#as much as i doubt and deny the fact that i had a bad childhood.

[the-woild-is-y-erster]

don't ya'll love when your brother has the same trauma and trust issues you do and then treats you almost exactly like your parents, maybe worse sometimes

[shiraishi-kanade]

An Shiraishi is always trying to be someone else: a short and messy analysis on how Vivid Street (unintentionally) messed her up

You know, I kind of have my own issues with the "Wishing to the Blue Sky for Your Happiness!" event, but a lot of my criticism of it boiled down to "huh, it's kind of weird how they gave An this insecurity out of nowhere, she didn't struggle with being herself before. Seems to be a reach just so Shizuku could have a role."

But that was before the Vivid Old Tale, and boy I'll admit I was very wrong.

The relationship between An and Nagi are... Very interesting, to say the least.

But there's no doubt that An absolutely idolizes Nagi. Sure, there's been this line about An always wanting to he a musical like her father, but we also know that for the most part, it was Nagi who taught her to sing, as well as Nagi who acted as An's mentor figure in a more emotional way.

In a way, An won the lottery. She was born into a family that loves her, into a community thay loves her, and just so happened to be talented and passionate about something that community values most. However, that talent has left her little to no space to actually... See herself as someone outside of it.

Now, none of this is actually necessarily negative by default. Having high expectations to one's children isn't necessarily bad either; with the right approach, it can make them grow and want to grow. We've also seen this happen with Touya in his childhood, which us another neat parallel.

But, unlike Touya, An has been very comfortable in her role, precisely because of her talent and being able to reach the very high bar raised for her. That comfort just... never made her reach out to something other than the place and the future she was already familiar with, because she never needed to. She was Ken's daughter and she was talented and everyone in town loved her and she promised to be the better than her dad and everyone took her seriously. What else could she possibly need?

In a way, An had her dole cut out to her before she was even born.

And then there's Nagi.

Yes, Nagi is An's role model. But there's more to that than just An looking up to her.

More than just being taught by her, An actually picks up Nagi's mannerisms, forms or speech, and even moral values (pretty much the entire point of Vivid Old Tale).

An saw, too, how much Nagi meant for the people of Vivid Street. She wanted to mean as much for them, too; rather, she already did mean as much, but she needed to be someone to justify being loved. It's not necessarily a conscious thought process but more of a subtle one: if you notice your community loves some traits of you more than the others, or values some aspects of you more, you start to lean more and more into them in order to fit in and be accepted.

For An, those particular traits were being talented, being Ken's daughter, but also... Being very similar to Nagi.

Them acting "like sisters" has been highlighted over

and over

and over again, even by people unfamiliar with Nagi, well into An's teenage years.

And it's not exactly... A complete coincidence on everyone's part. At one point, Nagi openly states she wants An to be like her, to be able to see things from the same perspective. At least to some extent, some of the actions Nagi takes to make that happen are completely deliberate.

So An tries to be like Nagi. This is both a conscious effort on her part and something that just... Is sort of a hidden force that shapes her into who she is. If you watch Nagi and compare even the way she talks with people of the town to the more mature, somewhat-grown up but not quite there yet An we have today... There's so many similarities it's uncanny. An is still much more hot-headed and impulsive, but that caring, considerate side of her shines through even more than before.

An doesn't try to deny or hide that, too. In fact, she's actually pretty proud of it.

(Whether Ken lied to her to make her feel better or if that expression was just a reaction to being reminded of Nagi passing away & the masquerade that followed after that, we'll never know.)

But here's the kicker: there's so much of Nagi in An it's hard to pinpoint where Nagi-san's traits end and An's own personality begins, if it even does. Because of how early has everyone decided on An's future, and because An never did anything to even hint at wanting to do something different (which she didn't! Sometimes people want to continue their family's legacy and that's completely normal and fine - again, she just got really lucky, both with her talent and supportive surroundings), An subconsciously kind of accepted that being like Nagi is... Just who she is.

That comes with taking on Nagi's part in the community, too. In the same way Nagi took care of everyone in town by helping them out at events, so too, does An - just to a much lesser extent, by going out of her way to keep in touch with everyone, going to events, and helping at a cafe, too.

But An doesn't purposely mold or change her personality to be like her role model, too. This is important: An doesn't wear a mask because she doesn't need to. In her mind, she already is like Nagi, or at least, she's on track to be, without doing particularly anything different. Because they're just so similar they're so close and practically behave like sisters, and because An grew up singing in the town exactly like Nagi did, and because she loves the town just like Nagi did - what else could An possibly need to do except get better at singing and get more grown up?

You know, to reach that mature and down-to-earth side of Nagi that we often see in the past?

That side?

Yeah.

Now the Shizuan event's conflict isn't so out of place, is it?

But anyway, back to the point.

Because of Nagi wording things the way she does and because of people on Vivid Street making such a point of their similarities, An naturally assumed she would eventually become like Nagi. This is why, even aside from Kohane's improvement, aside An's abandonment issues, Kick It Up a Notch is a giant slap to the face for An, as well as her wake-up call.

Kohane taking on Nagi's mantle before An was able to, or potentially ever could, isn't just about singing - it's an attempt at An's entire sense of self, just as well as her place in the world, and on the smaller sense, her hometown, too.

Because if An is not Nagi, she doesn't belong.

Because An never knew how to do anything but sing. Because becoming like her family, like Nagi, was the only option she ever imagined for herself ever since she was a child.

And if An is not Nagi, then who the hell is she?

[this post was very much inspired by @the-one-that-weeps 's An analysis post, who kind of put this much more eloquently than I could! Go check them out.

All translated lines that aren't taken from the wiki transcripts are by lozybug on YouTube!]

[evellynssocbrainrot]

This is mostly to speak in defense of this post made by @starsandscars81

First of all, my intention isn’t to gatekeep anyone else’s take or opinion on this subject matter. If you think differently that’s completely fine. It’s none of my business. 

Anyway, on to the analysis.

Kaz and the Darkling are, without a doubt, two of the most flawed characters in the Grishaverse. They’ve both done bad things and certainly aren’t good people. Even so, I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: comparing Kaz to the Darkling is still… extreme. And just not it. By comparison, no matter how much awful stuff Kaz has done, it’s no joke that he is over a million times better than the Darkling. 

The Darkling definitely didn’t start off as an evil character, and all his intentions aren’t horrible either. His main motivation is to help the Grisha, his people who have faced years worth of discrimination. He worked hard and built the second army and the Little Palace, which became a kind of haven for Grisha to come together and exercise their gifts. And coming from someone who dislikes the Darkling, I can tell you now that that is wonderful. I’m glad that he’s doing his best and defending his people. That is great. But even then, you can’t deny that some of the things that the Darkling has done on that path are borderline disgusting. The first being massacring hundreds, if not thousands of innocent people. Even if he’s doing it for the sake of his people, killing so many people who are not at fault is not an act of a selfless hero, but pure villainy and cruelty. And what’s worse is that he did this several times. Not just once, and without second thought. Reminders that these innocent people included harmless children.

The rest of the horrible deeds he’s done all come down to his treatment of Alina Starkov (and a bit of Genya Safin, as well). Whether you like Darklina or not, never forget or sugarcoat the idea that he ABUSED her. He may have loved her, he may have understood her, but he hurt her. Over and over again. He lied to her and hid his true intentions. He placed a collar on her and touched her without consent. He stole her power and claimed her as if she was nothing but an object. He was possessive of her and emotionally tormented her even after she ran away. He killed the only mother figure she had and completely destroyed her childhood home. He was absolutely disgusting. There is nothing at all to forgive and redeem. He was already beyond redemption when he created the Fold. And once again, IT DOESN’T MATTER if he loved her. It doesn’t matter at all when he did nothing but hurt her to such extreme amounts and would have continued to if he ever won, or if Darklina actually became canon. 

And what makes the Darkling even worse is that he doesn’t regret any of it. This is where he truly can be labeled as a heartless and cruel monster. He doesn’t express so much as even a sliver of remorse over his inhuman behavior. He doesn’t feel bad. He doesn’t reflect on it or think about it. In fact, he still believes himself to be in the right. He doesn’t even realize how awful he is. Doesn’t show any sign of improving himself. I mourn the person he could have been. I mourn Aleksander Morozova. But I will never defend the person he is today. I will always believe that the death he was given was far too light and SHOULD have been worse. It’s what he deserves. 

He didn’t start evil, but he became evil. He had hundreds of years to rethink his actions but never did. He wanted to defend his people, but you don’t do that by expanding the Fold and causing further destruction. You don’t do that with pointless mass murder. He loved Alina, but you don’t express that by ruining her life. Once upon a time, he was a young hurt boy, but now he’s nothing but a revolting, monstrous and horrible psychopath.

With that said, now I’ll move on to Kaz.

He is not a good person. I’ll tell you that now. I’m not at all defending the bad things that he’s done. Neither am I ignoring his bad qualities. He is manipulative, cruel, and violent. When he freed Inej from the Menagerie, his intentions weren’t to save her, but to temporarily make use of her skills. I know this, and I’m not dismissing it.

But here are some things that set him apart from the Darkling.

The first being that almost everything Kaz does has reason. There is ALWAYS a reason. His rage is targeted at hyper-specific people. People who deserve it. He killed Oomen, but because he hurt Inej to the point that she nearly died. He dropped a man from a tower, but because that man blackmailed a Zemeni sex worker. He destroyed Van Eck and his empire, but because Van Eck was a bitch. He spent all his life trying to crush Pekka Rollins, and he did, but because Pekka ruined his life. “Kaz Brekker always had his reasons.” The Darkling had no reason to commit mass murder and hurt Alina. 

The second thing is boundaries. The Darkling didn’t have fucking boundaries. Kaz, on the other hand, no matter the amount of violence and destruction he commits, never crosses some lines. He never ever raped or sexually assaulted anyone, he never hurts innocent people, he never hurts children, and never actually spread firepox around the city of Ketterdam. 

The third being awareness. This is a big one. The Darkling, in his path of vengeance, hardly considers his environment, the people around him, who he should get mad at and who he shouldn’t. And even after the horrible deed is done, as I said before, there’s no remorse and regret. For Kaz it’s the opposite. He is hyper aware of where he is. Who he’s with. He’s careful and considerate. And for some of the horrible things he’s done, despite how understandable and trauma-inflicted they are, he regrets them. He feels bad. He knows he’s not a good person. He knows he is awful. He knows he isn’t worthy of Inej. When he was drowning in the waters of Fjerda, it wasn’t himself he was thinking of. It was his crew, Inej. He was worried for them. He blamed himself for the positions they were in and vowed that no matter what, he would save them. He would fix this mess. The same applies in the next book, when they were all trapped in the Geldrenner hotel. It’s himself Kaz blamed, nobody else. 

We don’t even need to tell Kaz that he’s awful. Because he already knows it and wholeheartedly believes it. And unlike so many other similar male characters in YA fiction, Kaz desperately wished that he could change. Perhaps he doesn’t say this openly, but you know deep down that he doesn’t want to be this way. He doesn’t want this life or the trauma. 

Speaking of the trauma, so much of what Kaz does is because of it. Does it excuse his behavior? Certainly not. But it does help with understanding why. And even now, the consequences he suffers from the trauma are bad, but still don’t excuse what he does. Kaz himself thinks so. 

Kaz was a boy who was hurt, like the Darkling was. He lost someone important, like the Darkling did. But the way he responded to that was immensely different. Even the desire for money is understandable when you realize that the lack of it was what made him and his brother end up on the streets. And the money he got, he literally spent a large portion of it to buy Inej a ship and remake the Emerald Palace into the Silver Six. And before that, he gave up the last of it he had left to pay off Inej’s contract.

AND, speaking of Inej. Only someone extremely stupid would say that the way he treats her is the same as the way the Darkling treats Alina. The dynamic is messy and flawed, but they are young. It’s understandable if they fail from time to time. But overall, Kaz respects Inej. He adores Inej. He’s devoted to Inej. He’s loyal to Inej. He wouldn’t betray or abandon her for all the gold in the world. He’s protective of her, but not possessive. When he sees other people get close to her, he’s jealous. But not because he wants to keep Inej to himself, but because he wants to be able to get close to her like that as well. He realizes the wrong ways he treats her, and then proceeds to claim that he isn’t so bad that he can’t pull himself together for her. He spends a good portion of Crooked Kingdom going out of his way to make up for his behavior and it shows. It doesn’t make him any better a person, but it does make him a far better lover. A worthy book boyfriend <333.

Outside of Inej, you can see how much he cares about his crew. He protects them, he the Parem from Nina, he refuses to give it to Jesper, he gives Wylan advice like a big brother, he gave them all time to rest and recharge in the Geldrenner hotel while dragging his aching body all the way to the Slat to gather more people for his plan. He gave his crew every single resource he had left and even then, contributed alongside them when putting his plan to action. The Slat and the Dregs themselves have become a safe space for young people who don’t have a family or a place to go. He may be selfish with the world, but with them he’s nothing but the most selfless person to ever exist. 

The list is endless, honestly, but this is why it doesn't make any sense to compare Kaz to the Darkling. If I were in a life and death situation, and I was forced to put my trust in one person, Kaz or the Darkling, I would choose Kaz in a heartbeat.

Damn, this took way too long.

[margotw10bis]

Pretty Baby. KNJ [m]

sugardaddy!namjoon x sugarbaby!reader

Genre: smut; short-story

Words: 2.2k

Synopsis: Namjoon is your sugar daddy. However, you can't deny how your heart is jumping in your chest when he calls you his "pretty baby"… But when did it all begin?

Warnings: rough sex; unprotected sex; oral sex (f. receiving); Namjoon is huge 😳; he loves ass; use of "daddy"

1 → 2 → 3 (Bonus : Memories ; Doubts & Possibilities)

This part takes place before chapter 1.

Namjoon has always thought your first encounter was that night at a bar when he asked you to be his sugar baby. Little did he know there was, in fact, an unofficial encounter, several months before that.

It was at Incheon Airport, while you were waiting to pick Jimin up after a trip with his childhood friend Jungkook. You were actually grumpy when you saw that his plane had 20 minutes delay. But all of that went forgotten when you heard some sobbing nearby. You looked all around you and noticed a little boy, maybe three or four years old. He was crying but he was all alone. You frowned and was ready to walk to him when a tall, brawny and blond hair man kneeled down in front of the boy.

You stepped closer, ready to jump in if the man had bad intentions. However, you heard him talking with the sweetest tone possible despite his deep voice.

"Are you lost?" The man asked

The boy nodded, crying louder. Your heart broke a little to witness him this sad and scared.

"Don't worry, I'm gonna help you. I promise I gonna find your parents" His savior said, putting a reassuring hand on the boy's shoulder

His palm was so big on the small child's body that you wondered if the man has ever been a child before. His aura was nothing but goodness and the way the little boy stopped crying proved you right. The stranger, of whom you could see the face now, was the most handsome man you've ever seen. His eyes, which you surely thought could be very intimidating in other situations, were so pretty in their brown shade. His lips were pulp and the cute dimples on his cheeks when he smiled were like a Cupid's arrow entering your heart. Was that love at first sight?

The man asked the boy for his name.

"Seo-joon" He answered with a hiccup

"Let me see your bag, maybe there is your parents number"

You could totally see that the man was trying to be as delicate as possible and it made you giggle by the sweetness. He was definitely daddy material — only if you knew how much...

The backpack of the little child had, indeed, a tag with his parents' information. The man dialed the number and a panicked voice answered the call.

"Hello, I'm with your son. Don't worry, he is okay. We are in the arrival hall, near the information panels"

Seo-joon's parents arrived quickly after that, running to their son. They were crying and thanking the stranger at the same time. An embarrassed smile grew on the man's face. You wanted to talk to him but he walked away before you could do it.

You had been thinking about him for months but what could you do? You knew nothing about him, not even his name. But luck was on your side since Jimin, without knowing it, gave you the opportunity to see the man again when he literally dragged your ass to a luxurious bar. At first, you didn't want to go but your best friend insisted so much that you gave up.

You were sitting at the bar, waiting for your drinks when a man sat down next to you. When you turned your head and saw the stranger from the airport, your heart stopped and your throat went dry. He was even more handsome than from your memories.

He introduced himself and you did the same. Namjoon started to flirt with and you flirted back. But you surely didn't imagine what he would say next:

"Look, I'm going to be honest. You're very pretty but I'm not looking for a girlfriend" You remember that your heart broke a little when he said that "But, if you're okay if it, we can have a different kind of relationship"

"What kind?" You asked, completely dumbfounded

"A sugar daddy/baby one" Namjoon answered, looking straight into your eyes

What?! You had never, in your entire life, thought about having a sugar daddy. You didn't even need the money, your current job was paying you enough. And Namjoon wasn't so much older, even though he was 35 and you were 24.

You just asked him why and he was honest enough to tell you that he didn't have time for more and that you wouldn't be the only one. You thought about it for a few minutes and then you realized that seeing him again was fate and that you couldn't miss the chance. You wanted to be with him the very first minute you saw him. If you had to be his sugar baby for that, then a sugar baby you would be. You accepted, not caring about the ridiculous amount of money he offered you. You didn't need the money but you wanted the man.

After that, you spent the night — a very hot night during which you realized how much of a beast Namjoon was in bed — with him in a hotel room. A few days later, he texted you an address. He didn't say what you would do there and you didn't question. You just went to the rendezvous.

You were quite surprised to stand in front of a luxurious block apartment in one of the most expensive districts of Seoul. At first, you thought it was Namjoon's place and you were very curious to see how his flat was, to see if he had photos of him, his family and his friends. But when Namjoon joined you and opened the door of one of the apartments, you were more than surprised to meet an empty one.

The place was huge and the windows provided an amazing view on Seoul, but there was no furniture at all.

"Do you like it?" Namjoon asked you

"The view is beautiful" You managed to say, not knowing where he wanted to go with his question

"Good. It's yours, baby"

You gasped and looked at Namjoon with wide open eyes. In the other hand, Namjoon was pleased by your reaction and he walked closer to kiss you deeply. His hands quickly found your ass and he pressed your body against his. You were small in his arms. You knew Namjoon was very strong and he could break you very easily but instead of being scared of it, you just felt good in his embrace. You felt protected and you wished you could never leave it.

It didn't take long for Namjoon to lead to the kitchen island. He grabbed your thighs to make you sit on it and started kissing your neck. Your fingers were in his soft hair and your legs circled his waist, trying to pull him deeper into your skin. You felt his hand slowly going down to capture your tit in order to massage it. Your head rolled back at the pleasure of it. He took off your top and bra in no time to finally get to see your pretty boobs. He smirked when he noticed your already hard nipples.

He dived into it, sucking and rolling his tongue around it. Soft moans left your mouth and your pussy became wetter and wetter. Fuck, he was good. You whimpered when he bit on one of your nipples but an instant pleasure chased the pain. You loved how rough he was. You kind of got the clue that the rougher he was, the more he cared. So you did want him to be harsh with you.

Namjoon pushed your chest down so you could lie on your back. The material of the kitchen island was so cold against your burning skin that it made your shiver. Namjoon took some seconds to admire how beautiful you were and then made sure to completely undress you. Your naked body entirely at his disposal was the best thing ever for him.

"My pretty baby" He whispered before taking a big licking of your wet pussy

You jolted and moaned of how good it was to feel his tongue on you. He was eating your pussy so good that you couldn't think straight. Namjoon loved to see how your body reacted when he was touching you and he made it as his mission to make you cum as much as he could. He entered you with one of his long digits. He knew your tight pussy wasn't used enough to his big cock for penetrating you directly. He was pumping you, covering his finger with your juices. When the sliding was smooth enough, he added another finger.

"It feels good, daddy" You moaned with red cheeks — calling him daddy was very new to you at the time

"Your pussy is so tight, I love it. Let's find out if you can take another one" He teased before entering you with a third digit

Fuck, he was stretching you so good that you gasped. Namjoon curled his fingers inside your pussy to hit your g-spot, making you lose your sanity. His tongue was keeping its devilish pattern on your clit and you could feel your orgasm slowly building inside your stomach. Namjoon smirked when your walls got tighter around his fingers. He sped up his pace, just to push you closer to the edge.

"Cum on my fingers. Come on, baby"

His raspy voice against your pussy was a real sin and it was enough for you to go to the other side. You cummed hard on his fingers, screaming his name despite your heavy breathe.

Namjoon stood up to kiss you, your arousal still tasted on his tongue. You were slowly coming back to Earth while Namjoon used the hand that was in your pussy to lube his big cock. You didn't even notice him taking off his clothes. You opened your eyes to awe his buff body. His biceps and abs were flexing as he was pumping himself. He was so damn hot that you had to bite your lower lip to prevent a moan at his sight.

"Open your legs for daddy" Namjoon orders and fuck, you could feel your pussy dripping

You hold your thighs to give as much room for Namjoon as you could and he guided his fat dick to your entrance. The tip was teasing you and you couldn't wait to feel him inside you. You shuddered when the teasing was longer than you thought it would be.

"Beg for it"

Namjoon loved hearing how desperate you were for his cock. It boosted his already huge ego and you didn't mind making it bigger. Namjoon was, in fact, the man you loved and you could do whatever he wanted to make him happy.

"Please, daddy, I need your cock" You begged, making Namjoon satisfied

"Good girl" He praises as he gently entered you

Fuck, he was so big, it was almost painful. When he was fully in you, Namjoon pushed your knees against your chest to open you wider. It made your cunt clench and Namjoon growl. He started pounding you hard and deep. That was no doubt he knew what he was doing. Never a man had fucked you this good and the pleasure was enhanced by this huge size.

Sounds of skins clapping were echoing in the empty apartment like the sweetest melody ever. Your boobs, bouncing in rhythm with Namjoon's dick strokes, appealed him and he bent over to suck on your nipples. You groaned, feeling overwhelmed by all the sensations on your body.

"Fucking big" You choked up, making Namjoon giggle

"Fucking tight" He replied playfully

Your pretty face was torn by pleasure which spurred him to fuck rougher, if it was even possible. You looked so precious like that. His pretty baby.

You felt your second orgasm near so you grabbed Namjoon's hair to kiss him messily. Moans from both sides were mixing between your lips.

"Faster, daddy" You begged, completely delirious

Namjoon did it and you reached your high — again — in no time. You thought that he would slow down but it surely wasn't his intention. He, instead, put one of his warm palms around your neck and the other one on your clit. It was like Namjoon wanted to never end your orgasm but it was too much for you. Your eyes filled with tears and your mouth opened, no sound able to come from your shaking body.

"Look at you" He smirked "So fucked up. Tell daddy how much you love his cock"

"I fucking love your cock!" You screamed

"You're so fucking pretty"

Namjoon pounded a couple of times more before pulling abruptly out of your pussy and jerk him off to paint your stomach with his hot and thick white seed. He took a few seconds to admire his art piece but he didn't wait long before picking it up with his index and middle finger. He brought them up to your mouth.

"Open" He ordered and pushed his digits inside your mouth

You could taste his salty cum on your tongue as you rolled it around his fingers to clean them up.

"Good fucking girl" He praised

He kissed you so gently after that that it surprised you. You didn't think Namjoon could be so caring after fucking you so roughly. But it'd soon be your favourite thing about him. He hugged you tight despite your sticky tummy and his sweaty body — you both didn't care at all about it.

"How about a hot bath?" He offered you with a very sweet voice

You were definitely in love with the man. 

Memories → Next

Taglist @gimeow @whoreseok723 @wecanpretendit @missbangtangirl @dprmoon @baechugff @parkinglot-nights @nikkinik485 @hoseokteardrop

[judesmoonbeauty]

Spoilers for the AU story! This is just speculation but in the AUs, Jude is always Kate's childhood friend and there's a promise involved. We don't know yet if that's an AU exclusive gimmick, but for the sake of this question let's assume it's foreshadowing -- do you think Jude recognizes Kate? Is there any evidence to believe Jude knows who Kate is? Maybe he's so impatient with her because it hurts she doesn't recognize him back? Or maybe he doesn't recognize her because too much time has passed and she looks different all grown up?

Hi Anon! Thanks for the ask, for the sake of foreshadowing, yes, I do think there is a high probability that they've encountered each other as children with a promise made between them.

Further detailed theories and explanation below the cut due to mild future event spoilers for EN.

Jude: “I don’t remember things that happened a long time ago.” - excerpt from DARK IF

While it is a mentioned in both “Dark IF” and “Guard IF, ” they shared an exchange between each other as kids, it doesn’t say they were childhood friends. To me, that encompasses a established relationship developed over time. So, while I do think it will be mentioned in his route that they had an encounter with each other as kids, I don’t think it’s a full-blown childhood friends trope per se. (I could be very wrong though.)

I am hoping that if they met each other, it’ll be mentioned in episode 0 as a flashback.

Now, in both IF stories, their encounters include a promise. In Dark IF, it was to cure her illness, even if it meant death. In Guard IF, she promised to reunite with Jazza-kun. Two very different promises made.

We could brain rot a ton of ideas of what that promise could be for the main story, (if it goes that route), but for the sake of time I’ll only talk about a couple.

I think it could be a similar instance to Dark IF, where Kate helps little Jude out of a tough situation. Kate as you know often gets scolded by Jude when she puts yourself into scenarios that could potentially get her hurt, or worse (I’m thinking about the maid event and villain’s night in particular.)

So, I can see the following scenario happening: Little Kate is walking down the street, she sees a little bruised up Jude being chased by bad guys, she hides him, and they make a promise to meet again one day. Time passes by, and Kate forgets her promise over time, and/or simply doesn’t recognize grown Jude (which would be hard to do imo because his hair is so distinct…unless he wore a hat or hood when they met). Perhaps, after they meet she feels like he is familiar and later on, she remembers him.

In terms of Jude, he is spiteful, vindictive and vengeful as we know. So, I doubt he wouldn’t remember the promise like he says in the above in Dark IF excerpt. He may not recognize Kate right a way, but I think he remembers his promise to the little girl. That seems to be what happened in Guard IF. A grudge holder like Jude who values promises not being broken wouldn’t forget (that’s my take on it.)

However, I do think it’s also a possibility that he does remember Kate from childhood, and treats her like crap for either not remembering him, and/or not keeping her promise. Maybe both?? In fact, Kate mentions something similar in Dark IF to Jude before he denies it saying he doesn't remember the past.

Additionally, in Guard IF, after Kate explains why she can't leak information to him, he does remember her, and he keeps her in prison (for what I feel is a protection for her, since she can't return to her homeland without receiving a death sentence.)

Perhaps, his promise as a little boy could’ve hinged on something similar as his promises to keep her safe in these stories, such as: you protected me, so I’ll protect you if anything bad ever happens. A few years pass, and now Kate has a death sentence on her head from Crown. So, Jude steps in to keep her safe.

......Or not because he doesn't want to be bothered with it, but that can be saved for another post.

Of course, this is all just conjecture based on crumbs.

[merrivia]

I feel like one of the things I enjoy most about the Captive Prince trilogy is where you really glimpse the hidden complexity of the books, those flashes of the engineering under the bonnet which Pacat only allows us glimpses of, here and there. There’s so many moments like that, but I feel like the idea of Auguste as a protector and Laurent’s hero-worship of his brother, has particularly stuck with me and made me want to delve into it more today.

We know Auguste is quite a bit older than Laurent; Laurent was 13, and Auguste 25, when he died at Marlas (Pacat loves her doubling and mirroring; it’s no coincidence to Laurent’s developing feelings for him, that Damen is a mirror image of Auguste in many ways, and symbolically 25 at the start of Captive Prince, like a dark resurrection, living the life Auguste should have had in Laurent’s eyes). We know that Auguste is a doting older brother; allowing Laurent to win against him when they horse raced, that they had brotherly discussions over sexuality and relationships, August giving Laurent advice (sweetly, we can assume Auguste also gave him The Talk, and that Laurent no doubt explained primly that thank you but he had already read all about That). We know that Laurent idolised Auguste, and that it was common knowledge that the two were “devoted” to each other. Even in the mind of the reader, Auguste seems special and golden; we know so little about him, and yet we love him too, especially for how much he loved Laurent. We know that tragically, Damen’s killing of Auguste, metaphorically killed Laurent also- his heart broken by the loss of Auguste compounded with the killing off of his childhood, all of his innocence, and the locking away of all the softer sides of himself, as he is abused and manipulated by his uncle.

I think a particularly heartbreaking part of it all is the rumour of Laurent having unnatural feelings for his brother.

Obviously, the source of this was the Regent, and it goes without saying that the Regent’s corruption is so malignant, that he invented this rumour to take the cleanest, purest love in Laurent’s life and turn it into something disgusting, to undermine Laurent psychologically, to disrupt his grieving process and to manipulate the political landscape. As soon as that rumour was floated, whenever it was, to grieve too much too openly, to try to honour his brother’s memory in any public way, would feed into the rumours of incest (and I am sure the Regent liked the neatly villainous irony of the fact that it is he who had the incestuous desires, and he gets to displace that onto the innocent Laurent). That’s perhaps one of the reasons why Laurent’s grief turns into such rage; firstly, there is the loss, secondly, his grief is manipulated into sexual abuse but thirdly, he was never allowed to openly grieve as he would have liked. Like a wound that festers, Laurent cannot heal as a consequence.

The really tragic thing here is that the Regent got to have Auguste; he took him so completely away from Laurent, that even in death, Laurent was denied his brotherly relationship to him, to completely and utterly emotionally isolate him. The Regent in doing so, got complete control- he could subtly destabilise any hold the memory of Auguste had over the Council and court which would transfer to Laurent, and instead cleave himself to the image of Auguste. He became the only one who gets to mention the perfect golden prince, weaponising him against Laurent, using him to highlight Laurent’s shortcomings, and his own strengths. 

And poor, poor Laurent is just not completely isolated in general, which is bad enough- he also has no-one to even talk to about his brother, it seems (especially someone who he can confide in, who might be the same or similar rank as him, which is what he needs). Even before the incest rumours, that would be a fine piece of manipulation against Laurent- boys are weak and grieve and need to talk about how they feel, where men are strong and keep hold of their emotions. And so any sign of his grieving too much, would weaken Laurent further politically. The only thing that he has then, is revenge. Revenge is his grief. I think in a way, one of the reasons why Laurent could never quite beat his uncle at his own game, was not just because he always underestimated how evil he was, but also how he was always split in two- to revenge himself on Damianos is his only way of holding onto the memory of Auguste, and yet he also needs to beat his uncle, which divided his goals. Yet I also think his rage sustained him, gave him a goal to keep living, to keep training his body hard, when he must have felt so worn out and afraid and helpless against the power of The Regent. In a way, Damen has always kept Laurent alive, whether as a shadowy figure of hate that motivated him, or as a warrior guardian, powerful enough to throw a two handed sword and impale a fellow Akielon to save him or, finally, as the man who loves him and will kill to protect him.

So Laurent’s mother died, and his father paid no real attention to him, and it is clear in the novels, that Auguste’s presence was the one barrier that stood between him and the Regent. Who guarded Laurent’s bedroom door? The Prince’s Guard under Auguste? At first I wondered whether Laurent noticed his uncle’s attentions previous to Marlas; whether in subtle ways, he went to his brother for protection. But that doesn’t fit with the phrasing Laurent uses about himself as a young teenager (”think of the greenest innocent you have ever tumbled”). Incidentally, it is heartbreaking that he cannot see the idea of a youthful boy and/or himself at that age unless it’s on sexual terms; it is a reminder of how to be young for Laurent means to be sexually exploited and how the abuse traumatised him, took away his childhood, and shaped him into this razor-sharp blade of a man in the form of a beautiful prince (it also shows how insidious it is that the Regent keeps calling him a boy, to try and reduce him over and over to the abused child he controlled). So I don’t think Laurent did see it; was too young to see it. In fact, I don’t think Laurent saw what was going to happen, until the first time he was forced onto his knees by the Regent. But I wonder whether Auguste did.

Laurent does mention that Auguste is like Damen-  as Laurent says ”“He had no instinct for deception; it meant he couldn’t recognise it in other people.”. But as I have discussed before, being an honourable warrior doesn’t mean you’re stupid, and the sexual proclivities of the Veretians doesn’t quite fall into the same category as political machinations to me. Even Laurent can recognise that yes, his uncle is a paedophile, a predator, but he can’t seem to believe that the Regent would kill his own brother or kill him till there is stark evidence to prove it. It stands to reason then that Auguste may have never thought the Regent would do as he did, but that he could see the signs of his prurient interest in Laurent. 

This also might tie into Laurent being so beautiful, and how Veretian beauty standards glorify young males (from pre-pubescent onwards). He tells Damen that he has been the recipient of offers for “as long as he could remember”- a highly disturbing statement, which suggests as a minor, Laurent was sexually propositioned over and over. Auguste must have stood in the way of that, silenced the mouths of any man who dared speak about his brother like that. Perhaps just knowing that Auguste would cut the hand off of the man who touched his brother was enough to keep Laurent safe. Did Auguste actually explicitly stop the Regent abusing him, though?

If the Regent’s victims start as young as 11, then that was a few years of sexual interest he may have had in Laurent, which Auguste may have thwarted. And just like Damen wouldn’t hear of a word against Kastor, I wonder whether Auguste knew his father wouldn’t hear a word against the Regent- after all, Aleron trusted his brother’s word so much, he marched his army on to the field at Marlas instead of keeping to the security of his fortress, a tactic that made no sense and led to his assassination. We only see the court of Vere as the Regent’s court too- was he ever so open about his child pets before the death of Aleron? We know he had them, as Paschal was the Regent’s physician and tended to them (and the medical attention they might need to their too-young bodies is another layer of quiet horror), so perhaps we can assume that it was something that everyone knew about, but simply turned a blind eye to. 

My feelings are it could be either way- Auguste may have seen the Regent’s paedophilia and kept him away from Laurent instinctively, or he may have seen him openly display sexual interest and thwarted him deliberately, or he may have simply stood in the way of anyone who tried to get to Laurent and the Regent steered clear as a consequence. We will obviously never get a clear answer on this, so I think what’s more important is simply that Auguste was a barrier and how that feeds into Laurent’s beliefs. The reader can imagine that Auguste would perhaps never have said anything too openly to him about such things (beyond advice...I can picture him sternly telling Laurent to never go anywhere alone with an older man at court or to tell him if anyone said anything inappropriate him or tried to touch him), but Laurent can see that no-one dared harass him before Auguste’s death and then after...well. Abuse at night, we assume, and at Chastillon, and any number of attempts at ‘seductions’ in the day. All Laurent knows is that the abuse wouldn’t have happened had Damen not killed his brother, so in his mind, Auguste as the shining golden protector-hero is so sacrosanct that he cannot, even after all this time, truly believe or accept that Damen beat him. It’s why, when they fight in King’s Rising, Laurent says the “ludicrous” words that Auguste would have “stopped” Damen, when we all know he didn’t (yes there is the argument that 19 year old Damen had not been fighting for hours, was fresh from the sidelines, and that played into his victory, but the point is moot...). Laurent knows what he’s saying is absurd, but Auguste is perhaps semi-mythical to him at this point, this lodestar of an ideal to live up to, the ultimate white knight, brightly alive still in his mind, who would/could/should have saved him.

The Regent’s plan to kill his brother, King Aleron, must have included a secondary plan to kill Auguste, as an obstacle to the throne, even though we don’t know what that was. Damen coming along to kill him, neatly did this for him. I wonder if it added another layer to the victory over his brother and nephew killed, to finally have access to Laurent at, horrifyingly, just the right time, less than a year before true puberty would hit and the Regent’s sexual desire in him would fade. Very little of the inner life of The Regent is revealed to us, everything being layer upon layer of machinations, facade after facade, to hide his utter cruelty, but you do wonder whether this abuse of Laurent made him feel particularly gleeful. Or whether it was simply to kill two birds with one stone- to get a man (boy) underneath you is the ultimate power play, and thus the Regents gets to both enjoy Laurent’s beauty sexually, and set up a dynamic which will ruin Laurent in the present and future and allow the Regent to have a power over him that fits in very nicely to him getting the throne. It is breathtakingly cruel I think, that the ruination of Laurent on a personal level was probably secondary, a mere byproduct of a wider plan.

One of the beautiful things about Damen and Laurent’s relationship is he can talk about Auguste again, even with the memory of his death at Damen’s hands casting a long shadow between them. Laurent does this naturally, almost unthinkingly, before he even admits to himself that they’re in love. I think the reason why is Damen’s sense of morality, his pure, uprightness. As he awkwardly says in response to Laurent trying to make clear that what Govart said was a lie, he never believed that to be true. This is a man to whom incest is unfathomable, where there is no suspicion, no cynicism, no reading into Laurent’s words to try and find the incest that isn’t there because there is no smoke without fire. Laurent finally can talk about how much he loved his brother, without being dragged in the mud for it, restoring it back, openly, in words spoken out loud, to the purity it had.

[shingansoul]

His Living Legacy (Trigun fanfic)

Summary:

The drive to the last human city left standing had been a mostly quiet one before they were found by Brad. Mostly. But after everything December, there was no way their ride would be in silence, not when the loss of more than simply a life hung between two men (and an alter) in the silence of their journey to the end.

To read on AO3, follow the link below. To read here, continue past the read more!

“I can’t lose you, Livio. I can't bear to lose any more of him than I already have. I won’t let any more of what he fought for be scattered to the sands of this planet…Call it selfish if you’d like.”

Livio gaped, shocked into silence with eyes wide and hands shaking in their outstretched position. He had made to grab for Vash’s shoulder when he questioned him, having just wanted to double check if the man his ‘brother’ had been with for so long was sure he wanted Livio to follow him. After all, he had been what had brought Nicholas to his death, he had been the one to push him beyond the limits he should have and endangered their orphanage for the sake of a man he had seen as loving when it had been simply mistaken investment. Sure, Razzlo had been the one to do most of the fighting and who had initially brought them to the eye in the first place, but that was all for his sake. 

He wanted nothing more than to be with him, with someone, and to not be left to sit here and rethink his entire life in a dying world in the remains of his childhood home next to the grave of one of the only ones who had ever truly loved him. He wasn’t sure he trusted himself to truly consider what that would leave him to, and yet he couldn't stop himself from asking anyway. He had seen and heard how this man was with Nicholas, had heard his cry and his outburst he had mistaken for thunder clapping. He had seen the tear stain dried to his cheeks and the utter dead stare he was given across the table just earlier, unblemished skin pink and swollen beneath his eyes and exhaustion set in malnourished cheeks. This man should want him dead, and yet here he was telling him to keep strength to fight for Nicholas’ sake and the world’s and to come along with him, it felt too much to be true.

Despite all that, he still was surprised at the response he was given. Whether in the words themselves or in the fact he was not denied, he couldn't tell. He stood there, rooted in place as Vash swiftly moved out the door of the little building they’d taken up to eat and rest. For once, he didn't feel the need to race after the man he was now choosing to latch himself to, confident with the other’s convictions that he would not be left behind. Even Razzlo had kept quiet, not voicing any particular warnings or doubts.

‘I made a bad call, a couple bad calls that cost us a fucking lot. If you trust him and he means what he says you think, then you decide what we do. You gotta stand up and pick a direction to go in now that everything before is up in flames, you can't just lay down and cry about it.’

Razzlo’s voice in his mind lacked its usual bite; he sounded a bit defeated and tired, not something he often heard his other sound like with how much he proved motivation for them both to keep working hard. Despite how long they had been together, Livio had never asked Razzlo his thoughts on the Nicholas he knew before they were on the streets fending for themselves. He had only heard caution and insults sent his way in how they should avoid him within the Eye, too risky an encounter to try and bridge that gap. He wondered if the more bloodthirsty man in their body regretted what had happened, if he missed Nicholas too and felt the loss and ache like Livio did. He was not given any response to these thoughts, just a wordless pull towards the door and after the blonde man. 

Regardless which of the two had nudged their body in the direction, he let momentum take him as he followed and when he stepped outside he heard the click of the old truck out front the orphanage had used for it’s deliveries of supplies from the main city of December, and he saw Vash lean down and crawl into its backseat. He blinked in confusion, seeing the other had left the door ajar and he could hear the jingling of keys from inside the vehicle. He tilted his head only to see an arm snake its way out the open car holding the keys and then dramatically waved them around a bit to elicit another loud round of jingling.

Oh… oh.

“A-Ah, coming!”

Like a child called for by a parent, he stumbled a bit in his hurry to jog over to the car, bending slightly to take the keys from his to-be passenger. With his head angled down, he glanced up nervously checking one last time for permission, to be utterly certain this was what the other wanted. Vash gave him a tired stare but after a moment or two gave what was probably an attempt at a smile. It didn't reach his eyes, hell, it barely reached his lips at all. Just a small twitch of the corners really, but it was more than coaxing enough for the white haired man and he stepped back, closed the door of the backseat, and sat himself down in the driver's seat up front. Turning the key in the ignition, the car sputtered to life causing the loose sand around to stir at the hum of the vehicle and with only a seconds stall it was running and Livio turned to look back at the man in the backseat.

“Vash-san…um, where to? I know you said earlier but-”

He was answered not with words but a gloved hand reaching forward to simply point ahead of them, Livio taking a moment to let his gaze drift from the appendage to follow its direction. He bit his lip a bit nervously, glancing once more to exhausted green eyes for some kind of direction and approval. It took a few sluggish moments for Vash to seem to process that he had not been clear before he spoke.

“Just head that way, there’s only one big city left at this point. Nowhere else anyone can really go, not us, not the rest of humanity, not Knives.”

His voice was somber and tired, a certain finality to the statement coming off eerie in the otherwise silence within the car. Livio jerked a nod and with fumbled movements, the car began charting its course. Livio fighting the urge to speak to fill the silence and Vash not having the energy or life within him now to do anything but let himself rest back against the seat with his head tilted back resting into the rear dash, his arms listless at his sides atop the seats. This was how they rode for the first good hour or so, Livio giving in to his nerves and fluttering heart and more than necessary, finding his gaze affixed to his passenger through the rearview mirror. He was obvious, Razzlo’s sense of irritation with him he could feel letting himself know that, but even so Vash never commented on it and so they continued like that.

It was Vash who had broken the silence between them a couple hours into the trip. It startled Livio bad, his biting the inside of his lip the only thing keeping him from making some kind of noise in surprise as he quickly looked up into the mirror to meet downturned eyes, a shade of which he had seen nowhere else. He had honestly assumed the other had fallen asleep or was feigning it at least, so hearing the other man speak after so long made his heart pound just a bit faster.

“He always wished I was a bit more selfish, always scolded me for meddling and being too forgiving of people…So I'm going to be a little bit, okay?”

Livio blinked, his brows creasing slightly in confusion. “S-sure? I won’t argue with anything you decide at this point, Vash-san. Especially not..” Livio tilted his head as he tapered off, unsure how to address the aforementioned sentiment. Vash offered a tired smile before he could find the right word, which caught his attention quickly once more.

“I don’t blame you, you had your own circumstances and there’s a lot I’ll just never get to know about how you both ended up in the positions you did with the Eye of Micheal or with Knives. I know Wolfwood wanted you to survive though, he wanted you to survive as much as the orphanage and he died to make sure of it. I won't lay blame on you, not now, not for this. But even still…” he paused, moving to lean forward and hunch over himself a bit in the backseat, his fingers lacing as he rested his elbows on his thighs and he made to look up to meet the expectant gaze watching him from through the mirror.

His smile met his eyes a bit more than it had in the earlier attempts at one since they got into the vehicle, and yet the words past his lips sent chills down Livio’s spine.

“I don’t want to forgive you either.”

Livio’s grip on the wheel tightened, alarm bells going off in his head and yet not a word passed his lips. Just a tight swallow and his mouth suddenly far too dry even in these wastelands for the current situation. Vash laughed, a delicate soft thing it was, as if he was almost in disbelief or humored by his own words. Maybe he was, from the reputation he carried and reports, Vash was far from the type to hold grudges or really anything but a stupid level of sympathy and belief in the humans of this planet. Even with everything the gung-ho guns had done to him, he never relished in hurting or killing anyone and actively tried at all costs to not do so or be involved in their deaths. And yet, despite having taken him with him, given him the controls of their journey, even fed him and spoke to him of now dead family, it was with Livio that the blonde seemed to decide to lay down such a line.

“I want you to carry this with you for the rest of your life, because you’re going to keep living. After him, after this, after me. You will keep living, and I don't want you to ever forget what happened or who he was. No, you’ll live because of him and you’ll do so knowing every day it’s because he isn’t alive that you are. You’re his living legacy, Livio. You and those other kids from the orphanage. wherever they’re off to once things are finished, you all are the only things that will carry on the legacy of that man. And you’ll do it. Won't you, Livio?”

It was a question posed with a smile and soft eyes, and yet it dripped with nothing but absolute dominion and certainty of the answer and result. This was not a request, this wasn’t even an order. It was a directive, it was something to stamp onto his soul as a purpose. Livio tried to speak, taking a few attempts and a forced cough to push past how voiceless he felt under the pressure of the man behind him.

“....Nicholas always tried to reach out to me, ever since the start and at the end too…I won't forget that again…”

His answer seemed to ease something in the other man’s heart, the energy of the car seeming to lighten in moments as Vash let himself sag a bit, his eyes crinkling at the corners as his smile widened just a bit and it looked much warmer than what he had been affixed with just moments ago. Livio felt himself relax in kind, sighing silently as the almost cramp level of anxious stiffness in his back eased up.

“Thank you. Both of you. I am glad you’re not forcing me to give up the trust Wolfwood put in you. I knew you were kind children.” He raised a hand to lazily ghost over his mouth to stifle a yawn that dredged itself past his lips as his body finally relaxed truly a bit. 

“Y-you…you can sleep back there, if you want to I mean. I don't know how comfortable it is, but we have a long way to go and I already rested back there before after the fight. So..”

Vash nodded and almost obediently, he slid a bit closer to be directly behind Livio, resting his head against the glass window, his shoulder slotting into the lip of where glass met plastic car interior of the door. His long legs folded up almost unbelievably against the edge of the seat with his knees in the seat ahead of him. Livio could feel the metal knee pads pressing a bit through the upholstery but not uncomfortably or pointedly so. In just a few moments, it seemed as if exhaustion finally dragged him under and the sound of soft but rhythmic breaths filtered from the back seat up to the white haired man and green eyes had slid closed with blonde lashes delicately resting against high cheekbones.

The exchange had been tense, it had been terrifying, it had held a weight he didn't know he could be forced to hold, but above all it made Livio feel excited and fascinated. So this was the man Nicholas D. Wolfwood had thrown everything away to save, to guide as he was ordered and yet seemed to fall for over the promise of his own safety and that of his charges too. Sure, Nicholas wasn't stupid he knew, and it was likely he had just realized Knives had no real plans to uphold the deal the Eye had held over the priest’s head for years. But that didn't mean he didn't see even just from the brief events at the edges of December how those two had molded themselves to slot perfectly at each other's sides. They fought as if they had never once been fighting alone, they spoke as if  every moment together was desperately clung to and held close like a precious treasure. He had heard the thunder clap-like sound of what proved to be an angel’s weeping for the death of a mere man, felt the aftershocks of what that meant. Whatever they had gone through together, whatever they had become to each other over the past years Knives had assigned Nicholas his post, it was something deep and important.

And now that very same being, who had so deeply latched himself to the man who had saved his life with his own even as they fought to kill each other, had decided Livio was to come along with him now. It was his turn to carry the cross of Nicholas D. Wolfwood, even if the punisher itself had been left behind with its master. No, the cross he was to carry was of legacy, of memories, of responsibility and he had been entrusted it as a holy task from something much higher and older than himself. Was it punishment? Was it trust? Was it desperate clinging onto what remained of the man the blonde had buried with his own hands? Livio wasn't going to pretend he was smart enough or involved yet enough to try at guessing motives of someone that probably didn't even think like a normal man, none alone someone like himself. But whatever it was, it felt important and he had been entrusted with it. It felt like he was carrying a priceless and rare gemstone in his hands and not driving the presumably sleeping man in the back seat of a shitty car from a dying desert planet that was just waiting for the final blow.

Vash had spoken with such certainty he couldn't dare doubt him when he said that Livio would survive past this. Whatever that looked like, whatever that meant, he believed it. He and Razzlo for their own safety had grown not to trust hardly anyone, and even the ones they did pick before now seemed to fall through too. And yet he didn't doubt for an instant anything this man could tell or ask of him. Maybe this was the compulsion Nico-nii had had in following the humanoid typhoon…

[vitos-ordination-song]

In the past few years I’ve done a lot to get over my family issues and try to take responsibility. I’m ready to move on. But idk…

It’s only in these moments where I really connect to my sister, and we talk openly, that I feel understood. I don’t often meet anyone who relates to my experience, since I come from such a bizarre family. I mean some people do with parts of it, but my sister is the only person I can talk to who was there, who also lived through it.

I don’t have an easily explainable, digestible childhood. I can’t just say I was abused or traumatized bc it’s so much more complicated than that, it involves things that happened before I was born and things that happened to people other than me. While I went through my own thing, more than being victimized, I think the thing that’s really haunted me is how much I was twisted—my mind and spirit were degraded and I did not develop into a healthy, stable, or kind adult.

Idk if I can really explain my mom. It’s hard not to make things into a drama. Like, I learned early on that to get anyone to listen, you have to play up the more shocking angles, ‘cause no one’s gonna take “I don’t like when my mom pinches me” seriously, even if she does it viscously with no warning to punish her children secretly in public…

I was thinking about this one moment from my childhood where I was describing how another kid at school was disrespectful to their parent. I remember feeling pretty neutral at the time; I had been getting into conflicts with her lately, but we were just having a casual conversation at the moment. And she looked at me and coldly said, “back in Biblical times, they stoned disrespectful children to death. We should bring that back.” It was not a joke. It wasn’t exactly a threat either. It was that menacing, dictatorial attitude she would get at times.

If I brought it up to her now, she’d deny it. I doubt she remembers it. She has what I might call a dissociative personality, I think, where she has different sides to her and seems to forget what she does in other “modes.” Everyone does this to some degree but she’s more extreme due to her own childhood.

It’s hard to to tell anyone else about that kind of thing, because it’s not like how abuse is portrayed in media. Like. I didn’t fear for my life, I knew she wasn’t really going to kill me. She only ever beat me to the point of bruises once that I can remember. What moments like that did… I don’t think I could really process them beyond shutting myself down. As in, what that communicated to me, that moment and others like it, was that my mother could, at any time, completely cease caring for me, and in fact sadistically delight in my suffering. Which she did.

Authorities and society more broadly seem to view the degree of actions as most relevant. So like, my mom did lock me out of the house for a night, but she didn’t kick me out again when I snuck back in. So. Not that bad. And I’m not saying that degree doesn’t matter, it does. But the damage of it all, for me, was in that core sense of brokenness that came from living under the thumb of someone who professed to love me while also taking pains to systematically destroy me. Whether she did that through subtle coercion or screaming fits, it affected me.

[staysuki]

hey, hey, golden boy! | lee felix fic

pairing: childhood friend!reader x popular boy!lee felix | friends to lovers (alternatively: basketball club manager!reader x basketball player!lee felix)— a little bit of reader x juyeon (the boyz) as well genre: fluff, angst, high school au, mutual pining(?) word count: 11.0k (whew!) warnings: nothing much, some small mentions of physical violence. (also me not knowing how basketball works but accidentally incorporating too much of it in the story) synopsis: deep down you knew that things won't always be the same as it was when you were kids. as you grew up, felix became more and more popular compared to you, who remained invisible in the crowd. although you took this as a sign of drifting apart and denying your feelings for your childhood bestfriend, felix did not.

networks: @ficscafe

a/n: this gif makes me weak (edit: accidentally put "juyeon from ateez" in the title bc im big dumb who got confused)

"felix! over here!"

"you're the best, lee felix!"

cheers erupted from the gymnasium thanks to the current basketball game ongoing. though you had zero interest in the world of sports, you were not one to flake from supporting your bestfriend just because of it.

despite the fact that felix was just asked last minute to fill in a spot for an injured player, there was no doubt that he suddenly became the star of the show, with the air being filled by the sound of his name. you'd think that the actual basketball team would be jealous except they weren't, because felix was also leading them to victory.

he was the resident golden boy after all.

perfect looks, perfect grades, perfect personality.

he had it all.

you, on the other hand, did not.

"dude, felix absolutely knocked it out of the park. he should've just been in the basketball team from the start!" your friend said, recounting the details of last week's game.

thanks to felix, the school's team was able to make it to regionals and you couldn't be more proud.

"hmm, yeah, probably." you agreed mindlessly, not wanting to say something like 'he always liked soccer more.'

you see, you've been bestfriends with lee felix since you were both in diapers, and it's safe to say that you both knew the ins and outs of each other.

your families were so close that they all even decided to transfer to a different city together so that you'd all still be neighbors. so, in junior year, you and felix found yourselves transferring to a new school together. but unfortunately, it also coincided during a time of teen angst and budding social constructs brought upon who does puberty best, making junior year also the phase where felix skyrocketed to high school fame, leaving you behind in the shadows.

so when you were both offered a chance to start afresh due to the move, you begged if you could both pretend to not know each other, it ended up blowing into a huge argument, one you've both never had before but it definitely got you what you wanted.

"we've been bestfriends for so long, why do you suddenly want to act like strangers?"

"because!! just let me have this, felix, please."

"i just don't get it, y/n..."

"can't you just leave me alone? stop asking about it, you know we won't be kids who'll be stuck to the hip forever!"

"fine. have what you want, y/n."

you felt bad about how you two ended. how senior year started in your new school and you both avoided each other in the hallways, two bestfriends acting like they've never known each other at all.

but you couldn't tell him it's because you felt inferior to his sudden glow up. he grew taller than you, lost baby fat, developed a deep voice that brings chills to anyone's spine, and everyone started noticing him. he's always been a ball of sunshine who loved joining extracurriculars so having him noticed with a spotlight was inevitable— it helped a lot that he was cute too.

his rise to popularity was more so a question of when and not if. unlike you, he was everything put into one. a symbol of perfection. especially when he decided to dye his hair blonde— matched with his sunkissed freckles, he looked like the epitome of a happy summer day.

he wasn't just amazing at the things he chooses to do, he's also sickeningly sweet and nice. even when you two ended up not talking to each other for a week after your argument, he was still the first to climb the window to your room and apologize with a bunch of snacks.

he apologized, when you were the one at fault.

how much perfect can he be?

because of that, you realized that you at least owed him an explanation.

"what?! y/n, that's not true! you're smart and kind and pretty—"

"ok ok stop!" you waved him away, trying to hide the creeping blush on your face, accidentally pushing him off your bed. felix is a sweet talker, and you know that that's just how he talks to everyone in general. the compliments meant nothing since he could turn around and say the same things to somebody else right now.

"—ah y/n!!!"

"sorry!!" you tried to help him up but since you couldn't stop laughing at his demise, he ended up overpowering you and pulling you down with him.

"ugh i hate you!"

"what? you don't get to say that, you pushed me off first!" he just put you in a chokehold as you laid on top of him, despite pulling you on the floor with him, he still made sure to cushion your fall, bursting into fits of laughter together.

"look, y/n, you're my bestfriend and i don't want to lose you so i'll do what you want. but if you ever need anything, i'm always here. so please, let's stop fighting already."

"mm, okay." you just answered, snuggling to him on the floor as you felt his soothing breathing on your hair.

that was almost 5 months ago and although you two were still close at home (and sometimes in public when you felt brave risking it), you never approached him at school.

this made felix sad, of course, but he wanted to keep his word, and soon enough, he got used to it.

"you called for me, mr. kim?"

"ah yes! y/ln y/n! just in time, have a seat." you tried to hide your dubious face as you sat down in front of the club advisor's desk, eyeing him carefully.

"umm... is there something wrong?" you fiddled with the ends of your sleeves anxiously, the act of being called to teachers' offices always sending a shudder down your spine even when you were confident that you did nothing wrong.

"oh! no no! not at all. sorry for scaring you, ms. y/n but the basketball club actually needs a favor."

"oh... i don't think i'd be much help with that, sports isn't my umm.."

"ah, worry not ms. y/n, we're not asking for you to shoot some hoops in court. the male's basketball team actually needs a manager."

"a manager?"

"yeah, basically you watch over them and stuff. i don't know if you've heard but dahyun, the original manager, had been suspended from club activities because her grades were falling down. and now that the guys are set for regionals, they need a manager now more than ever."

"i'm not sure sir..."

"please y/n. it's only until dahyun gets her grades back up, you're our best option right now. you're in perfect academic standing and you don't drool over these sweaty teenage boys, gah! you won't believe how many applications we received of girls just wanting to get closer to mr. lee felix— he's not even actually in the basketball club!"

you wanted to laugh but also felt bad for mr. kim, so you couldn't stop yourself from caving in. "alright—"

"yes!! you're a lifesaver y/n! don't worry, i'll make sure to give you some compensation in terms of extra credits. i'll make sure that this isn't a waste of your time."

"that would be great sir, thank you."

"no, thank YOU."

although it felt nice having the promise of extra credits and helping, you soon felt queasy as you left mr. kim's office. he told you that dahyun would show you the ropes so you could efficiently fill her spot but dahyun was a former basketball varsity whilst you couldn't tell the difference between a tennis racket and a badminton racket.

you didn't know the first thing about managing a basketball club so with the remaining one hour left before club activities started, you did what you do best: study. you binged on guides to playing basketball and the terminologies, how the rules work, etc.

but cramming wasn't really your style, so you ended up jamming too much information than your brain could handle, making it all mixed up in your head.

"y/n, right?" dahyun immediately greeted with a smile when you entered the school's gymnasium.

"yeah, sorry, i don't know what i'm supposed to be doing."

"pshh, it's fine! as long as you're not one of those girls who climbs up the gymnasium windows to catch a peek at the guys then you're already great!"

"mm, yeah no, definitely not." you cringed, not realizing people were taking it to the extreme. you knew that good looking guys were always popular but you didn't know that they were that popular.

dahyun handed you her files and made you a checklist of what to do (which you rewrote because of how messy it looked), she showed you the way to the court and where the balls are kept. she told you which member liked what flavor of sports drink and which ones needed more pampering than the rest.

"spoiled boys." she rolled her eyes as she recounted having to baby one of their forwards, haechan.

she also told you most of what she does— watch them practice and take note of their playstyle: who scores the most, who plays their position well, etc.

it was a lot to take in but you were somewhat able to keep up. this was a favor which you weren't obligated to do but with your hardworking persona, you wanted to make sure you deliver a good performance. not that dahyun would be submitting a performance review afterwards.

"but most importantly, if they're being annoying, just smack them across the head." she smiled mischievously, and just as your crash course had ended, the club members finally started filing in.

you were just starting to be more comfortable around dahyun but now that you're gonna be doing the real thing, your nervousness came back to its all time peak. especially since your mentor was going to leave you alone.

"ok dumbos, listen up. as you may know, i will be taking a break from being manager—"

"because your grades are ass, we all know." someone piped and dahyun just glared at him, making the guy shut up which they all laughed at.

"—ANYWAYS, shutting up an idiot named wong lucas aside, someone else is going to be filling in for me. everyone, meet y/n, y/n, meet the stress inducers of my life."

you meekly greeted but they all introduced themselves politely. amidst the situation, you weren't able to notice how felix brightened up at the back of the group, happy to finally have a reason to be close to you in school.

"i'm chan, i'm the team captain, i'm currently just co-coaching right now since i'm busy with college applications and will be retiring as captain soon—but if you need any help, let me know!"

"i'm lucas, i'm the center, both in court and the looks department." he winked and you just awkwardly smiled, not knowing how to return the energy. dahyun made a barfing sound beside you whilst chan smacked the taller one on the head.

"i'm haechan, not to be confused with chan, i'm the small forward!"

"soobin, fellow small forward!"

"lee minho. point guard. co-captain."

"i'm juyeon, shooting guard."

"hi! i'm felix, i'm not an actual member but i'm standing in for xiaojun as the power forward until he's back from the hospital."

you nodded along everyone's words, keeping track of their names but it was helpful that dahyun already gave you a list beforehand, all that's left was to put faces to the names.

"umm, i'm y/n. i don't know anything about basketball, i was just forced to do this but i'll try to be as helpful as i can." you bowed, and they all suddenly burst out laughing, making you look up at them with wide eyes.

"she's so formal!" lucas cracked.

"d-did i say something wrong." you whispered the question as you turned to dahyun and she just shook her head with a laugh, patting you on the back.

"no no, you're honest, we like that— be good to her, idiots, i'll be off now." she gave them a small salute before cheering you on as she exited the gym.

now that the bubbly energy of dahyun was gone, you were left standing awkwardly in front of everybody, the dead silence being cut short by chan's clap.

"alright everyone, let's not make y/n's life any harder. it's time to practice for regionals!" he said and gave you a thumbs up. you immediately pulled out your notepad as you took a seat on the bench, waiting on their play. the six guys broke off into rival teams of three, including chan even though he said he wasn't much of a player anymore.

in the meantime, soobin took a seat beside you, offering you a kind smile.

"are you not playing..?" you asked curiously and he shook his head with a laugh.

"no, i'm a sub." he answers and you just nod, still not knowing what that means though it seems like he still caught your unsure face. "it means i'm not that good enough to be the first one in, i fill over haechan whenever he gets tired—which happens a lot but i don't normally get switched in until the last half of the game."

"that's not true, you're on the team, that means you're good enough to be in it, right?" you didn't really get the whole economy of it all but soobin just nodded beside you. you felt kinda sad thinking about how the boy just sits down and watch his teammates do their best knowing that he wants to be a part of it too.

"i guess that's one way to think of it."

you started to relax in soobin's presence as time went on, he helped you take notes and teach you more about the mechanics of the game. he also helped you distribute refreshments and take care of haechan and his god awful stamina because you felt awkward fanning the boy and wiping his forehead as he laid on the cold wooden floor.

"sorry y/n, this boy doesn't know how to conserve his energy at all." chan said, trying to kick haechan off the floor, making the boy roll over with a whine. "if you keep going like that then you're going to get used to doing it even in regionals."

"but that's why soobin's here ughh—" you didn't know whether you should feel bad or laugh at haechan but you found his antics kind of cute. though you bet he's probably in pain right now so you crouched beside him and patted his back.

"why don't you rest for now and let soobin fill in?" you offered, glancing at him and soobin with a shy smile.

"really~? you'll let me do that? dahyun never lets me rest until the third quarter!"

"well i'm not dahyun so.."

"thanks y/n! you're my favorite manager!" he immediately pretends to doze off, snoring on the floor and minho had to drag him by the feet away from the court, haechan protesting but couldn't break free from the stronger man's grip.

you signaled the start of the last session with a firm whistle, giving them an encouraging smile as they headed back in court to practice. you felt a small swell of pride in your chest, knowing that you did great for now.

"that was really nice of you, y/n." felix piped from beside you as you both mopped the gymnasium floors together.

"hmm? what do you mean?"

"letting haechan rest and letting soobin play."

you shrugged at his words, "i don't know, i just thought it made sense."

he nodded at your words, looking at you with a certain adoration that you couldn't quite understand, "yeah, but dahyun pushes haechan to the max to train his stamina, though the team could tell that it hasn't been working great for him. it also makes soobin feel like he's less of an asset to the team so i'm sure he's happy that he got to play for longer."

you just listened to him, taking in his feedback so that you'd be able to better your manager skills. you really hadn't been paying much attention to the game earlier, moreso just relying on soobin's commentary on what scores to put on whose names. when haechan switched with him, you were too shy to ask the resting boy so you moreso just winged it with the information that soobin had left you.

although you made a lot of mistakes on the sheet, chan just excused your faults, finding all the question marks written on the paper to be quite funny.

"you should've just asked me~! i was right beside you the whole time! you were so quiet i thought you didn't wanna be distracted so i didn't talk to you." haechan said when you all ended today's practice.

all in all, everyone seemed nice and welcoming. aside from minho who seemed to have had a naturally cold exterior. everyone was also very skilled at playing, watching them with a newfound wonder as you imagined what it feels like to have such a talent in sports.

for the next practice, you promised yourself to be more assertive and accommodating, so you spent all night reaserching and chatting with dahyun to know the personal ins and outs of the members.

although you felt bad for distracting dahyun with her studies, the girl was more than happy to catch a break.

so that night, you found yourself slaving away in the kitchen as you listened to basketball lessons on youtube.

you made a refreshing pitcher of lemon water for everyone as well as a sandwich basket. you know felix loves brownies so you added a few baked goods to the mix. but mostly you tried to keep it in the healthy track, cutting up a bunch of fruits and arranging them neatly into a container for everyone to snack on.

although you can't offer grounded wisdom about the gameplay like dahyun, you wanted to make them feel supported and taken care of. the least you could do was make sure they're eating well and not burning away their strength from strenuous practice since you could tell that this is a big deal for everyone.

especially juyeon, who you heard was aiming for a basketball scholarship.

it made you see felix in a more different light as well, seeing how he was talented enough to be pulled in last minute and play amongst aspiring athletes who've spent most of their lives playing basketball. meanwhile, felix had always been more of a taekwondo and soccer nut, though he had the natural skill for sports, being good at basketball was honestly something he didn't expect from himself.

you guess it was simply how some people are: favored by the gods.

when you had came over for the next training period, everyone seemed more than happy with your brigade of food and refreshments.

"i wish dahyun fails chemistry again so we can have y/n as a manager for good!" haechan quipped which earned him another smack from the club captain.

"y/n if i gain a few extra pounds i'm going to blame you for it." lucas snided jokingly but quite obviously is the one fishing for most of the food.

"thank you for this y/n! we really appreciate all your hard work." felix commented with a bright smile as he munched on the brownies. it was his favorite, especially when you were the one who made it. although he has had in countless times in his life before, it never fails to make him happy.

"hey! how come felix is the only one with brownies??" soobin mentioned.

"oh? does ms. manager have favoritism?" juyeon laughed as he eyed you suspiciously but you just shook your head vigorously.

"you guys can have some of it too!" you quickly saved but felix was too fast for any of them.

"nope! all mine! i love y/n's brownies, you guys didn't take some earlier so now it's too late." he stuck his tongue out as his other members chased him across the gymnasium, with lucas just settling on throwing his shoe towards the freckled blonde— and in true basketball player fashion, he was a good shot, hitting felix square on the back of his head.

"alright, children, that's enough!" chan bellowed but in amusement as he watched his teammates, getting the attention of his rowdy members. he looked like a fond father watching over his chaotic kids.

the day continued with them hunkering down to practice seriously. watching them is thoroughly enjoyable. seeing the way they interact and goof around off-court, like they're all close friends just playing a game together. but once they step inside the court, they all change into a different person— all serious and motivated with a drive to win. even the goofiest ones like haechan and lucas quiet down when it's time to ball.

haechan and soobin also seem a lot happier and relaxed now that you've split the time evenly between them: haechan gets to rest then soobin gets to play more.

it's been a couple weeks since you've become the basketball club's manager and you've already started to become closer to the boys.

most of all felix. he was so excited that you guys finally had a chance to "naturally" develop a close friendship in school so gone are the days that you two act like strangers. because now, if people asks, you guys could just say that you grew close during club times. he was so so happy, and it showed.

especially with the way that he insists on walking home together now, almost all the time. at first you were a bit apprehensive but he managed to convince you with his puppy dog eyes and adorable pout.

"pleaaaaseee, y/n? we could just say that we found out that we live in the same area so it's more convenient for us both!" he whined so you couldn't exactly say no.

aside from the basketball team who seemed to be conspiring behind your backs on shipping the two of you together because they found the sudden closeness a bit suspicious, there were also a number of students that noticed the growth: namely, felix's "fanclub."

"what's your relationship with lee felix?" one of the cronies asked.

"ummm, we met on the basketball club while i'm temporary manager."

"are you guys dating?"

"no?"

"well, do you like him?"

"i don't." you said with confidence. you've said the same answer ever since you were young and felix has had lots of girls having crushes on him. meanwhile, you didn't want any conflict so you made sure to get out of their way as much as possible. although every time the answer comes out of your mouth, slowly you start to feel like it's becoming more and more false.

the days pass and your previous invisible position in social circles started to break, people started noticing you more and more as you hung out around the basketball team. they spared glances your way, glaring at you, some envious, some curious, but all were thinking how such a random nobody got the close adoration of the most popular boys in school.

"y/n~~~ you're making food again right?" haechan said as you met on the hallway.

"only if you guys do well later."

"i'll last the whole four quarters!!"

"haechan that's not what i—"

"see you ms. manager!"

you rolled your eyes fondly at the boy's antics. although you weren't as technical as dahyun and weren't able to give them sports insight (so you leave it to the actual coach to do so), you've never had any moments of low morale. soobin has improved a lot and haechan were now able to last longer without having minho drag his limp body off the court.

overall, their close bond worked wonders in their team play and communication. even felix who was the "outsider" of the group was able to move in sync with the other members.

you were proud whenever you watched them. they were such beasts in the court and it made you wonder how they'd possibly be able to lose.

well. maybe you shouldn't speak too soon.

felix: i have extra curric work today, can't go home with you :((( you: it's fine, i can wait if you want?? felix: no no! this is probably gonna take long, i wouldn't want you to wait for me :( you: alright, get home safe later. felix: i should be the one saying that >:((( you: pfft kk. talk to you later. felix: <3

you put your phone on your pocket as you decided to head on first, but meeting a familiar face by the gate.

"y/n?"

"juyeon?"

"no felix today?" he gave you a knowing smile as he wiggled his eyebrows and you just rolled your eyes at him.

"he said he was busy today."

"ah yeah, that guy's got a lot going on in his plate. kinda amazing how he still had the time to spare to help us out but i'm glad that he did. i don't think we would've gotten this far without him."

you widened your eyes at him, "what? no way! you guys are great, i mean, i haven't seen you guys play without felix but i'm sure you would've achieved it all the same. getting to regionals, that is."

"wait wait wait, you haven't seen us play without felix?"

you shook your head no.

"did you just watch our game for the first time because felix was there?"

you opened your mouth to say no but you couldn't bring yourself to lie nor think of a good excuse.

"w-well um uhh— no? my friend just uhhh.... forced me to go? coincidentally?"

he gave you a knowing look, bumping your shoulder with his. "a felix fangirl huh? maybe i should tell the others that hmmm?"

"hey! not true!" you smacked his arm as you both laughed, not even noticing that you were following his walk.

"well you seemed very close now and you watched our game because of him soooo...?"

"ugh fine, can you keep a secret?"

"of course y/n, i definitely won't tell the whole team that you're whipped for our resident golden boy." he totally would've but you just rolled your eyes again.

"it's not that, juyeon. we're actually bestfriends. we've known each other since we were kids."

"wait really? you guys don't act like it."

"yeah.. that's kinda on me. i told him i wanted to act like strangers."

"ok weirdo."

"please— it's hard being in his shadow all the time, back in junior year there would be girls coming for my back and also use me as a message deliverer."

"pfft, i take it that's such a drag?"

"very. i was used to it but since we get to have a new start i thought, why not have a change of pace, you know?"

"valid valid. so you don't like felix?"

you shook your head, or at least, you think you don't. "i mean, we've just been friends for so long." that part you know is true. you've been friends for so long that the feeling could easily be a misplaced feeling of familial love. maybe you're just comfortable around felix, not because he makes your heart beat but because you've never been apart.

a comfortable silence fell on the air, you didn't even realize that you two had started walking until it had become quiet. you immediately turned to face juyeon, getting ready to say goodbye. "oh, i should probably head home now."

"well, ms. manager, since your prince is still currently stuck in the castle, why don't i give you a ride for today?"

"please, he's not my prince. do you drive?"

"well then, i'll be your prince for today. i have a sick horse." he winks at you with a playful smirk as he points towards a motorcycle at the school's parking space. "you scared, y/n?"

you shook your head, taking the helmet that he had handed you as he assisted you on hopping onto his motorcycle. he tied his sports jacket over your waist to provide you a bit of modesty that would be gone with your uniform's skirt flying all over the wind. you mutter a quick thanks with his chivalry.

"just hold on tight if you start feeling nervous, it's alright."

"i probably won't but okay. my house is at—" you told him your address and he nodded.

"actually, can i take you somewhere else first?"

you shot your eyebrows up at his offer. "uhhh...sure? where?"

he threw you another playful wink, "somewhere that may or may not be a date."

"what—?!" before you could even mutter any follow up questions, the engine roared to life, blasting you both through the wind. "juyeon!!!" you shouted as you instinctively held onto the back of his uniform.

"yes princess?" he laughed, amused that you decided to hold on.

"you're going too fast!!!!"

"i thought you're not scared?"

"yeah if you weren't going a hundred miles an hour!"

he just laughed but you could feel the motorcycle slowing to a proper pace, you finally braved to let go of his coat and put your hands at the back instead. "this is better."

"but i wanted to make you feel the wind, y/n."

"i can feel it plenty enough, thanks."

you both arrive at a quaint little establishment— a small coffee shop adorned with plants and fills the air with the smell of freshly brewed caffeine and old books. the interior was cozy and felt a little like a better version of home; plush couches, red brick wall, just the perfect temperature.

"this is a nice place." you uttered to juyeon.

"yup, it's a bit out of the way so not a lot of people go here. it's my secret spot."

you scoffed amusedly at him, "and let me guess, i'm the first person you've ever brought here?"

"what? no, i bring the basketball guys here all the time." he laughed at your embarrassed expression, "did you want me to be a cliché, y/n? i'll go look for another secret hangout spot and then bring you there right now."

you waved his ridiculousness away, "whatever, juyeon." but you did feel embarrassed for getting ahead of yourself. not that you could blame yourself much when he's the one who said that this may or may not be a date. which, honestly, sounds confusing.

"what's your poison?" he asked as he led you to the counter, he greeted the barista and true to his word, he seems to be a regular at this place.

"i would like—" "—wait no no no, on second thought. i wanna guess."

you looked at him dubiously but didn't protest when he led you to sit down, trusting him with ordering for you. what you didn't know, however, was that this was juyeon's way of getting you out of the cashier area so that he'd be able to pay for you without doing the wallet tango. for some reason, he feels like you'd be the kind to insist paying for yourself.

a few minutes later and he comes back, "ummm, what'd you get?"

"you'll see when it arrives."

as you waited for his order, you both conversed about different kinds of things. your life before transferring, his life around basketball, etc.

you found out that there's a lot of expectation around him to snag that ivy league athlete scholarship— because that's the only way he could get into a good college. they weren't rich nor did he think he was smart enough to get some other kind of scholarship.

"i can tutor you!" you immediately said and he just smiled.

"well, i wouldn't want to add more to your plate but if you have time to spare then i'd love that."

you gave him a thumbs up but told him to focus on regionals for now.

"you've been a great manager, you know that?"

you shook your head no. "hours before the first day meeting, i was binging on basketball-for-dummies youtube videos because i don't even know anything about it!"

"pfft, well you learn fast."

as the conversation slows down to occasional banter, the order finally arrives. the barista hands juyeon a regular cup of coffee then proceeds to hand you a cup of cocoa with whipped cream and chocolate shavings on top— along with a whole box of strawberry shortcake that says "thank you" on top.

"going all out, i see."

"the boys pitched in for this but it was supposed to be a surprise for tomorrow, the final day of official practices— but you know, i wanted to have you for myself so i'm giving it early as an excuse."

you scrunched your face at his attempt of flirting but he just kicked your leg under the table, which resulted in you kicking him back.

"hey! you can't injure your mvp! that's basketball managing 101."

"too bad i don't know how to be a good manager then."

juyeon took you home near dark, not expecting for you both to take this long outside, but it was time well-spent. you enjoyed your time with him outside that you forgot to check your phone the whole time.

[5 texts and 3 missed calls from felix]

felix: omw out, did you get home safe? felix: y/n, your mom told me you're not home yet, where are you? felix: please reply if you're safe! i'll wait for you in your room. felix: y/n please be okay ;(((( felix: haechan told me he saw you leave with juyeon.

you made a beeline towards the kitchen, putting in the cake in the fridge before going straight upstairs.

"yah, y/n! where have you been?" your mom greeted from the counter.

"i was out with a friend."

"well stop worrying that boy too much, he's been pacing around this whole time that i sent him to wait upstairs because it was distracting."

you wanted to laugh at that but felt bad about making felix worry. he probably would've been blaming himself had you been put in a dangerous situation because it's the first time that you two hadn't gone home together in a while.

"felix?" you called out softly as you entered your room, and true to your mom's words, he was indeed pacing around.

he abruptly stops when you show up and he stops on his tracks. he looked like he wanted to envelop you into a big hug but also chew you out for causing him stress.

"you worried me."

"sorry, i was out with juyeon. i wasn't checking my phone."

he sat down on your bed, just waiting for you to come in. "did you guys have fun?" he asked with a small smile that didn't reach his eyes. you couldn't read his expression but you passed it off to just him being tired.

"yeah, he took me somewhere nice." you said, joining felix on your bed but instead of sitting, you lied down beside him.

"was it a date..?" he asked hesitantly as he followed your lying position and you shrugged, looking at him in eye level now as you faced each other.

"i'm not sure. he said it may or may not be, it's confusing."

"well, did you want it to be a date?"

you averted your eyes from his intense gaze. you've never really seen felix this serious. you wondered if he was mad at you for not answering his texts and making anxious.

nonetheless, you shrugged once again. "i don't know. i'm good with either."

felix didn't know what to say. he's not stupid, he knows what jealousy is when it comes but he has never felt it before, or at least, not as strong as this one. he should've expected it— you were kind, smart, and pretty, soon enough, somebody else was going to see the amazingness that is you. he just didn't expect that you'd have eyes for someone else too.

he always gave small hints under your nose, but it seems like you always turned it away or passed it like some joke. but one thing is for certain: it's that felix wants you. he's always had.

and if it's going to take more than small hints to get you to notice, then he'll do his best. he promised himself that he'll finally tell you how he really feels and stop keeping his love for you under wraps.

but for now, regionals.

you were on the bus alongside the other boys, on your way to the rival team's school. dahyun was going to be late due to classes still ongoing for her so you were stuck taking care of the guys again. but you didn't know how to rally them up pre-game. you could tell that they were all on their nerves. you could tell that chan was trying to ease their mind but for the members like juyeon who was aiming for a scholarship and had heard that a scout would be watching— this was all or nothing.

even haechan hasn't cracked a joke in 30 minutes, which worried you a ton. being nervous meant that this is important for them, and that nervousness could translate to fighting spirit. but it could also get to their heads.

you gave haechan an encouraging pat on the back before walking to the front of the bus, facing all of them. though you weren't one for public speaking, you tried your best to calm them down. "ummm... i've seen you guys practice almost every day for a month and a half, and even when there weren't any official training hours, some of you still went to the court or train all alone. i know how hardworking everyone is and how skilled you are at playing basketball so don't be scared to kick some ass. i know you guys can do it!"

they all let out a content sigh, taking in your encouraging words as you instilled confidence in their veins. even ice-cold lee minho offered you a gratuitous smile.

"thanks for taking care of us, y/n." soobin piped up and you waved him off, telling him it's no big deal.

"no seriously, we all know you were just forced to deal with this because coach didn't trust anyone else to not just take advantage of the situation and drool all over me— i mean, everyone." lucas said, earning him a smack from minho. "yah! lee minho, you're lucky i'm sitting down, it's the only way you can reach my head."

"what did you just say?" the man in question now holding his hands in fists.

in a single second, everyone managed to turn the gloomy atmosphere into a rowdy one like always. felix shot you a thumbs up, proud of you for doing so well.

in the corner of your vision though, you see someone still in their head. wanting to laugh along but so visibly tense.

"hey, you good?" you asked juyeon, joining him in his seat.

"yeah, just.. you know, scared."

you rolled your eyes at him, "you're the best player i've ever seen, don't be so glum."

"yah, y/n, if you don't stop rolling your eyes at me i'll poke that off." you both laughed, easing his own tension.

"want me to sit here with you?"

"that would be nice, yeah."

"i always listen to music to calm my nerves, here." you offered him your other earbud.

"y/n, you have shit music taste."

"i'm throwing you off the bus."

felix isn't the only one who took notice of this, the others have also seen the way you and juyeon had grown closely.

and as the others watch the way felix stared intently at the back of your heads, face unreadable, chan tried to distract the freckled boy by cheering him on for the game. though felix offered a small smile, one could obviously tell that he wasn't feeling the greatest. especially not when he could plainly see the girl he has loved for so long slowly be enamored by someone else.

as you guys arrive at the rival school, everyone was back to their serious facades, putting their game faces on as you were all led to your own backroom in the gymnasium.

"oh? you guys got a new manager? finally got tired getting chewed off by dahyun because you're so bad at playing?" a long haired blonde greeted, wearing the other school's jersey. your eyebrows rose at his douchey comment, about to retort when chan just held you by the shoulder.

"nice to see you too, hwang. dahyun is just busy. we'll see you in court." your team captain said as he ordered for everyone to focus and just go straight inside the room, not to mind the taunts of their opponent.

"who was that?" you asked.

"hwang hyunjin. their shooting guard." juyeon answered, seething at the guy who seems to be his arch nemesis.

"he seems like a douche." you commented, making them snort.

"well yes, he is, but he's got the skills to back it up. he's also in line for a scholarship and rumor has it that only two will be able to get it from the ivy league that juyeon was shooting for." you nodded at chan's explanation.

"then if hwang hyunjin gets it then surely juyeon would be the other one!" you said which made chan nod, juyeon shrugging.

"i don't know, i mean, they could take lucas or someone else from the other team."

"hey hey hey, i'm not gonna steal your thunder man, you know i want to be a model." lucas said, raising his arms in surrender. "but i'm flattered to know that you think i'm good enough to steal your spot."

"don't let it get to your head, wong."

"too late." the taller smirked.

you all shared meaningless banter while they warmed up, with haechan jogging calmly in place as to not expend unnecessary energy so early on. while they prepped, you learned about the enemy team.

hwang hyunjin goes against juyeon. they always seemed to have a silent competition between both of them and no one has won yet.

haechan (and soobin) goes against han jisung, the wild card. compared to haechan, jisung has energy that could go on for days and he was completely unpredictable in court.

lucas goes against choi san. "i'm much more handsome." the tall one quipped.

"that's not the competition, dumbass." minho said.

apparently san was well-known to play dirty, and although he was hiding it within jokes, you could tell that lucas was a bit nervous to go against someone with an infamous reputation.

minho was going against jung wooyoung. "piece of cake, that guy's a sissy." and you wholly believe that minho can hold his own. you don't think there's anything that can go against lee minho and win— except for cats.

felix was going against jeno, "just an average dude." haechan commented.

all in all, despite the wacky mix of characters, this team progressed to regionals for a reason.

"chan, i think you should enter first before me." lucas said as they discussed team strats.

"lucas, we trust you. don't let san get to your head." soobin commented.

"haechan, at any time that you're getting out of breath, just call in, don't try to match han jisung." the team leader advised. "most importantly, nobody leave your posts."

the bell signified the start of the first quarter. everyone was cheering and shouting, the air was mixed with hyper support for their fellow schoolmates. although you were in rival territory, your school's fighting spirit didn't allow to be drowned out by the other's.

you sat down beside chan and soobin on the bench, your knees shaking up and down in anticipation as you watched the game unfold. it's barely been 10 minutes but everyone was already head to head.

chan put a gentle hand on your knees to relax you, "don't worry y/n, this is what we've all been preparing for." you nodded at him and tried to relax, though your knees had stopped, you still kept squirming on your seat every time the opponents scored a shot.

the first quarter ended with your group being 5 points ahead. it was nice to see but it wasn't enough, it would be easily overtaken.

"haechan, you still good?" you asked as the game took a breather, everyone huddling up by the benches.

"yes, han jisung's been taunting me to chase him but i won't bite, he probably thinks i'm stupid." haechan spat, glaring at his enemy's head.

"san seems to be behaving right now, maybe it's because there are scouts watching." chan observed.

"they have good teamwork, but not as personally close as you guys, hwang seems to be the only one pulling most of the work. you got this!" you cheered and they all just looked at you. "d-did i say something wrong?"

soobin shook his head, "you've learned how to observe the game well, y/n. we're also proud of you."

you blushed at his compliment swatting him away.

"any advice for us, ms. manager?" felix smiled at you sweetly, despie his labored breathing, he still seemed calm, his stare making your heart swell. it feels nice that they hold your word to a similar regard even though you don't know anything about basketball. perhaps you've learned a fair sum.

"do your best?" they all laughed.

"you were being overly ambitious with that question, golden boy." minho nudged felix who just laughed.

the second quarter started and this time, hwang's team were able to catch up and overtake the team by 15 points. a higher margin than what your team had set in the first quarter but not an impossible chase. this time, it seems like they've started to divvy up the work. this time you can see wooyoung stepping up, being able to butt heads with lee minho's strength.

jisung still kept running around, instigating a wild goose chase with haechan but he wasn't having it. he kept his eyes on the ball. but for all it's worth, han jisung was ridiculously good at slinking in between spaces and blocking the ball.

but jeno still couldn't hold a candle to felix. your bestfriend being too dexterous in game, it was highly enjoyable watching felix play. no matter what he does, there was a certain air of elegance around it, he moves like a fairy, his limbs filled with gracious motions that's akin to the way he dances. everyone couldn't help but gaze at him, even hearing the rival school's students whispering about the golden freckled boy that they've never seen before. you even hear some of them arguing who was the better blonde: hyunjin or felix. in your heart, you know exactly what the answer to that is.

the second quarter finished and your team was now down by 37. although it seemed like a wide gap, it wasn't anything they couldn't catch up to. gone were the boys filled with nerves, they were now just filled with a fighting passion, a drive to win. lucas and haechan were now switched with captain chan and soobin.

the other team seemed to deny switching places with anyone else, you marveled at how they could all last for so long but you suppose it was the same with your team as well. you always just thought that it's because they didn't have anyone to substitute for them but perhaps they're really just talented enough to hold their own.

with a few minutes of rest in between quarters spent strategizing, you made sure to accommodate their rest. giving them cold towels, water, you name it.

third quarter started and dahyun had sent you a text that she's going to be late, but she was already stressing out with the current state of the game. she wanted to offer some advice but with the way that she couldn't see what's going on, she couldn't really do so.

but with the entry of chan and soobin, things were starting to go back up to your favor. the margin started getting lower and lower until by the end of the third quarter, it was down to 11. time seemed to flow faster and you didn't even realize that the game was on its final match. you see dahyun burst through the gymnasium doors and go straight towards the team.

"please tell me we're winning." she said.

"we will be." lucas gave a thumbs up as he leaned on the bench, just enjoying a juice box.

"did you tap out early? you're our best blocker!" dahyun asked and the boy just shrugged.

"he didn't want to deal with choi san." chan explained and dahyun nodded.

"did he try anything funny so far?" the team shook their head.

"probably trying to look good in front of the scouts." haechan pointed towards the sleek dressed men in the front of the audience.

"no way, they all know hwang's the one getting that scholarship, i bet he's just biding his time."

"stop being so negative, dahyun, we're only a few points away, we can do this!" felix cheered, trying to calm everyone before dahyun's words get to them.

a bell signified the start of the last quarter, everyone's on their toes, everyone's thrown away every tense nerve to replace it with a do or die attitude.

"come on guys, take it home." you heard dahyun mutter towards you.

as the time ticked by, the points hiked up, they were able to close the gap with 2 points away.

haechan held yours and lucas's hands squeezing it in anticipation so you took dahyun's at your side as well.

with fifteen seconds left on the clock, this was their last chance to victory. they had to make this shot count.

you saw juyeon barreling his way to the opponent's net, shaking off hwang hyunjin whose cocky attitude had been wiped off a quarter prior.

but the enemy team had probably seen this coming, with juyeon being too good and your side's teamwork being unmatchable, they suddenly pulled their wildcard.

han jisung and choi san both left their posts, instead making hwang hyunjin face against the two that they had left behind— soobin and chan. with the guy's height and innate talent, he was able to spin the two around his palm.

san had thrown his dirty play into the mix, trying to incapacitate juyeon's shot. it all happened in a blink. juyeon was down to the floor and despite the shouts and protests of the people around the gym, the referee didn't call foul play.

you could hear your friends cursing under their breaths as han jisung snatched the ball away from a downed juyeon before attempting to run towards the other end of the court.

what they didn't expect was your team's trump card. the appearance of your golden boy. felix had left his post, risking leaving jeno open to face han jisung. he fell to the spot naturally, and despite jisung's tricks, the freckled blonde was able to undermine the boy and take the ball away.

it was two points left. felix had to make it count. he was never one for risks, but this time, he didn't want to play it safe. although overtime will be granted for a tiebreaker, your bestfriend sidestepped everyone's attempts to stop him as he went towards the three-point line. as he bent his knees to prepare for a shot, everything had turned into slow motion— he spared a glance towards your face before moving his eyes back to the net, letting go of the ball in his palm as he aimed towards victory.

5..

4..

3..

2..

1..

and that's a match.

"LEE FELIX YOU ABSOLUTE BEAST!" dahyun immediately shouted as the boys got back to the bench.

with his last shot making the hoop, felix had brought victory to the school's name, his immense risk of the last second decision under pressure is a play that will be ingrained at your school. he truly was the golden boy.

chan was so happy he had carried the smaller boy over to his shoulder, making him bask in everyone's attention as your whole school had sent compliments and flowers to his merry way. you could tell that he was feeling shy with the attention but he was happy to have won the game for his team.

"everyone did great as well! we couldn't have caught up to them without everyone's help." he said modestly as chan set him down. "i'm sorry i left my post, chan."

"dude, no need to be humble, you absolutely killed that." lucas patted him on the back, even minho was nodding with acknowledgement.

"felix you have to sign my jersey now." haechan joked and felix just smacked his jersey away.

"alright alright, let's get you off those sweaty uniforms." dahyun said as she pushed everyone to the backroom. "in a few moments, that crowd's gonna be brave enough to approach ya'll and then we won't be able to leave."

although dahyun wanted to stay, she still had schoolwork to worry about, so she left you to wait outside the guys' room while they changed. she was utterly delighted with the win and would try to join the post-celebration party once she's free.

as you waited for them to finish, a man approached you from the stands. you immediately took notice of his sleek attire, a professional polo topped with a tie, remembering that this was one of the scouts watching the game.

"excuse me, you're the manager right? is the team inside?" you nodded at his words.

"yes, ummm, they're changing but i think you could just come in." you knocked before opening the door for him, "someone's here to see you." you shouted, not wanting to take a peek inside.

the man thanked you before heading in, and you curse at the fact that you can't hear anything beyond the door. but this was good, right? this means that juyeon's gonna get his scholarship! you felt giddy at the thought, making a mental note to make him a congratulatory cake.

the scout left the room, giving you a nod as he smiled at you, complimenting the team's amazing play and you just bowed at him politely with a thank you.

you risked going inside, debating that they're probably done getting dressed now.

with a huge smile, you went in, about to say congratulations to juyeon but instead you see him pinning your bestfriend to the lockers by his shirt.

you stopped on your tracks, not knowing what to say but nobody seems to have noticed your presence, they were all busy holding juyeon back as he seethed towards your freckled boy. chan and minho was trying to hold his body whilst haechan was trying to free his grasp on felix's shirt. soobin and lucas was nowhere to be seen, presumably still in the showers.

"you're not even part of the team— yet you took this opportunity away from me!"

"i-im sorry! i didn't mean to! i could just reject it—"

juyeon scoffed, "you're turning a full ride athletic scholarship away? how much of a fucking idiot can you be?! do you get some sort of high from shoving it into people's faces how you're better than everyone? feels nice doesn't it? being the golden boy, talented at everything, everyone worshipping the ground you walk on."

"juyeon calm down—" he shoved off chan who was trying to hold him off.

"my future depends on this scholarship while you just suddenly show up, take it away from me, then have the audacity to tell me that you're just going to reject it? am i a joke to you? are you trying to prove how you can get whatever you want in the snap of your fingers even when somebody else has been working for it their entire life?"

"that's not true—"

"is it because of y/n? you feel threatened that i'm getting closer to her so you steal this away from me?"

"stop jumping to conclusions, man." minho warned.

"don't bring y/n into this, i didn't mean to take this away from you!"

"don't think that i didn't notice your eyes whenever we'd hang out, golden boy. but it's not my fault that you're too much of a pussy to tell her how you really feel about her. don't you think it's kind of shitty for you to keep pretending that you're still just bestfriends even after years? even though you don't look at her with the same innocent eyes of friendship anymore? don't you think that's a bit deceiving? she thinks you're still while friends while you want something more." juyeon continued to taunt, "and now that i'm taking away the one thing that you love the most, you fight back like a snake instead of facing it like a man."

"that's not—"

"y/n?" before felix could continue, soobin called out to you as he stepped out of the showers, suddenly, all pairs of eyes land on your position by the door. the momentary surprise enough for haechan to remove juyeon's grip and chan successfully prying him away from felix.

you opened your mouth to speak but no words come out. instead what came out was labored breathing.

felix... likes you? or loves you? as more than a friend?

"y/n..." he started, but you looked back at him with the eyes of a deer caught in the headlights. as he tried to step closer gently, you immediately bolted out of there, not wanting to reel in everyone's awkward stares.

running towards nowhere in particular and it wasn't until your feet started to ache that you suddenly remembered you weren't in your own school. your team won the game, but at what cost? you know how important the scholarship is to felix— and speaking of, he likes you. you didn't know what to feel. you love him, sure, but he was always worlds away from you. any sort of romantic prospect thrown out the window because you know you'll never amount to how good he is.

you walked around the field, trying to figure out where the exit is, hoping to just catch a bus so that you don't have to ride with the team and sit in the awkwardness.

with your mind spinning around in wanders, you almost fell to the ground when you felt yourself bump into someone. "woah woah, didn't think you'd be the one falling for me." hwang hyunjin snided with a wink as he caught you by the arm, making you gag in your mouth.

"what do you want, hwang."

"why so snarky? you're the one who bumped into me."

"sorry then, i'm going home." you started to walk away but he stopped you in your tracks.

"that's not the way out, you know."

"fine, can you please point me to the exit." he just shrugged and motioned for you to follow him.

"i heard the freckled lee got the other scholarship." he laughed.

"what's so funny?"

"because i got the other one. so i don't care if we lost the game, at the end of the day, i was able to one-up juyeon. i may have lost the fight but i won the war."

"isn't it kind of sad that that's the first thing you think about? is that your motivation for this? trying to one-up others? is your self worth just based around the loss of other people?" you said as you glared at him, a bad taste in your mouth at the thought of juyeon losing something he had worked for tirelessly, competing with hwang wasn't something in his mind, all he wanted was to make his family proud. meanwhile, this reincarnation of a cocky attitude just spits it out like it's nothing.

"watch your mouth, manager. you don't know who i am, and you're in my territory." he stopped as he towered over you, glaring at you with a powerful gaze. you felt a chill run down your spine but you weren't one to back away.

"leave her alone, hwang." the tall blonde tore his gaze from you to look back at the voice that you recognized.

"congrats on the scholarship felix, see you in college." he smirked as he walked away, ignoring the sharp stares the you two are planting on him.

once he was out of earshot, felix risked getting closer to you, and from the heat of the situation you forgot the awkwardness that started to bubble in your stomach, now being too late to run away from him once again.

"are you okay, y/n? did he do something weird?" you were dumbfounded at his closeness but you could tell that he was wary on touching you, not wanting to overstep his boundaries now that you've heard how he felt about you.

you shook your head, "no, no, i'm fine, he was showing me the exit."

"let's go home together?" he asked meekly, looking at you with the same soft eyes that he's always given. and now you notice that you've never seen him give the same look for someone else. those affectionate eyes, the fondness that holds you within. it has always been just for you.

you nodded, making him lead the way. the trip back home felt awkward, and you missed the comfortable silence that you two always shared. this time, you could feel that there was an unaddressed situation that none of you seemed to wanted to take initiative in crossing.

he walked you to your door, giving you a smile before heading back to his own house— that was the first time he'd done that, always walking you all the way up to your room and hanging out before leaving. this time, he'd left you with a small emptiness.

as you went up to your room, the heaviness settled to your core after plopping on the bed, tears slowly streamed down your eyes.

you didn't know if it was because you felt bad for juyeon, or because you were happy about hearing felix's feelings although it didn't come directly from his mouth. perhaps you felt bad because you don't think you deserve him.

but one thing's certain: you loved him back. you've stopped yourself from feeling anything special towards him to the point that it hurts.

but now that the dam was broken, you can't stop yourself from falling, and now with the way felix had left you alone, you weren't sure whether there's still anyone who'd catch you.

with eyes heavy from tears, you fell to a deep slumber.

you woke up at the sight of your bestfriend shaking you awake, your mind felt groggy, your eyes a bit heavy.

"hey, your mom told me you skipped dinner."

"what time is it?" you asked as you rubbed your eyes awake, seeing the moonlight shine inside your bedroom.

"12 AM." he answered.

"then why are you here?" you asked him and he just sat beside your bed.

"i talked to juyeon... he also said he couldn't reach you so he was worried, so i came to check on you. i also got you food." you nodded at his words, seeing the takeout bag in his hands.

"are you guys good now?" you sat up awake, finally getting your bearings back as you stared at felix.

he shrugged, "hopefully, but i think we'll still need some time."

"i see.. that's understandable.."

"but i'm not here to talk about juyeon."

you swallowed, preparing yourself for the next words you're about to hear.

"i love you, y/n. i've always had. i was mad that you wanted to pretend like strangers because i didn't want to lose you to anyone else. i was so used to having you by my side and going to school without you made me realize that i can't spend a day separated from you. i know the way you found out isn't exactly the best situation ever but my feelings for you are real. i was jealous when you were hanging out with juyeon but i know how much the scholarship means to him, i didn't take it away on purpose because of you. i respect your friendship with him and i know you're also sad for him— so please, y/n, i hope you don't think of me any differently."

he just held your hand through his words, nervousness apparent in his voice as he squeezed your hand affectionately. he was anticipating your answer, scared but prepared.

you felt overwhelmed but you knew you couldn't deny it any longer.

"i love you too— and not just as a friend, i've always thought you'd drift away from me because—" you couldn't even finish your words as he trapped you in his embrace. the familiarity of his natural scent mixed with his cologne delightfully filling your senses and turning your brain into mush.

he held your body in his arms and your heart in his eyes as he stared down at you.

and this time, you both risked a shot as your lips softly collided with each others.

basking in the moonlight as you conveyed your true feelings through gentle motions of your lips.

it was soft, sweet, and it felt like a happy summer day.

lee felix was the manifestation of the sun, but he shined only for you.

he was your golden boy.

mastertag: @leagreenly @geniejunn @90s-belladonna

[klorophile]

I am in serious need of a rewatch (especially about anything that is not Jinx-related sorry we all have our favs u_u') but if I may: I would say no. For them both. Viktor doesn't know about the Shimmer factory boy, Jayce doesn't know about Sky. And that's a point.

For both events, it's something that is very big, and that warrants to be spoken about to your science bro, on more than one account (for one they both need to talk about it and they are friends and this is what friends are for, for second to maintain such a strong friendship it is best to be honest about what's going on), but I think that neither Jayce nor Viktor told the other, and I think that those scenes are also used to show a rift that's widening between them.

I think that what the narration wants us to understand is that we are at a turning point because Hextech is operational, which is great, and with that come consequences, which is more problematic than when their dream was just formulas on a board and experiments behind closed doors.

In the past: science and magic was a dream and a purpose VS In the present: science and magic are politics and war, and out of control now that other people are reaching for it.

In a way, when the dream is reached, it is gone... And I think that both Jayce and Viktor would like to go back to before when it was less complicated, but those two deathes are their points of no return. They both commited something that is so not themselves that they want to deny it, especially to the eyes of their bro, because they both don't want to disappoint each other. They fear they will lose the full acceptance they had with what they've done, so they prefer hiding it as long as possible.

The way I see it, I think they would both take "he is too busy with other things for me to put this on his shoulders, and he wouldn't understand anyway" as an excuse, but it's also very much about denial. Like they both very much take the responsibility of what they've done, but they won't go as far as telling the person that matters the most because that would make it too real. When they are together, magic is a dream and it's fantastic ; but if they mention murder out loud, they would be admitting that the dream is now irremediably tainted by reality, and they basically can't go back to "childhood"... Because their partnership was precisely all about a dream that went beyond reality. It's a change that goes with loss and marring.

They both doubt that the other will still accept them without an ounce of disappointment or resentment to taint that bond after what happened.

In this, I think they really echo Vi and Powder: how Vi still calls Jinx "Powder" and wants to see her as the innocent little sister she left behind, how Jinx says "I thought that you would still love me even though I'm different, but you've changed too" in a bad way.

Jayce and Viktor would be the same: they don't want to admit that they've grown up, that something has slowly slipped and changed, because it's always hard to accept change. (change with each other, but inside themselves and what they consider their moral limits too)

The fact that Jayce goes to Mel while Viktor is on his own opposes them well in showing how different they will be after having been so alike. Jayce is a public figure like a knight in white shining armor, while Viktor is making do on his own like the Zaunite that he is. And those situations that they find themselves in will keep on widening the rift, and that will be out of their control.

And I could have seen Sky's disappearance being played on in season 2 but I suddenly remembered that Piltover's tower is about to explode (talk about denial) so maybe people are going to be too busy for one (1) science assistant from the Undercity, but yeah, we could have had a police investigation like wow Viktor is the last to have seen her alive but also he has zero motive but then Jayce sees the Hexcore and is lead to understand the accident and "!!? Vik you didn't think about telling me about this? D:" "Well Jayce you were so busy with politics that you didn't even notice she was gone for a week and a half >:c *gets pants off but it is only to reveal new leg*"

/!\ Also ALSO!! There definitely is a pun to be made about the saying "sky's the limit!" Like at first sky was the limit because everything was possible with their project and they literally found themselves floating in the air once, but now actually yes, Sky was the limit and things have gone too far. They hurt the sky.

Forward, but Never Forget/XOXO - Would Jayce have told...?

Real talk.

Would Jayce have told Viktor about the boy he accidentally killed in Silco's Shimmer-factory?

In FnF, I have him keeping it secret, because a) Viktor's illness is progressing rapidly, and Jayce doesn't want to upset him further, b) he values Viktor's esteem, and their brotherly bond, and doesn't want it marred by the sheer enormity of his mistakes, and c) his kneejerk during moments of distress seems to be to seek out Mel for comfort and counsel instead of have a proper man-to-man talk with his sciencebro.

By that logic, in FnF, Mel knows what Jayce did (she thinks he wasn't at fault and the whole thing was a horrible accident).

Viktor does not know.

Speaking of - would Viktor have told Jayce about Sky? A whole-ass person who works at their lab just disappeared - surely that would warrant questions?

Interested in hearing y'all's thoughts on the matter!

[feanorianethicsdepartment]

"unless you go for the cave thing but that's dumb" what's the cave thing

:cracks knuckles: the cave thing, anon, is an alternate version of how the fëanorians discovered elrond and elros during/after the third kinslaying that's... somewhere in home, probably, i mostly know of it by reputation. it goes (again, as far as i know) that elrond and elros weren't at sirion during the kinslaying at all; they were playing in a cave and a nearby stream outside of town somewhere, which is where maedhros found them - fans tend to extrapolate the situation as them being sent away from sirion for their safety, but i don't actually know if that's part of the passage as written. it's less commonly used in fic than the published silm's framing of the encounter, but i have come across now and then

this... isn't an interpretation of events i particularly care for. on the more petty side of things, i have serious doubts there'd be any such peaceful bubbling brooklets left in beleriand that far into the war. none you could leave a couple of six-year-olds unattended near, anyway. more to the point, i think it... dampens a lot of the really interesting aspects of their characters. sirion is a defining trauma for them, in my eyes, and a lot of the effect it has on them as they grow comes from being there, hearing the screams, smelling the ash, seeing the people they love die. it’s a horrible object lesson that happiness is fragile and evil will always seek to break it, and it’s the reason they hold onto the happinesses they do find, much, much later in life, so tightly. which isn’t to say it wouldn’t affect them if they were off playing in the woods somewhere and only learned about it later, but i do think it would affect them in noticeably different ways

it also does things to their relationship with the fëanorians i don’t particularly care for. it’s very important to me that elrond and elros know what maglor is and what he’s done from the moment they meet, that they know the truth of the third kinslaying from harsh, direct experience, forming a painful subtext to their relationship which for all the love that grows between them never really disappears. but if the twins weren’t at sirion, it suddenly becomes possible to lie to them about what happened there, to soften the worst bits for their young ears and let their regret for doing it overwhelm the fact that they did it anyway. and even if they are completely honest, it’d be so easy for the twins to convince themselves it wasn’t that bad, that they had no choice or they did as little damage as possible. but they did, and they didn’t, and as soon as they come into contact with people outside the fëanorian camp’s bubble the twins will inevitably learn the truth. it’s a lie so big when it gets uncovered it’ll almost certainly shatter their whole relationship, a reveal that the fëanorians are actually the monsters they (whoever ‘they’ is) spent their entire childhood trying to deny they were. that breach of trust makes it so easy to interpret the fëanorians as pure-black villains who gleefully manipulated the twins for decades, easily cast into the dustbin of history as the defeated bad guys of their personal stories. it makes their relationship simple, and y'all how i feel about this relationship being simple

just, in general, i think that if elrond and elros weren’t at sirion for the third kinslaying they’d grow into massively different people, with massively different relationships with their peoples and their pasts. which isn’t to say i couldn’t see an elrond and elros who were off in the cave, but they would be, again, a different elrond and elros. my problem with the cave thing is less with it as a concept per se, and more with how it gets treated as interchangeable

[ventisehe]

crying on their wedding day / genshin impact / part one

this was a request from my old account and i am only transferring it here. there is a part two to this but i got busy with school and organizing my new account, as well as thinking over deleting my old account.

since bennett is fifteen or sixteen, his part will be a little different from the others. with aether, he is hundred years old so his part if just like the rest. this is unedited and i wrote it at night when i was supposed to be farming so please bear with me hehe.

requested by: @bakuhoe-is-my-bakubro

includes: diluc, zhongli, childe/tartaglia, aether, bennett

warning: unedited, not proofread

part two

THOSE WHO WOULD SHED A SINGLE TEAR

     DILUC

       After losing his father and his horrible fall out with Kaeya, Diluc has become a firm believer that a man can truly live as an island, to some extent. As much as possible, he kept to himself and worked alone. Having people share his burdens with him did not appeal to him. In fact, it miffed him, as it made him feel indebted to them.

          He limited his interaction with everyone, especially those who are part of the Knights of Favonius, favoring solitude above else. But of course, this did not entail bad social ethics to others.

    He treated his maids and employees with civility and respect, the same can be said with his patrons whenever he worked behind the counter (it would certainly be bad for his business if he behaved aloof to them) and those he was once close friends with. He always behaved appropriately to them, although he must admit he can be quite insulting to the Knight, he always stood behind an invisible barrier, careful not to cross it and grow attached to anyone.

        He has long given up with amorous relationships. After all, what good would he be as a lover if he could not provide his woman the love and care she deserved? Surely, he cannot let a maiden suffer with his inadequacy as a potential husband. He is aware of how hectic his schedule is (he hardly has enough time for himself so spending time with his lover would be proven difficult) and how poorly he expresses his feelings, thoughts, and emotions. In a relationship, in marriage, communication is the key for it to be successful, and already then, he has failed. He may be a cold man at first glance, but he will not put a woman in s distressing dilemma, not intentionally anyway.

                    Being the richest man in Mondstadt and being considered attractive by many, Diluc was not foreign to having women throw themselves at him, attempting to seduce him. If maintaining a relationship with a woman with his current tribulations was hard, finding a woman who truly love and understand him was even harder. He has no means of deciphering who were pure with their intentions and those who sought him for his money and influence.

     And he accepted his fate without easily, without question. This was the way it was supposed to be in the first place. Diluc Ragnvindr - a lone man, who lived in too big mansion, sleeping on a bed too big for him. It was all he knew. The bright days of his childhood long forgotten.

    But then you came to his life so suddenly.

                          "Master Diluc," Began Jean, a polite smile over her lips. "This is ( Your Name )".

              All it took was for you to give him shy smile to have his walls broken down, and for his heart to yearn for what he has resolutely denied himself of for years. And it twisted him, and not in a way he welcomed.

          Diluc tried so damn hard to push you away. He avoided your presence, and made it his point to show you he wanted nothing to do with you, and made no attempt to cover it and ignored how his heart broke every time your smile fell. He resolutely refused to yield to your sincere advances.

                                     He treated you the same way be treated everyone, to show you how you were no different from everyone. You were just another dot in his life waiting to be erased and thrown in the back of his mind.

                                                       But the harder he pushed, the harder you pulled. In his brightest days and in his darkest days, you have never strayed far and welcomed him with open arms. You always went out of your way for him.

          It was hard not to fall in love with you? Why did you have to make things so difficult?

                        It wasn't too long until he was falling asleep in his bed with you in his embrace, his heart feeling light, warm and content. He hasn't feel like this in a long time - safe, and at home. Diluc found home from someone he tried to push away.

                                      The horror of what could have happened if he had been successful weighed down on him, and it took quite an assurance from you to make him remember that he has failed, and you were his, as he was yours.

                          Back then, he thought your persistence was bothersome. But as he stood at the altar right now, watching you enter with your white wedding dress, he was grateful you never gave up on him.

Diluc cannot describe how beautiful you looked as you graced everyone in the place with your presence.

Your eyes locked with him, and his heart soared in his chest. And when you smiled at him, an excited gleam in your eyes - he cannot help but smile back.

Time cannot be any slower, and the aisle cannot be any longer. And have you always walked this slow? Or were you just teasing him?

Diluc's breath hitched - Perhaps you knew how much he wanted to get this over with so he can have you all to himself in the comfort of his room.

And when he saw you smiling mischievously at him, he knew that he was right.

His words failed to describe how beautiful you looked. His words failed the joy he was feeling. May Barbatos have mercy on him

But the tear that escaped the corner of his eye explained everything.

"Oh, what is this?" His best man whispered beside him, a teasing tone lacing his voice. "Master Diluc is crying. Why, I never thought I'd see the day."

Diluc shot him a glare. "Do not make me regret making you my best man, Kaeya."

Kaeya laughed. "Ah, ah, ah," He chimed. "Your wife won't be pleased if we fight at your wedding day."

A warm and pleasant feeling coursed through him. His wife.

"She's not my wife yet." Said Diluc.

Kaeya looked at you as you walked down the aisle. "And in just a few minutes, I'll have two Ragnvindr to annoy." He patted his brother on the back, smiling a genuine smile for the first time. "Congratulations, Diluc."

     ZHONGLI

       Zhongli, or Rex Lapis for that time, has watched over Teyvat for thousands of years and has witnessed firsthand how kings and tyrants rose and fell, how kingdoms were born, how camaraderie are conducted, how romance makes a man foolish and blinded, how society flourished in the hands of mortals as Archons guarded them from their resting place, and throughout the tales of humans, his eyes has laid upon many beauties.

                   But you? Oh, even the most esteemed bard of all realms could never bring the satisfactory glory to your name and pulchritude.

            How dearly Zhongli missed the unspeakable power, money and authority he had back before he revoked his own position as a deity, keeping a close eye over Liyue and his people. But if ever presented with the opportunity to return to his rightful place as part of the Seven, he shall graciously decline, casting his gaze away and simply returning to your side.

                               After all, what benefit would he gain from it when he already has his heart is content in the possession of a mere mortal, a mortal he loved and adored. He would dream of ever choosing his old power over you, and that can be affirmed when he asked for your hand as the two of you took an evening stroll outside Liyue.

                 He has fallen for you and he cannot rise again. A gentle and kind woman with an understanding and patience which knows no bounds. If not for his revelation that he has accomplished all his duties and has come to decide to resign from his reign, your existence may be another reason for him to take the form or a mortal and ask for your hand.

                      He can still recall that faithful day when he first met you at the harbor. He stood by a high balcony, overlooking Liyue Harbor with arms crossed. The sun beat down against Liyue grounds and his skin, but it also casted an ethereal glow on you as you exited one of the ships that stopoed at the docks. And may he boldly say the sun was outshined that day, and his heart has been taken.

                                         Zhongli can only imagine how many men has chased after you, but failed to woo you.

                   Zhongli understood the concept of love. After all, Liyue and every living being that sought shelter in its walls were close to his heart, but never in his life has he felt the way he felt for you. It was the sort of phenomena he observed between lovers for centuries - unconditional love and care, a sanctuary in the arms of their beloved, an individual to trust and come home to whether the day has been kind or unkind.

           What he thought were trivial matters and the means of mortals for survival he has tasted its sweet flavor, and it was by your hand did he receive it. And he was thankful that you have found him worthy of being with you, and soon, being one with him in the contract of marriage.

And thus came the faithful day, the very day he longed to come ever since you have accepted him as your husband to be, and the day you have dreamt of every night you laid with him.

Zhongli counted the months, weeks, days, and if he had the ability to, minutes until the day of your wedding. He has a calendar in his room and everyday, he enthusiastically crossed out every passing day, watching as his wedding with you grow closer.

And when it finally arrived, Zhongli followed a meticulous routine to prepare himself, using expensive oils and perfume to which the Fatui money has provided splendidly. After all, he wanted to look the best he can for you. You deserved only the best of things, and he shall not hold back on anything to please you.

Though Zhongli, most of the time, was a calm man even under the eye of tribulations, when he stood at the altar in front of his close friends and colleagues, he can't help but feel anxious.

Of course he has no doubt in your love for him. He holds on your every word of love and affection as true, and his love for you was as hard as stone. Rather, it was he who doubted himself and his capabilities.

He wondered if he would be able to take care of you, love you the way you should be, bring a smile to your lips, and a laugh out of your mouth. If he had been Rex Lapis still, he would have easily uphold his duties as your husband. After all, what can an Archon not do?

It would be Childe, his best man, who would console him. He would tell Zhongli he is more than capable to care for you. He has a stable job (not to mention his connection with the Fatui), he was eager to please you and give you about everything if he can, he has a kind heart, he was a man who can manage his time wisely and never choose his profession over you, and above all, he loved you. Not many men can afford the luxury of being this perfect, but Zhongli was no man, not originally at least.

He will be unconvinced of what Childe has said. This unease in him was hard to diminish. Not being enough for you will tear him apart. The thought of it just gnawed at him. Will he make you happy? Will you regret marrying him when you realized life married to him wasn't as you expected?

It was only when the doors opened, and his wide and anticipative eyes darted over to the other end of the place did every little doubt in his mind is erased.

You stood by the entrance wearing the white dress you have fought hard not to show him until this day.

That bright smile on your face, those eyes that shimmered at the sight of him, the faint red on your cheeks - Zhongli did not even notice how love stricken he looked, and nor did he notice a tear cascade from corner of eye.

It was only when Childe stifled a laugh and pointed it out did he feel the dampness at the side of his face.

He forgot how to breathe when you finally stood before him. Even a veil cannot conceal your beauty.

With twinkling eyes, you smiled at him - like he was the only person in the room.

"Are you crying?" You ask playfully.

Zhongli will let out a chuckle, and as he take your hands in his, he said, "In such a beautiful day like this with the loveliest lady in Teyvat before me, how can I not?"

Indeed it was a beautiful day, made better when your lips met his.

He can't stop a few more tears from slipping.

THOSE WHO WOULD BAWL THEIR EYES OUT

     CHILDE/TARTAGLIA

                 Childe understood his duties as a Harbinger even if his playful and flirtatious facade may say otherwise. He kissed hands of women and paid them golden compliments until their mind went hazy with his feigned affection, but he was still a Fatui at the end of the day - a ruthless and greedy scoundrel who had too much Mora in his hands.

              And it was because of his line of work that he decided never to commit himself. If he was to find himself infatuated with a woman and she reciprocated his feelings and desired to pursue a relationship with him, it would inevitably drag her to the dangers entailed to his position.

                                       The last thing he wanted was someone to dear to him to be harmed, not to mention his lover could become his weakness, she could be taken by his enemies and be used against him, thus, making things more complicated and harder for him to fulfill his duties to the Tsaritsa.

             To him, nothing is more important than seeing through his mission with the finest quality of work he can give.

                   So damn you for coming into his life and distracting him. Damn you for bringing another bright to his life. Damn you for taking care of his family when he was gone. Just - damn you for making him fall for you.

      He hated this - the feeling of being weak, of being vulnerable, of laying his guard down. One touch from you and he's no better than the people he despised for being so frail and powerless.

                                              How ever do you possess this prowess to make him so dependent on you, to relish in your voice when you sing to him as the two of you laid together in his bed, how he let his defenses crumble when you whisper his name, the tug of his heart when you he sees you getting along so well with his family.

                          Childe wanted you. He wanted you more than anything and anyone in Teyvat. He was going crazy thinking about you.

             He refused to acknowledge his feelings at first, thinking perhaps he can use you to comfort him and his family in these troubling times. That's all you were supposed to be, a tool for him to make his family feel better whenever he goes off to accomplish his work as a Harbinger.

                              But he couldn't stomach the thought of using you like that. He didn't want you to treat like a toy. And it did not help that one day, when he was returning from a mission, you come rushing to him and blurting out your feelings and your worry for his safety.

               You loved him. Did he hear you right? You love a Fatui, and a Harbinger, no less. Surely, you aren't that stupid to fall for him.

     And yet he smiled a sincere smile at your confession, and he too followed your steps. That night, he was at his weakest. Just relishing in your arms and ridding all the responsibilities over his shoulders. He can forget all his faults for a moment, with you. A peace of mind and heart was found in you.

     Childe watched as you played with his fingers, and then he spoke. “Aren’t you afraid?”

       You hummed. “Afraid? Of what?”

                   Childe shook his head and held your hand which toyed with his digits. You looked up at him, puzzled.

              “Of me.” Said Childe, pulling your hand and holding it close to his chest. He closed his eyes, almost terrified of what your answer can be. “Of what I can bring to your life. I’m a Harbinger, [ Your Name ]. Your life is at stake just being with me. Do you know what you’re in for for loving me?”

                        You gazed at him, and he can’t see anything in your eyes. He let out a small gasp when you leaned in and kissed his cheek.

            “I’m not afraid of you or anything this world can throw at me.” You confessed. “You’re going to protect me, Tartaglia. I know you will. I trust you. I love you.”

                            And fucking hell, did he protect you.

                                          He tried to hide you from his fellow Harbingers, and especially to his enemies. Not because they will use you to get the upper hand against him, a leverage. No, he wanted to hide you, as long as he can anyway (because it won't be long until his secret is out, walls do have ears), to protect you. No one will lay a hand or even get a single strand of your hair. May the Archons have mercy on anyone who dares put you in the middle of the dangers of his job, because he surely won't.

Because of this, you and Childe decided to get married in secret, with no one else but Zhongli, the traveler, and their floating companion to be your witnesses in becoming one. The two of you knew well of the consequences your decision shall birth, but it's the one you're making. Nothing in this can stop Childe from making you his wife, and treating you as such.

Childe could not wait for the ceremony to begin. Even with such a small crowd - very small indeed - he did not hold back to make this day special for you. The finest of everything is what you deserved, and if he could give more, he would. But for now, all he can give you is himself, and he dearly wished he was enough.

The whole time, as he waited for you to emerge from the doors of the small cathedral the two of you chose to be wed in, he kept imagining how his life would be like with you.

Waking up beside you was the thing he looked forward to the most. When the sunrays peeked from closed curtains and cascaded down your slumbering form, a gentle and even breaths leaving your lips, a soft expression of rest - the thought of it filled his heart with warmth, a kind of warmth only you can evoke from him.

Waking up at your side on his bed always reminded him thst you were indeed there, and his. Soon, he'll be waking up beside you with a soft smile on his lips, a reminder that you were there, but now as his wife.

Childe never really considered him emotional. It was part of his discipline as a Harbinger never to let his emotions get the better of him. But when you stepped into the cathedral wearing the wedding dress you personally chose and had hidden from him for so long, a veil over your face but the soft smile still just as bright as the morning sun, it all came crashing down to him.

Childe wanted a lot of things in life. But what he wanted the most was to spend the rest of his life with you - providing for you, protecting you, comforting you, falling deeper in love with your every single day. All this he will do until his dying breath, and he knew you'd do the same.

His dream was walking towards him, never taking her eye off him as she approached the altar.

He can hear Paimon clapping and the Traveler reprimanding her for being a little too loud. He can hear Zhongli saying something to him but he couldn't understand a word he said. But he was too lost in his realization that you're going to marry him.

You chose him, a man with too many faults and imperfections.

Just as you arrived at the small steps leading towards the altar, the tears Childe has been trying to hold back streamed down his face, small hiccups escaping his lips.

You stared at him, worried. "Tartaglia, are you alright?"

Childe would try to formulate an answer but through his tears and hiccups, he couldn't make a single comprehensible word. His posture was regal and proper, as though he was trying to fool everyone that he wasn't crying.

How can you ask if he was alright? How can his heart handle how beautiful you looked right now?

"Excuse me, ( Your Name )," Zhongli interjected as he stepped beside Childe. "It seems that your soon to be husband needs a moment to collect himself. Please, excuse us."

Zhongli led Childe back to his room, and the Harbinger did not fight back. He was still crying even when the doors has closed behind him. Zhongli stood by the door, watching the Fatui sit on his bed, trying to stop himself from bawling.

Childe can feel guilt crawling up to him as he realized what he had done. What was supposed to the most perfect day, your most perfect day, was ruined because of him.

He was scared to think what you thought of him now. Were you resenting him for what happened? Did you still wish to marry him?

If only he had controlled his emotions much better. He shouldn't have let his joy break through him in tears.

"She was crying too, you know," Spoke Zhongli.

Childe raised his head to look at the former Archon. "Huh?"

"Your bride, she - " He smiled at him. " - she was crying too. She's happy to be marrying you."

Childe can feel his heart hammering against his chest in delight at what he said.

"So don't keep her waiting."

Childe bawled his eyes out once more when the words - "I do," - left your lips.

     AETHER

                 When his sister was taken from him, Aether was a lost and wandering soul in Teyvat with the sole purpose of finding her.

              Throughout his journey, he met different people from different regions. He learned their values and cultures, he grew to love the world he used to be a stranger to, he was able to utilize different sorts of Visions, and yet, despite all of this, Aether was lonely. Paimon - bless her pure soul - tried her best to keep his spirits and bring a smile to his face (he assumed she too felt the hollowness inside of him) but it was all futile as he often find himself seeking solitude and gazing out in an open field wondering where his twin could be and how she was fairing on her own.

                He will let the cool breeze comfort him, but all it left was a searing kiss of reality that his search might have been all for naught. That very concept his mind was conjured haunted him in his every waking days. Is he still journeying through Teyvat and reaching out to all Archons with a solid purpose? Was he no wasting his time looking high and low for someone who could not be looking at the sky as he?

                     "And what if she is?"

                                     Your words is what got his attention. Aether met you in the evening when the stars and the moon was absent from the skies. He sat on a fallen log overlooking the city of Mondstadt, alone and cold. Paimon has insisted in him accompanying him, but he had snuck away before she can chase after him. He needed to be alone with his thoughts, and with the scarce time he has for himself, he has to make the most of every night that comes.

                 Lumine was in his mind, and worry was gnashing its teeth at him. He was deep in his own world, sinking to the hands of his tragic thoughts, that he did not hear footsteps trekking the hillock he was at. Nor did he realize he was speaking his own worries in the air, eyes distant and staring blankly at nothing.

       "What if she's not even looking for me?" That's what he remembered saying that time.

                                       Then you made your presence known with an answer that refuted his initial thought. He whirled his head to the side, wide eyes with surprise. You stood next to him with a faint smile, hands behind your back and the moon slowly peeking from the shroud of clouds. A light in the darkness, the moon was. And so you were you to him.

                "Sorry," You apologized, sheepishly giving him a smile as you rubbed the back of your neck. "I didn't mean to interrupt. You were speaking out loud and-and I just had a feeling I needed to say something." You took in a deep breath, and Aether found the pink dusting your cheeks adorable. "I . . . I'll just go now - "

              Aether didn't regret asking you to stay.

                                   Before you came to his life, Aether did not know how much he was dwelling in the own hell he made. His inner tribulations, his worries, his insecurities - he only took notice the torture he was putting on himself when you keep saving him from his own mind.

                   At first, all he thought of you was a precious friend - someone he leaned on and entrusted with everything, whether it be secrets or help with his quests. He told you about his past, his twin, how exactly he was different from the people of Teyvat, how he and sister fought an unknown god, how she slipped from his fingers when he reached out for her, how much he wanted her back. He was terrified of what you may think of him when he told you these things, but to his surprise, all you did was wrap him in your arms and comforted him.

                                      Along with Paimon, you were his dearest friend.

             But as time passed, the longer you accompany him and Paimon in his travels, he noticed something strange. The way his heart skipped a beat when you smile at him, how he can't keep his eyes off you when you laugh at one of his tales, how his heart hammered ceaselessly when you press a chaste kiss on his cheek, the relief that seeps in his system when he sees you unscathed from a battle, how irritated he becomes when someone makes an offense against you, the joy that seizes him when he listens to you talking about something you loved, and how much he adored it when you scold him for being a little too reckless in fighting.

                           Aether, despite being older than he seems, did not know what to make of what he was feeling. It was strange, a good kind of strange - the kind of feeling that makes him feel like he was floating in the sky. All he thought of it was an overwhelming adoration for a friend. Nothing more, nothing less.

                  It wasn't until Paimon pointed it out did he realize what he was feeling for you.

                                           Upon learning his feelings for you, Aether couldn't sleep for many nights. He was plagued with the desires of his heart and his insecurities. It was like falling back to the same hellish pattern before you came along.

              He was in this world for one reason only - to find his twin. And when he does - and he fucking will - he will depart from here with her and continue their travels. Leaving you was the last thing he wanted. He couldn't bear the thought of it. It felt like leaving a piece of him behind in Teyvat, a hole in the shape of your name.

                            The solution he had for this is directly confessing to you. Of course, the blond was a nervous wreck when he approached you and asked for a moment of your time. Paimon knew of his plan and wandered away for the time being, wanting to give the two of your privacy.

              If you did not share the same feelings as he, he can already imagine the pain he will have to deal with, but it'll be much easier to leave. At least then he knows you won't be as hurt as he thought once he takes his leave. He never entertained the idea of you reciprocating his feelings. It would be foolish to - surely you can't find anything appealing with someone like him ; to which you rendered him speechless and a bumbling mess when you pressed your lips against his when he was in the middle of his confession.

                                 Aether shouldn't be this happy with you. He loved you too much to see you hurt when he tells you that he must leave. He was not welcome in this world, he was an outsider, a being not under the authority or influence of any Archons.

     But still, he spent months loving you, caring for you, doing anything to come back to you no matter what is thrown at him. He loved having you in his arms when you slept, he loved watching the stars with you at night, he loved you even with the inevitable arguments you two have - Aether was utterly and hopeless in love with you.

                     And thus, he decided to tell you what will happen after he finds his sister.

                      He knew he would be heart broken in seeing you cry, but it hurt more to see you smile at to him so genuinely and embraced him, saying, "You used to doubt you'll ever find your sister. It broke my heart everyday seeing you so hopeless, and I - " You composed yourself, shaking your head as your tried to gather your thoughts. " - now look at you," You cupped his cheek, the corners of your eyes wrinkling as your smile broadened. "I always knew the day will come when you have to leave me. When you told me you weren't from this world, I knew then I'll have to let go of you someday. But until that day comes - Aether - "

               What a shock it came to him when you got down on one knee and presented to him a glittering ring - there was unconditional love and hope in your eyes. It was like looking back at his reflection. "Marry me, Aether, let me make you happy for the rest of the days we still have remaining until you leave."

                                   Aether can never say no to you.

To his surprise, Master Diluc has already agreed to host your wedding at Dawn Winery. Aether was puzzled as to why he seemed unsurprised by the news of his engagement with you, and the Claymore wielding male answered, "( Your Name ) came to me for help when she planned to propose to you."

Aether knew Diluc, as much as possible, wanted to be alone. A lone wolf, he was. But with gratitude for what he has done, he asked him to be his best man. Diluc was startled by this requests but obliged. The red head might not show it but he was immensely flattered by Aether asking him to be his best now (and now time to subtly show it off to Kaeya).

At the day of the wedding, contrary to what he thought he would feel, Aether woke up with his an ache in his chest. He found himself looking out the window of his room, torn between his happiness and sorrow.

In a few hours, Aether will be able to adorn a ring on your finger, symbolizing your promises with one another. He shall be granted the sole blessing of calling your his wife. It was something he was looking forward to - seeing you in your wedding dress, watching as you walk down the aisle -

But Aether's mind kept drifting back to his sister - She would have wanted to be here. He thought.

Aether felt like he was committing a crime when he decided to take a walk just hours before his wedding. But he needed to clear his mind. Lumine never left his mind. He always thought that they would always be there for one another, or at least in big moments like this.

And yet she was still nowhere to be seen.

Is she still alive? Have I been wasting time? Is she still in danger? Is she lost in Teyvat as well?

"Didn't expect to run into you here."

His body tensed when he heard your voice, and he twirled around only to have his breath taken away.

You stood before him in the white dress he had longed to see ever since you proposed to him. He thought he would see a frown on your face, dismayed for his impromptu walk, but you wore a soft smile - a soft and understanding smile.

Aether did know what to say to you. He just stared at you, overwhelmed.

He opened his mouth to speak but he couldn't say anything. His shoulders slumped, and he sighed.

You approached him and kissed his cheek. He hummed in delight, eyes closing. "I hope you're not having second thoughts on marrying me." You told him.

Aether was quick to respond. He took your hand in his and kissed your knuckles. He looked into your eyes with affirming hues, "There is nothing I'm more sure of than marrying you."

You beamed at him. Seeing your face brighten up is always a beautiful sight for Aether, and it was enough for him to feel enlightened in the midst of his internal crisis.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Of course you can already tell something is bothering him. Aether shook his head. He has already ruined a small part of what is supposed to be a perfect day, he can't risk another mistake.

"I'm not going to push you to tell me anything." You stated.

Aether smiled. "Thank you." He replied. He gazed at you for a little while, taking you in. "Why are you out here anyway? And in your wedding dress too."

Your eyes widened and you looked down to assess his evaluation. "Oh Archons," You mewled. "I forgot I was wearing this." You let out a groan. "Great, now my surprise is ruined. I won't be able to see you cry when you see me walk down the aisle."

He laughed a little. "But still happy as ever to see you." He said. "So why are you outside?"

"Just . . . " You began, and Aether can detect a hint of nervousness in your voice. " . . . picking some flowers."

"I thought we already ordered flowers." Aether thought, frowning. "Did someone forget to deliver the flowers? I can call someone if - "

"No, I just wanted to pick some flowers, randomly. Like how you wanted to take a walk, randomly."

He looked at you with hesitant eyes. He didn't believe you. There was something hidden behind your motive to be out here. But like how you didn't press him with what was the problem, he did the same for you.

"Okay," He breathed out. "What flowers did you pick then?"

Aether's breath hitched when you pulled out a bundle of Windwheel Asters and several more flowers that was all too familiar with him.

He stared at the white flowers that combined with your Windwheel Asters, the very flowers that he remembered adorned his sister's hair.

"Aether? Aether are you okay?"

He stared at you with glistening eyes, his heart blossoming with adoration and gratitude. Without even meaning to, you managed to make everything alright.

"Yeah," He smiled at you. "I'm okay."

Aether thought when he stood at the altar, he would have Diluc trying to soothe his nerves as his insecurities slowly sink in his mind. But it didn't happen. Diluc merely stood by him with a relaxed expression, glancing at him every now and then.

"You don't look nervous at all." Diluc remarked.

Aether chuckled. "This is the only decision I fully know I won't regret."

Aether felt like it was his first time seeing you in your wedding dress. His heart was filled with the brim with utmost joy, but what caught his attention was the bouquet of flowers in your hands.

You told him before that you will have roses as your bouquet, but to his surprise, he can see the Windwheel Asters and the white flowers that reminded him of his sister.

His emotions was all over the place. He had no idea how he could look so calm. Somehow he managed to hold himself together until you finally stood before him.

When you stared at him behind the veil, he couldn't take it anymore. You were too perfect. How could he be so blessed with you?

Tears sprung to his eyes when you reached out to take his hands in yours. He retracted one of them to rub his arm across his eyes, wiping away the wetness that streamed to his face.

Why am I crying like a child in my wedding? Stop it!

He couldn't.

He only cried harder when you leaned forward, removed his arm from his eyes, made him look into your vibrant hues, to give a small peck on his lips - "You're okay, Aether."

     BENNETT

                 Bennett understood his bad luck more than anyone. He had lived with and through it his entire life he graced the surface of the earth. It was almost pitiful to see the boy smiling ever so brightly as misfortune after misfortune comes hurtling his way, but to him? It was an everyday and normal occurrence, nothing he hasn't seen or experienced before. His spirits has never let their roaring flame vanish, however, and if it had not been for his bad luck, everyone would have been drawn to his warm, welcoming, affable, and cheerful soul.

                                 But just because he was used to the constant array of debacle thrown his way, doesn't mean there were never days where he won't be upset over everything it brought to his life, and others as well, and wonder how long it will take until his unluckiness will lead him back to the very situation he was rescued from when he was a mere baby.

          He forgot how long it was when he had experienced something good, miraculously so. The only time he can recall being so was when he encountered the Honorary Knight, convened with them as a temporary adventure team, and found a treasure chest containing items he has only dreamed of in his sleep deep within a domain. However, that was many moons ago, and nothing has ever compared to it ever since. The moment he departed from the Honorary Knight, his bad luck came instantly to bite him.

                 It was far too long ago. Sometimes, Bennett wondered if that would be the only good thing that can happen to him in his lifetime, and thank the Archons he was wrong because the very worst day that came upon him is a day he will never exchange for another - the day he met you. When it was raining, thunder in the distance, lightning striking trees and soil, his bruised and bleeding form hardly covered under a small and flimsy tent, you graced him with your presence, and an umbrella which you used to cover both of you.

                                    He had never stopped admiring you ever since. His eyes always followed you, wide and shining. He remembered the warmth in his chest and the redness tinting his cheeks when you brought him to your abode and treated his wounds with care gentler than the Deaconess. When he told you what happened to him, he anticipated to he shoved out of the house immediately and have your front door slammed on his face, but you did not. When he warned you about his curse, telling you how you will be affected when you spend a little too much time with him, the look of fright did not cross your visage and you even insisted that he not leave your house until you were sure he was capable of moving without pain, even if you had instantly been affected by his unluckiness (you pricked your finger quite badly when you were stitching a deep wound of his. He always felt guilty for that and has not stopped offering his apologies whenever it pricks the corner of his mind).

                   Other than the team of adventurers who had saved him from peril when he was a baby, it was difficult to find someone who will stay with him, through bad times and more of it. One cannot simply imagine and comprehend the confusion and happiness that seized him when he found out you were spending more and more time with him, not out pity but because you enjoy his company (which was weird, but he'll take it).

                              You possessed no Vision, but Bennett never saw you in an inferior light. In fact, it impressed him how you can hold yourself without the aid of any power. Enemies took a little longer to eradicate but ultimately, you were always successful. He held you in high regard, and very much like a certain blond traveler, the poor boy thought it was merely friendship and respect he felt towards you. After all, wouldn't a friend accompany him in his adventures no matter what disappointing or gratifying the outcome is? Wouldn't a friend prepare meals for him before he goes off on a solo expedition? Wouldn't a friend stay up late up waiting for him to return after? Wouldn't a friend welcome him by the entrance of Mondstadt upon his arrival? Wouldn't a friend give him butterflies in his stomach? Wouldn't a friend make his heart pound in a way

                  It had taken the Traveler and his floating companion for Bennett to learn about how exactly he was feeling for you.

           He liked you, and not in the way he liked the traveler or Razor - he liked liked you.

                               When he realized about his feelings, Bennett nearly short circuit every time you go near him. His face flush a rich color of vermillion, his confident posture stripped down to a coy and uncertain stance, his eyes darted and never meeting yours for too long, a sheepish smile painted over his brims - Bennett had never felt this way before. It was foreign to him - liking someone - and it was worse for him because you were his one of his few friends (you, Razor, the Traveler and their floating friend), and having you withdraw from him if you ever learned his feelings frightened him more than any Ruin Guard could.

    He didn't bother entertaining the idea of you returning his feelings. With his bad luck, it was bound to end in a rejection, and he didn't believe he had the heart to accept the hurt that would come.

                 Bennett tried to keep his feeling a secret, he really, genuinely, did. He locked his feelings for you in a box and stowed away somewhere behind his mind. But it didn't take you too long to catch on. Bennett's theatrics wasn't as impenetrable as he originally thought because there was no other reason for you to corner him in a street in Mondstadt after he tried to avoid crossing paths with you, and admit your feelings to him.

                                  "( Your Name )," Stuttered Bennett, eyes darting to the side to avoid your eyes as he pressed his back against the wall behind him. You gazed at him, a tint of red over your cheek.

                 Archon, how are you so adorable?

                   "Uh, hi," He greeted meekly, as he rubbed the back of his head. "I-I was just about to leave for an adventure - "

                               "Bennett," You spoke, and he froze at the tone of your voice.

                   He looked at you properly, gulping. Shy eyes, shy smile, shy, shy, shy - and yet somehow, Bennett thought the worse - that you found out about his feelings and was about to turn him down.

          He almost got down on his knees and press his hands together in a praying position, head bowed, and beg to keep your friendship. It didn't matter if you did not share his feelings. You were more important than his stupid feelings. He can deal with the hurt of rejection that will soon to come, but losing you completely? Can he even come to terms with that?

                                But before he can do such humiliating display, you leaned in and pressed a kiss on his cheek,

                  It was almost too good to be true, and with someone like him, Bennett had to take a moment to comprehend what has happened. His feelings were reciprocated, opposite of what should have been considering his dilemma. How can this be? He was sure your friendship would be put to an end when you learn about what he felt for you. How did you even know that he liked you? Has he been too obvious? Surely not (he was). Perhaps you were merely toying with him, discovering his feelings and choosing to use it as a way to alleviate your boredom -

                                           Horror struck him when he processed the message behind his doubt. How could he think so little of you? Someone as sweet and kind as you would be repulsed by the intention of the actions he thought you were presenting to him. Prideful as this may sound, Bennett believed he knew you enough to know you were sincere in everything you do.

            But even if both your feelings are revealed to be mutual, the two of you agreed to wait until a certain age before forming a romantic relationship. The two of you are young and there are a lot more the world can offer outside Mondstadt. There are countless of opportunities to grow and be mature, to be able to have a set of qualities to take of one another.

                            But that didn't mean the two of you easily managed to hold back showcasing your favor for the other. Bennett will always find himself exchanging secret glances and smile with you whenever a third party joins in on your adventure. He would stick by your side in situations he think could potentially lead you to a major injury. He will attempt (and fail, unfortunately) to whip you up with something delicious when he has free time. And you did the same to him.

                  With you, there was never a time where his heart wasn't beating against his chest. He can't stop himself from bounding recklessly through his adventures whenever you accompany him, although he will still keep a close eye on you just in case something bad happens to you (but it's always him who ends up injured).

                                              But what he liked the most are the kisses the two of you share. Short, chaste, and shy - whether it be behind closed doors, when others are looking away, or when the two of you set of on an adventure.

            Bennett would lay in his bed with a smile on his face, his thundering heart preventing him from sleeping. He'll often find himself burying his face against his pillow, grinning from ear to ear.

                         This smile was different. This wasn't smile that he usually wore, the kind of smile that persevered through hardship after another. No, it was the sort of smile that was too carefree and too full of utmost joy, no worries or doubts in his heart. Everyday he always woke up to the excitement of adventure, but now, the excitement of it and seeing you once again always had him brimming with the want for the night to be over with so he can chase after his dreams with you. Chasing his dreams with you, what a life.

      His world is full of a bad luck, but he thanked the Archons for giving him someone he can depend on in the troubling waters he always he seem to drown in.

Bennett, embarrassing it may sound, often laid on his bed imagining about marrying you.

He can see himself making a fool out of himself when he gets down on one knee and propose to you. It'll be set in the most beautiful place he discovered in one of his adventure, somewhere quiet. Like maybe on top of a mountain overseeing a vast field.

Because of his bad luck, he'll try to prepare for every outcome. To be very sure everything will be saved, he made sure he created a plan B for his plan A, a plan C for his plan B, and so on, and so forth.

He can imagine himself fumbling over his words, blushing a bright red was made prominent because of his white hair, holding a bunch of hand picked flowers a little too tightly, sweat pouring from his face, his suit and hair a little ruffled -

If you say yes (spoiler alert, you will), he will most probably go haywire with shock and happiness, causing him to drop the ring down the mountain, and the two of you will spend quite some time looking for it. But in the end, you two will find it somewhere deep underground or deep underwater (to which you will ask help to retrieve) (Bennett offered to go down to get the ring but you can’t take any chances) and then you can start planning the wedding.

If Bennett had backup plans for his proposal, then expect there'll be much more backups with your wedding. He needed this day to be perfect for you, and his bad luck won't stop him from providing it for you. Even if he had to fight through horde after horde of Hilichurls (please stop him when he does, he definitely will do that for you), making you happy is his top priority.

Bennett will be extremely anxious the day before the wedding. He'll be pacing around his room, and has half a mind of running over to your place and spending the night there to reassure himself that you still want to marry him, and that you’re absolutely sure you want to spend the rest of your life with him. It will be Razor - who the Traveler spent hours teaching the basic information of the role of Best Man to - who will calm his nerves. He’ll stop Bennett from reaching your house and carry him back to his own, and giving him a lecture (he did his best) like the best man he was.

Was he having second thoughts on marrying you? No way! He will just be nervous about how the wedding will go. With his bad luck, something horrible is bound to happen.

At the day of the wedding, Bennett can imagine himself constantly seeking reassurance from his best man.

"What if I mess up?" Questions Bennett to Razor, anxious hands fiddling with his tie.

"Messing up is . . . normal." Razor will reassure him, but Bennett will shake his head.

“But it's me. When I mess up, it's always . . . catastrophic . . . ”

Bennett hoped that at least for his wedding way, everything will go smoothly. A perfect day, for you and for him. He won't embarrass you or himself. He won't forget the rings, he won't have his clothes tucked inside out, he will not spill any food or drinks on himself or on his guests, there will be no random Hilichurl attacks - none of that.

He really hoped for the Archons to spare him from his bad luck. 

He will be able to stand by the altar with confidence and a smile, waiting for you to walk down the aisle.

As Bennett is consumed with his thoughts, his eyes drew to the small table at the side of his bed and caught sight of the picture of the two of you perched on the surface. It was a picture you took with a kamera after one of his adventures. The two of you smiling happily as he showcased the loot of vegetables and wheat he gathered in numerous luxurious chests. It was good day, that picture was. He found more resources than usual. Of course, he learned from the Traveler that most of the chest they found contained treasures but hey, vegetables are better than nothing, right?

Bennett stared at your smiling face and can feel the heat creep on his cheeks as he imagined you in a pretty, white wedding dress, smiling at him so shyly and cute - oh, Archons, help him. May them have mercy on him. Of course, you always looked pretty to him - so, so pretty - but in your wedding day? Archons, he doesn't know if he can take that. It'll be too much for his big heart.

He can only imagine how your wedding will play out, but there is one thing he was sure of and that is that he will burst into tears once he laid his eyes upon you - and not the soft cry most men do in their wedding, oh, not at all like that. His heart is too big with too much love for you, and too soft to control his emotions properly.

Bennett will cry (bawl, actually), his tears of joy coming in streams, and it was loud enough for strangers to think he was grieving over a deceased loved one. He was hiccupping and sobbing, will probably be holding on to his vest tightly as if his entire lifeline depended on the pressure of how he crumpled the fabric. He hoped that in that time, Razor or the Traveler will lend him a hand and calm him down before he can ruin his own wedding.

Bennett, as he happily imagined that fateful day to come in the future (spoilers again, it will) did not feel a tear slip from the corner of his eye as he drifted off to a pleasant slumber with a beaming smile.

The boy absolutely adores you.

[dmclemblems]

Shahid, entirely new character, could've done anything with him: *is a stupid, violent brute*

Nader, a character who had liked battle but was overall just pretty chill: *is a pillaging, violent brute*

Claude, whose entire character relied on diplomacy over violence, looking for the truth whenever possible, and only using violence as a last resort: *is an ignorant, violent brute*

Cyril, the one named Almyran who avoids the above three's characterization: *isn't playable, gets killed with no one on the player side giving a shit*

House Goneril's enslavement of Almyrans: *never once mentioned*

Nader's pillaging: *had to be denounced by a Fodlan character, not an Almyran one*

okay so like um when can we admit that maybe Hopes' writers are Just Racist and that's why Claude got so fucked over since he didn't fit into their obvious opinions about how he (as an Almyran, who are heavily inspired by Middle Eastern/East Asia influences and who are typically written with these exact stereotypes) "should" be. of course not saying that everyone who like Hopes Claude is a racist, but i'm sorry i just can't give that benefit of the doubt to Hopes' writers when their treatment of Almyra is THIS consistently bad throughout the game

Tbh I always try not to get into the racism issue because I know it’s a sensitive topic for a lot of people, but as someone who is part Middle Eastern it’s definitely been jarring to see. I try not to get super irritable about it because it’s a video game made in Japan (and they’re definitely not as open minded as the west is with this stuff and are often ignorant of actual facts, even if they mean no harm by stereotypes because it’s what they know. I know a series that I’ve loved since childhood and still do love as much as FE, but it’s a 90s series with stereotypes all over the place. I don’t believe the creator actually did it as an insult, but that he didn’t know any better (especially since the recent remake did try to improve on some of it). For this game in particular I’m not sure what their mindset was when making it, if they’re just ignorant and/or just didn’t care.

Lots of people were also angry when the leaks came out, and it frustrated me how people kept saying “stay calm, we don’t know if the leaks are true!” because I checked the script that had gone public (literally the entire game script was leaked, so people saying that were either just in denial or didn’t want to accept the fact that it was happening this way). The fact that people looked away when a lot of us were angry at the obviously true script still pisses me off to this day tbh, because so many people were just shoving down anyone’s concerns about what was leaked.

Personally, I did go through a good bit of the script (which I still have somewhere) and I actually stumbled on Claude declaring war on Fodlan from the bad SB route. It made me so angry how people kept trying to deny what was obviously there, and there’s no way anyone was so dedicated to writing that massive of a script to fake a leak. The amount of files was absolutely batshit, and it was also extremely messy and unclear as to who the speakers were, just the way you’d expect a bunch of files like that to look.

What angered me about it wasn’t just that Claude’s character got fucked by a cactus a few double digit times until he was unrecognizable in the second half, but that the only main brown character was the one who is arguably the worst of the three lords. In this game in particular the devs tried to keep Edelgard’s hands clean as much as possible, presumably because of her popularity, and so made Claude the one where players could lay blame on the misfortunes of the game. There’s only so much that Rhea can blamed for in a game where she’s hardly even present, even in the one route where you’re allied with her.

If it was only Claude I might have eventually just figured maybe it was an extremely unfortunate accident, and since we already knew Claude had a lot of problems growing up and that he was basically The Estranged Child, I could’ve passed off Shahid’s behavior. When it got around to Nader’s characterization being butchered and the Almyran NPC saying normally they could pillage and all that but he “guesses the Alliance’s rules are different”, that’s when it was just totally in the territory of not giving a shit about the Almyrans’ writing for me.

When things come from Japan, there’s an amount of tolerance I’ve built up for any unfortunate stereotypes and whatnot, but when it’s very clearly every character from that location, it goes into the territory of believing some places’ people all behave the same way.

It’s sad for me because I love Three Houses’ characters and I want to love Hopes’ new characters, but considering what a dumpster fire everything but AG was, it’s kinda a bitter aftertaste.

[gruviasilversblog]

First of all, I want to say that Juvia is my favorite character but I too am not very satisfied with the role Mashima gave her. To me Juvia is a lovely girl and a good person. She's messed up without a shadow of a doubt, but most Fairy Tail characters are. She has a bad relationship with herself, I agree, on the unhealthy relationship part, no. Having lived a solitary life he was not able, at the beginning, to relate well with others so he tended to make mistakes.

I have to admit in regards to whether or not Juvia killed while in Phantom is a question I often ask myself and it's possible that she did, how is it possible that she didn't. I don't think Juvia was cruel, I think she had a mask on and forced herself to be cruel, as life had been to her up to that point.On an arc of development for her, I totally agree! She deserves it! She's one of the characters that deserves it the most! Unfortunately, however, I understood that we would not have it and maybe it's for the best, you know? authors gave my favorite characters an arc, a backstory and it turned out to be totally a delusion. I don't know, maybe it's better if we fans continue to do it, because then the canon would ruin something, I'm afraid.

I can understand you on the odyssey because I too have my own version of Juvia's past and it's quite difficult to explain. It's a mess!

That Juvia has always been in love with the idea of ​​love, that's a huge yes. I agree. But then she also really fell in love, and I'm sorry about that, but it's undeniable. Everyone can think as they want, yes, it's your version and you have the right to have it, but I want to point out that Juvia is really in love and it's reciprocated in the end.

I agree that she has had social problems in the past and is still very insecure about herself. I really like the idea that she always leaves the guild so as not to annoy her and that Lucy and Natsu are always by her side, it's a very nice idea.

Even the idea you have of Gajuvia is nice, although I have a slightly different idea of ​​their relationship, which I love.

On the S-class rank I totally agree. Unfortunately many forget about it. I also agree on the Water Lock, it's my favorite technique, in my opinion he could literally do everything with that technique, it's a pity that Mashima doesn't let him use it anymore.

About her childhood, I also think she wasn't beautiful and she suffered a lot and that's where all her problems come from.

Oh God, on this that she tried to remove her magic I agree too and in fact it is integrated into one of the many chapters of my fic about her past "Juvia of the Great Sea-The Phantom Queen". This is a nice coincidence. I'm curious to know what you have in mind because I have many ideas about it (I haven't written the chapter yet, I left when Josè found it and I just finished the one where Bora left it and from now these problems will start,lol). I totally agree with the fact that he thought about ending it too. I totally see myself trying to end his pain and misery! But I am of the opinion that all this happened during Phantom, I know that many think it happened before but I have this idea that it happened during.

I have this idea instead that Juvia is not an ambitious person, that she doesn't care about being strong but only being loved and happy. I don't see her as obsessed, I think she has had problems socializing, but no obsession. I think Gruvia's initial way was wrong, in fact, I only started shipping them during the Tenrou arc, before that it seemed a bit too much. I believe in love at first sight, but I also believe that it is a feeling that builds over time... it's a bit difficult to explain. I don't deny that Juvia and Gruvia have flaws, it's true, but I've learned to love them anyway, because we all have flaws. Sorry, I'm lost. Lol.

Whether she's romantic, who loves small gestures of affection, who's clumsy and loves children, I agree. I also agree that she is a manual girl, I hate how in the anime they made her an idiot who can't cook, because in my opinion she is excellent in the kitchen and her biscuits are the best in all of Fiore, Lol. I had never thought about painting, but now that you mention it, it's very possible. I totally agree about sewing! Even on her emotional and sensitive personality, happy, sad and angry I agree.

I totally agree about the relationships with the others, with the Thunder Legion. I think she and Evergreen are very good friends. And please, I literally love Laxvia not only as a brotp but also as a crackship. Yes, Laxus is one of my favorite characters and he's sexy too! We absolutely deserve more Gajuvia moments and also with Lucy, with Cana, with Erza, with Mira, with Lisanna, with Meredy, with Natsu, with everyone. I too think Juvia and Mira are very similar, I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who thinks so.

If you were to write a fic about this, I would read it. I like reading Juvia fics with different versions, because it's cool and it's totally different from hate.

Juvia for the character bingo?

I adore Juvia, I’m the only one who can speak about her and I know her better than anyone, even Mashima himself.

No, ok, of course I'm kidding, but premise: if you are a Juvia-and-Gruvia stan, this post is not for you, because I don't care about the version of a perfect and adorable Juvia who deserves the world because she's pretty and never done nothing wrong in life etc. Likewise, if you're a Juvia-and-Gruvia hater, this is no place for you, because I literally don't care if you think she's a horrible canon person who deserves to die and disappear off the face of the earth.

If you are Juvia stan and Gruvia hater (I know you exist somewhere), this is the place for you (or if you are indifferent to Gruvia, or if you like it but you are not avid shippers proclaiming Juvia as the ideal girl. Actually, idfc what you think about the ship, I just know that shippers and antis generally think in compartments and don't want to question anything, so if you belong to one or the other category, go on and see other posts).

So, now let's make two things clear before starting the discussion.

Juvia is not a lovely girl, nor is she a good person. Juvia is a fucking messed up person who has good intentions, but having not lived in a good place most of her life she has unhealthy relationships with many people, highly questionable behavior, and a very bad relationship with herself. She is also a strong and cruel woman who can kill, she will and she has already done. And despite all that, she deserves the love, but more importantly, she deserves a fucking painstakingly detailed development arc (and no, if you tell me there's no forgiveness for her, Ill get pissed, everyone have had a development arc, Jellal, Laxus, Gajeel, Cobra, Sting, etc. but Juvia doesn't deserve it? Don't even talk to me).

I won't explain all my ideas about her in this post, otherwise it would get very long because trust me, I have an Odyssey in mind, but basically:

Juvia is a girl in love with the idea of love. She has lived her whole life alone and desperately wants to make friends and find her life partner, so as soon as she meets someone who is even a little bit nice to her, she becomes morbidly attached, as indeed she did with Gray. But she doesn't just do it with him, she also does it with her friends, so Lucy, Cana, Erza, and other people in the guild. As soon as someone extends a finger of hers, she takes the whole arm and craves that affection that she always sees in others. At the same time, she's not good at showing affection in the normal way, so she does weird things, and usually she's overly pushy and willing to literally go out of her way to get anyone to accept her. She sacrificed herself for Cana, so yeah, she would literally do anything, and she doesn't understand the limits of people, so as long as someone gives her something, she takes, takes and takes. She is also very insecure of herself, so it doesn't take much, a miserable 'no' and she risks going back to being the lonely rain woman and that she annoys everyone with the weather she brings with her. When this happens, she leaves the guild because she is afraid to annoy her guildmates and return alone (Lucy and Natsu always join her and stand by her in those moments).

She has a complex relationship with Gajeel, but he's also probably the only real friend she has, at least in the beginning, because she doesn't feel this need to continually affirm her affection for him. She's not even afraid of him leaving, because Gajeel has already seen the worst of her in Phantom Lord, and he's stayed, and she knows that he will stay by her side because he's one of the few people who understands her. (Then Cana will also become friends with her in a similar way).

She is an unnervingly strong sorceress, let's not forget that she was an S-class level in Phantom Lord. She was cruel too, she killed people with the Water Lock, and she wouldn't hesitate to do it if she saw something that reminded her of her childhood.

Speaking of her childhood, she was awful. From an early age she was considered a cursed child because she brought rain everywhere, for this reason her parents put her in an orphanage. She had no idea, and after spending her early years in an orphanage with everyone staying away from her and bad-mouthing her, she went looking for her parents. She hoped to reunite with them but when she found them, they did not recognize her, and badly kicked her out of the house saying never to be seen again. She moved to a village and tried to live alone, but still everyone annoyed her and told her to leave. One day someone annoyed her so much that she seriously injured him by trapping him in a water bubble and suffocating him. Since then, she has escaped from there.

She tried to remove the magic herself, with dangerous methods that put her life at risk, but it was unsuccessful (I have a whole arc in mind on this omg). She even pushed herself too hard with her magic that she nearly died. Probably in a very dark period of her life she also thought about ending it. This until she entered Phantom Lord. There, for the first time, she found a place that accepted her, and she immediately understood that the stronger she was, the more she was accepted. That's why she trained hard and became ambitious, she wanted to surpass all wizards, she thought that as she got stronger, she would have more friends. And more or less, that's how Phantom Lord worked. She was also able to use her power to its fullest, because nobody cared to use good methods, she could kill and she did it without hesitation, especially when she saw cruel people who reminded her of her parents or the people who they bullied. She felt somehow at home.

She then entered Fairy Tail, and for the first time she saw the sun thanks to Gray, which is why she thought that Gray was her life partner and so she became attached to him.

From here my version completely changes from the canon, or rather, initially it's similar with her becoming obsessed with Gray (but not only with him, also with Lucy and Cana and the other guildmates), then as she goes on making mistakes, understands how to actually build a true and healthy friendship. She learns to love herself and to understand what she really wants other than 'not to be alone', and discovers that she is actually very ambitious, she wants to be strong, she likes to be strong, not just because she likes admiration, but precisely because she likes to be able to protect her loved ones. She's always fucking creepy when someone touches her loved ones, like, you know the scene on Tenrou where she's fucking creepy when Meredy talks about killing Gray? Well, yes, Juvia is like that, only not just with Gray, but with everyone in the guild, touch someone dear to her and she will kill you, absolutely and without remorse.

She also remains a romantic, a person who adores small gestures of affection, a clumsy, she loves children but never knows how to behave with them, she is a very manual girl, she knows how to paint, but above all she knows sewing clothes or building accessories, girls always come to her and she is always happy to give them gifts. She is also a mega emotional and sensitive girl, when she feels an emotion, she feels it to the nth degree. When she's happy she gets loud, and infects everyone with her happiness showing it to the world, when she's sad no one can cheer her up, when she's angry you better run.

She understands that her relationship with Gray is complicated and one-sided, and she tries to act better and walk away from him when he tells her he's not comfortable with her. When she does that, Juvia discovers that in reality she is happy even without him. Like, she's a friend of Gray, a close friend, but she understands that her love was in her head. Then they cultivate a beautiful friendship, which if you want can also become true love (or not, you decide, but there must be that passage of self-understanding first. Actually, I'm a bit indifferent to the ship but whatever).

And then I'll stop here, even if I have things to say about the relationships she could have with other people, primarily with the Thunder Legion (in my opinion she gets along very well with all of them and also with Laxus), with Gajeel (their friendship is complex and that's okay), with Lucy (they are bestie fight me), with Erza (Juvia admires her), with Lisanna (Juvia listens to what the Edo version of Juvia was like and thinks about herself), with Cana (a bestie much more sincere than Lucy, she doesn't mince words when she has to make it clear when Juvia acts like a bitch), with Mira (these two girls are actually more similar than it seems), and that's it, now I stop.

It would have been faster to write a fanfiction.

(However I don't think this version is very far from the canon.)

[badassbuchanan]

Secrets and Spies

Request: Could you write something where the reader and bucky have been seeing eachother for a while but no one from the team knows. But they know something is different with bucky so they follow him one night to the readers place and kinda catch them in the act? I don't know if that makes sense

Warnings: smut; shower sex, loud sex, unprotected sex, swearing and some really bad writing skills on my part!

a/n: my first request, yay! I hope it came out okay! it’s different to the writings i’ve done before - I hope it makes sense

also I'm sorry if you didn't want this to be smutty but my thirsty ass brain took the ‘catch them in the act’ part a little too literally. I'm just a whore for bucky let’s face it. 

“You coming to the game with us next week, Buck?” The blonde haired Captain asked his childhood friend as he stood with him and Sam in the kitchen.

“Hm?” The long haired winter soldier looked up from his phone which had previously captured all of his attention.

“The baseball game,” Sam frowned at Bucky suspiciously, crossing his arms as he leaned his back against the kitchen worktop. “The one we talked about last week.”

“Oh,” Bucky raised his eyebrows and nodded, lifting his metal hand to scratch the back of his head. “Uh yeah,” he looked back down at his phone which was now buzzing in his hand. “Um, I’ll be there.”

As soon as the words left his mouth Bucky was out the door, lifting his phone to his ear as he softly answered “hello.”

Sam and Steve turned to look at each other with a puzzled look on their faces.

“You know he’s been acting weird right? Even for him.” Sam raised his eyebrows at Steve who rolled his eyes softly, leaning his hands on the counter.

“He’s probably just stressed or something.” Steve dismissed Bucky’s recent behaviour, but even he’d noticed how distant and odd his oldest friend had been acting.

“Steve, I know you always want to see the best in him.” Sam’s voice dropped an octave in seriousness, mirroring Steve’s stance from across the kitchen bench. “But don’t forget what he’s capable of.”

“No, that wasn’t him. That was Hydra.” Steve defended Bucky, hitting his palm against the worktop before lifting it to rub his jaw anxiously. Sam’s words were making him worry.

“Okay, so what if Hydra, starts controlling his mind again?” Sam spoke softly, understanding what the weight of his words were doing to Steve. “Regardless, that doesn’t excuse his sneaking around, all the secret conversations, the frequent disappearing, or the fact that he is constantly distracted.”

“Oh, so it’s not just me who thinks Mr.Bionic is acting like more of a weirdo than usual?” Tony waltzed into the room, removing his sunglasses as he did so.

Steve shot Tony a warning glance but nodded his head anyway. Bucky had been acting strange for a while, it started off with small things, but now he was hardly ever around. And when he was, his mind was distant. Everything Sam said was true and Steve could only ignore it for so long.

“F.R.I.D.A.Y informed me he’s arranged to meet someone tonight.” Tony added, shoving a handful of almonds in his mouth as he did so. “You might wanna keep a close eye on him.” He more instructed than suggested, shrugging his shoulders before leaving the room to answer his ringing phone.

Steve loved Bucky. He believed in Bucky. But he couldn’t deny the small amount of constant doubt that lived in his mind. What if Hydra was still dormant in Bucky’s brain, controlling him with such a subtlety that no one would notice?

Steve let out a sigh, running his hand through his pushed back blonde hair. He was torn between trusting his childhood friend and doing his job as an Avenger to protect the world from potential threats. “Just let me talk to him.”

Sam nodded understandingly as the kettle clicked, signalling the water was done boiling just as he turned his back to grab a mug from the cupboard.

—Bucky’s POV —

��The baseball game,” Sam frowned at Bucky suspiciously, crossing his arms as he leaned his back against the kitchen worktop. “The one we talked about last week.”

“Oh,” Bucky raised his eyebrows and nodded, lifting his metal hand to scratch the back of his head. “Uh yeah,” he looked back down at his phone which was now buzzing in his hand, Y/N’s unsaved number flashing on the screen. “Um, I’ll be there.”

As soon as the words left his mouth Bucky was out the door, lifting his phone to his ear as he softly answered “hello.”

“Hey mister,” The sweet voice cooed through the phone, a bashful smile appearing on Bucky’s face as he leaned against the wall. “You coming over soon? My housemate’s gone out for the night.”

“Yeah, just finished working out with the guys. I’ll have a shower and then make my way to you.” Bucky fiddled with the drawstring of his grey track pants absentmindedly as he spoke.

“Or you could have a shower here,” Y/N spoke in a suggestive tone. Bucky living at the compound and Y/N’s housemate almost always home meant they never got much alone time without having to worry about Y/N’s housemate hearing what they were up to. “We could even have one together.”

Bucky’s eyes almost popped out of his head, her words catching him by surprise as he pushed himself off of the wall to stand up straight. “I’ll be there soon.”

Y/N chuckled at Bucky’s attempt to try and keep his cool, her heart skipping a beat at his excitement. “Okay, see you soon.”

“Okay.” Bucky breathed through a bashful smile. turning quickly to walk back down the hallway.

— Sam and Steve‘s POV —

Bucky walked back into the room in a slight rush.

“Hey, Buck. We need to talk.” Steve looked Bucky up and down, analysing his body language to test his reaction. No matter how busy he was, Bucky always made time for Steve and vice versa. They were always there for each other.

“Yeah buddy, later. I have to go.” Bucky turned to reply to Steve quickly before walking down the stairs out of sight.

Sam turned around to face Steve, mug in hand as he chuckled. He shook his head, looking up at Cap who was frowning in both confusion and concern.

“Okay, we need to find out what’s going on with him.” Steve crosses his arms, biting the inside of his lip as he racked his brain for any and every possible solution to reason Bucky’s behaviour.

— Bucky’s POV —

“C’mon Buck, we still have to cook it.” Y/N giggled softly as she watched her boyfriend dig his finger into the raw brownie batter they’d just finished mixing.

Bucky lifted the chocolate covered finger towards his mouth, licking off the mixture as he shrugged. “Taste good enough to me.” He smiled cheekily, using his metal arm to pull Y/N against his chest.

She instinctively wrapped her arms around his neck, her hands playing with his hair as she admired his handsome face. Bucky leaned down to press his lips against hers, the sweet taste of chocolate enticing her in.

She moaned against him, tilting her head as Bucky let his tongue run teasingly over her lips. “How about that shower, hm?” She mumbled against his lips, feeling the kiss heating up fast.

Bucky moaned with a nod, feeling his cock stirring beneath his sweatpants. Y/N made a quick move to turn away from him, putting the brownie mixture in the oven.

He couldn’t help but watch her ass as she bent down, the workout leggings she wore left nothing to the imagination. He bravely moved forward, his hand slapping her ass cheekily as she quickly stood back up.

“Hey!” She shot Bucky a glare, smiling at the same time after she made sure to set the timer on the oven. “Save it for the shower.”

Bucky chuckled in amusement as he followed her down the hallway of her house which he’d become so familiar with. He didn’t go many places outside of the compound, and Y/N’s house felt like his special little hideaway from everything and everyone.

Y/N adjusted the temperature of the shower before removing her clothes, turning around to face Bucky as she did so.

Bucky couldn’t help but get distracted as she undressed, watching her every move. She walked towards him when she was left only in her panties, running her hand over his stomach.

“Need some help?” She offered, looking up at him innocently as she tugged on the tie of his sweatpants.

Bucky clenched his jaw as he looked down at her perky tits, nipples hardened in the cold air. His cock twitched at the sight of her bare skin, his metal hand reaching out to palm her breasts.

Y/N reached her hand inside his sweatpants, grabbing hold of his cock as her mouth dropped opened in shock. “Already so hard, Buck.” She smiled widely, slowly pumping his hard member in her hand.

Bucky let out a shaky breath, his hips bucking into her hand as he tugged on her nipple. Y/N felt her arousal dripping onto her underwear from the thought of his cock inside of her.

“Baby stop or I’ll cum.” Bucky grunted, his face screwing up as he grabbed hold of her hand with his flesh one, his metal hand still full of her boobs.

“I don’t want you to cum until you’re inside me.” Y/N spoke against his lips, giving his cock one last squeeze as she felt her pussy start to ache in need.

Bucky’s cock throbbed at her words, his eyes drawn to watch her pull his track pants down his legs. She tugged his underwear down with them, admiring the way his hard length bounced to slap up against his stomach.

Y/N bit her lip, her hands running up his thick thighs and over his abs, pulling his t-shirt up as she went. Bucky helped her out, lifting the material over his head, leaving him completely naked.

Y/N pushed her chest flush against his, leaning up to kiss him teasingly. Bucky felt her hard nipples rub against his bare chest, her soft skin felt so good against his as he held her waist.

She gave him an open mouth kiss before turning around in his arms, still pressed against his body as Bucky’s cock rubbed over her ass.

“Take them off for me, Buck.” She said softly, guiding his hands to the waist band of her panties.

Bucky complied with her request, pulling them down to her knees before she bent over in front of him to take them off the rest of the way, causing his cock to nudge between her bare ass cheeks.

Bucky groaned at the feeling of his tip in her wetness, quickly pulling her hips tightly against him as he refrained from shoving his cock inside of her.

She smiled cheekily, knowing exactly what she was doing to him as she ground her ass against him, his cock saturated in her juices.

Bucky grabbed her upper arm, pulling her to stand back up, his chest flush against her back. He kissed up her neck, his metal hand sliding down between her thighs to rub her folds, immediately saturated in her slick.

“If you want me to fuck you like that, doll, all you have to do is ask.”

“Bucky!” She giggled softly, almost becoming shy at his filthy words. It was still something she was getting used to, Bucky was her first boyfriend.

He chuckled at her response, spinning her around in his arms to face him. He lifted his flesh hand to cup her cheek, pressing his lips against hers.

Y/N immediately kissed him back, relaxing into his touch as Bucky’s hands slid down to the back of her thighs.

His tongue pushed into her mouth the same time as he lifted her off of the ground, wrapping her legs around his waist as she let out a satisfied moan.

Y/N hugged his neck to hold her up, his thick length laying flush between her folds. She whimpered into his mouth, rubbing her hips forward slightly as Bucky walked them into the shower.

The heat of the water hit them immediately, warming their bodies as Bucky pressed Y/N’s back against the tiled shower wall.

“So gorgeous.” Bucky grunted softly, pecking her lips as he pushed his hips forward. Y/N’s pussy started to ache with a dull emptiness, his cock against her folds wasn’t enough to satisfy her. “I love you so much.”

She smiled into the kiss, tugging on his now dampened hair. “I love you, Bucky.” She looked up into his bright eyes, admiring his beauty as Bucky moved his flesh hand down between their bodies.

He grabbed hold of his cock, lining the tip up with Y/N’s entrance. The intense feeling caused her head to drop against his chest, kissing up the skin where his flesh fused with the metal.

Bucky’s heart fluttered at her touch, still so thankful to have found someone who loved and accepted him for him. It was something that he never thought would happen.

“Baby, please move.” Y/N moaned as her pussy clenched around his tip, causing Bucky to snap back to reality from his thoughts. He pushed his entire length inside her slowly, the tightness of her walls constricting him.

Y/N moaned again when he was fully inside of her, her nails digging into the flexed muscles of his back. Bucky stilled inside of her, knowing she’d need a moment for the stretching pain to subside.

“Oh, fuck.” Y/N panted out in pleasure, her throbbing pussy hungry for more. Bucky bent his head to kiss a line from her collar bone to the underside of her jaw.

He began thrusting his hips slowly, allowing her pussy to adjust to his size. “You don’t have to keep quiet baby,” Bucky moaned into her ear, his breath tickling her skin. “We’ve got the house to ourselves remember?” He picked up his pace a little, his fingers digging into her ass so hard she’d definitely have bruised tomorrow. “Let me hear you.”

Y/N’s head fell back against the shower wall, her eyes closing as she let her moans flow freely. Her thighs clamped around his waist, trying to pull him closer as he fucked into her.

Her pussy clenched around his length, the slapping sound of his balls hitting her wet skin filled the room. It only turned Y/N on even more, that and the fact that they didn’t have to keep quiet for once.

“Bucky.” She moaned out his name shamelessly, arching her back which caused their chests to press together.

Water ran over their bodies as Bucky picked up his pace, already feeling his climax approaching as he listened to her moan his name.

Y/N kept up the volume, knowing it was driving her boyfriend crazy. Bucky stepped towards her, practically squashing her against the tiles.

The new position caused his pelvis to rub against her throbbing clit with every thrust. Y/N felt a tingling in the pit of her stomach, the pulsing of her clit making her toes curl.

She moaned breathlessly between thrusts, his pace quickening as she tugged on his hair.

“Oh fuck.” Bucky moaned, his head dropping back as he chased his high, fucking into her fast and hard.

Her pussy clenched around him with every thrust, the feeling of his big cock deep inside of her was something she didn’t want to end.

She moaned like a pornstar for him, her mouth dropping open as she looked into his eyes. Bucky bit down on his bottom lip, keeping his rough side locked away as he fucked up into her.

“Bucky, oh shit.” Her eyes widened in panic, her cheeks covered in a pink blush as she felt her orgasm taking over. “I’m gunna cum.” She cried, head throwing back against the tiles as she rocked her hips into his.

Bucky watched her in awe, always so proud to be the provider of her pleasure. Her hair stuck to her wet body, her breathing shallow as she continued to moan.

He didn’t let up his pace, watching her tits bounce against his skin as he leaned his head back into her neck.

His moans were muffled in her skin, Y/N’s only getting louder as Bucky fucked her through her orgasm.

Her body was so sensitive, the sound of their skin slapping together had grown louder with his erratic thrusting.

Y/N’s pussy throbbed around his silky length, her arousal dripping onto his balls. She turned her head to kiss him, so fucked out and breathless.

Kissing her made Bucky more determined to chase his high, his hands pinning her hips against the wall as he fucked into her.

“Oh, yes.” Y/N moaned loudly, her hands clinging to any part of him that she could. She panted in unison with his thrusting, Bucky’s face screwing up as he chased his high. “Oh, Bucky, fuck.” She cried out when his cock twitched inside of her.

Bucky felt his orgasm about to hit. “I’m about to cum.” He suddenly moaned, hardly even finishing the sentence before he released his load inside of her.

He dropped her legs to the floor, Y/N almost tumbled at how jelly-like her legs felt. She grabbed onto his biceps to steady herself, Bucky’s hands planted themselves either side of her head on the tiled wall.

He went to kiss her softly, missing her lips because of the way she turned her head. A sudden loud noise from outside catching her attention.

— Sam and Steve’s POV—

“Are you sure?” Steve looked over at Sam in the drivers seat with a slight frown of confusion on his face.

“Yes,” Sam nodded insistingly, turning the engine off which would’ve left them in total darkness if it wasn’t for the light illuminating from the house they sat outside of. “This is the last place F.R.I.D.A.Y traced Bucky’s phone.”

“But it looks like a normal house.” Steve’s frown didn’t leave his face as he stared out of the window, scanning the area for any sign of danger. “In a suburban area, full of civilians.”

He didn’t know what he expected to find when he’d agreed to Sam’s ridiculous plan to spy on Bucky. But it sure as hell wasn’t this. The unknown set off a feeling in the pit of his stomach that he wasn’t fond of. A feeling that made him think the worst.

“Maybe Hydra has finally figured out that creepy warehouses attract more attention than normal houses.” Sam half joked with a scoff, turning his body to take off his seatbelt.

“What are you doing?” Steve’s head immediately whipped round to look at Sam with a worried look on his face. Sam could sometimes be hotheaded and jump into things without a plan, which didn’t sit well with Cap.

“I’m going to check it out.” Sam replied matter-of-factly. He knew that Steve would oppose to what he thought was the best plan of action, so he wasn’t going to ask permission, which he realised wasn’t going to work.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Steve pressed his lips together in a line nervously, his eyes darting back to the location where they’d tracked Bucky.

“Okay, why?” Sam dropped his hand from where it had lifted to open the car door and looked over at Steve. He decided he at least respected Cap enough to listen to his Star Spangled reasoning.

“Well for one, if it is a Hydra location the perimeter will be highly alarmed, not to mention the calibre of dangerous assassins that will be waiting inside, you won’t stand a chance.” Steve sighed, thousands of thoughts bouncing around his mind as he ran his hand through his hair stressfully. “And even if it’s not,” Steve’s voice dropped as his eyes grew worried. “Bucky will know we were tracking him.”

Sam chose to stay silent of a moment, something that didn’t happen very often. He knew Steve had just opened up about the real reason he didn’t want to go charging in like a bull in a china shop. He didn’t want to hurt Bucky. He didn’t want Bucky to feel like his two best friends didn’t trust him. Steve didn’t want to betray Bucky’s character and allow him to know that he had his doubts. That he could become Hydra’s Winter Soldier again.

“Okay, we’ll do it your way.” Sam said softly, a sympathetic smile on his face.

“We’ll start by securing the perimeter, then if, and only if, anything seems off, we’ll move in for closer inspection.” Steve instructed directly, only opening the car door once Sam had nodded in agreement.

They’d chosen not to bring any uniforms or weapons, knowing it would only draw more attention to themselves. Making sure to shut the car doors silently behind them, the pair slowly approached the white picket fence surrounding the property.

Sam veered to the left, Steve to the right as they inspected the location. Nothing seemed off. A few lights in different rooms illuminated the house. The curtains were drawn, making it hard for the two avengers to know exactly what was going on inside.

“No sign of movement on the east side.” Steve whispered, loud enough for Sam to hear as he slowly moved to inspect the gate.

Sam looked over at where Cap was, walking casually to meet him, finding no need to be as stealthy as his partner. “I got nothing on this side either.”

Steve sighed, relaxing a little when he saw no sign of danger. He stood up straight and crossed his arms, he was growing more curious by the second.

“Why this house? This family? In this neighbourhood? Who lives here? There must be some significance. I’ll call Tony and get F.R.I.D.A.Y to run the house through the datab-“

“Shh.” Sam quickly lifted his hand, cutting Steve off as his eyes darted from side to side. There was an eery silence in the street, followed by a muffled sound which made Steve’s ears prick up in attention. “Do you hear that?”

The boys made eye contact, frowns covering both of their faces as they slowly turned towards the house. Sam gestured towards the front door with his head, Steve nodding in agreement as they carefully opened the gate and moved in towards the house.

They crept up the garden path, stomachs sinking as the noise becoming more apparent, informing them they were on the right track.

“It’s coming from around the side.” Steve whispered as he pointed his finger, Sam’s eyes drifted to where Cap was pointing with a nod of acknowledgment.

The pair continued on their search, ears on high alert as they followed the sound down the left side of the house, a small passage which was as dark as the night. They stopped when they got to a room illuminated with light, the small open window too high up on the wall for them to see inside.

Low grunts, loud moans and harsh slapping sounds made both of their faces go pale in fear. It had to be Bucky. But they weren’t his moans, they were the moans of a woman. He wasn’t alone. And it sounded like he was torturing her.

“Shit.” Steve couldn’t help but let the language slip passed his lips as he dropped his head in a sigh, his hands on his hips. He tried to give Bucky the benefit of the doubt, but the evidence was stacked against him.

“What do we do now, Cap?” Sam whispered sadly, he wanted Bucky to be innocent just as much as Steve did. Yes, he would wind up the metal armed soldier at every opportunity that he got, but he had grown fond of him.

“We can’t let this go on.” Steve gestured towards the window where the near enough screams of a women were coming from, knowing they had to act fast as he tried to think up a plan.

“Oh, yes.” The girl moaned before Steve could even begin to think, causing both Sam and Steve to look at each other in surprise. “Oh, Bucky, fuck.” She cried out in pleasure, both boy’s brains ticking over as they tried to catch up with what was happening.

“Oh. My. God.” A cheeky smile washed over Sam’s face as a chuckle erupted from his throat. Steve let his face fall in his hands, humiliated and relieved at the same time.

Steve was thankful that his friend hadn’t been taken over by Hydra again, thankful that he wasn’t causing anyone harm. But now, he was stood in an alleyway listening to his best friend have sex.

Steve, still in shock, shook his head as he looked up at Sam who was still softly chuckling.

“I’m about to cum.” Bucky’s sudden moan caused both boys to snap back to the moment, eyes widening as they realised they didn’t want to be in ear shot when their friend reached his climax.

“Go,” Sam said quickly, his hand lifting to softly push Steve when he didn’t move. “Go, go, go.” He added with a bit more urgency, both boys turning to run from the alleyway in such a hurry that they weren’t looking where they were going.

They didn’t even make it more than a couple of steps before a loud crashing sound came from beneath them. “Shit.” Sam sighed, scrambling to pick up the pipes which he’d knocked over in his rush to get away.

Steve turned around with a sour look in his face, watching Sam try to clean up his mess. There was no way all that commotion would’ve gone unnoticed by the couple inside.

Sam gave Steve a knowing look, the only chance they had of escaping was to make a break for it.

Steve nodded, turning to run back down the alleyway with Sam right behind him. They were almost in the clear, close to the front of the house when a metal arm punched across Steve’s face to stop him running, only missing him by an inch.

Sam stumbled into Steve’s back at his sudden halt, the metal hand twisting to grab Steve by his throat. He was pulled around the corner, his back shoved against the brick wall of the house harshly.

“Steve?” Bucky’s face dropped in shock as he let go of his best friend’s throat. He stepped back and looked to the side, noticing a sheepish looking Sam. “What the hell are you guys doing here?”

Steve and Sam both looked at each other before back at Bucky, noticing his wet body only covered by his track pants hanging low on his hips.

“I think the real question is, who are you doing here?” Sam asked cheekily, a cocky smirk on his face which got wiped off as soon as Steve hit his chest in annoyance.

“Bucky, we can ex-“

“How did you- Did you follow me here?” Bucky chose to ignore Sam’s comment, cutting Steve off before crossing his arms as he waited for an explanation.

There was another moment of silence as the two culprits looked at each other once again, saved by a small voice coming from beside them.

“Bucky, everything okay?” Y/N’s soft voice made all three boys turn to face her from where she stood on the porch, a slight whistle coming from Sam as they took in her appearance. Her hair was still wet, her body only covered by the shirt that Bucky had been wearing earlier that night.

Bucky sighed, running his flesh hand through his wet hair, his metal one firmly on his hip. “Yeah, baby. It’s just my friends.” Bucky said the word ‘friends’ through gritted teeth as he glared back at them.

“Oh,” Y/N perked up a little as she pranced down the steps to where they were, almost hiding behind Bucky as she cuddled his flesh arm. “I apologise for my appearance. If Bucky had told me you were coming I would’ve been more prepared.” She giggled softly, her reaction to the whole situation made all three boys frown in confusion.

They’d expected her to yell, to ask what the hell they were doing around the side of her house, to kick them out, to yell at Bucky for telling his friends about them without consulting her first, to just walk back into the house and ignore them. In that moment, Bucky knew she was a keeper.

“It’s nice to meet you both,” Y/N spoke as the two boys opposite just blinked, half surprised that Bucky actually kept such a secret from them for this long. “I’m Y/N.” She held out her hand.

“Steve Rogers.” Steve immediately responded, stepping forward to shake her hand with a sweet smile.

“I’m Sam.” Sam followed, shaking her hand as

Bucky, still half confused about why his best friends were there, wrapped his arm around Y/N’s waist. “So are you two-“ Sam dragged out the words.

“She’s my girlfriend.” Bucky responded shortly, Y/N’s heart fluttering at the word, something that was only shared between the two of them until now.

“Well we should all probably move inside, it’s a bit chilly out here tonight.” Y/N offered sweetly, gesturing towards the front door. “I hope you guys like brownies.”

taglist: 

@harrysthiccthighss​

@annestine​

[fairyoftbz]

insecurities | l. juyeon

🧸 pairing: idol!juyeon x (insecure) fem!reader 🧸 word count: 2.7k 🧸 genre: angst, fluffy end 🧸 tw: mentions of insecurities, doubts 🧸 a/n: sorry i forgot to post, i had a busy day and im exhausted, i hope it's gonna be enough! 🧸 requested: yes! thank you, it is very cliché but i hope this is what you had in mind! 💝

╰☆☆☆☆╮

Juyeon came home tired but happy, excited to see you again after a long day of intense practice and a show where he participated as an MC. You, on the other hand, were not as happy as he was, but you were for sure tired of something.

You couldn’t deny it, dating Juyeon had positive points, he was everything you could ask for in a man, but there were just as many negative points. He was an attractive, sweet gentleman, and it was almost impossible for him not to attract other girls, not even doing it on purpose. And it was one of your many insecurities even if you considered yourself pretty, you couldn’t help but get insecure every time he talked to someone else.

Because let’s be honest, in the Korean music industry, every single woman looks like an absolute goddess. So, when he interacts with someone, and they’re a bit too friendly, your heart pinches in pain as he gives them the smile he keeps for you and you only.

You think that they are more interesting, prettier and funnier than you, which has the ability to send your thoughts to the dark side of self-consciousness, not feeling pretty or enough next to those women. And tonight, it was hard to watch on National TV your boyfriend being extremely friendly with the other MC.

You had tried to comfort yourself that it was just a mask, that he had to look friendly and handsome on TV. However, you couldn’t help feeling disappointment and anger as he gave attentive eyes to the other MC as she explained something, his eyes falling on her lips pressed against the mic.

Juyeon walks through the main door, tossing his keys on the chest of drawers, getting rid of his jacket and shoes before joining you in the living room, happy to see that you were watching the same channel he appeared on. Eyes glued on the screen, your thumb rubbed against your lips, feeling the skin of the cuticles you scratched while watching your boyfriend feeling rough against your lips.

“Hi love,” he said as he sat next to you, pressing his lips on your cheek. You didn’t react, only emitting a slight hum as he sat comfortably.

Juyeon frowned but didn’t raise your bad mood, trying to think what was going on inside your head. Maybe you had a bad day, or you were just tired, despite scratching his head and think, he couldn’t pinpoint what had brought you in such a bad mood.

“Did you have fun?” you bitterly spat, and Juyeon’s eyes widened, surprised by your tone, the wrinkle on his forehead deepening as his brows furrowed at your attitude.

“I did. Are you mad or something?” he bluntly asked, and you sighed, taking the remote to turn the TV off, falling in an unpleasant, uncomfortable silence.

“Oh no, I’m super fine. I really enjoyed my boyfriend giving heart eyes to another girl on national TV, it was such a nice thing to watch,” you bitterly chuckled, and Juyeon’s eyes widened even more, not expecting you to pull out the jealousy card on that.

“Babe, what are you talking about? You know-”

“Please, spare me your fake confusion and lame excuses, I clearly saw what I saw. My eyes never deceive me,” you said while standing up, but Juyeon was quick to imitate you and grab your wrist to prevent you from walking away. You tried to free yourself from his grip, but he only tightened his hand around it.

“Juyeon, let me go,” you said through clenched teeth, trying to prevent the tears from escaping your eyes. Breaking down was the last thing you wanted to do in this situation.

“Not before you explain to me what this fuss is all about,” he said, irritation replacing confusion in his eyes. You let out a mocking scoff, your eyes filled with anger and disdain boring into your boyfriend’s, holding eye contact for a few seconds.

“You really think I’m this dumb? I clearly saw the eyes you gave to the other MC when you were both animating the show. Cracking jokes, giving her smiles that could outshine the sun, your eyes ogling her lips when she was talking or smiling. Did you really think I wouldn’t catch that?” you raised your voice, letting anger take over your body.

“I never did all of that, I don’t know what you are insinuating,” he spat, trying not to show it, but your words hurt him, hating the fact that you could imagine him cheat on you or fancy another girl.

“Go on social media then, you will see what I am ‘insinuating’! Everyone is already talking about how whipped you are and how cute of a couple you would look together. Some fans are even starting to make edits!” you shouted, shoving your phone in your hoodie’s front pocket.

Juyeon sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose to calm his nerves a bit, a gesture that had the ability to enrage you even more. Your family used to do that when they found you annoying or wanted to belittle you, and now seeing Juyeon doing the exact same thing as them really made you even more insecure about this whole situation. Your family made you feel like a real burden during your childhood and teen years that it hurt you to think that Juyeon was probably agreeing with that thought right now.

“Y/N, I don’t know what you are talking about. I was just trying to be nice, I can’t be rude or it’s mine and the group’s reputation that I’ll take down with me-”

“No it’s okay, no need to explain yourself, the message was very clear,” you said, and you finally freed yourself from his grip, your heart breaking as Juyeon sighed in annoyance again, seeing him almost roll his eyes.

“It’s not what I meant, and you know it. Don’t react like that, please,” he started, but you waved your hand in front of you.

“No, no, I got it, you-”

“Y/N, for the love of God, stop being so fucking insecure, it’s getting so fucking annoying at this point! I can’t do anything without you getting fucking doubtful, start having faith in me and in this relationship, dammit!” your eyes widened as Juyeon eventually snapped, his mouth slowly closing as he stared at you, realisation hitting him that his words and tone made a lot of damage once he saw the tears gather in your eyes and roll down your cheeks.

The couch separated the two of you, creating the illusion of a painful wall that made you shiver, feeling like your apartment had lost all of its warmth on the spur of the moment. His words were brutal, and they bounced around your skull, your head turning towards the corridor to swallow the lump forming in your throat, trying not to break down in front of him.

“Y/N, I’m-”

“Leave me alone,” you replied, voice wavering as you walked out of the living room, slamming the bedroom door shut before locking it.

Juyeon sighed and carded his hands through his dark locks, closing his eyes as he thought of the words that had escaped his mouth too quickly. He cursed under his breath as the living room fell into a deafening silence, his hands linked at the back of his neck as he thought of what just happened.

“Why did I say that,” he muttered under his breath and collapsed on the couch, unlocking his phone and scrolling on social media to try and momentarily forget your beautiful face painted with a hurtful expression because of him, but it was to no avail.

He saw what you saw; the fiction, the edits, the collages, he saw and read everything. He already hated seeing you cry and being hurt, but he actually loathed himself for being such an idiot and not comfort you about the whole situation with what was happening on every social platform.

His heart shattered in millions of pieces as he pictured you crying in your shared bed, holding the stuffed animal he got you for your anniversary tight against your chest, letting you drown in your insecurities and intrusive thoughts. He loved you very much, but despite him trying to remind you every single day, your intrusive thoughts always managed to get the upper hand when you found yourself hanging out on your own or with some friends. It was as if your brain shut out everyone who tried to reassure you or make you feel better, letting you drown and struggle in your sorrow.

Yes, the other idols were pretty, but they were nothing compared to you. Juyeon had only eyes for you and cared about you and, of course, his members, but never had he thought about leaving you for someone else. His intentions were just to sound and appear nice and welcoming on TV because he knew that some fans, antis and media wouldn’t hesitate a second to bash him on different platforms and articles for his rudeness and insensitivity towards his idol colleague. And not only would he break his reputation, but also the group’s, and that’s the last thing he wanted.

However, he also understood that it was something hard to watch for you, even if he reminded you every single day that you were the only one that mattered in his eyes.

Sitting on the couch, he started reflecting, putting himself in your shoes for a second. How would he have reacted if he saw you being super friendly and affectionate to another man? Someone more handsome, nicer than him, cracking jokes here and there to see you smile and laugh.

He tossed his phone on the couch space next to him, where he wished you were instead of crying yourself in your shared bed, watching the device bounce, collide with the armrest and fall on the ground. He didn’t even fret checking if the screen cracked, head too high in his thoughts to bother.

Resting his elbows on his knees, he pressed his joined hands against his mouth, tongue poking his inner cheek as he realised he had really messed everything up. His knee started bouncing at the disgusting thought of losing you, perfectly knowing that he had to do something before you could slip through his hand like grains of sand.

Juyeon stood up and knocked on the bedroom door, softly calling for your name.

“Y/N?” he asked, and you didn’t respond, faintly hearing you cry on the other side of the wall. “Go away, please,” your strained voice barely making it to his ears, his fingers drumming against the surface of the door in frustration.

From your side of the bed, still holding that teddy bear close to your chest, you let your tears damp the top of its head, feeling the exhaustion of crying kicking in. Juyeon didn’t knock another time, trying not to push your buttons too much to save his chances to talk to you.

You heard a small thud on the lower part of the door, frowning as you wondered what it was. Deep breathings filled in the silence lingering in the corridor, selfishly feeling a bit relieved that you weren’t the only one hurt in this situation. Juyeon was a smart, tolerant man, he knew when to put his pride aside and not blame you for something you said or did. Well, it’s not the case for this time, and it’s probably exhaustion that spoke for him, and that, of course, doesn’t excuse anything, but he wanted to apologise and make up for everything.

“I know you probably don’t want to see me or hear my voice after what I’ve told you, but I really want to apologise for what I’ve said,” you held your breath to hear his faint, low voice on the other side of the door. You sat up and felt dizzy for a quick second, still holding the teddy bear against your chest, your face buried in its head as you let the tears keep rolling on your cheeks.

“I know it’s hard to date me, and I’m really sorry, I wish we had a simpler life, where we could hang out and go on dates like two normal people. It’s also hard for me to not be the type of boyfriend everyone wishes to have, but I’m so damn grateful to call you mine.” Juyeon marked a pause and ruffled his hair, pushing the front pieces away from his hair while thinking of his following words.

“I… you don’t know how much I’m sorry for using your insecurities against you. I shouldn’t have, it was the dumbest move I could ever do, but I just didn’t know what to answer. You are so pretty, so beautiful, amazing, and absolutely wonderful to have around to me, so seeing you this insecure makes me mad every time you compare yourself to someone you think looks prettier, thinner, or more perfect than you. It’s... really frustrating because I try my best to make you feel like a goddess and worth it every day, but those unrealistic society standards and god damn social media make you feel like you are not worth an ounce of love,” he took in a big breath and raised his knees upwards, letting his forearms rest on them.

You slowly opened the door behind him and dropped the teddy bear by his side, letting him know of your presence. He was quick to notice it and turn around to hug your legs tightly, your hands finding their way in his hair and started massaging his skull.

“I’m so sorry, Ju,” you faintly whispered, and he breathed in deeply against your skin as if he finally found you again after being separated from you for years.

He grabbed your cherished stuffed animal and stood up, holding it against your chest with a tender smile. He sat you down on the bed and gave you a proper hug, mouth pressing loving kisses on your forehead and temple as his hand caressed the back of your head, holding you as close to him as possible.

“I’m so sorry Y/N, I really am. I love you so, so much, I’m really sorry for all the stupid words I’ve thrown at you,” he said, and you shook your head, squeezing your arms around his middle tightly as an answer.

“I guess I have to accept that you have eyes only for me. But you know, it’s hard to acknowledge it and believe it when you find everyone around you ten times more beautiful than you are,” you mumbled against his chest as you sat on his lap, and he nodded, feeling a lump rising in his throat.

“I know Y/N, I know. I wish I could rid you of those insecurities, my heart breaks each time I see you so unsure of yourself. You're just so beautiful and amazing, it honestly kills me to see you like this,” he whispered, and you bitterly chuckled, gently pulling away to look at him with pearly eyes, his arms around you holding you still tight, making sure that you wouldn’t go too far from him.

“You can’t do that, but maybe you can help me soothe them by keeping loving me the way you’ve done since day one,” you mumbled, and he smiled, his eyes shining with tears just like yours.

You both cupped each other’s face and sadly smiled at the other, Juyeon feeling comforted at the sensation of your thumbs wiping the tears away from his cheeks and vice versa.

“We just need time, love, but I promise I’m going to help you realise how much you mean to me and how beautiful you are. And how much I don’t care about other girls,” he mumbled, and he gently drew your face closer to his, your lips grazing against his mouth. You closed your eyes at the proximity, feeling so much love and passion in his kiss that it was getting hard to breathe.

“I love you so much, Y/N,” Juyeon pulled away from your lips and whispered against your mouth, his hot breath mixing with yours.

“I love you too,” you smiled, burying your face in his neck, your boyfriend kissing the crown of your head while hugging you tight.

You giggled as Juyeon applied pressure on your waist, making you fall on your side on the bed. His hand gently cradled your cheek, thumb caressing your cheekbone with a soft smile on his face. You closed your eyes and pressed your forehead against his, feeling him chuckle and gently press his lips against yours.