#as an introvert who would barely speak as a kid it’s exhausting trying to be an extrovert

[stargirldotcom]

sorry i was really awkward at the party. i was voluntarily mute as a child

[captainrexforever]

Solace

Rating: T

Word count: ~4.5k

Summary: After a nightmare, the reader and Din have a heart-to-heart, and realize they are not as different as they might think. 

Warnings: angst, fluff, Din w/o beskar, intense fear?? (basically reader has a nightmare) makeout at the end

Note: Fair warning, this is the first fic I have ever written. I was having some pretty intense inspiration, and once I began typing, the words just began to flow out. With that said, I welcome any constructive criticism; any hate received will be reported and blocked.

It's not late when you slip beneath the blanket that decorates your humble cot. In fact, you're not sure what time it is. Days spent in hyperspace have left you without the ability to recall which hours differentiate day and night. At this point, you sleep once you're exhausted, and wake up once you hear the kid begin to squeal for your company.

Mando doesn't seem to sleep at all. You often wonder if he is even human beneath the beskar. Perhaps, he is some humanoid species that doesn't require sleep.

That's silly, your mind whispers.

Oh, that's right.

Once Mando had returned with a bounty, blood dripping onto the durasteel panels of the hull, and a jagged tear in the visible duraweave below his left pauldron. Red blood and tanned fleshed were exposed to your eyes for the space of a minute. He had steered the oblivious bounty towards the carbonite freezing unit, and with a shove and a hiss of the machinery, the zabrak had been encased in a carbonite slab.

You hadn't moved, rooted to the spot, until Mando brushed past you, a jerk of his helmet the only recognition you received. He headed straight towards the ladder to the cockpit, his hand already moving to the cauterizer on his belt. It wasn't your job to distract him with unnecessary questions, so you had rolled your shoulders, cracked your neck, and then walked towards the kid who bobbed silently in his cradle.

It's been months since that particular incident. Months since you were tortured with the sight of his skin. It was only a sliver of his bare skin, but it had set your heart racing. These days, you two spoke more often, usually about the kid. Well to clarify, 'more often' meant a few sentences a day. The Mandalorian was still so quiet. It was strange to you. As a child, your household was always bustling with life, loud and busy. To be honest, you were the most introverted member of your family, and found yourself seeking out peace and quiet more often than not. Now though, it was too quiet, days on end spent spiraling through space. Mando never told you your destination, not that it would have mattered anyways. You weren't very knowledgeable about the geography of the outer rim.

As you lie on your cot, you wonder if you will ever earn the chance to know who he really is. You know that he hides his emotions beneath a stoic personality almost as impenetrable as the beskar he wears. There’s a thought that festers in your heart every night as you lay in bed. Does the Mandalorian have any feelings for you beyond that of an employer and their employee? 

You sigh.

You are being foolish and immature.

The Mandalorian is a good man, and he owes you nothing. He pays you fairly and treats you as an equal. Your mind is satisfied with that answer, but your heart protests the idea, holding out hope that he might think of you in the same way that you think of him. That is, with a fondness that you shouldn't be allowed to feel. Sometimes, you sit in the cockpit just to watch him fly. He seems more at ease there, as if he too belongs among the stars. It's a breathtaking view, watching streaks of light blur past the viewport, but somehow your gaze always falls upon him instead.

Sleep now, think later, you tell yourself.

And you do, sleep finally consuming you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There is a flash of light, a blinding presence beside you. It's a struggle to grasp a sense of your surroundings, your mind struggling to stay aware. Something is not right. You move to sit up, panic overtaking you when your limbs fail to comply, as if they are weighed down with lead.

Then you hear it.

The clink of beskar on beskar.

It's alright, he's here, he is going to protect you.  But you couldn't be more wrong. The being that steps out of the blinding light and into the dimly lit area surrounding your cot is terrifying. It certainly looks like Mando, the armor is the same, but his helmet is wrong. It's all wrong! Two eyes of pure crimson shine through the visor of the helmet, a sickening laugh escaping the figure, and then it's advancing on your prone form. You realize with a start how exposed you are, only a long tunic covers your form, and your blaster is hanging on the wall behind the figure. It reaches out, it's touch burning your skin, first your cheek then down your neck. It speaks suddenly, the voice twisted and warped.

"What a pretty prize. All mine, and so submissive, not that you could run from me anyways." Then there is a blaster pressed underneath your chin.

"No, stop! Leave me alone!"

It only chuckles darkly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Mandalorian sighs deeply in the cockpit. You had disappeared behind the curtain that separated your cot from the main hold some time ago, the child already asleep. How you are able to coax him into slumber so easily Din will never comprehend. At least the quiet allows him some private time to clear his troubled mind. There was too much on his mind as of late. No, that was a lie. There was just one thing on his mind.

You.

You are a mystery, so caring and understanding. Too caring, he muses quietly. You are smart too, incredibly so, he was lucky to be able to recruit you into his service. But that's not what bothers him right now.

No…

Something else is troubling him. He is sure you possess some sort of magic, like the kid. It’s the only explanation. Why else does his heartbeat thud loudly in his chest at the sight of you? His skin feels as if it’s on fire, his mouth suddenly dry whenever your gaze lingers on him for a moment too long. Sorcery, as the armorer had said. But, he doesn't know how to confront you about the topic. He doesn't want to frighten you away. 

He will approach you in the morning, he tells himself. Din chuckles for a moment, he doesn't really know when morning will come, with the length of time you three have spent in hyperspace. He just bases his schedule off of the inclinations of his female companion. When you sleep, so does he, when you are awake, so is he. Din always ensures he is awake before you. The child is fussy in the mornings, demanding attention as soon as he is awake, so he tries to keep the kid entertained as long as possible to you allow you a few extra scraps of sleep.

The hair on the back of his neck suddenly stands on end, a sense of unease consuming his thoughts. He taps his helmet, the infrared vision within his helmet prompting the grey ship to burst into color. Nothing seems out of place in the cockpit, but he can't ignore his instincts, so after rising from his chair Din moves towards the ladder, intending to check the rest of the ship from possible threats. He pauses at the top of the ladder, his whole body shocked into a rigid cast.

Your cries reach his ears, desperate and pleading, and every instinct screams at him to protect you. In retrospect, he’s not sure how he clears the ladder so quickly, because one second he’s standing in the cockpit, and in the next he’s at your side, hands hovering over you as uncertainty soars to the top of his mind. You are obviously in the throws of a nightmare, your body curling in on itself, sweat beading on your forehead, and your limbs thrashing about in an attempt at self-preservation. Din reaches out to grasp your wrist, but you tear it out of his hand, your cries becoming louder. He curses, both hands reaching out to pin yours to the cot, then he is settling his body over yours, using his weight to still your frantic movements.

"No, stop! Leave me alone! Stop! Please!" It's the first coherent thing you have said, and it squeezes at his heart. It feels like it is being crushed by the vice that he often saw the armorer use at the forge. 

"Y/N!"

"No, please!"

"Y/N! Listen to me, you need to wake up."

"Stop, Stop!"

"Y/N!"

Your eyes finally snap open, and it's as if all the air has been pumped back into his lungs. You're alright, you're safe.

Oh, how wrong he was.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You gasp for air, feeling as though you're drowning. 

It was just a dream. 

But then your eyes open, only to come face-to-face with a beskar helmet. A startled cry escapes you and you're squeezing your eyes shut, turning your face into the pillow behind you to block your line of sight. The air is tense and strained and you feel suffocated by the weight resting on the lower half of your body. As your panic rises you attempt to wriggle free, another rush of fear flooding your body when you realize you're pinned down. Your movements become frantic, a sense of desperation overtaking you as your hands fight against the hold on your wrists. You're practically sobbing as you fight him, your body recoiling in fear just from the sight of his armor. Through the haze of panic, you think he's saying something but you can’t bring yourself to care. Every molecule in your body is screaming to be free.

With a burst of strength you rip your arms from his grip and frantically shove at his chest plate. Sithspit, you can’t even bear to look at him. The shoving becomes more frantic and finally you're free. Your body curls in on itself, finding solace in the tattered blanket and pillow that furnish your cot. You don't realize your crying until your sobs register in your ears. You are thoroughly humiliated, wishing that the floor would swallow you whole so that you never have to face the consequences of this situation. 

You take a few heaving breaths, trying to gain your bearings, and when you hear a modulated voice you recoil further into your cot.

"Y/N, talk to me, are you alright?" You think he sounds concerned, but you can’t bring yourself to concentrate clearly enough to discern what emotions are placed on those words. 

"Please, leave me alone." You manage, trying to gather your frazzled emotions. 

"What happened?" You're cringing all over again at the sound of his voice, flashbacks from the nightmare plaguing your mind.

There's a hiss, then "I'm turning the lights off". Your head whips around. That wasn't Mando's voice. The hull is plunged into darkness before you even turn halfway, and you swallow nervously.

"It's ok, I'm right here."

"Mando?"

"Yes."

"You sound…different."

"I know, I'm not wearing my helmet." That knocks the breath right out of your lungs.

"Are you ok?" There is real concern there and it calms your erratic heartbeat.

"I…I think so."

"Nightmare?"

"….yes."

His footsteps echo in the durasteel hull as he moves towards you. You're sitting up now, and a hand reaches out to touch your arm. It startles you, your body recoiling on instinct. You can hear him sigh heavily.

"It was about me, wasn't it?" He sounds tired, weary, so unlike the Mandalorian you have come to know over the past several months. You can't lie to him. You have never been able to lie to him.

"Yes."

"Is there anything I can do?..."

You pause before you speak. A thought comes to mind immediately. It's too forward. You shouldn't ask, you can't.

"Will you stay with me?"

There is a sharp intake of breath, and you curse yourself. This is the longest conversation you have ever been able to hold with Mando, and now you've just embarrassed yourself with your lack of a brain-to-mouth filter.

"Ok."

That made sense, you dumb imbecile…Wait…What?!

You must have heard wrong, that was the only explanation.

"Just a moment."

Was there a problem with how fast your heart-rate just spiked? You must be having physical complications from the nightmare, or maybe you hit your head while you were struggling. A clang echoes through the hull, then another. You hold your breath for a second, then realize that he is probably removing his boots. Your cot is by no means spotless, but you appreciate the sentiment. He moves towards the cot again, and you slide over to make room for him. Unfortunately, you severely overestimate the amount of space on your cot, and approximately one millisecond later you are experiencing the weightless feeling of doom that always precedes an inevitable fall.

An arm curls around your waist at the last second, and you can't hold back your gasp of surprise. Mando hauls you back up onto the cot, and it's not until the entirety of your back comes into contact with the duraweave covering his warm chest that you realize he is not wearing a single scrap of beskar. Your breath exits your body in a shudder as you bask in the comforting warmth of his body.

It’s several minutes later when Mando finally breaks the silence. "Do you feel any better?" 

There is no way he is being serious. If he was blind and deaf, he still wouldn't be able to miss how you practically melted into his touch. Why, that little...The light chuckle against your ear confirms your suspicions, and if this was any other situation you would be fuming at the insinuation. But this is Mando, your Mando, some traitorous part of your mind whispers. Despite your les than pleasant mood, you find yourself enjoying this tiny glimpse into the playful side of his personality. 

"Much better, thank you Mando. You really don't have to stay if you don't want to." Why in farrik did you say that?!

"It's alright, I don't mind." Even if he is still teasing you, you don't care. You wouldn't give this up for all the credits on Coruscant.

"Y/n?"

"Yes, Mando."

He lets out a troubled sigh at your response, and you want to take back whatever you did, if only to hear him tease you one more time before he reverts back to his reserved, silent persona.

“I hope you feel...safe when you travel with me.”

“Of course I do.”

“You don’t have to lie to me.”

“I am telling the truth, really I am. I feel safer on this ship, with you, than I do anywhere else.”

"I…there is something I want to tell you."

"Alright."

"My name, my name isn't Mando." He chuckles a little, as if enjoying a private joke. "If it was, it would get a little bit confusing back at the covert." Then he takes a deep breath, as if to gather himself. You move your hand to rest over his arm, which is still draped across your waist, offering what little comfort you can. "My birth name is Din Djarin."

"Din." You test the word on your tongue, and you decide that it suits him well. Simple and straightforward, just like him. "I like it." He releases a hum in response and the way it rumbles through your back, tingles spreading to the top of your head and into your fingertips, has you feeling a pleasant buzz. 

You dare to roll over in his arms, nuzzling further into his chest, and your heart swells when he accommodates your change in position by moving one hand to the small of your back, the other cradling your head gently. This moment is so precious, so delicate, and you refrain from speaking or moving, in the hopes of prolonging it for as long as possible.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You must have fallen asleep, because when you wake up there is a shrill beeping coming from the cockpit. With a groan you nuzzle further into your pillow, the arm that’s slung over the pillow flexes to draw it closer to your body. You idly wonder if Mando finally decided to activate the heating system since there is a pleasant warmth engulfing your body.

What's taking him so long? Normally, he spends most of his time in the cockpit, so it seems odd that he hasn't yet attended to the issue.

"Are you gonna get that or am I?" The question is spoken by your ear.

You swear you have never been more awake in your entire life. You shoot straight up but you don’t get very far, a warm hand on your back coaxing you back down against an equally warm body. 

"Did you sleep well?"

Osik. Now you remember. The nightmare, Mando holding you gently while you lay on your cot in shock. Oh, wait. You mean Din.

Your eyes finally open and you realize that the artificial lighting is still shut off. That's right, Din isn't wearing his helmet either. As you catalog your surroundings, a blush rises to your cheeks. During the night, you seem to have become very…cuddly. Your head is resting on his very firm chest, an arm slung across his upper body with your hand on his shoulder. One of your legs is thrown over his waist, and your face burns when you register his hand resting innocently on your thigh. It wouldn't be so bad if you were actually wearing pants, but your lazy ass had crawled into bed last night with only a threadbare tunic to cover your form. Suddenly you are even more thankful for the darkness shrouding your figures, all too aware that the tunic had ridden up over your ass during the night. Din's other hand is still nestled around the back of your head, his fingers occasionally massaging at the base of your scalp since your hair is tied up into a haphazard bun. 

You have yet to answer him, and your brain sputters as it attempts to think up a witty response.

"Yes, still a little tired though." What kind of answer was that, Y/N? Wow, such a charmer. What you really wanted to say was better than ever.

"That’s to be expected." Kriff, you are hearing his morning voice. You think you might just die on the spot. Hey, at least you'll be ending on a high note.

The beeping still echoes loudly through the hull. "You should get that before the kid wakes up." You nudge softly. He just grunts.

"You can get it, I'm sure it's nothing pressing." He finally responds.

"Hey, this is your ship, you get it." You've always been grumpy in the morning, never an early riser. You shove at him gently to enforce your request but it doesn't even phase him. "Din, come on." Then you're shoving a little harder, feeling victorious when you feel his body move across the cot slightly. You remove the leg from across his waist, using both your feet to assist in shoving him off of the cot. He just chuckles at your efforts, seemingly amused with your irritation. All of a sudden, there is a loud thud and a groan followed by utter silence. Your heart jumps into your throat, you didn't mean to hurt him! You shimmy to the edge of the cot, looking over even though you can't see a thing, hoping that he's not injured from the fall. Stupid, stupid, stupid, you chastise yourself. And then your worry turns to anger when you hear a hearty laugh bubbling up from the floor. How dare he laugh at you.

In any other situation you would be overjoyed at the sound of his laughter, but for some reason you feel incredibly cross this morning. You huff at his mirth, swing your legs over the edge of the cot and stand, intending to investigate the problem in the cockpit yourself. However, the moment you are on your feet you are suddenly plowed into by a warm, firm chest. Din muffles a curse as he catches you, tugging you upright before you slam into the unforgiving durasteel floor. 

"What are you doing?" You demand, feeling like a fool. Your emotions are still frazzled after the restless night, and you know you're being unreasonably cross but you can't help yourself.

"Just checking on the cockpit, verd'ika."

The word is unfamiliar, but before you can question the meaning he's moving past you towards the ladder. Now that he's gone, you hang your head, ashamed of your behavior. He was being far too kind to receive such harsh treatment from you. He did laugh at me though. Without his presence, you feel a little silly standing in the hull by yourself, so you decide to crawl back into your cot. You turn, fumbling a little in the dark, and hold a hand out to feel your way around. The tip of your fingertips finally brush the cot, and you surge forward, eager to slide underneath your blanket.

Your foot ricochets off something round and extremely solid, and in the next second you’re hopping around on one foot as curses spill from your lips. Stupid helmet, damned Mandalorian, kriffing alarm, frikking nightmares. If this isn't a cursed day you didn't know what to say. You finally set your foot back down and feel around for the position of the helmet as cautiously as you can with your injured foot. Then you give it a solid kick with your, as of yet, uninjured foot. The clang that echoes through the hull is extremely satisfying, and there's a smug smirk tugging at the corners of your lips.

"Are you done abusing my helmet?"

You let out a surprised yelp when he catches you by surprise, but you can't even bring yourself to feel ashamed.

"Just checking to make sure it was still up to snuff. I don't want you to sustain an injury to your head while collecting a bounty."

"Somehow I find that hard to believe."

"Well, I can’t imagine why."

There is a long pause, and you are worried you’ve made him uncomfortable with your banter.

"Do you want to talk about last night?"

As a matter of fact, you do not want to talk about last night. You never want to talk about last night. You just hope that the memory of the nightmare will fade away as soon as you throw yourself into your work.

"I know it can be difficult to share a painful experience. If you ever need to talk about it, I'm here."

"Maybe later?"

"Of course. Now if you don't mind, I am going to need my helmet back."

"Oh, right." You blush as you bend down to retrieve it from the durasteel floor. "Here you go." You try not to hyper-fixate on the brush of skin against skin that accompanies the action of handing over his helmet.

"I am going to turn the lights on now if that's ok."

"That's fine."

You blink your eyes a little when he activates the lights. The first thing you realize is that you are much closer than you expected. In fact you have to crane your neck to meet the visor of his helmet. All of a sudden your throat is dry and you are all too aware of your state of undress. Then you notice that his duraweave suit is extremely form-fitting. Now, when you say form-fitting, you mean he is probably wearing the same suit he wore as a teenager. Every curve of his body, every muscle, is visible to your eyes. You suck in a breath. If you let your gaze wander down just a little. Kriffing hell, you need to get your heart rate checked. Does he know that you are looking at him? He must. Wait...does he like it? You sidle a little closer, and your ego soars when you hear his breath hitch through the modulator. Another step and you're separated by a millimeter of air. You crane your neck back further, gazing into the visor.

"You think you could turn the lights off again, just for a second?"

He doesn't respond verbally, but his hand moves to the side of his helmet and you're surrounded by darkness once again.

You stretch out a hand, breath catching when your fingertips graze the duraweave over his chest. Not wanting to alarm him, you press down gently at first, then his hand is settling over yours, urging you to open your palm and splay your fingers across his chest. You dare to repeat the action with your other hand, basking in the feel of his warmth beneath your palms. Then you’re sliding them up, higher, higher, until they curve around the slopes of his shoulders. You breathe once, twice. You swear you can feel his pulse thrumming beneath your fingers.

"Din." His name escapes your lips like a sigh.

Both his hands move to cover yours, guiding them the rest of the way up, until they settle on the sides of his helmet. He's shaking, you note. His hands are trembling as they cover yours. Then you realize that you are shaking too.

"Is it ok if I….Can I….I don't want to…" You exhale shakily. "Can I lift it just a little?" Your heartbeat is roaring loudly in your ears, you're not sure you'll be able to hear him, even if he does respond.

"Please." He whispers.

You are not sure who moves first, but you will never forget how gentle he is in the moment. His thumbs caress the back of your knuckles, the action so tender, so unlike the hunter he claims to be. There is a pause as he bends down to accommodate your shorter height, his hands guiding yours as he tilts the helmet upwards until his breath is fanning across your lips. It’s absolutely sinful how soft his lips are, how gently he kisses you. The kiss itself is a little clumsy, the lack of experience apparent in both of your actions. But after a few seconds you develop a rhythm. 

His hands abandon yours to curl around your waist and neck, and you learn that if you tilt your head just a little, your lips will slot into place like two pieces of a puzzle. You only pull away once your legs begin burning, taxed from standing on your toes the whole time. But Din is having none of that, he bends down further, your back bowing slightly at the change of position, and then he’s kissing you so thoroughly that you’re certain you might pass out. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Eventually, you two separate, the cries of the child finally demanding your attention. Din pulls away first, planting a kiss on your forehead before he lets the helmet fall back into place over his lips. The lights are switched back on, and after a longing glance you both move to resume your duties as usual. 

When Din turns to collect his armor from the floor, you stand next to your cot with the ploy of folding the blanket and retrieving your day clothes. You feel a little bit ashamed of your devious thought process until he bends over. His firm backside is completely exposed to your eyes, and you can't help but admire the curve of his-

"So am I allowed to stare at your ass too?"

"Din!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Verd’ika: little warrior

[donutloverxo]

Salty Baby

Chapter six

Summary - When you moved to New York in hopes of living a glamorous life this isn’t what you expected. Steve offers to help you but your pride gets in the way. Pride isn’t going to pay your rent and college loans.

Chapter themes - This chapter you meet the Avengers. Will you be able to make a good impression on them? smut, semi-public sex, angry sex, jealous steve.

Pairing - Steve Rogers x reader

Word count - 3k

Masterlist is linked in bio! Previous chapters can be found in it!

You were nervous about getting lavish gifts from Steve, for the twenty-five five gifts of Christmas he was going to give you. Things you didn’t really need, like the diamond bracelet he got you for your two month anniversary. You couldn’t exactly wear those kinds of things to class. Where your classmates talked about was dungeons and dragons or whatever a doctor who is.

But Steve’s twenty-five presents, all of them, were anything but materialistic. You were amazed at how he personalised each of them specifically for you. He knew you so well and in such a short time. Like how he got you first edition Sylvia Plath books, which you actually had the time to read now, or how he woke you up with your favorite breakfast, or how he woke you up with his mouth. You liked that much more than the breakfast. He also got you a big cosy grey sweater that swallowed you whole.

“You look so cute” He beamed at you bending down to kiss your forehead. You couldn’t help but blush at that. “I’m not cute!” You almost stomped your foot “You’ll always be cute to me doll”

You were pleasantly surprised when Anna invited you and Steve for Christmas dinner at her place. You did miss your nephews. Brock was, as always, gone for work. She didn’t want to spend Christmas alone with the kids. She also had to make a dig at you, how you’ll be in the same boat as her, what with Steve’s demanding job. Which was far from the truth, but you let it go.

The only problem was that it was the same day as the Christmas party at the Avengers tower. Steve, being the angel that he is, said you could go to the party after dinner, it would probably start late anyway.

“Doll, how does this one look?” He asked as you stared at him noticing how thick he looked under the off white cable knit sweater.

You gulped down smoothening the flare of the white lace dress Steve gifted you. “It’s perfect Steve. And stop being so nervous! I told you I don’t care about Anna’s opinion”

“Yeah but she’s the only family you have. I want to make a good impression” he said giving you a pout which you kissed away.

Thankfully you didn’t have to ask him to not take his death trap of a motorcycle. He got you both an uber. You enjoyed the whole city lit up with the beautiful festive lights. You couldn’t help but think you wouldn’t be half as happy if you didn’t have your man sitting right next to you.

“Oh my god. Ca – Captain America” Anna stammered as she looked at your boyfriend. Right, you never did mention you were dating Steve Rogers.

“Ma'am” he gave her a curt nod handing her the non-alcoholic wine bottle he had got since she was pregnant. She pushed about how considerate he was. Which was true.

Your nephews, instantly loved Steve. It didn’t take much to impress them, the lego sets and other toys and chocolates you got them probably helped as well. Both of them hanging off of his biceps as he sweeped them off the floor. While Anna tried to process that The Captain America was standing in her living room.

She dragged you to the kitchen excusing you both away from Steve. “What is wrong with you?! You never told me you were dating Captain America!” She whispered harshly.

“What difference does it make?” She only shook her head calling you a liar “Omitting information is not the same as lying. On that note I haven’t really told him about Mom” You paused gauging her reaction “I would appreciate it if you didn’t either” You winced as she smirked at you. Wouldn’t she love having such power over you?

“What do I get in return?”

“What the fuck do you want?” you snapped.

“I’ll think about it. But remember that you owe me”

You couldn’t get her words out of your head. As you kept stabbing at your meatloaf barely eating it. Steve squeezed your thigh, under the dinner table as if to reassure you. He threw his head back at the kids antics and making polite conversation with Anna.

“I’ve worked with Rumlow before” He mentioned referring to the picture frames he saw of Brock.

“Oh goodness really? He never mentioned it. But he never really talks about work. Are you good friends?” She asked eagerly.

He cleared his throat sitting up straight “Not really. But I would like to get to know him better”

Friends was always a touchy subject for Steve. Having lost so many of them, you were amazed at how he was still willing to open his heart up. He couldn’t connect to or trust anyone in this era. He didn’t need to tell you that, you could sense it. You were almost anxious, did he feel connected to you? Atleast half as much as you did to him.

Maybe that’s why you were more scared to meet his ‘family’ than he was to meet yours. You had to crane your neck up, to the point that it actually hurt so you could get a view of the Avengers tower. It was majestic and maybe a bit over the top. Not really your cup of tea, but from what you heard from Steve about Tony Stark, he loved going all out. Which was probably why there were humongous reindeers next to the A of the Avengers.

“It’s amazing!” You gushed as you both got in the elevator making your way over to the party deck. You could see why they called it a white party. The Christmas tree decorated with silver and white ornaments, which seemed to be the theme of the party. “Oh” You let out as you read that all the decorations and the tree would be bio-degradable. How is that possible?

“Cap you finally made it” You turned around to look at a blonde man, who was taller and larger than Steve which you didn’t get to see everyday, and a redhead, whom you recognised as the black widow, greeting Steve. You quickly stood next to him, holding his hand and lacing his fingers with yours.

“Oh you must be Steve’s lady” He raved squeezing you into a tight hug, which would normally be uncomfortable for you but somehow it wasn’t when he did it. It was almost comforting, like a bear hug. You awkwardly patted his back. With your face smashed in his chest you could barely breathe.

You finally pushed him away trying not to hypnotised by his eyes wrinkled by his wide gein “Yes I am the lady” you chuckled nervously smoothening the wrinkles of your dress. You looked down at the pretty white thing. You had never even worn a dress before, you weren’t sure if it was for you.

“Hope Steve is treating you well” Black Widow smiled at you before looking at Steve. “Aren’t you gonna introduce us?” she raised a brow at him.

“This is Thor” Steve frowned at the bulky blonde out of the corner of his eye “And this is Natasha” She smiled shaking your hand. Now Natasha, she looked absolutely ravishing in her grey bodysuit, that seemed to hug her in all the right places, she looked like someone who was made to fit into a place like this.

“Can I borrow Steve for a minute? We have some business to attend to” She said lacing hers arm with his.

Your breathe hitched at the thought of being left alone. “I – uh” You stammered.

“I can keep you company if you like” Thor offered and you smiled at him. Feeling his presence already comforting. You thanked him letting Steve know that you were fine.

For the next hour, Thor told you all about his home, which was in another world, something you still couldn’t wrap your head around. His delinquent brother Loki, who’s never up to any good. And his girlfriend Jane who unfortunately couldn’t join you too. His face beamed up when you told him you study physics. “I believe that is what Stark does”

“Oh I’m not sure it would be the same field. But maybe” You hummed.

“Where is he” He looked around, his silky long strands shaking with his head. “Oh Clint! Come meet Steve’s lady” He called out to someone.

“Oh you know what? I think I have to use the restroom” You stood up abruptly collecting your clutch. “I’ll catch you later” You said briskly walking away. You had caught a glimpse of a balcony on the when on the way from the elevator to the party which was your destination. As much fun as it was supposed to be to hang out with everyone, how all your classmates and your sister were ‘so jealous' of you, you were exhausted and completely burned out.

You breathed in the cold fresh air as you stood near the railing of the balcony, which was empty save for a few people. You wrapped your arms around yourself as you felt the air creep chills up your body. You close your eyes, your teeth clammering as you tried to rub your arms to create some warmth

“You don’t look so comfortable there” Your eyes snapped open as you heard someone drawl out. You looked to your left, where the voice came from, and instantly recognized the face. You’d have to live under a rock not to. It was the man who saved New York.

“I’m fine” You brushed him off. Not knowing how you could possibly speak to such a larger than life personality.

“It’s a nice party. Isn’t it?” He moved closer to you standing just a few feet away from you now “No? I’ll try to do a better job next time I guess” He shrugged his lips curling up in a smile.

“It is nice. But – I don’t know” you stopped yourself “– I’m just an introvert”

“See that's what people get wrong. Introverts don’t hate parties. I know plenty of ‘em who are the life of the party in fact”

“Name one” You scoffed.

He hummed for a minute as if thinking it over “Oh the hulk!” you cringed as he yelled enthusiastically “Banner is an anti social geek but the hulk is actually a pretty fun guy if you get to know him” he said leaning on the edge of the balcony.

“I don’t think that counts. Hulk and Banner are not the same...” you trailed off not quite sure if they were or weren’t and this time he scoffed not believing you “It’s true!” you argued “just like how Steve and Captain America aren’t the same person”

“Who capsicle?” he tilted his head.

You tried to hold it in, you really did but you burst out a laugh and quickly held your hand over your mouth to contain it. “Cap – what does that even mean?” You shook your head finally giving in and throwing your head back laughing at the ridiculous nickname.

“There you are” You stopped laughing as soon as you heard that voice. You whipped your head to look at Steve approaching the two of you, his jaw clenched and eyebrows furrowed. “I’ve been looking all over for you” He said pulling you into him by grabbing your waist.

“Oh I’m sorry I got caught up -”

“You two know each other” Tony interrupted you and Steve introduced you as his girlfriend.

“We should get going. There are some other people I want you to meet” Steve said looking down at you, somewhat sternly, his tone reminding you of his authoritative side, the one he used on the battlefield and in bed with you.

You felt your heart beat fast and your mouth dry as you nodded. Steve held onto your wrist guiding you away from the balcony

“Wait!” Tony called out for you “don’t you wanna know what it means?”

“What’re you talking about?” Steve rolled his eyes, still pulling at your wrist but you stood your ground, you did want to know. You looked at Tony expectedly.

“He spent decades in the ice frozen like a capsicle” He chuckled “and because he always has a huge stick up his ass”

Your smile faltered at that. You thought it would be something fun his friends tease him with, but this just seemed mean-spirited. “It was nice to meet you Tony” You bid him goodbye and he waved you off as you walked with Steve back to the party.

You could feel Steve fuming beside you, but you weren’t exactly sure what he was angry at. You didn’t think a stupid nickname would make him so mad. You were about to ask him but you were pushed into a coat closet? What the hell? You yelped as your backside bumped against the desk in the middle of the closet. “What - Steve!” you scolded him as you looked at the brown grease on the desk stain your white dress. “this isn’t going to come off you know” you tried rubbing at it but you were sure it was ruined.

“What were you laughing about out there with Tony? I left you alone for barely half an hour” He said. His tone contained and cool. As if what he was saying was completely rational and true. Which only served to piss you off even more.

“You left me for an entire hour! You know I’m not good at these things. Why am I here?” You said pointing your at your chest “I’m here for you! And now you’re saying what? I’m flirting with other men?”

“That’s what it seemed like” He said with the same even tone and your hand twitched wanting to smack him across his stupid beautiful face.

“Whatever Steve” you shook your head pushing him away to get away from him. You never thought you’d need distance from your Steve. “Steve let me go” you pushed him again but you knew it would be of no use. You were no match against the great Captain America.

“No” He walked close to you caging you in till you had no where to go. You felt his hot breathe fanning against your face as he stared you down. You let out a breathe, disgusted that you could feel his erection against your thigh. That you were just as turned on.

“Fuck it” you leaned up on your toes crashing your lips onto his wrapping your hands around his neck, your teeth clattering together as his hands worked to push up your skirt and pull down your panties. He pushed you up to sit you on the desk and you cringed thinking of your once beautiful dress.

He pulls away from you, his face flushed and his lips swollen from your rough kiss. He put your panties into his dress pants. “I’ll buy you another one doll” But you didn’t know if he was referring to your dress or your panties. And frankly you didn’t care. You were so angry and hurt, that all you could think about was his dick inside you, your golden boy railing you in a fucking coat closet.

Your hands made quick work of unbuckling him and pulling him out of his briefs. His cock already hard and ready. You pulled it in to line him up with your entrance but he stopped you, swatting your hands away.

“I’m too big for you doll” He leaned into your ears to whisper, two of his fingers entering your channel. “And you’reso tight. We have to get your prepared” he groaned driving his fingers in and out of you adding a third one as you held onto his shoulders for life, biting into the crook of his neck to muffle your screams.

“Don’t you dare come” He warned you as he felt you clench around his fingers. You could only whimper to answer him, holding off on your release. Knowing that if you didn’t listen to him he wouldn’t fuck you. In that moment you felt as if you’d die if you didn’t feel his cock inside you. “Please fuck me” you tried to catch your breathe as tears clouded your vision. You cried as you felt his fingers slipping out of you. You were about to say that you didn’t come. That you were good. You deserved to get off!

But then, in one single thrust he pushed his cock deep inside you, hitting your g-spot. You sighed biting his earlobe and sucking on it as a way to thank him. The weight and warmth of him cooling down the burn in your core just a little bit. But you were still very much on edge.

He rolled his hip as he started fucking into you. You grabbed onto his hair with your hand pulling on it a bit. He groaned at that driving into you faster.

With his cock hitting your cervix, again and again with such ferocious pace, you couldn’t even remember what you were angry about. Were you angry? What were you doing in a coat closet? It didn’t matter, not really. The only thing that mattered was him, his cock inside you and your impending doom. “I need to come. Please “ You wailed unable to contain your sounds.

“Go ahead doll” he pulled away a bit to look into your eyes “I’m all yours” He drove his cock into you, in the way he knew you loved. He pushed your hair out of your face, staring at you so lovingly, feeling so vulnerable and overwhelmed you closed your eyes, if you didn’t see him he couldn’t see you either right?

You clenched around him as you felt him fill you up with his warm seed. Your orgasm hitting you like a tsunami. You felt completely spent, not being able to hold yourself up you laid your head on his shoulder.

Your high didn’t last for long. You felt him slip out of you, shuffling to take out a handkerchief and clean you up. You recalled what you were fighting about. How he mistrusted you even though you had given him no reason to do so. You hugged him closer not ready to address all those issues just yet. They could wait till you had had your moment with him.

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[youremeimyou]

Old Friends

pairing: Jung Hoseok x reader genre: fluff, comedy, slight drama high school crush au and there’s a Hoseok vs y/n rap battle in there, somewhere word count: 6k warnings: just some passionate kissing, oh and shirtless Hoseok;)

Description: Hoseok is your high school friend that you had a different kind of relationship with. You run into him, after many years and rekindle your friendship. Then he takes you to your high school reunion and claims you as his girlfriend. But it’s only an act. Right?

A/N: EGO IS OUT!! I can’t get enough of it, or enough of J-hope. Hence, this oneshot. I gave this my all and had fun reading it back so I’m hoping it’s not shitty. Pls let me know what you think of it. Also I changed the way I write and reffered to the reader as ‘you’ for this one- idk i wanted to try it. If you guys have prefferences you can let me know. I hope you like it. Enjoy!

It's official, you hate summer. Sure.. school's out, no more chasing after professors or migraines lasting for weeks. But goddamn it it's hot and humid. It's like trying to breathe in a sauna, which you hate. Plus, the sun is like a deadly laser. Normally you love strolling through this street. Glancing at cute little stores and admiring street artists as you walk by. Not today, though. Not while feeling like all the water in your body is gonna evaporate any second.

You notice a little crowd up ahead, a half circle. And the sound of a groovy beat captures your attention. You might've stopped and joined the crowd just for the captivating music, if it wasn't for the torturous heat. In this instance you'll settle for only a glance at whatever show is going on inside that half circle.

That's until you see the street dancer there and you stop dead in your tracks. Someone is crazy enough to dance in this heat. Someone manages to look like the greatest performer alive despite the sweat covering his body and the fact that he's probably about to pass out. That someone is Jung Hoseok.

Before you can do anything else, you realize just how much better he’s become. And he was already an amazing dancer the last time you saw him. Back in high school, that is. Hobi the bubbly, cheerful dancer that dominated talent shows every year. Hobi who you occasionally helped pass chemistry. Hobi who could actually also sing, a fact only you knew about him of all the kids at your school. Because you’d spend most of your time in the music room, usually all by yourself. But one time, you caught him sitting alone and singing in there and after that, he’d visit you every so often. In return, he was the only one that knew you composed songs.

It’s been three years since graduation and your last conversation with him. But right now, he’s standing right in front of you. No, he’s dancing. The music ends in time with his final move and the mini crowd goes wild. As he catches his breath, most people leave money in his hat on the floor. You hope they’re being generous. Rightfully so, that was one hell of a performance.

You contemplate on whether you should say hi or not. The introvert in you decides you shouldn’t but before you can turn around to leave, you make eye contact with Hoseok.

“Y/N?” he asks.

“Hey, Hoseok.”

And he smiles. Despite how exhausted he must be, he gives you a whole cheekbones lifted, classic Hobi smile.

“You were amazing. But how did you not faint dancing in a weather like this?” you ask, smiling back.

“Come to think of it, I do feel like blacking out.” he says in between his panting.

You panic and go closer to him quickly. “I can take you to the hospital-”

“I’m kidding, Y/N.”

Did you maybe miss his mischevous ass? You both giggle.

“How about taking me to an icecream shop to catch up, instead? It’s been so freaking long. If you don’t have any plans, I mean.”

Your plan is going home, opening the refrigerator door and standing in front of it. So they’re skippable for an old friend.

“Let’s go before you deteriorate.”

You take him to the closest icecream shop you know and the shop has great air conditioning, thank god. Hoseok sits down and you feel as though he won’t be able to get up and order. Despite the smiley and bright facade of his, his body seems to be worn out. So, you take the liberty to order for both of you.

As you wait in line, order and wait for them to prepare it, you think about what you wanna say to Hoseok. Regardless of how much time has passed, you notice how you still get a little nervous with him around. It used to be like that in high school, too. You could never really look him in the eyes while he was speaking with you. You wouldn’t be intimidated. You’d just be kinda.. overwhelmed.

You take the cups and make your way to the table. Hoseok’s eyes light up, he seems content with your choice. He also looks better now, the cool air of the shop must’ve helped.

“What’re the odds of us meeting like this? Just on the street?” he initiates conversation.

“Well, I’m not exactly surprised to find Hope on the streets.”

“You remember my stage name?” He looks geniunely surprised.

“How can I possibly forget crowds of people going crazy, cheering J-hooope?”

That makes him shy, you think. With him averting his eyes to the ground. You’d hear those cheers often, back then. Hoseok was known as ‘J-hope’ and his act ‘Hope on the street’ was very popular. Everyone in Gwangju High would come to watch him perform, including you. It really is a bit strange how you ran into each other randomly on a street in Seoul, you think. You both had dreams of moving to Seoul as teenagers and had told each other about it. But neither of you knew if the other actually made it there. Until now.

"Did you move here right after graduation? I remember you talking about wanting to persue music here at University of Seoul." he says with his eyes on his icecream. He remembers your dream.

"Yeah, I had to get out of there. I moved here even before knowing if the university had accepted me. Thankfully, I got in. What about you? When did you come here?"

After he takes a spoon of the good stuff, he takes his eyes off from his cup and connects them with yours. It happens so suddenly that you almost blush. You're able to hold it in, though. Barely.

"I kinda wanted to wait until my work at the dance academy was done. So, after two more years at Gwangju, I finally transferred here, to National University of Arts just at the beginning of this semester."

You're glad to see him not giving up on dancing because he's so talented for it that it isn't like anything you've seen before or after you've known him. When he dances, it's like whatever music he's moving to actually finds form in him. And when he's not dancing, the way he moves around, walks, talks still somehow appears artistic.

But then, you realize you've been staring at him, lost in your train of thoughts. And he must've noticed because one corner of his mouth curves upwards a little, forming an almost smirk. This time, you can't stop your cheeks from turning red. Fuck.. What's wrong with you? It's been years since you've even seen his face. Why the hell did you just turn into a teenager, all over again?

"How's music school? Did you drop any albums I'm missing out on?" He asks and his eyes go back to his icecream. You can breathe normally again.

"I think school is always a pain in the ass. Even if it's about music." is your reply. You both laugh.

"I couldn't agree more."

Normally you have a hard time talking about yourself with others. But when it comes to Hoseok, it's different. Because that kinda used to be your relationship back in the days. Talking to each other about stuff you wouldn't with others.

"I've been working in a studio a friend of mine opened and we're working on some stuff but.. I can't seem to finish anything I start so, no. I haven't really been productive." you add with a frown. There're lots of things you don't like about yourself and being a procrastinator is one of them.

Then, a hand is placed lightly on yours that was resting on the table. It's Hoseok, holding your hand and looking at you warmly. "Nah, I'm still pretty sure we're gonna hear your stuff on the radio, soon." He looks like he geniunely believes that. All you can do is smile back in appreciation.

Time goes by as you talk about all kinds of stuff. You learn he lives at the student dorm but he's not exactly happy about it and wants to find a new place to stay. Also that he's giving dance lessons to earn some extra cash. You tell him about Yoongi, that friend of yours who owns a studio and how he's looking for someone to move in, after his flatmate moved away. You promise to have the two meet each other and see if they can become roomates.

Hoseok suggests to exchange numbers but it turns out both of you haven't changed them since high school, so you both have the other in your contacts. And you say goodbye shortly after, agreeing on hanging out again, soon.

By the time you get home, it's already evening and you're a little hesitant to open up the door and greet your roommate, Namjoon. Because you promised him that you'd watch that philosophical movie you can't remember the name of together. But you were supposed to do that about two hours ago. You decide to just go in and explain how you ran into an old friend and got held up. Namjoon'll understand, right? You go inside but see that nobody's home, so you call him.

"What's up ditcher?" is how he answers the phone and you can't blame him, really.

"I'm so sorry Joon. I wanna make it up to you but.. where are you, exactly?"

"Yoongi's."

"Okay, don't move." You hang up the phone and go straight into the apartment across the hall from yours. Yoongi has already opened the door before you can knock. You make for the living room and spot your roommate there. Just as you're about to explain, you also spot credits rolling on the tv screen and finished popcorn bowls.

"Wow, you watched Waking Day without me?" you complain. And Namjoon is quick to respond.

"It's Waking Life and yes, since you were a no-show."

"But you didn't even leave me popcorn."

"What're you saying? There's some left right here." Yoongi is the one who hands you one of the bowls.

"There are literally only three kernels here."

"Well, that's what ditchers get." Yoongi is just as merciless as Namjoon.

"But what if something happened to me on my way back-" you try the approach of pulling on their heartstrings but both of them whip their necks back and look at you in extreme worry, so you decide not to mess around. "Okay, okay. I encountered an old friend and lost track of time catching up. But maybe we can watch another movie and I'll make the popcorn, huh?" You wear a guilty grin on your face.

"Nope. You should take a seat and tell me about this friend that made you ditch me."

You sit down in between the guys on the couch, but you're facing Namjoon and telling him about Hoseok. Yoongi only sees your back and he's just so done with you, as always.

"You guys have a house exactly symmetrical to mine across the hall. Why the hell are you always here? I know it's not to see me, you're not even looking at me." It's a mix between ranting and whining. Both you and Namjoon know he's doing it to get attention.

"Because your couch is comfier." says Namjoon.

"And you have a piano." you add.

"You have a keyboard!"

"My keyboard is no upright piano."

Yoongi gives up with a huff. But you attack him with tickles until he gives in and giggles, all the while trying to get rid of your hands.

"By the way Yoongs, you're still looking for a roommate, right?"

"Yeah, why?"

"The friend of mine from Gwangju I was catching up with, Hoseok, is looking for a new place. I want to introduce you guys."

"Sure. What can you tell me about him?"

You pause because there're lots of things you can say about him. But those are all about the high school Hoseok. You wonder how many of them changed and how many stayed the same. You're sure of some things, though.

"I can tell you that he's a great guy and a dedicated artist, a dancer. Also he's funny and a mood maker."

"Alright. You should bring him over."

"Great! I will."

You wake up to your phone buzzing repeatedly. First thing you do is check the time and your clock on the wall is striking 11:30 in the morning. You overslept, great. It makes sense after you convinced Namjoon to binge watch Death Note before going to bed. But you ended up sleeping on the couch. The fact that you're in your bed right now means Namjoon carried you there.

3 unread messages from Hoseok.

-Morning, Y/N.

-Are you free today?

-I wanna treat you to some coffee.

It's been three to four days since the time you ran into Hoseok and you've been meaning to reach out to him to hang out but he just beat you to it. You thank the god for his extrovertedness.

-I'm taking care of some stuff in the studio today.

-But you can visit me there and if I'm finished quickly we can even hang out later, too.

-If you'd like, of course.

You press send and for some stupid reason your heart races a little fast. Were you being too forward? He just said coffee, maybe he meant a quick get together. You just asked him to wait for you in a studio, possibly for a couple of hours.

Two more buzzing.

-Sure! I'll make sure to help out so you can finish faster.

-Text me the time and the adress when you can.

You sigh in relief. But now it's time to be nervous about how you'll be alone with him there for a long while. Not that it makes you uncomfortable. You just feel that overwhelming feeling of him being around returning. You hope to at least not act like an idiot.

You make your way to the studio and text Hoseok the location, saying he could drop by whenever he'd like. Yoongi told you to listen to some demos for him but you leave that for last. For now, you're setting up some instruments and tuning them up for the band arranged to record tomorrow. But the bell rings and you sprint to answer the door.

"Hi!" you greet him.

"Hey." Hoseok says with a bright smile. He holds up the bags in his hands. "I brought food and icelattes."

"Which makes you a hero. Come in."

You eat and drink your coffees as you talk about stuff. Then, you play a recording of a guy who did an awful cover of Smelly Cat a few days ago. It makes Hoseok laugh so hard that he tumbles out of his seat and falls towards you. You knew it was a habit of his but you had never been the person he falls over to, before.

He helps you get the rest of the things done after that and surely him giving you a hand speeds up the process. For the last thing, you call him over to listen to the demos.

"Wow, some of these are really good. Especially this one, I like the beat a lot."

"Yeap, me too. I'm showing this one to Yoongi, later."

Finished up with the things, you're getting ready to leave but you hear him beatboxing the beat he liked a while ago.

"You can beatbox?"

"Yeah, I picked it up not so long ago."

An idea pops into your mind. You take him by the arm, practically drag him back to the recording booth and hand him a mic.

"Get a beat going."

"Wha-"

"Just do it." And you run back to record him doing it. After that, you throw in some other instruments quickly. When you play the outcome, he smiles so hard.

"How did you just do that in such a short time, coming up with practically a song."

"You did it, too. You came up with a beat off the top of your head. That's the basis of songs, mostly."

He listens to it over and over. "Hey can I use this for when I do freestyle battles?"

"To dance over to? Sure! I'll work on it some more, though and perfect it."

He shys away a little. "Well, this would make a great dance track but.. I meant freestyle rap battles."

"You rap, too? Geez, is there any street art you're not talented in?" You're not that surprised, though. He always stroke you as swag in living form.

"I'm trying to get into it. I should improve if I wanna make a name for myself out on the streets of Seoul." he says half jokingly but it's true that the rap scene has become a major part of street competition, recently. You know from Yoongi and Namjoon who are also rappers.

You play the beat from the top. "C'mon, then. Let me hear a snippet."

"No, no I'm not really-"

"C'mon~ let's battle." you say to get him worked up a bit. Also, you picked up a few things from Yoongi and Namjoon over the last couple of years.

"Oh battle? Okay then, why don't you go first?"

Both of you try to control your laughter and you come up with some very stupid and childlike rhymes that make Hoseok laugh even harder.

"It's your turn, J-hope."

"Ooo~" he gets more fired up with the mention of his stage name. You're going back and forth rapping about the most random and funny stuff. But then you get bolder and want to go at him a bit, to get him more serious about this. Trying to remember embarrassing things he's done in high school, you throw in lines about the time he had to dance in his underpants in front of the whole school after losing a bet.

Also, there's this face you pull whenever you try to diss someone, something you picked up from Yoongi. But it looks funny on you and the boys always make fun of you about it. You're sure you're doing it right now, too out of habit. And you're not wrong because as soon as you're done, Hoseok starts and he mentions it.

Except, he says something along the lines of despite of you having that expression, he still doesn't feel like you're dissing him because of how beautiful you look even while pulling a funny face.

What? Did he just call you beautiful? In a rap battle?

You're in shock and aren't able to speak for a while. Which Hoseok takes advantage of. "You failed to come up with something in time, Y/N. I win." Then he boops your nose. He fucking boops your nose. What did you get yourself into?

It's the day you finally bring Hoseok to meet with Yoongi. It's been a couple of weeks since you guys started hanging out kinda on a regular basis and Yoongi finally had some free time. The three of you are sitting in Yoongi's living room and you're watcing them get to know each other. Everything seems to go well. The door opens and Namjoon walks in.

"Yo. Sorry I'm late."

"It's okay since you live far away. Oh wait, you live across the hall." Yoongi is quick to welcome him.

"At least I brought dessert."

The two boys go into the kitchen to get dessert ready to be served.

"That's my roomate Namjoon. He wanted to meet you, too." you inform Hoseok.

"Roommate? Wait- you live just next door?"

"Yeah."

"Why didn't you tell me sooner? I'd beg to Yoongi or something to get him to accept me!" he says with a smile. You're glad he's happy about the fact you might live next to each other.

"I think he already likes you. I'm pretty sure you got the room."

And you turn out to be right. Hoseok and Yoongi hit it off quickly and he moves in a couple of days later. You start spending even more time together since then. Both with the other boys around and just you two, alone.

This one time Yoongi gives you the day off, Namjoon is off to do a job interview and you've got absolutely nothing to do. So you go over to see Hoseok. You knock and ring the bell but loud music is coming from inside and he doesn't hear you. The door isn't locked, though and you just go in. When you get to the living room you see Hoseok practising, going really hard at it. There're sweatdrops on his face and his white shirt-now practically see through shirt-is stuck to his body, revealing the delicate structure of it.

Blood rushes to your cheeks and your heart is thumping but you can't look away. He's art, you think. Art that you can't get enough of. He finally notices you, which almost gives you a heart attack but thankfully he isn't uncomfortable with you being there.

"Hey- uh- phew." he tries to talk but needs a moment to catch his breath, first. "Y/N. Please tell me you've been standing there long enough that you saw my new moves."

You nod, still not completely out of your daze. "They were.." you trail off because he just casually takes his shirt off in front of you. "Can you pass me that?" he asks you to hand him over the towel on the chair next to you. You're on autopilot as you do so.

"So, what do you think?"

"Oh yeah- Umm.. it was awesome. Very captivating.."

"Thanks." he smiles brightly while walking closer to you. "I'm gonna take a quick shower. You wanna hang out, after?"

Right. That's why you came over, you remember. "Yeah, I'll be here."

Hoseok and you just hang inside all day. Not doing much but still managing to have fun. Yoongi comes home for a while but has to go back out again, so it's mostly just you two. In the middle of the night, you guys start watching a movie, planning to stay awake till morning but Hoseok's tired from practising earlier and dozes off, eventually. And you're famous for sleeping in front of the tv, so you quickly follow. Then, you two somehow get in a cuddly position in your sleep.

The next morning- or more like afternoon, you wake up to Yoongi slurping his coffee, seated right across from you. Hoseok's nowhere to be seen.

"Hey Yoongs, why am I still here?"

"Well, you obviously fell asleep in front of the tv again and Namjoon's strong arms weren't here to carry you to bed."

"Where is he?"

"Joon said he was staying at a friend last night, not wanting to get all soaked up in the rain. And Hobi woke up just moments ago and went out, saying he has to get ready for a gig."

You nod at him and get up. You're about to go back to your place to wash up but realize something suddenly.

"Since when do you call him Hobi?"

"Since when do you have a crush on him?"

Your eyes go wide with panic. "Wha- No way what're you say-"

"Do you think I'm blind? I can perfectly see it when two people are cuddling on my couch."

"We just fell asleep that's all-"

"I saw you two over at the piano, too. And in the kitchen a few days ago doing the dishes. And while dancing here in the living room for no reason. You can't look him in the eyes without going red and he can't take his eyes off of you."

There isn't much you can say to convince him otherwise because you realize that he's right. At first when you guys started hanging out again, you thought you felt butterflies because you kinda had a thing for him in high school. You paid it no mind thinking it'd fade away with time but it didn't. Your feelings only grew stronger and now you know it was visible to others.

What has you tensed up, however is the way Yoongi talks about the situation like it's both-sided. That's where you can't be sure. Because yes, Hoseok randomly calls you beautiful, takes you out for meals and spends entire days with you. But you don't know if he likes you like that or if he's just being friendly. Just like back in high school.

"Okay, yeah. He makes me feel a certain way. But there's nothing going on, we haven't even talked about it. I don't think he's into me like that."

Yoongi's brows furrow in confusion. "He was just asking me if anything was going on between you and Joon the other day, though."

He asked what?

"What?"

"Dude, he was obviously jealous and suspicious of the fact that you were roommates. And very close ones."

You did have a very close bond with Namjoon, just as you did with Yoongi. Yoongi's just involved less skinship and more serious talk. But Namjoon was the first person who friended you in Seoul and over the years he became your self proclaimed guardian angel. That was all.

"You didn't correct him?!"

"I tried but he seemed overwhelmed with confusion, I'm not sure if he fully believed me. Or fully listened? I dunno- I was kinda enjoying his little emotional crisis."

"Yoongs!"

"Fine! So yeah, maybe you should to talk to him."

How do you talk to someone about this? you wonder. And can Yoongi really be right about the possibility of him reciprocating your feelings?

You're reading a book on your couch. It's been a couple of days since your cuddly interaction with Hoseok and you haven't really hung out after that, either. You're not avoiding him, though. More like testing the waters. Namjoon's little squeal and sprint to the living room gets you out of your thoughts.

"Y/N! Oh my god!"

"Joonie what happened?"

"I got in." His smile is from ear to ear but you're not surprised he got the job he was going after for a while now. He happens to be intelligent beyond your understanding. But also a goofball. Because he -who usually treats books like his children- throws the one you were reading away and gets you up on his back. Now you're both singing victory songs as he gives you a piggy back ride.

Just then, Hoseok makes an entrance to your apartment, sees you two and his face visibly drops.

"Oh- sorry guys. I should've knocked-"

"Dude, it's okay. Think about our two apartments as one big house. You don't have to worry about knocking everytime. Come in!" Namjoon is being his friendly self as he puts you down. "I gotta go call my parents. Thanks for always believing in me, Y/N." He places a soft peck on the top of your head and goes back to his room. Uh-oh. You hope Hoseok doesn't misunderstand.

"How are you doing, Hobi?"

"I'm-" he hesitates for a while. "I didn't know you and Namjoon were.. are you? Y'know like together?"

"No!" you regret yelling but it just comes out before you can stop. "I mean, it's not like that. We're friends. In fact he kinda decleared himself my older brother."

The total grimace that had took over Hoseok's face starts to slowly dissappear. "Oh, okay. I'm sorry for making you uncomfortable like that-"

"No, no. Let's just change the subject." You want to move on from this before it gets awkward.

"Okay. Oh right! I came over to show you something."

He holds out his phone for you to see. It's an invite to an event. Gwangju High's high school reunion, to be exact. You also got one, too but immediately deleted.

"The reunion? You're going?" you ask.

"We should go."

You're about to protest but he cuts in.

"I know most of our year were jerks. But it's Gwangju. I know you miss it there. And high school wasn't all evil."

"It was the people who were evil, Hobi."

"That's why we have to show them their evil ways weren't enough to break us down."

"What do you mean, we? Everyone loved you!"

"The jocks hated me for being popular despite not playing football."

That was true. They sometimes gave him a hard time for grabbing the attention of girls more than them.

"Besides, we're grown ups. If they weren't able to mature, that's their problem. We'll just breathe in some hometown air and have fun."

You did miss home. And the fact Hoseok'll be with you eases your stress so you say yes.

Hoseok and you roam the streets of Gwangju, firstly. You tell him the places you missed most and you visit those. When the reunion evening closes in, both of you go to your homes to get ready. Your parents are sort of shocked you're attending the event but they won't complain because they missed you a lot and you haven't realized how much you missed them back till you finally came back after a long while.

Hoseok comes to pick you up and oh boy. He immediately recongnizes the dress you're wearing as the exact one you wore to prom. The light blue piece fits your body even more perfectly now, he thinks.

"This is your prom dress." It's not a question because he's certain.

You panic because well you wore it thinking nobody would remember since not a lot of people were paying attention to you during prom and you didn't have anything else decent enough in your old closet. How the hell does he remember?

"It looks even more beautiful." And with that, your panic is no more.

You get to the school finally and almost everyone is there. All trying very hard to look fancy, so Hoseok and you make fun of some of them before entering.

"It's J-hope!", "Hope's back!" and "Who is that with Hoseok?" are the comments you hear as you walk by. A few speeches are given, while you stuff your face with cupcakes. Then music's on and people start dancing.

Hoseok is approached by many and he kindly converses with them all. He forces you to speak from time to time, too. One of the boys who you used to tutor a lot, Hansung, tries to make a couple of moves on you. Probably under the influence of alcohol. You politely dismiss him but some other guys that came alone also are eyeing you from different places of the room. Hoseok is well aware and not okay with it, at all.

He slides a hand down your arm and links your fingers. When you turn to him in surprise, he pulls you closer. "Let's act like a couple."

"What-"

"I'm sick of people trying to see if you're available for them, aren't you?"

It is a bit disturbing. You bet most of them didn't even recognize you and are just looking for a prey for the night. "I am." you reply.

"Then just go with it."

So you do that but this time the girls start to get uncomfortable since most of them were eyeing Hoseok. And like clockwork, Gaeun appears with her gang of plastic girls. Gaeun used to be Hoseok's biggest fan. But all she actually wanted was to get into his pants just cause of how popular he was. Knowing this, you tense up. Her eyes hold such a suggestive look that you almost want to protect Hoseok from her.

As far as you know Hoseok has never indulged her like that back in school days. And he doesn't seem to be effected by the way she looks right now, either which can be described in two words: model legs.

"Hobi~" her irritating voice muses. "There're lots of girls wanting to dance with you tonight."

He takes his hand away from yours to claimingly grab you waist. "Sorry, ladies. My dances are all booked by this one, right here." He turns his head and places a kiss on your temple.

"I'm sure your date for the night won't mind if-"

"She's not just my date for the night. Y/N is my girlfriend." he cuts her off. Shock is evident not only on their faces but yours as well. The girls have to walk away awkwardly but what they think they're speaking among themselves is quite audible to you.

"There's no way. Y/N could never be enough for him. Just wait until the end of the night and see how he gets bored."

Hoseok didn't hear them. But you and some other people did. And you don't care what Gaeun says but her words get around fast and people are looking at you even more weirdly than before. Hoseok realizes your body tensing up.

"What's the matter?"

"I don't think people are buying that we're together. Especially after Gaeun started speaking to them."

He looks around to find that people really were looking at you suspiciously.

"Let's make it more believable, then."

He pulls you to the dancefloor and starts moving you to the rhythm. You've danced with him before but they were all silly ones, meant for fun. This one was serious. And your bodies were seriously close. But you just let him lead you, knowing that he knows what he's doing. After a while he figures that the music's ending so he twirls you around and finishes with a sudden dip.

You're back is resting againt his hand as you're leant back and Hoseok's face is so very close to yours. Some people clap and some don't but neither of you really care about the people watching anymore. Then he kisses you. He downright kisses you at the center of the dancefloor. It's passionate but gentle. He doesn't let go for a while but you've no clue how long it's been cause you're lost in the taste of him. Which is a thousand times sharper than the whiskey and a thousand times sweeter than the cupcakes.

He pulls you back up, finally parting your lips. "I think we got about enough attention. Wanna get out of here? We can go to the music room." he suggests. All you can do is nod cause you still can't form words.

You get there and it's the only place in this school that you've missed. You sit down on the piano seat and Hoseok pulls a chair next to you, it's like deja vu.

"You know the song you used to play, the one I liked a lot. River-"

"River flows in you." of course you remember.

"Yeah. I kinda tried learning that on the piano a while back."

"Show me."

He tries to play it and messes up some bits so you help him out. Then, your hands touch accidentally and you both freeze.

"Y/N-"

"Hoseok-"

You both try to speak at the same time and cut each other off, so you laugh. Hoseok goes for it again.

"Y/N. I wanted to ask you out so many times right here, as you'd play songs to me. Did you know that?"

You most certainly did not.

"I wanted to ask you to a dance at the prom, so bad. But you left before I could muster up the courage."

He turns to face you completely.

"I couldn't believe it when I found you again, like that. Everything I felt came back to me as we spent more and more time with each other. And when I got that invite.. I thought- Maybe I've been given a second chance, to do it right this time."

Your heart is racing so fast that you can hear it. Every word he said are things that you've been thinking. So you have to do it properly this time, too.

"So.. so, will you go out with-"

You crash your lips with his immediately and he responds in a flash. This time the kiss is much more deep and demanding. His hands travel down to your waist as you get up from your seat and move to his lap. He hums into your mouth and you try to take in every bit of the vibration from it before both of you pull apart, out of breath.

But he still looks at you with questioning eyes, as if you haven't just given him an answer clear as day. But he looks so cute that you entertain him.

"Yes, high school crush. I will go out with you."

He can finally smile again. Though, it turns into a smirk a while later.

"But will you go out with me?" you joke around, still sitting on his lap.

"I will go out with you so bad that it'll swipe you right off your feet."

As if he already doesn't..

....

A/N: Wowzers, my first Hoseok fic is finished.. I know this was long and thanks sooo much if you bared with me and read it. It would mean a great deal to me to know what you thought of this so, I’d love to have your feedback. Thanks again for reading and have a lobely daayyy :)

PS: How beautiful is Hoseok btw..

[justheretobreakthings]

Remember Me - Chapter 19

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Word Count: 4,353 (Total Word Count: 75,456) Read on AO3

Story Summary:

It was strange enough for the paladins of Voltron to have found another human this far from home, locked in a Galra prison. But it was stranger still when this human insisted that he knew them, and even that he was the former red paladin of Voltron.

That couldn’t possibly be true, could it? After all, if this Keith was actually a part of the Voltron team, then why does nobody remember him?

Chapter Preview:

Lance laughed. “So, have you just been spying on all of us this whole dinner?”

“No,” Shiro said. “I’ve been people-watching. Much more socially acceptable.”

“Uh-huh.”

Shiro shrugged. “What can I say. Feel like it’s kinda my job to keep an eye on the lot of you. Someone has to make sure you kids keep yourselves out of trouble.” He suddenly frowned, squinting across the room. “Speaking of which…”

Lance followed his gaze and spotted Keith walking alongside one of the serving tables. Or, staggering, more like. He was moving slowly, hands on the edge of the table, taking awkward, lurching steps. “Oh God,” Lance said, rolling his eyes. “You know, I had a feeling Mullet wasn’t the sort of guy who could hold his liquor.”

“How are you liking the nunvill, Number Three?”

Lance spun around to face Coran at the sound of his voice, then his eyes darted between the cup in his hand and the royal advisor’s expectant face. “Wait, this is nunvill?!” he said, incredulous. “It doesn’t taste a thing like it did last time!”

“Yes, it seems human taste buds aren’t well suited to appreciating nunvill’s intense flavor,” Coran said. “More’s the pity. However, the buoying qualities of the beverage are really too good for you paladins to have to miss out on, so I recruited Hunk and Shiro as taste testers to figure out a fruit juice blend that would be more, ah, palatable to you humans. Thought I’d debut it here. It’s always good party etiquette for the guest to bring along a dish or beverage for the host to serve. Keep that in mind.”

“Well, you did a good job. I can barely taste it. What is this, like, five percent alcohol?”

“One percent nunvill, although I don’t know how that compares in strength to your ‘alcohols’ on Earth. Considering that a single glass of nunvill can effectively de-rust an average-sized ion cannon…”

“Yeah, no, that’s - that’s strong,” Lance said. “I’ll try and be careful with it.”

“Good lad,” said Coran with a satisfied nod. “It’s nice that some of my efforts aren’t going to waste today.”

Lance grimaced. “Coran, you’re not too upset about us not doing the air show, are you?”

“No, no, of course not!” Coran said with a laugh. “It simply wouldn’t make sense to do the show anymore after that battle with the Holvarthans.”

“Oh, good. I was worried that you’d be - ”

“And sure, I may have poured my heart into that choreography to put on as elegant a show as possible, and spent a full day working on those new additions. And do I enjoy getting to play the roles of director and narrator and producer and everything I could have been if a career in show business had ever taken off for me? Of course I do! But upset? Bah! I’m not upset! Not at all, my boy, not at all!” He looked down at his own cup of nunvill-juice. “You know, I think I preferred the stronger stuff…”

He sighed and left without a goodbye, leaving Lance shaking his head to himself. And he’d thought Pidge could be passive-aggressive. Clearly, she’d been bested by a new master.

His eyes roved around the room, eyes out for his fellow paladins. Most everyone in the room was engaged in conversation; the Thotirnians were talkative people on the whole, it seemed, and they moved about the room easily to dart between conversation partners, the gangly limbs on their reptilian bodies that seemed to contain triple the number of joints as humans no doubt helping in the endeavor. The banquet hall, too, seemed to have been arranged for optimum sociability. The dinner was served buffet-style, but with the dishes scattered across different tables all over the hall rather than on one long serving station. There weren’t many tables for actually eating, and only enough chairs to seat about a third of the occupants in the hall. The majority Thotirnians apparently preferred to eat while standing and walking about.

Fortunately all the dishes served were basically finger food, Lance noted as he turned to a table refill his plate with a particularly sweet dish that resembled half-sized spring rolls in appearance. His focus at this party had been more the food than the people. The scaly, oblong-faced Thotirnians weren’t particularly appealing to flirt with, and their culture seemed perfectly okay with interrupting speakers in conversation and cutting each other off, making story-telling difficult.

They were honestly just a bit exhausting. The introverted Pidge must have been getting irritable by this point, and even Shiro got worn out by chatter at times. And Keith…

Well, Lance actually hadn’t paid much attention to Keith’s whereabouts during this whole gathering. The mullet wasn’t exactly a social butterfly. A social pill bug, perhaps. Deciding to check and make sure Voltron’s guest hadn’t gone and imploded from oversocialization, Lance started weaving through the crowd, keeping his eyes peeled for the silvery armor.

He spotted Keith after a few minutes, standing near one of the few empty tables that was available for dining rather than serving food, leaning awkwardly against a chair as if he wasn’t sure what to do with his legs. He was in the middle of a talk with three Thotirnians, and judging by his expression, whatever they were discussing wasn’t Keith’s preferred topic. Lance casually sauntered over to listen in.

“So would that make you some sort of soldier for the Voltron alliance?” one of the Thotirnians, the tallest of the three, was asking. “Are you a conscript?”

“No, that’s not - I do more than just help out in battles,” Keith said. “I mean, I’m living in the castle and - ”

“You are a tenant?”

“No, no, I - it’s not like I’m paying them rent or - look, I’m an ally, but, like, a close ally. I live with the paladins and I do my part in the battles and around the castle and - and stuff like that.”

The Thotirnians were quiet a moment, expressions pensive, before realization crossed the face of one of them and he spoke up: “Ah, so you are a servant.”

“Oh my god,” Keith muttered, closing his eyes and lifting his cup to his lips to drink.

“What are we talking about over here?” Lance asked, moving in so he was standing right at Keith’s side.

The tallest Thotirnian gestured with a wave of his hand toward Keith. “We were simply inquiring as to this one’s relationship to Voltron. He is obviously not a paladin, you see, nor a soldier from any military we were aware of, and yet he flew with your team in battle.”

“Ah, well,” Lance said with a shrug. “Let’s just say our relationship with ol’ Keithy here is ‘complicated’ and leave it at that. Right, Keith?” Keith grimaced and took another gulp of his drink.

The Thotirnian nodded solemnly. “Understandable. It must be a strange transition, putting a Galra into your servitude, but - ”

He was interrupted by the sound of a spluttering cough as Keith choked on his drink. Lance thumped him on the back, and Keith managed a couple of gasping breaths before asking in a strangled voice, “How - how did you know I’m Galra?”

“Well, your smell,” the Thotirnian said, a hint of annoyance in his tone as if he were explaining something patently obvious. “It is fainter than most Galra, but it’s there. And your blood is not as warm as that of the paladins.”

“How can you tell - ?”

“I can see it quite clearly.”

“And your eyes,” one of the other Thotirnians added. “Those irises - I have only ever seen the color on Galra, haven’t you?” The other two nodded in agreement.

“Yes, they are quite frightening,” the first one said.

“All right, cool,” Lance said, before clearing his throat. “Hey, have you three heard about how the flux capacitors on the Lions work? It’s super cool, you should go ask the green or yellow paladin about it. They’d love to share some of the gritty details.”

“Really?” said the Thotirnian, brow raised - or, the ridge over his eyes angled in such a way that a brow would be raised if one was there. “It sounds interesting. Thank you, we will search them out.”

The Thotirnians left, and with a sigh, Keith collapsed into a nearby chair and ran a hand over his face. “Thanks for that,” he muttered.

“No problem,” Lance said with a shrug. “I’m kinda guessing parties aren’t really your scene, huh?”

“I had been getting better at them,” Keith sighed. He took another swig from his drink and then set the empty cup down with a thunk. “It’s easier when I actually know what I’m doing at them. I - I thought maybe coming to this thing with you guys was gonna feel a bit like old times…” He brought his index finger up to idly brush around the rim of his cup. “Guess that’s not really a possibility anymore. I gotta get another drink.”

“You haven’t been drinking too much of that stuff, have you?” Lance asked. “It’s weak, but it’s still nunvill. So, you know, space alcohol.”

“I can handle alcohol,” Keith said, rolling his eyes.

Lance snorted. “Oh, please. You can’t even handle milk.”

“That’s not even - whatever,” Keith said. He stood up from the table. “I’m drinking, and I’ve been drinking. Only way I’m getting through this party. You can go ask Pidge about her flux component, leave me be.”

“Flux capacitor,” Lance corrected. “And they’re not real. Did you really not - dude, that was a Back to the Future reference, don’t you…?” He shook his head in exasperation at Keith’s blank stare. “Wow, man. Whatever, I guess. Enjoy your drinks.”

“I will.” With a languid wave of his hand Keith left, and Lance resumed his wandering. He eventually found himself near Allura and stuck around for a while to listen in as she fielded questions from curious Thotirnians about the other planets in the alliance. He even helped answer a couple himself, to give Allura’s voice a break, although there weren’t many he could. He resolved to start making an effort to pay better attention during meetings - a resolution that he had already made a dozen times over in the past and never stuck to, but this time surely he could follow it through.

Eventually he grew bored, though, so he politely ducked out of the group and scanned the crowd for the other paladins. Shiro was the first he spotted, by himself, leaning against a wall with a drink in his hand, eyes roving about the room.

“Having a good time?” Lance asked as he approached.

“Perfectly mediocre,” Shiro replied.

“Ah, well.” Lance leaned against the wall next to him. “At least the food’s good.”

“That’s true. I think I’ve seen Hunk go to every table in this place at least twice. And you see how Pidge is carrying her helmet around two-handed like that?” He pointed across the crowd, and Lance followed his finger to peer at her. “She stole a bunch of those rolls with the jam fillings and hid them in her helmet. Guess she wanted to take them back for later. She really thinks she’s being subtle.”

Lance laughed. “So, have you just been spying on all of us this whole dinner?”

“No,” Shiro said. “I’ve been people-watching. Much more socially acceptable.”

“Uh-huh.”

Shiro shrugged. “What can I say. Feel like it’s kinda my job to keep an eye on the lot of you. Someone has to make sure you kids keep yourselves out of trouble.” He suddenly frowned, squinting across the room. “Speaking of which…”

Lance followed his gaze and spotted Keith walking alongside one of the serving tables. Or, staggering, more like. He was moving slowly, hands on the edge of the table, taking awkward, lurching steps. “Oh God,” Lance said, rolling his eyes. “You know, I had a feeling Mullet wasn’t the sort of guy who could hold his liquor.”

Shiro sighed and pulled himself away from the wall, setting off toward Keith, and Lance decided to follow. When they reached him, he had just made it across the whole table and had stepped away from it, arms out slightly at his side to steady himself. “Hey, bud,” Shiro said, reaching out a hand to take Keith’s arm. “Are you doing okay?”

“I’m great,” Keith said, flashing him a smile. It was clear instantly just how flushed his face was, and his eyes seemed to take a second to locate Shiro’s face before slurring, “This is - ‘s a good party, Sh’ro. Everyone’s fun.”

Shiro raised a brow. “Huh. Keith, how much have you had to drink tonight?”

“I dunno,” Keith answered. “I had - hmm. There was a cup…” He frowned. “I d’nno what happened to that.”

“Damn, he’s really gone,” Lance said. “He wasn’t like this earlier.”

“How much earlier we talking?” Shiro asked.

“A while? Not sure. He, uh, he said he’s gotta drink a bit to get through the party, and some of the Thoti-, um, the Thor-, the alien dudes, they were giving him a little bit of a hard time, so…”

Shiro frowned and looked to Keith, who didn’t seem to have been listening and was instead staring in wonder at the ceiling. “Keith, are you having a tough time at this dinner?”

“Mmmmm, yeah,” Keith said. “S’okay, though. The juice is good. Shiro, ‘ve you tried the juice? Ya gotta try it, Shirooooo…”

“All right,” Shiro said. “I’m taking him back to the castle.” He threw an arm around Keith’s shoulders, and Keith leaned into it instantly, eyes lidding sleepily. “Lance, could you let Allura know where we went?”

“Wait, you’re leaving?” said Lance.

“Well, Keith doesn’t seem to be in any state to be up and about, and he definitely can’t get back to the castle on his own. I have to leave.”

Lance paused, gaze flicking between Shiro and Keith, the former’s arm securely around the latter to steady him as he slumped comfortably into his grip. “Hey, um, I can take him.”

“Thanks, Lance, but you don’t have to - ”

“No, no, it’s fine,” Lance insisted. He slipped his own arm around Keith’s back to tug him away from Shiro. “You’re the Black Paladin, you should really stick around ‘til this thing’s wrapped up. And I’m feeling pretty sleepy, been wanting to head back anyway.” He yawned for emphasis, and beside him, Keith yawned too.

Shiro hesitated, frown deepening, but finally he nodded. “All right,” he said slowly. “Just put him in his bedroom and try to make sure he doesn’t make a mess or fall on his face or anything.”

“Will do, Shiro,” Lance said, giving him a thumbs-up before turning away and dragging Keith beside him. “Come on, you idiot, let’s get you back.”

“‘Kay,” Keith said, falling into step obligingly, and already Lance decided that drunk Keith was leagues better to deal with than migraine-y Keith. Drunk Keith didn’t need to make it a point to be stubborn for the sake of stubbornness.

It turned out, though, that drunk Keith was just as unsteady on his feet as migraine-y Keith, and as they walked back toward the castle under the darkening sky, it became increasingly obvious just how much of a lightweight Keith was. At one point, he mumbled something incoherent, knocked his head onto Lance’s paultron with an audible thunk, and closed his eyes, apparently trying to go to sleep on his feet right then and there.

It would have been hilarious if it didn’t have to come with muscle strain on Lance’s part, he mused as he shook Keith off of him and set them moving again.

The walk back to the castle was slow and unsteady, but they made it with Keith still on his feet, and that was the important part. Keith lolled his head back and watched the lights along the ceiling pass by as Lance steered him to his living quarters. “Hey, hey Lance,” Keith said, too loudly for the silent and empty halls of the castle.

“I can hear you, man, you don’t need to shout,” Lance replied.

Keith continued in the exact same volume. “Th’s castle - it’s so big. Y’ever think about that?”

“Uh, I don’t really think about it. But, yeah, it’s big. Good on you for noticing.” He turned down the hallway that housed Keith’s room. “Nearly there, buddy.”

“It’s too big,” Keith said, expression falling to a frown. “Too big. Things… things’ll get lost…”

“I’m sure they do.” Lance opened the door and led the two of them in. “All right, we’re home. Bedtime.”

“Yep,” said Keith. He pulled away from Lance and simply tilted backward onto the bed, flopping onto it face-up right along the head of the bed on top of the pillow. “Bedtime.”

“Okay, dude, if you sleep in full armor you’re gonna be sore as hell come morning.”

“Mm. Tha’s smart,” Keith slurred. He pulled himself back up into a sitting position and gazed silently down at his vambrace for a few ticks before reaching out a hand to fumble uselessly at it. “I can’t get ‘t off,” he declared.

Lance sighed. “God, you’re like damn a toddler when you’re drunk, aren’t you? Remind us never to let you drink at a party again.”

“Okay,” Keith said, obligingly holding out his arm for Lance to remove the vambrace, then move on to the rest of the armor. “Thanks,” he added after a bit, drawing out the ‘s’ in a hiss.

“Whatever,” said Lance. He set the vambraces and gauntlets aside and moved to the breastplate. “I’d really hate to see this armor get covered in vomit tomorrow morning when you wake up with a hangover. Which is definitely going to happen, Mister Lightweight.”

Keith just hummed appreciatively, swaying a little where he sat until Lance grabbed him by the shoulders to hold him still. “‘S nice armor,” Keith agreed. “Liked my old armor better, though.”

“Yeah, your old armor,” Lance muttered, lifting the breastplate off of him. “Stick your legs out a bit, will you?”

Keith obliged, and he let out a small burp before continuing. “It was the red armor. Allura says I di’n’t wear it, but… I dunno… feels right. I like red.”

“Mm-hm,” Lance hummed, pulling the greave off of his right ankle.

“Heh,” said Keith. “I said ‘I like red’ because - b’cause, like, the color. But I like Red, too. Th’lion. She’s a good lion.”

“Yeah, I know,” Lance straightened up, tossing the last of the armor aside. “Okay, so, I guess you’re gonna have to sleep in your undersuit tonight. Because I am definitely not gonna change you into your pajamas. I think we’ll both rest easier forever if this is the most I ever strip you, yeah?”

“Yeah…” Keith agreed softly. He turned and stared down at the armor, his brow creasing.

After a few seconds of the silent staring, Lance tilted his head. “Uh, Mullet? You all right there?”

Keith turned back to Lance. His face still flush as it had been this whole, but now with the addition of a dewiness in the eyes that took Lance by surprised. “Lance?” Keith said in practically a whisper. “I miss it.”

“Um,” Lance said slowly. “What - what do you miss?”

“Bein’ a paladin,” Keith answered. “I miss - I miss Red.”

Lance let out a slow exhale. “Yeah, I know you do. We’ve been over this, man, I know it’s no fun for you and all, but you - ”

Keith suddenly let out a loud, strangled sound before leaning to the side, his expression crumbling as he flopped against the wall at the head of the bed. “I miss Shiro,” he croaked.

“Um.” Lance cleared his throat and shifted his stance awkward. “Do you, uh, do you want me to go back and get him, or - ?”

“No!” Keith snapped, face immediately falling to a scowl. “No, no, no, no, not - I miss my Shiro.”

“What do you mean, your Shiro?”

“My Shiro. The one from - the one I r’ember…” His chin trembled and he let out another strangled whine before burying his face in his hands. “This one, he’s nice, an’ he’s good, but… but he’s not m’brother. He doesn’ remember… he was the first - the first family tha’ I had in sooooo long, and - an’ now i’s all gone…” He lowered his hands and stared at them, curling and uncurling his fingers against his palm. “It’s all gone…” he whispered.

Lance lowered himself cautiously onto the bed, staring at Keith’s face, where the tears had started flowing. This was… not good. He wouldn’t have offered to take Keith back to the castle on his own if he had known that he was going to end up like this.

He had dealt with drunk people before. Once someone had spiked the punch at a party he and Hunk had attended during their Garrison days, and Lance had wound up having to babysit his friend for the rest of the night. But drunk Hunk had simply found everything hilarious. And Coran had once vastly underestimated both the strength of the beverages on one of the planets they had once visited and his own tolerance level, but drunk Coran had simply become an even more loud, talkative, and flirty version of himself.

Giggly drunk, he could handle. Bold drunk, he could handle. Weepy drunk, though?

He lifted a hand to awkwardly pat Keith’s back. “Uh… there there?” Keith didn’t even seem to notice, just began mumbling something under his breath. “Keith?” Lance said. “I, uh, I didn’t catch that, what’d you say?”

Keith turned his head, blinking blearily as his eyes slowly met Lance’s. “It just keeps happ’n’n, Lance,” he whispered. “Every time I try… just all goes away… ” He let out a hitched sob and buried his face back into his hands. “‘S my fault,” he said, voice muffled through his fingers.

“What’s your fault?”

“I left,” Keith said. “I left, ‘cause I was gettin’ it all wrong... messed it all up - tha’s what happens, Lance, I ge’ there, I mess ‘t up, an’ then I have t’ go… but I really really tried, Lance, I tried an’ I thought - I was doin’ it, I w’s doing good, and we were all friends, but then - b’t then - but then it was bad again, and I had to go - had to go - had to - I still tried, I tried with the Ba-… with the - the Bade - the Blades, but then it all just… poof.” He let out a sigh, his shoulders shaking. “All gone,” he finished off in a whisper so tiny Lance barely picked up on it.

He listed to the side, letting his eyes drift close, before softly adding, “It hurts. Hurts so much…”

Lance took a deep, uncertain breath. “Right. Um. I’m not - I’m not sure I followed all of that but - but, um - ” Good God, he was definitely not the person who should be doing this. He could give a pep talk with the best of them, but that was only when he knew his audience. He knew all the buttons to press to get Hunk smiling again, and how to bolster Allura’s strength when she needed it. But Keith - Keith was a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a mullet. He had no clue what Keith needed to hear, or wanted to hear. Or even whether he was so drunk that he wouldn’t even gauge any meaning out of anything Lance did say.

He regretted not letting Keith just fall asleep on their walk back to the castle. Would have made things much easier.

For now, he just needed to get Keith to settle down. Get him to stop crying, and get some rest. Then, by morning, surely he will have forgotten all about all this shit on his mind. Or, at least, he would be sobered up and be able to discuss it in some way that made a lick of sense, and hopefully with someone who actually had some idea how to handle it.

Cautiously he stood up from the bed. “Hey, uh, look, Keith,” he said slowly. “I’m, uh - I’m sure that, whatever it is you’re on about, it - it wasn’t your fault.”

“Was,” Keith said softly.

“Well, um, okay, even if it was, that’s - that’s over now. You have to remember, of course, none of that - any bad stuff you remember, it didn’t really happen, right? So, you know. You don’t even need to worry about it!” Keith’s lower lip began trembling hard, new tears starting to pour from his eyes. Okay, shit, Lance thought. Not the strategy to go with. “I mean - I mean, just the - just the bad parts. The parts about, uh, messing up and stuff? Those were - that part’s fake. But, um, I’m sure the rest of it is… that’s real?”

He examined Keith’s expression intently, trying to gauge how Keith was taking it. It didn’t exactly feel good to lie to him - in fact his stomach was turning more leaden every passing second - but the guy was three sheets to the wind; it wasn’t like any lie Lance told now was going to stick. And if being told that, yes, sure, his memories were real, if that was what Keith needed right now to stop crying, so be it.

“My team?” Keith asked quietly. “They’re real? … They know me?”

“Yeah, man, ‘course they do.”

“Where are they?”

“Uh…” Lance cleared his throat. “Tell you what, how about - how about I leave and go get them?”

“You’ll… where’re they?”

“They’re kind of a ways away, but I can go get them for you. But it’ll be a little while, see, so - so in the meantime you need to stop crying and get some rest.”

“Get some rest…”

“Yeah. And then by the time you wake up, they’ll be here, and everything will be great. Sound good?”

Keith seemed to mull it over for a few seconds, then he gave Lance a woozy smile. “Thank you,” he said.

“No problem,” said Lance. “So, you just get some sleep, and I’m gonna - I’m gonna leave.”

“Yeah…”

“Good night, Keith.”

Lance turned to leave, and made it across the room and had his hand on the door before Keith cried, “Wait! Lance!”

Lance whipped back around, to see Keith suddenly wide-eyed, urgency written across his face. “What is it?” he asked.

“I gotta - I gotta tell you - ” said Keith. “It’s important.”

Lance hurried back toward him. “What? What’s wrong?”

Keith placed his hands firmly on Lance’s shoulders to look him squarely in the eye. And with an amount of solemnity and directness that surely shouldn’t even have been possible in his drunkenness, he announced, “I am going to throw up.”

Then, to Lance’s dismay, he turned around, leaned over, and did just that.

[angelrider13]

FFXV: you can’t run from the shadow (but you can invite it to dance)

Chapter: 2/?

AO3 | FF | Master Fic List

By the time Rayna was five, she'd decided that being royalty was overrated.

She was barely out of her toddler years and already they had her and Regis going through court etiquette. Because apparently if you called a Duke "my Lord" instead of "Your Grace" or failed to properly articulate someone's name, it would offend their delicate, noble sensibilities. Personally, she's of the opinion that if a five year old acting like a five year old was offensive, then their sensibilities deserved to be shattered.

Watching their governess's face when she messed up on purpose was a thing of beauty and Regis's smothered giggles just made it even better. Honestly, if kids were a thing in her future (and they probably would be given the royalty thing), then she's holding off on court training until they were at least eight just so she could cackle at all the flailing nobles. If Regis let her, she'd do the same with Noctis.

But that was in the far off future and right now she was just a child with a weird amount of adult expectations. She was a bit baffled by it actually. She had thought that this was a modern age relatively speaking and that people would be well aware that treating children like small adults was not something that ended well for either party. Maybe it was just a royalty thing? She had no idea.

Another thing was that her supposed parents were hardly a blip on the scale. She was lucky if she saw either of them once a week, which was ridiculous even if they had a country to run. Regis didn't really notice, but he had no other frame of reference - this was normal for him, for him this is what parents were.

Rayna though, she'd had parents before. They'd had their ups and downs and didn't always see eye to eye and they were by no means perfect, but they had been present. Mors and his wife, whose name was apparently Ophelia, just...weren't.

They were strangers in every sense of the word and while Ophelia would hug them and coo over them when she visited, it was awkward at best and distant at worst. Rayna wasn't really comfortable with these two people who came and went as they pleased but still expected to be addressed as "mother" and "father" and be granted all the unconditional love those titles implied. It was obvious they'd had a child out of obligation rather than the actual desire to become parents.

Which she was fine with, for the most part. Rayna had lived to adulthood in her life before - she knew who she was, had had time to grow into herself. For all that she was in a different body, that knowledge hadn't gone away. No, she didn't really need parents. She had Regis and their governess and she was content with that.

What she was not content with were all the rules that came with her new life. It was bad enough that she knew disaster was looming just around the corner. Now she had to deal with other people running her life like they were entitled to it. She'd expected it to some degree - she was a child after all and children needed to be managed. But she had little time to herself, was always expected to be perfect, and though she could speak now, no one seemed to want to listen.

She got frustrated easily and she lashed out as children were prone to what they were overwhelmed. New life or not, new body or not, she was an introvert and being around people all the time without reprieve was exhausting. But people didn't seem to understand that. There was always someone there - telling them how to act, how to dress, how to stand, how to sit, how to play.

Rayna wanted to scream.

And she did. Quite frequently. Because no one listened when she tried to tell them she was done for the day, when she needed a break, when she needed to breathe. So she screamed and cried and once she even threw an inkwell at their tutor so hard that she ended up breaking his nose.

Regis would stand between her and the adults with a frown on his face, back straight, head held high, looking every inch a King despite his small stature. Rayna was guiltily grateful for it. Regis was child in body and in mind, but he would protect her first and always even though it should have been the other way around. Regis was determined and Rayna couldn't find it in herself to make him stop.

He'd drag her to the gardens, pointedly ignoring the guards trailing after them, babbling nonsense at her all the while and weaving flowers into her hair while she calmed down. It happened often enough that the landscaping staff became quite familiar with them. Loren in particular was fond of them and taught them how to make flower crowns. Regis was delighted by the very idea of them and between the three of them, they made enough crowns for everyone.

When their governess eventually tracked them down, Rayna shyly presented her a crown made of amaryllis flowers and day lilies.

"Sorry for leaving the lesson, Emelie," Rayna said, eyes on the ground, because she knew that her behavior was unacceptable for a princess. As an adult, she knew better and as a princess, she was expected to be better. Though physically a child, she felt her own behavior, however justified, was inappropriate. She expected better of herself.

"I'm not sorry," Regis said stubbornly, eyes defiant, even as she prodded his side, "We can't be in lessons all the time and no one ever listens when Rayna says she needs a break!"

Emelie sighed. "Your Highness -"

Regis set his jaw and glared at her. "No," he said with all the gravity a five year old could muster, "We're taking the rest of the day off and tomorrow too. And if you try to stick us in lessons, we'll just sneak out again."

Emelie eyed the young Prince, before looking at her. Rayna wasn’t sure what she looked like, but her eyes felt swollen and raw and her cheeks felt tacky.

Their governess sighed again at whatever she saw, the line of her shoulders easing. “Very well, Highness.”

Regis beamed and gleefully took the flower crown from his sister’s hands, presenting it to Emelie. Their governess huffed out a laugh and knelt, allowing Regis to place the crown on her head.

She smiled at them, fingers tracing the petals. “Thank you, Prince Regis. Princess Rayna.”

Rayna smiled back and offered her some crocus flowers. “Wanna help?”

Emelie settled herself down on the grass, carefully arranging her skirts. “I don’t know how to make flower crowns,” she said, “You’ll have to show me.”

The twins grinned at her.

Weskham was a lot like what she remembered of Ignis.

He was poised and polite and everything a chamberlain to the future king would need to be. He was kind and gentle, but had a cutting tongue and a quick wit to match. Rayna quite liked him. She didn’t really know what to make of him, that first day when Emelie introduced them to each other.

Her memories of her life before have faded and the fine details that she kept tucked away from prying eyes, encrypted in her mother tongue, made no mention. Whatever role Weskham played in the greater game was minor at best. She remembers that he was in Altissia by the time the main plot rolled around, but she knew nothing about why he left or his relationship with her brother.

Regis was���less than impressed with Weskham. Although, Rayna suspected that had more to do with the fact that it was made clear that Weskham was there to be his advisor with no mention of her at all.

(Rayna was forever grateful that she was the younger twin. She wasn’t sure if she’d have been the heir were she older given her gender, but now she didn’t have to worry about it.)

To his credit, Weskham didn’t let Regis’s attitude bother him, though it did take him about two weeks to figure out the cause. The day he greeted Rayna first and engaged her in conversation, completely ignoring Regis in the meantime, was the day Regis began to thaw towards him.

“If you’re going to mine,” Regis told him later, eyes serious as Rayna hovered over his shoulder, “Than you have to be ours.”

Weskham just looked between them and nodded.

He started attending lessons with them and when he noted the tension between the royals and several of their tutors, he placed himself firmly on their side.

“I quite like him,” Rayna whispered to her brother in Italian as they watched Weskham argue with their tutor about the benefits of hands on instruction, all of ten years old to their seven.

Regis snorted next to her. “You just like that he’s willing to argue with anyone.”

“It’ll be good for you when we’re older.”

Regis wrinkled his nose at her. “That’s what I have you for.”

Rayna laughed.

“This…could end poorly,” Weskham said, as he stood next to her watching Regis and Clarus go at it in the middle of the training yard.

Rayna grimaced. “It’s been a long time coming, Wesk,” she replied, “Let them get everything out in the open now.”

Weskham hummed in agreement, but the slant of his mouth told her he was not pleased.

The situation with Clarus had caught her completely off guard. What she remembered painted the relationship between Regis and Clarus as best friends at worst and platonic life partners or even lovers at best. They were loyal to each other, trusted each other. But that was their relationship almost forty years from now. She’d had no idea how they started out but it was becoming increasingly obvious that the bond she remembered was something that had developed over time.

Clarus was to be Regis’s Shield.

She knew it.

Regis knew it.

Everyone knew it.

But Clarus was an only child, and there were two royal children. Since Regis was the Crown Prince, he was the one Clarus would swear oaths too once he came of age. This left Rayna without a Shield of her own and Regis was not please about the blatant disregard of his sister’s safety. In everyone’s defense, it had been generations since there had been more than one royal child at a time and twins were even rarer – no one had expected it. Clarus was older than them and Lord Amicitia’s wife was unable to bare more children due to an illness that left her health in precarious balance. But at the same time, no one was making an effort to step up and accommodate the fact that they existed. Regis was the oldest and as such traditions that had been in place since the beginning of their line had fallen to him. And traditionally, only those of the Amicitia line served as Shields. This left Rayna by the wayside.

She was given a regular guard, but there was no one to be appointed as her future Shield, nor was there any effort put into finding one. The implications of this were…not positive. Guards were of course expected, but a Shield was something more than a guard and the fact that Rayna was indirectly considered unworthy of one rubbed the twins the wrong way. Regis was furious on her behalf, but Rayna wasn’t entirely sure how she felt about the whole thing. Somedays, she still felt very much like an outsider, like she was watching someone else’s life story unfold before her eyes even though she’d been here for ten years already. She wasn’t originally part of the story – obviously there was no Shield for her because she didn’t belong here. She had no place. Other days, she just felt resigned to the whole thing. She was distant at best with her parents and she had no expectations of them. The Council wasn’t much better.

Regis made his displeasure known at every available opportunity and Weskham was the king of passive aggressiveness.

In all honesty, Rayna wasn’t even sure she wanted a Shield.

She had guards. She received combat training. She learned to control her magic alongside Regis. A loyal companion would be nice, she supposed, but she wasn’t entirely certain she was worth it. It made sense for Regis to get the only Shield candidate available. He was the Crown Prince. He was light where Rayna was shadow. It was obvious to her.

Still, Clarus and Regis had not gotten off to a good start.

Regis had already been upset by the situation, but Clarus had made it worse by making it blatantly clear that he was only there to perform his duty. Technically speaking, he and Regis were strangers. They didn’t know each other and for all the oaths their ancestors had made to each other, it’s hard to be devoted to someone you’ve never met before. So Clarus was there because it was expected and as he was only expected to bond with the Prince, that was exactly what he did. He didn’t ignore Rayna pre se, but it was obvious that she wasn’t his concern.

Rayna didn’t take it personally. They’d never met and Rayna was old enough to understand that Clarus was a child living up to expectations placed on him.

Regis was not as understanding.

The two ended up clashing often.

Which led them to this moment where the two of them had rapidly dissolved from a training session into very actively trying to bash each other’s heads in. Both were sporting several bruises and Clarus had a lovely split lip he got in retaliation for the cut just above Regis’ left brow.

They were never going to get anywhere like this.

Rayna sighed loudly as she heaved herself up. “Right, then. Clearly they aren’t getting anywhere like this.”

Weskham blinked at her. “Rayna?”

“Just. Be ready to back me up?”

He eyed her and then the dueling pair. “Alright,” he agreed after a moment.

She nodded and stalked forward, reaching into her core and pulling at the magic that hummed through her heart. Cold flowed into her veins and frost bloomed across her skin, her breath coming in foggy wisps. She waited until Regis and Clarus pushed each other apart and before they could charge forward, she slammed her foot down on the ground, letting her magic loose.

Ice raced across the ground, freezing the boys’ feet in place. They both yelped in surprise, arms flailing as they tried to regain their balance.

Regis whipped around to face her. “Rayna!” he shouted, betrayal plain on his face.

Rayna crossed her arms over her chest, looking entirely unimpressed. “If you two are quite done?”

Clarus narrowed his eyes at her. “Princess – ”

“Nope,” she cut in, “This has gone on long enough.” She turned to look at Regis, met his eyes and held them. “Stop being mad at Clarus for something he has no control over. He’s the only Amicitia child. You’re the Crown Prince. Of course he’s going to be your Shield. It’s not his fault that our parents refuse to think around old traditions.”

Regis scowled at her. “You are just as important as me. You deserve – ”

“It’s not about what I deserve,” she interrupted, “And even if it was, it wouldn’t be Clarus’s fault. He has as much choice in this as you do.”

Her brother frowned, still clearly unhappy, but the line of his shoulders eased and he looked away from her gaze. Rayna nodded to herself and turned toward her brother’s Shield-to-be.

“As for you,” Rayna said, narrowing her eyes, “You could stand to put in a little more effort into this.”

Clarus’s jaw dropped. “Excuse me?”

“If you think I’ll let you be my brother’s Shield if you only see him as your duty, you have another thing coming,” she told him, “If all you see when you look at him is a job, then you will never be his Shield, tradition be damned.”

“Yeah?” Clarus challenged, “And who will be his Shield instead? Like you said, I’m the only Amicitia available.”

Rayna tilted her chin up, eyes hard. “I will,” she said firmly.

Clarus’s eyes widened and Regis made a choked sound behind her.

“I will,” she repeated, “Because if you think my brother is only your duty, then you don’t deserve to be his Shield. Duty is an obvious, common thing. Duty is for guards. You want to be a Shield? Then you have to give more than that.”

There was a stunned silence at her words and Clarus stared at her like he’d never seen her before.

“Rayna,” Regis said, and his tone had her turning towards him, “Rayna, you can’t – ”

“I can and I will,” she insisted, “Just because it’s whats proper and traditional and the way it’s always been done, doesn’t mean it should be done that way. You deserve better than that. You deserve someone who will care for you, not just the Crown.”

“I already have that,” Regis replied, looking at her pointedly, “You don’t need to prove that to me.”

Rayna huffed at him, a smile pulling at the corners of her lips. “Well good.”

“If everyone’s calmed down now,” Weskham drawled, “Perhaps, you can unfreeze them before someone gets frostbite, Your Highness?”

Rayna hummed, thoughtful. “If I let you go, are you going to start up again?”

Clarus and Regis glanced at each other before shaking their heads.

Rayna nodded. “Good,” she said and carefully released her hold on the ice, calling up a small thread of heat to help it along.

Next thing she knew, her knees were buckling as her vision blurred. A firm hand around her elbow was the only thing that kept her face from meeting the floor. She looked up, surprised to find Clarus looking back at her, a complicated expression that she couldn’t decipher on his face.

She was distracted as Regis all but descended on her. “Sorry, sorry,” she said as he pulled her up, “I think that was too much magic too fast. I’m fine. I’m fine.”

“Yes, well, perhaps we should not do that again?” Weskham said pointedly.

She shrugged sheepishly, not entirely able to bring herself to regret it even as she continued to lean on her brother to stay upright.

“It’s almost lunch time anyway,” Regis said, starting towards the hall with Rayna still secured in his grip. “Are you coming Clarus?”

Rayna and Weskham both turned to look at the future Shield, who blinked at them in shock, looking at each of their expressions. Rayna knew without looking that her brother’s expression was carefully neutral. She tried to keep hers somewhere between expectant and welcoming. She wanted the two of them to get along, to be King and Shield.

“Sure,” Clarus said after a long moment.

Weskham clicked his tongue at them. “The two of you are disgusting. Go clean up first. Rayna and I will meet you there.”

Rayna snorted at Regis’s peeved look. “You stink, brother mine,” she cooed as she pulled away from, “Go bond with your Shield.”

“He’s not my Shield,” Regis grumbled at her.

“Yet,” she countered, “You two have time to work it out.”

“I thought you were vying for the position,” Regis said as he eyed her cautiously.

Rayna tilted her head. “If worst comes to worse. For now, actually give him a chance and save your anger for those who deserve it.”

“What are they saying?” Clarus asked Weskham blankly.

“I’ve no idea,” Weskham admitted easily with a shrug, “They have their own language.”

“And they do this often?”

“All the time.”

Regis and Rayna smirked at each other. Ah, the joys of knowing a language no one else spoke.

As Regis and Clarus headed off to clean up, Rayna fell into step with Weskham.

“I think that went rather well,” she said.

Weskham sighed at her. “The magic might have been overdoing it.”

Rayna shrugged unrepentantly. “They both needed a kick in the pants.”

“Well, you’re not wrong,” he said dryly, “With luck, you shocked them out of their animosity.”

“There’s not really any animosity between them,” she replied, “Regis is mad at the situation in general, not Clarus specifically.”

“But Clarus is the on in front of him,” Weskham mused.

Rayna nodded. “And Clarus doesn’t know Regis at all outside of the fact that he was raised to one day swear his life too him.”

“So you’re saying they need to work on becoming friends,” he said with a tad more skepticism in his voice than Rayna thought was warranted.

“It’ll work. Boys are just dumb about this kind of thing,” she informed him matter of factly, delighting in the look of affront that crossed his face. She smiled and pat his arm consolingly. “Don’t worry, Wesk. You’re one of the few that actually has his head on straight. You’ll be fine.”

Weskham grumbled at her and she just laughed.

[survivor-halsingland]

Ep. 1: "There's 100% going to be a Canada alliance." - Amy

Amy

Initial reaction of cast reveal: I’m toast But for real this can go a couple of ways for me, none of which have me seeing myself make merge lol. I’m either going to be a very early boot here or be nice and active enough to solidify a place for a while. Lots of familiar and unfamiliar faces. Hopefully the people familiar with me won’t want to immediately vote me out. I have already mentioned to Derrick that I played with DeNara before, so hopefully we can bond over that and it not be used against me. I have explicitly asked Jared to not exclusively lie to me this go haha but we both said we were more playing for the other half of our duos and just agreed to do it. I was excited to see Blue on my tribe and I also know Leanne, and have already had a good chat with Klied - but his name does have “lie” in it 👀. Honestly I want to do a quick portion of divide and conquer, I planned on chilling in a pool tomorrow and going to drag bingo with Ava. But no one has solidly chosen anything so they are really about to force me to be tribe leader and sort this out. Things I look forward to: vibes, chatting with cool people, meeting people, twists, and drama Things I will not be doing: sitting on hours and hours of video calls. Not my style. But I know several people in this game love it. Let the good times roll y’all

Kenneth

HERE WE GO AGAIN! i'm fresh off of ingary, but jay has magic powers and pulled me in to another season of a potential clown fiesta <3 but seriously, this already seems a lot more enticing and spicy because of the theme in itself and how the challenges and idol hunt are structured so i am very excited to play :) i learned a lot about my last game and i will improve on it (hopefully) by taking more risks and plays that WILL be appreciated by the jury, and not be overly attached to people, which would result to tunnel vision. the first challenges are already pretty great, and i cannot wait to play this game. TO WIN! hehe >:)destiny i’m super confused about a lot of stuff tbh but everyone on my tribe is so nice and welcoming and i’m sure i’ll get the hang of it all soon :) i’m excited to be playing and just hoping i don’t screw things up for my tribe :/

AmyThis tribe is exhausting. Challenges where I need to send a photo back quickly really hate me. My phone took like a minute to actually send the photo, but Waldo went well. Except I started in the bottom right looking with vertical transects and Waldo was hiding in the bottom left 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ Woulda been 30 seconds had I started over there. But I’m already expecting tribal so I’m just hoping I wasn’t the worst portion of our challenges haha!

Leanne

Not very much to share so far. Some people on this tribe are much bigger talkers than others, Jared, Derrick, Klied, and Amy. It’s been harder to get Convo from Jesse and Blue, and I’ve barely heard from Josh or Aubree. I wonder if other people have had the same experience. Haven’t dared try game talk with anyone yet. Hoping I’m not behind, but it’s only day 2 right? Maybe I’ll try to put some feelers out with Amy. Maybe I’ll tell her about some things in the idol hunt and see if she’ll give me anything in return, maybe try to get a partnership going. I’m glad she’s on my tribe, but also a little bit scared because I’ve seen exactly how good she is. Aside from that, the person I feel best about right now is Derrick. We’ve had some good chats and seem to connect well. Hope he feels the same way. And Moth. I’m especially nervous about them. When we played before we didn’t exactly hit it off, but I think we’re both… trying. I hope we can have a new start this time, a new story. And from what I know of them they are a very loyal allies so, here’s hoping. Also happy to see Sarah here, and my yinzer JG. Maybe he and my dad can bond over that? And that’s all I’ve got so far. God I hope I did enough in the challenge today. *whines* I don’t wanna go to tribal first!

Jared

Don't mind me making a confessional before the game even starts, call me a game changer. https://youtu.be/JFOxzamkcH8

Jared

Not one, but two, confessionals before the game even begins. Sorry not sorry! https://youtu.be/SETx-0LoI9E

Shawn

Well, things are going good so far! I think anyway. Although I like everyone on my team, I do have to say it's odd playing with someone whose older than my father is, Frank. Usually I like to take charge in games like this, I like to be the leader. Yet, with Frank, it's difficult because he's so much older, I feel like I'm a little kid around him. I don't wanna tell him what to do, because I don't wanna be disrespectful? I'm so excited so far though, absolutely loving the challenge and how we get to pick! Im not that bright so I'm happy I can do creative stuff.

Aubree

This is my first BvW confession! Idk about the other tribe, but the Mysa Tribe is super chill. Most of the conversations yesterday consisted of everyone saying hi and that they were busy and would be active later. Day 2 and the activity level is still the same, which is kind of a relief since I am much more of an introvert. I have been trying to be the first to reach out to people since I feel that is something I have struggled with in past ORGs I’ve played in. I’m usually the reserved/silently-strategic player, but I’m going to try and be more proactive for this game. Ive talked to Klied, Jared, Amy and Leanne a decent amount and have enjoyed our conversations. I know of Amy due to the games she has played with Sarah, so I am hoping that works in my favor. Amy did say that Sarah voted her out in the first game they played in, so that could work one of two ways for my game… like if it came down to a vote between me or Sarah later on?? but maybe it is too soon to think that far ahead? Lol Even though I’m an Art Teacher I chose to steer away from the Creative part to our first challenge. Tbh I’m so burnt out irl when it comes to being creative due to my job, so I’m okay with taking a step back from the creative challenges for now. I’ve enjoyed being a part of the Scavenger Hunt, even though it was a bit harder than expected. I was so stoked to have a Starry Night print, but since it wasn’t real it didn’t count… Like who the heck has a REAL VAN GOGH?? (Or quick access to one) LOL As much as I would LOVEEE to have an original painting, that teacher salary-bracket doesn’t allow for that!! Lol I haven’t had anyone directly ask to me to be in an alliance with them… so that is - interesting? I’m used to the last two games I played where it felt like everything was very paced. Now, It’s either A) everyone is just chillin’ and not wanting to rush things or B) bonds HAVE already started to form but I’m not a part of them? I guess things will spend up more after the first challenge is over and we see where our strengths and weaknesses are in the tribe. Until then! - Aubree

Moth

Hi!! I’m back again and playing with someone I know. I actually happen to be on call with Destiny as I type this but like- were vibing And also once again I’m starting off on the wrong foot, not at home when the game starts.

Moth

I don’t trust Jared Straight up And I feel like that’s fair- Twice I’ve been voted out for my connections to Kyoshi island and it’s really fucking frustrating- Jared apologized and sounded sincere but idk I trust people too easily.. Brayden, Denara, and Leanne are also all in this game All people I’ve played with Leanne I don’t trust right off the bat. I tried that before but like- that didn’t work for me. I just want to at least make it to the merge

Frank

Having fun, learning as I get going. Truly impressed by the comraderi among people whom I've never met. Old dogs, new tricks, this is cool.

Klied

The game is going pretty well so far! Everyone has been really nice and supportive of one another. I hope this tribe dynamic continues for the next rounds of the game! :>

Moth

I fucked it up I genuinely feel really bad because everyone’s so confident in me- And I’m totally going to be a target now

Moth

Ohhhhh thank god Thank god because I was absolutely going to be on the chopping block if we lost I don’t want to be first out That being said

I don’t want Destiny to be first out either

Shawn

I'm not very happy tonight with how things went. I truly believe the other team deserved the win, the video was creative and a lot of effort was put into it! I think it was a great thing. But I disappointed that we lost so many of the challenges. I'm also getting annoyed that people are being present on the chat. I feel like it's me and another tribe member that is putting in all the work. Not impressed, but whatever. I just really hope I don't get voted off tomorrow.

Kenneth

welp i bombed the where's waldo challenge and my team lost by a hair in the riddles challenge because of an advantage so rip. i really hope i don't get voted off first because i severely underperformed in the challenge akjdnsajkndkjsnd i'd be really disappointed in myself :/

Amy

Shocked. Absolutely shocked we aren't headed to tribal lol. And here I thought my 4 minutes on Waldo was too slow but it was enough. Honestly we are lucky Blue's quit disadvantage was only what it was bc they quit after 30 minutes apparently. All these advantages at play! And I'm sitting here with a disadvantage. I think I'm clearly doing the idol hunt wrong 😆 all I have is a disadvantage from poison feast food and a chipmunk named Wadsworth in my pocket. Based on how little anyone is speaking I was certain we'd be going to tribal hands down no question. So I am very, very happy we avoided it in the end. I think it would have been between Jessie and Josh though bc they aren't active. I would have voted Jessie bc Josh did the video even after saying he didn't actually want to do the creative part so that's major props to him in my book! I am very curious as to who the other tribe is going to vote off in the end. I hope it's no one I want to make it far. Oh basically I know I'm probably not making merge so I'm trying to align things to get certain people farther and get other people out. I'm rooting for a newbie to take it. Anyway woo day off and I won't be first boot. Fingers crossed it's not Ava. I wouldn't be surprised if she was targeted for her association with me. Love this game! Love this cast! Love the idol hunt! The reward challenge was the most fun bc Ava and I were incredibly intoxicated after Drag Bingo and we did better each time! The last one we went "office" and "turnip" and literally bust out laughing and both said "Nate". I would like to personally apologize to Ellie for having to witness that nonsense. Thank you to everyone! Oh one last thing. I did not want to work with jared at all but it looks like I am going to be forced to do so. I think I have to put trust in Jared and in Leanne who has voted me out of two games prior 😆 but that's me always just bonding most with the people who are active and want to talk to me.

Amy

There's 100% going to be a Canada alliance.

Aubree

Who won the first challenge?? MYSA DID! Woot woot! Even though Jared, Jessie and I didn’t win the Scavenger Hunt portion after the advantages were added in - we did win as far as how many total objects were found, so I’m pretty proud about that! To top it off Sarah and I won the Reward Challenge!!!! We both get 3 stat points to add to our Idol Hunt… which I have yet to do… I should probably do that tomorrow O_o

Avat

hings are going well i think!!! i've had a lot of fun and i sorta vibe with everyone so far on the tribe. i'm really hyped and fingers crossed we do well. i've been sorta inactive with my challenge bc of work but i'm doing what i can for now. more to come soon

DeNara

Well this is my first confessional of the game and oh my is this going to be an interesting game. Initial impressions of my tribe...... Sarah +Jodi- frenemies because they are so good at survivor Frank- I really like him. He seems like a cool dude Kenneth- Seems cool, I may want to work with him, but he seems to be playing harder than he should so early Brayden- Didn't get the best first impression, but that could change Shawn- Super quiet, then they started chatting so that helped Ava, J.G., Destiny- Really inactive so I don't really know- potential first vote I want to work with Sarah, Frank and maybe Kenneth. Jodi would be good to work with although who knows what she is thinking. Everyone else I will stay open to working with, but really don't care too much as of yet.

DeNara

The first challenge was weird because everyone just took their roles and stopped talking. I HATE QUIET. Period. The creative challenge on my tribe wasn't super creative imo, but they tried. I didn't help in the scavenger hunt as much as I wanted too so that sucks, but at least we won that part so that looks good. I am so excited for this idol hunt! It is amazing! Props to the hosts! WE LOST, DAMMIT. At least Derrick won't be the first boot. I hope I am not either or HE WILL NOT STOP BUGGING ME ABOUT IT AND I WILL DIE.

DeNara

Well it is chaos now. Shawn has made an alliance with Sarah, Kenneth, and myself. I like the safety of that. Jodi, Sarah and myself also made a Subrosa alliance (we all knew that would happen) and I feel like this will keep me safe for a while at least. Both Sarah and Jodi want to work with Brayden and potentially Kenneth so we may make an alliance of 5 with them- but that also means Sarah and I would have to talk to Kenneth about not telling Jodi about the other alliance and that could be very risky early on.... hmmm idk about that. Also, Frank is my dude. I hope he stays. I think I am going to lean towards J.G. or Destiny.

Sarah

https://youtu.be/RzlLHyHZguQ

Kenneth

I am now in 2 alliances: one with denara, sarah, and shawn, and another one with ava and brayden! i feel good about both alliances, with the first one feeling solid and loyal (for now), and the second one for the long term! i feel very solid about sarah and denara, i feel like i can last long with them as my good allies. jodi's a tricky one, because i know she's a damn good player, but it's better to keep her on my side for now until an opportune time to make a move (and i actually really like talking to her!).

Jared

me: i'm gonna try to make this concise also me: 8 minutes on the very first episode where i'm not even going to tribal oh boy

Brayden

https://youtu.be/reALs2hizjk hey everyone I'm here

DeNara

So now I am in a bunch of alliances. I guided Kenneth to make an alliance chat with Sarah and me to tell us to keep our alliances with 1. Shawn and 2. Brayden and Jodi a secret. Insert evil laugh here lol. So all together right now I should have Sarah, Jodi, Kenneth, Brayden, Shawn and Frank backing me, so I shouldn't be first boot. It sounds like we are going for Destiny because they aren't very active, which was the name Kenneth threw out first so he is getting what he wants without upsetting me.

Ava

so so so bummed about going to tribal i thought we had it in the bag especially with our advantages but alas... i formed an alliance with brayden and kenneth which i'm super obsessed with i really like both of them - hopefully this means safety for tomorrow. i hate working two jobs and the week after next ill be working just one which is just so fucking sweet fingers crossed i can make it that long in this game. anyway that's all for now

Jodi

I'm so happy to be back. This time, I promise to play a chill Jodi game as I said in my intro, and I want to relax and enjoy this twist of a season. Jared and I are thrilled to play our second season together in the actual format of BvW, and we will be playing our own games. So far, I'm glad to have Denara, Sarah, Brayden on my tribe, as we all know each other but never played before (except Brayden). I want to keep an open mind and play fluidly. Kenneth told Brayden within 10 mins of the game starting that he was scared of me, but I hope I can gain the trust of people and not play as flashy as people remember me for. Looking forward to the connections I make!

Jodi

I promised y'all a chill Jodi game and here i am, delivering it. I think. DeNara and Sarah immediately made the "The Best of SubRosa" chat because obviously that was bound to happen, but additionally, the 3 of us are in an alliance with Brayden and Kenneth called "the clock" (because of our time zones ahahahaha). This game's dynamic is so different because even though we hate going to tribal, it also means that our loved ones are safe from tribal, which sometimes, could be better. I hope Jared is doing good on the other side. Obviously I trust Sarah and DeNara but I also know Sarah will cut my throat when it needs to happen, even if she gonna be crying while doing it, so I'll just...not be blinded by that. I trust Brayden 100%, Kenneth calling me scary is not great but I guess he rather be with me than against me, for now. Y'all Ingary kids what did you say about me??? LMAOO ♥️ I did ask him why he didn't cause ruckus at 5 and whip out the superidol and he said "tunnel vision". Hey that's two of us I guess!

Sarah

https://youtu.be/RzlLHyHZguQJessie So I’m still working on making like connections and stuff but we won the first challenge so no tribal which is a very good thing . ❤️ I’m enjoying this interactive scavenger hunt and I’m totally not trying to pull a Danni from Midsommar lol.

Brayden

hey guys im in a 5 person alliance rn with jodi sarah denara and kenneth and i feel pretty good and excited bc i think ill win this whole game but sadly destiny is prob leaving tonight <\3

Derrick

First challenge done. We rocked it! I don't really have any sort of alliance at this point but I seem to be getting along with everyone. Josh didn't seem to put too much effort into our creative set up but it still worked out OK. It was unfortunate I was on my trip at the time as I could have done so much more with. I think as long as we support eachother we can rock every challenge that comes our way!joshIM SOO HAPPY WE WON! our tribe seems to be like friendly but i havent made any alliances i think so idk if im in a good spot if we lose a challenge but we didnt this time so🙃ShawnEveryone in the tribe is messaging about Destiny, and that is who everyone is thinking of voting off. I'm still thinking of voting Frank off, and I think that's who I'm going for. He's not good at technology, and this whole game is about technology! We lost the creative challenge because all we could do with him was write! Still, everyone thinks because Destiny isn't very active she should be the one to go. I'm not sure what I want to do. JGOh hey! Here we are round one. I feel so out of it playing this game. For the first time in a while, I barely know any of the other players. Which is refreshing and tough. I also feel like my social game is kind of lacking but that is kind of my brand for round 1. I have had some great one on one conversations with DeNara, Jodi, and Sarah. I've talked to Brayden and Kenneth as well a little bit less than the first three. Shawn and Ava, barely. Frank and Destiny not at all. The vote should be Destiny since we sadly lost. Which works for me. I feel the closest with DeNara and Sarah. Really hoping I can start to get my footing. If we were to lose again, Frank would probably go but I don't wanna put myself in the line of fire again. Well here's hoping things improve. Hopefully, I'm not blindsided. Here we go.blueMy tribe seems pretty cool so far, everyone is nice and seems pretty active so thats nice. Shawns going to tribal so I hope theyre gonna be safe :(((DeNara As far as I know, the vote is going to be Destiny. I feel bad for them for not getting the chance to play, and I feel really bad for Moth, they always have the worst luck in ORGs. That being said I sure hope nothing crazy happens tonight or I will cry 100% Tribal, here I come...AubreeThere is hardly any game talk (at least from where I’m standing), so I may start trying to get a feel of where people are at by asking some game-related questions in the tribe chat. Don’t get me wrong, I love the personal chit-chats… BUT I’m also feeling a bit empty-handed as far as knowing everyone’s game motives. Maybe I’m being too bold… idk. I’m not normally the one to standout in ORGs, so hopefully my tribe doesn’t take this as me prying… even though I guess I kinda am?? 😬 “Oof look at me being all dangerous and shit!” 😤🤘🏼😂blueSO here are more detailed thoughts on my tribe. Amy of course is a queen and a legend and we've played together before and have a good rapport. Leanne is so kind and so funny, and I would be super down for working with her. Jared is SO nice I get really good vibes and really enjoy talking to him. Aubree is also very nice and seems genuinely interested in my irrelevant stories 10/10 good vibes. Moth is dope as expected and turns out we have a lot of the same interests ie. witcher and the mcelroys very fun. The rest are yet to be determined.AmyI would like to start out by saying that Brayden's video during their tribal almost made me seasick thanks buddy. So today was a DAY. It was a day off and like I had a weird day at work lol 😆 and then I remembered there was the task of talking to people who h i slacked on today whoops sorry. But for half these people idk if they even noticed bc my tribe is so quiet. Did I already say I tried asking Jessie what their favorite berry was? Like that's how exhausting conversation has been most all around. I think I'm talking to Leanne, Derrick, and Jared the most. I am begging for bygones to be bygones. But anyway I was trying to do a little of the hunt throughout the day bc after seeing

all those advantages last go I was SHOCKED. Then at the end of work I made it to thevpart where I was talking to the grumpy sad flower crown man and after falling on my weak ass on a ladder I picked the lock with a bobbypin and charisma's him to make me a flower crown which got me to the maypole which had me do a scavenger hunt and I got an idol. Writing this all out is absolutely hilarious. But yeah I have an idolllllllllllllllllllll which I don't want to use anytime soon. But I have a feeling I'm going to struggle to make merge. Anyway I got this idol like directly after the other tribe finishing tribal and I love a funny timing like that. I'm glad Ava survived weee! And wow they have some very vocal tribe members haha I'm sure Denara and Jodi are working together which tracks bc I've been closest to both of them individually in prior games early on. Curious if it will stick. So next was rock paper scissors for which I have a 10% disadvantage which apparently applies to the overall tribe score ☠️ . I won my game against Brayden who was at seemingly a raging Big Brother watch party. Sorry buddy. But we've been chatting like he asked how josh was and I said Josh is great and really stepped up to the plate for the creative challenge even though it wasn't what he wanted and also he loves tom holland so I instantly trust him. Then he said everyone likes ava bc she's just so cool and yes I get it I am personally intimidated by how cool Ava is and I have to be around that cool level every day honestly I don't know why she talks to me but she's a badass. Anyyywayyyy he doesn't seem keen on actually talking game and I need to figure out if I need to just tell my tribe I have a disadvantage rn or be like what the fuck the other tribe is so mean to give me a disadvantage 😭 Anyway excited to explore the hunt some more and this game is so fun. If we go to tribal I think Jessie is most at risk tbh. Okay that's all bye ❤️

[144-13]

Yeah, so I heard you wanted to talk about your son. The one with big feet and criminal record? How about ♥, ☾, ❣, ✏ for that guy? ;)

Ummm, he only has a criminal record because of your son so………

Please be prepared, I got really invested in this one and it’s more of a book than I think P3301 is at this point.

♥ : Name one thing about the way their emotions work that they despise.

Being an INTJ, which I myself am as well, Clive isn’t much of an emotional person. He doesn’t show them often and in order for his plans to work, he must have a very strong reign of the private emotions (lotsa rage and pain) he keeps to himself. The sprites below are some of the most common we see of him throughout most of the game:

Even when he’s irritated, even when he talks about the prime minister he shows minimal emotion. He really doesn’t look like a kidnapper/murderer/impostor here. But compare these emotions to some of those we see only at the end of LF…

Now both the emotions he allows others to see and those he keeps (or had kept) private pour forth like metaphorical blood from a metaphorical wound on his metaphorical heart.

In addition, one thing I can’t show (and would take far too much time for me to put together) are the emotions in his voice. When he’s with Layton and co, his voice never really rises. Even when he’s happy-slapped by Bostro. Of course he cries out in pain, but he doesn’t retaliate or shout back at him. He allows the Professor to handle the situation and helps him with the slot machine gun. But at the end of the game, there’s a definite shift in his tone. A self-confident and mocking inflection, an angry and vengeful edge, a lot more evil laughter.

All this to say, Clive’s emotions, as a lot of INTJs probably understand far too well, can’t be thought of in the traditional sense. He doesn’t really feel them. More, he thinks on them, ruminates about them, pours them into his work, and, in the end, that’s what leads to the finale of the game. When he finally does allow himself to feel these emotions, they’re overwhelming, completely out of control. All because he didn’t or rather couldn’t work through them. And the reason why is actually rather sad.

Think about how Clive feels just after he learns his parents suffered and died. He’s devastated. He clings to Layton–a complete stranger at the time–and weeps. His emotions at this point are so out of control, Layton has to slap him to bring him to his senses. And assuming these uncontrollable emotions don’t stop there, I’m sure he suffered for many years throughout his childhood. Even after being adopted by a loving family, he probably wept himself to sleep, crying so hard he could barely catch his breath. Once he exhausted himself, he’d be swallowed in restless darkness and then tortured by nightmares, reliving the tragedy of his parents’ deaths over and over again. During the day was only worse. The flashbacks, memories of seeing his home in flames, of saying his last goodbye to his family, would be all he could think of, especially if he ever smelled smoke or heard a school fire alarm. It’s clear his emotions were completely and utterly out of control.

The point I’m trying to make is, his own feelings–the things meant to help him work through his experiences–acted more like torture. And it was due to this that he developed a defence mechanism against it. Distancing himself from feeling. Never again would he have to suffer from guilt, sadness, anger…

It’s only at the end of LF these emotions are felt and, once again, they’re completely and totally out of control. It’s even mentioned in game this was the second time the Professor saves Clive from himself.

So it seems Clive’s emotions are very black-and-white. Either he feels them to such an extent it causes him and others great suffering, or he doesn’t feel them at all. And this is something he might despise. Maybe while he’s in prison thinking on his actions, he realises this is how his emotions work and he hates it. He doesn’t want to feel so much he can’t control it but he does still want to feel. And maybe he works through this with therapists and whatnot. I’ve mentioned this in my own fanfic. Though the demons of his past still haunt him from afar, he has more control over them than ever before. He has (more or less) accepted them and can finally begin to live his life. In a way, this is the sad truth for those of us who have to fight against trauma. Sometimes the pain takes a lifetime to work through.

(I’m now finished with my dissertation on Clive’s emotions. Can I have my degree in Clive, please?)

☾ : On a sleepless night, what would they be found doing?

I guess it depends for me. Obviously in canon he’d be reading newspaper after newspaper to determine how his parents died and why the incident was covered up. Then he’d be plotting Future London, the Mobile Fortress, who to use as pawns, who not to use, etc. He doesn’t exactly want to sleep at this time anyway. Not only does he have too much work to do but he’d have to fight off the nightmares yet again.

In my fanfiction featuring an older Clive, though, he’d be working through the murder and its puzzles. Before the murder he would just stay up and read a good mystery novel. Maybe work on that soon-to-be best-selling murder-mystery he’s writing. (I’m still so proud of him in that dream. Please more of those, unconscious).

❣: Describe a way that will earn affection (whether platonic or romantic) from them.

I think Clive throughout his entire life would be attracted to intelligence and wit. Maybe he’d like the smart kids in his class, befriend them. One of my favourite examples of this is my friendo @northelypark‘s relationship between Clive and Amelia. Both are rather quiet and introverted people. Clive’s an INTJ while Amelia is, I’m thinking, an INTP, so the two would definitely have a lot in common personality-wise. They’re also both very smart. Amelia is a chess genius and…well, I guess the only canon example I have of Clive being intelligent is his schemes to destroy London, but I’ll assume he can plan out other, less murder-y bits of his life this way, as well… He’s also good at puzzles so that’s a thing ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Clive might also appreciate confidence and passion. Seeing as he has a strong sense of justice (albeit very corrupted during LF) he might respect when someone speaks out against something that’s wrong. I also have a headcanon he was bullied for not only being the new kid but also having to deal every day with his parents’ deaths and so he probably really appreciates when someone tells people off for picking on other kids.

✏ : What are their creative outlets?

Definitely writing. That might have even been part of pouring his emotions into his work at first. Maybe he had a journal used to jot down his nightmares, his flashbacks, his confusion and regrets and this eventually twisted into writing about his plans to destroy London.

In my fanfic, though he’s older and more able to control those once deadly emotions, he may still write them down in one of the thousands of notebooks he has scattered across his desk in his study. Work through what he was feeling and why and how to cope with this particular emotion returning to him.

[purplesurveys]

211

Have you ever hit yourself in the head with a cabinet door? I mean with how clumsy I am it must have already unsurprisingly happened several times.

Are you currently talking to someone that you don’t like? Nah I’m just talking to this survey right now.

Your best friend gets arrested for shoplifting. Are you shocked? I’d be surprised and even panicky that she got arrested, but I might find it funny at first...the idea of Gabie, the most honest person alive, stealing is almost hilarious.

Last time you caught up with an old friend? No clue. This doesn’t count much, but I saw my old classmates from high school on my way to a class last Friday. I never see them around campus and it was a pleasant surprise, one that I needed because that day didn’t start out so well. When it comes to a real catching-up session, I guess it would be last September when Gabie and I made plans with Katreen.

Do you say things just to hear yourself talk? If I had to practice for a speech or report then yes, I have to hear the way I speak.

Does your printer have a USB port on it? We don’t have a printer. I have all my stuff printed at school instead.

Have you ever said you were going to go to bed early but never did? Yep but I don’t do it often. People get so easily caught nowadays because Facebook always displays if you’re online or not lol.

Have you ever seen an accident so horrific that it scarred you for life? I’m used to such scenarios because of all the awful shit they show in horror movies, so it takes a lot before there’s something that I actually cannot stomach. The worst would have to be seeing a car just completely plowing into an electrical post. Up to half the car was shattered and there was blood on the steering wheel’s airbag. Now that was pretty unusual since it happened in my own village.

Do you love to ‘rain on people’s parades’ (figuratively speaking)? No. Isn’t that shitty thing to do?

Does it annoy you when people don’t say ‘brb?’ Yeah but not enough to roll my eyes or even make a deal out of it. It just brings me back to the cringey Yahoo Messenger days which I just want to leave in the past hahahaha.

Does it annoy you when people don’t say bye before they leave? No, especially if the person is an introvert. I’ve had to escape a couple of times myself so the concept isn’t something I’m unfamiliar with.

Ever worn a top that was so tight that you could barely even breathe? Not tops, but I have dresses like that. When I was designing my prom dress I wanted it to look like something Audrey Hepburn would wear, so the end result was a dress that was the tightest around my waist. If you look up Audrey’s wedding dress in the movie Funny Face, it’s exactly what my prom dress looked like except in gold. Wasn’t so easy eating that night LOL.

Would you wear uncomfortable clothes just because they were stylish? Why or why not? Yes. Because I wanted to look nice for myself dude.

Have you ever made fun of someone’s name? Never, mainly because people make fun of my name all the goddamn time and I know how shitty it feels to be embarrassed by our own name.

Do you feel like watching a certain movie right now? If so, which movie would that be? I want to watch Toy Story but am just always too lazy to.

Last time you found a writing utensil on the ground? No clue. Not very often do I see a pen on the ground here. 

How much money do you usually get from digging in the sofa cushions? No one ever leaves some in there so.

Have you said sorry and meant it, but denied that you apologized later on? No. Dunno why I’ll ever have to do that though?

Are you the peace destroyer or the peace maker? I hate confrontation and stirring up shit in general, so usually I’m the one who calls for a resolution. Do you truly believe that miracles exist (I do ^_^)? No.

Is apologizing one of the hardest things for you to do? Sometimes. It’s hardest when I know I could still defend myself.

Is revenge your specialty? Not really but being cold is.

What do you think of good descriptive writing? I think it’s a great skill. Not many people can create vivid images with words.

Is there someone you are trying to be friends with all over again? No. Once I’m done with someone I cut them out completely.

Do you often set yourself up for unintentional heartbreaks? Heartbreaks as in disappointments, yes.

Is heartbroken as bad as it sounds or worse than it sounds? Worse than it sounds, at least for me. I don’t know how everyone else is able to manage it until the end...I just feel helpless all the time.

Do you think it is sweet when an elderly woman kisses you on the cheek? I suppose it would be if the woman were actually warm and sweet and kind, but then I don’t know any elderly woman like that so I would find it weird, but not disgusting. I’d be more bothered if it were a man.

Are you kind of uneasy with letting people buy stuff for you? YES. I hate it so much. I tell my girlfriend off all the time when she does because it makes me very uncomfortable. I guess I just got used to the fact that I wasn’t spoiled at all growing up and got accustomed to mostly nothing. I never feel that I deserve it when my friends or their families treat me.

You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. Do you agree? Yes, like a healthy throat or an unclogged nose.

Have you ever thought about how you were gonna kill someone? If so, why? What made you so angry? I don’t think so. I’ve thought of revenge, but I’ve never mapped out my plans to actually murder.

Are you good at remaining neutral? Fuck no. Where I live, remaining neutral is the worst you can get.

Would you investigate the paranormal if you had the opportunity? Just out of curiosity, yes.

Do crop circles fascinate you? No. Although they did for like 1.25 seconds after I watched the movie Signs.

Are you familiar with the ‘Emo Kid Song?’ That sounds like an ancient YouTube thing, but nope not familiar.

Does the inside of your ear ever itch? Yes. Means it has to get some cleaning done haha.

Do you respect other people’s opinions? I have to, but if it’s a really stupid one I can’t.

If you don’t like someone’s opinion, do you make it known to them? No, unless it’s a really stupid one like I said. There are just really some dumb opinions out there that need calling out and my blunt ass is not here for them. If they lay it out with facts and in a respectable way, we can agree to disagree.

If you had to treat everyone the same, would that be hard? Yes. Unless everyone had to do the same thing then I think it would be less hard.

Ever met a baseball player? If so, did you get his autograph? My girlfriend played softball in high school teehee. Jk, no I haven’t.

Do you like to scare away the sales people? I’m the one who gets scared by them, that’s why I hate going to stores.

Have you joined a site just because your friend joined? That’s what happened to Moshi Monsters eight years ago, definitely.

Would you find being a secretary boring? No, I really enjoy working in internal affairs :(

Do you like to start conversations by saying something random? I’m getting better at starting conversations and enjoying, but I never start it that way. I usually start off with a question or a ‘how are you.’

Have you ever had so much wax build up in your ear that you couldn’t hear? Yikes no.

Is your computer mouse an optical one? I have a trackpad, not a mouse.

Have you tried to stay in contact with someone, but they ignored you? No, it’s more of we both got busy with our respective lives.

Would you rather be a psychic or a mind reader? What did you choose and why? Psychic, but just because there’s always the possibility of getting your feelings hurt if you’re able to read minds haha. If psychics existed, it’d be a relief knowing all about my future, when I’ll die, how my life would be like, etc. But they are all bullshit, so.

Do you remember saying ‘I hate you’ to someone when you were a kid? My grandmother taught me very early on that it was a strong word so I avoided using it for the most part, except when fighting with my siblings as kids.

When was the last time you had a meaningful conversation with someone? Tuesday, with Gab. We almost forgot we had to study because of how deep we got into the conversation.

Would you be afraid to sleep in your backyard? Not if I had a tent and was perfectly cozy in it. Sleeping on the ground would just be icky and cold.

Does the idea of camping just scare you for some reason? It doesn’t necessarily scare me, it just seems pretty exhausting. I like my luxuries. < This!!! It takes so much planning that the preparations alone would tire me out, and then I’d be too stressed on the day itself making sure everything goes as planned and I didn’t forget any equipment.

Have you ever seen a coyote in real life? No.

Does your display picture on messenger represent your mood? No, it’s just me smiling for a photoshoot :/

Have you ever heard footsteps on your roof in the middle of the night? We have a rooftop, and I’ve heard my dog digging on the ground before.

Is there a person you love more than life itself? Yes.

Do you have a possession (that isn’t a person) that you protect constantly? Well right now it’s gonna have to be my Paramore tickets. I lose stuff all the time so this one makes me so anxious because the concert isn’t going to be until February.

Do you have anything locked up in a vault? Nope. My parents only use vaults when staying in hotels...

Do you have a hard time controlling your temper? Or do you just not have a bad temper? Much better with it than before, but still needs some work.

If you had to choose one way to die, which would it be? In my sleep. <

Would you rather die saving someone or fighting for your own life? I can’t imagine trying to save my own life. I’d much rather do it for someone else, and I wouldn’t even think about it if it were for a loved one.

Have you ever gone into a public bathroom just to call someone? Nope.

If you could find the cure for any disease, which disease would it be? Cancer.

[247krp]

— Rejoice, little lambs! We have recovered our own Jung Leonard, spotted prancing about in the Northeast Side. I don’t remember seeing him with any clique back in high school, but I’m not here to spill yesterday’s tea. So straight to the rundown: can you say shy and hard-working? Apparently now he spends time as a pet adoption specialist at Lucky Paws Rescue Centre, and keeps skeletons buried at Banjeom Apartments, 103. But those won’t stay hidden for long, if you and I have any say on it. Welcome back, The Prodigy; we missed you so. 

In case you don’t remember the devil’s name, here’s to refresh your memory:

  leonard wasn’t always visible. growing up, the boy used to be more of an invisible presence (always the last to enter class and the first to leave ). the one who tagged after his classmates or hid behind his mother. leonard was a scrawny boy with a sickly complexion and perched atop a straight nose, thick glasses ( which he habitually slid further up onto the bridge of his nose with a long, bony index finger ). an h.o.t inspired hairstyle made sure the boy could hide his nervous facial expressions behind dark bangs. jung leonard was a wallflower ( a social outcast ). a flower which had yet to bloom but even as a young bud, the flower was off to a wrong start: leonard was deaf.

 cheongnam high honed leonard’s football talents, pushing him to the very best of his abilities and then some. he was still the invisible kid, an exchange student fellow students had interest in only for a week before his arrival had become old news. from then on, jung leonard became the ghostly presence on a football field, receiving notice only after scoring winning goals. he preferred it this way but life intervened surely enough. football practice exhausted leonard on good days, and totally wrecked him on others, but the sport had given the previously scrawny boy some muscles, pulled taut underneath healthy skin ( their coach noticed this too ). the third tragedy in leonard’s life occurred under a scalding hot shower in one of the team’s changing rooms where the walls would keep his pain a secret forever. the day after, leonard quit football.

Nevermind the memory lane though, the present is always the ripest fruit:

  visibility doesn’t always come easy to leonard, the wallflower who had shed off the walls and blossomed into a beautiful flower. his thick glasses no longer hide his face ( his sight having improved over the years ) and long hair has been cut, dyed blond and styled nicely. the scrawny boy grew up to become a tall, athletic and handsome young man with broad shoulders and kissable, heart-shaped lips. leonard remains deaf but does not need the assistance of an interpreter. his lip-reading skills have improved greatly and he gets by in life silently but independently. leonard remains observant and cautious, but has learnt not to shy away at everything and everyone. he is no longer jittery but one can still sometimes find leonard at a loss in many social situations.

  leonard is a man who doesn’t smile often but when he does, his smile brightens up the room. his wit shows on occasion, which proves that he too is capable of bringing smiles to faces. sports are what leonard lives for, and he volunteers at a local football club, not allowing his disability to be a hindrance as he assists the team’s coach. while at cheongnam high leonard may have sometimes cheated his way through tests or silly games, he is an honest sportsman who shows signs of being able to lead steady. however, leonard is not yet confident enough to reach for the stars ( he still doesn’t play ). the man’s confidence is lacking and his heritage overwhelms him; his past refuses to leave him alone. thus, the introverted football prodigy remains largely inconspicuous, having settled down in a comfortable life in northeast seoul after rejecting his father’s offer to take over the business.

But we are nothing if not open books – my job is to ensure you get to the best pages:

  jung leonard was born first son in an already broken family. an affair gone wrong left leonard’s mother alone and abandoned by an almost married man, who had taken an interest in the lovely country woman who lived her life without any demands. the man, too young to be a father but old enough to marry, was mesmerised by the shy, fragile woman from a lowly family. leonard’s father came from an upper-middle class family, chosen to marry a woman he did not love completely and found himself falling in love with a woman beneath his social standards. he was a cheongnam high graduate; a man wielding power he couldn’t understand and the heir to a large manufacturing company.   their love created a child the man was not ready to raise. barely twenty-two years old, leonard’s father took the cowardly route and left the woman of merely twenty years old who only ever had the privilege of basic education and worked as a maid. leonard’s father left and got married to the woman he was arranged to marry. leonard’s mother gave birth to a bastard child nine months later, shunned by her family who dreadfully saw history repeat. the boy’s name was leonard ( old germanic for lion-hearted ) in accordance with her fascination for europe and a strong will to move abroad ( which she never would ). in this world so cruel, her cub would need all the strength and determination she could bless him with.   almost three years later, fireworks erupted once more. the two star-crossed lovers met in seoul at a beneficiary gala in a hotel where leonard’s mother was filling in as a waitress for a friend who had gotten ill days prior. ignoring her better judgement, leonard’s mother let herself be swayed in the illusion of a perfect romance and for one night, she and the man of her dreams became one again. the next morning the handsome heir had vanished. one month later, the woman’s doctor informed her of a second pregnancy. jung leonard was a little over two years old and would soon greet his baby sister, another bastard child of a man who continued to disregard his own children.   stricken with sadness over a love lost, leonard’s mother became desperate for a better income. with the birth of her daughter, she suddenly had an extra mouth to feed. the woman worked two jobs and one more on the side ( helping the elderly with their weekly errands ). weighed down by exhaustion, leonard’s mother grew older faster than her actual age would normally have allowed. one fateful day, she had to run errands for a client at a local market. the mother carried her one-year-old in one arm, and held leonard’s tiny hand in her own.   leonard had always loved animals. when he first learnt to speak, the boy had continuously babbled his mother’s ears off about this cat and that ‘woof’ and the little crawly things in the park ( poking the dirt with small chubby fingers ). leonard had been four years old that day at the market by the river, where he lost his hearing for good and could no longer audibly express his love for animals. his mother ( eyelids drooping with sleepiness ) had asked her baby boy to stay by her side but little leonard had seen a beautiful butterfly ( fluttering near the water ) . thoroughly interested in the insect, the little boy had waggled after it ( eyes watching the sky and making grabby hands ).   the boy hadn’t meant to disobey. leonard had known he wasn’t allowed near the water, but that butterfly had been too pretty to ignore. the screams were loud until they weren’t. ( the rushing of the waves was noisy until it wasn’t. the boy’s eyes were weak until they weren’t. ) leonard’s sister had started crying; she was hungry. occupied with calming her youngest, leonard’s mother lost sight of her oldest until a loud splashing sound startled her. it took her a moment to realise that her son was gone.   the near-drowning experience left leonard with sensorineural hearing loss; the boy would never hear again. with sharpened sight, leonard could now see that butterfly much clearer ( it had not been worth the loss of his hearing ). for years his mother swallowed the guilt she felt at the result of that traumatic day. there was no money for special education and thus, when leonard was old enough to go to school, he was sent to a hearing school and left to fend for himself. leonard taught himself sign language with books from the public library, spending most of his free time there until middle school.   leonard wasn’t always visible. growing up, the boy used to be more of an invisible presence (always the last to enter class and the first to leave ). the one who tagged after his classmates or hid behind his mother. leonard was a scrawny boy with a sickly complexion and perched atop a straight nose, thick glasses ( which he habitually slid further up onto the bridge of his nose with a long, bony index finger ). an h.o.t inspired hairstyle made sure the boy could hide his nervous facial expressions behind dark bangs. jung leonard was a wallflower ( a social outcast ). a flower which had yet to bloom but even as a young bud, the flower was off to a wrong start: leonard was deaf.   the disabled boy with chewed-off fingernails was someone other people often misunderstood and didn’t know how to approach. not willing to become a victim of bullying, leonard went to great lengths to make sure he went by unnoticed ( and it worked ). true to his name, the wallflower blended in with the school’s interior up until his final year. genes kick-started leonard into a growth spurt, making it difficult for the school boy to remain unseen. finally, leonard turned sixteen and entered high school. the observant, cautious but jittery deaf boy started receiving attention.   leonard’s first friend was a bubbly boy ( the complete opposite to him ). confident, cheeky and with an infectious laugh, the teenager dragged the reserved leonard off to the movies, the library (occasionally ), the streets on off days and even had leonard try out for the school’s football team, where the deaf boy realised his love for the sport. while leonard was average in any subject but mathematics (good with numbers but not very smart ), he appeared to have a true talent for sports. that same year, leonard participated in a wrestling competition to win prize money for his struggling mother and came in third place, earning enough to pay for art classes for his sister. leonard himself was not the artsy guy, but he had started documenting his experiences on the school’s football team and his friendship with joowon. the teenager never went anywhere without his notebook in which he scribbled anything he saw in the world around him.   a deep voice resounded through the phone when leonard’s father contacted the boy’s mother for the first time in fourteen years. that day was also the first day jung leonard wrote his father’s name and saw him for the first time. the man who had turned his back on a mother with two children had now returned to take away one of them. jung leonard had mixed feelings but after gentle urging from his mother, the eighteen-year-old decided to move in with his father ( to allow the man to recognise the male heir he couldn’t have with his wife ). jung leonard transferred to cheongnam high shortly after junior year had started, having been offered a partial scholarship ( and set back one year ).

  cheongnam high honed leonard’s football talents, pushing him to the very best of his abilities and then some. he was still the invisible kid, an exchange student fellow students had interest in only for a week before his arrival had become old news. from then on, jung leonard became the ghostly presence on a football field, receiving notice only after scoring winning goals. he preferred it this way but life intervened surely enough. football practice exhausted leonard on good days, and totally wrecked him on others, but the sport had given the previously scrawny boy some muscles, pulled taut underneath healthy skin ( their coach noticed this too ). the third tragedy in leonard’s life occurred under a scalding hot shower in one of the team’s changing rooms where the walls would keep his pain a secret forever. the day after, leonard quit football.   visibility doesn’t always come easy to leonard, the wallflower who had shed off the walls and blossomed into a beautiful flower. his thick glasses no longer hide his face ( his sight having improved over the years ) and long hair has been cut, dyed blond and styled nicely. the scrawny boy grew up to become a tall, athletic and handsome young man with broad shoulders and kissable, heart-shaped lips. leonard remains deaf but does not need the assistance of an interpreter. his lip-reading skills have improved greatly and he gets by in life silently but independently. leonard remains observant and cautious, but has learnt not to shy away at everything and everyone. he is no longer jittery but one can still sometimes find leonard at a loss in many social situations.

[lilac-milk-moon]

Being Broke Taught Me About Simple Living

During the years I attended college, and shortly afterwards when I was about 21-22 years old, I was flat out broke. I was living in the middle of a big city all by myself, and paying my bills on a server’s salary. I had zero savings, and was living paycheck to paycheck just to get by, simple living was a necessity.

To paint you a better picture of my situation, allow me to elaborate.

My apartment 

My apartment was old, tiny, lacked air conditioning, and had bars on the windows. It sat right on the edge of downtown–I could either walk right out of my doorway toward one of the best hospitals in the area or left into a lions den of run down and disheveled housing, loiterers clearly up to no good, and bars on the window of every business along the sidewalk.

The drain in the bathtub often clogged, and I usually ended up taking some sort of disgusting, lukewarm bath/shower hybrid every time I wanted to get clean. The sink in the kitchen had to be fixed multiple times before it functioned properly. I had no microwave–just a very small and very old oven.

Speaking of things I didn’t have — furniture. I had no furniture, save for a cheap Ikea armchair, an old wooden table with two chairs that came free from my Grandma’s house, and a mattress that I had classily placed directly on the floor of my bedroom.

My extremely small TV and a DVD player had been gifted to me by a previous boyfriend. They were propped up on top of a crate which also sat on the floor. I had one or two plastic shelving/drawer units scattered around to hold random things like shampoo bottles and bars of soap. My apartment was depressing, at best. I would venture to guess that most would have considered it unlivable upon seeing it in all of its glory. Back in those days, I was taking simple living to an extreme — and not because I wanted to. I was just completely and helplessly flat out broke.

10 simple living lessons I learned from being flat out broke

1. I can live without things, but not without people.

Surprisingly enough, my biggest problem was not that I had practically no money or objects to my name, but that I had virtually no friends. Meeting people in a big city is hard, especially if you don’t have the money to hang out in bars, museums, or wherever else you go to meet people.

Obviously, there are free ways to meet people — but I didn’t know what they were. I had spent most of my teenage and college years playing team sports, where friendship came with being teammates, and I had no idea how to go about meeting new people.

As a result, I ended up spending most of my time alone, which I do enjoy and certainly miss now that I have had children and sacrificed any sort of alone time I ever had. (Seriously, why do your kids want to watch you pee?) Despite that, being alone pretty much all the time can get a bit overwhelming after a while, even for the introvert’iest of introverts.

Eventually, I began to long for more people in my life, but I can’t remember ever wishing I had more things to fill my empty apartment. More relationships would have been enough for me.

2. Living above your means is even more stressful than it is stupid.

The reason I ultimately decided to move back home from my apartment in the city was a mix of loneliness and fatigue. I was tired of worrying if I was going to be able to pay my rent every month. I was tired of not being able to take a single day off of work, even if I was sick because missing one day of tips would send me straight into the red for the month’s bills.

Working just to live is exhausting. At some point it just became silly. I couldn’t even afford to go out and do any of the stupid fun things that the kids my age were doing. Why was I punishing myself and my finances when I had a warm, comfortable and (most importantly) free home to go live in? My parents would have loved for me to move back home, so what was I waiting for?

After all, what is the point of living in a big bustling city if you can’t afford any of the bustles?

3. Simple things are fun too.

I had three main sources of entertainment when I lived in the city: people watching, going to the library, and feeding the ducks. I was basically an 80-year-old man trapped in a 22-year-old girl’s body.

People watching

I often found myself jogging or walking around the city, both for exercise and just to see what was going on that day. My favorite area to go for prime people watching was High Street, downtown’s main drag. Walking those sidewalks, I frequently wondered if it had been named for the state of the people who traveled it on foot.

City people are a different breed of people. They are exciting, outgoing, flamboyant, and just plain entertaining. So much different than the buttoned-up small town folk that I grew up around. I found endless entertainment just walking down the sidewalks and observing. Never paid a dime for it either.

Going to the library

I walked to the library almost every day. There were times I was waiting at the door for it to open in the morning.

The thing I miss the most about living in the city is the library system, hands down. I could go there and get anything I wanted. They had DVDs, CDs, audiobooks, paperbacks — every type of media you could imagine. (Maybe even a copy of Thrawn?)  I didn’t even have to go to the desk to check anything out because they had a self-scanner. My anti-social soul smiled wide when I saw that for the first time.

The library always gave me this feeling of being so small. The world is so full of knowledge. I would just stand in front of the books and marvel at everything that I didn’t yet know. I don’t know what it was, but the library just made me feel…insignificant. In a good way.

Plus, reading a book is a good way to forget that you have no money and no idea how you are going to pay your rent that month.

Feeding the ducks

Within walking distance from my apartment was a park that had a small pond. There was always a healthy gathering of ducks on the pond.

When I was feeling bored, I would go to the store and spend a buck on a bag of cheap white bread and go stuff those ducks full of enough refined carbs to last them the week. The ducks didn’t care that the bread was purchased off the store “quick sale” rack and was probably 5 days past its expiration date. Inedible was their favorite flavor.

The bread eating party always ended fairly quickly though, because the geese would eventually see me and waddle their mean asses over. I don’t F with geese. Those little bastards will bite your toes clean off. (Better get some affordable health Insurance.)

4. Your own two feet are your best (read: free) transportation.

I walked a lot when I lived in the city, both to get places and for exercise. Besides the obvious savings in gas, you save yourself parking fees and a lot of frustration by just walking out your front door and going. It’s not easy to navigate a city in a car, as you have to worry about traffic, pedestrians, no parking zones, parallel parking, etc. It’s so much easier just to walk.

The only problem I ever had with walking was the endless string of panhandlers, begging for money, always with the same story of their car running out of gas. I felt bad for them, of course, but I was one misplaced wallet away from being right there next to them. They were barking up the wrong tree with that one.

Plus, if you’re in your car you may miss seeing the guy walking down the sidewalk in just his underpants. That would be unfortunate.

5. There’s nothing wrong with public transportation.

The bus gets a bad rap. Sure, it’s not the cleanest place — I wouldn’t go rubbing any open wounds on the seats or anything. I also ran into a few…odd…people on there at times. However, from my experience, it’s a cheap way to get around and no one really bothers you. Everyone is just trying to get where they need to go. In the city, the bus runs very frequently. When you need to go somewhere that isn’t walkable, or it’s raining, or cold, just hop on the next bus. I also recommend the bus for one of the top choices for free entertainment–people watching.

6. Budgeting is the broke person’s best friend.

Budgeting: not just for people with money.

It was also something I should have been doing, but wasn’t. I would have been so much better off if I had just sat down, taking an average of what I was making most months (tips were either feast or famine) and drew up a bare-bones budget for my spending.

Looking back at it now, I was probably spending way too much in the grocery store and could have walked more than I already did to save on gas. At one point, I even signed up for a gym and personal training package that I couldn’t afford because I thought that the sacrifice I was making to pay for it was going to motivate me to get in better shape.

Talk about young and dumb, right? I’ll be the first to admit that I was broke mostly because of my own poor decision making. If I had budgeted, I may have found that I had more money than I thought. I just wasn’t using it correctly.

7. Work ethic pays the bills.

Literally, my work ethic paid my bills. We know financial intelligence sure wasn’t. If I missed work even one time, I was screwed. I had to hustle for every dollar I made. I never, ever called off work.

In fact, when I was laying in my apartment dying a slow death by mono mixed with tonsillitis, my parents had to make the 3-hour drive to drag me out of my apartment and to the hospital because I didn’t want to have to miss work. You can’t tell me I wasn’t hardcore.

8. Don’t compare yourself to others.

As I mentioned, I didn’t need much in my apartment to get by. I didn’t feel deprived, but I did feel embarrassed about the lack of what most people would consider basic necessities. When people came over to my apartment, there was always the initial look of shock on their face when they realized that my living room actually echoed with emptiness.

One day a friend of mine came over to help me with some things. Upon opening my door and welcoming him into my place, he actually stood in the doorway and said: “This is where you live?” That person was exactly the same age as me, lived in a really nice apartment on a better side of town, spent whatever he wanted at the bar, and drove a sick car. And that’s what I focused on at that moment. That was a mistake.

What I should have been focused on is this: that person had a better job than I did. He had a roommate paying half of the rent at his fancy apartment, and he had parents that owned some sort of concrete company or something in India. (See Social Bubbles)

Clearly, my friend and I were not in the same financial position, and never had been. Even still, I remember how much it was a real blow to my confidence. It didn’t occur to me until much later that comparing yourself to other people is a flawed way of thinking. Especially if the other people are in a much different financial position than you are, despite being in the same life stage. We all come from different backgrounds, and it’s okay not to have as much as your neighbor.

Besides, your neighbor’s sick car probably gets poor gas mileage. So there.

9. Don’t make financial commitments that you can’t keep

This is one that I managed to avoid for the most part when I was broke. I did have a credit card, but I only got it for emergencies and I never had to use it. Growing up, my dad had drilled into my head the crazy concept of not spending money that I didn’t have. It was good advice that stuck. (Don’t tell him I said that though.)

However, when I moved home, I had to break my lease. This showed up as a strike against my rental history. Luckily, despite renting one more time several months later, breaking that lease never caused a problem for me. If it had, I don’t know what I would have done.

10. Get creative with your finances.

Hindsight is 20/20, but looking back I can see that I had a lot of missed opportunities to better manage my money. I also could have made some extra money on the side. For example, I had a reasonably reliable and FREE internet connection through my apartment building. I had time, energy and more than enough space. I could have started reselling on eBay, like I’m doing now, in order to make extra cash. That extra couple hundred bucks a month that I could have been making would have made a huge difference in my quality of life.

Maybe I could have bought a microwave. Or a lamp. Hell, I would have even just settled for a few cinder blocks and a slab of sturdy wood to prop my mattress up off the floor. I guess I blame my youth and the fact that I was caught up in stupid things like finding someone to go to the bar with for my failure to use creative ways to supplement my income. As someone who was just barely an adult, I didn’t have the maturity level and foresight to see the opportunities that I was missing. Some people develop financial awareness early in life, but I am not some people. Apparently.

Can a girl get a time machine, please?

I made some serious financial errors when I was flat out broke; many of which ended up negatively affecting my life. 22-year-old me wasn’t completely stupid, as in, she didn’t rack up thousands of dollars in credit card debt. She did have some real issues with misalignment of priorities.

However, all mistakes teach us a lesson. Or, at least that’s what we tell ourselves so that we don’t feel like such jerks about the idiotic things we’ve done over the years.

Life lessons learned or not, I think I’d probably like to take 22-year-old Michelle and slap her around a bit. If anyone figures out how to invent a time machine, let me know. I have a few bones to pick with that girl!

This post was written by Michelle and Michael at Your Money Geek. It is republished here with permission. 

Related posts from Semi-Retire Plan:

How to Set Your Retirement Expenses Budget

Money Experts Discuss Personal Finance Blog Readers Research

The 3 Steps to Semi-Retirement

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