#as its something that's never happened to me on my time on tumblr. I've gotten more asks within this past month...

[monodramatic-cannibal]

Yet again closed my ask box. Will do the asks that are currently within it, but I'd like to work on my own personal art after I've done the asks/requests. As I don't have time to do my own art due to requests/asks.

I'll open them back up at some point, but if I do open them, chances are requests will be closed, asks for my characters/I would be open though.

[theconstitutionisgayculture]

Indefinite hiatus

I was toying with writing up a long post about what running this blog has meant to me over the years and why I'm stepping away for the foreseeable future, but that feels too dramatic for what's really just me saying "I'm not going to be on tumblr for at least the rest of the year". So, I'll just say I'm not going to be on tumblr for at least the rest of the year.

Okay, actually I have a bunch more to say, but it'll be under the cut.

Politics sucks. And paying attention to it, even in the reduced way I've been paying attention to it over the last few years, is hard. You end up spending so much of your supposedly free time thinking about things you can't change, getting mad about things you can't change, and getting depressed when the people who can change things just keep going in the wrong direction. Even when good things happen, it's just a matter of a few days before something bad happens once again. And vice versa. It's an endless cycle of hope, despair, resignation. Rinse and repeat, and triple speed that cycle during an election year. And I'm tired of it. I'm tired of spending every other year worried about what's going to happen on one day in November. I'm tired of hearing a piece of news and automatically composing a post about it or running through 20 different responses I might give to asks I might get about it in my head.

Everyone I know who doesn't pay attention to politics (or at least doesn't run a social media page dedicated to it) seems to enjoy their live a lot more than I currently do. Which sounds way more dramatic than what's actually going on, which is mainly that I want to get to a place where I just don't care. I want the world and its problems to flow off my back instead of weighing it down. I want to stop thinking about what people on the internet might say about something I haven't even posted yet. And that can't happen while I'm tied to this blog. So I'll be staying away from it for at least the rest of the year.

I did have a good time with this blog. I've met a bunch of really awesome people, some who are sadly no longer with us (RIP Blue), and some who I think will carry on the "fight" way better than I ever did. This isn't an admission of defeat, or pessimism about the election. Even if Trump wins, and I truly think he will if we have a fair election, I still won't be back this year. But I'll still vote and I'll still be proud that my silly little tumblr blog had an impact on some people's lives. I may not have the reach of a Tucker Carlson or a Glenn Beck, but I've gotten a lot of messages from people who said they changed their minds about an issue, or even politics in general, because of things I said, and that counts for something. If you guys take anything away from me, I want it to be this: Even the smallest impact matters. It doesn't matter if you only ever reach one person and then stop, reaching that one person is enough. Changing one vote is enough. Changing one mind is enough.

To all my mutuals, you guys are the best. I truly hope you have wonderful lives and I'm sad I won't get to see your names on my dash everyday anymore. To anyone I've ever followed or reblogged from, I couldn't have had a blog without you, so thank you. Yes, even the leftiod psychos, XD. To everyone else, find your own balance and never give into despair and never listen to people who tell you not to try. Even a failed effort is still more meaningful than sitting back and mocking people for trying to improve even the smallest thing about themselves or the world around them.

I won't be logging back in after I post this, so any messages or asks you send, I won't see. I'll still be active (or as active as I ever am) in my discord, so feel free to join there if you want to. It should still be my pinned post, but if it isn't, I'll edit this with a new invite link.

And that's all I've got to say for now.

[sugar-and-pearls]

Howdy ghouls, folks and dearie- ohs

My name is Hedone and I've been in this community for about three years now. I love it truly and wish never to be parted from it. But in that time I've noticed somethings. Like how it can be difficult to survive it, especially when your starting out I feel. So, to give back I made this;

This is your guide on how to make friends and survive the selfshipping community.

So with that out the way, there are some steps to survive.

Create -

In my view, self shipping is often a creative outlet as it is a comforting one. The ability to take a piece of media into my hands and shape it to my whims and will is often awe-inspiring. I'll admit it's easier to see it with other people than with ourselves.

So with this in mind - start off small, though if you want to go guns blazing you can do that too. It doesn't have to be a lot. If you feel embarrassed, don't be. If you are afraid then don't worry cus your definitely not alone there.

Often times it helps to make a promo. This way people who find you can know some quick facts; your title, your fos and any other bits of info you wish to give. Most people will want to know if you share an fo or not - whether this is in case they are uncomfortable with share or want to know if your comfortable with sharing. Whether you are or not is your choice.

'this user' boxes are a fun way to decorate and tell people about yourself. If your worried about how it looks, then make another one, there's no limit unless you make one. Some people make Cards for it. If that's intimidating, don't worry boo, this is Tumblr - you do you.

My first real post was about what it would be like my mind was like a house and what which fos would stay and which ones would come and go. I posted it three years ago and in all that time it has gotten 16 notes on it. Does that mean that I shouldn't have created it? no, no it doesn't. Because when I read it it makes me happy.

Do a gush post, make art, start 'reblog with your f/o' game, write stories, make a moodboard - start the flow on those creative juices.

interact -

I've seen a lot of people be nervous about talking to new people and I can tell you, I feel the same. Its daunting, talking to someone new and it can be awkward wading through the small talk. Most people are in the same boat as you; nervous and wishing to talk about their fos.

Instead of focusing on being popular, try and make friends instead, its much much more emotionally fulling than the first option. Find people with fos in the same source, and try and build it up from there. You'll find your weridos eventually - you just got to sieve though the rest first. You don't have to be best pals with everyone on there but be friendly.

If you recognise a character, why not send an ask? If you have a mutual in mind, why not try and talk with them? Reblog other people's art and moodboards and posts. Doing content trades is a great way to interact with people (and boo if your worried or don't think your content is very good, don't be - we're all evolving here). Also if you can or just like to draw, you can make fanarts for a selfship you like or would like to be your mutual - like I said before, everyone on here just wants to talk about their fos here, all that is needed is a small push first.

With that in mind not everyone you talk to is going to like you, or interact the same way you do. Everyone has a style to themselves and that's ok - the trick is find someone who has the same, or a similar style as you. Even though we are interacting through a screen, remember that there is another person behind that screen; ask them how they're doing, what they're up to, if anything positive happen in their life.

Also be careful about the kinds of people you want to befriend- do they give back what you give first? Do they share your joy? You're bound to find many you click with, just be patient and don't give up - you got this 👍😊👍

Make Friends From All Walks Of The Community -

You'll never know who you're fandom buddy will be - Antis, proships, all are people and all have a different flavour to one another. Its up to you to pick. I've found that to survive here you have to lay roots. No man is an island after all. If you don't agree with a someone's ship or like it doesn't cost much to just be polite. Being considerate and kind to other people's selfships goes a long way round here.

Insecurity

Its pretty easy to feel intimidated by other's success. feeling like their ships are being validated while yours aren't (trust me here - I know what I speak of) but here's what you have to remember: We're all just people daydreaming about fictional characters - No one is better than you and you f/os will always love you!

This is one of the many reasons why building a foundation of fellow weridos is important, its good to have a someone that your able to lean on and vice versa.

But main point here is that no matter what, no one can take away your fos love for you nor your love for them. And if they try, flip them the 🖕 cus we don't give a 🦆

Karma -

I see a few newbies do this where they go onto someone's blog, reblog a game but not send in an ask from that game. If you reblog an ask game off of someone, sent in an ask from that game. Every little helps and it spreads the love around.

Tumblr is not like Instagram, likes are not the currency here. Reblog other people's art and moodboards and posts. Leave a comment in the tags about the things you like or what you felt like when you saw it, send in an ask about their post.

Remember that even though we are interacting through a screen, there is another person behind that screen; Wishing for the same things as you do.

Take Breaks

It can be tiring on here, takes up a lot of energy so taking breaks can be good for you.

It's not like your fos are going to run away the second you turn your back - come away from Tumblr for a bit and reconnect with the outside, touch some grass, take a walk outside for a while. Its can be for as long as you like. I usually find that I like to take these breaks when I have things planned, so like if I'm going somewhere or have a thing planned I generally just try and stay off Tumblr for as long as I can, till I really want to.

If you feel like your abandoning your fos then why not take them with you? what would they say when your outside? How would they react? What would you say back? things like that.

Like with many of my posts, I doubt it will get much attraction. But if one person sees it and it helps them, then that's my dues paid, my contribute made. A very special thank you to @echoes-lighthouse @wisemins @hibiscus-ships @tex-treasures @missnaunet @vanilla-ending, @multyshipping for all your tips and helps with making this post.

With that said, thank you for reading this and if you never see me again

Merry Meet, Merry Part and Merry met Again.

[vorthosjay]

Hi Jay. Not wanting to sound mean, but I really think it must be commented and that there's no softer way of doing that: the company's statement of Thunder Junction being an inhabitated plane prior to MoM is not a honest way of capitalizing on a sellable trope without touching its uncomfortable issues. It's even disrespectful. They have done it in a less flagrant way with Kaladesh and both Ixalan iterations, but now they've gotten too far with Thunder Junction. Colonialism is too big an issue to simply being put under the carpet as it never existed and we could just enjoy the sunny part of the history. I really hope Hasbro as a company acknowledges this and changes its way of dealing with the theme. Thanks for letting me pointing this.

Look, you caught me on a bad day, so I'm going to be as polite as possible but let's start with the foundation that this is not a complaint to direct at me. I have no control over any of this. Mark Rosewater exists and takes feedback on Tumblr.

But, let's talk about it, because I've seen some folks take this to extremes.

First off, I've seen a lot of well meaning folks speaking up on behalf of hypothetical indigenous americans, but I'd love to get takes from folks this actually impacts. I'd love for Wizards to post something about their work with cultural consultants, for sure. But the only actual thing I've seen so far is a great story from Magic's first indigenous american author. And when you're speaking on someone else's behalf, you tend to miss things. Like, Kaladesh is not the great representation of south asian culture that you might think when you jumped to it, and it's okay if you didn't know that, but it sort of proves the point that it's very difficult to actually protest on someone else's behalf. And I just haven't heard from anyone who has also mentioned they speak from authority or are impacted by this. That doesn't mean you're wrong, necessarily.

But here's the thing. Thunder Junction isn't history. It takes cues from the American West, sure, but it's a fake world. And sometimes it's okay for a fake world to ignore the bad things that happens in real life and create something more aspirational. Magic does this all the time. Magic doesn't have homophobia, but that isn't really realistic or representative of the real world, is it?

No one, and I mean literally no one, came to me and said that people of color needed to be ostracized and not allowed to work alongside the white people in the demon mob families of New Capenna. That racism was real, it was systemic, and it was violent. But did it need to be tackled in a fantasy crime drama based on america in the 20s? Should it have been? I don't think anyone would have enjoyed it as much. Sometimes it's just fun to play gangster.

Similarly, the colonization and manifest destiny that was the reality of the American West was tragic, but does that need to be our only depiction of indigenous peoples - being colonized? If they were erased completely from the narrative, that would be awful, but can't they just have fun being cool thunder slingers? The Atiin were developed with a consultant, and if you want answers ask Wizards to talk about it.

There's a reason the Oltec were depicted as being sealed off from the Immortal Sun drama that had happened on the surface. To have an aspirational mesoamerican culture that wasn't affected by the Dusk Legion and Azor and all that.

To put it in another perspective, does every period piece featuring black americans need to feature systemic racism to be respectful? Is Bridgerton disrespectful (I mean probably but not for that reason)?

The reason I've framed a lot of this as questions is because I don't necessarily think I know the right answer, especially not for a fantasy card game. I've worked with tribal governments in my emergency management career and spent a week on the Navajo Nation, and talked a lot about perspective on things, and I would not presume to know what the right answer to all of this is.

Edit: to be clear, Could it have been handled better? Probably. I will never deny that. But also it’s a complicated and fraught topic and I’d love to hear from the people wizards contracted who actually know what they’re talking about.

[isa-ghost]

Happy 1 year of existing, AMFMN. Wow.

To think a rant about the lack of truly Phil-centric fics spiraled into something that, a year later, has left me more creatively fulfilled than I have been in a long time... It's still crazy to think about.

To think that in just a year, saying fuck it we ball and writing my first proper fanfic has made me so many new friends, lead to me meeting so many new cool people, that has inspired so many others, that has won silly fandom awards, that has gotten amounts of fanart I never expected.

To think that just writing this fic has genuinely boosted my general self-confidence and improved my ability to take compliments beyond anything I could've imagined.

And it all started because I got a HINT of a canon possession arc that didn't actually happen until nearly 2 months later, and got insanely excited about it.

👆🏻 She had no idea this would be a 20 chapter 17,000+ hits fic with too many amazingly vivid and gut-wrenching scenes to count. She thought this was 5-6 chapters max.

👆🏻 She didn't know in roughly 2 months she would watch this chapter play out almost point for point, but in the new Reset part of the island.

She had no idea she'd get hit with Apollo's dodgeball like 20 times throughout the canon possession arc.

The fact that it only took 3 days for the fic to double in its expected length. And then it turned into 20 and an alternate crack ending.

👆🏻 She didn't know she'd be assigned famous author by dozens of other Crows she'd never met before. She doesn't know Ama herself will read the fic. She doesn't know MaepleTea will read the fic.

👆🏻 Thank every single one of you for making it worth committing a year+ of blood sweat and tears into this fic. For engaging so much both on ao3 and Tumblr, for sending asks, for tuning into streams where I just gush about the fic for the same length as a Phil stream, for excitedly asking about updates and basically never demanding me to update on your terms. Thank you for showing AMFMN so much love, and for being so invested in it that you've given my other smaller works and wips a chance too.

I will never not be grateful for the astronomical amounts of luck I've had with how much reception the fic has gotten. I had no concept of average fic stats at the start, so to have it explained to me what a big deal it is to reach these numbers... I genuinely can't comprehend it. I wish everyone had this kind of luck.

I don't have the time for a celebratory stream today, but maybe this weekend, if Offscot and my beta readers are available to host and be there <3

[stilljuststardust]

Hey

Idk if you remember me but I sent you an ask before. Unfortunately i'm still miserable. I feel like the "you already have it" advice doesn't work for me, at least for shifting, and gives me mental breakdowns instead. There's so much stuff i'm sad about and idk how to get over the attitude that being sad = your manifestation won't happen.

I cry to myself about how much life sucks like once a week. I'm disappointed in myself that i've been on loa tumblr for like a year and seemingly learned nothing since I haven't gotten anything I wanted. Idk what the ppl that manifest easily are doing differently than me, or how to make what they do work for me. Idk what to do I feel like all the mainstream advice

I try to follow like "imagine it and chill out" or "you already have it" just give me mental breakdowns instead of success. Idk what to do i'm really tired. Please help

Hello again, I do remember you.

My perspective has changed a bit over this past year. I'm sorry that it wasn't what you needed then. You don't have to feel great, you don't have to feel anything.

It's not about doing everything right, you're just repeating something till your subconscious manifests it. You don't have to jump through hoops or suppress your emotions you just have to saturate your mind.

This is sloppier than I'd like. It's 3 am and though I've been thinking of what I'd like to say I'm a bit too out of it for it to come out how I need it. I don't want you to wait longer though so I'll post it anyways.

Similar post where I said all of this better

Also, I know you've read this before but you really should again:

It's ok to feel like shit

Your emotions don't manifest. If you just need to be told that I can say it as many times as you like. Half the stuff I've manifested I was cranky or anxious or mad when I did it. Half the time I didn't believe it'd happen and then it did. Half the time I felt how you do. You can do it. I promise.

I don't use fulfilment for the same reason you mentioned, stressed me out. For me personally it was vague and didn't allow me to anchor myself.

It's ok that you feel like shit. It's ok that you're scared. It's ok that you're hurting. You can still do this and I promise you don't have to magically defy your emotions to do it.

In terms of how to change the actual belief you just affirm the opposite. You learned it through repetition it's unlearned the same way. Anti-climatic I know. I used to have a rule that if I said something bad about myself I would repeat three things good. Maybe when you have that belief come up your repeat three reasons why you can feel like shit and still manifest.

Stop punishing yourself for having emotions. Suppressing emotions has never made them go away and I can tell you from experience it is a losing battle. You can feel them, it's ok.

In my opinion you need to take a break. Take that pressure off. Right now it's a burden of its own and it's just piling onto everything else you're feeling.

You need to take a couple days where you don't push yourself so hard. No methods or law or anything. Process your emotions and let yourself breathe for a bit.

Chill. Not as a method or a tool but just genuine mental health advice. I know taking a break won't solve the issues in your life but neither will beating yourself up every day. Ground yourself and let out everything you're pushing down because it is clearly weighing on you.

You have been putting near constant pressure on yourself for a year. In my experience the pressure you're putting on yourself is more suffocating than your actual feelings. The most painful thing is usually our refusal to feel it.

When I would suppress my emotions it felt like constantly running away from my life. I didn't feel better, the suppression just became an additional burden. We let out emotions because that's how they leave us. If we hold them in that's where they'll stay, inside of us.

Cry for an hour, throw a fit, write in a burn book. Give yourself permission to fucking feel. (You can do this even when manifesting something btw)

When you're ready to come back to manifestation don't return to emotional suppression. Feel what you feel just don't repeat the old story to yourself. What I mean by that is you are 100% allowed to feel like absolute shit just don't affirm for anything you don't want.

Get off Tumblr and get away from all the noise telling you what to do or shaming you for mistakes.

Stick to robotic affirmations instead of fulfillment . The only goal is to repeat a sentence/thought that implies you have it and avoid repeating anything that implies you don't.

Feel whatever you want, it's robotic because feeling is not a factor. It's a definable goal so you don't have to be constantly asking if you're doing it right.

10 minutes whenever you can just repeat what you want. That's your only goal do not add anything else to it. Don't try something new when you get anxious, stick to a schedule and take care of yourself. I say this because I think what you need is something solid to ground yourself with instead of a less defined goal.

Don't ignore your mental health in the name of living in the end. Living in the end is just refusing to affirm shit you don't want.

Your biggest obstacle is your self hatred. This is speculation but it sounds to me like when you waver or give into the 3D you respond to it by chastising yourself.

Maybe you have an unconscious belief that self discipline = scolding yourself or this is just your knee jerk reaction to mistakes. You can recognize the need for change without berrating yourself. Sometimes healing isn't linear, sometimes we slip up, that doesn't mean there is something wrong with you.

From a different post but I honestly don't think I can rephrase this better:

You cannot shame yourself better. Hating yourself, comparing yourself to others, being cruel to yourself because you "aren't doing good enough" has never helped you. If you only have one person in your corner it should be you. If you have only one person telling you to keep going it should be you.

On days when everything seems out of your control you can control how you treat yourself. You deserve kindness and patience too. It's ok if you have setbacks. It's ok if you got off track.

It's ok to trust yourself. It's ok to tell yourself you're good enough and that what you're doing is enough. It's ok to tell yourself that you're good at this.

You feel things very deeply and there is nothing wrong with that. Shame will not push you out of it.

You are consistently reinforcing the beliefs that you:

1. Are not good enough to manifest

2. Cannot change and

3. Will fail if you try again

Self defacing behavior is doing NOTHING but further a negative self concept/make you feel like shit.

You are good enough. There is nothing wrong with you. You do not have to become someone else to get what you want because you are enough.

Links

Manifest with anger subliminal

Manifest with sadness subliminal

Manifest with impatience subliminal

Success stories with robotic affirmations (aka without emotion)

My favorite manifestation video "you only have one limiting belief"

[ladymirdan]

Warning, fandom rant.

I was gonna piggyback ride off Tagedezorns post about falling out of love with the fandom.

Dont get me wrong, I still fucking LOVE 40k.

Im having a great time painting my minis, reading the lore, reading and talking with the BL authors on twitter or talking the ears off the staff in my local GW (don't worry, they love it, and they have some fantastic HC’s too!)

But the rest of it is sadly losing its appeal for me as well, and it saddens me to see other fan artists or writers feeling the same, I thought it was just me.

When I first started to become active in the shipping fandom about a couple of years ago it was fantastic. I felt so welcome and wanted, I had never gotten a reception like that in any fandom before. I even faced my fear and started writing fanfiction, and people seemed to love it.

But the last months/year it feels like it's all gone. As if Tumblr has died, it feels like I'm shouting into the void. (I have a few people who still interact on my posts and I see you and I love you). But I have eightdoubled my followers last year, but that hasn't resulted in any more interaction, other than a few more likes. But to be fair, likes does nothing.

Im not an influencer or a content creator, and I have zero aspirations to become one. That is why I stopped doing tiktoks. I do not want to chase trends or algorithms, I want to be unhinged about my blorbos and see people being unhinged about their blorbos in turn.

I love the intense passion fandom can have, even when it's not a character I'm personally into.

I really don't want Tumblr to die. I have tried Discord and it was the most alienating and disheartening experience I've had since like high school.

When I first tried it out it was soo much fun, but as time went on, more and more people who seemed to like me stopped posting on there, and more and more whenever I posted I just got straight up ignored.

I could post in a channel that had been dead for weeks, and suddenly people started posting about other things, everyone ignoring what I wrote. If it happened once or twice I wouldn't have bothered, but a dozen or more times? It just fucking sucks. I noticed how it started affecting my mental health, trying to reach out and talk to people, but just being talked around and over. So I just stopped posting.

If someone doesn't like me on Tumblr I won't notice or get sad, but seeing it happen in real-time just fucking sucks.

And also, on Tumblr there is always the off chance that your post gets necromanced. That just doesn't happen on Discord.

And another thing that has happened a lot is I write a fic or a Tumblr post. It gets zero interaction, and I'm like “oh I guess no one is interested about that,” and then I see that someone has just reposted my fic/post in a discord and people are geeking out over it over there.

I'm not a paid artist/writer. I do what I do because I want to geek out over something, preferably with someone else. But I effectively become removed from my art. People are discussing it, just not with me.

Dealing with being unliked as a person fucking sucks. Especially when it's supposed to be your hobby-fun-time. And it is making me not want to post stuff anymore.

[lunarleonardo]

What keeps you motivated to write fan fiction? Also, love your drv3 x pressure fic :3

Just the fact I can, to be honest. Before I started posting to ao3, I had my "Great Big Book of Oneshots", which was a google doc I'd just write write write in until I hit Google Docs' character limit and had to make a new one.

The reason I can keep writing as much as I do is because A), i'm hardly ever affected by writers block. When I am, I just do something else until I can sit down and lock in again xD Forcing myself to write will never be productive. B) it's fun!! It's so much fun!! Why would I want to stop something objectively enjoyable ??

and C) ao3 and Wattpad.

I love writing, and I love fanfiction. I started out on Wattpad and eventually fully migrated over to ao3 because the ads kept pissing me off, but I have read so many amazing stories on both sites. I loved seeing more of my favs, especially in the Situations. and on the rare occasion it's something i relate to and find personal comfort in ?? ohhhh boy. buddy. it's so nice. I wanted to be a part of that ^^

Part of why I only had the confidence to keep posting fanfics is because everyone was SOOO so nice </3 and I've gotten some comments here and there that are kind of rude or :/ (one of which i find absolutely hysterical and i can NOT get over it. commenting that i "don't see kokichi as a character outside of saiouma" is a crazy thing to say on Fever Frost, the saiouma despair disease fic where kokichi has the attachment disease LMFAOOOO. I should write another despair disease fic) But really I think I was expecting....way less. as of right now my Tumblr has like 150+ followers iirc which . like...woah......... when did that happen. Last time i checked my followers was to giggle at it being 53 and then BOOM. insane behavior. what the hell was the original ask

Oh yeah motivation . Having such good reception to my fics has definitely helped in the whole self-confidence department, and it has helped me a LOT in terms of my anxiety. Whether Im posting my fics or not, I am always writing fanfiction, no matter if its in my Oneshot Volumes or for ao3 (´▽｀*)

Nowadays I just really really like ao3 for its archival use. I reread my own fics a lot because there's no other extensive Shuichi whump fics :( and ao3 has made that a lot easier. The more comfortable I get on ao3 the more insane I'll probably become, so if you see something called The Lyre Room just know that's where I've gone completely off the deep end xD

sorry for the yap session i like talking about myself @_@; And also Thank you!!! :D Unexpendable was a pain in the ass to write and i am NEVER doing something like that again but i love how it came out. crazy cus the first ever fanfic i posted ever was a crossover fic. the history book had a roommate or something idk

alright im not rereading allat press post

[mumms-the-word]

Love Letters

Alistair and Lucy Amell

These letters were written as a collaboration between @callmethebrightness and myself for the lovely @elspethdekarios's birthday. callmethebrightness wrote the AMAZING letter from Alistair (and I'm obsessed with it, she nailed his voice so well) while I wrote Lucy Amell's reply letter <3 This was so much fun to work on and I am in awe of the talent my friends have in this little corner of tumblr. Thank you @elspethdekarios for trusting us with your OC! I hope you have the happiest of birthdays and that you adore these love letters!

Full text under the cut!

Alistair's Letter by @callmethebrightness

To Warden-Commander Lucy Amell, Hero of Ferelden: Lucy, I love you. I know, bad form to start a letter like that; without even a hello and how are you, but it's literally the only thing that comes to mind when I think of you, so I had to write it down first. I love you. There. Now to the rest. We're making strides looking into the Wardens and Corypheus, this "false Calling" he's managed, though it's not the sort of progress I'm particularly excited about. Every time I think I've figured out the worst of it, more bad news rears its ugly head. I'm a bit less skeptical now that we have some proper allies: not only the Champion of Kirkwall, but Inquisitor Sulah Lavellan, who has all her people putting their heads together to do something about all this. We should consider having an army at our disposal for all our problems, it's really marvelously convenient. Skyhold is an amazing place. Not just the fortress itself, where I've gotten into all sorts of places I shouldn't be ("Oh, I haven't seen this door before" -- surprise, it's a dungeon. No, thank you.) but the people and the activity here. It feels like everyone from the servants to the Inquisitor herself is committed to working together. I've met Fereldans, Orlesians, city elves, surface dwarves, ex-Templars, mages, farmers, nobles, Chantry sisters, Dalish spies, qunari, Tevinters...I could go on. If anything might be able to actually unite all of Thedas, the way the Chantry says it does, it's this thing. It's this place. Maker, I wish you could see it. Every time I see something incredible in my travels, I think that, you know. "Lucy would love this, I wish she could see it." And every time I see something horrible I think, "Maker, I wish Lucy was with me." You get the idea, don't you? You, with me, all the time, no matter what. Sometimes you're all I think about. But you knew that already. We're going to figure this thing out, Lucy. I'm going to make sure the Wardens have nothing more to fear from this Elder One, even if I have to fight him myself. And when you return, whether you've found what you're looking for or not, and I see you again -- I'm going to take you in my arms and never let you go. I mean it. That's not an exaggeration. I never want to be apart from you again, Lucy. Nothing is more important to me than that. What else? I love you. I miss you. Leliana is scarier than ever, but in a good way. I've eaten Orlesian cheese and do not care for it. I miss you. I told the Inquisition's ambassador I would include a small note in their missive to the Hero of Ferelden but my letter is now longer than the official one. I hope those creepy ravens of Leliana's can carry a little extra weight. When you see it, write her back and tell her it's creepy; she won't listen to me. There are less terrible birds, Leliana. Maker, I miss you so much I don't want to stop writing to you. Is that odd? Probably. But you wouldn't say odd. "Alistair, you're too sweet." That's what you always say when I'm being a fool, especially a lovestruck fool. Can't say I don't appreciate it, though. I'll write you again soon. There's talk of the fortress at Adamant, a potential siege. All sorts of military talk I do not care for. Whatever happens, you'll hear from me soon. I never can stand to wait long. Yours forever, Alistair

Lucy Amell's Letter (by me)

To Warden Alistair: [In a smaller script] Leliana, don’t be nosy! You’ve got your own letter! My darling, I love you. I don’t care if it’s bad form, just seeing those words at the start of your letter gave me so much joy and comfort that I couldn’t even read the rest of letter at first. I just wanted to linger there on those words and imagine them in your voice. I love you. I love you. I love you. And, Maker’s breath, I miss you, too. As my journey out west bring me farther and farther away from recognizable society, I find myself traveling alone more often than not. There are good people out here, and plenty of interesting distractions, and more than enough danger to keep my mind occupied, but again and again I wish you were at my side. I know taking down the Elder One is important, but these days I wish I had been more selfish and brought you along. But what’s done is done, and it’s good that you’re there, trying to shake some sense into our fellow Wardens. Someone has to.  What you’ve told me about the situation, and what little Inquisitor Lavellan has included in her letter, troubles me. It sounds like Corypheus is more dangerous than we thought…but if the Inquisition has the army and the resources that you say it does, then I trust them to succeed. And I trust you to survive whatever comes your way. We’ve gotten out of worse scrapes, the two of us, haven’t we? Regardless, I’ve asked Inquisitor Lavellan to look after you. I know, I know, you would say I’m fussing over you too much (but I know you love it). But if she’s your ally, then she’s my ally too, and I feel no shame in asking this much of her. I want you in one piece when we meet again, my love. Be good for me. Don’t wander into dungeons that you can’t wander out of. Avoid the Orlesian cheese if you hate it so much. Remind Leliana to eat every now and again. I know her work keeps her busy, and I can only imagine that the death of the Divine has shaken her more than she’s letting on. And take care of yourself, too.  Oh, and I’m not telling Leliana that her birds are creepy. Just be glad she’s not sending missives via nug, or we’d never get letters to one another. I’ll write soon, my darling. I love you. I miss you. Yours always, Lucy [below, in a messier scrawl, as if added to the end of the page in haste] Alistair, I’m glad I didn’t send this letter right away! I’ve got big news. I think I’ve found something, and if I’m right, it means the end of this journey is in sight. I don’t want to say what it is just yet, but…I have a really good feeling about this. This might be the cure we’ve been hoping for.  But if not, I don’t care. If it’s not this, then I’ve got nothing else to investigate out here. If this isn’t our cure, then the silver lining is this—I’m coming home, and nothing is going to stop me. Meet me in Redcliffe when all of this is said and done. Whether I’ve found the cure for our Callings or not, I will be there, in the place we first started to fall in love, at the start of the next summer. And once we are together again, my love, I swear that nothing will ever separate us again. With all my love, Lucy

[rosalindbeatrice]

Thought I'd dust off this 10-year-old Tumblr and invite A03 readers and any Bob Dylan fans to keep up with my writing here. Other unrelated content to maybe be added, maybe not. I really struggle with personal writing. I always think of it as looking at one's own excrement and then inviting others to gawk too. It feels strange and gross to write a blog and expect others to be interested in it. RE: The Patient. Part VI is in progress. I got blocked in late October--or maybe that's just a grand way of saying "busy." I have a personal life into which I'm forever cramming little interests in side projects, and then it was November 5, 2024, and then of course the unthinkable happened again, which I suppose makes it thinkable. And maybe that's why it wasn't as devastating this time around. I used the occasion to disconnect from the political news cycle and continue a recent left turn into poetry, which I haven't written in 15 odd years or so. Actually Bob Dylan was the reason for my foray back into it. I saw him live in September and was quite moved by the experience. I got to thinking about his legacy, all the interpretations and expectations people put on his lyrics and performances and public endeavors throughout the years, and the disappointment it seemed like 5/6 of the audience that night felt over the fact he's not attempting to play recognizable versions of his songs. Which is ridiculous, because you can go back to 1966 and he wasn't attempting to replicate the recorded versions. It seems ridiculous that anyone should expect an 83-year-old to try to mimic a 25-year-old. So a poem came pouring out and I sent out it for publication. I secretly hope it will be so good that the editors will have no choice to select it. I'm also realistic, since I've gotten my first rejections the past couple months. That's one of my other behind-the-scenes projects. I'm shopping around a book to an agent (not fiction) and I've gotten three or four rejections so far, and I'm just letting it "bake" for now, just like I've been letting The Patient bake, but more on that in a moment.

In November, Bob tweeted: "Saw Nick Cave in Paris recently at the Accor Arena and I was really struck by that song Joy where he sings ‘We’ve all had too much sorrow, now it the time for joy.' I was thinking to myself, yeah that’s about right.” I read Cave's response, and particularly loved this:

I did indeed feel it was a time for joy rather than sorrow. There had been such an excess of despair and desperation around the election, and one couldn’t help but ask when it was that politics became everything.

The world had grown thoroughly disenchanted, and its feverish obsession with politics and its leaders had thrown up so many palisades that had prevented us from experiencing the presence of anything remotely like the spirit, the sacred, or the transcendent – that holy place where joy resides.

While I abhor the lazy line of thinking (and I'm not at all suggesting this is where Cave is coming from) that "both sides are at fault/just as bad/to blame" and have no intention of disengaging from politics, at least locally, Bob and Cave's reflections had me reflecting. Life is so short. Music, poetry, writing, and nature make it worth living. There's something to be said for tuning out of the hateful noise and tuning into those things, at least for select periods. So I wrote poetry and I drank in music and I finished the book I started that night at Bob's concert, Susan Hill's Strange Meeting. I'd never heard of Hill before but had picked up my 1970s paperback copy at a "donate what you can" book sale earlier that day because it was slim enough to carry around. This chance purchase ended up being my favorite book of the year. Not only is Hill an amazing writer, the whole experience of the book was just gutting. I realized midway through that it's a love story. There are no overt overtones of queerness, although I suppose you could read the book that way if you wanted. I kept thinking about the characters days after I read it. I've just bought three or four more of her books. So to get back to The Patient, I haven't written partly because I've been busy in my personal life and partly because I've been directing my creative energies elsewhere. I'd be lying if I didn't acknowledge I was stuck on the story, though. I know how it ends, but I couldn't see the footpath there. It didn't bother me overtly. I don't know if I really believe in writer's block, at least for me. I've learned that I go through periods of fallowness and periods of intense growth. I was letting it percolate before I started pushing it along with pomodoros. At some point today, though, I started chewing over Bob and Joyce again, and things clicked. I know fan fiction is "only" fan fiction, but I still take it seriously. I want to do right by the characters.* They just weren't talking to me lately. I know what Joyce wants and what she thinks so wants, and I know what Bob thinks he wants and he's afraid of, but I didn't know what happens in the meantime. So anyway, I'm about 4k words into the chapter with 5k to 6k to go. Estimated completion date is January. The overachiever in me wanted to finish it before the Chalamet film was released yesterday, partly because I didn't want anyone to think the story had been influenced by the film, but the part of me that's gone to therapy said, 'Slow down and chill the fuck out.' I haven't seen the Chalamet film, but I'm cautiously optimistic. I might go catch it on Monday or Tuesday. I don't find Chalamet much of a heartthrob. It's the elder millennial in me I think. Also the me that just detests pop culture. I saw him in Little Women and completely forgot he'd been in it. The more checked out I am from pop culture the better. Anyway, enjoy this photo of Bob by the pool ca. 1965 that I stole off the Internet. You can find The Patient here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/55283422?view_full_work=true

*Make no mistake, Joyce and Bob are characters. I have no pretense that I know Bob Dylan. I can make educated guesses about Bob Dylan. Plus writing is just fun, doubly so with real musical artists and writers because they're so multilayered. There's a lot of material to work with, but you get to fill in the interstitials too.

[polyamorousmood]

Hi! I've viewed your blog for quite some time now and I've gotten the urge to send this ask a few times now but I've always gotten nervous about it. Like I accidentally forget to put on anonymous mode or something. But I've finally worked up the courage to ask for your advice on this.

So I um...I pretty recently discovered I'm polyamorous. It felt weird and first but now it just...feels right to me. It's great, and I'm glad I discovered more about myself. But I've also been having issues due to...crushes.

I may have...gotten a crush on a couple.

(This is an online thing, for the record)

I had just been trying to get over my previous crush due to some stuff happening (Nothing bad mind, we're still good friends) when I briefly talked to this person. I had seen them around quite a bit and they seemed nice so I'd always liked them in a way, just not like this. Then suddenly after that talk I...kept thinking about them. More and more I kept thinking about how cool they were and how funny they were and how cute they must- Ah crap.

Yeah, I realized pretty quickly I got a crush on them. So, knowing they're a fairly well known artist in the fandom I met them in, I rushed to Twitter to check out their account to see if they already have a partner. Low and behold, they do! So everything should be good and I can move on...right?

...

I developed a crush on their partner too after doing more digging.

So now I'm kind of just...scared because I've never had a crush on a couple before. I'm not really sure what to do. I've done the usual stuff I do with my initial crush. Just saying hello and having some chats with them to become their friend and it's been really fun! But I just...I don't know how I'd get to talking with their partner or hinting at my feelings. I don't wanna feel like a creep or weirdo or anything.

This is all very new to me and I'm a little scared. I'm trying to brave my way through this and I'm gonna try and confess at some point. But I just...don't really know how at the moment. Not like I intend to confess any time soon, we're still relatively new to each other.

Do you have any advice?

Heyyy, congrats and welcome to the team!!!! 😊😊

Its a lot of fun here, and I'm happy to have you aboard.

I've answered a similar ask before, but I can't find it now (thanks tumblr search disfunction!) so you probably don't have a prayer.

Basically, step one is to mention your own polyamory, and see how they react (once you get to a point that's a normal thing to do, since you said its still early). If they seem uncomfortable, take that as your no. If they seem polite, proceed with caution, and if they get suspiciously into it, well... I'd take that as a good sign

Fingers crossed for you!! 🤞🤞

[fuckyeahfightlock]

Got a vaccination yesterday so my immune system is making my body feel like I have A Disease (hence, no me on tumblr last night; I'm sure you missed me). Now I have 90% immunity against a disease I lived in active fear about for the last few years. Science is real and it is good.

Here's something I'm going to let go of, by conveying it to you. I've been holding onto it for several years and it does not serve me.

Once in a while when I need to write a smut scene in a fic and I'm just not feeling it, I will go to a book or fic with a smut scene I enjoy, and basically use its mechanics and progression (ie, A gives B a handy, B talks dirty, B sucks off A; or B bounces on A's lap, then A bends B over the bed, and B jacks off). I just use the sex acts in the order presented, with minimal other reference to the original text (obviously I would not copy dialogue, or use any unique phrase that appears in the text, or in any other way copy the author's work).

Sometimes you're just not in the mood; it helps to have a foundation to build on. It's strictly choreography that I'm borrowing. I actually think of this as a useful trick, to the extent that at some point if anyone were to ask for tips on smut-writing, I might have included it in a list of suggestions. Not feeling it? Look to a scene you like and have yr blorbos do that stuff.

Here's the part I need to let go of.

In one sex scene in Boyfriend Material, I looked to a scene I like from Elinor Grey's Compound a Felony for who goes where. I wrote it in my style, with "my" Sherlock and John, with my dialogue and descriptions. The first time Elinor Grey (an author I admire; one of the few in the fandom I have fangirled over) commented on that fic was on the chapter after that scene, then never again. As far as I knew, she was not usually one of my readers. At the time, I imagined maybe some reader of mine directed her attention to the scene as proof of me having "plagiarised" something she wrote.

I have been in a mild state of cringe/embarrassment over it ever since. I think about it often, and it always bothers me.

I'm letting it go. Maybe someone (somehow--I've reread the scene many times and I honestly think it's not recognisable as anything to do with her book other than the order in which the sex positions happen) went tattling to her; that makes them a cringey person, and is no reflection on me. Maybe she was being passive-aggressive by commenting only then, in I See You Villain fashion; maybe she just genuinely liked the story and was for some reason only inspired to comment then, coincidentally.

I'm tired of feeling bad about this thing there's no reason to feel bad about. I'm letting it go. I wrote my thing, my way, and I refuse to wreck my joy at having written it and shared it with readers and gotten so much wonderful feedback with my own overthinking.

[kenzietensei]

Thoughts on sweet pool

So, I installed this game on my laptop a couple years ago, and only played about an hour into it at the time. This past week I was dogsitting and my laptop was with me, so I thought to play through the various endings of sweet pool.

I'd gotten the game because I read a tumblr post about the history of omegaverse, and I thought it would be interesting to see the origin of some of those tropes. I'm not into omegaverse, though I've read one or two fics using that setup. I'm not really into BL either, and most visual novels I've played have been otome or mystery stories. Also not a fan of gore or horror! So, uh, really not the audience for this title XD

Even so, I found the game compelling and it's been rotating in my brain the last few days since I got through the whole thing. There are a couple points in which I think my perspective might be unique so I figured I'd share. Spoilers below. If you're familiar with the plot, you'd also know what content warnings might apply here, so keep that in mind too >.>

First, I wanna go over some points I haven't really seen discussed/explicated anywhere that stuck out to me!

About the parasites:

The infodump that Kitani reads mentions markmeat, which I've seen reviews refer to as the stuff Youji passes. I'm pretty certain the fleshy bits are actually the fleshseeds and the markmeat is the 'bloodlike' pheromone which seeps out of Youji's neck.

The only people who can see this stuff is supposedly hosts. If you're a host, you'll become either Osu or Mesu. But it's unclear when that transition happens. Is it like a secondary puberty? Zenya's issues have been with him a long time, but he's also an unusual case. Tetsuo has had regenerative talent from childhood. Youji's accident was several years ago, but only very recently has he begun emitting pheromones.

There are at least two other people who can see these signs of the parasite who are unaffiliated with the cult as far as we know! There are rumors going around the school of blood and guts in the chem lab, and a separate rumor about blood and guts in the boys bathroom. Both incidents come about through a male student becoming alarmed and upset upon seeing something no one else can confirm is there. If it had been the same kid, I think the rumors would go a little differently (aka such and such has gone mad, that sort of thing) so I think its fair to say that more than one boy is effected. This indicates these boys are hosts, and also that they don't know about the biological aspects, at the absolute least.

Who are these kids? Are they children who were exposed like Zenya was? If they knew about the cult, they probably wouldn't have freaked out in public, so they're uninitiated and possibly not experiencing any symptoms (IE the way Youji was?). Receiving purebreed flesh is the only way we really see discussed for becoming a host, but then how did Tetsuo develop? Do some people just inherit this from their parents?

Speaking of inheritance, Youji's situation introduces some questions too. He seems to have been physically passed along his father's parasite during the accident... like it entered his wound and this ultimately revived/remade him. Whether Youji was going to eventually develop into a host through inheriting that in a different way, had the accident never occurred, isn't discussed. In the pool, Youji can will himself to do the same for Tetsuo - so did his parasite enter Tetsuo? Taken with the state Youji is in during that epilogue, it's pretty vague what happened. But should we take that to mean that a new parasite melding into the body of a host can revive them?

We are given a decent idea of what Osu and Mesu are. But there seem to be others involved with the cult who aren't dealing with these same symptoms. Kamiya is around high school boys every day and not driving any of them mad. Kunihito couldn't see the Sodomites until after he was shot - even though his family were long time participants in the cult. Furthermore, had either of them been Osu, wouldn't they have been interested to learn of Youji the Mesu? So, are they hosts? Interestingly, there's a moment in the school with Kunihito that makes me really wonder. Kitani interacts with his boss, who is alive (even though narration from Youji earlier seemed to indicate Kunihito had died) for the moment. Then Kitani sees a wriggler entering a wound, and it seems to be attached firmly. He rips it away and shoots it, and then next thing you know, Kunihito is dead. Was that his parasite, keeping him alive, or a new Sodomite trying to enter as a parasite and then reform Kunihito's body? Did Kitani's actions here actually doom his boss?

Can you have a host and then lose it? Might Zenya's state have been fixed by removing the inner being? As a fierce believer, it's obvious why Kunihito wouldn't have opted to do that, though. But I feel like the grand ending suggests that Tetsuo has lost this aspect of himself in the epilogue. He takes a long time to heal, after all. Perhaps in wishing they could live together as humans, Youji caused their parasites to detach?

The whole situation with Youji is so bizarre. He's perpetually weak with a lung disorder, lives barely nourishing himself, and experiences numerous intense injuries over the course of like 2 weeks while undergoing debilitating physical changes. I get why, bereft of regenerative abilities, he would die at the end of the plot.

I think the violins version of Miracles May suggests Youji succeeds in saving Tetsuo at the cost of himself. And the grand ending seems to say that in rejecting the Sodomites, in not sacrificing himself for Tetsuo, Youji does not get his wish in full - he wants to live on with Tetsuo as humans, which I think only half works (Tetsuo managed to pull through after being wounded), and Tetsuo speaks his name one last time, but I don't think Youji is truly around anymore. But I feel like Tetsuo is a human at this point. And perhaps Youji died as a human, too. I just don't get why there was an attempt to cover up his passing? Like the scandal at the academy is already pretty bad, wouldn't it make enough sense to say two students stopped into the school that day and both were accosted by the yakuza and one of them perished? It seems like it's vague just to confuse the audience.

About the characters:

Was Makoto sensitive to the pheromones just cause he happened to be? Or like was it because he was attracted to men that the pheromone could harm him like that? Because I feel like either reading is supported by the text. At what point, removed from the impact of the pheromones, would Makoto regain his sanity? He seems himself when we see him in the hospital. But in his ending, a week has passed since Youji disappeared. We can't know how long it's been since only bones remain - like at what point will the Mesu pheromones no longer be present in Makoto's system? He seems to be still outside his own control at the close of his story.

On endings, it's pointed out that purebreeds can use pheromones to control even normal people. But the degree of *control* is something I wonder about. Like, Youji's pheromones elicited control over others, chaining them to a desire beyond their own sanity. But Youji isn't the one holding the leash, so to speak. Tetsuo's scent also caused this to happen to Youji. And like, the ending where they breed & the prominence of instinct in that route suggests that this final choice is something they submit to rather than a choice they make under their own rational control. So I wonder about the purebreeds ability to control others... is it an active ability, or does it elicit an instinctual response in others?

We see the lump of flesh that Kunihito worships, and from his uncle's journal we know he was once a captivating young man. But he "gave too much of himself to his followers" and now is a weakened flesh slab... Honestly this whole bit of the journal is super suspect. It's phrased like that was a thing the purebreed did of it's own volition, but I don't think we're supposed to accept that at face value. As more of it's flesh was taken, it became weaker - so weak, that members of the organization were sufficiently outside of it's "control" to act on a revolt. Up to that point, was the cult compelled to consume the purebreed's flesh, regardless of it's wishes, due to it's outrageous pheromones? Or did the purebreed willingly give of itself but go to far and tipped the balance of control outside it's own favor? Could the cult have failed at this moment, and prevented the events of the story from ever coming to pass? It seems like there are other purebreeds elsewhere in the world, though, or have been throughout history, so I don't know that the japanese branch falling would end the Sodomites' bid to live on.

Uncle Okinaga can't explain why he tried to protect the purebreed, only that he was compelled to do so in remembering the boy's smile. In one route, Kitani encounters the newborn purebreed. Is he a slave from this point on? Will Kitani end up feeding on the purebreed? It's an uncomfortable question I was left with.

Speaking of Kitani, I feel really mixed about him. On the one hand, he is sympathetic. His shit childhood leads to him forming a traumatic bond with Kunihito. This is actually one of the most upsetting moments of the game, for me! Lol moreso than the gore, tbh. He's at his lowest moment, his body is failing, and this powerful man comes and exerts that power over him through assault. Kitani's instincts take over (he struggles to live). Kunihito says, work for me, you might as well die for a purpose... It really mirrors what happens to Youji so strongly! Like, Youji's connection to Tetsuo is in many ways just the same as this - he is overpowered by Tetsuo, and in the horror of his changing biology, Youji finds that being accepted as he is to be worth the discomforting aspects of the bond. Kitani likewise accepts the worst aspects of the Okinaga family as the price for having a place and a people to belong to. It isn't a loyalty earned through goodness or affection. In the Diving Deep ending, Kitani is said to feel aimless and purposeless without his family, and it seems like he might not care about living any longer. We see in different endings Youji submit his own life to the cost of a 'higher purpose,' whether that be procreation or saving Tetsuo. Ultimately, I don't think either of these men really formed healthy attachments to others and it is worthy of sympathy.

On the other hand! Kitani has committed himself to the Okinaga family, to the point that his support of them is more instinctual than rational choice. He knows it's abnormal, but he still goes ahead and does the eyeball thing, supports Kunihito's religious fervor, never intervenes in anything they've got going on (until the point comes where outside forces - Kamiya - threaten his family). He feels horrible about hurting women and children, but he beats a high schooler on orders from Zenya, and helps Zenya kidnap Tetsuo and Youji. Like, I think he'd already looked into Youji's background at this point, so once Zenya's done with Youji for the time being, Kitani knowingly dumps this frail, frequently hospitalized boy who has just undergone a brutal beating in the trash disposal area of the house where he lives alone with no one to care for him. That is abhorrent. Then, he helps Zenya kidnap this same boy a second time, at which point the boy is kept as a sex slave. Kitani is not in the dark about this - he is an adult and knows both Kunihito and Zenya are mentally unstable, and that these actions are not only harmful or illegal, but seriously jeopardize Youji's life. And then, the real kicker? Zenya really loved it when Kitani sewed Kristi a lil yukata to match Zenya's outfit. So, Kitani dutifully makes his new pet, Youji, an outfit as well! I'm sure seeing Zenya so happy really made it all worth it, huh Kitani?

About my feelings:

So, I played this game at a point in time where I was actively on my period lol I still am right now as a matter of fact. And although I initially started it earlier before this was part of my life, in the interim time I had bariatric surgery and have developed a different relationship to food, hunger, my biology, and the often uncomfortable bowel changes that came with it.

It's horrible, but my partner didn't flinch away from the hard truths that came with major surgery. We've had to discuss diarrhea and incontinence and foul gas. Early on, there were days I thought I would die of embarrassment, but he loved me regardless. Thankfully, the biggest problems of the early days are mostly a thing of the past, but it's not something I'm liable to ever forget. I felt so bad for Youji, going through something that altered him intrinsically like that, with no one to support him. When he takes Tetsuo's actions to be unconditional acceptance of his mortifying biology, this leads Youji to bond with the man at the expense of his own being. He becomes subsumed into this bond. Had Erika's situation been different at the time, I don't think Youji would have clung to Tetsuo's lack of repulsion as if it were love.

Further, I felt a kinship to Youji's difficulty feeding himself that was absolutely absent the first time I played any of the game. Having been through a great deal of nausea, food repulsion, and experiencing my body at it's weakest, I was just as worried about his health as before but more sympathetic to the forces at play than last time.

As for the menstrual aspect, I can totally vibe with the idea that this bodily change is a repulsive, dirty, shame-inducing experience which alienates a person from their peers and from their own body. When I'm on my period, I do feel like my body is outside of my control, and knowing it's for a function (childbirth) isn't some welcome news. Like I have to put aside myself as an individual person (mind) to deal with the realities of my form (woman) for the time being, and it's jarring and uncomfortable. In this regard, I feel the reason vs instinct system is so well supported by the story's themes!

Also, uh, as someone who has experienced painful sex, anal sex, and painful anal sex in my life, the sex scenes were pretty intense to play through. Like the agony is well written and Youji's lack of consent is ever present. When he becomes aroused, it is not treated as if that is equivalent to consent, which I especially appreciated as this is something of a problem when it comes to discussing the rape of men in particular. Even when Youji is participating in sexual interaction, the way the biological aspect has been laid out, with the pheromones and everything, makes consent not really possible. While Youji comes to feel a bond with Tetsuo, it is due to their biology moreso than a romantic connection, and this seems like something borne from the need to mate rather than driven by who they are as *people.*

I do think it's interesting that this game is so focused on biological functions. The drive to breed, which in some species does indeed come at the expense of the parents' lives, is only one thread of this theme. The need to nourish oneself is definitely very present. And then digestion and expelling waste comes into play in a highly unusual way, lol. I found the mention of the myrmecoleon to be thematically resonant and perplexing at the same time. From Kamiya's comments, each half is biologically at odds with the other. I wondered how this was meant to be taken in conjunction with the story. Like, Youji doesn't eat, but he produces this new flesh and passes it - the flesh seeds are not a product of what he takes in. And it doesn't seem like not eating is enough to kill Youji based on what we see. But Kamiya's statement that maybe one end could survive if it would reject the other is kind of weird. You can read it as saying one part can survive - either the reasonable part of the being (the human) or the instinctual aspect (the parasite). There is no fusion of the two possible, no coexistence. It makes enough sense in regards to Youji, but it's a little confusing if you try to apply it to the Osu-Mesu pairing (two halves of a whole). I kind of felt that it was saying only one of the two could have their wishes fulfilled/their needs respected. Since Youji is getting raped all the time, I thought that's what Kamiya was getting at, at first. And if you take it to the breeding stuff, it is also confusing, Kamiya! What we see of their copulation, producing a purebreed is very much a matter of fusion, so it reads at odds with the myrmecoleon bit. If you see the lion and the ant as humans and Sodomites in their separate species, that's also kinda weird. I think its meant to represent that the hosts are these third kinds of beings - both ant and lion - and that their existence is at odds with both parts of their biology. It really leaves me wondering how the hosts and purebreeds thing is supposed to accomplish anything for the Sodomites. It's not clear what they're gaining from this, though it also isn't clear that any alternative is available to them. The drive to exist is strong enough that they must attempt to continue the species, no matter what indignities it requires, I guess?

Overall, I left the game feeling very unsettled (the music is SO effective, omfg) and on edge. Hopefully having written out my thoughts will help me to move on from sweet pool!! Can't really say I'm glad I played it - I was curious about how it related to omegaverse and it was indeed fascinating to see the root of those tropes being developed - but it didn't do anything for me in that doki-doki kind of way and left me more agitated than moved by its emotional stuff. I do think it was very well written, and well conceived, and well produced. I'd love to talk about it with other people, though I doubt I'd ever play it again or be likely to recommend it.

Thanks for reading this crazy long post :3

[my-castles-crumbling]

so like after a period of some not so healthy communication my bsf and I are no longer friends I guess and honestly? all my other friends think its for the best and ig yeah but I guess its kind of hard to fix that void. its not something we can just TALK about, we've tried and always ended up in the same place and we cant really be friends again. not in "this timeline" which ironically is a concept she firmly believes in (of things not happening again in "this timeline") and she has tumblr (she's the one who introduced me to tumblr and your blog though I'm often inactive) and I KNOW she'll see this and I guess that's okay. I'm glad for our times together but its just not possible for us to be friends anymore. we've hurt each other too much, mutually, and we're just very different people compared to those 9 year old peas in a pod that we once were. I don't believe that ill find someone else who's anything like her and I guess I'm glad. she'd be special in my memories like that. being friends again is not an option. my other friends will definitely kill me because every time our friendship has reached a breaking point we've always temporarily resolved it until a new issue arises and the cycle repeats. and they just think its really unhealthy and I get it. I. get. it. but finding no one like her is also a challenge because I've gotten so accustomed to needing someone who gives me comfort like she does. im not that accustomed to other peoples comfort but I guess I'll learn. its only 3 and a half more years until I get out of this hellhole and make genuine friends for life anyway.

it sounds so incredibly petty if I tell you I removed her from all my socials but I did. so that I don't get the urge to reach out, not like she'd talk to me anyway. its. unhealthy. my brain knows that but my heart doesn't. my heart longs to be embraced by her. my heart wants to cry about this problem to her even though its literally about her. my heart just cant accept that it wont be us anymore.

my brain wants to move the fuck on. im becoming a different person and I don't have the same life I once did. I don't need her because she isn't a part of my new persona.

so my brain and my heart are at constant war with eachother. I guess she was my first real female friendship. the first one that went downhill. the other friendships I lost were over petty things and I'm on talking terms with them all. this one is different. it goes deeper than anything else. it makes me want to laugh and sob and tear out my hair in frustration all at once. its the first proper gruesome betrayal because we betrayed younger us. younger us who would've been neighbours and live to see eachother with grey hair. I have an ex who I was IN LOVE with and when we broke up I never cried as much as I'm crying for this friend. of course the circumstances were a bit different but I haven't cried so hard for ANYONE leaving. and now I guess I'm scared they'll all leave.

ill get over it just like I get over everything else but its just so much harder.

...................et tu, brute?

Hi!

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

I think the really sad truth is that some people just...bring out the worst in each other. Like they have an unhealthy relationship, no matter what type and what they do. And it doesn't make them bad people, it just doesn't work.

Friendship breakups are AWFUL too because I feel like people are less likely to take them seriously. But you have to go through a mourning period, just like a relationship breakup. It's hard, and it takes time, and it's okay to have all sorts of feelings about it. But it sounds like you know that this is what's best for both of you, at least for now.

Remember thought that just because friendship didn't work with one person, it doesn't mean it's the same for everyone. Everyone is different, and not everyone will leave <3

Naming you timeline anon

[peijizerojournal]

2024/5/24 ❅ “honeymoon” and “the lin kuei archives” update

Let me preface this update by emphasizing that this is just an example and explanation of why I have chosen to not allow the internet to see my Mortal Kombat 1 works anymore. I have no intent to instigate any drama or anything of that nature. I'm just getting some things off my chest here, and then I will likely never write a post about this again.

Thanks to another “Lin Kuei Archives” reader, I’ve been informed of another 'questionable' post that mimicks my original work. I will not be linking it or mentioning the name of the tumblr account, but for those who regularly browse the ‘Bi-Han’ or the 'bi han x reader' tags, you will have likely seen it already as it was posted in the last couple of days.

In short, the post reads as an almost complete, ordered summarization of “The Lin Kuei Archives: Sub-Zero” (part 1 of TLKA series) which I completed in November 2023. From beginning to end. Even the epilogue. Even the little things. The only real differences being Reader herself and a few other things. But, essentially — in so many words — it is the bullet point version of my story down to even the most minute details. It is not the first time I come across something like this, and I'm usually one to brush it off, however this time it's gotten under my skin a bit more than expected.

For the readers that have been wondering about the issues I've been facing in the last several months, or if there even has been an issue in the first place: well, in short, it’s cases like this that have been particularly tiresome.

Oneshots, headcanons and stylized ficlets that have been structurally twisted with a few changes here and there are often hard to find and are sometimes buried in the tags. These are almost impossible to deal with since they are inherently different in terms of formatting, but if you are familiar with my story and read part one especially, you’ll be able to recognize it right away, as the reader who notified me of it was able to. From things such as Bi-Han’s reluctant hospitality towards our dear reader (who also happens to be staying with the Lin Kuei at the request of Liu Kang, hmm) to specifics like 'brunch in the gardens.'

(These are the only references to the post that I'll make. I really don't want to give the poster any more of my attention.)

Unfortunately, it is always Part 1 that is making its rounds, as during its tenure, it reached quite a broad audience of viewership. I also left it unlocked and open for all eyes to see for quite sometime; having only restricted it on AO3 sometime in March 2024 before hiding it just last month on the 16th (when I posted the original series update.)

I know that there is a reasonable amount of risk that must be considered with sharing your work on the web so openly like this, but let this be an example for anyone out there who wants to post their work to AO3 and Tumblr, especially: Not all who are subscribed to your fic have the best intentions. And -- on the other end of the spectrum -- your work may and likely will influence others’ creations, and you’ll have to come to terms with that or at least accept it/be okay with it. Once even a few eyeballs have glazed over it, that’s that, really. Your work will be out there for the taking, and, to some extent, you’ll lose creative control over it.

I have come across other authors and fics that have taken inspiration from my own and some have given credit while others have put enough of their own spin on it to the point where the similarities are irrelevant. I am not naive: I know perfectly well that it’s possible for two individuals to have shared ideas and similar plotlines, even eerily so. Coincidences happen. That's life.

But stuff like this, in my eyes, is too adjacent to go unnoticed. When it’s condensed like this with a smattering of very specific details interwoven within, it makes it hard for me to defend myself, as I would basically have to screenshot or repost or publicize my entire fic again. And — knowing that there are a few people out there who have routinely tried to circulate my work on other websites — I am simply too terrified to do that, as I know “Honeymoon” and the other parts might instantly be downloaded the moment I choose to make them public again.

(Further info on this: when you privatize your work in an AO3 collection, as I have, the moment I list it as ‘revealed,’ all who are subscribed to me or my fic will receive email notifications that there’s an update, even if there is no new chapter. I hope that makes sense. For anyone who wants/needs to privatize their work on AO3 for whatever reason, this blog post does a great job explaining the process.)

Maybe I’m too old-school or sensitive or paranoid for modern fandom culture… but to that one anon that told me “this happens, too bad:” well, it’s this sort of thing that makes me want to protect “Honeymoon” and prevent the entire series from seeing the light of day ever again. As of right now, it will likely stay hidden on AO3 indefinitely. I have never cross-posted and do not cross-post anywhere, so if anyone ever sees the entire fanfic anywhere at all, please reach out to me and let me know.

If you are a trusted reader/friend/mutual of mine, chances are you already have access to the story and that’s all that matters to me. 🩵 And if you were a regular reader-commenter, I appreciate you so much and thank you deeply for your engagement, insight and support over the last several months. 🤍 Thanks for reading and I hope all have been having a lovely spring season so far. xo

[smallgronk]

This Community: A Love Letter <3

When I originally joined Tumblr, it was because reddit was being fucking dumb and I didn't want to support it. I had been a user for almost a decade and it really was frustrating to leave a platform I enjoyed so much. It turns out to have been one of the best things to ever happen to me. I went from a lurker to being active in a wonderful community here on Tumblr. I originally joined because I wanted to see the same memes I got from reddit, and I loved the horny vibe mixed in. It was right when I was beginning to explore myself for the first time in my life, rather than just floating along. When I got here, it took me a bit to find my feet, and holy shit was the effort worth it. I struggled with feeling like I was invading, but so many people took my hand and let me know I was welcome all the same. Whether I knew what I was or not, and because of that I was able to truly immerse myself fully in a vibrant queer community for the first time. I had plenty of interactions with many in the queer community before, but not from the inside like it happened here. I finally was able to figure out something that made me feel comfortable with myself. I realize in hindsight, I had never truly felt at peace. I suspected I might be trans before I came here, but I learned some of what being trans means to me in this place. I was content to leave the story at that! To have been grateful for the small kindnesses afforded to me by those around me. To start to try and help others see the same things I had my eyes opened to, and just move forward. And then this week happened, and it feels like my life is going to have a before and after. In a mere five days I have had so many things occur it takes me paragraphs to even glimpse the surface. Death, fear, bravery, exploration, romance, joy, and hope. I have experienced these things more deeply in a matter of days than I have in the last decades of my life as a guy. I have spent mere weeks as a girl on tumblr, a week in my house as a girl, have yet to try and be a girl in public, and I don't even think I consider myself a woman yet, but my life as a girl has felt like its almost just as long as the life I spent as a man. Its incredible. In the middle of this incredible, horrible, beautiful, and terrifyingly stressful week I didn't know how I was going to make it through each minute let alone get through each day. And then this silly little horny community reached out to me. Everywhere I turned I had people not just offer support when I complained, I had people reach out just to let me know they were there if I needed them. I'm so used to just shoving things down and dealing with it alone that I didn't even know how to accept this much help. Every time I had gotten everything shoved down again I had someone else reassure me that I was allowed to lean on them if I needed. It was incredible. It felt almost coordinated with how many people helped me. And I just don't think it's possible for me to express my love for everyone in this community who has helped me both this week, and in the time leading up to it. Those who have given me tips. Those who have helped me find myself. Those who have made me feel beautiful. Those who have let me lean on them when I needed to cry. Those who just let me know they would worry for me. @xenasaur @justaflatbitch @userwordandpassname @rosieeyes @crocadilly @latenitegirlluv @evergreen-femme @v10l3nt-gl1tch3s @tymera @godincarsnate-blog Thank you. I have already said words to some of you, but there is no chance it accurately gets across how much so many people here have meant for me in the little time I've spent. I have surely missed people here, so please don't think you don't matter if you haven't made the list. It's not just these few people. It's the entire community that gathers together and makes this kind of thing happen. Everyone has played a role in making such a lovely space what it is. Big hugs, much love- Jay