#as it is I'm going to do my bare minimum and go home. tomorrow I'll try to do better.

[asinglesock]

had a stress dream that I'd been enrolled in a fifth class this semester and not known about it and that I was failing because of never attending class or turning in assignments

[coff33andb00ks]

Rule Breaker - Pt 1

max verstappen x single mom!reader

{next}

face claim: none, random pinterest find warnings: cursing, max is broody, jos is an asshole, fluff, barely proofread, idk red bull team aside from Max, Checo, and Horner... (y/n's bestie is named after my irl bestie bc she told me to write this, and y/n's son is not named after Magnussen i swear) Summary: Max has it all...right? Besides, he's too busy collecting trophies and completing side quests for anything else. Until... You moved across a whole ass ocean to start over, uprooting you and your son's lives to become social media admin for cars that drive in circles. word count: 4293 auth.note: hiii new to writing for f1 so I'm posting this in the middle of the night and hiding in bed - feedback greatly appreciated. also this is forbidden love/he falls first/friends to enemies to lovers

"Hey Max, come meet the new social media admin."

On his way out, he barely heard the words. But they registered and he immediately turned, knowing how important it was to have a good rapport with the social media personnel. He only had to meet them, then he could leave and go to the team apartment and… He didn't know. Pass time in his sim until he couldn't hold his eyes open. Maybe he'd go for a run until he was close to exhaustion. Or see if Lando was in the country and they could go out together. It was only when he was about to pass out that he was able to sleep and not be plagued with dreams.

His eyes swept the small office, swiveling to focus on the new face. She smiled, giving him a little wave as she set down her slice of pizza.

"Max, this is y/n. Y/n, this is Max."

"Hello," he said, watching as she wiped her mouth with a napkin.

"Hi, sorry." She took a sip of her drink and wiped her mouth again. "Sorry – It's so great to meet you."

She was American. Walking over, he extended his hand. "Where are you from?"

Shaking his hand, she smiled up at him. "Well most recently I was with—"

"No, no, where in America," he corrected.

"Oh! North Carolina. I try to keep the country accent to a minimum but sometimes I slip up." She motioned to the pizza box on the desk. "You want a slice?"

No, he had to leave. His work was done, he didn't need to hang around and kill his precious down time. Besides, his diet was strict for the next few days, what with the race coming up. He had to focus on… Within fifteen seconds he was sitting across from her, holding a slice in one hand. One slice wouldn't hurt, he decided as he took a bite. "How long have you been in England?"

"About three weeks?" She glanced at her watch and nodded. "Three weeks tomorrow. I was staying at an Airbnb until a week ago when I moved into my apartment."

He nodded. "Are you going to be based here or go to the races?"

"Races. Gonna be living the glamorous life of travel and hotels and surviving on caffeine and sugar," she said with a roll of her eyes.

"It's not so bad."

"I'm sure I'll get used to it. You've been doing it for, what, half your life now?"

Shrugging, he took a sip of his water. "More than that, really. Are you saying you don't travel?"

"Not like this. I lucked out with my last job because I was able to do it mostly from home. I think I went up to New York or out to Cali maybe six times total? But I know I can do it," she added when his eyebrows lifted. "It'll just take a little getting used to, especially with a little one in tow a lot of the time."

That surprised him. His eyes immediately moved to her hands, which were completely bare of rings. "A little one?"

Y/n nodded, her eyes lighting. "He's three."

"What's his name?" Max asked. It was none of his business about the boy's father, anyway, so he wasn't going to ask about him. And he didn't even care.

"Kevin." Her smile was both shy and sparkling.

His chest tightened. Kevin, he knew, was one of the most loved children in the world. "What's he like?" The words came out and only after saying them he realized he wanted to know.

"He's… He's Kevin." She laughed. "He asks a million questions and will talk to anyone about anything. He's high energy but has laser focus when it's something that interests him – Like the other day I took him to the park. I expected him to be running around and trying out all the swings and stuff, but he spent an hour crawling in the grass following a caterpillar."

"Laser focus can be good at times," Max told her, earning a warm smile.

"I know. He comes by it honest because I do the same thing when I'm working."

"Will you be bringing him to the races?" Finished with his pizza, he shook his head when she nudged the box towards him and sat back to finish his water.

"Yeah. Not all of them, but to the next few. I already talked to Mr. Horner and Wanda about it," she said quickly, as though expecting him to be upset about her bringing her child to work. "He won't be in the way. My best friend – Ellie, she's his godmother – is traveling with me to Imola and Monaco to watch him for me. But her new job starts the first of June so I have to make arrangements before then."

"Does he like racing?"

"He's three," she deadpanned. "He loves anything with cars or trucks."

"You'll have to bring him to the track—"

"He also loves fart jokes and bugs."

Max blinked at her, snorting on a laugh when she grinned at him. "Fair enough."

"I do have to warn you, though," she said carefully, standing to gather the napkins and throw them into the trash. Closing the pizza box, she used a clean napkin to wipe off the desk. "He likes McLaren."

"It's the orange livery isn't it?" Max sighed. When she nodded, he shrugged. "I'll do my best to not hate him."

She giggled, letting out a snort.

And, for the first time in six months, Max felt lighter.

*-*

"There's my lil doodle bug," Viv cooed as Kevin leapt off the couch and ran towards her. Dropping her purse and work bag, she scooped him into a hug. "Hi sweetheart. How was your day, hm?"

Her son grinned, squeezing her tight. "I fell in poop!"

Viv froze for two seconds and leaned back a little. "What kind of poop?"

"Dog. Yes, it was fresh. Yes, he had a bath. Yes, I washed his clothes," Ellie announced as she came out of the kitchen, wiping her hands on a dish towel. "Your dinner's almost done – How was work?"

Viv kissed her son's cheek and set him down so she could pick up her bags. "I spent the day reading protocols and policies and signing contracts. Oh, and getting my uniform."

Ellie took the knapsack stuffed with team shirts and jackets. "Good thing you love blue huh?"

"No kidding." She glanced over to Kevin, who had climbed back onto the couch and resumed lining his hot wheels along the back. "How was he today?"

"He was fine. You worry too much, mama," Ellie said gently, following y/n to her bedroom. Setting the knapsack down, she took the work bag and reached inside to switch off y/n's work phone. "Ah, ah, you're off now. You don't officially start work until Monday, so they can't expect you to be on call."

"Yes ma'am." Y/n held her hands up in surrender. "I'm gonna change and get him tucked in then I'll eat, promise."

"Perfect. Bridgerton tonight?" Ellie asked on her way out the door.

"You know it!" y/n called after her.

Once she'd changed into sweats and an old t-shirt she went to the living room. "C'mon, doodle bug," she said softly, smiling when Kevin slid off the couch without hesitation. She helped him pack his cars into their cubby, telling him about her boring day at work while she led him to the bathroom so he could brush his teeth. Then to her bedroom, wishing she had been able to afford a larger apartment so he could have his own space. But he didn't seem to mind, and more often than not he ended up crawling into her bed during the night. Something she treasured, because she knew that all too soon he would be "too big" to share a bed with his mama.

Three storybooks and a rambling made up tale about a one-eyed dragon and the princess that saved him from the evil knight later, she pressed a kiss to his cheek and turned off the light. "Good night, sweetheart. Sweet dreams," she whispered before she left the room.

"So I met Max Verstappen today," she told Ellie a few minutes later while fixing her drink.

"Ooo Mr Tu Tu Du Du himself?"

Y/n snorted. "Yeah, that one." The chicken alfredo with a side of broccoli looked so much more appetizing than the greasy pizza she'd had for a late lunch, and she almost felt like she'd cheated on her best friend for ordering takeout.

"What's he like?" Ellie asked, scooping a little more sauce over the noodles.

"He's nice."

"Just nice?"

"I mean, he asked me surface level questions and laughed at my lame jokes? Yeah, nice." Y/n pulled her plate away before Ellie could push more food onto it and sat down to eat. "Everyone's been so nice, Ellie…"

Her friend squeezed her shoulder. "I'm so glad. I have good news, too."

Y/n lifted her eyebrows, unable to speak because her mouth was full.

Ellie sat down, smiling brightly. "I spoke to HR today and Kev will be able to use the daycare."

Gulping down her mouthful of food, y/n gasped. "Oh that's great!" she cried, feeling the weight of worry that had been plaguing her for three weeks lift. "They're sure?"

"Yep, you just have to come in with me before the first and sign a document giving me permission to take him from the premises."

"Excellent, we can go in the morning? I have to go in after lunch to get my kit. Camera, laptop, all that. And Wanda told me to get more shirts so I don't have to worry about laundry while on the road – Oh and I'll be getting our passes."

"Kevin is so excited about Italy. He wants to see the leaning tower of pizza."

"Bless his heart, maybe I can take him one day."

Plans made, she finished her late dinner and did the washing up then changed into her pajamas before settling on the couch to watch Bridgerton. They were rewatching the series so she didn't feel guilty about scrolling her social media, finally biting the bullet and following all of the RedBull people she knew from headquarters.

"You are the bane of my existence… and the object of all my desires."

"Ugh," Y/N and Ellie whined in unison.

"So much nicer than you've had me hard since we met," y/n muttered.

"Let's be real, practically anything is better than that," Ellie agreed.

They finished the episode and y/n headed to bed, keeping as quietly as possible even though she knew her son could sleep through anything. Digging her work phone from her bag, she powered it on to check for any missed messages, smiling slightly when she saw Max had added her on WhatsApp. Adding him back, she was about to turn the phone off again when a new message popped up.

👋🏻

Rolling her eyes, she replied with the same emoji and waited a few seconds before plugging the phone in and turning on do not disturb. She wasn't going to have a late night chat with Max Verstappen of all people. He was probably just being nice, she told herself as she brushed her teeth and did her skincare. Wanda had told her that Max added everyone but rarely messaged anyone aside from Mr. Horner or the engineers.

Besides, she wasn't there to make friends, she reminded herself as she climbed into bed. She could be friendly, but she was there to do a job.

And no flirting with him either, she thought, immediately wondering why the idea had popped into her mind. She would never – okay, she might, if unintentionally. She knew it was a protective thing, knew it was because she had the undesirable need to have everyone like her. But she couldn't do it. Not with him, especially. He'd probably laugh in her face. He was younger than her and probably had a never ending line of gorgeous women waiting to please him.

Before she switched off the lamp she glanced over at her sleeping son. A living, breathing, very real reminder of what she'd gone through just four years ago. And she knew she couldn't go through that again. She wasn't strong enough. She refused to endure that torture and heartache. Kevin needed her, so she had to be strong for him.

Not to mention there was a no hanky-panky clause in her contract?

She had barely closed her eyes when she heard his toddler bed creak. Lying there, she listened to his feet whispering against the rug, smiling in the dark when he slowly slid the covers back.

"Mama," he whispered, and she reached for him. He snuggled close, tucking his head under her chin as she pulled the covers over them.

"Love you, sweetheart," she murmured, pressing a kiss into his hair.

"Love you, Mama."

*-*

"I think it's good, yeah," Max said, eyes scanning the screens of data from the upgrades. "It'll be great for turn seven." Nodding, he listened to the engineers as they went over potential upgrades for Monaco. Once the meeting was finished he grabbed his water bottle and left the room, ignoring the almost immediate phone call from his father. He knew it was his dad without checking, and strode down the hall, intent on leaving and heading straight for the airport to go home. Where he could ignore everything and everyone until Sunday when it was time to fly to Italy.

Rounding the corner, he lurched to a stop as a small child darted in front of him, his giggles echoing down the corridor. The little boy stopped and looked up at Max, blinking slowly.

"Hi!" He waved.

"Hello." Max heard rapid footsteps and glanced up to see y/n iquickly approaching.

"Kevin Scott—"

"I've got him," Max told her with a quick wave, squatting down to the boy's level. "So you're Kevin?"

The boy nodded, light blonde curls bouncing on his head. "I'm Kevin. That's Mama."

"I'm Max. I heard a lot about you."

Kevin's eyes widened. "You know Mama?"

"About this much." Max held his thumb and index finger barely a centimeter apart. He quickly looked to y/n, who was walking up behind Kevin. "I work with her."

"Ohh… She's gonna take me to see cars. D'you like cars Mister Max?" he asked seriously. As though cars were the most important thing in the universe.

"More than I like myself some days," Max quipped, reaching to check the miniature car the boy was holding in his hand. "I drive one like this."

Kevin gasped. "Do you got it here?"

Max chuckled. "We have a lot. Do you want to see them?"

"Please," the boy said, and Max couldn't have said no under any circumstances.

"You have to ask your mum," he said gently. "And maybe say sorry for running away from her?"

Kevin immediately turned to his mother. "Mama I sorry. Can Mister Max take me to cars?"

She sighed, squatting down to fix his shorts. "We've gotta be more careful, sweetheart. And yes, Mister Max can take us to see the cars."

Kevin spun to face Max again. "She said yes!"

Grinning, Max nodded and stood.

"Thank you," y/n said softly. "I'm sor—"

"He's three, yeah?" Max reached to place his hand on the boy's head, gently guiding him closer when he started to wander off. "Don't apologize for him being a child."

She tipped her head at that, then nodded, grabbing hold of Kevin's hand as Max turned to lead them back down the hallway he'd just left. "I only came by to get my kit, and his aunt had paperwork at her new workplace to finish up, so I had to bring him."

"I'm glad you did." Max gave her a gentle smile, using his card to open the door leading to the back of headquarters. "Have you been back here?"

"Only on my tour the other day."

"Just stick with me," he said. They wouldn't be entering the engineer or design areas, only taking the corridor to the garage. Otherwise they'd have to travel all the way to the main entrance and walk around to the back, which would be tedious for her son.

"I'm under contract and signed an NDA, and it's not like I'd know where to go to sell team secrets," she told him. "And I wouldn't even know what I overheard."

"Not a car fan?" he asked, accepting the model car Kevin was shoving at him. Slipping it into his pocket, he guided them along the curving corridor.

"Eh… Kinda? I like racing. I don't understand all the mechanics to it, I just like the adrenaline of watching twenty guys drive really fast. And I can admire good craftsmanship, like a Bugatti or a McLaren, ya know?"

"What do you drive?" Max asked, using his card to open the door to the garage. Met with the faint aroma of rubber and asphalt, he inhaled deeply, catching with it a lighter, more pleasant scent.

"Nothing at the moment. I've been taking an Uber to and from the apartment," she explained. "I'll probably get a used car after my first paycheck."

Max furrowed his brows, stopping on the catwalk. "You haven't gotten paid yet?"

"No? Well, only my signing bonus, and that's gone to household necessities like rent and food. It's fine, Max, I don't need a car right now."

What are you going to do, give her one of yours? he thought, reaching to Kevin and lifting the boy to his hip so he could carry him down the stairs to the main level. Kevin was already oohing and aahing over the neat rows of cars. "It's just me, Brandon," he called, seeing the member of the security team at the other end of the garage. "A quick tour for a new friend, yeah?"

Brandon waved and disappeared around the corner.

At the bottom of the stairs, Max set Kevin down, ushering him to the nearest car. The boy's excitement was contagious, and Max gleefully told him about each one that he'd driven, helping the boy climb into each and press buttons on the steering wheel. Laughing when Kevin made racecar noises, he pulled out his phone to pull up some videos for sound effects. Swiping away the notifications from his dad, he turned up the volume so the engine sounds echoed in the garage, enjoying Kevin's childish glee.

"This one you know," he said, guiding him to the most recent addition. Lifting him into the seat, he squatted down. "This is a car I drove last year, which—" He pulled the model car from his pocket and set it on top of the steering column. "—is just like the one you have."

"Wow." Kevin looked at him with pure awe. "Did you win?"

"I did. And I won the championship too."

"You're a champ-een, Mister Max?" the boy gasped.

"I am."

"Like Lightning McQueen?"

"You could say that," he chuckled, affectionately ruffling the boy's curls. Glancing over at y/n, he paused when he saw she was holding up her phone.

She peered at him over the top. "Is it okay to take pictures?"

"Of course." He had a feeling she'd already taken dozens. He stepped out of the way so she could get photos of Kevin in the car, then lifted him out once she tucked her phone away. "Have you seen the trophies?"

"No. Can we see 'em, Mister Max? Please?"

"You have to ask your mum." Turning, he sent y/n a pleading look as Kevin asked permission.

"As long as Mister Max doesn't mind," she said, rolling her eyes when Kevin squealed yay.

"It's a long walk, do you want me to carry you?"

Kevin squirmed, wriggling so he was piggybacking. "Thank you Mister Max."

His chest tightened, and he reached to adjust the boy's legs around his middle. "You're welcome, Kevin. We do have to make a stop on the way to the trophy case, though."

Next to him, y/n cleared her throat. "I can take him if you've got something to do."

"No, it's fine, a quick stop," Max assured her, motioning for her to go up the stairs first.

"A pit stop?" Kevin asked, giggling as Max jogged up the steps.

"Exactly that. No more than ten seconds," he promised.

Fifteen minutes later, he was squatting down to fix the collar of Kevin's new shirt. "There you go, mate. What do you think?"

Kevin grinned and gave him a thumb's up.

Max looked up at y/n, who rolled her eyes. "He has to be Team Red Bull," he explained with a shrug, adjusting Kevin's new cap with a grin. Thanking the merch manager, he handed over the bag of goodies he'd grabbed and motioned for Kevin to climb onto his back.

"Thank you!" Kevin called, waving enthusiastically as he was carried out.

"Thank you, Max," y/n murmured while they walked towards reception. "But please don't get him anything else."

"I won't," he said softly. "If I overstepped—"

"No, no, it's fine. He'll wear the shirts until they're too small and he'll play with the models until they fall apart. I just don't want him to think he'll get this type of treatment all the time."

"I understand." He nodded. She didn't want her son to be spoiled. Which he found admirable. "…So giving him one of my old cars is out of the question?"

She halted, jaw dropping. "Max!"

"A joke!" he promised, flashing her a grin as he jogged ahead.

"Not funny," she scoffed behind him, and he heard her huff as she ran to catch up. "Those things cost probably a million—"

Max swung around, easily catching Kevin and swinging him back onto his back. "The car for Miami was about sixteen million."

Her eyes widened. "Sixteen—" She pressed her hands together right in front of her mouth. "Million? As in sixteen then six zeroes behind it?"

Nodding, he started walking backwards, amused at her reaction. She was staring at him in shock, and her son was giggling. "It's hard to pinpoint an exact cost, because we reuse some components from race to race. A chassis, or wings, yeah? If you really wanted to know I can pull up the data and get the price for each part—"

"No," she said, shaking her head slowly. "Please don't. I'd probably faint."

"It's an expensive sport, y/n," he reminded her.

"Yeah no shit," she muttered, exhaling harshly. "I've got so much to learn."

"You'll be fine." He'd meant it to come out in an offhand manner. A generic it's okay so feelings wouldn't be hurt. But it came out gently, laced with reassurance and promise. And, before he could stop himself, his mouth opened again. "If you have any questions you can ask me."

"I can Google," she told him.

"I can change my Wikipedia to say I'm eighty-six. Doesn't make it true," he quipped.

To his relief, she laughed. "Fair point. I'll be sure and ask you."

He turned his attention back to Kevin, swinging him from his back to his hip. Reception was empty, and he set the boy down so he could explore the various displays. "He can't hurt anything," he reassured her, knowing she was watching carefully as Kevin ran over to a wing displayed on the wall.

"I just worry," she sighed.

"Why do you sound like you're apologizing?" Folding his arms over his chest, he watched Kevin walk around the large room, drinking it all in. "You're his mother, you're supposed to worry. If you didn't you would have to apologize."

"Thank you."

"He's a good kid, y/n," he said softly.

"I think so too." He could hear the smile in her voice and turned slightly to see it on her face.

Every other time he'd been in this room the weather outside had been cloudy or rainy. He couldn't remember the sun ever shining as he'd stood there to soak in all the history. Until now. It poured through the windows, causing the trophies in the cases to sparkle and the polished floor to gleam. It shone into her eyes, and he could only stare at her as she squinted a little, a tiny dimple appearing in her left cheek.

God, she was lovely.

She glanced at him and his breathing kickstarted. Unconsciously licking his lips, he cleared his throat. "You seem to be doing well, for a single mom."

Her smile faltered and he mentally kicked himself. She looked to Kevin, who was studying the Red Bull logo on the wall, and looked at Max again. "I didn't have a choice."

"I'm sorry," he said automatically.

"Oh he's not dead." She watched her son, her smile gone. "Just dead to us."

"Then I'm sorry for bringing it up." It had ruined the day. Well, alright, not the day but the moment. They'd been having fun, he'd been having fun.

You always fuck up don't you?

His jaw clenched as the angry voice from years ago echoed in his mind.

"It's okay, Max." Her gentle voice cut through the echoes of the past and he forced his jaw to relax.

Nodding, he uncrossed his arms and called to Kevin, taking him by the hand and leading him to the towering trophy case. "Come on, y/n, time to learn some history."

She snorted on a laugh but joined them, and he could tell she was paying attention as he rattled off years and races and drivers to Kevin.

You're going to fuck this up too, the voice sneered.

[punsmaster69]

8/NOV/20XX

paps made this today.

[A neatly folded paper is attached below.]

———

THE GREAT PAPYRUS' GUIDELINES FOR TO SANS BE SAFE WHILE HE'S SORT OF IN-BETWEEN HEALTH STATES AT THE MOMENT (AND ALSO JUST IN GENERAL)

· · · . . . · · · . . . · · · . . . · · · . . . · · ·

• MUST BE WITHIN PROXIMITY A FRIEND CAPABLE OF HELPING IN CASE OF EMERGENCY!

• AT LEAST TELL ME BEFORE YOU UP AND DISAPPEAR SUDDENLY.

• GOING OUT IN BAD WEATHER IS A NO!

• EAT SOMETHING BEFORE LEAVING! THE EXCEPTION TO THIS BEING IF YOU'RE GOING OUT SOMEWHERE TO EAT.

• IF YOU START TO FEEL UNWELL TO ANY CAPACITY... STOP FORCING YOURSELF TO KEEP DOING THINGS!

• LET AT LEAST ONE OTHER FRIEND KNOW WHERE YOU ARE/WILL BE.

• DON'T REMOVE ANY BULLET POINTS FROM THIS LIKE YOU DID WITH YOUR TO-DO LIST, WHERE ITEMS KEPT SLOWLY DISAPPEARING BUT WERE NOT ACTUALLY BEING COMPLETED. I WROTE IN PEN THIS TIME! DON'T TRY IT!!

• THROWING UP/ACCIDENTAL EYE ALTERATIONS ARE AN IMMEDIATE "GO HOME".

• PLEASE COME HOME BY AT LEAST A SOMEWHAT REASONABLE TIME.

• REMEMBER TO DRINK WATER! MAYBE KEEP A BOTTLE WITH YOU.

• SLEEP PROPERLY! NO ALARMS TO KEEP YOU UP!!

REALLY. I UNDERSTAND THE FEAR, BUT BEING AWAKE FOR SO LONG DOES MORE HARM THAN IS PREVENTED.

• ALSO, DON'T WRITE IN YOUR JOURNAL SO LATE THAT YOU DON'T SLEEP ENOUGH.

• ALSO ALSO, DON'T KEEP CONVINCING YOURSELF TO WRITE WHEN YOU'RE NOT IN A STATE TO. I CAN ALWAYS TAKE OVER IF NEED BE!

• WHEN YOU NEED A BREAK... TAKE IT!!

• NO PUSHING YOURSELF TO THE BRINK OF EXHAUSTION. FOR ANY REASON!

— ★

WITH LOVE (AND CONCERN) FROM THE GREAT PAPYRUS, THE CONCLUDED GUIDELINES FOR TO SANS BE SAFE.

———

"THE LIST IS SUBJECT TO CHANGE, IF I THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE TO ADD... BUT I WANT YOU TO FOLLOW THIS."

"ok."

"EVERYONE WILL HELP HOLD YOU TO IT!"

"so you're.. en-𝘭𝘪𝘴𝘵-ing everyone to enforce this?"

"YES, BECAUSE AS MUCH AS I WOULD LIKE TO, I CAN'T WATCH OVER YOU BY MYSELF 24/7."

"fair enough."

"though, gotta ask: why'd i need safety guidelines all of a sudden?"

"LET'S SAY THAT THIS IS PART OF THE WHOLE, 'LETTING ME CARE FOR YOU' THING."

"...alright. i'll try to follow it."

"seems easy enough, at least."

——

ok. first thing i can listen to;

there's this terrible pain in my eye that's not quite goin' away, and squinting at this page really isn't helping.

at all.

...so i'm calling it a night.

seeya tomorrow. probably.

yeah. not suddenly gonna dust.

even if it's the absolute bare minimum, i'm still gonna be here if i can help it.

[shirohige-pirates]

Hey Doll

CisFem Reader x Thatch

CW: toxic parents, manipulation, The Plan™, smut, mdni, I'll add as we go I'm kind of fly by the seat of my pants on this one.

tag list: @mfreedomstuff @harahettania

Chapter 4: Pops' Wrath

“Well, that was something.” Izou says, displeasure nearly dripping from his voice.

Thatch looks over at you, still seated beside Izou at the breakfast bar. “You okay?”

You breath in through your nose and let it out through your mouth softly before looking at him and nodding a little. “I’m certain my parents were in the wrong, whatever they said or did. Though I’ll admit I am nervous.”

Thatch gives you a big smile. “Ah, I wouldn’t worry, Pops won’t do anything to ya’.”

Izou sighs dramatically, and gives Thatch a pointed look. “I’m sure her nerves have nothing to do with being left alone with her match, on the first night of their meeting, the same day she received her book, to now be in a house full of men.”

Thatch stammers a bit before putting a hand over his face. He clears his throat a little and then goes about serving everyone a cup of tea. You see a sly smile on Izou’s face. Somehow the small interaction does relieve some of your anxiety, even though your situation is unchanged.

After a few minutes, and about half a cup of tea, the front door latches, and you all can hear the heavy, gravel-filled sigh of the patriarch of the house. Mr. Newgate must have made certain your parents left the entire property before coming back inside. A wise choice. You wouldn’t trust them to leave on their own either.

“Miss Kakusho,” he begins, and you get up and bow deeply.

“I would like to apologize for my parents’ behavior, sir.”

“Miss Kakusho,” he repeats, exasperation in his voice that prompts you to straighten up. There’s concern there too, and you can see that he’s certainly drained by whatever happened. You weren’t surprised, your parents had that effect on people.

“It has been a long evening.” He continues in a voice you feel he is trying to make at least a little small for your benefit. “We can discuss what’s happened tonight, or you’re welcome to our guest room and we can discuss things tomorrow after breakfast.”

You’re quiet for a moment, you don’t know what to honestly make of this situation. As far as you knew, your parents had not meant to get themselves forcibly removed from the property. It was, however, possible that such was truly part of The Plan, as you knew only the bare minimum required for you to play your part.

All you had now were assumptions based on the things your parents had drilled into you.

“It would be… impolite of me to impose on you and yours.” You say after a moment. “I could…” You trail off. You couldn’t rent a hotel room, you had no money and no cards or accounts in your name. You could return home, but you had no way to get home without relying on someone else.

You swallow thickly, and look down at the floor. “Perhaps… some sleep would be useful.” You bow a little, straightening up even though your eyes stay on the floor. “I’m in your debt.”

Edward Newgate hums in affirmation, but doesn’t say anything else in response. “Thatch, show your fiancée to the guest room, the one with the half bath attached.”

“Sure thing, Pops.” Thatch steps out from behind the breakfast bar and offers you his elbow. “If I may?” He gives you a bright smile, a little more flourish in his movements than needed, trying to either distract you or bring a little levity to the situation.

Nodding you put your hand on his forearm. “Please do.”

Thatch guides you away from the kitchen, and he’s quiet for a few moments, but once you’re out of ear shot of the others he speaks up.

“It’s going to be okay.” He offers up. You look up at him, realizing he’s bent a little to keep his forearm at a comfortable level for you. He seems to be so used to the maneuver that he doesn’t look uncomfortable. “If he was angry at you too, he wouldn’t have let you stay.”

You can feel yourself relax at the statement. “Thank you.”

“Of course. Pops is a big guy, and he’s got that gruff voice to go with it, he can be pretty scary even when he’s not trying to be.”

“You’re -,” you stop yourself, realizing that your words could be rude and Thatch chuckles.

“Ah, yeah, I’m not exactly small myself, huh? Seven two and the only person in the family taller’n Marco aside from Pops, and not by much either. Marco’s six nine, and Pops is seven five. Poor Izou’s barely six four, and has always felt short.”

It was obvious he was rambling because of nerves, but it was nice to have something filling the air between you, and you didn’t have anything to talk about. Thatch continued talking about his siblings’ heights until he reached the door to the guest room.

Opening the door for you, he stayed out in the hall. “It locks from the inside, there’s an old alarm clock by the bed, if you want to be up at a certain time. Ah, there should be some cotton pajamas in the closet there,” he says, leaning in enough to point to it. “We can get your clothes tomorrow, but I’m sorry you’ll have to wear what you got for a lil’ longer.”

“That’s okay, I’ll survive.” You assure him, stepping into the room. The guest room’s easily the size of the living room in your parent’s house. It feels like too much, but you don’t want to say anything with them already going out of their way like this. “What time is breakfast?”

“It’s all over the place. Everyone has different schedules, so don’t worry about it. I’m not going into work tomorrow, so I’ll be here. I would be honored to make you breakfast whenever you’re up for it.” The smile on his face is inviting, and the dusting on his cheeks endearing.

The warmth, and genuine desire in his voice makes your face heat up. You don’t know if you’re blushing, but you can feel a soft rush in your chest as the situation flusters you. Trying not to fidget, you instead twine your fingers together.

“I look, I’m��� I am looking forward to it, thank you.” You stammer, hiding your face in your hands. It had been years since the last time you unintentionally tripped over your own words. Your parents had taught you how to play at being a certain kind of way, and Thatch’s seemingly unbridled honesty made it difficult to act in return. “Sorry.”

“Nothing to apologize for, doll.” Thatch says and the word cools your fluster. The way he says it is very different from how your parents have ever said it, but the word itself sits on your heart painfully. Everything he knows about you is from a book that was penned by your parents plan.

Would you need to play this part for the rest of your life? Would that warmth in his voice and the kindness in his eyes fade if you dropped the act?

And what even was behind the act?

“Goodnight, then.” You say after a moment, glancing up to his eyes for just a second before looking away again.

“Yeah,” Nearly sighing the word, he seems to catch himself. Thatch straightens up a little and pulls the door closed for you. “Rest well.”

Heading down the hall, he gives the doors to your room one more glance before nearly jogging back to the kitchen. Pops and Izou were waiting for him, and Izou had made their father a fresh cup of tea. It was rare for Pops to drink anything but booze, the conversation earlier must have really pissed him off if he was drinking tea to calm down.

“She all settled in?” Pops asks, and Thatch nods.

“Yeah, I’ll be surprised if she’s still awake within an hour. I think the whole day’s worn her out.” He answers, sitting down with the others. “What in the hells did her parents say to you?”

Pops’ brows furrow and he pinches the bridge of his nose before sighing heavily.

“They offered up a plan to sell her.” He manages to growl the detestable words through grit teeth.

Izou’s eyes go wide, the teacup he was holding clinking against the saucer as he lets go of it in his surprise. Thatch is completely agog, the implication of his father’s words making him go blank. There’s no way they had heard him correctly, it was simply too ludicrous.

“Sell her… to us?” Thatch questions, head tilting in confusion. That didn’t make any sense, they were already matched, unless him or his family petitioned for a rematch, and it was approved, she was already a part of the family.

“Their suggestion was that I utilize the trade routes of the company, and any connections to interested parties, to auction her off to the highest bidder.” The tea cup in his hands shatters and he mutters a curse before Izou helps him clean up.

Thatch doesn’t even notice, his fist clenched so tight he can feel his fingernails biting into his palm. “They wanted you to…” He can’t even say the words, but his father nods.

“Seemed to think it would be a good deal for both of us.” Newgate explains, reaching over the bar and pulling a bottle of liquor out. “They were… detailed about why she’d fetch a good price.” He takes a heavy drink straight from the bottle. “Despicable.” He spits the word. “I can hardly believe they’re parents.”

Thatch growls. It’s a low, reverberating sound thundering against his ribs, as he’s trying to keep from roaring in anger. If he reacts how he wants, you’ll hear him, even so far down the hall, and he doesn’t want that. Doesn’t want to risk making you afraid of him, or of his family, not after hearing all that.

The idea that your parents would so callously bring up such a plan, however, makes his blood boil. He’s angry to think that you had to live with them all this time.

“Honestly, I’m surprised you didn’t just bury them in the garden.” Izou says. He looks relaxed, but his tone is so scathingly icy it helps Thatch calm down. Knowing he’s not alone in his rage is oddly soothing.

“We can’t let her parents-.” Thatch starts and then stops.

“We can’t stop her from going home if that’s what she wants.” Pops corrects him. “She’ll be moving in with you within the next week even if she does return to them.”

“That’s too long!” Thatch barks, slamming his fist on the counter.

“She’s an adult, Thatch, we can’t detain her.” Izou points out. “If she had requested we drive her back home earlier, instead of accepting the guest room, we wouldn’t have had a choice.”

“We don’t have to send her away though.” His father points out. “I mean to ask her tomorrow what she wants to do. She can stay here for a while before moving in with you, or move in immediately if she’d rather. We can take her home if that’s what she wants, but no matter what she decides you’re going to have to be okay with it, young man.”

Thatch growls for a second before sighing, curling on the stool until his elbows are on his knees and his face is in his hands. You were so docile he was certain you’d decide to return to your parents tomorrow. You might not even believe his father, if Pops decided to tell you everything that had happened. You had no reason to trust him over your own parents.

He wasn’t even sure he wanted Pops to tell you everything. If you did believe him, what would that mean? Did you know? Had you spoken so kindly to him all evening understanding that there was a chance, however slim, that his father would agree? Was there a fear in the back of your mind that Thatch himself would be the deciding factor?

Meeting a match for the first time was already stressful enough, to be put in a position that made it worse was cruel.

“I let my parents read the book. I saw a picture of you, but I didn’t look at anything else.”

Thatch’s brows furrow and he sighs. Either you did know that had been your parents plan, and hadn’t wanted to risk getting attached only to be sold off, or your parents hadn’t let you read the book and you’d lied. Understandably so, and he wasn’t even mad at the idea of it. Who would want to drop that kind of information at a first meeting?

He didn’t know how tomorrow was going to go, but if he didn’t calm down and get some sleep he wasn’t going to be able to cook you a delicious breakfast. So he focused on that instead. Something he could control, and hopefully something you could enjoy.

[yui-onnero]

Sorry for the inconvenience, and I hope you’re doing well. My name is Lana, a former engineering student from Gaza🍉💔. My life was turned upside down when the war started, destroying my dreams and my home. I barely made it out from under the rubble, losing many loved ones, and my father was severely injured. He has always been my biggest supporter, and now he’s fighting for his life. I’m desperately trying to secure the treatment he needs.

I never imagined I’d have to ask for help, but time is running out, and my father’s condition is critical. I cannot afford the medical care he desperately requires. Please, I urge you to act quickly. Your donation could be the difference between life and death. Even a small amount, like $20, would make a huge difference. Please don’t underestimate the impact of your contribution, as every bit of help makes a real difference in these critical times.

Life is unpredictable—what you give today may come back to you tomorrow. Please, don’t wait. Help us now.🙏❤️

OMG!! I'm so sorry! As someone who's also suffering through their father needing severe medical care, I cannot express how desperately I wish to donate! I'd give you thousands of dollars if I had the money! Unfortunately, I physically can't because I'm still getting paid minimum wage with, again, my own father to support. I pray with all of my soul that you or someone is able to get him the treatment he needs! Please, be safe and I wish you the best in all that you embark on! Do you have a GoFundMe I can tag?

Found it! It's on CHUFFED:

Please, someone, donate! I cannot stress how much almost losing the figure, maybe only figure, in your life who's supported you through it all feels like, and I cannot sympathize with Lana more!!

Please, PLEASE, donate to help her and get her father the treatment he needs! I grew up/am poor, and I know how hard medical care can be to get, especially for my beloved father. And I know I couldn't deal with the loss of my father if he did pass, so I want NO ONE else to have to go through that. Countless nights at the hospital/elsewhere where your wondering if your father is still alive or not, knowing nothing about his condition at the moment except what they told you when you were there, if you were at all.

And it hurts.

It hurts the heart, the soul, twisting a knife into your gut and pulling out hard before stabbing back into the contorted wound over and over as your anxiety hits you like it'll kill you with one more hit, one more attack. And on top of this, she's lost many family members to these attacks...

So please donate, and I'm begging whoever comes across this to donate. Because my experience was horrible, but Lana's...Her's is worse, so much worse, and she needs our help! So please. PLEASE. Donate if you can, or spread this around Tumblr as much as you can. Reblog! Like! Share! Something that can help her, that can help Lana and her father!

Lana, know that you could NEVER be a burden, bother, nor inconvenience to me, alright? If/when I get the money, I'll donate. But until and after and during that time, my page can/will ALWAYS be a safe space for you , alright? Please keep that in mind. My tag is @yui-onnero , where I go by Yui. Real name is ||||| Heatley. This Blog can always be a safe spot for you. I will offer you all of the support I can give, and know that you will be loved and supported as long as you are on my blog. If you ever need to rant, go in my inbox. I'll respond. You wanna talk? My messages are open! If you need support, my digital, wilting arms will try their best to raise you high enough so you may soar.

I wish you the best, truly the best, only the best. I'm here for you.

-Yui / @yui-onnero

[posttexasstressdisorder]

Recouping from these last two weeks, still. Kiddo's mom texted yesterday to say they were heading out of Reno towards home, and so last night was my first night back "home" at my place. Oof. I love my bed. I guess I'm just gettin' old, but it just feels like I'm gonna need another coupla days before i'm really done resting up from it this year.

I wouldn't've gone out today at all if it weren't for the fact I needed to go to the credit union and get the two checks to put in the landlord's slot. Glad to finally get it done, just didn't have it in me yesterday to do it. I ran back over there to grab my pillow and that camping pad i had atop the "No Mattress For Old Men" bed, and ran back here.

The heat ain't helpin', but I"ve been holed up in here with the AC set on 76, which is a bearable temp, much more so than 78 or 80. It's not full-blown Texas Heat, but it's enough to make you feel drained after bein' out in it.

But it has been a very long two weeks this time. It's just wearing on my carcass harder the older I get. But If she's gonna be doing this every year, I'll be the go-to cook and bottle washer while she's gone.

Worked my butt off cookin' and bakin' for kiddo, and she appreciated it. Bunny now demands a strawberry when I walk back in in the afternoons. I done spoil't her. lol.

I've got to see if there's a bed frame comin' this week or no, because I have to take new photos for that craigslist ad. I just have the text up right now, and I need to get fresh pics of how it all looks. But I don't think I'm gonna be able to do a whole lot of anything this next two days, other than get some groceries...there was literally nothing in the house until I went out today and brought some bare minimum stuff to get through until tomorrow.

It was all about as pleasant as it could be today, it's not that it was unpleasant, it's just when I'm drained like I am now, I just have got to watch where I expend what little energy I do have. No longer apologize for it...which is, I guess, an improvement. (insert wry chuckle, mouth set in half-smile of grim determination here)

[purplesurveys]

1835

Do you have any plans for tomorrow?  Just need to take the dogs to the vet, but apart from that I can do whatever I want. I'm really happy I don't have any events tomorrow – my first free Sunday in over a month :( Sucks that I cheer for the bare minimum now but such is work and such is life.

What's the longest movie you've ever seen?  Gone with the Wind is like 2 minutes shy of being 4 hours long.

What movies did you watch a lot as a kid?  I watched Toy Story constantly. To this day it's still one of my favorite kids' movies.

How many rooms are in your home?  If you mean bedrooms, we have four.

Do you ever experience imposter syndrome?  Yeah, little bit.

What was the last place you rode to in a car?  Traveled quite a bit today actually! I was driver to my sister and her friends today as they had a girls' day out – I brought them to Salcedo for their lunch, then separately I needed to drive to BGC to show up briefly for an event a client was having (the work wasn't intense; I just dropped by to make sure things were going well).

Do you have a PayPal account? If so, how often do you use it?  I have but I never use it. I've never understood how it works so I just stopped trying to learn lol. Whenever I need to deal with international monies I just course it through my dad's cc.

Are you cold right now?  No. The aircon's on but the temperature is just right – chilly enough that I'm super comfortable, but not too cold that I need a blanket or can't focus on this survey.

How old will you be at your next birthday?  I'll be 26.

Before this one, when was the last time you took a survey?  A little bit after lunch.

Can you skip rope?  Sure. I'm not nearly as good as I used to be since my body feels heavier now, but I can still definitely do sets.

Have you ever participated in a charity fundraising event?  I've taken part in fundraisers, but not events altogether.

What is your hair like at the moment?  It's in a half ponytail, but I'll give a bigger shoutout to its texture(?) – it's a lot less frizzy today since I was in air conditioned spots all day hehe :)

Do you like cucumber?  No.

What do you like and dislike about your job? (or your last job)  I like the freebies, the cool shit I get to launch, the regular opportunities to see celebrities, and the semi-regular opportunities to work with K-pop artists/campaigns. I hate the hours, the regular disrespect for boundaries, and the unpredictability of clients/brands I handle.

Have you ever had a dream job? If so, did you give up on it, and why? Or do you happen to have that dream job? My dream job in the grand scheme of things is to do WWE PR, and while I'm not quite there and the chances getting there are quite bleak, I'm still nonetheless in the same industry.

What's the last sitcom you watched?  Friends.

What car did your parents or guardian drive when you were growing up?  The first car they had was a black Mitsubishi Lancer. When they upgraded a few years after, they still went with another Lancer – but a newer model, and it was initially blue for a few years until they had it painted to white.

Do you have milk in your fridge right now? What kind?  I think we may have a carton at the moment, but idk what type.

Are you left or right handed?  Right.

If you have your ears pierced, how old were you when you got them done?  I was a few months old.

Do you have any other piercings?  No, just the one on my ears.

What was the last thing you wrote down in the notes app on your phone?  Headline options for the press release I was drafting yesterday. I silently brainstorm 24/7 and I happened to think of two catchy phrases while having lunch, so I needed to type them down before I forget about them.

Have you ever been on a winery tour?  Nope.

When was the last time you were hungover?  May was the last time I had a particularly bad hangover.

Do you still have Facebook? If so, how often do you check it? Yes, it's the most popular social media where I live. I check mine everyday just to keep updated on news and if there are new dog rescues that need to be funded so I can donate.

Are you wearing your favourite colour today?  Nope, I don't have anything in purple today.

Would you ever want to visit South Korea?  I'd love to go back but it comes with feelings guardedness(?). Koreans are notoriously racist towards Filipinos, especially the older generation who seems to see us as below humans.

Racism makes people so weird and gross and annoying.

How many times in your life have you been in love?  Once.

Do you like your name?  Yes.

[an-aura-about-you]

so MY day blew absolute chunks!

under the cut for sickness both human and animal, vomit mention, family trouble, a near accident, and general unpleasantness.

-started the day kinda lazy and late since I was sick Sunday and part of Monday. ended up starting it so late that by the time I fed the cat he wolfed it down too fast and vomited it back up. :( so that was a thing I had to clean up before leaving.

-got a message from my sibling that our mother is Losing Her Goddamn Mind. what's going on is she's started drinking again, and this is apparently the final straw for Dad, who has decided a separation is in order for him to establish proper boundaries. so he and my sibbie are moving out into an apartment. so our mother swung right into angry and controlling and straight up said my sibling was "trying to steal her husband." a quick bullet list on that:

What??

Ewwwww!

NO!

WHAT??????????????

anyway, I told my sibbie they could use my spare keys to stay at my place if they like while I'm out at the office.

-leave for work with the bare minimum of what I need for the day to be okay: my laptop, lanyard, phone, headphones, cane, and half a bottle of Gatorade. I don't bring a lunch, a reusable cup, any of my herbal teas I use to make flavored water, and my money situation is so tight that buying lunch means it's going on the credit card. but at this point I'm like, "fuck it, I'll buy lunch."

-one bit of luck: at the lunch kiosk they're selling chicken gumbo, so I get a cup of that and it's not too pricey AND it tasted good. also earlier I overheard the lady who works there talkin' nice about me behind my back after I came in and wished the crew there good morning. (I pass the lunch kiosk on the way to the elevators.)

-the site to clock in and out was malfunctioning for me most of today. I had to send an email for FOUR missing punches, the most I've ever had to deal with. at least I can back up my presence with the group chat, my badging in and out of the office, and witnesses.

-I got some texts from the social committee, which was fine that they got to do the Valentine's Day treat bags for all our neighbors, but I was sad that I was too sick on Sunday and working yesterday and today, so I couldn't help put them together or pass them out. :( (I did get mine when I got home and it was very cute!)

-lunch time rolls around, so I go out to a nice coffee shop and get some tea. there was construction on my way, so I try looking into an alternate path back to the office. once I realized that path would take longer than going through the construction again, I turn around and on my way back I NEARLY GOT HIT BY A CAR TURNING LEFT INTO THE ROAD???? AND THEY HAD THE NERVE TO HONK AT ME LIKE I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE THERE WHEN THEY WERE THE ONE TURNING?????????

-I get some extra work tonight because even though I'm not doing my day team's banks this week, I'm learning how to hand them out AND a night team coworker had some connection issues so I had to do two of her banks.

-I also found out that the coworker who does the day team banks this week will be out tomorrow, so I WILL have to do the day team banks then.

-all after my last break, I heard my bothersome coworker talk on and on about her conservative politics, cooking info that I know from my Le Cordon Bleu background doesn't work with the science, and medical misinformation that will likely get her killed. this is the same person who has a "strongly held religious belief against wearing masks" and "believes parasites cause cancer." her latest take is that sugar causes all ills. arthritis? sugar. dementia? sugar. glaucoma? sugar. like, what????? is any of this actually proven? by a reputable source?

-when I got home I found that the cat coughed up a hairball on my comforter. :(

[thessalian]

Thess vs Change of Plans

Yeah, I'm going to have to shuffle a few plans. Because I only got in ten minutes ago. That should not have taken an hour, but it took an hour. It did remind me, though. how much I hate public transport, especially on the rush hour, and particularly especially when disabled.

So I walked down to the pharmacy for my prescription, and the little grocery store next to it for my various rolls of cookery apparatus. That was no problem - no queue at the pharmacy, found everything I needed quickly... The worst that happened was that my cane slipped on some wet leaves on the way and gave my arm and leg a bit of a wrench. Which, okay, it hurt, but there you go.

Then I had to wait a full half-hour for the 363 home (because I can't walk up that hill even on a good day). And when it got there, it was packed. There was exactly one seat left on the lower deck, and everyone in the priority seats ... well, either hiding in book, pointedly looking out the window or anywhere that they could pretend not to notice the people with walking aids staggering onto the crowded bus, and one lady who glared antagonistically at me as if daring me to open my mouth and ask if I could sit down. Anyway, that one seat on the lower deck? There was an elderly gentleman who got on the bus after me, and he had crutches, so I thought I'd be nice and let him have the seat. He barely nodded acknowledgement to me, which ... well, fine, okay. But the guy in the window seat next to that one leftover seat saw that, and actually got up and moved to the top deck to let me have the seat. Of course, that seat was immediately taken up by another woman who I guess had been on the bus awhile and while I know she saw me, she joined the people in the priority seats in pretending not to pay attention to anything.

Next stop, more people got on and a guy actually took his small child and moved to the top deck, leaving his partner behind to mind the stroller, because he also noticed I needed a seat. Unfortunately, there was this one guy who'd got on the bus at that point and he had me blocked off in a corner, and the seat got taken by someone else who'd got on at that stop, who again made every effort to avoid looking at me. So I just closed my eyes, clung to the rail for dear life, and tried to ignore how badly I hurt for the next two stops, when I finally got off the bus. Then I stopped briefly at the corner shop because however expensive it is now, I deserved a can of Coke, and then I hobbled home. And now I hurt. I hurt so much I cannot even begin to describe it.

So I figure, if I put the minced pork back in the fridge, it'll probably keep until tomorrow, where at least I won't have had everything flare up worse because of public transport nightmare so I should be able to make my cabbage rolls. And maybe a hot bath will improve the aches a bit. So I'll do that, stuff some emergency calories into my face, and then go back to the overtime. This means I'll be working until at minimum 10pm, because even finishing all of yesterday's work means eighty-plus bits of dictation, at least four of them over ten minutes ... but I just can't right now. Then I'll probably throw some tuna broccoli pasta together. I'd do takeout, but my flat buzzer's still broken and I can't face going up and down the stairs just for food.

Right. Bath. And pray that at least makes the spasms stop. I can deal with pain; I can't deal with my right leg spasming while I'm trying to press a foot pedal.

[lingwei2022]

Triggerwarning: I'm going to talk about my mental health issues related to my PTSD.

My PTSD causes me to have severe depression and anxiety which leads me to have extreme difficulty doing even the most basic things. Lately I've forced myself to do the bare minimum when I first wake up like showering, brushing my teeth, and of course taking care of my cats. I always do my best to make sure that my depression doesn't effect their well-being.

But other things like cleaning, working, going out with friends and even just getting off my couch seem impossible after that because the simple acts of taking a shower and changing a litter box are so exhausting to me that I don't have to energy to do anything else.

I deliver with Doordash and many days I can only do three or four deliveries before I'm so mentally exhausted, depressed, and stressed out that I have to go home and I tell myself that I'll feel better tomorrow because I used to get better after a while, but this time it doesn't feel like it is getting better.

I've been depressed for so long that my bills are all months behind and I'm at risk of losing everything I have. I don't think I can get disability for my PTSD because it isn't military related. It's from childhood trauma, but I won't go into too much detail about that here because I don't want to trigger anyone.

So if anyone might be willing to help me get back on my feet my cashtag is $leiahensley1

Mostly though I was hoping to find people who are going through similar things or have already been through it and survived because I could certainly used a friend or some advice.

Thanks to everyone who read this post. I wish you all a happy Tuesday and Happy Holidays.

[captivemuses]

Okay my parents will be going home by noon-ish tomorrow so after that I'll be home all day left to my own devices while I'm on driving restrictions. At the absolute bare minimum I'll be off work for two weeks until my stitches/staples get removed but I'm going to be pushing for an extra week or two beyond that bc I do not want to go back too soon before my arm can handle stuff with kids and any PT people are convinced it's safe. Typing with one hand is a pain but with sm free time ahead of me I'm gonna be trying hard to get everything chilling in my inbox and drafts out and replied to and also get new things going with old and new moots so feel free to come hmu for anything while I literally have unlimited free time lol.

[yourfavoritetaurus]

75 Hard Challenge

My Accountability Partner and I decided to start the 75 Hard Challenge tomorrow, Sunday, October 27th. However, we are going for discipline over weight loss, meaning that we will keep going regardless of whether we fail a task. As well as adjusting some of the requirements to fit our needs. So not a 75 Hard Challenge, more like a 75 "Let's see what happens" Challenge.

Choose a diet (no cheat days or alcohol) At home cooking, no fast food or food delivery. I need to get back into the habit and I'm hoping it will help me spend less on eating.

Do two 45-minute workouts each day (One of the workouts must be outside) This will be difficult since we are entering Fall/Winter season. So, bare minimum, I want to do a walk around my community even on the cold days.

Drink a gallon of water each day Achievable. I have a 40oz Stanley so, that's 3.2 of those. I'll be aiming for 3 and those last 8oz will be my daily tea and/or smoothies.

Read 10 pages of nonfiction each day My AP and I have voiced our needs to read our Bible more, thus, we are aiming for a chapter a day. I'll be starting with the book of Matthew.

Take a progress picture each day Reasonable Ask. I'll be posting them here for an extra layer of accounability.

Overall, I'm excited, nervous, and experiencing many other emotions. Our 75 Hard Challenge is scheduled to end on Friday, January 10th, so we will do this throughout the major holidays. I expect to fall off, but I wish for more good days than bad.

[domesticated-whores]

hey, my mental health is being really bad and I'm venting a bit about it, sorry. trigger warning for suicide talk.

but I am doing so fucking unwell right now. I have basically a test at work tomorrow that I'm 99.99% sure that I'm going to pass, but I'm stressed about anyway because I'm an anxious person in general. not really something that I can help.

my anxiety has been in toddler-fighting-sleep mode, basically, where I could convince myself that I'm fine and be in a good mood while I was at work but I keep making silly mistakes and the second I'm alone with my thoughts I'm super not okay. not handling that well at all.

the guy I talk to was off work today and has been utter shit at texting me all day. no idea what he's been doing, I'm not mad at him over it because he could totally been busy or just doing something that isn't important but is attention holding enough to not text back during his day off. he knows that I'm an anxious person and that I'm a bit nervous about the test thing, but not really the extent of my anxiety. especially because he's assured me that I'll do fine and my answer was very "I know, it isn't logically hard, I just don't want to do it and will be happier when it's over" and shit. I really thought that since I was off earlier today and he was off all day he'd tell me to come over when I left work, but he didn't. absolutely not required, again not mad that he didn't, I was just hoping he would because he works late the next 3 days so it won't be an option until this weekend. I could have asked to come over when I first got off work, but I already have a major fucking anxiety spike and no matter what causes my anxiety it always circles back to "everyone hates me" type shit so I wasn't about to ask someone to put up with me while like that. if he were to ask, it would be proof that he actually wanted me to come over. or, at least, that's how my anxiety sees it and it's BAD right now so I can't really convince myself otherwise at this moment. Also, he's been taking actual fucking hours to answer and hasn't been online at all besides that from the looks of it today, so I have no reason to believe that he'd even see or answer if I did ask and he's presumably doing something like I said, and in my current mental state I can take an assumed no but I think a real (even totally valid, reasonable) no would completely break me and I not putting myself in that position.

but I have been curled up sobbing on and off due to anxiety since I got home, for about 2 hours now. I need some kind of fucking distraction but nothing is holding my attention like that. he's not answering or even seeing messages a fraction as quickly as I'd need him to to calm me down and I refuse to be clingy or needy or vulnerable enough to ask him to. my only solid option is trying my best to go to sleep as soon as possible and hope that I sleep through an entire 12 hours just so I don't have to stay conscious, because my thoughts are getting really bad over this. like, if I don't pass this test (which I will pass, which is set up for me to pass) then I am quitting my job, going home, and killing myself. I'm not kidding or exaggerating, that is my honest to god current intention. tomorrow I'll probably force myself through the test, pass just fine, and feel silly for being so dramatic right now. but right now I've been alone with my thoughts for too long and my stress over one thing has escalated to full blown death of my self worth and a massive fucking narc crash. I haven't even failed the damn thing yet, just the mere IDEA that I could fail something so fucking simple is killing me, and if I do fail then I really can't do a damn thing right and therefore don't deserve to fucking live. I cannot just not meet this BARE FUCKING MINIMUM standard for myself and expect to fucking go on. I cannot.

and I'm mad that I have to just deal with the fact that I am here completely alone. because I've done all I could in saying I'm not fucking well over this, but it probably literally just wasn't direct enough because I'm not going to be so fucking clingy and weak and fucking pathetic. because I have one person worth a damn that's my equal, that I actually can talk to right now, and he isn't fucking answering. and I can't ask for more because I'm not going to be so fucking clingy. because I spiral so fucking far over stupid fucking shit because my standards for myself are so fucking high that the mere POSSIBILITY of not hitting them has me genuinely not only contemplating but planning out suicide. and it's fucking stupid, and I fucking hate it, and I can't fucking do it anymore. so everyone at work better fucking hope I pass this shit tomorrow because that'll be a real fucking awkward situation when I just stop showing up or answering even my friend, lol.

[snowmuttgetsweird]

8/9/24, morning

Roommate comes home today I'm so relieeeeeved

It's boring and lonely without him. Just feels like a massive bleak void in my life when he's not here. I'm bored he's not here, I'm lonely, I'm anxious I can't see him, and I get stir-crazy and lost and don't really know how to conduct myself. I would just be standing around thinking about what I should do and then end up doing push-ups or something just to work out some nervous energy.

In the meantime I picked up a handful of groceries yesterday to make sure I can make a nice brunch for him when he arrives, including a couple 5lb bags of rice. I washed out an empty 30lb bucket of cat litter cause it already has a lid and a handle and it seems to work just fine as a rice bucket- not for food storage but as a workout device.

Gave it a shot- get very much covered in rice starch, and the workout is definitely exhausting. Theoretically, it helps strengthen all the micro muscles in your forearms to help protect you from carpal tunnel, tennis elbow, etc; really good for keyboard warriors, artists, heavy lifters- pretty much anyone that uses their hands and fingers for a lot of strenuous or continuous activity. If nothing else, it sure does a hell of a job exfoliating my hands lol. Maybe this will finally fix my fucked up cuticles. Prolly gonna start wearing a mask while using the bucket though- I dunno how much dust it kicks up but I'd hate to develop a rice allergy this way.

Pretty disappointed I couldn't pick up that Gallantmon stuff the other day, but really I should have tempered my expectations more. I'm not as hung up on it now- I'll get it eventually, I just hate waiting for it to happen.

Dunno if I mentioned already, but I started taking metamucil too. I'm not a big milk drinker, but overnight oats and protein shakes and cottage cheese have me consuming a lot more dairy than I usually do, and diets with a lot of meat and dairy tend to cause GI issues, so I figured the extra fiber would probably be a good idea while on a high protein diet. The first few days suck- not particularly painful or uncomfortable, but really gassy, which is just kinda embarrassing and annoying to deal with. It passes after the first three or four days though, and I DO notice that I seem to have more consistent BMs, feel less bloated, less gassy, and a bit lighter. My appetite means I'm trying to pack as much protein into as little actual food as possible too given how hard it is to eat as much as I'm expected to, so I'm actually overeating a lot less, which also probably helps.

That said, I haven't been particularly strict on myself about food- more for philosophical reasons than anything. The goal is just to get the protein I need, and nothing else really matters atm. There's no point in eating anything I don't enjoy, and any goal that's completely miserable to achieve is phyrric. As long as I'm getting my protein and I'm lifting to the end of my sets every time while steadily increasing the weight I lift, I WILL build muscle, and those muscles will burn more calories, which will result in weight loss. As long as I stay on top of it at least 3 times a week (ideally more, but 3 is my bare minimum atm) and don't eat a GROSS excess of calories, all I need otherwise is trust, time, discipline, and patience- all things my ADHD-addled brain struggles with, lol.

I haven't been to the gym the last three days. Skipped one day cause I got home especially late and I was wiped, skipped the next cause I was depressed, skipped last night cause a bit of time-blindness had me going out to the grocery store pretty late at night, etc, so this week has been pretty bad for gym-going, but I'm gonna get back on it. Maybe not tonight cause I close at work and my roommate is finally back home- which does mean I'll be cooking dinner for both of us when I get back- but tomorrow I'm getting back into it with a vengeance.

Wish me luck.

[mellow-worlds]

Im doing a little better now. Yesterday was real bad. I felt so bad. L and I went to meet some friends of mine and I felt bad going there, then good being there, and then really bad when leaving. I told L something and he dismissed my opinion after me telling I had a bad time when I had a discussion with 2 of the friends I met yesterday and then I felt really really bad and I went quiet. He asked me what I'd meant with the messages I sent him yesterday. I didn't want to answer because I felt bad in the same way I did yesterday because of him and I didn't want to talk about it while I was feeling that way (I think, idk). So he encouraged me and I said the bare minimum of what I'd planned on telling him. I felt bad. Then there was a woman in the subway asking for money and crying talking about how she had no one, depended on our charity and would die if we didn't help her. It felt like a punch in the face. I don't really have it that bad. Ofc I continued feeling bad. Then L told me about some of his fears about the career he'd like to have and about success and being creative and self sabotage etc. I think he cried a little. I tried to be there for him it's just that I felt so bad myself. I'll tell him this tomorrow. Later I cried a little in his lap but he didn't notice. He was really sweet though. He said my feelings matter and I should tell him when I feel bad and that he can't really give me advice because its my life, but that he can tell me how mich he likes me and that he did :) he sung me a little made up song. This made me smile. He made cute comments about our bags. Later he kind of well idk. Let's just say I continued feeling bad and he got really horny all of a sudden. I mean it was nice? He kept saying how pretty I was and touching my butt while walking home and saying other things to me, being a little aggressive as well. But I felt bad. He made me suck his dick on a playground but all I kept thinking was that he thinks I'm pretty/hot when I'm sad (and therefore I should keep being sad forever or I'm unloveable). I mean I kinda liked it and I liked the playground part? So it's not like he did anything wrong and I'd like him to do it again

But at the time I wanted to die so I saw it as abuse and not genuine attraction. I do think he played it up a lil to make me feel better tho. Now thinking about it is nice. But yeah. He later moaned in my ear a bunch which was nice. He came in my mouth which I still don't know how I feel about. But he was cute and he was sweet to me. He said he'll think about the playground for a long time. I appreciate that. Anyway. I'll talk with him about all of this tomorrow and I'll tell him everything and from now on I'll tell him whenever I feel bad about something he says. Because i love him and because he said I love you when I left for uni this morning

[doctorguilty]

-_-

Neverrrrmind I'm not going to the store today because I thought I was just planning this with my grandma for the last 3 days which day we were going, but then my grandpa wakes me up like hey are you getting up and going with us and I'm like huh?? And he's like yeah we're gonna take you to the market and then I'm also going to xyz places and then doing dinner gonna make a day outing, and I'm like n..no, no I don't want to do all that and be out for hours, I just wanna go to the store and go home I'm about to buy bulk frozen groceries..... and I haven't had a lot of energy because of migraine flare ups, and he's like "when are you seeing the doctor about that" and I'm like I don't KNOW I'm on a waiting list I keep telling you this, "well how long are you on the waiting list" if I knew then it wouldn't be a waiting list jdkkdfkksdkf I'm on medicaid that's how long it's gonna be :| this is exactly why I hate mentioning anything b/c it always starts being a whole ama session I don't wanna do, I'm like, the barometric pressure plummeted recently and before that it was really loud. Idk. I also just wants mentally prepared to Make A Day Of It its not like it's extremely far away it's like 20 mins tops? I get to leave the house once weekly to biweekly and half those times out are healthcare appointments. The other are groceries. This is all I get to do this is my life, can I just have a day of going to the store a little further out than usual to get my special stuff for the party I'll get to see my friends at for the first time since December 9th because they're far and have jobs and I'm all alone in isolation day in and day out,, and like just be worth the trip and not like, well be better do every errand possible in the area and sit down for dinner like c'mon!!! They take my sister all over the place all the time!! I planned this since last week!

W/e it's not like a Huge deal and my grandma said it's okay she can take me tomorrow, but it's just like one of the many small things that piles up on the mountain of reinforcements of my worthlessness. Just let me have one day out of weeks and weeks without where its about what makes me happy and that's like a good enough reason to go somewhere. I ask for SO little, the bare minimum to like sustain myself . My life just.