space that was begging to be bridged with these two. there were times i would will myself to see it.  theirs isn’t an instant explosion of chemistry, but a sustained afterglow. once that was clear, the goal of sustaining this partnership for however long, how many other stories they can tell together, also became clearer.

it was the tv patrol interview by the lockers that had me sold. it was him joking that they were already married with three kids. it was the way he looked at her in that interview, the way he still does, with donbelle, it’s all the little, quiet things. i don’t know how to explain it, but if they were to jump into the emotional deep end together, i have no fear.

now, back to the beginning which i thought was strange. a recap of what i imagine is the entire first season, artistic as it may be, is one huge spoiler. i realized, this is based on a book. those who’ve read it obviously know what’s going to happen. such opening is meant to set the mood. it’s an invitation to emotionally invest. it’s safe to say, it accomplished those two goals, but i feel as though there is more to that opening. as someone who is clueless about the source material, it reassures that it doesn’t matter what we know, or don’t know, because this is less a story of ‘what?’ and more a story of ‘whys?’ and ‘hows?’this takes me back to the first general assembly when comparisons to the meteor garden, boys over flowers were brought up. i understand the comparisons, but now that the first episode has aired, i feel so strongly against it.  

this introductory montage is proof that it is not about the pieces of the story, but how the pieces are moved around to tell a story, to give us a fresh new perspective of a trope, starring stereotypical characters. the story is told in retrospect, with our lead looking back, taking all the pieces of the whole apart, rather than building the story as she goes along (which is incidentally how i like to take in stories).

the introductory montage is a device that allows a more expanded storytelling. the story is told from max’s point of view. it’s a story of how she sees things, this makes her an unreliable narrator due to her blind spots and clouded judgement. as the story goes along, the audience sees that it is not only max’s story, it is deib’s as well, and the rest of the characters’ stories, max only sees the bigger picture in retrospect. because i am such a nerd, imagine my kilig when i realize why that choice for an opening was made? i may have screamed.

notes, questions, favorite moments.

belle’s ‘sigurado,’ the first 4-5 notes of the hooked sprinkled throughout the episode.

on the road: the transition from max on the trike and deib, in his car rushing through a countryside road, if that was clean editing, i’d celebrate it...that the two people were on the same road at the same time travelling different directions is the most clever storytelling moment thus far. i love when seeds are planted and pay offs are grand. it was hardly a meet cute, but it was some intense head on collision. okay, i got it just then, the accident was a literal representation of their metaphorical colliding. it was a lot of things for her: irritation, wonder, disturbance, fascination, disruption. it was a complicated mix for him too, except clouded by the rush of having to be somewhere else other than that moment. charged. electric. spark. lightning that escaped him. (yup. more on that later).

this encounter begs the question: what was deib doing there? why was he in a rush?

the airport scene: ‘hinihintay ka na ng kapalaran mo.’ a beautiful verbal sign of things to come.

meeting daddy: it’s what uncertainty does to max that i find so disarming her fidgeting the heart shaped pendant close to her chest, summoning said heart for strength, and grace, counting on the assurance of its familiarity.

the car conversation with dad: still disarming. charming. curious. that the necklace from which hangs her heart shaped confidante was actually her dad’s gift to her mom. how heartwarming is the thought that the one thing that makes her feel close to her mom is actually from her dad who she is meeting for what i assume is the first time? i think it’s a beautiful irony.

the dinner table scene. the family dynamic it established. elle’s french, max wrestling with the chopsticks on the side.

sleepless max. her hidden vulnerability, and with whom that vulnerability finds comfort. who is babu?

max’s fist at the school entrance, and elle calling her out on it.

the cafeteria scene, and how that whole moment is the selling point of the story - brave max who does not care for the social rules of her new school standing up to the bully who happens to look the way he does. i won’t say she’s unaffected, but at that point  her view is clouded with the injustice she just witnessed, that is until they recognize each other. as a side note: ysay and lorde’s interaction made me smile.

the aftermath. max has now caught the attention of the whole school, she has caught the attention of the mean girls so much so that walking down the halls is social suicide. when aimee confronted her, (sophie did so well!) my eyes looked for elle’s eyes. there were layers upon layers of emotion there: shame, hesitation, confusion, fear, maybe anger, there was a flash of her wanting to connect too, or did i just imagine it?

the gym scene with all the boys. it’s probably my favorite...not really, but it’s the scene that gave me so much, the scene that proved to me that this is more than just a simple, one dimensional teen show. this one moment spawned so many fan theories online that i have yet to read. it’s interesting when we cross that bridge, but to me for now, it is from this point up to the debate that kind of turned the tables, and gave the story a sudden depth that’s unexpected. it made the audience pay attention to deib as well, that this is as much his story too. and on the aspect of change, in one interview (i can’t remember which one), i remember belle describing max as someone who wants to change the people around her, and through that, she is changed as well. i did not understand what she meant at that time, until this. and the debate.

the debate: i just love the debate, simply because i love words, but long-winded dialogue like that is risky especially on a show like this. i loved it. i loved the rhythm, poetry, and point of it. i love how layered it is. i loved how comfortable was delivering his lines. i did not cringe, which just means he has gotten better at this whole acting thing, and it’s always a joy to watch someone breakthrough. this moment was necessary as a springboard to the next scene, to show that the rivalry isn’t just a physical one, but a rivalry of the minds too. (i enjoyed that that was pointed out in one of the kumu lives)  this is also one of the scenes that proved what the introductory montage was trying to establish: that max is an unreliable narrator, that there are things she doesn’t see. i would say the tables have turned, and it has, but we also discovered that deib has always been the romantic, and max the realist. at that moment we know that max will be changed irrevocably. that ending took the wind out of me. that hurt, but it was thrilling too, made me excited for things to come.

 ‘love is like lightning.’ poor deib doesn’t know he has been struck by lightning, and is prone to the electricity of one. he doesn’t know it yet because of the gray sky gloom of his shattered heart.

the kiss is everything, it was shocking, kilig and all that, but in context of the story, it is more appealing more kilig to think of all the interactions that lead up to that accidental kiss, all the pent up tension in those interactions that is channeled into that meeting of lips. oh gosh! it just occurred to me, this kiss was predicated by such a verbose exchange just to prove a point, to win. it only took this kiss to shut both max and deib up. i would say there are no winners here. they are both losers to love. except. it’s still to early to call it, right?

in terms of the team up: implied as it is, this is what i mean when i say, i am unafraid for these two to go there, when necessary. there is such a safety i sense between donny and belle, in the way they care for each other. it’s beautiful.

to say that this show only promotes bullying to its young, impressionable target demographic, could not be more wrong. this show matters because it gives its characters (who are representative of today’s teen generation), complete arcs, and safe spaces for feelings no matter how ugly they are. it’s a show that allows teens to be teens, allows them to figure things out for themselves, a show that allows them to relate with one another, as they should. and the usual byproduct of emotional teens relating with one another is bullying. it’s not the best thing ever, but it is what it is. see, we can only pray and hope that the kids turn out to be good ones, but to expect kids to be perfect is out of the question. this is a work of fiction, of course there is a tinge of exaggeration. now, if you all are that bothered by the bullying, i hope there are adults watching with you. be kilig. have fun with the show, but always look deeper.

why do you think i needed three re-watches and few days for a post this long?

i am excited for the next episodes.

__

(if i think to add more, this will be edited).

[bigskydreaming]

(Last Anon) I write a lot of dark shit. I’ll openly admit it helps me cope with the shit Ive been through. It was advised to me by a therapist, and reading and writing it makes me feel better. The tagging system helps me avoid the things that WOULDNT make me feel better. It’s up to me to make that distinction. What level of tagging would actually make you comfortable? Do you want to stop people from writing anything noncon all together? (Idk if this sounds attacky, I don’t mean it that way)

I answered before I saw this second question, so I’ll try to make this briefer...

I’m gonna be blunt here: I’m.....not exactly side-eyeing that therapist, because its not like I’ve talked to or worked with every therapist out there lol, and I don’t know their reasoning on this subject, but I DO question whether or not there’s room in your dialogue with your therapist to expand on this and explore if there’s any kind of miscommunication or misinterpretation of WHY they suggested it might make you feel better....as well as whether or not they meant just in writing it for yourself vs writing it to share with other people online.

I say that last part because those can be very distinct things.....because ALL forms of writing, are at their core inherently just....communicating ideas. Even to ourselves.

Its why journaling is so effective for a lot of people. Its literally just us using writing to express our own ideas to ourselves, to communicate what we’re already thinking or feeling to ourselves in more...digestible ways we can more easily internalize even if we’re the only intended audience for what we write there.

And I also say this because there’s a difference between exploration and validation....and the intended results and receptions to both these things.

Like.....tbh, I’ve spent a lot of my life asking WHY, in terms of why certain of my victimizers might have done the things to me that they did. Its been a large, central question at times.....the mystery of it being something that’s bothered me to large degrees.

So in that vein, there is a certain logic to writing various dark shit in an effort to reach SOME kind of understanding, even just in my own mind. Trying to understand what they were even thinking, the WHY of it, in order to at least transform the unknown of it into something real or tangible that I could more easily refute or push back against. 

But all of that can be done in the form of writing just to myself. The second I share that writing with a wider public, many of them unknown to me, however.....it takes on a whole new dimension.

Because now I’m not just communicating my thoughts on this matter to myself.....I’m communicating it to an audience of people all with their own thoughts, priorities, lived experiences, etc. And there is ZERO guarantee, or even really a realistic expectation, that this wider audience is receiving what I’m communicating or interpreting it or whatever.....in the same vein, and for the same reasons, that I’m writing it in the first place.

So not only do I now have to factor in that while say, exploring my victimizers’ mindsets in order to make them more real and thus more realistically refuted, like....that might be my motivation for writing it to myself, and MY understanding of what I’ve written and why......but to people out there in that wider audience....I have NO idea what they’re getting out of it. People who actually ALREADY think this way could see it as validation, proof that the predatory thoughts they had were more normal and acceptable than society otherwise wanted them to think.....or other victims of similar kinds of events could accidentally use it to negatively reinforce ideas they had about THEIR victimizers’ being valid in thinking the way they did, and for doing the things they did to them.

But then I also have to now factor in the ADDITIONAL angle that is....feedback. And especially, ESPECIALLY in a fandom environment which simply does not allow for or condone negative reception to this kind of content, and will default to defending the author and any readers of the author, REGARDLESS of their motivations or intentions....over a reader who is genuinely distressed by how they received the content.

Because feedback IS validating. Plain and simple. Positive reception IS affirming, in WHATEVER we do.

So....now there’s the problem that I can’t honestly say for sure at this point if what’s making me feel better about writing this dark shit is just the writing of it itself, communicating whatever it communicates to me when I put it to paper....OR if maybe what’s making me feel better is the external validation I’m getting from readers who for their own reasons, whatever they might be, are telling me this is fantastic, I’m great at this, they want more.

And that can very easily become a trap, see....because whereas initially my writing this stuff for myself might have had some benefit....if the how and why of me doing this goes somewhere it wasn’t ever intended and becomes something else entirely....that can eventually like....overtake and REPLACE my original motivations completely.

And instead of this being something I do for a FINITE period of time, for as long as I need to in order to work through this stuff....it can become something I kinda just...dwell in, and never move past.....because the validation I’m getting from writing this specific content and how that VALIDATION makes me feel, specifically.....gives me reason enough not to...ever actually move past this stuff no matter how else it might be effecting my life or my mindsets about things.

And I’m not saying that’s what’s going on with you or going to happen with you or anything of the sort, because I flat out DO NOT KNOW your situation or your therapist or what they recommended or why.

I’m just saying....the problem with using ‘coping mechanisms’ as a catch-all defense without ever delving into the specifics of WHY this specific coping mechanism and what specifically its meant to accomplish....is there is nothing inherent in a coping mechanism that’s like.....good.

Because coping is the bare minimum, frankly.

It should never be upheld as the IDEAL.

So for instance, as a survivor of physical abuse and in terms of how that often made me feel weak or powerless....I could, feasibly, say getting into physical fights is a coping mechanism for me, as long as I win them, because they make me feel strong or powerful. I could genuinely say, despite how it sounds, punching someone on some level DOES make me feel better.

But could I actually argue this is any way ideal, healthy or sustainable in the longterm? Let alone ignore the effect is has on the people I fight, for what are essentially entirely self-serving reasons?

I’m just saying....coping isn’t always the be all and end all....and it can get away from us very quickly if we lose sight of WHY we’re doing it and to what end.

And to answer the rest of your questions.....all of this is what I want. All of the above conversation is the POINT of my frequent rants.

Because these kinds of conversations are ESSENTIAL to what fandom CLAIMS are the point of these kinds of fics and content and readerships.

These are not things that can just be assumed, or things that are one size fits all and the same for every writer and reader regardless of personal situation.

But can you honestly say that fandoms, as they exist now, are remotely open or conducive to HAVING these kinds of conversations regularly? To making the asking of THESE specific kinds of questions something people regularly do, or check in with, or consider before or during the creation or consuming of dark content.....as opposed to just taking for granted that its fine and its GOOD because fandom has been doing it this way all along and everyone who’s been a guiding influence to you in fandom has previously assured you this is fine and works and doesn’t need fixing or adjusting?

Because I don’t think they are, and THAT’S my issue, and THAT’S what I want, in answer to your other question.

Do I really want people to just stop writing dark shit altogether? At least the fetishistic kind, the kind that exploits real peoples’ real traumas for entertainment rather than be respectful of the inherent power and weight it comes with just by virtue of being what it is?

I mean, on the one hand, yes, sure. I’m not going to lie. That would be ideal.

But part of why I object so strongly to accusations of purity policing and censorship is because I DON’T view the world in terms of black and white, binary thinking.

And so on the other hand, no, this isn’t what I want, because it isn’t something I spend any time actually WANTING....because that would be a waste of time and effort, because I UNDERSTAND that that’s just not a realistic want. I’m not likely to ever see like, just a full scale abandonment of the consumer culture fad of rape culture.....and I don’t want to actually censor it because I fully believe censorship is just a band-aid slapped on a gaping chest wound....banning content does nothing to address the WANT of a type of content, and as long as that want persists, people will find a way to feed it.

So realistically, ACTIONABLY.....all I really want is this. More of these kinds of conversations, engagements. Open, frank, directness about what’s ACTUALLY going on with a lot of this content and being communicated with it, the risks inherent in it....acknowledgment of the negative impact that goes hand in hand with the positive impact you get from readers saying they like this, they enjoyed it.

And yeah, I fully admit and hope that along the way, it DOES lead to more people just stopping writing this type of content altogether.....BUT the WHY of that is important.

Because I believe this would only happen or come about because in the act of actually ASKING these questions of themselves and their work, ACTUALLY acknowledging the full scale of impact, the bad as well as the good, actually LISTENING to people who complain or criticize it instead of just dismissing them as entitled or whiny or puritans....I do think that this would inevitably lead to some people abandoning this type of content altogether.....because its just flat out not really enjoyable to them when they consider it in the context of its negative impact AS WELL as the positive.

But the thing is......THAT, yeah, I’m okay with. Because I don’t believe anyone is entitled to LIE to themselves or hide from the negative impact of their own actions or actions of those around them, just in order to preserve the entertainment value of ONE aspect of ONE personal hobby.

That, I have no shame about potentially having an influence on people in regards to, because there is literally NOTHING WRONG with asking people to be more aware of themselves and their place and impact among others, and to interact honestly and directly with their own actions, likes, and interests.

Like, there’s just not.

And I fully believe everyone really already knows that, and that’s WHY this conversation so frequently gets twisted and derailed into being about things its just not about...censorship, purity policing, fiction not being the same as reality....

None of those are the point. THIS is the point. Has always been MY point, at the very least.

Bottom line, fandom as is, expects people whose lives are directly reflective of specific types of content to make THEMSELVES smaller in fandom spaces, in order to make room and make way for the content a lot of people like.

And I fully and unapologetically believe that’s backwards.

Fic should not take priority over people. Fictional interests should not be more important to a fandom COMMUNITY than lived experiences.

Nobody has any right to ask or expect other fans to make room, object less, isolate more.....just so that other people can enjoy certain fictional content without having to do any serious examination of it and how that makes them feel.

[thewebcomicsreview]

hussie said a thing abt the epilogues reddit. com/r/homestuck/comments/cuywff/the_homestuck_epilogues_bridges_and_offramps_new/

I also think many of the negative feelings the story creates isn’t just an urgent prompt for the reader to imagine different ideas, or ways to resolve the new narrative dilemmas. It’s also an opportunity for people to discuss any of the difficult content critically, and for fandom in general to continue developing the tools for processing the negative emotions art can generate. Sorting that out has to be a communal experience, and it’s an important part of the cycle between creating and criticizing art. I think not only can creators develop their skills to create better things by practicing and taking certain risks, fandom is something which can develop better skills as well. Skills like critical discussion, dealing constructively with negative feelings resulting from the media they consume, interacting with each other in more meaningful ways, and trying to understand different points of view outside of the factions within fandom that can become very hardened over time. Fandoms everywhere tend to get bad reputations for various reasons, maybe justifiably. But I don’t see why it can’t be an objective to try to improve fandom, just as creators can improve their work. And I think this can only happen if now and then fandoms are seriously challenged, by being encouraged to think about complex ideas, and made to feel difficult emotions. I believe when art creates certain kinds of negative feelings in people, it can lead to some of the most transformative experiences art has to offer. But it helps to be receptive to this idea for these experiences to have a positive net effect on your life, and your relationship with art.

Christ, he’s gone full Lennon. Imagine a good ending. I wonder if you can.

So, I’ve mentioned this a few times, but the most transformative art has ever been for me was a comic that actually started on the Homestuck forums

Prequel - Or - Making The Cat Cry: The Adventure - is a comic written by Kazared loosely based on the Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. It’s about a Khajiit girl named Katia who moves to OblivionLand to make a new life for herself, and the comic spent years building Katia up to bigger and bigger heights so that every time she crashed she crashed harder than ever before. The second time she relapses into alcoholism is where a lot of readers give up on the comic for being misery porn.

There’s a point where she she’s solved all her problems and even gets to join the mages guild - her lifelong dream - only for the woman running the Kvatch mage guild to mild control her into giving up all her stuff, including the stuff important to Katia’s only friend.  Katia is left naked on the streets literally digging through trash in the vain hope of trying to find a solution to at least one of her problems. And what she finds is a bottle of beer.

Twice already in this comic Katia hit a really bad patch and started drinking again. The comic has twice made us root for Katia to succeed, only to jump cut to her waking up in a stranger’s bed with no memory of what happened. 

She wanders into an empty church (OBVIOUS SYMBOLISM ALERT), and alternates between trying to find some supplies and fantasizing about everything magically getting fixed, which slowly morphs into fantasizing about drinking while getting increasingly furious at barrels for not having clothes in them.

One thing. You wanted one thing and you were too much of a fucking idiot to realize it was hopeless and pointless and bound to ruin everything. Stuck on some childish idea that you could be anything, do anything, and just be some selfish bitch that’s never happy with what she has. Fuck, you don’t even know what you’re mad at anymore, you just hate yourself and everything you ever ruined for yourself and everyone and want to stop thinking about what a worthless mindless thoughtless imbecile you are. You just want to stop fucking thinking about it.

You drop onto the chapel floor and just cry. You cry and cry because you’re stupid and easy and can’t fix anything no matter how hard you try. You cry because your best is worse than everyone else’s average. You cry because your parents never loved you and you’re a disappointment to everyone, even yourself. You cry because all you wanted was to be someone and that’s never going to happen. And when that’s done, you cry a little more because you’re ashamed of being such a crybaby.

You try to get all the emotions out, try to clear your mind and maybe, just maybe feel ready to tackle the night ahead of you, feel as though this is the time you finally turn things around. But no matter how hard you try, how hard you weep and bawl and try to get it all out, you’re still just a fuckup. No matter what you try, that knowledge is still there, gripping onto your every thought and reminding you that things are never going to change.

You’re not strong. You’re not a hero. You’re not even worthy of the name Katia Managan. You’re sad and angry and nothing makes sense, but you know this is probably the clearest your head is going to get.

Someday, things are going to get better. Someday, you are going to fight and persevere and everything will feel great. You think.But for now, you know what you have to do.

And at the very least, there is no way you could possibly make yourself feel any worse.

Katia, for the first time, manages to avoid drowning drinking. She overcomes her issues. And you know what happens next?

She accidentally sets the church on fire, because this is still Prequel. She passes out from smoke inhalation, and then there’s….

this, and then she wakes up and reflects on her managing to stay on the wagon.

Honestly, you just feel… kind of numb.

You fucked up. You lost everything you earned, were discarded by the people you looked up to most, gave away the package you were supposed to be delivering to pay your friend back, completely lost control of your powers, and after passing out naked in a church have probably ruined any chance you might have had at a good reputation in Kvatch. You were a wreck last night when this was all happening, but now… you guess it just feels like you’ve run out of sad. You’re just confused.

Personally, I think this stuff is way darker than anything that happens in the Homestuck Epilogues, which is mostly just over-the-top Warhammer 40k grimderp. This shit got to me, man. And around the time this is happening in the comic, I lost my job. And as the storyline continued past this point, I kept applying for jobs and getting turned down, and it started to really wear on me, I felt I had no useful skills, since my old job was supporting software that only that company used because they made it. Much like Katia got into great positions only to fail, I walked out of interviews thinking I’d aced it only to get turned down, while Katia kept making two-steps-forward-one-step-back advances and not really getting any closer to solving any of her issues. And one day, about six weeks into joblessless and starting to get into serious depression over it, I got two “Thanks but no thanks” calls from places I was feeling good about back to back, and I was just done. 10am and I was going to go into my room and lie down on the floor all day but first Prequel updated so I guess I’ll check it real quick oh hey a flash

This puzzle took me like 20 tries, I’m no good at them. Aggy ran out of inspiring dialogue and started looping. And if you’re not in the right mindset, in the right place, this probably doesn’t seem like much. But right there, a month and a half into unemployment, doing that stupid fucking jumping jumpy peg thing while a ghost cheered me on was life-changing. I was so fucking jazzed when I got it, I was fired up! I was so fired up I tabled my “lie on the floor all day in despair” plan, and started applying for a bunch of jobs. A few of those jobs called me back. One hired me. I still work there now. I always liked webcomics but Aggy Extrapolate is the reason I make them. Because good art is powerful. Good art changes lives, maybe even saves them. And it doesn’t need to be happy to do it, Katia still hasn’t succeeded at her goals (in part because Prequel updates at a rate Dresden Codak would make fun of).

What the hell did the Homestuck Epilogues do, by comparison? What’s the positive net effect on my life, or my interaction with art? “Sometimes things you like are bad”? Shit, man, I already knew that, I’m into wrestling. How is “John recognizes Terezi’s jizz on his dad’s car” supposed to make me a better person, exactly? Do you really think the problem with fandoms is that they’re not angry enough? Are you high, Andrew Hussie? 

[psychic-refugee]

Sometimes I get basic and like to read gossip.

So, there’s this thread going about that mainly focuses on Dove Cameron.

https://prettyuglylittleliar.net/topic/3903-dove-cameron/?page=37

I cannot and do not make any claims to the validity of the thread’s contents.

This is all internet gossip from an anonymous “set employee” who does not name themselves. Please take this with a grain of salt. I do not necessarily believe this gossip, and I write about it mostly for entertainment purposes. Remember, this is the internet, anyone can make up anything. Whatever you happen to believe is true is based solely on your own preconceptions and biases, as nothing is substantiated, and it all amounts to hearsay.

Please also remember that any anecdote is solely from one person’s point of view. A point of view they are expressing behind the back of said celebrity who is not given a chance to defend themselves nor have they put forth their version of events.  

It does not paint her in a flattering light. It literally goes on for 61 pages of mostly people ragging on her plastic surgery (“PS”). I am not a plastic surgeon, so I cannot 100% say what she has gotten done, but as a layperson and from my own opinion, I would suspect that she has had fillers (specifically for her lips), a nose job, and something done to her cheeks. I do agree with that she looks vastly different in each movie, with more work done as time progresses. I’ve also seen her stint on Shameless and bearing in mind that she was 15/16 vs 19/20, I still think she had a lot of work done. I don’t think her transformation can be brushed off as losing baby fat or growing into her looks.   

I’m not super offended by PS. There’s this notion that celebrities maintain this impossible standard, but I think it goes both ways. The public isn’t interested in flaws. They want and even demand perfection from their idols. Fans are quick to “cancel” people or they move on to the next hot new thing. It’s kind of a destructive co-dependent relationship. Like honestly, how many celebrities would you “stan” if you didn’t find them attractive? And what do we find attractive? How quick are people to point out flaws in candid photos? I’m not saying everyone does this, but it’s enough to be pervasive in celebrity culture and I think it’s unfair to try to say it doesn’t exist or to not acknowledge the extreme pressure celebrities are under. The thread itself is an example of it. It’s mostly people ragging on Dove about how bad they think she looks now.

No one is famous without our permission and I have yet to see anyone boost anyone who wasn’t at least conventionally good looking. If they are selling an impossible standard, we are the ones buying it.

So, no. I do not find PS all that problematic in itself. I will agree there is something disingenuous about going on about self-love while heavily filtering/photoshopping pictures on top of PS.

But I also find it disingenuous to talk about body dysmorphia or the mental health dangers of PS and then rag on someone and speculate about every PS they may have had.

Pot, meet kettle.

People bring up that young people look up to her and while I agree that she does have great influence, I just don’t know if it’s really her (or any celebrities’) responsibility to be a good role model. A human is a human, is a human, right? No one person is ever going to be perfect and while they may do something admirable in one part of their life, that doesn’t mean they have to be admirable in every part of their life. That’s another impossible standard fans put on celebrities. I think we should all critically think when giving our time, attention, energy, etc…to anyone. Learning how to critically think is a parent’s job. My mother specifically raised me without celebrity magazines and to take into account what they do and say, and to be skeptical of anything anyone tries to sell me.

Why is it a celebrities’ job to be a third parent?

They’re only responsible for what they do, you’re responsible for what you do.

Holding celebrities accountable for false things they say or try to hock is different. Example, if X celebrity says that this specific tea or vitamin is what they owe their beauty and success to when really it’s the lifestyle they can afford and genetics. Then yes, point out that what they’re selling is snake oil and a lie or just don’t buy it. At some point we have to take personal responsibility for what we consume. Or if these are impressionable young people, then hold their parents accountable as well. If they’re so young, then they’re not buying this stuff, their parents are. And we should take into account what celebrities associate themselves with. I think it’s telling if a person literally doesn’t care what they sell as long as they make money. If someone is willing to sell you dangerous laxatives and call it a diet, that should clue you in on how much they respect their fans and you should rethink giving them your money.

Again, the celebrity is just the spokesperson/seller. It’s up to us to actually research and determine if what they’re selling is worth it or safe. It’s also up to us to figure out if the celebrity uses their fame wisely. If no to either, then it’s also up to us to keep admiring them or not. Celebrities tend to change their tune if their money is threatened.    

I feel like Dove’s PS in itself is a non-issue. Whatever pic of herself that she posts on Insta or any surgery she admits to is her own business. How I react and what I spend my money on is my business. I do not buy into her proclamations of self-love, I do not buy into her vitamins, I do not buy into the highlight reel of the life she’s trying to portray. I see her for what she is: a celebrity. No more, no less.

I am interested in the reports of her diva behavior. Throwing fits, stealing from set, and yelling at set employees does give a bigger picture of her as a person. And it also helps shatter the illusion of a perfect, happy, person. I don’t want to demonize her, but it is good to humanize celebrities. I do think people should take into account how celebrities treat people that are their subordinates.

I don’t think anyone is so talented or famous that they should be given a pass to be a monster to people.

Dove is not so unique in looks or talent where she can’t be replaced.  

There were implications that she is struggling with an eating disorder, it kind of fed into why she may be getting all this PS and the types of photos she takes for Insta. I also wonder if it explains (not excuses) her behavior. She’s probably constantly hungry!

They also alleged that she had been taken “illegal” diet pills. The illegal part might be relative, because the commenter mentioned it may have been Hydroxycut. In the States, it’s an over the counter diet supplement that is mostly just a high dose of caffeine and some herbs. It’s not like an upper or some prescription. Hydroxycut is legal in the States and she probably just brought it over with her. I don’t think it’s a controlled substance, merely just banned for sale in Canada. I’d be more worried that she’s taking it with other stimulants like coffee and soda.

There’s also allegations that she had been cheating on her former fiancé with Thomas during filming of Descendant’s 2, while Thomas also was in another relationship. These things happen, they’re human. It’s a personal issue they should deal with. I wouldn’t want either as a significant other in light of it, but that’s about it. I would be weary of anyone who has an affair as potential mates. If they’ll cheat with you, chances are they’ll cheat on you. But I’m never going to date either of them, so it’s not really my place to judge.

Another tidbit that came from the thread that I’m interested in is Mitchell Hope’s alleged drug use. The comments didn’t specify what he was on, only that he seemed “strung out.” So, if I were making a bet, then it’d be on him to write a tell-all book. I’m pretty jaded on the fact that there are drug addled teen stars. I think it’s just par for the course. Disney makes sure they have a clean image while making and promoting the movies, they literally will protect and pay for good coverage. But once that protection is over then everything comes to light. Mitchell isn’t even really the most famous of the stars for Descendants. He hasn’t really done anything worth noting outside of Descendants. It looks like he has a role in a Netflix Christmas rom-com coming out, but again nothing to really be too impressed with.

I don’t see him lasting long if he’s already showing up to work high. Money goes quick between jobs, especially if you’re blowing it on drugs. There’s also an allegation of hooking up with a set employee. I don’t see anything wrong in terms of two consenting adults, but it’s bad form professional wise. It’s especially in poor taste if he’s 1) obvious about it and 2) makes it public knowledge that it’s just a hook up. Have your fun and all but be discreet and classy about it. Otherwise you’re burning bridges. I think she’ll have more issues than he would, which is why discretion should have been practiced. Like even if he had no intention of getting into a relationship with her, at least respect your partner enough to not endanger their livelihood. But I guess she’ll live and learn.

I was glad to see that Cameron really wasn’t mentioned, at least not in terms of anything bad like diva behavior. He was implicated in stealing items from the set (like costume pieces) but the commenter used the universal “everyone,” so they didn’t outright name him like with Dove and Sofia, so they may have been hyperbolic. Otherwise they said he was always nice, which is good to hear.

I saw a post from another blog asking their opinion about Cameron being friends with Dove despite the behavior alleged in the thread. I want to say that I think their friendship is over conflated. Most of their interactions have been for promos/BTS for Descendants. I don’t think I recall ever seeing them hang together on a purely platonic level, not like he did with Sophie and Karan.

I think people, mostly kids, want to see their movie best friends be best friends in real life. I feel like all the promo stuff insinuated that they all LOVED each other, and they all got along ALL THE TIME. I think most people know that there’s never an instance where literally every person in a large group gets along all the time. They might be cordial and polite to them to be professional, and I think we need to remember that the cast are co-workers.

We also have to remember that they’re young and want to do well in the industry. They won’t want to get a reputation of being difficult or even a snitch. So, while Cameron may or may not have liked Dove that deeply on a personal level, I’ve always felt he was the utmost professional. He’s not going to antagonize her or call her out unless she did something super egregious like hit someone (and maybe not even then, I did not know him personally). From the thread, Dove threw tantrums and yelled at people, none of that warrants risking his reputation for. Even the original poster of the thread wouldn’t give out their name for fear of reprimand and possible legal action. On some level, they too do not think it’s worth calling Dove out for any real consequences.

They’re willing to gossip about it, but they’re not willing to give actual credibility to their story.

When his manager was indicted, he immediately fired him. I think that speaks to his character and if Dove had done something truly heinous, he would have stood up to her.

We also have to remember that it’s possible that this entire thread in terms of Dove’s behavior might be completely made up. We have nothing to go on besides this one person’s account, and we have no idea who this person is. Literally anyone can create a username, open a thread account, and say “I work for X company and I had Y position with Z celebrity.” I can’t verify any of that. One person can also make dozens of accounts, say they’re different people, and try to tell the same story. Again, that doesn’t make any of it true. Even if we took their account as true, we only have their side of the story.

I would never judge Cameron or the others on who they’re friends with based on salacious gossip.

[trayvonfleary-blog]

General Assembly Software Engineering Immersive

Hello All, instead of posting my normal content relating to cars and/or trucks, I will be taking a deeper dive into my daily life, particularly regarding the software engineering immersive program that I am currently undergoing, which is a technology bootcamp. For a couple of months, I am going to sway away from discussing different sectors within the automotive industry while I focus strictly on technology, but automotive is not going anywhere so stay tuned for big announcements following;)

What Is It?

Currently I’m completing General Assembly’s Software Development Immersive, which is a “12 week award-winning program that has expert instructors and career coaches, and connect graduates with 19k+ hiring partners to get them jobs at A-list companies.” It is slated as your best course for career transformation. The company boats 9,000+ hires, as it states that they are the leader in placing their grads into high-growth, and high-pay tech jobs. Yes, this is all accomplished within 12 weeks. I’m sure you’re asking, “Are these jobs guaranteed?” Of course not, but the company is quite confident. Continue reading as to “why?” after this quick infographic below illustrating what you can expect from this program.

Im currently entering into my 5th week of this program. On our first day, a General Assembly employee bursts in our classroom, after getting another graduate hired, and asked, “Did you guys here about our last cohort?”, which had ended a couple of months prior. We had no clue what she was referring to but then she claims that their last cohort had a 93%+ hire rate. Impressive right. Thats a way to bring some motivation if you had any doubts before. Who knows if this was the truth, but they were all very excited and I have personally heard from some earlier attendees about the jobs that they received after the course and some even during the last week or 2 of the course ending. Before this starts sounding like a fantasy world where you can spend the 3 months and someone else can spend 4-5 years getting a computer science degree and you both end up with the same job (very possible), I’m going to break things down a bit.

Tuition Options?

First, starting with cost, I feel that the tuition share agreement is the best payment option and allows many people who can’t afford it to have a chance at something that can be life changing. It is not yet available in all states, but it’s a great option if you are not trying to pay $14k(approximate tuition cost) out of pocket and upfront(or in a few payments).  Focusing on the $0 upfront income share agreement, it is structured very fair in my opinion. You are only required to pay an upfront $250 deposit until you land a software engineering job (ex: web development, full stack, etc) and depending on your location, entry level is probably hovering around $60k and above.

So if you don’t land a job, you are not at the hands of a huge loan that you cannot afford and most importantly, you’re not out of $14k+ that many pay to take the program. If you have additional experience in UX/UI design, and/or other skills for that matter, your pay can be a lot higher.

Income Share Agreement?

As far as General Assembly not offering the income share agreement not being offered in all states, specifically New York at the moment, I believe that it has to do with the amount of jobs being offered and the amount that are vacant. Here in the Greater Atlanta Area, the tech scene is taking on massive growth along with an abundant amount tech jobs that have yet to be filled. Whether it’s startups, fintech companies, or larger corporations, there is a massive demand for tech jobs in many industries here. I’m not sure of the availability in other cities and states in respective to the amount of tech workers seeking employment.

Adding to the tuition share agreement option, applicants are also subject to a more strict batch of pre course work, along with an evaluation to see if you are prepared and can be successful at this program. My pre course work (estimated to take 40 hours if you have prior knowledge) took me at least 60+ hours, and thats literally. Going through the pre course work, I decided to take notes and continue to reference them even when the program started so that I could truly retain the information, just as I would with another language until I could demonstrate it effortlessly.

Negatives?

The only negative to this income share agreement is that the total amount paid for the course increases to approximately $20,000, instead of the $14,000 that you could sign up for up front after getting accepted. Although this $20,000 will be paid for over a multiple of years (small monthly payments ranging from $300-$800 per month), depending on how much income you are making per year with the lower end being around the $50k end and the upper being $100k+ end.

That is where the trade off comes in, as you decide whether you would want to pay $14k up front or $20k over a multiple of 3-5 years. Simply put, both options come with what some will see as a hefty price but when compared to the average college tuition for 3-5 years, it is significantly less. So is it worth it?  My simple answer: Yes, but its not for everyone and also depends on how much time you willing to dedicate!

What does it take?

Personally, as I’m approaching week 5 in the 12 week program, I would say that it is well worth it. This may not be the same for everyone else. There are so many factors that go into this decision and realizing if it is worth it for you or not. First off, the program is 12 weeks long and runs on a very strict schedule, from Monday – Friday (9am-5pm). All of my cohort(class) had to quit their jobs, and/or whatever else they were doing including school, etc. This IS NOT just a 9-5 job for three months. Ample time is required outside of class for this program to be worth it. You get what you give. Currently, it is very normal for me and my “codemates” to spend another 20-40+hours outside of class per week, on top of our current 9-5 days.

Being Prepared?

Handling this amount of work in such a short period of time is life changing mentally, physically, socially, and financially of course. Savings is required as it’s almost impossible to take on a full time job during this time. Knowing how to handle stress and pressure is also very important, as there will be a lot of ups and downs during the course. Another importance is your family and support. Your time will be very limited during this time, so just be prepared to be a bit disconnected during this time.

For me, personally, I had no real coding experience before starting the pre work for this program, but doing a lot of studying in the year prior to signing up for the program certainly helped with knowing different technologies and frameworks, and what they were used for. Regardless, free time gets pretty scarce during this time of development. It is extremely tough to stay consistent with a certain level of focus each and every day in this program, as it’s basically like learning a new language. So, being prepared is very critical.

The Daily Grind?

Each and every day has a structured schedule that we are given at the beginning of the cohort. The days normally start with lecture, or a quick meeting if it’s project week. Throughout the day, we go through enormous amounts of material, but it’s never just a lecture. Practice, practice, and more practice! Daily learning on how to structure, develop, and implement responsive webpages and applications from the ground up. This is where General Assembly separates itself from just trying to read and learn to code online, or even while pursuing a 4 year computer science degree while spending meaningless time on classes and material that you don’t need or ever use again.

As the saying goes, if you want to learn Chinese, the fastest way is to get dropped directly into the middle of China! This is the exact same. You’re being thrown right into the programming fire everyday, but in a good way. All of the new information learned is always directly followed by practice, as you jump right into the CLI(command line interface) and your IDE(integrated development environment). HTML, and CSS fly by within the first couple of days and then you will be jumping directly into Javascript. After that, you are off and running, and thats when the real challenge starts and the bulk of the course begins.

Is It Really Worth It?

All in all, I think it is definitely worth it if you have a passion to work in tech, whether to create your dream company or to work for another. This is the case, but this immersive program is not something that you spend a little time on and make it into a small side gig. If that’s what you’re looking for, then programming may not be ideal for you. It takes intense focus and dedication to be successful in the field. One mistake can crash an entire program, or maybe even delete an entire database and cause the company to crash. What if someone deleted the entire database of Uber drivers because they told the computer an incorrect command? Of course this would not happen, as their infrastructure has too much sophistication for that to happen, but the company would literally be out of operations for who knows how long and this would cause the end of one of the biggest companies that the world has ever seen.

If you’re not passionate about it, and that goes for anything in life, then you shouldn’t waste your time and/or money. It is also only worth it if you have time. This point needs to be emphasized. For example: If you have a family and can’t afford to quit your full time job, this is not a good idea. I’ve found that many who go through these programs don’t have many responsibilities at the moment, or they have wonderful supporters around them who help them throughout the duration. The immersive is very time consuming, and some may find it easier than others, but the amount of time that has to be put in is undeniable.

In a quick rundown, within 5 weeks, I have learned HTML, CSS, Javascript/jQuery, started creating our own servers, learning node, express, mongoDB, certain data structures and science, and so much more underlying information. This is not everything, and has taken massive work outside of class along with in class work and lecture. Just 5 weeks ago, I wouldn’t even know where to start.

Why Would You Put Yourself Through Such a Daunting Task?

For me, taking this leap was about being creative and bringing my ideas to life, as I push to provide immense value to this world for decades to come. My friends have always told me that I have all of the ideas, but to me they meant nothing if I could never bring them to life. I avoided obtaining these skills for the simple reason of believing that they were too time consuming, or that it was too old to start now, or simply because of me believing that I didn’t belong in that time of environment (the common imposture syndrome). Whether you’re a cook, waitress, sales associate, truck driver, garbage truck operator or whatever it may be, you can be successful not only in this program, but in this career field as a whole.

All of these technologies are fairly new, relative to our society, and if you spend 10+ hours a day on something while someone else maybe spends a hour every few days, you will be amazed at how far you can go. If you are thinking of a career change, or simply love the tech field and need this sort of structure to learn, I will highly advise taking General Assembly’s Software Engineering Immersive if time and your situation persists. You will also hear the phrases “Web Developer”, “Full Stack Developer”, etc associated with software engineering as a lot of the knowledge intertwines.

Youtube Series Update?

Last but NOT LEAST, stay tuned as this will be just an intro to these blog and content posts regarding my Software Development journey. I aim to produce this content for the remaining 7-8 weeks in the course, while also producing content beyond the program as I work on different projects and aim to connect with like minded people in the industry. In the upcoming posts, I will link a youtube video that goes into depth about my particular General Assembly Immersive location, in the Greater Atlanta Area. Stay tuned, and be blessed!

[docholligay]

Everything I hated about Lesbian Bear Storm

@katrani‘s commission was a little odd this month--she asked that I condense my thoughts on Yuri Kuma Arashi, which she’d heard I’d seen part of. It was a little odd, but I was happy to do it! Warning: None of this is complimentary to the show. 

SHOOOOCK! KUMA SHOCK!

Shock is possibly the only realistic reaction to 99% of what goes on in Yuri Kuma Arashi, or, at least, the four episodes I committed myself to before remembering that I have a full and happy life with people who love me, and I don’t have to lash out in self-harm. So it may well be that after ⅓ of the goddamn anime is over, it actually starts to engage with the audience in ways that aren’t “Hey, check out me licking honey off a lily spurting from this girl’s body, in a way that you will be forced to remember is being written by a man constantly and all the time.”

This show is literally about predatory lesbians.

This show is about lesbian bears, who pose as schoolgirls, and literally consume girls. And kill them. By eating them.

And this is “what bears do” and the implications of it AREN’T GREAT and they didn’t think about it, or ask a helpful and honest lesbian, because I cannot imagine anyone with two fucks to rub together would greenlight this sort of thing.

And maybe that’s the trouble. Ikuahara is a man, a legend, and untouchable, and so that leads to ruin, most of the time. He doesn’t give a fuck because he doesn’t have to. He can make whatever her wants and no one is going to tell him no.

At the time, YKA seemed to be the answer to every one of our ineffectual tumblr posts asking why everything was not about lesbians, and in fact, the show helpfully tells you that apparently every woman we meet is (Yuri) and all the bears are also (Yuri) and it also like indicate that school is a (Place) and things are (History) because apparently we have lost the ability to identify things on our own.

I kept waiting for the show to do something with the concept, to tweak the parentheticals so we could see people change, or the definitions of how we see things change, but it never materialized, and I never had the faith in the show that it would.

And that’s the thing. I know Ikuhara can take his time getting running from Utena (Only up to episode 29 pls to not be spoiling!!!) and that gross-ass concepts are a part of some of his larger vision for a story. But by the time I got done with a third of the goddamn show, I WELL KNEW that stuff was happening here. Even in the first episode, the opening story essentially tells you “Utena is dumb about this, we know, wait for it.” Even when the show absolutely squicks the shit out of me AND IT DOES, I trust that it’s going to do something with the broad concepts because...it has.

And YKA never seemed to even dabble in doing anything--it was even more about pushing sexual lines and really bizarre lesbian fetishism than Utena, but it had all the formulaic boredom that Sailor Moon can have. There was always a Yuri Bear Transformation Sequence, for reasons that never fully made sense to me, and then it was just a great deal of plodding along with our main character. Which….you can’t do in a 12 episode anime. I tend to enjoy 12 ep animes more than others because you have to tell a story in an abbreviated fashion. But this never did that. Nothing is ever really revealed in 4 episodes that lends any kind of depth or interest to the storyline or its characters.

There is much more attention and loving detail lavished on the sexual content, up to and including sexual assault. This anime is SATURATED with a man’s hot take on lesbian interactions in a school setting, and it’s exactly as gross as that sentence just made it sound. There’s very little to be had of genuine affection (and the couple that may have had that has one of the girls get killed right off in front) but much to be had of ramming one’s knee between a girl’s legs, crawling on top of her, licking honey off her lily while she’s unconscious (I cannot make this shit up), and other various and sundry acts that read like the personal journal of that one guy whose house you stayed away from a teenage girl, because he looked at you THAT WAY.

And part of the sad and and frustrating thing is that when it is not being disgusting, it is hilariously dumb, so much so that it is TERRIFICALLY QUOTABLE, were you not having to quote an anime that you could not so much as mention to another human being lest they seek out the terrifying and hidden knowledge, opening Pandora’s box and allowing all the sins of the world to fall upon them.

The temptation to introduce myself as Doc Holligay (Yuri) is overwhelming. SHOOOOOCCCKKK! X SHOCK! Is a perfect way to react to anything that is not at all shocking, perfectly carrying over the mocking tone such things deserve. The desire of have and use the “Yuri Approved” gif forever and for all time (and from me! A person who does not respond in gifs to anything, ever!) is painful. But much like the Uranus and Neptune figures from Crystal, beautiful as they were, every time I saw them I would have to be reminded of the thing they came from.

I didn’t watch beyond four episodes, and have zero percent intention of ever doing so, because there are so many better ways I could be spending 4 hours of my life, up to and including underwater basket weaving, which is at least a source of stress relief and will create something functional, which is more than I can say for literally anything happening in this show, but I guarantee you Kureha (Our main girl) ends up fucking a bear, I KNOW this to be true in my senshi heart.

And this is not me being particularly clever. It’s that every single bear who meets her talks about what a ‘lovely smell’ she has, and how badly they want to eat her, because apparently Ikuhara read Twilight and was like “oh shit, this is fucking genius, NANAKO MY NOTEPAD AND HOLD MY CALLS.” So you know that sooner or later, she is going to end up romantically entangled with some bear, probably the tsundere little one named Ginko, who talks about basically nothing BUT eating her, and then will decide not to because true love or something something.

This is despite the fact that literally anyone Kureha has ever cared about in her life has been eaten by a bear, but true sexual assault conquers all. If you’re a bear and you stalk a girl long enough, she will forget every terrible thing that has ever happened to her and go with you instead.

I wish I could say something complementary about the anime, and I suppose the nicest thing I can say about it is that it IS hilariously quotable. Jill and I now occasionally say “Gau gau,” after a sentence (Apparently that is bear accent) and as mentioned, I want to throw the Yuri Approved gif everywhere. But in any part of character or story, I find it lacking. I don’t know why I really care what happens to Kureha, and there’s nothing in her that feels like she’s compellingly responsible for her own problems in the way of say, Utena, or Madoka, where you can be frustrated and interested in their story at the same time. It feels almost UNFINISHED.

I’m not saying this concept could literally never be good or interesting, but I am more than willing to say that Ikuhara seriously fell down here, and it feels like a really amateur effort from a man who wrote the most solid season of Sailor Moon and Utena. I know it doesn’t have to be like this, and it’s frustrating to see someone I know to have potential turn in something so pathetic and lazy and also GROSS.

All in all, I urge anyone reading this to give it a miss. There’s nothing to be gained by watching it, and if someone managed to find deeper meaning in it, you deserve your lit degree more than mine, because I never could get there despite being the queen of spinning literary straw into gold. Whatever you’re hoping to get out of YKA, you are going to be disappointed for, unless what you are hoping is to get a lot of lesbian assault and extremely weird sexual situations, in which case, congratulations, I’m not sure you could do much better.

I probably won’t try anything else by Ikuhara after this--he narrowly toes the line for me in Utena, and it appears time and success has only emboldened him. So I will sit and rewatch Sailor Moon S, and remember that, at one time, he was capable of showing some level of genuine affection between lesbians, making them complex and troubled characters, and not having them assault each other.

That is the sexy way. Shaba-da-doo.

[tipsycad147]

Proper disposal of magickal trash

by Michelle Gruben

The candles have been extinguished, the circle opened, and the spell completed.  But what do with the leftover stuff?

You probably know how easy it is to get saddled with ritual debris: candle stubs, bits of fabric and string, bottles, bags, and written spells.  Though no longer useful, these items once held great meaning.  Just throwing them away seems inappropriate.   But keeping them around can stunt your magic and clutter up your house.  In this article, we'll consider ways of ethically, safely, and effectively disposing of the physical remnants of spellwork.

Re-using ritual items

Some ritual items are suitable for re-use, and others are less so. Never absolutists, we'll help you sort your magickal junk into "usually," "rarely" and "sometimes" re-usable.

Usually re-usable: Generally, stones, crystals and metal charms can be cleansed and re-activated for another purpose.  (Don't throw out that Quartz point--your little ritual was just a blip in its million-year existence!)  Your consecrated altar tools, obviously, are also fine to use again and again.  The exception is when an item is so tied in your mind to a particular working that using it in a future one would distract you.  (We'll cover the cleansing of ritual objects in a later post.)

Rarely re-usable: Most consumable organic matter belongs firmly in the "throw out" category.  Oils, herbs and food are considered to have passed all their energy to the present working, and are not usually recycled.  Ashes and paper rarely serve any useful purpose after the spellwork is complete.  Offerings to spirits or deities are never re-used under normal circumstances, as doing so might offer insult to the receiving entities.

Sometimes re-usable: The recycling of candles, spell bags, bottles, poppets, and so on is really up to the individual practitioner.  Conventional wisdom states that once dedicated to a certain purpose, these items are spent.  But many a thrifty old Witch has been known to melt down leftover candle wax, or re-baptize a voodoo doll (perhaps with a new hairdo). Ultimately, the answer to this question comes down to your gut, your budget and the rules of your personal practice.

Evaluate your trash

Once you've determined that it needs to go, it's time to take a good hard look at your garbage. Consider its size and content.  Is it biodegradable?  (And if so, how long would it take for it to decompose completely?) Could your trash harm someone--physically, emotionally, or psychically--if they were to run across it? The answers to these questions may rule out some methods and locations for disposal.

Obviously, some types of juju are easier to get rid of than others.  Water, herbs, ash (and the like) can usually be given to Nature--scattered or left respectfully outdoors.  Bone, cloth, wax, and plastic can stick around for months or years, and require a bit more effort to release. But if the remnants of your ritual are toxic, sharp, biohazardous, energetically icky, or personally identifying, take extra care.  You want this stuff banished permanently, where it won't come back to haunt you, literally or figuratively.

Near or far?

Finally, you may want to consider where, geographically speaking, you want your stuff to end up.  Witches who own real estate often prefer to keep magickal remnants on their own property--even building up a "spell graveyard" over time.  This anchors the energy in a familiar place and usually ensures that it won't fall into the hands of outsiders.

However, there are times when it may be more suitable to leave leftovers in a distant location. Say you did a working to excise an awful person permanently from your life, burning their photo and sealing the ashes in a bottle.  Would you really want that garbage in your backyard? Subconsciously, you might feel that part of that person was still lurking around. It would likely be much more satisfying to drive it to some godforsaken lot on the edge of town, and never go back there.

You may wish to take your sacred trash to a place connected with your Gods and ancestors, or that is significant to you in another way.  You may also not have a place at home to properly dispose of it. There are lots of options--just refrain from polluting or trespassing on private property.

Disposal by Earth

A tried-and-true method for sealing a working is to bury its components in the ground.  If you live in an urban environment and don't have access to open soil, a flowerbed or potted plant is the next best thing.  

Our wonderful Earth eventually absorbs and recycles everything--energy and matter.  A "dirt nap" is arguably the best method for anything that carries negative or erratic energy.  Earth is really the only proper way to dispose of stubborn or potentially hazardous materials.  Bury it and meditate on its transformation.  Graveyards are a traditional place to leave magickally charged trash--but get permission from the site's guardians first.  In gratitude for taking your rubbish, you may also want to leave a small token for presiding spirits and Fae.

If you can feel ley lines or geomantic energies, you'll find that placement of your garbage can make a subtle difference. In general, active spots will disperse concentrated energy more quickly, but can have other, unpredictable effects. Play with it!

So while we're on the topic of Earth...what's wrong with putting spell ingredients in the regular trash? If it winds up in a landfill, how is that any different, really, than burying it yourself? This is just the kind of marvelous, irreverent question that I love to be asked.

One of the tenets of my Pagan religion is that "there is no unsacred space."  So yes, the kitchen wastebasket is sacred, too! The problem arises when it is done without ritual.  Ritual creates focus, and focus is essential to magick.

Your subconscious recognizes an end to the working when you bury your items with ceremony, but glosses over it when you toss them out with your half-eaten hoagie and bus pass.  In your deep mind, it's not really over.  If you must dump your stuff in a regular trash can, take a moment to visualize yourself consigning it to the Earth, the same as you would if you were burying it with a shovel or spade.

Disposal by Air

The element of Air contributes a lot to magick--fresh ideas, wisdom, and adaptability.  But when it comes to clearing away the physical detritus of spellwork, Air just doesn't pull its weight.  It's best used for small amounts of ashes, salt and herbs.  Gather these up and scatter them, visualizing them blown to the corners of the world by the Four Winds. Clap your hands, wiggle your nose, and be done with it.

Disposal by Water

Water, especially deep or running water, is a wonderful way to release the pent-up energy in your ritual objects.  Sometimes gently, sometimes dramatically--water absorbs, transports and changes all that is given to it.  A water burial is especially suited to items used in the magick of transformation or healing. Moving water will carry an object far beyond its starting place, so it's also a place to cast symbols of your wishes and dreams.  (Weight anything that you want to stay submerged. Debris released to the sea may eventually wash ashore, so consider that, too.)

What about the toilet? asks the irreverent Witch.  Can't I just flush it down the potty?  Like the garbage can, using it offends some people's fanciful aesthetics. The toilet is just too mundane to be a "real" magickal tool.

Personally, I advocate the use of toilet water--especially for banishing magic. Hearing the "fwoosh" of the toilet is a powerful sensory trigger as you flush that "crap" out of your life!

Disposal by Fire

Fire is excellent for creating a very clean and permanent break with your ritual junk.  There is no retrieving or reconstructing items given to Fire.

A balefire (from the Old English word for "funeral fire") is a ritual fire prepared for the purpose of disposing of old mementos and ritual items.  Many Pagans elect to make a balefire annually at Samhain, either alone or with a group.  You can collect castoffs throughout the year, keep them in an energetically sealed box, and burn them all at once.  For added closure, bury the ashes once the fire has cooled.

As powerful as Fire is, there are always some caveats: Nothing plastic should be burned around people, ever, because of the fumes. (Same goes for polyester and nylon.) Items with trapped air (such as bottles) can burst if you're not careful.  Hair and horn are fine to burn, but smell nasty, so good ventilation is recommended.  Also, Fire disposal is not recommended for haunted, cursed, or "possessed" objects--or anything with really, really bad vibes. The sudden destruction by flame can cause this energy to be released and dispersed in a sudden and unpredictable way.  Cleanse the object properly and bury it instead.

Cleaning up is often the final step of magickal work, so it shouldn't be an afterthought.  The careful and reverent release of items that have served you will result in a strong conclusion to your magick.

https://www.groveandgrotto.com/blogs/articles/42338817-holy-crap-on-the-proper-disposal-of-magickal-trash

[castingdirect]

ONLYFANS: Has The Pandemic Been Responsible For A New Sexual Revolution?

The new revolution It's safe to say that no one is more surprised that Sonja Morgan is the fourth most popular star on OnlyFans than Sonja Morgan. After all, she's 57-years-old and most famous as longstanding 'Real Housewife of New York.' Not the sort of person you'd expect on a platform comprised mainly of nudes and homemade soft-core porn. But Morgan, who is always looking to expand her empire (toaster ovens and even a Nigerian football team are among the doomed enterprises known to 'RHONY' fans), thought there might be room on OnlyFans for her brand of middle-aged flooziness. 'I'm known on the show as "Sexy Sonja" or "Sexy J",' she told the Post: 'I'm always the first to go naked in the pool. I date younger guys. I have all these videos running around naked at swimsuit parties.' When Morgan first joined OnlyFans, which was July 2020, after she had recovered from a neck and facelift, whilst that detail alone makes her a softcore outlier, consider that RHONY audience consists largely of high-income, highly-educated white women and gay men. Morgan explained this in the only way she knows how: 'I walk into Cipriani, and it's people who went to Harvard or Yale - that's who's watching the show. I'm well known internationally, for my lifestyle, as a model and a philanthropist who was married to JPM.' She is relating to John Adams Morgan, the banking icon known as JPM to his intimate friends. In other words, selling one's sexuality online is becoming a side hustle without the stigma and once upon a time, a reality star under contract to a high-profile cable network would likely be fired for sex work on the side. It wasn't all that long ago that Vanessa Williams, the first Miss Black America, was stripped of her title for having posed nude pictures, which were purchased and published by Penthouse. At the time the US gasped, but if released today, the nation wouldn't bat an eyelid. Now major movie stars such as Michael B. Jordan creates an OnlyFans account with close-ups of him biting his lower lip to bait you in to subscribing to zeros scandal at all. Beyoncé even name checks OnlyFans in Megan Thee Stallion's 'Savage,' and the site gets a 15% uptick in traffic within 24 hours. Then the likes of Blac Chyna, Cardi B, Tyga, 'Teen Wolf' star Tyler Posey - all top content creators sexualizing their content as little or as much as they choose to - there isn't any precise rules of what people should or shouldn't do with their accounts, within reason. But the celebrities are just a tiny fraction of OnlyFans users, as it's attracted college students, housewives, even married couples, and the average people who will show you everything to those who offer more of a tease. Since the lockdown, OnlyFans reported a spike of 7.5 million users in November 2019, and in December 2020 it was 85 million global users with a total payout of $2.7 billion to its content creators - it's like the Guardian says - 'Everyone and their mum are on it'. Where once make gatekeepers determined who and what was sexy - from strip clubs to burlesque dancers to Playboy bunnies and nude  models - Now there were no barriers to entry. Women, men, trans, gender fluid, any age, race, weight - if you want to be on OnlyFans, all you have to do is sign up, and unlike OnlyFans' nearest competitor Pornhub, all the content you create belongs to you; the site takes only a 20% cut of the creator income. We are in the midst of a new sexual revolution, this time ignited by the collision of technology and a generational shift in attitude, with the power that women especially derive from online sex work, from setting their own parameters and prices, has transformed our ideas of who participates and why. Not to mention a global pandemic that has left many financially strapped, ready to take advantage of audiences still mostly confined to their homes. Kirsten Vaughn ,25, launched her OnlyFans account in January of 2020, and at the time she was on track to become the first female master technician at her Honda dealership in Indiana, with her take home page of around $450 a week after taxes. It wasn't enough. 'Six months before joining OnlyFans, I was trying to find a second job,'  she said, stating that she decided to join the site and quickly averaged an additional $1,000 a week in gross income, which is $800 after the OnlyFans commission. 'When I first started out in the industry, I was always getting questions about being female: 'Why are you even here?"' Vaugh found herself trying to 'eliminate parts of her femininity' as she puts it, in a quest to be seen as neither male nor female - just an employee, one particularly good at her job, if she did say so herself. It didn't work, and when she got the idea to join OnlyFans, it wasn't just a way to make money, it was a way to enjoy wearing 'make-up and cute clothes, being girly and feminine.' Her parents, she said, don't have a problem with it, for her dad, it was simply a matter of delivery systems changing, his generation had magazines; her generation had the internet. Then came the day a salesman at her dealership approached her saying that he had seen more of her than he ever wanted to see, 'no offense' in his words, and apparently he said he was pretty disgusted, she said: 'And I was really scared that what would happen, happened' and she was let go. Vaughn still doesn't understand why she was fired while two salesmen who viewed her content at work weren't punished equally: 'They told me they didn't care that their salesmen were watching porn on the floor during work hours,' Vaughn said: 'I was a distraction in the shop.' General manager John Watkins said that Vaughn was fired for 'violations of company procedures and policies,' but declined to specify what they were. Vaughn's firing made headlines - especially as the world over, out of work due to the pandemic, turned to OnlyFans as a money-making venture, and to Vaughn, there was no shame, only anger: Just how many of her critics, she asks, watches porn? Why the double-standard - that it's okay for men to consume porn, and as much and as often as they like, but the women who create it should be ostracized, vilified and made to suffer? That said though, Vaughn would warn anyone planning to join OnlyFans, or to pursue any line of sex work at all, that everyone in your life will eventually find out, because she's part of a generation who will not just need to explain social media histories to future employers - or who may be fired for decades-old tweets - but who will have online sexual histories as well. So when Vaughn interviewed for hew new job at another dealership, she openly spoke about her OnlyFans presence, and no one cared. Her main concern, she said, is her personal safety: Yes, sex work online, whether it's a cam girl, often not nearly as profitable, or an OnlyFans creator, protects one from strange people and places and physical harm, be it violence or STDs. But that very technology also makes it easier for strangers to stalk her. Vaughn said: 'I'm in the public eye to a certain extent, and in a way, I don't have any anonymity. If some creepy guy wants to find me, all he has to do is show up.' On the other hand, Vaughn is her own boss - a role that women in sex work have never had before. 'OnlyFans is no different tan the peep shows,' says Marina Adshade who is a Professor that specializes in the economics of sex and love. But with peep shows there were still owners, typically men, who controlled the hiring, salaries, frequency of work and hours, to say anything of some of the abysmal unsanitary conditions. Any sex worker in 2021, liberated by modern technology, would ever put up with any of that. 'OnlyFans and cam girls can only bee seen as a good thing,' Adshade said: 'If someone is a sex worker of their own accord - I see now downside to this.' Stephanie Michelle has been on OnlyFans for about four years, after her former platform Patreon stepped back from sexual content, and she said the pandemic has been more profitable than she could have predicted. 'I'm like, "What's happening?" I'm just posting my boobs on the internet, but business has been booming, and all of us are at home bored out of our minds.' She won't divulge her age (because when you're a sex worker over 30, you lose half of your clientele), or her monthly income, but her base rate of $14,00 per month has helped support her husband, who is an out of work cinematographer, as well as their three cats. 'I don't do penetration,' she says: 'But then I learned you could literally crochet scarves on OnlyFans.' Which then brings us onto Bella Thorne, and though you can post whatever you like to OnlyFans, from cooking to decorating videos, it's known for it's sexual content. So obviously, when Bella Thorne joined, fans flocked thinking they will get to see the former Disney star gone bad in the nude, but she remained fully clothed. In the wake of a really big backlash to what some users had considered false advertising, OnlyFans put caps on what creators can charge, as well as what the user can tip, per day as well as other restrictions. As of August 2020, $50 is the limit for exclusive content per month (Its like paying for an additional streaming service), with $100 cap on tips. 'Bella Thorne made promises and didn't deliver, and that makes sex workers look bad,' Michelle says: 'She's making us look like we don't care about our fans, or that we're liars and cheats. The price cap didn't affect my business - however, that doesn't make me any less pissed off about the cap. I'm very upset for my friends' - other content creators who suffered as a result of the caps. Michelle sees OnlyFans as a net positive, one that is forcing society to reconsider what it means to sell one's image, likeness, or body. She said why is it, that it's more harmful to sell oneself virtually than in the real world, and why do we consider some forms of commodification valid and good, but not others? 'Athletes sell their bodies,' she argues: 'Footballers and boxers get brain damage. In my opinion that's more harmful than me putting my tits online. No one is forcing me to post nudes or make content that I don't want to make. I'm basically an entrepreneur.' Michelle also has direct conversations with individual subscribers, many of whom, she says, are looking for a way to feel less anxious and lonely in lockdown. Relationships have been stripped from us for a full year, said Michelle: I'm so thankful I was able to help people de-stress in a year that was only stress.' And as for Morgan, who has a new season of RHONY due to premier on 4th May 2021, OnlyFans has become part of her brand: 'Bravo is my lifeline, but I do OnlyFans for the same reason I get on Twitter every night - I like to connect with my viewership. And I can tell you: you make good money.' Plus by 2030, OnlyFans will seem quant to the point of innocence, what, with the rise in sex robots... Read the full article

[ileolai]

I’m a bit nervous about posting this, because it’s a big nerdy splurge about Doctor Who, and why it is so very important to me, and there is quite personal stuff in it that I have never posted publicly, but. It’s a little over a day out from the finale, and I can’t not talk about something that totally consumed me for seven years.

When I say personal stuff, I mean stuff like suicidal ideation and mental illness, so there’s a content warning.

I wish Steven Moffat, and everyone else who has poured their lovely hearts into making this show, could know what it has done for me.

I've found it somewhat difficult to pinpoint what my favourite episode of Moffat era Who should be. It puzzled me for quite a while. Not because there are no tremendously stellar episodes that stand above all the rest -- there are quite a few of those to pick over. In terms of actual writing skill, narrative cohesion, magnificent direction and all that pretentious stuff, it would have to be Heaven Sent. I could watch that episode over and over again until the heat death of the Universe. 

But I think my actual favourite episode, the one nearest and dearest to my little anarchist care bear heart, has to be The Beast Below. The one with the whale that was technically more up in space than it was below. I realize fandom consensus does not consider it the pinnacle of Moffat’s storytelling, but I don’t care. The ideas in that episode, and it is so full of lovely ideas, are what made me sit up and start paying attention to the potential this show had. 

Specifically, what got me was what it said about child abuse and neglect as an essential cog in the machine of fascism, or something. Which I had never, in my whole entire life, seen so earnestly articulated on TV before-- in a children’s television show-- with a goddamn whale. I can pinpoint that as the exact moment this show snatched me and hurled me, screaming, into fandom.

[Later, A Christmas Carol would draw big red underlines and exclamation points all around these ideas... that's my other favourite episode. But The Beast Below did it first and hooked me.] 

There’s more to it besides that, though. This is the deeply personal emotional context stuff.

So, here is something you may or may not know about the nerd creature that is me. I was quite homeless at the time The Beast Below aired. And I had nothing -- literally nothing, you see. I was in a totally unfamiliar city in a fairly unfamiliar country, post-psychotic break, post-marriage-engagement breakdown, and I was more alone than I'd ever been -- and I'd been your standard lonely friendless geek my whole life, being Autistic, and what have you. I had just escaped an incredibly abusive, toxic group of people upon realization they were not so much a group of friends, but a cult. Yes, an actual cult! I was in one of those. I was also very, very ill with an immune disorder. And the only member of my family who ever accepted me, the only one actually still talking to me after I gave my narcissistic rage monster mother the finger, had just died of cancer.  This had all occurred across the space of, oh... one year? Almost entirely within 2009, leading into 2010. I was a wreck. And if you piled all this nonsense on a fictional character all at once, I'd probably say you were being gratuitous and change the channel. I was too miserable to even know how miserable I was-- just sort of wandering around in a dissociated haze, surviving entirely by the instincts of my autonomic nervous system. A good friend of mine described it to me later as ''you were sort of frozen'', and she was right. So. I downloaded the space whale episode over a wi-fi connection, illegally, on an ancient computer, in a library [haha how appropriate is that?] because I quite liked all the other Doctor Whos I had seen before, and this new writer fella had done Press Gang, a fond highlight of my otherwise wretched childhood. 

I watched Amy Pond and the Doctor cavorting around dystopian space Britain, having casual conversations about the nature of fascism, in a show marketed to 10 year olds. My sad little eyes pressed right up to the computer screen, irradiating my retinas, and I whispered: ''I've waited 20 years for My Show, and someone finally wrote it. It even has a mad ginger immigrant in it, and she's me. The Universe made this just for me.''

It also had a whale, and the whale was in space. 

And that is how I was propelled into my seven year character arc, my precious nerds. Because this show, from series 5 onwards, has done more for me than anything else on the planet. And I don't care how ridiculous it sounds to attribute my self-actualization to a goofy TV show about loveable alien miscreants saving space whales, because it's true. It took a while, but I learned what I actually value and what actually properly matters to me through this show. Or rather, I re-learned it, because I'd become so lost chasing approval and moulding myself to other people's perceptions to withstand their abuse, I didn't know what I was anymore. 

This show, and this goddamn fandom, helped me pull all the chopped up little bits of me back together more than any therapy or self-help nonsense I had tried. I went back to university and got serious about doing actual work, in part, because ''we're all just stories in the end... make it a good one.'' kept looping in my brain. It made me determined that my life could never be summed up with a single sentence like: ''He was sad and boring, and he wasted away in his apartment -- achieving nothing, leaving no trace''. 

[I still don’t get out much, to be honest. But I’m trying. At the very least, my epic marathon through 500 wildly divergent university degrees says something, yes? Maybe I can set the official record for ‘’the world’s most reluctant to graduate student’’.] 

Anyway. This show, this fandom... gave me so much. It gave me my voice as a creator of things, as a writer, and an analyzer, and it gave me people like me, real and fictional, people I didn’t even know existed anywhere. 

And you know…. this is heavy stuff again-- but it honestly gave me the motivation to get through to another weekend sometimes, when I was apathetic enough and in enough physical pain to contemplate not doing that. It really did. I didn't want to miss an episode of Doctor bloody Who, arthritis and schizophrenia and poverty be damned, and that kept me here. There were points, where one of the few things that restrained me from taking a decisive dose of Oxycontin, was River Song's storyline. I'm serious. And as shameful as that probably is, it's still better than being dead, and not getting to watch Doctor Who anymore. 

Cuz Doctor Who had a whale in it, right? A great big pink whale filled with benevolent intentions, and it was in space, and everybody hugged at the end, on top of the whale, after overthrowing the government! Moffat Who came out of the gate telling ten year olds ‘’OVERTHROW THE GOVERNMENT’’! I needed that with all my aching nerd heart. The Universe made it for me.

And then they put queer characters in it, and mentally ill characters, and abuse survivors, like me, and it valued them, and it valued children. And then there was River Song, and hugs, and self acceptance, and found families, and sparkles all around, and Bill Potts. And a big Jungian tapestry of meta and mythology. Just for me. There was nothing else on TV like it.

So now here we are, the eve of the final episode of series 10, which I have slobbered and fawned over almost as much as series 5, the one that grabbed me. And... I’m kind of terrified, to be honest. Because all the connections I made here, are so tied up in this show, and talking about this show, and picking apart this specific era of the show... I’m afraid I won't have anything to talk about anymore? and I'll drift apart from my friends, and…. never have something quite like this lovely little hive of internet debauchery and meta and space whales ever again. 

That actually scares me so much. Some of you have been here nearly a whole seven years, longer than almost anyone else in my life, apart from my husband, and I am grateful the vast and mysterious machinations of the Universe dumped us all together in the seething hell-pit of fandom. Those of you who have not yet run screaming into the night from my 957 daily posts about Doctor Who... you don't know how much you have helped me, and brighten my day, just by existing.

Yes, even Proton, who is old, and frequently incorrect, and a cyborg. And Elisi, who speaks utter nonsense that confuses my head. Really. I know my primary method of interacting with people is emphatically, and tactlessly, listing every single way they are wrong about things, but I do occassionally have actual emotions like ‘’appreciation’’. 

Do not worry, though. This audaciously out-of-character display of sincerity will now be deleted from your memory. 

Gone? Good. 

So it's been seven wonderful transformative years for me, and the Doctor Who they made just for lil gay anarchist crazy pants care-bear me is ending forever soon. I mean... there will always be Doctor Who, and it will always be Doctor Who, of course. It will be there at the heat death of the Universe, while I’m still salivating over the utter perfection of Heaven Sent. And a sentient gas cloud in a jar will be running it, or something-- because the show has gained its own level of quasi-sentience, furiously transcended all sensible laws of television, and refuses to die.

But the Moffat era came into my life right when I needed it, and it changed me, and I can’t imagine any other era can be that personal to me. It won’t be my Doctor Who anymore. 

Steven Moffat doesn’t know I exist, and yet, has tormented my televisual experiences since I could barely even comprehend television. I have him to thank for two glorious book-ends to my childhood and adolescence: Press Gang, and Doctor Who. Thank you so much, Moffat, you scheming Scottish bastard. Thank you for everything. 

I don’t think I would be the sort of person I am now without this damn show, it’s fandom, and its unapologetic, space whale flavoured idealism. I honestly just wouldn’t be.

[evolutionsvoid]

When it comes to the subject of Mancers, there are many classes that are misidentified as completely different monsters. To the public, many assume that those who are consumed by Mancer Syndrome are just crazy people with magic powers. A Pyromancer is a crazy guy covered in fire, and a Cryomancer is a loony case who is encased in ice. Go outside of that realm, though, and people assume that it is a different beast altogether. Geomancers are one of those, who are often mistaken for golems or ancient statues. Hydromancers are another, as their bizarre appearances and strange encounters leave many sailors and victims babbling of sea monsters and leviathans from the deep. Obviously, the path to Hydromancy begins when a mage turns their focus towards water-based magic. The manipulation and control of water is an interesting path of magic, but one that many do not see as a powerful one. Power hungry mages dream of raining fire from the sky and shaking continents with quakes, not splashing someone with a bucket of water. It is true that Hydromancy is not one for offensive spells, but it is still a helpful side of magic that clever casters can take advantage of. To those who live in coastal towns, Hydromancers are a godsend. Hydromancers often finance their studies and efforts by working on ships and docks. At the docks, a Hydromancer can command the waves so that they may steer a ship to safety or prevent damage when a storm is blowing in. When present on voyages, they are invaluable with their ability to separate salt from saltwater, providing freshwater to the thirsty crew. When the seas get rocky, they can aid in calming the storm and give the ship a chance to survive. A Hydromancer who looks to aid fishermen can cause the water to churn, pulling schools of fish from the depths and dragging them to the surface. As a Hydromancer grows in power and skill, they can seemingly command the water at will. At this point, those who believe Hydromancy to be a passive class will be horribly mistaken. If one is foolish enough to fight them near a water body, they may find themselves dragged in by watery arms and pulled down to the murky depths. Even without a lake or ocean to aid them, Hydromancers can be forces to contend with. Orbs of water can wrap themselves around an opponent's head and drown them on dry land. Some can even spray water with such force that it can slice through flesh and metal. When a coastal town is under siege by pirates and other foes, a Hydromancer may rise up and use the waves to batter the attacking ships. Those who study Hydromancy are well liked by their community, and I truly wish it could remain that way.

Much like other Mancers, though, the research can turn to an obsession. Those who practice Hydromancy will become more and more enamored with the water. Their desire to be close to it will slowly grow, as their need for more water follows suit. Hydromancers who live near ponds will start seeing it as insignificant for their study, and will move towards lakes, until that too becomes too small. All practitioners of Hydromancy who succumb to Mancer Syndrome will eventually find themselves at the ocean. The massive water body seemingly calls them, and they would never dream of being away from it. If the mage does not work hard to purify their mana or follow the steps to prevent infection, they will begin to view land as a dry, inhospitable place. Any hunk of earth will suddenly seem like a desert to them, and they will fear being taken away from the water. At this point, they spend most of their time in the water, practicing their skills and trying to understand the element even more. Hydromancers can even drink seawater without ill effect, as well as using it for sustenance. Something within the water nourishes their bodies, and they hardly need food to fill their stomachs. With that, they will hardly leave the ocean, and protest the sheer idea of even walking on dry land. The concept of walking even becomes foreign to them, as they grow accustomed to floating and swimming. Dragging a far gone Hydromancer to shore will leave them literally flopping on the dirt like a fish. As time moves on, their ties to the terrestrial world will fade away, and they will become consumed by life in the ocean. Like all Mancers before them, Hydromancers will succumb to mana poisoning if the proper procedures aren't followed. As they grow more obsessed with the ocean, their precautions go out the window. Their use of magic and water manipulation will further the infection, until it is too late to save them. When the final stage of Hydromancy occurs, a horrible transformation will take place. All fluids within their bodies will break down and turn to water. No blood, no bile, just pure water. Their forms will be consumed by the water, as the Hydromancer seizes control of ever drop of it within their flesh. Their bodies will twist and contort, as the broken mind shapes it to its liking. Their obsession will at last reach a point where the Hydromancer wishes to join life in the ocean. The concept of humanity too vile and impure for them to handle. What mind and humanity they once had will fade away, and they will flee into the waves to join their brethren. They will often warp their flesh and organs so that they resemble a marine creature, usually the one they fancied during their studies. Mutated into an animalistic form, they will plunge into the deep and become lost in the blue world. From that point on, Hydromancers live the life of simple, marine animals. They swim, hunt and sleep like the beasts down below, and they rarely yearn for anything different. Their exposed, fleshy bodies will be surrounded by a shell of water that is under their control, allowing them to keep away parasites and predators. When they hunt, any flesh they consume will be assimilated and warped to their use, adding to their own twisted bodies. The water within the meat will become their own, and the Hydromancer will grow in size. The water they control can be used to create false limbs and allow them to swim quickly through the ocean. If a Hydromancer ever chooses to come onto land, this water control is used to create a watery body for them to survive in. These instances are rare, as Hydromancers hardly want anything to do with the dry world above.       While monstrous in appearance, Hydromancers are not one of the Mancer types that pose a large threat to humanity. Reduced to bestial state, they prefer to remain in the depths, well away from the world of man. Those who trawl the seas for food may accidentally net a Hydromancer, and at that point, they are doomed. Unless a powerful mage is aboard the ship, the crew will be lost at sea, as the Hydromancer throws its wrath at them. If one ever has to fight a Hydromancer, then my advice is simple. Get them away from the ocean and onto dry land. Fighting them in the sea is impossible. Draw them onto dry land and try to destroy the watery bodies they control. Fire and ice are good for stopping them, as you can either freeze them or dry them out. Leave them high and dry, and you should easily win the day. Before the battle it is essential that you find a way to keep the Hydromancer from drowning you on land. Special breathing apparatuses are good, or the use of wind spells to blow away their drowning orbs. Hydromancers like to engulf the head and smother their victims in water, so it is best to find ways around that. If you cannot remove their watery shells, then lightening is the best option. A bolt of electricity will shoot through their bodies and fry their organs. Just be sure you are not in the water with them while you do it. Though Hydromancers are content to remain deep in the seas, stories have been swirling about of some strange encounters. Sailors speak of ancient Hydromancers that have grown titanic in size, so large that they can drag entire ships to the abyss below. Warped, wet things that slumber in the deep, so old and large that they have forsaken their animal forms and have become something alien. I cannot confirm nor deny this, but a part of me can believe them. The paths Mancers take are ones that humanity was never meant to walk down. When those travelers reach the end of those twisted trails, whatever made them human will be long gone.   Cavarious Shaid

[filmista]

Zero Dark Thirty (2013)

‘Zero Dark Thirty’ was one of those films that I was really only familiar with because of how controversial it apparently is; I’ve heard and read literally everything about the film, ranging from ‘Zero Dark Thirty’ is absolutely emotionless, ‘Zero Dark Thirty’ has no conscience and ‘Zero Dark Thirty’ delves into senseless violence.

It’s so much truly conflicting information that in the end, you’ve just got to see it and draw your own conclusions. One of the reasons that I’ve been wanting to watch it is Jessica Chastain. I’ve been watching more films with her lately and Maya in ‘Zero Dark Thirty’ is supposed to be one of her best roles up to date, if not the best.

Now after having seen the film, I quite frankly didn’t know what to think for a few days, ‘Zero Dark Thirty’ is as many have said clinical, cold and distant and it never takes a clear side. But it’s not emotionless. 

When the film’s main enemy dies, there is no sense of joy and release. the question that came into my head was: and now what? You could have made an entire film about the traumas and the psychological damage war leaves on people.

And the film does this to some degree, which makes it more than a chirurgical reconstruction of a chain of events. But it couldn’t focus solely on that. The children at the end of the film, deserve a film entirely of their own, there are very few scenes that have chilled me and at the same time moved me more.

In the final raid on Bin Laden’s hiding place *not really a spoiler* the children have basically just watched their entire family be murdered, of course, they’re upset… One child, in particular, won’t stop crying, one of the soldiers says “shut that kid up.”

But you do get to see some kind of humanity, the soldiers realize the children are innocent and really have nothing to do with it all, and they calm them down, by talking softly to hem or playing around with them for a bit. And I wish there were more moments like these in the film…

Lots of things can be said about ‘Zero Dark Thirty’ but not that it’s forgettable, the film leaves a strong impression, I’ve been thinking about it, ever since I saw it. One question I’ve pondered over is did I like what I saw?

The answer to that I’m still not quite sure off, I liked what I saw on a technical level, ‘Zero Dark Thirty’ has been executed impeccably, gorgeous cinematography and confident direction (the final raid, is probably one of the best scenes Bigelow has ever directed) and an entrancing performance by Jessica Chastain, she’s magnetic to watch here, you impossibly could keep your eyes off her.

But did I like what I saw content wise? Not really.  As I said the film really gave me no big sense of release at the end, after Zero Dark Thirty, military jargon for the time of Bin Laden’s death.

No matter how you interpret it, ‘Zero Dark Thirty’ can become anything but emotionless in my eyes; as even, the seemingly most hard, insensitive people in it have flashes of humanity.

You could term the film cowardly for staying away from a clear political standpoint, according to some even as military propaganda. I guess it truly depends on how you wish to interpret it.

But the fact is that I found that the film gave us no overly macho CIA agents, ready to sling their guns at any moment, in fact, you don’t get to see all that many guns in the film…

The film punches hard without much need for big effects and fancy toys, to amuse the audience. There are those famed torture scenes at the beginning, granted very unpleasant but I lived through them.

So controversial because it brought up questions of whether the makers of the film and the CIA really stood by torture as an effective method, but let’s not get political, each can think of that what they wish when they watch the film. 

Perhaps the only thing I found distasteful is how it opens with audio footage from 9/11, you hear the harrowing words a woman says to a woman: “you’re doing fine, they’re coming to get you.” Followed by that same woman whispering “my god…”

It’s chilling to hear, as it kind of feels like you’re listening to some kind of ghost recording, it’s just really creepy… it’s got to do something to you unless your heart is carved out of stone.

The film very adeptly gathers sympathy here, but then it immediately goes to a rough interrogation, well torture would be the term you’re looking for… Waterboarding, heavy metal, sleep deprivation, naturally, all those lovely things are here.

But it actually later shows it’s inefficiency and that humane treatment in war establishes a much better way to obtain info. 

The man they torture for information at the beginning of the film is so worn out and so mentally shaken up, that even the threat “you lie, I hurt you” doesn’t make a difference, he can’t  possibly utter anything that even makes sense anymore. It’s only when they treat him humanely, when they talk to him as a person, that he opens up and tells them exactly what they want to hear. 

It wasn’t filmed in an explicit way (I’ve seen much worse) but I felt bad and uneasy, many people saw this as straight up propaganda for torturing, I found it rather raises the morally uncomfortable question of “does one evil justify another?” I found that the CIA agent in question took a little too much pleasure in it, and my conclusion of that character was “he’s a fucking sadist!”

But we later see that same man wants to get out of there because he can’t mentally take much more of the same. In Maya the female CIA agent played by Chastain who it’s all about, we also see an interesting evolution.

At the beginning of the film, she’s cowering in a corner, as a colleague performs the waterboarding technique. And she’s informed there’s no shame in watching from a monitor.

A smart moral wink; watching violence and making decisions of life and death is much easier from a screen, and the line of moral consciousness becomes somewhat thinner. Watching from a monitor would bring a distance and would make Maya feel like she’s not as directly involved. But she declines and holds out.

As she becomes more consumed in her mission of capturing and killing Bin Laden, so consumed that she doesn’t even give herself proper time to grief at the loss of her only friend; she merely briefly breaks down in her office.

She becomes more and more ruthless, perhaps as bad as the bad guy. She threatens her colleagues and doesn’t step out of the way of some, how do they so elegantly put it? “enhanced interrogation techniques”, that I think Freddy Krueger or Patrick Bateman would approve of.

But anyways that’s not the point here, the point is that it has transformed her, her obsession has climbed into her mind and her heart.

What it then illustrates is that war always leaves an impression on those involved; it damages and breaks a person sometimes irreparably, it’s capable of completely transforming a person’s character.

Maya has committed acts all in the name of the greater good and her country, that would break anyone and they do. In the final shot after she has tracked down Bin Laden and had him ordered killed she has finally achieved her big goal: the man, she hunted after so relentlessly that it consumed and tortured her mentally and physically is dead.

She gets on the military plane as the only passenger, the pilot asks her: “where do you want to go” in a few last heartbreaking moments, it’s both a plain and terrible question, she never answers because she doesn’t know or doesn’t like the answer to that question…

She finally reached her breaking point. And overwhelmed by stifling sorrow can only silently, uncontrollably sob… the pain, guilt and probably moral doubt are overwhelming.

It made me think of a Tolkien quote: “How do you go on when in your heart you begin to understand… there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep.” No matter that the consequences of what happened are ultimately good,  it has destroyed Maya as a person possibly forever, she’ll always be haunted and won’t ever fully recover, and her home no longer feels familiar; and she much less feels like a war hero.

It’s a primary example of Shell Shock: (Shellshock (also called bullet wind, soldier's heart, battle fatigue, and operational exhaustion) is a phrase coined in World War I to describe the type of PTSD many soldiers were afflicted with during the war (before PTSD itself was a term).  It is a reaction to the intensity of the bombardment and fighting that produced a helplessness appearing variously as panic and being scared, or flight, an inability to reason, sleep, walk or talk.)

‘Zero Dark Thirty’ also brilliantly explores how digital warfare allows for more distance as I mentioned earlier; Maya watches and orchestrates everything from behind a screen, she’s the master brain behind many of the soldier’s ultimate actions, she takes decisions of life and death on a whim of a second, at the push of a button and seems to feel absolutely nothing, a blank expression sits on her face...

It allows for a greater moral flexibility, it’s almost exactly like watching someone play or playing video games, only guess what? every single character is a real one, you kill actual people.

And the point that I found that ‘Zero Dark Thirty’ makes is that even if those people are “evil” and deserve to die, you are perhaps scooping to the same level at certain points, thus what it shows is that there is no black and white and ambiguity in war, it brings out the worst in people, blackens their hearts destroys them and haunts forevermore.

In the case of ‘Zero Dark Thirty,’ it breaks it’s heroine, even in her apparent victory there is no absolution, no rest. There is only a broken spirit and heart.

Maya is one person and she’s fictional but there’s been much more Maya’s throughout history, what it reflects is that there is a lot of hurts even in victory, that there are wounds left that shall not ever be healed.

According to some ‘Zero Dark Thirty’ glorifies the military, but unlike so many military films, it doesn’t show off military complexes and cool gadgets, it’s much more emotional than those as it showed how it destroyed one woman, it doesn’t make war into something beautiful or poetic.

It ultimately shows the senselessness of it all, after Bin Laden’s death, many people were joyous and celebrated. But in the film, while others are joyous Maya is left all alone and no one is by her side, she is not once asked if she wants to talk, because it’s assumed she can cope and is expected to as well.

While I find it an excellent film, ‘Zero Dark Thirty’ was not a pleasant watch for me, I felt as I said no sort of release at all, at its finale it simply showed how war can at times either take away or invoke humanity, depending on the circumstances.

But as it illustrates here the price some people pay is simply too great and no one ought to pay that price. ‘Zero Dark Thirty’ offers no further deep digs, the rest is a simple reconstruction of events.

It in my opinion neither defends, promotes or critiques war and that’s what was for some probably so frustrating and infuriating, there’s no big “look how great we did”, or “how awesome I am moment”, there is only an emptiness inside of a fleeting victory. 

The moment when the three bullets are chased through Bin Laden’s body - the three bullets engraved by immeasurable loss and sorrow, the excuse for an invasion war and billions of military charges - passes emotionlessly and almost unnoticeably. 

When a war ends and the world cheers and rejoices in the death of an enemy, Maya remains broken.

As we all know humans have a tendency to continue to wage war thus the same process is repeated and repeated and the same wounds inflicted time and time again and again! To quote Anne Frank: 

“Don’t believe the war is simply the work of politicians and capitalists. Oh no, the common man is every bit as guilty; otherwise, people and nations would have re- belled long ago! There’s a destructive urge in people, the urge to rage, murder and kill. And until all of humanity, without exception, undergoes a metamorphosis, wars will continue to be waged, and everything that has been carefully built up, cultivated and grown will be cut down and destroyed, only to start all over again!”

That heartbreaking knowledge is condensed in that one suffocatingly sad final shot, it gave me quite literally goosebumps, so emotionless ‘Zero Dark Thirty’?, I don’t think so…

I think brave, it dares to stare the war on terrorism, the horrors and the effects of war on people (even if it’s largely digital) and the fact that it can transform us,  straight in the face. The fact that it makes you uncomfortable, as it enters territory that’s morally confronting and can make one shift in their seat, I think is only proof of the fact that it’s a good film. ‘Zero Dark Thirty’ is a beautiful film (an aesthetic stunner, the lighting, and colours my god!) about an ugly, painful truth. 

There were characters I at times loathed and found disgusting even it’s protagonist at times, later I was filled with compassion and sadness for her. She’s one of the most complex film heroines (not even a heroine, she’s good, she’s bad, she’s hard, she’s compassionate and warm, she’s emotional, distant and closed off, weak and strong all at once, she’s simply a woman) I’ve ever encountered.

I both hated and loved the film, it gave me an even bigger repulsion of war than I already had, not too many films have done that, so I’m impressed, to say the least.

C.I.A. Director: Who are you? Maya: I'm the motherfucker that found this place. Sir.

“But in the end, everybody breaks.”

[13ceremonialskrp]

                              STEP LIGHTLY, CHILDREN OF THE MOON

THE COVEN WELCOMES THE 9:30PM CEREMONIAL, KIM EUNJONG, A 21 YEAR OLD BLUE RACER SNAKE FAMILIAR

idiosyncrasy

ambitious, determined, resourceful

stubborn, impulsive, volatile

proficiency

healing: the (rather strong, ironically unwitting) ability to regenerate a living being’s wounds, cuts, bruises, and general aches and pains. although she has no control over when and where it happens, direct contact with the affected area is necessary to initiate the healing process. brushing against her won’t do anything, nor will grabbing her and willing her magic to flow through you. she cannot strengthen or weaken the extent to which her powers affect someone else, she can only watch as her powers spring to life in response to another. infuriatingly so, when she can’t even trust them to respond to her, their master. this ability is considerably stronger whilst she is in snake form, but good luck convincing her to slither in any other direction than away.

gorgon effect: a piercing gaze, quiet, calculating. or so they say. it’s enough to turn anyone to proverbial stone. while those under her gaze do not literally freeze, there’s a pressure there, enough to make regular people squirm, or at least feel the weight of it. it’s worked in her favour in the past, captivating in the worst ways, conveying intensity, influence, power - it’s no coincidence that most dealings tend to end in her favour, should she want them to.

ineptitude

the complete and utter inability to control when she transforms. even years after the discovery of her powers, her transformations are still ruled by emotion, particularly those of fear, anger, anguish. they are almost always a result of a loss of control on her part, mentally and emotionally, when her heart might burst forth from her chest, when the tears springing behind her eyes might never stop should she let them fall. she lets fear and hatred rule over her. fear and hatred of herself. though she’s come to terms with being a changeling, that does not mean she accepts it. it’s this aversion to her true self that prevents her from gaining any control over her powers. although she is a child of transformation, she stagnates.

reconciling her dual nature, or the difficulty thereof. it’s difficult for her to adjust to being human again after having been in snake form, especially if in said form for lengthy periods of time. the transformation sends her stumbling, first and foremost, but also leaves her incredibly weak, requiring days to stand without trembling, as if learning how to walk all over again. she’s left squinting in the brightness of the sun, with air she cannot keep in her lungs, with a heartbeat that doesn’t fit in her body, with an unease in the only body she ever should’ve had.

sanctions

although she is a changeling, she views magic and humanity as two separate things, two states at war within her, and so that’s what they become. fear of her own nature allows it to rule over her, and so the more she tries to run from it, the more it instills its grip on her, fear morphing her magic into something darker, drawing power from the wrong places, the underworld.

she becomes more serpentine as the days go by, small changes such as slit-like pupils. but also in her traits, becoming more like the serpents of old, vindictive and venomous, entitled in their sacredness, their closeness to the divine. more subtly, more dangerously, this leaves her open, more susceptible to dark forces, evil in intent, eager for her mind and soul, should she not make a change.

memoirs

0. blearily between blades of grass, she sees moonlight.

the sky is dark and inky. starless. the moon a waning crescent. all indications of passing time, of time passed and yet, she doesn’t know how long it’s been.

how many days, weeks, months it’s been. all arbitrary words to someone, something like her.

all she knows is the hunger that grips at her core, writhing, twisting, begging her to move, to do something. instead she embraces the cold, the sluggish numbness, and coils her lithe body around itself again and again in the hopes that it will consume itself, should the elements fail to do so.

she doesn’t know how long it’s been, or how long it will be until the end.

all she knows is that she’s stopped counting.

1. it’s all rather anti-climactic, she thinks. the way her life had changed.

that’s enough, her father had said, voice even, gaze clouded, distant.

the witch shows no reaction, only leans backwards in her seat, drops her hands from the table. she speaks, carefully: what is?

her father waves his hand around. all of this. because clearly, he pauses to chuckle, this… this is all a mistake. we- we never should’ve invited your kind here. into our home.

the witch keeps her expression neutral. the room is silent save for the ticking of a clock, and eunjung sees her father tremble for the first time. she chances a glance at her mother: screwed away, tucked into the side of a chair, hands white for how hard they grip at the armrests. both of her parents are looking pointedly away from her, staring at anything but her.

looking back now, eunjung thinks that they really did love her. but it was the simple fact that doctors, slaves to empirical reasoning, could never accept, could never be forced to believe in something not meant to be true.

fathe-

don’t! don’t fucking call me that, eunjung i- her father flinches, startles in horror, moves his mouth around the bitter syllables of her name, knowing that what was once daughter was now…

get out.

the words are simple. enunciated quietly.

no one moves. her mother holds her breath, eyes shut tight even as tears slip down her cheeks.

GET OUT OF MY FUCKING HOUSE!

her father’s eyes are crazed, desperation rushes up and out of his lungs, reverberates around the room, bounces from the walls, all sharp edges, unpalatable fear-

eunjung feels like the room is spinning.

the witch stands and sweeps eunjung out of the house in one fluid movement, as though she’s seen the extent of what human fear can do. the door slams behind them. eunjung knows that her mother will not break down until they are sure that she’s long, long gone. the witch grabs her by the shoulders, says something. shakes her firmly.

it’s funny. she can’t even find it inside her to cry.

so she’s ushered into a car, led by the arm and shoved in. they drive. as they always do. they take the highway as they always do, they pass over the bridge as they always do, they stop at a red light as they always do and

she gets out and jumps.

2. she runs away when she’s 16.

or that’s what she wishes to be true.

she barely feels it when it happens. energy rushing through her, tingling at the tips of her fingers down to her toes

and then she sees dancing dust, particles in a pool of moonlight streaming onto the floor. the room is darker, sharper, and at the base of the mirror she sees a snake.

brilliant blue, deep, rich, beautiful.

she screams.

thrashes around in a frenzy, slithers and shakes as though trying to rid herself of her own skin until she’s lying in a heap of exhaustion, tucked into a corner underneath her bed. she weeps, coated in dust, and desperately wishes she had tears. a deep fear takes root in her, sends her heart beating so wildly she thinks it might just give out and die. other times, she merely stares into the mirror at whatever monster looks back at her. wills for it to change back back back until she launches herself at the mirror, bashing hard against cold glass but there’s only so much a young snake can do.

a sound freezes her movements and she’s diving back beneath her bed-frame, coiled and aching, more fearful of being found out than of anything else.

it goes on like this for weeks.

her parents pace in and out of her room, wondering, worrying. her mother weeps, sometimes sitting atop her bed. eunjung silently weeps alongside her, and wishes for nothing more than to give her mother some comfort. but creeping, cold scales will do nothing but stop her heart.

when it happens again, she barely feels it.

she doesn’t know how, she doesn’t know why, but when she changes back the first thing she does is heave the contents of her stomach onto the floor. when her parents later see her reappear deathly pale, grey, covered in snot and tears, they don’t ask questions.

they’re just glad she’s alive.

and somehow, so is she.

3.i. she should’ve known.

she should’ve known that it was merely a matter of time.

for as much as she tries, how can you hide the monster that lurks inside of you, pretend to be normal when you know you are changed.

for as much as she tries, she can’t stop it from happening again and again.

and when it does, there’s simply no time to hide.

3.ii. it was a stupid argument.

but at the time, she remembers screaming her lungs out, ripping her bloodied heart from her chest and bearing it for them, her parents, the only people in the world who were supposed to love her unconditionally.

she remembers them, unyielding. cold logic, steadfast against anything other than their truth.

she remembers it happening then, quick and unlike before, like a bolt of lightning jolting through her veins.

she remembers hissing at them, raising herself up to her full length to look them in the eye. she remembers their faces, twisted and frozen in terror, her mother moving to clutch at her father, the both of them stumbling away from her, mouths babbling, unable to find any words.

monster.

she remembers the slow horror, the realization of what she had done, and when her father fumbles for a letter opener on the table behind them, she remembers her mother wailing, incomprehensible sobs: wait!

somehow, they loved her even then.

she lives through the night. and the days after, until they bring a witch inside their home.

4. her mother’s idea, eunjung’s sure of.

where she heard the whispers of magic, eunjung has no idea, but she supposes she is grateful to her.

it’s the witch that takes her from her room, that forces her to change back, that brings her shuddering from the pain down the stairs to be sat in front of her parents.

the witch talks for some time. explaining in simple terms.

that’s enough, her father had said.

the witch shows no reaction, only leans backwards in her seat, drops her hands from the table. she speaks, carefully: what is?

everything, eunjung knows. we tried to speak of magic as though it isn’t a curse, as though that isn’t a monster that sits at our table with a devil holding the leash.

get out, he had said, in simple terms.

somehow, they loved her, even then.

but it wasn’t enough.

5. blearily between blades of grass, she sees moonlight.

the sky is dark and inky. starless. the moon a waning crescent. all indications of passing time, of time passed and yet, she doesn’t know how long it’s been.

when she hears the crunch of the ground next to her, she makes no move to escape. she merely wraps around herself even tighter, taut in her shivering, and resigns her fate to their will.

but a single touch is enough to ignite her nerves ablaze, alive as they’ve never been before. she feels an energy coursing through her, magic, as she’ll come to know, eager, brimming, receptive to the other’s touch and instantly, they know.

she doesn’t know how long it’s been since she’s been in another’s arms, but they’re so, so warm that it burns.

[eternalfarnham]

the girlfriend

[content warning: rape mention, torture mention, neither particularly graphic, but there; spoilers for Shadows of the Damned; serious effortpost]

Shadows of the Damned did something surprising -- not just in the general Suda51 sense, where aesthetic supersedes perception and it seems like pretty much whatever can happen, but in the sense that my ideas of narrative were genuinely kind of upended.

Rambo’zebub

As a narrative experience, Shadows of the Damned is so profoundly and archetypically a brutal Hollywood action flick that it craps copies of Die Hard. Our hero, Garcia Hotspur, is a hard-drinking, stone-cold demon hunter with a heavy demon-slaying weapon (who doubles as a funny British sidekick named Johnson, and also a vessel for “boner” jokes, Ha Ha Because He Is A Phallic Gun With A Skull On Get It), hunting after Fleming, the Devil himself, to retrieve his girl, Paula, whom Fleming kidnapped for a bride. 

Paula is heavily coded along the sacred-virgin/tainted-corpse image so common to action movies, where the villain’s attentions threaten to leave her defiled (drawing no distinction between the violation of the consummation of the profane marriage and death): every boss (typically anatomically improbable demons) kills her in the process of manifestation; she repeatedly dies by drowning, immolation, lobotomy/berserker rage (which turns her into a stage hazard), exploding... all while dressed in a white-as-the-driven-snow corset and lingerie. We can tell she’s still a virgin because she’s still wearing all white, you see. It’s simultaneously sexual and virginal: she’s the vulnerable ingenue, but also available to her boyfriend Garcia (and through him, the audience).

One More Dead Girlfriend

It almost becomes a formula: she begs to be saved, then is brutally executed. Garcia tries to save her every time, but we-the-player, at the controls, understand that there will be no actual opportunities to rescue Paula until after the final boss, because that’s how it works. There’s no mechanic to spare her from her fate, and so she becomes, essentially, a prop, SFX, someone who can die over and over with no emotional consequences because the game no longer assigns her death consequences. If Suda51 were a lesser director, I might even attribute this to a clumsy attempt to continually tug at our heartstrings. 

We as an audience are familiar with this trick: the devil shows the hero his girl dismembered, tortured and broken, or cooing the devil’s name and cursing her hero’s (this latter happens more or less literally in the red light district zone, where Garcia must run through toxic darkness as Paula gyrates sensually and mimes sex in the background), and the hero forges on, knowing that these are illusions and that his pure, untouched girl remains waiting in the Devil’s hands. It’s as classic an action-movie trope as “buddy dies against greater foe, rendering him unable to complete backstory” -- a trope so potent that Garcia gets a “buddy” halfway through the game just so he can die like that. (That section also nods to horror movie tropes in a really unsubtle way, and so, naturally, the guy is black.)

There’s a minor snag, in that Paula is heavily implied to be an amnesiac “Unbreakable Huntress” -- a demon hunter who fought her way through hell to kill Fleming... who beat her, severed all her limbs and took her as a mistress. But what I want to call to attention is that word unbreakable, which derives from the Huntress’s stubborn refusal to give up and die in Hell, despite the agonies heaped upon her. Mechanically, physically, Paula is unbreakable: there’s no way to save her and no consequences for her death, so we-the-players don’t feel like her torture means anything; she dies so many times that we-the-heroes, become numb to it, especially because the formula of “running away / ‘Help Me!’ / Garcia in pursuit / Oh Shit It Was Demons” seldom varies; and, of course, we-the-viewers know that the depredations of the Devil never break the hero’s girl, that her corset and lingerie will always be pure white.

Then we get to the Fleming boss fight.

The King of Hell

In a pre-battle cutscene, Fleming goads Garcia into firing on him, only to reveal Paula underneath his jacket. Where we were comfortable with Paula’s death before, the framing of this particular scene jars us out of that. Fleming’s trickery and Garcia’s shock indicate to us that this is the “real” Paula, as does the cutscene framing, which forces us to pay attention. Not only that, Paula’s injury this time is a gunshot wound -- all her prior deaths were appallingly, cartoonishly lethal, and destroyed the corpse, at that (getting gibbed as a demon popped out of her, buzzsaws, live burial, consumed by fish...), but now she’s just bleeding. And that blood stains her white vestments red. Only the most beautiful women look good in red, Fleming tells us. From here, we’re primed to care about Paula’s suffering again, and the gameplay backs it up -- in-battle, Fleming deploys Paula as a shield to soak up Garcia’s bullets.

That’s just the goddamn prelude, folks.

With Fleming dead, we get Paula back -- the real Paula -- and we’re poised on the heartwarming, the credits are rolling...

That’s when Paula attacks.

Garcia’s Angel

"Why didn't you help me? Why didn't you console me? If you truly loved me, why didn't you die with me? Why did you make me suffer, all alone? Why did you let me die each time? Why are the demons after me? Why must I suffer because of you? Where is my freedom!!"

“Paula, forgive me.”

“Never.”

She appears before Garcia in the form of an angel -- note that that’s his nickname for her, angel -- with six wings, a white dress and copper-red hair (which was previously blonde). And she lets him know that she did exactly what anyone would do if they were endlessly revived and slaughtered -- tortured, really -- for dating a demon hunter: she broke. She’s profoundly traumatized; she hates Garcia for not saving her from all those endless deaths when he was right there, and for not dying with her, and because the demons wouldn’t have made her life hell if she’d never met him. He begs her forgiveness, and she says “never.” And so Paula is our final boss -- Garcia clips her wings with his gun, hurling her into a pit of the Darkness which infests hell and devours human lives, then leaps in after her to comfort her before the end comes. And, let’s recall, he shot her -- that’s how she got dyed red in the first place. Garcia Hotspur’s girlfriend, Paula, was not an angel -- she’s a person.

Holy shit.

The promise of the action movie and the promise of Paula’s endless, incorruptible deaths -- that if we kill the Devil and rescue the girl, she will have remained pure for us -- was part of the action movie, but the action movie is over, the girlfriend has been rescued, there’s no one to kill, and the film is still rolling. Paula has refused, and revealed the fundamental instability of, the role of the virgin girl kidnapped by monsters whose pride bears up under the worst tortures -- that the expectation of incorruptible purity is an illusion on the part of an audience that can’t cope with or understand the person under the knife. She loathes Garcia, she wants him dead not for any utility (since Fleming is dead) but purely for revenge, and he has no vocabulary to address that, and neither do we, as the audience -- nothing but further violence! What’s more, the implication exists -- albeit ambiguously -- that Paula-as-Unbreakable Huntress finally managed to escape from hell, since Garcia found her unconscious in a Dumpster; as a demon hunter, Garcia is directly responsible for Paula’s recapture by the Devil, her subsequent torture, death, resurrection,  psychological splintering and ultimate demise at the hands of the darkness. All he can do is hold her as she dies.

You wanted gritty character action, EA? You wanted a rugged, manly hero who saves his fragile girlfriend from the King of all Demons? You got it, and you got the consequences, too.

Happy Days are Here Again

I don’t know if I think the epilogue actually happened.

a) How did Garcia and Paula survive? They’re together, eating dinner and planning a Cancun vacation like nothing ever happened. “We’re finally together,” says Paula, in jeans and a low-cut top. You were choking to death in the depths of hell, lady. We were all there.

b) It’s a “the adventure continues” scenario. A stinger for Shadows of the Damned 2. It’s an action movie staple, when we abandoned that particular way of thinking as Paula transformed. Everything is good... but suddenly there’s a legion of demons outside Garcia’s window and Fleming’s voice on his phone, promising that he will return to take back Paula, so Garcia delivers a final monologue, draws his gun and fades to black. Roll credits, audience cheers, everyone buys tickets to the next one.

I’d believe it was all a fantasy, the movie dreaming of a happier ending, if it weren’t for two things:

Do I Fight And Live? Or Do Those Monsters Get Me?

a) Paula’s transformation -- as the demons approach, she twists in agony (screaming “Garcia” and “No” in a way reminiscent of her hell-torture), her eye glows red, and she assumes a form distinct from her pure lingerie, her red-stained dress and her monster-angel getup. In this mode, she’s weirdly glossy, with hair like literal metallic gold, darker skin and a black dress, and she appears completely comatose -- or at least in the middle of a seizure. Garcia catches her and assumes the classic “hold your girl with one arm and your gun with the other” pose of the action hero, but she’s just lolling her head and staring into nothing. Something’s goddamn wrong -- she has all the taint of darkness, the powerlessness and loss of sanctity, but without the agency that her blood and dyed hair granted her. White-Lingerie Paula begged for Garcia’s aid, Red-Haired Paula rejected it, but Black-Dress Paula doesn’t even seem to have the capacity for speech. 

b) Garcia’s monologue, which I will reproduce in its entirety here.

“Fate has led me to fall in love with the Lord of the Underworld's mistress. His horde of minions will never stop coming to claim her. But I have sworn to strike them down, each and every one, until she is mine alone. I will take on the whole world if I must slay every creature in my path. Because I still see love in her eyes. And because I love... killing fucking demons."

There’s a lot to unpack here.

“His horde of minions will never stop coming to claim her” -- or else the franchise would end. Garcia delivers a one-liner after this little speech: “Sorry, Paula. Mexico will have to wait.” That’s a quip, not a consolation. He’s just admitted it will never happen -- and he can’t really stop Paula from suffering because the mere proximity of demons appears to have driven her into a fugue state from the pain. “I have sworn to strike them down... until she is mine alone. I will take on the whole world if I must slay every creature in my path.” Continual massacres, continual destruction of the demon species, war on an unkillable enemy... we can make as many movies as we need, right? This is an infinite battle. “I still see love in her eyes” -- She’s not looking at you, she’s unconscious. She’s limp in your arms. Hell, I’m not even completely sure she has more than one eye, at this point, and that one’s blood-red and demonic.

“And because I love...” Paula? The girl in your arms? “Killing fucking demons.”

Ah. This isn’t Paula’s happy ending.

Paula’s happy ending was down in that darkness at the bottom of Hell. There, she died to assert her own personhood, having seen her monstrous king/torturer blown to pieces for good, in the knowledge that she would never again be used for torture porn or to titillate strangers, and that she would die in the arms of someone who (for all his faults) genuinely loved her. No demons, no gameplay, no torture -- just silence.

This is Garcia’s happy ending, which is to say that it’s the audience’s happy ending: he gets to keep killing demons with his sick pistol forever, spawning innumerable sequels, for a Paula who cannot be hurt or fail to meet our expectation of being unbreakable because she is pre-broken, who exists as an emotional crutch for the narrative and a reason for Garcia’s one-man war on all demonkind. The demons got Paula, and she died down there in that darkness. But the movie goes on, dragging her corpse with it, and Garcia and Fleming were both resurrected to chase that promise of perfect virginity and perfect love, one to defile it and the other to have it stolen away, as an excuse to kill even more demons. Forever.

Roll credits.

[foxesinhenight]

the proper disposal of magickal trash

Re-using ritual items

Some ritual items are suitable for re-use, and others are less so. Never absolutists, we'll help you sort your magickal junk into "usually," "rarely" and "sometimes" re-usable.

Usually re-usable: Generally, stones, crystals and metal charms can be cleansed and re-activated for another purpose.  (Don't throw out that Quartz point--your little ritual was just a blip in its million-year existence!)  Your consecrated altar tools, obviously, are also fine to use again and again.  The exception is when an item is so tied in your mind to a particular working that using it in a future one would distract you.  (We'll cover the cleansing of ritual objects in a later post.)

Rarely re-usable: Most consumable organic matter belongs firmly in the "throw out" category.  Oils, herbs and food are considered to have passed all their energy to the present working, and are not usually recycled.  Ashes and paper rarely serve any useful purpose after the spellwork is complete.  Offerings to spirits or deities are never re-used under normal circumstances, as doing so might offer insult to the receiving entities.

Sometimes re-usable: The recycling of candles, spell bags, bottles, poppets, and so on is really up to the individual practitioner.  Conventional wisdom states that once dedicated to a certain purpose, these items are spent.  But many a thrifty old Witch has been known to melt down leftover candle wax, or re-baptize a voodoo doll (perhaps with a new hairdo). Ultimately, the answer to this question comes down to your gut, your budget and the rules of your personal practice.

Evaluate your trash

Once you've determined that it needs to go, it's time to take a good hard look at your garbage. Consider its size and content.  Is it biodegradable?  (And if so, how long would it take for it to decompose completely?) Could your trash harm someone--physically, emotionally, or psychically--if they were to run across it? The answers to these questions may rule out some methods and locations for disposal.

Obviously, some types of juju are easier to get rid of than others.  Water, herbs, ash (and the like) can usually be given to Nature--scattered or left respectfully outdoors.  Bone, cloth, wax, and plastic can stick around for months or years, and require a bit more effort to release. But if the remnants of your ritual are toxic, sharp, biohazardous, energetically icky, or personally identifying, take extra care.  You want this stuff banished permanently, where it won't come back to haunt you, literally or figuratively.

Near or far?

Finally, you may want to consider where, geographically speaking, you want your stuff to end up.  Witches who own real estate often prefer to keep magickal remnants on their own property--even building up a "spell graveyard" over time.  This anchors the energy in a familiar place and usually ensures that it won't fall into the hands of outsiders.

However, there are times when it may be more suitable to leave leftovers in a distant location. Say you did a working to excise an awful person permanently from your life, burning their photo and sealing the ashes in a bottle.  Would you really want that garbage in your backyard? Subconsciously, you might feel that part of that person was still lurking around. It would likely be much more satisfying to drive it to some godforsaken lot on the edge of town, and never go back there.

You may wish to take your sacred trash to a place connected with your Gods and ancestors, or that is significant to you in another way.  You may also not have a place at home to properly dispose of it. There are lots of options--just refrain from polluting or trespassing on private property.

Disposal by Earth

A tried-and-true method for sealing a working is to bury its components in the ground.  If you live in an urban environment and don't have access to open soil, a flowerbed or potted plant is the next best thing.  

Our wonderful Earth eventually absorbs and recycles everything--energy and matter.  A "dirt nap" is arguably the best method for anything that carries negative or erratic energy.  Earth is really the only proper way to dispose of stubborn or potentially hazardous materials.  Bury it and meditate on its transformation.  Graveyards are a traditional place to leave magickally charged trash--but get permission from the site's guardians first.  In gratitude for taking your rubbish, you may also want to leave a small token for presiding spirits and Fae.

If you can feel ley lines or geomantic energies, you'll find that placement of your garbage can make a subtle difference. In general, active spots will disperse concentrated energy more quickly, but can have other, unpredictable effects. Play with it!

So while we're on the topic of Earth...what's wrong with putting spell ingredients in the regular trash? If it winds up in a landfill, how is that any different, really, than burying it yourself? This is just the kind of marvelous, irreverent question that I love to be asked.

One of the tenets of my Pagan religion is that "there is no unsacred space."  So yes, the kitchen wastebasket is sacred, too! The problem arises when it is done without ritual.  Ritual creates focus, and focus is essential to magick.

Your subconscious recognizes an end to the working when you bury your items with ceremony, but glosses over it when you toss them out with your half-eaten hoagie and bus pass.  In your deep mind, it's not really over.  If you must dump your stuff in a regular trash can, take a moment to visualize yourself consigning it to the Earth, the same as you would if you were burying it with a shovel or spade.

Disposal by Air

The element of Air contributes a lot to magick--fresh ideas, wisdom, and adaptability.  But when it comes to clearing away the physical detritus of spellwork, Air just doesn't pull its weight.  It's best used for small amounts of ashes, salt and herbs.  Gather these up and scatter them, visualizing them blown to the corners of the world by the Four Winds. Clap your hands, wiggle your nose, and be done with it.

Disposal by Water

Water, especially deep or running water, is a wonderful way to release the pent-up energy in your ritual objects.  Sometimes gently, sometimes dramatically--water absorbs, transports and changes all that is given to it.  A water burial is especially suited to items used in the magick of transformation or healing. Moving water will carry an object far beyond its starting place, so it's also a place to cast symbols of your wishes and dreams.  (Weight anything that you want to stay submerged. Debris released to the sea may eventually wash ashore, so consider that, too.)

What about the toilet? asks the irreverent Witch.  Can't I just flush it down the potty?  Like the garbage can, using it offends some people's fanciful aesthetics. The toilet is just too mundane to be a "real" magickal tool.

Personally, I advocate the use of toilet water--especially for banishing magic. Hearing the "fwoosh" of the toilet is a powerful sensory trigger as you flush that "crap" out of your life!

Disposal by Fire

Fire is excellent for creating a very clean and permanent break with your ritual junk.  There is no retrieving or reconstructing items given to Fire.

A balefire (from the Old English word for "funeral fire") is a ritual fire prepared for the purpose of disposing of old mementos and ritual items.  Many Pagans elect to make a balefire annually at Samhain, either alone or with a group.  You can collect castoffs throughout the year, keep them in an energetically sealed box, and burn them all at once.  For added closure, bury the ashes once the fire has cooled.

As powerful as Fire is, there are always some caveats: Nothing plastic should be burned around people, ever, because of the fumes. (Same goes for polyester and nylon.) Items with trapped air (such as bottles) can burst if you're not careful.  Hair and horn are fine to burn, but smell nasty, so good ventilation is recommended.  Also, Fire disposal is not recommended for haunted, cursed, or "possessed" objects--or anything with really, really bad vibes. The sudden destruction by flame can cause this energy to be released and dispersed in a sudden and unpredictable way.  Cleanse the object properly and bury it instead.

Cleaning up is often the final step of magickal work, so it shouldn't be an afterthought.  The careful and reverent release of items that have served you will result in a strong conclusion to your magick.

source: https://www.groveandgrotto.com/blogs/articles/42338817-holy-crap-on-the-proper-disposal-of-magickal-trash