#as ever I will not expand unless anyone wants to hear it because I can rant to my husband aloud any time I want

[doverstar]

could write an entire essay about how Clara (who I like) is the Doctor's kryptonite and is bad for him not for any of the reasons you're thinking but because the Doctor lost three versions of her in a row after losing people he loved again and then he decided to project onto this one girl all of the guilt and regret he felt about losing literally any of his previous companions. it turned him into a crazy person and it got her killed. but I won't expand unless provoked

[felonytaxevasion]

Can I hear more about the worm vs the boys please if you want to expand on it on tumblr? I love worm and I don’t really like the boys and I can't quite explain to myself why

Yea absolutely! Im sure there's some other Wormblr posts out there that go into this in more depth but I can paraphrase what I was saying to my friends.

We were mainly discussing the concept of "edginess" and excessive anger, violence, and shock value in media and I brought up Worm and The Boys as examples so that I could sort of warn my friend about the tone of Pact without directly spoiling anything. My main thesis is that Worm is incredibly super duper edgy, however it doesn't come across as nihilistic and misanthropic like The Boys does.

I feel as though too often The Boys is usually taking the stance of "well humans suck so if you gave humans superpowers they would find unique ways to suck and the only thing separating normal people from monsters is power. So no one should have power" which I don't inherently disagree with to an extent. It's an exaggerated critique of capitalism and celebrity. But it's also such a gross way to look at humans/the nature of humanity.

Contrast with Worm that says "bad people with superpowers will use their powers to do uniquely horrible things. But good people with superpowers will also be out there doing uniquely and incredibly good things for the benefit of humanity. Every human as the potential for abhorrent cruelty. But it is just as true that those same humans all have the potential to do good."

I think it's really important that the two final and most major antagonists in Worm are motivated by nihilism and hatred of humans. Jack Slash and Scion both have the philosophy of "Humans are cruel. The parts of humanity that are good are losing out to cruelty. Why try and fight it. It's easier to just kill everyone". Contrast Taylor who, I'm 99% sure, never for a second questions if humanity is worth saving. Everyone around her in Gold Morning says "there's nothing we can do so we should at least die happy" and Taylor says "I cannot die happy unless I spend every second of my last day fighting for the miniscule chance to save humanity from extinction". Taylor and the fucking insane lengths she will go to save humans when she doesn't even like them all that much is the heart of Worm. (And like don't get me wrong worm is also about Taylor fucking failing to not partake in human cruelty at basically every opportunity. Quite possibly the worst anyone's ever done it. But that doesn't change the fact that she is trying and in the doing is pushing the audience to try as well)

And on the other hand I think the attitude of The Boys kind of just IS Jack Slashs. I honestly cannot even fathom what the take away is meant to be beyond "people are fuuucked up dude". If I wanted to be especially cruel I would say that I think a large majority of fan base for The Boys was generated on the basis of shock value and the incredibly strong performances from the cast. It's easy to get in to season 1 because it presents a horrible world with no redeeming qualities but you can assume in later seasons "they're gonna figure it out! Good will win out! Or at least good will lose for reasons that connect with the audience and make it a tragedy" but three seasons later theyre floundering to find a message and a reason people should care about the world and it's characters.

At the end of the day TLDR I think worm works because it has something to say and uses edge to support the thesis. The Boys exists more as a framework to explore cruelty in fiction and I just don't think it has a lot to say outside of that.

[luthinks]

I think a lot of people really need to go back and read all of Rafayel's story if they think he's not fully capable within his own resolve to feel and act that way. I'm not saying he can't be influenced in the segment of the story we see in the trailer by some higher power, but everyone seems to forget be "wants to settle the score" with MC is there are heavy implications all over his story that he believes she did, in fact, betray him. Whether he knows why or how or if she was also influenced by something else is unknown. I just need the fandom to fr stop trying to princess this man who is capable of mass murdering people who have hurt and hunted Lemurians and can both love and resent MC for whatever jumble of memories he holds. The biggest problem this company created was giving Rafayel purely sappy cards to cater to his huge fan base in China. It's made everyone forget he is dark and angry.

Rafayel is definitely fully capable of taking action on his own against the people who have wronged him and his people and he does so many times. But the mass murdering aspect is also kind of exaggerated. The only people he has canonically killed which we as players have seen are, the person in the theater from Siren's song anecdote and possibly Raymond. Other instances we hear are from other characters — like the sea monster murders and stuff — I take that with a grain of salt cuz the people who were murdered, who worked for ever and experimented on lemurians, left ever group before they got murdered. It could also be ever group killing them and landing the blame on Rafayel. We'll never know, it's upto us what to believe. Knowing papergames, it's not going to be this straight forward but we'll just have to see how they expand on it.

And coming to the "he wants to settle score with MC" part, to me, he didn't sound malicious while he was saying that ... The first thing he did after coming back to linkon was to look up information about MC and make sure she's safe. He even confronted one of the raincoats to inquire if MC was on ever's list. In my personal opinion him settling the score with MC here probably refers to her having forgotten him. I don't think he's even going to hold it against her if she ever betrayed him. He has had multiple dialogues that say, even if she's leading him into a trap, he'd willingly walk into it.

He's definitely bitter that she had forgotten him and everything that happened but he doesn't want to harm her. Like in chapter 7 while he was going to fight the big sea monster, he told MC to stay away because he can't ensure her safety otherwise. And when MC invokes the bond and tells him to not go, he's melancholic that she forgot everything but even then she insists.

Tbh I think one of his major fears is MC will come to dislike him when she comes across his changed self (as he mentioned in omnipotent perception).

In my opinion both the extremities, that Rafayel is all sunshine and roses who's just a brat doing his bratty stuff, and that he's a cold blooded killer that despises MC and wouldn't hesitate one bit before killing even her are two ends of a spectrum. How people feel about him lies between that depending on their own interpretations.

While I believe him to be somewhere in the middle, (I'm team "Rafayel is never going to harm MC no matter what it looks like unless he's possessed, but he'll end anyone who tries to harm her or his lemurian subjects no questions asked" 😂) but at the same time I think it's okay for people to have different beliefs on that scale. Some might have liked the innocent care free side of his more which led to a sharp contrast with recent branch PV, so the angst is inevitable... It's okay for them to lament the loss of this sunshine aspect of his character ... While others might be excited about the dark aspects of his character being explored more, that is also fine. It's a game where all of us are playing at a different pace, and also some of the lore locked behind limited cards ends up with different people having different interpretations, even the timeline of how we get all the content is out of order. So it makes sense that, a complex character like Rafayel would generate a spectrum of opinions 😅.

All in all as long as people aren't being rude to other players I think it's fine how they personally interpret Rafayel's character... I personally believe that the sunshine carefree Rafayel and ruthless cold Rafayel are both part of his personality, neither is more real than the other. But my interpretation might not be in line with others, and that's completely fine too.

P.S. I'm very sorry if this came off as preachy or condescending. I'm not very good at expressing myself while writing 😅

[scoops-aboy86]

I think it was @steviewashere and @wheneverfeasible who tagged me on this get to know you meme? Or something. I can’t find it now but I’ve had the questions in my notepad app and worked on answering them today and yesterday, before and after surgery. I swear I can feel the incision scar burning through the splint right now, it sucks.

Anyway, completely not proofread writing at the end for the AU question answer so I’m just gonna tag my permanent tag list and go to sleep.

Favorite Color -> Blue

Last Song -> Good Luck, Babe! by Chappell Roan

Currently Reading -> Various fanfic, all Steddie of course

Currently Watching -> I just watched The Princess Diaries for the first time in years; the line “Wait for me! No not you, I don’t even know you” still makes me cackle

Currently Craving -> Nothing, my pain meds have killed my appetite, it’s obnoxious. But I did get a boba tea the night before my surgery just because I wouldn’t be allowed to have anything in the morning.

Coffee or Tea -> Tea. I can’t do coffee, it hits me just wrong enough that I end up vibrating at a frequency dogs can probably hear and I become an unsafe driver.

A hobby you would like to try -> I wouldn’t mind learning how to crochet (again, but actually retain it this time) or expand my knitting skills beyond scarves and square dishcloths.

An AU you're working on/thought of -> i reread my post from the other… week? (Time is an illusion and I’m on gd drugs.) And I want to clarify that I was envisioning Steve as still in high school, Eddie as a high school band director. Because I don’t think I was super explicit about that. And maybe Eddie is in his mid twenties, not early.

Chrissy is in the color guard, because it’s cheerleader adjacent, but so is Nancy because she gets to toss sabres and (wooden) rifles as well as flags. Tammy Thompson is one of the assistant drum majors but is not the best at following the drum major instead of conducting by ear, so there are some phasing problems (band gets off because the speed of sound lags, etc.). Fred is in the pit, on the xylophone and triangle and shit. Patrick plays the timpani. Gareth is in the battery on snare drum, not section leader but that’s a lot of responsibility he’s not sure he wants anyway. Tommy plays saxophone. If Argyle is there he’s in the tuba/sousaphone section, no question.

And like I said, Steve plays clarinet because it’s the easiest instrument to march with. He is the reluctant babysitter of all the freshmen playing third or fourth part with him: Will, Dustin, and Mike. Lucas is in the saxophone section, trying to be cool, but comes to Steve for help because Steve may be a sub-par musician but his marching technique is flawless. Max is on piccolo and will intentionally blast the high notes to fuck you up. 

El plays oboe very competently in concert band but is having a hard time adjusting to mellophone on the field, scraping by with the help of her senior section leader, Kali; by the end of the season they’ve thoroughly bonded as brass sisters and get matching tattoos. It does cause problems because her dad is still police chief Hopper, who gives stern/frustrated lectures to Kali (paid for it), Steve (gives El and her stepbrother Will to rehearsals, along with the rest of the kids, so Hopper assumes he must have known; he didn’t), and Eddie (adult in charge of these hooligans, but sporting tattoos of his own, not really on display unless he rolls up his sleeves on hot days when the school AC is on the fritz).

Those lectures are somehow or another the closest anyone comes to figuring out that Steve and Eddie are together, causing both of them to panic. On Eddie this looks like trying to break it off before things blow up so Steve can have a normal life; Steve, on the other hand, doubles down hard on keeping the best and most loving relationship he’s ever had (absent parents, dating teens who only want him for his pretty face and reputation for being good in bed) and like. Wears lingerie to school under his clothes. Because you don’t have to deal with PE class and locker rooms during marching season!!

Steve is still captain of the basketball team because that’s in the spring and doesn’t overlap with marching season. Eddie comes to all of the games as a “show of school spirit,” and afterwards they meet somewhere in the woods for Eddie to either congratulate his boy on a win or console him after a loss. Sometimes Steve has to console him after too much stress eating from the student-run concession stand if it was a really close game though—sometimes in a not so sexy way before Eddie learns the hard way to steer clear of the loaded chili dogs, but even on those occasions Eddie is blearily impressed that someone so young can be so sweet and caring. 

Most of the guys he dated prior to Steve were more interested in hooking up and/or playing rough without a lot of tenderness beyond basic aftercare, mislead by his wild hair and tattoos and the assumption that a school teacher wouldn’t want to be in an openly gay relationship. Which… okay, it’s not like he’d put leather daddy photos in his cramped little office off the band room but it is a modern AU, he can have a partner that he can casually mention in the teachers lounge without it being a big deal. But his dating profile never seemed to attract the kind of guys that would want that, he never did figure out how he was going wrong there—though to be fair, before Steve he’d kind of assumed that’s what he’d wanted too.

As far as kink goes, Eddie doesn’t take it too far with an actual high school student, for all that Steve isn’t jail bait. He introduces Steve to edging, both ways, and Steve loves it—cries so pretty when he begs, and on the flip side is relentless in getting Eddie to wait and wait and then come like a teenager over and over again. No bondage more extensive than creative use of a bandana or a tie or, on one memorable occasion, a seatbelt. Eddie is meticulous about teaching Steve all about consent, checking in regularly, the stoplight system, safe words, talking things out before and after, etc., figuring that if this is just a school year fling that at least he’s setting his sweet boy up for success in future relationships—though the idea makes him sad and his insides squirmy with jealousy. He’s not possessive exactly, but when he’s in that mood he gets extra attentive in a way that Steve seems to lap up like sweet cream.

They’re monogamous, although they both agree that Steve can’t just stop dating around without raising questions about who he is seeing. So Steve still goes out with girls sometimes, the ones that seem okay with setting low expectations for both intimacy and commitment. Dinner and a movie and maybe a little making out, because neither Steve nor Eddie are puritanical about kissing. There aren’t a lot of second dates and even fewer third dates, with only occasional fallout no matter how clear and upfront Steve is about not wanting anything serious. He always feels bad about those instances, needing lots of reassurance from his secret older boyfriend that he’s not the asshole some people think he is, that he did his best and going over the situation for things he could handle better next time. And sex, to reaffirm their own relationship behind the public facades.

The only reason Eddie hasn’t bought an engagement ring by spring is because he doesn’t want to be presumptuous, but he knows what kind of ring he would look for, what kind of things Steve would like if he did. He’s talked to his friends Jeff and Grant (Unnamed Freak) about Steve, because they have nothing to do with the school and know him well enough not to be concerned that he’s some sort of predator. Jeff, who’s settled down with a nice girl (his own age) and already started looking ahead to planning a family, is loud in his approval of Eddie’s shifting taste in men from casual hookups and one night stands to something more committed, even if it’s on the unconventional side. “You seem a lot happier, man. I think it’s good for you, in the long run, no matter how it shakes out.” At which Grant laughs and says, “Yeah, at the very least you’re healing your own teenage trauma of never being able to get a popular prettyboy jock like you wanted. You’re growing up, dude! And it’s less than a ten year age gap, that’s gonna feel like nothing once he’s outta college. No one’ll even bat an eye at it by then.” Which, Grant might be a little biased because his parents are nine years apart, but it makes Eddie grin. It’s nice to have supportive friends.

(He finds out years later that Gareth, the sophomore on snare and Grant’s cousin, also knew the entire time and was just really good at keeping secrets. Mixed feelings on that one. Partly because the reveal happens in a speech at his and Steve’s wedding and he nearly falls out of his chair in front of sixty people.)

Oh and the entire time they’ve been together Eddie has been slowly but steadily putting on weight because one of Steve’s hobbies is baking and he just generally is a decent cook because he’s a latchkey kid who got tired of fast food, frozen meals, and stuff made from a box. For a long time Eddie’s excuse for the weight gain (to the world at large and to some extent himself) is that he quit smoking when he got the school job because he didn’t want to encourage any of the kids to think it’s cool—not since his Uncle Wayne’s diagnosis of early stage lung cancer, which won’t take the stubborn bastard out soon but it’ll happen someday and rip Eddie’s heart right out. So yeah, he went cold turkey and straight to stress eating.

He’d be more self conscious about it if Steve hadn’t always been something approaching reverent when touching his love handles, even when they were still faint little rolls over the top of his jeans the first time they hooked up. The boy has this intent look in his eyes whenever Eddie eats something he made, lighting up like the sun at any sign that Eddie likes it. Feeds him little treats and beams whenever Eddie licks the crumbs from his fingers, so of course Eddie does it as often and with as much gusto as possible. It’s not like he eats unhealthily all the time, he does his daily fruits and veggies and reasonable portions… But he snacks, so sue him. And he never turns down Steve’s treats.

That’s all I’ve got for now! I’m really not writing this, I just enjoy rotating it in my head like a rotisserie chicken.

Tagging to read and answer these too if you want but no pressure: @hotluncheddie @lawrencebshoggoth @sofadofax @kissinvampires @oatmilk-vampire

@wheneverfeasible @hamiltonswiftie @grtwdsmwhr @yesdangerpls@theseaofdespair

[callsign-relic]

Hullo :} Long time lurker (tasty era miss it loads btw)

U seem to be kinda low energy lately, like the last cuple weeks u gud?

Hi anon!! You’ve been here for a while wow!! Thank you for sticking around for so long :]

This ask was a surprise to me, but in a good way. It actually means a lot that you reached out just to check in :,> I’ll talk about some more personal stuff below the cut if anyone wants to read. Guess I’ll take this as an opportunity to vent PFFF.

short answer is though that as of recently I’ve been going through a lot of changes in my personal life that have left me stressed out, and my own mental health has been continuously beating my ass, though I’m trying to push past it for my own good and not let the bad dumb thoughts win. Talking with you guys helps, and as I’ve said before I really really appreciate it ❤️

In the span of just this one year, I have moved four times. It is soon going to be five. (Thankfully not very far, just from the 2nd floor of my complex to the ground floor). But still, all of the situations surrounding those moves has been very taxing on me emotionally. I’ve struggled with feeling like if I even belong anywhere, or if I myself am even worth all of this trouble I’m going through. Thankfully where I’ve settled now I don’t feel that way anymore, but in general it’s a feeling I’ve struggled with.

Secondly, I’ve mentioned this lightly before but I struggle a lot with my self esteem and self confidence, so my own brain likes to beat me up and make me assume no one wants to hear from me. Logically I know this isn’t true, but it’s of course hard to fight against how my brain’s been hard wired to think for a long time. There have been plenty of times where I write up a post only to immediately delete it without even posting cause I psych myself out of it. In terms of answering asks, I do always try to give it my all, but my confidence issues have lended to a big form of creative blockage in my head, where I am so convinced no one wants to hear from me that I’ve unfortunately successfully tricked my brain into not coming up with anything at all unless I’m prompted. Might be some form of depression, idk, I really don’t know anything about that. I can at least say that I’ve been tbh struggling very hard with feelings of both depression and anxiety, and that combined with my brain beating me up, it’s not been fun.

I don’t talk about it often (or, at least I try not to) because I don’t wanna be making vent posts all the time you know, dragging the mood and other people down. Another dumb thing my brain has convinced me is that doing that is just “making people feel bad for me”. Which again I know logically is not true, but it’s just hard.

I know the logical thing to do when one is feeling burnt out is to take a break, but… with how my life has worked out, where I am right now, I don’t really have anything else. That feels pathetic to admit and I really should go out and find more hobbies and expand my interests lol. But idk. I just feel very stuck in my own head, and too embarrassed or ashamed or feeling like I’m some bother to ever really reach out. So my brain has convinced me to just grin and bear it. Which is unhealthy, and I have been trying to push past it, but those are the feelings I’ve been tackling with for a while now.

I know you probably weren’t expecting an in depth answer like this, but I guess I needed to let it out somewhat. If you’ve read this far, thank you. And just thank all of you guys in general

[quillsmora]

so about that ship...

i'm only going to talk about this once. this isn't a post trying to call out the shippers, get anyone "canceled", stop people from shipping them entirely, any of that –– this is just a post about my own personal opinions on the p/n ship. i've been asked about it a few times on here and on twitter so i'm just going to make this one long post about it and not speak on it ever again, because i'm not trying to start any drama or fan wars or whatever.

my main issue with peter/nebula has nothing to do with my own personal headcanons or that it "gets in the way" of my own personal ship, it's that it disregards nebula's character arc throughout the first two movies and turns her into a replacement for gamora again. nebula spent her entire time growing up being constantly reminded that she is "lesser" than gamora and feeling a deep jealousy towards her, as well as a longing for just a regular sister relationship. over the course of vol 1 and 2 we see her resentment towards gamora come to a head before she gives in and admits that all she ever wanted was for gamora to be that sister for her. for nebula to be paired with a man who loved gamora first, who still loves that gamora he lost, feels like a regression of nebula's character growth as it subjects her to living in gamora's shadow yet again.

and let's be honest, peter will always see nebula as gamora's sister. that's all he really knew her as for at least four years. we can assume almost everything he knows about her past, her interests, her life in general before/during infinity war was told to him by gamora, he got gamora's side of every story first. the thing that bonds peter and nebula together is their grief over gamora, it can be argued by what we saw in vol 3 that they were the ones most affected by her death (and groot, who according to a comment james made on instagram, saw gamora as his mother). any romantic relationship between peter and nebula would just naturally feel like nebula is being used as a replacement for gamora.

which also disrespects peter's character growth as well. the peter we first meet in vol 1 is a hotheaded, arrogant, womanizer (i mean this affectionately). he is a grown man who lacks maturity due to trauma and his refusal to acknowledge his trauma. through his relationship with the guardians, and gamora especially, he's able to deal with his past and begin to heal. gamora was one of if not the most important person in his life by the time we see him again in infinity war. we see how losing her absolutely wrecks him, it's the final straw that breaks his spirit and leads to where he's at at the beginning of vol 3. for him to subconsciously replace gamora with her sister is not in line with the character we see at the end of vol 3, the man who's finally willing to face his biggest loss and childhood trauma by reuniting with his grandfather. it's far more in line with the peter we meet at the beginning of vol 1, and peter has not been that man in a very, very long time.

there are a few other points i believe could be made as to why peter/nebula gives me, for lack of a better word, the ick. and as a white woman i don't believe it's my place to comment on the treatment of gamora, who is played by a woman of color (and who is portrayed as one in the one instance we see her as a human in the comics), in regards to race and fandom and shipping culture in general. i'm more than willing to hear other's thoughts on that matter, especially related to gamora's treatment not just by fans but by canon as well. but to give a short summary of my current thoughts, p/n feels disrespectful to the relationship both of them had with gamora the same way it feels disingenuous to peter and nebula's character growth.

so that's it, that's why i don't like that ship. i'm not going to get this in-depth or detailed about this ever again, unless people civilly ask me to expand on something.

i'm also not going to go into what the actors have said (outside of chris calling gamora the love of his life every chance he gets) because that's a whole separate thing that dives more into ways p and n's interactions can be interpreted by individuals.

and again, this is not me saying you shouldn't/can't ship them. i know that's not how the internet works, i've been told i shouldn't/can't ship things and it only made me ship them harder. i'm not looking for a fight or snark or anything like that, this is just my personal opinion on the matter as someone who has loved these characters for nearly a decade.

[cosmichighpriestess]

Self Love (part two)

I previously wrote about self love and the inner work that I've discovered for myself and what has worked for me. When we come into higher states of awareness it becomes clear that self love is of the utmost importance in order to expand and truly evolve. We hear the phrases, " just love yourself, focus on self love, self care, you have to learn to love yourself to be loved." Ect. But no one ever tells you how to truly love yourself because it takes a lot of healing first. It's important to remember you cannot truly love yourself until you've done inner healing work daily and mostly it's trial and error, getting back up again after difficult days of feeling not good enough, beating ourselves up, feeling unappreciated, unloved, and searching for validation outside ourselves only to discover that doesn't work and it's not real self love to only focus on the outside.

We must choose to go inwards. We must tune into our hearts, and connect with our soul to see what it is we truly need to do and heal in order to love ourselves. When we love on ourselves we instantly raise our vibration. Anything we dislike about ourselves are just concepts based from third dimensional beliefs from human programming of what is "good" and "bad" with no real substance other than your belief in them. Change the belief, change your reality. What does practicing self love really entail? When we truly want to love ourselves without faking it, we practice boosting our self confidence. We spend quality time with ourselves. We invest in our self care rituals. We reprogram our limiting, false negative beliefs about ourselves daily. We dig deeper in all ways to truly eliminate all false illusions about ourselves.

We say and write down positive self love affirmations daily, and we immediately throw away any negative thoughts about ourselves that are lies. We become self disciplined and regularly challenge our old self and give ourselves a stress free life by making things easier on our future self. We start saying no to everything not in alignment with our higher selves. We stop beating ourselves up, and start honoring and nurturing our sacred vessels. We cut out smoking, drinking, drugs, eating disorders, giving away our bodies, and we start drinking more water, eating healthy, healing our bodies, and we cut out anyone negative in our lives with firm boundaries. We no longer tolerate or accept their ignorance and abuse in our lives and we take back our power and our energy. We burn bridges because we know we can swim. We stop letting others with lower states of consciousness take advantage of us just because they don't know how to love themselves. No one can truly love you unless they love themselves. When you have a consciousness of self-loathing, self hatred you draw to yourself the experiences supporting more of that energy.

At a certain point of our evolution it becomes easier to love ourselves because of our higher states of consciousness. When we love ourselves, most people no longer become attractive to us unless we can see they are good for us. We can truly become even more isolated because fewer and fewer people have done the inner work that we have done on ourselves. You only allow people into your life if they deserve you. You stop needing other people to make you feel less lonely, and they become a bonus in your life, not a necessity. The qualities we dislike about ourselves are really our inner child desperately seeking support, love, and approval from us. Whenever you find yourself judging yourself harshly just become conscious and aware, and say, "Oh you again. No we're not doing that anymore. I'm in charge now and I say we're enough as I am now and I love every part of myself completely." You will always be a spiritual being regardless if you choose a reality of heaven or hell, your human flaws and errors are not who you truly are underneath. You will not be punished just because you have a bad habit. Consciousness is always moving forward, you are always evolving no matter how slowly; evolution never stops.

When we keep evolving we keep discovering our true form. Once you stop feeding the negative illusions about yourself they disappear because they have nothing to hold them in place. When we love ourselves we see our worth and we stop second guessing ourselves. Loving ourselves is moving out of old third dimensional beliefs and realizing that everything I need is embodied within me because Source/God is Self and I am already complete and perfect now.  If I choose to share that with someone else, that is great, but I do not, never have, and never will need someone outside of myself in order to be whole. Once you transform yourself in mind, body, and soul you truly make it easier to love every part of yourself because you are healed and you did it. No one else did it for you; you can no longer be broken or have those self loathing tendencies because you built yourself up and you are living from a higher state of consciousness. You become unbreakable, secure in yourself and love yourself completely. Nothing and no one can take it away from you.

[actress4him]

Whumptober 2023 - Day 29 - Obsession

This is the actual next chapter of Obsession, following after Threats. It's not the entire scene that I wanted to come next, but I was running short on time (and inspiration) here at the end of the month, so I will have to continue this scene at a later date.

Taglist: @justplainwhump , @whump-ventures

Previous | Next | Masterlist

No. 29: Troubled Past Resurfacing

Contains: lady whump, stalker, selective mutism, fear

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Cadence doesn’t suspect a connection, at first, between the text and the doorbell ringing. Why should she? They don’t get visitors, usually, but the small part of her brain that hears it assumes it must be a delivery. 

Most of her mind is occupied with trying to forget the text, anyway. Do you think that staying at home all the time keeps me from getting to you anytime I want? You’re so adorable.

He won’t leave her alone. There’s no way that she can get away from him, not ever, she knows that. It doesn’t stop her from trying. He tracked her down at her favorite coffee shop, so she started switching where she went to draw - other coffee shops, the park, even McDonald’s. Anywhere that he might not think of to look for her. He somehow knew what her hair looked like while she was sitting at the bus stop, so she gave up altogether and just locked herself inside the house. Janaysia has been giving her suspicious looks, but there’s nothing she can do about that. She can’t go out there anymore, where he’s lurking. He’s already threatened to take her again. If she steps out of this house, he’ll be waiting to snatch her.

There’s a sharp knock at her bedroom door. Startled out of her spiraling thoughts, Cady stands and crosses the room, easing the door open to see Janaysia standing in the hall. 

“So…apparently you forgot to tell us you had company coming over?” Her housemate raises an eyebrow at her, as if she doesn’t quite believe the situation. 

Her mouth opens and shuts again, eyebrow furrowed in confusion and dread beginning to grow in her stomach. It wouldn’t be him. He wouldn’t dare come here like this, not when he’s so adamant that no one ever finds out. But…it has to have something to do with him, right? Because she certainly didn’t invite anyone over. Everything in her life seems to be connected to him.

She shakes her head no, adamantly, but Janaysia just sighs and smiles. “It’s okay, it’s no big deal. We haven’t started cooking dinner yet, so we can just make a little more. Unless you guys were planning to go out…?”

Cadence shakes her head even harder. The dread has expanded up into her chest and is crawling toward her throat. She steps back into the room, reaching for her notebook, but Janaysia steps away, too. 

“Don’t worry about it, just come on so Devin doesn’t have to keep making awkward conversation with a stranger! You can explain it to us later.”

She feels like she’s choking the whole way down the hall. Every inch of her wants to turn and run back to the safety of her bedroom, to grab Janaysia’s arm and plead with her to keep her safe, to not make her go out there, but she just keeps in step, body moving robotically just like it does with him.

Somewhere in her gut, she knows. No matter how much her brain tries to drown it out with protests of how it can’t be, he wouldn’t, she still knows. 

But nothing can prepare her for walking around the corner and seeing him. In their living room. Sitting on their couch. Chatting casually with one of her best friends, like he’s just a normal guy who can do normal things like that. 

All of the blood drains from Cadence’s face, and she stops moving, staring at him with blurred vision. Whatever words are being spoken are so far away she can’t hear them. All she knows is him, in their living room, on their couch.

Until he looks her way, smiling that smile that she sees in her nightmares. Her mind immediately zeroes in on his words to her, unable to risk missing anything. 

“Ah, Cadence, there you are. I guess it…slipped your mind, that you invited me over tonight?”

He’s here. He’s here. He’s here. Why? What does it mean, what is he going to do?

She nods, numb, not knowing what else to do but agree.

“Wait, is…Cady short for…Cadence?” Janaysia’s looking at her all wide-eyed and fascinated and she wants to scream, to tell them no, they can’t know about that, they can’t know about him, but it’s far too late for that because he’s right there, sitting on their couch.

“Oh, right, my bad.” He chuckles, waving a hand. “I keep forgetting she goes by that now. She’ll always be Cadence to me, I’m afraid.”

Devin smiles at her. “Oliver was just telling me -” he shouldn’t be saying his name so casually like that, it isn’t right -“a little about how the two of you met, back in college.”

College? It wasn’t college, it was after that, but that must be his cover story. She has to remember that, to make sure she doesn’t slip up and say the wrong thing and mess it all up.

Assuming they all make it past this night with secrets still intact. They have to. Her friends’ lives depend on it.

“It’s a shame we lost touch after a while, but I’m so glad I ran into her again recently.”

“Was that…at the birthday party?” Janaysia is too smart for all of this. She’s already starting to put a few pieces together, and if this continues she might put together more. Cadence has to play her part, she can’t let her find out. But she can’t make herself move, there’s no way that she can act anywhere near normal with him in the room. When he’s here, she has to be still and be quiet and wait for him to tell her what to do. She can’t act like herself. 

She isn’t even sure she knows what that means anymore, anyway.

“Right! At Devin’s birthday party. So sorry for stealing her away, by the way, we just had so much catching up to do.”

Janaysia’s smile says that she’s still a little miffed about the whole thing. “Well, next time a little heads up would be nice before she just disappears, we were definitely worried! But no real harm done, in the end.”

She could almost laugh aloud at that, if she wasn’t frozen in place and could remember how. There had been plenty of harm done. But they could never, ever know about it.

“Well.” Devin slaps his hands down onto his thighs, then stands. “I’m gonna go get started on dinner, and let you two visit.”

Cadence startles, eyes darting to both her friends before zoning in on the floor. Don’t leave me don’t leave me please don’t leave me. Except that she doesn’t want them here, either. They don’t need to be anywhere near him, they need to run, to go far far away where he can’t get to them. But if they leave, he’ll be free to do whatever he wants to her. As long as they’re in the room, he’s leaving her alone.

“Yep, I’ll come help you. Any, uh…food allergies, Oliver?”

He smiles brilliantly at Janaysia. “None at all, thank you for asking.”

“Alright, perfect.” She turns to leave, but looks at Cadence first, brow furrowing in concern. “You okay?” she asks softly.

All she can do is nod. It isn’t anywhere near convincing, but she can’t even force a smile or look her in the eye.

But apparently Janaysia reads her emotions as something completely different, anyway. She reaches out and squeezes her arm gently, leaning in. “Don’t be nervous, he obviously likes you. Also…he is hot, just saying.” With a quiet laugh, she walks into the adjoining kitchen with Devin. A couple of seconds later, she reappears with Cadence’s dry erase board, handing it over with another smile before leaving again. 

Her gaze slides up until it finds his, boring into her with all its usual intensity, and quickly drops back down. Her pulse is pounding in her ears. She grips the dry erase marker too tightly, the hard plastic digging into the bones of her fingers, as her breath stutters in and out of her closed-over throat. 

“Come sit down, Cadence.”

His tone is pleasant, but she knows better than to think it’s a suggestion. Her feet lurch into motion. Two steps on the hardwood, five more across the worn out rug and around the ottoman. The closer to him she gets, the harder it is to breathe. But she sinks down onto the couch, anyway, just a few inches away from him. His hand immediately finds her thigh. “So good to see you again.” His fingers begin to squeeze, digging into her skin with a promise of more to come. “You really should get out of the house more often.”

[itsaceokay]

Hi! Sorry to bother, but i need some help. I think i might be asexual but idk im not entirely sure. I had sex before many times with different people and never ever I’ve enjoyed it, it always hurt (im a girl) i've tried sex with same gender as well and it feels the same. I feel like i’ve been having sex just to feel normal (?) just because you are supposed to, not because i want to. Makes me feel so lonely because the entire society its obsessed with sex, sex it’s everything and not been able to enjoy it makes me feel bad. the reason why I'm not sure if I'm asexual its because i wish i could enjoy it. I don't know what its wrong with me. Sorry for this i just need it to tell this to someone. Also sorry if my writing its terrible english isn't my first language 🥲

Hello! No bother, I'm happy to try and help :)

First of all, there's definitely nothing wrong with you! It's a whole lot more common to be confused about sex and not have a 'magical' sexual experience than you might think.

When it comes to deciding if you're asexual, the thing you need to focus on is attraction. Some asexuals do have sex and enjoy it (or feel neutral about it), while others never have sex at all or decide they hate the experience. Deciding whether you experience sexual attraction can be tricky, but if you're not sure you've ever felt it, there's a chance you're somewhere on the ace spectrum.

Also, there are lots of asexuals who wish they could have and enjoy conventional sexual relationships, which makes sense considering we all live in a world where this is presented as one of the main ways to be happy and fulfilled. Enjoying sexual content and thinking about sex is also possible for asexuals - like I said, the only thing that makes someone asexual is a lack of sexual attraction, not desire, not pleasure - those things depend on the person.

The experiences you've talked about above honestly could belong to someone of any orientation, and I'm sorry to hear you've had a difficult time. Sex shouldn't hurt for anyone, so that's something to look into if you do want to continue in the future. Remember that you never have to have sex unless you want to - there are plenty of straight and gay people who might not be interested in having sex for long or short portions of their lives even though they experience sexual attraction. Sometimes it's just not the right time or the right person.

Sexuality can be complicated and it can take time to figure out what you want. I think the important thing for you to focus on is what you do know right now and then work on figuring out the rest. If you don't want to have sex, don't force yourself to just because everyone else is. It can often feel like you're the only person who feels this way and peer pressure is real - but there are so many people, both asexuals and non-asexuals, who are overwhelmed by many people's sex obsession.

A lot of the time I feel lonely too since a lot of people around me also focus on sexual or romantic relationships. Loneliness can be a difficult thing to beat, but expanding your social circle can help. Maybe try and meet new people in different places - some of them may make you feel less alone, especially if there are things you have in common that you can talk about that don't involve relationships.

Hope this answer helped :) Best of luck to you and remember that life often feels a lot harder when you aren't living it in a way that feels right to you.

[praple-art]

I am absolutely LIVING off of pirate Leo I swear😭 it fits his personality SO well I am absolutely loving him!! also, DRAXUM MIKEY DRAXUM MIKEY DRAXUM MIKEY!! i love how he can still be a happy little ball of energy and still have draxum as his caretaker:]] Big Mama Donnie always and will forever give me life it fits him SO well. Also, I love how the disaster twins parallel eachother alot whether it was intentional or not, like Donnie was raised by this elegant proper and slightly intimidating woman who Donnie grew up with which I'm sure altered a bit of his personality. And then...on the other hand we have Leo who grew up with freaking pirates. I'm positive when Donnie meets him hes gonna full on "I'm sorry- Your my twin??" Cause bro is a freaking pirate like??(unless they like aren't twins in the au, I need to read up on it more) But anyways, I just think that the dynamic between them is super super fun and interesting. Also, RAPH RAPH RAPH he's SO. COOL. in separated aus even when he's with Splinter. I can almost feel that little dudes anxiety like I cannot imagine man. Sorry for going on a rant I just really like this au :,]

AAA oh my god the excitement i felt when i saw this was nuts. thank you sososo much for takin the time to acknowledge my littl au, it means alot ^^

and honestly, pirate leo is like the thing im most proud of for coming up with, coz i just havent seen anyone else DO it, yknow? so im glad you and some other folks like the idea.

honestly when i was thinking of who to stick the turtles with i was just thinking, 'who would each of them be the most compatible with?', and looking at canon i think the choices are pretty clear,

leo with the pirates, because i wanted him to keep his connection with hueso.

mikey with draxum, because, well, just watch the show, draxxy has some favoritism goin on

donnie with big mama is more for a handfull of small reasons, like the way she compliments his tech and, he soaked up the attention like a sponge, aaaand theyr both purple

and raph honestly mostly stayed with splinter because the man needed to keep at least ONE of his sons, but that doesnt mean raph's story or personality isn't any less changed. And honestly... raph might actually be the turtle who ended up the MOST different from canon...because when i started thinking, alot of raph's anxiety in canon comes from rangling and protecting 3 unruly brothers, like i know he loves them and he wouldnt trade them for the world, but lets just say, his raph chasm in my au as alot more shallow...

aaand heres what donnie and leo's first thoughts upon meeting eachother would probably be like

im gonna try and hopefully make some more stuff to put out for this au. this is honestly the first time iv ever made and fleshed out an idea for an alternate universe like this so im not super sure how to expand on it, uhhh,, story-wise i guess?? but feedback and hearing thoughts deffo helps ^^; 💖💖😊

[beholdme]

dreamling darkest timeline

This is WHUMP kids, proceed with caution.

Written for @dreamlingbingo prompt 'darkest timeline'.

On ao3.

Hob Gadling wakes up in a medical tent towards the end of the second world war. He remembers nothing of the previous six centuries.

His clean slate becomes bloody very fast. Dream watches from his cage.

So we have Amnesia!Hob. 

A world war 2 explosion left him with a bit of shrapnel lodged in his brain. He recovered, of course, because he cannot die, but the metal damaged his memory, and it can’t heal unless it’s removed. But no one understands that, because. Immortality. 

Not even Hob knows he’s immortal anymore. 

He comes ‘home’ from the war but doesn’t remember what or where that is anymore. Something drives him to the White Horse, where he works for a few years. 

At some point in the 50s, he stumbles into a job at the Burgess house, working as one of Dream’s guards. “The Devil in the Basement” and all that. 

At first, Dream is. Hopeful. An emotion he hasn’t indulged in a very long time. When Hob doesn’t acknowledge him, he assumes he’s playing a con, getting into the Burgess’ good graces in order to stage a breakout. 

But time goes on. And on. 

It's the 60s and Hob hasn’t shown Dream any more interest than any other guard. Alex comes to visit and pleads with Dream to promise him safety in exchange for freedom. Dream sees Hob’s eyebrow twitch and thinks it’s a sign. He feels another bright spark of hope. 

Time goes on again. 

It’s the early 70s now. Hob has been back from the war for 25 years and he hasn’t aged a day. Watching the thing in the cell, his mind turns over and over, putting the pieces together. They are the right pieces, but they go together in the wrong order. 

In ‘72, Paul comments on Hob’s youthful appearance. Having been surrounded by the stink of spineless, greedy men, chasing the occult, all of Hob’s worst traits have been encouraged. 

He slits Paul’s throat, right then and there. He goes for Alex next. There aren’t many people working in the house anymore, so it is a quick thing to take care of them. 

He goes down to the cellar, to Dream, with a dripping knife and a grin on his face. He kills the second guard right in front of him, and Dream thinks the time has finally come. 

His traitorous spirit fairly glows with hope. With triumph. 

His friend has come for him after all this time. 

Only. 

He hasn’t. 

This Hob, you see. He’s never been in love. Never had a real friend. He has no anchor to meet him in the White Horse once a century. He is gluttonous, selfish, lustful. 

He is in a house full of spell books and insane amounts of money. 

He is his worst, most brilliant self. 

He smirks at Dream and practically purrs when he says, “I don’t know how I’ve done it, devil, but I’ve managed to steal your gifts after all. I am so interested to see what I can do with them, aren’t you?” 

“Dream of the Endless.” Hob laughs, a broken, awful sound that Dream realises he has missed acutely. “What a joke. Who wants to be endless in a cage?” 

Dream thinks he is most heartbroken to hear Hob call him by a name… a name he seems to have no recollection of ever having longed for at all. 

At first, nothing much changes except that Dream is actually alone down in the basement. No more guards. Hob watched him for long enough that he knows Dream can’t get out of that cage on his own, and he’s been reading, you see. 

He knows how the binding works, perhaps better than anyone ever has. He’s even improved it. Puts a second circle around the house, the sort that blocks all Endless power. Dream feels the moment it happens. The moment asking his siblings for helps becomes impossible, rather than just anathema to who he is. 

Something about this change shifts Dream’s awareness. Before he was contained in his prison, but now it has expanded. Not in a way that might allow him to free himself, to grasp his power in any real way, but now he can. Hear. Feel. Experience what is going on in the house. 

It is almost worse, like half-blindness that reminds him of the beauty of the world without showing him any of the sense details to make it truly inhabitable. 

But what is to be done? Nothing. 

So Dream sits in his bubble. He tracks Hob’s movements when he is at home. Sees him take the Burgess fortune and increase it exponentially. Watches as people come and go, more and more important people, who Hob seems to enjoy influencing, puppeteering, and manipulating, for no other reason than he can. 

A phantom in the dark, using his stolen power to change the world in ways it should never be changed. The Spectre, people call him, a name whispered in the meagre minds of men with too much fear and not enough originality. 

Dream cries more often now. His emotions, once too full of the collective unconscious to narrow down to his individualism, seem to fluctuate like the weather. Sometimes reluctant awe. Sometimes disgusted fascination. So often, there are tears in his pretty eyes. 

Hob enjoys coming down and visiting him, still, and those times when Dream is teary and visibly shaken are his favourite. All of those years, the Burgess’ couldn’t move Dream of the Endless, but now he shudders and spills tears for the Robbert Gadling of the 20th century. A man who has exceeded and destroyed all Dream’s expectations in such an unfathomable way that Dream simply. Does not understand the world any longer. If, indeed, he ever did at all.

Dream wonders if this was his sister’s purpose all along. 

But Hob visits and tells him tales of his adventures , of his triumphs, and Dream almost comes to treasure those moments. For it is then that he is reminded of those times so long ago, when Dream of the Endless and Hob Gadling met at the tavern of the White Horse, and Hob told him tales of his adventures. His voice, his curiosity, his very desire for life. 

Perhaps all Dream will ever be again is a thing in a cage. But at least he still has these stories, to nourish a part of him long atrophied, no matter how poisoned the source. 

The Prince of Stories and his Spectre in the dark. 

[pearl-blue-musings]

Okay I’m gonna expand on this (is this kinda based on my selfship? Only a little)

Aventurine being assigned to Penacony didn’t deter him from trying to earn your affection. See, the two of you have crossed paths before, mostly for business meetings and arrangements as you are the assistant for another higher up in the IPC. He hasn’t pleaded that he needs an assistant but it wouldn’t hurt if it was you. He remembers the first time he met you, you were helping him get on his feet within the IPC after he met with Jade, thus you know of his real name.

He tried to ignore you. Not because he was ashamed of killing and being a former slave, but because of you look at him the way you did when your eyes first met he would crumble. It’s taken him years to build up his resolve and block out any negative thoughts; after all he needs a stone cold heart to be used by anyone. When he heard that you had worked hard within the IPC to make a living for yourself and still struggling to make ends meet, he wanted to buy everything you could ever need.

“No thanks, I’m not some charity case. Go waste your money somewhere else.”

Men like Aventurine angered you to no end. Just because you’re pretty and have a sad and tragic backstory doesn’t mean everyone is going to hand you life on a silver platter. Sure, you were there when he became the new Stoneheart and helped clean him up as an underling, and prepared him for his new life. Some people have to actually work hard! The Swarm destroyed your home and almost killed you. But you were determined to make it out, giving you a commonality with the Sigonian. Being the last of your kind, you thought he would know what it’s like to struggle, to be considered lesser, to have nothing. His luck, his fucking luck was everything you wanted.

Aventurine saw the way other higher ups in various departments treated you. You were constantly passed off from department to department because of a “strong, stubborn attitude, and an unwillingness to bend to directions”. He knew you wanted to be a senior director at some point and why remaining within the IPC was important for you. Every time you were switched to a new department and got a lower job, he would offer to help with moving expenses and the like. Once again, you would reject him.

“I don’t need your condescending sarcasm. I’m perfectly capable of doing this myself. And if you’re going to be like everyone else here, wanting to keep my bloodline going you can forget it.”

The way you would talk back to him had his heart pumping. You cling to his brain in ways that scared him yet filled him with excitement. And unknown to you, he was having the same exact effect. However, one fateful day had you in Diamond’s office with Jade, Topaz, and Aventurine. They began to discuss Penacony and their future plans. In your head you’re thinking, “what does this have to do with me? Why is someone like me even here?”

Jade turns to Topaz and Topaz smiles. “I heard you’ve been trying to get some better work.” You nod quietly as you keep your gaze straight ahead and not at the gorgeous man to your left who’s been a pain in your ass and heart for years now. “You’ve stacked up quite the reputation in the IPC but no one ever wants to keep you around. Why is that?”

You gulp and fidget in your place. “As the only survivor of my planet, many workers have tried to make me grateful to them. And although I am grateful for my life and being where I am, I am no one’s puppet. I may be alone but I am not weak. Nor am I someone who is swayed by material things.” That last one was very clearly a dig at Aventurine and you hear him scoff.

Topaz chuckles. “Well then, how about you help us out with Penacony? Keeping this one on track. He does like to gamble and bet his life away; make sure he doesn’t do anything too reckless unless necessary.” Your heart skips a beat as your stomach drops. You? Going to the Land of Dreams with the man that holds your heart- er the man that has bothered you for years? Lovely.

You breathe sharply through your nose as you bow slightly. “I accept. I shall be Aventurine’s assistant for this upcoming mission. What do I tell the people in marketing?”

“Leave that to me,” Jade intercepts. “Now run along, your ship leaves in 3 system hours.”

****

Just one thing, he wants to get you one thing from Golden Hour. But almost every time he points out a design he caught you staring at, you reject him or shrug it off. Do you still think he sees you as a charity case? There’s no way of that. In between talks with the Astral Express and conversations with Dr. Ratio, the two of you have been busy exploring and researching Penacony. Even when you first arrived, he arranged for you to have a VIP room near his and you nearly chewed his head off for it.

You won’t tell him but you secretly wanted to be near him anyways. He didn’t have to buy it for you.

When the two of you explored the casinos, you had asked him what this has to do with the mission. To which he replied, “it doesn’t. I want to prove myself to you.”

You quirk an eyebrow at him, but his gaze hardens on yours. He quickly rolls the dice without looking and takes home the big winnings. You roll your eyes and get up, of course you bought the dress he was going to give you, before he grabs your wrist. “You know I could’ve bought that for you.”

You roll your eyes as the teller brings him his check. “I don’t need your money! I’m not some project to spend money on to fix! I’m not broken because I’m the last of my kind.”

He chuckles then. “And why would you think I want to fix you? I like you the way you are. And if you must know,” he pushes up out of the chair, inconsequently pulling you closer to him, “I spend money on people and things I care about. I want to spoil you because you work hard and deserve it.” His breath is hot against your lips, his fingers trailing down the sides of your silken dress.

“And you’re someone I want. And if I’m right, you want me too.”

You blink furiously to keep the warmth flooding to your cheeks at bay. “W-what are you talking about? I don’t-“

“Everyone in the IPC knows the Stonehearts don’t need assistants. Yet here you are. You showed me kindness when first meeting me.” His forehead presses against yours in a moment of vulnerability. “You were the first person to touch me so gently and not judge me for what I’d done.” His hands slowly cup your face, “and you don’t like me for my money and status. You like me for me. And you should know, I never wanted to “buy you” because of who you are.”

It’s hard to look away from his gorgeous eyes as your breath catches in your throat. “A-aventurine…”

“That’s not my name,” he says breathlessly.

“…Kakavasha.”

Never in your life had you experienced a kiss so tender, so soft. Looking at him, no one would have guessed he was capable of such softness. But with you he treats like his cornerstone. You had always thought after getting his position he was power hungry and greedy. And although he acts like that, it’s not his true nature. The work surrounding this mission is not ideal and you know you may lose him, but this moment right now is worth it.

Aventurine “I can buy you and anything you need” with reader “who can’t be bought but is super expensive and out of his reach”. Secretly mutual pining, miscommunication, in this essay I will

[at-the-end-of-days]

So let’s talk briefly about Joel 2 since I’ve just given my own run down of those versus. There are better breakdowns on the internet, found with an easy Google search, that really dive deep into each individual verse. Christianity isn’t a new religion, there have been plenty of scholars over the years who have studied it far more deeply than I have, or could ever. After all, I don’t speak Greek, Latin, or Hebrew.

Something I don’t like when talking about the end times is how readily Christians want to “skip ahead.” To the Rapture, completely ignoring everything that comes before that (and I blame Billy Graham for a good bit of that) or skipping what Jesus said.

I think that our takeaway from Joel is that he has expanded upon what Revelations has said will happen, rather than giving us a list of events that must happen before Revelations as Jesus told us. The locusts will be.. terrible, assuming that we live to see that.

But we should all take a breath, and look for what Jesus has said will come first.

Mark 13, verses 5-8, the New King James Version.

“Take heed lest any man deceive you: For many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and shall deceive many. And when ye shall hear of wars and rumours of wars, be ye not troubled: for such things must needs be; but the end shall not be yet. For nation shall rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom: and there shall be earthquakes in divers places, and there shall be famines and troubles: these are the beginnings of sorrows.”

Now, I DO NOT claim to be Jesus made flesh. I do not claim to be a messiah. I do not claim to be a savior. But I do see many claiming that our troubles can be solved if we only lose weight, only look pretty, only use this specific self help book, if we listen to this economist, if, if, if- I don’t think we’ll see people claiming to be the reembodied Christ unless we’re walking the streets of New York City. But I do think that people are claiming to be saviors of a fashion, acting as deceivers, promising to make lives better… for a price.

And if we take this verse to stretch longer than the present day.. how many religious leaders, cult leaders, have come forward and led people away from the Church to create their own rules, their own laws? Mormonism, for example, the Church of Latter Day Saints… well. That’s enough said.

Wars and rumors of wars.

We’re in the thick of this now.

Earthquakes in many places? Absolutely.

Famines and troubles.. I think we’re headed into this now. And perhaps the grasshoppers won’t be so bad this year, even with El Niño. Maybe that’s a trouble for another time.

But I do think that that’s where we’re headed. Inflation has already hit so many, so hard, and a recession is knocking at the door. What is that, if not troubles?

But all we can do now? Is to prepare for the famines.

And that will surely be a problem that will strike others more harshly than some.. so we should be patient, kind, and generous where we can afford to do so.

All of this, and Revelations hasn’t even started in full. Or, perhaps it has.

Jesus then speaks of harassment for being Christians, and speaks of what I think truly begins the end of days.

Verses 14–23

Edit

Jesus then predicts a disastrous event in Judea:

Mark 13:14-23

"When you see 'the abomination that causes desolation' standing where it does not belong — let the reader understand — then let those who are in Judea flee to the mountains. Let no one on the roof of his house go down or enter the house to take anything out. Let no one in the field go back to get his cloak. How dreadful it will be in those days for pregnant women and nursing mothers! Pray that this will not take place in winter, because those will be days of distress unequaled from the beginning, when God created the world, until now— and never to be equaled again. If the Lord had not cut short those days, no one would survive. But for the sake of the elect, whom he has chosen, he has shortened them. At that time if anyone says to you, 'Look, here is the Christ!' or, 'Look, there he is!' do not believe it. For false Christs and false prophets will appear and perform signs and miracles to deceive the elect—if that were possible. So be on your guard; I have told you everything ahead of time. (14-23 NIV)

I think a nuclear bomb hits Israel.

But will this happen concurrently with the horsemen? Is this what famines and wars and rumors of wars mean? More earthquakes and famine and then war?

Next, we’ll discuss the horsemen.

But I think the tell tale sign that we are truly in the end of days… will be something to do with the Temple.

[pochx]

sorry class don't expand it's just mental illness posting again bc journals don't do it for me

i'm not. important to anyone right? at least i haven't really felt that way in well over a year, this much we can agree is fact.

so like what's the point

why bother because i'm as depressed lately as i was when i was a teen. i am literally falling apart. god if i could 🔪💀 myself i would.

sorry i'm all me, me, me but like

i'm so tired of having to beg for attention and not even getting it. like i'm only relevant when ppl want smth from me or have smth specific to say.

like i told my therapist that i can't initiate conversations w ppl unless i have a specific thing to discuss that pertains to them bc otherwise it will just go unanswered like 9/10 times it feels.

and i'm just. so lonely. ik everyone has their own things going on but i....

i only matter when relevant to ppl yknow? like i don't exist to them until then i feel.

idk i'm just being a sad bitch about it. who cares that i'm only a speck of dust in everyone's lives. who cares that i'm not loved in a way that can be felt. what does it matter that i'm not part of someones life in a way that matters.

i could like not exist and i wish i didn't but i could not be here and nothing would change. and idk how to express this in a way that ppl will get it because they hear it and don't really care to do anything different. bc i don't actually matter yeah?

maybe its my fault that i always want this from people who won't ever make me someone who matters to them or a part of their actual lives. they won't ever.

[atlas-of-a-human-soul]

Draw your swords, pt. 13

Summary: Terrified of losing Y/N, the Darkling lets his defenses fall.

Warnings: angst, slight fluff, sexual content

Part one // Part two // Part three // Part four // Part five // Part six // Part seven // Part eight // Part nine // Part ten // Part eleven // Part twelve  

=================================

“Stay with me”, the Darkling trembled as he rushed back to the camp. He held her body close to his chest, her head slumped right where his heart beats thunderstorms in her name.

She’s slipping away, he can feel it. The injuries she suffered and the power she used weakened her irreversibly.

He should be angry with her, enraged, but he had no strength to spare for violent emotions. His heart couldn’t bare much more than the pain he found himself drowning in. It wasn’t the pain of his own wounds, rather the pain of her parted lips and ragged breaths that came like final gushes of air her lungs released.

“HEALER!” He shouted, hoping, praying to the Saints he never believed in before.

“HEALER!” There was something in his screams for help, an unimaginable pain behind it.

Y/N’s fingers twitched, her chest rising in a strange manner; what should expand with an inhale suddenly draws in, a paradox he had seen in dying soldiers.

“HEALER!” It was the kind of scream that went straight for the heart.

Everyone tensed, following the Darkling – a man who never showed genuine emotion other than rage. His call for healers felt like a cry from the heart and soul that stretched across the foundations of who he is. The anguish tore through him as he saw a healer run toward him.

Letting out a shuddered breath in relief, he collapsed to his knees. “Not me!” He growled as the healer tried placing her hands on him, “Help her! Save my wife!”

Nodding, the healer looked down at Y/N with wide eyes. Another healer arrived too, then another, and another.

The Darkling refused to let her out of his embrace as two of the healers tried to take her away. “No!”

“We have to take her”, the first healer insisted. “She doesn’t have long and we have to act fast and that’s not going to happen while you’re clinging to her!” Eyes wide, she covers her mouth as it dawns on her who she’s speaking to. “Respectfully, General.”

Staring at her with raw suffering, Aleksander licked his trembling lips. He closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around her. Leaning in, he pressed a kiss to her temple instead of her forehead – forehead kisses in this moment would feel as if he’s kissing her corpse before her final rest. 

He couldn’t stomach that thought.

“If you die, I’ll never forgive you”, he whispers. 

This isn’t how it’s meant to be, how it’s supposed to be. He could never believe anyone ever loved anyone the way he loves her.

Nothing ever made him so frightened as the thought of losing her.

“Take her”, Mal tells them. Looking down at Kirigan who seemed incapable of standing back up on his own, he realized he had to take over.. “And send someone for your General. Send everyone for the wounded in the field.”

Aleksander looked up, jaw clenched and eyes swimming in tears he has yet to shed.

“I’m not leaving”, Mal quipped. “She’s my General.”

Y/N wasn’t able to scream, despite the pain darkening her mind. She tried to focus on her breathing, on staying alive. The only awareness she had was of Aleksander’s arms around her – she felt his scent. When he touched her face, when he tried to gain her attention, she couldn’t open her eyes. Her ears kept ringing, mixing with a rumbling inside his chest. She managed to blink her eyes open once, just one more time to see him, but all she managed to get was a glimpse of his chin and beard.

She wondered how he’d look without it, if it would make him seem boyish, softer. Maybe it would have erased the burden on his shoulders - they may be wide, but they shouldn’t have to carry all that weight alone.

Suddenly, his scent was gone. She tried to reach for him, but her arms could not move, hanging freely instead. Cold seeped in, clinging to her insides, wrapping itself around her heart.

Slowly, her agony had faded. The pain gradually lifted, dissipating like fog. For a moment, she wondered if this is what death feels like – no more pain? No more suffering? Being alone and cold?

Despite everything, if she had a choice, she’d embrace the pain. If pain means she would return to him, to his warm arms, she’d gladly suffer.

Dizzy, confused, she felt herself being pulled up into reality. The disjointed haze receded enough for her to make sense of the world around her. Her eyelids feel heavy as she opens her eyes, the edges of her vision flickering. Blinking fast, her eyebrows knitted as her vision blurred.

‘Aleksander’, she wanted to call, but couldn’t say a word. 

How odd it is that he’s the last one she thought about when she thought she’d die and he’s still the first one to come to mind when she wakes? 

She no longer felt cold. He always had the ability to keep the cold away.

Sniffling, she jerked her hands away as she became aware of another’s touch. Sitting up on a table she was laid upon, she pulled herself aside before looking to the one who touched her earlier.

“It’s just me”, he raised his hands in mock surrender. “I needed to see you.” His voice is soft, sweet like honey.

Scoffing, she narrows her eyes at him and the cup of water he held out for her to take. Her mouth is dry, her throat like sandpaper. She may be angry with him, but the water he held out felt more important than their fight.

“Are you in any pain?” He asks, watching her drink all of the water in one go. “I could have them come and take it away.”

Letting out a loud sigh, she wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. Raising an eyebrow, she licked her dry lips.

“Can they take you away?”

Snorting, he suppresses a smile. As long as she’s capable of annoying him, she’s going to be fine.

“What were you thinking?” Threading his fingers through his hair, Aleksander frowned. “You could have died.”

“Would have saved you a lot of trouble in the future”, she quips. Standing, she stumbles.

Feeling his hands on her waist, Y/N felt her heart skip a beat. Even now, when she’d like nothing more than to walk away, her body reacts to him. Looking up at him, she inhales sharply as she sees the tears in his eyes.

“I’m scared”, he admitted and she blinked.

“Of what?” She frowned, “Me?” Does her power frighten him? Because it frightens her.

He shook his head, “Of me”, he looked at her. His hands trembled as they touched her skin, “I’m scared of hurting you.”

“I’m scared of you hurting me, too.”

Dropping his hand, he takes a step back. “I don’t think I’m capable of ever hurting you.”

“Tell that to my neck”, she remarks. Her hand brushes over where his hand had tightened its grip just the night before, fixing his gaze on him. He seemed to regret it.

‘Good’, she thought. ‘I hope it haunts him, because it will haunt me.’

“I apologize”, Aleksander swallows thickly. He can’t remember the last time he apologized to someone. A part of him questioned if he ever apologized for anything he’s done in his unusually long life. “I had no right to act the way I did.”

“You once told me I could choose the way to punish you if you ever hurt me”, she takes his hand, intertwining their fingers.

Aleksander nods, “I’m a man of my word.”

“What’s your name”, she asks. “Real name.”

His eyes locked on hers like magnets of different polarities. Isn’t that exactly what they are? She’s his polar opposite in every way, fated to attract.

“Aleksander Morozova.” He uttered a name long forgotten; a name he wanted to forget. 

Aleksander was a weak boy who failed everyone that cared for him. He was soft, young, naïve and a damned fool for ever believing Grisha would ever be free. Even now as he elevated their status, Grisha had to serve a human – the Tsar.

Her eyes held barely contained anger. As her hands clasped, a few stray flickers of light appeared on her fingertips. Unclasping her hands immediately, she raised her chin up. “I want to know everything. Tell me your story.”

“And when will I hear yours?” Darkling demanded, swiping his thumb under his lower lip.

“You seem to mistake this for negotiations”, she maintained eye contact defiantly. “Last night you told me to either go back to the Palace or to cross the fold and return to my father. It’s a choice that would easily mean I can choose to stay with you or leave and never look back.”

Placing a hand on his chest, Y/N smirked. “You can either tell me the whole truth or watch me leave.” She spoke through gritted teeth, “Don’t push me unless you’re willing to lose.” 

Cupping his left cheek, she allowed a luminescent glow cast a light on his handsome features. She was angry, so angry and tired and her own power often terrified her. For once, she wanted to use it for her own benefit rather than hide it.

“What good will it do?” Aleksander’s bottom lip quivers as her light illuminates tears collecting in his dark eyes. “You’ll hate me as they all do. Even my mother saw me as a monster.”

“I’ve seen what you really are. And I never turned away…what makes you think I will now?”

She felt his jaw clench under the palm of her hand as he swallowed thickly, “You would if you could see my heart, all of it.”

Exhaling through her nose, she shook her head. Her eyes soften, her lips parting. How could she ever be indifferent to his suffering? She wished she could be colder, to leave him in tears and not look back. Hearing his words, his belief that he’s unlovable tugged at her heartstrings. 

"Have you no faith in me?"

In a fight, they’re lethal, but around each other their armor is gone.

“I’ve waited for you for centuries. I dreamed about you for hundreds of years before I ever saw your face. I longed for you, missed you, died and lived for you.” Taking her face in his hands, Aleksander bends. His forehead meets hers as his nose brushes against the tip of hers.

“Ever since I laid eyes on you, my dreams have been clearer, focused on you. And in my dreams I am kissing your mouth and you’re whispering ‘where have you been’”, his eyes overflow with tears as he continues with a fractured smile. “I say, ‘I’ve been lost, but I’m here now’.” 

Swallowing thickly, he felt as if his heart was breaking. “You’re the only person who has ever been able to find the real me. You saw me underneath all the darkness.” Reaching for her hand, his fingers tremble. “I was waiting for you without knowing it. I’ll make up for all the mistakes, for all the years I was supposed to be kissing you.”

“So why is it so hard for you to be honest with me?” She whispers, her hands trembling as they hold onto his shoulders.

His frown deepens, “Why weren’t you honest with me?”

“You once joked and said I’m no Inferni”, she shrugged. “You were right about that. My mother was. Father never knew about either of us. Your turn.”

“I was honest”, he sighs. Stepping back, he frowns. “I told you my name, I answered your questions about the black heretic.”

Reaching for him, she felt her heartache intensify once his tears began to flow freely across his cheeks.

“Don’t”, he recoiled from her touch. She wrapped her arms around her own waist, hurt by the rejection. 

“It’s not easy for me to talk about my past. It’s as if I’m cutting myself open, letting the ugliness spill out. It’s not painless.” Swallowing thickly, Darkling’s eyes widen as he tries to hold back more tears from escaping him. “It would have been simpler to close myself off and find an unremarkable lover who’d never dare defy me, but I keep taking the risk because I want to be with you and I hope that one day you will feel the same way about me.”

“I want”, she stopped, tucking her hair behind her ears. 

His voice was quieter, “What do you want? I’ll give you everything.”

“I don’t know”, she replied honestly. “I’m hurt, Aleks. You hurt me after you promised to protect me.”

Running a hand across his face, wiping his tears away. He averts his gaze. Watching her break because of him deepens the cracks in his poorly stapled, bleeding heart.

“What do you want”, she looked to him with a weight in her chest. How can loving someone hurt so badly even when the love is reciprocated?

“Never mind what I want”, he turned away. Facing her now would have chipped away at his fragile sanity, so he did what a coward would – he hid.

“You asked what I want”, she placed her hands on her hips. “I want to know what you want.”

Shaking his head, he let out a breathless chuckle. “You”, he smiled. “I’ll always want you.”

Closing the distance between them, she closed her arms around his neck. Before she could reach for him, he gripped her by her thighs and lifted her effortlessly. Wrapping her legs around his waist on instinct, she got lost in the rush of blood to her head when he pinned her against the table behind her. He paused, searching her eyes. 

Whatever he was looking for, she hoped he found it.

“I don’t own you”, his eyes flicker to her lips as she sinks her front teeth into the soft flesh of her bottom lip. “I never did. Human or Grisha, you always owned me. I was just too blind to see it.”

Brushing his lips against hers, Aleksander smiled in resignation. His eyes are so different in moments like these, softer than she ever imagined eyes could be.

“Your silver tongue won’t get you far”, she struggled to keep her eyes open with his lips a whisper away. “But you’re free to try.”

She felt his burning gaze, finding it hard to concentrate on much besides breathing. He observed her, capturing her soft, naturally charming and appealing nature. She’s genuine and sweet, the reason why everyone’s head turns when she walks into the room.

How did he not realize it before?

She’s the sun.

She always was. 

He always did squint angrily at her like he does with the fireball in the sky.

Y/N’s hands ran up and down his chest as her lips claimed his - passionately, roughly, determinedly. Without a word, she started to unbutton his kefta, her cold fingertips brushing his warm skin - until she lost patience and ripped the bottom part wide open, pressing her palm against his chest as he broke the kiss.

“Are you sure?” He raised his eyebrows in concern.

“I’ll be mad at you tomorrow. Kiss me”, she ordered, drawing a smile on his lips as she pulled him closer, her lips reattaching to his, her teeth sinking into his lower one.

Pushing him onto the floor, she didn’t waste time. Her bottoms were down so quickly he hardly had time to take a proper breath before she unfastened his pants too.

Heaving, Aleksander could hardly get enough of the view on top of him - her beautiful mouth opening in pleasure every time she sunk down on him, her eyes rolling back into her head, her hands placed over his chest to keep herself steady. She speeds up, prompting his loud, uninhibited moans that drew an honest smile upon her lips. He trusted up and into her as his high hit fully, taking her by surprise. She gasped, his thrust giving her an unexpected release as she clenched around him.

Gasping for breath, she laid on top of him. Y/N was very aware of his arm around her as it pulled her close, his hand on her hip, giving it a light squeeze. He leaned into her, his lips pressing a tender kiss to her temple, making her tingle with anticipation of something more - something she shouldn’t think about after their argument.

How can she trust his change of heart has nothing to do with the fact she’s the Sun Summoner? How can she ever trust him at all?

Clearing her throat, she pulled herself off Aleksander. “Put something on, someone might come in”, she told him as she secured her pants back on. She could hardly look at him, afraid he’d weaken her resolve. She couldn’t forgive him so easily, even if her heart ached for him.

“Let me in”, a voice from outside the tent made Y/N look to the entrance with a frown.

She crossed the distance swiftly, her hands ready in case she had to use her sword. She goes to place her hand on the hilt only to find her sword is not on her.

It’s a good thing that’s not her only weapon.

“Hey!” She shouts at the Grisha as they pulled someone away. “Stop!”

“General?!” Mal laughs as he manages to look back at her, fighting against the Grisha.

“Mal?” She chuckles, glad to see he’s still alive. 

“Leave him alone!” She orders, feeling a presence behind her. She didn’t need to look to know it’s Aleksander. Unfortunately for him, she wasn’t in the mood for anymore talking.

“You’re alive?!” Mal goes in for the hug, but his eyes catch a glimpse of Kirigan’s glare and he slowly backs away. “We need to regroup.”

“How many have we lost?” She frowns.

“You’re Grisha now”, Aleksander speaks up. “You don’t have to fight for the humans.”

Glancing over her shoulder, she scoffs at him. How could he even think she’d give up on her people now? 

“That’s not something I’d like. I enjoy my humanity.”

She was the flame who lit his life on fire and while he was burning, he wanted to thank her for it and ask her to stay a while longer. Darkling nearly chuckled at the thought of calling her fire, but she is and he craves the burn.

The Darkling wanted Y/N to be the one addicted to him, in equal measure as he was addicted to her. He wanted to give her a reason to stay with him, if not for love, then for lust. He’d find a way to her heart in the meantime and knowing they’ll have a forever comforts him, but he needed to have her in every other way until then.

He knew he could make her truly happy if she’d let him and he wasn’t about to let her go.

Not without a fight.

Watching her walk away with the soldier, he clicked his tongue. Mal, whoever he is, poses a threat he needs to handle.

Swiftly.

=============================

A/N - I struggled so much writing this chapter, hope you guys like it. I’m probably gonna pass out now, I’m exhausted. xx

Tags: @bruxa0007 @rangotangomango @kaitlyn2907 @thestoryofmylife9 @shelivesindaydreamswme @hxrgreeves @safetyhtom @kaqua @savannah-elliott @all-art-is-quite-useless  @azure23x @girlmadeofavocados @ashdab2611 @acciorudolphx @ladyblablabla @wckedheart @xceafh @sanna2020 @tarkanelima-blog @takethee @mellifluous-cosmos @marvel-ousnesss @tea-effect @starlightofsolaria @p3nny4urth0ught5 @blackbirddaredevil23 @sarcastic-and-cool @slytherinsbiggestproblem @within-thehollowcrown @notthatchhavi @musicconversedance @freakytillthemoon @lgkoval @honeyofthegods @queenmalhinewahine @misselsbells06 @whatthefluffrichard @aami98 @britriestbr @itsfangirlmendes @padme-parker @readingsssssssss @runawayolives @thehighladyofasgard @emlynblack @keithseabrook27 @dailydoseofchoices @deceivedeer @olympiacosplay @pansysgirlfriend @extrakyloren  @daybleedsintonightfa11 @thoughts-and-funnies @weirdowithnobeardo @folkloresworld @remugoodgirl @yagorlemmalyn @gonehopelessgirl @fefethecoffeeaddict @naughtynecromancer @poison-of-the-ivie @strawb3rrydr3ss @supersouthy @theilliterateironman @evyiione @kimoranelson03 @wizardwheezes @woodsabby6 @liajiah @its-carlerrr​ 

PART 14

[arichz]

   * . 　 ✰ . ˚    ❛      INCOMING FACETIME — birthgiver. 🙄

              the repeated ringing of her macbook pro and iphone alerted 𝐀𝐑𝐈𝐀 that there was a incoming call on her devices that needed to be tended too. she was in the midst of studying for one of her music classes outside of her sorority house, but decided she could take a small break to speak to whoever was calling her. clicking on the notification at the top of her laptop screen, she expanded the facetime app as her eyes scanned to see who was calling her. an immediate grunt left her throat as her eyes scanned over her contact name for her mother     (  imaged here. ). nibbling down on her bottom lip, she took an ample amount of rings to consider leaving her mothers call exactly where it was, not being in the mood to hear her nagging and smothering now— or really ever. deciding against it, she rolled her eyes at the reflective screen of her face before plastering on a fake grin and clicking the answer button on the screen, immediately coming into contact with her mother’s face.

         ‘       hey ma,      ’     ─── 𝐀𝐑𝐈𝐀.

         ‘          hi, baby ( ! ) i almost thought you wouldn’t answer.      ’          ─── 𝐀𝐍𝐊𝐀.

         ‘        anyway, i was calling because i heard about the song you produced and released last week with— oh, i can’t remember their names— but it was nice. i keep telling you i can get you to work with some bigger names in the industry, but you never seem to want my help.      ’           ─── 𝐀𝐍𝐊𝐀.

        ‘      i’m doing great, thanks for asking ( ! ) yeah, classes are going pretty good, i can’t complain. that artist 𝐊𝐀𝐘𝐂𝐘𝐘 has actually worked really closely with kanye and some other names, so i think i’m doing fine. i don’t know why you literally don’t ever listen to me when i say i don’t need your help.         ’         ─── 𝐀𝐑𝐈𝐀.

       ‘        i know you’re fine, honey. i just wanna’ help you out in anyway i can. i just absolutely adore that you’re following in my footsteps in this producing career. that’s not why i called, though ( ! ) so, i may or may not have been doing a few things behind the scenes and talking to some faculty members to help out the university here and there ( ! ) i wrote a nice hundred thousand or something check over to the school to donate to my beautiful alma mater. i also wrote another check out to lambda theta mu as welllll, i know the girls will be ecstatic to hear about some more money coming into the chapter ( ! ) ugh, i miss my undergrad sorority days. also, i heard from a little birdie you’ve been around campus with a young man—      ’         ─── 𝐀𝐍𝐊𝐀.

       ‘             ma, what the fuck ( ! ) why did you do that ( ? ) i literally told you i wanted to live my college career out without you going around putting your name all over the place while i’m here. i don’t want anyone here tying me to you, and you know that. please, stop. the school’s doing perfectly fine without you and your endorsements. i’m doing perfectly fine without you and your endorsements. i swear, you don’t ever want anything to do with me unless it has something to do with you making yourself yourself out to be mother of the year. you don’t actually give a damn about me or what i have going on, so just cut the act. when was the last time you actually asked me how i was doing ( ? )  actually, i gotta’ go. i’ll talk to you later.           ’         ─── 𝐀𝐑𝐈𝐀.                                       

             𝐅𝐀𝐂𝐄𝐓𝐈𝐌𝐄 ───  𝐄𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐃.      ╱         (      3 𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘴, 9 𝘴𝘦𝘤��.     )