#as if it is somehow significant and freighted with meaning

[happyhauntt]

gold rush modern au hcs

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─── summary: the anya / nikolai brainrot is real and i want to start writing for their modern au so until i do, here are some fun headcanons bc i literally cannot stop thinking about them.

─── pairing: nikolai lantsov & anya kamenev (original character.)

anya lets her guard down when she's drunk and early on in their situationship it's the only time nikolai gets to take care of her.

like she calls him to come and get her from a frat party genya took her to and she's so cuddly he's honestly concerned she's been drugged and/or cloned

like 'who are you and what have you done with the girl who bullies me like her life depends on it???'

he's so soft for it when he realises she's just drunk and he tucks her up in her bed with painkillers and a trash can within reach and he sits on the couch until dawn to make sure she's okay and then slips out before she wakes up.

everyone: 'for someone who hates nikolai you sure are obsessed with him'. anya: 'no i'm not???' everyone: 'sure you aren't babe'.

they are the definition of 'fell first, fell harder' !!!

nikolai was out here pining for anya for years, and she just wakes up one day and gets slammed like a fucking freight train with the realisation. oh fuck. i'm in love with nikolai. somehow. how the fuck did that happen. WHY the fuck did that happen. my life is over.

this is right after nikolai is injured at winter fête during an assassination attempt against his father and her whole world just screeches to a halt.

genya and david are just in the corner and david's handing genya a wad of cash and they're laughing while anya has her little meltdown it's adorable.

entering into a friends-with-benefits situation when anya is engaged to vasily (it's an uno-reverse plot of their original story where nikolai is engaged to alina bc PARALLELS and also i can't let them be happy in any universe without first making them suffer) is a Bad Idea but these two are nothing if not self-destructive.

anya may be in love with him but she doesn't have the emotional capacity to Deal with that yet so she's just gonna fuck him.

being friends-with-benefits is all well and good until nikolai gets so fucking jealous of anyone who even looks at anya. she finds this hilarious (until someone's looking at nikolai and then she's throwing hands.)

anya is very insecure about her disability, especially because of her status and expectations, and nikolai makes it his duty to show her how much he adores every inch of her, every day.

anya is engaged to vasily and she and nikolai fully get caught by zoya sneaking out of the engagement party to go makeout in the bathroom. these two are gonna give her premature grey hairs honestly-

anya admits to nikolai that she misses being able to dance. nikolai helps her dance around her apartment by supporting her weight and they're giggling and suddenly they're slow dancing and it's so fuckin adorable.

it's hard to believe anya was so mean to him for literal years.

nsfw beneath the cut!

anya learning she's actually a sub is so fucking funny

like she is so submissive during sex but absolutely not at first. she has a dire need for control in her life and definitely runs their sex life/tops for the first few months.

it's really significant the first time she realises she trusts nikolai and surrenders that control to him, because what she really wants is someone to take care of her, someone to trust completely.

she's so bossy at first and then sex becomes this thing where she just melts and nikolai literally thinks he'll die the first time she allows him that control because it's like seeing anya for the first time, and he's so in love with her already even if it's just sex but in that moment he swears he fell in love with her again. knowing he had her trust like that was,,, everything.

teasing eachother like it's an olympic sport?? more likely than you think.

like she used to hate him (lol not really) and now it's her personal fucking mission to rile him up at any given opportunity. public events?? in the library?? at her own fucking engagement party?? you got it.

nikolai fucking anya in her wedding dress??? yes.

because she is a masochist and doesn't know when to stop hurting herself (or nikolai honestly) she's like 'hey it arrived from it's final fitting, can i show it to you?' and he wants to say no so badly.

she's marrying his asshole brother, there is no world where he wants to see this dress, see her in it, picture her wearing it for someone other than him.

but her eyes are so wide, so vulnerable, and he realises she needs this. needs him to be the first person to see her wearing it. needs him to understand.

so she comes out, and he's honestly,,, floored. and angry. and so, so turned on. his eyes grow dark and hungry and before they know it he's hiking the dress up to her waist and fucking her against the doorframe.

and it's so possessive and full of remember you're my good girl, not his and when you're saying your vows, you gonna think of this? think of me fucking you in this dress? you're so beautiful, my darling, he doesn't deserve you. look at me. you're gonna walk down the aisle and all i'll be able to picture is your face as you come for me.

it's so hot and the room smells like sex and nikolai takes a picture of her in the dress afterwards, draped on the bed, face flushed and eyes shining and happy. and he'll pretend it's their wedding night.

[capseycartwright]

Every year, the night before my birthday, I write myself a letter. I’ve done it every year since I was eighteen, the first of these written the summer before I turned nineteen, at the end of my first year of university. That means this is the tenth year I have done this: a whole decade of my life immortalised in these self-reflective letters. I started doing this because I had just lived the best year of my life, and I didn’t want to forget it. Eighteen was an utterly transformative year for me - I started university, and my life changed for the better in ways I feel like I am only appreciating now. It feels fitting, somehow, that my twenty-eighth year of life has been transformative too - just, in different ways.

The end of my twenties has felt like a rapidly approaching freight train - quick, and entirely out of my control. After I started university, I didn’t think too far ahead. I had worked so hard for most of my teenage years to be able to study my dream course, and to have that opportunity to reinvent myself, and when I finally had it - I drowned in it, in the very best ways. I think I made the most of every second of university. I joined societies - I was even president of one, for a while - and I was elected to the student union, and I felt like I made a difference in my university community. I went on trips, and I studied the most fascinating subjects, and I never, ever wanted it to be over. Except it ended - because as much as we want these times of our lives to last forever, chapters end, so that new ones can begin.

I’ve felt like another chapter of my life is coming to an end, this year. I don’t quite know how to articulate why I know that - I haven’t made any wild, or significant changes to my life this year that would warrant it feeling like a new chapter: and it doesn’t feel like a new chapter. No, it feels like I am living out the final pages of a chapter of my life I have loved so much, and that the end is on the horizon - not quite here, yet, but close enough that I can see it in the distance. Change is coming, the writing is on the wall - I am just not quite sure how that change is going to manifest. It’s strange, to grieve a life you are still living, but it isn’t an unfamiliar feeling. My final few months of university, I felt that grief so deeply - it was the end of one of the greatest chapters of my life, and I couldn’t imagine then how anything could ever match up to the joy I felt every day of the four years I did my undergrad. I need to remind myself now, more than ever, that while nothing ever matched up in the exact same way, the chapters of my life that have come after that have all been incredible adventures in their own right.

Seven years ago, I upended my whole life and moved to a city I had never even visited before. That’s crazy. Every time I see it written down like that, I think - who let me do that? But I have always been unstoppably determined, and so my sweet, kind, loving parents waved me off and knew that they had to let me go. Loving someone - or something - means letting it go, sometimes. That sounds quite grandiose, I know, but it's another reminder I need. Sometimes you can love things and know that it is still over - that is it time to let go, even if you still feel that love so deeply. That you can love, and know it isn’t right anymore - that it doesn’t fit quite right, like an old pair of shoes, still comfortable but your toes are squished at the front, a clear sign they’re not destined to be your favourite shoes anymore.

I love the life I have built for myself. I will carry this life with me wherever I go, for as long as I live. That sounds dramatic, I know, but it’s the truth. I moved here, all alone again, at twenty-three years of age, and I made my dreams come true. I’m really fucking proud of that. It’s cliche, but being in your twenties isn’t easy. You become so many different versions of yourself, breaking down and rebuilding over, and over, and over. It’s exhausting, to have to grow into yourself so constantly, but it's rewarding, all the same. I think if I sat down across the table from the girl who wrote the first of these birthday posts, completely unaware of what a staple of my life they would become, we’d have a lot to say to each other.

I’d tell her - he doesn’t want you back. I know you want him to, but he doesn’t. He’ll stay your friend, and he’ll love you - and tell you he loves you - but it will never be in the way you want it to be. It’s okay, really, because if he had loved you the way you had wanted him to, you would never have left - and you needed to leave. He did you both a favour. There will be other boys. Some will be kind, and some won’t be, but you’ll learn more about yourself with each person you date. Sometimes it will be small things - like, you really don’t like to play chess - and sometimes it will be bigger, more fundamental things, but they all add up to give you a clearer picture of the person you want to be with. You know what you’re looking for now. You know what you’re worth, now. You are not a consolation prize, a girl that should be loved in secret because her body is heavier, softer. You are deserving of love, and someone will. We haven’t found them yet, I’d have to admit - but if there is a trait I have never lost in my life, it’s my affinity to be a completely hopeless romantic. We’ll find them. There’s someone you’d like it to be - but that needs time, and it needs decisions that aren’t yours to make, and so it needs patience, which is not a natural skill of mine but is necessary in this moment. I hope twenty-nine year old me has more to say about it when she sits down to write this post a year from now.

Your family is going to look different to how you’d like it to. I’d tell her that too. It’s a long, sad story that I’m honestly tired of telling now. But, different isn’t bad. I’d reassure her of that. Every Easter, you’ll travel with your mum and dad, and you’ll see new cities and climb countless towers in pursuit of good views. You’ll eat good food with them, and cheers to your mum and dad still being your best friends, and you’ll file every single one of those memories away for when you need them most. You’ll be closer than ever to one of your brothers - you’ll encourage each other to be kids again, and his kid helps with that too. Your first nephew made you feel a love you’ve never felt before and sometimes watching him grow up makes you feel like your heart is walking around outside of your body. Your niece likes to let you do her hair and you twist perfect braids into the perfect blonde and remember the little girl you once were too and you’ll promise to be everything she ever needs. Your youngest nephew is your brothers double and he smiles so sweetly at you as he learns to walk, and talk. It’s different - but it's still good. Life doesn’t have to look picture perfect for it to be good. I’d tell her that too.

I’d tell her so many things. I’d tell her she gets really into hiking, because the people she does it with are so much fun. I’d tell her that she gets really into football, for a boy, at first, and then for the love of it, for the excuse it gives to spend time with one of her very best friends. I’d tell her that she really, really gets into rugby - as a balm to soothe the homesickness, at first, and then because it’s a good excuse to call her dad more often. I’d tell her she finally buys that camera, and it brings her more joy than she even thought it would - capturing the people and places I love has been a revelation in learning to appreciate them all more. I’d tell her that you don’t just find your tribe once - you find your people over, and over, in the most unexpected of places, and there will be lonely times where you realise how much the people around you truly do care, and you’ll come to accept you don’t just have one place in this world: you have so many places you belong, and to never forget what a privilege that is.

I’d tell her none of this, in reality. It would be disingenuous of me to write this and pretend as though every moment of the last decade has been a collection of beautiful life lessons that I’m grateful for having gone through - some of those lessons were less than beautiful and I wish I hadn’t lived through them, but one of the things I am trying to accept - and more than accept, embrace - this year is that some things are entirely out of my control, and the only thing I can control is how I react to them. I’m trying to take these things as lessons to learn - each of these tough seasons of my life teach me something, even if I wasn’t quite ready to learn it.

Twenty-eight has been a strange year. I’ve had a tough time with my mental health in a way I wasn’t quite ready for - there has been some of my very best ups, and some serious downs. I don’t necessarily think that is going to change tomorrow morning when I wake up a year older - but what has changed this year is my willingness to ask for help. I have long since described myself as independent to a fault, and this year, I have worked hard to be different, to rely on the people who love me - and to accept that they do really love me. Whether it’s been asking for support at work, or asking for company on my sadder evenings, or just learning how to ask for a hug - I’m able to ask now. I’m really proud of that.

Twenty-eight has been strange, but it hasn’t been all bad. I’ve been thinking back on this year as I write this, and there’s been some truly beautiful moments. I took my dad to the rugby World Cup - a first for us both - and we spent five days in the south of France, swimming and sightseeing and watching rugby. I’d never been on a trip with just my dad before, and it was the most special trip of my life. We made memories I will treasure forever - and the look of sheer childlike joy on my dads face when we walked into the stadium is something I’ll never forget. It was worth every second of the hours I spent virtually queuing to get my hands on tickets.

I’ve spent more evenings that I could count at football matches with some of my closest friends, yelling for our local team as they won - and lost, more often than not - and each of those evenings brought me closer than ever to some of the people I love the most. Living abroad is strange, and creating a family for yourself can feel like an insurmountable task, but I have more good people than I can count and they have soothed the bad days in big and small ways this year - and I’m very grateful for it. Last year, when I wrote this post, I said that I was sure my new flat would be my best move yet - and it has been. My flatmates are some of my very favourite people, and I have spent countless evenings putting the world to rights over our kitchen table, or sitting on one of their bedroom floors as they get ready to go out - and it’s been the dreamiest year in the kind of flat I couldn’t have imagined living in when I moved away six years ago.

That’s been on my mind a lot too. I moved abroad and left Ireland behind six years ago, next month, twenty-three and freshly out of university with the world at my feet, and now I’m 29 (almost, at least) and the world has changed so much. I don’t know if I’m going to live abroad forever. I don’t think you ever know for sure where you want to be when you’ve built your life away from the place you grew up. But I know one thing for sure - this has been one of the greatest chapters of my life, and I am forever grateful for that twenty-three year old girl for being brave enough to get on a plane alone and not look back. It’s not that I never looked back - I did, I do, every so often - but I stopped myself from lingering too long and have embraced this hectic, brilliant, often mundane life abroad. I’ll always be glad I spent my twenties living abroad. It’s changed me for the better, and how could I not be grateful for that? For the experiences, the people - the ways the world has grown to feel so much bigger and so much smaller at the same time, friends dotted in every corner of the world now: some gone home, some moved on, and some still here, in the same place I am, living a life together I am so glad we share.

A chapter of my life really is ending. There’s no denying that. Tomorrow, the final year of my twenties begins. I always thought I would be afraid of it, that the idea of leaving this decade behind would scare me to my core. It does, a wee bit, but not as much as I used to think it would. Getting older is a privilege I have been afforded, and more than that - my twenties have been an adventure I couldn’t have imagined up got myself even in my wildest dreams. I know my thirties will be more of the same - and I’m learning to embrace the uncertainty of what lies ahead. But before all that - I have my 29th year to live, and I have started a list, of all the completely arbitrary things I would like to do this year as a sayanora to my twenties - but I’ll tell you more about that this time next year.

Tomorrow I turn twenty-nine, and the lines around my eyes get a little deeper every time I laugh, and I don’t understand teenagers and pop culture sometimes passes me by - and I am oh-so grateful to get older, and a little wiser, a lot more uncool in the eyes of my nieces and nephews, but most of all, happier. How could I not be, when the life I used to dream of as a lonely teenager in my bedroom on tumblr is the life I actually get to live now?

This has been twenty eight - and this has been a decade of writing myself these letters. Tomorrow is twenty-nine - and we’ll see how it all goes.

[w-corp-clerk-anon]

The trip to the Outskirts

...or wathever my co-workers wants me to title this you may had noticed my abcense huh? i have quite the explaination... besides the fact that... once again... i remind you all to read the FaQ page in the official W-Corp site involving recent incidents with bloodfiends, wich is a story for another branch's worker here goes nothing: ((CW: doppelgangers, people being threated as expendables, mentions of a certain word that had another significance depending on the context, thievery, modification of company property, in-between possible others; simply adding this just in case

Afther recovering from the punch that Odysseus (fake name, due to laws involving inter-dimensional doppelgangers), me alongside the trio that likes to pester me...

-Awww... we all know you love us- -Aisha, wait your turn-

Where i was, oh yeah, me and the gang we were called alongside others for a retrieval of a displaced freight car that somehow reappeared in there. -So... they basically sending us, the low ranked employees, to go and search a freight car, TO THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!?- -Yes...- -And they refuse to tell us... WHAT'S INSIDE FOR THEM TO SEND US TO A LITERAL SUICIDE MISSION!!??- -Mhmmm....- -Dude, why aren't you bothered?- -Because im pretty sure is nothing compared to the amount of people getting jumped on for saying the word Σ, and ended becoming and actual Σ case- The sight of Larry panicking and Gary's dumbfounded expression were quite the sight, but we are not focusing on that... we are focusing on the fact the higher ups decided it would be a good idea to send us to the middle of nowhere to find said car.

-At least they had the decency to let us bring our weapons and gave us a list of what to pack inside the company trucks- -Yeah... im surprised on how those piece of junk with weels managed to work in the travel there and back- -you mean the fact you suggested, and actually did it, modifying the truck like it was that one madmax movie? when it turned out we only could had stole some stupid fish from a neirghbouring village?!- -Geez, Lars, what a buzzkill- -Well... EXCUUUSEEE MEEEE PRINCESS!-

Last time i disabled the Audio-to-Text function the computer was as good as a brick... -want me to bring popcorn?- -please do-

The travel was, as you might had guessed, it took a month to reach the destination and a month to come back, i will resume it because i don't know the word limit of this website, but feel free to ask: -Gary brought a lighter fuel can that ended up used as dynamite to clear some rocks, surprisingly it worked. -We might or may not had hit some animals during the travel, but i swear that while traveling we hit at least something from what the repairmen told us -We managed to end up in the middle of 2 towns under some-kind of war (turns out it was some tradition of sending the guy with the weirdest garments to the other village to get some giant taxidermed fish trophy that their founders fished together and couldn't decided who got to keep it, we didn't bother for futher details, all we know is that the fish always ended up mounted over a arcade machine where you have to keep a golf ball inside some socket while the machine shaked it) -Aisha played with that machine later that day... -Gary was kidnapped by a giant red panda wich turned out to be a desert looner in a dirty suit who talked about our planet being egg shaped -We found the lake those town folk mentioned... turns out we ended up near the Great Lake's shore... im not surprised, specially afther we saw a giant orange glowing fish spearing a boat from afar. -Afther leaving the Great Lake's we continued our search for the freight car, we ended encountering another team and we had no choice to share our story about what we saw so far (omitting the town's part, they were nice people) -We hadn't saw them when we had to go back in the head count -Larry got this photo of a wendingo wearing a red suit fighting some guy in priest robes, we don't know how he did it but we know that no wonder why he wanted us to get out of the Forest's border and the town near it, at least the Wendingo has some class, unlike the bloodfiend that lives some streets down the station. -Turns out the Crimson Desert of Insanity was real, no wonder why the list made us get gasmasks, i think i still feel that punch in the head...

-Well... you had quite the colourful languaje out there, at least it was us who heard it and not someone else- -Don't remind me...-

-If someone asks, turns out the desert has some plants that emit toxic gases that makes one cuckoo -While our team didn't found the freight car, our PDAs, despise all of us being in the middle of nowhere, still worked and gave us some coordinates to go and aid in the retrieval -The travel there was quite uneventful, but when we reached there, there was quite the amount of tents set out there -Turns out inside the car were crates of... something... we didn't wanted to ask what's inside -Our group was assigned to watch the rear area, i think the theory of hitting something might be true, but i don't think that was an animal -Remember the Acid Spiting Lizard? turns out the car landed on their den so yeah... we might or might not sent a few of them though a rift to let us do our job, so apologies in advance if you saw one within the past 2 months -Besides that, we had no choice to get one of those crates inside the truck and go to the rear area, despise Aisha's modifications (made during our time at that fish town) being made in the front part. -The travel back there, was, once again uneventful, likely due to us being more in the center rather than on the outside area, from what i saw in the 2 week of travelling back, one of the groups designated at the east area shot down a giant vulture, they tried to eat it, key-word "Tried", withnessing how one of them ended up kidnapped and being forced to watch it was not fun...

-And that's all i guess, right guys?- -You forgot to mention...- -We don't talk about the snake salesman- -Yeah... Let's not talk about the snake salesman-

[oneweekobsession]

Violet Creams

A CTM fic.

Val gets a telling off.  Set in 7.5 (also here, without the typos: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13850883)

Phyllis reaches over for another licorice torpedo and then, with it halfway to her mouth, she sits up suddenly. 'Which fridge?'

Val, her mind still on Lucille's problems, is slow in catching up.

Phyllis is unforgiving of her mental tardiness. 'Which fridge? Which refrigerator have you put the violet creams in?'

Fully in the picture now, Valerie opens her mouth. She closes it again. She has made a fatal error.

'Nurse Dyer, we've had words about this once this month already.'

Phyllis, Val can tell, is winding herself up to unleash chapter and verse of the Nursing Regulations, no doubt with a hefty serving of the Nonnatus House Code of Conduct mixed in for good measure piled on.

'The refrigerator in the clinical room is not to be used for the storage of confectionary. It is not - as you are well aware - an appropriate repository for the stockpiling of comestible items. It is, as you also know very well, neither a hygienic nor particularly safe environment for food, and as for the dangers of cross contamination...'

Once Phyllis gets going, Val knows from experience, she can keep going for a while. Phyllis has remarkable stamina in the issuing-of-reprimands department. Even in this heat. Valerie makes another feeble effort at interjecting, but Phyllis waves it away, and keeps on. Valerie reasons she'll be lucky to get away with being rota'd for extra shifts on deep cleaning duty at this rate.

As Phyllis keeps going, Lucille catches Val's eye, sympathetically. Valerie feels an odd fondness tug at her heart. It gives her courage, of a sort.

'But - ' she tries again.

'No buts. You will take those chocolates out of that fridge at your earliest convenience. Hiding them away like that like a secret - I'm surprised at you. Most of all, it's not like you to be so - ungenerous.' 

That stings, a little. See, that's the thing, really. It isn't that Valerie's not generous. She is - to a fault, her dad would sometimes say. But the first lesson anyone at Nonnatus House learns is that if any sweet treat is left unattended anywhere on the premises, it will, fairly promptly and not-so-mysteriously disappear without a trace. And - well - to put it bluntly, Sister Monica Joan is banned from the fridge in the clinical room.

'I'm not hiding them. They aren't a secret. I've just told you where they are.'

Phyllis harumphs. 'Well. You will take them out of that refrigerator, and then you will make sure that the whole area is spotless. I don't want any hint of contamination anywhere near it.'

Lucille gives Val another small smile, but there's laughter in her eyes. That fondness tugs at Valerie's heart again.

Because that's the thing. That's the thing. It's not like Valerie was ever planning on keeping the chocolates to herself. Because ever since they were handed to her by Mrs Hagger, Val's had this little bubble of a growing idea. Just a couple of days earlier, she and Lucille had spent a pleasant tea break in swapping stories about the food that reminded them of home ('Just wait until you try my auntie Edie's pie and mash' - 'It'll be nothing to my mother's special saltfish' - 'I dare you to say that to auntie Edie' - 'I dare you to say that to my mother!'). Val couldn't help but thinking of that when Mrs Hagger put the sweets in her hand: violet creams were Val's mother's special treat, bought for Christmas, birthdays, and other, select, special occasions.

And so, this little bubble of an idea that Val has - a silly idea, perhaps, but it's one which since it occurred to her Val has become strongly attached to - is that she'd like to share the violet creams with Lucille. It's daft, she knows, but somehow, she feels like she needs to show Lucille that little bit of herself, and her history, and her family, and her Poplar. But when she'd got back to Nonnatus, the sweets were not at their best: over-warm and sweating and claggy to the taste, and so she had put them in the fridge to spare them from Sister Monica Joan's embrace for one evening at least and - well, trying to explain all of this to Phyllis seems far too complicated, and so Val decides not to try.

'I'll sort it,' she says.

'See that you do.'

****

'So these are your secret sweet treats,' Lucille says, the next afternoon, while she's on call and Val's just returned from her rounds. Lucille picks a chocolate from the bag, and popping it in her mouth.  

'They were never a secret,' Val says.

'No,' Lucille agrees. 'The refrigerator is looking spotless, by the way.'

'But what do you think?' Val urges. She's not sure why, but Lucille's opinion on the matter somehow seems to matter quite a lot to her.

Lucille tastes again. 'Different,' she says. 'Very - you.'

The ringing of the telephone prevents Val's reply.

[haunthouse]

welcome to a meta that, in retrospect, seems glaringly obvious, but that has hit me like a freight train this morning. we’re talking about the lonely as a ghost story.

ghosts as an entity are inherently about disconnect. but kaylee, i hear you say, ghosts are dead people, wouldn’t that make them in the end’s domain? but when it comes down to it, death is a good framing device for ghosts (and yeah, it’s necessary to make ghosts), but people don’t tell ghost stories just because they’re afraid of death. ghost stories are told because ghosts are irrevocably disconnected from the living in a way that terrifies us — sometimes they’re intentionally scary, knocking shit around or yelling boo!, but a lot of the time they’re just... there. and that’s the terrifying part. something that’s there and shouldn’t be; something that can’t interact with the world around it and is completely, utterly, terrifyingly alone.

ghost stories are about isolation, about being a person without any of the framework that being a person requires, without society or connection or love. being unseen and unheard and unknown to all around you — and trying so hard to reverse all those un-words, to be seen, heard, known. that’s exactly the domain of the lonely!

and onto the meat of this meta: all nine lonely-centric statements (and the journey of one martin blackwood) through the lens of ghost stories.

(spoilers for mag170 at the end, but each episode section is clearly marked, so feel free to skip it if you haven’t gotten that far yet!)

MAG013: ALONE

the first lonely statement we get (and also the first in-person statement! which is such a good inversion of the lonely being about lack of connection! jon doesn’t do a great job of comforting naomi, but he does stay with her as she gives the statement when she asks!! that’s beside the point but it is something i really love), and right off the bat, the ghost vibes are off the charts.

truly i am feeling absolutely idiotic for not really thinking about the ghosts-lonely connection before now because this statement? peak ghost story.

naomi’s fiance dies. naomi has several near-death experiences (crashes her car, then is hit by another car and winds up in the hospital), which is also a staple in a lot of ghost stories; nearly dying is set up as a way to get the living closer to the realm of ghosts, able to interact with them more clearly. it was a dark and foggy night in a graveyard, and standing at evan’s (open, empty) grave, naomi hears his disembodied voice leading her home.

when ghost stories are told from a distance, they’re about the horror of it — disembodied howling, faces in the window that keep you up at night. but when they’re told by someone close to the now-ghost, they’re love stories. it’s my grandmother hearing her father’s breathing one last time after his death, giving her a chance to say goodbye. it’s a familiar and loving presence, comforting you. that’s what naomi’s story is — the ghost of evan showing his love for her one final time.

MAG033: BOATSWAIN’S CALL

so, ships are meant to be places of community, right? ron @gerrydelano​ has a really good post about this regarding shanties. but ghost ships are an established trope of ghost stories: the inversion of what a ship should be, lacking all life and community, silently traversing the waters on its own.

the tundra is a ghost ship. it’s quiet (”very quiet... it was like they were doing everything in their power not to think about each other”) — the people there move around one another as if none of them are there, all so taken by the lonely. their cargo containers are empty. all they’re transporting on that ship is the ghosts of those aboard.

this episode falls into the trope of ghosts want the living to join them — though there’s still a mourning atmosphere when sean kelly is taken fully by the lonely, that final bit of life on the ship extinguished. (”no one said a word, but i could have sworn a few of my shipmates were crying.”)

MAG048: LOST IN THE CROWD

this one’s one of my favorites! andrea nunis’ statement deals with different kinds of loneliness — she begins it with explaining that she prefers to travel alone, but later, that loneliness is something terrifying. she’s in a crowd of unrecognizable people, unable to fit herself into the world she’s seeing — she’s completely separate from the rest of the world. she’s a ghost. 

“it wasn’t italian being spoken ... or any other language i recognized. the more i listened, the more i realized it wasn’t a language. there were no words, it was just noise.” “their faces were a blur, each and every one of them.” and, the crowning point: “i tried to talk to them or to shout, to scream at them, but there was no reaction.”

by being taken in by the lonely, andrea’s been turned into a ghost. she cannot interact with or even recognize her environment, and that’s the real horror — it isn’t just being alone, it’s being surrounded by something that should be familiar; a crowd is something she’s been in a thousand times, as someone who travels a lot, and people are the most familiar thing in the world, like looking in a mirror! but it isn’t. everything is strange and she is outside of it all and that’s what a ghost is.

and her connection to her mother is what pulls her out. people have talked at length about how love is the antidote to the lonely so i won’t go on too long about that, but the connection between that & ghosts’ relationships to the living often being what keeps them around is sure something.

also, after getting out of the lonely andrea says “i made sure i was always in sight of at least one other person” — and there’s something to be said there about needing to be seen to be real. 

chiara @red-reys​ brought up this feuerbach quote which fits very well: “that which i alone perceive i doubt; only that which the other also perceives is certain.” being the only one to perceive something (for example, a ghost), or the only one who is utterly unperceived, is a very lonely thing — it isolates you entirely from those who do not perceive it. being perceived, or having someone else see what you see, can give you an anchor.

wow i’m sure that won’t come back later!

also, far be it from me to talk about this statement without mentioning gerry keay. because it means something that he’s the one to give andrea the tools she needs to pull herself out of the lonely. gerry is someone completely lacking in human connection, who is literally haunted by the ghost of his mother and later is seen as a ghost himself. gerry doesn’t have friends; he tells jon “i always wanted my friends to call me gerry,” but in a tone that makes it clear he didn’t have anyone who could’ve. and of course he didn’t. a life so entwined with the entities and cut so short, a life so ruled by the cruelty of others that he certainly did not want to rope anyone else into. 

though gerry’s never directly stated to be affected by the lonely, he’s certainly lowercase-L lonely at the very least, and he’s certainly got enough experience with ghosts to understand the lonely. 

gerry is the trope of the helpful spirit. he’s the ghost who’ll give you directions on a deserted road and disappear when you turn around. he gives jon the information he needs to understand the entities, he gives andrea the information she needs to not become a ghost.

MAG057: PERSONAL SPACE

alright so this one is, admittedly, more cosmic horror than anything else, but if y’all’ve seen any of my comics you probably know i’m very passionate about space ghosts & haunted spaceships. and as such, i’m extremely interested in how the daedalus mission echoes ghost stories.

carter chilcott’s story pretty directly acts as a ghost story — unable to communicate with the others on the ship even when he tries, unable to interact with the world to the point of looking out the window at one point to find the world entirely missing. this is all stuff i’ve said already about the other statements, so i’m glossing past it, because what interests me more is the daedalus as malicious architecture.

because the daedalus was created specifically for this union between vast, lonely, and dark (all of which i think have significant ghostly tie-ins). everything about how the ship itself and the mission came to be is a mystery, even to those involved — manuela says “i don’t know how he convinced the lukases and fairchilds to help finance the project,” “i don’t know if they were working on rituals of their own,” “exactly how the launch was arranged, i couldn’t tell you.” 

a piece of the traditional haunted house is a sort of timelessness, and mystery inherent in its building. hill house in shirley jackson’s haunting of hill house “seemed somehow to have formed itself, flying together into its own powerful pattern under the hands of its builders... it was a house without kindness, never meant to be lived in, not a place fit for people or for love or for hope.” the oldest house in the game control is malicious architecture at its finest, and it’s called the oldest house. it predates people. it exists as a giant piece of brutalist architecture smack dab in the middle of new york, but no one knows why or how it came to be. as a real-world example: the winchester mystery house is wrapped up in mythos about its creation. was sarah winchester just a lonely old woman with a hobby for architectural design, or did she create endlessly spiraling staircases and doorways with a steep drop into the yard to keep ghosts away? who knows! we sure do like to speculate, though.

yes, i’ve talked about this in tma metas before. highly recommend jacob geller’s control, anatomy, and the legacy of the haunted house for more of this content.

even manuela dominguez, the only person on the daedalus mission who actually knew what she was doing and wasn’t just there to be a victim of entities they did not understand, does not know how the mission came to be. 

and the entire purpose of this spacecraft is to be malicious to its inhabitants! the very architecture is meant to make the people within into perfect snacks for their respective entities! the station is cramped (”so cramped that i could only fully stretch out in the section used to exercise,” says jan kilbride), but when the vast takes hold it’s suddenly endless — “a hollow pretense of a shell that did nothing to separate me from the void.” (cue me shouting about how much trust we put in the places we live, and whether or not that trust is warranted, how easily it can be turned against us!)

a few other bits of this statement that really echo ghost stories: “twice i was woken up by the sound of the door opening, only to find it as tight as it had ever been. throughout the daytime i would occasionally hear footsteps, which shouldn’t even have been possible in zero gravity.” and then the empty, ghostly spacesuit that floats past chilcott’s window — there are so many stories about disembodied wedding dresses or mourningwear walking the halls silently, so why not a spacesuit?

i started this section saying this statement was more cosmic horror than ghost story but i’m finishing it by saying this is actually one of the clearest representations of haunted architecture in the whole podcast. (other examples off the top of my head include upon the stair & a cosy cabin, the latter of which i actually already wrote a meta about.)

MAG092: NOTHING BESIDE REMAINS

the moment i started thinking about the lonely-ghosts connection i remembered this episode, because it’s so clear. complete disconnect, existing entirely alone in a shadow of the world you once knew, unable to interact with the living in any way.

very small bit but. “as the cab pulled away, it seemed to have no driver that i could discern” vs the theme of ghost carriages in older ghost stories. i am looking directly at it.

barnabas bennett can “almost think i hear the mocking joy of my friends, but there is nobody here.” he can see evidence that life continues around him, unseen — “i know that what is done by those i cannot see might be felt here — i have found glasses broken and pages torn that were not so the night before.” just as a ghost is unseen to the living, the reverse is true: bennett can see others having an impact on the world in small ways, and his letter is found by jonah, but he can’t really affect the world in any real way.

MAG108: MONOLOGUE

this one is so exciting to me because theater ghosts are a huge trope in ghost stories! theater people are some of the most superstitious people you’ll ever meet! especially regarding ghosts having an impact on their shows — there’s the superstition regarding The Scottish Play™, the tradition of leaving a ghost light on onstage to appease the spirits. there’s that time all the kids in my production of brigadoon when i was in middle school circled around the makeup mirrors to play bloody mary and got thoroughly chewed out by the adults in the cast. theater’s full’a ghosts!

(i think it’s something about the intense amounts of history behind it — and how, in playing a part that a thousand people have played before, you’re echoing their exact words, becoming a repetition of those long gone. and on a stage, blinding lights in your face washing out any view of the audience — you could, technically, leave the stage and interact with the people down there, but it seems pretty entirely impossible when you’re up there. you’re being perceived but can’t see in return. you’re essentially a ghost putting on a show for the living on a loop.)

the statement-giver for this one, adonis biros, echoes a lot of those sentiments, actually. “your words heard by no one — and in that no one, an entire universe.” “have you ever had stage lights in your eyes? ...you can look out into the audience and see nothing at all. just you.”

i said before that “when ghost stories are told from a distance, they’re about the horror of it — disembodied howling, faces in the window that keep you up at night.” the disconnect between the anonymous audience and the singular actor onstage makes the distance here extreme — so this is the sort of ghost story that’s unquestionably a horror story, focusing on the most chilling aspects of ghosts. their inhumanity, their anonymity. the theater masks adonis sees in the audience are “empty. it was a hollow shape of a man that had no life, no presence to it.” even adonis himself says he “had no doubt that what i had seen was some sort of specter or omen.”

he sees a “masked mockery of a human figure” in a window while walking at night. ghosts looking through windows is enough of a trope that once, when i went on a ghost tour in williamsburg, at least half the stories were about people seeing ghostly faces in windows, and i completely freaked out when i saw someone moving around in one of the houses before realizing, oh, some of them are still actually occupied.

this one’s undoubtably a collaboration between stranger and lonely, but i think that intersection’s one of the best for ghost stories — something not-quite-human-anymore, if it ever was, haunting you.

MAG150: CUL-DE-SAC

a lot of the bare bones of this statement are things i’ve already covered, so i’m not gonna go too in-depth on it. herman gorgoli’s statement is about disconnect (from alberto, and then from the rest of humanity), about isolation, about houses-gone-wrong (his and alberto’s house in cheadle, which he views by the end as a place imprisoning him, and the titular cul-de-sac).

we’ve seen the malicious architecture trope in the form of the daedalus already, but this time it’s on earth. it’s something that should, by all rights, be familiar. the houses in the suburbs are all the same, but it’s at least a sameness you know. but they’re all bereft of any irregularities, ghostly echoes of what a house should be.”there were no lights on in any of the houses.” he even finds a dead body in one of the houses — but the woman who’s body he finds is not the one haunting them.

it’s herman haunting the neighborhood, until his love for alberto brings him out. herman making his way through houses he cannot interact with in any meaningful way, whos details he cannot interpret. “how many corpses lay waiting behind the placid facade of this endless false suburbia?” he wonders, and i have to imagine he’s also wondering if he’s already joined their ranks, if he’s the haunting in a haunted house.

and connection brings him back and the houses are no longer empty, no longer waiting for a ghost to take resident in their hallways.

MAG159: THE LAST   (& martin’s journey in season four, generally)

we’ve all analyzed 159 within an inch of its life but i’m here to do it again, with the context of martin’s whole journey into the lonely. because the lonely turns people into ghosts. the lonely takes away humanity and life and leaves a hollow echo in its wake.

literally the powers lonely avatars have involve turning invisible. what else is often associated with invisibility? ghosts. checkmate. i’m running out of steam a bit but i swear these are good points i’m making. trust me.

what makes ghost stories so good is that even if the narrator is not a ghost themselves, just experiencing a ghost puts them at a fundamental disconnect from society. it’s something disbelieved by so many people. (there’s parallels to be made with mental illness here, but i... don’t really feel like making them right now. they’re definitely there, as is the very potent lonely-depression connection that made ep170 hit so hard for so many of us.) in hill house, the more eleanor is wrapped up in the goings-on of the house, the less she’s able to relate to the other people there. the closer martin becomes to the lonely, the less he’s able to talk to the people around him — he’s told not to talk to them by lukas, but he’s also just... unable to relate. their experiences are different than his, at this point.

nicole @brunetteauthorette99​ said something really good in our conversation about this, about ghosts “being stuck in... spaces that have moved on without them, reenacting their defining moments in life over and over again without the possibility of change.”

martin is stuck in the institute. he probably has an apartment, but we don’t see it, and i can’t imagine he as he is by season four has put much effort into decorating it or making it feel like a home. every place is impersonal — somewhere he exists without really living.

and the institute moves on without him. jon goes into the coffin and martin doesn’t know until he’s already in there. and martin can impact his environment only in small ways — leaving tape recorders on the coffin in an attempt to anchor jon home, leaving the tape of jon’s victim for melanie, basira, and daisy to find. he will not or cannot speak to or touch other living beings, just move objects around in a desperate attempt to get a message across, a ouija board of tapes and post-it notes. his moment of rejecting the lonely’s plans in 158 is dropping the knife peter has given him — another expression more through his interactions with his environment than any human connection.

martin says the lonely always had him, and with how much his story revolves around people who may as well be ghosts, that’s true. his father disappeared and left only the image martin had of him in his mind, only the echo he himself provided in the mirror, the ghost of someone who hurt him overlaid on his own reflection. his mother was only present so far as she could be malicious, disapproving; a vengeful ghost, taking out the revenging instinct she had for martin’s father on martin. and then everyone else martin cares about dies — sasha’s gone and not!sasha acts as her malicious echo for a while; tim dies; jon dies. and yeah, he comes back — but he’s different. a ghost of sorts. martin’s already pretty ghostly by then, too.

so martin is, essentially, a ghost throughout season four, and probably beforehand, as well. jon literally! asks martin! if he is a ghost! in season one! which brings us to 159: “are you real?” martin asks the first living person he’s really talked to in who-knows-how-long. because martin doesn’t feel real, so how could anyone else be? “nothing hurts here” may be a contradiction of the literal experience of ghosts we see in tma (gerry saying “it hurts, being like this”), but is a very real perception of ghosts in ghost mythology as beings beyond pain, beyond the suffering of being alive. sometimes they exist to cause others that suffering they can no longer feel, but a lot of the time, they’re just melancholy, having forgotten what it’s like to be a person or hanging on just enough to yearn to return to that feeling of life.

“i’m the reason he... i did this to him as much as you,” jon says. in ghost terms: martin died for him. of course his connection to jon, then, would be the only thing able to bring him back.

mag159 is an orpheus/eurydice story — people have made posts about that before, i’m sure, and i have too, how jon and martin invert the orpheus archetype by being saved rather than damned by the act of sight. and it feels obvious to state it, but for clarity: eurydice dies. orpheus, alive, tries to save eurydice from the underworld, where she is a spirit, a ghost, an echo of herself.

MAG170: RECOLLECTION   —   (SPOILER WARNING!)

this episode is the reason i’m making this post, but i may as well copy-and-paste the entire transcript for this section, because there is truly not a single part of it that doesn’t resonate as a ghost story. 

the lonely house as a malicious location. the chairs are all uncomfortable, the house is large enough that just by wandering it (as a ghost might) martin grows tired enough to sit in them regardless. the decorations are wrong — all the rooms are the same and martin doesn’t like it, said he doesn’t know “why i’d decorate my house like this.”

it isn’t a small house. there’s a reason a lot of ghost stories take place in twisting mansions where you can never quite find your way back to where you started. ghost stories thrive on that isolation, that loneliness — if you see a ghost while you’re alone, are you sure you’ll be believed? doesn’t that just isolate you further? architecture can twist around those within it until they’re trapped, doomed to haunt it themselves. “it's such a - such a big house, my house, there must be other people!” martin says. 

but the only others in the house are ghosts like martin. 

“hundreds, thousands of lost souls, wandering the halls. hollow memories, with eyes full of tears. i’ve seen them. they’re all trying to remember.” 

“i found someone else, wandering around. they were all thin and gray. faded. like they’d been here for ages.”

the ghosts cannot remember their names, why they are there, whether or not it is their house they exist in. they’ve become near-inseparable from the fog around them and the architecture that holds them hostage.

and the house itself, it takes all of that, and its quirks — the size, the chairs, the decorations, all of which martin openly does not like — are all made from the people haunting it. the house is wrong because the people within it can no longer change it. martin’s comment on the decorations sticks with me because it’s such a simple example of this: presumably, he could affect the house in some way in the past, but he no longer can, and he’s stuck with the results of his past mistakes, echoing over and over from room to room. the impacts remain even when the people have faded so far as to be practically nonexistent.

and once again: love is what makes him remember, over and over. he remembers jon, and then the lonely steals that memory — but the remembering is what’s important, because the act of loving anchors martin, and it helps him remember who he is, repeating his name over and over.

ghosts lack identity. whether it’s because they’ve been forgotten by all who knew them in life, whether it’s because it’s too painful to hold onto that when they can no longer do anything with it — we assign names to ghost stories, connect them to the living, but there’s always a disconnect there.

and that’s what helps jon find him, helps martin keep himself from fading out again. and even jon says “you were faint” upon finding martin. martin was a ghost haunting that house.

but not anymore.

the lonely is a ghost story. the lonely is about people who’ve become unmoored from human connection and their own identities, who haunt places, or who’ve been lured into places that are hauntings in and of themselves and have no choice but to take up residence as ghosts within those walls.

and ghost stories, often, are love stories. love keeps us tethered to life, and love is what saves people from the lonely, over and over again.

[awed-frog]

“The inventory and volume of inventory causes me to lose hope for humanity. Our facility is almost 1 million square feet, and it's stuffed to the gills with shit people don't need. The sheer number of gadgets, gizmos, trinkets, decorations and toys contained in this warehouse is mind-boggling. The number of sex toys alone is staggering.

Each and every day, an average of 70 semi trailers packed full of useless items back into our dock where product is offloaded. Since the inventory levels remain fairly constant, a similar volume of shipments are made to customers daily as well.

Amazon has approximately 175 fulfillment centers, so simple math says the inbound/outbound volume of this crap is somewhere around 4.5 million truckloads a year... and growing! That may be off to a degree, but is directionally correct.

Each of those inbound shipments comes to us in a corrugated box. Most of the time it's a box within a box. Frequently it's in a box that's in a box that's in a box. That's a crap-ton of corrugated cardboard boxes.

And then there's the outbound boxes...

Virtually all of the products are enclosed in some sort of plastic, be it a poly sleeve, a plastic clamshell or some other sort of manufactured packaging. I can't begin to estimate how much petroleum is needed to make all this plastic packaging. This doesn't even include the fuel used to transport product from raw materials to finished goods to China port to USA port to distribution centers to fulfillment centers and finally to Betty Sue and Bob.

My guess is 80%+ of this stuff is manufactured in China or a neighboring ASEAN market. There have to be hundreds of millions of people employed at finished goods factories in China producing these goods. Add to that all the people involved with inland / ocean freight and customer deliveries.

And then there's Walmart, Target, maybe 100 other big box retailers and a slew of smaller venues who sell these items. Amazon isn't the only game in town.

My guess is that of the 7.8 billion people on this planet, that at least 25% are involved somehow in this distribution machine.

Simple math again says that 2+ billion people make their livelihoods in some form, shape or fashion serving Amazon and its competitors.

And then there's the customers...

So this is what the meaning of life has come down to. A significant portion of the world's human resources have life occupations producing, selling and delivering products that nobody really needs. At the same time, the sheer volume of consumption of resources to feed this beast blow my mind.

And the consumers can't get enough of it.

It's simply depressing. That is all!”

[kingofdirtandnothing]

@polyfacetious big ass Christmas Drabble Extravagaza: Day Thirteen

To say the house was a fixer upper was kind of, maybe an understatement. 

To say that it was a strong breeze away from being condemned was a little bit more dramatic in the other direction, but the house rested firmly between the two of them. Barely livable, an eyesore. 

Bertie loved it. 

“You know what I see when I look at this house?” He’s pretty sure that Stiles’ cough sounds remarkably like asbestos poisoning but Bertie ignores it. Stiles would come around in time, he just needed to see things from a new perspective. 

“I see opportunity. This place will basically come down to the frames. Which means that we get to choose everything when we build it back up, kiddo. We get to choose the paint, the flooring, where the walls are, the windows, closets. Everything. This can be our…”

For just a moment, he hears Ruthie’s voice when Stiles answers. “Our forever house.” Bertie hooks an arm around his son’s shoulders, pulling him in against his side with an obnoxious dad squeeze. Stiles was taller every day, and closer to being a man. 

Bertie was absolutely, positively not ready to let him grow up yet. But as much as he wanted Stiles to be Peter Pan and this house to be his neverland, that wasn’t the way of the world. And yeah, Bertie had taken longer than he’d liked to get them here, but he still had two more years to get the forever house built before Stiles left for college.

Two more years to make memories, to try and be more than the shadow of grief he’s been for too long. Stiles spent too much of his childhood looking after Bertie, making sure he ate when he couldn’t get out of bed, making sure he slept with the mania hit him like a freight train. Bertie was settled now, he was on his meds now, but there was no giving Stiles back those years of his life. 

But now he was stable, he was medicated, and almost more importantly, he was doing great financially. Once the book about his teenage years with Ruthie hit the shelves, his back catalog started selling like hot cakes. People were already clamoring for another book about the two young lovers on the creek. 

Bertie just hoped working on the house would keep the grief from drowning him again when he started writing. Because as much as he loved Ruthie, as much as he loved keeping her alive on the page, it was exhausting to go back there. 

To go back to the place where he still had hope for a happily ever after, and wasn’t a twenty one year old with a newborn son and a wife in the ground. 

“Exactly.” Bertie’s voice is soft when he answers, peeling himself off of Stiles’ side so that he can fish the keys out of his pocket and unlock the padlock that was holding the front door closed. 

Stiles had already taken care of the sign in the front yard, pulling it out of the soft dirt and tossing it over the back fence. Bertie would call the realtor sometime this week to come pick it up. But at the moment, the priority was just having it out of sight and out of mind. This was their place now. Bertie didn’t even want to look at the big red ‘SOLD’ sticker slapped across the front of it. (Those things were magnetized. Who knew?)

The padlock clicks in his hand, the heavy weight of it shifting into his palm as it opens, and Bertie pulls it away from the door. “Ready?” He steals a look over at Stiles, who puts on a smile for him. (Bertie really hoped they could get to a point where Stiles smiled at him, and not for him.)

The front door creaks open, catching on the tile just inside of the door with a deep scratching sound that makes Bertie and Stiles both wince. Okay, so fixing the hinges on the front door was on the list. It could be at the top of the list. 

Inside, the house was...well, it was rough. There were pieces of tarp hung over broken windows, and the walls had holes in places in the drywall. In the kitchen, pieces of tile were missing in random places, making it look like an awkward checkerboard. 

Each and every thing was put on a mental checklist. New flooring for the kitchen. Pull up the carpet in the living room. Replace the fixtures in the hallway. There was a lot of work to be done, that was for sure. 

“Dad, tell me we’re not sleeping here.” Stiles however, wasn’t sounding convinced. Bertie looked back at his son to see him picking at a spiderweb that was hanging from the ceiling, and the piece of drooping wallpaper that was hanging low beside it, like a flower that hadn’t seen the sun in too long. 

Well once they got the windows in here replaced and some nice shutters, there would be plenty of sunlight. (And no more wallpaper, that was going the way of the dinosaurs.)

“We’re not.” He could give the kid that much at least. “We’ve got an apartment rented in town.” That way they had a place with air conditioning and running water where they could shower and rest their heads at night. “And yes, it has wifi.” He could see the question building on the tip of Stiles’ tongue, and Bertie cuts it off at the pass.

He needed wifi too, no matter how high and mighty he wanted to act about it. He had emails from the publisher to answer, and social media that he had to put out for his followers. And honestly? Bertie liked watching those oddly satisfying videos on youtube when he couldn’t sleep at night. There was just something about watching someone cut into a cake that was shaped to look like a watermelon. It made a guy want to catch some Z’s. 

Stiles relaxes from his shoulders all the way down to his toes, and turns new eyes back on the house around them. “Look.” Bertie hooks an arm over Stiles’ shoulder and points down the hallway. “That one can be your room.” 

Bertie had plans for an office for himself on the other side of the hall, but you had to lead with the good stuff. The kid wasn’t going to be excited about natural lighting and a nice place to set up his computer. 

“And down there…” A formal dining room, tucked away behind the kitchen. This was the money maker, the room he was going to sell the place to Stiles on, he just knew it. “This is going to be our theater room. Eighty inch flatscreen TV, full surround sound set up. I’m talking about speakers hanging in the ceiling. Full theater experience. And the fancy leather recliners that are mechanical.” Bertie makes a soft whirring sound with his tongue, mimicking the way the bottoms of the recliners would rise up with the motor’s help, and he’s rewarded with a laugh. 

There’s a light in Stiles’ eyes as they stand in the entry way to the dining room that would soon be a theater masterpiece, and the heart of the house. Stiles was seeing it now. That was one thing that his boy never lacked. Stiles’ cup runneth over when it came to imagination. When he was a little boy, he could spin stories better than some of Bertie’s peers at the publishing house. And it had always been as natural to him as breathing.

“What if we did a couch in the middle? Same leather. Cupholders, usb chargers, the whole nine yards?” Stiles spreads his hands out wide in front of him, encompassing where he was seeing the couch in his mind’s eyes. “Two recliners, one on each side. That way if we have people over, we have room for them too. Or if we want to sprawl out or something. You know, get cozy.”

Bertie’s heart was big and bright and warm in his chest. Stiles was thinking of this place long term. He was thinking about having friends over. Or maybe a significant other. And that’s all that Bertie wanted out of life. For his boy to be happy. 

“I think that sounds great. Really great.” He squeezes Stiles’ shoulder again, and shifts all those mental plans around in his head. Aside from the things that they needed to fix for the house to be safe for them to be in, he was going to start with the theater room. 

“Dark wood paneling would be good too. It will make it look rich with the light on, and it’ll soak up the darkness when the lights are off. A good carpet, too. Something you can dig your bare toes into.” Part him wants to do the dumb thing and use the red carpet on the floor and the LED strips lining the way to and from the door. 

“We should do straight up movie theater carpet. The dumb kind with the stars. And the lights on the floor!” Stiles laughs, pointing along the floor to the door. Bertie loves Stiles even more in that moment, selfishly to still see himself in his son, that Stiles was still his little boy in some way. 

“Now we have to.” Bertie nods in faux solemnity, and gets another laugh for his trouble. He can’t remember the last time that they both laughed like this. It feels like it’s been years. Back when Stiles was still small and still believed that Bertie was the best thing in the world. 

But it was more than that. The power balance between them had always been a little bit wonky, what with Bertie’s illness. But this...being here together, it felt like being partners. Equals. All the more, it made this feel like a fresh start. One that they both chose for themselves.

And maybe Stiles didn’t need a fresh start as much as dear old dad did, but he was still here, along for the ride. That was the kind of man Stiles was. Always willing to do what anyone else needed of him. It was both his best, and his worst quality and Bertie would always carry two shoulders full of guilt at being the one who put that in him. No child should ever have to care for their parent. 

All Bertie could do now was try and teach Stiles that there were lines. Boundaries to be protected. To teach the kid to protect his own big, soft heart. Somebody would have to, or Stiles would spend the rest of his life setting himself on fire to keep other people warm. 

“Okay. Theater room is settled, then. How about we go get a rough sketch of your room down?” Bertie steers them away from their big project, and back down the warped and water stained hallway to the second biggest bedroom. (Sorry kiddo, dad loves you a lot but he wasn’t giving up the master bedroom to you.) Somehow, there was only one creaky floorboard along the way. Bertie decides in one impulsive moment that he’s going to keep it. It would give the house charm, when everything was shiny and new. 

“I was thinking…” He lets the words hang long, playing up the dramatics of it until Stiles elbowed him in the side. Bertie oofs with laughter. “Alright, alright. I was thinking a big cork board set into the wall here. Sixty inches, maybe.” Stiles was always pinning stuff up in his room, mental maps and spider’s webs of ideas. And he’d gotten to the point that he had two cork boards set onto the walls next to each other, red and yellow string strung taught between them. “Maybe bigger, even. We could actually do floor to ceiling.”

A space big enough for all those big thoughts in Stiles’ head. 

“What do you think?”

[spidercast02-blog]

Providers Of PPE In Sell: Smallbusiness

Where to Locate Dealers That Can Offer You the most ideal Products

Wholesalers are actually recognized for supplying the customer with good quality products at a great rate. If you want to find top quality suppliers of a specific item, our team must look for providers who supply what our experts yearn for.

The variety of Vendors improves eventually and also, as their competitors improves thus do the expenses. In other words; Providers, if allowed to begin command, end up eating into the incomes of business. When we start to make use of additional items in our daily life, our company usually help make blunders when it comes to picking the correct Vendor.

Before our team begin our hunt for the most effective Provider, our company should first seek a business that can easily satisfy our fundamental needs for resources. As an example, for a hair straightener, our company need it to become of premium as our company wish our hair to look wonderful. However just how perform we know if the Provider offers these basic materials?

It is strongly suggested that you always keep a list of Suppliers who give first class items at a small cost. You must know just how much you are paying for every item before you purchase it. As an example, if our team intend to buy a great deal of all of them, at that point we need to price all of them depending on to volume. This are going to aid our team acquire simply those products at a low-priced rate.

Companies, that make use of cheaper raw materials, will certainly not earn a profit since they are going to possess too many expenses. It is encouraged that our company stick to Vendors who give items of high quality at an affordable. Not just will this aid us conserve funds but likewise boost our revenues.

When our experts have actually selected a supplier and also acquired a listing of Providers, our company require to begin exploring online. Our team may begin through browsing on Google.com or even some other internet search engine. Merely type in the key phrases that relate to the type of items that our team desire to acquire.

Search engines will certainly provide you a great deal of outcomes to choose from. Make certain to read the fine print. Make an effort as well as look for the name of the provider along with details services or products. This way, you will certainly receive more details on the company.

Some vendors, somehow, provide more relevant information than others. You need to recognize what is the main emphasis of the business before you go ahead to acquire an item coming from all of them.

Various other factors that we must perform when our team are looking for a distributor is to try and contact them. Take a look at the e-mails of the provider before contacting all of them for further information. Try to find out if the company follows up along with the orders they obtain as well as if they have the capacity to deal with the asks for that they obtain.

Another point to accomplish is to determine if the company is registered along with any type of governing physical bodies. You need to likewise visit if the business is enrolled along with some other worldwide or nationwide physical bodies. This is actually considering that we all know that uncontrolled vendors are actually often the ones that can not provide you the best bargains on products and services.

Some Distributors, in their effort to compete with one another, are actually much more very competitive along with one another in relations to the products and services they provide. They sometimes give un-necessary deals like free freight, which are really quite costly down the road. This might seem attracting some folks yet it is actually certainly not recommended.

Wholesalers require to comply with an extremely rigorous rules of conduct and their suppliers have to abide by a set of policies so that there is actually no negativeness that could slip right into the provider. If you would like to locate a vendor who provides quality products at a realistic price, then the greatest choice will be actually to inspect the ISO specifications for high quality.

Setting Up a Market Place B2B Account to Market Your Organisation

Online market B2B accounts may be a wonderful resource to your advertising technique. Through developing a blogging site or even making use of a social networking sites website, you can easily interact along with your leads in an on the internet manner as well as obtain the current information, products and services readily available for your business. You can easily additionally utilize your blogging site or even social media accounts to inform your leads concerning any type of changes that are actually happening in your service.

You may be wondering what is actually a B2B online market account? You may create an internet site and also a blog site. Sometimes you will definitely wish to have both concurrently, therefore you can constantly share info with your prospects as well as maintain a partnership with them. In addition, it is actually easier to upgrade your weblog or even website along with details when you are working on your internet site.

To put together a B2B market profile, you are going to need to choose the amount of time you desire to commit to building your service. There are many chances that are actually cost-free or even inexpensive to sign up with. Make sure you do your investigation and select a plan that corrects for you.

If you intend to utilize your blogging site to offer service or products, the easiest technique to market is actually to pick a plan that permits you to be in the customers foundation for just one full week. After that opportunity has actually passed, you are going to be contributed to the data source as well as will begin to market on your own. This is actually the quickest means to get your service moving.

You may also opt for to market items that you create. This is commonly called "buyer-driven" advertising and marketing. When you choose to sell something that you created, it could be really beneficial to have an on-line market place B2B account to market to your customers.

Having an on the web marketplace B2B account is actually quite significant for most small businesses. While your competitors are actually outsourcing their advertising and marketing, you may make the most of the world wide web and also your information. It will certainly certainly not just provide you even more sales but are going to make it achievable for you to increase your business without having to leave your residence.

When opting for the mighty Alietc.com on the web industry B2B account, ensure you are actually taking advantage of any sort of systems that are on call to you. You can establish a general account that will provide you even more functions. You can find these systems through doing a seek "on the internet market B2B".

You can anticipate to pay for a charge for any sort of kind of online marketplace B2B accounts that you decide on. The cost is actually usually marginal, however it relies on the form of account you select. A great general rule is to decide on a course that supplies solutions for the same price as a print subscription.

Your B2B online market place account need to be actually user friendly, user-friendly and also budget-friendly. It needs to offer you with a wide array of devices that will definitely assist you handle your advertising initiatives, company and also products. Make sure you comprehend the information of any agreement you authorize.

Your company might possess an email list or even a blog site. Furthermore, you can easily choose which social media websites and also blog sites to utilize for marketing. You will likewise wish to make use of these websites to get in touch with your customers and clients.

Remember, to use a b2b profile to market your company, you require to become able to reach your customers through these internet places. You must feature loads of relevant information regarding your business with all of your sites. This assists your consumers to remember your business, while your possible consumers are actually also reminded of your firm.

Find the greatest deals when you shop for your product, by doing some purchasing around and also locating the best deals when you acquisition in bulk, or even simply put, cost-free classifieds. Not just are going to this conserve you funds, but you will also manage to reach out to a larger group of individuals than if you are trying to advertise individual products.

[iranpair48-blog]

Distributors - About

Where to Find Dealers That May Deal You the most effective Products

Wholesalers are actually known for supplying the consumer along with top quality products at an excellent price. If you want to find good quality manufacturers of a particular product, our team need to look for suppliers who supply what our company really want.

The variety of Providers enhances as time go on as well as, as their competitors boosts therefore do the expenses. In short; Distributors, if enabled to grow out of control, wind up eating into the earnings of the business. When our company start to use additional products in our day-to-day life, our experts typically help make mistakes when it involves choosing the ideal Vendor.

Prior to our team begin our seek the most ideal Vendor, our experts need to initially seek a business that can easily meet our simple requirements for basic materials. As an example, for a hair flat iron, we need it to be of premium as our team wish our hair to appear good. Yet just how do https://alietc.com/suppliers/consumer-electronic/other-consumer-electronics know if the Distributor provides these resources?

It is actually strongly recommended that you always keep a list of Distributors who deliver top quality items at a small cost. You should recognize just how much you are spending for every product just before you order it. For instance, if we intend to order a great deal of them, then our experts require to price them according to amount. This will assist our company buy merely those products at an affordable price.

Business, that use less costly raw materials, will definitely certainly not earn a profit due to the fact that they will have too many expenditures. It is suggested that our company stick to Suppliers who offer products of premium at an affordable. Certainly not merely are going to this aid us conserve cash yet additionally increase our earnings.

When our experts have actually opted for a vendor and also found a listing of Providers, we require to start looking online. Suppliers like Alietc may start through browsing on Google.com or any other online search engine. Just input the key words that connect to the kind of items that our experts desire to acquire.

Internet search engine will definitely offer you a bunch of results to choose from. Make certain to read through the small print. Try as well as look for the name of the business together with details services or products. This way, you are going to acquire even more relevant information on the provider.

Some providers, somehow, supply even more information than others. You need to have to recognize what is the main concentration of business before you go forward to buy an item coming from them.

Various other factors that our company should do when our company are actually seeking a provider is to attempt and contact all of them. Have a look at the e-mails of the company prior to contacting them for additional information. Look for out if the business follows up with the orders they get and if they have the ability to handle the demands that they receive.

An additional trait to do is to learn if the provider is actually enrolled along with any type of regulatory body systems. You should likewise have a look at if the firm is actually enrolled with any other worldwide or even nationwide body systems. This is since all of us understand that not regulated distributors are typically the ones that can easily not give you the most ideal bargains on product or services.

Some Providers, in their effort to take on each other, are a lot more affordable with one another in terms of the products and services they offer. They at times supply un-necessary offers like free of cost freight, which are actually incredibly expensive in the end. This might seem attracting some people however it is actually certainly not suggested.

Wholesalers need to have to observe a quite rigorous code of conduct and also their suppliers have to stick to a collection of plans to ensure that there is no negativity that could possibly creep right into the business. If you desire to find a supplier who delivers top quality products at an acceptable cost, at that point the greatest option will be actually to examine the ISO standards for high quality.

Putting together a Marketplace B2B Profile to Market Your Business

Online market B2B accounts may be a wonderful resource to your advertising approach. By producing a blog or even using a social media sites website, you may communicate along with your customers in an on the web fashion and also acquire the most recent information, products and services on call for your organisation. You can additionally use your blog post or social networking sites accounts to inform your leads about any sort of changes that are actually occurring in your business.

http://greendiamond.co may be questioning what is a B2B online marketplace profile? You may produce a website and also a blog post. Often times you are going to intend to possess both all at once, therefore you can continually share details with your customers as well as preserve a partnership along with all of them. Moreover, it is simpler to update your blog post or site with information when you are actually working on your site.

To set up a B2B market account, you will need to have to decide how much time you intend to commit to building your company. There are actually many possibilities that are actually complimentary or even cost-effective to participate in. Be sure you do your investigation and opt for a system that corrects for you.

If you plan to use your blog to market product and services, the simplest means to sell is actually to pick a course that permits you to be in the consumers bottom for just one week. After that opportunity has actually passed, you are going to be included in the data bank and also will certainly begin to market on your own. This is actually the quickest way to receive your service moving.

You can likewise choose to market products that you produce. This is commonly referred to as "buyer-driven" marketing. When you make a decision to market one thing that you produced, it could be really beneficial to have an on-line market place B2B profile to market to your customers.

Having an internet market B2B profile is very significant for a lot of small businesses. While your rivals are actually delegating their advertising, you can easily maximize the web and your information. It will definitely not simply offer you much more purchases but are going to make it feasible for you to increase your company without must leave your residence.

When opting for an internet market place B2B profile, are sure you are actually making the most of any plans that are actually accessible to you. You may set up a general profile that will definitely give you even more attributes. You may find these courses through carrying out a seek "on-line market B2B".

You can anticipate to spend a charge for any type of form of on the internet marketplace B2B accounts that you select. The fee is usually marginal, but it relies on the kind of account you pick. A great rule of thumb is to choose a program that offers companies for the very same rate as a print registration.

Your B2B online market profile should be user friendly, easy to use and also affordable. It needs to offer you with an assortment of tools that will definitely aid you manage your advertising initiatives, service and also products. Be sure you understand the information of any sort of contract you sign.

Your organisation may possess an email list or even a blog. On top of that, you can decide on which social networking internet sites and blogging sites to utilize for marketing. You will additionally intend to make use of these web sites to connect with your customers and also clients.

Remember, to utilize a b2b account to market your service, you need to become able to reach your customers with these on the web places. You ought to include plenty of relevant information about your company in each of your sites. This assists your clients to keep in mind your organisation, while your possible consumers are additionally advised of your company.

Discover the most effective deals when you buy your item, by carrying out some buying around as well as locating the very best deals when you acquisition in bulk, or even in other words, cost-free classifieds. Certainly not merely are going to this save you funds, yet you will certainly also have the capacity to connect with a bigger group of individuals than if you are actually making an effort to market personal items.

[d2kvirus]

Dickheads of the Month: January 2019

As it seems that there are people who say or do things that are remarkably dickheaded yet somehow people try to make excuses for them or pretend it never happened, here is a collection of some of the dickheaded actions we saw in the month of January 2019 to make sure that they are never forgotten.

It seems that Rachel Riley is quite smart at maths but a complete moron at anything else, what with her accusing Noam Chomsky of antisemitism in spite of the fact that Chomsky is a little bit Jewish, before following it up by encouraging her far-right Twitter followers to dogpile onto anyone voicing different opinions to her - which mainly involved a 16-year old girl bearing the brunt of it.  However she wasn’t finished there, as when she was rightly being criticised for encouraging her followers to dogpile onto people she then went whinging to the press about being bullied by left-wing trolls before announcing she needed personal security for when she was attending Countdown tapings, which sounds uncannily similar to the same stunt Laura Kuenssberg pulled a couple of years ago

Starting the year with a bang we had Chris Grayling first try and defend the Seaborne Freight farce by saying he was supporting up-and-coming British business (while omitting the parts about them being owned by the brother of a significant Tory donor, or not having any ships or trading history, let alone the fact the contract wasn’t even put out to tender) and followed that up by claiming the rail fare hikes are entirely the fault of the unions and definitely nothing to do with shareholder dividends or years of rail services taking the piss with fare hikes on January 2nd every year.  Of course, Grayling being Grayling, he also helped out the Britait debate by saying that a second referendum shouldn’t take place because if the result came back in support of Remain it would go against The Will Of The People™ - which apparently said people willingly voting to remain wouldn’t be

It didn't help Grayling that those checking the Seaborne Freight website found that their Ts & Cs were from the template used when setting up a website for a takeaway food outlet, the timetable for services was blank (and, for some reason, in Latin), while their privacy page had forgotten that the fields marked [Business Name] are supposed to be filled with the name of the business using the website

Overly sensitive snowflake Piers Moron Morgan spent a hell of a lot of time and energy yelling from the rooftops how appalling it was that Greggs are selling vegan sausage rolls, which is apparently the downfall of humanity as we know it and definitely not the hourly cry for attention from an attention-seeking lunatic - and while some claimed it was a stunt because he and Greggs share a PR agency, that theory appears to have been ever so slightly undermined by him then spouting off about McDonalds selling vegan Happy Meals

It’s funny how James Goddard demonstrated just how much of a difference a day makes, with him threatening Anna Soubry and Owen Jones on January 7th and bellowing at police officers that if they so much as touched him he’d start a a war...yet on January 8th he was bawling his eyes out on Twitter because his Facebook and PayPal accounts had been terminated

Lying (through his teeth) in front of a tractor Boris Johnson claimed he never mentioned Turkey at any point during the EU Referendum campaign - and when confronted with his numerous comments about Turkish immigrants flocking into the UK if the country voted Remain by Channel 4 journalist Michael Crick, he ran away to hide like an utter coward

Proving that gaslighting is the in thing at the BBC, Director General Tony Hall stated in an interview with the Financial Times that there is no need to discipline Andrew Neil for referring to Carole Cadwalladr as a “mad cat woman” as he had apologised - except for the fact that, while it may be plausible that Neil apologised to the BBC, there has not been a public apology for his comments

Sticking with the BBC, it took just two editions of Question Time before Fiona Bruce showed her true colours as she spent ten minutes making jokes about Diane Abbott (including suggesting that she only became Shadow Home Secretary because she once slept with Jeremy Corbyn) prior to one edition which Abbott was a guest on, and for the remainder of the episode constantly talked over Abbott while letting the other guests speak uninterrupted, including allowing Isabel Oakeshott to not just make a patently false statement but use said patently false statement to attack Abbott.  It wasn’t helped that when the BBC finally got around to admitting fault almost two weeks later, their statement actually said it was a joke - you know, like the school bully tries to claim when they get caught

Oh boy, there were so many triggered manbabies were up in arms about a Gillette advert for suggesting that maybe, just maybe, being a toxic dickhead isn’t any way to behave - to which they responded by acting like a bunch of toxic dickheads throwing a temper tantrum all over social media not seen since Nike featured Colin Kaepernick in an ad campaign

I’m going to assume AnonymousQ1776 thought they were being really, really clever when posting that video clip of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez coupled with their sneering comment that made them sound uncannily like a teenage edgelord who doesn't know what communism is but throws the word around a lot.  I’m also going to assume they weren’t happy when the stunt backfired on them by not only making Ocasio-Cortez look like a normal human being who does normal things, but doing so also reopened the can of worms about what Brett Kavanaugh was up to when he was younger...

Middle England’s favourite edgelord Rod Liddle obviously needed to be extra quote-unquote provocative this month after using his column in The Sun to suggest that what Britain needs is a new political party that represents traditional values - which means neither Muslims nor the entire LGBT spectrum are not allowed

Just when you thought John Humphreys couldn’t sound any more like a pompous windbag with the credibility of a arthritic toad, he only goes to suggest that the Republic of Ireland should rejoin the UK - because who gives a toss about centuries of history or the minor inconvenience of 92% of irish people preferring to remain in the EU when Radio 4′s most jumped-up presenter suggests they swallow their pride and return to the warm chokehold of the British Empire? 

It appeared The Daily Star had a real scoop when they printed an interview with Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson in which he made scathing comments about the “snowflake generation” and how they were “looking for reasons to be offended” - that is until Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson issued a statement saying that not only did he not say those things, but he also never gave that interview

It seems The Board of Deputies of British Jews never got around to reading The Crucible judging by their going Full Baddiel and accusing Tottenham fans of antisemitism and, in the same statement, said they should follow the model of Chelsea fans - yes, the same Chelsea fans who have subjected Spurs fans to songs about Hitler and gas chambers for decades, who just so happen to be under investigation by UEFA for their anti semitic chanting during a Europa League match against Vidi in December

This month’s worst case of Trump Derangement Syndrome comes from Sarah Huckabee Sanders after she said that God wanted Donald Trump to become President in an interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network

Lucky for Lara Kollab there’s nothing in the hippocratic oath forbidding being an anti semitic bigot on Twitter.  On the other hand, there certainly was in the employment contract at the hospital she worked at, which is why they fired her

Somehow the British Army paid £1.5m on an recruitment ad campaign that was so successful that it led to members of the army quitting when finding out their photos were used to recruit “Snow flakes" (sic) and “Me me me millennials” - but that didn’t stop Gavin Williamson claiming it was “a powerful call to action” (rather than “bloody patronising”) while James Cleverly mouthed off like an idiot on Twitter in support because mouthing off like an idiot on Twitter is all that somebody who makes their surname fair game on a regular basis like James Cleverley knows how to do

It took a while but Jake Paul finally found a way to reclaim his crown of Most Odious Paul Brother by hitting upon a loot box scheme to encourage his viewers to, in effect, gamble - because apparently he (and Ricegum) only paid attention to the part where the likes of Electronic Arts were making money hand over fist when they were shoving loot boxes in all their games, but didn’t bother listening when various gambling commissions began looking into the practise

To prove my point James Cleverly took it upon himself to take to Twitter and sneer “You do realise that it’s not a documentary” when I, Daniel Blake was airing on TV - because it's better to score points on Twitter than admit that a UN report late last year was damning of the Tory government’s treatment of their less well-off citizens, isn’t it?

Trying to explain away his dickheadishness saw Wayne Hennessey claim he wasn’t doing a Nazi salute in a photo that happened to be taken by German teammate Max Meyer, he was actually waving at somebody - and the reason he had his finger on his top lip wasn’t the well-known mimicry of Hitler’s ‘tache but he was putting his hand to his mouth so somebody on the other side of the room could hear him.  For some strange reason nobody was convinced...

Attention-seeking loon Laura Loomer didn’t learn from the humiliation conga line that was her so-called protest at Twitter HQ judging by her protest against illegal immigration that involved her climbing over the fence around Nancy Pelosi’s property and setting up a stall on Pelosi’s lawn - at which point she appears to have forgotten what she was protesting about and instead kept yelling for Pelosi to respond to her, even though anyone with C-SPAN would’ve told her Pelosi was currently in the Senate

In order to promote her UK tour Azealia Banks thought the best idea was to vomit a long string of invective about the Irish on her social media all because she got irked by one Aer Lingus flight attendant

Can somebody tell Bill Maher that he doesn’t make himself sound more correct every time he regurgitates the “adults shouldn’t read comics” rant he first brought it up in the wake of Stan Lee’s death?  Because it appears nobody has

Out of curiosity, is Gregory Prytyka Jr. still popping over here in an attempt to find material to try and attack me with because they can’t handle the fact I called them out for their tedious shitposting, or have they crawled back under the rock they usually live under?

And finally, harrumphing to himself in a way that everyone can hear (although they wish they couldn’t) is Donald Trump and his banquets that look suspiciously like those given by the megalomaniacal villain of Kingsmen, continuing to throw a diplomatic temper tantrum over a wall he said Mexico would pay for

[fansplaining]

Transcript: Episode 72: Alternate Universes

(episode | show notes)

[Intro music: Awel by Stefsax]

Flourish Klink: Hi, Elizabeth!

Elizabeth Minkel: Hi, Flourish!

FK: And welcome to Fansplaining, the podcast by, for, and about fandom!

ELM:: This is Episode 72, "Alternate Universes."

FK: I'm excited about this because we have both been falling down an alternate universe rabbit hole, and we are inviting Morgan Leigh Davies to come and fall down that rabbit hole with us this time.

ELM: OK, first, Morgan. She is the cohost of Overinvested with Gavia Baker-Whitelaw, and she is a critic and a fanfiction writer, author of at least one very popular high school AU.

FK: True.

ELM:: So that's point one, and I'm very excited to talk to her about this. Point two, you've been falling down an AU rabbit hole? I didn't know this.

FK: It's mostly been you but you dragged me with you.

ELM: Oh! [laughs] I'm so proud!

FK: For people who haven't followed along Elizabeth ran into X-Men: First Class like a freight train.

ELM: No no no! It was last month, in the beginning of March, I had to fly first across the Atlantic and then across the country within 48 hours of each other. And I always try to do some work on the plane, but on the second one I was just like, fuck it, I'm watching as many movies as possible.

FK: Reasonable!

ELM: So I watched Finding Dory. Made me cry. Frozen, made me cry. Lego Batman movie. [FK laughs] Did not make me cry, but I enjoyed. So at this point I was telling my friend this and she was like "were the parental controls on? And did everyone around you think that you had a problem?" And then I watched X-Men: Days of Future Past, which I had not seen and I had only ever seen First Class also on a plane and only half-watched it and barely remembered it.

FK: And then it hit you like a freight train and then you fell down a rabbit hole and in the rabbit hole in addition to the rabbit was also a lot of AUs and then you dragged me down too.

ELM: You know, yes. [laughs]

FK: And so now...

ELM:: There is a disproportionate number of AUs in the X-Men. It's like the new franchise. Right? There is some acknowledgement of the 2000s movies, but it's a separate premise. And it seems to be a fairly dormant fandom, a stagnant fandom, because most of this was done 6-7 years ago. Right?

FK: Right. X-men is sort of fragmented into, I feel like it's people who care about the comics and the 2000s movies; there's a small number of people who care a LOT about Wolverine...I mean, they're not a small number, but anyway.

ELM: Yeah, a lot of people seem to care about him! But then yeah, there's a separate...it seems like kind of a separate fandom from people who are into X-Men as a concept. Or teens. It's not really about teens. Anyway, so for context, I think people know this who listen to this, I am not historically...have not really been an AU person. I love canon-divergent AUs. Right? Love them. But...

FK: You're all about them.

ELM: I think when I took our Tropes Survey, I think I said "no" to most of the AUs. And it was like, if you can really sell me on it, I would read a... I don't know. Actor AU, or a...whatever. I'm trying to think of some examples of ones on the list.

FK: Yeah, but you were not like, Oh yeah. AUs. I love 'em.

ELM: No, in fact I said I do not love them! I dislike them. Right?

FK: Yeah!

ELM: And I still feel this way for a bunch of the fandoms I've been in! I just, no. So when I initially looked at this I was like, oh, that's disappointing that they're all AUs. But then I started reading some of them. There are so many good stories! I really don't understand it! I'm so confused! Because I have read tons of AUs in the past. Just cause I dislike them, it's not like I dislike them sight unseen, you know? I'll be like, agh, this has nothing to do with the characters! Or, this is trivializing everything that was important about the original stories! Or whatever. And I don't feel this way at all right now, and it's very confusing to me.

FK: I hope that we can clear up some of that confusion. I...

ELM: You've been reading the stories I sent you!

FK: Yeah, and also because you've been having this crisis [ELM: laughs] I've been thinking more, because I have also written some extremely canon-divergent AUs, like I had this big project of incredibly canon-divergent Harry Potter, which is so far that it's almost not even a canon-divergent AU, right? Literally everything is different from the moment of Harry's birth, so...what happens at that point?

ELM: That's a canon divergent AU!

FK: It still is, but it's definitely very far away. And I've been thinking about all the other AUs I've liked, [silly voice] The AUs I've loved and left [ELM laughs] you know. So I'm really excited to talk about this. I don't think, until recently I don't think that I ever really thought of this as such a divisive or...I don't know. We've talked about AUs a bunch in the past but I've always taken it from the perspective of "yeah those jerks outside of fandom dissing coffeeshop AUs!" Whereas now I'm like "do they have a different role in fandom than other kinds of fic? Let's think about this!" So. Let's think about this!

ELM: Great, OK. So I'm excited to talk to Morgan. Who, by the way, also...Morgan has been my guide through X-Men AU.

FK: Like she's the Virgil to your Dante?

ELM: That's the most accurate and true.

FK: [laughing] Does this...I'm not Beatrice or something in this metaphor, am I? I can't be Beatrice! That's not how this works!

ELM: No, you're coming too! Sorry, you're comin' down. I don't know what to tell you.

FK: OK.

ELM: Yeah.

FK: Well, shall we call Morgan and enter the underworld?

ELM: Let's do it. Let's call Virgil.

[Interstitial music is by Jahzzar]

FK: OK! I think it's time to welcome Morgan to the podcast! Hello Morgan!

Morgan Leigh Davies: Hello!

ELM! Thank you for coming on. I'm really excited about this.

MLD: Very happy to be here!

ELM: OK before we talk about the most important topic ever, the alternate universe fanfiction, you should introduce yourself first, just so people know who you are.

MLD: My name is Morgan Leigh Davies, I am a writer and podcaster, I cohost a podcast Overinvested about pop culture with Gavia Baker Whitelaw, with whom Elizabeth also does a sort of fandom newsletter every week. So that is why I am here. To talk about fanfiction.

FK: In order to close this circle, Morgan, you realize that you and I have to have a project together and then...

ELM: It's true.

MLD: To truly incestuously make this happen. People frequently will tweet at me about The Rec Center, which is your newsletter...

FK: Happens to me all the time also!

MLD: I don't do this! But thank you! [laughing]

ELM: Do people also think that the Rec Center is a project of your podcast? Cause people...

MLD: No.

ELM: People think that it is, which makes more sense with us because it's about fandom. The podcast is as well, right. But they'll be like "on the Fansplaining newsletter..." and I'll be like "No!"

MLD: No, I don't think so, I think they just get confused because I think in their heads Gav and I are, like, two extensions of one person because they listen to the podcast and so we're very intimately connected in their brains.

FK: See, whereas I feel like people think that Gav and I are the same person somehow even though she's literally been on the podcast with me and Elizabeth and we're nothing alike, but...

ELM: It's fine, it's fine. I hope this is setting the record straight for everyone.

FK: Alright alright already. AUs though. I'm really excited to hear what you have to say about them, because I think you're the one among us three who's actually written a significant AU story in addition to reading them copiously.

MLD: I have, I did, I wrote one called "Middletown" in the Captain America: Winter Soldier fandom four years ago. Which is terrifying. And it was I think it's safe to say very popular, and it was an interesting experience because I wrote it because I hate high school AUs and it was a high school AU. And so I suspect it was a slightly different exercise than when most people set out to do this, although perhaps I'm wrong? But it was kind of like an anti, sort of anti-AU AU writing experience. Although I think a lot of my fanfiction writing, which I haven't been doing recently, tends to be kind of reacting against things in fandom as opposed to embracing them. I suppose I'm a contrarian. [all laugh]

ELM: OK wait. I also hate high school AUs. Flourish, I don't know how you feel about them.

FK: Mostly not great.

ELM: I'm curious to know Morgan why you hated them and what was the subversion happening, and I don't want this to sound like you wrote a fancy subversive one and all the other ones are garbage. I think that...

FK: I feel certain that there are things to like about high school AUs!

ELM: Something about the trope just doesn't work for me.

MLD: I mean I have not read all of them. I'm sure there are other good ones out there. The ones that I have read in the past, not in many years, some of them I enjoyed, many of them I did not. The one I wrote sprang out of conversations I was having at the time with gyzym, Kady Morrison, who I was working on something with then and we kind of just were having this ridiculous chat conversation about "what if all the Captain America characters were in this ridiculous high school?" but she also is not a huge fan of high school AUs, as I recall it, from those conversations, and the thing that always really bothered me about them was that the characters never acted like they were actual teenagers, and then at the end of the story everything was really great and the romance was resolved and it was perfect.

Whereas most people do not wind up married to their high school girlfriend or boyfriend. That's not how it works.

ELM: I don't know if you've read Harry Potter but I thought that's what happens actually always! So...

MLD: [laughing] Right. So it was just kind of the falsity of those narratives, which I get can be comforting to some people and if that's what you want that's fine but it's not appealing to me particularly, so the high school AU that I wrote really heavily features zits and body odor and teenagers acting like real assholes, in an unpleasant way. And when I was writing it, I thought that only adults would like it, because it's kind of...very lovingly rude to teenagers. In a way, it literally explicitly says "teenagers are dumb," which they are, and I say that totally lovingly, teenagers are amazing but they're also idiots, I was completely stupid at age sixteen, it's fine.

It was really interesting seeing the reaction to that once I'd put it up, because the people who responded the most intensely were obviously teenagers who were like "this is my life! Oh my God!" and I was very moved by this. But I was thinking about this topic before we started recording, and the sort of different fandoms I've been really deep into at various times and the ways I've engaged with fanfiction around them because you, Elizabeth, have been reading all this X-men fanfic and we've talked about it a little bit and the last fandom I think I was really crazy into in an insane way was Captain America several years ago, and I read a lot of fanfiction and I don't think I read almost any AUs, despite writing one myself, and I don't think I was very interested in them, and I was thinking about what made that not appealing to me in that context vs. X-Men, which is the AU heaven?

FK: It's interesting to me because I also said I didn't like high school AUs but I think that for me the reason I don't like them is I don't want to go back to high school. Nothing was good there. And I also don't have a strong positive feeling about the tropes of high school...I mean, who doesn't like, whatever, Rock N' Roll High School or Mean Girls or whatever. but...

ELM: I've never even heard of the first thing you said.

FK: Rock N' Roll High School, the greatest high school movie ever made?

ELM: Morgan, do you know this? I don't know this.

FK: I'm gonna make you watch this.

ELM: You said this in the same breath as Mean Girls, which is a masterpiece.

FK: This is so good.

ELM: Better than Mean Girls?!

FK: In a very different way.

ELM: OK.

FK: It's about fandom, too!

ELM: OK now I'm scared of this.

FK: It's about a girl who is a fan of a band and brings them to her high school.

ELM: OK?

FK: It's great! Anyway, I don't have a super super positive...that's not a trope that I love, and also I think it's really hard to translate characters into high school in a way that feels real or that it's saying something important to me. Do you know what I mean? There's some tropes where I'm like, "yeah, haha, it's not really saying anything that he's a duke now..." [everyone cracks up] "...and this is Regency England, but I fuckin' love Regency England, so I'm gonna go and enjoy this." Almost always there's no deeper meaning there, but it's a trope that I love, so who cares?

But in order to bring someone along into an AU space that's not already that, I feel like I want to get something...I want it to have meaning that they've been put into an AU. I want it to uncover something about the characters for me. I don't know.

ELM: That's funny, cause you're saying...and I think it's interesting, Morgan's saying she doesn't like high school AUs because they don't act like teens, and I agree with...not that there's any opposition here. I feel the same way as Flourish, in that when I've read them I've found that they also don't feel likethe characters. So then what are they? You slapped some names on the cast of Saved by the Bell? [laughing] I'm trying to think of a high school show. 90210? These are two absurd examples.

FK: Dawson's Creek...?

ELM: Did they act like teens? I don't think so!

MLD: Most shows about teenagers do not feature characters who remotely resemble teenagers, for instance, I have never seen an episode of Riverdale but everything I see from Riverdale I'm just like what is happening?! Who are these people?! I feel so old watching it. I'm just like, this is a culture that is beyond me and yet despite me feeling old watching it it's not that this is what the teens act like now, it's clearly [laughing] there's just, this is an alien thing that no human has ever behaved in this way at all, right? I feel like teen shows tend to be like that. They're just not of this world, and I think that AUs are kind of like that too, although in a different way. And that's not appealing to me, because even if really good AUs where the characters are kind of just original characters but written really well, sometimes I can enjoy that, but if they're just nonsense in whatever the specific genre is...I don't care.

FK: I guess that regardless of how the characters are written, and how much relationship they have to canon or not, I feel like if you're not interested in the location they're put in...I also don't want to read a college AU because college to me is neither aspirational nor a rosy time to look back on and dream about. Maybe someday it will be.

ELM: Wait, pause, do you feel like...have you guys read many college AUs? I've read some. College AUs to me always seem to be just about dorms, and...has this been everyone else's experience, or have you not read many of them?

MLD: I have only read a few. I feel like there are way more, at least recently - in quotes, "recently" - grad school fics and that is because more people writing fanfic [laughter] today are graduate students! And I can appreciate a grad school fanfiction. That's fine. College, no thank you, I do not need this. And I went to school in New York City so my experience was very different from the big state school or small liberal arts college type, "you're in the middle of nowhere and theres a dorm."

ELM: Dorms and quads. I just feel like there's a lot of dorms in these.

FK: What I wanna know is why do we stop at grad school? Why don't we have some college professor AUs where people are really getting into it with the conflict, some people have tenure, you're stuck with each other forever, you've got some pretty high stakes in this situation!

ELM: Flourish, I don't know if you're aware that in 95% of all X-men AUs Charles Xavier is still a professor.

FK: Well that's true. [all laughing]

ELM: They literally never, ever can give him a different job. It's extraordinary to me. Sure. Professor. Of the same subject.

FK: But they don't really get into, like, him fighting with someone over tenure cases in my experence.

ELM: Sometimes!

FK: Really?

ELM: Well, not over tenure. He always has tenure.

FK: Over other people's tenure cases!

MLD: I also have an answer for this: it's because the people writing fanfiction are graduate students. [all laugh]

FK: In graduate school did you not put your professors under even more of a magnifying glass to try and figure out the politics? I feel like I was way more invested in departmental politics as a grad student.

ELM: Is this cause you ended up marrying your professor?

FK: Well, that is how it ended. [all laughing]

MLD: I was totally fascinated by all my professors during my master's but that particular kind of thing was not so interesting to me and it was not the kind of thing that we had access to. You do get more access as a grad student, but...

ELM: Also in the UK, both Morgan and I went to grad school in the UK, and the system is quite different and so my grad school professors...I don't think any of them were full professors. You can have been teaching for 20 years and not have the title "professor."

FK: Yeah it's a much bigger deal which is fun when you go to the UK with someone who's a full professor here, like my husband, and then he gets treated really nicely.

ELM: They just handed it to him! To be fair he has been a professor for a long time at this point.

FK: That's true thank you.

ELM: Yeah. [all laughing] Now I'm calling him old.

FK: Good thing he doesn't listen to this podcast.

ELM:: He does not listen to it! Don't worry. OK. So do you guys, Morgan, you brought this up, you feel like in some fandoms you do it some fandoms you don't. Prior to dying and going to Hell and only reading X-men fic [all laughing] it's more of a purgatory right now. I was personally staunchly, who cares if other people do it, but personally I was like "oh I don't read stuff like that. I don't read X is a blank and Y is a blank." Or here's this scenario. And now I cannot stop and I'm worried about myself. and I'm wondering if it's...I don't know. I'm wondering about those as texts, working across fandoms or within fandoms or that kind of thing. Those are the questions I have about that.

MLD:: I was trying to think about these general topics before we started recording and I think the way I tend to read AUs is that I run through all the good canon fic in a fandom and reject the AUs and then when I get really desperate I start reading the AUs [laughing] And some of them are really good! But at first I'm like "ugh, I don't want to read that!" [grouchy noises] And then in some fandoms I just can't do it, it just will not click in my brain, but it tends to be a step...a last resort thing.

And for some reason, X-men, there's...I don't know what it is, there's a property that it has that is...the AU is actually the preferred object for me. [laughter] The platonic ideal of the X-men fic is not a canon fic, it is a ridiculous AU.

FK: But I think this actually may relate to stakes and ethics, though, because I too have this thing...I love One Direction and 99% of all One Direction fanfic is AUs and I cannot read them. I just can't. I can't do it. Don't make me. I know they're great. I know. I've been recommended all of them. [all laughs]

But. When I'm reading Reylo fanfic, like you, the preferred version of Reylo fanfic is definitely an AU for me. I'm like yeah, obviously they are both rising music stars in the late 90s. Why... [all laughing] It's a great story by the way I will put it in the show notes. It's really good.

ELM:: What kind of music stars I need to know!!!

FK: He was a really good...he had an album of folk, but it was all stolen from his grandfather's, things his grandfather had written and he never told anybody, and then he got snookered into making a deal with Snoke and had to become the front man of this awful Linkin Park like band, which is miserable, and she is a folk singer-songwriter like Jewel sort of, and there's a lot of butterfly hair clips. And it made me so nostalgic. [all laughing]

ELM:: OH MAN.

FK: The point I was trying to make was, I think there's something in both of these cases where you've got these weird messed up ethical situations and it's sort of easier to just enjoy a story when no one's killing anybody, you know?

MLD:: Here's my response to that: I also enjoy the Reylo dynamic in the Star Wars films [all continuing to chuckle] but I absolutely cannot read AU fics because the whole point is that it's bad and AU fic would make me feel gross. Sorry! Because if you have to acknowledge the badness... I have not found almost any good fic period because it's just very hard to do, right? The whole dynamic is just very complicated.

FK: Yeah, it is.

MLD:: Whereas X-men also has this complicated ethical stuff, but in the X-men films, it is treated so nonsensically [all laugh] that it just doesn't matter! The basic tone of those movies is just garbage. So you can write whatever the fuck you want! There are some fics that treat stuff seriously, with much more weight than the actual movies do, that do a really good job of it, and then there are some AUs that are just so dumb but in a smart way that are also really fun. But I think again the tone of those films is just...this is so absurd that you can kind of get away with doing anything, and I think that that's why I like all those AUs so much. You have these two characters who are really really compelling, the queerbaiting is so through the roof that you're dying to read SOMETHING.

ELM:: It's shocking, honestly.

MLD:: So whatever! It's fine. Whereas I think the Star Wars stuff for me, I don't think those movies are perfect but the pathos of the stuff in them seems more real to me than X-men which is just like "BLEAH! Whatever! I guess Magneto blew up a city or something this time! Whatever, he's gonna be back, it's fine." [all laughing]

ELM:: He always comes back, don't worry about it!

MLD:: Exactly! It feels fake.

FK: I don't disagree with you...I think that the reason that I like AUs in the Reylo space is because they consciously are like "nope, we're not dealing with that! We're not even gonna try to deal with the question of is he or is he not... he didn't kill anyone in this universe! He maybe ruined a couple of musical careers, but whatever it's fine! We're just gonna live with it." You know what I mean? It sounds like whereas with X-men it never mattered in the first place, so.

ELM:: Yeah, I mean, you can treat it seriously. Like you said, there's definitely some fics that take it much more seriously than others. I read the Quicksilver fic, by the way. The Septembriseur fic. It made me cry.

MLD:: This is a good friend of mine who wrote one about Quicksilver and it is a genuine work of art.

ELM:: It's a work of art.

MLD:: Seriously deals with trauma...she's the best writer I know. In any genre, anything. She's so gifted. You read that and you're like, this is both a piece of fiction craft-wise genius, but also all the emotional stuff is so deep and affecting and then you can just go read for instance the X-men fic that I wrote which is none of those things!

ELM:: Morgan, I love your fic so much!

MLD:: I'm very proud of it, and it's perfectly well written, it's fine, but in terms of the deep emotional stakes? Not so much!

FK: I have not read your X-men fic so I cannot speak to this.

ELM:: You should read it immediately afterwards. It's a delight. Genuine delight.

FK: OK. I will read it.

ELM:: I read it before I knew, I did not realize who had written it because it was very highly rated on the AO3. I'm not biased.

FK: I was away, this is following on from something aways back in the conversation, you're gonna have to forgive me. Your point that you can treat it seriously is true. One of the fics you recced me that I hadn't read before, I think you recced it as "they're dicking around in Amsterdam being dicks"?

ELM:: Douchebags, douchebags.

FK: Douchebags, not dicks.

ELM:: Morgan recommended this to me so that's a passed-along rec.

FK: What's the title of it?

ELM:: It's called "i guess i should say thanks or some shit." And the author, I think we know the author but it's been orphaned on the AO3, so it's by no one.

FK: It's orphaned, so it's by orphaned.

ELM:: Anonymous genius.

FK: Anonymous genius. So this story is, you know, Charles and Erik have their powers and they're bumping around Amsterdam being douchebags, but there's no killing of people, there's no Holocaust backstory it's strongly implied, I think, although I only read it once so...

ELM:: No, it's set in the relatively recent...

FK: Right! It's set recently.

ELM:: There's no Holocaust.

FK: I didn't think so, I was trying... oh, you're right, they have cell phones. So it's set recently. Whatever. So all the stuff that's super super super high stakes is gone, but they're still talking about reading people's minds and stealing bikes and ethical questions about having powers.

ELM:: The classical ethical question: Should you steal a bike?

MLD:: If you can and no one will catch you... [all laugh]

FK: So it treats telepathy very seriously in a way that literally nothing in X-men ever has in canon!

MLD:: That's one of my favorite fics ever in any canon, I've read it so many times, I love it so much! And I think what you're saying is totally right about it dealing with these questions in an interesting way, and I also think that what makes it so good is that it does not present either Charles or Erik as a remotely appealing person.

ELM:: Yes, which is canonical!

MLD:: They are just awful, in a way - exactly. In a way that's really fun to read about! They're very entertaining, and it's not like you hate them anything, cause obviously then why would you want to read this romance story about them? But they're both plainly just dreadful people. And that to me is so much more enjoyable as just writing period, as a general statement, than a story that tries to make the characters really good. Obviously it's, you can write fiction about good people that's also really compelling, that's fine, but I just read something I'm not going to say what it is that definitely did the thing where it's sort of like, "this person believes in all the right social justice stuff!" and I was like "this is boring to me." That can sort of weigh on a story after awhile, whereas this one in particular was just like, no. [all laugh] They're just assholes!

FK: I think part of that has to do wtih the changing of the stakes. I think it can be really tempting, if you're in a super super super hyper dramatic situation, like, OK, we have to have a hero in here, someone's blowing up a city! I read a lot of post-apocalyptic books just because I like the setting and almost always there's a man and he's the embodiment of American manhood and he's doing all the right things. [everyone laughs] I'm like OK great. And depending on what someone's political views are the embodiment of American manhood could be a lot of different things. Sometimes he's an antiracist, sometimes he's a gun nut! Depends who's writing it!

ELM:: Flourish, what books are you reading?! I didn't know about this secret love of yours!

FK: I just like postapocalyptic stories!

ELM:: Starring American men. Continue.

FK: I had actually never read Stephen King's The Stand because it's 10 million long but I have an Audible account now so I was like "let's maximize my Audible account," so obviously I got The Stand, because it's really long and I pay as much for it as I do for a short book. And every character in that so far is miserable. I'm like, I hate you all, this is glorious, Stephen King you did a good thing! But it's hard because you can see there's these moments in the story you want the person to be a hero, because the stakes are so high, like, surely this is gonna be the moment! ...no. But I think that in AUs it's like that. If the stakes are really high you're like "make him a hero."

ELM:: Not necessarily. If we bring it back to...I love that we're extensively discussing one fanfiction that everyone should pause and go read it and then you'll know what we're talking about [all laughing] but I also feel like the moral grey areas that both of those characters can occupy even in canonical situations or high stakes canonical-ish situations where there's some sort of supervillain or whatever, obviously they're still going to be occupying those moral grey spaces and they are both kind of douchebags always. But when they are saving the world, it's not necessarily that you get a pass, it's just that it's a little less stark I feel like. Whereas an AU can kind of strip that away and give you more space to sit with that ambiguity in a way that...I don't know. This is how I feel about a lot of blockbustery stuff too. It doesn't really give you that space and that's one thing I think fanfiction does. Maybe not always just AUs. Obviously lots of fanfiction does this.

FK: You mean, like, you're watching a two hour movie and it's like blam blam blam we have this story and it's action-packed and then OK, I didn't have any time to think about whether it was a good idea to do that or not...right? Is that it?

ELM:: I don't know, can you think of any...even Black Panther which I really liked, I don't think had enough time to sit with the complex moral questions they were asking. I think they did a better job than a lot of other big blockbustery superhero movies but I still feel like they had to go relatively quickly.

MLD:: I think a lot of that is also just a function of being a film versus...

ELM:: Being a hundred thousand word fanfiction?

MLD:: Or a novel or whatever. I think Black Panther was really incredible, I don't think it was the most politically deep movie I had ever seen in my life... this is very off topic. But it's a movie made directly for children. So that's fine. But I think something like X-men, as I was saying, you watch the movies and they're nonsense with occasional moments of "oh that could be interesting if they actually did something with it," and that's what all the fanfic does, is mine those occasional moments of potential insight. [laughing] For hundreds of thousands of words! Which is great.

ELM:: But then what's that distance when it's just brought over into an AU?

MLD:: Well, that's the question and I think that's why I tend to avoid reading them until I'm so desperate that I [laughing] can't get away from it. With X-men as we were just saying there is something bizarrely compelling about all of them that I don't even know that I have the full answer except what I was proposing. And in other fandoms it gets interesting cause I think there can be a tendency to write generic romance novels about white men under the auspices of a fandom which is risky.

ELM:: This is something that I actually kinda wanna dig into and I'm wondering if we should take a break, cause we're kind of at a halfway point, and pick up from there.

FK: Sounds good, let's do it.

[Interstitial music by Jahzzar]

FK: OK, we're back, and we're gonna talk a little bit about Any Two Guys stories, because this is an important question in the world of AUs. For those of you who don't read a lot of fanfic, of which I think there are some, Any Two Guys stories are stories that could be about any two guys! Not just the people you're supposedly in the fandom for.

ELM:: So this is a long time criticism of slash fandom in general, not just with AUs, right? The dark haired man and the light haired man. [all laugh] The taller man and the shorter man.

FK: The older man and the younger man.

ELM:: It's true! [MLD: hooting]

MLD:: We could go on and on!

ELM:: I will admit, this is one of the reasons I've always had a low key bias against this kind of AU. This is not the first time that I've read AUs, obviously, but it's just like...when you hit a point not too far in where you're like "this has nothing to do with the characters, you've just slapped their names on it," that's the point where I get to feel a little resentful, and I don't know if that's fair, because I kind of feel like there's plenty of people who know...it's deliberate. It's not like they think they're doing some deep read on the original characters; they're just telling a story. But then it's like, what am I reading? I'm just reading a story starring the actors of the canon [laughing], the namesakes of these two characters. All right.

FK: I feel like one question is, what is fanfic for? Because part of fanfic is for interrogating the original text, obviously, but part of fanfic is also sometimes about desire or emotional... when I say desire I don't mean just lust. I mean also emotional engagement in fantasy people, who may or may not be the characters in the story. The characters in the story might be the starting point for those fantasy people, but let's be real, my headcanon of Scully is definitely not canon Scully. She's just not. She's better. [laughs] I wonder sometimes whether "any two guys" stories are also about the stuff that people bring to reading it, as much as they are...it's more like, here is a story that could be just a gay romance novel, but I know that you're going to paratextually bring this stuff to it, and therefore it's different than if you were reading it just as a romance novel.

MLD:: Well, obviously this stuff gets written in the groupthink of a fandom. Usually. Some people write things...

ELM:: I love what I would call "intertextuality" you just called "groupthink." It's really good. [all laugh]

MLD:: That is the way I think about fandom! It's all groupthink. I wrote quite a bit by my standards of Captain America fanfic, I think more than for any other fandom, and that was definitely the most clearcut experience I have had of fandom groupthink in the sense that...

ELM:: Engaging as fanon as much as canon.

MLD:: Right. There were certain trends that would happen and then I would push back against certain things in my writing, but it wasn't just me, you could sense that there would be this push back against something and then something else would come up and it was...I think that happens in most fandoms once you get to a certain size, but it was the most clearcut and visible to me in that one, which was really interesting to observe, and I think I conceptualized it most clearly in that. I was like "oh, everyone is putting their brains into the same space and stuff is coming out." Which was really fun, even if some of the stuff coming out I found very aggravating [laughing] A lot of the appeal of writing this stuff was that experience of knowing that everyone that was going to read your thing would be informed by all the other stuff that they were writing.

Which is kind of interesting for me to think now, cause I still get comments on some of that stuff, obviously sporadically, and I know that people coming to it now if they're coming to it cold are having a very different experience. Which is fine, it's just not the same thing. So if you're writing a two guys AU in that context, obviously it is a different thing. But for me that's still not massively appealing because it strays away from the questions that were appealing to me. For instance, in the Captain America stuff, which tended to have to do at some point with canon even if they had spiraled out to fanon stuff that we'd all made up and agreed upon collectively, even though it...you know? I'm rambling at this point but I think you get what I mean.

ELM:: That makes total sense.

FK: What you just said makes complete sense, and it's interesting to me when I think of an AU that I really love that many people really love, "The Student Prince," which is a Merlin AU, but I hate Merlin. I watched the first episode [over laughter] and I turned it off in anger because what did you do.

ELM:: Wait, you've only seen one episode?

FK: Yeah, I hate it!

ELM:: That's the foundation of your hatred?

FK: It was not good. I couldn't. It was like a Did Not Finish book. Sometimes you get into a book and you're like, Did Not Finish. Exactly like that. I settled in planning on watching all of it because I liked some of the fic, and no. But it's also a Kate and Wills AU...

ELM:: Because it's set at St. Andrews, right?

FK: So I was coming at it as the Kate and Wills AU that happens to have gay Merlin and Arthur in it [all cackle] and everyone else who read that I'm pretty sure was coming at it from the Merlin AU that happens to be about royals, and now it makes so much more sense to me the things that I liked and cared about in that fic were very different!

ELM:: It's really good. But do you think that people were coming into it because of Merlin? That story was in the Rec Center last week, and probably not for the first time, and when I looked and checked the link, that has half a million hits on AO3.

FK: I don't think all those people watched Merlin.

ELM:: I don't think those are all Merlin fans. Obviously it's a relatively popular fandom but still. What a compelling concept!

MLD:: This is interesting too though is the phenomenon of people reading AUs when they aren't familiar with the source material at all, which people definitely do and I've had people send me things and be like "this is so amazing, it doesn't matter that you haven't seen the thing, it's an AU, it's so good," and I just can't bring myself to do it. I just...it doesn't. I'm sure they're right, but I just can't, I don't care.

FK: For whatever reason people do this with me for SGA all the time, Stargate Atlantis, and I have seen more SGA than Merlin but somehow it just doesn't, I can't, no.

ELM:: But I feel like there are a lot of people for whom that works, right?

FK: Yeah, well, obviously it works for me for some things, because I read the Merlin fic! [all laugh]

ELM:: So why does it work for you for some things and not others? It needs to push your buttons in some other way then. Apparently it needs to be about dukes or princes or something, cause you're a total monarchist.

FK: Monarchist all the way down. Well, I think also with Merlin it helps because it is itself based on something. I think that if I had never seen Sherlock, but I had read Sherlock Holmes, I could probably read some Sherlock fanfic and be like "OK! This is just an AU of an AU, fine. We're moving on."

ELM:: So, but, is that a problem? This isn't meant to be a referendum on any one given fic.

FK: Can I just say we have managed to go this entire time without mentioning Fifty Shades of Grey and I'm really proud of us but I had to break the streak?

MLD:: That literally did not enter my mind.

ELM:: I never think about Fifty Shades of Grey.

FK: That's because you guys are slash only and I'm draggin' the het in here!

ELM:: It's true.

MLD:: I have definitely read and written het fanfic! [all laugh]

ELM:: Oh wow!

MLD:: BUT FIFTY SHADES OF GREY IS NOT ON MY RADAR IN ANY CAPACITY AT ALL!

FK: Well, I feel like Twilight was one of the earliest fandoms that was mostly AU fic, though. I mean, I would propose that. I don't think I ever saw a fandom that was mostly AU fanfic before Twilight. I did read Twilight fic, by the way, I'm not ashamed to admit it. I'm not a huge Twilight fan, but it was everywhere.

ELM:: You wrote your master's thesis on Twilight, I think you're a huge fan.

FK: No...I didn't write it on Twilight, I wrote it on Twilight fans.

ELM:: Wasn't it also Twilight anti-fans?

FK: Yeah. Twilight anti-fans. [all laugh]

ELM:: Sorry. I twisted that deliberately. I apologies.

FK: In an ONTD community called ONTD_Twatlight. But anyway.

ELM:: I'm glad that MIT gave you a degree for that. Delightful. Really good. Yeah, I mean, if you wanna talk about Fifty Shades we can, I was gonna talk about whether Any Two Guys is problematic.

MLD:: [laughing] Two roads diverge, et cetera, et cetera.

FK: This is how our roads ALWAYS diverge. Elizabeth is like, "but is it problematic?" and I'm like "but did it make a lot of money?"

ELM:: Those are the questions?! Are those the questions right now?

FK: Not really the question! Well, it is a little bit the question though. This is a little related. Is Any Two Guys problematic, but also don't Any Two Guys fics where you file off the serial numbers lead us into that monetization of fandom question.

ELM:: That is a connection you can make between those two things. But I don't know if that's the problematic element of it. I think that the problems there are this kind of idea of it beyond fanfiction, slotting in and out of all the issues that surround slash. Whether it's systemic bias and racism or fetishization or etc etc. I think all of that comes into focus when you have this idea that all you need to do is slap two names onto a male/male romance and then people will say "fine with me!" You know? Isn't that just a full expression of all of those issues?

FK: But why is that much different than...I think there are many het romance fics, like Fifty Shades, where it could be any two people. Is it different, materially, from that? I know it is because there's issues around male/male romance, but...

ELM:: So then any two man and woman... [laughing] I don't know what the phrase would be.

FK: Any two hets?

ELM:: Any two hets! Any two straights. Well, we don't know if they're straight or het, that's true. I was trying to go with just their sex to start. Is that a space of diversity? Or do you often find the same sorts of bodies being interchanged? Slapping the same sorts of names onto the same two man and woman? Same single man and single woman. [laughing] Same two men and women would be much more fun. Quads all over. Do we call them quads?

MLD:: This is just taking a turn!

FK: Doesn't this get us back to the fact that...I think it is, and I think one of the ways we know that is looking at Sleepy Hollow, with an African American female lead and the fights people had about allowing her to have romance, right? And right now in the het romance world there's a huge, huge, huge racism fight going on. For people who don't follow this world, historically lines of romance novels have been segregated, yes segregated like it is the Jim Crow south because people are disgusting and this has continued to exist into literally 2000. Sometimes literally today!

ELM:: Wasn't the recent controversy because someone had crunched the numbers because one of the big prizes in the romance world, was it no black characters?

FK: I believe it was writer but that was only one...there was a thing about the RITAs, which there's multiple categories and there have been multiple characters nominated in different categories...but...weirdly? If I recall correctly? Which probably I don't because I'm not looking at the thing right now and there were so many issues that got wrapped up in each other too. This year there was a woman who was nominated for prizes and got...she was black and got no support at all from her publisher whereas all the white authors did. Very blatant racism going on throughout this.

So I'm just saying, I think it's broader than a slash issue. For once it's not just the slashers! It's everyone! We're all horrible racists!

ELM:: Sorry, I always claim slash first. You know. Trying to claim responsibility.

FK: Any Two Guys, people also have a term for that and people don't use that term for het romance. I'm not sure why.

MLD:: Maybe it's just that there's something very obvious about it when there's two men and it's the same!

ELM:: The dark haired one and the light haired one. [all laugh]

MLD:: It becomes very clear in a way where maybe it's also the tradition of het romance looking like that has gone on for a very very very long time. Whereas male/male romance being a thing in this thing is obviously quite recent. So there's probably...I'm completely thinking out loud right now! But there's probably more discourse like this because it's being invented in this way over the past many years in real time and we're seeing it.

FK: That makes perfect sense. When I think about it, there's all these terms in the romance space, not necessarily in the fanfic space. He's another alpha hero, he's another...there's all these terms for categories of types of characters, stock characters.

ELM:: Tell me some more of the romance words. Alpha hero?

FK: Yeah! If he's an alpha, he's masterful! He's commanding! And many people don't like him because he tends to kiss you against your will! [all chortle]

ELM:: He sounds very problematic!

FK: It's slightly dubcony but it's okay! [all still laughing] And this is a type! You read romance and you're like, yup, that dude. There he is. People subvert it, most of the time people subvert it now, it's not super popular. But it's a thing, there's all these tropes. I guess you're right. I don't know enough about the male/male romance space but I assume they're developing but it's a larger portion of the market.

MLD:: Also there's academic books I was using in grad school last year tying the het romance novels to Jane Austen and the entire history of romance as a genre. This is not something romance publishers made up in the 50s or 60s or whatever. This has gone on for a long time in the Western world with white people. Almost always been the leads in those stories. It's the cultural default mode, obviously, which of course people are now discussing aggressively a lot. But there's a lot of ground to make up from the early decades of the last millennium, right? [laughing]

ELM:: Whereas I think in slash also if you think about it in a sort of shortened time frame, and I just want to clarify that I think that there's obviously a lot of robust discourse in the male/male romance original, and some of it crosses over but some of it doesn't. And I think this Any Two Guys thing is specifically a fandom thing. This is specifically about AUs and shipping. AUs and shipping, two separate things intersecting. I don't wanna go too far into this.

FK: Well, I guess that is different, because...maybe it is to do also with queerphobia to some degree because I think there is an assumption that people who are shipping are interested in finding the ship, and they go looking for it, as opposed to "these two characters just seemed like they had..." I think people get very cynical about slashers in a way they're not as cynical about het shippers.

ELM:: That's interesting, wait, I wanna know more about this. Tell me.

FK: Maybe because het romance is so frequently canonical, or possibly canonical, or understood as potentially canonical.

ELM:: And the idea that there's a guy and a girl in this moviea nd they're probably going to get together, that kind of thing?

FK: Yeah, and I think that then there's not an assumption... "oh, you just went to this to find an object to cling to." No, of course, everybody does that. If it's het, it's assumed you're going to go find it, whereas slashers, you're just looking for something. You're reading too far into it and you're doing it for your own tastes, not for what's in the work.

ELM:: Hm. I love that you say "slashers." It makes me feel really old school. [MLD: laughs]

FK: Well, what else? "slash readers"? "people who enjoy male/male romance in fandom"?

ELM:: As you know, the kids don't use the term slash anymore! Yeah. Those relationshippers. That's right. On Wattpad they don't know those words.

MLD:: We're just all very old.

FK: They definitely know those words on Wattpad cause they also say "don't like don't read" as though it's nineteen ninety fuckin' nine!

ELM:: They say that? That's incredible! Those kids. Teens! Who are dumb. I'm glad we established that. I always try to support teens, but you're right, teens are dumb.

FK: I too did those things.

ELM:: Did anyone not?

FK: Everyone did. We all passed through this period of time.

ELM:: Dumb things you did. It's OK. I do dumb things now too, it's fine. We just do different some things.

MLD:: Exactly. Sort of aged into a new thing.

FK: I think we're going to have to wrap up fairly soon but before we do, we have talked almost not at all about canon divergent AUs or fusions or anything like that, so maybe we should [laughing] talk about that a little bit, guys?

ELM:: Canon divergent AUs, my favorite, actually one of my favorite things literally in all of fanfiction. Ironically, after disparaging the other kind for so long.

MLD:: Right, I love them. And I love fusion fics depending on what the fandom is so that's interesting.

ELM:: OK define fusion fic.

MLD:: The one that immediately springs to mind is His Dark Materials.

ELM:: OK. You know I've read a bunch of those about... daemon? You say dee-mon AUs? And I haven't read His Dark Materials. Very confusing to me.

FK: You would be really into His Dark Materials and should probably read it. I don't know if you'd love the writing but there's a lot of things in it...

MLD:: That shocks me.

FK: ...that I feel like you would be into. You should.

ELM:: My friend gave me his old copies because he works at Scholastic and so he got the new ones, just a few months ago, and they're on my shelf, I'm literally looking at them. The one thing that concerns me is I don't know if I wanna read novels with the perspective of smug atheism, and that's how they've been described to me, so you can disabuse me of this impression.

FK: I did not find them that bad. He is that bad, but I did not find them that bad.

ELM:: Great!

MLD:: I don't feel that they read that way, but.

ELM:: Great! That's two. Alright.

FK: He is that bad but I don't think these novels are that bad.

ELM:: Actually I just heard him on the radio recently and it seems like he's not that bad anymore.

FK: Well, he went through a period.

ELM:: He said he's come to see that you can be dogmatic about anything, even non-belief, and I was like good. Call Richard Dawkins, he must know.

MLD:: He was extremely charming at the reading I went to when I was nine years old. He was very nice to all of us and very funny. So I am a partisan. Those were my favorite books when I was nine, so.

FK: It's funny that you say this though because to me fusion fics are almost like the other kind of AU. It's almost like, great, you found another setting, another thing to fuse into this. It's almost like a setting. But canon divergence is different, because it's almost like you've got all fanfic on a spectrum from "this is mildly canon divergent because it happens in the future, we don't have next season so we're writing it now," to the very canon divergent, Sirius didn't go to...

ELM:: Where you make a very deliberate turn.

FK: Sirius didn't go to prison and therefore everything in the Harry Potter books is different, and everything is really different.

ELM:: A literal turn. Maybe he turned in the opposite direction and that was the butterfly, you know? There's definitely stories like that. [all laugh]

FK: Absolutely. But they're all on this spectrum. All fanfic is canon divergent at some point, and is therefore kind of AU, even if it's just a fill in fic.

ELM:: You wouldn't want fic if it wasn't canon divergent. But I think the difference is usually if it says it's canon divergent, that usually means it's that kind of deliberate choice. Right? So...or alternate meetings, or fix-its, or any of these things. This is some of my favorite stuff about fanfiction!

FK: It seems to me almost like the canon divergent, when it's being chosen intentionally, plays a similar role to the kind of AU when you put them in a different situation so there can be heightened or lowered stakes, so you're almost revealing something about canon by changing something in it, right? If I change this one thing in canon, we see how much else changed.

ELM:: I don't think it necessarily lowers stakes...

FK: Oh I didn't mean that, I just meant lowering the stakes can be one way to...it's almost like changing one thing in canon. If you lower the stakes, you're changing one thing about canon and keeping everything else the same and you see something more clearly, right?

ELM:: Hmm. Hmmmmm.

FK: If you change something in the plot...

[all] HMMMMM.

ELM:: I'm thinking right now!

FK: It's the same butterfly effect idea, potentially.

ELM:: But now I'm struggling to think of any other kind of fic [laughing] there's something, I enjoy the kind that follows the canonical time frame, say, of the length of a movie, and pulls back a curtain or shows what's happening to the characters in between the scenes, I enjoy that, but isn't...

FK: THEY'RE ALL AUS UNDER THE SKIN. [all laugh]

ELM:: Yeah, if it wasn't in some way an...but this is the thing, maybe we shouldn't be turning around the term AU so lightly, AU means alternate universe, right? What is fanfiction? What is the nature of fanfiction?

[all talking over each other awhile]

FK: But in an alternate universe, in a world about alternate universes, if you're reading alternate universe fiction, some of them are very mildly different! Isn't there that theory that in every other alternate universe you died in every millisecond from a different thing? There's millions of alternate universes that are exactly like this one except that you died in a different millisecond in each of them, if there's truly infinite alternate universes out there?

ELM:: Is this what physicists do with their spare time?

FK: When they're high. [laughing]

ELM:: You know, whenever I talk to physicists and I'm like "really, really?" it's always something like this. I'm like, this counts as science?! Shouldn't you be measuring something? In a test tube?

FK: Measuring the numbers of horrible ways you could die in any millisecond!

ELM:: That's just a fun theory! I just don't...if we have any physicists listening to this they should write in and defend to me theoretical physics [MLB is dying in the background] It just sounds to me like they have fun imaginations and good vocabulary and they were in school for like eight years. I'll contact my physics friends and ask. Yeah. I don't know.

FK: I feel like this may be just where we came to at the end of this episode, Elizabeth. It may be that it's all, it was all an AU.

ELM:: Do you think there's...how many seconds. 60 times 60. 3600 alternate universes of this episode where every second a new episode spun out into a different direction?

FK: Yes. That's how many ideas about what alternate universes are work. That's how they work.

ELM:: We didn't even get to talk about soulmate AUs. [FK sighs happily]

MLD:: That's good because I don't have good thoughts about those, so...

ELM:: I know and that would be a point of discourse. Flourish loves them, obviously.

FK: I love them, obviously.

ELM:: She swooned. Cause she loves forced marriages.

FK: I do.

ELM:: She loves when agency is removed.

FK: I love it.

ELM:: Morgan and I are on the same page of almost everything here.

MLD:: [laughing] We're just on the same X-men plane right now and that's synced our brains up.

FK: I also feel like there are situations in which I would not like a soulmate AU, it's just that coming out of One Direction fanfic the only kind of good AU in it is soulmate AUs that are very canonical except for the soulmate thing. So. I think I've been destroyed by that.

ELM:: If it's your favorite trope that's fine but you also love arranged marriages and things like that so...

FK: Yeah they're interesting it's true.

ELM:: You like the lack of agency and having to work within it.

FK: That's true. That is accurate.

ELM:: I'm gonna psychoanalyze you now. Whereas Morgan and I like people being douchebags to each other. [everyone laughs]

MLD:: That's my preference!

FK: Well OK so things we've learned: everything is an AU, there are two choices, you can like people being douchebags or you can want to have agency taken away from people... [all laugh] Why not both?! is a question.

ELM:: OH NO. Where they have it written on their hands but then they just shout at each other the entire time? I could write that. I could write that one very easily for you.

FK: Yes. And everyone was an idiot when they were a teenager and that's OK. And teenagers are being idiots right now. That's it. That's our takeaways.

MLD:: I think that's a great set of takeaways [all laughing] We've solved the question!

FK: In some other alternate universe, this was a different way but this is how it went in this universe.

ELM:: That's right. Alright. We'll write it differently next time. [all laughing]

FK: Thank you so much for coming on Morgan, this was amazing.

MLD:: Thank you so much for having me, this was so much fun!

[Interstitial music by Jahzzar]

FK: OK I think that was more laughs per minute than any interview we've ever done.

ELM:: Good times. [laughing] And it's not just because, full disclosure, we recorded that a few days ago, I was at the height of a cold then, which I still have remnants of, and I was drinking scotch.

FK: And Dayquil!

ELM:: No! No. I had the Dayquil many hours earlier, you should not combine them. Top tip. Don't combine alcohol and any 'quil because it has acetominophen.

FK: I love that you call them a 'quil.

ELM:: Yeah they're 'quils. But here's what I'm gonna admit to right now because it's been a few days.

FK: OK...

ELM:: In the intervening five days since we recorded that...

FK: Oh no.

ELM:: I read and loved a high school AU. [FK gasps, ELM: laughs]

FK: Wooooooooah. I am, I don't know what to say! First of all we're gonna put it in the show notes and I need to read it and find out if I agree with you or not. That was actually one of the things I really liked about this interview was I felt like Morgan was great but also I disagreed with her fundamentally on some basic things and yet it was great. Anyway. I wanna find out if I disagree with you on this!

ELM:: Disagree? I mean like...

FK: I mean, whatever, if I don't like it...I guess I can't say that. That would be mean. I'll read it but I'm sure I'll love it.

ELM:: Did you, we didn't actually discuss this in the conversation but did you read the Rageprufrock fic that I sent you? That I think is my favorite probably in the X-men fandom? Limited Release.

FK: Yes.

ELM:: Did you like that?

FK: I read it. Yes.

ELM:: This hits a lot of the same notes.

FK: OK. I mean it wasn't, I will say I liked it, it was not my favorite fic that I have ever read, but I really enjoyed it.

ELM:: It didn't have to be your favorite fic ever...

FK: I don't mean to be an asshole, it's just sometimes you read a fic and you're like THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS.

ELM:: Yeah. I love that story. So this hit a lot of similar notes. And I don't know that I would say that the teens...do they act like real teens? Unclear.

FK: You may not care.

ELM:: Do I care? They didn't act like 90210 characters.

FK: I certainly don't care. I like Riverdale.

ELM:: Yes. The name of the story I believe it was "If You Liked The Book You'll Hate The Movie." So we'll put that in the show notes and people can see. It's about mental illness.

FK: OK!

ELM:: And about how no one ever gets better.

FK: That's true. Sort of.

ELM:: [laughs] Good! Good.

FK: We also had one thing that we didn't get to in our interview, which is that we got an ask from dzamieponders. "jamieponders" maybe? Not sure how to say their name. "Dz" is sometimes said like a J? So it could be Jamie? The ask is this. What do you think of the theory that fanworks often rely on significantly changing the plot, characters, and/or setting (but usually not all three),a nd that how much each fandom c hanges each thing can tell you about the fandom itself? Like, coffeeshop AUs change plot and setting but not characters, side character perspective stuff changes character but not plot or setting, and other species!character fics, I guess like mermaid fics or centaurification or something, change setting but not plot or characters. That's the ask. And we didn't get to it.

ELM:: We did not get to it. I don't necessarily disagree with this but I think it may be a little...I don't think it's as simple as that? I am intrigued by the idea of, and I think we touched on this many a time in this conversation, about why certain fandoms can lend themselves to this and not necessarily for everyone. Like what you were talking about with Star Wars and what you think is a really peak ripe for AU land Morgan was like absolutely not.

FK: [laughs] Other people also, clearly there's a deep divide in this because everybody it seems like has one of the two responses. When I wrote about Reylo and when we had the Problem of Reylo episode, it's really interesting. It's so divisive. I wonder if everything else is like that too. I wonder if X-men is like that, it's just that all the people we know love the AUs.

ELM:: I don't think there's any way that's possible. Just if you actually look at the numbers on AO3.

FK: Yeah but if you look at the numbers on AO3 of Reylo there's so many AUs too, right?

ELM:: Look, I've been deep in the Archive.

FK: I don't mean to challenge your knowledge. I am sure that you are correct. I think you really are.

ELM:: It just also, it's like, I don't think it's just what has been kudosed to the top, it really does seem like...and actually a lot of the writers I've been encountering I've read in other fandoms too. A lot of good... that sounds shitty to say. "All the good writers are writing AUs!" or whatever. But it does seem like that was, and I'm sure people who were in that fandom at the time these stories were being written could speak more to these conversations. But I have to wonder, I think it's probably reading too much into saying that what the choices around these shifting plot/setting/character questions say much about the fandom itself. I feel like it's somewhat of an individual thing.

FK: I don't know, I think there is something to be said for there almost being different communities of writers being interested in different things, especially if you get a big enough fandom. In Harry Potter there's huge communities of people who write certain types of fics that I would basically never read. People who are writing not just self-inserts but also things that hew very closely to the story of the books, that are continuing the story in ways that are very canon-compliant, and a lot of those people seem to be interested in things about the world, worldbuilding details and all this stuff, in ways that are different fundamentally than people writing a coffeeshop AU where the focus is on the characters. And there's some fandoms I find that are like this too. There are some fandoms where the stories are interested in different kinds of things. In general. Most people's stories. So I don't disagree with this, I just don't know how to quantify that.

ELM:: Yeah, but I also do think there's something...character is a tricky thing and it's a lot harder to pin down than plot and setting. It's very easy to say if the plot diverges from what happens in the canon, and I think at the heart of a lot of my critiques of a lot of AU culture is that from what I've read in the past there are times when I'm like "what is character anymore?" This feels so distant, this doesn't seem...the character can be internally consistent to the story, and still feel like an utterly different character. To the point where it's different than if I take Harry Potter and I stick him in a different situation, obviously he's going to say different things than the things he said in the book. But fundamentally if I can deconstruct his character I should be able to write that situation, right?

FK: I agree with you, and I think that the idea that...coffeeshop AUs change plot and setting, but not characters, well, bringing it back to my current pet fandom, when I think about even the Reylo AUs that I've enjoyed a great deal, part of the point is that they change the character, I think. The Kylo Ren in these books is not a mass murderer. That's part of the point.

ELM:: But that's action, that's not necessarily character, right? That's, I mean, what is character then?

FK: He doesn't have the opportunity, he's not in a setting where he's a force master, therefore he doesn't do it, maybe.

ELM:: Is he a petulant child in all of them? Then that's still canonical.

FK: He is a petulant child in all of them. But I do think there's something, there's a question about how much does your action make up your character. I think there is something fundamental about the actions that we take, even though they're impacted by circumstance.

ELM:: Oh a thousand percent! Obviously I've been thinking about this a lot when you have a canon where one of the characters does wind up murdering a lot of people but he's also the victim of explicit torture in a concentration camp, you know? Trigger warning, that's a little...

FK: Not to mention that he's half of your ship. [laughing]

ELM:: No but that's part of it! And it's interesting to see the good AUs find other, if it's moved into modern era, need to find another way to make him...you can't just say "he's grumpy." [laughs] Almost always there's some other kind of trauma and not in a way that excuses any of the behavior, but because it's so intrinsically wrapped up in what a character is...

FK: Otherwise the character isn't coherent. People aren't just like that unless...you know?

ELM:: Well it might be. Some people are tempermentally quite grumpy. But it does feel like, what is this character when you take away the circumstances? It's easy to see in an X-men story because it's very blunt circumstances. But it's a little harder to see when it's something less traumatic, I think.

FK: Yeah. I agree.

ELM:: So it's hard.

FK: Alright, well, I think that was a great ask. Thank you, dzamie or jamieponders or however your name is said and I'm really sorry that we've destroyed it.

ELM:: So, I think that's it for AUs! I'm probably gonna, after we wrap up, gonna go read some more. But I'm curious to know people's thoughts.

FK: Yeah! I look forward to hearing from people on this as well, and it's very easy to send us your thoughts! You can email us, fansplaining@gmail.com, our website fansplaining.com is a Tumblr, the askbox is on, and so is anon, please don't be a jerk. You can send us fanmail but please don't, because that's...I don't know. You can.

ELM:: You can, it's a hard...it's a hard thing to respond to.

FK: It's a hard medium because it's...

ELM:: Tumblr's fanmail feature, if you're not familiar. Don't be familiar with it if you're not familiar.

FK: Send us an email instead.

ELM:: An email will do it. You can also send an ask, and if you want to use your username but you don't want us to reply just say so in the ask. Say just respond privately please. We'll obviously always respect that.

FK: We've also got Twitter, @fansplaining on Twitter, we've also got Facebook if you really feel the need to communicate in that fashion then I guess you can, that's also @fansplaining, and as always, a really good way to support us is to pledge to our Patreon which is at patreon.com/fansplaining, we are very soon going to have a tiny zine for you!

ELM:: Very soon.

FK: So get in your pledge now and get access to all kinds of special episodes, tiny zine, lots of stuff. Please enjoy it.

ELM:: That's right and if you do not have any cash right now you could also, or if you have cash! This isn't just for people with no cash. You could leave us a review and a rating on iTunes. That really helps other people find us. Yeah! Or share us with your friends.

FK: All right! I think that's it.

ELM:: I'm literally gonna go read an AU right now.

FK: OK go enjoy your AU.

ELM:: Flourish, I read a story...

FK: I will talk to you later, Elizabeth! [all laugh]

[Outro music, thank yous and disclaimers]

[trebaolsmovingcastle]

@saint-just replied to your post: “Are we all gonna die?”

(A) You’ve lumped automation in with  fiercely negative things like climate problems and doom-war. Why? (B) “A minority of people hijacked the country and do evil with it, and somehow it means that it’s all over.” - Are you referring to when a minority of evil people birthed the country then stayed on top, or are we to believe contemporary developments are a significant departure from the norm? When you say “it’s all over”, is the “it” this country? Would that even be bad?

S’alright, so there’s definitely a lot to unpack here and go through. First let me just say that the post in question isn’t a carefully crafted paean or anything, I got an anonymous ask, which got me thinking and I tend to extemporize as I go...which in turn made it a paean to hope of sorts. So I hope you’ll cut me a little slack on certain flourishes, or at the very least on not bogging myself down in some serious semantics.

That aside, let’s take a look at my concerns about automation, mind you I’ve been reading on this topic for the last five years mostly, and I’m not an academic. So I wasn’t smart enough to make a refined list of resources I can constantly drag up or refer back to when I need to reference specific numbers. That’s my fault, I just accrue information and create a holistic image of outcomes.

Also, Saint-Just, I’ll go on at length, which I think won’t bother you, so everyone else feel free to skip all of this.

At face value automation is a savior, imagine, all these jobs, roles, systems suddenly handed off uniformly to AI’s robots, machines, systems that take the human element out of the equation. It’s star trek, it’s the replicator in a way. 3D printers making houses for next to nothing, no more miserable truck drivers pulling dangerous all nighters because the freight industry is automated. no more low wage jobs, they’re all done by the push of a button. Even the white collar jobs, and medical jobs all vanish far enough down the automation line. If you can teach a robotic arm to prepare a meal, you can teach similar arms and AI’s how to close a bleeding heart valve or excise a tumor with more precision than any human surgeon. You can have your markets rise and fall at speeds completely unimaginable as processors crunch numbers and make trades at speeds that we’re basically already at.

Now, this seems all great, when I lived in Seattle I had a friend who worked at Amazon, he was obsessed with automation and the golden future it would create, he also supported a universal basic income. He believed that tech giants would pioneer the way in pushing for a UBI, that automation would render industries nonexistent, and that the capital would get picked up by either the government or that these companies themselves would willingly just hand the money to the public, providing everyone a livable income without the need for work.

The problem is that there is virtually no evidence that any corporation or business entity is likely to start handing off profits to the public for free. Nor is there evidence that the tech field is somehow immune to the corrupting influence of capitalism and for profit enterprise. 

So what seems more likely is that you’ll have industries disappear, even now you can see automation taking over a variety of industries, open a factory that used to employ 5,000 union workers, now you can open that same factory and staff it with a skeleton crew of tech savvy workers who can perform maintenance of the new robotic workers. Meaning rural communities that formerly would depend on these types of jobs can just keep waiting, because their town can’t be saved by a factory with 25 jobs for people with coding skills.

Even looking at analysis made by I think the Bureau of Labor Statistics creates this uniquely grim image. In essence they’ll go through industries and provide long term career analysis for various fields, including factors that could impact the industry in question and how competitive the work environment is for new workers. Anyway, these analyses paint a rosier picture than most, but still list automation as a major threat to a number of fields.

So you have a variety of low paying jobs disappearing from the economy, especially in service jobs, creating more and more underemployment, and stiffer and stiffer competition for these low wage jobs. As a side note consider how many retirement age americans are now expecting to work until they die. So now add in over the years all the competition created by this gradually increasing group of workers. Suddenly we have this extremely broad category of low income, or no income people, uneducated for the new automated economy, without resources to join the existing workforce. You and I know that there is no social mobility now, and that whatever income bracket your parents inhabited is now less likely to be the bracket you will occupy.

Okay, so now we’re setting a stage where you have broad automation cutting a swathe through the jobs held by the 50% of American households that are under the poverty line, then you have automation also hitting at white collar and traditionally upper class jobs. All of this we have to assume will happen without Federal assistance for the working poor, or means to support this growing mass of people unable to find jobs.

As a class, we workers in a capitalist system only have one single way to really enforce our survival and protection...strikes, attacks on production at our jobs. When you eliminate the working class, as automation does, you lose your voice, you lose the only tactic you had within the existing system to demand change, protection, recompense, anything. You’re no longer a part of the system because the system doesn’t need you. For future generations consider trying to plan a college education around what kind of career you’ll need to be in at 40...when you’re 20. We’re already sold the lie of college as an answer to security, I was told at 10 to plan for my 50′s by picking a stable job I could retire with. By the time I entered the workforce the notion of a company keeping you to retirement no longer existed for most workers. As automation comes for some industries there will be a proliferation of jobs in that industry as you can have more people working in these fields as the cost of the fields drops, but that means that those jobs are generally part time and low paying. It has happened to paralegals for example, as well as bank tellers. Sure technology has caused these industries to balloon and meet a greater demand, but now the people in those fields are paid a pittance of what they used to. 

The one thing I didn’t go into at length in that post was that a lot of this all seems to be an area of concern for the decade of 2020-2030. Most fields concerned with the health of a society seem to have this notion that this coming decade is going to be a reckoning, that what is currently modest automation will balloon as the decade progresses, that the inequality we experience now will be enhanced, I imagine that a lot of the people singing praises about the ‘singularity’ ten years ago are now biting their nails as fascism comes back and the surveillance state entrenches itself ahead of all of the increasing economic inequality.

So although automation isn’t in and of itself bad, when handled by the same humans that brought us Google and Amazon...I’m concerned. We can’t depend on capitalism restructuring itself into a system that will care for the public and redefine what it means to work...we can’t hope for a UBI and careers in creative fields and just free cash to pay for the goods generated by an automated economy. We need to see this coming and be prepared for what looks like reality, a world where the jobs for the working classes disappear, with no retraining options, and few new jobs to fight over...jobs that likely will also face automation.

Alright, bear with me, Saint-Just, if you’ve come this far I appreciate that you care enough to go further.

On to the next bit. I need you to accept a series of ideas that may seem in some bizarre or contradictory or just...impossible to accept...but neo-liberalism isn’t ur-fascism and the harm done by one isn’t categorically identical to the other. Does this mean I want a neo-liberal President, a neo-liberal system? No, I want something altogether different, but when given the choice between the agony of millions, without relief, and a boot stomping on them for decades and at least limited option to resist and alter course, I’ll take the altered course.

When you allow fascism to truly take home in your political ecology you introduce the possibility that the softness of people’s resistance to evil will see people in camps in due time. We already have these problems with our government before Trump, but this is virtually asking for an authoritarian neo-feudalism to take over. How likely is a successful revolution against a government of that type? 

So to me, in this moment, the threat George Washington poses to the world is minimal, but the threat Donald Trump poses is more important. And when offered a choice between combative resistance to Clinton and Trump, I would choose Clinton because there’s at least a minimal chance that time, effort, and action would lead to change. Now we’re entering into a realm where information technology and the changing economy will truly render our ability to avert disaster moot. We’ll be against the wall when the fascist revolution comes, and despite the beauty of the White Roses stance wouldn’t you rather they never die along with all the Jews, homosexuals, romani, and other unwanted by the fascists of Germany?

The nation was founded by slavers and self interested businessmen, the nation is crowned with the genocide of the indigenous nations that came before, our national drink isn’t coca cola, it’s blood of everyone our forefathers executed to plant a homesteader in some prairie cabin, to suppress a vote, to sell cotton...both North and South. But right now, in this moment, I have more pressing concerns, the safety of people who aren’t me, the survival of people who aren’t me. When ICE is kicking in doors and baiting families by using their children...we have people suffering on a matter of societal semantics.

As for the ‘it’s all over’ go back and reread it with a question mark, that’s a typo on my part, it’s a rhetorical question. I’m making the case that simply because you have fascists at the gate doesn’t mean that they have to win.

That is what the post is about at heart, it’s what this is all about, that there are alternatives. I’ll still make a point to answer your understandable misread of my message, namely that it wouldn’t be bad if this ended. But you have to be prepared for what happens next. I can’t rail for revolution without conscience of what can happen. I can’t take a stance that says we need to tear it all down this moment, that you, or I, is able to do that. Because in this moment, with these resources, in this world...you most likely hand all the power you need to the people who have made this world categorically worse.

Revolutionary thought isn’t just about action, it’s about vision, goals, and again, as always, over and over, hope, love for mankind, even the people we loathe most. You can’t save everyone, you can’t win without some bloodshed...but you can’t throw it all away early because your ideology can’t accept the current reality. To me, now, in the coming years, all I can do is talk, write, engage with people, stand up and be counted as the counting comes. Resist tooth and nail against the worst of it, but I need to also consider who lives, who comes next, who will benefit. Revolutionaries are better alive and volunteering, helping the living who can’t themselves muster the energy to do more than nod along with a message of something better. Martyring for causes doesn’t bring us any closer to anything better, because the life lost was a life that missed all its future opportunities to enact change.

Look at your name! Look at beloved Robespierre! A slip...a momentary accident of exhaustion, of placement, a misstep, and suddenly the ideals of a transformed society dashed and instead you get Napoleon and two centuries of ‘Bloodthirsty’ Seafoam Incorruptible. Revolutions burn the revolutionaries like kindling, that is history on repeat, so take that and consider what can be done when revolutionary action is needed? That possibly instead of burning out before the job is done, we all try being the ones to decide what comes next. No empires, no neo-feudalism, no fascists, no new Bonapartes, Hitlers, Franco’s, Kim’s, or Jackson’s...that’s the goal, that’s the seemingly impossible demand put on true souls, to think, and plan, to resist, angry, ready, eager, but with the desire to pull as much of the people out of the fire as possible.

My sincere hope is that I can help, in some small fashion, as the times demand. I do not want to be at barricades or on tribunals, I don’t want to daydream about revolutionary councils, I want to dream that the institutions that corrupt this world are dismantled, that the poor don’t suffer, that the starving are fed, that the image of western civilization...white civilization are cast down and something better is achieved. That as needed I can talk my way through problems, that when needed I can go to the streets, that as things get worse my message doesn’t stop. I can’t dream about revolution because revolution is innocent blood heaped with the guiltys for little to no gain. I am not against these things, I am not against a coming change, but when you blow a society apart, you need to have thought about the timing. There is a right time. Right now...be these ideas, life, exist in the face of these awful things. Existing at all can be revolutionary. Being an image of what could be better in the world is more important now than stockpiling brickbats in hopes that tomorrow there will be a window to break.

Now, I do not mean to imply that you’re what I fear from revolutionary thinkers, I’m expressing what I’ve experienced in the past amongst a handful of people on the coast, that there’s this suicidal desire to martyr yourself for a cause, the cause becomes a bloodthirsty god that can only be satisfied by propaganda of the deed. The purpose of revolutionary ideas should be other people, the happiness, security, FUTURE, of other people. God, but a revolutionary should love, love adoringly the world, the suffering and misery of the world should hurt the revolutionary like seeing harm come to someone you care for, multiplied again and again. 

If the time came, for anyone, to rise up, to lead, to declare, to act...surely challenges, cruelty of the times, hardship, terror all would follow, but until then it is so important to focus on what is coming and what all of us are best at, what all of us can do when called upon. I will die, as will you, as will we all, but I must live so that should I die, I will have died unwaveringly standing in my convictions and hope for something better. Let me be of the immortal dead if it means the message of love, of the people, of something better for this dismal future is what gives me voice beyond the grave.

I hope I have been clear, I know I can be long winded, I’m better in person in almost all regards and easier to understand than in writing. I also hope that this satisfies you, that you understand my position better and can see what I mean in what I said before. That post was about hope, about encouraging hope in people who are too terrified of tomorrow to have hope. We need hope, we can’t despair the future because it needs us.

[melancholic-seas]

Fire and Failure | Sorrel | Re: Event, Sango, Chieko, Komaka

[TW: Eye trauma mention, Burns]

He should have moved faster. When she'd first stormed over to the bear, he should have moved faster, or held her tighter, or pulled her further away. Takara had almost defused the situation, but then... Sorrel can't let her go. He doesn't know exactly what Monokuma has planned, but he knows it won't be good, and Chieko is his friend, his sweet small gentle friend, and he's already lost one friend. He couldn't save Sutori. He isn't about to let go of Chieko.

The bear counts down. Sorrel tries to hold onto the squirming girl in his arms, then the explosion- noise, briefly deafening, heat, agony, Chieko is screaming, screaming...

Sorrel's grip slackens a bit without his input as the pain hits him like a freight truck. His left side feels like- well, like it was set on fire, like it's still on fire- and Chieko is still screaming. That means she's alive though, she's alive, she's... he shakily rolls off and tries to push himself up enough to look at her, and feels his heart stutter in his chest. Her face, her... her eye.

"No..." Sorrel's voice is a desperate whine, pained and frightened and young. He pushes himself up on his hands and knees, wincing and shifting his weight to his right side. For as severe as the burns look on his left it's kind of amazing he's moving at all, and yet as Sango rushes over to tend to Chieko he gets to his feet.

"Be... fine." He grinds the words out through gritted teeth. His left arm hangs at his side, twitching slightly, dripping blood. He'd failed. He hadn't held her tight enough, he hadn't protected her well enough, she'd been hurt... Sorrel flinches as Komaka appears with the burn gel, but he doesn't make any attempt to protest or fight her off. He struggles to take off his shirt as she instructs, letting out a low whine as the scorched cloth literally peels away from his burned flesh, and then he tosses the ruined garment to the floor. He lets her apply the gel to his left arm, the new burns obscuring many of the old scars, and to his side, but then steps away with a muttered, "Thanks." and limps over to where his coat had fallen from Takara's shoulders. He grabs it and comes back, dragging his left leg, and drops it over Chieko's lower half like a blanket, then half sits half collapses onto the floor next to her.

"...Ow." He says, in a rough, strained tone, followed by a few growled German expletives. This is the part where most people would be screaming or passing out, but Sorrel just looks disgruntled and stressed and pissed the hell off. There's... also a significant amount of worry there, as he watches Sango tend to Chieko. Somehow, probably due to the way he was curled up around her, the explosion had missed Sorrel's head and face. That's not a lot of consolation considering his left arm, shoulder, the side of his chest and hip, and a good section of his leg look like overcooked steak, but hey. At least his mun won't have to shell out for new sprites, the cheap bastard.

[tanya-sen-blog]

koi dil pe kabu kar gaya + aaranya au

general notes; meera and i suck and we love these two way too much for it to be healthy so we did a single dad au which is very loosely based off of baby daddy. nsfw 

Aarav didn't realize when he woke up that morning just how significant this day was going to be for him. It was a day that would end up defining the rest of his life, he just didn't know it. He'd gotten his morning coffee, and just about relaxed in front of the television to watch some lame morning show when the doorbell rang outside the apartment. Putting down the mug of coffee, he got up from the couch and made his way to the front door, grabbing a t-shirt and slipping it over his torso quickly. Rohan was probably still sound asleep considering how late he heard the other man come in. Yawning, Aarav opened the door and saw ​no one.​ He was about to shut the door when he heard a tiny cry. Looking down, he saw a bassinet with a little baby inside. "Whoa," Aarav backed away and frowned, wondering if this was one of those out of body dreams he was having. But the crying continued and people walking across the sidewalk were still staring at him and so he picked the bassinet up and just closed the door, completely unaware of what he should be doing now. That's when he picked up his phone and called the one person who was ​sensible​ enough to know how to deal with this, whatever ​​this​​ was.

Tanya turned over in her sleep again, smiling. ​I love you too Mrs. Roy​, a husky voice murmured into her ear and it was the harsh sound of a buzzer that shook Tanya. She felt around for it, glaring at the pillow for taking away her dream. Of course the sight of Aarav's name (with two hearts) flashing across her phone quickly took away that thought too. "Hello," she greeted, trying not to sound as breathless as she was. Why was he calling? Had he woken up this morning and finally realized that he'd always been in love with her? Had the fact that he hadn't spoken to her for nearly six months been long enough for an epiphany of his true feelings? Tanya's heart raced but somehow she knew that it would be none of those things. It ​never​ was.

Aarav had to prevent himself from fist pumping the air when he heard Tanya actually answer. He'd been ​so​ worried that the fact that he hadn't called her in six months would be reason enough for her not to answer him. "Thank god you answered Tanya," He closed his eyes, wincing when the little baby in the bassinet still continued the crying. "So um, how are you?" Aarav didn't really think it was possible but he used one hand to hold the bassinet while he balanced the phone with his other hand, amused at how holding the heavy thing was almost like lifting weights. "I'm sorry I never called--but can you like, ​tum yahaan aa sakhti ho?​ There's something going on and I need your advice." He knew it was a lot to ask of her but he also knew that Tanya Sen was the one person in the world he could go to for something like this and she'd never refuse him. Plus, waking Rohan up after his late night shift with a crying baby was sure to land him in some sort of problem.

Tanya shut her eyes when he mentioned the fact that they hadn't been talking. She wouldn't lie and say that it hadn't hurt, but it had. She had thought that he would at least call and ask about how she was doing; he hadn't asked if she was stressed about her LSATs; nor would ​she​ tell him that in her pencil case she had kept the photobooth strip of the two of them at that carnival during college. He of course looked gorgeous. When did he not?Tanya however looked chubby, just like she always did. To everyone, she was just Aarav's chubby friend - and to girls she was ​that bitch always with Aarav​. Well they'd get the shock of their life, if they saw her now. All of them would drop dead; or at least she hoped they would, considering she'd had her entire wardrobe tossed out and changed because she no longer fit into those clothes. "Yeah, I'll..." Tanya glanced at the clock, biting down on her bottom lip. If she got in the shower now, she could be there in, "Fifteen! I'll be there in fifteen." Pause. She looked through her closet, wondering why she was even stressing so much about what she was going to wear? It's not like Aarav was ever going to care. "Hey, you still-- you still live in the same place right?"

Aarav had always said that Tanya was his best friend, sure Rohan got really annoyed about that every so often but it was the truth. Rohan was his best friend who was there for all the fun stupid moments, but Tanya had been the one who had held his hand when he'd found out about his parent's getting divorced. Rohan was the one he got smashed with, while Tanya had been the one he'd taken to help him pick out his interiors for the home he was sharing with Rohan. He knew Tanya was probably upset that Aarav had basically disappeared from her life for so long, but he knew how she got when she needed to study and so he'd just backed away from her life for a little while. But the ​little while​ had turned into a lot longer than he expected. When he heard her words, though, he smiled and nodded. "Yeah, the same old place. Can't wait to see you," he added before looking down at the baby who seemed to be calming down considerably. As soon as they ended the call, though, he looked down at the baby and saw something he hadn't noticed before. There was an envelope there right behind the baby's head and he knew it would help him understand everything. He took the letter out of the envelope and scanned through it before he dropped it. ​This​ was ​​his​​ daughter?! Aarav Roy--had a daughter, and now he was completely bewildered as to how he was supposed to deal with this whole thing. The letter told him everything he needed to know about his daughter but didn't give the mother's name. It told him that he was now entirely responsible for his daughter and so now he'd had no choice but to live up to that responsibility.

Tanya groaned, pulling off her clothes and tossing them on the bed once more. Of course if Tanya Sen spared a look to the bed, she would have realized that it looked like a hurricane had passed through it. Eventually Tanya decided on a black crop top, pairing it with a long skirt. Perhaps she chose it because she had just recently bought it, the tags from the store discarded in the waste bin. Perhaps it was because of how elegant and sophisticated and 'lawyer-like' she looked. Or maybe it was because it was the perfect outfit to showcase the weight loss that Tanya had forced herself under for the past six months. Exhaling shakily, Tanya knocked on Aarav's door, her heart racing in her chest.

Aarav had been on the couch reading the entire letter, surprised at how it made him feel. He felt like an asshole who'd completely screwed over some woman and made her end up with a baby. The very same baby who ended up in his arms now. She was very cute, that much as true but it still had him wondering how exactly he was going to deal with this? Oh ​and​ how was Rohan going to react? So by the end of it when he heard the quiet knock, he ended up throwing open the door, his eyes flitting between the door and the baby in the bassinet on the floor. But when he threw the door open--he was stunned. ​​This​​ was Tanya? She'd almost undergone an entire makeover or something. She looked stunning, and so unlike herself. She must've lost loads of weight and was dressing like she owned it now. "You're here! And you--​wow.​" He tugged her into him, arms circling around her completely, loving how comforting and familiar her hugs still felt. "God, I haven't seen you in ​so​ long." He smiled before leading her in and guiding her right in front of the baby who was looking up at Tanya with a faint smile. "So--um, ​surprise?​"

Tanya was definitely ​not​ and she had ​not​ inhaled deeply when Aarav had pulled her in for a hug so she could smell him (he still smelled the same). She gave a nervous chuckle at how he seemed floored at the sight of her and yet Raina's (her best friend and incidentally trainer) words rang in her mind: ​if he's suddenly into you after the weight loss, then he's not worth it​. Opening her mouth to speak, she felt all her words leave her when they stopped in front of the baby. "Who's this? Are you babysi--" Tanya cut herself off; the baby had Aarav's eyes: the same dark brown of Bournvita powder that Tanya had been in love with since high school. The realization brought with it a screeching freight train that slammed into her. It was as if the world was giving her a giant slap in the face, telling her that she and Aarav could never be together, no matter what she did. Tanya exhaled, running her hand through her hair. "So uh," she stuttered, trying to find her words, "how did this-- how did this happen again?"

Aarav held her hand very tightly in his hand watching her take in the baby. She was the most perceptive woman he knew and this moment again just proved it. He could almost ​see​ her putting it all together and waited for her to react. "Again? What--again? You mean it's happened before?" That's when he realized she didn't mean it was ​that​ way. With a sigh, he took the hand he was holding and led her towards the couch, before making sure he could still keep an eye on the baby that he'd yet to name. The letter hadn't stated a name and so Aarav knew sooner or later he'd have to give her one. "This morning, there was a doorbell, and she just, she was right there on the doorstep," Aarav handed Tanya the letter he'd recently discovered, praying she'd maybe find a way to help him through the situation. Maybe ​lawyer​ her way out of this entire thing.

Tanya allowed Aarav to lead her to the couch where this famed letter was and that was when Tanya had another revelation: she would still follow this boy the ends of the earth. Furrowing her eyebrows at his words, Tanya only pursed her lips choosing rather to read through the letter. Each word she read was like a knife to her heart; he was still the same Aarav. The one who fell too quickly and fell out of love even quicker. To him, no matter what she did - Tanya would always just be the best friend, the shoulder to lean on. She cleared her throat, placing the letter back on the table. "If the-- the..." Tanya struggled, not wanting to admit that Aarav was a father. "If the mother had sent papers relinquishing her rights, you could have put her up for adoption." Tanya exhaled shakily, her heartbeat ragged. "But since she hasn't, you're the father."

Aarav didn't know how to explain it, but when he was thinking he was the father of this baby--it didn't feel quite so real. But the moment, Tanya murmured those words to him, he'd felt blown. He was the father of this baby girl. "​Main kaise--​how am I supposed to be a father?" But even the alternate in this situation was unimaginable. He couldn't put this little baby girl up for adoption. None of this was her fault. Aarav closed his eyes and let his head fall against the couch, this time letting his true emotion pour out. "How am I supposed to do this on my own? I don't even know the first thing about being a father.." but before he realized what he was doing--he paused and stared at her. Here he was, completely hijacking the conversation. "But wait--we'll deal with what's going to be the rest of my future later. You were studying for the LSAT's and now look at you, tell me what's been happening in the last little while?" Aarav was still plagued with thoughts of his impending future, but he didn't want to be an asshole with his best friend.

Tanya let her hand reach out for him, resting her hand on top of his own in the middle of the couch and intertwining their fingers as she moved a little closer to him. Her heart fluttered then, the butterflies in her stomach launching into a well rehearsed ballet routine, and Tanya could only hope her voice was neither pitchy nor breathy. "You will, you'll make a great dad. ​Koi seekh ke nahin aata ki acha papa kya hota hai.​ You'll learn, I promise. I believe in you Aarav Roy." She ignored his question about her. Tanya had been doing the same thing she'd ever been doing: trying to go through life and pining after Aarav. Of course she'd lost all this weight for him, not that he would ever care - it was why she'd rather let it bury in quicksand.

Aarav looked at her, peeking open his eyes with a soft smile before looking down at their hands, not noting when she shuffled a bit closer to him. There was something so entirely normal about being with Tanya, no matter what the situation happened to be. At her words, though, he felt his heart beat a little easily. He could do this. He had to be able to do this. But the truth was, he was petrified. He worked extremely long hours, sometimes from home yes, but sometimes from his office and with Rohan's schedule being completely unconventional, how was a baby going to work into the mix? "How? How am I supposed to do this?" He frowned before shrugging. "I know it's stupid because I don't know this baby, but she's my daughter right? I have to be someone she can depend on but look at me, I can barely depend on myself. ​Main khud toh tere pe depend karta hoon.​" A very ​unrealistic​ idea came to him then, one he was sure he couldn't say to Tanya and so he still kept it to himself, wondering why she'd not said anything about herself. "Well? Tell me, am I finally one of those guys who's got a lawyer on his speed dial?"

Tanya shook her head, her thumb gently running circles into the skin between his thumb and forefinger. "Aarav trust me, when you have a baby, everything falls into place itself because you look at that child and you realize you'd do anything... To keep them safe, to love them." Her breath caught in her throat when he mentioned depending on her and she looked down, her cheeks flushing a dark pink. Unfortunately, that was all she'd ever be to him. Just someone to depend on, his best friend Tanya who was no longer chubby. She laughed before shrugging. "You always had me on speed dial. ​Job change ho gayi, ladki toh main woh hi hoon na? Tumhari ​best friend​​?" Tanya forced those last two words out; they burned her tongue and scorched at her heart but it would do her good to remember her place in his lifez

Aarav wanted to trust her words and a part of him did but he was also extremely scared. It was different when you ventured into something new when you had a seasoned pro with you, watching your every step but this--was like diving off a waterfall into ice cold water ​​with​​ a baby! He could absolutely NOT do this. "I do want to keep her safe, but ​usse pehle​ maybe we should name her. It doesn't have any name in the letter so, I don't want to just keep saying ​she​ and ​the baby.​" He looked to Tanya for help before noting how she'd laughed all cutely when he'd made the joke about her being a lawyer now. "Well, of course, I know that, but now I can do my illicit activities with the confidence that you'll be there to bail me out na?" He was kidding, he didn't have any illicit activities, he just liked saying it, and seeing that adorable little-shocked face on her. Her eyes would get wide, and her tiny mouth would drop slightly, making him laugh a little bit harder.

Tanya felt her jaw drop to form a perfect little 'o' and her eyes widened at his words. She reached for the nearest cushion before whacking him on the shoulder with it. "Oh yeah? I'm sure the most illegal thing you've done is public urination Aarav. ​Banta bahut hai but hai toh tu phattu​." God she hated this, hated how easy it was to fall into her pattern with Aarav Roy and like a fool, Tanya would only fall deeper in love with him. She sighed before getting off the couch and over to where the baby was, slowly taking her in her own arms, rocking her gently. "Hey baby," she whispered, flicking her tiny nose and smiling when the baby cooed. "Aren't you the most beautiful little girl in the world? You've got your ​baba's​ eyes, that's for sure," Tanya whispered to the little one before nodding at Aarav. "Come on ​baba​, take her."

Aarav pursed his lips at her words before shaking his head. "Haven't even done ​that!​ Really, you're confusing me with Rohan." He chuckled the thought of her reaction before taking that same cushion from her and whacking her lightly. "​Main koi phattu nahi hoon.​ I'm, wait--what did you call me in school? Right! ​Dil phek aashiq,​ that's what I am." Proud of his answer, he was about to ask her if she thought he should hire a caregiver or if she'd agree to help him out but before he could, he watched in surprise as she bent down to pick up his little daughter. A strange surge of pride flew through him while he heard her words and caught her expressions. But when she held her out in front of Aarav, his fear was back. "What if I drop her?"

Tanya could feel the corner of her lip threatening to upturn but forced her lips into a straight line; she would ​not​ laugh. No matter how cute Aarav looked: clueless and scared. "She's just a baby Aarav, she's not a grenade." Tanya's breath caught in her throat when those sparkling brown eyes looked up at her, chubby fingers clutching at her hair. A shot of pain rain through her head, the baby tugging on the strand of hair. Slowly detangling her hair from the child's grip, Tanya nodded for Aarav to open his arms and she slowly placed the baby in his arms, moving her closer to his chest. "You won't drop her," she reassured before turning away. She couldn't be here, not when this intimacy, this baby situation made her crave for a reality like this with Aarav. It was especially easy to imagine it considering that the mother had fled.

Aarav made a face before watching the way his daughter had grabbed hold of Tanya's hair. He'd been about to loosen her tight baby grip when he watched Tanya do the same. He ended up doing as she asked and opened his arms, surprised at how easily the little baby girl fit into his arms, while he looked at Tanya in that same surprise. "I guess--I just needed some help and encouragement," he whispered, not wanting his daughter to react to loud voices when she'd finally calmed down. He was rocking her gently in his arms, not at all surprised at the way her eyes seemed to close before he noted how Tanya had turned away. Carefully he moved to the other side so she was forced to face him and his daughter. "What's going on?" He asked quietly before sighing once he realized. "You're probably annoyed that ​this​ was why I'd suddenly resurfaced and called you right? What did Raina call me that one time--​matalabi dost​ right?" He hadn't meant to be, but he supposed he'd started taking Tanya for granted very early on in life and it had never been fair to her, but she'd also never said anything to him about it either.

Tanya chuckled, staring at the floor. He may be standing in front of her but he couldn't force her to look up at him, not when he was holding that baby and Tanya's overactive imagination knew no bounds. She shrugged her shoulders. "Raina was just trying to look out for me," she mumbled, more to herself than anything and it was true. No matter what harsh words Raina flung, they were almost always for Tanya's benefit - even if she didn't listen. "You're my best friend Aarav, ​tum mujhse matlab kyun nikaloge?​" Except he would; he had been taking her, her love and everything Tanya was for granted ever since they were little because of this best friend title she had been bestowed. Finally looking up, Tanya focused her gaze on the baby rather than the father, her fingers slowly trailing against the child's cheek. "Do you know what you want to call her?"

Aarav was surprised when her words defending Raina stung him. He'd regarded Tanya as the person he was closest to, but that didn't mean she'd feel the same way and perhaps all his bad selfish behavior had finally pulled her away from him. He nodded at her words, not really knowing what to say because he didn't agree. He'd been selfish and Tanya had still stuck by him, not even chiding him for anything once. But the fact that she'd still called him ​her​ best friend made him realize that maybe things hadn't changed for either of them. His gaze remained on her though even when she continued looking down at his little girl. Her question, though, stumped him. Because while he was in marketing, thinking of countless catchphrases and names for the characters in his mini stories, right now with his daughter in his arms--he was blank. "I don't--know. ​Tumne kuch socha hai?​ Like I know, a lot of girls plan their future kids names, so I don't want to steal yours, but I'm sure you'll think of something better than I could."

Tanya bit down on her bottom lip, giving a helpless look to the sleeping baby. This was like her best dream and worst nightmare all rolled into one; how many times had she had the exact same dream? Well not the ​exact​ same dream, considering in her dreams she was the mother and her and Aarav were married. "Ahaana," Tanya blurted, her eyes widening as she kept her gaze locked on the baby's. Of course her reasoning had always been that since Aarav's name had three ​a​'s in it, she would want her daughter to have almost the identical number too. "But I mean," she finally looked up at him, praying that she didn't look like some lovelorn ​idiot​, "it's your choice. Your baby, you name it what you want na." A weak laugh to cover up how she had become overly invested in this dreamland of hers.

Aarav didn't realize the turmoil he was putting her through. Perhaps if he did, he wouldn't have been quite so adamant on torturing her this way. But he didn't know, and for him this was normal and he was just being a normal friend with his best friend. But when he heard the name drop from Tanya's lips, while she continued staring at his daughter who was looking back at Tanya with a strange fondness, he knew it was the perfect name. "Ahaana," he repeated with a smile before looking back at Tanya who was attempting to pretend like she wouldn't mind if he didn't choose the name she suggested, but he loved it. "No, that's her name. Ahaana," he whispered before leaning down to press a soft kiss to her forehead. Everything else was secondary, like how he'd need to get a crib, a changing table, ​diapers​, formula, clothes, a stroller. ​​All​​ of that was important but it came after. Right now, this moment of his daughter looking up at him, (and Tanya), and smiling was the most precious moment he'd experienced. The funny thing was--he'd never expected to feel this way, at least not in the circumstances that led him here. A one-night stand with a woman got him a baby girl that was going to change the ​entire​ future he'd planned for himself. "But Tanya, ​mujhe kuch nahi pata,​ what all I'll need, and I can't go shopping with her without a car seat, like--I ​need​ you. We'll make Rohan babysit or something, and you'll come with me right? To get Ahaana's things?"

Tanya wished Aarav knew that she could never say no to him; not in a million years. And especially not when he was looking at her with those big, hopeful eyes that looked eerily similar to his daughter's. She shook her head, looking down at the ground with a laugh. "Sure, I'll go shopping with you." Tanya jerked her head to the door where the snoring was coming from and raised an eyebrow at him. "Who's going to poke the ​kumbhkaran?​" She surveyed the apartment with a sigh, but except for the bassinet there was nothing that had arrived with the baby. "We have ​a lot​ of work to do."

Aarav couldn't stop the smile on his face from growing considerably at her agreeing to go with him. He was ​actually​ that thankful. "God, you're saving my life for probably the hundredth time," he laughed before shaking his head at her comment. "​Woh mera kaam hai,​" he looked at her for a second before holding Ahaana out towards her. "Can you take her for a few seconds, I think she's about to drift off to sleep so hopefully Ro ​ke liye zyaada​ difficult ​nahi hoga.​" He caught the way Tanya was looking at him and sheepishly smiled. "Yeah okay, who am I kidding? He's going to be a mess. Can't wait for this." He mock saluted her before bursting into the other room and jumping on his best friend's bed, quite thankful that the man had stopped his habit of sleeping in the nude. "Rohan, I need your help. Your brother ​needs​ you. ​Uth na?​" He shook the man before groaning rather loudly. "What if it was a matter of life or death?" Rohan made a much louder yawning noise before lowering the covers from his face. "If it were a matter of life or death, you'd never call me. ​Uske liye teri Tanya hai.​"

Tanya let out a breath she'd been holding when Aarav disappeared to Rohan's room. She took a seat on the couch, Ahaana snug in her arms. "Now remember Ahaana, we ​don't​ like Rohan," she whispered, shooting a glare in the direction of the bedroom where she could hear noises. Rohan Chopra had been one of her tormentors all through high school and college - always making fun of her weight, of her closeness to Aarav and even her crush on him. Apparently it was obvious to everyone but the man himself. She cooed at the baby asleep in her arms before slowly standing up, fingers crossed and lay her in the bassinet. Smoothing down her dress, Tanya exhaled slowly and rubbed at her eyes. How did she even ​manage​ to get herself in this mess? First thing was first, she needed to know how old this baby was. Grabbing the letter once again, she scanned it for more clues. ​Six months​, Ahaana was six months old. That was six months of her life that Aarav had missed and Tanya's heart ached for him: to be thrust into the role of a father when he so clearly was unprepared had to be tough. A glance at the clock and Tanya cleared her throat, "Aarav, come on. We're going to be ​late​!"

Aarav had ignored Rohan's comment about Tanya, especially considering the fact that it was ​true.​ He would always depend on Tanya if the situation was serious--Rohan was his friend for all the fun idiotic times. But right now, he did need to get Rohan ​out​ of bed so that he could get going with Tanya and actually feel a ​little​ prepared for his new venture into fatherhood. He heard her words and winced before finally pulling Rohan up while standing on the bed himself. "Rohan Chopra, ​tu abhi ke abhi nahi utha na--maa kasam, main saare locks badal doonga ghar ke,​ and you'll be left out in the cold." That thankfully helped and got the other man up and out of his bed. "Fine! Where's the fire?" And that's when Aarav had to launch into exactly what happened this morning and how Ahaana had just made her entrance into their life. Rohan tugged on a robe before he made his way out of his bedroom, his eyes locked on Tanya's while he grinned. "So--Aarav, ​tune bataya nahi.​ Readymade ​bachi ke saath, readymade Maa bhi aagayi.​" Aarav rolled his eyes at Rohan before looking apologetically at Tanya. "I'm sorry about him and his dumbass self. Listen, I'll just shower and come." And with that Aarav ran towards his room and rushed into the shower, praying that when he came back out--there were ​no​ casualities outside.

Tanya immediately stared down the second she heard Rohan's comment. To Aarav of course it may have seemed as a ​dumbass​ remark, but Tanya knew exactly why Rohan had said it - to get under her skin. She could only watch Aarav disappear into the shower like a hurricane, all her protests dying in her throat. Tanya crossed her arms, standing as far away from Rohan as possible. "When are you going to give it up Tanya? First you lose weight for him, next thing you know he'll be popping your cherry." Tanya gasped, his crude statement stung - especially considering that she had ​never​ been that far with a man anyways and maybe she did kind of wish it was with Aarav. "Rohan, shut up. ​Kam se kam,​ I thought that maybe you grew up but I was wrong." Her own retort was weak, and Rohan knew it too the way he was grinning at her. "Sad isn't it? You're ready to fill in as the mother, and yet the baby isn't even yours. Just like Aarav ​isn't​." Tanya shut her eyes, her fist clenched and jaw wired shut. She had been this close to raising a hand when she heard the shower stop and instead pulled away from Rohan entirely, busying herself in the kitchen so she could get a glass of water.

Aarav had tried to rush his shower as much as humanly possible before slipping on a pair of jeans and a white button-down shirt, deciding it was good enough for a shopping trip. Aarav Roy had ​never​ enjoyed shopping, and something told him that now, with ​all​ the things involved in babies and their daily lives--he was going to hate it even more. He made his way out of the bedroom, Ahaana sound asleep in the bassinet while Rohan lounged on the couch, watching the television while watching the baby every three seconds. "Tanya ​kahaan gayi?​" Rohan shrugged before gesturing to the kitchen and so he ended up going there, knowing that something had transpired between the two people he was closest to. He found her standing by the sink, her gaze staring out the window. "​Usne iss baar kya kiya?​" He gently put a hand on Tanya's shoulder before turning her around to face him, but of course, she wouldn't look at him, her gaze level with his neck instead. And so he kept two fingers underneath her chin before tilting her face up slightly. "I'm sorry."

Tanya shut her eyes when he tilted her face up to look at him. She wished he wouldn't apologize, not when everything Rohan said was true. Perhaps that was why it hurt so much, because Tanya knew it was the truth. Rohan had always been telling her the truth since high school: she had been chubby, she had been annoying, she had been unpopular, and most importantly she had been in love with her best friend who only saw her as just that. Tanya shook her head, letting out a shaky breath. "It's fine, it's just Rohan na? ​Bolta rehta hai woh, uska kaam hi hai​," she tried to reassure but her jaw wobbled as she spoke. "Anyways, I think that we should get going. We don't want to have a situation and have no diapers handy."

Aarav frowned when he saw her shut her eyes and wondered how bad it must've been that she was closing her eyes. But when she pulled away from him, he merely sighed and backed away leaning against the countertop as he listened to her. "I know it's just Rohan, but I still don't think he should..." Aarav trailed off considering Tanya decided to change the topic and mention the shopping. "I mean, I don't know Tanya, a situation ​should​ happen while Rohan's taking care of her." He was only kidding, considering he couldn't let his baby deal with that even if it'd be fun to punish Rohan that way. "​Chalo,​ besides we've both got a lot to catch up on," and waving a quick goodbye to Rohan, he led Tanya outside to his garage where his motorcycle from college was parked along with his Toyota Corolla. "I'd ask you which one, but considering all the stuff we have to get..your motorcycle ride will have to wait." Winking at her, he remembered all their days back then where she'd be fully ​petrified​ of riding on his bike with him and falling off even when he tried to reason with her and tell her it wouldn't happen and he wouldn't let her get hurt.

Tanya rolled her eyes again. "I think I'll live Roy, probably a long and healthy life." She glared at the bike with disdain before sliding into the passenger seat of the Corolla. Tanya patted at the interior, shifting on the seat slightly. "Did you get the inside changed?" Last Tanye remembered, the backseat had a nasty bloodstain from the time Aarav had practically torn the entire skin off his knee from some biking adventure and a panicked Tanya had driven him to the hospital. She leaned back in her seat, scrolling through her phone for the items they would need. The less they talked, the better it would be; maybe this time Tanya would be able to control her feelings for him. It seemed highly unlikely though, considering how even in this small space - she felt charged with electricity.

Aarav had to laugh when he noticed her ​glaring​ at his motorcycle. These were the little quirks about her that he loved so much. She was actually acting as if his bike was a live thing with feelings, not some object. Still, once they were seated and he drove out of the garage, he heard her comment and nodded. "I had to," he glanced at her for a moment, remembering how that was yet another time when he could've called Rohan for help but the other man would've just laughed--under the impression that Aarav was joking or pulling some prank and not have come to help him. That's why he'd called Tanya, and remembering her entire reaction had made him wonder just how much she cared about him. He watched her on her phone and frowned. "Sorry ​madam,​ there are no phones allowed in his vehicle." Taking it from her hand, he kept it inside his cupholder, giving her a cheeky grin. "Talk to me na, it's been so long since we've spent time together."

Tanya protested, reaching for her phone when he pulled it away from her. "Aarav," she whined, trying to reach for the phone but it was too far from where she was sitting for her to reclaim, "I was going through the baby shopping list." At his words however, she melted; it was true, this was probably the first time in six months they had hung out. She couldn't let it show though, not when she felt like a fool. She'd lost all this weight, hoping that Aarav would suddenly realize that it was her - she was the girl of his dreams. But no, he was a ​dhil phek aashiq​, falling in love with every single girl he met even if they didn't deserve him. "Nothing's been going on ya, my life isn't as exciting as yours. I gave the LSATs, got a 170 and now I guess I'm in law school. ​Tu suna, koi ladki hai kya?​" The words even pained her to think about, but she was Tanya Sen - Aarav Roy's best friend. ​Not​ Tanya Sen, the girl helplessly in love with her own best friend of ten years.

Aarav loved the way she'd whine when he was being annoying to her. It always reminded him of a tiny kitten or puppy who had their favorite toy taken from them. He obviously kept the phone away still before approaching a red light and turning to listen to her talk about her life. "That's so exciting Tanya, you're going to be a lawyer. Do you remember ​jab tum choti thi?​ And you didn't think you'd be able to stand in a courtroom and argue? And now look at you." Aarav was genuinely proud of her and her accomplishments, both academically and personally, but he didn't want to be ​that​ asshole who pointed out her weight loss unless she wanted to. But of course now he was definitely going to convince her to work out with him; he really liked company in the gym for some reason. When Tanya asked about a girl in his life, though, he laughed. "Yeah, there's this girl. She's the assistant to the CEO for the company I'm designing a campaign for. But it's mainly just coffee meetings discussing work so far." And really, not that he was a father all of a sudden, he didn't think she'd want ​anything​to do with him. "What about you? Any boyfriend I need to approve of?" He'd never had the chance thus far, but he'd always joked about it with her--that whenever she found someone, he'd have to go through Aarav Roy first.

Tanya burst into a genuine laugh, remembering the moment. "And your mom would give him her black silk robe so I could walk around and pretend to be a lawyer, that entire summer I ran around yelling ​Order, order​." She shut her eyes, leaning back into the seat, a small smile on her face. Oh if only she could go back to those days; everything made so much more sense back then. Back then, she still believed in that best friends trope and sincerely believed that Aarav would ask her to prom, that they would get married in the small temple near their house. Of course, flash forward to the future, they no longer lived with their parents and he was once again telling her about some other girl. "Take it slow okay? I don't want you to get hurt again," she whispered, her hand reaching to hold his over the gear shaft. And if a spark of electricity ran through her veins, none would be the wiser. Letting her hand fall away, Tanya looked down shyly. "Why do you ask when you know the answer is always the same? ​Mujhe kaun date karega?​ And either way, ​mujhe koi interest bhi nahin hai kisi main​..." She turned her head slightly to look at Aarav from her periphery, her heart racing.

Aarav nodded at her words, remembering how he'd sometimes stay behind Tanya so he could hold the ends of the black silk robe to keep her from falling flat on her face after tripping over it. They'd been such crazy kids but he was thankful for all those moments considering it's what helped keep them together so many years later. He heard her words, and felt her hand on his own and turned to her for a second before diverting his eyes back to the road. "I know Tanya, don't worry. I won't rush into things." But as always, Aarav was lying to himself. He had already planned a future that was only going to be sidetracked now considering he had Ahaana in his life. At her answer though, he shook his head. "​Tujhe kaun date nahi karega?​ You're such a great girl, and you're so beautiful. Plus--you know the best thing about you? ​Teri honesty.​" And he was telling the truth, and he didn't know why Tanya chose to keep to herself and not really show any interest in anyone.

Tanya felt like screaming. ​Then why won't ​you​ date me?​ Her heart pounded in her chest, and she shut her eyes, trying not to let her insanity get the best of her. "You're the only person who thinks so Aarav," she murmured, her hand on his once more. She'd seen him go through girls, and girls go through so quickly. So many times she'd wish he would just look at her one day and realize that the reason all those other girls left was because he was meant to be with her, but that would never be a reality. "Seriously, ​promise​ me you won't dive headfirst into it. This always happens to you. You fall way too quickly, and way too hard and then they don't and it ends up ruined. You have a baby to think about now too." There it was; the divide that Tanya wanted to create between them; it would remind her of her limitations.

Aarav had to smile when her hand on his, but he hated that soft sad tone in which she spoke. He may have been the only one to think so in her mind, but he knew here were probably plenty of men around her who found her amazing, but were also probably intimidated by her too. The only reason Aarav wasn't, was because at the end of the day--he'd known her when she was a cute little girl who loved watching sappy romantic comedies, but that was something she probably still did anyways. He looked at her when she spoke, the seriousness finding it's way into their conversation. "I promise," he whispered before shrugging. "​Aur agar iss baar ladki khud ​ first move ​kaare toh?​" But at her comments about his baby, he just sighed and shrugged, not sure what he could say to her because he was worried about this too, how was he supposed to find someone who'd want to live with him or marry him now that he has a little baby girl?

Tanya shook her head. "Not even then Aarav, ​tum pehle first move karo, ya woh kare - end main toh kisi na kisi ka dil toot ta hain​ and from experience, we both know that its been you." She squeezed his hand gently, knowing that her words were a little on the harsher side but sometimes she really needed to bring it so that Aarav would understand. She was only trying to help him, nothing else.

Aarav frowned at her before shaking his head. "I know, but like--​agar inn sab mein se koi meri​--hmm, what if she's my future wife? Then what should I do?" Still, he knew that Tanya was completely right. He did tend to fall for every woman he met and felt attracted to, but he didn't ever realize any of that at the actual time when he was falling for any of the women he'd be with. He supposed that was his problem, that he basically just took everything at face value and when he was falling--he couldn't really pay attention to anything else. But this time was different, he had a little baby to think about--so no woman would really be able to come to terms with that, especially when he was barely managing it himself. Once he parked at the store, though, he forced a happy smile on his face and took Tanya's arm, hooking it through his own, "here's your phone back. Now help." he chuckled before grabbing a cart with his free hand, not yet relinquishing hs hold on her.

Tanya tried to ignore the flutter that ran through her when he looped his arm around her own and out of instinct, she rested her head on his shoulder. They always seemed to fit just ​perfectly​. If only Aarav could see that too; if only for once he saw her as ​Tanya​, not as his best friend Tanya - she knew that he would understand. He had to; they were perfect together. She had been using her free hand to scroll through her phone when a sales assistant came up to them. "Hi! Is there anything I can help you two with today?" Tanya smiled, glancing down at her phone. "We're just looking for some baby essentials: diapers, a changing station, crib, all those things." The sales assistant's expression changed into something much brighter, a fear settling in Tanya's stomach. "​Oh​, is this your first child? You two make the loveliest couple, the baby section is right here - let me lead you two to it." Tanya sputtered, her heart nearly stopping at the assumption the woman had made.

Aarav had to smile when he felt her rest her head against his shoulder. It reminded him of all the times they'd be like this during high school, every time he'd be crying about some girl or the other and she'd be consoling him. Plus right now, she was doing it again without even realizing it. He looked up at the sales assistant who'd come up to them, about to talk about his baby girl when Tanya answered for him, leaving him smiling and looking down at her fondly. He heard her words and laughed but didn't bother correcting her considering it didn't matter what this random woman thought and besides explaining it to her would take ​too​ long and they were on a timeline. "Lead the way, we're just so excited," he looked at Tanya who was looking up at him curiously but merely shrugged before giving her a subtle wink and squeezing her hand gently. "We ​​do​​ look like we're expecting our first baby after all."

Tanya wished that he hadn't done that, especially when he didn't know how his words, his actions and that ​stupid​ wink did to her. Tanya could only nod, a mess of stutters and fumbles and not for the first time that day did she wish that this entire scenario could be real. She nudged him with her hip, laughing as he stumbled. "Why are you flirting me, idiot? ​Teri lines mujhpe kabhi nahin chalne wali​." Oh if only he knew the truth.

Aarav chuckled at her reaction while they looked around the dozen or more strollers. "I'm sorry, ​itne dino se tujhe dekha nahi na,​ so it's all coming out. And I can't very well flirt with the sales girl when she thinks I'm here with the mother of my baby." He'd said the words and then frozen because it sounded so good. Tanya as the mother of his children. If Aarav was honest, he'd admit to how he'd always thought they'd let their childhood of playing 'house house' come true. But Tanya had firmly slotted herself into the best friend side, and Aarav was perhaps a bit too much of a conceited image conscious asshole to think otherwise. "What do you think about this?" It was a high tech looking stroller, one that even had a docking station to charge the phone while you're out with your baby. "Whoa--but this price? What are they asking for the price for three strollers or something?" He tilted it for Tanya to see, his own eyes still wide with realizing just how expensive this shopping trip was going to be.

Tanya froze at his words, blinking down at the floor because had he really said that? She definitely ignored how her heart had fluttered at the thought; this baby being theirs, him loving her the way she had always loved him. Tanya shook her head dispelling those thoughts and over at the stroller Aarav's attention had been captured by. She shook her head almost immediately. "It's not balanced enough. There's one big wheel at the end like a motorcyle and two small ones in the back, that's only going to make it uncomfortable for Ahaana when you take her out. You need something more reliable, more sturdy," she paused, biting on her bottom lip as she surveyed the stroller before taking the one that was a lot more conservative that he had picked in a dusty pink color, "something like this."

Aarav noticed what she meant, his eyes examining the large wheel and the smaller ones and nodding. "Yeah, I guess that makes sense." But when she found another one, he moved towards it, surprised at how instantly she'd chosen the right thing. It was mainly why he'd asked her to come along with him. Otherwise, he'd have picked some impractical items, expecting them to be okay only to endanger his daughter's life. "Thank god you're here," he smiled before embracing her once more. Only this time, he held on for a few seconds too long, allowing himself to inhale the soft floral scent that he'd grown to associate with her always. Once he managed to let go, he looked at her for a moment before clearing his throat and looking around the rest of the items they'd have to buy. "​Yeh sab toh hum le lenge..​ but what do I do with taking care of her? I have to work and I can't randomly apply for paternity leave or something.." He picked up a big packet of diapers and tossed it in the cart before looking at her.

Tanya exhaled when he wrapped her in his arms, and her own arms came around him, face buried in his shoulder. She breathed in his scent, that familiar musk she'd grown so accustomed to through all of college was still there. It gave her a sense of familiarity, her heart speeding up in her chest. When he pulled away however, Tanya looked down, coughing to clear the phlegm suddenly clinging to her throat. "I could--I could watch her on some days? I have a lot of evening classes... Only if you want me to of course, if you'd rather get a nanny or a caregiver, ​woh bhi theek hai​." She groaned internally, wanting to bury her head in the sand to hide her exceptionally red cheeks. ​Why did you say that? Idiot.​

Aarav had just picked a few onesies for his daughter when he heard Tanya's suggestion and actually found himself feeling completely relieved. "You'd--you'd really do that?" He took hold of both her hands in his own and shook his head at her words. "I'd rather Ahaana be taken care of people who are actually family." ​Wait, why had he said that? That sounded really strange.​ He remembered just how once her mother had suggested for Tanya to tie a ​rakhi​ to Aarav and they'd both vehemently refused because that was just incredibly messed up. "But you'd actually--God Tanya, you don't know how much that means to me. Because I don't entirely trust Rohan to--well, even right now is pretty dangerous to leave someone like him with a baby."

Tanya laughed, shaking her head when he took her hands in his. "Of course you silly man. I can't trust either of you to look after that baby by yourselves, you'd be completely lost." She turned to see some of the other shoppers gathering to see what the commotion was and cleared her throat, "Now get off your knees, everyone's starting to stare." Her cheeks felt hot again and she looked away from Aarav, pulling her hands away and moving further along the aisle to pick up some more essentials. What had she gotten herself into?

Aarav had noted how she often called Ahaana his baby, or the baby, but not by her name and it made him wonder if there was something she was choosing to keep hidden from him. He'd ask, but he knew Tanya well enough to know that she'd evade the topic and start discussing something else. Even now, he managed to get off his knees because of all the stares from the people around them, but his thoughts remained on how Tanya was reacting to this whole thing; it had been a lot better than he expected truthfully. Especially with how often she warned him against getting too close to the women in his life and now he'd ended up having a daughter thanks to his stupid decisions. He finally decided to follow her along the aisle, watching her pick up different things until something he'd seen in movies and shows clicked. "Tanya--what about, ​hum usse pilayenge kya?​ Babies still need their milk right? How am I supposed to?" He frowned before looking down at himself and then back at her. ​Even though,​ Aarav Roy was well aware of formula for babies, right now--his common sense had taken a bit hit.

Tanya stared at him, eyebrows furrowed before she followed his gaze to his chest and it hit her. Her own arms wrapped around her chest as her jaw dropped into a perfect little ​o​. She sputtered, her cheeks flushed as she tried to get a semblance of a sentence out. Her tongue obviously did not comply and she spent a good few seconds stammering. "Aarav!" Tanya turned away from him, fanning her cheeks. "There's ​formula​," she nearly screeched. "God, you're so-- so ​​dumb​​." Tanya still couldn't believe that he thought she would... She shuddered, not even wanting to think about it. ​Why?​ her conscience prodded, ​didn't you want children with Aarav? If Ahaana was ​your​ baby you certainly wouldn't have this reaction​. Tanya shut down her conscience, muttering to herself as she continued down the aisle, putting more things into a shopping cart wich was equipped to hold much less.

Aarav hadn't ​​even​​ been looking at Tanya in that lewd way, considering the way she wrapped her arms around her chest. "Oh c'mon." He was about to say something more when he heard her words and covered his face. He was such an absolute idiot. He knew about formula, of course, he did. There were so many kids out there who actually had to grow up without mothers, or the ones whose mother's could give them milk; why was he acting like such a complete idiot? He nodded at her words before covering turning to face her. "I'm sorry, I know I am. It's my first time okay." He frowned before following her down the aisle. "Sorry, I didn't meant to be such an ass.." he murmured before looking around at the things she was picking up.

Tanya was still reeling from the fact that her best friend was still as dumb as she remembered, and the fact that this dumb idiot was a ​dad​ now to hear his apology. She continued walking down the aisle, before turning to look at Aarav. She wanted to ask him if he was thinking of getting any sort of decorations for the spare bedroom in his house, which would now obviously be Ahaana's nursery. Instead, she found her face mere millimeters from his and her breath caught in her throat. She swallowed thickly, eyes meeting his. "I--I..." Tanya moved back, clearing her throat. "I was wondering if you wanted to get decorations and paints for the spare bedroom, you'll turn that into a nursery right?"

Aarav honestly wanted the ground to ​open​ up and swallow him whole. How could he have said something so idiotic? He was seriously so stupid for saying something like that. He was not at ​all​ fit to be a father if he would say such stupid things? What was he supposed to teach Ahaana if this was how ​dumb​ he was? She didn't acknowledge his apology and for a moment, he wondered if he'd screwed everything up. What if now she decided she didn't want to come and help him with Ahaana because her best friend was such an absolute idiot? But he was in these thoughts when she'd turned and he actually had to reach out to grasp her waist to steady her until she backed away. He heard her words and grinned when he remembered the time Tanya had been the one helping him paint his old high school bedroom, it had been a teal color (until he got sick of it and went with gray instead). "Aw yeah, maybe like some flower design? Or princess? That's something girls like right?"

Tanya could still feel the tingle running through her at where his hand had been at her waist, grasping it ever so gently and suddenly Tanya regretted this crop top for the expanse of skin it showed. She exhaled shakily before nodding. "Yeah girls like that," Tanya teased, letting out a soft chuckle. She seriously needed to screw her head on right, to get her priorities in order. This was Aarav; he was her best friend; he had ​always​ been her best friend and she couldn't ruin that. He had a child now which definitely meant that he would never develop any feelings for her. It was her own tough luck that she had fallen for the one person you'd expect fell right back in love - except Aarav ​hadn't​.

Aarav gave her a small smile, not yet sure that their entire awkwardness from before was done. He still felt like she was pissed at him for what he'd said, and he didn't blame her. "Okay princesses, I wonder where we'd find that type of thing--" and right as he said it, he saw everything pink and princessy. He made a face before looking back at her, finally working up the nerve to hold her. He slipped his arm around her shoulders and tugged her in, not missing how perfectly she fit snugly into his side. "I'm sorry for being an ass and an idiot. I'm lucky to have you huh? At least Ahaana ​ke paas koi toh hoga jo usko sahi tarah se sab kuch sikha sake?​"

Tanya leaned into his touch out of instinct, and shut her eyes at his words. She smiled when she felt his lips at her hair and sighed, "I've been your best friend for years Aarav, I knew what I was getting into and yes, you are. ​Tumhe meri kadr karni chahiye, kya pata ek din tum dhoondo aur main na hoon​," she teased, even though she knew it wasn't true; there would never be another boy for Tanya. She'd ​​never​​ had eyes for any other man except for the one in front of her right now. "And ​hey​, she'll have you too. You can teach her a lot of things. It's a team effort, and we're the best team around Aarav Roy."

Aarav should've passed a reflective surface, if he had--he'd know just how perfect the pair of them really looked together. But there was no reflective surface around and so instead, he just smiled down at her. "​Kadr? Main toh tumhari kadr karta hoon,​" but the truth was--he didn't. He was a selfish best friend to her and while he knew she'd deserve better if he let go of her--he couldn't do that. He needed her too much. "​Aisa agar hoga na--toh pata nahi mera kya hoga zindagi mein.​" He whispered before remembering the time back in college where he'd been dealing with one of his other breakups, and had ended up telling her just how much he needed her and always would. "We are the best team of course, but I don't know--after this little mistake, I'm worried I'll only teach her the dumb things."

Tanya looked at her reflection again, wondering if maybe the open hair, blown out was too much. She knew she was dressed normally, or at least dressed enough that Rohan wouldn't try to make a joke about how she was dressing up for Aarav. Running her comb through her hair, Tanya pulled her hair into two braids instead before slipping into her shoes and rushing to Aarav's apartment. Delhi traffic this time of day was minimal, which meant she could go on the Metro and ​not​ get groped. "Hi," she whispered, taking Ahaana in her arms. "Did Ahaana miss me?"

Aarav didn't know how the week had gone by but now it was like a full week later and was still finding it hard to believe that he was a father to a little six-month-old baby girl. But if he was honest--Ahaana had turned out to be the greatest thing in his life. He'd see her in the mornings, which really was her favorite time of the day, and then he'd come home just when she'd be waking up from her nap and would get to spend ample time with her. He, of course, owed a lot of credit of this transition to Tanya who'd helped him make their apartment into a proper home for his little girl. It was with these thoughts that he'd gotten up that morning, surprised that he wasn't greeted by Ahaana's cries when he stepped into the nursery clad in just his plaid boxers while holding a mug of black coffee. But that's when he saw Tanya there in the rocking chair holding his little cooing baby girl in his arms.

Tanya hummed a soft lullaby to Ahaana, who had since then descended into a perfect sleep and she could only smile. Her own eyes were slightly droopy considering the early hour she'd popped into the house for her shift. Tanya continued rocking the chair, the baby snug in her arms when she looked up to the sight of Aarav. "Hey," she whispered, her voice soft and hoarse. She swallowed thickly at the sight of him in all his glory, and thought, what would not be the only time today, ​damn she really wanted to kiss him​.

Aarav leaned against the door frame as he watched her hum her little lullaby to Ahaana before she looked up at him. "Hi," he whispered back, absolutely forgetting how he was still in only his boxers in front of her. Stepping inside, he held his mug in front of her. "Want some coffee? I mean this is black, which I remember you liked in college, ​lekin abhi tastes change hue hai ya nahi?​" He continued speaking quietly, to ensure his daughter didn't wake up when she was so perfectly sound asleep.

Tanya gave Aarav a sleepy smile before shaking her head. "​Nahin badle​." How could they, when she had been in love with Aarav her entire life? Everything she associated with him: black coffee, sunrises, shooting stars, and everything Tanya loved would always be her habit. Carefully manuevering her arm, Tanya accepted the coffee and reminded herself that she was not so juvenile, that drinking from the same mug of coffee didn't mean she was 'kissing' him. "How'd you sleep?" Her voice too was soft, as she kept her gaze on the baby in her arms, taking a sip from the mug.

Aarav could tell Tanya was exhausted too and felt the pang of guilt at making her spend her free time over at ​his​ place, babysitting ​his​ daughter because Ahaana's ​own​ mother decided to be selfish and leave her on Aarav's doorstep. He wanted to perch himself on the rocking chair and sit over Tanya but that would be weird, and ​very​ awkward considering it would rock and he'd fall over. Too early to make rational decisions apparently. Instead, he stepped closer to her, handing her the coffee, watching as she took a sip before handing it back to him. Aarav shrugged before reaching in to press a soft kiss to Ahaana's forehead. "I don't know, I feel really tense lately." And it wasn't just because of this new arrangement with his brand new baby girl, it came from his job as well. Which was primarily why Aarav spent majority of the time attempting to massage his own neck--and ​failing.​

Tanya sighed as she watched Aarav trying to massage his neck, his arm in the weirdest contortion. "Alright, sit down," she ordered, nodding for him to seat himself in the space in front of the rocking chair. While he did that, Tanya slowly got out of the rocking chair and placed Ahaana in her crib, making sure to put her stuffed elephant next to her and watching with a fond smile at the way the baby grabbed at it even in her sleep. Returning to her seat, Tanya cracked her fingers before pressing down on Aarav's shoulders. "How's work been? You seem so-- ​wound up​." Her hands worked at kneading his muscles, feeling him loosen up under her touch.

Aarav stared at her in surprise when she told him to take a seat but did as asked. He watched from that spot on the floor the way she kept Ahaana in the crib before smiling at the way his daughter reached for the adorable stuffed elephant. "She's so assertive na?" He looked at Tanya before she came and sat down behind him. He was mildly aware of how he was virtually naked except for his boxers the exact second he felt her hot fingers against his skin. "Whoa--​fuck​, this feels great." He kept his voice quiet not wanting to alert his daughter before realizing he shouldn't have sworn in front of her. "Work--I've got this really hard contract coming up," he murmured before leaning into her, aware of how her legs were right pressed up against his arms, both of them being extremely ​close​.

Tanya swallowed when she felt his back press against her legs, the way she could feel his muscles contract and relax underneath her touch all served to render her very... ​flustered​. She hummed at his words, focusing on the massage rather the very hot boy in front of her, the same boy she had been hopelessly in love with since ​god knows when​. "Yeah? What's it about? And besides, I'm sure that you'll ace it. You'll always do." ​Good, that's good. Straight, solid conversation. No shaky tones​, her conscience encouraged and Tanya exhaled slowly, wondering how she always managed to get herself in these situations.

Aarav honestly didn't know how to admit to it, but having his muscles massaged by Tanya, was very close to the highest pleasure he'd ever experienced. He had to stop moaning though considering how Ahaana was still sleeping in this very room. And of course, babies happened to be the ​lightest​ sleepers around. "It's a campaign about marketing this new perfume line, but none of the boards I've designed seem enticing enough," he murmured before taking hold of one of Tanya's hands from his shoulder and tugging her down. ​What was he doing?​ He knew she'd had to lean over to get closer, and had just turned to the side he felt her hair tickle his naked back and realized ​just​ how close they were. Aarav was about to do something he hadn't thought he would've ever--but leaning in had seemed right. But before he could--the nursery door opened and Rohan stood there, causing them both to break apart.

Tanya shut her eyes when she felt him leaning in, but the sound of footsteps forced her to jerk back as if he'd burned her with acid. It was then the realization hit; she had been about to kiss Aarav Roy. Tanya looked up at Rohan who only had some form of pity in his eyes for her and she immediately dropped them again before standing up. "Right, I'll uh--I'll make breakfast or something and then you can get to work so me and Ahaana... so we can get to our class." "What class is this Tanya?" Rohan's voice echoed and there was a vicious smirk on his features, one which promised no good. "A mommy and me class," she let out in a soft whisper before pushing past both Aarav and Rohan to disappear into the kitchen. She leaned against the kitchen countertop, her heart still racing in her chest. Her fingers fluttered to her lips; they had been so close, ​so​ close.

Aarav still didn't know what he was doing. He'd just felt something flutter in his stomach while her fingers worked their magic on his shoulders, and for a second, he just wanted her close. The warmth he was getting from her was too hard for him to ignore. But when Rohan walked in and Tanya pulled away completely he felt the strangest sense of almost rejection. He cleared his throat and stood as well, the now cold coffee mug in his grip. "Breakfast sounds great." He'd been about to ask about the class Tanya mentioned when Rohan beat him to it and so he waited to hear before watching her run out. ​A mommy and me class.​ That sounded so intimate and for a few moments, it made him want to forget how all of this had happened but he couldn't do that and that's why he was in the shower getting dressed for his day ahead, feeling ultimately so much more lighter than he had before thanks to her massage.

Tanya had already set the two plates of breakfast for Aarav and Rohan on the small table in the kitchen. She also had Ahaana in her high chair while Tanya tried to whip something up for lunch so that Aarav could take it with him to work. He had been complaining about how the food court in his office always served the most unhealthy options and so in addition to stocking up the fridge in his house, she was now cooking what she knew was his favorite ​daal​, the rice already in the tiffin box. Directing her attention away from the stove, she smacked Rohan's hand with the spatula. "Hands off the ​pakoras​, those go in the curry." Tanya was too busy feeding Ahaana her formula to notice Rohan surveying her, and the makeshift apron she'd made out of one of Aarav's old shirts. "Playing house again are we Sen?" She froze then, her back tensing. "I'm just helping around Rohan, something you should do more. Now your breakfast is also on the table, and don't worry I didn't poison it." She turned away from Rohan then, and with another sip of formula in Ahaana's mouth, the pressure cooker sounded its whistle and Tanya moved back towards the stove in a bustle, reaching for the plate of pakoras so she could put them in the pan to fry.

Aarav showered and changed into one of his suits for the big presentation he had to do today and was on his way to the kitchen when he heard the two of them going at it again. Of course, their voices were muffled so he couldn't hear exactly what they were saying but he knew they were arguing. He watched while Rohan moved to the kitchen table and decided to go into the kitchen for some orange juice and that's when he caught her in that apron she was wearing. "You look domesticated Sen," he smiled before moving around her, smelling whatever it was she was cooking on the stove. "This smells amazing," he murmured before moving to the dining table, laughing at the way his daughter was clapping her hands on the tray on her high chair.

Tanya rolled her eyes at his words but she faced the stove once more and the spatula was pressed to her lips, her cheeks turning a dusty pink. She cleared her throat before shaking her head. "Your breakfast is on the table. The way you like it, I took out the yolk from your hard boiled eggs and ​uh​ there's some ​poha​ in the container as well if you want any," she rambled, quickly shutting up and finishing her frying before dumping them into the ​kadhi​. Taking the shirt off, Tanya used it to mop at the sweat on her brow before keeping it on the kitchen island. Turning off the stove, Tanya poured the ​kadhi​ into the tiffin, watching Aarav eat breakfast. How she desperately wanted for this to be her life.

Aarav had his ice cold glass of orange juice in his hand when he heard her begin to speak and smiled at everything she had to say. She knew him so well, that sometimes it surprised him. He didn't think anyone could know him that well to know that he didn't like the yolk in hard boiled eggs and that ​poha[/i was his favorite, just like the ​pakora wali kadhi​ that his mom made. "You're the best Tanya," he laughed before digging into the food she'd made him. If only he was paying attention to something other than shoveling food into his mouth, then he'd have noticed the looks Rohan was giving him, and the looks Rohan was passing to Tanya. But Aarav was as always--too consumed with one thought--and right now that thought was ​food.​

Tanya watched as Rohan finished his meal and then disappeared back into his room, allowing Tanya to breathe a sigh of relief. She dipped the plates into the sink, ready to wash them when she heard Aarav's footsteps retreat and her gaze fell to the tiffin. "​Suno​," she called out, rushing behind him and it was only when he turned that she too stopped, chest heaving up and down. Tanya pressed the tiffin into his hands. "You were the other day that the food at the office wasn't that good, so I thought... you'd like some homecooked lunch today."

Aarav had finished his meal and was about to pick up his dishes when he realized just how late he was getting for work. He had just been about to go to his room to get his briefcase when he heard her calling out to him. Aarav turned around and raised his eyebrow waiting for her to speak until he caught the tiffin in her hand. He took it from her, looking down at it with a small smile. "You remembered?" He smiled before pulling her in for another hug. "You're the best because don't tell Rohan--​lekin usse kuch banana nahi aata.​" Aarav didn't realize how it happened but Tanya had managed to wound herself into his life so easily that he didn't realize just how much he missed her.

Tanya was pretty sure that if he kept hugging her like this, she would either tell him that she's been in love with him since high school, ​or​ self combust. Self combustion seemed like the better option. She pulled away with a cough, her cheeks a bright pink. "You've got uh--" Tanya gestured to his shirt before sighing and moving in closer to adjust his tie. "​Tumhari tie dheeli thi​," she murmured, looking up at him, her grip still on his tie, her heart racing in her chest.

Aarav frowned when he heard her cough. She'd been doing that a lot lately and it was causing him a mild level of concern for her because he didn't want this seemingly normal cough to end up being something serious. But he saw her come closer and moved his hands away watching her try to fix his tie. It reminded him of the time he'd seen this with his own parents and couldn't stop the grin from growing on his face. He just hoped one day he'd have this with his own wife. "​Acha chalta hoon,​ I'll see you when I get home." And without thinking about it, he leaned and pressed his lip to her forehead before heading out the door.

Tanya watched his retreating form, her forehead tingling from the way his lips had pressed ever so gently to her skin. The space was still warm and Tanya stepped backwards into the house, rushing to the kitchen when she heard the sound of Ahaana's cries. She sighed, rocking the baby in her arms. "I know Ahaana," she whispered. "I know." Tanya too felt like crying sometimes, especially with the way Aarav Roy made her feel. She was towelling Ahaana when Rohan entered the nursery, leaning against the doorframe. "You know you don't belong here right?" He took Tanya's non answer as a way to continue, "He'll find some girl, and then he'll kick you out of his life, just like he ​always​ does. Take my advice, ​bhaag le.​"

Aarav had walked into the house, absolutely knackered from his day at work but the moment he smelt the onions cooking and all that, he just paused in the kitchen. He could hear some random song playing on the radio and Tanya moving around in the kitchen, swinging her hips as she cooked and danced. He tossed his blazer and briefcase on the table before taking her free hand, thankful that she wasn't holding a knife or something else. He took her in his arms and swung her around, loving the surprised look on her face.

Tanya gasped when she was turned in his arms. She looked up into his eyes and the song died on her lips, breath caught in her throat. The song continued playing on the radio, its ​kab pyar ki pehli nazar dil le gayi le gayi​ taunting her. Because she knew the exact moment when she had realized she had been in love with Aarav. It had been her birthday: her sweet sixteen actually. Rohan had come to wish her but instead shoved her forward, causing her to fall headfirst into her cake. Tanya had run, horrified, disappearing into her treehouse. Soon after, Aarav had followed her up; in his hand he'd held a change of clothes and a cupcake sprinkler. That was when she'd fallen in love with Aarav Roy. "You seem like you're in a good mood," she murmured, dancing with him around the kitchen, completely aware of his hand on her bare waist, of the way it made her skin tingle.

Aarav had merely smiled at her while the two of them slow danced to what was actually a very peppy upbeat song. He knew it was silly, but he just felt like he'd only seen her smiling lately when she was holding Ahaana in her arms, otherwise she'd have a very solemn look on her face which had him very curious as to how everything was going with her classes. Aarav spun her out before tugging her back in, laughing quietly at how she seemed to crash into him. He ended up holding her at the waist again, this time guiding her hands to his neck as they swayed when he heard her comment and shrugged. "The meeting at work went well. They've decided to take our ad and run with it." And that to him was a job well done, he just prayed it meant that the next few campaigns he'd have to work on for this company were as easily dealt with. "​Lekin tu bata, aaj kal maine notice kiya hai, tu badi khoyi khoyi aur shaant rehti hai,​ has anything happened? Is it--is the arrangement not working out anymore?"

Tanya felt her heart stop when she crashed into him; she could stay in this position forever. She could keep her head against his chest, listening to the steady sound of his heartbeat for the rest of her life. So when he started their dance again, she tried to hide the disappointment on her face. Her arms wound around his neck with ease as they swayed on the spot. It amused her that this ​was​ a fast song and yet they were dancing as if it was some romantic song on the set of a Dharama movie. "That's amazing." Her eyes lit up with excitement at his words; she had always loved hearing about him, about his job. "Me?" ​Yes Aarav, I can't be in this arrangment anymore, not when I feel myself falling even ​more​ in love with you every passing day​. "Oh no, it's just that I have a big paper coming up and thinking about it stresses me out. These days I think law, I sleep law, I talk law, I even ​dream​ law."

Aarav smiled at her appreciation, he loved talking to her for this very reason. Tanya was the one person who always seemed genuinely interested in what he had to say. She'd always actually ask him questions about his job and what he was working on. Plus she was one of the best sounding boards he'd had. He'd be able to show her random roughs and she'd give him his best critique every time. "Yes you," he murmured before knocking his forehead against hers. He stopped their dancing before pulling her towards the table and sitting her down on the chair. "Listen, if you've got to focus on work, we'll figure something out for Ahaana, I don't want you to jeopardize your career for me.." But what Aarav didn't realize, was that Ahaana had come to mean a lot to Tanya, the same way she'd become the center of his world.

Tanya shook her head, taking her hands in his. "Aarav, ​suno​," her conscience begged her not to say the words it was so afraid she was about to blurt, "Ahaana means the ​world​ to me." ​So do you​. She cleared her throat then, playing with his fingers. "There's this Mommy, Daddy and me class tomorrow and I was wondering if you wanted to come?"

Aarav let her hold his hands, surprised at the warmth the single action was bringing to him. He nodded his head at her for speaking whatever she was thinking of. When she spoke, he found his heartbeat relaxing once more, she wasn't going to leave him. She'd stay for Ahaana. That was most important to him so he was just thankful that she wasn't planning on cutting this arrangement short. ​Lekin Aarav, yeh sab kab tak chalega?​ And for that, he had no answer. But his words were cut off when he heard her question, and he could actually feel his excitement building at the thought of joining Tanya and Ahaana at a class like this. "Of course, I want to come. But--um what happens in these classes normally?"

Tanya straightened her back before sliding down to sit on the floor with him, both of them hidden by the kitchen island. "Well, it's usually bonding with the baby and certain activities that the mothers partake in while the babies bond with each other. It's just a way for them to get to know other children, and for parents to share their stories." Tanya wouldn't tell him that every time she went to those classes she was always asked about a husband, especially considering that she signed her name as ​Tanya Roy​ fulfilling her dream as a young girl to be able to write that. She wouldn't tell him that everyone in the class thought they were married because there were rarely ever any single moms at this particular branch and Tanya wasn't about to divulge into the messy history that brought her and Ahaana together. This was her family though: Aarav and Ahaana were her ​family.​

Aarav smiled at the way she slid down to be next to him, surprised at how comfortable and normal this felt. Of course, in the time they'd spent together it had become easier for Tanya and Aarav to go back into the way they'd been way back when just with the addition of Ahaana. He listened to her speak about the activities at the class before nodding along, deciding that initially, he'd probably be very excited just to get to spend this type of time and experience with Ahaana and Tanya. "Storytime could definitely be fun," Aarav already had a story to tell about the time Tanya had been bathing Ahaana in the morning and he'd been late to work and had come in, and had taken a shower while Tanya had been using the only tub in the house that was situated in Aarav's ensuite bathroom. He looked towards Tanya and smiled, "tomorrow's class is definitely going to be fun." But right as he was about to say something else, he'd heard his daughter's cry through the monitor and stood before helping Tanya up, not realizing his strength that had her crashing into him once more which had him settling her down before he grinned and went off to quiet his little daughter.

Tanya smiled at her own reflection, at the pale pink kurta she had paired with her rolled up blue jeans. She stared at the ​jhumkis​ all lined up on her dresser, hand hovering over the selection. Once again, her conscience reminded her that there was no reason for her to get so dressed up; it was just another Mommy and Me class, nothing special. Not even if Aarav was going to be there. Tanya decided on the last pair, the ones that looked a little worn, not even realizing that these were the ones Aarav had gifted to her at their Senior farewell. Digging her key to the Roy household out of her purse, she stepped into the apartment. "Come on we're going to be late." Of course it would have made much more sense for her to go before and let Aarav follow, because it would have avoided the awkward introduction. "Hey Tanya!" Radhika greeted with a wave, "Ooh, is this the elusive Mr. Roy? He's just as ​delicious​ as I thought." Tanya fought the urge to bury her face in her hands out of embarrassment. Of course when the woman called over Priya, it only got worse. "Oh Tanya, you finally brought your husband with you! ​Uff​, you guys make just the cutest family ever." Tanya gritted her teeth, keeping her head down as she gave polite smiles to everyone; her heart raced however, swooping down to her stomach while she wondered what Aarav would think.

Aarav leaned over the bassinet he'd brought into his bedroom where Ahaana lay fast asleep. He'd fed her in the morning himself and then chosen to get ready for their special class together. He was going to tell Rohan but the man just hadn't ventured out of his bedroom yet this morning. Aarav headed into his closet and pulled out a pair of comfortable clothes, still under the impression that some of these classes involved physical activity. They were comfortable black pants with a graphic gray t-shirt and a black hoodie, it was a simple ensemble but it'd work. He'd heard her words and so he'd headed out of his bedroom, Ahaana's bassinet in his hand as he smiled at Tanya before leaning over to give her a quick hug. "You look nice by the way," and that's when he was so close to making a comment about her wanting to impress one of the guys there before realizing it was normally just a ​Mommy and Me​ class. Plus, Tanya wasn't like that. She was someone who was proud of who she was and wouldn't change for anyone else, at least that's how he perceived. Once the two of them arrived at the class, he'd been carrying Ahaana when he heard the comments from this woman who'd come over to Tanya and him. A grin was on his lips before he smiled at her. Aarav had been called delicious before; but ​never​ to his face. But then another woman came to greet them, and he held out his hand to her, smiling in surprise for a second at her comment. "We do, don't we? I got really lucky with Tanya honestly." He grinned before wrapping that free hand he'd held out to Priya, around Tanya's shoulders. Sure they didn't know the real circumstances but ultimately the truth was that he got lucky with Tanya and he didn't mind if everyone knew about it.

Tanya seemed to have miscalculated the real grievance of the situation. She had thought the teasing by the moms who had become her friends would be the worse, but now with Aarav's arm around her shoulder, his fingers brushing against the bare skin of her arm - ​this​ was much worse. This was ​​torture​​. The smile on Tanya's face was much more wobbly, her breathing uneven and heartbeat erratic. If the blood rushing to her ears was so loud to her, she could only pray that Aarav didn't hear. She followed after him into the room where the class usually took place, every fibre in her being telling her this was a bad idea. There was still time, if she pulled her feet out of the pond now - she could still salvage herself. Yet she turned to see Aarav looking at her with those godforsaken big brown eyes and she knew she wouldn't. She would willingly ​​drown​​. A sharp cough brought her back to reality and Tanya realized she'd missed most of the instructor's opening remarks. "Today, we're going to put the children aside for a while. Parents it's time we focus on you." ​Focus on you? What was that supposed to mean?​ Tanya's eyes widened as she looked around, trying to gauge a definition but it seemed everybody was equally clueless. She noted most of the wives holding their husband's hand and out of instinct her own hand went to Aarav's, intertwining their fingers. She didn't look at him in fear of a questioning gaze; if he asked, she was just trying to play the part. "After a baby, the sexual lives of parents and not only that but the emotional lives of parents are often jilted. Today's class is all about rediscovering and reconnecting with one another." That's it. It was final. Tanya Sen wanted to ​​die​​.

Aarav noted how all the babies were being put down in various circular cribs, fit for at least four babies and one adult each and moved over there to set his daughter down. He didn't mind that this class was supposed to focus on him and Tanya, but he did find it rather strange considering he figured it was supposed to be centered around their baby. ​Their; he'd be doing that a lot lately.​ It was almost as if he'd forgotten that Ahaana wasn't Tanya's little girl by birth, but it didn't worry him as much. Aarav looked to his side, surprised at how Tanya had done the natural instinct that he'd wanted to as well. Feeling her fingers interlock with his own reminded him that while this was incredibly foreign territory, he had someone with him that was going through exactly the same thing. But the moment he heard that today's class was about rediscovering and reconnecting--he knew this was going to be exceptionally difficult. He noted how he and Tanya were the only two sitting with ample space between them while the rest were all almost meshed together. "Come closer," he whispered before shifting towards her so that they didn't stand out like a couple who were going through maritial problems while the rest were blissfully happy.

Tanya shut her eyes, reminding herself that this was all ​pretend​. He didn't really like her, they weren't really married, and Ahaana wasn't her child. This mantra would be the only thing that would get her through this weekend. Still, she gave into his demands and shuffled closer to him, resting her head on his shoulder, her hand moving from his own to resting on his thigh. ​It's all pretend​, she repeated in her head before Tanya fell even deeper down this rabbit hole. Although something told her it was already too late. "Now I want the both of you to face each other," the woman instructed and Tanya clenched her fists, fighting the urge to punch the woman. It wasn't her fault; she didn't know Tanya's real story, to her Tanya was just another mom, and Aarav was just another dad. She turned to face Aarav, giving him a weak smile. "Take each other's hands and just breathe each other in."

Aarav hadn't realized it at the time but this was incredibly intimate. He'd felt intimacy in the physical sense before but this was different. And he found himself really surprised by how much he liked it. Aarav listened to the instructions and turned around to face Tanya, holding his hands out for hers to place hers into once more. They were both seated on the floor which meant they were a bit far still, but--staring at her like this, all it did was remind him of the time when she'd given him that massage and he'd pulled her closer to himself, their faces right in front of each other, very close to doing something they'd regret. But right now--Aarav was wondering what that would feel like if he kept his hand on her cheek, pulled her in a bit closer, their breaths intertwining together. Clearing his throat, he gave her a smile as well before listening to the next instructions of how they were meant to rediscover their relationship.

Tanya made sure to keep her attention on the instructor and her words, instead of how close she was to Aarav and how it felt so intimate to be with him here, in this moment, like this. Of course, Rohan's words chose to echo in her mind at that very moment reminding her that none of this was real. None of this would ​ever​ be real. She would always just be his best friend, nothing else. Tanya exhaled slowly, keeping her gaze steady on their hands. "Now I want you to look into each other's eyes, to feel each other breathing, breathe with them, feel their heartbeat."

Aarav closed his eyes for a moment before blinking them open to lock on Tanya's instantly. He knew it wasn't part of the instructions but he kept rubbing the back of it to soothe both her and himself. "Hey," he murmured before smiling. "Keep looking at me." He didn't know how to feel the other's heartbeat, especially with this distance between them but then he could sense something he'd never felt before. Through her hands, staring into her eyes he really could feel her heartbeat, both of them entirely in tune with one another. "This is so--different." He didn't know why he was ruining it by speaking during their exercise but he was really surprised that this was happening.

Tanya could feel his heartbeat through his fingertips, and through that she felt an entirely different typ eof connection to him, one which she had never expected to feel. It set her very soul on fire, leaving her breathless. Of course when the instructor walked by them to hush them, Tanya burst into soft, breathless giggles. It was like college all over again, when he would try to whisper (she says ​try​) to whisper to her and only end up getting caught by perhaps the most ​sadoo​ professor in the entire college. It only made sense that he would teach economics too. "Slowly move closer to each other, ladies place your hands on your partners thighs, daddies move your hands to her knees and continue to just breath each other in."

Aarav had to bit his lip to keep from laughing when he heard the instructor tell them to be quiet. He really always did fail at that, so this was really no surprise, but it was seeing the sparkle that was unique only to Tanya that made him feel like things were normal and yet so different between them. At her instructions though he nodded and gently tugged Tanya closer to his body, feeling her warmth even through her clothing. He shifted slightly when he felt her hands on his thighs though because of how unlike anything else it was. He'd absolutely ​never​ had Tanya do something like this, and it made him wonder just what was transpiring between them. But still, Aarav continued taking deep breaths, finding it harder to differentiate between Tanya his best friend, and Tanya the ​surrogate​ mother of his daughter.

Tanya shut her eyes when they moved closer to each other, his hands on her knees. There was a resurgence of blood in her body, her heart kickstarting into an unsteady, tumultuous rhythm and it took everything in Tanya not to kiss him. Of course, she looked away, looking anywhere but him but when she looked around, all the other couples looked so intimate and Priya and her husband were already kissing. She turned her attention away and looked back at Aarav, feeling warmth flowing through her. She timed her breaths with his, feeling a sense of comfort, of familiarity between them - nothing but their heartbeat, their breaths, and their clothes keeping them apart. But he was her ​best friend​, nothing more. No matter if she was always over; if she fixed his tie in the mornings; if she made his lunch, or was there to have a cup of tea with when he came home in the evenings. It didn't matter that she had been ​in love​ with this man ever since she'd learned what love was. None of that mattered, because she was just his best friend, and a surrogate mother to his child.

Aarav could hear the sounds of different couples around them, the breathing becoming more shallow because they were all so involved with each other. When she kept looking at him, he really did feel his heart speed up in a way he hadn't yet experienced with Tanya. They may have been in a room filled with other people, but at the end of the day right now--all he saw was just Tanya in front of him. Everything about her brought him to a place he'd call ​'near the lodge'​. He never really knew how to connect with someone this intimately because whenever he was at this place, the women he'd be with--would never know how to react. But right now, Tanya was on the exact same page as him and perhaps that's what had him inch closer to her, his one hand raising from her knee to her neck, feeling the veins pulsating under his fingers.

Tanya inhaled sharply when she felt his hand rest against the side of her neck. She automatically fell compliant to his touch, leaning her head to the side so that his hand could reach up to her cheek. Her heart sped up at this interaction between them. Could it be-- Was he finally-- ​Was Aarav Roy finally falling in love with her too?​ Of course, her eversteady conscience butted in then, reminding her that maybe he was caught up in the moment. This was after all a very intimate exercise meant to be between two equals, two partners. Still, her own hand reached forward for his free one, intertwining their fingers as she shifted even closer to him, their knees practically touching. Even a chaste action like that one managed to send a jolt of electricity through Tanya.

Aarav watched her lean her head and his hand raised up to cup her cheek. Why was it so normal to be this way with her? Everything was new and different and he didn't know why, but he felt like it was entirely normal. When she took his hand, he smiled at her, inching closer to her wondering why he was feeling so--strange. It was complicated and Aarav knew that if he tried to explain this to anyone, they wouldn't understand. Tanya had been an important part of his life, always and now he was seeing her in a different way and it terrified him even though he felt so comfortable in this moment. He leaned closer to her, both their heads extremely close, their breathing mingled together. "T--Tanya," he didn't know why he was saying her name but he couldn't help it because he was almost terrified at the way he was about to lean in just a little bit closer and kiss her unless she stopped him. This would be--​their first kiss​ if Tanya didn't pull away.

Tanya raised her hand to press her finger to his lips. She for one, could not believe this was happening. Of course, she would have hoped it was somewhere more romantic than a Mommy and Me session but this worked too. She shook her head, knowing that all she had to do was lean in a little further and they would be kissing. Her heart raced in her chest, a shudder going down her spine at the memory of what had happened the last time they had been in this situation, in this position. Tanya had only just closed her eyes again, leaning in slowly when the instructor cleared her throat. "And that's all the time we have today." Tanya jerked back from Aarav, her cheeks on fire as she realized what she had been about to do. She loved him sure, but for Aarav it had all been the heat of the moment. She knew he would have regretted it afterwards; and that would have killed her because it was all Tanya ever wanted and more.

Aarav felt her finger against his lips and looked up at her, wondering what was going on before he realized she was right in stopping him in her own way. But when he caught the way she closed her eyes he wondered if she was second thinking it and was about to lean in a bit more until the instructor stopped them from making the biggest mistake of their life. He untangled all their fingers and body parts from one another and shifted to look at the instructor. He couldn't do this, this was him taking advantage entirely of Tanya just because he hadn't been with someone in over two months. But if he was thinking clearly, he'd have known that his urge to kiss her stemmed from something else inside him, but right now the only thing in his mind--was guilt and regret. He wanted to apologize to her, he wanted to say that he didn't mean to do any of what he had, but this was a conversation best saved for when they were alone without all these people around them.

Tanya knew that she needed a break; she needed to stay away from Aarav for a few days. Even now as she looked back at him, her heart began palpitating again and she feared she would have a cardiac arrest. Tanya picked up Ahaana from her crib and placed her back in the bannister. "Hey baby girl, did you miss me?" At the baby's coo, Tanya only smiled. She liked children; at least they didn't play with other's feelings. Now every time she'd close her eyes, she would see Aarav in front of her, his face impossibly close to his - so close that she could feel his heartbeat. Tanya marched ahead, waiting for Aarav to follow as she sat in the car, placing Ahaana in her car seat.

Aarav stayed a few steps away from her while they walked out of the class, looking completely opposite to how they'd walked in. He'd been smiling, she'd been flustered and now he was frowning, while she was keeping herself occupied. This day, this class was meant to bring them closer together and yet for the two of them--it had just pushed them further apart. He watched her keep Ahaana in her car seat while taking his spot in the driver's side while waiting for her to take her seat on the passenger side but--Tanya chose to sit in the back with Ahaana, telling him in her own silent way how disappointed she was at his behavior.

Tanya avoided Aarav's gaze through the rearview mirorr, even though she could see him constantly looking at her through her periphery. Instead, she chose to play with Ahaana who seemed much more enthusiastic than normal; although that was probably because she had slept the entire time during the class. "Just like your ​baba​," she murmured, tickling the baby's chin. Aarav too had an uncanny ability to fall asleep at the drop of a hat and to be even more ​enthusiastic​ after he woke up - making it an absolute nightmare to deal with. Of course when she mentioned the man in question, her own gaze flitted to the rearview mirror only for their eyes to lock. Tanya's heart kicked in its confines, but this time it was much more painful as if she knew she would never have him.

Aarav tightened his fingers around the steering wheel, trying not to focus on the words he could hear Tanya murmuring to Ahaana and instead Aarav tried listening to the radio he'd switched on. There were a lot of romantic numbers playing on ​all​ the different stations and that was the ​last​ thing he needed right now. Whenever he drove with Tanya next to him, his eyes flitted to her next to him without him even realizing it and even now--she was behind him but he kept looking up at her, surprised at when she looked up to meet his gaze. He wanted to ask her if she was okay, he wanted to ask her if she hated him for what he'd almost done but instead, he'd just smiled at her and looked back out on the street because he couldn't deal with that unreadable expression in her eyes.

Tanya looked up at the calendar in Ahaana's room, a wild little thing: covered in elephants and bright colors. It had been four months since that ill fated incident at that class and they had moved past it with joie de vivre - or at least as much of that as they could muster. "Oh look at that Ahaana, you're almost one year old. I wonder if your ​baba​ has something special planned for you." She lifted the girl up, changing her into a cute outfit that Tanya had bought for her: a cowboy skirt and a small plaid shirt. Of course she should have expected the struggle with the buttons as Ahaana squirmed in her arms. "Do you want to go see your ​baba​ before he goes to work? Yes you do," she cooed, lifting her up in her arms and taking her to where Aarav was in the kitchen. She'd already set his tiffin at the table so he could put it in his bag and breakfast was on the table too - making the household a well oiled machine. "Here she is," Tanya whispered, depositing Ahaana in Aarav's arms and picking up a cup of coffee as she watched the interaction with a smile. She was gurgling now, some words that were too scrambled in their gibberish to make sense of. It was only when Ahaana looked around frantically, that Tanya rushed forward holding the baby's hands. "Hey baby, ​kya hua?​" If Tanya wasn't so focused on Ahaana she would have noticed this was the first time she and Aarav had been in such close proximity after the class. "​Mumma​," Ahaana gurgled, pointing to Tanya and Tanya froze, going pale. She looked up at Aarav in disbelief, eyes wide.

Aarav looked down at the coffee machine, switching it off when it had properly brewed. He and Tanya were the only ones who drank their coffee black and so he liked brewing it to it's richest, darkest flavour. His phone beeped then, and he picked it up, smiling at the notification of Ahaana's birthday within the next week. His plans were all set, a little party at the house, with some of the other babies and parents from the class she was in, and the food would be catered so that Tanya could spend the time with Ahaana. He looked around when he heard Tanya's footsteps and grinned when he caught his baby girl reaching towards him. He picked her up and grinned when he felt Ahaana's head lean into the crook of his neck before suddenly murmuring something incredibly undecipherable. Aarav only smiled and nodded along until he caught her looking around a lot, almost squirming to get out of his arms. "​Kya hua?​" he whispered before he watched Tanya come closer and take Ahaana's hands. But then in the next moment, when he heard Ahaana's voice call out to Tanya, and the way she looked up at him. They both were surprised, but Aarav was incredibly pleased to hear it. "That's right baby, that's your ​mumma,​" he smiled at Tanya before taking her hand with his free one, drawing her in slightly, knowing just how emotional this moment was for her.

Tanya exhaled shakily when Aarav drew her in, her attention completely on the fact that her arm was wound around her waist, and even that contact sent tingles down her spine and everywhere else. "Say it again Ahaana," she whispered, allowing herself to fall down this rabbit hole where nothing made sense because in what universe would Aarav's daughter call her mother, especially when they had no relation to each other. The baby only complied and repeated the word, tugging on Tanya's hair causing her to groan in pain before bursting into laughter. "Okay okay, that's enough Ahaana," she whispered as she straightened out again, her face once again mere centimeters away from Aarav. Their eyes met and she felt her breath catch in her throat.

Aarav smiled when Ahaana obliged and repeated the word over again, tugging on Tanya's hair. "Not nice, Ahaana," he murmured before holding onto his little girl's hand before noting how close Tanya was to him once more. Since their class together, he'd kept his distance, knowing he was treading into a very dangerous territory with her, something he'd never expected. But when he caught her looking at him that way, he just wanted to pull her closer and finally end the gap between them that he could feel getting smaller and smaller. But instead, he stayed away, not wanting that guilt from before to come back to him. He'd been feeling strange things since that class, realizing just how easily Tanya had woven into his world, into his life making it ​theirs.​

Tanya wished she could look away from him, but she couldn't. It was as if she was locked in this gaze with him. The world seemed to have fallen away around them, and she could only see him, could only hear the sound of her racing heartbeat. She was very afraid that she was going to do something stupid, or worse Aarav would hear the very loud beating of her heart, or even the fact that she was so breathless around him. Of course, Ahaana saved the day by clapping her hands, obviously disappointed that the attention was no longer on her. Tanya cleared her throat, looking away from him immediately. "I've got to get to classes, Rohan said he'd watch her for a few hours," Tanya excused herself, practically running out of the house, heart caught in throat.

Aarav could smell the freshly brewed coffee, and hear the giddy sounds of his daughter in her playpen when he'd opened his eyes. The other side of his bed had looked slept in, but Aarav didn't look at all surprised. Instead, he seemed to venture out of his bedroom, missing the significant smell of Tanya's perfume that wafted around his entire house. He normally would've worn a robe, but in this world--he didn't need to. He saw her petite frame in the kitchen, her hands working on something atop the stove and instantly slipped his arms around her waist, his nose at her neck, "morning." His greeting was soft and he smiled when she dropped the spatula and turned to wrap her own arms around his neck. Aarav didn't hesitate at all this time before leaning down to press his lips against hers, and it was ​everything​ he'd ever dreamed of. A feeling in his heart told him how badly he'd been wanting this for ages and that gave him the courage to deepen in. His hands slipping under her shirt, feeling her warm flesh against his fingertips until he had her pinned up against the wall, his lips trailing down her jaw and her neck, the food on the stove lay forgotten while it simmered. The joyful sounds of Ahaana's happiness being their background music. And for the first time in a very long time, Aarav knew he was exactly where he belonged with the one woman who he could trust with his heart because she wouldn't break it. Too bad that was all a dream and instead--he'd woken up in a sweat, feeling rather surprised by where his dreams led him and who they led him ​​to.​​

Tanya tiptoed around the bathroom, wrapped in what she assumed was Aarav's fluffy towel, her hair wet against her back, face fresh from the hot water she'd used up. She'd gotten here early in the morning to feed Ahaana, knowing that Aarav liked to sleep in on the weekends, only the baby girl seemed to be going through her spit up phase and had thrown up the food all over Tanya's clothes and hair. She would have gone back to her own apartment, but the sticky mixture of formula and mashed bananas was truly ​disgusting​. Aarav wouldn't have minded she was sure, and last she'd checked while slipping into the shower, he had been asleep. She stepped out of the ensuite bathroom, hands clutched tightly to the towel as she cursed herself for the thousandth time, wishing she'd had the good sense to pack a change of clothing. She had just opened the drawer to pull out one of Aarav's graphic t shirts, and a pair of his boxers when she heard noise from behind her. Tanya dropped the clothes in her hand as she turned, only to come face to face with a ​very​ shirtless and ​very​ sweaty Aarav. Her grip around the towel tightened as she gave him a nervous smile. "Hey, I was just-- Ahaana spit up all over me so I thought I'd shower... And then I realized my clothes were ruined, so I was like maybe I could borrow some of yours." She clamped her jaw shut before she made an even bigger fool of herself and looked down at her feet, the pool of dripping water forming around them,

Aarav had to be dreaming. There was no other explanation for why Tanya was in his bedroom, with a towel wrapped around her, her hair dripping wet, trailing down her neck disappearing beneath the towel she was clutching so carefully. There was ​absolutely​ no other explanation. Until of course, she'd given him a reason as to why she was there which meant this was certainly no dream. He was on the other hand ​in need​ of a shower very badly but he wasn't sure if he should get up thanks to certain circumstances that had arisen after his very vivid dream about this woman in front of him. But from what he figured, he was alright and so he did stand, picking up the clothes she'd dropped, swallowing at the sight of her like that in front of him. "Of course," he murmured, deciding perhaps he was a bit ​too​ close and yet he didn't make any move to back away, deciding he liked feeling the steam that was still wafting off of her from her hot shower. "I--uh, you can change in here. I'll be in the bathroom," and yet--his feet refused to listen to his mind's every command.

Tanya noddd at his words, taking the clothes with one hand while the other continued to clutch at the towel. She raised an eyebrow at him, at the proximity between them and the way he hadn't moved an ​inch​ despite saying that he would. "Okay," Tanya dragged out the last syllable for as long as possible, wishing he would just go shower because there was only one layer that was separating them right now and her thoughts were heading in a direction which she did ​not​ approve of. She let out a weak laugh, deciding that maybe she should be the one that moved. ​Bad idea​. The puddle of water surrounding her had caused her to slip, forcing her to crash right into Aarav as they both toppled to the ground, her on top of him.

Aarav was a very stupid person. There was absolutely no other word in the English vocabulary that better suit Aarav Roy. Because the definition was as follows: ​​stu·pid​ st(y)o͞opəd/ adjective / having or showing a great lack of intelligence or common sense. ​ And right now, he was showing absolutely ​no​ common sense. He stood there in place until she tried to move away which of course had her landing on him considering the way she slipped in the little pool of water that had accumulated by her feet. "Tanya!" Calling out her name did nothing because ultimately the two of them were on the floor in his bedroom, him in his boxers, her with a towel that was dangerously close to slipping off of her thanks to his grip at her waist. "Sorry," he murmured breathlessly, one hand reaching up to move her wet hair away from her face so he could look at her. The problem was, this little incident had caused them both to become quite out of breath and when Aarav recollected the dream he'd ​just​ had--he wanted it to be real. That's why his one hand cupped her cheek finally and he leaned up, ready to finally have his first kiss with Tanya Sen.

Tanya froze when she realized he was leaning in; his hand was on her cheek and she was pretty sure she was burning up wherever he touched her. ​Come on Sen, ​breathe​​. She exhaled shakily before noting that he too had paused, leaving the small gap between their lips that would drive Tanya insane. She had wanted this her entire life, and now that it was finally in front of her, why was she so scared? ​Because you don't want him to break your heart​. It was one thing for her to be in unrequieted love with Aarav, because it was hers and hers alone. She could do what she wished with it, but the second he showed any semblance of reciprocation - it was a gamble, completely out of her control. Still, Tanya couldn't bear it. ​Maybe third time lucky​, and with that, she closed the gap between their lips, her hand moving away from her towel and sinking into his hair.

Aarav had come close to kissing her at least twice in the past year, and his dream from this morning was basically an indication that it wasn't something he had wanted spontaneously. He'd been wanting to kiss her for a very long time, to feel her wanting him the way he was beginning to want her. Maybe it was seeing just how much she cared for him and their daughter. Ahaana was ​theirs.​ It didn't matter that she had someone else's blood running through her veins, the bond she shared with Tanya was unlike anything he'd ever witnessed. Plus the way Tanya cared for him, had him going back to the past remembering each and every time how she'd been there, her love and support for him unwavering. Of course, the problem was that he had no idea what ​she'd​ been thinking until the moment she closed their gap. Feeling her lips against his, moving in tandem, the way her fingers tugged on the ends of his bedhead hair, left him moaning. His hand tightened against the terry cotton of his robe before realizing just what the two of them were engaging in--and that too, on the floor of his bedroom. But Aarav didn't want to stop, he felt like he'd finally rediscovered a part of him he'd lost so long ago, and wondered whether or not this was as significant to her as it was to him.

Tanya gasped when she felt his grip tighten on the towel, feeling the fabric slip further down her body. ​Moving a little fast there aren't we?​ Her conscience sneered, sounding remarkably similar to Raina. Tanya didn't care, not when she'd manufactured a ten year relationship based on nothing, she could do a whole lot more with kisses and second base. Her heart raced in her chest at the thought of this finally happening. Maybe they were right, maybe she just had to wait. Tanya shifted slightly in his grip so that he was now hovering over her and her back was pressed against the cold marble floor of the apartment.

Aarav should've stopped himself, he should've known that this was Tanya Sen, his best friend, the mother to his little baby girl, and quite possibly the one woman who knew him better than he knew himself. But he didn't. He happily shifted them so that she was on the floor, the towel coming undone thanks to their position changes, but looking down at her there, he knew this wasn't how it was supposed to happen. It wasn't something that he was going to do ​just​ because of their lack of clothes. No, Tanya deserved better than that. She deserved feeling cherished and loved. ​But you ​do​ love her.​ And that was true, Aarav Roy loved Tanya Sen, but right now--he was actually falling in love with her, day by day, moment by moment. And that's why he pulled away and helped her stand up. Ensuring he didn't let her towel drop, he handed her a big robe he normally used when he was lounging around his bedroom without anything on. He wouldn't apologize because he wasn't sorry for kissing her, but he was sorry for taking advantage of a moment that perhaps would change the course of their relationship.

Tanya felt her cheeks flush when he pressed the robe into her hands, as she realized what it looked like. It kind of looked like she had planned to throw herself at him, when it had all just been a coincidence. ​Maybe you should have thrown yourself at him earlier​, again Raina's voice popped in as her conscience and she cleared her throat. Stepping into Aarav's closet, Tanya changed into the clothes she'd gathered from him, pulling his shirt over her bare chest, but slipping on her own jeans which were ​thankfully​ safe from Ahaana's spit up attack. She'd expected him to be in the shower when she got out but there he was, sitting on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands. ​Oh god, did he ​regret​ it?​ Tanya took a seat next to him, resting her hand on his thigh. "Listen if you..." Her throat went dry, the words dying on her lips when he looked up at her and she felt her controls dropping as she leaned in to kiss him again, softer this time.

Aarav should've gone into the bathroom to take his shower, but he sat there on the bed, thankfully having tugged on his own shirt so that he wasn't still half naked when she came back out of his closet. His mind was reeling with what had just happened. How could he have kissed Tanya? ​Because you idiot! You've been wanting to for ages.​ And maybe that was true, but her friendship meant the world to him and maybe that's why when the door opened he was still sitting there with his head in his hands. He knew she'd stepped out, but he expected her to just get out of his bedroom as quickly as possible but instead she sat down next to him. He saw her hand on his thigh and looked up at her, wondering for a second what his conflicted expression looked like. But before he could say anything, she ended up leaning in once more to kiss him. He couldn't hold back and so he continued kissing her, his one hand pulling her close, the other helping her so that she was now on his lap, her own hands around his neck. Were they making out in his bedroom on an early Saturday morning? ​Yes, just like the dream you'd had.​ Aarav smiled into the kiss until he heard someone clear their throat which caused them both to break apart. Rohan stood there in the doorway, a bowl of cereal in his hand while he smiled at them knowingly. "I had no idea ​this​ was what lazy Saturday mornings were like in this household.." He was about to say something else but Aarav glared, stopping him from saying anything else that could ruin whatever this was turning into.

Tanya never realized that kissing Aarav would be even more than what she had imagined it to be, considering that she had ten years of ​imagining​ behind her. It was everything she had wanted and even more, the way his arms wound around her; how his fingers would gently brush against her waist, sliding underneath the shirt she was wearing, or how his lips moved with expert ease against her own, making her forget everything she'd ever known. At the sound of Rohan's voice, Tanya pulled away from Aarav. Her cheeks flushed and she got off his lap too, seating herself further away from him on the bed. She knew that Rohan would have a lot of taunts, but right now her heart was fluttering and blood was rushing to her ears and all she could think of was Aarav, so she would address ​that​ problem a different time. It was only when Rohan disappeared that Tanya let out a nervous laugh. "So..."

Aarav had banished Rohan with a look and was mildly proud of that little fact too, but that didn't change what had happened here, twice--and was definitely leading to so much more. He supposed it was a very good thing that they ​hadn't​ done anything before she changed, or else, they'd have probably still been on the floor, nothing covering either of them when Rohan walked in. Yes, this was ​much​ easier to handle. "So.." he repeated before he turned his entire body to face her. "I don't--regret it," he said quickly before taking a deep breath. "I just--God, if I fucked things up between us because of it, I'd never be able to forgive myself, it's just I'm feeling--" and he trailed off, right as he was about to tell her that he's been feeling things for her since that massage, since that class, for a long time now but he just didn't know if he could handle another rejection now. He knew this was Tanya though, which meant she'd been there with him through his heartbreaks but it didn't entirely take away his fear.

Tanya decided that she liked Aarav a lot more when he wasn't freaking out or rambling the way he was right now. It was why when she saw an opening that she surged forward and kissed him again. Maybe this time the door would ​stay​ closed. Oh god, if only he knew that she had wanted this for the longest time, that she'd never said anything because she knew that Aarav would not reciprocate her feelings especially since she was chubby and solely his best friend. How many times had she wanted to shut him up when he had been freaking out with a kiss? ​Countless​. And the fact that she was finally doing it made her heart flutter. "I don't regret it," she whispered, pulling away slightly. Tanya couldn't tell him how long exactly she'd been in love with him, so she wouldn't. Maybe he'd get over it soon enough, find some other girl to fall in love with.

Aarav was stunned. That was legit the best way he could actually express what he felt considering Tanya had just leaned in for another kiss that left him wanting so much more. She needed to stop finding his vulnerability and exploiting it the way she was. He wanted to reach forward for her but kept his hands to himself this time, knowing that they needed to control themselves until they could understand what exactly was happening between them; considering ​so​ much was at stake between them. He smiled at her words, reaching for her hand to grasp with both of his before he looked up at her. "You can shut me up like that--​any​ time you want,"

Tanya blushed, her cheeks coloring a soft baby pink - one that was incidentally similar to the fairy onesie that Ahaana was wearing today. She looked down at their hands, clearing her throat. "Well I might just take you up on that offer." What was happening to her? When had she gotten so flirty? ​Oh thank god, you finally grew a pair​, Raina's voice filtered in her ears once more and Tanya rolled her eyes. Her gaze however remained on their hands, her fingers playing with his before she looked up at him. "So what-- what is this?" There it was; the dreaded question she had never wanted to ask. "Because I just... I want what is best for Ahaana," Tanya covered up, hating how it sounded like she wanted to keep some distance between them. That was the ​​last​​ thing she wanted, but she was just afraid that he would break her heart.

Aarav smiled at her words, surprised that this was indeed Tanya Sen who was ​flirting​ with him. But he loved seeing the way she inched closer to him, their fingers together before he heard her question that startled him. He knew it was imperative that they talked about this so they didn't make a mess of their lives and of each other but he didn't want to risk it. He'd always invested ​far​ too much in relationships but with Tanya he had so much more at stake if he did dive in headfirst. "And I want the same thing," he whispered before smiling at her. "I'm her ​Baba, aur woh tumhe Mumma bulati hai,​ maybe that's--a sign for us to maybe see how this goes? You're the most important person to Ahaana and I don't want anything to take away from that."

Tanya smiled then, staring at him. Maybe this was good, maybe she would stop have to pretending she had absolutely no feelings for this man in front of her, because that had been absolute ​torture​ and a test of her acting skills. "Okay," she whispered, smiling. "Okay," Tanya reiterated, shaking her head. "Okay." This time she laughed before wrapping her arms around Aarav. Perhaps she'd attempted that with too much force because although she was now in his arms, he was lying down on the bed. There was a niggling voice in her head however, telling her that this was the worst idea she'd had. It told her that everything would come crashing down on her sooner or later.

Aarav wouldn't lie and say how adorable he found her when she kept saying ​'okay'​ as if this was something she'd wanted for a very long time and was trying to persuade herself to be cool. Maybe it was? He didn't know, especially considering he'd wanted this for a couple months now too, close to a year. He laughed when she hugged him, especially when the two of them ended up on the bed once more, her shirt having lifted up in the action. He leaned up to kiss her, loving that he could feel her smiling into the kiss and prayed that this would work out. If ​this​ worked out, all the time he'd spent with other women, investing into those relationships would be worth it because this was truly the first time he'd felt like it could actually work and they'd be a happy little family.

Tanya exhaled slowly as she stood at the bakery, tapping her foot and constantly glancing at her watch. She then switched to staring at her phone, waiting for some sort of message to pop up from Aarav considering that she was supposed to be at the apartment in less than ten minutes. Grabbing her order when it was called, Tanya nearly collapsed with relief before making the jog to Aarav's. Armed with donuts, Tanya only pushed open the door. "I come bearing donuts, and I'm so sorry I'm--" Her voice died in her throat at the sight of the one person she didn't want to see. Aditi Singhania, Ahaana's real mother.

Aarav had spent the last week of his life being deliriously happy. He hadn't actually been falling in love with Tanya because he'd realized that he'd always been in love with her, just too blind and oblivious to give it the right time asides from friendship. He'd just changed his little girl out from the night time onesie into just a t-shirt so she could crawl around the house in her diaper until her mother came home to give her a bath. They hadn't spent this week deciding or contemplating their future, deciding to let it take its own course the way the rest of the past had. And maybe that's why Aarav wasn't doing what he did best and messing it up. He'd heard the doorbell and frowned, wondering why she'd not be using her key. And that's when he scooped up his little baby girl and opened up the door--only to find Aditi Singhania on the other side, looking as if she'd been crying for days. She'd taken Ahaana in her arms and began kissing her all over, which only made Aarav extremely uncomfortable. He hadn't seen this woman now in just around two years and now he didn't know how to react. "Uh, come in, I guess." Was the first thing he said because there was a bit of a draft outside and he didn't want Ahaana to catch something. But while he watched the mother-daughter together he found himself feeling extremely uncomfortable and wondered why; especially when Aditi was Ahaana's birth mother. ​But she'd left her, which was almost giving up every right she had in calling Ahaana her daughter.​ Aarav sat a bit away from them, watching as Ahaana kept pointing at Aarav and finally took her in his arms, which had him sitting closer to Aditi now, listening to her story about how she'd been in a really dark place and hadn't wanted to give Ahaana up for adoption which was why she'd sent her over to Aarav, but she was better now and she wanted to see if maybe they could try again for the future Aarav had wanted with her. It was true, she was one of the first girls he'd actually wanted to marry, and had gone ring shopping as well, but he'd never actually purchased the ring--which was good considering how she'd broken his heart when she cut things off. But now, his heart was reminding him that he was with Tanya, he ​wanted​ to be with Tanya. And when she'd arrived, it had sped up, making him smile, until he realized just how she would perceive this situation. He tried to tell her telepathically, that nothing was resolved and she needed to listen but he could see the look on her face and wondered how this was going to go.

Tanya pursed her lips, her throat going dry at the sight of Ahaana playing comfortably in her birth mother's arms, and the way Aarav's arm was around Aditi too only served to further unsettle her heart. ​At least listen to him​, her heart pleaded and she knew that she should, part of her even wanted to listen - if not for her conscience which only smugly whispered a quiet ​Told ya so​. She cleared her throat, stepping inside and set the box of donuts on the center table. "Hi, I was just stopping by to see if Aarav was alright." Aditi gave her a pained smile, one that only worried Tanya. "And now that you have, you can go."

Aarav frowned when he heard Aditi's sharp tone at Tanya. She had no right to talk to her that way, none whatsoever and it bothered him. He took Ahaana out of Aditi's arms and held her while she squirmed some more. "​Mumma! Mumma paas!"​ And Aarav let her down, watching her waddle her way to Tanya, his heart aching at the sight of how the youngest in the room was so aware of what she needed and what ​she​ wanted, while Aarav was dumbstruck. Aditi was back, she wanted the life that he'd dreamed of. But Tanya was right there too, and she'd been nothing short of amazing with him when he'd desperately needed her. His life was up in the air, and while the rational choice was sitting right next to him, his heart begged to differ. Aditi was Ahaana's birth mother and giving her a stable family life was the most important thing, and besides--isn't that what Tanya also said she wanted for Ahaana?

Tanya felt her heart crack into a million pieces when this little girl's chubby arms wrapped around her legs. Despite Aditi's glares in her direction, Tanya picked Ahaana up in her arms, shaking her head. Her head felt heavy, eyes brimming with tears as she pointed to Aditi. "That's ​Mumma​," she whispered before exhaling. "I'm Tanya, you can call me T okay?" ​No, not okay​, her heart argued because Tanya was Ahaana's mother in all of the most important ways. She waited until Aditi had decided to go freshen up before making her way to the kitchen, hands wrapped around a mug of coffee. "So, she's back huh?" Tanya didn't ask the question she wanted to; she didn't want to ask where this left them, because she was terrified of the answer.

Aarav had shaken his head so softly when he heard Tanya tell Ahaana who her ​Mumma​ was because she was wrong. Aditi was someone who'd been selfish and ​left​ her daughter his doorstep because she was scared and stressed. Tanya had stepped up, despite having ​no​ reason to and had become Ahaana's mother. There was nothing anybody could say to take away. He heard her step into the kitchen a little later knowing that she'd kept Ahaana in her playpen before he turned to see her. He wanted to take her in his arms, pretend that this awkwardness didn't exist and everything was still how it was before but he couldn't. "Showed up this morning to make things right." His words weren't happy and she ​knew​ him which meant she'd realized it as well. "​Lekin tumne dekha na, Ahaana ke liye tum hi uski Mumma ho,​" It was a desperate way and a cowardly way for him to hold onto her, because if he said that, it really meant he couldn't let her go, for his sake and his daughters.

Tanya exhaled slowly, knowing that her next words were going to be tough, especially since she didn't believe in them ​​at all​​. She took Aarav's hands in hers, finally looking him in the eyes. They were the same height for once - she'd worn those nice ankle booties she'd seen for sale. "Remember when we-- started this, and I told you that I just want what's best for Ahaana?" A pause; Tanya gathered her thoughts. "Well ​mujhe lagta hai ki​ what's best for Ahaana is for her to bond with her birth mother because ​she's​ her real mother." Tanya dropped Aarav's hands then, stepping away from him. She'd need to get rid of everything that she'd slowly started leaving at his place over the past week, finding it much easier to just spend the night - even if they were woken at night by a crying baby.

Aarav couldn't help the crooked smile on his face when he caught her being eye level with him. He'd often teased her about her height even though he secretly loved it, especially when they were curled up on the couch together watching their daughter sleeping or even just playing. He felt her take his hands though and knew instinctively that this was going to be one of those talks he hated. And from the second she'd began--he knew what she was about to say. "It doesn't--" his words left unspoken because she was doing the rejecting just like every other woman before she had. Yes, Aditi had come back, but that didn't mean Aarav wasn't left hurting at this behavior. He pulled her back when she tried to leave the kitchen, their eye level being the same helped him when he decided to lean forward and kiss her. If she was backing away, if she was deciding that just because Aditi was back it meant Ahaana didn't need her anymore, then he wouldn't argue but he would kiss her so that she'd know just how much he couldn't bare to let her walk out of their lives.

Tanya froze against his lips when he kissed her before her instincts kicked in and she kissed him back, perhaps not with the same force that he was but she kissed him back. Her own hands sunk into his hair, molding the kiss into something softer, something she'd want to remember. She knew that he was going to try and use this kiss to convince her to stay. He didn't understand that she couldn't; she couldn't compete with Aditi because she knew she would lose. So she would use the kiss to tell him goodbye. Tanya pulled away eventually. "I'm sorry, I just-- I can't stay here when she's here.. and I can't ask her to leave. I can't do that to Ahaana. She's her mother Aarav, ​main sirf... sirf ek substitute thi tum sab ki zindagi main!​" That was a ​​lie​​. A blatant one at that. "I can't keep pretending."

Aarav closed his eyes when he heard her words and shook his head. "You're ​her​ mother Tanya! Ahaana ​ko tumhare siva aur kuch nahi pata.​" He tried to hold onto her, his hands reaching for her only to feel like she was pulling away from him again. "You've never been a substitute, you've always been so much more." But the reality was, he knew Tanya and he'd also been there every time she made a decision and there was never a time he couldn't remember her following through with it. If this was what she'd want, she was going to be walking out of their lives and his daughter might be reunited with her birth mother, but she was going to be losing her ​real​ mother and that ​killed​ him.

Tanya scoffed at his words, knowing that he wouldn't listen to her; she knew he would keep trying to insist on words that Tanya also knew to be true. But what she knew was that this was unfair on Aditi, the woman who was in that bedroom right now with Ahaana - and that she at least deserved a chance to have the happy family Tanya had for the past six months. "Frankly I'm tired Aarav," she started, her chest constricted at this lie. "I'm tired of always being here to save your ass, to give you the easy way out. I've been doing that since we've been children. ​Aur har baar tumne mera faida uthaya hai​," she spat, her heart breaking inside. "​Har baar. Aur iss baar bhi tum woh hi kar rahe ho​ because you're scared of it not working out with Aditi. I'm the ​​safe​​ choice for you." She set the mug back down, feeling pain course through every part of her. "I'm tired of it."

Aarav had never expected to hear ​these​ things from Tanya. Yes, he'd joked often about being a ​matlabi​ friend to her but she'd always laughed it off and reassured him that it wasn't true. Right now, he couldn't trust that old Tanya's words. She was saying everything he'd often thought about himself and knew she was telling the truth. He backed away so that he hit the counter across her in the kitchen and nodded, not trusting himself to be able to put together sentences that would work and actually make sense. "That's why you're leaving," he murmured before turning around and shaking his head. He'd done it. He'd successfully pushed out the one last person in his life that he'd believed would have been there with him through everything. He couldn't fault her though, for any of this. It all made sense and he should've truly known better. "You weren't my safe choice," he said finally. "You were a choice I made a long time ago, I just never realized what it meant--until now."

Tanya wished he hadn't said that; it only sprinkled salt on her already gaping wound. He wouldn't understand why she was doing this. He never would because he didn't know how long she'd actually been in love with him for. He would never know how she felt about him, how she ​really​ felt about him. Maybe for him this was just some flutters he wanted to experience but for her? It had been a lifetime of wishing finally coming true. Tanya wrapped her arms around herself before shaking her head. "You don't have to lie Aarav, we're just best friends. That's ​all​ we've ever been - what happened last week was just... It felt right to you because you had a baby, and I was there and I took care of ​your​ baby so you started associating me with... feelings that you have for Aditi. You know, the mother of your baby." Her voice cracked and Tanya buried her face in her hands before exhaling. "I have to leave." She grabbed her purse from off the counter and began walking towards the front door. ​Please stop me, please stop me​, she whispered to herself, waiting for it - a last ditch attempt to salvage this relationship but he never did. Tanya left her key on the coffee table and left the house, without a single goodbye to Aarav or to Ahaana.

Aarav shook his head when he heard her words. She thought he was lying. She ​actually​ believed that he was lying about her being his choice. And a few months ago, he'd have heard her words about why he'd started associating feelings with her, and believed her that maybe he was just being vulnerable and feeling like he needed someone there in that capacity in his life. But he didn't. He'd wanted to be with her for a reason and ​that​ was why he'd spent so much time fighting all his feelings off. He didn't say anything to her when she said she wanted to leave because he didn't want to be that person. He wanted to hold onto her, but if she was adamant on leaving--there was nothing left for him to say. He heard the keys on the coffee table and frowned while he stared out the window watching her to her car. His daughter was going to miss her, she wasn't going to take kindly to being abandoned, especially when they'd been together for the longest time. And as for Aarav? He'd never known how it would feel to watch her walk out of his life. It reminded him of that one time she'd said he'd be looking around and she wouldn't be there any longer; that was the reality he was going to be forced to face.

Tanya whined over the phone, stomping her feet. "​Ma​, that's not fair. I just came down to see you last weekend!" She huffed when the woman chattered some more and felt her irritation rise when it simmered just as quickly. A pair of arms came around her waist, nose nuzzling at neck and she sighed. "Okay fine, I'll bring Samar also. ​Theek hai na?​ I know him and ​Baba​ get on fantastically." She turned in Samar's grip, giggling when the man nipped at her nose. It had been three months since she'd walked out of Aarav's apartment that fated day, breaking off everything between them that had ever existed. ​​Three​​ months and Tanya was no closer to getting over him than she had been the day he'd taken Meghna Dheer to prom. Samar of course provided a distraction, but she could never be in love with him. Part of her had done it to spite Aarav, which was stupid considering that Aarav didn't even know. They hadn't as much as spoken since she'd spewed all those lies to him so he'd let her go. So she wouldn't allow him to break her heart - the eventuality of that relationship. "Are we going somewhere T?" Tanya only nodded, reaching up on her toes to kiss Samar. "We're going to see my parents, its the big family weekend they have once every four months." The biggest thing she was forgetting about this family weekend of course was that they always did it with the Roy's.

Aarav smiled when he caught Aditi bathing Ahaana, the little girl not really looking nearly quite as thrilled as she had whenever Tanya was playing with her during bath time, but at least Aditi was stepping up to the responsibility. It had taken her quite some time which had him taking a paid leave off work because she'd been so entirely lost while Rohan hadn't been any help. In fact, Rohan was upset with him for about three months now and Aarav didn't even know why. He'd been doing okay personally, now that he was at work and trying to resume the life he'd had before everything had gone to hell. Aditi had moved in, staying in his room while he'd taken to sleeping on an air mattress that he'd set up in the nursery. It was good for his daughter, the way Tanya had told him it should be but while Aditi was still trying to move ​their​ relationship along, Aarav wasn't quite ready. "Is our little princess ready for the big trip?" Ahaana was going to be meeting her grandparents finally an entire set of family members which would be pretty different for her. Aditi nodded before helping their daughter out of the tub and getting her dressed. Aarav was taking Aditi along, of course, considering she was Ahaana's mother but asides from hugs, and some kisses on the cheeks, they didn't share much and he didn't want to, especially just yet. "My parents are excited to see this little one," and that sparked enough for Aditi to start a random conversation, one that he tuned out considering his thoughts were on Tanya, wondering if he'd get to see her again this weekend. It was always a tradition for her and her family to join the Roy's for this family weekend but after everything that had transpired between them--he didn't know what to expect. But one thing he knew for sure, was that Ahaana was going to be thrilled to see her again--and that was most important.

Tanya clutched tightly onto Samar's hand once they entered the large dining hall in the Sen house. She could already hear her father coming over to them but Tanya's gaze was locked on Kiran and Suraj Roy who were standing in a corner talking to Aarav and cooing at Ahaana. Tanya's own heart banged. ​Ahaana​... She hadn't seen the little girl for three months and the only reason she hadn't let it affect her as it so obviously did was because of Samar's distractions. There had been a time when Tanya had wanted to save her first time for Aarav; that time had disappeared after she'd slammed the door in any future relationship they could have had. That of course wasn't to say that she'd had ​sex​ with Samar, because she hadn't. Something still didn't feel right. "I'll be right back," Tanya whispered to Samar, deciding she needed to say hi to the Roy family. Of course his hand tugged her back and he gave her a soft kiss, one that made her forget momentarily where she was. He was a good distraction that Samar; he kept her distracted enough from the fact that she was still desperately in love with Aarav.

Aarav had been quite happy with the fact that Aditi had chosen to come a little later, telling him that she had some work in the city before she'd come down to join the big weekend. He would be able to take care of his little girl on his own and plus it was about time that he did something on his own. He'd been watching his dad with his daughter when Tanya had walked in, clutching onto some other guy's hand. Aarav hadn't expected it to hurt him quite as much as it had but there it was. He hated seeing her with someone else and while he tried to keep his attention on his daughter, he couldn't. He watched her kiss this guy and missed the feeling of her lips on his own, her hands in his hair but now--things were different. She'd been the one to walk away and he couldn't really say anything anymore. He leaned against the wall watching her head towards them but before anyone could say any type of greeting--Ahaana had spoken for everyone. "​Mumma! Mumma jhappi!​" And despite himself, he found himself smiling at how she pulled herself from Suraj only to be taken into Tanya's arms, ​where she always belonged.​

Tanya sighed when Ahaana greeted her with the same ​Mumma​, sounding exactly the same as she did when she'd said it the first time. Taking Ahaana into her arms, she bounced the girl in her embrace, smiling when the baby gurgled and leaned forward to press a kiss to her forehead. "Hi uncle, how are you?" Suraj only smiled before catching her up on his business. That was when she felt Samar's arm wrap around her waist as his lips pressed against her hair. "Hey baby, who's this little princess?" Samar turned to Suraj then, "Samar Mehra," introducing himself with a handshake. Tanya paled then; she hadn't actually expected Aarav and Samar to ever come face to face with one another this entire weekend, wanting to keep them away from each other for as long as possible.

Aarav blanched at the sound of this guy coming up to her and calling her ​baby;​ so entirely unoriginal and plus how dare he call ​his​ daughter a little princess? Actually--the problem came when he introduced himself. It was Samar Mehra. The ​one​ guy in high school who'd made his life a living hell. Everything Aarav wanted, Samar tried to snatch away from him. Aarav had wanted to try out for the school play, then Samar had to try as well. Aarav was nominated for valedictorian, and Samar had to be nominated as well. Aarav was a top candidate for captain of the football team, then so as Samar. And now Samar had taken the one thing that ​meant​ the ​most​ to Aarav--Tanya. He held his hand out, trying to keep a passive smile on his face. "Hey Samar, I didn't expect to see you here out of all places," he looked at Tanya pointedly before holding his hands out for his daughter. He had nothing right now and he desperately needed to hold onto his little girl to remind him that at least ​she'd​ chosen him. Although if Aarav had been thinking rationally, he'd remember that even then--it wasn't entirely true.

Tanya furrowed her eyebrows at Aarav's look, not wanting to let go of Ahaana. He'd had the past three months with her, Tanya had ​just​ gotten to hold her. Still, she sighed and handed the girl back to Aarav, leaning into Samar's side. "To be honest, I didn't expect it either. Kinda always thought that you and Tanya had something going on, pretty sure half the high school thought you'd eventually get married." Samar laughed, and Tanya let out a short, breathless laugh, afraid of where this conversation was going. "Funny that you two never even dated. Lucky for me I guess, she's the best thing to happen to me. I'll see you at the table yeah babe? Your mom wants me to help set the table." "Mm-hm." Tanya waved to him before watching the way Suraj disappeared too, leaving her alone with Aarav - the one thing she feared.

Aarav nodded at Samar's words, trying to be as polite as possible but he didn't want to hear how Tanya and him were meant to get married, a part of him wished that could've been their reality. But he had to push those thoughts away especially considering how happy she seemed with Samar, who maybe had matured since high school. "Yeah, maybe our only relationship was meant to be friendship," he murmured before watching Samar leave while he looked at Tanya who still had her eyes on Ahaana especially when the little girl in question was attempting to pull Tanya closer. But he couldn't step closer to her, not now--not anymore. Instead, he'd just let Tanya hold Ahaana once more. "So--you and Samar huh? That didn't take you very long." Was he spiteful? Yeah. She maybe have been happy and that may have been something he wanted for her, but the fact that she'd just walked away--it killed him.

Tanya took Ahaana into her arms, the smile reappearing on her face. Of course, it dropped just as quickly at the harsh tone she could hear in his voice. "Uh, it's not-- It's nothing serious," she defended but then paused. Why was she trying to defend her relationship with Samar to Aarav? Didn't Aarav already have a readymade ​wife​? "Where's your girlfriend?" And maybe if she'd slipped some malice into her tone as well, none would be the wiser. She rocked Ahaana in her arms, bouncing the girl who only giggled, playing with Tanya's hair which had grown longer in the past three months. "How--How have you been?" There, maybe they could try to be civil.

Aarav raised an eyebrow at her words before shrugging. "You brought him to the family weekend Tanya, I'm sure he's thinking wedding next fall." He grabbed one of the bottles of beer that were being served and swigged it down. At the mention of Aditi being his girlfriend, though, he had to smile. The truth was, he wasn't her boyfriend, nor did he want to be but that ​was​ exactly what Tanya wanted for him so he'd give her the answer she wanted. "She's still in the city, coming down tonight or tomorrow." But the moment he'd seen Ahaana smiling and giggling in Tanya's arms, he couldn't hold onto his anger, no matter how much it simmered inside him. "It's been hard," Aarav whispered quietly before shrugging. "But it's fine, had to happen at some point right? What about you? How have things been?"

Tanya nearly blurt it out then. ​I don't want to be here with Samar. I want to be here with you!​ She pulled herself together at the last moment and nodded politely at his words. "A fall wedding would be nice I suppose," she retorted, her voice oozing with charm. She knew that it would hurt him and for some reason, Tanya really wanted to. She wanted him to feel the same pain that she'd felt all those years she'd been in love with him. All those years she'd seen those girls come and go from his apartment. Of course at his admission, even her armour cracked and she shifted closer to him so their shoulders were brushing. "Oh no, ​kuch hua kya?​" Her conscience groaned. Why did she always have to be the saint? "Me? Oh, things have been fine I guess. I got dropped from my law firm." This was followed by a weak laugh, and her rocking of Ahaana got a lot less enthusiastic.

Aarav forced himself to smile and nodded. "The colors of fall would look beautiful in your wedding..actually, ​you'd​ look absolutely gorgeous." It hurt him to imagine her wedding. It hurt to think she'd be walking down an aisle, only to become Samar's wife. ​Mrs. Tanya Mehra.​ She couldn't do that to him. ​She could, and she will. You deserve that and every bit of pain you feel.​ Aarav shook his head at her concern. This wasn't allowed anymore. She couldn't have this concern for him anymore, she'd wanted out and he couldn't reel her back in with saying anything anymore. Instead he chose to listen her this time. "Why did you get dropped? You were one of the top lawyers at your firm. What--what happened?"

Tanya shrugged then, not even Ahaana's toothless smile enough to make her grin. "Guess after what happened at your apartment that day... I was just distracted." She wouldn't tell him that she had of course jeopardized her entire career to spend time with Ahaana and him. She would constantly cut her shift back, or make excuses; she would be nodding off at meetings and once she'd fallen asleep at a deposition! She wouldn't tell him that she had actually been fired the day she'd come home with donuts only to find Aditi in the one place that Tanya had always thought would be hers. "They thought I'd be better suited to a different firm. I've been on and off with jobs since then. Samar was my client for some firm I did a background check for two months ago."

Aarav knew he had no right to ask anything more. He'd done this to her. He'd taken his smartest best friend who was well on her way to becoming a top-notch lawyer and ruined her. "I'--I'm sorry." He nodded before reaching forward to tuck Ahaana's hair behind her ear. "But I mean, at least--it helped you find Samar, so I guess there's one positive." Oh, it absolutely ​​killed​​ to say that because he wasn't thinking that was at all any type of positive but he couldn't say those words to her. Instead, he just looked around the room, noting how people were watching them with curiosity. "I'm glad you came. Ahaana really missed you." ​I really missed you too..​

Tanya turned to look at him, her eyebrows furrowed and lips puckered in a frown. "Why are you sorry?" Her voice was hushed and she noted out of her periphery, all the looks that were being thrown in their direction. Tanya wanted to tell them that there was nothing they should have been looking at with such suspicion but she knew that would be a lie, especially considering how she was looking at Aarav right now, with that three o'clock shadow on his face, and her heart was fluttering once again.

Aarav had known that Aditi arriving here would be good for her and for his family considering how she just seemed to mesh well with most people she met. ​Except Tanya, considering how she spoke to her.​ But that was common in every girl he'd been with no matter how long or short the time was. They'd all been horrible with Tanya and ultimately that had been one of the reasons even he hadn't wanted to be with them, no matter how much it hurt him to have another failed relationship. Of course, right now he was missing out on one of his favorite traditions of the weekend. A boat trip out to a nearby island before watching the fireworks and light show. Ahaana was feeling down and so, of course, he was home with her, choosing to force everyone else to go because even the time alone would be good for him, what he didn't know until he ventured downstairs while his daughter napped was that Tanya had stayed back as well. "You didn't go? I thought you'd want to spend all your time with Samar." He didn't say it with a hint of malice because with all the time he saw Samar and her together, her smiles were just as beautiful as he remembered and that reassured him that she was happy with this relationship and he wanted that for her.

Tanya looked up from where she had been flipping the channels of the television before shrugging. "Nah, thought I'd take this time to myself. Mom's always hogging the tv anyways so ​maine socha ki aaj main karti hoon​. Besides, the boat trip? That's always been our thing Aarav, I'm not going to share that with Samar." Her eyes widened at the words that had just slipped out and once again her cheeks flushed (the way they always did around him). She bit down on her bottom lip, leaning her elbows on her knees while pretending to be ​very​ interested in some lame ​saas-bahu​ drama that was playing on the TV.

Aarav heard her words before nodding, he remembered the first time he'd been ​so​ seasick on the boat and had been focusing on her to get him through it. And since that time, it had been something they'd always do together. But as quietly as she'd said it, it made him feel so much better to know she thought of it as ​their​ thing. He took a seat next to her, ensuring to keep ample distance because while he may not have been in a real relationship with Aditi, from the looks of it--her relationship with Samar was real and Aarav couldn't be the one who ruined that for her. "​Tu--tum khush ho na?[/i" The question spilled from his mouth before he'd realized but he still needed to know her answer. ​Even if she's not, it doesn't matter,​ his conscience reminded him. Especially considering that she'd taken one look at Aditi and decided to walk away from him, for good.

Tanya decided to scootch in closer to Aarav; they were best friends after all, and she knew that he hadn't really felt anything for her. It had just been familiarity for him. For Tanya, that week was still known as the best week of her life. She stuffed a few kernels of popcorn in her mouth before shrugging at his question. Was she happy? "I'm distracted," was what she decided on, leaning back to rest her head on his shoulder. Why she felt his shoulders tense up, Tanya had no idea. He didn't have any feelings for her, did he?

Aarav didn't understand why she was scooting in closer to him. It didn't make sense considering how she was the one who walked away from him. ​You're always going to be friends, nothing would take away from that.​ And so he watched her shrug before explaining how she felt. Distracted in his opinion wasn't exactly the right way to be, but he figured he'd lost the right to say anything. But when Tanya lay her head against his shoulder, he felt extremely vulnerable once more. His stiffened but still raised his hand to wrap around her shoulders allowing her to rest her head against his chest instead. "Why do you need to be distracted, especially--using a relationship to do it? ​Tum pehle kabhi aisi nahi thi. Waise--​I thought you promised I'd be allowed to decide if he was good enough for you?" And Samar Mehra, definitely wasn't good enough for ​his​ Tanya.

Tanya shifted comfortably in his embrace, resting her head against his chest and adjusting herself slightly. From this angle she could hear Aarav's heartbeat, the erratic thumping of it. ​Erratic​, that was odd. Tanya frowned before deciding it was probably nothing. She was probably reading too much into it. The same way she had read too much into their relationship which then hadn't even lasted that long. She had just been about to answer his question when she heard Ahaana crying. "I'll go check on her," Tanya excused herself, running up the stairs. Once Ahaana was in her arms, and soothed she murmured a soft word of gratitude to the little girl. She didn't want to answer Aarav's question; didn't want to tell him that she wanted to be distracted so she wasn't reminded that she was in love with him.

Aarav knew it wasn't right anymore for them to be this close. It had been different before when she hadn't been attached and Aarav hadn't either. They could allow themselves to seek the familiarity and the closeness together but now it was crossing a line that they couldn't go near, not when she was in love with another man. It made him question if the love they'd shared that week had been real, but deep in his heart, he had the answer. It had been. Tanya would never have been that close with him, choosing to shut him up with those addictive kisses of hers if she hadn't felt the same as he had. ​But then why had she walked away?​ Aarav had no answer and so he chose to say nothing. When he felt her pull away, though, running up to Ahaana, he ended up going after her. He'd been glad that he was given a room where he was connected to Ahaana's nursery through a door connecting the two rooms. But Tanya had gone in through the adjoining room which left the room to his own room open. So he stood there in the doorway, watching Ahaana with her true ​Mumma​, finally feeling like the world was on it's way to becoming right once more.

Tanya had been soothing Ahaana back to sleep when she noticed Aarav in the doorway and gave him a small smile. For a millisecond, it felt as if they were back to who they had been when he had first asked her to help him, and all those months that followed. "She looks just like you when she's sleeping," Tanya confessed after having put Ahaana down and closing the door to the nursery so she and Aarav were both in his room. "Same scrunched up nose, same careless abandon, and same habit of sleeping with your jaw open." She chuckled, remembering how in that week they'd been dating, she'd tried so hard in the mornings to push his jaw shut and eventually given up, deciding instead to wake him up with kisses. Tanya sighed at the memory, feeling her shoulders get slightly heavier.

Aarav smiled back at her, loving the fact that the only person who could really calm his daughter had been Tanya. In fact, he'd only realized it the week after she'd left him. Ahaana had been teething and she'd been crying all through the night and much of the day as well. He'd tried, Rohan had tried and while Aditi had as well, Aarav had called Tanya, desperately seeking her help, because the truth was, only she'd been the one to be able to calm his daughter down in a way that no one else could. Once Ahaana had fallen back asleep, he'd moved back so Tanya could step into his room with him. His own door had been closed as well which meant that after a very long time, the two of them were in a room together. He heard her talk about how he and his daughter were similar and had to resist the urge to tell her how growing up with Tanya, had caused Ahaana to adopt some of her habits as well, especially ​twirling her hair.​ Tanya did it when she was stressed, but Ahaana would do it because she wanted to be like her ​Mumma.​ "Can I ask you something?" He frowned, taking a seat on the window bench before looking up at her, the tension in his eyes extremely evident. "Why did you leave? Why did you just think I'd jump at the chance to be with Aditi--and not you?"

Tanya exhaled slowly, the look in his eyes was only serving to make her more nervous. Her hand immediately went to her hair as she twirled it between her fingers, wondering if she should just tell him. "Aarav I---" No, she couldn't. She couldn't do it. He'd think she was a complete psycho and then want nothing to do with her. She was with Samar, she couldn't tell him the truth as if she were a single woman! "I've been in love with you since we were sixteen, and you never were no matter how much I wished you'd be!" Tanya gasped at what had just fallen from her lips and immediately covered her mouth, turning away from him as she muttered about how she had to leave, but she felt rooted to the ground, watching her trainwreck of a life.

Aarav had to smile at the way she twirled her hand, about to tell her how Ahaana did it often now too but she spoke and so he just stared at her, waiting to hear what she wanted to say. He could see it in her eyes, she was struggling with something and he wanted to rid her of that feeling, she didn't deserve to deal with whatever it was that was bothering her. But as soon as he heard her words, he found it hard to breathe. How could she? Since they were sixteen, that was--years ago. But it was the last part of her words that had him shell-shocked. He stood when she said she was going to leave and held her hand in his. "How could you say I never was? What did you think that was--right before you left? Did you think I just wanted you because I needed companionship? Tanya ​main tumse pyaar karne laga tha,​ I don't know from when but I realized it--that morning when you'd showered in my bathroom. You--were ​always​ the most important person in my life, and when you walked away, not even trusting the fact that I'd have chosen you, and not Aditi--it broke my heart. And it was the ​last​ rejection I could ever take." He had more to say, but he wasn't--allowed to. She had moved on, she was with Samar now.

Tanya shut her eyes when she felt his fingers enclose around her wrist, turning her to face him. At his words however, she felt a soft squeak escape her. A squeak that she needed to reel in before she started to sob. So Tanya did the only thing that made sense to her in that moment - she surged forward, her lips finding his as she kissed him. In that kiss, Tanya found everything that she had been missing, everything that she had been looking for in those three months that she'd been without Aarav. It had always been him, and Tanya had been fooling herself otherwise.

Aarav kissed her back when he felt her crash into him. His hands were at her waist, until one wrapped around her back so that he could pull her closer in. Until he remembered that there was a six feet tall man in her life, one that she claimed to love and perhaps this right now--was just her wanting to distract him and because of how familiar it was. He pulled away, looking at her before moving her hair back from her face. "You're--you're with him." Aarav closed his eyes and hated himself for saying it out loud, reminded the two of them of why they couldn't go ahead and do this anymore. "I just--I miss you so much," he whispered, making sure she remained close to him and didn't try to run off.

Tanya too shut her eyes when he did at the reminder that she was with Samar. "I'm distracted with him. I'm distracted because I try to keep my mind from coming back to you Aarav, that's where it lives. It lives with you. I wake up, I'm thinking of you. I go to bed, I'm thinking of you. Anything I do, I'm always-- ​always​ thinking of you." She leaned back against the wall, hitting her head against it with a sigh. "I'm with him so I stop thinking about you-- it never works." Tanya looked up at him, eyes wide and hopeful.

Aarav closed his eyes when he heard her words. Why was she making this so damn difficult? He loved her, and she loved him. ​But was it really love? Don't jump ahead of yourself Roy.​ But when he saw her move away from him, he reached out, but chose not to touch her yet. However, at her words, he found himself unable to resist it. He ended up coming closer, locking her into the wall before smiling at her. "Nothing works," he murmured, "no matter what you try or how hard you try." But he didn't touch her, he chose to hover just in front of her, not quite letting any part of their body touching, mainly because he knew she wasn't going to push him away, she wasn't going to run this time. She couldn't.

Tanya whimpered when he locked her up against the wall. She groaned, wanting to reach for his shirt but somehow he'd managed to place himself in such a way that he was both close yet far. "​Nothing​," she agreed. It had led to some extremely awkward makeout sessions with Samar, when she'd bit down on her lip so hard it drew blood - all so she wouldn't call out Aarav's name instead of Samar's. It had been worse when she had woken up in a cold sweat from a ​very​ conflicting dream. She couldn't remember much except for the sense of pleasure and then Aarav looking up at her from under the sheets. Something inside Tanya cracked and she grabbed at his jeans, fingers curling into the belt loops as she pulled him to her, her lips against his once more.

Aarav had to smile his crooked smile when he managed to elicit such a sinful sounding groan from her lips without even touching her yet. He knew everyone in the house was going to be gone for the night and majority of the day tomorrow which meant there wouldn't be anyone overhearing or walking in and they were virtually alone. He'd been thinking all that when he felt Tanya pull him closer using his belt hoops, making his lips smile a little more when they collided with hers. He couldn't hold back either and allowed his hands to unbutton her shirt, getting stuck at one point and just tugging it a little harder, hearing the broken button fall to the ground before he carried her towards the bed. Aarav had resisted for the week they'd been together, but now the separation had taken its toll on him and he couldn't be without her, he ​needed​ her.

Tanya felt a strange surge of panic run through her when he placed her on the bed. Could she do this? After all those years of practically saving herself for Aarav like some desperate nun, would she finally have sex with Aarav Roy? What if he wasn't good at it? ​Please​, her conscience snorted and Tanya got rid of that thought the second she felt his lips at her neck, igniting every single sleeping nerve in her body. She arched up to him, hands in his hair as she allowed him to peel off the layers of clothing on her. Tanya had spent years dreaming of this day, of when Aarav Roy would finally take her virginity and it was finally upon her. Of course she wished it were under better circumstances, but she didn't mind this. His lips came down on hers once again, and ​oh she definitely didn't mind this at all.​

Aarav didn't think she realized just how much pressure he'd put on himself when he'd placed her on the bed. He hovered over her, his lips kissing down every inch of her exposed skin. But he could feel her stiffen for a moment and was about to pull away until he felt her arch into him, her fingers tugging into his hair reminding him of their first kiss on his bedroom floor with her clad in ​just. a. towel.​ A part of him had been terrified of living up to whatever expectations she may have from him considering she'd been in love with him for so long, specially now that he knew she had Samar to compare him to.

Tanya let out a breathy moan of his name when she felt him push into her, her hands clutching at his shoulders, grip tightening as she exhaled slowly. The painful feeling slowly dissolved into something much more ​pleasurable​ and she moaned softly, so thankful that the entire family would be gone for the night and most of the next day so their only worry would be to wake up the baby. Out of her periphery she glanced at the baby monitor but it didn't blink so Tanya decided that they were in the clear. She let her eyes shut when he kissed her again, this time violins playing the background, a display of fireworks in the distance. It was everything she'd ever imagined and even ​more​. It was ​​perfect​​.

Aarav pulled away from her once they were done and he'd heard her breathless little moans of his name but continued holding her close. He didn't want to let go of her now, not ever. He pressed his lips against hers once more before snuggling closer, his arms winding around her waist. He wanted to ask her if she was okay, he wanted to make sure he hadn't hurt her, but instead he stayed quiet, just thankful to be having this moment with her--even when he remembered Samar in the situation ​once again.​ With a sigh, he tilted her so that she was on her back while she looked up at him. "​Tum--theek ho na?​" He whispered before kissing her closed eyelids once more before cradling her body close to his, resting his own head in the crook of her neck.

Tanya craned her neck slightly so that she could press a kiss to his hair and her own arms came around him. "​Theek hoon​, I mean considering that was my first time," she murmured the last part, her cheeks flushing. It was so disgustingly sappy, but she had wanted it to be him and now that it was - she felt relieved. She was relieved that she'd lost it to the only guy she had ever wanted. The ​first​ and only guy she'd ever dreamed of doing anything with and she'd gathered some pretty good source material over the years. The topic of Aarav Roy was quite common in the girls' locker room.

Aarav was stunned. "Your first time?" He asked, with his voice dropping many notes before he came closer to her once more. "You--all this time?" He ​was​ mainly referring to her relationship with Samar and how she hadn't slept with him. But really to know that he was her first time, it made him feel incredibly good. Her words about being in love with him since they were sixteen just made him realize that maybe in some strange way--she'd been waiting for him. "I don't want to be without you Tanya," he closed his eyes and sighed before swallowing, surprised at how open he was becoming with her. "I've been feeling like I've fallen in love with you so long ago and having to spend even just these three months without you--were horrible." Aarav Roy ​had​ to stop watching these stupid romantic movies late at night when he couldn't sleep, it was turning him into a sap.

Tanya giggled at his words. "Oh? Aarav Roy is saying this? ​Ya phir Aarav Roy ke andar Karan Johar ka bhoot?​" She shrieked when she felt his hands at her sides, tickling her and she kicked around as his arms wrapped around her waist. "Okay, okay stop." Tanya was out of breath, her entire face red before she turned to look at at Aarav, her hands resting on his bare chest, feeling his heartbeat go unsteady at her touch. "I love you. I will never ​stop​ loving you Aarav." She kissed him then, smiling into it.

Aarav had never been this happy. That one week with Tanya before everything went to pieces, had been nothing compared to how he felt now. He'd already managed to have the difficult conversation with Aditi and had helped her move into a small apartment, her having told him how she still didn't feel ready to be a mother and was rather happy to relinquish all her rights as Ahaana's mother. Everything was working out, and that made him feel like everything was right with the world. He met Tanya outside her apartment building, smiling when he felt her arms wind around her neck while his own were on her waist. "Ahaana's with the sitter tonight," he whispered, mainly because Rohan was also home and he didn't feel right to bring Tanya over when the other man still hadn't been told about this relationship he was embarking on with Tanya. "Hurry," he wrapped his arms around her waist from behind her while she worked on unlocking her front door.

Tanya might have already been slightly tipsy when she met Aarav outside her apartment. It hadn't been her fault; there had been some fundraiser at the law firm she now worked at, and maybe she'd gone a little harder than necessary on the glasses of bubbly. Of course, it was when she had gotten Aarav's text that she realized this night could get a lot more eventful than she had initially planned. "I'm trying," she whispered, missing the lock again and she giggled. At Aarav's impatience though, Tanya tried to focus and finally got the key into the lock, tugging him inside with her. Her lips were at his neck, hands working at his shirt, giggling against his skin when she nearly ripped off a button. "I missed you," she mumbled against his lips, allowing him to press her up against the wall.

Aarav happily let her drag him in, feeling rather ​wanted​ with the way she was already trying to rid him of his shirt. This expensive shirt of his was now missing a couple buttons which had him rather amused. "I miss you too," he whispered before switching them around and pushing her up against the wall, his own hands pushing up the silk blouse she was wearing, loving how hot her skin felt to his fingers. The lights turned on suddenly and he pulled away for a second, wondering if he'd pushed her against the switchboard, but apparently there was nothing behind her. "Uh?" he looked at Tanya but instead, he looked up and saw her looking at something behind him with a very peculiar expression on her face. "What? What's up?" He let his lips press against her neck, trying to get her attention back.

Tanya squeezed her eyes shut momentarily when she felt his lips at her neck and her mouth dropped slightly to let out an inaudible moan. When her eyes opened, Samar was still standing there and she realized that she wasn't in fact in a dream, but this was reality. She knew she had to push Aarav off her, to try and make it seem like it wasn't what it was but he was just so damn ​good​ with his mouth that Tanya only smiled at Samar, giving him a wink. "What the hell?" His voice echoed in the apartment and that's when she felt Aarav pull away. "Well this is awkward," Tanya muttered, staring down at her heels. She'd been hoping she could avoid this situation altogether. "I thought you were busy tonight!" "I cancelled my plans so we could hang out. But obviously you had better things to ​do​." Tanya flinched at the insinuation and her hand reached for Aarav, before wondering if she didn't have the right to.

Aarav heard another man's voice and pulled away from Tanya, looking behind him to see Samar Mehra standing there in Tanya's apartment, looking incredibly upset and like he wanted to punch Aarav out, causing him to end up on the floor. He looked between Tanya and Samar, realizing that she hadn't yet broken up with him, making him wonder why she hadn't done it yet. Tanya reached for him and he easily slotted into her side, giving her the support she needed against her three-month-old boyfriend. "Look Samar, I guess she just wasn't ready to say that she wanted to break up with you, but I mean--" he looked at Tanya, waiting for her to agree so that he wasn't making her decision for her.

Tanya turned to look at Aarav at the way he stood up for her, how he knew what she needed without her even having to say it. His hand in hers gave her the courage that she needed. "I want to break up with you Samar, I'm sorry." She didn't even have to look at him to know that his face was already scrunched up in anger. "Is that why you dated me? So you could get with him? ​God​ Tanya, at least when you were ​​fat​​ you were nice, and not obsessed with getting Aarav Roy. Oh wait, you were still obsessed with him, the difference was you ​knew​ he'd never go for you because you weighed the size of three cheerleaders!" Tanya flinched at his accusation and her newfound confidence waned, her hand falling out of his as she wrapped her arms around herself.

Aarav hadn't expected that when he came to Tanya's apartment today that he was going to end up in a physical fight. But when he'd heard the venom Samar was spitting out at them, he couldn't control it. He moved away from Tanya and punched Samar square on the mouth. "This woman has always been the nicest person ever and if your sorry little ego couldn't handle the fact that she doesn't want to be with you, that doesn't mean you go ahead and insult her like this!" He was about to turn back to Tanya but instead--Samar still had his strength and pulled him towards him before punching him a lot more than Aarav had which ended up with him on the floor, bleeding out, and of course being entirely ridiculed in front of the woman he was falling irrevocably in love with.

Tanya buried her face in her hands when the boys started fighting. This was not what she had wanted. Maybe it would have been better to just stay chubby and invisible. She couldn't deal with this. Tottering over to them in her heels, she pushed them apart. "Stop ​fighting​!" Her chest heaved with the effort it took to say those words, and she glared at the two of them. "This is about what ​I​ want, not about what either of you deserve! ​Tum dono ne kabhi mujhse poocha ki main kya chahti hoon? Nahin, sirf assume kar liya!​" She crossed her arms, glaring at them. "Out," she pointed to the door, "I want both of you out of my apartment."

Aarav decided that she was being completely unreasonable with both of them, but left anyways. If she believed that Aarav ​still​ couldn't understand what she wanted, he wasn't going to push it anymore. He'd go back into his world, and wait for her. If she decided that she'd wanted to be with him, he'd be there and if she decided that maybe Samar was the better, more practical option--he'd understand that too. He understood what it was, the fact that it had taken him so long to accept his love for her when she'd been in love with him for so long, showed him to be an incredibly selfish shallow asshole, and after hearing Samar put it into words, maybe she thought that same way too. And so he collapsed on the couch in his own home, allowing himself the one night to not keep it all together. By the next morning, he was snoring away, a six pack of beer on the floor all emptied out in front of him.

Tanya ended up outside Aarav's apartment the next morning itself, her own head pounding slightly from the drinking she'd done the night prior. She banged against the door, slamming it multiple times before she was finally greeted to the sight of Rohan. "What have you done to him?" Tanya furrowed her eyebrows, looking at him in confusion. "He's all ​lovesick​." Some strange warmth went through Tanya at the thought that he was still in love with her, despite the tantrum she'd thrown last night, despite the fact she hadn't broken up with Aarav. Yet she had some questions and so pushing past Rohan with a unsavory expression she poked at Aarav, holding her nose at the stench of liquor that surrounded him. "Aarav," she murmured softly before eventually kicking him. "Aarav!"

Aarav was annoyed when he felt Rohan poking him awake. Yes he was on the couch and not in his bedroom but really that wasn't this big a deal, and at least--Aarav was still wearing all his clothes. But he was kicked too, and he knew Rohan would never resort to that and so he looked up, and that's when he saw Tanya standing on top of him. "Am I dreaming? I thought you decided you don't want to see me anymore. Oh wait, ​tum toh Ahaana se milne aayi hogi na?​" He gestured for her to go straight through to the nursery before hunching over, his head pounding like crazy.

Tanya huffed when he disregarded her and she got off the couch, not even apologetic about her heels had probably punctured a hole in the leather. She looked around for something when Rohan conveniently handed her a glass of water, a glass which Tanya dumped on Aarav's head. "No ​kam akkal​, I'm here to talk to you!" She huffed once more, feeling a lot like the big bad wolf, crossing her arms. "I want to talk about last night." There was silence - well save for Rohan eating cereal. Tanya wheeled her head to look at him, anger evident in her eyes. "I'll just leave you two alone," was all he said before disappearing into the bedroom.

Aarav had been watching her, a little sleepily which was why he had poor reflexes even when he watched his own friend hand her the glass of water that ended up on his head. "What the hell Tanya?!" Of course, then he realized his voice could wake up their little girl and so he glared at her, unable to understand why exactly she wanted to talk about last night. He continued staring at her with curiosity while Rohan looked thoroughly amused which annoyed him greatly. But then, of course, Tanya got rid of him so they went back to their staring game. "You made yourself very clear last night," he murmured before itching for some coffee, deciding that if they were about to have another one of their famous arguments--he needed some caffeine.

Tanya could spot him trying to leave and so she sat down right in front of him, positioning herself on the coffee table. "I want to make myself even ​clearer​." It was then she looked down at her hands, deflating slightly. "I was thinking about what Samar had said last night... About me." Tanya glanced up at Aarav, her expression a whole lot more vulnerable than before. "Do you--- Do you only like me now because I'm ​pretty​? If this whole thing had happened all over again, but I was still chubby, would you still have shown an interest-- would you still have liked me like you do now?"

Aarav found his heart lurching at her words. She sounded like the old Tanya he'd been friends with since they were children. And it broke his heart to think she didn't believe that he'd have liked her when she looked different like before. Didn't she know that Aarav wouldn't have even been friends with her if the size and shape of her body bothered him? With a sigh, he reached over and took her hand in his, hoping she wouldn't snatch it away without listening to him. "No matter if you ended up gaining 50 points right now, or ended up shrinking some more, I'd still love you." Taking a deep breath he shrugged, "I fell in love with you because I could finally see you and your personality up close and personal. ​Tum jitni caring ladki maine aaj tak nahi dekhi.​ Your heart is so big and filled with love for everyone, no matter who it is." Aarav used his free hand to gently rest against her cheek when he spoke again. "I was an idiot in school, focused on all the other girls, that I didn't realize all I'd ever needed--was you."

Tanya let her eyes shut when she felt his hand on her cheek, resting her own hand atop his. "Yeah, you were an idiot," she reiterated, laughing at the scandalized expression on Aarav's face. Moving off the coffee table, Tanya dusted the lint off her skirt before taking a seat next to him on the couch. "I guess I knew that, I knew that you loved me but I was just scared because well-- It felt too much like a dream. The boy I've been pining after for the better part of my life suddenly likes me back? ​Aisa lag raha tha ki bhagwan​ was playing a joke on me you know?" Tanya turned her cheek to kiss him when she caught a whiff of his liquor breath and blanched. "Yeah go shower, then I'll think about kissing you."

Aarav nodded at her words, he could understand why it would feel like a bad joke or something even if he knew in his heart that it was nothing of the sort. "We rushed into this both times too quickly, and so if you need time to really--think it through, I'm okay with that." He stood when she told him to go showe with a grin before turning back from the hallway. He wanted to tell her that Samar was probably the better option for her since he wasn't a father already and forcing her into adapting into the mother's role right off the bat; plus Aarav could tell that the other man really was falling in love with her. Instead he just leaned against the wall and smiled. "I don't want you to make a choice that you're not 100% confident on. So think about it," he turned on his heel to head into his bedroom, knowing that if his daughter woke up, she'd have her ​Mumma​ there to take care of her.

Tanya frowned at his words, putting unnecessary pressure on her bottom lip, worrying it. She stood up, following after him into the bedroom; her fingers wrapped around his wrist, tugging her back to him. "I've had ​time​ ever since I was sixteen Aarav. This is the ​only​ choice that I'm a hundred percent sure of." Her eyes met his, hoping that she could see the honesty in them. "I don't want to think about it anymore, I've always wanted ​​you​​. I'm not going to start wanting anybody else now, you're stuck with me."

Aarav had just finished tossing his fresh clothes on the bed, realizing just how foul he was smelling thanks to his night of tossing back a few too many bottles of beer. But he just grabbed his towel when he was pulled back by her. Aarav smiled at her words though, wondering if she could see just how happy they made him. "I'm never stuck with you," he murmured wishing he could kiss her, but didn't because she was right--he smelt terrible. "Since you were sixteen huh? ​Kabhi kuch kaha kyun nahi?​" But at the same time, he was glad she hadn't considering if she had--he'd have never been given the gift of his daughter.

Tanya raised an eyebrow at him. "​Tumhe kuch kehti? Tu duniya ka sabse bada dil phek aashiq tha​. I saw you go through girl after girl after girl and you came back worse for wear every time. I was your best friend Aarav, it was my job to be your shoulder to cry on, not to be the girl who you dated." And Rohan had certainly reminded her of that enough times too, forcing Tanya to build up a barrier around her heart so strong that nobody had managed to penetrate it except for Ahaana, subsequently letting Aarav in too. "​Agar main kuch kehti, humari dosti​ ruin​ ho jaati​."

Aarav shook his head at her words. "You know it wasn't entirely like that. Yes I was an asshole and a ​dil phek aashiq,​ but that didn't mean I wouldn't have seen you for who you were." But when he heard her words about ruining their friendship, he couldn't help but laugh. "Nothing could ruin this. I mean Tanya, you've been there in my ​​worst​​ moments ever, and that means nothing could've touched us." He took her hand though, deciding whether or not he should just leave with those words. "But Tanya, maybe this was meant to take this long. ​Agar hum yeh sab pehle karte--toh shayad meri zindagi mein Ahaana nahi aati, aur phir tum bhi nahi aati wapas aise.​ Reconnecting this way with you, just meant so much to me."

Tanya smiled at his words before she let her eyes shut as she leaned forward, meeting his lips for a gentle kiss, the kind of first kiss every girl ever dreamed about. Sure, her first kiss with Aarav had been ​magnetic​ and ​passionate​ on the floor of his bedroom but it wasn't like this. It wasn't soft, and romantic and all the things that Tanya had dreamed of after reading her romance novels. "I love you Aarav Roy, and I love our little girl. So will you," she paused, getting down on one knee, "will let be a part of this family? I promise to love Ahaana, to take care of her and raise her to be a smart young girl. I promise to love you more and more every single day, and to always be with ​​you​​."

Aarav had his lips puckered to kiss her back softly when he felt her lean forward. Although, her words from earlier, and the fact that he still had ​'beer breath'​ made him laugh for a moment when he backed away from her. He was about to reiterate his feelings towards her, but she suddenly lowered herself to the marble floor and he was a bit stunned. He knew women always said the reasons for their utter surprise and shock was because this was something they'd never expected and unfortunately--Aarav knew exactly what they meant. He was still looking down at Tanya in complete surprise, before remembering how hard that floor really was. And so he sat down and helped her over to him so that while he was seated cross-legged, she could be more comfortable on top of him. "You're already a part of his family," he whispered before leaning in to kiss her nose. "Ahaana's been yours from the moment she had her fingers wrapped around your hair." And that's when he told her about all the little things that Ahaana had embodied from Tanya even in the short time they'd spent together. "So really, what I need to ask you, is to let me make it official. ​Akhir lawyer ho na? Sab kuch sahi tarah se karna hai.​" He took a deep breath before grinning at her. "No matter how many girls I've tried to date, know that this is something I've never done with any of them." He held onto her hands, "Miss. Tanya Sen, ​kya tum mujhse shaadi karogi? Aur humari Ahaana ki Mumma​ officially ​banogi?​" He could already imagine the look on their daughter's face when she realized that ​finally​ her ​Mumma​ would be there all the time.

Tanya looked at him, her mouth forming a perfect little o, eyebrows raised before she squealed, wrapping her arms around him. Perhaps she'd tackled him with too much force because he was now laying on the ground, Tanya on top of him as she peppered him with kisses. "Yes, yes, yes! A million times yes! I'll marry you!" She had a thousand questions, but for now she would keep them in - all those things could be sorted out later. Her hands had just begun to undo the buttons on his shirt when she heard a noise from the baby monitor and groaned, burying her face in his chest. "Every time."

[daretogobeyondtheunknown]

Under These Fluorescent Lights 2/4

“Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes. Because for those who love with heart and soul there is no such thing as separation.”

                                                                                              Rumi

“Cut!”

Winn sunk into the plush chaise of the office set.

It was a far cry from the cold hard plastic his body had molded to under the florescent lights of the hospital waiting room and nothing about it felt right. It gave in all the wrong places and it felt a lot like floating. All of it was just too much: too much comfort, too much warmth, too much relief.

“How’s she doin’?”

If decorum were not ingrained again and again by Lucy – no different than a drill sergeant – Winn surely would have groaned, the frustrations of the question slipping passed his lips. It was a simple question. It was a genuine question. And yet, since leaving the hospital early Wednesday morning, it was all Winn heard.

He loved Kara – wanted nothing more than for Kara to be okay, to be stretched out on this far too fluffy prop chaise laughing over botched lines and far too dramatic intentions – but she wasn’t and Winn hated it. He hated how it made him feel. He hated how nothing would make it better.

Except time, maybe time.

“She is stable in ICU. The doctors seem hopeful.”

His head throbbed. The exhaustion he felt seemed to stretch beyond simply physical - like a steady thrum in his bones that echoed through his body like some unending earthquake.

“Shit. How’s her boyfriend taking it? What was his name – Jason? Jim? No, James!”

Oddly enough, Winn missed the familiarity and the rigidity of the abysmal plastic chairs. At least there, no one asked him questions he didn’t know how to answer.

x

“Alexandra Danvers?”

Winn noticed the way her shoulders tensed and the corners of her lips twitched ever so downward. It was hardly visible – only something discernable after hours of constant observation – and it only served to add to the ambiguity that was Alexandra Danvers.

“Alex.”

Silent understanding seemed to pass over the face of the surgeon with a familiarity Winn was not accustomed to. As if somehow, someway, the face that had been present for all but a minute knew Alexandra Danvers with more profundity than her own mother.

“My apologies, Alex. Kara sustained serious trauma during the accident. For now, she has been stabilized but the next forty-eight hours will be the crucial.”

The way the surgeon flipped through the pages on their clipboard made Winn reminiscent of the set of the hospital drama he had met Kara on. The timing was all wrong, but Winn couldn’t shake the mental image.

“I noticed you requested a copy of the report. I have several notes to put together first but I’ll have Deborah bring it over as soon as I am done.”

“When can we see her?”

Winn had almost forgotten about James and his constant foot tapping and probing of the nursing staff, desperate for anything.

“I’m sorry sir but we won’t know that until she is stable enough to leave the ICU. When she is, the next of kin will be allowed to see her. Unfortunately, anyone else will have to wait until she regains consciousness. Alex, Deborah will have your wife’s report ready shortly. Please don’t go far.”

x

Nodding to the security at the door, Winn entered the hospital.

If anyone would have ever told him how calmed the sterile stench and cold hard plastic chairs would make him feel, Winn would have called them crazy.

And yet, here he was comforted by the horrible stench and relieved by the feel of plastic against his skin. Even the codes called over the paging and the intermittent conversations of the hospital staff felt warming.

“Mr. Schott, come to see Mrs. Danvers again?”

It still threw him for a loop, reeling to the side and nattering nonsense.

Whether he had unintentionally caught sight of some legal documentation or caught snippets of conversations not meant for him, Winn struggled to believe its validity. Kara was lousy at keeping secrets. Winn knew about the time she had stolen Tom Barts’ sandwich in the second grade because he was a bully and he had stolen it. Winn knew how Kara had apologized two days later because she had just felt so guilty.

“Of course, Deborah. Is she still in the same room?”

Then again, up until last week, Winn had been under the impression Kara had grown up alone and Mandy Chen had been her high school best friend. But according to Eliza Danvers, Mandy Chen was hardly a blip in Kara’s social radar.

Or well, a blip when compared to Alexandra Danvers.

“Of course, Mr. Schott. Only the best for, Mrs. Danvers.”

As Winn said his thanks and turned to walk down the hall, he wondered how much of “only the best” had more to do with Alex and J’onn than Kara and her celebrity status.

x

“Winn, do you believe in ghosts?”

The script was remarkable but it paled in comparison to the many dimensions of Kara Zorel – Danvers.

Perhaps it was what had made Kara into the brilliant actress she was; her ability to meld and form to any character and any role. There was no niche, just an excellence where she was set, like a seed planted and tendered to one-day blossom.

And blossoming she was. Or had been until the accident.

“Like the Ghostbusters kind or El Orfanato?”

Pensive was not one of the many shades of Kara Winn had seen outside of fictional sets or scripted reads. Or maybe it was and Winn had simply never been privy.

“Like… ghosts from your memories. Things that just don’t exist anymore but it’s… it’s like they’re all you have. Like they’re all you can smell and all you can feel.”

It felt wrong, to hear those words – feel those insecurities – and to know that just outside of the grips of Kara’s consciousness lingered perhaps that very ghost. To know that Alexandra Danvers lingered always just out of reach and to not be able to speak a word of it.

“Maybe- maybe it’s just… the medication they keep giving me and I mean my head has felt foggy ever since I woke up.”

It was killing him.

x

It had never crossed his mind that Alex held the power to provide visitation rights until the doctor pulled them aside, explaining the rules and stipulations.

“Alex has granted each of you permission to visit Mrs. Danvers.”

It was all serious and formal with eight-point font forms and clause after clause of legalities. Even Lucy looked overwhelmed and Winn knew she thrived in clauses and tiny font and legalities.

“When Mrs. Danvers regains consciousness she may be confused and easily disorientated. We have come to the consensus that it is best not to overwhelm her. We ask that you not introduce significant events or situations that have occurred since the accident.”

“So Alexandra Danvers?”

Winn didn’t understand why the straight forwardness of Lucy’s words hit him like a freight train but it hurt and Winn felt the axis of his existence teetering. It was any wonder what thoughts were racing through James’ mind. It was still a lot to take in, either way, and Winn wouldn’t be surprised if he folded like some cheap lawn chair.

James was a nice guy but a wife was a lot to take in.

“That is correct. We have agreed it would be for the best for Mrs. Danvers recovery.”

Winn wondered if we meant in part Alex.

x

“What is wrong with you- How can you just stand there and do nothing?!”

Hands running through his hair, Winn counted backwards from ten. He was angry. He never got angry.

And yet, Alex seemed to pull it out of him as if he hadn’t spent half of his life working meticulously towards taming it. As if Winn was the bag of potato chips down isle twelve and all Alex had to do was yoink.

When J’onn stood - frame towering and protective - and the nearby posted guard approached, Winn wondered if this was how he was going to go. If it was, the very least Alex could do was just tell Kara. Ease her growing trepidations. Do something other than stand by, hidden in the shadows but apparently still felt in every part of Kara’s subconscious.

It figured Alex would remain stoically closed off, shaking off both the guard’s and J’onn’s presence like a general turning away the support of their infantry.

“The posted security in this facility are not just to keep unwanted visitors out, Mr. Schott. I am sure the staff also appreciate calm, respectful guests while they do their work.”

Glancing over at the nursing station, Winn caught the looks of disappointment. They had expected better of him and if Winn was being honest, he did too.

But there was just something about Alex – rigid, aloof Alex – that wound Winn tighter than the spring of a child’s first Jack-in-the-Box.

x

When Winn was twelve he had listened to how his parents screamed, how things broke and how eventually one at a time they left, fading out of his life like early morning fog under the afternoon sun. Ever since that moment he supposed love was an idealization, built in darkness with the shortest of fuses.

Like a one hit wonder.

And nothing thus far had disproved him; not the soaring rate of divorce or the flourishing industry of fantasized realities.

True love didn’t exist and nothing lasted.

But perhaps Alexandra Danvers - hunched over the side of the hospital bed, reciting prose well worn and bound on Kara’s shelf from memory - ignited something. Made Winn silently wish for fairy tale endings and love indefinitely.

Because maybe, Winn knew how much Kara loved it. That book. And just maybe, it hurt a little too much when Kara asked him about ghosts and regrets and love. And just maybe, Winn wanted to believe because if anyone deserved fairy tale endings and love indefinitely it was Kara.  

x

“Why do you do that? Do all that and let him sweep in and take the credit?”

Winn likened talking to Alex like talking to a wall: it didn’t listen, it never offered words in return and more often than not, Winn just felt down right stupid when he turned to leave.

It wasn’t that he didn’t try. No, Winn had tried. But there were only so many times he was willing to have his attempted conversations kiboshed before thinking that maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t worth it.

But of course, it only lasted so long and when Winn caught sight of Alex - tucked just out of Kara’s line of sight - it made it all the more difficult not to say something.

James and Kara looked happy. They laughed happy. But the tucked blankets, the selected meals, the stationary, even the supplies used to clean every inch of Kara’s room were all chosen by Alex. And James got all the credit. It wasn’t hard considering Kara’s assumptions and Alex’s distinct absence in Kara’s life.

“I mean; James doesn’t even know what she likes in her coffee let alone what detergent she prefers for her linens. But you do; you know what scents she likes for her linens, her preference in the order of her cutlery, and heck, even the arrangement and preferred count for her floral sets!”

If Winn was honest, he had stopped expecting anything from Alex unless it in some way made Kara more comfortable in her hospital room. So when Alex spoke, all low tones and broken, Winn wondered if maybe he had it all wrong.

“Because I never did them for credit. There is no score. Just what is right.”

Maybe Alex wasn’t all rigid and all aloof. Maybe Alex was just as broken as Kara and neither of them knew how to make it better again.

x

“I can’t believe them. They’re supposed to be your fans but… they’re crazy.”

It was an unwritten rule James had signed the moment he and Kara had chosen to pursue more than friendship. Fans were a given in the industry. No one just walked into the kind of lifestyle Kara lived and said ‘no thanks, just hold the fans’ like it was some optional topping on the dish. Part of Kara included the very public aspect: the fans and the media.

James knew that. Winn knew that. Heck, even rigid stoic Alexandra Danvers and her equally quiet friend, J’onn, probably knew that.

“That isn’t true. They just have really big hearts.”

And so did Kara, Winn observed.

Even frail and willowy, the blacks and blues and purples stark against her pale skin, Kara was still looking out for the well being of others. Others she didn’t know; might never know. Even when she had far greater issues to be concerned about; like the way her breathing stuttered when she got even the slightest bit anxious, like her body had forgotten how to draw breath. Or like when her muscles spasmed making simple tasks seemingly more difficult than climbing a mountain.

“Pfft, you’d probably forgive anyone. Even Alex.”

The silence in the room felt deafening and Winn wished for a magical button that could erase the tumultuous wave of emotions contorting Kara’s features: confusion, agony, betrayal. But there was no magic button and as the world seemed to regain its speed, Winn wished instead for time. Time to make things better.

Personally, Winn had nothing against James.

He was a good guy with a good head on his shoulders and a respectable career in free lance journalism.

But sometimes he could just be an idiot and his ugly green head of jealousy became a little too much. Sometimes, Winn wished James would just keep his mouth shut and his jealousy in check and remember that this wasn’t the time for everything to be about him.

“Wh-what did you just say?”

It sounded part broken, part livid, and Winn felt trepidation for the way Kara’s body shook like a leaf amidst a storm, teetering on the edge of separation. Kara was bright, bubbly, and sometimes frustrated, sometimes sad. But more often than not she was this eternal fountain of optimism.  

“Shit, no. Kara. I didn’t-“

“What did you say!”

Her breathing was short and erratic and Winn wondered if maybe he should pull the cord, call the nurses. Because either Kara was going to pass out or she was going to lunge and then pass out. Either way, none of it sounded good and Kara just needed to rest and to heal and to be okay again.

“Look, Kara, forget what I said. It was stupid and-“

Winn silently agreed, it was stupid. But the world didn’t work in take backs and some magical rewind button.

“Get out.”

Outside the room, Winn heard the sound of voices and commotion. When the staff entered, pushing past his body and towards Kara, Winn was hardly surprised.

“Kara, I-“

The narrowed eyes of the staff and the unspoken ushering was all Winn needed. It wasn’t like he wanted to leave Kara – trembling and broken – but Winn knew there were no words that could fix this.

“Now!”

In the hall, Winn noticed how equally anxious Alex looked.

Winn wasn’t a betting man but if he was he would bet Alex was internally berating herself. She had that same look he did, pinched into the corners of her brow when Winn felt his worth stripped and his inner voice taking hold in the most volatile of ways.

Pressing his back into the white washed wall, Winn allowed his body to sink, settling down beside the form of Alexandra Danvers.

“You’re stupid.”

If J’onn looked every part offended, Winn never saw, his attention focused on the small off white speck on the wall ahead and the gut wrenching sobs from the room behind him. It was heart breaking and Winn didn’t understand how Alex could just be.

“I know.”

[thecatwhosleepsin]

[Book Review] Sad Girls

Sad Girls by Lang Leav

Genres: Fiction, Young Adult, Contemporary

Date Published: May 30, 2017

Publisher: Andrews McMeel Publishing

Pages: 320

Rating: 2/5

Youth is wasted on the young.

I can’t say I had high expectations for this book.

Over the stretch of time that has lapsed between her last and latest publication, my senior writing peers have taken up the responsibility of removing Lang Leav from the immeasurably high pedestal in my heart. I fell in love with her first book, you see. Love and Misadventures became my holy grail in poetry when I read it when it was first published. Her points when it came to love and loss was so acute, she put stars in my eyes.

 after that, I bought more of her books as soon as they were published (despite the obvious hole it left in my wallet). The magic of her words slowly faded. I know where her words were coming from, but I’m not that sure if she was writing for herself now. That’s how I felt after Lullabies, Memories, and The Universe of Us but I brushed the thought the instant it came to mind and thought,

Nonsense. I’m reading too much into it. All writers struggle to write for themselves to justify the truth they know and want to impart.

But deep inside I still asked myself,

Is her poetry the only poetry I know?

And it was true, I never knew the classics. Name one famous dead poet and I wouldn’t even have a clue.

But let’s put aside the matter of my doubts regarding her credibility as a poet, let’s talk about her new book.

In the dying embers and blackened twigs of a ravaged forest, who could distinguish where the first spark was lit? Only the arsonist knows the exact location on which the first match was struck.

It is Audrey Field’s final weeks in school when she shatters the already precarious nature of her life and of everyone she knows with a single, repulsive lie. It leads to a dangerous chain of events -the death of her melancholic classmate Ana, the start of her breathless panic attacks, her best friend Candela throwing her life away, the spark of an ill-timed romance with Ana’s enigmatic boyfriend Rad, and the revelation of a deadly secret.

“I think it’s because we romanticize the past. We give it more than it deserves.”

Sad Girls revolves around writers, the mass effect of uttering a thoughtless lie, the value of friendships, the meaning of true love, freedom, finding one’s place in the world, heartbreaks, (wasting) second chances, dreams, uncovering false appearances and the significance of the truth -which brings me to my admission that I didn’t quite like this one.

Audrey is one of the biggest reasons. You could imagine my incredulity upon finding out what kind of horrible lie that caused, not only hers, but everyone’s lives to fall apart. INCEST. Between her classmate and her OWN father. No lie is more disgusting and I couldn’t believe she said it, so casually and I quote, earnestly to her best friends (one of which was Ana’s close friend), just for the heck of it and didn’t even bother to take it back right then and there. No sane person would ever do that, and I felt that the remorse and guilt that attacked her until the end of the novel wasn’t enough punishment for her ridiculous tongue.

There were handful of times where her words went far out of line. She also didn’t endeavor to completely mend her rocky relationship with her mother. She surreptitiously sneaked around her boyfriend’s back to hung out with the boyfriend of the sad girl whose demise was brought upon her revolting lie. She wasn’t the least honest about her obligated relationship with Duck to him, to everyone and to herself.

There were also a lot of loose ends to tie up. Like the ambiguity of Candela’s relationship with Ana.

Candela:

“I know what you’re implying about me and Ana, and do you know what? It’s none of your fucking business.”

Ana (about Rad):

I know he thinks he’s in love. But he has no idea what love is. Not yet anyway.

So, it’s safe to assume that Ana wasn’t really in love with Rad, and Candela saw her as more than a sister figure from the way she got into a bad crowd, resorted to drugs and became highly sensitive when anyone brought her up. Seeing how intense her grief is, affection for her deceased close friend is definitely possible since Candela’s first fling was also a female, and maybe, Ana also reciprocated her feelings since she had a picture of her in the locket she immensely treasured (enough to be used as a bookmark). Most likely Rad had suspected it, knew it wasn’t him in her locket all along and only looked inside for confirmation and to appease Audrey’s suggestion.

If Duck’s man periods level on extremes (pitiful Audrey putting up with every single one of it), he becomes downright terrifying in post breakups, especially when he’s drunk. He was blinded by love (obsession?) for Audrey, and it was almost touching until he raged in front of her window, his chivalry evaporated into thin air.

I wanted to see more of his character development from when Audrey broke up with him because no matter what, even when there were several moments where I adored his tenderness and sweetness, his lasting impression was a psycho (from his bipolar mood swings), even after he found a new girl and quoted to Audrey,

“Everything happens for a reason.”

Also, WAS I THE ONLY ONE WHO ABSOLUTELY ADORED GABE? I mean, he was the normal one out of all Audrey’s love interests. Optimistic and funny, he was a ball of sunshine and he deeply respected her boundaries as well, completely unassuming and only acting upon his feelings as long as Audrey allowed it. Bittersweetly, he chose to let her go, wishing for nothing but her happiness.

“I don’t think I can do the friend thing. Not with you.”

HE WAS SUCH A KEEPER. AUDREY, YOU IDIOT. YOU MISSED THE ROAD TRIP OF YOUR LIFE.

Rad, on the other hand, was your typical enigmatic hottie with heterochromatic eyes which only intensified the mystery that veiled around him. Witty and well-acquainted with the woes of a writer, he charmed his way to Audrey’s broken, guilt-ridden heart.

From the start, I was always skeptical about him. Initially, I thought that his refusal to talk about anything regarding Ana, his easygoing attitude and his desire to frequently spend time with Audrey were commonplace actions of one who was grieving the death of his love. I believed he was trying to move on from her by ignoring the fact, but it was so much more. He was trying to bury the guilt —through writing, finding someone new, ripping a suicide note from his girlfriend’s diary and keeping it, maybe to convince himself that she wanted the accident.

He was the most cowardly of all the characters in Sad Girls, I concluded. The only answer I could piece together from his inhumane decisions was that his mental health degraded during his relationship with suicidal Ana. It’s toxicity retained in himself and jumbled up the meaning of what’s right and wrong. I mean, after unintentionally killing your own lover and staging it as suicide, guilt was bound to eat you up and squeeze the truth from you. But his conscience didn’t work or maybe, it was long dead anyway. He had no decency, even continuing his life, pursuing his aspirations and a girl who was obviously taken. (She matched his standards —sad, lonely and broken.)

Though the book ended on a really disturbing note, I could say Audrey and Rad were perfect for each other, running away from the grave sins they had committed to start over a clean slate, neglecting their conscience, fulfilling their dreams like the past was just nothing and Audrey leaving her doting friends in the dark.

Two wolves bound to devour each other alive.

The liar and the killer. Bonnie and Clyde. Harley and Joker. Bring on the titles.

And before I come into a conclusion, let me express my rage: WHY DID MY CINNAMON ROLL FREDDY HAVE TO DIE? WHY DID SWEET SWEET LUCY HAVE TO BE MISERABLE? THEY’RE THE MOST DESERVING COUPLE WHEN IT COMES TO HAPPINESS, WHY BREAK THEM APART? The truth will come out eventually. No need to destroy the most lovable (and cheesiest) couple in the book.

Sheesh. My gut was right when it was feeling uneasy as I went through Lucy’s odd mini-speech:

“But he was my first real boyfriend. I don’t have anyone else to compare him with. What if he isn’t the love of my life and I’m just sticking with him because I’ve never known anything else?”

There you go, Lucy.

In Sad Girls, Lang Leav skirts through sensitive subjects with the aloofness and subtlety of a freight train. But I greatly appreciated her raw tribute to writers.

“But I don’t think all writers are sad. It’s the other way around —all sad people write. It’s a form of catharsis, a way of working through things that feel unresolved, like undoing a knot. People who are prone to sadness are more likely to pick up a pen.”

As a debut novel, it wasn't so much of an okay shot, but I would’ve loved it more if she imposed the writing style she uses when composing prose. Despondency, Dead Butterflies, Rogue Planets, The Professor and Three Questions were some of my favorites. Years back when I first read them, I believed I was given a glimpse of how she would write her novel in the near future and I was considerably excited. Now, it’s not that she disappointed me. It’s just that somehow I just knew it would come to this and it’s okay. I’m a patient girl. She will overcome herself, especially when everyone is given chances and has the right to use them (excluding Audrey and Rad though, unless if they did it the right way).

I am always rooting for my childhood favorite and I hope to see her considerably grow in the next years to come. Meanwhile, let me say:

My youth (and money) is wasted on this book.

This has been a quite long review, and I thank anyone who has spent time to read my thoughts!

And one last thing, Ana’s notion of love, though maybe solid truth to others, will continue to haunt me:

The truth is, everyone wants to believe they’re in love but no one really is. So to all the girls out there who are stuck between two minds about some stupid crush, I have news for you. If you have to wonder, if you have to question what you feel, then deep down you actually don’t give a shit. As for the rest of you who don’t get it, welcome to the club. If you know what it’s like to want someone so much you would kill for them. If you know what it’s like to feel someone so deep under your skin you would sacrifice everything to protect them —even if it screws up your own moral compass so you can’t see right from wrong. If you’re like me, then let me leave you with this: That’s what love is. Don’t let them tell you any different. Don’t tell yourself otherwise.